As you head towards your normal seating at the campground, you notice a large amount of Lethal Leprechaun’s mechanical minions milling around the crowd.  The line to enter the actual seating area is slowed by the presence of two of the security team stopping each person as they enter and holding up a round hoop on a handle and peering at them through it, then letting them pass.

As you get closer, you can hear them say, “Human.  You may pass.  Human.  You may pass.” as each individual is passed through.

You notice several other security members at anti-aircraft locations spread around the camp ground, their gazes locked on the sky.  There is also a large trailer, connected to a semi tractor with a large dish antenna looking thing on top going around and around, apparently searching the skies.

Most of the crowd is milling about, talking amongst themselves.  The conversation almost entirely concerning the absence of Impish and whether he could possibly even show up.  After about 45 minutes of waiting, people are beginning to pack up their things, finish their morning drinks and getting ready to set off for other things for their Saturday.  Even Ginny and Diaman moving through the crowds of people urging them to stay are starting to get a bit disbelieving themselves when suddenly, Lethal Leprechaun himself leaps from the trailer with the radar dish on top and says in a loud voice, “I’ve got a fast mover approaching from the east, ready your stations!”

A section of the top of the trailer slides to the side to reveal 16 surface to air missiles in a 4 x 4 launcher array.  As you watch, this missile launcher swivels toward the east. 

Just then, another voice yells from the trailer, “I’ve got another boggie approaching from the west! No make that two from the west!!”

As the missile battery swings toward the west one of the anti-aircraft gunners announces, “I’ve got several bandits inbound from the north.” While someone is yelling, “The south, the south, we’re being attacked from the south!”

Without any other warning, suddenly the skies over the campground are full of blue dragons.  Flying and swooping, some in formation, others dog fighting with still more blue dragons as you begin to wonder if they are going to be able to avoid hitting each other.

Lethal Leprechaun bellows, “Hold your bloody fire!  We can’t afford to piss off the draconian empire by firing at the wrong damn dragon.”  As his eyes looks to the skies, he continues, Anybody recognize our blue dragon up there?”

The aerial display goes on for more than an hour and the crowd has started to ooooh and aaahhhh over some of the great aerobatics being displayed by the blue dragons.

Suddenly, the dragons, simultaneously, all head towards the center of the campground at the same time, thinking that the entire group is going to crash in the middle you look on in horror as they all meet in the middle and then soar straight up in a large group only to all flower out in a bomb shell formation and as you watch, they all seem to head off toward the horizon in a different direction.

About the same time, a monitor screen rises smoothly up from the small hill where Impish usually stands, comes to life to reveal the image of your favorite blue dragon, Impish.

Good morning campers,

If you are viewing this recording then I’ve gotten to the point where it must be safe to do so.  If you aren’t viewing it then I want you to know that I love you all and …. wait …. if you aren’t viewing it, how will any of you know what it is I’m saying about not viewing it?

Anyway, I’m sorry for the late start this morning and for the misdirection with all my blue dragon friends flying around.  I hope they at least entertained you and that enough of you are still here to even view this recording.

Lethal, Impish faces the camera and seems to look at the exact opposite spot from where Lethal Leprechaun is standing.  I know you normally stand off to my right when I’m on stage and since this is recording and backwards I’m sure you’re off to my left right now, so that’s how I managed to look right at you.  I know it’s a freaky feeling, isn’t it?  You do it to me all the time. 

You hear Lethal mumbling, while standing exactly where Impish said he’d be but opposite of where he really is because it’s a video recording, not a bloody mirror, you daft dragon.

While continuing to look at the wrong spot, Impish continues, Anyway, Lethal, I wanted you to know that I have put out all the fires while this little distraction was going on.  All the dwarves that were missing have been returned to their families and have been duly compensated for their troubles with triple pay and a bonus.  All the equipment that was used was paid for by me out of my private funds and everything was put back exactly the way that it was.

If there are any other expenses that have been incurred, please let me know and I will gladly pay for them out of my own horde. 

As far as your Brown Gold, I maintain, that I personally had nothing to do with it.  I NEVER set up or serve the coffee that is left to the staff.

I will remain in hiding until such time as I …

As you watch the screen you can see the door behind Impish open up and standing there are several of Lethal’s minions.  Impish Dragon let’s out a blood curdling scream (not unlike the one made by a skittish 12 year old girl upon finding a spider in her sock drawer) he rapidly exits stage left to the sound of a horrendous crash and glass breaking.  The minions are seen moving off the same way.  There are sounds of more glass striking the ground and then one of the minions appears back in front of the camera.

“Boss, if you’re still watching this, it was just as you said.  He was at Mr. Gray’s old residence.  But he made it out through the back window and wall.  Cheap-ass ex-government housing.  Sorry, Mr. Leprechaun.”

Lethal Leprechaun turns to the lot of you, sitting there stunned.  “Well, as you can see “campers”, I have more work to do ahead of me…and you have an issue to get through.”

He exits back into the trailer amid shouting questions of whether this will allow Impish to return home or if he is still on the lam.  The radar dishes folds down, the triple A sites fold down and the whole group of them trundle off towards the mountain.  Diaman and Ginny are left stunned in the front with the other Patrons and the issue begins:  

Okay, folks, this is it.  The last plea this year for donations.  We’ve had 19 donations (Thank you very much to each and every one of you!) We are six short of our goal of 25.  Be that as it may.  If you’d like to help us out with our bills this year, which are due in one week, your help would be deeply appreciated.  Just hit the donation button to the right and follow the instructions.

