Dragon Laffs #1528

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Campers

A lot of you have asked me when my hip surgery is going to be and a lot of you noticed that I wasn’t as verbose last week as I normally am.  Well, they are both connected.

I was hoping to have my surgery on the 6th of March or at worst on the 13th.  Well, as it worked out, because I’ve had so many steroid shots in my back over the last several months trying to find out and fix my pain problem, my blood work came back screwed up and the surgeon said that he wanted to wait a month and test my blood again.  So that puts me out into April at the earliest.

Now, I know that I’ve been dealing with pain for several years now, although never this bad, so what’s another month or so?  But, when you have possible relief in sight for something that’s been going on for years…well, you know what I mean.

But, I’m going to do my very best to pull myself out of the doldrums and put a good face on things and in that vein…
Let's Laugh 2554

I had a joke right here…in this spot…that just disappeared just as Lethal’s Wednesday issue published.  Now, that’s some damn fine magic to make a joke disappear because he had already used it.

Now, why can’t he use that power on politicians?

9r

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dear

Hi Guys,

        I need some help. I know quite a bit about anatomy, but, I saw a report on the news and again in the paper that has me a little stumped.  What the hell is a woman’s “Yet”?  In the report they both said the same thing: “A woman was shot and they haven’t been able to get the bullet out of her “Yet”?  Any ideas?
Signed,
Non-anatomical Paul
Dear Non-anti,
          I’m really surprised that, as a retired Fireman and married to our dear Ginny, that you don’t know what a woman’s “Yet” is.  Have you never seen the cartoon where you eat at the Y?  Here’s an example of one:
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 So, you know what the Y is and the et is just short hand for eat.  So, a woman’s “Yet” is pretty obvious.  And I can understand completely why it would be so difficult to get a bullet out of there, because it’s so damn hard to get in to a woman’s yet under any circumstances.
Signed,
Impish Dragon
Our esteemed Lethal Leprechaun has also honored Paul with an answer to his question…
As the residing Dr. of Quackery for DL/LL Digital Media I am well acquainted with the location of a woman’s Yet.
 
The term they used is a pidgin variation of the colloquialism ‘Yeti’ This refers to the Pubic area hair of certain females whom due to their racial heritage and genetic tendencies are hirsute to the extreme. These women are usually described by
single males while alone as ‘She was as hairy as a damned Yeti’  We’re talking a bush so dense and rough that would give a DR Brushmower pause here.
 
You know the sort, it starts with the line of hair leading down from their navel (oft referred to colloquially as ‘snail tracks’) and suddenly erupts into coverage from hip bone to hip bone and continuing down and around well up their butt cleft and down the inside of their upper thighs as well. In general it tends to be as thick, dense and wiry as the European Hedge Rows that were such a problem for tanks during WWII. Basically you’d have an easier time getting through a field of brambles.  Nothing penetrates, it’s nearly impossible to cut, it laughs at depilatories (Nair) or waxing and if you lose something in it it might well be lost for eternity.
 
Once you know and understand this condition its easy to see why the bullet has yet to be removed as they probably need a metal detector to locate it and several Combat Medics who’ve spent considerable time in South East Asian Jungles (Yets tend to be very humid, damp and swampy just like those jungles) in order to retrieve the bullet, assuming that the lady in questions Yet is of a mind to allow it to be found much less give it up.
 
That’s my Professional Quack’s opinion and I’m sticking to it.
Well, there you have it.  Two professional opinions that gave you the exact same answer from two completely different directions.

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So yes, I changed the wording a little bit but I think it’s a lot more fun this way.

If you’ve ever been associated with airplanes at all, you probably know what a “bird strike” is.  It’s when an aircraft in flight, comes in contact with a bird.  This normally means the bird is swallowed up by the engine which can cause the engine lots of problems.  Up to and including complete destruction.  Aircraft engines are much more delicate than you might think.

Anyway…

I’ve been involved in some bird strikes that would curl your hair.  But I’ve NEVER even heard of anything like this!

15So, if the picture is too small for you to read, I’ve translated it for you here:
Authorities say an American Eagle flight struck a deer while taking off from the Charlotte, North Carolina, international airport, forcing it to turn around and abort a flight to Gulfport, Mississippi.  The Federal Aviation Administration said in a statement that the pilot of Flight 5320 declared an emergency shortly before 1200 EST Wednesday.  American Airlines spokeswoman Katy Cody said the aircraft was leaking fuel as a result of the deer strike.  TV stations showed damage to one of the right front wing flaps of the CR1700 jet, and emergency personnel
sprayed foam on the aircraft as a precaution.  No injuries were reported.  The 44 passengers aboard the flight deplaned by stairs onto the tarmac and were seen boarding buses to return to the terminal.
Well, I wasn’t able to find any video of it happening, but I did find a video of it returning to the airport and the conversation between the pilot and air traffic control.

 

 

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Freddy Kruger Lives!!!!!

With Monday being President’s day, this joke is extra-special funny.

          I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, “What day is tomorrow?”
Without skipping a beat she said, “It’s Presidents Day!”
She’s smart, so I asked her, “What does Presidents Day mean?”  I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush, Trump, or even Clinton or one of our more historical Presidents.
She replied, “Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the Whitehouse, and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of Bullshit.”
You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

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Dragon Pix

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I’m not sure if it’s Christmas time or not with this picture…or if that is mistletoe hanging from the top or not, but I do remember I was pretty drunk at the time this picture was taken.

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A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch. A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he’s had enough.
The bartender said, “I’ve got to ask you — what’s with the pocket business?”
The man replied, “I have my ex and her lawyer’s picture in there. When they start to look honest, I’ve had enough!”    

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Critter

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1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
 
2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.
 
3. The dot over the letter “i” is called a tittle.
 
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
 
5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
 
6. A duck’s quack doesn’t echo. No one knows why.
 
7. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2″ by 3-1/2″.
 
8. During the chariot scene in “Ben Hur,” a small red car can be seen in the distance (and Heston’s wearing a watch).
 
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! (That explains a few mysteries… .)
 
10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.
 
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
 
12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564, 000.
 
13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.
 
14. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before.
 
15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
 
16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Who was the sadist who discovered this??)
 
17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That’s the opposite of the norm.
 
18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen’ s “Born in the USA.”
 
19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
 
20. The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. This is not necessarily true…but I can’t say that it’s definitely NOT true.
 
21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
 
22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
 
23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.
 
24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
 
25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
 
26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
 
27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, “Elementary, my dear Watson.”
 
28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing!
 
29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
 
30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.
 
31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
 
32. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!
Distraction (2)
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What song does this make reference to?  See the answer below, then let me know in the comments whether you got it or not.

One friend was talking with another friend about his cousin who recently passed away. ”By the time cousin Jack died he had a transplanted heart, a plastic hip joint, a plastic leg and a plastic arm.” ”Where did they bury him?”’ ”Duh – they didn’t bury him, he was recycled!”

LOL.  That’s going to be me some day.

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Fantasy

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Just from the pictures, World of War Craft seems like a cool game.  If I had some extra time I might just enjoy playing….lol…extra time.  That’s a laugh.  Actually, it’s an oxymoron…like jumbo shrimp and military intelligence.

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Distraction Answer

Live at the Capital Centre, March 1977

Jackson Browne originally began writing “Take It Easy” in 1971 for his own eponymous debut album but was having difficulty finishing the song. His friend and then-neighbor Glenn Frey had heard an early version and later asked Browne about it. Browne then played the unfinished second verse that begins with “Well, I’m a-standin’ on a corner in Winslow, Arizona…”, and Frey finished the verse with “It’s a girl, my lord, in a flatbed Ford, slowin’ down to take a look at me.”[6] Browne was very happy with the result and suggested that they co-write the song.[7] The resulting song became the first track on the Eagles’ debut album and was released as their first single.

Browne told a version of the story in a radio interview: “I knew Glenn Frey from playing these clubs – we kept showing up at the same clubs and singing on the open-mic nights. Glenn happened to come by to say ‘hi,’ and to hang around when I was in the studio, and I showed him the beginnings of that song, and he asked if I was going to put it on my record and I said it wouldn’t be ready in time. He said ‘well, we’ll put it on, we’ll do it,’ ’cause he liked it,” Browne explained. “But it wasn’t finished, and he kept after me to finish it, and finally offered to finish it himself. And after a couple of times when I declined to have him finish my song, I said, ‘all right.’ I finally thought, ‘This is ridiculous. Go ahead and finish it. Do it.’ And he finished it in spectacular fashion. And, what’s more, arranged it in a way that was far superior to what I had written.

And of course….the lyrics:

“Take It Easy”

Well, I’m running down the road 
tryin’ to loosen my load 
I’ve got seven women on 
my mind, 
Four that wanna own me, 
Two that wanna stone me, 
One says she’s a friend of mine 
Take It easy, take it easy 
Don’t let the sound of your own wheels 
drive you crazy 
Lighten up while you still can 
don’t even try to understand 
Just find a place to make your stand 
and take it easy 
Well, I’m a standing on a corner 
in Winslow, Arizona 
and such a fine sight to see 
It’s a girl, my Lord, in a flatbed 
Ford slowin’ down to take a look at me 
Come on, baby, don’t say maybe 
I gotta know if your sweet love is 
gonna save me 
We may lose and we may win though 
we will never be here again 
so open up, I’m climbin’ in, 
so take it easy 
Well I’m running down the road trying to loosen 
my load, got a world of trouble on my mind 
lookin’ for a lover who won’t blow my 
cover, she’s so hard to find 
Take it easy, take it easy 
don’t let the sound of your own 
wheels make you crazy 
come on baby, don’t say maybe 
I gotta know if your sweet love is 
gonna save me, oh oh oh 
Oh we got it easy 
We oughta take it easy

 

One of my favorite songs of all time….and the original picture set this all off.

So, did you get it right?

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Okay, I want a redo!  This is bullshit!  Read this:
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I’m over age 55 and dammit, I want my happiness!  It’s gonna take forever for them to legalize marijuana in Indiana!  I’ll be the only ancient blue dragon standing in line at the head-shop.  Unfair!

Motivational

Okay!  Okay!  Enough!  I can hear you grumbling in the back rows!  I take it back!  I’ve never been happier in my whole life!  There, are you happy?  Yeah, pun intended.

Caffeine

Hell, I’m not even functioning until I’ve had my 12th cup.

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Another fine example of the security here at DL&LL Enterprises.

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Okay, so I’m sorry, but it had to happen sooner or later…
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Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.. The waiter came and took their drink order.

‘I would like a Sprite,’ said the first little piggy.

‘I would like a Coke,’ said the second little piggy.

‘I want beer, lots and lots of beer,’ said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner

‘I want a nice big steak,’ said the first piggy..

‘I would like the salad plate,’ said the second piggy.

‘I want beer, lots and lots of beer,’ said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

‘I want a banana split,’ said the first piggy.

‘I want a cheesecake,’ said the second piggy.

‘I want beer, lots and lots of beer,’ exclaimed the third little piggy.

‘Pardon me for asking,’ said the waiter to the third little piggy,’ But why have you only ordered beer all evening?’

The third piggy says – ‘Well, somebody has to go ‘Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

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A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. “Mommy,” she said, “can we leave now?”
“No” her mother replied.
“Well, I think I’m gonna be sick, Momma!”
“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush.”
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. “Were you sick?” her mom asked.
“Yes.”
“How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?”
“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, ‘For the Sick’.”


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That explains everything!!!

The preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church.
“Good morning, Jonathan,” the preacher said as he reached out to shake Jonathan’s hand.  As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan’s hand. “What’s this?” the preacher asked.
“Money,” said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, “It’s for you!”
“I don’t want to take your money, Jonathan,” the preacher answered.
“I want you to have it,” said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, “My daddy says you’re the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you.”

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Political

This is turning into one of the largest issues I’ve ever put together.  It’s amazing what you can do from your couch when you spend most of the week sick as a dog.  I just hope it doesn’t overload the server when I go to upload it.  I guess we’ll find out.

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Yeah, and just try to explain that to the cops.

Okay, so let’s give one more section a try and we’ll call it an issue:

Signs

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And that, dear friends, is that.  May you have a wonderful weekend and be well till we meet again.

Cheers Impish

Posted in Uncategorized | 7 Comments

Leprechaun Laughs #380 for Wednesday Feb 22nd 2017

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Owning to a serious incident Monday here at Keebler Towers I am uploading this issue ‘as is’ as I do not have any additional time to devote to it as we deal with the aftermath. I’d rather this be unpolished &/or not quite up to my usual standards than not at all.

I hope you’ll understand, my wife and my family will always come first and right now that is where my attention needs to be focused.

Lethal

Let's Roll - 55

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Or put another way…

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Sign me up for the (hic!) product trials!

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SIGH! So very very true here at Keebler Towers.  I’ve bought from 3 different client’s daughters now, all Thin Mints (2 boxes each) then Molly came home last Thursday and told me a co-workers daughter was selling Girl Scout Cookies so she bought me 2 boxes.

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NOW we’re talking!

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Unless it’s Girl Scout Cookies of course!

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NEVER LIE TO YOUR RABBI

At Friday night services, Morris goes to his friend Irving and says, “I need a favor.  I’m sleeping with the Rabbi’s wife.  Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?”
Irving is not very fond of the idea, but being Morris’ lifelong friend, he reluctantly agrees.
After services, he strikes up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions – just to keep him occupied.
After some time the wise Rabbi becomes suspicious and asks, “Irving what are you really up to?”
Irving, filled with deep feelings of guilt and remorse confesses to the Rabbi, “I’m sorry, Rabbi.  My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied.”
The Rabbi smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Irving’s shoulder and says, “You’d probably better hurry home, Irving.  My wife died two years ago!!!”

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A Farmer Schools a Lawyer

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company’s fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde.

“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,’?” asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the…”

“I didn’t ask for any details”, the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?”

Clyde said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road….”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie”.

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, “How are you feeling?”

“Now tell me, what WOULD you say!?”

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A golden eagle grabs a flying drone during a military training exercise at Mont-de-Marsan French Air Force base, Southwestern France, February 10, 2017. REUTERS/Regis Duvignau  Well at least we know French Eagles don’t surrender!

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If this NASA scientist isn’t wrong, 2017’s got 3 days left!

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Hug your loved ones, your pups, your kitties and even your closest enemies. There might be something from outer space that is on its way to destroy us. Even more ironic, it’s literally named after the year it was discovered. 2016.

It might be 2017, but I kid you not, 2016 it still out to get you and mess you up a little more.

True story.

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According to Dr. Joseph Nuth of NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Centre, an ‘extinction-level’ event, much like the meteor that killed the dinosaurs, is headed our way. Discovered back in December of 2016, they’ve decided to name the unknown object (they’re still not sure if it’s a comet or a meteor) 2016 WF9.

Thanks again 2016. Like you weren’t enough of an asshole to take Bowie, Prince, Princess Leia and everyone else.

Just die already 2016!

And while you’re thinking, ‘ok, they’ve spotted it, they must be coming up with something,’ you’re wrong. Start preparing for the end because the date that NASA predicts the mysterious object will be coming to earth is February 25th.

So we’re going to join the dinosaurs and the earth might just be wiped clean.

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The worst part of it is that there’s nothing we can do about it at the moment. With the space program on hold and no viable ways of getting people out into space safely to, let’s say, blow it up, there’s no way to prevent it from hitting us. We could task Space-X or Virgin Galactic to do something, but with the discovery happening in December, and the estimated date of the extinction event to be in less than a month, no one can do anything that quick.

There’s no giant lasers, or oil drilling astronauts with cool ships and a rocking soundtrack. There’s nothing.

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On one hand, there’s two glimmers of hope, so don’t quite panic yet. The first is that while NASA’s calling this an ‘extinction-level’ event on the same scale as the dinosaurs, there’s a strong chance that it’ll pass us by and miss us by 32 million miles. So we’ve got that going for us.

The other thing he’s suggested is that this meteor flyby thing happens pretty often and he suggests we should just have one rocket on standby, waiting in the eventuality that we’re going to have to shoot something out of the sky before it kills us. He says he’s proposed this to NASA and the government. But with our luck, we’ll get someone to try to build a wall to space or some shit like that.

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On the other hand, however, there’s some who believe that we’re being lied to to avoid panic and we are indeed, gonna get smushed.

Self-proclaimed Russian astronomer Dr. Dyomin Damir Zakharovich, has been tracking the object and he says that instead of missing us, it’s going to hit us and cause a mega-tsunami.

This is where things get a little sketchy, though. Zakharovich believes in the Nibiru Cataclysm, the conspiracy theory that claims there’s a planet called Nibiru or Planet X that will either collide with us, or send an object to collide with us, in the 21st Century, and end all life on earth. You can read more about the theory in the link above, but he claims that it’s true.

He says that we’re all in peril and since NASA can’t help us or stop it from happening, they’re going to let it just hit us and not tell anyone about it. Also, they’re lying about the date. It’s gonna take us out on the 16th of February, so you still have to buy the chocolates and flowers and shit, but maybe tell your date/one night stand that you’ll call her in two days. The world’s ending anyways, right?

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NASA refutes his claims (and those of thousands of people that call/email/write to NASA on a daily basis asking them why they keep on discounting the Nibiru theory). They’ve analyzed the object and found that it’s a dark object that’s somewhere between 0.3 and 0.6 miles across. They know its trajectory and know that it will most definitely miss us (they think). And while it appears to resemble a comet, as far as its reflectivity and its orbit, it doesn’t have the signature dust and gas cloud that a comet would have.

In short, they know something is coming, they just don’t know what. But they’re certain it won’t hit us. Probably.

So depending on how you feel about conspiracies, government agencies and space in general, maybe arm yourself with the knowledge that the world might, or might not end, and conduct yourself accordingly.

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Impish was depressed over his track record with female relationships (then again what man isn’t?) and went to seek advice from his buddy & pal Lethal.

After listening to Impish lament his failures over Brown Gold and Bailey’s for about 15 minutes  Lethal told Impish he knew exactly what Impish’s problem was and how to explain it simply to him.

He took a piece of printer paper and quickly drew this diagram for Impish:

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Speaking of Impish, here’s a peek at the $2500 refurbishment of his “Little Dragon’s Room” he just had to have:

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Now, I cast no aspersions, but I understand the round mirrors are two sided and the magnifying side faces out.

Just saying shouldn’t there should be a little brass warning sign on the wall- “Object in the mirror(S) may be smaller than they appear.”?

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You know how some lawyers chase ambulances? Well these guys chase cops.

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Damn it Impish! I told you- stay out of my fridge!  NO you CANNOT borrow some of my  “lettuce”.   Now shut the damned door you’re wilting my $50s.

YOU’RE BLOODY WELL DAMNED RIGHT I LET WEDNESDAY RAID MY FRIDGE!

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And if you cant see why and understand it you’re not only blind your daft as well!

NO IMPISH! You CANNOT  just raid Wednesday instead either!

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Dang! That guy’s got serious talent!

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Excellent idea! Think I’ll customize a couple of these for Impish, Molly & I.

Bet I could make a serious buck selling those things too!

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Let me give you a hint Impish, if life sounds like a bus, then it’s definitely trying to run your big blue butt over.

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Sonic Drive-In, Rio Grande Valley Texas style.

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New “Todays Exam,” you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.

[No scrolling down for the answers until you answer them all]

1) How long did the Hundred Years’ War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI’s first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below.

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI’s first name? Albert

8 ) What color is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)

What do you mean, you failed?

Me, too! [ I managed 3 correct from playing a lot of Trivial Pursuit]

(And if you try to tell me you passed, you is fibbin)

 

!cid_1EE572E9-2FAF-4F08-B566-407C33545E20

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Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1527

Dragon Laffs 1

Good Morning Campers,

It’s been a very long, very hard week.  I don’t know about you guys, but I’m really ready.  So, without any further ado…

 

Let's Laugh

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The following questions were set in last year’s GED examination These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) GED is Government Equivalency Diploma. (Actually, GED stands for General Educational Development)
 
Q. Name the four seasons A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
 
Q. How is dew formed A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
 
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
 
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
 
Q. What are steroids A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
 
Q… What happens to your body as you age A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
 
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
 
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes A.. Premature death
 
Q. What is artificial insemination A… When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
 
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour A.. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
 
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen) A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (wtf!)
 
Q. What is the fibula? A.. A small lie
 
Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean? A.. Nearby
 
Q. What is the most common form of birth control A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work)
 
Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’ A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
 
Q. What is a seizure? A.. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
 
Q. What is a terminal illness A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
 
Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean? A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
 
Q. What is a turbine? A.. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. (now we’re getting somewhere)
I am appalled!  If it was even close to true, I’d be flabbergasted as well.
2535

 

 

Speaking of cows, this is either a new twist on an old joke or an old twist on a new joke.  I’m not really sure.  And that’s because my head really isn’t in the game today, but let’s have fun anyway, shall we?

Bud the Montana Cowboy   

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd  in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when  suddenly a brand-new 2015 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The  driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and  YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly  how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?” 

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a  yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure,  why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his  Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple i phone, and surfs to a NASA  page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on  his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area  in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo  in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg,  Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his  Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then  accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with  email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a  response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color,  150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the  cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take  one of my calves,” says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the  animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk  of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I  can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?” 

The young man thinks about it for a second  and then says, “Okay, why not?” 

“You’re a Congressman for the  U.S. Government”, says Bud.   

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but  how did you guess that?” 

“No  guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though  nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a  question I never asked. You used millions of dollars’ worth of equipment trying  to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know shit about  how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a  herd of sheep.” 

“Now give me back my dog.”

AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.  

And I’m said to say that it probably isn’t going to get any better any time soon.  Even with the right person (of the two we had to choose from) in office, and a majority in both houses, there are still way too many people in charge who have no idea how REAL people live, what our problems are, what we need….etc.  But, we can always hope.  Or move to a cave, some where.

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dragon pix

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One of my brothers, Rodney Red, got this cool gig posing for this travel agency.  He is now the poster child for Dragon Mountain.  It’s a pretty good gig.  Keeps him out of trouble.

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I read that, by law, you have to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden…
How the hell am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
I always just look at my Weather Bug app on my phone, change the location to Sweden, check the weather and then I know if I have to put on my headlights or not.

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movie

Did you know that Google Maps just celebrated its 11th birthday? This YouTube video is comprised of 3,305 screenshots from Google Earth. It looks like a sped-up helicopter tour of our beautiful planet. Is your favorite city included in the roundup? Watch for a magnificent view of several international landmarks.

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner? 
Here  is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can  be found by posing the following question: 

You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you…

You are carrying  a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your  family.

What do you do?

THINK  CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL  DOWN:

Which of the following most closely matches your answer?


Democrat’s Answer:

  • Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question!
  • What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?
  • Does the man look poor or oppressed?
  • Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?
  • Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
  • Could we run away?
  • What does my wife think?
  • What about the kids?
  • Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
  • What does the law say about this situation?
  • Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
  • Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
  • Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me?
  • Does he definitely want to kill me, or would  he be content just to wound me?
  • If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing  me?
  • Should I call 9-1-1?
  • Why is this street so deserted?
  • We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.
  • Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior?
  • I  need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
  • This is all so confusing!

Republican’s Answer:

BANG!

Southerner’s  Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!  BANG!

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Click….. (Sounds of reloading)

BANG!  BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG!

BANG!

BANG!

Click

Daughter: ‘Nice grouping, Daddy!’  ‘Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!

Son: ‘Can I shoot the next one?!’

Wife: ‘You ain’t taking that to the Taxidermist!

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This is an old joke that has been around for a long time…but it is funny as hell, and if you have never seen it, then you are in for a treat.

A Hell of a Test

The following is an actual bonus question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by an exceptional young man.  The answer by this student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
 
Bonus Question:  Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat). 
 
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.  
 
One student, however, wrote the following: 
 
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. We need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.  
 
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not ever leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions in the world today. Most religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
 
 
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
 
 
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
 
This gives two possibilities: 
 
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 
 
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
 
So which is it? 
 
If we accept the postulate given to me by Louise during my Freshman year that ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus, I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
 
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore, extinct…..leaving only Heaven,  thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Louise kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’  
 
This student received an A+. 

2543

And here’s a great golf joke especially for my dad.

Golfing in Heaven

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven.
 
Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen.
 
St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don’t hit the ducks during your first three months here.
 
The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, “The ducks?

“Yes”, St. Peter replies, “There are thousands of ducks walking around the course, and if one gets hit, he quacks, then the one next to him quacks and soon they’re all quacking to beat the band It really breaks the tranquility, and if you hit one of the ducks, you’ll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy.
Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacks, the one next to it quacked and soon here was a deafening roar of duck quacks.
 
St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, “Who hit the duck? The guy who had done it admitted, “I did. St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand. “I told you not to hit the
ducks,”, he said. Now you’ll be handcuffed together for
eternity.The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman.

He cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand. “I told you not to hit the ducks,” he said; “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.” The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even play for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months, he still hadn’t hit a duck.

St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months, and had with him a knock-out, gorgeous woman – the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled at the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.
 
The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and said aloud, “I wonder what I did to deserve this?
 
The woman responds, “I don’t know about you, but I hit a duck.”
2544

 

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A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained about the current prices compared to the low prices in the good old days.

“Just act surprised and tell them you didn’t think that they were old enough to remember them.”
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Does it surprise anybody that the boat is based out of Jersey?

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motivational

CaffeineIrish Special ForcesMondaymondaysmondays2Money

2552

There should be one line at every store for people who have their shit together.

Groan

You are going to hate yourself after this one…or you’re going to hate me, one or the other.

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day.
Sid asks Abe, “Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico ?”
Abe replies,”I don’t know, let’s ask our waiter.”

When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, “Are there any Mexican Jews?”

 
The waiter says, “I don’t know senor, I ask the cooks.
He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, “No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews.”
 
Abe isn’t satisfied and asks, “Are you absolutely sure?”
 
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with “Gringos” replies, “I check once again, senor,” and goes back into the kitchen.
 
While the waiter is away, Si d says, “I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico . Our people are scattered everywhere.”
 
The waiter returns and says, “Senor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews.”
 
“Are you certain?” Abe asks again. “I just can’t believe there are no Mexican Jews!”
 
“Senor, I ask EVERYONE,” replies the exasperated waiter.  “All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews, but no Mexican Jews.”
I warned you.
2553

That’s it for today my friends..

CheersImpish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Leprechaun Laughs # 379 for Wednesday Feb 15th 2017

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Well the groundhog apparently knew what he was talking about, at least that is for the Northern half the country, particularly in the Northeast.  No sooner  had he prognosticated 6 more weeks of winter, than they get hit by 3 snow events in 4 day and one of those a blizzard, and mind you not the kind you get from DQ! Last night and today will see them getting some additional snow on top od all that.

I’m guessing that Phil Groundhog Steak sandwiches are on more than on menu list in the Northeast.

Mean while here in Texas the story is more like this:

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We’ve broken high temp records twice in the last 10 days and our temp seems like its fond of bungee jumping.

ANYWAY I’m late finishing this up, behind on  a ton of the ‘real word’ business work and stuff I have to do to pay something Molly calls ‘the bills’, so I’ll let you get to it.

Skate

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ONLY 12 cups? Pfffht! Amateur!

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As if that isn’t bad enough its Maxwell House swill besides!

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Oh SURE! He doesn’t remember anything else without constant reminders, but he can remember I said that to him!

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…or talks about sports teams-

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Woman who wrote brutal obit says she meant every word

Friday, February 10, 2017 10:17PM

GALVESTON COUNTY (KTRK) —

An obituary for a Galveston County man has gone viral, but not because of the kind words written about his life.
ORIGINAL REPORT: Galveston man’s obituary: ‘his life served no obvious purpose’

“I told the truth. I am not sorry for telling the truth, and I am not sorry for standing up for myself,” explained Sheila Smith.

Smith’s father, Leslie Ray Charping, died of cancer last month. But he wasn’t a good man. He served time in prison and was, by several accounts, both physically and verbally abusive. So, Smith wrote a scathing obituary for her father, calling him evil and offensive.

“For someone that knew him and family members that knew him and to see something on there was a complete lie would’ve been an insult to everyone that he did bad things to,” Smith explained. “I couldn’t write that in good conscience because it’s not going to bring closure to anyone or to myself.”

The obituary has been so popular it even crashed the funeral home’s website.
Smith has received thousands of positive and negative reactions.

“When you don’t talk about it and you don’t acknowledge the problem even exists, it just grows,” she said. “It’s not going to stop until people say, ‘this is a problem’ and they talk about it.

In case you were wondering, Smith is paying for her father’s cremation.
Charping didn’t have any insurance.

You can read the obituary here:

Leslie Ray “Popeye” Charping was born in Galveston on November 20, 1942 and passed away January 30, 2017, which was 29 years longer than expected and much longer than he deserved. Leslie battled with cancer in his latter years and lost his battle, ultimately due to being the horses ass he was known for. He leaves behind 2 relieved children; a son Leslie Roy Charping and daughter, Shiela Smith along with six grandchildren and countless other victims including an ex wife, relatives, friends, neighbors, doctors, nurses and random strangers.

At a young age, Leslie quickly became a model example of bad parenting combined with mental illness and a complete commitment to drinking, drugs, womanizing and being generally offensive. Leslie enlisted to serve in the Navy, but not so much in a brave & patriotic way but more as part of a plea deal to escape sentencing on criminal charges. While enlisted, Leslie was the Navy boxing champion and went on to sufficiently embarrass his family and country by spending the remainder of his service in the Balboa Mental Health Hospital receiving much needed mental healthcare services.

Leslie was surprisingly intelligent, however he lacked ambition and motivation to do anything more than being reckless, wasteful, squandering the family savings and fantasizing about get rich quick schemes. Leslie’s hobbies included being abusive to his family, expediting trips to heaven for the beloved family pets and fishing, which he was less skilled with than the previously mentioned. Leslie’s life served no other obvious purpose, he did not contribute to society or serve his community and he possessed no redeeming qualities besides quick whited sarcasm which was amusing during his sober days.

With Leslie’s passing he will be missed only for what he never did; being a loving husband, father and good friend. No services will be held, there will be no prayers for eternal peace and no apologies to the family he tortured. Leslie’s remains will be cremated and kept in the barn until “Ray”, the family donkey’s wood shavings run out. Leslie’s passing proves that evil does in fact die and hopefully marks a time of healing and safety for all.

Charping also had a handful of run-ins with the law, according to Harris County court records. His first conviction dates back to 1979, when he pleaded guilty to assault.

He also pleaded guilty in 2008 to assaulting a family member by pouring hot liquid on his then-wife of 40 years. The next year he pleaded guilty to violating the resulting restraining order by calling another family member and threatening to kill her.

ALL in all it seems he’s is (was) proof of the fact that only the good die young. The evil (as well apparently as Chuck Norris) seeming live for ever (abet for different reasons- Death is just scared to tell Chuck he’s dead)

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Really wish I had had this next one for last weeks “It’s Not About Left or Right, It’s About Right or Wrong” section, it would have made a great ending thought graphic.

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Liberals are brainwashing your children in school. To combat this Conservatives are apparently trying to get to the children first-

 

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Molly’s family and Facebook must be chock full of “news-aggregators then.

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and here’s the dumb shit now!

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couples_that_prank_together_stay_together_28photos12_1486422666

hilarious_ikea_fails_we_can_all_relate_to_18photos3_1486421823

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Well that’s all for this week folks! See you next time.

Shenanigator

 

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Happy Birthday Diaman!

happy-birthday-balloons-1403407

Today is Diaman’s birthday!  We want her to know that we haven’t forgotten her, that we haven’t ignored her and that we wish her the very best of happy days.

You are in our hearts and our thoughts.  Have a great day.

Posted in Uncategorized | 8 Comments