Leprechaun Laughs # 386 for Wednesday March 22nd 2017

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After having to scramble to change my St Padrig’s Day menu  seeing as it fell on a Friday during Lent and there was no general dispensation regarding not eating meat on Friday it seemed the ‘fun’ I was experiencing since the beginning of 2017 wasn’t due to stop any time soon.

I was woken by a frantic Molly on Saturday morning to a household emergency, seems the sewer line which drains both our kitchen sinks and the ones above us was clogged someplace and what ever they were doing upstairs had resulted in both our kitchen sinks overflowing, flooding the counter and kitchen which meant the carpet in out dining room was also beginning to get wet.

With some rapid bailing out a handy window we were able to get ahead of the flooding until the maintenance folk arrived  some 45 minutes after my frantic call. As this was going on I discovered my case of eye strain was back again this time with a vengeance. This meant that after spending much of the day cleaning washing and mopping the kitchen in between people showing up to carpet shampoo the area of dining room rug which had gotten wet and suck all the water out of it that I couldn’t go to my office and continue to do my work which I’m already behind on, nor could I spend time making up an issue of Leprechaun Laughs.

This no screens restriction carried on through Sunday and up until noon today when I finally located my set of those rose colored night driving clip on glasses. While not nearly as effective as the recent yellow tint they can add to prescription glasses, by making some color changes, increasing font size, dimming my screen and taking frequent ‘eye relief breaks’ I’ve been able to get a wee bit done both on my normal work and on this issue 2 days running now.

I’m really hoping the 2017 turns around for us soon and seriously regret now listening to Molly and not making Hoppin’ John Soup for New Year’s to insure good luck for the year.

Alright time for an eye and coffee break for me lets get this rolling shall we?

Varrom

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This bar has a special services menu for guys only inside:

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Just MAYBE Impish is right, maybe winter has gone on too long…

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Iceman Viking Invaders? Definitely time for a thaw!

 

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There’s just no appeasing some folk. After getting to see those baby photos o’ me last issue, some o’ the very same folk have been agitating to see me (Phibber McGee’s) closet as well. Since I’ll likely get no peace from the nosey Nicky and Nora’s until I show it here it is: 

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Oh and I might mention there is a cat hidden in there (lower right side) as well when this was taken. How exactly she manages to get in there without actually disturbing anything or causing one of those famous avalanches is a great mystery.

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Well at least it’s honest work…she could have been a lawyer!

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I’ve been threatened err… informed that is that cat photos and in particular references to the Illustrious and Rightfully Feared Ninja Kitty Clan have fallen off significantly as of late.

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Let me show you the way to my only half full food dish human!

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That’s Casper. He’s one of the Ninja Cat Clan’s top infiltrators and spies.

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This is Screwball. Bet you can’t guess how that name was arrived at! He’s actually a specialist at Nonconventional Warfare & Tactics.

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I’m confident this one is going to cost me big time, but I still couldn’t resist posting it.

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Can I getz all da toona salad pez?
That’s Chauncey. He’s a “Procurement Specialist” (pronounce that ‘scrounger’)

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See? TOLD YOU I was going to pay for posting that Human superiority Meme!
This is Murgatroyd he’s in the ‘wet works’ division.

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PS_0742_DUMB_QUESTIONSPS_0888W_SARCASTIC_WITPS_0769_EVERYDAY_LASTPS_1048W_UNSTOPPABLEPS_0146W_NERD_BADASSSave Plants Eat Bacon

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My new concept and slogan for the annual pro seat belt use message contest put on by the National Institute of Safety:

“Belt Your Wife and Save Her Life”

Cliche Scene Investigators

Dats Just Cool

 

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Dang! Out of time! I guess one of the first things I learned as a wee one is still true today:

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Well I’ll just have to catch you next week when hopefully I have more time.

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Dragon Laffs #1351

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Campers
It’s been a difficult week around here.  For example, today is Thursday and Mrs. Dragon had a bad night.  Well, that’s a bit of an understatement.  She had a really, really bad night and neither of us got any sleep.  So, I had to take the day off.  Which does have a silver lining, since I haven’t even started this issue until today.

You may remember Lethal’s prayer request for Diaman’s wonderful sister Jeanie on Wednesday.  Her six-year triumph over cancer came back for a rematch and Thursday she went under the knife.

Let me tell the next bit in Diaman’s own words: “Every prayer was answered…the doctor was so pleased that he found NO more cancer.  She was out of the surgery by 8:30a.m. and we just got home at 1p.m.”  That was on Thursday. 

And from Friday: “Please thank everyone for their prayers…every prayer was answered.  Yesterday was a miracle of a day…just to see the joy on the doctor’s face of the success of the surgery.  I’m doing fine taking care of what she needs.  We are just awed by all the good wishes and prayers.”

Prayers and good thoughts DO work.  From Lethal and I, thank you to each and every one of you who took the time, made the effort and passed on good wishes, blessings, prayers and lighted candles.

So, let’s go ahead and get to the laughter because I’m sure it’s more than me who needs it, I’m sure.

Let's Laugh

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Everyone has their favorites, but there are a few of us who know the truth.
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And anyone who’s ever spoken to Ginny or Diaman knows the truth of this next part……

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And finally, all of us agree, that we are so very, very proud to have these:

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Kids are great…mostly.

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That look you get when someone is taking the last piece of pie.

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Two Brothers, a 6 year old Lethal Leprechaun and a 4 year old Impish Dragon are raking the yard.
 
Lethal asks, “You know what? I think it’s about time we started learning to cuss.”
 
 
The 4 year old Dragon nods his head in approval.
 
 
The 6 year old Leprechaun continues,”When we go in for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.”
 
 
Impish agrees with enthusiasm.
 
 
When their mothera walks into the kitchen and asks the Leprechaun what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.
 
 
WHACK! He tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
 
 
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, “You can stay in there until I let you out!”
 
 
She then comes back downstairs, leans over and peers into the dragon’s eyes and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”
 
 
“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your ass it won’t be Cheerios!”

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Fantasy

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“Ginny!  Get in the house before you get hit by lightning!”

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I talked to a  homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, “Up until last month, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.”

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, “What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?”

“Oh no, nothing like that,” he said.  “No, no…. I was paroled.”

 

Ain’t that the truth!  When I was working as a dispatcher for the State Police, I worked part time in the county jail to help make ends meet, since the state didn’t pay its dispatchers enough money to keep a bird alive.  Here I am, scrimping and saving and counting pennies.  I have basic cable, like 14 channels and no special channels at all.  The inmates in jail?  Like 200 channels!  Makes perfect sense.

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The wife’s back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie   last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
 
I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
 
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or “foreplay”   as she likes to call it.

 
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Screw it, soldier on!”

I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got   downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves
 
breakfast until 11:30.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with. I told her, “Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!”

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, “I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!”
“Oh,” I replied, “so now you want me to stay!”



A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I’ve just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she’s moving during sex.

 

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Critter

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Yeah, I’m way more the top one then the bottom one.

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Politics

Here There Be Truth!!!

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So, I got so involved and it was so much fun, that you got more of the political cartoons then normal.  If you have any complaints, then I can send you to the dragon who is in charge of complaints, for the rest of you, you’re welcome.

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My friends.  I would love to keep going with this issue, but I’ve run out of strength.  So, this is as good a place as any to stop. 

May you have a wonderful week until we meet again.

Cheers

Impish Dragon

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Leprechaun Laughs for St. Patrick’s Day 2017

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Cead Mile Failte Door plaque

A Hundred Thousand Welcome to the 2017 St. Padraig’s Day Issue! Now don’t be giving me the hairy eyebrow look, I’m just as shocked as you are that there is a St. Padraig’s Day Issue. Seems certain things in life will just simply refuse to be put aside regardless of your intentions to the contrary.

Now while our Parton Readers will be getting’ a full on Irish Breakie, you common lot will have ta be making due with Irish Breakfast tea, fresh hot buttered scones and bacon sammies on good soda bread. Yes, there’s a wee Baileys for your tea but lets not have a repeat o’ last year with the drinking of cups o’ Bailey’s with a wee tea in them please. Otherwise Fr. Flannigan is sure in ta be reading your name out from the pulpit this Sunday whilst simultaneously blaming me for the entire sorry affair.

Yes I’m looking straight at you Ginny. Just because it’s snowing glaciers in Jersey doesn’t mean you can run right for the Baileys don’t ya be knowin’!

Speaking o’ snowy scenes you’ll be noticing the scenery here about has changes thanks to the magical power of St Patrick’s Day. I fear however the effect may only be temporary and likely by Saturday ‘tis back to snow you’ll see.