Now, I’ll let you get back to the fun.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Too Soon?

 

You wonder what I look like at work?  Notice the burnt up computer in the background?  yeah, it wasn’t a good day.

 

And then there’s this one…

Okay, so it’s not my best work, but not bad for just five minutes.

 

 

Ain’t that the truth!  You know we just moved, and I’m sure, like us, most people have a drawer in their kitchen for lids.  Normally, one of the deeper drawers.  When we packed, we went through the lids and matched them all up with a container.  We had as many lids left over as we did lids that matched!  How the hell did they replicate themselves?

 

Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary.  However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia and learned if you drink too much of it, it’s likely Tequilya.

 

 

and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
* Very large hands

Q-12.. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
*No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q-13.. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack

When I read this aloud to my two lady dragons, the littlest one, Izzy Dragon, got about half of them right.

 

 

Here is a great riddle from Papa Dragon Most Senior… I couldn’t get it.  Think about it before scrolling down for the answer.

Can you answer all seven of the following questions

 

 

I tried that once at the doctor’s office when my wife was being weighed.  I got hit by my wife, my daughter and the nurse.

 

 

I’m sure by now, everyone has heard about the hurricane that’s working its way up the eastern shoreline.  And I’m also sure that for every weatherman out there, there’s another prediction as to where it will hit.

So, here is the latest prediction from the National Weather Service

One of the only professions there is where you can be wrong half of the time and still keep your job.

 

Kids, I have something important to tell you.
Don’t get annoyed with your parents asking “stupid” technology questions.  Especially when you think they should already know the answer.  Remember, these are the people who taught you how to use a toilet.  JUST HELP THEM!!!

 

 

If a man says you’re ugly, he’s being mean.

If a woman says you’re ugly, she’s envious.

If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.

 

 

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. 

While waiting for the Private First Class to finish brewing the coffee,   the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was “work” and how much of it was “pleasure?” 

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, “Sir, it has to be 100%pleasure. 

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why? 

“Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”

 

 

 

Yeah, there’s a bunch of other things we eat, too.

No kidding!!!! 

Ginny is a great person to have on our team.  Her and Paul both try to remind us of special holidays that arise and whether popular, like Thanksgiving or little known, like this holiday coming up on Monday, she helps to keep us on track.  This week she tells us:

Beats The Shit Out Of Ground Hog Day, Doesn’t It ?

And to that we reply, “It sure DOES!!”

 

 

My littlest dragon is rapidly approaching the age where she is going to want to start to date.  She asked me the other day when she could go out on a date and I told her when she was thirty-five.  She laughed, but then stopped when she realized that I wasn’t laughing.

So instead, I got this new “Application To Date My Daughter”

Application To Date My Daughter
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor, police record (must be clean) and references from three people who know you (must be judges, bankers and the like).
1. NAME _______________________________

DATE OF BIRTH ________________  PLACE OF BIRTH ____________  NAME OF DOCTOR WHO DELIVERED YOU __________________
2. HEIGHT ______________ WEIGHT __________    BLOOD TYPE ____________ ORGAN DONOR STATUS ___

I.Q _______ G.P.A.____________ SAT SCORES ____________
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________  BANK ACCOUNT # _____________

DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________   STATE (Better be this one and not out of state)_______
4. BOY SCOUT RANK____________________________________   PATCHES EARNED _____________
5. HOME ADDRESS _________________    CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP __________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?

___yes ___no
If No, EXPLAIN _______________________________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married _____________

8. Do you own a van? ______   A truck with oversized tires? ______ A waterbed? _________
Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? _____________________
(If “yes” to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises quickly with hands above your head)
9. In 50 words or less, what does “LATE” mean to you?_______________________________________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or less, what does  “DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER” mean to you? ________________________________________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does “ABSTINENCE” mean to you? _________________________________________________________________________________

12. Church you attend _____________   How often do you attend ______________________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister?

14. Answer by filling in the blank:

Please answer freely.

ALL answers are confidential
(That means I won’t tell anyone -ever- I promise.)
a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is_____________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my _____________
c) If I were bitten, the last place on my body I would want it to happen is ____________
d) A woman’s place is in the_____________
e) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is_____________
f) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is_____________
(NOTE: If your answer begins with “T” or “A”, discontinue.  Leave premises keeping your head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
g) I believe in dragons.   yes or no
h) How hot do  you believe a dragon’s breath to be when blown across your torso? ___________
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ____________________________________
Please Review the Following
Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them and eat them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car, mowing the lawn or painting the outside of the house?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
I SWEAR THAT I HAVE READ ALL THE RULES AND THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, DRAGON FIRE BREATH AND RED HOT POKERS.
Signature (That means sign your name)

____________________________________
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your application is approved, automatic disqualification will result. Annoy me enough and I will fly to your house in the dark of night and eat you in your sleep.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might want to watch your back).
This is your “last chance” to check your answers.
Perhaps you should check your response to question #10.
Do you still want to date my daughter?
_____ Yes, please accept my application
_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house (Recommended Answer).

The seems to be a great deal of hustle, bustle and activity going on as you exit the escalator on the conference room floor. Building security is apologetically denying anyone the use of the elevators which now apparently temporarily require pass keys to access.

At every level when you change escalators there are strange looking guards. They appear to be CyberLethals dressed in body armor very reminiscent of the Mega City Police Force in the Judge Dredd movies. Magical Dancing Shelleigh seem to have replaced stun batons but there are holstered side arms that look astonishingly like Lawgiver 2000s.

As you cautiously enter the Conference Room, you see a bevy of activity on the stage area. People in suits at tables labeled for different agencies talking on phones, headsets and at computer screens. Four others are busily updating a very large Plexiglas map of the US while several dusty, dirty dwarves smelling strongly of peat smoke alternate between coughing, drinking water and updating two other people in front of a diagram that resembles a mine cross section. Roughly 20 % of the tunnels are colored in red.

Lethal looking slightly the worse for his near capture of Impish is sporting a black eye and bruised left side of his face, his customary top hat, abet with a hastily scrawled sign “BOSS MAN” jammed in the hat band is currently standing in the middle of the seating area talking up at the big screen which has been divided into 6 smaller screens.

“Alright, listen up, people. Our fugitive has been on the run for approximately One Hundred Twenty hours now. His average waddle speed over uneven ground barring injuries is 1.5 miles-per-hour. While his flight speed  maxes out at Mach 0.9 That gives us a radius of between 180 miles and just about anywhere inside CONUS.

What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every Restaurant , residence, warehouse, Pasta house, farmhouse, Pizza house henhouse, Taco house outhouse Sorority house cat house bawdy house and doghouse in that area.

Checkpoints go up every fifteen miles Air patrols every One Hundred miles Concentric . Your fugitive’s name is Impish Dragon. He’ll scream he has Diplomatic Immunity, well not from his business partner he doesn’t. When you have him located advise the nearest JudgeCyberLethal team and wait for them before attempting to apprehend him.

Now go get him.“

Lethal turns to you all looking in nervously from the hallway and smiles motioning you all to enter. Once done he turns toward the stage and lets out a piercing whistle. Several people look up at him and he mimes working a curtain rope. Suddenly the stage curtains start closing and shut off your view of the activity going on on stage.

“Beg your pardon folks. Come on in nothing to be concerned over. Security! Please relieve Diaman of that rolling pin and frisk Ginny for concealed weapons but be aware she’ll probably like it being from Jersey.”

Having taken a moment to reach the relative if not dubious safety offered from behind the podium on stage he continues:

“NOW I know a few of you, especially the wimmin folk are a wee vexed with me over putting out that wanted poster on Impish. A few of you have even gone so far as to suggest improper treatment by me of Impish and even hint at unwarranted Dragon persecution by me. Please allow me to explain what exactly Impish has done for you since the events of Saturday as witnessed by all of us and the subsequent Wanted Poster apparently didn’t spell it out well enough.

Those tunnels that he’s made such free use of were in fact part of an old coal mining complex on that side of the mountain. The particular tunnels in question were left open and connected to our corporate complex and designated a ‘Dragon emergency escape route’ largely because they were big enough to fit his robustly rotund rump through and the rails made a very handy set of runners for a sort of auto piloted skateboard/flatbed to assist Impish with exiting with all due haste in the event of trouble.

Mr. Lazy decided to start making use to them to get to the Saturday Morning Meadow instead of taking the longer public way around. NOW he’s apparently added all manner of unauthorized extra equipment and mechanics to the area (at corporate expense & with corporate manpower w/o approval) which the mine was never intended to have and for very good reason.

That reason is the type of coal that was mined here,  Lignite specifically, Lignite has a high content of volatile matter which means its very easy to burn. Unfortunately, its high moisture content and susceptibility to spontaneous combustion can cause problems in transportation and storage. Or when some dolt of a dim bulb dragon starts hydraulic and electrical fires simultaneously in an abandoned Lignite mine!.

I think you can see where many of the charges are stemming from now. Some of the Dwarves Impish strong armed into assisting him are missing, and are presumably still someplace in the smoke, heat & fire filled mine. A mine which runs under a good part of the meadow, especially the seating area.

When I contacted our insurance company about a construction related catastrophe they responded ‘what construction? You said the Recreational & Reception Center was completed. A few fast questions with the local contractors and building department revealed that Impish had not followed proper procedure or planning.

As for the last 2 charges:
1.) He was serving my Brown Gold yesterday not the Patron’s Special Roast to Patrons. He knows better and has been warned I wasn’t going to stand for it anymore. The cost of making my blend has become so cost prohibitive that I may have to stop making it. If I choose to share it that’s my prerogative, its not his.

2.) As you can see from his Part 2 post, he’s fleeing and hiding necessitating a Country Wide Dragon hunt. This to say nothing of what occurred when I did manage to locate him hiding in the underground bunker in his old back yard. To wit:

I did what to who???? No. No. No. I didn’t start any fires!!!! I was above ground at the time!! You all SAW me!!! And I did NOT serve your brown gold!!! When have I ever even had ACCESS to your Brown Gold? And when have I ever been the one who served ANYTHING at an issue? That’s what we have kitchen staff for!
No. I’m staying in hiding and keeping away until these horrible and salubrious charges are dropped! You’ll never find … … Hang on a sec. Someone’s at the door.
Oh hey Lethal, come on in. I was just sending a … LETHAL!!!!! How did you find me?!?! Ow! No!! Ouch!! Not the shillelaghs! Ouch!
Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Leprechaun down! Leprechaun is down! We need those medics up here now!
Impish had door way trapped. Cleaned Lethal off his feet with a swinging pony keg of Lethal’s own Ale!
Impish shouted about being innocent and escaped out the back.
Repeat negative capture subject on the run. No eyes on subject

See? All very simple. legal and justifiable by the circumstances.

I would ask that if he contacts any of you for aid or information that you not aid him but rather urge him to turn himself in instead. He will get a fair and impartial hearing and though they will be checked for files, hack saw blades and other contraband, Ginny will be allowed to send him as many Taylor Pork Rolls as she wishes.

