Dragon Laffs #1643

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Good Morning Campers,

Very busy week this week so no real lead in.  Let’s just get to it.

Let's Laugh 4

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There once was a farmer whose wife had died and left him with three beautiful teenage daughters. Every weekend, when they went out on dates, the farmer would stand at the door with his shotgun, making it clear to their dates he wanted no trouble from them.

Another Saturday night came around. At about 7 pm., there was a knock on the door. He answered and the young man said,

“Hi, my name’s Joe. I’m here for Flo. I’m taking her to the show. Is she ready to go?”

The farmer thought he was a clever boy and wished them a good time.

A few minutes later, another knock was heard. A second boy appeared and said,

“Hi, I’m Eddie. I’m here for Betty. I’m taking her for spaghetti. I hope she’s ready.”

He thought that he must know Joe, but bade them off as well with his best wishes.

A few minutes after that, a third knock was heard.

“Hi, I’m Chuck…”

 5059

Tax return submitted by a New Jersey citizen.

The IRS returned a tax return to a man in New Jersey after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly. In response to question 23: “Do you have anyone dependent on you?”, the man wrote: “2.1 million illegal immigrants,1.1 million crack-heads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000criminals in over 85 prisons, plus 650 idiots in Washington, and the entire group that call themselves politicians”.

On the returned form, someone at the IRS had attached a Post-it Note beside the question with an arrow and the words: “Your response to question 23 is unacceptable.”

The man sent it back to the IRS with his response on the bottom of the Post It Note: “Who did I leave out?”

5060

Due to a power outage, the house was very dark so the paramedic asked little 3 year-old Kathleen to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.  When little Connor was born, the paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom and he began to cry.

The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3 year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place, spank him again!”

5061

I promised myself I’d do things differently today, so I’m sitting at the other end of my couch.

5062

Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church. Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals.
The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters. Concerned for my husband’s safety, I waited in a pew.
Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying.
Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, “Sam, Sam — are you up there? Did you make it okay?”
There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam’s hearty voice echoed down, “Yes, I made it up here just fine!”

5063

I don’t have any bad habits.

I’m good at all of them.

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I’d prefer a job where I am politely ignored and left to my own devices…with unlimited internet access, cupcakes, and coffee.

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Political

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In a recent survey carried out for the leading toiletries firm ‘Brut’, people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, 86% of Chicago’s inner city residents (almost all of whom are registered Democrats) say that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn’t been to prison yet.

Sort of brings a tear to your eye.

5065

This next one was sent to me by the Whelpling…
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Son: Mom, can I sleep with you?  I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

5066

Got arrested last night…

I guess in hindsight, getting drunk and running through Arby’s –nude – yelling, “I HAVE THE MEAT!” was a bad idea.

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Motivational

Rednecks25 (2)

redundancy

Redundancy2

Redundancy3

reenacting twilight

Reflex

Regret

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regrets

Semper Fi! Brother!

Regulations

Relationships

When marijuana is legalized all taxes on it should go to road repairs and the program should be called “Operation Pot Holes.”

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The good news is: I’ve made it to my Golden Years!

The bad news is: There ain’t no gold…

We all love animals…right?

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I like to play this game called nap roulette.  It’s where I take a nap but don’t set an alarm.

Will it be a 30 minute nap?  Will it be a 3 hour nap?  Will I wake up tomorrow?

Nobody knows.

But it’s risky.

And I LIKE IT!

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Me: (Sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) I can’t see you anymore!  I am NOT going to let you hurt me like this again!

Trainer: It was a sit up.  You did one sit up.

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And with that cheerful thought, that’s the end of the laffs for this week.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

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Dragon Laffs #1642

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Good Morning Campers,

So…yeah…all of that happened. 

And it hasn’t been easy.  But, as my friend Erin says, “That’s pretty normal.”  Yup, that’s me….pretty normal.

Not friggin’ likely!

But………

In this, yeah. 

And I have to tell you all that I am so very grateful to all of you for the outpouring of love that I received.  It made all the difference in the world. I’m not sure I’d even be as well off as I’m am…or not…without you guys.  Thank you all so very much.

One thing being off line has caused me though is…glancing over at my inbox, I have 1579 unread emails!  Holy crap!  So, it’s gonna take me a little while to get through those!  But, that’s also okay.  It means lots of laughs for you guys.

Now!

We missed a special day this last week!  Tuesday was Momma Diaman’s Birthday!!!  Happy (Belated) Birthday, Mom!

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Hope you had a great day! 

Everybody send an email to Diaman and tell her happy birthday!  No….sadly, I can’t give you her email, that goes against our privacy policy…or at least my own personal privacy policy.

Okay…….next, let get to some of those laffs that we ALL need right now!

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The preacher was preaching with all his might. The subject was SIN, and he was most certainly ‘against’ sin.
A girl, with a wonderful figure, and not nearly enough clothes to hide much skin, came in late. She strode down the center aisle, close to the front, and sat down.
It was plain to the preacher that he had lost the men in his audience to this voluptuous sex-object.
He shook a fist at her and said, “You are the Jezebel the good book tells us about. You have got the mind of every man in this building on evil thoughts and not good thoughts. But I am a man of God! You don’t affect me, and right now up in Heaven, you fallen woman. Saint Finger is shaking his Peter at you!!”

5046

Tryouts for the U.S. Olympic women’s marathon swim team were to be held.. The first was in California; a swim from Santa Monica to Catalina Island doing only the breaststroke.
Three women signed up for the tryouts: a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.
The race started, and after approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the winner. About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled ashore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete this regulation breaststroke race, she replied, “I don’t want to sound like I’m a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms.”

5047

I can drive a woman wild with my tongue!
It’s pretty easy…
All you do is say, “Have you put on weight?”

5048

 

The next thing we need to talk about is this past Thursday was Valentine’s Day!  And since you guys are all my favorite Valentines…

LoveHeartCandleValentinesDay-vi[3]

And now…because of course, we can’t just leave it at that…

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flower cat

rosesSingle28Snoopy Valentine

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Val heart

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Okay…and back to our regularly scheduled program…

Bob’s wife, Mary, and Bob started a diet a week ago.

Mary suggested that they should have a cheat day, today.

Mary brought home McDonald’s burgers, KFC wings, and Bob brought home his secretary.

From his hospital bed, Bob is now wondering when men will ever begin to understand women.

No similarity between Mr. and Mrs. Dragon is suggested or implied.

5049

Once again, no similarity between Mr. or Mrs. Dragon is suggested or implied.

Okay, this next one is horrible and I apologize immensely….but I just couldn’t help myself.

A girl sneezed in the pub and her glass eye flew out and landed in my hand.  I took it back to her and we got chatting.

After a few beers, I took her home and shagged her.

Wondering if she was a bit of a slapper, I asked her, “Do you shag everyone on a first date?”

She said, “No, only those that catch my eye…”

So, like I said…sorry.

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I was in psychology class yesterday…

and we couldn’t stop laughing about how stupid Pavlov’s dogs were.  Then the bell rang and we all had lunch.

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Hey!  How about a bunch of animal funnies?  What was it we called those?????

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My doctor asked me if I ever had a stress test?  “Yes,” I replied.  “It’s called life.”

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I’m putting myself in a ‘time out’ until I’m able to play nice with others…This could take a while!

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Work?
Really?
Again?
Didn’t I just do that yesterday?

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Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.  The first surgeon said, “Electricians are the best.  Everything inside is color coded.”

The second surgeon says, “No.  I think librarians are the best.  Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The third surgeon shut them both up when he said, “You’re all wrong.  Politicians are the easiest to operate on.  There’s no guts, no heart, no brain, and no spine.  Plus the head and the ass are interchangeable!”

5056

I’m so offended when my body decides to be sick!

I gave you a vegetable last week!  How dare you!

motivational wooden sign

Okay, we’ll do some motivationals and call it an issue.

Rear naked choke

Reason

rebooting

recession

Reciprocity

recognition

Recreational Drugs

Recurring Villains

recycling

Redheads

Redneck TV Tray

Not sure ingenuity is the word I’d use…

My uncle just texted me asking what does IDK mean. 

I said I don’t know…

He said damn!  Nobody does!

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Being kissed while you’re asleep is one of the most purest forms of love…

Unless you are in prison.

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That’s it dear friends.  I hope you enjoyed and until we meet again.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

 

 

Stan and Val

Rest in Peace my dear ones.

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Sigh

I’m sorry, but there’s not going to be an issue this week…

Again…

I lost my brother on Saturday. I thought I would be together enough to put an issue out, but I’m not.

I guess it is bound to happen as you get older that you lose loved ones, but this is not right. He was only 52 years old and he died accidentally. So, it was completely unexpected.

What a crappy year this is turning out to be.

I apologize my friends, but let’s try again next week.

My love to you all.

Posted in Uncategorized | 26 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1641

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Good Morning Campers,

Cold week, this week.  This is what I had Wednesday morning:7bCan you see the circled bit?  That says negative 48 wind-chill.  FORTY-EIGHT DEGREES BELOW ZERO!!!!!!!!  I don’t think I have EVER seen temperatures that low before in my life.

Right now, 6:15 pm on Wednesday night, it is –9 degrees with a –22 degree wind-chill.  So we’ve had a 50% increase in temperature and wind-chill and it’s still below zero and right now is the warmest it’s been all day.

The Wabash River is frozen.
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I’m telling you…it’s friggin’ cold!

So, we need this…

Let's Laugh

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Senior Humor…

Late one night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.

‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’

‘Sure.’

‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.

‘No, I can remember it.’

‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’

He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’ ‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.

Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’ Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.’Where’s my toast?’

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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.’

The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’

The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that’s red and has thorns.’

‘Do you mean a rose?’

‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘ Rose , what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’

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Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. ‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’

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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: ‘So I hear you’re getting married?’

‘Yep!’

‘Do I know her?’

‘Nope!’

‘This woman, is she good looking?’

‘Not really.’

‘Is she a good cook?’

‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’

‘Does she have lots of money?’

‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’

‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’

‘Because she can still drive!’

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Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’

Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’

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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’

‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

I can absolutely attest to the fact that Arthritis can feel like and mimic crush nuts.

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My Life Is Just A Series Of Awkward And Humiliating Moments Separated By Snacks.

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Childhood Injuries:

Fell off my bike
Fell out of a tree
Twisted my ankle

Adult Injuries:

Slept wrong
Sat down too long
Sneezed too hard

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I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.

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My bank has informed me that Facebook friends can not be used as references for a car loan.
You guys are useless.

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cookie

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it gets all brown and soggy?

Cookies don’t do that.

 

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The first person who ever inhaled helium must have been so damn relieved when the effect wore off.

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My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

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A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

“Where’s Henry?” the others asked.

“Henry had a stroke o’ some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter replied .

“You left Henry layin’ out there and carried the deer back?” they inquired.

“A tough call,” nodded the hunter. “But I figured no one’s gonna steal Henry!”

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A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying… “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana…”

When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in Louisiana ’cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”

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The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”

Bubba replied, “Did y’all see who it was?”

The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”

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A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, “I got a flat tahr.”

The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”

The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back.   —– I never did understand it neither”

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        In this particular Sunday sermon, the minister began, “Dear Lord,” with arms extended toward heaven and a  Rapturous look on his upturned face. “Without you, we Are but dust.”

He would have continued, but at that Moment my normally very obedient daughter (who was Listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly In her shrill little girl voice, “Mommy, what is butt dust?”

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Grumbling about the distance between campus buildings, a daughter wrote home to her father, who happened to be a veterinarian, asking for money to buy a second-hand motorcycle.
By the time the money arrived, she had changed her mind and bought a monkey instead.
After several weeks, the monkey started losing its hair.

Hoping her father would know how to cure it, she wrote him a letter. “Dad, please help. All the hair is falling off my monkey. What should I do?”
A couple of days later, she received a reply from her worried father. It read, “Sell the damn motorcycle!”

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Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me Janice, who created the universe?”

When Janice didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

“God Almighty!” shouted Janice, and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, “Who is our Lord and Savior.”

