Dragon Laffs #1502

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CampersWhat a week it’s been!  On the afternoon / evening of Wednesday, we had a total of 8 verified tornadoes come through central Indiana.

Kokomo, the town just to the south of us, had horrible damage from at least 3, possibly 4 tornadoes that came through.  One of which was an EF3 with wind speeds up to 165 mph.

We had one that came through our area, about 1/4 mile north of my house and I “think” I got a picture of it.

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Maybe.  Possibly, not really sure.  But I do know that this picture does not qualify as the picture of a tornado that I need to take for the satisfaction of my bucket list.

Anyway, between the tornadoes and the work on the cleanup and what not, we need to get right to laughing.

Let's Laugh

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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
 

She says, confused, ‘Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
 
He answers,
 ‘You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause “it’s sooo-ooo–oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ……… so does she. 

You can now visit this man in the intensive care unit.

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Impish Dragon said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.’

Mrs. Dragon responded, ‘Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you.’

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Dragon Pic

Problem

I liked this one.  I’m the one who added the words…well…actually, someone sent me the words as a Minion, I think.  Yes Ginny, that would probably be you.  Anyway, I liked the saying so much, I went in search of a picture to put them with…with the thought of perhaps putting a more PG rating on it and putting it up at work.  I haven’t done that yet, but I thought I’d share it with you guys today anyway.

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Well, a government job in either Washington, D.C. or at the elected level.  The rest of us who have “Government Jobs” really do have to work for a living.

Black Lives Matter protestors were turned away by police at Graceland in Memphis during the anniversary of Elvis Presley’s death. He sang the blues, he sang gospel, he died of a drug overdose and his daughter married Michael Jackson. No one ever did more to meet the protesters halfway.

Yes…I know it was bad….

Movie

Okay, so here’s a couple of funny videos just for fun.  Yes, I know that was a faux pax using funny and fun in the same sentence.  So sue me.

So that one was funny.  I laughed really hard at Chelsea.  This next one will make you laugh as well, but for a completely different reason.

Let’s see if we can’t get some more videos in later.

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 Rio cops moved to indict Ryan Lochte and a fellow U.S. men’s swimmer for filing a false police report. It’ll pass. Critics say they embarrassed the United States, but if embarrassing the United States were a federal crime, Joe Biden would be serving life in prison under the Three Strikes Law. 

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Fantasy

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You may have noticed that we have featured many of our security personnel in this section.  Well, it’s true.  And we’ve done that in an effort to let anyone out there who might have thoughts of attacking or otherwise disturbing our peace that they will have to deal with our overwhelming security forces.

And besides…some of them are quite easy on the eyes.

! BIRDBRAINS Drop-In Template.ai

ObamaCare was hit by the exodus of three major insurance companies last week. Patients are clever. The AMA Journal reports the number of body donations to medical schools has been rising, meaning that Medicare patients have finally figured out a way to get a doctor to look at them. 

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Lethal?  Was Friday at that speech?

Just a quick aside.  I found this political cartoon this morning (Wednesday) and it reminded me of the hypocrisy of Obama and Hillary.  Donald Trump showed up first thing to the flooding down south.  Yeah, maybe it was a photo-op for him, but he was there and he said he wanted to help.

Where was Obama?  Where do you think?  On vacation in Martha’s Vineyard playing gulf!  He did make a brief statement saying how concerned he was, but he had to cut it short to make his tee time.

He doesn’t even pretend to care anymore.

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Well, we started it, so we might as well jump right in.

Politics

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Russian troops massed on the border of Ukraine Monday, threatening to invade the country on Ukraine’s Independence Day and annex it to Russia as they did Crimea. It drew a fast response. The minute President Obama heard the news, he asked the next three groups if he could play through. 

 

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Yeah, and that’s the part that scares me to death!!

 

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Another good one that I just got this morning (same morning as last time, lol)

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President Obama returned to work Sunday after a two-week vacation on Martha’s Vineyard in Massachusetts. He visited the flooded area north of New Orleans. You know the president’s been playing a little too much golf when he referred to Louisiana as the world’s largest two-stroke penalty.

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Do you want to know how screwed up this country is right now?  Here’s a list of headlines that I received in an email from “Minuteman News”.  The headlines alone should make you quake in fear. (Clicking on the “(click here)” will send you to the article.  Well…it should, anyway.

Bahrain’s Prince Got Audience With Sec. of State Clinton After Giving $32M to Clinton Foundation (click here)
Now is anyone surprised over that one?

Texas Judge Temporarily Blocks Obama’s Bathroom Edict (click here)
We’ve started a pool to bet on the amount of time it will take the administration to reverse that decision.  Five bucks a guess, as many guesses as you want, see your personal host or hostess to play.

Farrakhan Unhinged! Slams Hillary, Demands Land and Billions for New “Black Nation” (click here) This one is just plain asinine.

What? TSA Actually INVITED Muslim Leaders to See the Screening Processes at Airports (VIDEO) (click here) This one is actually pretty good.  Good looking young lady doing a really good job at her essay.

Hillary’s Pic Posted on Purported Army OPSEC Brief as “Security Threat” (click here) This one is great!  And, although the article said that they didn’t know if it was true or not, as of this printing, I can tell you that, yes indeed, it’s true!  Hee, Hee, Hee!  Yup, this picture was used going back almost a year.  You gotta love the United States Military!
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Refugees Sue School District – Evidently, Their Free Public School is Unsatisfactory (click here) So you can see why my day has been a bit….pissy!  I’m done talking about these stupid news articles.  Each of them is just more evidence of the absolute stupidity going on in our country right now.  If it wasn’t so serious, it would be funny. 

But it is serious…

So no, it’s not really that funny.

School Sends Home Permission Slip for Reciting the Pledge of Allegiance! (click here)

Ebony’s Editor: No Such Thing As a Hate Crime Perpetrated Against Police Officers or White People (click here)

Justice Dept. Declares it “Unconstitutional” to Hold People in Jail, if They Can’t Afford Bail (click here)

You guys have all the links to all the headlines.  Happy reading.

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Yeah….funny…see me laughing…

News

This is exciting news!!!!!  The Washington Redskins Finally Drop Offense Name!

The Washington Redskins finally drop offensive name:  

Dan Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping ” Washington ” from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as, “The Redskins.” 

It was reported that he finds the word ‘Washington’ imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.

I’m proud of them for finally doing the right thing.

Movie

Okay, I’m sorry, I know I did movie time already, but I found this hilarious video and just had to share it!

I know, right!

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I know….math humor.

Critter

I have to be careful with this section, it got me into a bit of trouble last week.
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“Oh Look!  Daddy’s home! Let’s do our happy dance!”

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And these guys are putting the happy dance to music!

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There’s a farmer and his wife about to make love.

They’re naked facing each other.

The farmer grabs his wife’s breast’s and say’s,

“You know honey, if these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows.”

The wife says. “That’s Right.”

The farmer then grabs his wife’s butt and say’s,

“You know, if these could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens.”

The wife says, “You’re Right.”

The wife then grabs her husband’s dick and say’s,

“You know, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother!”

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For information on joining the MMFCP, please write to this ezine for details.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet… I asked my 17 brothers and sisters, and they didn’t know either.

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Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said, “It’s bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn’t find them.”
 

condom4The second nun said, “I’ve found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later.”

The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. “You get them at a drug store, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them.”

The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. “Good morning, sister,” the pharmacist said, “what can I do for you today?” “I’d like some condoms please,” said the nun. condom2a

The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, “How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.” “I’ll take six boxes. That should last about a week,” said the nun.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a Condom3clear voice. “Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the ‘big liar’ size.”

The sister thought for a minute and finally said: “I’m not certain, I’m looking for something to put on a camel.”camel, surprised
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Motivational

LSD

And reveals dragons in the kitchen.

LSU

Lucky Charms

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Still not as tough as ninja kitties.

Lunacy

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I had the exact same thing happen.  Got stopped by a county sherriff, he told me I was speeding and I told him I was late for work.
He asked me where I worked and I told him I was a dispatcher for the state police.
He let me go.
I was quite surprised.

Donation

Let’s finish off today’s issue with special thanks to our next years patrons.

Steven H.     Leah H.     Henry S.     K2     Ginny     Henry C.     and     Dan T.

Thank you very much, from the bottom of our hearts.  Your generosity and love mean so very much to us.

If you also wish to be among the ranks of the patrons, any donation at all, even a dollar, will be happily accepted and help us to continue this ezine.  At the top of the issue, in the right column you will see where to donate.  If you wish to not use PayPal, then write to me at impishdragon@gmail.com and I will give you a snail mail address you can write to.

Thanks.

Cheers

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Leprechaun Laughs # 355 for Wednesday Aug 24th 2016

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As you enter the conference room you are given a set of noise canceling headphones and told that Lethal’s opening remarks will be broadcast through them and that you should keep them on throughout the issue to avoid hearing problems from the predicted load noises.

Morning Folks!

I hope everyone took the hint and donned his headphones? Good! No I’m not going to waste time explaining why I thought they were a wise precaution, the logic should become self evident as we move on.

First I want to give Impish kudos and a large round of applause for his most excellent issue last Saturday. It was hands down one of his best in quite some time. Which makes me suspicious.

See he’s hit his deadlines for the last two weeks running. Has finally stopped clogging my Vmail with whiney implorements to be allowed to come to Leprechonia (and presumably run amuck as only a dragon whom I recently found out majored in Hedonistic Pleasure and minored in Plundering at Whelpling University could.) He’s even up to date on his paperwork and his diplomatic duties. Most disturbing of all? He’s voluntarily hitting the gym!

Now he CLAIMS this is in preparation for his recertification as and the return of his pilots license to get his legs and wings back up where they should be after not launching flying or landing for so long. However I’m still suspicious that he’s going to attempt to rush the rift I return in from Leprechonia. Impish ahs never been a fan of the word ‘No’ and is even less of a fan of being denied something someone else has, particularly when frolic and females are involved. He has a reputation in certain circles of going to any extreme to obtain these things for himself as well. usually at the other individuals expense and chagrin.

Anyway I promised this week I’d give you a nickel tour of Leprechonia, or at least the parts we have up and running the way we want and some of my key staff. AH! See? Now the reasoning behind the headphones dawns!

