Dragon Laffs

Today is Saturday … well … for me. For you it’s Monday … and while you’re reading this, I’m probably on my way to the dentist to get one fifth of my teeth looked at.

I only have five of them left in my head and one of them is giving me fits! How is that even right!!!

Anyway, more important things to talk about…

Gonna try to get as much of this knocked out this morning as I can, gonna be a busy day for me today. Izzy dragon wants to go shopping this afternoon and then I have a meeting to go to with Holly over a donation place that she’s involved with, then I might be home in time tonight to work on it a little bit more. Then tomorrow there is church and immediately afterwards Holly and I are going to go to the hospital to visit the guy I told you about who hit the deer on his motorcycle. Problem is that’s a 3 hour round trip. So there might be a little time tomorrow night to finish this up. SOOOO…. Let’s jump right in, shall we?

This is so cool! What I had done twice!

Dang! Not in any grocery story around here!!!

Oh! That’s gotta hurt!

I wish people would just learn to understand that!

I did know!

Having finally won her heart, Quasimodo marries Esmerelda. 

Quasimodo comes home from a hard day of ringing bells and his wife has made a delicious stir-fry.

“Great!” he says.

Next night he comes home from work, and it’s stir-fry again.

“Just as delicious as last night,” he says.

Next night — stir-fry again. “Tastes great, but I’m getting kind of  sick of stir-fry again,” he says.

Next night — stir-fry again.

“Listen,” he says, “tomorrow make whatever you want, as long as it’s not stir-fry.”

Next day he leaves work early (asking an assistant to ring vespers for him) so that he can catch her before she begins cooking. 

He walks in the front door and there she is, taking the wok down off the rack. 

“Aha!” he says. “You’re going to make stir-fry again!” 

“Don’t be silly,” she says. “I’m going to iron your shirts.” 

No kidding! It’s called “white coat hypertension” and it means that your blood pressure goes up at the doctor’s office. A LOT of us suffer from it. I had a heck of a time convincing my doctor to lower my blood pressure meds when I lost so much weight because in her office my BP was perfect … which means in real life it was low, because in her office it was always a bit high because I suffer from the same thing.

I’m not sure if that last one is true or not, but it sounds absolutely awesome! I think it should be adopted world wide!

Maine Laws

You may not step out of a plane in flight.

Like many other laws, my question is, what precepted this to make it into a law?

Once upon a time, there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered some grains of wheat. 

She called her neighbours and said, “If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. 

Who will help me plant it?”
 

“Not I,” said the cow.
“Not I,” said the duck.
“Not I,” said the pig.
“Not I,” said the goose.
 
Then I will,” said the little red hen. And she did. 

The wheat grew tall and ripened into golden grain. 

“Who will help me reap my wheat?” asked the little red hen. 

“Not I,” said the duck.
“Out of my classification,” said the pig.
“I’d lose my seniority,” said the cow.
“I’d lose my unemployment compensation,” said the goose. 

“Then I will,” said the little red hen, and she did.

At last it came time to bake the bread. “Who will help me bake the bread?” asked the little red hen.

“That would be overtime for me,” said the cow.
“I’d lose my welfare benefits,” said the duck.
“I’m a dropout and never learned how,” said the pig.
“If I’m to be the only helper, that’s discrimination,” said the goose. 

“Then I will,” said the little red hen.

She baked five loaves and held them up for her neighbors to see.

They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. 

But the little red hen said, “No, I can eat the five loaves.”


“Excess profits” cried the cow.
“Capitalist leech” screamed the duck.
“I demand equal rights” yelled the goose.
And the pig just grunted. 

And they painted “unfair” picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities. 

When the government agent came, he said to the little red hen, “You must not be greedy.”

“But I earned the bread,” said the little red hen.

“Exactly,” said the agent. “That is the wonderful free enterprise system. 

Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide their product with the idle.”

And they lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, “I am grateful. I am grateful.”

But her neighbours wondered why she never again baked any more bread.

And that, dear children, is yet another example of why socialism will never work and never has.

QUESTION:

You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes
around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities.
In your hand is a .357 Magnum and you are an expert shot. You have
mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? 

LIBERAL ANSWER:

Well that’s not enough information to answer the question! Does the
man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is
inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think?
What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and
knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this
situation? Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me? Does he 
definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away
while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate
this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion. 
I really need to feel this person’s pain. Uggggggh! Arggghhh!

CONSERVATIVE ANSWER:

BANG!

Late one night during bad weather, the following was heard over the radio at an airport control tower: 

Helicopter Pilot: “Tower, I’m holding at 3000 over Heli-pad 1.” 

Second voice: “NO!!! You can’t be doing that! I’m holding at 3000 over that pad!” 

There was a brief moment of silence.

First voice again: “You idiot! You’re my co-pilot!”

Karl and Milly were tucked into bed. Karl was already half-unconscious, drifting into a deep sleep, but Milly was feeling nostalgic and romantic.

She sighed softly, nudging him. “Remember when we were courting? You used to hold my hand.”

With a heavy, exhausted sigh, Karl blindly reached over, squeezed her hand for a brief second, and let his arm drop like a stone.

A minute passed. “And then,” Milly whispered wistfully, “you used to kiss me.”

Mildly irritated, Karl rolled over, gave her a swift, dry peck on the cheek, and immediately buried his face back into his pillow.

Not thirty seconds later, she sighed again. “And then… you used to bite my neck.”

Karl snapped. He threw back the heavy comforter, swung his legs out of bed, and stood up in the dark.

“Where on earth are you going?” Milly asked.

Karl groaned, “To get my damn teeth.”

Yeah….funny how that works, innit?

So…what you’re saying is that the greatest thing since sliced bread BEFORE sliced bread was WRAPPED bread?

Maryland, Baltimore

It is illegal to throw bales of hay from a second story window within the city limits. 

Again, I have to ask, “Why?”

What a beautiful sentiment for everyone!

Notes For The Milkman in England

“Dear Milkman, I’ve just had a baby, please leave another one.” 

Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.”

Please don’t leave any more milk. All they do is drink it”

Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.”

Milkman. please could I have a loaf but not bread today.”

Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I’ve been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.” 

Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn’t mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.”

When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you ‘to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

Please knock. My TV’s broken down and I missed last nights Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened.” 

My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle.”

Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.” 

Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.” 

From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don’t want any milk.”

My back door is open. Please put milk in ‘fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.”

Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.”

When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door.
PS. Don’t leave any milk.

No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.”

And that’s it! While waiting for Izzy I got the whole thing done! And that means a very short afternoon for Izzy cause now it’s going on 1 pm and she’s still not done. Sigh. So, gonna get off here and take care of some other things. Talk to you again on Thursday my friends, until then…

And it’s Thursday! I know … for you guys it’s Saturday, but for me, it’s Thursday and I’m not near as far ahead as I like to be. I might have to cut down on the size of these issues until I can get caught back up again. Man, this whole having a little bit of a girl friend is cutting into my Dragon Laffs time! What’s a dragon to do?

I know, I can hear what you guys are saying…eat the girl friend and be done with it, but I can’t do that. I kinda like her. Not that I think that anything serious will ever come out of it. We’re old people for crying out loud. (Not THAT old!!!) But still. I don’t know that anyone would ever replace Mary in my heart, but at the same time, it’s nice to have someone to hold hands with and such. I don’t even know why I’m talking to you guys about this other than the fact that you guys are the ones I talk to about everything…so there’s that.

