Dragon Laffs

And we’re back! Went home early from work today, Thursday, I think it’s allergies, the air quality is terrible right now, but really, I just feel like crap. And tomorrow, I’m going to Muncie to pick up my nephew from Ball State. So, today, I’m going to relax for the rest of the day, other than a meeting tonight that I have to go to. I should be out mowing the lawn (jungle) right now, except it’s about 150 degrees outside. Okay, so it’s 89 and feels like 100 according to the weather app. Personally, I think that’s wrong, it can’t possibly be a cool, balmy 100 degrees out there. Not when stray cats are spontaneously bursting into flames. But, who am I to argue with the weather app?

So, while we’re waiting for things to cool down …

Yeah, like I was EVER able to stretch like that daily … or ever.

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with some house repairs after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe’s place.

When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. 

When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her. 

Once they were working on the repairs, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. 

Joe said that he’d started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn’t be better. 

Bob thought he’d give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. 

His wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. 

She said, “This is the worst day of my life. 

First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. 

Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. 

And now, you come home drunk!” 

Four old men were out golfing.

“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained. 

“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.

“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, “Just be thankful we’re still on the right side of the grass!”

Once upon a time, a solitary female brain cell fired up by mistake and found herself trapped in the middle of a man’s skull. She looked around nervously, but the vast expanse was pitch-black, echoey, and profoundly quiet. It was like standing in an abandoned, multi-story warehouse.

Feeling a bit uneasy, she cleared her throat and called out. “Hello? Is anyone home?”

Nothing. Not even a stray spark of electricity.

She took a few steps forward into the cerebral cortex, her anxiety growing. “Is there anyone here?” she cried a little louder, waiting for a response. Still, nothing but the deafening sound of silence.

Now genuinely panicked and feeling completely isolated in the barren wasteland, she took a deep breath, cupped her hands around her mouth, and yelled at the absolute top of her lungs: “HELLO! IS THERE ANYONE ALIVE IN HERE?!”

Suddenly, the silence broke. A tiny, distant, incredibly faint echo drifted up from way, way down below the brainstem…

“We’re down here.”

Way too much truth in this one … rotten dogs!

This one actually made me laugh so hard I cried. Not sure if you have to be in the Air Force to get it or not, but it sure is funny…

https://www.facebook.com/reel/515656334338627

An awful lot of truth in that one.

I was crossing the street. I got hit by a mobile library. I was lying there in pain, screaming. 

The guy looked at me. He went, “Shhhh.”

“I’ve come to pay that bill I’ve owed you for so long,”  said Jones. 

“That letter you wrote me would get money out of a stone.  How did you ever think it up?”

Replied his creditor: “I didn’t.  I selected the best parts from letters my son sends me from college.”

Joe says to Bill, “Want to see a picture of my Aunt?” 

“Sure.”

So Joe takes out a picture.

“What are you talking about?” Bill says, “That’s not your aunt! That’s a picture of a fish!” 

Joe responds, “Well, sure it is… 

It’s my aunt Chovy!” 

So…are you trying to say that dragons are slothful? … Okay, so there’s some truth to that. We do like sleeping on piles of treasure.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

– Mark Twain (1835-1910)

And having the courage to say, “That’s it for today my friends!” and then having something to hide behind. No, really. I know better. I know how appreciative you all are. So, until next time….

So, according to my time traveling calculations, you are reading this on Saturday. So, for you today, I am going to a wedding today! Some dear friends’ daughter, who also happens to be a dear friend and a member of the Army National Guard, as well as her betrothed, so I’m looking forward to it.

Today is Tuesday for me and … well … I’m not a fan. Tomorrow is my anniversary and to tell the truth, I’m a bit jittery. For those of you who are new around here, my Mary passed away in January of 2022 and it’s been a rough rode for me and even though it’s been four and a half years … it’s still been tough.

And even though I am in the early stages of having a lady friend … or should I even say, a friend who is a lady … I still miss my dear Mary every single day.

BUT!! I Know where she is and that she is in a much better, sweeter, lovelier place with her Heavenly Father and Jesus and that fills my heart with Joy!

It’s MY grief that hurts, that’s all. And that’s temporary. And normal.

This life we have here on earth is so small and tiny.

See this little dot . That’s our whole life compared to the entire universe of eternity.

And yet…

It is what we do with that little dot that determines what happens with that universe of eternity. Choose wisely my friends. I KNOW where I’m spending eternity. Do you? Are you sure? If you’re not, write to me, we can talk about it.

impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com

Now THAT is an example of an opening going FAR different then I expected when I sat down and started writing. So, from here, let’s just say …

I know it’s not Wednesday, but it’s still cute and besides, I don’t publish on Wednesdays.

