Good Morning Readers & Laffers….wait  a second folks, Friday my lovely Administrative Assistant and Sexatary has something urgent she wants to breathily relay into my ear….do that again Friday…I MEAN say what? Repeat that please?

IT’S WHAT??!! FRIDAY THE FECKING 13TH!?

BLOODY HELL! What happen to the memo on this?

Impish’s responsibility? Well THAT certainly explains a lot right there. He’s sick again? Infirmary? Late night snack of bad frogs eh? Possibly poisoned again? Having his stomach pumped eh? That will take all day there are 3 of those and they are each the size of a compact pick up bed! Who’s going to run the office whilst I go hide in the middle of a fairie circle under an haystack sized mound of shamrocks and four leaf clovers to ward off the bad luck? Just my imagination you say? Nay nay say I!

 

Friday the 13th occurs when the thirteenth day of a month falls on a Friday, which superstition holds to be a day of bad luck. In the Gregorian calendar, this day occurs at least once, but at most three times a year. Any month’s 13th day will fall on a Friday if the month starts on a Sunday.

The fear of Friday the 13th is called friggatriskaidekaphobia (Frigga being the name of the Norse goddess for whom “Friday” is named and triskaidekaphobia meaning fear of the number thirteen), or paraskevidekatriaphobia a concatenation of the Greek words Paraskeví, meaning “Friday”), and dekatreís, meaning “thirteen”) attached to phobía, from phóbos, meaning “fear”). The latter word was derived in 1911and first appeared in a mainstream source in 1953– [ That’s the technical side of things don’t ya know, now on to the important stuff]:

According to folklorists, there is no written evidence for a “Friday the 13th” superstition before the 19th century. The earliest known documented reference in English occurs in Henry Sutherland Edwards’ 1869 biography of Gioachino Rossini:

Rossini was surrounded to the last by admiring and affectionate friends; Why Friday the 13th Is Unlucky

Consequently, several theories have been proposed about the origin of the Friday the 13th superstition.

One theory states that it is a modern amalgamation of two older superstitions: that thirteen is an unlucky number and that Friday is an unlucky day.

In numerology, the number twelve is considered the number of completeness, as reflected in the twelve months of the year, twelve hours of the clock, twelve tribes of Israel, twelve Apostles of Jesus, twelve gods of Olympus, etc., whereas the number thirteen was considered irregular, transgressing this completeness. There is also a superstition, thought by some to derive from the Last Supper or a Norse myth, that having thirteen people seated at a table will result in the death of one of the diners. Friday has been considered an unlucky day at least since the 14th century’s The Canterbury Tales,[3] and many other professions have regarded Friday as an unlucky day to undertake journeys or begin new projects. Black Friday has been associated with stock market crashes and other disasters since the 1800s. It has also been suggested that Friday has been considered an unlucky day because, according to Christian scripture and tradition, Jesus was crucified on a Friday.

A theory by author Charles Panati, one of the leading authorities on the subject of “Origins” maintains that the superstition can be traced back to ancient myth:

The actual origin of the superstition, though, appears also to be a tale in Norse mythology. Friday is named for Frigga, the free-spirited goddess of love and fertility. When Norse and Germanic tribes converted to Christianity, Frigga was banished in shame to a mountaintop and labeled a witch. It was believed that every Friday, the spiteful goddess convened a meeting with eleven other witches, plus the devil — a gathering of thirteen — and plotted ill turns of fate for the coming week. For many centuries in Scandinavia, Friday was known as “Witches’ Sabbath.

Another theory about the origin of the superstition traces the event to the arrest of the legendary Knights Templar.

The Knights Templar were a monastic military order founded in Jerusalem in 1118 C.E. Their original mission was to guide and protect Christian pilgrims along the path from Europe to Jerusalem during the Crusades. Through this mission, the Templars developed a banking system to protect the finances of the traveling pilgrims, then expanded this system throughout their holdings in Europe. Over time, France’s Philip IV of France amassed a debt to the Knights Templar for years of service. He had nearly depleted his money due to his ongoing battles with England. King Phillip became envious of the Knights Templar and their rise to power, so he set his sights on their famed fortunes. Philip devised a plan to arrest all the Knights Templar and charge them with crimes so devastating that no person or group would come to their defense. The charges against them were religious in nature and backed by the papacy of the Vatican and Pope Clement V. His plan had to be swift and carefully put together so as to not alert the Templars in advance. Knights Templar and Philip IV

King Phillip’s orders were sent a month in advance to the King’s Men and other Bailiffs. They were not to be opened till dawn on Friday, October 13, 1307. The charges against the Templars were of the highest accusations of heresy: that the Knights Templar asked members to spit on the cross and step on it, to deny Christ, to perform homosexual acts, and so on. The king’s orders were to engage and arrest every Templar in France. All Templar outposts, homes, wineries, mills, and castles were to be taken in the name of the King of France and Pope Clement V. This nationwide arrest was widely successful, and medieval torture tactics were used to obtain confessions from the Knights. This single act against the Templar Order is now viewed as one of the most unlucky days in History – Friday the 13th. King Phillip attempted to further bury the Templars in a public manner: a large event in front of the Notre Dame Cathedral would have Templar Grand Master Jacques De Molay publicly admit guilt of heresy. Instead, the defeated grandmaster took to his forum and apologized to the people and Templar Knights for his weakness and for signing forced confessions. He then rescinded his original confession and testified to the public that he, his men, and all Templar Knights were innocent, despite their forced confessions. An embarrassed King Phillip was enraged by the old man’s actions and had him burned at the stake along with his second-in-command. De Molay’s dying last words were to curse King Phillip and Pope Clement V, claiming that by the year’s end they both would meet their demise. To add to the superstition of the Friday the 13th and to the power of the Templars both men did die that year.

The connection between the Friday the 13th superstition and the Knights Templar was popularized in the 2003 novel The Da Vinci Code. However, some experts think that it is a relatively recent correlation and is a modern-day invention. For example, records of the superstition are rarely found before the 20th century, when it became extremely common. One author, noting that references are all but nonexistent before 1907 but frequently seen thereafter, has argued that its popularity derives from the publication that year of Thomas W. Lawson’s popular novel Friday, the Thirteenth, in which an unscrupulous broker takes advantage of the superstition to create a Wall Street panic on a Friday the 13th.

