Leprechaun Laughs #314 for September 2nd 2015

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Nice place huh? I’d like to say I got to go fishing there over the weekend or was going next weekend. But with this bunged up hand and now thanks to the bunged up hand forcing me to use the cane in my left hand my bunged up knee, my changes of scenery are limited to short distance moves to other rooms of the apartment and even those sometimes need assistance if I can’t fit all my needs in a pocket of a shoulder satchel.

Doctor is making some disturbing noises over the hand and has scheduled an ultra sound, some X rays and some sort of therapy which is supposed to get at the tendon swelling which so far has resisted going down with other treatments. As for the knee it’s just grin and bare it until its better, a slow tedious process. Strange how you can bung something up in a heartbeat but it will take a season to fix itself.

Speaking of seasons we’ve had some early fall preview weather here since last week with a few mornings in the low 70’s/ high 60’s. A pleasant change from the triple digit heat indexes that we were experiencing. The Farmers Almanac is predicting harder than normal winter for the North East and cooler and wetter than normal for Texas and I’m thinking this might be a foretelling of that.

Roughly 30 days remain to peak hurricane season and I’d be happy to have dodged seeing or even having to worry about one for an entire season.

OK time for more pills for pain and swelling and to get hand back up (actually I’ve been writing this 5 minutes at a time and 75% left handed)

 

Opening Logo 14

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I’ve gotten so desperate I’ve taken to drinking it out of a lidded travel mug with a straw to keep from spilling it. Problem is it doesn’t hold enough and the one that does is too heavy to hold with right hand while moving about on cane with left! I’ve even had to resort to using Molly’s Keurig because I can’t handle my pot left handed with making a mess.

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I got this theory says that Old Scratch used to be a Texican back in the day.

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Sure Sign its Hot in Texas

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A Staten Island lawyer asked a judge if he could have a “‘Game of Thrones’ style trial by combat” instead of an actual trial.

The Top 5 Differences in a “Game of Thrones” Style Courtroom Trial

5. A motion for sanctions can include requests for disbarring and/or beheading.

4.  The death penalty is the only sentence no matter what the crime and they still can’t beat Texas’ death penalty record.

3. The courtroom sketch artist is always running out of red colored pencils.

2. Based on the exposed breasts and penises, *every* jury is “hung.”


And the Number One Difference in a “Game of Thrones” Style Courtroom Trial…

  1. Readers will say that the transcript was better.

Damn! Another of my reality show ideas down the toilet!

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NEW HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL!!

Listen to the young people, F-this, F-that, and nary anyone will step up and correct them- even with wife and kids in tow!

FINALLY – – Someone in the teaching profession had the courage to set the standards so badly needed NOW.

We watched high school principal Dennis Prager of Colorado , along with Sara Palin and Tom Brokaw on TV a couple of weeks ago….what a dynamic, down  to earth speaker. Even though Palin and Brokaw were also guest speakers they did little but nod and agree with him. This is the guy that should be running for President in 2016

A Speech Every American High School Principal Should Give. By Dennis Prager .

To the students and faculty of our high school:

I am your new principal, and honored to be so. There is no greater calling than to teach young people.

I would like to apprise you of some important changes coming to our school. I am making these changes because I am convinced that most of the  ideas that have dominated public education in America have worked against you, against your teachers and against our country.

First, this school will no longer honor race or ethnicity. I could not care less if your racial makeup is black, brown, red, yellow or white. I could not care less if your origins are African, Latin American, Asian or European, or if your ancestors arrived here on the Mayflower or on slave ships. The only identity I care about, the only one this school will recognize, is your individual identity — your character, your scholarship, your humanity. And the only national identity this school will care about is American .

This is an American public school, and American public schools were created to make better Americans. If you wish to affirm an ethnic, racial or religious identity through school, you will have to go elsewhere. We will end all ethnicity, race and non-American nationality-based celebrations. They undermine the motto of America , one of its three central values — E pluribus Unum, “from many, one.” And this school will be guided by America ‘s values. This includes all after-school clubs. I will not authorize clubs that divide students based on any identities. This includes race, language, religion, sexual orientation or whatever else may become in vogue in a society divided by political correctness.

Your clubs will be based on interests and passions, not blood, ethnic, racial or other physically defined ties. Those clubs just cultivate narcissism — an unhealthy preoccupation with the self — while the purpose of education is to get you to think beyond yourself. So we will have clubs that transport you to the wonders and glories of art, music, astronomy, languages you do not already speak, carpentry and more. If the only extracurricular activities you can imagine being interested in are those based on ethnic, racial or sexual identity, that means that little outside of yourself really interests you.

Second, I am uninterested in whether English is your native language. My only interest in terms of language is that you leave this school speaking and writing English as fluently as possible. The English language has united America ‘s citizens for over 200 years, and it will unite us at this school. It is one of the indispensable reasons this country of immigrants has always come to be one country. And if you leave this school without excellent English language skills, I would be remiss in my duty to ensure that you will be prepared to successfully compete in the American job market. We will learn other languages here — it is deplorable that most Americans only speak English — but if you want classes taught in your native language rather than in English, this is not your school.

Third, because I regard learning as a sacred endeavor, everything in this school will reflect learning’s elevated status. This means, among other things, that you and your teachers will dress accordingly. Many people in our society dress more formally for Hollywood events than for church or school. These people have their priorities backward. Therefore, there will be a formal dress code at this school.

Fourth, no obscene language will be tolerated anywhere on this school’s property — whether in class, in the hallways or at athletic events. If you can’t speak without using the f -word, you can’t speak. By obscene language I mean the words banned by the Federal Communications Commission, plus epithets such as “Nigger,” even when used by one black student to address another black, or “bitch,” even when addressed by a girl to a girlfriend. It is my intent that by the time you leave this school, you will be among the few your age to instinctively distinguish between the elevated and the degraded, the holy and the obscene.

Fifth, we will end all self-esteem programs. In this school, self-esteem will be attained in only one way — the way people attained it until decided otherwise a generation ago — by earning it. One immediate consequence is that there will be one valedictorian, not eight.

Sixth, and last, I am reorienting the school toward academics and away from politics and propaganda. No more time will be devoted to scaring you about smoking and caffeine, or terrifying you about sexual harassment or global warming. No more semesters will be devoted to condom wearing and teaching you to regard sexual relations as only or primarily a health issue… There will be no more attempts to convince you that you are a victim because you are not white, or not male, or not heterosexual or not Christian. We will have failed if any one of you graduates this school and does not consider him or herself inordinately fortunate — to be alive and to be an American.

Now, please stand and join me in the Pledge of Allegiance to the flag of our country. As many of you do not know the words, your teachers will hand them out to you.

 

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Dennis Prager is a radio talk show host in California.  He has never been a school principal.  No such event as described below has ever occurred.

The text referenced above is one such column, a piece authored by talk show host Dennis Prager, a staple of Southern California talk radio for over twenty years (and now a nationally syndicated radio host as well). Mr. Prager has never been a high school principal. His column, “A Speech Every American High School Principal Should Give,” was originally published on 13 July 2010, and within a few weeks of its publication we began receiving e-mailed copies which omitted the authorial attribution and changed the piece’s premise from the abstract to the concrete by presenting its content as a speech actually delivered by a real high school principal to his school’s incoming class:

  • An early-August 2010 version was positioned as “Supposedly from an Arizona Principal.”
  • Another early-August 2010 version bore this preface: “Hillsdale College is setting up a charter school in Washington D.C. This is what each student that is allowed to enroll in the school and their parents will read, sign and adhere to while in attendence. I sincerely hope that in the near future all our schools will adopt these very same policies.”
  • A mid-August 2010 version asserted “This speech was given by a new HS principal in Florida.”
  • An early-September 2010 version proclaimed the item to be the “Principal’s Remarks at a South Texas school.”
  • A November 2010 version was titled “California Principal’s Opening Message to Students” and further asserted the speech was given by “Dennis Prager, a principal at a high school in Redding, California, on the first day of classes in 2010.”
  • A July 2011 version opened “We watched high school principal Dennis Prager of Colorado…”
  • A May 2012 version placed Sarah Palin and Tom Brokaw at the event as guest speakers: “We watched high school principal Dennis Prager of Colorado , along with Sara Palin and Tom Brokaw on TV a couple of weeks ago….what a dynamic, down to earth speaker. Even though Palin and Brokaw were also guest speakers they did little but nod and agree with him. This is the guy who should be running for President in 2012!”

In concept, Dennis Prager’s July 2010 column echoed one of his earlier efforts, a piece setting forth a commencement speech that he would give if were he called upon to address a graduating college class.
Read more at

The text referenced above is one such column, a piece authored by talk show host Dennis Prager, a staple of Southern California talk radio for over twenty years (and now a nationally syndicated radio host as well). Mr. Prager has never been a high school principal. His column, “A Speech Every American High School Principal Should Give,” was originally published on 13 July 2010, and within a few weeks of its publication we began receiving e-mailed copies which omitted the authorial attribution and changed the piece’s premise from the abstract to the concrete by presenting its content as a speech actually delivered by a real high school principal to his school’s incoming class:

  • An early-August 2010 version was positioned as “Supposedly from an Arizona Principal.”
  • Another early-August 2010 version bore this preface: “Hillsdale College is setting up a charter school in Washington D.C. This is what each student that is allowed to enroll in the school and their parents will read, sign and adhere to while in attendance. I sincerely hope that in the near future all our schools will adopt these very same policies.”
  • A mid-August 2010 version asserted “This speech was given by a new HS principal in Florida.”
  • An early-September 2010 version proclaimed the item to be the “Principal’s Remarks at a South Texas school.”
  • A November 2010 version was titled “California Principal’s Opening Message to Students” and further asserted the speech was given by “Dennis Prager, a principal at a high school in Redding, California, on the first day of classes in 2010.”
  • A July 2011 version opened “We watched high school principal Dennis Prager of Colorado…”
  • A May 2012 version placed Sarah Palin and Tom Brokaw at the event as guest speakers: “We watched high school principal Dennis Prager of Colorado , along with Sara Palin and Tom Brokaw on TV a couple of weeks ago….what a dynamic, down to earth speaker. Even though Palin and Brokaw were also guest speakers they did little but nod and agree with him. This is the guy who should be running for President in 2012!”

In concept, Dennis Prager’s July 2010 column echoed one of his earlier efforts, a piece setting forth a commencement speech that he would give if were he called upon to address a graduating college class.

Read more at http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/principal.asp#LtYHQILbgrGmwkzw.99

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How do you avoid this happening and seeing your send to me laughed at here just like this? It’s incredibly easy actually, just follow these simple steps:

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Globalization?

A definition of globalization that I can understand and to which I now can relate:

Question:
What is the truest definition of  Globalization ?

Answer :
Princess Diana’s death.

Question:

How come?

Answer :

An English Princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling), followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

This was sent to me by a Canadian, [Living in Australia] using American Bill Gates’ technology, and you’re probably reading this on your computer, that  uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian truck drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexicans who are in the US illegally because the current president, born in Kenya and educated as a Muslim in Indonesia refuses to enforce US law.

That, my friends, is Globalization !

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No dog has ever been happier than this dog in a hot tub

Just look at this cute little guy and tell me you’ve ever seen a happier pooch. I don’t know if anybody has ever loved anything as much as this dog loves this hot tub. Watch his cute and funny reaction as the hot tub jets massage his back.

Sounds a lot like the same noises Impish makes in a hot tub!

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My understanding is Mrs. Dragon actually bought him a new recliner with a noxious odor filter and a catalytic converter the output side of which is ducted to the outside

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Presidential candidate Donald Trump had to return to New York City to show up for jury duty. I know we just did this topic with President George W. Bush who also had to report for jury duty, but I just couldn’t resist…

The Top 5 Overheard During Donald Trump’s Jury Duty Term

5.) “Juror #6 insists on seeing the court’s proof of jurisdiction in exchange for $5 million to the charity of the judge’s choice.”
4.) “And my point is that if the defendant doesn’t have a hundred million dollars on him right now, then we aren’t peers.”
3.) “Can’t the defendant just declare bankruptcy and start all over with no charges against him?”
2.) “No Mr. Trump, my ruling has nothing to do with my time of the month.”

And the Number One Overheard During Donald Trump’s Jury Duty Term…

1.) “‘I’m really rich’ is not a verdict, Mr. Trump.”

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    Watermelon-and-Cucumber Smoothie

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    Total Time: 5 min
    Prep: 5 min
    Yield: 1 serving
    Level: Easy

     

     

     

     

     

    Ingredients

    One 2-inch piece English cucumber, peeled and roughly chopped (about 1/2 cup), plus one slice reserved for garnish
    3 tablespoons lowfat buttermilk
    1 tablespoon honey, optional
    1/2 small lime, juiced (about 1 tablespoon)
    2 cups cubed seedless watermelon, frozen

    Directions

    Put the cucumber, buttermilk, honey if using and lime juice into a blender. Blend on high until smooth. Add half of the frozen watermelon and blend until almost completely smooth, turning off the blender and pushing down on the ingredients with a spatula or wooden spoon as needed to help the blending process. Add the remaining frozen watermelon and continue to blend until smooth. Add 1 to 2 tablespoons of water if needed to adjust consistency. Pour into a glass and garnish with a cucumber slice.