But Janice didn’t even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

“Jesus Christ!” shouted Janice, and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question: “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Janice jumped up and shouted,  “If you stick me with that thing one more time, I’ll break it in half and stick it up your ass!” …

The teacher fainted!

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America, if you don’t pay any attention to anything else I say, please pay attention to this:

A Super Bowl Sunday message from a Marine Corps Colonel in Afghanistan:

 

“So with all the kindness I can muster, I give this one piece of advice to the next pop star who is asked to sing the national anthem at a sporting event: save the vocal gymnastics and the physical gyrations for your concerts. Just sing this song the way you were taught to sing it in kindergarten – straight up, no styling.

Sing it with the constant awareness that there are soldiers, sailors, airmen and Marines watching you from bases and outposts all over the world. Don’t make them cringe with your self-centered ego gratification.

Sing it as if you are standing before a row of 96-year-old WWII vets wearing their Purple Hearts, Silver Stars and flag pins on their cardigans and you want them to be proud of you for honoring them and the country they love – not because you want them to think you are a superstar musician. They could see that from your costume, makeup and your entourage.

Sing ‘The Star Spangled Banner’ with the courtesy and humility that tells the audience that it is about America, not you. And please not everything needs to be punked up!  We’re getting a little weary of that. Francis Scott Key does not need any help.”

Semper Fi!

5040

A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So, I popped his balloon with my cigar and told him so was talking to strangers.

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The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh shit” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

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Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can’t help but stop and think, “Yup, I’m about to get my first assault charge!”

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In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

“I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news, he said as he surveyed the worried faces. The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.”

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, ‘How much will a brain cost?’

The doctor quickly responded, “$5,000 for a Democrat’s brain; $200 for a Republican’s brain.”

The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to ‘try’ to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans. A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, “Why is the Democrats brain so much more than a Republicans brain?”

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the Republicans brains a lot lower because they’ve been used.”

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So, freeing temperatures all week…Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday…

Wake up Friday morning to butt deep snow…

And today, while you are reading this we are on our way to 50 degree weather!!!!!

Gee, Impish.  Why are you and everyone else in Indiana sick?

Hmm, maybe a 70 degree temperature change in less than 48 hours has something to friggin’ do about it.

That’s what they say about Indiana…if you don’t like the weather, wait a minute.

You guys know I’ve been a little depressed lately and you know why … by the way, Papa Dragon Most Senior seems to be doing well.  Anyway, I got an email from Mom Diaman that was titled, this will make you feel better.  And it did.  Thanks Mom!  And I’m going to share half of it with you here:

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And we’ll get the other half next week!

And to wrap up today’s issue, let’s throw in some Motivationals…

Real Soldiers

Realists

reality

Reality2

Reality3

Reality4

Reality5

Reality6

Realization

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Really, I don't mind

And that’s it for this week my friends.  Until next week!

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

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Dragon Laffs #1640

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Good Morning Campers,

I gotta admit, it’s been a rough week.  But, we’re not going to dwell on that.  Instead, we’re going to laff! 

2a

So, it’s been a bit cold around here…wish I had known about this trick a couple of days ago…6b

 

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Yeah, but if you gotta go…..

Six Kinds of Sex…

1. PENSION SEX

Two men were talking.

“So, how’s your sex life?”

“Oh, nothing special. I’m having Pension sex.”

“Pension sex?”

“Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!”

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So, this is the way I’ve been for the last two weeks.  Bad head cold – flu.  It sucks.

2. LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem, doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.”

“My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.”

“The problem is,” she complained, “it wakes me up!”

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Yes, I know it was bloody awful, but what can I say?

3. QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, “How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?”

She glanced at him and replied, “You’re never home!”

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4. ARGUMENT SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yelled, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: ‘Here Lies My Wife – Cold as Ever.'”

“Yeah,” she replies, “when you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: ‘Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.'”

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I know people like that.

5. WOMEN’S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, “This will make you happy tonight.” He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn’t get back in.

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6. ELDERLY SEX

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 97 year-old husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.

She began coolly, ‘Yes, your honor. I figured that at 97, if he could still have sex…he could also probably fly.

