Dragon Laffs #1650


Good Morning Campers,

So Tuesday morning, early, 0230 early to be precise, I got up out of bed to use the bathroom, as happens when you get to be an old man, so, I sat up on the edge of the bed, stood up and promptly fell back down.  Luckily, I fell right back on the bed.  So, figuring that I’m just tired, I stood up again.
And fell down again.
This is weird, thinks the dragon.
Third times the charm, I figure and stood up again, but this time I concentrate on JUST STANDING.
Mission accomplished!
So I take a step straight ahead to head to the bathroom and I crash to the right, grabbing ahold of the wall to stay standing.
It’s like I’m VERY drunk, without having drank anything.  It was the weirdest damn thing I have ever gone through in my whole life.  I could not walk in a straight line where I wanted to go.  Like that game, when we were kids, where we put our foreheads on a baseball bat and spun around in a circle and then tried to run.  But, that normally only lasted a couple of seconds.  This went on for hours.
I ended up at Immediate Care and from there to the Emergency Room for almost 12 hours.
“Can you tell us your full name and date of birth?” they said…. for the tenth or twelfth time.
”Yes,” said I.
And they just looked at me quizzically.  It’s not my fault they aren’t asking the correct questions.
They were afraid that I had a heart attack or a stroke or that I was having continuous mini strokes. Even though I told them I had the heart of a 19 year-old, they did an EKG.
“Do you know you have the heart of a 19 year-old?” they said.
”So, I’ve been told.” said I.
So, not a heart attack, moving on we did blood tests, CAT Scans, and finally an MRI on my head.
Two doctors, a Physician’s Assistant, a Nurse Practitioner, and an young male orderly standing in my room, concerned looks on their faces.  This is going to suck, thinks the dragon.
”Everything is perfectly healthy and normal.” They said.
”Except, of course for the whole falling and not walking thing.” said I.
”Yes, yes.  There is that.  We’re going to give you medicine for vertigo.” They said.
”Awesome movie.” said I.
Blank looks and a snicker.  My estimation of the orderly just went way up.
”You’re to take it three times a day.” They said.
”Evenly spaced out throughout the day or just when I feel like it, so long as I get three?” said I.
Another snicker.  I was playing to an audience of one.
Mrs. Dragon says, “Knock it off, Bob.”
The dragon thinks: they’ve been fucking with me for 12 hours and now I’m the one who has to behave?  Life is not fair.
The gaggle of medical professionals, thinking that the show is over, begin to make their way out of the room.  “Here is a script for the medication, follow up with your family doctor, and the orderly will get you to sign the papers and get you checked out.” they said.
”Thank you.” said Mrs. Dragon.
”Okay, let’s get this stuff signed and get you out of here.” says the orderly.  “Can you tell me your full name and date of birth.”
”Yes.” I said.

So, I stayed home today, Wednesday, able to walk a straight line – sort of – but probably not well enough to pass a sobriety test. Hopefully, I’ll be back to work tomorrow, but it’s going to be up to my beloved Mrs. Dragon, also known as the Irish Jail Keeper.  She has made it quite clear that I will pass all her tests before she will allow me to drive myself anywhere.

I should be okay, so long as there is no required dancing or singing.

So, I’ll probably add more to this story later, in the meantime, let’s get the laughter started.

sign laff


I hate starting new relationships.  I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for 2 months.


I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding…is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone.”


Mrs. Dragon: My husband calls me the bomb…Not sure if it’s because I’m super sexy, or I might go off at any minute.

Impish Dragon: Yes dear.


If you’re 40+, it’s time to leave them young girls alone and get you a woman who understands the signs of a stroke.

Dang!  What are you trying to say, Stephanie!?


Scientist: Dick bug

Other Scientist: No

Scientist: Penis beetle

Other Scientist: No

Scientist: Cock roach

Other Scientist: Okay, sure


Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.

Can’t believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.

Don’t blame me…I just repeat them.









Let’s finish off the  political stuff with this great picture…


Happy Easter

Well, tomorrow is Easter and it wouldn’t be proper to not share some or our favorite Easter funnies.  Let’s start with a cartoon and then a joke from Papa Dragon Most Senior.


