Dragon Laffs #1485

Dragon Laffs 1

Good Morning Campers,Welcome to camp

Today is Sunday.  Almost a week before this issue will be posted.  I’m trying to be good and get this started early, instead of just waiting to the last minute.  So…this is me starting early.

Today was my only day off this week and I spent just about the whole day on yard work.  Not only did it wear me out, but I’ve put such a strain on my back that I can barely move this evening.  I’ll bet tomorrow will be LOTS of fun.

Speaking of tomorrow, there may be some relief in sight.  My pain doctor is going to give me a deep spine injection to try and calm my back down a little bit.  I hope so, cause the pain meds sure ain’t cuttin’ it right now.  We’ll see.

Well, as you’re reading this, tomorrow has already happened five days ago!  So, for me writing to you, it’s not for another 21 hours, but for you it was five days in the past.  That is so cool!  So tell me…how did it go?  Did the injection work?  I hope so.  It’s been pretty hit and miss in the past when I’ve gotten one of these.

Anyway, long hard day, what do you say we start laughing a little bit?  Yup, sounds like a plan to me!let's laugh

1942

I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, “what brings you in today?”  
I looked at her, and said, I’m interested in buying a refrigerator. She didn’t quite know how to respond. Am I getting to be that age?  
1943


I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!  

1944

When people see a cat’s litter box they always say, ‘Oh, have you got a cat?’ 
Just   once I want to say, ‘No, it’s for company!’  

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency.   
I think you should write, ‘An ambulance.’  Or a doctor!  

 

1945

So, I got my shot this afternoon…I’m not overly impressed so far.  I hope to goodness I’m feeling better tomorrow than I am now. Right now, everything just friggin’ hurts, so I’m going to call it a night early tonight and get some sleep so that maybe I can get up for work tomorrow and go to my next appointment tomorrow…the foot doctor who (you remember the movie) pulled half my nail off.

I’m freaking falling apart.  LOL!

1946

Dragon

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This was a gift from an avid reader.

Real quick update…Tuesday Morning…woke up this morning and everything felt pretty good!  Gonna take this baby out for a drive and see how the back holds up.  Plus, I’ve got dart league tonight.

1947

Ain’t that the truth!

Breaking News

I saw this headline and I just had to share it…

PRO-HILLARY PAC ENLISTS INTERNET TROLLS TO ATTACK NEGATIVE COMMENTS ABOUT HER ON SOCIAL MEDIA
Trolls, they’re not just under bridges in fairy tales. They are everywhere on the internet. Now, a pro-Hillary Clinton SuperPAC is spending $1 million to attack negative comments on social media and, no doubt, sites like this one.
That really figures!  Hillary is such a lying truthful conniving um…sweet bitch beauty queen … what are you doing?
Trying to get a piece of that $1 million.  It’s not like you pay me well.
Terrence, they are looking for internet trolls, you’re a REAL troll.
So, shouldn’t that give me an advantage?
Quite possibly in the world of Hillary, but you don’t do it by crossing out my words in editing and putting in your own.  It means going to different websites and writing why she’s a better candidate than anyone else.
But she’s not.
So, you see the problem?
Stupid internet.

Politicians5k5l5mThis next one is so good!  And I’ve gotten this one about a dozen times from you guys.
5n5uOh my goodness, ain’t that the ever-lovin’ truth!!!
Dammit Terrence!  Stop already!

5v

The very first time I’m standing outside the ladies room, waiting for my wife or daughter to come out and some guy goes in because he “thinks he should have been born with a pussy and wasn’t” him and I are BOTH going to the hospital.  He’ll be going flat out on a stretcher and I’ll be going to get my size ten and a half boot back when they surgically remove it from his ass!  Although I might just let him keep it as a reminder of the penalty for a first offense.

2

It’s Friday morning.  How time flies when you’re…well…working all week isn’t really “fun” but I’ve kinda grown accustomed to the finer things in life.
Like some place to sleep at night without fear of someone recycling my house when I’m away.
Like luxury items like electricity, heat, food.
Oh…wait…I know how I can do both!  I know how I can really have fun every week by not having to work so hard and by having all the money and luxury items I want!
I GOT A PLAN!
We need to elect a democrat!  Then everything will be free for everyone!
Then everything will be free for everyone!
Then everything will be free for everyone!
Why don’t I hear cheering from you guys?

Okay now look.  I was being obtuse to prove a point.  How can any thinking or even semi thinking person believe this crap?  This is really easy.

For one person to get something for free that they didn’t work for, someone else has to work for something that they didn’t get.  Unless we start throwing magic around or plant that “Free Shit” Tree, it can’t last for long!

Anyway, got to get ready to go to work.  You guys keep reading and we’ll meet up for the finale tonight.

