Dragon Laffs #2106

Well Saturday I went out and spent a good part of the day with Mary’s family at a sort of Thanksgiving Day celebration kind of thing.  It was the first time I had been with any of them in person since Mary had passed away.

It was a hard day.

Everyone was very nice to me and very kind.  Everyone spoke to me and included me, which was very nice and I’m quite sure as difficult for them as it was for me.  I’m very sure I was a very large reminder for them of their missing sister.

It was a hard day.

Everyone commented on my very obvious weight loss.  They were quite complimentary until they found out how I lost the weight and the fact that my doctor had to threaten me with hospitalization and force feeding me if I didn’t stop it.  I told them I was trying to eat better.  I think I am, but I’m not really sure…lately.  When I get depressed, like I am now, I don’t want to eat because it makes me feel sick.  I’m trying to forget what time of year it is.  I just want this time to go by.  And it just seems to not want to.  

I made Lasagna Bob and had a piece of that to eat and a coconut macaroon and a molasses bar.  Oh, and a roll.  One of the best Lasagnas I’ve made in a LONG time.  2 meat, 5 cheese.  Probably weighed over 10 lbs.  One of my favorite foods in the whole world and I make one of the world’s best.  https://www.epicurean.com/articles/lasagna-bob.html  And yet I’m sitting here now, feeling sick to my stomach.

It’s been a hard day.

So, we going to put this day behind us and we’re going together let laughter cure our aching hearts.  So, any of you out there who need this like I need this, this is for you today.

A well dressed businessman got into a Manhattan cab and asked to be taken to LaGuardia airport.

While stuck in the traffic jam, the businessman leaned forward and said to the cabbie, “How’s your spirit of adventure?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I have to be in Chicago for a meeting tomorrow, but the thought of flying there just bores me to tears. Why not drive me there? The meeting will last only an hour. I’ll pay the gas, tolls, your hotel room, meals, and then you can drive me back tomorrow.”

The driver said, “Sure, why not?” and off they went.

They motored through Jersey, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, and finally into Chicago. The businessman did his meeting (while the cabbie waited) came out, got back into the cab and they took off to the hotel. They shared a huge meal, the businessman paid for two rooms.

The next morning, they took off back towards Manhattan. When they arrived, the meter read $4,632.85.

When they got back to the businessman’s office in Manhattan, the man told the cabbie, “Let me go in the bank here and I’ll get you a certified check. I’ll make it for $5000 so you’ll get a sizable tip for your service”.

“Great,” the cab driver said, “Thanks.”

“One last thing. When I give you the check, I’d like you to drive me home, please. I’m dead tired .”

“Where do you live ?”

“Brooklyn.”

“No way mister !!! I’d have to drive back over the Brooklyn Bridge empty… without a passenger!”

I went for Chinese last night and got chatting to the waiter.  He told me he lived in Japan during the war and was a kamikaze pilot and his code name was “Chow Mein”. 

I said, “Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t kamikaze pilots sacrifice their own lives?”

To which he replied, “Yes, but I was Chicken Chow Mein.” …

George: “I hea..hea… heard tha…that you can hel…hel…help me”. 

Speech therapist: “Yes, sure. Ease yourself in the chair, look straight in my eyes, and count slowly till ten”. 

George: “O…one, t…two, th…th…three, ….. eight, nine, ten. It’s wonderful, I don’t stammer anymore!” 

Speech therapist: “My fee is 300 dollars.”

George: “H…h…how mu…mu…much?!”

I read books, I drink coffee, and I know stuff.  THAT’S WHAT IF DO!

Those who like my posts are happier, more intelligent, and better-looking than those that don’t according to a scientific study that I made up.

Last night my wife wore a police uniform to bed and said, “You’re being charged with being good in bed.”  90 seconds later the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

Let’s face it.

Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.

As someone who goes through that every now and then, I can STRONGLY attest to that fact!  It is horrifying!  Thank God for me it’s only occasional, although the night before last was one of those nights.  The night before Thanksgiving.  I told friends and family that I had nightmares … but two of those nightmares involved Sleep Paralysis … which turned them truly, mind bendingly, awful.  Okay, now I’m making myself sweat and giving myself heart races…so, onward to other things.  LOL!

Seriously, I got nothing.  Just a really cool, beautiful picture.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

Yup, me too!

Lots of men don’t understand the value of their wives…

Until the judge decides the alimony amount.

Love is nothing without action.
Trust is nothing without proof.
And sorry is nothing without change.

No Data (Conde Nast TagID: cncartoons018497.jpg) [Photo via Conde Nast]

I do not burn bridges.  I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.

Nearly everything has the potential to be funny.
The smartasses seize the opportunity to poke fun at something just to get a laugh.  Please thank a smartass today for making your life more cheerful.

It’s easy to take sides when you’ve only heard one.

Looks like Baba Yaga’s Hut.

One of the greatest regrets in life is being what others would want you to be, rather than being yourself. 
~ Shannon L. Alder

From a procrastination standpoint, today has been wildly successful.

It’s only natural we become quieter as we grow older.  We’ve a lot more to be quiet about.

Joe sent us this list of Old Hillbilly Wisdom that has some great … well … wisdom in it.  Take some of it to heart as we end today’s episode a little more cheerful than we started it.  Thanks for taking today’s journey with me, my friends.  I really needed the company.

𝐎𝐥𝐝 𝐇𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐖𝐢𝐬𝐝𝐨𝐦:
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks, bankers, and politicians at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
If you don’t take the time to do it right, you’ll find the time to do it twice.
Don’t corner something that is meaner than you.
Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.
It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
Don’t be banging your shin on a stool that’s not in the way.
Borrowing trouble from the future doesn’t deplete the supply.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.
Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
Silence is sometimes the best answer.
Don‘t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin’ you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you’ll ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin’.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try to speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
Most times, it just gets down to common sense.

