Dragon Laffs #1578

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Good Morning Campers,

Welcome to Saturday!  The best day of the week!

Why is Saturday the best day of the week?

I’m glad you asked.  Saturday is the best day of the week for many, many reasons.  First of all, most of us have Saturday off work, so that’s a great thing.  B. Saturday is is a great day because

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It wouldn’t be Christmas time without this holiday classic:

Company Memo

FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All Employees
DATE:    November 1, 2012
RE:       Gala Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!  We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols… feel free to sing along.  And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.  Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. 

This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All Employees
DATE:    November 2, 20102
RE:       Gala  Holiday  Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.  We recognize that  Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. 

However, from now on,  we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.”  The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. 

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.

We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:        All Employees
DATE:   November 3, 2012
RE:         Holiday  Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name… 

I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that  reads, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore.  How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty 

Company Memo

FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To:        All Employees
DATE:   November 4, 2012
RE:        Generic  Holiday  Party

What a diverse group we are!  I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. 

There goes the party!  Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs.  Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.  Will that work?

Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other.  Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms.  Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food .  The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh “low sugar” fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply “no sugar” desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

Company Memo

FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All Fucking Employees
DATE:    November  5, 2012
RE:         The Fucking Holiday Party

I’ve had it with you vegetarian pricks!!!  We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. 

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.  They scream when you slice them.  I’ve heard them scream.  I’m hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you fucking wierdos can kiss my ass.  I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from Hell!!!

Company Memo

FROM:  Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE:   November  6, 2012
RE:       Patty Lewis and  Holiday  Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Whatever!

Joan

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Yeah, that’s not gonna work out the way you think it will.

This is a pretty cool website that Ginny sent in.  I’ll try and let you know how accurate I think it is.  How much snow will I get?  https://howmuchwillitsnow.com/

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A dear friend was kind enough to send this to me. Most of us should be able to adapt to this concept.    
 
This Buddhist concept is a little deep for me, but some of you will be able to adapt the concept to your circumstances and achieve your own inner peace.  

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I don’t understand why people say hurtful things like, “Want to go for a run?” or “Try this kale.”

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This kid is good…really, really good.

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Been without my computer all week because of work, so I’m just finishing this up and sending it right out.

Sorry folks.

Impish

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Dragon Laffs #1577

funnies only

Good Morning Campers,

So, I had Sunday off and slept almost the whole day.  When I wasn’t sleeping, I was reading, watching TV and just…relaxing.  It was GREAT!  But, it wasn’t enough, lol.  So, I took a vacation day today, Monday and I’m going to take today and try to get caught up on the over 1000 (yes, you read that right) e-mails that I haven’t even had a chance to look at since like Thanksgiving.

Ah well, life…right?

So, let’s get some laughs in while I comb through the emails.

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Yeah, and most of us are made up of stronger stuff than that.

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ROFLMAO!  Ain’t that the truth.  Right now Izzy Dragon and Mrs. Dragon are in a battle over the toilet roll.  Izzy knows that it drives her mom INSANE to see an empty toilet roll and Izzy has been doing her best to not leave it empty, but with like 5 or 6 squares left on it.  It’s great fun to watch, but there ain’t no WAY I’m getting involved. 

Wheats

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My buddy Wheats has sent me a bunch of pictures that he has PhotoShopped, but he doesn’t use PhotoShop.  He says he uses some older program that he’s had for a long time.  I am so very impressed with his work.  I too, do my share of photo manipulation and I’ve thought I was pretty good, but Wheats is really talented.  I’ll be showing off some of his stuff over the next several issues for your enjoyment.

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Ex: I still love you
Me: I don’t blame you

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Me: I’m actually happy right now.
Life: Hang on a sec.

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cheers3

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Dragon Laffs #1576

funnies only

Dear Campers,

I’m so very sorry that I missed a post on Wednesday.  My life is just a little busy right now.  My last day off was Thanksgiving and my next day off MIGHT be Sunday.  It seems all I’m doing is working and sleeping.  And I’m getting too much of one of those and not enough of the other.  I’ll leave it to the student to figure out which is which.

But here’s some funnies to help you through the weekend.  And here’s hoping that next week is better.

Thanks for all you guys give to me.

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Some of these solutions may be common sense to some of you, but I found a few on the list that I didn’t know.

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Most of these next ones are supposed to be animated gifs.  If they don’t work I apologize.

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Wheat’s Wisdom.

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cheers3

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Dragon Laffs #1575

dragon laffs 3

Good Morning Campers,

Well, I decided with my restful weekend, last weekend, that I’d begin to write this issue and see if I couldn’t get you guys a better issue than you’ve been getting lately.

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Of course you don’t…none of you idiots understand.

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches, etc.) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, “You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he’s my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office.  His talent is simply boundless.”

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new Commanding Officer, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.

“Smithers, old man, tell your new Commanding Officer about yourself.”

“Well, sir, I played cricket for England, graduated with honours from Sandhurst, won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.

I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics.  I have researched the history of . . .

“At that point, the colonel interrupted.  “Yes, yes, never mind all that, Smithers, he can find all that in your file.

“Just go to the part where you told the witch doctor to fuck off.”

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That’s just wrong in so many, many ways.

Never chase after someone who doesn’t chase after you…Yeah, so the ice cream man can fuck off for a start!

 

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The next correction will either be $2.50 each or three for $7.50.  How incredibly stupid.  But, like a man much wiser than me once said, “Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.”
If you don’t know the quote, look it up.

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Amen!  Expectations are set at a very young age.  Do you want to know why we’re having so much trouble out of our youth of today?  Because their parents didn’t teach them that there are consequences for their decisions.  Bad decision? Bad consequence.  Like getting your ass warmed when you did something wrong.  Time out?  Not happening.  God gave parents the perfect discipline device by creating that nice large round muscle on your bottom that is going to do nothing but hurt when it’s properly spanked.  No lasting damage.  No harm to the child’s psyche.  Just a warm painful ass that reminds you over the next few hours every time you sit down.

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Well, what did YOU think he was talking about?
Oh really?
YOU HAVE A DIRTY MIND!
Yeah….me, too.

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Yeah, I know.  That was bloody awful!

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Oh, I don’t know.  I think that was a very appropriate answer!

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Or a zombie.  It could be a zombie.  In which case you’ll have shoot them in the head and then burn them.

Okay, I really, really, REALLY wish I had thought of this when my kids were younger and they would have believed it!  Any of you campers out there who have little kids, PLEASE try this and send video!

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Dragon Laffs #1574–Another Wednesday Substitute

funnies only

Good Morning Campers,

Another Wednesday issue, holding space until Lethal Leprechaun’s return.  I know you will all agree with me when I say, dang Lethal, we miss you a lot.

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This unbelievable video is so amazing that it’s difficult to trust it’s validity, but it is awesome just the same.

 

Whale Hologram

It is a photographic process that produces an image thanks to the differences between 2 laser beams. These images are projected into a gym using a special camera. There is not a drop of water in the gym, let alone a whale. Imagine seeing this when you are sitting at your high school gym. 

http://websitesboise.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/Projectionholographique1.mp4?_=1

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running

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Convicted of murder and sentenced to death, the shapely young woman asked, as a last request, that she be hanged in the nude.

Although the warden thought this unusual, he felt a last request was not something to be denied.

When the condemned prisoner arrived at the gallows, the hangman gasped, “My God, you have the most beautiful body I’ve ever seen.”

Came the whispered reply, “It’s all yours if you keep your trap shut.”

dragon2

 

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It’s strange how drinking 8 cups of water seems impossible, but 8 cups of coffee go down like a chubby kid on a see-saw.

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A lot of days I truly expect my horoscope to say, “Just don’t kill anyone today.”

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cheers3

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