Dragon Laffs #1426


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The stage is quiet and the curtains are drawn as people settle into their seats.  There are only a few minutes left before the normal start time, although nothing has been normal around here lately.  Crazy is a relative term when used with anything that has to do with DL&LL, but lately a whole new level of insanity has been reached.  Impish has been mostly gone or in captivity from one group or another.  The A.S.S.H.A.T.s had him locked up in Gitmo for a while and he escaped with the help of…well, you know it’s supposed to be classified, but let’s just say that he was rescued by a mythical creature and some cats, as well as flying mammals.
Now, he’s in a center for addiction withdrawal for a horrible pie addiction that has caused no end of drama around here.
As you are pondering these events, the speakers around the room crackle and you can hear your favorite blue dragon saying:
…and a direct line in, press this button and …

The picture resolves into Impish, sitting in a room with plain concrete walls, a small metal desk with a laptop upon it and our hero sitting behind it, turned to his left, facing the camera.  A long cigar is hanging from his mouth and what can only be described generously as a brown bowler hat is perched atop his head, slightly cockeyed due to it’s being slightly larger than fits between his horns.
He pulls the stogie from between his lips and blows a cloud of pale blue smoke towards the camera.

Good Morning Campers!000

A lot has happened lately and I’ve got a lot of news to share with you.  I’m very sorry that I can’t be there with you in person, but I’m under house arrest …. um… I mean, self-imposed withdrawal from everyone and everything while I finish these reports for my dragon Queen.

You can hear what sounds like several large old locks being opened and then the sound of a huge dungeon door swinging on very rusty hinges.  Impish looks off camera and reaches for a thick stack of papers that are handed him.  A low, guttural, gravelly voice comes from out of view:

Here be the papers the Green One sent ya.  He be says to check ‘em close like, since you’ll be havin’ ta be explainin’ dem to youse queen.  Oh, and he sent ya dis, too.

A VERY large mug of steaming coffee is passed to the dragon.

Thank you Terrance.   This is very kind of you and Lethal, but can you tell me…what’s with the weird accent?

Terrance continues, in a much smoother, more precise speech.

Oh, quite sir.  For the … audience…you know … the ones who are watching on the video.  We trolls do have a certain reputation to uphold.  People expect us to act and sound in a particular manner and it behooves us to reciprocate with their expectations.

Impish stares off camera for an additional second and then mumbles.

Uh huh…well…okay, then.  Carry on then Terrance, carry on.

Terrance replies, again using his Troll voice.

As you wishes, boss.

Shuffling of feet can be heard and the squeal of the door hinges lasts but a second, Impish turns his attention back to the camera, but is interrupted from off camera again.  Terrance in his Troll voice:

Oh, by the way, Impish … or um… boss.  I’ve gots some loverly blueberry biscuits that just be comin’ out of de oven.  Shall I… or … um… ya want sum?

Not right now Terrance, I’ve got all this work to finish, but you might hold me back a dozen or so.  For a little snack later, you understand.

As you wish, sir…or … boss.

As the door begins to close again, you can faintly hear Terrance say: Egads!  That was bloody awful!  The things I do for that fat lizard.

The door slams with a deep rumbling boom.

Now, where was I?

Oh yes, Queen Tiamat… she is going to expect my report by later this afternoon and I must be ready.

He leans toward the camera conspiratorially.

My dear friends and fellow campers.  I must tell you now, that if, for whatever reason, I am not here next week or otherwise <gulp!> detained, I want it to be known that YOU have made it all worthwhile.  These have been the best years of my life and I will remember it always…to my grave.

Now <sniff!>

Well, currently, I have got to finish these reports, so let  me show you a video that I made earlier that describes everything that has happened to me over the last week or so.  I want you to hear MY side of the Dr. Phil debacle.  Here’s a video from the hidden camera:

The screen fades out and you see:

The screen fades and opens on our blue dragon laying against the wall, throwing a tennis ball against the floor, bouncing it off the far wall and catching it again.  Then repeating this over and over again.  After several minutes of this mindlessness, the door below the camera opens and an unidentified man pokes his head in and says, “Mr. Dragon, there’s a doctor here to see you”

Another bloody doctor?  You can’t send me a damn baker in here?  A pastry chef?  Dessert girl pushing a cart?  No.  You send me ANOTHER doctor to poke and prod me and tell me that my addiction is all in my head.  And I keep telling EVERYBODY, it’s not in my head, it’s in my damn STOMACH!!!!

The attendant steps out and a bald man walks in, with a brief case.  He carefully places the briefcase across the room, with the edge facing towards Impish, while speaking, “Good evening, Mr. Dragon.  Impish.  Can I call you Impish?  Good, good, how are you Impish?”

Who are you?  You’re not one of the regular bone breakers in here.  What do you want?  To poke me with some of your instruments there in your brief case? 

Not at all, not at all.  You don’t recognize me?  Not at all?  Well, that’s discouraging, and well, this can be edited out.  Don’t worry about my briefcase, it just contains some of my notes.  That’s right notes.  How are you feeling?  That pie desire eating you up inside, is it?

Dr. Phil, whom you easily recognize on the video moves back over to the brief case and adjusts it slightly so it points more directly on end towards Impish.

Let me just ask you a few questions, shall I?  You seem to have a real problem here, yes sir.  A real problem.

I’ll say I have a problem, my problem is that I don’t like doctors and you don’t even look good enough to eat.  You look old and stringy.  Lethal says I have an addiction to pie.  I guess, well, I guess maybe I do.  I don’t mean to let it control me, but it just does.  Although after eating pie with drugs and being kidnapped by the government, I suppose I should be over it, in fact…

Yes, yes.  Lethal is that Green fellow, is that correct.  Tried to keep me out.  But, I have fans everywhere.  Yes I do.  You sure you don’t recognize me?  Maybe from TV?  Let’s talk about this hallucination of yours that you were kidnapped by government forces.  You do realize now that it was a hallucination now, right?  You know, I think the best …

Impish begins to pace.

It was NOT my imagination, why Lethal had to send (beep) and his (beep) along with Lethal’s (beep) to get me out!  Then I was taken to the (beep) where I…

Dr. Phil gets up, grabs the brief case and attempts to keep the edge pointed towards Impish as he paces back and forth.

My, my.  You certainly seem to have a vivid imagination.  I know.  I know.  Why don’t you sit down and hold still and we can sing a song together.

I don’t want to sing a damn song…

Now, sing with me.  Pie is bad.  Pie is bad.  The government men are all very good…

What the hell is wrong with you?  That’s it, baldy, old and stringy or not, you’re dragon food.

Impish lunges at Dr. Phil who tries to fend him off with his briefcase.  Just as he manages to get the doctor’s bald head in his mouth, the door bursts open and two attendants rush in.  They rush to the doctor’s aid, pushing Impish away.  Our blue dragon spits and hacks, looking like he’s going to throw up.

Oh my gawd.  You taste as bad as a movie star!

Then he spots the open door and quickly slips out while the attendants are helping Dr. Phil.

The scene switches to an outside view, where you see the blue dragon waddling down the street.  He looks behind him and sees the attendants pursuing him.  We watch as he looks around…

Ah, a sports car!  They’ll never catch me.

The scene switches again to the view from the camera mounted on the front of a vehicle, we watch as Impish Dragon, who barely fits in his “sports car” is suddenly surrounded by smoke from above and then shortly loses control and crashes into a fence.

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The last thing we see, is Impish being led away by the attendants.

The screen fades and we hear Impish’s voice over the darkened screen:

So you see, my friends.  None of this was my fault.  Now, I’ll leave you to get back to today’s issue…

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A Polish man married an American girl, and though his English wasn’t very good, they got along very well.
 
One day he rushes into a lawyer’s office and asks him to arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer says that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asks him the following questions:
“Have you any grounds?”
“Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.”
 
“No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It made of  concrete.”
 
“I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?”
“No, we have carport, and not need one.”
 
I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.
 
“Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.”
 
“Does  your wife beat you up?”
“No, I always up before her.”
 
“Why do you want this divorce?”
“She going to kill  me.”
 
“What  makes you think that??”
“I got proof.”
 
“What  kind of proof?”
“She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at  drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
 
I can read English pretty good, and it say:

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Links and Sites

Here’s a cool one, worth clicking on.  Thanks to Ginny for sending this one in.

What This former Marine Does. Unreal!!!   This young man is fantastic, watch closely, sound on/full screen.
 
Las Vegas could be in his future.  Watch Closely What He Does
 
The Hands are Truly Quicker than the Eyes !
 
I know you will enjoy it .
 

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This one is so great!  Funny as can be!

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Thanks to Paul for this one.  It’s well worth reading and heeding:

A mouse looked through a crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife opening a package; what food might it contain?

He was aghast to discover that it was a mousetrap!

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning, “There is a mouse trap in the house, there is a mouse trap in the house.”

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, “Mr. Mouse, I can tell you this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me; I cannot be bothered by it.”

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, “There is a mouse trap in the house.”

“I am so very sorry Mr. Mouse,” sympathized the pig, “but there is nothing I can do about it but pray; be assured that you are in my prayers.”

The mouse turned to the cow, who replied, “Like wow, Mr. Mouse, a mouse trap; am I in grave danger, Duh?”

So the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected to face the farmer’s mousetrap alone. That very night a sound was heard throughout the house, like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey. The farmer’s wife rushed to see what was caught.

In the darkness, she did not see that it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer’s wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital.

She returned home with a fever. Now everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup’s main ingredient.

His wife’s sickness continued so that friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.

The farmer’s wife did not get well, in fact, she died, and so many people came for her funeral the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide meat for all of them to eat.

So the next time you hear that someone is facing a problem and think that it does not concern you, remember that when the least of us is threatened, we are all at risk.

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Breaking News

Late breaking story from ESPN Sportscenter……….2/11/2015
Pete Carroll, former head coach of the Seattle Seahawks, is reported to be very near to signing on as a special consultant to The Pope in Vatican City.   The Pope looks to recruit Carroll to be a spokesman for the Catholic Church because he is the first man in history that made 100 million people jump up and yell “Jesus Christ!” at the same time. 
 
More information will be reported as this story is followed.

 

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Another one of our teachers.  What does she teach?  You’re not going to believe it… Algebra.  She has a PhD in molecular physics, but loves teaching kids math.  Who knew.

 

 

Rules of a new Golf Club:-

1. Ladies are prohibited from touching gentlemen’s balls, either with hands or clubs.

2. All holes must be kept clean.

3. Gentlemen making a hole-in-one, must change lady partners in the second round.golfer2

4. Ladies are requested to remain quiet while gentlemen are taking short strokes.

5. Partners are requested to tee off together at each tee.

6. When the lady partner goes off first, the gentleman must not delay the stroke but continue to play.

7. In cases where the lay is impossible, ladies have the privilege of choosing a new position.

8. When the gentleman finds this impossible, he may choose a new lay starting at least a ball’s length from the hole.

9. Players are requested to refrain from playing any holes under repair or with red flag in white background.

10. While the management strives to improve the course in every way, they cannot be held responsible for the loss or damage of balls in the brush or around the holes.

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A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of condoms: Olympic condoms.
Impressed, he decides to buy a pack to show his wife. After he arrives home, he proudly presents the Olympic condoms to his puzzled wife.
“Olympic condoms?” she asks him. “What makes them Olympic, exactly?”
“Well,” answers her husband, “They come in three colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze.”
“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asks with a smile.
“Gold, of course!” proclaims her husband proudly.
“Really,” ponders the wife, “Why don’t you wear Silver?”
“Why silver?” asks the husband.
Well, it would be nice if you came second for a change.

 

Ginny sends this next one with her apology; in fact, her exact words are: “Sorry for this Post.”
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Okay, I understand exactly what she means….and quite frankly, I’m really sorry for the post as well.

 

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. NORTON
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF ST. NORTON
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST, NORTON
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. NORTON
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He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
“What may we do for you, my son?”
He answers, “I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.”
“Very well, my son. Please follow me.”
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man,
“Please knock on this door.”
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs,
“Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.”
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun’s cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. NORTON

Those clever nuns.

 

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And speaking of the bitch Pelosi, I just read this today, from Jim Treacher, Blogger on the dailycaller.com :

Nancy Pelosi: Congress Is Living Paycheck To Paycheck

So you think you’ve got it bad? Try being in Congress. Those poor bastards are practically homeless.

You may not know, or care, that the deadline for continued funding of the Department of Homeland Security is tomorrow. But if something isn’t done immediately, if those miserable Republicans don’t stop being evil, small children and wheelchair-bound grandmothers at airports will be forced to humiliate themselves.

Nancy Pelosi to the rescue:

Hell, Pelosi is so down on her luck these days, she had to burn the Constitution just to keep warm. Also, because she hates it.

Wait… Didn’t Obama just get done saying we shouldn’t enforce our borders? America is all about immigration, after all, whether it’s legal or not. He’s telling ICE not to do their jobs, and Pelosi is trying to shame us into paying them anyway.

Guess that’s because they’re so much smarter than us! Never mind.

Not being able to live without our paycheck?  It wasn’t that long ago that you furloughed my ass and asked … no TOLD me to do just that.  And you want us to feel sorry for congress?  Who make at least double what the average American makes?  NONE of this would even be happening if your boss, didn’t decide to change the laws, disobey the constitution and make his own rules!

Kiss my ass you stupid witch!

 

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Classes for Men Now Available

Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each. Sign up early and get a discount on registration.

1. HOW TO FILL ICE-CUBE TRAYS. Step by step with slide presentation.

2. TOILET PAPER: DOES IT GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Roundtable discussion.

3. DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY BASKET AND THE FLOOR. Practicing with hamper. Pictures and graphics.

4. THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: DO THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES? Debate among panel of experts.

5. LOSS OF VIRILITY: LOSING THE REMOTE CONTROL TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. Help line and support groups.

6. LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING. Open forum.

7. HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH. PowerPoint presentation.

8. REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST. Real-life testimonial from the one man who did.

9. IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? Driving simulation.

10. LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE. Online class and role-playing.

11. HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

12. REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE. Bring your calendar or PDA to class.

13. GETTING OVER IT: LEARNING TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME. Individual

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As a jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

“Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth 50,000 years ago at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep.”

The blonde lady sitting next to me exclaimed: “Wow, look! It just missed the highway!”

 

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As you finish up the issue and begin to gather your things and stand up, the screen lights up one more time and you see Impish back again behind the laptop.  Now, he’s gathering his papers together and putting them in a briefcase.

Hi campers.  Just a couple more things to round out today’s issue.  I’m now on my way to see Queen Tiamat.  For those of you who don’t know, she is the ruling queen of dragonkind and has been so for as long as any of us can remember.  Dragons live a VERY long time. 

I must report to her about my ability to continue to act as the Draconian Ambassador to human and mythical kind.  Seems she is concerned about the latest fiasco with me being kidnapped and held hostage at … well … an undisclosed location, where the government A.S.S.H.A.T.s tried to get information out of me about a certain mythical personage and this persons logistical superiority.  Anyway, I certainly don’t expect to come out of this smelling like a rose, but I do hope to come out of it in one piece.  Maintaining my ambassadorship would be a huge plus and what I am truly hoping for. 

