I just … JUST finished #2427. Trying to get a head start on this one since … you know, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I usually don’t even get to OPEN my personal laptop, much less do anything like check email or or work on DL.

So, I don’t really have anything to talk about right now, so let’s just jump right into the fun stuff, shall we? That’s what you guys want, anyway.

“A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.”

Most women need a little reassurance. 
Like when she says, “Oh, so you want to see crazy?”
Reassure her that you do not.

A massage is not good enough.

I need to be rolled through a pasta machine.

I started a revival band.

We’re called The Defibrillators.

Make sure you check your spelling and grammar before posting anything.

Because there are so many jobless English professors on social media.

The First Rule of Thesaurus Club:

You don’t talk, discuss, converse, speak, chat, confer, deliberate, gab, or gossip about Thesaurus Club.

Milly the Millipede

-A. Harris

Milly was a millipede.
She had a lot of feet.
Which meant that Milly had to think
just walking down the street

or else she’d get all tangled up
and fall down, legs out, flat.
Often, when she rushed about,
it ended up like that.

One time nature called to her.
Distraught, in desperate need,
before she found a bathroom
well… Our poor old Milly peed.

AMEN! That new life now DOES become your responsibility. Your responsibility to care for, to keep alive, to raise or to ensure that it gets the best chance at a good life. If that means that you give it up for adoption to a GOOD family, then so be it, but the BEST chance it has is for YOU to raise it as your own.

“Phonetic” is not.
“Abbreviation” is 12 letters.
“Thesaurus” doesn’t have a synonym.
“Monosyllabic” has five syllables. 

Say what you will about English, but it sure has a sense of humor.

I’m so old… I used a pencil to fix a cassette tape, changed TV channels with a metal know, and asked the operator to make a long-distance call.

Made it through another one.  I’m now far enough ahead that you guys are covered… which makes me feel good. Now, my wishes for you guys are joy, peace, love, and happiness. Be well until next time, my friends.

So, I’m tired of being sick. I haven’t been sick that long and it’s already old. I had to go to work today, Friday, and I have to work this weekend and it’s even more miserable because I have to do it sick.

Life is so unfair.

Do I sound like a liberal whiner now?

So, that’s the one voice inside of my head. Wah! Wah! Wah!

And the one I’m listening to?

Suck it up, buttercup. You’ll live, you got stuff to do. Grab your hankie and get to work. Yeah, that’s what I did…and what I’ll do tomorrow and Sunday.

But, for you guys, I got this …

Poor Jonah.

I need to start this in Indiana!!

From one of our favorite readers:

saw this on facebook and  yes, I am stunned that he is as smart, well spoken and common sensical as he now appears. Totally unexpected

You HAVE to watch this one! Sent in by the same reader. This is fantastic! I cheered, I laughed, I cried. It is great. 

Today I bought an old used car that was made in Prague.

The Czech engine light keeps coming on.

When a restaurant asks, “how spicy?” I want a scale that’s realistic.

Not – “Mild / Medium / Hot”

More like:

“Clear Sinuses”

“Question Life Choices”

“This is Going to Hurt on the Way Out”

I struggle with Roman numerals until I get to 159.

Then it just CLIX.

The “Powers” of coffee were discovered by goats

According to legend, Ethiopian shepherds were the first to notice the caffeinating effects of coffee. They were herding their goats in the area where the coffee plants grew and noticed their goats started “dancing” after eating coffee berries.

This one cracked me up!  Imagine trying a new drink with waxed tadpole in the name!

She looks like she’s trying so hard! Isn’t there some chivalrous man out there somewhere who could give this poor girl a hand? 

Not that kind of hand, you unmitigated bastards!

I have no words.

Yes…every single solitary one of them.

AND BE FIRED! They are supposed to be good stewards of OUR money.

Handcuffing deaf people takes away their freedom of speech.

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

Yup, we have one of those.

Do you want to play a great joke on your friends?
-Freeze Mentos in ice cubes
-Serve Coke “Timebombs” to your friends
-Best done outside!

