Well, it’s still Friday and I JUST finished the last episode and knowing that it’s going to be a busy weekend, thought I’d jump right in on Monday’s. 

I hope everybody had a GREAT weekend. Not sure what I’ve got going this weekend, but I’m sure it will be something.

Got a comment from Leah on one of the videos that was in a previous issue.

Thanks for the video about gas prices, etc. back in the70’s. My kids/grandkids are always saying how we had it so easy. I remember I had to rush to Salt Lake to attend a dying family member. When I was ready to leave that night, I was told there were only two gas stations open in all of Salt Lake City.

We had it easy in the 70’s?!?! Oh, I so beg to differ you spoiled rotten generation, you!  You have it so much easier than we did. Now, life was more laid back, back then. But easier, I hardly think so.

I remember the long lines at the gas stations and in New Jersey at the time, you could only get gas depending on your license plate. If it ended in an odd number you could only buy gas on odd days and if it ended in an even number, on even days. And the 31st of the month was either closed or anyone could get gas, depending on the station.

Anyway, shortly thereafter I joined the Air Force and it didn’t matter to me anymore ’cause I wasn’t driving anywhere!

Now, whadda you say we jump right into the funny stuff, shall we?

63 Doctors share their “Dumbest Patient Ever” stories

Some pretty funny stuff. Click HERE to read along.

And it’s happening all around us!

The firefighters pulled up to the local pub, flames already billowing out of the front windows and smoke pouring into the night sky. Charging through the entrance, they found a lone Irishman sitting calmly at the bar, nursing a half-empty pint of Guinness as if it were a quiet Tuesday evening.

One of the firefighter grabbed him, hoisted him on his arms, and dragged him out into the fresh air just as the front window shattered.

As he caught his breath on the curb, the lead fireman looked at him in disbelief and demanded, “What on earth happened in there? How did the fire start?”

The Irishman wiped a bit of foam from his upper lip, looked back at the inferno, and shrugged. “I don’t know,” he said. “It was on fire when I went in.”

And don’t forget, there’s probably a knife, screwdriver, or some other tool in one or more of his pockets.

It’s easy to identify people who can’t count to ten.

They’re in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

Louisiana Law

Rituals that involve the ingestion of blood, urine, or fecal matter are not allowed. 

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good law on the face of it, and I think I kind of get it with the Voodoo that went on down that way for a while, but was it really necessary to put that to law?

RIGHT?! I know EXACTLY what you mean!!!

A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing. 

“Officer,” he asks, “have you seen a man run by here? 

“No I haven’t. What’s the problem?”

“The rotten bastard ran out of my shop without paying me!” 

“This fellow,” the officer asks, “does he have any distinguishing features?” 

“Well, yes,” the barber replies. “He’s carrying one of his ears in his hand.” 

Answer below…and I’ll admit, I had no idea what it was.

Okay, that’s far enough… and we have Steve H. to thank for this one…

It’s string to tie pastry boxes, good old days

Pat O’Leary left Cork for Philadelphia where he found a job on a building site. When payday rolled around Pat went out on the town, got drunk as a goat and spent the night with a prostitute. The following day (Saturday) Pat decided to go to confession and tell all. When the priest heard his confession he told Pat to say twenty Our Fathers, twenty Hail Marys, and twenty decades of the Rosary and to put $20 in the poor box. 

Two weeks later Pat’s mate, Rory O’Brien, told Pat he was leaving for San Francisco because there was tons of work there and the money to be made was more than twice what could be made in Philly. After a little coaxing Pat decides to go with Rory. 

At the end of his first week on his new job Pat’s wages were more than double anything he’d made before. Off he goes for a night on the town. Gets drunk as a lord and spends the night with a prostitute. Come morning remorse sets in and Pat goes to Mission Dolores for confession. After hearing Pat’s confession the priest tells him to say a couple of Our Father’s and drop a dollar in the poor box. 

“But, Father. I did the same thing in Philly and had to say twenty Ourfathers, twenty Hail Marys, twenty decades of the Rosary and I had to fork over $20.” 

“Ah, sure,” the priest responded, “what do they know aboout drinkin’ andfuckin ‘ in Philadelphia.” 

Like the headline that Izzy just read me: 

Alleged child molester tried to contact victims from jail.

This one’s from Joe…I wondered why he had a black eye.  Now I understand…

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present. 

“Oh, I don’t know,” she said. “Just give me something with diamonds.” 

That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

And that’s it my friends. I hope you enjoyed this one as much as I did. Until next time, I pray that God Blesses you all with Love and Happiness, Comfort and Security. My love to you all.

I can’t believe that it is October already. Time is just flying by. It is ridiculous how fast it is going. Another 3 day weekend that just blinked and disappeared. Back to work tomorrow, Tuesday. I have no idea, at this point, what day it is for you, but whatever day it is, I hope it’s a good one. Now, let’s see if we can make it a little better…

Absolutely adorable!

Amateur! 

It has been said that Adam and Eve had the only perfect marriage. 

That was because he didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married; and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked!” 

I can feel that so much it makes my legs tingle.

Well, she did what you asked.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. 

– Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

All     The     TIME!!

Minnesota Law

A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head.

I’m sure at some point in time there was a perfectly logically explanation for this law … never mind, I take that back. There couldn’t possibly be. Now, I just want to know … WHY!?

Well, dang! I didn’t know that! Those bums copied my front gate!

Nope, someone’s going to have to help me with this one. I don’t get it.

Little Johnny was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He’d been playing outside for a while when he came into the house and asked her. . .

“Grandma, what is it called when people are sleeping on top of each other?”  

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.  

It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.” 

Little  Johnny just said, OK” and went back outside to play.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse!  It’s called bunk beds!” 

Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven: (Luke 6:37)

You may recognize it from Christ’s sermon called “The Beatitudes”. 

A guy walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey, buddy, if you can think of a good name for this bar, I’ll give you a free beer.” 

So the guy goes outside and tries to think of a name. 

A beautiful lady walks by and he asks her her name. 

“Sarah,” she says. 

He looks at her incredible legs and realizes “Sarah’s Legs” would make a great name for the bar. 

He goes back inside and tells this story to the bartender, who immediately agrees and renames the bar “Sarah’s Legs.” 

The next day, the guy is sitting outside the same bar when a lady walks by and asks, “What are you doing out here, handsome?” 

“Oh, he answers, “I’m just waiting for Sarah’s Legs to open so I can have a couple of quick ones.” 

I don’t remember ever having one, but I know what it is.

It’s actually a really good idea.

That’s it for this … and just in time, too. It goes out tonight. Been a long week of getting things done.  May you be blessed with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

And here we are again, my friends. I’m starting this one on Sunday, after church, while watching the Colts play the Texans.  Right now, the Colts are winning, but both teams are 0-2, so there’s that.  A LOT of bad calls in the game, but that’s just my opinion.

Great sermon at church today. Pastor finished up a series on good news/bad news. Looking forward to hearing what he has to start next week.  The man is definitely Spirit led.

Well, let’s get on with some laughter and we can see where we lead from there.

A true national hero!

No, I don’t wonder about that, either…not anymore.

Sounds like today, doesn’t it! Here’s a surprise for you. Charles Spurgeon died almost 135 years ago. Things haven’t changed much, have they?

And just as an aside, it’s the start of the fourth quarter and the Colts are ahead 16-7.

NASA engineers built a high-powered air cannon designed to launch four-pound dead chickens at airliner windshields, simulating bird strikes at maximum velocity to test glass strength.

British rail engineers heard about the device and borrowed it to test the windshields on their new high-speed trains.

On test day, they loaded the cannon, pointed it at the train’s reinforced, shatterproof windshield, and pulled the trigger.

The chicken shot out of the barrel, pulverized the windshield, smashed through the driver’s console, snapped the engineer’s seat in half, and embedded itself three inches deep into the back wall of the cabin.

 

Horrified, the British team sent NASA the telemetry data, high-speed footage, and detailed blueprints of their train, begging the American scientists for advice on how to improve their design.

NASA sent back a three-word response:

“Thaw the chicken.”

Actually, the original chicken gun fired a live chicken at an aircraft canopy.  True story.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

W. C. Fields (1880 – 1946)

Massachusetts  Laws

At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches.

Signs

Warning Label: On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.  

Hummels – Largest Selection Ever “If It’s In Stock, We Have It!” 

Warning Label: On a cardboard wind-shield sun shade: “Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place” 

In a New York drug store: “We dispense with accuracy.” 

Georgia Peaches- California Grown – 89 Cents Lb. 

In the offices of a loan company: “Ask about our plans for owning  your home.” 

At a number of military bases: “Restricted to unauthorised personnel.”  

Warning Label: On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. 

Wanted: Success-oriented people to drive cement trucks-Only individuals with concrete plans for the future need apply.

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a bar room disturbance. 

The “disturbance” turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What’s more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and the “Heavy Weight Boxing Champion of the World.”

Said the policeman, “I’ll bet that you’re also an escape artist too, probably better than Houdini.”

The giant nodded.

“If I had some chains,” the deputy continued, “you could show us how strong you really are. 

But all I’ve got is a set of handcuffs. Why don’t you see just how quickly you can break out of them?” 

Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.

“I can’t get out of these,” the giant growled.

“Are you sure?” the deputy asked.

The fellow tried again. “Nope,” he replied. “I can’t do it.” 

“In that case,” said the deputy, “you’re under arrest.” 

A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. 

He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. 

None could be found. 

Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. 

He successfully raised a number of them and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. 

The young man replied, “I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have a hutch back of Notre Dame.” 

“Oh Sarah, I just heard the news” said Esther to her blonde friend. 

“You poor dear. Your husband Morris drowned. At least he left you ten million dollars.

It’s amazing that he made so much money, yet he couldn’t even read or write.” 

Sarah smiled, “Yeah, thank God he couldn’t swim either.” 

The women in front of them are really taking their time and are slowing the men down.

So one man says to his friend, “I’m gonna go ask those ladies if we can play through.” 

He starts walking toward them, but about halfway there, he turns around.

When he gets back, his friend asks what happened.

He replies, “One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress. 

Why don’t you go talk to them?”

So the second man starts to walk over. 

He gets halfway there and turns around.

When he gets back, his friend asks, “Now what happened?”

To this he replies, “It’s a small world.”

And that’s it for today my friends. May your day be filled with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

It’s the weekend.

Holly and I are going to the movie this afternoon to see the new Daniel and the Fiery Furnace movie. I’ll give you a review later.

So I’m spending the morning with you guys, I just mowed the lawn. I’m afraid I cut the grass a little too early, it was still a bit wet from the morning dew. Made a bit of a mess. It’ll be alright. I’m not one of those guys who agonizes over my lawn. “Is the city gonna get angry and send nasty letters? No? Then we’re good. I got more important things to do.”

Like spend time with you guys!

What the ever-lovin’ heck?! I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that at some point in time, alcohol was involved.

No! In fact, HELL NO!

In a recent survey, 60 percent of respondents said the cities where they live is noisier now than they were five years ago. 

The other 40 percent didn’t hear the question.

I agree 100% with Stephanie, who sent in this picture: I need to  know the story behind this sign!

CORRECTION:  Nothing can prevent dragon fire…just sayin’.

Not everyone will get that one.

Michigan Law

A woman isn’t allowed to cut her own hair without her husband’s permission. 

Hmm, sounds a lot like Sharia Law.

How old are you? Who remembers this?

Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. 

Here are a few examples:

– The future of “I give” is “I take.”

– The parts of speech are lungs and air.

– The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

– A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

– Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

– The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

– The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

– We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

– One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

– A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.

– The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

– Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

– Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

– In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

There once was a rich man who was near death. 

He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. 

So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. 

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you,” 

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. 

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. 

The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. 

Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. 

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter, seeing the suitcase, says, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!” 

But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. 

Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.” 

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, “You brought pavement?!?!?!” 

In school one day, a teacher asked my six-year-old nephew why his handwriting wasn’t as neat as usual. 

He explained, “I’m trying out a new font.”

Sandra car was unreliable and she called Michael for a ride every time it broke down. 

One day Michael got yet another one of those calls.

“What happened this time?” he asked.

“My brakes went out,” Sandra said. “Can you come to get me?” 

“Where are you?” Michael asked.

“I’m in the drugstore,” Sandra responded.

“And where’s the car?” Michael asked.

“It’s in the drugstore too”. 

And that is that!

The movie was really good. I didn’t find any real Biblical mistakes although there was a bit of license taken to make the story flow. It works really well and was really well done. 

They put us in this little bitty 18 seat theater because Daniel was the lowest grossing movie out of all the movies that were showing and I thought, great, we’re going to have to fight for a seat and maybe not get to sit together. Until just as the movie started we were the only two people in the little theater and then two women walked in who weren’t together and sat down. So there were four of us all together. 

But! This little theater had REALLY comfortable seats. Leather, cushioned and they rocked a little. It was nice. But, I was highly disappointed that the movie wasn’t more heavily attended. But, it was 2:30 on a Saturday afternoon, so there’s that.

Anyway, worth seeing guys, if you get a chance. Love and happiness to you all. Until next time.

It’s late on Friday and I’m just getting this started. I’ve got a gazillion emails to get to and I’m way behind. This one may not be as long as normal.

But, on the flip side, I just started a load of laundry and have to stay up to take care of that. I’m not working tomorrow, so there’s that, but I do have to get up and mow. Then Holly and I are going to the movies.

Boy, this having a girlfriend sure takes up an awful lot of time.

Anyway, let’s get to it.

The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Jennifer’s excitement, not even her parents’ nasty divorce. 

Her mother Sheila finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride EVER! 

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new VERY young stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress. 

She asked Barbie to exchange the dress, but Barbie refused, “Absolutely not! I’m going to wear this dress; I’ll look like a million in it!” 

Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied, “Never mind dear. I’ll get another dress, after all it’s YOUR special day, not hers.” 

Two weeks later another dress was finally found. 

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, “What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don’t have any place to wear it.” 

Sheila grinned and replied, “Of course, I do, dear. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner! 

Recently some archeologists in England dug 200 meters underground and found old copper and wires. British scientists concluded that 2000 years ago their ancestors were using telephones. 

Archeologists in France dug 300 meters underground and found similar material. French scientists concluded that 3000 years ago their ancestors were using high-tech telecommunications systems. 

Archeologists in Egypt dug 500 meters in the desert under the Pyramids of Giza, and found nothing. Egyptian scientists concluded that 5000 years ago their ancestors were already using mobile phones. 

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe. 

– H. G. Wells (1866-1946

That’s it. Almost a full issue. Until next time my dear friends. My love to you all.