Thursday…came home early from work cause I’m not feeling well. So, I’m spending the afternoon with my comfort group…you guys.

So, let’s get back into celebrating Halloween and have some fun.

Of course you did! You can’t tame a dragon!

Look what I saw the other day. How about a close up!

Beautiful! With blood and guts on his beak!

This pretty much describes me almost every single work day.

Now, that’s one I’d watch on Live Stream!

Minnesota Law

All bathtubs must have feet.

He really does not look happy to be having his picture taken.

It may take a minute, but you’ll work it out.

A group of golfers were telling tall stories. 

At last came the veteran’s turn. 

“Well,” he said, “I once drove a ball, accidentally of course, through a cottage window. The ball knocked over an oil lamp and the place caught on fire!” 

“What did you do?” asked his friends.

“Oh,” said the veteran, “I immediately teed another ball, took careful aim, and hit the fire alarm on Main Street. That brought out the fire engines before any major damage was done.” 

“I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.” 

Galileo Galilei (1564-1642)

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newly-weds do, time and time again, all night long.

Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.  He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.  

When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, “What’s that?” pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, “Well, that’s what we had so much fun with last night.” 

And she, in amazement, asked, “Is that all we have left?” 

I don’t know anything about music. In my line you don’t have to.

-Elvis Presley (1935-1977)

And that’s it my brothers and sisters, friends, and family. You’ll have to excuse me. I have a library to get to.  Be well, be happy, be loved.

Well, it’s October and I just checked my Halloween folder and I have like a gazillion memes.  So, starting today and running through the 31st, I’ll be throwing some Halloween flavor in each issue. To help those of you who celebrate this holiday to enjoy.

In other news … I don’t have any other news. So, let’s jump in.

Massachusetts  Law

Bullets may not be used as currency.

Aussie Pete, you sure send me an awful lot of these “Meanwhile in Australia” Memes.

And no, that’s not a challenge!

A pompous Baptist minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. 

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. 

The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. 

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. 

He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips.” 

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me too. I didn’t know we had a choice.” 

This is getting out of hand.

Okay, I see what you did there.

There was a blonde who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. 

She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: “I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 AM. Signed, The Blonde.” 

She pinned the note inside the boy’s jacket and told him to go straight home. 

The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. 

Also inside the bag was the following note:

“Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!”

Three absent-minded professors were talking together in a bus terminal.  

They got so engrossed in what they were saying that they didn’t notice the bus had pulled in. 

As the driver sang out,”All aboard,” they looked up startled and dashed from the platform.  

Two of them managed to hop on the bus, but the third didn’t make it. 

As he stood sadly watching the bus disappear into the distance, a stranger tried to cheer him up, saying, “You shouldn’t feel too bad.  

Two out of three made it, and that’s a pretty good average.” 

The professor shook his head.  “But THEY came to see ME off.” 

What do you mean, “Used To”?

Visiting St Patrick’s Cathedral on a tour of New York City, my daughter and her children were awed by the sight. 

The kids were especially curious about the votive candles, so my daughter asked if they’d each like to light one. 

She explained that is it customary to say a prayer of petition or thanks, and she was careful to tell them that these are not like birthday candles. 

“Do you have any questions?” she asked.

“No,” said the 5-year-old, “but if there’s a pony outside, it’s mine.” 

Joe as poet:

An astronomer slept in the sun, 
Then woke with his fly quite undone. 
He remarked, with a smile, 
“Hoorah! A sundial! 
And it’s now a quarter past one.”

Oh come on! What are they?

And that’s it for this one my friends. A little short, but I ran out of time. Hope you enjoyed it anyway. My love to you all!

Well, it’s still Friday and I JUST finished the last episode and knowing that it’s going to be a busy weekend, thought I’d jump right in on Monday’s. 

I hope everybody had a GREAT weekend. Not sure what I’ve got going this weekend, but I’m sure it will be something.

Got a comment from Leah on one of the videos that was in a previous issue.

Thanks for the video about gas prices, etc. back in the70’s. My kids/grandkids are always saying how we had it so easy. I remember I had to rush to Salt Lake to attend a dying family member. When I was ready to leave that night, I was told there were only two gas stations open in all of Salt Lake City.

We had it easy in the 70’s?!?! Oh, I so beg to differ you spoiled rotten generation, you!  You have it so much easier than we did. Now, life was more laid back, back then. But easier, I hardly think so.

I remember the long lines at the gas stations and in New Jersey at the time, you could only get gas depending on your license plate. If it ended in an odd number you could only buy gas on odd days and if it ended in an even number, on even days. And the 31st of the month was either closed or anyone could get gas, depending on the station.

Anyway, shortly thereafter I joined the Air Force and it didn’t matter to me anymore ’cause I wasn’t driving anywhere!

Now, whadda you say we jump right into the funny stuff, shall we?

63 Doctors share their “Dumbest Patient Ever” stories

Some pretty funny stuff. Click HERE to read along.

And it’s happening all around us!

The firefighters pulled up to the local pub, flames already billowing out of the front windows and smoke pouring into the night sky. Charging through the entrance, they found a lone Irishman sitting calmly at the bar, nursing a half-empty pint of Guinness as if it were a quiet Tuesday evening.

One of the firefighter grabbed him, hoisted him on his arms, and dragged him out into the fresh air just as the front window shattered.

As he caught his breath on the curb, the lead fireman looked at him in disbelief and demanded, “What on earth happened in there? How did the fire start?”

The Irishman wiped a bit of foam from his upper lip, looked back at the inferno, and shrugged. “I don’t know,” he said. “It was on fire when I went in.”

And don’t forget, there’s probably a knife, screwdriver, or some other tool in one or more of his pockets.

It’s easy to identify people who can’t count to ten.

They’re in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

Louisiana Law

Rituals that involve the ingestion of blood, urine, or fecal matter are not allowed. 

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good law on the face of it, and I think I kind of get it with the Voodoo that went on down that way for a while, but was it really necessary to put that to law?

RIGHT?! I know EXACTLY what you mean!!!

A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing. 

“Officer,” he asks, “have you seen a man run by here? 

“No I haven’t. What’s the problem?”

“The rotten bastard ran out of my shop without paying me!” 

“This fellow,” the officer asks, “does he have any distinguishing features?” 

“Well, yes,” the barber replies. “He’s carrying one of his ears in his hand.” 

Answer below…and I’ll admit, I had no idea what it was.

Okay, that’s far enough… and we have Steve H. to thank for this one…

It’s string to tie pastry boxes, good old days

Pat O’Leary left Cork for Philadelphia where he found a job on a building site. When payday rolled around Pat went out on the town, got drunk as a goat and spent the night with a prostitute. The following day (Saturday) Pat decided to go to confession and tell all. When the priest heard his confession he told Pat to say twenty Our Fathers, twenty Hail Marys, and twenty decades of the Rosary and to put $20 in the poor box. 

Two weeks later Pat’s mate, Rory O’Brien, told Pat he was leaving for San Francisco because there was tons of work there and the money to be made was more than twice what could be made in Philly. After a little coaxing Pat decides to go with Rory. 

At the end of his first week on his new job Pat’s wages were more than double anything he’d made before. Off he goes for a night on the town. Gets drunk as a lord and spends the night with a prostitute. Come morning remorse sets in and Pat goes to Mission Dolores for confession. After hearing Pat’s confession the priest tells him to say a couple of Our Father’s and drop a dollar in the poor box. 

“But, Father. I did the same thing in Philly and had to say twenty Ourfathers, twenty Hail Marys, twenty decades of the Rosary and I had to fork over $20.” 

“Ah, sure,” the priest responded, “what do they know aboout drinkin’ andfuckin ‘ in Philadelphia.” 

Like the headline that Izzy just read me: 

Alleged child molester tried to contact victims from jail.

This one’s from Joe…I wondered why he had a black eye.  Now I understand…

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present. 

“Oh, I don’t know,” she said. “Just give me something with diamonds.” 

That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

And that’s it my friends. I hope you enjoyed this one as much as I did. Until next time, I pray that God Blesses you all with Love and Happiness, Comfort and Security. My love to you all.

I can’t believe that it is October already. Time is just flying by. It is ridiculous how fast it is going. Another 3 day weekend that just blinked and disappeared. Back to work tomorrow, Tuesday. I have no idea, at this point, what day it is for you, but whatever day it is, I hope it’s a good one. Now, let’s see if we can make it a little better…

Absolutely adorable!

Amateur! 

It has been said that Adam and Eve had the only perfect marriage. 

That was because he didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married; and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked!” 

I can feel that so much it makes my legs tingle.

Well, she did what you asked.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. 

– Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

All     The     TIME!!

Minnesota Law

A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head.

I’m sure at some point in time there was a perfectly logically explanation for this law … never mind, I take that back. There couldn’t possibly be. Now, I just want to know … WHY!?

Well, dang! I didn’t know that! Those bums copied my front gate!

Nope, someone’s going to have to help me with this one. I don’t get it.

Little Johnny was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He’d been playing outside for a while when he came into the house and asked her. . .

“Grandma, what is it called when people are sleeping on top of each other?”  

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.  

It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.” 

Little  Johnny just said, OK” and went back outside to play.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse!  It’s called bunk beds!” 

Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven: (Luke 6:37)

You may recognize it from Christ’s sermon called “The Beatitudes”. 

A guy walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey, buddy, if you can think of a good name for this bar, I’ll give you a free beer.” 

So the guy goes outside and tries to think of a name. 

A beautiful lady walks by and he asks her her name. 

“Sarah,” she says. 

He looks at her incredible legs and realizes “Sarah’s Legs” would make a great name for the bar. 

He goes back inside and tells this story to the bartender, who immediately agrees and renames the bar “Sarah’s Legs.” 

The next day, the guy is sitting outside the same bar when a lady walks by and asks, “What are you doing out here, handsome?” 

“Oh, he answers, “I’m just waiting for Sarah’s Legs to open so I can have a couple of quick ones.” 

I don’t remember ever having one, but I know what it is.

It’s actually a really good idea.

That’s it for this … and just in time, too. It goes out tonight. Been a long week of getting things done.  May you be blessed with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

And here we are again, my friends. I’m starting this one on Sunday, after church, while watching the Colts play the Texans.  Right now, the Colts are winning, but both teams are 0-2, so there’s that.  A LOT of bad calls in the game, but that’s just my opinion.

Great sermon at church today. Pastor finished up a series on good news/bad news. Looking forward to hearing what he has to start next week.  The man is definitely Spirit led.

Well, let’s get on with some laughter and we can see where we lead from there.

A true national hero!

No, I don’t wonder about that, either…not anymore.

Sounds like today, doesn’t it! Here’s a surprise for you. Charles Spurgeon died almost 135 years ago. Things haven’t changed much, have they?

And just as an aside, it’s the start of the fourth quarter and the Colts are ahead 16-7.

NASA engineers built a high-powered air cannon designed to launch four-pound dead chickens at airliner windshields, simulating bird strikes at maximum velocity to test glass strength.

British rail engineers heard about the device and borrowed it to test the windshields on their new high-speed trains.

On test day, they loaded the cannon, pointed it at the train’s reinforced, shatterproof windshield, and pulled the trigger.

The chicken shot out of the barrel, pulverized the windshield, smashed through the driver’s console, snapped the engineer’s seat in half, and embedded itself three inches deep into the back wall of the cabin.

 

Horrified, the British team sent NASA the telemetry data, high-speed footage, and detailed blueprints of their train, begging the American scientists for advice on how to improve their design.

NASA sent back a three-word response:

“Thaw the chicken.”

Actually, the original chicken gun fired a live chicken at an aircraft canopy.  True story.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

W. C. Fields (1880 – 1946)

Massachusetts  Laws

At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches.

Signs

Warning Label: On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.  

Hummels – Largest Selection Ever “If It’s In Stock, We Have It!” 

Warning Label: On a cardboard wind-shield sun shade: “Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place” 

In a New York drug store: “We dispense with accuracy.” 

Georgia Peaches- California Grown – 89 Cents Lb. 

In the offices of a loan company: “Ask about our plans for owning  your home.” 

At a number of military bases: “Restricted to unauthorised personnel.”  

Warning Label: On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. 

Wanted: Success-oriented people to drive cement trucks-Only individuals with concrete plans for the future need apply.

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a bar room disturbance. 

The “disturbance” turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What’s more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and the “Heavy Weight Boxing Champion of the World.”

Said the policeman, “I’ll bet that you’re also an escape artist too, probably better than Houdini.”

The giant nodded.

“If I had some chains,” the deputy continued, “you could show us how strong you really are. 

But all I’ve got is a set of handcuffs. Why don’t you see just how quickly you can break out of them?” 

Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.

“I can’t get out of these,” the giant growled.

“Are you sure?” the deputy asked.

The fellow tried again. “Nope,” he replied. “I can’t do it.” 

“In that case,” said the deputy, “you’re under arrest.” 

A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. 

He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. 

None could be found. 

Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. 

He successfully raised a number of them and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. 

The young man replied, “I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have a hutch back of Notre Dame.” 

“Oh Sarah, I just heard the news” said Esther to her blonde friend. 

“You poor dear. Your husband Morris drowned. At least he left you ten million dollars.

It’s amazing that he made so much money, yet he couldn’t even read or write.” 

Sarah smiled, “Yeah, thank God he couldn’t swim either.” 

The women in front of them are really taking their time and are slowing the men down.

So one man says to his friend, “I’m gonna go ask those ladies if we can play through.” 

He starts walking toward them, but about halfway there, he turns around.

When he gets back, his friend asks what happened.

He replies, “One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress. 

Why don’t you go talk to them?”

So the second man starts to walk over. 

He gets halfway there and turns around.

When he gets back, his friend asks, “Now what happened?”

To this he replies, “It’s a small world.”

And that’s it for today my friends. May your day be filled with Love and Happiness until we meet again.