Dragon Laffs #1830

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Good Morning Campers,Dancing couple

Well, it’s the day after Thanksgiving and we are all suffering from turkey overload.  Or … at least I hope we all are.  We had a really good visit from the Whelpling and his kidlets, as well as Mrs. Dragon’s sister.  While we were all here we got Papa Dragon Most Senior on the phone and wished him a Happy Thanksgiving and told him that he was hearing from 3 generations of Dragons and that seemed to make his day, so that was really nice.

3b2But for some stupid reason it is like one o’clock in the morning … I am freaking exhausted but can’t seem to sleep.  I am yawning my ass off, can’t hardly keep my eyes open, but I’ve tried laying down like three times now and every time I do my mind starts racing so I thought, well screw this, I’ll get up and start Saturday’s edition of Dragon Laffs and share my dark misery with my dearest friends. 

Now doesn’t that just sound lovely.  Share my dark misery with my dearest friends.  Oh Geez!  Friggin’ pathetic. 

For crying-out-loud, let’s laugh about something, please!

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Also known as the new Democratic Plan.

Then Stephanie sends me an email with the Subject line of: Why do you think I’m a spy??????? and the body is this …..

Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don’t work.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. How do men define a “50/50” relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals.”

Q. How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he’s concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man’s penis?
A. His body.

Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.

Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.

Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.

Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don’t fit right in the crotch!

Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q. What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.

Q. What’s a man’s idea of honestly in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.

Q. What’s the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. What’s the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot’s been spotted several times.

Q. What’s the smartest thing a man can say?
A. “My wife says…”

Q. Why can’t men get mad cow disease?
A. Because they’re all pigs.

Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don’t like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Q. Why do men whistle when they’re sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. When do you care for a man’s company?
A. When he owns it.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being.

And you wonder why I call you a spy???

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And it’s like Stephanie read my mind, because the very next email I got from her was this one.

Men are like……Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like…..Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.

Men are like…..Bank Machines.
Once they withdraw they lose interest

Men are like…..Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just LOOK SILLY

Men are like…..Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like…..Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your ass.

Men are like…..Coffee
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like…..Commercials.
You can’t believe a word they say.

Men are like…..Computers
Hard to figure out, and never have enough memory.

Men are like…..High heels.
They’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like…..Lawn Mowers.
If you’re not pushing one around, then you’re riding it.

Men are like…..Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like…..Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like…..Mini skirts.
If you’re not careful, they’ll creep up your legs.

Men are like…..Noodles.
They’re always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Men are like…..Plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like…..Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like…..Placemats.
They only show up when there’s food on the table.

Men are like…..Snowstorms.
You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long  he will last.

Men are like…..Used Cars.
Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable ¥

 

I would be insulted if they weren’t all so damn true!!!!

 

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In this day of COVID-19, it’s tough for some of us to get a job.  Give this little guy a beak.

But was Stephanie done with me yet?  Oh no!  Not by quite a bit.  The VERY NEXT E-mail I opened was from her and it was this one:

MEN’S THOUGHTS DURING LOVE MAKING

Kissing/Light Petting

What he hopes you’re thinking: “Oh, I can’t resist: I’m powerless before your seductive ways!”

What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “Garlic breath–ewwww!”

Undressing

What he hopes you’re thinking: “My God, look at the SIZE of that!”

What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “My God, look at the size of that!”

Foreplay/Oral Sex

What he hopes you’re thinking: “I could worship at the alter of your impressive manhood for hours.”

What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “If he doesn’t warn me before he cums, I’m going to kill him.”

Penetration

What he hopes you’re thinking: “You stallion, you’re splitting me in half!”

What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “Is it in yet?”

Your Orgasm

What he hopes you’re thinking: “Yes, (his name here), yes!”

What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “I deserve an Academy Award for this performance.”
What he’s even more afraid you’re thinking: “Yes, (other guy’s name here), yes!”

Postcoital Bliss

What he hopes you’re thinking: “Now I know what an earthquake feels like.”

What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “Maybe I should let my lesbian friend Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all.”

And yet … and yet … it’s all so true!!!

Now, I’m not only sitting here tired and exhausted…now I’m depressed, as well.  I know … I know exactly what is needed!!!!!

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Okay, I’m better now.

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Okay, so that’s gonna make a crappy cup of coffee.

In all honesty, Stephanie and I have been friends for a VERY long time.  About as long as Lethal and I have been friends.  And she knows that I’m only picking on her, just so the rest of you don’t get the wrong idea.  Love you lots dear lady.

And then our dear Camper Lynn sends me this one and I can’t help but feel that our male gender doesn’t stand a chance of survival… it’s called “Man’s alternative to waxing.

JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU’VE SEEN THE END OF THE STUPIDITY, SOMEONE SENDS YOU THIS!

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This guy’s name isn’t Chet by any chance, is it?
I’ve heard ‘the song’ for years; but until now I wasn’t aware of the origin.

You know the one I’m talking about:

‘Chet’s Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!’

We really don’t have a chance in hell, do we?

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This guy doesn’t stand a chance.

And Sasquatch sent in this one. 

Written in 43 B.C. valid even today :

Marcus Cicero of the Roman Empire wrote this amazing wisdom:

1.The poor-work & work

2-The rich-exploit the poor

3-The soldier-protects both

4-The taxpayer-pays for all three

5-The banker-robs all four

6-The lawyer-misleads all five

7-The doctor-bills all six

8-The goons-scare all seven

9-The politician-lives happily on account of all eight.

Definitely gives you something to think about.

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And is set up for social distancing

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Not the greatest of all possible comebacks, but funny just the same.

This next one is from Bill E. 

These are very good!

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
10.  If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you,  just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
19. Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
20.  Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere,  makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people  cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

Which one is YOUR favorite?

I don’t know … I kinda liked … all of them!!!

And now I think I’m tired enough to try and go to sleep again, so … to be continued.  Wish me luck!  I’m going in!!!!

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You know … they say that tryptophan in turkey is supposed to make you sleepy and let me tell you, I eat a lot of turkeys on Thanksgiving.  (Yes, you read that correctly, I am a dragon, after all).  There is a really good article that I found on WebMD and you can read it too right here https://www.webmd.com/food-recipes/features/the-truth-about-tryptophan#1 but the long and the short of it is that the whole turkey and tryptophan thing is untrue.  There is no more tryptophan in turkey than there is in say chicken.  Actually a little less, at least according to this article, so I have to throw the bullshit flag …

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… now the only problem is that since I was on WebMD, I found out that I have a rare, unpronounceable disease that only affects ancient blue dragons.  So … that kinda sucks.  Stupid WebMD.

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Life is like Friday on a soap opera.  It gives you the illusion that everything is going to wrap up, and then the same old shit starts up again on Monday.

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Mrs. Dragon snapped this picture yesterday on Thanksgiving of the Whelpling showing up for the holidays.  His family is just off screen to the right.

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And what the hell is growing old in Oregon like?

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And this one is from dear camper Lynn who gives us some

Thoughts …

Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store?
It was quite an oar deal!

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called the hearing?

What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hotdog!

Did you hear about the two bedbugs that met in the mattress?
They got married in the spring.

Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Why do watermelons have fancy weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.

Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head!

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?
Guardians of the Galaxy!

A bartender is just a pharmacist with limited ingredients.

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Much of the stress that people feel doesn’t come from having too much to do. It comes from not finishing what they’ve started.

Happiness is where you find it, but very rarely where we seek it.

You never regret being kind.

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Due to my isolation, I finished 3 books yesterday.  And believe me, that’s a lot of coloring.

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Dreaming of better times, better places.

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I’m not Self-Medicating.
The guy from the liquor store gave me a prescription.
Okay, he called it a receipt.

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And so ends another week without me becoming unexpectedly rich.

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Shout-Out to everyone who can still remember their childhood phone number but can’t remember the password they created yesterday.

You are my people.

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Amen!  I would so much enjoy that!!!  And run after that truck every single afternoon!!

 

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They say marriages are made in Heaven.  But so is thunder and lightning.
~ Clint Eastwood

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One minute you’re young and fun.  And the next, you’re turning down the stereo in your car to see better.

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Bacon

Bitches Love Toast

Even The Airlines

Fishing

French Cops

Like A Boss 15

Minecraft

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OMG room on fire

Pedobears

Questions 15

Seems Legit 15

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How about a couple of quick comments …

Larry

I haven’t heard of the Moody Blues a long long time. Love their music!!

Yup, often maligned, but I’ve heard them live many, many times.  And I think they are wonderful.  Still my favorite.  Rock and roll music with a full orchestra back up.  What can be better!

Sasquatch

One thing from my list of things to be thankful for…. another fine edition of Dragonlaffs. All the best to you and yours.

Thanks Sasquatch!  I hope you and all the campers had as great a day as we had here!

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This is not going to end well.

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Not in jail, not in a mental hospital, not in a grave – I say I’m having a very good day.

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Two hunters, Paul and Kurt, were in a lodge, making small talk.

Paul asked Kurt, “So, what do you hunt?”

Kurt answered “I hunt unicorns.”

Paul was startled, but said “Really? How do you do that?”

Kurt replied, “I find a virgin and hire her to help me. The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare.”

Paul said, “Boy, they must be hard to find. I’ve heard of them, but I’ve never seen one.”

Kurt said “Yeah, and there aren’t many unicorns around, either!” 

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I asked this girl to go to a movie with me, and she said, “No, I won’t go to the movie with you because I know what you will do! You will unbutton my blouse with one hand, and have your other hand on my leg!” I said “I wouldn’t dare do that! Why people behind me could see us!” She says, “That’s right, so could we get there early and get seats in the back row!”

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Here’s a brain teaser sent in by Aussie Pete.  What’s the number of the covered up parking spot?

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I’ll give you the answer a little further down the line …

A couple checked into the famous Breakers Hotel in Palm Beach.

After a day of drinking and golf, mostly drinking, the man returned to his luxury suite one night to find his girlfriend lying naked in bed.

His eyes went wide and he began to strip, only to stop suddenly when he saw

a cigar in the ashtray beside the bed.

“All right,” he demanded, “I’ll kill you unless you tell me  where the cigar came from!”

A muffled voice came from under the bed, “Havana.” 

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In answer to A.P.’s puzzler above.  The missing number is 87.  Is that what you got?  Try turning it upside down and looking at it from the other way.

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Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas trees and I’m over here like, I probably should do something about those rotting pumpkins on the front porch.

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Everyone has a hidden talent they don’t know about until the tequila is poured.

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The ultimate example of redneck engineering.

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And that’s it for today my friends.  Have a wonderful weekend and lots of laughs.

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Dragon Laffs #1829

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Good Morning Campers and Happy Thanksgiving,

Today is a very special day!  A day where we take a few minutes out to remember what it is we are thankful for and I know how img10tough that might be in 2020, but I also know that if we think about it hard enough, we can come up with a couple of things.  Family, Loved Ones, Health, Happiness, Love, Laughter … there are a lot of things to be thankful for.  There are a lot of things to not be thankful for, but we are not going to talk about them today.  We have 364 other days of the year to talk about them.  Today, we are going to concentrate on the good things.  And the good things include laughter, as we always do here at Dragon Laffs, we are going to laugh.  That is our mantra … our motto … our way of coping.  So, let’s see what we can do about that with a Thanksgiving theme, shall we?

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This next one is an actual letter that has been shared over and over again and I’ve heard on the radio many times.  Thanks to John S. for sharing it here:

Dear Family,

I’m not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday. Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05. Two. 2:00! Arrive late and you get what’s left over.

Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don’t arrive at someone’s house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives – date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.

Now, the house rules are slightly different This year because I have decided that 47% of you don’t know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I’ll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.

House Rules:

1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M.  The television stays off during the meal.

2. The “no cans for kids” rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child’s cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I’ll be paying close attention to refills.

3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy’s house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You’ve never been a good cook and you shouldn’t bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.

4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.

5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That’s nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn’t change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That’s why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy… look at me. I’ve outlived almost everyone I know.

6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.

7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.

8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.

9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don’t put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I’ll watch my things.

10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?

11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don’t need to bring anything means you don’t need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn’t have to be difficult.

12. Domino’s and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it’s true now that you have kids.

13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.

In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.

I really mean all of the above.

Love You,

Grandma

And that, my dear friends, is the way a Grandma is supposed to sound.  And you know it all comes with a hug big enough to take your breath away.

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Okay, first and foremost, I am thankful for the love of my family and friends.  From my father, Papa Dragon most senior, to my wife, Mrs. Dragon, to my children, to my brothers, and sister, to my grandchildren, to my extended family, my Dart Family, my campers and Dragon Laffs family, my work family, my online family, my military and veteran family, the friends and family I’ve met over the years, and all the people who’ve touched my life over the last almost 62 years I’ve been on this earth.  The thousands … if not tens of thousands of people who I’ve come into contact with, interacted with, touched their lives and they have touched mine in one way or another have, at least in some small way, made me who I am today.  But, the ones whom I am truly thankful for are the ones who I mentioned above that I know I can reach out to at any time of the day or night and they know the same, that if they need, they can pick up the phone at 3 o’clock in the morning and I’ll by their side.

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Well, Tom J. gives us the continuing and bizarre adventures in Oregon…

Only in Oregon. Just thought I’d let you know, I will be celebrating the holiday with ALL my family and we say, “the governor can shove a turkey up her liberal ass!”

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It’s not often I’m speechless …. but this is pretty close.  Awwww come on.  We have to!  In celebration of the of the governor of Oregon, everyone say it with me:

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Yay!  Now, don’t you all feel better?

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So, I’m sitting here listening to 70’s rock while I’m working on this and what comes on?  American Pie.  By Don McLean.  Which leads me into the next thing that I’m thankful for.  Music.  Especially music that brings me back to a happier time.  Doesn’t have to be older music, although I do have a soft spot in my heart for 70’s rock and am a big fan of the Moody Blues, but I listen to just about everything.  Papa Dragon most Senior is a professional musician playing sax, clarinet and flute being a big fan of big band and jazz so I grew up with a lot of music in the house and my tastes run a bit eclectic.  And music that makes me FEEL is most to be thankful for.  For instance, every single solitary time before I teach a CBRN class, on the drive over from my office to the classroom, I play Burn It To The Ground by Nickelback just loud enough to not shatter the windows of the car and scare the natives.  I have a good sound system, so it sounds really good, but it gets me in the proper frame of mind to teach GIs about staying alive in crappy places and frightens the cops as I drive by the main gate.  So yeah, being thankful for music and being able to hear and appreciate good music, songs, lyrics, and allow it to get inside my head and flow with it and allow it to take me away from certain situations like it has in the past.  Mr. Blue Skies just came on and I’m going to listen for a minute while you guys continue reading.

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I am thankful for being able to read.  It has kept me sane over this whole COVID thing.  I read a lot.  I watch a lot of TV with Mrs. Dragon, but I read … A LOT.  I read because it teaches me things and allows me to escape and live in another world.  Right now I am reading a book called AS YOU WISH:  Inconceivable Tales From the Making of The Princess Bride by Cary Elwes (Westly and the Dread Pirate Roberts) and Joe Layden.  It is very well written and quite interesting, although not my usual cup of tea.  I usually read to live another life.  Think of it this way.  We are given one lifetime…but with books, we can live as many different lives as we can read books. I started reading before I went to kindergarten and haven’t stopped.  I wondered how many books I was reading.  I had to stop buying them, they got too expensive and too difficult to carry around with me.  like this last time I went to Michigan.  I was going for seven days, so I would have to bring seven books.  Eight just to be sure.  Do you know how much room eight books, even eight paperbacks take up in your luggage?  So several years ago I had to switch to digital.  Digital books are cheaper and more importantly, they take up much less room.  Anyway, back in the spring, I decided to keep track of how many books I was reading so I put an app on my phone.  Every time I finish a book, I click a button and it keeps track.  Since April first, I’ve read … let me check …  82 books.   Wow, I’ve slowed down.  82 books in 239 days.  That’s 1 book every 2.9 days.  For a while there I was at 1 book every 1.9 days.  But, I’ve been busy.  So, it looks like I’m averaging 120 books a year.  If you figure that the average paperback costs like $8.99 to $9.99 right now, that’s $1,100 a year in books!!!!  That’s an expensive habit.  I’ll bet I don’t spend a tenth of that electronically.  Anyway, that’s my next thing to be thankful for … books and reading.  Weird list, right?

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It’s not actually.  It should be 325…

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So, what else are we thankful for?  Well, my grandkids are going to be over and they are going to be doing some yard work for me while they are here … so I’m really thankful for that! 

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Something else I’m thankful for … no restraining orders in my past … that I’m willing to admit to.

