So, it’s still Saturday, I’m starting Thursday’s issue, since I have NO idea what next week is going to give me.  According to what I’ve read, the government is now officially shut down. The Senate has passed a bill that will fund the government except for Homeland Security, which will operate on a stopgap for two weeks, and the bill goes to the House which will not meet again until Monday. So, Monday I will go into work, sign the furlough paperwork and go home. 

And wait.

How long I wait will depend on the House. Could be hours, could be days. I don’t think it will be that long, but I was extraordinarily wrong on the last one.

So, we’ll see, I guess. By the time you read this we’ll all know.

In the mean time,  

Because what else are we going to do?

What a difference 25 years makes.

Husband: I think I’m having a heart attack…

Way, way cool!

Ummm… (hating to admit this) … 67.

Hey!!!!

Oh, don’t I know it!! Philippians 1:6, Paul writes: And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. (ESV) And until that day and time, He will continue to boost you up do do His work. I often say that God has helped me endure, and even taken away, my pain so long as He has work for me to do and so long as I continue to do it.

Whenever I see chocolate, I hear TWO voices in my head. One of them says, “Eat the chocolate.” And the other one says, “You heard…Eat the chocolate.”

Wife: I’m going out for 2 hours. Do you want anything?

Husband: No, that’s enough.

Maybe the reason aliens haven’t visited our solar system yet is because we only have one star. Maybe they are looking for systems with a 4 or 5 star rating.

This is a great reference chart.

If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?

Plastic Explosives.

Here’s one that not everyone will get…

Last night, I had a horrifying dream that disco was actually making a comeback.

At first, I was afraid. I was petrified.

See the previous meme!!!!!

How do you know if someone is hitchhiking or just complimenting your driving?

FUN FACT: A leopard can drag something twice its weight up a tree.

A cougar can drag someone half her age into bed.

Liven up any conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

Day 283 without sex:

A mosquito sucked on my neck and I moaned a little bit.

And that’s it for this one.  Gotta go feed the dogs … and this dragon. Bye for now my friends.

I have found myself a lot lately thinking about writing.

I haven’t done any serious writing in quite some time.

I miss it.

I think I miss it most because there is so much tossing around inside this head of mine that is aching to get out. Words that need said and thoughts that need to be expressed.

Writing is like a muscle that, if not exercised, gets flabby and doesn’t perform the way that you would expect it to and I’m getting afraid that my writing muscle is getting out of shape. I’m also worried that, as I get older, it’s not as limber as it used to be. 

I think I’ve made mention that Papa Dragon Most Senior, as our dear departed Lethal Leprechaun named him, my dad, has Alzheimer’s so very terribly bad that it gives me the heebie jeebies just thinking about it. I’ve always heard that the way to keep that monster at bay was to keep your mind sharp, i.e. read, do puzzles, read, write, read, keep your mind occupied with hard things, read, and above all else, read. Well, above and beyond my Bible studies every day, I still average about 3 … okay, maybe 2.5 books a week.  I’ve slowed down a little since I’m back in class.

Anyway, the header got me thinking about it. Maybe tomorrow on my lunch hour I’ll sit down at my computer, close my eyes, and see what comes out.

Maybe just laughter in the back of my head… so …

YES! Every single morning for the past couple of weeks! The other morning the little number on my dashboard said -4! And even worse, the windchill was -20!!!!!

I felt just like that guy…probably colder.

Must be getting ready to snow. I’ll bet there’s no eggs or milk either. For some reason, every time it looks like snow, people want to make french toast.

So, I forgot to set my alarm the other morning and overslept by an hour, then I got to my office and my thermostat said this and I just KNEW it was going to be a bad day!

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. 

Oscar Wilde (1854 – 1900)

I laughed SO hard.

Then I cried a little because of how true it is.

A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead dinosaur with a pigmy standing beside it. 

Amazed, he asked: “Did you kill that?”.

The pigmy said “Yes.”

The hunter asked “How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?” 

Said the pigmy: “I killed it with my club.”

The astonished hunter asked: “How big is your club?”

The pigmy replied: “There’s about 260 of us.”

That is such an AWESOME answer! It makes me want to get pulled over so that I  can use it.

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of  me life, between the legs of me wife!” 

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.” 

She said, “Aye, what was your toast?” John said,

“Here’s to  spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.” 

“Oh that  is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s toasting buddies on the street corner. 

The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary.” 

She said, “Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he’s only been there twice! 

Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.” 

A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something. 

Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him. 

Yet the feeling persisted. 

When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried: “Daddy, where’s Mommy?” 

I was blown away one afternoon when I stopped at a diner. Sitting at the counter I observed the cook forming  portions of 

ground beef into hamburger patties. He wore a sleeveless undershirt, grabbed a handful of beef, placed it into his arm pit and squeezed. He noticed that I almost fell off the stool. 

Without missing a beat he looked at me and said:

“Calm down lady, you should be here in the

morning when I make 

the doughnuts!”

So very true.

I understand this one COMPLETELY!

I agree, do it again!

Doctors at a hospital in London, England have gone on strike.

Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors’ demands are as soon as they can get a nurse over there to read the picket signs. 

I’m really tempted throw the flag on this one!

A gynecologist decides that he’d had it with gynecology. He wanted to go and fulfill his lifelong dream and become a car mechanic. So he studied hard, and when he felt he was ready, he registered to go take the state licensing test. 

The results of the test arrived a few weeks later, and with trembling hands he opened the envelope to discover that he passed with flying colors! He got a score of 200 points out of the 100 points possible. “200 points out of 100 points possible?” he asks himself. “How can that be?” 

So he calls the licensing board and they tell him: “You see sir, you received 50 points for taking the engine apart perfectly, 50 points for putting the engine back perfectly, and 100 EXTRA points for doing it all through the exhaust.”

Might get worse? Might? There are two times when you NEVER argue with a woman. When you are right and when you are wrong. And in those situations when you find you are right? Apologize immediately.

That’s actually a pretty good strategy.

And yet, the sentence says nothing.

When you give everything over to God, the comfort you feel is indescribable.

This is the absolute truth. I’m sorry. The protesters in MN are wrong. The protesters of ICE everywhere are wrong. You are standing in the way of lawful law enforcement officers doing their jobs.  You can tell me all about the “good ones” who are not causing trouble, who are hard working, just looking for a better life. That’s great, then why didn’t they come here the right way? The legal way? Why didn’t they take advantage of the offer to self deport and get in line when it was offered to them. Why did they choose to break the law. See, that’s the key. They are still breaking the law. But, more importantly, why are this leftist bleeding hearts protecting the rapists, the murderers, the drug dealers? Why are their lives more important than yours and mine? Why are they insisting on spending your money and my money to support these people? I don’t have a lot of money, do you?

How many of these protested for these people pictured above when they were brutalized by these same people they are now trying to protect?  How many?  

So, admit it out loud. Rapist, murders, child traffickers, and drug dealers are more important to you than any of the people pictured above. More important to you than your own brothers and sisters, your own sons and daughters. Go ahead and say it. I dare you.

Oh, one more thing…if the protesters weren’t there, then the agents would have been able to do their jobs and NONE of this other crap would have taken place, so you tell me who’s to blame.

Many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.


This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.


This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father’s wife.


To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.


My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.


For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow’s grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.


Father’s wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter’s son.


My wife is now my mother’s mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She’s my grandma too.


If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.


For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!!

A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana.

The fire department was called to put the fire out, but it proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle so someone suggested that a nearby volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt that they would be of any help, the call was made.

The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated, old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and, to everyone’s surprise, stopped right in the middle of the flames.

The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.

The farmer was so impressed with the their work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented them with a check for $1,000.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

“That should be obvious,” he responded. “The first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck.”

And that’s it my friends. 

Looks like we are in for another furlough…short lived as it may be … at least that is what they are saying today, which is Saturday. I guess we’ll find out on Monday when we go in to sign the paperwork. Pray for us government employees. I know some of us are still recovering from the LAST one.

But until next time…

We are in the middle of SNOW! Lots of SNOW! Today is Sunday and they cancelled church and I’m predicting that they are going to cancel work tomorrow…but I’ve been wrong before. But seeing as how the plows haven’t even really been out … one or two passes and that’s it … I think my prediction is pretty good.

Anyway, while I’m sitting here in the warmth, having already gone out and used my new electric shovel once, let’s get some laughs in, shall we?

Don’t use a big word when a singularly unloquacious and diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the contemporary necessity.

And the amputee probably laughed his head off!

A Word that contains a synonym inside it is called a Kangaroo Word
________________________
MASCULINE
CHICKEN
HONORABLE
BLOSSOM

MY BUCKET LIST:

1. Buy Bucket.

2. Buy wine.

3. Fill bucket with wine.

4. Drink bucket.

Someone offered me grapes, but I declined. I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.

I did an impersonation of my husband and we laughed and laughed and then he did an impersonation of me and we laughed and laughed and he slept on the couch.

When I die and y’all go through my search history, you’ll be disappointed to find mostly just definitions for very common words that I wasn’t sure I was using correctly.

Man, you know, when you think about it, it really is the worst possible place for her to sell seashells.

Wife: You need to do more chores around the house. 

Husband: Can we change the subject? 

Wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

The classic!!!

A dog and a cat were having an argument on who is the favorite of humans.

The dog says, “Humans like us more. They even named a tooth (canine) after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more.” 

The cat smiles and says, “You’re not really going to win this one, you know.”

That’s it my friends. I’ve got to run, so no big fancy ending. Love to you all.

I’m watching the news and they are doing an anti-ICE protest in Minneapolis and the temperature is like -7°F there and the pictures that they are showing is a LOT of people standing around, very few of them yelling, most of them so wrapped up you can’t tell whether they are yelling anything or not, all of them stamping their feet trying to stay warm and I’m sorry, all I can do is laugh…. A LOT! 

The left is blowing up over ICE “arresting” a 5 year old boy. It’s pure crap. The boys father ran and left him, so what’s ICE supposed to do? Leave the boy alone in the cold? No, of course not. They even tried taking the boy back to where he said him and his dad were staying. They knocked on the door and the people inside refused to take him in. 

I like what the commentator just said. ICE is taking care of a lot more kids in Minnesota than the Somalia child care centers are.

Anyway, while I have my minions get ready for the snow-pocolypse that’s supposed to be headed to wipe out the United States, let’s give you guys some fun stuff, shall we?

Oh, before I go, let me show you this. Buddy Wheats gave me this idea, incase the lights go out. Better than candles. (And please don’t judge me for the messiness of my kitchen)

 

Left side is out of the box, right side is proof of concept, full of oil and flame lit. 

And with that…

Let’s start with some cold weather stuff…

Outside of my church.

 

 

“Doctor, Doctor, You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!” 

“Do you drink a lot?”

“Not really – I spill most of it!”

Funny story, I was working out of town and was driving home in the snow quite similar if not worse than the road pictured above. Highway Dept had those great posts with reflectors on each side of the road and I figured so long as I stayed between the reflectors I would be fine and besides, someone had blazed a trail before me and I was following in their tracks.  Then, as I was driving along I realized that both sets of reflectors were off to my left and I was driving through the field … although I was still following the tracks of the previous driver who had also driven into the field. I managed to drive back onto the roadway and eventually found my way home only taking 4 hours to my usual 1 hour trip. I can laugh about it now, but at the time, well I wasn’t laughing at all. There were other interesting portions of that drive that were even more horrifying, like the 50 yards of black ice that I only knew about because of the 20 or so cars that were strewn about before me.

Great fun.

 

 

A young girl (18ish) walks into a prestige car sales room. Looks around at all the Porsches, Lamborghini’s, Jags etc., and says to the salesman “can I have the red one?” – a top of the range Porsche. 

” I’ll pay cash!” and starts taking handfuls of tenners out of a carrier bag until she gets to the right price.

The deal is finalized very quickly and the girl drives it away.

She is back 2 days later – “I want my money back…it smell awfully bad when I use the brakes” she states emphatically.

Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books) the manager decides to ride in the car with her ‘in case she is not driving it properly’

He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into second gear at 55 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80 mph does a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to accelerate.

120 mph into 4th gear; 5th at 145 mph. 

The engine is screaming, trying to leap out of the bonnet when it reaches 170 mph. 

The scenery is a green blur the G-force has him pinned in the seat. 

In the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a level crossing are beginning to come down and she will have to slow down (he thinks!) instead the pitch of the engine increases.

100 yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car stops inches from the barrier.

“Can you smell it?” she says.

“SMELL IT? I’M SITTING IN IT!”

You’re traveling west on the Oregon Trail. It’s 1847. Your wagon is half-broken, your oxen are malnourished, and you’ve already buried three friends thanks to dysentery and one bad river crossing. Spirits are low.

One afternoon, you stop at a dusty fort to trade a wheel and half a sack of flour. There, leaning against a post and chewing on a piece of straw like he owns the frontier itself, you meet another pioneer.

He introduces himself calmly.

“Name’s Terry.”

You pause. You look at him – the mud-caked boots, the rifle slung over his shoulder, the thousand-yard stare of a man who’s definitely seen things.

And you laugh.

“Terry?” you say. “That’s a girl name!”

The fort goes silent. Even the wind seems to stop. Terry slowly removes the straw from his mouth. He doesn’t argue. He doesn’t explain. He doesn’t clarify that Terry is short for Terrence, or that names work differently in the 1800s.

He just raises his rifle.

Bang.

Your screen fades to black.

You have died of dissin’ Terry.

I print this out into bookmarks and pass it out to the guys in the jail.

 

 

Honesty is a very expensive gift.
Don’t expect it from cheap people.

I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.

Worrying is like walking around with an umbrella, waiting for it to rain.

Boss: Can you work this weekend? 

Me: Yeah, no worries, but I’ll probably be late as public transportation on a weekend is a bit slow. 

Boss: What time will you get here? 

Me: Monday.

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. Plus it’s fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

What’s worse than your girlfriend sending you a text to “Break up”?

Another text saying, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you!”

 

 

“Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.”

~ Mark Twain

 

And that’s it my friends. I do so hope that you enjoyed this as much as I did. And until we meet again …

So, some snoopy reporter snapped the above picture while I was on a clandestine mission. He was all happy and trying to get a story out of me, asking all kinds of silly reporter type questions, like didn’t I think it was wrong for us to subjugate the poor people of Greenland and make them slaves to the American people and … so I ate him.

But I kept his camera.

But my buddy, DT and I actually got some stuff accomplished and I’m sure you’ll hear about it soon enough.

So, in the mean time … 

Please endite them.

Okay, this next one is absolutely terrible … so I just have to include it! Thanks, Chris! LOL!

As of today, three arrests have been made with charges that can lead up to ten years in prison.  Let’s see if they follow through.

“Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.” 
– Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

“Doc – I think I’m losing it ” he says. “I’m forever dreaming I wrote The Lord of the Rings”. 

“Hmmm. One moment”, replies the doctor, consulting his medical records. 

” Ah yes, now I see, …. you’ve been Tolkien in your sleep.”

So very true.

This one always gets to me.

Because it’s so very, very true.

So…how many of you have been buried under the snow? I’m writing this on Friday in Indiana, no snow right now, but it’s lunch time and the temperature is 4°F and it feels like -14°F. There is a warning out for exploding trees. Yes, you read that right. Depending on which weather service you look at/listen to we are going to get somewhere between 1 inch and 3 feet of snow this weekend. They are all over the place with their predictions. 

“Doctor, am I going to die?”

“Don’t worry; that’s the last thing you’re going to do.” 

And that’s the best spouse will do!

LOVE that one!

New Bulletin Bloopers


Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.

If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket. 

Nov.11: An evening of bowling at Lincoln Country Club.

Karen’s beautiful solo: “It is Well With My Solo.”

Congratulations to Tim and Ronda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17. 

If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly. 

We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector. 

Hymn: “I Love Thee My Ford.”

Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer. 

Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight. 

Helpers are needed!
Please sign up on the information sheep.

The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary’s Cathedral. 

The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church boared. 


As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing. 

Fifth Sinday in Lent.

Lent is a period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.

Thank you, dead friends.

Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.

For the word of God is quick and powerful, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit. 

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.

Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas.

The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working.

Volunteers are needed to spit up food.

Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess

We pray that our people will jumble themselves.

Morris attends a lecture on the subject of: “Hunger or Sex, which instinct is the stronger?”

The lecturer describes to the audience of a series of tests he had conducted to find a scientific answer. 
 
“For my tests,” he says, “I used one healthy male and one healthy female chimpanzee. 

Before each test, I kept them apart so they could not see or hear each other. 

I also starved the male of both food and sex for a week. 
 
For my 1st test, I put a bowl of food in the middle of my lab and then placed the male in one corner and the female in the opposite corner. 

The male looked at the female, then looked at the food, then rushed to the bowl of food and devoured it. 

So, ladies and gentlemen, it looked like hunger prevailed over the sexual instincts of the male. 
 
But as a true scientist, I did a 2nd test to see whether the earth’s magnetic field had influenced the outcome. 

Again I kept the apes separate, starved the male and put the bowl of food in the middle of the lab. 

Then I put the male in the Southwest corner and the female facing him in the Northeast corner. 

The male immediately looked at the female, then at the food, then rushed to the bowl of food and devoured it.

So once again the male preferred food to sex. 
 
But I wanted to be absolutely sure of the results so I carried out a 3rd test, this time placing the male much closer to the female than to the food. 

The result was the same. The male looked at the female, then at the food, then rushed to the bowl of food and devoured it. 
 
So, ladies and gentlemen, I can say with some confidence that hunger is a much stronger drive than sexual instincts in the male animal.  

Thank you.”
 
After the applause has died down, Morris stands up and  says aloud, “I have a question for you, mister lecturer. Have you tried doing the experiments with a different female ape?”

Why the look of surprise?

YES!!! That’s FAITH!!!

For a holiday, an Irishman decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn.

He hired a guide, and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide. Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.

“Hooray!” shouted the guide. “Here comes man’s best friend!” 

“Yeah,” said the Irishman. “An’ look at the size of the dog that’s bringin’ it!”

“I see you bought a new car. What’s the make?” 

“A Perndle.”

“I’ve never heard of a Perndle before.”

Me neither, but that’s what it says, right over the steering wheel: 

P-R-N-D-L.”

And that’s it for another exciting episode of Dragon Laffs my dear friends. Stay warm, stay safe and …