So, until next time,

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Dragon Laffs #2105

It’s Thanksgiving Day as I’m starting this episode and I’ve been sitting here with West Wing on the TV, the dogs crashed out on the floor, Izzy Dragon is still upstairs asleep and I’ve been sitting here for about the last 3 hours zoned out with my mind wandering to Thanksgiving Days in the past and tears dripping down on to my keyboard.  Not really paying attention to anything.  

Yeah, zoning out.  That’s where I am right now.  So, what I’m going to do is jump to the fun stuff to take my mind off the other stuff while I wait for the world to turn and time to pass and this day to pass.  So for now, let’s do that and see what else pops up as it happens.

How does that sound?

Good for you?

Yup, good for me, too.

So, a couple of leftovers …

  • What did the turkey widow say to her three disobedient, inconsiderate children when they especially acted out one day?
    • If your father was still alive he’d be turning over in his gravy.
  • What role do green beans play at Thanksgiving?
    • The casserole.
  • What do you get if you cross a turkey with a ghost?
    • A poultrygeist.
  • What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
    • Pumpkin Pi
  • If Pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower what do students travel on?
    • Scholar ships
  • What do you get when you cross a turkey with rattler?
    • A wattlesnake.
  • What smells the best at Thanksgiving Dinner?
    • Your nose.
  • What do sweet potatoes wear to bed?
    • Yammies.
  • Knock knock.” – “Who’s there?” – “Arthur.” 
    • “Arthur who?” – “Arthur any leftovers?”
  • How do little pumpkins cross the road as he got to school?
    • With a crossing gourd.
  • Knock Knock.” – “Who’s there?” – “Norma Lee.” 
    • “Norma Lee who?” – “Norma Lee I don’t eat this much!”
  • What’s the smallest unit of measurement in the pilgrim cookbook?  
    • Pil-gram.
  • What do turkeys do on Sundays?  
    • Have peck-nics.
  • What’s the best song to play while cooking a turkey?
    • All About That Baste.
  • Why did the cranberries turn red?”
    • “Because they saw the turkey dressing.”
  • Why do Pilgrims’ pants always fall down?
    • Because they wear their buckles on their hats.
  • If you call a big turkey a gobbler, what do you call a small one?”
    • “A goblet.”
  • What sound does a turkey’s phone make?”
    • “Wing-wing-wing.”

After the parade, a man asked me if I could help him get down off his horse.  I told him, “Of course not.  You can’t.  You get down off a duck.”

Why Iron-man and not Fe-male?

Our Northern Perimeter Patrols can be lonely jobs at times.

Pulled out a nose hair today to see if it hurt…

Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the bus, it seems pretty painful… 

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be “saved” or you’ll “burn”

stupid firemen

If there was a way to read a woman’s mind, I am not sure I would want to.  I hate shoes, shopping, gossip, and I already know I am annoying.

Tears are the lubricant of the soul.  They help when overwhelming grief is at odds with unspeakable love.  Izzy Dragon is now up and I’m trying so hard to be cheerful and it’s so hard.  Unbelievably hard.  But, this too will pass and I will get through, so let’s press on.

“Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na Batman!”

About four minutes into my run, I’ve decided I want to work on my personality instead.

Hence, Dragon Laffs!

BIGGEST LESSON IN LIFE: 

Don’t ever think it can’t happen to you.

My GPS just told me to turn around.

Now I can’t see where I’m driving.

Dan: “I’m a man of few words.”

Fred: “Yeah, I’m married, too.”

There is a folk belief that if you bury a statue of St. Joseph on a piece of property, it will be sold more quickly.

I took the St. Joseph from my Nativity scene and buried it near my front door. A few days later a woman made me an offer on the house. Since she had to sell her home too, I suggested she enlist the help of the saint as well.

After a month of burying the statue all over her lawn, she had no nibbles and, in disgust, put the statue out with the trash.

A week later she opened her local paper and read: “Town Sells Landfill to Private Developer.”

TOMBSTONE 

The grave of Ellen Shannon in  Pennsylvania. 

Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with “R.E. Danforth’s
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid”

The “H” in “DEMOCRAT” stands for “HONESTY”.

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer’s down. You’ll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests. What’ll it be?”

The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains.”

“So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of this week ‘count’, St. Peter?”

“No, I told you the computer’s down. There’s no way we can keep track of what you’re doing.”

“In that case,” says the second priest, “I’ve always wanted to be a stud.”

“So be it” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. “Will you have any trouble locating them?” He asks.

“The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter. “He’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.”

“Why?” asked the Lord.

“He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota

Timmy was a little five-year old boy that his Mom loved very much and being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school for a couple of days but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the “big boys.”

He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it.

She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him.

Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it Would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well so she agreed.

The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with Another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little Friend of Timmy noticed that this same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week.

Finally, he said to Timmy, “Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?”

Timmy nonchalantly replied, “Yea, I know who she is.”

The little friend said, “Well who is she?”

“That’s just Shirley Goodnest” Timmy said.

“Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?”

“Well,” Timmy explained, “every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers ‘cuz she worries about me so much.

And it says, “Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life.” So I guess I’ll just have to get used to it!”

Mr. Hands was called in for an audit, and a surly Internal Revenue officer confronted him.

“It says here that you’re a bachelor – yet you have claimed a dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake.”

Mr. Hands looked him straight in the eye and said, “Yep, it surely was.”

And that’s it my friends.  The time has passed.  It is now Friday and we’ve all made it through.  Thanks for spending the time with me and helping me get through.  I deeply appreciate you.   Love and happiness to you all.  Until next time.

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Dragon Laffs #2104

Happy Thanksgiving!  I’m actually starting this on Sunday evening.  So, I have a few days to work on it because I’ve got something scheduled every day this week…except this evening.  Izzy Dragon is working this evening, so that gives me time to work.  Monday, I’ve got a class, Tuesday is darts and Wednesday is Bible Study.  

But then again, that’s every week, so I suppose that’s nothing new.  

So, I guess I’m just trying to get a little ahead.  It’s Thanksgiving week and I’m supposed to think of two things, everyday that I am thankful for.  And although I was given that assignment today, there’s no reason why I have to wait until tomorrow to start and there’s also no reason why I can’t share my thankfulness with you, my camping family.

So, what are the two things that I am thankful for today?  I suppose I could start out big and say friends and family.  That includes you guys in both of those categories.  There’s an awful lot of you who fall into the category of family, you’ve been around so long.  Some of you from  the very beginning over 15 years ago…in this format.  And I am thankful for every one of you.  You make the days easier and the nights a bit softer. 

Now, we’re going to move on to some of the fun stuff and talk more as we move along.

The Postal Service advises again this year that all babies born on Thanksgiving must be girls.  There is no male delivery on holidays.

Here’s something to think about at our ages ..
 

  1. The inventor of the treadmill died at the age of 54
  2. The inventor of gymnastics died at the age of 57
  3. The world bodybuilding champion died at the age of 41
  4. The best footballer in the world, Maradona, died at the age of 60.
  5. James Fuller Fixx, credited with helping start America’s fitness revolution by popularizing the sport of running, died of a heart attack while jogging at 52 years of age.

  … BUT …

  1. The KFC inventor died at 94.
  2. Inventor of Nutella brand died at the age of 88
  3. Imagine, cigarette maker Winston died at the age of 102
  4. The inventor of opium died at the age of 116 in an earthquake
  5. And the Hennessey Liquor inventor died at 98.

How did these doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life? 

The rabbit is always jumping up and down but it lives for only 2 years and the turtle that doesn’t exercise at all, lives 400 years.

So, take some rest, chill, stay cool, eat, drink and enjoy your life.

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other a Chihuahua As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, “Let’s go into  that pub for a drink.” The lady with the Chihuahua said, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.” The one with the Doberman said, “Just watch, and do as I do.” They walked over to the pub and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.” The woman with the Doberman said, “You don’t understand. This is my guide dog I’m partially blind” The bouncer said, “A Doberman?” The woman said, “Yes, they’re using them now. They’re very good. “The bouncer said, “OK, come on in. “The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a guide dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, “What the heck,” so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.” The woman said, “You don’t understand. This is my guide dog” The bouncer said, “A Chihuahua?” The woman with the Chihuahua said, “A Chihuahua? They gave me a freaking Chihuahua ?

“This is a dragon I’m riding, not a turkey, you idiots!”

Monday Night and the two things that I’m thankful for are God’s Word and the Blessings of the Holy Spirit.  Kind of strange to say from a guy who puts these memes out and puts such Dragon Rants in here that flame the left and the Democrats that are ruining our once great and beautiful country.  But, I am only a mortal being and I am trying my very best to be the best that I can be and to be honest with myself and with God.  

Government Pipe Specifications:

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic, centered around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length — do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

3. The ID (Inside Diameter) of all pipe must not exceed their OD (Outside Diameter) — otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. The pipe is supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5. All pipe is to be supplied without rust; this can be more readily applied at the job site. (NOTE: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a great deal of time at the job site.)

6. All pipe over 500ft (150m) in length should have the words “LONG PIPE” clearly painted on each side and end, so the contractor will know it’s a long pipe.

7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words “LONG PIPE” painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether it is a long or short pipe.

8. All pipe over 6ft (1.83m) in diameter must have the words “LARGE PIPE” painted on it, so the contractor won’t mistake it for a small pipe.

9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes from bolts that are quite separate from the big holes in the middle.

10. When ordering 90 or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left-hand or right-hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

12. All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not mix the threads. Otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on to one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.

13. All pipes shorter than 1/8in (3mm) are very uneconomical in use, requiring many joints. They are generally known as washers.

14. Joints in pipes for water must be watertight. Those pipes for compressed air, however, need only be airtight.

15. Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not recommended for concrete or earthenware pipes.

16. Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include; Conduit, Tube, Tunnel, and Drain. Use only genuine pipes.

Little Johnny’s mother asked him what he would like for his birthday. 

“I’d like a little brother,” Little Johnny said.

“Oh my, that’s such a big wish,” said his mother. “Why do you want a little brother”? 

“Well,” said Little Johnny, “there’s only so much I can blame on my dog.” 

Tuesday and before I run out to Darts, I can say that I’m very thankful for my Darts family who have pulled my butt out of the fire more than once.  They helped clean up the tree that had fallen in the back yard, through the fence and into the neighbor’s yard.  They have been there for me so often and without question that I must be so very thankful for them. And I am especially thankful for my Izzy Dragon who has kept me sane and alive this last year.  If not for her, I don’t think I  would be here right now.  She has done more for me than anyone.  She has kept me whole.

An Israeli soldier who had only just enlisted asked his Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. 

The CO said, “Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that kind of recognition!” 

The very next day the soldier came back driving an Arab tank!

The CO was very impressed and gave the soldier his 3-day pass.

One of the other new recruits took him aside and asked how he had managed to single-handedly capture an Arab tank. 

“Simple” said the soldier, I jumped in one of our tanks and headed towards the border. As I approached the border, I saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. Then I said to the Arab soldier, ‘How would you like to get a 3-day pass?’ 

“So we exchanged tanks!”

“Mirror, mirror on the wall, where is Impish Dragon ’cause I’m gonna kick his ever lovin’ ass!”

Black Friday:

Because only in America will people trample each other for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have.

And absolute Thanksgiving classic!  What a wonderful show this was.

Three Irishmen, drunk as can be, come staggering down the street, singing Danny Boy at the top of their lungs. They come to a stop in front of Flaherty’s house still singing. 

After a few minutes, the window flies open and Mrs. Flaherty yells out, “Why don’t you drunken sots go somewhere else.” 

“Are ye Mrs. Flaherty?” asks one of the drunks.

“Faith now, ye know full well that I am,” says she.

“Well, could ye come down an’ tell us which one of us is your husband so the other two of us can go home.” 

It seems as though in my over 30 years of service, the holidays that I’ve missed the most, or should I say, the holidays that I’ve been away from home the most for, it seems have been Thanksgiving, my kid’s birthday’s (especially Izzy’s) and my wedding anniversary.  In that order.  Out of, let’s say 30 Thanksgivings, I’ll bet I’ve missed at least half, if not closer to 20 of them.  It seems like I was always deployed or TDY or at some school or special class or something, somewhere.  But, you know… there was always something there to be thankful for at the same time.  I was helping to defend the GREATEST country in the world.  The only country who’s founding fathers based its inception on Judeo-Christian values (although I’d swear our leaders now are doing everything in their power to destroy those same values now).  I was working for a military who I KNEW would watch out for and take care of my family while I was gone.  And that I was BLESSED to have a job, a career that I could be proud of and that took care of me and my family.  We’d never be rich, by any stretch of the imagination, but there was food on the table and a roof over our heads and what more could one really ask for.  So yeah, don’t forget those who can’t be home today with their families.  I’ve got a couple of my guys who are going to be gone over the Christmas holiday.  We can talk about keeping them in your prayers as it gets a little closer to the time.  In the mean time, lets get back to the laughter. 

Two hunters, Paul and Kurt, were in a lodge, making small talk. Paul asked Kurt, “So, what do you hunt?” 

Kurt answered “I hunt unicorns.”

Paul was startled, but said “Really? How do you do that?” 

Kurt replied, “I find a virgin and hire her to help me. 

The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare.” 

Paul said, “Boy, they must be hard to find. I’ve heard of them, but I’ve never seen one.” Kurt said “Yeah, and there aren’t many unicorns around, either!” 

Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you’re scared to death. 

-Earl Wilson (1907-1987)

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. 

While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. 

The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed.   

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.   

The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man’s head. The wife shouted, “Don’t do it!  This man has been very generous!  I lied when I told you I inherited money.  He paid for the Corvette I bought for you.  He paid for our new cabin cruiser.  He paid for our house at the lake.  He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!”

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.

He looked over at the cab driver and said, “What would you do?”

The cabby said, “I’d cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold.

Why?  What’s wrong with that?

NEVER AGAIN should we be forgetting our men and women who served!!

I just switched my “20 year Home Mortgage” to a “Student Loan”.

Follow me for more financial advice.

Which is only one of the reasons why I still have a job.

Tired of having to balance his wife’s bank balance, Mike made a deal with her; he would only look at it after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape. Only then would he lend his expertise. 

The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, Ann said proudly, “There! I’ve done it! I made it balance!” 

Impressed, Mike came over to take a look.

“Let’s see…mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00.” His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. “It says here ESP, 615.00. What the heck is that?” 

“Oh,” she said, “That means, Error Some Place!!!” 

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
-Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, “There was water in the carburetor.” 
I asked her, “Where’s the car?”
She replied, “In the lake.”
-Henny Youngman
—————————————————–
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-Henny Youngman
—————————————————– 
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” 
The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.” 
—————————————————–
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. 
—————————————————–
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her. 
—————————————————–
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got myself two girlfriends.
—————————————————–
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.

A door-to-door salesmen knocks on a neighbourhood door. 

A little boy answers the door and the salesman says, ” Hi little fellow, is your mother home ?” 

“Yes,” said the lad, “she’s out in the backyard screwing our goat.” 

” No,” says the salesman, ” I don’t belive you.” 

The boy says, ” Come see for yourself.” 

So the salesman takes a look in the backyard, and sure enough, there was the mom bent over with a large goat screwing her from behind. 

The salesman said to the boy, “isn’t your mom afraid she’ll get pregnant?” 

The boy says, ” N-a-a-a-a-a-” 

Life Is a Gift

Today before you say an unkind word – Think of someone who can’t speak.

Before you complain about the taste of your food – Think of someone who has nothing to eat.

Before you complain about your husband or wife – Think of someone who’s crying out to GOD for a companion.

Today before you complain about life – Think of someone who went too early to heaven.

Before whining about the distance you drive Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.

And when you are tired and complain about your job – Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job.

And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down – Put a smile on your face and think: you’re alive and still around.

How to live to be 100:

Live to be 99 and then be very careful.

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed.

As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.”

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

“Well, did you see this?”

“Yes,” motioned the monkey.

“What happened?”

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

“They were drinking?” asked the officer.

“Yes.”

“What else?”

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

“They were smoking marijuana?”

“Yes.”

“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked.”

“Yes.”

“What were you doing during all this?”

“Driving” motioned the monkey.

And that my friends is it for this really, really long issue.  My last two things I’m thankful for are the blessings that I’ve received for doing this for so long.  Laughter and happiness.  We need that in our lives to get through and thanks to you guys I have that virtually every day.  Thanks for staying on this journey with me and, God willing, we’ll stay on this journey for many more years to come.

May you all have a joy filled Thanksgiving holiday.  Pray for those who can’t be with the ones they love on this day.  And may your day be filled with love.

Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments

Dragon Laffs #2103

It sounds like my change in font and such worked out well, as is demonstrated by this wonderful little comment that I got from dear Maggie: 

Maggie
an hour ago
 

Impish
thank you for adjusting the web page. I read it from the link in the email. I use a 10 inch netbook, so can’t do much changing of display. I live in a nursing home and am bedridden. Fortunately I am very computer literate, but there is only so much I can do with this netbook. I appreciate all your hard work and do THANK YOU very much for your service. Say HI to IZZY and that I wish both of you a good Thanksgiving.
Maggie

I’m glad it’s working out for you, Maggie and appreciate the feedback.  I hope it works out as well for everyone else.  Oh, and Izzy Dragon says hi back.

Today is Saturday and I was supposed to be at my son’s house for Thanksgiving with my grandkids, his dear wife (whom I love as my own) and her family.  As you may have caught, the key words in that sentence was “supposed to be”.  I’m at home, talking to you guys instead because I’m not feeling well and don’t want to pass anything on to them.  I don’t think I would’ve been helped by driving an hour and a half there and then again back later tonight.  My question though, is why don’t I feel good?  Do I really not feel good or am I emotionally not feeling good and it transferred to me not feeling good physically?  I’m not dumb enough to think that this is not effecting me emotionally, but on the off chance that I am sick and contagious, I have to err on the side of caution.  So…I’m home today and working on Dragon Laffs.

Which is okay.

I specifically moved this one to the top of the queue so that I could talk about it because it is SO TRUE!  Everyone has an internal voice inside of them that tells them right from wrong.  You KNOW when you are doing something that’s wrong or cruel or hurtful or whatever and if you do it anyway, you can justify it anyway you want, you are still wrong.  Just like Joe Biden and the giving away of America.  He’s doing it to win votes and keep the democrats in power.  That’s his justification, but inside, he has to KNOW that what he’s doing is WRONG.  He promised to forgive all the student loans, even though he KNEW that it was illegal.  But, that wasn’t brought out until after the mid-terms and all the young people who thought they were getting all that money voted for the left, even though the intelligent thinking person KNEW it was a bad, evil, wrong thing.  Now that a judge is saying that he can’t do it, it’s “Gee, I’m sorry, I tried” and all the young people were hoodwinked.  Biden KNEW what he was doing was wrong, but did it anyway.  That is NOT the kind of people we want running our country.  What was once thought to be the greatest country on the face of the earth.  “If you need the threat of Hell to be a good person, then you are just an evil person on a leash.”

Here’s a great video sent in by Joe about another issue that electric vehicles have.  Thanks brother!

This one was sent in by Trish.  And although I’m pretty sure we’ve seen it before, it’s well worth seeing again.  Thanks Trish.

A lesson that should be taught in all schools . . And colleges….

Back in September of 2005, on the first day of school, Martha Cothren, a social studies school teacher at Robinson High School in Little Rock , did something not to be forgotten. On the first day of school, with the permission of the school superintendent, the principal and the building supervisor, she removed all of the desks out of her classroom.

When the first period kids entered the room they discovered that there were no desks.

‘Ms. Cothren, where’re our desks?’

She replied, ‘You can’t have a desk until you tell me how you earn the right to sit at a desk.’

They thought, ‘Well, maybe it’s our grades.’

‘No,’ she said.

‘Maybe it’s our behavior.’

She told them, ‘No, it’s not even your behavior.’

And so, they came and went, the first period, second period, third period. Still no desks in the classroom.

By early afternoon television news crews had started gathering in Ms. Cothren’s classroom to report about this crazy teacher who had taken all the desks out of her room.

The final period of the day came and as the puzzled students found seats on the floor of the deskless classroom, Martha Cothren said, ‘Throughout the day no one has been able to tell me just what he/she has done to earn the right to sit at the desks that are ordinarily found in this classroom. Now I am going to tell you.’

At this point, Martha Cothren went over to the door of her classroom and opened it.

Twenty-seven (27) U.S. Veterans, all in uniforms, walked into that classroom, each one carrying a school desk. The Vets began placing the school desks in rows, and then they would walk over and stand alongside the wall. By the time the last soldier had set the final desk in place those kids started to understand, perhaps for the first time in their lives, just how the right to sit at those desks had been earned..

Martha said, ‘You didn’t earn the right to sit at these desks. These heroes did it for you. They placed the desks here for you. Now, it’s up to you to sit in them. It is your responsibility to learn, to be good students, to be good citizens. They paid the price so that you could have the freedom to get an education. Don’t ever forget it.’

By the way, this is a true story. And this teacher was awarded Teacher of the Year for the state of Arkansas in 2006.

Please consider passing this along so others won’t forget that the freedoms we have in this great country were earned by U. S. Veterans.

And I did fact check this one and it is true and not embellished.  The only difference I could find is that it was a Military History class and not a Social Studies class.  Not sure that’s a big enough difference to matter.  Thanks Trish for a very inspirational story.

There are two rules in life:

  1.  Never give out all the information.

Been there, done that!

“Unless you have Girl Scout Cookies, stop ringing my damn doorbell!”

Never Forget the 3 Types of People in Your Life:

  1.  Who helped you in your difficult times.
  2. Who left you in your difficult times.
  3. Who put you in difficult times.

This one was sent in by Leah, and like I told her … it means a lot to me.  

“My parents were married for 55 years. One morning, my mom was going downstairs to make dad breakfast, she had a heart attack and fell. My father picked her up as best he could and almost dragged her into the truck. At full speed , without respecting traffic lights, he drove her to the hospital.

When he arrived, unfortunately she was no longer with us.

During the funeral, my father did not speak; his gaze was lost. He hardly cried.

That night, his children joined him. In an atmosphere of pain and nostalgia, we remembered beautiful anecdotes and he asked my brother, a theologian, to tell him where Mom would be at that moment. My brother began to talk about life after death, and guesses as to how and where she would be.

My father listened carefully. Suddenly he asked us to take him to the cemetery.