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The next thing I am thankful for  … was just mentioned in the last meme.  The turkey part, too.

Happy Thanksgiving

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Horror Story19 (2)

I Have the Honor21 (2)

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Midwife24 (2)

More Stuffing25 (2)

Not Christmas yet

Now, They'll Never Leave27 (2)

Once We Start29

Plastic Surgeon28 (2)

Seems Legit31

source

Stuffed32

Thanksgiving Peom35

Thanksgiving

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thanksgiving_10

Thanksgiving-Dragon-bunt

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Turkey and Green Beans41

Turkey39

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What to do with Your Stuffing42

Who Left Them43

Your Scales44

And that’s it my wonderful friends.  And you know it’s you that I am thankful for the most!  Well, second most.  LOL!  May you all have a truly wonderful and thanks filled day.  My love to you all.

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Dragon Laffs #1828

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Good Morning Campers,

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It’s Monday … already … and it’s time to get ready for another work week.  A short work week, but another work week just the same.  This week has a very special holiday in it.  Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays.  Not just because turkey with stuffing happens to be like one of my favorite meals of all times (and Mrs. Dragon makes like THE BEST turkey EVER!!!) but because it makes us take a day out of our busy year special to stop and think about all the things that we are thankful for.  That’s not going to be easy to dobanging head this year, but here at the Dragon household, we are going to give it a try and here at Dragon Laffs, we’re going to give it a try, also.

red xBut, that’s for another issue.  For this issue, we’ve got all kinds of fun stuff planned for you today.  I’ve actually got a weekend off to work on this issue and maybe … MAYBE … we can do a bit more than just throw some jokes and cartoons at you.  Now wouldn’t that be a fun thing to do?  Yes, I know it’s been a while since you guys have gotten a real issue and I apologize for that, but we all do what we can do.   And sadly, ImpishArmy men has got responsibilities beyond taking care of you guys.  I know that’s hard to believe, but it’s the truth.  Maybe someday, you guys will be all I have to worry about because I will have hit the lottery and brick-wall-101will be independently wealthy!  Oh … wait … I guess you actually have to PLAY the lottery in order to WIN the lottery.  Well shit!  That let’s that idea out.  Hmmm.  How about … a rich relative dies and leaves me hissword fight vast fortunes!  No … that won’t work.  I don’t have any rich relatives.  Well, that just leaves you guys.  We have 454 followers, in order to supplement my income … with retirement … and Social Security … you guys are gonna have to come up with … dollar-signlet’s see … carry the one … um … never mind. There’s no way you guys are gonna pay that a year, much less every month.  Sigh.  I guess we’ll just have to keep going the way we’re going.  Keep fighting the good fight and knowing that we’re making a difference in a few lives out there somewhere.  And that, my dear campers, is what really matters.  So long as I keep getting the occasional email or comment that says, hey Impish.  I really look forward to seeing your issue, or something you said really mattered to me, or you made me laugh today, then that’s what really counts.  When that stops happening, then I guess that’s when I’ll think about hanging all this up.

And that ain’t today.

So, let’s get this party started!

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“Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.” ~ Robert Heinlein.  They are out there and they vote.

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In regards to the whole drugs in Oregon conversation we’ve been having, Sasquatch writes:

Sasquatch

So if I understand correctly, in Oregon cocaine is legal but straws aren’t?

Yeah, that’s what it seems like.  I’m not saying it makes sense, nor that I agree with it by any stretch of the imagination … but that is what it seems like.

And the left now want to decriminalize everything, as well as get rid of prison…so we have THAT to look forward to.

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A Little Known Fact … Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.

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I got on YouTube just to watch a music video and 5 hours later, there I am watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe.

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The Impish Dragon Residence this Thursday, but only because Impish REALLY likes Turkey.

And Stephanie sent us this picture of the “Get Off My Lawn 3000”

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Perched high above the mountain top, Impish Dragon surveys his surrounding kingdom, majestic in his … oh, who are we kidding, he’s stoned again.

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If a man says you’re ugly, he’s being mean.

If a woman says you’re ugly, she’s envious.

If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.

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Stupid people are like glow sticks:

I want to snap them and shake them until the light comes on!

 

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It is scientifically proven that women can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches … and it doesn’t matter if it’s a Visa or a MasterCard.

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So, we all know that Stephanie is rumored to be a tough chick…and I’m not saying that this is a portrait of her … mostly cause I don’t want to get my ass shot, so I’ll leave up to the reader to connect the dots.

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The body of the average military veteran is 28% Ibuprofen.

 

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If I’ve offended you with my posts, I humbly apologize.  I honestly didn’t think you could read. 

Damn!

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From Des Moines, Iowa comes the story of bozo Stephen Harrigan who held up a convenience store, getting away with a small amount of cash. Unfortunately in the confusion our bozo left his wallet behind at the scene of the crime, an oversight he discovered a few minutes later. And since he was still in the neighborhood, he decided to try to retrieve it. As he walked back into the store, he overheard the clerk on the phone to the police, describing him as five foot ten and 38 years old. “I’m six two,” our bozo shouted, “And I’m 34 years old.” The bozo was still trying to get the facts straight when the cops showed up and arrested him.

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My son, Luke, loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.

My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much.

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In other news … the Seven Dwarfs have been advised that as of today, they can only meet in groups of six.  One of them isn’t Happy.

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This is Funny

United

up against the wall

Urban_Dictionary

Urinalysis

Yes!  Yes you should!

US Air Force

usaf Regrets

Used

USMC

Usual Suspects

vacation2

Vacation3

Vacations

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I don’t know how to us TikTok, but I can write in cursive, do long division, and tell time on clocks with hands … so there’s that.

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Be sure to bring up politics at Thanksgiving dinner.  It’s going to save you money on Christmas gifts.  Follow me for more cost saving holiday tips.

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Yes, I’m politically Incorrect.  And there is a damn good reason for that.  I think that this STUPID BITCH is not only a fucking moron, I think she is a dangerous fucking moron because she is gathering a group of other fucking morons around her who are as stupid as she is!  It is mind blowingly unbelievable to me that anyone with a half an ounce of brains voted for her and even more unbelievable to me that she has managed to keep herself alive past the age of a parent feeding her because I don’t believe she’s bright enough to successfully use a knife a fork.  But, maybe Pelosi spends the time she’s not in a beauty salon feeding her … who knows. 

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I don’t doubt it.

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I don’t doubt that either …

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YES, WE KNOW!!!!

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An Irish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. 
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn’t have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. 
” Monday ‘s the best night, when my husband goes out to darts,” she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday . After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn’t have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. 
He didn’t believe her, so she said: ” Next Monday ,when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I’ll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.”
So, the following Monday , while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked,
“Do you shave?”
“No,” replied the girl. “I’ve just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?”
“Oh, yes,” said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department. The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, “Did you see it?”
“Yes,” he said, “but why the hell did you have to show her yours.”
“Why ever are you worried about that?” she said. “You’ve seen it often enough before.”
“I know,” he said, “but the darts team hadn’t!”

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Do midgets only have to stand 3 feet apart?  Asking for a friend.

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I have to admit, I laughed so hard at this.

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And I’m afraid that has to be it for today my friends.  I’ve run out of time.  I’ve got to get things done and ready for Thursday and for work tomorrow and … and … and … there’s always something else to do or something else going on.

But that’s life and that’s what we have to work with.  Love and happiness to you all until we meet again.

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Dragon Laffs #1827

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Good Morning Campers,

Today is Friday and I’ve taken the day off today because I’ve already worked too many hours this week and because I have a bunch of appointments today.  Well, I just got a call and because of COVID my afternoon appointment was just canceled.  My dental appointment is still on, which is a shame since I woke up feeling like crap.  Oh well … onward and upward I guess. 

So, not much else to talk about.  New COVID vaccine on the horizon … we’ll see.  The way 2020 has been going, it will prevent the virus and turn us all into zombies as a side effect.

So, we really need to get to laughing.  Really.

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Indianapolis, Indiana where bozo Clarence Thompson learned the hard way that you shouldn’t always take police officers at their word. Our bozo was a known character around town and one time while talking to officers patrolling the area he told them to give him a call if they ever had any extra drugs to sell. Deciding to take him up on his offer, the cops made that call a couple of days later. Our bozo set up a meeting and when the cops pulled up he hopped in the back of the black and white cruiser, and offered to buy 56 grams of cocaine. The officers made the arrest without ever leaving their car.

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And that is one of the ways that we will fix the world.

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Friends don’t tell friends that 1980 was 40 years ago.

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I only do what the voices in my wife’s head tell her to tell me to do.

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There are times I miss you so much.  I wish I could remember where I hid your body.

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I can’t do anything right till I have smoked a coffee and had a cup of cigarette.

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If you see someone smiling before 9 a.m. …

… Kill them and burn the body.  It’s a fucking demon.

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If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

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Ever look at your best friend and wonder why the hell you aren’t comedians?

Yup … miss you Lethal…

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“Yes dear, the new curtains in the dining room look really nice.”

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I’m bored.  I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car with my reverse lights on.

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I might wake up early and go running.  I also might wake up and win the lottery.  The odds are about the same.

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An old black and white photograph of my grandparents back in the day.

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My boss said, “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.”

Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as batman.

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If your cup is only half full, you probably need a different bra.

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I always carry a knife in my purse.  You know … in case of cheesecake or something.

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Unconditional Love

Underage Drinkers

Underestimated

underestimating your enemy

understanding

Understatement

unemployment

Unexplainable

uniforms

unique

Unique2

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That Moment when you talk to Yourself and you start smiling like an idiot because you are just so Hilarious.

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How many times do I have to say, “Excuse me” before “Get the fuck out of the way” becomes acceptable?

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“I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning seven Tour de France races while on drugs.  When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my bike.” ~ Willie Nelson

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You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after they win the game?  That’s not allowed in bowling.  I know that now.

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“So, what do you want for Christmas?”

“Well, lately I’ve been really into groceries and gas.  Utilities are cool.  Stuff like that.”

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No, but we seem to keep voting it into office.

Here’s an oldie but goodie from Leah…just in time for the holidays …

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in……………….…..”

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I don’t know … that guy just looks way too happy…

This next one comes to us from dear Stephanie … I really think she might be a spy.

Men’s Rules in life …….

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss’ car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”.
e. When she is using her teeth

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate’s fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate’s birthday is strictly optional.

On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.

Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both – that’s just mean.

If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox. End of story.

 

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And that my friends completes today’s issue.  And I must dash out the door to my next appointment.  May your day be filled with happiness, joy, and, of course, lots of laughter.

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Dragon Laffs #1826

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Good Morning Campers,

Today should be Thursday … if you are reading this on the day this should come out.  Lots of ifs in there… but since I’m starting this on Monday and this is a crazy week already, there is no telling how this is going to work out.  But, with a little bit of luck and if the sea doesn’t rise, this should all work out so that … yes, today is Thursday.  So … Happy Thursday!

Other than that, I got nuttin.

So, my suggestion is that each of you grab your favorite morning beverage, be it coffee or something a wee bit stronger and let’s get the laughter started cause we all know that’s what we all need at this point in time.

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Did You Know:  There is a word in the dictionary spelled incorrectly.  That was terrible!

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There is a special place in Stupid Hell for people like you.

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Did You Know:  Sirius, the dog star, is moving closer to Earth at a rate of nine miles per second.  This means someday, we could be in Sirius trouble.  That one was worse.

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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

“Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk.

“Only the Ten Commandments.” answered the lady.

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So?  How do you spend your Saturday nights?

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“Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.”

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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

“Reverend,” said the young man, “I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”

The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”

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Mother Nature’s family portrait.

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From Leah D:

Dear Mother Nature,

Having received my free sample of winter I would like to cancel the remainder of my subscription.

Thank you

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Twelve Car Pileup

Twin Turbo

Twinkies

Twins

Twister (2)

Twister

U Turn

U.S._Army

Uber forcefield

UFO

uh oh

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My wife and I went to the auction in Paris Kentucky the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

‘THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR’

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ……smiled and said, ‘He mated 50 times last year, that’s almost once a week.’

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ”THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR’

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, ‘WOW~~That’s more than twice a week ! ………..You could learn a lot from him.’

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, ‘THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

‘My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, ‘That’s once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.’

I looked at her and said,

‘Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.’

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

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I’m watching this show for like, 10 minutes and the lady is listing all these really great things to do.  Then I realize it’s the Religious Channel and she was listing sins.

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And with that bit of stupidity, we’ll end here for the day.  I hope you all have had a great laugh or three.  Until we meet again. 

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