It’s about time! Dang the service here is slow, my coffee cup has been empty for 30 seconds…..oh, its YOU guys! Sorry about that, don’t suppose any of you happened to snag the coffee pot on the way by? No? SIGH!

Ok, FINE! If I’m not getting anymore coffee then we might as well….

START LAUGHING!

If You Need Further Proof You’re Not Smarter Than A Fifth Grader…

TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find    North America  .
MARIA:         Here it  is.
TEACHER:    Correct.  Now class, who discovered    America ?
CLASS:          Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER:    John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:          You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER:  No, that’s wrong
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.  
(I  love this child) 
____________________________________________
TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:   What are you talking about?
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it’s H to O.  
__________________________________
TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE:     Me!
__________________________________________  
TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:          Well, I’m a  lot closer to the ground than you are.  
_______________________________________
TEACHER:     Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘  I.  ‘
MILLIE:         I is..
TEACHER:     No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I  am.’
MILLIE:         All right…  ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’ 
________________________________
TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS:           Because George still had  the axe in his hand…. 
______________________________________  
TEACHER:    Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:        No sir, I don’t have to, my Mum is a good cook.  
______________________________
TEACHER:        Clyde , your  composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your  brother’s.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE  :         No, sir. It’s the same dog.  
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER:    Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:     A teacher (When he gets older he’ll come to realize this question also can be answered with ‘politician’)

Okay………here it is. A test to see if your brain is still working.

Which one do you think is the blonde?

 

 

Scroll down….

Amazing I did not see it before..

 

 

 

 

The Blonde is the one with the wrong leg up.
That is OK I did not Pass the test EITHER!!!!
(actually, I got this one right… )

Now I don’t want to brag or embarrass Impish but I wear a size 13-5E to his paltry 10.5 D width…this should say something right there.

New Pistol

Ruger is coming out with a new pistol in honor of Obama.  It will be named the “Union Worker”

It doesn’t work and you can’t fire it.

---

The skunk has replaced the Eagle as the new symbol of the American Presidency.

It is half black, half white, and everything it does stinks!

 

 

The Vietnam Era (Tribute to Vets-60s 70s Music)

Y’all will live this one!!  Over 100 songs here.

(Only works with Internet Explorer. Sorry! Not our fault and nothing we can do about it)

The instructor in an Air Force basic training course asked an Airman,
“If you were on night sentry duty and saw a figure crawling toward camp, what procedure would you follow?”

“Well, sir,” the private answered, “I’d help the officer to his quarters.”
===========================================

An Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning. An
electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating
that the electric company would like to run a power line
through his pasture. The Amish man said, “No.”

“Legally, that paper says we can.” replied the worker.
Then he turned and left, returning to his co-workers.  After
they drove into the field, the Amish man went to his barn and
turned his bull into the pasture.

As the bull rumbled toward  the workers in the field, the
Amish man hollered, “Show HIM your paper!”
============================================

“Skipper,” the sailor said to his captain as he saluted, “a special
message just came in for you from the admiral.  I have it right here.”

“Read it to me,” the captain ordered.

The sailor read, “You are without a doubt the most idiotic, lame-
brained officer ever to command a ship in the United States Navy.”

The skipper responded, “Have that communication decoded at once!”
===========================================

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of
her mathematic classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his
wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to
charity. Now, what does each get?”

After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Morris raised his hand. The
teacher called on Little Morris for his answer.

With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Morris answered, “A lawyer!”

(that kid is going to go far in this life I can tell!)

 

 

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other in an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, ‘Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?’

The rabbi responded, ‘Yes, that is still one of our laws.’ The priest then asked, ‘Have you ever eaten pork?’

To which the rabbi replied, ‘Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.’

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, ‘Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?’

The priest replied, ‘Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.’

The rabbi then asked him, ‘Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?’

The priest replied, ‘Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.’

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, ‘Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?

---

I hadn’t recorded a greeting yet on my new answering machine, so when my mother came to visit, I asked her to tape one.

“This is Marcia’s mother,” my machine announced. “Marcia is an only child; she never writes, she never calls. So why not give me a buzz? I’d be happy to talk to you. My number is…”

Everyone called my mother. She loved the attention.

 

 

 

Ok I see your point! Now point that at the dragon please!

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting Sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, “If you were a gentleman you’d lift your hat.”

He raised an eyebrow and replied, “If you were better looking it would lift itself.”

 

Good Morning My Bright and Shiny Campers!  Don’t you all look absolutely luscious this morning…. such tasty looking morsels…
um…
sorry, wait.
Haven’t had my breakfast yet.
I’m really sorry.
Go ahead and start laffing and I’ll catch up with you in a couple of minutes.
<gawd, I’m so embarrassed!>

 

 

 

 

 

This is what my contrail looks like when the humidity and weather are just right.  Neat, huh?

 

 

 

 

Okay, so I have NO idea just what the hell this is, but, this is what Jeannie sent in:

Robot Endhiran (India) / Kollywood (Tamil – Russia)

KOLLYWOOD MATRIX – The most exciting action sequence produced in years.  Just when you think they’re going to pull back from the edge
of silliness, they crank it up another notch.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svOlz2ei4Yk&feature=player_embedded

So….any guesses?  Anybody?

Amazing GPS WILL find you!

It found me in 10 seconds.  It’s amazing.  Must have been devised by the guys out at Lockheed in California . Give this a try. It’s truly amazing. It will give your location immediately!

Check out the link below. I was shocked to find EXACTLY where I am right now on Google Earth… NOT a house or street but where I AM right now! It’s really unbelievable! I was surprised to know such a system exists. It is a GPS and will find the exact location of any Internet user in a second, using a sophisticated algorithm to do so.

http://www.darnay.com/iec/features/locator/index.html

I’ll bet it has something to do with IP addresses…

 

I really could’ve used this a few weeks ago…

Sent to me with the auspicious title of “A Satisfactory Ending!”

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque. They called the bomb squad for help on what to do with it.

The squad sent two detectives. After a couple minutes of investigation, they came back and reported to the Brits: “Tell the public not to panic. We’ve managed to push it inside.”

Now I’ll tell you a real story that happened in our Sunday school. The Kindergarten class was discussing “prayer”, and the children seemed aware that the way you end a prayer was with “amen.” Does anyone know what “amen” means, the teacher asked. There was a long silence. Then one little boy piped up, with appropriate, computer-age gestures, and said, “Well, I think it means, like, “send”

You Type…She speaks…Turn up the volume.
She will say anything you type. When you move the mouse around, her eyes follow the pointer. When you write something in the left space and then click on ‘Say it,’ she says it!
You can also change persons doing the talking and the language they speak.
Technology! Wow !!

Have fun!!

CLICK HERE

 

Good Morning Campers!
Sorry about that.  When I don’t eat a good breakfast, it tends to make me do some really silly things.  Yes LL, even more so than usual.  Anyway, I didn’t mean to scare anyone and I sure hope I didn’t get any spittle on anyone from my drooling mouth. 
We’ve got a great issue lined up for you today, as you can already tell since you are half way through it already. 
I won’t hold you up anymore except to say thanks…thanks very Much to all of you who have more than generously donated your time, jokes, riddles, comments, pictures and (I hate to say it, but it’s true) most of all, your money.
Now……

Let’s Laugh!
(some more!)

This is cool

This football field looks pretty small.
I’m sure we’ve all seen a military parachutist drop in to a stadium with the game ball.  We know what it looks like from the stadium looking up.  Here’s what it looks like for the parachutist coming down.
<http://www.wired.com/playbook/2010/10/michigan-parachute-game-ball/

The part that surprised me the most is how BUSY he was on the way down.  I always kind of thought it was just hang in there, steer a little bit and enjoy the ride down.

Diaman Puns

The medical student was shocked when he received a failing grade in radiology. Approaching the professor, he demanded to know the reasons for the grade.
“You know the self-X-ray you took?” asked the professor.
“I do.”
“A fine picture,” he said, “of your lungs, stomach, and liver.”
“If it’s a fine picture, then why did you give me an F?”
“I had no choice,” said the professor. “You didn’t put your heart into it.”

Hmm, I do believe we are beginning to stray into Zack’s area of speciality….and become groaners instead of puns.  Okay, but what is the difference?

Should title this one…”Just Think About It”

One rainy evening, my husband, John, and I emerged from a restaurant only to find that he had locked the keys in the car.  He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one. 
There were none to be found.
John then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned with a hanger.  After a few attempts, he got the door open and we climbed in.  As we sat there, soaked
and cold, John stuck the hanger under his seat.  With a smug grin, he said, “Now, if this ever happens again, I’ll have one.”

FANTASTIC!!!!

Harbin International Ice Festival 2011

http://totallycoolpix.com/2011/01/harbin-international-ice-festival-2011

 

 

Okay, so this one is a week or so out of date….

Bitter cold temperatures were the norm this week
throughout the middle of the U.S. as an arctic cold
front brought single-digit temperatures and heavy
snow from North Dakota all the way down to Texas.

