Dragon Laffs #1769

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Good Morning Campers,

Vertigo has disappeared, thank God, but because of that, not much to really talk about this morning, so rather than prattle on, I’m just going to jump right into the fun stuff … how does that sound to everyone? 

Any decenters?  Going once … going twice …

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VAPING IS SO WEIRD.  YOU WALK PAST A BUNCH OF HARD ASSES OUTSIDE A BAR AND THEY ALL SMELL LIKE FUCKING STRAWBERRY MUFFINS.

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Getting angry with somebody?  Think before you talk.

If the person is junior to you … count to 10 and then talk.

If the person is equal to you … count to 30 and then talk.

If the person is your senior … count to 50, then talk.

If the person is your wife … keep counting … don’t talk.

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Being able to respond with sarcasm within seconds of a stupid question is a sign of a healthy brain.

I must be healthy as a fucking horse!

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It was a little known side of Yoda

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Leah D sent this to me …

“But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. 

(2 Timothy 3:1-7)

When I read that today, I thought these must be the last days.. . I don’t think they were holding auditions?

It’s not the Kings James version I remember (and where is the part about leading captive silly women laden with sins, led away with divers lusts- but I digress) but it does seem to describe, quite nicely, our current situation.

2 Timothy 3

1 This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. Okay, that sounds like right now.

2 For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy okay, if that doesn’t describe the EVERYTHING that’s going on right now then I’m an Orc’s uncle

3 Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good  Trucebreakers are those that are now going against are police just like despisers of those that are good … same thing, although I don’t know what people that pee their pants  have to do with anything.

4 Traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; How many traitors are out there?  How many are jumping on the bandwagon?  How many mayors are throwing their police departments under the bus

And it goes on and on.  I’m not a “religious” person in the normal sense of the word.  Leah and I have had long discussions off line about our beliefs which is why she probably sent me what she sent me.  In a nut shell, I’ve belonged to many different organized religious groups, that I will not go into here for fear of insulting one that you might belong to, but I have found that none of them have been a good fit for blue dragon, so at this point in time, although I consider myself a very religious and Godly person I can’t say that I am a particular religion.  I’m an “Impishist” as in I believe in what Impish believes in.  Anyway, that’s a long way of saying that I’m not going to sit here and preach to you and tell you that this is the end of times or anything like that, I just think that it was a very interesting comparison to what’s going on now to what was written back then.

Moving on. 

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Gee, I wonder why?

Me:  Doctor, it hurts when I go like this.

Doctor:  You’re not doing anything.  You’re just sitting there being alive.

Me:  Exactly

And the lesson boys and girls, is that you don’t ever know what another person is going through, so the best thing is to always give the other person the benefit of the doubt.  It is so much easier to be nice than to be a piece of shit.

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The thing is … this was significant when I saved it … but I’m currently in the middle of a melt down, so don’t hold anything against me.

Okay … I’ve held off, but we’ve got to do this …

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Like George Orwell said, “All the pigs are equal, just some of them are more equal than others.”

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You can change the logo out on that bottom picture to about any of the lam-stream media

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Boy, ain’t THAT the truth!

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But it’s so cute!!!

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And boy, ain’t that the TRUTH!

Me:  [screaming]

You: [screaming]

All of us: [screaming]

Ice Cream Parlor Employee:  I fucking quit!

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I pretend to like people everyday.

It’s called being an adult and it’s why we’re allowed to buy alcohol. 

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oh no

Oh Sweet

Oh_my_god

Oil Change

Ok, who the

Oktoberfest

Old or New

Omen

OMFG

omg

On the right track

One mistake

One more theory

One of those days

One Wish

Onion Booty

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Okay, now I really, really want to know if the sign worked.

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Dove Chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

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I’m always forced to do shit I’m not qualified for.

Like being nice to fucking idiots.

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I have never faked a sarcasm in my life!

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A co-worker said to me, “Could you be any more annoying?”

So the next day I wore tap shoes to work.

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Not a single person asked me if I could run fast in my new shoes today.  Being an adult is stupid.

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And that’s all there is for today dear friends.  May you all be blessed with happiness and health.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1768

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Good Morning Campers,

I’m playing hooky … today is Tuesday, dart night and I’m taking the rest of the417 week off.  I think I deserve it.  Independence Day is Saturday, therefore Friday will be the official government paid holiday; Thursday will be liberal leave day (which only means that you don’t have to keep somebody in your office like you normally do, if the whole office wants to take a day of leave and have a four day weekend you can, but we always make sure we have someone there) so I was going to take Thursday off and make it a four-day weekend and well… to be perfectly frank, after the day I had today, answering asinine questions from asinine people, none of which actually even worked for the military but thought that I would have the answer because I DID work for the military, even though the questions they were asking me had nothing, NOTHING to do with either my JOB, my POSITION, my SPECIALTY, or my SUBJECT KNOWLEDGE EXPERTISE … I thought, Impish … you’ve done served your country truly well this day, you deserve a break.

And then … I swear on all that’s holy … I heard the old McDonald’s jingle playing in the background.  You know the one … “You deserve a break today, so get up and get away, to McDonalds …”

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(Oh, don’t start THAT shit again!!!!)

I … actually … heard … the … music …

I filled out the leave paperwork, submitted it to my boss, told the two guys that work for me that I would be back on Monday, that I was taking a long weekend, packed up my stuff and left the office.

I’m not sure, but I think I might be having a mental break down.

I keep hearing Barry Manilow’s voice telling me it’s okay and like a good neighbor, State Farm and I should spend time at the Copa Cabana.  He’s the one who originally sang the McDonald’s jingle and State Farm and KFC and Stridex and … and … and why is Friggin’ Barry Manilow stuck in my head.

I am Definitely Having A Mental Break Down.

So therefore, a break is in order …

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This is quite true and often a problem historically.  Hence, many a pissed off dragon has burned many a non-believing village with the ending result of giving the dragons a bad name. 

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Okay, I’m not really sure how much 300 mg of caffeine is, but is sure doesn’t sound like enough to me!

Can someone check this next fact for me?  I’m still feeling a little beaten down and am not in the best of places (Shut up Barry Manilow, I swear to all that’s holy … I’ll …) anyway … this one:

In 1964, on the floor of the U.S. Senate, Democrats held the longest filibuster in our nations history, 75 days.  All trying to prevent the passing of one thing. 

THE CIVIL RIGHTS ACT.

Something about that doesn’t ring true …

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It’s analogy time boys and girls …

The wolf has somehow convinced the sheep that the sheepdog is the dangerous one and the he must be removed.  I pray for the sheep when the sheepdog is gone and the wolf has all the sheep to himself.

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Yeah, tough love … it’s usually for the best.

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How the fuck did a generation raised on South Park and Family Guy become so offended by everything?

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Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.

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What’s blue and doesn’t weigh very much?

Light blue.

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What’s the toughest thing about being a vegan?

Apparently, keeping it to yourself.

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Weirdness abounds … so, played darts last night… did really well, thank you very much, came home, watched a little TV even though it was late, cause you can’t just come home and go to bed, but after I went to bed, woke up early to use the bathroom because I’m an old man and promptly fell on my ass … again!  I’ve got that whole vertigo thingy going on again today!!!  Some of you may remember when that happened to me … what? … last year some time where I went to Immediate Care, then the Emergency Room and they ran all kinds of tests on me and decided the rocks in my head were askew. 

So, today, I’m of the opinion that it is the whole karma thing catching up with me.  I took the day off to play hooky, so the world is making sure that I can’t do anything but sit here.  The bad news is that I have vertigo, the good news is that I really can’t go to work today.

Like being drunk without drinking anything and being totally cognizant of everything that is going on, but moving your head and having the swoops.

I’m pretty much convinced I’m having a breakdown.

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A two-year-old is like having a blender, But you don’t have a top for it.

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Let’s do some comments from the website, shall we?

Mail Call 1

Bill

Leah omitted one “Master/Slave” relationship. I am thinking of hard drives on a computer. OR, is “Hard Drive” sexist? I’m confused.
Thanks for all the great entertainment. Keep up the good work.
Bill G.

Bill, I was going to answer this, but  …

Leah D.

In reply to Bill.

Bill, “Hard Drive”, isn’t sexist, it’s SEXY!

Um … most of the IT folks I know wouldn’t … you know what … never mind.

Bob

I guess there will be no more Master Sgt’s or Master Chiefs in the military.

Bob, I’d say that I couldn’t see that happening, but it seems like I read something not too long ago about the Navy changing the names of all job titles and removing the word “man” so no more seaman, yeoman, ordnanceman, radioman, etc.  So, is it that far of a stretch to say that there won’t be any masters either.  It’s stupidity on a stick.

So, we’re here, let’s finish off the mail.

Ted K

Absolutely the best site bar-none. Appreciate it very much!

Thank you very, very much Ted and thank you very much for the donation!  Much appreciated.  Words of appreciation are the impetus I need to keep me doing this admittedly arduous task.  (them sure are purdy words … ) Nah!  I do it because I LOVE IT!  Thanks so much!

joecaller

Sir Impish,

I start smiling as soon as I see a new issue appear in my inbox. Don’t even have to open it to cheer me up. I know it will be a great issue and have me chuckling the rest of the day. You deserve time off but we all miss you!

…Joe in NJ

Ah, Joe … a fellow Jerseyite, were it really time off?  It is time off from this which I love to work, which … okay, which I also love, but I am beginning to dislike because of ignorant people doing stupid things in our country.  If I take time off from my job, which pays the bills, by the way, to work on this which I love … I need to be independently wealthy so I can do whatever I want to do and can sit here and entertain you guys all day long … ahhhh … wouldn’t THAT be the life!  Maybe I could hit the lottery… or have a rich uncle dragon leave me … nah … first of all, I’d have to PLAY the lottery, which I don’t (at least, not since Lethal passed) and second, rich dragons don’t leave anything to anyone.  They get slain by groups of adventurers and their hoard of gold gets plundered, so … sigh.  I guess we’re stuck with the scheme that we have.  But thanks Joe.  I truly and deeply appreciate your very kind words.  It’s why I do what I do.

So now … let’s do some of this …

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Nuclear Weapons

Nukes

Nuns

I’m so going to hell

Nut shots

objectivism

Obligations

Oblivious

Yes, that one is an Impish Dragon Original

obstacales

Obviously they

And that was a terrible pun

Ocean View

Octopus

odds

Office Politics

Oh Look

Oh my God

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One time I debated a flat earthier.

He got so mad that he stormed off saying that he would walk to the edge of the earth just to prove me wrong. He’ll come around eventually.

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Scientist have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the peekaboo virus.

Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.

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What’s the difference between jam and jelly?

I have never been caught in a traffic Jelly.

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What sounds like a sneeze and is made out of leather?

A shoe!        (say it out loud….)

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So, for this one you youngsters are going to have to Google the Walrus, Eggman, and the Beatles… and I already gave you too much information.

Let’s see … thinking back on it, I guess I became Anti-Islamic when I saw them chopping off Christian’s heads and burning them alive and chanting death to America.  Yeah, that was probably it.

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Did You Know: (This is late in the day) (Hey, I just work Here) That Democrats voted to penalize citizens if they didn’t buy insurance and now they offer it FREE to illegals. (WTF?) LET THAT SINK IN! (When did you get political?) (I’m tired of this shit, too!)

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One day many years ago, a fisherman’s wife blessed her husband with twin sons.
They loved the children very much, but couldn’t think of what to name their children.
Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, “Let’s not decide on names right now.  If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us.
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact.
When left alone, one of the boys would always turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland.
It didn’t matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. Let’s call the boys Towards and Away, suggested the fisherman.
His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong.  The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, “Boys, it’s time that you learned how to make a living from the sea.”
They provisioned their ship, said their good byes, and set sail for a three-month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman’s wife, yet the ship had not returned.
Another three months passed, and still no ship.
Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house.  She recognized him as her husband.
My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?” she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:
“We were just barely one whole day out to sea when Towards hooked into a great fish.
Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal.
For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship.
He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again.”
“Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish.  What a horrible, horrible fish!”
“Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away!”

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As the sun sets slowly in the west, and the Dragon sits, with a laptop on his lap and his head spinning slowly … almost drunkenly … without the benefit of alcoholic beverages … we slowly fade to black … until tomorrow my dear friends … until tomorrow.

Cheers. ~ Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Dragon Laffs #1767

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Good Morning Campers,

We’re going for three in a row!!!!  Woo Hoo!  Thank you guys for all your love and support.  It means so much to me, you have no idea.  As much as you guys get out of reading these ezines, I get out of writing them, but when you write to me and TELL me how much you get out of this, or how much it means to you … well … that just really lights me right up.  You really have no idea. 

blank dragon14

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We’re living in two Stephen King novels right now:   The Dead Zone and The Stand.  If Clowns show up, I’m done.  I’m just friggin’ done.

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My Conspiracy Theory is that time travel IS real and someone keeps trying to fix 2020 by changing something but every time they do, they unwittingly make it worse.  How else do you explain the sudden disappearance of murder hornets?  They saved us from those but at what cost?!?!

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They say that sex is the best form of exercise.  Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but 2 minutes and 15 seconds once every 3 months ain’t going to shift a beer belly.

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Now, did everyone get the sarcasm of the last three pictures?  Or do I have to be even MORE clear!!!!

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No shit! Do you think?  Who’d of guessed that outcome?  I would’ve never seen that coming!  (Is my sincerity bleeding through here or is it just sounding sarcastic?)  OF FUCKING COURSE IT DIDN’T WORK YOU JACK WADS!

Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger’s leg you can hear them saying, “What the fuck are you doing?!”

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KIDNAPPER:  Until the ransom is paid, you’ll be locked in this room with only a bed and the occasional tray of food.

ME:  [excitedly]:  OMG meals, sleep, AND silence??

KIDNAPPER: [glares]

ME:  I mean … oh nooooooooo …

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HER:  You wanna go upstairs?

ME:  Sure

HER:  You got protection?

ME:  W-why?  Who’s up there?

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I’m sorry I took my pants off at your gender reveal party.  I thought we were all participating.  My bad.

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College Football

No Matter What (2)

No Matter What

No Need

No objections here

no student

Nooooo

nope

noservice

Nosy Cops

Not what I meant

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Not_on_my_watch

Note to Self

Nothing

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Leah D sends us 2 comments … here’s the first one:

Leah D

I can now go to placed I NEED to go, like the Post Office, and the liquor store, because our Governor FINALLY ordered people to wear masks. Even then, I wait to go in until I am the only one inside. That’s the good news . . . the bad news is
Night after night, we have tried sleeping through the noise of big boom (so very expensive) fireworks. This morning the news is all a rush over a fire started by fireworks, and people being evacuated.
The year of living dangerously . . .

Okay, so I’m a guy and I like shit that blows up probably more so than most since I used to do it for a living, but my poor old doggie does NOT like the fireworks or the thunder that we’ve had lately and she’s driving me NUTS!  So, I understand exactly what you’re saying.  Mrs. Dragon keeps asking what the hell everyone has to be celebrating, but she doesn’t understand the pure joy of blowing shit up just for the joy of blowing shit up.

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I’m not originally a country boy, but I’ve been kinda adopted in … and they are just hoping the looting moves out to the country.  They are getting in between hunting seasons right now and need something to shoot at.

And here’s Leah D’s second comment:

Leah D.

The Houston Association of Realtors (HAR) is dropping the word “master” from bedroom and bathroom listings and replacing it with the word “primary,” according to KPRC.
Several HAR members called for the association to change the way it describes master bedrooms and master bathrooms due to the word “master,” which has been linked to sexism and slavery.
people respond;
why don’t we throw the dictionary out along with the constitution and history …. this is getting ridiculous people
So “Masters Degrees” will be next to go I guess.
What about “master cylinder” or “slave cylinder”?….we gonna fire all the mechanics that work on brake systems?
I guess then we must eliminate master carpenter, master electrician, masterpiece? Where does the stupidity end?
What am I gonna do with my master key
And my favorite: white bread will now be called “privilege loaf”.

We went through this shit a couple of years ago with the whole sexism thing when mailmen became letter carriers and the like.  But the word master?  ROFLMAO!  What in the world is next?  Although I really have to tell you, you really cracked me up with “Privilege Loaf”

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According to the Knight Rider News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the US Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.

The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as “Wash. Biol. Surv.”; until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

    Dear Sirs:

    While camping last week I shot one of your birds.  I think it was a
   crow.  I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and want to
   tell you it tasted horrible.

The bands are now marked “Fish & Wildlife Service.”

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So … let’s think about this … what is the next logical step to follow behind the dumb ass shit that has been going on?  We’ve had black lives matter riots and looting … so what is the next step?  Come on, this one should be easy.  Who should be the next player up on stage in the dumb ass clown parade?

Yup, the fucking KKK is dropping leaflets all over our local neighborhoods and the old base housing.  That’s all we fucking need.

And I am willing to bet, dollars to donuts, that the same people who are financing the riots from behind the scenes are also the ones who are pushing the KKK … from behind the scenes.

But, of course I have no proof.

And as far as I’m concerned … all of them … both sides … can go to hell and leave me alone.  This is all such bullshit.  Why is it that we just can’t help each other to get through life the best that we can.  Isn’t it hard enough as it is?  Why do we have to make it harder than it has to be?

Love to you all.  Let’s help each other make it through to the other side.  To hell with the rest of them.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 6 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1766

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Good Morning Campers!

It’s Saturday, Saturday!  Although God only knows when you guys will be reading this!  Hopefully on Sunday!

It’s Saturday Morning before work, I have an afternoon class, small one, so I’m going to work on this for a little bit, go teach my class and then come back.  Supposed to storm all day anyway so we’ll see what happens after that.  So what do you say we jump into the fun stuff and get right to it?

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Yeah … it’s really kinda embarrassing when us older guys try to pick up on those younger women … we tend to really make fools of ourselves.  Not that that stops us or nothing … but it is still embarrassing.

I HAD A LOT OF STUFF TO DO TODAY.

NOW I HAVE A LOT OF STUFF TO DO TOMORROW.

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[My first day as a crime scene investigator]

Detective:  How did this man drown?

Me:  He couldn’t breathe underwater.

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Me:  [whispers] “Don’t tell my wife I made bacon in the toaster.”

My Wife:  [getting out of the car] “What the hell happened!?

All 6 Firemen:  “He made bacon in the toaster.”

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Men have called me mad; but the question is not settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest of intelligence …~ Edgar Allan Poe  (1809 – 1849)

Only 40 years old when he left us … just think what he could have contributed had he stuck around.

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A belly button is basically a scar from when you got into a knife fight with a guy in a mask after being evicted from your first place.

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I’ve found that most banks are like that anyway.  Not mine.  I belong to a Credit Union and those guys are GREAT!!

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Got this fitness advice from Lynn …

Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet.  If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder, and cook at 350 degrees for 30 minutes.

I’m not sure Lynn … but isn’t that a recipe for chocolate cake?

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In the daily briefing for the weather the weather man suggested with 100% certainty that the forecast for the afternoon call for heavy rains.
Assistant: “Are you positive, sir?”
Weatherman: “Yes indeed. I’ve lost my umbrella, I got my car washed on the way in, I’m going golfing, and my wife’s giving a lawn party.”

I’d go with 100% certainty as well!

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If I had a dollar for every time I didn’t know what was going on, I’d be like, why am I always getting all this money?

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When I was told I was having a girl, I couldn’t wait until we could sit together bonding while I brushed her hair and gave her cute little hair styles … turns out it’s less of a cute, bonding moment and more like a priest trying to perform an exorcism. 

When I read the above to Mrs. Dragon she just rolled her eyes and said that she remembered doing anything like that with Izzy … the baths and the washing of the hair and then I remembered the screams … and how I thought one or the other of them was being drowned or disemboweled … so yeah.

I have to say, that this next one … I love.  I love the whole idea of …

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When I showed it to Izzy, she thought it was more appropriate for Gen Z (which is her generation) (and which kinda made me proud) but you know, thinking about the physics and the engineering of this whole thing, it would heat up, probably pretty quickly, and depending on what it’s made of, you may even be able to get it to melt inside the kid’s nose!  I think that would be friggin’ awesome!!!  Yup, I REALLY like this picture!  No matter which generation you are trying to jump start!

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The most astute thing I think I’ve read all week …

There are two types of tired:  one that requires rest, and one that requires peace.  ~ unknown

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I’m at the place in my life where errands count as “Going Out”

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I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can not handle their alcohol.  Last night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.

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You have no friggin’ idea how badass he was.

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We’re deeply into the N’s and we’re going to see a lot of Ninjas today …

Nice Rack

nice try

Night light

Night Vision

Ninja Convention

Ninja Dogs

Ninja Kitten

Ninja Roo

Ninja

Ninjas with guns

ninjas

Ninjas2

Ninjas3

ninjas4

nipples

It’s a strange male infantile reaction, but yes … yes they do make us happy.

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This one is from Aussie Peter … Not sure really what kind of day he’s having … 

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $300 to a poor guy.  You wouldn’t believe the immense happiness and relief I felt as he slid the pistol back into his waistband.

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Just been to Pick n Pay and watched someone buy all the mussels, crabs, prawns, and crayfish and I thought, “You shellfish bastard!!”

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There are two rules in life:

1.  Never give out all the information

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Human Logic:

Cut down the trees

Make paper with the trees

Write on the paper “SAVE THE TREES”

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Mail Call 2

 

Danny

Thanks again for all the good stuff. Your page rocks.

Thanks Danny, I deeply appreciate your comments…they mean a lot.  Cheers.

 

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Subtle, very subtle … or not.

Are we purchasing school clothes or more alcohol in August?

Asking for a friend.

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Okay kids, this is starting to get stupid now.  Can we still order black coffee?  Are brownies being taken off the shelf?  Is White Castle changing its name?  I’m sure Cracker Barrel is screwed!  Can we still play Chinese Checkers?  Is it still called an Indian Burn?  What about an Italian Sausage, are they gone now?  Damn, I really like them.  How about Polish Sausage?  But, we can call those Kielbasa.  How far are we going to go with this foolishness?  Are French Fries no longer French Fries?  We called them Freedom Fries for awhile, but that was for a different reason.  What about White Out, but I’ll bet you like that name.  How about Black Beans, Black Tea, or Black Eyed Peas? 

Can someone still be black balled?  Black listed?  How about writing a white paper?  What about using a black light?  Although that’s an ultra-violet light, I suppose we could say that, instead.  Can I order a Black Russian when I go to the bar?  Oh shit, what are we going to call the shopping day on the day after Thanksgiving?  We can’t call it Black Friday anymore … and what about all the January White Sales?  Are we still allowed to have Black History Month?  But, can’t we just have all inclusive History Month?

ARE WE TIRED OF THE STUPID SHIT YET?  Let me try this again …

ARE WE TIRED OF THIS STUPID SHIT YET?!?! 

These are fucking words … and if you are going to get yourselves wrapped around the axle over something so damn dumb, like the name of an ice cream bar, then you don’t have a life to begin with.

And I’m the Impish Dragon and those are my thoughts!

Cheers!

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Dragon Laffs #1765

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Good Morning Campers,

Playing Darts tonight … Thursday … so trying to put together a fast issue to make you guys laugh, give you guys a giggle and make me not feel guilty for not speaking to you for a few days.

Man, I miss you guys SO MUCH!!!!!!

So, let’s laugh!

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I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

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Chicago and NYC saw a wave of violence over Father’s Day weekend.

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I don’t know if this next is true or not, but when I read to Mrs. Dragon all she did was laugh maniacally … so … there’s that …

Women don’t want to look like Bond girls.  Women want to look like spectral figures coming out of the fog with their pack of wolves, leaves and feathers twisted in their hair, moss growing on their clothes, destructive magic pulsing at their fingertips.

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Did You Know:  (Nope.  I didn’t know that.)  (I haven’t said anything yet)  (Oh, sorry, proceed)  (I’m not sure I want to, now …)  (Okay, what’s next?)    (Sigh)  Although he created more than 900 paintings, Van Gogh sold only one during his life time.  (Nope.  I didn’t know that.)  (Oh, shut up.)

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Yeah, don’t you forget it!

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After sex last night, my girlfriend snuggled up next to me and said, “You know, you are by far the biggest I’ve ever had.”

Apparently, “Ditto” is not the polite response.

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This has GOT to be my next T-Shirt!!!

Thanks to Bill E. for this simple explanation of static electricity made especially for the guys in the audience …

Just the other day a friend and I were walking through the Pro shop at a local golf course when he touched the door knob and got shocked by static electricity. 


He turns to me and says,” Damn, I wish someone would explain that damned static electricity to me.” 


(So I did: and here is my explanation – especially for my non-engineering friends .. .. .) 

Static electricity is an imbalance of electric charges within or on the surface of a material.  The charge remains until it is able to move away by means of an electric current or electrical discharge. For modeling the effect of static discharge on sensitive electronic devices, a human being is represented as a capacitor of 100 Pico farads, charged to a voltage of 4,000 to 35,000 volts.  When the human touches an object, this energy is discharged in less than a microsecond:

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Are you still having a little trouble understanding this? If so, the next photo may help.

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Thanks Bill, that helped a GREAT deal.

breaking-news

  Breaking News:  School drops Cougars as team name because it might offend older women.

 

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Yeah, probably gonna want this shirt, too.

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I’m not sure I could go to the bathroom here without laughing my fool head off!

“Are you free tomorrow?”

“No, I’m expensive every day.”

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Go to  the animal shelter for a dog and you’re a saint … go to the women’s shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind.

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I don’t know who he is, but I love this guy!  And you know he got caught, or we wouldn’t be hearing about it, but I still love this guy!

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Tonight I’m gonna have possum soup made from Himalayan possum, because I found Himalayan on the road.

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I watched my first porno the other day …

… I looked so young the other day.

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I feel so sorry for people who don’t have dogs.  I hear they have to pick up their own food if they drop it on the floor.

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Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous.

Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.

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So, looking back, I wasn’t able to send this out yesterday like I wanted … just not enough time in the day … my apologies.  So, you’ll get this on Saturday now.  And I’m sad because of it.

Busy week, trying to get ready for the weekend, of which I’m teaching on Saturday.  Sigh.

I got this from Pat C. 

It’s only been 5 days and I’m having withdrawal pains already. Had to go back and re-read old issues! You spoiled  everyone!

My reply was, “I know.  I’m so sorry!”

Dang, guys!

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neckstand

The more painful alternative

Neighbors Wife

neoconservatism

Neon Signs

Nepotism

nerd girls

There’s something about the glasses …

Nerds

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Never Forget

Never judge a book

Never Mind Why20 (2)

New Fruit Piercing Bullets

Newest Virus

News Readers

Yes … yes they do.

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Did You Know: … (Nothing to say?) … (No snide opening remarks?) … (I’m just waiting, go on) (I don’t know if I can do it now) ahem … In 1897, the state of Indiana nearly passed a bill that would have redefined the value of Pi as 3.2. … (oh geez, even I can’t put up with that one) (See?  And you thought it was just me!)

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(Indiana …) (I know, right?  And I live here!)

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My brain says, “Let’s do something exciting today.”

My body says, “Don’t listen to that fool.”

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Okay, that’s it … I gotta get some sleep.  More tomorrow either before work, after work or both … probably both … hopefully both … better be both.

Love you guys.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

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