Le Flame, Le die!

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. 

-Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

You’re old fashioned! But, so am I! I will NOT go to a self-service checkout. If there is not a register open with a person running it, I’ll leave my cart and walk out.

I went to a good school where some of our foremost politicians learned their three R’s ­ 

This is Ours, that is Ours, everything is Ours.

Think cold … maybe it will help!

Louisiana Law

It is illegal to gargle in public places

Now, that’s just silly!

Well …. since that picture is in color, probably a little older.

For the rest of us, that’s about 8 pounds and 13 ounces (and a little bit). That’s a heavy shirt!

I can attest to this! Yes, I’ve had a mammogram. Yes, Impish had a breast cancer scare. Yes, I had a lump, no it was not cancer. And yes, the mammogram hurt as much as you think it did. I think if I had real breasts it may not have hurt as much, but then again, women’s breasts are a LOT more sensitive than men’s. So, there’s that.

This one always brings a tear to my eye.

MOM’S SPECIAL BROWNIES



Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.


Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.


Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr. “no, no.”


Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.


Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.


Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.


Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.


Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat’s tail.


Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.


Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.


Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. 

Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.


Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.


Let cat out of refrigerator.


Pour mixture into well-greased 9×13-inch pan.


Bake 25 minutes.


Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. 

Throw cat outside while there’s still time and he’s still able to run away.



FROSTING


Mix the following in saucepan:


1 cup sugar


1 oz unsweetened chocolate


1/4 cup margarine


Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away — far away.


Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn’t know Jr. had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Jr. in playpen.


Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.


Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man’s front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.


Tie Billy to clothesline.


Remove burned brownies from oven.

Notice to people who visit my home.

1. The dog lives here. You don’t.

2. If you don’t want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. 

3. Yes, she has some disgusting habits. So do I and so do you. What’s your point? 

4. OF COURSE she smells like a dog.

5. It’s her nature to try to sniff your crotch. Please feel free to sniff hers. 

6. I like her a lot better than I like most people.

7. To you she’s a dog. To me she’s an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly. I have no problem with any of these things. 

8. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don’t ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don’t hang out with drug-using friends, don’t smoke or drink, don’t worry about whether they have the latest fashions, don’t wear your clothes, don’t need! a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant you can sell the pups. 

9. The same applies for the cats, except they will ignore you…until you’re asleep 

There was a ventriloquist who’d had no work for six months. 

He went to his agent and told him he needed work badly.

The agent said, “There’s no call for ventriloquists, but if you were a psychic I could get you plenty of work.” 

So the ventriloquist went home and hung out a psychic sign.

An hour later a woman knocks on the door:

“I want to talk to my deceased husband. How much will it cost?” 

The ventriloquist says, “If you talk to him, it’s $50; if he talks to you, it’s $100; and if you talk to each other while I’m drinking a glass of water, that’s $200.”

Questions a man asked his Sunday School class:


“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?” 

I asked the children in my Sunday School class.

“NO!” the children all answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”

Again, the answer was, “NO!”

“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, “NO!”

“Well, I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?” 

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!”

Got a short note from Joe in NJ…

Impish,

My new project is installing padded fencing

in the yard. I understand it’s necessary for my latest adventure: 

I’m going to raise 

boneless chickens. 

Been told they’re rather fragile. 

                  …Joe

And that’s it my friends. Got to run. I hope you had as good a time as I did. May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

Okay, so I want to know who got the picture of me (above) from when I was a kid? I forgot that thing even existed. So embarrassing.

Anyway, as promised, moving directly on to this episode from the last one. So, don’t really have much new stuff to add, so I guess we’ll just jump right into the fun stuff.

Monkeys not included!!! Well, that’s no good! Where the heck am I supposed to get monkeys from?

HUSBAND and CAT

           MISSING

$500 reward for cat

This next one is really quite interesting! Worth the watch.

So … yesterday was my 31st anniversary. Doesn’t matter that we’re in separate realms right now. I still miss her everyday. Happy anniversary Mary~Mae.

And that’s it my friends. May you have another beautiful and blessed day. Until next time …

Well, it’s Saturday morning and I’m waiting for the Izzy Dragon to awaken so we can pack up the car and go to Goodwill to drop off a bunch of stuff that she has. The problem is, I’m sure she’ll bring home as much as she drops off. But that’s fine. It keeps her off the streets at night.

So, while I wait for her to drag herself out of bed, I’ll spend some time with you guys, and get this episode going. See if I can’t find something to get fired up about and just plain have fun! So …

I don’t know what’s so funny. That’s how they sell them in my neighborhood.

Wait! 4 what?

Yup…he was drunk.

And then trust Him to do it!

Joe sends us this …

I heard about this a number of years ago. 

It was happening often in the deep south. 

When a bad storm hit and power was out for an extended time, home owners (Trailers and homes) would run a gas generator to power the critical items. 

During the night, thieves would steal the generators. The home owners never knew because they heard the continuous sound of the motor. What the thieves had done was put an old gas lawn mower next to the house, run it for the engine sound and take the expensive generator. 

Homeowners kept hearing the engine running and didn’t know their generator was gone. 

Quiet smoking only?

And that’s a BIG difference!!!

You people paying attention out there! DO NOT (wink! nudge!) plant bamboo near Data Centers! Don’t (Wink!) Do it! (Nudge, Nudge!)

Joe sent us a special message about his holiday experiences…

   This is July 8th  and they are still shooting off fireworks!

They almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire.

And then we got a follow up message from him…

Thank you all!

Our blowup turkey was not harmed!

    …Joe

Thank goodness for small miracles, Joe.

Almost 77 years ago and we’re still going through the same crap with these guys!

Maine Law

Shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack. 

OH! I gotta get me one of these!

Same thing happened at my brother Ken’s house.

I did!

Interesting concept.

The heavy clinking of pint glasses and the low hum of the jukebox did little to drown out Arthur’s brooding. He stared into his amber whiskey, his face a mask of pure betrayal, before turning to his buddy, Dave, on the stool next to him.

“I’m telling you, Dave, that wife of mine is a pathological liar,” Arthur growled, slamming his glass down just hard enough to spill a few drops. “I’m sick of the deceit.”

Dave took a slow sip of his beer, adjusting to his role as the tonight’s designated bartender-therapist. “Whoa, calm down, man. That’s a heavy accusation. What makes you so sure she’s lying to you?”

“Because she didn’t come home last night,” Arthur said, leaning in close, his eyes narrowed. “Not a text, not a call, nothing. Just rolled through the front door this morning like nothing happened. So I cornered her in the kitchen. I demanded to know exactly where she’d been all night.”

“And?” Dave asked, leaning in too. “What did she say?”

“She looked me straight in the eye, cool as ice, and said she had spent the entire night over at her sister Shirley’s house because they were ‘watching movies and talking.’ Can you believe the nerve?”

Dave blinked, looking a bit confused. “I mean… it sounds plausible, Arthur. Shirley only lives a few miles away. What’s so terrible about that? How does that make her a liar?”

Arthur let out a bitter, cynical laugh and shook his head.

“Because she’s a liar, Dave… I spent the night with her sister Shirley.”

It’s very true. My dear, ALL of your problems would be solved if you had a dragon.

Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, and just before you realize what’s wrong with it. 

Rex Harrison (1908-1990)

As EVERYONE should!

I was asking my friend who has children, “What if I have a baby and I dedicate my life to it and it grows up to hate me. And it blames everything wrong with its life on me.” 

And she said, “What do you mean, ‘If?’

Oh! Back from Goodwill, by the way. Went to Goodwill, got gas, took Izzy to lunch, and stopped at the store. Came home, put everything away, took out the puppies and after putting everything away, I’m back with you guys and the first thing that Izzy said was, “Can I take a nap?”

LOL!

Sure kiddo, take a nap. Gotta love it.

On with the show.

Maryland, Baltimore

It is illegal  to take a lion to the movies.

Okay, a couple of things here.

1 – I would hope this would be illegal EVERYWHERE!

2 – What in the world happened that made them have to codify this!

My 9 year old daughter was going through the stuff with me from our attic, she pulled out some records that we had from years ago. 

She exclaimed ” This is the biggest CD I’ve ever seen Dad!” 

And that’s it for this one my friends. Gonna finish this one up and immediately jump into the next one since I’m just sitting here listening to podcasts. So … until the next one.

And the beginning of another issue. Today is Monday and the start of the Angelology class. I’m really excited about this. I am 100% sure this issue will not be complete by then so I can share with you later and tell you how the first class went. It’s only two classes. This Monday and next, with the test the following Monday. It should be great fun.

But, in the mean time, while I’m waiting, let’s get this issue started, shall we?

Why can’t more people today understand this? It is unbelievable to me how many people show up to my classes 5 to 10 minutes late and see nothing wrong with that. Well, I should say, they USED to show up late. They don’t anymore. See, Impish has a REPUTATION on base. New people are told and old people know that if the class starts at 0800, the door is closed at 0800 and no one is admitted after that time. I am not going to waste people’s time who got there on time by either starting the class over or stopping the class to get someone late caught up. My class, my rules. It’s not like the class was a bloody surprise to you. You want to be fashionably late, do it where it’s fashionable, not where it’s disrespectful.

I have questions … a LOT of questions.

First Prayer of the Continental Congress, 1774 

“O Lord our Heavenly Father, high and mighty King of kings, and Lord of lords, who dost from thy throne behold all the dwellers on earth and reignest with power supreme and uncontrolled over all the Kingdoms, Empires and Governments; look down in mercy, we beseech Thee, on these our American States, who have fled to Thee from the rod of the oppressor and thrown themselves on Thy gracious protection, desiring to be henceforth dependent only on Thee. To Thee have they appealed for the righteousness of their cause; to Thee do they now look up for that countenance and support, which Thou alone canst give. Take them, therefore, Heavenly Father, under Thy nurturing care; give them wisdom in Council and valor in the field; defeat the malicious designs of our cruel adversaries; convince them of the unrighteousness of their Cause and if they persist in their sanguinary purposes, of own unerring justice, sounding in their hearts, constrain them to drop the weapons of war from their unnerved hands in the day of battle!

Be Thou present, O God of wisdom, and direct the councils of this honorable assembly; enable them to settle things on the best and surest foundation. That the scene of blood may be speedily closed; that order, harmony and peace may be effectually restored, and truth and justice, religion and piety, prevail and flourish amongst the people. Preserve the health of their bodies and vigor of their minds; shower down on them and the millions they here represent, such temporal blessings as Thou seest expedient for them in this world and crown them with everlasting glory in the world to come. All this we ask in the name and through the merits of Jesus Christ, Thy Son and our Savior.

Amen.”

Reverend Jacob Duché

Rector of Christ Church of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

September 7, 1774

Illinois, Chicago Law

People who are diseased, maimed, mutilated, or deformed to the point of being “an unsightly or disgusting object” are banned from going out in public.

I was shopping with my wife at a local supermarket and suddenlycouldn’t find her.

“I’ve lost my wife!” I muttered slightly louder than was necessary. 

Then I heard a strange man’s voice from the next aisle: “Some people have all the luck.”

The quiet of the hospital was broken by the piercing sirens, and
white-clad guards ran everywhere looking for the missing mental
patient to no avail.

Later that evening, the police, responding to a report of a woman
screaming, surrounded a house. As they pulled up, they could see
activity through a gap in the curtains, and the lights abruptly
went out.

Repeated knocking and ringing of the bell being unavailing, they
broke down the door. To their horror, they saw a woman lying naked
on the floor and the mental patient just pulling up his pants.

The mental patient ran to a large bedroom window, picked up a stool,
broke it out, and tried to make his escape into the fields behind
the house.

One of the officers, not quick enough to catch him, fired at the
fleeing form, hitting him in the arm. The impact and surprise
threw the fleeing felon off balance, and he crashed into the low
fence surrounding the back yard.

The man was treated at the local hospital, and sent back to the
institution, where he was placed under guard in solitary confinement 

The headline in the local paper the next day read:

                    NUT BOLTS AND SCREWS

                 Police Wing Nut, Lock Nut Up

Arthur sat at the kitchen island, practically vibrating with triumph as he tapped his finger on a printed article. He had been waiting for this exact moment for months.

“Look at this, Sarah,” he said, sliding the paper across the counter to his wife. “It’s a scientific study. Hard data. It proves that women talk way more than men. The average man uses about 15,000 words a day, but a woman? A staggering 30,000 words. You guys literally talk twice as much.”

Sarah didn’t look up from her coffee. She took a slow, deliberate sip, letting the silence stretch just long enough to make Arthur slightly uncomfortable. She glanced down at the study, then looked up at him with a look of calm, pitying clarity.

“Well, Arthur, that makes perfect sense,” she said evenly. “The reason women have to use twice as many words as men is because we always have to repeat everything we say.”

Arthur blinked, his triumphant smirk instantly vanishing as his brain stalled.

He leaned forward, looking completely stunned, and said, “What?”

I used to watch golf on TV during the weekend, but my doctor told me I needed more exercise … 

so now I watch tennis.

OH! That is SO GOOD!!!!

Louisiana, New Orleans

It is against the law to decorate a roadside tree.

Why?

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t note worthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn’t fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

And that’s it my friends. I was just informed by my daughter that she’s out of distilled water for her mini swamp cooler. So we are making a run to the store. So … gotta go. My love to you all.