Dragon Laffs #1692–Day 7

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Good Morning Campers,

Tuesday

It’s Day 7 of my teleworking and it’s getting easier to do this job from the comfort of my dining room.  I haven’t shaved since this whole thing started.  I decided to grow a teleworking beard.  Yeah.  It’s not a great look for me.  I look more like a gray porcupine.  And it itches!!!!!  I think I’ll give it another week, but … I don’t know.

Busy, bad day yesterday.  We had our first military death from the Coronavirus yesterday.  A New Jersey National Guardsman passed away.  Captain Douglas Linn Hickok, a drilling guardsman and physician’s assistant.  He deserves our praise and thanks.  God Bless you and your family, sir.

It’s already been a busy morning with emails and phone calls and I haven’t even finished my first cup of coffee.  Don’t these people realize I can’t get ANYTHING done Caffiene Molecule Mu;gwithout being properly caffeinated!  This could be disastrous!  These people have no idea what they are messing with!  Oh, by the way, the coffee cup to the left is the caffeine molecule and yes, I’m just nerdy enough to own that coffee cup.  LOL!

So, anyway, perhaps it is time to get some laughs in, since it seems it’s going to be one of those days… so without further ado, let’s laugh!

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Looks like decent parenting to me.  Wow, it’s already late into the afternoon and I’ve been so busy I’ve gotten like nothing done on dragonlaffs today!  What the heck!  Looks like I may be working late into the evening to let you guys know what’s been going on!  Not only that, but I’m still a little behind in my real work…but, the day still has some daylight left, Izzy Dragon is upstairs laughing at something, which really kind of bothers me, I swear she is plotting the takeover of something, and Mrs. Dragon is in the living room watching her murder mystery shows, which really ought to bother me, too.  I think she may be plotting something, too.  Just sayin’

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Oh, how sweet!  He went to Jareds!

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That’s ME!  I want to be “Exiled for the good of the realm!”

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Here’s one from Scott H.  and I have to say, that I clicked on the link and it’s a great one!

Scott H

My wife laughed out loud at “teachers not the problem”. Keep up the good work.
For your listening pleasure a little fun with “Quarantine” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3xpRZITi2w

Thanks Scott!  And thanks for writing, thanks for reading and thanks for the great link!  Glad you’re enjoying the show!

Peter

Love Dragon Laffs !!!!! I’m in Deception Bay, a small village just north of Brisbane, Queensland, Australia. Keep the laffs coming. Regards, Peter.

Thanks Peter!  A reader from down under!  Wow!  That’s awesome, brother!  So glad you are enjoying what I’m sending out.  Tell me, what’s it like down there?  According to the trusty John Hopkins Map, you have over 4500 cases, but only 18 deaths.  You guys are doing really well.  Today, in Indiana alone, we have 2159 cases and 49 deaths.

How about readers from other places around the world?  There we have Deception Bay, Queensland, Australia!  Cool name, by the way!  Anybody else from anywhere else?  I’ve already said I’m from NJ originally and in Indiana currently.  We know that Leah is in Utah and Buddy Tom is in Oregon.  Stephanie I know is down south near New Orleans, Dear Diaman, my adopted mom is now in Connecticut although she is mostly from California, but originally from Mass. 

So, how about the rest of you?

And it wouldn’t be a day without a comment from our dear Leah

Leah D

From you: “My heart is hurting and my emotions are raw,”
Sounds to me, very much like what the medical respondents are saying.
I have a feeling, whereas they are able to tell of the horrors, you aren’t.
That would make for a terrible burden.
So sorry you have to carry such a heavy load.

Oh no my dear Leah!  You and all the others make my burden light!  Yes, I have burdens to carry, as do we all, but our burdens get lighter when they are shared amongst others.  And that is what we are doing here.  Sharing burdens.  Helping each other.  Supporting each other and getting us all through the dark and lonely night.  We will all be there for each other. 

And smile.

And share.

And laugh!

And fuck that Coronavirus!

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So…. not as much of me as in days past, but that’s how it goes some days.  I had a very busy day today with even a trip out to the base thrown in.  Maybe tomorrow will be easier, maybe it will be harder, but it will definitely be tomorrow.  And I will be here to share it with you.

I can’t wait to hear from you.  You can reach me at impishdragon@gmail.com or by leaving a comment here on the blog.  How about being a pal and leaving a star for me.  Today we got 13.  Let’s try and beat that for tomorrow.

Cheers my dear friends.  My love is with you until tomorrow.

Impish Dragon 

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Dragon Laffs #1691-Day 6

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Good Morning Campers,

Well, so much for an ezine for you on Monday.  We were hit by a few storms, butMonday mostly wind!  High winds, gusts over 60 mph which included several hours of power outages and then close to 8 hours of no internet…thankfully, I still had my books…and since I read on my tablet, I didn’t even need a light to read.

Sadly, Mrs. Dragon and Izzy Dragon didn’t fare as well. 
“The lights are out, there’s not TV”
”The internet is out, I can’t play my games”

Sigh…

On the plus side, here in Indiana, our cases of COVID-19 did not reach my estimated growth yesterday, I’m hoping it won’t meet it again today which may mean we are slowing down, or it may mean that my amateur scientific estimations are just off.  On the negative side, I’ve already gotten a few inquiries as to what the government did to us while the power was mysteriously off yesterday.  The power was not mysteriously off yesterday, it was off due to the friggin’ WEATHER!!!  Are you people nuts?!  Okay, so count that as a rhetorical question.

I received a really good essay forwarded by waymore6 that I am going to paraphrase here:

It’s a big eye opener, all of this, isn’t it?
We are finally realizing money has no value.
Your amazing job is no longer an amazing job, your expensive clothes no have no worth, and no one cares how you look anymore.
Your big house is just four empty walls like everyone else’s.
Your nice car is running on four tires, the same as everyone else’s.
We are finally seeing who the important people are, the ones who make a difference to our lives and are doing the crucial jobs we need:
Shop workers
Medical workers
Emergency services
Farmers
Teachers
Truck drivers
Delivery people
Cleaners
Refuse workers
Police
Firemen
You can probably think of more to add to the list.  These are the people who keep our country ticking over, the core of our daily lives, the people who regularly go unnoticed and are often frowned upon but keep working hard, generally on a low income.
I’m proud of all these people, they don’t earn enough for what they do, and they’re never appreciated for what they contribute.
Be kind to them, thank them, go out of your way to them them what an amazing job they’re doing.  Can you imagine how much worse this would be without them?

Thanks for sharing that Waymore, I couldn’t have said it better myself!

If you went out of your way to thank someone for what they are doing, then thank you!  If all of us go that little extra step, think of what a nicer place it would be.  And maybe, if we get used to going that little extra step, it will carry over to when this is done and we will continue to have a much nicer world to live in.  You may have to run out to the shop and only spend a minute or two running in to grab a gallon of milk or a loaf of bread to limit your exposure, but what about that cashier, who’s there for an entire shift, exposing themselves to everyone so that you can run in for that minute?  Don’t they deserve your thanks?  Is it going to take that much out of you to say thanks for being there?  Personally, I think they deserve hazardous duty pay!

Okay, so enough of me jabbering, let’s laugh for a little bit…

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And there it is!  Be the dude!

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Those were some REALLY GOOD mushrooms!

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Oh my… can you imagine!  A new household pet! 

From our buddy Tom in Oregon:

Hi Mr. Dragon; Hope you are still doing well over on the on the other side of the country. Here, in Oregon it isn’t as bad as it is in a lot of places. The last report I saw said there were 414 cases and a total of 13 deaths from the virus. Thirteen doesn’t seem so bad when more than that get shot and die about every other day in Portland. Of course I am just a little red speck in a sea of liberal blue. The media is making it sound like we all be dead very soon. I’m not in Portland and only go there if I really need to. We live in a rural area south of the capital and feel good about it. My daughter is a health care worker and is doing fine with all the problems. She seems to do good under the pressure.

Tom

Hi Tom,

Blessings to your daughter!  May she stay safe and healthy!  The numbers here in Indiana are rising although not as bad as some of the other places in the country.  As of today, we have 1786 cases and 35 deaths in the state.  In my county we now have 3 cases, which has tripled since yesterday, when we only had one.  That sounds like a lot until you think that Indiana has a population of a little of 6.7 million people.  So, on the one hand, that’s still way too many people with the virus, but on the other hand, I think we’re doing a good job of keeping down the spread…or maybe I’m just delusional.  One of the other.

Yes, I do agree that the media is sensationalizing it quite a bit, but on the other hand, I think in some ways that may be a good thing.  Because for some of these lemmings, if we don’t scare the crap out of them, they won’t do what they are supposed to do.

Be well and stay safe.

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Got these from my brother, the Owl yesterday, but I told him how horrible they were…but you know, when you are desperate for something to add to the ezine, you take what you can get, so…thanks Owl!  I also got them from some others, but the Owl sent them first.

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Here’s an email from Joe S.  This one bothers me a little for … well … you read it and decide for yourself!

so glad you are letting us into a little part of your life!!  i really look forward to your updates and appreciate the info you give us on covid 19.  

testicle festivals…yes they are a big thing!   am surprised you did not know about them.  i have never went up to the one in ashland ne.  i only live about an hour away from it.  i hear the crowd is ridiculous!!!  yes growing up we always had pork nuts from cutting the pigs.  i don’t raise hogs, but we still keep the beef nuts and they are sooo good to eat.  clean them, soak the blood out, roll in egg and milk mixture, then cracker crums,  and deep fat fry! mmmmmmm.  i have some in the freezer…mouth is watering just typing about it!!!  rocky mountain oysters is a more “proper” name?    idk   

things are pretty mild around here.  schools are all out.  kids and wife, a teacher, are at home.  college daughter is home.  we don’t go out a lot!  have had to make some trips to the grocery store.  have been building some fences.  keeping the kids busy outside as much as possible.  miss being able to visit my dad.  the nursing home he is in    has been closed to all visitors.  most of the cases in nebraska have been around omaha…about 2 hours north of me.  so far the missouri river is not flooding this year.  that would be a real insult to injury!!

hope you stay well!

always enjoy the ezine

joe

Joe, I’ve eaten a lot of … unusual things in my life, including fried squid on a stick from a street vendor in Spain, but eating another animal’s testicles, for some reason, just seems wrong to me.  Paint me into whatever unaccepting corner you wish, but … nah…. I’ll pass.

