I like that header. (Thanks Aussie Pete!) That is literally me, every single night, reading in bed, not YouTubing, not death scrolling, not Facebooking, READING…on my Kindle app on my phone. I have thousands of books electronically because they are cheaper and easier to carry than physical books.

Why? Do I like electronic books better than physical ones? Not particularly. But I am frugal. Now, an expensive E-book is about $7 and I can buy it instantly wherever I am. A cheap paperback is about $12 and I have to go out to the bookstore to get one.  

I average (AVERAGE) three books a week, that’s a savings (not counting travel time and gas money) of about $15 a week, $65 a month, or $780 a year. So … yeah. Plus, it duplicates over onto my tablet, which reads more like a book when I’m in a place where I can use my tablet easier.

Yes, I read … a LOT. That’s just my leisure reading. That doesn’t count my Bible reading, my scripture study reading (different than my Bible reading), my Jail scripture study reading, my work book reading to keep up on the changing world of CBRN stuff. It helps that I also read quickly. AND that I LOVE to read. The key to defeating the brain degenerative beast is exercising said brain diligently and often. I also do puzzles daily.

So yeah … I like the above header.

I also like to laugh, so let’s get to that part too, shall we?

EXACTLY!

Aaaannnddd some won’t get that one.

And look exactly the same.

Actually, not a bad idea.

A Senior’s Version of Facebook

For those who don’t quite understand Facebook …I’ve decided to make friends in real life using the same rules.

• Every day I walk down the street telling people …
  • What I ate, 
  • How I feel, 
  • What I didyesterday, 
  • And what I’m doing later – and with who.

• I show them pictures of …
  • My family, 
  • My dog, 
  • Me in the garden, 
  • Fixing things in the garage, 
  • Driving around town … 
  • Basically everything I do.

• Then I …
  • Listen to their conversations, 
  • Give them a “thumbs up,” 
  • And tell them I “like” them.

• And you know what? It works just like Facebook …
  • I already have four people following me: 
    • Two police officers, 
    • A private investigator, 
    • And a psychiatrist.

No kidding.  I don’t get those places where you go up to the counter, order your food, they hand you your food and they expect a tip.  FOR WHAT?

Again… there are those …

Overheard at a grocery story by someone waiting in line behind a woman speaking on her cellphone in another language. Ahead of her was a white man.

After the woman hangs up, he speaks up.

Man: I didn’t want to say anything while you were on the phone, but you’re in America now. You need to speak English.

Woman: Excuse me?

Man: [very slowly] If you want to speak Mexican, go back to Mexico. In America, we speak English.

Woman: Sir, I was speaking Navajo. If you want to speak English, go back to England.

As a CBRN Specialist, I can tell you in my professional opinion this is all excellent advise. (CBRN = Chemical, Biological, Radiological, Nuclear) PS: don’t eat the white powder

I’m thankful for my struggle because without it I wouldn’t have stumbled across my strength.

Major props to someone!

I just ordered a life alert bracelet so if I get a life, I’ll be notified immediately.

Hmm, we just saw this one with different captions.

Yeah, and we used to send the new guys out to fetch 6 feet of flight line, 2 gallons of prop wash, left handed screwdrivers, glass hammers, etc., etc., etc.

I misspelled “I’m unstoppable” and my phone autocorrected to “I’m unstable” and honestly, that’s fair.

A million kids want to clean up the earth. A million parents want them to start with their rooms.

Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life until you die.

Mom got mad ’cause we kept swiping her clothespins! 

Yup, it’s gonna happen that way, I’m pretty much convinced.

Joe from NJ writes and sends us this one:

This takes just a moment of thought to make perfect sense.

He: Do they celebrate Arbor Day in Boston?

She: Yes, I suppose they do. Why wouldn’t they?

He: How do they know they’re not honoring that old Swedish “Mama Mia” group?

All mushrooms are edible, some only once!!!

Me, too.

Or in my case, several of these drawers.

Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone? Do strangers call to pay my bills? And if they do, why don’t you let them?

That’s if for today my friends. I hope you had as much fun as I did. Until next time.

Okay, I think spring is finally here. It’s been almost a whole week now with out temperatures below freezing and frost advisories.  But … BUT!!! I am sick and tired of the RAIN! It seems like I should be thinking of building an Ark…or at least a decent sailboat. 

Don’t get me wrong, I swim, VERY well…but 40 days and 40 nights, not to mention all the fountains of the great deep busting forth and the windows of the heavens opening up, so yeah…at least a sailboat I think.

I’d say it has to stop raining eventually, but…

Anyway, I’m teasing …

Mostly…

But, since I’m starting this one immediately after the last one, waddaya say we jump right in, shall we?

An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old General sends for his trusty Indian Scout.

“Yumti-Bi,” he said, “you must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here.” 

Yumti-Bi layed down and put his ear to the ground…

“Large Heap – war party,” he says, “maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black horses, two on white stallions. All have warpaint…many many guns. Medicine man also with them.”

“Good grief!” exclaims the General, “you can tell all of that just by listening to the ground???”

“No, General,” replied the Indian, “I can see under the gate…” 

A pastor was working late on a Saturday night at the Almighty  God Tabernacle.  

Around 10:00PM he decided to call his wife before he left for home.  

Although the pastor let the phone ring  several times, his wife didn’t answer.  A few moments later he tried again and she answered right away.  

He asked her why she hadn’t answered before, and she said that the phone hadn’t rung.

The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the church office.  

The caller wanted to know why the pastor had called him Saturday night.

The pastor was confused.  The caller said, “It rang and rang,  but I didn’t answer.” 

The pastor remembered the incident and apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he’d intended to call his wife and must have dialed the wrong number.

The man said, “That’s OK.  Let me tell you my story.  You see, I  was planning to commit suicide that night, but before I did, I prayed, ‘God if you’re there, and you don’t want me to do this, give me a sign now.’ At that point my phone started to ring. 

 I looked at the Caller ID, and it said, ‘Almighty God.’ I was just too afraid to answer!”

I’ve heard that this was a true story, although I am of the opinion that it is a “true” story…more of an urban legend. It’s been used in quite a few sermons. But, either way, it’s a good story.

No worries, just tryin’ to find me a sailboat

Way too funny!

Joe from NJ says:

Wouldn’t it be ironic if Popeye’s chicken was cooked in Olive Oil.

We all know mirrors don’t lie… 

I’m just grateful that they don’t laugh.

So now cocaine is legal in Oregon but straws are not. 

That must be frustrating!

This one is from our dear Leah…

I figured out the difference in gross and net pay when I got my first real job at age 14. 

It’s so “gross” to see what you actually catch in your “net”

My wife asked ,”Did you eat that cake in the fridge?”
No l ate it over the sink like you taught me.

Yes!  I will keep babying my poor decrepit old washer and dryer until they collapse just so I don’t have to get a modern set.

Oh, if only we stuck with that!!!

Okay guys, that’s it, I’m done. Got another one in the box and it’s still Friday. Now, I’ve got to get some sleep cause I got some CBRN Classes tomorrow morning and … full class. Until next time.

Not sure that I have much to say at the beginning of this one, so I’ll just jump right in and start with the laughs. My mind is just not working on all cylinders right now, so maybe I’ll have more to say as we go along. So … 

Our dear sister Lynn sent us a bunch of Navy memes so let’s do those first…

And the Air Force says … we can still get there faster.

Poetry from Joe NJ

Poetry for Seniors …

Another year has passed,
And we’re a little older.
Last summer felt hotter,
And winter seems colder.

There was a time not long ago,
When life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand,
About ‘Living in the Past’

We used to go to weddings,
Football games and lunches…
Now we go to funeral homes,
And after-funeral brunches.

We used to go out dining,
And couldn’t get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.

We used to often travel,
To places near and far.
Now we get sore asses,
From riding in the car.  

We used to go to nightclubs,
And drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night,
And watch the evening news.

That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up…
Before you’re too damned old!

And Lynn also sent us some on the Marines!  Let’s go!

I completed my puzzle lots faster than my husband did.

I want this lamp!!!

How do you know the ocean is friendly?

It waves

This poor guy must be having one heck of a bad day!

PASSENGER FLIGHT FROM NY TO LA.
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the pilot made an announnncement over the intercom.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. 

