Welcome to June! One of the nicer months of the year around here … supposedly. We’ll see how it plays out. The way things are going lately, I’m not planning on anything working out.
I really don’t have much for the opener for today, so what do you say we just jump right in, shall we?
I did notice that today is my “service computation date”. The date where they add up all my “government service and figure out how much time that is and what date it would date back to. It’s not an exact science. Basically, I now have 35 years of service to the United States Air Force under my belt. That’s counting the two years as a civilian cop that they don’t count because it was a “Temp job”. Yeah…don’t ask.
Anyway, let’s get this party started, shall we?
Honestly, I did, too.
H O L Y C O W !!!
You can get more with a kind word and a gun
than you can with a kind word alone.
– Al Capone (1899-1947)
You know, there were very few things that upset my ex-wife.
It makes me feel rather special to have been one of them.
A minister was giving the children’s message during church.
For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them.
On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation.
He started out by saying, “I’m going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is.”
The children nodded eagerly.
“This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)…”
No hands went up.
“And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)…”
The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised.
“And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it’s excited (pause)…”
Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The minister breathed a sigh of relief and called on him.
“Well,” said the boy, “I know the answer you’re looking for is supposed to be ‘Jesus’ … but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me.”
A college student has been thrown out of his apartment for not paying his rent, so he sends an e-mail to his father.
“Please send money. I’m in the street.”
The father replies, “Have no money. Watch out for cars.”
Judi stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, “I have a complaint!”
“Yes, ma’am?”
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
“What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!”
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahh. So you must be the person who took our phone book.”
R2-D2 was in that picture?
Completely unsurprising.
A wasp landed on my bare foot and now I
know how to Riverdance.
How rare is it for a cow to be struck by
lightning?
Medium rare.
The uncomfortable feeling I get when everyone watches me unwrap a gift makes me totally understand why the dog takes his treats into the other room.
I smashed a sheet of glass and I can’t find the
last part.
It’s a bit of a pane.
I basically have 3 hairstyles:
Straight, wavy, and homeless.
And that’s it my friends. Welcome to June. I hope you had as much fun as I did. Until next time, be well, be happy and …
Had a GREAT day. Still Saturday and the Whelpling and Daughter-in-law came up and helped me with the wayward tree branch and then we went on a really nice bike ride! Went out across the damn and everything! Set a new speed record on the bike. 73 mph. Then I got a message on the scanner page I pay attention to of the cops chasing a bike on the highway doing 142 mph! No thank you very much! I prefer to stay earthbound. I have fairly decent reaction times … for a 67 year old dragon, but that ain’t sayin’ much!! Especially at 142 mph!!
I also want to take a quick opportunity to thank Joseph H for his very kind donation! Thank you, brother. It was deeply appreciated! You are too kind. I am blessed by your kindness.
I want to see the next picture. The one where they hit the water with those life vests being worn like diapers instead of vests. I can see them bobbing in the water once, maybe twice and then rolling right over.
I agree! 100%! I don’t go through self-checkout. Ever. It annoys Izzy to no end. I tell her, I don’t work here. I also don’t stop on my way out of the store to have my purchases checked, because on my way out of the store, they are my belongings and no longer belong to the store. But, that’s just me. I don’t like being pushed around.
I do remember that! I enjoyed the TV Guide.
Yup. It’s the truth! And if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times…
It’s funny…Aussie Pete sent me this one and I had read this same one myself and considered copying it and sending it in. It’s a letter to Quora, which I only read and don’t comment on. And I only read for the laughs…like this one:
The question: “In a study, the average IQ of gun owners was scientifically proven to be 20-30 points lower than non-gun owners. The average IQ is 100. Why is this?”
That study was limited in scope and so is flawed. The participants in the study were all attendees of the California State Democratic Convention.
A similar study had been tried at the 2024 National Convention, but everyone approached to participate either instantly sat on the floor and started shrieking incoherently or curled up into a fetal position weeping uncontrollably when it was explained to them that “firearms” means “gunz.” That study was abandoned.
There was a proposal by one of the Bloomberg funded groups to conduct studies in the Chicago neighborhoods of Englewood and West Garfield Park, but none of the WWLWs (Woke White Leftist Women) were willing to conduct the interviews
Yeah…I laughed, too.
No kidding! My dogs are pros at this!
No! NO! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!!
When I was younger I had a job as a shop
window mannequin.
I held that position for a long time.
