Good Morning Campers,

Today is a very special day for two of our dearest friends that we’ve never met in real life.  But that’s the way it works in this marvelous world we’ve created.  Everyone here at the facility know who you guys are and they all wanted to join in on congratulating you. 

Ginny and Paul (also known as the Grumpy Old Man) are today celebrating their 49th Wedding Anniversary. Only one year away from Gold!  

Forty-nine years.

I can’t hardly imagine.

But, with these two wonderful friends, I’m sure it’s just a drop in the bucket.

Lethal Leprechaun and I talked about having a special announcement for you guys and we both wanted to be the one who put it together.  We played Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock; the best two out of three.  He won the first round, then he won the second round and that should’ve been the end of it, but I caught him cheating!  He had an extra rock up his sleeve!  Can you imagine?  He tried to tell me that it didn’t mean anything in Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock, but while he was explaining how it didn’t matter, I pushed him into a broom closet and propped a chair up against the door handle.  Then I ran into my office to type out this special wish for a wonderful and happy day.

Oh…and

 

Now, I have to go let Lethal out before he has a chance to think of too many ways to punish me.  But, he did have a rock up his sleeve…

…so it’s his own fault…

…right?…

…He’ll see it that way, too…

…right?…

Okay, maybe a hiding place would be better.  I gotta go.

Cheers,

Impish

Well I could sit here and talk about how our weather while unseasonably warm has gotten better wing to the influx of cooler dryer air bought on by northerly breezes or how a week from tomorrow they’re promising us Texas’ version of fall temps…mid 70’s during the day and high 50s to low 60s at night.

In fact there are a bunch of things I could talk about but we both know what you really want to know is more about what’s happening post Impish’s down the mine hole dive and reunion with his family so we’ll get right to that for a bit.

We left our heroes on the escape shuttle heading towards the underground high security entrance to DL/LL headquarters   When the shuttle glides to a halt, Impish who simply can contain his curiosity no longer and begins, “Okay, now Lethal…”

The Leprechaun holds up his hand sharply, scowling at Impish puts his one finger to his lips to indicate silence then smiles as he turn to the women and says, “Here we are ladies, are we ready for our little tour?” Without waiting for an answer, he ushers Impish, Mrs. Dragon, and the dragonette, all having transformed into their human forms for the sake of ease, through the double door airlock.  The Ninja kitties are still keeping close guard, with the exception of Sinatra ,who is still purring contentedly in the arms of Mrs. Dragon while making eyes at her. The majority CyberLethals stay outside the door forming double rank in front of it having produce what appear to be riot shields. Two however continue on with you

They enter a foyer where one of the security members, a Gargoyle sits behind a stone desk that, in-turn, sits behind a wall of crystal clear, despite its thickness, glass.  Izzy, the dragonette in human form, but still dressed in her black ninja costume, having transformed it with her when she turned human, pipes up with, “Dad, is that bulletproof glass Gary is sitting behind?”

Before Impish can answer, Lethal says, “Oh, tis more than that, my dear lass.  It’s a very special compound made down in our tech department…”

“Oh, down where Mr. Ken works?”

“Mr. Ken?  Oh, Kennerick Kobold.  How do you know all …. never mind.  Yes, tis made down in the labs.  It is much more than just bulletproof.  Let’s just say that anyone attempting to breach that little box, and thereby gain entrance into our headquarters is going to have to bring something a bit more powerful than say an AGM-65 guided missile.  Of course the ensuing blast such a device would generate will of course render their successfully breach a moot point as they will not survive it to exploit the breach. Now, if you will be so good as to all follow me.”

Lethal looks into what appears to be  the eye piece of a set of binoculars while both his hands are on glowing glass plates then blows into a tube and recites what might have been a nursery rhyme in Gaelic.  The security man waits a moment then gives a nod and a huge blast door, over three-foot thick begins to open much faster than a door that size would seem to be able to move.  It is also completely silent, giving an idea of the perfect balance involved in it’s creation.  As they enter the area beyond, the door behind them closes and a similar one in front begins to open.  This little process happens another two times for four blast doors total.

Finally they reach a bank of elevators with more security personnel in attendance.  Realizing how far underground they already are, it is a complete surprise to Izzy and Mrs. Dragon when they descend rather than rise.  After traveling downward for what seems a long time, they finally exit the rear of the elevator using a key Lethal supplies into an office reception area.

Umm…sorry to interrupt but saying this weeks issue is jamb packed is like saying Trump is a conceited money making real estate genius. We really need to press on before the server file explodes and we lose the issue. We’ll get back to this at the end…as long as nothing goes (digitally) boom.

Mean time…

‘Tis true. My attitude tends towards- ‘I’m up, dressed and attending to your silly assed problem which could have easily been avoided if you listened to me the first hundred times I warned you about this sort of thing so don’t press your luck with that Shine and Smile shit.’ In fact, on the weekends we used to actually have what was known as the 9 AM Rule.

The 9 AM Rule states that if you’re calling me or my house before 9AM on Saturday or Sunday someone/something better be in mortal danger, have died or be about to die, our car or apartment better be on fire or being broken into. You’d better be calling to give me a butt load of money/valuable free stuff or to inform me of anything else of like grave/monumental importance. You or any other female we know being pregnant does not apply as that technically won’t reach this level until she’s headed to the hospital to give birth.

If you’re in jail, have your lawyer call me after 9 AM or hold your one phone call until after 9 AM. Even better yet don’t call me at all- you got your silly ass into the jamb, don’t involve me in getting you out.

Now I actually have the 9 AM rule available as a function on my Galaxy 6 phone. It blocks everyone not in my favorites list from phoning me by sending them right to voice mail and not disturbing me with a notification sound if they text me from 9 PM at night until 9 AM, or until I cancel it which ever comes first.

A very select few know how to make their way around this in case of family emergencies on either side of the family.

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, “I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer’s mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week and when I return I expect to see it completed.”

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.

Furious, he called the artist in. “What the hell is this?” screamed the billionaire. “Why that’s exactly what you asked for” said the artist smugly. “No, I didn’t ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer’s last thoughts” “And there you have it” said the artist. “I call it, ‘Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians’

Hot Mom Caught Dancing In The Kitchen

 

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump walk into a bar and grab a booth.

Donald leans over, and with a smile on his face, says:

The media is really tearing you apart for that scandal.

Hillary: You mean the Mexican gun running?

Trump: No, the other one.

Hillary: You mean SEAL Team 6?

Trump: No, the other one.

Hillary: You mean the State Dept.  lying about Benghazi?

Trump: No, the other one.

Hillary: You mean voter fraud?

Trump: No, the other one.

Hillary: You mean the military not getting their votes counted?

Trump: No, the other one.

Hillary: The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?

Trump: No, the other one.

Hillary: You mean the drones in our own country without the benefit of the law?

Trump: No, the other one.

Hillary: Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million and right after it declared bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?

Trump: No, the other one.

Hillary: You mean Obama arming the Muslim Brotherhood?”

Trump: No the other one.

Hillary: The IRS targeting conservatives?

Trump: No, the other one.

Hillary: The DOJ spying on the press?

Trump: No, the other one.

Hillary: Sebelius shaking down health insurance executives?

Trump: No, the other one.

Hillary: Giving SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 months later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?

Trump: No, the other one.

Hillary: The NSA monitoring citizens’ phone calls, emails and everything else?

Trump: No, the other one.

Hillary: Obama’s ordering the release of nearly 10,000 illegal immigrants from jails and prisons, and falsely blaming the sequester?

Trump: No, the other one.

Hillary: Obama’s threat to impose gun control by Executive Order in order to bypass Congress?

Trump: No, the other one.

Hillary: Obama’s repeated violation of the law requiring me to submit a budget no later than the first Monday in February?

Trump: No, the other one.

Hillary:  The 2012 vote where 115% of all registered voters in some counties voted 100% for Obama?

Trump: No, the other one.

Hillary: Obama’s unconstitutional recess appointments in an attempt to circumvent the Senate’s advise-and-consent role?

Trump: No, the other one.

Hillary: The State Department interfering with an Inspector General investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?

Trump: No, the other one.

Hillary: Me, The IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?

Trump: No, the other one.

Hillary: I give up!   Oh wait, I think I got it!  You mean that 65 million low-information voters who don’t pay taxes and get free stuff from taxpayers and stuck citizens again with the most pandering, corrupt administration in American history?

Trump: THAT’S THE ONE!

And we’ll still have people vote for her after knowing all this !  That is why Democrat and Dumb ass are synonymous.

Share with anyone that wants to hear the hilarious truth

 

A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby.

Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse came in and said to him,

“Congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, five big baby boys.”

The redneck said, “I’m not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney.”

The nurse replied, “You might want to consider getting it cleaned. They’re all black

 

SO- I wasn’t planning on having any recipes this week as the issue is running very long and likely to get longer still before I’m done. Yeah. Then I got stupid and texted a friend who reads the blog a picture of Molly’s latest baking endeavor. Big mistake he alternated between begging for the recipe and toweling off his phone do to excessive drooling. That boy can drool almost as much and fast as Impish! I had to include it out of a sense o sheer self preservation! I was afraid his drool would start leaking though to my new phone!

For those of you who might not know or remember while I am the Chef in the house Molly is the Baker. Her specialty is Banana Bread. She’s been tweaking and perfecting her recipe since the age of like 12. It’s as close to heaven in a slice of baked goods as you can come, fresh but 100 times better when toasted the following morning and spread with a little butter for breakfast. It is manna in a loaf pan.

Or at least I thought it was until she decided she didn’t have enough bananas to make the usual two loaves let alone the three she needed to and decided to try combining her banana bread and pumpkin bread recipes into one bread.

if you’ll excuse me I just heard the toaster oven ding I have to go butter me a hot toasted slice of Banana Pumpkin & two Nuts Bread

 

Banana Pumpkin Bread

 

 

Prep: 20 m

Cook: 45 m

Ready; In 1 h 5 m

 

“This is a moist, tasty breakfast bread perfect with jam, margarine, or even cream cheese. Best of all, it’s low in fat!”

Ingredients

• 2 ripe bananas, mashed
• 2 eggs
• 1/3 cup vegetable oil
• 1 1/3 cups canned pumpkin puree
• 1/2 cup honey
• 1/2 cup white sugar
• 2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 2 teaspoons pumpkin pie spice
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 3/4 cup raisins (optional)
• 1/2 cup walnut pieces (optional)

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease an 9×5 inch loaf pan.
2. In a large bowl, stir together the mashed banana, eggs, oil, pumpkin, honey and sugar. Combine the flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, pie spice and cinnamon, stir into the banana mixture until just combined. Fold in the raisins and walnuts if desired. Pour batter into the prepared pan.
3. Bake at 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) for 45 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center of the loaf comes out clean. Cool loaf in the pan for 10 minutes before moving to a wire rack to cool completely.

She doesn’t like the raisins in the Pumpkin bread (they are not part of the Banana Bread recipe) and I prefer she use Crasians (dried cranberries). We also didn’t have the 1/2 cup of walnuts only about 1/3 of a cup so we went with a 1/4 cup each of walnuts and pecans instead.

Police in Irving, Texas arrested and later released high school student Ahmed Mohamed
for bringing what they believed to be a hoax bomb to school that was actually a homemade clock. [Click here for background] If only these police officers had some kind of handy guide to show them how to spot a terrorist plot…

The Top 5 Signs a School Science Project is Secretly a Terrorist Plot

5. Step five of a demonstration on the cycle of rain is NOT waterboarding spies.

4. It has a bar graph showing the number of post-death virgins vs. manner of death.

3. “How to make shoes out of C-4” seems a little suspicious even if they can reduce curvature of the spine from excessive walking.

2. It involves using generally-accepted scientific methods, instead of faith-based experimentation (for Texas only).

And the Number One Sign a School Science Project is Secretly a Terrorist Plot…

1. The trained hamsters are named Fat Man and Little Boy.

This one falls someplace between a PSA and a Cyber Security Alert actually.

Don’t just throw away your boarding pass. Shred it

What could possibly be dangerous about an airline boarding pass? It just has your name and destination on it, right? Unfortunately not, according to cybersecurity researcher Brian Krebs.

Krebs writes on his blog, KrebsOnSecurity, that one of his longtime readers saw a friend post a photo of one of his boarding passes on Facebook, including the barcode on it. The reader took a screenshot of the barcode on his friend’s website and uploaded it to the ClearImage Barcode Reader site. What he discovered shocked both him and Krebs.

Just by decoding the barcode, which anyone can do online, the reader discovered his friend’s personal information along with his frequent flyer number for Star Alliance, an organization comprised of 27 airlines. The barcode also revealed his friend’s “record key” for the Lufthansa flight, and that coupled with the frequent flyer number allowed him to view his friend’s future flights, change seats for anyone affiliated with the frequent flyer number and even cancel flights booked on the account.

Krebs points out the precautions some airlines take with frequent flyer numbers – for example, United Airlines uses asterisks for all but the last three numbers on any correspondence and on boarding passes, but the barcode reveals the number when decoded. This is obviously information you don’t want to share with the whole world, so next time you fly, be sure to destroy your boarding pass afterward.

Reporter gets angry and tells us the REAL news

 

Man and a woman had been dating for about a year and their relationship was taking a turn towards getting serious.

Man proposed and she accepted, however she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a baby’s.

He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn’t matter to him. He also told her that his penis was also like a baby.

She said that she loved him and size didn’t matter. Come the day of the wedding and all went well. That night the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at the resort hotel.

The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in the bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby. “Don’t worry honey” he said.

She took her night gown off and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen.

He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby. As he took his pants off the new bride said, “Good God All Mighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby” “It is,” he said, “9 pounds and 19 inches long!”

Tim Hawkins- Old Rock Star Songs

 

A businessman in the first class cabin decided to talk to the drop dead, gorgeous flight attendant ​with a trophy rack​.

“Businessman: What is your name?”

Flight Attendant:   “Angela Benz, sir.”

Businessman:   “Lovely name … any relation to Mercedes Benz?”

Flight Attendant:   “Yes sir, very close.”

Businessman:   “How close?”

Flight Attendant:   “Same price”

 

And here is a perfect reason why you shouldn’t

Texas girl, 10, bags 13-foot gator with crossbow

VICTORIA, Texas – A 10-year-old Texas girl now has some major bragging rights.  The hunter bagged an 800-pound alligator near Victoria, Texas.  And her weapon?  A crossbow!

Ella Hawk says she wasn’t even nervous because she has been hunting for several years.

The Victoria Advocate stated the 13-foot gator is ranked number one in the Trophy Game Records of the World database.

 

10 years old. With a crossbow. A weapon better than half as long as she is tall. Single head shot to it’s brain. She hit a target roughly the size of 3 olives, or put another way, a squirrel’s brain weighs in at roughly 7.6 oz. The alligators at 8.4, but the gators skull is at least 5 times the size of the squirrel’s entire body!

Gee Impish, isn’t the crossbow one of the weapons Izzy is getting tried with in her Ninja Assassin classes. As you mentioned last week, snakes are a distant cousin of Dragons. Aren’t gators an even closer cousin? I’m just sayin….

And in particular…

‘Cause they mess back…with silent & deadly weapons…and they can hit something the size of your ‘other’ head. Get my drift?

Albert Einstein was born March 14, 1879. He would be 136 if he were alive today.(2015) Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Löwenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919 At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA Connection.

This came to be known as Einstein’s Theory of “Relative Titty”

Oh, quit groaning! I don’t write this shit, I receive it from my warped friends and then post it here for you. After all, it beats the political crap I usually send to you!

 

There were four churches and a synagogue in a small Ohio town: a
Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic
church and a Jewish synagogue.  Each church and the synagogue had a
problem with squirrels.

The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about
their squirrels.  After much prayer and consideration they determined
the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t
interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the
baptistery.  The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the
baptistery and let the squirrels slide in and drown themselves.  The
squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how
to swim.  Twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm
any of God’s creatures.  So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and
set them free near the Baptist Church.  Two weeks later the squirrels
were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy.  They
baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the
church.  Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, but it’s rumored that
they took one squirrel and circumcised him.  They haven’t seen a
squirrel on their property since.

Lethal enters St Patrick’s Church confessional booth in Galveston, TX.

He tells the priest, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

Last night, after a few pints at Murphy’s Pub I beat the bloody shite out of a flag burner and an Obama supporter.”

The priest says, “My son, ‘tis here I am to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service.”

I have seen this before I’m sure you have too but it needs to keep circulating until everyone gets a chance to read it and react accordingly
~

Read S..L..O..W..L..Y IT REFLECTS THE FEELINGS OF A LOT OF PEOPLE.

The folks who are getting the free stuff don’t like the folks who are paying for the free stuff, because the folks who are paying for the free stuff can no longer afford to pay for both the free stuff and their own stuff. Therefore the folks who are paying for the free stuff want the free stuff to stop, but the folks who are getting the free stuff want even more free stuff on top of the free stuff they are already getting!

Now… The people who are forcing the people to pay for the free stuff have told the people who are RECEIVING the free stuff that the people who are PAYING for the free stuff are being mean, prejudiced, and racist. So… the people who are GETTING the free stuff have been convinced they need to hate the people who are paying for the free stuff by the people who are forcing some people to pay for their free stuff and giving them the free stuff in the first place. We have let the free stuff giving go on for so long that there are now more people getting free stuff than paying for the free stuff.

Now understand this:

All great democracies have committed financial suicide somewhere between 200 and 250 years after being founded.

The reason? The voters figured out they could vote themselves money from the treasury by electing people who promised to give them money from the treasury in exchange for electing them. The United States officially became a Republic in 1776, 238 years ago. The number of people now getting free stuff outnumbers the people paying for the free stuff. Failure to change that spells the end of the United States As we know it.

ELECTION 2016 IS COMING!

A Nation of Sheep Breeds a Government of Wolves

I all for PASSING THIS ON !!! For all our sake PLEASE Take a Stand!!!

Obama: Gone!
Borders: Closed!
Language: English only!
Culture: God, Constitution, and the Bill of Rights!
Drug Free: Mandatory Drug Screening before Welfare!
NO  freebies to: Non-Citizens!

Many won’t send it along.. What will you do?

They are greeted by the sight of the Weekday sisters, all dressed much more for a confrontation than for being the public face of a vast digital media corporation. They are approached by something that looks like a cross between Swamp Thing and a Shambling Compost Mound smelling faintly of brimstone. Brutus meows loudly and launches himself off Impish at the figure rapidly climbing it to peer in what now can be discerned as a shrouded hood and ask “Merrow?”

An impossibly deep and gravel chuckle can be heard as a huge red hand pulls the hood back to reveal a large head with slightly demonic features, sporting a a goatee, severely trimmed down horns and an unlit cigar.  Though all of this is hard to discern with the enthusiastic Brutus doing his best to rub himself all over the face, all at the same time. Despite this, the figure manages to get in a nod to Lethal and the terse report, “We’re good Mean & Green, everything went just like you said it would on their part, so our part went off without a hitch. The Pixie carrier rounds worked perfect and I got a pair over each target and each hit their target twice with those moon dust bombs. Targets never noticed or felt the moon dust hit them. The shifting tunnel sections have been activated and now the only place you can get from there is back out to the campground- eventually. Now if you’ll excuse me I’d like to give the Green Man back his clothes and I’m told by my friend here, that he and I have some pressing culinary business”

Ninja cat ears all perk up at the sound of this last part, even Sinatra stops trying his best moves on Mrs. Dragon to peer at the figure. “Hey you guys are on the clock! Get your head back in the game. You know I’d never do that to you. Yours will be waiting when you get off duty, but if something happens to those girls I’ve left instructions to feed your share to the snapping turtles in the moat!” Reassured all whiskers and ears go back into radar mode and Sinatra resumes his wriggling and purring in Mrs. Dragon’s arms.

As this has been going on, the Weekday sisters have been surreptitiously guiding the party off to one side of the reception areas where they quickly move to a small conference room and sit around a table. The ninja kitties take up strategic posts around the table while Lethal seats himself at the head, with Friday to his right. The rest of the sisters busy themselves seeing to coffee and pastries for everyone before taking up guard positions about the room.  In front of Lethal, a panel slides open in the table, a computer rising up in front of him.  After tapping on the key board for a few seconds he turns to the rest in the room and says, “Right, this room is now as secure as we can make it.  It’s obvious that we’ve been penetrated by A.S.S.H.A.T. so we must assume that it may not be completely secure.  But, I’ve done all I can to make it so. Even the N.S.A. satellites can’t scan this deep. The room is a giant Faraday Cage now which means no cell signal. The computer has has its camera and mic removed by me personally and it’s not connected to the Network or Internet.”

Lethal pushes a button in the table and a large monitor appears on the far wall. He types briefly on the keyboard in front of him and  a bunch of text appears on the screen. Impish quickly realizes it’s the same text that was on the tablet that Litigious Leprechaun showed him while pretending to hide behind it.

        It was a setup. All of it.

        Found a broom only semi burnt in mine with A.S.S.H.A.T. Logo burned in handle.

        Nose count on dwarves is off by one but we aren’t missing any.

        Fire was set.

        Suspect assassination attempt to be made on us any second.

        Flame angrily, grab me and dive into mine or we might both be dead.

DO IT NOW!  Leprechauns are not big on risking their necks for others, these are going to get jumpy and start disappearing at the first whiff of trouble and there are innocents on the field.

“That was just to get the Ladies, who knew nothing about what was going to happen this morning, up to speed with you and I, Impish. Now you may fire when ready Gridley with your questions.” Lethal punctuates this statement with a health slurp from his Notre Dame mug and a raised eyebrow.

“Well, my first question is …”  

“wait … where’s Izzy?” Mrs. Dragon suddenly asks.  No one else in the room looks around except Mrs. Dragon who is getting more and more upset.

Aww…and I see were all out of time! Guess the rest of this will have to wait for Impish to recount for you on Saturday! Gee, I sure hope Izzy didn’t fall in a well or nothing, Lassie doesn’t have security clearance for this level nor does she get along with the Ninja Kitties! Lots of really big really bad things lurking down this low in the mountain for a (mostly) innocent sweet young thing to run afoul of!

It’s Saturday morning, early.  Much earlier than normal, but you hurry to arrive at the campground, anxious to see how the coming confrontation plays out.  It’s still dark as you arrive and you are quite surprised to see that you are far from being one of the first ones there.  You check your watch and see that it’s 0630.  Twenty-five minutes before the time runs out on Impish Dragon.

Up near the stage, you see several women, gathered together, who seem to be whispering amongst themselves.  They seem very worried and keep looking towards the stage and towards the sky.  There is Ginny and Diaman, of course, but also Maggie and Leah.  For some unknown reason, Leah seems to be holding a bunch of lidless Tupperware bowls in her hands.

Off to the side of the stage you can see Paul who seems to be taking bet on one aspect of the spectacle or another.  You sidle a little closer and realize that he’s got several different schemes working at once.  A pool as to exactly what time Impish will show.  An over/under and odds on whether he shows at all.  Thinking about it, you’re pretty sure that Lethal Leprechaun probably has something to do with his set up, since he seems to have an electronic tote board and radar screen showing the local horizons.

At 0645, the Leprechaun himself shows up, coming up from the stage from the tunnels where all this started two weeks ago.  Your suspicions are tentatively confirmed when you see him glance over to Paul and raise an eyebrow and see Paul nod back to him.  As you wonder if this isn’t some sort of huge Ponzi Scheme thought up by Lethal Leprechaun, you realize that no, it’s not.  But, he’s not above taking any advantage of a situation monetarily that he can.

Lethal takes out a large pocket watch on a chain, attached to his green vest, winds it a few times and puts it back in his pocket.  He glances at the sky as he touches his ear and says, “Nothing?  Are your sure?  And you’ve done ops checks on all the equipment and know that it be working correctly?”  He listens for a few seconds longer, pulls his watch back out of the vest pocket and shakes his head.  “Okay, well keep me informed.”

He then turns to you, the audience and begins, “Ladies and gentlemen.  ‘Campers’, if you will.  I know that there is about 4 minutes left until Impish’s time runs out, but there is nothing on the radar and even if he was to appear on the horizon this very second, there’s not enough time for him to…”

Suddenly, directly overhead, a huge gout of flame appeared with an ear shattering roar and the air was rent with the beating of two powerful wings as a mighty blue dragon settled to the earth in front of the stage, having appeared out of nowhere.

Lethal Leprechaun was screaming into his microphone, “How did you miss that!!  What do you mean, you didn’t check the magical spectrum!  Just because he’s never used it before doesn’t mean he CAN’T!!  What the hell about Mythical Magical Creature don’t you understand!”  As Big Blue settles to the ground and tips his huge head downward to stare eye to eye with the much smaller green leprechaun, Lethal finishes, “We’ll continue this later…um…maybe.”  And locks hairy eyeball to hairy eyeball with the huge blue dragon.

“I believe you and I have an appointment.”

As Lethal looks back at the blue dragon, he considers that, although Impish rarely chooses to take this form, when he does, he has the full complement of dragon abilities: genius intellect, magical spells and abilities, magic resistance, as well as resistance to most weapons and arms unless of a superior magical quality.  Little things like resistance to fire, cold, acid, and the like are also to be considered.  But, being Lethal Leprechaun, he is not without his own innate abilities and planning and contingencies is his stock in trade.

Suddenly as if cued cries begin to erupt from all over the campground:

“Hey Blue Barney!”

“Yo! Giant Gecko”

“Impish you idiot!”

“Oh Pizza Slut”

“Wazzup Waddles?!”

“Baggage butt I’m over here”

“Dis way Titanic Tail!”

“Impish you Liberal Lizard!”

And so on and so forth until about 20 Lethal Leprechauns have made their presence known. When Impish turns back to the one he’s confronted, he sees that it’s not Lethal at all, but a Leprechaun dressed in Lethal’s clothing who appears to be wearing not one but two ear pieces. As he rapidly struggles to process this situation the imposter turns his tablet around as he appears to be trying to shield himself with it from a dragon’s rage so only Impish can see. On it is written a terse message.

It was a setup. All of it.

Found a broom only semi burnt in mine with A.S.S.H.A.T. Logo burned in handle.

Nose count on dwarves is off by one but we aren’t missing any.

Fire was set.

Suspect assassination attempt to be made on us any second.

Flame angrily, grab me and dive into mine or we might both be dead.

DO IT NOW. Leprechauns are not big on risking their necks for others, these are going to get jumpy and start disappearing at the first whiff of trouble and there are innocents on the field.

The huge blue dragon roars, shooting flame hundreds of feet into the air, one of his huge front claws reaches out and completely surrounds the leprechaun.  He leaps into the air, does a half twist and then dives nose first through the opening to the mine shaft on the stage and disappears.

You look around you, stunned.  Not sure at all what’s going on.  To you, it seems as though the huge blue dragon has just killed Lethal Leprechaun.  No other explanation is possible.  The silence in the campground is almost deafening.  Slowly, Ginny and Diaman unwrap themselves from each other’s arms and together they approach the stage, behind which their two truest friends have disappeared.

“I’m sure…” Diaman begins and falters.

Ginny picks up, “We know that this is hard, but…” She too falters, but Diaman picks up again.

“But, you should really stick around for the issue today.”

Ginny adds, “Maybe by the end, we’ll know more about what’s going on.”

And then both of them together say, “So Let’s Laugh!” as they both burst into tears and cling to each other as they walk off stage.

 

And there are two more ways….One is “Good Morning Campers”  and the other is “Are you ready?  Let’s Roll” from Dragon and Leprechaun Laffs

 

 

A Navy officer was cutting through the crew’s quarters of ship

 

An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished,

 

 

I would SO love to do this!!!!!!

 

 

And this is the basis for Dragon Laffs….to give you a very slight and tiny view of the life inside our heads.

 

We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

 

A candid shot of me and Mrs. Dragon at home.

 

This is hilarious!  If you can watch this, without laughing along with these guys, then you need to check yourself into the funeral home, cause you’re dead!  It’s called Helium Beer Test

 

 

 

It seems as though Jean shares a love with Lethal and I over all things science (fiction and non-fiction) and she has shared many videos and sites that she’s found.  This one is really pretty cool.  It’s called: How To Get To Mars.

 

You know….a little blue dragon could’ve easily fit inside that little capsule.

 

I love the pitcher’s look at the end.  Its like, “yeah, I meant to do that!”

 

 

 

We’re starting a new class in our Higher Education classroom.  Self-Defense for the Modern Woman.  This is our instructor.

 

 
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: Human Resources
It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated.
We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of TRY SAYING new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees. SO…
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the hell do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I’m certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fuckin way!!
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be shitting me.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh*t.
TRY SAYING: Of course I’m concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a sh*t.
TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my frigging problem.
TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the hell?!?!
TRY SAYING: I’m not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: F**K it. It won’t work.
TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?
TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his A*s.
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh*t and die.
TRY SAYING: So, you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my A*s.
TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF: F**K it! I’m on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your A*s!
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.
TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another darned meeting!!!
TRY SAYING: I don’t think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don’t give a sh*t.
TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s a frigging prick.
TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a ball busting bitch.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the hell you’re doing.

 

 

 

 

This one is directly from our great friend Strike Owl:

 

There is no life without water.  Because without water there is no coffee and without coffee I will kill you all!

 

Okay, please don’t write to me and tell me that it really wasn’t a young college student who wrote this, or that he wasn’t a law student, or whatever.  I don’t care.  I don’t care if it’s not true.  It is an excellently written piece WHOEVER wrote it.

DIVORCE AGREEMENT–
WRITTEN BY YOUNG COLLEGE STUDENT
The person who wrote this is a college student. Perhaps there is hope for us after all.

DIVORCE AGREEMENT

THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT’S BY A YOUNG PERSON, A STUDENT!!! WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I’LL VOTE FOR HIM.

 

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al: We have stuck together since the late 1950’s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a our separation agreement:

–Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

–We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.

–You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.

–Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.

–We’ll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and the coal mines, and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel.

–You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.

–We’ll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.

–You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens.

–We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO’s and rednecks.

–We’ll keep Bill O’Reilly, and Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.

–You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.

–You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.

–We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values.

–You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

–We’ll keep the SUV’s, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Volt and Leaf you can find.

–You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.

–We’ll keep “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” and “The National Anthem.”

–I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute “Imagine”, “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing”, “Kum Ba Ya” or “We Are the World”.

–We’ll practice trickle-down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.

–Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you might think about which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin & Charlie Sheen, Barbara Streisand, Keith Oberman, Bill Maher &(Hanoi) Jane Fonda with you.

P.S.S. And you won’t have to press 1 for English when you call our country.

 

 

Here’s another great and funny video! 

 

Chicago Tribune’s Best Tweet of the week.

“I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.”

 

 

 

The problem with political jokes is THEY get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~

We hang the petty thieves AND appoint the great ones to public office
~Aesop~

If we got 1/10 of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven.
~Will Rogers~

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is NO river.
~Nikita Khrushchev~

When I was a boy I was told that ANYBODY could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics, AND your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown~

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some MORE tunnel.
~John Quinton~

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by PROMISING to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling LIES about us, I will stop telling the TRUTH about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~

A politician is a fellow who will lay down YOUR life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be BETTER to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~

 

Okay, so that was a long and somewhat eclectic collection of funny and poignant political jokes.  Kinda like all the candidates we have running right now.  A collection of political jokes. 

A collection of political jokes…

…the candidates… are…

…um…jokes.

Okay, so never mind.  You are all too much asleep to get my subtle humor this morning.  Go get more coffee and I’ll wait.  Go ahead.  I won’t let anyone get ahead of you.  Consider us paused until you get back.

…

…

doobie, doobie, do….a scoobie, doobie, …..

…

Okay, you’re back, better now?  Good, let’s move on…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah, that ought to work!

 

 

 

Unbeknownst to anyone else, the following takes place underground…

Down in the mine tunnels well away from the opening Impish places the not Lethal down still being careful to block the tunnel with his back and wings. “Now, Mr. NOT Lethal Leprechaun, I want some answers quick before I give into my peckishness and flame roast me a Leprechaun snack! And where the hell are my wife and daughter!?”

The Leprechaun dusts himself off examines a claw rent in the coat he’s wearing before shooting his cuffs tugging on the jacket’s lapels. He turns squarely toward Impish and much to Impish’s shock jabs him in the nose with his finger before admonishing him “The name is Litigious Leprechaun Esq. Shyster & Titan of Torts. That threat constitutes verbal assault upon my person. You’ll do well to cease such remarks immediately before I use my Hyper Litigation App to file a million dollar lawsuit against you and serve you right where you stand you ungrateful potential defendant. Oh and in case cousin Lethal hasn’t mentioned me before, I’m chief legal counsel for them sue happy Scientologists and I have a winning (and profitable) track record for them. So you just threaten me again I dare you!”

Impish is flummoxed. Surely he’s not lost his touch at instilling bladder voiding fear! NAH! Can’t be it. Maybe it’s some weird facet of that whole lawyer and sharks not messing with each other thing. He begins to wonder if all Leprechauns are born brain damaged when it comes to fear of dragons or is it’s some lingering racial after effect of St Patrick having driven the snakes out of Ireland, Snakes being a cousin, albeit a very distant cousin, to dragons.  He is just wondering if that little green shyster can still run his app from inside a dragon’s stomach when a noise is heard ahead.

Suddenly a figure all dressed in black comes running out of a side tunnel surrounded by several smaller fleeter figures with glowing eyes. Just as the pain of small but extremely sharp claws being employed to climb his tail and back begins to register, he’s hit in his bread basket truck by the ninja apparel clad figure. “Dad! I’m so glad your safe and you listened to Uncle Litigious on that stage!”

As Impish hugs his littlest dragon tightly he hears the unmistakable sound of the Dragon Escape Shuttle drawing closer as well as the sound of more people coming out of the side tunnel. Mrs. Dragon, a Ninja Kitty lounging indolently in her arms with Bruce perched on her shoulder forces her way through the ring of CyberLethals in their Judge Dread body armor her eyes flashing angrily.

She latches onto the Littlest Dragon ear instinctively even though it’s covered by the high-tech ninja hood causing her to rise up on her toes. “Young lady you were told not to rush ahead it wasn’t safe. Honestly I don’t know what to do with you! At the very least you’re grounded…again.”

At the sound of Impish’s chuckle she rounds on him and uses the same ear pinch hold on his sizable nostril causing his tail to quiver in pain. “And you’ve got nothing to chuckle at chuckle head! Scaring the hell out of us like that running around when people are trying to kill you. Why if it wasn’t for Lethal grabbing us up, keeping us safe and trying to take our minds off of things by promising us a nice outing at Disney World I don’t know what we would have done.”

Just as she seems to be gaining speed and momentum in her tirade Lethal or at least what Impish assumes is the real Lethal steps out of the ring of CyberLethals and clears his throat. “A regular Norman Rockwell Hallmark moment ta be sure, but so far the only person that has listened at all to me is Impish. I remind you that just because we’re out of direct line of sight and/or fire doesn’t mean we’re not still in danger. If you’d all be so kind as to get on the escape shuttle we’ll use it for its intended purpose and escape to someplace safer. Litigious, I thank you and rest assured I will be withdrawing that complaint from the ABA. Please inform the rest of the lads, if and when you find them, that I consider their debts to me paid in full and that Impish thanks them for their aid. Oh and if you try using those clothes to impersonate me I’ll be the one making full use of the HyperLitigation App.”

Litigious tips his hat to Impish and Mrs. Dragon then walks carefully over to Littlest Dragon whose feline companions have sudden gone on furry alert. Reaching slowly into his vest pocket he produced a business card and hands it to the Littlest Dragon. “In case you want to litigate that grounding or sue your parents for…their excessive strictness causing you pain and suffering”

“LITIGIOUS YOU AMBULANCE CHASER!” At the same time a very deep growl is heard from the huge blue dragon in the tunnel.

“You say that like it’s so unprofitable! OK! OK! I’m going!” He disappears down the side tunnel being ‘escorted’ to his destination by two CyberLethals.

Impish dragon takes a moment to transform into his smaller, Impish form and begins, “Lethal what in the hell…” as they climb aboard the Dragon Escape Shuttle before being cut off.

“Shh! Hush now everyone. We’ll talk later Impish, not now, ‘Tis still nay safe here.”

“What the hell are you talking about? Of course it’s safe here! We’re in the tunnels surrounded by CyberLethals and heading for our Corporate HQ building. What’s not safe about that?”

In response Lethal simply narrows the beam then shines his pocket lamp at something on the floor of the Dragon Escaper Shuttle.

Good morning readers. Your golden ray of sarcastic sunshine has risen in all of his curmudgeonly Celtic glory!

As you can see from our banner Impish is still at large (in more ways than one) and I have begun calling in…uh…outside contractors in the security field to assist in the search. These guys are costly, brutal in their methods, but have proven track records of being extremely effective.

Hopefully by the end of today’s issue we’ll have Impish safely back home in spite of his self induce paranoia or  at least a strong lead on his whereabouts. If not, well I’m just going to have to take (regrettably) sterner and strong measures to get him to come in from the cold before this get out of hand

Mean time its another full packed issue of fun laughs and thought provoking I have for you let lets get right to it.

I’m getting fricking false Impish sighting just everywhere!

Yes, this is pretty early in the issue for a serious editorial by me. Yes, these are generally the province of my Parting Shots. However, I suspect my Parting Shots are often over looked and/or totally ignored. Well this subject is far too important to allow that to happen.

There is understandably a lot of talk and press coverage regarding the mass shooting Thursday in Oregon. The discussions range from what happen and its aftermath, to the unusual trend started by the Douglas County, Oregon, Sheriff John Hanlin of refusing to speak the shooters name and thereby denying him his ‘fame’, which if you ask me is more appropriately labeled ‘infamy’.  The issue of gun control, basically every aspect of this incident is getting hashed and rehashed incessantly except for the most important thing that happened that day.

A deed of life changing noble self sacrifice by someone who had already served his country and done more than his share. Some one who unhesitatingly stepped up and rewrote that check, knowing this time it most likely would be cashed for full face value- his life.

When the shooting broke out, Chris Mintz, 30, a military veteran and a former high school football player in Randleman, North Carolina, tried to save the lives of others.

“Tries to block the door to keep the gunman from coming in,” his aunt, Wanda Mintz, told a CNN affiliate in High Point, North Carolina.

“Gets shot three times,” his aunt said. “Hits the floor.”

“Looks up at the gunman and says, ‘It’s my son’s birthday today,’ ” his aunt said.

Still, there was no mercy. The gunman shot Mintz again. It’s not yet clear exactly how many more times, but both his legs are broken, said family members who talked to him by phone on his way into surgery.

Blocks the doorway.

With his own body.

Knowing he has no body armor.

No protection.

No way to defend or protect himself.

Knowing he’s already done his full measure for his Country and community to keep them safe.

Knowing he has a small child at home who might wind up remembering his birthday from that day forward as the Dad his father died.

Why? What would possess someone to do something so (on a purely survival instinct level) so utterly insane and life threatening? The answer is simple enough.

Heroism. The instinctive need to Protect and Defend those in danger regardless of personal cost. Plain and simple heroism.

That folks is something worth reporting on until every last reporter is sick of writing about it, until every last US citizen is tired of reading or hearing about it. Until every crazy with a manifesto and a gun, until every terrorist in every sleeper cell until every gang banger on ever corner understands that there are potentially tens thousands of Chris Mintzs out there lurking in every school in every theater, in every public place. Unlike Chris Mintz not all of them are unarmed, some will be able to protect them selves and actively defend against this wanton acts of senseless violence and thus hopefully turning the perpetrator into a victim of his own violence.

People like Chris Mintz.

Let’s get back to the issue shall we?

Humm..wonder if this is what Impish is really hiding from? Not from me over the mine fire etcetera, but from Mrs. Dragon and her +5 Cast Iron Skillet of Constant Consternation!

 

 

The Top 5 Reasons Superhenge is Better Than Stonehenge

Scientists discovered a Superhenge not far from the original Stonehenge in England.

 

5.) Not only is it larger than the original Stonehenge, it’s also twenty percent more absorbent.

4.) The original Stonehenge was supposed to be Superhenge, but the contractor never came back to finish it.

3.) Way more cupholders.

2.) While it may be bigger, Superhenge also uses courtesy lube.

And the Number One Reason Superhenge is Better Than Stonehenge…

1.) It’s open past 5 p.m., which is more than I can say for anything else in England

Carhenge is a replica of England’s Stonehenge located near the city of Alliance, Nebraska, on the High Plains region of the United States. Instead of being built with large standing stones, as is the case with the original Stonehenge, Carhenge is formed from vintage American automobiles, all covered with gray spray paint. Built by Jim Reinders, it was dedicated at the June 1987 summer solstice

Carhenge consists of 39 automobiles arranged in a circle measuring about 29 meters (95 ft.) in diameter. Some are held upright in pits 1.5 meters (4.9 ft.) deep, trunk end down, and arches have been formed by welding automobiles atop the supporting models. The heelstone is a 1962 Cadillac. Three cars were buried at Carhenge. Their “gravestone” is a car that reads: “Here lie three bones of foreign cars. They served our purpose while Detroit slept. Now Detroit is awake and America’s great!”

Carhenge replicates Stonehenge’s current “tumble-down” state, rather than the original stone circle erected between 2500 BC and 2000 BC.

In addition to the Stonehenge replica, the Carhenge site includes several other sculptures created from autos covered with various colors of spray paint.

Carhenge was conceived in 1987 by Jim Reinders as a memorial to his father. While living in England, he studied the structure of Stonehenge, which helped him to copy the structure’s shape, proportions, and size. Other automobile sculptures were subsequently added to the location of Carhenge, which is now known as the Car Art Reserve.  Carhenge was listed for sale in 2011 for $300,000.

Carhenge is used frequently in popular culture, and makes appearances in film, popular music, television programs and commercials.^[5] It is the subject of the 2005 documentary Carhenge: Genius or Junk?, and features in the 2007 travel book 1,000 Places to See in the USA and Canada Before You Die.

Carhenge will be in the path of the Solar eclipse of August 21, 2017.

A klaxon starts sounding and various screens around the room begin flashing  the above message. Lethal seems more subdued this week about the sighting alert and doesn’t move from his current position. He simply drops the mic to his ear piece in front of his mouth says ‘Lethal is up.’, listens a moment then asks ‘Contact location? MISSOURI?! Are you SURE? “Show me. ’ as he taps several keys on his tablet. The displays switch to showing the reported contact which he zooms in on:

“Congrats you bunch of Big Brother Bozos! That’s the closest you’ve come to something that looks like a Blue Dragon in a week! That’s a B-2 Bomber out of Whitman Airfield. Now, get back to work AND FIND ME IMPISH DRAGON!”

He double taps a button on his head set “Dispatch a full team to the area of Whitman AFB just outside of Knob Noster, Missouri. I suspect Impish might possibly be using the B-2 Bomber flights to camouflage his movements since they are about the closest thing in to the shape of a dragon flying. They’ll have to fly into Kansas City International it’s the closest facility that has a strip that will handle Shamrock One without displaying her special aeronautical attributes. It’s about 70 miles southeast to the town and 72 miles to the base then. Use of sedative loaded pies is authorized. We have to bring mister inventive and semi hysterical in before he hurts someone of himself. No-name come up with anything on the coffee as yet? Huh. What about those accounting entries? I see. Source of the fire? Fire Marshall or No-name get anywhere there yet? Evidence of a possible pyrotechnic device? Interesting. Say that again please? How is that possible? We both heard his claim that they had all been rescued and returned to their families. Do we have any single dwarves on the payroll or any reported missing? Well is he sure about his claim? Alright! Get me the work crew Foreman and his Lead men in my office in an hour and double check everybody really is accounted for.””

Sorry about that folks. Not only is Impish proving harder to catch than normal, but this whole thing is starting to smell way fishier than normal too. Seems there are more dwarves on the hidden security camera tapes than the rescued party by a count of one.

Mean time lets get back to the hunt issue shall we?”

Volkswagen admitted to falsifying emissions tests for diesel engines in 5 million cars by installing software that helped them fudge the data.

The Top 5 Volkswagen Excuses

5. What’s the big deal? Maria Shriver drives one of our cars and everyone cheats on her.

4. Smoking is really sexy.

3. We were targeting the Ashley Madison demographic.

2. We hired the same software engineer who installed Hilary’s server.

 

And the Number One Volkswagen Excuse…

1. We would have noticed the error if we hadn’t been inhaling all these toxic exhaust gasses for all these years.

 

 

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why. She told her son, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.” The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger “units” than his dad. His mother replied, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.” Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, “Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.”

Poor bastard is going to be found dead in some flop house, Redbox case for an action flick next to the TV with a Chili Cheese Fries in his mouth, half finished Haagen dazs shake on the night stand and a hypodermic of bacon grease still in his arm!

HEY CHICS! Here’s a flick for you!

 

 

Chicken Marengo

They claim this is a 4 step meal. Well I cut a step right out of that and use a package of  chicken tenders instead of having to slice the chicken breasts. Paillards are just thinly sliced scallops of meat (think stir fry). I’ll admit that using the tenders does lengthen to cooking times a bit but its offset by the not having to slice the chicken breast and have them partly frozen to do it. Even if you decide to slice the tenders in halves, thirds or quarters, (on the bias will get you that paillards appearance)  its still going to be way faster unless you buy presliced which you’ll wind up paying even more for then the chicken tenders.

Ingredients

3 large chicken cutlets, sliced into thin paillards (slice while partially frozen)
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
3 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 medium sweet onion, sliced
1/2 pound mushrooms, sliced
1 yellow bell pepper, seeded and julienned
2 tablespoons tomato paste
1/2 cup white wine
1/2 cup beef broth
1 (14-ounce) can chopped tomatoes
1/2 tablespoon butter

Directions

Season the chicken with salt and pepper, to taste, and lightly dredge in flour. In a large sauté pan, heat the oil over medium-high heat and add the chicken. Brown on both sides, until nicely golden, about 3 minutes per side. Remove from the pan and set aside on a plate. In the same pan, add more oil, if needed, along with the onion, mushrooms and peppers and sauté until softened and fragrant, but not limp, about 5 minutes. Season with salt and pepper, to taste. Stir in the tomato paste and cook a few minutes to cook out the raw flavor. Turn up the heat, and add the wine/wine to deglaze the pan and let it reduce for 2 or 3 minutes. Add the beef broth and tomatoes. Once the mixture begins to bubble, add the browned paillards and any juices from the chicken and reduce the heat to a simmer. Cook until the chicken is warmed through, about 3 minutes. Turn the heat off and stir in the butter. Transfer to a serving platter and serve immediately.

I transfer it to a platter of pasta, polenta, or mashed potatoes, you could even put it over rice if you wanted to. Mini spinach & cheese ravioli, tortellini or gnocchi would also work well. Heck ladle it in bowls and hand them out with hunks of hot fresh crusty bread and I doubt you’d get any grumbles about the meal!

Butterscotch Peanut Butter Bars

Ingredients

1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, room temperature, plus more for greasing
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 cup plus 1/4 cup creamy peanut butter
1 large egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup quick-cooking oatmeal
6 ounces butterscotch chips (about 1 cup)
1 cup confectioners’ sugar
4 tablespoons milk

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Grease a 9-by-13-by-2-inch baking dish with butter.

Using an electric mixer, cream the butter, granulated sugar, brown sugar and 1/2 cup of the peanut butter. Add the egg and vanilla. Sift the flour with the baking soda and the salt.

Mix the oatmeal into the flour and stir the flour into the creamed mixture. Spread the batter in the baking pan. Sprinkle the butterscotch chips over the batter and bake for 20 to 25 minutes, until browned around the edges.

Whisk together the confectioners’ sugar, milk and the remaining 1/4 cup of the peanut butter until smooth, then spread the glaze evenly over the warm bars. Allow to cool completely before cutting into squares.

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker are exploring the jungle and are captured by a fierce tribe.
The chief tells them, “The bad news is that we’ve caught you, we’re going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.”
The Frenchman says, “I take ze poison.” The chief gives him some poison; the Frenchman says, “Vive la France!” and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, “A pistol for me, please.” The chief gives him a pistol; the Brit points it at his head, says, “God save the Queen!” and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, “Gimme a fork.” The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and jabs himself all over — the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Blood gushes from every hole.
The chief screams, “What are you doing?”
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, “So much for your canoe, a**hole!”

They say revenge is a dish best served cold, well I’ve had this revenge in the blast chiller for a whole week. You see, last week shortly before the issue came out, some brassy bottle blonde from Jersey made a statement in the comments section where in I was referred to as ‘that little green fart’. Well as you might imagine I have taken umbrage with this description of me and since she is too old and decrepit to challenge to our normal method of resolving this sort of thing here at DL/LL Electronic Media (dueling with loaded skunks at 10 paces) I felt I had only one other option open to me. Blonde jokes.

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, “I slept with a Brazilian….” The blonde replies, “Oh my God! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?”

A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in the chair. The dentist said “Open Wide” “I can’t” The blonde said. “This chair has arms”

Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?

A: She found out Big Ben was only a clock.

Q: How do you get a blonde on the roof?

A: Tell her drinks are on the house.

Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?

A: It’s not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?

A: Because that’s where your supposed to wash vegetables.

Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?

A: To keep their ankles warm.

Q: How can you get a blonde to laugh on Saturday?

A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q:Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman?

A: You have to hollow out the head.

Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?

A: A thought.

Q: Why don’t blondes get coffee breaks?

A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins?

A: She couldn’t figure out who the other mother was.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde with a PhD in Psychology?

A: She’ll blow your mind, too.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?

A: It’s difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q: Why are blondes like corn flakes?

A: Because they’re simple, easy and they taste good.

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip-code on her thigh?

A: She wanted a lot of male in her box.

Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?

A: Some traffic signs say stop

Q: A blonde, brunette, and redhead are in the ninth grade; which one is the sexiest?

A: The blonde, because she is the only one that’s 18.

A blonde walks into a bar that has a sign marked: “For Men Only”. “I’m sorry, ma’am,” says the bartender. “We only serve men in this place.” “That’s OK, ” says the blonde. “I’ll take two of them…”

A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some dinner, and while she’s deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices the waitress’s name tag on her shirt. ”Gee, that’s nice. What did you name the other one?”

A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend’s dandruff problem. The redhead says “Why don’t you give him Head and Shoulders?” The blonde replies, “How do you give shoulders?”

See?! It’s working already!

This time there are no Klaxons or flashing screens. Lethal stops suddenly in the midst of telling the Patrons a joke and taps his head set. “Go for Lethal. OK I understand, which account? OK you have my attention continue. Two identical but from separate makers? We’re they shipped to the same location? I see. Has either been picked up as yet? OK well that would sort of jibe with the alleged Whitman area sighting then. Send me any images they have to the finished product or the graphic design to update the BOLO.

Why are we just hearing  about this now? Ah! No I understand. We’re probably lucky to learn of it this early given then circumstances. Let me say something I’ve been waiting a week to say- Good Job! No I already sent a team to the area after the B-2 false sighting. Yes, I think that it is a distinct possibility that he has been getting sporadic help but I can’t find out where from. Keep me posted. Out.

Well folks it looks like Impish finally made a mistake. He decided he needed a disguise to help him blend in. Unfortunately when you are that size you have a limited set of options for clothing unless like Impish you have it custom made. By tent makers. We’ve been alerted to two recent rush orders for the exact same garment (his  tablet dings) . Ah here is an image of it now:

As I said he made a mistake and hopefully this will help us catch up with him. I think I know where he’ll be going next in a general fashion. Apparently he’s hungry and there is only one way for him to attempt to mask large pizza purchases. But I have a surprise for him too. Watch the End of the issue.

 

 It’s the Coyote Principle, folks. It’s what separates common sense from liberalism.

 

California:

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor’s dog, then bites the Governor.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie “Bambi” and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
2. He calls animal control . Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a “coyote awareness program” for residents of the area.
7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
8. The Governor’s security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training on “The Nature Of Coyotes.”
9. PETA protests the coyote’s relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.

TEXAS :

The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
2. The buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that is why California is broke and Texas is not.

ATTENTION IMPISH DRAGON! Important Message Follows!

<Lethal appears on screen behind a desk hands folded >

Impish,

After the  disaster of two Saturday’s ago, September 19th, you immediately fled in panic before an investigation or examination of the facts could be undertaken.

So far any attempt to communicate with you in a non confrontational manner have failed, largely because you have taken great pains so shut off just about every electronic device you own in an attempt to thwart our tracking you. All attempts at face to face contact have ended with the contact personnel suffering minor injuries and you panicked flight from the scene before any meaningful dialog could be exchanged.

This situation cannot be permitted to continue. Though I possess the means with which to locate you and indeed even temporarily incapacitate you in theory, I am loathe to misappropriate the resource, even if it is of my design. It is plain from your application to date your daughter you set a great deal by her. Undoubtedly you hold Mrs. Dragon in the same high regard though I recognize an application to date your wife would not have had the same jocular result and undoubtedly led directly to incapacitating pain for you the next time she laid eyes on you. I want to assure you they are safe and secure in one of my myriad of safe houses and both enjoying themselves. I’ve chosen the location very carefully. you’ve never seen or heard of the property as to it’s location, well lets just say there is more then one angry Dragon skeleton on the property and let it go at that shall we?

I am taking the following step to induce you to make contact and discuss the terms of your coming in form the cold:

1.) If you have NOT voluntarily come in from the cold as of Dawn on Saturday October 10th 2015 (which will be construed as 06:55 AM CST), I will take your daughter out for her first date that afternoon and bring her home as everyone is leaving for church on Sunday morning.  No worries as I doubt given the transformation I expect in her that anyone will even recognize her.

Believe me when I say I will play the cool (but naughty) Uncle role and indulge her every whim. All those things you’ve been saying ‘OH HELL NO! Over your dead body my daughter!’? She’ll get or have them done.

Piercings (As in multiple and any place she desires them)? Check.

Shopping at Victoria’s Secret   Sure ‘nuff!

An hour or so in a couple of  Biker apparel places for all manner of biker chic apparel. You betcha! 

Next a trip to a tattoo shop for some body art. Knowing how she’s your daughter and your love of all things mythical excreta, I’m sure you can just imaging how heavily dragons snakes skulls, daggers and demonic visages will figure into these tats.

To take her mind off the tats we’ll follow that up with a trip to a gun shop where she can have her pick of anything she can competently handle- pistol, rifle, shotgun any or all of them. I’ll spend some time on the range with her too to make sure she can hit whatever she wants.

Meet and Greet time with Queen T along with an hour or so for Queen T to teach her a few of the more deadly arts females employ along with a discussions on the importance of asserting herself in the family dynamic as well as evidence (and body) disposal with relation to those who displease her. Ready and waiting!

Then its on to the real fun of the day. Partying at The Wolf’s Whistle Biker Bar! .

Essentially by the end of the date, she’ll have become the quintessential full fledged Jersey Girl Gang Member! Did I say she’d be home in time to do the the Strut of Parental Defiance on Sunday morning?

In the interests of maintaining our R rating, brevity and mercy to your (questionable) sanity I’m going to  stop there as I think I’ve made my point with regard to your daughter.

Now with regard to Mrs. Dragon, if that wasn’t enough to induce your compliance. I will largely repeat the performance, adapted of course for a more mature and experienced woman Sunday with Mrs. Dragon commencing with your daughter completing her strut of parental defiance.

For the Missus I have something different in mind, once she’s suitably pampered and properly gussied up to the point she feels all flirtatious and frisky I think we’ll have to immortalize the event for the ages with some risqué Glamour Shots session photos. By then she’ll be well primed and ready will join me in attending an Irish Fairie Hooley in Tir Na Nog.

Given what Fae wine does to humans with regard to inhibitions, the number of ‘A’ list male celebrities sure to be in attendance and Fae males love of new women, especially blondes (which she will be- platinum blonde) I’m sure that if she doesn’t find my lucky charms magically delicious we can locate her someone’s whose she does.

I hear Michael Douglas, George Clooney, Colin Farrell, Colin Quinn and Denis Leary will be in attendance along with Pierce Brosnan, Jason Statham, Antonio Bandaras and  Harrison Ford to name just a few. I know Odin will be in attendance and he’s rumored to have invited Zeus. You know what horn dogs those two are after a few kegs have been broached and I seem to recall them both being smitten with her at the last Christmas Party we invited them too. In fact, if I’m not mistaken, that’s the reason you demanded they be removed to the Company Formal Christmas Party Guest List.

You’re probably about ready to bust a blood vessel, gout flame or tail smash something about now. Please by all means go right ahead and do so. Indulge your temper as much as is required to get it under control. I want you clear headed and paying attention for the next bit. GO ahead, perfectly alright, I’ll wait. <Lethal is seen tapping fingers and whistling merrily for about 90 seconds while concentrating on something or someone off screen. Then he shrugs, slides a $5 bill across the desk off camera and returns his attention to the camera.>

Feeling better? Oh do stop ranting at me and pay attention I can’t hear you and you don’t scare me at this point. This is all entirely up to you. Neither knows anything other than I have promised them a fun filled weekend. That can be with you and your idea of fun, OR IT CAN BE WITH ME AND MY IDEA OF FUN. The choice is entirely up to you. You know what you need to do and when you need to do it by.

Your little campground is where this all started so it seems like a suitable place for it all to end. Dawn on Saturday October 10th 2015 (which will be construed as 06:55 AM CST), I suggest you be there. Oh! And this time? Over flights by ANY other dragons has already been posted as prohibited. Nice touch though that. I have to hand it to you, brilliant bit of misdirection that.

Oh and should you be thinking of swooping in and eating/flaming/taking me for a one way flight of no return please know you have been anticipated. Such an event will cause certain individuals to take certain actions which will no doubt prove extremely detrimental to your well being as well as your physical/mental health and overall happiness. To give you an idea of just what I mean…your daughter becomes the Caretaker of and the Protected of a certain group of cats. My understanding is the both Bruce and Clan mistress SC have taken a great shine to her. Just imagine for a moment the chaos that a single hormonal frustrated semi rebellious female teen ager can create when angered and employing a clowder of felonious felines with semi feral instincts and a penchant for violence which happens faster than your eye can perceive.

Mean while after receiving a mysterious fire proof file safe coded to her DNA your wife will no doubt be very busy filing for divorce while attempting to rip your genitals out thru your wallet by running up credit card debt for you rivaling the in default international loans total of some 3rd world nations.

No worries though pal, to keep you from stewing too much about these things I have arranged a nice round of TAG-The Assignation Game for you to play with a very large chain cigar smoking friend of ours. Uh..that is I THINK what I left him tells him it’s a game.

Dawn on Saturday October 10th 2015 (which will be construed as 06:55 AM CST), I’ll be waiting for you, or counting the hours until I can pick your daughter up and start her… bad girl awakening. <Screens go blank and dark.>

As you head towards your normal seating at the campground, you notice a large amount of Lethal Leprechaun’s mechanical minions milling around the crowd.  The line to enter the actual seating area is slowed by the presence of two of the security team stopping each person as they enter and holding up a round hoop on a handle and peering at them through it, then letting them pass.

As you get closer, you can hear them say, “Human.  You may pass.  Human.  You may pass.” as each individual is passed through.

You notice several other security members at anti-aircraft locations spread around the camp ground, their gazes locked on the sky.  There is also a large trailer, connected to a semi tractor with a large dish antenna looking thing on top going around and around, apparently searching the skies.

Most of the crowd is milling about, talking amongst themselves.  The conversation almost entirely concerning the absence of Impish and whether he could possibly even show up.  After about 45 minutes of waiting, people are beginning to pack up their things, finish their morning drinks and getting ready to set off for other things for their Saturday.  Even Ginny and Diaman moving through the crowds of people urging them to stay are starting to get a bit disbelieving themselves when suddenly, Lethal Leprechaun himself leaps from the trailer with the radar dish on top and says in a loud voice, “I’ve got a fast mover approaching from the east, ready your stations!”

A section of the top of the trailer slides to the side to reveal 16 surface to air missiles in a 4 x 4 launcher array.  As you watch, this missile launcher swivels toward the east. 

Just then, another voice yells from the trailer, “I’ve got another boggie approaching from the west! No make that two from the west!!”

As the missile battery swings toward the west one of the anti-aircraft gunners announces, “I’ve got several bandits inbound from the north.” While someone is yelling, “The south, the south, we’re being attacked from the south!”

Without any other warning, suddenly the skies over the campground are full of blue dragons.  Flying and swooping, some in formation, others dog fighting with still more blue dragons as you begin to wonder if they are going to be able to avoid hitting each other.

Lethal Leprechaun bellows, “Hold your bloody fire!  We can’t afford to piss off the draconian empire by firing at the wrong damn dragon.”  As his eyes looks to the skies, he continues, Anybody recognize our blue dragon up there?”

The aerial display goes on for more than an hour and the crowd has started to ooooh and aaahhhh over some of the great aerobatics being displayed by the blue dragons.

Suddenly, the dragons, simultaneously, all head towards the center of the campground at the same time, thinking that the entire group is going to crash in the middle you look on in horror as they all meet in the middle and then soar straight up in a large group only to all flower out in a bomb shell formation and as you watch, they all seem to head off toward the horizon in a different direction.

About the same time, a monitor screen rises smoothly up from the small hill where Impish usually stands, comes to life to reveal the image of your favorite blue dragon, Impish.

Good morning campers,

If you are viewing this recording then I’ve gotten to the point where it must be safe to do so.  If you aren’t viewing it then I want you to know that I love you all and …. wait …. if you aren’t viewing it, how will any of you know what it is I’m saying about not viewing it?

Anyway, I’m sorry for the late start this morning and for the misdirection with all my blue dragon friends flying around.  I hope they at least entertained you and that enough of you are still here to even view this recording.

Lethal, Impish faces the camera and seems to look at the exact opposite spot from where Lethal Leprechaun is standing.  I know you normally stand off to my right when I’m on stage and since this is recording and backwards I’m sure you’re off to my left right now, so that’s how I managed to look right at you.  I know it’s a freaky feeling, isn’t it?  You do it to me all the time. 

You hear Lethal mumbling, while standing exactly where Impish said he’d be but opposite of where he really is because it’s a video recording, not a bloody mirror, you daft dragon.

While continuing to look at the wrong spot, Impish continues, Anyway, Lethal, I wanted you to know that I have put out all the fires while this little distraction was going on.  All the dwarves that were missing have been returned to their families and have been duly compensated for their troubles with triple pay and a bonus.  All the equipment that was used was paid for by me out of my private funds and everything was put back exactly the way that it was.

If there are any other expenses that have been incurred, please let me know and I will gladly pay for them out of my own horde. 

As far as your Brown Gold, I maintain, that I personally had nothing to do with it.  I NEVER set up or serve the coffee that is left to the staff.

I will remain in hiding until such time as I …

As you watch the screen you can see the door behind Impish open up and standing there are several of Lethal’s minions.  Impish Dragon let’s out a blood curdling scream (not unlike the one made by a skittish 12 year old girl upon finding a spider in her sock drawer) he rapidly exits stage left to the sound of a horrendous crash and glass breaking.  The minions are seen moving off the same way.  There are sounds of more glass striking the ground and then one of the minions appears back in front of the camera.

“Boss, if you’re still watching this, it was just as you said.  He was at Mr. Gray’s old residence.  But he made it out through the back window and wall.  Cheap-ass ex-government housing.  Sorry, Mr. Leprechaun.”

Lethal Leprechaun turns to the lot of you, sitting there stunned.  “Well, as you can see “campers”, I have more work to do ahead of me…and you have an issue to get through.”

He exits back into the trailer amid shouting questions of whether this will allow Impish to return home or if he is still on the lam.  The radar dishes folds down, the triple A sites fold down and the whole group of them trundle off towards the mountain.  Diaman and Ginny are left stunned in the front with the other Patrons and the issue begins:  

Okay, folks, this is it.  The last plea this year for donations.  We’ve had 19 donations (Thank you very much to each and every one of you!) We are six short of our goal of 25.  Be that as it may.  If you’d like to help us out with our bills this year, which are due in one week, your help would be deeply appreciated.  Just hit the donation button to the right and follow the instructions.

Now, I’ll let you get back to the fun.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Too Soon?

 

You wonder what I look like at work?  Notice the burnt up computer in the background?  yeah, it wasn’t a good day.

 

And then there’s this one…

Okay, so it’s not my best work, but not bad for just five minutes.

 

 

Ain’t that the truth!  You know we just moved, and I’m sure, like us, most people have a drawer in their kitchen for lids.  Normally, one of the deeper drawers.  When we packed, we went through the lids and matched them all up with a container.  We had as many lids left over as we did lids that matched!  How the hell did they replicate themselves?

 

Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary.  However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia and learned if you drink too much of it, it’s likely Tequilya.

 

 

and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
* Very large hands

Q-12.. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
*No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q-13.. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack

When I read this aloud to my two lady dragons, the littlest one, Izzy Dragon, got about half of them right.

 

 

Here is a great riddle from Papa Dragon Most Senior… I couldn’t get it.  Think about it before scrolling down for the answer.

Can you answer all seven of the following questions

 

 

I tried that once at the doctor’s office when my wife was being weighed.  I got hit by my wife, my daughter and the nurse.

 

 

I’m sure by now, everyone has heard about the hurricane that’s working its way up the eastern shoreline.  And I’m also sure that for every weatherman out there, there’s another prediction as to where it will hit.

So, here is the latest prediction from the National Weather Service

One of the only professions there is where you can be wrong half of the time and still keep your job.

 

Kids, I have something important to tell you.
Don’t get annoyed with your parents asking “stupid” technology questions.  Especially when you think they should already know the answer.  Remember, these are the people who taught you how to use a toilet.  JUST HELP THEM!!!

 

 

If a man says you’re ugly, he’s being mean.

If a woman says you’re ugly, she’s envious.

If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.

 

 

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. 

While waiting for the Private First Class to finish brewing the coffee,   the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was “work” and how much of it was “pleasure?” 

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, “Sir, it has to be 100%pleasure. 

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why? 

“Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”

 

 

 

Yeah, there’s a bunch of other things we eat, too.

No kidding!!!! 

Ginny is a great person to have on our team.  Her and Paul both try to remind us of special holidays that arise and whether popular, like Thanksgiving or little known, like this holiday coming up on Monday, she helps to keep us on track.  This week she tells us:

Beats The Shit Out Of Ground Hog Day, Doesn’t It ?

And to that we reply, “It sure DOES!!”

 

 

My littlest dragon is rapidly approaching the age where she is going to want to start to date.  She asked me the other day when she could go out on a date and I told her when she was thirty-five.  She laughed, but then stopped when she realized that I wasn’t laughing.

So instead, I got this new “Application To Date My Daughter”

Application To Date My Daughter
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor, police record (must be clean) and references from three people who know you (must be judges, bankers and the like).
1. NAME _______________________________

DATE OF BIRTH ________________  PLACE OF BIRTH ____________  NAME OF DOCTOR WHO DELIVERED YOU __________________
2. HEIGHT ______________ WEIGHT __________    BLOOD TYPE ____________ ORGAN DONOR STATUS ___

I.Q _______ G.P.A.____________ SAT SCORES ____________
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________  BANK ACCOUNT # _____________

DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________   STATE (Better be this one and not out of state)_______
4. BOY SCOUT RANK____________________________________   PATCHES EARNED _____________
5. HOME ADDRESS _________________    CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP __________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?

___yes ___no
If No, EXPLAIN _______________________________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married _____________

8. Do you own a van? ______   A truck with oversized tires? ______ A waterbed? _________
Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? _____________________
(If “yes” to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises quickly with hands above your head)
9. In 50 words or less, what does “LATE” mean to you?_______________________________________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or less, what does  “DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER” mean to you? ________________________________________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does “ABSTINENCE” mean to you? _________________________________________________________________________________

12. Church you attend _____________   How often do you attend ______________________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister?

14. Answer by filling in the blank:

Please answer freely.

ALL answers are confidential
(That means I won’t tell anyone -ever- I promise.)
a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is_____________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my _____________
c) If I were bitten, the last place on my body I would want it to happen is ____________
d) A woman’s place is in the_____________
e) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is_____________
f) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is_____________
(NOTE: If your answer begins with “T” or “A”, discontinue.  Leave premises keeping your head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
g) I believe in dragons.   yes or no
h) How hot do  you believe a dragon’s breath to be when blown across your torso? ___________
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ____________________________________
Please Review the Following
Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them and eat them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car, mowing the lawn or painting the outside of the house?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
I SWEAR THAT I HAVE READ ALL THE RULES AND THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, DRAGON FIRE BREATH AND RED HOT POKERS.
Signature (That means sign your name)

____________________________________
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your application is approved, automatic disqualification will result. Annoy me enough and I will fly to your house in the dark of night and eat you in your sleep.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might want to watch your back).
This is your “last chance” to check your answers.
Perhaps you should check your response to question #10.
Do you still want to date my daughter?
_____ Yes, please accept my application
_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house (Recommended Answer).