Dragon Laffs #1681

Header1681

Good Morning Campers,

I CAN SEE!

Well, out of my left eye…again. 

Well, Sunday, I can see out of my right eye, but I’ve always been able to see out of my right eye, but for the past couple of days I haven’t really been able to SEE out of my left eye.  It’s been blurry and faint.  Doctor said it was the medicine they put in my eye and as it was absorbed, my eyesight would clear up…and it did!

I also had like a scratch on my eye that was really irritating…you know, like an obnoxious in-law…or that guy that works at the desk beside you who slurps his coffee in the morning, but my doctor put a protective contact lens over my eye … which was less irritating, but still a little irritating…like the guy in the movie theater who eats his popcorn and chews with his mouth open and smacks his lips, but his two rows back and five seats over so he’s only slightly irritating.  Much less irritating then the guy who is sitting directly behind you who is snorting and sniffing who you want to get up and throw a box a tissues at and scream at to just blow his fucking nose!  (Yes buddy, if you’re reading this, I’m talking about you and the entire fucking theater was ready to kick you out!)

Okay, I’m sorry.  I got a little off track there, but I really needed to get that off my thorax. Okay, kick that soap box back under the counter.
Anyway, where was I?
Oh yeah … eyes … can see … blah … blah … blah …

We’ll talk more later.  In the mean time…

coollogo_com-94356356

678

And if parents would just learn from the first child…there would hardly ever be second children.

I HATE having a messy house.

Not enough to actually clean it.  But enough to give it a really disgusted stare from my seat on the couch.

679

It’s amazing how the sentence “Don’t believe everything you read on the internet” is the same backwards as it is forwards.

680

I would’ve gotten along well with this kid.

706

707

708

709

soapbox

Okay, let me set this up for you…because this really pissed me off the first time I read it and then once I read it, it pissed me off again, but for completely the opposite reason!!  Let me explain…the original headline read:

2 Big Teachers Unions Call for Rethinking Student Involvement in Lockdown Drills

In other words…they don’t want the kids to take part in Active Shooter Drills anymore.  And the Emergency Manager in me screams “BULLSHIT!!!!”  You don’t learn to prepare for, defend against, or mitigate any emergency situation unless you practice!  Practice!  Practice!  And schools know this.  They’ve been having fire drills and such for years.  But now, the teacher unions are saying that the students are becoming traumatized and my first reaction again is “Oh Bullshit!”

But, then I started reading a little further in the article…On top of all the other stresses of high school, she says, some students are now on constant alert: “When the little bell before an announcement happens, or when the fire alarm goes off, you can see this fear in students’ faces as they wonder, is this going to be a lockdown? Is this a drill? What’s happening? There’s so much anxiety just by a little trigger like that.”

Okay, that sounds a little sheepish …. wait …. why are they nervous?  Don’t they know ahead of time that it’s a drill?  Reading deeper…In a white paper out Tuesday, the groups say they do not recommend active shooter training for students. And if schools do choose to do these drills with students, they shouldn’t be unnecessarily realistic and schools should give plenty of warning. 

Of course they should give plenty of warning…aren’t they?  Fuck, I work with ADULTS and we give ADULTS warning because we don’t want the ADULTS going off the deep end, these are KIDS!!!  Of fucking course you give them warning…but wait, there’s more!

…increasingly hearing from parents whose children were terrified by active shooter drills. So, she started to look at emerging evidence that “these drills cause trauma, whether it’s anxiety or depression, sleeplessness, worsening school performance in kids.” There are reports, Watts says, of drills getting “over the top” with things like teachers being shot with pellet guns. “When we have a fire drill in a school, we don’t set a fire in the hallway.”

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!!!  Surprise drills!  With teachers being shot with pellet guns in the hallways! (Probably by masked assailants!) And you wonder why the kids are traumatized?  Really?  Are you serious?

I am completely and totally flabbergasted right now!

Okay, pausing to catch my breath!