Anyway, to the original topic, I’m going to continue to try to push these out, but with the Air Show coming and as overworked as I am. I just had a dear friend wreck his motorcycle … not sure if I told you that story or not. He hit a deer and now has half his ribs busted (12 of 24) a busted shoulder, broken vertebrae, collapsed lung, had to be airlifted to the hospital and will be in ICU for the next week or so. I am going to try to drive up to see him in the next couple of days amidst all the other things I have going on. It’s about 140 miles or so, round trip. Asked Holly if she wanted to go with me for the ride, but trying to line our schedules up to do that in the next two or three days is proving problematic.

She was surprised when my car didn’t smell that badly of cigar smoke but she bought me little sachet thingy to absorb the smell anyway. She doesn’t like the smell of smoke. I told her that they were just little cherry cigars, not big old stinky cubans. I save those for out back. LOL! It’s my one and only bad habit I have left in human form. We’re all entitled to one.

I have a dentist appointment on Monday.

I have like five flippin’ teeth left in my mouth and I have a tooth ache! What in the motherless clam shell is up with that!!! That is JUST NOT RIGHT!!

Okay, enough. Need to get this road on the show. Let’s do this thing, shall we?

This meme is not about teeth!

I was reading how a female spider will eat the male spider after mating. 

I guess female spiders know that life insurance is easier to collect than child support. 

Bernie and Esther were not the most religious Jews and in fact they really only went to Temple once a year. 

As they were leaving the Temple, the Rabbi said, “Bernie, it sure would be nice to see you and Esther here more than once a year!”

“I know,” replied Bernie, “but at least we keep the Ten Commandments.”

“That’s great,” the Rabbi said. “I’m glad to hear that you keep the Commandments.”

“Yep,” Bernie said proudly, “Esther keeps six of them and I keep the other four.”

I have to wonder how many youngsters can even identify what that is?

I can still hear the song!

Out of office messages

1. I am currently away from my desk, beating my head against the wall.  
Your message will be replied to once I have reached a level of numbness sufficient to cloud my vision to the point I am able to formulate an appropriate response to your request.

2. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. 
If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. 
Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.  
When I return, please refer to me as ‘Margaret’ instead of ‘Phil.’

I feel like there are times that I should be using #1

A newlywed couple was enjoying a beautiful, sun-drenched honeymoon in the tropics. On their third afternoon, tragedy struck: while snorkeling reef-side, the husband was suddenly attacked and killed by a massive shark.

The beach was in absolute chaos. When the paramedics arrived, they did their best to handle the grim scene and console those nearby. One of the first responders walked over to a visibly shaken resort guest who had witnessed the whole thing.

“It’s an absolute tragedy,” the paramedic sighed, shaking his head solemnly. “But if it’s any consolation, we can at least take comfort in knowing he didn’t suffer for very long.”

The guest looked up, wiping away a tear. “Really? How can you possibly know that so quickly?”

The paramedic looked down at his clipboard and shrugged. “Well, he’d only been married three days.”

One of the jobs I could’ve had in my Air Force Career Field was this one! The operative word being could have.

Visiting the modern art museum an old lady turned to an attendant standing nearby. 

“This,” she said, “I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?” 

“No madam,” replied the attendant. “That one’s called a mirror.” 

And that’s it my friends. Put this one to bed and start the next one tomorrow. Until next time.

Today is Sunday and what a 24 hours it’s been! Took Holly to a wedding of a dear friend 24 hours ago, Saturday night and the sky opened up like God was trying to refloat Noah’s Ark! Oh…and of course, it was an outdoor wedding. Then the thunder and lightning and I had to remind everyone that if you were going to hold onto the tents, don’t hold onto the big metal poles that are stuck into the ground and pointing way up in the air. Luckily no one got electrocuted and God stopped the rain before we needed and boat and the wedding went off without a hitch.

Then this morning, Holly went with me to church for the first time. I went to her church a couple of weeks ago. She really like our church. I like her church. So I can see us doing the back and forth thing a little bit. I can’t go to her church when she is doing communion … for some reason. I’ll have to ask her about that and she can’t go to mine when I’m on security because I don’t actually sit in the congregation and she can’t be with me and would be uncomfortable sitting by herself in a church that isn’t hers.

And now it’s Tuesday. It’s been a wild couple of days and I really need to get a move on if there’s going to be an issue ready for Thursday. Took my Angelology test last night. I think I did well. Won’t find out the grade for a little while. Test has to be mailed in and graded and then I’ll be notified of the grade.

I need you all to do me a favor. I need everyone to pray for someone. A buddy of mine, someone I work with, play darts with, whom I’ve known for a LONG time. Friend who’s been to my house to help me fix things, a great guy. Let’s call him Ehi … his nickname … or Mike. Ehi was on his way to work on his motorcycle, just down the street from his home, when he either tried to avoid a deer or hit a deer and wrecked … bad. And before you ask, yes, he was wearing his helmet. I listened to it on the scanner at work, although at the time I didn’t know it was him and it sounded like a horrible wreck. First responders didn’t know if the guy was alive or dead at first. It wasn’t until later that I found out that what I was listening to was my dear friend.

We found out at work that he was in the wreck and that he was air lifted to Ft. Wayne hospital, 70 miles away and that’s all we knew. I happened to be at a meeting for the Air Show today with some State Trooper buddies of mine and asked if any troopers were on the crash site and he sent out a message and found one who was there and he said he thought that Ehi suffered from a broken back and broke leg. Turns out he was wrong.

Been playing phone tag with dart buddies and friends trying to keep everyone informed. Well, Ehi’s wife got back ahold of Scott, Ehi’s boss and told him what was actually going on and Scott called me and I talked to everyone else (see what I mean about phone tag). This was not that long ago. Ehi busted just about every one of his ribs and punctured one of his lungs to the point that they had to re-inflate it at the hospital. He broke his scapula. He chipped or possibly cracked vertebrae. He did not brake his back or his leg. The GOOD news is that there was no brain damage or internal organ damage. He is going to be in ICU for at least a week and (in my official medical opinion) in a crap load of pain for quite some time. Busted ribs HURT!

So please, pray for this guy … lots!

And in the mean time …

Let’s start with 2 pictures created by Don especially for us here…

Some more AI “art” that I did. One is a picture inspired by your “slothful dragon” remark. The other I envisioned as a cousin of yours from Asia. Hope you like them.

Peace,

Don

That is crazy scary!

Pretty much does it for me…

I sent this one to Izzy … she didn’t laugh.

Yeah … and?

Hey! Me, too!

LOL! My house in 1977!

Sweating under the blazing summer sun, she was on her hands and knees in the garden, aggressively ripping up weeds. Meanwhile, her husband strolled out of the air-conditioned house, cool as a cucumber, and asked, “Hey, what’s for dinner?”

Wiping the sweat from her brow, she snapped. “Are you kidding me? I’m out here breaking my back while you’re lounging inside, and you’re asking me about supper? Just pretend I’m out of town and figure it out yourself!”

“Fair enough,” he said, and wandered back inside.

Taking her advice to heart, he fired up the grill and fixed a massive, juicy ribeye steak, a loaded baked potato, a crisp Caesar salad, and cracked open a frosty beer. He sat down and thoroughly enjoyed every single bite.

Just as he was wiping the last of the steak juice from his plate, the back door slammed. His exhausted, mud-streaked wife walked into the kitchen, looked at the empty plate, and demanded, “Where’s my dinner?”

He blinked in surprise. “Huh? I thought you were out of town!”

The old ones are still the best ones!

No! If that’s how you feel, you ain’t doin’ it right!

This next one is great, also. Very short!

John and Greg driving along the highway looking for a place to stop and picnic. 

John says, “Let’s stop here, and have our picnic under that tree.” 

Greg says, “No! Let’s have it right here in the middle of the road.” 

They fought for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road. 

All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to swerve into the tree to keep from hitting them. 

John says, “You were right! If we were under that tree, we’d be dead now!” 

But you finished!!!

Yeah, it’s a play on an old joke …

The rain was absolutely torrential, turning the street outside the local pub into a miserable, grey river.

Standing right in the middle of it all was an old Irishman. He was utterly soaked to the bone, staring intently into a massive puddle while holding a wooden stick with a piece of string dangling in the muddy water.

A well-dressed gentleman, rushing past to escape the downpour, froze at the sight. Moved by sheer pity for the poor soul, he stopped and asked, “What on earth are you doing there, my friend?”

“Fishing,” the old man replied miserably, without looking up.

The gentleman’s heart sank. The poor old geezer has completely lost his marbles, he thought. Wanting to get the man out of the freezing deluge, he tapped him on the shoulder. “Look, come inside out of the cold. Let me buy you a proper drink.”

A few minutes later, they were huddled by the roaring pub fire, comfortably sipping two neat Irish whiskeys. As the warmth washed over them, the gentleman couldn’t help but smile at the bizarre situation. Leaning in, he asked playfully, “So, tell me… how many have you caught today?”

The old man took a slow, satisfying sip of his whiskey, looked him dead in the eye, and smiled.

“You’re the eighth.”

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. 

The Hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times!



Dear Maid,


Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. 

Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. 

They are in my way.


Thank you,
S. Berman


Dear Room 635,


I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. 

I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. 

The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. 

This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. 

I hope this is satisfactory. 


Kathy, Relief Maid


Dear Maid – I hope you are my regular maid.


Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. 

When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. 

I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won’t need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. 

They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. 

Please remove them.


S. Berman


Dear Mr. Berman,


My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. 

I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. 

I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn’t remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. 

Please let me know if I can of further assistance.


Your regular maid,
Dotty


Dear Mr. Berman,


The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. 

I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.

 If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.

Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.


Elaine Carmen Housekeeper


Dear Miss Carmen,


It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AMand don’t get back before 5:30 or 6PM. 

That’s the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. 

You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. 

The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. 

In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. 

Why are you doing this to me?


S. Berman




Dear Mr. Berman,


Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your 
room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,
please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.


Thank you,


Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper



Dear Mr. Kensedder,


My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. 

I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.


S. Berman




Dear Mr. Berman,


I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. 

I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. 

The situation will be rectified immediately. 

Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.


Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager


Dear Mrs. Carmen,


Who @@@@ing left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? 

I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don’t want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one @@@@ing bar of bath-size Dial.

Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.


S. Berman


Dear Mr. Berman,


You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.

Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. 

The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. 

I don’t know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. 

Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. 

I don’t know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. 

I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.


Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper




Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. 

As of today I possess:
On the shelf under medicine cabinet – 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2..
On the Kleenex dispenser – 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3. 
On the bedroom dresser – 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
Inside the medicine cabinet – 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
In the shower soap dish – 6 Camay, very moist.
On the northeast corner of tub – 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
On the northwest corner of tub – 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. 

Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. 

May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.

One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.


S. Berman

Two fellows were fishing from a dock when an alligator nipped one of them on the foot.

The fisherman screamed, ‘An alligator just bit off one of my toes.’ 

‘Which one?’ his buddy asked.

‘How do I know!’ the wounded angler friend said in disgust.

‘All alligators look alike to me!’

A young bride and groom to be had just selected the wedding ring. 

As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned. “Tell me,” she asked the elderly salesman, “is there anything special I’ll have to do to take care of this ring?” 

With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, “One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day.” 

And that’s it for today my friends. Got this done just in time. Gotta fly. Love to you all!

