Dragon Laffs #1432


4e

Good Morning Campers,

I’m kinda going with a new idea this episode, where I’m really going to have opening comments and we will visit Lethal and Impish and the stories of D.R.A.G.O.N. in a minute.  Not sure if it will stay this way, but I did want to have some say at the beginning and not just jump right into the frying pan, as it were.

Spring has finally sprung here at Casa de Dragon…at least in my front yard
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Izzy and her little friends have been gardening the last couple of springs and moving bulbs around the house and this is one of their batches from two years ago.  The ones from last year wont look as good this year, but they are all starting to pop up and look great. 

I’d like to public thank Lethal Leprechaun for all his help with this issue.  See, I’m a little short on time right now.  My last day off was April 4th and my next scheduled day off is May 10th…so, he has really been instrumental in this issue not only getting out, but for much of the quality as well.  Thanks bro, it’s nice to know you got my back.

 

Now, let’s see what kind of trouble Impish has gotten himself into this week.

 

01

Lethal is escorting Impish through some less than inviting looking definitely institutional halls. Impish does not appear any too pleased about what ever it is Lethal is taking him to do.

 
But why do I have to sit through a post mission debriefing Let…ah…Mr.Green? I spent longer on writing and revising the after action report after you’d read it than I did on the entire mission!
 
Because Mr. Blue its protocol and procedure. I know you think that this business is all thrills, chills, guns, gals, martinis and mayhem, but the reality is there is a lot of tedious boring work that makes up 85% of an agents work day. This is one of those things. Call it a necessary and sometimes annoying evil. One you have to endure if you expect to continue as a field agent
 
<Impish grumbles under his breath and appear to be about to whine more>
 
Hey look! If you’ve decided this isn’t to your liking Mr. Blue you’re not too far in yet not to change your mind and go back to being a civilian. I for one certainly will not be holding it against you and I know your pal Mr. Leprechaun will back you fully with all his resources should you decide to do that.
 
Impish sighs deeply as they approach a door before squaring his shoulders and preparing to enter the interrogation room for his debriefing.
No I got this. This is the business I’ve chosen and  I’m not a quitter.
 
As he places his hand on the door Mr. Green speaks one last time but in a much lower tone as he hands our beloved dragon a manila envelope from inside his coat.
 
I said Mr. Blue you had to submit to this. I never said you had to give them your full co-operation or not make them wish they hadn’t insisted on this or that you shouldn’t try to persuade them not to subject you to these de-briefings in the future.
 
He looks pointedly at the envelope he’s given Mr. Blue
 
Now Mr. Blue would be an excellent time to determine the contents of that envelope. Perhaps it will make my meaning more clear to you.
 
As Mr. Green spins about on one heel and swiftly strides back the way he came a seriously puzzled Mr. Blue undoes the clasp on the envelope and peers inside momentarily only to start chuckling loudly.
 
Thank You Lethal where/who ever you are!
 
Impish turns the knob and enters the room muttering under his breath ‘Show time! I am so going to enjoy this after all!’
 
Q: State your name.
A: Seriously? How many other dragons, blue or otherwise have you been fortunate enough to recruit?
Q: For. The. Record. Please. State. Your. Name.
Impish glares at the Interrogator a moment before responding while imitating Curly from the 3 Stoogies.

“Oh! A wise guy huh? Nuck! Nuck! Nuck!” <Switches to his Sean Connery accent> “Blue. Ice Blue.” He tosses the manila envelope on the table in front of the interrogator.

Q: What’s this? <He reaches for the envelope> Something to be entered into the official record?

A: Those are my briefs, the ones I was wearing during the mission. I mean this is a de-briefing right? I don’t mind giving them to you for the record, as long as I’m reimbursed for them since I have to buy them special for the missions as Dragons generally prefer to go commando, but I’ll be damned if I’m letting a bunch of  voyeurs watch me take them off so they can play pocket pool. Also I’m admittedly more than a little confused why you apparent bunch of panty sniffers want them in the first place.
 
The interrogator shoves the envelope as far away from himself as possible and with great distain. Pinches the bridge of his nose, sighs and says:
 
Q: So this is how you want it to be? I assure you I have all day and all night and you will answer all of my questions and to my satisfaction before you walk out of here Mr. Blue. Your lack of serious regard for the work will only prolong this interview.
A: I assure you Harry.. he scowls or is it Harriet Hardass, glancing at the one way mirror at the far side of the room as he sits down, on the contrary I take the work very seriously, its you and this nest of nitpicker and no-no nellies I don’t take serious >(Quoting Monty Python and in his best John Cleese)< Ask your questions 3 bridge keeper I am not afraid!
 
 
Q: Why didn’t you wait for Mr. Green to contact you and kit you out  prior to embarking on your mission?

A: HULLOOO! Have you ever SEEN Mr. Green in a minimal caffination condition/situation? This was a serious dire emergency!Those that run D.R.A.G.O.N. were in danger of possibly falling asleep at their posts or possibly being kidnapped by hipster liberal loonies working for A.S.S.!

Besides unless D.R.A.G.O.N. has memberships for Sam’s Club, Cosco or some other buyers club I already had everything I needed the second the necessary finances hit my debit card.
 
Q: How were you armed?
A: 2 forearms & wings with foreword & aft talon spike. Horns. Big ass tail.
 
Q: NO! NO! I mean what weapon(s) did you take on the assignment?
A: (Imitating a cliché Mexican bandito [or the SNL killer bees])
Weapons? I am a dragon I don’t need no stinkin’ weapons!
incinerates setting off smoke detectors and sprinkler system>
Would you care to see what happens if I decide to hock a loogie on you Mr. Pinstripe Paper-pusher?
<smashes table with tail>
Or slap you upside your phi beta crappa head and bad toupee with my tail?
 
Q: Why did you chose to use the sidecar equipped motorized unicycle designated Dragon 3?
A: 1.) Dragon 1 is an air vehicle wasn’t particular suited to the mission or very blending in.
    2.) Dragon 2 (aka Chitty Chitty Bang Bang) isn’t done being overhauled and upgraded after 30 years in storage.
    3.) Flying as myself wasn’t an option with all that stuff to carry and the bus route means I’d have been impossibly package laden and on vulnerable waddling foot for 1/2 a mile both ways.
    4.) They don’t make blade skates in my size (not that WalMart would let me in with them on anyway) and I can’t skate board worth a shit.
    5.) Being a secret mission Uber wasn’t really an option and besides its really had to get an Uber ride when you’re A DRAGON!
 

Q: But why did you take Dragon 3 into the WalMart then?

A: Because there is no locking hard top to the side car and because they wouldn’t give me a key to the scooter thingie my first time in there.

The coffee makers are all the way in the back, plus there were no carriages handy and I was going to have a lot of items. I’ve got a question for you now since you’re going to peruse this line of questioning. Why wasn’t I issued some sort of vest of many pockets or between the wings pack or even saddle bags as part basic kitting out?

Q: AH er…that’s not really my department. Now if I could…
A: I mean not even a lousy old smelly bag of holding? You cheap tight assed bean counters couldn’t even pop for that?
 

Q: Why did you throw only $10 at the cashier? You had to know the stuff you were taking and the damages were more than that!

A: You ever try to pull a $100 bill out of your wallet while operating a motorized unicycle w/ side car in a WalMart on a Friday night at 40 mph? No?

Well if you had you wouldn’t be asking me these dumb questions Mr. Flannel suited broom stick someplace the sun won’t ever been seen shining!

It wasn’t like I could just leave my debit card and yell <switches to Schwarzenegger imitation from Terminator>I’ll be bach’ now was it?
 

Q: Can you explain why you doubled back when you realized you had passed the donuts instead of just going to the Krispy Cream drive thru down the road?

A: (imitating Joe Peschi as Leo Getz)

Can I give you a friendly piece of advice?
Don’t ever go up to the drive-through.  Okay ? Always walk up to the counter.
You know why? Okay, okay, okay.  Let me tell you,
They fuck you at the drive-through, okay?
They fuck you at the drive-through. They’ll give you stale donuts and figure you’ll be too far away when you find out.
They know you’ll be miles away before you find out you got fucked, okay.
They know you’re not gonna turn around and go back.
And they don’t care!

<reverting to Impish’s voice> 

Also I knew  from my prior expert experience in pastry purloining my shot at finding an Enterman’s truck to steal at that hour as substitute was zilch.

Anymore questions Mr. I can’t handle field work but I can nit pick those that do it? Cause I got to warn you I’m starting to feel a little peckish.
 
Q: You mean you can’t handle answering a few simple questions regarding your methodology without feeling picked on and I should feel sorry for you?
A: I said peckish dumb ass not picked on. Impish leans across table whispering so the interrogator leans in to hear what he’s saying. See the difference is
when I feel peckish, I‘m the one doing the picking on someone or something living. Picking on. On as in snacking.
 

A flaming loogie is hocked at room’s camera and blood a curdling scream is heard before things go momentarily quiet.

Impish can suddenly be heard belching loudly then the sound of his clearing a path (probably through the recently tail smashed broken table’s remains) with his tail.

He can faintly be heard muttering and sounds like he’s mocking the nasal voice of the now deceased interrogator ‘No! NO! I mean how were you armed? Pulease! DRAGON HERE!” Another loud sound, this time of breaking glass as the reinforced one way mirror in the room shatters.

The last thing you hear is Impish roar ANY ONE ELSE in here got any more DUMB TEDIOUS QUESTIONS or are we through? Because truth be told he was pretty scrawny and tasted like vegetables so I’M STILL FEELING PECKISH!

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1374

How Experts Ask for a Raise

An Austrian maid asks the wife who employs her for a pay raise.

The wife became very angry about this and decided to talk to her about this raise.

She asked, “Now Anna, why do you think you should get a pay increase?”

Anna: “Well, Madam, there are tree reasons why I wunt the increaze. The 1st is that I do iron better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”

Anna: “Your husband he say so.

Wife: “Oh yeah?

Anna: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.

Wife: “that’s a lie, who said you were a better cook than me?”

Anna: “Your hozban he did.

Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”

Anna: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”

Anna: “No Madam… The gardener did.

(A moment of silence passes…)

So, how much do you want?

 

 

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The next time you hear someone bad-mouthing the cops, show them this video!

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This one is truly amazing.  Even though it’s a jewelry commercial for Mother’s Day, it’s a beautiful video.

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Me and my nanny when I was a bitty dragon.

 

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Dragons and Leprechauns most especially operate under the exact same idea.

 

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Sister Mary Punishment.  The detention monitor.

 

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This one is from Grumpy.  Hi ya Grumpy!  You still talk to the other seven dwarves?  Anyway, after reading this, I believe that Grumpy is aptly named, and a member of my peer group.  Way to go Grumps!

POTUS  
In recent American history, the president of our once-great nation has been identified by the acronym “POTUS”, which of course stands for President Of The United States.

However, during the current presidency, a subtle change in meaning has come about with that term.​

The occupant of the Oval Office is still referred to as the POTUS, but the term has become much more descriptive of the man holding this once revered position. POTUS now means:
​ ​

                 Piece Of Totally Useless Shit

Put obligatory picture of dumbass Obama here….
Okay
5b (1)

 

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Time for more of these great pictures…
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Ought to really be Plan A. 

 

8r

The stork delivers babies.

 

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And receive they shall!  If the government ever gets their heads out of their collective asses and does something!

 

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LOL!  There’s more truth to this than you know.  And you gotta love the “birth-control-glasses” the dude’s wearing!

 

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Probably flying to a Navy base somewhere…even though it IS an Air Force aircraft.

 

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The “pilot attitude” starts so young.

 

And lastly, and this is also the last one for the series (unless I get more sent to me, hint! Hint!)

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This next one is too good not to share.  Thanks to K2 and a warning from me.  Those of you out there who think this is just tongue-in-cheek had damn well better think again…

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As you know, my dear people, the last year for me has been an annus horribilus. The Royal House of Clinton has been tormented by questions about our handling of finances and subjected to tiresome questions about the tragic events in Benghazi–in the furthest regions of our empire. And, sadly, also questions about my Royal e-mails. 

Nevertheless, I will not be daunted in my desire and commitment to serve you the people. For the next seventeen months I will be traveling among you as one of you, to listen to your deepest longings and needs. I will be with you in your Wal-Mart and beside you in your Burger Kings. I will drive with you down the busy interstate highways of our land sharing your poverty and needs with you.

How well I remember the days when the Duke of Arkansas and I were impoverished. After we were expelled from our Washington Palace we hardly had two mansions to rub together. We were so poor we had to remove thousands of dollars of china, flatware, carpets and gifts from the Washington Palace just to survive. Now, happily, benefactors from around our empire have given just enough for us to scrape by.

During those difficult times we had to cut back when our daughter was married. We only had three million dollars to spend on her wedding and I remember our hopes as she moved into her $10 million Manhattan apartment that one day she would be able to move on from that humble abode to something more fitting. So as I travel across our land to meet you all, I will be listening and sharing with you. Then when the time for the royal election comes I know you will crown me as your rightful monarch so that we can all live happily ever after.

And now, an important message from Obama

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Hey, let’s jump into my favorite part of the show!
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admit it

Coincidence

dark humor

depression for dummies

finally spring

 

You can thank Lethal Leprechaun for this one.  He is actually the one who called my attention to this
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Happy birthday, Hubble!

25 years ago yesterday (Friday), the Hubble Space Telescope was launched aboard the Space Shuttle Discovery. We love the unprecedented perspective on the universe its array of sensors have provided. We love it so much, in fact, that we could hug it. NASA has put together a breathtaking gallery of Hubble’s Top Shots over the years, which you can go visit in a minute. If you go now, I’ll never get you back.

Wow!  You really need to click on the link in the above paragraph “breathtaking gallery of Hubble’s Top Shots”.  It is awesome!!!

 

It was reported today that an anti-Hillary website was only be able to raise $12,000.

 
When asked why, Bill Clinton said, ‘That’s all I had’.

 

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This one is beautiful.  Thanks Dad!

 

As we get closer to the 2016 election year, US citizens must remember
that they cannot trust   Hillary Clinton to create   American jobs.
The last time she had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to
Monica Lewinsky. …

 

 

And Monica blew it.
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A man is sitting in a saloon in Paso Robles, California and was far from home when Barack Obama came on TV. The man looked at the TV and said, “Obama is a horse’s ass.”

 
Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking him off his bar stool, then stomps out. The man got back up, rubbed his cheek and ordered another beer.
 
Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. The man looked at the TV and said “ She’s a horse’s ass too!”
 
Out of nowhere, another local punches him in the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.
 
The man gets back up and looks at the bartender, “I take it this is Obama country?”
 
“Nope, replies the bartender, “Horse country.”

 

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I’ve seen this article and this listing before and I’ve done research on it when I’ve previously seen it.  Not sure this is the EXACT same list, but I’m sure it’s close enough that I’m willing to publish it here.  Now listen people.  These are all verifiable facts.  Mr. Clinton was not just some smiling goof who got a blowjob in the Whitehouse.  And his wife, the Benghazi Bitch, is just as bad and I would warrant, even worse.  Those of you who still think she would make a good president of our United States need to beware…

 

This is what happens when you mess with the Clinton’s!!

In case you have forgotten all the other bodies this witch has  left in her wake……Just a quick refresher course ‘lest  we forget’ what has happened to many “friends” of the Clintons.

1-James McDougal – Clintons convicted Whitewater partner  died of an apparent heart attack, while in solitary  confinement. He was a key witness in Ken Starr’s investigation.

2 – Mary Mahoney – A former White House intern was murdered July 1997 at a Starbucks Coffee Shop in Georgetown .. The murder happened just after she was to go public with her story of sexual harassment in the White House.

3 – Vince Foster – Former White House councilor, and colleague of Hillary Clinton at Little Rock’s Rose Law firm. Died of a gunshot wound to the head, ruled a suicide.

4 – Ron Brown – Secretary of Commerce and former DNC  Chairman. Reported to have died by impact in a plane crash. A pathologist close to the investigation reported that there  was a
hole in the top of Brown’s skull resembling a  gunshot wound. At the time of his death Brown was being investigated, and spoke publicly of  his willingness to cut a deal with prosecutors. The rest of  the people on the plane also died. A few days later the air  Traffic controller committed suicide.

5 – C. Victor Raiser, II – Raiser, a major player in the Clinton fund raising organization died in a private plane crash in July 1992.

6 – Paul Tulley – Democratic National Committee Political Director found dead in a hotel room in Little Rock , September 1992. Described by Clinton as a “dear friend and trusted advisor”.

7 – Ed Willey – Clinton fundraiser, found dead November 1993 deep in the woods in VA of a gunshot wound to the head. Ruled a suicide. Ed Willey died on the same day his wife  Kathleen
Willey claimed Bill Clinton groped her in the oval  office in the White House. Ed Willey was involved in several Clinton fund raising  events.

8 – Jerry Parks – Head of Clinton’s gubernatorial  security team in Little Rock .. Gunned down in his car at a  deserted intersection outside Little Rock. Park’s son said  his father was building a dossier on Clinton He allegedly  threatened to reveal this information. After he died the files were mysteriously removed from his  house.