Now, having been pissed off on both sides of the fence, let’s get to the real crux of the issue…

THAT IS STILL NOT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON TO STOP HOLDING ACTIVE SHOOTER DRILLS IN SCHOOLS!!!!!!!!

Our children’s lives are too important and this problem is too big to ignore.  But, it needs to be done correctly.  Firstly with proper education and training.  They need to be taught what the proper response is supposed to be, Flee, Hide, Fight.  And then drills should be planned and announced.  You can do semi surprise drills by saying things like “sometime this afternoon” or “sometime in the next two hours” and if you want to get realistic and train some students and staff in some of the more finer or detailed points of active shooter exercises – ask for volunteers!  You know there will be members of the staff and students who will volunteer for stuff like that and then, if the horrible ever does happen, you will have your core group who will be there to help the others survive.

Okay!

Deep breath.

Piss-offed-ness pushed to the side.

Long pause…………….

Nah.  I need a stiff drink.  Be back soon, in the meantime.  Let’s laugh some more.

681

MASD – Mutual Assured Snowball Destruction          Still more Calvin and Hobbs to come

Had to throw this next one in…for a couple of different reasons.

5

Not like I should talk…I figured out how to smoke a cigar in a gas mask while I was in Emergency Management Tech School.  Nope, no pictures.  Not sure the Statute of Limitations is up and don’t want anyone getting any ideas.

682

I’m pretty sure that Robert’s Rule of Law says that a motion to Adjourn is always in order… just sayin’.

Teacher: Where is your homework, Timmy?

Timmy: Nancy Pelosi ripped it up.

683

The only time the word “incorrectly” isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.

684

I’m watching this show for like, 10 minutes, and this lady is listing all these really GREAT things to do.
Then I realize it’s the Religious Channel and she was listing Sins.

685

Here’s another one that not only had to be added here, but had to be added here for Mrs. Dragon…who just happens to be very, very Irish…
5a

I’m so proud of my kid.  He got a non-participation trophy for refusing to participate in the participation trophy ceremony.

686

Yeah….that’s exactly what she was saying.

woof6

I hope I never go to jail…because I haven’t memorized a phone number since 2001.

687

Threw some protein bars in the trash and now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors’ Great Dane in the backyard.

688

There are so many GREAT political cartoons lately that I could do an entire issue just on politics alone…for instance, have you heard the latest?  Mike Bloomberg is now wanting Hillary Clinton as his running mate?  If that’s not the biggest joke of them all….
coollogo_com-39651247

4

4a

4b

4c

4d

4e

4f

4q

4r

4s

4t

4a

4u

4v

4w

4x

4f

4y

4z

And yet so many Americans are still that stupid.

689

This janitor just asked if I wanted to smoke some weed with him.  I politely declined.  I can’t deal with high maintenance people.

690

I just found a whip, a mask, and handcuffs in my mom’s bedroom.  I can’t believe it…my mom’s a superhero!

691

Saint Valentine was eventually imprisoned, beaten, stoned, and beheaded.  They don’t tell you that on the cards.

5b

Stephanie sent me an article that I think everyone should read.  And since I got in trouble for posting an entire article last time, here’s the lead in and then a link to the rest of the article.  I highly encourage you all to take five minutes and read this.

Lifelong Dem Attends Trump Rally And Writes Viral Column; ‘Dems Have An A** Kicking Coming In November’

Karlyn Borysenko is an organizational psychologist who just so happens to be a lifelong Democrat. She admits to the fact that she always saw Trump supporters as “racist”, but that all changed when she dove head first into the world of Trump at a New Hampshire rally last week.

https://trendingpolitics.com/lifelong-dem-attends-trump-rally-and-writes-viral-column-dems-have-an-a-kicking-coming-in-november/#.XkX-kPbD3MM.facebook

692

693

694

Boy ain’t that the truth.  And too many people in this country are doing this on a daily basis.

1

Still my favorite part of the show!!

beer bra

Beer Holding

beer

Beer2

Beer3

woof2

Beer4

Beer5

Beer6

Begging

Being Alive

Best Bar In Texas

Best Christmas

best job ever

695

I have that same problem!  I KNEW I wasn’t over weight!  I’m under tall!

How can you tell when someone eats right, drinks protein shakes, and goes to the gym every day? 
Don’t worry…they’ll tell you.  Oh, they’ll fucking tell you.

696


I’ve learned two very important lessons in my life.  I can’t recall the first one, but the second one is that I need to start writing things down.

697

Average funeral costs $7000 to $10,000.

I can’t even afford to die.

698

You never appreciate what you have till it’s gone…toilet paper is a good example.

699

Woof

The brain is the most amazing, outstanding organ.  It works 24-hours a day, 365 days a year, right from the day you are born until you fall in love.

700

The Best Part About Getting Older Is…

Nothing.

Getting older sucks.

701

When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French” just after saying a swear word … I’ll never forget my first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French…

702

You drop something when you were younger, you just pick it up.

When you’re older and you drop something, you stare at it for a bit contemplating if you actually need it anymore.

703

And just like that 00c 1970 was 50 years ago.

704

705

710

Woof1

711

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkees, I thought she was joking …

… and then I saw her face.

and the sad and horrible thing is…so many of you are young enough you won’t get it.

ashamed

712

I made a Ouija board from alphabet noodles.

I’ve contacted people who’d pasta way.

rimshot

713

The driver a huge tractor-trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces.  He climbed down from the wreckage.  Within a matter of minutes, another truck pulled up and unloaded a crew of workers.  The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it.  Then they began fitting the pieces together.  In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and good as new.  “Astonishing!” the truck driver said to the crew chief.  “What was that white stuff you used to get all the of the pieces together?”  The crew chief said, “oh, that was tollgate booth paste.”

3b

714

715

716

717

I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.  As I was about to leave, I though to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break.  So, I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home on Friday.

718

I BELIEVE IN YOU…

I also believe in Bigfoot and Aliens so don’t get too freaking excited.

719

I see people around my age mountain climbing.

I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

720

For those of you who don’t want Alexa listening in on your conversations, they’re making a male version…it doesn’t listen to anything.

rimshot

Oh!  Look who has a new job more appropriate to his skill level…

721

722

Again though, in your husbands defense, did he not do EXACTLY what you asked him to do?  I submit, Your Honor, that after years, this poor Husband has probably suffered and has learned to follow exactly the letter of the request so as not to be harangued by the sharp and insidious tongue of his “loving” spouse.

723

724

And that my dear campers, brings to close another edition of your favorite ezine.  I hope you have found my poor and meager offerings to your liking.  If so, please offer me a generous rating at the end with several stars and if not….well …. to heck with you.

But, I love you just the same.

Oh, by the way.  I heard from Mama Diaman today and she wished to thank all of you for the wonderful Birthday wishes she received from you.

Also, keep those wonderful comments coming.  Can someone tell me, can you guys see when I respond to your comments?

Anyway,

Cheers and happy trails until next week.

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1680

Header1679

Good Morning Campers,

I swear I’m going to save every five minutes so I don’t lose this issue!!!!  I swear it!  I promise!!!!

Yeah, that’ll last as long as my memory does…

What was I saying?

God, it sucks getting old.

638

5

Rude!

But, really funny!

640

5a

There’s probably a lot of you out there who aren’t old enough to get that one…just read it to Izzy Dragon…she looked at me quizzically and said, “it’s probably an old song.” And then called me a boomer.
The little shit.

641

639

642

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to tell people how you feel.

You could be too weak to raise your middle finger.

643

Proctologist: You have a really small colon.

Me: How small?

Proctologist: It’s like half the normal size.

Me: You mean like it’s like a semi colon?

3

644

The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.

645

clip_image001

Now THAT is a properly written police report!

646

9 am – Me: I think I’ll roast a chicken for dinner, steam some asparagus, make mashed potatoes

4:45 pm – Me: Hi! I’d like to order a large pepperoni pizza for delivery, please.

647

Only one of many, many reasons…

Not to brag or anything, but … I don’t need alcohol to send texts that I’ll end up regretting.

648

I know winter sucks, but I really love leaving leftover food in my car overnight and being able to eat it the next day.

649

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No.  I asked if he was stupid.

650

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight at dinner.

651

Cardio?

No thank you.

I thought I heard Oreo.

652

coollogo_com-39651247

4

4a

It’s ironic that two of the angriest people on TV are named Whoopi and Joy.

4b

4c

4d

4e

4l

4m

No shit.  And how can you want so desperately to escape there and then want to come here and change here to there?  What the fuck is wrong with you?

4n

4o

No shit!  Have any of you fucking geniuses figured out yet that there are traitors right there among you?  I mean, other than you, that is.

5b

The greatest snub of all time.

4p

 

6

It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub.
It’s a thirty-five minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.

653

Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf.
I haven’t heard from him since.

654

My New Mantra:

I Did Not Survive Drinking Everclear As A Teenager To Get Taken Out By A Virus Named After A Beer!!

655

When someone says, “Stop living in the past.” I say, “But, the music was so much better back then.”

656

The worst part about having an Electrolux salesman stop at your house, is the fact that he reminds you that you need to vacuum. Thanks for nothing, Mister Nosy Meddler.

657

Dear People of the World,

I don’t mean to sound slutty, but please use me whenever you want.

Sincerely,

Grammar

658

This next one isn’t really appropriate because of all the … well… snow, but it still is funny…

It’s been raining so much I just got pulled over by the coast guard and got a ticket for no life jacket.

659

You can make a frog live forever by removing its vocal cords.  It can’t croak.

3a

660

This one is actually quite old, but also funny enough that it needs to be repeated.

5c

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We’ve discovered that when I’m in a good mood it turns green.
When I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his fucking forehead.  Maybe next time he’ll buy me a diamond.

661

I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry.

He has selfie steam issues.

I’ll let myself out.

663

The forest was shrinking, but the trees kept voting for the axe.  For the axe was clever and convinced the trees that because his handle was wood he was one of them. ~ West Asian Fable

664

Her: At least invite me out to dinner.

Him: I don’t go out with married women.

Her: But I’m your wife.

Him: I make no exceptions.

665

666

667

668

I asked an old man, “Even after 95 years, you still call your wife ‘Darling, Honey, and Love’.  What’s your secret?”

The old man replied, “I forgot her name 10 years ago and I’m too scared to ask her.”

669

670

671

Person: What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done?

Me: Awfully bold of you to assume I’ve peaked.

672

coollogo_com-27359248

Beach Boobs

Bear Calvary

Bear Cavalry

Bear in the woods

Bears With Guns

bearspider

beauty

Dungeon and Dragons joke

beauty1

because we can

because when you gotta go

because

When people tell me, “You’re gonna regret that in the morning”, I sleep until noon ‘cause I’m a problem solver.

673

Many years ago on a long Trans-Continental flight, an elderly lady (Gina) asked if she could visit the cockpit. When she got up there, she found four crew members. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the Navigator and his responsibilities were to keep the aircraft on its track across the earth.
She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the Flight Engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any aircraft or engine system problems to keep the aircraft operating smoothly. She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the Captain he was responsible for everything in the aircraft and to fly and direct everyone in it.
She turned to the First Officer and asked, “Well young man, what is your job?”
He replied “Ma’am, I am the captain’s sexual adviser.”
Somewhat shocked, she said, “I beg your pardon young man, but what do you mean by that?”
“Very simple ma’am. The captain has told me on a number of occasions that when he wants my fucking advice, he’ll ask me.”

674

675

676

677

Well, my dear friends, that’s it for this week.  I did the whole second half of this issue with one eye closed because I had cataract surgery on my left eye on Wednesday.  Let me tell you, that ain’t near as easy as it sounds. 

