Good Morning Campers…let’s just get right to it, shall we?
Okay, any of you who think that this wasn’t going to happen aren’t paying any attention at all!
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
- I picked the wrong weekend to visit Egypt, that’s for sure.
- The guy no one seems to like, Hosni Mubarak, he kind of looks like me. I drove by a rally in Westwood on Saturday and I got nervous. I thought I was in trouble.
- I don’t know much about politics over there, but I heard they broke into their national museum and destroyed some mummies. The one thing I do know is that disturbing 2,000-year-old mummies is a terrible idea. If there’s one thing Brendan Fraser has taught us, it’s that.
- We have a new Superman. Warner Brothers announced that British actor Henry Cavill has landed the role. Didn’t we fight the Revolutionary War to avoid things like this? We can’t have a British Superman. Superman doesn’t stop for tea on his way to save lives.
Old man Blumberg was getting on in years, and his son, Sol, who had done well financially in ladies’ underwear, asked his father if he’d like to go down to Miami Beach. He thought it would be good for the old man to have companionship and warm weather in his declining years.
The old man was pleased but consented to go only if he could be at a kosher hotel.
So Sol made reservations at the finest kosher Hotel and put his father on a plane to Miami Beach.
Once a week, Sol phoned him to see how things were going, and all seemed to be going quite well.
Then, a few weeks later, when Sol had to make a business trip, he decided to drop in on pop unannounced and surprise him.
When he got to the hotel, however there was no sign of his father.
He asked the desk clerk if he had any idea where his father might be and he was told he might try room 2201 at a nearby hotel.
Sol hopped into a cab and headed for the hotel.
There he learned at the desk that room 2201 was the room of one Ms. Karen McMerty!
Sol rushed up to the room and knocked on the door .
Imagine his surprise when it was opened by a tall, barely dressed, redhead!
And there, in the bed, was his father!
Sol was furious!
Unable to contain himself, he screamed, “Papa, I’m shocked! I don’t know what to say! A religious man like you! And at your age! Not to mention your insistence on staying at a Kosher hotel!”
The old man looked at him as if he were crazy and said, “Sol, what are you getting so excited for? It’s not like I eat here.”
by Bill Engvall
To tell you the truth, I really hate Barbie dolls. They’re just too fluffy and frilly for my taste. I think they ought to come out with a more realistic Barbie doll. Why isn’t there a “White Trash Barbie”?
This is Barbie in her later years. The modeling career is over, and Barbie and Ken live in a Barbie double-wide. They could call it the “Dream Trailer.” That Corvette would be on blocks in the front yard with the fenders mashed in and the back window shot out.
Of course, Ken would have a big old beer belly, wear dirty white T-shirts, and spend a lot of time scratching himself and belching.
“What’s for supper tonight, Barbie?”
Barbie’d stick her head out the screen door, hair in curlers, and say, “Fish sticks.”
Ken would probably grin and say, “Fish sticks? What? Is it our anniversary again?”
And imagine all the accessories you’d have to go along with White Trash Barbie. You could ha ve a little police car that would pull up in front of the mobile home from time to time because Ken go drunk and started yelling at Barbie.
Then, the cops could lead Ken off in some little Ken-cuffs. Meanwhile, Ken would still be yelling at Barbie, “I know you slept with G.I. Joe! I know you did!”
And Barbie would be crying, sitting on the wooden steps, “Oh, don’t take him away. I love him. He didn’t mean it, I know he didn’t.”
I was at a once in a lifetime corporate hospitality at a premier football game and I got an urgent call from the wife saying her mum’s been hit by a bus and has only hours to live.
Fifteen minutes later, I’m at the hospital and the wife’s hugging me. “Thank-you darling, I’m so sorry you’ll miss your football.”
“Don’t worry, love, I wouldn’t miss this – I’m taping it and I’ll watch it later.”
Dunno why she got so upset when I started setting up the camcorder.
This is a great little program put together by the USA Today website…
Roger, 85 married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenney decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms. She is concerned her new, but aged, husband may over-exert himself it they spend entire nights together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, it‟s Roger again, he is ready for more „action‟. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but aha, you guessed it! Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more „action‟. Once more they enjoy each other.
As Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, “I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.”
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: „YOU MEAN, I WAS HERE ALREADY?‟
A man parked his car at the supermarket and
was walking past an empty cart when he heard
a woman ask, “Excuse me, did you want that
“No,” he answered. “I’m only after one thing.”
As he walked toward the store, he heard her
murmur, “Just like a man.”
* Freeway congestion is getting so bad, you can change a tire without losing your place in line.
* All across the country rush hour traffic is bumper to bumper. The next thing they’ll be selling is anti-perspirant to put under your car’s fenders.
* Traffic is always heavy in both directions. There are just as many people trying to get to whatever you’re trying to get away from.
* You have mixed feelings when you see an opening in rush hour traffic. You’re glad for the opening, but you wonder who died.
* It’s useless to print roadmaps anymore. You just get on the highway and go wherever the other cars take you.
* The only way to get home from work on time is to take the day off… even then, you’re cutting it close.
* Traffic is so bad nowadays, a pedestrian is someone in a hurry.
* You can sit on the highways forever. In fact, some places have little exit ramps where you can pull over and make a car payment.
* During rush hour the only way you can change lanes is to buy the car driving next to you.
* Remember the good old days when traffic used to be bumper to bumper? Now it’s windshield wiper to windshield wiper.
* Our highways have become insane asylums with turn signals.
His father agreed that he could go, but as the young man was leaving on his donkey he called after him, “Just remember, Pedro, that you must take the long way home if it is after midnight! Whatever you do, don’t try to take the shortcut through the Magic Forest!”
Pedro had a wonderful time at the fair. Unfortunately, it was very late when the dancing and singing ended and, despite his father’s warning, he did start back through the Magic Forest. Midway along the path, a gnome suddenly appeared and shook his fist at him. “How dare you trespass on our property after midnight!” the gnome cried. “Just for that, I am going to change your donkey into a dragon!” And with a snap of his little fingers, he did.
Pedro was startled to find himself riding a dragon. However, the beast behaved well and they finally made it home. The youth’s father was waiting up when the exhausted son crept into the house.
“Are you all right?” the woodcutter asked anxiously.
“Oh yes, Father,” Pedro replied. “I had a wonderful time! But I have to confess one thing…my ass is dragon!”
Sandra was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection, and the traffic behind her starting growing.
The guy in the car directly behind her started honking his horn continuously as Sandra continued to try getting the car to start up again.
Finally Sandra gets out of her car and approaches the guy in the car behind her.
“I can’t seem to get my car started,” Sandra said, smiling. “Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me. I’ll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you.”
A newcomer to the Ashe County political scene was out canvassing votes. He
came to a farm and approached a young man milking a cow. Just as he was
starting to make his pitch for a vote, an old man came out on the back porch
and called to the young man, “Luke, come on in the house. Who’s that man
talking to you?”
“Says he’s a politician, Pop,” replied Luke.
“Well, in that case”, says the old man, “better bring the cow in with you.”
This one is WAY COOL. Thanks to Mike for sending it in… (along with like a gazzillion other things that we use)
It is hard to imagine that Yosemite is only 60 miles from Fresno, CA where it never ever snows and rarely gets below 32 F in the dead of winter.
This is an incredible video! It only happens in March and April. I have never seen a creek come to a complete stop like this before and start up again someplace else.
It’s like a lava flow.
Turn on your sound. Now just enjoy……………………
More Puns from Diaman
It’s getting really rough in here…
Max looked up at the steep, icy mountainside. “I can’t do it, ” he said.
His companions begged him to climb the mountain with them, but he refused to move.
“I’m against mountain climbing.” he said.
Now they call him “Anti-climb-Max.”