Well, apparently the last issue was misdated and ended up back in time. Mystery solved. Let’s see if we can’t get this one sent out properly, shall we?
Other than that, it’s been an interesting day for me. I had a meeting at the Utility company today for an exercise that the LEPC, of which I am a part, is going to hold there in a month or so. What’s an LEPC? It is a Local Emergency Planning Committee. Every county is supposed to have one.
While we were there, right next door, a garbage truck caught on fire…well, actually, the contents caught on fire. We were the ones who called it in because everyone who worked in that building was at lunch. Finally, someone grabbed the truck and pulled it to an open spot of the dirt parking lot just as the fire truck pulled up. He dumped the trash out in the parking lot and the fire truck put out the burning trash. Great fun.
Then, on my way back to the base, there was a four car crash on the highway in the left hand turn lane that was right in front of me. More great fun.
And my Wednesday night jail was a really good night with a strong Spirit in the room.
So yeah…I’ve had a good day.
Now, let’s get this fun started.
Okay, here’s another one of those cool articles that Stephanie seems to be so good at finding. This one is called:
The True Meaning of “Weird”
Just click on the title and it should take you there.
So here’s ANOTHER cool article from our dear friend Stephanie. This one is called:
14 of the Most Fascinating Word Origins in the English Language – Oxford Royale
Same instructions as last time. Click it and you should go there.
Okay, how about one more for the road? This one is a bit odder, but still involves word play or etymology (the study of the history of words)
Oldest known words are 15,000 years old. Includes “mother”, “not” or “spit”
Should I even ask how many got that one?
That one qualifies as just because.
While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, the elderly woman left her glasses on the table, but she didn’t miss them until they were back on the highway.
By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.
The elderly man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant.
He called his wife every bad name he could think of.
When they finally arrived at the restaurant, as the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the man yelled to her, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat, too.”
I’ve already explained a similar one once, I’m not doing it again.
Well… it is by my favorite group…
So maybe one more time…
NO!
A man walked into a crowded doctor’s office.
As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, “Yes, sir, may we help you?”
“There’s something wrong with my dick,” he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say things like that.”
“Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you,” he said.
“We do not use language like that here,” she said. “Please go outside and come back in and say that there’s something wrong with your ear or whatever.”
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”
“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly. “And what is wrong with your ear, sir?”
“I can’t piss out of it,” the man replied.
And that, my dear friends, is what we call, a dead man who just doesn’t realize he’s dead yet.
IN COURT…
LAWYER: “On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?”
WITNESS: “I did.”
LAWYER: “And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duckpond?”
WITNESS: “I did.”
LAWYER: “And did you observe anything?”
WITNESS: “I did.” (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: “Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?”
WITNESS: “I saw George.”
LAWYER: ” You saw George *******, the defendant in this case? “
WITNESS: “Yes.”
LAWYER: “Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?”
WITNESS: “Yes.” (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: “Well, would you kindly do so?”
WITNESS: ” He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.”
LAWYER: “His ‘thing?'”
WITNESS: “You know… His thing. His di… I mean, his penis.”
LAWYER: “You passed close by the duckpond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?”
WITNESS: “Yes.”
LAWYER: “Did you say anything to him?”
WITNESS: “Of course, I did!”
LAWYER: “What did you say to him?”
WITNESS: “Morning, George.”
That is a GREAT overlayed photo
Absolutely Perfect! I can sit and laugh and think about that one all day!
There was a young lady from Wheeling
Who professed to no sexual feeling
Til a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling!
RICH people have small TVs and big libraries
POOR people have small libraries and big TVs
“How did you injure yourself?”
Age 20: “I fell off a roof and got hit by a car.”
Age 40: “I slipped on wet grass.”
Age 60: “I was opening a jar of peanut butter.”
Age 80: I was putting on my underwear.”
Age 100: “I inhaled too hard.”
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, “We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?”
One child blurted out, “Aces!”
Yeah! Let’s do this!!
The CIA loses track of one of its operatives, and so calls in one of their top spy hunters.
The CIA boss says, “All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he’s somewhere in Ireland. If you think you’ve located him, tell him the code words, ‘The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.’ If it’s really him, he’ll answer, ‘Yes, and for mist at noon as well.'”
So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a bar in one of the small towns. He says to the bartender, “Maybe you can help me. I’m looking for a guy named Murphy.”
The bartender replies, “You’re going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. There’s Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next block. There’s Murphy the Banker, who’s president of our local savings bank. There’s Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too.”
Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code words on the bartender, so he says, “The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.”
The bartender replies, “Oh, you’re looking for Murphy the Spy. He lives right down the street on the left.”
One of the things that I (and unsurprisingly) many other Emergency Managers are unusually attracted to is tornadoes. It is still one of my goals to get a good, close up photograph of one. Our good friend of the show, Ted sent us a great website of some great video of recent tornado activity in Nebraska. So click HERE. http://Video shows full fury of tornado that struck Lincoln, Nebraska in late April | Watch (msn.com)
A Republican gets frisky with his high school date. Career ruined. A Democrat drowns his date. Serves 50 years in Congress.
It seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth.
One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual “3 to 1, majority rules” statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.
“Oh, God!” he cried. “I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!”
It was a beautiful, sunny day, but as soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. “A sign from God! See, I’m right, I knew it!”
But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days. So the rabbi prayed again “Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong!”
This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.
“I told you I was right!” cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes. The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, “Oh God…,” the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, “HEEEEEEEE’S RIIIIIIIGHT!”
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, “Well?”
“So,” shrugged one of the other rabbis, “now it’s 3 to 2.”
Where there’s a will, there are five hundred relatives.
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, “I’m running away from home!”
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. “What if you get hungry?,” he said.
“Then I’ll come home and eat!,” bravely declared the child.
“And what if you run out of money?”
“I will come home and get some!,” readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, “What if your clothes get dirty?”
“Then I’ll come home and let mommy wash them,” was the reply.
The man shook his head and exclaimed, “This kid is not running away from home; he’s going off to college.”
Man and woman nude in bed together. Man reading newspaper with headline:
“Court rules same-sex couples can marry.”
Man: “It will make an absolute mockery of traditional marriage!”
Woman: “That’s just what my husband says.”
At Hebrew School, the Rabbi finished the day’s lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.
“Rabbi?” asked little Melvin “there’s something I need to know.”
“What’s that my child?” asked the Rabbi.
“Well, according to the Scriptures, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?”
“Right.”
“And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?”
“Uh … right.”
“And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?”
“Again you are correct.”
“And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?”
“All that is correct,” agreed the Rabbi. “So what’s your question?”
“What I need to know is this,” demanded Melvin. “What were all the grown-ups doing?”
Lawrence Welk had twin daughters:
Anna 1
and
Anna 2
So many of you aren’t going to get that one!
A forty-year-old hillbilly carried a younger hillbilly into the doctor’s office, deposited him on the examining table, and said, “See if you can patch him up soon. I shot up his rear end like it was a tail on a possum.
“Don’t hurt him none, ’cause he’s my son-in-law.”
The doctor said, “Why would you shoot your son-in-law?”
The hillbilly said, “He warn’t my son-in-law when I shot him!”
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through each day, so he prayed:
“Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies”. God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home… picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.
He drove to the electricity company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog.
By then it was already 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home, which he had to sort out in a gentle ‘motherly’ fashion.
He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and was able to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing.
By then it was 4:30 pm, so he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for salads. He prepared the chops and fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time for an early dinner.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and although his chores weren’t finished for the day, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaining.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
“Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, O please, let us trade back!”
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, “My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You’ll just have to wait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last night!
And that’s it for today my friends. I hope you get as much fun out of this as I did. Until Monday. May you have a happy and fun weekend. May God Bless you and yours.
Dragon Laffs 