Well, I’m back. And suddenly, Word Press has changed things around and I can’t do the things I wanted to do or like I did them before with text. So, my writing may look a little different then it has in the past. I may work on it and see if I can get it working correctly again, but in the mean time, what do you say we get right to it, shall we?

I do, too!

The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary.  

She ignored the telephone when it rang.

“You must answer the telephone,” he told her irritably. 

“All right,” she replied, “but it seems so silly.  Nine times out of ten, it’s for you!”

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from the Prime Minister of Israel. 

“Your Holiness”, said one of his Cardinals, Mr.  Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand.

“Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?” he asked.

“None that plays very well,” a Cardinal replied.  

“But he added,”there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic.  

We can  offer to make him a Cardinal,then ask him to play Mr.  Sharon as your personal representative.  

In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match.”

Everyone agreed it was a good idea.  The call was made. Ofcourse,Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.  

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. 

 “I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness,” said Nicklaus.

“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope. 

“Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but eventhough I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far.  

I must have been inspired from above.  My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect.  With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”

“There’s bad news?”, the Pope asked.  “Yes,” Nicklaus sighed.  “I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by seven strokes….” 

This one is REALLY cute!

Told my doctor:

“I could be a healthy person if you’d stop finding things

wrong with me!”

Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

Well, interesting day. Today is Saturday, by the way. Had Men’s Breakfast this morning, mowed the lawn, took the second test for this semester’s FBI, and now I’m about worn out!

So, Lynn sent this to me …

This is an Oldie, but I just came across it again and thought of you! 😀😀

And that’s it my friends. I got nothing else for today, but I do need to start the next one, because it’s going to be one of those weeks. Exercises and a special talk on Thursday night, not to mention the regular FBI class (last one of the semester) and Jail Ministry, it should be a real exciting week. So, until the next episode, be very well my dear friends.

Well, today is Wednesday and I’m off work so I can take Izzy to the hospital for some testing all based on her mini-seizure way back when she had a blood test.  We kind of think it’s unnecessary, but we all do what we’re told to do, right?

Well, not always, but in this case…

Anyway, I have a little time before we have to leave, so let’s work on this fun-fest and see where things take us, shall we?

Joe has a warning for us:

Well, it’s partially the problem because why are you having children with someone you aren’t married to? I know this isn’t the case ALL the time, but when we do things the way God intended us to do: date, fall in love, get married, have sex, have children … in that order … and the order of things matters.  So yeah, fathers leave, but it still takes two to tango.

I wish to congratulate the linemen who strung those wires!

What could he have possibly done to get the attention of four cops?!

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

– Mark Twain (1835-1910)

“Woe to those who call evil good and good evil,” Isaiah 5:20a

Thanks to Chris for this one:

That one always cracks me up.

Yeah, that’s not even CLOSE to being true!

Henny Youngman

My wife dresses to kill.
Too Bad She cooks the same way.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.

A good wife always forgives her husband when
she’s wrong.

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.

Never go to bed mad.
Stay up and fight.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

I laughed SO hard!

There is nothing biblically that supports any of that nonsense!

PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS

These useful quotes are from actual federal employee performance evaluations: 

1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 
2. I would not allow this employee to breed.
3. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won’t-be. 
4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. 
5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet. 
6. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
8. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 
9. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
10. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better. 
11. Got a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together. 
12. A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
13. He does not have ulcers, but he is a carrier.
14. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
15. He has been working with glue too much.
16. He would argue with a signpost.
17. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
18. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
19. If you see two people talking, and one looks bored, he is the other one. 
20. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
21. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
22. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train is not coming. 
24. Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
25. If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week. 
26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change.
27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
28. It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
29. One neuron short of a synapse.
30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
31. Takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
32. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Douglas was being evaluated for mental problems and was asked by the doctor, 

“If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?” 

Douglas replied, “I would get in my helicopter and fly away!”

The doctor then asked, “Where did you get a helicopter from?”

Douglas replied, “The same place you got that damn train!”

See, I found that a perfectly acceptable answer.  If you can have a train in a hallway, I can have a helicopter in a hallway.

Our dear friend Lynn sent me a bunch of my old favorites, so here they all are now shared with you … also some of my old favorites. (See what I did there? (SWIDT))

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, “So which six items would you like to buy?”
Wouldn’t it be great if that happened?
~~~~~~~~~~
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table. “Young man, we’re both 90 years old,” the husband said. “We may not have 45 minutes.”
They were seated immediately.
~~~~~~~~~~
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they have passed.
~~~~~~~~~~
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card. 
~~~~~~~~~~
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
~~~~~~~~~~
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, “When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?”
Artie said, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”
Eugene commented, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives.”
Al said, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!'”
~~~~~~~~~~
Smith climbed to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asked the Lord… “God, what does a million years mean to you?”
The Lord replied, “A minute.”
Smith asked, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”
The Lord replied, “A penny.”
Smith asked, “Can I have a penny?”
The Lord replied, “In a minute.”
~~~~~~~~~~
A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”
“Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”
~~~~~~~~~~
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, “Give me one last request, dear,” he said.
“Of course, John,” his wife said softly.
“Six months after I die,” John said, “I want you to marry Bob.”
“But I thought you hated Bob,” she said.
With his last breath John said, “I do!”
~~~~~~~~~~

Izzy sent that one to me to tell  me that it describes herself.

That’s going to take some of you WAY back since we don’t wear that gear any more.

How is a hospital gown like insurance?

You’re never covered as much as you think you are.

And that’s it for this one my friends. It’s now Friday and I’m gonna jump right into the next one. I’ve got a busy weekend ahead of me, so I need to get ahead. So, see you in a few … at least on my end.  For you guys … it’ll be a few days.

So, it’s now Saturday and doing some laundry and just relaxing and I thought I’d spend a little time with you guys. I’m in a mood today, so I need to laugh so I thought we’d do that together. So, let’s get started.

It bothers me that this sign is necessary.

I just bought a Humpty Dumpty toy from Aldi.

It’s brilliant.

It comes with Aldi kings horses and Aldi kings men.

That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow.

There should be a calorie refund for things that didn’t taste as good as you expected.

I can’t believe I’ve lived long enough that I’m being fact checked by 20 year old boys with man buns, skinny jeans and nose rings that don’t even know who bombed Pearl Harbor!!

There is no such thing as a Grouchy Old Person. The truth is, once you get old you stop being polite and start being Honest.

Arguing with a WOMAN is like getting ARRESTED. Everything you say can and will be used against you.

Remember:
before Facebook, when no one cared what you had for breakfast!?

They still don’t.

Cell phones bring you closer to the person far from you. But take you away from the ones sitting right next to you.

And others who read that as 90ish or so…

A recent study found people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits.

And people who order a quad shot, nonfat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel, drizzle are more likely to be their victims.

I thought I broke my ankle when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night.

The doctor says it’s only tissue damage.

And that’s it. I’m doing a little better.  The depression is still beating me about the head and shoulders, but I’m still doing standing upright. You guys helped. I hoped you enjoyed the show.  Tune in next time and laugh with me again.

So, I’m picking right back up from the last issue… on May 1st, May Day. Izzy told me that today is Law Day.  I found this on line since I’ve never HEARD of Law Day before:

Law Day, observed annually in the United States on May 1, celebrates the rule of law, the legal process, and its role in protecting liberties. Established in 1958 by President Dwight D. Eisenhower, it highlights how the legal system fosters justice and equality. The American Bar Association leads the observance, often with themes focused on constitutional rights

Now, I was warned not to confuse this with National Loyalty Day, which is also on May 1st, which focuses on loyalty to American freedom or international May Day, which focuses on workers’ rights. So, doing a quick search on Loyalty Day I got:

National Loyalty Day, observed annually on May 1st in the United States, is a legal holiday dedicated to reaffirming allegiance to the U.S. and recognizing American freedom. Initiated in 1921 as “Americanization Day” and officially recognized by Congress in 1958, it serves as a patriotic counter to communist-associated May Day celebrations.

Yeah, gonna do International May Day next which is where I think we’ll get the whole “communist-associated” thing from…

May 1 is celebrated around the world as International Workers Day, a time to honor the struggles and achievements of the labor movement. Ironically, May Day has been less observed in the United States than in other countries, despite its U.S. origins.

And directly below that AI generated clip is a link to the “American Friends Service Committee” (read also as the communist party of America) so it makes more sense.

So, who knew that May 1st had such … auspicious airs? 

Anyway, I still need to laugh some more over my poor water heater, so let’s get to it, shall we?

Oh yeah, Izzy also reminded me that it’s the 15th anniversary of the death of Osama Bin Laden. So, there’s that. 

Now, then…

Okay, I’m NOT taking the blame for this one! Nope, not me. This is all Joe!

HUGE FIGHT AT SEAFOOD RESTAURANT.

BATTERED FISH EVERYWHERE

“I always read my wife’s horoscope to see what kind of day I am going to have…”

Yesterday a woman called for an ambulance. 

Operator: How may I help you? 

Woman: I banged my toe against the coffee table and hurt it real bad. 

Operator: And you want to call an ambulance for that? 

Woman: No. The ambulance is for my husband. He shouldn’t have laughed…

Somebody stole my coworker’s money, so I asked how much. She said $350. I went to the restroom to count it… it was only $85.

Why do people lie like that?

Exec: Any ideas for new kids shows? 

Writer: A mouse tried to murder a cat with dynamite. 

Exec: Nice. What else? 

Writer: A coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite. 

Exec: Love it. Any more? 

Writer: A dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun.

Approximately 90% of the population are people with an average or lower intelligence level. Statistically speaking, I’m glad that I’m in the other 15% group.

Mine, too!!

Fair point…

I need some sort of away message for texts that says something like this: Hi, I am exhausted from human interaction right now. I know I’m posting on social media, but I currently do not have the energy to hold a conversation. I still love you and will get back to you in 3 to 5 business days.

So very, very, VERY true. There is an entire sermon in this verse alone. Please always keep this in mind my dear friends.

My mind still thinks I’m 25.

My body thinks my mind is an idiot.

They ask me why I don’t have tattoos, so I told them, “Have you ever seen a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?”

Why do eggs come in flimsy Styrofoam cartons and batteries come in a package only a chainsaw can open?

And that’s it for this one my friends. I’m nackered.  Gonna end this one here until next time. Be well my friends.

Well … remember when I said that spring was finally here? I spoke too soon. We had another freeze warning last night and it’s cold again and I had to turn the darn heat back on. 

To add insult to injury, my water heater went out. In fact, the repairman just left after his initial visit. Not a quick fix like I had hoped. I need a replacement. Today is Friday, he’s headed back to the shop to see if he can get it done today or if it’s going to have to wait until Monday. 

Full replacement, plus a whole house filter (which I’ve been meaning to do for a while now since we have such terrible water here) $4k.  Comes with 2 years of carry-on service. It could have come at a worse time … 

And it’s  now 2 hours later and they are here replacing my water heater! Yay! Couple of really good guys. Working hard and doing a good job. I’ll keep you guys abreast of what’s going on but for now…

Then I wish he would act more like it.

Who was Alexander Graham Kolwaski?

_________________

He was the first Telephone Pole

Those are some great granddaughters.

Little Morris asked his aunt Sadie how old she was. 

….”39 and holding,” replied Auntie Sadie.

Little Morris thought for a moment, then said, “And how old would you be if you let go?” 

“And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”  Matthew 22:39 “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.” John 13:34

We discussed how hard this is at the jail the other night. The guy who cuts you off in traffic, the person who bumps into you at the grocery and then doesn’t even have the courtesy to apologize or worse, blames you. There are much worse examples I could use. We are not only supposed to forgive these people, but love them … as we love ourselves. How HARD that is! But, that is the expectation … the requirement.

A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found Morris a client. ‘I think this one will really move said the broker, it’s only $1 a share now ‘. 

OK buy me 1000 shares said Morris. The next day the stock was at $2. 

The client called the broker and said you were right, give me 5000 more shares. 

The next day Morris looked in the paper and the stock was at $4. 

The client ran to the phone and called the broker, get me 10,000 more shares said Morris. Great said the broker. 

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9. 

Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, Morris phoned and told the broker, “Sell all my shares.” 

The broker said, “To whom? You were the only one buying that stock.” 

I agree!!!!!

This one is really good. Well worth the click:

15 Wedding Portraits That Got A Little Too Creative

So very true, do we have any idea at all how many people do not have these things?

A German tourist walks into a McDonald’s in New York City and orders a beer. 

The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, “They don’t serve beer here, you moron!” 

The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle. 

“And what’s so funny?” the New Yorker demands. 

“Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for the food!” 

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. 

“I’m not aware of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.” 

“Of course,” replied the patient. “In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth…”

Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. 

The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.

Lena replied, “You just put, ‘Ole died.'”

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, “That’s it? Just ‘Ole died?’ Surely, there must be something more you’d like to say about Ole. If it’s money you’re concerned about, the first five words are free. We really should say something more.”

So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, “O.K., then. You put ‘Ole died. Boat for sale.'”

And that is what it’s all about.

And for the rest of us, say, “It’s about time!”

The attractive wife told her husband she was going on vacation with a girlfriend, but she really went with her long time wealthy lover, who gave her a beautiful $10,000 mink coat.

But she couldn’t bring it home so she figured a way. She pawned the mink coat. 

She came home and told her husband she had found a pawn ticket, which was really the pawn ticket to her mink coat; and she asked her husband to find out what had been pawned.

Her husband returned and told his wife it was a cheap watch. The next day his secretary was wearing a $10,000 mink coat.

McTavish broke the habit of a lifetime and bought two tickets for a raffle. 

One of his tickets won a £1,000 prize. 

He was asked how he felt about his big win.

“Disappointed” said  McTavish. “My other ticket didn’t win anything” 

And that’s it…and I have a new water heater and whole house water filter! These guys did a GREAT job, even if I’m now $4k poorer than I was this morning. I am pleased. I keep telling myself, it’s just money. LOL! God’s blessings will see me through.

So, until then my dear friends, …