I  would expect that you might hear something on Wednesday from Lethal’s post, if not sooner.

But, on another note.  There has been real world tragedy in my family.  Last weekend, my brother-in-law was on his way to work in the snow when his truck broke down.  Since he was only about a quarter mile from home, he decided to walk home to get help.

While he was walking on the side of the road, he was struck by a car and ended up in ICU at the local hospital.  Sadly, we don’t know too many of the actual details of the accident because the last thing he remembers was walking away from his truck and then waking up in the hospital.

He has 7 broken ribs, broken bones in his back and neck (not threatening his spinal cord, thank God), a punctured lung and bleeding and swelling on his brain.  As of this writing he is out of danger, but will suffer many months of recovery.  He will also have to hire a lawyer to recover any recompense from the accident as the local sheriff’s department is being less than helpful. 

For help with lost wages, medical bills, legal fees, etc., His niece has set up a fund site for donations.  I’m not asking any of you to give anything, I know it’s tight for everybody and it seems like every time we turn around there’s another worthy cause we can give to, but I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t at least put it out there for any of you who might have a dollar or so to put towards it.  You know as well as I that every little bit helps.

Here’s the link for any of you who might be interested: http://www.gofundme.com/mxe7ko 

And with that, I’m off to face the Queen.

Cheers my friends,

Until we meet again.

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Leprechaun Laughs # 287 for Feb 25th 2015


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As you arrive things seem pretty normal, which is abnormal in itself around here of late. Despite the blustery frigidness of the outside its warm and inviting in here. True to his word the non patrons section has hot water for instant coffee, hot chocolate or oatmeal  to warm you. The patrons mean while;e appear to be enjoying a repast of hot backed good, coffee and what appear to be pre-warmed fleece lap blankets are being offered. It seems that every Patron who accepts a pre-warmed fleece also gets a complimentary Ninja lap cat, several who expertly burrow under the blankets after claiming their just due in petting and praise

The only thing appearing out of place you see is Diaman who appears to be attempting to warm her back side near a stove while staring longingly at the blankets.

Not only is she on stage at the podium with Lethal, she is dressed in a very tight white raw silk t-shirt that pretty much informs you that is all she is wearing on top. It is tucked into the top of a wide black belted mini skirt length kilt short enough that the fact she is wearing a g-string with it is frequently evident from the rear. Thigh high white nylons with lace tops and some black 3” square heeled Mary Janes complete the outfit.

 

In the patrons section Ginny seems to be slightly jealous and Paul Bader seems to be constantly tripping over his tongue much to Ginny’s annoyance. This to say nothing of the maintenance guy with the bucket and mop chasing him around to wipe up the drool.

Once your seated Lethal dives right in

OK folks set yer gobs ta simmer now will ya kindly?

As you know there was an…incident Saturday with Impish and a psychologist (the aftermath of which we’ll get into in great detail in a bit) which resulted in an enraged Impish exploding,  attempting to eat said psychologist, and temporarily making good on an escape attempt. We are now prepared to identify the trespassing/interloping psychologist as Dr. Phil.

Exactly how this bleeding heart liberal managed to gain access to the mountain much less the secure area where Impish is being held is still under investigation. Several individuals of interest are being put to the question that is questioned, but we have no clear answers as yet.

Impish managed to escape briefly only to be thwarted in fleeing the area aerially by a squadron of Knock Out & Paralysis gas spewing fighter jets.

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Being denied an escape route via air ,Impish was forced to waddle away flee slowly on foot, now slightly drowsy and uncoordinated due a whiff of the gasses from the jets, until he managed to find transportation he could hijack by over powering its occupant.

This resulted in a slow speed chase which caused some to flash back to visions of a White Ford Bronco. Unfortunately for Impish his flight from rehab was cut short a brief time later when  a Mall Cop on a Segway who had joined the low speed chase executed a bump maneuver by kicking the rear end of Impish’s escape vehicle several times causing him to crash his stolen transportation:

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Thankfully no one was injured and the damage to the vehicle has been made good via its replacement with a battery operated electric Hummer.

Impish was back in his cell in just under 2 hours from his initial attack on Dr. Phil whom I am informed by the Bideawee Sanitarium, is making excellent progress in the recovery of both his composure as well as control of his bowels. Once they complete a course of  liquefied liberal bullshit infusion via IV and re-inflate his ego with hot air he should be good to go.

At this point it was quite obvious to me that the intervention was not going as well or as swiftly as planned. I had neglected to factor into the plan that not only are Dragons thick headedly stubborn by nature, but being exceptionally long lived tend towards taking a long view of situations often winning out over an adversary simply by biding their time and waiting for an opportune moment as clearly demonstrated by his escape.

After some personal reflection upon the issue,  review of our partnership documents, corporate financial statements and discussions with the Ninja Cats about removal and disposal of large bodies, I decided that the only way this was going to works was if Impish was well and truth motivated. I needed to place a figurative gun to his head and make him chose between keeping his brains between his ears or his pies. This meant playing serious hardball on a level I was loathe to resort to, but felt I had no choice remaining other than to use, if I wanted to help Impish recover and return to a normal (a relative term in regards to him to be sure) life.

To that end, I sent off a message and received the exact reply I had expected, abet with far less of a time table than I had planned for.  I immediately went to see Impish in his confinement, something I had not done since his attempt to flame broil me and turn my bodily organs into a Dragon savory pie filling more than a week ago.

The following is a transcription of that conversation. My side of it is in green and Impish appears in his normal blue font

Lethal: Dude seriously? You were stupid enough to listen to Dr Phil? Not being able to stomach him I can understand I mean he’s like concentrated condensed mamby-pamby touchy feelie liberal bullshit. I don’t think anything can survive by eating that except maybe other liberals

Impish: Moan!  What?

Hose drawing from bottom of snow run off pond now frozen over hits Impish @ 200 psi for 30 sec from hatch in door

Lethal: Don’t give me that delirium bullshit or the next hose you see will be connected to a concrete pump truck I swear ta bloody St Patrick! I’m mentally tougher and meaner than the guy in Poe’s tale of the Still Beating Heart.

Impish: Aaaaaaaaggggghhhhhhh WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT???????!!!!!!

Lethal: You .

Tried.

To.

Eat.

Doctor.

Phil.

Some moron let him in to help you because fuck for brains thought he could make TV mileage out of secretly filming it.

Made you compose and sing some fucked up pie song…badly too.

Impish: What? When?  How?

> MORE HOSE<

Impish: Aaaaaaaaggggghhhh Damn that’s cold! That asshole was Dr.  Phil?

Lethal: Don’t give me that reality break shit! You were with it enough to try and parley it into an escape! Yes that asshole was Dr. Phil in the balding flab- who else would think song singing about your problem would actually fix you? Sure as hell would have made for some seriously Hasselhoff melt down like TV footage though!

Impish: Dude. I’m telling you, as your friend,

#1 I had no idea that little monkey was Dr. Phil and

#2 if you hose me down again I’ll be looking for Leprechaun pie next.

Lethal: Addicts have NO friends. As for the hosing, you needed both a shower & wake up call because shit just got sodden well serious. I couldn’t delay any longer- I had to file report w/ Draconian Court over abduction this morning.

Impish: If that’s what you think why are you helping me?

Lethal: Oh we WERE friends right up until you fell through the flaky crust into pie filled addiction. We might well be again if you’d unscrew your skull from your sphincter and get clean. 

As I was saying, as a result of my report to the Draconian Court, you’re being called home for consultation and a physical/metal fitness assessment. Queen T wants to make sure you’re still trustworthy enough for  government secrets. She (and I) need to be sure that you haven’t gone GITMO GONZO for Obama and the Liberals. How do you think an Ambassador w/ an easily accessed pressure point of addiction going to fly w/ Queen T much less around here as a walking talking security breach?

Impish: Oh geez!

(Puts head in hands and mumbles from under arms)

Impish: Can you hit me again with that hose?

Lethal: With bleeding pleasure!

>45 seconds of glacially cold water< There is a sliding sound  and when water stops 5 gal coffee thermos and 25# ham, cheese & egg sandwich are waiting.

Lethal: You ask for pie next and so help me that concrete hose is just 30 feet away. I’ll have a brass plaque in the shape of a pie with your name and the epitaph “He chose pie over living” stuck on the sealed tomb.

Impish: Nope. No pie. Thanks for the coffee and sandwiches.

Lethal: You have to present yourself with a complete report not later than 10 days hence.

Impish: Ten days huh?  Ok. I’ll need a lot more coffee.

Lethal: The report is to include a detailed accounting of the manner of your abduction. I have, as Leprechaunian Ambassador, flatly refused to reveal details of how you were rescued citing security concerns by our protection detail.

Impish: Makes sense.

Lethal: Unless that is you’d LIKE it known SANTA and a bunch of PUSSIES pulled your fat ass out of the fire. Personally my money is on you being sedated and in whatever passes in Draconia for a straight jacket by the time you mention the candy cane pattern enhancers for teleportation and flying reindeer with gun pods on their bellies. Also the reason[s] US government agreed to back off are by legal agreement  between all concerned parties confidential , so you can’t mention the whole ultimatum delivery deal.

So you can see how much focus the abduction will get. I’d spend some time on the shell game we played hiding you in plain sight too, since I’m sure word of that became common knowledge back home the second your stand ins returned.

Impish: I understand. Brb  (goes to corner and retches in a barrel)

Lethal: Coffee will be available upon request as will food. NO PIE or baked goods for now. As long as you are calm behaved and rational none of it will be drugged.

Impish: Understood. Can you get me a computer or word processor in here?

Lethal: You going to smash another laptop against the wall when you get refused pie if you get one to start spinning your fantasy?

Impish: No. I gotta work out the details of my abduction that will cover our ass and satisfy Queen T

Lethal: OUR asses? What’s this WE bullshit you Limey bastard? YOU let FEDs from A.S.S. in here. YOU ate untested pies.

Impish: You don’t want the ninja cats or SANTA involved so yes, our.

Lethal: Hey I already told her that section was redacted to the point of omission. Personally IDC if it gets out as its YOUR reputation & dignity, what little of it that exists, that’s on the line. Of course now I can’t speak for the cats or Santa, they might have a complaint about their reputations being dragged down by association with yours. That undoubtedly would result in a visit from Brutus so I would say it is YOU that doesn’t want their involvement publicized from where I sit.

Impish: Ok. I get it. I’m on my own

Lethal:What?! You think your addiction caused problems with your people should be MY problem, or Santa’s or the Ninja cats ?! SERIOUSLY?! WHERE’S THAT DAMNED HOSE! He’s still delirious!

Impish: Did I say that?

Lethal: Sounded like that’s what your whine meant, you expected me to voluntarily jump in the pool full of gators with you, to help shoulder responsibility for your personal choices. OH HELLS NO! I try helping you with an intervention and I almost got flamed and threatened twice now (and there better not bloody well be a third time) with being made pie filling! Friendship and intervention help does have its bloody limits!

Impish: Not at all. I got this.

Lethal: Too bloody right you do! Now…shall I send for pies?

Impish: No. More coffee- and some hot sausage sandwiches please?

Lethal: Ok I’ll get right on that, with you not eating half the kitchen staff has been screwing off anyhow. Mean time a Laptop should be here in about 5 minutes…sans Internet access- can’t have you distracted trying to order pies.

Impish: Agreed. It’s still… Difficult

Lethal: Oh almost forgot- she wants your personal income tax filing for the year as well as all the financials for ambassadorship for audit

Impish:  (groaning) Of course she does.

Lethal: Actually those were asked for in her name by The Exquencher of the Holy Hoard

Impish: Hmm. Your my lawyer, isn’t there a loophole there someplace?  Like I only answer to her?

Lethal: His review of the accounts vs. your answers and she judges. If you’re feeling particularly lucky you could wing it, but I’d say you’ve got better odds of getting the Beatles back together given they way your luck has been running recently. Need I mention the Play Offs and Super Bowl by way of illustration?

Impish: (sighing and shuddering) I see. No please don’t I’d like to forget that.

Lethal: Are The ambassadorial books and your personal taxes in need of my creative accounting expertise? I will assist w/ those PROVIDED the irregularity issues are not addiction related

Impish: That would be great. Thank you.

Lethal: Happy to be of billable service. I’ll get your food request to the kitchen immediately and get started right away on those financials. Mean time I’ll have Terrance set up a temporary office out here in the hall so he can assist you. Undoubtedly you’ll want to dictate more of your memoirs?

Impish: Uhh…yeah that would be great. Thank you.

Further developments will no doubt forth coming from one or the other of us as the occur. For now… [you hear Lethal murmur something to Diaman about Wednesdays being poultry day and suddenly she jumps forward slightly, squeals, then blushes as she swats indignantly at a chuckling Lethal and mouths ‘I said later for that- not here! then moves towards the podium]…my guest helper will intone the sacred words of remembrance to get this issue rolling, and IF she knows what will be good for her later on they won’t be “Live from New York it’s Saturday Night!”

Diaman takes a deep breath made all that much more impressive by the clinginess of the tight  t-shirt and says-

Opening Logo 8

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Today's Forecast6

 

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I hear there are more than a few of these in Connecticut and New Jersey too

Here- these should help Diaman!

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I feel ya dude! I usually have to put my phone down and pinky type to avoid typos in serious text messages or use the dictate function. I even went as far as buying a roll up Bluetooth keyboard for my tablet.

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OUCH! Sorry Impish! Who knew Diaman could drive a bus?

 

Thanks for the video and this next feature too goes to my special guest helper Diaman (now sporting an ankle length fur coat with the fur turned inside and a naughty smile of pleasure)

Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:

1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor,
You may be a Muslim.
2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes,
You may be a Muslim.
3. If you have more wives than teeth,
You may be a Muslim.
4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean,
You may be a Muslim.
5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim.
6. If you can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared jihad against,
You may be a Muslim.
7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing,
You may be a Muslim.
8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs,
You may be a Muslim.
9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four,
You may be a Muslim.
10. If you find this offensive and don’t forward it,
You may be a Muslim.

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A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”
The older doctor says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit.  Cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”
As they left, the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman? How did you come to the diagnosis so quickly?”
You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? Well, when I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick.”
The younger doctor said, “Pretty clever! If you don’t mind, I think I’ll try that at the next house.”
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.  She said that she just didn’t have the energy she once did and said, “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”
“You’ve probably been doing too much for the Church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”
As they left, the older doctor said, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she’s very active in the church but how did you arrive at it?”
“I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed.

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stickers-fucking-consumers

Put a stop to pesky robocalls

Author: Amy Davis, KPRC Investigative Reporter/Consumer Expert

HOUSTON – Federal laws ban companies from using autodialers to call your cellphone, they’re called robocalls, but scammers still do it.

Consumers Union, an arm of Consumer Reports, wants phone companies to give people free tools to block those annoying calls.

They said technology already exists to identify telemarketers as they’re calling you. You could then see on the display that it is an unsolicited call, and you could choose to block or ignore it. Phone companies in other countries have similar practices for their customers but companies in the U.S. say they can’t.

[What they really mean is they won’t because it will cost them money to deploy and money again in the robocalls they lose out on as a result of deploying the tech as well as charging you for the wasted cell minutes!]

If you like the idea, you can sign this online petition.

https://consumersunion.org/end-robocalls/

There are currently more than 93,000 signatures. Consumers Union will send the petition to the FCC to try and get it to make phone companies put an end to robocalls on your cellphone.

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Dang! Not only can Diaman drive a bus but she can back one up pretty good too!

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat 
and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman 
sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started 
talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart.
It's Sue. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, 
but I had a long meeting".

"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. 
It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned 
over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone 
and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

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cooking

Pantry-Raid Recipes

No you dirty minded sex fiends! Not PANTYPANTRY- as in the place you store your staple food stuffs! Sheesh!

No time to run to the store? These flavor-packed dishes are made using only nonperishable pantry ingredients.

Applesauce Waffles

imageThese Belgian-style waffles are crispy on the outside, but the applesauce keeps them moist and almost muffin-like on the inside. Even better, you can make them when you are out of milk and eggs.

Total Time: 25 min
Prep: 5 min
Inactive: 5 min
Cook: 15 min
Yield: 8 waffles
Level: Easy

Ingredients

2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
3/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
1 1/2 cups evaporated milk
1/2 cup applesauce
1/3 cup brown sugar
3 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 teaspoon vanilla
Powdered sugar, ground cinnamon and maple syrup, for serving

Directions

Special equipment: a Belgian waffle iron
Preheat the waffle iron. Preheat the oven to 200 degrees F if you plan on holding the cooked waffles in the oven. Whisk the flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt together in a medium bowl.
Whisk the evaporated milk, applesauce, brown sugar, oil, vanilla and 3/4 cup water in a large bowl.
Fold the dry ingredients into the wet, and stir until combined. (Don’t mix too much-some lumps are OK-just make sure the flour is coated.) Allow the batter to rest at room temperature for 5 minutes before baking.
Ladle enough batter into the waffle iron to fill it to the edges, and cook until crispy and brown, 6 to 7 minutes. (You can tell the waffles are ready when very little steam comes out of the waffle iron.) Continue in batches until all the batter is used. Keep the cooked waffles warm in the oven or covered with foil on a plate while you make the remaining waffles. Sprinkle with powdered sugar and cinnamon, and serve with maple syrup.

You know the whole chicken on a waffle deal? I’m considering trying these waffles with pork on top!

I’m going to give Ginny’s knees a break and not even talk about the desert possibilities of these waffles.

Quick and Easy Minestrone

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Soy sauce is great for more than just Asian-inspired dishes. In this hearty pantry-based soup it adds instant depth and the savory flavor called umami, which is associated with foods like Parmesan cheese and mushrooms.

Total Time: 25 min
Prep: 5 min | Cook: 20 min
Yield: 4 servings
Level: Easy

Ingredients

1 tablespoon olive oil, plus more for serving
One 8-ounce can corn kernels, strained
2 tablespoons tomato paste
1/2 teaspoon dried rosemary, chopped
1/4 teaspoon dried oregano
1 quart chicken broth
One 14-ounce can diced tomatoes
3/4 cup small-cut pasta, like small shells
One 14-ounce can white beans, strained, reserving half the liquid
1 teaspoon soy sauce
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
One 14-ounce can cut green beans, strained

Directions

Heat the oil in a medium soup pot over medium-high heat. Add the corn and cook until it starts to brown slightly, about 3 minutes. Add the tomato paste, rosemary and oregano and cook, stirring constantly, until the tomato paste begins to darken in color, about 1 minute. Slowly whisk in the chicken broth until the paste is smooth and then incorporated into the liquid. Add the whole can of diced tomatoes (including the liquid), and bring the mixture to a boil. Stir in the pasta, the white beans and reserved liquid and the soy sauce. Season with salt and pepper. Cook the pasta until al dente, 7 to 8 minutes, stirring in the green beans during the last 2 minutes. Serve in individual bowls with a little oil drizzled on top.

Don’t forget a little fresh grated Parmesan cheese and a hot garlic buttered bread stick!

 

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S’mores Bark

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We’ve combined all the elements of a s’more into this delicious bark. It’s got crunch from the graham crackers, richness from the chocolate and fire-roasted flavor from broiling the marshmallows-easier than toasting them over a campfire (though admittedly not as much fun)

Total Time: 1 hr. 20 min
Prep: 5 min  | Inactive: 1 hr. 10 min | Cook: 5 min
Yield: about 1 pound of bark
Level: Easy

 

Ingredients

2 cups mini marshmallows
1 pound dark chocolate bars, chopped
6 graham crackers, broken roughly into 1/2-inch pieces

Directions

Line a baking sheet with parchment. Heat the chocolate in a medium microwave-safe bowl in the microwave at 75 percent power until soft, about 2 minutes. Stir the chocolate and microwave again until melted, up to 2 minutes more. (Alternatively, put the chocolate in a heatproof bowl. Bring a saucepan filled with an inch or so of water to a very slow simmer; set the bowl over, but not touching, the water, and stir occasionally until melted and smooth.)
Position the oven rack 3 inches below the heating element of the broiler and preheat the oven to broil. Place the marshmallows on a rimmed baking sheet so they are not overlapping, and broil until the tops just begin to toast, about 10 seconds, turning the pan for even browning. (Alternatively, you can use a kitchen torch to char the marshmallows.) Allow to cool at room temperature for 10 minutes.
Fold half the marshmallows and graham crackers into the chocolate, and stir to coat. (Some of the marshmallows may melt, but that’s OK.) Pour the chocolate onto the prepared baking sheet, and spread evenly with an offset spatula into an 8 1/2-by-11 inch rectangle. Poke the rest of the marshmallows and the graham cracker pieces into the chocolate in a random yet attractive pattern. (This part may be messy, but stretching the marshmallows into the bark will look cool.) Lightly press down the toppings. Allow the bark to set in the refrigerator for 1 hour. Break into pieces to serve.

[warning] Propane gas torches are highly flammable and should be kept away from heat, open flame, and prolonged exposure to sunlight. They should only be used in well-ventilated areas. When lighting a propane gas torch, place the torch on a flat, steady surface, facing away from you. Light the match or lighter and then open the gas valve. Light the gas jet, and blow out the match. Always turn off the burner valve to “finger tight” when finished using the torch. Children [and Dragons] should never use a propane gas torch without adult supervision.

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Ok I can help with that! Here is a tip for painless weight loss!

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Limerick Laughs

There was a young lady named Constance
From boys she wouldn’t stand any nonsense.
If her partners grew deft She would lead with her left;
The results wouldn’t weigh on her conscience.

There once was an old man of Lyme
Who married three wives at a time. When asked,
Why a third?
He replied, One’s absurd! And bigamy, Sir, is a crime.

My sweetheart and I just wed.
Already I wish I were dead.
Two weeks she’s been spending.
It was time never ending.
We are thousands of pounds in the red.

Said the vicar to old Bishop Price,
My wife’s just had twins, ain’t that nice?
But the Bishop said, Father, in the future I’d rather, you abstained, or were not naughty twice.

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Speaking of Diaman, here is a guest mini rant courtesy of her. Let me help you up on that soapbox Diaman WHOOPS! Excuse where those fingers accidentally wound up!

I bought a bird feeder.  I hung it  on my back porch and filled it with seed. What a beauty of  a bird feeder it was, as I filled it lovingly with seed.

Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.

But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.

Then came the shit. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table … everywhere!

Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.

And others birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn’t even sit on my own back porch anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down
the many nests they had built all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like it used to be ….. quiet, serene…. and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now let’s see……

Our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care and free education, and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.

Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen
by an emergency room doctor; Your child’s second grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn’t speak English.

Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to ‘press one ‘ to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than ”ours” are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe it’s time for the government to take down the bird feeder.

If you agree, pass it on; if not, just continue cleaning up the shit!

Well that was so good I think we should let her continue! Besides, Impish gives Ginny a lot of ‘air time’ so its only fair. Encore! Encore!

Rattlesnake Logic in dealing with terrorists

After the Boston bombing the news media spent days and weeks trying to determine why these men did what they did.  They want to know what America did to make these brothers so angry with us.  They want to know why these men were not arrested before they did something so terrible.  The media is in a tizzy about this new era of homegrown radicals and about why and how they can live among us and still hate us.

A Texan explained it:
Here in west Texas, I have rattlesnakes on my place, living among us.  I have killed a rattlesnake on the front porch.  I have killed a rattlesnake on the back porch.  I have killed rattlesnakes in the barn, in the shop and on the driveway.  In fact, I kill every
rattlesnake I encounter.

I kill rattlesnakes because I know a rattlesnake will bite me and inject me with poison.  I don’t stop to wonder WHY a rattlesnake will bite me; I know it WILL bite me because it’s a rattlesnake and that’s what rattlesnakes do.  I don’t try to reason with a rattlesnake or have a “meaningful dialogue” with it.  I just kill it.  I don’t try to get to know the rattlesnake better so I can find a way to live with the rattlesnakes and convince them not to bite me.  I just kill them.

I don’t quiz a rattlesnake to see if I can find out where the other snakes are, because

(a) it won’t tell me and

(b) I already know they live on my place.  So, I just kill the rattlesnake and move on to the next one.

I don’t look for ways I might be able to change the rattlesnake to a non-poisonous rat snake… I just kill it.  Oh, and on occasion, I accidentally kill a rat snake because I thought it was a rattlesnake at the time.  Also, I know for every rattlesnake I kill, two more are
lurking out there in the brush.  In my lifetime I will never be able to rid my place of rattlesnakes.

Do I fear them?  Not really.  Do I respect what they can do to me and my family?  Yes!  And because of that respect, I give them the fair justice they deserve… I kill them.  As a country, we should start giving more thought to the fact that these jihadists’ are telling the
world their goal is to kill Americans and destroy our way of life. They have posted graphic videos on the internet showing them beheading Americans.  They are serious.  They are exactly like rattlesnakes.  It is high time for us to start acting accordingly!

I love this country.  It’s the damn government I’m afraid of!  Why?  Look who’s new in the White House!

· Arif Alikhan, Assistant Secretary for Policy Development for the U.S. Department of Homeland Security

· Mohammed Elibiary, Homeland Security Adviser

· Rashad Hussain, Special Envoy to the Organization of the Islamic Conference (OIC)

· Imam Mohamed Magid, Obama’s Sharia Czar from the Islamic Society of North America

· Eboo Patel, Advisory Council on Faith-Based Neighborhood Partnerships

This is flat-out scary!  The foxes are now officially living in the hen house…  Now ask me why I am very concerned! Do you feel OK with this?  How can this happen? – and when will we wake up?

We are quiet while our country is being drastically changed!

IF YOU ARE NOT CONCERNED, JUST DELETE THIS AND CONTINUE TO KEEP YOUR HEAD STUCK IN (YOUR)  A HOLE.

Otherwise, pass it on – please!

Here let me help you down off the soapbox Diaman. Whoops! Sorry again about the hand! Is that a thong or a G-string you’re wearing?

I’m just going to borrow my soapbox for a few follow on thoughts if you don’t mind.

As long as we insist on maintaining the “moral high ground”, we will NEVER win the war on terrorism!  We’re in a conflict which we absolutely INSIST in playing by the rules – against a maniacal group who have NO rules!

Richard Grenier in a column in the Washington Times newspaper written in 1993 said: “As George Orwell pointed out, people sleep peacefully in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.”

As formerly (and proudly) one of rough men, I can tell you the reason you are not sleeping peacefully in your beds at night is because the liberals and Islamophiles in our Government are tying our hands by refusing with their indignant moral outrage to allow us to take the War on Terrorism to our enemies on and in terms they can readily comprehend. In other words by inoculating them with a dose of their own medicine. Nothing hurts a cause greater or demoralizes its supporters more than to be hoisted on their own petard and losing to someone playing their game by their rules.

These people have made a careful study of your beliefs, political-social values, global economic priorities and our marked preference for appeasing rather than using the big stick lest the last remaining superpower be labeled a bully. They use all of this and our instinctive need to be the worlds policeman and sanctuary for any and everyone seeking something they cannot find in their country against us.

Respect is mutual, a two way street. They do not respect us our values or our beliefs but require that we be accommodating and overly respectful of theirs. This not only includes the fundamentalist terrorists of Al Quida and ISIS but every Arab Nation and Arab who by insisting we kiss their Islamic way of life asses in their presence are defacto accomplices in aiding and abetting the terrorist.

If Islam was truly ‘the religion of peace’ then no fundamentalist Muslim would stand for the actions of the terrorists by refusing to grant them aid, resources or sanctuary of any sort. Yet they do because it is profitable for them. We pour money down a dry well in an attempt to get these people and countries to aid us in the war on Islamic Terrorism.

Show me anybody getting free money despite not doing what they are supposed to with/for it that wants the money to dry up! It’s time we turned off the money tap and let the incentive to do the right thing be the ability to sleep peacefully at night and not having to worry about a sky full of America the last  Superpower’s Rough Men bombing you permanently back into the century your beloved religion is mired in!

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Well that  goes a long way to explaining the success of Liberal’s Bullshit and logic now don’t it?

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Oh shit! OK that’s officially bad!

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275,000 Dominoes – Enjoy Your Life (Guinness World Record – Most dominoes toppled in a spiral)

 

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Would you believe this about our favorite beverage of summer? 

Shocking! This is alarming & scary stuff!

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that’s right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:- 

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense. 
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn’t drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!!

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Talkingtech-Logo

The doorbell is going digital and it’s getting smarter.

The Wall Street Journal’s tech writer recently gave these gadgets a thumbs up.

The Ring and the Skybell video doorbells let you see and hear who is at your door. When someone rings the bell, the devices send an alert to your cellphone and show you real-time video of the person at your door.

You can also talk to the visitor through your phone, as in “I’ll be right there” or “We don’t want any”.

Both devices run about $200 and The Wall Street Journal says installation is fairly easy.

More info on these products:  http://www.skybell.com/  or  http://ring.com/

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When we last left our zero err hero(?) he had become frustrated with his in ability to concentrate on counting his hoard of gold and decided to express his frustration by taking them out on the only person giving him good advice, his friend cat. We rejoin him after an uneventful night.

Tasted cat again this morning. Same result as last two time. Couldn’t ated something that tastes like friend. Off to find Baron now. Cat says they’re like knights, but with more marbling. Have high hopes.

Found Baron hiding in castle smokehouse and ated him. Now know Cat was right, Baron good. Also now know bacon better! Bacon!

Bacon! Bacon! Bacon! Cat said: Bacon, baron, tomayto, tomahto. I replied: Screw the tomatoes and the lettuce! Bacon! Bacon! Bacon!

Stoking up my tummy with shiny black rocks and mesquite chips for experiment in smoking fresh caught barons. Hard not to ated them now!

Minuses: Owe cat apology-fishes for near perforation. Ambushed by sheriff and troop of archers today. Pluses: Tasty tasty archers.

Saw horse with horn on face, tried to ated it. Now covered in sticky rainbow and cat laughing at me. Stupid cat. Stupid pointy-face horse.

Saw pointy-face horse again. Cat suggested hunt to learn habit first, ated later. Followed to beauty shop. Took next chair. Now have pink claws, argh! Pink. Claws. !?! Stupid beauty shop. Stupid pointy face horse. Stupid cat.

Had to burn nail-polish off with fire-breath. Ignoring pointy-face horse in future, no matter how very very tasty it looks. Really!

Coldwetmiserable out. Wanted to sleep in but too hungry. Tasted cat again. Still tastes like friend. Also just not enough there to bother ateding. Agreed to go get fishes. Wet anyway plus felt guilty.

Saw pointy-face horse again. Still looked delicious, but I promised cat. Found knight instead. Ated him, but only for horse. Do I have a problem?

Bumped into pointy-face horse while casually lurking in forest near beauty shop. Did not ated for cat’s sake. Also, pointy-face horse is fast!

Couldn’t figure out why I can’t stop thinking about ateding pointy-face horse till cat said unicorn sparkly. Sparkly! Sparkly! Sparkly! Then cat sighed.

Sparkly! Sparkly! Sparkly! Want sparkly! Sparkly gold! Sparkly gems! Sparkly jewelry! Less sure about sparkly pointy-face.

Was going to hunt sparklys but rolled on back to scratch wings and cat curled up on chest and started purring. Can’t move now. Cat sleeping. Shhh.

Ated merchant and took his sparklys. Ated his horses too. All white like pointy-face. Pretty things. If only they had horns…

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and thanks to my magically delicious & fantastically horizontally naughty special guest contributor Diaman!

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Dragon Laffs #1425


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Up on stage, at the appropriate time, the lights dim and the video screen lights up.  As the sound comes up, you can hear an unusual sound that you can’t place.

Thump – Thump – Foomp!
Thump – Thump – Foomp!
Thump – Thump – Foomp!

As the screen lightens up, you see your friendly blue dragon pal, sitting on the floor of a concrete room, throwing a base ball against the wall, bouncing it against the floor first and catching it in a base ball glove.

Thump – Thump – Foomp!
Thump – Thump – Foomp!
Thump – Thump – Foomp!

As the base ball thumps against the wall, the dragon starts to sing in a very low voice,

Nobody knows, the trouble I’ve seen,1a1
Nobody knows, but my pies.
Nobody knows, the hunger I’ve seen,
And apple is still my favorite.”

He sits in the dark and grimy room, throwing the ball and singing his sad song….as the lights go down on the video, the sound of the thumping fades away. 

You sit in the darkened room, wondering what it all means, wondering if Impish will ever really be back to you or whether this horrible addiction will be the end of him and the end of….

While the screen remains dark, voices can still be heard coming from the speakers:

Okay, cut!  Are we off air?  Good, good.  How was that?  Are you happy?  I really don’t understand why you think this was a good idea for my recovery process, but I did as you asked.  Are you going to give me my pie now?  What???  NO?????

The sounds of crashing and breaking come clearly through the speakers along with human screams and people running.

YOU PROMISED ME PIE!!!  NOW YOU MUST DIE!!!!!

With one final Crash the speakers go silent…and you are left to wonder what’s going on and what to do next…

So you decide to read the rest of the issue.

 

Let’s Laugh

 

A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided to try and have kids. 
They had not been using birth control for the entire time they

had been married, so they thought they may have a problem conceiving. The woman decided to go to the gynecologist and see if the problem was with her. She had been hard of hearing since she s little. The doctor examined her and came in to give her the conclusions. He said, “I’m sorry, but the problem is with you. You have insufficient passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a miracle.” The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband got home and asked her what was wrong. She said, “The doctor told me I’ve got a fish up my passage and if I ever have a baby it will be a mackerel.”

 

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MEDICAL EXAMS
 
1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .’My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab.’
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs – – –
and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco
 
2… At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.
‘Big breaths,’. . . I instructed.
‘Yes, they used to be,’. . . Replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle , WA
 
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’
Submitted by Dr. Susan  Steinberg
 
4. During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor,
that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
‘Which one?’. .. . I asked.
‘The patch.’
‘The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!’
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,
Norfolk , VA
 
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’
After a look of complete confusion she answered, ‘ Why, not for about twenty years – when my husband was alive.’
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson,
Corvallis , OR
 
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning  and while checking up on a man I asked . . .’ So how’s your breakfast this morning?’
‘It’s very good except for the Kentucky Jelly.
I can’t seem to get used to the taste,’ Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
Detroit
 
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a Tattoo that read . . .’ Keep off the grass.’
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, Which said, ‘Sorry  . . . Had to mow the lawn.’
Submitted by RN no name,
AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . .
 
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.
To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . ..
‘ I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . …
‘ No doctor but the song you were whistling was,
‘ I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .’
Dr. Wouldn’t submit his name….
 
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Baby’s First Doctor Visit   This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!   A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room,
waiting for the  doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
‘Breast-fed,’ she replied.
‘Well, strip down to your waist,’ the doctor ordered.
She did.
He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
‘No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.’
‘I know,’ she said, ‘I’m his Grandma,
But I’m glad I came.

 

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A Boy’s First Condom
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at nearby pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.
She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, ‘No, not really.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. ‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. ‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked. I said, ‘sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
Then she beat the shit out of me….
Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

 

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coffee dragon

 

 

 

Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said, “Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten, miserable beasts I have ever seen.”

 
One of the buffalo turned to the other and said, “You know, I think I just heard a discouraging word.”

 

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Remember, Target Identification is So Important!

A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: “One Marine is better than ten Isis fighters”. The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice once again calls out: “One Marine is better than one hundred Isis ‘S.O.B.’s'”. Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The voice calls out again: “One Marine is better than a thousand Isis fighters.” The enraged Isis commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought ….. then silence.

Eventually, one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men … it’s a trap. He is really a Navy Seal!

 

! BIRDBRAINS Drop-In Template.ai

 

Have you noticed the glaring contrast in leadership-styles between President Obama and Jordan’s King Abdullah in the wake of the burning alive of one of Jordan’s citizens?
 
King of Jordan: Gets word of the barbarous murder, cancels everything and heads home to Jordan.  Orders two terrorist prisoners to be executed.  Immediately upon return to Jordan visits family of murdered pilot.  Promises revenge and ramps up military operations.
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Obama . . President of the United States:  Gets word of beheaded American.  Within the hour is playing golf at Martha’s Vinyard.  No visit to family of beheaded American.  No mention of the event or murdered man’s name to the media.  Orders release of more terrorists from Guantanamo. Still cannot bring himself to say the words ‘Islam’ and ‘terror’ in the same sentence.
 
One of the above is acting like a leader. 
One is an inept, feckless, flacid, worthless pile of poop shit.

 

 

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Here’s a really simple golf trick that anyone can do with just a little practice.

 

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This is a very special picture that was created for us by Boris.  He was so enamored with out Magical Mysteries in Histories instructor that he just had to paint her in context.  If you ever get a chance to visit our on site school, this picture is hanging up right down the hall from the Magic’s Wing.  It’s well worth seeing in person.

 

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

How do you feel about sex?‘ he asked, rather tentatively.

‘I would like it infrequently‘ she replied. 

 

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered – ‘Is that one word or two?’

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Last week, the highly anticipated movie, 50 Shades of Grey came out.  I understand that this is a still from the movie:
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Men Do Remember!
 
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.  She
puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front
of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
                                                         
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room. 'Why are
you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day
we met.'

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating?
I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears.

'Yes, I do,' she replies.

The husband pauses.  The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside
him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to prison
for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too,' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'I would have gotten out
today.'

 

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Very interesting infographic.  Have you ever wondered what a body is really worth?

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Hippies

Hit points

Hitchhiking

Hitler

Hitler2

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! BIRDBRAINS Drop-In Template.ai

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9h

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Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Leprechaun Laughs # 286 for February 19th 2015


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As you get off the elevator you see a large sign directly across from it:

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You see that the hall has a double runner down its length to deaden foot falls. As you approach the conference room you hear a few low moans and can smell coffee.

Upon entering the uncharacteristically dimly lit room, your jaw drops in shock. Your first impression is that a tornado sucked up the contents of a The Party Store franchise someplace and dumped it all here. Confetti, party hats, feathered masks and boas, various garments obviously from both sexes, empty cups and bottles lay literally strewn all over the place. A semi torn down banner over the stage touts something about Marti Gras in gold and purple glitter. The projection screen over the bead draped podium is down and seems to be split into 4 sections. Despite the beads hanging off the projector attached to the ceiling you manage to make out 4 different views of what you take for the French Quarter of New Orleans showing very little if any activity.

Nurses and a doctor all in surgical scrubs seem to be attending to the party’s survivors though you think it might be a bit premature to say anyone survived. Small bottles of Gatorade are passed out by one of DL/LL Enterprises staff along with the recipient’s choice of over the counter analgesic for headache relief, dark wraparound sunglasses and ear plugs.

Several hooded, robed and sandal shod monks are working their way about the room checking wrist bands and a applying a smudged sign of the cross to the heads of those Catholics they find out of small bowls of what appears to be muddy ashes.

You spot Diamen and Ginny whose costumes seem to at one time largely have consisted of body paint now totally smudged each nearly drowning in beads in a tangled heap with who can only be No name judging by the balaclava and camo body paint. Unless you’re greatly mistaken Ginny is sporting hand and leg cuffs and Diamen’s body paint had been done to resemble a Dominatrix’s leathers and that’s a cat o nine tails next to her.

Paul Bader seems to be snoring loudly from his recliner in the Patron’s Section, which seems so normal as to be out of place for the scene. That is, until it dawns on you that the snores are emanating from the foot rest end of his recliner and he’s in it upside down.

K2 not to be out done by Paul has taken 4 of the recliners tipped them forward and arranged them and a table cloth into a tent under which he is quite happily ensconced along with toga clad Wednesday…with the exception of his feet which both sport party hats.

As you watch several recognizable mythical entities wake up, roll over and manage to crawl or stumble to a circle in the corner before disappearing with a groan

clip_image003 The doctor and nurses work hard at checking everyone over before establishing rehydration IV with a vitamin B-12 complex piggyback and giving all O2 masks. The large medical cart they are obtaining their supplies from is emblazoned with the logo of a famous facility for the treatment of epic hangovers. Apparently Lethal as usual was well prepared.

Speaking of your host, you spot him slumped against the front of the Podium a crown tilted jauntily to one side and several Gatorade bottles empty nearby. The head of a curvaceous Redhead in a dress that appears to be primarily made of feathers rests in his lap. He appears to be gently trying to wake up the lady. The redhead however seems to be reluctant to co-operate with Lethal’s intentions, momentarily raising her tiara festooned head to glare at him…and growl before dropping her head back in his lap and resuming snoring softly!

Lethal sighs, shrugs and motions over one of the nurses. After a brief discussion the redhead (whom you presume to be the legendary Molly) gets a rehydration IV with a vitamin B-12 complex piggyback and an O2 mask carefully tucked between Lethal and her face. When the nurse moves to start the same on him Lethal waves her off, accepting the O2 and gesturing to the coffee pot besides which sits a liter sized mug. The nurse crosses reads what must be mixing instructions on the mug and in short order returns with it brimming full to Lethal who swigs deeply from it accepts 3 Tylenol and waves her away. The moment her back is turned his ever present flask appears and is upended into his cuppa. After quaffing deeply again from it he suddenly starts looking slightly less the worse for wear.

When he notices you he calls softly to two of his employees, gestures at you all standing in the doorway and then to the top of the podium and makes typing motions. One moves to the podium and retrieves a wireless keyboard and Lethal’s noise canceling headphones from it then moves to refill Lethal’s coffee tankard. The other approaches you with a finger to his lips gestures for you to remove your shoes and to take your seat.

Lethal begins typing furiously on the keyboard stops and cranes his neck in an attempt to see the big screen. Someone catches his attention and shoots him the thumbs up indicating he has control of it and he goes back to typing.

SHH!!! That sign in the hallway isn’t a joke! Welcome friends, please excuse the mess. We had a little Marti Gras party last night in honor of Fat Tuesday…ok so we had a LOT of party last night in honor of Fat Tuesday. Well no that’s not quite right either it was more of an all-day all night lot of party.

Anyways- we’ve got a lot of terminally hung over people and more than one or 2 mythical deities in disguise with nearly terminal hangovers so I’ll be typing out things this morning to avoid any unpleasantness with or for anyone.

I’d like to take a moment to address…

(off in the distance you can hear a blood curdling scream followed by the loud plaintive bellow PIE! Just one pie! PLEASE! I just need one to take the edge off! Lethal buddy? Terrance my left hand? Diaman my favorite Cali Beach Bunny? Ginny muh Jersey home girl? PLEASE! I gotta have just ONE! <sobbing and quieter now> It’s ONLY pie!”

Lethal sighs deeply, heaves on his O2 a moment then wipes a tear from the corner of his eye before gently patting fondly a stirring at the noise Molly and murmuring words of reassurance to her then continuing

…as I was saying to address the issue of Impish and my actions last Wednesday and Saturday as some of you perceived them. Allow me to speed this along by reprinting some of the comments made after Saturday’s Shaving Cream pie incident:

Ginny Submitted on 2015/02/14 at 20:01

My heart was breaking as you were searching for PIE, I so wanted to ease your pain……so I called a top notch bakery and placed my order for one dozen, they will arrive next Saturday, just in time for your issue. I can’t believe Lethal being so cruel with his shaving cream pie….and you call him your friend?????? J

Just pay him back on his upcoming holiday….dragons don’t get mad….they get even…right????? Your VD issue was fantastic…. BUT my one worry….is my friend Diaman ever going to walk again? I must say, DL/LL Digital Media Enterprises really knows how to PARTY!

lethalleprechaun Submitted on 2015/02/17 at 13:24 | In reply to Ginny.

Ginny as mean as I appear I do have good and valid reasons for my actions which I assure you are in Impish’s best interest and will become clear in tomorrows issue. As for my method of announcing the onset of the event,- considering the effort that more than a few had to mount to get him back having gorged himself on Roofied Pies, (after I have repeatedly told him not to accept pies from strangers w/o having them checked out first) coupled with his near derailment of the negations to keep him free and his head attached to his neck because “hiding out is boring and lonely”, to say nothing of his incessant interruption of my introductions with his new annoying theme song, wasn’t I deserving of a little fun at his expense? Besides he challenged me! He thought he was untouchable and had to be shown he wasn’t!

Mean while the congregation of Knights of St George thanks you for your generous pie donation to them. Your pies will be rerouted upon arrival to them before ever reaching the mountain.

As you can clearly see, Impish’s fondness for pie has passed from fondness to obsession and on to uncontrolled addiction. There have been several ugly encounters between Impish and the baking staff as well as anyone unlucky enough to be caught just taking a short cut past any of his ever expanding pie vaults or even eating a slice outside the commissary.

The final straw was when it became clear to No-name and myself that his addiction presented a security risk both to him and to DL/LL Digital Media Enterprises. If he wasn’t so deep in his Pie Addiction even Impish with his near total lack of shame would be embarrassed at the ease with which A.S.S. got to him under his own roof and waltzed him right out of here and into Gitmo.