Looking for a silver lining to all this winter?

The Top 10 *Good* Things About the Snowpocalypse

10. You had enough raw material to build a snowman, his snow
    wife, two snow kids, a three-bedroom snow house, and a snow-
    foreclosure agent to take it away from them.

9. Roadkill, my ass — if it’s frozen when you find it, it’s
    a Hungry Man meal.

8. A much-needed respite from dodging those pesky Girl Scouts
    and their diabolically addictive cookies.

7. Icicles are mighty hard to trace as murder weapons.

6. All these snow days have made it abundantly clear:
    Home schooling is clearly not for YOUR family.

5. Ginormous front-yard cooler for your Super Bowl kegs.

4. It may be July before your neighbors see the last of your
    “Washington MANument.”

3. Quicker to knit a pair of mittens now that you have fewer
    fingers to cover.

2. “Hey, it’s Bob. Guess what finally froze over? Time to
    booty-up, sweetheart. See ya tonight, and don’t forget
    the condoms.”

and Topfive.com’s Number 1
*Good* Thing About the Snowpocalypse…

1. Mmmmmm, Groundhogcicles.

 

I’m NOT one that believes that scaring someone is funny, ever.  Unless….you are set up by a buddy.  Then all bets are off.  But, you also have to remember, pay back is a BITCH!  Now, having said all that…this is one funny clip:

 

This guy is bloody brilliant!

I’ll bet I’ve seen this one a hundred times, but I LOVE it every time I see it!

TURN SOUND UP….. Click on Full Screen!!!

The first 30 seconds shows a clip from the Top Gun movie when Tom Cruise does a fly-by of the control tower. The rest shows actual LOW PASS FLY-BYS.
Total time:  3:29
Pay attention to the last one.  It is numbered (#1) and it happened during a
Blue Angels event over San Francisco. It was the pilots’ last show.
Many of the boats lost windows to the sonic blast.  Some of these planes
were probably no more than 10 feet off the ground.
http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=19448*

CHANGES ARE COMING —-

Whether these changes are good or bad depends in part on how we adapt to them.

But, ready or not, here they come

1. The Post Office. Get ready to imagine a world without the post office. They are so deeply in financial trouble that there is probably no way to sustain it long term. Email, Fed Ex, and UPS have just about wiped out the minimum revenue needed to keep the post office alive. Most of your mail every day is junk mail and bills.  I think all of us can agree with this one and see it in action.  I can see the next change coming about will be cutting down on delivery to 3 times a week.  That’s just my guess, though.  But, honestly, how many out there can honestly say that it would hurt them to go to 3 day a week delivery?  Hurt you enough that you wouldn’t be able to adapt?  I know!  Right?

2. The Check.  Britain is already laying the groundwork to do away with checks by 2018. It costs the financial system billions of dollars a year to process checks. Plastic cards and online transactions will lead to the eventual demise of the check. This plays right into the death of the post office. If you never paid your bills by mail and never received them by mail, the post office would absolutely go out of business.  I’m not sure that this one will ever truly come to pass.  We are slowly inching towards a paperless society, and I can’t say that this is a bad thing, but there will always be some form of check.  I think.

3. The Newspaper. The younger generation simply doesn’t read the newspaper. They certainly don’t subscribe to a daily delivered print edition. That may go the way of the milkman and the laundry man. As for reading the paper online, get ready to pay for it. The rise in mobile Internet devices and e-readers has caused all the newspaper and magazine publishers to form an alliance. They have met with Apple, Amazon, and the major cell phone companies to develop a model for paid subscription services.  I think I’m going to forgo my comments on this one to lump it in with number 4 below.

