Dragon Laffs

Just got that header today from Aussie Pete, but I liked it so much it jumped to the front of the line! That is me every single night before bed. I READ. I don’t scroll, I don’t look at Facebook, YouTube, or anything else. I read. I have the Kindle app on my phone and on my tablet and they are synced and I read … a LOT.

Anyway, been an interesting day so far. Monday. My last day off of a LONG weekend. I should have gone back to work today, but took an extra day of leave just because I wanted to. I took a picture of the new fence to the City building to see if I could keep them from coming back by the house … save them a trip and they seemed very thankful and hopefully that will satisfy them and they will now leave me alone and the complaining neighbors will … well … stop their complaining.

Anyway, after this hard weekend and everything that I’ve been through and the tremendous evidence that has slapped me around of how God has blessed me and kept me safe in His hands, no matter what. I need today to sit back, relax, praise God and spend some time with my friends. So …

This one is kind of interesting…

Kansas Law

The state game rule prohibits the use of mules to hunt ducks.

I want to know what episode in history made this law necessary?

Spoiled Squirrel

As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my handbag under the seat. 

Later I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag.  

When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me. 

One man handed me my purse, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of my handbag. 

“We’re required to inventory lost wallets and handbags,” he explained. “I think you’ll find everything there.”  

As I started to put my belongings back into the bag, the man continued, “I hope you don’t mind if we watch.  

Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse.  

And we’d like to see just how you do it.”

I agree, SO MUCH!!

I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old. My wife had him strapped in a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. 

Apparently she mis-stepped and fell down an entire flight of stairs, (13 to be exact). 

She was bruised, bleeding and had torn her jeans … but her main concern was, naturally, for our child. 

Her fears were alleviated though when from behind her she heard a gleeful giggle followed by, “Again!” 

NO. KIDDING!!!

I got news for you, he knows scripture better than any of us. He’s had a lot longer to study and learn than we have. He will tell you the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth … just not in that order or all at the same time. He knows how the story ends. He knows he can’t win, but to him, if he can take as many of us with him to hell, that’s a win for him. Don’t let him take you.

This one is special for my favorite nurse!

A Doctor died and was being screened for the destination of his soul’s eternal afterlife. 

Unfortunately he’d been a bit of a lout and greedy to boot, so he wasn’t quite certain what to expect. 

Upon his arrival at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him and informed the Doctor that he would be allowed to choose from one of the doors before him, but that because of his greed and misdeeds, he may find the choices rather disturbing. 

Upon opening the first door, he saw fire and brimstone of truly Biblical proportions, a horrifying sight, and quickly closed it. 

After looking through the second door, he was even more horrified to see various tortured souls ravaged by plague, disease, and other maladies too terrible to mention, while an evil guard stood watch. 

Nervously he opened the third door to discover groups of white-coated male physicians, being waited on hand and foot by beautiful young women dressed in little more than nursing caps! 

He rushed excitedly back to Saint Peter and said, “I’ll take the third door!” 

“Oh, no, I’m afraid that’s not possible,” exclaimed Saint Peter. “That’s NURSES’ Hell!”

Low tech boss:

WHAT SIZE ENVELOPES DO WE USE

FOR E-MAIL?

Noah was standing at the gangplank checking off the pairs of animals when he saw three camels trying to get on board. 

“Wait a minute!” said the patriarch. “Two of each is the limit. One of you will have to stay behind.” 

“It won’t be me,” said the first camel. “I’m the camel whose back is broken by the last straw.” 

“I’m the one people swallow while straining at a gnat,” said the second one. 

“I,” said the third, “am the one that shall pass through the eye of a needle sooner than a rich man shall enter Heaven.” 

“Come on in,” said Noah, “the world is going to need all of you.”

Truly, Truly Funny!

And again, we reach the end of another issue…well…episode. My issues will NEVER end. Until next time, my dear friends…

As promised, jumping right into the next issue! It’s still Saturday, the fence is done, my body is hurting and I’m trying to relax before bed time. So, after the last issue and a definite lack of laughter, we need to step it up with this episode and get to it! So, without further ado,

Sounds PERFECT!

A blonde said, “I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid.”

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, ‘What does love mean?’ The answers they got were broader, deeper, and more profound than anyone could have ever imagined! See if you can read this with a dry eye.

‘When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore… So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.’ Rebecca – age 8

‘When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.’ Billy – age 4

‘Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.’ Karl – age 5

‘Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.’ Chrissy – age 6

‘Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.’ Terri – age 4

‘Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.’ Danny – age 8

‘Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and just listen.’ Bobby – age 7 (Wow!)

‘If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.’ Nikka – age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)

‘Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day.’ Noelle – age 7

‘Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.’ Tommy – age 6

‘During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.’ Cindy – age 8

‘My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.’ Clare – age 6

‘Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.’ Elaine – age 5

‘Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.’ Chris – age 7

‘Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.’ Mary Ann – age 4

‘I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.’ Lauren – age 4

‘When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.’ (what an image!) Karen – age 7

‘Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross…’ Mark – age 6

‘You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.’ Jessica – age 8

And the final one: The winner was a four-year-old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, ‘Nothing, I just helped him cry.’

Now, take 60 seconds and post this for other to see. And then be a child again today!

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. 

He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. 

Being curious the man rowed over and asked, “What is the mirror for?”

“That’s my secret way to catch fish,” said the other man. 

“Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. 

Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat.” 

“Wow! Does that really work?”

“You bet it does.”

“Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I’ll give you $30 for it.” 

“Well, okay.”

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, “By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?” 

“You’re the sixth,” he said.

A city man finally achieved his dream of moving out to the country and buying a small, fixer-upper hobby farm. He was eager to get started, but after purchasing the land and fixing the barn, he found himself incredibly short on funds. Desperate to start producing milk, he went shopping for a dairy cow.

To his dismay, all the local heifers were selling for premium prices. Searching around, he finally spotted a classified ad for a breeding cow in a neighboring town listed at less than half the going rate. Thinking he scored the deal of a century, he hitched up his trailer, bought the discounted cow, and brought her home.

The next day, he called up his neighbor, a seasoned farmer who owned a massive, prize-winning breeding bull. The neighbor agreed to bring his bull over to try and get the new cow settled so she could start producing.

They led the bull into the pasture, but things immediately went awry. Every time the bull tried to approach, the cow would abruptly turn her back, step away, and completely ignore him. When the bull grew more persistent, the cow aggressively lowered her head, nudged him aside, and entirely shoved the confused bull across the field. No matter what the bull tried, the cow flatly refused to cooperate.

After an hour of watching this disastrous display, the bull’s owner wiped the sweat from his brow, leaned against the fence post, and sighed. “Hey, pal,” he asked, “did you happen to buy that cow over in Shelbyville?”

The new farmer blinked in surprise. “Yeah, I did! Wow, how on earth did you guess that?”

The neighbor shook his head grimly. “I thought so. My wife is from Shelbyville.”

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Driving to a new restaurant, Judy took several wrong turns.

When she finally found the right road, she asked her husband, “Why didn’t you tell me I was lost?” 

“I thought you knew where you were going,” he replied. “You always know where you’re going when I’m driving.”

“Flight 1234,” the control tower advised, “turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement.” 

“Roger,” the pilot responded, “but we’re at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?” 

“Sir,” the radar man replied, “have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?” 

I sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history. 

After he finished all 17 pages, he looked at me and said, “You look better in person than you do on paper.” 

And that’s it my friends. I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did. Until next time.

Okay, so today is Wednesday, but you should be reading this on Saturday and while you are reading this, I’m hoping that I have lots of people over and the weather is cooperating so that my fence is being repaired. I’ve got people lined up and the dumpster lined up … but I haven’t heard much about the fence pieces being lined up. But, it’s all in God’s hands.

Speaking of weather, we are bracing for more tornadoes tonight. We were supposed to have two rounds. One from noon to five and the other from five to midnight or so. It is now going on five and the first round was a dud. Praise God. We don’t want any more tornadoes. But this evening is supposed to be the bad one. We continue to pray that God will continue to protect us, as He always has.

So, I was going to use AI to generate a picture for a header for the fence, which I can do with WordPress and I said, “Young blue dragon repairing a wooden fence.” and this is what I got:

So, then I said, make it a panel fence. And I got this one:

And then I thought, well I’m not going to be alone, so I said, to add bikers helping. This is what came out next:

And THEN I thought, well, it’s not just gonna be bikers, it’s gonna be folks from the church, so what should I call them? So I said, add Christians helping and the final picture looks like this:

And that just cracked me up, so I had to share it with you guys. So, picture that while you’re reading this issue and I’ll try to send some real pictures on Monday’s episode. Now…

STOP! BREAK! HOLD THE PRESSES!!

Today is Saturday and I got my laptop back! Yay! They got it done much faster than they thought! I’m SO HAPPY!

AND…Today is Saturday … Fence Day! The fence is DONE! So, pictures!

So first, the dumpster was delivered on Thursday. Thanks to my deputy for delivering this!

Okay, then last night, I went to bed, no fence and I got up this morning at around 6 am and …

Okay, so here’s the deal. The fencing gets dropped off at my house, right next to my living room windows, I don’t notice or wake up, THE DOGS DON’T BARK, how does this happen?!?! Let me explain…my dogs bark when a squirrel runs past the house!!! How did these guys drop off a stack of fencing and NOBODY noticed?!

U N B E L I E V E A B L E !!

Okay, old “Apocalypse Fence” looked like this:

New fence…

The completed fence!!!!!! I’m so very pleased. This is what it looks like from the neighbor’s yard. I hope they are pleased.

All I can say is, I am the one who is blessed by God. Everything came together, it was all part of God’s plan to bring everything together they way He did. I don’t know if the City will be happy with the way the fence looks, whether they’ll want more done, all I can say is that the guys did a fantastic job, God was with us the whole time, the weather was perfect, the help was all there, the tools were all there. I AM SO BLESSED. All praise go to you Lord!

And finally, the crew (minus one who took off early) who took care of it all.

From left: Robbie (Grandson), Ghost, Impish, Shane (Back) Tink (Front, dutch granddaughter), Angel (Daughter-in Law), Quentin, Hayden (other Grandson), Whelpling (Son), (missing Ron)

From here …. I think I’m going to just send this out, call it an issue and start on Monday’s. Thank you Lord, for all your blessings and thank you my friends for all of yours.

Well, I haven’t even gotten to Saturday and the fence and the next shoe has dropped.

My laptop has died.

My connection to you guys.

My ability to satisfy this addiction that I have. This craving that gnaws at my insides.

It’s not dead, dead. The battery is fried. It’s at the shop. Internal battery and they have to order one. That’s one of the downsides of living in a small town. Nothing is “on hand”.

So, I’m off line for about a week. But it’s a whole lot better than a new laptop.

I think I’ve told you before about how throughout my marriage with Mary, every year on or near our anniversary something would go wrong. Car breaks down, stove and refrigerator die (same year) all kinds of stuff! Every single year. We would count on it.

It hasn’t really happened since she passed away.

But our anniversary is coming up on July 15th. Making up for the last 4 years?

ROFLMAO!!!

No!!

I’m smiling here.

I went to the hospital this morning (don’t freak out, I just had some labs to do. Normal stuff.) and when I got home this is what I found from Willow dragon:

She ate her own pillow!

I had to laugh…I just had to.

Anyway my friends, I’ll try maybe to send updates through the phone like this one on fence Saturday but for the most part…I’ll just try to keep you updated.

Love you all!

Keep me in your prayers, I really think I need it!

Impish

I have another thank you to start this issue with. Thanks to Michael F for his kind donation that came in Monday morning. Thank you so very much my friend. Your generosity is deeply appreciated.

Dumpster is supposed to be delivered today, which should be step one in the great fence replacement caper. You know I’m going to take pictures, right? You should see those on Monday’s issue.

So, in the mean time, let’s get to the laughter so we can move on to the good stuff.

A mother had been teaching her three-year daughter, Caitlin, the Lord’s prayer. 

For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after her mother the lines from the prayer. 

Finally, she decided to go solo. 

The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: “Lead us not into temptation,” she prayed, “but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.” 

A Rabbi who’s been leading a congregation for many years is upset by the fact that he’s never been able to eat pork. 

So he devises a plan whereby he flies to a remote tropical island and checks into a hotel. 

He immediately gets himself a table at the finest restaurant and orders the most expensive pork dish on the menu. 

As he’s eagerly waiting for it to be served, he hears his name called from across the restaurant. 

He looks up to see 10 of his loyal congregants approaching. His luck, they’d chosen the same time to visit the same remote location! 

Just at that moment, the waiter comes out with a huge silver tray carrying a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth. 

The Rabbi looks up sheepishly at his congregants and says, “Wow – you order an apple in this place and look how it’s served!”

A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City. 

He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a resident New Yorker. 

He asked, “Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?” 

The Saudi replied, “Excuse me, but what is a shortage?” 

The Russian said, “Excuse me, but what is meat?”

The North Korean replied, “Excuse me, but what is an opinion?” 

The New Yorker replied, “What is ‘excuse me’?”

Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

– last words of Pancho Villa (1877-1923)

Every one of these is absolutely true!!! Being a former bomb troop, I can verify some of them myself and the rest through experience and logic!

MILITARY WISDOM

“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. 
That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.”
 -Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance. 

“Aim towards the Enemy.”  -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher 

“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
  -U.S. Marine Corps

“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. 
The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” 
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

“If the enemy is in range, so are you.”
   -Infantry Journal

“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.” 
-U.S. Air Force Manual

“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.”
 -Gen. Mac Arthur

“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.”
        -Infantry Journal

“You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me.” 
    -U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

“Tracers work both ways.”
-U.S. Army Ordnance

“Five second fuses only last three seconds.”  -Infantry Journal 

“Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last, and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.” 
-U. S Navy Swabbie

“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.”
            -David Hackworth 

“If your attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush.” 
            -Infantry Journal

“No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.”
      -Joe Gay

“Any ship can be a minesweeper… once.”  -Anon

“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.”
      -Unknown Marine Recruit

“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.”
           -Your Buddies 

“If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.”
    -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop 

“Kevin, how come you’re using two caddies today?”

“Cause my wife tells me that I don’t spend enough time with my kids.” 

“You and your husband don’t seem to have an awful lot in common,” said the new tenant’s neighbor.”

“Why on earth did you get married?”

“I suppose it was the old business of  ‘opposites attract’,” was the reply. 

“He wasn’t pregnant and I was.”

Yeah, I got that one!

Just a plain and simple Amen.

Lampner’s Law of Employment: 

When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. 

When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot. 

And that’s it my dear friends. Until next we meet, …