Dragon Laffs

Well, this is unusual.

Today is Friday and I’m not working from home. I’m working from work. But, not my work, Holly’s work. 

See, I’m off work and Holly had to work so she suggested I come to where she works, a library, to work.  So, I’m sitting here, writing to you guys, in a library, and get the occasional smooch as she walks by.

I could get used to this.

God has been good to me. Had the electricity go out at my house … but not all of it. Just upstairs in Izzy’s rooms. Circuit breaker didn’t pop, nothing seemed wrong, just that the power didn’t work. I called a buddy of mine who is an electrician both privately and for the Air Force and he came by the house the next day, while I was at the jail (!) doing ministry work and had it sorted before I got home! Saved me a ton of money. 

Turns out the ceiling fan in her room had been installed without using wire nuts and instead the ends had been taped together. Well, as you can imagine, not being protected properly, one of the wires burned through and since the house is old and wired in series, everything past that connection stopped working. Now, I need to check the other fan upstairs and see if it was done stupidly as well.

But, because he found it, it saved me a ton of money that I didn’t have, when I offered to pay him, he said, “a cup of coffee.” 

I am so blessed!

And now, let’s bless all of us with some laughter for the day.

Ummm … Yeah, never mind.

During World War II, four prisoners are captured and brought back to a German base, set to await the death penalty in their cells. The prisoners are a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman and an Englishman.

One morning, a German officer comes in and tells the prisoners, “You are to be lined up and each shot in turn, but before you are shot you get a final request.”

The Scotsman says, “Before I’m shot I’d like to hear Highland Cathedral played on the bagpipes once again, to remind me of the old country.”

The German nods, “That can be arranged.”

The Irishman says, “Before I die, I’d like to hear Danny Boy sung, with Riverdancers skipping gaily to the tune to remind me of the old country.”

The German nods, “That can also be arranged.”

The Welshman says, “For the last time before I die I’d like to hear Men of Harlech again, sung by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir, to remind me of the old country.”

The German nods, “Yes. That can be arranged.”

“You’re going to grant those three requests?” asks the Englishman.

“Of course,” says the German officer. “So… what is your request?”

And the Englishman says, “Can I be shot first?”

This one is from Joe:

Hi Everyone,

I don’t know about you but I keep seeing a lot of ads for ‘Tiny Houses’. They all look lovely though I doubt they’d stay that nice and neat. 

My big concern and something you should really check out is:

Where are you going to park it?

Will you have a water source?

How will you handle the septic issue? The built in tank has to be emptied.  How often depends on how many people live there. 

Is this unit insulated for local winters? 

Also, before buying, check your local zoning laws. How your town classifies it could be a major factor. 

The fact that you are on one of my lists tells me that you are way above average but pass this information to a friend or family member if they seem interested. 

      Regards,    …Joe

I don’t know anything about tiny houses…my regular sized one is giving me enough trouble.

I had to stay overnight in the hospital for some tests. As I was settling into bed, my roommate—an old man in his seventies, was on the phone ordering breakfast from the hospital cafeteria:

“First off, give me scrambled eggs—extra runny. Flash-cook ’em for about seven seconds and make sure there’s at least one whole, crunchy eggshell mixed in.”

“Next, black coffee. Cold. Not iced—just a lukewarm cup that’s been sitting out on a counter for two days.”

“Finally—and I know this sounds strange—I want a glass of orange juice served in a used urine specimen cup. A faint taste of urine settles my stomach.”

Suddenly, a loud screech came blasting out of the earpiece: “That is absolutely disgusting! We can’t do that!”

The old man shook his head, adjusted his thick glasses, and said:

“Why not? You did it yesterday!”

And that’s it for today, my dear friends. I hope you had as much fun as I did. Until we meet again, be loved, be safe, be comforted.

Columbus Day. A day off for another holiday that the left is trying to hijack. Indigenous People’s Day or some such.  Yeah, Columbus may have been a jerk, but aren’t we all?  Doesn’t have to denigrate his work.

But, we also know that Leif Erickson was there first, so there’s that.

Anyway, enough about that. We are in the midst of celebrating Halloween, so let’s get back to that … amongst the other funnies, of course.

Carolyn’s car was in for service so her son picked Miss C up from work one evening, and she seemed a bit irritated. 

Carolyn complained that the day hadn’t gone well, and on top of everything else, a young customer had addressed her as “Ma’am.” 

“I’m not that old! !!” Carolyn insisted. ” I deserve more respect.” 

Miss C continued to vent the whole way home while hitting the scan button on the radio. 

Finally her son asked, ” Mom what are you looking for?” 

Carolyn replied, “The oldies station.”

And an atheist would say that this all came about by accident.

An older gentleman walks into a local jewelry store on a Friday afternoon, holding a small, elegant velvet ring box. He sets it on the counter and asks to speak with the manager.

“How can I help you today, sir?” the manager asks warmly.

The man opens the box, revealing a sparkling diamond ring. “I bought this ring here thirty years ago for my wife on our anniversary. It’s a gorgeous piece, but I’d like to ask about your store’s return policy.”

The manager blinks in surprise. “Sir… thirty years ago? I’m afraid our standard return window is thirty days. Is there a flaw with the diamond?”

“No, no, the diamond is perfect,” the man says calmly.

“Was there a problem with the band or the setting?” the manager asks, thoroughly confused.

The man takes a slow breath, shakes his head, and says:

“No, the setting held up fine. But when I bought it, you guaranteed it would make her speechless. It’s been 30 years and she still haven’t stop yapping.”

From Joe who tells us that this is important for all of us.

Boy, ain’t that the truth!

It got cut off at the top, but it says “Monsters that cannot be killed.”

But it’s the truth! They are losing!

And that’s it friends. May the rest of your day be as much fun as Dragon Laffs!

The Coke header is there for a reason! See, I had been taking this medicine that makes all carbonated beverages taste like metal. Well, my doctor allowed me to come off that medicine because the reason I was taking it is no longer valid. (That’s a long story we’re not going to get into.) So I haven’t had a diet Coke in like 10 years…or MORE! Well, I’ve had two of them over the last two days. Man, I’ve missed these. LOL.

But, enough about me. Let’s talk about laffs!

A 75 year old man goes in for his physical. After running a few tests, the doctor looks over his chart, smiles, and says, “Well, everything looks fantastic! Your blood pressure is great, your heart is strong, and you’re in excellent shape, even for a man half your age. Out of curiosity, what’s your secret? How do you stay so healthy?”

The man grins and says, “It’s simple, Doc. I attribute it all to my outdoor lifestyle. My wife and I made a solemn vow when we got married forty years ago: whenever we get into an argument, whoever turns out to be wrong has to go outside and walk five miles.”

The doctor laughs. “That’s a clever agreement! But how does that explain your great health?”

The man looks the doctor dead in the eye and says:

“Doc, I’ve been living outdoors for forty years.”

Damn!  I think I married her, once.

I notice you CHANGED it to Bob.

Louisiana, New Orleans

Snakes are not allowed within 200 yards of the Mardi Gras parade route

OH PLEASE!  We have no idea how good we have it here in America. I don’t care what color you are!  If you don’t like your circumstances, stop  being a whinny little baby and do something to change them.  Grow up, act like adults and stopping blaming all your problems on someone or something else. Take responsibility for yourself. In other words, GROW UP!

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. 

He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.

He inquired of the tour guide, “Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?” 

“No,” replied the guide. “It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.” 

“Never heard of him. What did he write?”

“A cheque”, replied the guide.

Joe sent us a little letter about his family…

Impish,

My grandfather did not believe in eating bananas. 

He said that by the time you skinned it and threw

the bone away, you didn’t have anything left!

I don’t know why we are here, but I’m pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves. 

– Ludwig Wittgenstein (1889-1951)

One of the greatest oldies I’ve ever read.  I like to repeat this one every time it comes around. Thanks, Joe!

Dear Sir;

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. 

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. 

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs. 
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. 

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form. 

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. 

At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. 

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. 
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. 

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope. 

And that’s it for this one. I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did.  Until next time.

Thursday…came home early from work cause I’m not feeling well. So, I’m spending the afternoon with my comfort group…you guys.

So, let’s get back into celebrating Halloween and have some fun.

Of course you did! You can’t tame a dragon!

Look what I saw the other day. How about a close up!

Beautiful! With blood and guts on his beak!

This pretty much describes me almost every single work day.

Now, that’s one I’d watch on Live Stream!

Minnesota Law

All bathtubs must have feet.

He really does not look happy to be having his picture taken.

It may take a minute, but you’ll work it out.

A group of golfers were telling tall stories. 

At last came the veteran’s turn. 

“Well,” he said, “I once drove a ball, accidentally of course, through a cottage window. The ball knocked over an oil lamp and the place caught on fire!” 

“What did you do?” asked his friends.

“Oh,” said the veteran, “I immediately teed another ball, took careful aim, and hit the fire alarm on Main Street. That brought out the fire engines before any major damage was done.” 

“I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.” 

Galileo Galilei (1564-1642)

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newly-weds do, time and time again, all night long.

Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.  He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.  

When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, “What’s that?” pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, “Well, that’s what we had so much fun with last night.” 

And she, in amazement, asked, “Is that all we have left?” 

I don’t know anything about music. In my line you don’t have to.

-Elvis Presley (1935-1977)

And that’s it my brothers and sisters, friends, and family. You’ll have to excuse me. I have a library to get to.  Be well, be happy, be loved.

Well, it’s October and I just checked my Halloween folder and I have like a gazillion memes.  So, starting today and running through the 31st, I’ll be throwing some Halloween flavor in each issue. To help those of you who celebrate this holiday to enjoy.

In other news … I don’t have any other news. So, let’s jump in.

Massachusetts  Law

Bullets may not be used as currency.

Aussie Pete, you sure send me an awful lot of these “Meanwhile in Australia” Memes.

And no, that’s not a challenge!

A pompous Baptist minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. 

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. 

The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. 

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. 

He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips.” 

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me too. I didn’t know we had a choice.” 

This is getting out of hand.

Okay, I see what you did there.

There was a blonde who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. 

She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: “I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 AM. Signed, The Blonde.” 

She pinned the note inside the boy’s jacket and told him to go straight home. 

The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. 

Also inside the bag was the following note:

“Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!”

Three absent-minded professors were talking together in a bus terminal.  

They got so engrossed in what they were saying that they didn’t notice the bus had pulled in. 

As the driver sang out,”All aboard,” they looked up startled and dashed from the platform.  

Two of them managed to hop on the bus, but the third didn’t make it. 

As he stood sadly watching the bus disappear into the distance, a stranger tried to cheer him up, saying, “You shouldn’t feel too bad.  

Two out of three made it, and that’s a pretty good average.” 

The professor shook his head.  “But THEY came to see ME off.” 

What do you mean, “Used To”?

Visiting St Patrick’s Cathedral on a tour of New York City, my daughter and her children were awed by the sight. 

The kids were especially curious about the votive candles, so my daughter asked if they’d each like to light one. 

She explained that is it customary to say a prayer of petition or thanks, and she was careful to tell them that these are not like birthday candles. 

“Do you have any questions?” she asked.

“No,” said the 5-year-old, “but if there’s a pony outside, it’s mine.” 

Joe as poet:

An astronomer slept in the sun, 
Then woke with his fly quite undone. 
He remarked, with a smile, 
“Hoorah! A sundial! 
And it’s now a quarter past one.”

Oh come on! What are they?

And that’s it for this one my friends. A little short, but I ran out of time. Hope you enjoyed it anyway. My love to you all!