Dragon Laffs #1785

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Good Morning Campers,

I’m going to warn you now that this is probably going to be a short issue if I’m going to put this out for Monday.  I’ve been teaching class all weekend, haven’t had a spare minute to myself and now it’s Sunday evening and I’m just now getting to the point where I’m getting this started, so I’m going to get as much of an issue done as I can so you guys have something to chuckle about on Monday and then … well … I guess we’ll see.

Tuesday, the new fridge is supposed to be here, I hope and pray that that goes well.  I really, really need for something to go well.  So… here’s all your instructions:  All of you … good wishes, prayers, anything that you can send my way on Tuesday will be deeply appreciated.  I know that they are just dropping off and picking up a silly fridge and what could POSSIBLY go wrong, but we’re talking about Impish Dragon here and my luck over the last month.  What could possibly go wrong?  The world has taken that as a challenge lately!

So, enough about that and let’s get on with the laughter, shall we?

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If rioters come to your area, please remember, don’t be a litterbug.  Pick up your brass.

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Sounds like me!

All men like to think they are marrying nymphomaniacs.  The problem is, after a few years, the nympho leaves and the maniac stays.

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A foolish man complains of his torn pocket while a wise man uses it to scratch his balls.

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It’s called Karma and it’s pronounced “Haha, fuck you!”

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I saw a guy on his motorcycle and the back of his shirt said, “If you can read this the wife fell off.”

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I couldn’t believe it today, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year old son wasn’t actually mine … she says I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school.

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A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

He asks the barman, “Why are those two pieces of meat hanging fromt eh ceiling?”

The barman replies, “It’s a competition which we run every night.  If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night.”

“Great!” says the man, “But what if I can’t reach them?”

“Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night,” the barman answers.  “Do you want to try?”

“No, but thanks anyway.”

“Why not?” asks the barman.

“The steaks are too high.”

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If your boyfriend is cheating on you, don’t worry yourself my sister.  Just go through his phone and find the number of the girl, call her and pretend to be his sister and thank her for helping my brother understand that having HIV is not the end of the world.  Then sit back, God will do the rest.

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A guy stole my car last nigh and before I tried calling the police I thought:  “Fuck it, let him explain the bodies in the trunk.”

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Ninja Cats

Reason

rebooting

recession

Reciprocity

recognition

Recreational Drugs

Recurring Villains

recycling

Redheads

Redneck TV Tray

Rednecks25 (2)

redundancy

Redundancy2

Redundancy3

reenacting twilight

Reflex

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My uncle picks a fight with me like he doesn’t know how evil I can be.  I’m going to steal his phone and save my two numbers as “Jenny Sweet” and Naomi Big Ass” then repeatedly call him and hang up at 3am.

His wife will do the fighting for me.  Me, I don’t’ fight with my elders.

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This woman in Walmart just told her kids, “You’re campaigning for an ass whopping and you ‘bout to win the election.”

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Some angry guy with road rage just yelled out his window, “I’m gonna make your life a living hell!”

I yelled back, “Thanks but I’m not looking for a relationship right now.”

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A new supermarket opened near my home.  It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.  Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don’t buy toilet paper there any more.

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I saw 4 guys beating up a kid, so I decided to step in and help.  Little fucker didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us.

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And that’s it for today I’m afraid.  Let’s hope it’s better for Thursday my friends.  My love to you all.

Cheers ~ Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1784

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Good Saturday Morning to you my dear Campers!

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While you guys are relaxing and reading this wonderfully marvelous ezine, I am teaching CBRN Defense Training to a bunch of very eager GIs.  Okay … so, truth be told, they are probably only anxious to be out of my class and NOT wearing their MOPP gear!  Okay, so really quick lesson for those of you who might be new here … everyone who’s new raise your hands, the rest of you can go and run and get a fast coffee refill (Aussie Peter, since you’re on the other side of the world, it’s probably something alcoholic for you … well, it may very well be something alcoholic for a lot of you.  No judgment here.  If it wasn’t a working Saturday for me, it may well be something alcoholic for me, too; the way my2b1 damn month has been going). 

Anyway, CBRN is Chemical, Biological, Radiological, and Nuclear Defense Training.  Basically, I’m teaching the military members how to stay alive in crappy environments.  Yeah, I got a pretty cool gig.  One of the many things I do for Uncle Sam.  So, I’m in class all day teaching today and tomorrow … a dragon’s work is never done.

But … I got a new mask in the mail today (Thursday) and I may wear it just like this to teach class.  I’m definitely going to start wearing it in protest because

#1 It is much more comfortable than the old mask and
b.  It looks way cool …. what do you guys think?
This is me …

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Yeah … I’m thinking that’s the PERFECT way to teach class … LOL!

So, sit back, relax, enjoy your morning with Dragon Laffs and have a great weekend and now …

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This is not g0ing to go how you expect …

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Me too.

So, okay, let’s just jump right into the contraversy … Lynn sent me this one.  Not sure where it all came from, looks like from a couple different people, but I agree with it, so here it is

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On Sunday, July 26, 2020, 1:08:44 PM CDT, Harry wrote:
My memory may be a bit shaky, but the following  are germane:

The NFL went on strike in 1974.  I, along with many other fans, were not pleased, but generally we accepted it and returned to watching games.

