So, Izzy and I are watching TV and every single commercial for medicine has a warning for that the side effect includes depression. Even the depression medicine. Isn’t that kind of self-defeating if you are taking medicine for depression and one of the side effects of taking said medication is depression … that just seems … wrong.
Anyway…I’m writing this on Saturday, the day before Easter and I built an Easter basket for Izzy.
I think she’ll like it. Heck, it’s full of chocolate, so I know she’ll like it. For me, I snitched a couple of the extra pieces and a bag of jelly beans, so I got mine, too. 🙂
Now …
Not everyone will get that one.
I have questions.
Just went to the doctor. He said he’d like to talk to me about my weight. I said, “well it was about 45 minutes, but at least the chairs were comfy.”
The phone rings, a woman answers. A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, “I bet you have a tight ass with no hair.”
The woman replies, “Yes I do, he’s watching golf, who shall I say is calling?”
No kidding. Those churches that teach you that the Bible says it’s okay for you to do ____ (fill in the blank) if you interpret it this way are wrong. These are impastors who teach this and false churches who participate in this. The Bible is VERY clear and NOT open to interpretation. DON’T be fooled.
If you can walk up to cars at a red light and ask for money then you can walk into a business and ask for a job application.
Okay, so I agree with this in principle. There are an AWFUL lot of grifters out there who drive brand new cars and make more money than you and I do … BUT!!! There are some who really are incapable of “walking into a business and asking for a job application…and if you listen close, the Holy Spirit will help you differentiate between the two.
Democrat
That is so cool!
I know they didn’t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax return.
They are not only not trying to remove them, they are working to KEEP them!!
Me: Donates body to science.
Science: Donates body to Goodwill.
Wow! Just…Wow!
Dear Life,
When I recently sighed, “Could things possibly get any worse?” that was purely a rhetorical question – not a request!!
LOL! Took me a minute.
It’s probably just as well McDonald’s never put a sirloin sandwich on the menu. It would have been a McSteak.
You’d think that the part of the brain that used to remember phone numbers would take over remembering passwords!
But Nooooo!!!!
In a weird, strange way…this makes so much sense.
Drunk is when you feel Sophisticated, but can’t pronounce it…
I was Born to be Wild.
But only till about 8:30ish
Maybe 9pm tops…
That’s if for this one my friends. Let’s get one more reminder for Julies go fund me.
We are currently under a tornado watch. Not a warning, just a watch, which is not a big deal. I mean, it is, but it isn’t. It just means that conditions are favorable for the formation of tornadoes.
But, like I said last time we did this, God has always protected us and He always will. So … we will be fine.
Moving on to other things.
This past Sunday, the Whelpling and his buddies came over and replaced my Zombie Apocalypse fence with a new one. Sadly, Home Depot only had a few fence pieces so we couldn’t replace the whole line like I wanted to, but we got the worst of it fixed and now it looks like this:
The last time I bought a fence piece it was $35. On Sunday they were $68 each. Not quite double, in about a year…well…maybe two.
That’s a pretty big jump and more than I thought it would be, but still…I got a (partial) new fence…and I LOVE it. So far it’s held up pretty well to the wind and stuff. We’ll see how it holds up tonight.
I have another thing to ask you guys and BY NO MEANS am I asking any of you for anything. A dear friend of mine from church has been diagnosed with breast cancer and has pretty crappy insurance. Plus they have recently had some financial problems to the point where her husband, a retired police officer, has had to come out of retirement and take a job. This is the lady that, when I had pneumonia and influenza A, dropped everything that she was doing to rush me to the hospital and spent the day with me. Then brought Izzy and I food for the next couple of days until I was back on my feet.
Anyway, her sister started a go fund me site (against her wishes) to try to raise the money she’s going to need for treatment. What I’m asking, if you feel led to throw a couple of bucks at it because every dollar counts, but even more so, copy the link and spread it around…again, if you feel so led. With my deepest and whole hearted thanks.
I finally broke down and hired a cleaning service but, it’s not going to work out and I had to let her go. I mean really, why would she show up in high heels when she knew I had laminate flooring…
Well, I wasn’t quite here for 5/5/55, but I got all the rest of them.
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
“Certainly madam,” he replied courteously.
“Is the restaurant open still?” inquired Mary.
“Sorry, no,” came the reply, “but room service is available all night.
Would you care to select something from this menu?”
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. “Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please,” said Mary.
“Certainly, madam,” he replied.
“And can I have breakfast in bed?” asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled.
“In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please,” Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
“Morning madam…sleep well?”
“Yes, thank you,” Mary replied.
“Food to your liking?”
“Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don’t think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though….they really weren’t that nice at all,” replied Mary truthfully.
“Oh…well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion,” said the receptionist.
“OK, I will…thanks!” replied Mary….who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.
Amateur, I would’ve had that bowl filled to overflowing in 15 minutes.
And goes back to Him a LOT asking for forgiveness.
A friend was thinking about buying a new house in the country and asked me to come out and look at it.
We found the town, but we couldn’t locate the road.
We drove over to city hall, where a community get-together was going on, and asked around, but no one had heard of the road.
Even the policemen and fire personnel were stumped.
We went to city hall and consulted a map, with no luck, until finally one young man came to our aid.
He pointed to the map, showing us exactly how to get there.
I thanked the young man and asked if he was with the police or fire department.
“Neither,” he replied. “I deliver pizzas.”
I LOVE THIS ONE!!!
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes red?”
The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”
The woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”
“No” she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous….”
What’s the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
And it’s going on right now! People being persecuted and even prosecuted for saying such evil things as “there are only two genders”.
Splenda Daddy
A man who strives to be a Sugar Daddy but just doesn’t have the funds to pull it off.
I just learned the professional way to say, “I told you so”:
“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”
A philosopher never sits down at work.
Stands to reason.
A couple of quick points…
#1 We don’t eat dogs!
#2 Michelle texting during the Pledge of Allegiance should have given it away and we should have kicked those communist bastards out of the country right then and there.
Okay, I got that off my chest. Now, Until next time my dear friends, family and loved ones, please don’t forget about passing on that go fund me for Julie that I put out at the beginning. No… don’t go looking for it again, I’ll give it to you here: https://gofund.me/e7de9bc64Pass it on to your friends. Throw five bucks at it if you wish. Every little bit helps.
Happy Easter my dear brothers and sisters, my dear friends and family, my loved ones.
I know, I know, Easter is tomorrow, but this is as close as it’s going to come. I’m almost tempted to slip this one day, but I imagine, and hope upon hope, that all of you are busy tomorrow, that you are celebrating Christ’s resurrection by being in Church, but keep in mind that WE are the Church. The building is just the place that we gather sometimes.
Yeah, that’s gonna tick some people off. See, church (the building) is not a hospice (a place you go to die). It’s not supposed to be a place where you just show up on Sundays sing some songs, listen to a sermon and go home again. Only showing up on Sunday and that’s the only interaction with God that you get all week. That’s not Church, that’s church. The church (the building again) is supposed to be more of a hospital. The place where you go to get patched up to get back into the war out in the world. You should be there every time the doors are open if you can be. If they have Wednesday night Bible Study, you should be there Wednesday nights. If they have Tuesday night Women’s night and your a woman, you should be there. If they have once a month men’s breakfast on Saturday morning and you’re a man, …. you get the idea.
You should be doing small groups, volunteering to be involved in any way you can. So many times I see the same few people doing ALL the tasks while the rest come in Sunday morning, sit in the chairs, and then file out again afterwards. I’m not saying that’s wrong if they CAN’T do anything else, and I am by NO MEANS casting the first stone. I’m offering advice. If you want to get closer in your walk with The Lord, this is probably the first step, get more involved at your church, I’m 100% certain they will love you for it.
Now, let’s get this boat out of the dock, shall we?
What kind of a medical condition causes wrinkled clothes?
An iron deficiency
My phone has this cool app that shows me what I would look like as an old person.
It’s called Camera.
Has anyone else used WD40 to get rid of mice?
It doesn’t work, but it stops them from squeaking.
I agree. They really have one main job, to pass a yearly budget. If they can’t do that, then they shouldn’t be paid until they do.
Today marks the 312,654th time I have sworn I will never drink alcohol again.
Caffeine is not enough anymore, I need to chew on a powerline.
