Good Morning Campers,
Lots of stuff going on today. I’m on like day 26 without a day off. So, although I’m sure you don’t want to hear my whining and wingeing, I’ll spare you the complaints because I love you guys so much.
We have had at least one application filled out and posted on the comments page, if you watch the comments section you’ll notice that Lethal and have agreed to post our individual applications on Monday at 1800 hrs CST… so you’ve got that to look forward to.
In case you were wondering, it was Ginny who posted her application and she is urging all of you to do the same. Feel free to email us the application and I’m sure we can figure out how to post them to the blog.
Ginny dear, if you’d like to actually fill yours out and email it to me, I’ll be sure to post it here so it makes more since to those who just read your answers.
I received my feed back from my debriefing by return post just yesterday so here it is to share with you now. It is written in the narrative form for your further enjoyment.
A whirring/buzzing sound can be heard growing louder outside the French Doors leading to your personal balcony/landing pad at DL/LL HQ.
Suddenly the doors silently swing in as if you had used the remote you normally carried when landing on the patio. A small drone slowly flies in the room and does a half circle around you and your desk while maintaining its orientation on you.
Impish can make out a small camera which seems to be studying his facial features for a moment before the drone abruptly moves forward landing on the desk. It sits there silently its four rotors having ceased spinning for a moment before there is a faint click and the sound of something small and metallic striking the desk.
Immediately the electric motor whine returns and the four rotors spin back to speed and the drone lifts up sliding sideways before flitting out the French doors almost faster than you can turn your neck to follow it. Just as the drone clears the threshold the French Doors are swinging closed and locking.
Turning your attention back to his desk you see a familiar D.R.A.G.O.N. ISSUE titanium cased weather proof USB Drive that was not there before. As you’ve done previously, you note the time, guess-ta-mates how long ago the drone sat down on your desk then open a Yellow Page book turning to the page of the last two digits of the time. You then counts down the first two digits of the time in entries making note of the last 4 digits of the appropriate phone number as you were taught.
These digits you carefully enters on the tiny numeric pad on the case of the USB Drive. A faint click is heard but this time unlike the last time the keyboard does not flash green. Thinking back on your training you extract a special phone from a hidden compartment in your desk and send a brief text message.
Several minutes later Lethal walks in shuts and locks the door. He comes over to you desk looks and frowns at you pointing to a cable attached to your Lap top and to an Icon in your tray. Feeling the color creep up in your cheeks you hurry to disconnect yourself from the DL/LL Electronic Media’s electronic infrastructure. Nodding his satisfaction Lethal pulls out his pocket watch and holds a small fob on it close the the uncooperative thumb drive. Immediately a second click can be heard and the keypad flashes green then blue 3 times and now the end cap pops off. Lethal grunts and looks at you with a speculative raised eyebrow.
You insert it into a USB port on the lap top and wait a moment. The lap tops screen momentarily goes dark before a message appears.
MEMO
TO: Agent 40-DD Ice Blue
CC: Surly Senior Agent In Charge Mr. Green
FROM: EXECUTIVE GOVERNING GUIDANCE & OPERATIONS SECTION (E.G.G.O.S.)
RE: Official Finding: Analysis of Post First Mission After action Report, Mission Debriefing and the events thereof.
Our analysis of all relevant facts, reports, video, comments and the strongly worded and expressed opinions of your handler Mr. Green have been carefully reviewed, considered, and weighed. Here now are the official findings for you first mission.
1.) While it may not have been completed in the manner in which the mission was envisioned by its crafters it cannot be denied that you did in fact complete the mission despite some hampering issues in view of which you did not hesitate to adapt on the fly. You demonstrated a dogged dedication to the principle Charlie-Oscar-Mike at a level and with creative thinking that was wholly unexpected.
2.) We find that this level of dedication to mission completing regardless of circumstance coupled with your ‘unique creative thinking process’ will require more through and detailed mission briefing, preparation and equipping in the future to insure a lesser draw of attention to your activities. In the future you are prohibited from embarking on any mission until you have spoken with Mr. Green and he clears you to commence the operation.
3.) We find your assertion that you were in fact underequipped to undertake the mission both in your basic kit as well as in your transportation available to be true and accurate assertions by you. You are quite correct that a wearable framework for carrying equipment and packages while on missions should have been considered for you and provided prior to you being assigned a mission. Our only point of contention is why you didn’t chose raise this issue sooner or seek out Mr. Green with your concerns regarding the spottiness of your kit. It was our understanding you were provided with funds and several apparel shopping assistants to obtain the necessary persona appropriate wardrobe. Please submit an attached reply to your acknowledgement of this Finding addressing this apparent failing/short coming explaining why and how it occurred as well as providing a detailed time table for its correct as well as a list of any items or assistance you will need to achieve this correction. Be aware please that said response must be reviewed by your handler Mr. Green and receive his chop before being passed back to us for review.
4.) Pursuant to finding #2 above, we find that the mode of transportation you were forced to use (vehicle designation Dragon 3, a unimotorcycle with sidecar) while admittedly your best option at the time, was neither mission suitable due to its lack of securable storage, nor in keeping with your selected persona as it is not even remotely Steampunk in appearance. Since you were not actually kitted out fully in persona at the time and the fault for this is…debatable but not on point with this finding, we are disposed to over look this questionable choice, provided you agree to immediately relinquish said Dragon 3 and all associated components keys etc to Mr. Green. A new more suitable Dragon 3 will be provided to replace it. One which we hope addresses all the short comings shown my the unimotorcycle.
5.) Upon your relinquishing possession and all access to the vehicle designation Dragon 3, the unimotorcycle with sidecar you will be allowed to take possession and control over the new vehicle obtained specifically with you in mind shown here:
Given that there are in fact four separate and distinct storage areas on this vehicle, one of those being a (saddle) bag of holding which you specifically mentioned coupled with the fact that all 4 are lockable we are confident you’ll agree this meets all the requirements the current Dragon 3 is lacking as well as appears more suitable with regard to your persona, though admittedly it is more Diesel than Steam punk. Further, in the future should the situation warrant you using this vehicle and you have any suspicion that you may be transporting any item(s) which would not be best secured in one of the four available compartments for any reason we have made arrangements with Lethal Leprechaun for the employment on a per diem/mission basis of one of his Ninja Cat Clan to accompany you and provide security for the cargo.
6.) With regard to the events of Saturday 25 April 2015 in the Interrogation Room of D.R.A.G.O.N. H.Q.:
a.) We find that the venue chosen for your debriefing was wholly in appropriate and in fact not the scheduled authorized venue for such functions. The switch was apparently instigated by the late Mr. Tofu for reason(s) we at this point can only speculate about but presumably designed to make you as uncomfortable as possible thereby placing you at a distinct disadvantage. We find Mr.Tofu’s not realizing that you would interpret this as an adversarial environment shows a distinct lack of understanding of Dragons or a deliberate intent to provoke you. Either is unacceptable and changes to these internal procedures as well as manditory mythicla species familiarization will be forth coming at the earliest possible moment for all EGGOS & Agents.
b.) We regret the adversarial nature of the debriefing however we find plenty of blame to go around on both sides. It is readily apparent that Mr. Tofu took his job far too seriously. It is equally apparent that you however did in fact not take him or his job serious to an equal extent. We wish to make it clear Mr. Blue that they who push papers, bleat annoying in your ear during missions, ready your rides and equipment and plan said missions also serve regardless of which side of the front line their duties place them. Everyone here is a professional and has been recruited because they bring something unique to this organization, even if it is an OCD for meticulous documentation and organization. We are well aware that the requirements of one department in the fulfillment of their job may well prove odious, taxing and frustrating to those of another department however we require that from now on your refrain from expressing that frustrations by eating said irritant(s). Further you will be docked for the fire & water damage to the interrogation room as well as for the forensic clean up the table and the one way glass. Additionally it is likely that several persons will be seeking recompense for trouser cleaning and undergarment replacement bills from you. I suggest it is in your best interest of interpersonal relations for you make good on those requests.
c.) Given the the completeness and thoroughness of your after action report which is not only impressive and commendable but a rare and highly desirable trait in field agents EGGOS is hard pressed to see the relevance of the majority of Mr.Tofu’s line of questioning or his preconceived personal attitude towards you which we would point out you lost no time in confirming for him. While there were a few legitimate questions to be answered regarding your logic, line of thought and several unexpected choices, we find these could have been addressed much more efficiently by a return request for clarification of these points as opposed to an official debriefing session. Therefore and in no small part due to your method of demonstrating your frustration with those questions you deemed inappropriate &/or nit picking the following change is hereby made to your post mission procedures.
1.) No debriefings will be scheduled until all possible conversation/clarifications over your after action reports have proven unsuccessful in obtaining the necessary information required
2.) You will refrain from delivering anymore worn undergarments to debriefing officers unless specifically requested in writing and then only double bagged in hermetically sealed evidence bags which are to be delivered enclosed in the appropriate hazardous wastes container.
3.) Unless absolutely necessary all debriefings which you are forced to attend will be conducted with your debriefer in a remote hidden location via secure video conference for his/her protection. You will be held financially responsible for all damage physical and fire inflicted on the video equipment used for said conferences.
4.) Food & beverages appropriate for light snacking will be provided for you for debriefing sessions expected to last more than 20 minutes.
5.) Any debriefings requiring more than an hour will be conducted in 1 hour increments with mandatory 2 hour mediation (for you) breaks.
6.) Face to face debriefings will be conducted only in case of the most seriously FUBAR and/or expedient need situations (i.e. the loss or capture of an agent or a dangerous item)
7.) Finally in summation we find that while the events post mission were both regrettable and avoidable with some little extra effort on both sides that you completed your mission under the conditions both foreseen and unforeseen with little or no guidance, remarkable adaptability and demonstrating knowledge of situations and conditions we did not possess. It was not you that failed to meet our expectations rather as it turns out it was us who failed to meet yours. We find our expectations for you were unreasonable and unfounded due largely to a limited lack of understanding of the Dragon psyche coupled with our refusal to listen to someone with greater knowledge of the subject.
Your record will reflect an favorable comment regarding the mission completion and the skills you demonstrated.
With regard to the events of Saturday 25 April 2015 in the Interrogation Room of D.R.A.G.O.N. H.Q- we find insufficient grounds for any charges to be filed against you with regard to the death of Mr. Tofu. A notation will be made on your record of your contributing to the chain of events leading to his unfortunate demise but said notation will also note numerous mitigating factors were present making the event nearly unavoidable. Should you mange to refrain from any repeat incidents for a period of one year from this finding, all notation of your involvement will be expunged from your record.
This concludes this Finding Report.
You are cleared to proceeded to your transportation training and familiarization course location.
Good day Mr. Blue, this copy and the drive containing it will self destruct in 10 seconds.
Impish: So Mr. Green am I cleared to start mission learn to play with my new toys?
Mr.Green: Sure e’nuff boy-o….
Impish: Yippe! Paid play time! I’ve had my flight bag packed since Wednesday! I just need to tell Terrance I’m outta here and…
Mr.Green (loudly clearing his throat for attention)…as I was sayin….You’re sure e’nuff cleared…just as soon as you complete that report ta me liken and fire it off ta HQ like they asked Mr. Blue.
Our dragon glances at the French doors and then back to Mr. Green then frown of concentration on his face is a clear indication he’s weighing his chances at making a break for it.
Mr.Green reaches into the back of his coat and returns with the Sonombulizer. “Tis faster than you I am and no compunction about making you rewrite that explanation until the cows come home Saturday next and missing your training entirely while your asleep Mr. Blue. Plus I’ll make you attend Mr. Tofu’s Memorial Service and get up and say something nice about him in front of the entire Agency. Entirely your call Agent 40 Double D. Just how fast and lucky are ya feeling there now?
Needless to say, I finished the report in … well, maybe not record time, but fast enough so that today’s Last Word is a narrative of my first transportation meet and greet. I’m sure you’ll enjoy it. Until then…
Yeah…. me too!
UCLA STUDY
A study worth sharing with friends:
A study conducted by UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his ass while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected on this subject.
And good luck it is that I wish them!
A renowned psychologist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their little children.
After a few hours of talking and analyzing their words and behavior, he said: “I believe that you all suffer from some obsession.” He remarked.
He turned to the first mother and said, “You obviously have an obsession with food. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”
He turned to the second Mom. “Your obsession is money. And it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny,”
He turned to the third Mom. “Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on, Dick, let’s go“.
Ah, UFO jokes! Ain’t they wonderful? But you know, there must be some truth to UFOs…right?
Here’s a picture from where I live just recently:
The article I read called these “cloaked” UFOs.
Here’s some close ups.
I would be really interested in hearing from you guys about what you think about UFOs in general and if you’ve ever seen one.
Impish Dragon was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, ‘Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up my beloved Jersey Pizza!’
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Impish looked up again and said, ‘Never mind, I found one.’
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
‘Did you see the paper?’ asked Gallagher. ‘They say I died!!’
‘Yes, I saw it!’ replied Finney. ‘Where are ye callin’ from?’
Thanks to Ginny, the dear Jersey Girl for this one!
Walking into the bar, Lethal Leprechaun said to Charlie the bartender, ‘Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.’
‘Oh yeah?’ said Charlie, ‘And how did this one end?’
‘When it was over,’ Lethal replied, ‘She came to me on her hands and knees.’
‘Really,’ said Charlie, ‘Now that’s a switch! What did she say?’
She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.’
Gotta love the GIFs!
Impish Dragon was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
‘What was that for?’ he asked.
Mrs. Dragon replied ,’That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket.
Impish then said ‘When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.‘
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later Impish is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness he asked why she had hit him again.
Mrs. Dragon replied. ‘Your horse phoned’
My ears are still ringing!
Yup. And try asking your kids about phones with actual cords on them that plugged into the wall!!!
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time. “Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing”, I said.
Talking about my “doing something useful” seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was “only thinking of me” she said, and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys & gals.
I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She replied, “Are you nuts? You are 85 years old, and now you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?”
I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me, “Good grief, where are your glasses? This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.
“Oh man, I’m in trouble again; I really don’t know what to do… I signed up for five jumps a week.” The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.
Amen brother! Keep your sense of humor and all the other problems do seem to fade a bit.
The only cow in a small town in Poland stops giving milk, so the villagers buy one from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles.
Because the cow is so wonderful, they buy a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it.
However, whenever the bull goes near the cow, the cow moves away.
The people are upset and decide to talk to the sage.
They tell him what’s happening: “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from behind, she moves forward.”
The sage thinks about this for a minute and asks, “Did you buy this cow from Minsk?”
The people are dumbfounded. “Yes,” they say. “How did you know?”
The sage answers sadly, “My wife is from Minsk.“
Not sure exactly what’s going on here, but I could be convinced to participate.
This next one is from our dear “OLD” friend Paul…thanks Paul. Oh sorry, he didn’t hear me…
THANKS PAUL!!!!!
Age-Aggravated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first…
But then I think,
Since I’m going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.
I’m going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don’t accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye–they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I’m going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter ,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I’ll be looking for the remote,
But I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I’ll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn’t washed,
The bills aren’t paid,
There is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter,
The flowers don’t have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can’t find the remote,
I can’t find my glasses,
And I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I’m really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
And I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail….
Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don’t remember who I’ve sent it to.
Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!
P.S. I don’t remember who sent it to me, so if it was you, I’m sorry
A Mormon was seated next to Lethal Leprechaun on a flight from
London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
Our Leprechaun asked for a whiskey, which was promptly poured and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
Lethal then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too! I didn’t know we had a choice.”
Thanks to our dear Lady Ginny for figuring this one our for us. Now, I understand perfectly!
Washington State and Colorado recently passed two laws:
They legalized gay marriage and legalized marijuana. The fact that gay
marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect
Biblical sense.
Leviticus 20:13 says: “If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.”
Apparently we just hadn’t interpreted it correctly before!
Yeah, you guys ought to see what we use for security around DL&LL Enterprises! LOL!
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks about?”
St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move another minute.”
“Oh,” said the man, “Whose clock is that?”
“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”
“Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”
St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands are set at two minutes after midnight, indicating that Abe told only two lies in his life.”
“Where’s Obama’s clock?” asked the man
“Obama’s clock is in Jesus’ office.” St. Peter answered, “He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”
I got 8 packs of this in a cold pack mailed to me yesterday. To those of you of Jersey descent, you know EXACTLY what this is! And I AM IN HEAVEN!!!!!
The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a “more humane” solution to this issue.
What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. the males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, “Son, I don’t think you understand our problem here. These coyotes ain’t fuckin’ our sheep; they’re eatin’ ‘em!”
The meeting never really got back to order
A man was telling his buddy,
“You won’t believe what happened last night.
My daughter walked into the living room and said, “Dad,
do not pay off my college tuition loan, cancel my allowance,
throw away all my clothes and take my iPhone and laptop.
In addition, please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army.
Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and lock me out of your house.
Then, disown me and never talk to me again.
And, don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to anyone you choose.”
“Holy Smokes,” replied the friend, “She actually said that”?
The father replied: “Well, she didn’t actually put it quite like that.
What she said was, “Dad, meet my new boyfriend, Mohammed.
We’re going to work together on Hillary’s 2016 election campaign.”
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les’ wife, Sue, wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les’s wife followed and asked, ‘Did you see anything that you like under there?’ Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, ‘Well, you can have it but it will cost you $200.
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn’t, Jim should be at her house around 2PM. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les’s house at 2PM. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $200 – they went to the bedroom, and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his wife: ‘Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?’
