Dragon Laffs #1456


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It’s Saturday morning, early.  Much earlier than normal, but you hurry to arrive at the campground, anxious to see how the coming confrontation plays out.  It’s still dark as you arrive and you are quite surprised to see that you are far from being one of the first ones there.  You check your watch and see that it’s 0630.  Twenty-five minutes before the time runs out on Impish Dragon.

Up near the stage, you see several women, gathered together, who seem to be whispering amongst themselves.  They seem very worried and keep looking towards the stage and towards the sky.  There is Ginny and Diaman, of course, but also Maggie and Leah.  For some unknown reason, Leah seems to be holding a bunch of lidless Tupperware bowls in her hands.

Off to the side of the stage you can see Paul who seems to be taking bet on one aspect of the spectacle or another.  You sidle a little closer and realize that he’s got several different schemes working at once.  A pool as to exactly what time Impish will show.  An over/under and odds on whether he shows at all.  Thinking about it, you’re pretty sure that Lethal Leprechaun probably has something to do with his set up, since he seems to have an electronic tote board and radar screen showing the local horizons.

At 0645, the Leprechaun himself shows up, coming up from the stage from the tunnels where all this started two weeks ago.  Your suspicions are tentatively confirmed when you see him glance over to Paul and raise an eyebrow and see Paul nod back to him.  As you wonder if this isn’t some sort of huge Ponzi Scheme thought up by Lethal Leprechaun, you realize that no, it’s not.  But, he’s not above taking any advantage of a situation monetarily that he can.

Lethal takes out a large pocket watch on a chain, attached to his green vest, winds it a few times and puts it back in his pocket.  He glances at the sky as he touches his ear and says, “Nothing?  Are your sure?  And you’ve done ops checks on all the equipment and know that it be working correctly?”  He listens for a few seconds longer, pulls his watch back out of the vest pocket and shakes his head.  “Okay, well keep me informed.”

He then turns to you, the audience and begins, “Ladies and gentlemen.  ‘Campers’, if you will.  I know that there is about 4 minutes left until Impish’s time runs out, but there is nothing on the radar and even if he was to appear on the horizon this very second, there’s not enough time for him to…”

Suddenly, directly overhead, a huge gout of flame appeared with an ear shattering roar and the air was rent with the beating of two powerful wings as a mighty blue dragon settled to the earth in front of the stage, having appeared out of nowhere.

Lethal Leprechaun was screaming into his microphone, “How did you miss that!!  What do you mean, you didn’t check the magical spectrum!  Just because he’s never used it before doesn’t mean he CAN’T!!  What the hell about Mythical Magical Creature don’t you understand!”  As Big Blue settles to the ground and tips his huge head downward to stare eye to eye with the much smaller green leprechaun, Lethal finishes, “We’ll continue this later…um…maybe.”  And locks hairy eyeball to hairy eyeball with the huge blue dragon.

“I believe you and I have an appointment.”

As Lethal looks back at the blue dragon, he considers that, although Impish rarely chooses to take this form, when he does, he has the full complement of dragon abilities: genius intellect, magical spells and abilities, magic resistance, as well as resistance to most weapons and arms unless of a superior magical quality.  Little things like resistance to fire, cold, acid, and the like are also to be considered.  But, being Lethal Leprechaun, he is not without his own innate abilities and planning and contingencies is his stock in trade.

Suddenly as if cued cries begin to erupt from all over the campground:

“Hey Blue Barney!”

“Yo! Giant Gecko”

“Impish you idiot!”

“Oh Pizza Slut”

“Wazzup Waddles?!”

“Baggage butt I’m over here”

“Dis way Titanic Tail!”

“Impish you Liberal Lizard!”

And so on and so forth until about 20 Lethal Leprechauns have made their presence known. When Impish turns back to the one he’s confronted, he sees that it’s not Lethal at all, but a Leprechaun dressed in Lethal’s clothing who appears to be wearing not one but two ear pieces. As he rapidly struggles to process this situation the imposter turns his tablet around as he appears to be trying to shield himself with it from a dragon’s rage so only Impish can see. On it is written a terse message.

It was a setup. All of it.

Found a broom only semi burnt in mine with A.S.S.H.A.T. Logo burned in handle.

Nose count on dwarves is off by one but we aren’t missing any.

Fire was set.

Suspect assassination attempt to be made on us any second.

Flame angrily, grab me and dive into mine or we might both be dead.