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a grizzly bear unless it has been given a strong anesthetic…
There’s safety in numb bears.
Shenanigans
Because life is more fun when you are up to something
Google is actually derived from the mathematical term “googol” which means 1 with a hundred zeroes following it.
I don’t think dressing gowns are given enough credit.
Cold? Put your dressing gown on.
Upset? Put your dressing gown on.
Feeling frumpy? Put your dressing gown on.
Life falling apart? Put your dressing gown on.
That sounds truly disgusting.
Impish’s downfall!
Oh man! I like the black ones!
Oh NO!
A repeat, but worth it.
Saturday and the world mourns, the disciples come out of hiding and mourn, no one believes that the Christ will rise again. No one truly believes.
But Sunday is coming…
Sunday and the empty tomb! Mary is the first to find the open grave and runs to tell the others. Soon, many see the resurrected Jesus and everything, EVERYTHING is proven. ALL of our sins are washed away. He took the punishment that WE deserve so that we can return home.
He made salvation easy …
Follow Romans Road:
First stop: Romans 3:23 For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God
Second stop: Romans 6:23a For the wages of sin is death
Third stop: Romans 6:23b but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord
Fourth stop: Romans 10:9 because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.
Final stop: Romans 5:1 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.
I’m jumping right in on this one having just finished the last one, simply because I have the time, the dogs are quiet, I’m comfortable, and my son will be here on Sunday to replace the fence, so I have to get ahead.
I know you all are anxiously awaiting the answers to the little quiz I gave you at the end of the last episode so let’s … wait till the end like I gave them to you in the LAST episode.
STOP throwing things at me!!!
I heard someone call mashed potatoes “Irish guacamole” today and I will never call them mashed potatoes again.
No, I don’t wonder about that anymore either. When we can have Gays for Islam (you do realize that in Islam, gays are thrown off roofs, right?) and we have people in Iran celebrating and people in America protesting and others saying that kids in kindergarten can choose their gender and men can have babies!!!! I’m figuratively pulling my hair out of my head here! No, I don’t wonder about how entire countries can be deceived…or at least large portions of it.
Yes … that was a bit of a mini-rant.
Is it the ‘S’ or the ‘C’ that is silent in the word ‘SCENT’?
I just realized that someone replaced the toilet paper roll. I’m now concerned that there is someone living here that I don’t know.
Not one that everyone will get.
I can get you some unicorn shanks, but you ain’t gettin’ any loins!
Worm humor…
Chris sent this to me and it needs to be spread far and wide so that everyone knows how screwed up this country really is. If you or I tried to run our personal household the way the government runs it’s financial “household” we would be put in prison. This is from Chris:
The US..
Newly-released Treasury financial statements show that as of Sept. 30, 2025, the federal government held $6.06 trillion in total assets against a staggering $47.78 trillion in liabilities
At the same time, the government continues to spend far more than it brings in. In fiscal year 2025, federal revenue totaled $5.24 trillion, while spending reached $7.34 trillion.
To put that in terms people would better understand:
A family owns a house (has assets) worth $61,000, earns $52,000 a year and spends $73,000 a year and owes (or has outstanding debt of) $477,000. That means the family does not pay down the debt each year but adds $21,000 of additional debt each year.
I’m absolutely embarrassed for our country.
My Kid: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff.
Me: Like what?
My Kid: Like if I don’t clean my room a portal will open and take me to another dimension.
Me: Well, that’ what happened to your older brother.
My Kid: What older brother?
Me: Exactly.
Are you sweating while putting gas in your car? Feeling sick while paying for it?
You’ve got the Carowner virus.
Remember this one from the other issue? Pete just sent me this today:
That’s funny, I just made this one yesterday with the same picture.
Screenshot
I can’t decide which type of mattress to buy.
I might have to sleep on it.
Twice, as a matter of fact … and no, I don’t want to talk about it.
Why’s it always gotta be Bob?
What’s the difference between a kleptomaniac and a literalist?
The literalist takes things literally. The kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
I think the punchline would have been better like this:
The literalist take things literally and the kleptomaniac literally takes things.
But that’s just me.
Celebrate the Ides of March with a donut. In fact …
Eat two, Brute.
For you who don’t know, the Ides of March have already passed…so this joke is a little late. March 15th.
So here we are, it’s Easter Thursday. The Last Supper, The Garden of Gethsemane, Judas’ betrayal … a lot going on today. Jesus healed a Roman guard that Peter cut the ear off of and then allowed Himself to be arrested quietly. All the disciples ran away. Then John and Peter quietly followed Jesus to the first “trial” where as Jesus predicted, Peter denied Christ three times before the cock crowed. Jesus then looked directly at him and Peter ran away in tears and in shame. Jesus later forgives him … of course.
We’re almost straying into Friday…but, since the next issue isn’t until Saturday, we can stray into Friday.
Friday, Christ is put on trial. A fake trial. An illegal trial in so many different ways. As soon as Pilate says that he finds nothing to charge Him with He should have been released…by Roman law.
Beaten, whipped, shamed, spit on, ridiculed, disrespected in every possible way. Forced to carry His own cross to Golgotha where He is crucified, died and is then buried.
But Sunday is coming.
Sunday Is Coming.
So, the answers to The TWELVE GREATEST DAYS IN HISTORY!
You did realize that they may not have taken place yet, right? Oh? You hadn’t figured that out? Well, it’s all history to God. How many did you get right? Let’s see:
One: The Second Coming of Christ (Rev 19) Two: The Rapture of the Church (1 Thes 4) Three: The Ascension of Christ (Acts 2) Four: The Resurrection of Christ (Matt 28) Five: The Death of Christ: (Matt 27) Six: The Birth of Christ: (Luke 2) Seven: The Completion of the New Testament (Rev 22) Eight: The Completion of the Old Testament (Mal 4) Nine: The Birth of the Church (Acts 2) Ten: The Birth of Israel (Gen 12) Eleven: The Creation of Man (Gen 1-2) Twelve: The Creation of the World (Gen 1)
And there you have it. When I first got this quiz, I think I got 6 right and 1 of the top 3.
I hope you enjoyed this issue as much as I did, until next time…
Got a major storm system headed our way, by the time you read this it will all be passed, of course, but it’s about an hour or so out right now, but we’re under a severe thunder storm watch with the possibility of tornadoes, and baseball sized hail.
I have no doubt that God will protect us, He always has and He always will.
So, while we wait …
Halfway through a long flight, a flight attendant noticed a man gripping his armrest like it owed him money. He was drenched in sweat, shaking, and chewing his nails down to the quick.
Concerned, she leaned in and said, “Sir, you don’t look well. Can I get you something to help calm your nerves? Maybe a whiskey?”
The man closed his eyes, clearly battling himself, then finally whispered, “…Okay.”
A little while later, she checked on him again. Somehow, he looked worse – paler, shakier, eyes darting everywhere.
“Another whiskey?” she offered gently.
He didn’t even trust himself to speak this time. He just nodded.
On her next pass, she found him hunched over, quietly sobbing into his napkin.
Now genuinely worried, she said, “I’ve seen nervous flyers before, but never this bad. You must be terrified of flying.”
The man looked up, miserable, and said, “I’m not afraid of flying at all… I’m trying to quit drinking!”
Yup.
A married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach for his corporation.
After a few days, he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation.
Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend, “Take the next plane for a fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress.”
His friend was quick to wire back, “Your wife and I are arriving tomorrow at 11:30 a.m. How long have you known about us?”
Just got a warning that it’s supposed to start raining in a few minutes so I took the dogs out for the last time and cleared out the entry to the basement. I have a trapdoor in my pantry to get to the basement, which, of course has stuff on it, so I moved said stuff into the kitchen, which leaves me free to lift the trapdoor to get to the basement stairs if need be. It is times like this that I had local TV.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
– Dwight D. Eisenhower (1890-1969), Inaugural Address, January 20, 1953
Well, now the lights are going on and off so I’m getting off of here for a while. Talk later.
Well, it’s now the next day (Friday) and as it turns out, it got really exciting … for everyone except the Impish Lair. It was a complete and total non-event here. But, across town, the power went out, trees were uprooted, hail (not baseball sized, just regular sized). We got some rain, torrential for a little while, but even the lightning was kind of off in the distance.