So before we start. let me quickly call your attention to our opening banner which depicts some of our more ruggedly beautiful coastline and my chair of state made by a local craftsman entirely of drift wood found washed up on the island.

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Ok so in keeping with my promise to show you around my island a bit, here is my private kitchen and automated coffee dispenser that serves me the perfect cup every time and is even capable of properly decoding my Neanderthal like pre-coffee grunting attempts at communication. (Remember your hearing protection!)

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[You distantly hear anguished screams that sound faintly like Impish as the china on the Kraft table clatters and shakes] Yup it’s a one off system and it’s a beauty isn’t it?

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Care to guess which one I am?  Then guess which one Molly is?

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Paul B., Paul K9, K-squared we’re talking to you!

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Kid hits a dinger, dog makes a better play

 

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We’ve tried to be as low impact on the island as possible, keeping things looking as under developed and “native” as possible while raising the overall infrastructure and amenities level both for guests and for the native population.  (See next Photo for proof) This is a view of the ‘Government and International Business area on the most developed of the islands. That’s Government House, our Military Barracks, Armory and Command centers at the top of the photo.

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Despite the ‘native appearance’ this guest accommodation is 5 star and even has fiber optic Internet and Television. We’ll take a break for a few until Impish can compose himself.

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Thomas Rhett – Die A Happy Man

 

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EpiPen price hike has parents of kids with allergies scrambling

The cost of saving your child’s life has gotten a lot more expensive.

Parents getting ready for back-to-school season have another item to toss in the basket along with Trapper Keepers and boxes of pencils — and they’re facing sticker shock at the latest price increase.

Doctors and patients say the Mylan pharmaceutical company has jacked up the prices for an EpiPen — the portable device that can stop a potentially life-threatening allergic reaction — from around $100 in 2008 to $500 and up today.

That’s a hike of over 400 percent.

Now former pharmaceutical executive Martin Shkreli has weighed in, calling the Mylan company “vultures.”

Connecticut Senator Richard Bluemnthal, who pushed for emergency epinephrine to be stocked in public schools, pledged to investigate the “shocking increase.”

“Patients are calling and saying they can’t afford it,” said Dr. Douglas McMahon, an allergy specialist in Maplewood, Minnesota. “They’re between a rock and a hard place.”

Following a recall by Mylan’s chief competitor last year, the company now enjoys a near monopoly. Because of aggressive marketing and branding campaigns, and lobbying for legislation that requires the product to be stocked in schools, they have a brand dominance equal to that of Kleenex, doctors say.

About the size of a fat marker, they are carried by many parents of kids with severe allergies wherever they go — ready to jam the gizmo into their child’s thigh to deliver epinephrine and stop anaphylactic shock from a potentially fatal bee sting or bit of peanut.

And because they have a stated expiration date of one year, parents refill them annually, incurring an additional co-pay each time.

Read full article here: http://www.today.com/health/epipen-price-hike-has-parents-kids-allergies-scrambling-t102080

Congress Presses Pharmaceutical Company to Explain Surge in Cost of EpiPen

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/08/24/us/politics/epipen-mylan-congress.html

It’s back-to-school time — as well as campaign season — and lawmakers are becoming increasingly focused on the growing cost of pens: EpiPens, that is.

Members of Congress are expressing rising alarm about the increasing costs of the lifesaving injection device for people with severe allergies, and they are hearing from anxious parents.

Senator Charles E. Grassley, the Iowa Republican who leads the Judiciary Committee, was the latest to weigh in on Monday, sending a letter to the head of the pharmaceutical company Mylan, which produces EpiPens. Mr. Grassley demanded an explanation for the 400 percent price increase — to as much as $600 — since the company acquired the product in 2007.

“Access to epinephrine can mean the difference between life and death, especially for children,” Mr. Grassley wrote, noting that many of the children who need EpiPens are enrolled in government health care programs. “It follows that many of the children who are prescribed EpiPens are covered by Medicaid, and therefore, the taxpayers are picking up the tab for this medication.”

Senator Amy Klobuchar, Democrat of Minnesota, called earlier for a Judiciary Committee inquiry into the pricing and an investigation by the Federal Trade Commission.

“Many Americans, including my own daughter, rely on this lifesaving product to treat severe allergic reactions,” she wrote to the head of the commission.

In explaining the increase, Mylan has noted that product improvements have driven up the costs of the devices, that most EpiPens are covered by insurance and that the company also provides discounts. But company executives should prepare to answer many more questions from Capitol Hill in the weeks ahead.

And if they don’t then Congress needs to answer some hard questions from voters come the elections.

Oh and FYI: Epinephrine cost approximately SIX CENTS A DOSE to make and the cost of the ENTIRE EpiPen is estimated to be someplace in the mid $6 range according to my reading on the issue.

But hey, it’s ok because the insurance companies are paying for it not you! Another prime example of why medical insurance costs are so unaffordable- shameless unapologetic price gouging because of a fortuitously cornered market.

 

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Main down stairs area of my personal residence

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Well at least they aren’t hunting Pokémon.

“The [Five] Basic Laws of Human Stupidity” by Carlo M. Cipolla

An Italian, Cipolla taught economic history at the University of California at Berkeley. He died in 2000, at 78.

  1. Always and inevitably everyone underestimates the number of stupid individuals in circulation.
  2. The probability that a certain person will be stupid is independent of any other characteristic of that person.
  3. A stupid person is a person who causes losses to another person or to a group of persons while himself deriving no gain and even possibly incurring losses.
  4. Non-stupid people always underestimate the damaging power of stupid individuals. In particular, non-stupid people constantly forget that at all times and places and under any circumstances to deal and/or associate with stupid people always turns out to be a costly mistake.
  5. A stupid person is the most dangerous type of person.

The fifth law has a corollary: A stupid person is more dangerous than a bandit. (Because a thief at least has motives, even if you don’t agree with them.)

“Our daily life is mostly made of cases in which we lose money and/or time and/or energy and/or appetite, cheerfulness and good health because of the improbable action of some preposterous creature who has nothing to gain and indeed gains nothing from causing us embarrassment, difficulties or harm,” Cipolla wrote in the explanation of the 3rd law.

“Nobody knows, understands or can possibly explain why that preposterous creature does what he does what he does*. In fact there is no explanation — or better, there is only one explanation: the person in question is stupid.”

It’s all spelled out in his short paper: The Basic Laws of Human Stupidity.

* I’m unsure whether that’s emphasis or an error, but it is a direct quote.

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Biggest damned Ninja throwing star I ever saw! I’ve got to find and hire that guy!

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I fear Impish may be unable to contain himself for this next part so please be sure your hearing protection is being worn properly and the electronic noise canceling is set to ‘On’. The hearing (and possibly the sanity) you save will be your own!

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L to R & Top to Bottom:

Brooke– in charge of Public Beaches, Alexi– my Personal Assistant, Erika– Media & Public Relations, Shelagh– Head of my Protective Detail, Brianne– Head of Leprechonian Immigration, Ciara– Chief of Staff to Himself the Green One.

A distant moaning and whimpering can be heard if you listen hard despite your head phones.

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Whoops! Almost forgot Aubrey– Head of Grounds and Gardens!

Faint screams and bellows can be heard along with a PA message calling for both Bruits and a Sedation Team to Impish’s office. Suddenly a deep gravely voice can be heard over the PA, “Cancel Sedation Team. I’ve got his sedation right here.” followed by the sound of a revolvers cylinder spinning then snapping shut.

Ahem. Ladies and Gentleman there will be a brief pause until the noise abates once Impish is ah… issued a grip on his emotions again. Why don’t you use this time as an opportunity to refill your mugs before proceeding.

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Lethal came to Impish with a sales case in hand.

“Dude I’ve got just the thing to get you out of that slump you’ve been in with your virgins. It’s the latest in Male “Enhancement” Vitamins- ‘Nutbuster 5000’.”

“Hello! Dragon here! I do just fine in both the size and action category, thank you very much, I don’t need any male enhancement snake oil in pill form.” Impish responded indignantly. “Wait! Is uhh somebody saying I do? Maybe you’ve heard something like a complaint?”

“Let me put it this way Impish,” said Lethal neatly sidestepping the question. “Did you know that every condom has a serial number imprinted on the band at the bottom so that they are completely back traceable in the event of a failure?”

“No I never heard that before, how did you find out, doesn’t sound like something they’d make general knowledge.” queried our favorite gullible dragon.

Smiling as he set the hook deep in Impish’s wallet Lethal responded, “I’ve seem it many times because unlike someone in this room I have to roll my Larges all the way down.”

Knowing when he was beaten, Impish sighed, reached for his checkbook and said “You win. Better give me a years supply of extra strength.”

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The Council area where I meet with my council of advisors and those subcontractors helping with the infrastructure. Being a young and growing country we find it necessary to meet here often.

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This is where I meet and entertain Dignitaries and the Rich/Powerful/Famous at my private residence.

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Here’s my sailboat the LLS Grace O’Malley at anchor in the bay off the residents only island. She’s all lit up because we’re partaking in our nightly Residents  Only Nude Swim.

(Moan again can be faintly heard through your headsets, this time accompanied by a low level thudding vibration felt through the soles of your feet.)

Well I think I’d better wrap up this tour, it seems to have become just too much for poor Impish to handle. We don’t want him doing permanent damage to the building or himself after all. I mean he has so few brain cells as it is that are still working after the 70s and  80s took their toll on him.

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OH- This is Melody. She doesn’t actually do anything, she just sort of lays around as scenery because with a view that spectacular who wouldn’t want as much scenery as possible!

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Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Donation update

Wha.Okay, so for some strange reason, the link I put in the Last Word for PayPal donations isn’t working, even though I copied it directly from the donate link to the upper right of the blog which DOES work.

If I remember correctly, we had the same or a similar problem last year.

I’ve got no idea…

Gremlins.Gremlin Car

Oh for heaven’s sake!  Not that kind of Gremlin!

Gremlin

Friggin’ Gremlins.

So, for the time being, please use the link on the right side toward the top that looks like this:
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And your donation will be cheerfully accepted.

Cheers

Impish

Posted in Uncategorized | 7 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1501

Dragon Laffs 4

Campers
Let me just throw this in before I forget…remember on Wednesday when Lethal had this little poster, right up at the top of his issue, where he normally has coffee themed things going? 

There was a picture of a full coffee cup sitting on a bed of coffee beans and it said: “A New Study Has Linked Drinking Coffee With a Longer Lifespan” at the top and “Awesome. I’m gonna be immortal” at the bottom.

Well, that got me to thinking about us immortal (or mostly so) mythological creatures…could it possibly be the coffee? 

And if that’s the case, can you imagine, in your deepest and most strongly held beliefs, down in the bowels of your mind, can you IMAGINE what kind of powers Lethal’s Brown Gold Coffee recipe can bestow?

I’ll be back in a bit, I’ve got to go find my buddy Lethal and get some coffee!!!

Let's Laugh

Well, I didn’t find my buddy Lethal, but I did find this special notice on my desk with instructions to post it here:

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The scroll goes on to say, “Thanks for your time and kind attention.  I now return you to your previously scheduled frivolity and insanity.”

Well….. I guess that answers all our questions about that!  Now, let’s get this party started!  Pay attention, because there is going to be another special announcement in today’s Last Word.

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That sounds like as stupid as my GPS is.

Ever been told to go fly a kite?  See what happens when the kite decides it’s time to fly YOU!

And this one is just for fun.  Two guys with a super slow motion camera and nothing else to do….  How about we try to explode glass!  And film it at 343,000 FPS.  That’s Frames Per Second!

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You know, my dad would have killed me if he found out that I had gone through his pants pockets.  I mean D*E*A*D Dead!  I remember once he had punished me and took my car keys away.  They were on his dresser.  Not out of sight, not hidden in a drawer.  On top of his dresser right next to his bedroom door, that I could see easily every time I walked down the hall.
Well, I don’t remember WHY I took them back, just that I did.  You have no idea and words have not been invented to describe the trouble I was in.  And I knew it would happen…I guess…somewhere in the back of my mind…that by taking those keys, even though they were my keys to a car that I had paid for, that I had dared to cross that threshold into his personal space.  How dare I!
And I understand – now – how a parents word, a parents will, is sacrosanct.  My brother could have been poisoned with the only known antidote on top of that dresser and that he would be dead without it in less than a minute, and I wouldn’t have been able to get it.
Like I said, I can’t remember what I took the keys for, I can’t remember what I did to get them taken away, I can’t remember anything other than I took MY keys off HIS dresser and I brought down the wrath of the heavens unto my head.
Yeah, good times.
LOL!

Dragon PicWaterdragon(1)I do have some wet friends.  Who do you think we call when the security guys need some “wet work” done?

I know, “Yuk! Yuk!” very funny.

2171Ah, it’s as if someone was watching me play golf.

Okay, I’ve tried to get to some of the funny stuff before I got into the serious stuff, but let me tell you, today it seems to be impossible!  Too much has been headed my way in regards to the state of the country, the election, democrats, and other anger-making topics.  So, first, we’re going to start with a couple of videos.  The first one is entitled “I thought you should know”.

 

Now, if that wasn’t gut wrenching enough, this next one lays it out on the line.

 

So, a huge video section this time… They just keep showing up and I just have to share them with you guys. This one is quite interesting.  How not to get stuck in traffic…

Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. She decided to write him a letter saying she was tired of him and didn’t want to live with him anymore. After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home. When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it.
 
After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number.  His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting with someone.

“Hey babe, I’m just changing clothes then I will join you,” he said. “As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and I had met earlier. See you soon, honey!” 
 

Then he hung up and walked out of the room.
In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter.

Through teary and bleary eyes, she read:

I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy some bread.

 

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My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”

She said I wasn’t funny; but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too.. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what live animal was my favorite.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why; so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal’s office.

He laughed and told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous military person I admired most.

I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”

Guess where the fuck I am now…

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Ain’t that the truth!  If I were elected president, that would be one of the rules I would adopt!  That ought to bet me elected. 

Fantasy

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Ginny and Paul K9 at last year’s Halloween Party. Great costume, right?  Would you believe they only took third place in the costume competition?  Yup, although Ginny did take runner up in “The Creature I’d like Most to Go Home With.”

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Yes, Diaman and Ginny, I hear you.  “It’s just lucky it’s easy to do.”

The Justice Department refused to okay the FBI to investigate the Clinton Foundation e-mails urging State Department access for donors. It was ever thus. The moment Hillary was born, the doctor slapped her with a subpoena, and the next day the doctor died under mysterious circumstances. 
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The Treasury Department complained Tuesday that there are billions of dollars in circulation in America just from change lying around people’s homes and cars that will go unspent. We need to get organized. Late last night, Michael Phelps found an Olympic gold medal in his couch cushion.

 

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Politics

And again this week it’s been too easy to find stuff to be pissed off about.  I’ve seen videos on how easy it is to hack the election, read articles about how Hillary is held to a different standard and how anyone who crosses her suddenly commits suicide or ends up the victim of a robbery gone wrong.

So, some of these are funny, some are scathing, but most are scary as hell.  Because even the funniest of political cartoons are based in truth.

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And if any of you campers out there don’t think this is the honest truth, then…well…I got a bridge to sell you.

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Some Tim got Broom Stick 2.  I hear it doesn’t have near the nice amenities that Broom Stick 1 has.

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Can I have what’s behind door number three, please?

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No shit.  And the article I read this morning (Friday) says that someone in the administration has now admitted it.  Therefore, the president lied right to our faces.  So, why are none of you campers surprised?

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Yeah, I got nothin’ but a chuckle for this one.

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Like we needed the likes of him to tell us that…

And I love this next one.  I want this as a tee-shirt or something.

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That’s SO COOL looking.  LOL!

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Yeah…no…I’m not touching that one with a 10 foot pole…or even a 10 foot American.

Here’s a thought that ought to put you away for a day or so…

If you’re forty-something, enjoy your life now, because the generation who will pay for your retirement, is chasing Pokemons! 

Kinda scary, right?

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The Olympics were marred over the weekend when the water in the diving pool turned green with a rancid smell and had to be drained and refilled. Officials explained that chemistry is not an exact science. That’s true, ask anyone who has ever blown up the trailer while cooking crystal meth. 
 

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Hillary Clinton drew criticism from the Wall Street Journal for her plans to increase federal spending Tuesday. Enough is enough. The Postal Service announced Tuesday it lost a billion and a half dollars in the second quarter, making it by far the most profitable branch of the U.S. government. 

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Critter

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Okay, this picture looks innocent enough, but in actuality, it is a hidden camera shot of Lethal’s Ninja Kitties in training.  Outside of training, this “pherocious pounce” is a patented NK move is done in full Ninja gear, which means that they are practically invisible.  So, you can now understand how rare a photo this really is.

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Again, this picture looks innocent enough, until you realize that this is the look I got from Brutus when he found out about me taking and publishing the last picture.

Okay, so now for the real topper, this next picture is of the super secret …

Hi folks, sorry.  This is Terrance writing to you to let you know that Impish had to suddenly pay a visit to the emergency room.  I’m not really sure what happened, but I understand that he should be back before the end of the issue. 

When I spoke with the doctor on duty he told me that he had NEVER seen a creature with that many scratches on him, causing that much blood loss, that was still able to move under his own feet.  I’m guessing he must’ve fallen into the rose garden which is just below his personal balcony.  In all honesty, I have warned him before about not keeping his attention on what he was doing when launching from that balcony.  So, yeah, that must’ve been it.

Yeah.

I’ll fill in for him until he gets back.

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Okay, so the part that makes that above picture funny is that it is about the game Pokemon Go, not about taking a walk.
Ha, Ha.
Pretty funny, right?

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Impish?  If you’re out there, Brutus says that you’ll find that last one especially funny.

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Lethal swears that Impish actually tried that with a friend of his….I’m not sure he really understands what the delivery portion is about.

Here’s another great video.  Grab the tissues:

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I … ah … I got nothing.  I’m not sure what … Okay, Okay, I’m leaving, I’m leaving!

I’m back campers, don’t worry.  Also, don’t let all these bandages fool you.  I’ll be fine.  The Vet says so.  I’m sure you want to know exactly what happened…well … um … you know I have this bush beneath … ouch! … I mean, yeah, this rose bush below my window …ouch! … balcony!  It’s below my balcony!  Oh man, let’s just get on with the issue.

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Let’s move on to my favorite part of the issue…or, at least, one of my favorite parts.

Motivational

Love

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Lovely View

See how that one slipped right in?

Love's worth

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And then we just had to go and ruin the whole thing.

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News

Joe Biden On the Hillary Campaign Trail is the Must-See Comedy of the Summer!

Joe Biden revisited his boyhood home, Scranton, to campaign with Hillary —>

Joe said, in reference to Trump, “he doesn’t have a clue.”

Joe went on to say that he’s been around since the Polk administration and has “never seen a presidential candidate from the two major parties less prepared to deal with national security.”

The fact that Joe Biden failed to win a presidential primary has given his statement, at first blush, a little credibility.

But, no. Joe need not look any further than-

A: —His boss. Barack Obama has destabilized the entire world by turning America into a feckless also-ran in the world theater.

B: —-The crunt standing to his right. Hillary Clinton made us less secure with her secret server, the one she needed to cover-up the criminality. She destroyed emails that showed that the state department made pay-for-play deals. “Suggestions” were made that people”donate” to the Clinton Foundation and their “requests” would be fulfilled.

Joe said that Hillary Clinton has forgotten more about foreign policy than Trump’s entire team will ever know.

That doesn’t sound like a compliment.

That sounds like Hillary has a memory problem. Or a server wipe problem. Or a deletion problem.

He said that Hillary knows one thing (again, poor choice of words) that Trump doesn’t know- that it’s “never, ever, never been a good bet to bet against America.”

When did Trump bet against America?

He said Trump can’t be trusted with the Nuclear Codes. This, from a guy who isn’t allowed to touch the TV remote in the oval office.

He said he wouldn’t have let his son Beau serve in the military under Trump, he would have thrown his body down in front of him.

“If my son were still in Iraq, and I say to all those who are there, the threat to their life has gone up a couple of clicks. It’s gone up a couple clicks,” perhaps forgetting that the Butcher of Benghazi was sitting right next to him.

The guy is an abject moron.

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That is so perfect!!!

And it’s the perfect lead-in to….

Last Word

Well, it’s that time of the year again when we have to pay the bills.  I got the bill in email the other day, so that is the kick off of “Donation Season”.

You know what “Donation Season” is, right? 