Hence what you witnessed Wednesday and Saturday last or heard just now was not and is not my being mean to my dear friend. It was in fact a somewhat comically staged announcement of an intervention. As you can see from my response to Ginny above I did have my own slightly selfish reasons for doing it in that manner I’ll freely admit. Aside from the selfish reasons, just a scant 3 days earlier I had incinerated all his pies, did any of you really think I was going to lose my mind enough to sit down in an enclosed area with Impish and proceed to inform him he was the subject of a one Leprechaun intervention and that I was not going to allow him access to anymore pies? Seriously? I mean that’s like liberal level moronic!

As I recently told Impish over the PA (last time he saw me he tried to flame broil me)

I might not be all hearts and flowers when it comes to taking care of or dealing with you. But I’m your Paddy and I take that responsibility very seriously. I’ll always have your back, your best interests at heart and a plan.

In a rare second of lucidity Impish managed to acknowledge that I was a great Paddy to him and that he understood this was for his own good…right before he promised to make an Offal Pie out of my guts.

I know I could be sending Impish off to some sanitarium or clinic or wellness center or any of a half dozen other euphemisms for addiction treatment centers currently in vogue. Truth is I want him to do this cold turkey. I want this to be hard on him. I want it to hurt, physically, mentally and emotionally.

See the problem with all these cure centers is they make it easy and relatively painless. You got the crawlies? Hey not problem we got a pill or a shot for that. We got activities and head shrinking to take your mind off your addiction. We’ll fill your head with bullshit about forgiving yourself because you’re sick. As a result you see all these people go in and dry out for 30-45 or 90 days come out and in 6 months they are a bigger mess than when they went in the first time. It becomes an endless cycle in which the only benefits are to the treatment center’s bank account. I want the memory of Impish’s quitting and getting straight to be so horrific for him that even the mere thought of having a slice of pie will cause him to break out in a cold fear sweat. THAT is the ONLY way he’s going to remain in control of his problem. Hard? Yes. Harsh? Admittedly. Seriously tough love? Definitely. Regrettable? Most certainly. This hurts me as much as it’s hurting my pal. The truth is I bought every one of those pies because I couldn’t get the bakers to agree to promise not to sell to him. I could with a single blast text have enough pies here inside 3 hours to fill one of his vaults but I won’t because as much as it would make Impish happy it would be doing him and our friendship a grave disservice. THAT is what being a Dragon’s friend means, you protect him from himself even when it hurts you and makes him want to make Offal Pie out of your insides.

Now I’d appreciate it if the rest of you would stop jumping to conclusions and/or trying to sneak him pies!

Ginny- I’ll use your upturned butt for a set of Conga drums while doing my Desi Arnaz ‘Babalu’ imitation- the long version where the drum solo goes on 5 minutes straight. It’s been quite a while so I’ll probably need to do it about a dozen times before I get it right.

Diaman- don’t test me, I know you tried all night to reverse positions with Ginny and get in those hand & leg cuffs yourself. I might grant your wish which is something you’d do well to be carefully of having granted by me.

As for the rest of you, I’ll drug you, smear pie filling on your face and you’ll wake up in Impish’s round rubber walled cell with a note pinned to you saying that I sent you with a pie for him. I don’t think given his current state I have to explain that scenario any further than that.

Unfortunately the strain on Impish has been considerable despite the sedation we have been able to slip him. His concentration is  currently shot and his last issue draft consisted of the names of all 125 variations of pie and their sub types. DO NOT have high expectations for Saturday’s issue.

So for now, I’d like a nap- let’s get the issue started shall we? And QUIETLY!

 

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Since yesterday was Fat Tuesday that means today  (if your Catholic) is Ash Wednesday and the advent of the Holy Season leading up to Easter lets start out with a solemn video appropriate for Catholics shall we?

 

FYI: The former alter boy from my days of serving during the Latin Mass in me wants desperately  for me to tell you that their chant “pie jesu domine, dona eis requiem” translates “Merciful Jesus, give them rest.”

What? Shocked I speak some Latin? Liber est autem non?

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Hmm…that ‘pie jesu domine, dona eis requiem’ chant just might apply to the North East and the snow too. Except I think they bang snow shovels against their foreheads in New England about now!

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Adam & Eve’s Pets

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.’”

And God said, “I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal and God was pleased.

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And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”

And God said, “I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”

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And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

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After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, ‘Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.’

And God said, “I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

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And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

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And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.

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And God was pleased..
And Dog was happy.

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And the Cat . . . 

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didn’t give a shit one way or the other. (Please excuse the cat’s language!)

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important msg

PSA

Gun safety IS NO LAUGHING MATTER! The life you save JUST MIGHT BE YOURS OR A LOVED ONES. If its not in your hand or on your person then its unloaded and stowed securely always but especially in a house with young kids. Teach your kinds about guns gun safety and gun respect. By doing so your not fostering the next generation of gun crazed fanatics, you’re preventing the next generation of gun related tragedies!

 

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!cid_X_MA1_1423413955@aol

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The Top 5 Words That Need to Be Part of the English Language

5. FPMS (noun) – A temporary chemical or mental imbalance that makes you want to go all “Call of Duty” on someone’s ass

4. Misclaimer (noun) – Denial of a tendency immediately preceding a statement confirming said tendency, such as “I’m not a racist, but…”

3. Narcistick (noun) – The pole for holding a cell phone to take a selfie

2. Roobella (noun) – Any disease caught by someone too stupid to follow basic medical advice

And the Number One Word That Need to Be Part of the English Language…

 

1. Beastmodel (noun) – A person who is clearly the best person for the job even though someone else got it instead

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Cheese Boat

I cannot emphasis the importance of having a good fresh bread for this recipe. Don’t limit your self to just the French or Italian bread suggested in the recipe either. Just choose a good fresh bread you like. I prefer Sourdough, Rye or Pumpernickel when I make it. The reason for making a point out of this is once you’re done with the contents of your bread bowl you them have the yummy bread bowl itself to eat where the cheese and everything have soaked into the bread! Deli Corned Beef, Pastrami, Capicola (Hot or Sweet) Imported Boiled Ham and Turkey Pepperoni (the other kind is too greasy in this) as well as Finely dices and sautéed Spam or Canadian Bacon all work well in this. I’m thinking jerky might too but I have not tried it as yet. Don’t use a summer sausage they are either too greasy or basically dissolve when heated. IF you like the summer sausage idea leave the meat out of the recipe and spread the cheese mixture on a cracker then apply some summer sausage to it. Same goes for non turkey pepperoni

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Total Time: 50 min
Prep: 20 min
Cook: 30 min
Yield: 10 servings
Level: Easy

 

Ingredients

1 loaf French or Italian bread
Two 8-ounce packages cream cheese, at room temperature
10 ounces sharp Cheddar, grated (about 2 1/2 cups)
6 ounces corned beef, such as Carl Buddig, finely chopped
1 bunch green onions, finely chopped
1 medium tomato, finely chopped
1/2 red bell pepper, cored, seeded and finely chopped
1/2 teaspoon hot sauce, such as Tabasco
1/2 teaspoon chili powder
Large corn chips, for serving

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.
Cut an oval in the top of the load of bread, scooping out the bread in the center and make a “bread boat.” Place the bread on a cooking sheet.
In a large bowl, mix the cream cheese, Cheddar, beef, green onions, tomatoes, bell peppers, hot sauce and chili powder until fully combined. Spoon the mixture into the hollow center of the bread loaf. Bake for 30 minutes, until bubbling, and serve warm with corn chips.

Got left over? (unlikely but possibly) Spread some on the inside of a pita fill with any of the Deli meats listed in my comment above and toast in a toaster oven for a great lunch sandwich with a bowl of soup.

Slow Cooked Cuban Sandwich

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Total Time: 6 hr 20 min
Prep: 20 min
Cook: 6 hr
Yield: 6 to 8 servings
Level: Easy

 

 

 

Ingredients

2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
1 tablespoon kosher salt
2 teaspoons ground cumin
2 teaspoons dried oregano
1 teaspoon ground black pepper
1/4 teaspoon crushed red pepper
3 to 4 cloves garlic, minced
Juice of 1 lime (2 tablespoons)
Juice of 1 orange (2 tablespoons)
3 to 3 1/2-pound boneless pork shoulder
One 24-inch sub roll
Yellow mustard
1 pound Swiss, thick-sliced
1 pound honey ham, thinly sliced
2 cups dill pickle chips
2 red onions, thinly sliced

Directions

Mix the oil, salt, cumin, oregano, black pepper, red pepper, garlic, lime juice and orange juice in a small bowl. Make slits in the pork with a paring knife and rub liberally all over with the oil mixture. Place the pork in a slow cooker and top with the remaining juices from the bowl. Cover and cook on low until tender, flipping once halfway through, about 6 hours.

Remove from the slow cooker and let cool slightly. Shred the pork into thick chunks with 2 forks. Set the pork aside and keep warm in the cooking liquid.

Slice the roll open and smear both sides with mustard. Layer on the Swiss, ham, pulled pork and pickles. Place the onions over half the sub and cut into portions. Or, start on opposing ends and race to the middle.

Better to spread the mustard on one side (bottom) and dip top in the pork juices!

Chicken Tamale Pie

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Total Time: 1 hr
Prep: 5 min
Inactive: 15 min
Cook: 40 min
Yield: 6 servings
Level: Easy

 

Ingredients

3 cups diced cooked chicken (about 12 ounces)
1 1/2 cups prepared salsa
One 15-ounce can black beans, drained and rinsed
1 1/2 cups chicken broth
1 tablespoon chili powder
2 scallions (white and green parts), sliced
3/4 cup cornmeal
1 cup shredded sharp Cheddar cheese
1 tablespoon unsalted butter
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
Sour cream, for serving

Directions

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F.
Heat the chicken, salsa, beans, 1/2 cup of the broth and the chili powder in a 10-inch cast-iron skillet over medium heat, stirring, until simmering. Stir in the scallions and remove from the heat.
Meanwhile, combine the cornmeal with the remaining 1 cup broth and 1 cup water in a medium pan. Bring to a simmer over medium heat, stirring, until very thick, 5 to 7 minutes. Remove from the heat and stir in the cheese and butter. Season with 1/4 teaspoon salt and 1/4 teaspoon pepper.
Spread the cornmeal mixture over the filling and bake until cooked through, about 30 minutes. Let stand for 15 minutes. Serve with sour cream.

I don’t like black beans and would rather starve than eat them. Considering I have eaten things in my life time that were considered National delicacies where I was but would make a Billy-goats retch any place else, in the world that’s saying something. I replace black beans with pinto beans and in soups sometimes kidney beans all of the time.

Here is an important two part tip for you. When it comes to cooking the corn meal;

1.) Never stop stirring or you’ll be sorry!

2.) Use a nonstick pot that way when you ignore my first tip you’ll still have an easier clean up time.

Finally forget the butter, use bacon or sausage grease for a more authentic taste.

Old-Fashioned Potato-Beef Casserole

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Total Time: 1 hr 25 min
Prep: 40 min
Cook: 45 min
Yield: 6 servings
Level: Easy

 

 

 

 

Ingredients

3 pounds red potatoes, peeled and sliced 1/4-inch thick
Salt
Vegetable oil, to coat pan
1 pound lean ground beef
1/2 onion, chopped
4 tablespoons (1/2 stick) butter
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
Black pepper
2 cups milk
2 cups grated sharp Cheddar
1/2 cup unseasoned dry breadcrumbs

Directions

Place the potatoes in a large saucepan with water to cover by 1 inch. Add a generous pinch of salt and cook for 15 minutes, or until tender. Potatoes cook quickly. Test often for tenderness and don’t overcook them. Alternatively, cook the potatoes in a pressure cooker for 5 minutes, releasing the pressure immediately to prevent overcooking. Drain the potatoes and arrange them in a 6- by 9- by 2-inch casserole dish.
In a large skillet, add a little oil to coat the pan. Combine the beef and onion and cook together over medium heat until the beef is browned and the onion softened, about 10 minutes. Drain excess fat.
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.
Melt the butter in a medium saucepan and whisk in the flour to make a roux. Cook over medium heat, whisking constantly, until the mixture bubbles and the flour turns light brown in color. Gradually whisk in the milk and continue to stir while cooking over medium heat. When the mixture thickens, season with salt and pepper, then stir in the cheese and browned beef and onions.
Pour the ground beef mixture over the potatoes and bake the casserole for 20 minutes, until heated through and bubbling. Sprinkle the breadcrumbs on top of the casserole and bake until the crumbs are toasted, about 5 minutes longer.

I find it easier to microwave the potatoes to almost done prior to slicing if you don’t have some sort of a mandolin slicer. Just cut a small flat side on the bottom so it sits stabile when you’re cutting your 1/4 slices. Plus if the skins are thin enough you can go right from slicing to assembling and save a pot you’d have to wash later!

I always add sliced fresh mushrooms when I am making this and top it with more cheese real bacon bits and Panko bread crumb for the last step.

 

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Slow Cooker Peach Cobbler

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Total Time: 3 hr 30 min
Prep: 15 min
Cook: 3 hr 15 min
Yield: 4 to 6 servings
Level: Easy

Ingredients

6 ounces dark brown sugar
3 1/2 ounces rolled oats
4 ounces all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground allspice
1/2 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon kosher salt
1/4 cup unsalted butter, at room temperature, plus extra for the cooker
20 ounces frozen peach slices

Directions

Combine the sugar, oats, flour, baking powder, allspice, nutmeg and kosher salt in a large bowl. Add the butter and work into the dry ingredients until a crumbly texture is formed. Fold in the peach slices.
Butter the bottom and sides of a 3-quart cooker. Add the mixture to the slow cooker and cook on low for 3 to 3 1/2 hours. Serve immediately.

You can substitute other fruit for the peaches. Frozen Apples meant for Pie filling work well too. I’ve even had it done once with Pumpkin pieces. Hmm…come to think of it this might be something to try with sweet potatoes if you like them with marshmallows or drowned in Maple Syrup! I suppose in the case of the sweet potatoes or Apples a drizzle [Molly’s definition of that is less than 1/4 of the bottle] of Maple Syrup wouldn’t be out of place either

Crock pot liners are your friend when it comes to this recipe! Don’t forget the ice cream! French Vanilla, Bailey’s flavor or something with caramel streaks in it works really well.

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Yup, there goes Ginny knees! She’s on the floor again!

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breaking news 2


Superstition alert: 2015 to bring 3 Fridays the 13th

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[Ms.. Fortune the Ninja Kitty Clan’s resident Gypsy and Master of the Malocchio or evil eye.]

By The Associated Press LACEY TOWNSHIP, N.J. >> Get ready for superstition — times three.

Last Friday was the first of three Friday the 13ths this year.

Each year has at least one Friday the 13th, but there can be as many as three. 2012 was the last year with three Friday the 13ths; the next will be 2026.

Here’s a look at the mysterious date through the eyes of a numerals-obsessed educator who calls himself Professor 13; a British journalist moving her family to a new home on Friday the 13th — while wearing a four-leaf clover; a physics professor who used to tempt fate by breaking mirrors and walking under ladders on Friday the 13th; and a New Jersey woman whose cat rescue operation finds it hardest to locate homes for black cats.