Welcome to Flight No. 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, just sit back and relax.”

Then he quickly yells out loud – “OH MY GOD!”

Dead silence followed.

After a few minutes, the pilot comes back on the intercom and says, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was speaking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of hot coffee and spilled it all over my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

A passenger in Coach shouts back, “That’s nothing, you should see the back of mine!”

I would like to point out, that the earth hasn’t been around that long (read your Bible) (carbon dating has been proven to be false and unreliable after a certain age and having read articles where the scientist try to debunk creationist who disprove it, they sound ridiculous) 

Hmm, I don’t know where it puts me on the pickiness scale, but I got a 26 out of 63 or 41%.  So, that’s less than half, so I think I’m doing okay.

This one is from Lynn and she writes:

[Counting my claws…] Wait a darn minute!

Q. How do you know when you honeymoon is over?

A. When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.

Hardest thing to do sometimes is forgiveness.

A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. 

As he’s retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it’s technically belongs to him. 

After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter “country style.” 

“What’s country style?” asks the city boy.

“Out here in the country”, the farmer says, “when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. 

Then that feller, why ,he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. The last man standing wins the dispute.”

Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks  him in the balls with all his might. 

The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he’s ever felt, crying like a baby and coughing up blood. 

Finally he staggers to his feet and says,”All right, n-now it’s m-my turn.”

The farmer grins. “Aw hell, you win. Keep the duck.” 

A farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields were grown over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart, and the fences were broken down. 
 
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man’s work, saying, “May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!”  
 
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it’s a completely different place.  The farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. 

 “Amazing!” the preacher says. “Look what God and you have accomplished together!”
 
“Yes, reverend,” says the farmer, “but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!”

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he can do. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town grouch. 

So Mr. Smith went to this ‘miracle doctor’ to prove that he wasn’t anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, “Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can’t taste nothin’, so what are ya goin to do?” 

The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, “What you need is jar number 43.” 

Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders.

So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it.

He tastes it and immediately spits it out, “This is gross!” he yells. 

“I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith,” says the doctor. So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. 

One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, “Doc,” he starts, “I can’t remember!” 

Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, “What you need is jar number 43…” 

Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the town. 

And that’s it my friends.  Today, is Friday and I’m working all weekend, so I’m going to bail from this one and jump right into the next one so as to try … keyword being “try” … to get far enough ahead that, like the magician’s slight of hand, you guys don’t even realize that anything untoward has taken place. So, without further ado, until next time …

Well, it’s Sunday and I’ve already had a full day and intend to have a full night … spent with you guys! So, a happy day and a happy night. Kind of a meh afternoon.

Let me ‘splain.

Got up this morning and took Izzy to work and went to church and covered a sick brother who was supposed to be on security. Church starts at 10 with coffee and donuts and such starting to be served around 9 so as security I was there around 830. Izzy texted me around 950 telling me that she was getting off work early and could I come get here, so I jumped out of church, ran to the base, picked her up, dropped her off at home, and was back to church by 1030.

Records set on all sides.

Missed some of the worship songs but none of the sermon.

Anyway, when I got home, Izzy had left with a friend so I went and mowed the lawn, weed-eated, gathered the trash, did a few more chores, Izzy comes home with a new hamster, I studied for my first of three exams for this semesters FBI and sat down and took the test.

I got an 82%. The poorest score I’ve gotten over the 4 semesters I’ve been involved in so far. I knew I’d door poorly, but thought I’d do a little better. Lots of scripture memorization in this one. It was on Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and Song of Solomon. I don’t have a problem memorizing scripture, but when you memorize something the part I have trouble with is…was that like Psalm 29:3 or 34:8. 

So now…mentally wiped out, I’m now ready to relax and spend time with my favorite people. So, I’ll talk to you guys later. I gotta ….

I’m kidding! Kidding! YOU GUYS are my favorite people!  So, let’s get this puppy started!

There’s that faith conversation at play again. Give it all over to God … and have the lovely luxury of sleeping at night.

Every time my children don’t answer their phone, I take $100 out of their inheritance and put it in my nursing home jar.

Gas prices are so high that I went to the car dealership and test-drove three cars to run my errands. Follow me for more money-saving tips.

Correct me if I’m wrong.

Just kidding. This is the internet. I know you’ll correct me even if I’m right.

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999.

I wanna buy a house like it’s 1999.

There’s only three genders
Male
Female
Mentally Ill

Forcing the Artemis crew to speak with Donald Trump was part of a NASA training exercise to prepare future astronauts for encounters with less intelligent life forms.

Yeah baby!!!

I may contain scenes of violence, nudity and foul language.

Can you find the dragon?

And that’s it my friends. That’s all I got. I’m wiped out. Tired, ready for the bed. Still got things to do. So, until next time.

Good Thursday morning…or for me, Saturday … time traveling dragon at your service.

Wet and rainy here today. Got woke up 4 times last night with tornado watches. Not warnings, watches. Like, come on people, if it’s not a warning, leave me alone. I have to have my phone by my bedside because of my job. I have been called out in the middle of the night before and I have been called in the middle of the night from one of my grief group members and I’ll ALWAYS take a call. The military taught me years ago the ability to awaken in the middle of a sleep, function coherently for whatever length of time I need to, and go immediately back to sleep. But, that doesn’t mean that my phone beeping at me with nonsense text messages about tornado watches at 2, 3, 4 am aren’t annoying. 

And here I am, it is now 1130, I have taken Izzy to work, got gas for the mower, even though I won’t be able to mow today, come home and did all my Bible study, went back and picked Izzy up after two short hours of work because they had nothing to do, went grocery shopping. Between all of that I started the dishwasher and did a load of laundry. 

We dragons get more done before 11 am then most people do all day. 

Anyway, enough about me. Hope all of you are doing well, whaddaya say we jump into the fun stuff and we’ll bang around this lair together for a while.

I heard something just the other day about the group of people who are running this device and how they claim they want to open a gateway to another world. They have a statue of Shiva the destroyer in their lobby … or somewhere on their premises and, from what I heard, they are run by some very bad people. The site itself sits on what was biblically called the gates of hell. Quite an interesting story. 

Last night my wife wore a police uniform to bed and said, “You’re being charged with being good in bed.” 90 seconds later the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

Well, if that’s the ONLY reason…

I used to mix my metaphors, but that ship has flown.

I suppose I’m in the minority but I always lick the knife when I’m done.

None of the other surgeons seem to do it.

Well, today my neighbors spoke to me. So I did what I had to do. I strapped a monitor on my ankle, went outside with my shirt on inside out, and argued with a pine tree. That should hold them off for a while.

When I said I wanted to be mysterious and fascinating, I didn’t mean medically.

This is so true. Having the faith to give things over to God is not easy. And it takes practice, if that makes sense. But then there’s people that make it look like it’s the simplest thing in the world. And I suppose, once you “get it” it really is. Once you understand that when you give your life over to God, because God gave His Son up for you and you accept that propitiatory sacrifice that Jesus made and everything that goes along with it, then nothing else matters. And when nothing else matters and you understand that you are now part of God’s plan and you are an adopted son (legally, see Galatians 4:5) with all the rights thereof, what in the world do you have to be worried about? I have the FAITH to know that all that is true, so I know that God will see me through the storm, the pain, or whatever else He has in mind for me OR He will take me home to be with Him. I know that so long as He still has work for me to do here on earth, then He will see me through the storm and help me deal with the pain and the darkness. But, either way it’s a win-win for me.

Whoever decided to put a “p” in “receipt” was an “idiopt”.

They’re hiring at the comb factory…

It’s part time.

Hey! That sounds just like MY favorite book. I reread it all the time.

Tell me straight, Doc, How long do I have left?

10.

10? 10 What? Years? Weeks?

9 … 8 … 7 …

“Mom? Don’t freak out, but I’m in the hospital…”

“Jeremy, you’ve been a doctor for over eight years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that.”

Heck, I can’t say it once!

And that, my dear friends, is that. I am all done in for now. Believe it or not, I just got a frost and a freeze advisory for the next two days … Sunday and Monday. Gotta love Indiana weather, it’s like they say, if you don’t like the weather, wait a minute.  I just turned the A/C on for the first time this season the other day and now I’m gonna have to switch back to heat.

Okay, until next time my friends…