Dragon Laffs … again..

Follow up

Hello again campers,

There was some stuff I forgot to bring up yesterday and now that it’s today, there is more stuff that I need to bring up.

First of all, let’s get to some mail that I’ve been neglecting for a few weeks.

Ginny says: Thanks for the laughs, good luck in getting your new job recognized and upgraded to match a new salary Have a good Sunday off….CHILL!

Danny says: As usual, it’s been fun. Good luck with the promotion. Question:How can I send you material to consider for your site? This far, I have been unable to do so.

Let’s address the work thing first.  My boss was promoted to a new position effective July 22nd.  Although he had been detailed to that position a few weeks earlier.  The way the government works is that all hiring is done through usajobs.  I’m the obvious choice but doesn’t mean anything.  Also, the opening hasn’t even been posted yet and could be weeks or months yet.  And then, it could take up to 3 months for that process to run it’s course.  In the mean time, the spot is vacant, but the work still needs to be done.  So, I’ll keep you all updated.

Now as to Danny’s question, you can reach me at impishdragon@gmail.com although I will warn you and everyone that I am over a thousand emails behind right now….but I am planning on getting caught up.  And of course most of those are spam, but still you have to go through them.

Oh and congrats to Leah D…it was right under the coffee cup.  And her and I know what we’re talking about.  lol.

Thanks to all the donations we’ve received so far.

Danny M.
Karl K.
Ginny
Philip S.
Kristine M.
Donald M.
William E.
Margaret C.
Steven H.
Jonathon J.
Christ S.
Leah H.

That is really awesome for it just being the first 24 hours.  Thank you, thank you, thank you my dear friends.

Got to dash, maybe try to get to some of those gazzillion emails.

Cheers,

Impish

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Dragon Laffs #1617

Header3

Good Morning Campers,

It’s that time of year again when I make an unabashed plea for money.  Yup, the bills coming due at the end of the month and I’m asking for your help to pay it.  On the top right of the page a couple of inches down is the place where you can click to donate to Dragon Laffs. 

I know it’s pretty shitty to ask for money when we’ve been so hit and miss this year, but I got to do it or the website comes to an end.  So, if you’re still happy with what we are putting out then be a pal and throw us a couple of bucks.

That’s all I’m going to say about it for now, so let’s move on.

coollogo_com-130663134

4561

Our dear friend and fellow camper sent a memo through the Dragon Laffs and Leprechaun Laffs Corporate communication system.

Memo:
The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Anti proliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and
thus will not be meeting until the first time. Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be confusing. So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting. This should avoid
having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by
reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.

4562

4559

4563

I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

 

4564

My goal in life is to piss off at least one person a day.
So far I’m about 4 years ahead of schedule.

4565

4560

4566

Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like, “I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn’t”

4567

There’s a fine line between saying too much and saying too little.  I walk that line like a drunken clown at the circus.

4568

I don’t always diet and exercise…

…but when I do, I expect the results to be instant, dramatic and spectacular.

4569

The police pulled me over and asked me, “you know how fast you were going?”  I said, “Obviously not fast enough because you caught me.”

4570

After exercising I always eat pizza.
Just kidding.
I don’t exercise.

4571

Research has shown that laughing for 2 minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog.

So now I’m sitting in the park laughing at tall the joggers.

4572

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in, “I recommend the squirrel.”

4573

I decided to go on a road trip and not come back until I ran out of money…I walked to the end of the driveway and back again.

4574

It’s all fun and games until they start playing banjo music in the middle of your prostate exam.

4575

Have you ever given the finger to a text message?

Or is that just me?

4576

I don’t like to call it revenge…returning the favor sounds nicer.

4577

To those of you who keep expecting me to go out of my mind at any moment, it may take a while longer as the exits are not clearly marked.

4578

I sold my house this week.  I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.

4579

My goal was to lose 15 pounds this year.

Only 20 to go.

4580

I made it from the bed to the coffee maker.

There’s no stopping me now!

4581

My guess is that if a dead body was found in the trunk of Hillary’s car, the FBI would ask Trump why he did it.

4582

I went for a run but came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than 2 minutes.

4583

I picked up a hitchhiker last night.  He seemed surprised that I’d pick up a stranger and asked, “Thanks, but why would you pick me up?  How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I told him the chances of two serial killers being in one car at the same time would be astronomical.

4584

RANDOM TIDBITS

The original McDonald’s had a hickory pit and served barbecued beef, ham, and pork along with chili, tamales, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

***

The smallest McDonald’s restaurant is only 492 square feet. It is in Tokyo, Japan.

***

The world’s largest McDonald’s used to be in Beijing and had a staggering 28,000 square feet. But it is no longer there. The new world’s largest is in Orlando, FL. The three-story, 19,000-square-foot restaurant is open 24-hours and features burgers, chicken sandwiches, pizza, pasta, waffles and omelets.

***

McDonald’s sells unique menus items in every country. For example: banana pie, chicken porridge, the McLobster roll, and the McRice Burger. In Germany, McDonald’s even sells beer.

***

The eggs at McDonald’s are really a mixture that includes eggs and an ‘egg blend,’ which includes a solvent found in soap and shaving cream. It also includes dimethylpolysiloxane, a silicone that can also be found in Silly Putty, and calcium silicate, a sealant used on roofs and concrete.

***

The McRib is a product of ‘restructured meat product’ – or a mixture of tripe, heart, and scalded stomach – which is then mixed with salt and water to extract proteins from the muscle. The proteins bind all the pork trimmings together so that it can be reshaped into a fake slab of ribs.

I’m never fucking eating at McDonald’s again.

4585

And that, dear friends, is that again for another week.

Love you all,

Cheers!

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Dragon Laffs #1616

funnies only

My fellow campers,

I’m sorry to say that it will probably be several weeks before you start getting issues like you are used to, with lots of commentary from me.  I’m a lone government servant working by myself doing the job of three people.  As long as it ends up getting me the promotion … then it will all be worth it.  Well, at least right now it will be.  If it keeps up too much longer than who knows.

LOL!

Anyway, let’s laugh, shall we?

4530

“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that your are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with assholes.” – William Gibson

4531

The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.

The doc checked the man’s blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the wife.

He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.

She did as instructed. He then told her to raise her arms above her head, then bend over, touch her toes and cough.

Finally, he said, “OK, good. You can get dressed now and I will go talk to your husband.”

The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, “Well, Bill, you can relax. There is nothing wrong with you. I couldn’t get an erection either.”

4532

DO YOU EVER LOOK AT ALL YOUR KIDS AND THINK…

THAT ONE will be dropping me curbside at the nursing home.
THAT ONE will be paying for it.
THAT ONE will visit me the most.
And THAT ONE?  He’ll be sneaking in the good tequila and Twinkies.

4533

 

I want to be like a caterpillar.  Eat a lot.  Sleep for a while.  Wake up beautiful.

4534

BRAINS ARE AWESOME!!!!
I wish everyone had one.

4535

Some days I amaze myself.

Other days I look for my phone while holding it in my hand.

4536

Ate a box of THIN MINTS, didn’t get thinner.

I don’t think they work.

4537

A Police Officer came to my house and asked me where I was between 5 and 6. He seemed irritated when I answered, “Kindergarten”.

4538

I asked my grandpa, “After 65 years, you still call grandma darling, beautiful, and honey.  What’s the secret?”

He said, “I forgot her name 5 years ago and I’m too afraid to ask her.”

4539

Mister Rogers did not adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.

4540

I often wonder who Pete is and why we do things for his sake…

4541

I went to the Psychiatrist today.  She told me I had a split personality and charged me $160.  I gave her $80 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot!!

4542

The Secret of Enjoying a Good Wine:

1. Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.

2.  If it doesn’t look like it’s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.

4543

If God Was a Woman

1. Sex would smell like chocolate.

2. Farts would smell like roses.

3. Dogs would smell spring fresh.

4. Babies would come from vending machines.

5. Men would be born with a permanent erection.

6. All women would have the same size breasts.

7. There would be no cellulite.

8. Every food on the planet would be FAT FREE.

9. Men would be born with an “OFF” switch.

10. There would be no “Hooters”.

11. A man’s paycheck would be made payable to his wife.

12. All menstrual cycles would be replaced with a 5-8 day vacation in Hawaii!

13. Men would inherit the menstrual cycle.

14. Men would come with software to be custom designed.

15. Men would come equipped with homing device for quick location by wife.

16. Men would have a built in lie detector on forehead for instant verification of truth.

17. Men would be intelligent enough to tell the difference between six inches and three inches.

18. Sex would last longer than 30 seconds.

19. Foreplay would not be a quick slap on the fanny and a kiss on the cheek.

20. Viagra becomes an over the counter drug.

4544

4545

4546

That’s just wrong on so many levels.

4547

4548

4549

4550

4551

4552

4553

4554

4555

4556

4557

4558

 

 

Sadly, we must end today’s short issue with a life lesson and three examples of stupidity…

5

5a

5b

Cheers dear friends!

Impish Dragon

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Dragon Laffs #1615

Bad Week

Yes, yes, yes, it’s been a bad week. 

But, I gotta say one thing.

2

Not no…Not hell no…but FUCK NO!!!

4518

I think the clutch has gone out in my butt…

Because I can’t get my ass in gear!!

4519

Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat and you are unaware of what year you’re in.  

4520

If you answer the phone with “Hello!  You’re on the air!”, most telemarketers will quickly hang up.

4521

My alone time is sometimes for your safety.

4522

Coffee…the WD-40 of adulthood.

4523

Lead me not into temptation…

Oh hell…. Just follow me, I know a shortcut.

4524

New One

6s

6t

6u

6u

6v

6w

7

Okay, so of these are pretty old, some of these are pretty bad, but some of them are funny.

Blonde MEN Jokes

A friend told the blonde man: “Christmas is on a Friday this year.” The blond man then said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”
—————————— ——

Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: “What if one explodes before we get there?” The other says: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”
—————————— ——

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: “Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.” To which the blonde man replied: “Well the joke’s on all of you because I wasn’t even at home yesterday.”
—————————— ——

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?” He answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do… it’s for dry hair, and I’ve just wet mine..”
——————————

A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. “I think it’s got epilepsy,” he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me.” The blonde man says, “Wait, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”
—————————— ——

A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND “. He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
—————————— ——

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor. “No!” he shouts, “this is her husband!”
—————————— ——

A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, “That’s your air freshener swinging about!”
—————————— ——

A blonde man’s dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says “Why don’t you put an ad in the paper?” He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. “What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks. “Here boy!” he replies.
—————————— ——

A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. “Just WHAT are you doing?” he asks. “Hanging myself,” the blond replies. “It should be around your neck” says the guard. “I tried that,” he replies, “but then I couldn’t breathe.”
—————————— ——

An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?” To which the blonde man replies: “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”4525

Mrs. Dragon agrees with this one…

90% of being married is just shouting “what?” from other rooms.

4526

George Phillips , an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?”
He said “No,” but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.”
Then the police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.”
George said, “Okay.” He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
 
“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now,” and he hung up.
 
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
4527

 

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.
“Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”
“‘Yes, I’m afraid so,”‘ the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’..”

4528

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”
The young guy says, “That’s OK, it’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too…I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”
The old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her…what does she look like?”
The young guy says, “Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom…wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?’
To which the old guy says, “Doesn’t matter, — let’s look for yours.”

4529

That’s it for today my friends.

Be well, until next time.

Impish Dragon

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Dragon Laffs #1614

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Oh Lord Dear Campers, has my life been crazy busy.

My boss took a new job, which is a good thing because I want his job, except that I work for the US Government and not only does it take forever for a job to finally come up on usajobs.gov, but anything can happen.

But, I’ll keep you informed on that vein.

But, it means that my three man shop is now a two man shop and I’m doing my job, my boss’s job, and trying to teach the guy under me part of my job.  Well, the guy under me is a reservist, and I salute him for that, BUT he deployed Thursday so my three man shop is now a one man shop!

I really, really need to laugh.  Haven’t had a day off in three weeks and I’m at work while you’re reading this.  I SHOULD have tomorrow, Sunday, off, but we’ll see.

4508

Alcoholics don’t run in my family…they stumble around breaking shit!

4509

I told myself that I should stop DRINKING…but I’m not about to listen to a drunk that talks to himself.

4510

No man has ever won a game of “notice anything different about me?”

4511

Don’t worry about getting older.  You still get to do stupid things, only slower.

4512

Why the Chinese Kick Our Asses In Mathematics!

STUDY THE FIRST PHOTO VERY CAREFULLY. THEN LOOK AT THE SECOND ONE. IT MAY TAKE AWHILE, BUT EVENTUALLY YOU WILL NOTICE A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PHOTOGRAPHS.

Class Photo:     Shanghai  University
2

Class Photo:   University  of  Colorado
2a

Going out on a limb here, but I’m gonna say that most of us would still rather go to the University of Colorado.

Exactly how long is a cotton picking minute?

4513

New One

6l

Okay, so that one is pretty bad.  Repulsive, even.

6m

6n

I’ve dated women like that before.  Pretty sure I was married to one once, too.

6o

6p

6q

6r

That ain’t shit!  You should see the crap that goes on in my office on a normal week.

I’m wearing all black today to mourn the death of my motivation.

4514

Cleaning with the kids home is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.

4515

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the Whatever.

4516

Oh Hell No!  My doctor just set up an appointment for me to have a stress test and I ain’t doin’ that!!!!!!

A plumber was called to a woman’s apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe.
When he arrived, he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely ‘friendly’.
About 4:30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing their bedroom shenanigans. “That was my husband,” she said, “He’s on his way home, but he’s going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off.”
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. “What? On my own time??”

4517

That’s it for today.

Have a great week.

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