Alpena Trip Part 2

Beautiful countryside

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Alpena Trip Part 1

It’s nice to have someone else driving this year. It allows me to relax and play tourist. Seeing lots of these in northeastern Michigan.

I’ve heard lots on both sides of the debate about windmills and wind power but I don’t really have a fog in the fight so I’m not sure I really have much of an opinion.

I’ll try to do the occasional update over the next couple of days.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

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Dragon Laffs #1676

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Good Morning Campers,

Last Saturday was an incredible day.  We trained over 300 individuals in CBRN Defense in about 11 hours.  For those of you who don’t know what CBRN defense is, it is Chemical, Biological, Radiological, and Nuclear Defense Training.  In other words, teaching military members how to stay alive in really crappy environments.

This is a little bit of what it looked like:

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Just a little bit of a look at what I do in the real world for a living.

It was a good day, but exhausting.  12 hours on concrete floors was a bit much for this poor old dragon, but I’m a silver haired warrior and will continue on the battle.

Now, I think it’s time to break out some of the laffs.

hx6TxXw

Yeah, that’s about right.

Okay….

I just had a talk with myself and it didn’t go well.  Now, I’m grounded.

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Losing weight should be like losing your virginity.  Once you lose it you can never get it back.

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A conversation in Heaven

1st woman:    Hi! Wanda.        

2nd woman:   Hi! Sylvia.  How’d you die?       

1st woman:
    I froze to death.       

2nd woman:
   How horrible!

1st woman:
    It wasn’t so bad. After I quit violently shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What  about you?

2nd woman:
   I died of a  massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.   But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman:
    So, what happened?

2nd woman:
   I was so sure there was another woman  there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.  Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.  I kept this up until I had looked everywhere. Finally I was so utterly exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman:
   Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer—we’d both still be alive. 

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Drank a whole bottle of tequila while doing my taxes… I’m getting 2 million dollars back this year.

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Decaf coffee only works if you throw it at people.

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Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.

And this is called the Space Time Continuum…

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Have you ever just looked at someone and just imagined holding their head under water?

Oh… um…

Me neither.

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I can understand that…

Papa Dragon most senior sent me this one:

MEDICARE PLAN PART G

If you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and need Long-Term Care, but the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you, what do you do?  You may opt for Medicare Part G.

The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet.  You may then shoot one worthless politician.  This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the health care you need.  Need new teeth?  No problem. Need glasses?  That’s great.  Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart?  They are all covered!  As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!

And, who will be paying for all of this?  The same government that just told you they can’t afford for you to go into a nursing home.  And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it.

And now, because you are a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any more income tax.

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And since we’re talking politicians, let’s get right to this stuff…

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Yeah, I know…not as funny as they are scary.  But, we aren’t afraid of the truth around here, either.

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I just found out that I’ll be going to Alpena, Michigan again next week.  We will be up there again helping another base out with an exercise and if I remember from last time it was extraordinarily difficult getting a connection and getting anything done, so there may or may not be an issue next Saturday. I’ll try to keep you guys in the loop the best I can and send you updates over my phone.

I went up there last year at this same time of year and we got hit with some pretty decent snow, so we may end up with the same thing again this year… sigh.  It just seems like it never ends.  It’s a darn good thing I like my job.  LOL!

But, having said that, it is a BEAUTIFUL part of the country!  And for that, if not for nothin’ else, I’m looking forward to going.  Going to miss Mrs. Dragon and Izzy Dragon, but I’m sure they’ll be happy to be rid of me for a week.

Okay, back to the issue.

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Oh hey, while we’re talking…my sources of humorous material are drying up.  So, I’m reaching out to you, dear campers, and asking, if you see something funny, read something funny, send it my way and you can see it here, in your favorite ezine.

You can send it to impishdragon@hotmail.com; impishdragon@yahoo.com; impishdragon@gmail.com they all come to me.  I’m pretty sure if you write Impish Dragon on an envelope and put a stamp on it, it will eventually end up at my door.  I’m pretty sure there’s an aol mailbox somewhere that’s full of my mail that I just can’t access any more. 

Anyway…. send me your funnies, your jokes, your stories, even your questions and answers and they may end up right here.  Otherwise….when I run out of stuff, I’ll have to start making up my own and we all know we don’t want THAT to happen.

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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, “Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!” The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.” “Nah,” she says, “that’s okay. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”

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A lady comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?” The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old.” “Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?” She said, “Your name never came up in the conversation.”

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A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, “Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?”

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A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon’s activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. “Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house. “Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.” The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You liar! You’ve been playing golf!”

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Well, he certainly didn’t lie.

And now for what is my favorite part of the show…

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Aim High

Air Bags

Air Superiority

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I don’t know.  I’ve always wanted to sky dive.  But, there’s always been that little voice in the back of my head that says, “why would you want to get out of a perfectly good airplane while it’s still in the air?”

Aircraft Maintenance

Yeah, my Air Force career was FULL of that one.

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Akward

alarm clocks

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Alcohol

Yeah, that one is just wrong…on so many levels.

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No kidding.  What a friggin’ shame.  The things we learned as kids from Saturday morning cartoons…like Penguins from Hoboken.  If you don’t know it, look it up.

Okay…. here’s a hint…

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Okay, from there, you’re on your own.

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Now THAT is the stuff that scares me more than anything else.

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Yeah, okay…so that scares me too.  But, in a completely different way.

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A first grade teacher had twenty-six students in her class.  She presented each child in her classroom with the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the saying.  It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders:

1. Don’t change horses … until they stop running.
2. Strike while the … bug is close.
3. It’s always darkest before … Daylight Savings Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of … termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but … how?
6. Don’t bite the hand that … looks dirty.
7. No news is … impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a … Mr.
9. You can’t teach an old dog new … math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll … stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust … me.
12. The pen is mightier than the … pigs.
13. An idle mind is … the best way to relax.
14. Where there’s smoke there’s … pollution.
15. Happy the bride who …gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is … not much.
17. Two’s company, three’s … the Musketeers.
18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what … you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and … you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as … Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not … spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don’t succeed … get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you … see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind … get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand … is going to poop on you.
And the winner is!!!!
26. Better late than … pregnant.

Yeah, I’m not thinking they were first graders either, but they sure were funny none the less.  Thanks for those Stephanie!

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Monday is Veteran’s Day.  Formally known as Armistice Day, it was a day celebrating the ending of World War I.  Now, it is a day for honoring military veterans.  Not necessarily for honoring those that have given their lives for their country, that’s usually done on Memorial Day, but just those men and women who have spent time in uniform.

According to the strictest definition, a Veteran is someone who has already served and been discharged, but to me, active duty military and reservists are also Veterans in the sense that they too, have not only already served, but are continuing to serve, but that is neither here nor there. 

Veteran’s Day is for those who have worn the uniform…in any capacity.  Those who have stood up and said, “Yeah verily.  I swear to give up everything… EVERYTHING … including my life … to protect and defend all of the rest of you.  To put your happiness, safety, and well-being ahead of my own.AF-PROUD  To ignore your jabs of derision, your pointless ridicule, and your mindless self-centered entitlement and understand that my honor, duty, and pride will not allow me to allow you to come to harm if my life…my body can protect you.”

So yeah, maybe it’s the idiot civilians I’ve been dealing with lately or the conversations I’ve been having with some people that make me feel the way that I feel, but you all should know the way that we feel about Veterans around here by now. 

So, take a moment and thank a Vet.  Thank him or her for their service, for their dedication, for their responsibility, for their hard work, self-sacrifice and discipline.  And if you are a Vet, or a straight civilian, find an active duty person and thank them for stepping into the line.  Thank them for now taking their spot.  Every class I teach to the military I tell them thank you for doing their part and putting their collective asses on the line between the horrible evilness in the world and my family and my friends and my loved-ones.

You should do the same.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

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Dragon Laffs #1675

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Good Morning Campers,

Let's Laugh 2

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Strange new trend at the office.  People putting names on food in the company fridge.  Today I had a tuna sandwich named Linda.

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You come from dust, you will return to dust.  That’s why I don’t dust.  It could be someone I know.

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Yeah….me, too.

Today, I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled and I laughed at the irony.  Then, I laughed again because of the word “irony”.

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Chester and Earl are going hunting….
Chester says to Earl, “I’ll send my dog out to see if there are any
ducks out in the pond. If there aren’t many ducks out there, I’m not
going hunting.”
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice.
Chester says, “Well I’m not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there.”
Earl looks at Chester and skeptically says, “You’re going to take the
dog’s barks for the truth are you?”
Obviously Earl doesn’t believe it, so he goes to look for himself.
When he gets back he says, “I don’t believe it. There really are only
two ducks out there!
Where did you get that dog”?
Chester says, “Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you
want one, you can get one from him”.
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his
friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home,
tells it to go out and look for ducks.
Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in its mouth and starts
humping Earl’s leg.
Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, “This dog
is a fraud. All he wants to do is play ‘fetch a stick!’ I want my
money back!”
This concerned the breeder who asked Earl what the dog did.
So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it
came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.
The relieved breeder says, “Earl, dogs can’t talk. He was trying to
tell you there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a
stick at!”

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Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked the young programmer:

“And what starting salary were you looking for?”

The programmer said, “In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The HR Person said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company Corvette leased every 2 years?”

The programmer sat up straight and said, “Wow!!! Are you kidding?”

The HR Person replied, “Certainly… but you started it.”

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Whoever said “The customer is always right” has never worked with the public a day in their freaking life!

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My favorite essential oil is bacon grease.

284

You cannot lose weight on a starvation diet.  I went 30, 40 minutes… nothin’!

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If you see someone buying candy, popcorn, and soda at the movies they are a drug dealer.  There’s no other explanation for that type of income.

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I must have an amazing butt, every time I walk away from someone I hear them whisper, “what an ass.”

 

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1. Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
3. Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
5. Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
6. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
7. Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
8. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, IT WILL!!!
9. Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
11. The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
12. Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
13. Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
14. Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible IF you don’t know what you are talking about.
15. Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
16. Law of Public Speaking — A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!
17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!
18. Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.
19. Law of Supply & Demand – If there are only 2 people in ANY store, they both are going to look for the same item on the same shelf and there is only one such item available.

If you don’t forward this to your friends, your belly button will unscrew – and your butt will fall off. Really… It’s true. I read it on the Internet!

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I experienced the WORST customer service the other day at a store in town. I don’t want to mention the name of the store because I’m not sure how I’m going to proceed. Friday evening I bought something from this store. I paid cash for it.  I took it home and found out it didn’t work. So yesterday, less than 24 hours later I took it back to the store and asked if I could get a refund. The girl in the store told me NO even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a replacement instead then.  Again this person told me “NO.” I asked to talk to a manager now as I’m really not happy and I explained that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it didn’t work. The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was “OUT OF LUCK.” No refund. No FREE replacement.  I’ll tell you what…I am NEVER buying another Lottery Ticket from there again.

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Gather round kidlets and Impish will tell you the story of Stingy Jack and the history of the Jack O’Lanterns….

The Legend of “Stingy Jack”

People have been making jack-o’-lanterns at Halloween for centuries. The practice originated from an Irish myth about a man nicknamed “Stingy Jack.” According to the story, Stingy Jack invited the Devil to have a drink with him. True to his name, Stingy Jack didn’t want to pay for his drink, so he convinced the Devil to turn himself into a coin that Jack could use to buy their drinks. Once the Devil did so, Jack decided to keep the money and put it into his pocket next to a silver cross, which prevented the Devil from changing back into his original form. 

Jack eventually freed the Devil, under the condition that he would not bother Jack for one year and that, should Jack die, he would not claim his soul. The next year, Jack again tricked the Devil into climbing into a tree to pick a piece of fruit. While he was up in the tree, Jack carved a sign of the cross into the tree’s bark so that the Devil could not come down until the Devil promised Jack not to bother him for ten more years.

Soon after, Jack died. As the legend goes, God would not allow such an unsavory figure into heaven. The Devil, upset by the trick Jack had played on him and keeping his word not to claim his soul, would not allow Jack into hell. He sent Jack off into the dark night with only a burning coal to light his way. Jack put the coal into a carved-out turnip and has been roaming the Earth with ever since. The Irish began to refer to this ghostly figure as “Jack of the Lantern,” and then, simply “Jack O’Lantern.”

In Ireland and Scotland, people began to make their own versions of Jack’s lanterns by carving scary faces into turnips or potatoes and placing them into windows or near doors to frighten away Stingy Jack and other wandering evil spirits. In England, large beets are used. Immigrants from these countries brought the jack-o’-lantern tradition with them when they came to the United States. They soon found that pumpkins, a fruit native to America, make perfect jack-o’-lanterns.

I know it’s a couple of days past Halloween, but I hope you found that story as entertaining as I did.

Now, on to some other funny stories:

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4z

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4e

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1fa

 

A good bra is like a sheepdog.  It rounds 1fbthem up and points them in the right direction.

 

 

 

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If you can’t fly with the big girls…stay off the broom.

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Every box of raisins is a tragic story of grapes that could have been wine.

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NURSE – noun – The first person you see after saying “hold my beer and watch this”.

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Adventure

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Adversity

Adversity2

advertising

Advertising_Savvy

Advice

Affection

Affordable Housing

Africa

Agile Riposte

agony

Agony1

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Well, my dear friends, that’s all I have time for this week.  I have to work this week end.  Big, big weekend.  I hope to have pictures and all kinds of stuff for you next week.

Cheers to you all.

Impish Dragon

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Dragon Laffs #1674

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Unbelievable….

It’s Friday morning.  I’ve taken the day off work so that I can take Mrs. Dragon to the doctor to have some annual tests run.  Last week at work was a week from Hell and next week will be the same, but this week I’ve just been preparing for a huge CBRN Rodeo (no, not a real rodeo, no horses involved, just training lots of people) next weekend.  I’ve been working on the issue all week.  HUGE issue.  I just went to upload it to the website and it disappeared…

All gone…

POOF!

Electrons dispersed into the ether.

I’m gob smacked.

I think I finally understand what that word really means.

Sitting here in front of laptop, hit upload, it said something about a fatal error and *blink* all gone.

Now, I just tried it with what little bit I have here and it works fine.  I know I’m using “old technology” that’s “no longer supported” ( I use Windows Live Writer) to write these blogs because I FRIGGIN LIKE IT, but come on!  Just a little bit of a break here!

Okay, here we go.  I’ll never recreate the post that I had, but start from scratch and create a new post in less than … well …. subtract the hours that I’ll be gone taking Mrs. Dragon to the doctor… carry the one … NOT MUCH DAMN TIME!!!!!

So…………….

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Because it’s either that or cry!

LOL

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Mrs. Dragon found this picture of the Bald Eagle sitting atop the flag pole somewhere…I’m not really sure where she finds some of the really cool stuff she finds, but I asked her to share it with me so I could share it with you guys and there it is.  I thought it was pretty awesome!

 

 

 

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Okay, so that was really BAD!!!!!

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Adulthood is like looking both ways before crossing the street and getting hit by an airplane.

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Ma and Pa Kettle were sitting on the front porch rocking away listening to Reverend Ike on the radio.

The Reverend said, “Place your left hand on the part of your body you want healed, raise your right hand in the air and say, ‘I Believe, I Believe!’ and you shall be healed.”
Well, Ma placed her left hand inside her blouse over her tired, old heart and lungs, and raised her right hand in the air and shouted, “I Believe, I Believe!”
Meanwhile, Pa just looked at her like she was some kind of lunatic. Then, Ma started breathing nice and easy, without her old wheeze, and she started rocking twice as fast as before. A wonderful color came back into her cheeks.
Pa shrugged his shoulders, and figured what the heck. So, he shoved his left hand down the front of his pants. Then, he started to raise his right hand in the air.

Ma then said, “Pa, the Reverend said, ‘Heal,’ not raise the dead.’”

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While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up driven by a very beautiful women, who asked, “Are you okay?”

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for…

“I’m okay I think,” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

“That’s nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!”

“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive.  Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.”

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I’d better go now.”

“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything.  By the way, where is she?”

“Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess.”

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My mind is like my internet browser…
19 tabs open
3 of them are frozen
and I have no idea where the music is coming from

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Be Decisive.
Right or Wrong, make a decision.
The road of life is paved with Flat Squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.

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If you didn’t get that one you’re too young.

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons, and electrons.  They forget to mention morons.

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Ever been so drunk you got hit by a parked car?

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I told Santa what I wanted for Christmas.
He washed my mouth out with soap.

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I dusted once.
It came back.
I’m not falling for that again.

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I’m not sure how many chocolates equals happiness…but so far it’s not 27.

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When I’m bored, I call a random number, say this and hang up…

It’s done.  I hid the body…headed your way.  Got you on GPS.  You better have my money.

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I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army Soup Kitchen.  All I said was: “Hurry up, some of us have go homes to go to.”

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Accident Porn Area

Accomadation

Accomplishment

Accordion Hero

Achievement

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Achievement3

Acid

Acting the Part

Activism

addiction

admit it

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Adoption

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As a young child my mother told me I can be anyone I want to be.

Turns out this is called identity theft.

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According to a Guardian article, the average person has sex 89 times a year!  Looks like I’m in for a wild December!

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One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. 

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. 

“Your Honor,” she began coolly, “I figured that at 92, if he could still fuck, he could fly!”

255

A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom he needs Viagra.The mom asks, “Why on earth do you need that?” The little boy replies, “Isn’t that what you give dad when HIS shit won’t get hard?!”

256

Well, I’m afraid it’s not near the issue that it would have been… but that’s if for this week my friends.

Love to you all.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

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