In Spanish-speaking countries, instead of Friday, Tuesday the 13th is considered a day of bad luck, commonly referred to as ‘Martes y trece’ (Literally translates to: Tuesday and thirteen). The Fall of Constantinople, when the city fell to the Ottomans, marks the end of the Byzantine Empire. It happened on Tuesday, May 29, 1453. That is why the Greeks also consider Tuesday to be an unlucky day.

(info courtesy of Wikipedia)

Being Irish and given that Scotland and Ireland hid, and gave refuge as well as lands to the Templars, I’m inclined to place me stock in that version. All myths and legends you say? 13 isn’t unlucky? Oh? REALLY? Well how about THIS modern example?

Apollo 13 was the seventh manned mission in the American Apollo space program and the third intended to land on the Moon. The craft was successfully launched toward the Moon, but the landing had to be aborted after an oxygen tank exploded, severely damaging the spacecraft’s electrical system. The flight was commanded by James A. Lovell with John L. “Jack” Swigert as Command Module pilot and Fred W. Haise as Lunar Module pilot.

The mission was launched on April 11, 1970 at 13:13 CST. Two days later (on April 13th) an oxygen tank ruptured which crippled the service module upon which the Command Module depended. To conserve its batteries and the oxygen needed for the last hours of flight, the crew instead used the Lunar Module’s resources as a “lifeboat” during the return trip to Earth. Despite great hardship caused by limited power, loss of cabin heat, shortage of potable water and the critical need to jury-rig the carbon dioxide removal system, the crew returned safely to Earth on April 17.

Now if you’ll all excuse me I have to cancel any and all appointments and get the bloody hell out of here before Impish decided to pull a King Phillip on me in retaliation for them frogs or decides to go all Jason on me!

NOW, LET’S LAUGH – BUT BE EXTRA CAREFUL THE LAUGH ISN’T AT YOUR MISFORTUNE TODAY!

I should have known something was awry when my first cup today came like this!

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And….
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!

 

 

Wow Impish must be REALLY old as he looks and feels worse than this every morning!

Wow Impish they are playing your song…again. When you going to tell the readers about that cop that got on your case for going too slow?

Umm… do I REALLY need to say it? How many times was it last week the on site medical team rushed into your office with the crash cart and would up waking you up? 8? I heard the last time, they were so annoyed, they hit you with the paddles just for spite!

Impish goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, “I’m going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, ’99’.

Impish obeys and says,”99″. The doctor says, “Great”. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, ’99”. Again, Impish says, ’99’.”
The doctor said, “Very good”. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I’m going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I’m going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, ’99’.

Impish begins, “One… Two… Three…”

Why nobody plays Poker with Impish Dragon

 

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie

View of San Francisco Bay From a Blimp

If you had to pay for a flight it would have been $425 per seat,

Theses pictures are awesome.

http://home.comcast.net/~bzee1b/Zeppelin/Zeppelin.html

 

Three year old Butchy is sitting on the toilet. After some time had passed, his mother thinks he’s been in there a long time and goes to see what’s up

Butchy is sitting there on the toilet looking at a book. But, every few seconds he puts his book down, grips the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.
Mother asks, “Butchy, are you alright? You’ve been in here a long time.” Butchy replies, “I’m okay, but didn’t go doody, yet.”
Mom says, “Okay, you can stay here a little longer but why are you hitting yourself on top of the head?” To which, Butchy replies…
“Works for ketchup!”

Narrowing Down the Field

Today we rule a few Republicans out of the running for good reasons.

Trump Fumbles Abortion Question

Scott Gries / Getty Images

In a 45-minute interview with NBC’s Savannah Guthrie, Donald Trump argued a host of reasons why he should be qualified to run for president in 2012. “I think I’m presidential. I think I have a very high aptitude and I think I was at the best schools and always did good,” he said. But when Guthrie turned the topic to the Constitution, his argument was less cohesive. Guthrie asked if there was a “right to privacy” in the Constitution, to which Trump responded, “I guess there is, I guess there is. And why, just out of curiosity, why do you ask this question?” Apparently he failed to pick up on Guthrie’s reference to the legal principle that was key in the decision to legalize abortion in Roe v. Wade, and her pointed way of asking where he stood on the matter. “Well, that’s a pretty strange way of getting to pro-life,” Trump mused before adding, “What does that have to do with privacy?” CBS News’ Katie Couric asked Sarah Palin the same question during her 2008 presidential campaign. Palin answered clearly, “I do. Yeah, I do.”

http://www.thedailybeast.com/cheat-sheet/item/trump-fumbles-abortion-question/confused?obref=obinsite

Donald Trump Tanks in New GOP Poll

The Donald’s time in the sun may be over: Trump has fallen to 8 percent in Public Policy Polling’s most recent survey, just a month after he led the Republican presidential field with 26 percent. Additionally, 53 percent of GOP voters now say they view him in a negative light, compared to 34 percent who view him favorably. Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney now poll at the top of the GOP race with just about 20 percent each, followed by Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin. Trump and Ron Paul are tied for fifth. The number of GOP “birthers,” meanwhile, has fallen to 34 percent from 51 percent—and even among that smaller group, Trump only polls at 9 percent.

http://www.thedailybeast.com/partnersfeed/?cid=csi:cheatsheet&f=http%3A%2F%2Fpublicpolicypolling.blogspot.com%2F2011%2F05%2Ftrump-collapses.html

Donald Trump says public scorn greater than he expected

By Ros Krasny

NASHUA, New Hampshire (Reuters) – Real estate magnate Donald Trump suggested Wednesday it’s not much fun flirting with the idea of running for president in the face of relentless attacks and ridicule.

“Nobody said it was going to be easy, but I had no idea I would get hammered in the way I’ve been hammered the past few weeks,” Trump said in Nashua, New Hampshire.

The billionaire host of NBC-TV’s “Celebrity Apprentice” has hinted for months that he will run for the 2012 Republican nomination for a chance to take on President Barack Obama.

But Trump has slipped badly in surveys taken since Obama released his birth certificate confirming he was born in the United States.

The so-called “birther” issue had been a major issue of Trump’s nascent campaign.

Public Policy Polling, which in April showed Trump leading the Republican field with 26 percent support, this week showed him with just 8 percent support.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20110511/ts_nm/us_usa_campaign_trump

Newt Gingrich’s Dirty Polluter Money

by Eve Conan

The latest 2012 contender has vacuumed up donations from energy companies that environmental groups say are the some of the worst polluters in the country—as he wages war on the EPA. Eve Conant on where the money is coming from and what’s at stake.

