Dragon Laffs #1654

Bad Week

Dear Campers,

Gotta get ready for our annual Linda Foote Dart Tournament tomorrow morning.  Linda was the lady who started our dart league about 30 years ago.  She died of cancer, and every year we raise money for cancer.  I’ll be there from about 8 am till after midnight.  Mrs. Dragon is in the kitchen right now baking brownies, cookies, and all kinds of stuff for donations.

Hopefully we can beat our last year’s total of $3000. 

Hey, if any of you guys want to help us out, just hit the donation button and I’ll make sure it gets added to the total.

But in the meantime….

lets laugh

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Household hint: Stop dusting, and you can use your coffee table as a message board.

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If war breaks out between India and Pakistan, who will answer the phone at the call center?

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I heard Bill Clinton might be joining Joe Biden on the campaign trail – it will be called “Our Fondling Fathers.”

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A man walks down the street when suddenly he hears a tiny voice above him saying: “If you make one more step, a brick will land on your head and kill you.

Surprised, the man stops just as a huge brick crashes down right in front of him.

Stunned, he continues on his way, and after a few minutes hears the voice again: “Stop! Don’t cross the road, if you do, the next vehicle will run you over!” The man freezes and again is almost hit by a speeding car.

The man sighs a sigh of relief and asks the air: “Who ARE you?!?”

I am your guardian angel!” Answers the voice joyfully.

REALLY??” says the man in sudden anger, “Then where the heck were you when I got MARRIED??”

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I miss the 90’s when bread was still good for you and no one knew what Kale was.

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I just saw a donkey crossing the road.

Cool thing was, he looked both ways before crossing.

What a smart ass.

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Vampires are real!!!  Everyday I meet at least one person who sucks the life out of me.

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I did a push-up today.

Well, actually, I fell down.  But, I had to use my arms to get up so… close enough.

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“For better digestion – I drink beer.  In the case of appetite loss, I drink white wine.  In the case of low blood pressure, I drink red wine.  In the case of high blood pressure, I drink scotch.  And when I have a cold, I drink schnapps.”

“When do you drink water?”

“I’ve never been that sick.”

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Politics

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AND LET US ASK OURSELVES, “WHAT IS FAIR TO OUR MILITARY VETERANS?”  It is total and complete BULLSHIT the way that our country has treated our Vets who need help.

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SOCIAL SECURITY is a mandated retirement program that all of us who work for a living have paid into for many, many years.  What the fuck right do illegal aliens have to money that I fucking worked for??!!  My God, the stupidity and audacity of some people is overwhelming!!  They say that Mrs. Dragon won’t be able to draw Social Security because she got disabled and didn’t work enough years…only about 15 years.  But, she can’t draw disability either because we don’t have enough money to hire a good enough lawyer to fight for it…not really the point…the point is, the illegal aliens didn’t pay ANYTHING into this mandated retirement program and they should be able to draw from it??!!

coollogo_com-207861348

Now, let us continue.

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I’ve found that growing up in the sixties was lots more fun than living in my sixties.

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A DAY WITHOUT COFFEE IS LIKE…

Just kidding.  I have no idea.

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STRANGER: HOW MUCH FOR THE ANGRY LAWN GNOME?

ME: THAT’S MY TODDLER.

motivate

We gotta do some of these….

Sally

sammich

Sandy

sanity

Sarcasm

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Say maybe to

Scapegoat

Scientology

 

I must apologize for this next one ahead of time…but I just couldn’t resist…

Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use gas, or knock me out with a device used to propel a canoe…. It was an ether / oar situation.

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I decided to pick up a summer job to try and raise some money to replace this damn laptop…
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Okay, let’s throw in a bunch of final funnies and call it a day.  I gotta get ready to throw some darts.

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Yeah, and?  I don’t see the problem with this.

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I think I married her sister once.

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And with that I’ll say Cheers until next week.

Love you guys,

Impish Dragon.

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Dragon Laffs #1653

Mothers day 2

Mother’s Day Weekend and what a week it’s been leading up to it.  It’s Friday afternoon and I’m just now starting this issue.

Well, it’s more like it’s Friday early evening.  Took me an hour just to get this damn laptop started and running.  I really need to inherit some money.  Problem is, there’s too many other issues clamoring for my paycheck.

But, enough about that.  Let’s say happy Mother’s Day to all you mothers out there.

Happy Mother's Day

And of course we lead off with some special Mom Day cartoons…

HAPPY-~1

mom

mom1

mom6

mom9

moms2hrs_zpsngpzwv9y

mothers day 1

mothers day dragon

Yup, even us Dragons have Mothers.

mothers day fantasy

Mothers Day

mothersday1

And a special happy Mother’s Day to my adopted Mom.  Love you Diaman!

And now to some regular funnies.

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I don’t care what people think of me…

At least mosquitoes find me attractive.

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I think that’s a great idea! 

The year is 2020 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, “So, Mom, I assume you’ll be coming to my inauguration?”

“I don’t think so.  It’s a ten-hour drive, your father isn’t as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.”

“Don’t worry about it, Mom, I’ll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home.  And a limousine will pick you up at your door.”

“I don’t know.  Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy; what on earth would I wear?

Susan replies, “I’ll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York.”

“Honey,” Mom complains, “you know I can’t eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.”

The President-to-be responds, “Don’t worry Mom.  The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way.. Mom, I really want you to come.”

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on  January 20, 2021, Susan Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States.  In the front row sits the new President’s mother, who leans over to a  Senator sitting next to her and says, “You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?”

The Senator whispers back, “Yes, I do.”

Mom says proudly, “Her brother is a doctor.

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Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, “Just for fun, Mama, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”  The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while

He then says, “Okay, Mama, guess which one am I going to marry?”

Mama says immediately, “The one on the right.”

“That’s amazing, Mama.  You’re right.  How did you know?”

Mama replies:  “I don’t like her.”

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I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first drink.

Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him a Guinness Stout.  He didn’t like it – so I drank it.

Then I got him an Old Style.  He didn’t like it either, so I drank it.

It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.

By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . .

I could hardly push the stroller back home.

I know this is going to be a short issue.  Too much to do and no time to do it.  For that I’m sorry.

But let’s end today’s issue with a series of pictures that all have a theme…

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And that’s it my friends.

Take care until we meet again.

Love you mom!

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

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Dragon Laffs #1652

Star Wars Day

Good Morning Campers,

Happy Star Wars Day!  Did you not know today was Star Wars Day?  Sure.  You know… May the fourth be with you!

May the 4th…..

Get it?

Oh geez!

I don’t have much time, so let’s get to the laughter, shall we?

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Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 94,239 times, you’re a WEATHERMAN!!

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When NASA started sending astronauts into space they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.  To combat this problem, Congress approved a program and NASA scientists spent a decade and over $165 million developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, on almost any surface and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil…

It’s time to pay your taxes again.

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I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said ‘nothing’.

The reason I said ‘nothing’ instead of saying ‘just thinking’ is because she then would have asked ‘about what?’

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they “know”?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn’t really “know”, here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.”

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”

I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock.

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IRONY

THE OPPOSITE OF WRINKLY.

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Sorry this was so quick, but that’s gonna have to be it for this week.

Until next week.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

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Dragon #1651

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Good Morning My Favorite Campers!

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So, let’s get the feelings out there right at the beginning.  This next one is dedicated to Valarie:

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So, right now, it’s Wednesday evening and I have a few more days before this issue goes out, so maybe I’ll want to say more about it by then…if not, then the sign says it all.

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And This one is for Izzy Dragon:

If my kid can’t bring peanut butter to school, then yours can’t bring the deathly plague.  Vaccinate or I’m bringing the Jiffy!

Obviously, Izzy Dragon is very Pro-Vaccinations.

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McDonalds called out order 867 and I yelled back 5309 and nobody laughed.  Then I felt old and ate my burger in the playground area.

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Principal: Your son is being bullied
Me: He needs a sword
Principal: What? No! That would…
Me: *Pulls out a sword*
Principal: Whoa!  Hold on!  I don’t want any problems.
Me: *To son* See what I mean?

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John Lennon: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola.
Police Sketch Artist: What?

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Okay, that was just bloody awful.

 

I asked my personal trainer to be honest with me.

Me: What will it take for me to develop an athletic body?

Her: Reincarnation.

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Blaming 100+ year-old statues of men who died 150+ years ago for our problems today…only highlights the ignorance among us.

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If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN….

They become VERY ANGRY.

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Let’s have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle. ~ Earl Blumenauer

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Running into a friend at the store…
Friend:
“So, I’ve been doing this Keto Diet and I’m training to run a half-marathon.  I feel great.
Me: “I just got $35 worth of Easter candy on sale for like $8.  I feel pretty great, too.”

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Physical strength is measured by what we can carry.

Inner strength is measured by what we can bear.

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Interesting Confusions:
1. Can you cry underwater?
2. Do fish ever get thirsty?
3. Why don’t birds fall off trees when they sleep?
4. Why is it called a building, when it’s already built?
5. When they say dog food is new and improved, who tastes it?
6. If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?
7. Why does round pizza come in square boxes?
8. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of it’s bottle?

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Okay, so let’s throw some of these in next…

rule37

Rules

Rules_for_a_gunfight

Running of the bulls

Russian Police Women

sacrifice

Sacrifice2

sad reality

Sadly

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safe_car

And we can throw in a couple more of these…

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And that my dear friends is that.  Sadly, it was a busy week for me and I’ve run out of time and this needs to be posted so I can go to bed.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

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Dragon Laffs #1650

Header1650

Good Morning Campers,

So Tuesday morning, early, 0230 early to be precise, I got up out of bed to use the bathroom, as happens when you get to be an old man, so, I sat up on the edge of the bed, stood up and promptly fell back down.  Luckily, I fell right back on the bed.  So, figuring that I’m just tired, I stood up again.
And fell down again.
This is weird, thinks the dragon.
Third times the charm, I figure and stood up again, but this time I concentrate on JUST STANDING.
Mission accomplished!
So I take a step straight ahead to head to the bathroom and I crash to the right, grabbing ahold of the wall to stay standing.
It’s like I’m VERY drunk, without having drank anything.  It was the weirdest damn thing I have ever gone through in my whole life.  I could not walk in a straight line where I wanted to go.  Like that game, when we were kids, where we put our foreheads on a baseball bat and spun around in a circle and then tried to run.  But, that normally only lasted a couple of seconds.  This went on for hours.
I ended up at Immediate Care and from there to the Emergency Room for almost 12 hours.
“Can you tell us your full name and date of birth?” they said…. for the tenth or twelfth time.
”Yes,” said I.
And they just looked at me quizzically.  It’s not my fault they aren’t asking the correct questions.
They were afraid that I had a heart attack or a stroke or that I was having continuous mini strokes. Even though I told them I had the heart of a 19 year-old, they did an EKG.
“Do you know you have the heart of a 19 year-old?” they said.
”So, I’ve been told.” said I.
So, not a heart attack, moving on we did blood tests, CAT Scans, and finally an MRI on my head.
Two doctors, a Physician’s Assistant, a Nurse Practitioner, and an young male orderly standing in my room, concerned looks on their faces.  This is going to suck, thinks the dragon.
”Everything is perfectly healthy and normal.” They said.
”Except, of course for the whole falling and not walking thing.” said I.
”Yes, yes.  There is that.  We’re going to give you medicine for vertigo.” They said.
”Awesome movie.” said I.
Blank looks and a snicker.  My estimation of the orderly just went way up.
”You’re to take it three times a day.” They said.
”Evenly spaced out throughout the day or just when I feel like it, so long as I get three?” said I.
Another snicker.  I was playing to an audience of one.
Mrs. Dragon says, “Knock it off, Bob.”
The dragon thinks: they’ve been fucking with me for 12 hours and now I’m the one who has to behave?  Life is not fair.
The gaggle of medical professionals, thinking that the show is over, begin to make their way out of the room.  “Here is a script for the medication, follow up with your family doctor, and the orderly will get you to sign the papers and get you checked out.” they said.
”Thank you.” said Mrs. Dragon.
”Okay, let’s get this stuff signed and get you out of here.” says the orderly.  “Can you tell me your full name and date of birth.”
”Yes.” I said.

So, I stayed home today, Wednesday, able to walk a straight line – sort of – but probably not well enough to pass a sobriety test. Hopefully, I’ll be back to work tomorrow, but it’s going to be up to my beloved Mrs. Dragon, also known as the Irish Jail Keeper.  She has made it quite clear that I will pass all her tests before she will allow me to drive myself anywhere.

I should be okay, so long as there is no required dancing or singing.

So, I’ll probably add more to this story later, in the meantime, let’s get the laughter started.

sign laff

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I hate starting new relationships.  I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for 2 months.

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I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding…is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone.”

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Mrs. Dragon: My husband calls me the bomb…Not sure if it’s because I’m super sexy, or I might go off at any minute.

Impish Dragon: Yes dear.

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If you’re 40+, it’s time to leave them young girls alone and get you a woman who understands the signs of a stroke.

Dang!  What are you trying to say, Stephanie!?

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Scientist: Dick bug

Other Scientist: No

Scientist: Penis beetle

Other Scientist: No

Scientist: Cock roach

Other Scientist: Okay, sure

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Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.

Can’t believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.

Don’t blame me…I just repeat them.

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coollogo_com-140101225

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Let’s finish off the  political stuff with this great picture…

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Happy Easter

Well, tomorrow is Easter and it wouldn’t be proper to not share some or our favorite Easter funnies.  Let’s start with a cartoon and then a joke from Papa Dragon Most Senior.

!cid_ii_im7wwa2d0_153ae917bc8b108e

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.  He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately
The rabbit jumps right in front of the car.


The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.  She steps out of the car and asks the man
what’s wrong.

“I feel terrible,” he explains, “I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM.”

The blonde says, “Don’t worry.”

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.  She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.  He runs over to the woman and demands, “What is in that can?  What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?”

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(Last chance)

(Okay, here it is)

It says,

“Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.”

Happy Easter!!!

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I’m so fricking bored!  I’m thinking about knocking on a Jehovah’s Witnesses door and telling them about the power of weed!

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Easter bunny

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Okay, so those were all pretty bad.  Sorry.

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Easter Dragon Eggs xD

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Peep show

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?  Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

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Test drove a jaguar today.  Very fast, but the ride was bumpy and the saddle kept falling off.  And I’m pretty sure he tried to bite me.

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And that’s it for this week.  Have a great day and until we meet again.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

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