Dragon Laffs

So it’s Saturday morning and I’m going to get an early start on this one. I’m going to be busy most of the rest of the weekend doing fun stuff … I hope, other than the fact that I have to mow the lawn at some point in time. But, I’m going to put that off for as long as I can. 

Right now I’m monitoring the church and waiting for a young lady to finish cleaning so I can go back over and reset the alarms when she’s done and Holly is watching her grand kidlets while their parents are out shopping for a new vehicle.

So, you guys get me for a little while. Ain’t you the lucky ones!  So let’s do this!

Why does it have to be either/or … why can’t it be both?

I would buy this collection today! Although, I think I have most of them anyway.

Don’t be fooled. It may have been written by man’s hand, but the words were from God, Himself.

That needs to be my shirt for work!!!! Holly says she getting it made! ROFLMBO!!!!

Joe sent this next one in from someone else, but I can say, wholeheartedly, I AGREE!!!

I’m worn out hearing people moan, “Our grandparents could buy a house on one paycheck, but now we can’t even afford rent on two!”
Yeah, maybe because Grandma wasn’t dropping half her income on $14 iced lattes and avocado toast shaped like art projects. Back then, if they wanted coffee, they boiled it at home in a dented pot. It tasted like burnt rubber and regret, but it woke you up and cleaned your pipes.
And Grandma wasn’t “out to brunch.” You think she had time for mimosas and hashtags? She was making something called whatever’s left in the fridge and feeding six people with it.
Don’t even start with Uber Eats. You think Grandpa was out here paying $38 to have a burger delivered three blocks away? Please. He grilled mystery meat on a rusted barbecue, and everyone called it dinner.
Now people cry about being broke while sitting in a house full of gadgets. Two SUVs in the driveway, six streaming services, three air fryers, and matching tattoos that cost more than their light bill. You think Grandpa had a tattoo? He did. It said “Korea, 1951,” and it came with trauma, not Instagram likes.
And the kids; Lord help us. “We can’t make ends meet, but Brayden needs the new iPhone!” No, he doesn’t. You’re handing an $1100 device to a child who still eats crayons and forgets to flush.
When we were kids, there was one phone. It hung on the wall like a family relic. The cord stretched just far enough for you to whisper secrets before someone yelled, “Get off, I need to make a call!” And guess what? We lived.
The TV? One. In the living room. With three channels and a dial that clicked like a safe. And if Dad wanted to watch bowling, you were a fan of bowling, end of story.
Now there’s a flat screen in every room, the baby’s got an iPad, the dog’s got a camera, and everyone’s wondering why they can’t afford rent.
Because you’re living like rock stars on retail salaries, that’s why.
Grandpa wasn’t leasing Teslas or buying $12 smoothies called “Green Zen Awakening.”

I read that to Izzy and she rolled her eyes at me. I told her that’s the truth and she said it’s not. What do you guys think?

Yeah….me, too.

Um… wouldn’t that be a GOOD thing? Just sayin’…

In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women near or over 50:
“As I grow in age, I value women near or over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman near or over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, ‘What are you thinking?’ She doesn’t care what you think.
If a woman near or over 50 doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it’s usually more interesting.
Women near or over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot or stab you if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it’s like to be unappreciated.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman near or over 50.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman near or over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They’ll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women near or over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman near or over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.”

Sigh. So true. Ladies, I apologize for my gender all the damn time.

Where do I sign up? I need to be washed and vacuumed!

A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. 

She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. 

There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. 

“Because I’m not an atheist.”

Then, asks the teacher, “What are you?”

“I’m a Christian.”

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian. 

“Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian.” 

The teacher angrily says, “That’s no reason.”

“What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?” 

She paused, smiled and said, “Then, I’d be an atheist.”

A blonde, tired of being made fun of and determined to end it all, grabs a rope and heads out to the park, where there are lots of trees.

A couple of hours later a man is walking by and sees the blonde, hanging from a tree by the waist.

“Can I help you with something, miss?” asks the man.

“No thanks. I’ve just had it with the world and with everyone making fun of me, so I’m hanging myself.” replies the blonde. 

“Well, you’ve got to put the rope around your neck if you want to do that,” offers the man helpfully.

“Well, I tried that,” says the blonde, “but I couldn’t breathe.” 

Sure, like God would never ask us to change or a loving God would never send anyone to hell.

A man walks into a small, quiet restaurant, sits down in a booth, and orders a bowl of hot soup.

A few minutes later, the waiter brings out the bowl, sets it down on the table, and starts to walk away.

“Excuse me, waiter!” the man calls out. “Please come taste this soup.”

The waiter turns around, looking surprised. “Is there something wrong with it, sir? Is it too cold?”

“Just taste the soup,” the man says calmly.

“Is it too salty? Not enough seasoning?” the waiter asks, trying to be helpful.

“I’m asking you to please just ,taste the soup” the man repeats.

The waiter sighs, walks back to the booth, and leans over. “Alright, fine, I’ll taste it. Where’s the spoon?”

The man looks up at him and says, “Aha! You tell me!”

ME TOO!!!

That’s alright!  Us good men don’t have flat stomachs and we talk back, too…usually with a smile on our faces in an attempt to get you to smile.  You may not believe it, but it works for me … with good women … ALL THE TIME!

Izzy just sent this to me. Not a Flock camera, but if you can get a speeding ticket via camera, something is wrong with this country. I want to get one of these because I would DEFINITELY take it to court and defy them to produce my accuser.   

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know. 


– Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

And that’s it for today, my friends. Gotta shut it down kinda quick. On my way out the door. Until next time.

That’s right, today is Labor Day! The day we celebrate … um … Labor!

No…

Um…

We celebrate the Working Class!

Do we?

Hmmm, let’s see, looking up Labor Day, honoring workers, vital contribution, hard work and dedication, Labor movement, safe work environment, hard-won benefits, 8-hour work day, weekends off, paid leave…

Yeah, all great stuff.  All worth celebrating. And yet the sarcastic side of me is saying, then why are there people who are looking for minimum wage to be $20 to $25 an hour? So that the price of a burger at McDonald’s will be astronomical or better yet, there won’t BE any high school jobs at McDonald’s because all the jobs will be replaced by robots, like they are trying to do in so many places.  

I may just be in a mood today and perhaps should work on this later, but … let’s go ahead and get it started and see where we go from here, so … 

QUIZ CONTESTANTS

The Weakest Link

Anne Robinson: In traffic, what “J” is where two roads meet? 
Contestant: Jool carriageway.

Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Contestant: Bombay.

Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant: Crocodiles.
Robinson: Wh…?
Contestant (interrupting): Pass!

Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling
entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.

Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written 
by Matthew, Mark, Luke and…?
Contestant: (long pause) Joe?



 
The Afternoon Programme Quiz

Presenter: Who killed Cock Robin?
Contestant: Oh God, I didn’t even know he was dead.



Lincs FM phone-in

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world? 
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I’m sorry, I don’t know the names of any countries in
Spain.


 
Steve Wright Show, Radio 2

Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?
Contestant: India.

Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant: Espresso.

Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it’s not Sydney.
Contestant: Sydney.



This Morning

Judy Finnegan: The American TV show ‘The Sopranos’ is about opera. True 
or false?
Contestant: True?
Finnegan: No, actually, it’s about the Mafia. But it is an American TV 
show, so I’ll give you that.



BBC Radio Newcastle

Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel
last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.



Bob Hope Birthday Quiz, LBC

Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant: Four.


 
BBC GMR, Phil Wood Show

Wood: What “K” could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er…
Wood:  It’s got two syllables… Kor…
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood:  Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run…
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood:  OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I…
Contestant: Walked?



Daryl’s Drivetime, Virgin Radio

Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It’s a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.

Mary and her husband were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy morning.  

He suddenly said, ‘Mary, if I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.’ 

‘Now why would you want me to do something like that?’ Mary asked. 

‘I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don’t want some other asshole using my stuff….’ 

‘What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?”

Maryland Laws

It’s illegal to play Randy Newman’s “Short People” on the radio.

“If you’re going to work here young man, ” said the boss, “the number two thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm.” 

“Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?”

“Oh, yes, sir.” responded the young man.

“And another thing the number one thing we are very keen on is truthfulness. There is no mat.” said the boss. 

QUIZ CONTESTANTS CONTINUED

National Lottery Jet Set

Eamonn Holmes: What’s the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.? 
Contestant: William Shakespeare.


 
Chris Searle Show, BBC Radio Bristol

Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn’t hear that, I can let you try again. 
Caller: Er… Mexico?



Family Fortunes

1) Something a blind man might use? A Sword

2) A Song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon

3) Name the Capital of France? F

4) Name a bird with a long Neck? Naomi Campbell

5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? A burglar

6) Where is the Taj Mahal? Opposite the Dental Hospital

7) What is Hitlers first name? Heil

8) A famous Scotsman? Jock

9) Some famous brothers? Bonnie and Clyde.

10) A dangerous race? The Arabs

11) Something that floats in a bath? Water

12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? A horse

13) Something you wear on a beach? A deckchair

14) A famous Royal? Mail

15) Something that flies that doesn’t have an engine? A bicycle with wings 

16) A famous bridge? The Bridge Over Troubled Waters

17) Something a cat does ? Goes to the Toilet

18) Something you do in the bathroom?  Decorate

19) A method of securing your home?  Put the kettle on

20) Something associated with pigs?  The Police

21) A sign of the Zodiac?  April

22) Something people might be allergic to? Skiing

23) Something you do before you go to bed? Sleep

24) Something you put on walls? A roof

25) Something Slippery? A conman

26) A kind of ache? A fillet of fish

27) A Jacket Potato topping?  Jam

28) A food that can be brown or white?  A potato

29) Something sold by gypsies? Bananas

30) Something Red? My sweater

This story was sent in by Joe and said it was an oldie, but I heard that it was a true story. I’m not 100% sure, but sure enough because of the size of the stones on this guy.

After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. 

He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. 

He especially wanted to thank the bride’s and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. 

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. 

So taped to the bottom of everyone’s chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. 

Inside each manila envelope was an 8×10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. 

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. 

After just standing there, just watching the guests’ reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, “F— you!”. 

Then he turned to his bride and said, “F— you!” 

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, “I’m outta here.” 

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. 

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. 

His revenge…making the bride’s parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride’s and best man’s reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. 

This guy has balls the size of church bells. 

Do you think we might get a MasterCard “priceless” commercial out of this? 


Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends……..$32,000. 

Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion…………………..$3,000. 

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui……………….$8,500. 

The look on everyone’s face when they see the 8×10 glossy of the bride doing the best man………….Priceless. 

There are some things money can’t buy, for everything else there’s 

MASTERCARD 

Oxymorons

State worker 

Legally drunk 

Exact estimate 

Act naturally 

Found missing 

Resident alien 

Genuine imitation 

Airline Food 

Good grief 

Government organization 

Sanitary landfill 

Alone together 

Small crowd 

Business ethics 

Soft rock 

Butt Head 

Military Intelligence 

Sweet sorrow 

Happily married 

“Now, then…” 

Passive aggression 

Clearly misunderstood 

Peace force 

Extinct Life 

Plastic glasses 

Terribly pleased 

Computer security 

Political science 

Tight slacks 

Definite maybe 

Pretty ugly 

Rap music 

Working vacation 

Microsoft Works 

Morris had been playing golf for years, and he had the finest equipment, but his technique never improved a bit. 

As his friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly drove a brand-new ball into the woods. 

On the second hole, he drove another new ball into a lake. 

On the third, he lost a new ball in another part of the woods.

“Why don’t you use an old ball?” his friend Sam asked.

“I’ve never had an old ball,” Morris said.

And that’s it for Monday, Labor Day. Go relax. Enjoy the rest of the day. I hope this was a happy part of it. May God Bless you and keep you and watch over and protect you until we can meet again. My love to you all.

Good morning my dear friends. And it is morning here. yesterday. I know that sounds weird, but you are reading this on Saturday and I am writing this on Friday morning so it is yesterday for you.

