Leprechaun Laughs # 392

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Morning Folks!

Tis early Sunday afternoon as I write these words. I’m thinkin I’ll be tryin for several times a day for several days afore I get this thing to upload so I’m for getting an early jump on it so you’ll nae be feeling withdrawal pangs come Wednesday.

A few word o’ explanation about my opening banner seem ta be in order so here they are-

As you are undoubtedly aware, Impish spent most of Easter week and  Eater it self not only pink and furry but stuck looking 1/2 way between the Easter Bunny and himself. The look was quite…something and I had the notion to make a few extra quid off the situation by getting some stuffed animals wearing little shirts emblazoned ‘I Luv Martians’. The animal were to be 1/2 bunny/half dragon and of course pink and furry.

My plan was to then offer these up for sale to you folks and make a tidy profit on the whole thing. Problem was I came to the idea late ( I must be getting soft in me later years) and really needed to move fast of capitalize on the idea.

A contact of mine had a contact who knew someone in the stuffed animal importing business who claimed to have a source who was over stocked with Easter Bunnies they were looking to unload and were willing to rework them. I hastily agreed and the order was placed. What you see is what I got instead of what I planned to sell.

Damned Chinese!

Porkys 3 D

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Bad Diet

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Miami, Florida.

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

“But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old man in the front row, raised his hand and said, “Wedding Cake?”

M-1 Tank Drifiting

THAT folks is an M-1 Abrams Tank they’re drifting.

SPEAKING of battlefields…let’s check in on United Airlines humor!

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United’s New Seating Plan:

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There’s even a video game to prepare you for flying United now!

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Brains

Lisa, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and, while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

After a while, several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, and both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer, who had noticed here on his way into the store, became concerned when he came out 40 minutes later and saw her in the same position. He walked over to her car and noticed that Lisa’s eyes were open and that she had very strange expression.

He asked her if she was okay.

Lisa replied that she’d been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

Using his cell phone the man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Lisa refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, the paramedics found that Lisa had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough had hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until the man noticed and came to her aid.

Lisa is blonde…

Going back to the subject of flying for a moment, how cool a pet is this?

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Apparently those couple pictures I posted for St. Padrag’s Day of me hiding me very first pot o’ gold were quite a hit with some of you. Recently I was asked if I had any photos of me as a brand new Marine. Here ya go, this is the only one I know of.

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Here’s a Pet Rock that packin’ a wee bit o’ attitude!

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Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

“This young CPA agreed to marry my daughter,” said one.

“No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,” said the other.

And so they haggled before the King, until he demanded silence.

“My sword! Bring me my biggest sword,” said Solomon, “and we shall cut the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half.”

“Fine. Sounds good to me,” said the first lady.

But the other woman said, “Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let this other woman’s daughter marry him.”

The wise king did not hesitate a moment.

“Indeed, the accountant must marry the first lady’s daughter,” he proclaimed.

“But she was willing to hack him in two!” exclaimed the king’s court.

“Precisely!” said wise King Solomon…

“That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law.”

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Recently Impish showed you a view of the pool for the Penthouse here at Keebler Towers from the ground looking up. That was all the perspective he had available to him because frankly he’s not allowed anywhere near the pool for obvious reasons.

Since we received a few private comments about it I thought I’d give you two other viewing perspectives of the pool. First what you see looking down:

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And now an inside the pool prospective view:

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Isn’t the view the pool provides breath taking? Wednesdays tan really is coming along nicely too!

And of course being a Fae Friendly environment we also have our very own resident Pool Nymph:

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Ten Signs That Your Life Is About To Change:

10. While watching the news, you spot your spouse marching in a Gay Pride parade.

9. The bank notifies you that your paycheck has bounced.

8. On a densely foggy morning, while driving in the center lane of a highway, you suddenly run out of gas.

7. You arrive at your wedding to find, two ushers, four bridesmaids, and six pallbearers.

6. You ask your doctor for a physical and he replies, “I’m sorry, I don’t do autopsies.”

5. The IRS invites you to a weenie-roast and the invitation begins with “Dear Weenie…”.

6. While surfing the internet, you suddenly get the following dialogue box: “ICBM launch successful. Confirm strike? (Y/N)”.

4. You receive an invitation from the Oval Office to “chew the fat”.

3. You hear that your dentist has been arrested for using radioactive material as tooth-filling.

2. At the vacant house next door, you notice a U-haul van and a truck which looks very similar to the one on the Beverly Hillbillies.

1. Your twelve-year-old daughter suddenly develops a craving for pickles and ice cream.

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And all the while you thought ‘Ghostriders in the Sky’ was just a song!

 

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?” The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “Lord have mercy, I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license, they’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT…

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, you didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

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WordPress Is Still At It Depriving You of Your Favorite Blog!

BReaking News Special Announcement

Lethal here folks.

I expected there might well be problems uploading Leprechaun Laughs after Impish reported problems getting Saturday’s DragonLaff uploaded.

That why I spent most of my free time on Sunday finishing the issue so I could start trying to get it uploaded earlier than normal. Apparently this has just provided more time for WordPress to be clueless and that SoB Murphy to laugh at me.

It’s currently 1 PM  CST on Tuesday 04/25/2017 as I write this. I have been trying multiple times to upload the issue multiple time a day despite feeling unwell and basically spending the majority of the day Monday abed and continuing to do so today.

When ever I do get up and move about for brief periods I come into my office and attempt to upload the issue 3 times, always with the same result, an error message after a very long wait. To add insult to injury we have no problem uploading these short messages

Impish nor I have changed or updated anything related to publishing the blog on our end. WordPress despite acknowledging to Impish they had recently updated their site’s software continues to insist this problem isn’t with them.  However all the error messages I receive are indicative of an issue on their end.

In short folks I do not know when or if you will receive the next issuer of either Leprechaun Laughs or DragonLaffs. It seems likely that our own host for which we pay (with the generous assistance of some of you) may well wind up succeeding in doing what our continually shrinking readership and increasing personal time commitments have so far been unable to do.

I’m talking about kill off this blog.

Further news (or an actual issue) if/when it becomes available or possible to post.

Thank You for your time and kind attention

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Dragon Laffs #1537

Dragon Laffs 33

Good Morning Campers,Adult Content

As you may have noticed, we’ve had some difficulty lately posting our blog to the website.  Sadly, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to get this fixed, so today’s issue is a little light.  I know you’ll still laugh and at this point, that’s what we all need, so without further ado…

(Well, it’s 947 pm Saturday night and it finally went through!  Not sure what the future holds for Dragon Laffs, but I am glad that this issue finally got published.)

Let's Laugh

2722Yup, I’ve got that!  I’ve got a new doctor who must be a mom because she asked me, “On a scale of one to stepping on a pile of Legos in the dark with bare feet, tell me how much you hurt.”

This is a very cool video.  I know you’ll enjoy it.

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my buddy Lethal, “That’s us in 10 years.”
He said, “That’s a mirror, dipshit dragon.”

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Dragon Pix

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Lethal used to let me help in the interview process for new employees at DL&LL Enterprises, but not any more.

Dang, eat one or two applicant’s who you KNOW aren’t going to cut the grade and they take you right out of the process.

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I tried that excuse on Thursday…it didn’t work.

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Two friends who grew old together made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other how life after death was. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life, Dan was the first to die. Benny mourned him, and waited for him to come and visit. True to his word, two months later, as Benny was sleeping, the voice of Dan appeared in his head.
“Benny…Benny…”
“My gosh… Is that you, Dan?”
“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”
“That’s wonderful!  What’s it like?
“Well, I get up in the morning, I have intercourse. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have intercourse again, bathe in the warm sun and then have intercourse a couple more times… then I have lunch (keeping healthy, lots of greens).  Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have intercourse the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it’s back to the golf course again. Then it’s more intercourse until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again”.
“Wow, Dan!  Heaven sounds amazing!”
What heaven?  I’m a rabbit somewhere in Arizona.

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Fantasy

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Our security teams often have unusual watch towers.

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Everyday I am forced to add another name to the list of people I’m going to eat when the zombie apocalypse comes.

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Yup, the 60’s AND the 70’s.

NOTE TO SELF:
1. Buy a Sword
2. Name it kindness
3.  Kill people with kindness

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Critter

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You know it’s gonna be a bad day when your imaginary friend files a restraining order against you.

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An amazing 2 letter English word.

A reminder that one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb and preposition.

UP

This two-letter word  in English has more meanings than any other  two-letter word, and that word is ‘UP.’  It is listed in  the dictionary as an [adv.], [prep.], [adj.], [n]  or [v].

It’s easy to  understand UP, meaning toward the sky  or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in  the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why  does a topic come UP?  Why do we speak  UP, and why are the  officers UP for election and why is  it UP to  the secretary to write UP a  report?  We call UP our friends, brighten  UP a room, polish  UP  the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.  We  lock UP the house and fix  UP the old  car.

At other times, this  little word has real special meaning.   People stir UP trouble, line  UP for tickets, work  UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one  thing but to be dressed UP  is special.

And this  UP is confusing:  A  drain must be opened UP because it is stopped  UP.
We open  UP a store in the morning  but we close it UP at night.  We seem  to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable  about the proper uses of  UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.   In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost  1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty  definitions.

If you are  UP to it,  you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is  used.  It will take UP a lot of your time, but  if you don’t give UP, you may wind  UP with a hundred or  more.

When it threatens to  rain, we say it is clouding UP.  When the sun  comes out, we say it is clearing UP.  When it rains,  the earth soaks it UP.  When it  does not rain for awhile, things dry  UP.  One could go on  and on, but I’ll wrap itUP, for now . . . my time  is UP!

Oh . . . one more  thing:  What is the first thing you do in  the morning and the last thing you do at  night?
U
P !
Did that one crack  you UP?
Don’t screw  UP.  Send this on to  everyone you look UP in your address book .  . . or not . . . it’s UP to you.
Now I’ll shut  UP!

2729

Morty and Selma, an elderly couple, were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer asked, “Ma’am did you know you were speeding?”
Selma, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
Morty yelled, “He says you were speeding!”
The patrolman said, “May I see your license?”
Selma turned to her husband once again and asked, “What did he say?”
Morty yelled, “He wants to see your license!” Selma gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, “I see you are from New York. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the most annoying woman I’ve ever met.”
Selma turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
Morty yells, “He said he thinks he knows you!”

2730

The wife of a prominent gentleman was being tried for the murder of her third husband. A lawyer asked, ‘What happened to your first husband?’

‘He died of mushroom poisoning.’ said the wife.

‘How about your second husband?’ asked the lawyer.

‘He died of mushroom poisoning, too,’ said the woman.

‘Well, then,’ asked the lawyer, ‘what about your third husband?’

The wife, replied, ‘He died of a brain concussion.’

The lawyer asked, ‘Why did that happen?’

The wife paused, and then said, ‘He wouldn’t eat the   mushrooms.’

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Pestering Politicians

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All babies start out with the same number of raw cells, which over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cell necessary to develop a male’s reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female.
Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak, and some of their cards are in their shorts.
This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls.
This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside.
Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as “Engineers.”
Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as “Fighter Pilots.”
A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as…”Mr. President” or “Mr. Congressman.”

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Wow…really?

Q. What gets longer when pulled, fits between your boobs, inserts neatly in a hole and works best when it is jerked?
A. A Seatbelt.

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Looks like there might be a position available…at least on a temporary basis.

Q. Why are there two Senators for each state?
A. Somebody’s got to be the designated driver.

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Sadly, there are probably some of you out there who don’t get it.

“The Senate was holding hearings on deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly, making them think they’re going to get a bunch of money, when in reality they never see any of it.
The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.”
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And this is where I run out of steam.  I’m done for the day, have to work in the morning, and I’m headed to bed.  If you’re reading this, then posting it worked, if you aren’t reading this….. um ….. never mind that last part.
I’ll send you out with one of the funniest stories I’ve read in a long time.

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cheers

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Still No Joy

Well, still not uploading.  Not sure what we’re going to do about it.  I’ll try again this afternoon when I get home.

Sorry my friends.

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Another Damn Delay

I have to give up for the night.  Issue won’t post and I can’t get into the admin section of Word Press but they swear its not their fault.

I’m working tomorrow but I’ll try again before I leave.  

My apologies.

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