1948

I wish my wallet came with free-refills!

1949

A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at ”Lovers’ Cove” where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty well and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go to the back seat.
 
”No!” said the blonde.
 
The guy just figured that she wasn’t ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would ask again.
 
”NO!” yelled the blonde again.
 
Things got even hotter and the blonde was down to her bra and the guy even had his pants unzipped.
 
”Do you wanna go to the back seat now?” asked the guy, in a hopeful tone.
 
”For the last time, NO!” said the blonde.
Frustrated, the guy asked, ”Well, why the heck not??”
 
The blonde looked at him and said, ”Because I want to stay here with you!

 

 

Movie

As seems to be the case lately, I’ve already gotten a large submission of videos for inclusion in this issue, and it’s only Monday!! Let’s start with this one and I must caution you, don’t try this at home, kids.

 

Okay, after this one on YouTube there is a TON more by the same guys.  And they’re all a bit strange, but really fun to watch.

This one is awesome!  How many of the stars can you name?

What a beautiful rendition.  I imagine the Duke is rolling over in his grave because of how Hollywood is today with all the left wing, socialist morons there now.

And this last one is one of my favorite outtakes from one of my favorite shows…

 

1950

A  lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”
“Sure,” answered the lady, “do you need a lift?”
“Not for me.  I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.  My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo.  They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day.  Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?  I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.”
“I’d be happy to,” said the lady.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!  There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.  With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
“What are you doing here?” he demanded!  “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.”
“Yes, I know you did,” said the lady.  “But we had money left over so now we’re going to Sea World.”

 

Fantasy

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LUNCH TIME!!!!!

1951

A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”
He answered, “Call for backup.”

 

Motivate

Keystone_Samurai

KFC

Khol's does what

Kids

killemall

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the  flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.
 
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
 
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
 
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.  And as I played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my

heart was full.
 
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen anything like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
 
Apparently, I’m still lost….it’s a man thing.
1952

 

Did you know that if you put your ear up against a stranger’s leg you can hear, “What the fuck are you doing?”

1953

 

A middle-aged frumpy couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the
salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful,
leggy, busty blonde.
“I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $75,000
asking price,” said the man. “Yet I just heard you close the deal for
$65,000  to the lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no
discount on this model.”
“Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at  her,
how could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman.
Just then the young woman approached the middle-aged couple and gave them
the keys.”There you go,” she said. “I told you I would get the dope to reduce it.
See you later, dad.”

1954

1955

1956

1957

Okay, so that last line was completely unnecessary.

Funny as hell, but unnecessary.

1958

Well, I came home from work today (Friday) not feeling very well, so I’m going to end this here and wish you all a wonderful weekend.

Cheers Impish

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Leprechaun Laughs # 340 for Wednesday 4/27/2016

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Originally when I crafted this opening banner I was talking about Tax Season and my busy time of the year working. I had planned on a well deserved glass of a new (to me) Irish Whiskey that Molly had discovered as well as what Impish would term a ‘smoky treat’ while lounging in comfort on my patio and reading solely for enjoyment.

Yeah, right. It wound up being Memorial Day Weekend 2015 all over again plus some. I can only imagine what it would have been like were it not for the drainage improvements made here during the last year. MY guess- I’d be writing this from some Red Cross supplied motel room.

Rain fell in two main waves: the first storm system paused over the area late on April 17, and the second moved slowly across the region early on April 18. For storms like this one to form, conditions in the atmosphere have to come together in just the right way. A bubble of high pressure blocked the eastward advance of a low pressure system and caused storm systems to stall. Fed by moisture moving north from the Gulf of Mexico, thunderstorms grew over Texas and delivered the intense rainfall.

On April 18, a record was set at George Bush Intercontinental Airport—Houston’s official observation site since 1969. According to the National Weather Service, ground-based measurements indicate that 9.92 inches fell on that day, breaking the record of 8.16 inches set in 1976. It also made April 2016 the wettest April ever measured at that site.

And yet its still not over.

Its over a week later and everything still isn’t finally over. As I write this on Tuesday afternoon, we’re expecting more rain in the form of Thunder Storms tonight and into the day tomorrow with no clear indication at present of how much we can expect to receive. Rain and showers have been on our forecast at least every other days since. On average we receive and 1/8th to 1/4 inch with each successive rain fall.

Early the morning of the 18th we began to see wet carpet in our home office which I now share with Molly as her studies are demanding a more formal setting for her to work in as opposed to her preferred Lap top and lazy boy with cat on her thigh location for studying. Anything that could be damaged by water was moved out or moved to higher ground atop furniture in the room. Then at approximately 4 Am we saw (or actually couldn’t see because the power went out) the flooding start to show in Molly’s bathroom as well.

Brief power outages of up to an hour are not a rare occurrence in our neck of the woods, however the 30 hours sans power was a rare occurrence. It was the longest we’ve been with out power since the 62 hours we went without during Hurricane Ike. We lost everything in the freezer (which was dead full) and refrigerator.

Wet feet, cold showers,  no hot meals from lack of power and already being in a run down condition meant that both Molly and I came down with what Molly’s Doctor said was a severe cold and my called a slight upper respiratory infection. Remember our office flooded Monday at 4Am; due to the lack of power and difficulty getting around (The Mayor had placed a Bann on being on streets unless it was absolutely necessary and Molly stayed home Monday as getting to work for her was a gamble due to rising flood waters) we saw no one from property management until later in the afternoon Tuesday when the came thru to do a damage assessment  and it was late Wednesday before we got our carpet dried out.

Mean time my condition despite medication continued to worsen until my Doctor and Molly in a combine front gave me the ultimatum of complete bed rest or hospitalization. Honestly I’m so sick of being sick and run down that I’ve ordered a box of Irish Flu shots:

Irish Flu Shot

ANYWAYS- From Wednesday afternoon  until  today (Tuesday the 26th) I was on complete bed rest (not more than 4 hours in 24 out of bed), which at first came easy.

However the cold/respiratory infection eventually made sleeping difficult and after a while even the most perfect and comfortable of beds becomes its own torture to your back and hips.

As of today however I’m allowed to be up for up to 12 hours as long as I’m not over taxing myself, which trust me is really easy to do. Clearing out the dish drainer while getting some lunch led to 2 hours resting on the couch with my eyes closed more than open reading.

Speaking of taxing myself, enough of my talking lets get this issue started before it’s any later shall we?

TEam USa Lets Roll

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Greenspoint area which they had to evacuate.

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Not sure where this one was taken but a lot of people used their boats to help rescue the stranded.

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This is down near Rice University which was forced to cancel classes for 2 days. Though the parking lot appears flooded to a depth of about 2 feet here thankfully for these kids the Drive Thru is apparently still open.

Stevie Ray Vaughan Texas Flood Live!

 

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BURKAS IN SOUTH TEXAS

I took down my Rebel flag (which you can’t buy on ebay any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off the front window.

I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.

I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on ebay) and ran it up the flag pole

Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I’ve NEVER felt safer and I’m saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.

Plus, I bought burkas for Molly and I to wear when we shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way and security can’t pat us down.

Hot Damn — Safe at last — Ain’t America great or what?

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BReaking News Special Announcement

LL PSA Banner

RECALL: Takata Airbags, Everything You Need to Know Including Full List of Affected Vehicles

A massive nationwide airbag recall impacts U. S. vehicles.

Takata air bags installed in tens of millions of U.S. vehicles are subject to recall due to a safety defect that may cause their inflators to explode and cause serious injuries or deaths. If your car or truck is included in this list of affected vehicles below, contact your dealer for the appropriate repair. This site will be updated as necessary to ensure that affected vehicle owners are informed.

The head of the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration says more data is needed before a massive recall of Takata airbags is expanded.

Earlier, NHTSA officials had stated that an additional 85 million bags may need to be recalled. More than million vehicles have already been recalled due to faulty Takata airbags.

Everything you need to know. Includes list of affected models.
http://www.emergencyemail.org/newsemergency/anmviewer.asp?a=5479&z=62

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Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.

“Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” she asks, “Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Thelma’s father thinks a bit then says “No, I don’t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?”

“The whole Isis group,” she says.

“Why them,” her father asks in shock?

“Well,” she says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give them a valentine, they might start to think that maybe  we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to them, they’d love everyone a lot. And then they’d start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved them and how they didn’t hate anyone anymore.”

Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. “Thelma, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard. ”

“I know,” Thelma says, “and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of them.” [Can’t help but love a kid with a firm grasp of strategy and tactics!]

 

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Musical Highway

 

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. . . Complete and Finished . . .

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is NO difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Here is his astute answer: “When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED and when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!

He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch!

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SCREW the Syrians! What have they ever done for the US except be Terrorists and harbor anti US sentiment ? Give the homes to our homeless Vets and let the Syrians have the homeless Vet’s boxes and park benches!

I’m the Lethal Leprechaun and I didn’t just approve this message, I wrote the bloody message!

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http://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/arthur-anderson-voice-lucky-charms-leprechaun-dead-n555301

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Many years ago during his first marriage days, Impish accidentally overturned his golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: “Are you okay? What’s your name?”

“It’s Impish, and I’m okay, thanks,” he replied as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart.

“Impish,” she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) “forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”

“That’s mighty nice of you,” he answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like it.”