9 – James Bunch – Died from a gunshot suicide. It was reported that he had a “Black Book” of people which contained names of influential people who visited prostitutes in Texas and Arkansas.

10 – James Wilson – Was found dead in May 1993 from an apparent hanging suicide. He was reported to have ties to Whitewater..

11 – Kathy Ferguson – Ex-wife of Arkansas Trooper Danny  Ferguson, was found dead in May 1994, in her living room  with a gunshot to her head. It was ruled a suicide even  though there were several packed suitcases, as if she were  going somewhere. Danny Ferguson was a co-defendant along with Bill Clinton in the Paula  Jones lawsuit. Kathy Ferguson was a possible corroborating  witness for Paula Jones.

12 – Bill Shelton – Arkansas State Trooper and fiancée of Kathy Ferguson. Critical of the suicide ruling of his fiancée, he was found dead in June, 1994 of a gunshot wound also ruled a suicide at the grave site of his fiancée.

13 – Gandy Baugh – Attorney for Clinton’s friend Dan Lassater, died by jumping out a window of a tall building January, 1994. His client was a convicted drug distributor.

14 – Florence Martin – Accountant & sub-contractor for the CIA, was related to the Barry Seal, Mena, Arkansas, airport drug smuggling case. He died of three gunshot wounds.

15 – Suzanne Coleman – Reportedly had an affair with Clinton when he was Arkansas Attorney General. Died of a gunshot wound to the back of the head, ruled a suicide. Was pregnant at the time of her death.

16 – Paula Grober – Clinton’s speech interpreter for the deaf from 1978 until her death December 9, 1992. She died in a one car accident.

17 – Danny Casolaro – Investigative reporter. Investigating Mena Airport and Arkansas Development Finance Authority. He slit his wrists, apparently, in the middle of his investigation.

18 – Paul Wilcher – Attorney investigating corruption at Mena Airport with Casolaro and the 1980 “October Surprise” was found dead on a toilet June 22, 1993, in his Washington DC apartment. Had delivered a report to Janet Reno 3 weeks before his death.

19 – Jon Parnell Walker – Whitewater investigator for Resolution Trust Corp. Jumped to his death from his Arlington , Virginia apartment balcony August 15, 1993. He was investigating the Morgan Guaranty scandal.

20 – Barbara Wise – Commerce Department staffer. Worked closely with Ron Brown and John Huang. Cause of death unknown. Died November 29, 1996. Her bruised, nude body was found locked in her office at the Department of Commerce.

21 – Charles Meissner – Assistant Secretary of Commerce who gave John Huang special security clearance, died shortly thereafter in a small plane crash.

22 – Dr. Stanley Heard – Chairman of the National  Chiropractic Health Care Advisory Committee died with his  attorney Steve Dickson in a small plane crash. Dr. Heard, in  addition to serving on Clinton‘s advisory council  personally treated Clinton’s mother, stepfather and brother.

23 – Barry Seal – Drug running TWA pilot out of Mena Arkansas, death was no accident.

24 – Johnny Lawhorn, Jr. – Mechanic, found a check made out to Bill Clinton in the trunk of a car left at his repair shop. He was found dead after his car had hit a utility pole.

25 – Stanley Huggins – Investigated Madison Guaranty. His death was a purported suicide and his report was never released.

26 – Hershell Friday – Attorney and Clinton fundraiser died March 1, 1994, when his plane exploded.

27 – Kevin Ives & Don Henry – Known as “The boys  on the track” case. Reports say the boys may have stumbled  upon the Mena Arkansas airport drug operation. A  controversial case, the initial report of death said, due to  falling asleep on railroad tracks. Later reports claim the 2 boys had been slain before being placed on the tracks. Many linked to the case died before their  testimony could come before a Grand Jury.

THE FOLLOWING PERSONS HAD INFORMATION ON THE IVES/HENRY CASE:

28 – Keith Coney – Died when his motorcycle slammed into the back of a truck, 7/88.

29 – Keith McMaskle – Died, stabbed 113 times, Nov, 1988

30 – Gregory Collins – Died from a gunshot wound January 1989.

31 – Jeff Rhodes – He was shot, mutilated and found burned in a trash dump in April 1989.

32 – James Milan – Found decapitated. However, the Coroner ruled his death was due to natural causes”.

33 – Jordan Kettleson – Was found shot to death in the front seat of his pickup truck in June 1990.

34 – Richard Winters – A suspect in the Ives/Henry deaths. He was killed in a set-up robbery July 1989.

THE FOLLOWING CLINTON BODYGUARDS ARE DEAD

35 – Major William S. Barkley, Jr.

36 – Captain Scott J . Reynolds

37 – Sgt. Brian Hanley

38 – Sgt. Tim Sabel

39 – Major General William Robertson

40 – Col. William Densberger

41 – Col. Robert Kelly

42 – Spec. Gary Rhodes

43 – Steve Willis

44 – Robert Williams

45 – Conway LeBleu

46 – Todd McKeehan

Quite an impressive list!

The public must become aware of what happens to friends of the Clintons!

HILLARY  FOR PRESIDENT?

…SURELY YOU JEST!

The part that gets me, is that no official investigation of these coincidences has ever been done?  I’m a bit of a paranoid pessimist…it goes with the job of spending all day trying to think of the worst thing that could ever happen and then come up with a plan to defend against that.

But one suicide is sad, two is a tragedy, three is really stretching a coincidence but eleven?  One of which supposedly shot herself in the back of the head???

And one decapitation that was ruled natural causes???  Damn!  I had no idea that our heads could just fall off!  Where’s my duct tape!!!

Nothing.

No where.

The ONLY place you’ll read about this list is on the internet.  The news articles are easy enough to find, but nobody puts them all together.

People, mind your vote!  It’s important!

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Leprechaun Laughs # 296 for Wednesday April 22nd 2015


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As you enter the Conference Room Lethal has his back to you and is talking on what appears to be a new phone.

No we’re secure. Yes it arrived Monday and I got it up and running Tuesday, I’m using Android now now more Apple. Right because I can encrypt the calls and files.

No everything is good on this end and back to normal. No I don’t think he suspects anything as yet. Well he really doesn’t have reason to now does he?

Hey now just wait one damned minute! We got the coffee pot and the supplies for it, he got a test run and Shade & Specter accomplished the other thing unnoticed and so far undiscovered while all eyes were on him so I don’t see where there is a down side here. Yes his methodology was a wee unusual but I warned you from the get-go that would be the case didn’t I? Oh plueeze! Weird(er) shit happens in Wal-Mart everyday have you never seen all those Walmatian photos? We managed to discover 4 of their operatives in the process to say nothing of turn over leads to the local LEOs on the gang of kids burglarizing all the cars in the mall lot.

Hey watch your mouth! He might be biddable, gullible, overzealous and eccentric to the point of toeing the line of bat shite crazy, but I’m NOT and he’s still MY FRIEND!  You’d do well to keep that in mind!  I didn’t like any of this to start with, but you were right when you pointed out they picked him we didn’t, so I agreed to go along provided he wasn’t hurt or made the patsy for anything.

Just remember that might be a good natured easy going dragon but its still an becomes a 5 ton Fire Breathing Pissed Off Saurian as well as the fact it is the Draconian Ambassador! Yes Tiamat signed off when I explained it to her, but her provisions were the same as mine.  As far as the costs go, the 5 Benjamin’s to the Wal-Mart Mgr & his Head of Store Security to figure out what we had, how it worked on its own and how best to employ it was cheap tuition.

Beside now that they think they know who we’re fielding they’ll be watching me and him and not looking for anyone else for a while so you got your wish in the long run tough nuts if you don’t like how it was delivered.

Lethal notices you folks with a start.

Hey my location is no longer secure I have to go. NO we will NOT be discussing this more later. You take what you get and like it or I’m out which means he’s out as since we’re both out that means you now longer have accommodations here either physically or professionally from me. I don’t do lackey, you want one of them get a Limey in a Morning coat they make damned fine lackeys. We ever have to have this sort of HR conversation again it will be more than just a bloody coffee pot that gives up it’s ghost we clear?

Lethal hangs up the phone and marches over to the podium.

Ah-hem morning folks. Just conducting a little uh…Mythical Diplomatic Missions Mall to the Mundane business while I waited for you. No need to bring anything you might have heard up in conversation with anyone, unless that is you’ve a hankering to join the Wild Hunt or find yourself being interrogated in Gitmo ok?

What’s that? Oh! The issue Banner! No worries plenty of coffee here for you guys. Yeah its been a heck of a week here first my iPhone 4S starts acting all schizophrenic on me, doing weird stuff and requiring several restarts a day. Then Thursday night my beloved Mr. Coffee with the thermal carafe decides its time to give up its ghost right in the middle of a T-storm while brewing a pot! Granted it had lived a good and full life being over 12 years old and working 7 days a week to crank out at least 2 pots or more.

Fortunately I was able to obtain a new a new pot with upgraded capacity and an all steel double walled vacuum carafe at an excellent price and very swiftly from Amazon. By moving up from 8 (measly 5 oz.) cup capacity to a full 12 cups I hope the need to run the pot will be reduced.

As for my phone I wasn’t due for a new one until October so we had to pop for the early upgrade thing. With the 30 payment plan this new one will be done just about the time my next contract would come up. On the up side I’m no longer running a generation to 1.5 generations behind I right up current with the technology. I ditched Apple and went Android so I can pass information cross platform between my tablet and phone much more easily. It looks like Impish may well follow my lead and get the same phone when his is up too.

I have to say however I never realized just how much of my life and business was on that thing until it came time to start figuring out how to move the information! My adjutants were all better looking but I think my phone does a better job of keeping me organized and on time provided I remember to feed it all the information it wants.

Speaking of which I still have a ton more to reenter so why don’t you guys enjoy the issue and I’ll catch up later with you. Remember, you heard nuthink! NUTHINK!

Let's Roll 26

 

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It’s Time You Cleaned Your Coffee Machine

Because it shouldn’t be that color on the inside

March 24, 2015

It’s Time You Cleaned Your Coffee Machine

Because it shouldn’t be that color on the inside

Name one thing you use daily–sometimes twice daily–but always forget to clean.

(OK, maybe we should have phrased that differently.)

We’re talking about your coffee machine. Your beloved salvation in the morning. Your beacon of hope. Well, it’s overdue for a scrubbing.

Take a look at this video for a simple way to do it.

Mine lasted as long as it did in part I’m convenience because I did this religiously, once a month and always used filtered water because the water down here is hard enough to give you a concussion if I throw a glass of it at you. Seriously! Once a month we have to clean toilets a second time with CLR (a calcium line & rust/iron remover) and soak shower heads in it, then pour the stuff from soaking the shower head down the drain and let it sit 10 minutes before flushing with water too.

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto  are camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
‘Mmm Kemo Sabe, look to sky, what you see?
‘The Lone Ranger replies, ‘I see millions of stars.’
What that tell you?’ asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
‘Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

  Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

  Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter Past three in the morning. 

  Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
  Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

  What’s it tell you, Tonto?’

“Mmm you dumber than an Obama voter. It means someone stole the tent”

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There that’s my contribution to the golf jokes for Poppa Dragon Most Senior!

Ringo Starr being inducted into Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

By The Associated Press Posted: 04/18/15, 11:37 AM EDT

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Ringo Starr poses for a portrait at The London Hotel, in West Hollywood, Calif. Already a member of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame as a Beatle, Starr will be inducted in April 2015, as an individual, joining John, Paul and George with that distinction. (Photo by John Shearer/Invision/AP)

 

 

CLEVELAND >> Ringo Starr was always behind the other Beatles.

Bobbing his head as he sat at his drum kit, Starr kept the steady backbeat for Paul McCartney, John Lennon and George Harrison, a once-in-a-century group that conquered the music world. Starr got fourth-billing, the adored and yet overlooked sideman to his more celebrated bandmates.

John, Paul, George … and Ringo.

Once he stepped from their shadows, Starr proved he could hold his own.

Forever a Beatle, Starr will enter the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame as a solo artist on Saturday, inducted along with an eclectic class of musicians.

Starr, who was previously enshrined with the Beatles in 1988, will be honored along with pop punks Green Day, soul singer-songwriter Bill Withers, underground-rock icon Lou Reed, bluesy guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan and Double Trouble, Joan Jett and The Blackhearts, The Paul Butterfield Blues Band and The “5’’ Royales.

When the Beatles split at the height of their fame, Starr decided to take a shot at being a frontman and surprisingly flourished with a string of radio hits, including “It Don’t Come Easy,” ‘’Photograph” and “You’re Sixteen,” singles that earned him new-found respect and popularity.

He wasn’t the artistic one, but Starr was the first of the “Fab Four” to have commercial success upon going solo.

Starr will be inducted by McCartney, who pushed for the drummer’s enshrinement after learning Starr was the lone Beatle not to be honored for his individual music. McCartney told Rolling Stone magazine that he and Lennon began writing songs for Starr because fans were so fond of him.

“We wrote the line, ‘What would you do if I sang out of tune?’ for him,” said McCartney, referencing the opening line to “With A Little Help From My Friends.” ‘’When you think about it, how many people in rock and roll can sing? But Ringo can deliver a song.”

So how does the famed drummer [who turns 74 July 7th] feel about finally being acknowledged by the hallowed Hall?

“Well, it’s about time,” Starr told ABC News with a laugh. “I think it’s beautiful. I do. I really think it’s beautiful, and it’s something for me to look forward to.”

Starr revealed that it was McCartney who informed him that he was getting the honor.

“He called, and he said, ‘They want to induct you into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and I’ll induct you. And will you accept?'” Starr recalled. “So I said, ‘Sure. Sure. We can have a night out.'”

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The Top 5 Signs You’re About to Get an IRS Audit Notice

  1. Last year, they sent a picture of your check to your bank. This year, you sent a picture of the money.
  2. The number of exemptions you claimed exceeded the IRS’ “Duggar Threshold”.
  3. You watched the IRS guy fill out the audit forms, and heard him telling his wife about it in bed that night (NSA employees only).
  4. You thought you could take a charitable deduction because your “masseuse” is named Charity.

And the Number One Sign You’re About to Get an IRS Audit Notice…

  1. H&R Block put you on the Do-Not-Resuscitate list.

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Aromatherapy: A scent that can ease anxiety, reduce stress, while at the same time promote the sensation of security, calmness, and well being.

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Yup I get a huge happy every time I smell burnt gunpowder!

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, with a warning
from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of
the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked…

In the middle of the project, there’s a knock at the door.
“Who is it?” calls one of the nuns.

“Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm
can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.

“Nice boobs,” says the man. “Where do you want the blinds?”

 

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Yesterday was the anniversary of the first photo snapped of Impish and my dear friend, Nessie or as some of you might know her the (alleged) Loch Ness Monster. In honor of the day Google make a nice little thing which I find far more likely than dear Nessie ever allowing her self to be caught on camera while skinny dipping in the Loch (she’s very proper and quite shy even with those of us who know her)

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Spring has (more or less) sprung. That means graduations, bridal/baby showers and picnics are all right around the corner. Here 3 awesome recipes to add to your dessert arsenal sure to make you a welcome guest at any summer event.

Recipe Warning

Carrot Cake with Marshmallow Fluff Cream Cheese Frosting

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Ingredients

1/4 cup melted unsalted butter, cooled, plus more for buttering pan
1 cup crushed pineapple, drained
3 large eggs
1/2 cup canola oil
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 pound carrots, peeled and grated on the small holes of the grater (about 3 cups, lightly packed)
2 teaspoons freshly grated ginger
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 1/2 cups organic cane sugar
1/2 cup lightly packed brown muscavado sugar
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1/8 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg
1 teaspoon salt
1/3 cup finely diced crystallized ginger
3/4 cup coarsely chopped toasted pecans

 

Cream Cheese Marshmallow Frosting:

8 ounces cream cheese, slightly softened
1 stick unsalted butter, slightly softened
1 pound organic powdered sugar, sifted twice
2 cups Fluff
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Butter and flour 2 (8-inch) round cake pans and line the bottoms with parchment paper. Butter the parchment well too.
Pulse the pineapple in a food processor fitted with a metal blade until it is finely chopped. Put the eggs in a bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment. Beat the eggs for 10 seconds. Add the oil, 1/4 cup melted butter, vanilla, carrots, chopped pineapple and grated fresh ginger and mix until combined.

Whisk together the flour, sugars, baking soda, cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg and salt in a bowl until combined. Add the wet ingredients and beat on low speed just until combined. Remove and fold in the crystallized ginger and pecans. Divide the batter between the 2 pans.

Bake until the tops are a very golden brown and a tester inserted in the center comes out with a few moist crumbs, 40 to 55 minutes. Let the cakes cool in the pans for 15 minutes, then invert them onto a wire rack and let them cool completely. Remove the parchment from the bottoms of each cake. Cool completely before frosting.

Frosting

Combine the cream cheese and butter in the bowl of the mixer and mix until light and fluffy. Add the powdered sugar and mix on low until combined. Increase the speed and whip until light and fluffy. Add about 2 cups of Fluff and the vanilla and whip until combined. Refrigerate for 15 minutes if too soft to use as frosting.

 

Chocolate Pound Cake

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Ingredients

1 cup (2 sticks) butter, room temperature, plus more for greasing the pan
3 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup cocoa
1/2 cup vegetable shortening
3 cups sugar
5 large eggs, room temperature
1 cup milk
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
Vanilla ice cream, for serving

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Grease a 10-inch tube pan with butter.
Sift the flour, baking powder, salt and cocoa together. Set aside.
With an electric mixer, cream the 1 cup butter, the shortening and the sugar until fluffy. Add the eggs one a time, beating well after each addition. With the motor running, add the flour mixture and the milk alternately, beginning and ending with the flour. Add the vanilla.
Pour the batter into the prepared pan and bake for 1 hour. Check for doneness by inserting a toothpick into the cake; it should come out clean. Cool the cake in the pan for 30 minutes before turning it out onto a wire rack to cool completely.
Slice the cake and serve topped with a scoop of vanilla ice cream.

Hummingbird Cake

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Ingredients

Unsalted butter, for greasing
2 3/4 cups all-purpose flour, plus more for dusting
1 cup pecan pieces
3 ripe bananas, chopped
1/2 cup finely chopped fresh pineapple
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1 1/4 teaspoons baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 large eggs, at room temperature
1 3/4 cups granulated sugar
1 cup vegetable oil

For the Frosting:

2 packages cream cheese (8 ounces each), at room temperature
12 tablespoons unsalted butter, cubed, at room temperature
2 cups confectioners’ sugar
1 tablespoon finely grated lemon zest
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Directions

Make the cake: Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Butter two 8-inch round cake pans and line with parchment paper. Butter the parchment and dust with flour.
Spread the pecans on a baking sheet and bake until fragrant and toasted, about 8 minutes. Let cool slightly, then roughly chop. Toss with the bananas, pineapple and 1/2 cup flour in a small bowl.
Whisk the remaining 2 1/4 cups flour, the cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, baking soda and salt in a bowl. Beat the eggs and granulated sugar in a separate bowl with a mixer on high speed until thick and light, 5 minutes. Gradually beat in the vegetable oil.
Sprinkle the flour mixture over the egg mixture, then gently fold to make a thick batter. Fold in the pecan-fruit mixture, then transfer the batter to the prepared pans. Bake until the cakes are firm and a toothpick inserted into the middle comes out clean, 50 to 55 minutes. Cool in the pans on a rack, 25 minutes, then invert the cakes onto the rack to cool completely.
Make the frosting: Beat the cream cheese in a large bowl with a mixer until fluffy, then gradually beat in the butter until combined. Sift the confectioners’ sugar over the cream cheese mixture and beat until smooth. Add the lemon zest and vanilla and beat until light and fluffy.
Place one cake layer on a serving plate. Spread about half of the frosting on top, then cover with the other cake layer. Spread the remaining frosting over the top and sides of the cake.

Personally I got to say I’m thinking as long as were going cream cheese frosting here there’s no point to stopping half way. Might as well move right on to the Marshmallow Fluff Cream Cheese one from above!

Jam Shortbread

Quick, Easy, Only Five Ingredients, Done in an hour keeps well outside or on a buffet & tastes good, what more can I say?

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Total Time: 1 hr.
Prep: 20 min
Cook: 40 min
Yield: 9 servings
Level: Easy

 

 

Ingredients

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1/3 cup sugar
Pinch of salt
10 tablespoons unsalted butter, at room temperature
6 tablespoons preserves (any flavor)

Directions

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. Line an 8-inch-square baking dish with aluminum foil, leaving an overhang. Whisk the flour, sugar and salt in a bowl. Work in the butter with your fingers to make a crumbly dough.

Refrigerate 2 tablespoons of the dough for topping. Press the remaining dough into the baking dish; freeze until firm, about 10 minutes.

Bake the crust, 15 minutes. Spread the preserves on top, leaving a 1/2-inch border; crumble the reserved dough on top. Return to the oven and bake until the edges are golden brown, 25 more minutes. Let cool 20 minutes, then lift out of the pan and cut into squares.

Double batches would not appear to be a problem with the correct size pan. Personally I’d use those tin foil 8×8 brownie pans for easy of transport, storage, serving & clean up.

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Monty Python and the Holy Grail: 3 Questions

 

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HAcked

This notice just in from Ginny, who says she got the heads up from her ‘computer guru’. Funny, I thought I was her computer guy! 

I have yet to get any calls or hear any chatter about this social engineering scam from my peers but that could simply be because it hasn’t made it this far south as yet, or Texans are just plain smarter than Jerseites (I offer Impish as proof of this theory), either way you’ve been warned!

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A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of
  a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

  The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a
  look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,

“Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?

  The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.
  The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this
  engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged,
  and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it
  that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7 million when you and I are doing basically
  the same work?

  The cardiologist paused, leaned over and whispered to the  mechanic,
“Try doing it with the engine running.”

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Tale of the IDIOT

When last we left our hero(?!) he was frustrated over and Enchanted Forest Board Meeting and displeased that more white stuff was falling from the sky.

Dragon Diaries Part Five

Got letter from aunt Kayath in Londonium, inviting me for a visit. Said yes, of course. Always wanted to travel. Great opportunity to meet new and different sorts of people and see how they taste!

Visiting aunt Kayeth. Went to Londonium bridge today. Ated troll underneath. Was told it was local delicacy. Not seeing it.

Just flew home from Londonium, and seriously dragon-lagged. Happy to be sleeping on my own hoard. Sparkly, sparkly, sparkzzzzzzzzzzz…

Cat told me it was SPRING! and went bouncing out the door looking for birdies. Then: Horrible Shriek. Came back covered in snow. Wake me in June. Zzzzzzz…

Just chatting with elf neighbor about awful snow in May weather. He said it could be worse. I ated him with extreme prejudice.

Woke up from dream about ateding a Tiamat’s Witness to find one knocking on door. Did logical thing. Ated him and went back to bed. Hoping to dream about entire troop of trollscouts…wearing chocolate.

Feeling very piraty today, put on eye patch and ated a frigate and three jolly boats. Delicious and nautical!

Timat’s witnesses at door. Started their spiel. BAM! The ground opens up underneath them and they’re sucked down into the Earth. May 21 = Best day ever!

Flying over forest and spied bridal party. Elvish maidens in sequins! Sparkly! Sparkly! Sparkly! Horde them? Ated them? Tough call…

Apparently it is election season. Several politicians have knocked on my door recently. Ated them. You’re welcome.

Woke up to find knight errant banging on door and demanding I come out and face him. Toasted and ated him. Self-delivering midnight snack FTW!

Stupid knights. Always give me heartburn if I don’t peel ‘em before ateding ‘em, but the shells are so deliciously crunchy.

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So nice and round and fully packed… what a Kishka eh Impish?

QUIET IN THE PERVERTS GALLERY!

She’s got an admittedly fine kabanza

Who Stole the Kishka?” (originally spelled “Who Stole the Keeshka?”) is a traditional polka tune, composed in the 1950s by Walter Solek and recorded and played by various bands. One popular version was familiar to American radio audiences from a 1963 recording by Grammy award-winning polka artist Frankie Yankovic.

A portion of the song includes three of various lyrics having to do with Polish foods, depending on who performs the song:

You can have my shinka
Take my sweet krusczyki
Take my plump pierogi
You can even have my serniczki
Take my long kielbasa

The verse ends with the pleading refrain “but please bring back my kishka.” Shinka is ham, while serniczki refers to cheesecakes.

Lep Skull & hat

Posted in Uncategorized | 6 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1431


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“Oh, this is so cool!  I wonder if I can get Lethal … I mean, Mr. G, to get me one of these!”

The screen on the computer showed some sort of flying device with lots of colored lights, switches and connectors.

“This is perfect!  Just what I need!”

A whirring/buzzing sound can be heard growing louder outside the French Doors leading to Impish’s personal balcony/landing pad at DL/LL HQ.

Suddenly the doors silently swing in as if he had used the remote he normally carried when landing on the patio. A small drone slowly flies in the room and does a half circle around him and his desk while maintaining its orientation on our blue friend.

 

Impish can make out a small camera which seems to be studying his facial features for a moment before the drone abruptly moves forward landing on the desk.  It sits there silently its four rotors having ceased spinning for a moment before there is a faint click and the sound of something small and metallic striking the desk.

 

Immediately the electric motor whine returns and the four rotors spin back to speed and the drone lifts up sliding sideways before flitting out the French doors almost faster than Impish can turn his neck to follow it. Just as the drone clears the threshold the French Doors are swinging closed and locking.

 

Turning his attention back to his desk you see a titanium cased weather proof USB Drive that was not there before. Impish notes the time, guess-ta-mates how long ago the drone sat down on his desk then opens a Yellow Page book turning to the page of the last two digits of the time. He then counts down the first two digits of the time in entries making note of the last 4 digits of the appropriate phone number as he has been taught.

 

These digits he carefully enters on the tiny numeric pad on the case of the USB Drive. A faint click is heard and the keypad momentarily blinks green. The end cap can now easily be removed and the drive inserted into his lap top after first air gapping it by disconnecting from the DL/LL Network and locking the office doors.

 

The screen immediately flares to life and a mechanical but faintly familiar voice comes from the Bluetooth ear piece he wears, narrating what he is viewing:

 

Good Morning Mr. Blue. Last night a critical piece of hardware for the operation of the D.R.A.G.O.N. HQ facility was destroyed in what we suspect was an act of sabotage by the forces of A.S.S.clip_image002 timed to coincide with serve thunder storms and their accompanying electrical disturbances of the power grid.

 

Our Oral Caffeination Inducing Unit (shown here) a critical component to the smooth operation of D.R.A.G.O.N HQ suffered irreparable catastrophic damage. We are currently running on a single dosage back up unit. This however is greatly impairing the efficiency and effectiveness of our operation(s) as well as severely impinging on morale.

 

A.S.S. has already anticipated this which is precisely the reason they chose to strike at this crucial piece of hardware.

 

Additionally this is having the effect of forcing more of our critical operation personnel to leave the safety of our secret HQ in search of caffeinated beverages at Starbucks locations which are known meeting places for local factions of A.S.S. Hipsters.

 

Your mission, whether you like it or not, is to escort and provide imagesecurity for the replacement Oral Caffenation Unit (shown here) insuring its safe arrival at our HQ location so that we can get our staff back up to maximum caffeine levels at the earliest possible moment thereby safe guarding our staff from potential kidnapping threats and preventing A.S.S’s Hipsters from gaining any valuable Intel from our caffeine deprived agents.

 

As usual, if you are caught or killed  you will be either thought insane and committed to the Nucking Futz Psychiatric Center for the Syphilitically Drain Bramaged, or a Napolitano Home Grown Right Wing Conservative Terrorist in which case you’ll go back to a certain cell in a certain Cigar and Rum producing Caribbean Island.

 

In either event D.R.AG.O.N. will be too crippled by Acute chronic caffeine deficiency and too pissed off at you to make any attempt to rescue you. Should you manage to return to us but fail the mission, it’s back to the Hokey-Pokey Facility for an extend reorientation session followed by forced entry into our Failed Agents Protection Program where you’ll spend the rest of your life in a Siberian Labor Camp working as a ten Ruble a dance Drag Queen.

 

Your handler Mr. Green will be in contact for any additional support you may need.

 

Oh one more thing- on your way back we’re in need of the standard consumables for use with the Oral Caffeination Inducing Unit. Pick some up will you?

 

BTW as the FNG it wouldn’t hurt for you to spring for a few dozen donuts either, Rookie.

 

This USB Drive will wipe all the Pie Porn from your hard drive and then self-destruct before you can yank it out.

 

Good luck Mr. Blue, don’t screw up your rookie outing.

 

FITZZZZ!

 

As smoke rises from the USB plug Impish exclaims, “My first mission!  My very first solo mission.”  He starts humming the theme song to Mission Impossible, beginning to cough from the acrid smoke pouring from the computer.  It seems the USB drive caught the rest of the laptop on fire and the smoke is rising in the room.  With the doors and all the windows closed and locked the room is beginning to fill up with smoke and Impish is having more and more trouble breathing.

 

“My first (cough!) mission (cough!) I can’t (choke) believe (Hack!) they are trusting (cough!) with this (gasp!) important …”

 

The desk is now burning fiercely as the smoke alarm is going off.  Impish is unconscious on the floor but is soon woken by the sprinkler system that completely soaks the room.  As the dragon wakens he sees Terrence walking through the room with a respirator over his face mumbling, “Stupid damn dragon; doesn’t know damn-well enough to pull the damn self-destructing USB thumb drive from the damn computer before setting the damn room on fire.”  Terrance moves to the French doors on the balcony and throws them open as the fumes rush out of the room and into the night sky.

As Impish sits up on the floor and looks up at Terrence, the Troll removes his face mask and asks, “Shall I make up the alternate bedroom for you, sir?”

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Lethal sent this to me because I’m so deserving:

7c

 

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In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly, somewhat ragged man were sitting. The girl looks like she’s having some discomfort so her boyfriend asks her, “What’s wrong honey?”

She replies, “My head hurts.

“Her boyfriend kisses her forehead, and asks her, “Is it better now?”

“Yes,” she says.

Then he asks, “Does it hurt somewhere else?”

“Here,” she replies, pointing to her lips.

So the boyfriend kisses her lips. “Is it better now?”

“Much better.”

“Anywhere else?”She replies by pointing to her neck. So the boyfriend kisses her neck.

Annoyed at the pitiful public display, the elderly man asks the young man, “Excuse me pal, do you do hemorrhoids?”

 

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Today I had to go to Orchard Supply Hardware.
As I approached the entrance, I noticed a driver looking for a parking  space.
I flagged the driver and pointed out a handicap parking space that was open  and available.

The driver looked puzzled, rolled down her window and said, “I’m not  handicapped!”
Well, as you can imagine, my face was red!

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I said. “I saw your I’m “Ready for Hillary” bumper sticker and just assumed  that you suffer from a mental disorder.”

She gave me the finger and screamed some nasty names at me.

Boy! Some people don’t appreciate it when you’re just trying to help them  out!

 

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Let’s see…witty or sarcastic comment about this picture…. yeah, I got nuthin’.

 

This is GREAT!!!!

You Tell ‘Em Friday!!!!

 

 

All you youngsters out there take notice of this next joke!

An old geezer, (Probably Paul) who  had been a retired fireman for a long time, became very bored and decided to open  a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said:Dr. Paul Geezer’s clinic. “Get  your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000.”
Doctor “Young,”  who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought  this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr.  Geezer’s clinic.

This is what transpired.

Dr. Young: — “Dr.  Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth.” can you please help me ??

Dr.  Geezer:  —  “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3  drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”

Dr. Young: — Aaagh !! — “This is  Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That  will be $500.”

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of  days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: “I have lost my memory, I  cannot remember anything.”

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from  box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor Young:  “Oh  no you don’t,  —  that is Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer:  “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

Dr.  Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more  days.

Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak  —  I can  hardly see !!!!

Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so  —  ” Here’s your $1000 back.”

Dr. Young: “But this is only  $500…”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That  will be $500.”

Moral of story  —  Just because you’re “Young”  doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old “Geezer ” !!!!

(There you go Paul.  I thought you’d appreciate it if we gave you a good part in a joke every now and then.)
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Yup, my favorite line at work: “I’m from the government, I’m here to help.” It rarely bestows confidence in my work.

 

Impish has made his way to three of the best, undercover acquisition locations that were taught to him in Spy-Craft 101.  He found the “Standard Consumables” easily enough at Walmart and at a fairly decent price.  He even found a whole display of Krispy Kreme Donuts and loaded all of it into the side car of Blue Dragon 3. 

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As he was moving through location #2, Target, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was being watched.  Going down wrong aisles, quickly changing directions, and hiding in blind aisles waiting for someone to catch up with him, he was unable to locate anyone who might have been watching him run his mission. 

 

He was unable to acquire the caffeine dispensing thingamajig at Target and went back out to Blue Dragon 3.  As he climbed into the seat, he noticed all his consumables, including the donuts, had been removed from the open sidecar.

 

“Aha!  I am being watched!  Some evil A.S.S. operative has stolen my high priority package.  I’ll not let that happen again!”

 

As he left the parking lot, he failed to notice the two teenage boys sitting on a bench near the Target entrance eating his donuts.

 

He immediately went to his third location and went inside Best Buy and although moving quite quickly and evasively, the Customer Service Technician eventually found what he needed, wrapped the caffeine dispensing device and he carefully, brought it out and put it in the sidecar. 

“How am I going to go back to location #1, get the consumables that I need, without falling into the obvious trap A.S.S. has set for me?  I can’t leave the device in the sidecar… Aha!  I’ve got it!”

