Blah ba blah blah blah. In a hurry this morning. A couple of my clients didn’t get the it’s Friday Memo apparently so I’m dashing out the door as soon as I post this. Hopefully I’ll wander back in the door later in as good a mood as I am now and with a little more gold in me pocket than I went out with. If not at least I’m getting a free lunch(hopefully) out of one guy
LET’S LAUGH LIKE NOBODY CAN SEE OR HEAR US!
One Hole Back
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
‘I’m on the 7th hole,’ she replied, ‘and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.’
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.
‘I’m on number 14, and you’re still a hole behind, so you must be on the
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, ‘Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you’re in the sales profession. I’m in sales also. What do you sell?’
‘I’ll tell you, but you’re going to laugh,’ she replied.
‘No, I won’t.’ ‘Well, if you must know,’ she answered, ‘I work for Tampax.’
With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.
‘See,’ she said. ‘I knew you’d laugh!’
‘That’s not what I’m laughing at,’ he replied, ‘I’m a salesman for Preparation H, so I’m still a hole behind you.’
<Some days the view just never changes!>
A QUICK SELF TEST FOR ALZHEIMER’S!
How fast can you guess these words?
1. F_ _K
6. _ _NDOM
You got all 6 wrong….didn’t you?
Well, you don’t have Alzheimer’s, but you may be a pervert!
Damn! Have a little self respect…at least hold out for a Klondike Bar!
Lethal Leprechaun was walking his Irish Setter in the country side. He picked up a stick and threw it, the dog went and retrieved it and brought it back. Lethal then threw it in a different direction and the dog once again went and retrieved it and brought it back. Lethal then threw it in another direction and it landed in a small lake. The dog went down to the water’s edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back.
Well, Lethal was astounded. He couldn’t believe what he had seen and threw stick in the lake again, and the dog once again walked across the water to bring the stick back. As he went into town, he promised that he would show his dog’s wonderful new trick to the first person he came across.
Once in town the first person the Leprechaun came across was his friend Impish Dragon. Lethal dragged Impish to the lake to show him what his dog could do. Once again, the Lethal threw the stick into the small lake and the dog went to the water’s edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back to it’s owner.
Once Impish saw that, he turned to Lethal and said; “Why that’s great, Lethal! But when are you going to teach your dog how to swim?”
Useful Words Not Found in the Dictionary
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn’t get it. (We here at DragonLaffs encounter and use this word regularly, particularly in relation to liberals)
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high.
Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s, like, a serious bummer.
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Stop and think about this:
“Birthday cake is the only food you can blow on, spit on, tough with your fingers ( both when stealing a taste of icing as well as when serving) and everybody just rushes to get a piece.”
Speed Enforced By Aircraft – BELIEVE IT!
Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.
The second not finding anything either, thought “I’m not getting rid of my panties…” so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other:
“We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties…”
The other one responded: “You’re lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, “We will never forget you.”
Religious Wars: Fighting over who has the best imaginary friend.
A Lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court for arraignment. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) What he had to say for himself in defense of his behavior.
The man replied, ‘Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming’ and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling,’ and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, ‘William’s Big Stick Did the Trick,’ and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time And sat under a sign that said, ‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!’ … I just lost it.’
The Leprechaun’s Helpful Guide on Deciding If He or She is the One You Should Marry
Men who can answer “yes” to five or more of these questions should consider carefully before proposing marriage.
* In the kitchen, has she ever referred to an oven as “that square thing?”
* Does she use the phrase “you know” more than twice per sentence?
* Is she making monthly payments of more than $300 to a plastic surgeon.
* Have you noticed her name tattooed on three or more local bikers?
* Have you noticed three or more local bikers’ names tattooed on her?
* Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to an old boyfriend’s?
* Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to the Green Bay Packers?
* Does she have a wholesale source for Deodorant-in-a-Drum?
* Has she ever used the word poo-poo?
* If forced to use it at all, does she choose to spell the word sex?
* Does her resume include a six-year stint at Big Leg Emma’s House of Painful Delights?
When to Accept a Proposal… Or Not Women who can answer “yes” to five or more of these questions should consider carefully before accepting a proposal of marriage.
* On his first date with you, did he pick you up early so you could help with his laundry?
* To reach him in an emergency, would anyone think to call the local adult bookstore?
* Has he ever bragged about seeing every episode of “Gilligan’s Island” at least four times?
* Is it unclear to some people whether that’s a mustache or just a lot of unruly nose hair?
* Is his idea of a classy restaurant one where every table has its own stack of ketchup packets?
* Does his car get more than sixty miles per gallon?
* Does the label on his deodorant include the phrase “Industrial Strength?”
* Has he memorized the telephone number of at least one bail-bondsman?
For those who may not be familiar with the fellow who’s blog we quote below Bill Balsamico is a restaurateur, the owner of Casa d’ Ice in North Versailles, PA. More notably he is known as “the man with the signs” as shown here:
You may have run across a few on the internet as they generally get passed around far and wide.You’ve never seen any of them you say? What Cyber rock have YOU been lurking under?
We (Impish and I) see Bill as a kindred spirit, one unafraid to risk his business by publically speaking his mind for any and all to see. A friend who does NOT read DragonLaffs (can you believe this guy!) recently forwarded me a copy Bill’s latest endeavor, a blog where he can amplify on some of his views. Below is one of his recent posts. While they are all good this one being the son of a UAW worker who worked for GM for 25 years stood out particularly to me.
ALL ELECTRIC CARS
Before I start, understand I was a union member for a little over the first 10 years Sitting here hoping the NFL will settle its contract so we can have a football season this year, I was planning my trip to Cleveland to watch the Steelers pound them into the turf. I also was considering buying an ALL ELECTRIC CAR with the price of gas climbing the way it is. So I looked at a Nissan Leaf at about $40,000 and where it can take me. The Nissan Leaf has been tested under the EPA Urban Dynamometer Driving Schedule, a laboratory test commonly called the LA4 test cycle, which represents city driving conditions. Top speed is 56.7mph. Since I will be on the turnpike these are the specs I can expect. On a “FULL CHARGE” at 55mph and the AC or heater on my range is “POSSIBLY” 70 miles before recharging (recharging takes 8 hours. Hoping I can find a charging station when I get that far). If it is raining my range will be less with the wipers running and if I’m driving into the wind the range goes down even more. The distance from Pittsburgh to Cleveland Stadium is about 145-150 miles. So hopefully I won’t need the AC or heater and its not raining or windy (unless its a tail wind) and this will be my day. Drive about 1 hour and 15 minutes–stop for an 8 hour charge, drive another 1 hour and 15 minutes and hope I make it to the stadium (or I’ll need another 8 hour charge). Assuming I make it to the stadium (on the first charge) I sure hope there is a charging station available. Now I plug my car in, go watch a 3 hour football game, come out and wait 5 more hours for the battery to fully charge. Drive 1 hour and 15 minutes stop for another 8 hour charge and drive another 1 hour and 15 minutes and I’m back home but can’t even go to the store until I charge the car again for 8 hours. In my Ford ranger (gas) the trip takes about 2 hours—with the new “TECHNOLOGICAL ELECTRIC CAR” it takes 10 1/2 hours minimum to Cleveland And 15 1/2 hours minimum back to Pittsburgh (providing ALL conditions are perfect), I could make better time than that on a bicycle and save $40,000 along with saving the tax payers for my “ENERGY CREDIT”. Here’s a better comparison yet: My great grandfather who lived in Shaker Heights, a suburb of Cleveland Ohio and had a 1910 Model T Ford could make that same trip in roughly 5 hours–100 years ago. We’ve come a long way baby (or have we).
My suggestion to President Obama is simple: Start drilling domestically (this creates many GOOD PAYING JOBS) as well as lowers gas prices and quit wasting money on tax credits that don’t make sense. Giving tax credits for electric cars would be the same as giving tax credits for using 2 cans and a string to put down our cell phones. I think the only reason you’re not pushing for 2 cans and a string in your ALTERNATIVE ENERGY PROGRAM is the fact that there is nowhere to “PUSH ONE FOR ENGLISH” SORRY but I don’t see myself as part of this “ELECTRIC CAR REVOLUTION”.