By 1982, I was a three games per Sunday fan; the NFL went on strike.  I was torqued and went sailing.  I met some great people, participated in some fantastic races, and spent my Sundays outdoors.  I had a great time and did not miss the NFL.

In 1987, after I had slowly returned to watching some NFL games, they went on strike again.  I continued to sail.  That was great!

In 2011, after watching an infrequent NFL game, a “lockout” occurred.  I quit watching NFL games.

By 2016, I was starting to think about watching an NFL game, when a lackluster quarterback decided to “take a knee” and express his political opinions during the playing of the National Anthem.  The NFL did nothing.  I reaffirmed my decision to not watch the NFL.

Today, after reviewing the NFL’s track record, I have concluded that the high-gurus of the NFL and many of their “players” (1) would rather make political statements than play quality football, (2) are vastly overpaid, spoiled, uncaring adolescents, (3) don’t give a “tinker’s damn” about their nation or the fans that play their salaries through attendance at games or purchasing the products of their sponsors, and (4) aren’t worth my time to watch them.
Adios, NFL!
Sent: 7/25/2020 10:08:17 PM Eastern Standard Time
Subject: The NFL Truth

The NFL Truth
NFL “Refresher” NFL History…history not often reported or leaked to the ticket holders. I hope this helps you; it opened my eyes, to better understand when and why the public’s respect for the NFL organization started to crumble….
* In 2012 the NFL had an issue with Tim Tebow kneeling before each game to pray, they also had an issue with Tebow wearing John 3:16 as part of his eye-black to avoid glare, and made him take it off.
* In 2013 the NFL fined Brandon Marshall for wearing green cleats to raise awareness for people with mental health disorders.
* In 2014 Robert Griffin III (RG3) entered a post-game press conference wearing a shirt that said “Know Jesus Know Peace” but was forced to turn it inside out by an NFL uniform inspector before speaking at the podium.
* In 2015 DeAngelo Williams was fined for wearing “Find the Cure “eye black for breast cancer awareness.
* In 2015 William Gay was fined for wearing purple cleats to raise awareness for domestic violence. (Not that the NFL has a domestic violence problem..).
*In 2016 the NFL prevented the Dallas Cowboys from wearing a decal on their helmet in honor of 5 Dallas Police officers killed in the line of duty.
* 2016 the NFL threatened to fine players who wanted to wear cleats to commemorate the 15th anniversary of 9/11.
So tell me again how the NFL supports free speech and expression. It seems quite clear based on these facts that the NFL has taken a position against any action by NFL players demonstrating RESPECT for any issue:
For God, social causes such as mental health, cancer, domestic violence, for cops killed arbitrarily, for being cops, or for the Memory of 9/11…

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BUT they will allow demonstrations of DISRESPECT for our National Flag, our National Anthem, for America,  a and for the American People if it will help mollify a particular Group and its supporters. That is who and what the NFL now has shown itself to be.
Pass this post along to all your friends and family, if you believe it worthy of sharing. Honor our military; too many of whom have come home with the American Flag draped over their coffin.

Summary: The NFL has become woke and they have bought into the Black Lives Matter Organization. Simple, if BLMO likes it it is in. If BLMO doesn’t like it, it is out.  Disrespect for flag and country are in. Religion and God are out.

And I agree with the sentiments expressed here as well.  Harry, I don’t know who you are, and I hope you don’t mind me quoting your writings here, thanks to Lynn, I for one, will not be watching the NFL this year.  It’s all bullshit.  And like I’ve said before, you NEVER kneel for the National Anthem.  Kneel before, kneel after, whatever.  But that is sacred. 

And if that bothers you, then you are reading the wrong damn ezine.

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Headline in The Toronto Star 06/14/96

Marijuana Issue Sent To A Joint Committee

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Some more pretty strange headlines:

Bridges Help People Cross Rivers

Cow Urine Makes For Juicy Lemons

There is something insanely intriguing with this one … I want to know more and am grossed out at the same time!

City Unsure Why The Sewer Smells

Study Shows Frequent Sex Enhances Pregnancy Chances

You would think so anyway … would have been fun to take part in the study.

Meeting On Open Meetings Is Closed

Man Accused of Killing Lawyer Receives a New Attorney

Starvation Can Lead to Health Hazards

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Okay, show of hands … how many of you out there got this one?

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What a worthless, disgusting, piece-of-shit person she is!!!

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If everyone of you would share this with as many of your friends as you can and show them what a piece of shit she is, that would be wonderful.  Sure, it’s worth throwing some people under the bus to get what we want.  Completely unlike the “Leave no man behind” “No child left behind” “Fill in the blank Lives Matter”

FUCKING HYPOCRITES!!!!!

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Just when I am getting used to the voices in my head, One of them started stuttering.

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A husband and wife are cooing over their new born baby.

“Look at the size of his cock,” says the man.  “It’s massive!”

“Yes dear,” says the woman.  “But at least he’s got your ears.”

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Do not let them take the temperature on your forehead as you enter the supermarket, because it erases your memory.  I went for macaroni and cheese and came home with two cases of beer.

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Thanks to Stephanie for these … and yes, dear Stephanie, it IS a good thing you love me, too.

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism  Website – a Melbourne University Tourism Studies Major working in the summer holidays answered….I’m tempted to believe that it was our own Aussie Peter who may have answered most of these …

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.


2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water…

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let’s not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What, did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.  See, this one I’m almost positive was answered by Peter.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10.Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.  Peter

11. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, correct?

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don’t stink.

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Australia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we’ll import them.

17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum.(USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.  Is there a single solitary reader out there who doubts in the least that this one was written by our own Peter?

20. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

21. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.

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Oh to be six again … and to have more time … there are so many things that I’d love to be doing with this ezine … comments that I’d love to be exploring more, subjects that I’d like to spend more time on … but there just isn’t time for it all.  It’s like holding down another full time job.  There is so much time-worthy stuff out there to explore and get into with you guys.  Not just the laughter, which I know most of you tune in for, but the other stuff, too.

Sasquatch writes and says:

Sasquatch

Michigan’s governor has you beat. Ms. science and reason just closed the bars again up north but is letting the casinos in Detroit open next week.

We are told to be safe we shouldn’t hand people money, we should put it on the counter for a “contact free” payment. Ummm doesn’t that just add another point of contact? Every day the madness grows.

If there’s one thing we’ve learned about politicians, they don’t have to be smart to be elected.  If that were the case, most of them couldn’t hold the job.  Why don’t they have to pass a test?  Don’t most of the rest of us have to pass SOME sort of test to have or keep the job we have?  Why shouldn’t it be the same for them? 

There ought to be a law … oh yeah … right.

And Donne says:

Yer killin’ me. We went camping last week, and while we were gone, our sump pump died. Will you PLEASE stop having disasters so I can, too? Thanks.

This year can just be over. Sheesh.

Donnie

I agree 100% Donnie!  I’m so ready!

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No!  Just NO!

Motivate

Reading

Real Estate

real life

Real or Fake

Real Reason

Real Soldiers

Realists

reality

Reality2

Reality3

Reality4

Reality5

Reality6

Realization

realization2

Really, I don't mind

Rear naked choke

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Eight Qualities of a Perfect Man

Brave
Intelligent
Gentle

Polite
Energetic
Nutty
Industrious
Sensitive

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See, this is the perfect example of the inadequacies of Word Press.  This is from a video, but since I can no longer show you videos, I have to write it out and transpose it for you word for word, but it is important enough that I am going to take the time to do that.  Leah D. sent it to me and it’s from a YouTube video:

Retired Marine Col. Jeffrey A. Powers Letter To NFL Commissioner,

I’ve been a season pass holder at Yankee Stadium, Yale Bowl and Giants Stadium.

I missed the ‘90-‘91 season because I was with a battalion of Marines in Desert Storm.

14 of my wonderful Marines returned home with the American Flag draped across their lifeless bodies.

My last conversation with one of them, Sgt Garrett Mongrella, was about how our Giants were going to the Super Bowl.

He never got to see it.

Many friends, Marines, and Special Forces Soldiers who worked with or for me through the years returned home with the American Flag draped over their coffins.

Now I watch multi-millionaire athletes who never did anything in their lives but play a game, disrespect what brave Americans fought and died for.

They are essentially spitting in the faces and on the graves of real men, men who have actually done something for this country beside playing with a ball and believing they’re something special!

They’re not!

My Marines and Soldiers were!

You are complicit in this!  You’ll fine players for large and small infractions but you lack the moral courage and respect for our nation and the fallen to put an immediate stop to this.

Yes, I know, it’s their 1st Amendment right to behave in such a despicable manner.

What would happen if they came out and disrespected you or the refs publicly?

I  observed a player getting a personal foul for twerking in the end zone after scoring.

I guess that’s much worse than disrespecting the flag and our National Anthem. Hmmmm, isn’t it his 1st Amendment right to express himself like an idiot in the end zone?

Why is taunting not allowed yet taunting America is OK?

You fine players for wearing 9-11 commemorative shoes yet you allow scum on the sidelines to sit, kneel or pump their pathetic fist in the air.

They are so deprived with their multi-million dollar contracts for playing a freaking game!

You condone it all by your refusal to act.  You’re just as bad and disgusting as they are

I hope Americans boycott any sponsor who supports that rabble you call the NFL.

I hope they turn off the TV when any team that allowed this disrespect to occur, without consequence, on the sidelines.

I applaud those who have not.

Legends and heroes do NOT wear shoulder pads.  They wear body armor and carry rifles.

They make minimum wage and spend months and years away from their families.  They don’t do it for an hour on Sunday.  They do it 24/7 often with lead, not footballs, coming in their direction.

They watch their brothers carted off in pieces not on a gurney to get their knee iced.  They don’t even have ice!  Many don’t have legs or arms.

Some wear blue and risk their lives daily on the streets of America.  They wear fire helmets and go upstairs into the fire rather than down to safety.

On 9-11, hundreds vanished.

They are the heroes.

I hope that your high paid protesting pretty boys and you look in that mirror when you shave tomorrow and see what you really are, legends in your own minds.  You need to hit the road and take those worms with you!

Time to change the channel.

Colonel, I applaud you and salute you and only wish Lethal was here to offer you a hardy Semper Fi!  But I know, he is here in spirit.  And that is why I say, You only STAND for the Anthem.  And the latest thing I heard was that those players who won’t kneel are being chastised.  Can you possibly believe THAT shit.  I am ashamed of you all.