4. The Book. You say you will never give up the physical book that you hold in your hand and turn the literal pages. I said the same thing about downloading music from iTunes. I wanted my hard copy CD. But I quickly changed my mind when I discovered that I could get albums for half the price without ever leaving home to get the latest music. The same thing will happen with books. You can browse a bookstore online and even read a preview chapter before you buy. And the price is less than half that of a real book. And think of the convenience! Once you start flicking your fingers on the screen instead of the book, you find that you are lost in the story, can’t wait to see what happens next, and you forget that you’re holding a gadget instead of a book. I so agree with the author on this one…..almost.  As some of you know, there are times when I travel quite a bit.  Also, as some of you may or may not know, I’m an avid reader.  Depending on what I’m doing, there are times when I can go on a 10 day trip and read 10 books.  That is not an exaggeration.  Normally, when I go on a trip, I’m packing 3 or 4 books or more with me.  They take up a lot of room and now with most airlines charging by the bag, well …. you get the idea.  I was also one of those people who went, dragging my feet saying that I would NEVER give up holding a book in my hands, that an electronic device could never be the same.  Well, boy was I wrong.  I was given a Kindle as a gift and it is now my favorite possession….well, almost.  But, we’ll let that one go.  In less than the space of two books before, I can now easily carry 1500.  I currently (thanks to friends mostly) have 500 or so books on my Kindle.  I’m in pig heaven!  One the one thing that I do disagree with the author is that I don’t believe that the electronic books are always half price or even close. The other day, I was looking for a book as a gift for someone on amazon.com and noticed that the price was $5.99 for the paperback.  (It was an older book, but this price was for a new copy) and then on the side it said, “Save money by downloading to your Kindle!” and do you know what the price was?  $5.98.  You saved money, but is sure as heck wasn’t half.  Even using “new math” it wasn’t half.  But, I still love my Kindle.

5. The Land Line Telephone. Unless you have a large family and make a lot of local calls, you don’t need it anymore. Most people keep it simply because they’ve always had it. But you are paying double charges for that extra service. All the cell phone companies will let you call customers using the same cell provider for no charge against your minutes. This is one that we are struggling with at my house right now.  Since we both carry cell-phones, why should we have a land line?  But it’s just so hard to cut that last string….What if, what if, what if?  I suppose so long as there are kids in the house or so long as us older kids continue to suffer from medical dilemmas, there will always be a land line phone in our home….or until they do away with them completely.

6. Music. This is one of the saddest parts of the change story. The music industry is dying a slow death. Not just because of illegal downloading. It’s the lack of innovative new music being given a chance to get to the people who would like to hear it. Greed and corruption is the problem. The record labels and the radio conglomerates are simply self-destructing. Over 40% of the music purchased today is “catalog items,” meaning traditional music that the public is familiar with. Older established artists. This is also true on the live concert circuit. To explore this fascinating and disturbing topic further, check out the book, “Appetite for Self-Destruction” by Steve Knopper, and the video documentary, “Before the Music Dies.”

7. Television. Revenues to the networks are down dramatically. Not just because of the economy. People are watching TV and movies streamed from their computers. And they’re playing games and doing lots of other things that take up the time that used to be spent watching TV. Prime time shows have degenerated down to lower than the lowest common denominator. Cable rates are skyrocketing and commercials run about every 4 minutes and 30 seconds. I say good riddance to most of it. It’s time for the cable companies to be put out of our misery. Let the people choose what they want to watch online and through Netflix.   I say “amen” to that …. to a point.  I like Netflix, and watching the shows I want to watch on “On Demand” and what not.  I HATE commercials (which is why we’ve tried very hard over the years to keep Dragon Laffs as close to ad free as is humanly possible and financially feasible.) and being able to skip them or fast forward through them is the best way to watch TV.  Three minutes of commercials (or more) every four and a half minutes means that your one hours show is now only 40 minutes long.  It’s crazy!  It’s a wonder they (and by they, I mean the big broadcasting companies) show any TV at all anymore.  “We’ll be right back to our commercials after this short break for our show.”  I ALWAYS find other ways to watch my favorite shows, that don’t involve so many commercials.  It’s to the point now that if a show doesn’t come out on On Demand, then I don’t watch it.  I’ll just wait for it to come to Netflix in a year. [So, if you are interested in keeping Dragon Laffs ad free, hit that donate button.  It’s just a little bit north of where you are reading, right now!]

8. The “Things” That You Own. Many of the very possessions that we used to own are still in our lives, but we may not actually own them in the future. They may simply reside in “the cloud.” Today your computer has a hard drive and you store your pictures, music, movies, and documents. Your software is on a CD or DVD, and you can always re-install it if need be. But all of that is changing. Apple, Microsoft, and Google are all finishing up their latest “cloud services.” That means that when you turn on a computer, the Internet will be built into the operating system. So, Windows, Google, and the Mac OS will be tied straight into the Internet. If you click an icon, it will open something in the Internet cloud. If you save something, it will be saved to the cloud. And you may pay a monthly subscription fee to the cloud provider. (Of course, because we should be pay for EVERYTHING!  There will be a charge for the air we breath next! TANSTAAFL!)

In this virtual world, you can access your music or your books, or your whatever from any laptop or handheld device. That’s the good news. But, will you actually own any of this “stuff” or will it all be able to disappear at any moment in a big “Poof?” Will most of the things in our lives be disposable and whimsical? It makes you want to run to the closet and pull out that photo album, grab a book from the shelf, or open up a CD case and pull out the insert.

9. Privacy. If there ever was a concept that we can look back on nostalgically, it would be privacy. That’s gone. It’s been gone for a long time anyway. There are cameras on the street, in most of the buildings, and even built into your computer and cell phone. But you can be sure that 24/7, “They” know who you are and where you are, right down to the GPS coordinates, and the Google Street View. If you buy something, your habit is put into a zillion profiles, and your ads will change to reflect those habits. And “They” will try to get you to buy something else. Again and again.  Okay, so that last bit is leaning just a tiny bit toward big brother in a new, upscale Orwellian 1984.  Soon, we’ll be talking about those living “off the grid” and dodging the Federation, the Empire or the Brown Shirts.  Our world may be crumbling around us, but I refuse to believe that it can’t ALL be cured with a very simple project….
Laughter!
That’s all we need campers.
To Live, Love and Laugh and the world will continue to spin on its axis and God will live in our hearts forever.

Good evening campers!  I’m closing out our donations week tonight and thought I’d put out one more time that we are stumping for funds right now to help pay for our bandwidth, site name, expenses, etc., etc., etc.!  If you’d care to donate any loose change or pocket money, anything would be deeply appreciated.  Of COURSE there is no requirement, or even expectation of any donation.  It is absolutely at your discretion.  We are ALL going through tough financial times right now and we know that none of us are exempt from that.  Dragon Laffs, Leprechaun Laffs and all associated funnies and what not will continue to bless your mail boxes or blog site regardless of any donations received.  It just makes our tasks a little easier to do with the proper tools and equipment needed to do our job.  Anyway, you can donate at PayPal, whether you have an account or not.  They will use your credit card, bank account or check.  You do not need to open an account or anything like that.  If you prefer to stay away from PayPal, even though they are one of the most trusted sites on the web, then we perfectly understand and you can write to me at impishdragon@yahoo.com and I’ll email you a regular street address that you can mail your donation to.  Just click on this link: https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=P894L2VX896HN or copy and paste to your browser and they will take it from there.  Thank you again, upon bended knee and humble appreciation to all of you who have already contributed, both financially and with jokes and laughs.  Without your help, we would not be here at all.

Cheers our dear friends,

Blah ba blah blah blah. In a hurry this morning. A couple of my clients didn’t get the it’s Friday Memo apparently so I’m dashing out the door as soon as I post this. Hopefully I’ll wander back in the door later in as good a mood as I am now and with a little more gold in me pocket than I went out with. If not at least I’m getting a free lunch(hopefully) out of one guy

Mean while….

LET’S LAUGH LIKE NOBODY CAN SEE OR HEAR US!

One Hole Back

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

‘I’m on the 7th hole,’ she replied, ‘and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.’

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.

‘I’m on number 14, and you’re still a hole behind, so you must be on the
13th hole.’

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and  said, ‘Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you’re in the sales profession. I’m in sales also. What do you sell?’

‘I’ll tell you, but you’re going to laugh,’ she replied.

‘No, I won’t.’ ‘Well, if you must know,’ she answered, ‘I work for Tampax.’

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.

‘See,’ she said. ‘I knew you’d laugh!’

‘That’s not what I’m laughing at,’ he replied, ‘I’m a salesman for Preparation H, so I’m still a hole behind you.’

<Some days the view just never changes!>

A QUICK SELF TEST FOR ALZHEIMER’S!

How fast can you guess these words?

1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM

Answers:
1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM

You got all 6 wrong….didn’t you?

Well, you don’t have Alzheimer’s, but you may be a pervert!

Damn! Have a little self respect…at least hold out for a Klondike Bar!

Lethal Leprechaun was walking his Irish Setter in the country side. He picked up a stick and threw it, the dog went and retrieved it and brought it back. Lethal then threw it in a different direction and the dog once again went and retrieved it and brought it back. Lethal then threw it in another direction and it landed in a small lake. The dog went down to the water’s edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back.
Well, Lethal was astounded. He couldn’t believe what he had seen and threw stick in the lake again, and the dog once again walked across the water to bring the stick back. As he went into town, he promised that he would show his dog’s wonderful new trick to the first person he came across.
Once in town the first person the Leprechaun came across was his friend Impish Dragon. Lethal dragged Impish to the lake to show him what his dog could do. Once again, the Lethal threw the stick into the small lake and the dog went to the water’s edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back to it’s owner.
Once Impish saw that, he turned to Lethal and said; “Why that’s great, Lethal! But when are you going to teach your dog how to swim?”

Useful Words Not Found in the Dictionary

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn’t get it. (We here at DragonLaffs encounter and use this word regularly, particularly in relation to liberals)

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high.

Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s, like, a serious bummer.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Stop and think about this:

“Birthday cake is the only food you can blow on, spit on, tough with your fingers ( both when stealing a taste of icing as well as when serving) and everybody just rushes to get a piece.”

Speed Enforced By Aircraft –  BELIEVE IT!

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.

The second not finding anything either, thought “I’m not getting rid of my panties…” so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other:

“We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties…”

The other one responded: “You’re lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, “We will never forget you.”

Religious Wars: Fighting over who has the best imaginary friend.

A Lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court for arraignment. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) What he had to say for himself in defense of his behavior.

The man replied, ‘Well your Honor, it was like this:

When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming’ and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling,’ and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, ‘William’s Big Stick Did the Trick,’ and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time And sat under a sign that said, ‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!’ … I just lost it.’

‘CASE DISMISSED!!’

The Leprechaun’s Helpful Guide on Deciding If He or She is the One You Should Marry

Men who can answer “yes” to five or more of these questions should consider carefully before proposing marriage.

* In the kitchen, has she ever referred to an oven as “that square thing?”
* Does she use the phrase “you know” more than twice per sentence?
* Is she making monthly payments of more than $300 to a plastic surgeon.
* Have you noticed her name tattooed on three or more local bikers?
* Have you noticed three or more local bikers’ names tattooed on her?
* Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to an old boyfriend’s?
* Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to the Green Bay Packers?
* Does she have a wholesale source for Deodorant-in-a-Drum?
* Has she ever used the word poo-poo?
* If forced to use it at all, does she choose to spell the word sex?
* Does her resume include a six-year stint at Big Leg Emma’s House of Painful Delights?

When to Accept a Proposal… Or Not Women who can answer “yes” to five or more of these questions should consider carefully before accepting a proposal of marriage.

* On his first date with you, did he pick you up early so you could help with his laundry?
* To reach him in an emergency, would anyone think to call the local adult bookstore?
* Has he ever bragged about seeing every episode of “Gilligan’s Island” at least four times?
* Is it unclear to some people whether that’s a mustache or just a lot of unruly nose hair?
* Is his idea of a classy restaurant one where every table has its own stack of ketchup packets?
* Does his car get more than sixty miles per gallon?
* Does the label on his deodorant include the phrase “Industrial Strength?”
* Has he memorized the telephone number of at least one bail-bondsman?

For those who may not be familiar with the fellow who’s blog we quote below Bill Balsamico is a restaurateur, the owner of Casa d’ Ice  in North Versailles, PA. More notably he is known as “the man with the signs” as shown here:

You may have run across a few on the internet as they generally get passed around far and wide.You’ve never seen any of them you say? What Cyber rock have YOU been lurking under?

We (Impish and I) see Bill as a kindred spirit, one unafraid to risk his business by publically speaking his mind for any and all to see. A friend who does NOT read DragonLaffs (can you believe this guy!) recently forwarded me a copy Bill’s latest endeavor, a blog where he can amplify on some of his views. Below is one of his recent posts. While they are all good this one being the son of a UAW worker who worked for GM for 25 years stood out particularly to me.

ALL ELECTRIC CARS

Before I start, understand I was a union member for a little over the first 10 years Sitting here hoping the NFL will settle its contract so we can have a football season this year, I was planning my trip to Cleveland to watch the Steelers pound them into the turf. I also was considering buying an ALL ELECTRIC CAR with the price of gas climbing the way it is. So I looked at a Nissan Leaf at about $40,000 and where it can take me. The Nissan Leaf has been tested under the EPA Urban Dynamometer Driving Schedule, a laboratory test commonly called the LA4 test cycle, which represents city driving conditions. Top speed is 56.7mph. Since I will be on the turnpike these are the specs I can expect. On a “FULL CHARGE” at 55mph and the AC or heater on my range is “POSSIBLY” 70 miles before recharging (recharging takes 8 hours. Hoping I can find a charging station when I get that far). If it is raining my range will be less with the wipers running and if I’m driving into the wind the range goes down even more. The distance from Pittsburgh to Cleveland Stadium is about 145-150 miles. So hopefully I won’t need the AC or heater and its not raining or windy (unless its a tail wind) and this will be my day. Drive about 1 hour and 15 minutes–stop for an 8 hour charge, drive another 1 hour and 15 minutes and hope I make it to the stadium (or I’ll need another 8 hour charge). Assuming I make it to the stadium (on the first charge) I sure hope there is a charging station available. Now I plug my car in, go watch a 3 hour football game, come out and wait 5 more hours for the battery to fully charge. Drive 1 hour and 15 minutes stop for another 8 hour charge and drive another 1 hour and 15 minutes and I’m back home but can’t even go to the store until I charge the car again for 8 hours. In my Ford ranger (gas) the trip takes about 2 hours—with the new “TECHNOLOGICAL ELECTRIC CAR” it takes 10 1/2 hours minimum to Cleveland And 15 1/2 hours minimum back to Pittsburgh (providing ALL conditions are perfect), I could make better time than that on a bicycle and save $40,000 along with saving the tax payers for my “ENERGY CREDIT”. Here’s a better comparison yet: My great grandfather who lived in Shaker Heights, a suburb of Cleveland Ohio and had a 1910 Model T Ford could make that same trip in roughly 5 hours–100 years ago. We’ve come a long way baby (or have we).

My suggestion to President Obama is simple: Start drilling domestically (this creates many GOOD PAYING JOBS) as well as lowers gas prices and quit wasting money on tax credits that don’t make sense. Giving tax credits for electric cars would be the same as giving tax credits for using 2 cans and a string to put down our cell phones. I think the only reason you’re not pushing for 2 cans and a string in your ALTERNATIVE ENERGY PROGRAM is the fact that there is nowhere to “PUSH ONE FOR ENGLISH” SORRY but I don’t see myself as part of this “ELECTRIC CAR REVOLUTION”.

http://billbalsamico.com/blog/

Good Morning Campers…let’s just get right to it, shall we?

First there was this one

Which naturally enough let to this one

But, this one comes with a free bumper sticker

Okay, any of you who think that this wasn’t going to happen aren’t paying any attention at all!

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

• I picked the wrong weekend to visit Egypt, that’s for sure.
• The guy no one seems to like, Hosni Mubarak, he kind of looks like me. I drove by a rally in Westwood on Saturday and I got nervous. I thought I was in trouble.
• I don’t know much about politics over there, but I heard they broke into their national museum and destroyed some mummies. The one thing I do know is that disturbing 2,000-year-old mummies is a terrible idea. If there’s one thing Brendan Fraser has taught us, it’s that.
• We have a new Superman. Warner Brothers announced that British actor Henry Cavill has landed the role. Didn’t we fight the Revolutionary War to avoid things like this? We can’t have a British Superman. Superman doesn’t stop for tea on his way to save lives.

Old man Blumberg was getting on in years, and his son, Sol, who had done well financially in ladies’ underwear, asked his father if he’d like to go down to Miami Beach. He thought it would be good for the old man to have companionship and warm weather in his declining years.
The old man was pleased but consented to go only if he could be at a kosher hotel.
So Sol made reservations at the finest kosher Hotel and put his father on a plane to Miami Beach.
Once a week, Sol phoned him to see how things were going, and all seemed to be going quite well.
Then, a few weeks later, when Sol had to make a business trip, he decided to drop in on pop unannounced and surprise him.
When he got to the hotel, however there was no sign of his father.
He asked the desk clerk if he had any idea where his father might be and he was told he might try room 2201 at a nearby hotel.
Sol hopped into a cab and headed for the hotel.
There he learned at the desk that room 2201 was the room of one Ms. Karen McMerty!
Sol rushed up to the room and knocked on the door .
Imagine his surprise when it was opened by a tall, barely dressed, redhead!
And there, in the bed, was his father!
Sol was furious!
Unable to contain himself, he screamed, “Papa, I’m shocked! I don’t know what to say! A religious man like you! And at your age! Not to mention your insistence on staying at a Kosher hotel!”
The old man looked at him as if he were crazy and said, “Sol, what are you getting so excited for? It’s not like I eat here.”

by Bill Engvall
To tell you the truth, I really hate Barbie dolls. They’re just too fluffy and frilly for my taste. I think they ought to come out with a more realistic Barbie doll. Why isn’t there a “White Trash Barbie”?
This is Barbie in her later years. The modeling career is over, and Barbie and Ken live in a Barbie double-wide. They could call it the “Dream Trailer.” That Corvette would be on blocks in the front yard with the fenders mashed in and the back window shot out.
Of course, Ken would have a big old beer belly, wear dirty white T-shirts, and spend a lot of time scratching himself and belching.
“What’s for supper tonight, Barbie?”
Barbie’d stick her head out the screen door, hair in curlers, and say, “Fish sticks.”
Ken would probably grin and say, “Fish sticks? What? Is it our anniversary again?”
And imagine all the accessories you’d have to go along with White Trash Barbie. You could ha ve a little police car that would pull up in front of the mobile home from time to time because Ken go drunk and started yelling at Barbie.
Then, the cops could lead Ken off in some little Ken-cuffs. Meanwhile, Ken would still be yelling at Barbie, “I know you slept with G.I. Joe! I know you did!”
And Barbie would be crying, sitting on the wooden steps, “Oh, don’t take him away. I love him. He didn’t mean it, I know he didn’t.”

I was at a once in a lifetime corporate hospitality at a premier football game and I got an urgent call from the wife saying her mum’s been hit by a bus and has only hours to live.
Fifteen minutes later, I’m at the hospital and the wife’s hugging me. “Thank-you darling, I’m so sorry you’ll miss your football.”
“Don’t worry, love, I wouldn’t miss this – I’m taping it and I’ll watch it later.”
Dunno why she got so upset when I started setting up the camcorder.

This is a great little program put together by the USA Today website…

International Space Station

Look at what happened from 1998 until 2008. In just ten years it has really grown. Watch the pieces come together as they are sent up from Earth. This is the International Space Station (ISS) Assembly diagram, piece by piece.  I had no idea the Space Station had grown to this size.  Cool…..

http://i.usatoday.net/tech/graphics/iss_timeline/flash.htm

Roger, 85 married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenney decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms. She is concerned her new, but aged, husband may over-exert himself it they spend entire nights together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, it‟s Roger again, he is ready for more „action‟. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but aha, you guessed it! Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more „action‟. Once more they enjoy each other.
As Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, “I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.”
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: „YOU MEAN, I WAS HERE ALREADY?‟

A man parked his car at the supermarket and
was walking past an empty cart when he heard
a woman ask, “Excuse me, did you want that
cart?”
“No,” he answered. “I’m only after one thing.”
As he walked toward the store, he heard her
murmur, “Just like a man.”

His father agreed that he could go, but as the young man was leaving on his donkey he called after him, “Just remember, Pedro, that you must take the long way home if it is after midnight! Whatever you do, don’t try to take the shortcut through the Magic Forest!”
Pedro had a wonderful time at the fair. Unfortunately, it was very late when the dancing and singing ended and, despite his father’s warning, he did start back through the Magic Forest. Midway along the path, a gnome suddenly appeared and shook his fist at him. “How dare you trespass on our property after midnight!” the gnome cried. “Just for that, I am going to change your donkey into a dragon!” And with a snap of his little fingers, he did.
Pedro was startled to find himself riding a dragon. However, the beast behaved well and they finally made it home. The youth’s father was waiting up when the exhausted son crept into the house.
“Are you all right?” the woodcutter asked anxiously.
“Oh yes, Father,” Pedro replied. “I had a wonderful time! But I have to confess one thing…my ass is dragon!”

Sandra was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died.  It was a busy intersection, and the traffic behind her starting growing.
The guy in the car directly behind her started honking his horn continuously as Sandra continued to try getting the car to start up again.
Finally Sandra gets out of her car and approaches the guy in the car behind her.
“I can’t seem to get my car started,” Sandra said, smiling. “Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me.  I’ll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you.”

A newcomer to the Ashe County political scene was out canvassing votes. He
came to a farm and approached a young man milking a cow. Just as he was
starting to make his pitch for a vote, an old man came out on the back porch
and called to the young man, “Luke, come on in the house. Who’s that man
talking to you?”
“Says he’s a politician, Pop,” replied Luke.
“Well, in that case”, says the old man, “better bring the cow in with you.”

This one is WAY COOL.  Thanks to Mike for sending it in… (along with like a gazzillion other things that we use)

It is hard to imagine that Yosemite is only 60 miles from Fresno, CA  where it never ever snows and rarely gets below 32 F in the dead of winter.

This is an incredible video! It only happens in March and April. I have never seen a creek come to a complete stop like this before and start up again someplace else.

It’s like a lava flow.

Turn on your sound. Now just enjoy……………………

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=9V9p4mFEYXc&vq=medium#t=15

More Puns from Diaman

When the orthopedists replaced the patient’s hip, it was a joint effort.

It’s getting really rough in here…

Max looked up at the steep, icy mountainside.  “I can’t do it, ” he said.
His companions begged him to climb the mountain with them, but he refused to move.
“I’m against mountain climbing.” he said.
Now they call him “Anti-climb-Max.”