Dragon Laffs

Hot! Really Hot! Like a bunch of the rest of you. Temperatures of 94 or 95 and feels like 105. We get warnings at work. “We are under condition black. 25%. For instance, that means that for every 15 minutes of work, you should rest for 45 minutes. Be sure to drink at least 2 quarts of water every hour.” I had to tell one of the young airman, “You have an office job in the air conditioning, this doesn’t apply to you!”

They have really broken my Air Force.

And…. I just got a message on my phone that said they have extended the extreme heat warning another 24 hours. Just great.

So many horrible things going on right now. Weighing heavy on my mind. Parents leaving kids in hot cars and the kids dying. Parents leaving kids home alone while they go to work…Man, I know it’s hard on single parents and finding childcare can be really tough, but you can’t leave young kids home alone. You just can’t.

Indiana, my home state, has made it illegal to “camp” on public property. So, what then are the homeless people supposed to do? There aren’t enough homeless shelters, especially around where I live. Now, we don’t have a HUGE homeless population near where I live, but there are some and most of them “camp” in the same general area and people bring them “stuff”. The community has been asking for a homeless shelter for a long time, but … especially now … they are more interested in putting in a data center … against overwhelming push back … than they are anything else. The only way a homeless shelter will be put up is if we get a private donor interested. Then you would need volunteers, counselors, medical people, etc. And therein lies the problem in our little community. Which is why it would require the city or county to take it on and they won’t. So instead, they make homelessness illegal and put people in jail and take away their freedom. “But at least then they’re being taken care of!” For what? Ten days for a first offense. Then 30 days … then …?

Just another rant. I don’t know what the answer is. I guess all I’m doing is pointing out problems. Why not just leave them alone? At least here. They’re doing okay for now.

So much more on my mind.

Requiring to scan your ID to use your phone and your computer…YOUR phone and YOUR computer. It’s coming folks. They’re voting on it now. If the politicians vote against it then they are voting against “protecting kids on line” and if they vote for it then they are voting for “giving your ID to the tech companies” so they are damned if they do and damned if they don’t. So consequently a good portion of them are obstaining from voting.

Chickens.

There’s gotta be a better way to protect our kids.

Oh yeah!

How about parenting!

Why do we have to rely on the state to do the job that the parents are supposed to be doing?

Okay, now my ranting is over with… so …

Okay, these next three go together. Weirdly…

Lucky? LUCKY!? I’d say she was cursed! I’d find out what ship she was on and stay the heck away! And nobody thought to tell her to stay off the water!?

Louisiana Law

It illegal for a woman to drive a car unless her husband is waving a flag in front of it.

Yeah! Brilliant Idea! Never, ever, ever, NEVER, buy, rent, lease or get in a Chinese vehicle. Just had a special briefing on them at work. These things are set up to spy on us. Download all the information from your phone, hook up to wi-fi as it passes and drives down the street, specifically as it nears military installations, all KINDS of insidious stuff. They are not being sold or allowed in the United States, but what is happening, is they are allowed in Mexico and people are renting them and then crossing the border into Texas and driving them near military installations. They are not supposed to be let across, but some are getting through.

An Irishman arrived at Heathrow Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. 

An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

“No,” replied the Irishman. “I’ve lost all me luggage!” 

“How’d that happen?”

“The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.

As dessert was served to the visiting pastor, the hostess apologized for not having any cheese to go with the apple pie. 

Hearing this, her little son slipped down from his chair and left the room, then returned with a small piece of cheese which he shyly placed on the pastor’s plate. 

“Why, thank you, son,” said the guest as he popped the cheese in his mouth, “You must have found the last piece! Where did you find it?” 

Flushing with pride, the little boy said, “Oh, it was in the mousetrap.” 

Okay, we all saw it coming, but it was still funny.

Click HERE

During check-in at airport for a non-stop long-haul flight, the airline staff was very apologetic to the husband and said: “I am sorry sir, the flight is really full today. We couldn’t allot you and your wife adjacent seats. Your seat number is 14A and madam’s is 42H.”

Husband: “Oh, thanks! Do I have to pay anything extra to you for this favor?”

Staff: “No sir, madam has already paid!”

Not to mention cleaning under your nails with that 9mm is a bit problematic.

The wife asked where a good place to go for a week might be.

I suggested Kitchen Island

That’s when everything went black.

Tricks restaurant servers use to get their tables laughing and keep the mood light.  These fall into the classification of Dad Jokes

When the restaurant is short-staffed

I apologize; we are a bit short-staffed this evening but I am trying to get taller.

When saying farewell

Hey everyone, if you enjoyed everything, please remember my name is Alex, and if you didn’t my name is Mike!

When someone can’t finish their meal

Me: you wanna box for that?

Them: yes, please

Me: *strikes old-timey boxing pose

When the timing is bad

If you walk up as their mouths are full, I say ‘sorry they train us to do that’

When the receipt is really long

My favorite bit is if they end up with a really long receipt I’ll tell them ‘And you also get a free scarf’

When the server wants a drink

When they put in drinks, I’d say ‘alright so 4 whatever’s for y’all and a margarita for me, I’ll be right back with those’

When they’re poring over the menu

My tables used to love when I’d pull up a seat, sit down with them and discuss the menu as if I were a late arriving guest.

When the plate is hot

This plate is super hot, be careful.  This one, not as hot, but she has a great personality.

When people haven’t dined there before

Ask if people have dined with us before, if they haven’t, I answer with ‘well I’d love to tell you about how we do things here; you tell me what you want to drink and eat off this list of food, and then I bring it to you, and you pay me’

When someone spills their drink

When someone spills their drink, I give them a replacement or their next round in a sippy cup. If it’s a beer, I saran wrap the top and put a straw in it like a sippy cup. Kills every time.

A fun intro

I’m sure you’re all wondering why I’ve gathered you here today

When someone’s looking for the bathroom

I don’t know, I’ve been looking for it for years

Best Kitten Videos On The Internet

And that is it my friends. Getting a little further ahead every day.

Tomorrow is the 4th and we are all praying for a nice happy, carefree day. You guys be safe out there…but by the time you read this, it will all be over. So, instead, until next time, may God Bless you and keep you and smile His face upon you until we are together again. Love and Happiness to you all.

Two-hundred and fifty years! Unbelievable. Many of us were here fifty years ago for the two-hundredth birthday. At that time I couldn’t imagine being here for the two-fiftieth.

I’m writing this from the view of the Sunday before and I can’t help but think that somebody, somewhere is going to try to do something stupid on Saturday. They are going to try to blow something up, shoot something up, fly a plane into something, or some other asinine thing.

And why not? We are the great Satan Afterall, right? We are the ones that are ruining the world. Well, if that’s the truth, then why is everyone trying to move here?!

Okay … Okay … I’m starting to rant. That’s not what I wanted to do … what I wanted to do was say:

It’s truly an amazing feat! There will be laffs. But there will be celebration. So, let’s get started, shall we?

Interesting Trivia from Aussie Pete:

Centuries ago, before modern lighting, walking through the narrow streets of Venice at night was a nightmare. The city had to solve two enormous daily problems: safety and cleanliness.

How they solved the situation with pure logic:

The anti-ambush design: The sharp corners of the buildings created perfect blind spots where criminals and attackers could hide. The solution? They rounded off the corners at the base of the buildings by inserting huge, rounded stone blocks, physically eliminating hiding spaces and making ambushes much more difficult.

The “anti-rude” system: The narrow, dark alleys too often became open-air urinals. To combat this degradation, stones with a specific slope were installed at the base of some critical corners.

The trick? The angle of the stone caused the water to bounce right off the shoes and pants of those using it as a bathroom. A brutal but foolproof method of enforcing urban discipline.

What today look like old, time-worn blocks of stone to tourists are actually masterpieces of preventative urban planning. They made Venice safer, cleaner, and decidedly more difficult to vandalize, centuries before the invention of security cameras.

This one is from brother Joe!

10 Commandments of marriage:

Perhaps a bit misogynistic but it is what it is. 

Picture a seasoned, silver-haired husband of forty years sitting in a comfortable leather chair, a cup of coffee in hand, delivering his personal “Ten Commandments of Matrimony” to a room full of nervous, soon-to-be grooms at a bachelor party.

“We all know the old saying that marriages are made in heaven,” he began with a knowing, gentle wink. “But let me tell you, so are thunder and lightning. That’s Commandment Number One right there.” He chuckled, taking a slow sip of his coffee. “Now, if you ever want your spouse to truly listen and pay strict attention to every single word you say, just talk in your sleep. That’s the secret to getting heard, or Commandment Number Two.”

“Number Three is a matter of simple financial math,” he continued, leaning back. “Marriage is grand, but divorce? Divorce is at least a hundred grand. Keep that in mind the next time you’re arguing over who forgot to pay the electric bill.” He paused, his tone turning a bit more theatrical. “Commandment Number Four is all about the evolution of volume in the house. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. And in the third year? They both speak, and the neighbors listen.”

The room erupted in laughter, and he held up a hand to quiet them down. “Moving on to Number Five. When you see a man politely open the car door for his wife, you can be absolutely sure of one thing: either the car is brand new, or the wife is.” He smiled, his expression turning a bit more thoughtful. “Commandment Number Six is really the core of it all. Marriage is when a man and a woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.”

“Now, pay close attention to Number Seven,” he said, pointing a finger at the young men. “Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said, analyzing every single word. After marriage? He will fall fast asleep before you even finish your sentence.”

He sighed dramatically, shaking his head. “Commandment Eight is the great male tragedy. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, deeply understanding, highly economical, and a master chef in the kitchen. But the law, unfortunately, allows only one wife.”

“And for the ladies,” he added with a roguish grin, “Commandment Number Nine is the exact same deal. Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical, and a considerate lover. But again, the law allows only one husband.” He finished his coffee and set the mug down on the table with a definitive clink. “Which brings us to the final Commandment, Number Ten. A man is completely incomplete until he marries. But after that? He is absolutely finished.”

That has got to be the scaryest thing I’ve ever read.

You wouldn’t even have to shoot all of them. Once you shoot a few of them and set the example, word will get out.

Natural Mosquito Control! Outstanding!

I definitely need that!!!

Yes, yes I have!

Thanks to Jonathon for this one … it is AWESOME!!!!

Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel; the only way to move things was by carrying or dragging. 
One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food preparation area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just WATCHING. 

Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders. They called the chief out of his cave and pointed out the unusual boulders and said then they ought to be useful in some way. 

This was the beginnings of true civilization. Wug, the chief, studied these round boulders and formed a council of ten of the wisest men in the camp to determine how best to use these unusual rocks. The council knew they were on the verge of a wonderful discovery but it eluded them. The only thing they could do is to call in all the men of the camp, have each one look over the stones, and go back to their caves and 
t-h-i-n-k about them.

This, in itself, was a daring program as no one had ever t-h-o-u-g-h-t bout anything except eating before. 

For a week the men gave up watching the women dragging food to the encampment and gathered in small groups d-i-s-c-u-s-s-i-n-g this topic. 

Another breakthrough for civilization!

At the end of the month, Gug, a smaller cave man, came up with an i-d-e-a. He discussed this with the others and the whole camp felt that this was a wonderful t-h-o-u-g-h-t. 

The men would sit on the boulders and w-a-t-c-h the women as they dragged the food to the camp. 

One big burley male found it was interesting to take a pile of small stones to his rock and throw them at the women when they became exhausted and slowed down. 

This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television and the remote control. 

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him. 

“Why do we have to learn this stuff for a medical degree?” the young man blurted out. 

“To save lives,” the professor replied before continuing the lecture. 

In a few minutes, the student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?” 

The professor stared at the student for a long time.

“Physics saves lives,” he said, “because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.” 

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

– William James Durant (1885 – 1981)

I’ve got a few more of these to play…

And that’s it my friends. I hope this was a suitable celebration for a very special day. May God Bless us and keep us, and if He sees fit protect us and keep us safe. We started out as a Christian nation, may we return to our roots and make Him proud of us. Until next time my friends.

Well, it’s still Saturday and I’m still sitting here and relaxing. And it’s still early enough for me to start Thursday’s episode, so here I am and here we are and here we go!

I love this one. And what is prayer? Prayer is a conversation that you have with your Father. Remember when you were little and you were scared or you had a problem or you had a question … you could always runny to daddy. Abba Father. Just because your an adult, doesn’t mean that stops. It might not be your earthly father any more, now it’s your Heavenly Father. You can always go to Him when you are scared or when you have a question or with a problem. Always.

And that’s it for this one my friends…until next time.

It’s Saturday morning. I’ve got my coffee, I’m not working. I’m relaxing. Laundry is in the washer and dryer. And I’ve got all my friends here with me. What could possibly be a better way to spend a Saturday morning.

So, what do you say we all sit back, grab a coffee and …

Me too!

It was “Take Your Kids to Work Day,” so I decided to bring my five-year-old daughter along to the office. She was incredibly excited all morning, packing a little notebook and asking a million questions about what I do.

The day went surprisingly well. She colored quietly during my morning meetings, handed out high-lighters to my teammates, and devoured a slice of office pizza at lunch. But as five o’clock rolled around and we started packing up our bags to leave, her bottom lip began to tremble. Within seconds, she burst into full, dramatic tears.

Right on cue, my boss walked out of her corner office to say goodbye. Seeing her sobbing, she knelt down, put on her best, most comforting “manager voice,” and asked, “Oh sweetie, what’s wrong? Did you have a bad day?”

She wiped her eyes, looked him straight in the face, and sobbed, “I was here all day and I never got to see the Clown my mommy says she works for.”

I don’t have any words other than … WHY?

That is the question!

And that’s it. Until next time my friends. Laff until your sides hurt.

Here it is, late in the week, late in the day, I’m so far behind … again. That ought to become my new mantra… Welcome to Dragon Laffs! Where the humor is behind, every single episode!

Sheesh!

I will be SO glad when this stupid, flippin’ Air Show is over and done with!! This thing is driving me nuts! Then I’ve got higher headquarters wanting us to upgrade to a new program on base … that I can’t really talk about here, but suffice to say that it would be a WONDERFUL upgrade, but the learning curve and the effort going in is enormous! … right before the Air Show?!?!

NO!

Oh, and I just got my annual budget money at the end of May and final approval and moved to where it needs to be so I can spend it at the beginning of June (remember, our fiscal year starts on 1 October) and I just got an email today saying that if I don’t hurry up and spend the money that they are going to start syphoning some of it off so that they can use it elsewhere … IT’S AN ANNUAL BUDGET! NOT A ONCE A YEAR IN JUNE ONLY BUDGET! How the heck am I supposed to run an entire base program like this?

And then December rolls around and the inspectors show up and they say, “Why don’t you have any more of these widgets?” Because my crystal ball broke in June and I didn’t know that those were gonna be the thing that we were gonna have a run on this year and now I don’t have anything left of last year’s money and I won’t get any of this year’s money until the year is half over!

Don’t work in the private sector where they make 2 to 3 times as much money as you do, Impish and nobody shoots at you, Impish. Be patriotic, Impish, where the great big friendly government will take care of you and you’ll have everything you need all the time.

Okay, I’m done.

You know I’m mostly being sarcastic, right?

I really do love my job.

And I’m damn good at it.

It’s just certain times that I wish the government would get out of it’s own way.

But, before we move on, I want to say a special thank you to Sammye and Leonard for their super generous donations! You guys are great and the donations came in at a really great time! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Very much appreciated. You guys are fantastic!

See!!! I KNEW there was an easier way to get my fence fixed!!!

Where does the expression “Kilroy was here” come from?

It has long been a mystery, until the real Kilroy revealed himself.

James Kilroy was an American shipyard inspector during the Second World War. Every ship had to be inspected by him before it was launched. To do this quickly, he had the habit of writing his name in chalk on the places he had inspected so that he could be sure he did not miss a single one. Given the speed at which a new ship had to be put into service, these markings were usually not erased.

The GIs who left for Europe consequently found his name in the most unexpected places on the ships and wondered who this Kilroy was who was part of all the crossings and who wrote his name in the most inaccessible places.

