Dragon Laffs #2084

Words go here

That is the honest and the forever truth.  Not that there will never be anyone else in my life, but Mary will be always in my life.

Right at the top of my list of things to do.

You know that LITTLE VOICE inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn’t?
YEAH, I DON’T HAVE THAT.

If you don’t use CONCRETE, it’s your own ASPHALT.

England, Birmingham Law:
It is illegal for a man and woman to have sex “on the steps of any church after the sun goes down.”

That’s one heck of a monument

 

A guy came home to his wife and said, “Guess what?  I’ve found a great job.  A 10 a.m. start, 2 p.m. finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!”

“That’s great,” his wife said.

“Yeah, I thought so too,” he agreed.  “You start Monday.”

9 out of 10 times when I lose something it’s because I put it in a safe place.

Why does the radio stop to tell you they play nonstop music?

“Look into my crystal ball…no, over here, pal!”

AIN’T     NO     WAY!!!

Easter Egg Hunts:  Proof your kid can find things if they want to.

Hyphenated

Non-Hyphenated

The Irony…

When your tired at night, everything’s funny.  When your tired in the morning, nothing’s funny.

And that’s probably only funny to those of us of a certain age.

It takes a special person to wake up early and still be late, but that’s me. ~ Stephanie

I have one cup of coffee each morning just to start the day off right.

The others are to keep me out of jail, help me form sentences, and fuel my razor sharp wit.

Add one word, ruin a band name:

Iron Deficiency Maiden

As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I’m sure of…it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

So, let’s be clear…The only acceptable reason for you to touch my cup of coffee is to refill it.  Don’t try to be a hero.

How to politely tell someone they’re stupid:

“Wisdom has been chasing you, but you’ve always been faster.”

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Dragon Laffs #2083

Thursday afternoon and I’ve managed to get ahold of both my brother the Owl in Orlando and Papa Dragon Most Senior near Naples and both are well and accounted for.  So, prayers answered.  I hope and pray for each and every one of you out there that you had as good a result with Ian as I did.

Took Pepper Dragon to the Vet this morning and she got a bunch of shots, some general type medicine that she gets every year, a pill to help her with seasonal allergies, and a clean bill of health.

I’m a teenie bit ticked off at myself.  Yesterday was Wednesday and Wednesday night is Bible study at the church and I completely spaced it.  I was a bit tied up and concerned with my health last night (I haven’t been feeling exactly “right” lately) and did some home diagnosis’s (all with negative results, by the by), anyway, long story short, by the time I realized it, I was picking Izzy Dragon up from work at 2230 and realized that I had missed it!  Something I look forward to all week!

You don’t suppose I’m …

[Gulp!]

Getting old…

Am I? 

I do have an awful lot of stuff to talk to the doctor about when I see her in … like a week.  Ah, screw it.  I’ll work it out when I see her.  

Anyway, enough about me, let’s talk about you for a minute. No?  Well, enough about you, then, let’s talk about life for a while.  We could talk about the conflicts, the craziness and the sound of pretenses falling…

Gosh, that sounds so familiar…All I really want…is to figure out where I’ve heard that before.  While I figure that out, …

I need that kind of coffee that’s so strong when I take a sip, my ancestors wake up.

You’ve GOT to be kidding me!

I’m told to treat others as I want to be treated.

Now I’m facing sexual harassment charges.

Thanks.

Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow…

“Ooh!” said the presenter, “This is a very rare breed.  Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”

“Sticks.” replied Paddy.

“Hey…Warrior…wanna buy a map?”

“Crocodiles are easy.  They try to kill and eat you.  People are harder.  Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.”  ~ Steve Irwin

Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of shit.

I can never go swimming because it’s always less than 30 minutes since I’ve last eaten.

The new Olympic event…Waterfall diving.

To anyone who has been through hell here on earth.  Who has been living in survival mode for years.  Who has faced challenges they didn’t think they could climb out of…

Anyone who has been profoundly hurt, broken, abandoned and rejected by people they loved, trusted and cared about…

I just want to say, I’m so proud of you for making it this far.  Proud of you for your strength, progress and courage to keep going.  Very proud of you for choosing to stay alive.

Only trust men who like big butts…

For they cannot lie.

I’ve reached that age where 67% of my electric bill from using a heating pad on some part of my body.

When Pornstars take off their clothes, they are actually getting dressed for work.

Wisdom will kill me someday.

I think “Dildo” is a perfectly acceptable insult.  I’d call you a “Dick” but you’re not real enough.

A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast-feed her baby in a bus.  The baby refuses to suck the breast and the mother warns, “if you don’t suck, I will give it to the man next to me.”  The baby still refuses.  After 20 minutes, the woman repeats the “threat”.  The man clears his throat and says, “Look here woman, you better make up your mind.  I was supposed to get off six bus stops ago!”

According to them, you only have freedom to choose what they say you can choose.

They ARE criminals.

We live in a society where people use a $900 phone to check their food stamp balance.

Also known as the Jersey Rule.

Every saint has a past
&

Every sinner has a future.

~ Oscar Wilde

Stupid People Are Like Glow Sticks.  I Want To Snap Them And Shake The Crap Out Of Them Until The Light Comes On.

My next door neighbor knocked on my door wearing just a see through negligee and asked to borrow a cup of sugar and then winked at me and asked to come in for a cup of coffee.

I said, “Go away, Dave.”

And the problem is, there are a bunch of you out there, who are saying to yourself right now, “Yeah, so 33 plus 45 equals 78, what the heck does that have to do with anything?  And why is there an old record in the corner?  I don’t get it?”  And THAT is so sad….so very sad.

I suppose you never really do.  I know it would bother me for a really LONG time.  And that is it for this issue.  You may have noticed that I’ve stopped talking about donations.  The donation season is pretty much over, I have been asked by the financial department to mention it one last time, so that’s what I’m doing. 

There, I mentioned it.  And I’m going to show the wall one more time in order to thank everyone.  

You guys are absolutely wonderful.  Thank you all so very much.  And if, for some reason, I’ve missed anyone, it is entirely my fault and I humbly and deeply apologize.  My normal bookkeeper is doing another gig nowadays and I miss her.  But, we get by.  

And with that…until next time, my dear campers, friends, family, and loved ones.  May love and happiness visit you regularly until then.

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Dragon Laffs #2082

Well, today is Monday and I went back to work this morning after my one day off this weekend and boy did I feel it.  I had a heck of a time staying awake.  I was going to take a sick day and call in this morning until I remembered that both of my guys were already taking the day off, so it was just going to be me there today.  So, I drug myself out of bed and went to work.  But, I think I’m going to take a vacation day or two later on this week and maybe extend my weekend this week.  We’ll see. 

Izzy and I have to take Pepper dragon to the Vet on Thursday for her annual visit, that ought to be fun, and it’s at like 1030 in the morning so it’s not worth going in to work before hand to turn around and come back home to pick Izzy and the dog up and by the time we get done and get back home, there won’t really be enough time left in the day to go back to work, so I’ll end up taking Thursday off anyway…and I might just throw Friday in the mix as well and make it a long weekend. 

Anyway, enough talk about long weekends, let’s talk instead about making some laughter, shall we?

I walked in the bedroom to find my wife dead in the bed the other day.  Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go.  Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted BOO! 

Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.

Ghetto word of the day:  Bishop.  My girlfriend fell down, so I picked that bishop.

You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the whole world and somebody’s still going to hate peaches.

This is an older drawing done of me by one of the art students at Dragon Laffs, Inc.

That’s about the way I was this morning…

When I was young, I was a poor golfer.

But after years of play and practice, I am no longer young.

Mine needs to have its own heartbeat.

Dear Diet,
It’s not me, it’s you.  I just don’t think it’s going to work between us.  You’re boring, tasteless, and I can’t stop cheating on you.

I’m not surprised Jeff Bezoz started seeing a woman who was close with his wife.  That’s classic Amazon, “if you like this, here’s something similar you also might like.”

We spent a lot of money on our front entrance (if you can find it) to our corporate Headquarters

When you dream, one portion of your brain creates the story while another part witnesses the events and is shocked or surprised by the plot twists.

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?

Where do they go?  Well wonder no more.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the penguin family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”

“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”

Gotcha! You really didn’t believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

You cannot be a true coffee lover until you’ve tried to suck the spilled coffee off of your shirt.

Get on my level.

My emotional support animal is a chicken.

A four piece.

With a biscuit.

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.

If the FBI waited 18 months to seize “nuclear documents” from a country club, everyone at the agency should be fired.

If Slow Joe really didn’t know that Mar-A-Lago was being raided, that’s a tacit admission that someone else is in charge.

Facebook is a perfect example of socialism.  You get it for free.  You have no say in how it works.  The guy who runs it is rich.  You have no privacy, AND if you say one thing they don’t like, they shut you up

Had a woman who was in active labor, despite insisting she couldn’t be pregnant.  She said her last period was “like ten months ago” so she’d gone through menopause.  She was 25.

Go ahead…throw out all those mailman jokes you’ve been holding on to this whole time!

I once had a patient tell me he needed his decapitation medicine because he was feeling full of shit.  I had to thing about it for a minute then I realized he was asking for his constipation medication.

I had a patient’s mom ask me if putting a catheter in her 6 year old son would break his hymen and would he still be a virgin.

Our spirts are everywhere.

And that’s it for another issue my dear friends.  May you have nothing but happiness until we meet again on Saturday.

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Dragon Laffs #2081

It’s Saturday night and I’ve spent the day teaching CBRN Defense Training to Air Force Reservists.  CBRN stands for Chemical, Biological, Radiological, and Nuclear so put that with the Defense Training and you get me teaching men and women how to stay alive in really crappy environments.  The bad part is that I spent 4 hours on my feet on concrete floors and now I’m a bit achy, the good part is that I got to say, “thank you for your service” to yet another group of young people and explain a few facts of life to them.  Definitely the highlight to my day.  But, now I’m really paying for it.  

So, that’s been my day, how are you guys doing? 

I do have the day off tomorrow.  Church in the morning, football in the afternoon with finishing up with this issue involved in there at scattered points.   

So, I got nothing else to say at this point, so let’s get started with the fun stuff.

I think I need glasses because I keep seeing a lot of people with two faces.

Did you know that Bruce Lee has an older and faster brother?

Sudden Lee

Okay, if you don’t see it at first…look again.

I have friends and relatives hiding EVERYWHERE!

All of the Problems are stuck between Mind and Matter.  If you don’t Mind, It doesn’t Matter.

REALLY?

Sometimes, you just have to play the role of a fool to fool the fool who thinks they are fooling you.

Once I went to a party with my husband, full of people he knew (from work) but I didn’t.  A guy came up to us, turned to me and said, “You must be his wife.”  I turned to my husband and in my most indignant tone said, “You have a WIFE?”  Should’ve seen the guy’s face!

This is so easy.  #15 for me, every time.

I seriously need to do a better job cleaning up my toys.

Well, it seems as though I haven’t published this enough, so here it is again.  My NEW email address:

This is the best and easiest way to get ahold of me…if I can just remember to keep checking it.  LOL!  But, it’s a real nice email box.  It’s got plenty of room, a nice couch, a view…

Remember when all you had to worry about was figuring out how to skip school and how to hide being drunk from your parents?

NOW ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS FOR:

PARTNER IN CRIME

MUST BE FLUENT IN SMART-ASS
SARCASM, AND ADULT LANGUAGE

QUESTIONABLE MORALS AND
NUDITY MAY BE REQUIRED

When a gentleman is interested in a lady he looks at her heart. 

It’s her cleavage that always seems to get in the way.

Can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole the limbo stick.

Seriously, how low can you go?

Not the same as the last “Good Boy”

On her last day, my HR lady printed out an excel list with everyone’s salary on it and left it in the printer tray.

Absolute legend…

And we are supposed to believe that our Federal Investigators are unbiased…

That one really bothers me…was Ayn Rand a modern day Cassandra?

A haiku about being an adult:

I am so tired
Where did all my money go

My back is hurting

Let’s read some mail!

Michael C.

2 days ago

Dragon Laffs #2079

4 Channels?? I remember 3, aluminum foil on the rabbit ears, positioned just right and my brother and I grabbing pillows to watch a 2 Jiffy Pop, 2 hr. movie on Saturday night with the family. Yeah, I’m that ‘old fart’.
Mike in Cinti

Mike,

I remember those days, too! The Wonderful World of  Disney on Sunday night.  Mom and Dad on the couch and all the kids on the floor on our bellies with our chins cupped in our hands.  Yeah, I’m that “old fart” too.

Stephen B.

16 hours ago

Dragon Laffs #2080

Hi. Newish member here. I am also in another group in which a member posts fantasy pictures at times. If you like, I can forward them to you but will need an email address.

Hi Stephen, as I posted in my reply to you and in this issue, the brand new email address for yours truly is impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com.  And I deeply appreciate the pictures you sent to me.  When they come up in rotation for the fantasy spot you will see them featured here.  As to the questions that you asked in your email, I will answer it here for the benefit of all.  I am open to being sent any and all pictures.  I love politicals, the more politically incorrect the better.  I love all kinds of pictures, full stop.  If I don’t feel like I can use it here at Dragon Laffs, I just won’t use it, but it doesn’t mean that I won’t enjoy it for myself.  So don’t anyone feel like you can’t send me anything. 

