Dragon Laffs #1662

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Good Morning Campers,

If you can’t tell by the above picture, I’m pissed off!  And if you can’t figure out why, let me tell you.

Five police officers were asked to leave a Starbucks because some friggin’ dust bunny complained that they “did not feel safe” with the officers present.  The store employee told the officers that they either needed to move out of the line of sight of the complaining customer or leave the store entirely.  The employee asked the officers to move or leave instead of telling the complaining customer to grow up or leave themselves.4b 

Does that mean that I can walk into any Starbucks, point someone out, say I “don’t feel safe” with that person there and the store will ask them to leave or move out of my sight?  OF COURSE FUCKING NOT!!!!! 

So, why does some dust bunny get away with it when it’s five cops?

It’s pure bullshit.  And some of the officers were veterans!  So now I’m REALLY pissed off!

And this is not the first time that this company has done stupid shit like this.  Two black men arrested because they were waiting for their friend to get off work, the refusal of service complaints go from 12 deaf people to a Marine. 

These elitist snobs need to be taken to task and the best way to do that is for all of us to never cross the threshold of one of their stores, to never give another of our hard earned dollars to them…THAT is the best way to handle THAT.

Okay, rant over…

Let's Laugh1

5497

Our entire universe is probably in a tiny glass jar somewhere, placed on a shelf in an alien child’s room as a science fair project that got a C-.

5498

Alcohol may not solve your problems, but neither will water or milk.

5499

5500

Ban pre-shredded cheese…make America Grate again.

5501

I’ve decided to add “extensive experience in dealing with stupid people” to my resume.  That has GOT to be a marketable skill.

7

And you gotta be from Jersey to understand.

5502

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight. ‘Would you like dinner?’, the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
‘What are my choices?’ John asked.
‘Yes or no,’ she replied.

5503

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.’

5504

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ‘ Do these turkeys get any bigger?’
The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead …..’

5505

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

5506

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’
The truck driver says, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.’

5507

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. ‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’
A smart ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’ The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, ‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’

5508

There is no life without water.  Because without water, there is no coffee.  And without coffee I’d kill you all.

5509

Do you know why nobody has ever overdosed on marijuana?

Because if you laid out 100 joints and a lighter, and told someone to try and smoke them all, by the 4th joint they’ve already lost the lighter, ordered pizza, cuddled with their dog, and fell asleep.

5510

Who wants to open a doughnut shop next to a medical marijuana place and call it “Glazed and Confused”?

5511

I come from Jersey where “keep talking” means you better shut the fuck up.

5512

This is so my house:

Me: Alexa, remind me to go to the gym.

Alexa: I have added Gin to the shopping list.

5513

When I was a young boy, I read this book about a quarterback.  I was probably less than ten years old and I can remember staying up all night to finish the book.  It was the impetus to me being a lifelong Green Bay Packer fan.  And now that great man has died and he will be sorely missed.

7a

Rest easy my friend.

5514

I hate it when healthy me does the grocery shopping, because now fat me needs a snack.

5515

I wasn’t sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and shit myself.

5516

Politics

6

Hell yes, we have!  And we’ll do it again!!

6a

6b

6d

6e

6f

5517

7b

5518

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

5519

motivate

shotgun

Shotgun2

Showin_ya

Showing Off

Si Vis

Silence

simplicity

simpsons

Situational Awareness

Size

5520

5521

5522

5523

5524

5525

5526

5527

And with that lovely image, we’ll call this an issue!

Thanks for your attention. 

Cheers, my dear, dear friends.

Impish Dragon

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Dragon Laffs #1661

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Good Morning Campers,

Yes!  You are actually really getting two issues this week!  Holy crap!  It’s happening!  Hell has frozen over, the world is coming to an end, and Martha Stewart is going to jail!  Oh shit, never mind.  That last one actually happened.

Okay, so let’s get to the laughing part and we’ll get to the update part throughout…hopefully.

Let's Laugh1

5473

I wish more people were fluent in Silence.

5474

Did a cartwheel the other day, thinking it’s like riding a bike.

 

It’s not.

5475

Okay, that was horrible.

“How can you sleep at night knowing people don’t like you?”

With no underwear in case they want to kiss my ass.

5476

Every morning I long to hold you.

I need you.

I want you.

I have to have you.

Your warmth,

Your smell,

Your taste….

Oh Coffee, I love you!!!

5477

40a

7

I’ve been hiding from exercise.

 

I’m in the fitness protection program.

 

5478

Okay, so how about we do some of these next:
Poke Politician

6

6a

6b

6c

6d

 

5479

I’m lonely because I got into an argument with the voices in my head today, and now we aren’t talking to each other any more.

5480

I hear someone screaming!

That’s the last time I buy duct tape at the dollar store!

5481

A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the highway.

Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.

5482

Do you ever feel like your body’s “check engine” light has been on and you’re still driving it like, “Nah, it’ll be fine”?

5483

The turtle can breath through its ass.
Humans have not yet reached this stage of evolution, although many have learned to talk through it.

5484

Okay, and now, let’s do some of these…

motivate

Shaq

sharia (2)

She Starts

Shhhhh

shit

shit2

Shitting Bricks

Shocking

shoot for the moon

Shoryuken

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70 mph.

5485

A woman goes into a shop and asks for a maternity bra.

The assistant asks, “What bust?”

She says, “The fucking condom!”

5486

7a

So, seriously…..WTF????!!!
7b

My doctor told me to start killing people.

 

Well, not in those exact words.  He said I had to reduce the stress in my life.  Same thing.

5487

My Four Moods:

1. I need coffee

2. I need a nap

3. I need a vacation

4. I need duct tape, rope, and a shovel

5488

Cable repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was.  I told him it is between 8 am and 1 pm.

5489

My head hurts.  I think my horns are coming in.

5490

When I was young, I was scared of the dark.  Now, when I see my electric bill, I am scared of the lights.

5491

We haven’t seen any new Bigfoot pictures in quite a while…

I hope he’s okay.

5492

The best things about the good old days was that I wasn’t good and I wasn’t old.

5493

critter

a9

a10

a11

a12

a13

a14

5494

7c

Okay, so that last one was an old one, but Mrs. Dragon laughed so hard, I just had to include it in today’s issue.

5495

7e

5496

And that my friends completes another issue of your favorite ezine.

Until next week.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

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Dragon Laffs #1660–Independence Day

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Hi ya Campers!

Happy Independence Day!  Happy 4th of July!  Happy Birthday America!

4th of July 2

4th of July 3

4th of july

So, it’s Independence Day, and I hope that all of you are having a wonderful holiday!  Please take the time to enjoy yourselves and your families.  For those of you who are working today, Policemen, Firemen, Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, Marines, Doctors, Nurses, Retailers, (okay, this is getting out of hand), thank you for giving up your holiday for the rest of us. 

24vplpx

6m

jet plane flag

7

download

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eagle4

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GodBlessAmerica

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Happy 4th of July

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red white and blue ribbon

Did you guys see this crazy shit?
7a

Five feet of hail in Guadalajara, Mexico!!!!! FIVE FEET OF HAIL!!!  HAIL!  FIVE FEET!  Global warming, my ass!!!!

red, white and blue banner

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rockets

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sparklers

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stands

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wall_big5

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wall_big7

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wall_big8

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wall_big12

And that my friends is that.

Have a wonderful 4th.  Be safe. 

Two words….Designated Driver.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

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Dragon Laffs #1659

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It’s been an interesting week, dear campers,

Nothing unusual has happened.

No one got hurt.

Nothing broke down.

I’m waiting with baited breath for the other shoe to drop….but then again, it is only Tuesday.  So there is still some time left.  Let’s get some laughs in before the shit hits the fan.

sign laff

5430

I have the same body I’ve always had.  Adjusted for inflation, of course.

5431

I know a guy who thinks he has the body of a Greek god.  I don’t have the heart to tell him that Buddha wasn’t Greek.

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I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.

5435

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

5436

Male SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE..

 

It takes less than 15 seconds..
If you are male and over 55 yrs. old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer’s Test
How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM

2. F_ _K


3. P_N_S


4. PU_S_


5. S_X


6. BOO_S

.
.
.
Answers:
1. RANDOM

2. FORK


3. PANTS


4. PULSE


5. SIX


6. BOOKS


You got all 6 wrong…didn’t you?

The good news is:
You do NOT have Alzheimer’s.
You are a pervert.

5437

 

I mean what I say…

I don’t always mean to say it out loud, but I always mean it.

5438

My brain cells, skin cells, and hair cells continue to die.  But, my stubborn fat cells seem to have eternal life.

5439

I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices.

He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.

5440

It’s been a bit of a strange day…first, I found a hat full of money…then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar.

5441

I’m one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.

5442

If you are lonely, dim all the lights and put on a horror move.  After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore.

5443

BEST JOKE IN IRELAND

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. “Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep”.

5444

So, how do I tell my boss I don’t want to work anymore, but I still want the money.

5445

The worst part about parallel parking is the witnesses.

5446

OMG!  This is so true!!!!

coollogo_com-140101225

6f

6g

6h

6i

6j

6k

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

5447

6l

People who say, “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home.  Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

5448

7

5449

Having had several sleep studies over the years, I can say that’s very true….and not at all funny!!!!!!

If you eat cake fast enough, your fitbit will think you’re walking.

5450

Not me. I get it.  I’m an old fuck.

I can’t wait until we’re all in nursing homes.  It’ll be fun to write bathroom graffiti about the staff they can’t understand…

Because it’s in cursive.

5451

A baby can drink a bottle and fall asleep, and people say it’s cute.  But, as soon as I do it, I’m an alcoholic.

5452

I went to visit a psychic.

I knocked on her front door and she yelled, “Who is it?”

So I left.

5453

Why don’t I have any tattoos?

For the same reason you don’t put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari.

5454

 

I might wake up early and go running.

I also might wake up and win the lottery.

The odds are about the same.

5455

Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.

5456

 

I accidently went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 4.

5457

Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the ‘Missus.’ Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Margaret at age 83, looked him over and replied, “Nope.”

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Bert yells out, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”

Nope. Not a clue”, she replied.

“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!

Margaret replies, “You shoulda bought a new hat!!

5458

Starbucks is planning on selling beer and wine.

Apparently it’s getting difficult to sell sober people a $12 cup of coffee.

5459

I accidently wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

5460

Well, I made it all the way to Friday.  It was a tough week, but nothing really untoward happened.

Now, I’m really scared!

Oh well, until we meet again.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

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Dragon Laffs #1658

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Good Morning Campers,

So, I’m getting really tired of this shit!

This part of Dragon Laffs has been nothing but bitching for months!  And here I go again!  Saturday, some lovely friends came over and helped us with some stuff in the back yard.  The biggest part was to get my neighbor’s roof out of the back yard, but since they bought their kids with them, some of the teenagers decided to pull vines and weeds from behind the pool.  I wish I had taken a before and after picture so you could see the incredible job they did!

But, in the process of that, I came in contact with a plant that didn’t agree with me.  I don’t think it was poison ivy, although that’s what the doctor thinks, because out of 12 kids and 6 adults I’m the ONLY one who had a reaction.

So, it was bad enough that I didn’t get any sleep Sunday night for the itching.  I stayed home from work Monday and then before bed drank myself into an alcoholic daze so I could sleep.  Only ended up with about an hour or so worth.  Tuesday I went to work because I had appointments I couldn’t miss and by Tuesday evening it was bad enough that I went to the doctor at immediate care.

This is what it looked like on Tuesday when I went to the doctor:
6b

She gave me a shot, steroid pills, and a special lotion.  Oh, and on the way to the doctor….a truck threw a stone and cracked my windshield!

Tuesday night, more alcohol, still less than an hour’s sleep.  We are now up to the point where I am on about two hours sleep since Saturday night and I am little more than the Walking Dead.

Wednesday, the infection is worse and I go home from work early.  Oh, and so you don’t get the wrong idea, It’s not just my right arm.  It’s both arms, left leg, and neck.  But, by God, I’m going to get some sleep and so even more alcohol ensues.  This is what I’ve drank since this crap started.

6d

Just to be fair, the Smirnoff and the two Captain Morgan bottles on the right in the back weren’t full, but they were more than half full.  I estimated that I drank about 25 to 30 ounces of alcohol each night for the last 4 nights.  That’s like 25 to 30 shots.  Weird thing is, no morning after effects.  No hangover, no headache.  Hey!  There’s that silver lining!

Today is Thursday and I woke up to find that it has now moved to my body and gotten worse again.  This is what the arm looks like now:

6cI’m about out of alcohol in the house now, but I will finish what’s left tonight.  It’s the itching….it’s driving me batty! 

So….that’s been my week, how’s yours been?  But, I know for a fact, we need to do some laughing. 

Let’s start off with one from my Dad…Papa Dragon Most Senior.
6e

Way to go, Dad!

When someone says, “stop living in the past” I say, “but the music was so much better back then.”

5408

I did too.  Like I said, better music.

My wife is amazing.  For my birthday she purchased a $250,000 life insurance policy and a trip to the Dominican Republic for me.

5409

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend…

I Stood Up Too Fast, Again!

5410

My local cinema got robbed of $1,000 yesterday.  The thieves got away with two jumbo popcorns, two large Cokes, and a packet of Skittles.

5411

For every cigarette you smoke, God takes an hour from your life and gives it to Keith Richards.

5412

“And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth.”

Then he made the earth round.  He laughed and laughed and laughed!

5413

My mind is like my internet browser…
19 tabs open, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no idea where the music is coming from.

5414

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

5415

That is so perfect.  Why didn’t I think of that?

My dad always said, “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.”

Well, I did it!  Available balance: $9.11…

5416

Warning:
My mouth is a bit like a magician’s hat…You just never know what’s gonna come out of it.

5417

Superman: Single

Batman: Single

Spiderman: Single

I get it now…

I’m single because I’m a superhero.

5418

My energy level is equal to that of a Sloth on Xanax.

5419

5a

5420

The more I do laundry, the more I am convinced that towels are lint held together by thread.

5421

I tried cooking dinner with wine tonight.  It didn’t go so well.  After 5 glasses I forgot why I was even in the kitchen.

5422

You know you’re a bad driver when Siri says, “In 400 feet, stop and let me out.”

5423

Everyone has a hidden talent they don’t know about until the tequila is poured.

5425

5424

5426

6g

5427

A cop with a drug sniffing dog said to me, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”

I said, “You think I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs.”

5428

 

SNAUGHFLATULING:

Laughing so hard that you snort and then you fart, then laugh again because you farted when you snorted because you laughed.

5429

Okay, so let’s wrap up today’s issue with some of these…

sex ed class

Sex Education

sex with mermaids

Sex

Sex2

Sexual Prowess

sexual_tension

sexy

SF Sniper

Young Thug Dragon (2)

 

And that, my dear friends, is that.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

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