What am I doing in this hand basket and where are we going? Let’s see….can you hold this gasoline soaked rag, stuffed in this gasoline filled glass bottle, while I find a match?
The other day, I was going to award the Leprechaun with the infamous Wooden Spoon Award…. because of all the trouble he was riling up, but as of today, I think that distinction belongs to me….
Yup, little old dragon is causing trouble. You’ll have to look at the Last Word to find it, but find it you shall. I guess I’m just getting too old and tired to put up with these silly games anymore. Anyway, check out the Last Word, check out the links, do some research on your own, yes, I’m asking you to do some thinking for yourself. Now, for some of you, that’s an easy thing, you do it every day, a couple of times in fact. Might take the weekend off every now and then or the occasional drunken Saturday night, but for the most part, most of you are really good at thinking for yourself, but there’s a couple of you out there…..I don’t know….it’s a wonder you actually read this e-zine, although that alone does give us some hope for you, but you know what we stand for, who we are, and yet the whole free-thinking thing still hasn’t rubbed off on you.
Now, I’m not saying that those of you who disagree with us are wrong, just the opposite in fact. Those of you who disagree with us, and can express yourself in multi-syllabic words, without saying “You’re Obama bashing and you’re wrong” and offering no other discourse, are to be cherished! We love hearing from you, love for you to try and change our minds. And believe it or not, it’s been done before. But not by name calling or by calling me a racist. That will NEVER convince us of anything other than the fact that you are an idiot.
So, before I go causing all kinds of trouble, we better get a laugh or two in first. I have a feeling it’s going to be a long day.
Let’s start the day off with a really bad groaner from our dear friend Stephanie
A few years ago the nuclear aircraft carrier Enterprise was returning to its base at the Oakland-Alameda Naval Base when the ship’s captain, misreading the tides, managed to run the carrier aground on the mud flats of San Francisco bay. This event went down in history as being one of the finest examples of grounding the warship you walk on.
Yes, this is a real book… (a real book for PARENTS!!)
Go the Fuck To Sleep is a bedtime book for parents who live in the real world, where a few snoozing kitties and cutesy rhymes don’t always send a toddler sailing off to dreamland. Honest, profane, and affectionate, Adam Mansbach’s verses and Ricardo Cortés’ illustrations perfectly capture the familiar—and unspoken—tribulations of putting your little angel down for the night, and open up a conversation about parenting in the process. Beautiful, subversive, and pants-wettingly funny, Go the Fuck to Sleep is a perfect gift for parents new, old, or expectant. Here is a sample verse:
The cats nestle close to their kittens now.
The lambs have laid down with the sheep.
You’re cozy and warm in your bed, my dear
Please go the fuck to sleep.
Which Are You?
THERE are two kinds of people on earth to-day;
Just two kinds of people, no more, I say.
Not the sinner and saint, for it’s well understood,
The good are half bad, and the bad are half good.
Not the rich and the poor, for to rate a man’s wealth,
You must first know the state of his conscience and health.
Not the humble and proud, for in life’s little span,
Who puts on vain airs, is not counted a man.
Not the happy and sad, for the swift flying years
Bring each man his laughter and each man his tears.
No; the two kinds of people on earth I mean,
Are the people who lift, and the people who lean.
Wherever you go, you will find the earth’s masses,
Are always divided in just these two classes.
And oddly enough, you will find too, I ween,
There’s only one lifter to twenty who lean.
In which class are you? Are you easing the load,
Of overtaxed lifters, who toil down the road?
Or are you a leaner, who lets others share
Your portion of labor, and worry and care?
by Ella Wheeler Wilcox, Custer and Other Poems, 1896
Hugh came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.
“What’s the story this time. Hugh?” he asked sarcastically. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”
Hugh sighed and said, “Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn’t turn up. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office.”
A man goes to his dentist because he feels something is wrong with his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, “That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is completely corroded. What have you been eating?”
The man replies, “All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious: Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything — meat, toast, fish, vegetables, you name it.”
“Well,” says the dentist, “that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time I’ll use chrome.”
“Why chrome?” asks the patient.
The dentist replies, “It’s simple. Everyone knows there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!“
while the husband wanted costs kept to a minimum. The wife won out, and the construction bill climbed higher and higher.
I dropped by one day when the patio was nearing completion, and was surprised to find the husband smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed over the surface. I remarked how nice it was to
see a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately.
“You see where they’re smoothing that cement?” he replied. “I just threw all my wife’s credit cards in there.”
President Obama had lunch with Republican leaders at the White House today and had to do without salt, pepper and butter. Not for dietary reasons. The Republicans refused to pass anything. (Jay Leno)
Well, yeah, me too …..
It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting
at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the
young blonde woman beside her.
Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the
blonde and bellowed with a loud voice, “Young lady, I would rather
commit adultery than smoke!”
“So would I,” quipped the blonde, “but you know, there just isn’t
time enough during a coffee break.
Now this is interesting….and if true, I’ll NEVER be at risk for Alzheimers
Good for you?
There are some very weird people out there….and they’re all my friends:
Whenever I get a package of M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Karma’s a bitch.
Some darn fool tried stealing my identity. Guess he didn’t get what he’d bargained for and sent me a condolence card in the mail today.
In it he wrote:
Please accept my humblest of apologies. I am sorry I stole your identity.
First I had a phone installed under your name. The dang thing wouldn’t stop ringing! Bill collectors, lawyers, and your cousin Billy called collect from the State Pen every day!
I applied for credit cards but instead of receiving cards I received balance due notices threatening to take me to court if not paid in full within 7 days. I’ve had to move twice already!
I came home from a night out on the town last week and found your wife and kids sprawled out all over the house. My house is trashed, they’ve eaten all the food, and they refuse to leave!
I promise to turn my life around and never commit another crime for as long as I live if you will come pick up your family.
When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text. “I want to talk about my dad and the wonderful influence he has had on my life,” he told the audience. “He is a shining example of parenthood, and I love him more than words could ever do justice.”
At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause he looked up with a grin and said, “Sorry, it’s really hard to read my dad’s handwriting.
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. It’s for my husband, she tells the clerk.
Did he tell you what gauge to get? asked the clerk.
Are you kidding? she says. He doesn’t even know that I’m going to shoot him!
WHY AREN’T WE ALL YELLING BLUE-BLOODY-MURDER OVER THIS????????? IS THIS NOT AN IMPEACHABLE OFFENSE???