It’s been a weekend.  Time if flying.  It seems like it’s going by so fast.  Just five minutes ago it was Thursday night and I was looking forward to a kind of three day weekend and now, as I write this, it’s late Sunday afternoon and I’m thinking about going back to work tomorrow.

It’s all going by so quick.  I don’t know if it’s just a sign of old age or if it’s God’s way of making time go by faster for me so I have less time to dwell on how lonely I am and bringing be closer to my heavenly reward faster and reuniting me with my dear Mary faster.  (and other loved ones) Don’t get me wrong, I am not anxious to die, not by any stretch of the imagination…or as the apostle Paul likes to say, “By no means”, but it does seem odd that time is actually flying by.  I have so much to do, and I’m always tired.  I try to stay busy.  Here’s how this coming week is planned out in my head.  And it is pretty typical.

Monday: Work 0630 to 1530, home by 1545, work on Dragon Laffs while making and eating dinner and feeding dogs and taking them out, Men’s Group 1745 to 2015 (includes travel time), study to 2130, bed.

Tuesday: Work 0630 to 1530, home by 1545, grocery shopping with Izzy till about 1730, dinner, dog routine till about 1830.  Work on Dragon Laffs (should finish Thursday’s issue) and study to 2130, bed

Wednesday: Work, (on base grief group from noon to 1300) home by 1600, dinner dog routine early, Jail Ministry 1745 to 2030, study, maybe start Saturday’s DL, pick Izzy up from work, study in car while waiting for her, bed at 2300

Thursday: Work (start of Super UTA Thursday through Sunday) hopefully off work by 1600, dinner dog routine, last week of free Thursday, starting next Thursday start a new Living Free Course that I am facilitating for next 14 weeks from 1830 to 2030, but this week going to use this time to work on DL and get ahead on next week’s course and of course, Bible Study., bed 2130

Friday:  Work (Super UTA) in-briefings for new commanders all day, maybe home by 1700, dinner dog, finish Saturday Dragon Laffs, Study in car while waiting for Izzy to get out of work, bed by 2300.

Saturday:  If I have students for class then class all day, if no students, then a short sleep in and Men’s Breakfast at church 0715 to 0930, Work 10 to 1700.  If students, work starts at 0600.  Try to finish Monday’s DL, probably not, study in car while waiting for Izzy again bed by 2300.

Sunday:  I already know I have students so work is from 0600 to 1700 and class all day on my feet and I should be dead by 1400.  But, I’ll have to die standing up and missing church.  Izzy is working again tonight, so I’ll probably finish up Monday’s DL tonight, do my normal routine while picking Izzy up at 10, even though they don’t get out until close to 1030 most nights and again I’ll be in the rack by 11. 

And that explains why my week goes by so fast.  There’s no time in there for watching TV or me time or anything else.  Which I guess is a good thing.  Now that I have it all written out I’m tempted to go back and erase it all, but I’ll leave it since I took the time to write it.  So for the rest of the issue…

You may not know this…
Many inanimate things have a gender:

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off it take a while to warm them back up again.  They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreck havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald, and it’s often over-inflated.
4) A hot Air Balloon is Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it, and of course there’s the whole hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they’re soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female, because it’s always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn’t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female.  Ha!  You thought it would be male, didn’t you?  But consider this: it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying bills, or cleaning up after their kids.

Fact of the Day:
Hawaiian Alphabet – The question is, “How many letters are there in the Hawaiian alphabet?  The answer is: 13.

Another of my baby pictures.

My wife said she saw a bowtie made from solid mahogany. 
She said she nearly bought it for me but she didn’t think I would wear it.
I replied, “Wooden tie?”

I have so many questions…

If you gave some people a penny for their thoughts, they’d have to give you back some change!

Keep your distance from people who will never admit they are wrong and always try to make you feel like it’s all your fault.

A couple of those could be on my list.

I don’t know why other than it’s a great picture.

If you’re having a bad day, remember that in 1976 Ronald Wayne sold his 10% stake in Apple for $800.  Today it’s worth $285,000,000,000!!!

Are they still “Bad Habits” if I enjoy them?

A continuous part of my life now!

Be careful who you pretend to be.  
You might forget who you are.

Be yourself.
People don’t have to like you, and you don’t have to care.

Things haven’t been the same since the house fell on my sister.

And it will happen a lot faster and a lot sooner than you think.

Before you judge someone, ask yourself — What could they be going through?  What’s their story?  What’s happening in their life to make them respond this way?  Take a minute and think of all you’ve been through and all you’ve been forgiven for — and there is a good chance the judgment will be replaced with compassion and understanding.

It should be MORE important at our borders!!!!!!

