Dragon Laffs #1631

Header1631

Greetings from the frozen state of Northern Michigan!

It’s crazy!  The Air Force sends me to south Florida in July and Northern Michigan in November.  Can we switch them around please? 

The header is from one of the rest stops between my little cavern in Indiana and the frozen friggin’ tundra of Michigan.

This is a picture from outside my hotel:
5

Pretty, but it’s like 2 degrees outside.

Anyway, I hope to add to this all week long and have a really good issue for you on Saturday.  We’ll see how that works out.

For now….let’s laugh!

4881

I hate to start things off with such a horrible groaner, but you can all blame Ginny for this one:

While Captain Cook was sailing the South Pacific, he discovered an island that had a fabulous house of ill repute. The women were out of this world, the hospitality incredible, and the prices amazingly cheap.
After many enjoyable visits, he told all his brothers and cousins about the place, and they went there by the boatloads.
Soon they had trashed the place with their drunken brawls, terrorized the women, who all ran away, and the house shut down.
It just goes to show you… too many Cooks spoil the brothel.

4882

A woman with 14 children, ranging in age from one to fourteen, went to court to sue her husband for divorce on grounds of desertion.
“When did he leave you?” the judge asked.
“Thirteen years ago,” the tired mother replied.
The judge was confused. “Well, if he left thirteen years ago, where did all these children come from?”
“Well,” said the woman, “he kept coming back to say he was sorry.”

4883

A Texas couple, both well into their 80’s, go to a Sex Therapist’s office.
The doctor asks, ‘What can I do for you?’

The man says, ‘Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?’

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, ‘There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.’

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.  The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave..

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, ‘I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?’

The man says, ‘We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married; so, we can’t go to her house. I’m married; and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and best of all, Medicare pays $43 of it.

4884

Saw a baguette at the zoo…
It was bread in captivity.
rimshot

4885

Adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane.

4886

Alpena, Michigan is a cute little town with a LOT of big stores.  It’s a shame we’re only seeing it at night.  We’re working out on the base from 0600 to 1900 (that’s 6 am to 7 pm for you civilian types)

6A

They have a Walmart, Home Depot, Meijers, all the fast feeders, Lots of mom and pop places.  In my little town we have a crappy little kmart and a krogers, and their population is smaller than ours and their county population is smaller than ours.  Amazing.

This next one was sent by my brother the Owl and it cracked me up!!!!!

6

Tip of the day:
Never make snow angels in a dog park.

4887

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the damn lock.

4888

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

“HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside.

He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager.

The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least.

However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.”

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter.

He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer.

The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded!

He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, “Meow.”

4889

What the fuck are birds so excited about at 5 am?

4890

The older I get, the meaner I get…I’m pretty sure within the next few years I’ll be biting people.

4891

Good parenting is hearing a loud bang, and automatically yelling, “Stop Doing That!”

4892

Retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, “So, who’s gonna tell his wife?” They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.

“Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.”

Goldberg goes over to the dead man’s apartment and knocks on the door. His wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares: “Your husband just lost $500 in a Poker game and is afraid to come home.

“Tell him to drop dead!” yells the wife.

4893

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.

They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said: “I built a big house for our mother.”

The second said: “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”

The third said: “You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it.”

Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks.

“William,” she said, “the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”

“Arnold,” she said, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He’s a pain!”

“But David,” she said, “the chicken was delicious!”

4894

Dear McDonalds,

Thank you for not serving hotdogs.  I don’t think I could order a super-sized McWeiner with a straight face.

4895

A newly ordained priest, nervous about hearing confessions, finally asks an older priest to observe how he does and give some tips.

After listening in on the second confession, the older priest suggested that the younger man fold his arms, maybe rub his chin with one hand while saying phrases like “I see” or “I understand” or “Yes, my child. Go on”.

The young priest puts the suggestions into practice and later tells the older priest how much it has helped getting more information from his flock.

“You’ve done well,” said the older man.

“Isn’t that much better than slapping your knee and yelling ‘No way! What happened next?'”

4896

If you suck at playing the trumpet, that’s probably why.

4897

I just burned 1200 calories.

I forgot the pizza in the oven.

We haven’t seen them in a while, so here’s a bunch of Motivational Posters!!!

Poor Judgement

Poor Life Choices

popemobile

Porn

Porns Law

Positive Thinking

Possibilities

Potential

I really loved that one! My own personal mantra!

Potential2

Poverty

Poverty2

Yeah, things are really tough out there.

My body is a temple
Ancient and crumbling
Probably cursed or haunted

4898

When I offer to wash your back in the shower, all you have to say is yes or no.
Not all this “Who are you, and how did you get in here?” nonsense.

4899

Having worked for the Government for the last 11 1/2 years, albeit in a minor employee kind of way, I can say for sure that this next one is 100% accurate.

Once upon a time, the government had a vast scrapyard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said, “Someone may steal from it at night.” So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?”

So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?”

So they created the Quality Control Department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?”

So they created a time keeper and a payroll officer position. Then hired two people.

Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?”

So they created an administrative section and hired three people: An Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost.”

So they laid off the night watchman.

So, here’s a picture of the river in the daylight:

6c

I think it’s prettier at night.  LOL!

And this is another one from brother Owl.
6d

A man enters a sexy lingerie store to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy): “I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.”

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, “Good Grief! You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

The coffin will be closed.

4900

Okay a few more local pictures and I’ll call this issue complete.

The first one is a picture of the oldest building still standing and in use on Alpena CRTC.  It’s called the River Club and it’s where we’ve gone to eat for lunch the past couple of days.

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And this is a picture of the inside of the club.  Since this base is used a LOT for exercises from units all over the world, each one tries to decorate it, just a little.

7e

This next one is what our poor players are trying to play in right now…

7b

And finally, downtown Alpena, Thursday night….late!  (Worked late and couldn’t friggin’ sleep!)

7f

And that brings this episode to a close.  I hope you enjoyed my little adventure.

For now, my dear fellow campers, be well.

Live, Love, Laugh!

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1630

Header1630

Good Morning Campers,

Well, it’s official, as some of you already know, my promotion to Installation Emergency Manager (I was the Deputy Emergency Manager) is effective on 11 Nov 18, which is the first day of the next pay period after I was “officially” selected.  I think it is a good sign that my new date of rank will be 11 November…Veteran’s Day…from now on.  Or from now or until I get promoted again.  Not likely as the only way to go higher now is to take a job either in a different field (unlikely at my age) or to get promoted to a “higher headquarters” position (unlikely as it would require me to move to another state and that would result in a divorce from Mrs. Dragon).

The steps involved in getting this relatively low-paying, government, peon job was amazing. 

Wait for 3 months, that’s 3 months of not having the position filled where I was doing the job anyway.

Then the job opens on the usajobs.gov website.  The job sat open for 2 weeks and then closed.

Six weeks go by while I wait to hear if I made the list of qualified applicants.

Two weeks to find out that I was selected

One Week to get the tentative offer

I accept the tentative offer

One week to get the firm offer

I accept the firm offer

Eight days as we wait for the start of the next pay period.

All of that for an additional $1.03 an hour!

I’m really glad that I’m not in this for the money!  LOL!

Why take on all the additional hassle of being a supervisor, running a base-wide program, and everything else that goes along with it?  Because I know, I KNOW that I am the best person for the job, I know that I will take care of my people, and now I have the opportunity to effect some change on a system that is sorely in need of some change.

Yeah, maybe I’m dreaming.

But, when it comes right down to it, I get to work with some of the very best young men and women in the world.  The United States Air Force and the United States Military.  I’m surrounded by Veterans, some of the highest caliber people you will ever meet, and I get to do a job that I love doing.

It doesn’t get any better than that.

On the other side of the fence, all the tests and appointments that Mrs. Dragon is currently undergoing in order to get ready for surgery are coming back normal, so all your prayers are being answered.  KEEP IT UP!  You guys are doing a GREAT job and I love you all for it!

Now, let’s laugh!

But first, I WANT THIS FOR CHRISTMAS.  Santa, are you listening?

4

 

4855

I have the same problem!  Especially when I request virgins only…

The next couple of jokes are blonde jokes…so, if you take offense…skip them and move on because I don’t care and it’s all in fun.

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor’s dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this”.
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, “The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?”
The blonde says, “I put the dog in our backyard …. let’s see how THEY like it!

4856

Two Blondes With Hammers…
Lisa and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lisa was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, ‘Why are you throwing those nails away?’
Lisa explained, ‘When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.’
Judy got completely upset & yelled, ‘You moron! Those nails aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!’

4857

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see ‘Closed for the Winter.’

4858

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

‘How did this happen?’ the emergency room doctor asked her.

‘Well, I was trying to commit suicide,’ the blonde replied.

‘What?’ sputtered the doctor. ‘You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?’

‘No, silly’ the blonde said. ‘First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, ‘I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants…I’m not shooting myself in the chest.’

‘So then?’ asked the doctor.

‘Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, ‘I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.’

‘So then?’

‘Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: ‘This is going to make a loud noise.  So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.’

Think about it, you’ll get there…

4859

Well, when it’s time to switch, it’s time to switch.

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun… He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, ‘What are you doing?’

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, ‘Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.’

4861

Ain’t that the truth!  But, what a wonderful way to be manipulated!

A blonde was shopping at Target & came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, ‘Why, that’s a thermos…..It keeps hot things hot,  And cold things cold.’

‘Wow, said the blonde, ‘that’s amazing…..I’m going to buy it!’

So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk.

‘What’s that,’ he asked?

‘Why, that’s a thermos….. It keeps hot things hot & cold things cold,’ she replied..

Her boss inquired, ‘What do you have in it?’

The blond replied……’Two popsicles & some coffee.’

4862

Another great true statement.

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, ‘What’s the matter?’

The blonde replies, ‘Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.’

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, ‘Why don’t you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax & rest.’

‘Thanks, but I’d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.’

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual.

A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically…

‘What’s so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?’ he asks.

‘No!’ exclaims the blonde. ‘I just received a horrible call from my sister.  Her mother died, too.’

4863

Now THAT’S the kind of medical care we all hope for!

Education is important…
But, beer is importanter.

4864

I pulled into a town I couldn’t believe still existed in 2018. A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said “General Store,” and that was it.
There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair.. I said to him, “What do you folks do around here?”
He said, “We don’t do nothin’ but hunt n’ fuck.”
I said, “What do you hunt?”
He said, “Somethin’ to fuck.”

Sounds like my kind of place!

4865

Wooden-Groan

An English landlady was dating two of her tenants, both of them playwrights.  She could not determine which of them to marry; so she decided to let fate decide.  So she baked five of her famous round, flat, wheat-cakes and put poison in one of them; deciding to marry the survivor.

However, the two playwrights twisted fate for her when they split the last one, the poisoned one, between them.

The police arrested her for “killing two bards with one scone.”

I warned you!

4866

Never iron a four-leaf-clover.  You don’t want to press your luck!

4867

Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and snickers.

4868

Ain’t that the truth!  I’m going to start charging the doctor’s office my hourly rate for every hour I have to wait past my appointment time.  We don’t work for them, they work for us by virtue of the fact that we PAY them!

Arguing with a woman is like reading the Software License Agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click, “I agree.”

4869

Remember:
Not my circus…
Not my monkeys…
Not my problem?

Here’s a new one:
Not my pasture…
Not my cows…
Not my bullshit.

4870

Sounds interesting.  I’ll be there!

Research shows that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren’t Happy.

4871

Amen!

When I was young, I was scared of the dark…Now, when I see my electric bill, I am scared of the light!

4872

Yes.  Yes it is.

Wayne was returning home from a business trip, bags in hand, and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage. Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Wayne, and the driver pointed menacingly at him.

“Get in,” the driver ordered. “I’ll take you to your car.”

Startled, Wayne took a step backward. “Ah … no thanks,” he answered. “I can get there myself.”

“No!” the man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door. “Get In!”

Wayne’s eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to find a security guard.

Just then, the driver’s face softened. “Please,” he said, “I’ve been driving up and down for two hours. I can’t find a space to park and I want yours.”

4873

rimshot

Humans are 90% water – basically cucumbers with anxiety.

4874

Life is like a camera…
Focus on what’s important,
Capture the good times,
Develop from the negatives,
And if things don’t work out – take another shot.

4875

You call it “nagging” I call it, “Listen to what I fucking said the first time!”

4876

Based on my current rate of income, I estimate a comfortable retirement about 200 years after my death!

4877

Okay, so a bunch of these are repeats from earlier lists, but putting them all together is really something:

So you think you know everything?

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
“Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “MT”.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
“Stewardesses” is the longest word typed with only the left hand and “lollipop” with your right.
The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The sentence: “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses every letter of the alphabet.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
The words ‘racecar,’ ‘kayak’ and ‘level’ are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language which end in “dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: “abstemious” and “facetious.”
There’s no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

There, now you know everything!

4879

There’s a certain age where you can no longer use the term, “Good girl gone bad”.  It’s more like, “Her old ass should know better!”

4878

Coffee! Coffee!
It’s our drink!
If we don’t get it,
We can’t think!!!

4880

And that’s it folks.

Just so you know, I’ll be in Alpena, Michigan this week, doing an inspection on another base.  Yeah, northern Michigan in November…go figure.

Anyway, I’ll have my laptop with me and assuming that I will be able to get connected, I’ll be able to keep in touch and possibly even put out an issue next weekend.

Thank you very much for all the congratulatory messages I’ve received and the continued well wishes for Mrs. Dragon.  It means a lot.  Truly.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 6 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1629

Header1629

Good Morning Campers,

Now…

it’s not completely official…

and I don’t want to jinx it…

but it looks like…

that the possibility exists…

just maybe…

I may have gotten the promotion I’ve been waiting for!  I got a tentative offer on Tuesday and filled out all the paperwork, but it’s not final until it’s final.  But that should be soon.

But keep praying for me!

Mrs. Dragon has surgery scheduled for just after Thanksgiving, so if they’re willing to wait that long then it makes me feel like it probably will be just the minor procedure they’re saying it is.

But keep praying for Mrs. Dragon, too!

You know, I love you guys.  I’m not sure I could survive without you.  I hope you know that.

And now…let’s get a few laughs in here before I run out of time.

4828

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park.

He was a widower and she a widow.

They had known one another for a number of years.

Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.

These two were at the same table, across from one another.

As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”

After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered. “Yes. Yes, I will.”

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?”

He couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained to her that he didn’t remember as well as he used to.

Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.

As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”

He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”

Then she continued, “And I am so glad that you called because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”

4829

Sometimes you just have to close your eyes, c0unt to ten, take a deep breath, remind yourself that you wouldn’t look good in prison stripes, and walk away!

4830

Is it rude to toss a Xanax in someone’s mouth while they’re talking?

4831

5

 

I have found that a very effective way to end an argument is to ask the other person for a piece of their hair.

 

4832

My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive…

Apparently, “Don’t worry babe, your tits cover it,” wasn’t the answer she was looking for!

4833

Pro Tip: If your palm itches, you’re going to get something.  If your crotch itches… you’ve already got it.

4834

Saw a post that said:

Tell the important people in your life how much you care…

So, I called all my friends to tell them I loved them…

People sure are grouchy at 3:00 in the morning!

4835

Two guys are driving along in a car when they see two dogs mating in someone’s yard.

The driver says, “That is great. My wife and I do that every night.”

The passenger replies, “My wife is conservative, she likes it the old-fashioned way. But if you tell me how you get your wife to do this, I would like to try it.”

The driver says, “Give your wife two drinks and she will be all set.”

The next morning they’re cruising along and the driver asks, “How was it?”

The passenger answers, “It was great, but it took my wife ten drinks.”

The driver looks at him funny and says, “Ten drinks?”

The passenger says, “Yes. After two she was more than willing to make love that way, but it took her eight more to get her out on the front lawn!”

4836

Baseball is better than sex because:
Nobody comments on the size of your bat, as long as you know what to do with it.

You can count on it at least four times a week.

You have a coach to tell you when to advance.

You can go a couple months without scoring and your balls won’t hurt.

If you strike out once, you always have two more chances for a hit.

Up to four people can score at once.

Pop ups are frequent.

30,000 people cheer when you score.

After seven innings, you get to stretch.

You can get a home run without any foreplay.

4837

A woman went to the doctor asking for bigger breasts.
The doctor gave her the choice of either having an implant or wearing a special bra that inflates when you flap your arms up and down.
The woman chose the bra.
The next day she went to a bar to try out her new bra. She saw an attractive man sitting alone at the bar.
Flapping her arms, she strolled over to flirt with the man, who had started flapping his legs.
“I see we have the same doctor,” he said.

4838

If by “Crunches” you mean the sound bacon makes when you eat it, then yes, I do crunches.

4839

I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my present job.  He asked me which three were interested.  I said, “the gas, electric, and cable.”

4840

A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a Cat have died.  All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.

The German Shepherd says, “I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.”

“Good,” says God, “then sit down on my right side.  Doberman, what do you believe in?”

The Doberman answers, “I believe in the love, care and protection of my master.”

“Aha,” said God, “you may sit to my left.”

Then he looks at the Cat and asks, “And what do you believe in?”

The Cat then answers, “I believe you are sitting in my seat.”

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That’s it for today folks.

Be well until next time.

Cheers!

Posted in Uncategorized | 11 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1628––Halloween Spooktacular

Hallows

Good Morning Campers,

So…it’s been one of those weeks.  3 doctor’s appointments and now Mrs. Dragon is getting scheduled for surgery.  It shouldn’t be a big deal.  Things aren’t as bad as we feared, but the doctor tells us, we won’t know for sure until we do the surgery.

Very comforting.  Thanks Doc.

Working as you read this.  Another long week followed by a long weekend.  I should be grateful since I’ll need the overtime to pay the damn doctor bills, but it’s tough to look at it that way sometimes.

Anyway, no more bitching and griping, we’ve got a bunch of Halloween cartoons (and not much else) but I hope you can all find something to smile about.

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Better, or Worse5 (2)boo

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First Flying Lesson15 (2)

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Hand-Me-Downs20 (2)

In the Bucket21 (2)

In This Order22 (2)

Kids23 (2)

Out of House and Home27 (2)

Peter Peter28 (2)

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Smell30 (2)

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titty witch

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And that’s it for today.  I hope you all have a GREAT Halloween!

Love to all.

Cheers!

Posted in Uncategorized | 6 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1627

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Good Morning Campers,

It’s been an interesting week.

No time off, Mrs. Dragon with lots of doctor appointments and no news about anything.  I need to laff!!!!!!

2a

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LOL!  We definitely need this!

I talk an awful lot of smack for someone who tips over when putting on their underwear.

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Kids toys should come with better labels like, “LOUD AS HELL” and “NO OFF SWITCH” and “Requires 217 Batteries”

4816

Decaffeinated coffee is like a hooker who only wants to cuddle.

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My bank has a new service where they will text you your balance.  It’s cool, I just don’t think they should add “LOL” at the end.

4818

OH man!  I use that ALL THE TIME!!!

Sober or not, if a cop ever stops me and tells me to recite the alphabet backwards, I’m just going to put myself in the backseat of his car.

yellow car being chased by police

4819

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks for old time’s sake.

He hires a prostitute, takes her up to a room and goes at it as best as he can for a guy his age.

After a couple of minutes, he asks, “How am I doing?”

The prostitute replies, “Well sailor, you’re doing about three knots.”

“Three knots?” He asks. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

She says, “You’re knot hard, you’re knot in and you’re knot getting your money back.”

4820

Whiskey Wednesday!!!
It’s like Taco Tuesday, but for Badasses!

4821

Sad News –

Please join me in remembering yet another great icon of the entertainment community.  The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the belly.  He was 71.  Dough Boy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dill Dough, plus they had one in the oven.  Services will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

4822

Before sex you help each other get naked.  After sex, you only dress yourself.  Moral of the story: “In life, no one helps you once you are screwed.”

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Nope!  Still no friggin’ news!  God, this getting so frustrating!!

4824

Old man sitting on his front porch in Coushatta, Louisiana watching the sunrise sees the neighbors’ kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out, ‘Hey boy, whatcha got there?’

The boy yells back, ‘Roll of chicken wire.’

The old man says, ‘What you gonna do with that?’

The boy says, ‘Catch some chickens.’

The old man yells, ‘You dang fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!’

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man’s surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. The old man yells out, ‘Hey boy, whatcha got there?’

The boy yells back, ‘Roll of duck tape.’

The old man says, ‘What you gonna do with that?’

The boy says back, ‘Catch me some ducks.’

The old man yells back, ‘You dang fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape!’

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night, around sunset, the boy walks by coming home and to the old man’s amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

At the same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. The old man says, ‘Hey boy, whatcha got there?’

The boy says, ‘It’s a pussy willow.’

The old man says, ‘Hold on, I’ll get my hat.’

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If we all switched to cursive and stick shift vehicles, we could cripple an entire generation.

4826

A man and his wife were driving through the country from New York to California.

Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up.

About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

“What can I do for ya’ll?” asks the attendant.

“Fill ‘er up with high test,”replies the driver.

While the attendant is filling up the tank, he’s looking the car up and down.

“What kinda car is this?” he asks. “I never seen one like it before.”

“Well,” responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, “This, my boy, is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille.”

“What all’s it got in it?” asks the attendant.

“Well,” says the driver, “It has everything. It’s loaded with power steering, power seats, power sunroof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack, and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, an 8.8 liter V12 engine.”

“Wow,” says the attendant, “That’s really something!

“How much do I owe you for the gasoline?” asks the driver.

“That’ll be $30.17,” says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change.

Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.

“What are those little wooden things?” asks the attendant.

“That’s what I put my balls on when I drive,” says the driver.

“Wow,” says the attendant, “Those Cadillac people think of everything!”

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And that’s it for today.  Hope you all have a great weekend.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment