Dragon Laffs #2024

Gonna be a shorter issue this morning.  Worked all weekend and now it’s Sunday night and I feel like crap!  I can’t wait to get this damn hip surgery done, it really hurts to stand on my feet too long.  But, I’m going to try to put something together for you guys for tomorrow. 

Another thing … I have my first Grief Group tonight and I’m a tiny bit apprehensive.  I am looking forward to it though.  I’ve been getting their daily emails and have enjoyed them.  I’ll be able to tell you guys all about it later this week.  But for now, ….

I don’t always walk the walk or even talk the talk, but if you ever need someone to drink the drink, I’m totally there for you.

I got an email today asking for $19.95 to teach me how to read maps backwards.  It turned out to be spam.

Leah D sent this to me, and it touched me deeply.  It means a lot.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.  Thanks Leah.

The line – “The world’s greatest tragedy, souls who are not remembered cannot survive.” really hit me hard.

So…Stephanie stopped by the office the other day…

In a shoe repair store in Vancouver BC: “We will heel you; we will save your sole, we will even dye for you. 

At an optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”

At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit. Stay.”

At the Electric Company: “We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don’t, YOU will be de-lighted.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

Sign on the back of a Septic Tank Truck: “Caution – this truck is full of Political Promises.”

Husband’s call: “Honey, it’s me. I don’t want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately, it did not cause any serious internal injury. However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot.”

Wife’s Response:
 “Who is Paula?”

When people bring up your past tell them Jesus dropped the charges.

“So, you were trying to sneak into Impish Dragon’s Cave.  Now, you’re going to pay.”

I just replaced my litter box with a FedX box, now when it’s full I just tape it shut and put it on my porch for someone to steal.

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines.  He’s a Singer songwriter.

Or sew it seams.

Okay, this one is also worth a …

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

Coffee is vital for survival.  Dinosaurs didn’t have coffee, and look how that turned out.

That has to be it for today my friends.  Love and happiness to you all.

 

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Dragon Laffs #2023

It’s Saturday.  And while you guys are reading this, I’m teaching a class in the morning and then running an exercise in the afternoon.  It should be a fun weekend.

Friggin’ Pete sends us a special message:

Life is so unfair. I lost my car keys at the park and never found them. I lost my sunglasses at the beach and never found them. I lost my socks in the washing machine and never found them. I lost three pounds on a diet — I found them and ten more!

Saw a pack of gummy worms that read “No artificial flavor.”  Who buys gummy worms hoping they’d taste as close to real worms as possible.

You have to REALLY be drunk…WAY TOO DRUNK!

On HGTV, people can flip a whole house in a month.  Meanwhile, I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for a week now.

Some relationships last a lifetime.

Husband to wife:  I hear you’ve been telling everyone that I’m an idiot.  

Wife:  Sorry, I didn’t know it was a secret.

My emotional support animal is a chicken.
A four piece.
With a biscuit.

Knowing my luck, I’ll be reincarnated as me again.

Did I tell you that I have mermaid in my family tree?  This is my cousin Linda.

Your 30s can teach you a lot.  Like I never knew you could sneeze so hard you can throw your neck and elbow out at the same time.

I’m not sure I learned that one until my 50s.

Raise your hand if you remember this cartoon…

As I was getting into bed, she said, “You’re drunk!” 

I said, “How do you know?”

She said, “You live next door.”

And because I got a wild hair and needed to create this for a guy I know at work, to rub it in because he thinks tankers and boomers are all that and a bag of chips, here’s mine…

I told him that without Weapons Troops, the Air Force would be just another unscheduled Air Lines.

Perfectly and completely understandable in all ways.

I don’t usually brag about going to expensive places, but I just left the gas station.

If you eat well…
And get lots of sleep…
And do exercise…
And drink lots of water…

…You’ll die anyway!

Open the damn wine…

You can expect me to either work well with others or pass a drug test…but not both.

If you don’t know the very sad story of Gilda Radner (and Gene Wilder) I HIGHLY encourage you to do a little research and find out. And with that I have to call  it a night.  I have to work this weekend and there may or may not be an issue on Monday.

Love and Happiness to you all.

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Dragon Laffs #2022

I was listening to the radio and I heard that Finland’s 34 year-old Prime Minister has proposed a 4 day work week with a 6 hour work day.  Can you imagine?  A 24 hour work week.  Wow.  I’d love a 24 hour UTA weekend sometimes!  I couldn’t imagine if that was an actual work week.

Anyway, Part I of Lord of the Rings Day was a huge success.  We watched all three of the Hobbit movies.  Started at about noon and finished at about nine-thirty at night.  Izzy Dragon really got into it and actually cried when Smaug died.  I’ll admit, it was such a sad part of the movie, I may have shed a tear or two myself.  NOT this Sunday, because I’m working this weekend, but possibly next Sunday since I’m only working Saturday of THAT weekend, we will attempt the actual Ring Trilogy.  The three extended version movies are a total of twelve hours and six minutes long, which means with pee breaks and food breaks and such, it may take us up to fourteen hours to watch.  So, in order to make it through in one day, we’ll have to start around eight in the morning… which we ALL KNOW is NEVER going to happen.  There is no way in Middle Earth that I’m going to get that baby dragon of mine up and doing anything useful at that time of the morning.  So, we either split it between two days OR we do it on a day where we don’t have to get have to get up the next day.  We’ll see.

Anyway, let’s get some laughter started and see where this issue takes us, shall we?

Things I have in common with Victoria’s Secret models:

1.  I’m always hungry

If I’m ever murdered, feel comfort in knowing that I ran my mouth until the bitter end.

“Gee, thanks mom.”

You do realize that the reason so many cool Halloween costumes are showing up right now is because that is what is in my emails right now and that is because that is where I am in my emails right now and that is because that’s how friggin’ FAR BEHIND IN MY EMAILS I AM RIGHT NOW!!!

I have, right now, 478 unread emails. Four hundred, seventy-eight! Before I started writing today, there were over five hundred. Yeah…I’m just a little bit behind.

“SURPRISE!  Oh shit, you found me.  Okay, now its your turn to hide and I’ll count…one…two…three…four…”

You know it, I know it, she knows it, and even deep down, he probably knows it as well.

Halloween till now isn’t THAT bad … is it?

Whadda ya say we start out with this one from Friggin’ Pete…

Friggin Pete

5 days ago

Dragon Laffs #2019

What’s even worse about the “open box before eating pizza” is that it is printed on the flap that tucks inside the outside bottom flap so, you have to open the box to see that it tells you to open the box….SMFH!!!

Okay, I’ll go you one better … how about this picture:

Do we really require a sign that advises people not to put toys from a machine up their asses? 
Oh? 
Is the machine for those toys somewhere else? 
Did I come to the wrong machine? 
My mistake. 
Terribly sorry. 
I’ll find the correct, toy shoving up my ass machine someplace else!! 
Dear God!  Is this really required in today’s society?!?!  And you know it’s probably the result of a lawsuit or something.  Somebody had their Emergency Room bills paid for by this company because THERE WAS NO WARNING LABEL ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE MACHINE.

Oh, the agony!!

reijo

3 days ago

Dragon Laffs #2020

Impish: Glad to hear you are doing better.
reijo

Hank

3 days ago

Dragon Laffs #2020

Eye have the addiction….to Dragon stuff. Better than stuff doc gave me to undepress me.

Thanks fellas, that means a lot!

Marsha Mastrangelo

2 days ago

Dragon Laffs #2020

I recently had a friend give me an Ancestry DNA test as a gift. My mother died when I was 10 and there is no one left to ask questions….but you just told me I’m part dragon! I fit all those you have listed!

Marsha, that means we are related!!!

We have the GREATEST putt putt golf course

Look for it, you’ll see it.

So now, dear Stephanie is sending me these things…

I know what you are, and I’m sure some of you out there know what you are as well.  For the rest of you, I’ll give you a couple of memes or cartoons and then tell you.  Time enough to think about it.

Not here yet…  we’ll give you a few more minutes

Bacon is 73% fat, and very salty. 

Me too, bacon, meeee, too.

Okay, so, this time, we’ll do it right.  The answer is ….

Neutering your pets makes them less nuts.

Once again, look for it, you’ll see it.

The other day, at a thrift store, I bought an old record album called, “Sounds Wasps Make”.  When I got it home and played it, I said to myself, “This doesn’t sound anything like wasp sounds.” Then I realized, I was playing the Bee side.

It’s been much easier on us dragons ever since…the skies have been much less crowded.

Been a while since I’ve done these because it’s been a while since I’ve had any of these…

So…

If shutting down Russia’s Pipeline is supposed to cripple their Economy

Why then did we shut ours down??

Your TRIGGERS are your friggin’ responsibility!!  It isn’t the world’s obligation to tiptoe around your cupcake ass!

“If the TRUTH makes you uncomfortable, don’t blame the TRUTH… 

blame the LIE, that made you comfortable.”

Need to have that one framed and put over my desk.

That one is pretty neat…I had no idea.

Whenever someone says they did something “like a boss”, I assume that means they didn’t really do anything at all and are just taking the credit for it.

And that my friends is that for today.  I hope you all had as much fun as I did.  May your days be filled with love and happiness with the ones you are closest to.  Hug them and take the opportunity to tell them what they mean to you.  Until we meet again.

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Dragon Laffs #2021

So, it’s Friday, you haven’t even read Saturday’s issue yet and I’m starting on Monday’s.  Now, mind you, it’s LATE on Friday night, but Izzy and I have got plans for Sunday, so this issue must be done no later than Saturday or you guys don’t get an issue on Monday. 

See, Sunday is Mother’s Day and both Izzy Dragon and I DO NOT want to be overly burdened with reminders of that, therefore, we will be doing a … 

I have recently found out that my little dragon has never seen any of the Lord of the Ring movies nor read any of the books.  So, Sunday I am going to drown her in it.  It should be lots of fun.

Anyway, let’s get some laughter started and we’ll do some talking as we go along.

One minute you’re 21, staying up all night drinking beer, eating pizza and doing sketchy stuff just for fun. 

THEN… in a blink of an eye you’re 60, drinking water, eating kale, and you can’t do any sketchy stuff, because you pulled a muscle putting on your socks.

Onion rings are vegetable donuts.

If a cookie falls on the floor and you pick it up … that’s a squat, right?

Sometimes actions shots are the best.

You know you’re getting older when a recliner and a heating pad is your idea of a hot date.

My wife asked me why I spoke so softly in the house.  I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening in!  
She laughed.
I laughed.
Alexa laughed.
Siri laughed.

John is having a bad day.

He tried to button his shirt and the button fell off. 

He picked up his briefcase and the handle fell off.

He went to open the door and the doorknob fell off.

Now he’s afraid to pee.

“I’m off to work.  See you this evening when I get home!”

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

I got a call from a telemarketer and he said he couldn’t understand me.  I told him to press 1 for English.

I’m not much on seizing the day.  I just kinda poke it with a stick.

If you want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with, “I shouldn’t be telling you this…”

Okay, so not much to write about in between the humor, but I did get it done in time for Izzy Dragon and mine’s movie marathon.  May your weekend be as good as mine hopes to be.  Love and happiness to you and yours.

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Dragon Laffs #2020

Okay, so I’ve been starting this off lately with things that have been going wrong.  And I’d like to change that.  As you know, last week I spent Thursday evening in the Emergency Room.  That was one week ago today (as I’m writing this, not as you guys are reading this) and some significant things have taken place since then. 

First of all, I stopped taking the antidepressants cold turkey … You can’t do that Impish!  Well, I did.  My doctor said that I could try a different one and I said no. 

Secondly, I am forcing myself to eat regular, or at least semi-regular meals.  The problem is, that I really just don’t give a shit about eating.  I’m continuing to lose weight, probably too much weight too fast and it might be hurting me.  So, I’ve decided to try to eat better, if not well.   