I LOVED that show. Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-In.
No kidding. It is truly an amazing thing to think about.
I’ve reached the age when my obituary will
NOT contain the word “untimely”.
I couldn’t understand why my computer
kept singing …
Then I realized it was a Dell.
How am I supposed to believe that humans are the dominant species when a spider is over there building a house with their butthole?
They say breathing is the most important part
of exercising …
Which is good ’cause it’s really the only part I
do.
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere
itself.
I paid a clown to deliver flowers to my wife…
I thought it would be a romantic jester.
And that’s it for this one my friends. I hope you had as much fun as I did. Until we meet again, I send you my Love and my happiness …
Today is Saturday and I’m in the middle of a long weekend. I’m trying my best to relax, waiting on the Whelpling to come by so we can take care of a tree branch in the backyard that is hanging over the fence into the neighbor’s yard. It split from the wind and is hanging on, so we need to either pull it down or cut it down or something.
Then, if the weather clears up, we’re going for a ride.
But, in the mean time, …
NIGHT CLASSES FOR MEN – SIGN-UP NOW Classes for Men at our Local Learning Center for Adults Note:
Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants each.
TOPIC 1 – How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays. Step by step, with slide presentations.
TOPIC 2 – The Toilet Paper Roll: Do They Grow on the Holders? Round table discussion.
TOPIC 3 – Is it Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat Up and Avoiding the Floors/Walls and Nearby Bathtub? Group practice.
TOPIC 4 – Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.
TOPIC 5 – The After-Dinner Dishes and Silverware: Can They Levitate and Fly into the Kitchen Sink? Examples on video.
TOPIC 6 – Loss of Identity: Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other. Helpline support and support groups.
TOPIC 7 – Learning How to Find Things, Starting With Looking in the Right Place Instead of Turning the House Upside Down While Screaming. Open forum.
TOPIC 8 – Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers is NOT Harmful to Your Health. Graphics and audio tape.
TOPIC 9 – Real Men Ask for Directions When Lost. Real life testimonials.
TOPIC 10 – Is It Genetically Impossible to Sit Quietly as She Parallel Parks? Driving simulation.
TOPIC 11 – Learning to Live: Base Differences Between Mother and Wife. On-line class and role playing.
TOPIC 12 – How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation exercises,meditation, and breathing techniques.
TOPIC 13 – How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries, Other Important Dates, and Calling When You’re Going to Be Late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered. *
* Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued – to the few survivors.
Nurse came in and said Doc, there’s a man in the waiting room who thinks he’s invisible.
What should I tell him?
The doctor said: Tell him I can’t see him today.
This one is from Joe…
Note from a friend with a rather large wife:
____________________
The socialization of men separates them from the more grounded emotions of women.
Most of the arguments in married life are the fault of men, and for one reason only; men have never learned how to compliment women.
I’ll give you an example from my marriage to Karen.
I don’t want to say Karen is fat….because so many other people do. Her measurements are 54-46-44….and her other breast is slightly smaller.
We once went to the Opera, and no one would leave until she sang a song.
Getting back to this compliment thing, one day I pulled into the driveway after work, and Karen came running out of the house, bouncing all over.
She asked “How do you like me in the no-bra look?”
Without thinking, and sure I was giving her a compliment, I said “Well, it sure smoothes out those wrinkles on your forehead.”
The next thing I remember is the Doctor placing paddles on my chest and yelling “Clear!”
At the coffee shop:
Is your husband easy to please?
I don’t know…I’ve never tried!
Youngman:
I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport
This one has some pretty good clips in it…
And that’s it my friends. Another one in the box. I hope you had as much fun as I did. But, I’d like to get a jump on the next one, so I’m going to say …
Well, I saw the black italicized script today and it looked pretty good. I haven’t seen the new and improved blue yet to make my final decision, so we’ll see.
Today is Monday and I got through the long weekend. We had a typhoon hit today and supposed to have another one hit tomorrow. My buddy Wheats informed me that I am in the wrong hemisphere and too far inland to get hit by a typhoon. Then I sent him a short video.
I’m not saying he changed his mind, but I didn’t hear any more about it.
Anyway, between bouncing around and doing things, it’s taken me an hour to write this opening, so you can see how my Monday is going, LOL! So, let’s get the fun stuff going, shall we?
Okay, so that’s the PERFECT one to start with for today!
If coffee was bad for you, I’d of been dead YEARS ago!
No, no, no! Don’t get me wrong, this is wonderful, but let’s start at verse 6. This is Paul writing to the Church at Philippi. So, starting at verse 6, NKJV,
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Now comes verse 8:
Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is anything praiseworthy – mediate on these things.
Taken as a whole, it is a wonderful recipe for living your life for Christ. Be anxious for nothing! Give it all over to God. We talk about this almost every Wednesday at the jail. Being anxious accomplishes nothing. God has taken such good care of me since I’ve given it all over to Him. Has bad stuff happened to me? Sure it has! But, He has seen me through, every single time. One way or the other. Not always the way I’d like, but it has always worked out. I could go through each and every one of those steps, but I’m not going to, you can figure them all out for yourselves.
NASA has confirmed that a little asteroid named 2025 PN7 has been orbiting in sync with Earth. Discovered by the University of Hawaii, the asteroid is categorized as a “quasi-moon.” The quasi moon is a rare kind of space object, and keeps in almost perfect sync with Earth’s orbit.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes.
Priest: Wow! I gotta hear this.
Me: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share.
Priest: You forgot pride.
Me: No, I’m pretty proud of this.
11 years ago Mary and I planted this little bitty rose bush behind our pergola. We never trimmed it back or did ANYTHING with it at all. We wanted to see what it would do on it’s own. We laughed at it every year. I still laugh at it every year as it has just gone NUTS!
And yes, I used to load those on aircraft and no, that is NOT my handiwork.
Yeah, that would be me…
I know exactly what they are. They are containers that hold less than an ounce for those areas where that used to matter.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me, “I could marry you”.
I couldn’t believe it…
You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Anyone still shut off lights when leaving a room because their parents used to say “don’t waste electricity?”
So, I just got my head pulled together and looked ahead and realized that THIS issue is publishing on Memorial Day. I was going to start over and realized I can’t start over because I would lose everything that I’ve already put in, so I’m going to start from here and sayLet’s celebrate
Mostly exempt? Mostly?
You know, I have so much to say about Memorial Day. A day to honor our fallen. It’s not just about our military. You know the police celebrate Memorial Day for their fallen. The Fire Department for theirs. EMS… All of those who run towards the gun fire and the flames and the wounded and not away, celebrate … and maybe celebrate is not the right word … remember Memorial Day. And unless you’ve been touched by either serving or having lost a loved one, I’m not sure it has the same significance. It’s a special day to me. I’ve served in the Military, I’ve been a 911 dispatcher, police officer, and am now a civilian emergency manager working for the Air Force. Do you know that about 2% of Americans ever serve in the military. That means that 2 are protecting the other 98. That number is dropping. The next time you see a Vet, a Cop, a Fire Fighter, an EMT, take a moment to tell them “Thank you for your service!” And mean it. Some of the hardest and crappiest paying jobs out there. And most of us do it with a smile on our face every single day. Except there are some days that some of us don’t get to come home to our families. And THAT’s what today is about. Remembering THOSE men and women.
Two old men, Saul and Morty, meet on a cruise and discover they have everything in common. They’re both widowers, they both live in New York, and they’re both culture vultures with a passion for the arts. They spend the whole cruise talking about theater, opera, ballet, music, and art museums.
They promise to meet up again after the ship docks.
A week later, Saul calls Morty. “Morty, I got two tickets to the New York Philharmonic on Friday. An evening of Bach and Beethoven. Want to come with me?”
“Wow! Bach! Beethoven! I could think of nothing more sublime. But unfortunately, I can’t come on Friday night. Shapiro is playing.”
“Oh,” says Saul, disappointed.
The following week, Saul calls Morty again. “Morty, I got us two tickets to La Boheme starring Andrea Bocelli for Saturday night!”
“Incredible! Bocelli and La Boheme – my two favorites! But sadly, I cannot make it Saturday night. Shapiro is playing!”
Saul decides to give him one more chance the following week. “Morty, you’re not going to believe this, but the Louvre has sent the Mona Lisa itself to the Met for a one-night-only exhibition Wednesday night. Tickets? Forget it. Not even the mayor can get in. But I managed to snag one for each of us.”
“The Mona Lisa?! It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! Oh my friend, I want to be there so badly, but unfortunately—
“Let me guess. Shapiro is playing?”
“He is!”
“Morty, I’m insulted! I’ve never heard of this guy. Who the hell is this Shapiro? What does he play??”
“My friend, I don’t know what Shapiro plays. I don’t know where he plays it. All I know is, when Shapiro is playing, I’m spending the night with his wife!”
Taps always makes me cry. But with this full rendition of Taps, which I had never heard before, I cried like a baby.
Yup, it’s gonna be the bear.
More traditional…
A little girl was sitting at the kitchen table doing homework while her dad read the newspaper nearby. After a few minutes, she looked up thoughtfully and asked, “Daddy, why don’t I have a little sister?”
Her father smirked, deciding to tease her a bit.
“Oh, but you do have a little sister,” he said.
The little girl’s eyes widened. “I do?!”
“Sure,” he replied with a grin. “Every time you walk in the front door, she walks out the back door.”
The little girl sat there quietly for a second, trying to figure it out. Then her face lit up with understanding.
“Ohhh, I get it!” she said cheerfully. “You mean she’s just like my other daddy.”
That’s all. So many words left unsaid. But, maybe that’s as it should be. I’m curious to see what our pastor will do with Memorial Day this year. Be well my friends. Wish a service member a thankful day today. Until next time.
So, now it’s Sunday and it’s been a long weekend. And sadly, I get to go right back to it tomorrow. But, while I can, I get to spend time with my favorite people for a couple of hours while I rest up and recharge for more … well … I’m not really sure what to call it, but from the week I’ve had, “fun” ain’t the right word.
So, what do you say we try to get some laughter in before we have to start thinking about the work day tomorrow?
Not only that, but he’s lying about the whole dragon slaying thing. Knights don’t slay dragons, they get eaten by them. Proven fact.
ALWAYS good advice.
Looks like I need more chickens … and maybe a little more sleep.
Yeah, but it’s the 39 wives part…
Sadly, I’m not sure that is as much of a deterrent as they hope it is.
Comparing Trump to Nehemiah is one heck of a stretch my friend! Not really the same thing thing.
What if I said I want it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Wrong … just … wrong.
I remember when I was about 9 or 10 or so I had a stingray bike. You know the ones with the butterfly handlebars and the banana seats? Yeah, that one. They had just repaved our road and it was nice and smooth, but the pavement was that “just paved softness” and I was racing down the street really fast and popped a wheelie and while the front was up in the air the front wheel came off. And, well, I wasn’t good enough to keep it up in the and when those front forks came down at speed and dug into that soft pavement, old Impish became a catapult. Like the picture says, we didn’t wear any helmets back then. I’ll bet I lay in the street for 30 minutes before Mrs. McGinley came running out and got me standing. I think some of the other kids got my bike back together again and I sort of remember riding the half block back home. You know, thinking about it now, that crash, at a young age, may explain a few things.
I was just on the Weight Watchers website
and it asked me if I accept cookies. This is
either a trick question or some sort of set
up.
Okay, I have to share this headline that I just read and then just a few of the details… first, the headline:
Masked man set fire at Walmart using camping fuel and fireworks in children’s clothing section to distract from massive jewelry heist, authorities say.
First of all, where could this possibly happen?
Okay, you were close, Maryland, but the dude was from New Jersey so you were partially right. My bigger question is, so when did Walmart get expensive enough jewelry to make it worthwhile to go through this much trouble? Anyway, just thought I’d share.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out, “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here.” I headed over with several others. She handed out ice creams to them all then asked me, “Who are you?” It was then I realized all the rest were her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Tomorrow is National Skip Work and Do Absolutely Nothing Day. It’s not official, I made it up, and I’m fully committed. Spread the word.
THIS man, is my SPIRIT animal!!
It is so true. He is so tolerant of us sinners. We don’t deserve Him, truly we don’t.
My wife and I had a big fight. Afterwards she came crawling to me on her hands and knees…
Saying, “You come out from under that bed and fight like a man!”
Apparently you have to eat healthy more than
once to get in shape.
This is cruel and unfair.
Yeah … but … um … crap!
I always knew I’d get old. How fast it
happened was a bit of a surprise, though.
That’s just wrong!
I have a condition that prevents me from
going on a diet…
I get hungry.
I am starting to think I will never be old
enough to know better.
Me neither.
I think senility is going to be a fairly
smooth transition for me.
Nope! Not going that way!
And that’s it for this one my friends. Now, I need to get the rest of the stuff done that I need to get done. Which means… good night for now, dear friends, until next time. Love and happiness to you all.
Dragon Laffs 