Okay, so today is Thursday for me and Monday for you. Today (for you) I have an appointment that I got a text message about today (for me) at the urologist that I did NOT have on my calendar. That NEVER happens. It’s for 3 in the afternoon. I would NEVER make an appointment that late on a Monday since I have jail at 5 on Mondays. So…I’m REALLY wondering if they made the appointment for me off of a recent blood test that I had (terrifying!!!!) or that from the last time I had an appointment they told me that I didn’t need to see them for a year and they weren’t scheduling out that far and for me to get a hold of them and I didn’t so they just scheduled me an appointment that fit for them. Not near as scary.

I guess I’ll find out in a few days.

Something else that came up since we talked last. Remember this one?

Chris brought up a really good point. Let’s take me for instance, I’m 67 years old, why am I showing proof of citizenship in order to vote?

I.D.?

Absolutely!

Proof of citizenship? Isn’t that what I.D. proves? If it doesn’t, we need better I.D.

Yup! ‘Tis true!

And why are you warning them?!

This one definitely qualifies as…

I can’t even remember how long ago I first heard this one…but it always cracks me up!

A man woke up one morning with the kind of hangover that makes you question every decision you’ve made since high school. His head was pounding, his mouth felt like a desert, and even opening one eye seemed like a risky medical procedure.

When he finally managed it, he noticed something strange. On the nightstand beside him was a glass of water and two aspirin tablets neatly placed on a coaster.

Confused but grateful, he swallowed the aspirin and staggered into the bathroom. One look in the mirror made him wince – he had a big black eye.

Now he was really puzzled.

Hanging on the rack was a fluffy clean towel with a note pinned to it in his wife’s handwriting:

“I put out a fresh towel for your shower. Breakfast is in the oven keeping warm. I’ll be back later – I’m picking up a nice steak for dinner.”

He stared at the note in disbelief.

Normally when he went out drinking with his buddies, his wife stayed mad for three days and communicated entirely through slamming doors.

Suspicious, he showered and went back to the bedroom to get dressed. There on the bed were his favorite old sweatpants and sweatshirt – the ratty ones his wife usually threatened to throw away.

Now he was really worried.

He headed downstairs. On the way he noticed a damp spot on the carpet and a small wooden chair smashed to pieces. It had been one of his wife’s favorite decorative pieces.

In the kitchen, sure enough, a huge breakfast was waiting: eggs, bacon, toast, and coffee.

His son was sitting at the table eating cereal.

The man sat down slowly and asked, “Son… what happened last night?”

His son grinned and said, “You really don’t remember?”

“Not a thing.”

“Well, Mom had to help you in the door because you were so drunk you couldn’t stand. When she tried to get you up the stairs, you tripped, smashed her little chair, and that’s how you got the black eye.”

The man nodded slowly.

The boy continued, “Then halfway up the stairs you threw up on Mom… and on the carpet.”

The man winced. “That explains a lot.”

His son took another bite of cereal and said, “But when she finally got you into the bedroom and tried to take your clothes off…”

He paused and smiled.

“You pushed her away and yelled, ‘Leave me alone lady! I’m married!’”

It is now Friday, 20 March, and our dear reader and contributor Lynn has reminded me that today is the first day of SPRING! It is currently 1831 hrs. and it is 77° F outside right now! It is a beautiful evening and if I wasn’t trying to get caught up here, I’d be out riding the bike! But, along with the reminder she sent me these…

A young couple decided to wed but, as the big day approached, they grew apprehensive.

Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.

“Father, I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.”

His father replied, “Do you love this girl?”

“Oh yes, very much,” he said,” but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my fiancé will be put off by them.”

“No problem,” said his father, “All you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.”

Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to discuss her problem with her mom.

“Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.”

“Honey,” her mother consoled, “Everyone has bad breath in the morning.”

“No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my fiancé will not want to sleep in the same room with me.”

Her mother said simply, “In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth.”

“I shouldn’t say good morning or anything?” the daughter asked.

“Not a word,” her mother affirmed.

“Well, it’s certainly worth a try,” she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.

Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, “What on earth are you doing?”

“Oh no!” he replied, “You’ve swallowed my sock!”

What do you call a person who is happy on Mondays?

Unemployed

And I’ll say it, yet again…

Monday morning…rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off the floor is another story. Somehow the floor is even comfier than the bed.

The blood cells met and fell in love.

Alas, it was all in vein.

I’ll never make it out!

Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time, too.

I’m sorry…as sick as this is, the second guys comments cracked me up!

I was taught (by the military) that if you aren’t ten minutes early you ARE late.

Murphy asks Paddy, “Why are you talking int that envelope?”

Paddy replies, “I’m sending a voicemail, ya idiot!”

I’m an acquired taste. If you don’t like me, acquire some taste.

(and yes, it’s in blue on purpose)

Salons always have hair on the floor.

Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks … what is your problem?

And what’s even more astonishing, Camels don’t even know that sharks exist!

Oh, such sweet, sweet words…

Freeze Mentos inside of ice cubes.

Serve your friends diet Coke timebombs.

Before we finish off, I’d like to throw something out here. For those of you who don’t think that Biden’s open borders have had any effect, those Iranian sleeper cells are starting to wake up. There’s a ton of stuff going on across the country, to military bases quite often, (I’m not sure if all of that is coming out in the news. I know that some of it is) and as often me and others have said how bad it was, it’s starting to come home to roost. 

I think we are going to see, very soon, how bad those open borders are going to hurt us. I don’t think they are going to hurt us horribly, or permanently, but they are going to hurt us… they are hurting us.  

And it’s ticking me. It’s ticking me off that it’s happening and it’s ticking me off that I was right.

And one more thing…

Tomorrow (for you guys, Tuesday, 24th) is Mary’s 59th birthday. I wish we could be celebrating together. Being in Heaven, with God and Jesus and paradise and all that, I’m sure she’s having a GREAT birthday. So, it’s just me that’s missing out. But, Happy Birthday my Mary~Mae. I love you and miss you. It’s just a matter of time.

So, until next time…

I have to share something very funny with you guys. Well, sad and funny at the same time.

It’s been hurricane level windy around here lately. Wind gusts over 70 mph and a level 1 hurricane starts at 70 mph so there you go. Anyway, my super crappy fence, that is on my to do list for replacement this year was badly hurt.

So, this is what my fence looked like when I got home from work on Friday:

So, my son said he’d come next Sunday and we’d buy some fence panels and redo that whole stretch of fence since that’s the worst part of the fence and then over the summer do the rest of the back yard. But, since it keeps the dogs in, I went out on Saturday and did some crappy repairs on the crappy fence and tied it down with paracord…which, alongside duct tape, can fix anything.  So now, it looks like this:

That’s Pepper, by the way and she’s thinking that, “Yeah, I can still get through there!” Anyway, when I showed that to the Whelpling, his comment was, “Dad, the Apocalypse called and they want their fence back.” and I said, “Yeah, all it needs is a Zombie or two peeking over it to make it perfect.” Well, it wasn’t two minutes later he sends me this back. 

I gotta tell you, I laughed so hard. The kid is WAY too good with AI.

Today, Sunday, we’ve had gusts up to 50 mph and the fence is still standing, so … you gotta love the paracord.

Yeah, this is what I teach for a living and this is why I am one of the most hated people on base.

Yup!

77 Ridiculous “You Had One Job” Fails People Couldn’t Believe Were Actually Possible

I’m so old…

After years of research, I finally figured out the secret to a healthy lawn: sprinkle protein powder on the wet morning grass.

The discovery was whey over dew.

An unusual sight to be sure!

BREAKING NEWS!

Man gets hit by a rental car.

Said it Hertz.

People see me spending money and think I’m rich.

Bro, I’m just irresponsible.

Home is where you trust the toilet seat.

Never be a prisoner of your past.

It was a lesson, not a life sentence.

A lot of people forget to change out the winter air for the summer air in their tires. You’d be amazed at how much that helps.

Sleeping in could be my super power if it wasn’t for my arch nemesis, having to pee.

Best Lie You Ever Heard…

Eat all your food so you can grow up to be big and strong…now look at you…just big.

This is probably the truest statement I’ve read in a LONG, LONG time. Forgiveness is so important and yet so hard for all of us. And yet, Christ died so all of us could be forgiven and welcomed home to spend eternity with God. If He could suffer the punishment deserved for ALL the sins of ALL mankind so that we each might be forgiven, can’t we find it easily in our hearts to forgive someone else … anything?

Columbus did NOT discover America in 1492.

In 1492 Native Americans discovered a bunch of Europeans lost at sea.

And that’s it for today my friends. I wish you all the best and ask that God Bless you and keep you until we meet again.

Yeah, I know, St Patrick’s Day was a few days ago. So, excuse me. Mary was VERY Irish. What do I mean by VERY Irish? Well, if you could look around my house, you can still see the signs. So, the holiday itself is a bit of a sad memory of not only her, but my dear friend Lethal Leprechaun, may he rest in peace.

So yeah, let’s pass that one by.

In the mean time, had a scare the other day when we found out that we lost a KC-135, since that’s what we fly here at my base, as well as six crew members. Turns out it wasn’t one from our base, but it’s still a sad state of affairs. May we all pray for safety and protection for all the men and women who are over there. 

At the same time I’m watching Jesse Jackson, Jr. bemoan the fact that he asked politics NOT be brought into his father’s funeral and Obama, Biden, and Harris ALL do exactly what he asked them not to do. How extraordinarily rude, uncaring and self-serving. It just shows that evil will do what evil will do. I disagreed with some of the Reverend’s politics, but he was a good man.

The other thing that is cracking me up and that I think I predicted, is how many people are fleeing New York and how fast the new mayor is changing his voice, now that he is in office. All us animals on the farm are equal, it’s just that some of us are MORE equal than the other animals on the farm. And if you don’t get that reference, then I have a book for you to read.

Now… 

There are 923 words that break the “i before e” rule. Only 44 words actually follow that rule.

I really don’t think that’s true!

Oh brother, AMEN! Oh, I could tell you stories!

I’m actually pretty good with money…

As long as I don’t go outside where all the stores are

Or stay inside where my phone is.

Guys with an eyepatch and three fingers sell the BEST fireworks!

Netflix didn’t kill movie theaters.
$25 popcorn did.
And $12 water was the nail in the coffin.

The last time Izzy and I went to the movie, with tickets, popcorn and drinks, I think it cost us less than 30 bucks total.

Try This…

How smart is your right foot?

This is hysterical. You have to try this.

It is absolutely true. I guess there are some things that the brain cannot handle.

1. While sitting in a chair, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number “6” in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so! And there is absolutely nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you’ve not already done so.

 

I hate it when my dentist asks when the last time I flossed was. I’m like, dude, you don’t remember? You were there.

The graveside service had just barely finished when there was a tremendous bolt of lightning, followed by a massive clap of thunder, followed by another huge bolt of lightning and even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked up at the preacher and said, “Well, she’s there.”

Originally, Wrigley’s was a soap company that included baking powder as a gift with the purchase of their soap. They switched to selling baking powder when it became more popular than the soap, and included a pack of gum as a gift. When the gum became more popular than the baking powder, the company changed again and started selling gum.

(I figured I’d change this one to blue so you’d know it’s how I feel, too)

I POST A LOT OF STUPID, SILLY CRAP ON HERE FOR ONE REASON…

SO THAT YOU MIGHT FORGET ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS AND LAUGH, OR AT LEAST SMILE, FOR A MOMENT OR TWO, THAT IS WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY!

WHAT!!!???!!!

That’s funny! The same migration is taking place in New York!

I had a problem with my computer yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old kid next door.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, “So, what was wrong?”
He replied, “It was an ID ten T error.”
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless asked, “An ID ten T error? What’s that?”
Eric grinned… “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”
“No,” I replied.
“Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.”
So I wrote down: “ID10T”
And I used to like Eric, the little bastard.

And that’s it, dear, dear friends. I wish for you the day I would wish for myself.

Good Monday morning everyone!

For me, it’s Thursday, so … you know … time travel.

I am tired. I’m hoping to get some good rest this weekend. Still recovering from being sick, even though I didn’t get REAL sick, just enough to tire me out. But the extra work of the world situation and being on base and the additional stuff that goes along with all that, that you can imagine and that I can’t talk about.

I’m finding it hard to throw myself into stuff like I used to and retirement is looking better and better. It’s getting close my friends.

Well, enough about that. Let’s get to the reason that you’re all here.

Although it would be a great way to get in the car when you’re done playing in the park!

Didn’t the Russian submarine Captain call that a crazy Ivan in Hunt for Red October?

I understand perfectly.  I think it’s pretty cool.

Um…I must still be really young then since I still have a plethora of stupid things left to do.

Yup, sure do!

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, ‘Hey old man, have you ever danced?’

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, ‘No, I never did dance, — and just never wanted to.’ A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, ‘Well, you old fool, you’re gonna’ dance now,’ and started shooting at the old man’s feet.

The old prospector in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied. When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow.. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands.

The old man said, ‘Son, did you ever kiss a mule’s ass?’

The boy bully swallowed hard and said, ‘No. But I’ve always wanted to.’

There are two lessons for us all here:

1. Don’t waste ammunition.

2. Don’t mess with old people!

MY BODY IS NOT A TEMPLE. 

IT IS AT BEST A DECAYING OLD CABIN IN THE WOODS WITH A
HORRIFYING PAST.

I was terrified of ghosts when I was little, so my mom told me I can vacuum them up and had me clean the house telling me I was getting rid of them.

If you meet a girl that admits she’s wrong, apologizes, and changes her ways, dump her because that might be a man. Women don’t do that.

I’ve been debating with myself on putting this in or leaving it out and how I should respond to it. There was a very similar scene in West Wing (one of my favorite TV shows) and that annoyed me as well. 

It’s Friday night and I have the time and the inclination and for those of you who aren’t interested, I suppose you can just skip this part, but here it goes and I’ll try to not let my ire show through.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. 
Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. 

Okay, this is not the only place that homosexuality is shown to be a sin and to use Leviticus as an example is really a pretty poor choice.  “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife and they shall be one flesh.”  (Gen 2:24) which shows that God designed it so that it was supposed to be one man with one woman.

The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It’s funny, as well as informative: 


Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. ….. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them. 

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? 

With the sacrifice of our Lord on the cross, no other sacrifices are necessary or required. He is the ultimate and final sacrifice.

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?  

Hiring your daughter out as a maidservant is not selling her into slavery.

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual cleanliness – Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. 

You would know if she were your wife, who is the only one you were allowed to have sexual relations with.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?  Why can’t I own Canadians? 

You’re an idiot

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? 

The Sabbath restrictions do not extend into New Testament times.

6. Eating shellfish is an abomination – Lev. 11:10. Is it a lesser abomination than homosexuality? I don’t agree. Can you settle this? 

In Acts we learn that there are no longer restrictions on food … in fact, Christ tells us that He came to satisfy the Law, ALL of the Law.

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? 

Are you a Levitical Priest in Old Testament times?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die? 

See answer 6

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? 

See answer 6

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? – Lev.24:10-16.   Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) 

See answer 4

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging. 

If you truly KNEW God’s Word you would know that it was true and unchanging and would see the history and the truth for what it is. Christ gave us 2 great commandments and told us that all the laws and the prophets were covered under these two.

Can anyone tell me what those two great commandments are?

Let’s read together out of Matthew 22:

37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all  thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. 38This is the first and great commandment. 39And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. 40On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

In other words, EVERYTHING that has come before can be satisfied with those two commandments. 

But Jesus stepped it up a step when He was wrapping it up with His disciples, didn’t he?  At the end of the Last Supper He told his disciples in John 13:34: A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have love you, that yea also love one another. Not that you just love our neighbor as yourself, but as Jesus has loved you. That’s a step up again, now isn’t it.

So, Dr. Laura and sarcastic writer of letter, I think you both need to reexamine your scripture a little closer…in my, very humble opinion.

Country people talk to bugs before killing them like:

“You done flew up in the wrong house today buddy!”

That’s it my friends. Until next time…

Oh how the mighty have fallen!

I can’t believe this poor brother is reduced to hanging on the wall holding up remotes and … stuff!

The poor guy is being humiliated!  I feel ashamed for him! He needs to break loose and raze something! Burn something to the ground! Eat a virgin sacrifice! 

You know, not to change the subject, but I’m watching a show about a group of people that serve the public. They could be LE, they could be military, doesn’t really matter. Anyway, they just went through a very tough thing … fighting … gun fire … blood shed, you know; the kind of stuff that goes along with the job. 

The part that has me considering my words is how their loved ones reacted. Their families. How there are spouses that are cut out to be military/law enforcement spouses and some that are not.  Some of them understand the stress, the danger, long hours, and separation and are there to support and uphold and some can’t handle it.  How some make it easier on them and some actually make a VERY difficult job harder. It’s not necessarily their fault. They may think they can handle it and don’t find out until later that they can’t. I understand that. It’s hard.

I don’t know…where I’m going with this, just musing I guess. I’ve been blessed in my own horrible jobs and supportive wives. 

So, while I continue to muse, let’s the rest of us continue to laff….

This is a REALLY good question.

A sole and a flounder are swimming in the ocean when they bump into each other.

The sole says, “A flounder!”

The flounder, to be polite, says nothing.

It was just brought to my attention that 1970 and 2026 are as far apart as 1970 and 1914 …

I’m just going to need a minute.

I could put it in perspective for me and say that 1977 and 2026 are as far apart as 1977 and 1928. 

I graduated high school and joined the Air Force in 1977.

You Just Realized…

“Bathtub” spelled backwards is “bathtub”. It’s really not, but for a second there you believed me.

I’ve just been promoted to running all of Old MacDonald’s farms!

I’ll be CIEIO!

I just heard that a man collapsed on the Ferris wheel at the fair.

Paramedics on site say he is slowly coming around.

You can’t set a Hallmark movie in the South. Unexpected snow down here isn’t magical. It’s terrifying and always leads to fights at the local grocery store.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

If I weren’t so exhausted I’d go into this, instead read Ephesians and if you have questions, I’ll happily respond.

It would crack me up to no end to find out that in both of those last two pictures it was actually men driving those cars and NOT women.

Anyway, that’s it my friends. Let’s get this one in the box, so I can start the next one. With the world situation being what it is, my life is a little crazy right now, so things might start becoming a little … um … intermittent. You know what I mean. I’ll try to keep you informed as the days go by, but for the time being …