What?! Lent is over- you didn’t think I’d fell the need to catch up? You have any idea how many ale and whiskey distilleries count on my business to keep them afloat? Lets not even talk about what effect my ‘going on the dry’ would have on the economies of multiple nations! The only more financially disastrous thing I can think of would be if Impish and I gave up coffee overnight.

Speaking of the nearly electrocuted and braised lizard if you think I’m bad having a few wee nips you should see how he’s been making up for lost time!

 To celebrate his return to us addiction free, Impish, the girls and I went over to the gatehouse’s pub, (you’ll learn more about the Gatehouse later in the issue) for a bit of a catch up.

Impish ordered off the menu asking for a ‘Bloody Spicy with everything’. Then he specified V-8 juice not Bloody Mary mix or Tomato juice winking at the bar maid and saying something about his daily veggie requirement. My jaw nearly hit me pint glass o Guinness when I heard that and the magpie Diaman and Ginny actually went silent for a full 15 seconds!

This was the drink he got. He had four of them before his burgers and fries arrived.

When I say burgers and fries this is what I’m talking about:

Three of those burgers (for which he actually inquired about having them swap the Kobi beef for vegi-burgers and even specified the vegetarian chili on the burger and the 2# platters of fries plus low fat cheese and whole multigrain buns! As if this wasn’t already nearly knocking us off our barstools he forewent his usual threat about eating the waitress if he saw anything that had come out of a garden on his plate and asked if he could trade the Lettuce Tomato and Onion from all 3 and turn it into a tossed salad! I swear you could have knock me cold with a fairy’s wing when I heard that one!

There was also the yard of light beer he ordered to wash them down. That’s it there on the right side. For comparison the glass 3rd from the right is a standard Pint (16 oz.) bar glass. Seriously light beer?! Diaman & Ginny are starting to think that electric fence caused him some brain damage! Personally I suspect he’s running some sort of guilt trip or grift- possibly pie related.

Now I’ll grant you Impish offered up an I suppose plausible explanation for some of this, (I say I suppose its plausible because I don’t quite know enough about Dragon physiology- yet to say if he’s bagging me or not). His explanation was that he needed all that spice and grease to induce an epic case o’ heart burn to rekindle/jump start his internal fire furnace biology after shutting it down during his escape attempt.

Impish claims that when we get to the next installment of his diary next week his assertions will be upheld and proven completely truthful.

I was almost ready to buy this story (despite the fact that ‘completely truthful’ when used in conjunction with Impish Dragon constitutes and oxymoron) until about 3 hours later I came across him having a pizza snack- 6 “virgin pizzas” made with ‘Fra Diavolo’ sauce (Fra Diavolo = Brother Devil. Sort of a super spicy Marinara made with fresh tomatoes and hot red cherry peppers). I caught up with him managing to get this picture of it just before he started in on this last one. I figured this was just Impish trying the hide his reversion to gluttony and making up for lost diet until I managed to snag a slice of the pizza and discovered it had a whole wheat thin crust!

Obviously our Dragon isn’t any too worse for the wear from his ‘ordeals’…. uh I think.  Now if you’ll excuse me I feel a touch on indigestions just from the ‘Fra Diavolo’ sauce. I’m off to find some Bromo-Seltzer and…. (frowns at a text message he just got) Apparently I need to approve the location of an all organic vegetable garden Impish want to put in as it conflicts with something on the master build plans for our new facilities. Sigh! I wonder if Bromo makes a decent mixer with Irish Whiskey? I have the feeling I’ll be needing a lot of both this day!

Enjoy the issue.

Since Impish sort of totally ignored the fact that last Sunday was in fact Easter, I thought I’d just put a little something religious but yet entertaining in today to mark the occasion. Beside both Impish and I have recently been blessed with our wives more or less successfully battling potentially serious illnesses and we should be giving thanks.

This is one of my favorite religious songs, though not my favorite version which I’m having trouble locating. If I find it I’ll post it later in the issue.

 

With regard to Impish’s Final Word from Last Week which consisted of an email from Ginny entitled “The Train of Life”. I too received it from Ginny and I responded to her taking (as usual) a differing point of view from Impish apparently. In all fairness had I remembered to “CC:” Impish in on my comment he might have elected to include it in his Final Word so I wanted to share my comment on the ‘The Train of Life” with you as well-

 

 

In a crowded airliner a five-year-old boy is throwing a wild temper
tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to
try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick
the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane,  Lethal Leprechaun slowly
walks forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an
upraised hand, the Lethal leans down and whispers something into
the boy’s ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and
quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into
spontaneous applause. As the Leprechaun slowly makes his way back to
his seat, one of the stewardesses takes him by the sleeve.

“Excuse me, Sir,” she says quietly, “but what magic words did
you use on that little boy?”

The Lethal smiles sagely and gently says,
“Lass I just told him if he didn’t cut that shite out, I’d be kicking his
fooking arse to the bloody moon.”

Molly’s Follow up visit to her Doctor went very well. Her Doctor did note the internally she is healing at a somewhat slower rate than was normal and Molly confessed to my two steps forward one step back theory admitting to ‘possibly’ pushing her boundaries at times a bit too much. The doctor took her off the prescription pain killers and told her to use OTC ones stating that maybe if the penalty for misbehavior was higher she’d do it less often. A doctor who espouses my ‘Molly Philosophy’, ya just gotta love her!

She has been clear to return to work starting next Monday, though I have it on good authority from an inside source that she’ll only be working half days from the shop for the first week back and watched closely for signs of pain or fatigue.

Again Molly and I want to thank those of you who have sent well wishes prayers and moral support during this time. However at the moment Mrs. Dragon is currently in need of them far more than Molly at this point and we would ask that you do the same for her.

With all the food and what not over the Easter weekend I doubt that you will be wanting very much in the way of recipes this week, unless they have to do with using up ham & hard boiled eggs.

On that subject let me just say that deviled ham & egg spread rocks, not only as a sandwich filling, but goes well atop lunch salads or spread on toasted English muffins or bagels for breakfast. It even makes dynamite potato salad if you like your potato salad with egg in it

DEVILED EGG AND HAM SALAD

1 c. cubed ham (5 oz.)
1/2 c. finely chopped green pepper
1/4 c. finely chopped green onion
1/3 c. mayonnaise
1/4 tsp. ground red pepper
1 tbsp. vinegar
1 1/2 tsp. prepared mustard
6 hard boiled eggs
4 large lettuce leaves
4 medium tomatoes, each cut into 8 wedges

In medium bowl, combine ham, green pepper, onion, mayonnaise, red pepper, vinegar and mustard. Mix until well blended. Set aside. Separate hard cooked egg yolk from whites. Place yolks in small bowl. Mash and stir into ham mixture. Chop egg whites and stir into ham mixture. Let stand 10 minutes to blend flavors

I like to toss some with shredded bag lettuce and radish sprouts then fill pita pockets with it garnishing with pickle and cherry tomato slices. If taking to work pack the wet filling and garnishes separate from the pitas (I put the garnishes on top to the filled in a single container and use the lid to hold the garnishes  until ready for them

Banana Crunch Muffins

 

 

Total Time: 45 min
Prep: 20 min
Cook: 25 min
Yield: 18 large muffins
Level: Easy

 

 

 

Ingredients

3 cups all-purpose flour
2 cups sugar
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 pound unsalted butter, melted and cooled
2 extra-large eggs
3/4 cup whole milk
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
1 cup mashed ripe bananas (2 bananas)
1 cup medium-diced ripe bananas (1 banana)
1 cup small-diced walnuts
1 cup granola
1 cup sweetened shredded coconut
Dried banana chips, granola, or shredded coconut, optional

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.
Line 18 large muffin cups with paper liners. Sift the flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, and salt into the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with a paddle attachment. Add the melted butter and blend. Combine the eggs, milk, vanilla, and mashed bananas, and add them to the flour-and-butter mixture. Scrape the bowl and blend well. Don’t over mix.
Fold the diced bananas, walnuts, granola, and coconut into the batter. Spoon the batter into the paper liners, filling each 1 to the top. Top each muffin with dried banana chips, granola, or coconut, if desired. Bake for 25 to 30 minutes, or until the tops are brown and a toothpick comes out clean. Cool slightly, remove from the pan, and serve.

 

I forgot this next one last week when we were on the subject of condiments and such

If any one wants to save this Cheat sheet I can upload it someplace for you to download. Just leave a request in the comments and I’ll post a link to it.

 

 

Until you see it. Still not seeing it? I’ll give you a hint- pay attention to the background. I’ll post a better hint at the end of the issue for those who need more help. Mean while if anyone recognizes any of the ladies I’d very much like an intro or a name and contact number, especially the one 2nd from left in back row!

 

 

Sen. Ted Cruz announced his presidential campaign at Liberty University before a packed crowd of students who were forced to attend or risked paying a fine.

The Top 5 Things Overheard During Ted Cruz’s Announcement

1. “Are you sure this isn’t just another senior prank?”
2. “How many chances does one get to witness the beginning of the end of a political party?”
3. “I loved his sister Penelope in ‘Vanilla Sky.’ Can I vote for her?”
4. “If it’s OK for him to shut down the government, it’s OK for me to shut down his microphone.”

And the Number One Thing Overheard During Ted Cruz’s Announcement…

1. “I never thought I’d say this as a student at Liberty University, but I think I need a drink.”

I fully agree with Comment #1 in principle but I disagree that a single drink is going to be enough. I think I’ll be drinking quite steadily through his entire campaign. Here’s hoping it’s a short one- my liver can’t take all the drinks it used to.

Found that favorite version of “Oh Happy Day” I was talking about!

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain,the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. Addressing the Harley rider, he says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.”

The Harley rider replies,”Why, it was nothing, really.

The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.”

The reporter says, “ Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed . I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?”

The biker replies, “I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.”

The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

” U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!”

And that pretty much sums up the media’s approach to the news these days.

We’ve gotten a few questions lately about the progress on the Santa provided at Ginny’s Christmas wish Recreation and Party Center. As several people have noted Memorial Day is practically around the corner. Sadly I have to say that I doubt the facilities will be full finished for Memorial Day despite the progress we’ve made. as we’ve had several delays due to unforeseen circumstances.

Impish, who was helping the dwarves with the construction of the necessary caves and tunnels, as you know was first government napped, then required an intervention for his pie addiction, followed by a subsequent involuntary committal to get the job of breaking his addiction done.

There was also the second delay resulting from Impish’s kidnapping where the large perimeter security wall was swiftly built as well as the building for the Embassies of the other mythical realms and quarters for other mythical creatures of legendary note with diplomatic status. Now I know your asking why this was so important as to interrupt a party facility and the answer is simple- if we cannot stay in the mundane realm safely we can’t stay at all which means there isn’t a need for the party facility any longer. Understand? OK moving on then!

However this isn’t to say that we have nothing to show for our efforts to date. Here is a shot of the Entry way gate house to the new facility.

The upper portion that resembles a covered bridge/walkway is exactly that and will mate up with the aerial tramway accessed from the lobby of our Corporate HQ building.

It terminates just out side the Gatehouse Pub which you saw a photo of the outside patio area of in the opening.

The water feature you see is part of a tubing excursion you can take through part of the Recreational Center and down to the our side pond.

 

 Here is a look at a completed section of the grotto area which can be switched into or out of the tube ride depending on ride usage and number of people in the grotto.

That is a 48” big screen TV in the distance you see and the edge of a service bar just behind the lanterns where you can ever get your drinks delivered to waters edge.

Finally if you walk past the lanterns and turn left you come to our first completed non cave like party  and conference area-

 

 

The coal stove fireplace is completely functional as is the bar and the bar sized professional staffed kitchen behind the door just visible at the right end of the bar. There is another bar at the opposite end of the room and the room can comfortably accommodate roughly 50 people with room for entertainment:

 

The Answer

In case you can’t make it out the sign reads “Assumption College Deep Throat Competition”!

We’ll pause for a minute until the male perverts among our readership can get a FIGURATIVE grip on themselves after that revelation.  IMPISH! PAUL(s) (BOTH OF YOU) and you too K2! I SAID FIGURATIVE grip on yourselves!

Ginny you stop encouraging them too! SHEESH!

When last we left Impish he had just discovered the delectable treat known as Trollscouts and was pondering creating Dragonscouts to assure a steady supply of good eats.

Still thinking about dragonscouts but torn between treating them as snack-packs and teaching them to be good little dragons.

Cat has suggested merit badges in horde-lying, knight-toasting, general ateding, and cat-coddling.

White stuff has fallen from the sky again. Am starting to think there’s some sort of plot—maybe pointy face horse is going to use it as camouflage. Cat is attempting hibernation, perhaps I should join him…

Had board meeting today. Ated someone that disagreed with me. That should solve that problem. Very satisfying.

Cat awake—eight pounds. Cat asleep on my chest—so heavy I can’t get up even though I routinely throw around twenty-to-thirty tons. Bemused.

Have Enchanted Forest Board meeting tonight but there’s SNOW! Dontwanna! Cat curled up by fire. Stupid cat. Stupid meeting.

It got cold. Really really cold. Important-safety-tip-cold. Don’t try to breathe fire when your snot is frozen. Seriously. Ears now fire scoured clean inside.

HELP! I’m starting to identify with my captor. I just noticed that all the snow and ice is kind of…Sparkly! Sparkly! Sparkly!

Cthulhu carolers just came to the cave door. They’re so cute I almost don’t want to ated them.

Can’t believe it’s nearly Cthulhumas! I haven’t even started shopping and cat is sleeping on the cards so I can’t send them. Mind you, I did tuck them all under the cat bed instead of addressing them, but I’m still blaming the cat.

Looking at all the Cthulhumas lights and now I want to fill the cave with them. Sparkly! Sparkly! Sparkly!

Cthulhumas is tomorrow? #$#%@&$%@#! Sigh, at least it’ll be over soon.

Cthulhumas has arrived. Sitting and looking at the ornaments when I realized I don’t even _like_ squid. Sigh.

Have survived Cthulhumas and mood is rapidly improving. Took ornaments down! Also, ated salesman today AND felt really good about it. “None of this charity of season, please don’t eat me” nonsense to deal with.

Cat brought home funny little machine that turns beans into hot black liquid. It smelled great so I had some. It tasted bitter but SPARKLY! Sparklysparklysparkly!

Cat calls wondrous black fluid “coffee.” It sounds almost as sparkly as it tastes! Coffee! Coffee! Coffee!

Cat also says that I should probably drink a little bit less next time. Cat is wrong. Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

Getting lots accomplished!. Have now been awake for three straight days! This coffee stuff is the best thing ever!

Day five of coffee binge. Have transcended sleep and achieved apotheosis. Worship me!

Day six of my coffee odyssey. Sleep is an almost forgotten relic of my past. Can taste colors. Am learning fish language.

Day 8 of coffee odyssey. Cat made the most recent pot. It’s not working. Think it might be decafzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

 

Good Morning Campers,

Thank you to everyone who sent good wishes to me and my family during Mrs. Dragons recent illness and visit to the E.R.  She’s still not doing great, but she is better and more importantly, out of the woods.

I know you’ve wondered what’s happened to me (Impish) over the last two weeks, and I think the following story will answer your questions. 

So please, sit back, refill your coffee and relax while you read.

I lay on the straw filled mattress on my wooden bunk and thought about what I was about to do.  I was sick and tired of being here.  Sick and tired of not having any pie and truly and completely sick and tired of that bastard gunnery sergeant who seemed to have my misery as his life goal.

Sure, Lethal had sent Robo-Impish along for companionship, which I guess was kind of a nice thing to do, but then he had him turn into that freak of a purple dinosaur, hug me and sing to me!  Twenty-five choruses of “I Love You, You Love Me…”  I just got the damn song out of my head yesterday and now, that I’m thinking about it, it’s there again!

UGH!

Plus!  He cheats at DragonQuest!  I mean, come on!  How low can you be?  And the worst part is that I can’t even say anything about it for fear he’ll point out my cheating.  Talk about a lose-lose situation.

Sigh!

The lights had been out for a few hours and I could feel the camp quiet around me.  I quietly slid out of my bunk, quickly dressed in black khakis and a black skull cap. I sidled over to Robo-Impish, reached behind his left ear and deactivated him.  There was a slow hum that wound down to nothing; like the dying of a desk fan after it was shut off.

I lifted my bunk and pulled up the wooden floor planks that I had loosened over the past few days.  Right Colonel Hogan, keep Sargent Shultz busy and I’ll be out of here in no time.  I thought to myself and chuckled.  I dropped to the ground under the hut, replacing the boards so no one would be the wiser and I scoped out the area around my hut.

My timing had to be just right.

 I knew, from watching the guards, oh excuse me, the “attendants” (really, how many attendants do you know that walk a perimeter with AK-47s?) that I had a very small window of opportunity here.  As soon as I saw the two sets of boots cross by my hiding place under the wooden hut, I counted silently to 7 and knew they would have turned the corner, out of sight.  I now had 12 seconds to move across the open space between my hut and the next one over, which just happened to be the headquarters building, before the next set of “attendants” and the search light came by my hiding spot.

I scrambled across the open space and slid in under the headquarters building with 2 seconds to spare.
I had to slow my breathing, to insure I wasn’t heard, but lucky for me, all those days of morning PT (They call it Pie Therapy, but really it’s Physical Torture) were paying off.  My breathing hardly strayed at all.

I scuttled under the larger hut and came out on the other side being sure to stick to the shadows.  This one would be more difficult since I hadn’t had a chance to reconnoiter this out as thoroughly.  My plans were to study the layout of the guards and the search lights, make notes if necessary and return or, if my luck held, press on with my plans to escape and hit that little pie shop in the next town over.

Yeah, I knew where the pie shop was.  I knew where ALL the pie shops were.  They couldn’t stop me.
As I watched, it became apparent that this was a mostly unguarded section of the camp.  I suppose it made sense, being behind the headquarters building, but one thing I was sure, they wouldn’t leave it completely unguarded.

I concentrated on the ground directly in front of me, using my infra-vision that most magical creatures have.  Being able to see heat sources in the dark has saved many a magical hide in the past.
By concentrating, I could see very faint blobs of heat buried right under the surface of the ground.  What in the world could that be?  Little creatures?  But none of the blobs seemed to be moving.  Thinking of the hot day we had earlier, I realized that they were something buried right under the surface that had warmed up, but hadn’t cooled at the same rate as the rest of the ground.  That explained the lack of “attendants” on this side of the building and the lack of attention.  The whole area was filled with landmines.

Now, it made sense and now I had a decision to make.  For the time being at least, I could see the landmines.  I knew where each one was, or at least I was pretty sure I knew where MOST of them were, but I had no idea how much longer it would take for them to cool to the point that I wouldn’t be able to see them anymore.  It might have been my imagination, but it already seemed like they were beginning to fade and become fainter while I was watching.

I made up my mind, took a deep breath, and made a break for it.

Running, crouched over, making sure my tail stayed up in the air, concentrating on exactly where I put each foot and moving as quickly as possible, I headed for the hilly area towards the back of the camp.

Run, step, step, crouch, watch, don’t miss, where’s the next blob? Keep running; keep the tail up, UP dammit, UP!  Don’t touch the blobs.

I could probably survive a landmine, no problem.  My hide was tougher than that, but it would probably slow me down and make enough noise to wake up the whole camp.

So, step, step, run, lift, hurry, hurry, hurry.

 I made it in much better time that I would have thought.  Damn, maybe those exercises were paying off.  As I threw myself over the first low hill and lay there resting momentarily, I had to admit that I was probably in the best shape of my life.  Huh.  I’d of never figured that as a benefit of what I’d been going through.

I smiled to myself and thought about how good I really did feel right now.  I was excited, on a real life adventure, instead of just flying around and burning villages and eating virgins, I was successfully sneaking through the woods and escaping and evading.  Me against them; matching wits with that bastard Gunnery Sargent.  I wonder if all Gunnery Sergeants were bastards; seems like not having your parents being married when you were born would just be the perfect start to a life of assholedness.  Or maybe they were just puked up by some hideous ogre looking thing in a cave somewhere.  That’s not really fair to ogres, though.  Some of my friends were ogres.  None of them would stoop so low as to puke up a gunnery Sergeant.

The real funny thing was, I hadn’t even thought about pies since I started this.

Hmm.

Pies….

Really?

It just didn’t have the same appeal to me now that I was running for my life.

Okay, enough.  Time to start moving again.

As I made my way through the back country portion of the camp, an area I was somewhat familiar with from my morning runs, I wondered if I was far enough away to fly and not be detected by the camps radar.  That bastard gunny was quite pleased with showing me how it worked the first day I was here.  By releasing a pigeon, the gunny explained the whole thing to me.

“You see this little birdie?  This little biddy birdie can’t get out, and you great big birdy can’t get out.”

He then released the pigeon and when it got about 15 feet in the air, a short siren went off, the rattle of a chain gun sounded and the pigeon was nothing but feathers a short second later.

“The radar is set for 15 feet, dragon my boy, and the fences are all 25 feet tall.  I think even someone as lunk-headed as you can do the math on that scenario!”

And he stalked off laughing as he went, singing a little ditty about roasted dragon steaks.

The bastard.

So no, I decided flying out at this point was not a good idea.

I heard the truck before I saw it.  I laid down flat in a gully and covered myself in mud and cold water in case they were using Night Vision Goggles.  The truck came round the corner of the dirt road I had been following and came to a stop.

“I thought I saw something moving over in this direction.”

Ah, so they were using NVGs.  That was going to change things.  I started shutting down my internal fire breathing biological functions.  Dragons give off a huge heat signature, but mostly because our biggest form of defense, and offence for that matter, was breathing fire.  But that can be controlled.  It’s unnatural, to do so, purposely giving up our primary weapon, but it can be done.  Especially in an older, more mature dragon.  And once that’s done, we’re basically lizards.  Cold blooded creatures with a very small heat signature.  So, I hunkered down in the muck and mud and became as small and cold as I could.  It takes a little bit of time to get the fire breathing apparatus started back up again, so I was basically a sitting duck if they decided to check out my gully.

“Probably a deer or a bear or something,” another voice answered.

“Oh, a big black bear would be cool!” said the first voice.  “I’d love to see what this mini chain gun does to a giant bear!”

“Yeah, well keep in mind, if you fire that sum-bitch off, you’re gonna have everyone in the camp down here investigating.  You think the Gunny is gonna appreciate bein’ woke up in the middle of the night ’cause you decided you wanted to play with a bear?”

“Good point.  Let’s head back.”

“That’s about what I figured.”

Whew!  That was close!  Way too close.

As I rolled over and sat up, I came face to face with the biggest meanest looking bear I had ever seen in my whole life.  Being in my smaller dragon form, I knew I didn’t really stand much of a chance against him.  Changing into my huge dragon form would not only take too long, but probably bring those guards right back to me and I already discussed how my fire breath was out of the question.

As I stared him in the eyes and he stared me in the eyes, both of us looking concernedly at the other, the bear said, “Do you think they’re gone?”

Holy shit a talking bear!

“Um, yeah.  I um guess so.” I stammered out.

“Whew!  That was close, huh? All because of a couple of pic-a-nic baskets. Geez, maybe Booboo and the ranger were right.  Maybe I shoulda stayed in Jellystone.  Okay, well… see ya!”

As the big assed bear went ambling off in the woods, he turned once and said, “You don’t have a pic-a-nic basket or a pie or anything, do ya?”

All I could do was mutter, “No.  No, I don’t.”

“Eh, it’s what I figgered.  See ya around.”  And he turned and headed deeper into the forest.

“Yeah…ah… see ya…”

I took off the other way in a running trot designed to eat up the distance.

After an hour or so, with the moon beginning to hang low in the sky, I came to another fence.  This was it, probably the outer fence to the camp.  This one was 25 feet tall, with double strands of barbwire across the top and due to the dead foliage around the base, it was obviously electrified.

But, I hadn’t come all this way just to be stymied by a damn fence.

But, how to get over it?

And that was the thing, wasn’t it?  I couldn’t go over it.

I couldn’t go through it.

That only left one thing…going under it.