NOW if you’ll excuse me, I have a scared out of his none too reasonable mind Dragon to find and you folks have an issue to get to. OH would someone do me a favor and strap Ginny into the 4 point seat harness I’ve taken the liberty of having installed on her seat and tipping it back slightly? Pumpkin Spice French Toast Casserole is one of today’s recipes and I’m concerned for her knees.

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup. 

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city’s problems. 

Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said, “Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn’t make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!” 

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, “I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you, but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed…” 

“Look there you go again,” said the man, “How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?” 

“Of course not!” gasped the nun, “The evil alcohol has never touched my lips.” 

“Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?” 

“Well, I really don’t know …” 

“I’ll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I’ll buy you a drink. One drink. I’ll prove to you that “evil” is not inside the glass, it’s inside the person.” 

“Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it’s out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you’ve aroused a curiosity in me.” 

“Well let’s go inside and settle this” 

“No my son, I could never enter such a place… but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this “scotch” you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I’ll try it.” 

“You’re on!” said the guy. 

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, “Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please” 

The bartender sighed and said, “Is that darn nun out there again!?!”

Charity is supposed to begin at home! Take care of those who defended us not those who’d attack us! America and Americans first!

You don’t need to understand this weird Viking game to laugh out loud at it

I’m not entirely sure what the rules are to this game, but I think I get the general idea. It might be fun to play, but it’s definitely fun to watch! Enjoy this weird traditional Viking game where burly men try to hit each other with pouches or satchels.

 

A klaxon starts sounding and various screens around the room begin flashing  the above message. Lethal who has been mingling with you and periodically sticking his head through the curtain for updates makes a mad dash for the curtain while calling out, “ Excuse me folks we have a possible Impish sighting.” A moment or two passes before Lethal comes out form behind the curtain and in response to all the questions just shake his head then clicks his remote silencing the klaxon and replacing the alert message with the following image on the screens.

I can see why this hit, it might well even have been Impish in his frantic confusion. However a confused contrail does not an Impish sighting make. Still we’ll be checking out the directions flown at both ends of the contrail just to be sure. Back to the issue~

The Top 5 More Appropriate Songs for the Kim Davis Rally

The band Survivor is upset over the use of the song “Eye of the Tiger” at the rally for imprisoned Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis.

5. God Only Knows (How Much You’re Gonna Burn In Hell)

4. Take This Job and Shove It (But Not Up Your Ass Because That Would Be Gay)

3. You Can’t Always Get What You Want Even If The Supreme Court Rules That You Have A Constitutional Right To Get It And I Am Obliged By Law And My Elected Office To Grant It

2. My Old Kentucky Homophobe

And the Number One More Appropriate Song for the Kim Davis Rally…

1.) Hey Prude

That boys and girls is one quarter of an entire muffaletta, this particular one is an Italian muffaletta which is the traditional style however other interpretations abound. It beats the hell out of a Jersey hard roll with Taylor Pork Roll on it hands down everyday of the week. Too bad Impish had to pull his chicanery, I had ordered and extra whole one for him alone since the entire thing will weigh in at about three pounds.

The muffuletta is both a type of round Sicilian sesame bread and a popular sandwich originating among Italian immigrants in New Orleans, Louisiana using the same bread.

A muffuletta is a large, round, and somewhat flattened loaf with a sturdy texture, around 10 inches across. It is described as being somewhat similar to focaccia. Bread used for the Muffuletta is different from focaccia, however, in that it is a very light bread, the outside is crispy, and the inside is soft. It also has no additional seasonings baked into it, aside from the sesame seeds. The bread is more like French bread, but slightly heavier.

A traditional style muffuletta sandwich consists of a muffuletta loaf split horizontally and covered with layers of marinated olive salad, Moraxella, salami, mozzarella, ham, and provolone. The sandwich is sometimes heated to soften the provolone. Quarter, half, and full-sized muffulettas are sold.

The signature olive salad consists of olives diced with the celery, cauliflower and carrot found in a jar of giardiniera, seasoned with oregano and garlic, covered in olive oil, and allowed to combine for at least 24 hours.

The traditional way to serve the sandwich at is cold, but many vendors will toast it.

The muffuletta sandwich has its origins at the Central Grocery in the French Quarter of New Orleans.^[4]

According to Marie Lupo Tusa, daughter of the Central Grocery’s founder, it was born when Sicilian farmers selling their produce at the nearby Farmers’ Market would come into her father’s grocery for lunch and order some salami, ham, cheese, olive salad, and either long braided Italian bread or a round muffuletta loaf. In typical Sicilian fashion they ate everything separately sitting on crates or barrels while precariously balancing their meals on their knees. Her father suggested cutting the bread and putting everything on it like a sandwich, even if it was not typical Sicilian fashion. The thicker braided Italian bread proved too hard to bite and the softer round muffuletta loaf won out. Shortly thereafter, farmers that came for lunch began merely asking for “muffulettas”.

Enough with the food lessons some of you are beginning to scare me they way you’re looking at my sandwich! GO find your own! Mean while lets cooks something. First something tasty and healthy before we get to the knee buckling.

Butternut Squash and Bacon One-Pot Pasta

As sweater season descends upon us, we usher hearty flavors into our kitchen. Pasta enveloped in a thick, rich sauce of butternut squash and bacon seems just right for this time of year. Goes well with breakfast sausage or diced smoked ham too.

This butternut Alfredo-style sauce is velvety-smooth and satisfying, but it’s far from heavy. In fact, it’s actually healthy. The dish packs 5 grams of fiber and a whopping 100 percent of your daily value for vitamin A. Yes, you will use a bit of bacon, but because you’re swapping out the butter you’d normally use to make the classic Alfredo sauce — and using the same amount of bacon fat instead — it’s basically a wash in terms of calories. Happily, the scant 1 tablespoon of bacon fat infuses the entire dish with smoky yumminess.

Butternut Squash and Bacon One-Pot Pasta

Makes 6 to 7 servings

Ingredients:

1 medium butternut squash
13 ounces (3 1/2 cups or about 1 box) penne pasta*
2 pieces center-cut bacon, chopped
1 tablespoon all-purpose flour
3/4 cup 1% low-fat milk, warmed 30 seconds in microwave
1/2 cup shredded Parmesan cheese, plus more for serving
1 teaspoon fresh thyme (or 1/2 teaspoon dried thyme)
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon ea. ground black pepper, garlic powder & onion powder or to taste

Directions:

Using a fork, poke a few holes in skin of squash. Place entire squash in microwave and cook on high power for 5 minutes. Remove squash using towel or oven mitts and allow to cool for a few minutes.

Place squash on cutting board and hold warm squash with oven mitt (or latex dishwashing glove) , slice squash in half and scoop out seeds. Place one squash half face-down on a microwave-safe plate and cook on high power in the microwave for 3 to 5 minutes until soft. (Reserve second squash half for another use.)

Scoop cooked squash into a blender or food processor and puree with about 3 tablespoons water until smooth; set aside. (Makes about 1 1/2 cups puree.)

In a large pot, cook penne (whole-grain and regular white pasta together) according to directions on the regular pasta box (as it takes a little longer to cook than whole-grain pasta). Drain pasta, reserving about 1/2 cup pasta water.
In same large pot, brown bacon over medium-high heat. Remove bacon to a paper-towel-lined plate, reserving bacon fat (about 1 tablespoon).

Whisk flour into bacon fat over medium heat. Slowly whisk in warm milk and cook, stirring, until beginning to bubble. Cook, stirring, about 2 minutes, until thick. Reduce heat to low and stir in reserved squash puree; cook until warm, about 2 minutes. Stir in cheese, thyme, salt, pepper and 1 to 2 tablespoons pasta water if sauce seems too thick. Gently toss in pasta and reserved bacon. Serve with additional shredded cheese if desired.

* For the best flavor and good nutrition, use half whole-grain and half regular white pasta.

Per serving (1/7 of recipe made with half whole-grain and half regular pasta without additional shredded cheese on top): Calories 285; Fat 6 g (Saturated 2 g); Sodium 336 mg; Carbohydrate 47 g; Fiber 5 g; Sugars 4 g; Protein 12 g

 

Pumpkin Spice French Toast Casserole

This autumn-inspired casserole is both custardy and crunchy and perfect for brunch–or even dessert. We use pumpkin pie puree, which comes pre-sweetened and spiced, lending an extra touch of warmth. Since the unbaked casserole needs to rest overnight, this is an ideal make-ahead company-worthy dish.

Ingredients

Casserole:

1 tablespoon unsalted butter, at room temperature
One 1-pound loaf Italian-style bread, sliced 1/2-inch-thick
4 large eggs
1/3 cup sugar
2 teaspoons pumpkin pie spice
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
2 cups whole milk
1 cup heavy cream
1 cup pumpkin pie puree (not pure pumpkin puree)

Brown Sugar Crumble:

3/4 cup packed light brown sugar
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon kosher salt
1 stick unsalted butter (8 tablespoons), cut into cubes
1 cup chopped pecans

Directions

For the casserole: Generously grease a 3-quart casserole dish with the butter. Arrange the bread slices over the bottom of the dish, overlapping them slightly.
Whisk the eggs, sugar, pumpkin pie spice, vanilla and salt in large bowl until smooth and well combined. Whisk in the milk and cream. Pour the egg mixture evenly over the bread slices, making sure that all slices are well coated. Cover the casserole dish with plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least 8 hours or up to overnight.

Position an oven rack in the center of the oven, and preheat to 350 degrees F.

For the brown sugar crumble: Whisk together the brown sugar, flour and salt in a medium bowl. Add the butter and work it into the dry ingredients with your fingers (or a pastry cutter) until the mixture is crumbly with pea-sized bits of butter. Mix in the pecans.

To assemble: Give the bread slices in the casserole dish a gentle push into the custard, dollop the pumpkin pie puree over the bread slices and sprinkle the crumble evenly over the top.

Bake the casserole until the top is puffed and browned and a knife inserted in the center comes out clean, about 45 minutes (it will still be a little jiggly when the casserole dish is tapped but it will continue to cook a bit out of the oven). Check the casserole about halfway through the baking time and tent it with foil if the topping is browning too quickly. Let rest 10 minutes before serving.

As the klaxon sounds Lethal is off the arm of a newly minted Patron’s chair at a dash. “Here we go again folks!” Again a short two minutes later he returns shaking his head but with apparently optimism as he points the remote at the screens and clicks it.

“This was found along the West South Westerly track flying off the directions of both ends of that loopy contrail that was spotted earlier. I’d say it’s a safe bet we’re looking at evidence of Impish passing these areas at speed. MY guess is he’s trying to fly, watch in all directions and looking for a place to hide until dark simultaneously. If I’m right we’re probably due for a near miss mid air event or crash report of some sort very soon. Then I’ll have his scaly (black and) blue hide!”

There’s something ingenious in the Baltimore Harbor that could change an entire city

If you’ve ever been to Baltimore, you know the Inner Harbor doesn’t have a great reputation. But now there’s something amazing and ingenious that could change everything about the waterfront. You have to see it to believe it.

 

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

“You will understand,” he said, “the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the very first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.

The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had stolen money from his parents, embezzled money from his place of business, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs, and given VD to his cousin.

I was appalled, but as the days went on I came to realize that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of understanding and loving people.”

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk…

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession.”

This reminds me of a valuable lesson I learned early on in the service. I’m not sure if it really had a name but I have always called it “The 4 Don’ts”

1. Don’t be first in line for anything, unless its an ammo resupply.
2. Don’t be last in line for anything.
3. Don’t volunteer for anything.
4. Don’t be caught looking like you have nothing to do or no place to be.

Had a few of these left in strategic places Impish might check out as possible hides. Female Virgin Barbarian Dragon Hunters. Very rare, very expensive but highly effective!

As Lethal rounds the podium to introduce his Parting Shot Commentary for the week, yet again the klaxon sounds causing him to make the just one minute gesture and disappear behind the curtain yelling “Someone tell me we got him this time!”  A minute later his head and hand appear, Lethal says, “Sorry to duck out early but I’m apparently going to have to teach a few Feds their primary fricken colors!” and the remote is clicked.

“See what I mean? Anyway enjoy the Parting Shot, the majority of you should have no trouble relating to it. Mean while once I get the Feds some primary color flash cards I’m off to see how the Eryl King, head of the Wyld Hunt feels about looking for Impish tonight.”

International Day for the Elderly

When:  Always on October 1st

International Day for the Elderly is dedicated to honor, respect and care for the world’s elderly. Remember, someday you hope to be included among this group!

In 1990, the United Nations General Assembly designated October 1st as the International Day for the Elderly, also known as the “International Day for Older Persons”. The holiday is the result of the UN World Assembly on Aging which was formed in 1982 to explore and tend to the needs of the elderly in the world.

Did you Know? According to the United Nations, “one of every 10 persons is now 60 years or older. By the year 2050, one of five will be 60 years or older; by 2150, it will be one of three persons”.

Let’s face it what they are talking about appreciating is old farts, and there are more than a few of you out there reading this. Recently I heard a member of the iGeneration rather rudely and loudly proclaim in apparent frustration that all old farts should just “STFU and get out of our way, have the good manners enough to just die already or should all just be put down.” No, I don’t need bail money or a good criminal defense lawyer, Molly managed verbally pull me off him before I could drown him in his own pool. His mortified mother figures I saved her from committing filicide and his father decked him once he stopped choking on pool water and stood up.

He couldn’t figure out why we all reacted hostilely towards him (which earned him a solid cuff to the back of the head from his mother that I swear I could feel.) The I proceeded to read him the riot act about old farts, their values, their pride and their right to it. Too bad I didn’t have this to ball up and shove in his wide open mouth:

OLD FART PRIDE

It’s not a bad thing to be called an Old Fart.
Old Farts are easy to spot at sporting events; during the National Anthem,
Old Farts remove their hats and stand at attention and sing, without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.

Old Farts remember World War II, Normandy, Spitfires and Hitler.
They remember the Atomic Bomb, Vietnam, the Korean War, the Cold War, the Moon Landing and all the Peacekeeping Missions from 1945, to 2005.

If you bump into an Old Fart on the pavement, he will apologize.
If you pass an Old Fart on the street, he will nod or tip his cap, to a lady.

Old Farts trust strangers and are polite, particularly to women.
Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.

Old Farts get embarrassed if someone swears in front of women and children and they don’t like any filthy language on TV.
Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity.
They seldom brag, except about their children and grandchildren.

It’s the Old Farts, who know our great country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men and women, in the Air Force, Army, and Navy.
This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values.

We need them now more than ever.
Thank Goodness for Old Farts!

Pass this on to all the “Old Farts” you know.

I was taught to respect my elders. It’s just getting harder to find them. It’s rapidly becoming a situation like that old comics line from Walt Kelly’s strip ‘Pogo’… “We have met the enemy and he is us,”

Oh crap! Oh crap! Oh Crap!  West…that’s it, I’ll go west

No.  No.  No.  the militias are all on standby.  I can’t do that… East.  Yeah.  Ginny will hide me.

Oh shit.  That won’t work, that’s the first place he’ll look.  And no way I can make it all the way out to Diaman’s place.  I’ll head south.

No!  No! South leads to Texas.  THAT’LL NEVER work!!  North it is!

Nothing but Canadians up north.  Do I even know any Canadians?  Don’t have time to even find out.  Oh!  I know!

Shit, that won’t work either!  The Queen!  She owes me a favor!!

And England is always foggy and cloudy…yeah, they’ll never find me there.  Where the heck am I even going?

I gotta hide! 

As you enter the “campground” where you normally view Dragon Laffs, you see that some changes have been made.  The raised hill where Impish usually expounds on his weeks views and ideas has been modified.  It still resembles the original hill, but in the way that a scene from a play resembles a real city street. 

You can see a lot of high tech equipment, computers, monitors, a giant screen, cameras and other not so obvious things.  The one thing you don’t see, is Impish.

As you settle in, order your breakfast, enjoy your first sip of your Brown Gold Coffee, you admire the upgraded Patron’s Area and watch the non-patrons filling their Styrofoam cups with some generic coffee, and picking through the packaged, no name “pastries”.  As you think about it, you chuckle to yourself thinking, that’s awfully generous calling those things pastries.

It’s now a few minutes past the usual starting time, almost everyone is seated and waiting expectantly.  You hear a faint whining of  an electric motor and you see a portion of the hill slide off to the side revealing a secret passage.

After another few seconds, you see Impish peek his head over the edge of the trap door.  He looks all around, seems satisfied with what he sees, leans back down into the hole and says, “Okay fellas.  The coast is clear, send it all the way up and get the other elevator working.   Send up the surprise!

As Impish rises higher in the air, you can see another hole open in the hill and a bigger elevator begins to rise.  As Impish’s elevator stops, leaving him seemingly standing on top of the hill, you see a huge table and chairs rising up and settle to a stop with the floor slightly lower than level.

Impish waddles over to the hole where the table and chairs have risen and yells down, “Hey!  It needs to come up a little bit more.”

He appears to listen to a response that you are unable to hear.

“Whadda ya mean, it’s stuck!  Get it unstuck.”

The elevator begins to go down, it only travels a foot or so and then stops with a loud screech.  It rises a few inches and stops again with an even louder screech.  It continues to move up and down in shorter and shorter arcs with the screeching getting louder and louder when suddenly smoke begins to rise up from the hole.

“Oh my god, oh my god, what are you doing?!”

“Fire!?  There’s a fire?!”

Impish turns and seems as though he sees you for the first time. “Um…yeah…why don’t you guys and go ahead and get started with…”

A huge thump from underground is immediately followed by a sudden increase in the smoke, which is now pouring out of the hole in the hill.  Impish looks terrified, like he’s been caught with his hand in the dragon’s bane jar by him mom or, even worse, Lethal Leprechaun, when you suddenly realize that that might be exactly what happened.  He was obviously being furtive when he first appeared and now …

“… um get started without me.  You folks in the patron area might back up a bit first.  I’ll check back in on you later.”

 

We interrupt this program to bring you some breaking news.  We just received this revealing picture from one of our overseas correspondents.

More than 500 Islamic sex slaves escaped this past weekend.

 

Thanks to Jean for this one.  As she says, this would be absolutely hilarious, if weren’t so true:

 

 

As you’re going through the issue, laughing, agreeing or arguing, Impish Dragon begins to talk, “I’m sorry for interrupting you, but I’m gonna need someone to watch out for Lethal.  Do I have any volunteers?

A voice from off the side says, “And why would you be needing to watch out for the likes o’ me?”

“Oh Shit!”

 

I’m sure everyone recognizes our Disney Liaison. 

 

I had an interesting experience last night:

See, this cop pulled me over and said, “Papers…”

I said, “Scissors, I Win!” and drove off.

 

 

 

This could really qualify as an oldie, but goodie

 

Some people call me crazy.  I prefer happy with a twist.

 

Okay, this is way cool!  You guys know the Slo-Mo guys?  They do super slow motion video of all kinds of things.  This video is about a dude getting tazered….in slow motion!!!

 

 

 

Hillary Clinton hosted a campaign fundraiser Wednesday at the famous Staten Island mansion once owned by New York organized crime boss Paul Castellano. It’s a Mafia shrine. For most people the house is a symbol of greed, ambition and underhanded money laundering, but for Hillary, it’s Tara. -Argus Hamilton

 

 

This is just too damn funny not to share.  From the New Yorker Magazine…

Why the Long Face?

BY JOHN KENNEY

Last week, Mrs. Clinton’s strategists acknowledged missteps . . . and promised that this fall the public would see the sides of Mrs. Clinton that are often obscured by the noise and distractions of modern campaigning. They want to show her humor.

—The Times.

Clinton campaign H.Q., Brooklyn.
Hillary Clinton sits with several staffers.

STAFFER 1: Here’s something. Lots of jokes start with the line “A guy walks into a barn.”

CLINTON: I like that. That’s funny.

STAFFER 2: Bar. I think it’s “A guy walks into a bar.”

CLINTON: Bar? Why is that funny? Are bars funny?

STAFFER 3: I thought it was barn, too.

STAFFER 4: What if a guy walks into a barn and sees a bar?

CLINTON: That makes no sense.

STAFFER 2: Is that funny, though? Walking into a barn?

CLINTON: Barns are hilarious. It depends on the barn, of course, as well as the time of year. Barns can also be sad. I’ve walked into barns in the heartland of this great country, where jobs have vanished and the American dream is dead.

(Long silence.)

STAFFER 1 (Googling): It’s “bar.” Oops.

CLINTON: Let’s go with “bar.”

STAFFER 3: Doesn’t something usually come after that first line, though? Like, the . . . what’s it called . . . the punch?

STAFFER 1 (Googling): Punch line.

CLINTON: O.K. Well, let’s go with “A guy walks into a bar. Punch line.” That’s funny.

STAFFER 3: No, no. I think we need a punch line. We don’t say “punch line.”

CLINTON: I’m lost.

STAFFER 1: Same here.

CLINTON: A man is walking down the street and bumps into a bar . . . a metal bar . . . hits his head . . . he’s O.K. And I’ll tell you why he’s O.K. He’s O.K. because we passed the most significant health-care reform in our nation’s history. Should it have been single-payer? I think so. But thirty million Americans who never before had health insurance now have coverage for issues like a head contusion from walking into a bar.

(Long silence.)

STAFFER 3: I don’t think it’s a guy walking into a metal bar.

CLINTON: What?

STAFFER 3: I think it’s a man walking into a bar that serves alcohol.

CLINTON: I don’t get it.

STAFFER 2: Is there a metal bar in this alcohol bar?

STAFFER 3: I don’t think there’s a metal bar anywhere in the story. It’s just a bar.

CLINTON: So I just say, “A man walks into an alcohol-serving bar”?

STAFFER 1: I worry that it’s going to seem like she’s urging people to drink.

STAFFER 2: Agreed. I think we had something really strong with the barn.

STAFFER 3: Maybe add a punch line?

CLINTON: Right. Let’s circle back to that. What is it, exactly?

STAFFER 3: I think it could be any number of things. Like wordplay.

STAFFER 1: I know: “A guy walks into an alcohol bar and has a club soda.”

CLINTON: Interesting.

STAFFER 3: I think it’s more, like, “A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, ‘Why the long face?’ ”

STAFFER 1: Sorry, I’m really confused.

STAFFER 2: Why is the bartender speaking to the horse?

CLINTON: People. There are 9.2 million horses in America, according to the Horse Council’s latest study on the U.S. horse industry. More than seventy per cent of horse owners live in communities of fewer than fifty thousand people. Let’s help horse owners protect what may be the quintessential American animal. And let’s not let bartenders—or anyone—demean the shape of their faces.

(Silence.)

CLINTON: So far, we have a guy walking into a bar. It’s funny. But it could be funnier. C’mon, guys. Be funny.

STAFFER 1: Does it have to be a guy walking into a bar? Could it be a woman?

STAFFER 2: A transgender woman?

STAFFER 1: We need to speak to that demographic.

STAFFER 3: Maybe it’s a woman. She sees her friends, and they say, “Hey, Steve!” And she says, “It’s Stephanie now.”

STAFFER 1: That’s beautiful.

STAFFER 4: But, is it funny?

CLINTON: There’s nothing funny about discrimination. I will fight for the rights of L.G.B.T.Q. people everywhere.

(Silence.)

STAFFER 1: What if the guy—

STAFFER 2: I’m sorry, but I really think we should be careful with pronouns.

STAFFER 1: My bad. What if the individual walking into the bar—and this gets back to the idea of a punch line which we spoke about earlier—what if the individual sees Roseanne Barr?

STAFFER 2: Funny. Because of the bar thing. It’s almost a homonym, I think.

STAFFER 1: What if he or she sees Barbara Bush, whom people call Bar?

CLINTON: Why is Barbara Bush sitting alone in an alcohol bar?

STAFFER 2: Are we sending the wrong signal about a revered former First Lady?

STAFFER 1: What if she’s sitting with Roseanne, and they’re drinking coffee?

STAFFER 2: And praying.

STAFFER 3: Is praying funny, though?

STAFFER 2: There was that funny Jim Carrey movie “Bruce Almighty.”

CLINTON: I like it. Get Jim Carrey.

STAFFER 1: Maybe it’s an A.A. meeting, and Roseanne fell off the wagon. Maybe Barbara Bush is leading a prayer.

CLINTON: With Jim Carrey.

STAFFER 1: Yes. And maybe the bar is filled with recovering alcoholics. Immigrants. Mexicans. Everyone is Mexican, except Barbara Bush and Roseanne Barr and Jim Carrey.

CLINTON: And I walk in and pour them coffee and say, “Let’s stop building walls. Let’s start building compassion.”

STAFFER 3: Funny stuff. ♦

Part of our legal staff on her way to a special hearing.  You know how in England and other places the barristers (lawyers) have to wear those funny white powdered wigs to court?  Well, this is pretty much the same kind of an idea, but in a much different realm. 

But she very well endowed….

With Legal abilities!!!!  What were you thinking?!

 

After my prostate exam, the doctor left.  The the nurse cam in.  As she shut the door, she whispered the three words no man wants to hear in that situation: “Who was that?”

 

 

Words to live by…and we do!!!

 

 

People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor. 

Last January on a bitterly cold winter’s day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather. 
  
“What’s the matter? asked the Trooper 
  
“Carburetor’s frozen,” was the terse reply. 
  
“Pee on it. That’ll thaw it out.” 
  
“I can’t,” said the biker. 
  
“OK, watch me closely and I’ll show you.” 
The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised. 
  
Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving. 
  
A few days later, the local State Troopers’ office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist. 
  
It began: “On behalf of my daughter Jill…”

 

 

 

 

 

Can you imagine if Facebook just decided to shut down and you see all these confused teenagers coming out of their houses, squinting at the sun?

 

 

Sounds like we should all be outside under the stars on Sunday…

Sunday’s rare supermoon eclipse: What you need to know

 

Known to plunder Entenmann’s Delivery Trucks, Dunkin Donuts Shops, Taco Bells, All You Can Eat Buffets & Sororities.

In addition he will leave a trail of cigar butts, plundered Italian Restaurant and dumpsters and sexually frustrated former virgins by the score in his wake.

He is believed to be headed for either New Jersey, the Coronado California area,  the US Canadian Border or the Mexican Boarder around Arizona & New Mexico. The Texas Border has been secured as all those along it have been informed that Dragon tastes like chicken fajitas.  Montana, Colorado, and Utah Separatist Groups have all been placed on watch and told he’s a Government spy.  All Mythical Borders and off realm exits have been closed. ICE and Homeland Security have been advised and are treating him as a potential homegrown (ok, their exact word was ‘fermented’) terrorist threat due to the possibility of his mouth and behind being WMDs.

The Vatican in an extraordinary move has issued a press statement declaring Impish “Persona non grata” and therefore ineligible for Sanctuary within Vatican City. Only Kim Jong-un has come forward so far to offer Impish refuge. saying “North Koreans revere the great Purple Dinosaur.”