It’s about time! Dang the service here is slow, my coffee cup has been empty for 30 seconds…..oh, its YOU guys! Sorry about that, don’t suppose any of you happened to snag the coffee pot on the way by? No? SIGH!
Ok, FINE! If I’m not getting anymore coffee then we might as well….
If You Need Further Proof You’re Not Smarter Than A Fifth Grader…
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I love this child)
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand….
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mum is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher (When he gets older he’ll come to realize this question also can be answered with ‘politician’)
Okay………here it is. A test to see if your brain is still working.
Which one do you think is the blonde?
Amazing I did not see it before..
The Blonde is the one with the wrong leg up.
That is OK I did not Pass the test EITHER!!!!
(actually, I got this one right… )
Now I don’t want to brag or embarrass Impish but I wear a size 13-5E to his paltry 10.5 D width…this should say something right there.
Ruger is coming out with a new pistol in honor of Obama. It will be named the “Union Worker”
It doesn’t work and you can’t fire it.
The skunk has replaced the Eagle as the new symbol of the American Presidency.
It is half black, half white, and everything it does stinks!
Y’all will live this one!! Over 100 songs here.
(Only works with Internet Explorer. Sorry! Not our fault and nothing we can do about it)
The instructor in an Air Force basic training course asked an Airman,
“If you were on night sentry duty and saw a figure crawling toward camp, what procedure would you follow?”
“Well, sir,” the private answered, “I’d help the officer to his quarters.”
An Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning. An
electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating
that the electric company would like to run a power line
through his pasture. The Amish man said, “No.”
“Legally, that paper says we can.” replied the worker.
Then he turned and left, returning to his co-workers. After
they drove into the field, the Amish man went to his barn and
turned his bull into the pasture.
As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the
Amish man hollered, “Show HIM your paper!”
“Skipper,” the sailor said to his captain as he saluted, “a special
message just came in for you from the admiral. I have it right here.”
“Read it to me,” the captain ordered.
The sailor read, “You are without a doubt the most idiotic, lame-
brained officer ever to command a ship in the United States Navy.”
The skipper responded, “Have that communication decoded at once!”
Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of
her mathematic classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his
wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to
charity. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Morris raised his hand. The
teacher called on Little Morris for his answer.
With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Morris answered, “A lawyer!”
(that kid is going to go far in this life I can tell!)
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other in an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, ‘Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?’
The rabbi responded, ‘Yes, that is still one of our laws.’ The priest then asked, ‘Have you ever eaten pork?’
To which the rabbi replied, ‘Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.’
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, ‘Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?’
The priest replied, ‘Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.’
The rabbi then asked him, ‘Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?’
The priest replied, ‘Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.’
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, ‘Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?
I hadn’t recorded a greeting yet on my new answering machine, so when my mother came to visit, I asked her to tape one.
“This is Marcia’s mother,” my machine announced. “Marcia is an only child; she never writes, she never calls. So why not give me a buzz? I’d be happy to talk to you. My number is…”
Everyone called my mother. She loved the attention.
Ok I see your point! Now point that at the dragon please!
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting Sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, “If you were a gentleman you’d lift your hat.”
He raised an eyebrow and replied, “If you were better looking it would lift itself.”