Dragon Laffs

It is amazing to me that it is August already. Today is the 2nd, Sunday, the tree is gone. God blessed me with this young man who was absolutely amazing. And 4 youngsters who did all the moving. This guy does this for a living, showed up with this chainsaw that was like 3 feet long and wielded it like a surgeon does a scalpel. Keep in mind, that with my little one-lung chainsaw it would’ve taken me a week to do what he did in less than 30 minutes. I say less than because he was a little late showing up at 1300 and I was thanking him as he was putting the tarp over his trailer a little before 1330. God is so good to me.

Another thing. It was supposed to pour down rain all day today …

Not a drop in the sky. Sunny and warm, all day…although it looks like it’s starting to cloud up now.

I was worried about running and picking up Izzy from work and having to leave everyone here while I was trapsing off doing something else …

We were done before I ever had to leave.

The Whelpling … my son … was upset because he couldn’t be here till later because him and his motorcycle group were off helping a veteran get out of trouble in his town because the city was on him about his yard and he was disabled and couldn’t take care of it, so they were over at the vets house putting things to right and they couldn’t get here to help me. I got to tell him not to worry about it because it was taken care of like that! [Snapping Fingers!]

So many blessings today.

And then there’s you guys. I feel the love you guys send me every day. And no, that’s not a ploy to get you to donate during August. How dare you think that. I’m writing this before the last episode asking for donations went out, so I can’t thank anyone else yet. But it is that time, so drop me a buck or two.

Since we’re talking about blessings. I’m reading this GREAT book that Holly lent me. Called 78, How Christians Can Save America, by Peter Heck. Who just happens to be a Pastor here in Indiana. And he talked about defining God and I find myself wanting to expound on that a little bit this afternoon if you’d like to follow along with me.

Here’s his take via my paraphrase.

It is impossible for a mortal, finite human being to define or describe the immortal, infinite God. It is impossible for a meager human mind to put parameters around the identity of the omniscient Creator. It isn’t up to man to define God because if man could define God, man would be God. Simply put , God is not a matter of your opinion. He is the great I AM WHO I AM, not the great I Am Whatever You Want Me to Be. God does not ask your opinion of Him and then morph and change Himself into meeting your expectations and preferences. Simply put: God isn’t here to please you; He is here to be pleased by you and worshipped by you.

We don’t define God. God is … God. The ever-present, all powerful, omniscient, creator of all things.

Well then, Impish, who created God?

You’re just not getting it sweetheart. No one and/or No thing created God. Go Is. Period. Full Stop. He always has been and always will be.

We cannot fully imagine nor comprehend the incredible magnificence that must be Our Lord. The overwhelming awe it inspires to just try to think about it. I don’t have the words … and I’m pretty good with words.

Unfortunately I am extremely far behind, so I have to jump right into things, but before I do, I want to thank Pop Smith, Sammye, and Steve H. for their incredibly generous donations. That’s our list so far. And that’s my plug for donations.

I’m not sure how much of an issue I’m going to get out today. Let’s see how much I can get done before I go to the jail tonight and then how much I can get done when I get home before I become beat up too much. My apologies ahead of time. Let’s go!

Two British men were sitting on the porch of a cabin in a nudist colony. The one man, a bit of a socialist, turned to the other and asked, “Have you read Marx?”

The other fellow replied, “Oh yes! I think it comes from sitting on these rattan chairs!”

Illinois, Moline Law

There is a ban on unnecessary repetitive driving on 23rd Avenue.

OVERHEARD AT THE OVAL OFFICE


George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. 

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That’s what I want to know.

Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.

George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China? 

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow’s name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya’ asking me for?

Condi: I’m telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That’s the man’s name.

George: That’s who’s name?

Condi: Yes,

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That’s correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes. sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. 
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi; Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don’t want Kofi?.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. 

And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. 

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. 

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East.

Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

Pete was the playboy of the office. He kept the cubicle set bug-eyed with juicy tales of his conquests. 

One afternoon a bachelor in the office cornered him and asked, “Pete, how the hell do you do it? You’re a married man, but you make Casanova look like a two-bit amateur. Come on, buddy, what’s your secret?” 

Pete was in a conversational mood. “I wouldn’t do this for everybody, Eddie,” he said, “but you’re a friend, so I’ll tell you my secret. 

Like all great plans, it’s really very simple. It’s all in the approach!  

Tonight, take the 5:21 out of Penn Station and get off at Great Neck. You’ll find dozens of women there waiting for their husbands. 

Now there are always some husbands who have to work late. 

So all you have to do is be charming and let nature take its course.” 

The system was indeed simple, and also seemed foolproof. Eddie boarded the 5:21 that night with Pete’s instructions fixed firmly in his mind. 

But he dozed en route and didn’t waken till Plandome, two stops after Great Neck. 

He got off the train in a hurry and was about to catch a cab back to his destination when he noticed an unescorted female standing on the platform looking very available. 

He sauntered over casually, lit her cigarette, and asked whether she’d like to have a nice quiet drink with him.  

“I’d love to,” she said, “but let’s go to my place. It’s near here and it’s very, very quiet.” 

Everything went as planned. They had a small dinner at her place, some drinks, then they retired to the pleasures of the bedroom. 

They’d been enjoying themselves only a few minutes, however, when the door swung open and the woman’s husband entered. 

“Goddammit, Betty!” he cried. “What the hell’s going on here? 

So this is what you do when my back is turned… And as for you, you bastard-I thought I told you to get off at Great Neck!”

Great and good are seldom the same man.

-Thomas Fuller (1608 – 1661)

“A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she’ll never forget what she forgave.”

And that’s it. I know it’s not an entire episode and I warned you, but it’s all I have time for. My apologies. Don’t forget to donate. So donate only $4 since it’s short. Till next time. My love and happiness to you all.

And it’s Friday…for me…and Monday for you guys. Here I am, trying my best to get ahead for you. See! See, me working for you. Not buying it, huh?

I want to start off by thanking Pop Smith for the wonderful donation that he sent in AND it’s perfect timing because it’s that time of year again my friends. (I hate this part) It’s time to pay the bills for the year. I’m asking for your help in keeping Dragon Laffs free. That was always the deal. I would continue to do this as long as I didn’t have to put advertisement on the site. The only way to do that is to pay for the site outright. It’s not that expensive, but with storage, email and the website itself it comes out to a bit each year and I ask for you guys to pay for it.

I know, mean of me. But, my part is the labor. You guys cover the expenses and I cover the labor. So, starting today, donations are open. Anything helps.

Several ways to donate. The easiest is to hit the donate button on the upper right of the website. Some of you have never been to the website, go to dragonlaffs.com and on the right hand column you’ll see the donate button that will take you to PayPal where you can donate. Or you can send me a donation through snail mail. Email me at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com and I will send you my address. No, I’m not going to put it here. Or you can Zelle me. Again, if you email me I can tell you how. If you have any other suggestions for me, I’m all ears.

Anyway, that’s it. That’s my plea. We have the month of August to figure out where we go from here.

Now…

Absolutely amazing!

This one is WILD!

These questions were reportedly asked by elementary children 
and appeared in a newspaper article.


Dear God: Why did you make people talk foreign languages? It
would be easier if everybody could talk English like you and
me.


Dear God: If you made the sun and the moon and the stars you
must have had lots of equipment.


Dear God: Instead of letting people die and having to make
new ones why don’t you just keep the ones you have now?


Dear God: How come you only have 10 rules and our school has
millions?


Dear God: When you made the first man did he work as good as
we do now?


Dear God: There were no clouds Saturday so I think I saw
your feet. Did I really?


Dear God: I know there’s a God because I go to His house on
Sunday and see all the cars parked there.


Dear God: Where does yesterday go? Do you have it?


Dear God: I’m afraid of things at night more than in the
day. So if you could keep the sun on longer that would be a
good thing.

MOM’S SURVIVAL TIPS


1. Don’t sweat your every mistake or faux pas.
They make up for the things you got away with that nobody knows about. 

2. Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes the toilet when
you’re taking a shower.

3. When someone tells you that what he’s about to say is “for your 
own good,” expect the worst.

4. The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much fun it is to 
act idiotic.

5. If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don’t swallow it
whole.

6. When a politician says, “let me make something perfectly clear, 
remember that he usually won’t.

7. You children may leave home, but their stuff will be in your attic 
and basement forever.

8. If someone says, “I know what I mean, but I just can’t put it into 
words,” he doesn’t know what he means.

9. Two people cannot operate a TV remote control in the same
room at the same time.

10. Don’t waste time trying to be your own best friend. You can’t
pat yourself on the back, and it’s unsatisfying to cry on your own
shoulder. Find a real friend instead.

Wouldn’t you think all the gas pouring out on the ground would have given it away?

Carole was planning her upcoming wedding and asked to wear her mother’s wedding gown. When she tried it on, it was a perfect fit on her petite frame. 

Suddenly, her mother’s eyes filled with tears. Putting an arm around her, Carole lovingly said, “Don’t cry, Mom. Remember, you aren’t losing a daughter, you’re gaining a son.” 

“Oh, forget about that!” her mother sobbed. “I used to fit into that gown!” 

“What’s the date today?” asks a blonde.

“I don’t know. You’ve got a newspaper in your hands…why don’t you look at it?” 

“That wouldn’t do any good, it’s yesterday’s paper

A fellow met his friend, a notorious horseplayer, on the street. 

The guy looked like he’d just lost his best friend. 

“Why so sad?” he was asked.

“I had a hundred dollars stashed away to bet on the ponies today,” the gambler said “but my wife found it and blew it all on the rent and groceries!” 

A man suffering from severe insomnia finally breaks down and goes to see a psychiatrist.

“Doc, you gotta help me,” the man says, dark circles weighing heavy under his eyes. “Every single night, the second I turn off the lights, I’m overwhelmed by this terrifying compulsion that someone is hiding under my bed. I end up sliding out of bed to check underneath it every hour on the hour until the sun comes up. I’m completely exhausted!”

The psychiatrist nods sagely, stroking his chin. “Ah, a classic case of nocturnal paranoiac compulsion. I have a highly specialized two-week intensive cognitive therapy program that is guaranteed to cure your fear and get you a full night’s sleep. However, because of the advanced techniques required, it will cost you $5,000.”

The man, who was already tight on cash, winced at the price tag. “Five grand?! Let me think about it and maybe get a second opinion,” he says, before quickly walking out the door.

A week later, the psychiatrist happens to spot the man sitting at a local bar. Expecting to see a shattered, sleep-deprived mess, the doctor is shocked to find the man looking vibrant, fully refreshed, and happily enjoying a beer.

Curious, the psychiatrist walks over and asks, “I see you never called to enroll in my program. How are you sleeping?”

“Like a baby!” the man smiles. “Eight hours straight every night.”

The psychiatrist is stunned. “That’s impossible! How on earth did you cure a deep-seated psychological compulsion like that without my $5,000 treatment?”

“It’s ok, my friend actually solved my problem for free!”

“How?” said the psychiatrist?

“My friend came over and sawed off the legs of my bed!”

Nope!

And that’s it … but before I go. Remember I showed you the picture of the watch that buddy Wheats was making for me? Well, I received the finished product…and it is a true piece of Art!! It is gorgeous! He is a true artist. The things he can do with a watch is amazing. The things he’s shown me that he’s done for other people are truly amazing. Everything from superheroes to aircraft to … well … truly amazing. Here’s mine.

Is that not the coolest thing EVER?! Pure Class Baby!

Thank you, my dearest and oldest friend.

Okay, Until next time. Donate. Pray for clear weather … um … yesterday for you guys, tomorrow for me … so I can get rid of the tree in my neighbor’s yard and may God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again!

As you can probably tell by the above picture, I’m getting a little annoyed.

I have an upcoming eye appointment, a follow-up to the testing that I did the other day, and an upcoming dental consultation, that is not for several weeks yet. Today, as I’m writing this, is Thursday, the eye appointment is on Tuesday, I just saw the eye doctor this past Tuesday … two days ago. I have, in the last two days received 4 text messages, to which I have responded yes to (as in yes, I will be there for my appointment) an email that I responded to, and now, just about a minute ago, a bloody automated phone call!

For the dental consultation, it hasn’t been that bad, one voicemail and two text messages, but like I said, that’s still a few weeks away!

Are people so incredibly forgetful that they need that many reminders? Do they not put appointments in calendars? Do they not use the built-in calendars on their phones? I know of some people who still carry around paper date books and I don’t have a problem with that, you do you. I would love to be able to do that. I tried that because I like being able to see all that at one glance where my phone doesn’t really let me do that unless I have a magnifying glass with me, but then I never had it with me … the date book, not the magnifying glass. But are there that many people who don’t use anything and need to be treated like a recalcitrant 6 year-old who refuses to wear a raincoat when it’s storming outside?

Stop bothering me with this utter nonsense!

It’s like the person who recognizes someone on a Base wide email that they haven’t seen for a while and decides to have a conversation with said person by hitting reply all. The rest of us DON’T WANT TO BE INVOLVED!

Why do big corporation and governments insist on killing ants with a hammer?

What do I mean by that? Everything is overkill.

I was having this conversation with someone just the other day. If someone abuses something, or does something wrong, let’s just take it away from everyone. The damn democrats are famous for this. Like they did with opioids. Some people abused them, “Take them away!” But what about us who were actually getting benefits out of them? “No, now you have to live in pain because you can’t be trusted not to be a drug seeker and abuser!” and all the other names I was called. It just pushed more people into illegal drugs. Some people are abusing guns. Take them away from everyone. It’s not gonna stop the bad guys from getting guns, it just makes it harder for the good guys to protect themselves from said bad guys.

You’re not addressing the flippin’ problem, you’re just throwing dirt at the symptoms! People aren’t showing up to their appointments on time, so we are losing money and we can’t squeeze quite so many people in. “I know, send them 27 reminders a week! That ought to do it. Who cares if we bug the crap out of them. We’re the doctors, we’re better than they are.”

I’m sick to bloody death of it!

I know, it’s a first world problem. But, it’s symptomatic of so many other things that is wrong with out world right now. Who gave it over to “them” to decide for us?

On what?

On everything! Take a look at that moron running New York City right now. He wants to arrest another country’s president … why? Not the reason he states, what’s the real reason? To prove what a badass he is? To appease his Muslim brothers? Just because he’s 9 eggs short of a dozen? Or because it is Islam’s agenda to kill all Jews? This man is trying to control EVERYTHING … and ya’ll voted him in to do it. New York City that is. He’s CRAZY! And he’s all yours. The problem is, that his crazy is contagious. ‘Cause the rest of the democratic party is catching it.

Yes, I’m ranting. I’m tired of this nonsense. So tired. Fauci… pleading the fifth on the color of his friggin’ tie. Please just throw that piece of trash in a dark, dark hole and never, ever open the door again.

I should be so mad at him. He caused COVID and my Mary died of COVID complications. But, he’s not worth my time. Or anyone else’s. He’s worth less than the scum on the bottom of your shoe. God has a special place reserved for demons and those that associated with them.

And I’ve invoked God’s name and He is reminding me that what I am doing is mostly wrong. Ranting like this. No matter the righteousness of my anger and angst. I should turn the other cheek. But … He also expects us to fight to protect our neighbors … our children … our families … our friends. I don’t fight to protect my own life, but I freely give my life for my brother.

And yes, now I’m ranting and rambling. It’s been a very long day for me, my friends, so what do you say I end this here and we get on to the good stuff, shall we? Thanks for listening to this old dragon go on a bit. Now …

What a good boy!

Seems like so long ago…

Boy’s got skills!

Not everyone will get that one, either.

Or that one…

I do … and it really wasn’t that long ago.

What in the Sam Hill is going on here? I have so many questions. Momma, is that you?

I do! I do! Loved my Lincoln Logs! And then later, the Erector Set!

A creature rose up out of the surf and came ashore. 

Its garments were made of green sea lettuce. “I am the friendly Witch of the Sand,” she said, “I am only going to sunbathe.” 

The sun was terribly hot. Her skin began to bake and it turned as red as a ripe tomato! 

What? You mean to tell me you have you ever seen …

a baking lettuce and tomato Sand Witch?

A month? They could’ve opened it the next DAY and it would’ve been messed up. Closed it up, locked it up, opened it up the day after that and it would’ve been completely different again! That’s the nature of the Tupperware!

NO! NEVER! I don’t care how bad you think the service was.

A nun asked her class to write notes to God.  Here are some of he notes the children handed in:

Dear God:
If You watch me in church on Sunday, I’ll show You my new shoes.

Dear God:
Is it true my father won’t get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?

Dear God:
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that okay?

Dear God:
Did You really mean “do unto others as they do unto you”? Because if You did, then I’m going to get my brother good.

Dear God:
You don’t have to worry about me; I always look both ways.

Dear GOD,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry

Dear GOD,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world.  There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan

Dear GOD,
Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? -Lucy

Dear GOD,
Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma

Dear GOD,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -Ruth

Dear GOD,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stole your idea. -Sincerely, Donna

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. 

Mother: “What does the cow say?”

Child: “Moooo!”