Nixon created it, Newt wants to scrap it.

The newest Republican contender for the White House says the Environmental Protection Agency should be replaced with a more business-oriented model. And it just so happens that Newt Gingrich has drawn big-time financial support from huge energy companies that would love to be liberated from EPA regulation.

 

The subject has been something of a crusade for the former House speaker, who told a conservative conference in February that “what you have from Obama administration is a war against American energy.”

 

 

http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2011-05-11/newt-gingrich-for-president-2012-polluters-among-biggest-donors/?om_rid=NsflgD&om_mid=_BNyoQBB8bBuWWR

Why Newt Gingrich Will Never Be President

by Michael Tomasky

He’s out to win the White House. But as Michael Tomasky explains, Newt’s campaign is merely comic relief.

I don’t know much in this life. I can’t tell you who’s going to win the NBA championship or when the Pakistani ISI will become a bulwark against extremism or what year Keith Richards’ lungs will finally cry uncle. But I do know this: Newt Gingrich will never be president of the United States.

It will of course be fun to watch him run. Following Gingrich is a form of entertainment—he’s an all-around vaudevillian of political theatre. Journalists have a soft spot for him, even avowedly liberal ones like me, because if nothing else he is sui generis.

http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2011-05-10/newt-gingrich-2012-presidential-campaign-why-hell-never-be-president?cid=csi:relatedstories2:4

Newt Gingrich Can’t Save the GOP

by Mark McKinnon

Newt Gingrich will add substance to the Republican field when he declares his candidacy for president, but we already have a professor as president—and the country is looking for something new, says Mark McKinnon.

Out with The Donald, in with The Newt.

Newt Gingrich is unlikely to woo enough voters to win the GOP presidential nomination, but he is certain to make it more interesting. Gingrich is an idea factory, an organizational genius, and a prodigious fundraiser. His issues-oriented American Solutions “citizen action network” reports more than 2.4 million members. And according to The Wall Street Journal, Gingrich has “raised $32 million between 2009 and 2010—more than all his potential 2012 rivals combined.”

But Gingrich also has the whiff of “been there, done that.” And while he can produce an avalanche of substance and process and impress with his intellect, he rarely excites. Gingrich leads with his head and his mouth; great leaders inspire with their hearts.

We already have a professor as president. And voters rarely replace someone with someone like them. Why would voters replace a senior law lecturer with a history professor, albeit one with a Ph.D.? In tough times, the country hungers for something new. Think about how different Barack Obama is from George W. Bush. George W. Bush from Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton from George H.W. Bush. Ronald Reagan from Jimmy Carter. And Jimmy Carter from Gerald Ford or Richard Nixon.

http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2011-05-09/newt-gingrich-will-shake-up-2012-presidential-race-but-cant-save-the-gop?cid=csi:relatedstories2:2

Well at least in my mind that’s two potential candidates down the political tubes. Monday we’ll add two or three more to the mix, just to muddy the waters and confuse and confound the Liberals.

 

Good Morning Campers!
Today is Thursday, that truly lousy day between Hump Day and the beautiful and sometimes magical Friday.  Beautiful and magical that is, unless you have to work the weekend, like your favorite dragon.  Then they’re all just another day filled with mud pies.

Today’s Reason to Party: International Limerick Day.  Yes, it is.  Today is the day we should remember and recognize the art of pub poetry, saloon stanzas, and ballroom bawdry.  When done properly, the limerick is a wonderful thing.  Wrought with irony, humor and a twisted ending that should make you smile and laugh.  But when done improperly, they are often pornographic, obvious and forced.  Quite interesting, here’s what poetry-online.org has to say about Limericks.

Limericks – The History 
Variants of the form of poetry referred to as Limerick poems can be traced back to the fourteenth century English history. Limericks were used in Nursery Rhymes and other poems for children. But as limericks were short, relatively easy to compose and bawdy or sexual in nature they were often repeated by beggars or the working classes in the British pubs and taverns of the fifteenth, sixteenth and seventh centuries. The poets who created these limericks were therefore often drunkards! Limericks were also referred to as dirty.

Where does the term ‘Limerick’ come from? 
The word derives from the Irish town of Limerick. Apparently a pub song or tavern chorus based on the refrain “Will you come up to Limerick?” where, of course, such bawdy songs or ‘Limericks’ were sung.

and of course, I couldn’t let this opening go forth without a least a couple of Limericks…

A combustible woman from Thang
Exploded one day with a BANG!
The maid then rushed in
And said with a grin,
“Pardon me, madam — you rang?” 
Spike Milligan

His lover was so very tiny,
And she had such a cute little hiney;
       She would wax it each night,
       Just to bring him delight,
For he likes it the best when it’s shiny!

Oh goodness, we could do this ALL DAY, but instead, …..

Mother’s Rhapsody…this is great!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=80olbDws8r0&feature=player_embedded

The Fable of the Porcupine

It was the coldest winter ever.

Many animals died because of the cold.

The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together.

They were covered and protected, but the quills of each wounded the closest companion.

After a while, they decided to distance themselves,

and they began to die, alone and frozen.

So they had to make a choice: either accept the

quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together.

They learned to live with the little wounds that were caused by their close relationships because the most important part was the heat that came from the others.

They were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but the one that forms when individuals learn to live with the imperfections and admire the good qualities of others.

The Moral of the story:

LEARN TO LOVE THE PRICKS IN YOUR LIFE.

This is fun….. Footloose

Whoever put this together is an editing genius… take a few

minutes to watch and remember……..these cuts are from

almost 40 different movies, each with their own songs,

and the person who put this together made sure all the

dancers were hitting the exact beats to this one song

that you’re hearing. One song! Watch

everyone’s feet – they’re spot on! Fantastic!!!

Never misses a beat from movie to movie.

ENJOY!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYL3j27sSH8

Friendship ~ None of that Sissy Stuff

Are you tired of those sissy ‘friendship’ poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cute little smiley faces on this ~ Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1.. When you are sad ~ I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue ~ I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3 When you smile ~ I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

4. When you are scared ~ I will pick on you about it every chance I get until you’re NOT.

5. When you are worried ~ I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused ~ I will try to use only little words.

7.. When you are sick ~ Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don’t want whatever you have.

8. When you fall ~ I will laugh at your clumsy ass, but I’ll help you up.

9. This is my oath ….. I pledge it to the end. ‘Why?’ you may ask ~ because you are my friend.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Yup, that’s me…..

I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven’s door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp–
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.

Bob, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, ‘What’s the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How’d all these sinners get up here?
God must’ve made a mistake.

‘And why is everyone so quiet,
So somber – give me a clue.’
‘Hush, child,’ He said,
‘they’re all in shock.
No one thought they’d be seeing you.’

While creating Husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.

And then God made the earth round.

Terry and Judy, two old ladies, are chatting.

Terry: “People can be so helpful. There are Mike and Lee, who are maintenance men, who let themselves into the apartment with their passkey so I don’t have to make the stairs. They pick up my trash and carry it out to the dumpster. Then there’s Steve, my amiable mailman who gathers my accumulated mail from the cluster box and delivers it to my door and carries the occasional package up the stairs for me. And there’s Bob with the food catering service who even makes an extra stop at the grocery store to pick up milk…
But there’s a problem.”

Judy: “What problem?”

Terry: “My neighbors think I’m running a brothel!

From what I understand, this is a picture of Lethal’s first attempt to run maneuvers with the Army….not sure how it happened, but if it was our Leprechaun, you can be assured that alcohol was involved, somehow.

How to Get Rid of Telemarketers

– If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died. When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.

– If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

– This works great if you are male: Telemarketing: “Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with XYZ Company…Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, “What are you wearing?”

– Cry out in surprise, “Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

– Say “No,” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to peak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

– If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends…Would you be my friend?”

– If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?”

– After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give you credit card number to a complete stranger.

– Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can’t sell to employees.

– Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream “Oh my Gosh!!!” and then hang up.

– Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The telemarketer will agree and you say, “Now you know how I feel!” Hang up.

– Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

– Tell the telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you some beer.

– Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

– Tell the telemarketer, “Okay, I will listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I’m not wearing any clothes.”

– Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”

– Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up…louder… louder… LOUDER…

– Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

– If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

 

“My doctor also said that my drinking is a reaction to depression. But for the life of me, I can’t understand what the 1930s has to do with it.”

“Is your husband gone yet?  Is it safe to come out?”

The morning after a terrible snowstorm, I spotted my neighbor, Janet, shoveling her driveway. I waved hello and asked why her husband wasn’t out helping her.
She explained that one of them had to stay inside and look after their two small children. They had flipped a coin to determine which would be the one to go out and shovel.
“Sorry to hear of your bad luck,” I said.
“Don’t be,” she replied quickly. “I won!”

I was driving one night in a really heavy rain. My car slid off the road into a field of tall grass. When the sheriff arrived, he asked, “Slip off the road?”
I said, “Nope. The car got hungry so I let it graze in the grass for a while.

You may have heard about a new bride who
was a bit embarrassed to be known as a
honeymooner.

So when she and her husband pulled up to the
hotel, she asked him if there was any way that
they could make it appear that they had been
married a long time.

He responded, “Sure. You carry the suitcases!”

The annual family picnic was going to be held in my brother and sister-in-law’s backyard. After a busy day of preparations, they decided to go for an evening stroll.
My sister-in-law commented that the next day would be the longest day of the year. “Yes, dear, I know,” her husband replied. “Your family is coming over.”

Who Does The Land of Israel Belong To?

An Israeli Sense of Humor at UN set the record straight.

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.

A representative from Israel began: ‘Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses: When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, ‘What a good opportunity to have a bath!’ Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished.  A Palestinian had stolen them!

The Palestinian representative at the UN jumped up furiously and shouted,  ‘What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren’t there then.’

The Israeli representative smiled and said, ‘And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.

Many of you know what I do for a living and you know that chemical weapons are near and dear to my heart.  So, when I was sent this article by Stephanie, I had to use it, in it’s entirety.  Enjoy the history lesson:

Ancient chemical weapons that were ahead of their time

Even in the early days of humanity, people were lazy. They wanted a way to kill each other without having to go to all the trouble of bashing each other’s heads in with rocks. So they turned to better living (briefly) through chemistry. Find out how wolf crap and chilies won wars.

No one knows the first time a human came home from a long day of sticking pointy things into other humans to say, “Man, there has got to be a easier way.” But we do know that the first time was not the only time. The ancient world is rife with chemical warfare. Chemical weapons have been used for millennia to burn, blind, suffocate, poison, or just plain irritate the enemy into submission.

Fire Agents

Any substantive discussion of ancient warfare has to include the good old Greeks. They managed to come up with the idea of using flame throwers in combat to burn people alive. Greek Fire was a famed weapon, although its exact composition is still not understood and some say its abilities were exaggerated. It started with those lovable Spartans building up a blaze, setting a pipe up behind it, and using a bellows to blow air down the pipe, blowing flames toward the opposing side. Once the concept proved effective, Byzantium got chemicals involved; chemicals probably derived from the petroleum that came from around the Black Sea. They used chemicals to make fire portable. Instead of huge heaps of coals, they could direct a stream of flame. When they applied this to naval warfare, they were a devastating force. Not only did the flaming chemicals burn enemy ships – they floated on water and burned any survivors of sinking vessels.

Ancient China is just as unavoidable as Greece. The Chinese took the concept of the flamethrower and went wide. They improved on the Greek’s flamethrowers by adding a second bellows, so the fire was continuous. They put flamethrowers on wheels. They even found a way to hand carry flamethrowers onto the battlefield. They filled a shaft of bamboo with flammable chemicals and attached it to the end of a long spear. When the chemicals were lit, they shot fire several feet out from the lance, and kept going for five minutes. To put it in perspective, many modern flamethrowers don’t keep burning for five minutes.

Suffocation and Irritation

Chinese soldiers also used gases of all kinds. When the enemy tried to tunnel under walls, they blew smoke from furnaces into those tunnels, suffocating them. When the enemy tried to attack a city, they fired smoke bombs that caused bleeding from the nose and mouth. They even devised formulas that used wolf and sometimes human feces ground into powder and mixed with arsenic. This was said go right through protective clothing and cause blisters. It was used much the way nonlethal gas is used today – as a form of riot control.

Down in Brazil they also used smoke to control crowds. This smoke didn’t blister the skin, but it drew tears from the eyes. Ground up chili peppers were burnt over fires and the smoke from the peppers was fanned towards the enemy. Many people reading this will have been careless in the kitchen and touched their eyes after handling spicy foods. Most of those people will only have done that once. The smoke, loaded with capsaicin from the peppers, blinded people with tears.

Poison, Poison, Poison

Why should fighters make their enemies tear up, though, when they could make them keel over instead? Curare is a generic name for poisons used in South America. Most often seen doing the impossible in pulp paperbacks, it does have its uses in reality, too. Most types of this poison were made with the bark of the subtly-named Strychnos toxifera. The more discerning poisoners added a little snake or ant venom, threw the ingredients in a pot of water, and boiled them for a couple of days until the mixture became a paste. To make sure the recipe was right, brewers would count how many hops a frog could take after being pricked with an knife dipped in the stuff. Curare kills by slow, creeping paralysis that leaves a victim conscious until it attacks the muscles that control breathing. Curare was most often used in hunting – since it only poisons through contact with blood and can be ingested in animal meat without harm to humans.

Poison, of course, was not just the weapon of hunters and armies, but the weapon of Emperors as well. Romans used it, although it was frowned upon, to poison the drinking water of Germanic tribes when they were being belligerent. What was good for the goose was good for the gander – Romans used it to kill each other when they were being belligerent as well. In fact, a woman named Locusta was said to be a universally known professional poisoner. And a professional poison homicide investigator, hired by the state. (At last a way to make a new Law & Order spin-off that’s interesting.)

Poison was such a versatile addition to weapon that it was used almost everywhere. Ancient Iranian archers would infect their enemies by dipping their arrows in manure and blood. The Romans used poison in water supplies again in Asia Minor when faced with guerilla warfare after having destroyed the region’s army. Hawaiians and South Americans dipped their arrows in secretions from the skin of many different kinds of poison dart frogs. Some of these frogs are so poisonous that they can kill or severely injure people simply by being handled too long. It’s a shame that more research hasn’t been done on the uses of the poison dart frog, because it could have made for one of the most embarrassing and funniest ways ever to win a war through chemical weapons. Instead of shooting and stabbing and gassing and bludgeoning, one side could have gone up to the other and said, “Here. Hold this frog. We’ll be back in minute.”

Rate this:

Hump Day ‘tis upon us once more. Oh….yippie! His expression about sums up my feelings on the subject for today. Beyond that due to intense mind fog (no doubt brought on by Allergy medication) all witty thoughts and comments have been grounded.

 

 

Ever make mistakes?
Perhaps perusing this list of the ten greatest accidental inventions of all time will help you to find the gold in the dirt, the diamond in the rough and the lesson in the lashing.

1. The Microwave – Percy L. Spencer
Percy Spencer, an engineer at Raytheon after his WWI stint in the Navy, was known as an electronics genius. In 1945, Spencer was fiddling with a microwave-emitting magnetron-used in the guts of radar arrays-when he felt a strange sensation in his pants. A sizzling, even. Spencer paused and found that a chocolate bar in his pocket had started to melt. Figuring that the microwave radiation of the magnetron was to blame (or to credit, as it would turn out), Spencer immediately set out to realize the culinary potential at work. The end result was the microwave oven-savior of eager snackers and single dudes worldwide.

2. Saccharin – Ira Remsen, Constantin Fahlberg
In 1879, Ira Remsen and Constantin Fahlberg, at work in a laboratory at Johns Hopkins University, paused to eat. Fahlberg had neglected to wash his hands before the meal-which usually leads to a quick death for most chemists, but led to him noticing an oddly sweet flavor during his meal. Artificial sweetener! The duo published their findings together, but it was only Fahlberg’s name that made it onto the (incredibly lucrative) patent, now found in pink packets at tables everywhere. That is to say, Remsen got screwed-he later
remarked, “Fahlberg is a scoundrel. It nauseates me to hear my name mentioned in the same breath with him.”

3. Slinky – Richard James
In 1943, Navy engineer Richard James was trying to figure out  how to use springs to keep the sensitive instruments aboard ships from rocking themselves to death, when he knocked one of his prototypes over. Instead of crashing to the floor, it gracefully sprang downward, and then righted itself. So pointless-so nimble-so slinky. The spring became a goofy toy of many childhoods-that is before every kid inevitably gets theirs
all twisted up and ruins it. 300 million sold worldwide!

4. Play-Doh – Kutol Products
Before being found ground into the rugs of child-rearing homes everywhere, Play-Doh was ironically created to be a cleaning product. The paste was first marketed as a treatment for filthy wallpaper-before the company that produced it began to go down the tubes. The discovery that saved Kutol Products-headed for bankruptcy-wasn’t that their wall cleaner worked particularly well, but that schoolchildren were beginning to use it to create
Christmas ornaments as arts and crafts projects. By removing the compound’s cleanser and adding colors and a fresh scent, Kutol spun their wallpaper saver into one of the most iconic toys of all time-and brought mega-success to a company headed for destruction. Sometimes, you don’t even know how brilliant you are until someone notices for you.

5. Super Glue – Harry Coover
In what have been a very messy moment of discovery in 1942, Dr. Harry Coover of Eastman-Kodak Laboratories found that a  substance he created-cyanoacrylate-was a miserable failure. It was not, to his dismay, at all suited for a new precision gun
sight as he had hoped-it infuriatingly stuck to everything it touched. So it was forgotten. Six years later, while overseeing an experimental new design for airplane canopies, Coover found himself stuck in the same gooey mess with a familiar foe-cyanoacrylate was proving useless as ever. But this time, Coover observed that the stuff formed an incredibly strong bond without needing heat. Coover and his team tinkered with sticking various
objects in their lab together, and realized they had finally stumbled upon a use for the maddening goop. Coover slapped a patent on his discovery, and in 1958, a full 16 years after he first got stuck, cyanoacrylate was being sold on shelves.

6. Teflon – Roy Plunkett
The next time you make a frustration-free omelet, thank chemist Roy Plunkett, whose experienced immense frustration while inadvertently inventing Teflon in 1938. Plunkett had hoped to create a new variety of chlorofluorocarbons (better known as
universally-despised CFCs), when he came back to check on his experiment in a refrigeration chamber. When he inspected a canister that was supposed to be full of gas, he found that it appeared to have vanished-leaving behind only a few white flakes. Plunkett was intrigued by these mysterious chemical bits, and began at once to experiment with their properties. The new substance proved to be a fantastic lubricant with an
extremely high melting point-perfect at first for military gear, and now the stuff found finely applied across your non-stick cookware.

7. Bakelite – Leo Baekeland
In 1907, shellac was commonly used to insulate the innards of early electronics-think radios and telephones. This was fine, aside from the fact that shellac is made from Asian beetle poop, and not exactly the cheapest or easiest way to insulate a wire.
What Belgian chemist Leo Baekeland found in instead was-get ready-polyoxybenzylmethylenglycolanhydride, the world’s first synthetic plastic, commonly known as Bakelite. This pioneering plastic was moldable into virtually any shape, in any color, and could hold its form against high temperatures and daily wear-making it a star among manufacturers, jewelers, and industrial designers.

8. Pacemaker – Wilson Greatbatch
An assistant professor at the University of Buffalo thought he had ruined his project. Instead of picking a 10,000-ohm resistor out of a box to use on a heart-recording prototype, Wilson Greatbatch took the 1-megaohm variety. The resulting circuit
produced a signal that sounded for 1.8 milliseconds, and then paused for a second-a dead ringer for the human heart. Greatbatch realized the precise current could regulate a pulse,
overriding the imperfect hea tbeat of the ill. Before this point, pacemakers were television-sized, cumbersome things that were temporarily attached to patients from the outside. But now the effect could be achieved with a small circuit, perfect to tuck into someone’s chest.

9. Velcro – George de Mestral
A dog invented Velcro. Alright, that’s something of an exaggeration, but a dog did play
an instrumental role. Swiss engineer George de Mestral was out for a hunting trip with his pooch, and noticed the annoying tendency of burrs to stick to its fur (and his socks). Later,
looking under a microscope, Mestral observed the tiny “hooks” that stuck burrs to fabrics and furs. Mestral experimented for years with a variety of textiles before arriving at the newly invented nylon-though it wasn’t until two decades later that NASA’s fondness for Velcro popularized the tech.

10. X-Rays – Wilhelm Roentgen
Okay, yes, x-rays are a phenomenon of the natural world, and thus can’t be created. But sshhh! The story of their discovery is a fascinating one of incredible chance. In 1895, German physicist Wilhelm Roentgen was performing a routine experiment involving cathode rays, when he noticed that a piece of fluorescent cardboard was lighting up from across the room. A thick screen had been placed between his cathode emitter and the
radiated cardboard, proving that particles of light were passing through solid objects. Amazed, Roentgen quickly found that brilliant images could be produced with this incredible radiation-the first of their kind being a skeletal image of his wife’s hand.

 

Medical Error

At the outpatient surgery center where I work, the anesthesiologist

often chatted with patients before their operations to help them relax.

One day he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at the

hospital where he had trained.

When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he said, “So,

tell me, is the food still as bad there as it used to be?”

“Well, I suppose,” she replied, “I’m still cooking it.”

Memento

Friend: “I suppose you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?”

Woman: “Yes, it’s a lock of my husband’s hair.”

Friend: “But your husband is still alive.”

Woman: “I know, but his hair is gone.”

 

An Involuntary Muscular Contraction

A professor at the University of British Columbia was giving a lecture
on ‘Involuntary Muscular Contractions’ to his first year medical  students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said:

‘Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?’

She replied: ‘Probably moose hunting with his buddies.’

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom…

 

In case you wonder what he is wearing, that’s a crocheted scarf in a pattern meant to resemble bacon & eggs. What’s even scarier is Impish tried to order the guy with an English muffin and coffee!

Chopsticks

A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had
been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said

“Chopsticks are provided only on request.”

“But,” the man countered, “if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you
wouldn’t have to pay someone to wash all the forks.”

“True,” the waiter shot back, “but we would have to hire three more
people to clean up the mess.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

No Last Word from me today. The Dragon has been doing a fine job of making the cauldron bubble and too many Last Words ruin the commenting quality. So I’m just going to sit back do a little singing and prick my thumbs.  You don’t understand what I mean you say??

ALL
35 Double, double toil and trouble;
36 Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Second Witch
37 Cool it with a baboon’s blood,
38 Then the charm is firm and good.

HECATE
39 O well done! I commend your pains;
40 And every one shall share i’ the gains;
41 And now about the cauldron sing,
42 Live elves and fairies in a ring
43 Enchanting all that you put in.

Second Witch
44 By the pricking of my thumbs,
45 Something wicked this way comes.

Macbeth: Act 4, Scene 1

Understand now? Thought you would! Hopefully instead of Macbeth it will be a Republican candidate to oppose and scare the hell out of Obama!

 

What am I doing in this hand basket and where are we going?  Let’s see….can you hold this gasoline soaked rag, stuffed in this gasoline filled glass bottle, while I find a match? 
The other day, I was going to award the Leprechaun with the infamous Wooden Spoon Award…. because of all the trouble he was riling up, but as of today, I think that distinction belongs to me….
Yup, little old dragon is causing trouble.  You’ll have to look at the Last Word to find it, but find it you shall.  I guess I’m just getting too old and tired to put up with these silly games anymore.  Anyway, check out the Last Word, check out the links, do some research on your own, yes, I’m asking you to do some thinking for yourself.  Now, for some of you, that’s an easy thing, you do it every day, a couple of times in fact.  Might take the weekend off every now and then or the occasional drunken Saturday night, but for the most part, most of you are really good at thinking for yourself, but there’s a couple of you out there…..I don’t know….it’s a wonder you actually read this e-zine, although that alone does give us some hope for you, but you know what we stand for, who we are, and yet the whole free-thinking thing still hasn’t rubbed off on you.

Now, I’m not saying that those of you who disagree with us are wrong, just the opposite in fact.  Those of you who disagree with us, and can express yourself in multi-syllabic words, without saying “You’re Obama bashing and you’re wrong” and offering no other discourse, are to be cherished!  We love hearing from you, love for you to try and change our minds.  And believe it or not, it’s been done before.  But not by name calling or by calling me a racist.  That will NEVER convince us of anything other than the fact that you are an idiot.

So, before I go causing all kinds of trouble, we better get a laugh or two in first.  I have a feeling it’s going to be a long day.

In the South, we learn to keep our spirits up in the midst of disaster.

