Good Morning Campers,
Well, I’m back home. It was a long week, even though I wasn’t gone a whole week, it seemed like it was much longer. Hopefully it will be a bit slower week for me this week. I’m actually starting this issue on Sunday, while watching the
Great first half with the Colts ahead 10 to 7.
Anyway, let’s get to some laughs, shall we?
This one is from Steve, but I agree with him 100%!!!!!!!
Although, truth in honesty, when I came home from Alpena yesterday, Izzy dragon had drug the Christmas tree down from the upstairs storage area, and set it up. It’s a new tree for us, given to us by a relative because they wanted a smaller tree. Izzy is always VERY excited about Christmas. This tree is so damn big she couldn’t put some of the branches on the back side because they wouldn’t fit. And unlike our old tree, it’s not “pre-lit”, which means it doesn’t already have lights on it. So, right now, we have a bare green tree in our living room. We don’t have lights because we haven’t needed lights. The tree has always been her and Mrs. Dragon’s deal, so my only comment was, “Sure is a big son-of-a-bitch.”
I’m watching the game and they…the females of the house…are plotting the visit to the store and exactly what they are going to need to decorate that “big S.O.B.” I love my life.
At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”
More importantly, that’s why we NEED alcohol.
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, “Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!” Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, “It reminded me of a peanut.” Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally’s mom asked, “Really small, was it?” Sally replied, “No, salty.” Mom fainted.
Just an update…6 minutes left in the 3rd quarter.
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.” As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, “If I catch you, you’re mine!” The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
And if Mrs. Dragon is on the jury, you’ll never be convicted.
A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules. “I’ll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?” His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night, whether you’re here or not.”
The bell rang for school to start and John walked in late. Mr. Clark asked, “John, why are you late?” He replied, “I was on Cherry Hill.” Then he sat down. Ten minutes later Nathan walked in late and Mr. Clark repeated, “Why are you late?” Nathan answered, “I was on top of Cherry Hill.” Five minutes later Kevin walked in late and Mr. Clark said to him, “Kevin, where have you been?” Kevin replied, “I was on Cherry Hill.” Ten minutes later a girl walked in the classroom and Mr. Clark asked, “Hi there, what’s your name?” The girl replied, “Cherry Hill.”
A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!” The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal.” The trucker replies, “Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick.”
I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I’m not cutting off three inches for anyone.”
Yeah, it’s all fun and games until it’s the woman who snores….
And if you don’t think that shit chaps this dragon’s ass…
Yup! This one too! Especially since I worked for this one and it’s MY FUCKING MONEY!!!!!
Okay, now I’m just pissed off. I gotta find something to laugh about.
And at the end of the 3rd Quarter.
During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, “I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents room and my mom’s feet were in the air and she was screaming, “Oh God, I’m coming!!!”
I don’t know about the rest of you, but I think the rule changes in the NFL this year are complete bullshit. I haven’t seen any really bad calls in this game, but there were some missed interference calls, but man, last week, the bullshit calls about roughing the passer and crap, oh my gawd! It’s like it’s a penalty if you give the quarterback a stern look! I mean, come on! This is a contact sport, after all.
Anyway, 2 minutes left in the game, and Jacksonville is getting annihilated by my Colts. Let’s do a couple more laughs, because we know that the last two minutes in a football game usually takes about 15 minutes.
Must be a Democratic dryer
Okay, I’ve never seen that before. Jacksonville goes for the two-point conversion after the touchdown. It’s a pass. Colts intercept and run it all the way back the other way. Colts don’t get a touchdown, they get the two points. And then Jacksonville has to kick off to the Colts. I guess it makes sense when you think about it, but I’ve just never seen it before.
Pretty cool really.
Well, now it’s Tuesday night and I’m supposed to be playing darts, my normal Tuesday night fare, but my team has a bye this week, so I get to continue working on the ezine.
I’m still needing submissions….I’ve been getting some from quite a few of you. Thank you to all of you who have been contributing….I deeply appreciate it…..but don’t stop now. LOL!
How to Win The War on Drugs
1. Legalize drugs
2. Require all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service
And that, my dear campers, is that.
Until next week, have a wonderful week.
Love to you all.