A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.  He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately
The rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.  She steps out of the car and asks the man
what’s wrong.

“I feel terrible,” he explains, “I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM.”

The blonde says, “Don’t worry.”

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.  She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.  He runs over to the woman and demands, “What is in that can?  What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?”

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(Last chance)

(Okay, here it is)

It says,

“Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.”

Happy Easter!!!


I’m so fricking bored!  I’m thinking about knocking on a Jehovah’s Witnesses door and telling them about the power of weed!



Easter (2)

Easter bunny

easter2 (2)




Okay, so those were all pretty bad.  Sorry.


Easter Dragon Eggs xD









Peep show

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?  Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.



Test drove a jaguar today.  Very fast, but the ride was bumpy and the saddle kept falling off.  And I’m pretty sure he tried to bite me.


And that’s it for this week.  Have a great day and until we meet again.


Impish Dragon

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Dragon Laffs #1649


Good Morning Campers,

Still here and still hate it!!!!!!!

The amount of money I’ve spent trying to fix this laptop cheaply I probably could’ve bought a new one. 

Getting worse. And I’m getting more frustrated with it every week.

Oh well, it could be worse I suppose.



The main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in place.


Following a tragic shipwreck in the Mediterranean, the body of an attractive young woman was washed up on the beach near St. Tropez.
The gendarme who came across it during his rounds went off to contact the coroner’s office, and when he came back, he was horrified to find his best friend on top of the corpse, going at is as hard as he could.
“Pierre, Pierre!” shouted the gendarme. “That woman — she is dead!”
“Dead!” howled Pierre jumping up. “Sacre bleu – I took her for an American!”

Hey, wait


“I taught sex education in the South Bronx, and as a sixth-grade teacher I was told to answer all their sex questions. One kid asked, ‘Is there any part of the woman’s body known as the Volvo?’

Which I thought was a good question. I said, ‘Only on Swedish women.'”


I got married,” said the first tavern regular, “so that I could get laid 3 or 4 times a week.” The other regular replied, “that’s strange; cuz that’s the reason why I got divorced!”


Letter to my BOSS

I have enjoyed working here these past several years.  You have paid me very well and given me benefits beyond belief.  Have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and then pay my estate one year salary death bonus and then continue to pay my spouse my salary with increases until she or he dies, and a health plan that most people can only dream of having. Despite this, I plan to take the next 12-18 months to find a new position.  During this time, I will show up for work when it is convenient for me.  And in addition, I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks associated with my current job

Oh yes, if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be coming back with no loss in pay or status.  Before you say anything, remember that you have no choice in this matter.  I can, and I will do this.


Every Senator or Congressman running for President in 2020

Are we stupid or what?


hell yes

When you truly don’t care when or what anyone thinks of you, you have reached a dangerously awesome level of freedom.


Without it, there is no coffee
Without coffee, everyone dies



THE RAZOR BLADE IS SHARP, but can’t cut a tree.
THE AXE IS STRONG, but can’t cut hair.
Everyone is important according to their own unique purpose…
NEVER look down on anyone unless you are admiring their shoes.


Answering the phone with, “Sheriff’s Department, Fraud Division” sure has slowed down the telemarketer calls.






For us dragons, that’s not hoarding, that’s just furniture.


You never know what I have up my sleeve.

Today, for example, it was a dryer sheet.


“Seize the moment.  Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.” ~ Erma Bombeck


I’ve gotten quite good at ventriloquism, lately.  Scared the shit out of my gynecologist today…


I hate it when the voices in my head go silent…I never know what those fuckers are planning.


I had my patience tested.
I’m negative.


I actually have a set of these measuring spoons.  Yes, there are actually accurate measurements.

Someone offered me grapes, but I declined.  I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.


Does anyone know which page of the bible explains how to turn water into wine?
Asking for a friend.


So how many salads cancel out a pan of fudge with a side of hot chocolate?
Asking for a friend.




Apparently, you need to either shit or get off the pot.



Don’t piss off old people.  The older we get, the less “Life In Prison” is a deterrent.


And we gots to have some of these…


Ronald McDonald




RPG Artwork

Rubic's Lunch

Rule 17


My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire….
I noticed your cat.
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don’t fret about it…
She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years
that we’ve been together,
I can’t help but wonder…
“What the hell was I thinking?”
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
I‘ve always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I’ve changed my mind.
————————————– —————————————-
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life..
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…
That you’re not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go..
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You’ll probably need it again.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky , West Virginia & South Dakota )
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
When we were together,
you always said you’d die for me.
Now that we’ve broken up,
I think it’s time you kept your promise.
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let’s say we stop?
I‘m so miserable without you
it’s almost like you’re here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we’re having you put to sleep.
So your daughter’s a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it’s really good pay.


We need to have a “Bring Your Wine To Work Day”

And that is it for today my friends.  Until next time.


Impish Dragon

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Dragon Health Update


Just had to share this real quick….

The normal issue is at the printers and all is well, it will be published as normal on Saturday morning, so no worries there.

But, with as much bad news as I’ve shared over the last couple of months with medical and fatalities, I thought everyone could use a little good news.

I spent the first half of the day having old man tests done.  The biggest one was a tread mill stress test for my heart, that, as a fat old man dragon with a fake knee twice removed and a fake hip DAMN NEAR KILLED ME!   The did an echo cardiogram before the treadmill and one after and then called the doctor in to review the tests.

He took one look at the EKG and told me that they could put it in a text book for what the perfect heart beat should be.  He looked at that and the echo results and said I had the heart of a 19 year old!  So, if the treadmill DID kill me, it sure as hell wouldn’t have been my heart that gave out!

But, in all honesty, I was having some … concern … over my health with dad just having a heart attack and my little brother dying a few years ago of a massive heart attack at the age of 50, so this was very good and comforting news.

And I had to share that with my loved ones.

Which is you guys.

So, cheers!

Impish Dragon

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Dragon Laffs #1648–I hate my laptop


Good Morning Campers,

Let me just say, that it has taken me over two hours of fighting with this stupid laptop to get to the point where I could finally type the words, “Good Morning Campers”.

I hate this laptop.

I shouldn’t say that.  I actually love this laptop, but I hate the fact that it is old…and not working well anymore.  But, it has to keep working because it will be a long time before I can afford another one and there are many, many higher priorities.

But dammit to hell! 

Now, I’m not bad at computers and keeping them running well.  Most of the guys at work come to me for help, but I think I just need some serious professional help here.  Maybe I should just take it to a place and see what they can do.  God knows I’ve run enough programs and such.

Anyway, enough bitching and griping.  Let’s get to the fun stuff before this thing craps out again, shall we?




If my body is ever found on a jogging trail, just know that I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.


Telling her to calm down is child’s play…If you want shit to get real, tell her she’s acting like her mother.



“Have you heard of Murphy’s Law?”


“What is it?”

“If something can go wrong, it will go wrong.”

“Right. You’ve heard of Cole’s Law?”

“No, what is it?”

“Thinly sliced cabbage.”



I’m really sorry…those were really bad.



Okay, so I guess I spoke too soon.


I don’t always roll a joint … but when I do, it’s my ankle.


If hard times only make you stronger, then I should be able to whip superman’s ass by now.


I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach.


This is the funniest one I’ve seen in a long time…

F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.  Again, my apologies to the lady at the Waffle House this morning.


I danced like no one was watching, but someone was watching and he thought that I was having a seizure, and called an ambulance.



I know a lot of people like that.

Dear McDonalds,
Thank you for not serving hot dogs.  I don’t think I could order a super-sized McWeiner with a straight face.


Medical School…

When I was young I decided to go to medical school.

At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the letters “PNEIS” and form the name of an important body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered “spine” are doctors today, while the res of us are writing blogs.


Why does toilet paper need a commercial?  Who is not buying this?



Rock, Paper, Scissors

rocket launcher

Rocket Science







rolling hills


Have you ever met someone so stupid you felt bad for their dog?


