Dragon Laffs

So, I went for my dental consultation today. Not at all what I expected. They want to replace my upper dentures and my lowers insert 4 fake teeth in the top and the bottom for supported dentures. Pull the remaining teeth on the bottom. Do some reconstruction (?) and the total price is more than I paid for both of my vehicles.

Are you guys sitting down?

WITH insurance. Now, mind you, insurance doesn’t cover much of this, which I knew going in, but still.

More than Eighteen Thousand dollars. That’s $18,000! $18K!

So, Holly wants me to go to her dentist. She also has a dental friend who wants to look over the plan. But honestly, there’s no way in hell I can afford that.

“But we have payment plans.”

I’m sure you do! I saw the notes, at 18% interest. I could take the money out of my TSP. But, I’m not going to! That’s my flippin’ retirement! Lame as it is! Start a Go Fund Me? Not on your life!

So, my next thing is to go back to my dentist or Holly’s dentist and find out what plan B, C, and D are. Stay with the uppers that I have and figure out what I need to do to fix the lowers. Still gonna cost me, but keep it in the realm of what I can afford.

Eighteen thousand dollars … they are out of their ever-lovin’ minds …

Come on, we need to laff!

But! Before we do! We have more people to thank!

The latest donations and thank you’s go out to: (From newest to oldest)

Donald G.****Leah H.****Dan T.****Steve H.****Sammye****Pop Smith

I don’t know if I put this in the last episode or not, but if I did, it’s funny enough to repeat.

I believe this is a real story. Received it from a friend of mine;

___________________

Felix and Jury Duty

Jury duty letter came addressed to my cat.

Not a mistake. “Felix Martinez” was his full name according to his vet records.

My last name. His first name. Somehow he’s a registered voter now.

Called the county clerk.

Me: My cat got summoned for jury duty.

Clerk: Is the name correct on the summons?

Me: Yes, but he’s a cat.

Clerk: Is Felix Martinez a legal resident of this county?

Me: He’s a legal cat.

Clerk: Sir, if the name matches our records, he needs to appear or file an exemption.

Me: He can’t file anything. He has paws.

Clerk: You can file on his behalf.

Me: Under what exemption? There’s no box for “is a cat.”

Clerk: (pause) Check “unable to serve due to medical reasons.”

Me: What’s the medical reason?

Clerk: He’s a cat.

Me: That’s not a medical condition.

Clerk: It is if it prevents him from serving.

Sent in the form. Got rejected two weeks later.

“Insufficient documentation. Please provide medical professional’s statement.”

Took the letter to my vet.

Me: I need you to write that my cat can’t do jury duty.

Vet: Why is your cat summoned for jury duty?

Me: Excellent question. No good answer.

Vet: This is the weirdest request I’ve gotten.

Me: Can you just write that he’s medically unfit to serve?

Vet: On what grounds?

Me: He’s a cat.

Vet: (started typing) “Patient is unable to serve due to species-related limitations including inability to speak, read, or comprehend legal proceedings.”

Me: Perfect.

Sent it in. Got another rejection.

“Summons is mandatory. Failure to appear will result in contempt of court.”

My roommate thought this was hilarious.

Roommate: Felix is going to jail.

Me: This is serious.

Roommate: Bring him to court. See what happens.

Decided that was actually the only option left.

Day of jury duty, put Felix in his carrier. Brought the entire paper trail of rejection letters.

Checked in at the courthouse.

Clerk: Name?

Me: Felix Martinez.

Clerk: (looked at the cat carrier) Is that Felix?

Me: Yes.

Clerk: (long stare) He’s a cat.

Me: I’ve been saying that for six weeks.

Clerk: Why didn’t you file an exemption?

Me: I filed three. All rejected.

Showed the letters. The clerk read through them, expression shifting from confusion to disbelief.

Clerk: Someone rejected the veterinary documentation?

Me: Twice.

Clerk: (called a supervisor over) You need to see this.

The supervisor read everything. Looked at Felix. Looked at me.

Supervisor: How did a cat get registered to vote?

Me: You tell me.

Supervisor: This is a data error.

Me: Took you six weeks to figure that out.

They dismissed Felix immediately and apologized for the inconvenience.

Supervisor: We’ll remove him from the voter registry.

Me: Appreciate it.

Supervisor: (pause) Out of curiosity, how would he have voted?

Me: Probably whatever party supports universal treats.

Got a formal apology letter a week later and a voter registration card.

