Leprechaun Laughs #309 for Wednesday July 29th 2015

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As you approach the Conference Room you can clearly hear Impish bellowing angrily, “Don’t hand me that ‘I’m sorry Impish but I don’t know where he’s gone off to’ crap! I swear you tell me that one more time and you’ll find yourself on my lunch menu! That Green Garden Gnome shorted my pay check 25% and I’m damned well going to speak with him about it and right about now I don’t care whose dead body it takes to accomplish it Friday, yours included. I’m too busy with my other real life concerns to have to pay attention to this.”

<SNICK!…ZZOT! wizz… ZOT!… wizz…ZOT!…sizzle…SNICK…hisss>

OW! SHIT! That HURT! What the hell was that! Ewww! What’s that nasty smell? OH. MUH. GAWD! Where are my forelimb claws?”

You can hear but not make out a soft spoken feminine voice speaking low but pointedly to Impish for a few seconds then Impish speaking again, abet in much different tone.

“Friday I’m very sorry I’ve made you angry, I very much regret having spoken to you in that tone and manner. You are quite right I really don’t need both you and Lethal mad at me and the thought of you as my enemy does give me cause for concern. It’s just that I have so much going on right now in my other life… “ (you hear Friday say something softly interrupting Impish’s litany of excuses for his behavior but can’t make it out.)IT IS NOT A DELUSION OR POINTLESS BULLSHIT! Even if it was, Lethal has no right to reduce my salary without prior notice. If funds are that tight that we’re both taking salary hits to pay the rest of the employees, I understand but I should have been informed face to face or at least gotten a memo….”

(You hear Friday interrupt him again but can’t make out the words. Then again maybe you don’t need to as Impish has seems to have suddenly become a parrot.)

“Clause 44, Subparagraph 5 of my contract? Allows for docking my pay when I’m excessively goldbricking for a prolonged period of time? Graduated scale? Delayed invoking it? Seriously?! Behavior  going all the way back to my intervention?! RETROACTIVE?!

Look I know my rights according to our Partnership Contract and I say we are in disagreement and I DEMAND an IMMEADIATE Partners Meeting! Now you get your brainy buxom self where ever the hell it is you have to go and get that little Green Gold mongering Gremlin on the horn and tell him he is DAMN WELL TAKING MY CALL!”

<SNICK!…ZZOT! wizz… ZOT!… wizz…ZOT!…sizzle…SNICK…hisss>

“OW! #$&*! MY HORNS! YOU SHORTENED MY HORNS!” <Wizz…wizz…sizzle> “TERRANCE! You just going to stand there with your mouth open while she carves me up?”

“Sorry Boss but one, I never actually saw her move and two, I’m paralyzed with either a serious case of laser saber envy or fear I can’t tell which. Besides she did warn you not to speak to her in that tone again or you’d suffer the consequences. Well you did it anyway and I see about 3 inches of consequences on the floor still smoking as proof she’s serious, to say nothing of damned fast. As in way faster than I am. On top of which I’m pretty sure Trolls don’t regenerate damage done by one of those and I’m in no particular hurry to learn if I’m right or wrong.”

<sizzle…SNICK…hisss> Again Friday speaks so softly the conversation is unintelligible but this time you can detect a certain level of distain in her vocal cadence.

“He Skypes with you using one time IP proxies?I knew he’d never completely turn his back on the place, in fact I counted on it! But how does he know when to start a session? How does he know you need to talk to him? You write him a note? GREAT! Where do you send it? You walk around with it? Friday is your corset too tight? That’s the most insane thing I’ve ever…NO! NO! NO! I’m SORRY! There is NO NEED for the laser saber to make another appearance PLEASE! Come on, even you have to admit that is the craziest thing… you can prove it? HOW? What are you writing there? A note for me? What does it say?

‘I’m demanding an immediate Partners Meeting so I can whine and bitch about my pay cut and you’re not being here to pull my slack?’ How about we just go with “Lethal I want to talk with you NOW!?’ Not as likely to work as if I’m being humiliatingly honest with myself? SIGH! OK. What do I do with it? Wear one on my chest and back and go the long way back to my office? You’re kidding right?”

<SNICK!…ZZOT! wizz…>  NO! NO! NO! I’m SORRY! There is NO NEED for the laser saber to make another appearance PLEASE! <sizzle…SNICK…hisss>   Geeze! What’s the deal? Are you PMSing or something? Channeling Lethal’s aggression toward me when I frustrate him? Trying to get rid of me? WHY? Start the issue? What iss…OH! Umm…there is a conference room full of people behind me isn’t there? Been there through most of this haven’t they? Uhhh…guess good thing I’m taking the long way back. Think I’ll start now.

Let’s go Terrance you big laser pussy! I guess you’d better tape those signs on me before we go too.

Now pay attention when Lethal calls, here is what we’re going to do, there is more than one way to locate that miserly little shoe elf…”

Impish and Terrance disappear off stage in the direction of the freight elevator. Once gone Friday looks at you people and spreads her hand apologetically, smiles and clicks some control on the podium before exiting herself as the lights dim.

Opening Logo 5

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Always liked that Inigo Montoya guy! He really understands what is important in life, family, a good weapon you have serious mad skillz with and an man’s coffee. Wonder if HE is available for a sidekick posting?

Slap Idiot day

Dragons and Liberals at the head of the line please and give me just a minute to don my sap glove!

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It seems as though Impish has my yacht and plane watched because he immediately calls and pawns his issue off on me or begs for help with it any time I even look like I might be leaving to get a little well deserved rest.  So here’s the Vehicle I used to sneak away leave Mr. Goldbrick responsible for business for a while before he could come up with anymore bloody excuses and bs sob stories.

The Terrafugia TF-X™

 

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Shower thoughts that’ll boggle your mind!

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See I wasn’t kidding! I know the thought of her joining you in the shower has already boggled most of the guys’ minds around here. Impish is already sporting that 1000 yard lust stare on his face.

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Canadians Version of David Letterman’s Top 10

This is so sad; we’ve gone from a proud, strong country to a laughing stock of the world.  Just makes you want to shake your head in disbelief, and, just maybe choke someone in charge.Of course we look like idiots – we are!

Canada’s Top Ten List of America ‘s Stupidity.

# 10: Only in America … could politicians talk about the greed of the rich at a $35,000.00 per plate Obama campaign fund-raising event.

 # 09: Only in America… could people claim that the government still discriminates against black Americans when they have a black President, a black Attorney General and roughly 20% of the federal workforce is black while only 14% of the population is black, 40+% of all federal entitlements goes to black Americans – 3X the rate that go to whites, 5X the rate that go to Hispanic

# 08: Only in America… could they have had the two people most responsible for our tax code, Timothy Geithner (the head of the Treasury Department) and Charles Rangel (who once ran the Ways and Means Committee), BOTH turn out to be tax cheats who are in favor of higher taxes.

