Dragon Laffs #2108

It’s Saturday, and while you are reading this, I’m busy teaching CBRN Defense Training.  It’s one of my favorite things to do for work.  Although it’s getting harder and harder to do as I get older, it’s still a lot of fun to do.  Here’s kind of what it looks like…

Great fun.  Especially when I’m not the one who has to get dressed out in MOPP gear.  LOL!

A N Y W A Y …

There is a world of fun to be had in today’s issue.  Now, truth in advertising, I haven’t put any of that fun IN today’s issue as of this moment, but I just KNOW that by the time you get to it, FUN WILL BE FOUND.  Yes indeed it will. 

So, if you will all accompany me and walk this way and enter through this door, we can begin.

10 Things Men Know about Women:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They Have Breasts.

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London, and was in a hurry. 

As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412 

The Texan replied, “Shoot, a little ol’ tower like that? In Houston we’d have that thing up in two weeks!” 

House of Parliament next – Started construction in 1544,completed 1618. 

Heck boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!” 

As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabby was silent. “Whoah! What’s that over there?” 

Darned if I know, wasn’t there yesterday…”

And I’ll bet there are those of you out there who have no idea what this is in reference to.

We got lucky when we heard the old Piedmont Hotel in Atlanta was getting a face-lift and its beautiful maple doors became available for sale as salvage items. 

We bought several and had them installed in our 19th-century home. 

Showing a friend around the house, I pointed out, “You know, these doors are from the Piedmont Hotel.” 

He raised an eyebrow. “Most people just take towels.”

Our underground passages and escape routes are protected by the very best.

When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.

When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.

When we die, our widows get the life insurance.

So, as guys, what do we want?  When we’re born, you want your crotch patted?  When we get married, you want to be complimented on … what?  How handsome you are?  Or how beautiful your wife is that YOU picked out or that picked YOU out?  And when we die … who gives a damn what happens here on earth, after we’re gone?

During the wedding reception in the family’s southern mansion, the bride’s Granddaddy slipped her five $100 bills and told her that it was for her and to keep it for “mad money, so she stuffed them in her gloves 

By family tradition, the couple spent their first night together in their historic plantation house. 

Later that night, after all the guests had left, the bride’s Grandmother saw her sneaking down the stairs , and asked where she was going. 

“I left my gloves in the library, Grand-MaMa, and it’s important that I have them.” 

“Oh you youngsters!” the Grandmother sighed. “You march yourself right back upstairs and grab hold of that damm thing with your bare hands just like I did your Grandfather’s.” 

Holiday Diet Tips

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out

3. If you eat standing up, it doesn’t count!

4. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backwards

5. If you eat the food off someone else’s plate, it doesn’t count

6, Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage cause calorie leakage

7. Food used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes: any chocolate used for energy, brandy, cheesecake, and Haagen-Daz Ice Cream

8. When eating with someone else, calories don’t count if you both eat the same amount

9. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one’s personal fuel.  This includes Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.

We use “Little Red” messenger service for most of our messenger service needs.

You may have noticed I have already started putting Christmas memes and cartoons in my issue.  That’s because I have SO MANY of them it will probably take me the entire month of December to get through them all!  So, you guys get to enjoy them (and steal them) for the entire month.  I hope you enjoy them!

Tombstone

Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake.

After a very long day of listening to a visiting businessman from Texas brag about his state a New Yorker decided to show the guy the Empire State Building.

When the Texan then put down New York’s well-known landmark by saying “Heck, that’s nothing. In Texas, we have outhouses bigger than that!”

The New Yorker responded with, “Well you no doubt need them!”

There is a pier in San Francisco upon which sits a large statue of gorilla named Dotty who lived at the SF zoo for many years. 

Dotty is not relevant to the story, except that she was loved by all who knew her.  

Anyroad, every year there was a festival held on the pier at which one could buy all manner of fried foods and see some local San Franners doing comedy skits and the like. 

Since the comedy was pretty bad but the food was pretty good, it quickly became tradition to hit all the of food stands hard and fast then melt away before being exposed to too much bad comedy. 

Naturally, this annual event became known as the Gorilla Wharf Fair. 

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.

After following along for a while, turns to her and asks, “Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?”

“NO!” says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, “Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back.”

“NO!” says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.

The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, “Okay kid, my last offer! I’ll give you 20 Bucks “and” a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride.”

Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out… “Look Dad” “You’re the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley… YOU RIDE IT!!”…….

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, “Why would anyone want to go there. It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!” “United!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.” “That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”

We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope. “That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it!”

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. “It was wonderful,” explained the man. “Not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful young stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They were overbooked too, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,”muttered the barber. “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.” “Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke to me.”

“What did he say?”

“He said, ‘Where’d you get the shitty haircut ?”

As a student driver in Philadelphia, I was taking the road test for my driver’s license. When someone cut me off, I held my temper so I wouldn’t look out of control. “You have a lot to learn,” said the inspector.

At a red light, the car behind tapped my bumper. I remained calm while the inspector shook his head. When the light turned, I accelerated, but the car behind sped up and cut me off. That did it! I hit the horn as hard as I could.

The inspector turned to me, smiled and said, “Now you’re getting the hang of it.”

“Oh, No!” he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know.

He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.

Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly.

“Danny! Danny!” he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten.

He couldn’t understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.

In desperation, he took another step then cried out, “Danny!”

From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. “Yes, Dad,” he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

“It’s time to get up and get ready for school,” the man sighed, “and, for heaven’s sake, clean up this room!”

A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang.

In going to answer it, she tripped on a rug, grabbed for something to hold on to and seized the telephone table.

It fell over with a crash, jarring the receiver off the hook. As it fell, it hit the family dog, who leaped up, howling and barking.

The woman’s three-year-old son, startled by this noise, broke into loud screams. The woman mumbled some colorful words.

She finally managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in time to hear her husband’s voice on the other end say, “Nobody’s said hello yet, but I’m positive I have the right number.”

This is a GREAT story that I HAD to include!!!!  Thanks Joe!!

In a spy novel I had just read, the hero hid a letter in a particular statue in London 

Since I was in that city at the time, on a whim I decided to see if the statue really contained the small niche the author had described.  

To my great surprise, it did — and a cellophane-wrapped  letter was inside. 

After a moment’s hesitation, I pulled out the letter, opened it, and burst into laughter. 

An unidentified reader had penned, “Good book, wasn’t it?”

So, we come to an end of another issue, but before we go, I’d like to show you a meme that really resonated with me.  I got this the other day from one of our dear campers.  As you may have picked up on, this is a rough time of year for your dear camp counselor … camp leader … ME! … Impish Dragon, I’m talking about me.

People ask me how I’m doing and I say, “Yeah, I’m okay.”  This is what it really means.  And I added a little bit to the meme to make it a little clearer.  I’m here and I am functioning, everything is working the way it’s supposed to work … but … 

So, that’s that.  Until we meet again.  I hope to have an episode prepared for Monday, but since this is a UTA weekend, don’t be worried if there isn’t one, it’s because I’m working killer hours this weekend and teaching three full classes this Saturday and Sunday.  All is well.  So, until next time.  May Love and Happiness bless your lives.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Dragon Laffs #2107

Okay, so I’m stuck on crying dragons.  Hopefully this will be a much happier lead-in than the last several have been.  Aren’t you guys getting a little tired of the moroseness that’s been hanging around here lately?  I know that I have.  Let’s get some happiness going here, huh!

Oh Amen to that!  Dad says, “Why are you late?”  
Work ran over and …
“Why are your eyes so red?”
“Um..it was the … um … 
“Come over here and let me smell your breath!”
BUSTED!!

“Remember that guy who overdosed on pot?”  ~ Said no one ever.

Overdosed?  No!

There is truth in there.  If that is what your wife needs/wants then he is absolutely right.  For my Mary, it would have been a Heath candy bar.  And yes, that would have definitely been step one in foreplay.

Phobias may be memories passed down through generations in DNA, according to a new research.

So, if I’m afraid of …say … giant spiders, it might be because it’s preprogramed in my DNA?  Or heights, or dogs, or … that’s wild.

That’s kind of a good point…

Wanna bet when he gets home he blames it on the Pizza place?

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural road. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the sheriff’s office and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.”
“What do you want me to do?” asked the sheriff.
“I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!” So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW–SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, “You’ve got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster.”
Again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, “Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?” The sheriff told him, “Sure thing, put up your own sign.” He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. “How’s the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?”
“Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I’ve got to go. I’m very busy.” He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, “I’d better go out there and take a look at that sign. It might be something that we could use to slow down drivers.” The sheriff drove out to Farmer John’s house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS

“Get back here, lunch!”

If there is ever a slight chance at getting something that will make you happy, risk it.  Life is too short and happiness is too rare.

You KNOW if that is his wife the beating he got when she saw that picture, right?  And you KNOW she saw it, because he’s enough of an idiot that he HAD to show it to her.

Not to brag, but most of my family isn’t speaking to me.

Many people would be scared if they saw in the mirror, not their faces — but their character.

And he would have done it again.  Because he was a Veteran…a service member of the United States.  And that is what you do for a fellow service member.

WHERE     IS     MY     DRAGON’S     LUNCH!?!?

Boy, isn’t that the truth!

The following manuscript, dated 2000+ years ago, was discovered and is presented here, in its entirety:  

Setting: Athens, inside a tailor shop. The customer is holding a garment. The tailor speaks first.

“Euripides?”

“Yes. Eumenides?”

Finis

Mail Call

We haven’t done this for a while, so let’s dip into the comments section and see what out fellow campers have to say and maybe offer a little advice or some comments back…let’s see.

Cornelious
18 hours ago

Electric car. Thanks to the retarded sheep that voted for them.

I’m with you 100%, Cornelious.  No matter how many  times we point out the facts that electric cars are nothing more than a gimmick, that they don’t save any money, that they aren’t any better for the environment, that they burn MORE carbon based fuel per mile than the average gas powered vehicle, despite ALL of that, the “retarded sheep” as you say keep voting for the people who want to see them on the roads.  California, of course, being the worst of the bunch.

Helen
14 hours ago

This is a hard time of the yr for me also , my husband passed in June. He was diagnosed with leukemia just before Thanksgiving. It’s really hard when half of yourself is missing and you’re figuring out how to go on. The grief hit me again just as hard as when he passed.

I understand completely, Helen.  As I’m sure you’ve read, this has been a very hard time for me as well.  Definitely not looking forward to Christmas, since it was the day after that my Mary went into hospital for the first time…but we, the both of us, will get through this.  Especially with the love and support of our fellow campers.  

Leah D
3 days ago

Have you ever had a special spot you felt like was yours alone. Somewhere you can get away from it all for a little while, enough to put the stiff in your backbone and carry on?
Dragon Laffs has always been that for me.
Thankful for you preserving, through all your toil and trouble.

Thank you Leah, that means an awful lot to me.  Truly.  Dragon Laffs is a bit of a refuge for me as well.  A place for me to laugh and to get out some of my thoughts and ideas amongst friends.

Sex-Ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching Peppa Pig.



A local farmer has successfully grown a field of vibrators. 

Unfortunately he now has a problem with squatters.

Snaccident:  n.  1.  Eating an entire bag/box of something by mistake.

ENGLISH LESSON

Tsunami ……………….. T is silent
Honest ……………….. H is silent
Psychology ……………….. P is silent
Knife ……………….. K is silent
Wife ……………….. Husband is silent

CLASS DISMISSED

Gonna have to use this squirrel for more…

I was at the shopping center and saw a woman dressed like Snow White.  She was the fairest of the mall.

A man walks into a bar with a small newt on his shoulder.  

The bartender says, “What an interesting pet.  What’s his name?” 

“Tiny,” the man replies.

“What an odd name!  Why do you call him Tiny?”

“Because he’s my newt…”

I’ve just been to the gym.  They’ve got a new machine in.  I only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick.  It’s great though.  It does everything — KtKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Chips, the whole lot.

I’m not a saying I’m a bad cook but my doctor told me to start eating out.

And that’s it for today my friends.  I hope you managed to laugh your way through the issue and at least part of the day.  May you be blessed with Love and Happiness.

Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments

Dragon Laffs #2106

Well Saturday I went out and spent a good part of the day with Mary’s family at a sort of Thanksgiving Day celebration kind of thing.  It was the first time I had been with any of them in person since Mary had passed away.

It was a hard day.

Everyone was very nice to me and very kind.  Everyone spoke to me and included me, which was very nice and I’m quite sure as difficult for them as it was for me.  I’m very sure I was a very large reminder for them of their missing sister.

It was a hard day.

Everyone commented on my very obvious weight loss.  They were quite complimentary until they found out how I lost the weight and the fact that my doctor had to threaten me with hospitalization and force feeding me if I didn’t stop it.  I told them I was trying to eat better.  I think I am, but I’m not really sure…lately.  When I get depressed, like I am now, I don’t want to eat because it makes me feel sick.  I’m trying to forget what time of year it is.  I just want this time to go by.  And it just seems to not want to.  

I made Lasagna Bob and had a piece of that to eat and a coconut macaroon and a molasses bar.  Oh, and a roll.  One of the best Lasagnas I’ve made in a LONG time.  2 meat, 5 cheese.  Probably weighed over 10 lbs.  One of my favorite foods in the whole world and I make one of the world’s best.  https://www.epicurean.com/articles/lasagna-bob.html  And yet I’m sitting here now, feeling sick to my stomach.

It’s been a hard day.

So, we going to put this day behind us and we’re going together let laughter cure our aching hearts.  So, any of you out there who need this like I need this, this is for you today.

A well dressed businessman got into a Manhattan cab and asked to be taken to LaGuardia airport.

While stuck in the traffic jam, the businessman leaned forward and said to the cabbie, “How’s your spirit of adventure?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I have to be in Chicago for a meeting tomorrow, but the thought of flying there just bores me to tears. Why not drive me there? The meeting will last only an hour. I’ll pay the gas, tolls, your hotel room, meals, and then you can drive me back tomorrow.”

The driver said, “Sure, why not?” and off they went.

They motored through Jersey, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, and finally into Chicago. The businessman did his meeting (while the cabbie waited) came out, got back into the cab and they took off to the hotel. They shared a huge meal, the businessman paid for two rooms.

The next morning, they took off back towards Manhattan. When they arrived, the meter read $4,632.85.

When they got back to the businessman’s office in Manhattan, the man told the cabbie, “Let me go in the bank here and I’ll get you a certified check. I’ll make it for $5000 so you’ll get a sizable tip for your service”.

“Great,” the cab driver said, “Thanks.”

“One last thing. When I give you the check, I’d like you to drive me home, please. I’m dead tired .”

“Where do you live ?”

“Brooklyn.”

“No way mister !!! I’d have to drive back over the Brooklyn Bridge empty… without a passenger!”

I went for Chinese last night and got chatting to the waiter.  He told me he lived in Japan during the war and was a kamikaze pilot and his code name was “Chow Mein”. 

I said, “Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t kamikaze pilots sacrifice their own lives?”

To which he replied, “Yes, but I was Chicken Chow Mein.” …

George: “I hea..hea… heard tha…that you can hel…hel…help me”. 

Speech therapist: “Yes, sure. Ease yourself in the chair, look straight in my eyes, and count slowly till ten”. 

George: “O…one, t…two, th…th…three, ….. eight, nine, ten. It’s wonderful, I don’t stammer anymore!” 

Speech therapist: “My fee is 300 dollars.”

George: “H…h…how mu…mu…much?!”

I read books, I drink coffee, and I know stuff.  THAT’S WHAT IF DO!

Those who like my posts are happier, more intelligent, and better-looking than those that don’t according to a scientific study that I made up.

Last night my wife wore a police uniform to bed and said, “You’re being charged with being good in bed.”  90 seconds later the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

Let’s face it.

Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.

As someone who goes through that every now and then, I can STRONGLY attest to that fact!  It is horrifying!  Thank God for me it’s only occasional, although the night before last was one of those nights.  The night before Thanksgiving.  I told friends and family that I had nightmares … but two of those nightmares involved Sleep Paralysis … which turned them truly, mind bendingly, awful.  Okay, now I’m making myself sweat and giving myself heart races…so, onward to other things.  LOL!

Seriously, I got nothing.  Just a really cool, beautiful picture.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

Yup, me too!

Lots of men don’t understand the value of their wives…

Until the judge decides the alimony amount.

Love is nothing without action.
Trust is nothing without proof.
And sorry is nothing without change.

No Data (Conde Nast TagID: cncartoons018497.jpg) [Photo via Conde Nast]

I do not burn bridges.  I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.

Nearly everything has the potential to be funny.
The smartasses seize the opportunity to poke fun at something just to get a laugh.  Please thank a smartass today for making your life more cheerful.

It’s easy to take sides when you’ve only heard one.

Looks like Baba Yaga’s Hut.

One of the greatest regrets in life is being what others would want you to be, rather than being yourself. 
~ Shannon L. Alder

From a procrastination standpoint, today has been wildly successful.

It’s only natural we become quieter as we grow older.  We’ve a lot more to be quiet about.

Joe sent us this list of Old Hillbilly Wisdom that has some great … well … wisdom in it.  Take some of it to heart as we end today’s episode a little more cheerful than we started it.  Thanks for taking today’s journey with me, my friends.  I really needed the company.

𝐎𝐥𝐝 𝐇𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐖𝐢𝐬𝐝𝐨𝐦:
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks, bankers, and politicians at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
If you don’t take the time to do it right, you’ll find the time to do it twice.
Don’t corner something that is meaner than you.
Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.
It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
Don’t be banging your shin on a stool that’s not in the way.
Borrowing trouble from the future doesn’t deplete the supply.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.
Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
Silence is sometimes the best answer.
Don‘t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin’ you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you’ll ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin’.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try to speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
Most times, it just gets down to common sense.

So, until next time,

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Dragon Laffs #2105

It’s Thanksgiving Day as I’m starting this episode and I’ve been sitting here with West Wing on the TV, the dogs crashed out on the floor, Izzy Dragon is still upstairs asleep and I’ve been sitting here for about the last 3 hours zoned out with my mind wandering to Thanksgiving Days in the past and tears dripping down on to my keyboard.  Not really paying attention to anything.  

Yeah, zoning out.  That’s where I am right now.  So, what I’m going to do is jump to the fun stuff to take my mind off the other stuff while I wait for the world to turn and time to pass and this day to pass.  So for now, let’s do that and see what else pops up as it happens.

How does that sound?

Good for you?

Yup, good for me, too.

So, a couple of leftovers …

  • What did the turkey widow say to her three disobedient, inconsiderate children when they especially acted out one day?
    • If your father was still alive he’d be turning over in his gravy.
  • What role do green beans play at Thanksgiving?
    • The casserole.
  • What do you get if you cross a turkey with a ghost?
    • A poultrygeist.
  • What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
    • Pumpkin Pi
  • If Pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower what do students travel on?
    • Scholar ships
  • What do you get when you cross a turkey with rattler?
    • A wattlesnake.
  • What smells the best at Thanksgiving Dinner?
    • Your nose.
  • What do sweet potatoes wear to bed?
    • Yammies.
  • Knock knock.” – “Who’s there?” – “Arthur.” 
    • “Arthur who?” – “Arthur any leftovers?”
  • How do little pumpkins cross the road as he got to school?
    • With a crossing gourd.
  • Knock Knock.” – “Who’s there?” – “Norma Lee.” 
    • “Norma Lee who?” – “Norma Lee I don’t eat this much!”
  • What’s the smallest unit of measurement in the pilgrim cookbook?  
    • Pil-gram.
  • What do turkeys do on Sundays?  
    • Have peck-nics.
  • What’s the best song to play while cooking a turkey?
    • All About That Baste.
  • Why did the cranberries turn red?”
    • “Because they saw the turkey dressing.”
  • Why do Pilgrims’ pants always fall down?
    • Because they wear their buckles on their hats.
  • If you call a big turkey a gobbler, what do you call a small one?”
    • “A goblet.”
  • What sound does a turkey’s phone make?”
    • “Wing-wing-wing.”

After the parade, a man asked me if I could help him get down off his horse.  I told him, “Of course not.  You can’t.  You get down off a duck.”

Why Iron-man and not Fe-male?

Our Northern Perimeter Patrols can be lonely jobs at times.

Pulled out a nose hair today to see if it hurt…

Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the bus, it seems pretty painful… 

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be “saved” or you’ll “burn”

stupid firemen

If there was a way to read a woman’s mind, I am not sure I would want to.  I hate shoes, shopping, gossip, and I already know I am annoying.

Tears are the lubricant of the soul.  They help when overwhelming grief is at odds with unspeakable love.  Izzy Dragon is now up and I’m trying so hard to be cheerful and it’s so hard.  Unbelievably hard.  But, this too will pass and I will get through, so let’s press on.

“Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na Batman!”

About four minutes into my run, I’ve decided I want to work on my personality instead.

Hence, Dragon Laffs!

BIGGEST LESSON IN LIFE: 

Don’t ever think it can’t happen to you.

My GPS just told me to turn around.

Now I can’t see where I’m driving.

Dan: “I’m a man of few words.”

Fred: “Yeah, I’m married, too.”

There is a folk belief that if you bury a statue of St. Joseph on a piece of property, it will be sold more quickly.

I took the St. Joseph from my Nativity scene and buried it near my front door. A few days later a woman made me an offer on the house. Since she had to sell her home too, I suggested she enlist the help of the saint as well.

After a month of burying the statue all over her lawn, she had no nibbles and, in disgust, put the statue out with the trash.

A week later she opened her local paper and read: “Town Sells Landfill to Private Developer.”

TOMBSTONE 

The grave of Ellen Shannon in  Pennsylvania. 

Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with “R.E. Danforth’s
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid”

The “H” in “DEMOCRAT” stands for “HONESTY”.

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer’s down. You’ll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests. What’ll it be?”

The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains.”

“So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of this week ‘count’, St. Peter?”

“No, I told you the computer’s down. There’s no way we can keep track of what you’re doing.”

“In that case,” says the second priest, “I’ve always wanted to be a stud.”

“So be it” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. “Will you have any trouble locating them?” He asks.

“The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter. “He’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.”

“Why?” asked the Lord.

“He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota

Timmy was a little five-year old boy that his Mom loved very much and being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school for a couple of days but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the “big boys.”

He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it.

She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him.

Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it Would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well so she agreed.

The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with Another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little Friend of Timmy noticed that this same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week.

Finally, he said to Timmy, “Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?”

Timmy nonchalantly replied, “Yea, I know who she is.”

The little friend said, “Well who is she?”

“That’s just Shirley Goodnest” Timmy said.

“Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?”

“Well,” Timmy explained, “every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers ‘cuz she worries about me so much.

And it says, “Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life.” So I guess I’ll just have to get used to it!”

Mr. Hands was called in for an audit, and a surly Internal Revenue officer confronted him.

“It says here that you’re a bachelor – yet you have claimed a dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake.”

Mr. Hands looked him straight in the eye and said, “Yep, it surely was.”

And that’s it my friends.  The time has passed.  It is now Friday and we’ve all made it through.  Thanks for spending the time with me and helping me get through.  I deeply appreciate you.   Love and happiness to you all.  Until next time.

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Dragon Laffs #2104

Happy Thanksgiving!  I’m actually starting this on Sunday evening.  So, I have a few days to work on it because I’ve got something scheduled every day this week…except this evening.  Izzy Dragon is working this evening, so that gives me time to work.  Monday, I’ve got a class, Tuesday is darts and Wednesday is Bible Study.  

But then again, that’s every week, so I suppose that’s nothing new.  

So, I guess I’m just trying to get a little ahead.  It’s Thanksgiving week and I’m supposed to think of two things, everyday that I am thankful for.  And although I was given that assignment today, there’s no reason why I have to wait until tomorrow to start and there’s also no reason why I can’t share my thankfulness with you, my camping family.

So, what are the two things that I am thankful for today?  I suppose I could start out big and say friends and family.  That includes you guys in both of those categories.  There’s an awful lot of you who fall into the category of family, you’ve been around so long.  Some of you from  the very beginning over 15 years ago…in this format.  And I am thankful for every one of you.  You make the days easier and the nights a bit softer. 

Now, we’re going to move on to some of the fun stuff and talk more as we move along.

The Postal Service advises again this year that all babies born on Thanksgiving must be girls.  There is no male delivery on holidays.

Here’s something to think about at our ages ..
 

  1. The inventor of the treadmill died at the age of 54
  2. The inventor of gymnastics died at the age of 57
  3. The world bodybuilding champion died at the age of 41
  4. The best footballer in the world, Maradona, died at the age of 60.
  5. James Fuller Fixx, credited with helping start America’s fitness revolution by popularizing the sport of running, died of a heart attack while jogging at 52 years of age.

  … BUT …

  1. The KFC inventor died at 94.
  2. Inventor of Nutella brand died at the age of 88
  3. Imagine, cigarette maker Winston died at the age of 102
  4. The inventor of opium died at the age of 116 in an earthquake
  5. And the Hennessey Liquor inventor died at 98.

How did these doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life? 

The rabbit is always jumping up and down but it lives for only 2 years and the turtle that doesn’t exercise at all, lives 400 years.

So, take some rest, chill, stay cool, eat, drink and enjoy your life.

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other a Chihuahua As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, “Let’s go into  that pub for a drink.” The lady with the Chihuahua said, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.” The one with the Doberman said, “Just watch, and do as I do.” They walked over to the pub and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.” The woman with the Doberman said, “You don’t understand. This is my guide dog I’m partially blind” The bouncer said, “A Doberman?” The woman said, “Yes, they’re using them now. They’re very good. “The bouncer said, “OK, come on in. “The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a guide dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, “What the heck,” so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.” The woman said, “You don’t understand. This is my guide dog” The bouncer said, “A Chihuahua?” The woman with the Chihuahua said, “A Chihuahua? They gave me a freaking Chihuahua ?

“This is a dragon I’m riding, not a turkey, you idiots!”

Monday Night and the two things that I’m thankful for are God’s Word and the Blessings of the Holy Spirit.  Kind of strange to say from a guy who puts these memes out and puts such Dragon Rants in here that flame the left and the Democrats that are ruining our once great and beautiful country.  But, I am only a mortal being and I am trying my very best to be the best that I can be and to be honest with myself and with God.  

Government Pipe Specifications:

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic, centered around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length — do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

3. The ID (Inside Diameter) of all pipe must not exceed their OD (Outside Diameter) — otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. The pipe is supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5. All pipe is to be supplied without rust; this can be more readily applied at the job site. (NOTE: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a great deal of time at the job site.)

6. All pipe over 500ft (150m) in length should have the words “LONG PIPE” clearly painted on each side and end, so the contractor will know it’s a long pipe.

7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words “LONG PIPE” painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether it is a long or short pipe.

8. All pipe over 6ft (1.83m) in diameter must have the words “LARGE PIPE” painted on it, so the contractor won’t mistake it for a small pipe.

9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes from bolts that are quite separate from the big holes in the middle.

10. When ordering 90 or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left-hand or right-hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

12. All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not mix the threads. Otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on to one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.

13. All pipes shorter than 1/8in (3mm) are very uneconomical in use, requiring many joints. They are generally known as washers.

14. Joints in pipes for water must be watertight. Those pipes for compressed air, however, need only be airtight.

15. Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not recommended for concrete or earthenware pipes.

16. Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include; Conduit, Tube, Tunnel, and Drain. Use only genuine pipes.

Little Johnny’s mother asked him what he would like for his birthday. 

“I’d like a little brother,” Little Johnny said.

“Oh my, that’s such a big wish,” said his mother. “Why do you want a little brother”? 

“Well,” said Little Johnny, “there’s only so much I can blame on my dog.” 

Tuesday and before I run out to Darts, I can say that I’m very thankful for my Darts family who have pulled my butt out of the fire more than once.  They helped clean up the tree that had fallen in the back yard, through the fence and into the neighbor’s yard.  They have been there for me so often and without question that I must be so very thankful for them. And I am especially thankful for my Izzy Dragon who has kept me sane and alive this last year.  If not for her, I don’t think I  would be here right now.  She has done more for me than anyone.  She has kept me whole.

An Israeli soldier who had only just enlisted asked his Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. 

The CO said, “Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that kind of recognition!” 

The very next day the soldier came back driving an Arab tank!

The CO was very impressed and gave the soldier his 3-day pass.

One of the other new recruits took him aside and asked how he had managed to single-handedly capture an Arab tank. 

“Simple” said the soldier, I jumped in one of our tanks and headed towards the border. As I approached the border, I saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. Then I said to the Arab soldier, ‘How would you like to get a 3-day pass?’ 

“So we exchanged tanks!”

“Mirror, mirror on the wall, where is Impish Dragon ’cause I’m gonna kick his ever lovin’ ass!”

Black Friday:

Because only in America will people trample each other for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have.

And absolute Thanksgiving classic!  What a wonderful show this was.

Three Irishmen, drunk as can be, come staggering down the street, singing Danny Boy at the top of their lungs. They come to a stop in front of Flaherty’s house still singing. 

After a few minutes, the window flies open and Mrs. Flaherty yells out, “Why don’t you drunken sots go somewhere else.” 

“Are ye Mrs. Flaherty?” asks one of the drunks.

“Faith now, ye know full well that I am,” says she.

“Well, could ye come down an’ tell us which one of us is your husband so the other two of us can go home.” 

It seems as though in my over 30 years of service, the holidays that I’ve missed the most, or should I say, the holidays that I’ve been away from home the most for, it seems have been Thanksgiving, my kid’s birthday’s (especially Izzy’s) and my wedding anniversary.  In that order.  Out of, let’s say 30 Thanksgivings, I’ll bet I’ve missed at least half, if not closer to 20 of them.  It seems like I was always deployed or TDY or at some school or special class or something, somewhere.  But, you know… there was always something there to be thankful for at the same time.  I was helping to defend the GREATEST country in the world.  The only country who’s founding fathers based its inception on Judeo-Christian values (although I’d swear our leaders now are doing everything in their power to destroy those same values now).  I was working for a military who I KNEW would watch out for and take care of my family while I was gone.  And that I was BLESSED to have a job, a career that I could be proud of and that took care of me and my family.  We’d never be rich, by any stretch of the imagination, but there was food on the table and a roof over our heads and what more could one really ask for.  So yeah, don’t forget those who can’t be home today with their families.  I’ve got a couple of my guys who are going to be gone over the Christmas holiday.  We can talk about keeping them in your prayers as it gets a little closer to the time.  In the mean time, lets get back to the laughter. 

Two hunters, Paul and Kurt, were in a lodge, making small talk. Paul asked Kurt, “So, what do you hunt?” 

Kurt answered “I hunt unicorns.”

Paul was startled, but said “Really? How do you do that?” 

Kurt replied, “I find a virgin and hire her to help me. 

The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare.” 

Paul said, “Boy, they must be hard to find. I’ve heard of them, but I’ve never seen one.” Kurt said “Yeah, and there aren’t many unicorns around, either!” 

Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you’re scared to death. 

-Earl Wilson (1907-1987)

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. 

While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. 

The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed.   

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.   

The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man’s head. The wife shouted, “Don’t do it!  This man has been very generous!  I lied when I told you I inherited money.  He paid for the Corvette I bought for you.  He paid for our new cabin cruiser.  He paid for our house at the lake.  He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!”

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.

He looked over at the cab driver and said, “What would you do?”

The cabby said, “I’d cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold.

Why?  What’s wrong with that?

NEVER AGAIN should we be forgetting our men and women who served!!

I just switched my “20 year Home Mortgage” to a “Student Loan”.

Follow me for more financial advice.

Which is only one of the reasons why I still have a job.

Tired of having to balance his wife’s bank balance, Mike made a deal with her; he would only look at it after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape. Only then would he lend his expertise. 

The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, Ann said proudly, “There! I’ve done it! I made it balance!” 

Impressed, Mike came over to take a look.

“Let’s see…mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00.” His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. “It says here ESP, 615.00. What the heck is that?” 

“Oh,” she said, “That means, Error Some Place!!!” 

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
-Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, “There was water in the carburetor.” 
I asked her, “Where’s the car?”
She replied, “In the lake.”
-Henny Youngman
—————————————————–
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-Henny Youngman
—————————————————– 
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” 
The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.” 
—————————————————–
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. 
—————————————————–
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her. 
—————————————————–
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got myself two girlfriends.
—————————————————–
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.

A door-to-door salesmen knocks on a neighbourhood door. 

A little boy answers the door and the salesman says, ” Hi little fellow, is your mother home ?” 

“Yes,” said the lad, “she’s out in the backyard screwing our goat.” 

” No,” says the salesman, ” I don’t belive you.” 

The boy says, ” Come see for yourself.” 

So the salesman takes a look in the backyard, and sure enough, there was the mom bent over with a large goat screwing her from behind. 

The salesman said to the boy, “isn’t your mom afraid she’ll get pregnant?” 

The boy says, ” N-a-a-a-a-a-” 

Life Is a Gift

Today before you say an unkind word – Think of someone who can’t speak.

Before you complain about the taste of your food – Think of someone who has nothing to eat.

Before you complain about your husband or wife – Think of someone who’s crying out to GOD for a companion.

Today before you complain about life – Think of someone who went too early to heaven.

Before whining about the distance you drive Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.

And when you are tired and complain about your job – Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job.

And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down – Put a smile on your face and think: you’re alive and still around.

How to live to be 100:

Live to be 99 and then be very careful.

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed.

As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.”

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

“Well, did you see this?”

“Yes,” motioned the monkey.

“What happened?”

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

“They were drinking?” asked the officer.

“Yes.”

“What else?”

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

“They were smoking marijuana?”

“Yes.”

“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked.”

“Yes.”

“What were you doing during all this?”

“Driving” motioned the monkey.

And that my friends is it for this really, really long issue.  My last two things I’m thankful for are the blessings that I’ve received for doing this for so long.  Laughter and happiness.  We need that in our lives to get through and thanks to you guys I have that virtually every day.  Thanks for staying on this journey with me and, God willing, we’ll stay on this journey for many more years to come.

May you all have a joy filled Thanksgiving holiday.  Pray for those who can’t be with the ones they love on this day.  And may your day be filled with love.

Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments