Dragon Laffs

Okay, it’s Friday and this needs to go out tomorrow. I have very little time and I want to get this out. So I’m going to jump right into it. 

I first want to thank everyone who has contributed. I checked my records (to the best of my abilities) and went back to the beginning of the year and I’m going to thank everyone who has contributed so far in 2026:

In no particular order and some of you have donated more than once…

Henry S.     Pop Smith      Steve H.     Michael F.     Donald G.     Leah H.     Sammye     Jonathon J.     Ted H.     Kenn R.     Joe from NJ     Scott H.     William E.     Sasquatch     Leonard R.     Dan T.     Joseph H.

If I missed someone PLEASE let me know! My record keeper is terrible! He needs to be beaten! His name is Impish Dragon and he is abysmal!  

Not sure if you’ve seen it in the news or not, but Indiana is receiving record setting flooding!  There are entire cities around here that are under water. The poor whelpling called me this morning in tears because the water was coming up out of his drain in his basement and his power was out so his sump pump was not working! He finally got a buddy over with a generator and another pump to get the water out. He plugged the drain as best he could but it was actually shooting up in the air! There’s a reason the Dragon Cavern is up on a hillside, but even my lower caverns suffered some minor flooding due to seepage. When the water table rises that much even I didn’t stand a chance.

Anyway, pray for the Whelpling and let’s get on with the laffs!

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, “Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.” 

“And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?” 

The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Inland Revenue and write on the envelope, ” Now you have everything.'” 

Yeah, I am too!

A tramp put the finger on a banker as he was coming out of his office. “How about a dime for coffee?” he asked. 

“Here,” the banker said. “Here’s 50 cents. Go buy yourself five cups of coffee.” 

The next day, as the banker was coming out of his office again, the same tramp came up and punched him in the nose. 

“Hey,” yelled the banker, “is that any way to treat me after I gave you a half-dollar?” 

“You and your lousy five cups of coffee,” the tramp snarled, punching him in the nose again. “They kept me awake all night.”

An English landowner and his Irish manservant ran into each other in hell one day. 

“My lord,” the Irishman exclaimed, “What are you doing here?” 

The landowner sighed. “I’m here because I lied, cheated, and stole to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. 

But you were a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?”

“For fathering that playboy son of yours,” the Irishman replied. 

A quiet little man was brought before a Judge.  

The Judge looked over the charges, then peered down at the little man in amazement. 

“Can you tell me in your own words what happened?” asked the Judge. 

“I’m a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof.”

“Yes, go on,” said the Judge.

“Well, I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to check them out.  

They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one.  

So I went to the registration office and got in another line.  

The lady there gave me some forms to fill out. 

I filled out the forms and got in another line to get my new card.” 

“And?” prodded the Judge.

“And then the guy behind that counter said, ‘Can you prove you’re from New York City?’  

So I stabbed him.”

Also, last date with a vegan.

I’ve said it before (about a hundred times) and I’ll say it again…

And anybody with a half an ounce of brains!

Of course it’s exit 69 and of course it’s in Utah.

Makes perfect sense.

How can you tell if two people are married?

They’re yelling at the same kids.

Chris sent this in because of a few memes we had on the topic lately. It is an absolute classic and should be watched over and over and should be shown in every classroom in every school!

The sign right outside of my office.

I love this one. Shows that God can use any of us … if we are willing.

A cleaner at the hotel was doing her rounds early in the morning when she heard a woman screaming for help in a room. She let herself in and found a naked, middle-aged lady handcuffed and spread eagle on the bed. A banging noise was coming from the wardrobe. The cleaner, thinking a serious crime had been committed, called for security and the duty manager. When they arrived and unlocked the wardrobe, they found a rather embarrassed gentleman dressed as Superman. It turns out this couple was playing a game where the wife was handcuffed naked to the bed, and the husband, dressed as Superman, would climb on top of the wardrobe and jump on top of her. The problem was that the wardrobe couldn’t quite take his weight, and the top broke, dropping Superman into the wardrobe, which was locked from the inside.

One of my friends’s duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. 

After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, “There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!” 

Checking to see that he had everyone’s attention, he asked, “What is the first rule?” 

Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, “Shut up, Drill Sergeant!” 

And that’s it my friends. There is still time to get in on the donations. 