Hopefully, by this time next week, I’ll be able to see better… just in time for the week after when I’ll be having surgery on the right eye.

Oh my.

Oh well, we all know it sucks to get old….but it does beat the hell out of the alternative.

Happy Birthday mom.  I hope you got my card.  I was in surgery on your special day and still can’t see well enough to type on my tablet to write to you so I have to do it here! 

Everyone wish Mama Diaman a Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy_birthday

So, it’s a couple of days late, but we all love you just the same.

Until next week.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon!

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1679

funnies only

Frustration is overwhelming!  I had this great issue all set up!!!!

Complete and ready to go!

And when I went to post it, it disappeared.

I cursed….. A LOT!!!!!

Therefore, all you guys are going to get is a lot of cartoons and what I can put together in the next couple of hours.

So… sorry.

Here, you go.

 

599

600

601

602

603

604

605

606

607

608

609

610

611

612

613

614

615

616

617

618

619

Basketball

Batman

Batman2

BatmanRidesAnElephant

battlesheep

Battlestar

Bavarian Chicks

be careful

Be Mindful

Be_Unique

620

621

622

623

624

625

626

627

628

629

630

631

632

633

634

635

636

637

And that’s all I have time for I’m afraid my friends. I deeply apologize for the technological problems this week. 

Better next week.

Cheers!

Impish

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Dragon Laffs #1678

header4

Good Morning Campers,

Superbowl weekend is here!  And it’s been a long, long week.  I mean a LONG week.  That’s why this first cartoon is so appropriate…

569

And with that….I think we ought to get started with this week’s issue, don’t you?

595

Friend 1: I go to yoga five days a week.

Friend 2: I plan vegan meals one week in advance.

Me: I eat cake over the sink so I don’t get crumbs in my bed.

570

Maybe money doesn’t buy happiness, but I’m accepting donations to test that theory.

571

Is it rude to start asking my mother in law for daily childcare fees?  Her child is a hand full and I don’t work for free.

572

You know you’re getting old when you can’t walk past a bathroom without thinking, “I might as well pee while I’m here.”

573

My brain said “crunches” but my stomach auto-corrected it to “cupcakes”

574

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.

575

500 shopping carts in the grocery store and I keep picking the one with the weird front wheel that sounds like a dying pig.

576

When my wife is mad at me, I tighten all the jar lids so she has to talk to me.

577

Did you hear that Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?
Apparently, the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

3

578

579

I really, really gotta try that one.  That ought to really fuck with the crazy guy across the street.

580

I really need to get into shape.  Today I realized that if I got murdered, my chalk outline would be a circle.

581

Interesting Facts About Me:

I was born on my birthday

I’m human

and I don’t tell everyone this, but…
I’m naked under these clothes.

582

5a

5

It’s taking longer and longer to reach the acceptance stage.

Stephanie says to blame this next one on her sister.

I want to do archery in Mexico, but I didn’t habanero.

583

Not everybody had to like me.
I can’t force you to have good taste.

584

Full disclosure….most every guy out there is looking at that picture and saying to themselves, “well, that is exactly what she asked for, if she wanted something else, she should have asked for something else.”

2b

585

And what’s wrong with that?

And here’s another one that is timely and must be used now…

2c

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.

586

I married my wife for her looks
but not the ones she’s giving me lately.

587

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself.  In a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it.  I think I managed to cover my tracks.

3

588

A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
Schwepped her off her feet.

3a

589

coollogo_com-39651247

4

4a

4b

4c

4d

4e

4f

4g

4h

4i

4j

No shit.  If you’re not bright enough to say, how the fuck did that happen, then you really aren’t paying any attention.

590

Weight loss goals:
To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

591

Immediately stop feeding your kids Rice Krispies.
It is not absorbed in your body in a healthy manner.
It is stored in your body, and the effects become visible when you are older.  I used to eat Rice Krispies, and now that I am older I can testify to the effects of this.  Every morning when I wake up and get out of bed, everything in my body snaps, crackles, and pops.  Pass this message on to everyone, to stop this from happening in their old age.

592

Owning dogs is perfect for people who never want to eat a whole sandwich by themselves again.

593

Last night my wife wore a police uniform to bed and said, “You’re being charged with being good in bed.” 90 seconds later the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

594

And now, one of my favorite parts…

coollogo_com-2526424

Bad Karma

Bad Parenting

bad_luck

Bag o dice

bailouts

Bake Sales

balanced diet

ball pit

Band_of_brothers_2.0

Bangkok

Bard

Barrel Roll

Bartending

God Bless Bartenders everywhere.
The unsung heroes of alcohol.

596

PRO TIP: NAPPING

If you want to nap while the kids are home, just say “Wake me up in 30 minutes so we can clean the house.”
They will then do literally anything to avoid waking you.

597

If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed.

If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed.

If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it.

If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!

598

1a

And that ought to be about it for this week my dear friends.

I hope you all have a wonderful week, until we meet again.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon!

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Dragon Laffs #1677

Header1679

Good Morning Campers,

541

Okay, that’s pretty bad.

542

And that one was even worse.  I’m really sorry.  I’ll try harder with the next one, I promise.

543

Annnnnnddddddd……… I broke my promise straight out.   Geez!  What’s a guy gotta do to get a funny picture in here???

544

Okay, so we’re getting a little closer.  Let’s give it one more try…

545

Okay, it’s time for me to take a break.
There must be something in the air, or something.
A pizza hut….geez!

dragon-divider-greensleeping

00Sunday…. football day!  First, the Tennessee Titans play at the Kansas City Chiefs to see who gets to play against my Green Bay Packers when they beat the San Francisco 49ers in San Fran. 

Now, if for some strange reason, the moon crashes to the earth, the sun goes dark, gravity stops working, and Green Bay loses today, then I’m afraid you are going to hear of a dragon rampage of disastrous proportions…apocalyptic proportions!  San Francisco would be best to just have an earthquake break it off and have it sink into the ocean!  They will wish they never …

beep

Mr. Dragon? 

What is it Ms. Day?

Mr. Dragon, you know it’s part of my job to protect you and …

Yes, Ms. Day, what is your point?

Just one word, sir…premeditated.

What? Ohhhhh!

Yes, sir.

click

Let’s get back to our laughter

546

Someone just honked to get me out of my parking spot faster.
So now I have to sit here until both of us are dead.

547

My bank has informed me that Facebook friends can not be used as references for a car loan.  You guys are useless.

548

My favorite kind of 12-Step Program

coollogo_com-231011201

Today, Sunday, January 19, 2020 is Edgar Allan Poe’s 211th birthday!  Have you ever read any of this dude’s stuff?  If there is anybody who’s still alive after 211 year’s it’s him.  So, Happy Birthday Edgar!

549

What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives women wild?

A $100 bill

A little misogynistic?  Yeah, but give it time.  This is an equal opportunity ezine.  We’ll get around to everyone.

550

What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?

Condoms have evolved: they’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

See, that didn’t take long, now did it?

551

Oh damnnnnnnnnnnn  …. what if he’s right?

In the morning Tom calls to his boss:
– Good morning, boss, unfortunately, I’m not coming to work today. I’m really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my both hands and legs hurt, so I’m not coming into work.”
The boss replies:
– You know Tom; I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.
2 hours later Bob calls:
– Boss, I followed your advice, and I feel great! I’ll be at work soon. By the way, you got a nice house.

552

If a man talks dirty to a woman, that’s sexual harassment.
If a woman talks dirty to a man, that’ll be $6.50 a minute.

553

You guys see this on the news on Monday?
5a

00aI’d really like to get all up in here and say how I told you so.  How I told you if my beloved Packers lost, how I would burn San Fran to the ground, and how now San Fran is burning as you can see from the above picture…but Main Stream Media lies.  I had decided that since San Fran played so damn well and Green Bay played so damn bad, that I would just eat a few taco trucks worth of bad tacos and kind of lay a layer of gas down over the city.  Childish, I know, but I had to do something.  Well, after laying down a really stinky layer of very potent gas, I … um … accidently sneezed.  Once I sneezed, there was a spark, an inadvertent flashover, and some flower photographer on a hill over the city caught the flashover on film.  Some TV station bought the image and put up the conspiracy theory that you see above.  The actual flames lasted less than a millisecond, no one was seriously hurt (there was one old hippie down by the market who lost part of his ponytail in a freak coincidence when it was determined it was also where he was storing his dope)  But, overall it was much ado about nothing.  If you look on line in the actual city of San Francisco, you will find no news of any actual fire because Main Stream Media knows that they will be caught out.

Idiots.

Anyway, that’s why we’re here…so that the truth will win out.

Motivational

 

Everybody’s favorite….well, at least my favorite.

Awwww Fudge

Baby Cross Dressing

Baby on Board

baby storage

Babysittin

Back Off

Backup Piece

Backups

Bacon Lube

Bacon Sandwich

Bad Day (2)

Bad Day

Bad Girl

554

This next one is from Stephanie…I want to make that perfectly clear before you read it.

How do New Zealanders find sheep in the tall grass?
Satisfying

I told you.

2a

555

Forget Kale.
What’s Keith Richards and Betty White eating?

556

557

Why is it so easy to pick on us older guys?  If I could find my damn glasses, I’d have something to say about that!

558

Self Checkout Should
Include an Employee
Discount!

559

Someday I’m going to eye roll myself into another dimension.

560

If I see one more person texting and driving
I’m going to roll my window down and
throw my Beer at them!!!

561

I always knew I’d get old.
How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise, though.

562

I got called “pretty” today!
Well, actually, the full statement was
”you’re pretty annoying,” but I only focus on positive things.

563

I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”.
There so stupid.

564

Here’s another one that’s especially funny and timely so it gets moved to the top of the stack.

1h

Not necessarily a fan of the Governor, but that was pretty good.

Oh Lordy, and here’s another one…

1i

Yup…yup, yup, yup.

A guy walks into a bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”

The teller says, “Don’t you mean history?”

The robber replies, “Don’t change the subject!”

565

I feel bad for kids today with all their electronic gadgets; They’ll never know the simple joy of throwing rocks at each other.

566

Wow, apparently it’s “rude” to ask the parents of a kid on a leash if it was a rescue.

567

The Great Debate

Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jews, so the Pope agreed to debate with a member of their community. If the Jew won, they could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

Knowing they had no choice, they picked old Rabbi Moshe to represent them. His Latin wasn’t very good, but he was a man of great faith and well respected. He accepted, on condition that it would be a silent debate. The Pope agreed. After all, what could be easier than a silent debate?

On the day of the great debate, Moshe and the Pope sat opposite each other.

After a minute the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moshe looked back and raised one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moshe pointed to the ground.

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moshe pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, “I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.”

As the puzzled cardinals clustered around the Pope, he explained: “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He held up one finger to remind me that one God is common to both our religions. When I waved my finger around me to show that God was all around us, he pointed down to show that God is also right here with us. When I showed him the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins, he showed me an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”

Meanwhile, the Jews had crowded around Moshe. “What happened?” they asked. “Well,” said Moshe, “He says to me, ‘You Jews have three days to leave.’ So I said: ‘One!'” Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, ‘Listen here, Popey baby, the Jews … we stay right here.” “And then?” asked a woman. “Who knows?” said Moshe. “He took out his lunch so I took out mine.

568

Thank you my dear friends for hanging with me this week.
I remain in mourning over my poor Packers
00a
There’s always next year, I suppose.
Guess I’ll have to cheer for Kansas City in the Super Bowl.
Anyway, until we meet again next week.
May you have a wonderful week.
1a

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments