Dragon Laffs

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So, today is July 4th. I took a lady friend to see the new Washington movie. It was VERY good. Highly recommended. It is now 1800 and I’m in for the night. So far I haven’t heard of anything stupid going on anywhere, so maybe we’re going to get through this. We’ll see.

After getting home from the movie I took my friend home and mowed the lawn. The sky is beginning to cloud over and looking like a storm. It should clear over by 9 or so. We’ll see. I’m worn out. So, let’s go ahead and

Now, I don’t particularly like this guy, but here it is…

Remember back to how immature you were at 20, 21 and even 25 and 29? Two and three years out of high school, maybe a couple years into collage, still doing stupid shit and sowing wild oats. Here at that age, these people were planning and carrying out a rebellion, a revolution, a war against the greatest, most powerful empire of the world. They were planning, writing and creating a new country, a new government a new way of life for the people who would follow them into that dream. Incredible men, incredible minds, incredible actions, incredible sacrifices. And they didn’t do for themselves, for their own freedom because, they knew that they would probably not live through it. They did it for us, you and me, and the people who would come behind them to live in the freedoms that they dreamed of.  We owe them so much more than a few colorful explosions can pay!

I tried to give my wife bridge lessons last week, but she just wouldn’t jump!

Well, it’s now the 5th of July and other than stupid stupidity, I can’t see where anything major happened across these United States. I mean, I’m sure the requisite number of fingers have been blown off and drunks put in jail but there was also the Brooklyn Bridge set on fire due to fireworks and hundreds of masked nationalists marching on Washington, but that’s normal stupidity. So…hurrah for us! My spidey sense must be off…and that’s a good thing.

Maryland Laws

Every person who has bowled since 1833 may be fined $2  for each offense. 

Morris was having a good time in Tel Aviv and was invited to a party. Unfortunately, during the evening, he lost his wallet. 

So Morris, not being of the shy kind, stood on a chair and shouted, “Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I’ve just lost my wallet with over $1,500 in cash in it. To the person that finds my wallet, I will give $150.” 

A voice from the back of the hall shouted, “I will give $175!”

This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. 

She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown. 

Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. 

Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. 

Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. 

Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. 

But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. 

The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. 

She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. 

She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. 

She speaks to the other bum and says, “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!” 

The bum replies, “Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?” 

There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in the Isle of Man. 

The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. 

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. 

She didn’t know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.

The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. 
Again, she didn’t know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. 

The lady got what she wanted.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. 

Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store…

(Please scroll page down.)

What were you thinking?

Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!

It was a quiet Tuesday evening, or at least it was until my wife slammed her book shut on the couch, looked across the living room at me, and sighed heavily.

“We need to talk,” she said, her voice dripping with exhaustion. “I’m staging an intervention. You have got to stop being so incredibly pedantic all the time. It is completely exhausting for me, it’s exhausting for our families, and frankly, it’s ruining your social life. If you don’t learn to just let things go and stop constantly correcting people, you are going to end up with less and less friends.”

I sat there in silence for a moment, letting the weight of her words hang in the air. I looked at her tired expression, genuinely processing the gravity of what she was saying about our marriage and my relationships. I took a deep, contemplative breath, leaned forward, and looked her straight in the eye.

“Don’t you mean fewer and fewer?”

Or this might be more appropriate …

This is a Lutheran Church group at a Gay Pride Parade. I don’t care which Lutheran Church, because holding a sign like that makes them not a true church. Why do I say that? Because God does ask us to change. In fact, He TELLS us to change. Several times.

How many times is the word “repent” used in the Bible? In the Old Testament? In the New? I have no idea, but a lot! What does the word repent mean? Literally? “A complete change of mind and heart that results in a new direction.”