DO IT NOW. Leprechauns are not big on risking their necks for others, these are going to get jumpy and start disappearing at the first whiff of trouble and there are innocents on the field.

The huge blue dragon roars, shooting flame hundreds of feet into the air, one of his huge front claws reaches out and completely surrounds the leprechaun.  He leaps into the air, does a half twist and then dives nose first through the opening to the mine shaft on the stage and disappears.

You look around you, stunned.  Not sure at all what’s going on.  To you, it seems as though the huge blue dragon has just killed Lethal Leprechaun.  No other explanation is possible.  The silence in the campground is almost deafening.  Slowly, Ginny and Diaman unwrap themselves from each other’s arms and together they approach the stage, behind which their two truest friends have disappeared.

“I’m sure…” Diaman begins and falters.

Ginny picks up, “We know that this is hard, but…” She too falters, but Diaman picks up again.

“But, you should really stick around for the issue today.”

Ginny adds, “Maybe by the end, we’ll know more about what’s going on.”

And then both of them together say, “So Let’s Laugh!” as they both burst into tears and cling to each other as they walk off stage.

 

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6

And there are two more ways….One is “Good Morning Campers”  and the other is “Are you ready?  Let’s Roll” from Dragon and Leprechaun Laffs

 

1587

 

A Navy officer was cutting through the crew’s quarters of ship

one day and happened upon Jon reading a magazine with
his feet up on the small table in front of him.
“Sailor! Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?”
the officer demanded.
 
“No, sir, Jon replied, but we don’t land airplanes on the
roof either.”

 

! BIRDBRAINS Drop-In Template.ai

An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished,

came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: “George and the
Dragon.” He knocked. The Innkeeper’s wife stuck her head
out a window. “Could ye spare some victuals?” He asked. The
woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. “No!” she shouted.
“Could I have a pint of ale?” “No!” she shouted. “Could I at
least sleep in your stable?” “No!” she shouted again. The
vagabond said, “Might I please…?” “What now?” the woman
screeched, not allowing him to finish. “D’ye suppose,” he asked,
“that I might have a word with George?”

 

1589

 

100

I would SO love to do this!!!!!!

 

 

6l

And this is the basis for Dragon Laffs….to give you a very slight and tiny view of the life inside our heads.

 

This is a transcript between a commuter and the railroad company, regarding services of the latter:
“Gentlemen:
I have been riding trains daily for the last twenty-two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
A Commuter”

The reply to the above:

“Dear Sir:

We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely, Western Railways”

And the Counter-Reply was:

“Gentlemen: I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass… That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last twenty-two years!
Yours truly, A Commuter”

 

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Pizza_at_our_place

A candid shot of me and Mrs. Dragon at home.

 

This is hilarious!  If you can watch this, without laughing along with these guys, then you need to check yourself into the funeral home, cause you’re dead!  It’s called Helium Beer Test

 

1590

 

 

It seems as though Jean shares a love with Lethal and I over all things science (fiction and non-fiction) and she has shared many videos and sites that she’s found.  This one is really pretty cool.  It’s called: How To Get To Mars.

 

You know….a little blue dragon could’ve easily fit inside that little capsule.

 

1591

I love the pitcher’s look at the end.  Its like, “yeah, I meant to do that!”

 

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “Don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
 
“Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there! Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that’s exactly what I did.”

 

 

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We’re starting a new class in our Higher Education classroom.  Self-Defense for the Modern Woman.  This is our instructor.

 

 
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: Human Resources
It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated.
We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of TRY SAYING new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees. SO…
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the hell do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I’m certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fuckin way!!
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be shitting me.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh*t.
TRY SAYING: Of course I’m concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a sh*t.
TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my frigging problem.
TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the hell?!?!
TRY SAYING: I’m not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: F**K it. It won’t work.
TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?
TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his A*s.
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh*t and die.
TRY SAYING: So, you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my A*s.
TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF: F**K it! I’m on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your A*s!
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.
TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another darned meeting!!!
TRY SAYING: I don’t think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don’t give a sh*t.
TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s a frigging prick.
TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a ball busting bitch.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the hell you’re doing.

 

102

 

101

 

6n

 

This one is directly from our great friend Strike Owl:
103

 

There is no life without water.  Because without water there is no coffee and without coffee I will kill you all!

 

Okay, please don’t write to me and tell me that it really wasn’t a young college student who wrote this, or that he wasn’t a law student, or whatever.  I don’t care.  I don’t care if it’s not true.  It is an excellently written piece WHOEVER wrote it.

DIVORCE AGREEMENT–
WRITTEN BY YOUNG COLLEGE STUDENT
The person who wrote this is
a college student. Perhaps there is hope for us after all.

DIVORCE AGREEMENT


THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT’S BY A YOUNG PERSON, A STUDENT!!! WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I’LL VOTE FOR HIM.

 

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al: We have stuck together since the late 1950’s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a our separation agreement:

–Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

–We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.

–You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.

–Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.

–We’ll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and the coal mines, and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel.

–You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.

–We’ll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.

–You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens.

–We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO’s and rednecks.

–We’ll keep Bill O’Reilly, and Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.

–You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.

–You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.

–We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values.

–You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

–We’ll keep the SUV’s, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Volt and Leaf you can find.

–You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.

–We’ll keep “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” and “The National Anthem.”

–I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute “Imagine”, “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing”, “Kum Ba Ya” or “We Are the World”.

–We’ll practice trickle-down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.

–Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you might think about which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin & Charlie Sheen, Barbara Streisand, Keith Oberman, Bill Maher &(Hanoi) Jane Fonda with you.

P.S.S. And you won’t have to press 1 for English when you call our country.

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a14

a15

a16

a17

a18

 

 

Here’s another great and funny video! 

 

Chicago Tribune’s Best Tweet of the week.

“I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.”

 

 

1592

 

Apolitical Aphorisms
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~Jay Leno~

6a

The problem with political jokes is THEY get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~

6b

We hang the petty thieves AND appoint the great ones to public office
~Aesop~

6c

If we got 1/10 of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven.
~Will Rogers~

6d

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is NO river.
~Nikita Khrushchev~

6e

When I was a boy I was told that ANYBODY could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~

6f

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics, AND your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown~

6g

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some MORE tunnel.
~John Quinton~

6h

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by PROMISING to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~

6i

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling LIES about us, I will stop telling the TRUTH about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~

6j

A politician is a fellow who will lay down YOUR life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~

6k

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~

6o

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be BETTER to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~

6p

 

Okay, so that was a long and somewhat eclectic collection of funny and poignant political jokes.  Kinda like all the candidates we have running right now.  A collection of political jokes. 

A collection of political jokes…

…the candidates… are…

…um…jokes.

Okay, so never mind.  You are all too much asleep to get my subtle humor this morning.  Go get more coffee and I’ll wait.  Go ahead.  I won’t let anyone get ahead of you.  Consider us paused until you get back.

doobie, doobie, do….a scoobie, doobie, …..

Okay, you’re back, better now?  Good, let’s move on…

 

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Assume

Bowling

In the land of the nerds

In_Memoriam

Inadequacy

 

 

9b

 

1593

 

9d

 

1594

 

9e

 

1595

 

9f

 

1596

 

9g

 

1597

 

9h

Yeah, that ought to work!

 

1598

 

9i

 

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Unbeknownst to anyone else, the following takes place underground…

Down in the mine tunnels well away from the opening Impish places the not Lethal down still being careful to block the tunnel with his back and wings. “Now, Mr. NOT Lethal Leprechaun, I want some answers quick before I give into my peckishness and flame roast me a Leprechaun snack! And where the hell are my wife and daughter!?”

The Leprechaun dusts himself off examines a claw rent in the coat he’s wearing before shooting his cuffs tugging on the jacket’s lapels. He turns squarely toward Impish and much to Impish’s shock jabs him in the nose with his finger before admonishing him “The name is Litigious Leprechaun Esq. Shyster & Titan of Torts. That threat constitutes verbal assault upon my person. You’ll do well to cease such remarks immediately before I use my Hyper Litigation App to file a million dollar lawsuit against you and serve you right where you stand you ungrateful potential defendant. Oh and in case cousin Lethal hasn’t mentioned me before, I’m chief legal counsel for them sue happy Scientologists and I have a winning (and profitable) track record for them. So you just threaten me again I dare you!”

Impish is flummoxed. Surely he’s not lost his touch at instilling bladder voiding fear! NAH! Can’t be it. Maybe it’s some weird facet of that whole lawyer and sharks not messing with each other thing. He begins to wonder if all Leprechauns are born brain damaged when it comes to fear of dragons or is it’s some lingering racial after effect of St Patrick having driven the snakes out of Ireland, Snakes being a cousin, albeit a very distant cousin, to dragons.  He is just wondering if that little green shyster can still run his app from inside a dragon’s stomach when a noise is heard ahead.

Suddenly a figure all dressed in black comes running out of a side tunnel surrounded by several smaller fleeter figures with glowing eyes. Just as the pain of small but extremely sharp claws being employed to climb his tail and back begins to register, he’s hit in his bread basket truck by the ninja apparel clad figure. “Dad! I’m so glad your safe and you listened to Uncle Litigious on that stage!”

As Impish hugs his littlest dragon tightly he hears the unmistakable sound of the Dragon Escape Shuttle drawing closer as well as the sound of more people coming out of the side tunnel. Mrs. Dragon, a Ninja Kitty lounging indolently in her arms with Bruce perched on her shoulder forces her way through the ring of CyberLethals in their Judge Dread body armor her eyes flashing angrily.

She latches onto the Littlest Dragon ear instinctively even though it’s covered by the high-tech ninja hood causing her to rise up on her toes. “Young lady you were told not to rush ahead it wasn’t safe. Honestly I don’t know what to do with you! At the very least you’re grounded…again.”

At the sound of Impish’s chuckle she rounds on him and uses the same ear pinch hold on his sizable nostril causing his tail to quiver in pain. “And you’ve got nothing to chuckle at chuckle head! Scaring the hell out of us like that running around when people are trying to kill you. Why if it wasn’t for Lethal grabbing us up, keeping us safe and trying to take our minds off of things by promising us a nice outing at Disney World I don’t know what we would have done.”

Just as she seems to be gaining speed and momentum in her tirade Lethal or at least what Impish assumes is the real Lethal steps out of the ring of CyberLethals and clears his throat. “A regular Norman Rockwell Hallmark moment ta be sure, but so far the only person that has listened at all to me is Impish. I remind you that just because we’re out of direct line of sight and/or fire doesn’t mean we’re not still in danger. If you’d all be so kind as to get on the escape shuttle we’ll use it for its intended purpose and escape to someplace safer. Litigious, I thank you and rest assured I will be withdrawing that complaint from the ABA. Please inform the rest of the lads, if and when you find them, that I consider their debts to me paid in full and that Impish thanks them for their aid. Oh and if you try using those clothes to impersonate me I’ll be the one making full use of the HyperLitigation App.”

Litigious tips his hat to Impish and Mrs. Dragon then walks carefully over to Littlest Dragon whose feline companions have sudden gone on furry alert. Reaching slowly into his vest pocket he produced a business card and hands it to the Littlest Dragon. “In case you want to litigate that grounding or sue your parents for…their excessive strictness causing you pain and suffering”

“LITIGIOUS YOU AMBULANCE CHASER!” At the same time a very deep growl is heard from the huge blue dragon in the tunnel.

“You say that like it’s so unprofitable! OK! OK! I’m going!” He disappears down the side tunnel being ‘escorted’ to his destination by two CyberLethals.

Impish dragon takes a moment to transform into his smaller, Impish form and begins, “Lethal what in the hell…” as they climb aboard the Dragon Escape Shuttle before being cut off.

“Shh! Hush now everyone. We’ll talk later Impish, not now, ‘Tis still nay safe here.”

“What the hell are you talking about? Of course it’s safe here! We’re in the tunnels surrounded by CyberLethals and heading for our Corporate HQ building. What’s not safe about that?”

In response Lethal simply narrows the beam then shines his pocket lamp at something on the floor of the Dragon Escaper Shuttle.
7

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6 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1456

  1. Leah says:

    And the sequel will be: How To Get To Mars and not get a littering ticket!

    • lethalleprechaun says:

      Nah too much money spent rescuing Matt Damon from Mars and too much attention focised on Mars rover pictures.
      Nobody would help underwrite the cost and besides we might get caught on camera and be labeled Martians.
      Homeland would demand our Intergalatic Passports and the whole thing would get…complicated.

      Besides as much as we Irish like our potatoes, I’ve no interest in traveling all the way to Mars to eat grown in human waste.
      Some culinary lines should just not be crossed- EVER!

  2. Ginny says:

    Nice job in creating laffs for us on a Saturday morning. It starts our weekend plans in a much better frame of mind. You two should get busy writing a book about dragons and leprechauns…and their mythical magic.

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