Not sure that I have much to say at the beginning of this one, so I’ll just jump right in and start with the laughs. My mind is just not working on all cylinders right now, so maybe I’ll have more to say as we go along. So … 

Our dear sister Lynn sent us a bunch of Navy memes so let’s do those first…

And the Air Force says … we can still get there faster.

Poetry from Joe NJ

Poetry for Seniors …

Another year has passed,
And we’re a little older.
Last summer felt hotter,
And winter seems colder.

There was a time not long ago,
When life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand,
About ‘Living in the Past’

We used to go to weddings,
Football games and lunches…
Now we go to funeral homes,
And after-funeral brunches.

We used to go out dining,
And couldn’t get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.

We used to often travel,
To places near and far.
Now we get sore asses,
From riding in the car.  

We used to go to nightclubs,
And drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night,
And watch the evening news.

That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up…
Before you’re too damned old!

And Lynn also sent us some on the Marines!  Let’s go!

I completed my puzzle lots faster than my husband did.

I want this lamp!!!

How do you know the ocean is friendly?

It waves

This poor guy must be having one heck of a bad day!

PASSENGER FLIGHT FROM NY TO LA.
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the pilot made an announnncement over the intercom.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. 

Welcome to Flight No. 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, just sit back and relax.”

Then he quickly yells out loud – “OH MY GOD!”

Dead silence followed.

After a few minutes, the pilot comes back on the intercom and says, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was speaking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of hot coffee and spilled it all over my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

A passenger in Coach shouts back, “That’s nothing, you should see the back of mine!”

I would like to point out, that the earth hasn’t been around that long (read your Bible) (carbon dating has been proven to be false and unreliable after a certain age and having read articles where the scientist try to debunk creationist who disprove it, they sound ridiculous) 

Hmm, I don’t know where it puts me on the pickiness scale, but I got a 26 out of 63 or 41%.  So, that’s less than half, so I think I’m doing okay.

This one is from Lynn and she writes:

[Counting my claws…] Wait a darn minute!

Q. How do you know when you honeymoon is over?

A. When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.

Hardest thing to do sometimes is forgiveness.

A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. 

As he’s retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it’s technically belongs to him. 

After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter “country style.” 

“What’s country style?” asks the city boy.

“Out here in the country”, the farmer says, “when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. 

Then that feller, why ,he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. The last man standing wins the dispute.”

Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks  him in the balls with all his might. 

The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he’s ever felt, crying like a baby and coughing up blood. 

Finally he staggers to his feet and says,”All right, n-now it’s m-my turn.”

The farmer grins. “Aw hell, you win. Keep the duck.” 

A farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields were grown over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart, and the fences were broken down. 
 
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man’s work, saying, “May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!”  
 
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it’s a completely different place.  The farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. 

 “Amazing!” the preacher says. “Look what God and you have accomplished together!”
 
“Yes, reverend,” says the farmer, “but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!”

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he can do. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town grouch. 

So Mr. Smith went to this ‘miracle doctor’ to prove that he wasn’t anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, “Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can’t taste nothin’, so what are ya goin to do?” 

The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, “What you need is jar number 43.” 

Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders.

So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it.

He tastes it and immediately spits it out, “This is gross!” he yells. 

“I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith,” says the doctor. So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. 

One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, “Doc,” he starts, “I can’t remember!” 

Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, “What you need is jar number 43…” 

Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the town. 

And that’s it my friends.  Today, is Friday and I’m working all weekend, so I’m going to bail from this one and jump right into the next one so as to try … keyword being “try” … to get far enough ahead that, like the magician’s slight of hand, you guys don’t even realize that anything untoward has taken place. So, without further ado, until next time …

Well, it’s Sunday and I’ve already had a full day and intend to have a full night … spent with you guys! So, a happy day and a happy night. Kind of a meh afternoon.

Let me ‘splain.

Got up this morning and took Izzy to work and went to church and covered a sick brother who was supposed to be on security. Church starts at 10 with coffee and donuts and such starting to be served around 9 so as security I was there around 830. Izzy texted me around 950 telling me that she was getting off work early and could I come get here, so I jumped out of church, ran to the base, picked her up, dropped her off at home, and was back to church by 1030.

Records set on all sides.

Missed some of the worship songs but none of the sermon.

Anyway, when I got home, Izzy had left with a friend so I went and mowed the lawn, weed-eated, gathered the trash, did a few more chores, Izzy comes home with a new hamster, I studied for my first of three exams for this semesters FBI and sat down and took the test.

I got an 82%. The poorest score I’ve gotten over the 4 semesters I’ve been involved in so far. I knew I’d door poorly, but thought I’d do a little better. Lots of scripture memorization in this one. It was on Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and Song of Solomon. I don’t have a problem memorizing scripture, but when you memorize something the part I have trouble with is…was that like Psalm 29:3 or 34:8. 

So now…mentally wiped out, I’m now ready to relax and spend time with my favorite people. So, I’ll talk to you guys later. I gotta ….

I’m kidding! Kidding! YOU GUYS are my favorite people!  So, let’s get this puppy started!

There’s that faith conversation at play again. Give it all over to God … and have the lovely luxury of sleeping at night.

Every time my children don’t answer their phone, I take $100 out of their inheritance and put it in my nursing home jar.

Gas prices are so high that I went to the car dealership and test-drove three cars to run my errands. Follow me for more money-saving tips.

Correct me if I’m wrong.

Just kidding. This is the internet. I know you’ll correct me even if I’m right.

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999.

I wanna buy a house like it’s 1999.

There’s only three genders
Male
Female
Mentally Ill

Forcing the Artemis crew to speak with Donald Trump was part of a NASA training exercise to prepare future astronauts for encounters with less intelligent life forms.

Yeah baby!!!

I may contain scenes of violence, nudity and foul language.

Can you find the dragon?

And that’s it my friends. That’s all I got. I’m wiped out. Tired, ready for the bed. Still got things to do. So, until next time.

Good Thursday morning…or for me, Saturday … time traveling dragon at your service.

Wet and rainy here today. Got woke up 4 times last night with tornado watches. Not warnings, watches. Like, come on people, if it’s not a warning, leave me alone. I have to have my phone by my bedside because of my job. I have been called out in the middle of the night before and I have been called in the middle of the night from one of my grief group members and I’ll ALWAYS take a call. The military taught me years ago the ability to awaken in the middle of a sleep, function coherently for whatever length of time I need to, and go immediately back to sleep. But, that doesn’t mean that my phone beeping at me with nonsense text messages about tornado watches at 2, 3, 4 am aren’t annoying. 

And here I am, it is now 1130, I have taken Izzy to work, got gas for the mower, even though I won’t be able to mow today, come home and did all my Bible study, went back and picked Izzy up after two short hours of work because they had nothing to do, went grocery shopping. Between all of that I started the dishwasher and did a load of laundry. 

We dragons get more done before 11 am then most people do all day. 

Anyway, enough about me. Hope all of you are doing well, whaddaya say we jump into the fun stuff and we’ll bang around this lair together for a while.

I heard something just the other day about the group of people who are running this device and how they claim they want to open a gateway to another world. They have a statue of Shiva the destroyer in their lobby … or somewhere on their premises and, from what I heard, they are run by some very bad people. The site itself sits on what was biblically called the gates of hell. Quite an interesting story. 

Last night my wife wore a police uniform to bed and said, “You’re being charged with being good in bed.” 90 seconds later the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

Well, if that’s the ONLY reason…

I used to mix my metaphors, but that ship has flown.

I suppose I’m in the minority but I always lick the knife when I’m done.

None of the other surgeons seem to do it.

Well, today my neighbors spoke to me. So I did what I had to do. I strapped a monitor on my ankle, went outside with my shirt on inside out, and argued with a pine tree. That should hold them off for a while.

When I said I wanted to be mysterious and fascinating, I didn’t mean medically.

This is so true. Having the faith to give things over to God is not easy. And it takes practice, if that makes sense. But then there’s people that make it look like it’s the simplest thing in the world. And I suppose, once you “get it” it really is. Once you understand that when you give your life over to God, because God gave His Son up for you and you accept that propitiatory sacrifice that Jesus made and everything that goes along with it, then nothing else matters. And when nothing else matters and you understand that you are now part of God’s plan and you are an adopted son (legally, see Galatians 4:5) with all the rights thereof, what in the world do you have to be worried about? I have the FAITH to know that all that is true, so I know that God will see me through the storm, the pain, or whatever else He has in mind for me OR He will take me home to be with Him. I know that so long as He still has work for me to do here on earth, then He will see me through the storm and help me deal with the pain and the darkness. But, either way it’s a win-win for me.

Whoever decided to put a “p” in “receipt” was an “idiopt”.

They’re hiring at the comb factory…

It’s part time.

Hey! That sounds just like MY favorite book. I reread it all the time.

Tell me straight, Doc, How long do I have left?

10.

10? 10 What? Years? Weeks?

9 … 8 … 7 …

“Mom? Don’t freak out, but I’m in the hospital…”

“Jeremy, you’ve been a doctor for over eight years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that.”

Heck, I can’t say it once!

And that, my dear friends, is that. I am all done in for now. Believe it or not, I just got a frost and a freeze advisory for the next two days … Sunday and Monday. Gotta love Indiana weather, it’s like they say, if you don’t like the weather, wait a minute.  I just turned the A/C on for the first time this season the other day and now I’m gonna have to switch back to heat.

Okay, until next time my friends…

Haven’t been on line since Sunday (Today is Friday) and it took me almost two hours to get jus get caught up on emails and put memes and pictures in folders before I could even START on DL. 

And now buddy Wheats just earwigged me with REO Speedwagon – Take It On the Run.

Izzy and I are going back and forth, “What do you want for dinner?” “I don’t know, what do YOU want for dinner?” And neither one of us want anything for dinner.

Anyway, I could go on, but if I do, we won’t get anywhere with the actual show … and as someone once said, “the show’s the thing.” or some such.

So, let’s get the road on the show and get the started partying.

So, starting out, Pop Smith sent me this picture with the quip: For when I get older … dude, I ain’t gettin’ older. I like it just the way I am. But, if I do need a walker, this is a pretty cool one.

Next is this one..

And you know I’ve done all the hard work for you, so here it is flipped…

And my first reaction is that if I didn’t flip it myself I’d call nonsense! No way! That didn’t happen! But, I flipped it myself.

And I am not a single bit surprised. Not one single bit.

I LOVE this one!

And this one!  Brother Wheats sent both of those to me.

And from our dear brother Joe from NJ:

His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years longer.

She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the”miracle” products. Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, “Honey, honestly now, what age would you say I am?” 

He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, “Well, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five.” 

“Oh, you’re so sweet!”

“Well, hang on, I’m not done adding it up yet.”

And that one, was of course, from our dear sister Stephanie.

This reminds me so much of Izzy. She’s known as the bug lady at work because she identifies all the bugs for everyone.  She’s always taking pictures of and identifying all the bugs around the yard and is very interested in all of them, what they do and where they come from.

This is the GREATEST clean prank of all time!

The only one that I can think of that was worse was a girl I went to high school with had a family that owned a funeral home. It was a great place to hold high school parties with great big open rooms and such. But a lot of the times when we were there we would be told to stay out of the blue room or stay out of the green room. You know, because someone would be laid out in there for a funeral the next day. And of course, being teen agers, we wouldn’t do that.

So, one day when her dad had had enough, we were told to stay out of the blue room and of course, after having a little too much to drink (the drinking age back then in New Jersey was 18) we snuck into the blue room and there was this young girl, about our age laid out in there. We were a little freaked out, but we snuck up to her to get a better look and just as we were peering over the edge of the coffin, she opened her eyes, looked up at us and said, “Boo!”

Needless to say all of us big, tough football players screamed like little girls.  Her dad came out from behind the curtain and said, “I guess you guys won’t be coming in the room that you’re told to stay out of again, will you?” I’m pretty sure one of our running backs had to go change his shorts.

Sadly, our dear friend was in that same funeral parlor a few months later when he died in a drunk driving accident. No, we weren’t the brightest bulbs in the box back then.

Funny, as bad as I am with names, I can still remember all their names.

Every single, solitary night

I wasn’t one of the ladies (of course!) but I can definitely remember!

Another one from brother Joe…

A man walks down a street when suddenly he hears a tiny voice above him saying: “If you make one more step, a brick will land on your head and kill you.” 

• Surprised, the man stops just as a huge brick crashes down right in front of him.

Stunned, he continues on his way, and after a few minutes hears the voice again: “Stop! Don’t cross the road, if you do, the next vehicle will run you over!”

• The man freezes and again is almost hit by a speeding car.
• The man sighs a sigh of relief and asks the air: “Who ARE you?!?”
  • “I am your guardian angel!” Answers the voice joyfully.
• “REALLY??”  says the msn in sudden anger.  “Then where the heck were you when I got MARRIED??”

No, you won’t find that art on any jet in the real world.  That was created with AI by brother Wheats.

It is a time for intense mourning. We will now bow our heads and suffer through a moment of silence…

—————————————————————————————-

One of the biggest mistake of the Air Force’s long list of multiple mistakes. I will now go to my lair and cry myself to sleep. I’ll continue this tomorrow. If I’m up to it.

Okay, I couldn’t sleep, so I spent some time burning down a village and playing with some … fireworks.

So, let’s press on.

This is a quote from one of the books that I recently read that I thought was really good that I wanted to share with you guys.  The book was called Broken Wings

You don’t pray to earn God’s favor. You pray because you know you have His favor already. A child doesn’t choose his father by climbing into a random man’s lap and calling him “daddy.” A child sits on his father’s lap, tells him about his day, his desires and needs, and listens to his father’s stories, because he already knows he’s his father’s son. Prayer is an act of faith, not the basis for it.

That is the very best explanation of what prayer is that I’ve heard in a long time.

I’ve entered the snapdragon part of my life.

Part of me has snapped and the other part of me is draggin’.

I wasn’t sure whether that one should go under political or religious so I’m putting it here. It is harsh, it is abrupt and it is so very true.

This person, amongst many other things, is an idiot.

The other day I yelled into a colander and I strained my voice.

And I don’t know if it’s the same everywhere, but its also election day here. It’s the trifecta!  

Until they invented the other side of velcro…

It never really caught on.

There’s a LOT of truth to this one:

You’ll pay good money to go hear a comedian say something offensive, but when I do it for free I’m a bastard.

And I just read this out of Willmington’s Guide to the Bible in my FBI homework and it hit me really hard:

Paul speaks of the night as almost over, while Jesus says it is yet to come. Both are right. To the saint, the day breaks, but to the sinner, the night comes. This present world is the only hell the Christian will ever know, and it is the only heaven the unbeliever will experience.

Think about that for a second.  The very best that unbelievers have to look forward is this painfilled, miserable world that we live in now.  For them, it all goes down hill from here. For us believers, this is the worst that we’ll ever have to face.

Just …. think …. about … it.

If you must talk out of your butt, at least have the decency to stand up…

I simply cannot tolerate mumbling…

They asked me why I wear a helmet every time I ate.

I explained I was on a crash diet.

Yes, I’ll show myself out…

And that’s it my friends.  And it’s still Friday night. Many hours have passed, but it’s still Friday night. I got nothing left to give right now, so until next time…

And we’re back again, live on the air with Impish! Good morning creation! How’re ya’ll doin’??? 

What

Is

Happenin’

WORLD??

It’s still Saturday, I just finished the last episode and am jumping right into the next one and I got NUTTIN’ to say, so …

Okay, that’s not true, I do have something else to say, although by the time this goes to press there’s no telling how far out of date this might be. I just got an email from a reader who, rightfully, called me out on something that I posted about the Iran war. 

Now, I stand by what I said, when I said it, but since then it has become a complete cluster. I think something needed to be done in Iran. We cannot allow them to have nukes because the very first thing they will do is use them. That’s a given. And I honestly think that there was a plan in place for the Straits. But something somewhere went to hell in a handbasket and we either changed our minds or backed off.

I have a lot of criticism built up inside of me that I can’t express in a family friendly ezine and the fact of where I work, but I am very disappointed and it wouldn’t be fair of me to not say something.

And now…

My lips say, “I’m down for anything.”

What I mean is:
*Not after 7
*Food should be involved
*It depends on the weather
*The parking situation
*And how tired I am

See, I was going to go with the coroner, but yeah, the funeral director works, too.

It’s like he’s going, “Oooooooo!”

Do you realize that we are the last generation on Earth that knows what life was like before social media?

I got asked to leave a hall of mirrors yesterday.

I said, “Don’t worry. I’ll see myself out.”

Sometimes I read a text and think, wow what a psycho…

Then I press send.

You can’t change anyone but yourself.

Those who like my posts are happier, more intelligent, and better-looking than those that don’t; according to a study I made up.

Well…look at that! The writing turned blue half way through.

That is an awesome picture!!!!

I couldn’t resist. I told Izzy, “this is what we listened to as kids”.  March of 1973 … I was 14 and a couple of months old.

If someone from the Ziplock company could contact literally anyone in the cereal business, that would be great!

And Part 2!

Okay, didn’t realize there’s a part 3 & 4 … you’ll have to go find them yourselves.

Another one in the books. Hope you had as much fun as I did.