For me this time.

Apparently I wasn’t registered, but my cat was.

Roommate: Felix committed voter fraud.

Me: Felix committed nothing. He’s innocent.

Roommate: That’s what they all say.

Felix is sleeping on the jury summons now.

Fitting end to his legal career.

Taking time out because I just read of a call that came in last night across the air of a 10-16 (domestic dispute) (usually the worst call a cop wants to hear) and the app that I have let’s me hear the actual call. And bless her, the 911 dispatcher in a complete deadpan voice says, “The CP (complainant) advises that the female half has climbed into a little black car and is now chasing the male half around the yard in the car.” I laughed SO HARD! You just gotta love little Peru, Indiana!

Yes! Yes it does!

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

– Saint Augustine (354-430)

Indiana, Evansville Law

While driving on Main Street you may not have your lights on.

Some of you won’t get that one, either!

Just as mom walks though the door, little Johnny comes running over. 

He says ”Mommy, Mommy. I was playing in daddy’s closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each others clothes and laid down on the bed…” 

The mother interupts him. ”Stop right there!! Wait ’till daddy comes home!!” 

When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says ”I’m leaving you.” 

The father, bewildered, slowly asks ”Why!?! What did I do??”

The mother turns to Johnny and says ” tell daddy exactly what you told me today!” 

”I was playing in daddy’s closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took each other’s clothes off and laid down on the bed…just like what you and Uncle Joe did last summer.”

Get your tissues out!

This one scared the daylights out of me!

The family of a recently deceased millionaire gathered in a sleek corner office for the reading of the will. The attorney cleared his throat, put on his glasses, and began to read.

“To my devoted wife, Rose, who stood by my side through thick and thin, I leave the estate, the luxury fleet, and $10 million.”

The widow wiped away a tear.

“To my brilliant daughter, Jessica, who nursed me through illness and built my company into an empire, I leave the business, the yacht, and $5 million.”

Jessica smiled softly through her grief.

“And finally,” the attorney continued, glancing up at the back of the room, “to my cousin Dan, who constantly insulted me, wished for my downfall, and insisted I’d never mention him in my will…”

The attorney leaned forward and whispered, “Well, Dan, you were wrong. Hi Dan!”

And that’s it for today my friends. I hope you enjoyed this one as much as I did. Until next time. Still looking for more donations to keep this rag going my friends. If you need more ways to donate than through PayPal on the website. Remember you can go to the website at dragonlaffs.com and on the upper right side hit the donate button or you can write to me at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com and I can give you the snail mail address or how to transfer from bank to bank. Until then…

It is amazing to me that it is August already. Today is the 2nd, Sunday, the tree is gone. God blessed me with this young man who was absolutely amazing. And 4 youngsters who did all the moving. This guy does this for a living, showed up with this chainsaw that was like 3 feet long and wielded it like a surgeon does a scalpel. Keep in mind, that with my little one-lung chainsaw it would’ve taken me a week to do what he did in less than 30 minutes. I say less than because he was a little late showing up at 1300 and I was thanking him as he was putting the tarp over his trailer a little before 1330. God is so good to me.

Another thing. It was supposed to pour down rain all day today …

Not a drop in the sky. Sunny and warm, all day…although it looks like it’s starting to cloud up now.

I was worried about running and picking up Izzy from work and having to leave everyone here while I was trapsing off doing something else …

We were done before I ever had to leave.

The Whelpling … my son … was upset because he couldn’t be here till later because him and his motorcycle group were off helping a veteran get out of trouble in his town because the city was on him about his yard and he was disabled and couldn’t take care of it, so they were over at the vets house putting things to right and they couldn’t get here to help me. I got to tell him not to worry about it because it was taken care of like that! [Snapping Fingers!]

So many blessings today.

And then there’s you guys. I feel the love you guys send me every day. And no, that’s not a ploy to get you to donate during August. How dare you think that. I’m writing this before the last episode asking for donations went out, so I can’t thank anyone else yet. But it is that time, so drop me a buck or two.

Since we’re talking about blessings. I’m reading this GREAT book that Holly lent me. Called 78, How Christians Can Save America, by Peter Heck. Who just happens to be a Pastor here in Indiana. And he talked about defining God and I find myself wanting to expound on that a little bit this afternoon if you’d like to follow along with me.

Here’s his take via my paraphrase.

It is impossible for a mortal, finite human being to define or describe the immortal, infinite God. It is impossible for a meager human mind to put parameters around the identity of the omniscient Creator. It isn’t up to man to define God because if man could define God, man would be God. Simply put , God is not a matter of your opinion. He is the great I AM WHO I AM, not the great I Am Whatever You Want Me to Be. God does not ask your opinion of Him and then morph and change Himself into meeting your expectations and preferences. Simply put: God isn’t here to please you; He is here to be pleased by you and worshipped by you.

We don’t define God. God is … God. The ever-present, all powerful, omniscient, creator of all things.

Well then, Impish, who created God?

You’re just not getting it sweetheart. No one and/or No thing created God. Go Is. Period. Full Stop. He always has been and always will be.

We cannot fully imagine nor comprehend the incredible magnificence that must be Our Lord. The overwhelming awe it inspires to just try to think about it. I don’t have the words … and I’m pretty good with words.

Unfortunately I am extremely far behind, so I have to jump right into things, but before I do, I want to thank Pop Smith, Sammye, and Steve H. for their incredibly generous donations. That’s our list so far. And that’s my plug for donations.

I’m not sure how much of an issue I’m going to get out today. Let’s see how much I can get done before I go to the jail tonight and then how much I can get done when I get home before I become beat up too much. My apologies ahead of time. Let’s go!

Two British men were sitting on the porch of a cabin in a nudist colony. The one man, a bit of a socialist, turned to the other and asked, “Have you read Marx?”

The other fellow replied, “Oh yes! I think it comes from sitting on these rattan chairs!”

Illinois, Moline Law

There is a ban on unnecessary repetitive driving on 23rd Avenue.

OVERHEARD AT THE OVAL OFFICE


George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. 

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That’s what I want to know.

Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.

George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China? 

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow’s name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya’ asking me for?

Condi: I’m telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That’s the man’s name.

George: That’s who’s name?

Condi: Yes,

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That’s correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes. sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. 
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi; Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don’t want Kofi?.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. 

And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. 

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. 

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East.

Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

Pete was the playboy of the office. He kept the cubicle set bug-eyed with juicy tales of his conquests. 

One afternoon a bachelor in the office cornered him and asked, “Pete, how the hell do you do it? You’re a married man, but you make Casanova look like a two-bit amateur. Come on, buddy, what’s your secret?” 

Pete was in a conversational mood. “I wouldn’t do this for everybody, Eddie,” he said, “but you’re a friend, so I’ll tell you my secret. 

Like all great plans, it’s really very simple. It’s all in the approach!  

Tonight, take the 5:21 out of Penn Station and get off at Great Neck. You’ll find dozens of women there waiting for their husbands. 

Now there are always some husbands who have to work late. 

So all you have to do is be charming and let nature take its course.” 

The system was indeed simple, and also seemed foolproof. Eddie boarded the 5:21 that night with Pete’s instructions fixed firmly in his mind. 

But he dozed en route and didn’t waken till Plandome, two stops after Great Neck. 

He got off the train in a hurry and was about to catch a cab back to his destination when he noticed an unescorted female standing on the platform looking very available. 

He sauntered over casually, lit her cigarette, and asked whether she’d like to have a nice quiet drink with him.  

“I’d love to,” she said, “but let’s go to my place. It’s near here and it’s very, very quiet.” 

Everything went as planned. They had a small dinner at her place, some drinks, then they retired to the pleasures of the bedroom. 

They’d been enjoying themselves only a few minutes, however, when the door swung open and the woman’s husband entered. 

“Goddammit, Betty!” he cried. “What the hell’s going on here? 

So this is what you do when my back is turned… And as for you, you bastard-I thought I told you to get off at Great Neck!”

Great and good are seldom the same man.

-Thomas Fuller (1608 – 1661)

“A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she’ll never forget what she forgave.”

And that’s it. I know it’s not an entire episode and I warned you, but it’s all I have time for. My apologies. Don’t forget to donate. So donate only $4 since it’s short. Till next time. My love and happiness to you all.

And it’s Friday…for me…and Monday for you guys. Here I am, trying my best to get ahead for you. See! See, me working for you. Not buying it, huh?

I want to start off by thanking Pop Smith for the wonderful donation that he sent in AND it’s perfect timing because it’s that time of year again my friends. (I hate this part) It’s time to pay the bills for the year. I’m asking for your help in keeping Dragon Laffs free. That was always the deal. I would continue to do this as long as I didn’t have to put advertisement on the site. The only way to do that is to pay for the site outright. It’s not that expensive, but with storage, email and the website itself it comes out to a bit each year and I ask for you guys to pay for it.

