Dragonlaffs #1441

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Good Morning Campers,

Quite the week I’ve had.  I’ve been busy every day.  Lots and lots of things are going on in the Dragon household.  I really, really hope that in my issue on Wednesday (yes, I’m doing the Wednesday issue this week, as Lethal told you last Wednesday) that I have a HUGE announcement to make.  But, I don’t want to announce early for fear of jinxing things. So, stay tuned!

Lethal Leprechaun will be doing a grand Independence Day Issue on Saturday.  I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait!  And then the Huge 4 day party!!!

AND!!!! The Grand Opening of the new recreation mountain!!  We’ve been talking about it for months!  It all started with Ginny’s affair with Santa and getting him to build us a very special pool…and it just took off from there.  You REALLY want to get invited to this party!  Of course, all our sponsors, those who’ve donated to the blog (even just a $1!) have a standing invitation.  Not only that, they will have use of the facilities any time they want.  Donation time (our annual begging for cash) is coming around soon.  Just think, you can get use of the recreational mountain, too.

Anyway, Lots of stuff for you to laugh at today, lots of things for you to ponder.  So, before we get too maudlin …

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This one is from my dad….and it’s called “The Old Cowboy, When You’re Over Seventy, Who Gives A Crap!”  I think you’ll catch on pretty quick.

Cowboy: “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.”

Cashier: “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”

Cowboy: “Nah… She’s purty good lookin’…..”

When you are over seventy who gives a crap?

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,

“If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your

hair cut, you’d look all right.”

I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over

there instead of you.”

When you are over seventy who gives a crap?

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess

what day a woman was born on just by feeling her boobs.

“Really” she said, “Go on then…try.”

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose

patience and said, “Come on, what day was I born?”

I said, “Yesterday.”

When you are over seventy who gives a crap?

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you are over seventy who gives a crap?

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing

on a table. I said, “Good legs.”

The girl giggled and said, “Do you really think so.”

I said, “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed

by now.”

When you are over seventy who gives a crap?

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This is another one from my dad…it’s really good.  Read first then watch

A short video of a Pakistani pile driving construction technique.

Notice that the pile driving only becomes effective when the extra man jumps on.    Very finely tuned!    The chant is also catchy!

If you want to analyze the engineering here:

6 men x 180 lbs = 1,080 lbs static force.    Jumping up and down will create a 3 times dynamic effect = 3,240 lbs/jump = 1.6 ton thumps. If the pile is tapered to 2 in x 2 in, cross section at the tip  = 4 square inches.

So, dynamic pressure/thump at pile tip = 3,240/4 = 800 psi.

“Add a man” feature will increase to 950 psi, so buy the option !

Increase the chant and dynamic force goes up to 5 times to bring max. pressure/thump to 1,600 psi for a 7 man team.  

Quite good and will penetrate hard clay and sandy soil but not hard rock. 

Pretty ingenious.  and very, very cost effective . . .

And, to think not a single one of these seven chaps attended Georgia Tech, MIT,  Cal Tech or even Virginia Polytechnic Institute . . . !

PS:    The foreman is the guy on the tambourine.

 

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As a special section for my Dad (Papa Dragon Most Senior) and all the others of you who participate in this despicable habit, I present to you….
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Tune in next time for more fun!  Fun and chasing a little white ball around a countryside…sounds kind of oxymoronic to me, but what do dragons know from golf?

 

I now quote the sexy fairy who gave me this article, “I couldn’t take enough drugs to believe this one.”
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When I was but a wee lad, I had a beautiful nurse maid who took care of me.  This is an artist’s rendition of that time, since there were no cameras back then.  (Yes, I am THAT old).  Honestly, this picture does not really do her justice, but you get the idea.

 

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Chitty, Chitty – Bang, Bang is in her garage and she is very confused over what Mr. Blue just implied.  He was ready to say something important when we got interrupted.

“But, we don’t have much time.  As soon as that light turns red, our conversation is over and if I have to explain why I gave away secrets to my partner to Mr. Green, then I will do that, but you’re right.  As my partner you deserve to know the truth.  And the truth is that no, I’m not that stupid.  But it is a VERY good front and façade for people to think that I am.  I’m actually….” 

And then that “IT” guy walked in and he didn’t finish his thought.  He played it right cool though.  Very cool.  Too cool for who he is.  Or maybe it’s who he pretends to be.

And then not a minute after Impish left, “Mr. IT” makes some half-hearted excuse, after looking around and not really DOING anything, and then HE leaves.  I can’t figure out what’s…

Suddenly the small people door, as CB2 tended to think of it, opens and Mr. Green himself walks in.  This ought to be interesting, she thinks.

“Hrumph!  Ahem… Good Afternoon, Miss Bang.  And how are you this fine day?” Lethal Leprechaun, a.k.a. Mr. Green, enters her living space and settles himself down on her couch, all the while looking around her room surreptitiously.  She decides to call him right out on it.

And a Good Afternoon to you too, Mr. Green.  Is this just a social call or is there something you need?  You seem to be looking about for something…”

Mr. Green seems to be a bit startled and taken aback as he answers, “No, no not at all.  Just a visit.  Checking up on the troops, as it were… so … well … how are you Miss Bang?”

“I’m quite well thank you. And yourself?”

Mr. Green stands up and begins moving around the room, picking up and examining some of the little knick-knacks that Chitty has picked up over the years, moving about the room in a distracted manner. “Well good.  Good.  Glad to hear it, I am.”

As Mr. Green’s wanderings become more focused, he seems to have completely tuned out CB2.  He picks up a little statue of the Eiffel Tower, turns it over and peers at the bottom and then shakes it while holding it close to his ear.

“Mr. Green?”

Startled, Mr. Green places the statue back in its place with a little thump, looking like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar.  He quickly moves back to the couch and sits down.

“Mr. Green, is there something wrong?  Is there something I can help you with?”

“Ahem.  Well, actually, there is something you can help me with, I think…”

After a long pause, that becomes almost uncomfortable in length, Chitty prods him, “And that is…?”

“Yes, quite.  I’m not sure exactly how to put this… did I just seem Mr. Blue leaving your home?”

“Well, I’m not sure how you could’ve seen him leaving since he left several minutes before you did, unless … Mr. Green, are you spying on me?!”

“No! Well…yes … in a manner of … what? No.  Not like what you’re implying…”

“Mr. Green, I can’t think of any other way you would have known he was here talking to me…”

“Miss Bang, you must understand that I have everyone’s security at risk here and it’s my responsibility-“

“To SPY ON US??!!”

“Chitty, it’s not like that at all.”

“Look me in the eye and tell me that my quarters, my PERSONAL quarters, aren’t bugged.”

With a dead stare, Lethal looks at Chitty, Chitty – Bang, Bang and answers, “No ma’am.  You’re personal quarters are not bugged.”

“I’m not sure I believe you.  I’m sure you’ve had to learn to lie convincingly with your numerous professional dealings. But, I’ll not pursue it.  I do want you to be absolutely clear on this, that if I ever do find out you’ve lied to me about this or any other matter, it will be the end of our personal AND professional dealings.  And I like you, Lethal.  I really do.”  CB2 pauses and settles herself, the movements of the car coming across as quite human.  “Now, forgoing the matter of HOW you knew, my partner, Mr. Blue was lately present, what’s the problem?”

Mr. Blue pauses, then begins speaking, “To put it not too bluntly, I think there is something wrong with our dragon.”

 

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Oh yes, the obligatory democrat bashing.  So sorry, I just can’t seem to help myself.

 

You know, it annoys the crap out of me when someone parks in a handicap parking spot that doesn’t deserve it.  Well, I guess if you do that in Brazil, things can happen.  Karma?  You tell me.

 

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As a public service, I’ve added this posting.  Most of the people I eat seem to enjoy it though.

 

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In the distant past, some of my relatives got regulated to not so impressive positions in the government and military fields.

 

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. ‘Fred,’ he replies.
‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.
‘Just Fred,’ the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’
The biker replies, ‘It’s a long story, so stay with me.’ I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.’
The officer walked away in tears, laughing

 

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I sat with my infant son in front of the TV, hostage to my husband’s channel surfing. He eventually settled on an R-rated movie in which the actress was soon topless. ‘Honey, change the channel,’ I said, shielding my son’s eyes. ‘He shouldn’t see this.’ ‘It’s okay.’ my husband replied. ‘He probably thinks it’s the Food Network.’

 

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My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect. My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s voice say, “We have a Marcia on the line. Will you accept the charges?” Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, “Dad! They’ve got Mom! And they want money!”

 

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A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
 
One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter’s wife awakened to find her mother gone.
 
She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman.
 
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was standing face-to-face with a lion
 
“What are we going to do?” his horrified wife asked.
 
“Nothing,” her husband replied, “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”

 

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Humor

Hungry Hippos

hydration

 

Hygeine

 

 

Budweiser has the greatest commercials.  From the Clydesdales to this gem…

 

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A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Qantas from Sydney to Auckland.
 
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
 
The mother, who couldn’t think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
 
So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
 
The flight attendant responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me that?”
 
The boy said, “Yes, she did.”
 
“Well then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Qantas always pulls out on time, and ask her to explain that to you.”

 

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During a recent survey, women were asked… “What would you do if you woke up and had a penis?” Here are their actual responses…
“I would walk around and prod my husband all night long with it, whatever he is doing I’ll be there prodding him with it.”
“I would write my name in the snow.”
“I would go into my boss’ office and lay it on his desk and say: ‘Where is my raise?'”
“I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him and tell him to roll over and try something new.”
“I would want a big one and show it off to everyone.”
“I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed.”
“I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing.”
“I would measure it both ways.”
“Pee off of a tall building.”
“I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed.”
“I would treat women better with it.”
“I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with it all day.”
“Demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit the water and not pee all over everything.”
“Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it.”
“I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot.”
“Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what was the best.”
“Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around.”
“See how many donuts I could carry with it.”
“Check out my boyfriends gag reflexes!”