 

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Freedom is NOT Free.  Watch this video and think about how far we’ve fallen in just a few short years.  My God, we need to bring this spirit back alive in our country.

Please pass this on to as many people as you can.

 

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I dream of Jeannie!

 

And since we’re discussing Fantasy, here’s my response to the Man from D.R.A.G.O.N. theme music.  This is Hydra by Toto.  Listen to the words!

“Hydra”

There was a man
Who walked alone
Searching for the girl who had just caught his
“I was a fool!” he cried
His mind had wandered
He blinked and the sky moved ever so slightly
He searched the city
She was nowhere to be found
Meanwhile she was floating downward, downward

Do you want your freedom
Do you want my love
Do you want your freedom
From the one you’re thinking of

There lies a lady
Naked and yet not knowing it
A spell had chained her heart forever
Pray upon by the wolves in Times Square
Feel into an abyss of thin air
Innocence caged in sanctuary
There sat the Dragon Lord
Playing solitairy
Defying the rules the holy boys leap Hell’s Kitchen

Do you want your freedom
Do you want my love
Do you want your freedom
From the man who lives above

Suddenly a voice was heard
In a flash the brave young man appeared
The Dragon Lord will cut him with his tail
Chased him to the stairway
Caught him halfway to the top
Sent him whirling down 
Fireballs, summer solstice
The Dragon Lord descended down on him
She turned to look but saw only darkness silence

You don’t want your freedom
You don’t want my love
You don’t want your throat cut
By the same I’m thinking of

 

Okay, so maybe not suitable for a theme song, but still one of my favorites.

 

1368

 

 

A couple came upon a wishing well.

 
The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
 
The wife decided to make a wish, too, but she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
 
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said… “Cool…It really works!”
7

 

 

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Okay, here’s five more funny ones for you military types.

8k

You gotta love honesty in advertising.

 

8l

As much as it pains me to say this, there’s probably a lot of truth to that one.  gun2

 

 

 

8m

Now, that’s more like it.  And a phrase we used many, many times.

 

8n

Yes.  Yes he does.  and that was my job, to put bombs, missiles and bullets in that bad-boy.

 

8o

‘Nuff said about that!

 

Okay, so one more for good luck:
8p

Yup, and the college educated pilot will write up that the aircraft had an inadvertent release and it will become one of my guys, with a high school diploma, to try and figure out what actually happened.  The correct response should be, short between the headset.

 

As Lethal brought up on Tax Day… or um… Wednesday.  I’m sorry.  I heard some of you sob when I said that.  Ahem.  As Lethal said on Wednesday, Hillary has thrown her hat in the ring, so I believe it’s time for an unabashed view of Mrs. Clinton.  You can thank dear Maggie, the sweet little Irish Lass for these:

4f

4g

4h

4i

4j

A Honeymoon Question
A young couple are undressing on their honeymoon night, when the nervous groom asks his naive bride: “Honey, have you ever been, like, um, you know,…. fucked before?”
 
BRIDE: “Does voting for Obama count?
1369

“So, I went in through the front automatic doors, down the aisle ways with my bike, threw all the packages into the sidecar without having to stop, I even managed to get the donuts after I extricated myself from that pile of cans of baked beans that I ran into while reaching for the filters.”  Impish was being debriefed by Lethal Leprechaun after his mission.

 

“You road Blue Dragon #3 through Walmart?”

 

“Yeah, and I even managed to evade two A.S.S. operatives in the store!  Can you believe that one was dressed as the manager and the other as store security?” 

He smiles large at the Leprechaun.

 

“Those were the Store Manager and Store Security.”

 

“Well, I did manage to throw the cashier a hundred dollar bill to cover the stuff.”

 

“You threw her a ten dollar bill and that doesn’t even begin to cover the damage.”

“But, I accomplished my first mission!”

 

“That you did, Impish…that you did.”

Impish leaves the briefing singing:

 

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a32

a33

a34

♪♫One of these things is not like the other.  One of these things does not belong.♫♪

a35

 

a36

 

In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
 
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.
 
The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, “What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?”
 
Yep, these are the same kinds of 18-year-olds that are now voting in our elections! They breed, and they walk among US… Lord — we need more help than we thought we did!
 
No wonder half of graduating college students can’t find a job!
4

 

After  being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said: Let me see if I’ve got this right. You want me  to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits,  censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning. You want me  to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self-esteem and personal pride.You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair  play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams.You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their  handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.You want me to do all this, and then you tell me……
 
 
 
I CAN’T PRAY?

 

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We are still working on our Holy Shit Motivationals.  What do you say we go a little long this week and finish them off?  Yeah, I thought you’d like that.

Holy S14

Holy S15

Holy S16

Holy S17

Holy S18

Holy S19

Holy Shit

And that closes out the Holy Shit Motivationals…sigh…I’m sad they’re gone.  They were fun.  Next week will bring us some new Motivationals.

1371

 

1372

1373

 

Let us pray………………….

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,4c
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk

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This one comes from my dad.  You know that both Lethal and I have advocated for this in the past, but this one goes just a little bit further and makes a couple of additional points that I liked enough to share it here:

To Pee or Not To Pee…

–I have a job
–I work, they pay me.
–It’s a pretty good system that’s been going on for a long time.
–I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.
–In order to get that paycheck, in my case, I am required to pass a random urine test (with which I have no problem).
–What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don’t have to pass a urine test.
–So, here’s my question: Shouldn’t one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?
–Please understand, I have no problem helping people get back on their feet.  I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their butt – doing drugs, while I work.
–Can you imagine how much money each state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?
–I guess we could call the program “Urine or You’re Out!”
–Here’s another thought: Shouldn’t all politicians have to pass a urine test, too?  How about passing an intelligence test, a common sense test and most importantly, an Understanding the Constitution Test!
–If you agree with this, then please pass it on.  If not….well…you’re probably not reading this blog any more anyway.
–Some things have to change in this country…AND SOON!!!

z2

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Posted in Uncategorized | 7 Comments

Leprechaun Laughs # 295 for Wednesday April 15th 2015


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You’re in a rush this morning carrying reams of papers and receipts looking to avail yourself of Lethal’s annual generous offer of help you with hiding your income from the government filing your federal income taxes and seeing you pay your fair & just share for others to freeload off. To your horror the room looks nothing like what you have come to expect the issue before Tax Day, in fact its not any different than normal.

The only non-normal thing you see is the discussion going on on the dais between Lethal & Friday on one side and Impish Ginny & Diaman on the other. The point of contention seems to be a list of requests or requisitions from Impish related to his new status as an Agent for D.R.A.G.O.N. Code Name: Mr. Blue- Ice Blue.

Requisitions already? You haven’t even done agent training or gotten an assignment as yet! OK! OK Lemme see what you have. Bloody Beggorah! That many? good thing I’m prepared! Friday haul out that stamp I told you we were going to need.

Friday starts stamping the requisition forms before passing them to Lethal who reviews them and makes notations in the stamped area before handing them back to Impish.

(Lethal sighs mightily) Ok let’s have at it…Request for your own Titanium AmEx or access to mine when I deny you your ownDENIED!  Lethal ticks off the appropriate box on stamped area and adds a notation. You’re getting a prepaid debit card and liking it. This isn’t a low budget operation, it’s a no budget operation until we steal some bad guy assets. Only enough money for each op is getting added to the card. Next!

Requisition for a new wardrobe of you and Agents D & G? Hmm well I can see where the ladies will need some classy evening wear, several LBDs and the like you have a point. Yes I agree your human form will need a tuxedo, several full suits, slacks and sports jackets. Appro…

BUDGET $50,000 pounds sterling??!! WTF you planning on shopping Hong Kong? Savile Row in London?!DENIED!DENIED! 

You’ll go to Lord & Taylor & Men’s Wearhouse. Dontworryboutit- You’re gonna like the way you look. The ladies will have to do with Sax Fifth Avenue and Kohl’s though I will approved a $500 trip for each to Victoria’s Secret. Stacy London and Clinton Kelly from what not to wear will be accompanying the appropriate sexes to make sure you look the part without breaking my bank. YEs Impish you do have good taste-when it comes to food not clothes. Push it and its going to be Target and Kmart your shopping capiche? Good. Next!

Transportation Requisition- Aston Martin DB-8 for personal use or access to my Maybach Exelero?! Are you INSANE?! That car is a one off! Literally the only one! Especially after I had it customized even further!– DENIED!

I’ll let you have use of that V-6 modified Opel GT with the Viper body kit in my collection. The one with the full body skirts and flares and the custom spoiler. They used to be called the poor man’s Vette anyhow so it fits. Bells and whistles? OK I’ll pop for a full first aid kit, a Tom-Tom and have D-Star installed. D-Star? Think OnStar sort of only run by D.R.A.G.O.N. No no Siri, you get connected to Agatha the Asura at the switch board. Sure you know her! Snake tail, curvaceously killer fit body, 4 buff arms, fangs, talons and forked tongue? Yup she’s the voice behind D-Star. Next!

Request of suggestions/approval of signature flairs/trademarks/colorful personality traits for Mr. Blue identity. Cited precedent references to James Bond, Tony Stark, Our Man Flint, Napoleon Solo, Mike Hammer and Spencer for Hire. Harrumph! You forget Austin Powers? Deliberately omitted? Might I ask why? Afraid of the possibility of walking to a harem of Virginal Fembots?! Well ok, I guess I can see that being a remote possibility as well as a potential weakness for you, so points for thinking ahead.

Look, I’ve got an issue to get started here  and the rabble readers are getting ugly frantic about the apparently lack of my free tax preparation facilities/advice. They’re probably scared due to the pervasive rumors going around about the Infernal Revenue having gotten access to alien tech form Area 51. Allegedly they’re using those not so imaginary Alien Anal Probes during audits in an attempt to locate hidden untaxed assets.

ROFL! You’re right Impish it DOES elevate the term audit trail to a whole new level! LMBO! OK let me think about this request until we get the announcements over and the issue started and then we can get back to these requisitions. Give me 10 minutes don’t go anyplace.

Good morning Ladies and Gentleman of the readership and RELAX ALREADY!

Taxes are simply being done in a different location due to the construction and our current Big Nosey Brother security problems. You received a number as you walked in you’ll be called in groups of 20 by those numbers and taken to the tax prep area once the issue is under way.

Several people join Lethal on stage,  you recognize the nondescript and faceless appearance of Chief of Security Noname.  Beside him stands his doppelganger or clone, (when dealing with the mythical community one is never quite sure which), next to them stand three figures dressed in grey monks robes with their cowls up and faces obscured.

Before that happens I have a few announcements:

Owing to the recent upsurge in his work load due to the increase of incursions and security violations all this expansion has brought on Noname’s twin brother Nobody will be joining him as assistant Head of Security. His office will be in the Gateway Building to our new recreation facility.

Additionally because of the increased size of our security staff and the future workload increases we foresee for Noname & Nobody, we’ve hire four Security Specialist Supervisors to assist with the  day to day security operations. Please meet Messrs. Specter, Shade & Revenant. Unfortunately the fourth Mr. Ghost was unable to make himself manifest for this meeting.

That concludes the announcements thank you for you kind attention and patience. Now if there is nothing furth… Paul B.? A question? The Alien Anal Probe rumors? Well as of now they are only that- just rumors. What if someone get audited, well we’ll send someone to answer questions about the preparation free of charge just like every other year. Probed during auditing? No I don’t expect that my experts are about to submit to that on anyone’s behalf. OH! YOU want to volunteer to be probed if it comes up! I see! I always knew there was something slightly off about you Paul! Please mention it to your tax preparer you kinky SOAB!

Now if there is nothing further Impish is anxious to burry me under another pile of requisitions I’m sure. Please enjoy the issue and someone will be here shortly to escort the first group to my tax prep specialists.

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Tax Day Freebies 2015: Get Free Burgers, Cookies & More on April 15 (McDonalds, Deals & Coupons)

Itemizing all those receipts before filing taxes can be pretty soul-crushing. Why not enjoy some discounts and freebies?

A slate of companies — most of them restaurant chains — offer annual rebates on and around April 15. And putting aside whether the whole thing is a cheap marketing gimmick or not, free froyo and a pro bono back massage sound pretty sweet.

Here’s a list of places offering a break even if Uncle Sam doesn’t:

Don’t forget! You still have time to File your Taxes Online for FREE! Get all the details on Free Tax Filing for your state and File your Federal Returns online for Free as well!

Hard Rock Cafe will give you a free Local Legendary Burger, but first you have to literally sing for your supper — specifically, an entire rock song (lyrics will be provided) onstage. Worth it?

McDonald’s: Big Macs and Quarter Pounders are buy one, get one for just $0.01 on April 15 at select McDonald’s locations.

Olive Garden: A buy one, take one deal gets customers two entrées from a select menu starting at just $12.99. Or you can claim a coupon good for $6 off a dinner for two here.

Great American Cookies is sweetening Tax Day with one free sugar cookie per customer in stores, no purchase necessary.

McDonald’s customers who buy one Big Mac or Quarter Pounder with Cheese can get another for only a penny.

Pizza Hut is offering free pies … sort of. You have to file a “P-2″ form, which asks you, among other questions, to calculate your “Net Pizza Consumption” and submit it for a chance to receive Pizza Hut gift cards in the amount of your net pizza return.

Sonic is offering half-price cheeseburgers all day.

Schlotzsky’s will give away one free small original sandwich (packed with ham, salami, cheddar, black olives and more) per customer with the purchase of a 32-ounce drink and a bag of chips.

California Tortilla is handing out free chips and queso or salsa to anyone who makes a purchase and says the secret password: “Taxes Shmaxes” — the chain prefers that you say it “in a bored, funny voice” to make it more “fun.”

Boston Market fans can grab two meals for the price of one, whether it be a whole sandwich, salad bowl or other entree option.

Bruegger’s Bagels: Get a Bagel Bundle that includes 13 bagels and two cream cheese tubs for just $10.40 from April 11 to April 15 with a coupon sent to members of Bruegger’s Bagels’ eClub.

Burger King: Use this coupon to claim a buy one, get one free offer on Whoppers through April 19.

Outback Steakhouse: Celebrate the end of taxes with a steak dinner, and use this coupon to get 15 percent off at checkout through May 3.

Sonny’s BBQ is offering half-priced rib dinners (usually $12.50).

BLT Prime & BLT Steak locations are offering half off all alcoholic beverages.

Orange Leaf Frozen Yogurt‘s fans can fill up a container with froyo (up to 16 oz.) and as many toppings as that cup can physically hold for only $4.15. “Like” Orange Leaf on Facebook and claim the offer when it’s posted on April 14 — print the confirmation or show it on your smartphone at the store.

Tax Day Food Discounts:

Savvy shoppers should head to the grocery store on April 15 since Whole Foods will not be charging customers sales tax on purchases made on Tax Day. For some customers, this could be a nice bit of savings since tax rates vary across the country. Check with your local Whole Foods store to be sure that they are participating.

Want a discount on food? Try P.F. Chang’s. This chain is offering 15% off food, dine-in or take out, on April 15. The 15% discount is not available on Happy Hour specials or alcoholic beverages. IHOP lets kids eat free every night in April between the hours of 4 P.M. and 10 P.M., so take your tax deductions (age 12 and under) out to dinner for free on April 15 or any other night in April.

Subway customers in select markets in North Carolina and Virginia (Greenville, Greensboro, Wilmington, Raleigh, Richmond, and Norfolk) can save some bucks on subs at Subway during their Tax Day customer appreciation day. On Thursday, April 15 only, sub lovers in those markets can avail themselves of a buy one foot long, get one free deal.

Chik-Fil-A – watch their Facebook page for annual event specifics (participating restaurants only)

Chili’s – watch their Facebook page for annual event specifics

16 Tax Day Deals From Retailers Like Staples and Express In addition to Tax Day food freebies and deals, GOBankingRates also found a number of offers from retailers. We found the most offers on apparel, as well as sports and outdoor gear, books, and office suppliers.

  • Alloy: A RetailMeNot-exclusive code, AVDRMN, gets shoppers 15 percent to 30 percent off purchases, with shoppers saving more as they spend more. Offer valid through April 30.
  • Ann Taylor: Get 25 percent off full-price items with the coupon code ANNT3BE, good through April 30.
  • Babies”R”Us: Shoppers can use this coupon to get $8 off Pampers or Huggies value boxes of diapers, valid through April 30.
  • Barnes & Noble: With taxes out of the way you might have time to catch up on your reading. If so, use coupon code X8W8L3A when shopping online to get 20 percent off a single item through May 1; exclusions apply.
  • Bon-Ton: Use this coupon to get $25 off when spending $75 or more through April 30.
  • Cabela’s: Shoppers can save online only during the Cyberwalk Sale, which has sporting gear and outdoor equipment marked down up to 60 percent through April 15.
  • Carter’s: Get 25 percent off purchases of $40 and up with code OKSP1514.
  • Dress Barn: Get 20 percent off a purchase by using promo code MMAR20 through April 21.
  • Express: Use coupon code 9068 online or this coupon in store to get 15 percent off through April 30. Some exclusions apply.
  • Finish Line: Through April 30, get $10 off purchases of $100 or more with coupon code APRIL10.
  • Foot Locker: Get 10 percent off when spending $50 or more online when you use code LKS10AFD through April 30.
  • Gap: Shoppers will get $25 of GapCash for every $50 spent through April 26 that can be redeemed May 13 through May 17.
  • HydroMassage: You can get a free HydroMassage experience with this coupon, valid April 13 through April 17.
  • Justice: Get 40 percent off an entire purchase through April 16 by presenting this coupon at checkout.
  • L.L.Bean: Get a $10 gift card for every $50 spent through April 19.
  • Lane Bryant: Save up to $75 with code APRILGCLB through April 22. Savings are tiered by purchase minimums; spending $75 yields a $25 discount, $150 gets you $50 off or $75 off $225.

 

 

 

Which M*A*S*H Character Are You?

April 10 marks the anniversary of Harry “Col. Sherman Potter” Morgan’s birth in 1915 as well as of Larry “Maj. Frank Burns” Linville’s death in 2000, and we’re remembering them with a quiz. Are you a Hawkeye or a Hot Lips? Col. Potter or Col. Blake? Take our M*A*S*H personality quiz and find out which character from the book, movie or TV show best matches you.

http://www.legacy.com/news/did-you-know/which-mash-character-are-you/1954/

I came out BJ Hunnicutt if you can believe that one!

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Ok Impish thanks for being patient. I’ve considered your request of suggestions/approval of signature flairs/trademarks/colorful personality traits for Mr. Blue identity and I know you well enough to know how you think and operate. This one is going to be a real sticking whining point with you isn’t it. Ah-huh! See?! There’s the tell right there! The beaten puppy look and you’re attempt to inflate you lower lip to 80 PSI and make it quiver while whimpering!

Stow it though its not going to work, I’m already on to you. Besides I’ve decided I agree with you on this. However I don’t see you as any of those presidents you cited. If I had to pick one? Maxwell Smart. MIND THE LIP INFLATION- you bloody well asked after all! OK lets get down to specifics shall we?

Overall theme: Hmm damned difficult since all the obvious ones have been done. I know! STEAMPUNK! You’re an aficionado right? PERFECT! I don’t think there’s ever been a Steampunk themed spy before and it should make for great comedy ah…err I mean cover.

However this is going to require some adjustment to things. Like what? Well no more Opel GT Viper for one, you’ll drive Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang instead. More in with the persona’s overall theme and besides it also cover short range and and water transportation as well. Don’t worry! We’ll figure out how to get D-Star in there in as Steampunk a manner as possible. One of those old Bridge to Engineering Voice Tubes should hide the electronics quite nicely and we’ll just rig the navigation to display on the windscreen. Hmm I’ve quite a collect of those old nixie digital number vacuum tubes, maybe we can digitize her dash for you.

Guess your clothes are going to require rethinking too. NO! NOT HARRODS EITHER! I see a lot of hipster & thrift stores in your future looking for Victorian era style wear. I’ll put a couple of the Fae from Purchasing on it since they are about as addicted to shopping as you were to pies. You need a cloak or better yet a Duster, maybe something like Nathan Fillian’s Brown Coat from Firefly.

Also give me back those airline cards I got you. OH QUITCHERBITCHIN ALREADY! You’re getting feckling up graded! NO, I’m not reconsidering your request for Thunderbird 2 as your personal transport! That doesn’t even exist! They were puppets! The whole model was only 1.5 foot long! Something I was playing with for the next Hot Air Balloon Festival- half hot air balloon and half Zeppelin with a huge dragon shaped crew and passenger compartment under it. Think that bad remake of the Wild Wild West with Will Smith. Ah! See? Your liking it already!

Theme song well the obvious choice is just ludicrous, no not the rapper! I mean we can’t be as obvious as to use Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang now can we? Hmm we need something that says both Steampunk & danger. Here this should do nicely-

“O’ Dead Armoured Sky” by The Synthetic Dream Foundation

 

Signature drink: Let see you’re a Dragon so lets go with a Dragon’s Breath. It’s based of a Prairie Fire which is a jigger of tequila and 10 drops of Tabasco. For our drink it’s a 4/5 jigger of Everclear Grain alcohol and 1/5 Jamaican Scotch Bonnet Pepper sauce neat.

Watch with cool tricks in it: a little hard to do with it having to be Steampunk and all. I’ll see about putting an apple watch inside a pocket watch case or something like that. Maybe I can hide a Bluetooth head set in your goggles somehow to go with it. Make sure it takes pictures too? I’m not sure iWatches do that, but your fountain pen will along with write and dispense either acid or poison.

You want the car to talk to you? Like KITT in Knight Rider in case you get lonely? Dude you’ll have the Nav system and D-Star. IF you’re going to be that lonely I’ll assign you a partner/pet  either a Ninja cat, Brutus has been making noise about getting out of the complaint department and stretching his claws so to speak or Sylvia the Sphinx, which do you prefer? A little alone time never hurt anyone? Good choice!

Personal private code like Our Man Flint? Dude seriously? You speak what 4 different mythical languages not counting Dragonese? Just use one already-instant code! What ASS has evil mythical creatures on their side already? I suppose its possible, I mean I wouldn’t put it past Harpies to be working for them. I know, just use your Jersey accent while speaking the mythical language. Hell half the US can’t understand English spoken with a Jersey accent so we should be good to go then.

Really cool personal weapon (cites reference to Man From Uncle pistols) got you covered dude and its already Steampunked out.

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You’d better take damned fine care of it too because it holds a special place in my heart, see it’s the first weapon I ever designed under my Armageddon Advanced Armaments label. What’s it do? Well it will do a lot of different thing depending on how its set, but for now I’ve locked it in its safest non deadly mode- The Somnambulizer.

The Somnambulizer? Well it sort of puts people to sleep but a sleep level where they are more biddable and mobile. Sort of umm…like sleepwalking. They’re asleep but they’ll follow limited brief instructions. You can’t make them drive 100 miles home and go to bed but you could shoot a guy in a hallway and make him go back to his office and sleep for a couple hours. Or you could shoot a guard and have him remain standing at his post asleep and oblivious as long as you don’t wake him or startle him. Understand?

NO!-NOT-LIKE-THAT!-THE-OTHER-WAY! THAT’S-BACKWAYS!-KEEP-YOUR- FINGER-OFF…the trigger…. WHUMP! Clatter (Lethal sighs disgustedly and retrieves the weapon) Impish! You’ll get up off the floor and dance the Stroll all the way back to your office where you’ll curl up on your daybed and nap until lunch time. Do it now please.

Impish picks himself up off the floor and proceeds to to the 50’s line dance The Stroll out of the Conference Room and as evidenced by the giggles on down the hall to the elevator. Lethal mutters to himself while making notes to revisit MR Blue’s theme song and perhaps change it to the more appropriate “Wipeout”

 

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Well I had thought to keep this header under wraps for a few more months but since yet another clowns has declared early I guess I can’t wait any longer.

Kentucky Tea Party’s Rand Paul joins 2016 presidential race

I’ll let you read the article if you want I’m only going to quote the 2 paragraphs that made his announcement, to me comment worthy:

Perhaps reflecting the challenges he faces in convincing his critics he deserves the nomination, Paul is also leaving open the door to a second term in the Senate. With the backing of his state’s senior senator, Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, Paul is likely to seek the White House and the Senate seat at the same time.

One of his likely presidential rivals, Sen. Marco Rubio of Florida, has said he would not double-dip on the ballot. He is expected to announce next week that he will skip a Senate re-election bid in 2016 in favor of putting everything into a presidential campaign.

Double dipping smacks of professional politician something founding fathers never envisioned or would have agreed with and a certain level of insincerity and lack of belief in his chances. If that’s so, then why is he throwing his name in the ring in the first place?

Republican Rubio starts White House bid, says ‘uniquely qualified’

(Reuters) – U.S. Senator Marco Rubio of Florida told top donors on Monday that he will run for the White House because he is “uniquely qualified” to represent the Republican Party in the 2016 presidential race, a source familiar with the matter said.

Rubio, a son of Cuban immigrants who rode the anti-establishment Tea Party wave of 2010 to national prominence, will formally announce his presidential bid later on Monday with a speech at Miami’s Freedom Tower.

Rubio’s support registers in single digits in opinion polls of the likely contenders in what is expected to be a crowded Republican presidential field. But aides believe Rubio, who was on 2012 nominee Mitt Romney’s short list for vice president, will rise when voters take a closer look at him.

He will be the third Republican to formally announce a White House bid, following Republican Senators Ted Cruz of Texas and Rand Paul of Kentucky.

While he owes his success to the Tea Party movement, Rubio also has drawn support from more traditional party elements as well as the libertarian-leaning network assembled by billionaire Charles and David Koch.

His effort to overhaul the United States’ immigration system could be a sticking point for Republican conservatives, many of whom view any move to grant legal status to undocumented workers as “amnesty.”

Rubio worked with Senate Democrats to pass a sweeping immigration reform bill in 2013 that bolstered border security and guest-worker programs with a pathway to citizenship for those now in the country illegally. The measure died in the Republican-controlled House of Representatives.

Rubio now says any immigration reforms must be passed piece by piece, with border security coming first, a position more in line with other Republican lawmakers. But he talks frequently about the central role immigrants play in revitalizing the United States.

Between Rubio & Cruz it seems like the Cubans what their turn for a minority President handing them all the things they have wanted while others pay for it.

Hillary Clinton enters 2016 race

Again read it if you’d like I’m just going to quote a pertinent section and make my comment about that and add 2 thoughts:

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio, a longtime Clinton ally who managed her campaign for Senate in 2000, said Sunday that he was in no rush to endorse her.

De Blasio said he would wait to endorse any Democrat “until I see an actual vision of where they want to go.” Speaking on NBC’s “Meet the Press,” he offered kind words for Clinton, but added, “We need to see the substance.”

My Comment: Wow! Major league bad starting sign when one of your former campaign managers won’t back you!

My Two Thoughts:  Benghazi & Email gate. Can she really be trusted as President?

You know in retrospect I just might have to change the name of this feature from “Clown in Chief Campaign” to “The Usual Suspect Suspects Line Up for the Presidency

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Indiana Governor Mike Pence signed the Religious Freedom Act that allows businesses to refuse service to people based on their religious beliefs.

The Top 5 Overheard During the Signing of Indiana’s Religious Freedom Act

  1. “This law AND those drapes are gonna have to go.”
  2. “Curse your very tongue! Xargol the Seven-Teated-One forbids barbecue sauce upon a pizza! Be gone, blasphemer!”
  3. “After we sign this, people of all religions will get along just fine from now on, right?”
  4. “You mean this law could feasibly cover ALL sinners? Where will the government officials go to eat now?”

And the Number One Thing Overheard During the Signing of Indiana’s Religious Freedom Act…

  1. “Big deal. I work for the DMV, where we discriminate against *everybody*.”

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And YES, Impish, “Et tu Leprechaun!” There’ve been plenty of Texas jokes in your issues its about time a little egg decorated the faces of you Hoosiers!

 

 

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Bacon-and-Egg Potato Salad

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Ingredients

2 pounds small red-skinned potatoes, quartered
1 pound bacon, chopped
2 large eggs
2 tablespoons red wine vinegar
3/4 cup mayonnaise
3 tablespoons whole-grain mustard
6 scallions, finely chopped
1 medium red onion, diced
1 tablespoon sugar
Kosher salt and freshly ground pepper

Directions

Put the potatoes in a medium saucepan and cover with cold water. Bring to a boil, then reduce the heat to medium and cook until fork-tender, about 15 minutes. Meanwhile, sauté the bacon in a skillet over low heat until crispy, about 12 minutes. Drain on paper towels. (In a hurry? Use precooked bacon- 3 minutes or less in microwave and its ready to use) Yes Impish you can use turkey bacon.

Put the eggs in a small saucepan and cover with cold water. Bring to a boil, then remove from the heat, cover and let stand 6 minutes. Drain and run under cold water to cool; peel and chop.

Drain the potatoes (do not rinse), transfer to a baking sheet and let cool 6 to 8 minutes. In a small bowl, combine the vinegar, mayonnaise, mustard, scallions, red onion, sugar, and salt and pepper to taste. Transfer the potatoes to a large bowl and add the bacon and hard-cooked eggs; fold in the mayonnaise mixture. Serve at room temperature.

I add some chopped celery heart (leaves included) or celery, parsley  if I don’t have celery hearts plus a little dill. This also works well with leftover spiral sliced ham and I’ve even seen it done a couple times with Spam as a cold dinner on a hot day. That’s diced yellow pepper on top in the photo but a diced red, yellow or orange pepper would make a colorful addition. Lastly I like to use a 1/2 cup of mayo and a 1/4 cup of sour cream as it gives it more of a loaded baked potato flavor.

Yes Impish low fat mayo or plain Greek yogurt is ok in place of the mayo!


Broccoli & Noodles Supreme

Great fast side for Chicken Pork Sausage or Fish. For a one dish meal add canned chicken or tuna at the end. Try it with peas & carrots instead of broccoli. Use Cream of Mushroom in place of Cream of chicken or toss in a can of sliced mushrooms to kick it up. Finally to really impress garnish each serving with toasted bread crumb topping.

Campbell's Broccoli & Noodles Supreme Recipe

Prep 10 min.

Total 35 min.

Serves 5

(about 1 1/4 cups each)

Cook: 25 min.

 

The trick to this simply delicious recipe is that the broccoli and noodles cook together…mixed with a creamy, cheesy sauce, this 35-minute dish is really good!

What You’ll Need

6 ounces (about 3 cups) uncooked medium egg noodles
2 cups fresh or frozen broccoli florets
1 can (10 1/2 ounces) Condensed Cream of Chicken Soup or Fat Free Cream of Chicken Soup (if you’re a dragon eating healthy)
1/2 cup sour cream (Dragon tip: Don’t use low fat- it breaks too easily when heated)
1/3 cup grated Parmesan cheese
1/8 teaspoon ground black pepper

How to Make It

  • 1 Cook the noodles according to the package directions. Add the broccoli for the last 5 minutes of cooking time. Drain the noodle mixture well in a colander. Return the noodle mixture to the saucepan.
  • 2 Stir the soup, sour cream, cheese and black pepper in the saucepan and cook over medium heat until the mixture is hot and bubbling, stirring often.

 

Skillet Chicken and Ravioli

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Ingredients

Kosher salt
1 9 -ounce package small cheese ravioli
2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil, plus more for drizzling
1 1/4 pounds skinless, boneless chicken breasts, cut into chunks
Freshly ground pepper
8 ounces white mushrooms, sliced in thirds or fourths
1 cup halved cherry tomatoes
2 cloves garlic, thinly sliced
2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
1/3 cup low-sodium chicken broth
2 tablespoons grated parmesan cheese
1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley, basil or a combination

Directions

Bring a pot of salted water to a boil. Add the ravioli and cook as the label directs; drain, then drizzle with olive oil and toss.

Meanwhile, season the chicken with salt and pepper. Heat 1 tablespoon olive oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add the chicken; cook, undisturbed, until beginning to brown, about 2 minutes. Continue to cook, stirring, 1 more minute. Transfer to a plate.

Heat the remaining 1 tablespoon olive oil in the skillet. Add the mushrooms and cook, undisturbed, until browned in spots, about 2 minutes. Season with salt and continue to cook, stirring, until softened, about 3 more minutes.

Stir in the tomatoes, garlic and vinegar and cook until the tomatoes begin to soften, about 2 minutes. Return the chicken to the skillet, then add the ravioli, broth and parmesan; bring to a simmer and cook, stirring occasionally, until the chicken is cooked through, about 4 minutes. Top with the parsley.

Works well with Chicken Sausage (slice after cooking before returning to pan), sliced Smoked Sausage/Kielbasa, or Boneless pork chops cut in pieces as well. If you use spinach & cheese ravioli then you can use ham and substitute about 1/3 – 1/2 cup of jarred Alfredo sauce for the balsamic vinegar.

Flourless Peanut Butter Cookies

Here’s one for “Mr. Healthy” which I’m sure much to his horror he’ll be asking the kitchen to make in sort order.

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Total Time: 20 min
Prep: 10 min
Cook: 10 min
Yield: 18 cookies
Level: Easy

 

 

 

 

Ingredients

1 cup natural peanut butter
1 cup sugar
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1 large egg, lightly beaten
Coarse sea salt, for sprinkling

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F and place the racks in the upper and lower third of the oven.
In a medium bowl, mix the peanut butter, sugar, vanilla and egg until well combined. Spoon 1 tablespoon of the mixture about 1 inch apart onto ungreased baking sheets. Flatten the mounds with the tines of a fork, making a crosshatch pattern on the cookies. Sprinkle coarse salt on top of the cookies.
Bake until golden around the edges, about 10 minutes, switching the position of the sheets halfway through baking. Transfer to racks to cool. Repeat with the remaining dough.

Don McLean Explains The Meaning Of ‘American Pie’

Don McLean’s manuscript for “American Pie” went up for auction at Christie’s on Tuesday and sold for $1.2 million, and though he’s never really spoken publicly about the song’s cryptic meaning, he somewhat spilled the beans in the auction house’s catalog.

“Basically, in ‘American Pie’ things are heading in the wrong direction,” McLean said in the interview. “It is becoming less ideal, less idyllic. I don’t know whether you consider that wrong or right, but it is a morality song in a sense. I was around in 1970 and now I am around in 2015 … there is no poetry and very little romance in anything anymore, so it is really like the last phase of ‘American Pie.'”

McLean has been cagey about the song for decades, but has always insisted that “American Pie” was inspired by musicians Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and J.P “The Big Bopper” Richardson, who died in a tragic plane crash on Feb. 3, 1959. It became known as “the day the music died.” But McLean never explained the song’s 800-plus words, which he wrote 13 years after the accident. “That song didn’t just happen,” McLean had said in 1982. “It grew out of my experiences. ‘American Pie’ was part of my process of self-awakening; a mystical trip into my past.”

In the recent Christie’s interview, he now calls the track “an indescribable photograph of America that I tried to capture in words and music.”

 

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Tale of the IDIOT

When last we left our inept intrepid hero his cat had sabotaged him by slipping him a mickey in the form of a pot of Decafe coffee.

Zzzzzzzzzznork. Whaza? March you say? How the hell did that happen?

My superpowers return. Coffee! Coffee! Coffee! Sparkly! Sparkly! Sparkly! …what do you mean I could always fly, Cat?

Oh, wings, right. Well, bother.

Realized that my coffee odyssey has been entirely in my head. Went outside and found it’s still winter! Back to coffee for me.

Something strange going on with winter out there. Today Tiamat’s Witnesses showed up on dog sled! Had to wade through chest deep snow to ated them. BTW, let dogs go.

Had strange little goat-man show up at cave door looking for a wardrobe full of children. Ated him.

Feeling strangely bad about ateding goat-man. Thought twice before munching on wardrobe full of children. Ated it anyway.

Giant steroidal lion showed up to chew me out about ateding goat-man and the wardrobe children. Ated him, of course. He was delicious. I love being a dragon!

Pale witch-lady came to thank me for eating giant lion and wardrobe children. Offered me job. Don’t need job, but I’d always wanted to ated a witch… Tasted like vanilla ice-cream. Strangest thing though, after I ated her, a warm wind came up from south and the snow started to melt…

So, after the wind came up from the south I had an invasion of talking mice. Cat ated them.

Had Enchanted Forest Board Meeting tonight. Arrrrrgh! Thinking I will be ateding several board members soon as service to community.

More damned white stuff falling from the sky. Cat has suggested we move from Enchanted Forest to Enchanted Tropical Island.

 

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Dragon Laffs #1430


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(Mumbling under his breath) I WANT MEAT!!! REAL FOOD!!! The stuff with smoky fat dripping down my chin bad for me ness. No more of this Tofu pizza and veggie burgers!  Salad? That’s nothing but Rabbit food! And with lite dressing besides?  LITE BEER!!!??? Half Decafe Coffee??? It takes me all day just to get my brain out of low gear of Half Decafe!
Oh my Goddess Tiamat, what has that evil hearted Gunnery Sargent done to me?

Eating healthy sucks!  It doesn’t even taste good! Hell it doesn’t even taste! Cardboard would be a step up in taste.

It’s not enough that I know I’m in the best shape I’ve ever been in in my whole life.  It’s not enough that I’m stronger, faster, and leaner.  That I’m a better fighter, flyer, dancer …

While Impish is thinking of his plight and wanting to order something really awesome off the menu in the staff kitchen, Diaman and Ginny walked through the dining room, leered at the blue dragon and said, “Looking good Impish!”  “Mmm, looking yummy blue dragon!”

Impish turned back to the waitress and sighs saying, “I’ll have the Dragon size portion grilled chicken salad with lite ranch dressing and an unsweetened iced tea to drink.”

Just as Impish was finishing up, dabbing delicately at his mouth with a cloth napkin the size of a beach towel, Lethal sits down, grabs a waitress, orders a Muslim’s Nightmare BLT Club with cheese fries and a Bass Ale, slaps the waitress on the ass.  She leans down, kisses him on the cheek and sashays into the kitchen to fix his order.  She quickly brings back his drink and Lethal watches her leave before he begins speaking.

“You know, with the Party Hall almost complete, the Gate House Pub open, a good portion of the recreation areas open and some of the mythical and magical creatures moving into their accommodations, we’re already receiving threats and problems with some of the diplomats.  The bloody Infernal Revenue Skeevers are trying to weasel their auditors into a position to give the books for the project a right proper Spanish Inquisition to see where the money came from and who contributed so they have proof for the Flannel suits at State that this isn’t a Diplomatic Mission. If that happens we’ll not have our sovereign soil status!

Then there’s FBI, CIA, DEA and any number of ASSHATS are trying to get inside and put moles and all manner of nasty little spying devices in the different offices and locations.  It’s all Nameless and his staff can do to keep up with the background checks and physical security. That, by the way, doesn’t even begin to address the issue of staff the others are bringing with them that might be a security risk already in place, just the anticipated new hires!

Even the Erlking is beginning to gripe and grump about having to have his hounds patrol the property at night and you know how he lives to hunt! Says the hounds are getting fat and sluggish from eating all those they catch that he doesn’t turn into hounds!

 

Lethal sips his ale contemplatively, wrinkles his brow and grumbles, “I’m telling you Impish something has got to give they’re pushing and its high time we shoved back and bloodied they’re big brother fecking noses or better yet broke a few o’  them outright.”

 “We need an organization that can put itself between our mythical and magical ambassadors and clientele and the big business interests, terrorists and governmental powers that wish to take over everything.  They all want to diddle their fingers in our panties like we’re a bunch of sluts and we need to stop them colder than a catholic school girl virgin on her first date.”

“Too right you are mate.  I’ve been thinking about our conversation from the other day and I think there is an opportunity here, where DL&LL Enterprises can make a tidy profit while making a difference for the magical community and more importantly, we can thereby improve our standing in it and our power base.”

He pauses while his meal shows up, takes a huge bite out of his Muslim’s Nightmare BLT Club and blurts out, “Diverse (Mythical) Races Against (Mundane) Governments Overthrowing our Neutrality.”

Impish considers his words carefully, “You know, it’s amazing that I could actually hear those parentheses in your words, but if I got that right then you’re talking about D.R.A.G.O.N.  So, I would be the Dragon from D.R.A.G.O.N.?  No.  That doesn’t sound right.  But, since I’d be doing an awful lot of the work in my human form, I really could be…

Wait for it….

The MAN from D.R.A.G.O.N.!

Napoleon Solo and Illya Kuryakin eat your heart out! D.R.A.G.O.N. beats the shit out of U.N.C.L.E.!  Makes it sound like you’re giving up all the time!”

Impish rolls around in his chair giggling like a little kid and Lethal grabs his head and whispers, “What the bloody hell have I gone and started now?”

 

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This is my kind of cat!  The perfect watch… um.. dog?

 

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Another golf joke for my dad, Papa Dragon Most Senior…sort of.

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”
The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”
The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.”
“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”
“Tiger Woods.”
“Tiger Woods, the golfer?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
“What are you doing?” asks the wife.
The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. “Now what are you doing?” she asks.
The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.” golf
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it again.”
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”
No! I’m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.

 

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Yes, I have a lot of cousins and yes, many of them are quite … um … goofy.  This is Hubert.  He is in the employ of DL&LL.  He is a member of the air borne early warning system.  He has a radio that goes to the head of the early warning system (not to me or anyone else of importance!) and he calls in what he sees.  If he stops talking the supervisor is supposed to listen for an explosion and a crash.  If he just hears the crash he knows that Hubert has hit the ground again on his own.  If there is a crash and then an explosion, that means that he landed on something explosive and he is to notify the insurance department.  Only if he hears an explosion and then a crash is he to send another dragon to investigate.  But even then, it’s usually a small aircraft that he’s hit, at which point, you guessed it, we contact the insurance department.  Sometimes it’s easier to just eat your relatives than it is to employ them.

 

Okay, so this one is another golf joke for dad…Papa Dragon Most Senior…sort of.

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the following question…

WIFE: “What would you do if I died? would you get married again?”
HUSBAND: “Definitely not!”
WIFE: “Why not? don’t you like being married?”
HUSBAND: “Of course I do..”
WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
HUSBAND: “Okay, okay, I’d get married again.”
WIFE: “You would?” (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) 
WIFE: “Would you live in our house?”
HUSBAND: “Sure, it’s a great house.”
WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”
WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?”
HUSBAND: “Probably, it is almost new.”
WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”
HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
WIFE: “Would you give her my jewellery?”
HUSBAND: “No, I’m sure she’d want her own.”
WIFE: “Would you take her golfing with you?”
HUSBAND: “Yes, those are always good times.”
WIFE: “Would she use my clubs?”
HUSBAND: “No, she’s left-handed.”
WIFE: — Long silence —
HUSBAND: “Damn

 

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Star Wars or Star Trek?  Star Trek or Star Wars?  For some, it’s a big deal.  One or the other.  For others, both are good.  And for a few, they couldn’t care less.  Here’s a really nice comparison.  What do you think?
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Here are the next installments in this brand new section.  I hope you enjoy.
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8h

8i

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A  cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, ‘You  have been a good cat all these years.  Anything  you want is yours for the asking.’

The cat thought for a minute and  then said ‘All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden  floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.’

God said,  ‘Say no more.’ Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow. 

A  few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to  Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that  He made to the cat.

The mice said, ‘Well, we have had to run all of  our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could  just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run  again.’
God  answered, ‘It is done.’ All the mice had beautiful roller  skates.

About  a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep  on her fluffy pillow.. God gently awakened the cat and asked, ‘Is  everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?’

The  cat replied, ‘Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my  life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have  been sending over are delicious!’

 

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An English Clergyman turned to a Scotchman and asked: “What would you be if you were not Scot?”

The Scotchman said: “Why, an Englishman, of course!”

Then the clergyman turned to a gentleman from Ireland and asked him: “And what would you be were you not an Irishman?”

Lethal Leprechaun thought a moment and said: “I’d be ashamed of myself!”

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Some of our kids at recess.

 

I know I shouldn’t do this.  I did it last week and I had rotten tomatoes and other over ripe fruit thrown at me, but I can’t help it.  And again, like last week, you guys should be blaming K2!

FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH

Who  thinks up these things!!!!!!!!!!!!

His  dizzy aunt ———————————————— Verti Gogh

The  brother who ate prunes——————————— Gotta Gogh

The  brother who worked at a convenience store ——Stop N Gogh

The  grandfather from Yugoslavia —————————– U Gogh

His  magician uncle ——————————–  Where-diddy Gogh

His  Mexican cousin —————————————-  A Mee Gogh

The  Mexican cousin’s American half-brother ———— Gring Gogh

The  nephew who drove a stage coach —————– Wells-far Gogh

The  constipated uncle —————————————- Can’t Gogh

The  ballroom dancing aunt ———————————- Tang Gogh

The  bird lover uncle —————————————- Flamin Gogh

An  aunt who taught positive thinking —————— Way-to-Gogh

The  little bouncy nephew ————————————- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco ————————————— Go Gogh

And  his niece who travels the country in an RV — Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling . . .. there ya Gogh!

 

! BIRDBRAINS Drop-In Template.ai

 

This is just too cute for words.  I was looking for something else and clicked on this one as a whim.  Ten minutes of adorable kids and animals…well, one scary one with an aligator, but other than that, good fun.

 

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Okay, so it was bound to happen…another sorta golf joke for my dad.

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

 
All of a sudden . .POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, “I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life… as a matter of fact, you won’t have any butter for anything the rest of your life!”
THEN POOF!….she was gone.
After Dave got hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. “Fred, where are you?” Fred yells back, “I’m over here, in the pussy willows.”
Dave yells back…… “DON’T SWING, FRED!!! For the love of God, DON’T SWING!!!”

 

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Everybody loves the animal pictures.
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If you look closely at the top of the stairs, someone, or something is pushing this poor cat to start the tumble.  I wonder if this is a ninja kitty test and one of the ninja kitty instructors is pushing this one down the stairs to start some sort of test.  Lethal might know the answer to this one.

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I’m sure there is a logical explanation for this, but I’m sure I can’t figure it out.

 

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An elderly couple reaching their 70s are about to get married, but before they say their vows, the woman wanted to talk.

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She said: “I want to keep my house.

He said: “That’s fine with me.”

She said: “I want to keep my Cadillac.

He said: “That’s fine with me.”

She said: “And I want to have sex 6 times a week.

He said: “Put me down for Fridays.

 

 

 

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I used to be that friend.

 

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Here at DL&LL Enterprises, we take our community involvement very seriously.  We try to keep you, our beloved campers, as up to date on the important things as we can.  This newest warning has just come out:

E-Bay Users Beware!  Be very careful with E-Bay!  PLEASE BE AWARE AND TAKE NOTE OF E-BAY TRADERS NOT SELLING AS ADVERTISED.

I’ve been scammed! 

I was trying to order a blow up doll as an April Fool’s joke for Lethal and this is what they sent me…

 

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Not at all what I expected nor what was advertised.

 

 

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Continuing on our journey of Holy Shit…

Holy S9

Holy S10

Holy S11

Holy S12

Holy S13

 

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
“Quick,” said the woman to the lover “into the closet!” and she pushed him in the closet stark naked.
The husband became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. “Who are you?” he demanded.
“I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone” said the exterminator.
“What are you doing in there?” the husband asked.
“I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths” the man replied.
“And where are your clothes?” asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said “Those little bastards!”

 

! BIRDBRAINS Drop-In Template

 

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Leprechaun Laughs # 294 for Wednesday April 8th 2015


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What?! Lent is over- you didn’t think I’d fell the need to catch up? You have any idea how many ale and whiskey distilleries count on my business to keep them afloat? Lets not even talk about what effect my ‘going on the dry’ would have on the economies of multiple nations! The only more financially disastrous thing I can think of would be if Impish and I gave up coffee overnight.

Speaking of the nearly electrocuted and braised lizard if you think I’m bad having a few wee nips you should see how he’s been making up for lost time!

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 To celebrate his return to us addiction free, Impish, the girls and I went over to the gatehouse’s pub, (you’ll learn more about the Gatehouse later in the issue) for a bit of a catch up.

Impish ordered off the menu asking for a ‘Bloody Spicy with everything’. Then he specified V-8 juice not Bloody Mary mix or Tomato juice winking at the bar maid and saying something about his daily veggie requirement. My jaw nearly hit me pint glass o Guinness when I heard that and the magpie Diaman and Ginny actually went silent for a full 15 seconds!

This was the drink he got. He had four of them before his burgers and fries arrived.

When I say burgers and fries this is what I’m talking about:

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Three of those burgers (for which he actually inquired about having them swap the Kobi beef for vegi-burgers and even specified the vegetarian chili on the burger and the 2# platters of fries plus low fat cheese and whole multigrain buns! As if this wasn’t already nearly knocking us off our barstools he forewent his usual threat about eating the waitress if he saw anything that had come out of a garden on his plate and asked if he could trade the Lettuce Tomato and Onion from all 3 and turn it into a tossed salad! I swear you could have knock me cold with a fairy’s wing when I heard that one!

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There was also the yard of light beer he ordered to wash them down. That’s it there on the right side. For comparison the glass 3rd from the right is a standard Pint (16 oz.) bar glass. Seriously light beer?! Diaman & Ginny are starting to think that electric fence caused him some brain damage! Personally I suspect he’s running some sort of guilt trip or grift- possibly pie related.

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Now I’ll grant you Impish offered up an I suppose plausible explanation for some of this, (I say I suppose its plausible because I don’t quite know enough about Dragon physiology- yet to say if he’s bagging me or not). His explanation was that he needed all that spice and grease to induce an epic case o’ heart burn to rekindle/jump start his internal fire furnace biology after shutting it down during his escape attempt.

Impish claims that when we get to the next installment of his diary next week his assertions will be upheld and proven completely truthful.

I was almost ready to buy this story (despite the fact that ‘completely truthful’ when used in conjunction with Impish Dragon constitutes and oxymoron) until about 3 hours later I came across him having a pizza snack- 6 “virgin pizzas” made with ‘Fra Diavolo’ sauce (Fra Diavolo = Brother Devil. Sort of a super spicy Marinara made with fresh tomatoes and hot red cherry peppers). I caught up with him managing to get this picture of it just before he started in on this last one. I figured this was just Impish trying the hide his reversion to gluttony and making up for lost diet until I managed to snag a slice of the pizza and discovered it had a whole wheat thin crust!