With a lump in her throat Sue answered Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.’ Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, ‘And did he give you $200?’
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, Well, yes, in fact he did give me $200.
Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, ‘He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $200 from me. He promised he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.’
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player
Impish Dragon finally gets to do a meet and greet with his newest ride, a supposedly semi-sentient vehicle from history. She is designated C2B2 or Dragon 2, but historically, she was known as Chitty, Chitty-Bang, Bang. He walks around her admiringly, with his hands behind his back. Appraising the high gloss shine and polished copper and chrome piping, he even leans over in an attempt to see underneath. When he does, the vehicle rustles a little, seemingly sitting even closer to the ground. Impish decides he didn’t really see it and it was probably the wind blowing anyway. He doesn’t make much of the fact that there is no real wind to speak of at the moment.
“Let’s see, I need a ritual phrase for starting this thing. Uh… Lemme see…. ahem, ‘Spectacles, Testicles, Wallet & Watch’? Eh, I don’t wear glasses or a watch nor carry a wallet in the line of duty.”
“Hmm, ‘Atomic batteries to power! Turbines to speed! Ignition!’ Nah! Definitely not consistent with Steampunk or Dieselpunk. Maybe I should have said Rocket Man or Flash Gordon for my persona choice. Besides, the way they keep retreading Batman I’d wind up getting hit with copyright infringement.”
“’HI-HO! Away….’ NAH! I’d look dumb in a mask and somehow that only works if I could make the car pop a wheelie.”
“’TO INFINITY and…’ Nope too soon to retread that one too. Besides, Pixar is NASTY when it comes to copyright infringement! That poor little kid who made his own Buzz Lightyear costume instead of buying one? Kid’s parents are probably STILL paying for that one.”
“Oh well, Maybe I’ll just take it for a quick spin to grab some lunch and then go find a nice shady scenic spot to start reading through this War & Peace of a Manual. That might give me an idea or at least something to work with.” Impish jumps in, settles himself on the leather seats and looks around. “Humm…no key or starter button on the dash, nope not one on the floor either. Huh. Voice activated maybe?”
Impish raises his voice slightly and says, “Yo Chitty babe! Crank it girl! Start me up!”
A rather annoyed female voice with quite defined cockney accent is heard coming from the dash. “How about you get out and turn my cranker you bloody whanker? And I am most certainly not your babe; we ain’t even been formally introduced! In a polite civilized English society there is proprieties and one simply can’t abuse them, so. Why, you would think we were in the bloody Colonies!”
A huge smile envelopes Impish’s face, “Oooo! I just love that Eliza Doolittle Cockney flower girl accent thing you’ve got going on there girl, but I’m a secret agent and my ride is going to have to show a certain level of … shall we say … class to match my persona. And you can call me Mr. Blue. Now. Repeat after me…The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plains”
Spookily, the voice seems to be coming from under the dashboard, but no speakers can be seen anywhere. “The rain you should be worried about, you bloody wart, is the boiling pressurized kind I’m about to vent from my radiator all over you, if you don’t stop trying to teach me how to speak, Mr. forked tongue! You ain’t no Professor Henry Higgens and I am most decidedly not your girlfriend! Just as much as I am not your babe. Nor are those wretched tinkers who’ve been having their wicked way with me insides, without so much as a by your leave mum, even close to being any Caractacus Potts, I can bloody well tell you! And I’ll thank you not to be playing patty fingers under me bonnet either! Nor trying to peek up me knickers! I’m a lady and I’ve a reputation to think of! You may address me as Miss Bang!
Impish Dragon snickers, as he climbs back out of the auto and walking around the vehicle says, “Miss Bang- sounds like a stripper! This week only Miss Bang-Bangs will perform 5 shows at the Titty-Tat Club.” He breaks down into giggles. “Right, your reputation, as a fast woman with loose screws who will blow up at the slightest provocation? That reputation?”
There is a revving sound and in almost a growl, “Why, how dare you!” The vehicle suddenly rolls forward as the front tire comes to stop on top of Impish’s large foot.
Silently, the blue dragon pushes her back to her starting point, grabs some nearby lumber and chocks her wheels, front and back. “And now, for your information, Miss Bang-Bangs, this is ‘the colonies’ and I dare because I know your history; race car of notable record, for which we can argue about the split of the credit between you and the driver. You got pushed really hard at the end of one race which you were in contention to win when on top of this your driver attempted to avoid a girl and her dog and you couldn’t take the pressure, quite literally. You crashed and caught fire in quite spectacular fashion. You were sent back to your garage or more precisely relegated to a barn to be forgotten until the Potts children found you and persuaded their somewhat of a nutter inventor father Caractacus to fix you up. Little did anyone know that you were going to wind up playing the Monster on four wheels to Caractacus Potts’ Dr Frankenstein with a wrench.”
“And since we’re discussing history, Chitty BABE, all of that and your little jaunting adventure happened roughly a century ago. You’d still be slumbering in rust, still waiting to be discovered by a marauding band of termites or metal thieves if it wasn’t for me and my little green friend … well ok, mostly for Mr. Leprechaun, but it was my need that made him obtain and wake you.”
Impish switches to a bad imitation of Chitty’s accent before continuing, “And spent a right bit o coin on you, too, he has too me crumpet. What with all the restoration work to your trousseau not to mention all the work where you were showing your age under your bonnet and below your hems. You could be and by the end of us, you will be, the slightest bit grateful for the (Lord I hope it was and is correctable) unintentional gift of gab.”
“Unhand me this very instant! You’ll kindly refrain from taking any such liber…The Colonies? Asleep a century? THE COLONIES?! As in across the pond? America? The British Empire’s ungrateful rude upstart whelp? THOSE colonies?”
“Yes. Exactly. Those colonies. The United States of America, my girl. The Greatest adventure in democracy ever conceived or delivered upon, created by Great Men whose vision far outshined their own lives.”
“Now, little miss Banger, we WILL be working together. Adventure, excitement and the life of a spy. You can either get on board,” and Impish raises his voice to a true draconic roar, “OR I CAN BLOODY WELL PUT YOUR SODDING UNGRATEFUL FOUR WHEELS BACK WHERE WE FOUND THEM, DISCONNECT YOUR BATTERY AND LEAVE YOU FOR ANOTHER BLOODY CENTURY TO RUST AND BE NIBBLED ON BY TERMITES!”
A terrific roar comes from the engine compartment, the rear wheels start spitting dirt as they are engaged and running fast enough to not catch traction. Wings fold out from the outside of the sides of the vehicle and she crashes against the chocks, but is unable to move. Impossibly the engine runs even harder and Impish is worried that she will overheat and explode, he reaches down, kicks the chocks out of the way and jumps back as Chitty, Chitty-Bang, Bang leaps forward and is shortly airborne and headed skyward.
“Bloody damn aristocratic minded females.” He mumbles as he, too leaps skyward and takes flight after her.
As a magical car is no match for a magical dragon in the flight department, Impish quickly catches up and flies beside the car. “Listen Miss Bang, is it too much to ask for you to be happy with your new life? There are some really neat things we’ve given you and we’ve moved you into a quasi Steampunk, Dieselpunk sort of design. Can’t you at least think about it? I’d really like for us to be friends as well as working partners.”
They fly side by side in silence for so long that Impish is beginning to believe that she either didn’t hear him or is incapable of conversation in flight when her voice comes to him across the open air. “I do miss Caractacus, Truly and the children, Jemima and Jeremy…and we really did have fun with our adventures. I haven’t…I haven’t really had any friends after them. I remember being put into that horrid barn when I was put aside for a newer model.” Impish can almost hear a tear in her voice and notices coolant dripping out from underneath. “Would … would our adventures be something like that? Like going after Baron Bomburst and … and … the toymaker?”
Impish chuckles, “Oh Chitty, darlin’, you ought to SEE the bad-guys we get to go after now a century later. It’ll be GREAT fun! Those others were ametures compared to the fiends we get to play with nowadays!”
“Really? And you said I get new toys to play with? Like … like this one?” Suddenly a door opens in the bottom of her body, a Gatling gun slides straight down, and folds till it is pointing forward and 20mm shells come pouring out from underneath. In an almost sexually excited voice she says, “Oh baby! Momma LIKES this!”
She suddenly banks hard left and down and heads for a beach covered in seagulls. The two friends spend the next hour chasing seagulls up and down the empty cliff side where C2B2 discovers several other weapons at her disposal and Impish sprays fireballs at the feathered pests. “After all,” Impish comments at one point to Chitty, “They’re just rats with wings.”
After frightening a nest of young Chimeras, and having Impish explain that just because they look monstrous doesn’t mean that they’re bad, Impish settles back into the leather seat behind the steering wheel as they glide down to the surface roads and begin the drive back to the headquarters of DL&LL Enterprises, filling Chitty in on some of the background of the company and what might be expected of the pair of two new – if not quite friends yet – companions.
Dragon Laffs 