Jokes began to circulate about him, and in Europe, soldiers began writing “Kilroy was here” in the most unusual places to make people believe in a super GI who was part of all the battles and who ventured to the most absurd places.

The success was so great that even Stalin is said to have asked who Kilroy was at the Yalta Conference.

It is also said that the German General Staff believed Kilroy was a spy tasked with preparing the advance of the American army and that orders were given to search for and capture him. However, there is no record of such an order, and it is likely a legend.

Three men are staggering through the scorching desert, parched and desperate. Just as they are about to collapse, they stumble upon a hidden, pristine oasis. Suddenly, a genie materializes from the mist above the water.

“Welcome, travelers,” the genie booms. “You have discovered the Oasis of Destiny. This magical pool will transform into whatever your heart desires. Simply sprint, leap, and shout your wish mid-air. But beware—you only get one jump each.”

The first man doesn’t waste a second. Thirsty beyond belief, he sprints toward the water, launches himself into the air, and screams, “Champagne!”

Splash! He plunges into a pool of the finest, bubbling Dom Pérignon. He drinks his fill, climbs out ecstatic, and the pool instantly reverts to crystal-clear water.

The second man, seeing his chance at a new life, takes a running start, leaps high into the air, and bellows, “Gold coins!”

Clank! He dives headfirst into a shimmering mountain of wealth, Scrooge McDuck-style. He stuffs his pockets, scrambles out laughing, and the pool turns back to water once more.

The third man is absolutely ecstatic. Grinning from ear to ear, he backs up to get a massive running start. He charges toward the oasis at full speed, visualizes his ultimate dream, and launches himself off the edge.

But right at the point of no return, his toe catches on a jagged rock. Flying face-first through the air, he panics and shrieks:

“Oh, crap!”

No kidding! That one explains EVERYTHING!!!

Arthur and Frank were sitting on their usual park bench, enjoying the afternoon sun, when Arthur noticed his old buddy kept subtly adjusting something in his right ear. It was a sleek, high-tech little device, barely visible.

Arthur nudged him. “Hey, Frank! I couldn’t help but notice… you finally went out and got yourself a new hearing aid, didn’t you?”

Frank turned his head, smiling proudly. “Oh, you bet I did! Best investment I’ve made in years. It uses artificial intelligence, suppresses background noise, and connects right to my television. It completely changed my life. I can hear a pin drop in the next room now.”

Arthur nodded, genuinely impressed. “Wow, that sounds top-of-the-line. What kind is it?”

Frank proudly checked his wrist and said, “It’s a quarter to three.”

A guy settles into his front-row seat at the World Cup final, buzzing with excitement. He looks to his left and notices the seat next to him is completely empty.

Leaning over to the man on the other side of the empty chair, he says, “Man, this is incredible. Who in their right mind leaves a seat vacant for the World Cup final?”

The neighbor sighs heavily. “Well, actually, that was my wife’s seat. We bought these tickets together. We’ve been to every final for the last twenty years, but she recently passed away.”

The guy feels an immediate wave of guilt. “Oh, man, I am so sorry. That’s heartbreaking. But… couldn’t you have given the ticket to a friend, or a cousin, or someone else in the family?”

The widower shakes his head. “I tried. But they all insisted on going to the funeral.”

I’m pretty sure I used to live near this sign when I was stationed at Holloman AFB in New Mexico. Right next to White Sands Missile Range.

Now THAT’S a movie remake I’d watch!

Yes!

Here’s my sign!

This dog has been training my dogs!

Amen! Folks, I see it every week in the jail!

That is just wrong … in so many ways!

I’ve always said that when I retire, I’m going to travel. Just never expected it would be mostly to the doctors!

Outstanding!

I think that is an absolutely marvelous idea. The problem is, the person who wrote this has no idea how expensive a case of MREs are. The way he has it set up, that’s about $100 a case or $800 per person per month. According to Google, the max EBT per month for a single person is $298. Why 8 cases per month? Our military members are made to survive on two MREs a day. 30 days in a month, that’s 2 1/2 cases a month, not 8. That’s $250 a month and that’s a plan I can definitely get behind.

And that’s it my friends. I hope you had as much fun reading this as I had putting it together. Until Monday …