Apparently the topic de jour on the news this morning (Saturday) is all things Epstein. Everything from the Clintons finally appearing and the odds of them lying in their depositions to Bill Gates asking Epstein for antibiotics to slip into his wife’s coffee because of an STD he caught while on the island. I think we will soon see a new TV show “As The Island Turns” or some other such nonsense. It would make millions.

Hmm, maybe I ought to make a pitch. 

Probably not.

Because I COULDN’T CARE LESS.

Everyone is so wrapped up in this nonsense. Evil is wrapped up in this world and when it comes to light, people act all surprised. And when it involves people of power, they act even more surprised. Well, gee, how in the world do you think they got in power? 

Anyway, enough about that. Moving on to important stuff…

What an outstanding sign!

Well, he doesn’t come out and exactly say so, but this may be a picture of the infamous Friggin’ Pete. It does all fit.

Apparently exercise helps you with decision making. It’s true. I went for a run this morning and decided
I’m never going again.

The most common words people misuse:
Two, To, Too
There, Their, They’re
Your, You’re
and Racist

Another absolutely AWESOME prank! BUT! If he got charged by the repairman, his asshole friends need to cover the bill. That’s only fair.

Amen! Amen! Praise God! Amen!

Hmmm, looking ahead, I have a whole row of dragon tattoos coming up.

After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.

I LOVE THIS ONE!!!! Don’t get it? Read Jonah … it’s only 4 chapters long.

We had a cappuccino machine, I thought my wife kept cleaning the crispy dried milk off the steamer spout, she thought I was doing it.

A year later, after coffee every morning, we found out the cat was licking it off when we were at work.

Today, my son came to me and gave me a hug – out of the blue. I was very pleasantly surprised – that is, until I heard him tell his father, “You’re right. She did gain weight.”

Me: So my husband… 

First Grader: You have a husband? 

Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me. 

First Grader: Oh, I always thought you were feral. 

Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’? 

First Grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

I think people who use the wrong word should have the humidity to admit it.

I always mean what I say.

I may not always mean to say it out loud, but I do mean it.

Yes!!!

I got a book at the used book store titled “A guide to Surgical Procedures”. I opened it up and the appendix was missing.

So, I need to get this off my chest.

I’m not sure if this was actually in the paper, just on their website, or just on this app that I have, but the Indy Star, a Newspaper in Indianapolis had this headline: IMPD reviewing after video shows officer threatening Black teen driver.

That sounds pretty bad right?

Well, it gets even worse when you read a little bit further down and you read that the officer had threatened to kill a 17-year-old black driver was posted on social media. Okay, catch up a little bit, IMPD is Indianapolis Metropolitan Police Dept.

The article talks about this poor kid’s mom saying that her son and 3 of his friends were driving along when they noticed a police car following them. They get pulled over at a gas station, less than half a mile from their school. The kid puts his phone on the dashboard, and you can hear the officer say, “We’re gonna get you out of the car here. So when you get out, I’m gonna pull you out, I want you to put your hands on top of the car, Ok?”

“What am I getting out for?

“The car smells like weed. Step out of the car,”

The officer grabs his wrist and pulls him out.

“Yo, what?” he asks

“I will f—ing kill you. Do you understand me?” the officer says

So, sounds bad, right? Let me tell you what makes this a rant for me. Because if you were to stop right there or just read the headline, you don’t get the true story. And I understand COMPLETELY why that officer said what he said.

Here’s the rest of the story:

These four kids were at an event at the school.

The police were warned that some of the kids at the school event were going to have weapons, so they were keeping an eye out for that.

These police officers witnessed these four kids with a weapon get into this car and allowed them to drive away from the school for safety reasons so they wouldn’t be near the school and then pulled them over in a safe(r) location.

I’m speculating on this next point, but it seems highly probable, if one of the kids made ANY KIND of move that EVEN LOOKED LIKE he was reaching for a weapon, that police officer would have said those exact words, “I will f—ing kill you. Do you understand me?” to get him to stop whatever it was he was doing or even thinking about doing because he DID NOT WANT TO HAVE TO SHOOT A KID. 

The cop had no idea at that point in time, which one of the kids or if ALL of the kids had a weapon on them. If any of them even made a move that LOOKED like they COULD have been going for a weapon, he would have used his loudest, most aggressive voice to get him to think twice about what he MIGHT have been thinking about doing because if he even LOOKED like he was going to pull a gun the police officer was just about obligated to shoot him. And he DID   NOT   WANT   TO   SHOOT   A   KID.  Even a dumb one.

In the end, three of the boys were released and one was arrested for possession of a firearm, thus proving my point. Just like you yell loudly at a child to NOT TOUCH THAT when they reach for a hot stove to frighten them into stopping what they are doing in the middle of what they are about to do.

I have used the exact same tactic myself while working in the jail as a jailor. (Also as a Sergeant with young airmen … same theory).

Of course, IMPD is reviewing the body cam footage of the officer, which, of course, hasn’t been released, they’ve apologized for the foul language and said that this is not the way we want interactions between law enforcement and the youth of Indianapolis to be and yadda, yadda, political correctness, woke nonsense.  

My bet is that this guy publicly will be counseled on proper interactions with youth or some such crap while privately will be told he did everything correctly. At least, that’s the way it should go down, if I have my facts straight.

So, Mom. All upset because your poor, innocent baby was “threatened by a police officer”? He may very well have saved his, or one of the other boys’ life.  Let me ask you a question: How come your poor, innocent baby was driving around with another kid with a gun? You can’t possibly say he didn’t know he had a gun if the police knew from a distance. What sort of friends are YOU allowing YOUR son to hang out with? Why aren’t you outraged over the fact that the school isn’t doing more to make sure that weapons aren’t allowed on school property or at a school function? Why is it the police’s fault when they are trying to SAVE YOUR CHILD’S LIFE?

And shame on you, Indy Star for putting that kind of a slant on that article instead of backing the IMPD up front, like you should have.

Okay, I’m done ranting. I just had to. I have a lot of friends in law enforcement and even some on IMPD and I’m sick and tired of them getting the dirty end of the stick. Do you know how scary a traffic stop is? 

I do.

I desire to pontificate.

But …

I won’t.

At least at this point. Maybe I will deeper into the issue. Who knows.

So, agonizingly true.

This is so wrong and I laughed so hard!

One Saturday morning, Bob got up early, put on his long johns, and began to dress quietly.

He slipped into the garage and hooked his boat up to the truck, then proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.

 

He immediately pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

Disappointed, he went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

He cuddled up to his wife, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
“The weather is terrible outside.”

His wife sleepily replied,
“I know. Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?”

Just think! And as pretty as you think it is, you can’t possibly IMAGINE!

GRRRRR!!!!!!!!!! Don’t get me started!!!!!

All I’m saying is climate change wasn’t an issue when we were sacrificing virgins to the sun god regularly.

Yeah, but you have no IDEA what other problems we had when we were doing that … the Tower of Babel ring any bells? Sodom? Gomorrah?  Noah’s flood?

There is more truth in that simple meme than most people learn in their whole lives. Faith. That small five-letter word which is so incredibly deep. Having the faith to believe that all things … all things … the good and the bad, like the vows of a marriage ceremony: for better for worse, richer and poorer, sickness and health … you can read that last one as in pain and pain-free. It’s all there with God, too. Jesus is the Groom and he’s returning for His Bride, the Church. The Church is not a building or a denomination, it’s the people – Us.

My son asked me if he could fart in a box and give it to his friend for Christmas.

On a related note, I know what I’m giving my brother this year.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.

Then, it becomes a soap opera.

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence…

The rest of the year went very smoothly.

See!  It’s always Bob!

You forgot, “Rub dirt on it.”

No kidding. I really can’t see today’s kids doing the things that we did.

I just replaced the air freshener can with an air horn in the church bathroom…

…now we wait!!!

Yup, been there, done that. Had a buddy that we had to do that EVERY time.

In the span of 17 years 114 people died in a weight lifting accident at the gym.

In the same 17 year time frame, only one man died while eating a doughnut.

Life is about the choices we make.

Educate yourself.

If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neck-hole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”

And that’s it my friends. No serious pontificating after all. May the laughter of today help you through the problems of tomorrow.

Well, that was probably the shortest furlough I’ve ever been on. Real time, it lasted a day and a half. If you want to be absolutely accurate, from the time I signed the furlough letter and turned it in, to the time I got the text message saying that I needed to return the next morning at regular time, it was exactly 30 hours and 52 minutes. 

Now, the actual shut-down was much longer than that, but they had to wait until Monday morning, when we came back on our regular work day to have us sign the furlough letter and then when all the paperwork was done, they sent us home. There was probably more time spent doing the paperwork and all the red-tape, then we were actually away from work.

Then I spent most of Wednesday catching up on what I missed on Monday and Tuesday and spent most of today (Thursday) putting everything to rights for the rest of the week and next week.

So tomorrow, Friday, things will finally be put back to rights and (at least for me and my office) we’ll be back on track where we need to be.

All for what amounted to 16 work hours.

Ridiculous. 

Okay, I would have questions…

I guess at 67 I’m too young. I had to look it up. It’s an extra low gear for “off road” or super low torque needs. Basically, it’s actually first gear and the others are mislabeled by one down.

Awww … so cute! At that time. Now? Not so much.

Hmmmm … I wonder …

And that’s EXACTLY how the furlough works. This time AND last time. Thanks to brother Wheats for that one!

What a fantastic idea!  The next time I have some down-time …

Abraham Lincoln said watching “Melania” was the worst experience he’s ever had in a theatre. 

That’s an old one, but a good one and it ALWAYS makes me laugh.

Doctor: Eating a lot of cinnamon will help you lose weight.

Me at Dunkin Donuts: I’ll have 12 Cinnamon rolls with extra cinnamon.

My new role model is the old lady I saw at the store. 

She was buying Oreos, Corn Dogs and Vodka. 

Another classic!

My therapist suggested I get an emotional support animal…so I got a chicken. 
Deep fried.
Came with a milkshake.
Feeling better now.

I don’t know how to describe it, but 72 degrees with the heat on and 72 degrees with the A/C on are two totally different temperatures.

I AGREE 100%!!!!

I hate it when I eat the last bite but didn’t notice it was the last bite so I couldn’t mentally prepare myself and get closure.

This time when I was seven I thought that I could talk to trees (because I had no friends), and I used to sit by them and say things and one day I was talking to my tree friend called Kevin and this girl went up to me and said, “Are you talking to that tree, freak!” and I started crying and hugged on to the tree, and while she was laughing one of the branches fell on the girl’s head. Thanks, Kevin.

The coin I carry every day in my pocket. In fact, I carry two of them in case I come across someone in need who I feel like l need to give one to. Then, when I get home, I replace the one I gave away.

And that’s it my friends. I hope you had as much fun as I did. So, until next time…

Well, it’s official, I’m on furlough. (Today’s Monday, by the way) I don’t know for how long. Could be a day, could be a week, could be … yeah, we’re not going there. 

Now, instead of arguing over health care for illegals, they’re arguing over DHS funding, which, in essence, is arguing over the means of getting rid of illegals. Or, in other words, they are arguing over stupidity.

But the one thing that annoys the ever-living-daylights out of me is that they are insisting that ICE agents are not allowed to wear masks. The only reason to do that is so that they can apply facial recognition to track them down, where they live and harass or harm their families.  The only reason they WEAR their masks is to PROTECT their identities and their families. That is just unfair, mean, cruel, and downright evil. It is wrong on so many levels.

But Impish, these protesters aren’t sophisticated enough to have facial ID technology. No, they’re not, but the people and “movements” that are actually behind them are. 

I just had a very long conversation with a certain young dragon that lives in this cavern with me and I hope she sees things a little more clearly on this topic then she did before.

So…onward and upward, my friends …

This is one of my favorite jokes of all time:

A husband shopping center (HusbandMart) has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. 

The store is comprised of six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. 

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. 

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: “Floor 1 – These men have jobs.” 

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes. 

The second floor sign reads: “Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.” 

The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again. 

The third floor sign reads: “Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.” 

“Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?” 

The fourth floor sign reads: “Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.” 

“Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight. 

The fifth floor sign reads: “Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong 
romantic streak.”

“Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on?” 

So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads: 

“Floor 6 – You are visitor 123,456,789,012,345 to this floor. 
There are no men on this floor. 
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. 
Thank you for shopping at HusbandMart and have a nice day.”

The 80’s

Many memories.
No evidence.

You know you’re over 40 when you have upstairs ibuprofen and downstairs ibuprofen.

I went for a job interview at UPS. I said, “Sorry I’m late, I went to the wrong address.” and they made me regional manager.

Yeah, just for that.

I just watched a program about beavers.

It was the best dam documentary I have ever seen.

We always wanted to be adults so bad. Now look at us … stressed, broke, tired, and excited when the laundry’s done.

[Spits mouthful of blood onto the floor] You’ve become far more powerful since we last crossed paths.

Dentist: Please stop doing that. There’s literally a sink right next to you.

I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap. Nobody warned me that adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.

That’s it my friends. It’s just a little while later from when I started, but still no word on the ending of the furlough (I didn’t think there would be) but for you guys reading this, it’s Saturday … almost a week from now … well, a work week from now … and you will know FAR more than I do right now. Hopefully, I’m back to work again, but some of the articles I’m reading say that this is going to last longer than anticipated.

Thankfully, I anticipated this much better than I did last time and this one is not going to hurt me like the last one did. So don’t worry for me. In fact, I’ll let you know if you need to start worrying for me, how’s that sound?

So, for now, until next time …

So, it’s still Saturday, I’m starting Thursday’s issue, since I have NO idea what next week is going to give me.  According to what I’ve read, the government is now officially shut down. The Senate has passed a bill that will fund the government except for Homeland Security, which will operate on a stopgap for two weeks, and the bill goes to the House which will not meet again until Monday. So, Monday I will go into work, sign the furlough paperwork and go home. 

And wait.

How long I wait will depend on the House. Could be hours, could be days. I don’t think it will be that long, but I was extraordinarily wrong on the last one.

So, we’ll see, I guess. By the time you read this we’ll all know.

In the mean time,  

Because what else are we going to do?

What a difference 25 years makes.

Husband: I think I’m having a heart attack…

Way, way cool!

Ummm… (hating to admit this) … 67.

Hey!!!!

Oh, don’t I know it!! Philippians 1:6, Paul writes: And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. (ESV) And until that day and time, He will continue to boost you up do do His work. I often say that God has helped me endure, and even taken away, my pain so long as He has work for me to do and so long as I continue to do it.

Whenever I see chocolate, I hear TWO voices in my head. One of them says, “Eat the chocolate.” And the other one says, “You heard…Eat the chocolate.”

Wife: I’m going out for 2 hours. Do you want anything?

Husband: No, that’s enough.

Maybe the reason aliens haven’t visited our solar system yet is because we only have one star. Maybe they are looking for systems with a 4 or 5 star rating.

This is a great reference chart.

If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?

Plastic Explosives.

Here’s one that not everyone will get…

Last night, I had a horrifying dream that disco was actually making a comeback.

At first, I was afraid. I was petrified.

See the previous meme!!!!!

How do you know if someone is hitchhiking or just complimenting your driving?

FUN FACT: A leopard can drag something twice its weight up a tree.

A cougar can drag someone half her age into bed.

Liven up any conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

Day 283 without sex:

A mosquito sucked on my neck and I moaned a little bit.

And that’s it for this one.  Gotta go feed the dogs … and this dragon. Bye for now my friends.