So, it’s now Saturday and doing some laundry and just relaxing and I thought I’d spend a little time with you guys. I’m in a mood today, so I need to laugh so I thought we’d do that together. So, let’s get started.
It bothers me that this sign is necessary.
I just bought a Humpty Dumpty toy from Aldi.
It’s brilliant.
It comes with Aldi kings horses and Aldi kings men.
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow.
There should be a calorie refund for things that didn’t taste as good as you expected.
I can’t believe I’ve lived long enough that I’m being fact checked by 20 year old boys with man buns, skinny jeans and nose rings that don’t even know who bombed Pearl Harbor!!
There is no such thing as a Grouchy Old Person. The truth is, once you get old you stop being polite and start being Honest.
Arguing with a WOMAN is like getting ARRESTED. Everything you say can and will be used against you.
Remember: before Facebook, when no one cared what you had for breakfast!?
They still don’t.
Cell phones bring you closer to the person far from you. But take you away from the ones sitting right next to you.
And others who read that as 90ish or so…
A recent study found people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits.
And people who order a quad shot, nonfat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel, drizzle are more likely to be their victims.
I thought I broke my ankle when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night.
The doctor says it’s only tissue damage.
And that’s it. I’m doing a little better. The depression is still beating me about the head and shoulders, but I’m still doing standing upright. You guys helped. I hoped you enjoyed the show. Tune in next time and laugh with me again.
So, I’m picking right back up from the last issue… on May 1st, May Day. Izzy told me that today is Law Day. I found this on line since I’ve never HEARD of Law Day before:
Law Day, observed annually in the United States on May 1, celebrates the rule of law, the legal process, and its role in protecting liberties. Established in 1958 by President Dwight D. Eisenhower, it highlights how the legal system fosters justice and equality. The American Bar Association leads the observance, often with themes focused on constitutional rights
Now, I was warned not to confuse this with National Loyalty Day, which is also on May 1st, which focuses on loyalty to American freedom or international May Day, which focuses on workers’ rights. So, doing a quick search on Loyalty Day I got:
National Loyalty Day, observed annually on May 1st in the United States, is a legal holiday dedicated to reaffirming allegiance to the U.S. and recognizing American freedom. Initiated in 1921 as “Americanization Day” and officially recognized by Congress in 1958, it serves as a patriotic counter to communist-associated May Day celebrations.
Yeah, gonna do International May Day next which is where I think we’ll get the whole “communist-associated” thing from…
May 1 is celebrated around the world as International Workers Day, a time to honor the struggles and achievements of the labor movement. Ironically, May Day has been less observed in the United States than in other countries, despite its U.S. origins.
And directly below that AI generated clip is a link to the “American Friends Service Committee” (read also as the communist party of America) so it makes more sense.
So, who knew that May 1st had such … auspicious airs?
Anyway, I still need to laugh some more over my poor water heater, so let’s get to it, shall we?
Oh yeah, Izzy also reminded me that it’s the 15th anniversary of the death of Osama Bin Laden. So, there’s that.
Now, then…
Okay, I’m NOT taking the blame for this one! Nope, not me. This is all Joe!
HUGE FIGHT AT SEAFOOD RESTAURANT.
BATTERED FISH EVERYWHERE
“I always read my wife’s horoscope to see what kind of day I am going to have…”
Yesterday a woman called for an ambulance.
Operator: How may I help you?
Woman: I banged my toe against the coffee table and hurt it real bad.
Operator: And you want to call an ambulance for that?
Woman: No. The ambulance is for my husband. He shouldn’t have laughed…
Somebody stole my coworker’s money, so I asked how much. She said $350. I went to the restroom to count it… it was only $85.
Why do people lie like that?
Exec: Any ideas for new kids shows?
Writer: A mouse tried to murder a cat with dynamite.
Exec: Nice. What else?
Writer: A coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite.
Exec: Love it. Any more?
Writer: A dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun.
Approximately 90% of the population are people with an average or lower intelligence level. Statistically speaking, I’m glad that I’m in the other 15% group.
Mine, too!!
Fair point…
I need some sort of away message for texts that says something like this: Hi, I am exhausted from human interaction right now. I know I’m posting on social media, but I currently do not have the energy to hold a conversation. I still love you and will get back to you in 3 to 5 business days.
So very, very, VERY true. There is an entire sermon in this verse alone. Please always keep this in mind my dear friends.
My mind still thinks I’m 25.
My body thinks my mind is an idiot.
They ask me why I don’t have tattoos, so I told them, “Have you ever seen a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?”
Why do eggs come in flimsy Styrofoam cartons and batteries come in a package only a chainsaw can open?
And that’s it for this one my friends. I’m nackered. Gonna end this one here until next time. Be well my friends.
Well … remember when I said that spring was finally here? I spoke too soon. We had another freeze warning last night and it’s cold again and I had to turn the darn heat back on.
To add insult to injury, my water heater went out. In fact, the repairman just left after his initial visit. Not a quick fix like I had hoped. I need a replacement. Today is Friday, he’s headed back to the shop to see if he can get it done today or if it’s going to have to wait until Monday.