God would never ask us to change? No, God is commanding us to change! He is begging us to change. Because if we don’t change, we are marching straight on that wide path that leads us straight to hell. And no, before we go down that path, God doesn’t send anyone to hell. We are all destined for hell because we are all sinners. God is inviting us, begging us, to join Him in Heaven. He even sent His only Son to die for us to make it possible. And all you have to do is believe and repent. Satan is the one who says we don’t have to change. Satan is the one who tells us that God would never want us to change. So who is it that is whispering in these Lutheran’s ears? It is certainly not the Holy Spirit! These are NOT Christians. Jesus told me

“If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the while world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?”

What did these Lutherans give in return for their souls? That’s between them and God I suppose. I hope and pray they repent (change their mind and heart) soon, before it’s too late.

How many times did Jesus tell us that unless we repent (change), we will perish? (End up in hell) Luke 13:3 comes immediately to mind. A LOT! Open up your Bible apps and do a search.

Now, here’s the part that bothers me. (You mean you haven’t been bothered up to now?) The part that really bothers me is that these people are representing themselves as Christians and you get someone who is searching for the Truth and sees them, carrying their ignorant signs and they get the completely wrong idea about things and Satan leads another one astray. It is up to the rest of us to preach the Word loud and clear that this is WRONG! This is NOT Christian. In fact, it is the opposite. It is Satanic influence drawing away from God’s Grace. It is up to us to follow Jesus’ admonition to his disciples in Matthew 28:16-20 (also known as the Great Commission) when He told them to take His teaching to the whole world.

“All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

That applies to us, too! I am a disciple of Christ. That’s my job. It’s your job also, if you are a disciple of Christ. So, it’s up to us to stop these wolves in sheep clothing that are out there among us. We need to be the sheep dogs.

Woof! Let’s go!

So, this turned out to be a short essay rather than a rant. I’m going to leave it in here because it’s … well … it’s a sample of my writing if nothing else for you guys. I’m going to copy it out of here and maybe do something with it. We’ll see. It’s too short to really do anything significant with, but too long for a simple rant. But, I hope you enjoyed it.

Until next time.

Hot! Really Hot! Like a bunch of the rest of you. Temperatures of 94 or 95 and feels like 105. We get warnings at work. “We are under condition black. 25%. For instance, that means that for every 15 minutes of work, you should rest for 45 minutes. Be sure to drink at least 2 quarts of water every hour.” I had to tell one of the young airman, “You have an office job in the air conditioning, this doesn’t apply to you!”

They have really broken my Air Force.

And…. I just got a message on my phone that said they have extended the extreme heat warning another 24 hours. Just great.

So many horrible things going on right now. Weighing heavy on my mind. Parents leaving kids in hot cars and the kids dying. Parents leaving kids home alone while they go to work…Man, I know it’s hard on single parents and finding childcare can be really tough, but you can’t leave young kids home alone. You just can’t.

Indiana, my home state, has made it illegal to “camp” on public property. So, what then are the homeless people supposed to do? There aren’t enough homeless shelters, especially around where I live. Now, we don’t have a HUGE homeless population near where I live, but there are some and most of them “camp” in the same general area and people bring them “stuff”. The community has been asking for a homeless shelter for a long time, but … especially now … they are more interested in putting in a data center … against overwhelming push back … than they are anything else. The only way a homeless shelter will be put up is if we get a private donor interested. Then you would need volunteers, counselors, medical people, etc. And therein lies the problem in our little community. Which is why it would require the city or county to take it on and they won’t. So instead, they make homelessness illegal and put people in jail and take away their freedom. “But at least then they’re being taken care of!” For what? Ten days for a first offense. Then 30 days … then …?

Just another rant. I don’t know what the answer is. I guess all I’m doing is pointing out problems. Why not just leave them alone? At least here. They’re doing okay for now.

So much more on my mind.

Requiring to scan your ID to use your phone and your computer…YOUR phone and YOUR computer. It’s coming folks. They’re voting on it now. If the politicians vote against it then they are voting against “protecting kids on line” and if they vote for it then they are voting for “giving your ID to the tech companies” so they are damned if they do and damned if they don’t. So consequently a good portion of them are obstaining from voting.

Chickens.

There’s gotta be a better way to protect our kids.

Oh yeah!

How about parenting!

Why do we have to rely on the state to do the job that the parents are supposed to be doing?

Okay, now my ranting is over with… so …

Okay, these next three go together. Weirdly…

Lucky? LUCKY!? I’d say she was cursed! I’d find out what ship she was on and stay the heck away! And nobody thought to tell her to stay off the water!?

Louisiana Law

It illegal for a woman to drive a car unless her husband is waving a flag in front of it.

Yeah! Brilliant Idea! Never, ever, ever, NEVER, buy, rent, lease or get in a Chinese vehicle. Just had a special briefing on them at work. These things are set up to spy on us. Download all the information from your phone, hook up to wi-fi as it passes and drives down the street, specifically as it nears military installations, all KINDS of insidious stuff. They are not being sold or allowed in the United States, but what is happening, is they are allowed in Mexico and people are renting them and then crossing the border into Texas and driving them near military installations. They are not supposed to be let across, but some are getting through.

An Irishman arrived at Heathrow Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. 

An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

“No,” replied the Irishman. “I’ve lost all me luggage!” 

“How’d that happen?”

“The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.

As dessert was served to the visiting pastor, the hostess apologized for not having any cheese to go with the apple pie. 

Hearing this, her little son slipped down from his chair and left the room, then returned with a small piece of cheese which he shyly placed on the pastor’s plate. 

“Why, thank you, son,” said the guest as he popped the cheese in his mouth, “You must have found the last piece! Where did you find it?” 

Flushing with pride, the little boy said, “Oh, it was in the mousetrap.” 

Okay, we all saw it coming, but it was still funny.

Click HERE

During check-in at airport for a non-stop long-haul flight, the airline staff was very apologetic to the husband and said: “I am sorry sir, the flight is really full today. We couldn’t allot you and your wife adjacent seats. Your seat number is 14A and madam’s is 42H.”

Husband: “Oh, thanks! Do I have to pay anything extra to you for this favor?”

Staff: “No sir, madam has already paid!”

Not to mention cleaning under your nails with that 9mm is a bit problematic.

The wife asked where a good place to go for a week might be.

I suggested Kitchen Island

That’s when everything went black.

Tricks restaurant servers use to get their tables laughing and keep the mood light.  These fall into the classification of Dad Jokes

When the restaurant is short-staffed

I apologize; we are a bit short-staffed this evening but I am trying to get taller.

When saying farewell

Hey everyone, if you enjoyed everything, please remember my name is Alex, and if you didn’t my name is Mike!

When someone can’t finish their meal

Me: you wanna box for that?

Them: yes, please

Me: *strikes old-timey boxing pose

When the timing is bad

If you walk up as their mouths are full, I say ‘sorry they train us to do that’

When the receipt is really long

My favorite bit is if they end up with a really long receipt I’ll tell them ‘And you also get a free scarf’

When the server wants a drink

When they put in drinks, I’d say ‘alright so 4 whatever’s for y’all and a margarita for me, I’ll be right back with those’

When they’re poring over the menu

My tables used to love when I’d pull up a seat, sit down with them and discuss the menu as if I were a late arriving guest.

When the plate is hot

This plate is super hot, be careful.  This one, not as hot, but she has a great personality.

When people haven’t dined there before

Ask if people have dined with us before, if they haven’t, I answer with ‘well I’d love to tell you about how we do things here; you tell me what you want to drink and eat off this list of food, and then I bring it to you, and you pay me’

When someone spills their drink

When someone spills their drink, I give them a replacement or their next round in a sippy cup. If it’s a beer, I saran wrap the top and put a straw in it like a sippy cup. Kills every time.

A fun intro

I’m sure you’re all wondering why I’ve gathered you here today

When someone’s looking for the bathroom

I don’t know, I’ve been looking for it for years

Best Kitten Videos On The Internet

And that is it my friends. Getting a little further ahead every day.

Tomorrow is the 4th and we are all praying for a nice happy, carefree day. You guys be safe out there…but by the time you read this, it will all be over. So, instead, until next time, may God Bless you and keep you and smile His face upon you until we are together again. Love and Happiness to you all.

Two-hundred and fifty years! Unbelievable. Many of us were here fifty years ago for the two-hundredth birthday. At that time I couldn’t imagine being here for the two-fiftieth.

I’m writing this from the view of the Sunday before and I can’t help but think that somebody, somewhere is going to try to do something stupid on Saturday. They are going to try to blow something up, shoot something up, fly a plane into something, or some other asinine thing.

And why not? We are the great Satan Afterall, right? We are the ones that are ruining the world. Well, if that’s the truth, then why is everyone trying to move here?!

Okay … Okay … I’m starting to rant. That’s not what I wanted to do … what I wanted to do was say:

It’s truly an amazing feat! There will be laffs. But there will be celebration. So, let’s get started, shall we?

Interesting Trivia from Aussie Pete:

Centuries ago, before modern lighting, walking through the narrow streets of Venice at night was a nightmare. The city had to solve two enormous daily problems: safety and cleanliness.

How they solved the situation with pure logic:

The anti-ambush design: The sharp corners of the buildings created perfect blind spots where criminals and attackers could hide. The solution? They rounded off the corners at the base of the buildings by inserting huge, rounded stone blocks, physically eliminating hiding spaces and making ambushes much more difficult.

The “anti-rude” system: The narrow, dark alleys too often became open-air urinals. To combat this degradation, stones with a specific slope were installed at the base of some critical corners.

The trick? The angle of the stone caused the water to bounce right off the shoes and pants of those using it as a bathroom. A brutal but foolproof method of enforcing urban discipline.

What today look like old, time-worn blocks of stone to tourists are actually masterpieces of preventative urban planning. They made Venice safer, cleaner, and decidedly more difficult to vandalize, centuries before the invention of security cameras.

This one is from brother Joe!

10 Commandments of marriage:

Perhaps a bit misogynistic but it is what it is. 

Picture a seasoned, silver-haired husband of forty years sitting in a comfortable leather chair, a cup of coffee in hand, delivering his personal “Ten Commandments of Matrimony” to a room full of nervous, soon-to-be grooms at a bachelor party.

“We all know the old saying that marriages are made in heaven,” he began with a knowing, gentle wink. “But let me tell you, so are thunder and lightning. That’s Commandment Number One right there.” He chuckled, taking a slow sip of his coffee. “Now, if you ever want your spouse to truly listen and pay strict attention to every single word you say, just talk in your sleep. That’s the secret to getting heard, or Commandment Number Two.”

“Number Three is a matter of simple financial math,” he continued, leaning back. “Marriage is grand, but divorce? Divorce is at least a hundred grand. Keep that in mind the next time you’re arguing over who forgot to pay the electric bill.” He paused, his tone turning a bit more theatrical. “Commandment Number Four is all about the evolution of volume in the house. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. And in the third year? They both speak, and the neighbors listen.”

The room erupted in laughter, and he held up a hand to quiet them down. “Moving on to Number Five. When you see a man politely open the car door for his wife, you can be absolutely sure of one thing: either the car is brand new, or the wife is.” He smiled, his expression turning a bit more thoughtful. “Commandment Number Six is really the core of it all. Marriage is when a man and a woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.”

“Now, pay close attention to Number Seven,” he said, pointing a finger at the young men. “Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said, analyzing every single word. After marriage? He will fall fast asleep before you even finish your sentence.”

He sighed dramatically, shaking his head. “Commandment Eight is the great male tragedy. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, deeply understanding, highly economical, and a master chef in the kitchen. But the law, unfortunately, allows only one wife.”

“And for the ladies,” he added with a roguish grin, “Commandment Number Nine is the exact same deal. Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical, and a considerate lover. But again, the law allows only one husband.” He finished his coffee and set the mug down on the table with a definitive clink. “Which brings us to the final Commandment, Number Ten. A man is completely incomplete until he marries. But after that? He is absolutely finished.”

That has got to be the scaryest thing I’ve ever read.

You wouldn’t even have to shoot all of them. Once you shoot a few of them and set the example, word will get out.

Natural Mosquito Control! Outstanding!

I definitely need that!!!

Yes, yes I have!

Thanks to Jonathon for this one … it is AWESOME!!!!

Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel; the only way to move things was by carrying or dragging. 
One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food preparation area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just WATCHING. 

Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders. They called the chief out of his cave and pointed out the unusual boulders and said then they ought to be useful in some way. 

This was the beginnings of true civilization. Wug, the chief, studied these round boulders and formed a council of ten of the wisest men in the camp to determine how best to use these unusual rocks. The council knew they were on the verge of a wonderful discovery but it eluded them. The only thing they could do is to call in all the men of the camp, have each one look over the stones, and go back to their caves and 
t-h-i-n-k about them.

This, in itself, was a daring program as no one had ever t-h-o-u-g-h-t bout anything except eating before. 

For a week the men gave up watching the women dragging food to the encampment and gathered in small groups d-i-s-c-u-s-s-i-n-g this topic. 

Another breakthrough for civilization!

At the end of the month, Gug, a smaller cave man, came up with an i-d-e-a. He discussed this with the others and the whole camp felt that this was a wonderful t-h-o-u-g-h-t. 

The men would sit on the boulders and w-a-t-c-h the women as they dragged the food to the camp. 

One big burley male found it was interesting to take a pile of small stones to his rock and throw them at the women when they became exhausted and slowed down. 

This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television and the remote control. 

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him. 

“Why do we have to learn this stuff for a medical degree?” the young man blurted out. 

“To save lives,” the professor replied before continuing the lecture. 

In a few minutes, the student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?” 

The professor stared at the student for a long time.

“Physics saves lives,” he said, “because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.” 

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

– William James Durant (1885 – 1981)

I’ve got a few more of these to play…

And that’s it my friends. I hope this was a suitable celebration for a very special day. May God Bless us and keep us, and if He sees fit protect us and keep us safe. We started out as a Christian nation, may we return to our roots and make Him proud of us. Until next time my friends.

Well, it’s still Saturday and I’m still sitting here and relaxing. And it’s still early enough for me to start Thursday’s episode, so here I am and here we are and here we go!

I love this one. And what is prayer? Prayer is a conversation that you have with your Father. Remember when you were little and you were scared or you had a problem or you had a question … you could always runny to daddy. Abba Father. Just because your an adult, doesn’t mean that stops. It might not be your earthly father any more, now it’s your Heavenly Father. You can always go to Him when you are scared or when you have a question or with a problem. Always.

And that’s it for this one my friends…until next time.

It’s Saturday morning. I’ve got my coffee, I’m not working. I’m relaxing. Laundry is in the washer and dryer. And I’ve got all my friends here with me. What could possibly be a better way to spend a Saturday morning.

So, what do you say we all sit back, grab a coffee and …

Me too!

It was “Take Your Kids to Work Day,” so I decided to bring my five-year-old daughter along to the office. She was incredibly excited all morning, packing a little notebook and asking a million questions about what I do.

The day went surprisingly well. She colored quietly during my morning meetings, handed out high-lighters to my teammates, and devoured a slice of office pizza at lunch. But as five o’clock rolled around and we started packing up our bags to leave, her bottom lip began to tremble. Within seconds, she burst into full, dramatic tears.

Right on cue, my boss walked out of her corner office to say goodbye. Seeing her sobbing, she knelt down, put on her best, most comforting “manager voice,” and asked, “Oh sweetie, what’s wrong? Did you have a bad day?”

She wiped her eyes, looked him straight in the face, and sobbed, “I was here all day and I never got to see the Clown my mommy says she works for.”

I don’t have any words other than … WHY?

That is the question!

And that’s it. Until next time my friends. Laff until your sides hurt.