    I like a little fresh mint dropped in at the final couple pulses before serving. You can use lemon instead of lime and I’ve even see one with kiwi instead of cucumber though I’m not sure about the buttermilk in that one. No buttermilk? Use a little light cream like you’d put in coffee or perhaps a little coconut cream if you have it. To make it an adult beverage I recommend a wee dram of Malibu Coconut Rum.

     

    BBQ Pork Loaded Fries

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    At a glance

    Prep 30 min.

    Total 40 min.

    Serves 8

    Bake: 10 min.

    Prepared steak fries are topped with savory pulled pork and Cheddar cheese. They are baked for just 10 minutes, sprinkled with tomato and green onion for winning loaded fries everyone will enjoy!

    What You’ll Need

    2 cups warmed slow- cooked pulled pork 
    1 package (28 ounces) frozen steak fries, prepared  according to package directions
    1 cup shredded sharp Cheddar cheese  or Monterey Jack cheese (about 4 ounces)
    1 medium tomato, chopped (about 1/2 cup)
    2 green onions, sliced (about 1/4 cup)

    How to Make It

    • 1 Set the oven to 450°F.  Drain any excess liquid from the pork. 
    • 2 Arrange the fries in a 13x9x2-inch baking dish.  Top with the pork and cheese.
    • 3 Bake for 10 minutes or until hot and the cheese is melted.  Sprinkle with the tomato and green onions before serving.

    Serves 4 to 6

    I gave you a killer pulled pork recipe last week and this is perfect for the left overs or to serve a large crowd. Works well with waffle fries & potato skins as well though you may need to alter your cooking time and temp. Pepper Jack Cheese goes well as well and give it a little zing if your like your nachos spicy.

    Works well with left over pot roast shredded and tossed with equal parts BBQ sauce and Picante as well.

    I like to do it with sausage gravy too. Bake fries first the apply gravy and cheese and put back in oven (I turn it off as soon as it goes back in) for 5 minutes until cheese melts

     

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    Someone out there Must be “deadly” at Scrabble.

    Wait till you see the last one! It’s going to be hard to top because it fits to a “T”

    PRESBYTERIAN:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    BEST IN PRAYER

    ASTRONOMER:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    MOON STARER

    DESPERATION:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    A ROPE ENDS IT

    THE EYES:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    THEY SEE

    GEORGE BUSH:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    HE BUGS GORE

    THE MORSE CODE:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    HERE COME DOTS

    DORMITORY:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    DIRTY ROOM

    SLOT MACHINES:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    CASH LOST IN ME

    ELECTION RESULTS:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    LIES – LET’S RECOUNT

    SNOOZE ALARMS:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    ALAS!  NO MORE Z’S

    A DECIMAL POINT:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    I’M A DOT IN PLACE

    THE EARTHQUAKES:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    THAT QUEER SHAKE

    ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    TWELVE PLUS ONE

    AND FINALLY…. FOR THE GRAND FINALE :

    PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA
    When you rearrange the letters:

    An Arab Backed Imposter

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    What  Causes The Most Accidents In the USA? Not  cell phones…. 

    Not  the radio………
    Not the GPS monitor…… 
    Not talking………….
    Not  texting…………..
    Not watching a car  video……
    Not changing a  CD…….
    Most driving accidents in the USA  are caused  by:

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    Yep  !!!….
    You guessed  it right!!!….
    Inappropriate  footwear !!!!…

     

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    Warning Toxic To Liberals

    Virginia Tech survivor: The gun lobby’s foolish answer

    By Colin Goddard Updated 11:39 AM ET, Fri August 28, 2015

    Editor’s note: Colin Goddard is a Virginia Tech shooting survivor and a senior policy advocate for Everytown for Gun Safety, a gun control advocacy group. The opinions expressed in this commentary are his.

    (CNN)Early Wednesday morning, Alison Parker and Adam Ward were on assignment in Moneta, Virginia — Parker as a reporter and Ward as a cameraman. Working for WDBJ7, Roanoke’s CBS affiliate, they were working on a story about the 50th anniversary of Smith Mountain Lake and interviewing Vicki Gardner, who leads Smith Mountain Lake’s Chamber of Commerce.

    In other words, they were doing their jobs.

    Until, in a few terrifying moments on live TV, they weren’t.

    Instead they became two more victims of our nation’s gun violence epidemic. A disgruntled former WDBJ employee shot them both, severely wounding Gardner in the process. It was a chilling look at gun violence in this country, a crisis that kills more than 30,000 Americans each and every year.

    Wednesday’s horror hit particularly close to home for me, because, like Ward, I, too, am an alum of Virginia Tech. It’s conceivable that I could have crossed paths with him during our shared time on the Blacksburg campus. A little over eight years ago I survived the infamous mass shooting at Tech, which is less than 80 miles from where Ward died. Shrapnel is still lodged in my body from that day, but I was lucky to emerge with my life intact. Thirty-two others were killed.

    The extremist leadership of the National Rifle Association and other gun lobby groups routinely respond to these incidents with empty platitudes about how “the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.” In light of what transpired Wednesday, I’d like to follow their rhetoric to its logical end by asking them a couple of simple questions that our elected officials answer all too rarely.

      Are reporters supposed to keep a revolver in their left hands and hold onto the microphone with their right? Do cameramen avert death if they stare down the sights of an AR-15 with one eye while looking into the camera with the other?

      These questions, of course, reveal the absurdly unserious nature of the gun lobby’s worldview.

      While the details of how the shooter in the televised killing obtained his weapon continue to unfold, we know that requiring background checks on all gun sales would save lives. And yet despite this, gun lobby groups routinely hawk the idea that implementing background checks on all gun sales is overly burdensome to prospective buyers, as if the 90 additional seconds required to make sure the buyer isn’t a convicted domestic abuser or dangerously mentally ill is somehow an affront to one’s rights.

      Try telling that to a family member whose loved one was killed because a gunman avoided a background check. And yet for years, these groups have had enough political clout to scare politicians out of backing common sense reforms. Every year in Virginia, a small group of four gun lobby-backed legislators won’t even allow a basic background checks bill out of a House subcommittee.

      While checks are required on sales at federally licensed dealers, criminals and other dangerous people can all too easily shirk such checks by purchasing guns from unlicensed strangers — whether online, at a gun show or elsewhere.

      After tragedies like Wednesday’s, gun extremists will often try to change the subject. Sometimes they’ll suggest it’s “too soon” to talk about the bigger-picture policy issues that could help reduce gun violence. They’ll say that it would be “irresponsible to politicize” these moments, as if merely discussing ways to prevent future tragedies like these somehow dishonors the victims. If we followed this logic, there would never be a time to have these conversations, because 88 Americans are shot and killed every day.

      The truth is, elected officials who aren’t willing to take action want these events to recede from the headlines so they can return to the status quo of not standing up to the gun lobby.

      It’s time for all Americans to come together and ask our lawmakers, “Do you side with the overwhelming number of Americans who support basic gun safety measures or do you side with the gun lobby?”

      For the sake of the many Americans whose lives were destroyed during this cruel summer of gun violence — while doing their jobs, enjoying a night out at the movies, or praying in their house of worship — we demand that political leaders side the right way and take action to end this crisis.

      I am sympathetic towards Mr. Goddard for being a VTech shooting survivor, and can certainly both see and understand from whence he arrives at his view point. I’ll even go so far as to say that I can agree with him that the Gun Lobby does keep some much needed reforms from ever occurring and that those reforms might possibly save some lives. However as much as he rails at the Pro Gun faction for it’s behavior, you could reverse the statements and point them right back at the liberals.

      Liberal never miss the chance to snowball the slightest incident into a reason to ban guns all together utilizing the logic that guns themselves are bad and responsible for the horrors that we as a society witness.

      They point to lives destroyed by guns, and tell us we can ‘trust them’ to usurp another of our constitutionally guaranteed rights. One which pretty much every founding father at one point said was the only assurance the populace had against a tyrannical government.

      They love to drag their poster child for the Evilness of Guns, AR-15 into the discussion of every event even if one was not involved.

      But what they really hate? Facts. Hard unassailable, non-spinable, incontrovertible data that throws the bullshit flag on their entire gun hating position. Facts and data like this:

       

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      Posted in Uncategorized | 17 Comments

      Dragon Laffs #1450

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      Good Morning Campers,

      This is going to sound horrible, but it is now officially Friday (by about 30 minutes) and I have just started putting this week’s issue together.  Now, mind you, I’ve been gathering material and working on things, but usually by this time I’ve got most of it done and am just putting the finishing touches on it.

      I don’t have a really good excuse, like poor Lethal with his busted up finger, nor a good excuse like Lethal who’s had a week from hell…well…thinking about his history, maybe not. 

      Nope, my only excuse is….I been busy.  I been a berry, berry a busy.

      Yup.  That’s it.

      BUT!

      I’m sure you will find that this issue is just a fun filled as any other.  The only thing you will really be missing…well, the two or three of you who actually read it … is the Agent 44-DD chapter.  Like Lethal told you the other day, we’ve kinda written ourselves into a little corner and we need to discuss where we want the story to go from here.

      Hey, do me a favor, please.  Those of you who read the Agent 44-DD stories, can you give me a little bump on either the comments or an email and let me know whether you like it or not. 

      Okay, let’s do a quick thank you to those of you who’ve donated so far.  Not many to start with but I have high hopes that more of you will throw a dollar or two our way.  Give up a latte or a coffee this week and help us out, will you?

      Diaman
      Kristine M.
      Henry S.
      Ginny
      Don C.
      Fred S.

      Hmm, almost all of those names are familiar from last year.  Thank you all very much for your continued support.  You and the Veterans, the disabled, and the retired on a fixed income are going to have a lot more room in the good seats this year.

      Well, one more reminder that the donation button is to the right side towards the top and if you don’t want to use paypal you can always send me an email at impishdragon@gmail.com and I’ll give you the snail mail address.

      Now, without further ado…

      Untitled-05

      I’m thinking that maybe religion SHOULD be taught in school if these answers are any indication:

      Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following 25 statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched  or corrected Incorrect spelling has been left in .   
        
      1.    IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF. 
       
      2.    ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLETREE. NOAH’S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS. 
       
      3.    LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT. 
       
      4.    THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS. 
       
      5.    SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH. 

      6..    SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES. 
       
      7.    MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS. 
       
      8.    THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. 
       
      9.    THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE. 
       
      10.    THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

      11.    MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE  OF GERITOL. 
       
      12.    THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM. 
       
      13.    DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES. 
       
      14.    SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES. 
       
      15.    WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA. 
       
      16.    WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER. 
       
      17.    JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION. 
       
      18.    ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD. 
       
      19.    JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE. 
       
      20.    IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE. 

      21.    THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS. 

      22.    THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES. 
       
      23.    ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN. 

      24.    ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE. 
       
      25.    CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY. 
       
        
      Aren’t Children great!!

       

      6

      An Hour And A Half Installing The Cat Door, Wasted

      When you need validation for an hour and a half of hard work, maybe don’t expect to get it from the cat?

      “Yesterday, I spent an hour and half installing a new cat door so Philo the Cat could come and go as he pleases,” Philo’s owner wrote on YouTube last week. But the long-haired Siamese cat was clearly unimpressed by his human’s efforts

      Epic Cat Door Fail

      Well, at least the cat seems to enjoy his independence…

       

      readers comments

      You guys all remember last week, when Tom, from the great Northwest wrote to us and we all laughed?  Well, he wrote in again, although, I don’t think we will be doing much laughing this time

      Hello Mr. Dragon; Last time I wrote to you I had some humor to share. This time it’s bad news. Our beautiful Oregon is on fire! If you have seen the national news you likely have seen that several western states are fighting forest fires. Now it’s getting close to home and warnings are out. Hundreds of thousands of acres are burning. Dozens of homes have been consumed. Several fire fighters have been injured and three have died in their efforts.
      Our home is miles away from any of the fires, yet the smoke is here and getting worse by the hour. The sun is an amber color and the smell is awful. My eyes are watering and my lungs feel it too. We now have an east to west wind that is bringing the smoke directly to us. The winds are up to 30-40 MPH. That hampers the fire fighters and makes the job difficult and dangerous. We’ve had no rain for two months and about 25 days with temperatures over 90. Several days over 100 degrees. Quite unusual for the area.  The National Guard is helping now and we have volunteers from Canada and Australia as well.
      I have a few photos for you;

      7d

      7e

      7f

      7g

      I just was outside and would estimate the visibility to be less than one mile. The loss will be severe before it’s over. The timber is a great value to our economy. Most of all lives have been lost. Soon the rain will return and new trees will grow, but we will never replace the lives of those who gave everything to save our forests.

      Thank you for the update Tom, and I’m sure I speak for all of us when I say, be careful and stay safe dear friend.

      6a

      If you don’t see it, keep looking.

      Don’t focus on the traffic.

      Thanks to my best pal and partner, Lethal Leprechaun for this one.

       

      Okay, before I go any further, I want to give you guys some warnings and a disclaimer.  First, the warnings:
      12

      And now the disclaimer, when you get to the end, which you eventually will, and you are looking for someone to pummel for the several minutes you just spent reading this that you will never, ever be able to get back, I want you to know, in no uncertain terms, that IT WASN’T ME!!!!!

      Our story starts back in the 1970’s. The west coast of the United States. Just off this coast live two clams: Sam Clam and Eddie Clam. Now, Sam and Eddie are pretty typical 1970’s clams. They like to head out to discos every night that they can and follow all of those regrettable fashion trends, like leisure suits and platform shoes. The two of them knew each other from when they were just little gastropods, so they were practically inseparable. They even shared an apartment. Anyway, one seemingly normal night, Sam Clam and Eddie Clam are heading out to their favorite disco, but since they live underwater and their favorite disco is on land, this means that they have to cross the Pacific Coast Highway to get there. Normally, this isn’t a problem, but tonight, Sam is breaking in a new pair of platform shoes, and he’s having a bit of trouble. As they cross the highway, Sam trips on his new shoes and falls on the pavement. Eddie isn’t paying much attention, but he turns around just in time to see a big truck run right over Sam Clam. No more Sam Clam. When Eddie sees this, he’s crushed (not in the same sense as Sam, but metaphorically). The two of them had been such good friends for so long that Eddie just didn’t know what to do with himself. For the next couple of weeks, Eddie just sat at home, mourning the passing of his dear friend. However, he eventually realized, “Hey, this isn’t how Sam would want me to handle his death! He’d want me to be out there painting the town, and having a blast!” So, Eddie resolves to go and have a good time that night. Unfortunately, Eddie is still pretty depressed, and when he starts crossing the highway, he’s just looking at his feet instead of looking for cars. Sure enough, one comes around the bend and flattens Eddie Clam. No more Eddie Clam. Except, just after that, Eddie sees a bright light at the end of a tunnel, and he emerges into what he believes to be clam heaven. His suspicions are confirmed when he looks over to see St. Peter Clam sitting at a desk by the pearly gates. Eddie walks over, and St. Peter Clam tells him, “You should have watched where you were going.” “Yeah, I guess so,” Eddie replies. “We’ll we’re all set for you here; your name’s on the list so you can–” “Actually,” Eddie interrupted, “Could you tell me if you saw a Sam Clam come through here a while ago? We’ve got some… unfinished business.” St. Peter Clam starts leafing through his guestbook, and eventually comes across the Sam Clam entry. The expression on his face told Eddie that Sam was not in clam heaven, but Eddie does some more pleading, and St. Peter Clam eventually relents. “Take this harp,” St. Peter Clam says, “And I’ll send you down there. The catch is, you have to keep strumming this harp the entire time you’re there. If you stop strumming, poof! You’re back up here, and not going back.” Eddie begins thanking St. Peter Clam profusely for the opportunity, and begins his descent. Eddie steps out into the clambake, and immediately realizes that he has no idea where to find Sam Clam. He stops a demon clam walking by, who, in an unusually friendly fashion, gives Eddie some directions on how to find Sam. Eddie follows them, and finds himself in front of a large building with a flashing sign that read “SAM’S DISCO”. Eddie gets really excited at this point, because it was always Sam Clam’s dream to run a disco. Eddie dashes into the disco, weaves through the demon clams on the dance floor, and finds a door labeled “Office”. Eddie knocks, and a voice beckons him in. Sam Clam is sitting at the desk, on the phone, but he drops the phone when he sees Eddie. The two of them lock eyes, and then dash toward each other to share a big clam hug (somehow). In the midst of the excitement, though, Eddie drops his harp, and ten seconds into the hug, poof! Eddie finds himself back up in clam heaven. St. Peter Clam inquires about Eddie’s excursion, and Eddie announces that he is finally at peace and ready to enter clam heaven. Nonetheless, St. Peter Clam stops him and says, “Well, wait, what happened to your harp?” Eddie Clam thinks for a second and exclaims, “Oh no! I left my harp in Sam Clam’s disco!”

      I know, I know, but I tried to warn you!

      6d

      Ain’t that the truth!

       

      Now, for a change of pace, let’s watch the Navy perform some selections from the Jersey Boys.  You won’t be sorry

      Those guys were great!

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      One of my all time favorite pictures.  This one is GREAT for the wallpaper on your phone.

       

      Things Overheard While Having Sex

       


      * “A hundred bucks?!? What can I get for ten?”

      * “Mmmmm, yeah baby, take it off! C’mon, nice & slow … That’s goo–
      AAAARRGGGG!! Disconnected again! Friggin’ AOL!!!”

      * “Dammit! They just don’t make these colostomy bags as strong as they used to!”

      * “Oooh, you’re so BIG! Oooh, you’re so POWERFUL!
      Oooh, your batteries just died!”

      * ” … ‘Rectum? It nearly killed him.’ Get it? Wait … come back!”

      * “No, really, I always yawn like that when I climax.”

      * “It’s called a ‘bra.’ Women wear them under their clothes.”

      * “Don’t laugh — if *all* penises were this small, birth control would be a thing of the past!”

      * “OK, now put on the Deanna Troi mask and say ‘Captain, I can sense your throbbing manhood!’ …No, no, try it again with more accent!”

      * “Oh, Baby! Here I expected 5, and you whip out 13!!”

      * “Well, what you lack in size, you make up for in speed.”

      * “Top 5? C’mon, it’s more like the Top 3 1/2!”

      * “Wait! Wait! We can’t start until I find my beret!!”

      * “Dammit Mom! Knock first!”

      * “OK, this time, *you* be Martha Stewart and *I’ll* be Rico the gardener.”

      * “Look, lover boy, $120 means $120 — I don’t give a shit if that works out to $240 a minute.”

      * “Mind if I wedge my calculator under your breast there while we’re doing this?”

      * “Shave it? You’re lucky I washed it.”

      * “Why yes, as a matter of fact, I *WAS* the original body model for the Ken doll. How in the world did you guess?”

      6e

      And we don’t believe you any more than we believed your husband.

       

      Okay, this is an oldie, but goodie.  But, the reason I’m presenting it here is that I swear my life is getting more and more like this.  There’s way too many times that I just can’t say the damn words!!!

      An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
      The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great, I would recommend it very highly.’
      The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
      The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
      You know, the one that’s red and has thorns.’
      ‘Do you mean a rose?’
      ‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

      6f

      An obvious nod to the heroes who stopped the terrorist on the French train recently.  It’s nice to know that there are some people willing to stand up still out there and it’s nice to know that, even in some small way, they get recognized.

       

      A blonde gets home from work early and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.
      “What’s going on?” she asks.
      “I think I’m having a heart attack,” cries the husband.
      The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she’s dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, “Mommy, Mommy, Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe, and she has no clothes on.”
      The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband. Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
      “You rotten bitch”, she screams. “My husband’s having a heart attack, and you’re running around naked, playing hide and seek with the kids?!”

       

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      Just a warning.  Get caught cheating on a test in OUR school and see what happens to you!!!

       

      Work Gripes
       
      1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

      2. If it’s really a ‘rush job,’ run in and interrupt me every ten minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps.

      3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

      4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.

      5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.

      6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.

      7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.

      8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.

      9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.

      10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

      11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life.

      12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate.

       

      1516

      Gads, that one is awful as well!!!!

       

      A pretty young maiden from France
      Decided she’d “just take a chance.”
      She let herself go
      For an hour or so
      And now all her sisters are aunts.

       

      1517

      If there were such things as leaf blowers when we were kids, we would’ve done something like this, I’m sure.  How many of you out there can honestly say different?

       

      21 year David Ash did not see his parents Frankie and Carolyn parked in front of the Speed Mart store in Northport Alaska when he pulled up.
       
      He brushed past his father without looking up as he went into the store.
       
      His parents then watched in amazement as their son went behind the counter and held up the cashier.
       
      He then ran outside, jumped into his truck and sped off.
       
      His parents waited for the police to arrive and then identified their son as the robber.
       
      The problems for the David were just beginning, however. His car broke down during the getaway and he called his parents for help.
       
      They called police and told them where they could find him.

      Yeah, this guy’s the jackass of the week.  lol. 

       

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      a88

      a89

      a90

      a91

      a92

       

      This one’s just too good to pass up.  Talk about clueless!!!

       

       

      There’s a new democratic hopeful entering the race!!!

      6g

       

      After nearly 40 years of marriage, Charlie and his wife were lying in bed …
      Suddenly the wife felt Charlie begin to massage her in ways he hadn’t done in quite some time…
      It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back …
      He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach …
       
      He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf …
       
      Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg …
       
      He continued in the same manner on her right side … then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent …
       
      As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice…”Honey, that was wonderful … Why did you stop… ?”
       
      To which he responded… “I found the remote…”

       

      One of the most important thing we can change for the better, I believe, is to impose term limits on our House and Senate.  And realize that these idiots did nothing to gain such a retirement and benefit package as they have now.  Hell, even in the military you only get half your base pay at 20 years.  Not a one of these people ever did anything more important than the least of the military members have done.

      6i

       

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      Car Pooling4 (2)

      Duct Tape7 (2)

      Illegal Aliens

      Illegal Immigrants

      I'm a croc

      I'm not old

      6h

      1518

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      Lastly, here’s a couple of essays that really paint a different picture of The Donald and not only what he is offering, but what he represents as well.  I’m not saying he’s the nominee of choice, but I am saying he’s worth another glance.

      HATING TRUMP’S MESSAGE

       

      By Lloyd Marcus
      August 23, 2015
      NewsWithViews.com

      While on an aerobic machine at the gym, I caught Trump on TV. It occurred to me that Trump’s high poll numbers really represent the American people vs the America hating Left. Trump’s campaign slogan is “Make America Great Again.” Them’s fightin’ words to the Left.

      For decades the Left has used its domination of the media and public education to indoctrinate our kids into believing that it is racist and mean to think of America as great. The Left says such pride and patriotism is an insult to the rest of the world.

      You think I am crazy? Public elementary schools banned Lee Greenwood’s “Proud to be An American/God Bless the USA” in NY and Florida, thus far.

      A Brooklyn elementary school principal blocked patriotism from teachers’ plans for a school assembly. Students were going to march in carrying US flags while singing a patriotic song. Here is one of the offensive lyrics. “I’ll always do my part, I love my land that’s free.”

      The Ninth Circuit court upheld a San Francisco school district’s ban on wearing American flag t-shirts to school on a Mexican holiday.

      Professors at the University of California, Irvine join students in trying to ban the America flag on campus because they say it contributes to racism.

      Years ago a white friend told me her son came home from middle school a tearful basket case. He was filled with guilt about the evils his white forefathers thrust upon minorities. Today, my friend’s son is an America hating Communist. He also believes white males are the greatest source of evil in the world.

      A product of public education, a millennial relative said she would be traveling near South Dakota. I suggested she visit Mt Rushmore. Her reply was venomous, “I wouldn’t travel across the street to see those guys.”

      Trump saying such things as wanting to “make America a winner” and “make our military strong” is extremely crass to the Left; repulsive as showing Dracula the cross.

      Despite being drilled by the Left to hate their country, I believe American youths instinctively desire to love their homeland. Trump is making it okay to say it out loud.

      Even some Republicans are uncomfortable with Trump boldly advocating for America; vowing to make decisions in our best interest. Well trained by the Left, most professional politicians cringe hearing Trump say take the oil, make Mexico pay for the wall and stop giving money to countries that hate us. Talk of putting America first infuriates liberals; deeming it racist and insensitive to the global community.

      Ann Coulter is a rare voice on the big stage clamoring for an immigration policy rooted in America’s best interest rather than people to whom we owe nothing. Most pundits fear Leftists branding them racist, heartless and cruel. Consequently, Coulter’s unapologetic common sense is rare.

      Not only do Leftists support Obama governing against America’s best interest, they have been cheerleaders for his long list of decisions designed to tear down our country. Obama’s latest betrayal is his insane Iran nuke deal.

      Displaying off-the-chain condescension, Obama repeatedly tells us, issue after issue, we are not seeing what we are obviously seeing. For example. Obama says his deal prevents Iran from getting a nuclear bomb. Meanwhile, it is obvious to the world that Obama is green-lighting Iran acquiring a nuclear bomb. Obama’s ego is boundless. For crying out loud, Iran is already breaking the deal.

      Despite this Administrations’ pattern of telling us we are not seeing what we are obviously seeing, Admiral Lyons says Obama’s strategy is simple for any thinking American to see. “It’s anti-American; anti-western. It’s pro-Islamic. It’s pro-Iranian and pro-Muslim Brotherhood.”

      Obama, Hillary Clinton and John Kerry know Americans would reject dethroning us as the world super power and making citizens subservient to government. Insidiously, this Administration masks its betrayals with lofty words like fairness, compassion and patriotism. Obama’s definition of patriotism includes opening our borders to illegals – taking our guns – taxing businesses out-of-business – repealing Constitutional freedoms and addicting as many able-body Americans to government assistance as possible.

      Then along comes this outsider untamed by PC. Fearlessly, he speaks the truth. Wait a minute. This is a crazy way to run a country. I’m gonna make America great again! The people heard and responded positively. The Left is outraged.

      This is not an endorsement of Trump for president. I am simply saying the Left’s hatred of Trump’s message reflects their hatred of America and those who love her.

      Lloyd Marcus, Proud Unhyphenated American
      Chairman
      CampaignToDefeatObama.com

      © 2014 Lloyd Marcus – All Rights Reserved

      http://www.newswithviews.com/Marcus/lloyd333.htm

      And this second one shows us why Hilary, Obama and the rest of the democrats are scared to death of this man.