• On the website (dragonlaffs.com) in the right column towards the top, hit the donate button
• Write to me at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com to get the 
  
  • Snail mail address
  • Zelle information
  • Any other way to donate that YOU can think of

Anyway, folks, that’s it. I hope you had as much fun as I did and until next time…

Well, it’s Saturday and today’s episode is out. Monday’s episode is in the box, so I suppose this is Thursday’s that I’m working on.  I have an update on donations! Yay!!!! 

Here they are for your appreciation:

Henry S.     Leonard R.     Donald G.     Leah H.     Dan T.     Steve H.     Sammye     Pop Smith     Joe from NJ

So, remember kids, cut out those box tops and send them to win your own decoder ring … oh … wait … that’s wrong… go to the website [dragonlaffs.com] and on the upper right hand side, hit the donate button or write to me [impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com] to get directions on how to donate any other way, snail mail, bank to bank, or anything else you can think of.  Or use the email to tell me why you don’t want to donate, why you don’t think it’s worth donating, why you think it should all be closed down, why you think socialism is the way to go, why you think my Christian point of view is wrong, or just to send me memes. 

Wow!  That was a mouthful!  Okay, so you get the idea. So for now…

Okay, that’s a really tough one to start with, but it hit me REALLY hard, so I had to share. There’s so much truth to it. It could even have been a picture of a KKK member with pretty much the same caption.  Izzy says that’s not an adequate comparison, but I couldn’t think of a way to express it the other way.

Oh come on! Everyone should’ve gotten that one!

I’m sorry. Truly. I just couldn’t resist. It’s just delightfully subtle.

A patient, while recovering in the hospital from a heart attack, met this over-zealous evangelist. 

After listening politely for over a half-hour on how thankful he should be to have been spared, and how he should repent at once, he was asked if all of his sins had flashed before his eyes during the heart attack. 

The patient responded, “Don’t be ridiculous, the attack lasted only 6 hours!”

I was making Play-Doh animals with my four-year-old niece, Chris, and her three-year-old brother, Neil.  

While Chris was clearly molding a crude but recognizable dog, figuring what Neil was making was a bit more challenging. 

“It’s a cat,” he told me, “but a truck ran over it.” 

Sometime later, Chris had made another simple animal shape, but Neil had a rather flat slab of dough on the table in front of him. 

“What happened to this animal?” I asked.

Neil shrugged and said simply, “Same truck.”

STILL my all time favorite meme.

Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.

Not many people realize just how well known I am.

Tact: making a point without making an enemy.

Some days you’re a bug, other days a windscreen.

This door is baroque; please call Bach later.

The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions

IT’S BETTER TO GROW OLD WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR THAN TO GROW OLD WITH NO SENSE AT ALL

Yeah, like you look like you’re 50+ years old!

Me too!  I hate that, too!

This one is on Facebook, so you’ll have to click on it and go there, but it is so funny it is well worth it.  So click HERE.

Dave is sitting at his desk when he notices something unexpected across the office: his co-worker, Bob—a guy who wears a beige tie every day and complains about casual Fridays—is wearing a small, sparkling stud in his ear.

Unable to contain his curiosity, Dave strolls over to Bob’s cubicle, leaning over the partition. “Hey Bob… since when do you have an earring? I didn’t know you were into the edgy look.”

Bob instinctively covers his ear, looking around nervously to see if anyone else is listening. “Look, Dave, keep it down. It’s really not a big deal.”

“Not a big deal?” Dave laughs. “Bob, you haven’t changed your haircut since 1998! Come on, I’m dying to know—how long have you actually been wearing that thing?”

Bob takes a slow sip of his cold coffee, stares blankly at his monitor, and lets out a long sigh.

“Ever since my wife found it in our bed.”

Massachusetts Law

Alcoholic drink specials are illegal.

A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, “Mommy, my stomach hurts.” 

Her mother replied, “That’s because it’s empty, you have to put something into it!”  

She then prepared a bowl of soup. 

Later that day when the pastor and his wife were over for dinner.  

The pastor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, “I have such a terrible headache!” 

The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give. 

Then she said, “That’s because it’s empty, you have to put something into it!” 

And that’s it for this one my friends. I have to go to the basement again and check on the flooding. We got more rain today than I’ve ever seen in a single day since living here. So, until next time …

And it’s Monday!

Well, for you guys. For me, it’s Friday.  Yeah, yeah, the whole time traveling thing. But, I want to start out today with this great experience I just had this morning! 

Even though it’s a day off for me today, I was out on base with Holly, showing her around and we went into the BX … okay, so it’s not a REAL BX, more like a shoppette, for those of you who know what those are. Think convivence store. That’s all we get on our little-bitty base. Anyway, we were on our way into the BX and this hawk lands on the awning right above the door! Just sits there for the longest time, gazing out over the field across the street, looking for something. So, I took out my phone and snapped a couple of pictures. THEN he took off and swooped right beside my head! So close I could feel the wind from his wings! It was so cool!

Google says it’s a red-tailed hawk. All I know it was way cool!

Now, I don’t have any new donation updates at the moment from when I finished the last episode last night. It is still…

Donald G. ~ Leah H. ~ Dan T. ~ Steve H. ~ Sammye ~ Pop Smith

If I get more as I go through this issue, I’ll add them in.

So, without further ado …

Let’s start on a theme…

Absolutely! Get rid of those pesky parts about repentance (changing) and marriage being between one man and one woman and the only way to get to Father (Heaven) is through the Son (Jesus Christ) … yeah, all those parts that seem to get in the way of doing what YOU want to do. Wow! What a great bible this is! (Where’s that sarcasm font hiding when I need it…)

Louisiana Law

It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol. 

I would’ve thought the law would’ve been that it’s illegal to rob a bank…full stop. But, what do I know? I don’t live in Louisianna.

Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all the aspects of their future. 

“What will you do if I die before you do?” Dad asked Mom. 

After some thought, she said that she’d probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age. 

Then Mom asked Dad, “What will you do if I die first?”

He replied, “Hell, probably the same thing.”

The seven-year old girl told her mom, “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.” 

“Oh, dear,” the mother nervously sighed. “What happened, honey?” 

“Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.” 

When it still had cocaine in it?

Go back to Sunday School.

Oh man! Please don’t ask me what I think about global warming! I REALLY don’t want to pull out that soap box.

Good manners are like traffic rules for society.

-Michael Levine

Which in-turn would frustrate me and make me shop somewhere else.

I’m thinking about getting married.  I looked up the word “engaged” in the dictionary. 

It said, “To do battle with the enemy.”

Then I looked up mother-in-law.  It said, “See engaged.” 

Maryland Laws

It’s illegal to mistreat oysters.

Directions

1.Start at London Heathrow Airport.

2.Catch flight from London Heathrow to Dallas Fort Worth Airport.

3.Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.

4.Start going toward the “Airport Exit” on “International Parkway South” – follow for 0.2 miles.

5.Bear left onto the highway toward “Terminal East Parking” – follow for 0.3 miles

6.Bear left onto “International Parkway North” toward “North Airport Exit” – follow for 2.9 miles

7.Take the “Highway 114 west” exit toward “Fort Worth” – follow for 29.2 miles

8.Then continue on “US 287 north” – follow for 91.1 miles 

9.”US 287 north” becomes “Interstate-44 east” – follow for 0.7 miles

10.Take left fork onto “US-287 north” toward “Vernon” – follow for 104.0 miles

11.”US 287 north” becomes “Avenue F (US-287)” – follow for 2.8 miles

12.Continue to follow “US 287 north” – follow for 104.9 miles

13.Take left ramp onto “Interstate 40 west” toward “Dumas” – follow for 7.8 miles

14.Take “Exit 70” onto “US 60 east” toward “Dumas” – follow for 0.5 miles

15.Take the “Buchanan Street” exit toward “Dumas/Pampa” – follow for 1.7 miles

16.Turn right onto “Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)” – follow for 0.1 miles

17.Arrive at the center of town.

scroll down









Now that’s the way to  Amarillo!

SO CAN EVERYONE STOP SINGING IT NOW . . .

And another one in the books. No new donations by the end of this one. So, if you have donated by the time this one comes out and I didn’t mention your name, it might be because you donated after Friday and before Monday. And if so, thank you very much and I will get to you on Thursday.

Remember, go to the top right of the website (dragonlaffs.com) and hit the donate button, or write to me at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com for any of the other ways to donate. I won’t say that time is running out, but one week is gone and we aren’t there yet, so…, I know, it’s been a rough year for all of us my friends. I understand. We’ll work something out. Until next time…

So, I went for my dental consultation today. Not at all what I expected. They want to replace my upper dentures and my lowers insert 4 fake teeth in the top and the bottom for supported dentures. Pull the remaining teeth on the bottom. Do some reconstruction (?) and the total price is more than I paid for both of my vehicles.

Are you guys sitting down?

WITH insurance. Now, mind you, insurance doesn’t cover much of this, which I knew going in, but still.

More than Eighteen Thousand dollars. That’s $18,000! $18K!

So, Holly wants me to go to her dentist. She also has a dental friend who wants to look over the plan. But honestly, there’s no way in hell I can afford that.

“But we have payment plans.”

I’m sure you do! I saw the notes, at 18% interest. I could take the money out of my TSP. But, I’m not going to! That’s my flippin’ retirement! Lame as it is! Start a Go Fund Me? Not on your life!

So, my next thing is to go back to my dentist or Holly’s dentist and find out what plan B, C, and D are. Stay with the uppers that I have and figure out what I need to do to fix the lowers. Still gonna cost me, but keep it in the realm of what I can afford.

Eighteen thousand dollars … they are out of their ever-lovin’ minds …

Come on, we need to laff!

But! Before we do! We have more people to thank!

The latest donations and thank you’s go out to: (From newest to oldest)

Donald G.****Leah H.****Dan T.****Steve H.****Sammye****Pop Smith

I don’t know if I put this in the last episode or not, but if I did, it’s funny enough to repeat.

I believe this is a real story. Received it from a friend of mine;

___________________

Felix and Jury Duty

Jury duty letter came addressed to my cat.

Not a mistake. “Felix Martinez” was his full name according to his vet records.

My last name. His first name. Somehow he’s a registered voter now.

Called the county clerk.

Me: My cat got summoned for jury duty.

Clerk: Is the name correct on the summons?

Me: Yes, but he’s a cat.

Clerk: Is Felix Martinez a legal resident of this county?

Me: He’s a legal cat.

Clerk: Sir, if the name matches our records, he needs to appear or file an exemption.

Me: He can’t file anything. He has paws.

Clerk: You can file on his behalf.

Me: Under what exemption? There’s no box for “is a cat.”

Clerk: (pause) Check “unable to serve due to medical reasons.”

Me: What’s the medical reason?

Clerk: He’s a cat.

Me: That’s not a medical condition.

Clerk: It is if it prevents him from serving.

Sent in the form. Got rejected two weeks later.

“Insufficient documentation. Please provide medical professional’s statement.”

Took the letter to my vet.

Me: I need you to write that my cat can’t do jury duty.

Vet: Why is your cat summoned for jury duty?

Me: Excellent question. No good answer.

Vet: This is the weirdest request I’ve gotten.

Me: Can you just write that he’s medically unfit to serve?

Vet: On what grounds?

Me: He’s a cat.

Vet: (started typing) “Patient is unable to serve due to species-related limitations including inability to speak, read, or comprehend legal proceedings.”

Me: Perfect.

Sent it in. Got another rejection.

“Summons is mandatory. Failure to appear will result in contempt of court.”

My roommate thought this was hilarious.

Roommate: Felix is going to jail.

Me: This is serious.

Roommate: Bring him to court. See what happens.

Decided that was actually the only option left.

Day of jury duty, put Felix in his carrier. Brought the entire paper trail of rejection letters.

Checked in at the courthouse.

Clerk: Name?

Me: Felix Martinez.

Clerk: (looked at the cat carrier) Is that Felix?

Me: Yes.

Clerk: (long stare) He’s a cat.

Me: I’ve been saying that for six weeks.

Clerk: Why didn’t you file an exemption?

Me: I filed three. All rejected.

Showed the letters. The clerk read through them, expression shifting from confusion to disbelief.

Clerk: Someone rejected the veterinary documentation?

Me: Twice.

Clerk: (called a supervisor over) You need to see this.

The supervisor read everything. Looked at Felix. Looked at me.

Supervisor: How did a cat get registered to vote?

Me: You tell me.

Supervisor: This is a data error.

Me: Took you six weeks to figure that out.

They dismissed Felix immediately and apologized for the inconvenience.

Supervisor: We’ll remove him from the voter registry.

Me: Appreciate it.

Supervisor: (pause) Out of curiosity, how would he have voted?

Me: Probably whatever party supports universal treats.

Got a formal apology letter a week later and a voter registration card.

For me this time.

Apparently I wasn’t registered, but my cat was.

Roommate: Felix committed voter fraud.

Me: Felix committed nothing. He’s innocent.

Roommate: That’s what they all say.

Felix is sleeping on the jury summons now.

Fitting end to his legal career.

Taking time out because I just read of a call that came in last night across the air of a 10-16 (domestic dispute) (usually the worst call a cop wants to hear) and the app that I have let’s me hear the actual call. And bless her, the 911 dispatcher in a complete deadpan voice says, “The CP (complainant) advises that the female half has climbed into a little black car and is now chasing the male half around the yard in the car.” I laughed SO HARD! You just gotta love little Peru, Indiana!

Yes! Yes it does!

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

– Saint Augustine (354-430)

Indiana, Evansville Law

While driving on Main Street you may not have your lights on.

Some of you won’t get that one, either!

Just as mom walks though the door, little Johnny comes running over. 

He says ”Mommy, Mommy. I was playing in daddy’s closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each others clothes and laid down on the bed…” 

The mother interupts him. ”Stop right there!! Wait ’till daddy comes home!!” 

When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says ”I’m leaving you.” 

The father, bewildered, slowly asks ”Why!?! What did I do??”

The mother turns to Johnny and says ” tell daddy exactly what you told me today!” 

”I was playing in daddy’s closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took each other’s clothes off and laid down on the bed…just like what you and Uncle Joe did last summer.”

Get your tissues out!

This one scared the daylights out of me!

The family of a recently deceased millionaire gathered in a sleek corner office for the reading of the will. The attorney cleared his throat, put on his glasses, and began to read.

“To my devoted wife, Rose, who stood by my side through thick and thin, I leave the estate, the luxury fleet, and $10 million.”

The widow wiped away a tear.

“To my brilliant daughter, Jessica, who nursed me through illness and built my company into an empire, I leave the business, the yacht, and $5 million.”

Jessica smiled softly through her grief.

“And finally,” the attorney continued, glancing up at the back of the room, “to my cousin Dan, who constantly insulted me, wished for my downfall, and insisted I’d never mention him in my will…”

The attorney leaned forward and whispered, “Well, Dan, you were wrong. Hi Dan!”

And that’s it for today my friends. I hope you enjoyed this one as much as I did. Until next time. Still looking for more donations to keep this rag going my friends. If you need more ways to donate than through PayPal on the website. Remember you can go to the website at dragonlaffs.com and on the upper right side hit the donate button or you can write to me at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com and I can give you the snail mail address or how to transfer from bank to bank. Until then…

It is amazing to me that it is August already. Today is the 2nd, Sunday, the tree is gone. God blessed me with this young man who was absolutely amazing. And 4 youngsters who did all the moving. This guy does this for a living, showed up with this chainsaw that was like 3 feet long and wielded it like a surgeon does a scalpel. Keep in mind, that with my little one-lung chainsaw it would’ve taken me a week to do what he did in less than 30 minutes. I say less than because he was a little late showing up at 1300 and I was thanking him as he was putting the tarp over his trailer a little before 1330. God is so good to me.

Another thing. It was supposed to pour down rain all day today …

Not a drop in the sky. Sunny and warm, all day…although it looks like it’s starting to cloud up now.

I was worried about running and picking up Izzy from work and having to leave everyone here while I was trapsing off doing something else …

We were done before I ever had to leave.

The Whelpling … my son … was upset because he couldn’t be here till later because him and his motorcycle group were off helping a veteran get out of trouble in his town because the city was on him about his yard and he was disabled and couldn’t take care of it, so they were over at the vets house putting things to right and they couldn’t get here to help me. I got to tell him not to worry about it because it was taken care of like that! [Snapping Fingers!]

So many blessings today.

And then there’s you guys. I feel the love you guys send me every day. And no, that’s not a ploy to get you to donate during August. How dare you think that. I’m writing this before the last episode asking for donations went out, so I can’t thank anyone else yet. But it is that time, so drop me a buck or two.

Since we’re talking about blessings. I’m reading this GREAT book that Holly lent me. Called 78, How Christians Can Save America, by Peter Heck. Who just happens to be a Pastor here in Indiana. And he talked about defining God and I find myself wanting to expound on that a little bit this afternoon if you’d like to follow along with me.

Here’s his take via my paraphrase.

It is impossible for a mortal, finite human being to define or describe the immortal, infinite God. It is impossible for a meager human mind to put parameters around the identity of the omniscient Creator. It isn’t up to man to define God because if man could define God, man would be God. Simply put , God is not a matter of your opinion. He is the great I AM WHO I AM, not the great I Am Whatever You Want Me to Be. God does not ask your opinion of Him and then morph and change Himself into meeting your expectations and preferences. Simply put: God isn’t here to please you; He is here to be pleased by you and worshipped by you.

We don’t define God. God is … God. The ever-present, all powerful, omniscient, creator of all things.

Well then, Impish, who created God?

You’re just not getting it sweetheart. No one and/or No thing created God. Go Is. Period. Full Stop. He always has been and always will be.

We cannot fully imagine nor comprehend the incredible magnificence that must be Our Lord. The overwhelming awe it inspires to just try to think about it. I don’t have the words … and I’m pretty good with words.

Unfortunately I am extremely far behind, so I have to jump right into things, but before I do, I want to thank Pop Smith, Sammye, and Steve H. for their incredibly generous donations. That’s our list so far. And that’s my plug for donations.

I’m not sure how much of an issue I’m going to get out today. Let’s see how much I can get done before I go to the jail tonight and then how much I can get done when I get home before I become beat up too much. My apologies ahead of time. Let’s go!

Two British men were sitting on the porch of a cabin in a nudist colony. The one man, a bit of a socialist, turned to the other and asked, “Have you read Marx?”

The other fellow replied, “Oh yes! I think it comes from sitting on these rattan chairs!”

Illinois, Moline Law

There is a ban on unnecessary repetitive driving on 23rd Avenue.

OVERHEARD AT THE OVAL OFFICE


George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. 

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That’s what I want to know.

Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.

George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China? 

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow’s name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya’ asking me for?

Condi: I’m telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That’s the man’s name.

George: That’s who’s name?

Condi: Yes,

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That’s correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes. sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. 
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi; Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don’t want Kofi?.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. 

And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. 

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. 

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East.

Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

Pete was the playboy of the office. He kept the cubicle set bug-eyed with juicy tales of his conquests. 

One afternoon a bachelor in the office cornered him and asked, “Pete, how the hell do you do it? You’re a married man, but you make Casanova look like a two-bit amateur. Come on, buddy, what’s your secret?” 

Pete was in a conversational mood. “I wouldn’t do this for everybody, Eddie,” he said, “but you’re a friend, so I’ll tell you my secret. 

Like all great plans, it’s really very simple. It’s all in the approach!  

Tonight, take the 5:21 out of Penn Station and get off at Great Neck. You’ll find dozens of women there waiting for their husbands. 

Now there are always some husbands who have to work late. 

So all you have to do is be charming and let nature take its course.” 

The system was indeed simple, and also seemed foolproof. Eddie boarded the 5:21 that night with Pete’s instructions fixed firmly in his mind. 

But he dozed en route and didn’t waken till Plandome, two stops after Great Neck. 

He got off the train in a hurry and was about to catch a cab back to his destination when he noticed an unescorted female standing on the platform looking very available. 

He sauntered over casually, lit her cigarette, and asked whether she’d like to have a nice quiet drink with him.  

“I’d love to,” she said, “but let’s go to my place. It’s near here and it’s very, very quiet.” 

Everything went as planned. They had a small dinner at her place, some drinks, then they retired to the pleasures of the bedroom. 

They’d been enjoying themselves only a few minutes, however, when the door swung open and the woman’s husband entered. 

“Goddammit, Betty!” he cried. “What the hell’s going on here? 

So this is what you do when my back is turned… And as for you, you bastard-I thought I told you to get off at Great Neck!”

Great and good are seldom the same man.

-Thomas Fuller (1608 – 1661)

“A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she’ll never forget what she forgave.”

And that’s it. I know it’s not an entire episode and I warned you, but it’s all I have time for. My apologies. Don’t forget to donate. So donate only $4 since it’s short. Till next time. My love and happiness to you all.