So, it’s Thursday and I left work early ’cause I’m sick. My head feels like it’s ready to explode it’s so full of stuff. I can’t stop sneezing.  Thankfully, it’s in my head and not in my chest, but I feel miserable. I stopped and got some medicine, not that I expect it will do any good, but who knows.

I’m hoping that Izzy can find a ride home, but if not,  I’ll have to go out and get her, but that’s okay. I’ve felt worse. Okay, so I just texted Izzy and I’ll have to pick her up, so let’s see what I can get done before I have to leave.

Well, by the looks of things, your expiration date is not mandatory information.

Does anyone even know what that means anymore?

Got an important Notice from Lynn:

My goal is to get in and out as quickly as possible. I could walk past my own family members and never notice them 

That reminds me so much of Izzy. When she gets excited about something she’ll say to me, “Bro, you … ____” Whatever. And I will say to her, “Hey, I’m not your Bro.” So the other day she started down the same path but remembered what I said and started out with, “Girl, you really … ___” 

I laughed so hard. What’s wrong with “Dad”? She does call me Dad, but it comes out like Dayad. She’s such a weird kid. I love her to death.

A Dog’s Diary

7:30am: Invaders! The people who live next door came out into their yard, obviously getting ready to lay siege to our house. Snarling and barking, I let them know in no uncertain terms that I was prepared to tear them from limb to limb if they came any closer, and was able to repel the invasion. This is an almost daily occurrence; you’d think they’d learn. My master added his voice to the fray as well, yelling angrily. I am sure the people couldn’t hear him, but it was nice of him to lend his support.

10:00am: I was forced to move, as the patch of sun in which I was lying had, for some reason, slid over a few feet. It’s not easy being a dog.

1:00pm: I have the most thoughtful master in the world! While it’s true he left me alone in the house for several hours, he did set out a treat for me on the kitchen counter. It was even gift-wrapped, a courtesy I wish he’d skipped, since it led to me having a lot of plastic in my teeth. The roast was delicious, though frozen in the center. I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but crunching through two inches of rock-hard beef is hardly my idea of a delicacy.

2:00pm: Most unpleasant experience was when my master returned home and was furious that I had not eaten the plastic wrap which had been covering my present. He kept pointing at the small pieces of Styrofoam and other debris and raving in a most irrational fashion.. I’m sorry, but he should know that I can’t eat that stuff; it makes my stomach upset. When he began rolling up a newspaper I realized he’d lost all reason and bolted for the front door, which was fortunately open just a crack.

4:00pm: Spent the afternoon with the girls. A most productive day; I was able to mark territory for two blocks. “Drip ’til you drop” is our motto. We had a small snack at an outdoor cafe we like, with meat scraps and bread served out of circular containers with easily displaced lids. Ran into that rogue Sebastian, who lifted his leg with irritating nonchalance — does he think I don’t know about his obsession with Muffy, that snotty schnauzer from down the road? Last month there wasn’t a male in the neighborhood who couldn’t be found outside her fence, and Sebastian was at the head of the pack. I let him know I want nothing more to do with him.

5:00pm: What a treat! On the way home a flock of ravens drew my attention to a squirrel that had been flattened by an automobile. After several days in the sun, the aroma was so delicious it made my nose quiver. I rolled in the wondrous fragrance for several minutes, and when I stood up I positively radiated eau de roadkill. Let Sebastian drool over Muffy — he doesn’t know what he’s missing.

6:00pm: Of all the times to get a bath! My master, still in a foul mood, made me stand outside in the chill air while he shampooed and rinsed me several times. Every time I shook the water from my fur he, too, became drenched, and in the end he was shivering. Why in the world does he do stuff like this?

If Zombies attack, go to Costco. There’s cement walls, years worth of food and tons of supplies, plus Zombies can’t get in without a membership.

I got caught up in a really good book last night.

I didn’t stop coloring until 2 a.m. this morning.

I sit in the driveway with the heater running, drinking coffee, smoking a cigar and reading a book until the the windshield clears itself. Why should I stand out in the cold?

Perspective is everything…

Hmmm…I found a strange piece of plastic on the floor that looks like it broke  off of something, but I have no idea what. Better save it in the junk drawer until I die.

Researchers confirm that during childbirth, women feel almost the same amount of pain a man feels when he’s stuck walking behind a slow person.

I personally think it’s hilarious when people become rich by writing “anti-capitalist” books and selling “anti-capitalist” merchandise. 

I thought the word “Caesarean” started with the letter S.

But when I  looked it up in the dictionary, it was in the C section.

That’s it my friends.

Turns out, Izzy got a ride home, so I got to sit here and finish this off. Now, I can study and maybe get a little rest.

Until Monday…

As I’m sure you all know, and as comes to nobody’s surprise, an incredibly huge strike has taken place against Iran early this morning (our time) and during the daylight hours Iran time. Those of us who are in the game saw this coming from way back and most of the rest of the world saw it over the last couple of weeks.

I was off by three days in the pool. I had Tuesday. I would NOT have guessed a daylight strike, that’s shows a LOT of confidence, although it does give the civilians a better chance to take cover. 

From what I can see, they are all military targets, even the ones that are in the cities are key military figures. Sadly, there are going to be innocent victims, that’s unavoidable.

Rumors of assassinations, and such are on the news, but it’s still very early, by the time you read this I’m sure much more will be known.  Iran is firing missiles not only at Israel, (135 at last count, 1 of which got through) but at OTHER gulf states. Which is really angering the other states. I figure they are targeting American bases, but I don’t think they are landing where they want them to.

Anyway, there may be an update later, but for now, let’s get to the reason we’re here.

Oh! Thanks for the pictures Chuck! 

And I’m not saying the picture in the header is me helping out … cause that would be breaking my non-disclosure agreement, just thought it was a cool picture.

Well, maybe not at the bottom, but further on in the ezine.

Special to all my nurse friends out there!!!

Rumored to be a picture of the human form of Impish Dragon from 17 years ago.  Not proven true.

Some really cool and unusual stuff in this next video:

Just heard that Israel is reporting that the Iranian supreme leader has been killed. Not sure that’s going to make much of a difference. This regime has functioned quite well with their leadership taken out in the past. When one rat dies, another steps up to take his place. We’ll see I guess.

Now I’m conflicted on how this guy should be charged when he gets caught.

Rumored to be yet another picture of Impish Dragon in his human form from about 17 years ago.

A mission statement is defined as “a long awkward sentence that demonstrates management’s inability to think clearly.” 
All good companies have one.
-From The Dilbert

No…no, he’s not.

T’were better that most people remember that!

I can see a pattern developing here…

How apropos. 

Iowa, Fort Madison Law

The fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire. 

So…we’re not done with Bob yet, I see …

Once upon a time, in Colorado, the chief of an Indian tribe, I believe it was the Navajos, had a very beautiful daughter.  

She was of marrying age, and many, many braves were wanting the daughter’s hand in marriage.  

Well, being a wise chief, he decided that he wanted his daughter to marry the bravest and strongest and wisest brave of the bunch.  So he held a contest.  

All the eligible bachelors were to go hunting and the brave that brought back the biggest and best catch would be given the chief’s daughter in marriage. 

A lot of braves turned out for this event.  

On Monday morning they all set out, bows and arrows in hand.  

Well, on Tuesday afternoon, all the braves had brought their killings in except for three: Running Bear,Sitting Bull, and Falling Rock. 

On Wednesday morning, Running Bear brought in a really big black bear,weighing 480 pounds and 7 foot in length.  

The chief was quite impressed.  This was the best killing of all so far.  

But, of course,they had to wait for the remaining two before he could award his daughter to Running Bear. 

Well, on Wednesday night, Sitting Bull brought back a really, really big cougar, even bigger than the black bear that Running Bear had come home with.  

The cougar weighed 620 pounds and was 7 1/2 feet long.  

Clearly,Sitting Bull was about to win the chief’s daughter’s hand in marriage. Excitement rose within the camp.  

Everyone was pretty sure that Falling Rock couldn’t top Sitting Bull’s catch! 

Thursday came and went ….. 

Friday came and went …..
Saturday came and went ….. 

The weeks turned into months and the months into years,and still Failing Rock did not return. 

It was obvious, the chief couldn’t wait forever for Falling Rock to return.  

So he granted his daughter to Sitting Bull and they lived happily ever after, and the tribe no longer waited for the wayward brave, but they did keep their eyes open when out on the trails. 

And even today you will still see in Colorado those signs that say, 

“Watch for Falling Rock.”

Ok, it’s official.  I’m getting old.

The other day I was walking back to my car from the grocery store. 

Coming into the store was this smoking hot 19, maybe 20 year old, blonde. God, she was hot. 

My thought?  “I wonder what her mother looks like.

This one was sent in by our own Joe from NJ … aka  … well … I’ll let you make the connection

One day, Joe Landi decided to go to a new golf course where no one knew him, just to get away and see if he could do better elsewhere. 

He hired a caddy to guide him around the course. 

After another day of slices, duff shots, misread putts and bad temper, he was obviously upset. 

He turned to the caddy and said, “You know I must be the worst golfer in the world.” 

The caddy replied, “I think not sir, I have heard there is a guy named Joe Landi from across town who is the worst player ever!”

Billy Ray lines up his three young sons out behind the barn. He’s got his arms folded, jaw tight, and that look on his face that says somebody’s about to have a long afternoon.

“All right,” he says slowly, “which one of y’all pushed the outhouse over the cliff?”

The boys stare at the dirt. One studies his boots like they’ve suddenly become fascinating. Another kicks a rock. The youngest pretends he didn’t hear.

Billy Ray’s voice gets louder.

“I said, who pushed the outhouse over the cliff?”

Still nothing. Not a whisper. Just nervous shuffling and a whole lot of avoiding eye contact.

Billy Ray sighs and rubs his temples. “Fine. Let me tell y’all a story.”

The boys glance up cautiously.

“It’s about George Washington and his daddy. Now, George chopped down a cherry tree. When his daddy asked him about it, George told the truth. And because he told the truth, his daddy didn’t punish him.”

Billy Ray pauses, letting that sink in. He nods thoughtfully, like he’s just delivered the moral of the century.

“So,” he says calmly, “I’m gonna ask one more time. Who pushed the outhouse over the cliff?”

There’s a long silence.

Finally, the youngest boy raises his trembling hand. “I did, Pa. I pushed the outhouse over the cliff.”

Billy Ray’s face turns red. “All right then. You can spend the rest of the day cleaning out the stalls while the rest of us go fishing.”

The boy’s lip quivers. “But Pa… when George Washington told the truth, he didn’t get punished. Why am I gettin’ punished?”

Billy Ray takes a deep breath and shakes his head.

“Because when George Washington chopped down the cherry tree… his daddy wasn’t in it!”

Another very cool video

Oh!  I almost forgot!

I saw a pack of Gummy Worms that read, “No artificial flavor.”

Who buys gummy worms hoping they’d taste as close to real worms as possible?

So…does nobody else find it funny how both America and Europe got invaded and overwhelmed by mass illegal migration at the same exact time?

That’s not a coincidence, that doesn’t just happen, especially on a scale this large.

This was planned, funded and then executed.

But planned, funded and executed by who?

And why?

And that’s it.  Still watching the news. Another missile has struck Tel Aviv.  So far, no American or Israeli casualties.  Surprising support from all the other Arab nations and most of the rest of the world.  The UN is having an emergency session, but the UN is mostly a toothless organization at this point in time. So, until next time, my dear friends …

So, instead of scheduling that issue for Thursday, I published it instead. And you are going to get Monday’s issue tomorrow. And I won’t have time to put anything together for Thursday…. so …. 

Uggghhhh!  Sorry!

Well, today is Sunday and I know you won’t be reading this until Thursday, but with things being the way they are and the fact that I have jail on Monday, FBI on Tuesday, and jail again on Wednesday … well, that just kinda leaves me today to get this issue done or you won’t have one for Thursday.  

I just got home from church and am back on the news. Other than the fact that we’ve lost 3 American Service Members, 48 members of their leadership have been taken out, there is no news.  

So, that’s new…pro-Iran … well, let’s be honest, Anti-American protests in Pakistan and Iraq…oh, and in New York. Mamdani is an Islamic, Socialist, liar. Most of the people in New York with half an ounce of brains are starting to realize this, but look … you guys got what you voted for.  I like the Fox News Headline that’s on my other screen right now: “Mamdani’s response to Trump’s Iran strike sparks conservative backlash: ‘Rooting for the Ayatollah’.”

You can’t make this stuff up.

A N Y W A Y . . .

Let’s get to the fun stuff, shall we?  

Here’s an oldie, but goodie. 

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print.   So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had.  Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow.  Such a disappointment.  My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas.  No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again.  I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man.  I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow!  8″ last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!  The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer.  Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels.  Stocked the freezer.  The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.  I think that’s silly.  We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning.  Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt.  Hurt like hell.  The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.  Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.  Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.  Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right.  I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff last night.  More shoveling.  Took all day.  Goddamn snowplow came by twice.  Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey.  I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March.  I think they’re lying.  Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.  I think he’s lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August.  Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss.  By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel.  Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy.  I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: Only 2″ of snow today.  And it warmed up to 0.  The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.  What is she…nuts???  Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago?   She says she did but I think she’s damn well lying.

December 24: 6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel.  Thought I was having a heart attack.  If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls.  I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been!  Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight.  Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow!  Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.  The wife says I have a bad attitude.  I think she’s an idiot.   If I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to kill her.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here?  It was all HER idea.  She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to about 0.  Still snowed in.  THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave-in.  That’s the silliest thing I ever heard.  How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother.  9″ more @#$%@#% snow predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what’s left of the house.  No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good.  I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.  Why am I tied to the bed?

Definitely #8

When I discovered I was holding the Tazer the wrong way, I was stunned.

I have good problem solving skills, but my problem creating skills are where I really shine.

I exercised once, but found out I was allergic to it!

My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath.

Very dangerous!

Remember when we used to wait until 9pm to talk to people for unlimited minutes?

20 years later, we all pay for unlimited minutes and don’t call anyone.

Paper plates ain’t got nothing to do with struggling. I just don’t like washing dishes. I wish I could use paper pots, too.

I thought doggy style was kissing while eating spaghetti.

Due to the cold weather and snow, there will be NO farms closed. Each and every farmer will be out in the blistering cold and blowing wind tending their livestock. They will be praying for machinery to work, non-frozen waterers and warm healthy animals. If you know a farmer or if you ate yesterday or plan to eat again today, Thank and Pray for the farmers.

Yeah…and?

And that’s it my friends.

I’m wrapping it up and calling it an issue.

I am, once again, almost out of time to get this issue out to you for tomorrow, Saturday, so I’m going to rush to put it together. But, before I do, I have a special message.

To Chuck G., a dear old friend who I spoke to on the phone yesterday (today for me, Friday) who is a regular reader of the show. Brother, you said you sent me some old pictures that you found to the email address, but I checked all my emails and I don’t have them. Could you PLEASE resend them to impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com. I’m not sure what address you have, but whichever it is, I didn’t get them. It might be an old address that I don’t monitor anymore or don’t have access to anymore. I’m so very sorry. But I’d truly love to see those pictures.

Anyway, on to the show!

Okay … that’s a good question … and it bothers the heck out of me since I just not an hour ago finished a bacon cheese burger that was delicious. … Now I feel a little sick.

This started out as an email titled: A replacement for the blonde joke. Then it got out of hand. So, rather than break them up, here they all are:

Florida Law

It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. 

A man’s mind, stretched by a new idea, can never go back to its original dimension. 

-Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr., (1809 – 1894)

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. 

Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.” 

Bobby looked up and replied, “Well, Mrs. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.” 

Georgia, St. Mary’s Law

No spitting on the sidewalk is permitted after dark.

The Italian immigrant went to the doctor to complain that he wasn’t sure how to make his new wife pregnant. 

After struggling with language problems, the doctor simplified his advice just stick your longest thing where your wife is hairiest. 

Two months later, the Italian came back to complain that it didn’t work. 

“I’ve been sticking my nose in her armpit every night,” he said, “and nothing’s happened.”

See, there’s two ways of looking at that. In MY class, you wouldn’t be able to get IN the class if you are late. Because my class is participatory and I’m not starting over if you’re late and everyone else was on time. My class is also military, you’re EXPECTED to be on time, I don’t care who you are. I’ve chased Majors away who’ve shown up late. He wasn’t happy, in fact, he spread a rumor that I would let him in because he wasn’t early enough. That I said if you weren’t ten minutes early you were late, which wasn’t true. That is the way I feel and what I’ve said, but never held anyone to. See, in my class, it’s easy.  My class starts at 0800. Reveille plays over all the loud speakers on base at … you guessed it … 0800.  It’s REALLY EASY to know if you are late to my class or not. The Major was about ten minutes late. I also asked him what sort of example he was setting for the younger airman by showing up late. Why not just take the no-show and reschedule. He didn’t appreciate that at all. Oh well. As a civilian specialist, I don’t answer to him and I don’t care. I have a job to do and I do it…very well.

The other way of looking at it, why would the teacher ever ask, “Is that my fault.” The correct way of handling it, if you are going to let them enter late, then don’t draw attention to them, let them enter OR tell them, “You’re late, get out, reschedule.” like I do.

For all those looking for a new puppy, you may be impressed by all the new dogs available as a result of creative cross-breeding. The following breeds are now being considered for recognition by the Kennel Club 

        Collie + Lhasa Apso
        Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport. 

        Spitz + Chow Chow
        Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot. 

        Pointer + Setter
        Poinsetter, the traditional Christmas pet. 

        Great Pyrenees + Dachshund 
        Pyradachs, a puzzling breed. 

        Pekingese + Lhasa Apso
        Peekasso, an abstract dog. 

        Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel 
        Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as mountain air. 

        Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever 
        Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists. 

        Newfoundland + Basset Hound 
        Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors. 

        Terrier + Bulldog
        Terribull, not a good dog. 

        Bloodhound + Labrador
        Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly. 

        Malamute + Pointer
        Moot Point, owned by…oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway. 

        Collie + Malamute
        Commute, a dog that travels to work. 

        Deerhound + Terrier
        Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end. 

        Bull Terrier + Shitzu
        You figure this one out! 

After the first week of sex education class, a young shapely teen stormed out of the room after the class was over. 

Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend asked, “Lori, what in the world is the matter with you ?  You look as if you’re about to kill someone.” 

“I am !!!” Lori fumed. “You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis. 

All summer long, that clown had me convinced that ‘foreplay’ involved tossing a coin for position.” 

I before E

Except when your foreign neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters.

Weird.

And that’s it my friends. I’m out of time, strength and patience. I’ve got to get some sleep so I can get up and do it all over again tomorrow. Be well my dear friends and Chuck, send me those pictures! LOL!