# 07; Only in America… can they have terrorists kill people in the name of Allah and have the media primarily react by fretting that Muslims might be harmed by the backlash.

# 06: Only in America… would they make people who want to legally become American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege, while they discuss letting anyone who sneaks into the country illegally just ‘magically’ become American citizens. (Probably should be number one)

# 05: Only in America … could the people who believe in balancing the budget and sticking by the country’s Constitution be called EXTREMISTS

# 04: Only in America … could you need to present a driver’s license to cash a check or buy alcohol, but not to vote.

# 03: Only in America … could people demand the government investigate whether oil companies are gouging the public because the price of gas went up when the return on equity invested in a major U.S. Oil company (Marathon Oil) is less than half of a company making tennis shoes (Nike).

# 02: Only in America… could you collect more tax dollars from the people than any nation in recorded history, still spend a Trillion dollars more than it has per year – for total spending of $7 Million PER MINUTE, and complain that it doesn’t have nearly enough money.

# 01: Only in America…. could the rich people – who pay 86% of all income taxes – be accused of not paying their “fair share” by people who don’t pay any income taxes at all.

Bonus: “Only in America do you have to pass a drug test to get a pay check, yet any crack head can get their welfare check no questions asked.”

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I’m sure someone is wondering what happens if you do not abide by the Cat’s 10 Commandments. Here’s your answer-

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You heard of b-slapping? Well this is claw/paw slapping. It’s one of the reasons Impish is so scared of Ninja Cats. Speaking of the gold brick…

Impish’s ancestor?

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A new large species of raptor was uncovered in the Liaoning Province of China by a local farmer. The Liaoning Province is a hotbed for raptor fossils. This raptor has been named Zhenyuanlong suni and was about 5 feet in length. In case you want to learn a little Chinese, the ‘long’ in this raptor’s name means ‘dragon’. Scientists called it the “fluffy feathered poodle from hell.”

Now I’m not sayin’ it is and I won’t say it isn’t one of Impish’s ancestors. I’ll just point out all the blue, mention it was allegedly a rare color in mammals and dinosaurs in prehistoric eras and allow you to draw your own conclusions.

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63 Years of Math 1957-2020 In America: The evolution in teaching math since the 1950’s

1.  Teaching Math in 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2.  Teaching Math in 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3.  Teaching Math in 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80. Did he make a profit?

4.  Teaching Math in 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5.  Teaching Math in 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit
of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic
for class participation after answering the question: How did the
birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There
are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it’s ok.)

6.  Teaching Math in 2000s

If you have special needs or just feel you need assistance because of
race, color, religion, sex, age, childhood memories, criminal background,
then don’t answer and the correct answer will be provided for you.
There are no wrong answers.

7.  Teaching Math in 2020

Un hachero vende una carrtada de madera para 100 pesos. El costo de la
producciones es 80 pesos. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

 

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The Top 5 Features of a REALLY Smart Phone

5> Is able to convince the police that while YOU may be drunk,
   IT was, in fact, driving your car.

4> Can actually tell which Olsen twin is Mary Kate and which is
   Ashley.

3> Wingman App: You stammer, “Hi… umm… you’re cutely pretty.
   I mean, pretty cute.” It translates to “Your beauty has
   rendered my owner nearly speechless. You really should
   kiss him before he says something else really stupid.”

2> Refuses to let you buy a ticket to Dane Cook performances.

and The Number 1 Feature of a REALLY Smart Phone…

1> Posts a status update of “I’m the idiot on the interstate
    texting on my phone and driving!” to Facebook when, in fact,
    you are.

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British humour as it used to be : Absolutely and unapologetically politically incorrect.

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It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting in some ‘Tide’ washing powder to stop the coloureds from running.

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Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London … Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

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Following the riots in Tottenham, it’s important to remind ourselves that not all black people are stereotypical liars, thieves and arsonists.

Many are drug dealers.

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Riots in Birmingham last month caused over £1 million worth of improvements

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Muslims have gone on the rampage in Manchester, killing anyone who’s English.  Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.

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They’ve had to cancel the pantomime ‘Jack & the Beanstalk’ in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Manchester and London.  Apparently the giant couldn’t smell any Englishmen.

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Years ago it was suggested that, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”  But, since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works great!

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Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque…
They’ve told the public not to panic as they’ve managed to push it inside.

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During last night’s high winds an African family was killed by a falling tree.   A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said “We didn’t even know they were living up there”.

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Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.

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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.  How could anyone stoop so low.

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I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet.  I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it start?”

Lethals Limericks

There was a young lady named May,
Took a stroll in the park by the bay.
She met a young man,
Who fucked her and ran.
Now she goes to the park every day.

There’ a starlet who’s still in her teens
Who’s adept at removing her jeans.
And in X-rated flicks
So accomplished with pricks
That she steals all the pictures’ obscenes.

When asked to do something salacious,
She answered, “Of course not! Good gracious!”
But the sight of his tool
So induced her to drool
That her view, in the end, proved fallacious.

A myopic tree surgeon named Lee
Trapped an agile young wench in a tree.
Jeered she, “Shift your whopper,
You careless limb lopper!
That’s a moss covered knothole — not me!”

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You’re about to get up and leave when Friday’s image pops on the screen and she speaks to you:

“Lethal just sent me this video file. It appears to be from cameras in Impish’s office but I doubt Impish is aware of them. I thought since you people were held captive for the opening act of this farce you should at least get to see the comical ending to it. Enjoy!”

The screen flickers a moment and there is now a high sort of 3rd person aspect shot of Impish’s office taken from someplace behind and above him seated at his desk. Terrance walks in to Impish’s office after knocking.

“Make it fast Terrance I’ve got to go meet the witch from the property management company and turn over the keys to my former real life place, then go shopping for some curtains for the new place because the old one clash with the new wall colors and….”

“Yeah yeah yeah what ever deluded dude… uh Impish… uh Boss. Sorry. Uh..anyways I did like you said.”

“And…”

“You ain’t going to be a happy dragon sir.”

With which part?

“Uh..both?”

SAY WHAT?! You couldn’t find the location from that Skype still I took? SERIOUSLY? How is that even possible?! Hell there was even a street number in one of the photos. Lethal told me that the software had access to photographs of 97.5% of the major population centers of the world!”

“Oh I found it sir. even confirmed it. Matched it against the exact same photo online 100% identical match. That’s the problem sir, it was a 100% match which is statistically impossible. Any slight variation in camera height, position, distance from background, will all cause the match to be something less than 100% but this was a true 100% match.”

“I don’t follow, even I could tell the location was in England and someplace fairly expensive. So what’s the big deal? Gimme the location I’ll zip over grab up his green little ass take him on a flight he’ll never forget and tell him I’ll drop him if he doesn’t come up with the rest of my money and stop having this little temper tantrum of his over my having other priorities in the real world.”

