We were going to call Wednesday our “Take Out The Trash Day” or TOTD, but at the last second, I thought “Hump Day Humor” or HDH would be a more appealing title.  But, whichever you personally prefer, Wednesday has been reserved for a day, if neither of us can get a regular issue out, to just throw in anything, everything, including the kitchen sink, kind of all day long as we find it.  It might be a day for gratuitous sex and violence, of which there is NEVER enough around here, or for scathing rants.  Who knows. 

And we are open to suggestion…

Anyway, sit back and enjoy.  I’m not sure how successful this first day is going to be, especially with me away from the computer most of the day, but for a good deal of you, my work day is the middle of your night, so we are at least making some people happy, lol.

Grab a cup of your favorite beverage…and enjoy.

Things That Always Happen in Movies,  But Never Ever in Real Life

 

Horny Hot Tub Party

And you were

expecting

what, exactly…?

Sometimes I worry about you.

 

 

That’s it for me today….. I’m outta here.  Well….at least for a little while.

Cheers!

Impish

You’ll notice that the banner above says “with Introduction by Impish Dragon (most of the time)” today is apparently not one of those times. Seems he is suffering sleeplessness, hot flashes and other side effects from the latest round of treatments for his medical issue. It’s either that or he’s going through menopause at this point!

Ok, enough with the all too easy cheap laughs at poor Impish’s expense…..

 

Let the Laughter Commence!

Actually I think its closer eight or ten languages!

THE BUS AND THE ZIPPER

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt . As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus .

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg .

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn’t . So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more . For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg . With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step .

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus . She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”

The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends . ”

Biting the bullet – cutting expenses.

I HOPE YOU WILL PARTICIPATE AND DO YOUR PART!

The President ordered the cabinet to cut $100 million from the $3.5 trillion federal budget.

I’m so impressed by this sacrifice that I have decided to do the same thing with my personal budget.  I spend about $2000 a month on groceries, household expenses, medicine, utilities, etc, but it’s time to get out the budget cutting axe, go through my expenses, and cut back.

I’m going to cut my spending at exactly the same ratio, 1/35,000 of my total budget.  After doing the math, it looks like instead of spending $2000 a month; I’m going to have to cut that number by six cents.  Yes, I’m going to have to get by with $1999.94, but that’s what sacrifice is all about.  I’ll just have to do without some things, that are, frankly, luxuries.

(Did the president actually think no one would do the math?)

John Q. Taxpayer

Great laugh… Archery

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down?

Tough sumbich.

That got boring, so being the 10 yr. Old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in Chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place.

One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (Ether). The light bulb went off in my head.

I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Lets face it, to a 10 yr. old mouth-breather like myself, (Ether), really doesn’t “sound” flammable. So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles).

At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether) can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie, a 1 lb. Pyrodex and 16 oz (Ether) should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know?

You know what? Screw that I’m going back in the house for the other can.
Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we’re cookin’.

I stepped back about 15 ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck… OH SHIT! He just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh Shit.
When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don’t know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 fricking decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two.

The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this… THE FRICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE.

There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said “was”. That son-of-a-bitch got up and ran off.

So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my Thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback:

ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU’RE BRINGIN’ EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE. DAMN IT CEASE FIRE!!!!!

His hat has blown off and is 30 ft behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. Over our backyard. There is a Honda 185 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.

I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don’t know – I know I said something. I couldn’t hear. I couldn’t hear inside my own head. I don’t think he heard me either… Not that it would really matter. I don’t remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later….repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR. And Dad screaming “Bring him back to life so I can kill him again”. Thanks Mom.

One thing is for sure… I never had to mow around that stump again, Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.

Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, get your kids into archery. It’s good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.

This next one is sent to us by loyal reader/contributor/all around nice guy & faithful minion MRichard, who attributes it to something called “Training 2 Laugh”.  Owing to a close personal business  rivalry with Bacchus, to say nothing of having availed myself of this particular service a few times in my life I can attest to its accurate description and existence.