I finally have a day off today…well…shouldn’t call it a day off since it’s already filled with stuff that needs to be done, which is why I’m up at my regular time in the morning to work on DL so I get to spend some quality time with you before I’m trying to get everything done that needs to be done that hasn’t been done for the last 2 or 3 weeks because of the constant work on the air show.

I just reread that last paragraph and as bad as it is grammatically, it still makes sense, so I’m leaving it.

Hey! I can hear you guys out there! “So Impish, when have you ever cared about grammar, before?”

Well…never, I’m more of a Jersey-speak, flow from the fingers, if it sounds good … OH NEVER MIND! It’s too darn early in the morning for this crap! Just…

Yeah, some aren’t going to get that one.

I’ve learned that 99% of the time when something isn’t working in your house, one of your kids did it. 

One of the most wonderfully written responses I’ve ever seen.

That statement is pretty poorly written.  Aircrew is showing the ground crew that they’ve got their hands clear of all the switches, sticks, and controls that could kill them.  In all honesty, they ought to be sticking their feet out of the cockpit as well (except someone has to  keep pressure on the breaks once the chocks are pulled).  Those flight control surfaces hurt when they move when they’re not supposed to!

Indiana, Gary Law

Within four hours of eating garlic, a person may not enter a movie house, theater, or ride a public streetcar.

A quiz programme contestant had to identify famous slogans.

After several correct responses, he was asked, “Which company originated the phrase ‘ Good to the last drop ‘?” 

The contestant thought for a moment and replied, ” Otis Elevator? “

That is too funny!

In my FBI (Faith Bible Institute) Class last night, the instructor was kind of talking about that. How, throughout the day to just kind of keep in touch with God. Whispered words of prayer, acknowledging that it is Him who is in control, things like that.

THAT IS THE DIFFERENCE!  I’m so very sorry, but it’s the truth. I’m not an Islamophobe, I’m a realist. Islam has, as one of it’s primary tenants, to kill or enslave everyone who is not Islamic.  This is what they are trying to do to every country they are moving into, including the United States.  That is not a “religion of peace”. The sooner EVERYONE gets it in their heads the safer we’ll all be.

Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocre minds. 

-Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

Louisiana Law

It is illegal to shoot lasers at police officers.

I really have to wonder what required that sign being put up…

Oh Please!

A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get his car fixed and roadworthy again. 

But had run out of people to borrow from. So, he calls his parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and says to his father. 

“I need to borrow two hundred dollars ,” he says.

At the other end, his father says, “Sorry, I can’t hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line.” 

The boy shouts, “Two hundred. I need two hundred dollars!” 

“Sorry, I still can’t hear you clearly,” says his father. 

The operator cuts in, “Sorry to butt in, But I can hear him perfectly clearly.” 

The father says, “Good. YOU send him the money!”

Only for those people who talk out their ass all day.

A blonde took her dog to the vet for its annual check-up. 

“Your dog is overweight,” the vet said. “You should cut back on his food a little and make sure he gets some exercise. Try playing fetch with him.” 

“That’s impossible,” the blonde replied. “I can’t play fetch with my dog.” 

“Why not?” asked the puzzled vet. 

“Because,” the blonde said, “he can’t throw.”

And that’s it my friends. I hope you have an enjoyable Saturday. Holly and I are talking about going to the movie later today, but I don’t think there’s anything really interesting playing. Maybe the new Spiderman movie… We’ll see. 

So, until next time!

Well, it’s Tuesday and I’m way behind. 

At least I think it’s Tuesday. It has been one heck of a couple of four days…five days.  I’m not even sure anymore. 

The air show was a success … at least from an Emergency Management perspective.  One minor act of attempted stupidity that I can’t/won’t talk about. A LOT of people who shouldn’t have been out on a hot concrete pad, unprepared for several hours and paid for it that kept our medical boys and girls busy.

One heart attack that got airlifted out and another that should have gotten airlifted but we didn’t have a second chopper. They both survived.

No crashes and traffic moved extraordinarily smoothly. 

Some funny calls.  We had a lady who tried to direct traffic on the way out of the show on Sunday afternoon who refused to go back to her car. That one cracked me up.

Anyway, how about a couple of quick pictures of the show? I didn’t get many, I was busy putting out fires all weekend, then let’s get on with our regular episode.