“Oh, come on now,” Elizabeth insisted.

She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive … Impish was well…Impish. “Well okay,” he finally agreed but thought to himself, “my wife won’t like it.”

After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, Impish thanked Elizabeth. “I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d best go now.”

“Don’t be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. “She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”

“Still under the cart, I guess.”

wasting-time

Golf Trick Shots | Dude Perfect

Well I think that’s about my limit for this for this week. I’ve just enough time for a quick nap before Molly gets home so I can spend a little time with her. Besides, I’m being threatened by Ninja Kitties:

get treats or else

claddah closing

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Dragon Laffs #1484

Header1484

Good Morning Campers,

It’s Friday, it’s late and I have to work in the morning.  I know, it sounds like the story of my life.

Lots of stuff happened this week.  Late breaking was of course the death of Prince at the age of 57.  The last thing I heard was that they had done an autopsy on him and were still going over the results.  Foul play?  Who knows.  It certainly wouldn’t surprise me.

Mass shootings, Houston under water, poor Lethal not only not feeling well, but preparing for the flood waters and losing power for close to a day and a half all together.

It’s been crazy.  Truly a crazy week.

We really need to laugh.

In a bad way.

Lets laugh

1911

Oh Lord, I’ve been there so often!  As we get older we … um … we … er …. what was I saying?

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.

 

They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

 

On the way home he stopped at the Hardware Store and bought a bucket, and a gallon of paint.  He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.  However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.

 

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.  She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane .

 

The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house.  I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’

 

The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket.

 

Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’

 

‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl  home.

 

On the way, he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley.  We’ll be there in no time.’

 

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.  How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’

 

The farmer said, ‘Holy Smokes lady!  I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose.  How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’

 

The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.

 

1912

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and asked his father when they’d be able to have a discussion about using the car.
 
His father said he’d make a deal with his son. “You need to bring your grades up from a C to a B-average, study the Bible, and get a haircut. Then we’ll talk about the car.’
 
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they came to an agreement.
After about six weeks, his father said: “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying the Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t cut your hair yet.”
 
The boy said: “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair – and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair!”
 
The dad nods wisely, then leans over and whispers to his son:
 
Did you also notice they walked everywhere?

 

1913

 

Dragons

Spangler1

1914

Groan

Fair warning has been given!

A mother complained to her doctor about her daughter’s strange eating habits. “All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?”

“Eventually” said the doctor, “she will rise and shine!”

 

1915

K2 sent me a funny little piece that partly said that it is illegal to cry on the stand (in court) in Los Angeles.  I thought that was a bit odd, so I wasn’t going to post it here until I at least did a cursory check on line.  And I found this great article on the Los Angeles DUI Lawyer web page.

7 Laws You Didn’t Know You Were Breaking

Los Angeles Crosswalk ticketBreaking a law you don’t know about is rather easy to do, and ignorance of the law is no defense – or is it? This statement is based on the idea that the laws might be inherently wrong (rape, murder, robbery, etc.) or that the individual knew the act was illegal and engaged in it anyway. The problem is that many of today’s laws are not inherently wrong. This led to a Supreme Court ruling, in Bouie v. City of Columbia,that the constitutional doctrine of “fair notice” applied. This makes it mandatory for the government to “give warning of the conduct it makes a crime.” Technically, this means that ignorance of the law may be a valid defense.

These Laws Are on the Books!

It’s no secret that there are hundreds of old and outdated laws that are still on the books. These aren’t the laws we are talking about. These are laws that are currently still being enforced in Los Angeles and the surrounding area.

  1. Trimming a shrub or tree that is on public property can result in a fine and jail time. This happened in Ocean Beach to Juvenico Adame when he was charged with “defacement, damage, and destruction” of public property valued at $400 or more. He simply trimmed a bush that was overhanging his property – something that an average citizen does all the time.
  2. Most Los Angelenos know that jaywalking is illegal, but it might come as a shock to find out how strict the enforcement has become. Just stepping off of the curb while the countdown clock ticks could result in a ticket costing between $190 and $250.
  3. Are you promoting a yard sale? Better make sure your Mylar balloons are tied down tightly. Releasing more than one Mylar or foil balloon into the air is a crime. According to ordinance 11.69.010, it is unlawful to allow one or more metallic balloons to float, rise, or remain aloft outdoors at a height of five feet or more for any advertising, promotional, or commercial purpose.
  4. Los Angeles isn’t just cracking down on yard maintenance, walking, and balloons. The city, in LAMC Section 56.16, has also made it illegal to “play ball or any game of sport with a ball or football or throw, cast, shoot, or discharge any stone, pellet, bullet, arrow, or any other missile, in, over, across, along, or upon any street or sidewalk or in any public park, except on those portions of said park set apart for such purposes.” Indeed, that makes it clear that you may not participate in anything fun on the sidewalk or in the park (unless you are on the correct field).
  5. If you thought Los Angeles was soft on skateboarders and roller-bladers while sticking it to kids playing ball, nope. It is illegal to skateboard and roller-skate through the courthouse and library. There is a law prohibiting these activities at the 200 West Compton Boulevard Courthouse and the 240 West Compton Boulevard Library (Ord. 2001-0015 § 1 (part), 2001.17.20.010).
  6. Of course, there are old laws that are just as bad, including one that prohibits bathing two babies in the same tub at the same time. There is no provision for twins. So, if you are unlucky enough to have had twins and used the same tub to bathe them at the same time, yes, you have broken the law!
  7. If you are taken to court over one of these issues, don’t you dare cry on the stand – you’ll just make things worse for yourself. It is illegal to cry on the witness stand in any state case in Los Angeles.

Of course, now that you’ve read this page, you can’t use the ignorance-of-the-law defense! I’m sorry about that. But at least you know that these laws do exist and that the LAPD is enforcing them.

By Ted Burgess

1916

 

Fantasy

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So many different ways I could humorously describe this picture…so many ways that would get me in deep trouble with Ginny or Diaman…I’ll just let it go.

1917

ARCHITECT: Defines someone who was neither macho enough to become an engineer nor gay enough to become a designer.

BANKER: Someone who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and takes it back when it starts to rain.

Budget: A method of worrying before you spend as well as afterward.

CONSULTANT: Someone who uses your wife’s watch, tells you the time, and then charges you for it.

Critic: A legless man who teaches running.

DANCING: The vertical frustration of a horizontal desire.

DENTIST: A magician who puts metal into your mouth, and pulls coins out of your pocket.

DIPLOMAT: Someone who tells you to go to hell in a way which makes you eager to start the journey.

Disarmament: An agreement between nations to scuttle all weapons that are obsolete.

ECONOMIST: An expert who will know tomorrow why that which he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

FRIEND: Definition of a person of the opposite sex who has that “Je ne sais quoi” which eliminates any desire to ever try and sleep with them..

HEADACHE: Method of contraception most widely used by women.

IMPATIENCE: Waiting in a hurry.

INTELLECTUAL: Someone capable of thinking for more than 2 hours about something other than sex.

Metallurgist: Someone who is allergic to iron.

Insurance: Paying for catastrophes on the installment plan.

Life Insurance; A contract that keeps you poor so you can die rich.

LOVE: Four-letter word, two vowels, two consonants and two idiots.

Pediatricians: Men of little patients

PESSIMIST: Optimist with experience

PITIFUL: Someone with an erection who walks into a wall and breaks his nose.

PROGRAMMER: Someone who fixes a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

PRIEST: Someone addressed by everyone as “Father” except his children who call him “uncle”.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Someone who looks at everyone else when an attractive woman enters the room.

TONGUE: Sexual organ which some degenerates use for the purpose of speech.

MONOGAMY: Repressed polygamy.

NANOSECOND: Fraction of time which occurs between the lights turning green and the car behind honking its horn.

NYMPHOMANIAC: Term applied by men to any woman who wants sex more than he does.

TEAMWORK: The possibility of putting the blame on others.

EASY: Term applied to any woman with the sexual morals of a man.

ETERNITY: Period of time which lasts from when you finished until when you leave her in her house.

HARDWARE: The part of the computer which you kick when the software malfunctions.

INTERVIEW: That which can be seen between the interviewee’s legs.

INDIFFERENCE: Attitude adopted by a woman towards a man in whom she has no interest; interpreted by the man as “playing hard to get”.

STATISTICIAN: Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an engineer.

 

1918

I’m not saying that the last cartoon is based off of something that Lethal Leprechaun once did, but …. if the shoe fits…

You guys know that I’ve complained many, many times about how much I hate flying commercial airlines.  And that I’ve been spoiled by my many years of flying on military aircraft, I found this graphic at our dear friends at Make Use Of and I have to tell you, I meet every single one of these characters at the airport every time I fly. 

1

The ones that bother me the most are the ones that block the main walk ways.  Really, Sunshine?  That’s where you’re going to have the long lost reunion with your dearest friend?  Same thing in the grocery store.  Two ladies with their carts parked side-by-side gabbing away, oblivious to the twenty-seven cart back up behind them.

1919

 

Movie Night

It seems that every week there are wonderful videos submitted by the best Campers in the world.  Dragon Laff Campers!  So, let’s jump right in with these strange cars.

And how about this behind the scenes look at some of our favorite commercial personalities:

And then there is this great video of impatient dogs:

One hundred drones with a live orchestra at an airport at night…oh…and did I mention…it’s a world record breaker?  You gotta see this one

So, every time I think I’m done with showing you guys videos, another one comes along that I get excited about.  With this one, I want you to see it because I WANT ONE!!

It looks like a blue high top sneaker with wheels

1934

Got a great, personal email from my dad…Papa Dragon Most Senior…I love it when I hear from my dad!  He always sends such loving, caring emails.  Let’s see what this one has to say…

Golfers are being kidnapped by Aliens!
This is one of the Alien Kidnappers who are kidnapping golfers.
001

Female aliens are invading the earth and kidnapping sexy, good looking men, who are good golfers.

You, personally, are not in any danger.

I just emailed you to say goodbye.

Wow!  Didn’t I tell you what great emails he …. wait … what?

1935

 

Here’s a great puzzle from Ginny…

Most (well some) of you will be able to solve this one without looking.
01a

If you think you’ve got it, or you give up, scroll down for the answer…but think outside the box before you give in.

arrow down 9

arrow down 9

01b

I know, right?  How many of you who didn’t get the right answer actually learned to drive on a stick….

Like me…

Sigh.

Politics

Time to bash the politicians again.
5d

I’m going with Shatner on this one.

5e

5f

So, that’s how he planned on getting those 10,000 Syrian refugees here.

5g

5h

No shit!  You don’t think we could make an impression if we wanted to?  Try taking them away from us and you’ll see EXACTLY what it looks like.

5i

5j

1936

1937

1938

No shit!!! What in the HELL were we thinking!?!

Motivational

This is always my favorite part…

juxtaposition

Karate

Karma

Karma2

Karma15

Keep your eye on the ball

1939

1940

1941

So, that’s all there is this week.  I hope you enjoyed the issue. Until next time.

Cheers

Impish Dragon

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Leprechaun Update

LL update Apr 2016

Hi!

This is Impish Dragon  bringing you a live update….okay, so not so live, but an update just the same…on our dear friend Lethal Leprechaun.  As many of you know, Lethal hales from the great state of Texas, specifically Houston.  And, as many of you also probably know, Houston has gotten over 18 inches of rain in the last 24 hours and close to 40 inches in the last two days.  Oh, and by the way, more rain is in the forecast.

Well, needless to say, our dear green one has been a bit more concerned with life and limb and not as concerned, rightfully so, with his normal Wednesday Leprechaun Laffs.  He got power back about noon on Tuesday, after being without for over 30 hours.  And he’s one of the lucky ones.  The news says that some people are still without power and maybe for several more days.

So…

No issue from Lethal.  Maybe not for a few days, maybe not until next week. 

I do know that if you send him well wishes through the comment section he will eventually read them.  Unlike sending email or text messages which may or may not ever get through.  The last we talked, we figured that about 40% of our texts were getting through on a timely basis.  Sometimes he would get several hours worth all at once and sometimes he wouldn’t get mine at all.  Same for the ones he sent to me.

So, to make up for your lack of a Leprechaun Laffs, I’m going to dump … or …. um … graciously send you some cartoons for your enjoyment.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

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4

1921

4s

1922

4t

1923

4u

1924

4v

1925

4w

1926

4x

1927

4y

1928

4z

Julie Newmar

Just Good Friends

just got a dodge

Just watching

Justin Bieber

1929

5a

1930

5b

1931

5c

I wanted so bad to get to this one cartoon, that I just kept adding cartoons until I got there.  It just really cracked me up.  Choking on her own Bullshit.  If only!  Anyway, one more cartoon and we’ll call it a day.  Remember to send those messages to Lethal through the comments section and be well until we meet again.

1932

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Dragon Laffs #1483

Header1483

                As you approach the campground where Impish normally has his Saturday gathering, you notice a new chain-link fence, with a turnstile opening and several guards posted.  The guards don’t appear to be checking on the people coming in, but instead, keep looking towards the mountain entrance like they are expecting somebody.  And by the not-so-subtle body language, it’s easy to see that they’re not looking forward to meeting whomever they seem to be waiting for.

                When you pass through the turnstile you see one of the Ninja Kitties that had gone unnoticed before.  It is sitting up on a little platform right inside the gate and was pushing its head up to the hand of one of the guards and purring contently.  But you also feel like the NK is more concerned with watching the area than the campers entering the park area or the guard absentmindedly rubbing his head.

                You follow along in line, right past the normal campground with the little hill and the small stage and follow the line into the woods.  You ask the person in front of you, “What’s going on?”

                “I’ve no idea.  I’m just following along with everyone else.”

                The camper in front of him, having heard the conversation, turns his head back briefly and says, “Yup.  That’s all we’re doing.  Following the one in front of us…just like Lemmings…or liberal democrats…serve us right to just drop off a cliff into the sea.”

                “Ah, yeah, thanks buddy,” you mumble as you walk deeper into the woods.

                After what seems like hours, but is probably much shorter than that, due to the terror invoked by these forests, which are reputed to be either haunted, containing monsters, full of liberal democrats, or magically protected in their own right, you finally arrive at a clearing that looks almost identical to the normal location for Dragon Laffs.

                Up on the makeshift stage, The Great Blue One himself is there in his little dragon form. He is waving everyone to come and sit down and he’s shushing to get the crowd to stay quiet.  Once they are all seated he says in a loud stage whisper, “I’m glad you all could make it this morning, I have a couple of announcements and then we’ll jump right into today’s issue.  You may be wondering why we are not in our usual location, why there were armed guards at the gate, why we’re hidden away in the Tmavé Lesy, why we are being so quiet, why…”

                “Perhaps you ought to just get to it.” Diaman gently chides our blue dragon.

                “Right, right you are dear one. Well, to put a not to subtle twist on the facts, Lethal Leprechaun is sick.  I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking, ‘Isn’t Lethal always a little sick?  I mean, come on…his name is LETHAL Leprechaun, isn’t that a little indicative of … er … something?’ Well, I’m not talking about that kind of sick.  I’m saying the green one is more green than usual, he’s medically ill, unhealthy.”

                “Do you guys not remember back to just this past Wednesday where the Ninja Kitties …” And as if summoned by the mere mentioning of their name, Brutus leaps up from the ground, where he had stalked invisibly to right below the podium, and leaps up to the table top and begins whispering in Impish’s ear.

                “Okay, green alert everybody, Lethal has gotten through the guards we left at the original campsite.  Brutus, remind me to make sure their families are duly compensated.  He can be here any minute.  All of you campers need to appear as if you’ve been reading today’s issue all along and that you haven’t seen me nor the girls.  Diaman, Ginny, you’re with me.  I understand Miss Friday is hidden away in her secret scramble hole, so we are off to Playtime Mountain and into one of the luxury bolt-holes there, where we should be safe.  At least for a day or two.”

                “I hope you enjoy the issue and …” Screaming and cursing in Gaelic can be hurt in the distance along with the sounds of trees being uprooted and thrown.  “…and it’s time for us to go.”

                You watch as Impish turns into Big Blue, kneels so that Ginny and Diaman can climb aboard and then he leaps into the air, down stroking with his huge leathery wings and flies away in the opposite direction from where the sounds are coming from.

                Not moments later, Lethal Leprechaun bursts from the tree line, looking down at what appears to be a cell phone with a different screen and many different buttons than a normal cell phone.  “Dammit all, it says he’s bloody gone!  Again!  I just need to tell him that I’m …”  Looking up, Lethal seems to notice you for the first time. 

                “Oh, hello there.  What are you all … is this where that great blue lizard moved Dragon Laffs to?”  Nobody says a word, but there are many head nods and the sounds of throat gulping.

                “Oh bloody hell!  He’s running from me, isn’t he?”  Again, just the nodding of heads, most of them now.

                “Did anybody see which way he went?”  In complete silence all hands point in the opposite direction from which Lethal appeared.

                “And the girls?  Ginny and Diaman?”  Again, all hands point without a word being spoken.

                “Well damn!”  Lethal lifts his wrist and speaks into either his watch or his shirt sleeve, “No, he’s gone.  Fetch the helicopter and meet me at clearing L3.  I say again, extraction at L3.  Leprechaun Actual out.”

                He then turns to all of you, before stalking back into the forest and says, “Well go on with the lot of you.  Don’t you have an ezine to read?!”

 

Good Morning Campers,

Well, I did end up making it home.  It was a whole lot more of a pain in the ass than I thought it would be.  My original plans were for a plane from Wichita to Chicago at 3 pm, get into Chicago at 415 pm, leave Chicago at 445 pm and be in Indianapolis about 7 pm.  That would’ve put me home about 9:30 pm or so.

Since I’m writing this from hiding, earlier in the week, I can safely take the time to tell you what really happened.  So, without any further ado, Here’s what did happen.  We got to the Wichita airport a couple of hours early, just like we were supposed to, then we find out that our plane to Chicago was delayed coming from Chicago because of the ice and snow in Chicago.  We managed to arrive in Chicago just about 15 minutes after our connecting flight left.  Was there another flight right away?  Yup, there sure was!  Woo Hoo!  Did they have room for us?  Oh, hell no! 

