The Coke header is there for a reason! See, I had been taking this medicine that makes all carbonated beverages taste like metal. Well, my doctor allowed me to come off that medicine because the reason I was taking it is no longer valid. (That’s a long story we’re not going to get into.) So I haven’t had a diet Coke in like 10 years…or MORE! Well, I’ve had two of them over the last two days. Man, I’ve missed these. LOL.

But, enough about me. Let’s talk about laffs!

A 75 year old man goes in for his physical. After running a few tests, the doctor looks over his chart, smiles, and says, “Well, everything looks fantastic! Your blood pressure is great, your heart is strong, and you’re in excellent shape, even for a man half your age. Out of curiosity, what’s your secret? How do you stay so healthy?”

The man grins and says, “It’s simple, Doc. I attribute it all to my outdoor lifestyle. My wife and I made a solemn vow when we got married forty years ago: whenever we get into an argument, whoever turns out to be wrong has to go outside and walk five miles.”

The doctor laughs. “That’s a clever agreement! But how does that explain your great health?”

The man looks the doctor dead in the eye and says:

“Doc, I’ve been living outdoors for forty years.”

Damn!  I think I married her, once.

I notice you CHANGED it to Bob.

Louisiana, New Orleans

Snakes are not allowed within 200 yards of the Mardi Gras parade route

OH PLEASE!  We have no idea how good we have it here in America. I don’t care what color you are!  If you don’t like your circumstances, stop  being a whinny little baby and do something to change them.  Grow up, act like adults and stopping blaming all your problems on someone or something else. Take responsibility for yourself. In other words, GROW UP!

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. 

He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.

He inquired of the tour guide, “Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?” 

“No,” replied the guide. “It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.” 

“Never heard of him. What did he write?”

“A cheque”, replied the guide.

Joe sent us a little letter about his family…

Impish,

My grandfather did not believe in eating bananas. 

He said that by the time you skinned it and threw

the bone away, you didn’t have anything left!

I don’t know why we are here, but I’m pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves. 

– Ludwig Wittgenstein (1889-1951)

One of the greatest oldies I’ve ever read.  I like to repeat this one every time it comes around. Thanks, Joe!

Dear Sir;

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. 

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. 

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs. 
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. 

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form. 

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. 

At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. 

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. 
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. 

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope. 

And that’s it for this one. I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did.  Until next time.

Thursday…came home early from work cause I’m not feeling well. So, I’m spending the afternoon with my comfort group…you guys.

So, let’s get back into celebrating Halloween and have some fun.

Of course you did! You can’t tame a dragon!

Look what I saw the other day. How about a close up!

Beautiful! With blood and guts on his beak!

This pretty much describes me almost every single work day.

Now, that’s one I’d watch on Live Stream!

Minnesota Law

All bathtubs must have feet.

He really does not look happy to be having his picture taken.

It may take a minute, but you’ll work it out.

A group of golfers were telling tall stories. 

At last came the veteran’s turn. 

“Well,” he said, “I once drove a ball, accidentally of course, through a cottage window. The ball knocked over an oil lamp and the place caught on fire!” 

“What did you do?” asked his friends.

“Oh,” said the veteran, “I immediately teed another ball, took careful aim, and hit the fire alarm on Main Street. That brought out the fire engines before any major damage was done.” 

“I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.” 

Galileo Galilei (1564-1642)

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newly-weds do, time and time again, all night long.

Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.  He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.  

When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, “What’s that?” pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, “Well, that’s what we had so much fun with last night.” 

And she, in amazement, asked, “Is that all we have left?” 

I don’t know anything about music. In my line you don’t have to.

-Elvis Presley (1935-1977)

And that’s it my brothers and sisters, friends, and family. You’ll have to excuse me. I have a library to get to.  Be well, be happy, be loved.

Well, it’s October and I just checked my Halloween folder and I have like a gazillion memes.  So, starting today and running through the 31st, I’ll be throwing some Halloween flavor in each issue. To help those of you who celebrate this holiday to enjoy.

In other news … I don’t have any other news. So, let’s jump in.

Massachusetts  Law

Bullets may not be used as currency.

Aussie Pete, you sure send me an awful lot of these “Meanwhile in Australia” Memes.

And no, that’s not a challenge!

A pompous Baptist minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. 

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. 

The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. 

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. 

He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips.” 

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me too. I didn’t know we had a choice.” 

This is getting out of hand.

Okay, I see what you did there.

There was a blonde who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. 

She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: “I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 AM. Signed, The Blonde.” 

She pinned the note inside the boy’s jacket and told him to go straight home. 

The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. 

Also inside the bag was the following note:

“Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!”

Three absent-minded professors were talking together in a bus terminal.  

They got so engrossed in what they were saying that they didn’t notice the bus had pulled in. 

As the driver sang out,”All aboard,” they looked up startled and dashed from the platform.  

Two of them managed to hop on the bus, but the third didn’t make it. 

As he stood sadly watching the bus disappear into the distance, a stranger tried to cheer him up, saying, “You shouldn’t feel too bad.  

Two out of three made it, and that’s a pretty good average.” 

The professor shook his head.  “But THEY came to see ME off.” 

What do you mean, “Used To”?

Visiting St Patrick’s Cathedral on a tour of New York City, my daughter and her children were awed by the sight. 

The kids were especially curious about the votive candles, so my daughter asked if they’d each like to light one. 

She explained that is it customary to say a prayer of petition or thanks, and she was careful to tell them that these are not like birthday candles. 

“Do you have any questions?” she asked.

“No,” said the 5-year-old, “but if there’s a pony outside, it’s mine.” 

Joe as poet:

An astronomer slept in the sun, 
Then woke with his fly quite undone. 
He remarked, with a smile, 
“Hoorah! A sundial! 
And it’s now a quarter past one.”

Oh come on! What are they?

And that’s it for this one my friends. A little short, but I ran out of time. Hope you enjoyed it anyway. My love to you all!

Well, it’s still Friday and I JUST finished the last episode and knowing that it’s going to be a busy weekend, thought I’d jump right in on Monday’s. 

I hope everybody had a GREAT weekend. Not sure what I’ve got going this weekend, but I’m sure it will be something.

Got a comment from Leah on one of the videos that was in a previous issue.

Thanks for the video about gas prices, etc. back in the70’s. My kids/grandkids are always saying how we had it so easy. I remember I had to rush to Salt Lake to attend a dying family member. When I was ready to leave that night, I was told there were only two gas stations open in all of Salt Lake City.

We had it easy in the 70’s?!?! Oh, I so beg to differ you spoiled rotten generation, you!  You have it so much easier than we did. Now, life was more laid back, back then. But easier, I hardly think so.

I remember the long lines at the gas stations and in New Jersey at the time, you could only get gas depending on your license plate. If it ended in an odd number you could only buy gas on odd days and if it ended in an even number, on even days. And the 31st of the month was either closed or anyone could get gas, depending on the station.

Anyway, shortly thereafter I joined the Air Force and it didn’t matter to me anymore ’cause I wasn’t driving anywhere!

Now, whadda you say we jump right into the funny stuff, shall we?

63 Doctors share their “Dumbest Patient Ever” stories

Some pretty funny stuff. Click HERE to read along.

And it’s happening all around us!

The firefighters pulled up to the local pub, flames already billowing out of the front windows and smoke pouring into the night sky. Charging through the entrance, they found a lone Irishman sitting calmly at the bar, nursing a half-empty pint of Guinness as if it were a quiet Tuesday evening.

One of the firefighter grabbed him, hoisted him on his arms, and dragged him out into the fresh air just as the front window shattered.

As he caught his breath on the curb, the lead fireman looked at him in disbelief and demanded, “What on earth happened in there? How did the fire start?”

The Irishman wiped a bit of foam from his upper lip, looked back at the inferno, and shrugged. “I don’t know,” he said. “It was on fire when I went in.”

And don’t forget, there’s probably a knife, screwdriver, or some other tool in one or more of his pockets.

It’s easy to identify people who can’t count to ten.

They’re in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

Louisiana Law

Rituals that involve the ingestion of blood, urine, or fecal matter are not allowed. 

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good law on the face of it, and I think I kind of get it with the Voodoo that went on down that way for a while, but was it really necessary to put that to law?

RIGHT?! I know EXACTLY what you mean!!!

A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing. 

“Officer,” he asks, “have you seen a man run by here? 

“No I haven’t. What’s the problem?”

“The rotten bastard ran out of my shop without paying me!” 

“This fellow,” the officer asks, “does he have any distinguishing features?” 

“Well, yes,” the barber replies. “He’s carrying one of his ears in his hand.” 

Answer below…and I’ll admit, I had no idea what it was.

Okay, that’s far enough… and we have Steve H. to thank for this one…

It’s string to tie pastry boxes, good old days

Pat O’Leary left Cork for Philadelphia where he found a job on a building site. When payday rolled around Pat went out on the town, got drunk as a goat and spent the night with a prostitute. The following day (Saturday) Pat decided to go to confession and tell all. When the priest heard his confession he told Pat to say twenty Our Fathers, twenty Hail Marys, and twenty decades of the Rosary and to put $20 in the poor box. 

Two weeks later Pat’s mate, Rory O’Brien, told Pat he was leaving for San Francisco because there was tons of work there and the money to be made was more than twice what could be made in Philly. After a little coaxing Pat decides to go with Rory. 

At the end of his first week on his new job Pat’s wages were more than double anything he’d made before. Off he goes for a night on the town. Gets drunk as a lord and spends the night with a prostitute. Come morning remorse sets in and Pat goes to Mission Dolores for confession. After hearing Pat’s confession the priest tells him to say a couple of Our Father’s and drop a dollar in the poor box. 

“But, Father. I did the same thing in Philly and had to say twenty Ourfathers, twenty Hail Marys, twenty decades of the Rosary and I had to fork over $20.” 

“Ah, sure,” the priest responded, “what do they know aboout drinkin’ andfuckin ‘ in Philadelphia.” 

Like the headline that Izzy just read me: 

Alleged child molester tried to contact victims from jail.

This one’s from Joe…I wondered why he had a black eye.  Now I understand…

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present. 

“Oh, I don’t know,” she said. “Just give me something with diamonds.” 

That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

And that’s it my friends. I hope you enjoyed this one as much as I did. Until next time, I pray that God Blesses you all with Love and Happiness, Comfort and Security. My love to you all.

I can’t believe that it is October already. Time is just flying by. It is ridiculous how fast it is going. Another 3 day weekend that just blinked and disappeared. Back to work tomorrow, Tuesday. I have no idea, at this point, what day it is for you, but whatever day it is, I hope it’s a good one. Now, let’s see if we can make it a little better…

Absolutely adorable!

Amateur! 

It has been said that Adam and Eve had the only perfect marriage. 

That was because he didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married; and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked!” 

I can feel that so much it makes my legs tingle.

Well, she did what you asked.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. 

– Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

All     The     TIME!!

Minnesota Law

A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head.

I’m sure at some point in time there was a perfectly logically explanation for this law … never mind, I take that back. There couldn’t possibly be. Now, I just want to know … WHY!?

Well, dang! I didn’t know that! Those bums copied my front gate!

Nope, someone’s going to have to help me with this one. I don’t get it.

Little Johnny was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He’d been playing outside for a while when he came into the house and asked her. . .

“Grandma, what is it called when people are sleeping on top of each other?”  

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.  

It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.” 

Little  Johnny just said, OK” and went back outside to play.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse!  It’s called bunk beds!” 

Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven: (Luke 6:37)

You may recognize it from Christ’s sermon called “The Beatitudes”. 

A guy walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey, buddy, if you can think of a good name for this bar, I’ll give you a free beer.” 

So the guy goes outside and tries to think of a name. 

A beautiful lady walks by and he asks her her name. 

“Sarah,” she says. 

He looks at her incredible legs and realizes “Sarah’s Legs” would make a great name for the bar. 

He goes back inside and tells this story to the bartender, who immediately agrees and renames the bar “Sarah’s Legs.” 

The next day, the guy is sitting outside the same bar when a lady walks by and asks, “What are you doing out here, handsome?” 

“Oh, he answers, “I’m just waiting for Sarah’s Legs to open so I can have a couple of quick ones.” 

I don’t remember ever having one, but I know what it is.

It’s actually a really good idea.

That’s it for this … and just in time, too. It goes out tonight. Been a long week of getting things done.  May you be blessed with Love and Happiness until we meet again.