Let’s start the day off with a really bad groaner from our dear friend Stephanie
A few years ago the nuclear aircraft carrier Enterprise was returning to its base at the Oakland-Alameda Naval Base when the ship’s captain, misreading the tides, managed to run the carrier aground on the mud flats of San Francisco bay. This event went down in history as being one of the finest examples of grounding the warship you walk on.

Yes, this is a real book… (a real book for PARENTS!!)

Go the Fuck To Sleep is a bedtime book for parents who live in the real world, where a few snoozing kitties and cutesy rhymes don’t always send a toddler sailing off to dreamland. Honest, profane, and affectionate, Adam Mansbach’s verses and Ricardo Cortés’ illustrations perfectly capture the familiar—and unspoken—tribulations of putting your little angel down for the night, and open up a conversation about parenting in the process. Beautiful, subversive, and pants-wettingly funny, Go the Fuck to Sleep is a perfect gift for parents new, old, or expectant. Here is a sample verse:

The cats nestle close to their kittens now.
The lambs have laid down with the sheep.
You’re cozy and warm in your bed, my dear
Please go the fuck to sleep.

You can order it here: http://www.amazon.com/Go-Fuck-Sleep-Adam-Mansbach/dp/1617750255/ref=sr_1_8?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1303538076&sr=1-8

Wow — written in 1896…

Which Are You?

THERE are two kinds of people on earth to-day;
Just two kinds of people, no more, I say.

Not the sinner and saint, for it’s well understood,
The good are half bad, and the bad are half good.

Not the rich and the poor, for to rate a man’s wealth,
You must first know the state of his conscience and health.

Not the humble and proud, for in life’s little span,
Who puts on vain airs, is not counted a man.

Not the happy and sad, for the swift flying years
Bring each man his laughter and each man his tears.

No; the two kinds of people on earth I mean,
Are the people who lift, and the people who lean.

Wherever you go, you will find the earth’s masses,
Are always divided in just these two classes.

And oddly enough, you will find too, I ween,
There’s only one lifter to twenty who lean.

In which class are you? Are you easing the load,
Of overtaxed lifters, who toil down the road?

Or are you a leaner, who lets others share
Your portion of labor, and worry and care?

by Ella Wheeler Wilcox, Custer and Other Poems, 1896

Hugh came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.

“What’s the story this time. Hugh?” he asked sarcastically. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”

Hugh sighed and said, “Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn’t turn up. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office.”

“You’ll have to do better than that. Hugh,” replied the boss, disappointed. “No woman can be ready in ten minutes.”

 

So now Mike Richard is in the game as well.  This is really getting out of hand, folks!

A man goes to his dentist because he feels something is wrong with his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, “That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is completely corroded. What have you been eating?”

The man replies, “All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious: Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything — meat, toast, fish, vegetables, you name it.”

“Well,” says the dentist, “that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time I’ll use chrome.”

“Why chrome?” asks the patient.

The dentist replies, “It’s simple. Everyone knows there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!“

Next-door neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their back yard. The wife had rather grand ideas,
while the husband wanted costs kept to a minimum. The wife won out, and the construction bill climbed higher and higher.

I dropped by one day when the patio was nearing completion, and was surprised to find the husband smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed over the surface. I remarked how nice it was to
see a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately.

“You see where they’re smoothing that cement?” he replied. “I just threw all my wife’s credit cards in there.”

This guy writes to us all the time.

President Obama had lunch with Republican leaders at the White House today and had to do without salt, pepper and butter. Not for dietary reasons. The Republicans refused to pass anything. (Jay Leno)

Well, yeah, me too …..
It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting
at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the
young blonde woman beside her.
Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the
blonde and bellowed with a loud voice, “Young lady, I would rather
commit adultery than smoke!”
“So would I,” quipped the blonde, “but you know, there just isn’t
time enough during a coffee break.

I know this guy….I think he was at my wedding.

Now this is interesting….and if true, I’ll NEVER be at risk for Alzheimers
Good for you?

http://www.everydayhealth.com/alzheimers/can-caffeine-ward-off-alzheimers.aspx?xid=aol_eh-age_1-2_20110403&icid=main%7Chtmlws-main-w%7Cdl5%7Csec3_lnk2%7C209489

There are some very weird people out there….and they’re all my friends:
Whenever I get a package of M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger,I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the “loser,” and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to: M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc. Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3×5 card reading, “Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.”

Dear Ugly People,

You’re welcome.

Sincerely, Alcohol

Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the ark wasn’t leaving till 5.

Sincerely,

Unicorns

 

Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming.
Karma’s a bitch.

Sincerely,

The Titanic

 

Dear America,

You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

Sincerely,

Canada

 

Dear Yahoo,

I’ve never heard anyone say, “I don’t know, let’s Yahoo! it…” just saying…

Sincerely,

Google

 

Dear 2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!

Sincerely,

1985

Dear girls who have been dumped,

There are plenty of fish in the sea… Just kidding! They’re all dead.

Sincerely,

BP

Dear World,

Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy OK?

Sincerely,

The Mayans

Dear White People,

Don’t you just hate immigrants?

Sincerely,

Native Americans

Dear Trash,

At least you get picked up…

Sincerely,

The Girls of Jersey Shore

 

Dear Man,

It’s cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Sincerely,

Elephant

Some darn fool tried stealing my identity. Guess he didn’t get what he’d bargained for and sent me a condolence card in the mail today.

In it he wrote:

Dear Pal,

Please accept my humblest of apologies. I am sorry I stole your identity.

First I had a phone installed under your name. The dang thing wouldn’t stop ringing! Bill collectors, lawyers, and your cousin Billy called collect from the State Pen every day!

I applied for credit cards but instead of receiving cards I received balance due notices threatening to take me to court if not paid in full within 7 days. I’ve had to move twice already!

I came home from a night out on the town last week and found your wife and kids sprawled out all over the house. My house is trashed, they’ve eaten all the food, and they refuse to leave!

I promise to turn my life around and never commit another crime for as long as I live if you will come pick up your family.

I replied:

Nope!

When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text. “I want to talk about my dad and the wonderful influence he has had on my life,” he told the audience. “He is a shining example of parenthood, and I love him more than words could ever do justice.”

At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause he looked up with a grin and said, “Sorry, it’s really hard to read my dad’s handwriting.

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. It’s for my husband, she tells the clerk.
Did he tell you what gauge to get? asked the clerk.

Are you kidding? she says. He doesn’t even know that I’m going to shoot him!