As I walked along the fence line I found several depressions, some of them quite deep, that went under the fence, and in every single one of them there was a dead animal at the bottom.  I came to realize that the electricity not only went through the fence, but at least several feet under the fence.  But the question was, how far under the fence did it go?  I didn’t have time to dig and experiment.  Sunrise was on its way along with the obligatory roll call and the not finding of the dragon in his hut.

I came to a river.  The fence went over the river and partially down into the river.  I could see where the water was sizzling and boiling where the fence met the top, but I couldn’t tell how far down it went.  Was it possible to dive deep enough to get under the heat and electricity?

Did I have a choice?

What were my choices?
#1.  I could dive down under the fence and possibly get out or possibly get fried alive.  I could hear Chef Lethal’s voice in my head, “Technically you’d be getting braised/stewed alive.”
#2.  I could try to make it back to my hut before roll call and live to try another day.
#3.  I could try to fly over the fence and possibly get out or possibly get shot down by that damn chain gun.
#4.  I didn’t have a number 4.

Okay, so three choices.  I think number 2 was out because I honestly didn’t think I had time enough left to get back in time.

Two choices.

I think number 3 was out because I saw what happened to that pigeon and how fast it had taken place.

One choice.

I sat on the edge of the river and hyperventilated my lungs to get as much oxygen in there as I could.  It had been two weeks since I’d had a cigar, I was in pretty good shape and I was very motivated to dive as deep and as far as I could.

When I felt I was ready and had my nerve up, I dived into the water.

Holy crap, that mountain run off stream was cold!  I dove down deep, deeper; until I felt the muddy bottom in my hands.  The river was rapidly pulling me towards the fence line and I could feel the water getting hotter and hotter.  I scrunched myself down as low to the bottom as I could get, but the heat just kept increasing.  I imagined how painful a death this was going to be and realized my only regret was not being able to see my buddy Lethal one more time.

Yes, I know how crazy that sounded, but you know, for all the fact that he put me in here, it wasn’t really him that put me in here, it was me.  I had put me in here.  I allowed my draconian skills and mentality to be overwhelmed by something as stupid as pie.  Now I was going to fry to death.  Now that I was in the best shape of my life, now that I couldn’t care less about pie and really only wanted to be with my friends, cuddle with my girls.

The heat was excruciating.  I could feel the scales beginning to curl and melt on my back.  I pushed myself even flatter to the bottom.  This was the end.

No more Joking with my buddy Lethal.

No more teasing my Jersey Girl Ginny.

No more slap and tickle with Diaman.

No more picking on Paul

No more…

The heat became so intense, that was the last thing I remembered.  Blackness overwhelmed me.  My last thought being how poetically just it was that I was going out like a pie in an oven.

I woke up lying on the side of the river, my head laying in the softest lap I had ever laid in.  At least it felt that way at the time.

“Silly dragon…” that was Diaman’s voice.

“Bloody git o’ a dragon!” Lethal?

“Hold still you darn lizard.  Let me finish putting this healing cream on your back.” And Ginny.

All my friends were here.  I must be in heaven.

“Let him suffer a bit more.  Who’d of thought the big lummox would have done something so feckin stupid.  I guess I really should have known.” Lethal, but his voice was a lot softer and more caring than I would’ve figured.

“How’d you find me?” my voice cracking slightly.

Diaman answered, “We‘ve been using Robo-you to watch you the whole time you’ve been here.  When you finally got your head on straight enough, this was supposed to be your graduation exercise.  We really didn’t think you’d get as far as you did, but you proved us all wrong.  We knew you were planning on escaping, but figured you’d get caught and brought back and the trial would prove that you were finally cured of the pie addiction.  But, you got further than anyone figured.  Once you reached the fence, we knew there was nowhere for you to go and that should’ve been that.  You would have had to return or they would have eventually found you, but no one figured you’d go for a different option.  If that river had been a little lower or the water not quite so cold…” her voice faded out.

“What she’s trying to say is that you damn near killed yourself you stupid fookin’ lizard!”  Lethal glanced down at me and I swear I saw a glistening to his eyes.  “Come on ya great daft arse, me new Leprechaun One is idling in the field over there, we can be back to the keep in a couple of hours and let the vet take a look at our field dressings and make sure you’re not going to have any scars to mess up your pretty scaly hide.”  The last was said with the normal sarcasm and curmudgeonly attitude that I’d grow to know and love.

“Thanks my friends.” I said and we left.

 

There are days when I feel just like this!

I’ve always said that I don’t have to be the fastest runner…I just can’t be the slowest.  That’s why I’m ALWAYS armed!

 

It’s a mystery what coulda killed ‘em.  Probably the fashion police hit squad.

 

I’ve gotten a bunch of Humorous Military stuff so I’m starting a new section and will continue it until I run out… So, may I present:

 

The third day of spring in Indiana…

Oh come on!!!

 

 

Jeff Dunham’s newest puppet.  It’s a dragon… on a stick!

 

 

The Definition of a positive Attitude…

Late in the night, Impish Dragon regained consciousness.

He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital’s ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.  He realized that he’d obviously been in a serious accident.

The nurse gave him a deep look, straight into his eyes and her heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

Somehow Impish managed to mumble in reply, “Well, can I feel your tits, then?”

THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS CALLED A POSITIVE ATTITUDE.

 

 

 

 

 

Great observation…

 

 

This is our instructor in one of our more advanced classes of outdoor survival.  A student favorite subject and instructor.

 

 

 

Impressive Speed and frightening accuracy and dexterity…on a Xylophone!!!!  Truly amazing.

 

This cool website is sent to us by Stephanie and like she says…”Coffee is meant to be drank, but this is still pretty cool.”  http://distractify.com/pinar/caffeinated-paintings/?v=1  Here’s a little peek..

 

Okay, so it’s a little on the old side, but it’s also one of my favorite jokes of all time…

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?”

When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Saviour,” But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ‘JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!”

 

OBAMA wants us to cut the amount of gasoline we use…..

The best way to stop using so much gasoline is to deport 15 million illegal immigrants!

That would be 15 million less people using our gas.
The price of gas would come down…..
Bring our troops home from Afghanistan to guard the borders….

When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Afghanistan ….

Tell him if he wants to come to AMERICA then he must serve a tour in OUR military….

Give him a soldier’s pay while he’s there and tax him on it……

After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country…..
He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident……
This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Afghanistan and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. …….

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Afghanistan anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.

Problem solved…..

Now that’s a squared up snake!!

 

Yeah, that worked out really well!

 

 

 

 

This is great!  And thankfully, it has subtitles because a lot of the talking is overwhelmed by the laughter.

 

 

As promised, here’s another bunch of…

Holy Shit!  That was a lot of Holy Shit Motivationals…and that ain’t all.  Tune in next week for a few more!

 

Okay, this next one is just bloody awful!  Horrible!  Terrible!  If you don’t groan after this one, then something is seriously wrong with you!!

If you wish to know who is to blame for this affront to humor….well, it’s K2!!!

 

By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm. The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone.

“Hank,” the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. “Did you see this terrible accident happen?”

“Yep. Sure did,” the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor’s engine.

“Do you realize that was Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?”

“Yep.”

“Were there any survivors?”

“Nope. They’s all kilt straight out,” the farmer answered. “I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning.”

“Well,” the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. “He kepta-saying he wasn’t…

But you know how bad that sumbitch lies.”

 

 

 

I had planned on posting a scathing review of something new that was stupid that Obama or his assinine administration had done.  But, instead, I’m sending you this, from Ginny.  She sent it to me and I was touched so much that I want to send it to each and every one of you.  It’s called,

 

A brief update before we get started. I’m happy to report Impish’s Family Emergency is resolving itself, abet somewhat slower than anyone would like. He’s catching up on everything he was forced to drop to deal with the family emergency. The big ham assures me he is on track to rejoin us for Saturday’s issue so there will be plenty of Impish to carve up for Easter Sunday dinner no worries.

We now return you to our normally scheduled issue of Leprechaun Laughs shown in its entirety.

 

As you get off the elevator or escalator you notice signs posted every 10 feet in the corridor leading to the conference room.

Several plastic bins are already mostly full with discarded contraband pranks, Squirting flowers, hand buzzers, stink bombs even a boxes of Mayo refilled cream donuts abound in the piles.

A separate container of far more robust manufacture can be seen behind sand bags where 2 CyberLethals are carefully lowering a box displaying the logo of  Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes inside its protection.

  Lethal is standing behind a clear protective shield on the podium as you enter looking as though he was in the front row of a Gallagher Comedy Concert. He appears to be covered head to toe in a plastic poncho and wearing some sort of full facial protection.

Welcome folks to April Fools Day 2015 or as some of us here refer to it “Impish’s Insufferably Imbecilic & Idiotic Pranks Day” See Impish never met a pranks regardless of how childish he didn’t like- as long as he’s not the brunt of it. Word has it he’s still smarting over the old shaving cream pie delivery announcement of his intervention and looking for payback today however he can get it.

That’s more or less the bad news. Why is it bad news? Because he tends to be a tad- indiscriminate lets call it when it comes to collateral damage from his pranks. Ah! See? NOW you’re beginning to understand! You proximity to me makes you potential recipients as well!

OK! OK! I’m going already!  YEESH!

I was going to mention the good news. Oh! NOW I can stay?

The good news is that Easter is a scant 4 days away which for those Catholics among us means an end to all that Fish on Fridays, self imposed acts of depravation to demonstrate piety and the return of an important food group to our diets – the Chocolate & Alcohol Food Group! This of course is to say nothing about the bowl of Eternal Egg Salad which will magically appear about the Wednesday after in your refrigerators.

OK I’m really getting nervous out here in the open so I’m out of here.

Enjoy the issue!

As Lethal turns to exit the podium a loud -CLICK!- echoes in the room coming from the stand Lethal uses behind the podium. Immediately Lethal falls sideways off the stand and continues to roll away from it just as a bucket of water followed by a 5# bag of flour lands where he had been a split second ago. Suddenly all the screens in the room light up with the image of Impish in his  Rehab cell jumping excitedly from foot to foot and chatter a mile a minute.

“The-signal-just-went-off-Terrance-I-heard-it.- Good-work-you’ll-get-a-raise-for-this.-He’ll-never-suspect-it-was-me-who-April-Fools-pranked-his-mean-green-little-ass…all-the-way-from-Rehab-Boot-Camp-where-that-damned-Stalinistic-Shoe-Elf-sent-me-to-be-tortured.

Uhh…Wait! What the…Why am I seeing the Conference Room? Who’s the little plastic wrapped dude? Is that Lethal?…. Ut-oh! Uhh..errmm.. HI YA PAL! APRIL FOOLS? That really wasn’t me that tried the old water the flour gag on ya-really. No, seriously Dude, I was uhh…just trying to claim credit so I could say April Fools when you got all mad at me…yeah that’s what it was.

Lethal Buddy? Aren’t you going to say something? Hey thanks for having Robo-me repaired so I have someone to play DragonQuest with! You got to know I totally understand why you sent me here- its for my own good after all. You know I know how much you hate April Fools Day and all the pranks. You know I’d never do anything like that right? It’s all a big misunderstanding, just a mistake- okay pal? Don’t get mad ok? PLEASE?!

Lethal? Aren’t you going to say anything?”

<Lethal pulls his tablet from under his poncho and taps on it for a minute>

“Uhh…Lethal? Come on now pal I’m miserable enough here please- no revenge! I mean come on it didn’t even work- not that it was my prank- I’m not even there! You can’t hold me responsible for any suggestion I might had accidentally made when talking about the classic April Fools gags of old with Terrance now can you?”

<Lethal has stopped tapping on his tablet and returned it to the safety of the poncho’s interior. He raises the safety visor and can be seen to actually be smiling quite merrily.>

“Uhh…what did you do Lethal? I know that smile! That’s your someone’s-about-to-pay-really-big revenge smile!”

<Behind Impish Robo-Impish can be seen and heard groaning to life.>

“Huh? What? I didn’t turn him on! What the…?”

<Robo Impish appears to have been upgraded to a transformer while Lethal repaired it. As you watch it undergoes a metamorphosis of sorts as it shambles towards Impish. Wings disappear, forearms lengthen, the tail shortens and fattens, horns retract as does the snout which becomes broader. All the changes are causing it to looks slightly familiar. You can’t quite place the resemblance until just prior to wrapping its robotically strong arms about Impish in a near death hug when its coloring suddenly turns from shades of Blue to Purple and Green.

As Impish starts shrieking and frantically attempting to free himself from the mechanical representation of his nemesis pleading sobbingly for leniency and forgiveness. Lethal turns, winks while shooting a thumbs up at you all and heads off stage calling-

“TERRANCE! DON’T TRY RUNNING AND HIDING LIKE YOUR BOSS- IT’S ONLY TIRED YOU’LL WIND UP AND WORSE YOU’LL MAKE THINGS!”

Mean time over the slowly fading screams and whimpers of Impish as the picture from his Barracks cell dissolves into another No April Fools logo you hear singing:

 

The Moral to Today’s Opening: NEVER prank the reigning Prince of the Pranksters!

 

 

69-year-old comedienne has the Opry in stitches!

This 69-year-old comedienne is as spry as a spring chicken! That’s Jeanne Robertson performing live at the Grand Ole Opry. She has this country-loving crowd rolling in the aisles laughing!

 

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde who knocks everyone’s socks off. She hangs on Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.

Bob’s buddies at the club are all agog. They finally corner him alone and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?”
“What do you mean, girlfriend?” Bob replies. “She’s my wife!”

They’re knocked over, and press on.

“How in the world did you persuade her to marry you?” they ask.
“Well,” he admits, “I lied about my age.”
“You cad!” one says, breaking the shocked silence.

“What, did you tell her you were only 50 or something?” asked another.

“No,” Bob smiles. “I told her I was 90.”

 

April Fools’ Day: Origin and History

The uncertain origins of a foolish day

April Fools’ Day, sometimes called All Fools’ Day, is one of the most light-hearted days of the year. Its origins are uncertain. Some see it as a celebration related to the turn of the seasons, while others believe it stems from the adoption of a new calendar.

New Year’s Day Moves

Ancient cultures, including those of the Romans and Hindus, celebrated New Year’s Day on or around April 1. It closely follows the vernal equinox (March 20th or March 21st.) In medieval times, much of Europe celebrated March 25, the Feast of Annunciation, as the beginning of the new year.

In 1582, Pope Gregory XIII ordered a new calendar (the Gregorian Calendar) to replace the old Julian Calendar. The new calendar called for New Year’s Day to be celebrated Jan. 1. That year, France adopted the reformed calendar and shifted New Year’s day to Jan. 1. According to a popular explanation, many people either refused to accept the new date, or did not learn about it, and continued to celebrate New Year’s Day on April 1. Other people began to make fun of these traditionalists, sending them on “fool’s errands” or trying to trick them into believing something false. Eventually, the practice spread throughout Europe.

Problems With This Explanation

There are at least two difficulties with this explanation. The first is that it doesn’t fully account for the spread of April Fools’ Day to other European countries. The Gregorian calendar was not adopted by England until 1752, for example, but April Fools’ Day was already well established there by that point. The second is that we have no direct historical evidence for this explanation, only conjecture, and that conjecture appears to have been made more recently.

Constantine and Kugel

Another explanation of the origins of April Fools’ Day was provided by Joseph Boskin, a professor of history at Boston University. He explained that the practice began during the reign of Constantine, when a group of court jesters and fools told the Roman emperor that they could do a better job of running the empire. Constantine, amused, allowed a jester named Kugel to be king for one day. Kugel passed an edict calling for absurdity on that day, and the custom became an annual event.

“In a way,” explained Prof. Boskin, “it was a very serious day. In those times fools were really wise men. It was the role of jesters to put things in perspective with humor.”

This explanation was brought to the public’s attention in an Associated Press article printed by many newspapers in 1983. There was only one catch: Boskin made the whole thing up. It took a couple of weeks for the AP to realize that they’d been victims of an April Fools’ joke themselves.

Spring Fever

It is worth noting that many different cultures have had days of foolishness around the start of April, give or take a couple of weeks. The Romans had a festival named Hilaria on March 25, rejoicing in the resurrection of Attis. The Hindu calendar has Holi, and the Jewish calendar has Purim. Perhaps there’s something about the time of year, with its turn from winter to spring, that lends itself to lighthearted celebrations.

Observances Around the World

April Fools’ Day is observed throughout the Western world. Practices include sending someone on a “fool’s errand,” looking for things that don’t exist; playing pranks; and trying to get people to believe ridiculous things.

The French call April 1 Poisson d’Avril, or “April Fish.” French children sometimes tape a picture of a fish on the back of their schoolmates, crying “Poisson d’Avril” when the prank is discovered.

 

I don’t have to celebrate it- I work with it!

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars, and they needed someone very special since only one person could go — and it was a one-way mission: they couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked why he was most qualified and how much he wanted to be paid.

“I’m an engineer, so the mission would have the most chance for success because I can fix anything that goes wrong. As for pay,” he said, “I want a million dollars because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. “I’m a doctor, so I’d be able to keep myself alive to achieve the mission goals. I’d like $2 million: a million to my family, and the rest would be to fund the rest of my work on a technology I just invented that would save thousands of lives.”

The last applicant was Lethal Leprechaun. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”

“How are you more qualified,” asked the interview panel, “and why do you want so much more money?”

“Well,” the Lethal replied, “Clearly the doctor is full of himself; if you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”

There was an old man from Milan,
Whose limericks never would scan.
When told this was so, He said, “Yes, I know.”
But I always try to get as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can.

There was an old man of isles
Who suffered severely from piles.
He couldn’t sit down Without a deep frown
So he had to row standing for miles.

There once was a sculptor named Phideous
Whose sculptures by most were thought hideous.
He carved Aphrodite Without even a nightie
Which shocked all the fussy fastidious.

There was a young girl from Rabat,
who had triplets, Nat, Pat and Tat.
It was fun in the breeding, But hell in the feeding,
When she found she had no tit for Tat.

First Diaman learns to drive the busses, now Ginny wants a turn!

 

 

Lethal’s Laws for 21st Century Life

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Law of a Liberal’s Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

Wilson’s Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, or change it for the worse.

This is Ninja Kitty Anakin demonstrating his mastery of the Force.

Around here I’m apparently responsible for the Red, Blue and gold while Impish takes care of the Green and Yellow sections.

Staying Young

Harriet, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

She goes through a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, and then hears a knock at the door.

It’s a delivery man. “Before you go,” she says after taking the package he brought, “may I ask what age you think I am?”

Looking over her carefully, the driver says, “Judging from your skin, 20.”

She’s very pleased, but before she can say anything, he continues.

“And judging by your hair, 18; and your figure, 25.”

“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushes.

“Hold on there, lady!” he says. “I haven’t added them up yet!”

 

Catholic Honeymoon

On the first day of their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed.

When her husband wasn’t shortly behind her, she got up and went looking for him — and found that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

She asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her.

“I thought you realized,” he replied. “It’s Lent.”

“What?!” she shrieked, almost in tears. “Why, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!”

“Well, you asked, and that’s the answer,” he said, going back to his book.

“But…” she said. “Who did you lend it to, and for how long?”

30-Minute Coq au Vin

Classic coq au vin can take up to two days to prepare, including marinating the chicken overnight. We make a red wine sauce with bacon, mushrooms and pearl onions (the frozen variety, so you can skip the tedious peeling), then slip in rotisserie chicken parts to warm through, and voila!

 

Total Time: 30 min
Prep: 5 min
Cook: 25 min
Yield: 4 servings
Level: Easy

 

 

 

Ingredients

4 slices thick-cut bacon, cut into 1/2 inch strips (about 4 1/2 ounces)
10 ounces cremini mushrooms, halved or quartered
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 1/2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons tomato paste
1 1/2 cups chicken broth
1 cup red wine
1 1/2 cups frozen pearl onions
2 sprigs fresh thyme or pinch dried thyme
2 tablespoons cold unsalted butter, cut into 4 pieces
Pinch sugar, optional
1 cooked rotisserie chicken, cut into 8 pieces
1 teaspoon chopped fresh parsley, for garnish

Directions

Put the bacon into an unheated large, high-sided skillet and cook over medium heat, stirring periodically, until the bacon is browned and crisp, about 8 minutes. Transfer the bacon to a small bowl with a slotted spoon; set aside.

Discard all but 2 tablespoons of the bacon fat in the pan. Increase the heat to medium-high. Add the mushrooms, 1/4 teaspoon salt and several grinds of pepper and cook until browned, 2 to 3 minutes. Stir in the garlic, flour and tomato paste and cook, stirring, until the tomato paste darkens a little, about 1 minute. Add the chicken broth, wine, onions, thyme, 1/2 teaspoon salt and more pepper. Bring to a boil, then let simmer until thickened, about 4 minutes.

Turn the heat down to medium, and whisk in the butter a little at a time. If the sauce tastes a little too acidic, add the sugar. Nestle the chicken and cooked bacon into the sauce, and simmer gently until the chicken is heated through, 6 to 7 minutes. (This could take up to 10 minutes if the chicken is cold, or as little as 3 minutes if it is warm.) Spoon the sauce over the chicken pieces periodically to coat completely. Toss the chicken in the sauce, remove the thyme stems, sprinkle with the parsley and serve.

Meatball-Tortellini Soup

 

 

Total Time: 35 min
Prep: 20 min
Cook: 15 min
Yield: 4 servings
Level: Easy

 

 

 

Ingredients

8 ounces ground beef chuck
1/4 cup grated parmesan cheese, plus more for topping
1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley
1 large egg, lightly beaten
1 clove garlic, grated
Kosher salt and freshly ground pepper
2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
2 carrots, diced
2 stalks celery, diced
1 quart low-sodium chicken broth
1 9 -ounce package refrigerated cheese tortellini
4 cups loosely packed baby spinach (about 3 ounces)

Directions

Combine the beef, parmesan, 2 tablespoons parsley, the egg, garlic, 1/2 teaspoon salt, and pepper to taste in a medium bowl; mix with your hands until just combined. Form into 1-inch meatballs; set aside.

Heat the olive oil in a pot or Dutch oven over medium-high heat. Add the meatballs and cook, turning, until golden, 3 to 4 minutes; remove to a plate. Add the carrots and celery to the pot; cook, stirring, until just softened, about 5 minutes. Add the broth and 3 cups water; bring to a boil. Return the meatballs to the pot along with the remaining 2 tablespoons parsley and 1/2 teaspoon salt. Simmer until the meatballs are just cooked through, about 2 minutes.

Add the tortellini and cook until they float to the top, about 4 minutes. Add the spinach and cook, stirring, until wilted, 1 minute. Season with salt and pepper. Top with more parmesan.

Speaking of fools, someone has already thrown their hat into the ring to replace our present Chief Fool who’s primary job qualifications would seem to have his total lack of experience at anything other than being King of the Liberal Fools.

Apparently in a fit of ‘If-it-worked-for-the-Liberals-why-can’t-it-work-for-us’ logic the Republican’s first hat in the ring is another no experience flashy fool.

Ted Cruz kicks off 2016 presidential campaign on Obamacare anniversary

Author: The Associated Press Published On: Mar 23 2015 04:45:15 PM CDT

(CNN) –

Sen. Ted Cruz opened the first major campaign of the 2016 presidential season Monday with a kickoff speech courting cultural conservatives and declaring that he will devote himself to “reigniting the promise of America.”

One of several Republican hopefuls to rise from the tea party movement, Cruz spoke at Liberty University, the college founded by the late Rev. Jerry Falwell, hours after a wee-hours tweet announcing his White House bid. The choice of the college founded by the late Rev. Jerry Falwell was meant as marker against potential rivals who are also counting on Christian conservatives to fuel their candidacies.

Cruz addressed his religious faith, his father’s Cuban roots and his unquestioned conservative credentials, saying “for so many Americans the promise of America seems more and more distant.”

And he asked the enthusiastic crowd to “imagine a president that finally, finally, finally secures the borders.”

“Imagine a simple flat tax,” he said. “Imagine abolishing the IRS.”

He spoke on the fifth anniversary of President Barack Obama’s health care law — legislation that prompted Cruz to stand for more than 21 hours in the Senate to denounce it in a marathon speech that delighted his tea party constituency and other foes of the law.