Early friends and family crowds on Friday

Yes, that last one is as close as it looks. Any of you familiar with the Thunder Birds know of the jump scare where the one jet comes screaming up from behind the crowd at some point during the show.  Well, I was ready for him and snapped a really good shot. He’s probably only a couple of hundred feet off the ground.

It’s true. I found out after the air show that a whole group of friends of mine from another church had been praying all weekend for a safe and secure show. I thanked my friend profusely with tears in my eyes.

Okay, right here is the perfect place to include some commentary.  First of all, an email from a loyal reader and friend, Vincent who writes:

Just received this from a pal……..so true

I think that Trump renaming Lake Ontario to Lake America is pointless and stupid. Although I kinda get a chuckle about it if I’m being honest!😎

Wanna know what else I think is dumb?

The fact left-wingers are triggered about this after they spent the last decade plus renaming sports teams, public schools and universities, streets and highways, food and condiment brands, and redefining half the dictionary altogether.

Here’s a list of some in case you forgot:

• Washington Redskins ➡️ Commanders

• Cleveland Indians ➡️ Guardians

• Stanford Indians ➡️ Cardinals

• Loudoun County Raiders ➡️ Captains

• Edmonton Eskimos ➡️ Elks

• Columbus Day ➡️ Indigenous Peoples’ Day

• Lee–Jackson Day ➡️ eliminated

• Robert E. Lee High School ➡️ John Lewis High

• Jefferson Davis Highway ➡️ Richmond Highway 

• Mount McKinley ➡️ Denali 

• Fort Bragg ➡️ Fort Liberty

• Fort Hood ➡️ Fort Cavazos

• Boy Scouts of America ➡️ Scouting America

• Aunt Jemima ➡️ Pearl Milling Company

• Uncle Ben’s Rice ➡️ Ben’s Original

• Eskimo Pie ice cream bars ➡️ Edy’s Pie

• Land O’Lakes ➡️ removed the Indian, but kept the land

• Illegal alien ➡️ undocumented worker

• Hispanic ➡️ Latinx (a term Hispanics did not want and do not use)

• Mother ➡️ birthing person

• Anchor baby ➡️ child of noncitizens

• black ➡️ Black

• Breastfeeding ➡️ chest feeding

• Inmate / prisoner / convict / felon ➡️ justice-involved person

• Ex-con / ex-felon ➡️ returning citizen

• “Gender” as a biological fact interchangeable with “sex” to being a social construct 

• Fat ➡️ plus-sized

• Master bedroom ➡️ primary bedroom

• Manhole ➡️ utility hole

And so on and so on. . .

I agree with ALL of that. I think the renaming of the Lake to the Lake of America and the Gulf to the Gulf of America is complete and udder nonsense. But, I also agree that my dear departed father-in-law was a mailman and not a mailperson!  Since when have we become so STUPIDLY childish over such things? 

Dumb!

Just Dumb!

Go past the next two memes for the answer.

That was only 1!

That’s better. That was two. Now, what’s missing? R. R is missing. What’s the R for? Reverse!

Oh so very, very true!

I LOVED that show!!!!

Please Lord, PLEASE!

And she’s still going to kill you.

I’ve tried to use the same theory so many times, but no one will let me!

Before we wrap this one up, here are some “professional” pictures that our Public Affairs guys out at the base took at the Air Show.

Okay….

So, a little better than mine.

But they had real cameras, I had my iPhone. 

But that’s it for today my friends. I’m glad I got this one done. I’ve got Jail tomorrow, and FBI on Thursday, so I’ll try to put together an issue for Saturday and Monday. But, I have this weekend off and Monday is Labor Day or Memorial Day or something (I’m really tired) so I’ll try and get ahead AND do something with Holly this weekend. Be well my dear, dear friends.

It’s 530 in the morning on Saturday and I thought I’d throw some pictures from yesterday’s friends and family day from my phone your way.

This is not a regular post since it’s coming from my phone and being typed out one finger tap at a time, but let’s see if I can get some pictures for you.

That’s it for now my friends.

Got to get to work for the real air show starting today.

Cheers!

Impish