Dragon Laffs

So, now it’s Sunday and it’s been a long weekend. And sadly, I get to go right back to it tomorrow. But, while I can, I get to spend time with my favorite people for a couple of hours while I rest up and recharge for more … well … I’m not really sure what to call it, but from the week I’ve had, “fun” ain’t the right word.

So, what do you say we try to get some laughter in before we have to start thinking about the work day tomorrow?

Not only that, but he’s lying about the whole dragon slaying thing. Knights don’t slay dragons, they get eaten by them. Proven fact.

ALWAYS good advice.

Looks like I need more chickens … and maybe a little more sleep.

Yeah, but it’s the 39 wives part…

Sadly, I’m not sure that is as much of a deterrent as they hope it is.

Comparing Trump to Nehemiah is one heck of a stretch my friend! Not really the same thing thing.

What if I said I want it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

Wrong … just … wrong.

I remember when I was about 9 or 10 or so I had a stingray bike. You know the ones with the butterfly handlebars and the banana seats? Yeah, that one. They had just repaved our road and it was nice and smooth, but the pavement was that “just paved softness” and I was racing down the street really fast and popped a wheelie and while the front was up in the air the front wheel came off. And, well, I wasn’t good enough to keep it up in the and when those front forks came down at speed and dug into that soft pavement, old Impish became a catapult. Like the picture says, we didn’t wear any helmets back then. I’ll bet I lay in the street for 30 minutes before Mrs. McGinley came running out and got me standing. I think some of the other kids got my bike back together again and I sort of remember riding the half block back home. You know, thinking about it now, that crash, at a young age, may explain a few things.

I was just on the Weight Watchers website

and it asked me if I accept cookies. This is

either a trick question or some sort of set

up.

Okay, I have to share this headline that I just read and then just a few of the details… first, the headline:

Masked man set fire at Walmart using camping fuel and fireworks in children’s clothing section to distract from massive jewelry heist, authorities say.

First of all, where could this possibly happen?

Okay, you were close, Maryland, but the dude was from New Jersey so you were partially right. My bigger question is, so when did Walmart get expensive enough jewelry to make it worthwhile to go through this much trouble? Anyway, just thought I’d share.

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out, “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here.” I headed over with several others. She handed out ice creams to them all then asked me, “Who are you?” It was then I realized all the rest were her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

Tomorrow is National Skip Work and Do Absolutely Nothing Day. It’s not official, I made it up, and I’m fully committed. Spread the word.

THIS man, is my SPIRIT animal!!

It is so true. He is so tolerant of us sinners. We don’t deserve Him, truly we don’t.

My wife and I had a big fight. Afterwards she came crawling to me on her hands and knees…

Saying, “You come out from under that bed and fight like a man!”

Apparently you have to eat healthy more than

once to get in shape.

This is cruel and unfair.

Yeah … but … um … crap!

I always knew I’d get old. How fast it

happened was a bit of a surprise, though.

That’s just wrong!

I have a condition that prevents me from

going on a diet…

I get hungry.

I am starting to think I will never be old

enough to know better.

Me neither.

I think senility is going to be a fairly

smooth transition for me.

Nope! Not going that way!

And that’s it for this one my friends. Now, I need to get the rest of the stuff done that I need to get done. Which means… good night for now, dear friends, until next time. Love and happiness to you all.

Well, it’s Saturday and I’m home from work. Yay! And I’m doing laundry. Boo! But, you gotta have clean clothes, right? So, while the first load is in the dryer and the second load is in the washer, I’ve caught up on the new emails and filed everything and here we go!

I may have figured out this color thing. Or trying to.

I got a package delivered today, but it was for a neighbor so I knocked on their door and their 12 year old boy answered with a beer in one hand and a cigar in the other, I asked “Is your father home? 

He looked me in the eye and said “what do you think ?”

When Frank’s father passed away, he wanted to give him the finest funeral possible. He walked into the funeral home and told the undertaker, “Money is no object. Dad worked hard his whole life, and I want him treated like royalty.”

The undertaker nodded solemnly. “We’ll make sure everything is first-class.”

And first-class it was.

There were huge flower arrangements, a gleaming mahogany casket, a beautiful service, soft organ music, and even a horse-drawn hearse. Friends and relatives kept telling Frank it was one of the most elegant funerals they’d ever attended.

A few days later, Frank received the bill: $16,085.

He gulped a little, but figured, “Well, Dad deserved it,” and mailed the check.

The next month, another bill arrived. This one was for $85.

Frank assumed it must’ve been some small extra charge he overlooked, so he paid it.

The following month, another $85 bill showed up.

Then another the month after that.

Finally, after six straight months of paying these mysterious $85 charges, Frank called the undertaker.

“Look,” he said, “I already paid over sixteen thousand dollars for my father’s funeral. Why do I keep getting billed 85 bucks every month?”

The undertaker replied, “Well, sir… you said you wanted the very best for your father.”

“Yes?”

“So I rented him a tux.”

Don’t you HATE that!!

There’s no workman, whatsoever he be, that may both work well and hastily. 

-Chaucer (c. 1343 – 1400)

Why do men pass gas more than women?
–Because women won’t shut up long enough  to build up pressure.

Yeah, mine too.

Concentrate your energies, your thoughts and your capital…. The wise man puts all his eggs in one basket and watches the basket. 

-Andrew Carnegie (1835-1919)

This supposedly true story is about a pastor (who is not a computer literate person by his own admission) as he told of a real phone call he received from the church secretary. 

Secretary: Pastor, we’ve got a problem in the computer lab where you met with the confirmation class last week. Some of the boys in the class started messing with the mice. 

Pastor: What?!?! {thinking: we’ve got mice in there????}

Secretary: Yeah, it seems some of the boys removed their balls.

Pastor: {incredulously:} Th..th…they did what?????? How in the world did they do that? 

Secretary: They must have used a screwdriver or something.

Pastor: We’ve got some pretty sick boys… I… I… didn’t even realize mice had balls… 

Secretary: Yeah, they roll around on ’em all the time.

Pastor: What?????? {still thinking of the little furry real animals} Well…what can we do? 

Secretary: I guess we’ll have to put ’em back on.

Pastor: WHAT????????!!!!!!

Secretary: Hmmm….Pastor, are we talking about the same thing?!

Personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers:


FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80s,
slim, 5′-4″ (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking,
sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.


LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just
Buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit
plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.


SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the
ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get
together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.


WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth
seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the
cob and caramel candy.


BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in
my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get
together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.


MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our
two heads together.


MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition,
some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.

And that’s it for this one my friends. Time to go take care of the second load of laundry. And start on the rest of the stuff I have to do today. But it was fun spending time with you today my dear friends.

So, I have a couple of hours of time after my SAPC meeting and before going to bed, so I’m going to start this next issue. Not sure when I’m going to FINISH this issue. So let’s see. It’s now Tuesday night, let’s see how it goes, shall we?

And I found out what the new text looks like on a published issue and…it is pretty bad. So… I guess all the text will now be in black and you’ll just have to figure out what’s me. Maybe I’ll put my writing in italics. Let’s see if that works.

Okay, it’s now Friday. and I’m SO far behind. It took me 3 hours JUST to get caught up on my emails. I gave a talk last night to the community on home preparedness. That went pretty well, but was a bit … different. It was a round table event with the SAPC (Substance Abuse Prevention Council) so the other 5 speakers were talking about substance abuse in one form or another and then … there was me. The other 5 speakers sat behind their table and gave their talks and answered questions and then … there was me. The first thing I did was stand up and apologize and tell everyone that in my job, I stood when I talked. When I was done, I was out from behind the table and in amongst the audience and talking to them as individuals, not as a group. Somehow I don’t think I was supposed to do that, but it was a lot of fun … for me, if not for anyone else.

I WANT ONE!!!!

I wonder if they were holding out for more and it fell through or they really didn’t want to sell?

Old man Willy Blumenfeld was getting on in years. His son, Harold, had done well financially in ladies’ underwear.

He asked his father if he’d like to go down to Miami Beach. He thought it would be good for the old man to have companionship and balmy weather as well in his declining years.

The old man was pleased but consented to go only if he could be at a Kosher hotel. And so Harold made reservations at the Sterling Hotel and put his father on a plane for Miami Beach.

His son phoned him once a week and everyone seemed happy. Some weeks later, Harold had to make a business trip south and decided to drop in on pop unannounced as a surprise.

When he got to the Sterling Hotel, there was no sign of old man Blumenfeld. 

He asked the desk clerk if he had any idea where his father might be and he was told he might try room 402 at the Sans Souci. Harold hopped into a cab and headed for the Sans Souci. He learned at the desk that room 402 was occupied by a Miss Peggy Murphy.

