Dragon Laffs #1550

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Campers

I hardly ever use the same header multiple times in a row, but I used this one, one more time because I forgot to tell you the story behind the picture.

This was taken by the security cameras outside my home cavern in Indiana as I was returning one afternoon and the picture was such a beautiful one that I just had to use it for Dragon Laffs.  The clouds were just perfect and it was a lovely sunny day.  I landed straight in my private lake and enjoyed the afternoon.  One of the few free moments I’ve had over the last 2 months.

 

The above was written prior to Lethal’s issue on Wednesday and I want you to know that I am alive and well, but I’m in hiding.  The wood chipper thing scared the crap out of me.  I don’t care what he says, that’s not red sap, that’s blood!  And probably dragon’s blood.  I’m 10gtrying to check on my friends and relatives, but I have to be careful because that might just be a way of trying to draw me out.

Everything sounds like a wood chipper.

I turned on my electric razor this morning and ran from the bathroom screaming because I thought someone had turned on a wood chipper.  Granted, when my beard gets bristly it needs a wood chipper or a weed eater or something, but still…I TURNED IT ON.  I need a break.  I know he’s out there.  I can hear him.

Sound of a knock at the door.

Oh, excuse me for a second.  That’s probably my breakfast.

Sound of footsteps on the floor and then a door opening.  100d (3)

Hi.  How much do I … oh hey Lethal.  You didn’t see a kid with my …..  AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!   How did you find me!?!  Not the wood chipper!!!!  NO!  NO!!!

Thud!

More sounds of footsteps across the floor.

Hi folks.  Lethal Leprechaun here.  That sound you just heard was the idiotic blue dragon passing out and hitting the floor.  You’ll notice you didn’t hear the sound of a carcass being dragged across the floor or the sound of a wood chipper or anything else starting up, right? 

But that doesn’t mean I won’t take advantage of the situation to play a prank on my best bud.  Hee, Hee, Hee!

It’s a good thing he’s got his issue complete, so …

10hWithout further ado…

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Bank robbery scenes in movies tend to be very exciting. But this attempt didn’t go as planned! These robbers fail miserably before they even get in the door. You won’t believe the simple solution that stopped them in their tracks. Watch how this bank employee was able to keep everyone safe.

Yup, it looks to me like he locked the door.  That was pretty damn quick and pretty damn smart if you ask me!

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One of my blue brothers.  Yes, he is an albino blue dragon.  You can tell by just the tiniest hint of blue under his wings.

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Does running late count as exercise?

When one door closes, sometimes you want to get a hammer and nails to make sure that bitch stays shut!

I’ve decided I’m not old…I’m 25 plus shipping and handling.

I’m tired of getting fucked in ways that don’t end in an orgasm.

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Should have sent this one to Lethal for his wiener exposé last issue.  Sadly, I just now found it, so … here’s to you Lethal!

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Man!  I just love Halloween around this place!

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Baggy the housemeow has always been a tough little cookie, but I never thought she was this degree of crazy. All is well, everything settled, and her & Noey (the lion) are back on speaking terms.

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Ahhh, those were the days!!!

This next one is filed under the category of “Oldie, but Goodie.”  Kind of like me.  LOL.  Sent in by Diaman.  Thanks Mom.

Little Bobby and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bobby goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand.

Bobby bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”

Thinking that this was simply adorable,  Mr. Smith replies, “Well, Bobby , you are only 10.   Where will you two live?”

Without even taking a moment to think about it,  Bobby replies, “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay, then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.”

Again, Bobby instantly replies, “Our allowance,  Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.  That’s about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine.”

Mr. Smith is impressed Bobby has put so much thought into this.

“Well, Bobby , it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?”

Bobby just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far.” 

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

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Political

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Oh my…so much truth, so early in the morning.  I’m gonna get another cup of coffee, let’s find something funny next.

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Okay, so seriously, one of my very worst nightmares.  The damn mosquitos love me anyway, and to dream about one …. doing what these guys ….ugh!

And what in the world is wrong with our television anymore.  This is what I found on the guide the other day:
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Come on!  Really? 

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This next one comes from Papa Dragon Most Senior.  I’ve seen it before and I’ve read it before and in fact, we had to memorize this in school.  I’ll bet that’s not the case now.  But I agree with the statement that this needs to go to every computer in the U.S.
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‘In  the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to  discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the person’s becoming in every facet an American, and nothing but an American…There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn’t an American at all.  We have room for but one flag, the American  flag… We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language.. And we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a  loyalty to the American people.’ 
Theodore  Roosevelt 1907

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This is what our education system is coming to…

Taking great pains to be specific, the new auto-shop teacher on our staff explained to three of his students that he wanted them to clean a car that was parked outside.

He gave them two extension cords, the vacuum cleaner, a bucket, rags and the car keys.

Later he went out and discovered them sitting in the car, feet up on the dashboard, listening to the stereo.

“Why aren’t you vacuuming the car?” he asked.

“Because the extension cord wouldn’t reach,” was the reply.

Exasperated, the teacher stated, “That’s why I gave you TWO extension cords.”

“We tried the other one,” a student answered, “but it wouldn’t reach either.”

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So you think you’re having a bad day…

Then you step outside of your house and look up into a beautiful blue sky and see this:

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All of a sudden, that smile comes back to your face and you say to yourself, “Now THAT’S a big ass balloon!” And things don’t seem quite so bad.

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Last Word

10i  Today’s last word is an example of how hot it gets in a closed car.

I saw this little wooden thermometer (about a foot tall) and put it on the dashboard of my car when I got home from work…in the evening … when the sun was beginning to go down and the day was starting to cool off.

Look close at the bottom of the thermometer.  Here, let me help you out a little bit.

10j That is a blown bulb at the bottom of the glass.  Granted, it wasn’t the most expensive measuring device I’ve ever purchased, but how hot does it have to get, how high OVER 120 degrees, to actually blow the glass up?

Now, the next time you think about leaving a pet, heaven forbid, a child in the car, think about what that kind of heat can do!

It’s summer time and I hear all the time on the news about kids dying, parents being charged with murder, for leaving their kids in the car while they “run in real quick”.  There’s a lady I heard about just today who left her child in the car while she ran in to get her hair done.  She’s being charged with murder.  And it’s times like this that I think the punishment should fit the crime.  The agony that poor child must have been in.  This lady should be terminated the same way.  Put her in a hot car, with the windows all rolled up, in a car seat that she can’t get out of (just like her child) and stay there until she is dead, dead, dead.

Just my humble opinion.

And I’m out!

Cheers!

Z3

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Leprechaun Laughs # 401 for Wednesday July 19th 2017

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[The Taisech is the Celtic/Gaelic/Irish equivalent to the Italian Godfather only meaner due to his Irish temper. (BTW the font is called Corleone One )]

Terrance comes out to the podium does his best scowl you milling about before shouting out “Alright youse guys! Find yer seats fast before sumbuddy get hoit! Da big boss wants he should say a few woids now so shaddaup you faces already!”

He turns beaming at Lethal who is just standing there staring at him with an expression that is a cross between disapproval and disbelief. He then shakes his head before face palming.

Once he regains his composure he makes the come here gesture with his finger at Terrance who sheepishly goes over to him. Lethal makes a gesture for him to bend down so he might whisper in Terrance’s ear, which he does. Lethal seizes Terrance’s earlobe much to Terrance’s obvious extreme discomfort and begins speaking rapidly into the ear he’s so painfully holding on to. Terrance alternates between nodding and negatively shaking his head, as much as he can given it tugs on his ear to do either. Suddenly Lethal grow quiet, and releases the ear abruptly. Terrance’s hand immediately comes up to the ear as he receives a sharp slap to the back of the head.

Terrance’s other hand now comes up to grab the back of his head at this new pain. Lethal then, still scowling at him points off stage and motivates his movement in that direction while encouraging him not to dawdle with a swift knee in the arse.

Grumbling something under his breath about the obvious effects of Dragon Behavioral Poisoning and the need to find a replacement for Terrance as Impish’s Assistant before it becomes Acute Dragon Behavioral Poisoning he mounts the podium.

Good morning,

First I’d like to say thank you to all of you for taking this meeting.

Impish did something really dumb Saturday, he wantonly and publicly in a big way. He violated one of the sacred tenants of any male relationship, the ‘Sa Chód deartháir’ (or for you NY/NJ people) ‘Il Codice dei Fratelli’.

For the rest of you those both translate to the same thing- ‘The Code of Brothers’.  You know might know it better by the modern term “The Bro Code”. It is an unwritten code of traditions governing acceptable behavior between a group of males, be it 2 or 2 Billion, who are so bound in friendship that they consider themselves the same as blood kin brothers.

What’s that? A question? Well speak up man! The Opening Banner? Does that mean I went all Richard Crafts on him or even worse fed him through the wood chipper alive?

ROFLMAO! Funny you should raise that question, its actually a pretty funny story-

See that not blood in the chipper, oh I know it LOOKS like blood, but its actually tree sap from a  Pterocarpus angolensis, or wild teak a.k.a Bloodwood for obvious reasons.  When you cut into it, it dribbles long trails of dark-red liquid down its trunk.. Tannins cause the dark red color of the sap.

Impish had been after me to allow the removal of some trees at one end of the Camp/Picnic grounds to allow him to come in lower for a landing and there for landings that didn’t mess u the camp/picnic grounds or hurt for him quite as much. See Impish is great at flying but sucks at landings as you might have noticed. While he occasionally manages a semi-decent one, most are more akin (more or less) to controlled crashes.

Anyway shortly after grousing about his violating the Bro Code and threatening retaliation, the arborist arrived to remove said trees for him as it turned out to be cheaper than building a crash damage containment/mitigation section to the end of the runway. I went and knocked on his door to get him to go with them and show them exactly which trees he wanted down. In hindsight I guess pounding on the door and yelling-

“Hey wise guy! Look outside you big blue backstabbing gecko!”

Might not have been the best course of action I have could take at the time as apparently he did, also too the red stain for blood and promptly boogied for parts unknown! I sent them to take down the tress I had marked but so far Impish still has not shown up anywhere, nor is he calling in. Hopefully this has to do with something else important he has going in in his rather vexing “real life” delusion this week and isn’t because he thinks I’m going to kill him because I’m not. Instead I intend to spend the entire issue making jokes at his expense instead until he remembers why violating the Bro Code with dick jokes to make up for your own inadequacies in said area  simply isn’t ever done, especially to your best bro “lest you incur heavy penalties.”

Let’s get this sucker started shall we?

 

Varrom

 

 

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ROFL! OMG! TOO funny! Impish is trying the old “multiple me” shtick!

Too bad he’s forced to use such bad likenesses of him! Here’s a shot on the one at the Campground currently “entertaining” the kids of our corporate employees! 

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Ok before we get too far along and I get all wrapped up in making Impish atone for his flagrant violation of The Bro Code, lets get one important item out of the way right off, THEN I’ll get down to the serious work.

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My condolences to Mrs. Dragon. Just think had you given in to your baser instinct and done away with him when he first presumed to propose you’d be out on parole by now for his murder!

Of course I’d be short a Bro Code breaking best bud, we wouldn’t be having this blog and you’d have lost the opportunity to torment him for so long!

Speaking of torment, let’s get right to it.

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Speaking of Marriage Rules some advice for Impish…

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And now to help celebrate their momentous occasion-

A honest to god Dragon sized Donut!

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There’s no shortage of sweet and savory items on the menu at Stray Dogs in Tucson Arizona, but when it comes to dessert, you can’t miss a doughnut called The B.F.D., aka “the big freaking doughnut,” according to the chef. Tipping the scales at a whopping 9 pounds, this deep-fried beauty features a hearty smear of gooey chocolate inside and a full-coverage frosting all around.

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You’re a DRAGON! There is ALWAYS food between your teeth!

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An Anniversary Greeting from Mrs. Dragon to Impish

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For the last week to 10 days we’ve been having Storm fronts moving through, Rain Squalls, T-storms and constantly fluctuating barometric pressure. This causes me intense pain in my knees, sometimes to the point I can barely walk or function so I have been spending a lot of time in/on this device and can attest to its comfort and capabilities. To my mind it only for lacks 2 things t make it perfect. Someplace it needs to be fitted with a cooler or possibly a mini fridge. I know, you thought I was going to say coffeemaker, that why mine has a thermal carafe! The second thing is the main area needs to be like one of those Craftmatic Adjustable beds. I could use the comfy looking couch back to sit up and actually get a wee work done but I can’t take having my knees locked out for any prolonged period so if the mattress could bend at the knees I’d be much more comfortable and able to work.

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And I’m going to be speaking a LOT of it today!

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It’s not ‘something’ that’s bloody hilarious Impish “old pal”- the word you want is ‘someone’ and its you.

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We pause the Impish Dragon Roasting and other assorted jocularity for an extremely important Public Service Announcement/Cyber Security Alert.

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HAcked

HIBP Approaching 4 Billion Hacked Accounts. Including Yours?

In the early days of Google, the search engine used to include a message on the front of its site which stated the total number of pages in its index. It was 2004 when Google first hit the major milestone of having crawled and memorized a billion pages.

A few years later the total hit 4 billion, then 8. After that, Google stopped publishing the numbers because it didn’t want to divulge trade secrets to other search engines that might threaten its dominant position.

In the next few weeks, another search engine is going to reach the 4 billion milestone. But this isn’t a database of web pages. It’s a list of hacked email accounts, gathered and curated by Australian security researcher Troy Hunt. Each time hackers manage to obtain the email addresses and account details of a company’s users, and publish them online, Troy grabs a copy of the leak and adds it to his index. There are now 3.8 billion email addresses in there, and I hear rumor of another hack that might be about to add 120 million new entries.

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Troy’s database is at www.haveibeenpwned.com and the idea is that you use it occasionally to check that your own email address isn’t listed in there. If it is, the system will tell you where it came from, and thus which of your passwords you need to change.

If you haven’t searched for your own email addresses on www.haveibeenpwned.com, take a minute to do so now. And do it again in a couple of months, just in case.

You all know how careful I am and what I do for a living so imagine my surprise when I found one there listed for me!

Fortunately it was for a site I used only one time and abandoned years ago but still better safe than sorry!

We now return you to the Dragon Roast already in progress.

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Say These 9 Words, and We’ll Tell You Where You Grew Up

If said a certain way, these words and phrases are a dead giveaway to where you’re from.

What we call insects that glow at night

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Some words are like out-of-state license plates—they’re dead giveaways that you’re not from around here. Just try rhyming aunt with can’t in parts of the Northeast or Upper Midwest (you cahn’t) or ordering a sub in Philadelphia, the epicenter of hoagie country. Not convinced? Check out this list of 13 foods that have totally different regional names. In recent years, linguists have pondered whether the homogenizing effects of TV, film, and the Internet have begun to eliminate many so-called regionalisms. To find out, Josh Katz surveyed Americans about how we talk for his book, Speaking American. The good news, based on the 350,000 responses received: American English shows no sign of disappearing. So slip off your sneakers (more on that later), grab a soft drink (ditto), and let’s take a tour of Americanisms.

[We’ll be doing the foods one next issue]

What we call a sale of household items

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How we address a group of people

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What we call carbonated beverages

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Where we throw our trash

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What we haul freight in

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What we drink from in public places

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What we call athletic footwear

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How many syllables in caramel?

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Well THAT explains why Impish cooks and does the laundry!

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I told Impish not to toss his cigar butts in the toilet when he’s done!

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OK sorry to interrupt again but we have a Consumer Alert- No Joke

PSA Recall

RECALL: Hot Dog Products Marathon Enterprises Inc. Recalls Sabrett Hot Dog Products Due to Possible Extraneous Material Contamination

Class I Recall 082-2017

Health Risk: High
July 15, 2017

Congressional and Public Affairs
Gabrielle N. Johnston
(202) 720-9113
Press@fsis.usda.gov

WASHINGTON, July 15, 2017- Marathon Enterprises Inc., a Bronx, N.Y. establishment, is recalling approximately 7,196,084 pounds of hot dog products that may be contaminated with extraneous materials, specifically bone fragments, the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s Food Safety and Inspection Service (FSIS) announced today.

The beef and pork hot dog and sausage items were produced on various dates between March 17, 2017 and July 4, 2017. A number of products are subject to recall.

The products subject to recall bear establishment number “EST. 8854” inside the USDA mark of inspection. These items were shipped to retail and institutional locations nationwide.                

The problem was discovered through FSIS’ Consumer Compliant Monitoring System (CCMS) on July 10, 2017. Complaints stated that extraneous material, specifically pieces of bone, were found within the product.

Click Here for Full List of Products

There has been one reported minor oral injury associated with consumption of this product. FSIS has received no additional reports of injury or illness from consumption of these products. Anyone concerned about an injury or illness should contact a healthcare provider.  

Consumers who have purchased these products are urged not to consume them. These products should be thrown away or returned to the place of purchase.

FSIS routinely conducts recall effectiveness checks to verify recalling firms notify their customers of the recall and that steps are taken to make certain that the product is no longer available to consumers. When available, the retail distribution list(s) will be posted on the FSIS website at www.fsis.usda.gov/recalls.

Consumers with questions about the recall can contact John Terminello, Consumer Relations, at 1-800-SABRETT Monday thru Friday 8:30am to 5:15pm.

Once again we return you to the Dragon Roast already in progress.

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The stemware for the anniversary party they’ll be having over the weekend

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Well we’ve come to the end of the retribution ah errr… ISSUE. Well honestly it wasn’t as retributive over his Bro Code transgressions as it could have been. I figure his fear of the wood chipper and the unintentional hilarity that gave me more than made up for that. No this was more of a loving roast of my best friend in honor of his 22nd Anniversary, something I in all likelihood will never live to see.

OH! WAIT! One more!

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OK NOW we’re totally done- except for this last thought for Impish:

5” of running water is not deep by any standard. Further when I said the water was cold, I was talking about at the bottom of the 10 foot pool we could see 20 feet from us PAL.

Nuff said. <Drops mic>

Shenanigator

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Dragon Laffs #1549

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I am a non-believer in all this global warming nonsense.  Our planet goes through phases of being warmer and colder throughout its lifetime and that’s all we’re going through now.

Except…

This past two weeks we’ve had more storms and more flooding then we’ve ever had before and record high temperatures across the country.  I’m writing this on Tuesday morning, well, starting it on Tuesday morning and I got like no sleep at all last night because of the incredible storms that were going on.  We were literally surrounded by funnel clouds and tornadoes for most of the night.  I had had a really rough day yesterday and I was asleep by about 6 pm. 

At 730 pm, I was woke up by Izzy Dragon telling me that the tornado siren was going off.  I told her and Mrs. Dragon to get ready to go to the basement while I checked things out, since I heard no rain or wind and the thunder was in the distance.

I went out back and searched the sky and the atmosphere was eerily calm.  And there was a slight green tint to the clouds and I knew EXACTLY what that meant.  While I was standing there, (actually hoping that this might be the time for my tornado picture!!) I checked the radar on my tablet and saw that we were, quite literally, surrounded by storms, but all we were getting was some sprinkles.

It didn’t stay that way all night, we got hit with some hard thunderstorms and because I’m a trained weather spotter, I’m connected up with their network and people were calling out funnel clouds all night long.  But nothing in my neighborhood. 

So, although I spent a mostly sleepless night in preparation to dash to the basement, I thank God that my family and I were protected and safe throughout. 

Although on my way to work this morning, I did almost end up dead.  But that’s another story…okay…okay…stop your yelling.  I’ll tell it real quick.  It’s not that big a deal.  I come into work early while it’s still dark outside and I didn’t notice a flooded area across the road.  I should have known better but blame a lack of sleep.  Well, I hit this flooded spot across the road at about 45 mph, didn’t even have time to hit the brake.  The road is just BARELY wide enough for two cars to pass each other.  Anyway, hit the water, lost control, (lost a hubcap, but I didn’t find out about that until I got to work.  It’s probably somewhere floating down the Wabash River by now) deep enough for the car to bounce off the ground a little bit and almost got washed off the side of the road, into a field with about a ten foot drop.

But I didn’t. 

I drove out and continued on my merry way and only had to change my shorts when I got to work.  Way too exciting of a day so far and it just started.  So, before I go and start telling more stories, why don’t we get this issue started:

Let's Laugh

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I want to know who remembers the last incident?

Okay, going back to weather again, this is WAY Cool!

And this is what Mike Olbinski has to say about his video:

Published on Jun 3, 2017

All spring I chase storms across the United States to collect footage of supercells, lightning, tornadoes and whatever I might find. Generally I don’t release any time-lapse clips from those chases until I put out my final end of season compilation film. But last night in North Dakota was too unreal to let sit on my hard drive for months.

We were chasing northeast of Bismarck, North Dakota and as storms were dying out, we decided to go for a lone cell on the backside of a line of storms. We knew it had a hail core on it and we were hoping that we might get some nice sunset color at least on the storm as it moved past us, and hopefully some lightning bolts. But we had no idea what we were about to encounter. The clouds were taking on a very different, curvy, wave-like appearance and suddenly we knew what we were seeing. 

Undulatus asperatus clouds are a rare phenomenon and actually the newest named cloud type in over 60 years. I’ve seen tons of photos of them, but never anything like what we witnessed last night. We had a storm with hail in front of us and flashing lightning which was fantastic. But then we had this layer of undulatus clouds flowing across our view. Watching them was amazing already, but then the sun slowly appeared from behind some clouds to the west and lit up our storm like nothing we’ve ever seen before. We were like kids in a candy store. Running around, doing our best to capture it from every possible angle. 

I did two time-lapses…one on the right side with a 50mm and then a wide angle with the 11mm. The colors here are real. I only increased the contrast. In fact, I was thinking of actually REDUCING the saturation because of how intense the colors looked with the contrast added. But that’s how it was and I left it that way. Six of us were there and all our photo and videos look the same.

This was undoubtedly one of the most incredible scenes I’ve witnessed chasing storms for the past 8 years. 

Insanity2

Some fast one-liners:

Me: I really want to travel.
Bank Account: Like…to the backyard?

I have no screws loose…they’re all just twisted and bent.

Carrots may be good for your eyes, but booze will double your vision.

You’re never too old to throw random shit in people’s shopping carts when they aren’t looking.

People say everything happens for a reason so when I punch you in the face, remember, I have a reason.

When butterflies get nervous, do they feel humans in their stomach?

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Dragon Pix

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SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!!!

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Thanks to K2 for sending this next one


“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”
— Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
 
Damn!  I know I am.
 
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Our own dear Ginny writes to us with some startling answers.

I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as “Luvs”, “Huggies”, and “Pampers”, while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”.

Well, here’s the lowdown on the whole thing.

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv ‘em, Hug ‘em, and Pamper ‘em.  When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will.

Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.

Thanks Ginny.  That helps a lot!

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Fantasy Pix

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This is our head of security dressed up for formal dinner.

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This next one was sent to me by my Dad…which is important, as you’ll see at the end.

The Goldberg Brothers – The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

Here’s a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends.
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 F degrees.


The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford’s office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 F degrees inside, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off almost immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, ‘The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,’ on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

There was no way that Old man Ford was going to put the Goldberg’s name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show —

Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max — on the controls.

Control yourself !

Just forward it on!!

This is what happens when you are retired and have too much time on your hands !

shark-tank-sm3

I guess there are guys out there who need that sort of device, but as you can tell by this next story, it’s probably not Lethal or me.

Impish Dragon and Lethal Leprechaun had been out at the local tavern and were walking back to their offices.  This is back in the early years when their offices were kind of small and they didn’t have their own office tavern.

Anyway, being responsible drinkers they were walking rather than driving and as they crossed a bridge over the town’s river, the sound of running water and all the beer they had imbibed had its way with them and they both had to relieve their bladders.  So, being late at night and a lonely road, the moved to the edge of the bridge proceeded to relieve themselves.

During the process, Lethal Leprechaun shivered a bit and said, “Damn, that water sure is cold!”

Impish Dragon responded, “I wouldn’t know about that.  Us Dragons aren’t affected by the cold like you Leprechauns are, but I will say that the river sure is deep!”

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Two guys, Cameron and Nyiko are sitting at their favourite bar, drinking beer.
Cameron turns to Nyiko and says, “You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the community college and sign up for some classes.” Nyiko agrees that it’s a good idea.
The next day, Cameron goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
“Logic?” Cameron asks, “what’s that?”
The dean says, “I’ll show you. Do you own a lawnmower?”
“Yeah.”
“Then logically speaking, because you own a lawnmower, I think that you would have a yard.”
“That’s true, I do have a yard.”
“I’m not done,” the dean says. “Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.”
“Yes, I do have a house!”
“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”
“I have a family.”
“I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.”
“Yes, I do have a wife.”
“And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be heterosexual.”
“I am heterosexual. That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a lawnmower.”
Excited to take the class now, Cameron shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Nyiko at the bar. He tells Nyiko about his classes, how he has signed up for Math, English, History and Logic.
“Logic?” Nyiko says, “What’s that?”
“I’ll show you,” says Cameron. “Do you have a lawnmower?”
“No.”
“Then you’re gay…..”

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Yeah, I’ve had days like that.

This is too funny not to share.

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Well folks, out of time for today.  I hope you all have a fantastic weekend.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

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Leprechaun’s Microsoft Fight Update

BReaking News Special Announcement

Computer Leprechaun

When I signed off from the issue as it went to auto-posting on Monday I had concerns about what Microflacid our high handed big brother cyber overlords were going to do to my computer in 6 days when I couldn’t authenticate the account due to the issue with the phone number being off a digit. Up to that point I had been unable to find a way to deal with what they had done sans my permission to my machine.

In typical Irish Marine/Leprechaun fashion, I sat back with a wee dram of Bushmill’s and pondered the problem for several hours looking for a new approach. Marines improvise adapt and overcome while Leprechauns well we’re pretty much exploitive, underhanded and down right sneaky.

It was then that St Patrick, Saint Jude and Saint Anthony all ganged up and slapped the back of my head for being obtuse and narrow in my vision.

Microsoft had forced my version of Windows 10 to cross a ‘programing Rubicon” that could not be returned across. Since I couldn’t go back to the way things were, I had no choice but to alter the path forward instead. To do this I had to keep the new sign in screen and keep the Outlook account (since I could not cancel it as Big Brother refused to allow this), but switch the sign in account to a local one of my own choosing, then disassociate the Outlook one from my computer entirely.

This still left me stuck with the new sign in/on screen so I made that my personal one in place of the one I had.  Since the Outlook account is now no longer associated with my computer, if they choose to lock it I’ve lost nothing since I had no intention of using it and now it can no longer impact my access to my computer.

In other words…

I'm back

Not that I was really gone quite as yet but you can rest assured you’ll be seeing/hearing from me next week.

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Leprechaun Laughs # 400 for Wednesday July 12th

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About 2 months ago I was forced while applying for some work to obtain a Microsoft Outlook email address. I abhor Microsoft and their accounts because they are invasive, pervasive and are used unapologetically in a Big Brother fashion to track you and your travails online.

Had I realized the extent of the invasiveness in Windows 10 I would have refused to get the account and walked away from the potential consulting work right away. I didn’t and only learned the next time I turned on the computer that now I was expected to sign into my Outlook account every time I wanted to use the computer and before I could even get into my computer or access my personal computer account password page.

There is no way to opt out of this or exempt yourself from it as our Microsoft Overlords refuse to permit it. NOW today I got a message when I started up about my account settings being “out of date” and needing to correct them. I was further told that in 7 days this would be required and I’d have no choice about it. Since resistance of Overload Gates is futile I went to comply only to discover that my cell number to which some confirmation of my identity was to be sent is wrong, it’s off a digit in the area code. I selected to confirm the identity online. This took me to a recover my account page where I was asked all sorts of questions before being told that my answers would be reviewed sometime in the next 24 to 48 hours and then I would be informed if they thought I was me and I could have my account back.

The problem here is I am unsure if the password will still work at that damned sign in prompt that blocks access to my computer every time I turn it on or not. There is a possibility that I will be unable to do so because the old pass will have been locked out. This means no access to my computer in that event most likely. No access means no more Leprechaun Laughs until such time as I can figure out a way to prevent that screen from appearing (about 40 man hours so far of research have come up with nothing to date) or until I get a new machine, which is likely to be August or September at the earliest.

Oh, yeah, that consulting work they insisted I have the Outlook address foe them to even talk to me about and apply for? I never got it.

Blackbird

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They’re just as bad but fewer and you can’t throw rotten produce at your Dad over them

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How many do you remember?

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1992: Super Soakers, the most powerful squirt guns ever

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1993: Crystal Pepsi

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1994: Pogs

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1995: Funnoodles (still going strong today)

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1996: The Macarena, both the song and the dance

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1997: Tamagotchis, and other “digital pets”

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1999: Furbies

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2000: Watching Survivor

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2003: Flash mobs

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2005: Rubber bracelets that raised money or awareness for a cause, like Lance Armstrong’s “LIVESTRONG”

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2009: Fancy cupcakes

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2012: YOLO, both saying it and living it

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2014: Taking the “Ice Bucket Challenge” to raise money for ALS research

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2015: Top-knots, man buns, and other male hair concepts

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2016: Pokemon Go

 

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Oscar Meyer Expands Wiener Vehicle Fleet With Wienermini, Wienerrover, Wienercycle And Wienerdrone

To celebrate a change to producing all their hotdogs with a new, artificial preservative-free recipe (oh God what have I been eating?), Oscar Meyer is adding four new vehicles to it’s Wienermobile fleet to help get the word out and deliver dogs.

Oscar Mayer introduces two new vehicles to Wiener Fleet

Oscar Mayer’s Wienermobile has been putting smiles on people’s faces since 1936. Now, the hot dog company has added a WienerCycle and a WienerDrone to its fleet of wiener vehicles.

Both new vehicles sport some interesting features. According to Food & Wine, the WienerCycle has an 8.5 horsepower engine, and keeps eight warm hot dogs in its sidecar. The WienerDrone can fly at speeds up to 50 miles per hour, go up to 1,500 feet in the air and drop a hot dog down with precision. 

The WienerCycle and WienerDrone join the Wienermobile, WienerMini and WienerRover as parts of the Wiener Fleet. 

Keep going for a video of the new Wiener vehicles in action and a tour inside the Weinermobile.

Oscar Mayer Introduces the Wienerfleet

 

Inside the Wienermobile

 

 

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Summer Time Driving Gloves- Texas Style

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Sniper sets world record after eliminating ISIS fighter from insane distance

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ISIS can run, but they can’t hide — even if the good guys are over 2 miles away.

One ISIS member was going about a mission in Iraq with a couple other insurgents, blissfully unaware of his impending doom and fantasizing about women’s ankles and goat assholes, when out of nowhere — splat — .50 cal bullet through the dome. Mission: over.

The shot was fired from 2.2 miles away by a Canadian sniper. The special forces sniper from Canada’s Join Task Force 2 broke the world record for longest confirmed kill, shattering a British sniper’s previous record by about 3,280 feet.

There aren’t too many details available — revealing things such as the location would compromise strategy — but the kill completely fucked up what would have likely been a deadly operation conducted by the terrorist organization.

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Comedic Political Commentary

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RorW 2

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Supreme Court: Rejecting trademarks that ‘disparage’ others violates the First Amendment

The federal government has violated the First Amendment by refusing to register trademarks that officials consider disparaging, the Supreme Court ruled unanimously Monday in a decision that provides a boost to the Washington Redskins’ efforts to hang on to the team’s controversial name.

The ruling came in a case that involved an Asian American rock group called the Slants, which tried to register the band’s name in 2011. The band was turned down by the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office because of a law against registering trademarks that are likely to disparage people or groups.

In a ruling against the government, the court said the “disparagement clause” of the federal trademark law was not constitutional, even though it was written evenhandedly, prohibiting trademarks that insult any group.

“This provision violates the Free Speech Clause of the First Amendment,” Justice Samuel A. Alito Jr. wrote in a section of the opinion supported by all participating justices. “It offends a bedrock First Amendment principle: Speech may not be banned on the ground that it expresses ideas that offend.”

The ruling — and a second one Monday that struck down a North Carolina law restricting registered sex offenders from social-media sites — bolsters the reputation of the Supreme Court as protector of First Amendment rights.

“At a time when some have claimed that speech may and should be regulated or censored if it is offensive, hurtful, or dangerous, the justices’ firm insistence that governments may not silence messages they dislike is noteworthy and important,” Notre Dame law professor Richard W. Garnett said in a statement.

Redskins owner Daniel Snyder was more succinct in a statement: “I am THRILLED. Hail to the Redskins.” The team was not involved in the case at hand, although the court several times mentioned an amicus brief filed by the Redskins.

The case centered on the 1946 Lanham Act, which in part prohibits registration of a trademark that “may disparage . . . persons, living or dead, institutions, beliefs, or national symbols, or bring them into contempt, or disrepute.”

But the founder of the Slants, Simon Tam, said the point of the band’s name is just the opposite — an attempt to reclaim a slur and use it as “a badge of pride.”

In a Facebook post after the decision, Tam wrote: “After an excruciating legal battle that has spanned nearly eight years, we’re beyond humbled and thrilled to have won this case at the Supreme Court. This journey has always been much bigger than our band: it’s been about the rights of all marginalized communities to determine what’s best for ourselves.”

Tam lost in the first legal rounds. But then a majority of the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Federal Circuit said the law violates the First Amendment’s guarantee of free speech. The government may not “penalize private speech merely because it disapproves of the message it conveys,” a majority of that court found.

Read original article here

Thats ALl Folks

Well folks that’s it for this week, and possibly a hell of a lot longer than that too. I’ll try and post something to let you know either way or have Impish put out the word if/when he has a moment to spare.

Lethal's Business Card

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