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I hate when people say, “Guess what your Ex is doing.”  Nah Motherfucker, I had to do that while we were together.

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My brother took going to jail really badly.

He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

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I’m still waiting patiently for the wisdom that supposedly comes with old age.
Anyone else?

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I only have one thing to say … where can I get one?

Ex-wife for sale – CHEAP.
Take over payments.

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And if I’m going to be teaching a class tomorrow morning than I’m going to have to get some sleep sometime soon.  So, I have to end this here and for that I’m more sorry than I can say cause there’s so much more that I’d like to get into.

May your weekend have wonderful fun.

Cheers

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Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1783

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Good Morning Campers,

Our illustrious governor has decided that everyone will wear a mask … this has caused me no end of trouble at work.  Why does my life have to be so damn difficult?  The base is not a business, it is not a public space, it is a base…but yet the civilians … well, I really shouldn’t say derogatory things in public.  One of these days it’s going to come back and bite me in the ass.   So … on to bigger and better things!

How’s everyone doing?  Good, I hope. 

Okay, enough of the small talk, let’s laugh.

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At the store there was a big X by the register for me to stand on …

I’ve seen way too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that crap!

 

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I need that book RIGHT The FUCK now or I’m gonna be looking for work, real soon!

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Dammit, Karl!  Unload the hoses and THEN turn on the damn water!!

Everything in your life is a reflection of a choice you have made.  If you want a different result, make a different choice.

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Little known fact:  This was Groot’s stand in.

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If liars pants really did catch on fire, watching the evening news would be a lot more fun.

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And “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”  … just ask them …

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I’m gonna go with a hard pass on this one.

John S. sent this to me … and I would love to think that these are words that we should live by … Thanks John!

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Truly beautiful!

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“As Fuck” is my favorite unit of measurement.

And I really need to tone it down cause it’s gonna end up getting me fired. 

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Thanks to William M for sending the definition … for those of you who might have needed it … or who haven’t been able to figure it out contextually by now.

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As a dragon, there’s not many things I won’t eat … but I’m thinking the Lobster flavored Coke, probably is gonna go with the strawberry Jello Taco and I’m gonna pass on that, also.

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I’m sorry… I didn’t hear you over my internal hope that you would shut the fuck up.

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It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.

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Having your nipples pierced is a good idea until you think about the fact that if you ever die and need to be shocked by a defibrillator, the chances of your nipples frying off are pretty high.  You’re welcome.

Any guesses as to who sent that one in?
Anyone?


Anyone?

That’s right!

Aussie Peter!!!!

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“The Governor said our next election will be an all-mail election,” the wife said.

“But, that would be illegal,” her husband replied.

“Why?”

“Because of the 19th Amendment.”

“What was the 19th Amendment?”

It granted females the right to vote, so actually you can’t have an all-male election ever again.”

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Remember that one girl from High School that said she’d only go out with you if the world was coming to an end?  Well, this may be the year to giver her a call.

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Okay, I missed this last issue, so I’m going to make sure that I get it this issue … thanks to those of you who have contributed this year to paying the bills.  The list is ever increasing and ever evolving and now includes some mail in people as well.  Those of you who wish to help out and keep this ezine free for another year can hit the donate button located near top of the right hand column and donate through PayPal … and you don’t have to have a PayPal account yourself to do so.  They will walk you through it.  It’s really easy and little bit helps.  Those of you who do not want to go that route can email me at impishdragon@gmail.com and I will happily give you my snail mail address and you can send me a little something that way.  I’m not going to push this much further, I already feel like a freeloader as it is, but you guys seem to feel like what we do here is worth it … so …

Here now is our current list of truly marvelous, generous, outstanding, campers (not to say that the rest of you aren’t truly marvelous, generous, outstanding campers also … sigh … see what I mean …)

William E.     Donald G.#1     Donald G.#1     Chuck G.     Ronald W.     Theodore K.     Mark M.     Donald G.#1     Michael C.      Steven H.      Joseph P.      Henry S.      Leah H.      Scott H.      Donald G.#2      William E.     Dan T.     Philip S.     Joe L.     LTC (Ret) Bob B.    
Lona T.

Thank you9


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And people actually want to vote for this idiot?

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I want you to know ahead of time that this next joke is completely and totally Stephanie’s fault.

One day, a man form the Czech Republic came to visit his friend in New York.

When asked what he wanted to see, the visitor replied, “I would like to see one of the zoos in America.”

To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the Bronx Zoo.  They were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, when one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallowed the Czech whole.

Shocked, his friend from New York quickly called over the zoo keeper.  He quickly explained the situation and the zoo keeper immediately took steps to save the man’s friend.  The zoo keeper got an axe and asked the man, “Ok, which gorilla did it?  Was it the male or the female?”  The New Yorker pointed out the female as the culprit.  Quickly, the zoo keeper split the female gorilla open and found nothing of the Czech.

He looked at the man from New York, who shrugged and said, “Guess the Czech is in the male.”

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We could not possibly be that lucky.

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That’s a really good question.

Okay, … I’m really sorry … this one is Stephanie’s fault too.  I have no explanation other than she’s cruel and mean …  but I love her anyway.