      Why Obama and Hillary Must Stop Donald Trump at All Costs

      By Wayne Allyn Root

      Someone is getting very nervous. Obama. Valerie Jarrett. Eric Holder. Hillary Clinton. Jon Corzine…to name just a few. And I know why.

      I wrote a book entitled, “The Murder of the Middle Class”

      about the unholy conspiracy between big government, big business and big media. They all benefit by the billions from this partnership and it’s in all of their interests to protect one another. It’s one for all, and all for one.

      It’s a heck of a filthy relationship that makes everyone filthy rich. Everyone except the American people. We get ripped off. We’re the patsies.

      But for once, the powerful socialist cabal and the corrupt crony capitalists are scared. I’ve never seen them this outraged…this vicious…this motivated…this coordinated. NEVER in all my years in politics, have I seen anything like the way the mad dogs of hell have been unleashed on Donald Trump.

      When white extremist David Dukes ran for Governor of Louisiana even he wasn’t treated with this kind of outrage, vitriol and disrespect. When a known fraud, scam artist and tax cheat like Al Sharpton ran for President, I never saw anything remotely close to this. The over-the-top reaction to Trump by politicians of both parties, the media and the biggest corporations of America has been so swift and insanely angry that it suggests they are all threatened and frightened like never before.

      Why? Because David Duke was never going to win. Al Sharpton was never going to win. Ron Paul was never going to win. Ross Perot was never going to win as a third party candidate. None of those candidates had the billion dollars it takes to win the presidency. But Donald Trump can self fund that amount tomorrow…and still have another billion left over to pour into the last two week stretch run before election day.

      No matter how much they say to the contrary, the media, business and political elite understand that Donald Trump is no joke and could actually win and upset their nice cozy apple cart.

      It’s no coincidence that everyone has gotten together to destroy Donald. No this is a coordinated conspiracy led by President Barack Obama himself. Obama himself is making the phone calls and giving the orders- the ultimate intimidator who plays by the rules of Chicago thug politics.

      Why is this so important to Obama? Because most of the other politicians are part of the “old boys club.” They talk big, but in the end they won’t change a thing. Why? Because they are all beholden to big money donors. They are all owned by lobbyists, unions, lawyers, gigantic environmental organizations, multi-national corporations like Big Pharma or Big Oil. Or they are owned lock stock and barrel by foreigners- like George Soros owns Obama, or foreign governments own Hillary with their Clinton Foundation donations.

      These run-of-the-mill establishment politicians are all puppets owned by big money. But one man- and only one man- isn’t beholden to anyone. One man doesn’t need foreigners, or foreign governments, or George Soros, or the United Autoworkers, or the Teachers Union, or the SEIU, or the Bar Association to fund his campaign.

      Billionaire tycoon and maverick Donald Trump doesn’t need anyone’s help. That means he doesn’t care what the media says. He doesn’t care what the corporate elites think. That makes him very dangerous to the entrenched interests. That makes Trump a huge threat. Trump can ruin everything for the bribed politicians and their spoiled slavemasters.

      Don’t you ever wonder why the GOP has never tried to impeach Obama? Don’t you wonder why Boehner and McConnell talk a big game, but never actually try to stop Obama? Don’t you wonder why Congress holds the purse strings, yet they’ve never tried to defund Obamacare or Obama’s clearly illegal Executive Action on amnesty for illegal aliens? Bizarre, right? It defies logic, right?

      Well first, I’d guess many key Republicans are being bribed. Secondly, I believe many key Republicans are being blackmailed. Whether they are having affairs…or secretly gay…or stealing taxpayer money…the NSA knows everything.

      Ask former House Speaker Dennis Hastert about that. The government even knew he was withdrawing large sums of his own money, from his own bank account. Trust me- the NSA, SEC, IRS and all the other 3-letter government agencies are watching every Republican political leader. They know everything.

      Thirdly, many Republicans are petrified of being called “racists.” So they are scared to ever criticize Obama, or call out his crimes, let alone demand his impeachment.

      Fourth, why rock the boat? After defeat or retirement, if you’re a “good boy” you’ve got a $5 million dollar per year lobbying job waiting.

      The big money interests have the system gamed. Win or lose…they win.

      But Donald Trump doesn’t play by any of these rules. Trump breaks up this nice cozy relationship between big government, big media and big business. All the rules are out the window if Donald wins the presidency. The other politicians will protect Obama and his aides. But not Donald.

      Remember Trump is the guy who publicly questioned Obama’s birth certificate. He questioned Obama’s college records and how a mediocre student got into an Ivy League university.

      Now he’s doing something no Republican has the chutzpah to do- question our relationship with Mexico …question why the border is wide open…questioning why no wall has been built across the border…questioning if allowing millions of illegal aliens into America is in our best interests…questioning why so many illegal aliens commit violent crimes yet are not deported…questioning why our trade deals with Mexico, Russia and China are so bad.

      Donald Trump has the audacity to ask out loud why American workers always get the short end of the stick? Good question.

      I’m certain Trump will question what happened to the almost billion dollars given in a rigged no-bid contract to college friends of Michele Obama at foreign companies to build the defective Obamacare web sites. By the way that tab is now up to $5 billion.

      Trump will ask if Obamacare’s architects can be charged with fraud for selling it by lying. He will ask if Obama himself committed fraud when he said, “If you like your healthcare plan, you can keep it.”

      Trump will investigate Obama’s widespread IRS conspiracy, not to mention Obama’s college records.

      Trump will prosecute Hillary Clinton and Obama for fraud committed to cover-up Benghazi before the election.

      How about the fraud committed by employees of the Labor Department when they made up dramatic job numbers in the last jobs report before the 2012 election.

      Obama, the multi-national corporations and the media need to stop this. They recognize this could get out of control. If left unchecked telling the raw truth and asking questions everyone else is afraid to ask, Donald could wake a sleeping giant.

      Trump’s election would be a nightmare. Obama has committed many crimes. No one else but Donald would dare to prosecute. Donald Trump will not hesitate. Once Donald gets in and gets a look at “the cooked books” and Obama’s records, the game is over. The gig is up. The goose is cooked.

      Eric Holder could wind up in prison. Valerie Jarrett could wind up in prison. Obama bundler Jon Corzine could wind up in prison for losing $1.5 billion of customer money.

      Hillary Clinton could wind up in jail for deleting 32,000 emails …or accepting bribes from foreign governments while Secretary of State …or for “misplacing” $6 billion as head of State Department …or for lying about Benghazi.

      The entire upper level management of the IRS could wind up in prison. Obamacare will be defunded and dismantled. The Obama Crime Family will be prosecuted for crimes against the American people. And Obama himself could wind up ruined, his legacy in tatters.

      Trump will investigate. Trump will prosecute. Trump will go after everyone involved…just for fun. That will all happen on Trump’s first day in the White House.

      Who knows what Donald will do on day #2?

      That’s why the dogs of hell have been unleashed on Donald Trump. That’s why we must all support Donald. This may be our only shot at saving America, uncovering the crimes committed against our nation and prosecuting all of those involved.

       

      Don’t forget to vote with stars and please consider giving us a donation.

      Cheers,

      Impish Dragon

      Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

      Leprechaun Laughs # 313 for Wednesday August 26th 2015

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      We’re (I hope) going to keep this short this morning.

      After a very all too brief reprieve I’m back to alternately baking in triple digit temps or choking on Ozone Warnings. Basically status quo for August and early September in SE Texas. We needed the rain and thankfully there were no major flooding issues.

      Late last week I nearly dislocated my right thumb during a near fall in the middle of the night. This makes typing and using my thumb driven trackball nearly impossible to say nothing of extremely painful. While I’m well on the way to healing that doesn’t help this weeks issue which thankfully was mostly done.

      This does mean there will be a brief hiatus for  the Agent 44DD Adventures on my part however and likely Impish’s as well not only due to my inability to write and our need to rethink some of the plot line but due to two of our upcoming issues being occasion specific.

      One official announcement before we get going:

      This year Impish and I have decided not to go with additional  special edition issues for Labor Day and to mark the 14th Anniversary of the September 11th attacks. This decision was made due to a number of factors and after careful review we felt the best decision.

      Impish will address Labor Day in his Saturday Sept 5th issue and I will have some September 11th related material in my Wednesday Sept 9th issue. We will of course immediately revert to our regular non reality based issues again commencing with Impish’s Sept 12th issue.

       

      Happy 4th Lets Roll

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      NOOOOO!!!!!!

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      Lamest excuses for having Ashley Madison accounts

       

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      WOW! And apparently a swallower too!

      knotted

      Former President George W. Bush received a summons for jury duty at the George Allen
      Courts Building in Dallas, Texas. He showed up for jury selection and posed for selfies with
      several of his fellow jurors at the courthouse.

      He didn’t get picked to serve on a jury but what if he had?

      The Top 5 Things Overheard During President Bush’s Jury Duty Term

      5. “What do you mean we can’t impose the death penalty for disturbing the peace? This is Texas!”

      4. “Umm, Mr. Bush, we’re only in the opening arguments. Could you please put away the ‘Mission Accomplished’ sign?”

      3. “Mr. Bush, this is the wrong courtroom. Again.”

      2. “No, Mr. Bush, Mr. Cheney may not participate in the jury’s deliberations.”

      And the Number One Thing Overheard During President Bush’s Jury Duty Term…

      1.  “Aw, c’mon…let us hear it just once more. Say ‘nuclear.'”

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      New from Dearborn, Michigan…….

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      The latest toy has hit the shops…

      A talking Muslim doll.
      Nobody knows what the hell it says,
      Because no one has the guts to pull the cord.

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      textual relations

       

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      Beer Braised BBQ Pork Butt

      As you’re reading this there is one of these finishing in my 5 Qt crockpot. Since I was already using my oven Monday at 450 degrees for fries I placed the Pork Butt in after the fries came out and left it while we had dinner. I put it in the removable crock and refrigerated it until this morning. Then I just picked up from the lower the oven to 325 point and applied it to the crock pot.

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      Ingredients

      For the dry rub:

      2 tablespoons kosher salt
      About 40 grinds black pepper
      2 tablespoons chili powder
      1 tablespoon garlic powder
      1 tablespoon onion powder
      2 teaspoons ground coriander
      2 teaspoons ground mustard seed

      12 ounces good ale or dark beer, such as Bass
      4 cloves garlic, chopped
      1 5 -pound pork butt (shoulder of the animal)

      Directions

      Combine rub ingredients in a bowl and mix well. Rub all over pork butt. Wrap in plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least one hour and as long as overnight.
      Preheat oven to 500 degrees F. Unwrap pork and place in a roasting pan with sides about 2 inches high. Cook 45 minutes until dark browned and even blackening in places. Remove from oven. Lower oven to 325 degrees F. Pour beer over the top and add chopped garlic around the pork. Cover tightly with heavy duty aluminum foil or twice with regular foil. Poke about 10 holes all over the top of the foil. Cook pork butt 2 1/2 hours longer until so tender that it comes away very easily from center bone.

      Place the meat on a plate and pour the pan juice (there will be plenty) into a saucepan. To the pan juices add:
      1/2 cup ketchup
      2 tablespoons whole grain Dijon mustard
      3 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
      1/3 cup dark brown sugar

      Bring to a simmer until reduced by half and thick, about 20 minutes.
      While the sauce is boiling down, pull apart the pork with 2 forks. Pour the sauce over the pulled pork and work through until fully absorbed.

      political_correctness4590

      Since Tuesday marked the 40th anniversary of Bruce Springsteen’s iconic rock album “Born to Run,”  I thought we should hear from the Boss himself.

       

      ‘Little House on the Prairie’ actress Melissa Gilbert to run for Congress

      By Lindsey Bever, The Washington Post Posted: 08/11/15, 4:00 PM EDT

      Actress Melissa Gilbert is best remembered as the freckled-faced child star in the 1970s and ‘80s TV series “Little House on the Prairie.” America watched her grow up on set — where she had her first kiss, learned to ride a horse and survived her first bee sting, she once told the Archive of American Television.

      The show undoubtedly gave her a name in the industry — and it’s that name that may now give her a boost in the battle for political success.

      Gilbert, 51, announced this week that she’s running for Congress in Michigan’s 8th Congressional District. Gilbert lives with her husband, fellow actor Timothy Busfield, in Livingston County, where she is seeking the Democratic nomination in the hopes of challenging the district’s Republican incumbent.

      “I’m running for Congress to make life a little easier for all the families who feel they have fallen through the cracks in today’s economy,” she said in a statement on her campaign site. “I believe building a new economy is a team effort, and we need to bring fresh voices to the table to get the job done.”

      It marks the first time Gilbert has sought political office — joining a long line of celebrities-turned-politicians. The most notable, perhaps, is Republican Ronald Reagan, who earned his celebrity as a film actor in the late 1930s, appearing in dozens of films, including “Dark Victory” alongside Bette Davis and Humphrey Bogart. But it was the 1942 “Kings Row” that he said “made me a star.” No doubt. He was later elected governor of California and then president of the United States.

      Gilbert has already started facing challenges at the start of her political career. The Internal Revenue Service said this summer that the actress owed more than $360,000 in federal income taxes, according to the Associated Press, “a point,” the Detroit Free Press said, “Michigan Republicans were quick to point out as she announced her campaign.”

      Read the rest of the article here.

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      On Hold

      After arriving home from a doctor’s appointment my husband, Bernard, told me that he was being referred to a specialist for further tests.

      He called our local hospital to make an appointment, but he was put on hold.

      The next thing I know he is laughing and holding out the phone to me to listen to the hospital’s choice of music:

      “Another One Bites the Dust” by Queen.

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      The Final Word on Nutrition

      After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here’s the final word on nutrition and health:

      1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

      2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

      3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

      4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

      5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

      6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us

      CONCLUSION:

      Eat and drink what you like.  Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

       

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      Gaah! It pains me only slightly less to be quoting Jon Stuart than it does to agree with Ralph Nader. Maybe because I’ve done it more often and because Jon is a bit like Impish and I and throws the Political B.S. flag fairly indiscriminately. Also there is no doubt in my mind that Jon loves this country (and NYC) as much and Impish and I do. I can’t speak for Impish but personally I wish I could be half as funny as Jon was on a regular basis. If that were true we’d have gone viral with this blog long ago.

      Regardless of all that Jon is right, betting on the American people when the cow chips hit the fan is a no brainer sure thing, just as a Moroccan would be ISIS terrorist found out last weekend.

      Train shooting heroes: The men who helped avert a massacre in Europe

      By Faith Karimi, CNN Updated 0354 GMT (1054 HKT) August 24, 2015

      (CNN) The three friends from the United States traveled in Europe as vacationers. Now the world knows them as heroes.

      Anthony Sadler, Spencer Stone and Alek Skarlatos were aboard a high-speed train en route to Paris from Amsterdam on Friday when a gunman opened fire.

      Along with two others — a French national and a Briton — they charged, tackled and subdued him, officials said.

      Applause poured in from world leaders and citizens alike as more details emerged on the chaotic, bloody scene aboard the train.

      Here are the five heroes who may have averted a massacre:

        ALEK SKARLATOS

        The 22-year-old Skarlatos, a National Guardsman based in Oregon, was on a month long vacation after his return from deployment in Afghanistan.

        But instead of taking in scenic European country sides, he was taking on an attacker aboard a zipping train.

        Skarlatos heard gunfire and breaking glass, and sensed something was wrong. When the suspect appeared with a gun in their car, he mobilized others.

        He is the one who yelled “get him” after he heard a gunshot and noticed that the gunman’s weapon appeared to be jammed.

        “The guy had a lot of ammo,” Skarlatos said of the attacker. “His intentions were pretty clear.”

        Once they charged at him, he seized the gunman’s rifle and pounded him in the head with the muzzle repeatedly.

        ANTHONY SADLER

        Sadler, a senior at California State University in Sacramento, was on his first trip to Europe when terror struck.

        When his friends jumped the gunman and took him down, he and another passenger helped restrain him and ensure he stayed down.

        “The three of us beat up the guy,” Sadler said. “In the process, Spencer gets slashed multiple times by the box cutter, and Alek takes the AK away.”

        Sadler helped tie up the suspect then went to other train cars to reassure passengers, said Jean-Hugues Anglade, a French actor who was traveling with his family.

        He “came running into our car, yelling that the shooter was overpowered by American soldiers on leave, that everything was fine,” Anglade told French magazine Paris Match. “He reassured us, he looked for survival blankets and a first aid kit for two seriously injured people.”

        It’ll be hard to top his first trip to Europe and his final year in college.

        “I’m just a college student, it’s my last year in college. I came to see my friends on my first trip in Europe and we stopped a terrorist, it’s kind of crazy,” Sadler told CNN.

        He urged people to be proactive during such situations.

        “The gunman would have been successful if my friends had not gotten up,” he said.

        CHRIS NORMAN

        Briton Chris Norman rushed to help the Americans overpower the suspected gunman.

        “All of us were in the same carriage, these two guys plus Spencer — the guy who got injured — were sitting on the same seats, the same row at the back of the train,” Norman said.

        Norman, who said he was sitting at the front of the car, saw a train employee dash past.

        “I looked up, I saw a guy carrying an AK-47, or at least I assumed it was some kind of machine gun anyway,” he said. “I ducked down in my seat.”

        When Skarlatos and his friends tackled the gunman, Norman said rapid reasoning” prompted him to jump in and help subdue the gunman.

        “My thought was, ‘OK, I’m probably going to die anyway, so let’s go.’ I’d rather die being active, trying to get him down, than simply sit in the corner and be shot. Either you sit down and you die or you get up and you die. It was really nothing more than that.”

        He said his instincts kicked in.

        “We’ve seen enough of these kinds of attacks to understand that they will kill everybody once they get started, and my point of view was, two guys had already started tackling him,” Norman said. “Maybe they needed some help. … I said to myself, maybe I have a chance if I get up and I help as well.”

        SPENCER STONE

        When the group decided to take down the gunman, Stone rushed him first, getting slashed several times with a box cutter in the process.

        “If anybody would have gotten shot, it would have been Spencer for sure, and we’re very lucky that nobody got killed, especially Spencer,” Skarlatos said.

        He tackled him and seized his weapons, including a box cutter, he said.

        “It feels pretty crazy. I never thought I’d be here,” Stone said.

        Stone suffered wounds in the head and neck, and almost had his thumb cut off.

        Despite his injuries, he helped a man who had his throat cut and applied pressure to the neck to prevent him from bleeding out, according to his friends.

        Stone, who serves in the U.S. Air Force, was hospitalized for a day. He was released Saturday.

        UNKNOWN FRENCH NATIONAL

        In addition to the four men, a French national is credited with helping avert a massacre. Authorities did not identify him.

        A “French (male) passenger tried courageously to overpower him before the suspect fired several shots,” French Interior Minister Bernard Cazeneuve said.

        “Then two American passengers intervened and managed to overpower the shooter, immobilized him on the ground and put aside his weaponry.”

        You can click the by line at the top of the article to read the rest of it.

        Let me first make a humorous observation that I’ll be unable to sleep over not making if I don’t. You know things have reached the point of intolerability and enough has in fact become too damned much when the French stop surrendering or capitulating and start fighting back.

        Secondly a very loud and proud “Ooo-Rah!” to those heroes. Yes I know, the word gets over used by the media but these 4 are legitimate heroes in the truest sense of the word cut from the same fabric as  September 11th 2001’s Flight 93 passenger Todd Beamer who with several others attempted to wrest control of Flight 93 away from the terrorist bent on (allegedly) crashing it into the White House.

        Both on Flight 93 and again aboard that Amsterdam to Paris train last Friday Americans stood up to Terrorism, to misguided Islamic Fundamentalist Zealotry bent on forcing the world to regress to the 6th Century and submit to their rule rather than give up a few outmoded ideas about women and the world. For this the French President awarded the 3 American and 1 British ExPat France’s Legion of Honor. I think the US should also have a Medal for just such heroes, those civilians who stand up and fight terrorist when they attempt their cowardly acts. I suggest it be named in some fashion for those aboard Flight 93 who attempted this on September 11th 2001 to honor them and their being the first to do so.

        Finally, Al Qaeda, the Islamic State and the rest of you goat humping sand flea infested socially regressive can’t cut it in the modern world towel heads who what to keep the eternal struggles of the Middle East going for no legitimate reason other than because you think you’ve got a good thing going on… HEAR ME!

        Americans have had enough of being threatened by you cowardly bullies! The Japanese in WWII feared invading the U.S. because of the number of civilians with guns. You had better start fearing attacking anything related to the U.S. or any mass transit form in any country anywhere that has American men on it because we are no longer willing to go silently into the night, no longer willing to turn the other cheek, we refuse to be made Sheeple by you and your no place in modern society or world beliefs that do not even begin to reflect the true tenants of Islam. We will lead and as always others will follow our lead when we rise to confront you, and that’s just our civilian populace. Our military might be stretched thin and tired of fighting a continual war on terrorism in every Middle Eastern litter box there is but that won’t stop us from coming for you. Cruise Missiles, Spy Satellites, Predator Drones, these things never tire, never stop hunting you when we set them on you. You fear them and so you rightly should for they are the extension of our will to live and remain free, unthreatened in our existence by anyone. Of our determination to have and retain the freedom of choice over our individual form of worship and our right to self government. For better than 2 centuries we have sacrificed, fought and died to preserve these things. Yes, we argue like indolent children amongst ourselves over every conceivable issue, but we also come together in unwavering and unquestioned solidarity when attacked by an enemy or a National Disaster faces us.

        The one thing we all agree on? Our hated of terrorism and terrorist, the need to stand up to them at every turn and level and never to bow down to them regardless the cost. Send us your brain washed Ayoub El Khazzani we’ll send you Drones and Cruise missiles in the dark so you too shake in fear and know terror. Oh- and unlike our four guys stopping your Ayoub El Khazzani? No four of you Jihad jerks are going to stop one of those.

        Twisted Sister – We’re not gonna take it (With Lyrics)

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        Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

        Dragon Laffs #1449

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        Good Morning Campers,

        Well, it’s that time of year again when we have to pay the bills.  The charges for the website are coming up and we’d like to kindly draw your attention to the donate button to the right of your screen. Any little bit will help and any little bit will allow you to become a patron and enjoy the perks that come along with that.

        What kind of perks, you ask?

        Well, there is the special seating down front.  Look around you.  These people in the front of the room, with the good seats, table service from our wonderful wait-staff. 

        And speaking of which, let’s give a round of applause to the wonderful men and women of FABLE.  Fairy Alcohol, Banquet and Lunch Ensemble.  Aren’t they great? Yes. 

        Thank you.

        Back to the perks… as well as being served, at your much more comfortable seat, much closer to the stage, you also get much better quality drink and food…again, thanks to FABLE.

        You get personal invitations to all the parties, bar-b-ques, orgies, camping trips, etc.  And as Lethal has so excellently shown you over the last several months, you get unlimited use of the special patron’s facilities, including and most especially the new entertainment mountain.

        And if you do use those facilities, you are likely to see any number of our staff and patrons in their swim gear.  You can even see these two (pointing to Ginny and Diaman who are, as usual, sitting beside each other, right up front) in their bikinis!  Now, I have to tell you this, and it shouldn’t come as a surprise, but I’ve seen more cloth on half a handkerchief than is what these two call swim wear.  Now, don’t be embarrassed girls, you’re both beautiful and should be proud and show off your … um … attributes.

        Yes, I know.  I’ll pay for this later.

        I can’t hardly wait!

        Anyway, please, do us a favor and donate a little bit so that we can keep up this madness that so many of us have come to rely on over the years for sanity.  Hit the donate link to the right if you’d like to use PayPal, credit card or electronic bank transfer.  If you don’t like those choices and would rather send cash or check, please write to me at ImpishDragon@gmail.com and I’ll happily supply you with Mr. Gray’s address.  For obvious ComSec reasons I can’t divulge that address in this venue.

        Okay, so lots of things to get to today, so sit back, relax, grab your coffee and …

        Let's Laugh 2

         

        With  a very seductive voice a wife asked her  husband,
        “Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”
        “No” said her husband.

        She gave him a  sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and  slowly reached down in her cleavage, created by a soft, silky, pushup bra, and, pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill. 


        He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

        She then asked, “Have  you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”

        “No, I haven’t,” he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

        She gave  him another sexy little smile, unzipped her skirt, letting It drop to the  floor and seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

        He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

        “Now,” she said, “Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”

        “No way !” he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:

        “Well then, go look in the garage.”

        She may have just gotten away with that….nah.

        1506

        Sounds like the government.  After 4 years of receiving NO annual cost of living increase, we got a 1.5% raise in January.  And they were PROUD of that!  After the cost of living went up over 4% each year, that was almost a slap in the face.

        6

        Hillary Clinton made another of her “Hard Choices” recently, and took a firm political position on ice cream:

        Reporter: “What is your favorite ice cream flavor?”
        Clinton: “I like nearly everything.”

        That prompted a round of Hillary Ice Cream Flavors…

        Crookies ‘n Cream
        Chunky Ankles
        S’more Lies
        Vast Right-wing Confectionary
        Rocky Marriage Road
        Two-Faced Toffee
        Blue Dress Mess
        Boston Cream Lie
        Shred-berry
        Pandering Pec

         
        But whatever it is, you’re not allowed to have vanilla, because that would be racist.

        1507

         

        Jean has sent us the perfect idea for any of you who own and love your pets.  What happens to your pets if you get in an accident and no one is left at home to care for them?  Just like putting your emergency information in your wallet where you know the authorities will check, how about adding one of these:
        6a

        It is an excellent idea.  Thanks, Jean!

         

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        Dragons are wonderful and beautiful people.  And I’m not just saying that because I am one.  The majesty of this green can be easily seen in the grace of his stance, the spread and regality of his wings and the treasure he has.  Ah Dragons! 

        President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
        “Hello, President Obama” a heavily accented southern voice said. “This is
        Archie, down here at Joe’s Catfish Shack, in Mobile , and I am callin’ to
        tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on y’all!”

        “Well Archie,” Barack replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is
        your army?”

         

        “Right now,” said Archie, after a moments calculation “there is myself, my
        cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from
        Hooters. That makes eight!”

         

        Barack paused. “I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my
        army waiting to move on my command.”