And not sure you noticed, but you got another reply from one of our LONG time campers, our own dear Stephanie…

Stephanie

4 hours ago

Dragon Laffs #2080
In reply to: Hi. Newish member here…

Welcome Stephen. I’ve been here for 16 years I think. Its a nice place to stop, rest, smile, laugh, and occasionally get angry.

Yeah, Stephanie is right.  We run the gamut of emotions around here sometimes.  Thanks dear Stephanie for welcoming a new friend and fellow camper.

There’s no limit to a child’s imagination?  My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.

That is absolutely disgusting

Well, that’s it for another issue my friends.  This is about the last chance to get your name on the great wall of heroes for this year.  Send in a donation to help pay the bills for this website to keep it ad free.  Thanks for all you guys do, every day with sending in your stuff.  Right now I have 1,158 unread emails dating back to August 17th.  That should tell you how prolific you guys are in sending me stuff.  I try like heck to get to them all, so if you are wondering why it’s taking me so long to get to your email…that’s why.  So, here’s the latest copy of the hero wall.

And until next time….

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Dragon Laffs #2080

Well, it’s Saturday…again. 

And I’m working…again. 

But the sad part is, that I’ve already taken a day off for working today, so I don’t even have anything to look forward to for working today.

Sigh.

I’m worn out. 

As I’m writing this it’s Thursday evening and I’m having a heck of a time holding my eyes open.  Burning the candle at both ends and in the middle AND trying to hold that sucker up off the ground so it doesn’t start any fires anywhere is starting to drag my dragon butt DOWN!!! 

I actually don’t have anything planned for tonight other than relaxing, writing to you guys, probably taking a nap, and picking Izzy Dragon up after work.  Speaking of which, I better set an alarm so I don’t over sleep and forget her. 

Okay, that’s done.  Now, what do you say we get to some of the laughs, shall we?

There is only so much insanity you can blame on a Full Moon…

Eventually, you have to admit that some people are just Bat Shit Crazy!

You know what the issue is with this world?  Everyone wants a magical solution to their problem, and everyone refuses to believe in magic.

~ Alice in Wonderland

I have question…many, many questions.

“Okay, who wants to play Red Rover, Red Rover?”
“OH!  I Do! I DO!”

Is it still called a Gas Pedal…

on an Electric Car?

They said Noah was crazy.
Then the rain came.
And the fact checkers all drowned.
The End

Yup, that’s EXACTLY what’s wrong in this picture…

Having two incomes is better than one when buying a house so make sure your partner is working two jobs.

Follow me for more real estate advice.

Trick or Treat is a classic on any realm

The farmer was so pleased with his new cornfield that he walked the length of  it, grinning from ear to ear.

I’m taking a Psychoceramic Class and learning a lot about crackpots.

Coincidence?  I think not!

In every relationship there’s the person who falls asleep instantly and the other person who lies awake wondering how that’s even humanly possible.

Not no but HELL NO!

Hard to Believe

A recent survey indicates that the Smartphone is now the number one hand held device.

The penis has slipped to second place.

What do you call a paternity testing facility here in Indiana?

Hoosier Daddy.

A Guide To Why Everything is Getting More Expensive:

1.  Bastards

2.  There may be other reasons but our research leans mainly towards point #1

Just when I’m on the verge of growing cynical about our society I see an old woman smile and give up her seat for a pregnant man.

“Inflation is just like alcoholism.  In both cases, when you start drinking or when you start printing too much money, the good effects come first.  The bad effects only come later.  That’s why in both cases there’s a strong temptation to overdo it.  To drink too much and to print too much money.  When it comes to the cure, it’s the other way around.  When you stop drinking or when you stop printing money, the bad effects come first and the good effects only come later.” 

~ Milton Friedman (1912-2006)

This one is from a good buddy who wishes, because of this joke, to remain anonymous.  

Question:  What is an Amish woman’s favorite fantasy?
Answer: Two Mennonite!

I never finish anything.  
I have a blackbelt in Partial Arts.

Ghosts like to ride in elevators
because it lifts their spirits.

And that’s it again my friends and fellow campers.  We have a couple new additions to our Heroes wall.  One of which just came through as “Home”.  I really like that as a name or as a nickname I suppose.  Thanks to everyone who has donated this year.

Thank you all very, very much.  May you all be blessed with Love and Happiness until we talk again.

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