PROFESSOR 13

Thomas Fernsler, a professor at the University of Delaware, has studied Friday the 13th extensively; he even went by the nom de plume of Dr. 13 — until he learned of a comic book character of the same name and decided to change his to avoid legal trouble. He now goes by Professor 13.

He says one of the most common explanations for the origin of the date being associated with bad luck stems from the Bible. There were 13 people at the Last Supper — Jesus and his 12 apostles. The Crucifixion took place on a Friday, and the two have been linked ever since. But Fernsler also says Norse mythology asserts that the god Loki went uninvited to a party of 12 other gods and caused the death of the most beloved one, Baldur.

To this day, parties are wary of having 13 members, he says. In Paris, there are businesses that will rent you a professional 14th dinner guest, called a quatorzieme.

Fernsler’s career at the university began in a numerically auspicious manner.

“I got the call to come in and interview on Friday, Aug. 13, at 1:13 p.m. — the 13th minute past the 13th hour,” he said. “U.S. 13 is the route I had to take to get there. I bought a paper that day, and 103 was the winning lottery number. So I put a bet on a horse named Lucky Friday, who was running in the 13th race.”

His horse naturally won, right?

“No,” Fernsler said. “He finished 13th.”

THE MOVER

British journalist Ellen Widdup is moving her family to a new home on the beach in Sussex, England, on Friday the 13th.

“I would never dream of opening an umbrella inside or putting new shoes on the table,” she said. “I salute magpies. I throw salt over my shoulder if it gets spilled. I never walk under ladders.

“I think we are all a little superstitious,” she said. “It’s human nature to try to exert some kind of control over our little corner of the world, especially one in which there is so much terror and turmoil. We look for ways to minimize any perceived threat. Of course it’s all nonsense, but that doesn’t stop us doing it.”

Case in point: Widdup will be wearing a locket containing a four-leaf clover as she makes the move.

“I hope nothing goes wrong; I shall blame Friday 13th if it does,” she said. “But this is a big move for us to a dream home. We feel lucky. We feel excited. And an insignificant superstition shouldn’t tarnish that. “

THE DEFIANT ONE

Eric Carlson never put much stock in Friday the 13th. In fact, the Wake Forest University professor once led a group called the Carolina Skeptics, who would gather every Friday the 13th and encourage people to do “unlucky” things, just to prove that the world wouldn’t end as a result.

“We would deliberately challenge superstitions,” he said. “At 13:13, I would stand under a ladder. We’d have a fake black cat (I’m allergic to real ones.), and break a mirror and spill salt while standing on a crack. We like to have control in our lives, and it’s very discomforting that bad things happen that we can’t control, so we try to find ways to control these bad things. Superstition gives us a sense of being in control.”

He says nothing bad ever happened to him during or after tempting fate on Friday the 13th.

“I have a good life,” he said. “I have a wife and two children, and all of us are healthy.”

Besides, he adds, “It’s bad luck to be superstitious.”

THE CAT LOVER

Rebecca Weber runs a rescue operation for stray cats at the New Jersey shore, placing them in foster homes until someone permanently adopts them.

“Black cats are the hardest to place for adoption,” she said. “People will call up and say, ‘I want a cat, but I don’t want a black one.’”

On Friday, Weber’s group will be holding a “Black Friday” adoption drive for black cats.

She recently placed one named Peyton (after football player Peyton Manning) in the Lacey Township, New Jersey, home of Debbie Grondin, who calls herself a foster cat mom.

“I guess some people consider black to be an evil color,” she said. “But I’ve had black cats as pets before, and nothing bad ever happened to me.”

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That’s kind of why I keep Impish around but I had to substitute a halter top for the t-shirt because of our limited advertising budget and the fact t-shirts and wings don’t mix well. HE says the halter makes him look like a drag queen but I keep telling him it’s the body glitter, eye shadow and lip stick not the halter!

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Guess we’re all going to have to wait until after Easter to follow the advice in this next video.

Uhh <groan> I think after last night Charlie Sheen could bloody well take a few lessons from us!

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When we last left our zero err hero(?) he had just retired for the evening after being introduced to the allure of gold. We rejoin him the following morning.

Stayed in bed today. Cat says it was so I could look at SPARKLY gold on pillow. I say I’z just tired. Oh, and I ated a troll.

Troll left me feeling a need to clean out the digestive system. Ate more black rock. Flaming troll belches…yech. Still, fire!

Having trouble sleeping because my back was very itchy. Asked cat to scratch it and shed some skin. Turns out I have wings!

So far wings do not equal flying. Wings equal falling less fast. On the upside, landed on a gryphon and ated it. Most yummy!

Still not flying. I hope these wings aren’t just decorative. I like being pretty as much as the next dragon, but want to fly! How else am I going to ated more gryphons? Or hippogryphs? Oh, and I want to try Roc too. Cat says birdies are ated heaven.

Cat says that dragons don’t really fly with their wings, they fly with their minds. Confused. How do you flap your mind?

Tried cat’s suggestion about flying with my mind. What’s the sound of one mind flapping? It’s “Aieeee—thud.” Stupid cat.

Rainy day. No flying. Ated a knight, two squires, four horses and a page. Napping now. Zzzzzzzz.

Said to cat “If cat so smart/ let cat fly with mind. What the sound of one cat flapping? “Buzzzip, buzzip—we can fly, we just don’t.” Stupid cat.

Cat says if I bring home big fishies, cat will teach me to fly with my mind. Still think it would be easier to just use wings.

Woke up hungry from flying attempts. Ated princess. Better than mime, but not as good as knight. Need to find new knight bait.

Monk came by to talk about evils of ateding thinking beings. Lots to ponder there. BTW, monk tastes better than knight.

Brought cat fishes to teach me flying. Said I had to put my mind in opposition to the ground. Still not flying. Stupid cat.

Okay, maybe cat not so stupid after all. Mind in opposition to ground plus flapping wings really hard is working. Flew after a feathered serpent and ated it.

BTW, flying snake tastes …like chicken…. Only more feathers to get caught in your teeth. Ptui.

Hungry, check. Want sparklys, check. Need a new princess, check. Flying, check. Time to find a castle. Cat agrees. Sparklys!

Found a pretty castle full of happy singing people. Tried to ated them, but they were plastic. Ptui. Cat says: Stupid Disney.

Tried another castle. Downside, everyone ran away so I only ated 2 knights. Upside, they left their sparklys. Yay sparklys!

Sparkly! Sparkly! Sparkly! Sparkly gold and sparkly silver. Sparkly jewelry and sparkly gems Sparkly! Sparkly! Sparkly! Whee!

Not sure why, but cat’s been muttering about dragon-nip and attention span since we brought the sparklys home. Silly ca—Ooh…Sparkly! Sparkly Sparkly!

Cat says that gold doesn’t exist until you count it. One-two-three-Sparkly. No. One-two-three-Sparkly. Damn it! One-two-three-Spa-argh! Stupid cat.

Five-hundred-and-twen-sparkly. Argh! OK, that’s it, going to ated the stupid cat… And…sigh, nope. Still tastes like friend. Sorry cat.

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I don’t think Impish’s Friend ‘Cat’ is too happy with all this licking and tasting! I’ll be back with more of Impish’s embarrassing hatchlinghood next week!

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Posted in Uncategorized | 16 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1424


Valentine

You’ve just snuggled down into your comfortable easy chair, your coffee on your right and pastry on your left, your feet up when the curtains part.  You expect to see Impish Dragon behind the curtain, but all there is is an empty, darkened stage.

You hear a door open from the back of the stage and a shuffling, dragging sound approaching the light.  A low moaning echoes from the blackness and you can’t help but be reminded of the Zombie movies.  All you’d have to hear now would be a desperate voice asking for “brains” and it would be enough to make you think you were part of some lousy rip-off of the living dead.

PIIIEEEESSSS!  I NEED PIES!!!!!  MOOOOOOAAAAAAANNNNNNN!  PPPPPIIIIIIIIEEEEEEESSSSSS!!!!!

A gaunt and decrepit looking blue dragon appears from the darkness, shuffling towards the front of the stage and the light.  Scratching his arm and sniffing like a heroin addict in withdrawal.

This is awful!  Just awful.  All my delicious pies gone….just…gone.  Destroyed, their lives snuffed out in an instant.  Before they ever had a chance.  It ain’t right I tell you, IT AIN’T RIGHT!

I’m sorry.  Trying to control myself with no pies….well…it’s hard.   To make matters worse, all of the bakeries in 250 miles of here are all sold out!  I don’t understand how that’s possible!

The dragon breaks down on stage and begins to sob.  After a few minutes, he seems to shake himself, pull himself together and return to normal.

I’m sorry.  This withdrawal thing is very hard, but here is much more we need to get to.

birthdaydragonAs many of you know, the 12th was Diaman’s birthday.  It’s very appropriate that someone as special as she is so close to Valentine’s Day.  Thank you very much to Ginny for giving up the date on her friend.  She was very surprised.  And she was even more surprised with the party we threw for her.  Many of the mythical creatures were in attendance as well as the entire Chip ‘n Dale dancing troop.  We had dancers jumping out of cakes (cake but not pie!!!) and lots of presents.happy-birthday

I’m really not surprised that she isn’t here with us today.  The last any of us saw her, she was leading the entire Chip ‘n Dale troop up to her room and locking the door.  I figure she’s still in the process of wearing them all out, especially since we put a bunch of recovery potions in the hallway outside her door.  I figure it ought to be about the middle of next week before she is too worn out to continue. 

As was previously mentioned, today is Valentine’s Day.  For a short history of the holiday, you folks follow along with the next presentation while I step out and make a few calls.  Seems there is a little mom and pop bakery that is rumored to still have a few pies on the shelf.  They may have been missed because they actually operate out of their own home.  I’ll be back shortly.

THE LEGEND OF ST. VALENTINE

The history of Valentine’s Day–and the story of its patron saint–is shrouded in mystery. We do know that February has long been celebrated as a month of romance, and that St. Valentine’s Day, as we know it today, contains vestiges of both Christian and ancient Roman tradition. But who was Saint Valentine, and how did he become associated with this ancient rite?

valentine_smoke_heart_lg_clrThe Catholic Church recognizes at least three different saints named Valentine or Valentinus, all of whom were martyred. One legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine’s actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death.

Other stories suggest that Valentine may have been killed for attempting to help Christians escape harsh Roman prisons, where they were often beaten and tortured. According to one legend, an imprisoned Valentine actually sent the first “valentine” greeting himself after he fell in love with a young girl–possibly his jailor’s daughter–who visited him during his confinement. Before his death, it is alleged that he wrote her a letter signed “From your Valentine,” an expression that is still in use today. Although the truth behind the Valentine legends is murky, the stories all emphasize his appeal as a sympathetic, heroic and–most importantly–romantic figure. By the Middle Ages, perhaps thanks to this reputation, Valentine would become one of the most popular saints in England and France.

ORIGINS OF VALENTINE’S DAY: A PAGAN FESTIVAL IN FEBRUARY

While some believe that Valentine’s Day is celebrated in the middle of February to commemorate theroses anniversary of Valentine’s death or burial–which probably occurred around A.D. 270–others claim that the Christian church may have decided to place St. Valentine’s feast day in the middle of February in an effort to “Christianize” the pagan celebration of Lupercalia. Celebrated at the ides of February, or February 15, Lupercalia was a fertility festival dedicated to Faunus, the Roman god of agriculture, as well as to the Roman founders Romulus and Remus.

To begin the festival, members of the Luperci, an order of Roman priests, would gather at a sacred cave where the infants Romulus and Remus, the founders of Rome, were believed to have been cared for by a she-wolf or lupa. The priests would sacrifice a goat, for fertility, and a dog, for purification. They would then strip the goat’s hide into strips, dip them into the sacrificial blood and take to the streets, gently slapping both women and crop fields with the goat hide. Far from being fearful, Roman women welcomed the touch of the hides because it was believed to make them more fertile in the coming year. Later in the day, according to legend, all the young women in the city would place their names in a big urn. The city’s bachelors would each choose a name and become paired for the year with his chosen woman. These matches often ended in marriage.

VALENTINE’S DAY: A DAY OF ROMANCE

Lupercalia survived the initial rise of Christianity and but was outlawed—as it was deemed “un-Christian”–at the end of the 5th century, when Pope Gelasius declared February 14 St. Valentine’s Day. It was not until much later, however, that the day became definitively associated with love. During the Middle Ages, it was commonly believed in France and England that February 14 was the beginning of birds’ mating season, which added to the idea that the middle of Valentine’s Day should be a day for romance.

Valentine greetings were popular as far back as the Middle Ages, though written Valentine’s didn’t begin to appear until after 1400. The oldest known valentine still in existence today was a poem written in 1415 by Charles, Duke of Orleans, to his wife while he was imprisoned in the Tower of London following his capture at the Battle of Agincourt. (The greeting is now part of the manuscript collection of the British Library in London, England.) Several years later, it is believed that King Henry V hired a writer named John Lydgate to compose a valentine note to Catherine of Valois.

TYPICAL VALENTINE’S DAY GREETINGS

In addition to the United States, Valentine’s Day is celebrated in Canada, Mexico, the United Kingdom, France and Australia. In Great Britain, Valentine’s Day began to be popularly celebrated around the 17th century. By the middle of the 18th, it was common for friends and lovers of all social classes to exchange small tokens of affection or handwritten notes, and by 1900 printed cards began to replace written letters due to improvements in printing technology. Ready-made cards were an easy way for people to express their emotions in a time when direct expression of one’s feelings was discouraged. Cheaper postage rates also contributed to an increase in the popularity of sending Valentine’s Day greetings.

Americans probably began exchanging hand-made valentines in the early 1700s. In the 1840s, Esther A. Howland began selling the first mass-produced valentines in America. Howland, known as the “Mother of the Valentine,” made elaborate creations with real lace, ribbons and colorful pictures known as “scrap.” Today, according to the Greeting Card Association, an estimated 1 billion Valentine’s Day cards are sent each year, making Valentine’s Day the second largest card-sending holiday of the year. (An estimated 2.6 billion cards are sent for Christmas.) Women purchase approximately 85 percent of all valentines.

Okay, I’m back…it was a bust.  They not only didn’t have any pies, but they said something about some big order where they won’t have any for a long time.  I don’t understand what’s going on, it’s as if…

Suddenly, a voice from the main door says, “Excuse me Mr. Dragon, but you have a delivery.  May I come in?”

I’m very busy here and quite frustrated from a lack of my drug of choice!  Are you sure you really want to come in?  What do  you have?  What kind of delivery?  Who’s it from?

“I’m not really sure what it is, or who sent it, but the box says that it’s from the Little Pie Shop, St. Louis.  I have to open it and delivery it to you myself, due to the special instructions.”

Oh my god!  Oh my god!  A pie!  A pie!  Let me have it!  Let me have it!  Impish starts dancing around and wiggling his butt, his tail wagging back and forth like an excited little puppy.  Only a puppies tail doesn’t kill people.  Everyone in the first two rows is ducking and hitting the ground in order to not be hit by this swinging mass of dragon tail.  GIVE IT TO ME NOW!!!!

The delivery person opens the box and produces what looks like a huge, luscious cream pie.  He takes two steps towards Impish and launches the pie right into his face!  Splattering cream everywhere.  A tiny droplet falls on you and you realize that it the old shaving cream in a pie tin routine, just as the dragon lets out a horrendous roar!

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!!!!???? WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING????  Oh, I see!!!!!

In the bottom of the tin pie pan is a quickly drawn shamrock which looks like it was drawn in green permanent marker….and a laminated note.  Before you can ask what the note says there is another scream as Impish reads the note out loud:

“Congratulations, Impish Dragon!  From now until Easter, all pies within 300 miles of your location will be donated to numerous homeless and church soup kitchens and food banks.  Thank you for your generosity!”

My GENEROSITY!!!!  WHAT THE….

Just as the dragon is about to explode, MC Hammer, or a VERY good impersonator, steps out on stage, the music comes up and he starts to sing, “Pies!  Can’t touch dis! Break it down!”

LETHAL LEPRECHAUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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There are several reasons why we are thankful to Ginny this week.  She’s given us quite a few laughs, plus she alerted us to Diaman’s birthday. 

There is this very special animation that she had made for me!  Isn’t this cool!
000Thank you, thank you, thank you!  It’s way cool!

This one though….is all hers.  This is Ginny’s self proclaimed theme song:

By the way, Ginny, Lethal says he can put that song on an MP3 player for you, so you can carry it around with you everywhere
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman:    Hi, Wanda!

2nd woman:
   Hi, Sylvia!  How’d you  die?

1st woman:
    I froze to  death.

2nd woman:
   How horrible!

1st woman:
    It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and  finally died a peaceful death.  What about you?

2nd woman:
   I died of a massive heart  attack.  I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home  early to catch him in the act.  But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman:
    So, what  happened?

2nd woman:
   I was so sure there was another  woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house  looking.  I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.  Then I went  through every closet and checked under all the beds.  I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,  and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman:   Too bad you didn’t look in the  freezer—we’d both still be  alive.

 

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The new warnings on the sides of alcohol bottles and cans

Alcohol Consumption Warning

– The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

– The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

– The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

– The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

– The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

– The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

– The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your behind kicked.

– The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.

– The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

– The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

– The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

1288

 

A man goes into the confession booth at the church.
“Forgive me father, for I have sinned.”
“What is your sin, my son?” Asks the priest.
“Well, about a month ago I was in the library until closing time, and when I wanted to leave it started to rain very heavily and didn’t let up. After some time me and the librarian lost our patience and… well.. partied all night, if you catch my drift.”
“That is bad but not horrible, my son,” Said the priest, “if it is a one-time slip, God will forgive you.”
“That’s just the thing,” said the man, “about a week ago I helped my neighbor fix her shutters, and when I wanted to go home it started raining heavily and… well.. you know, all night long.”
The priest remains silent.priest
The man covers his face in his hands and starts sobbing, “what should I do now, father?”
What should you DO??” Screamed the priest, “You should get out of here right now before it rains!

 

 

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Things that men know:
1. Men know that Mother Nature’s best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.
2. Men know that PMS is Mother Nature’s way of telling you to get out of the house.
3. Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.
4. Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.
5. Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.
6. Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.
7. Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.
8. Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get pissed off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.
9. Men know that it’s never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.
10. Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

1290

 

 

A salesman was testifying in his divorce trial against his wife.

 
“Please describe,” said his attorney, “the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife’s fidelity.”
 
“Well, I’m pretty much on the road all week,” the man testified. “So naturally when I am home, I’m attentive to the wife.” “One Sunday morning,” he continued, “we were in the midst of heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled,
‘Can’t you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?’ “

 

 

Dragon Pic Green

goblets

These are the glasses in my private dining room.  The one I use for entertaining.

 

Thanks to Ginny for this one!

We all remember Tom Cruise in the Movie ” TOP GUN” when he makes a low pass near the control tower and causes an officer to spill coffee down his shirt. Well here are short clips of the top 10 low pass fly bys ever filmed … and of course for nostalgia, let’s see that Top Gun low pass again.     Pay particular attention to the last shown low pass.  It is number one.  Watch the halo of water around the plane.  It happened during a Blue Angels event over San Francisco several years ago.  It was the pilot’s last show with the team, so he had nothing to lose.  Many of the boats in the bay lost windows to the sonic blast.  It’s a kick to   watch.
Number 3 was pretty impressive too.
Although I doubt an awful lot about the above message…especially the part about the pilot in the final video not having anything to lose.  Had he caused the damage that was suggested, it would have affected more than just his Blue Angel flying career.  But be that as it may, it’s still a great video!  So, enjoy.

Out-friggin’-standing!!!!

 

 

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Do you remember your first car?  Brings a smile to your face just thinking about it, doesn’t it?  Check out this site for pictures and brochures of your first car:
http://www.lov2xlr8.no/broch1.html

Here’s mine:

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Yes, the dragon’s first car was a fish!  A 1967 Plymouth Barracuda!  God, I miss that car!!!!

 

 

 

As if Comcast didn’t have a bad enough reputation…..

4a

 

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More pictures from our school.  This is our school bus and bus driver.

 

4b

Your honor!  I object!  I’d at least like the opportunity to try!!!

 

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Well, there’s definitely a long historical precedence in place!

 

This one could go a long way to improve their image:
4c

“LOOK!  NO BOMBS!!!”

 

 

Bob was sitting on the plane, waiting to fly to Detroit, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, obviously in fear. “What’s the matter,” Bob asked, “flying bother you?”

“No, I’ve been transferred to Detroit. I’ve heard things are terrible there. They’ve got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation.”

Bob replied, “I’ve lived in Detroit all my life. It’s not as bad as the media say. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It’s as safe a place as you want to make it.”

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking. He said, “Oh, thank you! I’ve been worried to death. But if you live there, and say it’s OK, I’ll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?”

“I’m a tail-gunner on a Budweiser truck.”

4e

 

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What’s wrong….isn’t that what you asked for?

 

9a

 

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amazon

Epic Boobs

Ha, Ha, Ha

Hey Lady

Hillbilly with a pickaxe

Hindsight

Only if someone misses!!!!!

 

Here’s a question that I’d like answered…
4h

 

 

 

SkilledUp_Inforgraphic_MobileWorld_v9_pears

 

 

This one is too good not to share:
4g

Late Breaking News!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4i

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Let’s finish off today, with a few Valentine’s Day laughs
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Single28

Val heart

The Top 5 Worst Ways to Ask Someone to Be Your Valentine

#5. Not waiting until AFTER you’ve conducted their gynecological/proctological exam.

#4.  Sexting 26 pictures to him, using his Vatican email address.

#3.  Remind them that if they accept your invitation, they stand to gain not 1, but 72 virgins.

#2. At gun point.

And the Number One Worst Ways to Ask Someone to Be Your Valentine…

  1. Ask her during her wedding

 

Winking heart

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Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

DL/LL Digital Media Enterprises Special Announcement


Special Announce GRaphic

Important Notice

Birthday02

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There once was a plumber from Lea
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea
She said “Stop your plumbing
I think someones coming”
Said the plumber, still plumbing “It’s me”

On the internet they found romance,
That put both in a sexual trance,
But each had a gripe,
That it’s hard to type,
With a hand stuck down in your pants.

With the heat of their passion quite high,
In the dark she had grabbed the K-Y,
But her burning desire,
Quickly set him on fire,
When she smeared Fiery Jack on the guy.

There once was a man named Sir Lancelot
Who went to parties and danced a lot
When making a pass
At a young pretty lass
The front of his pants would advance a lot!

BIRTHDAY

Be sure to ‘sign’ Diaman’s ‘card’ by leaving her well wishes in the comments section!

HDay3

Posted in Uncategorized | 7 Comments

Leprechaun Laughs # 285 for Feb 11th 2015


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As you get off the elevator on your way to the Conference Room you sense something might be up as there seem to be several news crews of local affiliates of the Big 4 (ABC, CBS, NBC & Fox) plus CNN, MBS (Mythical Bulletin Scrolls) DDA (Draconian Daily Alert). Reporters from Several major periodicals as well as The Onion, Huffington Post, Daily Prophet, Haven Herald, the National Enquirer and the Dogpatch Gazette all waiting in the hallway to be allowed in the Conference Room. The scent of Peppermint tea and Gingerbread waft down the hall to entice you. The smells almost remind you of Christmas all over again.

As you enter the conference Room you see the benches have been rearranged closer to make room for the press at the back of the room and that security is extremely tight. A dozen CyberLethals are posted about the room along with several larger mythical creatures in the employ of DL/LL Digital Media’s Security team. Most of the tops of the recliners in the Patron’s Section are sporting what you assume to be Ninja kitties all appearing to be lounging languidly while watching everywhere thru 1/2 lidded eyes.  Two more sit upright at the base of the podium, one of which is Chai, the other vigorously washing a paw and flexing the claws it contains is just small and cute enough to be the much feared Brutus the Brutal.

You spot Lethal with his back to you addressing someone in a very ornate high backed chair decorated with gilded carvings of Holly, Mistletoe and Snow flakes that is not part of the normal seating the the Patron’s Area. The arms of the chair each contain Diaman and Ginny who appear to be blatantly fawning over the chairs occupant. Around Lethal’s neck appears to hang a set of headphones sans cord sporting a tiny glowing light.

A human in black unmarked fatigues who’s features are obscured by a balaclava and another 6 CyberLethals are on the stage. Could you be seeing the legendary No-Name Head of  DL/LL Enterprises Security? Along with them are 3 very nervous looking gentlemen in black suits and power ties.

As soon as you are settled the faceless human nods at Lethal who turns and beckons at the CyberLethal doing guard duty at the door to allow the press in. Immediately the din in the room triples as the press start demanding answers and shouting out questions like self absorbed boors they are.

As Lethal walks towards the back of the room he raises an arm and clicks his fingers. A very strident but loud ‘Maow!’ emanates from Brutus who momentarily scowls at the press cowing them into submission.

No-name (if that is him) steps up to the podium and says “Good Morning Ladies and Gentleman of the Readership. Before today’s issue gets under way these gentleman chosen to represent the various Governmental Agencies from which Impish’s recent troubles stemmed have a statement to read. There will be no questions afterwards and I mean no questions.”

No-name gestures and the 3 step up to the podium. One begins reading from a prepared statement.


“The Mythical entities known as Santa Claus and Impish Dragon are not now, nor should they have ever been, classified as potential terrorist threats to the National Security of the United States.

It has come to our attention the information we acted on was serious flawed and therefore misleading. We deeply regret and damage done the the reputations of the victims of this mistaken operation.

Negotiations have been concluded with regard to reparations to both parties but those negotiations and subsequent reparations are covered by a strict nondisclosure agreement as they are considered matters of national security.

We would also like to acknowledge the very kind assistance of Lethal Leprechaun Esquire, both in the brokering of this settlement and in the returning of assets both erroneously frozen and or hacked to some 1500 senior members of various governmental agencies along with the repairing of the damage done to their credit ratings.

OK there is just no way I’m reading this last part. I…OH MY GOD! OW! OW! OW! MAKE HIM STOP FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY! OK! I’LL READ IT!”

There is a brief pause as the spokesman seems to be attending to a portion of himself below the podium. Mean time Brutus wander back around front of the podium with something in his mouth which he deposits at Chai’s feet. It appears to have possibly been a piece of torn and bloody blue pinstripe flannel. Brutus once again begins a serious cleaning of the same paw he was earlier which now appears might have a fairly significant quantity of blood on it as does his whiskers. When the speaking doesn’t resume Brutus eases the cleaning, easily climbs the front of the podium and regards the three suits momentarily before uttering a quizzical ‘Maow?’ Immediately one of the two undamaged suits grabs the prepared statement and nervously continues reading.

“Wwwwe are ppppleased tttto rrreport that the ccccontinual appppplication of ice packs and aaaanti-inflamitories are ssssuccessfully counter acting the mmmysterious sssswelling of the President’s groin area and tttthat he should be up, around and back to screwing the nnnnon-liberal American voters bbbby the end of the week. Ttthat concludes our statement. Thhhhank you for yyyyour attention.

As he concludes he looks to the back of the room at Lethal who is now in the act of donning those head phone. Lethal curtly nods at the suits and gestures off stage right just as a now all too familiar and annoying “Can’t Touch This!” started belting out of the PA.

As the music start the curtains retract to reveal 12 Santa impersonators in red velvet parachute pants dancing with 12 blue dragons dusted in gold glitter. Suddenly the music switches from ‘Can’t Touch This’ to Kool and The Gang’s Celebration. This throws the dancing would be Santas and Impishs into confusion as it apparently isn’t anything they practiced. You see Lethal smirking and holding a remote control in his hand. The real Impish’s head pops up from behind the line of dancers and yells “Lethal your ruining it! This is my moment!” Lethal pushes another button and his apparently prerecorded voice can be heard over the music.

‘As I told you thick head you had your moment Saturday when you came back 4 days early despite my instructions and almost ruined all the hard work a lot of people did on your behalf because ‘hiding is boring and lonely’. This is my day and your butting in…again, in fact ‘tis getting to be a bloody habit with you’.

Impish scowls, shows Lethal his own remote and pressed a button. The music once again returns to “Can’t Touch This” . Impish blows a raspberry at Lethal as he starts wobbling in time to the beat. Lethal sighs deeply and pushes several buttons on the device in his hand. Presentations screens about the room begin flashing Yellow and an orange scrolling message seems to indicate that the fire suppression system in Impish’s pie vaults has gone off line. Impish stops dancing causing several dancers bump into him.

“NO! Lethal! You WOULDN’T! PLEASE! NOT THAT!”

Lethal smiles evilly turns around and heads for the door while simultaneously flipping Impish off and, with dramatic flourish, presses the last button on his remote. The presentation screens pause for a moment before switching to flashing red with a message reading ALERT! Fire in Pie Storage Vaults 1 thru 6. Fire Suppression is off line in Pie Vaults.”

Over the sobs of Impish, No-name steps to the podium and announces “remain calm and enjoy the issue folks the Pie Vaults are air tight on a sealed level far below us. There is no danger to any of you. Lethal is simply demonstrating that he indeed CAN INDEED touch this.

Please enjoy the issue and don’t mind the sobbing Dragon.”

From the ornate chair you hear a booming HO! HO! HO! The Press is too busy laughing along with whom ever is in the chair to even ask questions.

YGR_LR 3

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Mike posted a link to these a couple weeks ago in the comments. They were so good I wanted everyone to see them and thought that there would be most appropriate around Valentines Day.

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Most of us are aware of the 12 signs of the zodiac and the symbols that represent them. Capricorn the goat, Pisces the fish, Taurus the bull, and so on. However, one artist, known as Damon Hellandbrand, decided to re-imagine these zodiac signs as strange and terrifying monsters. The results are awesome! Hellandbrand most often creates his works using digital imaging programs, but some of these pieces were completed in pencil or watercolor. He says that he takes his inspirations from artists such as Frank Frazetta and Boris Vallejo.

