Welcome to Saturday!

I can’t believe it’s almost the end of March!

Absolutely impossible to believe.

I’m actually writing this from last Sunday, so I haven’t been to the Urologist yet, I haven’t gone through Mary’s Birthday yet, and I’ve been wondering this whole weekend why my anxiety is through the roof.

The nice part is, by the time you are reading this, it will all be moot.

So, why not just go right to the fun stuff, right?

Celebrate with Dad?! What?!

That’s me…100%. Sadly, it comes with the job. I know of too real life monsters.

This happens to me every single weekend.

As should all of us with our friends.

Rest in Peace Chuck.

Does everyone remember Spy vs. Spy? That was one of my favorite parts of Mad Magazine!

Two traps you need to avoid:

1. Caring what they think

2. Thinking that they care

It was a beautiful day today, got up to almost 80°F. I just heard the forecast for tomorrow. What the heck is wrong with this place!!! Low of 28 high of 45! Hey, it’s Indiana, if you don’t like the weather, wait a minute.

My Roomba just beat me to a Cheeto that I dropped on the floor.

This is how the war against the machines begins.

Some of us have better jobs than others…

Nothing but truth in this.

Joe sent us this, timeless lessons:

10 Life Lessons Not Taught in School

Thoughtful and considerate physician-Parents  might want to offer up the following 10 lessons to their children, lessons about things they did not and will not learn in school. 

Lesson 1: life is not fair –get used to it.

Lesson 2: The world won’t care about your self esteem . It will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. And even then it won’t care if you feel good about yourself or not.

Lesson 2: You will not make $50,000 a year right out of high school. ROFLMAO! Okay, this one may need to be updated, but still.  My first year out of high school I made $5,000. That was working for the Air Force.

Lesson 3: You won’t be a vice president with a car phone until you earn both. You don’t get anything until you earn it.

Lesson 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait until you get a boss. Wait until you get THAT boss. You all know what I mean.

Lesson 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping they called it opportunity.  Nothing is beneath your dignity if you are taking care of your family. 

Lesson 6: If you mess up, it’s not your parents fault so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them. Your mistakes are never someone else’s fault. Own them, learn from them, we all make them, stand up, keep going.

Lesson 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills , cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try cleaning your own room. Nothing more.

Lesson 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers but life has not. Some schools have abolished failing grades and will give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to anything in real life. 

Lesson 9: life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested  helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time. And as you get older, you have less and less of “your own time.”

Lesson 10: Television is not real life. In real life people have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.  Yeah, nobody believes that TV is real life. ‘Cause nowadays real life is crazier than TV.

Okay, so I didn’t believe this. So I tried it myself and it works. You actually get 4 choices! LOL! I listened to Man Eater… okay, so only for about 30 seconds (one can only take so much) but it does work.

This cracked me up!!

This kind of goes along with what I read in my Bible study this morning. It was the reference for Romans 3:9 and it says: All the world is under sin, and yet sin is considered an archaic topic in our secular society. It’s not hard to guess why. Vice is something done against oneself; crime is something done against society or an individual; but sin is against God. Since modern culture is essentially atheistic, “sin” has become a meaningless term. Sin seems to mean nothing to people nowadays. Crime and punishment, yes, but sin not so much.

I always dreaded old age. I cannot imagine anything worse than being old. 

How awful it must be to have nothing to do all day long but stare at the walls or watch TV. 

So last week, when the Mayor suggested we all celebrate Senior Citizen Week by cheering up a senior citizen, I decided to do just  that. I would call on my new neighbor, an elderly retired gentleman, recently widowed, and whom, I presumed, had moved in with his married daughter because he was too old to take care of himself. 

I baked a batch of brownies and, without bothering to call (some old people cannot hear the phone), I went off to brighten this old guy’s day. 

When I rang the doorbell this “old guy” came to the door dressed in tennis shorts and a polo shirt, looking about as ancient and decrepit as Donny Osmond. 

“I’m sorry I can’t invite you in,” he said when I introduced myself, “but I’m due at the Racquet Club at two. I’m playing in the semifinals today.” 

“Oh that’s all right,” I said. “I baked you some  brownies . . . ” 

“Great!” he interrupted, snatching the box. “Just what I need for bridge club tomorrow! Thanks so much!” 

I continued, ” . . . and just thought we’d visit a while. But that’s okay! I’ll just trot across the street and call on Granny Grady.” 

“Don’t bother,” he said. “Gran’s not home — I know. I just called to remind her of our date to go dancing tonight. She may be at  the beauty shop. She mentioned at breakfast (at which house?!) that she had an appointment for a Tint job.” 

So I went home and called my Mother’s cousin (age 83). 

She was in the hospital …… working in the gift shop. 

I called my aunt (age 74). She was on vacation in China. 

I called my husband’s uncle (age 79). I forgot, he was on his honeymoon. 

I still dread old age, now more than ever. I just don’t think I’m up to it!!! 

Some will not get that one.

Including government and military traffic. A rumor I heard the other day (open source, so I’m not giving away any secrets) said that this is now what Iran is threatening Trump with, severing these lines and cutting off the internet and Wi-Fi for the world if he doesn’t back off and that’s why Trump appears to be backing off.

THE NIGHTMARE

We wouldn’t last a year.

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. 

She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time. 

She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. 

To make sure she doesn’t get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot’s neck. 

A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. 

The male parrot takes one look at the father’s collar, wolf whistles, and says, ”I see she caught you at it, too.” 

Taste: Yolk – 95% White – yeah, not so much.

I’ve been trying intermittent fasting and it’s easier than I expected. Today I fasted for 37 minutes. It’s all about dedication and putting your mind to it.

A hangover is just your body reminding you that you’re an idiot.

And that’s it for today. I hope you had as much fun as I did.

So, I heard an update on the SAVE Act on the radio the other day. You only have to prove your citizenship to register to vote, thereafter you have to show ID to vote.

So…when you are registering to vote at the age of 18 for most people I’m assuming that a birth certificate would prove citizenship. And for the others, then it’s something they are going to have to deal with. But, not impossible. Married women, who’s name doesn’t match their birth certificate can bring their marriage certificate. Stop freaking out, it happens all the time. 

I just watched a commercial for the Governor of New York … some woman named Kathy Hochul who is the perfect side kick for the mayor of New York. It doesn’t surprise me one bit that people are fleeing that state like rats from a sinking ship.

‘cept I usually HAVE a reason…

This is going to end badly.

No. They deserve so much more. They deserve life time support and medical care. They deserve to be paid ten times what they are paid and they deserve a retirement that recognizes the sacrifices they make for our country. They deserve to be treated like kings and queens. At the rock bottom minimum, they deserve what they were promised, because they aren’t getting that.

It’s All Mind Over Matter!

If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Looking into Essential Oils…

Which one is it that calms other people down?

Chloroform?

It’s chloroform isn’t it?

Can someone please explain to me what this whole 6 7 thing means? When I ask Izzy dragon, all she does is laugh at me and say it doesn’t mean anything…and according to Google, Izzy is right.

[slaps two fistfuls of sparklers on the counter]

“How much for the angry incense?”

I’m writing a series of books about making things louder.

I’m on the final volume now.

I recently started a diet… I get half an egg in the morning, half an apple in the afternoon, and half the fridge in the evening.

And that’s it for another one. It’s starting to look like the only time I’m getting to work on these is the weekend, but that’s okay if I can get ahead.

We are doing so well at the jail that we are picking up another block. The good thing is we are going to be doing them on the same night (Wednesday) that we are already doing one of the other blocks. The bad thing is that it’s going to make Wednesday a really long night. One of the things that the jail actually brought up is making us a “Church Block” and putting ALL the men who want to go to “Church” in one block so we can see them all at once. They (the jail) brought it up to us! That would be awesome!! So, put that on your prayer list. 

Okay, so today is Thursday for me and Monday for you. Today (for you) I have an appointment that I got a text message about today (for me) at the urologist that I did NOT have on my calendar. That NEVER happens. It’s for 3 in the afternoon. I would NEVER make an appointment that late on a Monday since I have jail at 5 on Mondays. So…I’m REALLY wondering if they made the appointment for me off of a recent blood test that I had (terrifying!!!!) or that from the last time I had an appointment they told me that I didn’t need to see them for a year and they weren’t scheduling out that far and for me to get a hold of them and I didn’t so they just scheduled me an appointment that fit for them. Not near as scary.

I guess I’ll find out in a few days.

Something else that came up since we talked last. Remember this one?

Chris brought up a really good point. Let’s take me for instance, I’m 67 years old, why am I showing proof of citizenship in order to vote?

I.D.?

Absolutely!

Proof of citizenship? Isn’t that what I.D. proves? If it doesn’t, we need better I.D.

Yup! ‘Tis true!

And why are you warning them?!

This one definitely qualifies as…

I can’t even remember how long ago I first heard this one…but it always cracks me up!

A man woke up one morning with the kind of hangover that makes you question every decision you’ve made since high school. His head was pounding, his mouth felt like a desert, and even opening one eye seemed like a risky medical procedure.

When he finally managed it, he noticed something strange. On the nightstand beside him was a glass of water and two aspirin tablets neatly placed on a coaster.

Confused but grateful, he swallowed the aspirin and staggered into the bathroom. One look in the mirror made him wince – he had a big black eye.

Now he was really puzzled.

Hanging on the rack was a fluffy clean towel with a note pinned to it in his wife’s handwriting:

“I put out a fresh towel for your shower. Breakfast is in the oven keeping warm. I’ll be back later – I’m picking up a nice steak for dinner.”

He stared at the note in disbelief.

Normally when he went out drinking with his buddies, his wife stayed mad for three days and communicated entirely through slamming doors.

Suspicious, he showered and went back to the bedroom to get dressed. There on the bed were his favorite old sweatpants and sweatshirt – the ratty ones his wife usually threatened to throw away.

Now he was really worried.

He headed downstairs. On the way he noticed a damp spot on the carpet and a small wooden chair smashed to pieces. It had been one of his wife’s favorite decorative pieces.

In the kitchen, sure enough, a huge breakfast was waiting: eggs, bacon, toast, and coffee.

His son was sitting at the table eating cereal.

The man sat down slowly and asked, “Son… what happened last night?”

His son grinned and said, “You really don’t remember?”

“Not a thing.”

“Well, Mom had to help you in the door because you were so drunk you couldn’t stand. When she tried to get you up the stairs, you tripped, smashed her little chair, and that’s how you got the black eye.”

The man nodded slowly.

The boy continued, “Then halfway up the stairs you threw up on Mom… and on the carpet.”

The man winced. “That explains a lot.”

His son took another bite of cereal and said, “But when she finally got you into the bedroom and tried to take your clothes off…”

He paused and smiled.

“You pushed her away and yelled, ‘Leave me alone lady! I’m married!’”

It is now Friday, 20 March, and our dear reader and contributor Lynn has reminded me that today is the first day of SPRING! It is currently 1831 hrs. and it is 77° F outside right now! It is a beautiful evening and if I wasn’t trying to get caught up here, I’d be out riding the bike! But, along with the reminder she sent me these…

A young couple decided to wed but, as the big day approached, they grew apprehensive.

Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.

“Father, I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.”

His father replied, “Do you love this girl?”

“Oh yes, very much,” he said,” but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my fiancé will be put off by them.”

“No problem,” said his father, “All you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.”

Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to discuss her problem with her mom.

“Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.”

“Honey,” her mother consoled, “Everyone has bad breath in the morning.”

“No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my fiancé will not want to sleep in the same room with me.”

Her mother said simply, “In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth.”

“I shouldn’t say good morning or anything?” the daughter asked.

“Not a word,” her mother affirmed.

“Well, it’s certainly worth a try,” she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.

Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, “What on earth are you doing?”

“Oh no!” he replied, “You’ve swallowed my sock!”

What do you call a person who is happy on Mondays?

Unemployed

And I’ll say it, yet again…

Monday morning…rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off the floor is another story. Somehow the floor is even comfier than the bed.

The blood cells met and fell in love.

Alas, it was all in vein.

I’ll never make it out!

Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time, too.

I’m sorry…as sick as this is, the second guys comments cracked me up!

I was taught (by the military) that if you aren’t ten minutes early you ARE late.

Murphy asks Paddy, “Why are you talking int that envelope?”

Paddy replies, “I’m sending a voicemail, ya idiot!”

I’m an acquired taste. If you don’t like me, acquire some taste.

(and yes, it’s in blue on purpose)

Salons always have hair on the floor.

Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks … what is your problem?

And what’s even more astonishing, Camels don’t even know that sharks exist!

Oh, such sweet, sweet words…

Freeze Mentos inside of ice cubes.

Serve your friends diet Coke timebombs.

Before we finish off, I’d like to throw something out here. For those of you who don’t think that Biden’s open borders have had any effect, those Iranian sleeper cells are starting to wake up. There’s a ton of stuff going on across the country, to military bases quite often, (I’m not sure if all of that is coming out in the news. I know that some of it is) and as often me and others have said how bad it was, it’s starting to come home to roost. 

I think we are going to see, very soon, how bad those open borders are going to hurt us. I don’t think they are going to hurt us horribly, or permanently, but they are going to hurt us… they are hurting us.  

And it’s ticking me. It’s ticking me off that it’s happening and it’s ticking me off that I was right.

And one more thing…

Tomorrow (for you guys, Tuesday, 24th) is Mary’s 59th birthday. I wish we could be celebrating together. Being in Heaven, with God and Jesus and paradise and all that, I’m sure she’s having a GREAT birthday. So, it’s just me that’s missing out. But, Happy Birthday my Mary~Mae. I love you and miss you. It’s just a matter of time.

So, until next time…

I have to share something very funny with you guys. Well, sad and funny at the same time.

It’s been hurricane level windy around here lately. Wind gusts over 70 mph and a level 1 hurricane starts at 70 mph so there you go. Anyway, my super crappy fence, that is on my to do list for replacement this year was badly hurt.

So, this is what my fence looked like when I got home from work on Friday:

So, my son said he’d come next Sunday and we’d buy some fence panels and redo that whole stretch of fence since that’s the worst part of the fence and then over the summer do the rest of the back yard. But, since it keeps the dogs in, I went out on Saturday and did some crappy repairs on the crappy fence and tied it down with paracord…which, alongside duct tape, can fix anything.  So now, it looks like this:

That’s Pepper, by the way and she’s thinking that, “Yeah, I can still get through there!” Anyway, when I showed that to the Whelpling, his comment was, “Dad, the Apocalypse called and they want their fence back.” and I said, “Yeah, all it needs is a Zombie or two peeking over it to make it perfect.” Well, it wasn’t two minutes later he sends me this back. 

I gotta tell you, I laughed so hard. The kid is WAY too good with AI.

Today, Sunday, we’ve had gusts up to 50 mph and the fence is still standing, so … you gotta love the paracord.

Yeah, this is what I teach for a living and this is why I am one of the most hated people on base.

Yup!

77 Ridiculous “You Had One Job” Fails People Couldn’t Believe Were Actually Possible

I’m so old…

After years of research, I finally figured out the secret to a healthy lawn: sprinkle protein powder on the wet morning grass.

The discovery was whey over dew.

An unusual sight to be sure!

BREAKING NEWS!

Man gets hit by a rental car.

Said it Hertz.

People see me spending money and think I’m rich.

Bro, I’m just irresponsible.

Home is where you trust the toilet seat.

Never be a prisoner of your past.

It was a lesson, not a life sentence.

A lot of people forget to change out the winter air for the summer air in their tires. You’d be amazed at how much that helps.

Sleeping in could be my super power if it wasn’t for my arch nemesis, having to pee.

Best Lie You Ever Heard…

Eat all your food so you can grow up to be big and strong…now look at you…just big.

This is probably the truest statement I’ve read in a LONG, LONG time. Forgiveness is so important and yet so hard for all of us. And yet, Christ died so all of us could be forgiven and welcomed home to spend eternity with God. If He could suffer the punishment deserved for ALL the sins of ALL mankind so that we each might be forgiven, can’t we find it easily in our hearts to forgive someone else … anything?

Columbus did NOT discover America in 1492.

In 1492 Native Americans discovered a bunch of Europeans lost at sea.

And that’s it for today my friends. I wish you all the best and ask that God Bless you and keep you until we meet again.

Yeah, I know, St Patrick’s Day was a few days ago. So, excuse me. Mary was VERY Irish. What do I mean by VERY Irish? Well, if you could look around my house, you can still see the signs. So, the holiday itself is a bit of a sad memory of not only her, but my dear friend Lethal Leprechaun, may he rest in peace.

So yeah, let’s pass that one by.

In the mean time, had a scare the other day when we found out that we lost a KC-135, since that’s what we fly here at my base, as well as six crew members. Turns out it wasn’t one from our base, but it’s still a sad state of affairs. May we all pray for safety and protection for all the men and women who are over there. 

At the same time I’m watching Jesse Jackson, Jr. bemoan the fact that he asked politics NOT be brought into his father’s funeral and Obama, Biden, and Harris ALL do exactly what he asked them not to do. How extraordinarily rude, uncaring and self-serving. It just shows that evil will do what evil will do. I disagreed with some of the Reverend’s politics, but he was a good man.

The other thing that is cracking me up and that I think I predicted, is how many people are fleeing New York and how fast the new mayor is changing his voice, now that he is in office. All us animals on the farm are equal, it’s just that some of us are MORE equal than the other animals on the farm. And if you don’t get that reference, then I have a book for you to read.

Now… 

There are 923 words that break the “i before e” rule. Only 44 words actually follow that rule.

I really don’t think that’s true!

Oh brother, AMEN! Oh, I could tell you stories!

I’m actually pretty good with money…

As long as I don’t go outside where all the stores are

Or stay inside where my phone is.

Guys with an eyepatch and three fingers sell the BEST fireworks!

Netflix didn’t kill movie theaters.
$25 popcorn did.
And $12 water was the nail in the coffin.

The last time Izzy and I went to the movie, with tickets, popcorn and drinks, I think it cost us less than 30 bucks total.

Try This…

How smart is your right foot?

This is hysterical. You have to try this.

It is absolutely true. I guess there are some things that the brain cannot handle.

1. While sitting in a chair, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number “6” in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so! And there is absolutely nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you’ve not already done so.

 

I hate it when my dentist asks when the last time I flossed was. I’m like, dude, you don’t remember? You were there.

The graveside service had just barely finished when there was a tremendous bolt of lightning, followed by a massive clap of thunder, followed by another huge bolt of lightning and even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked up at the preacher and said, “Well, she’s there.”

Originally, Wrigley’s was a soap company that included baking powder as a gift with the purchase of their soap. They switched to selling baking powder when it became more popular than the soap, and included a pack of gum as a gift. When the gum became more popular than the baking powder, the company changed again and started selling gum.

(I figured I’d change this one to blue so you’d know it’s how I feel, too)

I POST A LOT OF STUPID, SILLY CRAP ON HERE FOR ONE REASON…

SO THAT YOU MIGHT FORGET ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS AND LAUGH, OR AT LEAST SMILE, FOR A MOMENT OR TWO, THAT IS WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY!

WHAT!!!???!!!

That’s funny! The same migration is taking place in New York!

I had a problem with my computer yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old kid next door.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, “So, what was wrong?”
He replied, “It was an ID ten T error.”
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless asked, “An ID ten T error? What’s that?”
Eric grinned… “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”
“No,” I replied.
“Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.”
So I wrote down: “ID10T”
And I used to like Eric, the little bastard.

And that’s it, dear, dear friends. I wish for you the day I would wish for myself.