Blessings on your wife, teaching is a tough gig.  Is she doing any tele-teaching from home right now?  I’ll bet that is tougher on the teacher than it is on the kidlets.

Sorry to hear about not being able to visit your dad, but it’s probably for the best and will keep him safer. 

Thanks for writing, and keep it up.  Stay safe.

Impish

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Just bumped into a mannequin and said, “sorry.” Then said, “Oh, I thought you were a person.” Then I realized I was still talking to a mannequin.

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Okay, I have to warn you, this next one is rough.  But, maybe we need to hear it. Be prepared:

Make no mistake. When loved ones are removed from your home by ambulance because the virus has hit them hard, you are not going to be able to follow them there, sit by their hospital bed and hold their hand. You are not going to be able to pop in at 7.00 pm for visiting hours. They are going to have no one other than exhausted and brave hospital staff to see them through days or weeks of barely breathing through a ventilator until they either die or recover. They are not going to be well enough to text you.

You are not going to be able to phone the ward to check in on them regularly (staff will be too busy for that). During that time, they will be completely alone, while you sit at home waiting to hear whether they have made it through.

Imagine that person is someone you love dearly. Because it’s going to be a reality for many in the coming weeks.

And if that person in hospital happens to be you, going through that ordeal completely alone would be nothing less than terrifying.

Please stay home and only go out if absolutely necessary. Social distancing is imperative right now, for your family – and for mine.

It is the cold hard truth…and I don’t want that for anyone in my family…and you are ALL my family.

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And speaking of Quentin Tarantino, we saw Once Upon a Time in Hollywood over the weekend.  It came on HBO.  I wasn’t impressed.  I mean, it was okay and all, but it sure wasn’t the movie I expected.  Almost 3 hours of … okaaaaaayyyyyyy …. and then that was it.  I just didn’t get what all the hubbub was about, bub.

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Oh Gawd!  Are we back to the Testicle Festival again!?

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, sorry!

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Same Kroger?

My wife called me at work and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

Sounding concerned, I replied, “No…”

She responded, “How about now?”

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My good buddy Paul sent me this and I want to share it here and now, because I JUST read it and it’s IMPORTANT!!!

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Amen Paul, and thank you!

And I think that’s a really good note to end on today.  I got beat up really badly on phone calls and emails and people needing answers and having questions.  My heart is hurting and my emotions are raw, so I want to say thank you to all of you out there who have helped me by sending me your emails, sending me your comments, sending me your jokes and your funnies that I will share with the rest of you over the coming days.  I know I won’t get a chance to thank enough of you individually, but don’t let that make you think that I don’t appreciate each and every one of you who have taken the time out to send me something or write to me or to even just give me a star at the end of the issue.

Some of you are sending me A LOT and I deeply appreciate that.  Some of you are just giving me a smile, and I deeply appreciate that, too.  And, like Santa, I know when you smile, I can feel it in my heart.

Be well, be safe, stay home.

Love you all, until tomorrow.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

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Dragon Laffs #1690–Day 5

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Good Morning Campers,

So it’s Saturday morning … well, at this point, Saturday afternoon, and I’m stillsaturday working … kind of … monitoring my work station, answering a couple of emails and talking to you guys.

I actually slept in kinda late!  It was after 0900 before I rolled out of bed this morning!  It might have something to do with being woke up at 0400 by Mrs. Dragon who was woken up by a screeching cat right outside our window!  You know, when they howl like a baby wailing in the middle of the night!  My poor dogs were crying and whining and the neighbor’s dogs were barking to beat the band.  Are you surprised that it didn’t wake me up?  Not last night.  You see, there are times when Mrs. Dragon (and of course I would never admit to this in public) snores like a drunken sailor.  Last night was one of those nights so I had my trusty earplugs in….slept like a log.  Had my dogs barked instead of whined, I’d have woken up, you know, like if someone had tried to break into the house. 

Anyway, chased the cat away from the house, which I’m sure the neighbors appreciated since that calmed their dogs down, and everyone got back to sleep.

So, I tried my hand at making a Taco Bell Breakfast Crunch Wrap this morning
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Kinda ugly looking, didn’t taste the same, but overall, not bad.  Will try again tomorrow and see if I can’t improve on my first try.

So, what are you all doing to pass the time?

In the meantime, let’s do some laughing, shall we?

Let's Laugh 2

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For now, the words attributed to Abraham Lincoln, “I laugh because I cannot cry,” have taken on new meaning.

If I didn’t laugh I would cry. Micah Halpern

That’s kind of our mantra around here, now isn’t it?

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“Run a Department?  I wouldn’t trust you to run a bath.”  Yeah, I know guys like that.

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“If your nose runs and you feet smell, then God built you upside-down.”

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I feel like I should be hearing the Darth Vader theme song in the background.

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I’m willing to give him points for ingenuity and effort.

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It says, “When there are no longer masks, but you are mechanical.”