Being kissed while you’re asleep is one of the purest forms of love…unless you’re in prison.


Three women were returning to their Hungarian village when they spotted a man, obviously very inebriated, walking ahead of them.
As they watched him stumbling, he fell face down into a mud puddle.
When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she recognized him.
However, his face was so covered with mud that she bent over and unzipped his pants. She remarked, “Well, he’s not my husband.”
The second woman peering over her shoulder agreed, “Your right, he’s not your husband.”
The third woman, somewhat older than the other two, bent over to look and said, “He’s not from our village.”


And that’s going to do it for this week my fellow campers.

Love you all,


Impish Dragon

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Dragon Laffs #1647

April Fool

Good Morning Campers,

Yes indeed, April Fool Day is on Monday. And with as april-fools-day-clip-art-april-fools-clipart-600_600many people as I’ve “April Fooled” in the past, I really think I ought to take the day off and hide in my cave…

But, I’m not going to.  I mean, you know….you have to live on the edge sometimes, right?

Throughout today’s issue, I’ll be telling you about some of the top 100 April Fool’s Day Hoaxes of all time, courtesy of the Museum of Hoaxes from the hoaxes.org website.  I won’t give you all 100 (you can go here: http://hoaxes.org/aprilfool if you want to read them all) but just some of them that made me smile.

So, without further ado, let’s get started.

Let's Laugh 2



The first one is an easy one and also the one hoax that makes almost everyone’s top spot.


#1: The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest

April 1, 1957: The respected BBC news show Panorama announced that thanks to a very mild winter and the virtual elimination of the dreaded spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. It accompanied this announcement with footage of Swiss peasants pulling strands of spaghetti down from trees. Huge numbers of viewers were taken in. Many called the BBC wanting to know how they could grow their own spaghetti tree. To this the BBC diplomatically replied, “place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best.” Even the director-general of the BBC later admitted that after seeing the show he checked in an encyclopedia to find out if that was how spaghetti actually grew (but the encyclopedia had no information on the topic). The broadcast remains, by far, the most popular and widely acclaimed April Fool’s Day hoax ever, making it an easy pick for number one.


Why couldn’t I go on a school trip like that!?

So this next April Fool’s Hoax is a favorite of mine because of the effort this guy had to go through to pull it off.


#3: The Eruption of Mount Edgecumbe

April 1, 1974: The residents of Sitka, Alaska woke to a disturbing sight. Clouds of black smoke were rising from the crater of Mount Edgecumbe, the long-dormant volcano neighboring them. People spilled out of their homes onto the streets to gaze up at the volcano, terrified that it was active again and might soon erupt. Luckily it turned out that man, not nature, was responsible for the smoke. A local practical joker named Porky Bickar had flown hundreds of old tires into the volcano’s crater and then lit them on fire, all in a (successful) attempt to fool the city dwellers into believing that the volcano was stirring to life. According to local legend, when Mount St. Helens erupted six years later, a Sitka resident wrote to Bickar to tell him, “This time you’ve gone too far!”


Why is this not listed in my calendar?  I need a date!

I love this next hoax because it just goes to prove Robert Heinlein’s old adage: “Never Underestimate The Power of Human Stupidity.”



#7: The Taco Liberty Bell

April 1, 1996: The Taco Bell Corporation took out a full-page ad that appeared in six major newspapers announcing it had bought the Liberty Bell and was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell. Hundreds of outraged citizens called the National Historic Park in Philadelphia where the bell was housed to express their anger. Their nerves were only calmed when Taco Bell revealed, a few hours later, that it was all a practical joke. The best line of the day came when White House press secretary Mike McCurry was asked about the sale. Thinking on his feet, he responded that the Lincoln Memorial had also been sold. It would now be known, he said, as the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial.


This one is great!


#9: Sidd Finch

The April 1985 issue of Sports Illustrated revealed that the New York Mets had recruited a rookie pitcher named Sidd Finch who could throw a baseball at 168 mph — 65 mph faster than the previous record. Surprisingly, Sidd Finch had never played baseball before, but he had mastered the “art of the pitch” in a Tibetan monastery. Mets fans couldn’t believe their good luck and, accepting at face value the peculiarities of Sidd Finch’s past, flooded Sports Illustrated with requests for more information. But in reality this amazing player only existed in the imagination of author George Plimpton, who had left a clue in the sub-heading of the article: “He’s a pitcher, part yogi and part recluse. Impressively liberated from our opulent life-style, Sidd’s deciding about yoga —and his future in baseball.” The first letter of each of these words, taken together, spelled “H-a-p-p-y A-p-r-i-l F-o-o-l-s D-a-y — A-h F-i-b”.

It figures it would be George Plimpton who wrote the article.


I like this next one because it hits so close to home.  Being in the Air Force when we got a new guy in the shop we would send him out for a “Left-Handed Smoke Shifter” or 25 feet of “flight line” or a gallon of “prop wash”…you get the idea.  So the fact that Burger King came up with this next one…well…let’s just say that they’re my kinda people.


#20: The Left-Handed Whopper

April 1, 1998: Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Todayannouncing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a “Left-Handed Whopper” specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers. The following day Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich. Simultaneously, according to the press release, “many others requested their own ‘right handed’ version.” Left-handed products of various kinds are actually an old joke on April first, but Burger King’s announcement quickly became, by far, the most famous version of the joke.


And for the final one of the day, what could be more appropriate than a comic themed hoax? 


#22: The Great Comic Strip Switcheroonie

April 1, 1997: When comic strip fans opened their papers, they discovered that their favorite strips looked different. Not only that, but in many cases characters from other strips popped up out of place. The reason for the chaos was the Great Comics unnamed-fileSwitcheroonie. Forty-six comic-strip artists conspired to pen each other’s strips for the day. For instance, Scott Adams of Dilbert took over Family Circus by Bil Keane, where he added a touch of corporate cynicism to the family-themed strip by having the mother tell her kid to “work cuter, not harder.” Jim Davis of Garfield took over Blondie, which allowed him to show his famous overweight cat eating one of Dagwood’s sandwiches. The stunt was masterminded by Rick Kirkman and Jerry Scott, creators of the Baby Blues comic strip. When asked why he participated, Scott Adams noted, “You don’t get that many chances to tunnel under the fence.”


I hate how you’re just born out of nowhere, forced to go to school and get an education, so you can get a job.  What if I wanted to be a duck?


I run like the winded…


Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

One said, “think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.”

“I don’t think I have ever heard of that one,” said the other cowboy. “What is it?”

“Well, it’s where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.  Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, ‘These feel just like your sister’s.” 

Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds.



The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week!  There was no coffin at his funeral!!!


Don’s wife had recently died and she was being buried.

Don was sobbing and was being consoled by his friends.

“Don’t worry Don, in five or six months you may meet a beautiful lady who will make you happy.”

“I know, I know,” says Don, “But what am I gonna do tonight?


If Sex Was Sold in a Grocery Store

* Men would do a much better job of searching for and clipping coupons.
* Hookers are renamed “Special Stock Girls.”
* If you ever were not “prepared”, you could always go to Aisle 8..
* There’s gonna be confusion over Trix on Aisle 3 and “Tricks” on Aisle 10.
* Clean up on Aisle 10 would take on a whole new meaning.
* Same with the phrase “Freshness Dating.”
* Same with “Buy One, Get One Free.”
* No one wants to win the One Millionth Shopper award.
* Paper or Plastic or Rubber?
* Some men would still be in the Express Lane.



These are all from Diaman.  Thanks, Mom!









So, if we’re doing collections, we’ve got to do these…


Risk vs reward



Road Rage

Road Rage2

Rock Bottom 2

Rock Bottom 3

rock bottom 4

Rock Bottom

rock of fortune

Let’s throw a couple of more laffs around and then call it a day, shall we?





Okay, so that last one was REALLY tenuous.  I guess you’ve got to be a certain age to get it.







And that’s it my friends.  Love to you all.


Impish Dragon

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