By getting in early — and at Liberty — Cruz was hoping to claim ownership of the influential and highly vocal corner of the Republican Party for whom cultural issues are supreme. It was a move at crowding out figures such as former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee, a former Baptist pastor, and former Sen. Rick Santorum, who has made his Catholic faith a cornerstone of his political identity.

Well the fool-flash thing is certainly easily enough to establish just from that admittedly truncated by me to cover the important points I am trying to make little bit. Also we see the favorite-fool play coming out early just as the present Fool in Chief did it. But does he have any qualification and the experience to be President?

7 things to know as US Sen. Ted Cruz enters 2016 presidential race

By The Associated Press Monday, March 23, 2015

THE BRIEF

Ted Cruz is man in a hurry. He won election to the Senate in 2012 as a political rookie, riding a tea party wave to upset a candidate with decades of experience and deep connections inside the Republican Party. He’s proceeded since with the same disregard for the GOP establishment, at times maneuvering quixotically in the Senate to mount an aggressive opposition to President Barack Obama. It’s an approach that has annoyed fellow Republicans — Arizona Sen. John McCain famously labeled Cruz as one of the Senate’s “wacko birds” — but Cruz is unapologetic. As he recently told voters in New Hampshire, “If you see a candidate who Washington embraces, run and hide.” He even announced his candidacy hours ahead of the planned launch, in a post-midnight Twitter message Monday.

RESUME REVIEW

Prior to his election to the Senate, Cruz’s career was centered on practicing law at the highest level. A graduate of Harvard Law School and clerk for Supreme Court Justice William Rehnquist, Cruz led a Houston-based firm’s Supreme Court practice, taught such litigation at the University of Texas and was charged with representing the state before the high court as its solicitor general. He also served in the George W. Bush administration, at both the Federal Trade Commission and as an associate deputy attorney general at the Justice Department.

PERSONAL STORY

The son of Cuban immigrant and American mother, Cruz was born in Calgary, Alberta, on Dec. 22, 1970, while his parents were working in the oil business. He’s since renounced his Canadian citizenship, and lawyers from both parties have said they think he’s eligible to run for president. He and his wife Heidi, a managing director at Goldman Sachs, live in Houston with their two daughters, Caroline and Catherine. His father is now a Texas pastor who draws plenty of his own attention, saying in the past that Obama is a “Marxist” who should be sent “back to Kenya.”

CALLING CARD MOMENT

For 21 hours and 19 minutes in September 2013, Cruz stood in the Senate to urge Congress to cut off money for Obama’s health care law. The marathon speech, which included Cruz reading the Dr. Seuss classic “Green Eggs and Ham” to his daughters, said to be watching their father at home, was partly behind a 16-day partial government shutdown the next month. He later joked the speech featured hours of “my favorite sound” — his own voice.

The tactic was a hit among Cruz’s tea party supporters, who are excited by his entry into the 2016 race. Cruz “will excite the base in a way we haven’t seen in years,” said Amy Kremer, the former head of the Tea Party Express. But Cruz’s uncompromising approach has won him few friends in the Senate. In December, when Cruz defied party leaders to force a vote on Obama’s executive actions on immigration, he again drew fire: “I fail to see what conservative ends were achieved,” said Arizona GOP Sen. Jeff Flake.

From this it’s clear to me that we have another unqualified Obama on our hands, abet from the opposite end of the spectrum., No experience, no qualifications other than pandering to certain groups to make himself popular and certainly no record of co-operation with even his own party. In short we have a potential 8 more years of our current political problems utilizing much the same attitude and tactics just under a different political banner in Cruz.

California Girls (like Diaman) …and New Jersey Girls (like Ginny)

California Girls (like Diaman) blush during love scenes in a movie.
New Jersey Girls (like Ginny) know they could do it better.

California Girls (like Diaman) loosen a few buttons when it’s hot.
New Jersey Girls (like Ginny) make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

California Girls (like Diaman) only own one credit card and rarely use it.
New Jersey Girls (like Ginny) only own one bra and rarely use it.

California Girls (like Diaman) pack their toothbrush.
New Jersey Girls (like Ginny) pack their diaphragms.

California Girls (like Diaman) prefer the missionary position.
New Jersey Girls (like Ginny) do too, but only for starters.

California Girls (like Diaman) say, “No.”
New Jersey Girls (like Ginny) say, “When?”

California Girls (like Diaman) think they’re not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
New Jersey Girls (like Ginny) think they’re fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

California Girls (like Diaman) wax their floors.
New Jersey Girls (like Ginny) wax their bikini lines — or more….

California Girls (like Diaman) wear high heels for a night out.
New Jersey Girls (like Ginny) wear high heels to bed.

Ut-oh! That Dragon has a death wish I swear!

Another Innocent Life Destroyed by Zero Tolerance: Last September Brian Wilson, an assistant principal at Bedford (Va.) Middle School, found a leaf in an 11-year-old student’s backpack. The sixth-grader, who was in the gifted and talented program, says he doesn’t know how it got into his backpack, which had been sitting in an unsecured locker before Wilson grabbed it. Assuming it was marijuana, Wilson called in the school’s “resource officer” — a sheriff’s deputy — to check it out. Deputy M.M. Calohan tested it three times, and every time it came back negative for marijuana, but she “went to a magistrate and swore he possessed marijuana at school,” says Melvin Williams, the boy’s attorney. School officials suspended the boy for 10 days, pending an expulsion hearing. At that hearing, it was decided not to expel the boy, but rather to suspend him …for 364 days. The leaf went to the crime lab for further testing. Months later, the crime lab confirmed the initial tests: it was not marijuana. The school system reluctantly accepted the boy back to class — but only at a different school, and only under “strict probation” until those 364 days are up. But after six months of suspicion and absence from school — not to mention a school-mandated “substance abuse evaluation” — the boy is “withdrawn socially, and is now under the care of a pediatric psychiatrist for panic attacks and depression,” according to his parents, Bruce and Linda Bays, who are both school teachers. After the hearing, “he just broke down and said his life was over,” Linda Bays said. “He would never be able to get into college; he would never be able to get a job.” The Bays family is nearly out of money after paying for lawyers, doctors, and home-schooling, so with Williams’ help, they’ve filed a federal lawsuit against the school and the sheriff’s department for their zero tolerance punishment of their unnamed son’s non-crime. The same attorney is defending both: Jim Guynn has filed a motion to dismiss, saying that the school’s zero tolerance anti-drug policy doesn’t just prohibit actual drugs, but also “lookalike” and “imitation” drugs; that’s “a pretty standard rule across the commonwealth,” Guynn says. “It’s the same punishment and exactly the same result.” (RC/Roanoke Times) …This is an innocent child. And this is the inevitable outcome in a school governed by zero tolerance. Any questions?

A Day at the Races

One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse — a very long shot — won the race.

Before the following race, the Priest blessed yet another horse. Mitch made a beeline for the window, and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet a large amount of money on it, and it won!

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses.

Mitch bet every cent he had, including his life savings and the deed to his house. Mitch then watched the horse come in dead last. He was dumbfounded.

He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, “What happened, Father? All day long you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now, thanks to you, I’ve lost all my savings!”

The priest nodded wisely and said, “That’s the problem with Protestants — you can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites!

 

http://hoaxes.org/aprilfool

 

I swear that’s pretty much Molly’s preferred method for dealing with any insect whenever I’m not around to deal them.

A Book Review

No idea where this brilliant bit came from but it certainly makes me feel inadequate both at writing and humor

The Cat in the Hat is a hard-hitting novel of prose and poetry in which the author re-examines the dynamic rhyming schemes and bold imagery of some of his earlier works, most notably Green Eggs and Ham, If I Ran the Zoo, and Why Can’t I Shower With Mommy? In this novel, Theodore Geisel, writing under the pseudonym Dr. Seuss, pays homage to the great Dr. Sigmund Freud in a nightmarish fantasy of a renegade feline helping two young children understand their own frustrated sexuality.

The story opens with two youngsters, a brother and a sister, abandoned by their mother, staring mournfully through the window of their single-family dwelling. In the foreground, a large tree/phallic symbol dances wildly in the wind, taunting the children and encouraging them to succumb to the sexual yearnings they undoubtedly feel for each other. Even to the most unlearned reader, the blatant references to the incestuous relationship the two share set the tone for Seuss’ probing examination of the satisfaction of primitive needs. The Cat proceeds to charm the wary youths into engaging in what he so innocently refers to as “tricks”. At this point, the fish, an obvious Christ figure who represents the prevailing Christian morality, attempts to warn the children, and thus, in effect, warns all of humanity of the dangers associated with the unleashing of the primal urges. In response to this, the Cat proceeds to balance the aquatic naysayer on the end of his umbrella, essentially saying, “Down with morality; down with God!”

After poohpoohing the righteous rantings of the waterlogged Christ figure, the Cat begins to juggle several icons of Western culture, most notably two books, representing the Old and New Testaments, and a saucer of lactal fluid, an ironic reference to maternal loss the two children experienced when their mother abandoned them “for the afternoon”. Our heroic Id adds to this bold gesture a rake and a toy man, and thus completes the Oedipal triangle.

Later in the novel, Seuss introduces the proverbial Pandora’s box, a large red crate out of which the Id releases Thing One, or Freud’s concept of Ego, the division of the psyche that serves as the conscious mediator between the person and reality, and Thing Two, the Superego, which functions to reward and punish through a system of moral attitudes, conscience, and guilt. Referring to this box, the Cat says, “Now look at this trick. Take a look!” In this, Dr. Seuss uses the children as a brilliant metaphor for the reader, and asks the reader to re-examine his own inner self.

The children, unable to control the Id, Ego, and Superego, allow these creatures to run free and mess up the house, or more symbolically, control their lives. This rampage continues until the fish, or Christ symbol, warns that the mother is returning to reinstate the Oedipal triangle that existed before her abandonment of the children. At this point, Seuss introduces a many-armed cleaning device which represents the psychoanalytic couch, which proceeds to put the two youngsters’ lives back in order.

With powerful simplicity, clarity, and drama, Seuss reduces Freud’s concepts on the dynamics of the human psyche to an easily understood gesture. Seuss’ poetry and choice of words is equally impressive and serves as a splendid counterpart to his bold symbolism. In all, his writing style is quick and fluid, making The Cat in the Hat impossible to put down. While this novel is 61 pages in length, and one can read it in five minutes or less, it is not until after multiple readings that the genius of this modern day master becomes apparent.

Buy the book

Chip Rowe, happens to be the author of the much famed Playboy Advisor. Recently, Chip published Dear Playboy Advisor, a compilation of his favorite letters from the past decade and, of course, his replies. Chip can be pretty funny (indeed, one letter asks for his advice, but grumbles “I don’t want any of your usual coy or sarcastic bullshit, either. I need some practical advice.” Well yeah: he was asking for advice on how to “pick up” models. Unluckily for him, they don’t have handles.)

Anyway, here are some of my favorite Advisor come-backs — get the book to see the complete answers.

Q: Is there a subtle way to ask how a new lover feels about spanking?
A: Besides the fact that they never sit down? It’s hit or miss.

Q: Is it okay to masturbate while wearing boxing gloves?
A: Sure. Knock yourself out.

Q: Has there ever been a successful penis transplant?
A: Are you in search of one or looking to donate?

Q: Is there such a thing as 3-D porn?
A: Sure. Open your eyes during sex. Porn shot in 3D, like porn that’s not shot in 3D, is mostly disappointing.

Q: I have tried in vain to explain to my girlfriend that we are not friends, just as a parent is not his child’s friend. While elements of friendship might be present in these relationships, calling each other friends isn’t accurate. Help!
A: Are you expecting to get laid anytime soon, Mr. Spock?

Q: I met a gorgeous woman at a party. As we spoke, I noticed her touching her neck in the area where her blouse button would be. Any idea what that meant?
A: She wanted you. Or she lost her necklace. Hard to say.

Q: I read an article that says intelligent guys, because they have no social skills and overanalyze dating situations, have trouble with women. True?
A: Genius is a burden, but we’ve managed.

What is your personality type?

 

‘Most Interesting Man’ cutout gets ticket

Washington state trooper gives man $124 citation

Author: By Todd Leopold CNN Published On: Mar 25 2015 10:27:34 AM CDT

(CNN) – Call it “The Most Interesting Traffic Ticket in the World.”

A Washington state trooper caught a driver using a cardboard cutout of Jonathan Goldsmith, the Dos Equis beer pitchman known as “The Most Interesting Man in the World.” The driver, who was by himself, was attempting to use the HOV lane.

“The trooper immediately recognized it was a prop and not a passenger,” Trooper Guy Gill told the New York Daily News. “As the trooper approached, the driver was actually laughing.”

Gill sent out a tweet with a photo of the cutout — who was clad in what looked like a knit shirt, a far cry from his usual attire — and the unnamed laughing driver: “I don’t always violate the HOV lane law…but when I do, I get a $124 ticket! We’ll give him an A for creativity!”

The driver was caught on Interstate 5 near Fife, Washington, just outside Tacoma.

“He could have picked a less recognizable face to put on his prop,” Gill told the Daily News. “We see that a lot. Usually it’s a sleeping bag. This was very creative.”

When last we left Impish he was slowly recovering from being under the weather.

Holy $#%@&! I won the Enchanted Forest Board election in a bad year for Ds (News is talking about Dragons, right?) Now what do I do? Stupid pointy-face horse won too and is talking about forming glitter caucus.

Dragon Diaries Part Four

Went to my first Enchanted Forest Board Meeting. Very frustrating. Spent 3 hrs. arguing over obviously moot point. Clear who was going to win before debate even started. Final vote came in 74-6.

Must not ated fellow board members. Must not ated fellow board members. Must not…

Fall sun has gotten much lower in the sky. Not hitting cat’s bed anymore. Had to cut bigger window. No. Cat is not spoiled. Just ask cat.

Got note from pointy-face horse that glitter caucus is NOT open to big smelly lizards. Asked valet Weasley to dig out Jumbo book of Unicorn Recipes again. Might be worth the indigestion.

What the hell is this white stuff? It fell from the sky! And it’s cold! Do not want!

Used fire breath to melt white stuff in front of cave. Mistake. Now have giant patch of slippy stuff. Nearly fell on my…cat.

Finally got slippy stuff melted away. Then more of the damn white stuff fell. Thinking about napping till March.

Still cold, and now there’s more white stuff on the ground. Not sure whose idea this was, but I’m totally going to ated them.

Tiamat’s witnesses came to tell how Tiamat is source of all things. Me: “Even the cold white stuff from the sky?” Them: “Yes, all things.” So I ated them.

The white stuff stopped falling. Cat says is a co-oincidence and something about correlation and causation, but not to worry because ateding door-to-door sales-initiates is a good thing anyway.

Ated entire roasted roc. Well, almost. Gave cat the giblets, all fifty pounds. Going to hibernate now. Wake me in spring.

Trollscouts just came to cave selling wreaths & cookies. I ated them. The wreaths and the trollscouts that is. The cookies looked a little dicey.

The wreaths were delicious. I could have done without the trollscouts.

Trollscout troll scoutmaster stopped by to lodge complaint about ateding his scouts, said that was his job. I ated him too.

Much better tasting than the scouts, though I still think the wreaths were the best part of that meal.

Beginning to think Trollscouts just a scam to bring soft and crunchy children in for troll scoutmasters to ated. Am now thinking of forming dragonscouts…

If only I could be guaranteed a better class of scout…or at least a tastier one.

Way to crash and burn me Mulder! Wing man of the Year material you ain’t. We’ll take more about you and Scully in a bit, but first I’ve got an issue to introduce.

No I’m not Impish too bloody right.

Impish had a family emergency and I’m covering for him.  If anyone were so inclined a little Prayer Warrior &/or Bead rubbing/ positive vibes type action would not be amiss. He should be back next weekend or you might possibly hear from him with some sort of update/advisory on his situation at some later point in the weekend.

Hate to be terse, uninformative and run but its after 11 PM CST this has to get uploaded by midnight and I really didn’t have any opening comments planned for this issue as I jumped it ahead in my cue at 10:30 and finished it in half an hour. Please for give any lack of polish or mistakes.

Mean while-

 

Mr. Positive

There was a guy named John, who was the most positive guy in the whole world. Every time anyone said something negative, John would always say, “It could have been worse.”

One day, John’s coworkers all got together and decided to come up with a scenario so bad that John couldn’t say that it could have been worse.

When John arrived at work that day, one of his coworkers asked him, “John did you hear what happened to Sam last night?”

John replied, “No, what?”

The coworker replied, “When Sam got home last night, he found his wife in bed with another man. Sam shot the man, his wife, and then turned the gun on himself!”

John replied, “Well, it could have been worse.”

In disgust the coworker replied, “Now how could that have been any worse?”

John replied, “Because if it had been the night before, he would have shot me!”

Two blonde prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

Two Prostitutes — $50.00

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:

Jesus Saves

One of the blondes asks the officer, “How come you don’t stop them?!”

“Well, that’s a little different,” the officer smiled. “Their sign pertains to religion.”

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the same two blonde ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter — $50.00

 

Sometimes its not about the meal itself but rather the accompaniments or condiments. Here are a couple quick easy ones that can make a plain meal stand out

Light Carrot-Ginger Dressing

 

Total Time: 10 min
Prep: 10 min
Yield: 1 cup
Level: Easy

Ingredients

1 medium carrot, roughly chopped
2 tablespoons chopped peeled ginger
1 teaspoon packed light brown sugar
2 tablespoons rice vinegar (not seasoned)
1 teaspoon fresh lemon juice
2 teaspoons low-sodium soy sauce
2 teaspoons sesame oil
Kosher salt

Directions

Put the carrot and 1 cup water in a small saucepan. Bring to a simmer over medium-low heat and cook until tender, about 15 minutes. Reserve 1/2 cup cooking liquid, then drain the carrot.
Puree the carrot and reserved cooking liquid in a blender until smooth. Add the ginger, brown sugar, vinegar, lemon juice, soy sauce, sesame oil and teaspoon salt; pulse until smooth.

No rice vinegar? Me either. I use about half the amount of white vinegar instead. Makes great condiment on most any steamed veg or salad. Not bad drizzled on Chicken or Salmon either.

Italian Salsa

Killer on a Italian Roast Beef and Provolone sandwich, Chicken/Pork cutlets or seafood.

Ingredients

8 piquante peppers, seeded and diced (recommended: Peppadew)
4 Roma tomatoes, seeded and small diced
1/3 cup minced red onion
1/4 cup chopped Italian parsley leaves
2 tablespoons capers, 1 tablespoon roughly chopped, 1 tablespoon whole
2 tablespoons piquante pepper juice
1 tablespoon minced garlic, about 2 cloves
1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil
1 teaspoon freshly cracked black pepper
Pinch kosher salt

Directions

Combine all the ingredients in a nonreactive bowl. Set aside and allow the flavors to marry.

RELAX! ‘Piquante Peppers’ is essentially just a brand name for cherry peppers. You can usually find them in the store in the area of pickled veggies. Generally they come in red &/or green. Some makers mix them some segregate (much to the consternation of ACLU & So. Poverty Law Center Cooks everywhere). Can’t find them? Use pepperoncini peppers in their stead

Personally I use the green ones when making this because of the added color boost it gives. If your capers are the kind in salt as opposed to brine be sure to give them a quick rinse or omit the Kosher salt entirely.

The juice from the jar of peppers is as much about the vinegar in the brine and it is the heat in the juice. To make it a bit milder you can omit the juice and replace it with lemon juice or balsamic vinegar.

Lastly a grilled slice of EVOO brushed baguette rubbed post grilling with a garlic clove topped with an 1/8 thick slice of fresh farmers cheese or Queso Fresco/ Queso Blanco and some of this Italian salsa makes for killer hors d’oeuvres.

  

‘X-Files’ returning to Fox for six episodes

(CNN) Smoking Man, time to light another cigarette.

Fox announced Tuesday that “The X-Files,” the series about the paranormal that ran for nine seasons in the ’90s and early ’00s, is returning for a special six-episode “event.”

Stars David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson are both back to play Fox Mulder and Dana Scully, those FBI agents who always got a little too close to the truth.

” ‘The X-Files’ was not only a seminal show for both the studio and the network, it was a worldwide phenomenon that shaped pop culture — yet remained a true gem for the legions of fans who embraced it from the beginning. We’re ecstatic to give them the next thrilling chapter of Mulder and Scully they’ve been waiting for,” Fox executives Dana Walden and Gary Newman said in a statement.

Anderson wasted no time in tweeting the news.

Mulder, it’s me. Are you ready? MT @MichaelAusiello XF Revival Official @DavidDuchovny & @GillianA Back for 6 New Eps http://t.co/qZi1v8RazZ

— Gillian Anderson (@GillianA) March 24, 2015

“The X-Files” concerned Mulder, an FBI agent who believes in paranormal phenomena, and Scully, who served as a check on his impulses. The series produced some memorable characters — particularly the Smoking Man, a key focal point of the series’ various conspiracy theories — and resulted in two movies.

Vince Gilligan, who later created “Breaking Bad,” got his start on “The X-Files” and occasionally paid tribute to the show on his later series.

Show creator Chris Carter, who will also oversee the new series, said he thought of the hiatus between 2002, when the “X-Files” went off the air, and this year as “a 13-year commercial break.”

But the timing is perfect, he added in a statement.

“The good news is the world has only gotten that much stranger, a perfect time to tell these six stories,” he said.

No premiere date was announced.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Affair

Arnold Schwarzenegger waited until after his term as governor of California ended to tell his wife that he had fathered a child with one of their “household staff” members — ten years before. She left him.

With that, we offer this joke…

Saying that he now has Total Recall, Arnold Schwarzenegger told his wife Maria Shriver that he was done telling True Lies, and gave her The Rundown. He promised that the household servant was positively his Last Action Hero. He said he had been taking care of Junior financially because the woman had refused his Eraser proposal. The Villain was just grateful she didn’t have Twins.

By The 6th Day after her husband’s confession, Maria had embarked on The Long Goodbye toward the End of Days — “Who’s the Terminator now, bucko?” she said before slamming the door behind her.

The governor’s mistress, referred to in reports only as “Red Sonja” (who attracted Ahnold in the first place by going Commando around the mansion), insists the governor was a Predator who was often in Red Heat around her. Still, she had to admit she enjoyed his favorite bedtime game, Around the World in 80 Days, and said the 63-year-old governor was still capable of Pumping Iron.

Schwarzenegger’s reputation is in shambles, and he claims he has gotten a Raw Deal. He has become a Running Man who can’t seem to get anyone to answer his calls. His career in shambles, it seems the only job he qualifies for now is as a Kindergarten Cop.

 

 

 

Cheating Ex-fiancé Demands Another Chance  & Gets Response She Deserves

 

 

 

 

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn’t mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, “Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?”

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, “Well, how was it?”

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

“Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.”

What If Food Was Dirty and Sex Was Clean?

All ya’ll best don your Gallagher Protection Ponchos and safety glasses before proceeding. I’m guessing Impish’s head exploded before he’s more than halfway through this next bit as his mind boggles then finally overloads.

When you think of it, there are only two things you need to make people. You got to have sex. You got to have food. That’s it. You don’t need clothing, shelter, or TV. Okay, maybe TV, but otherwise, it’s sex and food. But for some reason, sex is “dirty”. Maybe God was a Republican. Somebody said, “All right, you want to propagate, go ahead, but only late at night, with all the doors closed, the lights off, the man on top — once a week, and that’s it.”

But not only can you eat the charred decaying flesh of other major mammals, you can do it in broad daylight and invite all your friends to watch: “Hey, Chuck, why don’t you come over on Sunday? We’re going to kill a pig, cut him up, burn him, and eat him. Bring the kids. We’ll have a hell of a time.”

What if they had been switched around? What if, through a simple twist of fate, sex was clean but food was dirty? Our entire culture would change. Food would become a four-letter word.

When people got angry at you, they’d yell out “Oh yeah? Well, food you. Suck cheese you Popsicle slurper.”

Punks in passing cars would flip you the fork.

Flashers would have pizzas strapped to their chests. “Ohmigod. It’s a pepperoni.”

Locker room talk would change. “Hey, man, how’d you do this weekend?” “Two burgers and a bag of fries. Crinkle cut.” “Ooooohhhhhhh, sweet!”

Garlic would be illegal in most Southern states.

Supermarkets would check I.D.’s and charge admission to the poultry section.

Frederick’s of Hollywood would feature peekaboo napkins and day-of-the-week paper plates.

Foreplay would be listed as a menu selection.

Vice squads would conduct raids on backyard barbecues. “All right, put down your meat. Just back away from the buns, mister.”

Vegetarians would be prohibited from becoming teachers and a lot of them would move to the Bay Area.

Hookers would become cooks. You’d be accosted on street corners by plump ladies in day-Glo aprons. “Hey, big boy, looking for a hot meal? Wanna crack some crab?”

Fundamentalist Christians would make meat and potatoes a religious tenet.

Many sexual positions would be found to be carcinogenic.

Parents would tell their children not to play with their food or they’ll go blind.

And most of all…

Kids would remember the first time their mother caught them marinating.

 

When last we left Impish he had just discovered that eating Tiamat’s worshipers was not unlike eating a bag of Cheetos, you always want just a few more.

Just sent letter to Tiamat’s witnesses asking them to send more missionaries. Want to try new recipe Aunt Kayath gave me.

Am thinking of trying vegetarian diet for a week or two to clean out the pipes. No ateding carnivores or omnivores. Aunt Kayath swears by it. She recommends elves only, but that seems a little extreme.

Not looking forward to Enchanted Forest Board elections. Don’t like to lose. But not so sure winning is a win over the long run. Wish I could ated elf that nominated me again. Once wasn’t enough.

Had door-to-door encyclopedia salesman today. Delicious. Wonder if ateding books too will make me smarter?

Learned today that fire breath + head cold + sneeze = flaming snot napalm. Cat is fine but not going to forgive me soon.

Cat is still VERY fluffy today. One little flaming snot incident and it’s big-tail city. You’d think I started the litter box on fire intentionally. It’s not like cat didn’t have time to get out of the way. Maybe if I fetch a fish…

Learned another lesson about dragon colds. Toasted knights! They’re wonderful for your throat—scritchy outside and gooey inside. Oh and great with tomato soup.

Stupid cold. Stupid fever. Woke up to find cat putting kettle on my forehead for tea. I’m not _that_ hot. Threatened to sneeze on litterbox again.

Feeling much better. Have a craving for Tiamat’s witnesses. Perhaps I can stop in at the restau…church and pick up a six-pack.

Cat talked me into flu shot. They used a HARPOON! No, literally, said the salvaged it from an old whaler just for dragons. Painful _and_ humiliating.

Suppose it could have been worse. They could have used pointy-face horse horn.

Cat is asleep on my head. Looks rather like a cute feline mohawk. Especially since cat’s blankie is a purple plushie. Not sparkly. Maybe fuzzy, fuzzy, fuzzy?

Still a tiny bit sick. Was drinking iced tea and sneezed fire down the straw. Burned the tea on the bottom. Love the smoky flavor it created. Will do that again, only without the sneeze part.

Good morning folks!

Find yer selves a seat now right quick if ya would. ‘Tis a fairly full issue we have today and I’ve a lot of other work that needs me attention.

<Lethal pauses a moment for things to settle>

There ‘tis much better now, I thank ye kindly.

So Impish, I suppose understandably, failed to make observance of last Friday being The Spring Equinox or for those of us given to observing the ‘uld ways’ Ostara. This year it was made especially remarkable by a lunar eclipse.

Ginny and those of you in New England certainly came up with an interesting way of celebrating the First Day of Spring. Nothing quite says ‘SPRING!’ like 5 inches of flurries!

Anyway, as I was saying, I like to get a photograph or 2 of eclipses when I can as they are rare and always make for dramatic photos. Here is one I took a couple years ago with Impish in it before he developed that damned “bakery on his back” addiction:

So I thought to get away and grab a quick snap or two of this one since its wasn’t that much of a jump from incarcerating ah umm… committing Impish to the Rehab/Deprograming facility. I was particularly excited because I had recently gotten a camera attachment for my telescope as a gift from Impish. Turns out his intention was to borrow the entire set up to go play Peeping Shutterbug Tom with during Spring Break (thanks for the idea pal it really works out quite well!). To say I was shocked when I got the picture is a bit of an understatement. See what I mean?

Anyways lets light the fuse on this puppy shall we? More about Impish and his situation as well as Molly and her condition can be found in the issue. If you’ve not read the comments section of his Saturday Issue I recommend doing so as it might help to make some of the comments later in the issue a bit more clear (and funny)

Hypnosis Success

A woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.”

“No more headaches? How?”

His wife replies, “Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, ‘I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.’ It worked! The headaches are all gone.”

The husband replies, “Well, that’s wonderful.”

His wife then says, “You know, you haven’t exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don’t you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?”

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed, and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, “Wow! That was wonderful!”

The husband says, “Don’t move! I’ll be right back.” He returns to the bathroom and then goes back to the bedroom, and round two is even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.” With that, he goes back into the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing in front of the mirror, saying, “She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife.”

Stephen Stills – Love The One You’re With

 

Pleading Your Case to St. Peter

A man arrives in Heaven and appears before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter looks over his paperwork. The guy looks OK, but he wants to be sure. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asks.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the man replies. “On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers threatening a young woman. I warned them to leave her alone.”

“That’s impressive,” the gatekeeper says. “Then what happened?”

“Well, they wouldn’t back off, so I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, ‘Now back off, biker boy, or you’ll answer to me!‘”

“That’s really brave,” St. Peter said, clearly impressed. “But I don’t have it in your paperwork. When did this happen?”

“Let’s see,” the man says, looking at his watch. “About a minute and a half ago.”

Geeze! Another “Dedicated to Something or Other”  Day! At least this one sort of makes sense! Anyway in honor of the rather recently  dedicated day devoted to celebration and enjoyment of J. R. R. Tolken’s works I have Purloined and Perverted a wee bit o’ Tolken’s arguably most famous prose thusly:

One Leprechaun to run it all, One Dragon who finds them,
One Blog to join them all and in Concentrism bind them
In the WordPress where DragonLaffs hosts.

Tolkien Reading Day is held on the 25^th of March each year.

It has been organized by the Tolkien Society since 2003 to encourage fans to celebrate and promote the life and works of J.R.R. Tolkien by reading favorite passages. We particularly encourage schools, museums and libraries to host their own Tolkien Reading Day events.

Each year we also announce a Tolkien Reading Day theme. Keep an eye on our website for details.

Why 25 March?

The 25^th of March is the date of the the downfall of the Lord of the Rings (Sauron) and the fall of Barad-dûr. It’s as simple as that!

As the 25^th is obviously a fixed date, we suggest that local events could be held on the weekend prior to then if that’s more convenient.

History

Tolkien Reading Day began following an enquiry from Sean Kirst, a columnist of the The Post-Standard (a paper local to Syracuse, New York), in January 2002:

My grandparents were fishing folk from Buckie in the north of Scotland, carriers of the old stories and legends, and the trilogy has filled a certain hole in my life. I have many friends here in New York who were equally moved by the book, reignited by the film, and we all wondered: is there any day devoted informally to readings from the trilogy, in the way that “Bloomsday” is devoted to Joyce?

The committee liked the idea so much that they choose 25 March 2003 to be the first “Tolkien Reading Day”, and the rest, as they say, is history!

Now if you’ll excuse me I have some old and dear friends to reacquaint myself with. Meet me at the Prancing Pony and I’ll buy you all a round!

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband. The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?”  All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?”  Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn’t
remember.  The women then were told to take out their cell phones and
text to their  husband: “I love you, sweetheart.”  The women then
were instructed to exchange phones with another person, and to read
aloud the text message they received, in response to their message.

Below are 12 replies; some are hilarious. If you have been married for
quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true
love….who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What’s wrong?

4. What now? Did you crash the car again?

5. I don’t understand what you mean?

6. What the hell did you do now?

8. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?

Brings a real tug at the ol’ heart, doesn’t it?!

The Late Shift

A police officer, though scheduled for all night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2:00 in the morning.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, “Sweetie, would you go down to the all night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I’ve got a splitting headache.”

“Certainly, honey,” he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, “Say,” said the druggist, “I know you — aren’t you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?”

“Yeah, so?” said the officer.

“Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?”

HOUSTON – The great toilet paper debate is finally wrapping up thanks to a newly discovered patent.

The original patent for toilet paper from 1891 resurfaced on the website Consumerist and solves the debate of whether the paper goes over the roll or under. Renderings show the paper in the “over” position, indicating the way the inventor intended for it to be used.

Beef and Cheddar Casserole

 

Total Time: 55 min
Prep:5 min
Inactive: 10 min
Cook: 40 min
Yield: 4 to 6 servings
Level: Easy

 

 

 

Ingredients

1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil, plus more for the baking dish
Kosher salt
3 cups wide egg noodles (about 5 ounces)
1 1/2 cups sour cream
1/2 cup freshly grated Parmesan
12 ounces ground beef
1 red bell pepper, seeded and chopped
1 bunch scallions (white and green parts), finely chopped
1 tablespoon tomato paste
1 teaspoon Italian seasoning
One 14 1/2-ounce can petite diced tomatoes
2 cups grated Cheddar

Directions

Preheat the oven to 425 degrees F. Oil a 2-quart baking dish.

Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Add the noodles and cook to al dente according to the package directions. Drain and put in the prepared baking dish. Toss with the sour cream, Parmesan and 1/4 teaspoon salt.

Meanwhile, heat the olive oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add the ground beef and cook, stirring, until no longer pink, about 4 minutes. Add the bell peppers and scallions and cook until crisp-tender, about 3 minutes. Make a space in the pan, add the tomato paste and toast for a minute. Sprinkle with the Italian seasoning and 1/4 teaspoon salt.

Add the diced tomatoes, stir and bring to a simmer. Cook until slightly thickened, about 2 minutes.

Pour the beef mixture over the noodles and sprinkle with the grated Cheddar. Bake on the middle rack until the cheese is melted and the edges are bubbling, 15 to 20 minutes. Let stand for 10 minutes before serving.

Cheesy Picante Mac & Beef

This one-pot supper sports big flavors. Sautéed ground beef is stirred into shell pasta with a cheesy picante sauce to make a robust family dinner.

 

 Prep 5 min.

 Total 30 min.

 Serves 4

 

What You’ll Need

1 pound ground beef
3 1/2 cups Beef Broth or Beef Stock (low sodium if possible)
3 cups uncooked shell shaped pasta or 2 cups uncooked twist macaroni
1 can (10 3/4 ounces) Campbell’s® Condensed Cheddar Cheese Soup
1/2 cup Salsa or Picante Sauce (heat level of your preference)

How to Make It

• 1 Cook the beef in a 10-inch skillet over medium-high heat until it’s well browned, stirring often to separate meat. Pour off any fat.
• 2 Stir the broth in the skillet and heat to a boil. Stir in the pasta. Reduce the heat to medium and cook for 10 minutes or until the pasta is tender, stirring often.
• 3 Stir the soup and picante sauce in the skillet and cook until the mixture is hot and bubbling, stirring often.

I find the unseasoned meat slightly bland for this dish so I season it with chili seasoning, taco seasoning or straight chili powder and a little cayenne. I also add green onions to the meat while its cooking and some fresh chopped cilantro at the end (leave on top as garnish or mix in for the color). If you need to stretch the dish so it serves 6 add a can of chili beans partially drained of sauce with the soup & picante.

Finally this is a good dish for sliding cheaper than ground beef ground turkey past your family. Use the 85% lean dark meat add about 2 Tbls water to the pan while it cooks to keep it from drying out. Between the chili/taco seasoning and the beef broth they’ll never know it was healthier or cheaper just that it tastes good.

Double Strawberry Muffins

10 min
15 min
12 muffins

 

INGREDIENTS:

• Cooking Spray
• 1 1/2 cups  All Purpose Flour
• 1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 1 large egg
• 1/2 cup buttermilk
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 teaspoon finely grated lemon peel (optional)
• 1/3 cup Canola Oil or Vegetable Oil
• 1/4 cup Seedless Strawberry Jam
• 3/4 cup fresh strawberries, diced

PREPARATION DIRECTIONS:

1. HEAT oven to 375°F. Coat 12 muffin cups lightly with no-stick cooking spray. Or use paper or foil cupcake liners.

2. COMBINE flour, baking powder, salt and sugar in medium bowl. Beat egg with buttermilk in small bowl. Stir in vanilla, lemon peel, oil and jam. Stir buttermilk mixture and diced strawberries into flour mixture just until blended. Divide mixture between prepared muffin cups.

3. BAKE 15 to 18 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool in pan 5 minutes. Serve warm.

4. TIP: These muffins are best if baked just before serving. If made in advance, wrap in foil; heat 10 minutes at 300°F.

 

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!”

She looked at the men in the room. “And gentlemen, remember. You’re in this together. It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with your partner.”

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

“Yes?” answered the teacher.

“I was just wondering,” the man said. “Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

 

Golf Confession

Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says, “Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me.”

His wife was hurt but said, “Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you.”

They embraced and kissed, and everything was fine until they got to the seventeenth tee.

As the husband was starting his back swing his wife blurted out, “I’m sorry darling, I’ve been so conscience-stricken since you told me your news. Since we’re being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also: 32 years ago I had a sex change operation. I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me.”

The husband froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.

He screamed and ranted, “You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul…and all these years you’ve been playing off the ladies tees!”

 

Not a lot new to report since Impish posted my last report on Saturday. Progress remains slower than Moly would have it, she continues to stubbornly push her boundaries and continues to pay for it in pain.

Saturday was pretty much unremarkable. Near constant sometime heavy rain and oppressively overcast condition leant the day to books and mindless television.

Sunday we both slept very late. Molly due to a 6 Am pain medication dose she usually tried avoiding but after a few hours in bed felt she needed badly and me because I’m still dealing with the aftermath of worrying over her and the toll its had on me.

She’s currently most noticeably suffering from cabin fever not having been appreciably out of the house in a week.  She wanted to get out and to get ice cream and after her mentioning it several times I know I had to take action or she’d get it in her head to try driving and going out on her own. So we carefully loaded her and a dose of pain meds into the car and made a very short trip. We got our mail from of P.O. Box here at the Property Office and drove about a mile to Burger King, the closet place to get Molly an Ice Cream.

She decided that BK smelled like a good lunch idea so I got us lunches and her ice cream. I noticed as soon as she got her drink she took her pain med. While she was insistent she wanted more fresh air and the pain wasn’t ‘so bad’ I could see different on her face and hear it in her breath. Until that ride neither of us had under stood how much of your core muscles were involved in driving or riding in a moving vehicle. Over her objections we came straight home, though in deference to her ‘fresh air needs’ I took the ‘long way home’ (which added maybe a 1/4 mile to the trip) and we ate the lunch in the unmoving vehicle parked in front of our apartment.

Molly decided in retrospect post trip that cabin fever isn’t so bad after all and that she probably does need more healing time before driving. Her official first medically cleared drive is supposed to be to her Doctor’s visit on Thursday when we’ll learn more about what restrictions come off when and how her healing is progressing. Hopefully the Doctor will proscribe another pain med that will help her because these are about gone and possibly a bit much now. She’s avoiding them because they make her fuzzy and cause her to drop off at the blink of an eye lid.

Since everything is going about as well as can be expected there probably will not be a Molly Report Saturday. Most likely anything new isn’t going to be earth shattering (thank the Almighty) and can therefore wait until next week.

Thanks for all the continued well wishes thoughts prayers and the few eCards I have gotten for her from both Molly and meself.

 

 

Blondes Ain’t Always Entirely Dumb

Amy, a blonde Texas city girl, marries a Texas rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, “The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow’s stall in the barn so you know which one it is. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?”

She says OK, and the rancher leaves for the fields.

A few hours later, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door, and Amy takes him down the barn. They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, “This is the one: right here.”

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think was just another ditzy blonde, the man asks, “Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?”

“That’s simple,” she says pointing. “By the nail over its stall”

Then the man asks, “What’s the nail for?”

“Well,” she says as she turns to walk away, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on.”

Originally I was set to run a joke in this spot that Impish beat me to on Saturday. you probably know the one, it started out:

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish
Cop.

Remember it? Yeah I thought so. Well when I first read his issue I was a little annoyed that I was losing two jokes as all I had left to do was find/figure out an Opening banner, then write a brief Molly Report and I was done with the issue. Fortunately I was able to locate two more jokes easily enough but when I came to this one I suddenly spotted the opportunity to hoist Impish on his own petard (btw if anyone really want to know what the phrase means and where it comes from you can found out here: http://www.thefreedictionary.com/hoisted+by+own+petard ).

Impish in your opening you basically admit that you haven’t stopped eating pie(s), just slowed way down. In essence you’re taking the part of the London Lawyer. Well I’m playing the Irish cop. Right now you’re only in the intake ward. You’ve yet to be integrated to the Bat Shit Crazy Barracks at Lethal’s Addiction Boot Camp. That Hokey Pokey Clinic sign? Window dressing pure and simple. putting up a Purgatory for Addicts Deprograming  Boot Camp Center sign would have attracted too much attention, especially at a ‘Black Detention Center’ (well ok it’s actually my personal detention center so lets call it a ‘Green Detention Center’ shall we?).

Ok I’m going to stop mid thought here. I just had a call from Impish at the facility. It’s the first call he’s made to me since arriving there (he’s allowed 1 call to me a day and only one). As per usual my comments appear like this and Impish’s comments appear like this.

Lethal: You DO realize I’m going to use that Irish cop joke against you?

You haven’t stopped doing pies- just slowed down. So consider rehab a no bruise because you’d get off on the whips & chain version of what the cop does to that Limey

Impish: Let’s see. Do I want you to slow down or stop?

(there is about a 5 second pause where Impish seems to be actually considering/weighing this)

Impish: STOP!!!!!!!!

Lethal: I’ll ask you that question in a weeks time after you’ve been in the care of both Col. Nathan Jessup & Gunny Hartman. Recognize them names? I want you cured and, since you’re resisting, I brought in only the best motivational heavy hitters to deal with your stubborn thick-headedness.

Impish: Oh shit!  No really!!!! I’m cured!!!! I’m cured!!!!!

Lethal: Scared straight huh? Might have been a whole lot more convincing if I hadn’t already read the issue before you called me. The Irish have a saying ‘Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me!’ Well, I’m not about to get shamed! We’ll talk about how cured you are again in a week. Mean time- Enjoy Boot Camp!

Impish: Aaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhh!!!!!!!

Lethal: You know that scream is the FIRST thing I’ve heard come out of you since you got back from Draconia I believe!

Impish I have one more ‘motivational‘ surprise for you. That nearly a ton of meat I promised you would be arriving today

Remember that little place on the mythic planes I took you a few times? The pocket dimension where the time differential is like 1:10? An hour here is like 10 hours there? We’ve gone for a literally quick day off a couple times or to get boat loads of work accomplished to catch up? Well I sent a few of your… shall we call them “fluffier’/more “Rubenesque” virgins with hearty appetites there for some time off.  I of course sent along everything they’d need with them including food abet all in the form of pies. I mean, hey if pies are good for the Gander, they should be good for the goose as well to turn the phrase right?

I sent them when you had your first intervention because I figured on something like this happening. I’ve have been checking on them regularly and replenishing their pie stocks. They’ve been gone only four weeks of our time but that’s roughly 9 month effective time for them living on nothing but pies. In fact not ALL your pies blew up I had already moved some in anticipation of moving the girls so they have in effect been dining on YOUR pies, the exact same ones YOU’D horde and eat.

OH! THAT REMINDS ME! That super secret pie manufacturing and storage facility you had hidden in that missile storage silo out in the Dakota Badlands?  You know, the one you had misleadingly named ‘Jersey Site 1’? Here’s a photo of it from yesterday:

Now where we’re we? AH! YES! As I write this your ton of your favorite meat, err..those fresh back from vacation virgins are on their way to you now. I believe they were some of your favorites. Here’s a picture so you’ll recognize your ton of your favorite meat, err.. them:

NOW IMPISH- Here is my version of a Col. Jessup “Code Red” so pay close attention!

I have TWELVE more of your virgins clamoring for a vacation as long as you are gone. Am I sending them to the same place along with as much pie as they can eat and repeating this process until ALL your virgins look like these four, UNLESS YOU KICK YOUR PIE HABIT ONCE AND FOR ALL!

I’ll leave you with a thought to ponder while you make your choice, I’ve got an issue to finish repairing and pies to order. Enjoy your reunion with your ton of your favorite meat, err… virgins!

The Talking Parrot

Impish went on down to Old Spring, Texas one Saturday night to see what was selling at Pot o’ Gold Auctions. Well, they had a parrot there that a rich lady was selling, and Impish kindly took a likin’ to the critter. When the auctioneer brought the bird around for bidding, Impish asked him, “Lethal, does that parrot really talk?”

Lethal Leprechaun, the head of the auction house, assured Impish it could talk and furthermore, it was real smart.

Impish made up his mind to buy it, pulling all $2,000 out of his savings account just in case. Well, the bidding commenced, and Impish jumped right in and stayed at it all the way.

Several folks were bidding, but when the bids hit about $800, it settled down to a real mean contest between Impish and someone at the front of the room. Impish finally won the bid at $1,900 even, though he looked a bit pained as he walked to the auction office to pay for the thing.

When he got ready to pay, Impish again asked the auctioneer, “Are you sure that parrot kin really talk, Lethal?”

Lethal said, “Impish, I know that parrot bloody well talks right well, seein’ how ‘twas the bleeding parrot his self bidding against you.”

 

Since Impish and I make reference to them often enough I thought I occasionally post a candid of one of our key staff members.

This is Wednesday the middle one of the infamous 5 sisters named for days of the week that work for us. You can generally find her At the reception desk in the main lobby. When not directing people to their destination and announcing them Wednesday is an apprentice Valkyrie.

Having one of _those_ days. First, stupid pointy face horse pooped rainbows all over front lawn. Then Caveowners Association came by and complained about rainbows. Ended up flaming lawn & ateding CA rep. Cat applauded both.

Fafnir, Fafnir, Bahamut, & Lung, dragons at law offered job again, also help with Enchanted Forest Board election. They “like” the idea of dragon lawyer in government. Who died & left me all this respectability? Seriously missing old lone wolf rampaging dragon image. Maybe need to burn down a couple of castles and carry off some maidens.

In effort to shed growing aura of respectability purchased world’s largest set of motorcycle leathers and painted Hell’s Dragon’s logo on back. Pretty spiffy actually.

Cat is sleeping on MY leather jacket. Would yank it loose if cat didn’t look sooo cute snuggled in D of Hell’s Dragons logo. Sigh.

Strange day. I seem to have acquired a valet. Werewolf named Weasley “volunteered.” I’ll probably ated him in the morning.

New valet, Crusher Weasley, laid out leathers ever so nicely this morning. Decided not to ated him. Most likely ated him _tomorrow_ morning. Or perhaps the morning after that.

New valet, Weasley, is really working out, though he has some very fixed ideas about wardrobe. Thinks I should ditch new boater. Maybe I should ated him in the morning.

Summer is passing so quickly. I feel like there are million and one people I wanted to ated but haven’t had the time. Sigh.

Saw my first knight in ages He: Foul wyrm, blah, blah, blah…smiting Me: SNACKIES! crunch, crunch, crunch…ateding. Win Dragon!

Cat got me a cake with a princess in it. Ated princess when she jumped out. Then ated cake. Also, cake stand.

This valet thing completely rules. Weasley has started bringing me a bucket of martinis on silver platter right after dinner,plus small jigger of gin and tuna oil for cat. Sooo not going to ated him in the morning.

How did it get to be fall? Stupid Enchanted Forest Board elections coming up fast and cat says I need to stop ateding constituents for the duration. Humph!

Tiamat’s witnesses came by again. Am starting to think there’s something to this dragon worship thing. Of course, they have wrong dragon, so I ated them. After, cat pointed out they might have been voters. So I pointed out they were door knockers and also delicious. Cat agreed that was probably more important.

Hmm…wonder if Queen Tiamat has seen Impish’s Diary? Bet fearing for his life would get Impish’s mind off pies!