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So, I had to run out to the base today (still Saturday) and yes, it’s the weekend, but it was still kind of eerie.  Very quiet. Cops and firemen and such.  Couple of people moving around because we still have a mission to accomplish, but is was still weird.  I grabbed a couple of things that I needed.  Checked our mail drop to see if anything had come in that I needed to take care of.  Saw a couple of other people doing the same thing.  I guess other people figured like I did that the best way to maintain the social distancing was to go in and do things when other people aren’t normally there.  Funny thing was while I was driving there and back I saw a lady out jogging and I thought, yeah, she’s okay because there’s no one with her and she’s safe.  She’s on well traveled roads and such.  I also saw two boys on a side street, probably brothers, out throwing a baseball back and forth to each other and thought yeah they’re cool. 

So you see, there are people doing things.  Things are going along.  Maybe not at the same pace that they had been, but maybe that’s not such a bad thing. 

Okay, so I just had all my electronic devices go off at the same time.  Scared the living crap out of me!  I guess I’m now under a severe thunderstorm/hail/high wind/and possibly a tornado watch!  Lovely!  It could get exciting here in Northern Indiana folks!  More to follow.  LOL!

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So storm checklist…take dogs out. check

okay, all done

Now, on to more laughter

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Not gonna start a 2nd Amendment discussion here…not now anyway, but suffice it to say that this is a well armed household.

And here’s a funny from Bill…

A cardinal, a bishop and a priest were at the train station awaiting a train to Pittsburgh. The priest was elected to purchase the tickets. The ticket seller was a very well endowed young lady. He couldn’t take his eyes off her chest and requested “three pickets to titsburg”.

Immediately he realized his error and ran back to advise the others what had happened. The bishop decided that he could sort things out and proceeded to the ticket counter. He could easily see the problem that the young priest had. He carefully enunciated that he wanted three tickets to Pittsburgh and gave the clerk money. She asked how he would like the change and he replied “nipples and dimes”.

He was so embarrassed that he immediately returned to tell the cardinal what had happened. The cardinal approached the clerk and told her that “two of my men have tried to obtain three tickets to Pittsburgh. You have the money. I would like the tickets and I don’t care how you give the change”. However, he felt that he should advise the young lady that her manner of dress was not appropriate. “Are you aware that your outfit is such that you put evil thoughts in the mind of every young man who sees you. You may think it funny now, but some day you will die. When you arrive at the Pearly Gates you will be met by St. Finger who will point his peter at you….”

Keep smiling,

Bill

And we will Bill, we will…

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The biggest condom producer in the world is now projecting a global shortage of the popular prophylactics as the coronavirus has forced a halt in production, Reuters reports

Makes all those jokes about a baby boom in 9 months all the more likely, doesn’t it. 

roflmao

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And there it is… dating in the 2020’s!

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Let’s check the mail….

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First up is Leah D…

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Those people who get their left hand cut off, starve. Food is served from a communal pot, in which each person dips their hand. Only right hands are allowed to dip into the pot. I know there is a political joke trying to build itself using the ‘right’ definition, but I haven’t had enough coffee this morning!

And even though it’s now afternoon for me and the sky is starting to darken a little, yeah, I don’t want to go there either.  But, thanks Leah!

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Loved the ending from Lynn.The thing sent from Martha A didn’t come through. The space was there, but no message.Love you.

Hi ya Girl Friend!  Another nursey friend from down south.  I don’t know, I saw it on my page, came through just fine.  Anyone else have any trouble reading Martha’s message?  For those of you who may have missed it, it said “Keep up the funny stuff … us nurses need it as we go and play Russian Roulette 12 hours a day!”  And yes, I loved the ending from Lynn, too!  Way too funny!

Diaman M

Fantastic issues…Mom

Aww, thanks Mom!  Love you!

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Okay, that got really boring really fast!

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People suck.  Just read about a company in Austin, Texas that is asking their employees to sign a form that they would agree to waive their pay for the time that they got their stimulus checks from the government, in exchange for not losing their jobs and that the company would take half of the $500 for each of their kids.  Half the company is already laid off, the only chance these people have to get caught up are these checks and the company wants to take them.  Oh, and you gotta keep working.

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Now, I want this to be a clean fight!

Okay, so a shorter update for today, maybe a longer one tomorrow, we’ll see.  But, I’m signing off for now.

Until next time.

Love to you all, stay safe.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Dragon Laffs #1689–Day 4

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Good Morning Campers,

And welcome to Day 4… Friday… Which you are reading on Saturday…

I ran to the store first thing this morning and they seemed to have everything…everything that is, except what I went for.  Distilled water.  There was plenty of regular water, meat, groceries, toilet paper, everything except distilled water which I use in my CPAP machine.  I’m not out yet and I don’t use very much each day, and at a push I can use regular water, but it’s odd that now for over a week, that is the one thing that hasn’t been restocked.

