Dragon Laffs #1197


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What am I doing in this hand basket and where are we going?  Let’s see….can you hold this gasoline soaked rag, stuffed in this gasoline filled glass bottle, while I find a match? 
The other day, I was 01dgoing to award the Leprechaun with the infamous Wooden Spoon Award…. because of all the trouble he was riling up, but as of today, I think that distinction belongs to me….
Yup, little old dragon is causing trouble.  You’ll have to look at the Last Word to find it, but find it you shall.  I guess I’m just getting too old and tired to put up with these silly games anymore.  Anyway, check out the Last Word, check out the links, do some research on your own, yes, I’m asking you to do some thinking for yourself.  Now, for some of you, that’s an easy thing, you do it every day, a couple of times in fact.  Might take the weekend off every now and then or the occasional drunken Saturday night, but for the most part, most of you are really good at thinking for yourself, but there’s a couple of you out there…..I don’t know….it’s a wonder you actually read this e-zine, although that alone does give us some hope for you, but you know what we stand for, who we are, and yet the whole free-thinking thing still hasn’t rubbed off on you.

Now, I’m not saying that those of you who disagree with us are wrong, just the opposite in fact.  Those of you who disagree with us, and can express yourself in multi-syllabic words, without saying “You’re Obama bashing and you’re wrong” and offering no other discourse, are to be cherished!  We love hearing from you, love for you to try and change our minds.  And believe it or not, it’s been done before.  But not by name calling or by calling me a racist.  That will NEVER convince us of anything other than the fact that you are an idiot.

So, before I go causing all kinds of trouble, we better get a laugh or two in first.  I have a feeling it’s going to be a long day.

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In the South, we learn to keep our spirits up in the midst of disaster.
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Let’s start the day off with a really bad groaner from our dear friend Stephanie
A few years ago the nuclear aircraft carrier Enterprise was returning to its base at the Oakland-Alameda Naval Base when the ship’s captain, misreading the tides, managed to run the carrier aground on the mud flats of San Francisco bay. This event went down in history as being one of the finest examples of grounding the warship you walk on.

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Yes, this is a real book (a real book for PARENTS!!)

Go the Fuck To Sleep is a bedtime book for parents who live in the real world, where a few snoozing kitties and cutesy rhymes don’t always send a toddler sailing off to dreamland. Honest, profane, and affectionate, Adam Mansbach’s verses and Ricardo Cortés’ illustrations perfectly capture the familiar—and unspoken—tribulations of putting your little angel down for the night, and open up a conversation about parenting in the process. Beautiful, subversive, and pants-wettingly funny, Go the Fuck to Sleep is a perfect gift for parents new, old, or expectant. Here is a sample verse:

The cats nestle close to their kittens now.
The lambs have laid down with the sheep.
You’re cozy and warm in your bed, my dear
Please go the fuck to sleep.


You can order it here: http://www.amazon.com/Go-Fuck-Sleep-Adam-Mansbach/dp/1617750255/ref=sr_1_8?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1303538076&sr=1-8

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Wow — written in 1896…

Which Are You?

THERE are two kinds of people on earth to-day;
Just two kinds of people, no more, I say.

Not the sinner and saint, for it’s well understood,
The good are half bad, and the bad are half good.

Not the rich and the poor, for to rate a man’s wealth,
You must first know the state of his conscience and health.

Not the humble and proud, for in life’s little span,
Who puts on vain airs, is not counted a man.

Not the happy and sad, for the swift flying years
Bring each man his laughter and each man his tears.

No; the two kinds of people on earth I mean,
Are the people who lift, and the people who lean.

Wherever you go, you will find the earth’s masses,
Are always divided in just these two classes.

And oddly enough, you will find too, I ween,
There’s only one lifter to twenty who lean.

In which class are you? Are you easing the load,
Of overtaxed lifters, who toil down the road?

Or are you a leaner, who lets others share
Your portion of labor, and worry and care?

by Ella Wheeler Wilcox, Custer and Other Poems, 1896

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Hugh came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.

“What’s the story this time. Hugh?” he asked sarcastically. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”

Hugh sighed and said, “Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn’t turn up. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office.”

“You’ll have to do better than that. Hugh,” replied the boss, disappointed. “No woman can be ready in ten minutes.”
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So now Mike Richard is in the game as well.  This is really getting out of hand, folks!
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A man goes to his dentist because he feels something is wrong with his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, “That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is completely corroded. What have you been eating?”

The man replies, “All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious: Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything — meat, toast, fish, vegetables, you name it.”

“Well,” says the dentist, “that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time I’ll use chrome.”

“Why chrome?” asks the patient.

The dentist replies, “It’s simple. Everyone knows there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!

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Next-door neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their back yard. The wife had rather grand ideas,
while the husband wanted costs kept to a minimum. The wife won out, and the construction bill climbed higher and higher.