Obviously our Dragon isn’t any too worse for the wear from his ‘ordeals’…. uh I think.  Now if you’ll excuse me I feel a touch on indigestions just from the ‘Fra Diavolo’ sauce. I’m off to find some Bromo-Seltzer and…. (frowns at a text message he just got) Apparently I need to approve the location of an all organic vegetable garden Impish want to put in as it conflicts with something on the master build plans for our new facilities. Sigh! I wonder if Bromo makes a decent mixer with Irish Whiskey? I have the feeling I’ll be needing a lot of both this day!

Enjoy the issue.

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Since Impish sort of totally ignored the fact that last Sunday was in fact Easter, I thought I’d just put a little something religious but yet entertaining in today to mark the occasion. Beside both Impish and I have recently been blessed with our wives more or less successfully battling potentially serious illnesses and we should be giving thanks.

This is one of my favorite religious songs, though not my favorite version which I’m having trouble locating. If I find it I’ll post it later in the issue.

 

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With regard to Impish’s Final Word from Last Week which consisted of an email from Ginny entitled “The Train of Life”. I too received it from Ginny and I responded to her taking (as usual) a differing point of view from Impish apparently. In all fairness had I remembered to “CC:” Impish in on my comment he might have elected to include it in his Final Word so I wanted to share my comment on the ‘The Train of Life” with you as well-

 

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In a crowded airliner a five-year-old boy is throwing a wild temper
tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to
try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick
the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane,  Lethal Leprechaun slowly
walks forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an
upraised hand, the Lethal leans down and whispers something into
the boy’s ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and
quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into
spontaneous applause. As the Leprechaun slowly makes his way back to
his seat, one of the stewardesses takes him by the sleeve.

“Excuse me, Sir,” she says quietly, “but what magic words did
you use on that little boy?”

The Lethal smiles sagely and gently says,
“Lass I just told him if he didn’t cut that shite out, I’d be kicking his
fooking arse to the bloody moon.”

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Molly’s Follow up visit to her Doctor went very well. Her Doctor did note the internally she is healing at a somewhat slower rate than was normal and Molly confessed to my two steps forward one step back theory admitting to ‘possibly’ pushing her boundaries at times a bit too much. The doctor took her off the prescription pain killers and told her to use OTC ones stating that maybe if the penalty for misbehavior was higher she’d do it less often. A doctor who espouses my ‘Molly Philosophy’, ya just gotta love her!

She has been clear to return to work starting next Monday, though I have it on good authority from an inside source that she’ll only be working half days from the shop for the first week back and watched closely for signs of pain or fatigue.

Again Molly and I want to thank those of you who have sent well wishes prayers and moral support during this time. However at the moment Mrs. Dragon is currently in need of them far more than Molly at this point and we would ask that you do the same for her.

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With all the food and what not over the Easter weekend I doubt that you will be wanting very much in the way of recipes this week, unless they have to do with using up ham & hard boiled eggs.

On that subject let me just say that deviled ham & egg spread rocks, not only as a sandwich filling, but goes well atop lunch salads or spread on toasted English muffins or bagels for breakfast. It even makes dynamite potato salad if you like your potato salad with egg in it

DEVILED EGG AND HAM SALAD

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1 c. cubed ham (5 oz.)
1/2 c. finely chopped green pepper
1/4 c. finely chopped green onion
1/3 c. mayonnaise
1/4 tsp. ground red pepper
1 tbsp. vinegar
1 1/2 tsp. prepared mustard
6 hard boiled eggs
4 large lettuce leaves
4 medium tomatoes, each cut into 8 wedges

In medium bowl, combine ham, green pepper, onion, mayonnaise, red pepper, vinegar and mustard. Mix until well blended. Set aside. Separate hard cooked egg yolk from whites. Place yolks in small bowl. Mash and stir into ham mixture. Chop egg whites and stir into ham mixture. Let stand 10 minutes to blend flavors

I like to toss some with shredded bag lettuce and radish sprouts then fill pita pockets with it garnishing with pickle and cherry tomato slices. If taking to work pack the wet filling and garnishes separate from the pitas (I put the garnishes on top to the filled in a single container and use the lid to hold the garnishes  until ready for them

Banana Crunch Muffins

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Total Time: 45 min
Prep: 20 min
Cook: 25 min
Yield: 18 large muffins
Level: Easy

 

 

 

Ingredients

3 cups all-purpose flour
2 cups sugar
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 pound unsalted butter, melted and cooled
2 extra-large eggs
3/4 cup whole milk
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
1 cup mashed ripe bananas (2 bananas)
1 cup medium-diced ripe bananas (1 banana)
1 cup small-diced walnuts
1 cup granola
1 cup sweetened shredded coconut
Dried banana chips, granola, or shredded coconut, optional

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.
Line 18 large muffin cups with paper liners. Sift the flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, and salt into the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with a paddle attachment. Add the melted butter and blend. Combine the eggs, milk, vanilla, and mashed bananas, and add them to the flour-and-butter mixture. Scrape the bowl and blend well. Don’t over mix.
Fold the diced bananas, walnuts, granola, and coconut into the batter. Spoon the batter into the paper liners, filling each 1 to the top. Top each muffin with dried banana chips, granola, or coconut, if desired. Bake for 25 to 30 minutes, or until the tops are brown and a toothpick comes out clean. Cool slightly, remove from the pan, and serve.

 

I forgot this next one last week when we were on the subject of condiments and such

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If any one wants to save this Cheat sheet I can upload it someplace for you to download. Just leave a request in the comments and I’ll post a link to it.

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Until you see it. Still not seeing it? I’ll give you a hint- pay attention to the background. I’ll post a better hint at the end of the issue for those who need more help. Mean while if anyone recognizes any of the ladies I’d very much like an intro or a name and contact number, especially the one 2nd from left in back row!

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 Introspection Outside the Box

Sen. Ted Cruz announced his presidential campaign at Liberty University before a packed crowd of students who were forced to attend or risked paying a fine.

The Top 5 Things Overheard During Ted Cruz’s Announcement

  1. “Are you sure this isn’t just another senior prank?”
  2. “How many chances does one get to witness the beginning of the end of a political party?”
  3. “I loved his sister Penelope in ‘Vanilla Sky.’ Can I vote for her?”
  4. “If it’s OK for him to shut down the government, it’s OK for me to shut down his microphone.”

And the Number One Thing Overheard During Ted Cruz’s Announcement…

  1. “I never thought I’d say this as a student at Liberty University, but I think I need a drink.”

I fully agree with Comment #1 in principle but I disagree that a single drink is going to be enough. I think I’ll be drinking quite steadily through his entire campaign. Here’s hoping it’s a short one- my liver can’t take all the drinks it used to.

Found that favorite version of “Oh Happy Day” I was talking about!

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A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain,the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. Addressing the Harley rider, he says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.”

The Harley rider replies,”Why, it was nothing, really.

The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.”

The reporter says, “ Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed . I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?”

The biker replies, “I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.”

The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

” U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!”

And that pretty much sums up the media’s approach to the news these days.

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We’ve gotten a few questions lately about the progress on the Santa provided at Ginny’s Christmas wish Recreation and Party Center. As several people have noted Memorial Day is practically around the corner. Sadly I have to say that I doubt the facilities will be full finished for Memorial Day despite the progress we’ve made. as we’ve had several delays due to unforeseen circumstances.

Impish, who was helping the dwarves with the construction of the necessary caves and tunnels, as you know was first government napped, then required an intervention for his pie addiction, followed by a subsequent involuntary committal to get the job of breaking his addiction done.

There was also the second delay resulting from Impish’s kidnapping where the large perimeter security wall was swiftly built as well as the building for the Embassies of the other mythical realms and quarters for other mythical creatures of legendary note with diplomatic status. Now I know your asking why this was so important as to interrupt a party facility and the answer is simple- if we cannot stay in the mundane realm safely we can’t stay at all which means there isn’t a need for the party facility any longer. Understand? OK moving on then!

However this isn’t to say that we have nothing to show for our efforts to date. Here is a shot of the Entry way gate house to the new facility.

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The upper portion that resembles a covered bridge/walkway is exactly that and will mate up with the aerial tramway accessed from the lobby of our Corporate HQ building.

It terminates just out side the Gatehouse Pub which you saw a photo of the outside patio area of in the opening.

The water feature you see is part of a tubing excursion you can take through part of the Recreational Center and down to the our side pond.

 

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 Here is a look at a completed section of the grotto area which can be switched into or out of the tube ride depending on ride usage and number of people in the grotto.

That is a 48” big screen TV in the distance you see and the edge of a service bar just behind the lanterns where you can ever get your drinks delivered to waters edge.

Finally if you walk past the lanterns and turn left you come to our first completed non cave like party  and conference area-

 

 

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The coal stove fireplace is completely functional as is the bar and the bar sized professional staffed kitchen behind the door just visible at the right end of the bar. There is another bar at the opposite end of the room and the room can comfortably accommodate roughly 50 people with room for entertainment:

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The Answer

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In case you can’t make it out the sign reads “Assumption College Deep Throat Competition”!

We’ll pause for a minute until the male perverts among our readership can get a FIGURATIVE grip on themselves after that revelation.  IMPISH! PAUL(s) (BOTH OF YOU) and you too K2! I SAID FIGURATIVE grip on yourselves!

Ginny you stop encouraging them too! SHEESH!

Tale of the IDIOT

When last we left Impish he had just discovered the delectable treat known as Trollscouts and was pondering creating Dragonscouts to assure a steady supply of good eats.

Still thinking about dragonscouts but torn between treating them as snack-packs and teaching them to be good little dragons.

Cat has suggested merit badges in horde-lying, knight-toasting, general ateding, and cat-coddling.

White stuff has fallen from the sky again. Am starting to think there’s some sort of plot—maybe pointy face horse is going to use it as camouflage. Cat is attempting hibernation, perhaps I should join him…

Had board meeting today. Ated someone that disagreed with me. That should solve that problem. Very satisfying.

Cat awake—eight pounds. Cat asleep on my chest—so heavy I can’t get up even though I routinely throw around twenty-to-thirty tons. Bemused.

Have Enchanted Forest Board meeting tonight but there’s SNOW! Dontwanna! Cat curled up by fire. Stupid cat. Stupid meeting.

It got cold. Really really cold. Important-safety-tip-cold. Don’t try to breathe fire when your snot is frozen. Seriously. Ears now fire scoured clean inside.

HELP! I’m starting to identify with my captor. I just noticed that all the snow and ice is kind of…Sparkly! Sparkly! Sparkly!

Cthulhu carolers just came to the cave door. They’re so cute I almost don’t want to ated them.

Can’t believe it’s nearly Cthulhumas! I haven’t even started shopping and cat is sleeping on the cards so I can’t send them. Mind you, I did tuck them all under the cat bed instead of addressing them, but I’m still blaming the cat.

Looking at all the Cthulhumas lights and now I want to fill the cave with them. Sparkly! Sparkly! Sparkly!

Cthulhumas is tomorrow? #$#%@&$%@#! Sigh, at least it’ll be over soon.

Cthulhumas has arrived. Sitting and looking at the ornaments when I realized I don’t even _like_ squid. Sigh.

Have survived Cthulhumas and mood is rapidly improving. Took ornaments down! Also, ated salesman today AND felt really good about it. “None of this charity of season, please don’t eat me” nonsense to deal with.

Cat brought home funny little machine that turns beans into hot black liquid. It smelled great so I had some. It tasted bitter but SPARKLY! Sparklysparklysparkly!

Cat calls wondrous black fluid “coffee.” It sounds almost as sparkly as it tastes! Coffee! Coffee! Coffee!

Cat also says that I should probably drink a little bit less next time. Cat is wrong. Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

Getting lots accomplished!. Have now been awake for three straight days! This coffee stuff is the best thing ever!

Day five of coffee binge. Have transcended sleep and achieved apotheosis. Worship me!

Day six of my coffee odyssey. Sleep is an almost forgotten relic of my past. Can taste colors. Am learning fish language.

Day 8 of coffee odyssey. Cat made the most recent pot. It’s not working. Think it might be decafzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

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Dragon Laffs #1429


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Good Morning Campers,

Thank you to everyone who sent good wishes to me and my family during Mrs. Dragons recent illness and visit to the E.R.  She’s still not doing great, but she is better and more importantly, out of the woods.

I know you’ve wondered what’s happened to me (Impish) over the last two weeks, and I think the following story will answer your questions. 

So please, sit back, refill your coffee and relax while you read.

I lay on the straw filled mattress on my wooden bunk and thought about what I was about to do.  I was sick and tired of being here.  Sick and tired of not having any pie and truly and completely sick and tired of that bastard gunnery sergeant who seemed to have my misery as his life goal.

Sure, Lethal had sent Robo-Impish along for companionship, which I guess was kind of a nice thing to do, but then he had him turn into that freak of a purple dinosaur, hug me and sing to me!  Twenty-five choruses of “I Love You, You Love Me…”  I just got the damn song out of my head yesterday and now, that I’m thinking about it, it’s there again!

UGH!

Plus!  He cheats at DragonQuest!  I mean, come on!  How low can you be?  And the worst part is that I can’t even say anything about it for fear he’ll point out my cheating.  Talk about a lose-lose situation.

Sigh!

The lights had been out for a few hours and I could feel the camp quiet around me.  I quietly slid out of my bunk, quickly dressed in black khakis and a black skull cap. I sidled over to Robo-Impish, reached behind his left ear and deactivated him.  There was a slow hum that wound down to nothing; like the dying of a desk fan after it was shut off.

I lifted my bunk and pulled up the wooden floor planks that I had loosened over the past few days.  Right Colonel Hogan, keep Sargent Shultz busy and I’ll be out of here in no time.  I thought to myself and chuckled.  I dropped to the ground under the hut, replacing the boards so no one would be the wiser and I scoped out the area around my hut.

My timing had to be just right.

 I knew, from watching the guards, oh excuse me, the “attendants” (really, how many attendants do you know that walk a perimeter with AK-47s?) that I had a very small window of opportunity here.  As soon as I saw the two sets of boots cross by my hiding place under the wooden hut, I counted silently to 7 and knew they would have turned the corner, out of sight.  I now had 12 seconds to move across the open space between my hut and the next one over, which just happened to be the headquarters building, before the next set of “attendants” and the search light came by my hiding spot.

I scrambled across the open space and slid in under the headquarters building with 2 seconds to spare.
I had to slow my breathing, to insure I wasn’t heard, but lucky for me, all those days of morning PT (They call it Pie Therapy, but really it’s Physical Torture) were paying off.  My breathing hardly strayed at all.

I scuttled under the larger hut and came out on the other side being sure to stick to the shadows.  This one would be more difficult since I hadn’t had a chance to reconnoiter this out as thoroughly.  My plans were to study the layout of the guards and the search lights, make notes if necessary and return or, if my luck held, press on with my plans to escape and hit that little pie shop in the next town over.

Yeah, I knew where the pie shop was.  I knew where ALL the pie shops were.  They couldn’t stop me.
As I watched, it became apparent that this was a mostly unguarded section of the camp.  I suppose it made sense, being behind the headquarters building, but one thing I was sure, they wouldn’t leave it completely unguarded.

I concentrated on the ground directly in front of me, using my infra-vision that most magical creatures have.  Being able to see heat sources in the dark has saved many a magical hide in the past.
By concentrating, I could see very faint blobs of heat buried right under the surface of the ground.  What in the world could that be?  Little creatures?  But none of the blobs seemed to be moving.  Thinking of the hot day we had earlier, I realized that they were something buried right under the surface that had warmed up, but hadn’t cooled at the same rate as the rest of the ground.  That explained the lack of “attendants” on this side of the building and the lack of attention.  The whole area was filled with landmines.

Now, it made sense and now I had a decision to make.  For the time being at least, I could see the landmines.  I knew where each one was, or at least I was pretty sure I knew where MOST of them were, but I had no idea how much longer it would take for them to cool to the point that I wouldn’t be able to see them anymore.  It might have been my imagination, but it already seemed like they were beginning to fade and become fainter while I was watching.

I made up my mind, took a deep breath, and made a break for it.

Running, crouched over, making sure my tail stayed up in the air, concentrating on exactly where I put each foot and moving as quickly as possible, I headed for the hilly area towards the back of the camp.

Run, step, step, crouch, watch, don’t miss, where’s the next blob? Keep running; keep the tail up, UP dammit, UP!  Don’t touch the blobs.

I could probably survive a landmine, no problem.  My hide was tougher than that, but it would probably slow me down and make enough noise to wake up the whole camp.

So, step, step, run, lift, hurry, hurry, hurry.

 I made it in much better time that I would have thought.  Damn, maybe those exercises were paying off.  As I threw myself over the first low hill and lay there resting momentarily, I had to admit that I was probably in the best shape of my life.  Huh.  I’d of never figured that as a benefit of what I’d been going through.

I smiled to myself and thought about how good I really did feel right now.  I was excited, on a real life adventure, instead of just flying around and burning villages and eating virgins, I was successfully sneaking through the woods and escaping and evading.  Me against them; matching wits with that bastard Gunnery Sargent.  I wonder if all Gunnery Sergeants were bastards; seems like not having your parents being married when you were born would just be the perfect start to a life of assholedness.  Or maybe they were just puked up by some hideous ogre looking thing in a cave somewhere.  That’s not really fair to ogres, though.  Some of my friends were ogres.  None of them would stoop so low as to puke up a gunnery Sergeant.

The real funny thing was, I hadn’t even thought about pies since I started this.

Hmm.

Pies….

Really?

It just didn’t have the same appeal to me now that I was running for my life.

Okay, enough.  Time to start moving again.

As I made my way through the back country portion of the camp, an area I was somewhat familiar with from my morning runs, I wondered if I was far enough away to fly and not be detected by the camps radar.  That bastard gunny was quite pleased with showing me how it worked the first day I was here.  By releasing a pigeon, the gunny explained the whole thing to me.

“You see this little birdie?  This little biddy birdie can’t get out, and you great big birdy can’t get out.”

He then released the pigeon and when it got about 15 feet in the air, a short siren went off, the rattle of a chain gun sounded and the pigeon was nothing but feathers a short second later.

“The radar is set for 15 feet, dragon my boy, and the fences are all 25 feet tall.  I think even someone as lunk-headed as you can do the math on that scenario!”

And he stalked off laughing as he went, singing a little ditty about roasted dragon steaks.

The bastard.

So no, I decided flying out at this point was not a good idea.

I heard the truck before I saw it.  I laid down flat in a gully and covered myself in mud and cold water in case they were using Night Vision Goggles.  The truck came round the corner of the dirt road I had been following and came to a stop.

“I thought I saw something moving over in this direction.”

Ah, so they were using NVGs.  That was going to change things.  I started shutting down my internal fire breathing biological functions.  Dragons give off a huge heat signature, but mostly because our biggest form of defense, and offence for that matter, was breathing fire.  But that can be controlled.  It’s unnatural, to do so, purposely giving up our primary weapon, but it can be done.  Especially in an older, more mature dragon.  And once that’s done, we’re basically lizards.  Cold blooded creatures with a very small heat signature.  So, I hunkered down in the muck and mud and became as small and cold as I could.  It takes a little bit of time to get the fire breathing apparatus started back up again, so I was basically a sitting duck if they decided to check out my gully.

“Probably a deer or a bear or something,” another voice answered.

“Oh, a big black bear would be cool!” said the first voice.  “I’d love to see what this mini chain gun does to a giant bear!”

“Yeah, well keep in mind, if you fire that sum-bitch off, you’re gonna have everyone in the camp down here investigating.  You think the Gunny is gonna appreciate bein’ woke up in the middle of the night ’cause you decided you wanted to play with a bear?”

“Good point.  Let’s head back.”

“That’s about what I figured.”

Whew!  That was close!  Way too close.

As I rolled over and sat up, I came face to face with the biggest meanest looking bear I had ever seen in my whole life.  Being in my smaller dragon form, I knew I didn’t really stand much of a chance against him.  Changing into my huge dragon form would not only take too long, but probably bring those guards right back to me and I already discussed how my fire breath was out of the question.

As I stared him in the eyes and he stared me in the eyes, both of us looking concernedly at the other, the bear said, “Do you think they’re gone?”

Holy shit a talking bear!

“Um, yeah.  I um guess so.” I stammered out.

“Whew!  That was close, huh? All because of a couple of pic-a-nic baskets. Geez, maybe Booboo and the ranger were right.  Maybe I shoulda stayed in Jellystone.  Okay, well… see ya!”

As the big assed bear went ambling off in the woods, he turned once and said, “You don’t have a pic-a-nic basket or a pie or anything, do ya?”

All I could do was mutter, “No.  No, I don’t.”

“Eh, it’s what I figgered.  See ya around.”  And he turned and headed deeper into the forest.

“Yeah…ah… see ya…”

I took off the other way in a running trot designed to eat up the distance.

After an hour or so, with the moon beginning to hang low in the sky, I came to another fence.  This was it, probably the outer fence to the camp.  This one was 25 feet tall, with double strands of barbwire across the top and due to the dead foliage around the base, it was obviously electrified.

But, I hadn’t come all this way just to be stymied by a damn fence.

But, how to get over it?

And that was the thing, wasn’t it?  I couldn’t go over it.

I couldn’t go through it.

That only left one thing…going under it.

As I walked along the fence line I found several depressions, some of them quite deep, that went under the fence, and in every single one of them there was a dead animal at the bottom.  I came to realize that the electricity not only went through the fence, but at least several feet under the fence.  But the question was, how far under the fence did it go?  I didn’t have time to dig and experiment.  Sunrise was on its way along with the obligatory roll call and the not finding of the dragon in his hut.

I came to a river.  The fence went over the river and partially down into the river.  I could see where the water was sizzling and boiling where the fence met the top, but I couldn’t tell how far down it went.  Was it possible to dive deep enough to get under the heat and electricity?

Did I have a choice?

What were my choices?
#1.  I could dive down under the fence and possibly get out or possibly get fried alive.  I could hear Chef Lethal’s voice in my head, “Technically you’d be getting braised/stewed alive.”
#2.  I could try to make it back to my hut before roll call and live to try another day.
#3.  I could try to fly over the fence and possibly get out or possibly get shot down by that damn chain gun.
#4.  I didn’t have a number 4.

Okay, so three choices.  I think number 2 was out because I honestly didn’t think I had time enough left to get back in time.

Two choices.

I think number 3 was out because I saw what happened to that pigeon and how fast it had taken place.

One choice.

I sat on the edge of the river and hyperventilated my lungs to get as much oxygen in there as I could.  It had been two weeks since I’d had a cigar, I was in pretty good shape and I was very motivated to dive as deep and as far as I could.

When I felt I was ready and had my nerve up, I dived into the water.

Holy crap, that mountain run off stream was cold!  I dove down deep, deeper; until I felt the muddy bottom in my hands.  The river was rapidly pulling me towards the fence line and I could feel the water getting hotter and hotter.  I scrunched myself down as low to the bottom as I could get, but the heat just kept increasing.  I imagined how painful a death this was going to be and realized my only regret was not being able to see my buddy Lethal one more time.

Yes, I know how crazy that sounded, but you know, for all the fact that he put me in here, it wasn’t really him that put me in here, it was me.  I had put me in here.  I allowed my draconian skills and mentality to be overwhelmed by something as stupid as pie.  Now I was going to fry to death.  Now that I was in the best shape of my life, now that I couldn’t care less about pie and really only wanted to be with my friends, cuddle with my girls.

The heat was excruciating.  I could feel the scales beginning to curl and melt on my back.  I pushed myself even flatter to the bottom.  This was the end.

No more Joking with my buddy Lethal.

No more teasing my Jersey Girl Ginny.

No more slap and tickle with Diaman.

No more picking on Paul

No more…

The heat became so intense, that was the last thing I remembered.  Blackness overwhelmed me.  My last thought being how poetically just it was that I was going out like a pie in an oven.

I woke up lying on the side of the river, my head laying in the softest lap I had ever laid in.  At least it felt that way at the time.

“Silly dragon…” that was Diaman’s voice.

Bloody git o’ a dragon!” Lethal?

“Hold still you darn lizard.  Let me finish putting this healing cream on your back.” And Ginny.

All my friends were here.  I must be in heaven.

“Let him suffer a bit more.  Who’d of thought the big lummox would have done something so feckin stupid.  I guess I really should have known.” Lethal, but his voice was a lot softer and more caring than I would’ve figured.

“How’d you find me?” my voice cracking slightly.

Diaman answered, “We‘ve been using Robo-you to watch you the whole time you’ve been here.  When you finally got your head on straight enough, this was supposed to be your graduation exercise.  We really didn’t think you’d get as far as you did, but you proved us all wrong.  We knew you were planning on escaping, but figured you’d get caught and brought back and the trial would prove that you were finally cured of the pie addiction.  But, you got further than anyone figured.  Once you reached the fence, we knew there was nowhere for you to go and that should’ve been that.  You would have had to return or they would have eventually found you, but no one figured you’d go for a different option.  If that river had been a little lower or the water not quite so cold…” her voice faded out.

“What she’s trying to say is that you damn near killed yourself you stupid fookin’ lizard!”  Lethal glanced down at me and I swear I saw a glistening to his eyes.  “Come on ya great daft arse, me new Leprechaun One is idling in the field over there, we can be back to the keep in a couple of hours and let the vet take a look at our field dressings and make sure you’re not going to have any scars to mess up your pretty scaly hide.”  The last was said with the normal sarcasm and curmudgeonly attitude that I’d grow to know and love.

“Thanks my friends.” I said and we left.

 

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There are days when I feel just like this!

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Florida woman stops alligator attack with a small Beretta pistol .
 
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?  A Beretta Jetfire4b testimonial…. Here is her story in her own words:
 
“While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband’s knee cap was all it took….
 
The ‘gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It’s one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible.

I’ve always said that I don’t have to be the fastest runner…I just can’t be the slowest.  That’s why I’m ALWAYS armed!

 

1346

It’s a mystery what coulda killed ‘em.  Probably the fashion police hit squad.

 

I’ve gotten a bunch of Humorous Military stuff so I’m starting a new section and will continue it until I run out… So, may I present:
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8

8a

8b

8c

8d

 

The third day of spring in Indiana…
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Oh come on!!!

 

Two good ol’ boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, “If’n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin’ and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.  Finally, he says,”Well I don’t know about kin, but it would make us even!” 

 

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On a chain

Jeff Dunham’s newest puppet.  It’s a dragon… on a stick!

 

 

The Definition of a positive Attitude…

Late in the night, Impish Dragon regained consciousness.

He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital’s ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.  He realized that he’d obviously been in a serious accident.

The nurse gave him a deep look, straight into his eyes and her heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

Somehow Impish managed to mumble in reply, “Well, can I feel your tits, then?”

THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS CALLED A POSITIVE ATTITUDE.

 

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The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. They gasped in astonishment when he said, ‘Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.’The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. ‘Why, nothing,’ Peter replied, ‘remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. ‘What are the greens fees?’ grumbled the old man.

‘This is heaven ,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can play for free, every day.’

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

‘Don’t even ask,’ said St. Peter to the man, ‘this is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.’

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

‘Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,’ he asked..

‘That’s the best part,’ St. Peter replied, ‘you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!’

The old man pushed, ‘No gym to work out at?’

‘Not unless you want to,’ was the answer.

‘No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…’

‘Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.’

The old man glared at his wife and said, ‘You and your fuckin’ bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!’

 

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Great observation…

4e

 

 

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This is our instructor in one of our more advanced classes of outdoor survival.  A student favorite subject and instructor.

 

 

4g

4h

 

Impressive Speed and frightening accuracy and dexterity…on a Xylophone!!!!  Truly amazing.

 

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This cool website is sent to us by Stephanie and like she says…”Coffee is meant to be drank, but this is still pretty cool.”  http://distractify.com/pinar/caffeinated-paintings/?v=1  Here’s a little peek..

 

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Okay, so it’s a little on the old side, but it’s also one of my favorite jokes of all time…

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?”

When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Saviour,” But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ‘JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!”

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OBAMA wants us to cut the amount of gasoline we use…..

The best way to stop using so much gasoline is to deport 15 million illegal immigrants!


That would be 15 million less people using our gas.

The price of gas would come down…..

Bring our troops home from Afghanistan to guard the borders….


When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Afghanistan ….


Tell him if he wants to come to AMERICA then he must serve a tour in OUR military….


Give him a soldier’s pay while he’s there and tax him on it……


After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country…..

He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident……
This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Afghanistan and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. …….


If they refuse to serve, ship them to Afghanistan anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.


Problem solved…..

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Now that’s a squared up snake!!

 

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Yeah, that worked out really well!

 

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This is great!  And thankfully, it has subtitles because a lot of the talking is overwhelmed by the laughter.

So, I was walking through the mall, and went into a Muslim Bookshop.
 
The clerk asked if he could help me, so I asked for a copy of the United States Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims.
 
The Clerk said, “Fuck off, get out, and stay out.”
 
I said, “Yes, that’s the one.” 

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Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest nearly fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life.
 
After Mass,the priest caught up with him & said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?” 
 
Murphy said,”I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn’s hat.”
 
The priest said, “WELL, MURPHY, I NOTICE THAT YA DIDN’T STEAL McGLYNN’S HAT. WHAT CHANGED YOUR MIND?”
 
Murphy replied, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10
Commandments I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”
 
With a tear in his eye, the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said, “After I talked about’Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?”
 
Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’, I remembered where I left me hat.”

 

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As promised, here’s another bunch of…

Holy S3

Holy S4

Holy S5

Holy s6

Holy S7

Holy S8

Holy Shit!  That was a lot of Holy Shit Motivationals…and that ain’t all.  Tune in next week for a few more!

 

Okay, this next one is just bloody awful!  Horrible!  Terrible!  If you don’t groan after this one, then something is seriously wrong with you!!

After Quasimodo’s death, the Bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame, in Paris, France sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was urgently needed.

The Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills over a long period, he decided to call it a day and to continue the interviewing process, the following day.

Just then, an armless Frenchman approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job.
The Bishop was incredulous.  “But, you have no arms, Monsieur!”

‘No matter,’ said the man. ‘Observe me, Excellency!’ And, pushing his way past the Bishop, he began striking the bells with his ugly face, producing a most beautiful melody on the carillon.

The Bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had found a sensational replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bells again in encore, the armless Frenchman tripped over a mallet and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street far below.

The stunned Bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, to reach the street.  A crowd had by now gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the Bishop through, one of them asked, ‘Bishop sir, who was this man?’

‘I don’t know his name,’ the Bishop sadly replied……..

( scroll down ………)

……………… BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL!’

WAIT! WAIT! There’s more….

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the Bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, ‘Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life, by allowing me to replace him in this duty.’

The Bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but as the armless man’s brother stooped to pick up a heavy mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died of heart failure on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the Bishop’s cries of anguish at this second shocking tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

‘What has happened?  Who is this man?’ the first monk asked breathlessly.

‘I don’t know his name,’ sighed the now distraught Bishop, ‘but…

HE’S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.’

If you wish to know who is to blame for this affront to humor….well, it’s K2!!!

 

1352

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.

By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm. The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone.

They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man’s tractor.

“Hank,” the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. “Did you see this terrible accident happen?”

“Yep. Sure did,” the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor’s engine.

“Do you realize that was Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?”

“Yep.”

“Were there any survivors?”

“Nope. They’s all kilt straight out,” the farmer answered. “I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning.”

“President Obama is dead?” the sheriff asked.

“Well,” the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. “He kepta-saying he wasn’t…

But you know how bad that sumbitch lies.”

 

! BIRDBRAINS Drop-In Template.ai

 

THE BROTHEL
 
The madam opened the brothel door in Montreal and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
 
“May I help you sir?” she asked.
 
The man replied, “I want to see Valerie.”
 
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else” , said the madam.
 
He replied, “No, I must see Valerie.”
 
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.
 
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
 
After an hour, the man calmly left.
 
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
 
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
 
“There are no discounts. The price is still $5000.”
 
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie , and they went upstairs.
 
After an hour, he left.
 
The following night the man was there yet again.
 
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
 
After their session, Valerie said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?”
 
The man replied, ” New Brunswick .”
 
“Really,” she said. “I have family in New Brunswick .”
 
  “I know.” the man said. “Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000
  inheritance.”
 
The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:
 
1. Death
2. Taxes; and
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

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I had planned on posting a scathing review of something new that was stupid that Obama or his assinine administration had done.  But, instead, I’m sending you this, from Ginny.  She sent it to me and I was touched so much that I want to send it to each and every one of you.  It’s called,

 The Train of Life:

THIS IS VERY BEAUTIFUL AND I AM HONORED TO HAVE RECEIVED IT…..NOW, ON TO YOU MY FRIEND!

At birth we boarded the train and met our parents, and we believe they will always travel on our side.

However, at some station our parents will step down from the train, leaving us on this journey alone.

As time goes by, other people will board the train; and they will be significant i.e. our siblings, friends, children, and even the love of your Life.

Many will step down and leave a permanent vacuum. Others will go so unnoticed that we don’t realize they vacated their seats.

This train ride will be full of joy, sorrow, fantasy, expectations, hellos, goodbyes, and farewells.

Success consists of having a good relationship with all passengers requiring that we give the best of ourselves.

The mystery to everyone is: We do not know at which station we ourselves will step down. So, we must live in the best way, love, forgive, and offer the best of who we are. It is important to do this because when the time comes for us to step down and leave our seat empty we should leave behind beautiful memories for those who will continue to travel on the train of Life.

I wish you a joyful journey on the train of life. Reap success and give lots of love. More importantly, thank God for the journey.

Lastly, I thank you for being one of the passengers on my train.

(By the way, I am not planning to get off the train anytime soon but if I do, just remember I am glad you were part of my journey.)

 

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!cid_9C9A0F3A696D49389189668ADE667166@LaptopJeff

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