 

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I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn’t matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner, and  I always end up in bed with them. Here’s how it goes, ‘Excuse me, love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?’
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Now, a few short words to think about:
A 3% tax on tea eventually led to the American Revolution.
Now, you pay up to 70% of your earnings to a De Facto corporate government.  You are grouped a the airport, surveilled on the street, spied upon in your own home, fed propaganda by the media, lied to by your representatives, have your rights eroded, your currency devalued and are on the verge of an overt police state.  What the hell happened to the land of the free and the home of the brave?
Election time is coming sooner than you think.  Make yours count.

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Now this is technology at work for the good of us all.

Samsung attaches screen to semi-truck to show the road ahead
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Getting stuck behind a slow, smelly semi-truck is no fun, but big vehicles are often too hard to pass on a narrow two-lane road. But Samsung just came up with a very clever solution to this problem.

The Argentinian arm of the South Korean tech giant is showing off what it calls a Safety Truck, a semi truck with a wireless camera mounted on the front, displaying the road ahead on a screen tacked on to the back of the truck. The move is a part of an effort to reduce head-on collisions from passing.

The front-mounted camera broadcasts its signal to four monitors on the back of the truck to give drivers behind the truck a good view ahead. In addition to making passing safer, Samsung says that this would let drivers see any obstacles in the road ahead, preventing the need for sudden emergency braking.

Samsung said the truck used for testing isn’t currently operational anymore, but it is working with government and non-government safety agencies to develop the tech further.

It seems like it would work well on two-lane roads, but it wouldn’t really have much use on multi-lane highways. The screen could also prove to be a distraction, and image quality issues could be a concern as well.

It’s an innovative approach to road safety, but Samsung hasn’t provided much of a timeline for its development, so who knows when, or even if it will be adopted.

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Leprechaun Laughs #305 for June 24th 2015

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Sorry For The Delay Folks- apparent technical difficulties on my end. The interface between chair and keyboard evidentially went FUBAR yesterday after some unplanned schedule changes here Monday & Tuesday resulted in a failure on my part to upload the issue for autoposting.

Thanks to Impish for pointing this out to me.

Well we finally got ride of Tropical Strom/Depression Bill and all his associated baggage late Friday. To be clear, according to the weather guessers he finally left us officially alone sometime Late Thursday night after gifting us about 4.5″ of rain in roughly 36 hours. Then his entourage kept coming thru and dumping on us while looking for Bill and left us with roughly an additional 3″. Even as later as Saturday afternoon we had Thunder storms and showers.

Fortunately we managed not to flood as we have in the past by some miracle though at one point the standing water on the patio was within a 1/4″ of starting to enter the track to the sliding door and about 3/8″ of an inch from entering our storage area.

House keeping note: Impish will be doing Saturday’s issue as well as next Wednesday’s issue  (if he knows what’s good for him!) since I’ll be doing the Independence Day Holiday issue a week from Saturday.

Look for a special announcement about the party form him next Wednesday.

That’s all I got for now. I need to get back to work on the Independence Day issue, the preparations for the party plus make sure a bunch of new features over there at DL/LL Party Pavilion get finished in time.

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You Know You’re Drinking Too Much Coffee When:

*Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
*You ski uphill.
*You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.
*You answer the door before people knock.
*You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit.
*You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
*You sleep with your eyes open.
*You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
*You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
*You lick your coffeepot clean.
*You’re the employee of the month at the local coffee house and you don’t even work there.
*You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
*You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
*You can jump-start your car without cables.
*All your kids are named “Joe”.
*You don’t need a hammer to pound in nails.
*Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low”.
*You don’t sweat, you percolate.
*You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
*Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
*People get dizzy just watching you.
*When you find a penny, you say, “Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I’ll have a cup”.
*The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
*Starbucks own the mortgage on your house.
*You’re so wired, you pick up AM radio.
*People can test their batteries in your ears.
*Instant coffee takes too long.
*You channel surf faster without a remote.
*You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
*You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
*Your Thermos is on wheels.
*Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
*You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
*You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
*You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
*Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter Scale.
*You can’t even remember your second cup.
*You help your dog chase its tail.
*You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
*Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
*You speed walk in your sleep.
*You have a bumper sticker that says: “Coffee drinkers are good in the sack.”
*You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
*The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.
*You spend every vacation visiting “Maxwell House.”
*You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
*Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
*You chew on other people’s fingernails.
*The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
*Your T-shirt says,   “Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s coffee.”
*Cocaine is a downer.
*You buy milk by the barrel.
*You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
*You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
*You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
*You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
*People get dizzy just watching you.

With regards to the underscored line above: I’ve never worn a handle off but I have worn the glazing around the lip of a mug totally way.

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That’s Wednesday our Receptionist giving us a little reminder and lift in our day.

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Discussion last Friday between Impish and myself.

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Advanced Training Required:

A child found a gun in the House … or maybe it was on the Senate side. It was somewhere in the U.S. Capitol, however, and that was just one of three times so far this year that a member of the U.S. Capitol Police has forgotten their gun in the restroom. Legislators learned of the issue from the media, and questioned the Capitol Police chief about it. Chief Kim C. Dine said more lock boxes for officers’ guns were being set up on the Hill, and the penalty for abandoning a gun might be raised from five to 30 days’ suspension for a first offense. Also, “we are now providing additional training on what to do when you have to go to the bathroom.” (AC/WNEW Washington) The U.S. Capitol: where people who need advanced training on how to use the bathroom are issued guns.

Man claims he danced on patrol vehicle to save children from vampires

LEE COUNTY, Fla. – Disco fever or dancing with the devil?  Either way you look at it, this man’s moves have landed him in some hot water.

44-year-old Christian Radecki of Cape Coral was arrested April 7th after he was caught on surveillance video bumping his car into the back of a Lee County Sheriff’s Office marked patrol vehicle.  He then began dancing on the patrol vehicle’s roof while music blared from his car, and then broke the windshield wipers and took an American Flag from the neighbor’s yard.

Redecki, a convicted sexual offender, was arrested for Disturbing the Peace and Criminal Mischief after the neighbors called the police.

According to a Cape Coral Police report, Radecki said it all began when a “woman with fangs” came to his door, threatening that a human sacrifice was about to occur involving vampires.  “Therefore, Radecki made the conscious decision to get the Sheriff of Nottingham to help him stop the slaughter of small children,” the report states.

Radecki told officers that he had not taken any recreational drugs or alcohol, has not been diagnosed with and mental health conditions, nor did he take any prescribed medication.

Radecki was taken to Cape Coral Hospital for medical clearance, then transferred to the Lee County Justice Center in apparent good health.

For the record, his dance playlist started with Hall & Oates’ “Rich Girl”, and ended after Supertramp’s “Goodbye Stranger.” – Katrina & The Waves – Walking On Sunshine might have been a better choice for dealing with Vampires.

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Limerick 2

A bather whose clothing was strewed,
By winds that left her quite nude,
Saw a man come along,
And unless we are wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.

There was a young lass from Australia
Who painted her ass like a Dahlia
The shape it was fine
And the color divine
But the aroma–well, that was a faihlia

There was a young lady named Kite
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She left home one day
In a relative way
And returned on the previous night.

I once took our vicar to tea;
It was just as I thought it would be:
His rumblings abdominal
Were simply phenomenal,
And everyone thought it was me.

Audi Autonomous Office Chair

 

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With summer time in full swing I thought a few easy picnic food recipes might be in order.

Tomato, Onion and Cucumber Salad

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Total Time: 5 min
Prep: 5 min
Yield: 4 servings
Level: Easy

 

 

 

Ingredients

5 medium plum tomatoes, halved lengthwise, seeded, and thinly sliced
1/4 red onion, peeled, halved lengthwise, and thinly sliced
1 Kirby cucumber, halved lengthwise and thinly sliced
A generous drizzle of extra-virgin olive oil, about 2 tablespoons
2 splashes red wine vinegar
Coarse salt and black pepper

Directions

Dress the tomatoes, onions, and cucumber with olive oil, red wine vinegar, salt, and pepper.
Let stand while you prepare dinner, about 20 minutes. Re-toss and serve salad with crusty bread for mopping up juices and oil.

I like to add a little dill and garlic powder to mine. Some how the dill reminds me of Summer. Kirby cucumbers are the same thing as ‘English’ or ‘Burpless’. If you don’t have them or can’t get them look for smaller young cucumbers with the lighter skins or use pickling cucumbers

Mixed Berry Slab Pie with Chocolate

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Yield: Makes One 13″x18″ Pie

Total Time: 1 hour

This makes a massive slab pie, easily serving a small army or a few teenagers. At first it may seem intimidating to roll the dough so large then transfer it to the 1/2 sheet pans, but this dough handles quite easily and if you happen to break it, you can always patch with dough scraps. If you have less to feed, then you can always divide the recipe in half and use a 1/4 sheet pan, but there are always neighbors who will take the leftovers so we encourage you to give the full recipe a shot!

Ingredients:

Dough Ingredients

  • 8 c (1000g) Flour
  • 1 c (200g) Sugar
  • 2 t (10g) Sea Salt or Kosher Salt
  • 1 lb. (455g) unsalted cold Butter, cut into 1/2″ pieces
  • 3 lrg. Eggs
  • 1/2 c (120ml) cold Water

Slab Pie Filling Ingredients

  • 1 Pint (12 oz. or 340g) Blueberries
  • 1 Pint (12 oz. or 340g) Raspberries
  • 1 Pint (12 oz. or 340g) Blackberries
  • 1 c (200g) Sugar
  • 3 T (24g) Cornstarch
  • 1 1/2 c (270g) Chocolate Chips
  • Cream for brushing top of slab pie
  • Powdered Sugar to dust slab pie

Directions:

Preheat oven to 400° F. Set aside two 1/2 sheet pans (18″x13″) You’ll use one for the slab pie, the other as a template.

  1. Combine berries in a large bowl. In a medium bowl whisk together pie filling sugar (1 c) and cornstarch until well combined. Add sugar mix to berries and gently toss to coat berries. Set aside.
  2. Make Dough. In a large bowl, whisk together dough flour, sugar, and salt. Pinching with your fingers or using a pastry blender, incorporated butter into mixture until no large pieces of butter remain and mixture has a crumbly texture.
  3. Whisk eggs and cold water together. Make a well in the middle of the flour mixture, then pour egg mix into well. Working from the center out, combine egg and flour mixes together until the dough holds together. If necessary adjust with a little additional flour or cold water if dough is sticky or if not holding together.
  4. Divide dough into a 2/3 and 1/3 portion.
  5. On a large floured surface, roll out larger portion of dough to a 24″x19″ rectangle (I’ll roll out slightly larger then trim edges straight to the dimensions), dusting the underside and top of dough with flour a few times while rolling out to keep dough from sticking.
  6. Gently roll the dough around the rolling pin, then unroll it over the first sheet pan. Adjust dough so it sits evenly into sheet pan then dock the pastry by pressing in with your fingertips several times making indentions across the bottom of the pastry.
  7. Layer in chocolate chips. Layer in berry mix. Set aside.
  8. Roll out remain 1/3 dough portion to just larger than 18″x13″. Flip your second sheet pan upside down and gently press into dough. Use impression to cut dough to size, gently roll it around rolling pin, then unroll it over the slab pie to form top crust.
  9. Fold excess dough bottom, up and around to meet pie top and gently pinch to form top edge. Brush top and edges with cream. Using kitchen scissors or a knife cut slits into top of slab pie.
  10. Place in oven and bake 30-40 minutes or until top is golden. Remove from oven and allow to cool. Dust with powdered sugar, slice and serve.

Don’t forget the Dream Whip!

Don’t Sweat It

No-bake pretzel bars for hot summer days

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Makes: 12 to 16 bars | Start to Finish: 1 hour 30 minutes (includes chilling time)

Ingredients

1 cup packed dark-brown sugar
1 cup light corn syrup
2 cups mini marshmallows
¾ cup creamy natural unsweetened peanut butter, well stirred
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
½ teaspoon kosher salt
4 cups thin pretzel sticks, roughly chopped
4 cups unsweetened puffed-wheat cereal
2 ounces bittersweet chocolate, melted
½ teaspoon smoked salt (or additional kosher salt)

Directions

1. Lightly grease a 9-inch-by-13-inch baking dish and set aside.

2. In a large saucepan set over medium-high heat, combine the sugar with the corn syrup, then bring the mixture to a boil. Turn off the heat, stir in the marshmallows until about half of them are melted, then stir in the peanut butter until well combined. Add the vanilla and salt. Mix in the pretzels and puffed wheat until well combined.

3. Transfer the mixture to the prepared baking dish and, using lightly greased hands, pat it firmly into the dish. Drizzle with melted chocolate and sprinkle with smoked salt. Refrigerate for 1 hour or until firm. Once firm, slice into small bars with a hot, wet knife, then serve.

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Can police search your gadget without your permission?

As you know technology is something that evolves daily. And many of the government’s privacy laws have been slow to catch up. California is now another state that requires police officers obtain a search warrant before snooping through your cellphones, tablets and computers. Warrant laws about these electronic gadgets are pretty varied depending on the state you live in, and it can be difficult to determine what’s what with the ambiguous verbiage and lengthy provisions.

The cloud of confusion surrounding the issue in California finally lifted on Wednesday. State senators unanimously approved State Bill 178, which requires law enforcement to obtain a search warrant from a judge before poring through the content on the phone and location data stored within it. For many of us, our personal electronics are private. Messages, pictures and emails stored away on them are just meant for our eyes.

There are now six states that require a warrant for police searching personal electronics. It’s not good news for everyone though! Law enforcement collectives like the California District Attorneys Association and the California Police Chiefs Association have said publicly they don’t like the new law. The California State Sheriffs Association sent San Francisco senator Mark Leno a letter explaining why they don’t approve.

In the letter, the group says the new bill, “… conflates existing procedures for obtaining certain electronic information under state and federal law, contains burdensome and unnecessary reporting requirements, and will undermine investigations that are fully compliant with the 4th Amendment.”

Unlike many other technology privacy laws, SB 178 is crystal clear. It says a warrant may only be issued to search your gear if there is “… evidence that tends to show a felony has been committed, or tends to show that a particular person has committed a felony, or when there is a warrant to arrest a person.” That means unless you’re doing something bad the police already know about, you are safe from police snooping through your electronic gear.

Federal law has gone back and forth with its stance on search warrants for personal electronic devices. In a decision last month, the Federal Court of Appeals went against its own decision that said investigators need a warrant to extract cellphone information from wireless providers. Federal law enforcement no longer needs a warrant to search any of your electronics; they can search through your stuff whenever they see fit.

However you can still protect yourself against this because as with just about everything else there is a loophole. Under any circumstance, even with a warrant the police cannot force you to give them the passcode or encryption keys to any of your electronic devices.

The Fifth Amendment protects you from being forced to give the government self-incriminating testimony. Courts have generally accepted that telling the government a password or encryption key is “testimony.” A police officer cannot force or threaten you into giving up your password or unlocking your electronic devices. However, a judge or a grand jury may be able to force you to decrypt your devices in some circumstances. Because this is a legally complicated issue, if you find yourself in a situation where the police, a judge or grand jury are demanding you turn over encryption keys or passwords, you should seek immediate legal help.

My new phone uses and optical thumb print reader, some use facial recognition some tablets I’ve hears use other forms of biometrics. These the police can obtain from you without your consent (think fingerprints). While these things make accessing your phone secure easy and convent it also leave you open to searches. That’s why as a back up to this I use an app which I mentioned last week called CM Security to passcode protect all critical function and personal data. Once the print reader unlocks the phone there are a limited number of things that can be accessed without a passcode. I use a 6 digit passcode. This means that any law enforcement representative attempting the brute force access method,  even using the new robot that does the 4 digit PIN codes are a rate of one every second will take roughly 20 hours to access your phone if you used a truly random code. BY adding those extra 2 digits I turn the 10,000 possible combinations to explore into 1 Million and I’ve turned that time frame into 80 days. Plenty of time for me to get legal help and a court order to prevent them from searching my phone.

I also strongly suggest that you contact the Electronic Frontier Foundation as well and they have lawyers who are extremely well verses in such things who can and will assist your attorney in representing you for the purposes of the searching of your electronic devices.

Lastly know that all of this doesn’t mean a hill of beans at the border.

The border search exception is a doctrine of United States criminal law that allows searches and seizures at international borders and their functional equivalent without a warrant or probable cause. This doctrine is not actually an exception to the Fourth Amendment, but rather to the Amendment’s requirement for a warrant or probable cause.

The courts are all over the place on how this applies to electronic devices and what is on them.

Currently, the main area of contention concerning the border search exception is its application to the search of the electronic files and information contained in travelers’ laptops and other electronic storage devices for illegal materials including child pornography. Two notable decisions have been rendered with the respective intermediate appellate courts backing the United States Government’s position that the search of electronic devices falls under the category of property searches and that the devices are functionally and qualitatively equivalent to other closed containers. According to this position, the Government asserts that it may open, login, and search through all the electronic information stored on traveler’s electronic devices.

The only federal appeals court to address this issue directly, the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals, has disagreed with the government’s position. The en banc Court held that property, such as a laptop and other electronic storage devices, presented for inspection when entering the United States at the border may not be subject to forensic examination without a reason for suspicion. United States v. Cotterman, 709 F.3d 952, 956–57 (9th Cir. 2013) (en banc).

The Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals, addressing a challenge to Customs’ authority to search electronic files in United States v. Ickes, held that there is no First Amendment exception to the border search doctrine for expressive materials .[11] The Court based its finding in part on the demands of protecting the nation from terrorist threats that may cross the American border in expressive materials.[12] in its analysis, the Court stated:

The border search doctrine is justified by the longstanding right of the sovereign to protect itself. Particularly in today’s world, national security interests may require uncovering terrorist communications, which are inherently “expressive.” Following Ickes’s logic would create a sanctuary at the border for all expressive material-even for terrorist plans. This would undermine the compelling reasons that lie at the very heart of the border search doctrine.”

Ickes did not directly address the required level of suspicion for laptop searches because customs officers in this case met the reasonable suspicion standard. However, the only court to address the Fourth Amendment protections of laptops at the national border held that customs may search any electronic device at the border without any level of suspicion. In United States v. Arnold, the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals rejected a defendant’s contention that search of travelers’ files on a laptop computer intrude upon a person’s dignity and privacy interests to the same degree as searches of a traveler’s body. Instead, the court ruled that searches of electronic materials are legally equivalent to searches of property. As such, Customs’ authority to search electronic materials at the border are limited in only two ways: (1) the search may not cause exceptional damage to the property; and (2) the search may not be conducted in “a particularly offensive manner.”] These restrictions are applicable to all border searches of property, at least under the jurisdiction of these courts.  According to Arnold, the characteristics that make electronic storage devices unique, including vast storage capacity and the ability to track its user’s habits, tastes, and preferences, are not legally significant. Additionally, the Ninth Circuit held that searching through personal electronic information in a laptop does not constitute an “offensive search.”

Although the Supreme Court has not addressed the standard of suspicion necessary for a warrantless border search of electronic materials, the only jurisprudence thus far, guided by Ickes and Arnold, suggests that customs officers may search any electronic materials (including laptops, CDs, MP3 players, cellular phones, and digital cameras) randomly, without any suspicion, and without any first amendment restrictions.

One major impact of these cases is that commerce may be exceptionally impacted. Sensitive business information, academic materials for conferences, and other types of valuable information may be delayed by these practices. Some devices may be held for years, effectively making this a deprivation of property under the Fifth Amendment. Sensitive information that is withheld that long could lose all value. Many devices depreciate in value over time due to introduction of new devices, and this depreciation of the physical device could also be considered a taking.

My best advice is:

1.) Be sure ALL electronic devices are at least charged enough to power up for 5 or 10 minutes. Dead electronic devices are automatically suspicious and will result in further possibly lengthy examination[s]

1.) Keep nothing on your phone if traveling and crossing the US border but everything on the cloud and do not let any device remember the Cloud access Password.

2.) Use a prepaid phone when you travel and only load the phones numbers and information you need for your trip. If the phone gets stolen of confiscated you’re not out your $400 to $600 smart phone.

3.) Avoid traveling with a lap top unless absolutely necessary. Use a cheap tablet. Again password protect the tablet’s access and any sensitive information with a separate passcode. Access your email via a browser rather than an email app so nothing is downloaded to your tablet. Store everything in the could. once again better to lose a $250 cheap tablet instead of an iPad.

4.) Be frank with the ICE agent if he asks why there is so little on the phone or tablet. Tell him while you accept that you are powerless to prevent this search of your personal electronic without due cause you took steps before you traveled  to limit any potential invasion of your privacy and/ or loss of personal data and devices.

5.) DO NOT give him any passwords under any circumstances. They are empowered to search what is physically in your possess and they can physically touch, not what is stored in the cloud. If you fail to head my warning to use and use any form or removable media (external drive, flash drive or memory card) and it is in your possession they can hook it up and examine its contents because it is physically in your possession.

6.) CAREFULLY READ AND BOOKMARK FOR FUTURE REFERENCE THIS ‘KNOW YOUR ELECTRONIC RIGHTS’ GUIDE by the EFF. IT covers both aspect we’ve briefly discussed above in greater depth and detail. https://www.eff.org/issues/know-your-rights#17

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For those of you who lead quiet social trending deprived lives of blissful ignorance and do not understand this reference allow me to enlighten you as to what happens when Coke and Mentos combine:

 

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Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1440

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Good Morning Campers,
Well, we have a couple of really important things to talk about today.  First of all, I want to thank Lethal for the wonderful write-up he had for me last Wednesday.  It truly brought a tear to my blue dragon eye.  Thank you my friend.  It was very, very nice.

Secondly, tomorrow’s Father’s Day.  Take a moment to call your dad and tell him you love him.  On a personal note: Dad, I’ll call you this weekend and whelpling, I’ll see you later today.  To all you fathers out there….I hope it’s a wonderfully happy day.

And Last, but certainly not least, tomorrow is our dear Molly’s Birthday.  For those of you who don’t know, Molly is my buddy Lethal’s better half.  Everybody who knows or have even heard of her knows she must be an angel, a saint and a psychologist all rolled up into one to put up with our dear Lethal.  I understand that the Vatican is asking for her for some sort of consulting job.

Happy Birthday dear Molly.  And when you get mad at me about this, just remember it was your dear Lethal who tipped me off it was your birthday.

Now…

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A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex:
Husband: “Sukitaki. Mojitaka!”
Wife replies: “Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!”
Husband says angrily: “Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!”
Wife on her knees literally begging: “Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!”
Husband shouts angrily: “Na miaou kina Tim kouji!”
I can’t believe you just sat there trying to read this – you don’t
know Japanese.
You’ll read anything as long as it’s about sex … You need serious help!
Sometimes I worry about you.

 

7

 

As I notice other people AGE, I REALIZE THAT: 

 
~I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.
~Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.
~I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
~My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
~The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
~When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it’s like a mini vacation.
~The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.
~Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
~If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.
~When the kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes”.
~At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for. 

 

1442

 

 

Two young businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store’s merchandise wasn’t in….only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, “I’ll bet that any minute now some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, “What are you selling here?”

One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling ass-holes.”

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, “You must be doing well as you only have two left.”

Seniors….don’t mess with them. They didn’t get old by being stupid!

 

1443

 

 

Thanks to Jean for this look at the future of 911 calls:

 

 

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No more need said…except that they got a really “cute and nice” likeness of me.  I think it gives the wrong impression to how much of a mean S.O.B. I really am.

 

It doesn’t matter what party you belong to – this is good natured
political humor from a show on Canadian TV, where a black comedian

said he misses Bill Clinton.
Yep, that‘s right – I miss Bill Clinton!”

He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.
He played the sax.

He smoked weed.

He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him … his wife works, and he doesn’t!   And, he
gets a check from the government every month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America ‘s
shelves this week with ” Clinton Soup,” in honor of one of the
nations’ distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot
water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill
Clinton. The DodgeDrafter will be built in Canada.When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied,
“I don’t know, I never had one.”

The Clinton revised judicial oath: “I solemnly swear to tell the
truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and
nothing but what I think you need to know.”

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do
Hanky Panky between the Bushes.

 

7a

 

There was an adult bookstore that opened right next door to a church.
 
The church members were unhappy about that, so they prayed that the store would go away.
 
Sure enough the store burned to the ground.
 
The bookstore owner took the church to court.
 
The judge after hearing the complaint said that she couldn’t comment on how the case would be settled but she thought it amazing the 525 church members didn’t believe in the power of prayer and one adult bookstore owner who did.
7b

and as funny as that is….it’s also so true.

 

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Consider yourself warned!!

A mother complained to her doctor about her daughter’s strange eating habits. “All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her, doctor?” the mother inquired. “Eventually,” said the doctor, “she will rise and shine!”

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My son, Ken, was married yesterday. I heard him tell his bride, Caryn, that his ring was so tight it was cutting off his circulation. She replied, “That’s what it is supposed to do.”
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Two atoms are walking along. One of them says: “Oh, no, I think I lost an electron.” “Are you sure?” “Yes, I’m positive.”
boomerang-bomb
Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to license it. Seems it was habit forming.
Frying Pan

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We were driving in my friend Larry’s new car. I asked him about its features. He listed the usual, then added, “It tells me to slow down as I approach the speed limit. It warns me when I have to stop. It points out solid no-passing lines.” I expressed my amazement. “But,” he explained, “these features work only when my wife is in the car.”
 
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Our version of pin-the-tail-on-the-dragon

 

 

When you vote for an incumbent you are perpetuating our government as it is now.  Nothing will change.

These three, short sentences tell you a lot about the direction of our current government and cultural environment:

   1.)   We are advised NOT to judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics, but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics. 

   2.)   Seems we constantly hear about how Social Security is going to run out of money.

   How come we never hear about welfare or food stamps running out of money?  What’s interesting is the first group “worked for” their money, but the second didn’t. 

   3.)   Why are we cutting benefits for our veterans, no pay raises for our military and cutting our army to a level lower than before WWII, but we are not stopping payments to illegal aliens such as monthly payments for each child, money for housing, food stamps, free education including college and also the right to vote?

 

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A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down.
 
After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.
 
He replied, “No thanks. I don’t drink. I tried it once, but I didn’t like it.”

So the bartender said, “Well, would you like a cigarette?”

But the man said, “No thanks. I don’t smoke. I tried it once, but I didn’t like it.”

The bartender asked him if he’d like to play a game of pool, and again the man said,
“No thanks. I don’t like pool. I tried it once, but I didn’t like it.
 
As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t be here at all, but I’m waiting for my son.”

The bartender said, “Your only son, I’m guessing.”

 

 

Lethal Leprechaun, the king of identifying scams and keeping us safe on line, dropped me a special line the other day about this.  We discussed it quickly and both of us agreed it couldn’t really wait until his next issue, so he put this together for special delivery for this issue.

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Facebook scam promises free groceries
6a

Facebook has more than 1.44 billion users, which makes it a hacker’s paradise for posting scams. Even if only 1% of users fall for the scam at first, that’s still tens of millions of potential victims. And once they get hooked by the scam, it’s more likely some of their friends will as well, followed by those friends’ friends and so on.
 
Tell me if this sounds like a good deal to you: Spend $110 at Kroger, one of the nation’s largest grocery chains, and get $100 in free groceries. All you have to do is share that same coupon on your Facebook page. Here’s a photo of the coupon. Do you notice anything wrong with it?
6b

Sure, this looks like a real Kroger Coupon. It displays the company logo, there aren’t many obvious typos (but there are a few) or other telltale signs of a scam.

However, I noticed right away the absence of a barcode. These days every coupon features a barcode to be scanned at checkout that automatically credits the coupon’s value to your total.

If you were to click on this offer (which I highly discourage you from doing), you would be directed to this screen, asking you to share the coupon with your Facebook friends.

Simply put, DON’T DO IT! They say the best things in life are free, but all this is, is a free scam.

Here’s the official post from Kroger’s Facebook page, denouncing the fake coupon and scam:
6c

It reads:

Attention Kroger Customers: There is currently an unauthorized “Get $100 in Free Groceries when you spend $110 or more in one transaction” offer circulating on Facebook.

This giveaway is not affiliated with or supported by the Kroger Co. We recommend not engaging with the site that the offer links to, or providing any personal information.

Our team is actively working with Facebook as well as the domain service provider to address the concern.

Needless to say, this scam has already tricked a few thousand people. Please share this with any Kroger customer you might know so they don’t fall victim.

 

 

101

 

Eddie came to work Monday and his co-workers asked him how his weekend was. He said he played a little golf.

So, one of his co-workers asked him how well he did.

“I hit two of my best balls,” he said.

“Tell me about it,” said his co-worker.

“I stepped on a rake.”

 

1445

 

 

The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex.

The personnel office sent this reply… “Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex.

However, we have a few alcoholics.”

 

 

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I don’t have proof, of course, but I suspect this is one of Lethal’s Kitties keeping his priorities in order.

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Again, I’m can’t be 100% sure, but I’d think that this might have been photographed at Lethal’s house and just happened to end up as a public service announcement.

 

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I overheard my father telling a family friend about my newly assigned mission in the U.S. Coast Guard.

I work on a cutter that escorts all cruise ships and international vessels under the bridges in California’s Bay Area.

But what my father told his friend was, ‘She’s involved in some sort of escort service.’

 

1446

 

A woman said to her friend, “I don’t know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can’t imagine. He doesn’t put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things.”

The friend says, “Take a tip from me.  The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, ‘Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'”

The first woman asked, “Did it help?”

Her friend said, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since.”

 

1447

 

 

‘Nice threads, man,’ commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit.

‘Where’d you pick ’em up?’ Richard beamed.

‘My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?’ ‘I’ll say. What was the occasion?’ ‘Got me,’ admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug.

‘I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom.’

 

1448

That is no surprise to me at all!!!

 

For a while my husband and I had opposite schedules. He worked during the day, and I worked at night.

One morning I noticed he had left a not to himself on the kitchen counter that read, “STAMPS!”

As a helpful surprise, I bought him some at the post office and put them on the counter before going to work.

The next morning I found the same note. “STAMPS!” was crossed out.

Underneath it he had written, “ONE MILLION DOLLARS!”

 

 

1449

 

 

A small town Doctor was famous in the area for always catching really large fish.

One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth.

He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy. The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor used his fishing scales.

The baby weighed in at 22 lbs 10 oz.

 

1450

I can’t believe it!  He just gave the exact same briefing that I did yesterday at the staff meeting!

 

I went out to this restaurant not long ago and met the waitress of my dreams.

About halfway through dinner I called the waitress over and said, ‘Ma’am, this potato is bad.’

She nodded, picked up the potato, and smacked it.

Then she put it back on my plate and said, ‘Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know.’

I agree 100%.  I would LOVE to have had this waitress in any of my restaurants that I’ve run.  She sounds like a real peach!

 

1451

 

A Welshman, an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun.

After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.

Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went.

He was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun.

The Englishman inside said… ”Meow’.’ “Just cats,” he thought. He then prodded the second sack.

The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said… ”Woof’.’

“Just dogs,” he thought. As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say.

As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said… ”Potatoes!”

 

1452

 

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Humiliation

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Hummer H2

 

 

Turbo Encabulator

 

A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle.
 
At the end of the tour, the guide asks her how she enjoyed it.
 
She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.
 
“Don’t worry,” says the guide. “I’ve never seen a ghost all the time I’ve been here.”
 
“How long is that?” asks the girl.
 
“About three hundred years.”

1448

 

 

!cid_9C9A0F3A696D49389189668ADE667166@LaptopJeff

Posted in Uncategorized | 7 Comments

Leprechaun Laughs # 304 for June 17th 2015

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imageStep right on in folks its smaller on the outside, plenty of room for all inside. Please move to the back of the TARDIS and for the love of the universe keep your hands in your pockets please! I want you all there to witness what’s about to happen.

We’re taking a quick trip back in time to yesterday and then we’ll be right back to the current now. See this is all necessary because Impish unselfishly each year makes my Anniversary announcement only about me when his is just 2 days after mine. It really would be easier if he just announced both but I’m not going to complain when I have friends with toys like this to uh…borrow. OK! Ready? We’re off! <10 seconds of strange noises and blinking lights ensue>

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And we’re here! Welcome to Tuesday June 16th again. 

<Lethal hefts a large shoulder mounted tubular device which bears a certain resemblance to a shoulder fired missile launcher but is some how different..less well..deadly looking. You seriously wonder how deadly weapon painted in Orange and Green Camo can be, particularly one with a dragon in a clown suit painted on the blast shield depicted belching with the launch tube for a mouth.>

Come people, let’s now keep the man of the (reclaimed) hour waiting. Now when the door opens I want 1/2 of you lead by Ginny to rush out and surround Impish, he thinks he’s alone and nobody knows he’s in the conference room. He’s going to be very startled, especially when he sees me so his first reaction will be to flee for the door. That where those of you led by Diaman come him you guy rush to congregate in front of the doors blocking his exit until we can get him to take a breath and relax.

What? NO WAY! We come to praise Impish not kill him to paraphrase the Bard. IT’s just every time Impish sees me with something with a big bore  he goes..well frankly I have to call it all squirrelly. Now I’ll grant you a great deal of the time he has ample reason to do so because he’s generally provoked and annoyed me to the point I am shooting at him to get my point across, but that not the case today I promise. What is this? Well if I told you it would spoil the surprise now wouldn’t it? Still not convinced? OK look if Impish get seriously injured by it I’ll let you all draw straws to see who uses it on me fair enough? ok? Good. then Let’s Roll, them leaders take your places, everyone remember their team and assignment now, LET’S ROLL!

As you race out the door of the TARDIS and into the Conference Room intent on reaching your assigned position you all find a very surprised Impish Dragon plopped in the middle of the cheap seats having what appears to be a private moment with an impossible large Pastrami Sandwich and giant pickle.

“What ? How? Where? What are you guys doing here? OH NO!”

After shrieking like a 6 year old girl the first thing he does is attempt to snatch up the sandwich and flee crying out

NO! It’s MINE! ALL MINE! I found it unattended after someone slipped a note under my door and it’s MINE now I don’t care if Lethal lost it! Back off and nobody has to become a walking Pork Cracklin’ you hear?”

Almost immediately he realizes he’s trapped while simultaneously spotting Lethal and his…”device” while searching for a way out.

“Look Lethal pal finders keepers right? I mean it was abandoned and I got this note slid under my door and everything. How could I resist as Pastrami sandwich with your pastrami this size? I never get this much of your pastrami at one time. Even when I whine! Seriously Dude I swear the note is in my office! Ask Terrance! TERRANCE! I’ll bet he set me up that treacherous traitorous Troll! Don’t shoot me! Shoot Terrance! Beside if you shoot me you’ll mess up the sandwich right?”

“Relax Impish I purposely placed the sandwich here for you myself. I wrote the note and gave it to Terrance with instructions precisely when to slide it under your door as well. IT’s for you you deserve it and so is this!”

Lethal suddenly swings the cannon onto his shoulder, squeezes the trigger and fires the weapon, even from your perspective, over well over Impish’s head. A large multi-colored orb lobs out of the device traveling to a point about 15 feet above Impish’s head where it explodes into confetti, sparkles and streamers. You notice at the same time all the displays in the room sudden light up and the sound system erupts into music and party horns. On the display you see the message:

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Nine years ago on this day, Impish who was delusional and thought he was some guy named Bob, decided there was too much BS in the World and he had to draw a line in the sand. He felt compelled to do something to combat it and to bring some mirth and cheer into the lives of friends, family and those who served. On that day DragonLaffs started out as a group email. Soon it was too much to be done just from an email program and so DragonLaffs graduated to a Yahoo group. Five years ago he met a funny little green guy quick of wit, wise of council and word, companionable in point of view. Most importantly this little green guy had an urge to help him when he was struggling to met the demands of this fantasy he stubbornly clings to that he’s some guy named Bob with a wife & kid and devote enough time to make DragonLaffs happen.

What I like to think as the second great era of DragonLaffs began with that collaboration and lasted a little over two years. Once again, we were confronted with growing pains. At that time we had over 800 members in the Yahoo group but we were looking to make thing better to avail ourselves of thing Yahoo would not allow us to do and to reduce the amount of time it took to create an issue as well as be able to see what it would look like before it posted. The little green dude counseled Impish,

“You should consider converting to a blog format. Everyone else is and it really seems to be the wave of the future.”

Impish harrumphed and pondered this, but didn’t do or say much. The LGD persisted,

“With a freeware WYSIWYG editor you can create an issue in 1/2 the time and preview it before it posts to the blog! Heck you can ever schedule blogs posts to happen automatically if you manage to get them done ahead of time instead of rushing in the morning to get it out in between slurping enough coffee to appear moderately sentient and running off to your fantasy day life!”

Impish began wondering if the LGD didn’t have a serious point, after all he’d already talked Impish through several serious technical issues and shown him how to make what he thought were pretty good cyber security defenses ever better and used his knowledge to have a literally crazy person permanently banned from the Yahoo group after she kept rejoining under different names to harass the group. He decided he’d nose around a bit and see what was involved and how hard it really was.

Then one day Impish called excitedly to LGD,

“DUDE! See what I have! I now own the domain name ‘DragonLaffs.com’! “

LGD was guardedly optimistic that Impish might be starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. He ran to the end of the tunnel to rig a blower fan with several urns of brewing coffee behind it to help his friend Impish find the end of the tunnel faster.

A short while later, Impish again came the the LGD and said,

“Dude! Check it out! Click this link! Let me know what you think. I’m so excited!”

LGD did as he was bid and what he saw brought a tear to his eye and pride to his heart, Impish had trusted him enough to take a chance. He was looking at a still under construction but actual DragonLaffs Blog site! A very short time later came the great announcement at the yahoo group. Honestly this was met but the Luddites with a great uprising there was much crying wailing and gnashing of teeth over the change. Many didn’t care what it took to do things the old way or how hard it was on  us they demanded their ancient technology status quo.

Despite this we made the switch and tried to appease them by posting notices of each new issue on the old site until they became comfortable with the change. Alas the comfort never changes and the whining and cajoling continued. However for every whiner and cajoler there was someone approving mightily and enthusiastically of the change. Impish and LGD stayed their course slowing figuring out both the intricacies of the program they now used to create the issues as well as the controls for the web host’s page. We lost many readers in the switch and have never managed to return to the numbers we once had but in the process of the move we discovered something more precious our true friends.

So today on the occasion of Impish’s 9th Anniversary I ask you raise your coffee with me and toast Impish, his dedication, his vision and his friendship without which we’d all be the much poor for! 

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Now folks if you’d be so kind as to step back into the Tar…uh magic box we’ll get back to the issue! No, that ok Impish you finish what we interrupted and we’ll ah.. see you again in a moment I promise. Come on folks step it up tick tock literally and all that you all fit before you can do it again! A quick trip forward in time to the present and then we’ll be right back to the current now. OK! Ready? We’re off!

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<10 seconds of strange noises and blinking lights ensue> And we’re here! Welcome to Wednesday June 17th.  Now though we were about 10 minutes in the past from the prospective of those here we’ve been absent only about a minute. So I want you all to move quickly and silent out the door and to your seats. If we do it right nobody will be any the wiser, especially Impish, which could get really complicated and cause him serious problems ok? Do it for the Big Blue Guy!

As you all quickly exit the box and silently dash for your places you attempt to conceal your conspiratorial grins and smirks amid 10 seconds of strange noises and rotating beacon> as Impish can be heard  raising a commotion coming down the hall,

“I’m telling you Terrance there is nobody,just CyberLethals in the Conference…<he enters the room doors flying back as you all turn to look>..Room?”

Come on in Impish! Grab your seat please and put a jiggle in it as you’re late, I was just about to say the magic words:

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Spoken by the dragon who thinks the ‘Wide Load” sign attached to the back of his jeans is a brand label!

The Top 5 Quotes from Donald Trump’s Campaign Announcement Speech

Once again, Donald “Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow” Trump might announce that he’s going to run for President and he’s scheduled to make some kind of announcement on June 16th.

  1. “First thing, I’ll add 93 stories to the White House and rename it Trump House.”
  2. “Tippecanoe and toupee too!”
  3. “My first act as president will be to fire the 49.999% of Americans who voted against me.”
  4. “I promise I will also verify the death certificates of any deceased Presidents.”

And the Number One Quote from Donald Trump’s Campaign Announcement Speech…

  1. “I’ll agree to be your President if you all sign this pre-nup.”

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There is a great cautionary tale there…as well as a HELL of a story about how Impish’s ‘Lil Impish’ wound up permanently blue too!

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Actually having one there nearly every night at some point (though usually a mirror image of that one) is what keeps me from having emotional breakdowns..or becoming a serial killer!

Christopher Lee Dies at 93; Actor Breathed Life Into Nightmarish Villains

Christopher Lee, the physically towering British movie actor who lent his distinguished good looks, Shakespearean voice and aristocratic presence to a gallery of villains, from a seductive Count Dracula to a dreaded wizard in “The Lord of the Rings,” died on Sunday in London. He was 93.

Christopher Lee played villains masterfully, from the evil wizard Saruman in “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy to one of the scariest of villains, Dracula himself, in a series of British Hammer films. He was a James Bond baddie in “The Man With the Golden Gun” and a Dark Side convert in the “Star Wars” prequels. On the side, he was an operatic and heavy metal singer, releasing a number of albums including the award-winning “Charlemagne: By the Sword and the Cross.” Lee died June 7, 2015, and we’re looking back on a brilliant career.

He had a very famous group of relatives. He was related to Civil War icon Robert E. Lee and to the author of the James Bond series, Ian Fleming.

Lee famously portrayed the titular character in The Man With the Golden Gun‘ the villain Francisco Scaramanga.

Lee was also asked by Fleming to play Dr. No in the James Bond's first film outing, but was overruled by the film's producers. He was also considered for Bond himself.

Lee was also asked by Fleming to play Dr. No in the James Bond’s first film outing, but was overruled by the film’s producers. He was also considered for Bond himself.

He hosted Saturday Night Live in 1978 after a string of American hits. Many thought it was beneath him, which he said was precisely why he agreed to do it.</p>
<p>For those curious, Meatloaf was the musical guest.

He hosted Saturday Night Live in 1978 after a string of American hits. Many thought it was beneath him, which he said was precisely why he agreed to do it.

For those curious, Meatloaf was the musical guest.

His stint on SNL both paid off and blew up in his face in a way. </p>
<p>Steven Spielberg said that he cast Lee in 1941 after seeing he could do comedy on the stage. He was also offered Leslie Nielsen's role in Airplane! but turned it down since he was already doing a comedy.  He called that the biggest mistake of his career.

His stint on SNL both paid off and blew up in his face in a way.

Steven Spielberg said that he cast Lee in 1941 after seeing he could do comedy on the stage. He was also offered Leslie Nielsen’s role in Airplane! but turned it down since he was already doing a comedy. He called that the biggest mistake of his career.

Lee was a member of the Special Operations Executive during World War 2, better known by it's nickname; the Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare.</p>
<p>Lee and his comrades would run raids behind enemy lines. And not just your rinky-dink destroy-an-entire-German-airfield type raid (yes they did that too), but more along the lines of a destroy-the-secret-Nazi-Nuclear-program-in-Norway, type of mission.<br />
He was, in many ways, the real James Bond.

Lee was a member of the Special Operations Executive during World War 2, better known by it’s nickname; the Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare.

Lee and his comrades would run raids behind enemy lines. And not just your rinky-dink destroy-an-entire-German-airfield type raid (yes they did that too), but more along the lines of a destroy-the-secret-Nazi-Nuclear-program-in-Norway, type of mission.
He was, in many ways, the real James Bond.

Lee was an accomplished musician as well. He released multiple heavy metal albums, including Christmas versions as well. Here's a link to his renditions of  the Little Drummer Boy and Silent Night.

Lee was an accomplished musician as well. He released multiple heavy metal albums, including Christmas versions as well. Here’s a link to his renditions of the Little Drummer Boy and Silent Night.

Lee was knighted in 2009, so when you all start your Lee movie marathons this weekend, remember to tip your hat to Sir Christopher Lee.  </p>
<p>Truly a modern legend.

Lee was knighted in 2009, so when you all start your Lee movie marathons this weekend, remember to tip your hat to Sir Christopher Lee.

Truly a modern legend.

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Wings without the mess

We have a love-hate relationship with wings. The taste is great; the mess, not so much. So we set out to find a solution. The result? Buffalo chicken meatballs. These bites are spicy, tangy and perfectly tender, but infinitely more white summer wear friendly.

Makes: 6 to 8 appetizer servings   Start to Finish: 40 minutes

Ingredients

4 tablespoons olive oil, divided
2 celery stalks, finely minced
½ white onion, finely minced
1 egg, lightly beaten
1 tablespoon mustard
1 pound ground chicken
1 cup bread crumbs
1 teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
6 tablespoons butter
¾ cup Buffalo-style hot sauce
1 cup blue-cheese dressing (optional)

Directions

1. In a small skillet, heat 1 tablespoon of the olive oil over medium heat. Add the celery and onion, and cook until tender, 3 to 4 minutes. Let cool to room temperature.

2. In a medium bowl, mix the cooled celery mixture with the egg, mustard and ground chicken to combine. Add the bread crumbs, salt and pepper; mix to combine.

3. Form the mixture into 1-inch balls. Heat the remaining 3 tablespoons olive oil over medium heat. Add the meatballs and cook until golden brown all over, 2 to 3 minutes per side (8 to 10 minutes total). Shake the pan to roll the meatballs around in the hot oil to ensure they’re fully cooked through.

4. In a medium pot, melt the butter over medium heat. Add the hot sauce and whisk to combine until smooth. Toss the meatballs in the sauce to coat.

5. Serve the meatballs warm with a side of blue-cheese dressing (if using).

Note: The meatballs can be made up to two days ahead and gently reheated on the stove or in the microwave.

I use a  round bottomed scoop from an old coffee canister to auto portion the meatballs and this causes me to get about 16 one ounce balls per batch. So right off you can tell I’m making double batches and usually 2 of those when I make this.

I’ve also found that a get a better meatball, texture , integrity and flavor wise using 1# of ground chicken to 1# ground dark meat turkey in my double batches. Because I’m making large amounts and two different meats, I use a stand mixer with a paddle attachment. This more thoroughly incorporates everything (mix the meats for a minute before adding other ingredients) and gives me a firmer denser texture meatball which not only in more reminiscent of the chicken wing but stay together much better when skewered and lifted out of pan.

Personally when doing this recipe for a party I continue up to step 3 then refrigerate the meatballs. The day of the party I make the sauce, place the cold meatballs in in the pan of sauce to coat and then into a crockpot to finish heating/warming and absorbing the sauce.

Keep extra sauce on had (or a beer) as you might need to add it to the crockpot as the sauce thickens to keep it from sticking/burning or the meatballs from drying out.

Don’t limit these to just appetizers or buffet item either! Put a couple of them in a taco shell or hot dog bun have a tray with appropriate toppings (blue cheese crumbles or Ranch & Blue Chees Dips/Dressings, Coles Slaw shredded, chopped or thinly sliced celery and extra sauce work well). They work well as a slider using corn bread muffins too, just flatten them a bit with a fork before placing on a muffing and topping them.

Finally if you don’t have buffalo sauce or are not a fan of it, use Picante that you’ve spun in a blender in place of it in the recipe.

Berry Lemonade Slush

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Prep Time: 10min.

Total Time: 10min.

Servings:

4 servings, 1 cup each

 

 

 

Ingredients:

  • Country Time Lemonade Flavor Drink Mix

  • 1 cup fresh or frozen strawberries, blueberries or sliced peeled peaches

  • 1 cup water

  • 2 cups ice cubes

Directions:

  1. Measure drink mix into cap to 1 quart line (1/2 cup).
  2. Let guests choose their fruit then blend water, drink mix and fruit in blender until smooth. Add ice; blend on high speed until thickened.
  3. Serve immediately.

Frozen fruit makes this way easier and faster to do with the added bonus of using fruit that might not be in season. Need I mention the ‘adult beverage possibilities’ that exist with this mixture? Don’t over look adult add ins like Peachtree, Mead, Lemoncello,  or Fruit/Sparkling wines. Just remember, higher proof= more alcohol= faster melting time so this is a time when the alcohol should be added to individual glasses and not to the blender/pitcher. Keeping the glasses small and chilling them or using insulated ones should also help.

Mama K’s Camper Style Potatoes

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Ingredients:

2 pounds red potatoes, thinly sliced

16 ounces Summer Sausage, thinly sliced

12 ounces Shredded Cheddar Cheese, divided

4 ounces  Sour Cream

2 teaspoons  Iodized Salt

1 teaspoon  Ground Black Pepper

1 teaspoon  Garlic Powder

Directions:

  1. Preheat oven to 375°.
  2. In a large mixing bowl, combine potatoes, sausage, half the cheese, sour cream and seasonings.
  3. Place mixture on a double layer of 12×12-inch pieces of aluminum foil. Top with remaining cheese. Fold the corners together to make a pouch.
  4. Bake for 35-45 minutes or until potatoes are tender.

TIP: The aluminum foil pouch can also be cooked on a closed grill or simply placed directly into a campfire.  If making in a campfire, place a large flat rock on the edge of the fire, about ½ way in the fire, and rotate potato pouch after about 20 minutes

Works well with ham too (I use a pre-sliced like Hormel’s Cure 81 which does seem to have as much salt) or partially precooked breakfast sausage patties, even good quality smoked rope sausage (slice on severe bias). The ham and sausage versions are always in demand at the annual family river rafting trip to accompany eggs for breakfast. I even get potato slicing volunteers if I’ll make it. 

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Am I getting to be That Age?

Today I was in a store that sells sunglasses and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asked, “what brings you in today?” I looked at her, and said, “I’m interested in buying a refrigerator.”  She didn’t quite know how to respond.

When people see a cat’s litter box they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?”

Just once I want to say, “No, it’s for company!”

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency.

I think you should write, “An ambulance.”

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today

is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. 

Since I can’t afford one, I’m wearing my garage door opener.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it

“Pumping Rust”.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

Birds of a feather flock together, and then poop on your car.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me …. They were cramming for their finals

As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL?

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

Did you ever notice: When you put the words “The” and “IRS” together they spell “Theirs”?

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their “odometers.”  Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

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Top 12 ‘dirty’ fruits and vegetables

Published On: May 01 2014 11:47:26 AM CDT Updated On: Jun 12 2015 01:00:00 AM CDT

EWG analyzed pesticide residue testing data from the U.S. Department of Agriculture and Food and Drug Administration to come up with rankings for these popular fresh produce items. All 48 foods are listed below from worst to best (lower numbers = more pesticides)

Note: EWG analyzed pesticide tests of 48 popular produce items. Domestic and imported versions of two items – blueberries and snap peas – showed sharply different results, so we have ranked those domestic and imported items separately. As a result, the full list of foods ranked by the Shopper’s Guide displays 50 entries.

1  Apples
2  Peaches
3  Nectarines
4  Strawberries
5  Grapes
6  Celery
7  Spinach
8  Sweet bell peppers
9  Cucumbers
10  Cherry tomatoes
11  Snap peas – imported
12  Potatoes
13 Hot peppers +
14  Blueberries – domestic
15  Lettuce
16  Kale / collard greens +
17  Cherries
18  Plums
19  Pears
20  Green beans
21  Raspberries
22  Winter squash
23  Tangerines
24  Blueberries – imported
25  Carrots
26 Summer squash
27  Broccoli
28  Snap peas – domestic
29  Green onions
30  Bananas
31  Oranges
32  Tomatoes
33  Watermelon
34  Honeydew melon
35  Mushrooms
36  Sweet potatoes
37 Cauliflower
38  Cantaloupe
39 Grapefruit
40 Eggplant
41 Kiwi
42 Papayas
43 Mangos
44  Asparagus
45 Onions
46 Sweet Peas (frozen)
47  Cabbage
48 Pineapple
49 Sweet Corn
50  Avocados

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Leprechaun-Running-With-A-Beer-And-Flag Closing

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Dragon Laffs #1439

anniversary

Good Morning Campers,

Before we get started, I’d like to make an important announcement.  Can we lower the lights please? 

Thank you

And a drum roll please……

Ahem!

Tomorrow, on Sunday, June 14th, it will be Lethal Leprechaun’s Fifth Anniversary of writing Leprechaun Laffs!  Congratulations buddy!  I’m proud of you. 

A little more than five years ago, when I was struggling to put out a decent ezine, this guy offered to lend a hand.  Shortly thereafter he had his own following and Leprechaun Laffs was born.  Those of you who’ve been with us for the whole time probably remember how we slowly melded our styles until we have the wonderful product and stories that we have today.

Lethal, I’m so very proud to call you friend.  We’ve never met face-to-face, but yet we communicate every single day.  I know your family and you know mine and honestly, I would go to the ends of the earth for this man, or his family and I know that he would do the same for me and mine.  Semper fi my brother and congratulations.  You are the best.  A closer friend and buddy I’ve never had.

Now, I’m not going to go on about any other subject, I don’t want to take anything away from the milestone for Lethal, so …

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My grandmother died in the 80’s but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce: The long walks we used to take to the shop in town, the 5 cents she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or cleaning off the driveway. Her soothing hands when I would get hurt. But the thing I remember most was her sage advice.

Once when I was about 13, we were sitting in the park enjoying

a cookie and a Coke. She told me that one day I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.

“Always remember this, she said.

“Be sure you marry a woman with small fingers and hands.

“How come, Grandma?”

She smiled and said gently,  “Makes your dick look bigger.

” Grandma was special!

.

 

8

Atta Girl!!

 

During a lady’s medical examination, the British doctor says,  “Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.”

The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.

“No! No! …. Just stick out your tongue!”

8b

 

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.” To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know shit?”

And then she went back to reading her book.

 

8d

 

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.
The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?” All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?” Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn’t remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: “I love you, sweetheart.”
The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.
 
Here are some of the replies:
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What’s up with you??
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don’t understand what you mean?
6. What the ___ did you do now?
7. You’re kidding, right ?
8. Don’t beat about the bush; just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she???

 

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As you can see, this is a picture done by little Suzy, who is so enamored of her reading teacher that she drew a picture of the two of them reading together.  Afterwards, Suzy went back to play with the other dragons and her teacher moved on to the next pupil.

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The Farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.

To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and gremule kickingeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that when ever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say, ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t. It’s booked up for a year.’

 

8e

It’s funny.  I would say this is the exact ratio that Mrs. Dragon and I have when we sleep…although she would claim it was the exact opposite.  Well, I proved her wrong one day, by getting up in the middle of the night and taking a picture of the blankets all pulled over to her side of the bed and and the bottom of the blankets actually 6 or 8 inches onto my side of the bed so there was NO covers for me.

I showed her the picture the next morning as proof of what happened.

She crushed my camera.

Like I said.

It’s funny.

 

When the Whelpling was just a little dragon and he was in church with his mother when he started feeling ill.
“Mommy” he said “Can we leave now?”
“No” his mother replied.
“Well, I think I have to throw up!”
“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.”
In about two minutes the little dragon returned to his seat.
“Did you throw up?” his mother asked.
“Yes” the whelpling replied.
“Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?”
“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy” the little dragon replied, “They have a box next to the front door that says ‘for the sick’.

And people wonder why I’m banned from so many places.

 

8f

And so very many of the liberals believe that all they have to do is follow this man and all of their fantasies will come true.

 

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up.
“Any specific problems you should tell me about?” the doctor asked.
“Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours.” she replied. “Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?”
“Well,” the doctor answered, “Hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much to you lose when you have your period?”
After calculating for a moment, the hooker replied, “Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess.

 

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Another self-portrait done by one of our students.  You can see she instilled a little bit of magic into her painting to get it to move like that.  If you watch it carefully, you can see her get up and walk around and then she’ll come back and sit back down again.  Every now and then I’ve caught her doing her homework while she’s in the picture. 

 

Lethal Leprechaun and Impish Dragon were sitting on a bench under a tree in one of the gardens outside their offices.  Lethal turns to the dragon and says: ‘Impish, I’m getting older now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’
 
Impish says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’
 
‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’
 
Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

 

 

8g

Yup, there’s a couple of anti-obama pictures in here this week… I just can’t help myself.  When someone sends them to me, I just have to pass them on.  Don’t think I wont give equal time to the other side, all you have to do is send me a funny joke or picture and if I haven’t heard it before and it makes me laugh, then it will probably get put into an issue.

 

8a

And according to him… he deserves it.

 

Okay and one more…
8j

 

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from the Prime Minister of Israel. “Your Holiness,” said one of the cardinals, “the Prime Minister wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.” 

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never played golf. “Do we have a cardinal who plays who can represent me?” he asked. 

“None that play well,” the cardinal replied. “But there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is very devout. We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play as your personal representative. Besides showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll win the match.” 

Everyone agreed it was a good idea and the call was made. Of course, Nicklaus wasgolf honored and agreed to play. 

The day after the match, Nicklaus came to the Vatican to report to the Pope. “I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness,” the golfer told the Pope. 

“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus.” 

“I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some great golf in my life, this was the best I’ve ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons accurate and purposeful, and my putting perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.” 

“And there’s bad news?” asked the Pope. 

“Yes,” Nicklaus sighed. “I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Woods.” 

 

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Yeah!  No shit!  Don’t call me and tell me that!!!

 

-How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
 
-Just two. One to explain to the public that everything possible is being done to solve the problem, and the other to screw the light bulb into the water faucet.

 

100

 

While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son with her.
 
Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked,
“Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?”
 
“What do you say?” she asked.
 
Respectfully, the boy replied, “You’re thin and beautiful.”
 
The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.

 

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I agree!  What the hell is that thing???

 

A woman says to her mother, “I’m divorcing Sheldon!

 

All he wants is anal sex and my rear end is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece.”

 

Mother says “You’re married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $3,000 a week allowance,  you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away for 45 cents?

 

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Human Cloaning

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A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.

“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”

The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture shows his PROFILE.”

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it’s a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
He quickly adds “…think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmmmm…the suspect wears contact lenses.”
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer…wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “Wow! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”
That’s easy,” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear! 

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As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs.  Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my baseball bat, thinking that could scare him off, and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit.

I came around the corner with the bat raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I thought I heard an intruder. I came down to scare him.”

She looked my naked self up and down and mumbled, “You didn’t need the bat.”

 

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With the clang of the portcullis closing behind him, Impish Dragon pauses and mumbles to himself, “That coffee and pastrami sandwich was really good, but why do I still feel so hungry?  I’ll have to hurry with that report for Mr. Green so I can go to the canteen and get another light snack to hold me over till lunch.  Thank goodness this report is only for our records.  I’m sure I would have been grounded if I had to report seeing little green men for real.”

As he waddles towards the exit he sees a figure appear from the shadows walking towards him.  As he reaches the light he sees a bald headed human.  With a deep, almost Shakespearean voice he asks, “Pardon me, Mr. Dragon.  Can you perhaps direct me towards Mr. Green’s current location?”

“Ah, sure buddy.  Just continue down this hall, when you get to the gate, ask the guard and he’ll get you to the right place.”

As the man passes, he enters into the light and Impish gets a good look at him.  As the man says, “Thank you sir.  You are quite kind.”  Impish says, “Patrick Stewart?!”

“Oh no, my dear dragon.  You can call me Jean Luc.”
  And with that he disappears back into the shadows heading towards the portcullis.

Impish turns and stares at the retreating back.  “Nah!  What in the world would Patrick Stewart be doing here.” And he turns and waddles out the exit, flaps his wings and soars into the sky back towards the main offices of DL&LL Enterprises.

 

In Chitty, Chitty – Bang, Bang’s garage / living room, Terrance says, “The Blue One has been flashed again.”

The very steampunk looking car replies, in her unique cockney accent, “Oh dear.  Mr. Green is going to give him brain damage.”

Terrance the Troll chuckles, “Don’t you have to have a brain before you can suffer brain damage?”

CB2 bumps his leg with her bumper, “Don’t be like that.  Don’t be like all the others who pick-on and tease him behind his back.” She gives a snort and a puff of black smoke exits from her exhaust, “Bloody hell, too many of them do it right to his face.  He is a founding member of this organization and is a lot smarter than most people believe.  I think it’s all a front, I think he just pretends to be that way.”

Before Terrance can answer, the door opens and Impish Dragon pokes his head in.  “There you are Terrance.” He tries to get all the way in through the door and gets his hips stuck.  He’s wider than the door and now, can’t move in or out.  “Um, can you give me a hand here?  I seem to be stuck.”

Terrance turns towards CB2 and says, sotto voice, “You were saying?  Doesn’t this situation remind you even a little bit of Winnie-the-Pooh stuck trying to get the honey?  This is the third time this week that he’s gotten stuck in that same door and he’s only BEEN here three times this week.”

Terrance turns towards Impish, “Yeah, hang on boss.  I gotcha.”  He walks over and pushes the button to raise the big garage door, then walks through and around to Impish’s ample posterior, takes a two-step running start and lands both feet on his ass.  With a soft pop, Impish stumbles into the room, falls over an easy chair and face plants beside CB2’s passenger door.  Terrance helps him up while reminding him, “Boss, you know you’re supposed to go through the big door.  You don’t fit through the little one.”

CB2 asks, “Mr. Blue?  Are you okay?”

“Oh, hi Chitty Babe.”
Impish climbs to his feet.  “I didn’t know you were here.  I was looking for Terrance.”

CB2 snorts and another little black puff of smoke comes out of her exhaust, “Mr. Blue, this is MY room.  Why wouldn’t I be here?  And STOP CALLING ME BABE!”

Impish dusts himself off and says, “Right, right Chitty sweetie, of course you would be here.  Why would you think you wouldn’t be here?  Are you okay?”  Before she can answer he continues, “Terrance, we have to finish that report for Mr. Green.  Come on.  I need you to type while I tell you what happened.  Let’s go.  And try to actually type the words I tell you.  What you type very rarely comes out the way I say it.  I don’t know why Mr. Green always accepts your typing and not mine.  Even when you get it wrong.”

As he’s prattling along, he’s pushing Terrance towards the office complex.

“See you later Chitty Babe.  Let’s go flying later.”

And with that, the two of them are gone.

“Bloody wanker.  Maybe he really is that stupid.”

 

As Impish and Terrance reach Impish’s office with Terrance trying to get a word in edgewise, they finally stop at Terrance’s desk and Terrance blurts, “I’ve been trying to tell you all along, that I’ve already got that report finished!  It just needs your paw print and it’s good to go back to Mr. Green.”

“But how do you know what to put in it?”

“You’ve told me the story a hundred times in the last two days!”


“I have?”

Terrance suddenly remembers the neuralyzer and realizes that Impish doesn’t remember telling him the story. “Yeah boss.  You had me write it all out for you.  It’s taken care of.”

“I did?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s done?”

“Yeah.”

“Finished?”

“Yeah.”

Impish stands there for a second, his brow furrowed in thought.  Terrance is worried that the dragon will realize that something is wrong.
“So then….”
“that means….”
” it must be lunch time!  Come on, I’m buying.”

Terrance reluctantly follows along behind his boss and says, “But lunch is free in the cafeteria.”

“Right.  That’s what I said.  I’m buying.”

 

Later that day, Impish is in CB2’s room, lounging on her couch, that was specially built for his use.  Chitty asks, “Impish, can I ask you something?”

“Sure, Chitty Babe, ask away.”

“Do you call me babe all the time just to piss me off?!”

“That’s the question you wanted to ask?” Impish chuckles.

“No.  Um… not, that’s not what I wanted to ask.  I wanted to ask, well…I’m not sure how to put this…”  There is a long pause as the two friends look at each other.  Finally, the car blurts out, “Are you pretending all the time or are you really that … off.”

“Off?”

“Oh alright.  Are you really that bloody stupid?!”  Chitty huffs and the engine gives a deep growling sound.
“I have seen you do some amazing things and be in complete control and commanding the situation.  The Ninja Kitties told me about the fighter jets and the canyon and you were 100% in charge and in control and handled everything just perfect and then you come down here and trip and fall and act like you’re a … a ….” She stops as she’s suddenly at a loss for words.

Impish leans in and Chitty believes he’s going to reveal something very important when he whispers, “You TALK to the Ninja Cats?!  Really?  They scare the heck out of me!”

“OH BLOODY HELL, IMPISH!  I’ve had enough! You are going to be honest with me or we can NEVER be true partners and I’ll NEVER go flying with you again!!”

They both sit staring at each other as the pause lengthens into the point of uncomfortableness.  The tension continues to build until Impish sighs and an almost visible change takes over his body and his expressions.  He gets up smoothly and walks over to the doors and locks them.  He removes a device from a pouch and puts it on the table before them.  It looks like a small transistor radio, with an antenna that he raises.  He pushes a button and a red light comes on.  A high pitched screeching is heard and the light turns green and there is silence.

“This won’t last long.  I’m sure security is wondering why all their cameras and speakers have stopped working and they will get it repaired quickly.”

“They have cameras and listening devices here?”

“Miss Chitty, Mr. Green has cameras and speakers EVERYWHERE!  Don’t think for a minute that there isn’t a place in this complex, or headquarters, or the pool area or anywhere that he can’t see and hear.  I know he does it for our protection, but there are times that it is a bit inconvenient.  Plus, I’m really not sure even this high tech device will work, not on him, but I know it will work on anyone else’s devices.  But, we don’t have much time.  As soon as that light turns red, our conversation is over and if I have to explain why I gave away secrets to my partner to Mr. Green, then I will do that, but you’re right.  As my partner you deserve to know the truth.  And the truth is that no, I’m not that stupid.  But it is a VERY good front and façade for people to think that I am.  I’m actually….”

The device on the table gives a beep, the light turns red and smoke begins to pour from it.  Impish grabs it and quickly deposits it in the old oil disposal pit.  It sputters and sinks out of sight.  As he stands up, he hears a click from the door and he says, “There, that’s got that bit of dirt on your rear fender that I saw.  You’re all pretty and shiny again, Chitty Babe.”

As a man walks in with a tool belt and tool box Chitty replies, “Don’t call me Babe.” But there’s no real sternness to her voice at all.

The man who walked in says, “Hi Miss Bang.  I’m Gerald from IT and I’m here to do that update on your computer systems.  I’m sure you got the email about it.  I’ll try to stay out of the way and be as unobtrusive as possible.  Please don’t let me interrupt.”

Neither Impish nor Chitty say anything about “Gerald from IT” coming in through a locked door.

“Well, Chitty, Babe.  I hear a pastrami sandwich calling my name.”  Impish puts his hand behind his ear in an exaggerated gesture as if listening.  “Yup, I can hear it now.  ‘Impish, eat me!  Impish, eat me!’  Well, it’s either that or one of the virgins calling to me.  Har! Har! Har!”  The laugh sounds genuine and loud.  “Guess I’ll talk to you later.”  He gives the car a wink and heads out the personnel door.  Getting himself stuck.  He turns his head around and yells, “Hey Jerry!  You!  IT Geek!  Can you come over and give me a push?”

Chitty is left with even more questions than she had before.

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