I desire to pontificate.

But …

I won’t.

At least at this point. Maybe I will deeper into the issue. Who knows.

So, agonizingly true.

This is so wrong and I laughed so hard!

One Saturday morning, Bob got up early, put on his long johns, and began to dress quietly.

He slipped into the garage and hooked his boat up to the truck, then proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.

 

He immediately pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

Disappointed, he went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

He cuddled up to his wife, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
“The weather is terrible outside.”

His wife sleepily replied,
“I know. Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?”

Just think! And as pretty as you think it is, you can’t possibly IMAGINE!

GRRRRR!!!!!!!!!! Don’t get me started!!!!!

All I’m saying is climate change wasn’t an issue when we were sacrificing virgins to the sun god regularly.

Yeah, but you have no IDEA what other problems we had when we were doing that … the Tower of Babel ring any bells? Sodom? Gomorrah?  Noah’s flood?

There is more truth in that simple meme than most people learn in their whole lives. Faith. That small five-letter word which is so incredibly deep. Having the faith to believe that all things … all things … the good and the bad, like the vows of a marriage ceremony: for better for worse, richer and poorer, sickness and health … you can read that last one as in pain and pain-free. It’s all there with God, too. Jesus is the Groom and he’s returning for His Bride, the Church. The Church is not a building or a denomination, it’s the people – Us.

My son asked me if he could fart in a box and give it to his friend for Christmas.

On a related note, I know what I’m giving my brother this year.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.

Then, it becomes a soap opera.

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence…

The rest of the year went very smoothly.

See!  It’s always Bob!

You forgot, “Rub dirt on it.”

No kidding. I really can’t see today’s kids doing the things that we did.

I just replaced the air freshener can with an air horn in the church bathroom…

…now we wait!!!

Yup, been there, done that. Had a buddy that we had to do that EVERY time.

In the span of 17 years 114 people died in a weight lifting accident at the gym.

In the same 17 year time frame, only one man died while eating a doughnut.

Life is about the choices we make.

Educate yourself.

If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neck-hole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”

And that’s it my friends. No serious pontificating after all. May the laughter of today help you through the problems of tomorrow.

Well, that was probably the shortest furlough I’ve ever been on. Real time, it lasted a day and a half. If you want to be absolutely accurate, from the time I signed the furlough letter and turned it in, to the time I got the text message saying that I needed to return the next morning at regular time, it was exactly 30 hours and 52 minutes. 

Now, the actual shut-down was much longer than that, but they had to wait until Monday morning, when we came back on our regular work day to have us sign the furlough letter and then when all the paperwork was done, they sent us home. There was probably more time spent doing the paperwork and all the red-tape, then we were actually away from work.

Then I spent most of Wednesday catching up on what I missed on Monday and Tuesday and spent most of today (Thursday) putting everything to rights for the rest of the week and next week.

So tomorrow, Friday, things will finally be put back to rights and (at least for me and my office) we’ll be back on track where we need to be.

All for what amounted to 16 work hours.

Ridiculous. 

Okay, I would have questions…

I guess at 67 I’m too young. I had to look it up. It’s an extra low gear for “off road” or super low torque needs. Basically, it’s actually first gear and the others are mislabeled by one down.

Awww … so cute! At that time. Now? Not so much.

Hmmmm … I wonder …

And that’s EXACTLY how the furlough works. This time AND last time. Thanks to brother Wheats for that one!

What a fantastic idea!  The next time I have some down-time …

Abraham Lincoln said watching “Melania” was the worst experience he’s ever had in a theatre. 

That’s an old one, but a good one and it ALWAYS makes me laugh.

Doctor: Eating a lot of cinnamon will help you lose weight.

Me at Dunkin Donuts: I’ll have 12 Cinnamon rolls with extra cinnamon.

My new role model is the old lady I saw at the store. 

She was buying Oreos, Corn Dogs and Vodka. 

Another classic!

My therapist suggested I get an emotional support animal…so I got a chicken. 
Deep fried.
Came with a milkshake.
Feeling better now.

I don’t know how to describe it, but 72 degrees with the heat on and 72 degrees with the A/C on are two totally different temperatures.

I AGREE 100%!!!!

I hate it when I eat the last bite but didn’t notice it was the last bite so I couldn’t mentally prepare myself and get closure.

This time when I was seven I thought that I could talk to trees (because I had no friends), and I used to sit by them and say things and one day I was talking to my tree friend called Kevin and this girl went up to me and said, “Are you talking to that tree, freak!” and I started crying and hugged on to the tree, and while she was laughing one of the branches fell on the girl’s head. Thanks, Kevin.

The coin I carry every day in my pocket. In fact, I carry two of them in case I come across someone in need who I feel like l need to give one to. Then, when I get home, I replace the one I gave away.

And that’s it my friends. I hope you had as much fun as I did. So, until next time…

Well, it’s official, I’m on furlough. (Today’s Monday, by the way) I don’t know for how long. Could be a day, could be a week, could be … yeah, we’re not going there. 

Now, instead of arguing over health care for illegals, they’re arguing over DHS funding, which, in essence, is arguing over the means of getting rid of illegals. Or, in other words, they are arguing over stupidity.

But the one thing that annoys the ever-living-daylights out of me is that they are insisting that ICE agents are not allowed to wear masks. The only reason to do that is so that they can apply facial recognition to track them down, where they live and harass or harm their families.  The only reason they WEAR their masks is to PROTECT their identities and their families. That is just unfair, mean, cruel, and downright evil. It is wrong on so many levels.

But Impish, these protesters aren’t sophisticated enough to have facial ID technology. No, they’re not, but the people and “movements” that are actually behind them are. 

I just had a very long conversation with a certain young dragon that lives in this cavern with me and I hope she sees things a little more clearly on this topic then she did before.

So…onward and upward, my friends …

This is one of my favorite jokes of all time:

A husband shopping center (HusbandMart) has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. 

The store is comprised of six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. 

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. 

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: “Floor 1 – These men have jobs.” 

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes. 

The second floor sign reads: “Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.” 

The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again. 

The third floor sign reads: “Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.” 

“Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?” 

The fourth floor sign reads: “Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.” 

“Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight. 

The fifth floor sign reads: “Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong 
romantic streak.”

“Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on?” 

So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads: 

“Floor 6 – You are visitor 123,456,789,012,345 to this floor. 
There are no men on this floor. 
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. 
Thank you for shopping at HusbandMart and have a nice day.”

The 80’s

Many memories.
No evidence.

You know you’re over 40 when you have upstairs ibuprofen and downstairs ibuprofen.

I went for a job interview at UPS. I said, “Sorry I’m late, I went to the wrong address.” and they made me regional manager.

Yeah, just for that.

I just watched a program about beavers.

It was the best dam documentary I have ever seen.

We always wanted to be adults so bad. Now look at us … stressed, broke, tired, and excited when the laundry’s done.

[Spits mouthful of blood onto the floor] You’ve become far more powerful since we last crossed paths.

Dentist: Please stop doing that. There’s literally a sink right next to you.

I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap. Nobody warned me that adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.

That’s it my friends. It’s just a little while later from when I started, but still no word on the ending of the furlough (I didn’t think there would be) but for you guys reading this, it’s Saturday … almost a week from now … well, a work week from now … and you will know FAR more than I do right now. Hopefully, I’m back to work again, but some of the articles I’m reading say that this is going to last longer than anticipated.

Thankfully, I anticipated this much better than I did last time and this one is not going to hurt me like the last one did. So don’t worry for me. In fact, I’ll let you know if you need to start worrying for me, how’s that sound?

So, for now, until next time …

So, it’s still Saturday, I’m starting Thursday’s issue, since I have NO idea what next week is going to give me.  According to what I’ve read, the government is now officially shut down. The Senate has passed a bill that will fund the government except for Homeland Security, which will operate on a stopgap for two weeks, and the bill goes to the House which will not meet again until Monday. So, Monday I will go into work, sign the furlough paperwork and go home. 

And wait.

How long I wait will depend on the House. Could be hours, could be days. I don’t think it will be that long, but I was extraordinarily wrong on the last one.

So, we’ll see, I guess. By the time you read this we’ll all know.

In the mean time,  

Because what else are we going to do?

What a difference 25 years makes.

Husband: I think I’m having a heart attack…

Way, way cool!

Ummm… (hating to admit this) … 67.

Hey!!!!

Oh, don’t I know it!! Philippians 1:6, Paul writes: And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. (ESV) And until that day and time, He will continue to boost you up do do His work. I often say that God has helped me endure, and even taken away, my pain so long as He has work for me to do and so long as I continue to do it.

Whenever I see chocolate, I hear TWO voices in my head. One of them says, “Eat the chocolate.” And the other one says, “You heard…Eat the chocolate.”

Wife: I’m going out for 2 hours. Do you want anything?

Husband: No, that’s enough.

Maybe the reason aliens haven’t visited our solar system yet is because we only have one star. Maybe they are looking for systems with a 4 or 5 star rating.

This is a great reference chart.

If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?

Plastic Explosives.

Here’s one that not everyone will get…

Last night, I had a horrifying dream that disco was actually making a comeback.

At first, I was afraid. I was petrified.

See the previous meme!!!!!

How do you know if someone is hitchhiking or just complimenting your driving?

FUN FACT: A leopard can drag something twice its weight up a tree.

A cougar can drag someone half her age into bed.

Liven up any conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

Day 283 without sex:

A mosquito sucked on my neck and I moaned a little bit.

And that’s it for this one.  Gotta go feed the dogs … and this dragon. Bye for now my friends.

I have found myself a lot lately thinking about writing.

I haven’t done any serious writing in quite some time.

I miss it.

I think I miss it most because there is so much tossing around inside this head of mine that is aching to get out. Words that need said and thoughts that need to be expressed.

Writing is like a muscle that, if not exercised, gets flabby and doesn’t perform the way that you would expect it to and I’m getting afraid that my writing muscle is getting out of shape. I’m also worried that, as I get older, it’s not as limber as it used to be. 

I think I’ve made mention that Papa Dragon Most Senior, as our dear departed Lethal Leprechaun named him, my dad, has Alzheimer’s so very terribly bad that it gives me the heebie jeebies just thinking about it. I’ve always heard that the way to keep that monster at bay was to keep your mind sharp, i.e. read, do puzzles, read, write, read, keep your mind occupied with hard things, read, and above all else, read. Well, above and beyond my Bible studies every day, I still average about 3 … okay, maybe 2.5 books a week.  I’ve slowed down a little since I’m back in class.

Anyway, the header got me thinking about it. Maybe tomorrow on my lunch hour I’ll sit down at my computer, close my eyes, and see what comes out.

Maybe just laughter in the back of my head… so …

YES! Every single morning for the past couple of weeks! The other morning the little number on my dashboard said -4! And even worse, the windchill was -20!!!!!

I felt just like that guy…probably colder.

Must be getting ready to snow. I’ll bet there’s no eggs or milk either. For some reason, every time it looks like snow, people want to make french toast.

So, I forgot to set my alarm the other morning and overslept by an hour, then I got to my office and my thermostat said this and I just KNEW it was going to be a bad day!

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. 

Oscar Wilde (1854 – 1900)

I laughed SO hard.

Then I cried a little because of how true it is.

A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead dinosaur with a pigmy standing beside it. 

Amazed, he asked: “Did you kill that?”.

The pigmy said “Yes.”

The hunter asked “How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?” 

Said the pigmy: “I killed it with my club.”

The astonished hunter asked: “How big is your club?”

The pigmy replied: “There’s about 260 of us.”

That is such an AWESOME answer! It makes me want to get pulled over so that I  can use it.

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of  me life, between the legs of me wife!” 

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.” 

She said, “Aye, what was your toast?” John said,

“Here’s to  spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.” 

“Oh that  is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s toasting buddies on the street corner. 

The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary.” 

She said, “Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he’s only been there twice! 

Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.” 

A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something. 

Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him. 

Yet the feeling persisted. 

When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried: “Daddy, where’s Mommy?” 

I was blown away one afternoon when I stopped at a diner. Sitting at the counter I observed the cook forming  portions of 

ground beef into hamburger patties. He wore a sleeveless undershirt, grabbed a handful of beef, placed it into his arm pit and squeezed. He noticed that I almost fell off the stool. 

Without missing a beat he looked at me and said:

“Calm down lady, you should be here in the

morning when I make 

the doughnuts!”

So very true.

I understand this one COMPLETELY!

I agree, do it again!

Doctors at a hospital in London, England have gone on strike.

Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors’ demands are as soon as they can get a nurse over there to read the picket signs. 

I’m really tempted throw the flag on this one!

A gynecologist decides that he’d had it with gynecology. He wanted to go and fulfill his lifelong dream and become a car mechanic. So he studied hard, and when he felt he was ready, he registered to go take the state licensing test. 

The results of the test arrived a few weeks later, and with trembling hands he opened the envelope to discover that he passed with flying colors! He got a score of 200 points out of the 100 points possible. “200 points out of 100 points possible?” he asks himself. “How can that be?” 

So he calls the licensing board and they tell him: “You see sir, you received 50 points for taking the engine apart perfectly, 50 points for putting the engine back perfectly, and 100 EXTRA points for doing it all through the exhaust.”

Might get worse? Might? There are two times when you NEVER argue with a woman. When you are right and when you are wrong. And in those situations when you find you are right? Apologize immediately.

That’s actually a pretty good strategy.

And yet, the sentence says nothing.

When you give everything over to God, the comfort you feel is indescribable.

This is the absolute truth. I’m sorry. The protesters in MN are wrong. The protesters of ICE everywhere are wrong. You are standing in the way of lawful law enforcement officers doing their jobs.  You can tell me all about the “good ones” who are not causing trouble, who are hard working, just looking for a better life. That’s great, then why didn’t they come here the right way? The legal way? Why didn’t they take advantage of the offer to self deport and get in line when it was offered to them. Why did they choose to break the law. See, that’s the key. They are still breaking the law. But, more importantly, why are this leftist bleeding hearts protecting the rapists, the murderers, the drug dealers? Why are their lives more important than yours and mine? Why are they insisting on spending your money and my money to support these people? I don’t have a lot of money, do you?

How many of these protested for these people pictured above when they were brutalized by these same people they are now trying to protect?  How many?  

So, admit it out loud. Rapist, murders, child traffickers, and drug dealers are more important to you than any of the people pictured above. More important to you than your own brothers and sisters, your own sons and daughters. Go ahead and say it. I dare you.

Oh, one more thing…if the protesters weren’t there, then the agents would have been able to do their jobs and NONE of this other crap would have taken place, so you tell me who’s to blame.

Many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.


This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.


This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father’s wife.


To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.


My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.


For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow’s grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.


Father’s wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter’s son.


My wife is now my mother’s mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She’s my grandma too.


If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.


For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!!

A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana.

The fire department was called to put the fire out, but it proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle so someone suggested that a nearby volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt that they would be of any help, the call was made.

The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated, old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and, to everyone’s surprise, stopped right in the middle of the flames.

The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.

The farmer was so impressed with the their work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented them with a check for $1,000.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

“That should be obvious,” he responded. “The first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck.”

And that’s it my friends. 

Looks like we are in for another furlough…short lived as it may be … at least that is what they are saying today, which is Saturday. I guess we’ll find out on Monday when we go in to sign the paperwork. Pray for us government employees. I know some of us are still recovering from the LAST one.

But until next time…