So, I have a couple of hours of time after my SAPC meeting and before going to bed, so I’m going to start this next issue. Not sure when I’m going to FINISH this issue. So let’s see. It’s now Tuesday night, let’s see how it goes, shall we?

And I found out what the new text looks like on a published issue and…it is pretty bad. So… I guess all the text will now be in black and you’ll just have to figure out what’s me. Maybe I’ll put my writing in italics. Let’s see if that works.

Okay, it’s now Friday. and I’m SO far behind. It took me 3 hours JUST to get caught up on my emails. I gave a talk last night to the community on home preparedness. That went pretty well, but was a bit … different. It was a round table event with the SAPC (Substance Abuse Prevention Council) so the other 5 speakers were talking about substance abuse in one form or another and then … there was me. The other 5 speakers sat behind their table and gave their talks and answered questions and then … there was me. The first thing I did was stand up and apologize and tell everyone that in my job, I stood when I talked. When I was done, I was out from behind the table and in amongst the audience and talking to them as individuals, not as a group. Somehow I don’t think I was supposed to do that, but it was a lot of fun … for me, if not for anyone else.

I WANT ONE!!!!

I wonder if they were holding out for more and it fell through or they really didn’t want to sell?

Old man Willy Blumenfeld was getting on in years. His son, Harold, had done well financially in ladies’ underwear.

He asked his father if he’d like to go down to Miami Beach. He thought it would be good for the old man to have companionship and balmy weather as well in his declining years.

The old man was pleased but consented to go only if he could be at a Kosher hotel. And so Harold made reservations at the Sterling Hotel and put his father on a plane for Miami Beach.

His son phoned him once a week and everyone seemed happy. Some weeks later, Harold had to make a business trip south and decided to drop in on pop unannounced as a surprise.

When he got to the Sterling Hotel, there was no sign of old man Blumenfeld. 

He asked the desk clerk if he had any idea where his father might be and he was told he might try room 402 at the Sans Souci. Harold hopped into a cab and headed for the Sans Souci. He learned at the desk that room 402 was occupied by a Miss Peggy Murphy.

Harold rushed up to room 402, knocked at the door which was opened by a tall, sparsely dressed redhead.  And there was papa in a bathrobe! 

Harold was furious! Unable to contain himself, he screamed, “Papa, I’m so shocked I don’t know what to say! An old religious man like you! And you insisted yet you must stay at a Kosher hotel!”

The old man looked at him as if crazy and said, “So, what are you getting so excited for? 

I don’t eat here!”

I found this on line and it intrigued me. I never knew this information before today. So, I’m including it here to share with you guys to see what you think. I’m going to try it starting tonight to see what happens.

Q: My child will not eat fish. What can I

replace it with? 

A:  A Cat. Cats love fish.

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”

Q:  What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?

A:  Fowl weather.

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT A WOMAN’S “I’ll BE READY IN 5 MINUTES” AND A MAN’S “I’LL BE HOME IN 5 MINUTES” ARE EXACTLY THE SAME?

And that’s it for this one … at long last. Took a while to get through this one. And tomorrow, Saturday, when I get home from work, I’ll get started on the next one. At some point in time, I’ll get another day off. It will happen and it will disappear faster than my cigar smoke. So, until next time my dear friends, my love to you all.

Dragons are closer than they may appear in the mirror or from any other position. Yeah, we’re like that.

So, have I mentioned that I hate this new text format for Word Press?

I’m currently binge watching The Shooter series on Prime while … well, while doing everything else that I have to do. Like working on Dragon Laffs, studying, stuff like that.

The problem with that is that it is so engrossing that I stop doing EVERYTHING else and get sucked in and make NO progress on anything else. It’s not like watching any of the normal programs that I usually watch where I can listen and stay caught up with the show. Somehow it’s infuriating. LOL!

And there are FAR TOO MANY who seek to destroy it!

Standing in a garage doesn’t make you a car, it just means you’re standing in a garage.

Mary’s favorite bird was the cardinal. Then I heard that your loved ones come back and visit you as cardinals. (Not that I believe that’s true.) But, our backyard and our area here where I live is inundated with cardinals and it still touches my heart, anyway.

A hacker got into my bank account and left

me a note, “Please save more money, this was

a complete waste of my time”.

And that’s it for this one my friends. Not sure when I’ll get back to this, but keep sending in those cards and letters (read as memes and cartoons). My love to you all. It’s going to be a fun week, it’s going to be a fun week, it’s going to be a … yeah, I don’t believe it either. But, I’ll let you know.

Well, I’m back. And suddenly, Word Press has changed things around and I can’t do the things I wanted to do or like I did them before with text. So, my writing may look a little different then it has in the past. I may work on it and see if I can get it working correctly again, but in the mean time, what do you say we get right to it, shall we?

I do, too!

The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary.  

She ignored the telephone when it rang.

“You must answer the telephone,” he told her irritably. 

“All right,” she replied, “but it seems so silly.  Nine times out of ten, it’s for you!”

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from the Prime Minister of Israel. 

“Your Holiness”, said one of his Cardinals, Mr.  Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand.

“Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?” he asked.

“None that plays very well,” a Cardinal replied.  

“But he added,”there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic.  

We can  offer to make him a Cardinal,then ask him to play Mr.  Sharon as your personal representative.  

In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match.”

Everyone agreed it was a good idea.  The call was made. Ofcourse,Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.  

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. 

 “I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness,” said Nicklaus.

“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope. 

“Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but eventhough I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far.  

I must have been inspired from above.  My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect.  With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”

“There’s bad news?”, the Pope asked.  “Yes,” Nicklaus sighed.  “I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by seven strokes….” 

This one is REALLY cute!

Told my doctor:

“I could be a healthy person if you’d stop finding things

wrong with me!”

Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

Well, interesting day. Today is Saturday, by the way. Had Men’s Breakfast this morning, mowed the lawn, took the second test for this semester’s FBI, and now I’m about worn out!

So, Lynn sent this to me …

This is an Oldie, but I just came across it again and thought of you! 😀😀

And that’s it my friends. I got nothing else for today, but I do need to start the next one, because it’s going to be one of those weeks. Exercises and a special talk on Thursday night, not to mention the regular FBI class (last one of the semester) and Jail Ministry, it should be a real exciting week. So, until the next episode, be very well my dear friends.

Well, today is Wednesday and I’m off work so I can take Izzy to the hospital for some testing all based on her mini-seizure way back when she had a blood test.  We kind of think it’s unnecessary, but we all do what we’re told to do, right?

Well, not always, but in this case…

Anyway, I have a little time before we have to leave, so let’s work on this fun-fest and see where things take us, shall we?

Joe has a warning for us:

Well, it’s partially the problem because why are you having children with someone you aren’t married to? I know this isn’t the case ALL the time, but when we do things the way God intended us to do: date, fall in love, get married, have sex, have children … in that order … and the order of things matters.  So yeah, fathers leave, but it still takes two to tango.

I wish to congratulate the linemen who strung those wires!

What could he have possibly done to get the attention of four cops?!

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

– Mark Twain (1835-1910)

“Woe to those who call evil good and good evil,” Isaiah 5:20a

Thanks to Chris for this one:

That one always cracks me up.

Yeah, that’s not even CLOSE to being true!

Henny Youngman

My wife dresses to kill.
Too Bad She cooks the same way.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.

A good wife always forgives her husband when
she’s wrong.

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.

Never go to bed mad.
Stay up and fight.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

I laughed SO hard!

There is nothing biblically that supports any of that nonsense!

PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS

These useful quotes are from actual federal employee performance evaluations: 

1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 
2. I would not allow this employee to breed.
3. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won’t-be. 
4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. 
5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet. 
6. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
8. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 
9. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
10. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better. 
11. Got a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together. 
12. A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
13. He does not have ulcers, but he is a carrier.
14. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
15. He has been working with glue too much.
16. He would argue with a signpost.
17. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
18. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
19. If you see two people talking, and one looks bored, he is the other one. 
20. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
21. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
22. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train is not coming. 
24. Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
25. If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week. 
26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change.
27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
28. It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
29. One neuron short of a synapse.
30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
31. Takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
32. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Douglas was being evaluated for mental problems and was asked by the doctor, 

“If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?” 

Douglas replied, “I would get in my helicopter and fly away!”

The doctor then asked, “Where did you get a helicopter from?”

Douglas replied, “The same place you got that damn train!”

See, I found that a perfectly acceptable answer.  If you can have a train in a hallway, I can have a helicopter in a hallway.

Our dear friend Lynn sent me a bunch of my old favorites, so here they all are now shared with you … also some of my old favorites. (See what I did there? (SWIDT))

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, “So which six items would you like to buy?”
Wouldn’t it be great if that happened?
~~~~~~~~~~
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table. “Young man, we’re both 90 years old,” the husband said. “We may not have 45 minutes.”
They were seated immediately.
~~~~~~~~~~
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they have passed.
~~~~~~~~~~
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card. 
~~~~~~~~~~
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
~~~~~~~~~~
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, “When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?”
Artie said, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”
Eugene commented, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives.”
Al said, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!'”
~~~~~~~~~~
Smith climbed to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asked the Lord… “God, what does a million years mean to you?”
The Lord replied, “A minute.”
Smith asked, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”
The Lord replied, “A penny.”
Smith asked, “Can I have a penny?”
The Lord replied, “In a minute.”
~~~~~~~~~~
A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”
“Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”
~~~~~~~~~~
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, “Give me one last request, dear,” he said.
“Of course, John,” his wife said softly.
“Six months after I die,” John said, “I want you to marry Bob.”
“But I thought you hated Bob,” she said.
With his last breath John said, “I do!”
~~~~~~~~~~

Izzy sent that one to me to tell  me that it describes herself.

That’s going to take some of you WAY back since we don’t wear that gear any more.

How is a hospital gown like insurance?

You’re never covered as much as you think you are.

And that’s it for this one my friends. It’s now Friday and I’m gonna jump right into the next one. I’ve got a busy weekend ahead of me, so I need to get ahead. So, see you in a few … at least on my end.  For you guys … it’ll be a few days.

So, it’s now Saturday and doing some laundry and just relaxing and I thought I’d spend a little time with you guys. I’m in a mood today, so I need to laugh so I thought we’d do that together. So, let’s get started.

It bothers me that this sign is necessary.

I just bought a Humpty Dumpty toy from Aldi.

It’s brilliant.

It comes with Aldi kings horses and Aldi kings men.

That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow.

There should be a calorie refund for things that didn’t taste as good as you expected.

I can’t believe I’ve lived long enough that I’m being fact checked by 20 year old boys with man buns, skinny jeans and nose rings that don’t even know who bombed Pearl Harbor!!

There is no such thing as a Grouchy Old Person. The truth is, once you get old you stop being polite and start being Honest.

Arguing with a WOMAN is like getting ARRESTED. Everything you say can and will be used against you.

Remember:
before Facebook, when no one cared what you had for breakfast!?

They still don’t.

Cell phones bring you closer to the person far from you. But take you away from the ones sitting right next to you.

And others who read that as 90ish or so…

A recent study found people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits.

And people who order a quad shot, nonfat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel, drizzle are more likely to be their victims.

I thought I broke my ankle when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night.

The doctor says it’s only tissue damage.

And that’s it. I’m doing a little better.  The depression is still beating me about the head and shoulders, but I’m still doing standing upright. You guys helped. I hoped you enjoyed the show.  Tune in next time and laugh with me again.