I can always tell when they use fake dinosaurs in movies.

And again we must close out for the day. So, until next time, be well, be happy, be loved and …

So, it’s Thursday and I left work early ’cause I’m sick. My head feels like it’s ready to explode it’s so full of stuff. I can’t stop sneezing.  Thankfully, it’s in my head and not in my chest, but I feel miserable. I stopped and got some medicine, not that I expect it will do any good, but who knows.

I’m hoping that Izzy can find a ride home, but if not,  I’ll have to go out and get her, but that’s okay. I’ve felt worse. Okay, so I just texted Izzy and I’ll have to pick her up, so let’s see what I can get done before I have to leave.

Well, by the looks of things, your expiration date is not mandatory information.

Does anyone even know what that means anymore?

Got an important Notice from Lynn:

My goal is to get in and out as quickly as possible. I could walk past my own family members and never notice them 

That reminds me so much of Izzy. When she gets excited about something she’ll say to me, “Bro, you … ____” Whatever. And I will say to her, “Hey, I’m not your Bro.” So the other day she started down the same path but remembered what I said and started out with, “Girl, you really … ___” 

I laughed so hard. What’s wrong with “Dad”? She does call me Dad, but it comes out like Dayad. She’s such a weird kid. I love her to death.

A Dog’s Diary

7:30am: Invaders! The people who live next door came out into their yard, obviously getting ready to lay siege to our house. Snarling and barking, I let them know in no uncertain terms that I was prepared to tear them from limb to limb if they came any closer, and was able to repel the invasion. This is an almost daily occurrence; you’d think they’d learn. My master added his voice to the fray as well, yelling angrily. I am sure the people couldn’t hear him, but it was nice of him to lend his support.

10:00am: I was forced to move, as the patch of sun in which I was lying had, for some reason, slid over a few feet. It’s not easy being a dog.

1:00pm: I have the most thoughtful master in the world! While it’s true he left me alone in the house for several hours, he did set out a treat for me on the kitchen counter. It was even gift-wrapped, a courtesy I wish he’d skipped, since it led to me having a lot of plastic in my teeth. The roast was delicious, though frozen in the center. I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but crunching through two inches of rock-hard beef is hardly my idea of a delicacy.

2:00pm: Most unpleasant experience was when my master returned home and was furious that I had not eaten the plastic wrap which had been covering my present. He kept pointing at the small pieces of Styrofoam and other debris and raving in a most irrational fashion.. I’m sorry, but he should know that I can’t eat that stuff; it makes my stomach upset. When he began rolling up a newspaper I realized he’d lost all reason and bolted for the front door, which was fortunately open just a crack.

4:00pm: Spent the afternoon with the girls. A most productive day; I was able to mark territory for two blocks. “Drip ’til you drop” is our motto. We had a small snack at an outdoor cafe we like, with meat scraps and bread served out of circular containers with easily displaced lids. Ran into that rogue Sebastian, who lifted his leg with irritating nonchalance — does he think I don’t know about his obsession with Muffy, that snotty schnauzer from down the road? Last month there wasn’t a male in the neighborhood who couldn’t be found outside her fence, and Sebastian was at the head of the pack. I let him know I want nothing more to do with him.

5:00pm: What a treat! On the way home a flock of ravens drew my attention to a squirrel that had been flattened by an automobile. After several days in the sun, the aroma was so delicious it made my nose quiver. I rolled in the wondrous fragrance for several minutes, and when I stood up I positively radiated eau de roadkill. Let Sebastian drool over Muffy — he doesn’t know what he’s missing.

6:00pm: Of all the times to get a bath! My master, still in a foul mood, made me stand outside in the chill air while he shampooed and rinsed me several times. Every time I shook the water from my fur he, too, became drenched, and in the end he was shivering. Why in the world does he do stuff like this?

If Zombies attack, go to Costco. There’s cement walls, years worth of food and tons of supplies, plus Zombies can’t get in without a membership.

I got caught up in a really good book last night.

I didn’t stop coloring until 2 a.m. this morning.