Now be off with the like’s o’ ya now before the food and me tea gets cold.

Let's Roll 29

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‘Tis one o’ these I’ll be havin’ later ta be sure!

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OK now that all the opening proprieties and hospitalities have been observed, before we get to the merriment ‘tis an issue of great and serious import I have to discuss with ye.

Most of you are probably not aware the our Darlin’ Diaman has a lovely lass of a sister named Jeannie who is every bit the dear soul that Diaman is.

Six years ago Jeannie took on cancer head to head and beat it. Now it seems cancer has come back for a rematch. Round one of the return match is scheduled for tomorrow in the form of surgery.

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While Prayers, Blessings, Invocations, Convocations, Lighting of Offertory Candles &  Incense, Railing at and Storming of the Heavens, Harvesting of  and Rubbing the Green off Hectares of Shamrocks & 4 Leaf Clovers, the rubbing furless of 100s of rabbits feet (both feet per rabbit with the rabbits not being harmed, only greatly inconvenienced) and  Grand Assemblies of The Ancient Order of Hibernians, the Elder Fae Folk and Elder Dragons having all been scheduled on Jeanie’s behalf I’ll take no chances for when it comes to cancer I take no prisoners.

I would personally request that each of you offer a prayer, intention, moment of silent reflection what ever is the custom of your religion or family to bolster and aid Jeannie in her time of need. It doesn’t matter if you’ve not the tongue or words for prayer, God doesn’t hear words he hears intentions and heartfelt selflessness.

Impish and I think of you all as our extended internet family and families come together to support one another in times of trouble and hardship. Well for Jeannie (and Diaman as well) that time is now.

So I’m personally asking each one of you, PLEASE take just 30 seconds out of your day to help Jeannie beat cancer again.

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Thank you for your kind attention, let’s be on with the issue now so that she receives the medicinal gift of laughter as well.

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BEGORRAH! Now THAT is what I call proper “the wearing o’ the green”!

Galway Girl

 

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Some people have been wondering what I looked like as a wee one back before I became my Curmudgeonly Crabby Celtic self. Well here is your answer. Me Ma had photos of me hiding me very first pot o’ gold when I was but a wee shaver.

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Sniff! Looking back now I find it hard ta believe I was ever a one pot operation!

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The Jarvey was a Leprechaun – Val Doonican

 

Things besides St. Patty’s Day to celebrate in March

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March 15- Brutus Day  Beware the Ides of March and all the betrayers out to get you!

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March 16- Curlew Day Today’s the day to celebrate the long-billed bird that lives in the central and western part of North America. They probably have their own day because someone realized that no one had ever heard of them.

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March 16- Lips Appreciation Day Get out there an appreciate as many pairs of lips as you can! Or don’t, kissing one person works too.

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March 18- Play the Recorder Day “Hot Cross Buns” is okay on this day and on this day only.

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March 20- Won’t You Be My Neighbor Day  We all wished we had really lived next to Fred Rogers when we were kids, so celebrate his birthday by remembering the beloved TV star.

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March 22- National Goof-Off Day  Play hooky, go skinny-dipping, or just watch A Goofy Movie in bed. Whatever works for you.

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March 23- National Tamale Day  As if you needed an excuse to dedicate yet another day to delicious Mexican food. [One of the few Mexican foods I actually like]

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March 25- Pecan Day  No matter how you say it, on this day you can celebrate the fact that pecans really are all they’re cracked up to be.

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March 25- Tolkien Reading Day  The Tolkien Society created this annual holiday 17 years ago, so call in sick, curl up in your favorite reading chair and start the series for the first time, or enjoy it again.

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March 30- Grass is Always Browner On the Other Side of the Fence Day  Just because you think it’s better on the other side doesn’t mean it is.

[All it really means is they’re probably using a lawn service and you’re not]

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Ok it wouldn’t be a holiday issue without a wee lesson about something to do with the holiday so kindly pay attention while I attempt to enlighten you.

The above stylized image is a an ancient Irish Symbol known as the Claddagh. In modern times is it most often seen or associated with friendship/betrothal or wedding rings

The Claddagh ring (Irish: fáinne Chladaigh) is a traditional Irish ring given which represents love, loyalty, and friendship (the hands represent friendship, the heart represents love, and the crown represents loyalty).