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. The officer ordered the sailor, “Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it’s the brig for you!”
The sailor picked up the broom and started to sweep the chain.
Just then, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn’t. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss.
The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result.
He couldn’t get any cleaning done because he could only sweep at the chain once or twice before the silly bird came back.
When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor.
“What on earth have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?” barked the chief.
“Honest, chief,” came the reply, “I tossed a tern all night and couldn’t sweep a link!”

3

2087

2088

I’m not going to apologize for her any more …

During the invasion of Sicily in World War II, General George Patton was preparing to take the city of Palermo.  He checked with his meteorologists and learned the day he had chosen would be incredibly rainy.  So he issued an order to place copies of the New York ‘Times’ immediately beneath the tailgates of the transports carrying his troops.  In this way the men could keep their feet dry.

His staff was mystified.  Why the “Times”?  Why not the New York “Daily News”?  Patton was adamant, and one did not argue with the General.

As five tons of old copies of the “Times” were being loaded, the General issued one of his greatest quotes to the assembled war correspondents: “these ore the ‘times’ that dry men’s soles.”

3b

Look, if you think these are bad, you should see the ones that I’m NOT printing!

2089

Oh God!  Now, we’re doing it with pictures!

2090

Okay, let’s try changing things around a little bit …

motivational4

Pussy Whipped

pyramids

Quality Control

Quality

Quest

Question

Quiet Time

Racism

Rage Punch31 (2)

Random Encounter

random

random2

Ranger

Rare Sighting

Rare View

Rasta Dog

Reading on the Throne

Okay, that worked out well … we’re moving along the right way now …

2091

Disagree.  I’m on his side. 

2092

Two guys were standing inside a building of a local theme park.  They were looking outside, and it was an extremely windy day.  The area’s custodian, the one who had the job of sweeping up debris, was a very small woman who didn’t weigh much, and was having a rough time trying to not be blown away.

One guy joked with the lady, telling her that she would have to put heavy rocks in her shoes when she went outside to work.

The lady looked up and replied, “you mean, now I weigh me down to sweep?”

Yeah … I didn’t think it would last.

2093

2094

A long time ago, there was a beehive in the middle of a forest. Every day, as worker bees do, they would go out into their fields, gather pollen from the flowers, and bring it back to make honey.
The bees had a problem, though, because every so often an intruder would come around, such as a bear who wanted the honey, or kids who thought it’d be fun to throw rocks at the hive. Finally, the bees got tired of it.
Being the intelligent bees that they are, they built an alarm system for the hive. They built it such that one bee pulls a lever, which triggers the alarm that the bees will hear from the fields, and then the bees can come back to protect their home.
There was one bee who was exclusively assigned that job, and he was aptly named the “Lever Bee.” His job was to watch for potential adversaries, and pull the lever to raise the alarm.
Now clearly, the safety of the hive depends on this one Lever Bee. So it stands to reason that he has to be constantly ready and on the alert so that he can do his job.
And that, friends, is why people say, “I’m as ready as a Lever Bee.”
 

ENOUGH!

Steph … honey … you gotta stop!!!!

No more!!!

We can’t take it anymore.  2095

2096

A man walks into a bar obviously stone drunk, and asks for a drink.  “Sorry,” the bartender says, “but you obviously already had a little too much to drink.”

Fuming mad the drunk walks out the front door and walks into the side door.  “Can I have a drink, please?”

“Sorry,” the bartender says, “but you can’t have a drink here.”

The drunk walks out and goes in through the back door.  “Can I please have a drink.”

“Enough!”  The bartender screamed.  “I told you no drinks!”

The drunk looks at the bartender closely and exclaimed, “Darn!  How many bard do you work at?”

Okay … that one wasn’t THAT bad …

2097

2098

Ten thousand years ago the first humans came to North America by crossing over from Russia to Alaska.  They hadn’t actually intended to do this.  They got lost and couldn’t get their Berings Strait.

Okay … that’s it…I gotta call it quits… and not just because of the really cheesy jokes.  (Just picking on you Stephanie, I really do love you.)  Love and happiness to all of you.  May Peace and Love keep you until we meet again.

400

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Dragon Laffs #1782

Header1782Good Morning Campers

Good Morning Campers,

It’s Saturday morning and I am writing this as most of you are reading the last one.  I have the news on and I really shouldn’t.  It’s pissing me off.  They are talking about the NFL football season, which I’m not going to watch because of the whole pandering to the kneeling thing, which, as a Veteran is wrong on SO many levels and the playing of the black anthem.  I don’t have a problem with the black anthem, but there is ONE NATIONAL ANTHEM OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.  PERIOD.

And just as an aside.  If we play a black national anthem, isn’t that as racist, since we don’t play a white anthem, and a red, yellow, etc.?  And don’t tell me that The Star Spangled Banner is the white national anthem because it’s not.  It’s everyone’s national anthem because it is a song about the creation of this great country that so many of you seem so intent on tearing apart.  (Yes, I’m talking to you, Democratic National Party! and George Soros!)

Okay, let me kick that soap box back under the table before I climb up on it for the next hour or so … anyway, what was I saying … oh yeah … news on the TV and shouldn’t be … we have a thing here, not sure if it’s everywhere or not … “knozone no action day”  … the heat index and the humidity and the sun divided 401by the time of day times the season and the square root of the month means that you aren’t supposed to fill up your gas tank at the gas station or mow your lawn until after 7 pm unless you are a left handed vampire in which case you can … I don’t know.  There’s so many screwy rules… but yet they are also running some Indy Ultimate marathon in down-town Indianapolis with 1500 people participating in some 6 mile obstacle run (wearing masks or maintaining their 6 foot social distancing) in weather where they say you will get burnt to a crisp by the sun in fifteen minutes or less.3a1

I’d like to raise my hand and ask a question … cause I see a little bit of a problem with this situation … sigh.

I don’t normally agree with kitties … but yup… I’m on your side kitty cat. 

Oh … and one more thing before we get started … let’s play school … spelling bee …

Moderator:  Impish your word is Hypocrite, Hypocrite …

Impish Dragon:  [Leans into the microphone] Hypocrite, that would be  … can you use it in a sentence please?

Moderator:  Certainly, A person who says one thing and does another is a hypocrite.

Impish Dragon:  Okay, thank you … um … hypocrite … yes … hypocrite …
F … A … U … C … I …  Hypocrite!

Moderator:  That is correct!

402

Does he not have a public relations guy that tells him, “Look, Doc, under no circumstances let anyone take your picture tonight at this game without a mask on.”  What a dumb ass.

Okay,  now at long last, it’s time to laugh.

Let's Laugh1

2044

2045

403

2046

2047

REMEMBER THAT TIME

REPUBLICANS RIOTED

BEAT INNOCENT DEMOCRATIC VOTERS,

DESTROYED PROPERTY

AND TORCHED AMERICAN FLAGS?

ME NEITHER.

404

405

The news is so disturbing and anxiety inducing … so to relax, my husband and I are watching The Shining.

406

407

I’ve gotten quite good at ventriloquism.

Scared the shit out of my gynecologist today…

408

409

I have no problem admitting when I’m wrong.

Like that one time I got married …

410

411

Did You Know:  (You’ve been gone for a while…)  Similar to Déjà vu, which means “already seen”, the term Deja reve is French for “already dreamed” and is used to describe the sensation that you’ve experienced something before in a dream.  (I’ve actually done that quite a bit.  I have a recurring dream … you’re really not interested at all, are you?)  (Not … not really)

413

The media is NEVER going to tell you the truth.

And this one logically follows the last one …

414

401

1952 Dodge Pickup Truck with an old-style swamp cooler mounted on the window.

The technology of an evaporative cooler was certainly simple and reliable enough: A canister with a ram tube, some kind of pad of porous material, and a reservoir of about a gallon of water to keep the pad wet. The cool air was then routed into the interior. The drier the air, the better they worked, so they were particularly popular in the southwest and not so much in the south or southeast.

There were several main manufacturers, and Thermador was one of the biggest. Firestone sold them in their chain of stores, back in the day. These swamp coolers were first made in the 1930s and finally petered out in the late 1960s or so, although one can still buy new ones for that typical overdone look, with every available and conceivable accessory that so many restored old cars sport.” (Curbside Classic, “Cold Comfort: Firestone Thermador Car Cooler (Evaporative “Swamp Cooler”)

by Paul Niedermeyer) When I was stationed at Holloman AFB in New Mexico, and lived in base housing, the houses didn’t have air-conditioning, they had swamp coolers on the roof.  There was no thermostat or adjustments, just a single light switch like on-off switch on the wall that wasn’t even labeled.  But you know what?  That house was the most comfortable house I’ve ever lived in before or since.  They work really well and they are really cheap, but they only work in places that are really dry.  It’s just a fan blowing air across water.

415

416

Man and Cockroach talking …

Man:  “My penis is ten times longer than your whole body.”

Cockroach:  “Yet I make your wife scream louder than you do.”

417

418

“You are what you eat.”

I don’t remember eating anxiety and back pain but okay.

419

420

I’m on a light diet.  I eat by daylight, I eat by moonlight, and sometimes, I eat by refrigerator light.

421

422

Tribal Wisdom

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
generation, says that “When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.”
However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead
horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the
dead horse’s performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And, of course…
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position

423

424

If you love something set it on fire, if it … no wait, is that right?  Shit!  Be right back …

426

427

Just think … somewhere out there someone is thinking of you.  Trying to figure out how to make your death look like an accident.

428

429

I think the term “Shelter in Place” came from up North.  In the South we call it “Hunker Down.”

Just so we’re all on the same page.

430

431

A woman was spending a long time looking at the greeting cards, finally shaking her head “no.”

A clerk came over and asked, “May I help you?”

“I don’t know,” said the woman.  “Do you have any ‘Sorry I laughed at your dick’ cards?”

2048

2049

coollogo_com-73072376

Beheading

Man's Perfect Breakfast

Proportionality

Prostitutes

Protect

Protective Custody

Proximity

Prudence

Psychics

Pubic Hare

Pulling Out

Pulling Out2

Pulse

Pure Fantasy

Pure Kentucky Whiskey

Purpose

push button

2050

Bozo criminal for today comes from Stamford, Connecticut where nothing went right for bozo Carlos Perez who tried to rob a Staples office supply store. Our bozo hid in the store until it closed for the evening, then donned a rubber mask similar to the one worn in the movie “Scream” and, brandishing a pistol, confronted a warehouse worker. The worker called his supervisor who came over and, thinking the whole thing was a prank, simply ripped our bozo’s mask off. This so surprised the bozo that he dropped his pistol, which was promptly picked up by the supervisor who took it and ran to his office to call the cops. Meanwhile our bozo pulled out yet another gun, which the warehouse worker immediately took away from him. The bozo then decided it might be time to get out of there and made a break for the door where he was met by the police.

Now that’s a guy who should’ve never gotten out of bed.

2052

2053

What … the … hell …???  Never in my life …

A distraught patient phoned her doctor’s office.

Was it true, the woman wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest of her life?

She was told that it was.

There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious my condition is.  This prescription is marked, ‘NO REFILLS.’”

2054

2055

DUE TO COVID-19

We are asking

RIOTERS

TO WORK FROM HOME
AND DESTROY THEIR
OWN PROPERTY.

2056

2057

DO YOU KNOW THAT AWESOME FEELING WHEN YOU GET INTO BED, FALL RIGHT ASLEEP, STAY ASLEEP ALL NIGHT, AND WAKE UP FEELING REFRESHED AND READY TO TAKE ON THE DAY?

Yeah, me neither!

2058

2060

A Wise Man Once Told His Son:

My boy, when you accumulate the understanding to know why a pizza is made round, to be put in a square box, and is eaten in triangles, then and only then will you be able to understand women. 

2061

2062

Trump could rescue a drowning child from the ocean and Democrats would accuse him of starving the sharks.

2063

2064

If she’ll be “riding six white horses when she comes,” she’s probably a little more woman than you can handle.

2065

2066

My uncle is explaining to me, a final year genetic engineering student, that preferring a boy child is not sexist because, “boys carry the most important genetic components of the family line” and “a girl’s genetic code changes when she is married off to another family.”

432

433

Masturbation is the only thing that isn’t taxed, regulated, or illegal.  That’s your “freedom”.  You’re free to go fuck yourself…

434

2067

Taylor Swift has 500 songs about guys leaving her and 0 songs about blowjobs.

See where I’m going with this?

2068

2069

So I got pulled over in the HOV lane and when the cop asked me where my passenger was, I told him due to social distancing he was in the car behind me.

435

436

And that’s it … It’s been a strange assed weekend … truly it has.  I have a few more people to thank … I don’t think I got to that today, did I?  I’m not sure.  But it’s late, this needs to go out and I’m out of time.  So good night, until we meet again, my love to you all.

Cheers! ~ Impish Dragon

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Dragon Laffs #1781

Header1781

0aa1

2a1a

Good Morning Campers,

It’s Saturday!  And it’s been a heck of a week!  Had a dentist appoint on Thursday afternoon.  Which for me writing this was only a little while ago.  And of course … it didn’t go anywhere near like it was planned.  Another friggin’ expense.   And now the damn fridge isn’t keeping things cold anymore either and it’s another two weeks before the new fridge is coming!!!

Come on God!  Give us a little bit of a break here!!!

Sigh!  When it rains it pours.

We need to laugh!

coollogo_com-16927796

1992

1993

I got exactly this far when all hell broke loose last night … and now it’s Friday and I have less than a couple of hours to build a whole issue.

I swear if there were any cliffs around here I’d jump off!  Except dragons can fly, but it would still be fun to jump off.

I was wondering if the guys that were going to deliver the new fridge were going to have a hard time fitting the new fridge through the door, so I went on line to look at the one we ordered and saw that it was 36 inches wide … AND FREAKED THE FUCKED OUT!!!!!

Why you may ask?  Well, I may tell you.  Because I KNEW, that we had bought one that was 33 inches wide because THAT IS THE SIZE OF THE OPENING IN THE COUNTER WHERE THE NEW FRIDGE IS GOING TO GO!!!!!!!!!

I immediately got out the tape measure and ran (I don’t run very well) and RAN to the kitchen and I was right!!!! the opening is only 33 inches wide.  And I knew I had double and triple checked that when we ordered it at Lowes.

I literally screamed, like a teenaged girl.  I scared the hell out of Mrs. Dragon and I think I set Izzy Dragon’s therapy back by at least 2 years.  I won’t bore you with the infuriating phone conversation that I had with customer service (an oxymoron at best) at Lowes who tried to connect me to the appliance section 5 times before I finally got ahold of a FANTASTIC manager named Tim who fixed the whole thing.  Come to find out that we ordered the right fridge and the clerk wrote the number down for the one right beside which was the one bigger one.

But … I didn’t get done with that until almost ten pm and didn’t get done freaking out until much later.

So please … God … no more.  At least for a couple of weeks.  Preferably a couple of months and I seriously wouldn’t complain if you waited a couple of years, cause I am seriously out of money, not to mention nerves, patience and strength.

okay… onward.

1994

Dear Child,

See ya!

1995

I swatted a bee today.  I was kind of a buzzkill.

3a

1996

1997

Did you hear about the Army Commander who planted 1500 saplings near the North Korean border?  Yeah, he felt the key to security in the region was more infant-tree on the ground.

3b

1998

Ouch!

1999

You had one job?

401

3a2

2000

2001

A horse walks into a bar.  The bartender says, “Hey, you’re in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?”

The horse ponders for a minute then responds, “ I don’t think I am.” And poof, he disappears.

This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they’re familiar with Descartes’ famous postulate, “I think, therefore I am.”

