Leprechaun Laughs # 406 for August 23rd 2017

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Well I don’t see any of you wearing excessively dark glasses and carrying with canes with red tips, so I’m going to assume your Eclipse viewing went well. If you missed it (like me who totally forgot about it due to other more pressing problems), take heart I understand there will be another one in 2024 viewable from the US. Provided of course any of us live that long.

OK I’m sure you’re all wondering about Impish and his surgery. I received a brief text from him round about the time of the Eclipse saying he was back in his room, still quite groggy but that all had gone well and he was fine. I told him to rest and take it easy and that I would text/talk with him on Tuesday. Since I’m uploading this on Monday afternoon, obviously this hasn’t occurred as yet. I will attempt a brief update post later on when I have significant information/news to share if I don’t have one before the issue actually post.

It’s my understanding that he will be making his regular Saturday issue posting, most likely from our medical facility where he will be under the dubious care of Dr. Nick for his immediate recovery.

In the mean while…

 

Blackbird

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When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor. (actually it was Paramedic but hey)

So I took the entrance exam to go to medical school.

One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters

PNEIS into the name of an important human body part

which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered spine are doctors today.

“The rest of us are sending jokes via email!”

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With all the Heat Advisories and High UV Index warnings we’ve been getting of late, this might not be too far off the mark. Just how bad could it possibly be you ask? See for yourself!:

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Even our dogs are melting!

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PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS… [curtsey of Diamen]

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.   He  acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.  The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11 Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.  One hat said to the other: You stay here; I’ll go on a head.

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron.  The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

       No pun in ten did.

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I think the way things are going for me I might have to up the dosage soon too.

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Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

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ITS A BOY” I shouted “A BOY, I DON’T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY”. And with tears streaming down my face I swore I’d never visit another Thai Brothel!

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Wife gets naked and asks hubby, ‘What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?’Hubby looks her up and down and replies, ‘Your sense of humor!’

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The wife’s back on the warpath again.

She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

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I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.

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Japanese man the same age will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese…

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A Correct Anthropological-Chronological History

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.

Beer required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.

These two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: 1. Liberals. 2. Conservatives.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly

BBQ’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the

Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men evolved into women.

Others became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

Modern Liberals like lite beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: many Liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community organizers are Liberals … Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively.

Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.

Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today’s lesson in world history. It should be noted that a

Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true believers and to just piss off more liberals…

And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self. I’m going to have another beer.

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Another one of those weird motorcycle riding outfit  photos. I wonder if it’s a Japanese motorcycle?

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Sorry but when I first saw the above picture this old joke (among other things) immediately popped into my head:

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, “What took you so long?” He smiled and then told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a “recreational area” so close to a waste treatment facility.

Critter Cam 1

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Ninja Kitty Stealth Infiltration 101

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Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.

The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall.

He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, “Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?”

Dr. Epstein replied, “Well, young man, no, it isn’t. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away.”

“Why haven’t you visited?” asked the desk clerk.

“Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I’ve been too ashamed to return.”

The clerk consoled him. “Sir, while I don’t have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn’t even remembered by others. I bet that’s true of your incident too.”

Dr. Epstein replied, “Son, I doubt that’s the case with my incident.”

“Was it a long time ago?”

“Yes, many years.”

The clerk asked, “Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?”

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Dragon Laffs #1554

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campers

Well, it’s time.
The day after tomorrow I will be in the hospital getting a right total hip arthroplasty.  Which is the doctor’s way of saying a total hip replacement.  In Air Force Maintenance Speak they are going to R2 my hip.  (R2 = Remove and Replace).
There is a pretty cool animation which shows what my problem is:

I know there are several of you out there who think that this is not my ONLY problem, but let’s continue.  We’re not speaking of psychiatric problems at this time.  We’ll save that for later.
Next, let’s talk about the surgery itself.  This is from the WebMD website:
Hip replacement surgery is a procedure in which a doctor surgically removes a painful (Yeah, I’ll say!) hip joint with arthritis
and replaces it with an artificial joint often made from metal and plastic components. (I’ll set off metal detectors all over the world!) It usually is done when all other treatment options have failed to provide adequate pain relief. The procedure should relieve a painful hip joint, making walking easier.
It damn well better!

