Dragon Laffs #2135

Now there is a header that goes WAY back.  It’s header #4, which means it is one that I saved in 2011.  So, it’s now 12 years old.  

Sigh…

The good old days.

Anyway, here it is, Thursday night and I’m starting to put this episode together for Saturday.  Like I mentioned at the close of my last one, I’ll mention at the beginning of this one, there MAY NOT be an issue on Monday because of the extra long, extra hard weekend that I have coming up this weekend.  I have an additional class on Sunday afternoon that I have to teach, which takes the couple of extra hours that I normally have that I throw together to put an issue together away from me.  My weekend hours are usually longer hours and these will be longer still.

Anyway, everything is lined up and ready to go, so what do you say we get this truck out on the highway, shall we?

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.

When they get back, his friend says to him, “So, tell me, how was it?”

“Oh, it was beautiful,” says the man. “The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we–“

His friend interrupts him. “A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?”

“Oh,” says the man, “we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday…”

“My life is awful,” the man says. “Every night, I play Trivial Pursuit with my wife, and every night she beats me.”

“Well, why don’t you just stop playing Trivial Pursuit?” the bartender asks.

“I love the game,” the man says. “I’m a genius. I never lose.”

The bartender is confused. “I thought you just said your wife beats you.”

“Yeah,” the man says, “she’s a sore loser.”

Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner had to call an electrician, a roofer, a plasterer and a carpenter.

One afternoon he returned from work early and saw a plumber’s truck in the driveway.

“Lord,” he pleaded, looking skyward, “please let my wife be having an affair.”

This guy was found outside the offices skulking around.  Once he was brought into the dungeons…or I mean, conference rooms, it was determined that he was working for some organization he was trying to start, some humor ezine called DragonChuckles… needless to say, nobody has seen him … well … nobody has seen him since we talked to him in the … what was it?  Oh yeah, the conference room.

Many years ago there was an Irish radio program where the presenters would travel around the country, stopping off at various schools and factories where they would interview some of the locals, and the broadcast would go out live. 

They ended up at a primary school in the backside of nowhere one day, and Little Johnny, a farmer’s son, was wheeled forward to say a few words live on the radio. 

‘So Little Johnny, how are you today?’ said Mr. Smoothie Presenter. 

‘Not too well at all, sir, there’s been a death in the family’ replied Little Johnny. 

‘Ah no, sure that’s terrible … who died?’ asked the presenter. 

‘It was the pony, sir … it fell down a bog hole and my father had to shoot it’, explained Little Johnny. 

‘God, that’s awful. Did your father shoot it in the hole?’ 

‘No sir … he shot it in the head’ 

Little Johnny goes to school. His first class is English, and the teacher wants the kids to say what they ate for breakfast and spell it. 

The first girl says “toast” — t o a s t. 

The second boy says “eggs” — e g g s. 

Little Johnny says “fuckin nothing” — f u c k i n g  n o t h i n g. 

The teacher stands him in the corner till lunch. 

After lunch Little Johnny is allowed to take his seat. 

The first class after lunch is geography. The teacher wants to know where the Polish border lies. 

Little Johnny shoots up his hand and says, “He’s at home on top of my mom. That’s why I got fucking nothing for breakfast!” 

Marina and Amy were sitting drinking coffee. 

Amy looked quite down and so Marina asked her what the problem was. 

Amy’s brow furrowed and she said, “Marina, that Viagra is the work of the devil. 

Now we girls can look forward to having sex with really old guys, for years and years to come. I can see it now. 

He’s screaming … 

‘Who’s your granddaddy, who’s your granddaddy? 

Oh dear, I can’t remember! What were we doing? Was I enjoying it?” 

That’s a picture of Izzy, she really does hate spiders.

I know, I can’t stand this new stuff they call music, either.

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2059

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. 

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. 

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped. 

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. 

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation! 

Last Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. 

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060. 

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. 

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. 

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. 

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba. 

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. 

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States. 

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays. 

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. 

Supreme Court rules any punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. 

A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony, 
They had simultaneous Headaches. 

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with only 5 illegitimate children. 

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060. 

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. 

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines. 

Now, send this to whomever you want and as many as you want, then, guess what….NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely nothing, except you might make someone smile or be very very scared, or pissed off. 

I Love This Country! 

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son’s house. She rang the doorbell and walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered.

“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.

“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.

“Love dress? But you’re naked!”

“My husband loves me to wear this dress,” she explained. “It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can’t get enough of me.”

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“This is my love dress” she whispered, sensually.

“Needs ironing,” he said

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night.  She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night. 

“Certainly madam,” he replied courteously. 

“Is the restaurant open still?” inquired Mary. 

“Sorry, no,” came the reply, “but room service is available all night. 

Would you care to select something from this menu?” 

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. “Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please,” said Mary. 

“Certainly, madam,” he replied. 

“And can I have breakfast in bed?” asked Mary  politely. 

The receptionist nodded and smiled. 

“In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please,” Mary mused. 

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. 

The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out.  The same guy was still on the desk. 

“Morning madam…sleep well?” 

“Yes, thank you,” Mary replied. 

“Food to your liking?” 

“Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don’t think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though….they really weren’t that nice at all,” replied Mary truthfully. 

“Oh…well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.  We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion,” said the receptionist. 

“OK, I will…thanks!”  replied Mary….who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book.  Waving, she left to continue her journey. 

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. 

“Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!” 

You all saw that coming, right?  I mean from like the very beginning, right?  RIGHT?

Little Johnny is wandering up and down the aisles of a supermarket crying his eyes out. 

“What’s the matter fella?” asked a stock boy. 

“I’ve lost my mommy!” wailed Little Johnny. 

“Don’t worry, we’ll soon find her,” soothed the stock boy. 

“Now tell me, what’s mommy like?” 

“Bourbon and men with big, hard cocks,” sobbed Little Johnny. 

A Pocket Full of Puns

  • Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
  • Just so everyone is clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
  • A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
  • I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
  • How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer. 
  • My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
  • I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it. 
  • Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
  • When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
  • Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.
  • Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
  • I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
  • I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
  • What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, they’re, their.
  • I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

We really picked a bad generation to start World War III… they can’t even fight anxiety from being called by a wrong pronoun.

This next one is a really old and REALLY FUNNY joke.  I love this one.

A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (wtf !!!)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I’m still not over the pig.) 

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. (Honey, I’m home. What the…?) 
 
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football pitch (30 minutes!! Lucky pig! )
 
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) 
 
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can’t believe that pig …quality over quantity.)
 
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) 
 
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing, yeah)
 
A cat’s urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)
 
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) 
 
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.)
 
Polar bears are left-handed. (Talk about a southpaw.)
 
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. ( Do the dolphins know about the pig?)
 
Now you’ve smiled at least once haven’t you. Hey, it’s better than most of the political crap you see!

That pig though!

TOMBSTONE SAYINGS

REST IN PEACE

COUSIN HUET

we all know

you didn’t do it

Joe from NJ says this is an oldie … I’ve never heard it before, so I guess I’m not that old.

Little Johnny walked into a police station one day and said, “I’ve got three big brothers and we all live in the same room. My eldest brother has seven cats. Another one has three dogs and the third has a goat. I want you to do something about the smell.”

“Are the any windows in your room?” asked the officer.

“Yes, of course there are!” said the boy.

“Have you tried opening them?”

“I can’t…all my pigeons would escape.”

And that’s it, and I’m late and I have to run.  May your weekend be filled with Love and Happiness.

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Dragon Laffs #2134

We are having fun now!  Yes we are!  Absolutely!  Says so right here on the label.  Guaranteed, 100%, All-American, Pure-Breed, Organic, FUN!

ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION?  We are having Eff You En — FUN!

So…anyway…Alan F. wrote to me and said: As to the question of Miss Universe and no other planets partaking, how about a world series with only one country!!!  

Well, Alan F., I know it’s not much but TECHNICALLY, the Toronto Blue Jays are from Canada and Canada is NOT the United States, so two countries, not just one. 

I know…

I KNOW…

It’s hardly MUCH of a difference, but still, it’s a technicality.  I think with the Little League World Series … with the kidlets … they actually DO draw from all over the world.  Seems like when kids from my home town of Toms River, NJ won they had to play the kids from Japan or something like that.  I’m not really much of a baseball fan, heck I’m barely a football fan (now that the Colts and the Packers are out of it, I’m not really sure who’s left in the running for the super bowl). 

{Spell check funny aside: Okay, that was funny.  I spelled super bowl first as “superbowl” and got the little red line underneath it showing it was wrong.  When I clicked on it, spell check gave me two choices as being correct.  #1 was of course “super bowl”, but #2 was “superb owl” which I thought was an excellently cool option.  The highest selection of owl.  You can choose a “good owl”, a “great owl”, an “excellent owl”, or for the very best, you can choose a “superb owl”.

Okay, enough nonsense for now, let’s get this show on the road.  And the crowd claps, cheers, and screams …

Sometimes, final wills are used to spite a partner one last time. For poet Heinrich Heine, he vowed to give all his property to his widowed wife on one condition: she needed to remarry. 

While this might sound like a romantic way to encourage your widow to move on, it was far from it. Because his wife was known to be boring and incredibly vain, Heine actually stated that if she remarried “there will be at least one man who will regret my death.”

Joe from NJ sent this one and it’s very, very good.  It’s called: The Value of Time

To realize
The value of a sister/brother
Ask someone
Who doesn’t have one.

To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.

To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.

To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.

To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.

To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother
Who has given birth to A premature baby.

To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person Who has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize
The value of one second:
Ask a person Who has survived an accident.

Time waits for no one.

Treasure every moment you have.

You will treasure it even more when
You can share it with someone special.

To realize the value of a friend or family member:

LOSE ONE.

The origin of this letter is unknown,
But it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on.

Remember….

Hold on tight to the ones you love!!!

Parachuting:

On our first day of training for a charity parachute jump, the instructor made an important point. “Start preparing for landing when you’re at 300 feet.”

One student asked, “How do you know when you’re at 300 feet?”

“A good question. At 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”

She thought about this for a moment before saying, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

Our equivalent of riding your motorcycle to work.

Football Quotes:

Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver:  “When it’s third and ten, you can have the milk drinkers; I’ll take the whiskey drinkers every time.”


Don Meredith, Dallas Cowboys Quarterback once said: “Coach Tom Landry is such a perfectionist that if he was married to Raquel Welch, he would expect her to cook.”


John Breen, Houston Oilers: “We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.”


Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to the Atlanta Falcons: “The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.”


Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon:  “Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow the whole day.”


Lou Holtz , Arkansas football coach:  “I have a lifetime contract That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.”


Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game: “I won’t know until my barber tells me on Monday.”

Instructions for Giving your Cat a Pill

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of
water down throat to wash pill down.

Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. 

Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Having had to give a pill to a cat in the past, I can attest to the truthfulness of the above.  Here’s Impish Dragon’s steps on how to give a pill to a dog.  There are two different ways.  Either one works.

First way is to wrap the pill in ANY food and toss it to the dog like any other treat and the dog will swallow it without tasting it, like any other food.

Second way is to not bother wrapping it, but just make it the second treat you throw to the dog.  Throw a regular treat first, then the pill and it will disappear without being tasted, just like the first treat.

That’s it.  Most dogs are four-legged garbage disposals and will eat ANYTHING they think is a treat.  At least that is my experience.

The Amish Powerball is up to 200 chickens and a goat.

You know, we were supposed to meet here for the tailgating party … but I don’t see any teams, any beer, nothing.  Are you sure we’ve got the right address?

Sex Education

Teacher:  Tell me the difference between a Call girl, Girlfriend, and Wife.

The whole class was silent…until Little Johnny put up his hand and answered.

Little Johnny:  Prepaid, Postpaid, and Unlimited.

I know I’m going to get through it.  I’m just tired of going through it.

Someone stole my coffee cup.  Now I have to go down to the police station and look at mugshots.

Person:  What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done?

Me:  Awfully bold of you to assume I’ve peaked.

I hate when I think I’m buying organic vegetables and when I get home I discover they’re just regular donuts.

Why would I want to be alone with my thoughts?

Have you heard some of the crap that comes out of my mouth?

Just try and imagine what’s trapped inside this head of mine…

CONSPIRACY THEORIST

The term used to discredit someone who speaks about things you can’t bear to look at, because if it were true, it would reveal a darkness in the world you’re simply not ready to accept.

Just so we’re clear, I have no problem with the LG HDTV Community.

Boy, ain’t that the

Hello and Welcome. I hope you had a good weekend.

Have you ever noticed that the first piece of luggage that comes out on the airport carousel never seems to belong to anyone???

– Erma Bombeck (1927-1996)

Yeah, I would definitely fill up the right one first.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?

A: So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills.

You ever notice why the blonde jokes are always she?  Why couldn’t the punch line have been, “So he wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills”?  Doe it work as well as “she”?  No, it really doesn’t, do it?

Tombstone:

Burlington Churchyard, Massachusetts:

Sacred to the memory of Anthony Drake,

Who died for peace and quietness sake

His wife was constantly scolding and scoffin’,

So he sought for repose in a twelve-dollar coffin.

My teacher is really giving me a tuff time” Little Johnny was telling his father.

“Handle it this way Johnny,” his father advised. “Take special care with your personal appearance and attire. Pay attention in class. And do your assignments and homework promptly.”

“I really don’t think that’ll help Dad,” Johnny sighed. “She hissed at me during study break that she’s 3 weeks overdue.”

And that’s it again my friends.  

I’ve had a couple of people tell me that they’ve not received the issues in email like they normally do.  Keep in mind that NORMALLY I send out an episode every Monday, Thursday, and Saturday and I try my very best to let you know if I’m not going to send one out or if I’m going to be absent for whatever reason.  I know how much you guys worry about me.  So, if you don’t see one when you expect to see one, it could be an email issue, which I have no control over.  (I really had NO IDEA how many of you guys out there read each episode by email, I kind of figured that everyone paid a visit to the website).  So, if you think you should have gotten one and you didn’t, go to the website and check and see if a new issue is there.  It’s really easy to remember the address cause I pay for it every year.  dragonlaffs.com or if you really want to be fancy http://dragonlaffs.com  

Every time someone has written to me to say that they are no longer getting the emails, I’ve checked the email listing and their address is right there…and that’s about as much technical know how as I know how.

Anyway, that’s it for today, Love and Happiness to you all, until we meet again on Saturday.  And I will give you a heads up, since I do have a VERY long working weekend this weekend, there may not be an issue on Monday, but we’ll see.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Dragon Laffs #2133

So, where were we?  Oh yeah.  Snow.  I AM TIRED OF IT!

I’m ready for it to warm up, this crap to melt and for it to be Spring.  51 days left.  That’s way too long from now as far as I’m concerned.  

Have I mentioned that I’m tired of the snow?

Anyway, I’d like to share a comment with you guys that was shared with me a couple of days ago.  This one touched my heart.

charcoal1951

14 hours ago

Dragon Laffs #2024

Hi, this comment is about ALL your posts! I LOVE Dragon Laffs. I’m a bit behind now because I have had a few health issues, These always make me laugh and I share a lot of them on FB and emails. I have a closed head injury so I’m limited on a lot I can do, but I’m doing excellent and have come a long way since my fall. I can’t read books anymore because my injury sometimes shows in short-term memory loss so in reading books I have to keep going back to refresh what I just read. Needless to say, very frustrating, so I finally gave it up. Yours are short and sweet so PLEASE never give up sharing. 💖

My friend,

Let me first say how sorry I am for your injury.  I cannot imagine not being able to read.  It is such a HUGE part of my life, it would be horrible to me to lose that.  I am touched and extremely humbled that Dragon Laffs is able to take a small place in your life in its place.  I hope and pray that you are healed and can recover your memory.  I urge our other campers to also offer their prayers in your recovery.

And now, please join us as we all shout …

This one is an oldie, but a real goodie…

Things that I’ve learned from my parents…

  • My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
    • “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
  • My mother taught me RELIGION.
    • “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
  • My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
    • “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
  • My father taught me LOGIC.
    • ” Because I said so, that’s why .”
  • My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
    • “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
  • My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
    • “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
  • My father taught me IRONY.
    • “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
  • My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
    • “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
  • My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
    • “Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
  • My mother taught me about STAMINA.
    • “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
  • My mother taught me about WEATHER.
    • “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
  • My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
    • “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!”
  • My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
    • “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
  • My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
    • “Stop acting like your father!”
  • My mother taught me about ENVY.
    • “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
  • My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
    • “Just wait until we get home.”
  • My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
    • “You are going to get it from your father when you get home!”
  • My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
    • “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
  • My mother taught me ESP.
    • “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
  • My father taught me HUMOR.
    • “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
  • My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
    • “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up”
  • My mother taught me GENETICS.
    • “You’re just like your father.”
  • My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
    • “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
  • My mother taught me WISDOM.
    • “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.
  • My father taught me about JUSTICE.
    • “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

Subject: Re: Subject: Exciting News: 2023 Senior Stimulus Package

IMPORTANT – Watch Your Mailbox:

Just wanted to let you know – today I received my 2023 Social Security Stimulus Package.

It contained two tomato seeds, pancake mix, two discount coupons to KFC, a ‘Biden Hope & Change’ bumper sticker, a prayer rug, a Biden speech decoder, a machine to blow smoke up my ass, and a ‘Blame it on Trump’ poster for the front yard. The directions were in Spanish.

Yours should arrive soon. Happy New Year everyone!

My granddaughter and friend

Rylee- I think I’m gonna start taking my pepper spray to work again.

Me- that sounds like a good idea.

(She’s a bagger at smiths and there’s weirdos when she collecting carts)

Rylee- will I get into trouble for spraying people?

Me- Not if it’s self defense. If you’re just spaying people it’s assault.

Rylee- No its a-pepper.

Okay, I guess I’m one of them…someone explain it to me, please.

There’s no room left on this dragon, you’ll have to wait for the next one.

WHY MEN ARE SO HONEST

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Angel appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water & he needed it to make a living.

The Angel went down into the water and reappeared with a Golden Axe. “Is this your axe?” the Angel asked. The woodcutter replied: “No.”

The Angel again went down and came up with a Silver Axe. “Is this your axe?” the Angel asked. Again, the woodcutter replied: “No.”

The Angel went down again and came up with an Iron Axe. “Is this your axe?” the Angel asked. The woodcutter replied: “Yes.”

The Angel was pleased with the man’s honesty and gave him all 3 Axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Sometime later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Angel again appeared and asked him: “Why are you crying?”

“Oh, my wife has fallen into the water!”

The Angel went down into the water and came up with Demi Moore.

“Is this your wife?” the Angel asked.

“Yes,” cried the woodcutter.

The Angel was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”

The woodcutter replied, “Oh, forgive me, It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘NO’ to Demi Moore, you would have come up with Sophia Loren. Then if I said ‘NO’ to her, you would have come up with MY WIFE. Had I then said ‘YES,’ you would have given me all 3.  I’m a poor man, and not able to take care of 3 wives, so THAT’S why I said YES to Demi.”

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason and for the benefit of others.

That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it!

WE MEN ARE TRULY HONORABLE!

90% of all electrical vehicles are still on the road today…

The other 10% made it all the way home.

Never take a pill that has more side effects than you have symptoms.

Another, more sedate part of Dragon Forest with the corporate headquarters way off in the distance.

Once there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his father. Looking at his dad’s hands, the boy says, “Papa, you do many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers.”

“Wella Tony,” Papa said, “You seea this first finger? You use a dis a one to point a to whata evea you wanna to. You see youa thumb? You usea disa for turna pages in a book, and your ringa finger, you will use whena you get a married, and your little finga, you use to picka you nose. And the middle finga, well, I’lla tella you about thata one when youa getta married.”

Little Tony was satisfied with that and time past. It was now Tony’s wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding and just before he was leaving with his bride, Tony went to have a talk with Papa.

Tony said, “Papa, many years ago you told me to use this finger to point at what I want, to turn pages with my thumb, to pick my nose with this little one, and to put my wedding ring on this one, but, Papa, what is it I do with this middle finger?”

Papa drew close to Tony and said, “Tony, tonighta you will makea mad hotta love to youa woman many times, and youa may getta tired. When thatta happens, and youa woman turns to you an wanna makea da love againa, that’s when you takea your middle finga and you poka on her head and say,. . . . ‘Go back to sleep youa silly woman!'”

Two brawny men came to my house to install some new floor covering in the kitchen. Once they had moved the cooker and refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before the job was done.

As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place.

The two men demanded $45 for this service, stating it was not in their contract.

I really had no choice but to pay them. As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked me to move my car, which was blocking their van.

I told them my fee: $45.

Little Johnny goes into a house of ill repute and asks for a girl with gonorrhea. 

The madam nodded and sent him upstairs to a room. Then she called one of her favorites for him. The girl came into the room and started to undress, when he asked, “Do you have gonorrhea?” 

“Gonorrhea? I should say not,” she replied. 

Little Johnny sent her back. The madam sent for another girl and said, “Honey, go upstairs and tell that fool you have the clap. Let’s do what we can to make him happy.” 

The girl agreed, went upstairs and when Little Johnny asked, “Do you have gonorrhea?” she smiled and said, “Of course I do.” 

“Ok,” he said, “Let’s do it.” 

After it was over and they were laying side by side the girl said, “Listen Johnny, I don’t really have gonorrhea” 

Little Johnny smiled and said, “Well, you do now.” 

TOMBSTONE

I came into this world without my consent and left in the same manner.

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, “What was Jesus’ mother’s name?”

One child answered, “Mary.”

The teacher then asked, “Who knows what Jesus’ father’s name was?”

A little kid said, “Verge.”

Confused, the teacher asked, “Where did you get that?”

The kid said, “Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n’ Mary.

MY PHILOSOPHY OF HOUSECLEANING!

I don’t do windows because …
I love birds and don’t want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

I don’t wax floors because …
I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I’ll feel terrible and they may sue me.

I don’t mind the dust bunnies because …
They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

I don’t disturb cobwebs because …
I want every creature to have a home of their own.

I don’t Spring Clean because …
I love all the seasons and don’t want the others to get jealous.

I don’t pull weeds in the garden because …
I don’t want to get in God’s way, he is an excellent designer.

I don’t put things away because …
My husband will never be able to find them again.

I don’t do gourmet meals when I entertain because …
I don’t want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

I don’t iron because …
I choose to believe them when they say “Permanent Press”.

I don’t stress much on anything because … “
A Type” personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol’ woman!!!!

Men, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. Good girls out there, please forward this message to your guy friends. There is a new drug that is in liquid form.

The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to induce their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking news is the drug is available virtually anywhere!

It goes by the street name “Beer.”

All girls have to do is buy a “Beer” or two for almost any guy and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered literally helpless against such tactics.

RemasterDirector_5122f8b34

The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?” 

“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison. 

And then they made love for the first time. 

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. 

Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.” 

Turning on his side, he smiles. “Then we will have to re-imprison him.” 

After the second time they spent, they guy reaches for his cigarettes But the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!” 

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. 

She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.” 

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, “Hey, it’s not a life sentence!” 

On my recent trip to a Butlins holiday camp in England, I was surprised to see Fire notice in the chalet which read.  “In case of Fire leave your chalet and arouse the person next door”.  Now I agree to this arousal thing in theory but I’d like to make one or two comment’s. 

It’s OK if the person next door is female and good looking I’d really enjoy trying to arouse her, what if the person next door was a bloke. I’m a straight guy and no way would you catch me trying to arouse a bloke.

What if you don’t fancy the girl or woman next door you wouldn’t put your full dexterity into arousing them would you. 

What if there’s more than one of them, I’m not nineteen anymore and the thought of me trying to arouse more than one woman at a time is a bit beyond my libido these days.

What if she didn’t fancy a fat married bloke like me she could get a bit upset as I rummaged through her nightclothes seeking out her erogenous zones couldn’t she.

What if she was already with some guy he might not like the idea of you bursting in and trying to arouse his bit of pussy, he may even take offence and knock shit out of you.

What if she was unclean or a bit smelly  I wouldn’t fancy doing a 69 with that sort would you.

What if she is nice and you get her aroused by playing with her little man in his boat what are you supposed to do then, I’ll tell you the fire notice goes on to say.

Having aroused the person next door leave the room and assemble by the outdoor pool.

Now this is the part Butlins have got wrong if they think I’m going to spend my time arousing a woman just to assemble by the pool with the other guests I presume in order to go synchronized swimming they can think again.

Butlin’s must realize that in my efforts to arouse the woman I would become quite aroused myself and to plunge that arousal in to cold water would be a criminal waste at my time of life. 

So, I’ve come up with a better idea, let’s all assemble by the bouncy castle instead and carry on where we left off, even I could do pretty good on a bouncy castle I bet.  Have a nice Holiday 

Did you smell something burning? 

And that’s it my friends.  I hope you have had a wonderful weekend and I hope your days have been filled with God’s Blessings.

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Dragon Laffs #2132

And it’s Friday, getting ready to send this out for Saturday and it’s been a snowy week here in Indiana.  Snow, snow and more snow and this dragon is sick and tired of it!  I’m ready for spring!  Well, … just 53 more days!

Fifty-three more days!

Seems like forever!

Hey, before we get started, I want to share a comment from Leah real quick:

Leah D

6 days ago

Dragon Laffs #2129

All the pictures you posted of dragon furniture are a nightmare to me . . . my mind is horrified by the difficulty of scrubbing and polishing!

Leah, you aren’t looking at it the right way.  See, you don’t have to worry about scrubbing and polishing.  When you aren’t looking, all the dragon furniture comes to life and cleans itself.  That’s why when you come back in the room later, sometimes it’s in a slightly different spot then when you left.  NOW think about sleeping in that Dragon Bed at night!

Written from Central Spain, August 1812 Gentlemen, Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters.

We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty’s Government holds me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.

Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted for in one infantry battalion’s petty cash and there has been a hideous confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.

This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty’s Government so that I may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:

1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance.

2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.

Your most obedient servant,

Wellington

What’s the difference between men and horny alley cats? 

Men are taller. 

Little Johnny and Willy were twins, and for their 13th birthday, Willy got a bicycle while Little Johnny got a little portable radio. 

Willy hopped up on his bike and went to town. 

On the way he sees the Gerald’s house on fire, firetrucks, the whole bit. 

He spins around and peddles as fast as he could back home. 

“Little Johnny! Little Johnny! Guess what? I saw a fire at old man Gerald’s! There was fire engines! Firemen! and EVERYTHING!!!” 

Little Johnny looks up and says, “Yeah, I know, I heard about it 10 minutes ago on the news on my radio.” 

Willy scowls and jealously mutters, “You and your fuckin’ radio!” and storms off, to go riding again. 

In town he sees just about the most exciting thing ever! Police, sirens, and all kinds of excitement, because the local bank had been robbed. 

He races home as fast as he can, starts hollering before he’s even completely in the door, 

“Little Johnny! Little Johnny! Guess what?” 

Little Johnny dryly interrupts with, “The bank was robbed?” 

Willy scowls and storms off, muttering, “You and your fuckn’ radio!” 

Well, this time he pedals clear through town, and out into the countryside on the other side. 

A few miles up the road he sees a poor little pig with its head stuck in a fence. 

He grins, parks the bike, climbs down the bank, pulls his pants down and gives it to the porker. 

Then he races as fast as he could all the way home… “Little Johnny! 

Little Johnny! Guess what? I just had my first sexual experience!” 

Little Johnny looks up, dismisses Willy with a wave, “Bah! In a pig’s ass you did!” 

“You and your fuckin’ radio!” mutters Willy, as he cycles off. 

“Okay brothers, let’s ride!”  This is our version of a motorcycle club.

Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart. 

“I suppose you’re going to tell me now that you’re waiting for ‘Mr. Right’,” he said dejectedly. 

“That’s a silly old romantic notion,” laughed the coed. “I’m just waiting for Mr. Big.” 

“My, but you look different today Claudia.” commented Reneto, her co-worker.

“Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look. What did you use — special curlers and some dramatic eye make-up ?”

“No !” replied Claudia. “My damn vibrator shorted out this morning.”

Ping Pong is the only sport named after the way it sounds

Do you suffer from depression?  Depressex may be able to help.  Side effects may include, turning into a demon, suicide, …

Yogurt does nothing.
Creamy nonsense.
You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference?
Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

One day the church’s pastor noticed a young boy staring at a plaque in the rear of the church. It contained mostly men’s names. The pastor went up to him and said “These are church members who died in the service”.

The boy looked up at him and asked: “In the 9:30 or the 11?”

Absolutely adorable!

One of the advantages of bowling over golf is that you never lose your ball. 

People always say, “He died penniless,” as if it’s a terrible thing. 

I don’t know, it sounds like good timing to me. 

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and –WHACK!!– he knocks him off the bar stool and says, “That was a karate chop from Korea.” 

The little guy thinks “GEEZ” but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden — WHACK– the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, “That was a judo chop from Japan.” 

So the little guy has had enough of this so he leaves and is gone for an hour or so and when he comes back –WHACK!!!”– He knocks the big dude off his stool and out cold!!! 

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, “When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears.” 

Martha’s Helpful Hints 

Martha’s Hint: Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. 

Reality: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don’t do it. 

Martha’s Hint: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it. 

Reality: Brown sugar is supposed to be “soft”? 

Martha’s Hint: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn’s natural sweetness. 

Reality: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can. 

Martha’s Hint: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away. 

Reality: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn’t fresh. 

Martha’s Hint: Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. 

Reality: Leftover wine? 

Martha’s Hint: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. 

Reality: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway. 

Martha’s Hint: Use a meat baster to “squeeze” your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you’ll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time. 

Reality: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag. 

Martha’s Hint: To keep potatoes from budding, Place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. 

Reality: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year. 

Martha’s Hint: To prevent eggshells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling. 

Reality: Who cares if they crack, aren’t you going to take the shells off anyway? 

Martha’s Hint: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing. 

Reality: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs. 

Martha’s Hint: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won’t be any stains. 

Reality: Feed your garbage disposal and there won’t be any leftovers. 

Martha’s Hint: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake. 

Reality: Go to the bakery. They’ll even decorate it for you. 

A Santa Fe, TX minister said it best, “We have created a culture that does not value life, that does not honor God, that does not respect authority.  We are reaping the consequences of those actions, and that’s not going to be reversed by a security guard or a metal detector.”  “The long-term goal is to change hearts.”  “We’re allowing the culture to raise our kids.”

I’m so old, I can remember when people treated being on unemployment as an embarrassing secret, not a life goal.

One day, John Smith decided to go to a new golf course where no one knew him, just to get away and see if he could do better elsewhere. 

He hired a caddy to guide him around the course. After another day of slices, duff shots, misread putts and bad temper, he was obviously upset. 

He turned to the caddy and said, “You know I must be the worst golfer in the world.” 

The caddy replied, “I think not sir, I have heard there is a guy named John Smith from across town who is the worst player ever!” 

Office Inspirational Posters 

– 
If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. 
– 
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. 
– 
Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent. 
– 
If you think we’re a bad firm, you should see our rivals! 
– 
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings – they did it by killing all those who opposed them. 
– 
A person who smiles in the face of adversity… probably has a scapegoat.
– 
ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE….. We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members! 
– 
2 days without a Human Rights Violation! 
– 
If at first you don’t succeed – try management. 
– 
It’s only unethical if you get caught. 
– 
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. Never quit until you have another job. 
– 
Work harder slaves! 
The beatings will continue until morale improves. 
– 
If you can read this, you’re not working! 
– 
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away! 
– 
Go the extra mile – It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
– 
Pride, Commitment, Teamwork: words we use to get you to work for free.
– 
Succeed in spite of management. 
– 
Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore. 
– 
There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don’t work here anymore. 

This one is just called Rules

1. Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 Lite year
8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
11. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 horsepower
12. Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line
13. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
14. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
15. 1000 cc’s of wet socks = 1 literhosen
16. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms

And that my friends is it for this Saturday.  I certainly hope you had as much fun reading as I had writing.  May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

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Dragon Laffs #2131

Well, it’s been a very full week and if it wasn’t for the fact that we have a snow day today and the base is closed, you probably wouldn’t be getting an issue on Thursday at all.  Today, being Wednesday.  They closed the base as we’re in the midst of getting about 8 inches of snow.  The snow is coming down pretty heavy right now, about an inch an hour.  And it’s supposed to keep going until about 8 pm tonight.

Anyway, it’s going to be close as it is, so let’s get to the laughter.

A Blonde frantically calls the fire department to report a fire in the neighbourhood.

The dispatcher asks, “Well, lady how do we get there?”

Confused she replies, “Don’t you still have those little red fire engines?”

Marriage One Liners…..

Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earning his salt that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one, but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough “horse sense” to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.

On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past…but never the present.

A foolish husband remarks to his wife: “Honey, you stick to the washing, ironing, cooking, and scrubbing. No wife of mine is going to work.

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.

Many girls like to marry a military man–he can cook, sew, make a bed, and is in good health…and he’s already used to taking orders.

A fellow is feeling a little frisky, but true to his wife, goes home.

He finds her sound asleep in the bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.

She starts to choke, but recovers and asks, “What did you put in my mouth?”

He says, “Two aspirin.”

She replies, “BUT I DON’T HAVE A HEADACHE!”

He says, “That’s all I wanted to hear…”

Only the best for our security teams.

My son Mark was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn’t return home again until the February break.

When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked.

Measuring him at home, I discovered he now stood at 5 feet, 10¹/² inches.

My son was as surprised as I. “Couldn’t you tell by your clothes that you’d grown?” I asked him.

“Since I’ve been doing my own laundry,” he replied, “I just figured everything had shrunk.”

Four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to Oz. After frightening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard. 

“WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?” 

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: “I had a terrible time with Iran, so I’ve come for some courage.” 

“No problem,” says the Wizard. “WHO IS NEXT?” 

Ronald Reagan steps forward and says, “Well… Well… Well… I need a brain.” 

“Done,” says the Wizard. “WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD?” 

Up steps George Bush sadly: “I’m told by the American people that I need a heart.” 

“I’ve heard that it’s true,” says the Wizard. “Consider it done.” 

Then there is a great silence. 

Bill Clinton just stands there, looking around, but doesn’t say a word. 

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?” 

“Is Dorothy around?” 

Little Johnny’s mother decided to tell him all about making babies, so she had “the talk” with him. 

Afterwards Little Johnny just sat there silently for awhile. 

“Do you understand?” his mother asked. 

“Yes,” replied Little Johnny. 

“Do you have any questions?” asked his Mother. 

“Yes, how about little kittens and puppies?” asked Little Johnny. 

“In exactly the same way as with babies”, answered his Mom. 

“Wow!” Little Johnny exclaimed. “My daddy will fuck ANYTHING!” 

Our over watch sharpshooter is WAY over watch!

A pastor giving a children’s sermon on vestments asked, “Why do think I wear this collar?”
One kid answered, “Because it kills fleas and ticks for 30 days?”

Picture taken from the same place at the same time each month for a year.

A new pastor was visiting his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. He took out a business card, wrote “Revelation 3:20” on the back of it and stuck it in the door. 

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, “Genesis 3:10.”

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 reads: “Behold, I stand at the door and knock.”
Genesis 3:10 reads: “I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.”

There was this little grey mouse that worked in a factory pulling wires through conduits and every evening after work he would stop in at the neighborhood bar for a beer or two before going home.

He was unmarried and well liked by the bartender, he always cashed his paycheck on Friday night and had more than two beers.

This particular Friday night the mouse was setting at the bar having a beer and this strikingly beautiful long necked lady giraffe comes in and takes a seat at the end of the bar.

The mouse looks her over and she is checking out the mouse. The mouse told the bartender to give her a drink and soon they are seated together.

The bar fills up and the bartender loses track of them.

The bartender can’t wait to hear how it went with the mouse and giraffe, but on Monday the mouse don’t show, nor on Tuesday or Wednesday, but on Thursday he comes in, his fur all roughed up, his eyes bloodshot, and his tail just dragging the floor.

He climbs up on a stool, orders a beer and as the bartender set it down, the bartender asks how it went, and why are you looking like you were run over by a Mack truck?

The mouse answers, it was just wonderful.

The bartender says what caused you to look so bad, the mouse said “between the kissing and the loving, I’ve run 900 miles.”

closeup detail of old light beige paper texture background, use for backdrop or design element

Once upon a time, in Colorado, the chief of an Indian tribe, I believe it was the Navajos, had a very beautiful daughter. And she was of marrying age. And many, many braves were wanting the daughter’s hand in marriage.

Well, being a wise chief, he decided that he wanted his daughter to marry the bravest and strongest and wisest brave of the bunch. So he held a contest. All the eligible bachelors were to go hunting and the brave that brought back the biggest and best catch would be given the chief’s daughter in marriage.

A lot of braves turned out for this event. On Monday morning they all set out, bows and arrows in hand. Well, on Tuesday afternoon, all the braves had brought their killings in except for three: Running Bear,Sitting Bull, and Falling Rock.

On Wednesday morning, Running Bear brought in a really big black bear,weighing 480 pounds and 7 foot in length. The chief was quite impressed. This was the best killing of all so far. But, of course,they had to wait for the remaining two before he could award his daughter to Running Bear.

Well, on Wednesday night, Sitting Bull brought back a really, really big cougar, even bigger than the black bear that Running Bear had come home with. The cougar weighed 620 pounds and was 7 1/2 feet long. Clearly,Sitting Bull was about to win the chief’s daughter’s hand in marriage. Excitement rose within the camp. Everyone was pretty sure that Falling Rock couldn’t top Sitting Bull’s catch!

Thursday came and went ….. Friday came and went ….. Saturday came and went ….. The weeks turned into months and the months into years,and still Falling Rock did not return.

It was obvious, the chief couldn’t wait forever for Falling Rock to return. So he granted his daughter to Sitting Bull and they lived happily ever after, and the tribe no longer waited for the wayward brave, but they did keep their eyes open when out on the trails. And even today you will still see in Colorado those signs that say, “Watch for Falling Rock.”

My mom got mad at my dad the other day and went shopping to relieve her irritation…

When she returned home she informed him that she had purchased ten new dresses…

“Ten!” he hollered, “What could any woman want with ten new dresses??”

My mom calmly replied, “Ten new pairs of shoes.”

There’s a new health study that was just completed that claims having sex decreases your chances of getting a cold.

The more sex you have, the less chance you’ll have of catching a cold.

Can you just picture how it’s gonna be in office’s across the country this winter, every time a woman sneezes there’ll be some guy saying, “Hey, I got something for that.”

My 17 year old daughter, Steph who had just received her provisional diving licence offered to drive us to church. 

After a wild ride, we finally reached our destination. 

Steph’s mother got out of the car and said, “Thank you.” 

“Anytime,” Steph replied. 

As my wife slammed the door, she said, “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to God.” 

If you want to impress me, don’t send me nude pics, send me pics of your garden so I know we’re still gonna eat when all this stuff starts really hitting the fan…

Don’t trust or take medical advice from anyone who would LEAVE YOUR ASS IN AFGHANISTAN!!!

The National Oil Reserve is for emergency use only, not for leadership incompetence!

If BLM expects reparations for what happened 200 years ago, why aren’t they offering to pay for what they broke, burned down and destroyed over the last 3 years?

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?

Wave to her.

Boy, ain’t that the…

Tombstone:

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle
Went out of tune.

A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped.

The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate.

A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn’t stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully.

The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs’ togetherness, which included one part sodium.

It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.

That’s me…old as dirt.

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.

“OK,” the judge said, “Tell the court why you want a divorce.”

“Well, your honour,” Dan started, “Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I’d end up making love to her by mistake.”

“Surely there must be some difference between the two women,” the judge said.

“You’d better believe there is a difference, your honour. That’s why I want the divorce.” He replied.

And that’s it my friends.  May your days be blessed by God and filled with Love and Happiness.

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