I sit in the driveway with the heater running, drinking coffee, smoking a cigar and reading a book until the the windshield clears itself. Why should I stand out in the cold?

Perspective is everything…

Hmmm…I found a strange piece of plastic on the floor that looks like it broke  off of something, but I have no idea what. Better save it in the junk drawer until I die.

Researchers confirm that during childbirth, women feel almost the same amount of pain a man feels when he’s stuck walking behind a slow person.

I personally think it’s hilarious when people become rich by writing “anti-capitalist” books and selling “anti-capitalist” merchandise. 

I thought the word “Caesarean” started with the letter S.

But when I  looked it up in the dictionary, it was in the C section.

That’s it my friends.

Turns out, Izzy got a ride home, so I got to sit here and finish this off. Now, I can study and maybe get a little rest.

Until Monday…

As I’m sure you all know, and as comes to nobody’s surprise, an incredibly huge strike has taken place against Iran early this morning (our time) and during the daylight hours Iran time. Those of us who are in the game saw this coming from way back and most of the rest of the world saw it over the last couple of weeks.

I was off by three days in the pool. I had Tuesday. I would NOT have guessed a daylight strike, that’s shows a LOT of confidence, although it does give the civilians a better chance to take cover. 

From what I can see, they are all military targets, even the ones that are in the cities are key military figures. Sadly, there are going to be innocent victims, that’s unavoidable.

Rumors of assassinations, and such are on the news, but it’s still very early, by the time you read this I’m sure much more will be known.  Iran is firing missiles not only at Israel, (135 at last count, 1 of which got through) but at OTHER gulf states. Which is really angering the other states. I figure they are targeting American bases, but I don’t think they are landing where they want them to.

Anyway, there may be an update later, but for now, let’s get to the reason we’re here.

Oh! Thanks for the pictures Chuck! 

And I’m not saying the picture in the header is me helping out … cause that would be breaking my non-disclosure agreement, just thought it was a cool picture.

Well, maybe not at the bottom, but further on in the ezine.

Special to all my nurse friends out there!!!

Rumored to be a picture of the human form of Impish Dragon from 17 years ago.  Not proven true.

Some really cool and unusual stuff in this next video:

Just heard that Israel is reporting that the Iranian supreme leader has been killed. Not sure that’s going to make much of a difference. This regime has functioned quite well with their leadership taken out in the past. When one rat dies, another steps up to take his place. We’ll see I guess.

Now I’m conflicted on how this guy should be charged when he gets caught.

Rumored to be yet another picture of Impish Dragon in his human form from about 17 years ago.

A mission statement is defined as “a long awkward sentence that demonstrates management’s inability to think clearly.” 
All good companies have one.
-From The Dilbert

No…no, he’s not.

T’were better that most people remember that!

I can see a pattern developing here…

How apropos. 

Iowa, Fort Madison Law

The fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire. 

So…we’re not done with Bob yet, I see …

Once upon a time, in Colorado, the chief of an Indian tribe, I believe it was the Navajos, had a very beautiful daughter.  

She was of marrying age, and many, many braves were wanting the daughter’s hand in marriage.  

Well, being a wise chief, he decided that he wanted his daughter to marry the bravest and strongest and wisest brave of the bunch.  So he held a contest.  

All the eligible bachelors were to go hunting and the brave that brought back the biggest and best catch would be given the chief’s daughter in marriage. 

A lot of braves turned out for this event.  

On Monday morning they all set out, bows and arrows in hand.  

Well, on Tuesday afternoon, all the braves had brought their killings in except for three: Running Bear,Sitting Bull, and Falling Rock. 

On Wednesday morning, Running Bear brought in a really big black bear,weighing 480 pounds and 7 foot in length.  

The chief was quite impressed.  This was the best killing of all so far.  

But, of course,they had to wait for the remaining two before he could award his daughter to Running Bear. 

Well, on Wednesday night, Sitting Bull brought back a really, really big cougar, even bigger than the black bear that Running Bear had come home with.  

The cougar weighed 620 pounds and was 7 1/2 feet long.  

Clearly,Sitting Bull was about to win the chief’s daughter’s hand in marriage. Excitement rose within the camp.  

Everyone was pretty sure that Falling Rock couldn’t top Sitting Bull’s catch! 

Thursday came and went ….. 

Friday came and went …..
Saturday came and went ….. 

The weeks turned into months and the months into years,and still Failing Rock did not return. 

It was obvious, the chief couldn’t wait forever for Falling Rock to return.  

So he granted his daughter to Sitting Bull and they lived happily ever after, and the tribe no longer waited for the wayward brave, but they did keep their eyes open when out on the trails. 

And even today you will still see in Colorado those signs that say, 

“Watch for Falling Rock.”

Ok, it’s official.  I’m getting old.

The other day I was walking back to my car from the grocery store. 

Coming into the store was this smoking hot 19, maybe 20 year old, blonde. God, she was hot. 

My thought?  “I wonder what her mother looks like.

This one was sent in by our own Joe from NJ … aka  … well … I’ll let you make the connection

One day, Joe Landi decided to go to a new golf course where no one knew him, just to get away and see if he could do better elsewhere. 

He hired a caddy to guide him around the course. 

After another day of slices, duff shots, misread putts and bad temper, he was obviously upset. 

He turned to the caddy and said, “You know I must be the worst golfer in the world.” 

The caddy replied, “I think not sir, I have heard there is a guy named Joe Landi from across town who is the worst player ever!”

Billy Ray lines up his three young sons out behind the barn. He’s got his arms folded, jaw tight, and that look on his face that says somebody’s about to have a long afternoon.

“All right,” he says slowly, “which one of y’all pushed the outhouse over the cliff?”

The boys stare at the dirt. One studies his boots like they’ve suddenly become fascinating. Another kicks a rock. The youngest pretends he didn’t hear.

Billy Ray’s voice gets louder.

“I said, who pushed the outhouse over the cliff?”

Still nothing. Not a whisper. Just nervous shuffling and a whole lot of avoiding eye contact.

Billy Ray sighs and rubs his temples. “Fine. Let me tell y’all a story.”

The boys glance up cautiously.

“It’s about George Washington and his daddy. Now, George chopped down a cherry tree. When his daddy asked him about it, George told the truth. And because he told the truth, his daddy didn’t punish him.”

Billy Ray pauses, letting that sink in. He nods thoughtfully, like he’s just delivered the moral of the century.

“So,” he says calmly, “I’m gonna ask one more time. Who pushed the outhouse over the cliff?”

There’s a long silence.

Finally, the youngest boy raises his trembling hand. “I did, Pa. I pushed the outhouse over the cliff.”

Billy Ray’s face turns red. “All right then. You can spend the rest of the day cleaning out the stalls while the rest of us go fishing.”

The boy’s lip quivers. “But Pa… when George Washington told the truth, he didn’t get punished. Why am I gettin’ punished?”

Billy Ray takes a deep breath and shakes his head.

“Because when George Washington chopped down the cherry tree… his daddy wasn’t in it!”

Another very cool video

Oh!  I almost forgot!

I saw a pack of Gummy Worms that read, “No artificial flavor.”

Who buys gummy worms hoping they’d taste as close to real worms as possible?

So…does nobody else find it funny how both America and Europe got invaded and overwhelmed by mass illegal migration at the same exact time?

That’s not a coincidence, that doesn’t just happen, especially on a scale this large.

This was planned, funded and then executed.

But planned, funded and executed by who?

And why?

And that’s it.  Still watching the news. Another missile has struck Tel Aviv.  So far, no American or Israeli casualties.  Surprising support from all the other Arab nations and most of the rest of the world.  The UN is having an emergency session, but the UN is mostly a toothless organization at this point in time. So, until next time, my dear friends …

So, instead of scheduling that issue for Thursday, I published it instead. And you are going to get Monday’s issue tomorrow. And I won’t have time to put anything together for Thursday…. so …. 

Uggghhhh!  Sorry!