I know, mean of me. But, my part is the labor. You guys cover the expenses and I cover the labor. So, starting today, donations are open. Anything helps.

Several ways to donate. The easiest is to hit the donate button on the upper right of the website. Some of you have never been to the website, go to dragonlaffs.com and on the right hand column you’ll see the donate button that will take you to PayPal where you can donate. Or you can send me a donation through snail mail. Email me at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com and I will send you my address. No, I’m not going to put it here. Or you can Zelle me. Again, if you email me I can tell you how. If you have any other suggestions for me, I’m all ears.

Anyway, that’s it. That’s my plea. We have the month of August to figure out where we go from here.

Now…

Absolutely amazing!

This one is WILD!

These questions were reportedly asked by elementary children 
and appeared in a newspaper article.


Dear God: Why did you make people talk foreign languages? It
would be easier if everybody could talk English like you and
me.


Dear God: If you made the sun and the moon and the stars you
must have had lots of equipment.


Dear God: Instead of letting people die and having to make
new ones why don’t you just keep the ones you have now?


Dear God: How come you only have 10 rules and our school has
millions?


Dear God: When you made the first man did he work as good as
we do now?


Dear God: There were no clouds Saturday so I think I saw
your feet. Did I really?


Dear God: I know there’s a God because I go to His house on
Sunday and see all the cars parked there.


Dear God: Where does yesterday go? Do you have it?


Dear God: I’m afraid of things at night more than in the
day. So if you could keep the sun on longer that would be a
good thing.

MOM’S SURVIVAL TIPS


1. Don’t sweat your every mistake or faux pas.
They make up for the things you got away with that nobody knows about. 

2. Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes the toilet when
you’re taking a shower.

3. When someone tells you that what he’s about to say is “for your 
own good,” expect the worst.

4. The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much fun it is to 
act idiotic.

5. If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don’t swallow it
whole.

6. When a politician says, “let me make something perfectly clear, 
remember that he usually won’t.

7. You children may leave home, but their stuff will be in your attic 
and basement forever.

8. If someone says, “I know what I mean, but I just can’t put it into 
words,” he doesn’t know what he means.

9. Two people cannot operate a TV remote control in the same
room at the same time.

10. Don’t waste time trying to be your own best friend. You can’t
pat yourself on the back, and it’s unsatisfying to cry on your own
shoulder. Find a real friend instead.

Wouldn’t you think all the gas pouring out on the ground would have given it away?

Carole was planning her upcoming wedding and asked to wear her mother’s wedding gown. When she tried it on, it was a perfect fit on her petite frame. 

Suddenly, her mother’s eyes filled with tears. Putting an arm around her, Carole lovingly said, “Don’t cry, Mom. Remember, you aren’t losing a daughter, you’re gaining a son.” 

“Oh, forget about that!” her mother sobbed. “I used to fit into that gown!” 

“What’s the date today?” asks a blonde.

“I don’t know. You’ve got a newspaper in your hands…why don’t you look at it?” 

“That wouldn’t do any good, it’s yesterday’s paper

A fellow met his friend, a notorious horseplayer, on the street. 

The guy looked like he’d just lost his best friend. 

“Why so sad?” he was asked.

“I had a hundred dollars stashed away to bet on the ponies today,” the gambler said “but my wife found it and blew it all on the rent and groceries!” 

A man suffering from severe insomnia finally breaks down and goes to see a psychiatrist.

“Doc, you gotta help me,” the man says, dark circles weighing heavy under his eyes. “Every single night, the second I turn off the lights, I’m overwhelmed by this terrifying compulsion that someone is hiding under my bed. I end up sliding out of bed to check underneath it every hour on the hour until the sun comes up. I’m completely exhausted!”

The psychiatrist nods sagely, stroking his chin. “Ah, a classic case of nocturnal paranoiac compulsion. I have a highly specialized two-week intensive cognitive therapy program that is guaranteed to cure your fear and get you a full night’s sleep. However, because of the advanced techniques required, it will cost you $5,000.”

The man, who was already tight on cash, winced at the price tag. “Five grand?! Let me think about it and maybe get a second opinion,” he says, before quickly walking out the door.

A week later, the psychiatrist happens to spot the man sitting at a local bar. Expecting to see a shattered, sleep-deprived mess, the doctor is shocked to find the man looking vibrant, fully refreshed, and happily enjoying a beer.

Curious, the psychiatrist walks over and asks, “I see you never called to enroll in my program. How are you sleeping?”

“Like a baby!” the man smiles. “Eight hours straight every night.”

The psychiatrist is stunned. “That’s impossible! How on earth did you cure a deep-seated psychological compulsion like that without my $5,000 treatment?”

“It’s ok, my friend actually solved my problem for free!”

“How?” said the psychiatrist?

“My friend came over and sawed off the legs of my bed!”

Nope!

And that’s it … but before I go. Remember I showed you the picture of the watch that buddy Wheats was making for me? Well, I received the finished product…and it is a true piece of Art!! It is gorgeous! He is a true artist. The things he can do with a watch is amazing. The things he’s shown me that he’s done for other people are truly amazing. Everything from superheroes to aircraft to … well … truly amazing. Here’s mine.

Is that not the coolest thing EVER?! Pure Class Baby!

Thank you, my dearest and oldest friend.

Okay, Until next time. Donate. Pray for clear weather … um … yesterday for you guys, tomorrow for me … so I can get rid of the tree in my neighbor’s yard and may God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again!

As you can probably tell by the above picture, I’m getting a little annoyed.

I have an upcoming eye appointment, a follow-up to the testing that I did the other day, and an upcoming dental consultation, that is not for several weeks yet. Today, as I’m writing this, is Thursday, the eye appointment is on Tuesday, I just saw the eye doctor this past Tuesday … two days ago. I have, in the last two days received 4 text messages, to which I have responded yes to (as in yes, I will be there for my appointment) an email that I responded to, and now, just about a minute ago, a bloody automated phone call!

For the dental consultation, it hasn’t been that bad, one voicemail and two text messages, but like I said, that’s still a few weeks away!

Are people so incredibly forgetful that they need that many reminders? Do they not put appointments in calendars? Do they not use the built-in calendars on their phones? I know of some people who still carry around paper date books and I don’t have a problem with that, you do you. I would love to be able to do that. I tried that because I like being able to see all that at one glance where my phone doesn’t really let me do that unless I have a magnifying glass with me, but then I never had it with me … the date book, not the magnifying glass. But are there that many people who don’t use anything and need to be treated like a recalcitrant 6 year-old who refuses to wear a raincoat when it’s storming outside?

Stop bothering me with this utter nonsense!

It’s like the person who recognizes someone on a Base wide email that they haven’t seen for a while and decides to have a conversation with said person by hitting reply all. The rest of us DON’T WANT TO BE INVOLVED!

Why do big corporation and governments insist on killing ants with a hammer?

What do I mean by that? Everything is overkill.

I was having this conversation with someone just the other day. If someone abuses something, or does something wrong, let’s just take it away from everyone. The damn democrats are famous for this. Like they did with opioids. Some people abused them, “Take them away!” But what about us who were actually getting benefits out of them? “No, now you have to live in pain because you can’t be trusted not to be a drug seeker and abuser!” and all the other names I was called. It just pushed more people into illegal drugs. Some people are abusing guns. Take them away from everyone. It’s not gonna stop the bad guys from getting guns, it just makes it harder for the good guys to protect themselves from said bad guys.

You’re not addressing the flippin’ problem, you’re just throwing dirt at the symptoms! People aren’t showing up to their appointments on time, so we are losing money and we can’t squeeze quite so many people in. “I know, send them 27 reminders a week! That ought to do it. Who cares if we bug the crap out of them. We’re the doctors, we’re better than they are.”

I’m sick to bloody death of it!

I know, it’s a first world problem. But, it’s symptomatic of so many other things that is wrong with out world right now. Who gave it over to “them” to decide for us?

On what?

On everything! Take a look at that moron running New York City right now. He wants to arrest another country’s president … why? Not the reason he states, what’s the real reason? To prove what a badass he is? To appease his Muslim brothers? Just because he’s 9 eggs short of a dozen? Or because it is Islam’s agenda to kill all Jews? This man is trying to control EVERYTHING … and ya’ll voted him in to do it. New York City that is. He’s CRAZY! And he’s all yours. The problem is, that his crazy is contagious. ‘Cause the rest of the democratic party is catching it.

Yes, I’m ranting. I’m tired of this nonsense. So tired. Fauci… pleading the fifth on the color of his friggin’ tie. Please just throw that piece of trash in a dark, dark hole and never, ever open the door again.

