It’s Monday. And I’ve got a little time to spend with you guys so I want and need a little fun time! 

I need to take some time off.

Truly I do.

I just had the weekend off and it just blurted by like an afternoon. Not even like an afternoon, more like a long lunch.

I need some REAL time off. I need to friggin’ retire. It can’t happen soon enough.

But, I’m not going to go on about it.  Instead…

I laughed so hard at this one. There have been so many captions to this picture, but this one is by far the very best.

One of the best signs in a gun shop I’ve ever seen.

You mean, kind of like right now?  If you can’t see the beginning “birth pangs” you aren’t paying attention.

There is no such thing in anyone’s life as an unimportant day.

Alexander Humphreys Woollcott (1887 – 1943)

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.

-Lao-Tzu (Traditionaly the 6th century BC.)

Probably a bad idea, but we did it anyway.

Absolutely THE BEST!!!

Illinois, Des Plaines Law

Wheelbarrows with For-Sale signs may not be chained to trees.

On the first day of the school term the shop teacher was surprised to see a rather proper-looking young lady sitting in the front row of his classroom. Her name was Emily and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodwork class. 

The bemused teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the right class. Emily assured him that she was. 

The teacher, still somewhat puzzled, added, “This course may be a bit out of your league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools?” 

“What exactly do you mean?” Emily asked. 

“Well, for example, do you know the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?” the teacher expounded. 

After pondering for a moment, Emily admitted, “I can’t really say, since I’ve never been ‘bolted’ before.” 

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her — how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. 
 
When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. 
 
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She s aid, “I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.” The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river. 
 
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right.” And while the son tried his best (seven times), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. 
 
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. “I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.” The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?” 
 
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?” And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, “Why not THIRTY times in a row?” Finally, she said, “Enough Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.” Then the young son asked, “Wait, how do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?” 

I’ll admit that I didn’t see that one coming.

Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother. 

-Kenneth Arthur Dodd OBE (1927 -2018 )

Alright, I’ll say it…You’re doing that wrong.

That’s it my friends. The conclusion of another great episode. Until next time, may God bless us all with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

Well, our SAPC (Substance Abuse Prevention Council) annual event today was a bit of a bust because of weather.

But, that has allowed me to spend some time with you guys while I wait for Holly to finish babysitting her grands.

So, let’s make the most of our time together and…

Yeah…um…that’s just wrong.

This next one is from Lynn that she sends with a heavy heart…

I am selling all of my many hobby items as I no longer have the desire to do anything with them.

Life gets that way sometimes. Having hobbies presents a lot of work for very little recognition. I am extremely tired….. exhausted actually.

Please don’t ask any questions. I can’t handle talking about it anymore!

Only serious inquiries, please……

Below is the list of items that I have available.

1. Broom and dustpan

2. Sponges

3. Dusters

4. Mop & Bucket

5. Window Cleaner

6. Vacuum

7. Soap (laundry, dish, you name it)

8. Fabric softener

9. Bin bags

10. Toilet brush

Please respond if interested.

Everyone needs a little humor in their lives!

Did you know most problems in midlife can be solved with water…

Headache? Drink Water
Want better skin? Drink Water
Constipated? Drink Water
Someone annoying you? Drown them

Four beer company CEOs walk into a bar.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The other three look at him and ask, “Why did you order a Coke?”

The CEO of Guinness replied, “Well, I figured if you three weren’t ordering beer, it would be rude if I did.”

Happiness: a good bank account, a good cook and a good digestion. 

Jean Jacques Rousseau (1712 – 1778)

That’s it for this one my friends. I hope you enjoyed spending time with me as much as I enjoyed spending time with you. Until next time. My love to you all.

It’s Friday and I have like no time. It’s been a jam packed week for me and I’m going to try to get as much done for you guys as I can before I have to take Pepper to the vet. She’s fine, it’s just an annual visit. But for me, time is crazy! I have a gazillion emails to get to, which I’ll have to try to get to over the weekend, but this issue HAS to come first, so let’s go!!

Boy, ain’t that the TRUTH!

Massachusetts  Laws

All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday.

QUOTES FROM WORK

Quote from a recent meeting: ‘We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done’. 

Quote from the Boss… ‘I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.’ 

A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves. 

A direct quote from the Boss: ‘We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired.’ 

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That’s because it’s unfamiliar territory. 

My Boss said to me ‘ What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.’ 

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain. 

I thought my Boss was a bastard, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is a bastard, too … but at least I respect him. 

He’s given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE. 

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it. 

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: ‘ I’m sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!’ 

HR Manager to job candidate ‘I see you’ve had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you’re under-qualified for our entry level positions. 

‘Quote from telephone inquiry ‘We’re only hiring one summer intern this year and we won’t start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss’ daughter finishes her summer classes.’ 

I asked my three-year-old to take his dirty clothes and put them into the hamper. 

He looked puzzled, and I explained, “You know; it’s the place where we put our dirty clothes before they’re washed.” 

My son picked up his things, trotted into my bedroom, and threw his clothes on the floor…on his dad’s side of the bed. 

A short note from Joe:

Impish,

My opinion,

As long as people are buying coffee at Starbucks, there’s nothing wrong with our economy. 

     …Joe

Joe,

I agree.

…Impish

And to follow Him!

And that’s it. That’s got to be the fastest issue I’ve ever put together. Enjoy!

Well, it’s Monday and I’m not sure when this is going out.

Standby, let me check…

Okay, this is Thursday’s episode…which is bad, because as busy as this week is I may not have much time to do a complete one, so let’s jump right into it, shall we?

 

I mean … I really don’t have much of a personal nature to say, anyway, other than a HUGE thank you to Alan F for the donation! We’re not calling it late since it was mailed all the way from the Netherlands…although I’m gonna have to find someplace to convert Euros to dollars in this little bitty town of mine.

But it’s all good. Thank you Alan! Last year I sold it to my deputy who was on his way to that part of the world and it worked out great. Sadly, right now, he’s already IN that part of the world and is not likely to come back for a time.  Poor guy has been gone more than he’s been home. Pray for him and for all of our men and women who are there right now.

Yes, I know it’s a little spicey on the language, but it is also VERY TRUE!

Yup!

Just one thing? 

Snort speed.

And His pronouns are always capitalized.

The Moore family was proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. 

Their line had included senators, pastors, and Wall Street wizards, and a few major league baseball players and Army generals. They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for the children. 

They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose: how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair. 

But the author said not to worry, he could handle that section of history tactfully. 

When the book appeared, the family turned to the section on Uncle George. 

There, they read, “George Moore occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution and was attached to his position by the strongest of ties. 

His death came as a real shock.”

Worth writing down!

Oh so very true!

If the African yak spins in circles till it gets dizzy, is that called an afro-dizzy-yak?

Okay, right here is the PERFECT place to post this next piece sent in by Lynn.

And now hear the rest of the story…

My neighbor bragged to me that her son is a genius. 

His teacher said to him,

 “I can’t teach you anything.” 

Michigan Laws

A state law stipulates that a woman’s hair legally belongs to her husband. 

 

THE doctor purses his lips, looks at you pityingly over his half-moon spectacles and quietly writes something on his clipboard, something short, sharp and authoritative. 

He turns away to answer the phone and you seize the diversion to sneak a look at your case notes. He has written: “Plumbum oscillans.”

What disease can this be? It sounds contagious… maybe even fatal… Is it time to phone friends and family and say farewell? Is your will up to date?


Relax.


Plumbum oscillans is no threat to health – it is Latin for “swinging  the lead,” and it is the doctor’s discreet way of concluding that you are a malingerer, someone seeking a sick note to take time off work.

These and other terms are part of a secret language, indecipherable to outsiders, that doctors use with each other to convey a truth that is otherwise unsay-able, especially to the patient.

The slang can be cruel, insulting and highly inventive, says Adam Fox, a specialist registrar at the Child Allergy Unit at St. Mary’s Hospital in London, who has put together a dictionary of the terms. 


They include British emergency-room acronyms such as UBI (for “Unexplained Beer Injury”), PAFO (“Pissed And Fell Over”) and ATFO (“Asked To F… Off”), not to mention Code Brown, referring to a  faecal incontinence emergency.

Then there is DBI, for “Dirtbag Index.” This is a formula which  multiplies the number of tattoos on the patient’s body by the number of missing teeth to estimate the total of days he has gone without a bath.

Relatives of patients on the critical list may blanche if they knew what CTD, GPO or Rule of Five mean on their loved-one’s records.

The first means “Circling The Drain,” the second signifies “Good for Parts Only” and “Rule of Five” means that if more than five of the patient’s orifices are obscured by tubing, he has no chance. 

A patient who is “giving the O-sign” is very sick, lying with his mouth open. This is followed by the “Q-sign” — when the tongue hangs out of the mouth — when the patient becomes terminal.

General practitioners may use LOBNH (“Lights On But Nobody Home”) or  the impressively bogus Oligoneuronal to mean someone who is thick. 

But they also have a somewhat poetic option: “Pumpkin positive”,  referring to the idea that the person’s brain is so tiny that a penlight shone into his mouth will make his empty head gleam like a Halloween pumpkin.

If a doctor is stumped for what is wrong with his or her patient, they may record GOK, for “God Only Knows.”

As for genetic quirks or inbreeding, FLK means “Funny Looking Kid”  and NFN signifies “Normal For Norfolk,” a rural English county. 

Fox says he has a list of more than 200 terms used by medical practitioners in Britain but his collection shows that doctors around the world make up their own versions.

In Brazil, for instance, physicians use the acronym PIMBA for what can be translated as “swollen-footed, drunk, run-over beggar.” 

Fox agrees that some terms are offensive and even cause confusion to other doctors who are not in the know.

But he asks at least for critics to understand the stress that doctors face every day. And in any case, the colourful language is under threat of dying out because of fears of lawsuits.

“The use of medical slang helps to depersonalise the distress encountered in doctors’ everyway working lives,” Fox told the British Medical Journal (BMJ) last year.

“It is a way of detaching and distancing oneself from patients’ distress through loss, grief, disease, dying and death. Often someone else’s pain is too much for us, so we cut up…”

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

– Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

And that’s it!  We did it. I’m gonna be missing a lot of sleep and this is not quite as long as usual, but we still did it. Until next time my loved ones!

Okay, so I just realized that I missed a couple of things. 

The 25th Anniversary of 911 last Friday.  Not that it’s a big deal to me to remember the death and destruction that happened on that day, because all it does is piss me the hell off. That 25 years later we’re still fighting the same … 

See. Never mind.  

It is worth recognizing the amazing heroics of the men and women who responded that day and the lives that were lost. I’m sorry that I missed it. I missed it mostly because I’ve been trying to do these issues so far in advance.

The other thing I missed was Izzy Dragon’s birthday, which was the day before 911. I didn’t miss it in real life, but mentioning it here. I will say we had a nice day … couple of days really.

I’m actually writing this from the afternoon of her birthday. She’s upstairs playing with her new stuff and I’m getting ready to go to FBI soon, which is what reminded me that tomorrow is the anniversary of 911 and this episode that I’m writing right now is for Monday.

So be it. Time travel back-firing on me.

So, in the meantime, let’s go and get our laughter on, shall we?

(Added note … I just put something together for 911 that didn’t piss me off…although it did piss me off.)

I know…makes perfect sense. Now, 

So much truth in that and the people doing the voting are too damn stupid to realize it! Or they are part of the problem.  I see another revolution coming, call me a prophet.

A 66-year-old husband named Bob is taking a quiet afternoon stroll through a cemetery when he comes across an elderly man sitting on a stone bench, weeping uncontrollably in front of a headstone.

Bob, being a kind-hearted soul, walks over, places a hand on the man’s shoulder, and asks softly, “I’m so sorry for your loss, friend. Who is buried here that brings you such deep sorrow?”

The man wipes away a tear, looks up, and sobbed, “My wife’s first husband!”

Bob nods sympathetically, assuming it’s a complicated family history. “Ah, I see. A tragic loss, was he?”

The man blows his nose into a handkerchief, shakes his head bitterly, and cries out:

“I never even met the guy… but I’ve been suffering for thirty years because of how perfect he apparently was!”

Seems this hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other. 

He stopped a man on the street, saying to him: “Here, friend, take a drink outta my jug.”

The man protested, saying he never drank.

Unimpressed, the hillbilly leveled his shotgun at the stranger and commanded: “Drink!”

The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed.

“God! That’s awful stuff!”

“Ain’t it, though?” replied the hillbilly.

“Now here, you hold the gun on me while I take a swig.”

This was sent to me as a video that I can’t copy over so I’m going to transcribe it for you.

Islam has a problem with gays, democracy, bacon, dogs, music, Christmas, Hindus, Jews, Buddhists, Christians, women who show their hair, people who leave their religion, and even people who draw pictures of their prophet, who by the way, married a six-year-old (and consummated that marriage when she was nine). But if I have a problem with Islam, for some reason, I’m an Islamophobe.

And they want to come to OUR country, expect US to change, and want to enact Sharia Law. Do none of the left-wing blind turnips out there realize the insanity in all of this?

A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane. After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork? ” 

The rabbi responds, “Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.” 

The priest then asks, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

To which the rabbi replies, “Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.” 

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?” 

The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.” 

The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?” 

The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.” 

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said,  “Beats a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?” 

It’s our job to lead people to Jesus as our Lord and Savior through our words, actions, and deeds. That’s our job, folks.

Massachusetts, Newton Law

All families must be given a hog from the town’s mayor.

There was a major sale at Victoria’s Secret and Joe wanted to get his wife some really sexy lingerie.  
The store was packed with women for this big sale and before he knew it, Joe was pushed and shoved by frantic women all trying to get at the merchandise.  

Joe remained calm for as long as he could, then bowed his head and pushed hard and effectively and ploughed through the crowd of women. 

“Hey you!”, an angry female voice yelled out at him, “Try acting like a gentleman!”. 

“That’s what I HAVE BEEN doing,” Joe retorted, “But since that isn’t working out for me, I’m gonna now act like you ladies!” 

And that’s it my friends. Until next time.