Dragon Laffs #1585–Wednesday’s Wonders

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Good Morning Campers,

As with many of you, we’re getting snow this Sunday evening…well, it’s actually almost Monday.  Thankfully, I have Monday off thanks to Martin Luther King, Jr., so I was outside just a few minutes ago with my puppies.  This is what it is like:
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Okay, so you can’t really see my girls very well, so, here’s Baileigh, she’ll be 11-years-old in March:20180114_225148

And this is Pepper.  She’s about 2-years-old:
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And she’s a big baby.  Can’t wait to get back in the house where it’s warm.

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Yeah, it’s cold…according to Weather Bug, at midnight on Sunday night it’s 17°F and feels like 7°.

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I saw a very interesting video … a gatesnotes video by Bill Gates and thought it would be perfect to try my hand at making an infogram.  And here it is!
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So meh!  I put several hours work into it and all I would give it would be a C+ or a B-.

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On the phone with a golf buddy who has asked him to play, a guy says: “I am the master of my home and can play golf whenever I want. But hold on a minute while I find out if I want to.”

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The brain is a most amazing organ.  It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year from the moment of your birth until you fall in love.

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Every woman’s dream…
Her ideal man takes her in his arms, throws her on the bed…
and cleans the whole house while she sleeps.

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A man went into a restaurant and sat his six children at a table.  A woman asked, “Are all of those children yours?”
He replied, “No, I work for a condom company…these are customer complaints.”

This next bunch are all from my good buddy Wheats.  He has a real talent.

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I don’t like to think before I speak…
I like to be just as surprised as everyone else about what I say.

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Yes indeedy!

 

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn’t paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

 IRS  AUDITOR: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them”.

 Boat  Owner: “Well, there’s Clarence, my deckhand, he’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board.  Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweiser’s every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally”.

IRS  AUDITOR: “That’s the guy I want to talk to – the mentally challenged one”.

Boat  Owner: “That would be me. What would you like to know”?

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This is a deceptively simple philosophy that a friend has been working on and refining for most of his life.  I believe he has refined it down to its essence — sufficiently to share it with a select few friends that may appreciate its elegance and simplicity.00

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and feel glad that you are alive?
Well, I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again…

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An Oldie, but Goodie.

A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair.  She let’s out a sigh heavy with frustration.

“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior.  “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

“It was,” sighed the Sister.  “And I went to play golf with my brother.  We try to play golf as often as we can.  You know, I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”

“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed.  “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”

“Far from it,” snorted the Sister.  “In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!”

“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.  “You must tell me all about it!”

“Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother – 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life.  I creamed it.  The sweetest swing I ever made.  And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”

“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother.  “How unfortunate!  But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”

“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted Sister.  “While I was still trying to fathom what hade happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”

“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!”sympathized the Mother.

“But, I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister.  “And I was so proud of myself!  And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”

“So, that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother with a knowing smile.

“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18inches from the cup!”

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said, “You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”

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And that’s it for today my friends.  Be well, until we meet again.

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Dragon Laffs #1584–The Still Frozen Midwest

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campers

 

Yes, I know…I missed Wednesday, but I’ve been…a little busy.

And although it warmed up for a day, it’s cold again, and we had a tenth of an inch of freezing rain, and we had an inch of sleet, and we’ve had…so far…about two inches of snow.  Now, I haven’t had a real day off since Christmas and this weekend was supposed to be a three-day weekend because of Lee Jackson Day …  oh wait… that’s Friday … and only in Virginia.  It must be because Monday is Stephen Foster Memorial Day … no … wait … that’s on Saturday, today, and who the hell is Steven Foster? 

Nope, it’s Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and it’s a Federal Holiday.  But because of the really crappy weather we got yesterday, they closed the base and I’m getting a four-day weekend.  And I’m sleeping as much as I possibly can. 

Oh, by the way, it’s also Robert E. Lee’s Birthday on Monday in Alabama and Arkansas, State Holiday in Mississippi, and Idaho Human Rights Day in … you guessed it … Idaho.

This coming Friday is Robert E. Lee’s Birthday in Florida and a State Holiday in Texas.

What?  You all just can’t agree to celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr. Day?  Sheesh!  And what’s with Robert E. Lee getting 2 birthdays?  What’s up with that?

fostersWas Steven Foster the inventor of Foster’s Beer (I’m sorry, Premium Lager, not just beer!)?