Thirdly, I got a VERY special comment from Marsha that, before you go looking for it, was so special and so personal, I didn’t approve (did you guys know that I have to approve every comment?) and deleted and answered her in an email and rambled on quite a while, that really touched me quite deeply.

Fourthly, on Wednesday I had one of the best conversations with my counselor/therapist that I’ve had.  I left feeling better about things than I have felt since my dearest passed.  My heart was lifted, at least a little bit and consequently, Wednesday night, when I slept, I actually dreamed, for the first time since.  I dreamed and remembered that I dreamed, which means I attained REM sleep, which means I actually GOT REST!  A true accomplishment. 

Which means lastly, I am actually feeling better today, Thursday, then I have felt since … well … in a really long, long time.  I have no worries about Mrs. Dragon’s health and medical bills (more about that in a second) and well, my (somewhat) positive attitude is starting to return and I feel pretty good today.  More clear headed and stuff than I felt in a long time. 

Now, Izzy Dragon and I were at the hospital the other day getting her some routine lab work done and I stopped in at the financial office and asked about remaining bills for Mrs. Dragon since I haven’t received the spectacular medical bill for her ICU stay yet and I was told that there is still a $34,000 bill out there waiting at my insurance company to be paid.  And I know what the hold up is, the short story is they are idiots and there is no need to go into a longer explanation because you wouldn’t believe it other than the fact that they’re an insurance company so you WOULD believe it, so even if my part is just 10%, which you know will be MORE than that … well … let’s just say that me and the hospital are going to have to come to some sort of an understanding.  Plus my hip surgery is next month, so you know there will be co-pays with that … BUT, I’m going to stick by the same guns I always stuck by (and now I’m going to cry), God has ALWAYS made sure that WE had a way through, one way or another.  And even though I still don’t know WHY he took my Mary from me, I know that He only wants what’s best for me.  Like any Father would for His child.  Just like I KNOW He is not going to have a way forward for me now. 

So, much better times and spirits today, so why don’t we celebrate with some laughter and bring a little of that joy and splendor into other people’s lives?  And thanks, Marsha.

I’ve convinced the youngster at work the very same thing.

Let me tell you something…

People think that cloning is easy, but bringing back that furry, extinct elephant would be a mammoth project.

I ordered a hot fudge sundae one time at DQ and said I wanted extra hot fudge and the guy said it only came in one temperature.

I love when someone takes an every day product and does an outstandingly out-of-bounds review!  If you think this one was good, stay tuned for a few more that are coming up!

Oh, and you can thank Dearest Stephanie for sending these in!

A Sunday School teacher asked the children, “Who was upset that the younger brother had returned?” 

One of the children answered, “The fattened calf.”

When you and your bros all still have their work clothes on and stop at the bar on the way home from work.

If alcohol can cause damage to short term memory…

imagine the damage alcohol can do.

Please don’t ride with me if you’re going to grab the dash or scream every time we run off the road.  It makes me nervous.

Not that I had any doubt in MY mind…

…but the poster does make it easier to point out to other people.

And the girls still dressed in their work clothes at the bar…

And the ambulance only took 15 minutes to arrive.

I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you. 

I just had a really tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine…

I’m not saying I don’t like you…

…I’m saying I would unplug your life support to make a pot of coffee

I came from a generation where “Keep Talking” meant you better shut up!

Yup, I know we just did one, but it was a different list.

What did E.T.’s mother say to him when he got home?

“Where on Earth have you been?!”

This one is from Jonathon and it’s called Understanding Father…

A young co-ed in her sophomore year of college was sitting in the library, recapping her sex life to her friends over text.

She wrote out a long text explaining her escapades–how she met this guy and went over to his place at 3 am, how they hooked up, etc. And then pressed send – only to look down and realize she had sent it to her mom instead of her friend, Monica (Mom and Monica are dangerously close together in her phone book, apparently).

She immediately sent her mother a text, telling her not to read it, but it was too late. She already had. She obviously went straight to her dad to tell him what I was up to at college and how horrified she was.

His answer: ‘She’s just young!’

Always!

And that my dear friends brings us to the close of another issue.  Too soon done.  Much love and happiness to you all until we meet again.

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