And we’re back! Went home early from work today, Thursday, I think it’s allergies, the air quality is terrible right now, but really, I just feel like crap. And tomorrow, I’m going to Muncie to pick up my nephew from Ball State. So, today, I’m going to relax for the rest of the day, other than a meeting tonight that I have to go to. I should be out mowing the lawn (jungle) right now, except it’s about 150 degrees outside. Okay, so it’s 89 and feels like 100 according to the weather app. Personally, I think that’s wrong, it can’t possibly be a cool, balmy 100 degrees out there. Not when stray cats are spontaneously bursting into flames. But, who am I to argue with the weather app?

So, while we’re waiting for things to cool down …

Yeah, like I was EVER able to stretch like that daily … or ever.

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with some house repairs after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe’s place.

When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. 

When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her. 

Once they were working on the repairs, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. 

Joe said that he’d started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn’t be better. 

Bob thought he’d give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. 

His wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. 

She said, “This is the worst day of my life. 

First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. 

Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. 

And now, you come home drunk!” 

Four old men were out golfing.

“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained. 

“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.

“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, “Just be thankful we’re still on the right side of the grass!”

Once upon a time, a solitary female brain cell fired up by mistake and found herself trapped in the middle of a man’s skull. She looked around nervously, but the vast expanse was pitch-black, echoey, and profoundly quiet. It was like standing in an abandoned, multi-story warehouse.

Feeling a bit uneasy, she cleared her throat and called out. “Hello? Is anyone home?”

Nothing. Not even a stray spark of electricity.

She took a few steps forward into the cerebral cortex, her anxiety growing. “Is there anyone here?” she cried a little louder, waiting for a response. Still, nothing but the deafening sound of silence.

Now genuinely panicked and feeling completely isolated in the barren wasteland, she took a deep breath, cupped her hands around her mouth, and yelled at the absolute top of her lungs: “HELLO! IS THERE ANYONE ALIVE IN HERE?!”

Suddenly, the silence broke. A tiny, distant, incredibly faint echo drifted up from way, way down below the brainstem…

“We’re down here.”

Way too much truth in this one … rotten dogs!

This one actually made me laugh so hard I cried. Not sure if you have to be in the Air Force to get it or not, but it sure is funny…

https://www.facebook.com/reel/515656334338627

An awful lot of truth in that one.

I was crossing the street. I got hit by a mobile library. I was lying there in pain, screaming. 

The guy looked at me. He went, “Shhhh.”

“I’ve come to pay that bill I’ve owed you for so long,”  said Jones. 

“That letter you wrote me would get money out of a stone.  How did you ever think it up?”

Replied his creditor: “I didn’t.  I selected the best parts from letters my son sends me from college.”

Joe says to Bill, “Want to see a picture of my Aunt?” 

“Sure.”

So Joe takes out a picture.

“What are you talking about?” Bill says, “That’s not your aunt! That’s a picture of a fish!” 

Joe responds, “Well, sure it is… 

It’s my aunt Chovy!” 

So…are you trying to say that dragons are slothful? … Okay, so there’s some truth to that. We do like sleeping on piles of treasure.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

– Mark Twain (1835-1910)

And having the courage to say, “That’s it for today my friends!” and then having something to hide behind. No, really. I know better. I know how appreciative you all are. So, until next time….

So, according to my time traveling calculations, you are reading this on Saturday. So, for you today, I am going to a wedding today! Some dear friends’ daughter, who also happens to be a dear friend and a member of the Army National Guard, as well as her betrothed, so I’m looking forward to it.

Today is Tuesday for me and … well … I’m not a fan. Tomorrow is my anniversary and to tell the truth, I’m a bit jittery. For those of you who are new around here, my Mary passed away in January of 2022 and it’s been a rough rode for me and even though it’s been four and a half years … it’s still been tough.

And even though I am in the early stages of having a lady friend … or should I even say, a friend who is a lady … I still miss my dear Mary every single day.

BUT!! I Know where she is and that she is in a much better, sweeter, lovelier place with her Heavenly Father and Jesus and that fills my heart with Joy!

It’s MY grief that hurts, that’s all. And that’s temporary. And normal.

This life we have here on earth is so small and tiny.

See this little dot . That’s our whole life compared to the entire universe of eternity.

And yet…

It is what we do with that little dot that determines what happens with that universe of eternity. Choose wisely my friends. I KNOW where I’m spending eternity. Do you? Are you sure? If you’re not, write to me, we can talk about it.

impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com

Now THAT is an example of an opening going FAR different then I expected when I sat down and started writing. So, from here, let’s just say …

I know it’s not Wednesday, but it’s still cute and besides, I don’t publish on Wednesdays.

Le Flame, Le die!

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. 

-Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

You’re old fashioned! But, so am I! I will NOT go to a self-service checkout. If there is not a register open with a person running it, I’ll leave my cart and walk out.

I went to a good school where some of our foremost politicians learned their three R’s ­ 

This is Ours, that is Ours, everything is Ours.

Think cold … maybe it will help!

Louisiana Law

It is illegal to gargle in public places

Now, that’s just silly!

Well …. since that picture is in color, probably a little older.

For the rest of us, that’s about 8 pounds and 13 ounces (and a little bit). That’s a heavy shirt!

I can attest to this! Yes, I’ve had a mammogram. Yes, Impish had a breast cancer scare. Yes, I had a lump, no it was not cancer. And yes, the mammogram hurt as much as you think it did. I think if I had real breasts it may not have hurt as much, but then again, women’s breasts are a LOT more sensitive than men’s. So, there’s that.

This one always brings a tear to my eye.

MOM’S SPECIAL BROWNIES



Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.


Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.


Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr. “no, no.”


Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.


Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.


Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.


Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.


Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat’s tail.


Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.


Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.


Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. 

Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.


Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.


Let cat out of refrigerator.


Pour mixture into well-greased 9×13-inch pan.


Bake 25 minutes.


Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. 

Throw cat outside while there’s still time and he’s still able to run away.



FROSTING


Mix the following in saucepan:


1 cup sugar


1 oz unsweetened chocolate


1/4 cup margarine


Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away — far away.


Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn’t know Jr. had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Jr. in playpen.


Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.


Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man’s front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.


Tie Billy to clothesline.


Remove burned brownies from oven.

Notice to people who visit my home.

1. The dog lives here. You don’t.

2. If you don’t want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. 

3. Yes, she has some disgusting habits. So do I and so do you. What’s your point? 

4. OF COURSE she smells like a dog.

5. It’s her nature to try to sniff your crotch. Please feel free to sniff hers. 

6. I like her a lot better than I like most people.

7. To you she’s a dog. To me she’s an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly. I have no problem with any of these things. 

8. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don’t ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don’t hang out with drug-using friends, don’t smoke or drink, don’t worry about whether they have the latest fashions, don’t wear your clothes, don’t need! a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant you can sell the pups. 

9. The same applies for the cats, except they will ignore you…until you’re asleep 

There was a ventriloquist who’d had no work for six months. 

He went to his agent and told him he needed work badly.

The agent said, “There’s no call for ventriloquists, but if you were a psychic I could get you plenty of work.” 

So the ventriloquist went home and hung out a psychic sign.

An hour later a woman knocks on the door:

“I want to talk to my deceased husband. How much will it cost?” 

The ventriloquist says, “If you talk to him, it’s $50; if he talks to you, it’s $100; and if you talk to each other while I’m drinking a glass of water, that’s $200.”

Questions a man asked his Sunday School class:


“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?” 

I asked the children in my Sunday School class.

“NO!” the children all answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”

Again, the answer was, “NO!”

“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, “NO!”

“Well, I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?” 

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!”

Got a short note from Joe in NJ…

Impish,

My new project is installing padded fencing

in the yard. I understand it’s necessary for my latest adventure: 

I’m going to raise 

boneless chickens. 

Been told they’re rather fragile. 

                  …Joe

And that’s it my friends. Got to run. I hope you had as good a time as I did. May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.