Now there is a header that goes WAY back. It’s header #4, which means it is one that I saved in 2011. So, it’s now 12 years old.
The good old days.
Anyway, here it is, Thursday night and I’m starting to put this episode together for Saturday. Like I mentioned at the close of my last one, I’ll mention at the beginning of this one, there MAY NOT be an issue on Monday because of the extra long, extra hard weekend that I have coming up this weekend. I have an additional class on Sunday afternoon that I have to teach, which takes the couple of extra hours that I normally have that I throw together to put an issue together away from me. My weekend hours are usually longer hours and these will be longer still.
Anyway, everything is lined up and ready to go, so what do you say we get this truck out on the highway, shall we?
A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.
When they get back, his friend says to him, “So, tell me, how was it?”
“Oh, it was beautiful,” says the man. “The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we–“
His friend interrupts him. “A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?”
“Oh,” says the man, “we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday…”
“My life is awful,” the man says. “Every night, I play Trivial Pursuit with my wife, and every night she beats me.”
“Well, why don’t you just stop playing Trivial Pursuit?” the bartender asks.
“I love the game,” the man says. “I’m a genius. I never lose.”
The bartender is confused. “I thought you just said your wife beats you.”
“Yeah,” the man says, “she’s a sore loser.”
Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner had to call an electrician, a roofer, a plasterer and a carpenter.
One afternoon he returned from work early and saw a plumber’s truck in the driveway.
“Lord,” he pleaded, looking skyward, “please let my wife be having an affair.”
This guy was found outside the offices skulking around. Once he was brought into the dungeons…or I mean, conference rooms, it was determined that he was working for some organization he was trying to start, some humor ezine called DragonChuckles… needless to say, nobody has seen him … well … nobody has seen him since we talked to him in the … what was it? Oh yeah, the conference room.
Many years ago there was an Irish radio program where the presenters would travel around the country, stopping off at various schools and factories where they would interview some of the locals, and the broadcast would go out live.
They ended up at a primary school in the backside of nowhere one day, and Little Johnny, a farmer’s son, was wheeled forward to say a few words live on the radio.
‘So Little Johnny, how are you today?’ said Mr. Smoothie Presenter.
‘Not too well at all, sir, there’s been a death in the family’ replied Little Johnny.
‘Ah no, sure that’s terrible … who died?’ asked the presenter.
‘It was the pony, sir … it fell down a bog hole and my father had to shoot it’, explained Little Johnny.
‘God, that’s awful. Did your father shoot it in the hole?’
‘No sir … he shot it in the head’
Little Johnny goes to school. His first class is English, and the teacher wants the kids to say what they ate for breakfast and spell it.
The first girl says “toast” — t o a s t.
The second boy says “eggs” — e g g s.
Little Johnny says “fuckin nothing” — f u c k i n g n o t h i n g.
The teacher stands him in the corner till lunch.
After lunch Little Johnny is allowed to take his seat.
The first class after lunch is geography. The teacher wants to know where the Polish border lies.
Little Johnny shoots up his hand and says, “He’s at home on top of my mom. That’s why I got fucking nothing for breakfast!”
Marina and Amy were sitting drinking coffee.
Amy looked quite down and so Marina asked her what the problem was.
Amy’s brow furrowed and she said, “Marina, that Viagra is the work of the devil.
Now we girls can look forward to having sex with really old guys, for years and years to come. I can see it now.
He’s screaming …
‘Who’s your granddaddy, who’s your granddaddy?
Oh dear, I can’t remember! What were we doing? Was I enjoying it?”
That’s a picture of Izzy, she really does hate spiders.
I know, I can’t stand this new stuff they call music, either.
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2059
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
Last Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States.
Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules any punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony,
They had simultaneous Headaches.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with only 5 illegitimate children.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.
Now, send this to whomever you want and as many as you want, then, guess what….NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely nothing, except you might make someone smile or be very very scared, or pissed off.
I Love This Country!
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son’s house. She rang the doorbell and walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered.
“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.
“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.
“Love dress? But you’re naked!”
“My husband loves me to wear this dress,” she explained. “It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can’t get enough of me.”
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“This is my love dress” she whispered, sensually.
“Needs ironing,” he said
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
“Certainly madam,” he replied courteously.
“Is the restaurant open still?” inquired Mary.
“Sorry, no,” came the reply, “but room service is available all night.
Would you care to select something from this menu?”
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. “Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please,” said Mary.
“Certainly, madam,” he replied.
“And can I have breakfast in bed?” asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled.
“In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please,” Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
“Morning madam…sleep well?”
“Yes, thank you,” Mary replied.
“Food to your liking?”
“Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don’t think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though….they really weren’t that nice at all,” replied Mary truthfully.
“Oh…well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion,” said the receptionist.
“OK, I will…thanks!” replied Mary….who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.
You all saw that coming, right? I mean from like the very beginning, right? RIGHT?
Little Johnny is wandering up and down the aisles of a supermarket crying his eyes out.
“What’s the matter fella?” asked a stock boy.
“I’ve lost my mommy!” wailed Little Johnny.
“Don’t worry, we’ll soon find her,” soothed the stock boy.
“Now tell me, what’s mommy like?”
“Bourbon and men with big, hard cocks,” sobbed Little Johnny.
A Pocket Full of Puns
- Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
- Just so everyone is clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
- A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
- I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
- How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
- My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
- I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
- Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
- When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
- Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.
- Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
- I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
- I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
- What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, they’re, their.
- I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
We really picked a bad generation to start World War III… they can’t even fight anxiety from being called by a wrong pronoun.
This next one is a really old and REALLY FUNNY joke. I love this one.
A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (wtf !!!)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I’m still not over the pig.)
That pig though!
REST IN PEACE
we all know
you didn’t do it
Joe from NJ says this is an oldie … I’ve never heard it before, so I guess I’m not that old.
Little Johnny walked into a police station one day and said, “I’ve got three big brothers and we all live in the same room. My eldest brother has seven cats. Another one has three dogs and the third has a goat. I want you to do something about the smell.”
“Are the any windows in your room?” asked the officer.
“Yes, of course there are!” said the boy.
“Have you tried opening them?”
“I can’t…all my pigeons would escape.”
And that’s it, and I’m late and I have to run. May your weekend be filled with Love and Happiness.