Today is Saturday and I’m in the middle of a long weekend. I’m trying my best to relax, waiting on the Whelpling to come by so we can take care of a tree branch in the backyard that is hanging over the fence into the neighbor’s yard. It split from the wind and is hanging on, so we need to either pull it down or cut it down or something.
Then, if the weather clears up, we’re going for a ride.
But, in the mean time, …
NIGHT CLASSES FOR MEN – SIGN-UP NOW Classes for Men at our Local Learning Center for Adults Note:
Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants each.
TOPIC 1 – How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays. Step by step, with slide presentations.
TOPIC 2 – The Toilet Paper Roll: Do They Grow on the Holders? Round table discussion.
TOPIC 3 – Is it Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat Up and Avoiding the Floors/Walls and Nearby Bathtub? Group practice.
TOPIC 4 – Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.
TOPIC 5 – The After-Dinner Dishes and Silverware: Can They Levitate and Fly into the Kitchen Sink? Examples on video.
TOPIC 6 – Loss of Identity: Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other. Helpline support and support groups.
TOPIC 7 – Learning How to Find Things, Starting With Looking in the Right Place Instead of Turning the House Upside Down While Screaming. Open forum.
TOPIC 8 – Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers is NOT Harmful to Your Health. Graphics and audio tape.
TOPIC 9 – Real Men Ask for Directions When Lost. Real life testimonials.
TOPIC 10 – Is It Genetically Impossible to Sit Quietly as She Parallel Parks? Driving simulation.
TOPIC 11 – Learning to Live: Base Differences Between Mother and Wife. On-line class and role playing.
TOPIC 12 – How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation exercises,meditation, and breathing techniques.
TOPIC 13 – How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries, Other Important Dates, and Calling When You’re Going to Be Late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered. *
* Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued – to the few survivors.
Nurse came in and said Doc, there’s a man in the waiting room who thinks he’s invisible.
What should I tell him?
The doctor said: Tell him I can’t see him today.
This one is from Joe…
Note from a friend with a rather large wife:
____________________
The socialization of men separates them from the more grounded emotions of women.
Most of the arguments in married life are the fault of men, and for one reason only; men have never learned how to compliment women.
I’ll give you an example from my marriage to Karen.
I don’t want to say Karen is fat….because so many other people do. Her measurements are 54-46-44….and her other breast is slightly smaller.
We once went to the Opera, and no one would leave until she sang a song.
Getting back to this compliment thing, one day I pulled into the driveway after work, and Karen came running out of the house, bouncing all over.
She asked “How do you like me in the no-bra look?”
Without thinking, and sure I was giving her a compliment, I said “Well, it sure smoothes out those wrinkles on your forehead.”
The next thing I remember is the Doctor placing paddles on my chest and yelling “Clear!”
At the coffee shop:
Is your husband easy to please?
I don’t know…I’ve never tried!
Youngman:
I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport
This one has some pretty good clips in it…
And that’s it my friends. Another one in the box. I hope you had as much fun as I did. But, I’d like to get a jump on the next one, so I’m going to say …
Well, I saw the black italicized script today and it looked pretty good. I haven’t seen the new and improved blue yet to make my final decision, so we’ll see.
Today is Monday and I got through the long weekend. We had a typhoon hit today and supposed to have another one hit tomorrow. My buddy Wheats informed me that I am in the wrong hemisphere and too far inland to get hit by a typhoon. Then I sent him a short video.
I’m not saying he changed his mind, but I didn’t hear any more about it.
Anyway, between bouncing around and doing things, it’s taken me an hour to write this opening, so you can see how my Monday is going, LOL! So, let’s get the fun stuff going, shall we?
Okay, so that’s the PERFECT one to start with for today!
If coffee was bad for you, I’d of been dead YEARS ago!
No, no, no! Don’t get me wrong, this is wonderful, but let’s start at verse 6. This is Paul writing to the Church at Philippi. So, starting at verse 6, NKJV,
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Now comes verse 8:
Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is anything praiseworthy – mediate on these things.
Taken as a whole, it is a wonderful recipe for living your life for Christ. Be anxious for nothing! Give it all over to God. We talk about this almost every Wednesday at the jail. Being anxious accomplishes nothing. God has taken such good care of me since I’ve given it all over to Him. Has bad stuff happened to me? Sure it has! But, He has seen me through, every single time. One way or the other. Not always the way I’d like, but it has always worked out. I could go through each and every one of those steps, but I’m not going to, you can figure them all out for yourselves.
NASA has confirmed that a little asteroid named 2025 PN7 has been orbiting in sync with Earth. Discovered by the University of Hawaii, the asteroid is categorized as a “quasi-moon.” The quasi moon is a rare kind of space object, and keeps in almost perfect sync with Earth’s orbit.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes.
Priest: Wow! I gotta hear this.
Me: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share.
Priest: You forgot pride.
Me: No, I’m pretty proud of this.
11 years ago Mary and I planted this little bitty rose bush behind our pergola. We never trimmed it back or did ANYTHING with it at all. We wanted to see what it would do on it’s own. We laughed at it every year. I still laugh at it every year as it has just gone NUTS!
And yes, I used to load those on aircraft and no, that is NOT my handiwork.
Yeah, that would be me…
I know exactly what they are. They are containers that hold less than an ounce for those areas where that used to matter.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me, “I could marry you”.
I couldn’t believe it…
You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Anyone still shut off lights when leaving a room because their parents used to say “don’t waste electricity?”
So, I just got my head pulled together and looked ahead and realized that THIS issue is publishing on Memorial Day. I was going to start over and realized I can’t start over because I would lose everything that I’ve already put in, so I’m going to start from here and sayLet’s celebrate
Mostly exempt? Mostly?
You know, I have so much to say about Memorial Day. A day to honor our fallen. It’s not just about our military. You know the police celebrate Memorial Day for their fallen. The Fire Department for theirs. EMS… All of those who run towards the gun fire and the flames and the wounded and not away, celebrate … and maybe celebrate is not the right word … remember Memorial Day. And unless you’ve been touched by either serving or having lost a loved one, I’m not sure it has the same significance. It’s a special day to me. I’ve served in the Military, I’ve been a 911 dispatcher, police officer, and am now a civilian emergency manager working for the Air Force. Do you know that about 2% of Americans ever serve in the military. That means that 2 are protecting the other 98. That number is dropping. The next time you see a Vet, a Cop, a Fire Fighter, an EMT, take a moment to tell them “Thank you for your service!” And mean it. Some of the hardest and crappiest paying jobs out there. And most of us do it with a smile on our face every single day. Except there are some days that some of us don’t get to come home to our families. And THAT’s what today is about. Remembering THOSE men and women.
Two old men, Saul and Morty, meet on a cruise and discover they have everything in common. They’re both widowers, they both live in New York, and they’re both culture vultures with a passion for the arts. They spend the whole cruise talking about theater, opera, ballet, music, and art museums.
They promise to meet up again after the ship docks.
A week later, Saul calls Morty. “Morty, I got two tickets to the New York Philharmonic on Friday. An evening of Bach and Beethoven. Want to come with me?”
“Wow! Bach! Beethoven! I could think of nothing more sublime. But unfortunately, I can’t come on Friday night. Shapiro is playing.”
“Oh,” says Saul, disappointed.
The following week, Saul calls Morty again. “Morty, I got us two tickets to La Boheme starring Andrea Bocelli for Saturday night!”
“Incredible! Bocelli and La Boheme – my two favorites! But sadly, I cannot make it Saturday night. Shapiro is playing!”
Saul decides to give him one more chance the following week. “Morty, you’re not going to believe this, but the Louvre has sent the Mona Lisa itself to the Met for a one-night-only exhibition Wednesday night. Tickets? Forget it. Not even the mayor can get in. But I managed to snag one for each of us.”
“The Mona Lisa?! It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! Oh my friend, I want to be there so badly, but unfortunately—
“Let me guess. Shapiro is playing?”
“He is!”
“Morty, I’m insulted! I’ve never heard of this guy. Who the hell is this Shapiro? What does he play??”
“My friend, I don’t know what Shapiro plays. I don’t know where he plays it. All I know is, when Shapiro is playing, I’m spending the night with his wife!”
Taps always makes me cry. But with this full rendition of Taps, which I had never heard before, I cried like a baby.
Yup, it’s gonna be the bear.
More traditional…
A little girl was sitting at the kitchen table doing homework while her dad read the newspaper nearby. After a few minutes, she looked up thoughtfully and asked, “Daddy, why don’t I have a little sister?”
Her father smirked, deciding to tease her a bit.
“Oh, but you do have a little sister,” he said.
The little girl’s eyes widened. “I do?!”
“Sure,” he replied with a grin. “Every time you walk in the front door, she walks out the back door.”
The little girl sat there quietly for a second, trying to figure it out. Then her face lit up with understanding.
“Ohhh, I get it!” she said cheerfully. “You mean she’s just like my other daddy.”
That’s all. So many words left unsaid. But, maybe that’s as it should be. I’m curious to see what our pastor will do with Memorial Day this year. Be well my friends. Wish a service member a thankful day today. Until next time.
So, now it’s Sunday and it’s been a long weekend. And sadly, I get to go right back to it tomorrow. But, while I can, I get to spend time with my favorite people for a couple of hours while I rest up and recharge for more … well … I’m not really sure what to call it, but from the week I’ve had, “fun” ain’t the right word.
So, what do you say we try to get some laughter in before we have to start thinking about the work day tomorrow?
Not only that, but he’s lying about the whole dragon slaying thing. Knights don’t slay dragons, they get eaten by them. Proven fact.
ALWAYS good advice.
Looks like I need more chickens … and maybe a little more sleep.
Yeah, but it’s the 39 wives part…
Sadly, I’m not sure that is as much of a deterrent as they hope it is.
Comparing Trump to Nehemiah is one heck of a stretch my friend! Not really the same thing thing.
What if I said I want it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Wrong … just … wrong.
I remember when I was about 9 or 10 or so I had a stingray bike. You know the ones with the butterfly handlebars and the banana seats? Yeah, that one. They had just repaved our road and it was nice and smooth, but the pavement was that “just paved softness” and I was racing down the street really fast and popped a wheelie and while the front was up in the air the front wheel came off. And, well, I wasn’t good enough to keep it up in the and when those front forks came down at speed and dug into that soft pavement, old Impish became a catapult. Like the picture says, we didn’t wear any helmets back then. I’ll bet I lay in the street for 30 minutes before Mrs. McGinley came running out and got me standing. I think some of the other kids got my bike back together again and I sort of remember riding the half block back home. You know, thinking about it now, that crash, at a young age, may explain a few things.
I was just on the Weight Watchers website
and it asked me if I accept cookies. This is
either a trick question or some sort of set
up.
Okay, I have to share this headline that I just read and then just a few of the details… first, the headline:
Masked man set fire at Walmart using camping fuel and fireworks in children’s clothing section to distract from massive jewelry heist, authorities say.
First of all, where could this possibly happen?
Okay, you were close, Maryland, but the dude was from New Jersey so you were partially right. My bigger question is, so when did Walmart get expensive enough jewelry to make it worthwhile to go through this much trouble? Anyway, just thought I’d share.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out, “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here.” I headed over with several others. She handed out ice creams to them all then asked me, “Who are you?” It was then I realized all the rest were her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Tomorrow is National Skip Work and Do Absolutely Nothing Day. It’s not official, I made it up, and I’m fully committed. Spread the word.
THIS man, is my SPIRIT animal!!
It is so true. He is so tolerant of us sinners. We don’t deserve Him, truly we don’t.
My wife and I had a big fight. Afterwards she came crawling to me on her hands and knees…
Saying, “You come out from under that bed and fight like a man!”
Apparently you have to eat healthy more than
once to get in shape.
This is cruel and unfair.
Yeah … but … um … crap!
I always knew I’d get old. How fast it
happened was a bit of a surprise, though.
That’s just wrong!
I have a condition that prevents me from
going on a diet…
I get hungry.
I am starting to think I will never be old
enough to know better.
Me neither.
I think senility is going to be a fairly
smooth transition for me.
Nope! Not going that way!
And that’s it for this one my friends. Now, I need to get the rest of the stuff done that I need to get done. Which means… good night for now, dear friends, until next time. Love and happiness to you all.
Well, it’s Saturday and I’m home from work. Yay! And I’m doing laundry. Boo! But, you gotta have clean clothes, right? So, while the first load is in the dryer and the second load is in the washer, I’ve caught up on the new emails and filed everything and here we go!
I may have figured out this color thing.Or trying to.
I got a package delivered today, but it was for a neighbor so I knocked on their door and their 12 year old boy answered with a beer in one hand and a cigar in the other, I asked “Is your father home?
He looked me in the eye and said “what do you think ?”
When Frank’s father passed away, he wanted to give him the finest funeral possible. He walked into the funeral home and told the undertaker, “Money is no object. Dad worked hard his whole life, and I want him treated like royalty.”
The undertaker nodded solemnly. “We’ll make sure everything is first-class.”
And first-class it was.
There were huge flower arrangements, a gleaming mahogany casket, a beautiful service, soft organ music, and even a horse-drawn hearse. Friends and relatives kept telling Frank it was one of the most elegant funerals they’d ever attended.
A few days later, Frank received the bill: $16,085.
He gulped a little, but figured, “Well, Dad deserved it,” and mailed the check.
The next month, another bill arrived. This one was for $85.
Frank assumed it must’ve been some small extra charge he overlooked, so he paid it.
The following month, another $85 bill showed up.
Then another the month after that.
Finally, after six straight months of paying these mysterious $85 charges, Frank called the undertaker.
“Look,” he said, “I already paid over sixteen thousand dollars for my father’s funeral. Why do I keep getting billed 85 bucks every month?”
The undertaker replied, “Well, sir… you said you wanted the very best for your father.”
“Yes?”
“So I rented him a tux.”
Don’t you HATE that!!
There’s no workman, whatsoever he be, that may both work well and hastily.
-Chaucer (c. 1343 – 1400)
Why do men pass gas more than women? –Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Yeah, mine too.
Concentrate your energies, your thoughts and your capital…. The wise man puts all his eggs in one basket and watches the basket.
-Andrew Carnegie (1835-1919)
This supposedly true story is about a pastor (who is not a computer literate person by his own admission) as he told of a real phone call he received from the church secretary.
Secretary: Pastor, we’ve got a problem in the computer lab where you met with the confirmation class last week. Some of the boys in the class started messing with the mice.
Pastor: What?!?! {thinking: we’ve got mice in there????}
Secretary: Yeah, it seems some of the boys removed their balls.
Pastor: {incredulously:} Th..th…they did what?????? How in the world did they do that?
Secretary: They must have used a screwdriver or something.
Pastor: We’ve got some pretty sick boys… I… I… didn’t even realize mice had balls…
Secretary: Yeah, they roll around on ’em all the time.
Pastor: What?????? {still thinking of the little furry real animals} Well…what can we do?
Secretary: I guess we’ll have to put ’em back on.
Pastor: WHAT????????!!!!!!
Secretary: Hmmm….Pastor, are we talking about the same thing?!
Personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers:
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80s, slim, 5′-4″ (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just Buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.
And that’s it for this one my friends. Time to go take care of the second load of laundry. And start on the rest of the stuff I have to do today. But it was fun spending time with you today my dear friends.
So, I have a couple of hours of time after my SAPC meeting and before going to bed, so I’m going to start this next issue. Not sure when I’m going to FINISH this issue. So let’s see. It’s now Tuesday night, let’s see how it goes, shall we?
And I found out what the new text looks like on a published issue and…it is pretty bad. So… I guess all the text will now be in black and you’ll just have to figure out what’s me. Maybe I’ll put my writing in italics. Let’s see if that works.
Okay, it’s now Friday. and I’m SO far behind. It took me 3 hours JUST to get caught up on my emails. I gave a talk last night to the community on home preparedness. That went pretty well, but was a bit … different. It was a round table event with the SAPC (Substance Abuse Prevention Council) so the other 5 speakers were talking about substance abuse in one form or another and then … there was me. The other 5 speakers sat behind their table and gave their talks and answered questions and then … there was me. The first thing I did was stand up and apologize and tell everyone that in my job, I stood when I talked. When I was done, I was out from behind the table and in amongst the audience and talking to them as individuals, not as a group. Somehow I don’t think I was supposed to do that, but it was a lot of fun … for me, if not for anyone else.
I WANT ONE!!!!
I wonder if they were holding out for more and it fell through or they really didn’t want to sell?
Old man Willy Blumenfeld was getting on in years. His son, Harold, had done well financially in ladies’ underwear.
He asked his father if he’d like to go down to Miami Beach. He thought it would be good for the old man to have companionship and balmy weather as well in his declining years.
The old man was pleased but consented to go only if he could be at a Kosher hotel. And so Harold made reservations at the Sterling Hotel and put his father on a plane for Miami Beach.
His son phoned him once a week and everyone seemed happy. Some weeks later, Harold had to make a business trip south and decided to drop in on pop unannounced as a surprise.
When he got to the Sterling Hotel, there was no sign of old man Blumenfeld.
He asked the desk clerk if he had any idea where his father might be and he was told he might try room 402 at the Sans Souci. Harold hopped into a cab and headed for the Sans Souci. He learned at the desk that room 402 was occupied by a Miss Peggy Murphy.
Harold rushed up to room 402, knocked at the door which was opened by a tall, sparsely dressed redhead. And there was papa in a bathrobe!
Harold was furious! Unable to contain himself, he screamed, “Papa, I’m so shocked I don’t know what to say! An old religious man like you! And you insisted yet you must stay at a Kosher hotel!”
The old man looked at him as if crazy and said, “So, what are you getting so excited for?
I don’t eat here!”
I found this on line and it intrigued me. I never knew this information before today. So, I’m including it here to share with you guys to see what you think. I’m going to try it starting tonight to see what happens.
Q: My child will not eat fish. What can I
replace it with?
A: A Cat. Cats love fish.
There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A: Fowl weather.
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT A WOMAN’S “I’ll BE READY IN 5 MINUTES” AND A MAN’S “I’LL BE HOME IN 5 MINUTES” ARE EXACTLY THE SAME?
And that’s it for this one … at long last. Took a while to get through this one. And tomorrow, Saturday, when I get home from work, I’ll get started on the next one. At some point in time, I’ll get another day off. It will happen and it will disappear faster than my cigar smoke. So, until next time my dear friends, my love to you all.
Dragon Laffs 