         

        “Wow,” said Archie. “I’ll have to call ya back!”
        Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Obama, the war is still
        on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!”

         

        “And what equipment would that be Archie?” Barack asked.

         

        “Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor.”

         

        President Obama sighed. “I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks
        and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I’ve increased my army to one
        and a half million since we last spoke.”

         

        “Lord above”, said Archie, “I’ll be getting back to ya.”

         

        Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Obama! I am sorry
        to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war.”

         

        “I’m sorry to hear that” said Barack. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

         

        Well, sir,” said Archie, “we’ve all sat ourselves down and had a long chat
        over sweet tea, and come to realize that there’s just no way we can feed
        that many prisoners.”

        1508

        You know, I’ve been accused of the same thing at my house.

         

        Now, time for some truth!
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        Amen!  In remembrance of a conversation we had at darts last night, the number of people on government support is almost equal to that of those that actually work for a living.  That means that each of us is supporting one other person.  So, since mine is the only paycheck coming into our home, I’m actually supporting six people on it.  Shouldn’t I at least get some sort of tax break for this shit?

         

        1 Just thought I’d drop in to give you some late breaking news.  This just in from our correspondent in the field.  Ms. Jean:

        Since the press is not covering it much, I’m providing you with a report from the Democrat primary race:

         -The Democrat candidate in first place is under investigation by the FBI.

        – The Democrat candidate in second place calls himself a socialist…which by the way means he is more honest than the candidate in first place.

        – The Democrat candidate in third place claims that ISIS was caused by climate change, and he apologized for saying that “all lives matter.”

        – The Democrat candidate in fourth place thinks that America should be using the Metric System.

        And this list doesn’t even include Joe Biden. I hope Biden gets into the race, we need some of his bizarre comments; we don’t have enough of that already.

         

        1509

        There is definite truth in this cartoon.  People do take themselves too seriously, which, in all essence is what Dragon Laffs and Leprechaun Laffs try to deal with every issue.  Sometimes the only way to get through the Bull Shit is to laugh about it.  Sometimes the only way to draw attention to an important issue is to poke fun.  Our goal is to make your life a little more pleasant, a little more aware and a little more easy to deal with.  Laughter and bringing things to your attention will do that.

        Won’t you help us to continue to be free?  Every dollar counts in your donation.  Hit the button in the right sidebar to help us out.

         

        Here, a wing suit flyer tries a stunt a little too difficult for him to accomplish.  Check it out on this video entitled: Wing suiter meets his Maker.

         

        I love this one…it’s so apropos:

        6d

        A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the office playing poker. “I win!” said Johnson.

        Henderson threw down his cards. “That’s it! I’ve had it! Johnson is cheating!!!”

        “How can you tell?” Phillips asked.

        “Those aren’t the cards I dealt him!”

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        A very nice pencil drawing done by one of our students.  It’s a picture of Me and Diaman.  I think she captured my inner beauty.

         

        Drunk Lethal Leprechaun: “Here’s hoping you’re in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you’re dead!”
        Drunk Impish Dragon: “What’s that mean?”
        “It’s an Irish toast.”
        “Oh. Well, here’s to bread, eggs and cinnamon.”
        “Huh?”
        “That’s French toast.”

        1510

        Another golf joke for Papa Dragon Most Senior:

        A guy and his wife are out golfing one day when they come up to the hardest hole on the course; it goes way downhill and you can’t quite see where your drive goes.
         
        So they tee off and walk down the hill and, lo and behold, this guy’s ball is right in front of a big barn. The couple looks it over, and the wife says, ‘You know, if we open both barn doors, you will have a clear shot to the green.’
         
        The guy agrees, and they open both of the doors. He hits his ball and it makes it through the first set of doors but hits the far wall and comes ricocheting back hitting his wife in the head and killing her.
         
        A few months pass and he is out golfing again with his buddies.
         
        They come up to the same hole and, wouldn’t you know it, the guy’s ball is right behind the barn again. One of his golf buddies says, ‘You know, if we open both barn doors you will have a clear shot to the green.’
         
        The guy replies, ‘Nah, last time I tried that I got a 7.’

        1511

        Pay your taxes and smile:

        Follow these proven steps.
        1. Don’t get married to her.
        2. Always use your mom’s address to get mail.
        3. The guy buys a house.
        4. Guy rents out house to his girlfriend who has 2 of his kids.
        5. Section 8 will pay $900 a month for a 3 bedroom home.
        6. Girlfriend signs up for Obamacare so guy doesn’t have to pay  for family insurance.
        7. Girlfriend gets to go to college for free being a single mother
        8. Girlfriend gets $600 a month for food stamps
        9. Girlfriend gets free cell phone
        10. Girlfriend get free utilities.
        11. Guy moves into home but continues to use moms house to get mail sent to.
        12. Girlfriend claims one kid and guy claims one kid on taxes. Now you both get to claim head of house hold at $1800 credit.
        13. Girlfriend gets disability for being “crazy” or having a “bad back” at $1800 a month and never has to work again.
        This plan is perfectly legal and is being executed now by millions of people.
        A married couple with a stay at home mom yields $0 dollars.
        An unmarried couple with stay at home mom nets.
        $21,600 disability +
        $10,800 free housing +
        $6,000 free obamacare +
        6000 free food +
        $4,800 free utilities +
        $6,000 pell grant money to spend +
        $12,000 a year in college tuition free from pell grant +
        $8,800 tax benefit for being a single mother =
        ———
        $75,000 a year in benefits
        Any idea why the country is 18 + trillion dollars  in debt?
        What? No dental plan?

        1512

        I just had to share this true story from Tom, our Great Northwest Buddy.  Here it is in his own words.  And yes, Tom.  I do believe Murphy was paying you guys a visit at the time.  But thanks for a hilarious story:

        The way things are going, one needs a little humor now and then. Lots of jokes are out there but this is a true story. It might be too long to share and it’s up to you. I think it may have something to do with Murphy’s Law;
         
        My long time friend John called me the other morning and needed help. He wanted me to replace some broken windows in his house. About a year ago he had me burglar proof his home and I must have done a good job.
        He went outside for something and the door closed behind him. It was locked and his keys were in his car in the locked garage. His phone was in the house.
        No neighbors seemed to be home so John decided to break into his own house. He tried breaking a window in the kitchen door with a rock and failed. Then he threw a concrete block at the glass patio door and it bounced off. John is 85 years old and a brain cancer survivor.
        Next he used a rock and was able to break a small window in his garden shed. He was hoping to get some tools that might help him get into the house. That also failed because he couldn’t reach in there to get anything. He used the rock and broke a window at the side of the garage. By now the temperature here was almost 100 degrees.
         
        John got the umbrella from his patio table and used it to try to fish the keys out of his car through the small garage window. It was all he had that was long enough and was working!   He hooked onto the key chain and pulled the key from the ignition. Then, the keys fell off into the back seat. FAIL!
         
        A neighbor came home and let John use her phone to call a locksmith. She gave him some ice water and fed him some cold grapes. The locksmith was there for ten minutes and charged him $140.00.
         
        I live about a half hour away from John and went there to check on the damage and measure the windows. Then I called a glass shop and ordered the correct size to replace the broken windows. One window was in a metal frame and I repaired it before I took it to my customer. It fit perfect. Then I found that I forgot to bring the glass with me for the garage window. So, I went back home to get my needed part and returned to the now called crime scene. And what happens? The guy had cut the glass wrong and it didn’t fit! After another trip to the glass shop and a tank of gas I got the windows all fixed.
        I had to ask John, “Have you ever thought of maybe hiding an extra key outside somewhere?”

        But, wouldn’t hiding a key outside kind of defeat the whole burglar proof thing?

         

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        Lethal Leprechaun drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up. He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-side-down.

        He rushes to the presbytery to fetch the priest. He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened at his place. He won’t say what it is but wants Father Flannagan to see it with his own eyes.

        He brings the priest into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

        “It’s pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”

        “No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.”

        “Well! It’s certainly a Law of the Universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people to interview you and take photos.”

        A rigorous investigation is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese but also by scientists sent from the Archbishop.

        The final ruling is negative. It read: “It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Lethal’s room, quite outside the normal run of phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations.

         
        In this case we have declared that no miracle occurred, for it possibly resulted from the Leprechaun’s having buttered the toast on the wrong side.

         

        1513

         

         

        As I was admitted to the hospital prior to a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying, “I’m going to give you a bracelet.”  
        “Has it got rubies and diamonds?” I asked coyly.
        “No,” he said. “But it costs just about as much.”

         

         

        1514

         

        6e

         

         

        1515

         

         

        Definitions of Common Tools

        SKIL SAW:
        A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

        BELT SANDER:
        An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

        WIRE WHEEL:
        Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh shit’. Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back.

        DRILL PRESS:
        A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

        Channel Locks:
        Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

        HACKSAW:
        One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

        VISE-GRIPS:
        Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

        OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
        Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

        TABLE SAW :
        A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!!

        HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK :
        Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

        BAND SAW :
        A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also excels at amputations.


        TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST :
        A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

        PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER :
        Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.


        STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER :
        A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

        PRY BAR:
        A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

        PVC PIPE CUTTER:
        A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

        HAMMER:
        Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit. Also very effective at fingernail removal.

        UTILITY KNIFE:
        Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used to initiate a trip to the emergency room so a doctor can sew up the damage.

        SON OF A BITCH TOOL:
        Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘Son of a bitch’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
        coollogo_com-252812622

        if this

        If you heard my shot

        If you heard my shot2

        If you see dots

        Ikea

        I'll get you my pretty

        A Jewish bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt.
        He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
         
        Lo and behold, that horse – a long shot – won the race.
         
        Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.
         
        The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.
         
        He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
         
        He bet big on it, and it won.
         
        As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.
         
        The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest’s blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
         
        True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
         
        The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
         
        He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn’t even finish the race.
         
        In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.
         
        Confronting him, he demanded, ‘Father! What happened?
        All day long you blessed horses and they all won.
        Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance.
        Now, thanks to you I’ve lost every cent of my savings!’.
         
        The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. “You are not Catholic are you my son?”
         
        “No, I’m Jewish”
         
        “That’s the problem”, said the Priest,
         
        “You couldn’t tell the difference between a blessing and last rites”.
        1516

         

         

        coollogo_com-72712862

        There’s a lot of talk lately about building a wall on the southern border and who’s going to pay for it and all kinds of different opinions.  Well, let me present to you an excellent essay on the history of walls and how they’ve played an important part in our world’s history.

        History of Border Walls in the U.S. and Around the World

        History of Border Walls in the U.S. and Around the World

        Much of the 3,000-mile (4,828kilometer) Great Wall of China was constructed during the Ming Dynasty (1368-1644) [see timeline of Chinese history] to prevent attacks from rival forces, although officials as early as the fifth century BCE also built sections of this and other walls.

        The Roman Empire was protected by natural barriers, including rivers in Europe and the Sahara Desert in North Africa. However, when the Roman Emperor Hadrian (76-138CE) visited Britain in 122 CE, he ordered a stone wall built to protect this more vulnerable northern boundary. Hadrian’s Wall stretched across England for over 73 miles (117 kilometers) and was as thick as 10 feet (3 meters). [See list of Roman emperors]

        During World War II, the Nazis forced hundreds of thousands of Polish Jews into a small area of Warsaw and contained them with a wall. Within the walled territory, which was known as the Warsaw Ghetto, disease, starvation, and other pitiful conditions spread. The Warsaw Ghetto became a symbol of severe repression throughout the world during the mid-twentieth century.

        The 96-mile (154-kilometer), nearly 12-foot (3.6-meter) high Berlin Wall built in 1961 by the communist German Democratic Republic (GDR) divided East Berlin from West Berlin. The wall effectively prevented most citizens in the East from defecting to the West until 1989, when the Cold War ended and the wall was demolished.

        In 1986, Congress passed, and President Reagan signed the Immigration Reform and Control Act (IRCA), granting lawful permanent residence to 2.7 million people. Instead of ending the flow of illegal immigration, it actually caused a brief spike, as family members of the newly legal residents entered the country illegally. Within a decade, the number of illegal immigrants was back to more than five million.

        In 1990, the United States constructed a 66-mile (106-kilometer) fence along the California coast from San Diego to the Pacific Ocean to deter illegal immigration. Arrests of illegal immigrants in the San Diego region declined sharply as a result of the fence, but increased nearly 600 percent in Arizona, where the number of accidental deaths also climbed as Mexicans attempted to traverse the harsh desert environment.

        In 1996, President Bill Clinton signed the Illegal Immigration Reform and Immigrant Responsibility Act. The act increased fines for illegal aliens, provided additional funding for border patrol and surveillance, and also approved the installation of an additional 14-mile (22-kilometer) fence near San Diego. Some landowners in Arizona, New Mexico, and Texas erected their own fences, often with the help of militia, but no permanent barrier had been constructed by the government in these areas until recently.

        The Secure Fence Act, signed by President George W. Bush in 2006, promised 700 miles (1,126 kilometers) of fencing along the U.S.-Mexico border; however, lawsuits and protests from citizen groups halted construction. The Sierra Club and Defenders of Wildlife filed a lawsuit challenging the ability of the Bush administration to waive important environmental regulations in order to build the wall on the San Pedro Riparian National Conservation Area in Arizona. These regulations include the Endangered Species Act, the Clean Water Act, and the Migratory Bird Treaty Act. In October 2007, a U.S. district court sided with the organizations and stopped construction.

        Many members of the Tohono O’odham Nation in Arizona also protest a section of the barrier being built on their reservation, especially since they claim they were not first consulted by the Bush administration. The Tohono O’odham have members who live on each side of the border and consider both countries their home. They value the ability to cross the border unimpeded, but also express frustration at the problems that illegal immigrants bring to their reservation. Bodies are found almost daily, as people die from exposure to the harsh desert climate or are killed by smugglers.

        A virtual wall may offer a compromise for some residents who live along the border; such a wall was among the requests put forth by Representative Raúl Grijalva (D-AZ), who introduced the Borderlands Conservation and Security Act (HR 2593) in 2007. The bill would mitigate some of problems cited by critics of the Secure Fence Act.

        Virtual walls are not without controversy. Some Americans who live in areas in which high-tech surveillance is used complain of the invasion of privacy caused by cameras and other equipment, and safety issues related to using laser, radar, and biometric technology.

        and there you have it.  How about hitting that donation button and dropping a couple of bucks our way.  You know you want to keep us on the air, so just do it. 

        Until we meet again next week.

        Cheers,

        Impish Dragon

        Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

        Leprechaun Laughs # 312 for Wednesday August 19th 2015

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        As I’m writing this mid afternoon on Monday we’re experiencing a summer cold front here finally. In Texan speak  this means we’re seeing low 90s with 50 to 60% humidity and a heat index of about 8 to 10. While still warm its better than the 110+ with the afternoon heat index we were seeing for the last 2 weeks. However the cold front also means scattered showers and T-storms are a daily occurrence most of the week. Hopefully this will relax the ground enough to avoid a repeat of the Memorial Day flooding when we get the rain forecast for Thursday when our temp dips to 89.

        After that though we’ll be right back to more of this:

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        Also as you can see I’m back from hiding from Impish, or at least Mr. Green is. Seems the Council that runs D.R.A.G.O.N. as well as Mr. Green has gotten riled up over some world event(s) they are deeming unacceptable to allow to pass without some grand gesture of (hopefully comedic) retribution on our part. More on this later however. For the moment:

        Let's Roll 26

         

        !cid_4D79377B-A55E-4B1D-B91A-B61DCE2775DE

        And the Leprechaun said…

        Let there be coffee.
        Let it be hot as Hades
        and dark as the moonless night.

        Let it revive flagging weary sprits
        and warm the cockles of the heart.

        Be it of comfort and solace
        in times of angst and quiet desperation.

        Let those whom partake choose between
        black and bitter as the heart of a scorned woman
        or as light and sweet as the smile of a lover.

        Let those of true wisdom refuse any of the impostors
        Lattes, Machacados, Americanos, Cappuccinos.

        Finally let it set those of courage, resolve
        and strength of conviction apart from the
        Starbucks and tea drinking pansies of the world.

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        Triple Digit Heat Indexes Suck!

        03fa60083aff8ea46124ccac722654db

        COME ON CHRISTMAS!

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        The Top 5 Surprising Terms of Kermit and Miss Piggy’s Divorce

        Kermit and Miss Piggy from The Muppets announced that they are getting a divorce.

        • She gets the lillypad in San Diego, while he keeps the pigsty in South Dakota.
        • Kermit’s alimony payments will be based on the monthly Iowa Pork Futures Market Report.
        • Kermit agrees to pay the outlandish fees for Miss Piggy’s personal trainer because no one knows more about pig skin fitness except Tom Brady.
        • While in public. on-record discourse regarding intimate relations, all parties are expressly forbidden from using the phrase “tastes like chicken.”

        And the Number One Surprising Term of Kermit and Miss Piggy’s Divorce…

        • Legal fees are to be paid from sponsorship revenues provided by the letters F and U and the number 86.

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        This raccoon really loves milk

         

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        Was William Shakespeare a stoner?

        By Mairi Mackay, CNN Updated 1817 GMT (0117 HKT) August 10, 2015

        London (CNN)Was playwright William Shakespeare stoned when he penned masterpieces like “Hamlet” and “A Midsummer Night’s Dream”?

        New correspondence published in the South African Journal of Science highlights how an analysis of residue found in early 17th-century tobacco pipes excavated in Stratford-upon-Avon, central England, found indications of cannabis and nicotine. The report, which was first published in 2001, said that several of the pipes came from Shakespeare’s garden.

        A kind of cocaine derived from coca leaves was also found in two samples — although neither of those were from the playwright’s property.

        The report did not claim to have proof that the Bard smoked cannabis or even that the pipes found in his garden belonged to him.

        But author Professor Francis Thackeray, from the Evolutionary Studies Institute at University of the Witwatersrand in Johannesburg, South Africa, still speculates that cannabis could have been a source of inspiration for the Bard.

          In this month’s journal, he references a line from Shakespeare’s Sonnet 76 that mentions “invention in a noted weed.”

          He told CNN via email Monday: “I think that Shakespeare was playing with words and (it) is probably a cryptic reference to cannabis.”

          Shakespeare could have enjoyed “the noted weed” for creative writing because it had mind-stimulating properties, he added.

          If true, Shakespeare would join a long and illustrious list of writers from Byron to Hunter S. Thompson who have been inspired by drugs.

          The study included 24 pipe fragments: cannabis was indicated in eight samples — four of which came from Shakespeare’s garden — nicotine in one sample, and “definite evidence” for Peruvian cocaine from coca leaves in two samples.

          ‘Compounds strange’

          In Shakespeare’s time, various plants were smoked in clay pipes.

          In 1597, the botanist John Gerard described a number of different kinds of tobacco in “Herbal,” a botanical encyclopedia.

          References include the tobacco plant, nicotania, which the explorer Sir Walter Raleigh is credited with bringing to England from Virginia.

          The encyclopedia also describe a special kind of tobacco from Peru — “the henbane of Peru” — which is likely to be cocaine derived from smoking coca leaves, according to Thackeray.

          Another explorer, Sir Francis Drake could have brought coca leaves to England after visiting Peru in 1597, notes the botanical encyclopedia.

          Shakespeare additionally wrote about “compounds strange,” in Sonnet 76, which may have been a reference to cocaine, said Thackeray in his email to CNN.

          Cannabis had been condemned by the church before Shakespeare’s time. “Writers who were explicit about Cannabis could have their books burnt,” Thackeray added.

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          http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ina-garten/mocha-chocolate-icebox-cake.html

          Asian coleslaw

          Makes 4 servings

          It’s best to prepare this salad in advance because the ingredients soften slightly and the flavors nicely blend when it is refrigerated for about an hour. For non-vegetarians, omit the soy nuts and serve the coleslaw as a summer accompaniment to grilled fish.

          For the Dressing

          ¼ cup fresh orange juice
          2 tablespoons fresh lime juice
          2 tablespoons dark (Asian) sesame oil
          1 tablespoon soy sauce
          1 tablespoon honey
          2 teaspoons finely chopped fresh ginger
          ½ teaspoon Tabasco sauce, or to taste
          1/8 teaspoon pepper, or to taste

          For the Coleslaw

          6 cups coleslaw
          ½ red bell pepper, cut into ¼-inch strips
          ½ green bell pepper, cut into ¼-inch strips
          ½ cup red onion in ¼-inch strips
          4 green onions, thinly sliced
          ½ cup roasted, salted soy nuts

          Directions

          Whisk together the dressing ingredients in a medium bowl.
          Add the slaw ingredients and toss until evenly combined.

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          Navy: No Charges Against Officer for Weapons Violations in Attack

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          Stars and Stripes | Aug 06, 2015 | by By Tara Copp

          WASHINGTON — Lt. Cmdr. Tim White, the Navy officer who fired a sidearm in defense during the attack on Navy Operational Support Center in Chattanooga, Tenn., will not face charges, an official familiar with the investigation told Stars and Stripes on Wednesday.

          White was reported to be one of two service members carrying sidearms at the time of the attack, which could have led to charges. The Department of Defense prohibits all military personnel other than security forces from carrying arms while on base unless they are in a combat zone.

          The Navy is still investigating the shooting, where a lone gunman attacked two separate military facilities. The shootings resulted in the deaths of four Marines and one sailor.

          Last week, the Navy countered reports that White would be charged, which spurred a national backlash. “At this time we can confirm no service member has been charged with an offense,” the Navy said in a statement.

          It also faced a backlash over why troops at “soft” military targets such as recruiting centers — which are often in easy-to-reach places like shopping malls — were not allowed to carry weapons, and Secretary of Defense Ash Carter directed a review to determine how security at these types of facilities could be improved.

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          News of the Weird

          Man hates Obama, loves stealing vibrators.

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          An Illinois man has been arrested following an incident in which he tried to steal a vibrator from a sex shop, and, when confronted, tried to blame it all on President Obama.

          According to Orland Park Patch, it was just another day at the Lover’s Lane sex shop when an employee noticed “a man walking around the store with a vibrator stuffed down his pants.” (It’s not known at this time whether the vibrator was switched on.) The employee called the cops, who arrived to find him leaving “with a large bulge in his pants.”

          When the cops asked what he was packing in there, the man — later identified as Christopher Hucko, 44 — replied obscenely, or at least that’s what one might assume from the fact that much of his reply is “blacked out” in the police report. What’s not blacked out is that Hucko stated “he had a tattoo of a cherry on his penis and asked me if I wanted to see it.”

          When the cops searched him and found the stolen goods, he feigned surprise that his pants contained anything but a tattooed dick.

          From Patch:

          The officer “searched the front of (Hucko’s) pants and under his boxers was a pink ‘G-Spot Delight’ vibrator, which I then removed,” the report said. “I asked Christopher how that got there, to which he replied that he had no idea.”

          But it was not until police arrested him and took him to jail that his full motives began to emerge. What seemed like a petty marital aid theft was actually an act of civil disobedience against the forces of bourgeois democracy as symbolized by our oligarchy’s current figurehead:

          “While in the cell, Christopher stripped completely naked and would not put his clothes back on,” police said. He reportedly agreed to speak to officers without a lawyer present but merely “proceeded to make comments about his political views and derogatory comments about President Obama.”

          When he was asked to sign a form, police said, Hucko put “his name as ‘Obama is a criminal.’”

          Makes you wonder what it really was they blacked out in that police report. Wake up, people.

          Man has flashlight-like object surgically removed from ass after karaoke bar argument.

          image

          A man with the surname Cai checked into the First Affiliated Hospital of Guangzhou’s University of Chinese Medicine in, you guessed it, Guangzhou had an object resembling a flashlight jammed so far up his ass that it required extensive surgery to get it out.

          According to Shanghaiist, the object was inserted so deeply that doctors couldn’t just pull it out. They had to surgically remove it through Cai’s abdomen.

          Yikes!

          “He is in stable condition and will remain in observation for two days to monitor for intestinal bleeding,” Sun Feng, Cai’s attending doctor, told Global Times. “In the past 10 years, the last time I saw such a large object stuck in an anus was a cucumber, in a chef’s anus.”

          Good to know.

          The object is about 10 inches long with a near inch radius. The Global Times reported that the object may have found its way up Cai’s ass during a family dispute at a karaoke bar. However, Cai isn’t saying shit one way or another.

          Hey, we’ve all gotten mad when our song got skipped at karaoke.

          Ted Cruz to give ‘courage’ award to man who gave adopted daughters to molester because ‘demons’

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          Anti-choicers are a curious bunch. They’re gravely concerned for the well-being of fetuses when they’re just clumps of cells clinging to the wall of a uterus, yet as soon as they’re out of the womb, they can go fuck themselves. Oh, did you want to eat lunch at school today? Get a damn job, etc.

          The latest example of this phenomenon is the curious case of Ted Cruz and Arkansas state rep Justin Harris. Cruz plans to present Harris and another state rep, Charlene Fite, the Family Council’s “courage award” for their work on legislation that breaks down that pesky wall between church and state and protects “life” by forcing women to carry pregnancies to term against their will. (Note: This group also fights to legally suppress the rights of LGBT people, because of course it does.) Via the Arkansas Times:

          The group’s press release say Fite and Harris “demonstrated courage by standing strong in faith when situations were tough at the State Capitol and they did so with grace. They are consistently models of their Christian values in their homes, their communities, and their churches.” It commends the two lawmakers for their work on legislation regarding abortion.

          In addition to violating the human rights of women, Harris was recently embroiled in controversy after he “re-homed” two of his adopted daughters with Eric Cameron Francis, a man who ended up sexually abusing one of them, after Harris and his wife grew convinced that they were possessed by demons. This happened after he put pressure on the DHS to let him adopt them in the first place.

          The Arkansas Times has a long, detailed, and disturbing report about it, but basically, Harris and his cuckoo bird of a wife adopted three little girls who’d already suffered childhood sexual abuse. They did this despite being advised they weren’t equipped to handle kids with these kinds of problems. Witnesses like the Harrises’ babysitter told the paper that the Harrises began behaving abusively towards the girls after they became convinced that they were possessed by demons, locking one of the girls in her room nearly all the time and watching her with on a closed-circuit camera. They even allegedly hired an exorcist to try to cast their demons out. (The Harrises deny this.) They also accused one of the girls of killing a guinea pig, an accusation others dispute.

          When they got sick of trying to cure these traumatized kids’ problems via hocus pocus, they handed them off informally to Eric and Stacey Francis. How courageous. (Fun fact: You can’t even adopt a cat from most shelters without signing a form saying you won’t do this.) Their new dad ended up raping one of the girls and is now in prison for his crime. This directly inspired Arkansas lawmakers to make a law turning that type of unsupervised “re-homing” into a felony. There have been many calls for Harris’ resignation.

          When asked if he had any reservations about giving the award to Harris, Cruz replied, “None whatsoever, because the award is specifically for his sponsorship of one of the pro-life bills passed during the session … These awards are given to lawmakers for their sponsorship of specific legislation. That’s it.”

          The girls have all since been adopted by people who believe in modern therapeutic techniques and are reportedly doing much better.

           

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          Donald Trump & Tomi Lahren: 2 Blondes with a Tan, Ready to Tell it Like it is!

           

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          As I mentioned last week, it’s not just Black lives that matter but all lives contrary to the racist attitude of those who protest the deaths of Black criminals at the hands of police whom they are attacking threatening or otherwise disobeying and causing to fear for their lives. Now the police of one Texas town have gone viral in their attempt to make this very point.

          ‘Lives Matter’ message from Texas police officers going viral

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          Trinity Police Department/Facebook

          TRINITY, Texas –

          A photo of two Texas police officers is going viral.

          The Trinity Police Department posted a photo on its Facebook page of Chief Steven Jones and Officer Donald Givens with “His Life Matters” written on their hands with the hashtag #AllLivesMatter.

          According to a Trinity TV station, the image was first shared on May 6, but it didn’t gain traction online until the American Conservatives of Color shared it on Monday.

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          Mrs. Dragon you have my deepest sympathies for Cupid being such an asshat.

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          Since not all of you are enjoying Impish and my shared delusional story I have elected to move it in my issues to after my closing graphic where you may choose to skip it easily without it impeding your enjoyment of the issue. I feel certain that Impish will adopt this idea as well since it currently represents the best of all the possible options we have come up with &/or discussed so far.

           

          Agent 44DD

          As Impish was ruminating on his on the unfairness of an easily aroused, wanton and eager virgin that his health insurance didn’t cover the damage he’d receive from partaking of his increasing grump thoughts are suddenly irrupted by a tingling in places he’s unaccustomed to feeling a tingle in- his earlobes.

          This sensation abruptly ceases and is replaced by a well modulated voice.
          Net Call! Net Call! Priority Message follows: All currently unassigned field agents are to report   to D.R.A.G.O.N. HQ with all assigned gear, weapons and specialized transportation immediately! This is not a drill! All training, leaves and specialized schooling is hereby canceled for the duration of this emergency. Any agent unable to report within 4 hours should call control with your eta. Message ends.”

          Impish stands unmoving and mouth agape shocked by what he’s just heard when he feels a much more pronounced tingle in his earlobes bordering on a shock followed by the gruff words of Mr. Red “Don’t stand there with your mouth open like a Gecko waiting to catch a fly, like the man said, grab your gear and haul tail”

          “Umm there’s a problem with that Mr. Red.”

          “Well since I’m currently the entire P.I.T. Resolution Department, I guess you’d better tell me what it is. Possibly the lingering effects from all those impacts to your head today making you unable to fly?”

          “No sir I’ve suffered worse face planting on landings. I’m ahh…not sure where the vehicle that’s supposed to be assigned to me is exactly. She umm…sort of drove off on her own maybe a week ago. I figured Mr. Green had her doing something or being outfitted with some new gadget so I didn’t really make a big deal of it.”

          “You mean you were so busy… screwing off and shirking your duties… that you didn’t notice and when you did you figured you’d get a tail’s worth of butt chewing for not noticing sooner.”

          “I uhh… that is…it’s not like I used or saw her everyday. I mean it she doesn’t exactly blend in!”

          “Stow it. Someone will address that with you later rest assured. As for right now, why aren’t you waddling anyplace and top jiggle still ?”

          Impish realizes with a start that somehow Mr. Red is able to discern his movements from a distance, or in this case lack of any.
          “Uh moving now sir, but there is a second problem, I’m not sure where the HQ is anymore. I mean I know where I met Mr. Green several times but when I went looking for him, ah to discuss important business there, the entrance to the cavern is no longer there”

          “You’re transportation will know where it’s going, C2B2 is 5 minutes out from your location and will take 10 minutes to turn around and full arm in her garage bay. Should you become separated from her on the way here, call in for steering cues and navigation information will be supplied via your earrings.”

          “Understood. Blue out.”

          “One more thing Blue, I’ve been handed a note from Green to caution you against stowaway passengers. The message specifically reads ‘No incidents of stowaway passengers like last time will be tolerated. Suggest if the problem presents itself you use pocket 4 of your vest, specifically the tube with the green and yellow cap but make sure not to get any on your vest or self.”

          “Uhh…ok?”

          “Don’t worry its non lethal and not even really incapacitating really. Probably actually make you some brownie points with the Ninja Cat Clan if you’re forced to use it. However if you hurry they are all probably still sleeping off their sardine feast and you can avoid any sort of issues which might futher delay you all togeather so put a wiggle in it Jello Butt. Red out.”

          Impish shuffles at maximum waddle into his outer office rushing past November who seems to be excitedly riding something that looks like a saddle that’s buzzing behind Terrance’s desk heading right into his office.

          “Mr. Dragon wait! Your messages! I really need to discuss some things with you…maybe we could have a dictation session?”

          “Uhh… well (Impish swallows suddenly as an image of a very angry Friday and her electric axe pop into his head) Sorry November all that is going to have to wait.I..uhh…had a brilliant idea for my next issue…killer stuff and I need to get it all down before I forget. No interruptions whatsoever, especially not from any of the Ninja Cats. Clear? In fact just keep doing what ever you’re currently doing then take the rest of the day off when you’re finish or exhausted or sated whichever cums..ahh happens first ok? Gotta go!”

          November who seems to be now breathing in little gasps and having some difficulty concentrating barely manages to get out
          “Ah! Ah! Yes Sir. OH GOD YESSS! Thhhank you sir!” Before Impish slams and locks his door.

          Inside He hastily dons his vest, starting towards his private exit before stopping. “No she might hear me leave and try to catch me before I can catch an elevator or I might run into Brutus, Chai or SC. They see my vest they’re going to know something’s a foot. Best I take my emergency exit.”

          Impish touches one of the pockets high on the front of his vest, the patio’s French doors swing open and a section of marble railing retracts to ground level. Impish walks up to the edge and before stepping off into mid air says “Subbasement 2 Garage level please!” then plummets from sight as the railing returns to normal height as the patio doors close and lock themselves.

          The doors are no sooner closed than they reopen then Big Blue lands on the patio mumbling to himself “Wow that was close! Almost forgot the Sonombulizer. I’m already under enough scrutiny and apparently pushed my luck just about as far as I dare with that little green Napoleon- don’t need him to make me look stupid in front of all of D.R.A.G.O.N. too!

          He hastily opens a desk drawer with his tongue print, grabs the weapon, secures it inside his vest, steps back onto the patio,  and proceeds to again jump over the edge as the Patio doors close. Instead of the traditional ‘Geerronamo!’ You hear ‘Obama’s approval raaaatttiiing!’ as he plummets downwards.

          Moments later he wings his way (literally) into C2B2’s garage where she is busily being attended to behind a pair of large dressing screen by at least 2 mechanics and several ordinance handlers. A grizzled barrel of a man with a cork clamped between his teeth where a cigar would be looks up from his clipboard, scowls at Big Blue and pointing at him sounds off like a Drill Sargent at a recruit. You! Not even a smoke tendril out of you got it? This stuff is supposed to be failsafe and fool proof but my money is on fools like you finding new ways to make bad things happen. Stand there w/o your trap shut and don’t move. She’ll be dressed and decked out with the whole 9 yards in 5 more minutes. We’re having issues with Ninja Cats trying to hide in her weapons bays. You think them fish breathed furballs knew something big was up. We sent for some vinegar to spray them down with to keep them out.”

          Impish says nothing but reaches into his vest coming out with one of Lethal’s cigars and the vial Mr. Green had Mr. Red suggest to him. Saying nothing he extends them to the grizzled supervisor who grunts, unwraps the cigar clamping it in the corner of his mouth in place of the cork saying “Dis I know what to do with but what do I do wid but what’s dis other stuff? I ain’t no stoner! Can’t be around no ordinance and be a stoner Really fast recipe for serious unpleasantness dat is!”

          Impish casually says “ No you ain’t a stoner, but them cats are…or will be soon. Just put an empty box on one of those ordinance wagons, then have someone open the cargo elevator door and stand ready. You pop the top off that vial- don’t spill any, and toss it in the box. When the box is full of cats you shove it on the elevator. Have the standing by guy ready to press 8 and shut to door fast as he can.”

          Old grizzly look at Impish for a minute blinking, suddenly he breaks into a grin of comprehension and shouts out the appropriate instructions. Thirty seconds later, amidst much laughter, the loud angry indignant protestation of several Ninja Cats can be heard receding as the elevator rises with them inside it on the way to the office level. Impish texts Friday & No-name alerting them to the impending arrival of a box load of catnipped up Ninja kitties.

          Moments after Chitty Chitty Bang Bang emerges from behind the dressing screens. “So sorry to have kept you waiting, but I do believe whom ever said I could be ready in 10 minutes has never had to wait on a woman getting ready in their life. Shall we Mr. Blue? I do believe we’re under a bit of a deadline and my past experience tells me if we want a position near the front of the pack we should make a good showing of our travel time.”

          Big Blue gets the ordinance handlers to help him remove, carefully fold and securely stow his vest as well as the Sonombulizer as he transforms back into his Impish form and climbs aboard sitting in the back seat of C2B2.

          “I like a man who is secure enough in his manhood to allow a woman to drive!”

          “Actually I’m planning on stretching out for a nap. I’ve had a long hard day already and a bit of a headache. Besides you supposedly already know where we are going, I don’t and I hate asking for directions so let’s be off. Like you said tick tock and all that.”

          Blue manages a decent two hour nap for being in a car and airborne. He wakes feeling refreshed and thirsty. As he kneels on the rear seat reaching for the tailgate hamper on Chitty’s rear bumper he calls over his shoulder “Hey Bang-bang Baby! Are we dere yet? How much longer?”  With a deliberate lurch that forces Mr. Blue to sit rather awkwardly to avoid falling out all together, C2B2 rather venomously responds, “I’ve told you before,  it’s C2B2 to you or Miss Chitty or Ma’am you blue winged snake with legs.”

          Manners. Maketh. Man. You’d do well to remember that, especially around me Agent 44DD!

          Should I remind you that I didn’t come equipped with seatbelts? Or perhaps you’d prefer a practical demonstration? It would save both D.R.A.G.O.N and you the embarrassment of your being captured and tortured by those manner-less, morally deficient, heathens from ISIS before they beheaded you.”

          “Tortured and beheaded? By ISIS? Where did that threat come from? You harboring sympathies D.R.A.GO.N. missed?”

          “You don’t know? Those Islamic Sheetheaded Inbred Sociopaths (ISIS acronym’s real meaning) have  really gone overboard and gotten totally out of hand in the last week. Their Hackers Division outed the Names, identities and personal info including addresses and phone numbers of over 1400 US Military personnel and their families plus the names of all the employees of the New York & New Jersey Port Authorities and  hung targets on their backs by calling for their followers in all countries to act on and kill those named.

          They’ve started taking a page from Saddam’s son Chemical Ali’s play book as well. They’ve recently gassed noncombatant Kurds on at least two separate occasions using Chlorine and Mustard gas.”

          “Wow! That put those Kurds…in a bad whey doesn’t it.? HEY! Whaat the….. HOLY SHIT!!!! CHITTTYYY!”

          C2B2’s snap barrel roll in response to Blue’s extremely poor taste pun momentarily has him doing an upside-down handstand over the skies of the Dakota Badlands. “I warned you about my lack of seat belts and that pun was not only bad, but in poor taste even for you. You should have been ashamed that you even thought of it but I knew you wouldn’t be.”

          “I’m sorry ok? It’s been a hell of a day so far. I’ve had a no notice visitation from a Demon Prince who screwed the barrel of a cannon into my nose to gain my compliance with liberties to be taken upon my person, I’m nervous about what we’re getting into as this is my first Net Call – Report to HQ fully geared up since I joined D.R.A.G.O.N. and I don’t know what to expect. When I’m scared and/or nervous I try for a little levity usually with a couple puns to break the tension ok?”

          “Got it all out of your system now?”

          “Yes ma’am!”

          “Good because there is no humor in going to war with morally bankrupt sociopathic fundamentalist zealots bent of dragging the world back into their vision of the 6th century. Now keep your mouth shut while you think on that for a few minutes. Meanwhile I’ll concentrate on trying to thread the curving needle that is the iris of Teddy Roosevelt’s right eye at high speed in the dark without turning us into a Jackson Pollack wabbe be along the tunnel’s walls.”

          “Ulp! you mean we’re going to….”

          “Nope I mean we are about to right now because we’re here. Now please cross your fingers toes wings and forked tongue. Oh yeah you might also want to duck pretty low as there isn’t a lot of room in these tunnels but most of all just SHUT UP!”

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