And today the United States became the number one infected country in the world with the COVID 19 virus… says so right there on the John Hopkins University map.  The one that everyone is using as being the most accurate account … and it is.  But, let’s be realistic.  It can only be as accurate as the numbers that are being reported.  The United States has the highest numbers because we are reporting the highest numbers and why are we reporting the highest numbers?  Well, a couple of reasons.  #1, we are the most honest.  #2, we have the most test kits because we are spending the money to make the test kits.  Now, I’m not saying that Italy isn’t honest or spending the money.  They are both of those things, but we are a lot bigger than Italy is so it is only logical for us to pass them, but for us to pass China?  The place where it started?  The place that caused this whole mess to begin with?  You know they aren’t being honest, hell half their country isn’t reporting anything.  So, you know we haven’t really surpassed them. 

And in all honesty, the numbers are just an indicator.  There’s a hell of a lot more people sick with this virus than the numbers show.  There are people who have this who have no idea they have this, who are merrily passing it along, that’s why it’s so important for you to stay home and stay safe.  WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS!  I PROMISE.  But please don’t think it’s nothing.  Please don’t think it’s a fake.  It might be hyped up by the press, but it’s still dangerous and you need to stay home and protect yourselves and your families.

Okay, enough serious stuff for now, we have all day for more serious stuff, let’s do some smiling, shall we?

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STOP!!!! What the fuck is a Testicle Festival!?!?  According to Wikipedia…

Testicle festival

A visitor consuming a deep-fried testicle at the Tiro Testicle Festival

A testicle festival is an event held at several small towns which the featured activity is the consumption of animal testicles, usually battered and fried.[1]

The oldest such festival takes place in Byron, Illinois, US and features turkey testicles. Similar festivals in the US are held in Deerfield, Michigan; Olean, Missouri; Tiro, Ohio; Oakdale, California; Ashland, Nebraska; Huntley, Illinois; Stillwater, Oklahoma;[3]Salmon, Idaho[4] Clinton, Montana, and Dundas, Wisconsin some of which feature cattle testicles.[5][6] The Montana State Society has held an annual ‘Rocky Mountain Oyster Festival’ in Clinton, Montana since 2005.

Every year in September the villages of Ozrem and Lunjevica in the municipality of Gornji Milanovac, Serbia, hosts the World Gonad Cooking Championship. The festival serves up a variety of testicles, including wildlife. It also gives awards for “ballsy” news makers. U.S. President Barack Obama and pilot Chesley Sullenberger won awards in 2010.

Oh my dear Lord…………….  Okay …………….. um ………………. ahem …………….. I’m gonna go get another cup of coffee ……… ah ………… liberally strengthened with my brother Jameson’s favorite additive ……… and you guys go ahead and continue on without me for a few …………. (Can we PLEASE go back to boobies!)

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Okay, so …. shhh! …. I shouldn’t tell you guys this, but I trust you … and being in the Air Force … and being a super secret dragon like I am … and seeing as how the Air Force runs Area 51 and all … I’m gonna let you know what really is out there …. but you have to promise not to tell …. anyone!

Not ANYONE!

So, the last time I was out there … hold on… there’s someone at the door…

So, I’m back.  Sorry, as I was saying.  The Alaskan muskrat is an amazing animal.  It … sorry?  What do you mean, that’s not what we were talking about?  Area 51?  No, I don’t know shit about Area 51.  Okay, moving on to more laughter and that’s the LAST TIME ANY OF YOU WILL SAY ANYTHING ABOUT AREA 51!!!! ARE WE CLEAR ON THAT!!!!!

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Thanks to John S. for this next history lesson:

This is a bit of history that will truly make us thankful.

We definitely need to thank the Chinese.

1. The first recorded use of toilet paper was in 6th Century China.
2. By the 14th Century, the Chinese government was mass-producing it.
3. Packaged toilet paper wasn’t sold in the United States until 1857.
4. Joseph Gayety, the man who introduced packaged TP to the U.S., had his name printed on every sheet.
5. Global toilet paper demand uses nearly 30,000 trees every day.
6. That’s 10 million trees a year.
7. It wasn’t until 1935 that a manufacturer was able to promise Splinter-Free Toilet Paper. Ouch!
8. Seven percent of Americans admit to stealing rolls of toilet paper from hotels.
9. Americans use an average of 8.6 sheets of toilet paper per trip to the bathroom.
10. The average roll has 333 sheets.
11. Historically, what you use to wipe depended on your income level.
12. In the Middle Ages, they used something called a gompf stick, which was just an actual stick used to scrape. Ouch again!
13. Wealthy Romans used wool soaked in rose water, and French royalty used lace.
14. Other things that were used before toilet paper include hay, corn cobs, sticks, stones, sand, moss, hemp, wool, husks,fruit peels, ferns, sponges, seashells, knotted ropes, and broken pottery (ouch!). Ouch is right!  Holy fucking Ouch!
15. 70-75% of the world still doesn’t use toilet paper because it is too expensive or there is not sufficient plumbing.  Okay, wait!  If there isn’t sufficient plumbing for the paper, where does the rest go?
16. In many Western European countries, bidets are seen as more effective and preferable to toilet paper.
17. Colored toilet paper was popular in the U.S. until the 1960s. I find no esthetic value in the color of my ass wipe paper.
18. The reason toilet paper disintegrates so quickly when wet is that the fibers used to make it are very short.
19. On the International Space Station, they still use regular toilet paper, but it has to be sealed in special containers and compressed.
20. During Desert Storm, the U.S. Army used toilet paper to camouflage their tanks.
21. In 1973, Johnny Carson caused a toilet paper shortage. He said as a joke that there was a shortage, which there wasn’t, until everyone believed him and ran out to buy up the supply. It took three weeks for some stores to get more stock.
22. There is a contest sponsored by Charmin to design and make wedding dresses out of toilet paper. The winner gets $2,000.
23.. There was a toilet paper museum in Wisconsin, The Madison Museum of Bathroom Tissue, but it closed in 2000.
24. The museum once had over 3,000 rolls of TP from places all over the world, including The Guggenheim, Ellis Island, and Graceland.
25. There is still a virtual toilet paper museum called Nobody’s Perfect.
26. In 1996, President Clinton passed a Toilet Paper Tax of 6 cents per roll which is still in effect today. Why doesn’t that surprise me?
27. The Pentagon uses, on average, 666 rolls of toilet paper per day. That’s a scarily surprising number.
28. The most expensive toilet paper in the world is the Portuguese brand, Renova.
29. Renova is three-ply, perfumed, costs $3 per roll, and comes in several colors including black, red, blue, and green.  I’m from Hollywood, I have to have it!
30. The CEO of Renova came up with the idea for black toilet paper while he was at a Cirque du Soleil show.
31. Beyonce uses only red Renova toilet paper.  Told ya!
32. Kris Jenner uses only the black Renova toilet paper. Yup!
33. If you hang your toilet paper so you can pull it from the bottom, you’re considered more intelligent than someone who pulls it from the top. (Wonder how this was determined?) roflmao!
34. Koji Suzuki, a Japanese horror novelist best known for writing The Ring, had an entire novel printed on a single roll of toilet paper.
35. The novel takes place in a public bathroom, and the entire story runs approximately three feet long.
36. When asked what necessity they would bring to a desert island, 49% of people said toilet paper before food.
37. Queen Elizabeth II wipes her royal bottom with silk handkerchiefs. Wonder if the royal chambermaid gets to wash those?? Yeah, sure wouldn’t want that job!
38. Muslims wipe their bums with their bare hand— always the left hand. They eat with their right hand. If you are caught shop-lifting, your right hand is cut off, forcing you to eat with your poopy left hand. Yeeeechdt!  They have oil and plenty of money, they can’t afford some of that expensive colored toilet paper?

Okay, waaayyyy more than you ever wanted to know about TP!

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It seems as though our campers are now beginning to wax poetic with the enforced homeboundedness….okay, so spellcheck is telling me that homeboundedness is not really a word, but I like it none-the-less.  So, put your hands together for Bill the Poet who has a poem for us…

The portions of a woman that appeal to man’s depravity

Have been constructed with considerable care.

And what appears to be a simple hole or cavity

Is really quite an elaborate affair.

 

Now, doctors of distinction who have studied these phenomena

On numerous experimental dames

Have labeled all the portions of female abdomina

And have given them lovely Latin names.

 

There’s the vulva, the vagina, the jolly perineum and

The hymen which is seldom found in brides.

There are lots of little gadgets you’d love if you could see them,

The clitoris and heaven knows what besides.

 

Now isn’t it a pity when we common people chatter

Of the lovely things to which I’ve just referred

That they give to this so vital and so elegant a matter

That we use such a derisive sort of word.

 

I really enjoy Dragon Laffs and thought that you could use this poem.

 

All the best.

 

Bill

 

Thanks Bill!

 

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Mail Call 1

Hey, let’s go to the mail box, because I got a comment from a very special person last night.  A person who is very special to me….let’s take a look:

Marsha A

Keep up the funny stuff….us nurses need it as we go and play Russian roulette 12 hours a day !

Thanks Marsha!  You guys are the ones who need to be applauded and thanked for all that you do!  Nurses have a VERY special place in my heart.  My mom was an RN and some of my very best friends wear scrubs and you guys, like firemen and cops, run into danger, instead of away from it.402

Now, you know I have a spot for the military as well, but we aren’t going there right now, we all need to stand up and applaud these medical professionals who go out and play Russian Roulette on a daily basis FOR US!

applause

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Thank you for all that you do! 

And look … another comment came in from our dear camper friend  Leah in Utah!  You may not know it, but in the midst of all this Coronavirus stuff, a lot of the people in Utah also dealt with a friggin’ earthquake lately!  Talk about adding insult to injury!

Leah D.

Many of my family are working at home. My oldest granddaughter’s company moved her entire work station to her home. HOWEVER, they didn’t bring her chair! She is begging for an office chair. Since I’ve been thinking about getting a new one, I will buy one online, have it delivered to her apartment. When all of this MADNESS ends, I will take it, give her my old one.

Utah had the best economy in the US, before this. Companies were begging for workers. Now, unemployment has jumped to 20,000!
So all the old people, like me, are in quarantine. I keep thinking that for those grandkids, who still have to leave their house, go out in the middle of the virus to work, we should be keeping the great grandkids here, living with us… did I actually use the word thinking?

Grandkids are one of the greatest gifts God can give us, mostly because unlike kids, when we get tired of them we can pack them up, and send them home to mom and dad…I really can’t think of what my house would be like right now if I was trying to work and I had my three little monster… I mean, adorable grandkids running around at the same time.  Oh my Leah…I don’t know what you are thinking of dear?

And remember, you can reach me by dropping a comment on the website or by emailing me at impishdragon@gmail.com. I want to hear from you.  Tell me how you’re dealing with staying at home.  Tell me how you’re dealing period.  We’ll poke fun together.

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I think, I’m going to lose my drivers license… and all just because
of a stupid police officer…The conversation went like this, when I
got pulled over in my car:
Officer: “License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!”
Me: “I assure you, I did not drink anything.”
Officer: “Ok, let’s do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on
a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?”
Me: “A car.”
Officer:”Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?”
Me:”I have no idea!”
Officer:”So, you’re drunk.”
Me:”But I didn’t drink anything.”
Officer:”Okay, one more test — Imagine, you drive in the dark on a
highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?
Me:”A motorcycle.”
Officer:”Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?”
Me:”I have no idea!”
Officer:”As I suspected, you’re drunk!”
Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
Me:”So…, counter question — You’re driving in the dark on a
highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini
skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top.
What is this?”
Officer:”A prostitute of course.”
Me:”Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?”

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date coming right up…

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You wanna watch your spouse flip out?  Clean that junk drawer out!

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burning calories

burnout

Buttons

Buy a Guitar

Buzzkill

caffeine (2)

Caffeine (3)

20th?  Lightweight!

caffeine

Camera Phone

Camo Cat

Camouflage

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camping

For you younger campers out there … here’s a quick look into married life:

 

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Appropriate even before the Coronavirus!

A man is staying in a hotel.
He walks up to the front desk and says, “I’m sorry, I forgot what room I’m in, can you help me?”
The receptionist replies, “No problem sir.  This is the lobby.”

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More and more closures and stay at home information.  My work place is now Mission Essential Personnel Only.  Not sure what that entails just yet, but glad I’m working from home.  I’m sure if I’m needed I can be there in a few minutes and in the mean time I’m here where I’m safe.  Right where you should be as well.

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3b

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Respect!  Those are actually some pretty good lyrics!
You youngsters may get that one with the resurgence of Queen lately.

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I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say … um … no.

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I hear ya, bro!

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No kidding… I see a left wing conspiracy afoot!

Woke up feeling great!
I’m so ready for another big day of hand washing and
looking out the window!

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Imagine surviving all this unprotected sex only to die of unprotected handshake.

404

Yeah, because we’re idiots…. and speaking of being idiots.  Izzy dragon told me of what the latest viral challenge is going around.  The “kids” are challenging each other to go around and licking a public toilet seat!  Can you imagine the stupidity.  Like eating tide pods.  She told me of a video of a twenty-something guy who had a video of himself licking a toilet seat and then a week later another video of the same guy from a hospital bed crying that he had the coronavirus … can we all say it together …

0a


The challenge started on Tik-tok, big surprise there!  Can you toe-scum idiots not understand how stupid this is?  I’ll not mention his name here, because I don’t want to give this orc-brained nose-picker any kind of mention, but he’s one of those fuck heads who taped himself licking ice cream and then putting it back in the freezer.  All I can say is, I hope he never procreates, our species does NOT need his genes in our pool!

The really scary thought is that they can vote!

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Now I KNOW  a bunch of youngsters won’t get that reference!

And now I’m going to end this issue with an absolutely hilarious post from our camper Lynn! She even included a picture for us:

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Last night on my evening walk, I completely lost my mind because ahead of me was a white rabbit sitting upright, waiting for me on my path. I could not believe it.

I took out my phone to take its photo. It didn’t move, I wondered if it was an early Easter decoration, but it was too far down on the road and not in front of a home.

I thought–it’s frightened so it’s staying still, take it slow. I walked up to it little by little, carefully, not to frighten it.

Friends, I just spent a very slow ten minutes walking up to a plastic bag of dog poop.

I’m not sure what social distancing is doing to you, but I’m apparently hallucinating white rabbits…

Thanks Lynn, that’s the perfect way to end today’s issue!  You guys all take care, be 412well, stay safe, remember your social distancing and beware of white rabbits!

Cheers!

Impish Dragon!

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Dragon Laffs #1688–Day 3

Header1688

Good Morning Campers,

Coffee

I gotta have coffee!

Death before dishonor, nothing before coffee!  That’s our mantra around here! 

Well, it all got exciting last night after I left you guys alone.  Got phone calls, and messages, and I was behind this silly control station until 2300 hrs. (That’s 11 pm to you civilian types)  And all I kept thinking was that I should open this computer up and talk to you guys, but I was too busy.  I’d tell you what was going on, but it was all top- secret-military-secret-squirrel “I’d tell you but then I’d have to kill you” sorta stuff.

No it wasn’t.  It was mostly bullshit, but it had to be done and sadly, it had to be done by me.  But, that’s why I get paid the little bucks.

Oh, and before I go on to the next thing, I just had to share this with you, I read a thing on NPR, and no, I have NO IDEA how I started getting an NPR email, but it shows up, I read it for a good laugh, and move on, but they were complaining about the fact that they hadn’t heard anything out of the CDC for like two weeks.  It was like where has the Centers for Disease Control gone?  Um…. my first thought is…Did you ever think that they’re Friggin’ BUSY?!?!

Geez!

Anyway, Let’s let you guys laugh, while I take care of some stuff, get some more caffeine, ‘cause God knows I’m cranky until I’m properly caffeinated.  So, …

blank dragon14 

411

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!   That really looks like it hurts!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Okay, so I hate the fact that Word Press took away my ability to post videos on here…or it was YouTube or somebody did, so the best I can do is put links, but this one is so funny and so creative you just have to go see this person’s Facebook post: https://www.facebook.com/1841217619/posts/10212772229500854/

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Yup, that’s gonna be a problem for a lot of us now.

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Wow, now that’s been an interesting day.  Several hours…. like 6 … have gone by since I’ve been able to be back here, it’s been that busy of a day.  I’ve been inudated with phone calls and text messages and emails…. but that’s what it’s all about.  I’m glad I can be helping people.  Otherwise I’m just sitting here working on plans and checklists and well …. I’ve done an awful lot of that today, too.

But it’s all in good fun…well … not fun, fun … but … well … you know what I mean.  Let’s get back to the fun, shall we?

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Hell yes.  That does it for me!  I’m indoors!  Although …. I can’t see that working here.  Some of you are right now thinking … I wonder what lion tastes like with a little barbeque sauce.  I KNOW you are!

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Especially if they have kids like this Calvin…

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Yeah, the memories of the beatings…

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Gotta love the irony of a generation raised on making prank phone calls only to be terrorized by daily robo-calls now.

Yeah….. we kinda did that one to ourselves!

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Without mentioning names or going into details, so as not to get anyone into trouble, a camper has a relative who works in a place that is involved in testing for the virus and he wrote to our camper and said:

Much like the toilet paper shortages, testing supplies are gone. They are trying to triage testing to make it available when needed, but have to limit it until supplies are available. It’s hard and people will die, but that’s the reason people can’t be requesting it on their own. Healthy people have literally been going to hospitals wanting to be screened. Originally the test was to track the spread and where it was. They are working tirelessly to increase testing capacity and make things more available, but they will never keep up if people don’t practice social distancing

And what have I been telling you guys from the begging?  STAY HOME!  That’s the only way we are going to see our way through this thing.  Keep yourself and your families safe.  Sure, YOU may be young and strong, but are your parents?  Your friends?  How about your friends’ parents?  How about your baby-sitter’s sister’s boy-friend’s parents?  You don’t think you can affect them?

THINK AGAIN!!!!!

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It’s storming outside right now and my older dog is crying under the table I’m working at…so yeah… I can see that.  Easily, I can see that.

419

Okay, time to do some of these….

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Breasts

Wait…. um…..

Breasts2

Stop…. didn’t we … um….

Breasts3

Okay, quit!  We did boobs the other day!  And besides!  I completely out of those kinds of posters, so on to other stuff!

Brilliance

British P

brokeback mountain2

Budget Crisis

Budget_Cuts

Buffer Spells

Buffy

Bullshit

Yup, some of us can probably even make a living at it.

Bumpy Road

No!  Get thee behind me boobage!  (But, slowly please.  Hey!  I am a guy after all)

bunnies

Bunnies2

Bunny

OMG, you sick bastard.
How can you put bunnies and boobies in the same section?
And you are talking about eating the bunnies?!

Seriously?  You are making this WAY too easy on me.

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Yup…. there you go

the perfect response

Mail Call 1

Well, mail is down today.  I guess yesterday’s issue was disappointing so no one wanted to comment on it.  SO FINE!  I SEE HOW YOU ALL ARE!  I’M SITTING HERE BUSTING MY … Okay, wait….I’m really not.  I’m working from home.  Living the good life.  Relaxing.  Okay, well, that’s not true either.  Probably somewhere in-between.  And the one comment I got kinda goes to prove that.  From on old buddy of mine…

SMSgt Chuck Gill

Bob, you sound so much better now that you have a bit of time for your self. More like the Bob I used to work with way back back when. Be well my friend and don’t let the beer virus get ya down! CG

Chuck, you old scoundrel how the heck are you?  Long time brother.  Yeah, it’s nice to have a little extra time.  It’s nice to be able to turn from one computer to another and to be able to share with friends and loved ones.  Can’t really do that on the base so much…but here at the house…especially when I’ve already put in like 10 hours today and the day is still young, lol.  Hope you are doing well.

Chuck is an old friend from way back and a connoisseur of fine coffee.  Miss you brother.  Stay safe.  Stay at home.

Now, back to the laughs.

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And yet another instance of where our younger campers may not get it.

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One of these days that’s going to happen around here… I just know it.

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And with that image planted firmly in your head to get you through till tomorrow, that will be the end for me for today.  Remember.  You can reach me at impishdragon@gmail.com …. I’m going to run out jokes and stuff pretty quick this way if you guys don’t send me stuff to pass on to the rest of you guys so we can all stay happy and sane while we are STAYING AT HOME!

But remember most of all.  You are loved.  You are cared for.  You are in someone’s heart.  And I got a pretty big heart!

Cheers! My brothers and sisters, until tomorrow when we’ll spend the day together again.

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment