Dragon Laffs #1804

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Good Morning Campers,

It’s a beautiful day to share laughter with friends … so let’s do that … on a Monday morning!

Let's Laugh 5

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I was so drunk last night …

When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers, and underwear.  I crept upstairs very quietly …

It was only when I got to the top of the stairs, I realized I was on a fucking bus!!!

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That’s always worked for me.

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Best Relationship Advice:  Make sure you’re the crazy one.

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When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she’s either really interested in you … OR you’re level 99 friend zoned.

OR … she hasn’t spotted you in the tree outside her window yet.

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COP:  Are you drunk?

Me:  Could a drunk person do this? [farts 3 times and pisses in pants]

COP:  Actually – yes …

Me:  That was supposed to be a backflip.

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That’s about right … but I will admit that it’s usually B more often than A.

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Thanks to many Bozo News Hawks who pointed out this story in a recent Ann Landers’ column. From Ottawa County, Michigan comes the story of a bozo who set the new Bozo World’s Land Speed Record for quickest return to jail. Twenty one year old bozo Reginald Phillips was released from the Ottawa County Jail Saturday morning at 12:01 AM. At 12:09 AM our bozo was spotted climbing over a chain link fence, back onto the jail grounds, and attempting to pass a cigarette to an inmate through a steel grate covering a window. At 12:10 AM our bozo was back in custody, charged with illegal entry into a prison facility and disorderly conduct. That’s nine minutes flat, bettering the previous record of 45 minutes held by a bozo who got busted for drinking beer to celebrate his release as he was driving home from jail.

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Has COVID-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?  You may be entitled to condensation.

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Today I tested positive for SICKOFTHISSHIT-20.  There’s no cure and I may or may not be contagious.

And I’m pretty sure a fucking mask isn’t going to help.

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I yelled, “COW!” at a woman on a bike and she gave me the finger.  Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow.

I tried.

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Okay, so we haven’t done this for a long time.  My bad…so let’s do it now.

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Some of these may go back a bit … like I said at the end of the last issue, I’m a bit behind in my work.  If I was a porn star that wouldn’t be a bad, thing, but being a dragon answering emails and comments?  Not so much. 

This first one is from issue #1797:

Dave

The kid at looking at the 2 monitors while mom watches him with a stick, is watching his computer defragment the hard drive. It can take hours.

That’s pretty detail oriented viewing Dave.  Thanks.

Stephanie

Do you think we could get a member of Rolling Thunder to enter as a 3rd party candidate?

I think they would be an excellent choice!  Hell, at this point in time, I think anyone would be an excellent choice.  It amazes me that these are the best we have to choose from.  Where are our modern day Adams and Jeffersons?

Stephanie

Love the ant.
The Irish saying is perfect. I passed it on to a friend who recently lost her daughter to cystic fibrosis. It says a lot. Thanks for posting.
Love you much.
Still praying for you and the Mrs.

Thanks dear friend.  Thought the ant was cool … almost dragonesc

Larry S

II have to agree whole heartedly with your position on pro sports. I love the NFL, but I won’ t be watching again until these so called PROFFESIONALS learn to grow up!! There is a time and place for everything, but a sports field or arena or whatever is NOT the place!

Thanks Larry.  I don’t mind if they protest even if they take a minute on the field to bow their heads, kneel, do whatever.  It’s their show.  But not ever, NEVER during the playing of the National Anthem.  I’d rather see them stop  playing it before the game entirely than see it played and allow them to degrade it.  If you can’t be grown up enough to be respectful during the playing of it, then fuck you, you don’t get to have it played before your game.  And it is a privilege to have it played that you just LOST!  That is one way of handling it.  In fact Larry, that’s a movement that we can start right now.  If you can’t be respectful of our National Anthem while it’s being played, then your team loses the PRIVILEGE of having it played for the rest of that season.  How about them apples you over paid prim donnas! 

Okay, so I just got myself wound up again.  Sorry.

Leah D.

Post anything in Facebook, it can get shared and shared, and shared . . . Or Facebook can judge it unsuitable, delete it, and ban you. Ask one who knows . . .

I do have to ask someone who knows.  I have to call Izzy Dragon over and ask her, because I really don’t do Facebook.  Like I said, if it wasn’t for darts, I wouldn’t even have a Facebook account.  Can you imagine the following I’d have as Impish Dragon?  I’d break the internet.  I’m not getting anything done now!  It’s my duty as a respectful citizen of the earth to NOT have an account.  Thanks and love to you Leah!

Dave

The 4:20 watch tattoo is on the wrong arm, but he probably won’t notice!

Like I said, very detail oriented viewing.  Yeah, pretty much a given he won’t notice.  I always wanted to take a stoner while they were asleep and tattoo a Dorito Chip on their arm.  Something really life like.  Cause I know it would drive them crazy.

Thanks Dave and thanks for the oh-so subtle comments

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Oh sure, looks legit to me.

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More true to life?

Thanks to John S. for this interesting picture.  I’ve actually had one of these in my hands.

A bank teller shared this photo of a rare $1000 bill from 1934. The teller told the customer he could accept the bill at face value, but urged the customer to try and find a collector that would likely pay more than face value for it.

$500, $1,000, $5,000, $10,000 and $100,000 bills were in circulation. After the last printing of those denominations in 1945, the Treasury Department and the Fed discontinued them in 1969.
First printed in 1928, this $1,000 bill features two-time United States President Grover Cleveland. He was the nation’s 22nd and 24th president, earning him the distinction of being the only president to serve two non-consecutive terms.

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My cousin Edna’s new baby.  Isn’t he adorable?  (Actually, I think he’s as ugly as a mud fence, and in that regard he takes right after my cousin Edna, but you know, you have to be polite to the family)

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That is too funny, requires a lot of dedication, and probably gave that poor lady apoplexy.  But still … incredibly funny!!

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She said, “Go to the store and get a gallon of milk.” and then complains when I bring this back.

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I know, right.  And the court costs …

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Now THAT’S a great mom!

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees, and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys, and phone.”

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I do too!!!

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You really gotta admire good architectural design.

So, while I was out playing darts yesterday I got these two comments…

Stephanie

Prayers lifted for Tom, his family, and all those affected by the fires.
Imagine how the parents will explain how this happened when someone mentions the gender reveal fire.

No doubt that is going to be a bit embarrassing, but good news on the other side.  I heard from Tom about the same time your comment came in Stephanie. Here’s the email I got from him.

Hello Impish; My family and I are all okay. My wife and I did not have to leave our home. Both of our daughters live about ten miles closer to the fire area and they both had to take their families to a safer place. They went to Salem and stayed with friends for a few days and are back in their homes now. The girls live about a half mile apart in the same town and found smoke and ash had gotten into their homes, but no fire damage. As they were evacuating they said it was a frightening time because the heat from the fire could be felt all over town.

The smoke was worse that you could ever imagine. Days of darkness and falling ash everywhere. The ash reminded me of 1980 when Mt. St. Helen’s exploded. We finally got some rain and the air is much better now. So far over one million acres have burned in Oregon and 40,000 people have been evacuated. Ten are confirmed dead and many more are still missing. The fires are still burning, but the rain will help quite a bit and the wind has slowed down too. Of course now the great media shit heads say the rain will cause flash floods. I never heard of a mountain side being flooded. It will be unfortunate for the media when the fires are under control because then they will have to go back and start to report on the “peaceful” riots again.

These fires are NOT the result of climate change, global warming, or angry fire gods. They were deliberately started by idiots. I doubt that anyone will be prosecuted for this disaster. I remember the fire in 2017 that burned 50,000 acres. It was started by a fifteen year old using fireworks when they were banned. The judge fined him nine million dollars. Do you suppose his daddy wrote a check for him? What a joke!

These pictures are the same shot on different days. (Date and time are shown). The first was just after 10 in the morning when it should be bright and sunny. The second one was yesterday after some rain cleared the smoke at a little after 5 P.M. This is looking west, away from the fires.

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Well Tom, as you can see, we’ve all been praying fro you and are glad you are safe and sound.  And I’ll have words with my cousin Harvey about flying over the Oregon forests with a head cold.

I also heard from Leah yesterday.  She had this to say:

Leah D.

So glad to hear you are having a day off, good food, lots to drink and darts to top it off! I know there are things you can’t talk about, but still, have been curious WHY you have such a heavy work schedule lately? Is it because you are playing catch-up after time off to attend to family affairs? Or just filling in for people on vacation?

Hi Leah.  Yup, you’re absolutely right. 

I can’t talk about it.

Cause if I did, I’d have to … I’m just kidding.

Actually, it’s more of a case of when it rains, it pours.  A lot of inspections and classes and exercises and such that are spread out throughout the year got pushed back due to the “COVID Crisis” and are all coming due now and with 408the time off I had to take and all the shit in my personal life that has gone on … it’s just been the perfect storm.  It’s stacking up like Jenga blocks just waiting for someone to take the wrong one and have it all come crashing down.

There are other things going on in the world, that you can probably figure out if you watch the news, that keep anyone associated with the military on their toes right now, that I, of course, am not going to talk about here, that are also keeping me busy.

And it’s the end of the fiscal year, always a busy time in government work.  We have to make sure that we spend every bit of the rest of your money that we took from you for this fiscal year before we start planning on what we are going to do with the money we are going to take away from you next fiscal year.  Oh shit!  Did I actually say that out loud!  Did that go out in the issue?  Stop!  Stop printing!  Oh crap!  Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap!  I am so fired!

Hey … can .. um, you guys pretend like you didn’t hear that last bit?

LOL!  ANYWAY!  Back to more of THIS stuff …..

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Hey Larry (and everyone else) this next one goes really well to what we were talking about earlier…

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AMEN!

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stop (2)

Stop Him

Stop Time

STOP

Stormcock

Even a “new” weatherman has to be aware enough to know what this must’ve looked like…

Stormtroopers

Yes, these are the beers we’re looking for.

Strange Fetishes

And for every single strange fetish you can think of, there’s a website on the internet for it somewhere.

Strange Jobs

I’m gonna say, that depends on which class you are teaching.

street names

strife

strip darts

I am DEFINITELY bringing this idea up at the next league meeting!!!

Stuff

So?  Anybody get the reference?

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This is such an awesome political cartoon.  (Thanks to Leah for sending it in) She mentions that Social Media is becoming just another host for rumors and fake news and of course it is.  If not more so than Main Stream Media because Social Media is put out there by people who have no obligation to fact check (not that it seems that the MSM does either lately).  But what I like about this cartoon is that you can use this guy as an “anyman” and say that now-a-days a lot of people are using Social Media as their main news source.  I constantly say that to my Izzy Dragon.  Who isn’t so little anymore.  She just celebrated her 19th birthday and she’ll come up to me with some wild ass thing like “Dad, I think it’s terrible that Trump is going to close down all the Taco Bells because he thinks they are all Bolivian spies!”  And my response is always the same: “Izzy, you have GOT to stop getting all your news off of Twitter.”  And I think a lot of today’s young people are the same way.  They don’t watch the news, read a legitimate news source, or do any serious research of anything on their own.  It’s like Mrs. Dragon says, they are learning in blipverts.  You get 30 seconds on a topic.  You have 140 characters.  LOL!  Can you imagine me limited to 140 characters.  I couldn’t eloquently tell a rude client to go fuck themselves with less than 500.  But, that’s what makes a picture so great.  A picture is worth a thousand words.  And that’s what this one does.  Thanks Leah.

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OUCH!

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What if they’re not stars, but holes poked into the top of the container so we can breathe?

And I think I just found the premise for my next book …

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2020’s been a wild year man, I don’t know if I need a face mask, a Glock, or a generator.

Do like I do … all of the above.

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So… I’ve got enough of these to do this, so … let’s do this.  It’s Sunday and I’m in a pissy enough mood.

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I want this shirt!

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If all the accusations against President Trump were true, he’d damn near qualify to be a Democrat.

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They tell you straight to your face, “We will take your guns and raise your taxes!” and still the morons vote for them.

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And one more thing to think about … Muslims want Biden.  China want Biden.  Iran wants Biden.  Abortionists want Biden.  Felons want Biden.  Illegals want Biden.  Are you getting it yet?

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For Sale

Parachute – Only used once

Never opened

Small Stain

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Probably aren’t sitting in front of a computer screen reading Dragon Laffs either … is that what you’re implying Lamborghini?  Yeah, well screw you Lamborghini!  I didn’t want one of your lousy cars anyway!  I could … what’s that?  How much?  Are you friggin’ kidding me!?!  Who in their right mind would pay over $418,000 for a damn car?!?  WHAT!!!!!  That’s the stripped down model?!?!  Yup.  They were right.  People who buy Lamborghinis aren’t sitting around in front of computer screens reading Dragon Laffs, because if they were, they’d know how fucking stupid that was to spend that much money on a car. 

Who am I kidding.  That’s pure jealousy.  LOL!

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Paging Alanis Morissette…

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I’m afraid that has to be it for this fine Monday morning.  I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and has as good a week as can be expected.  Be well, be safe, be happy, laugh a little, love a lot.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Dragon Laffs #1803

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Good Morning Campers,

While many of you are reading this, I’ll be …

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We have our season banquet on Saturday.  We’ll be playing darts, eating, drinking and playing darts from noon till about midnight.  Alcohol and sharp pointy objects, what could possibly go wrong?

So, let’s get this issue going!!!!

Laughter!  We need Laughter!

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I see what the problem is here … I’m speaking in English and you’re listening in Dumbass.

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Why don’t we ever see these looters coming out of the stores with lawn mowers, chainsaws, weed eaters, shovels, or rakes?

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Retiree Mental Fitness Evaluation
This test is to ascertain your mental state now. If you get one right you are
doing ok, if you get none right you better go for counseling. (I’ll meet
you there.)
There are 4 test questions. Don’t miss one.
Giraffe Test
1.  How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.

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The correct answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close
the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an
overly complicated way.

Elephant Test

2.  How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

powderblubar

Did you say, “Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?”  Wrong Answer.

 

Correct Answer:  Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant, and close the door.  This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

Lion King Test

3.  The Lion King is hosting an Animal Conference.  All the animals attend  … except one.  Which animal does not attend?

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Correct Answer:  The Elephant.  The elephant is in the refrigerator.  You just put him in there.  This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

Crocodile Test

4.  There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat.  How do you mange it?

bar5_anm

 

Correct Answer:  You jump inot the river ans swim across.  Haven’t you been listening?  All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference.  This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the Retirees they tested go all questions wrong, but many preschoolers go several correct answers.  Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most Retirees do not have the brains of a four-year-old.

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A new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

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I want to know how the hell it got up there!

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When punishing your kids, don’t take away their electronics …

Just take away their chargers and watch the fear in their eyes as they use them less and less, while the batteries slowly die.

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I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred … the number one answer was:  How the fuck did you get in here?

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Learning in Hebrew School.

(These are written by children and have not been retouched or corrected, i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The seventh commandment is: “Thou shalt not admit adultery.”

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

Most religions teach us to have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

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A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for one tour.”

The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.   Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.”

The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Okay. You’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now.  Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.”

The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 am?”

“This is a government job”, the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.  No point in you coming in for that.”

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If zombies ever attack just go to Costco … they have concrete walls … years of foods and supplies … and best of all, the zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership card.

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This could be problematic

Funny thing about getting older, your eyesight might weaken, yet you can see through people’s bullshit much better.

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I’m proud to announce that I have completed the first item on my bucket list

 

I have the bucket.

 

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Because we really like these things…

spongebob squarepants

Spoon

Spot The Difference

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Statues

Step away from my fridge

Step Back Please

Stereotypes

Stereotyping

STFU

still

stoner math

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GETTING OLD SUCKS!

I just threw my back out because the toaster startled me.

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The police department in the small hill country town of Kerrville , Texas , reported finding a man’s body last Saturday, in the early evening, in the Pedernales River near the state highway-87 bridge. The dead man’s name would not be released until his family had been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting “someone” in Fredericksburg . When he was found, he was wearing black fishnet stockings, 10-inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids, 2 1/2-inch false eyelashes, and a Biden T-shirt. The police removed the Biden T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment. Police do care 

Yes, it is an old joke.

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A whole lot of truth in that.

Me:  Please bring me a screwdriver.

Wife:  Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew she was the one.

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My boss said I intimidate coworkers.

I stared at him until he apologized.

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Based on the yard signs I’m seeing, Biden will finish third behind Trump and Fire Wood For Sale.

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I am way behind in my emails.  I am just now getting to ones that are ten days old.  I’ll catch up eventually, but please forgive me for not getting back to you right away if you have written to me.  I just found out that Tom J. had to abandon his home in Oregon due to the fires and I haven’t heard from him again and am worried about him…that was over ten days ago and I never responded to him.  So Tom, if you are out there, let me know you are okay.

I’m sorry my brothers and sisters, doing the best I can here.  Life is catching up to me.  Right now my inbox tells me that I have 339 unread emails.  LOL.  That’s down significantly from what it was an hour or so ago.  Now, that does NOT mean I want you guys to stop writing to me.  Just that I want you to understand it is going to take me a little while to catch up.

Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers.

Impish Dragon.

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1802

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Good Morning Campers,

So … it’s been a while and it’s been a week.  Worked over the weekend.  Worked a lot.  Been a busy, busy week.  Stress is over the top.  I need some laughter and some more laughter.  I’ve enjoyed the comments I’ve been getting from you guys, even if I haven’t had the time or the gumption to reply.  Thank you all for your support and your love and stuff.  I’ll fill you in on what else is going on as we go along, but for now, let’s get to the laughter cause I REALLY need it!

Oh … by the way … the picture above is a microscopic view of an ant’s face.  I thought it was cool enough to make a header out of.

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roflmao

Boy, ain’t that the truth!

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Okay, so I’ve mentioned before that I don’t do Facebook, but I have a Facebook account because it’s the only way I can communicate with my dart league.  Well, I got pissed off on Sunday and needed a place to vent and wasn’t near my laptop or I would have vented to you guys so I posted something on my regular Facebook account … and … I guess I have more followers than I thought I had.  I don’t know why, I never post anything there, but … well, this is what I posted:

I just read that the Colts head coach knelt during the playing of the National Anthem while the players linked arms behind him in solidarity. I have expressed my opinion on this many times in many venues. You can express your opinion and I applaud your stance but NEVER during the playing of the National Anthem. Too many good men and women died for what that represents for you to do anything other than stand respectfully when that song plays with your mouth shut. For you to do anything else is WRONG. For you to choose that time to voice your opinion does NOT make it more meaningful or whatever it is you think it is you’re doing, it makes it EXTRAORDINARILY DISRESPECTFUL TO MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS WHO GAVE THEIR LIFE’S BLOOD SO YOU COULD HAVE THE FREEDOM TO PLAY A FUCKING GAME. So go throw your ball around, but I won’t be watching. You should hang your head in shame.

And that’s all I wrote.  I have expressed deeper opinions here and used worse language here, but I try hard to keep my Impish Dragon persona separate from my human persona because of my job, and such.  Well, when I was driving into work at 5:30 Monday morning, the cop at the front gate checked stopped me and said, “I just wanted to let you know that I think what you wrote on Facebook was spot on.  Thanks for posting that.”  I almost spilled my coffee! 

I had no idea people were watching my Facebook account, hell I never post anything!  That’s really friggin’ scary!  I’ve had a couple of nice comments from friends who are also members of the dart league who I know would have seen it, but I mean … geez!

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Are we banning rap music yet?

It’s a lot more racist than Pancake syrup or rice.

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Current federal law says you must know English to become a citizen.  So why are foreign language ballots even printed?

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Why is it acceptable for people to be friggin’ idiots …

But not acceptable for me to point it out?

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Statistics show that criminals commit less crime after they’ve been shot.

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Things you can burn for stress relief:

— Sage

— Frankincense

— Marijuana

— Racists

— Pedophiles

— Lavender

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Words to live by.

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Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy.

Not me.

I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

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Well….let’s go on to some of these…

idiot friends 15

Soul_Mates

Southern Girls

Space Pirates

Spectators

Speed Doesnt Kill

Spelling

Spetsnaz

spider

Spiderpig

Spine

spokes

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What doesn’t kill you gives you a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a really dark sense of humor.

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MARRIAGE:  When dating goes too far.

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Anyone who says marriage is an equal partnership is talking utter bollocks.

I gave up my mates, my motorbike, drinking, drugs, gambling …

All she gave up was sex.

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Say yes to mask and no to bras.  Free the titty but protect the city.

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Childhood injuries:

Fell off my bike
Fell out of a tree
Twisted my ankle

Adult injuries:

Slept wrong
Sat down too long
Sneezed too hard

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I made a huge to do list today.

I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

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And that’s it for today my friends.  Got to finish this up so I can send it out.  Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers.

Impish Dragon.

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1801

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Good Morning Campers,

Technically yesterday was the anniversary of 911, but this is as close as I’m going to get.  I’m not going to get maudlin about it, and I’m not going to go into huge detail about it like Lethal used to do.  It was a special deal to him and was a special deal to me mostly because of him.  But, it is a big deal.  It’s just that, sadly, I can’t handle a big deal right now.

I’m already behind on putting this issue together and I’ve got a crazy weekend working this weekend, so I’m not sure there’s going to be a Monday issue (fair warning). 

So without further ado and with needing to get to the laughter, let’s …

sign laff

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To all you people saying cops need more and longer training … you had 18+ years to teach your child not be a dickhead, thug-ass, criminal, but here we are.

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REMEMBER THAT TIME

REPUBLICANS RIOTED,
BEAT INNOCENT DEMOCRATIC VOTERS

DESTROYED PROPERTY,
AND TORCHED AMERICAN FLAGS?

ME NEITHER.

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YOU MATTER.

Until you multiply yourself times the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.

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Beautiful Engraving

Engravings in metals that are precious to us can be so meaningful and expressive!

I believe this engraving is especially communicative and I thought you would appreciate it (below).

402

 

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What do call a person who is happy on Monday?

Retired

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So, a burglar broke into the house … I put the red dot on his chest
And the cat did the rest.

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If a supervisor at work gets COVID-19, do the people who kiss that ass need to be tested?  Asking for a friend.

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A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no – he only lives a mile away.
About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.
Just as he starts, the police  radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away.
The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home.
When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr.Miller is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.
The police have his driver’s license. They ask to see his car and she asks why.
They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find the police car, lights still flashing.
True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.

But ya kinda saw that one coming, didn’t ya?

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A women’s lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, “Where would man be today if it were not for woman?”
She paused a moment and looked around the room. “I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?”
From the back of the room came a voice, “He’d be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries.”
 

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If you get a loan at a bank you pay it back for 30 years.

If you rob a bank, you’re out in 10 years.

Follow me for more financial advice.

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Something to Ponder

The United States has become a place where entertainers and professional athletes are mistaken for people of importance ….
**********************************
I’ve needed a doctor…
I’ve needed a Teacher…
I need farmers every day…
I’ve needed an auto mechanic, a plumber, a house painter, and a hell of a lot of other everyday people.

But I have NEVER, not even ONCE, NEEDED a pro athlete, a media personality, or a Hollywood entertainer for ANYTHING!

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My deepest apologies.  I’ve run out of time and I have to end this here.  At least it’s something.  I hope to see you again soon.  Love and happiness.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

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Dragon Laffs #1800

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Good Morning Campers,

Wow!  1800 issues!  Isn’t that an accomplishment!  Seems like it should be more, though.  LOL.  Because I can’t really remember a time that I haven’t been doing this in one form or another. 

So … it’s Thursday!  What sort of special days do we have this week?  Well, according to Timeanddate.com Monday, along with being Labor Day was Salami Day!  A day to celebrate that great Italian meat sausage … yeah, I got nothing.  Okay, moving on.  Tuesday was Pardon Day.  A day to forgive and to seek out forgiveness.  What the hell kind of screwed up holidays are these? 

Flipping pages … Wednesday was Teddy Bear Day?  A day to bring out all your teddy bears and thank them for their company?  WTF?  Where’s the pizza, beer swilling, and girl chasing days?  What the hell kind of screwed up holiday calendar is this piece of crap?  Thursday … Swap ideas Day?  Oh for crying out loud!

Look, you guys start going through some fun stuff, I’ve got to find a better calendar with more grown-up holidays.  I want something that involves alcoholic beverages and a wench or two to tell stories to.

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Him: Tell me your wildest fantasies.

Me: 14 hours of sleep and then a buffet breakfast

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Thanks to brother Sasquatch for this one…it is way cool and you should take a minute to check it out.  The Vietnam Veterans Memorial Wall

This is really sobering. First click on a state. When it opens, scroll down to the city where you went to high school and look at the names. Click on the name, and it will give details of the person’s death, a picture or at least their bio and medals.

This really is an amazing website. I hope that everyone who receives this appreciates what those who served in Vietnam sacrificed for our country.

Pass the link on to others, as many knew wonderful people whose names are listed.

Vietnam Veterans Memorial Wall – The Virtual Wall (TM)

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That is actually horrifying … but still funny.

You guys remember we talked about the world’s shortest river?  Well our own Tom J. has experience with it and writes to tell us about it!

Hi Impish, I thought I should do this before it was forgotten. (I have a short attention span these days). It was several issues ago that your “Did You Know” part of Dragon Laffs mentioned the D River in Oregon. The world’s shortest river 402at only 440 feet. The D River runs between Devils Lake and the Pacific Ocean and the length will vary with the tide. It can be as short as 58 feet!

As soon as I read the “Did You Know” thing, my memory was triggered and I thought of an incident way back in the 1970’s.

I was fishing in Devils Lake with a friend. We had rented a small boat with just oars and no motor. We entered or “put in” just where the D River and Devils Lake merged and we paddled our way to where we thought the fish would be. Soon we came upon two beautiful swans who lived at the lake. As they began to swim towards us we realized how big these birds were. They were HUGE! We had several sandwiches we brought for lunch and thought it would be nice to share with the big friendly, curious birds.401

It only took a very short time to learn these guys were NOT friendly. When our food was gone they only wanted to kill us! They began to try beating us to death with their giant wings and then one bit my friend on the leg and knocked him out of the boat. I was able to hold the killers back with my oar while Ron climbed back in the boat and then we got the hell away from the birds from hell.

I suppose we got too close to their nest but if that was the case it seems like there should have been a sign or some kind of warning. In the end we had to buy our lunch and we didn’t catch any fish. I wonder if this is a “Swan Song?”

Thanks Tom.  Thank you for sharing such a great story, brother.

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Your Halloween costume came to my house by mistake today.  Sorry I opened it.  It was a rooster mask and a bag of lollipops.  Going as a cock sucker again I see…

403

Really, Really, Really should have thought that one through first.

404

My life would be so much easier if I wasn’t intelligent enough to realize how fucking stupid some people are.

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We haven’t done this in a while…

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Put $1,000 in cash in an envelope and mail it to yourself.  If you don’t have the guts to do it, you better vote in person come November.

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THIS JUST IN:  Snow White is down to just six dwarfs … Sneezy is now placed under quarantine!

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I wonder what my kids are going to tell their kids … “It was so rough back in my day, I didn’t get a phone ‘til 4th grade and sometimes the Wi-Fi didn’t work upstairs.”

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That is absolutely awesome!!!

The TV career of Ellen DeGeneres could be ending over reports of her bullying her staff in a toxic work environment.  If true, her next logical career move would be Congress.

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And sure, why not do one of these …

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That doesn’t happen every day

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And this scares the absolute hell out of me.  That the American people can allow such a man to be put up for the highest office we have.

How would you like to tell people you live in one of these places?
Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)
Bastard (Norway)
Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)
Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)
Chinaman’s Knob (Australia)
Climax (Colorado, USA)
Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)
Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)
Dongo (Congo -Democratic Republic)
Donk (Belgium)
Fuku (Shensi, China)
Fukue (Honshu, Japan)
Fukum (Yemen)
Hold With Hope (Greenland)
Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
Lord Berkeley’s Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)
Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)
Muff (Northern Ireland)
Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)
Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)
Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)
Seymen (Turkey)
Shafter (California, USA)
Shag Island (Indian Ocean)
Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)
Stains (Near Paris, France)
Tittybong (Australia)
Turdo (Romania)
Twatt (Orkney, UK)
Twatt (Shetland, UK)
Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)
Wankener (India)
Wankie (Zimbabwe)
Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)
Wanks River (Nicaragua)
Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)

Thanks to Stephanie for that great list.

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Okay, since we’re doing this old school, how about one of these …

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A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?”
Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.”
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, “If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?”

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Top 10 Valentine Poems

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk


9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine’s card at the sto.
In hopes that later, you’d be my ho.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn’t $250 a night.

6. You’re a woman of style, you’re a woman of class
Especially when I’m spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I’m fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so has your ass.

3. You’re a honey. . . and you’re a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo’s “booty”.

2. I don’t wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let’s do it, I’m horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

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All the time, my friend, all the time.

Do you know what 50 Cent did when he got hungry?

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Kids now-a-days:  Shut up mom!

Mom:  [Shuts up]

Me back in the day:  Shut up mom!

Me:  Wh…where am I?

Doctor:  You’re in the E.R.  It’s taken us about  hours to remove this shoe from your ass.

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What if plants are actually farming us, giving us oxygen until we die and decompose back into the earth to consume us?

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And of course we need some of these …

Motivational6

Prostitution15

Solace

solar powered puppy

solutions

Somali Pirates

some days

some girls

Some Habits

Some things

someone

sometimes a

Sometimes

Soon, my pretties

soon

Sorry

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Sorry3

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Wife:  I’m pissed!

Husband:  Again or still?

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I’d rather be locked in the trunk of an ‘86 Buick trying to shave a bobcat’s butthole with a wooden spoon than to vote for Joe Biden.

That’s a really specific comparison.

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Two girlfriends are having a conversation about their boyfriends when the first one says:
“My boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once.”
The other replies, “Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?”
I said, “If you can’t satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off two?

And therein lies the conundrum that most married men have solved that most single guys have yet to figure out.  More women seem like more fun … until you have to deal with them for any significant length of time.

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And that it’s for today my friends.  I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

Love and friendship to you all.

Cheers.

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment