Okay, so I want to know who got the picture of me (above) from when I was a kid? I forgot that thing even existed. So embarrassing.
Anyway, as promised, moving directly on to this episode from the last one. So, don’t really have much new stuff to add, so I guess we’ll just jump right into the fun stuff.
Monkeys not included!!! Well, that’s no good! Where the heck am I supposed to get monkeys from?
HUSBAND and CAT
MISSING
$500 reward for cat
This next one is really quite interesting! Worth the watch.
So … yesterday was my 31st anniversary. Doesn’t matter that we’re in separate realms right now. I still miss her everyday. Happy anniversary Mary~Mae.
And that’s it my friends. May you have another beautiful and blessed day. Until next time …
Well, it’s Saturday morning and I’m waiting for the Izzy Dragon to awaken so we can pack up the car and go to Goodwill to drop off a bunch of stuff that she has. The problem is, I’m sure she’ll bring home as much as she drops off. But that’s fine. It keeps her off the streets at night.
So, while I wait for her to drag herself out of bed, I’ll spend some time with you guys, and get this episode going. See if I can’t find something to get fired up about and just plain have fun! So …
I don’t know what’s so funny. That’s how they sell them in my neighborhood.
Wait! 4 what?
Yup…he was drunk.
And then trust Him to do it!
Joe sends us this …
I heard about this a number of years ago.
It was happening often in the deep south.
When a bad storm hit and power was out for an extended time, home owners (Trailers and homes) would run a gas generator to power the critical items.
During the night, thieves would steal the generators. The home owners never knew because they heard the continuous sound of the motor. What the thieves had done was put an old gas lawn mower next to the house, run it for the engine sound and take the expensive generator.
Homeowners kept hearing the engine running and didn’t know their generator was gone.
Quiet smoking only?
And that’s a BIG difference!!!
You people paying attention out there! DO NOT (wink! nudge!) plant bamboo near Data Centers! Don’t (Wink!) Do it! (Nudge, Nudge!)
Joe sent us a special message about his holiday experiences…
This is July 8th and they are still shooting off fireworks!
They almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire.
And then we got a follow up message from him…
Thank you all!
Our blowup turkey was not harmed!
…Joe
Thank goodness for small miracles, Joe.
Almost 77 years ago and we’re still going through the same crap with these guys!
Maine Law
Shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack.
OH! I gotta get me one of these!
Same thing happened at my brother Ken’s house.
I did!
Interesting concept.
The heavy clinking of pint glasses and the low hum of the jukebox did little to drown out Arthur’s brooding. He stared into his amber whiskey, his face a mask of pure betrayal, before turning to his buddy, Dave, on the stool next to him.
“I’m telling you, Dave, that wife of mine is a pathological liar,” Arthur growled, slamming his glass down just hard enough to spill a few drops. “I’m sick of the deceit.”
Dave took a slow sip of his beer, adjusting to his role as the tonight’s designated bartender-therapist. “Whoa, calm down, man. That’s a heavy accusation. What makes you so sure she’s lying to you?”
“Because she didn’t come home last night,” Arthur said, leaning in close, his eyes narrowed. “Not a text, not a call, nothing. Just rolled through the front door this morning like nothing happened. So I cornered her in the kitchen. I demanded to know exactly where she’d been all night.”
“And?” Dave asked, leaning in too. “What did she say?”
“She looked me straight in the eye, cool as ice, and said she had spent the entire night over at her sister Shirley’s house because they were ‘watching movies and talking.’ Can you believe the nerve?”
Dave blinked, looking a bit confused. “I mean… it sounds plausible, Arthur. Shirley only lives a few miles away. What’s so terrible about that? How does that make her a liar?”
Arthur let out a bitter, cynical laugh and shook his head.
“Because she’s a liar, Dave… I spent the night with her sister Shirley.”
It’s very true. My dear, ALL of your problems would be solved if you had a dragon.
Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, and just before you realize what’s wrong with it.
Rex Harrison (1908-1990)
As EVERYONE should!
I was asking my friend who has children, “What if I have a baby and I dedicate my life to it and it grows up to hate me. And it blames everything wrong with its life on me.”
And she said, “What do you mean, ‘If?’
Oh! Back from Goodwill, by the way. Went to Goodwill, got gas, took Izzy to lunch, and stopped at the store. Came home, put everything away, took out the puppies and after putting everything away, I’m back with you guys and the first thing that Izzy said was, “Can I take a nap?”
