Dragon Laffs

And it’s Saturday and I have just a little time to get this one out for Monday. It was a good day at work today since I got off early. 🙂 

I really don’t have much to say, so let’s get back into it.

            For all Who Work With Rude Customers, An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

The family of a recently deceased millionaire gathered in a sleek corner office for the reading of the will. The attorney cleared his throat, put on his glasses, and began to read.

“To my devoted wife, Rose, who stood by my side through thick and thin, I leave the estate, the luxury fleet, and $10 million.”

The widow wiped away a tear.

“To my brilliant daughter, Jessica, who nursed me through illness and built my company into an empire, I leave the business, the yacht, and $5 million.”

Jessica smiled softly through her grief.

“And finally,” the attorney continued, glancing up at the back of the room, “to my cousin Dan, who constantly insulted me, wished for my downfall, and insisted I’d never mention him in my will…”

The attorney leaned forward and whispered, “Well, Dan, you were wrong. 

     Hi Dan!”

Why have I NEVER thought of this?!

And that’s it, my friends. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Until next time, be well, be loved, be happy.

So, no Halloween memes for this issue. Saving what I have left for Halloween issue. That doesn’t mean that you should stop sending me Halloween stuff. It just means that I used more of my stuff than I calculated.

Again, I’m right up against the wall on time. This is a UTA weekend, so I will do my very best to get an issue set up for Monday, but it might not work out.

Fair warning. 

Work is driving me crazy busy and classes and stuff, it’s been hard to get ahead.

Anyway, I’m waiting for the HVAC guys to get here with a checkup that is supposedly part of my service plan, so let’s see what I can get done while we wait.

Jonathon sent that one in and said he thought I had used it before. I think so, too. But as funny as it is, I’ll use it again!

I do!!

Me, taking my pet out for a walk.

(Think about it, you’ll work it out)

Redneck Slang

“Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!”

“Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.”

“I’ll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style.”

“This’ll jar your preserves.”

“Cute as a sack full of puppies.”

“If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.”

“Gooder than grits.”

“It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.”

“It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch.”

“Wintery roads are said to be “slicker than otter snot.”

“A bothersome person is “like a booger that you can’t thump off.”

“When something is bad then you say, “that ain’t no count.”

“If something is hard to do, it’s “like trying to herd cats.”

“A hectic schedule keeps you “Busier than a cat covering doo-doo on a marble floor.”

“She’s uglier than homemade soap.”

“Your momma’s so fat, when she got on the scales to be weighed, it said ‘To be continued’.”

“He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.”

“Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits.”

“The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead”

“I’m just about as welcome at my inlaws as a hair in a biscuit.”

And….

Today is Tuesday, this is due on Thursday, and I’m at the jail all night tomorrow. Maybe I’ll just take a day off work every week, build that week’s Dragon Laffs all in one day and do it that way. 

This rushing around at the last minute is going to about kill me.

The problem is the girlfriend. She takes up a lot of my free time now. So, hmmm…

Not a chance in hell folks, she stays!

I’ll keep suffering through. 

Now, on with the laughter.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. . . . I want to achieve it through not dying. 

-Woody Allen (1935 – )

And the hummingbirds win the best costume award AGAIN this year!

The Dirty Song That’s Not Actually Dirty

That is SO Good!!!

A frustrated young monk approached the Shaolin Grandmaster.

“Master, I have trained for years, yet my Kung Fu remains weak,” the young man pleaded. “What is the secret? What must I do to reach your level?”

The Grandmaster smiled gently and looked out over the courtyard.

“Tell me, my son… have you ever observed the ants, working tirelessly day and night to build an empire, only to see it wiped away by a single wave of the hand?”

“I have, Master,” said the monk, leaning in closely.

“And have you watched the bamboo in a raging storm—how it bends gracefully, yet never breaks?”

“Yes, Master!”

“And have you sat by the lake at midnight, contemplating the stillness of the full moon reflected on the water?”

“Many times, Master!” the young monk gasped, eyes wide with anticipation.

The Grandmaster sighed. “Well, there’s your problem. You keep staring at stupid crap instead of practicing.”

And that’s it my friends. Until next time.

Well, today is Saturday and I’m trying to get this one done for Monday. I’m fighting a tooth infection and don’t really feel good at all. Sorry. So, we’ll see where we go with this and take it from there.

A reader asked if I had the original, high def picture of the dragon coke bottle from the other issue. I told them I don’t have it, but Aussie Pete might since he sent it to me. So, I’m asking Pete, if you have it, can you send it to me.

This is the closest I could find to it.

Pete, you have a personal message in the comments section from Sammye:

MESSAGE FOR AUSSIE PETE:

Do you have a larger, HD copy of the dragon coke bottle? I think it is absolutely brilliant and I would love to use it as my computer wallpaper. I tried the one Dragon has but it’s only 500 x 500 warps out of shape when put on a higher resolution. Thanks in advance if you do and can provide one … I would greatly appreciate it.

Got another letter from Joe. It’s a good one.

Impish,

We live in Beesley’s Point, NJ. Couple miles west of Ocean City, NJ. 

General Beesley rode out of town in the 1700’s and said: “Don’t do anything until I get back!”

Everyone is still waiting!

      …Joe

And that’s it my friends. I’m worn out, and not feeling well, so … until next time.

Well, this is unusual.

Today is Friday and I’m not working from home. I’m working from work. But, not my work, Holly’s work. 

See, I’m off work and Holly had to work so she suggested I come to where she works, a library, to work.  So, I’m sitting here, writing to you guys, in a library, and get the occasional smooch as she walks by.

I could get used to this.

God has been good to me. Had the electricity go out at my house … but not all of it. Just upstairs in Izzy’s rooms. Circuit breaker didn’t pop, nothing seemed wrong, just that the power didn’t work. I called a buddy of mine who is an electrician both privately and for the Air Force and he came by the house the next day, while I was at the jail (!) doing ministry work and had it sorted before I got home! Saved me a ton of money. 

Turns out the ceiling fan in her room had been installed without using wire nuts and instead the ends had been taped together. Well, as you can imagine, not being protected properly, one of the wires burned through and since the house is old and wired in series, everything past that connection stopped working. Now, I need to check the other fan upstairs and see if it was done stupidly as well.

But, because he found it, it saved me a ton of money that I didn’t have, when I offered to pay him, he said, “a cup of coffee.” 

I am so blessed!

And now, let’s bless all of us with some laughter for the day.

Ummm … Yeah, never mind.

During World War II, four prisoners are captured and brought back to a German base, set to await the death penalty in their cells. The prisoners are a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman and an Englishman.

One morning, a German officer comes in and tells the prisoners, “You are to be lined up and each shot in turn, but before you are shot you get a final request.”

The Scotsman says, “Before I’m shot I’d like to hear Highland Cathedral played on the bagpipes once again, to remind me of the old country.”

The German nods, “That can be arranged.”

The Irishman says, “Before I die, I’d like to hear Danny Boy sung, with Riverdancers skipping gaily to the tune to remind me of the old country.”

The German nods, “That can also be arranged.”

The Welshman says, “For the last time before I die I’d like to hear Men of Harlech again, sung by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir, to remind me of the old country.”

The German nods, “Yes. That can be arranged.”

“You’re going to grant those three requests?” asks the Englishman.

“Of course,” says the German officer. “So… what is your request?”

And the Englishman says, “Can I be shot first?”

This one is from Joe:

Hi Everyone,

I don’t know about you but I keep seeing a lot of ads for ‘Tiny Houses’. They all look lovely though I doubt they’d stay that nice and neat. 

My big concern and something you should really check out is:

Where are you going to park it?

Will you have a water source?

How will you handle the septic issue? The built in tank has to be emptied.  How often depends on how many people live there. 

Is this unit insulated for local winters? 

Also, before buying, check your local zoning laws. How your town classifies it could be a major factor. 

The fact that you are on one of my lists tells me that you are way above average but pass this information to a friend or family member if they seem interested. 

      Regards,    …Joe

I don’t know anything about tiny houses…my regular sized one is giving me enough trouble.

I had to stay overnight in the hospital for some tests. As I was settling into bed, my roommate—an old man in his seventies, was on the phone ordering breakfast from the hospital cafeteria:

“First off, give me scrambled eggs—extra runny. Flash-cook ’em for about seven seconds and make sure there’s at least one whole, crunchy eggshell mixed in.”

“Next, black coffee. Cold. Not iced—just a lukewarm cup that’s been sitting out on a counter for two days.”

“Finally—and I know this sounds strange—I want a glass of orange juice served in a used urine specimen cup. A faint taste of urine settles my stomach.”

Suddenly, a loud screech came blasting out of the earpiece: “That is absolutely disgusting! We can’t do that!”

The old man shook his head, adjusted his thick glasses, and said:

“Why not? You did it yesterday!”

And that’s it for today, my dear friends. I hope you had as much fun as I did. Until we meet again, be loved, be safe, be comforted.