So, today is Saturday and we have another issue where it’s a race for the border … okay, probably not the best euphemism with everything that’s going on with ICE and stuff right now, but you get the idea. I have no time, but I’m trying to get this done so that you guys have an issue for Monday.

I actually got off work a little earlier than I expected, so that’s making this even possible. So, let’s do this.

We’re going to start off with something that’s not really a laughing matter. We had some stormy weather the other day here in Indiana, and there was actually a pretty decent tornado that touched down near Bloomington. Someone got a GREAT picture of it, too. 

By the way, that’s on my own personal “Bucket List”. Get a good, up close and personal picture of a tornado. I know it sounds nuts, but it is kinda my job, being an Emergency Manager and all. It used to drive Mary and Izzy nuts and now it just drives Izzy nuts when the siren goes off and I chase her and the dogs down to the basement and I grab my phone and head outside to see if I can’t get a picture.

My excuse? “Hey! I’m a professional! I know what I’m doin’!”

Anyway, check out this great picture someone got. And then the one afterward is some of the horrible aftermath. That’s always the crappy part, right?

That’s pretty bad. I haven’t heard anything about casualties, so prayers are still going out. So, now we’ll move on.

Izzy sent that one to me and it is probably the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life! Just imagine what this poor girl is going to go through growing up! Let’s hope she has a decent middle name she can go by.

WILDLIFE?! I ain’t Wildlife!!!

Okay, this one is from Stephanie and is well worth watching … so click

HERE

NEVER!!!!

Shameful! But, it happens.

That’s funny, because I made up Get Out of Jail, Free cards that look just like the Monopoly ones that at the bottom have the name and address of our church on them that I pass out at Jail Ministry when someone is ready to get out and invite them to our church.

Another way of looking at that is if the devil is getting in your way a lot, it’s because he doesn’t want you going in that direction.

Illinois, Freeport  Law

In the 60’s and 70’s Freeport, IL had a law that all juke boxes had to be free play. 

A tavern could have a juke box but could not charge. It had to do with the mafia moving into control things. 

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son.

He read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.” 

His son asked,  “What happened to the flea?”

As Barb was getting to know David and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other. 

“They’re so thoughtful,” Barb said. “Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning.” 

After a time, Barb and David were engaged, and then married. 

On the way from the wedding to the reception, Barb again remarked on David’s loving parents, and even the coffee in bed. 

“Tell me,” she said, “does it run in the family?” 

“It sure does,” replied David. “And I take after my mom.”

Letters Of Recommendations For Employees


For the chronically absent:

“A man like him is hard to find.”

“It seemed his career was just taking off.”


For the office drunk:

“I feel his real talent is wasted here.”

“We generally found him loaded with work to do.”


For an employee with no ambition:

“He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in.” 

“You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you.” 

“He consistently achieves the standards he sets for himself.” 


For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled: 

“I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.” 


For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate: 

“I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.” 

“All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.” 

16 of the Dumbest Ways People Have Tragically Passed

Why does it take two weeks to take off three pounds and only two days to gain ’em back?

I don’t understand why the US stopped making pennies. It just doesn’t make cents …

I’ve been alive my whole life and not once have I seen a commercial for Chinese food.

I made it, it’s done, I’m happy, I hope you guys are, too. I enjoyed this one. Love and happiness, ya’ll.

Well, gonna make this quick. This is gonna be a down and dirty, quick and easy issue. It has been one of those weeks and is looking to be a LONG weekend. So, I want to put something together so that you guys will have a bit of a laugh for the weekend.

So, without further ado…

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
– Milton Berle (1908-2002)

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some people abuse the privilege. 

Georgia, Columbus Law
 
No one may practice the business of tattooing on Sunday. 

Below is an actual letter sent to a Bank in the United States. 

The Bank Manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.


Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. 
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have lapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. 
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. 

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. 
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. 
You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. 
No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2026, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank.

I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised of the following changes:

I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. 
You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. 
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. 
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. 
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. 
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. 
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. 

My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice service: Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact. 
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. 
This month, I’ve chosen a refrain from The Best of Woody Guthrie: “Oh, the banks are made of  marble, With a guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with silver, that the miners sweated for.”

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. 
As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. 
Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. 
First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. 
This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. 
Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. 
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. 
My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. 

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?

Your Humble Client,

(Name Withheld)

As part of its new disaster recovery plan, this Australian company takes out a lease on a secondary site about an hour outside of town from its headquarters, says an IT consultant hired to advise the company. 

“The place was perfect,” the consultant says. “It was an old warehouse that had been converted into offices and a call center. 

It had everything, and the owner was happy to sign a long lease, as the property had sat vacant since the dot-com collapse.” 

Six months later, the company is ready for a trial run of its disaster plan and invites the consultant back to watch the drill. 

“Everyone turns up at work and is told that due to ‘biowarfare,’ the office is unusable for the foreseeable future,” he says. 

“Everyone grabs what they can, then climbs onto a bus and heads off to the country.” 

An hour and a half later, the bus pulls up at a lovely piece of land, vacant except for some construction machinery. 

“Where’s our secondary site?” the company CEO chokes out. 

“The site was sold two months ago,” workers tell him. “We’re just finishing the leveling.” 

“What about the furniture and equipment inside the old building?” asks the CEO. 

“It was all just bulldozed into the landfill at the back of the lot,” the crew’s foreman says. 

After another long bus ride and several days of witch-hunting, the truth comes out. 

“A junior accountant had been given the job of looking for wasted expenditure and had come across the lease on the secondary site,” says the consultant. 

Since the company had no business out that way and the site did not produce any income, he had deduced that it was a wasted expenditure and had the lease cancelled. 

The owner of the site had then, in disgust, sold the property.

That accountant is still looking for gainful employment.

My 17 year old daughter, Steph who had just received her provisional diving licence offered to drive us to church. 

After a wild ride, we finally reached our destination.

Steph’s mother got out of the car and said, “Thank you.” 

“Anytime,” Steph replied.

As my wife slammed the door, she said, “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to God.” 

And that’s it.

Gotta go.

Love to you all.

Just finished the last one and immediately starting this one because I need to get ahead. 

I can’t tell you why I need to get ahead.

It may or may not be apparent by the time you read this.

At any rate, I have nothing new to add to this opening since I closed the last one, so let’s jump into the fun stuff.

Dear Mom and Dad,

Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and were worried. We are OK.  

Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. 

Oh yes, please call Chad’s mother and tell her he is OK.  He can’t write because of the cast. 

I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it wasn’t for the lightning. 

Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him. 

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood didn’t burn, but one of the tents did.  Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. 


We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the wreck.  The brakes worked OK when we left. 

Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance.  

We think it’s a neat car. He doesn’t care if we get it dirty, and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. 

It get pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. 

Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any traffic. All we ever see up here is logging trucks. 

This morning, all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake.  

Scoutmaster Walt wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake.  It was great.  You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Walt isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters.  He didn’t even get mad about the lifejackets. 

He has to spend a lot of the time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. 

Guess what?  We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. 

Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.  

He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I’m so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. 

He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedophile? 

I have to go now.  We are going to town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don’t worry about anything.  We are fine. 

Love, Jordie

PS: How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

OFFICE LANGUAGE…..

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps all over everything and then leaves.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the 0 adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

OHNO-SECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake. Like making the selection that reformats your hard drive.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

I had years of private piano lessons and can now instantly tell the white keys from the black keys!

Lots of great art.

Office Inspirational Posters

–
If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. 
–
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. 
–
Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
–
If you think we’re a bad firm, you should see our rivals!
–
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings – they did it by killing all those who opposed them. 
–
A person who smiles in the face of adversity… probably has a scapegoat. 
–
ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE….. We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members! 
–
2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
–
If at first you don’t succeed – try management.
–
It’s only unethical if you get caught.
–
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. Never quit until you have another job. 
–
Work harder slaves!
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
–
If you can read this, you’re not working!
–
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
–
Go the extra mile – It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker. 
–
Pride, Commitment, Teamwork: words we use to get you to work for free. 
–
Succeed in spite of management.
–
Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.
–
There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don’t work here anymore. 

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. 

– Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

Hey!  Remember this one?

Pop Smith added some context … In an email titled The land isn’t free but it is cheap

Thanks Pop!

I know some people like that.

I know some people like that, too.

So, my buddy Wheats sent me this picture:

Then we wondered what the Mystery Machine would look like and he said it would have to be this vehicle:

And I, of course agreed whole heartedly. But then within a few minutes, he sent me this:

Which I thought was excellent, but then he thought this was more appropriate for the time frame:

And this, dear friends, is how buddy Wheats and I spend far too much time.

AND EGGS!  YOU NEED EGGS TO MAKE FRENCH TOAST!!!!

‘It all started when…’: Pour a dash of these laughs into your morning coffee to energize you for the work week ahead (February 14, 2026)

I have questions… a LOT of questions!

If a lawyer can be disbarred can a musician be denoted or a model deposed?

And that’s it my friends.  There may or may not be an issue this Saturday. I will do my best. This was supposed to be a four day weekend for me and yet I was called in to work twice … just sayin’.  And this weekend coming up  is the UTA, so I have to work. I’m predicting a BAD week this week. So, we’ll see.

At any rate …

Well, today is Friday, tomorrow is Saturday … Valentine’s Day, and I’ve already completed tomorrow’s episode and didn’t remember that it was V-day. Not that I particularly cared on my part. Mary and I never really did anything special on Valentine’s Day, both of us feeling it was basically a made up holiday to sell stuff. If you need a special day to be romantic then you don’t have a real relationship to begin with. We were both Valentines Day romantic with each other throughout the year. We didn’t need a special day…even when we were dating.

Anyway, my apologies to anyone who was expecting something special.

The world is going nuts, my life is deeply entrenched in such. So we all need some laughter to see us through.

I’m not normally one for fart jokes, but that one was too good to not share.

Just like a woman to complain. Come on! He shoveled!

I had actually did a search for something else and this popped up on line. This is a carving that my dad did many years ago that appeared on the cover of this wood carving magazine. Dad was an amazing artist in many fields. For many years in the area where he lived, they had to ask him to judge the wood carving competitions because then he couldn’t enter. Because when other carvers found out he was entering they wouldn’t because they knew they couldn’t win.  This was not the only time he was featured on the cover of this magazine.

Officers were in a physical struggle with an armed suspect when a gun was perceived and the word “gun” was shouted. Under settled self-defense law, officers are entitled to rely on fellow officers’ reasonable perceptions. They do not have to personally confirm the threat.

These next six are from Lynn … Take a Second Look:

This photo looks a bit odd at first glance, but give it a second look, and you’ll see your eyes were just playing some mischievous tricks.

Mmm, who doesn’t love a good, gooey pastry for breakfast or snack time? But hold the sugar, folks! We’ve stumbled upon a batch of pastries that just won’t do. These slithering, hissing delights may look like they’re begging to be devoured, but we’ll have to pass. Why would anyone pass on a delicious glazed donut? Well, take a long look because these donuts might have some serious repercussions if you take a bite!

Who knew pastry danger was a real thing?

Photos like this can completely alter your perception of reality! The mind can really play tricks on you, and this boat in the ocean, which is a leather couch, is proof enough.

Don’t look over these photos too quickly, or you might miss what they really are! Just like this sea urchin turned curly-haired diver!

At first glance, those ducks swimming around the pond look like they’re having the time of their lives. But upon closer inspection, it’s revealed that they’re actually motorcycles drowning! The handlebars peeking through give it away, but for a moment there, it was a case of “what the duck?” 

This is an amazingly clear photo of Jupiter from a telescope! You can see so much detail on this planet, from the colors and texture to even little animals. That’s right; there are ducks, grass, and even bodies of water. Who would have thought that Jupiter could be so… duck-friendly? Okay, so maybe it’s not Jupiter, but it sure does look like it.