But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.

2002

2003

Oh my dear gawd!

A woman walks into the ER and sits down in chairs.  After a moment of silence, she shouts, “Shouldn’t!”  A minute passes.  “Can’t!  Wouldn’t!”  Another minute.  “Oughtn’t! Could’ve!  Won’t!”  A doctor hears her shouts and dashes over to her.  “Somebody call the maternity ward!  This woman’s having contractions!”

2004

2005

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.
As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. ‘Just Released – New LP -Wasps of Europe & the sounds that they make – available now!’
Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.
‘I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I’d very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window.’
‘Certainly, Sir,’ says the young man behind the counter. ‘If you’d like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I’ll put the LP on for you.’
The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, ‘I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those.’
‘I’m sorry Sir’, says the young assistant. ‘If you’d care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes.’
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. ‘I don’t understand it’, he says, ‘I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can’t recognize any of those!’
‘I’m terribly sorry, Sir’ says the young man, ‘perhaps if you’d like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes.’
Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly 00b2agitated.
‘I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognized none of the wasps on this LP.’
‘I really am terribly sorry’, says the young assistant,
‘I’ve just realized I was playing you the bee side.’

3

 

2006

3a2a

2007

Before you try to hurt my feelings…

Please keep in mind that I don’t have any and you probably do.

2009

2008

If you go to the store without a mask to purposely trigger Maskers, does that make you a Masker Baiter?  Asking for a friend.

2010

2011

Today I decided to cause trouble!

I went to a restaurant and after seeing every table being occupied by couples, I took out my phone and made a very loud phone call saying, “Yes Girlfriend, your man is here with another woman!  Just come and see!”

Eight men got up and left …

402

403

A woman cut in front of me at the store with a box of tampons, ice cream, and wine in her cart.

I wasn’t about to mess with that situation.

2012

2013

Your STD results are in, you may want to sit down … just not on my couch.

2014

2015

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my steps, got distracted on my way back, have no idea what’s going on and now I have to pee.

2016201720182019202020212022

Oh my God!  Weren’t those fucking depressing!

The gender neutral term for sugar daddy is glucose guardian.

2023

2024

Motivational5

Amendment II

Prison

Problem Solving

Problem Solving2

Problem_Solving

Problems

Procede_with_caution

Procrastination

procrastination2

Procrastination3

Profession

Professor Badass

progress

Progressives

Promotion

Proof (2)

Proof

Oh don’t say that!!!!!

2025

2026

3a2b

Costume Party …

Host:  What are you?

Me:  A harp.

Host:  Your costume’s too small to be a harp

Me:  Are you calling me a lyre?

2027

2028

Thank you again to all the wonderful people who have donated and contributed this year.  You are the best.  There is still time to send your dimes and nickels in to help pay the bills this year.  I know it’s a tough year for a lot of folks and I don’t want anyone to do anymore than they can … that’s for sure.  Any little bit helps, though and you will be thanked equally for a little or a lot.  Because I know each and everyone of you have done what you can and I appreciate that more than words can EVER express.  The donation button is in the upper right hand corner of the blog … that goes to PayPal, or, as several of you have already found out, if you don’t want to use your credit card or just want to use snail mail, or just want to find out where I live (if I start getting junk mail or bomb threats, I know who you are who asked for my address, dammit!) all you have to do is send me an email and I will gladly send you my real address – I obviously won’t put it on here – but my email is impishdragon@gmail.com

Now … here’s our special bunch for so far this year:

William E.     Donald G.#1     Donald G.#1     Chuck G.     Ronald W.     Theodore K.     Mark M.     Donald G.#1     Michael C.      Steven H.      Joseph P.      Henry S.      Leah H.      Scott H.      Donald G.#2      William E.     Dan T.     Philip S.
Thanks Dragon

2029

Oh dear … am I gonna get hate mail over that one …

2030

When I worked in the post office, a lady barged in

and started complaining that she’d got home

to find a note from the postman –

he’d tried to deliver a package but nobody was in.

“My husband was home all day!” she fumed.

After I gave her the package, she said,

“Oh, I’m so excited – it’s my husband’s new hearing aid!”

2031

2032

I think about you all the time …

Well, not all the time;  mostly just when I’m using my woodchipper.

404

405

My question is … How in the fuck …

If you line up your Ex-Lovers in a row, you can see the flow chart of your mental illness.

406


Um … No Shit FAIL!

407

What a crappy-assed school!!

I gotta stop saying “How stupid can you be?”  I’m beginning to feel like people are taking it as a challenge.

2033

2034

Imagine if they took the Statue of Liberty down and found loads of skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a Trojan Horse mission.

408

409

If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be UNSTOPPABLE!

410

2035

I’m either going out for ice cream or to commit a felony … I’ll decide in the car.

2036

2037

Help!  My wife got wine drunk and tried to set our marriage certificate on fire saying, “Good luck trying to return me without the receipt.”

2038

2039

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary?  Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

2040

2041

Why are there never any good side effects?  Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle and see, “May cause extreme sexiness.” or  “Can cause devastating handsomeness.”

2042

2043

And that’s it folks.  Time for this dragon to call it a night!  I need my beauty rest.  Otherwise, God alone knows how ugly I’d be!

Until next we meet again.  Love and happiness to you and yours.

Cheers!

400

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