The design and customs associated with it originated in the Irish fishing village of Claddagh, located just outside the old city walls of Galway, now part of Galway City. The ring, as currently known, was first produced in the 17th century.

The Claddagh ring belongs to a group of European finger rings called “fede rings”.  The name “fede” derives from the Italian phrase mani in fede (“hands [joined] in faith” or “hands [joined] in loyalty”). These rings date from Roman times, when the gesture of clasped hands was a symbol of pledging vows, and they were used as engagement/wedding rings in medieval and Renaissance Europe.

Fede rings are distinctive in that the bezel is cut or cast to form two clasped hands that symbolize faith and trust or “plighted troth”. The Claddagh ring is a variation on the fede ring, while the hands, heart, and crown motif was used in England in the early 18th century.

Towards the end of the 20th century there was an explosion of interest in the Claddagh Ring, both as jewelry and as an icon of Irish identity. In recent years it has been embellished with interlace designs and combined with other Celtic and Irish symbols, but this is a very recent phenomenon that corresponds with the worldwide expansion in popularity of the Claddagh ring as an emblem of Irish identity.

Galway has produced Claddagh rings continuously since at least 1700, but the name “Claddagh ring” was not used before the 1830s.

As an example of a maker, Bartholomew Fallon was a 17th-century Irish goldsmith, based in Galway, who made Claddagh rings until circa 1700. His name first appears in the will of one Dominick Martin, also a jeweler, dated 26 January 1676, in which Martin willed Fallon some of his tools. Fallon continued working as a goldsmith until 1700. His are among the oldest surviving examples of the Claddagh ring, in many cases bearing his signature.

There are many legends about the origins of the ring, particularly concerning Richard Joyce, a silversmith from Galway circa 1700, who is said to have invented the Claddagh design as we know it.  Legend has it that Joyce was captured and enslaved by Algerian Corsairs around 1675 while on a passage to the West Indies; he was sold into slavery to a Moorish goldsmith who taught him the craft.[11] King William III sent an ambassador to Algeria to demand the release of any and all British subjects who were enslaved in that country, which at the time would have included Richard Joyce. After fourteen years, Joyce was released and returned to Galway and brought along with him the ring he had fashioned while in captivity: what we’ve come to know as the Claddagh. He gave the ring to his sweetheart, married, and became a goldsmith with “considerable success”. His initials are in one of the earliest surviving Claddagh rings but there are three other rings also made around that time, bearing the mark of goldsmith Thomas Meade.

The Victorian antiquarian Sir William Jones described the Claddagh, and gives Chambers’ Book of Days as the source, in his book Finger Ring Lore. Jones says:

The clasped hands [style ring]… are… still the fashion, and in constant use in [the]… community [of] Claddugh [sic] at [County] Galway…. [They] rarely [intermarry] with others than their own people.

An account written in 1906 by William Dillon, a Galway jeweler, claimed that the “Claddagh” ring was worn in the Aran Isles,  Connemara and beyond. Knowledge of the ring and its customs spread within the British Isles during the Victorian period, and this is when its name became established.  Galway jewelers began to market it beyond the local area in the 19th century.  Further recognition came in the 20th century.

The Claddagh’s distinctive design features two hands clasping a heart and usually surmounted by a crown. These elements symbolize the qualities of love (the heart), friendship (the hands), and loyalty (the crown). A “Fenian” Claddagh ring, without a crown, is a slightly different take on the design but has not achieved the level of popularity of the crowned version.  Claddagh rings are relatively popular among the Irish and those of Irish heritage, such as Irish Americans, as cultural symbols and as friendship, engagement and wedding rings.

While Claddagh rings are sometimes used as friendship rings, they are most commonly used as engagement and wedding rings. Mothers sometimes give these rings to daughters when they come of age. There are several mottos and wishes associated with the ring, such as: “Let love and friendship reign.” In Ireland, the United States, Canada, and other parts of the Irish diaspora, the Claddagh is sometimes handed down mother-to-eldest daughter or grandmother-to-granddaughter.

According to Irish author Colin Murphy, a Claddagh ring was worn with the intention of conveying the wearer’s relationship status:

  1. On the right hand with the point of the heart toward the fingertips: the wearer is single and may be looking for love.
  2. On the right hand with the point of the heart toward the wrist: the wearer is in a relationship.
  3. On the left hand with the point of the heart toward the fingertips: the wearer is engaged.
  4. On the left hand with the point of the heart toward the wrist: the wearer is married.

There are other localized variations and oral traditions, involving the hand and the finger on which the Claddagh is worn. Folklore about the ring is relatively recent, not ancient, with “very little native Irish writing about the ring”. Hence, the difficulty today in finding any source that describes or explains the traditional ways of wearing the ring.

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Danny Boy (Instrumental) – Eric Clapton

 

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And now you see why we do!

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[“Kiss me I’m Irish” in Gaelic] or maybe you’d prefer this:

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It’s also the reason behind this claim about the Almighty…

 

I received the following e-mail from Reader (and recipe critic/lover) Ginny:

Got this email from a friend….thought you would get a kick out of it……

Here’s a true Irish story I told Lo & John the other day.  April brought home cupcakes the other day all decorated in green & I said, “Oh, St. Patrick’s Day cupcakes”.

No. The package was labeled, Shamrock Celebration Cupcakes. Guess St Patrick’s is not PC anymore. 

Well I say:

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Wolfe Tones – Wearing Of The Green

“The Wearing of the Green” is an anonymously-penned Irish street ballad dating to 1798. The context of the song is the repression around the time of the Irish Rebellion of 1798. Wearing a shamrock in the “caubeen” (hat) was a sign of rebellion and green was the color of the Society of the United Irishmen, a republican revolutionary organization. During the period, displaying revolutionary insignia was made punishable by hanging.

Lyrics:

O Paddy dear, an’ did ye hear the news that’s goin’ round?
The shamrock is by law forbid to grow on Irish ground;
St. Patrick’s Day no more we’ll keep, his colour can’t be seen,
For there’s a bloody law against the wearin’ o’ the Green.

O I met with Napper Tandy, and he took me by the hand
And he asked ‘How’s poor old Ireland, and how does she stand?’
She’s the most distressful country this world has yet to see
For they’re hangin’ men and women there for wearin’ o’ the green

And if the colour we must wear is England’s cruel red,
Will serve to remind us of all the blood that she has shed,
So take the shamrock from your hat and cast it in the sod,
But never fear, ’twill take root there, though under foot ’tis trod

When law can stop the blades of grass from growin’ as they grow,
And when the leaves in summer time, their colours dare not show,
Then I too will change the colour I wear in my caubeen,
But ’till that day, praise God, I’ll stick to wearin’ o’ the green.

There won’t be any of this sort of  pansy ass liberal Politically Correct Censorship/Repression bloody nonsense on MY watch I can ASSURE you!

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Rising of the Moon-Clancy Brothers & Tommy Makem

Chicago PBS special, July 1962

The ‘Guinness Castle’ in Ireland is on the market

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Here’s one high-roller way to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day: Snatch up the castle that beer bought.

The historic “Guinness Beer Castle” — dubbed that because Guinness Beer heiress was once gifted the home. The formal title of the estate is actually “Luggala,” and dates back to 1787. Ernest Guinness bought the property, located just outside of Dublin, in 1937 and gave it to his daughter, Oonagh. 

It sits on 5,000 acres of land and includes roughly 19,099 square feet of living space.

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“With its low-lying crenellated roofline, the whitewashed structure makes a striking statement against the dark-wooded backdrop. Leaning toward Gothic style, it is awash with little battlements, crochets, trefoil and quatrefoil windows and ogee mantelpieces throughout,” Real Estate Deals reports. “Structures on the property include the main house with seven bedrooms, dining room, large entrance hall, three main reception rooms and library, a four-bedroom guest house and another 17 bedrooms between seven lodges and cottages within the estate.”

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In Robert O’Byrne’s book, “Luggala Days: The Story of a Guinness House,” it’s described as “the most decorative honey pot in Ireland. The text also offers salacious details of the parties thrown at the property.

The price tag on this impressive parcel? About 28 million euros, or about $29.5 million.

I’m trying to convenience Molly ta move back to the Uld Sod with me so I can buy it. So far the Luck o’ the Irish isn’t proving enough ta get her ta be leaving her family behind.

Take Me back to Ireland Mary Prendergast

 

Reader Ginny o’ the Weak Knees sent us this helpful chart for all you non-Irish ta figure out your Leprechaun named for the day.

Leprechaun Name

Seems that hers comes out to ‘Grouchy McNoodles’, while Diaman’s is ‘Dreamy O’Gratin’ and Impish becomes ‘Itchy O’Goofy’ for the day.

Fortunately I am a Leprechaun so I still remain “Lethal Leprechaun”.

If you’re of the opinion we Leprechaun’s made this entire thing up just to have a goodly laugh at you once a year drunken Irishman’s expense…you’re a whole lot smarter (and probably more sober) than we gave ya credit for!

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“Tis the partin o’ our ways we’ve come ta, so I’ll be wishin’  ya’  ‘Good Night and Joy Be to You All’.

Éirinn go Brách!

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Dragon Laffs #1530

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A couple of announcements this morning.  2b

You may be wondering why the background is still winter snow on the blog when it’s March already.  Well,  mostly because, as I’m looking out the window, we are having flurries right now, and unless the forecast changes, we’re going to have a winter storm warning on Monday!  So yes, although I’m very sick and tired of winter, it seems as though it is still here.

Now, I may not be the brightest dragon on the block, but that damn groundhog’s six-week prediction expires on Friday, March 17th!  … Something else is happening on that day, too….hmmm….I’m not sure, but I think our own dear Lethal Leprechaun will probably tell us a little bit about that on Wednesday.

This next announcement is a bit of bad news….and I’m really sorry.  Tonight, when  you go to bed, you’re going to lose an hour’s sleep because it’s daylight savings time…again.  Daylightsavingstime1Officially, at 0100 hours Sunday morning, through the benefit of modern magic, it becomes 0200 hours.  Why in the world are we still doing this nonsense?Daylightsavingstime4

Anyway, I’m sorry I had to give you that bad news, but ….there it is.  Now, let’s get to the laughter…

let's laugh

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This next one is from Papa Dragon Most Senior (we’ve got to come up with a shorter name for him) and it’s the perfect American solution.

MUSLIMS REQUEST BEACH BAN..
..Scroll Down..
 
In Florida, Muslims request BEACH BAN “BIKINIS” DURING RAMADAN.

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There we go again – Bowing to the Muslim wishes again!

Very elegant solution!

An ancient green leprechaun came into the Doctor’s office and complained of being tired. The Doctor asked if he’d done anything unusual lately.
Lethal Mr. Leprechaun said, “Well, Wednesday night I picked up a 20-year-old secretary, went back to her place, and nailed her 3 times. Thursday, I met a 19-year-old waitress at the diner and we went out to Lover’s Rock and made love 4 times. Friday, I went out with an 18-year-old friend of my granddaughter’s and we ended up making it in the back of my Ford. Saturday I was lured into a motel by 17-year-old twins…”
The Doctor said, “That’s absolutely astonishing. But with all the dangers of sex these days, I hope you took proper precautions.”
“Of course,” the green one replied, “I gave ’em all phony names…”   Official Disclaimer: No particular Leprechaun, implied or named, was the focus of the above story.   2599

When I was a real youngster, the kid who had this in his backyard was the luckiest kid in the neighborhood and all the parents knew exactly where their kids were.

Dragon

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“Well hey baby, you come to this beach often?”

I found this next one really interesting…

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Here are some really awesome Great Truths.  Send in by my dad.  I’m sure you’ve heard some, most or even all of these before, but the nature of Great Truths, is that they are forever worth repeating.

GREAT TRUTHS
  
1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.  
John Adams
2. If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed,
if you do read the newspaper you are  misinformed.
Mark Twain
3. Suppose you were an idiot.
And  suppose you were a member of  Congress.
But then I repeat  myself.
Mark Twain
4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
Winston Churchill
5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George  Bernard Shaw
  
6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
G. Gordon  Liddy
  
7. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.  
P.J. O’Rourke,Civil Libertarian
  
8. Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:
If it  moves, tax it.
If it keeps  moving, regulate it.
And if it  stops moving, subsidize it.  
Ronald Reagan(1986)

  
9. I don’t make jokes.  I just watch the government and report the  facts.
Will Rogers
10. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free!  
P. J. O’Rourke
                      
11. No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.  
Mark Twain(1866)

  
12. Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it.
Anonymous
13. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
— Winston Churchill
  
14. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.  
— 
  
Mark Twain

  
15. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class, save Congress.
Mark Twain
  
16. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians  
Edward Langley
,
Artist (1928-1995)

  
17. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything  you have.
Thomas Jefferson
   2603
 
And again, more truisms that, at times, need to be repeated for people to remember.
FIVE BEST SENTENCES
1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealthy
out of prosperity.
  
2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
  
3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
  
4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.
  
5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work, because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the  beginning of the end of any nation!

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Fantasy

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“The name is Bond…Jane Bond.”

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.  I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

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I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.  She seemed surprised.

 

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I’ve seen that guy around…a lot!

I have the heart of a lion!  (And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.)

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This one is for my brother Lethal:

Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5 and 6 come before 1, 2, and 3?

Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.

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Politicians

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4b

 

4c

 

4d

 

4e

 

4f

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That’s just how I roll.

(I know, that was pretty awful)  (I’m done now)

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9j

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
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Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. 

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, ‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.’ 

‘I have a better idea,’ she replied in a sultry tone, ‘Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married’.

‘Wow! That’s a great idea!’ he exclaimed.

‘Good,’ she replied, ‘Get your own fucking blanket!’ 

After a moment of silence, he farted.

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This is truly amazing!  And very fitting that it happened in Indianapolis, the basketball capital of the world!  Hoosier Hysteria breaks out everywhere!

Central Christian Academy’s Josh Clanton sinks a full court shot to win a High School play off game against Indianapolis Arlington.

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I put the thingamabob inside the whatchamacallit, turned the doohickey and the wuteveritis still doesn’t work!
Any ideas?

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Critter

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Yeah, me too Fido, but we don’t have much choice any more.

In the swim-meet, after the blond came in last competing in the breast stroke,  she complained to the judges that all the other girls were using their arms.

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(In case you can’t tell, that little smilie is performing a “rim-shot”…you know … ta-dum, dum, dum!)

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I love this one.  I had no idea I was a pet person until later in life and this is so darn true.

Dear Cats & Dogs:

When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not to switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
cat
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

Tcat3he stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this.  Do nothappy dog think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Cats and dogs actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary tocute dog and cat sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.  If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years–canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

Tdog face littlehe proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cat or dog’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door.

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don’t.

2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it “fur”niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.

4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.
Puppy shocked
Dogs and cats are easier  than kids…they eat less, don’t ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don’t hang out with drug-using friends, don’t smoke or drink, don’t worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don’t wear your clothes, and don’t need a gazillion dollars for college–and,you get them spayed and or neutered and if and accident happens and they get pregnant, you can sell the children.

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Motivate

Moron

Mother in law visits

mother's day

Mother's Love

motivation

Motivation2

 

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THE MEDICAL DISTINCTION BETWEEN “GUTS” AND “BALLS”
We’ve heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”,  or with “Balls”. Do they, however, know the difference between them?
Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.
GUTS – It is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the “Guts”  too ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”
BALLS – It is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “Balls” to say:  ‘You’re next, Chubby.’
I trust this clears up any confusion.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal…

 

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9v

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Last Word

And finally, today’s Last Word is more of a Last Reminder and it’s brought to you by Lethal Leprechaun…

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US daylight savings time means spring ahead 1 hour

WASHINGTON >> It’s time to change time again. Daylight saving time returns this weekend in the United States.

The short-term pain: Lose an hour of sleep Saturday night. The long-term gain: Enjoy more evening light in the months ahead, when the weather warms and you want to be outdoors.

Advance your clocks by 60 minutes before tucking in, so you’re not caught off-guard Sunday morning. For most of the U.S., the change officially starts Sunday at 2 a.m. local time.

You may want to install fresh batteries in smoke detectors and radios, and repeat that when standard time returns Nov. 5.

No time change is observed in Hawaii, most of Arizona, Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands, American Samoa, Guam and the Northern Marianas.

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Cheers Impish

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Leprechaun Laughs # 382 for March 8th 2017

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[The train is made completely of/from Ice and Snow. My understanding is that you can actually enter certain portions of it]

Good morning.

I have one housekeeping announcement before moving right to the issue as I am excessively swamped as a result of several kicks in the teeth and head from 2017 the latest being the loss of all Internet related services for 36 hours last Friday & Saturday. As a result I am almost an entire week behind now on my business.

This year’s St. Patrick’s Day issue will likely be greatly curtailed since it isn’t nearly as close to my regular posting day as it has been the past several years.

Honestly as a result of several major personal events in my life in recent weeks and their on going aftermath, as well as a death in my family on the 17th of March last year, I find myself without the enthusiasm for or will to make the extra time required to put out a special issue for a day that has no real bearing on or serious meaning for most of you.