“Sir as the best paralegal advice you’ll get in the absence of Lethal’s lawyerly advice might I urge you in the strongest permissible terms to stop making loud public references to this other life of yours? It’s for you own sake and with your best interests in mind I make this suggestion.

Secondly, sir the address 11 Savile Row London has nothing in common with the photo that you grabbed from the Skype session with Lethal. In short sir. you’ve been hosed, hoodwinked, short conned, taken for the fool you are, how ever you wish it phrased, Lethal has out witted you again.”

“But you said you had a 100% match! How can that be then?”

“Yes sir I said I matched the picture but not I wasn’t able to match up the location to more than 50%.”

“Terrance you’re starting to confuse me annoy me and make me late for my appointment! All this is making me PECKISH!”

“OK, let’s try this with photos instead of words sir. This is the photo from your conversation with Lethal:”

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“Right that’s the place! How hard can it be to find?”

“Sir THIS is how 11 Savile Row London appears on Google Maps taken in June of this year:

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“Well that looks nothing like the place! Are you sure that’s right?”

“Very sir. Perhaps this photo will help explain. I’m sure you’ll remember this one. If you’ll just take a moment to compare it with the first photo I’m sure all will become clear.”

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“ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT LITTLE CONNAMARA CONMAN GREEN SCREENED ME FLAUNTING IT RIGHT IN MY FACE WHILE HE WAS DOING IT TO ME AND I FELL FOR IT?”

“ I’m afraid so sir, and that’s not the worst of it. Not only did he use throw away IP Proxies,  but when I back traced the IP number he used because I thought I recognized it as one of ours, I found it was the one assigned to that antique car you recently acquired. So I went down to see if he’d installed a piggyback on it or something and well…”

“What, he’s using my own damned car against me?”

“Honestly sir I couldn’t tell you. I went like I said but the bay is empty. In fact maintenance was asking if they could use the bay as the car’s been gone well over a week.”

The sound suddenly mutes Impish’s reply as the message scrolls >>Prolonged string of expletives & profane terroristic threats against Lethal Leprechaun have been censored to maintain our PG Rating.<<

“I’m glad you took that so well sir because there is that other thing you asked me to look into. Regarding Clause 44 of the Partner’s Agreement?”

“Okay…gimme a second please.” <Impish turns around and opens the French Doors to his private balcony and steps outside. Then camera’s point of view suddenly shift 180 degrees so you are now looking from high above the front of his desk out the French Doors. Nervously and with furtive glances at the door leading back to the outer office Terrance moves to the side of Impish’s desk so that Impish can hear him from out on the terrace.> “You may continue now Terrance.”

“Yes sir. Regarding my review of Clause 44 subsections 1 through 7, it’s my interpretation sir that Lethal was in fact correct in his imposing a financial sanction on you. Further unless our interpretations of your uhh…work output differ substantially in several areas sir, I think he went easy one you.”

“Went easy on me? He docked me 25% of my pay! ME! The <multiple expletives deleted> FOUNDER, CEO AND PUBLIC FACE OF THIS COMPANY! Wait! Isn’t there something in there about earned time off, personal days, vacation time and sick days?”

“Yes sir there is but…”

Well why the hell don’t you just go back file for some of my lost time with those so I can get my 25 % reinstated? DO I have to think of everything around here? I’m moving a family buying curtains driving stuff around on a rented trailer in a car that likes to throw belts while I do it…”

“PLEASE SIR! WILL YOU STFU ABOUT THAT SHIT! There has already talk about putting you back in that padded cell at the Hokey Pokey Clinic. This time sir it will be an involuntary open ended stay because you’ll be judged not only incompetent but delusional and outright nucking futz!

I CAN NOT file for anymore paid time off for you because your in the red 30 days already when it comes to that! Now before you explode let me caution you about Clause 44 Subsection 7 which is going to come into effect very soon unless I miss my guess.”

“Pffft! The Hokey Pokey Clinic! Lethal latest big stick threat. Well I broke out once I can do it again…wait! Clause 44 Subsection 7? Isn’t that the one about forced buy out of a Partner no longer acting in the best interest of the company?”

“Yes sir it is. And unless I miss my guess your about 2 weeks from ticking off all the boxes in the reasons to invoke it given your current behavior and work ethic. When I say ticking off all the boxes please understand I do me ALL the boxes. Lethal could technically do it tomorrow if he wanted to but judging by the contract and his actions to date he’s either showing restraint out of his friendship with you OR he’s feeding you rope to hang yourself with which you keep wrapping around your neck with blithe indifference. It’s going to basically be impossible given your recent track record of distractions and shirking of your corporate duties to legally protest the decision if and when he makes it. I suspect more emphasis is on the when than the if, given your present stubborn mental course to Fantasy Island and outright refusal to take any advice about it sir to be frankly honest.”

“So they all think I’ve gone full goose honking bozo? Really? Are you sure? Do you have any idea why?

“Look, I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but you’re my boss and I sort of like you. When you’re actually here, both physically and mentally you can be a fun guy to be around. I’m doing this because I really want to see you get the help you need and come back to us 100%. I know the whole Pie Addiction Intervention was probably pretty hard on you and Lethal tends to have a Napoleon Complex about getting his way and getting things done around here. I get that its stressful and you need to have some refuge from that stress but to totally forgo reality? Frankly that’s a bit much sir even for a dragon.

Anyway a couple times I came to your door and I heard you talking but I knew there couldn’t be anyone in the room with you because you had said you were tired from everything going on in your…you know… and were going to take a nap.

When I listened to try and figure out who it was and how long to give you before I came back I could only hear your voice and you were talking to someone named Mr. Gray. When I checked the phones none of the lines to your office were lit. Since you had left your cellphone with me to answer so you wouldn’t be disturbed. I thought you might be in the process of replacing me or that this might have to do with that super secret hush hush business you and Lethal have going on on the side. You know the one you return from a lot of times worse for wear with that weird vest of many pockets on. So I asked Friday about it. When I did she turned this weird color of pale green and practically put me in an arm bar then dragged me into Lethal’s office and made me tell him what I had heard. Lethal looked really sick by the time he stopped asking me questions too. Just like you are starting to now.

Then he told me that I would always have a job here as long as I kept my eyes and ear open and my tongue between my teeth unless I was telling him what my eye and ears had learned. He ushered me out of his office and told Friday he was going to the special section of the garage. The section where you kept that antique car up until about a week ago.

Friday told me to go back to my desk and act like nothing was wrong or she’d see to it the only time Wednesday stopped by for pizza and video game night was when she was PMSing and wanting to beat the living hell out of something.

Now if you’ll excuse me sir, I have to go clean out my desk and update both my resume and will. I’m sure as soon as Friday &/or Lethal get wind of the fact I’ve told you this and violated their terms of my continued employment that No Name will come to see me and I’ll be needing one or the other of those documents rather quickly.”

“Don’t worry Terrance, I’ll square things with Lethal & Friday, or at least see that you get a decent severance package and a good letter of recommendation. This is all my fault and if there is one thing that Lethal understands, always admires and approves of its loyalty- even if its not to him.”

“Thank you sir, but as things stand at the moment, I don’t think Lethal would trust you to square a corner with him. Good Luck sir.”

<Terrance leaves the room on somewhat wobbly legs clearly relieved to be leaving at all. Impish stands with his back to the camera a moment longer before gouting out a stream of flame with a roar of frustration>

“Damned voice in my head. Damned stubborn Leprechaun.  Shit!  I’m going to be late! Damned Property Management Company witch!”

<Impish wings off disappearing from camera view and the picture irises down to a black screen. A message to Friday starts to appear apparently from Lethal but the screen goes totally blank before you can read all of it. You only manage to catch the first couple lines:

 It appears the element of surprise has been lost to us, exactly as we expected.  Apprise the capture team to stand ready at a moments notice. Unfortunately it is likely we will have to employ drastic measures to resolve this situation.

Friday, I want you….

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Dragon Laffs #1445

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I’m so embarrassed.

I had nothing but the best intentions.

But, as they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

This was supposed to be my wiz-bang, stupendous, super colossal, “we’re finally in our new home” issue.  But, although we are in our house, we’re not really IN our house.  If you know what I mean.  We are covered in boxes.  Plus, not everything is even removed from the old house yet. 

Have I ever mentioned to you guys how I HATE to move?

Yes?

Once or twice you say?

Okay.  Well, look.  Today is Wednesday and I’ve just gotten this week’s issue started.  So, let’s jump into the laughs and I’ll add some more of my wit and wisdom throughout.

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To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.  If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it’s probably raining.  But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog’s fur looks like it’s been rubbed  the wrong way, it’s probably windy. If the dog has snow on his back, it’s probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if expecting bad weather.
Sincerely, The CAT.

Speaking of cats. 

7 When this photo was submitted it was signed:

Sincerely,

The Dog

“Did you hear what happened today?” Jim asked when he saw me walking down the hallway at work.
“Hear what?” I asked, my curiosity piqued.
“The regional vice president died this morning!”
“What?!” I asked, totally stunned.  “What happened?”
“He was working through lunch
 when he had a heart attack,” Jim began explaining. “Everyone was gone except his secretary.  You know the one.”
“Boy do I.  She’s that hot, young blonde babe.”
“Yeah, that’s the one.  Turns out she isn’t too smart.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“He kept yelling at her to ‘call 911.’  She just stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of the phone number.”
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This is our guidance counselor for the school.  He has the ability to look into the future and see what classes best suit the student for his future career.  When the Whelpling saw him, he was given classes on geography and auto mechanics.  Now he’s a truck driver.

 

You have reached the breast self-examination hotline.  Please press 1 now.  Now press the other one. ~Author Unknown

 

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Who ever thought up the word “Mammogram?”  Every time I hear it, I think I’m supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.  ~Jan King

 

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A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.  ~Carrie Snow

 

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You ever wonder how we get more space around here when we need it.  This is one of our maintenance people creating some new rooms by ripping open a portal to another dimension.  After that, she will stabilize it and then other workers can come in and finish the rooms off.  When they are done, you wont even be able to tell where you cross into the dimension. 

 

I’ve been on a constant diet for the last two decades.  I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds.  By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.  ~Erma Bombeck

 

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You would be amazed at how often that happens around here. 

 

This is a great essay by Tomi Lahren on One America News Network (OAN)

 

More golf stuff for my dad and any other putters out there:

 

Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro if they sell ball markers.
 
The golf pro says they do, and they are $1.00.
 
The guy gives the golf pro a dollar.
 
The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in, and hands him a dime to use as the marker.
 
 
   This economic model is also used by the governments.

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This is a great little spot on the “Death of the Red Baron”.  Thanks to Dad, Papa Dragon Most Senior, for sending this one along.

9a

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I feel pretty

I have to go

I hit a deer

I know what youre thinking

I like to vacuum

I love that camel

9b

 

1475

 

Well, it’s Friday night, after ten and I’ve not got this finished AND I have to work in the morning.

Sigh

We still aren’t completely moved in.  But, we will be done by Sunday or I’m just gonna quit!

Plus, Mrs. Dragon’s family is supposed to arrive next Saturday for a little get together.  This ought to be fun.

Anyway, I’ll end this with a couple of more funnies and hope and pray to do a better job next week.  Enjoy your weekend folks and let’s all meet here again on Wednesday.

1476

7a

 

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
 
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
 
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle – a perfect night for romance.
 
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
 
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
 
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
 
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
 
The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.
 
That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening – red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze – perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get ‘those feelings’ again..
 
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn’t had
 
sex for months.  Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
 
He said, ‘Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?’
1477

 

 

 

Thanks to Jean for this one.  As far as I’m concerned, this is the perfect ending for this issue…

I am sorry that I have not been very responsive lately to your emails. I have been somewhat under the weather since my doctors informed me that I have an acute case of Post Islamic Stress Trauma with Apologetic War Fatigue (PIST-AWF). For those of you who do not know what that is, PIST-AWF is a newly defined disease that is found to be widespread and highly contagious.

January 2015 – Doctors at the CDC released a statement disclosing a new disease that has already infected over half of the United States and is anticipated to continue to spread. The disease itself affects the cells of a person’s entire body then goes dormant. The disease ravages the body and leaves serious side effects. These side effects have been labeled as PIST-AWF.

Symptoms include:

* Severe pain of the scalp from pulling your own hair while viewing your president pander to Muslim terrorists.

* Uncontrollable heartburn and/or heart palpitations at 8:00 PM during the O’Reilly factor.

* Loose bowels from swallowing the fact we elected Obama twice.

* Extreme hunger due to vomiting from nightly seeing terrorists murdering innocent people.

* Bleeding from the eyes. This is not Ebola. It is your eyes reacting to accidentally flipping to a channel that shows Al Sharpton as a legitimate news show host.

Since the disease consumes the entire body, every infected person is then identified as the disease itself.

If you feel you have Post Islamic Stress Trauma with Apologetic War Fatigue, please notify your local election board and place your name on the list for a cure. It is expected, and sincerely hoped, that the cure will be available in November of 2016 — that is if the people that are sick of this administration will get out and vote.

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Leprechaun Laughs #308 for Wednesday 22 July 2015

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As you enter the conference room everything seems normal, with the exception of Lethal’s notable absence, a largish garden gnome mooning the room from atop the podium wit a rather profane message prominently displayed while weighting down a sign hanging over the front of the podium reading:

Diamen~

When everyone has arrived and is seated please push this button.

Thanks

Lethal

As you are apparently one of the last ones to arrive for as soon as you get your coffee and sit, Diamen pushes the large button under the note. Immediately the lights start to dim, the projection screen starts to drop and most startling of all, the gnome starts to move, pull up his pants and speaks.

“About fricken time you all got here! I’ll be a week getting that permanent maker off me bum and all this chalk make up off me! That’s not counting the time it’ll take to thawing out me McGoogles neither- bloody Air conditioning!! That’s the last bloody time I make a wager with that sneaky Leprechaun for future favors against his gold!”

He shimmies down the podium muttering all the while and disappears into the descending darkness.

On the screen you can see a hammock and what appears to be an upscale but idealistic setting.  Parts of Lethal can just be made out appearing over the edge of the hammock. This mostly involves a hand reaching for and then carefully placing back on the table beside it a large Notre Dame coffee mug. The sounds of satisfaction these trips by the mug produce come through quite clearly, as does Lethal’s comments to you all:

Hello folks! You’ll have to excuse my not getting up but I’m bloody tired from being over worked and not paid. Should you not be inclined to cut me some slack, well that’s what the Sharpie comment on Gregor’s arse was for.

4 special issues this  month plus a guest rant for Impish by me already and it’s only mid July. That’s not even counting happenings off blog I’m forced to contend with including a visit from my MiL scheduled to begin sometime today. I figured I was due some time off and since I wasn’t likely to get any with my MiL here post issue I sort of phoned this issue in, by which I mean no Cooking  with Chef Lethal feature, no Parting Shot and likely very little of my personal wit or comments depending solely on my mood.

Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve a full schedule of relaxing this day. I’ve a nice cuppa to finish along a triple berry scone and the end of a good book, some quality time with a cat or two to get in, as well as a pre-lunch/MiL nap to shoehorn in .

LEt's Roll 25

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Mind you I’m a two year old who can kill you with his empty coffee cup or that blankie half a dozen different ways!

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They definitely forgot the empty coffee cup!

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According to Impish this was how he received his Anniversary morning breakfast after trying to convenience Mrs. Dragon he was king of their new castle.

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Impish definitely had some spot on comments about the entire Confederate flag farce the Blacks are crying over in their latest effort to recharge the race card on Saturday. Here’s my take on it:

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A Tale of Two Cities:

                                           Chicago, IL         Houston,TX

Population:                        2.7 million           2.15 million

Median HH Income         $38,600               $37,000

% African-American          38.9%                24%

% Hispanic                           29.9%                44%

% Asian                                 5.5%                   6%

% Non-Hispanic White       28.7%                26%

Pretty similar until you compare the following:

                                                   Chicago, IL         Houston, TX

Concealed Carry   – Legal             No                     Yes

# of Gun Stores                            None              184 Dedicated gun stores plus
                                                                              1500 – legal places to buy guns–
                                                                              Wal-Mart, K-mart, sporting goods, etc.

Homicides, 2012                          1,806                 207

Homicides per 100K                     38.4                  9.6

Avg. January high temp  (F)         31                     63

 

DEMOCRAT’S CONCLUSION:

COLD WEATHER CAUSES MURDERS; THIS IS DUE TO GLOBAL WARMING.

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Epic lightning during firework display captured in slow motion.

 

Speaking of Mother Nature’s Fireworks, here’s another awesome display captured split second when it happened

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Man just imagine if there was a certain goldbricking dragon snoozing under that tree when it happened….

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Hmm… Looks a lot like Impish when he accidentally gets shot with my Tesla cannon!

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I was in Walmart the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy.

I said to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t paying attention  to where I was going.” 

The young guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a  coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting  a little desperate.” 

I said, “Well, maybe we can help each  other. What does your wife look like?” 

The young guy says,  “Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long  legs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What  does your wife look like?” 

old man

I said, “Doesn’t matter – let’s  look for yours.” 

See? Older guys are helpful like that.

 

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We need a few of these scattered around where I live, preferably riddle with bullet holes as well.

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Texas redheaded centipede has Internet squirming

6-to-8-inch long centipede feeds on lizards, toads, snakes, rodents

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If you hate creepy, crawly things, Texas has just the centipede for you.

The Texas Parks and Wildlife Department posted a photo on Facebook on Friday showing a particularly striking specimen of the Texas redheaded centipede, proving that everything is indeed bigger in Texas.

The centipede, featuring a long black body, yellow legs and a red head and antennas, took a ride on a broom in Garner State Park, located west of San Antonio in the state’s Hill Country.

The centipede, whose Latin name is Scolopendra heros, can be found from Mexico up into the south-central and southwestern United States. They usually have between 21 and 23 pairs of legs and typically measure between 6 and 8 inches long.

Even though it may look frightening, Texas wildlife department officials said the centipede doesn’t pose much of a threat to humans. Bites can be painful, but usually subside after a few hours of swelling and stinging.

However, the redheaded centipede is a much bigger danger to its fellow animals. It often feeds on lizards and toads and has been known to also attack rodents and snakes.

That sucker is 2 cans of Raid minimum and then a vibrating compactor driven over it to be sure its dead! YEESH! <shiver> Let’s see Andrew Zimmer eat one of those and smack his lips!

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Or at least mine would if I had one. I refuse to join because the founder and the governing board of AARP use your membership payments to pursue (to the point of actually selling out  Seniors) their own liberal agenda. Think I’m kidding? See here: https://www.google.com/search?q=aarp+liberal+agenda&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8 

Where there is that much smoke there has to be at least some fire someplace and that’s enough to keep me away right there.

Letterman delivers Trump ‘Top 10′ list

 

This could very well come to pass, if we’re not careful!!!!

A message from your Queen …

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My faithful subjects….As you know, my dear people, the last year for me has been an annus horribilis (horrible year). The Royal House of Clinton has been tormented by questions about our handling of finances and subjected to tiresome questions about the tragic events in Benghazi in the furthest regions of our empire. And, sadly, also questions about my Royal e-mails.

Nevertheless, I will not be daunted in my desire and commitment to serve you the common people. For the next seventeen months I will be traveling among you as one of you, to listen to your deepest longings and needs. I will be with you in your Wal-Mart stores and beside you in your Burger Kings. I will drive with you down the busy interstate highways of our land sharing your poverty and hearing about your financial needs !

How well I remember the days when the Duke of Arkansas and I were impoverished. After we were expelled from our Washington Palace we hardly had two mansions to rub together. We were so poor we had to remove thousands of dollars of China, flatware, carpets and gifts from the Washington Palace just to survive. Now, happily, benefactors from around our empire have given just enough for us to scrape by. 

During those difficult times we had to cut back when our daughter was married. We only had $3 million to spend on her wedding and I remember our hopes as she moved into her $10 million Manhattan apartment that one day she would be able to move on from that humble abode to something more fitting for her status. 

So as I travel across our land to meet you all, I will be listening and sharing with you. You will partake of the Liberal’s Kool-Aid.  Then when the time for the royal election comes I know you will crown me as your rightful monarch so that we can all live happily ever after!

Queen Hillary

Let’s not forget that her and her philandering husband allowed the military to be disarmed when they could have prevented it. They are as culpable as G. H. W. Bush who allowed the policy to be written on his watch.

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Diamen must be of a similar mind because as I was about to put this puppy to press this arrived in my Inbox:

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      Modern Healthcare

An Afghan Muslim immigrant in Texas goes to Dr. of Quackery Lethal Leprechaun and says

“I feel terrible.”

Dr. Lethal Leprechaun examines him and then says: “You need to put your bowel movements and urine in a bucket for a week, then throw in a dead fish and some rotten cabbage. After the mixture sits for another 3 days in the sun, put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for three days.”
               
The Muslim does this and goes back to the Dr. of Quackery 2 weeks later and says:

        “I feel wonderful!  What was wrong with me?”
               
Dr. of Quackery Lethal Leprechaun replied, “You were Homesick.” 

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This takes hypocrisy to a whole new level, and could only have been be done in Washington D. C..

The federal government, which has “Tomahawk” cruise missiles and “Apache,” “Blackhawk,” ‘Kiowa” and “Lakota? helicopters – and used the code name “Geronimo” in the attack that killed Osama bin Laden, officially objects to the name of the Washington Redskins.

Really?

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The ISS as seen silhouetted against the moon through a telescope and attached digital camera.

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Lep Movie Sage words

A Centrist sane man will question his beliefs to see that they reflect reality, but the Liberal fool questions reality to reflect his beliefs.

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That’s Thursday the head of our HR Department and one of the Weekday sisters. She’s been hanging around the weight room with the Valkyrie and its really starting to show. Just last week the hydraulic lift the kitchen uses to move Impish’s food tray broke down and Thursday dead lifted the tray herself alone.

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From Saturday until Monday Impish has had no internet or TV due to his move. This is a graphic depiction of his withdrawal feelings.

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At least we have one person out there with a lick of sense and half a brain when it comes to arming our military on base! Here’s hoping other Governors will follow suit!

Gov. Greg Abbott to order National Guard to carry guns on base in light of deadly Chattanooga shooting

Gov. Greg Abbott announced Saturday that he will authorize the National Guard to carry guns at military facilities across Texas.

“It is with a heavy heart that I issue this order,” said Abbott in a press release. “After the recent shooting in Chattanooga, it has become clear that our military personnel must have the ability to defend themselves against these type of attacks on our own soil. Arming the National Guard at these bases will not only serve as a deterrent to anyone wishing to do harm to our service men and women, but will enable them to protect those living and working on the base.”

The U.S. Navy said Saturday that the sailor who was shot earlier in the week at a military support center in Tennessee died..

His death occurred two days after the deadly shooting killed four Marines and injured three others, including the sailor.

Authorities say Kuwait-born Muhammad Youssef Abdulazeez, 24, of Hixson, Tennessee, unleashed a barrage of fire at a recruiting center in Chattanooga, then drove several miles away to a Navy and Marine reserve center, where he shot and killed the Marines, and wounded the sailor. Abdulazeez was shot to death by police.

UPDATE As of 11:00 CST Monday 20 July:

The governors of Alabama, Louisiana, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Texas, Florida, Wisconsin and Indiana have authorized the arming of full-time National Guard members to deter attacks and allow them the ability to protect themselves and civilians in case they are targeted. State Republicans in Missouri have asked their governor to arm the states National Guard as well, however as of press time for Leprechaun Laughs this had yet to occur. 

Sen. Ron Johnson a Republican who represents Wisconsin and is chairman of the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee, said Friday he will introduce legislation “calling for the termination of regulations that prohibit members of the Armed Forces from carrying certain firearms on military installations.”

“By disarming the Armed Forces, gun-free policies at military facilities have made our men and women in uniform easy targets for terrorist attacks,” Johnson said.

Defense Secretary Ash Carter ordered that the military deliver recommendations to improve the safety of service members at home by the end of the week.

Utah’s governor said the National Guard was authorized to carry weapons on military facilities last year. Gov. Gary R. Herbert said in a statement Saturday that he directed the Guard to examine ways to further protect military personnel in the state.

I only hope the remaining 41 Governors will wake up, smell the states rights coffee and get on board with telling Washington to get their heads out of their collective arses and rectify this situation for all military bases world wide!

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If all ya’ll be excusing me now, ‘tis time for my ‘siesta con gatos’ something which the gatos take extremely seriously and require me to devote my full attention to just as they do.

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NO you CANNOT kiss that one Impish, its mine. Go kiss Mrs. Dragon’s butt instead. Need I remind you of what Molly said she’d do with your tongue if she ever caught it out side your teeth within 50 feet of her again? Personally my money is on that industrial meat grinder.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Dragon Laffs #1444

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Good Morning Campers,

This is going to be a weird issue, as all this week I am moving to our new digs. 

God, I hate moving.  Have I mentioned that before?

Anyway, let’s get on with the laughs and maybe things will work out as the week goes by.

Adam tells Eve that he is going to search for food.  When he finally returns after three days, Eve is absolutely livid.  “Where have you been?  What have you been doing?”
Adam rattles off a few lame excuses (like “Got lost;'” “Horse died;”) before falling asleep.  But he awakens with a start to find Eve poking his chest.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
“Counting your ribs!” she replies

1468

 

English is easily the most international language in the world, and one that is often used to explain things to tourists coming in from other countries.

But while English is well known, it’s not always well writtne, resulting in some truly, although unintentional, comic signs travellers can enjoy. Here are some of my all-time favorite broken English signs:

In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In another Japanese hotel room:
Please to bathe inside the tub.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet  
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.
In a Hong Kong supermarket:
For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner’s:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
In an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna hotel:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
 
A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extrcted by the latest Methodists.
A translated sentence from a Russian chess book:
A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours—we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:
To stop the drip, turn cock to right.
In the window of a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
Stop: Drive Sideways.
 
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today—no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
At a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
  • English well talking.
  • Here speeching American.

 

1466

So, now it’s Wednesday and as you can tell, I’m really not that far into today’s issue.  I had the day off since it was our 20th Wedding anniversary.  We had a wonderful day!  We got up early, moved a trailer load of boxes to the new house, Painted a total of one and one-half walls, took Mrs. Dragon to her physical therapy appointment, picked up one of Izzy Dragonette’s Little friends to spend the night, went back to the new house, worked on a few more things, then jumped in the pool for an hour.

Now we’re home and recovering our backs from the hard work we’ve done all day.  All in all a pretty ordinary anniversary…

…except it was our twentieth…

…and we bought a house…

…so, yeah, it was pretty damn good.

How about the wonderful issue Lethal put together for us.  What a great, great way of saying happy anniversary.  I was so moved.  Mrs. Dragon and I sat on our couch while drinking coffee this morning and we both about spewed coffee out our noses several times.  Great fun!!

Well, let’s get back to the funny stuff, shall we?

Here’s what’s got to be my favorite Golf joke for my dad:

A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plonks down into a chair.
 
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. 
 
“What troubles you, Sister?” asks the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
 
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”
 
“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?” “Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!” “Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”
 
“Well, we were on the fifth tee… and this hole is a monster 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted… and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!”
 
“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”
 
“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
 
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized Mother.
 
“But I didn’t, Mother Superior!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in its paws!”
 
“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother with a knowing smile.
 
“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped it right there on the green, and the ball popped out of its paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
 
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…”You missed the f**king putt, didn’t you?”

 

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More artwork from our students.  This is from one of the summer school kids who was a member of my Magic 101 class.  I think she captured the whole student / teacher relationship quite well.

 

Okay, Thursday.  Had meetings in the morning and meetings in the evening, doctor appointments in the afternoon and still managed to get one load over to the new house.

One day left before the big move on Saturday.  By the time most of you are reading this, the Dragon family will be changing caverns.

Sigh.

I hate moving.

Have I mentioned that?

Geez, let’s get back to the laffs…

 

7

 

 

100

 

7a

And the Confederate flag is not a hate symbol or a racist symbol or any other stupid thing you might think it is.  GET OVER IT!  Grow the hell up, pull up your big girl panties and deal with it.  Find something important to bitch about.

 

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Here you go dad…these are for you:

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6k

6l

6m

6n

6o

 

 

My good buddy Lethal Leprechaun sent me these two signs.  One for use here at Dragon Laffs and one for use at work.  I really like them!

7b

7c

 

Well, it’s late Friday night and this is all I’ve gotten done.  I’m so sorry there isn’t more, but to close it out, here is a guest rant from our dear Lethal Leprechaun.  I’m proud and honored to host this essay:

7d

While I can still remain barely civil, I’d like to take this moment to thank Impish for giving up his soap box in his issue for this rant, even though
we both know I’m doing him another in an lately endless list of issue related solids.
 
CNN- They joined the Marines to serve their country, willing to go to dangerous lands out of a sense of duty, idealism and patriotism.
 
Ultimately, they died (needlessly) in Chattanooga, Tennessee.
 
Authorities are still trying to piece together why Mohammad Youssuf Abdulazeez killed four Marines at a Navy operational center in the southeastern Tennessee city, which is thousands of miles from any war zone but unfortunately not bloodshed. Terrorism is being investigated as one possibility, especially considering that a military recruiting center was also shot at, though it was not immediately known if Abdulazeez had any connection to any known terrorist group
 
Military & Vets need to make returning weapons on military bases a 2016  Election issue!
 
Vets make up 17% of the voter base and 70% of those turned out for the 2014 elections. Active Military adds another approximately 2 million to this number. Unfortunately unless they plan far in advance if they are deployed they never get to vote because the military does nothing to assist them in getting their right to vote. In addition to surviving in a hostile environment, keeping from being killed (or worse) and worrying about their family at home planning and obtaining an Absentee Ballot is left up to them too.
 
This however isn’t the true measure of the voting power of Veterans and our Military service People. They have Parents, Families, Relatives and Friends who care about them. Entire communities adopt their deploying members. You want to bet that the people who know those 4 dead Marines won’t vote to get weapons back in the hands of our Military while on base now?
 
George H. W. Bush’s Secretary of Defense Dick Cheney (who as VP would go on to mishandle a weapon to the point of shooting a friend in the face- ironic no?) oversaw the issuing of the Department of Defense (DoD) Directive 5210.56, signed into effect in February 1992 by Donald J. Atwood, deputy secretary of defense
[see here: http://www.dtic.mil/dtic/tr/fulltext/u2/a272176.pdf ]. The controversial directive states that “it is DoD Policy” to “limit and control the carrying of firearms by DoD military and civilian personnel.” This severely restricted who, when, where and under what conditions loaded weapons could be carried by Military Personnel.
 
This directive took force 2 months after Clinton entered office. He could have stopped it with an Executive Order. He didn’t. Liberal hate and fear guns. The last thing they want and the thing that keeps Liberals in positions of power awake nights is the fear that  patriots will rise up against thier socialist agendas. Well, there are none more patriotic than those who will lay down their lives for their country and the principles it was founded on. In short, the Military.
 
 
But what is not widely known are the reasons why Bush signed this order.  A Pentagon spokesman stated that the Pentagon is against U.S. troops being armed on base [http://thehill.com/policy/defense/202677-pentagon-opposes-allowing-concealed-weapons-on-base%5D:
 
          … the Pentagon opposed the move for various reasons. “The first of which is safety,”*
 
This is so upside-down.  The soldiers are safer if they are carrying guns.  They are less safe if they are all disarmed, because they can be massacred by a radical Muslim.
 
            Another reason is really the prohibitive cost of the training, the qualification requirements, recertification.*
 
What?  Aren’t soldiers, by definition, already trained to use firearms?  This is the worst kind of sophistry!
 
        “The final one is local requirements and other policy requirements, for example the Lautenberg requirement,” he said,
           referring to a 1996 amendment by the         late Sen. Frank Lautenberg (D-N.J.) that prohibits those convicted of
            misdemeanor crimes from carrying a weapon. 
 
This is ignorance of the worst kind.  Federal bases and federal employees are not subject to “local requirements.”  It’s called federalism.  Look it up!
 
As for the Lautenberg Amendment, does that mean soldiers convicted of misdemeanors can’t carry weapons in times of war?  Then what are they in the military for?  Either they are trusted, in which case they should be able to carry all the time, or they aren’t, in which case they shouldn’t be in the military.
 
        “So there are a lot of barriers to this idea, and the Department’s position – and we’ve spelled this out before – is that we do not support it.”
 
Warren also said that “patting-down” the almost 100,000 people entering and exiting Fort Hood and other major military installations would be unrealistic, although he said no Pentagon study has been conducted on how much time and money that would require.  *
 
So soldiers are disarmed, but there is no barrier to stop mass murders from bringing in weapons.
 
In any event, pat-downs aren’t the solutions.  Guns in the hands of our soldiers are.  The Pentagon seems to be saying they can be trusted only to carry weapons on the front lines.  This shows an astonishing mistrust of our armed forces.  This self-hating philosophy has led to the death of many of our fine fighting men.
 
I would say that Obama’s poisoning of the leadership of our military is solely responsible for this, but this has been going on for some time, under Clinton and George W. Bush as well, who seemed to have no problem with it.  Will no one except Donald Trump speak out against this insanity?
 
I AM THE LETHAL LEPRECHAUN AND I SAY:
 
It is a damn shameful crime we’re good enough to protect the US but not trusted enough by our own Government and Military Commanders to be allowed to protect ourselves!
 
THANK YOU YOU LIBERALS IN THE DoD, PENTAGON & YOU SPINELESS POLITICIANS for 4 more avoidable Military deaths on US soil!
 
It’s bloody well past time we stand up for ourselves and force the President & Congress to return the right of the Military to protect itself on its own military bases from terrorist attacks on our own soil! If not we should demand they follow the same rules regarding weapons and be subjected to the same level of threat we are!
 
Now, require the DoD to rescind Department of Defense (DoD) Directive 5210.56 of 25 Fed 1992 and reinstate DoD Directive 5210.66, “Carrying of Firearms by DoD Personnel,” 17 Mar 1986 or find another job (preferably one where terrorists can shoot at you while you are prevented by an idiotic directive from protecting yourself) because if you don’t  we’ll vote you out of office.
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Leprechaun Laughs #307 for Wednesday July 15th 2015

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Sheesh! What’s this my 4th ‘Special Edition’ in a row?! I’d say I was feeling over works and underpaid except I’d have to be getting paid to do this in the first place!

As you can tell from the opening banner, yet again Impish is in the lime light today. In fact he’s spending so much time in it lately I’m frankly surprised he hasn’t turned lime green as yet.

No, I’m not being excessively cranky about things, actually I’m kicking off a surprise for Impish in honor of his Wedding Anniversary. I figured after 20 years they deserved a special accolade, so welcome to the DL?LL Digital Media Enterprises Roast of Mr. & Mrs. Impish Dragon’s marriage! Well ok, mostly Impish’s side of it because frankly I’ve seen Mrs. Dragon get mad and while I’m not publically permitted to mention her mythical lineage, quite frankly I’m loathe to have her mad at me!

Let's Roll 23

!cid_FBE8BEEC-7325-4C67-890E-9FE175908B48

 

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Just think Impish if you’d been in jail for murder you’d be out now!

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Mrs. Dragon and Impish were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy morning.

He suddenly said, ‘Darling, if I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.’

‘Now why would you want me to do something like that?’ she asked.

‘I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don’t want some other asshole using my stuff….’

‘What makes you think I’d marry another Dragon?”

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At least that’s what Impish claims, but then again….

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Irish Descendants – Step it out Mary

A wee somethin’ for Mrs. Dragon., because frankly she scares me!

 

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Well? We’re all waiting Impish! What’s the answer? Enquiring minds (and Mrs. Dragon) want to know which you pick!

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One day Impish and Mrs. Dragon were working outside. When Mrs. Dragon bent over to tend some flowers Impish remarked “Gee honey your backside has certainly grown..I think its larger than the grill!”

Not one to leave well enough alone, count his blessings that he could still see, wasn’t in the hospital or that Mrs. Dragon wasn’t calling the Leprechaun for a really big body disposal favor, Impish locates a tape measure and measures both.

“I was right hun your backside is two inches broader than our grill!”

Once again Mrs. Dragon in a Herculean feat of self control says nothing and refrains from committing mayhem or justifiable homicide.

That night our favorite(?) dragon finds himself feeling..well, a little Impish and amorous shall we say, but Mrs. Dragon soundly and frostily rebuffs him saying, “What?!  Do you really expect me to get this big old grill all fired  up for just your one Vienna Frankfurter? Oh Hells no!”

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Mr. &Mrs. Impish Dragon are  celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary in their home early this morning.

“Just think,” the old man says, “we were sitting here at this same breakfast table, naked as jaybirds, 20 years ago.”

old couple

“Well,” Mrs. Dragon snickers naughtily, “what do you say, do you think we should get naked?”

The two chuckle and proceed to slowly strip to what God gave them. Then they sit back down at the table, staring at each other.  

“You know, honey,” Mrs. Dragon says slyly, “My breasts burn for you now just as they did 50 years ago.”

I’m not surprised,” replies Impish. “One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!

 

 

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NEEDTOBREATHE “Brother”  unplugged

Apparently in the course of roasting someone it’s customary to say a few nice things about the person while having an entire evening’s (issue’s) laughs at there expense. So here’s one for my brother from another mother.

Enter video caption here

Lyrics:

“Brother”

Ramblers in the wilderness we can’t find what we need
Get a little restless from the searching
Get a little worn down in between
Like a bull chasing the matador is the man left to his own schemes
Everybody needs someone beside em’ shining like a lighthouse from the sea

Brother let me be your shelter
I’ll never leave you all alone
I can be the one you call
When you’re low
Brother let me be your fortress
When the night winds are driving on
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home

Face down in the desert now there’s a cage locked around my heart
I found a way to drop the keys where my failures were
Now my hands can’t reach that far
I ain’t made for a rivalry I could never take the world alone
I know that in my weakness I am strong, but
It’s your love that brings me home

Brother let me be your shelter
I’ll never leave you all alone
I can be the one you call
When you’re low
Brother let me be your fortress
When the night winds are driving on
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home

And when you call and need me near
Sayin’ where’d you go?
Brother I’m right here
And on those days when the sky begins to fall
You’re the blood of my blood
We can get through it all
Brother let me be your shelter
I’ll never leave you all alone
I can be the one you call
When you’re feelin’ low

Brother let me be your fortress
When the night winds are driving on
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home

Brother let me be your shelter
I’ll never leave you all alone
I can be the one you call
When you’re low
Brother let me be your fortress
When the night winds are driving on
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home

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The happy couple on their Joining Day

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Impish was in his new back yard trying to launch a kite. he threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
 
He tried this a few more times with no success.
 
All the while, Mrs. Dragon is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
 
She opens the window and yelled to Impish, “You need a piece of tail.”
 
Impish turned with a confused look on his face and yelled back, “Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.”

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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

Unfortunately about 10 minutes later Impish as forced to relinquish his to her before she’d let him put the ring on her finger.

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The High Kings – Red Is The Rose

More Mrs. Dragon appeasement!

 

A couple meets with the minister of the Church to discuss their marriage vows.
“Pastor” said (the soon to be) Mrs. Dragon; “we wonder if we could make a change in the wording of our ceremony.”
“Yes,“replied the pastor, “It is sometimes done. What do you have in mind?”
“Well, said (the soon to be) Mrs. Dragon; looking at Impish openly, “we’d like to alter the ‘until death do us part’ section to read, ‘Substantial penalty for early withdrawal.’”

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The Dean Martin Roasts – Jackie Gleason

Impish I wish I could have done this good by you pal!

After all you and Jackie have so much in common…your size, your likeability, you were both carried by you’re side kicks, your both successful comediansyou’re both rich…you’re both known as The Great One..both your wives patiently put up with you….uhh I think I’d better quit while you’re still ahead.

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My understanding is one of these is a top priority on Impish’s new home improvements list. I also understand one of Mrs. Dragons top priorities is a pair of heavy sliding dead bolts for the top side of the hatch!

The Wedding Song, Paul Stookey

Just remember you two-

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May you always have walls for the winds,
a roof for the rain, tea beside the fire,
laughter to cheer you, those you love near you,
and all your heart might desire.

May St. Patrick guard you wherever you go,
and guide you in whatever you do–
and may his loving protection be a blessing to you always.

SLAINTE!

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