Mother: “Great! What does the cat say?”

Child: “Meow.”

Mother: “Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?”

The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, “Bud….Wise…..Er.”

What the heck were in those tablets?!?!

Out the mouths of men…..

“I’M GOING FISHING” 
Means: “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.” 

“IT’S A GUY THING” 
Means: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.” 

“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?” 
Means: “Why isn’t dinner already on the table?” 

“UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR…” 
Means: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response. 

“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN” 
Means: “I have no idea how it works.” 

“I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT’S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.” 
Means: “I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.” 

“TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD.” 
Means: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.” 

“THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.” 
Means: “Are you still talking?” 

“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.” 
Means: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.” 

“I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.” 
Means: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.” 

“OH, DON’T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT’S NO BIG DEAL.” 
Means: “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt.” 

“HEY, I’VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I’M DOING.” 
Means: “And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon.” 

“I CAN’T FIND IT.” 
Means: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.” 

“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?” 
Means: “What did you catch me at?” 

“I HEARD YOU.” 
Means: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.” 

“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE” 
Means: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.” 

“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.” 
Means: “”Please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.” 

“I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.”  
Means: “No one will ever see us alive again.” 

“Good afternoon, Landlord, a pint of Less if you please,” said the old man. 

“Less? Never heard of it,” replied the barman.

“Oh, come now surely you have,” he persisted.

“No sorry, we certainly don’t stock it. What is it anyway? Some kind of foreign beer?” 

“Well I’m not sure,” admitted the man. “It was the doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink Less.” 

And that’s it my friends. Gotta wrap this up. Working this weekend and cleaning up a tree on Sunday, so I’m going to try to knock out Monday’s episode tomorrow (Friday). Hopefully I can get that done, I might have a little time on Saturday to get it finished off. We’ll see. But until then …

Well, it’s been another interesting couple of days. First the dentist. Gonna lose the last five flippin’ teeth I have left in my head. Infected and stuff. New lower denture … more money! Okay, it is what it is.

Then, last night, HUGE storm. Wind gusts over 80 mph! The new fence held up magnificently! Sadly, one poor tree didn’t and crashed through the fence, not the new part, and landed in the neighbor’s yard and now I have ANOTHER mess to clean up!

My Dear LORD, how much more are you going to pile on top of me!? So, phone calls and text messages and I’ve got guys with trailers and saws coming on Sunday to clean up the mess. If the complaining neighbors will wait that long.

Here’s some pictures:

And then, I go out back to take my dogs out and there’s some kid climbing on the tree sticking out of my fence! So, I told him (I didn’t yell) “Don’t climb on that.” and he ran away. That’s all I need is for that tree to slip or collapse further and for him to get hurt.

What in the world!

Anyway, let’s get to the fun stuff, shall we. I really need it.

That’s going to be my new poster!

Nice meme of an old joke!

And not everyone will understand…sadly!

And half of those in America are saying, “I’ve been preparing my whole life for this moment!”

And He tells me that every, single day!

This DLPSA comes to us from our good friend, Joe from NJ…

A pause from the humor. 

I believe I sent this a number of years ago. 

Worth seeing again. 

If you have pets, you more than likely have dealt with pet stains on the carpet or  other interesting places in your house. 

FIRST: Try this in a corner or place that is not noticeable!

Over the years I’ve tried almost every brand of spot remover on the market. One time, in desperation I tried hand sanitizer. Squirted it well on the stain, waited a minute and rubbed it vigorously with a few wadded up paper towels. 

The spot was about 98%(?) gone. And I’ve used it repeatedly over the years on everything from pet stains to Chigger bites! (That’s another long story!)

File this away for future use and let me know how it works for you. 

    …Joe

Thanks, Joe!

I have that skill! I can sleep wearing a gasmask and a steel helmet lying on a concrete floor. I definitely have that skill!

Yeah, you’re right! That ought to do it. What was that definition of insanity again?

“I’d be in prison today if it weren’t for my high school guidance counselor”

“She gave you good advice about living your life?”

“No, she helped me escape.”

This quiz is called Lateral Thinking.

Scroll down slowly and be honest to yourself.

Think like a wizard . . .. 



      man 
1. ———— 
     board 





Ans. = man overboard 



Okay, let’s see if you’ve got the hang of it. 




     stand 
2. ———— 
          i 
 
 

Ans. = I understand 



OK . 

Got the drift ? 

Let’s try a few now and see 
how you fare ? 




3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/ 






Ans. = reading between the lines 





4.     
      r 
    road 
     a 
     d 






Ans. = cross road 


Not having a good day now, are you ? 

Redeem yourself. 



5. cycle 
   cycle 
   cycle 





Ans. = tricycle 


Not easy to figure out ha! 



         0 
6. ———— 
      M..D. 
      Ph.D. 





Ans. = two degrees below zero 


C’mon give it a little thought ! ! 



      
7. knee 
    light 





Ans. = neon light 

( knee – on – light ) 



U can prove u r smart by getting this one. 



           ground 
8.         ————— 
feet feet feet feet feet feet 




Ans. = six feet underground 


Oh no, not again ! ! 



9. he’s X himself 





Ans. = he’s by himself 


Now u messing up big time. 



10. ecnalg 





Ans. = backward glance 


Not even close ! ! 



11. death ….. life 





Ans. = life after death 


Okay last chance ………………. 


12. THINK 






Ans. = think big ! ! 



And the last one is real fundoo – – – 



13. abababababababababababababababab… 





Ans. = long time no ‘C’

Things You’d Love To Say Out Loud At Work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.

2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to
pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.

5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it
my way.

6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re
saying.

10. Ahhh…I see the know-it-all fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn.

14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an
artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

21. Congratulations, you have officially earned the Dumber than a Box
of Rocks Award.

22. You know the acronym behind your name won’t keep me from kicking
your ass in the parking lot.

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40. Oh I get it… like humor… but different.

What a complete and utter load of malarky!!!

Friends are the flavor of ice cream you choose. 

Family is the big nose you’re born with.

We have a new security system at our house. 

We have two lively cats. 

I recently bought a toy laser that projects a red dot plus a few other designs. 

If anyone breaks in, all I have to do is put the red dot on them and sit back and watch!

And yes, both cats have claws. 

      …Joe

And that’s it my friends. Until Saturday when I have more time. I know this is a little shorter than usual, but I just plain ran out of time. So, until then…

Today is Saturday … well … for me. For you it’s Monday … and while you’re reading this, I’m probably on my way to the dentist to get one fifth of my teeth looked at.

I only have five of them left in my head and one of them is giving me fits! How is that even right!!!

Anyway, more important things to talk about…

Gonna try to get as much of this knocked out this morning as I can, gonna be a busy day for me today. Izzy dragon wants to go shopping this afternoon and then I have a meeting to go to with Holly over a donation place that she’s involved with, then I might be home in time tonight to work on it a little bit more. Then tomorrow there is church and immediately afterwards Holly and I are going to go to the hospital to visit the guy I told you about who hit the deer on his motorcycle. Problem is that’s a 3 hour round trip. So there might be a little time tomorrow night to finish this up. SOOOO…. Let’s jump right in, shall we?

This is so cool! What I had done twice!

Dang! Not in any grocery story around here!!!

Oh! That’s gotta hurt!

I wish people would just learn to understand that!

I did know!

Having finally won her heart, Quasimodo marries Esmerelda. 

Quasimodo comes home from a hard day of ringing bells and his wife has made a delicious stir-fry.

“Great!” he says.

Next night he comes home from work, and it’s stir-fry again.

“Just as delicious as last night,” he says.

Next night — stir-fry again. “Tastes great, but I’m getting kind of  sick of stir-fry again,” he says.

Next night — stir-fry again.

“Listen,” he says, “tomorrow make whatever you want, as long as it’s not stir-fry.”

Next day he leaves work early (asking an assistant to ring vespers for him) so that he can catch her before she begins cooking. 

He walks in the front door and there she is, taking the wok down off the rack. 

“Aha!” he says. “You’re going to make stir-fry again!” 

“Don’t be silly,” she says. “I’m going to iron your shirts.” 

No kidding! It’s called “white coat hypertension” and it means that your blood pressure goes up at the doctor’s office. A LOT of us suffer from it. I had a heck of a time convincing my doctor to lower my blood pressure meds when I lost so much weight because in her office my BP was perfect … which means in real life it was low, because in her office it was always a bit high because I suffer from the same thing.

I’m not sure if that last one is true or not, but it sounds absolutely awesome! I think it should be adopted world wide!

Maine Laws

You may not step out of a plane in flight.

Like many other laws, my question is, what precepted this to make it into a law?

Once upon a time, there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered some grains of wheat. 

She called her neighbours and said, “If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. 

Who will help me plant it?”
 

“Not I,” said the cow.
“Not I,” said the duck.
“Not I,” said the pig.
“Not I,” said the goose.
 
Then I will,” said the little red hen. And she did. 

The wheat grew tall and ripened into golden grain. 

“Who will help me reap my wheat?” asked the little red hen. 

“Not I,” said the duck.
“Out of my classification,” said the pig.
“I’d lose my seniority,” said the cow.
“I’d lose my unemployment compensation,” said the goose. 

“Then I will,” said the little red hen, and she did.

At last it came time to bake the bread. “Who will help me bake the bread?” asked the little red hen.

“That would be overtime for me,” said the cow.
“I’d lose my welfare benefits,” said the duck.
“I’m a dropout and never learned how,” said the pig.
“If I’m to be the only helper, that’s discrimination,” said the goose. 

“Then I will,” said the little red hen.

She baked five loaves and held them up for her neighbors to see.

They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. 

But the little red hen said, “No, I can eat the five loaves.”


“Excess profits” cried the cow.
“Capitalist leech” screamed the duck.
“I demand equal rights” yelled the goose.
And the pig just grunted. 

And they painted “unfair” picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities. 

When the government agent came, he said to the little red hen, “You must not be greedy.”

“But I earned the bread,” said the little red hen.

“Exactly,” said the agent. “That is the wonderful free enterprise system. 

Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide their product with the idle.”

And they lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, “I am grateful. I am grateful.”

But her neighbours wondered why she never again baked any more bread.

And that, dear children, is yet another example of why socialism will never work and never has.

QUESTION:

You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes
around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities.
In your hand is a .357 Magnum and you are an expert shot. You have
mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? 

LIBERAL ANSWER:

Well that’s not enough information to answer the question! Does the
man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is
inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think?
What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and
knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this
situation? Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me? Does he 
definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away
while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate
this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion. 
I really need to feel this person’s pain. Uggggggh! Arggghhh!

CONSERVATIVE ANSWER:

BANG!

Late one night during bad weather, the following was heard over the radio at an airport control tower: 

Helicopter Pilot: “Tower, I’m holding at 3000 over Heli-pad 1.” 

Second voice: “NO!!! You can’t be doing that! I’m holding at 3000 over that pad!” 

There was a brief moment of silence.

First voice again: “You idiot! You’re my co-pilot!”

Karl and Milly were tucked into bed. Karl was already half-unconscious, drifting into a deep sleep, but Milly was feeling nostalgic and romantic.

She sighed softly, nudging him. “Remember when we were courting? You used to hold my hand.”

With a heavy, exhausted sigh, Karl blindly reached over, squeezed her hand for a brief second, and let his arm drop like a stone.

A minute passed. “And then,” Milly whispered wistfully, “you used to kiss me.”

Mildly irritated, Karl rolled over, gave her a swift, dry peck on the cheek, and immediately buried his face back into his pillow.

Not thirty seconds later, she sighed again. “And then… you used to bite my neck.”

Karl snapped. He threw back the heavy comforter, swung his legs out of bed, and stood up in the dark.

“Where on earth are you going?” Milly asked.

Karl groaned, “To get my damn teeth.”

Yeah….funny how that works, innit?

So…what you’re saying is that the greatest thing since sliced bread BEFORE sliced bread was WRAPPED bread?

Maryland, Baltimore

It is illegal to throw bales of hay from a second story window within the city limits. 

Again, I have to ask, “Why?”

What a beautiful sentiment for everyone!

Notes For The Milkman in England

“Dear Milkman, I’ve just had a baby, please leave another one.” 

Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.”

Please don’t leave any more milk. All they do is drink it”

Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.”

Milkman. please could I have a loaf but not bread today.”

Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I’ve been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.” 

Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn’t mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.”

When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you ‘to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

Please knock. My TV’s broken down and I missed last nights Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened.” 

My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle.”

Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.” 

Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.” 

From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don’t want any milk.”

My back door is open. Please put milk in ‘fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.”

Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.”

When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door.
PS. Don’t leave any milk.

No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.”

And that’s it! While waiting for Izzy I got the whole thing done! And that means a very short afternoon for Izzy cause now it’s going on 1 pm and she’s still not done. Sigh. So, gonna get off here and take care of some other things. Talk to you again on Thursday my friends, until then…