Harold rushed up to room 402, knocked at the door which was opened by a tall, sparsely dressed redhead.  And there was papa in a bathrobe! 

Harold was furious! Unable to contain himself, he screamed, “Papa, I’m so shocked I don’t know what to say! An old religious man like you! And you insisted yet you must stay at a Kosher hotel!”

The old man looked at him as if crazy and said, “So, what are you getting so excited for? 

I don’t eat here!”

I found this on line and it intrigued me. I never knew this information before today. So, I’m including it here to share with you guys to see what you think. I’m going to try it starting tonight to see what happens.

Q: My child will not eat fish. What can I

replace it with? 

A:  A Cat. Cats love fish.

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”

Q:  What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?

A:  Fowl weather.

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT A WOMAN’S “I’ll BE READY IN 5 MINUTES” AND A MAN’S “I’LL BE HOME IN 5 MINUTES” ARE EXACTLY THE SAME?

And that’s it for this one … at long last. Took a while to get through this one. And tomorrow, Saturday, when I get home from work, I’ll get started on the next one. At some point in time, I’ll get another day off. It will happen and it will disappear faster than my cigar smoke. So, until next time my dear friends, my love to you all.

Dragons are closer than they may appear in the mirror or from any other position. Yeah, we’re like that.

So, have I mentioned that I hate this new text format for Word Press?

I’m currently binge watching The Shooter series on Prime while … well, while doing everything else that I have to do. Like working on Dragon Laffs, studying, stuff like that.

The problem with that is that it is so engrossing that I stop doing EVERYTHING else and get sucked in and make NO progress on anything else. It’s not like watching any of the normal programs that I usually watch where I can listen and stay caught up with the show. Somehow it’s infuriating. LOL!

And there are FAR TOO MANY who seek to destroy it!

Standing in a garage doesn’t make you a car, it just means you’re standing in a garage.

Mary’s favorite bird was the cardinal. Then I heard that your loved ones come back and visit you as cardinals. (Not that I believe that’s true.) But, our backyard and our area here where I live is inundated with cardinals and it still touches my heart, anyway.

A hacker got into my bank account and left

me a note, “Please save more money, this was

a complete waste of my time”.

And that’s it for this one my friends. Not sure when I’ll get back to this, but keep sending in those cards and letters (read as memes and cartoons). My love to you all. It’s going to be a fun week, it’s going to be a fun week, it’s going to be a … yeah, I don’t believe it either. But, I’ll let you know.

Well, I’m back. And suddenly, Word Press has changed things around and I can’t do the things I wanted to do or like I did them before with text. So, my writing may look a little different then it has in the past. I may work on it and see if I can get it working correctly again, but in the mean time, what do you say we get right to it, shall we?

I do, too!

The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary.  

She ignored the telephone when it rang.

“You must answer the telephone,” he told her irritably. 

“All right,” she replied, “but it seems so silly.  Nine times out of ten, it’s for you!”

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from the Prime Minister of Israel. 

“Your Holiness”, said one of his Cardinals, Mr.  Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand.

“Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?” he asked.

“None that plays very well,” a Cardinal replied.  

“But he added,”there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic.  

We can  offer to make him a Cardinal,then ask him to play Mr.  Sharon as your personal representative.  

In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match.”

Everyone agreed it was a good idea.  The call was made. Ofcourse,Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.  

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. 

 “I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness,” said Nicklaus.

“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope. 

“Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but eventhough I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far.  

I must have been inspired from above.  My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect.  With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”

“There’s bad news?”, the Pope asked.  “Yes,” Nicklaus sighed.  “I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by seven strokes….” 

This one is REALLY cute!

Told my doctor:

“I could be a healthy person if you’d stop finding things

wrong with me!”

Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

Well, interesting day. Today is Saturday, by the way. Had Men’s Breakfast this morning, mowed the lawn, took the second test for this semester’s FBI, and now I’m about worn out!

So, Lynn sent this to me …

This is an Oldie, but I just came across it again and thought of you! 😀😀

And that’s it my friends. I got nothing else for today, but I do need to start the next one, because it’s going to be one of those weeks. Exercises and a special talk on Thursday night, not to mention the regular FBI class (last one of the semester) and Jail Ministry, it should be a real exciting week. So, until the next episode, be very well my dear friends.