I dropped by one day when the patio was nearing completion, and was surprised to find the husband smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed over the surface. I remarked how nice it was to
see a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately.
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“You see where they’re smoothing that cement?” he replied. “I just threw all my wife’s credit cards in there.”

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This guy writes to us all the time.

President Obama had lunch with Republican leaders at the White House today and had to do without salt, pepper and butter. Not for dietary reasons. The Republicans refused to pass anything. (Jay Leno)

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Vacation

This

This is not the best graffiti ever

Well, yeah, me too …..
It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting
at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the
young blonde woman beside her.
Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the
blonde and bellowed with a loud voice, “Young lady, I would rather
commit adultery than smoke!”
“So would I,” quipped the blonde, “but you know, there just isn’t
time enough during a coffee break.

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I know this guy….I think he was at my wedding.

Now this is interesting….and if true, I’ll NEVER be at risk for Alzheimers
Good for you?

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There are some very weird people out there….and they’re all my friends:
Whenever I get a package of M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger,I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the “loser,” and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to: M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc. Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3×5 card reading, “Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.”

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Dear Ugly People,
You’re welcome.
Sincerely, Alcohol

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn’t leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns
 
Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming.
Karma’s a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic
 
Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada
 
Dear Yahoo,
I’ve never heard anyone say, “I don’t know, let’s Yahoo! it…” just saying…
Sincerely,
Google
 
Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea… Just kidding! They’re all dead.
Sincerely,
BP

Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy OK?
Sincerely,
The Mayans
Dear White People,
Don’t you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans
Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up…
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore
 
Dear Man,
It’s cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant

296

Some darn fool tried stealing my identity. Guess he didn’t get what he’d bargained for and sent me a condolence card in the mail today.

In it he wrote:

Dear Pal,

Please accept my humblest of apologies. I am sorry I stole your identity.

First I had a phone installed under your name. The dang thing wouldn’t stop ringing! Bill collectors, lawyers, and your cousin Billy called collect from the State Pen every day!

I applied for credit cards but instead of receiving cards I received balance due notices threatening to take me to court if not paid in full within 7 days. I’ve had to move twice already!

I came home from a night out on the town last week and found your wife and kids sprawled out all over the house. My house is trashed, they’ve eaten all the food, and they refuse to leave!

I promise to turn my life around and never commit another crime for as long as I live if you will come pick up your family.

I replied:

Nope!

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When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text. “I want to talk about my dad and the wonderful influence he has had on my life,” he told the audience. “He is a shining example of parenthood, and I love him more than words could ever do justice.”

At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause he looked up with a grin and said, “Sorry, it’s really hard to read my dad’s handwriting.

297

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. It’s for my husband, she tells the clerk.
Did he tell you what gauge to get? asked the clerk.

Are you kidding? she says. He doesn’t even know that I’m going to shoot him!

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Okay, I have to ask…..why the hell isn’t the main stream media screaming blue-bloody-murder over this!!!???
Check out YouTube – Obama Birth Certificate Faked In Adobe Illustrator
 

And this is just the first of many, many youtube presentations of this type.  But this one guy, that started the video above and has about 4 sequels to it, where he addresses, professionally, every single question and doubt that is brought up to him, is presented the best.  Even the maniac on infowars.com gets into it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Grd8LgHrNr8&feature=related 
and he brings up some really good questions.  Why was such an obviously amateurish attempt presented as factual on the Whitehouse website?  He (the infowars maniac) speculates that they wanted the controversy, that with all the experts at the CIA, FBI, etc, etc, that this had to be done on purpose.  Well, I have two possible scenarios for you.  But first, I want to go back to my original question, why hasn’t one of the major networks picked this up?  Are they all on marching orders from the Whitehouse to leave it alone?  These guys can’t possibly NOT know.  So, they have to be ignoring it on purpose.  Again, the question is why?  WHY???!!!  Now, I’m not normally a conspiracy nut, not by any stretch of the imagination, but what are we supposed to think?
 
No one has come forward to say they went to school with this guy, no one has come forward to say they dated him, slept with him, had his love child, smoked dope with him, crammed for a test with him, had him in their class, remember him at graduation, drank in a bar with him, nothing!  AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO FINDS THIS MIND BOGGLING?
 
“We provided additional information today, about the site of my birth.  Now, this issue has been going on for two, two and a half years now, I think it started during the campaign.”  He says all this with a smarmy smile on his face almost like he knows he’s pulling a fast one on us and expects us to buy it hook, line and sinker.  And man, it’s annoying!
 
I have not been a “birther” before, although I didn’t understand why he didn’t just produce his birth certificate, like I had to a hundred times while in the military…and since, but I thought there were more important irons in the fire, but now that he has, to try and pawn off such an obvious fake….it’s insulting.  What is this, the Emperor’s New Clothes?  The Emperor says it’s a birth certificate so all of us loyal subjects agree it’s a birth certificate even when it resembles more of a scrabble board than a birth certificate?
 
Okay, as to why it’s such a crappy fake, here’s my two separate hypothesis.  What if you were a CIA, FBI, or some other acronym employee and you were told to put together a fake birth certificate for the president of the United States and you were a loyal American and it pissed you off that you were ordered to do such a thing, would you maybe do a crappy job on purpose, hoping to be caught out?  It is just a minor thing, forgetting to merge all the layers (I think in Photoshop it’s called “flattening”) and maybe no one will notice right away the modern fonts…. That’s one theory.
 
The other one is that maybe they couldn’t use the CIA, FBI, ABC just for that reason, because they knew that someone, somewhere would leak it.  Or thought they would, so they got some really loyal Obamaphite, who “thought” he was good with Photoshop and actually made some bonehead mistakes.  Cousin Willy or someone. 
 
Who knows.  All I know for sure is:
WHY AREN’T WE ALL YELLING BLUE-BLOODY-MURDER OVER THIS????????? IS THIS NOT AN IMPEACHABLE OFFENSE???
 
And yes…..all you left wing, entitlement, democrat, tree-hugging, liberals out there….I am Obama bashing!  I’m also media bashing, common sense bashing, and FBI, CIA, Alphabet Soup bashing!  It’s time to stand the hell up!
 
 

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3 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1197

  1. Freddy says:

    In response to the last word posted on Dragon Laughs #1197

    There are a couple of points here. First, I don’t think the obamination wants the main stream media to comment on this.
    I think it was done to get a whole mess of people researching the internet, dissecting the posted birth certificate, crying about the falsehood.
    These are the folks who think for themselves and investigate. They keep their finger on what’s going on in the white house and the illegal activities of the currant administration.

    By keeping these “trouble makers” busy, it is the hope of the obamination that many things he is trying to get past the public without their being aware can be accomplished. If we are busy attacking the obvious fake birth certificate, we won’t have time or notice the sneaky, back door,
    Illegal shenanigans being used to push through things like more taxes hidden in a seemingly innocent presidential order or additional powers and authority given to BATEF or Homeland Security. This allows, more spending on outlandish and, “detrimental to America” policies such as house bill 1388. This bill was snuck through and appropriated some $20 million to bring Hamas supporters into the US as “legal immigrants”, providing all travel, accommodations, permanent housing, and living cash.

    There are a great many things in the works involving more spending, usurping of individual rights, and most of all sneaking up on the reelection bid that Obama is committed to pushing. He has to swindle the voters into reelecting him and the only way he can do that is to keep the thinking people so stirred up that they don’t have time to really notice what he is doing.

    The second and even more important reason is, again to keep the thinking people busy, too busy to speak. The comments in the Last Word went like this. “Who knows. All I know for sure is: WHY AREN’T WE ALL YELLING BLUE-BLOODY-MURDER OVER THIS????????? IS THIS NOT AN IMPEACHABLE OFFENSE???”

    I have commented several times, IMPEACHMENT IS NOT AN OPTION. I don’t know what it takes to get things through the thick heads of most people. Education I guess if you can just figure out how to get them to think or learn. If you impeach Obama, you have just legitimatized everything he has done while he is in office. You then must have congress repeal everything that Obama did while in office.

    On the other hand, if you prove him ineligible to hold office, then everything he did during the time he “illegally “ held office is null and void. It can not be used as it was not properly, legally imposed upon the country. This means that all the spending bills, Obamacare, HB#1388, and all the others are null and void. All the new Govt. expansion, unconstitutional laws that have been pushed through by whatever means no longer exist.

    Yes, it will create some problems, but they are extremely minor compared to what would happen if he were impeached. They can be handled, and with a lot less hassle and cost this way.

    My final point? Get off your dead backsides and investigate. Look it up. Google it or Yahoo it. Do something for yourself instead of just accepting what the controlled main stream media tells you. Yes, that includes the TV news, Cable news and your buddies BS attitude on You Tube. And then do something that very few do anymore. THINK INTELLIGENTLY.

    • impishdragon says:

      That’s a really good point Freddy. Impeachment does tend to validate the whole matter. Invalidating his eligibility to even hold the office will nullify a whole bunch of stuff, cause a ton of problems, but in the long run, if it turns out that he ISN’T eligible, then it is the right thing to do, and the cards fall where they may. Being honest and upright is the only measure of a (wo)man that really counts. Integrity is everything. And I’m afraid that our country’s integrity is not really what it should be right now. Why can’t THAT be our rally cry?

  2. lynn fux says:

    Hi Guys,just wanted to say ,there is nothing wrong with your M&Ms friend,I can do one better. I just returned from a month in Queensland Australia and the only thing I brought back aside from memories was 5kilos of M&Ms. Cheap there and if they had sold Twinkies I would have brought back a whole country’s worth!!!. Funny thing though about those M&Ms,got stopped at Israeli customs,first they didn’t believe,someone could spend a 10 hour layover in the Hong Kong Airport and not try and smuggle in electronics, and they thought all those containers of M&Ms were extasy pills!!!!!

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