Dragon Laffs #1614

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Oh Lord Dear Campers, has my life been crazy busy.

My boss took a new job, which is a good thing because I want his job, except that I work for the US Government and not only does it take forever for a job to finally come up on usajobs.gov, but anything can happen.

But, I’ll keep you informed on that vein.

But, it means that my three man shop is now a two man shop and I’m doing my job, my boss’s job, and trying to teach the guy under me part of my job.  Well, the guy under me is a reservist, and I salute him for that, BUT he deployed Thursday so my three man shop is now a one man shop!

I really, really need to laugh.  Haven’t had a day off in three weeks and I’m at work while you’re reading this.  I SHOULD have tomorrow, Sunday, off, but we’ll see.

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Alcoholics don’t run in my family…they stumble around breaking shit!

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I told myself that I should stop DRINKING…but I’m not about to listen to a drunk that talks to himself.

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No man has ever won a game of “notice anything different about me?”

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Don’t worry about getting older.  You still get to do stupid things, only slower.

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Why the Chinese Kick Our Asses In Mathematics!

STUDY THE FIRST PHOTO VERY CAREFULLY. THEN LOOK AT THE SECOND ONE. IT MAY TAKE AWHILE, BUT EVENTUALLY YOU WILL NOTICE A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PHOTOGRAPHS.

Class Photo:     Shanghai  University
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Class Photo:   University  of  Colorado
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Going out on a limb here, but I’m gonna say that most of us would still rather go to the University of Colorado.

Exactly how long is a cotton picking minute?

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New One

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Okay, so that one is pretty bad.  Repulsive, even.

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I’ve dated women like that before.  Pretty sure I was married to one once, too.

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That ain’t shit!  You should see the crap that goes on in my office on a normal week.

I’m wearing all black today to mourn the death of my motivation.

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Cleaning with the kids home is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.

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Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the Whatever.

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Oh Hell No!  My doctor just set up an appointment for me to have a stress test and I ain’t doin’ that!!!!!!

A plumber was called to a woman’s apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe.
When he arrived, he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely ‘friendly’.
About 4:30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing their bedroom shenanigans. “That was my husband,” she said, “He’s on his way home, but he’s going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off.”
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. “What? On my own time??”

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That’s it for today.

Have a great week.

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My Apology

I’m sorry guys.  Been very busy.  I didn’t even realize I had missed Saturday, not just the issue, but the whole day…until it was Sunday.

And now it’s Tuesday and I’m just now getting to the point to tell you all that I’m fine, nothing is wrong, just super busy. 

I’ll have an issue for you on Saturday….

I hope.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

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Dragon Laffs #1613

 

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Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so from now on I’m going to concentrate on getting taller.

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I came, I saw, I … forgot what I was doing, retraced my steps, got lost n the way back, now I have no idea what’s going on or where I am.

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Okay, is this getting to be a real thing?

I’m having people over to stare at their phones later if you want to come by…

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Told someone to spell orange and she asked, “The fruit or the color?”

I know people like that.

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You know that voice in the back of your head that tells you not to do something because it’s stupid or dangerous?  Yeah, mine bets me five bucks I can’t!

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The nurse came in and said, “Doc, there is a man in the waiting room who thinks he’s invisible, what should I tell him?”

The doctor said, “Tell him I can’t see him today.”

That was bloody awful!

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This one is especially for you, Lethal.

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I don’t have bad handwriting, I have my own font.

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I want my last words to be, “I left a million dollars under the…”

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New One

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And it surprised absolutely no one!

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I know some people like this.

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Welcome to the Twilight Zone.

I want someone to look at me the way that I look at pizza.

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The difference between Oo and oO

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for doing drugs.

The judge says, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.   I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.   I’ll see you back in court Monday.”
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, “How did you do over the weekend?”
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 7 people to give up drugs forever.”
“Seven people? That’s wonderful. How did you do it?”
“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: Oo.

Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs

and the small circle is your brain after drugs.”
“That’s admirable,” says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy.

“And how did you do?”
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever”
“Wow!” says the judge. “156 people! How did you manage to do that?”

 

“Well, I used a similar diagram,” the guy says. “I drew two circles like this: oO.   Then I pointed to the little circle and said, ‘This is your asshole before prison .”

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A U.S. Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Manitowish Waters, WI .

He says, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the ever living crap out of a flag burning, cop hating, anti-Trump protester.”

The priest says, “My son, I am here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service.”

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Should have used this one on Wednesday….

4th of July 3

Dude, my phone rang during the funeral!!!!
So?
My ring t0ne is highway to hell!

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And that does it for me for today.  May you have a wonderful weekend.

Impish

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Dragon Laffs Independence Day Issue

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Happy 242nd Birthday, America.bunting

242 years ago our forefathers brought unto this continent a new nation,American Hat born in liberty and forged in fire and blood. (pardon my paraphrasing Abe).  They did it in writing, and then signed their names to the bottom of it.

Liberty Bell“It” was the Declaration of Independence.  And many of you may have read or studied it either on your own or in school.  I’m not sure that is being done too much any more, so, if I may, I’d like to share it with you here.ATT0000111

Please, take this time to quiet down a little.  You’ll notice that breakfast hasn’t been served yet, although coffee and juice has.  There are also boxes of tissue placed strategically around in case you feel the need.

Now, it had been months and months of writing this document, arguing over almost every word, each delegate wanting something different put in there for their people.  Philadelphia was miserable in the summer heat and they didn’t have air conditioning.  (That alone will keep me from ever time traveling to an unindustrialized place).  They could open windows and hope and pray for a cross-breeze, but they wore too many damn clothes to even hope that that would help much.

But finally they had it and on July 4, 1776 they started signing and making it official.  Some of them didn’t get to sign until much later, very few of them signed it right up front.

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IN CONGRESS, JULY 4, 1776
The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America

When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

Okay King George, we’re as good as you are and we are raising ourselves up to the same level and separating ourselves from you, and here’s why…

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. That is one long-assed sentence, and I didn’t want to interrupt so let me say here that what that says to me is that look, you guys work for us.  When you start pulling shit we don’t like it’s time for you to go!  Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; Yeah, if you’ve been a good and loyal employee of “We The People” then we should think twice before kicking you out, but otherwise…. and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. To quote Popeye: “That’s all I can stands and I can’t stands no more!” The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their Public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected, whereby the Legislative Powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

He has obstructed the Administration of Justice by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary Powers.

He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.

God, this is sounding pretty fucking familiar.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.

He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil Power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by a mock Trial from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:

For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent: Man, that one hasn’t changed!

For depriving us in many cases, of the benefit of Trial by Jury:

For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:

For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies

For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever. Isn’t that what a Presidential Decree is?

He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation, and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & Perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people. Wait a minute!  Read that last one again!  Why aren’t we paying attention!!!!!

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends. We’ve asked, we’ve begged, we’ve pleaded, we’ve threatened and now we’re acting.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these united Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States, that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. To quote Charlie Daniels: “You’ve gone and laid your hands on a Pittsburgh Steelers Fan!”— And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor. And there’s the line that always sends shivers up my spine, “Our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.  How many of us today are willing to do the same?

New Hampshire:
Josiah Bartlett, William Whipple, Matthew Thornton

Massachusetts:
John Hancock, Samuel Adams, John Adams, Robert Treat Paine, Elbridge Gerry

Rhode Island:
Stephen Hopkins, William Ellery

Connecticut:
Roger Sherman, Samuel Huntington, William Williams, Oliver Wolcott

New York:
William Floyd, Philip Livingston, Francis Lewis, Lewis Morris

New Jersey:
Richard Stockton, John Witherspoon, Francis Hopkinson, John Hart, Abraham Clark

Pennsylvania:
Robert Morris, Benjamin Rush, Benjamin Franklin, John Morton, George Clymer, James Smith, George Taylor, James Wilson, George Ross

Delaware:
Caesar Rodney, George Read, Thomas McKean

Maryland:
Samuel Chase, William Paca, Thomas Stone, Charles Carroll of Carrollton

Virginia:
George Wythe, Richard Henry Lee, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Harrison, Thomas Nelson, Jr., Francis Lightfoot Lee, Carter Braxton

North Carolina:
William Hooper, Joseph Hewes, John Penn

South Carolina:
Edward Rutledge, Thomas Heyward, Jr., Thomas Lynch, Jr., Arthur Middleton

Georgia:
Button Gwinnett, Lyman Hall, George Walton

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I read the above to Mrs. Dragon and couldn’t keep the tears out of my voice and out of my eyes. 

I ask you again, how many of us are willing, today, to give Our Lives, Our Fortunes, and Our Sacred Honor?  Do we even know what that means?

Let me share with you now, the message we received at work from our Secretary of the Air Force:

Fellow Airmen,

242 years ago, the Declaration of Independence established a new republic, inscribing a foundation of unalienable rights: life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. We join together to celebrate this momentous achievement, and remember the tremendous risks and sacrifices of our first patriots to secure freedom for all of us who followed.

The first battles for independence inaugurated a proud tradition of American resolve and dedication to our founding principles. We cherish the memory and valor of citizens and families past and look to their example as we carry this heritage forward. As an Air Force, we do so in defense of air, space, and cyber domains unfathomable in 1776, but which comprise vital arenas for our Nation’s security today.

While we celebrate our Nation’s independence with our friends and families, we take the time to remember the importance of duty and sacrifice, embodied by our brothers and sisters standing watch around the world on our behalf. Few can claim the privilege of serving our Nation in uniform …we do so with pride, integrity, and a single-minded devotion to advancing this venerated legacy.

We are honored to stand beside you, and wish you a happy Independence Day.

Heather Wilson                                                        David L. Goldfein
Secretary of the Air Force                                      General, USAF
Chief of Staff

Kaleth O. Wright
Chief Master Sergeant of the Air Force

Very nicely said, Ma’am.

And with that my friends, I’m going to end this and pass on my best wishes to all of you for a happy and safe Independence Day, with all our Love from our Dragon Laffs and Leprechaun Laffs Family to yours.

fireworks4Fireworks5fireworks6fireworks7Happy 4th of July

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Dragon Laffs #1612

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Good Morning Campers,

You know what else I missed talking about last week?  The Summer Solstice and the first day of Summer.  But I am clear to tell you now what I couldn’t tell you last week.  I couldn’t tell you about the Summer Solstice because the Summer Solstice or Midsummer is a HUGE deal in the Mythological and Fae Communities.  You see, Lethal and I were actually at Stonehenge and then Chichen Itza…or maybe it was Chichen Itza and then Stonehenge…the night, Midsummer Night to be exact, is kind of a blur.  I know there was drinking, and the gathering of herbs, and fires…lots and lots of fires.  Rolling burning wheels down hill into lakes, poles covered in flowers being burnt, things like that. 

And I kept running into witches who thought it was bloody funny to “pretend” to have no powers and then pulling practical jokes.  They have a really warped sense of humor.

Anyway, it was an interesting weekend. 

At least …

I think it was.

Let’s get on to the good stuff.

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What kind of exercises do lazy people do?

Diddly-Squats.

I’m sorry

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Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma?

There is no menu.  You get what you deserve.

Yeah, for that one, too.

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I don’t normally cook…does anyone know how much vodka you add to mashed potatoes?

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So, I’m at Walmart returning 37 pool noodles (because of youth ministry) and rather than explaining the whole story of why I’m a grown man returning 37 pool noodles, when asked, “Reason for return?” I just said, “The grocery list said noodles, but not what kind…boy was my wife mad!”

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Concentric Star Trail Rotating Around the Star Polaris, British Columbia

A star trail is a type of photograph that uses long-exposure times to capture the apparent motion of stars in the night sky due to Earth’s rotation. A star-trail photograph shows individual stars as streaks across the image, with longer exposures resulting in longer arcs. Typical exposure times for a star trail range from 15 minutes to several hours, requiring a “Bulb” setting on the camera to open the shutter for a period longer than usual.
The result is stunning!

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You know you live in a small, rural town when this is a common occurrence:
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Yes, this is the little town I live in.  That is the CVS on the left and the county courthouse on the right (behind the red traffic light and in front of the tower you can see in the background) and yes, that is a John Deere tractor who just politely let the white pickup truck into traffic from the CVS.  Yes, I live in a little town.

The story of the snowman:
It had been snowing all night. So at ….
8:00: I made a snowman.
8:10: A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.
8:15: So, I made a snow woman
8:17: My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman’s voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere
8:20: The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead
8:22: The transgender person asked why I didn’t just make one snow person with detachable parts
8:25: The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28: I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white..
8:31: The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa
8:40: The Police arrive saying someone has been offended
8:42: The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role
8:43: The council equalities officer arrived and threatened me with eviction
8:45: TV news crew from CNN shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, “Snowballs” and am called a sexist.
9:00: I’m on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobic sensibility offender bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10: I am asked if I have any accomplices… my children are taken by social services
9:29: Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded
Moral: There is no moral to this story.  It’s just the world in which we live today and it’s going to get worse.

Sadly, a few years ago we would have laughed and laughed and now….we are all nodding and saying, yeah….it could happen.

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I recently got sent an email, thanks K2, with a bunch of pictures with captions that will either lower your body temperature, scare the crap out of you, make you laugh out loud, or make you go hmm.  I’m going to call this group:

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I thought it was a very catchy title for a new group of pictures.  You know, pictures that will either lower your body temperature, scare the crap out of you, make you laugh out loud or make you go hmm.  You know, ones that have captions and were sent… okay, so it’s not funny anymore, I get it.  So let’s enjoy some:

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Or is it that THIS now is the disinformation and the first part was true?

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We can lean an awful lot from the Swiss

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You know…that’s probably a good thing.

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1981!!!  NINETEEN – FRIGGIN’ – EIGHTY-ONE!!!!!  (I was in Germany and 23-years-old.)  We’ve gone 37 years in-a-friggin’-row of letting our children be murdered!!!!  That is fucked up!

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That’s not right.  It can’t be right.  I think it’s the other way around and it’s people who get up early who are the crazy ones.

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Nope.  It ain’t right.  Pizza cures wareism.

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And that figures, too.

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“Florida has had 119 hurricanes since 1850, but the last one was due to climate change.”
Yeah, right.  That makes sense.  duh

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Isn’t it weird that in AMERICA…our flag and our culture offend so many people…but our benefits don’t??
banging head

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And that’s it for today’s issue.  I hope you all enjoy and have a great 4th of July.

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