Good Monday morning everyone!

For me, it’s Thursday, so … you know … time travel.

I am tired. I’m hoping to get some good rest this weekend. Still recovering from being sick, even though I didn’t get REAL sick, just enough to tire me out. But the extra work of the world situation and being on base and the additional stuff that goes along with all that, that you can imagine and that I can’t talk about.

I’m finding it hard to throw myself into stuff like I used to and retirement is looking better and better. It’s getting close my friends.

Well, enough about that. Let’s get to the reason that you’re all here.

Although it would be a great way to get in the car when you’re done playing in the park!

Didn’t the Russian submarine Captain call that a crazy Ivan in Hunt for Red October?

I understand perfectly.  I think it’s pretty cool.

Um…I must still be really young then since I still have a plethora of stupid things left to do.

Yup, sure do!

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, ‘Hey old man, have you ever danced?’

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, ‘No, I never did dance, — and just never wanted to.’ A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, ‘Well, you old fool, you’re gonna’ dance now,’ and started shooting at the old man’s feet.

The old prospector in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied. When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow.. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands.

The old man said, ‘Son, did you ever kiss a mule’s ass?’

The boy bully swallowed hard and said, ‘No. But I’ve always wanted to.’

There are two lessons for us all here:

1. Don’t waste ammunition.

2. Don’t mess with old people!

MY BODY IS NOT A TEMPLE. 

IT IS AT BEST A DECAYING OLD CABIN IN THE WOODS WITH A
HORRIFYING PAST.

I was terrified of ghosts when I was little, so my mom told me I can vacuum them up and had me clean the house telling me I was getting rid of them.

If you meet a girl that admits she’s wrong, apologizes, and changes her ways, dump her because that might be a man. Women don’t do that.

I’ve been debating with myself on putting this in or leaving it out and how I should respond to it. There was a very similar scene in West Wing (one of my favorite TV shows) and that annoyed me as well. 

It’s Friday night and I have the time and the inclination and for those of you who aren’t interested, I suppose you can just skip this part, but here it goes and I’ll try to not let my ire show through.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. 
Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. 

Okay, this is not the only place that homosexuality is shown to be a sin and to use Leviticus as an example is really a pretty poor choice.  “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife and they shall be one flesh.”  (Gen 2:24) which shows that God designed it so that it was supposed to be one man with one woman.

The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It’s funny, as well as informative: 


Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. ….. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them. 

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? 

With the sacrifice of our Lord on the cross, no other sacrifices are necessary or required. He is the ultimate and final sacrifice.

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?  

Hiring your daughter out as a maidservant is not selling her into slavery.

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual cleanliness – Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. 

You would know if she were your wife, who is the only one you were allowed to have sexual relations with.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?  Why can’t I own Canadians? 

You’re an idiot

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? 

The Sabbath restrictions do not extend into New Testament times.

6. Eating shellfish is an abomination – Lev. 11:10. Is it a lesser abomination than homosexuality? I don’t agree. Can you settle this? 

In Acts we learn that there are no longer restrictions on food … in fact, Christ tells us that He came to satisfy the Law, ALL of the Law.

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? 

Are you a Levitical Priest in Old Testament times?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die? 

See answer 6

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? 

See answer 6

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? – Lev.24:10-16.   Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) 

See answer 4

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging. 

If you truly KNEW God’s Word you would know that it was true and unchanging and would see the history and the truth for what it is. Christ gave us 2 great commandments and told us that all the laws and the prophets were covered under these two.

Can anyone tell me what those two great commandments are?

Let’s read together out of Matthew 22:

37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all  thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. 38This is the first and great commandment. 39And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. 40On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

In other words, EVERYTHING that has come before can be satisfied with those two commandments. 

But Jesus stepped it up a step when He was wrapping it up with His disciples, didn’t he?  At the end of the Last Supper He told his disciples in John 13:34: A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have love you, that yea also love one another. Not that you just love our neighbor as yourself, but as Jesus has loved you. That’s a step up again, now isn’t it.

So, Dr. Laura and sarcastic writer of letter, I think you both need to reexamine your scripture a little closer…in my, very humble opinion.

Country people talk to bugs before killing them like:

“You done flew up in the wrong house today buddy!”

That’s it my friends. Until next time…

Oh how the mighty have fallen!

I can’t believe this poor brother is reduced to hanging on the wall holding up remotes and … stuff!

The poor guy is being humiliated!  I feel ashamed for him! He needs to break loose and raze something! Burn something to the ground! Eat a virgin sacrifice! 

You know, not to change the subject, but I’m watching a show about a group of people that serve the public. They could be LE, they could be military, doesn’t really matter. Anyway, they just went through a very tough thing … fighting … gun fire … blood shed, you know; the kind of stuff that goes along with the job. 

The part that has me considering my words is how their loved ones reacted. Their families. How there are spouses that are cut out to be military/law enforcement spouses and some that are not.  Some of them understand the stress, the danger, long hours, and separation and are there to support and uphold and some can’t handle it.  How some make it easier on them and some actually make a VERY difficult job harder. It’s not necessarily their fault. They may think they can handle it and don’t find out until later that they can’t. I understand that. It’s hard.

I don’t know…where I’m going with this, just musing I guess. I’ve been blessed in my own horrible jobs and supportive wives. 

So, while I continue to muse, let’s the rest of us continue to laff….

This is a REALLY good question.

A sole and a flounder are swimming in the ocean when they bump into each other.

The sole says, “A flounder!”

The flounder, to be polite, says nothing.

It was just brought to my attention that 1970 and 2026 are as far apart as 1970 and 1914 …

I’m just going to need a minute.

I could put it in perspective for me and say that 1977 and 2026 are as far apart as 1977 and 1928. 

I graduated high school and joined the Air Force in 1977.

You Just Realized…

“Bathtub” spelled backwards is “bathtub”. It’s really not, but for a second there you believed me.

I’ve just been promoted to running all of Old MacDonald’s farms!

I’ll be CIEIO!

I just heard that a man collapsed on the Ferris wheel at the fair.

Paramedics on site say he is slowly coming around.

You can’t set a Hallmark movie in the South. Unexpected snow down here isn’t magical. It’s terrifying and always leads to fights at the local grocery store.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

If I weren’t so exhausted I’d go into this, instead read Ephesians and if you have questions, I’ll happily respond.

It would crack me up to no end to find out that in both of those last two pictures it was actually men driving those cars and NOT women.

Anyway, that’s it my friends. Let’s get this one in the box, so I can start the next one. With the world situation being what it is, my life is a little crazy right now, so things might start becoming a little … um … intermittent. You know what I mean. I’ll try to keep you informed as the days go by, but for the time being …

I just … JUST finished #2427. Trying to get a head start on this one since … you know, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I usually don’t even get to OPEN my personal laptop, much less do anything like check email or or work on DL.

So, I don’t really have anything to talk about right now, so let’s just jump right into the fun stuff, shall we? That’s what you guys want, anyway.

“A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.”

Most women need a little reassurance. 
Like when she says, “Oh, so you want to see crazy?”
Reassure her that you do not.

A massage is not good enough.

I need to be rolled through a pasta machine.

I started a revival band.

We’re called The Defibrillators.

Make sure you check your spelling and grammar before posting anything.

Because there are so many jobless English professors on social media.

The First Rule of Thesaurus Club:

You don’t talk, discuss, converse, speak, chat, confer, deliberate, gab, or gossip about Thesaurus Club.

Milly the Millipede

-A. Harris

Milly was a millipede.
She had a lot of feet.
Which meant that Milly had to think
just walking down the street

or else she’d get all tangled up
and fall down, legs out, flat.
Often, when she rushed about,
it ended up like that.

One time nature called to her.
Distraught, in desperate need,
before she found a bathroom
well… Our poor old Milly peed.

AMEN! That new life now DOES become your responsibility. Your responsibility to care for, to keep alive, to raise or to ensure that it gets the best chance at a good life. If that means that you give it up for adoption to a GOOD family, then so be it, but the BEST chance it has is for YOU to raise it as your own.

“Phonetic” is not.
“Abbreviation” is 12 letters.
“Thesaurus” doesn’t have a synonym.
“Monosyllabic” has five syllables. 

Say what you will about English, but it sure has a sense of humor.

I’m so old… I used a pencil to fix a cassette tape, changed TV channels with a metal know, and asked the operator to make a long-distance call.

Made it through another one.  I’m now far enough ahead that you guys are covered… which makes me feel good. Now, my wishes for you guys are joy, peace, love, and happiness. Be well until next time, my friends.

So, I’m tired of being sick. I haven’t been sick that long and it’s already old. I had to go to work today, Friday, and I have to work this weekend and it’s even more miserable because I have to do it sick.

Life is so unfair.

Do I sound like a liberal whiner now?

So, that’s the one voice inside of my head. Wah! Wah! Wah!

And the one I’m listening to?

Suck it up, buttercup. You’ll live, you got stuff to do. Grab your hankie and get to work. Yeah, that’s what I did…and what I’ll do tomorrow and Sunday.

But, for you guys, I got this …

Poor Jonah.

I need to start this in Indiana!!

From one of our favorite readers:

saw this on facebook and  yes, I am stunned that he is as smart, well spoken and common sensical as he now appears. Totally unexpected

You HAVE to watch this one! Sent in by the same reader. This is fantastic! I cheered, I laughed, I cried. It is great. 

Today I bought an old used car that was made in Prague.

The Czech engine light keeps coming on.

When a restaurant asks, “how spicy?” I want a scale that’s realistic.

Not – “Mild / Medium / Hot”

More like:

“Clear Sinuses”

“Question Life Choices”

“This is Going to Hurt on the Way Out”

I struggle with Roman numerals until I get to 159.

Then it just CLIX.

The “Powers” of coffee were discovered by goats

According to legend, Ethiopian shepherds were the first to notice the caffeinating effects of coffee. They were herding their goats in the area where the coffee plants grew and noticed their goats started “dancing” after eating coffee berries.

This one cracked me up!  Imagine trying a new drink with waxed tadpole in the name!

She looks like she’s trying so hard! Isn’t there some chivalrous man out there somewhere who could give this poor girl a hand? 

Not that kind of hand, you unmitigated bastards!

I have no words.

Yes…every single solitary one of them.

AND BE FIRED! They are supposed to be good stewards of OUR money.

Handcuffing deaf people takes away their freedom of speech.

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

Yup, we have one of those.

Do you want to play a great joke on your friends?
-Freeze Mentos in ice cubes
-Serve Coke “Timebombs” to your friends
-Best done outside!

I can always tell when they use fake dinosaurs in movies.

And again we must close out for the day. So, until next time, be well, be happy, be loved and …

So, it’s Thursday and I left work early ’cause I’m sick. My head feels like it’s ready to explode it’s so full of stuff. I can’t stop sneezing.  Thankfully, it’s in my head and not in my chest, but I feel miserable. I stopped and got some medicine, not that I expect it will do any good, but who knows.

I’m hoping that Izzy can find a ride home, but if not,  I’ll have to go out and get her, but that’s okay. I’ve felt worse. Okay, so I just texted Izzy and I’ll have to pick her up, so let’s see what I can get done before I have to leave.

Well, by the looks of things, your expiration date is not mandatory information.

Does anyone even know what that means anymore?

Got an important Notice from Lynn:

My goal is to get in and out as quickly as possible. I could walk past my own family members and never notice them 

That reminds me so much of Izzy. When she gets excited about something she’ll say to me, “Bro, you … ____” Whatever. And I will say to her, “Hey, I’m not your Bro.” So the other day she started down the same path but remembered what I said and started out with, “Girl, you really … ___” 

I laughed so hard. What’s wrong with “Dad”? She does call me Dad, but it comes out like Dayad. She’s such a weird kid. I love her to death.

A Dog’s Diary

7:30am: Invaders! The people who live next door came out into their yard, obviously getting ready to lay siege to our house. Snarling and barking, I let them know in no uncertain terms that I was prepared to tear them from limb to limb if they came any closer, and was able to repel the invasion. This is an almost daily occurrence; you’d think they’d learn. My master added his voice to the fray as well, yelling angrily. I am sure the people couldn’t hear him, but it was nice of him to lend his support.

10:00am: I was forced to move, as the patch of sun in which I was lying had, for some reason, slid over a few feet. It’s not easy being a dog.

1:00pm: I have the most thoughtful master in the world! While it’s true he left me alone in the house for several hours, he did set out a treat for me on the kitchen counter. It was even gift-wrapped, a courtesy I wish he’d skipped, since it led to me having a lot of plastic in my teeth. The roast was delicious, though frozen in the center. I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but crunching through two inches of rock-hard beef is hardly my idea of a delicacy.

2:00pm: Most unpleasant experience was when my master returned home and was furious that I had not eaten the plastic wrap which had been covering my present. He kept pointing at the small pieces of Styrofoam and other debris and raving in a most irrational fashion.. I’m sorry, but he should know that I can’t eat that stuff; it makes my stomach upset. When he began rolling up a newspaper I realized he’d lost all reason and bolted for the front door, which was fortunately open just a crack.

4:00pm: Spent the afternoon with the girls. A most productive day; I was able to mark territory for two blocks. “Drip ’til you drop” is our motto. We had a small snack at an outdoor cafe we like, with meat scraps and bread served out of circular containers with easily displaced lids. Ran into that rogue Sebastian, who lifted his leg with irritating nonchalance — does he think I don’t know about his obsession with Muffy, that snotty schnauzer from down the road? Last month there wasn’t a male in the neighborhood who couldn’t be found outside her fence, and Sebastian was at the head of the pack. I let him know I want nothing more to do with him.

5:00pm: What a treat! On the way home a flock of ravens drew my attention to a squirrel that had been flattened by an automobile. After several days in the sun, the aroma was so delicious it made my nose quiver. I rolled in the wondrous fragrance for several minutes, and when I stood up I positively radiated eau de roadkill. Let Sebastian drool over Muffy — he doesn’t know what he’s missing.

6:00pm: Of all the times to get a bath! My master, still in a foul mood, made me stand outside in the chill air while he shampooed and rinsed me several times. Every time I shook the water from my fur he, too, became drenched, and in the end he was shivering. Why in the world does he do stuff like this?

If Zombies attack, go to Costco. There’s cement walls, years worth of food and tons of supplies, plus Zombies can’t get in without a membership.

I got caught up in a really good book last night.

I didn’t stop coloring until 2 a.m. this morning.

I sit in the driveway with the heater running, drinking coffee, smoking a cigar and reading a book until the the windshield clears itself. Why should I stand out in the cold?

Perspective is everything…

Hmmm…I found a strange piece of plastic on the floor that looks like it broke  off of something, but I have no idea what. Better save it in the junk drawer until I die.

Researchers confirm that during childbirth, women feel almost the same amount of pain a man feels when he’s stuck walking behind a slow person.

I personally think it’s hilarious when people become rich by writing “anti-capitalist” books and selling “anti-capitalist” merchandise. 

I thought the word “Caesarean” started with the letter S.

But when I  looked it up in the dictionary, it was in the C section.

That’s it my friends.

Turns out, Izzy got a ride home, so I got to sit here and finish this off. Now, I can study and maybe get a little rest.

Until Monday…