What Happens During Hip Replacement Surgery?

Hip replacement surgery can be performed traditionally or by using what is considered a minimally-invasive technique. The main difference between the two procedures is the size of the incision.

During standard hip replacement surgery, you are given general anesthesia to relax your muscles and put you into a temporary deep sleep. This will prevent you from feeling any pain during the surgery or have any awareness of the procedure. A spinal anesthetic may be given to help prevent pain as an alternative.

The doctor will then make a cut along the side of the hip and move the muscles connected to the top of the thighbone to expose the hip joint. Next, the ball portion of the joint is removed by cutting the thighbone with a saw. Then an artificial joint is attached to the thighbone using either cement or a special material that allows the remaining bone to attach to the new joint.

The doctor then prepares the surface of the hipbone — removing any damaged cartilage — and attaches the replacement socket part to the hipbone. The new ball part of the thighbone is then inserted into the socket part of the hip. A drain may be put in to help drain any fluid. The doctor then reattaches the muscles and closes the incision.

If you’re interested, you can read the entire article here: http://www.webmd.com/osteoarthritis/guide/hip-replacement-surgery#1

There’s another cool animation showing the surgical procedure:

Now that doesn’t look so bad, does it?
<THUD!>

Hi Folks…or…um… Campers, this is Terrance Troll, looks like Impish is going to be … um … out of it for a little bit, so why don’t we get on with the rest of the issue and hopefully he can join us again shortly.

lets laugh

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Okay, so I slipped that one in while Impish was out.  Hee, Hee, Hee!

Dictionary Wannabes

Adult -A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Beauty Parlor -A place where women curl up and dye.
Chickens -The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
Committee -A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Dust -Mud with the juice squeezed out.
Egotist -Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
Handkerchief -Cold Storage.
Inflation -Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
Mosquito -An insect that makes you like flies better.
Raisin -A grape with a sunburn.
Secret -Something you tell to one person at a time.
Skeleton -A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
Toothache -The pain that drives you to extraction.
Tomorrow -One of the greatest Labor saving devices of today.
Yawn -An honest opinion openly expressed.

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We’ve all been trapped inside an elevator or some other small enclosure with that person.

Newspaper Readership

Mark Twain —  “If you don’t read the newspaper, you’re uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you’re misinformed.”

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand The New York Times.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could find the time and if they didn’t have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Chicago Tribune is read by people that are in prison who used to run the state, & would like to do so again, as would their constituents that are currently free on bail.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

11. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are gay, handicapped, minority, feminist, atheists, and those who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.

12. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

13. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.

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I don’t want ANYONE getting any ideas!

dragon pics

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That’s me posing in front of that special building, whatever it is, done in tasteful gray coloring.

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You’re Getting Older When….

– You can live without sex but not without your glasses.
– You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room.
– You enjoy watching the news.
– The phone rings and you hope its not for you.
– The only reason you’re still awake at 4 am is indigestion.
– People ask what color your hair USED to be.
– You’re proud of your lawnmower.
– Your best friend is dating someone half their age AND isn’t breaking any laws.
– You start singing along with the elevator music.
– You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.
– Your car has four doors.
– You routinely check the oil in your car.
– And you have to have total hip arthroplasty.  (Dammit!)

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Teenagers have no idea that their parents used to be teenagers…with a lot more experience at the game.

fantasy

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Waiting while your husband gets home from a bad day at work.

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I ain’t sayin’ nuthin’!  Having at one point in my life, been in the same position.

Two hunters, Paul and Kurt, were in a lodge, making small talk.

Paul asked Kurt, “So, what do you hunt?”

Kurt answered “I hunt unicorns.”

Paul was startled, but said “Really? How do you do that?”

Kurt replied, “I find a virgin and hire her to help me. The virgin sits around

in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare.”

Paul said, “Boy, they must be hard to find. I’ve heard of them, but I’ve never seen one.”

Kurt said “Yeah, and there aren’t many unicorns around, either!”

rimshot

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A man took his old duck to the Veterinarian, concerned because the duck wouldn’t eat.

The vet explained to the man that as ducks age, their upper bills grow down over their lower bills, and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it’s food. “What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down, even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck’s nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it’ll drown.”

The man goes about his business and about a week later the vet runs into his patient. “Well, how is that duck of yours?” the vet inquired.

“He’s dead.” declared the heartbroken man.

I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn’t he?” insisted the vet.

“No.” lamented the man. “I think he was dead before I took him out of the vise.”

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Politics

Oh no!  Let’s not!  Let’s just laugh at them!

1h

Truer words have not been spoken.

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Yeah, it sucks when your plans fall apart around your ears, don’t it?

Bastards!

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A man was visiting his elderly neighbor and was given a tour of his home.

In the den was a stuffed lion.

The neighbor asked, “When did you bag him?”

The old man said proudly, “That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife.”

“What’s he stuffed with?” asked the neighbor.

“My ex-wife,” replied the old man.

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More truthful words.

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife suddenly looks across at him and speaks in a clear voice. “I know we have been married for over twenty years, but I want a divorce.
The husband says nothing, he keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases his speed to 45 mph.
The wife speaks again. “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it.” She says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he is a far better lover than you are.”
Again the husband stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55 mph.
She pushes her luck. “I want the house.” She says insistently.
Up to 60 mph.
“I want the car, too,” she continues.
65mph.
“And,” she says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!”
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes her nervous, so she asks him, “Isn’t there anything you want?”
The husband at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. “No, I’ve got everything I need,” he says.
“Oh, really,” she inquires, “so what have you got?”
Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the husband turns to her and smiles. “The airbag!”

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motivate

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Sharing…it’s a wonderful thing.

 

As I get older, I realize:
#1  –  I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.
#2  –  I consider “On Trend” to be the clothes that still fit.
#3  –  I don’t need anger management.  I need people to stop pissing me off.
#4  –  My people skills are just fine.  It’s my tolerance for idiots that needs work.
#5  –  The biggest lie I tell myself is, “I don’t need to write that down.  I’ll remember it.”
#6  –  I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.
#7  –  These days, “on time” is when I get there.
#8  –  Even duct tape can’t fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.
#9  –  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
#10  –  Lately, I’ve noticed people my age are so much older than me.
#11  –  “Getting lucky” means walking into  a room and remembering why I’m there.
#12  –  When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment.  Now it feels like a mini vacation.
#13  –  Some days I have no idea what I’m doing out of bed.
#14  –  I thought growing old would take longer.
#15  –  Aging sure has slowed me down, but it hasn’t shut me up.
#16  –  I still haven’t learned to act my age.

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Well, that’s it for today folks.  I’m sure we’ll figure out a way to let you know how I’m doing. 

Got a million things to do before Monday.

Oh, one more thing…what’s the big deal with this eclipse thing?  So the moon will cast a shadow on the earth?  Big deal.  The moon is so small, way up in the sky, who’s even going to be able to see it’s shadow?

Love you all.

Cheers

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Leprechaun Laughs # 405 for Wednesday August 16th 2017

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Aww BUGGER! Can’t make up my mind so I’m just going to use both opening banners I came up with for this week’s issue!

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 Ok so unless you’re living completely off the grid (in which case you’re not reading this), under a rock, or hiding from wood/industrial chippers and preparing for hip replacement surgery you know there is a solar eclipse in the near future. Monday August 21st to be exact.

I’m focusing today’s issue on basically everything you need to know about the upcoming event so you’ll have plenty of time and knowledge to prepare for it. We’ll also have a few sun themed music videos and jokes just to keep you all from falling asleep on me.

Let's Roll - 55

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The day the sun disappears is coming!

(CNN)In less than a month, on August 21, the sun will disappear across America.

For a swath of the country from Portland, Oregon, to Charleston, South Carolina, it will look like someone just turned off the sun in the middle of the day.

Fourteen states across the US will experience about two minutes of darkness as the eclipse crosses from coast to coast between 10:15 a.m. Pacific Time in Oregon until about 2:45 p.m. Eastern Time in South Carolina.

    Even if you live elsewhere in North America, a portion of the sun will partially disappear near midday. Parts of South America, Africa, Europe and Asia will also experience a partial eclipse.

    It is being called the “Great American Eclipse.” And you can mark it on your calendar, down to the millisecond.

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    It’s been 99 years since a total solar eclipse crossed the country from the Pacific to the Atlantic. The total solar eclipse on June 8, 1918, crossed from Washington to Florida.

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    Federal agencies like NASA, NOAA, the National Park Service and the Federal Highway Administration all have plans to enable safe viewing of the eclipse, up-to-the-minute weather forecasts, crowd management and navigating traffic and parking.

     

    “Never before will a celestial event be viewed by so many and explored from so many vantage points: from space, from the air and from the ground,” said Thomas Zurbuchen, associate administrator of NASA’s Science Mission Directorate. “With our fellow agencies and a host of scientific organizations, NASA will continue to amplify one key message: Take time to experience the August 21 eclipse, but experience it safely.”

    Researchers will also take advantage of the rare eclipse to study the sun and the Earth using instruments on the ground and in space.

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    Okay, I apologize but I had to get this musical pun in before Impish decided to use it.

    Bonnie Tyler – Total Eclipse of the Heart

     

    What is a solar eclipse?

    On Monday, August 21, 2017, all of North America will be treated to an eclipse of the sun. Anyone within the path of totality can see one of nature’s most awe-inspiring sights – a total solar eclipse. This path, where the moon will completely cover the sun and the sun’s tenuous atmosphere – the corona – can be seen, will stretch from Lincoln Beach, Oregon to Charleston, South Carolina. Observers outside this path will still see a partial solar eclipse where the moon covers part of the sun’s disk.

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    What is It?

    This celestial event is a solar eclipse in which the moon passes between the sun and Earth and blocks all or part of the sun for up to about three hours, from beginning to end, as viewed from a given location.  For this eclipse, the longest period when the moon completely blocks the sun from any given location along the path will be about two minutes and 40 seconds.  The last time the contiguous U.S. saw a total eclipse was in 1979.

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    Who Can See It?

    Lots of people! Everyone in the contiguous United States, in fact, everyone in North America plus parts of South America, Africa, and Europe will see at least a partial solar eclipse, while the thin path of totality will pass through portions of 14 states.  

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    Sunshine – Jonathan Edwards original song and lyrics

     

    Where Can You See It?

    You can see a partial eclipse, where the moon covers only a part of the sun, anywhere in North America (see “Who can see it?”). To see a total eclipse, where the moon fully covers the sun for a short few minutes, you must be in the path of totality. The path of totality is a relatively thin ribbon, around 70 miles wide, that will cross the U.S. from West to East.  The first point of contact will be at Lincoln Beach, Oregon at 9:05 a.m. PDT. Totality begins there at 10:16 a.m. PDT.  Over the next hour and a half, it will cross through Oregon, Idaho, Wyoming, Montana, Nebraska, Iowa, Kansas, Missouri, Illinois, Kentucky, Tennessee, Georgia, and North and South Carolina.  The total eclipse will end near Charleston, South Carolina at 2:48 p.m. EDT.  From there the lunar shadow leaves the United States at 4:09 EDT.  Its longest duration will be near Carbondale, Illinois, where the sun will be completely covered for two minutes and 40 seconds.

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    When Can You See It?

    Times for partial and total phases of the eclipse vary depending on your location. This interactive eclipse map  will show you times for the partial and total eclipse anywhere in the world.

     

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    How Can You See It?

    You never want to look directly at the sun without appropriate protection except during totality.  That could severely hurt your eyes.  However, there are many ways to safely view an eclipse of the sun including direct viewing – which requires some type of filtering device and indirect viewing where you project an image of the sun onto a screen. Both methods should produce clear images of the partial phase of an eclipse.  Click here for eclipse viewing techniques and safety.

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    August 21 Eclipse view by zip code

    Go to this website and enter any zip codes of interest and it will show you what the eclipse will look like at that area.

    It will also show the time of maximum coverage.

    https://www.vox.com/science- and-health/2017/7/25/16019892/ solar-eclipse-2017- interactive-map

    Here Comes The Sun – The Beatles Tribute

     

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    Solar Eclipse 2017: Why One Portland Physicist Says Stay Away From The Water

    [You’d think the unobstructed view from the water would be a great place to view a solar eclipse just as it is meteor showers.  You might need to rethink that plan!- L.L.]

    Physicist Jack Straton has almost seen a total solar eclipse. It happened once, on February 26th, 1979. On that fateful day 38 years ago, the astronomy buff headed out to view the mystical blackened sun beside a Stonehenge replica, on the banks of the Columbia River.

    He says that eclipse event was a relatively “sleepy” one: a lone group of hippies clouded in smoke gathered around the river rocks, and it was “pot smoke so deep you couldn’t see the stones,” as Straton remembers.

    But then, just as the eclipse was nearing its ultimate moment, when the Earth’s brightest star would be briefly gobbled up by the moon’s dark silhouette – everything changed.

    “I had a perfect view, up until 2 minutes before totality.” That’s when Straton says the temperature dipped so suddenly, he missed the exact celestial moment he’d been waiting for:

    “Mist rose off the river, and entirely blocked the total eclipse,” he says.

    So this August, the star-gazer’s not taking any chances.

    He’s been out scouting camping sites in Oregon’s national parks, picking out a few ideal eclipse-catching spots (away from the water this time.)

    It’s all in the hope of glimpsing that magic moment of total eclipse, when the outermost atmosphere of the sun known as the ‘solar corona,’ comes into sight, and energetic particles stream out from the sun, bursting into our earthly view.

    “It’s this big filamentary halo,” Straton says. “That, apparently, is glorious – although I can’t testify by my own eyes.”

    Not yet, anyway.

    Katrina & The Waves – Walking On Sunshine

     

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    Dragon Laffs #1553

    Dragon Laffs

    campers

     

     

    It’s been a long week. 

    Found out the other day that my hip surgery is scheduled for 21 August.  At long last, I’m hoping the pain will begin to be a thing of the past.

    The weather has been unseasonably cold. I thought this whole global warming thing was supposed to give me more time in the pool, not less.  I haven’t been in all week!  Not that I’ve really had time…

    So, let’s get on with the laughs.

    Let's Laugh

    2911

    In case you have old eyes have had a tough day and can’t read it, it says, “Damn fool thing to do – asking a wood nymph for a little head.”

    This next video is so cool!

    2912

    And here is another cool video…this one is called: “If it were not FILMED, no one would BELIEVE IT | Videos you will not believe.”

     

    2913

    Okay, so I guess it’s video day…cause here’s another one.  This is a sequel to the last one, “If it were not filmed, no one would believe it! 2017”

     

    It doesn’t matter how big your house is, how much money you have, or that you wear expensive clothes.  Our graves will be the same size.  Stay humble.

    2914

    What did our parents do when they got bored with no internet?
    I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.

    2915

    Dragon Pix

    101d

    It’s a cool picture, I don’t know why. 

    2916

    Smart ass!

    An elderly couple were sat together and the lady said, “I remember when you kissed me whenever you could.”

    The man leant over and pecked her on the cheek.

    “I also remember when you held my hand all the time.”

    The old man placed his hand on hers.

    She continued, “I remember when you used to nibble my neck.”

    The old man got up and shuffled out of the room.

    “Where are you going?” asked the old lady.

    “To find my teeth,” said the old man.

    2917

    Every woman’s dream:
    Her ideal man takes her in his arms, throws her on the bed…
    and cleans the whole house while she sleeps.

    2918

    Well played, indeed.

    Fantasy Pix

    f2010120102

    Yeah, I just like this one, too.

    2919

    I know, that each and everyone of you know someone like that.  If you don’t, than maybe it’s you.

    A man went into a café and sat his six children at a table.  A woman asked, “Are all of those children yours?”
    ”No, I work for a condom company…these are customer complaints.”

    2920

     

    breaking news

    6b6c6d6e6f

     

    Once in awhile we just have to stand back in awe of government.
     
    The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing the greatest amount of free Meals and Food Stamps ever –46 million people.
     
    Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us “Please Do Not Feed the Animals.” Their stated reason for the policy is because, “The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves.”
     
    Thus ends today’s lesson in irony.

    2921

    Yeah, yeah…it should’ve have a groaner warning.

    Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and feel glad that you are alive?
    I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again…

    2922

    critter

    a86a87a88a89a90a91

    2923

    A man goes into this local place where bricks and cement blocks are sold, and orders 20,000 bricks.
    “May I ask what you’re building?” asks the man behind the counter.
    “Yeah, it’s going to be a barbecue.”
    That’s a lot of bricks for one barbecue,” “Not really; you have to consider that I live on the 18th floor.”    

    2924

    That is truly amazing!

    motivational

    18235151823616182391918240201827010

    2925

    11b

    2926

    How about finishing off with a couple of fun videos?

    0

    Cheers Impish

    Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

    Leprechaun Laughs # 404 for Wednesday August 9th 2017

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    Been raining or T-storming (or both) here everyday for about 10 days now so everything, including my Lord of the Fae throne is getting a wee bit waterlogged and mushroomy I’m afraid. I don’t really mind the mushrooms all that much, someone will pick them shortly I’m sure and after that they’ll wind up featured in a dinner. No, it’s the bloody damp pants and skivvies that bloody well annoy me! Even when I put a pad on the chair is soaks through quickly.

    Don’t suggest a golf umbrella over the throne either- that’s how my predecessor wound up waking up to find himself one of the Lollipop Guild Munchkins in Oz.

    On the bright side we’re sure as heck not in any danger of being drought stricken with all this rain. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off ta get fitted for one of those “Gorton’s Fisherman” rain slicker outfits. Wonder if it comes in green?

    Porkys 3 D

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    Between the heat and humidity here (to say nothing of the daily torrential T-storms) I’m seriously considering getting one of these installed here at Keebler Towers. Of course the two attendants will be much older and legal age. Diamen? Jeannie? Any takers on the positions? It even comes with free uniforms, that is if micro string bikinis can be called uniforms that is.

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    40 Things Never Said By Southerners

    40. Oh I just couldn’t. Hell, she’s only sixteen.

    39. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

    38. Duct tape won’t fix that.

    37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.

    36. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.

    35. We don’t keep firearms in this house.

    34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

    33. You can’t feed that to the dog.

    32. I thought Graceland was tacky.

    31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.

    30. Wrasslin’s fake.

    29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

    28. We’re vegetarians.

    27. Do you think my gut is too big?

    26. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

    25. Honey, we don’t need another dog.

    24. Who’s Richard Petty?

    23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

    22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

    21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.

    20. I just couldn’t find a thing at Walmart today.

    19. Trim the fat off that steak.

    18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

    17. The tires on that truck are too big.

    16. I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

    15. I’ve got it all on the C drive.

    14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

    13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?

    12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.

    11. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

    10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

    09. Checkmate.

    08. She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.

    07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

    06. Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.

    05. I don’t have a favorite college team.

    04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

    03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

    02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

    01. Nope, no more for me. I’m drivin tonight.

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    Amazing! Twin Magicians  BLOW YOUR MIND with Magic! America’s Got Talent 2017

    [Thanks to my Cali Beach Babes Diamen & Jeannie for this magical bit of entertainment.]

    A forked tongue speaks:

    A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.

    He said, “If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I’m for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.”

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    Ok I have to admit while funny this next one has serious merit!

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    The Stuttering Cat

    A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

    “Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.

    A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

    The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

    ‘Well’, she began, ‘I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!’

    ‘That must’ve been scary, ‘ said the teacher.

    ‘It sure was, ‘ said the little girl. ‘My kitty raised her back, went “Ffffff! Ffffff! FfffffF!” but before she could say ‘Fuck Off!’ the Rottweiler ate her!

    The teacher had to leave the room…

     

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    Here’s an idea- since it seems playing football can ultimately be potentially lethal deadly, maybe we should abolish Pro Football teams in favor of Pro Penitentiary teams like in that movie they made and then remade, The Longest Yard. Your team makes it to the Parole Bowl and you all get an extra parole hearing. No parole? Get a year off your sentence.  MVPs get promoted to custodial status.

    Dog lifeguard

    Some one needs to teach that dog it’s “Reach, Row, Throw & Go”!

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    And now, for perhaps the most frightening one of them all…

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    Impish is still carrying on a bit about Wood Chippers and getting fed to one, though admittedly he’s only doing it now whenever I give him a cross look or on the rare occasion he realizes he’s messed up badly.

    I fail to understand why. I mean seriously, come on! Hypothetically, were I ever going to do something like that, I’d need something a heck of a lot bigger and more powerful that that trailered little wood chipper! Something serious, industrial, heavy duty. Possibly something two stage even to get him into really little easy to dispose of bits. Something like this for example:

    NOT that I would EVER even CONSIDER doing something that cruel, hurtful or mean to my bestest bud and biggest paying client!

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    See Pal?  Your safe with me!  Besides, I can’t bill you for all the help I give you if your dead!

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    Cussing at Work

    Dear Employees:

    It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

    Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

    We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

    Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative ‘TRY SAYING’ phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

    Number 1
    TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
    INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.

    Number 2
    TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
    INSTEAD OF: She’s a f___ing bit__.

    Number 3
    TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
    INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

    Number 4
    TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
    INSTEAD OF : No f___ing way.

    Number 5
    TRY SAYING: Really?
    INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be sh___ing me!

    Number 6
    TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…
    INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

    Number 7
    TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
    INSTEAD OF: It’s not my f___ing problem.

    Number 8
    TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
    INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

    Number 9
    TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
    INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won’t work.

    Number 10
    TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
    INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn’t you tell me sooner?

    Number 11
    TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues…
    INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his a__.

    Number 12
    TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
    INSTEAD OF : Eat sh__ and die.

    Number 13
    TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
    INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

    Number 14
    TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
    INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I’m on salary.

    Number 15
    TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
    INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

    Number 16
    TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
    INSTEA D OF: This f___ing job sucks.

    Number 17
    TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
    INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

    Number 18
    TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
    INSTEAD OF: He’s a pr_ck.

    Thank You,
    Human Resources

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    Does that make him a cannibal or has he just stuck his foot in his mouth?

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    There were two nuns…

    One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

    It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

    SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

    SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.

    SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster…

    SM: It’s not working.

    SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

    SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

    SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

    So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

    Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

    Then Sister Logical arrives.

    SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

    SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me

    SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

    SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

    SM: And?

    SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

    SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?!

    SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

    SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

    SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

    SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

    And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

    I’ll pray for you!

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