Dragon Laffs #1198


coollogo_com-166754544_thumb1_thumb1[1] 

01Warning_thumb1_thumb_thumbWarning_thumb2_thumb_thumbGood Morning Campers!
Today is Thursday, that truly lousy day between Hump Day and the beautiful and sometimes magical Friday.  Beautiful and magical that is, unless you have to work the weekend, like your favorite dragon.  Then they’re all just another day filled with mud pies.

Today’s Reason to Party: International Limerick Day.  Yes, it is.  Today is the day we should remember and recognize the art of pub poetry, saloon stanzas, and ballroom bawdry.  When done properly, the limerick is a wonderful thing.  Wrought with irony, humor and a twisted ending that should make you smile and laugh.  But when done improperly, they are often pornographic, obvious and forced.  Quite interesting, here’s what poetry-online.org has to say about Limericks.

Limericks – The History 
Variants of the form of poetry referred to as Limerick poems can be traced back to the fourteenth century English history. Limericks were used in Nursery Rhymes and other poems for children. But as limericks were short, relatively easy to compose and bawdy or sexual in nature they were often repeated by beggars or the working classes in the British pubs and taverns of the fifteenth, sixteenth and seventh centuries. The poets who created these limericks were therefore often drunkards! Limericks were also referred to as dirty.

Where does the term ‘Limerick’ come from? 
The word derives from the Irish town of Limerick. Apparently a pub song or tavern chorus based on the refrain “Will you come up to Limerick?” where, of course, such bawdy songs or ‘Limericks’ were sung.

and of course, I couldn’t let this opening go forth without a least a couple of Limericks…

A combustible woman from Thang
Exploded one day with a BANG!
The maid then rushed in
And said with a grin,
“Pardon me, madam — you rang?” 

Spike Milligan

His lover was so very tiny,
And she had such a cute little hiney;
       She would wax it each night,
       Just to bring him delight,
For he likes it the best when it’s shiny!

Oh goodness, we could do this ALL DAY, but instead, …..
1_thumb11_thumb_thumb

100

Mother’s Rhapsody…this is great!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=80olbDws8r0&feature=player_embedded

1_thumb5_thumb_thumb
DragonPapa1 (114)

The Fable of the Porcupine


It was the coldest winter ever.
Many animals died because of the cold.
The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together.
They were covered and protected, but the quills of each wounded the closest companion.
After a while, they decided to distance themselves,
and they began to die, alone and frozen.
So they had to make a choice: either accept the
quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.
Wisely, they decided to go back to being together.
They learned to live with the little wounds that were caused by their close relationships because the most important part was the heat that came from the others.
They were able to survive.
The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but the one that forms when individuals learn to live with the imperfections and admire the good qualities of others.


The Moral of the story:
LEARN TO LOVE THE PRICKS IN YOUR LIFE.

101

This is fun….. Footloose

Whoever put this together is an editing genius… take a few

minutes to watch and remember……..these cuts are from

almost 40 different movies, each with their own songs,

and the person who put this together made sure all the

dancers were hitting the exact beats to this one song

that you’re hearing. One song! Watch

everyone’s feet – they’re spot on! Fantastic!!!

Never misses a beat from movie to movie.

ENJOY!

1_thumb7_thumb_thumb
f336

Friendship ~ None of that Sissy Stuff

Are you tired of those sissy ‘friendship’ poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cute little smiley faces on this ~ Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1.. When you are sad ~ I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue ~ I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3 When you smile ~ I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

4. When you are scared ~ I will pick on you about it every chance I get until you’re NOT.

5. When you are worried ~ I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused ~ I will try to use only little words.

7.. When you are sick ~ Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don’t want whatever you have.

8. When you fall ~ I will laugh at your clumsy ass, but I’ll help you up.

9. This is my oath ….. I pledge it to the end. ‘Why?’ you may ask ~ because you are my friend.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

102
Yup, that’s me…..

Poetry1

I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven’s door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp–
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.

Bob, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, ‘What’s the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How’d all these sinners get up here?
God must’ve made a mistake.

‘And why is everyone so quiet,
So somber – give me a clue.’
‘Hush, child,’ He said,
‘they’re all in shock.
No one thought they’d be seeing you.’

299

While creating Husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.

And then God made the earth round.

300

Terry and Judy, two old ladies, are chatting.

Terry: “People can be so helpful. There are Mike and Lee, who are maintenance men, who let themselves into the apartment with their passkey so I don’t have to make the stairs. They pick up my trash and carry it out to the dumpster. Then there’s Steve, my amiable mailman who gathers my accumulated mail from the cluster box and delivers it to my door and carries the occasional package up the stairs for me. And there’s Bob with the food catering service who even makes an extra stop at the grocery store to pick up milk…
But there’s a problem.”