Every since that middle schooler got in trouble at school for wearing the shirt that said “There are only 2 genders” I wanted to get one to wear around at work and around town to see how many people would start fights with me.  If the rainbow coalition can wear shirts that say whatever they want to say, why can’t he wear a shirt that says what he believes?  Because it doesn’t fit in with the democratic tag line?  Just like it’s fine to wear a shirt that says “Black Lives Matter”.  Of course they do, ALL LIVES MATTER!  But being a white guy, what if I wore a shirt that said, “White Lives Matter”?  Or even worse, Old White Lives Matter since I’m an old white guy?  What if I wore that shirt?  

No kidding.  You wanted them, YOU take care of them!!!

Sometimes the black sheep of the family is the only one who has the guts to tell the truth!

I don’t regret burning my bridges
I regret that some people weren’t on those bridges when I burnt them.

I was going to say, “Calgon take me away” but today I’m feeling more like “Jose Cuervo, you are a friend of mine.”

This next is from Lynn and it’s called “Food For Thought”.  We’ve seen a lot of them before, but some of them are new:

• How is it that the government can’t control gasoline prices… But the weather is something they can fix?

• If kids knew what they wanted to be at age eight, the world would be filled with cowboys and princesses. I wanted to be a pirate.
Thank goodness nobody took me seriously and scheduled me for eye removal and peg-leg surgery. —Bill Maher

• Why were we told to lower our AC usage on hot days to prevent overwhelming the electric grid while simultaneously being told to trade in our gas cars for electric vehicles?

• Why is canceling student debt a good idea? Does it make sense to reward people who do not honor their financial commitment by taxing the people who do?

• Does it make sense to cut off oil from an ally and buy it from an enemy who calls for your death?

• Eliminating the production of 500,000 American barrels of oil a day to buy 500,000 barrels a day from Russia is simply…well…stupid.

• Are we living in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended?

• Why is talking sexually in the workplace considered sexual harassment to adults…but talking about sexuality to children K-3 at school considered education?

• I saw a movie where only the police and military had guns; it was called Schindler’s List.

• Why are we running out of money for Social Security and Medicare and not for welfare, illegals and free college?

• If an 18 year old isn’t mature enough to own a firearm, then maybe five year olds aren’t mature enough to change their gender

• Nobody called it “Toxic Masculinity” when we were saving the world.

• Mice die in mouse traps because they do not understand why the cheese is free… Just like socialism.

• The most powerful governments on earth can’t stop a virus from spreading… but they say they can change the earth’s temperature if you pay more taxes.

• Want to stop drunk drivers from killing sober drivers? Ban sober drivers from driving. That’s how gun control and COVID lockdowns work.

This explains why the United States today is not the country that I grew up in.

Did you ever look around your family and think — somewhere there is a carnival running itself!

“I wanted a perfect ending.  Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end.”

~ Gilda Radner

For those of you who don’t know who Gilda Radner was, do yourself a favor and look her up on line.  Look at her biography BEFORE you start looking at some of her old YouTube videos from the original Saturday Night Live.

And that’s a good place to call it an episode my friends.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

There are certain things that can be counted on in life.  Certain things that you can rely on to happen regularly or to happen in response to other things.  You can expect Joe from NJ to send us some golden oldie jokes…and as I sit here with my laptop on my lap, in my living room on Friday morning, starting off this episode of Dragon Laffs, I can glance a tiny bit to my left and see a screen full of emails from Joe that I know are full of jokes and memes waiting to be added to this and upcoming issues for all of our enjoyment.  Something to be counted on, relied on, expected and cherished. 

Going through my comments this morning I got one from Friggin’ Pete that said:

If you want to click on the link you can.  In a nutshell, 3 very young off duty Marines asked a bunch of teenagers to stop setting off fireworks when and where they shouldn’t have been setting them off and they got attacked.  About 40 teens had them on the ground kicking and beating them.  The fact that they were Marines just makes it worse, but that they would treat ANYBODY that way for asking them to stop doing something they shouldn’t have been doing is just appalling.  So yeah, the last thing, in this little opening statement that you can count on is that this Dragon is going to get angry, righteously ANGRY over the mistreatment of anybody, but most especially a service member.  When it’s worse than 10 to 1 and the young men are curled up on the ground and you are kicking them.  I agree Sammye, hung, drawn and quartered. 

Just to start off this laugh fest the right way, to be hung, drawn and quartered was to be dragged to the place where you were going to be hung, usually behind a horse, sometimes in some sort of device.  This was one definition of the “drawn” part.  Then you were hung by the neck until you were almost dead.  This is not the normal dropping you from a height to snap your neck kind of hanging, this was much more slow and torturous.  This took a bit of skill.  Of course this was the “hung” part.  Then, while you were still alive you were laid out on a table and you were cut open down through your abdomen where your intestines and sex organs were removed and thrown in an open flame near by especially prepared for this.  This part is the other definition for the “drawn” part.  Finally, your head was cut off and the rest of your body was cut into four pieces (“quartered”) and those pieces were normally spread around the area as a warning to other people.  And yes, I think that would be quite appropriate punishment to be brought back for such cowardly, mob related acts of stupid violence.  Could also be used on rioters who burn and loot other peoples property in the name of “Peaceful demonstration” is what I think the democrats called it.

Now that we’ve gotten that fun start to the issue… 

The new office-boy came into his boss’s office and said, “I think you’re wanted on the phone, sir.”

“What do you mean, you think?” demanded the boss.

“Well, sir, the phone rang, I answered it and a voice said ‘Is that you, you old fool?'” explained the boy.

Two little boys were arguing.

“My father is better than your father!”

“No he’s not!”

“My brother is better than your brother!”

“No he’s not!”

“My mother is better than your mother!”

The second boy paused. “Well I guess you’ve got me there. My father says the same thing.”

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations do not go together:

A nose ring and bifocals

Spiked hair and bald spots

A pierced tongue and dentures

Miniskirts and support hose

Ankle bracelets and corn pads

Speedos and cellulite

A bellybutton ring and a gallbladder surgery scar

Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

Bikinis and liver spots

Short shorts and varicose veins

In-line skates and a walker

You know those “Official” photos that you have to pose for when you are crowned king or made president?  This is mine from last year when I was anointed Grand Shaman of the Dragon Writers Guild.

An ugly old lady went to an auction sale.

There she was attracted to a parrot in a gilded cage. The parrot was large, very healthy looking and exquisitely colored. The old lady was so attracted by the parrot’s appearance that she couldn’t help but bid on it. She bid, determined to have the parrot, but another bidder competed and drove the price very high. The old lady eventually bought the parrot.

She was at the cashier’s desk and told the cashier that she was so excited about the beautiful appearance of the parrot that she had neglected to ask if it could talk.

The parrot spoke up, “Who do you think was bidding against you?”

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed  it. 

I had amnesia once — or twice. 

I went to San  Francisco. I found someone’s heart. Now what? 

Protons have mass?  I didn’t even know they were Catholic. 

All I ask is a chance to  prove that money can’t make me happy. 

If the world were a logical  place, men would ride horses side-saddle. 

What is a “free” gift?  Aren’t all gifts free? 

They told me I was gullible . and I  believed them. 

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as  long. 

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else  is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical  questions? 

One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people. 

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every  problem begins to look like a nail. 

A flashlight is a  case for holding dead batteries. 

What was the greatest thing  before sliced bread? Hmmmm? 

My weight is perfect for my height —  which varies. 

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not  sure. 

The cost of living hasn’t affected its  popularity. 

How can there be self-help  “groups”? 

Is there another word for synonym? 

Where  do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”? 

The speed of time  is one-second per second. 

Is it possible to be totally  partial? 

What’s another word for thesaurus? 

Is  Marx’s tomb a communist plot? 

If swimming is so good for your  figure, how do you explain whales? 

It’s not an optical illusion.  It just looks like one. 

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings  taste like chicken? 

I don’t know if it’s true or not and that picture certainly doesn’t match, but it is a good story.

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. 

He inquired of God, “Where have you been?” 

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look Michael, look what I’ve made.” 

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?” 

“It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.” 

“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused. 

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, “For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.” 

God continued, pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.” 

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass in the top corner and asked, “What’s that one?” 

“Ah,” said God. “That’s Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be found traveling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I’m also going to give them superhuman, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them.” 

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, “What about balance, God? You said there would be BALANCE!” 

God replied wisely, 

“Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I’m putting next to them.” 

Guardian Angels do exist – ours just come very well armed.

This one is way cool.  I got it from a couple of different sources.

A kindhearted man walks past a beggar every day and gives him $20 and that continues for a year. Suddenly the daily handout changes to $10.

“Well,” the beggar thinks, “it’s still better than nothing.”

A year passes in this way until the man’s daily handout suddenly becomes $5.

One day, the beggar asks the kindhearted man, “What’s going on now?” “First you give me $20 every day, then it became $10 every day, and now only $5 a day. What’s the problem?”

“Well,” the man says, “last year my eldest son went to college to become a doctor specializing in the treatment of children’s cancer. It’s very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my daughter also went to college to work in medical science with hopes to find cures for diseases plaguing the world, so I had to cut my expenses even further.”

“And how many children do you have?” the beggar asks.

“Four,” the man replies.

“Well,” says the beggar, “I hope you don’t plan to educate them all at my expense.”

I think we’ve probably done this one before, but since I’m too old to remember…

Since  Youngsters  of  Today  have  their  Texting  Codes  *(  LOL,  OMG,  TTYL,  etc.)* 
the  Oldies  decided  not  to  be  outdone  by  these  kids  and  now  have  developed  our  own  codes  too  :
🔷ATD  –  At  the  Doctor’s*
🔷BFF  –  Best  Friend’s  Funeral
🔷BTW  –  Bring  the  Wheelchair
🔷BYOT  –  Bring  your  own  teeth
🔷FWIW  –  Forgot  Where  I  Was
🔷GGPBL  –  Gotta  Go,  Pacemaker  Battery  Low*
🔷GHA  –  Got  Heartburn  Again
🔷TFT  –  Texting  From  Toilet.
👍Now  share  this  with  some  other  oldies,  who  are  50+,  and  make  their  day👍”

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: “What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?” the minister asked.

“Try to fix it if it’s big; ignore it if it’s insignificant,” replied the lawyer. “What do you do?”

The minister replied, “Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say ‘the devil is the father of liars,’ but instead I said ‘the devil is the father of lawyers,’ so I let it go.”

As chaplain in a university residence hall, I am supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on pets.

That changed when a kitten adopted me. The freshmen in my dorm kept my secret. They covered for me by calling my kitten “the Book,” since I had so many in my room.

One morning I was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a carrier. A student stopped me and asked, “Where are you taking the Book?”

I exlained that I was taking the kitten to the vet. “She’s getting neutered today,” I told him.

“Hmmm,” the student responded, “no sequels.”

No, you really friggin’ can’t!

I’m pretty sure we’re going to have to!

I don’t know…all my noises and smells are explained.

An American with a parrot perched on his shoulder walked into a pub.

The landlord said, “Wow! That’s really neat! Where’d you get him?”

“In America,” the parrot replied. “They have millions of them.”

Every woman wants a husband who is handsome, understanding, rich, and loving.
But the law allows only one husband.

One woman’s hobby is another woman’s hubby.

The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.

It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.

If you can’t get a lawyer who knows the law, get one who knows the judge.

A man owes his success to his first wife
and he owes his second wife to his success.

Love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.

When a woman steals your Husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Marriage is like a cage; those outside are desperate to get in, and those inside are desperate to get out.

Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with;
only marry someone that you cannot live without.

There is no security on this earth, there is only opportunity.

-Douglas MacArthur (1880 – 1964)

Izzy sent this to me.  I hope it’s satire.  I truly hope it’s not real!

Doug goes to a doctor and says: “Doctor, my wife recently has lost her voice. What should I do to help her get it back?”

The doctor replies, “Try coming home at 3 in the morning!”

The minister’s little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week, that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn’t go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.

When Saturday arrived, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic after all, the child’s reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.

“Why, what’s the matter, honey? I thought you’d be happy to go to the picnic.” her mother said.

“It’s too late!” the little girl replies sarcastically. . . “I’ve already prayed for rain!”

A parts manager for a small electronics shop, had occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory. But when he received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead.

Furious at the factory’s incompetence, he promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind.

Less than a week later, he received the same part back with a letter containing just four words: “TURN THE PART OVER.”

Yeah, that’s really true.  Nor Bigfoot (Yeti, Sasquatch (other than ours) Abominable Snowman, et al) 

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon “quickie.” 

“Don’t worry,” he purrs. “My wife is out of town on a business trip, so there’s no risk.” 

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, “We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!” 

“No problem,” her lover replies. “I’ll get my wife’s diaphragm.” 

After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. 

“That witch!” he exclaims. “She took it with her! I always knew she didn’t trust me!” 

WHAT          THE          HECK          !?!?!?

If you take all the veins, arteries and capillaries from a man’s body and lay them end to end in a straight line……

That man would die!

And that’s it again my friends.  May your day be blessed with love and happiness.

So, it’s Thursday when you’re reading this, although it’s Sunday when I’m starting it.  Went to church today and our pastor gave a really good talk on how it’s our responsibility to bring our ministry to others.  Also talked about the Armor of God.  Ephesians 6:11  Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 

We need all this and more to bring out to the world, to protect ourselves from what is going on in the world right now.  I would love to sit here and talk to you about all of this, to any of you who is willing to listen.  But Dragon Laffs has a different mission.  Well, similar mission, different game plan.  We still work for God, but with laughter.  We still fight with prayer and blessings, intermixed with finger pointing and more laughter. 

I’m not really sure where I’m going with this opening since I’ve written it and erased it and re-written it again.  Got a lot of stuff bouncing around in this big blue head of mine and I’m pretty sure that my medication is messing with me again, since I can’t seem to hold my eyes open half the time and then can’t fall asleep the other half of the time. 

So, rather than playing ping pong inside Impish Dragon’s head with his psyche, let’s go ahead and …

And as Stephanie pointed out, they are the tender ones.

This was NOT sent in by Marsha, although I bet it shoulda been.

That was kinda my thought…since when is looking up somebody’s butt “routine”?

Before you get as mad as I started to get over this one, keep in mind that she is suing.  Not that she won her suit or anything else.  Anyone can sue anyone for anything.  Personally, I think we should have laws about frivolous law suits, but as far as I know, we don’t in most instances.

Friggin’ Pete sent us a copy of Biden’s latest Presidential Edict:

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, and I gave him a few pats on his head.
He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar:
“I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
“He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”

World Traveler

Shhh!  I’m hiding Out!

This is “A Pocket Full of Puns” from Lynn

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

Just so everyone is clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer. 

My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.

I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it. 

Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, they’re, their.

I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

And here’s a bunch from Joe from NJ who says, “Couple of these might be usable…”

• Did you know muffins spelled backwards is what you do when youtake them out of the oven?
• Scientifically, a raven has 17 primary wing feathers, the big ones at the end of the wing. 

• • They are called pinion feathers. A crow has 16. 
  • So, the difference between a raven and a crow is only a matter of a pinion.

• I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. 

• • I turned to a local tribal leader and said, “That lizard is really funny!” 
  • The leader replied, “That’s not a lizard. He’s a stand-up chameleon.

• I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. 

• • I thought I nailed it but nobody saw it.

• Just spoke with Bill Withers and told him “Ain’t No Sunshine” is bad grammar. 

• • He said, “I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.”

• Singing in the shower is fine until you get soap in your mouth. 

• • Then it’s a soap opera.

• The Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song …

• • But the chick peas can only hummus one.

• Then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court… 

• • It was a brief case.

• How much does a chimney cost? 

• • Nothing, it’s on the house.

• My friend said she wouldn’t eat cow’s tongue because it came out of a cow’s mouth. 

• • I gave her an egg.

• Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. 

• • He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler.

• Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves. 

• • Today was just the tip of the iceberg, and tomorrow romaines to be seen.

• My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. 

• • That’s right…Jack and the beans talk.

• I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants. 

• • You probably have not heard of herbivore.

• I was struggling to understand how lightning works … 

• • And then it struck me.

• Six cows were smoking joints and playing poker. 

• • That’s right. The steaks were pretty high.

• I went to the paint store to get thinner. 

• • It didn’t work.

I think I need to apologize for both of them…but I won’t.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. 

The plot thickens.

This is Great Uncle Henry.  Great Uncle Henry fought in the Goblin Wars of ’67.  In fact, he was one of the Hero Leaders.   

Stopping to pick up my daughter at kindergarten, I found out that the topic of show and tell that day had been parents’ occupations. 

The teacher pulled me aside. Whispering, she advised, “You might want to explain a little bit more to your daughter what you do for a living.” 

I work as a training consultant and often conduct my seminars in motel conference rooms. 

When I asked why, the teacher explained, “Your daughter told the class she wasn’t sure what you did, but said you got dressed real pretty and went to work at motels.” 

A college student has been thrown out of his apartment for not paying his rent, so he sends an e-mail to his father. 

“Please send money. I’m in the street.” 

The father replies, “Have no money. Watch out for cars.” 

Not a word!  I’d tell you a story, but the lady is no longer here to defend herself, but let’s say that it involved glasses and holding her hair up in a bun with a #2 yellow pencil…

A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian. 

The motorist’s lawyer made this point: “Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years.” 

To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted: “Your honor, if we are going to judge this case by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over fifty years.”  

Feeling Old In 2023? This might be the reason why…

• The Beatles split 49years ago.

• The movie, ‘Wizard of Oz’ is 84 years old.

• Elvis died 46 years ago. He’d be 88 today.

• Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’ video is 41 years old.

• Mickey Mantle retired 54 years ago.

• The movie, ‘Saturday Night Fever’ is 48 years old.

• The Ed Sullivan show ended 52 years ago

• The Corvette turned 70 years old this year.

• The Mustang is 59.

Well, I wasn’t before, but now I am!!!  Thanks Joe!!

What does a a dog do that a man steps in ?   

>>>>> 

Pants

A man’s mind, stretched by a new idea, can never go back to its original dimension. 

-Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr., (1809 – 1894) 

A man buys a parrot, but after several weeks of trying, is unable to get it to speak a single word. In desperation he takes the bird to a vet for advice. 

The vet tells him that the parrot’s beak is too long which is preventing him from speaking. He says that he can file it down for $100. 

The parrot’s owner thought that was rather expensive and wondered aloud if he could just file it down himself. 

The vet tells him that it is a very delicate procedure and must be done by a trained professional. If he does not file enough, the bird still wont be able to talk, but if he files too much, the bird will drown while drinking his water. 

The man decides to think it over and leaves with the parrot. 

Several weeks later, the vet happens to meet the parrot owner who is looking rather down. He inquires about the parrot and the man replies that his parrot is dead. 

“Did you try to file his beak down yourself?” asked the vet. The man nods his head. 

“And he drowned while trying to drink his water, right?” 

“No,” replied the parrot’s owner, “he was dead when I took his head out of the vise.”

Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn?

She woke up with a kernel between her legs.

The highly religious young man entered his wedding chamber and was shocked to find his new young bride awaiting him, spread-eagle and naked on their bed.

“My dear!” he exclaimed, “I expected to find you beside our bed and on your knees!”

“OK,” she said, obediently changing positions, “but I always get the hiccups when I screw in that position.”

Once a young boy was watching his mother take a bath.

As she got out to dry off, he notices her upper torso he asks “Momma what are those?”

She replies “Son those are my breasts,” as she turns her back to him he asks “Momma what is that?” she replies “Son that is my derriere.”

As she turns to slip on her robe he spies her nether region and asks “Momma what is that?” She replies “That son is none of your business!”

Later the boy is playing by the kitchen door, and the father comes in from work hungry. The father hollers toward the kitchen to the mom, “Hey honey, what’s for dinner?”

She replies “None of your business.”

The son shaking his head says “YUCK!”

What an odd issue this turned out to be.  I ran out of time, didn’t get to do half the stuff I wanted to do, but at least you guys got an episode.  Until Saturday.  

It’s Memorial Day.  We don’t say, “Happy Memorial Day”.  Take a look at the picture above and you can understand why we don’t say, “Happy Memorial Day”.  It’s not a day for picnics and hot dogs and mattress sales.  It’s a day to reflect on the sacrifice that so many men and women gave in service to this country.

Would the men and women who gave up their lives for this country look around and say that it was worth it?  Another way of looking at that question is to ask ourselves, ARE WE WORTHY OF THE SACRIFICE THAT THEY ALL MADE FOR US?  Can we ask them?  Was it worth it then?  Is it worth it now?  IS AMERICA WORTHY?  Men and women of the United States military, is America still worth dying for?

I was listening to Joey Jones on Fox News tonight.  He lost both of his legs to an IED.  So that makes him a retired Marine Staff Sgt.  Medically retired.  He came up with a great response to people who say to him, “Thank you for your service.”  Which is a great thing, because I never know what to say back.  He say, “Thank you for being worth serving.”  He says it’s a win/win.  Because one, if they are worthy of being served, you know, one of the good guys and you just got to thank them for that.  What a blessing that is! And you just made them feel good.  Or B, they aren’t worth it, but you said it anyway and now they have to go home and think about what you just said.  Because they know.  And it’s gonna prey on them.

Memorial Day. 

A time to remember.

You can thank a Vet today if you want to, that’s never out of line, but that’s not what today is for.  Today is for remembering. 

I’ll throw some laughter in here too.  It wouldn’t be Dragon Laffs without that, but I’m also feeling nostalgic.  So, there will be a bit of that, too.

This next one, starting from here, and the words that come after, are from Friggin’ Pete and are duplicated in the exact way he sent them to me.  Thank you Pete.

I always like to pop this next one in, just so everyone knows the difference.  Although we hardly do anything for Armed Forces Day, I just looked it up and it just passed.  It was last Saturday, May 20th.  A week ago.  Nothing said on base, nothing said on Dragon Laffs.  What a shame. 

Now, there’s a question…are we ashamed of our current Armed Forces?  Maybe because of our current commander in chief?  Maybe because our own Navy is using a drag queen for recruiting?  Those two are enough to embarrass the crap out of me! 

But, this is neither the time nor the place for that discussion.  Today is Memorial Day, and let’s remember what that means.

To my brothers and sisters in uniform, whether it be the military, police, medical, whatever, all of those who have given their lives in service by running towards the sound of gunfire and violence to defend the defenseless, to protect and serve; And to their families who have lost their mothers and fathers, their sons and daughters, their brothers and sisters, their husbands and wives; this day is yours.  It is not enough.  It is no where NEAR enough.  Jesus tells us that “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.”  You have done this for us.  We can’t thank you enough, nor your families.  No, one day is not enough.  And I’ll ask the question again at the end, like I asked at the beginning, maybe a little different this time…

ARE WE LIVING A LIFE WORTHY OF BEING SACRIFICED FOR?

That’s it, that’s my Memorial Day Issue.  Normally I’ll intersperse the holiday stuff with the regular stuff, but for some reason this time I felt like it was important enough for it to stand alone.  So, what I want you all to do right now is go, take an hour off, think about what we just talked about; Contemplate everything we discussed so far this morning; Ponder your own worthiness for an hour and then you can come back and we’ll have a regular issue for a little while and share some laffs.  How does that sound?  Go on.  Go grab a coffee and do some thinking.  I’ll wait.

No cheating! 

You know that hasn’t been an hour yet!

Go on.

While you you guys are doing that, I’ll change out the lighting, put up some more new wallpaper, change the seating around a little bit, do a little housekeeping, and …

When your child says, “Daddy, I want Mommy.”  That’s the kid version of, “I’d like to speak to your supervisor.”

If exercising releases dopamine, and the release of dopamine is why we get addicted to things, why do I hate exercising rather than getting addicted to it?

Fact of the Day:

What is Deipnophobia? 

Deipnophobia is the fear of dining in public.  The anxiety can be related to the dining itself or it can be caused by the fear of having to participate in dinner conversations.

♪♫”Get your motor running”♫♪

Okay, so yes I did and yes it does.

It’s almost summer, and I’m proud to say that my body is beach ready. 

Normandy beach.

This dragon thinks this is a marvelous idea!!!

Spiderman’s Jacket — Did you know that Spiderman has a winter jacket made entirely of Mediterranean flat bread? 

It’s a Pita Parka.

A guy just tried to MANSPLAIN to me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse, thanks!

Oh My Gosh!!!  What in the world!  

“Head out on the highway?”

So, the same crowd as last time, huh?

Do not accept a friend request from Leroy Brown.  He’s the baddest man in the whole damn town.

I don’t understand why Gyms have mirrors.  I know what I look like.  That’s why I’m here!

If she’s funny that’s a red flag bro! 

Mentally stable girls aren’t funny.

And each and everyone of those son-of-a-guns is messed up, full of arthritis, misaligned, and hurting like hell!

Or a politician…

Apparently this guy at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leapfrog.  My bad, dude, my bad.

I was contacted by an obvious scammer the other day. 

They asked for $160 and I went along with it.

I got their Cashapp and sent them 1 dollar instead of $160, lulling them into a false belief that they are smart and I am dumb. 

They were all like, “lolol wrong amount but I got the dollar you sent, you can send me $159 and it will still be fine.”

So I typed in $159 on Cashapp then pressed “Request” instead of “Send”

Pretty sure they didn’t read it.  They definitely just clicked “accept” instead of “decline” and I proceeded to block the lowlife scammer, $159 richer.

I so truly hope that this is a true story!  That it was a scam and that it backfired on them just that way.

My friend got a degree in Egyptology, but can’t get a job.  So he’s paying more money to get a PhD, so he can work teaching other people Egyptology.  In his case college is literally a pyramid scheme.

That is such a weird picture.  Can’t tell if it’s photoshopped or what it is.

It amazes me that I still occasionally get complaints about my Political beliefs.  You know, I’ve been doing this for a LONG time, I complain about both sides…maybe not equally, but I do.  Put the republicans back in power and I’ll complain about them more, I promise.  But look up, just a little bit, what does the heading say?  Politically Incorrect.  So, what is it that you guys expect from me?  LOL!  What am I?  I’m American!  I’m a constitutionalist!  I believe in the Judeo – Christian Values that this country was founded on!  Okay, let me kick that soap box back under the counter.  Moving on…

A long time ago I learned not to explain things to people. 

It misleads them into thinking they’re entitled to know everything I do.

And the thing is, to them, that makes perfect sense.

Politicians are like sperm.  One in a million turn out to be an actual human being.

Amen and Amen.  It is YOUR responsibility to protect YOUR self and YOUR family.  

I’ve never seen the inside of my ears. 

But I’ve heard good things.

Let’s include some mail…or comments as it were:

Paddy sat in a pub wondering why he’s only got 3 brothers when his sister has 4.

This month I’m doing a challenge called “MAY”.  It’s where you try to get through every day of May.

And that is it my friends.  I hope you all have a great week.

It’s Thursday night and I hurried home from work today to jump on my lawnmower to get the jungle cut down…or…um…lawn mowed, so I could start my LONG FOUR-DAY WEEKEND!!! Four days off with nothing to … oh …

wait…

I’ve got appointments most of the day tomorrow, so can’t really count Friday as a day off, although it will be nice to not have to go into work and get to sleep in a little… oh …

wait…

The first appointment is first thing in the morning so I don’t get to sleep in?  Well, that’s okay, at least I’ll get a nice three-day weekend to sit back, relax, and … oh …

wait…

I’ve got to catch up on my shopping and I promised Izzy I’d take her to different stores in actually two different towns, one on one side of where we live and one on the other side of where we live and then I have a graduation party to go to for a friend’s daughter who is graduating high school.  Now, mind you, she is special to me and I’m very proud of her for going to Army basic training during the summer between her junior and senior year and now she is in the Army National Guard WHILE she is still in high school … BUT. 

Okay, so it’s a two-day weekend, with Church on Sunday and nothing scheduled for Monday (so far)…it’s more than I usually get, so I’m CALLING THIS ONE A WIN!!! 

So, let’s get Saturday’s issue put together so we can put some time into Monday’s Memorial Day episode. So, let’s do this!

Another really old one, but good one…Thanks Joe!

My neighbour found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet, who found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Nora that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some “Immac” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.

Nora went to the chemist and bought some “Immac” hair remover. At the till, the pharmacist told her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.”

Nora say’s, “I’m not using it under my arms.”

The pharmacist said, “If you’re using it on your legs, don’t shave for a couple of days.”

Nora replied, “I’m not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer.”

The pharmacist say’s, “Oh well, in that case, stay off your bicycle for about a week.”

I’m going to tell you right now, before you guys start throwing things at me, that it was Lynn!  Lynn sent in all this really bad groaners and puns that you are about to read.  Yes, I know it was me that printed them, but it was Lynn, LYNN who sent them in.

The Roman emperor’s wife hates playing hide and seek because wherever she goes, Julius Caesar.

I like what mechanics wear, overall.

If you are being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.

I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get pasta

I don’t know what you call a small spillage from a pen but I have an inkling.

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon but it never really took off.

I hate funerals — I’m not a mourning person.

I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

I’m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite remarkable.

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester.

Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.

The other day she tried to make a chemistry joke, but got no reaction.

It’s funny — England doesn’t have a kidney bank, but has a Liverpool.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

I’m not going to ask you again, WHERE THE HECK ARE MY GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!?!?

If an old dude ever gives you advice while peeling an apple with a pocket knife and eating pieces right off the blade, you should probably take it.

“Shhh!  I’m hiding!”

This one is just plain cool!!!

Arguing with idiots is like playing chess with a pigeon…No matter how good you are, the bird is going to crap on the board and strut around like it won anyway.

You never appreciate what you have till it’s gone.  Toilet paper is a good example.

What in the world is going on here?!  I have some SERIOUS questions!!

WHAT THE HELL???!!!!

Do you remember the Twilight Zone where the guy wakes up from the nightmare and he’s in the web of the giant spider?  Yeah, same thing.

You’re never too old to throw random stuff into people’s shopping carts when they aren’t looking.

When I grow up I want to be a retired Lottery Winner.

The highest-grossing film of all time is not “Avatar” or “Avengers: Endgame,” but a 1946 Soviet propaganda film called “The Great Citizen,” which is estimated to have sold over 425 million tickets.

The 1971 film “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” was financed by Quaker Oats as a way to promote a new candy bar, but the candy bar failed and the film became a cult classic.

The first-ever Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards, “Wings,” featured several actors who actually fought in  World War I, including a 21-year-old named Gary Cooper.

The world’s shortest feature film, “Fresh Guacamole,” is just 1 minute and 40 seconds long and was nominated for an Academy Award in 2013.  

The highest-paid actor of all time is Marlon Brando, who made $3.7 million for just 12 days of work on the film “Superman” in 1978.

DAD JOKE WARNING!!

I was racking up to play pool with my son, and he said, “Do you wanna break?”

“Why?”  I said, “We haven’t even started yet!”

!Breaking!

A new and more lethal OMICRON variant has been detected.
It’s called BS-24/7.
It attacks the truth and insults your intelligence.

I’m trying, sign.  I’m trying.

Okay, you say “Trans-gendered”
I say “Neutered“…same thing.

That’s five…

If you’re ever in a fist fight and you win, call them an ambulance.  Now, not only have you kicked their butt, they also have to pay $5k for an ambulance ride.

Inoculate your kids against socialism by having them clean the bathroom.  Pay them $10.  Then take away $7 and give it to their sibling who didn’t help.  Socialism won’t seem so attractive then!

In college we named our intramural softball team “NO GAME SCHEDULED” because if the other team didn’t show up they lost their league deposit and forfeited.  It worked several times.  Everyone hated us and nothing as cool as that has happened to me since.

Welcome to the rest of us Calvin’s Dad.

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

Well, yeah.  Everybody knows this.

Actually, that’s a pretty good dad joke.

And I know I’ve run this one before, but it is worth  running over and over again…

For all of you morons out there asking for “Father’s Day” and “Mother’s Day” to be changed to “Special Person’s Day” there is already a day just for you.

It’s the first of April and it’s called “April Fool’s Day!”

And with that crappy Dad Joke we’ll end it right here for the day.