Aries

zodiac-sign-aries

Taurus

zodiac-monster-taurus

Gemini

zodiac-monster-damon-hellandbrand-gemini

Cancer

sign-cancer-zodiac

Leo

leo-damon-hellandbrand

Virgo

hellandbrand-zodiac-virgo

Libra

hellandbrand-signs-zodiac-libra

Scorpio

hellandbrand-damon-zodiac-scorpio

Sagittarius

hellandbrand-damon-zodiac-sagittarius

Capricorn

capricorn-damon-hellandbrand-zodiac

Aquarius

aquarius-damon-hellandbrand-zodiac

Pisces

and-pisces-zodiac-monster

Impish & I will never look at our horoscope in quite the same way again!

 

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With Spring Break in the Offing I’m sure there are a lot of hot college co-eds thinking the very thing. Time for me to ditch the Dragon, pack a bag and head for South Padre Island!

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I’m sure one of you will try following this practice, I have just two words for that guy- air mattress. They are way more comfortable than the couch. Just ask Impish.

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What can I say? Aside from being guilty of being a hopeless Irish romantic where me own dear Molly is concerned, I like Cupid. Lucky bugger got to shoot people once a year and get away with it scot free!

At any rate- ‘tis you last chance ta be cooking up something impressive for your love. Even the most kitchen inept of you (word has it that would be you Paul K-9!) should be able to handle whipping up a batch o’ Monkey Chow

Chocolate Pound Cake

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Total Time: 1 hr. 30 min
Prep: 30 min
Cook: 1 hr.
Yield: 12 servings
Level: Intermediate

 

 

 

Ingredients

1 cup (2 sticks) butter, room temperature, plus more for greasing the pan
3 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup cocoa
1/2 cup vegetable shortening
3 cups sugar
5 large eggs, room temperature
1 cup milk
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
Vanilla ice cream, for serving

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Grease a 10-inch tube pan with butter.

Sift the flour, baking powder, salt and cocoa together. Set aside.

With an electric mixer, cream the 1 cup butter, the shortening and the sugar until fluffy. Add the eggs one a time, beating well after each addition. With the motor running, add the flour mixture and the milk alternately, beginning and ending with the flour. Add the vanilla.

Pour the batter into the prepared pan and bake for 1 hour. Check for doneness by inserting a toothpick into the cake; it should come out clean. Cool the cake in the pan for 30 minutes before turning it out onto a wire rack to cool completely.

Slice the cake and serve topped with a scoop of vanilla ice cream.

Or try it Leprechaun Style, with a scoop of Ben & Jerry’s Mint Chocolate Chunk- mint ice cream with fudge chunks. Your store all out of it? Bailey’s Ice Cream is about tied with it as a topping in my house.

Sorry folks! That crash you just heard was Ginny falling to the floor after her knees gave way at the thought of those combinations.

Brownie Tart

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Total Time: 55 min
Prep: 15 min
Cook: 40 min
Yield: 8 servings
Level: Intermediate

 

Ingredients

6 tablespoons (3/4 stick) unsalted butter
3 1/4 cups (20 ounces) semisweet chocolate chips
3 extra-large eggs
1 cup sugar
1 tablespoon instant coffee granules
1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon kosher salt
1 cup (4 ounces) chopped walnuts
2 to 3 tablespoons heavy cream

Directions

Grease and flour a 9-inch tart pan with removable sides. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. [ Read that as 9” spring form pan ]

Melt the butter in a bowl set over simmering water. Add 2 cups of the chocolate chips, remove from the heat, and stir until the chocolate melts. Set aside to cool completely.

In the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, beat the eggs, sugar, coffee, and vanilla on medium-high speed until light and fluffy, about 3 minutes. Stir in the cooled chocolate. In a medium bowl, combine the flour, baking powder, salt, 1 cup of the chocolate chips, and the walnuts. Fold the flour mixture into the batter until just combined. Pour into the pan and bake for 35 to 40 minutes, until the center is puffed (the top may crack). The inside will still be very soft. Cool to room temperature before removing the sides of the tart pan.

Melt the remaining 1/4 cup of chocolate chips with the heavy cream and drizzle on the tart.

Monkey Chow

Lastly here’s a portable confection that your beloved can take with them or you can hide in their lunch bag as a surprise and a hint of things to come.

Also February Vacation is almost upon us for your little monkeys and/or grandmonkeys. The damage to your fridge and pantry  can be devastating when it comes to them climbing in and through them in search of snacks. Why not make a batch of this sure to please snack mix up for them.

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Total Time: 22 min
Prep: 20 min
Cook: 2 min
Yield: 11 cups
Level: Easy

 

 

Ingredients

1 cup semisweet chocolate chips
2/3 cup peanut butter
8 tablespoons (1 stick) unsalted butter, melted
1/3 malted milk powder
8 cups crisp rice cereal, such as Rice Chex
2 cups confectioners’ sugar
2 cups freeze-dried bananas or banana chips
1 cup butterscotch chips

Directions

Combine the chocolate chips, peanut butter, butter and malted milk in a medium microwave-safe bowl. Microwave in 30 second increments, stirring in between, until smooth. Put the cereal in a large bowl, pour in the melted chocolate-peanut butter and stir until evenly coated.
Allow the cereal to cool slightly, and then transfer to a large brown paper bag or resalable plastic bag. Add the confectioners’ sugar, bananas and butterscotch chips. Tightly close or seal the bag and toss to coat well. Store in an airtight container for up to 3 days.

For Valentines Day I’d buy some o’ them little candy hearts with the silly messages or get some with more Adult messages here: http://www.valentinegiftcompany.com/valentine-sexy-candy.html

OR you could go for cheaper ones and get some like these which might not get you the reaction you were looking for:

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Tech talk 2

BReaking News Special Announcement

This is huge: FCC chairman’s strong net neutrality proposal turns the Internet into a public utility!

Brad Chacos PC World Feb 4, 2015 9:17 AM

U.S. Federal Communications Commission chairman Tom Wheeler just pulled out the big gun in the net neutrality battle: In an op-ed published on Wired, Wheeler announced a proposal to invoke the agency’s Title II authority, which would allow the FCC to regulate broadband Internet service as a public utility, similar to phone service. And he did so in strong, no-nonsense terms:

“Using this authority, I am submitting to my colleagues the strongest open internet protections ever proposed by the FCC. These enforceable, bright-line rules will ban paid prioritization, and the blocking and throttling of lawful content and services. I propose to fully apply—for the first time ever—those bright-line rules to mobile broadband.”

The hardline stance comes after Wheeler floated another net neutrality proposal in 2014 that would allow Internet service providers to engage in “commercially reasonable” traffic management, which led to fears of Internet fast lanes. The addition of mobile broadband to Wheeler’s new proposal is another surprise, since the net neutrality mandate that passed in 2010 (and was subsequently shot down in court) specifically excluded mobile networks.

While net neutrality advocates have long called for the FCC to invoke Title II authority over broadband, ISPs are strongly opposed to the idea. The 2010 version of net neutrality was deemed illegal after a lawsuit from Verizon. If Wheeler’s new proposal passes muster with his fellow FCC commissioners on February 26—as it likely will, given that dissenting Republicans only hold two of the five commissioner seats—it will undoubtedly draw even more lawyerly attention from the industry.

Wheeler says his proposal will modernize Title II to make it more appropriate for the Internet age, however. “For example, there will be no rate regulation, no tariffs, no last-mile unbundling,” he wrote. “Over the last 21 years, the wireless industry has invested almost $300 billion under similar rules, proving that modernized Title II regulation can encourage investment and competition.”

After years of being wishy-washy on net neutrality, the FCC is preparing for war. Let’s end with one more quotation from Wheeler—one that drives home the heart of the issue, in these days of throttled Netflix connections, appalling broadband speeds, and seriously overpriced Internet:

“Broadband network operators have an understandable motivation to manage their network to maximize their business interests. But their actions may not always be optimal for network users.”

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This is for all you Grumpy Cats out there!

 

!cid_92979922-A197-4455-8FBF-61CE64793E94

 

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A triple barrel’s worth of short comments/observations to wrap up this week so you can get away from what I understand is a still sobbing Impish. (You just got to love noise canceling headphones!)

For those wondering, yes that is a real production model 3 barreled shotgun. The new Chiappa 12 gauge.

Lawyers see new benefit to police body cameras

When District of Columbia police began outfitting some officers’ shirts and glasses with miniature cameras in the fall, the objectives were obvious: to protect residents from overly zealous officers during arrests as well as to protect officers from any unfounded complaints.

But this month in D.C. Superior Court, prosecutors and defense attorneys explored another benefit of the video: as evidence for trial.

The case, one of the first in the Washington region to use police body camera footage in court, involved a common assault allegation. A District man accused his onetime roommate of beating him on an August afternoon in 2013 after an argument over missing belongings.

When Michael Fouse of Southeast Washington took the stand Jan. 8, he testified that Allen Wells, his former roommate, had come to his apartment with four other men one summer day. Fouse said two of the men held him down as Wells punched him in the face and head “about 25 to 30 times” and then kicked him in his chest.

But in a video that Wells’s attorney, Stephanie Johnson, played in court — taken from a camera worn by one of the police officers who arrived just minutes after the altercation — Fouse, 54, never mentioned those details. He told the officers only that he was “assaulted” and that “everything happened so quickly, I don’t remember.”

Wells and his attorney cited the video as they argued that there was no brutal attack and that Wells, 67, acted in self-defense after Fouse pushed him. Prosecutors used the same video to point out the victim’s bloodied face and T-shirt.

Ultimately, Judge Fern Saddler found Wells guilty of simple assault.

You can access the rest of the article here: http://www.registercitizen.com/general-news/20150126/lawyers-see-new-benefit-to-police-body-cameras

What I want to know what are Jessie Jackson, Al Sharpton and the rest of the ‘Oh-the-police-hate-black-men-play-the-race-card-and-incite-riots-to-get-out-of-paying-for-your -crimes faction going to do with their legs cut out from under them. The camera is going to remove all the doubt and kill the support from all the lying witnesses about how the police brutally oppressed the perp’s rights. What’s next? They going to start aiming for the cameras when they shoot?

Pope Francis to be first pontiff to address Congress

WASHINGTON – Pope Francis will address a joint meeting of Congress on Sept. 24. He’ll be the first Pontiff to do so.

House Speaker John Boehner made the announcement at a news conference, then issued a statement expressing gratitude that the pope had accepted his invitation to appear before a joint meeting of the House and Senate.

The pope is scheduled to make his first papal visit to the United States this fall, with other stops in New York and Philadelphia.

The church already feels that the principle of separation is a one way street now someone who should know differently is going to reinforce their notion it is. THERE IS A BLOODY GOOD REASON THE SODDING POPE HAS NEVER ADDRESSED CONGRESS BEFORE! IT’S BECAUSE HE HAS NO BLOODY BUSINESS ADDRESSING OUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT DIRECTLY IS GOES AGIANST WHAT WE WERE FOUNDED ON!

OK all you whiney liberals pay close attention to what I am about to say next!

OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THE IS HOLY TO THE US of A! WILL SOMEONE PLEASE BEAT BOEHNER WITH A HARDBOUND COPY OF THE CONSTITUTION, BILL OF RIGHTS AND THE FEDERALIST PAPERS!

Then juice them with a pint of Tabasco and give him a Founding Fathers Enema so that some of the principles on which the country is founded and he is supposed to be governing by are burned into his obviously up his ass brains!

Please drug him and tattoo “Separation of Church & State” across his forehead! Then you can censure and impeach him for violating his oath of office.

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Finally here comes that 3rd barrel. As we all learned last Saturday Impish is apparently working on his Memoirs/Autobiography. Perhaps he feels he can best serve the world/dragon kind as a  bad example cautionary tale of the woes of excess.

In any event I take my responsibilities towards my clients, my partner and this business very seriously. Therefore I felt it my responsibility to read said work of fiction Memoirs even in its roughest of draft forms with an eye towards damage control, I mean eliminating incriminating self confessions, err that is his dragging the rest of us and the company down with him with ill advise revealing of proprietary information.

The reading is slow going currently because the earliest parts are in his own claw, which he apparently dipped in the blood of what ever he was eating at the time and used it for ink. I’ve found it interesting entertaining and informative with regard to his very early years as a hatchling. Hatchlings are apparently very different from adult dragons having far baser and simplistic needs/thoughts.

It seems to me that Impish is permanently stuck someplace between hatchling and adult at present after reading some of it.

Anyway in the spirit of entertaining you (to say nothing of continuing to heap my revenge upon Impish for screwing up my plans by coming back early) I’ve decided to cease Parting Shots for a while unless something important/special comes along in favor of ending each issue with an excerpt from what I’m guessing is his diary from his youngest time.

He had not yet come up with a title for his work of fiction recounting of his life through his eyes, so as you can see from the above, I chose one for him that sounded like something he’d choose. Admittedly the “or” part was mine, but hey, look at the capital letters of the title that sounds like him before you come bitching at me about abusing the poor dragon!

Now here’s a preview of selected sections I will be sharing weekly with you:

 

I am a pretty blue dragon. I hatched today. Girl was waiting. Told her my name was Henth. Then I ated her. Virgin’s sure taste good

I went to the barn. There were many animals. I ated them. Except the cat. I only tasted the cat. I did not ated it. Good cat.

After I finished ating the barn animals I brought the cat in to sleep on my pillow. We will dream of fishies and ated them.

Met a knight today. He tried to poke me with sharp stick. I didn’t let him. I did not ated him. How do you shuck a knight?

Got note from great aunt Kayath about knights. Came with churchkey. Opened knight and ated him. Prefer fresh to tinned meat.

Am going looking for a princess. Have heard they make great ateding. Will bring cat for company.

No princess yet :-( I did find several walruses. I ated them, but they weren’t very good. Cat says we should find fishes.

Made cat sack from walrus. Cat didn’t seem very appreciative. Saw, gnomes? Yes, gnomes—a six pack. Ated them. Gnom gnom gnom.

Saw a knight on a horse but couldn’t catch it. Hungry. Tasted cat again this morning just in case. Still not going to ated it

Found large pile of oily black rock. Ated it. Belched fire for six hours. Bad heartburn. Yet, have strange craving for more.

I don’t get what the big deal is about dragons and gold. I mean sure its all…sparkly. But that doesn’t…really sparkly. Spar—

Sparkly! Sparkly! Sparkly!

Sparkly! Sparkly! Sparkly! What’s that kitty? I said that already? Really? Sorry…deep breaths. In, out, in, out…sparkly?

Cat points out that there is no gold here. Sigh. Maybe later. In the meantime, ated mime. Worse heartburn than black rock.

Not sure about ateding mimes. Too much gas later—silent but deadly. On the other claw, it’s one box they’ll never get out of.

Found princess and have set her out front as knight-bait. No more mime-indigestion. Thinking of collecting shields. Sparkly.

Princess is working. Have landed first knight and ated him. I was hungry so just roasted. Will think about a glaze next time.

Mellow day, slow-roasted knight with garlic at joints. Cat says it’s my best effort yet. Ated a couple of goblins too.

Found 5 gold coins in knight’s saddlebags and put them on pillow. Sparkly! Sparkly! Sparkly! Going to bed now.

Actually taken from: Dragon Diaries by Kelly McCullough

Leprechaun Laffs Close 1

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