Speaking of issues, enough seriousness already, lets get this one started.

Let's Roll 26

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I’ll have a double of what the deceased had please!

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What’s coffee w/o doughnuts?

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Top to Bottom:

Oreo Donut: (white frosting filling w/ chocolate crumbles on top)

Nutella Cream: (Bavarian cream filling Nutella and crush hazel nuts)

S’mores Doughnut: (Old fashion Doughnut with Dark Chocolate dip mini marshmallows & graham cracker crumbles)

DAMN! It’s been so long since I posted food I totally forgot to have Ginny and her weak knees secured beforehand. Someone please help her up off the floor.

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Dats Just Cool

Almost too darn beautiful to contemplate using!

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I could have used a set up like this more than once in my life!

Want that

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Wait for it, if you watch long enough you’ll see it as it comes by.

watch for it

Stationary

The distinguished-looking elderly man asked at the department store information kiosk where he might purchase some personal stationery.

He was directed to the notions department on the third floor, but in the crowded elevator he became confused and got off on the fourth floor by mistake.
Approaching the attractive floor manager standing near the elevator doors, he said, “Excuse me, Miss, but do you have notions?”
“Sure,” she replied mischievously, “but during the work week I try to suppress them until after five o’clock.”
“No, no, you don’t understand,” he stammered. “I mean to say, do you keep stationery?”

 

HELL NO 3

OH HELLS NO! THAT is NEVER going to happen! EWWWW!

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As long as we’re being “potty minded” for a moment…

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Speaking of toilets and OH HELLS NO! This seems like the right place for this next bit…

There are important questions to be answered about recent LGBT bathroom legislation and whether transgender people will be permitted to use a restroom of the gender that they “identify” with or be required to use the restroom of their biological gender.

If the latter, will public restrooms be required to have a Genital Inspection Station posted at the entrance to all public restrooms?

Who will have to pay these Pecker Checkers, the people using the restroom, or the entity that owns the restroom?

And how much money will a Pecker Checker be paid to check peckers?

Or, do we pay a Pecker Checker by the number of peckers checked?

How many peckers can a Pecker Checker check if a Pecker Checker could check peckers?

What has this country come to when the U.S. Department of Labor has to create a new job description of Politically Correct Restroom Service Inspectors?

Want to guess their motto ?

“If You gotta pee – We gotta see!”

I hear the TSA while this issue technically has no bearing on travel is angling to be in charge of the checking given their vast experience in genital groping at airports.

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Who knew there were people you could hire for help with this?

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Somehow this next one just seemed to belong right after this one. I don’t know why.

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Joining a Biker Club

A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club.

One day she goes up and knocks on a biker’s door. A big hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.
“She proclaims, “I want to join your club.”
The guy was amused, but explains that she needs to meet certain criteria biker requirements in order to join the club. The biker asks, “Do you have a motorcycle?”
The little old lady replies, “Yep, my bike’s parked over there,” and pointed to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, “Do you drink?”
The little old lady replies, “Yep, drink like a fish…beer mostly, whiskey when I’m shooting pool. I’ll drink everyone in your club under the table.”
The biker is surprised but then asks, “Do you smoke?”
The little old lady replies, “Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day, and cigars when I’m drinking whiskey and shooting pool.”
The biker is very impressed and asks, “Last question, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz…?”
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, “Nope, but I’ve been swung around by my nipples a few times……”

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A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport ..

The pilot comes on the intercom, ‘This is your Captain…

We’re on our final descent into Tampa I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area’.

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot,

‘So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we’re in Tampa ?’

‘Well,’ says the skipper, ‘first I’m gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap….then I’m gonna take that new stewardess with the big boobs out for dinner…. I’m gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.’

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot’s talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.

She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady’s bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: ‘No need to hurry, dear.  He’s gotta land the plane and take a crap first.’

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Old Timers Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, ‘Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?  We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.’

‘Yes’, she says, ‘I remember it well.’

‘OK,’ he says, ‘How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?’ 

‘Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!’ ;

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation, and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, ‘I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.  I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.’ 

So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.  Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.  As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.  This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.  Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. 

The policeman is amazed.  He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.  The policeman is still watching.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, ‘Excuse me, but that was something else.  You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together.  Is there some sort of secret to this?’

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, ‘Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.’

Jerry Lee Lewis – “Whole Lotta Shakin’ Goin On”

 

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