And here we are again, my friends. I’m starting this one on Sunday, after church, while watching the Colts play the Texans.  Right now, the Colts are winning, but both teams are 0-2, so there’s that.  A LOT of bad calls in the game, but that’s just my opinion.

Great sermon at church today. Pastor finished up a series on good news/bad news. Looking forward to hearing what he has to start next week.  The man is definitely Spirit led.

Well, let’s get on with some laughter and we can see where we lead from there.

A true national hero!

No, I don’t wonder about that, either…not anymore.

Sounds like today, doesn’t it! Here’s a surprise for you. Charles Spurgeon died almost 135 years ago. Things haven’t changed much, have they?

And just as an aside, it’s the start of the fourth quarter and the Colts are ahead 16-7.

NASA engineers built a high-powered air cannon designed to launch four-pound dead chickens at airliner windshields, simulating bird strikes at maximum velocity to test glass strength.

British rail engineers heard about the device and borrowed it to test the windshields on their new high-speed trains.

On test day, they loaded the cannon, pointed it at the train’s reinforced, shatterproof windshield, and pulled the trigger.

The chicken shot out of the barrel, pulverized the windshield, smashed through the driver’s console, snapped the engineer’s seat in half, and embedded itself three inches deep into the back wall of the cabin.

 

Horrified, the British team sent NASA the telemetry data, high-speed footage, and detailed blueprints of their train, begging the American scientists for advice on how to improve their design.

NASA sent back a three-word response:

“Thaw the chicken.”

Actually, the original chicken gun fired a live chicken at an aircraft canopy.  True story.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

W. C. Fields (1880 – 1946)

Massachusetts  Laws

At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches.

Signs

Warning Label: On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.  

Hummels – Largest Selection Ever “If It’s In Stock, We Have It!” 

Warning Label: On a cardboard wind-shield sun shade: “Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place” 

In a New York drug store: “We dispense with accuracy.” 

Georgia Peaches- California Grown – 89 Cents Lb. 

In the offices of a loan company: “Ask about our plans for owning  your home.” 

At a number of military bases: “Restricted to unauthorised personnel.”  

Warning Label: On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. 

Wanted: Success-oriented people to drive cement trucks-Only individuals with concrete plans for the future need apply.

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a bar room disturbance. 

The “disturbance” turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What’s more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and the “Heavy Weight Boxing Champion of the World.”

Said the policeman, “I’ll bet that you’re also an escape artist too, probably better than Houdini.”

The giant nodded.

“If I had some chains,” the deputy continued, “you could show us how strong you really are. 

But all I’ve got is a set of handcuffs. Why don’t you see just how quickly you can break out of them?” 

Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.

“I can’t get out of these,” the giant growled.

“Are you sure?” the deputy asked.

The fellow tried again. “Nope,” he replied. “I can’t do it.” 

“In that case,” said the deputy, “you’re under arrest.” 

A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. 

He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. 

None could be found. 

Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. 

He successfully raised a number of them and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. 

The young man replied, “I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have a hutch back of Notre Dame.” 

“Oh Sarah, I just heard the news” said Esther to her blonde friend. 

“You poor dear. Your husband Morris drowned. At least he left you ten million dollars.

It’s amazing that he made so much money, yet he couldn’t even read or write.” 

Sarah smiled, “Yeah, thank God he couldn’t swim either.” 

The women in front of them are really taking their time and are slowing the men down.

So one man says to his friend, “I’m gonna go ask those ladies if we can play through.” 

He starts walking toward them, but about halfway there, he turns around.

When he gets back, his friend asks what happened.

He replies, “One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress. 

Why don’t you go talk to them?”

So the second man starts to walk over. 

He gets halfway there and turns around.

When he gets back, his friend asks, “Now what happened?”

To this he replies, “It’s a small world.”

And that’s it for today my friends. May your day be filled with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

It’s the weekend.

Holly and I are going to the movie this afternoon to see the new Daniel and the Fiery Furnace movie. I’ll give you a review later.

So I’m spending the morning with you guys, I just mowed the lawn. I’m afraid I cut the grass a little too early, it was still a bit wet from the morning dew. Made a bit of a mess. It’ll be alright. I’m not one of those guys who agonizes over my lawn. “Is the city gonna get angry and send nasty letters? No? Then we’re good. I got more important things to do.”

Like spend time with you guys!

What the ever-lovin’ heck?! I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that at some point in time, alcohol was involved.

No! In fact, HELL NO!

In a recent survey, 60 percent of respondents said the cities where they live is noisier now than they were five years ago. 

The other 40 percent didn’t hear the question.

I agree 100% with Stephanie, who sent in this picture: I need to  know the story behind this sign!

CORRECTION:  Nothing can prevent dragon fire…just sayin’.

Not everyone will get that one.

Michigan Law

A woman isn’t allowed to cut her own hair without her husband’s permission. 

Hmm, sounds a lot like Sharia Law.

How old are you? Who remembers this?

Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. 

Here are a few examples:

– The future of “I give” is “I take.”

– The parts of speech are lungs and air.

– The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

– A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

– Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

– The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

– The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

– We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

– One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

– A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.

– The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

– Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

– Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

– In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

There once was a rich man who was near death. 

He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. 

So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. 

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you,” 

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. 

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. 

The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. 

Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. 

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter, seeing the suitcase, says, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!” 

But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. 

Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.” 

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, “You brought pavement?!?!?!” 

In school one day, a teacher asked my six-year-old nephew why his handwriting wasn’t as neat as usual. 

He explained, “I’m trying out a new font.”

Sandra car was unreliable and she called Michael for a ride every time it broke down. 

One day Michael got yet another one of those calls.

“What happened this time?” he asked.

“My brakes went out,” Sandra said. “Can you come to get me?” 

“Where are you?” Michael asked.

“I’m in the drugstore,” Sandra responded.

“And where’s the car?” Michael asked.

“It’s in the drugstore too”. 

And that is that!

The movie was really good. I didn’t find any real Biblical mistakes although there was a bit of license taken to make the story flow. It works really well and was really well done. 

They put us in this little bitty 18 seat theater because Daniel was the lowest grossing movie out of all the movies that were showing and I thought, great, we’re going to have to fight for a seat and maybe not get to sit together. Until just as the movie started we were the only two people in the little theater and then two women walked in who weren’t together and sat down. So there were four of us all together. 

But! This little theater had REALLY comfortable seats. Leather, cushioned and they rocked a little. It was nice. But, I was highly disappointed that the movie wasn’t more heavily attended. But, it was 2:30 on a Saturday afternoon, so there’s that.

Anyway, worth seeing guys, if you get a chance. Love and happiness to you all. Until next time.

It’s late on Friday and I’m just getting this started. I’ve got a gazillion emails to get to and I’m way behind. This one may not be as long as normal.

But, on the flip side, I just started a load of laundry and have to stay up to take care of that. I’m not working tomorrow, so there’s that, but I do have to get up and mow. Then Holly and I are going to the movies.

Boy, this having a girlfriend sure takes up an awful lot of time.

Anyway, let’s get to it.

The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Jennifer’s excitement, not even her parents’ nasty divorce. 

Her mother Sheila finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride EVER! 

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new VERY young stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress. 

She asked Barbie to exchange the dress, but Barbie refused, “Absolutely not! I’m going to wear this dress; I’ll look like a million in it!” 

Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied, “Never mind dear. I’ll get another dress, after all it’s YOUR special day, not hers.” 

Two weeks later another dress was finally found. 

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, “What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don’t have any place to wear it.” 

Sheila grinned and replied, “Of course, I do, dear. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner! 

Recently some archeologists in England dug 200 meters underground and found old copper and wires. British scientists concluded that 2000 years ago their ancestors were using telephones. 

Archeologists in France dug 300 meters underground and found similar material. French scientists concluded that 3000 years ago their ancestors were using high-tech telecommunications systems. 

Archeologists in Egypt dug 500 meters in the desert under the Pyramids of Giza, and found nothing. Egyptian scientists concluded that 5000 years ago their ancestors were already using mobile phones. 

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe. 

– H. G. Wells (1866-1946

That’s it. Almost a full issue. Until next time my dear friends. My love to you all.

It’s Monday. And I’ve got a little time to spend with you guys so I want and need a little fun time! 

I need to take some time off.

Truly I do.

I just had the weekend off and it just blurted by like an afternoon. Not even like an afternoon, more like a long lunch.

I need some REAL time off. I need to friggin’ retire. It can’t happen soon enough.

But, I’m not going to go on about it.  Instead…

I laughed so hard at this one. There have been so many captions to this picture, but this one is by far the very best.

One of the best signs in a gun shop I’ve ever seen.

You mean, kind of like right now?  If you can’t see the beginning “birth pangs” you aren’t paying attention.

There is no such thing in anyone’s life as an unimportant day.

Alexander Humphreys Woollcott (1887 – 1943)

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.

-Lao-Tzu (Traditionaly the 6th century BC.)

Probably a bad idea, but we did it anyway.

Absolutely THE BEST!!!

Illinois, Des Plaines Law

Wheelbarrows with For-Sale signs may not be chained to trees.

On the first day of the school term the shop teacher was surprised to see a rather proper-looking young lady sitting in the front row of his classroom. Her name was Emily and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodwork class. 

The bemused teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the right class. Emily assured him that she was. 

The teacher, still somewhat puzzled, added, “This course may be a bit out of your league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools?” 

“What exactly do you mean?” Emily asked. 

“Well, for example, do you know the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?” the teacher expounded. 

After pondering for a moment, Emily admitted, “I can’t really say, since I’ve never been ‘bolted’ before.” 

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her — how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. 
 
When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. 
 
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She s aid, “I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.” The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river. 
 
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right.” And while the son tried his best (seven times), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. 
 
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. “I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.” The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?” 
 
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?” And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, “Why not THIRTY times in a row?” Finally, she said, “Enough Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.” Then the young son asked, “Wait, how do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?” 

I’ll admit that I didn’t see that one coming.

Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother. 

-Kenneth Arthur Dodd OBE (1927 -2018 )

Alright, I’ll say it…You’re doing that wrong.

That’s it my friends. The conclusion of another great episode. Until next time, may God bless us all with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

Well, our SAPC (Substance Abuse Prevention Council) annual event today was a bit of a bust because of weather.

But, that has allowed me to spend some time with you guys while I wait for Holly to finish babysitting her grands.

So, let’s make the most of our time together and…

Yeah…um…that’s just wrong.

This next one is from Lynn that she sends with a heavy heart…

I am selling all of my many hobby items as I no longer have the desire to do anything with them.

Life gets that way sometimes. Having hobbies presents a lot of work for very little recognition. I am extremely tired….. exhausted actually.

Please don’t ask any questions. I can’t handle talking about it anymore!

Only serious inquiries, please……

Below is the list of items that I have available.

1. Broom and dustpan

2. Sponges

3. Dusters

4. Mop & Bucket

5. Window Cleaner

6. Vacuum

7. Soap (laundry, dish, you name it)

8. Fabric softener

9. Bin bags

10. Toilet brush

Please respond if interested.

Everyone needs a little humor in their lives!

Did you know most problems in midlife can be solved with water…

Headache? Drink Water
Want better skin? Drink Water
Constipated? Drink Water
Someone annoying you? Drown them

Four beer company CEOs walk into a bar.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The other three look at him and ask, “Why did you order a Coke?”

The CEO of Guinness replied, “Well, I figured if you three weren’t ordering beer, it would be rude if I did.”

Happiness: a good bank account, a good cook and a good digestion. 

Jean Jacques Rousseau (1712 – 1778)

That’s it for this one my friends. I hope you enjoyed spending time with me as much as I enjoyed spending time with you. Until next time. My love to you all.