Dragon Laffs

Okay, so today is Wednesday, but you should be reading this on Saturday and while you are reading this, I’m hoping that I have lots of people over and the weather is cooperating so that my fence is being repaired. I’ve got people lined up and the dumpster lined up … but I haven’t heard much about the fence pieces being lined up. But, it’s all in God’s hands.

Speaking of weather, we are bracing for more tornadoes tonight. We were supposed to have two rounds. One from noon to five and the other from five to midnight or so. It is now going on five and the first round was a dud. Praise God. We don’t want any more tornadoes. But this evening is supposed to be the bad one. We continue to pray that God will continue to protect us, as He always has.

So, I was going to use AI to generate a picture for a header for the fence, which I can do with WordPress and I said, “Young blue dragon repairing a wooden fence.” and this is what I got:

So, then I said, make it a panel fence. And I got this one:

And then I thought, well I’m not going to be alone, so I said, to add bikers helping. This is what came out next:

And THEN I thought, well, it’s not just gonna be bikers, it’s gonna be folks from the church, so what should I call them? So I said, add Christians helping and the final picture looks like this:

And that just cracked me up, so I had to share it with you guys. So, picture that while you’re reading this issue and I’ll try to send some real pictures on Monday’s episode. Now…

STOP! BREAK! HOLD THE PRESSES!!

Today is Saturday and I got my laptop back! Yay! They got it done much faster than they thought! I’m SO HAPPY!

AND…Today is Saturday … Fence Day! The fence is DONE! So, pictures!

So first, the dumpster was delivered on Thursday. Thanks to my deputy for delivering this!

Okay, then last night, I went to bed, no fence and I got up this morning at around 6 am and …

Okay, so here’s the deal. The fencing gets dropped off at my house, right next to my living room windows, I don’t notice or wake up, THE DOGS DON’T BARK, how does this happen?!?! Let me explain…my dogs bark when a squirrel runs past the house!!! How did these guys drop off a stack of fencing and NOBODY noticed?!

U N B E L I E V E A B L E !!

Okay, old “Apocalypse Fence” looked like this:

New fence…

The completed fence!!!!!! I’m so very pleased. This is what it looks like from the neighbor’s yard. I hope they are pleased.

All I can say is, I am the one who is blessed by God. Everything came together, it was all part of God’s plan to bring everything together they way He did. I don’t know if the City will be happy with the way the fence looks, whether they’ll want more done, all I can say is that the guys did a fantastic job, God was with us the whole time, the weather was perfect, the help was all there, the tools were all there. I AM SO BLESSED. All praise go to you Lord!

And finally, the crew (minus one who took off early) who took care of it all.

From left: Robbie (Grandson), Ghost, Impish, Shane (Back) Tink (Front, dutch granddaughter), Angel (Daughter-in Law), Quentin, Hayden (other Grandson), Whelpling (Son), (missing Ron)

From here …. I think I’m going to just send this out, call it an issue and start on Monday’s. Thank you Lord, for all your blessings and thank you my friends for all of yours.

Well, I haven’t even gotten to Saturday and the fence and the next shoe has dropped.

My laptop has died.

My connection to you guys.

My ability to satisfy this addiction that I have. This craving that gnaws at my insides.

It’s not dead, dead. The battery is fried. It’s at the shop. Internal battery and they have to order one. That’s one of the downsides of living in a small town. Nothing is “on hand”.

So, I’m off line for about a week. But it’s a whole lot better than a new laptop.

I think I’ve told you before about how throughout my marriage with Mary, every year on or near our anniversary something would go wrong. Car breaks down, stove and refrigerator die (same year) all kinds of stuff! Every single year. We would count on it.

It hasn’t really happened since she passed away.

But our anniversary is coming up on July 15th. Making up for the last 4 years?

ROFLMAO!!!

No!!

I’m smiling here.

I went to the hospital this morning (don’t freak out, I just had some labs to do. Normal stuff.) and when I got home this is what I found from Willow dragon:

She ate her own pillow!

I had to laugh…I just had to.

Anyway my friends, I’ll try maybe to send updates through the phone like this one on fence Saturday but for the most part…I’ll just try to keep you updated.

Love you all!

Keep me in your prayers, I really think I need it!

Impish

I have another thank you to start this issue with. Thanks to Michael F for his kind donation that came in Monday morning. Thank you so very much my friend. Your generosity is deeply appreciated.

Dumpster is supposed to be delivered today, which should be step one in the great fence replacement caper. You know I’m going to take pictures, right? You should see those on Monday’s issue.

So, in the mean time, let’s get to the laughter so we can move on to the good stuff.

A mother had been teaching her three-year daughter, Caitlin, the Lord’s prayer. 

For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after her mother the lines from the prayer. 

Finally, she decided to go solo. 

The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: “Lead us not into temptation,” she prayed, “but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.” 

A Rabbi who’s been leading a congregation for many years is upset by the fact that he’s never been able to eat pork. 

So he devises a plan whereby he flies to a remote tropical island and checks into a hotel. 

He immediately gets himself a table at the finest restaurant and orders the most expensive pork dish on the menu. 

As he’s eagerly waiting for it to be served, he hears his name called from across the restaurant. 

He looks up to see 10 of his loyal congregants approaching. His luck, they’d chosen the same time to visit the same remote location! 

Just at that moment, the waiter comes out with a huge silver tray carrying a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth. 

The Rabbi looks up sheepishly at his congregants and says, “Wow – you order an apple in this place and look how it’s served!”

A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City. 

He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a resident New Yorker. 

He asked, “Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?” 

The Saudi replied, “Excuse me, but what is a shortage?” 

The Russian said, “Excuse me, but what is meat?”

The North Korean replied, “Excuse me, but what is an opinion?” 

The New Yorker replied, “What is ‘excuse me’?”

Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

– last words of Pancho Villa (1877-1923)

Every one of these is absolutely true!!! Being a former bomb troop, I can verify some of them myself and the rest through experience and logic!

MILITARY WISDOM

“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. 
That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.”
 -Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance. 

“Aim towards the Enemy.”  -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher 

“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
  -U.S. Marine Corps

“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. 
The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” 
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

“If the enemy is in range, so are you.”
   -Infantry Journal

“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.” 
-U.S. Air Force Manual

“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.”
 -Gen. Mac Arthur

“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.”
        -Infantry Journal

“You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me.” 
    -U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

“Tracers work both ways.”
-U.S. Army Ordnance

“Five second fuses only last three seconds.”  -Infantry Journal 

“Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last, and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.” 
-U. S Navy Swabbie

“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.”
            -David Hackworth 

“If your attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush.” 
            -Infantry Journal

“No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.”
      -Joe Gay

“Any ship can be a minesweeper… once.”  -Anon

“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.”
      -Unknown Marine Recruit

“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.”
           -Your Buddies 

“If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.”
    -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop 

“Kevin, how come you’re using two caddies today?”

“Cause my wife tells me that I don’t spend enough time with my kids.” 

“You and your husband don’t seem to have an awful lot in common,” said the new tenant’s neighbor.”

“Why on earth did you get married?”

“I suppose it was the old business of  ‘opposites attract’,” was the reply. 

“He wasn’t pregnant and I was.”

Yeah, I got that one!

Just a plain and simple Amen.

Lampner’s Law of Employment: 

When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. 

When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot. 

And that’s it my dear friends. Until next we meet, …

Okay, SO MUCH going on with this issue. The very first and foremost on my mind is a very special donation that arrived in the mail today from Joe from NJ. He donated to the “Get Impish Out of Hot Water With the City” fund. The GIOOHWWTC fund. Hmm, we need a simpler acronym.

BIB Bob is Blessed fund. So many good people helping me. It’s all in God’s hands. What more can I say? God has always blessed me and He always will. I have faith in that. So, thank you Joe, so very much. I know what this donation cost you.

The next thing that I want to pass on is that tomorrow, Tuesday is the twentieth anniversary of Dragon Laffs! At least in this iteration. We have been online for TWENTY YEARS! And some of you have been around since the beginning.

I want to say thank you. Thank you to all of you who have been with me through all that I have been through with this ezine. Thank you to all who have contributed, not monetarily, although for that, also, but for all the laughs, cartoons, memes, jokes, funnies and STUFF that you’ve sent in. Because there is no way I could do this without you. But even more importantly, thank you for the friendship and love that you have shown me over the years. You guys have been there for me through thick and thin. You’ve been there for me when others haven’t been. You’ve allowed me to put my feelings out there, to push my words out there, to get this damn monkey off my back for short periods of time. Those of you who write know what I mean. Thank you ever so much for ALL of you for ALL that you do.

So, Happy Anniversary to ALL OF US!

I’ve been in this line! A LOT!

Reminds me SO much of a song that I downloaded a couple of months ago that has really caught my attention. I’m gonna give you the YouTube version here. It’s not very long and I highly encourage you to listen to the lyrics…for me. No. Not for me. For you.

An awful lot of truth to that one.

Illinois, Chicago  Law

Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.

The part that bothers me about this? Someone felt it necessary to make a LAW?!

And speaking of craziness…I just read that an 11 year old girl and 12 year old boy, running a lemonade stand were robbed at gunpoint in Boston. Took their money box that had about $50 in it. What is wrong with this country?

AIN’T THAT THE TRUTH!!!!!!!! People, if you don’t learn anything else from me, PLEASE learn that one. Comfort. Love your neighbor as your self. What do you think that even means? Talk to them. Be there for them. Isn’t that what Dragon Laffs is all about??? How many of you have told me that? More than a couple.

The devout cowboy lost his favorite BIBLE while he was mending fences out on the range.  

Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the BIBLE in its mouth.  

The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes.  

He took the book from the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward, and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!” 

“Not really,” said the cow.  “Your name is written inside the cover.”

On a wall in the ladies room: 

‘My husband follows me everywhere’ 

Written just below it: 

‘I do not’

I AM DISGUSTED!!!

You think that’s great, wait until he turns 15…then 16…it all goes downhill from here, hun.

3 old guys are sitting on a porch in Miami. Suddenly the first sighs and says, “Gentlemen, isn’t life horrible. Here I am at an age that I can afford the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I have to eat ground or soft foods.” 

The second answers, “Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why here I am at an age where I can buy the finest wines, champagne but what? Ulcers, I have to drink milk.” 

The third sighs loudly and adds, “Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean. Last night at 2 am I nudged my wife and asked her if she’s interested. She screams at me, “What is wrong with you dear?  We just got finished doing it for the second time tonight!” 

After a long pause the first man says, “So what is your problem?” 

The third one grunts and says, “Can’t you see?  My memory is going. 

I just got an update on the tornadoes that came through here Thursday night. Here’s what the NWS says are the tornadoes that hit Indiana. I think they are missing at least two, but what do I know? You’ll notice the blue dot is the “approximate” location of the DLL – Dragon Laffs Lair.

Wisdom:

Don’t marry for money. It’s cheaper to borrow.

Yeah, that’s about 151 mph. Not bad.

I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I’m 83 years old and this morning, while I was in the McDonald’s drive-through, the young lady behind me honked her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to order.

So, when I got to the first window, I paid for her order along with mine. The cashier must have mentioned what I did because as we moved up, she leaned out her window, waved at me, and mouthed “Thank you,” clearly embarrassed that I responded to her rudeness with kindness.

When I reached the second window, I showed them both receipts and took her food too.

Now she has to go back to the end of the line and start all over again.

So, a little tip: Don’t honk at older folks; we’ve been around a while!

Don’t live in a town where there are no

doctors.

Jewish Proverb

And that’s it my friends! I hope the 20th Anniversary issue was worthwhile. It was fun for me, so I hope it was fun for you. May you find love and happiness in your life until we meet again. And …

Okay guys, here’s the low-down. I am SO FAR behind. Today is Thursday, it’s late, I’ve got a ballgame to go to tonight with a friend to watch her grandkids play. Yes, I said her. I don’t want ANYONE going there! She’s a friend, I like her, and that’s all there is to it. I don’t know why I’m even telling you guys about it … except you guys are family. So, stop the whispering in the back! I said, knock it off!

Anyway, I want to get at least halfway through this for you guys before I have to take off, so… let’s get this party started!!

That was sent in by our own dear Stephanie… but you know what, I like the shirt concept, but not crazy about monkeys … would’ve been better with a dragon. Most especially since I CAN FIX stupid, and I guarantee it’s gonna hurt!

Ahhh, the memories. Good times.

Every time Peter’s mother invited her lover to their home, she put Peter in the closet. 

One day her husband came home early, so her lover quickly hid in the closet with the boy.

“Hey, mister,” Peter said, “it’s kinda dark in here, isn’t it?” 

“Why, yes, as a matter of fact it is.”

“Hey, you wouldn’t want to buy my old baseball, would you? My dad just bought me a new one.”

“No, you don’t really need baseballs in my line of work.” 

“If you don’t buy my baseball,” Peter said, “I’ll tell my dad  where you are.”

“All right, all right,” the lover groaned, “I’ll buy your damn  baseball. How much is it?”

“Fifty dollars.”

The man didn’t want to pay fifty dollars for a baseball, but he decided he had no other choice. The boy figured he was on a roll, so he asked, “Hey, mister, you want to buy my glove?” 

The lover didn’t even bother arguing: “How much?”

“A hundred dollars!” The man had just finished paying up when the woman opened the door and said the coast was clear.

The next Sunday, the boy went to confession because he felt guilty for having conned his mother’s lover out of a hundred and fifty bucks. “Hey, mister,” he said, climbing into the confessional, “it’s kinda dark in here, isn’t it?”

The voice groaned, “Not you again!”

Data Centers are such a BIG DEAL around here right now. They are trying to build one in our county and the county board is being really shady about the whole thing.

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:

“What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?” the minister asked. 

“Try to fix it if it’s big; ignore it if it’s insignificant,” replied the lawyer. “What do you do?” 

The minister replied, “Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. 

The other day I meant to say ‘the devil is the father of liars,’ but instead I said ‘the devil is the father of lawyers,’ so I let it go.” 

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little  girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in  white?” 

“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest  day of her life.” 

The child thought about this for a moment, then said,  “So why is the groom wearing  black?” 

A fellow turned to a woman sitting beside him in a bar and said; “Drinking makes you look beautiful, darling.” 

She looked a little surprised and answered, “but I haven’t had a drink yet.” 

He smiled and said, “no, but I have!” 

Yes, I know, this one was a little bit shorter than most, but sadly, I ran out of time and had to call it quits. It was just one of those weeks I’m afraid. There’s always next time my friends. So, until then …