Full replacement, plus a whole house filter (which I’ve been meaning to do for a while now since we have such terrible water here) $4k. Comes with 2 years of carry-on service. It could have come at a worse time …
And it’s now 2 hours later and they are here replacing my water heater! Yay! Couple of really good guys. Working hard and doing a good job. I’ll keep you guys abreast of what’s going on but for now…
Then I wish he would act more like it.
Who was Alexander Graham Kolwaski?
_________________
He was the first Telephone Pole
Those are some great granddaughters.
Little Morris asked his aunt Sadie how old she was.
….”39 and holding,” replied Auntie Sadie.
Little Morris thought for a moment, then said, “And how old would you be if you let go?”
“And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Matthew 22:39 “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.” John 13:34
We discussed how hard this is at the jail the other night. The guy who cuts you off in traffic, the person who bumps into you at the grocery and then doesn’t even have the courtesy to apologize or worse, blames you. There are much worse examples I could use. We are not only supposed to forgive these people, but love them … as we love ourselves. How HARD that is! But, that is the expectation … the requirement.
A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found Morris a client. ‘I think this one will really move said the broker, it’s only $1 a share now ‘.
OK buy me 1000 shares said Morris. The next day the stock was at $2.
The client called the broker and said you were right, give me 5000 more shares.
The next day Morris looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.
The client ran to the phone and called the broker, get me 10,000 more shares said Morris. Great said the broker.
The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.
Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, Morris phoned and told the broker, “Sell all my shares.”
The broker said, “To whom? You were the only one buying that stock.”
So very true, do we have any idea at all how many people do not have these things?
A German tourist walks into a McDonald’s in New York City and orders a beer.
The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, “They don’t serve beer here, you moron!”
The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle.
“And what’s so funny?” the New Yorker demands.
“Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for the food!”
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.
“I’m not aware of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.”
“Of course,” replied the patient. “In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth…”
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries.
The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, “You just put, ‘Ole died.'”
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, “That’s it? Just ‘Ole died?’ Surely, there must be something more you’d like to say about Ole. If it’s money you’re concerned about, the first five words are free. We really should say something more.”
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, “O.K., then. You put ‘Ole died. Boat for sale.'”
And that is what it’s all about.
And for the rest of us, say, “It’s about time!”
The attractive wife told her husband she was going on vacation with a girlfriend, but she really went with her long time wealthy lover, who gave her a beautiful $10,000 mink coat.
But she couldn’t bring it home so she figured a way. She pawned the mink coat.
She came home and told her husband she had found a pawn ticket, which was really the pawn ticket to her mink coat; and she asked her husband to find out what had been pawned.
Her husband returned and told his wife it was a cheap watch. The next day his secretary was wearing a $10,000 mink coat.
McTavish broke the habit of a lifetime and bought two tickets for a raffle.
One of his tickets won a £1,000 prize.
He was asked how he felt about his big win.
“Disappointed” said McTavish. “My other ticket didn’t win anything”
And that’s it…and I have a new water heater and whole house water filter! These guys did a GREAT job, even if I’m now $4k poorer than I was this morning. I am pleased. I keep telling myself, it’s just money. LOL! God’s blessings will see me through.
I like that header. (Thanks Aussie Pete!) That is literally me, every single night, reading in bed, not YouTubing, not death scrolling, not Facebooking, READING…on my Kindle app on my phone. I have thousands of books electronically because they are cheaper and easier to carry than physical books.
Why? Do I like electronic books better than physical ones? Not particularly. But I am frugal. Now, an expensive E-book is about $7 and I can buy it instantly wherever I am. A cheap paperback is about $12 and I have to go out to the bookstore to get one.
I average (AVERAGE) three books a week, that’s a savings (not counting travel time and gas money) of about $15 a week, $65 a month, or $780 a year. So … yeah. Plus, it duplicates over onto my tablet, which reads more like a book when I’m in a place where I can use my tablet easier.
Yes, I read … a LOT. That’s just my leisure reading. That doesn’t count my Bible reading, my scripture study reading (different than my Bible reading), my Jail scripture study reading, my work book reading to keep up on the changing world of CBRN stuff. It helps that I also read quickly. AND that I LOVE to read. The key to defeating the brain degenerative beast is exercising said brain diligently and often. I also do puzzles daily.
So yeah … I like the above header.
I also like to laugh, so let’s get to that part too, shall we?
EXACTLY!
Aaaannnddd some won’t get that one.
And look exactly the same.
Actually, not a bad idea.
A Senior’s Version of Facebook
For those who don’t quite understand Facebook …I’ve decided to make friends in real life using the same rules.
Every day I walk down the street telling people …
What I ate,
How I feel,
What I didyesterday,
And what I’m doinglater – and with who.
I show them pictures of …
My family,
My dog,
Me in the garden,
Fixing things in the garage,
Driving around town …
Basically everything I do.
Then I …
Listen to their conversations,
Give them a “thumbs up,”
And tell them I “like” them.
And you know what? It works just like Facebook …
I already have four people following me:
Two police officers,
A private investigator,
And a psychiatrist.
No kidding. I don’t get those places where you go up to the counter, order your food, they hand you your food and they expect a tip. FOR WHAT?
Again… there are those …
Overheard at a grocery story by someone waiting in line behind a woman speaking on her cellphone in another language. Ahead of her was a white man.
After the woman hangs up, he speaks up.
Man: I didn’t want to say anything while you were on the phone, but you’re in America now. You need to speak English.
Woman: Excuse me?
Man: [very slowly] If you want to speak Mexican, go back to Mexico. In America, we speak English.
Woman: Sir, I was speaking Navajo. If you want to speak English, go back to England.
As a CBRN Specialist, I can tell you in my professional opinion this is all excellent advise. (CBRN = Chemical, Biological, Radiological, Nuclear) PS: don’t eat the white powder
I’m thankful for my struggle because without it I wouldn’t have stumbled across my strength.
Major props to someone!
I just ordered a life alert bracelet so if I get a life, I’ll be notified immediately.
Hmm, we just saw this one with different captions.
Yeah, and we used to send the new guys out to fetch 6 feet of flight line, 2 gallons of prop wash, left handed screwdrivers, glass hammers, etc., etc., etc.
I misspelled “I’m unstoppable” and my phone autocorrected to “I’m unstable” and honestly, that’s fair.
A million kids want to clean up the earth. A million parents want them to start with their rooms.
Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life until you die.
Mom got mad ’cause we kept swiping her clothespins!
Yup, it’s gonna happen that way, I’m pretty much convinced.
Joe from NJ writes and sends us this one:
This takes just a moment of thought to make perfect sense.
He: Do they celebrate Arbor Day in Boston?
She: Yes, I suppose they do. Why wouldn’t they?
He: How do they know they’re not honoring that old Swedish “Mama Mia” group?
All mushrooms are edible, some only once!!!
Me, too.
Or in my case, several of these drawers.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone? Do strangers call to pay my bills? And if they do, why don’t you let them?
That’s if for today my friends. I hope you had as much fun as I did. Until next time.
Okay, I think spring is finally here. It’s been almost a whole week now with out temperatures below freezing and frost advisories. But … BUT!!! I am sick and tired of the RAIN! It seems like I should be thinking of building an Ark…or at least a decent sailboat.
Don’t get me wrong, I swim, VERY well…but 40 days and 40 nights, not to mention all the fountains of the great deep busting forth and the windows of the heavens opening up, so yeah…at least a sailboat I think.
I’d say it has to stop raining eventually, but…
Anyway, I’m teasing …
Mostly…
But, since I’m starting this one immediately after the last one, waddaya say we jump right in, shall we?
An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old General sends for his trusty Indian Scout.
“Yumti-Bi,” he said, “you must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here.”
Yumti-Bi layed down and put his ear to the ground…
“Large Heap – war party,” he says, “maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black horses, two on white stallions. All have warpaint…many many guns. Medicine man also with them.”
“Good grief!” exclaims the General, “you can tell all of that just by listening to the ground???”
“No, General,” replied the Indian, “I can see under the gate…”
A pastor was working late on a Saturday night at the Almighty God Tabernacle.
Around 10:00PM he decided to call his wife before he left for home.
Although the pastor let the phone ring several times, his wife didn’t answer. A few moments later he tried again and she answered right away.
He asked her why she hadn’t answered before, and she said that the phone hadn’t rung.
The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the church office.
The caller wanted to know why the pastor had called him Saturday night.
The pastor was confused. The caller said, “It rang and rang, but I didn’t answer.”
The pastor remembered the incident and apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he’d intended to call his wife and must have dialed the wrong number.
The man said, “That’s OK. Let me tell you my story. You see, I was planning to commit suicide that night, but before I did, I prayed, ‘God if you’re there, and you don’t want me to do this, give me a sign now.’ At that point my phone started to ring.
I looked at the Caller ID, and it said, ‘Almighty God.’ I was just too afraid to answer!”
I’ve heard that this was a true story, although I am of the opinion that it is a “true” story…more of an urban legend. It’s been used in quite a few sermons. But, either way, it’s a good story.
No worries, just tryin’ to find me a sailboat
Way too funny!
Joe from NJ says:
Wouldn’t it be ironic if Popeye’s chicken was cooked in Olive Oil.
We all know mirrors don’t lie…
I’m just grateful that they don’t laugh.
So now cocaine is legal in Oregon but straws are not.
That must be frustrating!
This one is from our dear Leah…
I figured out the difference in gross and net pay when I got my first real job at age 14.
It’s so “gross” to see what you actually catch in your “net”
My wife asked ,”Did you eat that cake in the fridge?” No l ate it over the sink like you taught me.
Yes! I will keep babying my poor decrepit old washer and dryer until they collapse just so I don’t have to get a modern set.
Oh, if only we stuck with that!!!
Okay guys, that’s it, I’m done. Got another one in the box and it’s still Friday. Now, I’ve got to get some sleep cause I got some CBRN Classes tomorrow morning and … full class. Until next time.
Dragon Laffs 