Okay, I have to ask…..why the hell isn’t the main stream media screaming blue-bloody-murder over this!!!???

Check out YouTube – Obama Birth Certificate Faked In Adobe Illustrator

 

Click here: YouTube – Obama Birth Certificate Faked In Adobe Illustrator – Official Proof 1 ( Layers )

And this is just the first of many, many youtube presentations of this type.  But this one guy, that started the video above and has about 4 sequels to it, where he addresses, professionally, every single question and doubt that is brought up to him, is presented the best.  Even the maniac on infowars.com gets into it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Grd8LgHrNr8&feature=related 

and he brings up some really good questions.  Why was such an obviously amateurish attempt presented as factual on the Whitehouse website?  He (the infowars maniac) speculates that they wanted the controversy, that with all the experts at the CIA, FBI, etc, etc, that this had to be done on purpose.  Well, I have two possible scenarios for you.  But first, I want to go back to my original question, why hasn’t one of the major networks picked this up?  Are they all on marching orders from the Whitehouse to leave it alone?  These guys can’t possibly NOT know.  So, they have to be ignoring it on purpose.  Again, the question is why?  WHY???!!!  Now, I’m not normally a conspiracy nut, not by any stretch of the imagination, but what are we supposed to think?

 

No one has come forward to say they went to school with this guy, no one has come forward to say they dated him, slept with him, had his love child, smoked dope with him, crammed for a test with him, had him in their class, remember him at graduation, drank in a bar with him, nothing!  AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO FINDS THIS MIND BOGGLING?

 

“We provided additional information today, about the site of my birth.  Now, this issue has been going on for two, two and a half years now, I think it started during the campaign.”  He says all this with a smarmy smile on his face almost like he knows he’s pulling a fast one on us and expects us to buy it hook, line and sinker.  And man, it’s annoying!

 

I have not been a “birther” before, although I didn’t understand why he didn’t just produce his birth certificate, like I had to a hundred times while in the military…and since, but I thought there were more important irons in the fire, but now that he has, to try and pawn off such an obvious fake….it’s insulting.  What is this, the Emperor’s New Clothes?  The Emperor says it’s a birth certificate so all of us loyal subjects agree it’s a birth certificate even when it resembles more of a scrabble board than a birth certificate?

 

Okay, as to why it’s such a crappy fake, here’s my two separate hypothesis.  What if you were a CIA, FBI, or some other acronym employee and you were told to put together a fake birth certificate for the president of the United States and you were a loyal American and it pissed you off that you were ordered to do such a thing, would you maybe do a crappy job on purpose, hoping to be caught out?  It is just a minor thing, forgetting to merge all the layers (I think in Photoshop it’s called “flattening”) and maybe no one will notice right away the modern fonts…. That’s one theory.

 

The other one is that maybe they couldn’t use the CIA, FBI, ABC just for that reason, because they knew that someone, somewhere would leak it.  Or thought they would, so they got some really loyal Obamaphite, who “thought” he was good with Photoshop and actually made some bonehead mistakes.  Cousin Willy or someone. 

 

Who knows.  All I know for sure is:
WHY AREN’T WE ALL YELLING BLUE-BLOODY-MURDER OVER THIS????????? IS THIS NOT AN IMPEACHABLE OFFENSE???

 

And yes…..all you left wing, entitlement, democrat, tree-hugging, liberals out there….I am Obama bashing!  I’m also media bashing, common sense bashing, and FBI, CIA, Alphabet Soup bashing!  It’s time to stand the hell up!

 

 

Rate this:

The greeting would be here if I could muster any excitement over it being Monday again

Not ONLY is there a book…but I think Impish wrote it besides and I swear he’s tested every excuse in it too!

A little known piece of nautical history. Most
people don’t know that in 1912, Hellmann’s Mayonnaise
was manufactured in England. The Titanic was carrying
12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery
in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of
call for the great ship after New York City. The people
of Mexico eagerly awaited the first delivery and were
very upset at the news of the sinking. So much that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.It is known, of course, as: Sinko de Mayo. Blame Reader Tom for this travesty of comedy.

Finally, you can kiss over the Internet

Because yeah, I’m sure people have been crying out in frustration, asking why this was not possible, since the days of the Extranet and Bulletin Boards…well ok MAYBE Impish and the cyber-perverts have been, but as to the rest of us.… (By the way if you actually understood those 2 pre-internet references and/or went the least bit fondly nostalgic? WOW! You are OLD!)

Japanese researchers (ah invented in Japan, the world leader in inventing weird pointless tech that only makes sense if you are Japanese) have developed a kiss transmission device. It lets users kiss others via an Internet connection. For now, it can only transmit movement. Sound bizarre? Wait until you see this thing in action!

I’m left wondering how far behind this the guy working on transmitting Mononucleosis via the Internet is? Also ever since I mentioned this to Impish, he has been alternately try to sign up as one of the kissable celebrities and searching for any sign his dream of kissing a Teletubby (even remotely apparently) can finally be realized at any price.

I’d like to thank my personal assistant Friday for posing for this Motivational Poster.

And in the interest of Equal time here is Impish’s Assistant Tessie. Don’t ask about the bracelets, I don’t know, I don’t WANT to know and I’m certainly NOT about to ask either of them! Some things are just to frightening to contemplate… like for instance where she keeps her PDA in that outfit!

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green; however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red.

After seeing this, the teacher asked him, “Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?”

Young Bobby replied, “The same number of times I’ve seen a duck holding an umbrella.”

View of San Francisco Bay From a Blimp

If you had to pay for a flight it would have been $425 per seat.

Theses pictures are awesome.

http://home.comcast.net/~bzee1b/Zeppelin/Zeppelin.html

Daily Show: Definitely, Maybe

Pundits describe Bin Laden’s death as Obama’s “defining moment,” and it’s not like they throw a phrase like that around for any event.  <end of underlining for sarcastic emphasis >

http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/thu-may-5-2011/definitely–maybe?xrs=share_copy

ATTENTION LIBERALS, DEMOCRATS and people named Dun, Don, or any other combination of the letters D &  N with a vowel between them:

Please note this Last Word ALSO makes fun of the MEDIA and not Obama. We at DragonLaffs & LeprechaunLaffs would appreciate it iif you didn’t try to make it about bashing him! It save us the time and effort of pointing this out in response to your comments and calling attention to your stupidity. Thanks!