How many times have you woke up in the morning after a hard night out drinking and thought, “How on earth did I get home?”  As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.
The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.  The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine.
Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices.  The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:  The passenger reaches a certain level of innebriation and the “slurring gland” begins to give off a pheromone.  Bacchus (or one of his many sub-contractors) detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter.  The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal.  This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger’s in-pocket cash is taken as payment.
This answers the second question after a night out “How did I spend so much money?”
Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).  An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip.  The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for.  This answers a third question after a night out:  “What the hell happened?”
With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most.  Unfortunately one person’s REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.
Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter’s navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.  With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain specializing in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts.  Another question answered!!
For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people’s garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending).  These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half.  Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.
The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System).  This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro’s in a single night.
PS:  Don’t forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

 

AN ACTUAL CRAIG’S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown  Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn’t expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 ..45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head … isn’t it?!

I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, — on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink “pimp mobile” that was parked at the curb … after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what ‘s going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you … but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you’ve chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.  Have a good day!

Thoughtfully your friend…

How to write a love song

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/5f0cf25368/how-to-write-a-love-song

Good morning,
I’d like to start the day out with a couple of different things that should all converge at the end of this opening monologue as either complete and utter confusion or complete and utter hysteria…either way is okay, but trust me when I tell you that the utter hysteria is the better of the two results.
First of all, let me say that, especially lately, we’ve been getting quite a few remarks and gibes, innuendo and out-right, straight-forward questions on the identity the Impish Dragon and The Lethal Leprechaun (notice the capital “T” in “The” for Lethal Leprechaun!) Okay, how about we dish out some “little known facts” of Impish and Lethal…or perhaps it should be in the manner of a FAQ…let’s try it and see…

#1. Question: Are there really 2 of you?
#1 Answer: This has got to be the number one, most often asked question to our blog.  Some people ask slyly: “I’m sending this to the 2(?) of you…” and some ask it outright: “Is there REALLY an Impish and a Lethal or is this the same person using a second personality, sort of in a schizophrenic, multiple personality, twin-brothers of different mothers, Twilight Zone kind of…” Yeah! yeah! a verb!  Put a friggin’ VERB in your sentence… oh…. sorry.  You’d be amazed at the questions and writing we get that we have to answer.  Anyway, the simple answer to that question is yes.  There are two of us, and in the interest of “Little Known Facts” (LKF) and in the format of “Frequently Asked Questions” (FAQ) we’ll get to further details of that in upcoming questions.

#2. Question: Since there are two of you, you must be close by to be able to collaborate so well. Come on… Frequently Asked Questions…in the form of a question, PLEASE!  Oh, sorry..Ummm.. DO the two of you live close by each other since you seem to collaborate so well together?  I liked it better the other way.  Okay, knock it off. 
#2. Answer: Actually, the answer to this QUESTION is easy.  No, we don’t live close, not unless you think that 1075 miles (1990.9 km) driving or 902.433 miles (1671.306 km) as the dragon flies is close.  If you do, then yeah, we are close.

#3. Question: Since you live so far away, how’d that happen?  I mean, who moved away from who?
#3. Answer: Actually, it’s who moved away from whom
(I think…
having just spent 20 minutes on line trying to make sure I was correct, I’m now more confused than when I started…
so, let’s forget that whom, bit.)
Anyway, neither of us moved away from the other, we are both still living in the exact place we lived when we met, in other words, we’ve never met face to face. 

#4. Question: Aww, that’s so sweet.  Like an on-line love story or something.
#4. Answer: Knock it off, it’s bad enough both our wives (whom [?] to the best of our collective knowledge have never even spoken to each other before) are already calling this a “bromance”, don’t you dare think you can come in here and try and qualify or quantify the working relationship and comedy genius that is the Dragon Laffs editorial staff!  So just knock it off and …
…oh?…
…right, sorry, yeah, I’ll take my medicine…what was the question?

So, back to the monologue, the basic reason for writing this is to share a set of emails with you this morning, that had me rolling when I received Lethal’s reply.  Here’s my first email:

Subject: Good Morning

Okay, so it’s not such a good fucking morning.  We are snowed in … AGAIN … and I’m on my way to the doctor’s office! 
Why?  You may ask?   And I may answer…the back doctor, in his infinite wisdom, has decided that medieval torture devices and (oh, let’s not call it witch-doctor, voodoo, black magic arcane non-sense) alchemy are the way to go.
I am to be strapped down, with my lower back exposed, two minotaur horns, hollowed out and prepared for this job are rammed into my lower back, making two gaping holes that the doctor will then pour his “magic potion” down into and thus magically, my pain will go away.
Okay, a couple of problems with this scenario…first of all, I’m allergic to minotaurs, and their horns are likely to do much more damage than the doctor expects.  Okay, actually, I owe the minotaurs money, but it’s a lot LIKE an allergy.  I know if I touch one of their horns I am in some serious shit.  Okay, so the serious shit may be that by touching a minotaur horn, all the rest of the minotaurs will know where I am and can magically find me, so it’s like some serious shit.
And this voodoo concoction that he is going to push into my back?  What kind of acidic trip is he trying to send me on?  And I always get sick over raven’s feathers….I don’t know why.  I just do.
Okay, they are now dragging me out by my wings.  I have to go, but if I’m not back in a couple of hours….find the minotaurs!!!!!!

And his response, that I received when I got home…

1.> If you had allowed me to spend the extra coin on our insurance plan the HMO would have approved the usage of Unicorn horns or Narwhal horns instead of Minotaur horns. You’re simply reaping the rewards of your miserly ways. Apparently it never occurred to your when you instructed me to “cheap out” on the employee medical plan that YOU TOO would be a member of the plan huh?

2.> The Holistic & Arcane Curatives Council – HACC (pronounced ‘HACK’) have filed a grievance and complaint with the Mythical & Magical Creatures Governing council over the exclusion of the mention Shaman in your comments but the inclusion of your comments regarding Raven’s Feathers which are apparently a trademarked symbol of the Native American Shaman and his millennia old  craft. They are requesting mediation, arbitration and compensation for the slight.  When asked for a dollar amount their reply was twofold, “what’s the current gold to wampum conversion rate” followed by “what’s the forked tongued flying serpent’s total net worth? We’ll accept half of that, an apology, and 6 dragon horns.”

Based on their asking for half your total net worth rather than personal net worth, Dewy, Cheatum & Howe, as our corporate legal advisors have advised me to pay off the back doctor to have a ‘regrettable and unforeseeable accident’ with you to reduce our exposure both now and in the future. On the upside you have caused them to open an entirely new level of Cmas thank you gifts as you now top their billable hours client list by near to triple your closest competition so you can look forward to a potentially really cool Cmas gift…if I don’t take their advice that is.

3.> I was aware of your Minotaur debt and monitoring the situation unbeknownst to you. Actually they came to me regarding it as they were a little nervous and concerned about having you as a debtor in regards to annoying me or outright pissing me off. They wanted to assure me they were NOT “poaching your pigeons” (their words) and correctly figured that your debt to them paled in comparison to your financial involvement with me. They offered to sell me your debt which I declined at the time figuring you got yourself in with them you could damned well deal with your own mess since you have chosen not to come to me in the first place. When I learned of your allergy and the fact that the HMO was refusing to pay for any other horn other than Minotaur I feared that something unduly serious in scale to your debt with them might accidentally happen so I bought your debt from them, at cost plus 15% I might add. Rest assured that this has already been added to your tally with me AND that I now in light of the newest pending dragon caused litigation regret buying the debit. Allowing the doctor, minotaurs & your relatively unknown allergy to take its inevitable course now in light of you pissing off Shaman everywhere seems like the much preferred solution.

4.> Finally,

4A.) You simple saurian if you had even bothered to keep an eye open during any of your post medical treatment discussion with the Vet, you would have known it’s NOT the Raven’s feathers you are allergic too but rather the dust and other mites ON the feathers.

4B.) That extra burning pain you are feeling from the treatment is apparently from a combination of Tabasco, hydrogen peroxide, sea salt and undiluted apple cider vinegar which the back doctor mixed in with your magical curative potion. These were not part of the formula and added out of sheer spite apparently for two reasons;

4b. 1) Your disrespectful tone and comments regarding the magical curative and his skills in crafting it as evidenced below by your remarks.

4b. 2.) The cute physician’s assistant your were ogling and who’s inner thigh you were blowing your hot breath on was his fiancé. Hope it was worth his revenge.

Lastly you REALLY need to start using the encryption program I installed on your communications systems when making comments like those below to me given your penchant for stick both your rear feet in your mouth, coupled with your ability to keep talking and digging us a bigger hole once you have!

So, you see…there is no way that we could be one and the same person, and even our on line humor, is not the same humor that is shared in Dragon Laffs.  I hope this little glimpse into our personas has helped.  If it hasn’t and you are more confused than ever, gee…. I’m sorry.

Finally if this does NOT lay the issue to bed once and for all we are currently offering real autographed separate pictures of both Impish and I for the reasonable price of $15.00 per pair. These full color autographed photos are suitable for framing and will be personally signed by us and mailed individually each from our separate home cities. Payments can be made via Paypal and all proceeds go towards the worthy cause of helping to differ our operating costs.

Yeah, what he said… <<<<inside joke<<<<

(Actually, we haven’t completely worked out the logistics of the whole picture thing, but if there is an interest, we could come up with something.) 

Now, my friends and fellow campers, it’s time to laugh.

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became more impatient: “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”

Once again, the cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy what’s your name?”

“Sam,” the cowboy moaned.

“Where y’all from, Sam?” asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Sam replied,” The balcony.”

 

After all the “to-do” over “what’s-her-name” screwing up the National Anthem at the Super Bowl this year, it is wonderful to see this bright shinning little girl put so much heart and soul into OUR song.  This is wonderful and I would be amazed if it doesn’t bring a tear to all us true patriots eyes.  Enjoy, my friends:

Okay, before you get to thinking that I wrote this myself, I’m gong to tell you that it was sent to me…and I’m not going to tell you if it was sent by someone who would know the truth or not…

Impish and I were talking one day when Impish says, “I went to see the doctor the other day for that pain in my back.”
“So what happened?” I asked.
“Well, he ran a bunch of tests, gave me some pills and sent me home.  Told me to stay in bed for a week. He also told me to sit down whenever I had to pee. Can you imagine that? A grown man having to sit to pee?”
“Why would he want you to sit to pee?” I asked.
“Well”, said Impish, “With my bad back, he doesn’t want me picking up anything too big.”

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he
advised new recruits about their government benefits,
especially their GI insurance.
It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones
was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance
to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the
back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits,
and then said,
“If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the
government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.
But, if you don’t have a GI insurance and get killed in battle,
the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.”
“Now,” he concluded, “which group do YOU think
they are going to send into battle first?”

I do so apologize for this one…
Two of New England’s finest undertakers, Old Mort Rogers and his brother Dick, are also experts at rigging sailing ships.  Most agree that Dick is a fine ship builder, but he’s not the rigger Mort is.

Puns from Diaman…

I could not pull out of my parking space, so I used my back up plan.

It became clear that some of the librarian’s best abilities were put on the shelf.

On TV it’s a maze of channels, luckily he had a guide.

Latest surveys reveal that 1 out of 5 people make up 20% of the world’s population at the present time, and that there has been no significant change in this finding since the annual surveys were started.

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it almost all the way in, and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

My wife has worked as a magician’s assistant for years now. I think she has picked up a few tricks.
I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom. She said, “Abracadabra!” and my friend, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.
Poor bastard must have wondered what the heck was going on.

I spotted an attractive woman strolling down the road talking to herself and thought, “She’s a nutter, nobody would believe any rape claims.”
So I ducked into an alleyway and stripped completely naked. Then sprinted at her and dived, intending to quickly rugby-tackle her to the ground.
In the last moments, as I sailed through the air horizontally with my cock swinging in the wind, and with no chance of halting my attack, I heard her say,
“…reporting live, for BBC News…”

My posh neighbour looked over the fence today with a smug grin on his face. He said, ” I did an eagle today on the golf course and got a 2 minute round of applause.”
I soon knocked the smile off his face when I replied, ” Well I once did a flamingo at Chester Zoo and got 2 years in a mental institute, but you don’t get me bragging over the fence.”

Sat in traffic this morning I saw something very amusing
In my wing mirror I could see a chap in a suit,clearly running for the bus.First of all he went flying after slipping on the path,getting his suit all dirty.
Next,his suit case opened sending paperwork everywere,but he didnt stop,he was determined to make that bus.
After leaping between cars and dodging many more pedestrians,it seemed he was going too make it.This was a herculean effort and every credit,but alas,it wasnt to be as the driver just smiled and pulled away,leaving the man swearing and shouting and throwing at least one shoe at the bus.
Its at this point I thought too myself,
I love being a bus driver.

Not sure how much any of you are interested in this sort of thing, but I believe if I was younger and had the wherewithal to do something like this, I’d be VERY interested.  But it is interesting, in and of itself to watch and investigate.

Welcome to Nextworld TV
Check out this bizarre housing- made from recycled
tires, cans and bottles.  All aboard the Earthships!
http://www.nextworldtv.com/page/793.html

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

• The bookies have put the odds out for this weekend. The Packers are slightly favored over the Steelers and the rioters are slightly favored over President Mubarak.
• Huge riots continue in Egypt. Experts say one of the problems over there is there is a huge difference in wealth between the extremely rich and the vast majority of the people who have nothing. Thank God that could never happen in this country.
• I haven’t seen this many protesters in Cairo since the last time they announced Brendan Fraser was doing another one of those “Mummy” movies.
• Vice President Joe Biden has suggested to people out of work to just “hang in there.” What a difference two years makes: Remember “hope and change”? Now it’s “hang in there.”

 

It is? You wouldn’t toy with a Leprechaun now would you? I’m a Leprechaun on the edge, I’ve your charge cards and know how to use them…and more importantly what your spending limits are! ‘Tis been a long week for both me self and that bloody dragon who’s round ‘bout here someplace whining about The Almighty only knows what next and we’re both looking forward to the weekend and some sanity restoring down time (as if one weekend could restore either of our sanities)!

Impish is getting his first treatment to hopefully reduce the condition causing him so much pain this morning. As usual he expressed to me (what I see as overly optimistic) plans for having an actual DragonLaffs issue out today or tomorrow however I would expect that given what torture is being done to him in the name of medicine he MIGHT have one done for Monday. Mean while let’s…

Engage the Laughter Drive!

 

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.   Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?’ ‘It depends,’ I replied.  ‘What does it say on your shirt?’ He yelled back, ‘OHIO STATE!’ And they say blondes are dumb….
————

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,  ‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world…’ The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you…… ‘.
————

‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,’ Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.. ‘Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?’ ‘Probably that I married you for your money,’ she replied.
————-
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor  <or bloody GAY!>
———

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,  I’ll beat him to death. AMEN
———— ——— ——— ———
Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— —
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy. .
———— ——
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
————  —
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..
————  —-
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the email folder ‘Instruction Manuals’
————

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world………

………….Then He made the earth round.

<just goes to show God IS male & DOES have a sense of humor>

Newest Male Enhancement Drug–You Can Hear When It’s Working

Well THAT certainly goes a LONG way to explaining those weird noises reported by Security coming from Impish’s private quarters at night now doesn’t it!

 

 

8 Stupid Amazon Products With Impressively Sarcastic Reviews

 

Everybody is a comedian these days, and the Internet has given us all an enormous stage. Maybe the best example is a supposedly comedy-free site like Amazon.com.

The deal is, anybody can write a review, on any product, whether they have bought it or not. So it’s just a matter of finding a baffling/ridiculous/useless product and watching the Internet’s sarcasm run wild. For instance, just check out the reviews for …

 

 

The teacher was trying to get the class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.

“How would you feel,” she asked, “If someone showed up on your doorstep looking very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? wouldn’t you be a bit scared?”

“Nah” one boy answered, “I’d just figure it was my sister’s date.”
_______________

As I serviced an alarm system at a jewelry store recently, the saleswoman let me know that the store was having a 20% off sale.

“I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought her something.” she suggested.

“I don’t have a girlfriend,” I answered.

“No girlfriend?”

“No, my wife won’t let me.”

 

 

      

 

Re-calibrating your mouse.

You should actually do this every year..  Even more often if you spend a lot of time on the computer.  This is recommended by Kim Komando (the computer guru) in one of her recent emails.  I was shocked to see how well this works, and how far off mine was!  To re-calibrate your mouse, click and hold on the capital G below, then drag it toward the small g.  If it doesn’t work immediately, you might want to clean your mouse, as the calibration is off.

Goodlord!! You’ll believe anything

I’M SURE YOU WILL ALSO RECOMMEND THIS TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS ONCE YOU SEE HOW MUCH SMOOTHER AND BETTER THE MOUSE WORKS AFTER BEING CALIBRATED!  AMAZING!

 

The sad thing about that is not only am I my own boss and work largely from home, tonight is laundry night besides!

 

Sigh! You guys got to start bringing the donuts, hot scones or some breakfast sandwiches if you’re going to keep showing up early in the morning! Hash with 2 Easy Over Eggs and an order of lightly toasted & buttered English Toasting Bread would be even better! Yes I KNOW this is posting just after noon but I had an appointment this morning and since oyu guys don’t even bring coffee and donuts I stopped for breakfast out. So now with a full and contented stomach I say…

            Let’s Laugh!

God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.  For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.” The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?” So God agreed……

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.” the monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?” And God agreed……

On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.” The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?” And God agreed again……

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.” But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?” “Okay,” said God. “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

LIFE has now been explained to you.

Been a while since we had any Ask The Dragon or Ask the Leprechaun E-mails but here’s one that arrived just the other day. The poor woman seemed desperate for advice.

Dear Lethal Leprechaun ,

My husband has a long record of money problems.
He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.
Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. 
The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.
Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he’s with Muslims.
Finally, the last straw. He’s demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath.
It’s just so horribly creepy! 
Can you help?
Signed, Lost in DC

——————————————————
Dear Lost:
Stop whining, Michelle. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. You’re getting to live
in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you.
The rest of us are stuck with the bastard for two more years!

Lethal Leprechaun

Been emasculated & abused by your female counterpart?

Now there’s medical relief!

The sign reads:

WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS

WITH 1000 ARAB TERRORISTS THAN

WITH A SINGLE JEW.

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia. Most would be outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement…
One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business and that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back…
But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement. We are a society who hold Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty and after all it is just a sign…
You may be asking what business would dare post such a sign? ………
Goldberg’s Funeral Home!

    

 

True Tales of the Impish Dragon Chapter 8

Impish recently confided in me, “My life doesn’t revolve around sex anymore. Sex’s immense gravitational field long ago sucked my life into its event horizon and shredded it into elementary particles.

========

Impish returned fro his latest trip to the Doctor sporting the long face of bad news received.
“According to the Doctor now on top of everything else, I’m suffering from Mallzheimer’s disease.” He told me solemnly.
Being his good friend (and ever concerned about the bottom line at Dragon Laffs Enterprises) I inquired as to the nature of this unfamiliar to me disease now afflicting my good friend.
“It’s not too serious” he says, She told me that’s what it’s called when I go to the mall and forget where I parked my car. “

==========

Impish leans over and asks his wife, ‘Do you remember the first time we had sex together 10 years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.’

Yes, she says, ‘I remember it well.’

OK,’ he says, ‘How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?’

Oh Impish, you lascivious old dragon, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!’

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.

Impish & Mrs Dragon walk along, strolling hand in hand down memory lane (More Likely it was CRS Court they was strolling down!). Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.  Mrs. Dragon lifts her skirt and the Impish drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the Impish moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know..

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, Impish & Mrs Dragon struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,’ Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?’

Shaking, Impish is barely able to reply,

‘Ten years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.’

=========
The waitress was waiting about as patiently as could be expected while Impish was slowly going over the breakfast menu. (no doubt his lips were moving while he sounded out the big words)

Being a smart ass, he said to Lethal the other guy in the booth, and loud enough for her to overhear, “I usually never return to a restaurant unless one of the sausages I’m served with my eggs is a match in size for my own.”

The waitress gave him a disgusted look and commented, “In that case, maybe you should be looking at the children’s menu.”

I didn’t know you could get those Vienna Finger Sausages from those little cans in a Restaurant and for breakfast besides!

Paul was not the brightest lamp in the chandelier.

Every day, when he walked home from work, he would get stopped
by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money.

Finally, Paul decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route, but also take some self-defense classes so this wouldn’t happen again.

He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well with it. So one day, on the way home from work, Paul confidently decided to take his old route home and, sure enough,  there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued.

The next afternoon, Paul went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip.

His instructor was shocked and asked for an explanation. “Well,” explained Paul, “I took my old way home last night so I could beat up those guys who used to steal my money.”

His instructor said, “What happened?”

Paul replied, “They jumped me before I could get my  shoes and socks off!”

 

 

 

Arizona Preps New Immigration Laws

The Arizona legislature is preparing harsh new immigration laws that would outlaw illegal immigrants from driving, attending school, and receiving public benefits. Many of these laws openly flout federal laws; their backers hope that they can draw the Supreme Court into ruling in their favor on these issues. Under the law, schools and hospitals would require IDs; illegal immigrants would be barred from all state licenses, including marriage; and landlords would be required to evict entire families if just one illegal immigrant is found to be living with them.

Hallelujah! Praise the Lord (NOT Mohammed, the father of all towel headed terrorists) and show me your green card or valid student visa! The only way to stem this smothering tide is to cut them off from what they want a free ride at our expense as reward for flouting our laws!

» Read it at The New York Times                                                                                              (the following in black are excerpts from that article,  my observations on it are in green)

Illegal immigrants would be barred from driving in the state, enrolling in school or receiving most public benefits. Their children would receive special birth certificates that would make clear that the state does not consider them Arizona citizens.

Most of the time they are driving unregister, uninsured derelicts in a poor state of repair which contributes not only to increased accidents but higher insurance rates for the rest of us. Driving is a PRIVILEGE not a right! No reason it should be automatically handed to them! they should also me made to take a test or driving course to insure they understand out driving laws and rules of the road. Pass the test you don’t have to take the course and you get your license. I was recently informed that if you want a drivers license in Israel it cost you the equivalent of $1000 US to obtain and includes a 40 lesson drivers class need it or not!

Some of the bills, like those restricting immigrants’ access to schooling and right to state citizenship, flout current federal law and are being put forward to draw legal challenges in hopes that the Supreme Court might rule in the state’s favor.

Again this isn’t about discriminating its about taking the load off our overburdened systems and giving OUR children our NATURALIZED US BORN OR BORN TO LEGITMATE US CITIZEN PARENTS CHILDREN their right to an education.

As things currently sit if you waddle 8 months 4 weeks and 5 days pregnant across the border and drop your seven pound eighteen year welfare and free ride assured meal ticket on US soil and not ONLY does that brat automatically become a citizen but you get to stay here for 18 years to raise his ass and we foot the bill for his education!

You make it clear to him his allegiance is NOT to the nation of his birth and which has educated him but to YOUR nation of birth you do your best to see that he does NOT assimilate but retains a foreign identity and allegiances and then takes it back to your country when he graduated all on our dime! 

In the mean time they flaunt their heritage and foreign allegiance  in our students faces. They refuse to participate in the saying of the Pledge of Allegiance the signing of the National Anthem & they take every opportunity possible to disrespect the very country that freely gives them an equal opportunity they would never have in their “native land”.

Our students have to accept this daily  in the name of that politically correct liberal turd “racial diversity” yet should they attempt to assert “American Pride” or despond when one of these non legal “citizens” does something such as slap a US flag out of their hand stomp on it and spit on it OUR CHILDREN are the ones sent home and punished by their Schools!  

I SAY BULL SHIT ON THAT!

The article goes on to touch on other points and I could go on making comments on this as well but I think in addition to annoying the hell out of myself on this subject I’m probably preaching to the choir on the issue. See I noticed in fact checking that everyone speaking out against this has an immigrant back round or benefits in some way by their being here!

Also I think I have proven my basic points which were:

a.) these people do not appreciate our lax laws giving them the opportunity of a life time and have NO intention of assimilating and becoming productive loyal US citizens in 99 out of 100 cases.

b.) nothing about the situation is going to change, until WE force the government to change our laws, RADICALLY there by making illegal immigration unprofitable, unpleasant and ill advised, not ONLY to those seeking to come here but to those here who would aid them or profit from them.

In short , we need to put the true meaning of illegal back in illegal immigration

NOW!