LOL!
Sure kiddo, take a nap. Gotta love it.
On with the show.
Maryland, Baltimore
It is illegal to take a lion to the movies.
Okay, a couple of things here.
1 – I would hope this would be illegal EVERYWHERE!
2 – What in the world happened that made them have to codify this!
My 9 year old daughter was going through the stuff with me from our attic, she pulled out some records that we had from years ago.
She exclaimed ” This is the biggest CD I’ve ever seen Dad!”
And that’s it for this one my friends. Gonna finish this one up and immediately jump into the next one since I’m just sitting here listening to podcasts. So … until the next one.
And the beginning of another issue. Today is Monday and the start of the Angelology class. I’m really excited about this. I am 100% sure this issue will not be complete by then so I can share with you later and tell you how the first class went. It’s only two classes. This Monday and next, with the test the following Monday. It should be great fun.
But, in the mean time, while I’m waiting, let’s get this issue started, shall we?
Why can’t more people today understand this? It is unbelievable to me how many people show up to my classes 5 to 10 minutes late and see nothing wrong with that. Well, I should say, they USED to show up late. They don’t anymore. See, Impish has a REPUTATION on base. New people are told and old people know that if the class starts at 0800, the door is closed at 0800 and no one is admitted after that time. I am not going to waste people’s time who got there on time by either starting the class over or stopping the class to get someone late caught up. My class, my rules. It’s not like the class was a bloody surprise to you.You want to be fashionably late, do it where it’s fashionable, not where it’s disrespectful.
I have questions … a LOT of questions.
First Prayer of the Continental Congress, 1774
“O Lord our Heavenly Father, high and mighty King of kings, and Lord of lords, who dost from thy throne behold all the dwellers on earth and reignest with power supreme and uncontrolled over all the Kingdoms, Empires and Governments; look down in mercy, we beseech Thee, on these our American States, who have fled to Thee from the rod of the oppressor and thrown themselves on Thy gracious protection, desiring to be henceforth dependent only on Thee. To Thee have they appealed for the righteousness of their cause; to Thee do they now look up for that countenance and support, which Thou alone canst give. Take them, therefore, Heavenly Father, under Thy nurturing care; give them wisdom in Council and valor in the field; defeat the malicious designs of our cruel adversaries; convince them of the unrighteousness of their Cause and if they persist in their sanguinary purposes, of own unerring justice, sounding in their hearts, constrain them to drop the weapons of war from their unnerved hands in the day of battle!
Be Thou present, O God of wisdom, and direct the councils of this honorable assembly; enable them to settle things on the best and surest foundation. That the scene of blood may be speedily closed; that order, harmony and peace may be effectually restored, and truth and justice, religion and piety, prevail and flourish amongst the people. Preserve the health of their bodies and vigor of their minds; shower down on them and the millions they here represent, such temporal blessings as Thou seest expedient for them in this world and crown them with everlasting glory in the world to come. All this we ask in the name and through the merits of Jesus Christ, Thy Son and our Savior.
Amen.”
Reverend Jacob Duché
Rector of Christ Church of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
September 7, 1774
Illinois, Chicago Law
People who are diseased, maimed, mutilated, or deformed to the point of being “an unsightly or disgusting object” are banned from going out in public.
I was shopping with my wife at a local supermarket and suddenlycouldn’t find her.
“I’ve lost my wife!” I muttered slightly louder than was necessary.
Then I heard a strange man’s voice from the next aisle: “Some people have all the luck.”
The quiet of the hospital was broken by the piercing sirens, and white-clad guards ran everywhere looking for the missing mental patient to no avail.
Later that evening, the police, responding to a report of a woman screaming, surrounded a house. As they pulled up, they could see activity through a gap in the curtains, and the lights abruptly went out.
Repeated knocking and ringing of the bell being unavailing, they broke down the door. To their horror, they saw a woman lying naked on the floor and the mental patient just pulling up his pants.
The mental patient ran to a large bedroom window, picked up a stool, broke it out, and tried to make his escape into the fields behind the house.
One of the officers, not quick enough to catch him, fired at the fleeing form, hitting him in the arm. The impact and surprise threw the fleeing felon off balance, and he crashed into the low fence surrounding the back yard.
The man was treated at the local hospital, and sent back to the institution, where he was placed under guard in solitary confinement
The headline in the local paper the next day read:
NUT BOLTS AND SCREWS
Police Wing Nut, Lock Nut Up
Arthur sat at the kitchen island, practically vibrating with triumph as he tapped his finger on a printed article. He had been waiting for this exact moment for months.
“Look at this, Sarah,” he said, sliding the paper across the counter to his wife. “It’s a scientific study. Hard data. It proves that women talk way more than men. The average man uses about 15,000 words a day, but a woman? A staggering 30,000 words. You guys literally talk twice as much.”
Sarah didn’t look up from her coffee. She took a slow, deliberate sip, letting the silence stretch just long enough to make Arthur slightly uncomfortable. She glanced down at the study, then looked up at him with a look of calm, pitying clarity.
“Well, Arthur, that makes perfect sense,” she said evenly. “The reason women have to use twice as many words as men is because we always have to repeat everything we say.”
Arthur blinked, his triumphant smirk instantly vanishing as his brain stalled.
He leaned forward, looking completely stunned, and said, “What?”
I used to watch golf on TV during the weekend, but my doctor told me I needed more exercise …
so now I watch tennis.
OH! That is SO GOOD!!!!
Louisiana, New Orleans
It is against the law to decorate a roadside tree.
Why?
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t note worthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn’t fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.
And that’s it my friends. I was just informed by my daughter that she’s out of distilled water for her mini swamp cooler. So we are making a run to the store. So … gotta go. My love to you all.
So, today is July 4th. I took a lady friend to see the new Washington movie. It was VERY good. Highly recommended. It is now 1800 and I’m in for the night. So far I haven’t heard of anything stupid going on anywhere, so maybe we’re going to get through this. We’ll see.
After getting home from the movie I took my friend home and mowed the lawn. The sky is beginning to cloud over and looking like a storm. It should clear over by 9 or so. We’ll see. I’m worn out. So, let’s go ahead and
Now, I don’t particularly like this guy, but here it is…
Remember back to how immature you were at 20, 21 and even 25 and 29? Two and three years out of high school, maybe a couple years into collage, still doing stupid shit and sowing wild oats. Here at that age, these people were planning and carrying out a rebellion, a revolution, a war against the greatest, most powerful empire of the world. They were planning, writing and creating a new country, a new government a new way of life for the people who would follow them into that dream. Incredible men, incredible minds, incredible actions, incredible sacrifices. And they didn’t do for themselves, for their own freedom because, they knew that they would probably not live through it. They did it for us, you and me, and the people who would come behind them to live in the freedoms that they dreamed of. We owe them so much more than a few colorful explosions can pay!
I tried to give my wife bridge lessons last week, but she just wouldn’t jump!
Well, it’s now the 5th of July and other than stupid stupidity, I can’t see where anything major happened across these United States. I mean, I’m sure the requisite number of fingers have been blown off and drunks put in jail but there was also the Brooklyn Bridge set on fire due to fireworks and hundreds of masked nationalists marching on Washington, but that’s normal stupidity. So…hurrah for us! My spidey sense must be off…and that’s a good thing.
Maryland Laws
Every person who has bowled since 1833 may be fined $2 for each offense.
Morris was having a good time in Tel Aviv and was invited to a party. Unfortunately, during the evening, he lost his wallet.
So Morris, not being of the shy kind, stood on a chair and shouted, “Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I’ve just lost my wallet with over $1,500 in cash in it. To the person that finds my wallet, I will give $150.”
A voice from the back of the hall shouted, “I will give $175!”
This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out.
She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown.
Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout.
Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back.
Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time.
But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all.
The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself.
She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn.
She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.
She speaks to the other bum and says, “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!”
The bum replies, “Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?”
There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in the Isle of Man.
The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs.
She didn’t know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.
The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn’t know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast.
The lady got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.
Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store…
(Please scroll page down.)
What were you thinking?
Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!
It was a quiet Tuesday evening, or at least it was until my wife slammed her book shut on the couch, looked across the living room at me, and sighed heavily.
“We need to talk,” she said, her voice dripping with exhaustion. “I’m staging an intervention. You have got to stop being so incredibly pedantic all the time. It is completely exhausting for me, it’s exhausting for our families, and frankly, it’s ruining your social life. If you don’t learn to just let things go and stop constantly correcting people, you are going to end up with less and less friends.”
I sat there in silence for a moment, letting the weight of her words hang in the air. I looked at her tired expression, genuinely processing the gravity of what she was saying about our marriage and my relationships. I took a deep, contemplative breath, leaned forward, and looked her straight in the eye.
“Don’t you mean fewer and fewer?”
Or this might be more appropriate …
This is a Lutheran Church group at a Gay Pride Parade. I don’t care which Lutheran Church, because holding a sign like that makes them not a true church. Why do I say that? Because God does ask us to change. In fact, He TELLS us to change. Several times.
How many times is the word “repent” used in the Bible? In the Old Testament? In the New? I have no idea, but a lot! What does the word repent mean? Literally? “A complete change of mind and heart that results in a new direction.”
God would never ask us to change? No, God is commanding us to change! He is begging us to change. Because if we don’t change, we are marching straight on that wide path that leads us straight to hell. And no, before we go down that path, God doesn’t send anyone to hell. We are all destined for hell because we are all sinners. God is inviting us, begging us, to join Him in Heaven. He even sent His only Son to die for us to make it possible. And all you have to do is believe and repent. Satan is the one who says we don’t have to change. Satan is the one who tells us that God would never want us to change. So who is it that is whispering in these Lutheran’s ears? It is certainly not the Holy Spirit! These are NOT Christians. Jesus told me
“If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the while world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?”
What did these Lutherans give in return for their souls? That’s between them and God I suppose. I hope and pray they repent (change their mind and heart) soon, before it’s too late.
How many times did Jesus tell us that unless we repent (change), we will perish? (End up in hell) Luke 13:3 comes immediately to mind. A LOT! Open up your Bible apps and do a search.
Now, here’s the part that bothers me. (You mean you haven’t been bothered up to now?) The part that really bothers me is that these people are representing themselves as Christians and you get someone who is searching for the Truth and sees them, carrying their ignorant signs and they get the completely wrong idea about things and Satan leads another one astray. It is up to the rest of us to preach the Word loud and clear that this is WRONG! This is NOT Christian. In fact, it is the opposite. It is Satanic influence drawing away from God’s Grace. It is up to us to follow Jesus’ admonition to his disciples in Matthew 28:16-20 (also known as the Great Commission) when He told them to take His teaching to the whole world.
“All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”
That applies to us, too! I am a disciple of Christ. That’s my job. It’s your job also, if you are a disciple of Christ. So, it’s up to us to stop these wolves in sheep clothing that are out there among us. We need to be the sheep dogs.
Woof! Let’s go!
So, this turned out to be a short essay rather than a rant. I’m going to leave it in here because it’s … well … it’s a sample of my writing if nothing else for you guys. I’m going to copy it out of here and maybe do something with it. We’ll see. It’s too short to really do anything significant with, but too long for a simple rant. But, I hope you enjoyed it.
Hot! Really Hot! Like a bunch of the rest of you. Temperatures of 94 or 95 and feels like 105. We get warnings at work. “We are under condition black. 25%. For instance, that means that for every 15 minutes of work, you should rest for 45 minutes. Be sure to drink at least 2 quarts of water every hour.” I had to tell one of the young airman, “You have an office job in the air conditioning, this doesn’t apply to you!”
They have really broken my Air Force.
And…. I just got a message on my phone that said they have extended the extreme heat warning another 24 hours. Just great.
So many horrible things going on right now. Weighing heavy on my mind. Parents leaving kids in hot cars and the kids dying. Parents leaving kids home alone while they go to work…Man, I know it’s hard on single parents and finding childcare can be really tough, but you can’t leave young kids home alone. You just can’t.
Indiana, my home state, has made it illegal to “camp” on public property. So, what then are the homeless people supposed to do? There aren’t enough homeless shelters, especially around where I live. Now, we don’t have a HUGE homeless population near where I live, but there are some and most of them “camp” in the same general area and people bring them “stuff”. The community has been asking for a homeless shelter for a long time, but … especially now … they are more interested in putting in a data center … against overwhelming push back … than they are anything else. The only way a homeless shelter will be put up is if we get a private donor interested. Then you would need volunteers, counselors, medical people, etc. And therein lies the problem in our little community. Which is why it would require the city or county to take it on and they won’t. So instead, they make homelessness illegal and put people in jail and take away their freedom. “But at least then they’re being taken care of!” For what? Ten days for a first offense. Then 30 days … then …?
Just another rant. I don’t know what the answer is. I guess all I’m doing is pointing out problems. Why not just leave them alone? At least here. They’re doing okay for now.
So much more on my mind.
Requiring to scan your ID to use your phone and your computer…YOUR phone and YOUR computer. It’s coming folks. They’re voting on it now. If the politicians vote against it then they are voting against “protecting kids on line” and if they vote for it then they are voting for “giving your ID to the tech companies” so they are damned if they do and damned if they don’t. So consequently a good portion of them are obstaining from voting.
Chickens.
There’s gotta be a better way to protect our kids.
Oh yeah!
How about parenting!
Why do we have to rely on the state to do the job that the parents are supposed to be doing?
Okay, now my ranting is over with… so …
Okay, these next three go together. Weirdly…
Lucky? LUCKY!? I’d say she was cursed! I’d find out what ship she was on and stay the heck away! And nobody thought to tell her to stay off the water!?
Louisiana Law
It illegal for a woman to drive a car unless her husband is waving a flag in front of it.
Yeah! Brilliant Idea! Never, ever, ever, NEVER, buy, rent, lease or get in a Chinese vehicle. Just had a special briefing on them at work. These things are set up to spy on us. Download all the information from your phone, hook up to wi-fi as it passes and drives down the street, specifically as it nears military installations, all KINDS of insidious stuff. They are not being sold or allowed in the United States, but what is happening, is they are allowed in Mexico and people are renting them and then crossing the border into Texas and driving them near military installations. They are not supposed to be let across, but some are getting through.
An Irishman arrived at Heathrow Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
“No,” replied the Irishman. “I’ve lost all me luggage!”
“How’d that happen?”
“The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.
As dessert was served to the visiting pastor, the hostess apologized for not having any cheese to go with the apple pie.
Hearing this, her little son slipped down from his chair and left the room, then returned with a small piece of cheese which he shyly placed on the pastor’s plate.
“Why, thank you, son,” said the guest as he popped the cheese in his mouth, “You must have found the last piece! Where did you find it?”
Flushing with pride, the little boy said, “Oh, it was in the mousetrap.”
Okay, we all saw it coming, but it was still funny.
Three joyful baby dragons have a water balloon fight in a vibrant garden.
During check-in at airport for a non-stop long-haul flight, the airline staff was very apologetic to the husband and said: “I am sorry sir, the flight is really full today. We couldn’t allot you and your wife adjacent seats. Your seat number is 14A and madam’s is 42H.”
Husband: “Oh, thanks! Do I have to pay anything extra to you for this favor?”
Staff: “No sir, madam has already paid!”
Not to mention cleaning under your nails with that 9mm is a bit problematic.
The wife asked where a good place to go for a week might be.
I suggested Kitchen Island
That’s when everything went black.
Tricks restaurant servers use to get their tables laughing and keep the mood light. These fall into the classification of Dad Jokes
When the restaurant is short-staffed
I apologize; we are a bit short-staffed this evening but I am trying to get taller.
When saying farewell
Hey everyone, if you enjoyed everything, please remember my name is Alex, and if you didn’t my name is Mike!
When someone can’t finish their meal
Me: you wanna box for that?
Them: yes, please
Me: *strikes old-timey boxing pose
When the timing is bad
If you walk up as their mouths are full, I say ‘sorry they train us to do that’
When the receipt is really long
My favorite bit is if they end up with a really long receipt I’ll tell them ‘And you also get a free scarf’
When the server wants a drink
When they put in drinks, I’d say ‘alright so 4 whatever’s for y’all and a margarita for me, I’ll be right back with those’
When they’re poring over the menu
My tables used to love when I’d pull up a seat, sit down with them and discuss the menu as if I were a late arriving guest.
When the plate is hot
This plate is super hot, be careful. This one, not as hot, but she has a great personality.
When people haven’t dined there before
Ask if people have dined with us before, if they haven’t, I answer with ‘well I’d love to tell you about how we do things here; you tell me what you want to drink and eat off this list of food, and then I bring it to you, and you pay me’
When someone spills their drink
When someone spills their drink, I give them a replacement or their next round in a sippy cup. If it’s a beer, I saran wrap the top and put a straw in it like a sippy cup. Kills every time.
A fun intro
I’m sure you’re all wondering why I’ve gathered you here today
And that is it my friends. Getting a little further ahead every day.
Tomorrow is the 4th and we are all praying for a nice happy, carefree day. You guys be safe out there…but by the time you read this, it will all be over. So, instead, until next time, may God Bless you and keep you and smile His face upon you until we are together again. Love and Happiness to you all.
Dragon Laffs 