That’s the one time a year where we beg, cajole, plead, ask, and threaten in order to get donations to keep the blog up and running for another year.  And you know what?  I don’t wanna do that again this year. 

I feel crappy begging you guys for money.  It ends up taking away, for about a month, the free-flow of ideas that we try to play with around here.  Our membership hasn’t really changed over the past couple of years, I get notified that this email address or that email address is added to our rolls, but the total hits don’t really change, no matter what we try to do.

Lethal and I talked about giving away monogrammed pens, coffee cups, having different layers of gifts, but that’s never really worked in the past either.  Maybe we’ll try that again next year.

So, what we’ll do, I’ll ask here…and ask again a couple of more times probably, but I’m pretty sure the same couple of people are going to donate, and that’s okay, you know we love you guys, we also know the group who, for whatever reason, can’t donate, and that’s okay too. 

And the last group who simply won’t…well….that too is okay, we love you guys also (probably just not as much, LOL.)

Anyway, the link to PayPal on the right hand side works still, even if it hasn’t been used since last year, I checked it, it works.  And for those of you who like to click on links inside the blog, here it is: click here

And finally, if you don’t want to use PayPal (even though you don’t need a PayPal account of your own, just a bank account, credit card, debit card, etc.) you can drop me an email at impishdragon@gmail.com and I’ll be happy to give you my new human address and you can send me cash, check, money order, valuable antiques, or virgin sacrifices. 

May you all have a wonderful week until we speak again!

Cheers

Impish

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Leprechaun Laughs # 354 for August 17th 2016

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The above breath taking view greets you on the big screen as you enter the Conference Room and head for the coffee. A short time later the camera swivels about none too smoothly to reveal the visage of Lethal Leprechaun. Clad in what appears to be a Kelly Green linen 3 piece suit seated comfortably at a folding table covered in white Irish linen with a full breakfast service laid on. Behind him the front fender of what appears to be a Range Rover Holland & Holland Extended can be seen flying diplomatic flags on the fenders. The camera work is a wee bit shaky and you wonder if his island is suffering a seismic or volcanic event until you see a portion of a dark pole in the foreground. Then it hits you, Lethal is filming this with a GoPro on a selfie stick.

Top o’ the Morn ta you all from literally the top o’ me island, or more accurately the highest point in my island chain. Grand view is it not? Sorry about the camera and camera work but we’re roughing it a wee bit this morning to make all the gear fit in my official state vehicle so I could only bring the essentials.

For those of you who have been worrying about Molly and I and our weather let me give you a quick update. According to the Weather Lady, the area in which Keebler Towers and Firebase Shamrock are located received between 9 and 10 inches of rain from last Friday through Monday evening. More rain is possible basically any day this week and with it comes the possibility of flash flooding. While 9 to 10 inches is an enormous amount of rain fortunately the heavy down pours and been reasonably short in duration and fairly evenly space so as to give sufficient time for us to deal with it. We remain dry inside with no ponding except for short periods so far. Thus far all flood warnings have been generalized and not focused on any particular river stream or bayou.

He pauses just long enough to take an appreciative sips from a large glass of what appears to be iced coffee before continuing.

By next week I hope to have a few pictures of my surroundings and accommodations here to show you. I have to be careful however as I hear via the grapevine that Impish is getting rather ‘twitchy’ at the mention of me or my private little country going so far as to order one of the pools at our recreation mountain chilled to 40 degrees to help him cope. Now that I have some semblance of a staff hired here I’ve she the 6 sisters named after the days of the week back to DL/LL Enterprises to resume their duties and help keep things running (to say noting of keeping an eye on Impish.

Speaking of you Impish my blue buddy, I know you think tennis is boring, needlessly snooty and would be far more interesting if the women dressed like beach volleyball players (actually I quite agree on that point). However you might want to be on the look out for a YouTube in the issue of a young lady trying her best to play the game. I included it special for you to…shall we say easy your suffering mentally and physically.

AH! I see my breakie is being plated as we speak so I’ll be bidding you adieu until next week. Enjoy the issue

Let's Roll 28

 

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Stuttering Cat – as explained by a Grade 4 student

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.

A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

“Well,” she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”

“That must’ve been scary,” said the teacher.

“It sure was,” said the little girl.

“My kitty raised her back, went ‘Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff,’ but before she could say ‘Fuck!,’ the Rottweiler ate her!”

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Yes Molly dear, what every you say Molly dear.

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This girl’s hula hoop skills are mesmerizing

There seems to be some unexplained issue with embedding YouTube videos in the issue so here is the link and my apologies

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xno3kAI17zE

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Questions like this are why both sides of the aisle hate and fear Trump

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Two terrorists and the genie

Two terrorists are in a locker room taking their annual shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other one bending over holding his stomach in agony. He has a huge cork stuck in his butt.
“If you do not mind me saying,” said the second terrorists, “that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?”
“I regret I cannot”, lamented the first terrorist. “It is permanently stuck in my butt.”
“I do not understand,” said the other.
The first terrorist says, “I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man In an American flag with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, “I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.”
I said, “No shit?”

This story has been Verified by Brian Williams, NBC anchor news. He was there when it happened.

Dropping that fish and shitting his waders in 3-2-1….

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Woman gets a very adult scoop of ice cream

There seems to be some unexplained issue with embedding YouTube videos in the issue so here is the link and again my apologies.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvtEf2VjA9Y

 

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SOLUTION  TO GUN  CONTROL

In 1865, a  Democrat shot and killed Abraham Lincoln, President of the United States  .

In 1881, a  left wing radical Democrat shot James Garfield, President of the United  States – who later died from the wound.

In 1963, a  radical left wing socialist shot and killed John F. Kennedy, President  of the United States.

In 1975, a  left wing radical Democrat fired shots at Gerald Ford, President of the  United States.

In 1983, a  registered Democrat shot and wounded Ronald Reagan, President of the  United States.

In 1984,  James Hubert, a disgruntled Democrat, shot and killed 22 people in a  McDonalds restaurant.

In 1986,  Patrick Sherrill, a disgruntled Democrat, shot and killed 15 people in  an Oklahoma post office.

In 1990,  James Pough, a disgruntled Democrat, shot and killed 10 people at a GMAC  office.

In 1991,  George Hennard, a disgruntled Democrat, shot and killed 23 people in a  Luby’s cafeteria in Killeen , TX.

In 1995,  James Daniel Simpson, a disgruntled Democrat, shot and killed 5  coworkers in a Texas laboratory.

In 1999,  Larry Asbrook, a disgruntled Democrat, shot and killed 8 people at a  church service.

In 2001, a  left wing radical Democrat fired shots at the White House in a failed  attempt to kill George W. Bush, President of the US.

In 2003,  Douglas Williams, a disgruntled Democrat, shot and killed 7 people at a  Lockheed Martin plant.

In 2007, a  registered Democrat named Seung – Hui Cho, shot and killed 32 people in Virginia Tech.

In 2010, a  mentally ill registered Democrat named Jared Lee Loughner, shot Rep.  Gabrielle Giffords and killed 6 others.

In 2011, a  registered Democrat named James Holmes, went into a movie theater and  shot and killed 12 people.

In 2012,  Andrew Engeldinger, a disgruntled Democrat, shot and killed 7 people in  Minneapolis.

In 2013, a  registered Democrat named Adam Lanza, shot and killed 26 people in a  school in Newtown ,CT.

As  recently as Sept 2013, an angry Democrat shot 12 at a Navy ship  yard.

Clearly,  there is a problem with Democrats and guns.

Not  one NRA member, Tea Party member, or Republican conservative was  involved in any of these shootings and murders.

SOLUTION:

It  should be illegal for Democrats to own guns.

We  don’t need gun control, we need Democrat control.

Guns  don’t kill people, Democrats do!

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Connecticut rescuers free squirrel as head stuck in cup

ENFIELD >> Emergency responders in Connecticut have come to the rescue of a squirrel that was caught in a nutty situation.

Members of Enfield Emergency Medical Services responded Friday after the rodent got its head stuck in what appeared to be a plastic or paper cup.

Video posted on the Enfield EMS Facebook page shows the critter wildly jumping and flipping into the air in an effort to dislodge the cup.

Responders’ first attempt to remove the cup was unsuccessful. The wily rodent hopped out of one officer’s hands and through the legs of another.

The second attempt proved more successful. An officer covered the animal with a blanket and held its body steady while another officer removed the cup before the critter scampered away into some nearby bushes.

As I said earlier, there seems to be some new unexplained issue with embedding YouTube videos in the issue so here is the link and my apologies

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lyK53HP02i8

Lethal Libations

No recipes this week…at least not for food. I was worried about Ginny’s ability to deal with the shock 3 weeks in a row so we’re going with go down easy it’s damned hot drinks that are sure to be a hit with adults instead.

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Use the tomato juice call ‘Snappy Tom’ (usually found in a 6 pack of 4 oz. cans) Spicy Michelada and you need not worry about the jalapeno mincing

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I have absolutely no idea what Chia seeds in the Pina Colada Spritz are,where you find them or what else you’d do with them so I skipped them entirely. To me the drink tastes just fine with out them.

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Ut-oh! Looks like someone forgot to fill the food dish before they left!

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LOL looks more like a Habitrail for the Hairball Horde! Mine would ignore everything in it in favor of climbing the wire cage it self for amusement.

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So Impish was bragging how he’d gotten the riding mower that came with his new house overhauled and made into something ‘proper’ for a retired AF vet to be ‘piloting’. This is the photo he sent me of it.

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As if Little Blue smoking a cigar while drinking coffee and driving a lawn mower wasn’t already enough of a disturbing sight in any neighborhood. Don’t worry I had some Ninja Cats sneak in there and have a look, the Gatling gun is only an airsoft one, soft plastic BBs no bullets. He’ll only be terrorizing dogs crapping in yard cats digging up Mrs. Dragons flowers and those insidious acorn burring squirrels with it.

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She Might Be Awful at Tennis But That’s Not Gonna Stop You From Watching Her Try!

A final video, this time mostly for the guys, especially poor Impish all alone back at DL/LL HQ (ahem) “toiling away” while I’m here in my private country of Leprechonia.

Again my apologies for the problem with YouTube videos not appearing in the issue and thus requiring you to click links.

Oh and Impish? No drooling and don’t strain your eyes watching it 500 times please!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOgj9Ch0xto

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