And it’s not like my little town is anything but…little. My work assistant lives 3.5 miles away, it says so right there on Google maps, lost power. His whole side of town did. His son got sent home from work at Taco Bell because they didn’t have power.
The hot dog stand less than a mile from me was without power.
There was a 120 mph wind gust reported in the next county over … headed right for us!
But for House Impish …. not much.
God is SO GOOD!!
I hate to say I told you, but…
I TOLD YOU!
I need a hundred of those signs made up, please.
I have no idea why I saved this picture, but I did.
There’s a new health study that was just completed that claims having sex decreases your chances of getting a cold.
The more sex you have, the less chance you’ll have of catching a cold.
Can you just picture how it’s gonna be in office’s across the country this winter, every time a woman sneezes there’ll be some guy saying, “Hey, I got something for that.”
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box.
He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.
Not Gutenberg?” gasped the collector.
Yes, that was it!”
You idiot! You’ve thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!”
Oh, I don’t think this book would have been worth anything close to that much,” replied the man.
“It was scribbled all over in the margins by some clown named Martin Luther.”
It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter.
When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches.
The boy asked what they were for.
“People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by,” his older brother explained.
“Wouldn’t you know it,” the boy fumed. “The one Sunday I don’t go and He showed up!”
Nah! That’s pretty much the expectation.
A well-dressed, soft-spoken woman walked into a pharmacy one afternoon. She waited patiently in line, then approached the counter with a calm smile and said, very politely:
“Good afternoon. I’d like to purchase some cyanide.”
The pharmacist blinked, thinking he must have misheard. “I’m sorry… you’d like to buy what?”
“Cyanide,” she repeated, just as calmly. “A small amount will do.”
The pharmacist’s face went pale. “Ma’am, I can’t sell you cyanide! That’s extremely dangerous. What on earth would you need it for?”
She leaned in slightly and said, in the same even tone, “I intend to use it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist nearly jumped out of his shoes. “Poison your husband?! Absolutely not! That’s illegal! I could lose my license, you could go to prison – we’d both be in serious trouble. There’s no way I’m giving you cyanide!”
The woman sighed, as if she had expected this reaction. Then she calmly reached into her purse, pulled out a photograph, and slid it across the counter.
The pharmacist picked it up and looked closely. It showed her husband… in bed… with the pharmacist’s own wife.
He stared at it for a long moment, then looked back at the woman, cleared his throat, and said:
“Well now… that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
Chris sent me a GREAT quote for the times and two great cartoons to go along with it. Very appropriate for what’s going on.
Winston Churchill
“Never, never, never believe any war will be smooth and easy…Weak incompetent or arrogant commanders; untrustworthy allies; hostile neutrals; malignant fortune; ugly surprises; awful miscalculations – all take their seat at the council board on the morrow of a declaration of war”
Today is the second day of Easter week. Yesterday was Palm Sunday. The day that Jesus enters into Jerusalem on a “young colt”. A young donkey that’s never been ridden, satisfying another prophesy. He is welcomed by the crowds waving palm branches and shouting hallelujah as they would for a returning, conquering king. Sadly, their appeal will be short lived.
Today, day two, Holy Monday called by some, Jesus curses the fruitless fig tree, representative of Israel at the time of having the outward form but no real fruit. He also clears out the corrupted money changers from the temple who were not only cheating the people but keeping the Gentiles out of the only place they were allowed to come to worship.
Tomorrow, Tuesday is the awe-inspiring Olivet discourse. Read Matthew 21:23 thru 24:51. Some great parables and teachings.
Wednesday is a down day for Jesus and the disciples, but Judas is busy agreeing to betray the Son of Man.
And Thursday … we’ll talk about on Thursday.
We are marching towards the greatest event in history. The one event that ties together all of Christianity. Without this event, there is no Christianity.
Now, not the greatest day in history according to a list that I found once. Here’s a pop quiz. What are the TWELVE GREATEST DAYS IN HISTORY according to whatever organization it was that I got this list from? I’ll give you a hint…The creation of Man (Gen 1-2) and the Creation of the World (Gen 1) are numbered 11 & 12 respectively. Who wants to take a stab at the top 3? Or even number 1? I guess I gave away the fact that the whole Easter theme is not number 1 … so?
Dragon Laffs 