Judy: “What problem?”

Terry: “My neighbors think I’m running a brothel!

1_thumb13_thumb_thumb
A Rack

bar

Have
From what I understand, this is a picture of Lethal’s first attempt to run maneuvers with the Army….not sure how it happened, but if it was our Leprechaun, you can be assured that alcohol was involved, somehow.

How to Get Rid of Telemarketers

– If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died. When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.

– If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

– This works great if you are male: Telemarketing: “Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with XYZ Company…Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, “What are you wearing?”

– Cry out in surprise, “Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

– Say “No,” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to peak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

– If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends…Would you be my friend?”

– If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?”

– After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give you credit card number to a complete stranger.

– Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can’t sell to employees.

– Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream “Oh my Gosh!!!” and then hang up.

– Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The telemarketer will agree and you say, “Now you know how I feel!” Hang up.

– Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

– Tell the telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you some beer.

– Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

– Tell the telemarketer, “Okay, I will listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I’m not wearing any clothes.”

– Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”

– Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up…louder… louder… LOUDER…

– Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

– If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

301

 

“My doctor also said that my drinking is a reaction to depression. But for the life of me, I can’t understand what the 1930s has to do with it.”

1_thumb1_thumb_thumb
a79
“Is your husband gone yet?  Is it safe to come out?”

a80

a81

The morning after a terrible snowstorm, I spotted my neighbor, Janet, shoveling her driveway. I waved hello and asked why her husband wasn’t out helping her.
She explained that one of them had to stay inside and look after their two small children. They had flipped a coin to determine which would be the one to go out and shovel.
“Sorry to hear of your bad luck,” I said.
“Don’t be,” she replied quickly. “I won!”

gifcat

I was driving one night in a really heavy rain. My car slid off the road into a field of tall grass. When the sheriff arrived, he asked, “Slip off the road?”
I said, “Nope. The car got hungry so I let it graze in the grass for a while.

302

You may have heard about a new bride who
was a bit embarrassed to be known as a
honeymooner.

So when she and her husband pulled up to the
hotel, she asked him if there was any way that
they could make it appear that they had been
married a long time.

He responded, “Sure. You carry the suitcases!”

Holy-Crap_thumb1_thumb_thumb
h37

h38

The annual family picnic was going to be held in my brother and sister-in-law’s backyard. After a busy day of preparations, they decided to go for an evening stroll.
My sister-in-law commented that the next day would be the longest day of the year. “Yes, dear, I know,” her husband replied. “Your family is coming over.”

303

Who Does The Land of Israel Belong To?

An Israeli Sense of Humor at UN set the record straight.

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.

A representative from Israel began: ‘Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses: When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, ‘What a good opportunity to have a bath!’ Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished.  A Palestinian had stolen them!

The Palestinian representative at the UN jumped up furiously and shouted,  ‘What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren’t there then.’

The Israeli representative smiled and said, ‘And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.

304

1_thumb9_thumb_thumb

Many of you know what I do for a living and you know that chemical weapons are near and dear to my heart.  So, when I was sent this article by Stephanie, I had to use it, in it’s entirety.  Enjoy the history lesson:

Ancient chemical weapons that were ahead of their time

Ancient chemical weapons that were ahead of their timeEven in the early days of humanity, people were lazy. They wanted a way to kill each other without having to go to all the trouble of bashing each other’s heads in with rocks. So they turned to better living (briefly) through chemistry. Find out how wolf crap and chilies won wars.

No one knows the first time a human came home from a long day of sticking pointy things into other humans to say, “Man, there has got to be a easier way.” But we do know that the first time was not the only time. The ancient world is rife with chemical warfare. Chemical weapons have been used for millennia to burn, blind, suffocate, poison, or just plain irritate the enemy into submission.

Fire Agents

Any substantive discussion of ancient warfare has to include the good old Greeks. They managed to come up with the idea of using flame throwers in combat to burn people alive. Greek Fire was a famed weapon, although its exact composition is still not understood and some say its abilities were exaggerated. It started with those lovable Spartans building up a blaze, setting a pipe up behind it, and using a bellows to blow air down the pipe, blowing flames toward the opposing side. Once the concept proved effective, Byzantium got chemicals involved; chemicals probably derived from the petroleum that came from around the Black Sea. They used chemicals to make fire portable. Instead of huge heaps of coals, they could direct a stream of flame. When they applied this to naval warfare, they were a devastating force. Not only did the flaming chemicals burn enemy ships – they floated on water and burned any survivors of sinking vessels.

Ancient China is just as unavoidable as Greece. The Chinese took the concept of the flamethrower and went wide. They improved on the Greek’s flamethrowers by adding a second bellows, so the fire was continuous. They put flamethrowers on wheels. They even found a way to hand carry flamethrowers onto the battlefield. They filled a shaft of bamboo with flammable chemicals and attached it to the end of a long spear. When the chemicals were lit, they shot fire several feet out from the lance, and kept going for five minutes. To put it in perspective, many modern flamethrowers don’t keep burning for five minutes.

Suffocation and Irritation

Chinese soldiers also used gases of all kinds. When the enemy tried to tunnel under walls, they blew smoke from furnaces into those tunnels, suffocating them. When the enemy tried to attack a city, they fired smoke bombs that caused bleeding from the nose and mouth. They even devised formulas that used wolf and sometimes human feces ground into powder and mixed with arsenic. This was said go right through protective clothing and cause blisters. It was used much the way nonlethal gas is used today – as a form of riot control.

Ancient chemical weapons that were ahead of their timeDown in Brazil they also used smoke to control crowds. This smoke didn’t blister the skin, but it drew tears from the eyes. Ground up chili peppers were burnt over fires and the smoke from the peppers was fanned towards the enemy. Many people reading this will have been careless in the kitchen and touched their eyes after handling spicy foods. Most of those people will only have done that once. The smoke, loaded with capsaicin from the peppers, blinded people with tears.

Poison, Poison, Poison

Why should fighters make their enemies tear up, though, when they could make them keel over instead? Curare is a generic name for poisons used in South America. Most often seen doing the impossible in pulp paperbacks, it does have its uses in reality, too. Most types of this poison were made with the bark of the subtly-named Strychnos toxifera. The more discerning poisoners added a little snake or ant venom, threw the ingredients in a pot of water, and boiled them for a couple of days until the mixture became a paste. To make sure the recipe was right, brewers would count how many hops a frog could take after being pricked with an knife dipped in the stuff. Curare kills by slow, creeping paralysis that leaves a victim conscious until it attacks the muscles that control breathing. Curare was most often used in hunting – since it only poisons through contact with blood and can be ingested in animal meat without harm to humans.

Poison, of course, was not just the weapon of hunters and armies, but the weapon of Emperors as well. Romans used it, although it was frowned upon, to poison the drinking water of Germanic tribes when they were being belligerent. What was good for the goose was good for the gander – Romans used it to kill each other when they were being belligerent as well. In fact, a woman named Locusta was said to be a universally known professional poisoner. And a professional poison homicide investigator, hired by the state. (At last a way to make a new Law & Order spin-off that’s interesting.)

Ancient chemical weapons that were ahead of their timePoison was such a versatile addition to weapon that it was used almost everywhere. Ancient Iranian archers would infect their enemies by dipping their arrows in manure and blood. The Romans used poison in water supplies again in Asia Minor when faced with guerilla warfare after having destroyed the region’s army. Hawaiians and South Americans dipped their arrows in secretions from the skin of many different kinds of poison dart frogs. Some of these frogs are so poisonous that they can kill or severely injure people simply by being handled too long. It’s a shame that more research hasn’t been done on the uses of the poison dart frog, because it could have made for one of the most embarrassing and funniest ways ever to win a war through chemical weapons. Instead of shooting and stabbing and gassing and bludgeoning, one side could have gone up to the other and said, “Here. Hold this frog. We’ll be back in minute.”

1_thumb3_thumb_thumb
Names_thumb1_thumb_thumb

1a_thumb1_thumb_thumb

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1198

  1. Gracie says:

    Hey Impish!
    The poster of “Revolution Tools”…that’s true. Did anyone else notice that MINUTES after Obama announced the killing of Osama, there were hundred of young people celebrating in the streets? Minutes later. Scary, no?!

  2. lethalleprechaun says:

    Hey Dragon~

    a.) Leprechaun= MARINE not Army you dolt. I don’t take their tanks for a ride I tell them to follow me because we are always there 1st and the Army gets lost easy. While its TRUE that IS an army tank and I DID flip it, I was not driving it.
    Rather I was mad at them for trying to run over a fairie circle with it and taught them proper respect by flipping it for them.
    Actually its not that much harder than tipping a sleeping dragon over.

    b.) I have some really cool and colorful frogs for your dinner to night!

    • impishdragon says:

      I KNEW that! That’s why I said the maneuvers WITH the Army and not IN the Army. I know that English is not your first language but you need to learn and understand the nuances of the language. Next time I’ll try and translate it to Gaelic so it won’t speed past you so fast.

  3. lynn fux says:

    Oy,I was going to leave a really intelligent comment but now I am laughing to hard to think or type!!! Job well done as usual!! Cheers,Lynn

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s