Dragon Laffs #1455


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As you head towards your normal seating at the campground, you notice a large amount of Lethal Leprechaun’s mechanical minions milling around the crowd.  The line to enter the actual seating area is slowed by the presence of two of the security team stopping each person as they enter and holding up a round hoop on a handle and peering at them through it, then letting them pass.

As you get closer, you can hear them say, “Human.  You may pass.  Human.  You may pass.” as each individual is passed through.

You notice several other security members at anti-aircraft locations spread around the camp ground, their gazes locked on the sky.  There is also a large trailer, connected to a semi tractor with a large dish antenna looking thing on top going around and around, apparently searching the skies.

Most of the crowd is milling about, talking amongst themselves.  The conversation almost entirely concerning the absence of Impish and whether he could possibly even show up.  After about 45 minutes of waiting, people are beginning to pack up their things, finish their morning drinks and getting ready to set off for other things for their Saturday.  Even Ginny and Diaman moving through the crowds of people urging them to stay are starting to get a bit disbelieving themselves when suddenly, Lethal Leprechaun himself leaps from the trailer with the radar dish on top and says in a loud voice, “I’ve got a fast mover approaching from the east, ready your stations!”

A section of the top of the trailer slides to the side to reveal 16 surface to air missiles in a 4 x 4 launcher array.  As you watch, this missile launcher swivels toward the east. 

Just then, another voice yells from the trailer, “I’ve got another boggie approaching from the west! No make that two from the west!!”

As the missile battery swings toward the west one of the anti-aircraft gunners announces, “I’ve got several bandits inbound from the north.” While someone is yelling, “The south, the south, we’re being attacked from the south!”

Without any other warning, suddenly the skies over the campground are full of blue dragons.  Flying and swooping, some in formation, others dog fighting with still more blue dragons as you begin to wonder if they are going to be able to avoid hitting each other.

Lethal Leprechaun bellows, “Hold your bloody fire!  We can’t afford to piss off the draconian empire by firing at the wrong damn dragon.”  As his eyes looks to the skies, he continues, Anybody recognize our blue dragon up there?”

The aerial display goes on for more than an hour and the crowd has started to ooooh and aaahhhh over some of the great aerobatics being displayed by the blue dragons.

Suddenly, the dragons, simultaneously, all head towards the center of the campground at the same time, thinking that the entire group is going to crash in the middle you look on in horror as they all meet in the middle and then soar straight up in a large group only to all flower out in a bomb shell formation and as you watch, they all seem to head off toward the horizon in a different direction.

About the same time, a monitor screen rises smoothly up from the small hill where Impish usually stands, comes to life to reveal the image of your favorite blue dragon, Impish.

Good morning campers,

If you are viewing this recording then I’ve gotten to the point where it must be safe to do so.  If you aren’t viewing it then I want you to know that I love you all and …. wait …. if you aren’t viewing it, how will any of you know what it is I’m saying about not viewing it?

Anyway, I’m sorry for the late start this morning and for the misdirection with all my blue dragon friends flying around.  I hope they at least entertained you and that enough of you are still here to even view this recording.

Lethal, Impish faces the camera and seems to look at the exact opposite spot from where Lethal Leprechaun is standing.  I know you normally stand off to my right when I’m on stage and since this is recording and backwards I’m sure you’re off to my left right now, so that’s how I managed to look right at you.  I know it’s a freaky feeling, isn’t it?  You do it to me all the time. 

You hear Lethal mumbling, while standing exactly where Impish said he’d be but opposite of where he really is because it’s a video recording, not a bloody mirror, you daft dragon.

While continuing to look at the wrong spot, Impish continues, Anyway, Lethal, I wanted you to know that I have put out all the fires while this little distraction was going on.  All the dwarves that were missing have been returned to their families and have been duly compensated for their troubles with triple pay and a bonus.  All the equipment that was used was paid for by me out of my private funds and everything was put back exactly the way that it was.

If there are any other expenses that have been incurred, please let me know and I will gladly pay for them out of my own horde. 

As far as your Brown Gold, I maintain, that I personally had nothing to do with it.  I NEVER set up or serve the coffee that is left to the staff.

I will remain in hiding until such time as I …

As you watch the screen you can see the door behind Impish open up and standing there are several of Lethal’s minions.  Impish Dragon let’s out a blood curdling scream (not unlike the one made by a skittish 12 year old girl upon finding a spider in her sock drawer) he rapidly exits stage left to the sound of a horrendous crash and glass breaking.  The minions are seen moving off the same way.  There are sounds of more glass striking the ground and then one of the minions appears back in front of the camera.

“Boss, if you’re still watching this, it was just as you said.  He was at Mr. Gray’s old residence.  But he made it out through the back window and wall.  Cheap-ass ex-government housing.  Sorry, Mr. Leprechaun.”

Lethal Leprechaun turns to the lot of you, sitting there stunned.  “Well, as you can see “campers”, I have more work to do ahead of me…and you have an issue to get through.”

He exits back into the trailer amid shouting questions of whether this will allow Impish to return home or if he is still on the lam.  The radar dishes folds down, the triple A sites fold down and the whole group of them trundle off towards the mountain.  Diaman and Ginny are left stunned in the front with the other Patrons and the issue begins:  

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Okay, folks, this is it.  The last plea this year for donations.  We’ve had 19 donations (Thank you very much to each and every one of you!) We are six short of our goal of 25.  Be that as it may.  If you’d like to help us out with our bills this year, which are due in one week, your help would be deeply appreciated.  Just hit the donation button to the right and follow the instructions.

Now, I’ll let you get back to the fun.

 

‘Guess what I heard today?’ a man says to his wife. ‘What, hon?’ she asks. ‘The mailman has seduced every woman on our block but one.’
‘Huh,’ his wife says, ‘I bet it’s that stuck-up Phyllis next-door.’

 

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When I was at the veterinarian’s office, the other day, where I had taken my Siamese cat, I could not help over-hearing a man loudly sparring verbally with the receptionist. After a few moments a technician came to her co-worker’s defense. She successfully quieted the customer by jokingly threatening, ‘Sir…Do you know what happens to aggressive males in this office?’

 

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An elderly couple visits the doctor so the wife who is feeling poorly gets a checkup.

The old man waits in the waiting room while the old lady is in the examining room.

After a complete exam, the doctor brings the old woman into his office to ask her a few questions.

“How are you sleeping?” he asks.

“I get eight hours of sleep,” says the woman, “and sometimes I wake up to go the bathroom, but I have no problem falling back to sleep. Occasionally I take a 30 minutes nap in the afternoon, but all in all, I sleep just fine.”

“How is your diet?” asks the doctor.

“I have three well-balanced meals a day,” says the woman. “Sometimes I have a light snack between lunch and dinner, but I eat very well.”

“Do you still have intercourse?” asks the doctor.

“What?” replies the old lady.

“Intercourse,” says the doctor. “Do you still have intercourse?”

The old woman get up out of her chair and opens the door to the waiting room and asks her husband, “Honey, do we have intercourse?”

The old man looks at her and says, “I have told you a thousand times, it’s Blue Cross Blue Shield!”

 

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Too Soon?

 

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peck

You wonder what I look like at work?  Notice the burnt up computer in the background?  yeah, it wasn’t a good day.

 

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And then there’s this one…

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Okay, so it’s not my best work, but not bad for just five minutes.

 

 

A farmer in WV was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drove in and came up to the porch.
“Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milk weed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went
out and got some milk ?”
“You don’t get milk from milk weed !” the farmer replied.
“Oh yes,” said the young man. “I have a degree in Agriculture from Ohio State University, so I know all
about it.”
“Well, help yourself”, said the farmer.
He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk. The next day the farmer
was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up.
“Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle in the fence row. I wondered
if you would mind if I got some honey ?”
“You don’t get honey from honeysuckle !” said the farmer.
Again the young man explained about his degree so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey.
Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.
The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer’s house.
“Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussy willow down by the creek.”
The farmer said: “Let me get my shoes, and I’ll go with you.”

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Ain’t that the truth!  You know we just moved, and I’m sure, like us, most people have a drawer in their kitchen for lids.  Normally, one of the deeper drawers.  When we packed, we went through the lids and matched them all up with a container.  We had as many lids left over as we did lids that matched!  How the hell did they replicate themselves?

 

Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary.  However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia and learned if you drink too much of it, it’s likely Tequilya.

 

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THE STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

I would have given him 100%!
Each answer is absolutely grammatically correct, and funny too. The teacher had no sense of humor.

Q-1.. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q-2.. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q-3.. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q-4.. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q-5.. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q-6.. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q-7.. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q-8.. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea
what will it become?
* Wet

Q-9.. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
* No problem, he sleeps at night

Q-10.. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has one hand.

Q-11.. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand

and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
* Very large hands

Q-12.. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
*No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q-13.. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack

When I read this aloud to my two lady dragons, the littlest one, Izzy Dragon, got about half of them right.

 

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This is from one of our children in school.  She was asked to draw a picture of what she thought our Ginny and Diaman looked like in their real forms. 

 

Here is a great riddle from Papa Dragon Most Senior… I couldn’t get it.  Think about it before scrolling down for the answer.

Can you answer all seven of the following questions

With the same word?
1. The word has seven letters….
2. Preceded God…
3. Greater than God…
4. More Evil than the devil…
5. All poor people have it…
6. Wealthy people need it….
7. If you eat it, you will eventually die.
question Mark4
Did you figure it out?
Do you need more time?
Question Mark3
Okay, I’ll give you a cartoon first and then the answer.
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If you can’t figure it out, this is a display in a toy store!
Okay, and now….the answer is:
NOTHING!
NOTHING has 7 letters.
NOTHING preceded God.
NOTHING is greater than God.
NOTHING is more Evil than the devil.
All poor people have NOTHING.
Wealthy people need NOTHING.
If you eat NOTHING, you will die..

 

1578

 

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.
 
Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
 
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
 
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, ‘Why don’t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it’ll work.’
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I tried that once at the doctor’s office when my wife was being weighed.  I got hit by my wife, my daughter and the nurse.

 

A dentist was understandably nervous at his first extraction. His hand shook as he got the molar out. He lost grip on the instrument, and the tooth trickled down the patient’s throat. “Sorry….” said the doctor, “you’re outside my specialty now. See a laryngologist, [throat specialist].”
 
By the time the unfortunate victim got to the laryngologist, the tooth had worked its way much further down. The laryngologist examined the man. “Sorry….”said the doctor, “you’re outside my specialty now. You should see a gastroenterologist! [stomach specialist].”
 
The gastroenterologist X-rayed the patient. “Sorry….” said the doctor, ” the tooth has traveled into your lower intestines. You should see an entomologist! [intestinal specialist].”
 
The entomologist took some X rays. “Sorry, the tooth isn’t there. It must have gone down farther. You should see a proctologist! [a specialist in diseases of the rectum; anus].
 
Our patient is now on the proctologist’s examining table, in the proper elbow-knee position. The doctor has inserted a proctoscopies and is looking through it…..
 
“Good heavens, man! You’ve got a tooth up there! You should see a dentist!!!”

 

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I’m sure by now, everyone has heard about the hurricane that’s working its way up the eastern shoreline.  And I’m also sure that for every weatherman out there, there’s another prediction as to where it will hit.

So, here is the latest prediction from the National Weather Service
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One of the only professions there is where you can be wrong half of the time and still keep your job.

 

Kids, I have something important to tell you.
Don’t get annoyed with your parents asking “stupid” technology questions.  Especially when you think they should already know the answer.  Remember, these are the people who taught you how to use a toilet.  JUST HELP THEM!!!

 

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If a man says you’re ugly, he’s being mean.

If a woman says you’re ugly, she’s envious.

If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.

 

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A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. 

While waiting for the Private First Class to finish brewing the coffee,   the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was “work” and how much of it was “pleasure?” 

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, “Sir, it has to be 100%pleasure. 

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why? 

“Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”

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While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the
man’s balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace
the ball with on onion. Several weeks later the patient returned for
a checkup. “How’s your sex life?” the doctor asked.
“Pretty good,” the man said, to the doctor’s relief.
But then he added, “I’ve had some strange side effects though.”
“What’s that?” the doctor asks anxiously
“Well, every time I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job,
she gets heartburn, and every time I pass a hamburger stand I get a hard-on!”

 

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Yeah, there’s a bunch of other things we eat, too.

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No kidding!!!! 

Ginny is a great person to have on our team.  Her and Paul both try to remind us of special holidays that arise and whether popular, like Thanksgiving or little known, like this holiday coming up on Monday, she helps to keep us on track.  This week she tells us:

Next Monday Is National Breast Appreciation Day.

Spread the slogan “We stare because we care!”

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Beats The Shit Out Of Ground Hog Day, Doesn’t It ?

And to that we reply, “It sure DOES!!”

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My littlest dragon is rapidly approaching the age where she is going to want to start to date.  She asked me the other day when she could go out on a date and I told her when she was thirty-five.  She laughed, but then stopped when she realized that I wasn’t laughing.

So instead, I got this new “Application To Date My Daughter”

Application To Date My Daughter
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor, police record (must be clean) and references from three people who know you (must be judges, bankers and the like).
1. NAME _______________________________

DATE OF BIRTH ________________  PLACE OF BIRTH ____________  NAME OF DOCTOR WHO DELIVERED YOU __________________
2. HEIGHT ______________ WEIGHT __________    BLOOD TYPE ____________ ORGAN DONOR STATUS ___

I.Q _______ G.P.A.____________ SAT SCORES ____________
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________  BANK ACCOUNT # _____________

DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________   STATE (Better be this one and not out of state)_______
4. BOY SCOUT RANK____________________________________   PATCHES EARNED _____________
5. HOME ADDRESS _________________    CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP __________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?

___yes ___no
If No, EXPLAIN _______________________________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married _____________

8. Do you own a van? ______   A truck with oversized tires? ______ A waterbed? _________
Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? _____________________
(If “yes” to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises quickly with hands above your head)
9. In 50 words or less, what does “LATE” mean to you?_______________________________________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or less, what does  “DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER” mean to you? ________________________________________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does “ABSTINENCE” mean to you? _________________________________________________________________________________

12. Church you attend _____________   How often do you attend ______________________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister?

14. Answer by filling in the blank:

Please answer freely.

ALL answers are confidential
(That means I won’t tell anyone -ever- I promise.)
a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is_____________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my _____________
c) If I were bitten, the last place on my body I would want it to happen is ____________
d) A woman’s place is in the_____________
e) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is_____________
f) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is_____________
(NOTE: If your answer begins with “T” or “A”, discontinue.  Leave premises keeping your head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
g) I believe in dragons.   yes or no
h) How hot do  you believe a dragon’s breath to be when blown across your torso? ___________
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ____________________________________
Please Review the Following
Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them and eat them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car, mowing the lawn or painting the outside of the house?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
I SWEAR THAT I HAVE READ ALL THE RULES AND THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, DRAGON FIRE BREATH AND RED HOT POKERS.
Signature (That means sign your name)

____________________________________
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your application is approved, automatic disqualification will result. Annoy me enough and I will fly to your house in the dark of night and eat you in your sleep.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might want to watch your back).
This is your “last chance” to check your answers.
Perhaps you should check your response to question #10.
Do you still want to date my daughter?
_____ Yes, please accept my application
_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house (Recommended Answer).

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4 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1455

  1. paul says:

    You can add to the “dating my daughter” part – that when the person shows up to pick up the daughter – you can throw him a shotgun shell — then tell him they come faster after 10pm

  2. Leah says:

    Now I know where all my Tupperware lids went! I have too many bowls, not enough lids, so I suggest we arrange a meeting.

  3. Ginny says:

    Great issue….outstanding! You and Lethal are getting better and BETTER! If you would check your piggy banks and send more donations…lets show them how much we appreciate the joy of reading their issues.

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