We now have a 3 1/2 hour wait in Chicago and to make a long story short, we didn’t get into Indianapolis until about midnight and it was after 2 am Saturday morning before I got home and I had to be back to work at 6 am.  I know that there are some of you out there saying, “Why did you have to be to work at 6 am? Couldn’t someone else have done it?”

Well, no.  The only two people who could’ve done it are me and my boss.  The same two people who didn’t get home until after 2 am.  So, we were both really tired and there by 6 am.

Okay, so now I’m worn out just talking about my trip, so this is where you guys start reading.

Let's Laugh

3c

I will really use this one!  Get a twenty-sided dice (each column has 18 items) if you roll a 19 or a 20 on any of the three dice then you have to go to the event without an excuse.  So, here’s my first excuse:
I can’t go to the movies with you this weekend because my drug dealer might be the Blair Witch and I need to watch all of the “Pirates of the Caribbean” movies.
Okay, so that was really fun!
I really wanted to go to the meeting but Kate Upton ate a piece of chalk and I want to fight my dad.
Okay, not really.  I don’t to fight my dad, he’ll kick my ass!  He didn’t get to be Papa Dragon Most Senior for nuthin’!

Hmm, Mrs. Dragon just told me that she can’t have sex with me tonight because “My High School Principal put a spider in my mouth while I was sleeping and I just want to die.” Sounds plausible I guess. 

1899

Dragon Pix

snow globe gold

Here’s another of those dragon snow globes that we supposedly sell in our gift shop.  I say supposedly because I have still been unable to find it.  All the girls say it’s here, but I can’t seem to locate it.

1900

That’s a MUCH better price than I get for porn on the internet.

9m

1901

9n

1902

9o

1903

Pestering Politicians

As we draw closer and closer to the elections, I have to say that I am getting more and more of these p0litical cartoons that I need to share.  So, I’m going to make this section a bit longer today so I can get rid of … I mean share …more pictures with you.

4k

4l

4m

4n

4o

4p

4q

4r

Okay, just put a little dent in the number of political pictures and cartoons I have.  Maybe I’ll throw a few more in before the end.

So, let’s go back to laughing again.

1904

9p

1905

Fantasy

f2010042503

Isn’t this cool?  This is a recruiting poster for our in-house security team.  Makes guarding a cave for two mythical creatures seem really exciting, doesn’t it?

1906

9q

1907

 

Movie Night

You know that I always try to put some humorous videos here, under this category, but sometimes I just have to show you something…else.  This first video will piss you off until the very end and then you will cheer for New Yorkers.

One of the biggest surprises in that video were the number of people who were willing to take that girl away and protect her.  YOU GO NEW YORK!!

 

I love a good prank.  And this one is one of the best!

 

And this next one will just make you smile.

Okay, last video for today…or at least for now.  I love watching things in slow motion and the slo-mo guys love it too.

1908

Yes, but you can only imagine the fantastic life and unbelievable potential you have in front of you between now and then.

9r

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9s

Critter

a29

a30

a31

a32

a33

There have been times in my life where I would have gladly laid my head on the same pillow as this little guy seems to have found.

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9t

100

I’m not going to tell you which of our favorite girls sent me that last one.  Hee, Hee, Hee!

 

Motivational

John  Deere14

John Cleese

You have to be a Monty Python fan to get that one!

John McCain

John Murtha's Contribution

Johnny5

Joker

I saved this for the end, cause I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.  It’s a crappy topic but something we all need to talk about.  Today is April16th and Monday, the 18th, is the last day to….

gulp…..

file your taxes!  So, let’s try to celebrate Tax Day with a little humor:
Tax day

001tax1

1

47

438

irs

taxtime

TAX-day-CI

Last Word

How about if we end this issue with a look at how great this country not only could be, but has been!

Carefully study this artwork. Then, read what we did.
Not only is the picture awesome, but so are the statistics!001a
During the 3-1/2 years of World War II that started with the Japanese bombing of Pearl Harbor in December of 1941 and ended with the surrender of Germany and Japan in 1945,
“We the People of the U.S.A. ” produced the following:
22 aircraft carrier
8 battleships
48 cruisers
349 destroyers
420 destroyer escorts
203 submarines
34 million tons of merchant ships
100,000 fighter aircraft
98,000 bombers
24,000 transport aircraft
58,000 training aircraft
93,000 tanks
257,000 artillery pieces
105,000 mortars
3,000,000 machine guns and
2,500,000 military trucks
We put 16.1 million men in uniform in the various armed services, invaded Africa, invaded Sicily and Italy, won the battle for the Atlantic, planned and executed D-Day, marched across the Pacific and Europe, developed the atomic bomb and, ultimately, conquered Japan and Germany.
It’s worth noting that during the almost exact amount of time, the Obama Administration couldn’t even build a web site that worked!

cheers

Impish Dragon

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