Okay, so this one is a VERY cool website to visit.  Thanks to Stephanie for sending this one in.

35 Extremely Obvious Things Everyone On Earth Should Know I Just Learned For The First Time That Completely And Totally Blew My Mind

Now I get it.

Okay…I have to jump in here. This is NOT a torpedo. Not even CLOSE to a torpedo.

Well, gee Impish, how do YOU know? Are you a torpedo expert?

Nope, not a torpedo expert. But, I probably am an expert on what THAT is. That, my dear friends, is a BDU-33 practice bomb. They go on airplanes, not submarines. They weight 25 pounds and are painted blue (for practice). And over my 13 year Air Force bomb loading career, I may have loaded hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of them.  I probably didn’t hit a million, but I’ll bet it was close.  An average day could have seen us slam 300 of them, easy.  So, let’s do the math.  Thinking that I didn’t do that my whole career because some years I was in the gun shop. So let’s say 6 years. And let’s say that 3 days a week we loaded an average of 200 25 lb bombs. Now that doesn’t count the big bombs that we loaded regularly either. So, 3 days a week x 52 weeks a year x 6 years x 200 bombs a day x 25 lbs a bomb = (boy was I wrong!!!) 4,680,000 pounds of practice bombs!!!! 

Holy cow, I’ve never done that before.  I suppose that does make me an expert.

I laughed so hard!

Shouldn’t that be a given?

A man can’t be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

– Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Dear Ma and Pa:


I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. 

Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. 

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.


Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. 

No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. 

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water.


Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. 

But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. 

Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again.


It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much. 

We go on “route” marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. 

If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. 

A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. 

Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. 

The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. 

They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. 

The bulls-eye is near as big as a Chipmunk head and don’t move. 

And it ain’t shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. 

All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. 

You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. 

You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. 

I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. 

He joined up the same time as me. But I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and weighs near 300 pounds dry. 

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Gail

That used to be me ALL THE TIME!!!!!  Two things changed for me. The first helped some: My dear Mary’s faith in God’s grace.  And the second, sadly, helped a lot. My own faith in God’s grace, which came as strongly as it should have been, only after the passing of my dear Mary. And one day … one day probably soon, my own testimony story will probably be a Last Word in here. That will be tough, since just writing this has got me crying.  

I have said it over and over and over again.

Look at it this way, if it’s in the Bible, it’s the truth. It’s God’s Word. It doesn’t change, it’s not outdated, it is what we need to live by. If a pastor tells you anything different, he … or she … is an impastor. 

A marriage broker goes to see Mr. Cohen, a confirmed bachelor for many years.

“Mr Cohen, don’t let it get too late. I have exactly the woman you need.  

You only have to say the word and you’ll meet and be married in no time!” says the marriage broker.

“Don’t bother,” replies Mr. Cohen, “I’ve two sisters at home, who look after all my needs….I am happy with that arrangement.”

“That’s all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife.”

“I said ‘two sisters’…. I didn’t say they were mine!” 

“So tell me, Mrs. Smith,” asked the interviewer, “have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?” 

“Actually, yes,” said the applicant modestly. “Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel.”

“Very impressive,” he commented, “but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours.” 

Mrs. Smith explained brightly, “Oh, that was during office hours.” 

Georgia  Law

No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday. 

This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public toilet. And it finally explains to all you men what takes us so long. 

My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a little girl, she’d bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. 

Then, she’d carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she’d instruct, “Never, never sit on a public toilet seat.” 

And she’d demonstrate “The Stance,” which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. 

But by this time, I’d have peed down my leg. And we’d go home. 

That was a long time ago. I’ve had lots of experience with public toilets since then, but I’m still not particularly fond of public toilets, especially those with powerful, red-eye sensors. 

Those toilets know when you want them to flush. 

They are psychic toilets. But I always confuse their psychic ability by following my mother’s advice and assuming The Stance. 

The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one’s bladder is especially full. This is most likely to occur after watching a full-length feature film. 

During the movie pee, it is nearly impossible to hold The Stance. You know what I mean. You drink a two liter cup of Diet Coke, then sit still 
through a three-hour saga because, for God’s sake, even if you didn’t wipe or wash your hands in the bathroom, you’d still miss the pivotal 
part of the movie or the second scene, in which they flash the leading man’s naked derriere. 

So, you cross your legs and you hold it. And you hold it until that first credit rolls and you sprint to the bathroom, about ready to explode all over your internal organs. 

And at the bathroom, you find a line of women that makes you think there’s a half-price sale on Mel Gibson’s underwear in there. 

So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling politely. And you finally get closer. 

You check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied. You hope no one is doing frivolous things behind those stall doors, like blowing her nose or checking the contents of her wallet.

Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won’t latch. It doesn’t matter. 

You hang your handbag on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume The Stance. 

Relief. More relief. Then your thighs begin to shake. You’d love to sit down but you certainly hadn’t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The Stance as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper. Might as well be ready when you are done. The toilet paper dispenser is empty. 

Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny napkin you wiped your fingers on after eating buttered popcorn. It would have to do. You crumble it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail. 

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn’t work and your  pocketbook whams you in the head. “Occupied!” you scream as you reach out for the door, dropping your buttered popcorn napkin in a puddle and falling backward, directly onto the toilet seat. 

You get up quickly, but it’s too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that there was any, even if you had enough time to. 

Your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, “You don’t know what kind of diseases you could get.” 

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged to China. 

At that point, you give up. You’re finished peeing. You’re soaked by the splashing water. You’re exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chicklet wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. 

You can’t figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile politely at this point. 

One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River. 

You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman’s hand and say warmly, “Here You might need this.” 

At this time, you see your spouse, who has entered, used and exited his bathroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you. 

“What took you so long?” he asks, annoyed. This is when you kick him sharply in the shin and go home. 

Thanks for listening to me.

Thanks for laughing with me. 

Apparently the topic de jour on the news this morning (Saturday) is all things Epstein. Everything from the Clintons finally appearing and the odds of them lying in their depositions to Bill Gates asking Epstein for antibiotics to slip into his wife’s coffee because of an STD he caught while on the island. I think we will soon see a new TV show “As The Island Turns” or some other such nonsense. It would make millions.

Hmm, maybe I ought to make a pitch. 

Probably not.

Because I COULDN’T CARE LESS.

Everyone is so wrapped up in this nonsense. Evil is wrapped up in this world and when it comes to light, people act all surprised. And when it involves people of power, they act even more surprised. Well, gee, how in the world do you think they got in power? 

Anyway, enough about that. Moving on to important stuff…

What an outstanding sign!

Well, he doesn’t come out and exactly say so, but this may be a picture of the infamous Friggin’ Pete. It does all fit.

Apparently exercise helps you with decision making. It’s true. I went for a run this morning and decided
I’m never going again.

The most common words people misuse:
Two, To, Too
There, Their, They’re
Your, You’re
and Racist

Another absolutely AWESOME prank! BUT! If he got charged by the repairman, his asshole friends need to cover the bill. That’s only fair.

Amen! Amen! Praise God! Amen!

Hmmm, looking ahead, I have a whole row of dragon tattoos coming up.

After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.

I LOVE THIS ONE!!!! Don’t get it? Read Jonah … it’s only 4 chapters long.

We had a cappuccino machine, I thought my wife kept cleaning the crispy dried milk off the steamer spout, she thought I was doing it.

A year later, after coffee every morning, we found out the cat was licking it off when we were at work.

Today, my son came to me and gave me a hug – out of the blue. I was very pleasantly surprised – that is, until I heard him tell his father, “You’re right. She did gain weight.”

Me: So my husband… 

First Grader: You have a husband? 

Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me. 

First Grader: Oh, I always thought you were feral. 

Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’? 

First Grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

I think people who use the wrong word should have the humidity to admit it.

I always mean what I say.

I may not always mean to say it out loud, but I do mean it.

Yes!!!

I got a book at the used book store titled “A guide to Surgical Procedures”. I opened it up and the appendix was missing.

So, I need to get this off my chest.

I’m not sure if this was actually in the paper, just on their website, or just on this app that I have, but the Indy Star, a Newspaper in Indianapolis had this headline: IMPD reviewing after video shows officer threatening Black teen driver.

That sounds pretty bad right?

Well, it gets even worse when you read a little bit further down and you read that the officer had threatened to kill a 17-year-old black driver was posted on social media. Okay, catch up a little bit, IMPD is Indianapolis Metropolitan Police Dept.

The article talks about this poor kid’s mom saying that her son and 3 of his friends were driving along when they noticed a police car following them. They get pulled over at a gas station, less than half a mile from their school. The kid puts his phone on the dashboard, and you can hear the officer say, “We’re gonna get you out of the car here. So when you get out, I’m gonna pull you out, I want you to put your hands on top of the car, Ok?”

“What am I getting out for?

“The car smells like weed. Step out of the car,”

The officer grabs his wrist and pulls him out.

“Yo, what?” he asks

“I will f—ing kill you. Do you understand me?” the officer says

So, sounds bad, right? Let me tell you what makes this a rant for me. Because if you were to stop right there or just read the headline, you don’t get the true story. And I understand COMPLETELY why that officer said what he said.

Here’s the rest of the story:

These four kids were at an event at the school.

The police were warned that some of the kids at the school event were going to have weapons, so they were keeping an eye out for that.

These police officers witnessed these four kids with a weapon get into this car and allowed them to drive away from the school for safety reasons so they wouldn’t be near the school and then pulled them over in a safe(r) location.

I’m speculating on this next point, but it seems highly probable, if one of the kids made ANY KIND of move that EVEN LOOKED LIKE he was reaching for a weapon, that police officer would have said those exact words, “I will f—ing kill you. Do you understand me?” to get him to stop whatever it was he was doing or even thinking about doing because he DID NOT WANT TO HAVE TO SHOOT A KID. 

The cop had no idea at that point in time, which one of the kids or if ALL of the kids had a weapon on them. If any of them even made a move that LOOKED like they COULD have been going for a weapon, he would have used his loudest, most aggressive voice to get him to think twice about what he MIGHT have been thinking about doing because if he even LOOKED like he was going to pull a gun the police officer was just about obligated to shoot him. And he DID   NOT   WANT   TO   SHOOT   A   KID.  Even a dumb one.

In the end, three of the boys were released and one was arrested for possession of a firearm, thus proving my point. Just like you yell loudly at a child to NOT TOUCH THAT when they reach for a hot stove to frighten them into stopping what they are doing in the middle of what they are about to do.

I have used the exact same tactic myself while working in the jail as a jailor. (Also as a Sergeant with young airmen … same theory).

Of course, IMPD is reviewing the body cam footage of the officer, which, of course, hasn’t been released, they’ve apologized for the foul language and said that this is not the way we want interactions between law enforcement and the youth of Indianapolis to be and yadda, yadda, political correctness, woke nonsense.  

My bet is that this guy publicly will be counseled on proper interactions with youth or some such crap while privately will be told he did everything correctly. At least, that’s the way it should go down, if I have my facts straight.

So, Mom. All upset because your poor, innocent baby was “threatened by a police officer”? He may very well have saved his, or one of the other boys’ life.  Let me ask you a question: How come your poor, innocent baby was driving around with another kid with a gun? You can’t possibly say he didn’t know he had a gun if the police knew from a distance. What sort of friends are YOU allowing YOUR son to hang out with? Why aren’t you outraged over the fact that the school isn’t doing more to make sure that weapons aren’t allowed on school property or at a school function? Why is it the police’s fault when they are trying to SAVE YOUR CHILD’S LIFE?

And shame on you, Indy Star for putting that kind of a slant on that article instead of backing the IMPD up front, like you should have.

Okay, I’m done ranting. I just had to. I have a lot of friends in law enforcement and even some on IMPD and I’m sick and tired of them getting the dirty end of the stick. Do you know how scary a traffic stop is? 

I do.