Wait…Steven Foster (4 July 1826 – 13 Jan 1864) (Hey! Dude was born on the 4th of July!) known as “the father of American music” (Hey, again!  Dude died when he was only 38!  How can he be the father of ANYTHING American!) was an American songwriter known primarily for his parlor and minstrel music.  Foster wrote over 200 songs; among his best-known are “Oh! Susanna:, “Camptown Races”… Ohhhhhh!!!!!!! That Steven Foster!!!!

Okay, so nevermind….

It’s time to laugh…really, laugh… so let’s go.

lets laugh

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The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge.

The usher became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there, I’m going to have to call the manager.

The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment, he had returned with the manager.

Together, the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?”

“Sam,” the cowboy moaned.

“Where ya from, Sam?”

With pain in his voice Sam replied……. “The balcony.”

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And that’s it for today folks. 

Have a wonderful weekend.

Impish Dragon

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Dragon Laffs #1583–The Frozen Midwest

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My dearest Campers,

It’s damn cold out!  Some of you are suffering worse than we are and we are really, really cold.  We have wind chills of –20 degrees and below.  That’s crazy!  My little brother, the Owl, lives in Florida and actually found out what the red area on the car’s heater switch was for.

Anyway, laughter is a great way to stay warm, so…what do you say we heat this place up!

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My back deck.  Yup, it’s just the beginning.

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I heard internet addiction is now an official mental disorder and you can go to rehab for it.  I’m only going if there’s Wi-Fi.

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I was born to be wild, but only until around 9 p.m. or so.

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Forget boob shots or boot shots.  Show me a pic of your medicine cabinet so I know what I’m dealing with.

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TRIAL AND ERROR.  BUT MOSTLY ERROR.  LIKE, A SHITLOAD OF ERROR.

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I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell of the bicycle, the bottle would break.

So, I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

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Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat.

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Everyone has a hidden talent they don’t know about until the tequila is poured.

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At times I wish I had a clone, but then I realize, I could never live with that asshole.

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I have been putting a lot of thought into it and I just don’t think being an adult is gonna work out for me.

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I wish Santa would publish his naughty list.  What a great way to meet people.

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Lady in the commercial for the Life Alert necklace said she fell and laid there for 8 hours until her friend came.  MY question is, why didn’t the cameraman help her up?

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That’s gonna have to do it for today campers.  Hope you have a great weekend.  Stay warm, stay safe and be happy.

Impish

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Dragon Laffs #1582

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  Well, the new year is starting off as cold as the old year ended.  Not surprising I suppose.  It’s New Year’s Day a little after noon and according to my phone it is -5°F and feels like -15°F.  Twelve hours ago at midnight, it actually felt warmer than it does now.  It was -10°F but felt like -10°F.  Funny, huh?

I hope you all had a great New Year’s Eve and that everyone got home safe and sound.  T start off the new year, let’s do some laughing.

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It is very important to belt your loved ones!

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That’s so funny.  I have to do the same thing.

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Oh Linus, I’m so with you there, buddy!

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Amen!

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No, you can’t ignore them.  Then they may just go off and ask someone else and you have no control over what they learn.

That’s it for today folks,

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

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Dragon Laffs #1581 – Happy New Year!

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It’s been a LOOOONNNNGGGGG year!  One of the worst on record for the DL&LL family of enterprises.  I know…I KNOW that 2018 is going to be a better year.  It has to be.  It 15can’t hardly be a worse one. 

But, you know what.  No matter how bad it’s gotten for the Dragon family, no matter how close to the edge we’ve gotten, God has always been there to pull us back, keep us safe, protected us and blessed us.

16I’m sure there’s more than one Chuck Lorre fan out there.  He’s the producer of The Big Bang Theory among many other shows, and at the end of each episode he has what he calls his vanity cards.  Tonight I saw an old one from about this time last year and it goes like this:

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #545

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been spending most of my free time in the land of Not Yet. If you’re unfamiliar with it, Not Yet is a happy place where all the bad things that seem likely to occur have not happened… yet. I like to think of it as a shimmering, shivering soap bubble whose fragile beauty is only made greater by the knowledge that it will soon burst, making way for the dark realm of You Gotta Be Kidding Me.

But not now.

Not Yet.

And yes, I would love to say Not Ever, but that place doesn’t exist.28[3]

Yeah, that about describes it.  So, what do you say we get some laughter going and enjoy our weekend?

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I don’t know what you guys have planned for New Year’s but if you’re going to drink please make sure that you have a designated driver or other arrangements.  I want you all to be safe.

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Don’t we all know someone like this?

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Yeah, it’s definitely going to be the later for me.

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Have a great holiday and we’ll see you in the new year.

Love you Mom!

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