Dad!” we replied, “it’s 11 at night, we can’t go to the cemetery right now!”

He raised his voice, and with a glazed look he said:

“Don’t argue with me, please don’t argue with the man who just lost his wife of 55 years.”

There was a moment of respectful silence, we didn’t argue anymore. We went to the cemetery, we asked the night watchman for permission. With a flashlight we reached the tomb. My father caressed her, prayed and told his children, who watched the scene moved:

“It was 55 years… you know? No one can talk about true love if they have no idea what it’s like to share life with a woman.”

He paused and wiped his face. “She and I, we were together in that crisis. I changed jobs …” he continued. “We packed up when we sold the house and moved out of town. We shared the joy of seeing our children finish their careers, we mourned the departure of loved ones side by side, we prayed together in the waiting room of some hospitals, we support each other in pain, we hug each Christmas, and we forgive our mistakes… Children, now it’s gone, and I’m happy, do you know why?

Because she left before me. She didn’t have to go through the agony and pain of burying me, of being left alone after my departure. I will be the one to go through that, and I thank God. I love her so much that I wouldn’t have liked her to suffer…”

When my father finished speaking, my brothers and I had tears streaming down our faces. We hugged him, and he comforted us, “It’s okay, we can go home, it’s been a good day.”

That night I understood what true love is; It is far from romanticism, it does not have much to do with eroticism, or with sex, rather it is linked to work, to complement, to care and, above all, to the true love that two really committed people profess “.

I suppose, in that regard, I am glad that Mrs. Dragon went before I did.  That she didn’t have to go through the agony and misery that I’ve gone through.  It is an unusual way of looking at it, but it does help.  Thanks Leah.

“A basic website costs 10k, or 25k upwards if you want all the Belgian whistles,” he said.

“So, we’ve got all these cookies to get rid of…now, I’ve heard of a spirit dragon, out in the forest, who may be interested.  Some of us are going to have to dress as Girl Scouts.”

Most people are at the age where they are using their phones to document the good times in their lives.  I’m at the age where I use my phone to take pictures of labels that I can’t read and use my phone to enlarge the print so that I can read it.

Holy cow!  I have finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain!

On the left side, there is nothing right, and on the right side, there is nothing left.

I just flew back from a ravioli convention.

Boyaredees arms tired!

This is probably one of the greatest lists I’ve ever read!  Thanks to Joe for sharing it with all of us.

Long but educational!

Natural Laws 


1. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. 

2. Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted. 

3. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. 

4. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. 

5. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. 

6. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other. 

7. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. 

8. If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. 

9. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. 

10. Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would  be so many. 

11. Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back. This is what I’m doing wrong. 

12. Everything can be filed under “miscellaneous.” 

13. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. 

14. To err is human, to forgive is not company policy. 

15. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing. 

16. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. 

17. The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong – until the next person quits or is fired. 

18. There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over. 

19. The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. 
(For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T …) 

20. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. 

21. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. 

22. People are always available for work in the past tense. 

23. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done. 

24. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying. 

25. When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried. 

26. You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like. 

27. No one gets sick on Wednesdays. 

28. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?” 

29. The longer the title, the less important the job. 

30. Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives. 

31. An “acceptable” level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. 

32. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse. 

33. All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one’s own. 

34. Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure. 

35. If anything can go wrong, it will. 

36. Nothing is ever as simple as it seems. 

37. Everything takes longer than you expect. 

38. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will do the most damage will go wrong first. 

39. Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse. 

40. If you play with something long enough, you will surely break it. 

41. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 

42. If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop. 

43. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 

44. Mother Nature is a bitch. 

45. It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious. 

46. If a great deal of time has been expended seeking the answer to a problem with the only result being failure, the answer will be immediately obvious to the first unqualified person. 

47. If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway. 

48. Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases. 
— Harvard’s Law 

49. Never replicate a successful experiment. 
— Fett’s Law 

50. Research is what I’m doing when I don’t know what I’m doing. 
— von Braun 

51. It is not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. 
— Phil White 

52. In any decision situation, the amount of relevant information available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision. 
— Cooke’s Law 

53. Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upwards from the floor-especially in the dark. 
— Ross’s Law 

54. The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the dish. 
— Calkin’s Law of Menu Language 

55. Don’t force it; get a larger hammer. 
— Anthony’s Law of Force 

56. Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop. 
— Anthony’s Law of the Workshop 

57. Arnold’s Laws of Documentation: 

(1) If it should exist, it doesn’t. 
(2) If it does exist, it’s out of date. 
(3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws. 

58. Beifeld’s Principle: 

The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of: 
(1) a date, 
(2) his wife, 
(3) a better looking and richer male friend. 

59. Bradley’s Bromide: 
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee — that will do them in. 

60. DeVries’s Dilemma: 
If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don’t want hits the paper. 

61. Drew’s Law of Highway Biology: 
The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes. 

62. Fifth Law of Applied Terror: 
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. 

63. Finagle’s Third Law: 
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. 

64. First Rule of History: 
History doesn’t repeat itself — histo

Absolutely fantastic!  Thanks brother!

Don’t let getting lonely make you reconnect with toxic people. 

You shouldn’t drink poison just because you’re thirsty.

A fact is information minus emotion.
An opinion is information plus experience.
Ignorance is an opinion lacking information.
And, stupidity is an opinion that ignores a fact.

Congratulations to everyone who didn’t have college debt.  Now you do.

A Santa Fe, TX minister said it best… “We have created a culture that does not value life, that does not honor God, that does not respect authority.  We are reaping the consequences of those actions and that’s not going to be reversed by a security guard or a metal detector.  The long-term goal is to change hearts.  We’re allowing the culture to raise our kids.”

Since I don’t have a student loan, I’ll take my $10,000 in direct deposit.

Comparing Tesla’s 0 to 60 times to real performance cars is like comparing a microwave to a bar-b-que grill.  It may cook faster, but nobody ever wished for a microwaved burger.

I paid my 15 year old $10 to do the dishes.

Then, on his way to the bathroom, I mugged him because it’s my job to teach him life lessons.

So, my new watch was so expensive, I had to finance it.

I’m living on borrowed time.

Joe sent me a great story and apologized because he couldn’t make it a better size.  So, I liked it enough that I decided to type it out myself.  So, here it is complete.

A 99-year-old veteran who gave his food to a girl in France during the Second World War has been reunited with her 78 years later.

Reg Pye, from Burry Port, South Wales, served with the 224 Field Company, Royal Engineers, as a driver carrying sappers, mines and ammunitions, during the Battle of Normandy.

While moving through Normandy in June 1944, 14 days after D-Day, Mr. Pye spotted a 14-year-old girl staring at him as he ate his evening meal – a slice of bread with jam and a tin of pilchards.

The then 21-year-old immediately gave the girl his bread with jam and she ran away to eat it.

When he woke the next morning, he found that she had half filled his mess tin with milk and left a picture of herself with a written message on the back, which he kept in his wallet.

In November this year, the girl was identified as Huguette, now 92, and was reunited with Mr. Pye in France where he showed her the picture he had held for 78 years, and gave her another jam sandwich.  When meeting Huguette, Mr. Pye said, “Nice to see you again after such a long time.  We got older but we’re still the same.”

They drank champagne with their extended families and a translator.

Mr. Pye said, “The memory of my very brief encounter with this young girl will stay with me forever.

“In the bleakest of times, this bit of human interaction made a huge mark on my life.  I have carried her picture in my wallet for 78 years always hoping we might meet again.”

Mr. Pye went back to Normandy 20 years ago to try to find Huguette but was unsuccessful.  After hearing the story, volunteer Paul Cook, from the Taxi Charity for Military Veterans, an organization run by London black taxi drivers which arranges free trips for veterans to the Netherlands, Belgium and France, started a social media campaign which eventually reunited the pair.

Mr. Pye added, “I cannot believe that she has finally been found and I wish to thank everyone, including our friend Emma, our cab driver Paul and the Taxi Charity’s French adviser Nathalie Varniere, who have helped to make my dream come true.”

Mr. Cook said, “There are no words to describe how elated I am that Reg has found Huguette, this is like a Hollywood blockbuster and I wouldn’t be surprised if this beautiful story was made into a film.”

That was a great story.  Thanks to Joe for sharing it with us and a really good way to wrap up today’s episode.  

So, until we meet again on Thanksgiving Day, May God keep you and bless you.

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Dragon Laffs #2102

Okay, so I’ve had a couple of comments from some fellow campers and people that I trust (Hiya Hank and Maggie!), that parts of some of the episodes have been difficult to read.  I’m pretty sure that I know what has happened and I’m going to fix it with this issue.  But my request to you guys is that if you notice stuff like that, let me know … and the comments section is the best place to do that because I will see that the fastest.  

Now, keep in mind that a lot of it will depend on what kind of device you are reading this on and whether or not you are actually going to the website to read or just getting it in an email.  For the best experience, every Monday, Thursday and Saturday morning … OR … when you get notified that there is a new issue you go to dragonlaffs.com http://dragonlaffs.com and read there.  But I know that a lot of you are like me and have your favorite tablet or whatever that you do your stuff on and you have habits that you stick to.  And I feel pretty sure that some of you are out there trying to read those big ass cartoons on a little bitty phone screen.

All I can say to that is, “Good Luck!”

Anyway, like I said, if you see something, say something.  Other than that, let’s get this party started!

A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?”

Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.”

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, “If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?”

Three old guys are sitting on a porch in Miami

Suddenly the first sighs and says, “Gentlemen, isn’t life horrible.  Here I am at an age that I can afford the best steaks and what?  Bad teeth and gums.  I have to eat ground or soft foods.”

The second answers, “Yeah, life is a real bummer.  Why, here I am at an age where I can buy the finest wines, champagne, but what?  Ulcers!  I have to drink milk.”

The third sighs loudly and adds, “Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean.  Last night at 2 am I nudged my wife and asked her if she’s interested.  She screams at me, “What’s wrong with you dear?  We just got finished doing it for the second time tonight!”

After a long pause the first man says, “So what is your problem?”

The third one grunts and says, “Can’t you see?  My memory is going.”

Church Bloopers

  • The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
  • The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.  The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
  • Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale.  It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.  Bring your husbands.
  • Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.  Smile at someone who is hard to love.  Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
  • Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
  • Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  • For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs
  • Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.  They need all the help they can get.
  • Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.  So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
  • A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.  Music will follow.
  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’  Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  • Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
  • Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.  Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  • The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
  • Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
  • The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.  They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
  • This evening at 7 PMthere will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.  Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
  • Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.  All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
  • The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
  • Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.  Please use the back door.
  • The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.  The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
  • Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.  Please use large double door at the side entrance.
  • The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday:  ” I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.” 

“And then what happened?”
“Well, me and the boys, flew over the next village and burned THAT one …”

Thirty Lines To Make You Smile

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.

2.. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4  Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!

18 Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20  I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With that?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24.They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27..Ham and eggs. A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

29 The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30 I smile because I don’t know what the heck is going on.

Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None survived.

One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the Creator of all. Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three. “Reform I can understand. But where will it end?

You! Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could smoke while the Torah was being read???”

Goldblum shuddered.

God went on. “I can live with that. Men are weak, but the Word is strong!” Goldblum sighed with relief.

“Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but really: serving Ham Sandwiches to the devout at the temple during Yom Kippur?”

Bauman hung his head in shame.

“Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that which is not Kosher. I’m not pleased at all with the playing fast and loose with my people, but I can accept these indiscretions.” Bauman also heaved a sigh of relief.

Finally, He turns to the third rabbi and says, “You, Rabinowitz, have gone too far! Am I asking too much? No, you flaunt the world at Me, even on the holiest days of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur by putting out a sign saying…. “Closed for the Holidays !!!”

Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father’s annoyance.

“Teddy,” he called, “how many more times have I got to tell you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come down like a civilized human being.”

There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room.

“That’s better,” said his father, “now in future will you always come down stairs like that.”

“Suits me,” said Teddy. “I slid down the railing.”

Sometimes, it’s easier to just work it out in the ring!

Tom’s new wife wasn’t very attractive, but he was no oil-painting, either.

After the wedding ceremony, Tom asked the pastor how much the cost was.

“Just give me what you think it is worth to have this lady for your wife,” replied the Reverend.

Tom looked at his wife, and handed the pastor $50.

The pastor looked at Tom’s wife and gave him $42 in change.

A man who was buying a sports shirt found the largest size too snug.

“Where do I go from here?” he asked the svelte young woman who was helping him.

“To the gym,” she replied.

The Top 5 Indications That Military Intelligence May Be Suspect

 5 Latest high-definition satellite photos of the insurgent stronghold Samarra show clearly-defined subdivisions of Main Street, Fantasyland, Tomorrowland, Adventureland, Frontierland and New Orleans Square. 

 4 They report “increased dental chatter” during periods of very cold weather. 

 3 Recon photos of alleged foreign operative “Jaylo Butay” are regularly found in insecure locations such as bathrooms and barracks. 

 2 Hidden somewhere in every report: “olin-Cay owell-Pay is an ussy-pay.” 

 1 The latest U.N. weapons inspectors’ discovery confirms military intelligence’s worst fear: oxymoronium. 

The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny give away gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize these key “signs.” 

1. Man gets in car without opening door for woman.
– No foreplay.

2. Can’t hail a cab.
– Impotent.

3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant.
– Prefers virgins.

4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant, but gets lost on the way. 
– He is a virgin.

5. Wants to go to a French Restaurant.
– Will swallow.

6. Takes too long deciding what to order.
– Has trouble reaching orgasm.

7. Insists on ordering for you, saying, “The lady will have…” 
– Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn’t.

8. Asks for “the usual”
– Insists on missionary position only.

9. Asks what the specials are.
– Will want you to use handcuffs.

10. Fills up on bread and crackers. 
– Premature ejaculator.

11. Drinks decaf.
– Fakes orgasms.

12. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts.
– Needs you to talk dirty during sex.

13. Credit card is refused.
– Low sperm count. 

14. Under tips waiter.
– Small penis.

15. Uses toothpick.
– Is trying to tell you size isn’t everything. 

The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. 

She said “well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine”. 

“Well, what did he want to do?” they all asked. 

She said ” I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn’t have that much”. 

“So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn’t have that much either”. 

“Finally I said, well, how much do you have”? 

The marine said that he only had $25. 

The new hooker said “well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand” 

He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said “he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand…” 

“Oh my god” they all exclaimed, “it must have been huge, then what did you do?” 

“I loaned him $75!” she said. 

Q: What is the similarity between a video recorder and a man?

A: They go forwards, backwards, forwards, and backwards, stop and eject!

You cannot raise your children the way your parents raised you.  Because your parents raised you for a world that no longer exists.

How often should I plan to have sex? The young bridegroom asked his grandfather on his wedding night. 

Grandpa said, When you’re first married, you want it all the time, Maybe several times a day. 

Later on, sex tapers and you have it maybe once a week or so.  Then, as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. 

When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year maybe on your anniversary. 

Well, how about you and grandma now?  The younger man asked. 

Grandpa replied, Oh, we just have oral sex now.  

What’s oral sex? The young bridegroom asked. 

Well, said Grandpa, She goes to bed in her bedroom, I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, SCREW YOU, and I holler back, SCREW YOU TOO. 

Tombstones

On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:

She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.

A manager is told by his doctor that he has to take on some sport so he decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he’s doing.

“It’s going fine”, the manager says, “When I’m on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says: “To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!”

“Really? What happens then?” the girl asks all enthusiastic.

“Then my body says: Who? Me? Don’t talk nonsense!”

Seriously?

The telephone lineman had been out drinking the night before, and the next day he went to work not feeling too good.

He climbed to the top of the first pole and as he took his pliers out to repair the wire he dropped them. He had to climb all the way down to retrieve them. As he got to the bottom of the pole and was picking up his pliers, a small boy who was standing there said, “My daddy is a lineman too and he would have had two pair of pliers, so he wouldn’t have to climb down the pole if he dropped one of them”.

The lineman tied to ignore the boy and climbed back up the pole very slowly. About his time he needed a hammer to drive in a large nail. As he was taking it out, it slipped and fell to the ground. Again he had to climb down the pole to retrieve it. So he slowly climbed down the pole and sure enough the little boy was still standing there. He said, “My daddy is a lineman too and he would have carried two hammers so if he had lost one he wouldn’t have to climb down”.

This irritated the lineman, but he ignored the boy and climbed back up the pole to finish his work. He was no sooner up the pole when he had to go to the bathroom, so down he climbs from the pole and goes over to the bushes to take a leak. As he was relieving himself he saw the little boy watching him through the bushes.

He’d had it with this kid so he says to him, “I’ll bet your dad doesn’t have two of these, does he?”

The boy replied, “No, but his would make two of yours”.

And with that nicely ironic signs, we’re going to call it a day.  I hope you guys had as much fun reading this one as I had writing it.  Love and Happiness to you all until we meet again.

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments