It is Monday morning…it’s not really, but work with me here…it’s Monday morning and another weekend has come and gone. I hope everyone has had as good a weekend as…
Okay, I can’t do this. I’m writing this on Friday afternoon, trying to get ahead of the game so that I don’t fall behind again before even Saturday’s issue even publishes. I know that I have a tough week coming up and I have a lot of studying to do this weekend. We have our Men’s group on Monday night, where I have to get the first part of my plan ready and on Wednesday night we FINALLY start our Jail Ministry. Thursday is our Anger Group that I co-facilitate. That’s not to mention my normal Sunday Church and every other Wednesday lunch time on base Grief Group and the other every other Wednesday lunch time bible study.
Come to think of it, it’s not a busy week, it’s a normal week…sheesh!
And from here, let’s move on to the fun stuff, and we’ll talk more later…
I did find this old picture of Lethal Leprechaun, my brother from another mother. May God continue to Bless you my brother. I know you’re causing trouble in Heaven. I surely miss you but know that you are full of joy and in no pain. Love you, my friend.
What does a coffin and a condom have in common?
They’re both filled with stiffs, only one’s coming and one’s going!
I really, really don’t want to know.
A man had just been married and came to work in a hurry the next day.
He went up to a friend and said, “You must help me. My wife and I are both virgins and we don’t know what to do!”
The friend replied, “Where are you going for your honeymoon?”
Man says, “To Disneyworld.”
Friend, “OK, I’ll come along with you and the first night I’ll hide in the closet. if you have a problem….I’ll be there.”
Man, “Thank you!”
They did exactly that. The man left his wife and went to the bathroom.
He stubbed his toe as he reentered the bed and uttered an , “Oh…shit!”
His friend in the closet whispered, “Flip her over! Flip her over!”
A man is very ashamed of his pecker because of the size. He has an extremely small pecker and doesn’t want his girlfriend to dump him when she sees the size.
One night when he and his girlfriend are making out in a dark corner he decides he will show her.
The man unzips his pants, whips out his small pecker, and shoves it into her hand.
He sits there impatiently waiting to see her reaction.
His girlfriend says, “Thanks, but I don’t smoke.”
How it all began…
THAT would be worth having!!
Ain’t that the truth! If it’s NOT the truth for you, then you ain’t doin’ it right!
Accidentally took some of my cat’s medicine.
Don’t ask meow.
I will say, as a dragon, that I ALWAYS urinate with precision and ESPECIALLY with elegance!
Ten Things That Will Disappear
1. The Post Office
Get ready to imagine a world without the post office. They are so deeply in financial trouble that there is probably no way to sustain it long term. Email, FedEx, and UPS have just about wiped out the minimum revenue needed to keep the post office alive. Most of your mail every day is junk mail and bills.
2. The Check
Britain has already done away with checks as of 2018. It costs the financial system billions of dollars a year to process checks. Plastic cards and online transactions will lead to the eventual demise of the check. This plays right into the death of the post office. If you never paid your bills by mail and never received them by mail, the post office would absolutely go out of business.
3. The Newspaper
The younger generation simply doesn’t read the newspaper. They certainly don’t subscribe to a daily delivered print edition. That may go the way of the milkman and the laundry man. As for reading the paper online, get ready to pay for it. The rise in mobile Internet devices and e-readers has caused all the newspaper and magazine publishers to form an alliance. They have met with Apple, Amazon, and the major cell phone companies to develop a model for paid subscription services.
4. The Book
You say you will never give up the physical book that you hold in your hand and turn the literal pages. I said the same thing about downloading music from iTunes. I wanted my hard copy CD. But I quickly changed my mind when I discovered that I could get albums for half the price without ever leaving home to get the latest music. The same thing will happen with books. You can browse a bookstore online and even read a preview chapter before you buy. And the price is less than half that of a real book. And think of the convenience! Once you start flicking your fingers on the screen instead of the book, you find that you are lost in the story, can’t wait to see what happens next, and you forget that you’re holding a gadget instead of a book.
5. The Land Line Telephone
Unless you have a large family and make a lot of local calls, you don’t need it anymore. Most people keep it simply because they’ve always had it. But you are paying double charges for that extra service. All the cell phone companies will let you call customers using the same cell provider for no charge against your minutes.
6. Music
This is one of the saddest parts of the change story. The music industry is dying a slow death. Not just because of illegal downloading. It’s the lack of innovative new music being given a chance to get to the people who would like to hear it. Greed and corruption is the problem. The record labels and the radio conglomerates are simply self-destructing. Over 40% of the music purchased today is “catalogue items,” meaning traditional music that the public is familiar with. Older established artists. This is also true on the live concert circuit. To explore this fascinating and disturbing topic further, check out the book, “Appetite for Self-Destruction” by Steve Knopper, and the video documentary, “Before the Music Dies.”
7. Television Revenues
To the networks are down dramatically. Not just because of the economy. People are watching TV and movies streamed from their computers. And they’re playing games and doing lots of other things that take up the time that used to be spent watching TV. Prime time shows have degenerated down to lower than the lowest common denominator. Cable rates are skyrocketing and commercials run about every 4 minutes and 30 seconds. I say good riddance to most of it. It’s time for the cable companies to be put out of our misery. Let the people choose what they want to watch online and through Netflix.
8. The “Things” That You Own
Many of the very possessions that we used to own are still in our lives, but we may not actually own them in the future. They may simply reside in “the cloud.” Today your computer has a hard drive and you store your pictures, music, movies, and documents. Your software is on a CD or DVD, and you can always re-install it if need be. But all of that is changing. Apple, Microsoft, and Google are all finishing up their latest “cloud services.” That means that when you turn on a computer, the Internet will be built into the operating system. So, Windows, Google, and the Mac OS will be tied straight into the Internet. If you click an icon, it will open something in the Internet cloud. If you save something, it will be saved to the cloud. And you may pay a monthly subscription fee to the cloud provider. In this virtual world, you can access your music or your books, or your whatever from any laptop or handheld device. That’s the good news. But, will you actually own any of this “stuff” or will it all be able to disappear at any moment in a big “Poof?” Will most of the things in our lives be disposable and whimsical? It makes you want to run to the closet and pull out that photo album, grab a book from the shelf, or open up a CD case and pull out the insert.
9 Joined Handwriting (Cursive Writing)
Already gone in some schools who no longer teach “joined handwriting” because nearly everything is done now on computers or keyboards of some type (pun not intended).
10. Privacy
If there ever was a concept that we can look back on nostalgically, it would be privacy. That’s gone. It’s been gone for a long time anyway.. There are cameras on the street, in most of the buildings, and even built into your computer and cell phone. But you can be sure that 24/7, “They” know who you are and where you are, right down to the GPS coordinates, and the Google Street View. If you buy something, your habit is put into a zillion profiles, and your ads will change to reflect those habits.. “They” will try to get you to buy something else. Again and again and again.
All we will have left that which can’t be changed……are our “Memories”.
Logic is dead.
Excellence is punished.
Mediocrity is rewarded.
And dependency is to be revered.
This is present day America.
When people rob banks they go to prison.
When they rob the taxpayer they get re-elected!
MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She’s afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She’ll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She’ll win you in rags, enchant you in silk,
She’ll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
At times she’ll be vengeful, merry, and sad,
She’ll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
MOODS OF A MAN
Hungry
Horny
This is really true, he did that. If this is what he did in death, just imagine the romance he must have given her in life…..
Wow!
Just…
Wow!
“ET? Is that you?”
The New Zen
1. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
2. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbour’s milk, that’s the time to do it.
3. Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you fart.
6. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
9. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
10. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
12. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
13. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
14. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.
15. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
16. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
18. A closed mouth gathers no food.
19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
20. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
21. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
22. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
23. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
24. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our arse & then things get worse .
Do you know what it is?
A man on a construction site thirty floors up had to go to the bathroom.
He approached his foreman and told him that he was going down to use the restroom.
The foreman told him he was crazy; by the time he got down and back up, he’d lose a half hour.
The foreman pushed a plank out over the edge of the building.
He stood on one end and told the guy to go out on the other end and pee.
He said, “Damn, Chuck, we’re thirty floors up! Piss’ll turn to vapor before it hits the ground!”
What could he do? It was his foreman, after all.
So the guy gingerly heads out on the plank.
Suddenly the foreman’s cell phone rang. Not even thinking, he jumped off the board to get it, sending the peeing man to his death!
At the inquest, an electrician who was working on the twenty-seventh floor was asked what he’d witnessed regarding the accident.
“I’m not really sure. I think it had something to do with sex.”
The coroner said, “Sex? Why do you think that?
The electrician replied, “I saw the man falling with his dick in his hand, screaming, “Where’d that cocksucker go?”
Having just had it done, I understand it completely!!!
The World’s Most Awful Quiz
There are only nine questions.
This is a quiz for people who know everything!
I found out in a hurry that I didn’t.
These are not trick questions.
They are straight questions with straight answers.
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year.
What are the only two perennial vegetables?
4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn’t been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ‘dw’ and they are all common words. Name two of them.
7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?
8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter ‘S.’
Answers To Quiz:
1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends: Boxing.
2. North American landmark constantly moving backward:
Niagara Falls . The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.
3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons: Asparagus and rhubarb.
4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside: Strawberry.
5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are stems.
6. Three English words beginning with dw: Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.
7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar: Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce.
9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with ‘S’: Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts
PLEASE DO YOUR PART: Today is National Mental Health Day. You can do your part by remembering to send this e-mail to at least one mentally-challenged person.
Well, my job’s done!
Just don’t send it back to me.
I’ve already flunked it once!
Not sure if I flunked this one or not. I got six out of nine right. I actually feel pretty good about that!
Okay, so last night I FINALLY got to see Jesus Revolution at the theater. Before I talk about the movie, let me tell you why this was so darn hard for me. Going to the movies was always very special to Mary and I. See, on our honeymoon, that’s pretty much all we could afford to do. Well, that and spend the day at the Indianapolis Zoo. So, every year on our anniversary, we’d go to the movies in celebration. On our first anniversary we saw one movie, on our second anniversary we saw two movies…on our third we saw three and realized we couldn’t keep this up, so we went back to just one movie on our fourth and keep that up for the twenty-six years we were married. But, that was also one of our favorite things to do. We never took a real vacation, except the one time my dad paid for us to go to Disney World, but we didn’t really care. We were simple people. A night out to see a movie was a big deal for us.
So now, going by myself, was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. And it literally took me weeks to work up the nerve to do so. I was worried that my local theater was going to get rid of the movie so I basically FORCED myself to go last night. I’ve never gone to the movie by myself before.
But, I’m so glad that I did. What a GREAT movie. Highly recommended. I laughed, I cried. It’s a good thing that no one sat near me in the theater, watching this old man wiping tears from his eyes. But, I stopped caring about stuff like that a long time ago. I can’t believe there’s anyone out there who hasn’t heard of the movie, but for those of you who haven’t, here’s the trailer:
The guy who plays Lonnie Frisbee is the same guy who plays Jesus on the Chosen. Another GREAT series. Another highly recommended one. That one you can watch by downloading the free app. Right now they are finished with season 3, so 24 episodes. Any of you who haven’t seen that one I truly and seriously am so deeply jealous of you!!!
Why?
Because you haven’t seen it yet and get to watch it for the first time! You lucky, lucky people you!
And then … AND THEN … I wake up this morning to THIS:
Yes, those are Willow (in the foreground) and Pepper (in the background) and my raggedy old garage and deck and fence that’s falling apart and…well, you get it. And about an inch and a half of snow that was unexpected. It’s MARCH for crying-out-loud!
And this is the other thing that we woke up to the other morning. Willow still sleeps in a kennel at night and when we are not home. The couple of times we’ve left her out she has been fine and she’s stopped eating her blankets and stuff, so we decided to give her an old pillow to make it a little more comfortable for her. It’s been over a year since she’s chewed anything that wasn’t hers to chew on purpose. But for some reason, this is what we woke up to:
That used to be a pillow.
And since we’re throwing unusual stuff in-between the memes in this section, here’s one from Leah D. that EXACTLY explains what an awful lot of us have wanted to say to many people many times.
I empathize quite strongly with Allen.
Why didn’t you tell us the MRNA VACCINES caused MYOCARDITIS?
I Did. But you just sent me back a picture of a guy in a TINFOIL HAT.
THE WORLD
The world is increasingly designed to depress us. Happiness isn’t very good for the economy. If we were happy with what we had, why would we need more? How do you sell an anti-ageing moisturizer? You make someone worry about ageing. How do you get people to vote for a political party? You make them worry about immigration. How do you get them to buy insurance? By making them worry about everything. How do you get them to have plastic surgery? By highlighting their physical flaws. How do you get them to watch a TV show? By making them worry about missing out. How do you get them to buy a new smartphone? By making them feel like they are being left behind.
To be calm becomes a kind of revolutionary act. To be happy with your own non-upgraded existence. To be comfortable with our messy, human selves, would not be good for business.
~ Matt Haig
Aging…
- Age is something that doesn’t matter unless you are a cheese.
- Luis Buñuel, Spanish filmmaker
- Getting old is like climbing a mountain; you get a little out of breath, but the view is much better.
- Ingrid Bergman
- The idea is to die young as late as possible.
- Ashley Montagu, British-American anthropologist
- The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
- Lucille Ball
- No one is as old as those who have outlived enthusiasm.
- Henry David Thoreau
- You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.
- Joan Rivers
- It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.
- Andy Rooney
- My mother always used to say, “The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.”
- Betty White
- I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
- Phyllis Diller
- Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.
- Truman Capote
- My face carries all my memories. Why would I erase them?
- Diane Von Furstenberg
- I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
- I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to.
- Albert Einstein
- Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
- Groucho Marx
A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she’s low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she’s pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself.
She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring.
Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying, “A little more to the left…a little more to the right!…”
Morris was having a good time in Tel Aviv and was invited to a party. Unfortunately, during the evening, he lost his wallet.
So Morris, not being of the shy kind, stood on a chair and shouted, “Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I’ve just lost my wallet with over $1,500 in cash in it. To the person that finds my wallet, I will give $150.”
A voice from the back of the hall shouted, “I will give $175!”
And that my dear friends is that for today. But before we go, let’s throw this in…
Since St. Patrick’s Day was just the other day and since this stuff has a short shelf-life, let’s do this real fast and then we’ll call it a day.
“Irish Shopping”
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each
time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was
filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started
to leave. “S’cuse me”, said a customer, who was puzzled over what
McQuillan had done, “what was that all about?” “Nothin’, said the
Irishman, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!”
*******************************************************
“I’ve Lost Me Luggage”
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal
with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if
he was already homesick. “No,” replied the Irishman “I’ve lost all me
luggage!” “How’d that happen?” “The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.
*****************************************************
“Water to Wine”
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the
priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the
car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?” “Just water,” says the
priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?” The priest looks at the
bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
***********************************************
“The Brothel”
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the
brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the
brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the
cloth goin’ bad.” Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the
other Irishman said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are
fallin’ victim to temptation as well.” Then they see a catholic priest
enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, “What a terrible
pity…one of the girls must be dying.
*************************************
Irish Cemetery
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the
pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the
old graveyard.. “Come have a look over here,” says Paddy, “It’s
Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old
age of 87.” “That’s nothing,” says Sean, “here’s one named Patrick
O’Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died.”! Just then,
Seamus yells out, “Good God, here’s a fella that got to be 145!”
“What was his name?” asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit,
awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone
marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.”
***************************************************
Irish Predicament
Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a
Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just
sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The
drunk mumbles, “ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper on this side
neither.”
***************************************************
Irish Last Request
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady’s after his Sunday morning
service, and she’s in tears. He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary
my dear?” She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband
passed away last night.” The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible.
Tell me, did he have any last requests?” She says, “That he did,
Father…” The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?” She says, “He
said, ‘Please Mary, put down that gun!’
And now we’re done. So until next time…
Dragon Laffs 
Hank
15 hours ago