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There is more money now being spent on Boob Jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer’s research…which means, by the year 2040 the elderly will have perky boobs, still willies and no idea why.

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6a

In all the media hoopla about the new congress, the “new breed of women politicians” and all the rest of the democratic bullshit that’s going on, have any of you even heard anything about these three men? 

No?

Hmmm, maybe because all three of them are Veterans and Republicans?

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That’s because it’s the wrong leprechaun!  For the full effect, you have to have the one and only original Lethal Leprechaun!!

5000

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m still doing it.

5001

I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning…

Now I’m not allowed to have any Sharpies in the house anymore.

5002

It’s strange how drinking 8 cups of water a day seems impossible, but 8 cups of coffee go down like a chubby kid on a see-saw.

5003

Woodstock 2019 is happening.  If you were nude at Woodstock ‘69, we kindly ask you don’t go nude to this one.  Thank you.  Management.

5004

I finally got a flu shot this week.  I got a jab in the arm with a sharp needle, I didn’t know this was an option!…6c

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there.

It was the bathroom, but still…

5005

I’m in big trouble if people find out I don’t really have Tourette’s.

5006

Just imagine how awesome life would be if biscuits and gravy made you skinny!

5007

Have ye ever listened to some folks for a minute and thought…

“Their cornbread just ain’t done in the middle.”

5008

I told my ex I felt like killing him, and he said I needed professional help.

So I hired a hitman.

5009

When my wife is mad at me, I tighten all the jar lids so she has to come talk to me.

5010

You can tell a lot about someone by the coat they wear.

If the arms are tied in the back  by buckles, then they’re fun.

5011

I bought a new Lexus 450 and returned to the dealer the next day because I couldn’t get the radio to work. The Salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
“Nelson,” the salesman said to the radio.  The Radio replied, “Ricky or Willie?”
“Willie!” he continued and “On The Road Again” came from the speakers.
Then he said, “Ray Charles!”, and in an instant “Georgia On My Mind” replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I’d say, “Beethoven,” I’d get beautiful classical music, and if I said, “Beatles,” I’d get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, “Ass Holes!”
Immediately the Venezuelan National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on
guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax, Hillary on bagpipes and Kennedy on Scotch.

5012

I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.

“I wish to live forever,” I said.

“I’m sorry,” said the fairy, “but I’m not allowed to grant that particular wish.”

“Fine,” I said, “then I want to die the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people’s best interest.”

“You crafty bastard,” replied the fairy.

5013

Breaking News

DNC HEADQUARTERS EVACUATED AFTER SUSPICIOUS PACKAGE DISCOVERED.

Wait…all clear…just a copy of the Constitution.

5014

THERE IT IS!  THERE’S THE COMPARISON I KNEW WAS THERE!!
6d

The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, “You have a cute baby.”

The smiling husband said, “I’ll bet you say that to all the new parents.”

“No,” she replied, “just to those whose babies really are cute.”

The husband then asked, “So what do you say to the others?”

The nurse replied, “The baby looks just like you!”

5015

6e

6f

6g

How to stop time: KISS

How to travel in time: READ

How to escape time: MUSIC

How to feel time: WRITE

How to waste time: SOCIAL MEDIA

5016

So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out?

5017

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

 

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, “Are you okay?

 

“As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for…

 

“I’m okay I think,” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

 

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

 

“That’s nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!”

 

“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”

 

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.”

 

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better but I know my wife is   going to be really upset so I’d better go now.”

 

“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”

 

“Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess.”

5018

SHORT LOVE STORY
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,………. ‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.’

‘I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.’

‘Wow!………………….. That’s a great idea!’, he exclaimed. ‘Good,’ she replied. ………….’Get your own fucking blanket.’

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

Let’s wrap up today with some Motivationals, shall we?

random

random2

If you don’t know what a Random Encounter is, you’re either way too young or never played real D&D.

Ranger

Rare Sighting

Rare View

Rasta Dog

Reading on the Throne

Reading

Real Estate

real life

Real Reason

 

And that’s it for today my dear friends.  Thank you very much for all your kind words and compassion these last few weeks.  It has meant a lot that you, my family, has been there with me.

Until next time.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

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