Dragon Laffs #2442

I want to start right out and say …

To Steve for his contribution to Julie’s Go Fund Me page. That’s the only one that I saw, so far, it’s just been a couple of hours, but I was so happy to see it that I had to say something right up front.

What a blessing! I’ll check again when I get to the end so that I don’t miss anyone…and I’ll post the link again.

In the meantime, I REALLY have to stop putting off mowing the lawn for the first time this season. I have REALLY been procrastinating on this. My lawn should have been mown two weeks ago. I HAVE TO DO IT THIS WEEKEND! Hold me to it you guys.

I’ve been so busy with other things that when I have time off I just don’t want to do ANYTHING!

Anyway, whaddaya say we just get started on the fun stuff? I’ve been away from the computer since the weekend, today is Thursday so I’m Jones-ing    a bit here. So, let’s get to it.

Of course, because hardly anyone is willing to put their butts where there words are!

If I get started, I’ll be on this topic for hours…

This one is WAY AWESOME!

Definitely B

I honestly didn’t know this was a thing until just today.

And Izzy told me!

I know for a fact that’s how Willow feels…but then she runs away like a little chicken as soon as she’s approached by … ANYTHING!!! Got a great bark though.

That looks absolutely disgusting!!!!

I’m sorry … truly I am … but I laughed SO HARD at this one. 

From Chris and very much worth repeating:

NASA just did something no diplomat, no UN resolution and no peace summit could do in six weeks.

They shifted the entire world’s attention from bombs to the Moon. In one launch.

Think about it. For over a month, the global conversation has been explosions, missiles, oil facilities on fire, body counts and broken ceasefires. Every headline darker than the last. Every scroll more exhausting than the one before it.

Then April 1, 2026. Kennedy Space Center, Florida. Eight point eight million pounds of thrust. And suddenly, for the first time in over 50 years, four human beings are heading to the Moon.

230,000 miles from Earth. The first crewed lunar mission since Apollo 17 in 1972. The first woman beyond low Earth orbit. The first person of colour near the Moon. A Canadian. All four of them, together, inside a capsule they named Integrity, hurtling through deep space.  (Face2Face Africa)

230,000 miles is not a small number. That is not a road trip. That is not a flight. That is the kind of distance that makes you sit quietly and reconsider every complaint you have ever had about your commute.

And yet there they are. Four humans. Drinking rehydrated food from a briefcase warmer. Exercising with a 30-pound flywheel the size of carry-on luggage. Staring out of windows at a view that less than 30 people in all of human history have ever seen.

War is loud. Space is quiet. And sometimes the world needs to be reminded which one is bigger.

Well done NASA. The jawjaw was needed. ����

Ire ooo.

I may be turning into that one friend… CRAP!

 

Just kidding … but you guys saw my fence.

Catherine, a RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. 

She was sure she’d have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area. 

She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. 

Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview. 

Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn’t heard from anyone else. 

It read: “Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe.” 

Swampy Marsh, the young Australian father-to-be, is waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife is having their first baby. 

He is pacing the floor when the nurse comes out and says, “You have a little boy, Mr. Marsh, but you had better go out and have a cup of coffee, because there may be another one.” 

Swampy turns a little pale and leaves.

Some time later he phones the hospital and is told that he the father of twins, but the nurse cautions, “There is another on the way, so call back later.” 

At that Swampy decides that coffee is not strong enough, so he goes to a bar and has some beer. 

When he phones the hospital again he is told that the third baby has arrived and a fourth is on the way. 

White-faced, he stumbles to the bar and orders a double scotch.

Twenty minutes later, he tries to phone again, but he is so drunk that he dials the wrong number and gets the recorded cricket score. 

When they pick him up off the floor the recording is still going strong: 

“The score is ninety-six all out,” says the voice, “and the last one was a duck.” 

An old lady went to an auction sale. 

There she was attracted to a parrot in a gilded cage. 

The parrot was large, very healthy looking and exquisitely colored. 

The old lady was so attracted by the parrot’s appearance that she couldn’t help but bid on it. 

She bid, determined to have the parrot, but another bidder competed and drove the price very high. 

The old lady eventually bought the parrot.

She was at the cashier’s desk and told the cashier that she was so excited about the beautiful appearance of the parrot that she had neglected to ask if it could talk. 

The parrot spoke up, “Who do you think was bidding against you?” 

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. 
 
When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. 
 
The theme: Viagra Advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. 
 
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 list. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! 
 
The top 10 were:
 
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan
1.This is your peepee… This is your peepee on drugs 

Okay, that’s it for this one. Still just the one to thank for Julie’s fund … and that’s fine. Even if you just pass it on to other’s or offer up a quick prayer, it’s all good.

Here’s the link for you guys to pass on again my friends.  Try this …

And that’s it my friends … until next time.

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Dragon Laffs #2441

So…today is Easter, Izzy liked her basket, church was good, I did all my Sunday chores (trash, jail lessons, set up weekly medicine, fill up jail candy) now I’m sitting here with my friends trying to laugh the rest of the evening away. 

So, I’m gonna sit here and relax, laugh with you guys, watch Blue Bloods on Paramount + and just … enjoy the rest of my Easter Sunday.

So, let’s do that.

Don’t be stupid…stupid hurts!

The Artemis Crew just sent back the first pictures from the far side of the moon… 

Yeah, I know…but I had to.

After running errands today, I went to fill up my car with gas when I noticed two deputies watching a woman smoking a cigarette while filling up. 

 I saw her and thought “That’s not very smart…especially with law enforcement right there too.” I went in to pay and, as I was paying, I heard someone screaming. I looked outside and the woman’s arm was on fire!!! She was swinging her arm & running around, going ballistic!! 

 I rushed outside to help, but the deputies already had her on the ground and were putting the fire out with a fire extinguisher!!! Then they put handcuffs on her and threw her into their patrol car. 

 Being the curious person I am, I went over and asked what she was being arrested for. One of the deputies looked me dead in the eyes and said, “For waving a firearm around!”

IF THINGS GET BETTER WITH AGE

Then I am approaching

MAGNIFICENCE!

What’s my favorite childhood memory?

Not paying bills.

Just one of the few things I have taken exception with the Catholic Church over

At the Battle of Brandywine in 1777, British sharpshooter Patrick Ferguson refused to fire on a Continental General. He believed ambushing a fellow officer would be unchivalrous. The life he spared was George Washington’s.

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

It really isn’t … Friday, that is … but it is cute.

Yup, still not…

And that’s it. And it’s also the end of the weekend. I think I’m far enough ahead for this week, if not…well, I guess I’ll find someplace to catch up. LOL! My love to you all.

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Dragon Laffs #2440

So, Izzy and I are watching TV and every single commercial for medicine has a warning for that the side effect includes depression. Even the depression medicine. Isn’t that kind of self-defeating if you are taking medicine for depression and one of the side effects of taking said medication is depression … that just seems … wrong.

Anyway…I’m writing this on Saturday, the day before Easter and I built an Easter basket for Izzy.

I think she’ll like it. Heck, it’s full of chocolate, so I know she’ll like it. For me, I snitched a couple of the extra pieces and a bag of jelly beans, so I got mine, too. 🙂 

Now …

Not everyone will get that one.

I have questions.

Just went to the doctor.
He said he’d like to talk to me about my weight.
I said, “well it was about 45 minutes, but at least the chairs were comfy.”

The phone rings, a woman answers. A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, “I bet you have a tight ass with no hair.”

The woman replies, “Yes I do, he’s watching golf, who shall I say is calling?”

No kidding. Those churches that teach you that the Bible says it’s okay for you to do ____ (fill in the blank) if you interpret it this way are wrong. These are impastors who teach this and false churches who participate in this. The Bible is VERY clear and NOT open to interpretation. DON’T be fooled.

If you can walk up to cars at a red light and ask for money then you can walk into a business and ask for a job application.

Okay, so I agree with this in principle. There are an AWFUL lot of grifters out there who drive brand new cars and make more money than you and I do … BUT!!! There are some who really are incapable of “walking into a business and asking for a job application…and if you listen close, the Holy Spirit will help you differentiate between the two.

Democrat 

That is so cool!

I know they didn’t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax return.

They are not only not trying to remove them, they are working to KEEP them!!

Me: Donates body to science.

Science: Donates body to Goodwill.

Wow! Just…Wow!

Dear Life,

When I recently sighed, “Could things possibly get any worse?” that was purely a rhetorical question – not a request!!

LOL! Took me a minute.

It’s probably just as well McDonald’s never put a sirloin sandwich on the menu. It would have been a McSteak.

You’d think that the part of the brain that used to remember phone numbers would take over remembering passwords!

But Nooooo!!!!

In a weird, strange way…this makes so much sense.

Drunk is when you feel Sophisticated, but can’t pronounce it…

I was Born to be Wild.

But only till about 8:30ish

Maybe 9pm tops…

That’s if for this one my friends. Let’s get one more reminder for Julies go fund me.

https://gofund.me/e7de9bc64

Just pass it on in your own messages, blogs, or whatever is all I ask.  Thank you.

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Dragon Laffs #2439

Another stormy night ahead for the Dragon Lair.

We are currently under a tornado watch. Not a warning, just a watch, which is not a big deal. I mean, it is, but it isn’t. It just means that conditions are favorable for the formation of tornadoes. 

But, like I said last time we did this, God has always protected us and He always will. So … we will be fine.

Moving on to other things. 

This past Sunday, the Whelpling and his buddies came over and replaced my Zombie Apocalypse fence with a new one. Sadly, Home Depot only had a few fence pieces so we couldn’t replace the whole line like I wanted to, but we got the worst of it fixed and now it looks like this:

The last time I bought a fence piece it was $35. On Sunday they were $68 each. Not quite double, in about a year…well…maybe two.

That’s a pretty big jump and more than I thought it would be, but still…I got a (partial) new fence…and I LOVE it. So far it’s held up pretty well to the wind and stuff.  We’ll see how it holds up tonight.

I have another thing to ask you guys and BY NO MEANS am I asking any of you for anything. A dear friend of mine from church has been diagnosed with breast cancer and has pretty crappy insurance. Plus they have recently had some financial problems to the point where her husband, a retired police officer, has had to come out of retirement and take a job.  This is the lady that, when I had pneumonia and influenza A, dropped everything that she was doing to rush me to the hospital and spent the day with me. Then brought Izzy and I food for the next couple of days until I was back on my feet.

Anyway, her sister started a go fund me site (against her wishes) to try to raise the money she’s going to need for treatment. What I’m asking, if you feel led to throw a couple of bucks at it because every dollar counts, but even more so, copy the link and spread it around…again, if you feel so led. With my deepest and whole hearted thanks.

https://gofund.me/e7de9bc64

That link works, and in the meantime…

Friggin’ Pete sent us an email:

I finally broke down and hired a cleaning service but, it’s not going to work out and I had to let her go.  I mean really, why would she show up in high heels when she knew I had laminate flooring…

 

I sure do!

I have REALLY got to adopt that tactic!

The 25 Funniest Memes About The 413,793 Stolen Kit Kats

Some of these are really great!

Well, I wasn’t quite here for 5/5/55, but I got all the rest of them.

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night.  She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night. 

“Certainly madam,” he replied courteously.

“Is the restaurant open still?” inquired Mary.

“Sorry, no,” came the reply, “but room service is available all night. 

Would you care to select something from this menu?”

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. “Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please,” said Mary. 

“Certainly, madam,” he replied.

“And can I have breakfast in bed?” asked Mary  politely. 

The receptionist nodded and smiled.

“In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please,” Mary mused. 

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. 

The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out.  The same guy was still on the desk. 

“Morning madam…sleep well?”

“Yes, thank you,” Mary replied.

“Food to your liking?”

“Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don’t think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though….they really weren’t that nice at all,” replied Mary truthfully. 

“Oh…well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.  We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion,” said the receptionist. 

“OK, I will…thanks!”  replied Mary….who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book.  Waving, she left to continue her journey. 

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. 

“Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!”

Except Tom very rarely got over on Jerry…

Amateur, I would’ve had that bowl filled to overflowing in 15 minutes.

And goes back to Him a LOT asking for forgiveness.

A friend was thinking about buying a new house in the country and asked me to come out and look at it. 

We found the town, but we couldn’t locate the road. 

We drove over to city hall, where a community get-together was going on, and asked around, but no one had heard of the road. 

Even the policemen and fire personnel were stumped. 

We went to city hall and consulted a map, with no luck, until finally one young man came to our aid. 

He pointed to the map, showing us exactly how to get there.  

I thanked the young man and asked if he was with the police or fire department. 

“Neither,” he replied.  “I deliver pizzas.” 

I LOVE THIS ONE!!!

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes red?”

The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”

The woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”

“No” she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous….”

What’s the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?

A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe. 

And it’s going on right now! People being persecuted and even prosecuted for saying such evil things as “there are only two genders”.

Splenda Daddy

A man who strives to be a Sugar Daddy but just doesn’t have the funds to pull it off.

I just learned the professional way to say, “I told you so”:

“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

 

A philosopher never sits down at work.

Stands to reason.

A couple of quick points…

#1 We don’t eat dogs!

#2 Michelle texting during the Pledge of Allegiance should have given it away and we should have kicked those communist bastards out of the country right then and there.

Okay, I got that off my chest. Now, Until next time my dear friends, family and loved ones, please don’t forget about passing on that go fund me for Julie that I put out at the beginning.  No… don’t go looking for it again, I’ll give it to you here: https://gofund.me/e7de9bc64  Pass it on to your friends. Throw five bucks at it if you wish. Every little bit helps.

And until next time…

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Dragon Laffs #2438

Happy Easter my dear brothers and sisters, my dear friends and family, my loved ones.

I know, I know, Easter is tomorrow, but this is as close as it’s going to come. I’m almost tempted to slip this one day, but I imagine, and hope upon hope, that all of you are busy tomorrow, that you are celebrating Christ’s resurrection by being in Church, but keep in mind that WE are the Church. The building is just the place that we gather sometimes.

Yeah, that’s gonna tick some people off. See, church (the building) is not a hospice (a place you go to die). It’s not supposed to be a place where you just show up on Sundays sing some songs, listen to a sermon and go home again. Only showing up on Sunday and that’s the only interaction with God that you get all week. That’s not Church, that’s church. The church (the building again) is supposed to be more of a hospital.  The place where you go to get patched up to get back into the war out in the world. You should be there every time the doors are open if you can be. If they have Wednesday night Bible Study, you should be there Wednesday nights. If they have Tuesday night Women’s night and your a woman, you should be there. If they have once a month men’s breakfast on Saturday morning and you’re a man, …. you get the idea.  

You should be doing small groups, volunteering to be involved in any way you can. So many times I see the same few people doing ALL the tasks while the rest come in Sunday morning, sit in the chairs, and then file out again afterwards. I’m not saying that’s wrong if they CAN’T do anything else, and I am by NO MEANS casting the first stone. I’m offering advice. If you want to get closer in your walk with The Lord, this is probably the first step, get more involved at your church, I’m 100% certain they will love you for it.

Now, let’s get this boat out of the dock, shall we?

What kind of a medical condition causes wrinkled clothes?

An iron deficiency

My phone has this cool app that shows me what I would look like as an old person.

It’s called Camera.

Has anyone else used WD40 to get rid of mice?

It doesn’t work, but it stops them from squeaking.

I agree. They really have one main job, to pass a yearly budget. If they can’t do that, then they shouldn’t be paid until they do.

Today marks the 312,654th time I have sworn I will never drink alcohol again.

Caffeine is not enough anymore, I need to chew on a powerline. 

9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a grizzly bear unless it has been given a strong anesthetic…

There’s safety in numb bears.

Shenanigans

Because life is more fun when you are up to something

Google is actually derived from the mathematical term “googol” which means 1 with a hundred zeroes following it.

10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 = 1 googol

I don’t think dressing gowns are given enough credit.

Cold?
Put your dressing gown on.

Upset?
Put your dressing gown on.

Feeling frumpy?
Put your dressing gown on.

Life falling apart?
Put your dressing gown on.

That sounds truly disgusting.

Impish’s downfall!

Oh man! I like the black ones!

Oh NO!

A repeat, but worth it.

Saturday and the world mourns, the disciples come out of hiding and mourn, no one believes that the Christ will rise again. No one truly believes. 

But Sunday is coming…

Sunday and the empty tomb!  Mary is the first to find the open grave and runs to tell the others. Soon, many see the resurrected Jesus and everything, EVERYTHING is proven. ALL of our sins are washed away. He took the punishment that WE deserve so that we can return home.

He made salvation easy …

Follow Romans Road:

First stop: Romans 3:23 For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God

Second stop: Romans 6:23a For the wages of sin is death

Third stop: Romans 6:23b but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord

Fourth stop: Romans 10:9 because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.

Final stop: Romans 5:1 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our  Lord Jesus Christ.

That’s all there is to it. 

And we’ll leave it right there.

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