I should be so mad at him. He caused COVID and my Mary died of COVID complications. But, he’s not worth my time. Or anyone else’s. He’s worth less than the scum on the bottom of your shoe. God has a special place reserved for demons and those that associated with them.

And I’ve invoked God’s name and He is reminding me that what I am doing is mostly wrong. Ranting like this. No matter the righteousness of my anger and angst. I should turn the other cheek. But … He also expects us to fight to protect our neighbors … our children … our families … our friends. I don’t fight to protect my own life, but I freely give my life for my brother.

And yes, now I’m ranting and rambling. It’s been a very long day for me, my friends, so what do you say I end this here and we get on to the good stuff, shall we? Thanks for listening to this old dragon go on a bit. Now …

What a good boy!

Seems like so long ago…

Boy’s got skills!

Not everyone will get that one, either.

Or that one…

I do … and it really wasn’t that long ago.

What in the Sam Hill is going on here? I have so many questions. Momma, is that you?

I do! I do! Loved my Lincoln Logs! And then later, the Erector Set!

A creature rose up out of the surf and came ashore. 

Its garments were made of green sea lettuce. “I am the friendly Witch of the Sand,” she said, “I am only going to sunbathe.” 

The sun was terribly hot. Her skin began to bake and it turned as red as a ripe tomato! 

What? You mean to tell me you have you ever seen …

a baking lettuce and tomato Sand Witch?

A month? They could’ve opened it the next DAY and it would’ve been messed up. Closed it up, locked it up, opened it up the day after that and it would’ve been completely different again! That’s the nature of the Tupperware!

NO! NEVER! I don’t care how bad you think the service was.

A nun asked her class to write notes to God.  Here are some of he notes the children handed in:

Dear God:
If You watch me in church on Sunday, I’ll show You my new shoes.

Dear God:
Is it true my father won’t get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?

Dear God:
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that okay?

Dear God:
Did You really mean “do unto others as they do unto you”? Because if You did, then I’m going to get my brother good.

Dear God:
You don’t have to worry about me; I always look both ways.

Dear GOD,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry

Dear GOD,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world.  There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan

Dear GOD,
Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? -Lucy

Dear GOD,
Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma

Dear GOD,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -Ruth

Dear GOD,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stole your idea. -Sincerely, Donna

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. 

Mother: “What does the cow say?”

Child: “Moooo!”

Mother: “Great! What does the cat say?”

Child: “Meow.”

Mother: “Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?”

The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, “Bud….Wise…..Er.”

What the heck were in those tablets?!?!

Out the mouths of men…..

“I’M GOING FISHING” 
Means: “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.” 

“IT’S A GUY THING” 
Means: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.” 

“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?” 
Means: “Why isn’t dinner already on the table?” 

“UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR…” 
Means: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response. 

“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN” 
Means: “I have no idea how it works.” 

“I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT’S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.” 
Means: “I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.” 

“TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD.” 
Means: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.” 

“THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.” 
Means: “Are you still talking?” 

“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.” 
Means: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.” 

“I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.” 
Means: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.” 

“OH, DON’T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT’S NO BIG DEAL.” 
Means: “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt.” 

“HEY, I’VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I’M DOING.” 
Means: “And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon.” 

“I CAN’T FIND IT.” 
Means: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.” 

“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?” 
Means: “What did you catch me at?” 

“I HEARD YOU.” 
Means: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.” 

“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE” 
Means: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.” 

“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.” 
Means: “”Please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.” 

“I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.”  
Means: “No one will ever see us alive again.” 

“Good afternoon, Landlord, a pint of Less if you please,” said the old man. 

“Less? Never heard of it,” replied the barman.

“Oh, come now surely you have,” he persisted.

“No sorry, we certainly don’t stock it. What is it anyway? Some kind of foreign beer?” 

“Well I’m not sure,” admitted the man. “It was the doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink Less.” 

And that’s it my friends. Gotta wrap this up. Working this weekend and cleaning up a tree on Sunday, so I’m going to try to knock out Monday’s episode tomorrow (Friday). Hopefully I can get that done, I might have a little time on Saturday to get it finished off. We’ll see. But until then …

Well, it’s been another interesting couple of days. First the dentist. Gonna lose the last five flippin’ teeth I have left in my head. Infected and stuff. New lower denture … more money! Okay, it is what it is.

Then, last night, HUGE storm. Wind gusts over 80 mph! The new fence held up magnificently! Sadly, one poor tree didn’t and crashed through the fence, not the new part, and landed in the neighbor’s yard and now I have ANOTHER mess to clean up!

My Dear LORD, how much more are you going to pile on top of me!? So, phone calls and text messages and I’ve got guys with trailers and saws coming on Sunday to clean up the mess. If the complaining neighbors will wait that long.

Here’s some pictures:

And then, I go out back to take my dogs out and there’s some kid climbing on the tree sticking out of my fence! So, I told him (I didn’t yell) “Don’t climb on that.” and he ran away. That’s all I need is for that tree to slip or collapse further and for him to get hurt.

What in the world!

Anyway, let’s get to the fun stuff, shall we. I really need it.

That’s going to be my new poster!

Nice meme of an old joke!

And not everyone will understand…sadly!

And half of those in America are saying, “I’ve been preparing my whole life for this moment!”

And He tells me that every, single day!

This DLPSA comes to us from our good friend, Joe from NJ…

A pause from the humor. 

I believe I sent this a number of years ago. 

Worth seeing again. 

If you have pets, you more than likely have dealt with pet stains on the carpet or  other interesting places in your house. 

FIRST: Try this in a corner or place that is not noticeable!

Over the years I’ve tried almost every brand of spot remover on the market. One time, in desperation I tried hand sanitizer. Squirted it well on the stain, waited a minute and rubbed it vigorously with a few wadded up paper towels. 

The spot was about 98%(?) gone. And I’ve used it repeatedly over the years on everything from pet stains to Chigger bites! (That’s another long story!)

File this away for future use and let me know how it works for you. 

    …Joe

Thanks, Joe!

I have that skill! I can sleep wearing a gasmask and a steel helmet lying on a concrete floor. I definitely have that skill!

Yeah, you’re right! That ought to do it. What was that definition of insanity again?

“I’d be in prison today if it weren’t for my high school guidance counselor”

“She gave you good advice about living your life?”

“No, she helped me escape.”

This quiz is called Lateral Thinking.

Scroll down slowly and be honest to yourself.

Think like a wizard . . .. 



      man 
1. ———— 
     board 





Ans. = man overboard 



Okay, let’s see if you’ve got the hang of it. 




     stand 
2. ———— 
          i 
 
 

Ans. = I understand 



OK . 

Got the drift ? 

Let’s try a few now and see 
how you fare ? 




3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/ 






Ans. = reading between the lines 





4.     
      r 
    road 
     a 
     d 






Ans. = cross road 


Not having a good day now, are you ? 

Redeem yourself. 



5. cycle 
   cycle 
   cycle 





Ans. = tricycle 


Not easy to figure out ha! 



         0 
6. ———— 
      M..D. 
      Ph.D. 





Ans. = two degrees below zero 


C’mon give it a little thought ! ! 



      
7. knee 
    light 





Ans. = neon light 

( knee – on – light ) 



U can prove u r smart by getting this one. 



           ground 
8.         ————— 
feet feet feet feet feet feet 




Ans. = six feet underground 


Oh no, not again ! ! 



9. he’s X himself 





Ans. = he’s by himself 


Now u messing up big time. 



10. ecnalg 





Ans. = backward glance 


Not even close ! ! 



11. death ….. life 





Ans. = life after death 


Okay last chance ………………. 


12. THINK 






Ans. = think big ! ! 



And the last one is real fundoo – – – 



13. abababababababababababababababab… 





Ans. = long time no ‘C’

Things You’d Love To Say Out Loud At Work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.

2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to
pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.

5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it
my way.

6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re
saying.

10. Ahhh…I see the know-it-all fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn.

14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an
artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

21. Congratulations, you have officially earned the Dumber than a Box
of Rocks Award.

22. You know the acronym behind your name won’t keep me from kicking
your ass in the parking lot.

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40. Oh I get it… like humor… but different.

What a complete and utter load of malarky!!!

Friends are the flavor of ice cream you choose. 

Family is the big nose you’re born with.

We have a new security system at our house. 

We have two lively cats. 

I recently bought a toy laser that projects a red dot plus a few other designs. 

If anyone breaks in, all I have to do is put the red dot on them and sit back and watch!

And yes, both cats have claws. 

      …Joe

And that’s it my friends. Until Saturday when I have more time. I know this is a little shorter than usual, but I just plain ran out of time. So, until then…