BEGORRAH! ‘Tis finally come around again to me favorite holiday a day when all true sons of Erie don their beloved green and proudly proclaim “Erin Go Braugh!” More on that in a second.‘Twas my original plan to have a post today mostly about what St Patrick’s Day REALLY is an how it is celebrated in Ireland. However judging by the number of ‘helpful submissions’ arriving both in my inbox and secretly being supplied to Impish a great number of you ‘loyal readers’ see it as the day I should take my turn in the barrel and allow Impish his revenge for all of my True Tales of Impish Dragon editions.

Ok I can take a hint and man up for my turn in the barrel…but can you please empty the barrel out first give it a proper pressure washing and then refill it with Guinness please? I don’t want to say too much, but every time I saw Impish in the barrel there were bubbles and its not Jacuzzi jet equipped so I’m a wee suspicious of where the bubbles were coming from. No don’t fill it only half way fill ‘er right to the top full measure. I’ll either hold me breath or just drink it down while enduring all these stereotypical Irish jokes in a stoic fashion. So with out further ado I say…

Mair, Gáire, Grá!

(Gaelic for Live, Laugh, Love)

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
“So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have ya been?”
“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”
“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

                         

McTavish a Scotsman and lover of the drink, …especially fine Scotch whiskey has dropped in on his old friend, Paddy, an Irishman of the same inclination, …though of course preferring Irish whiskey.
After and hours chat, McTavish allows he must be going…
“Och & damn ,”says Paddy, “I have forgotten me manners… now before ye go off, ye’ll be havin’ a wee dram with me, won’t you?”
“Ah..weel, since ye ask, I winna say no,” nods McTavish.
So Paddy gets a bottle of Connemara Single Malt from the shelf,
pours some into a glass, adds some water and hands it to McTavish.
McTavish sips at the drink, runs his tongue around his lips…
takes another sip and stares at the glass as if contemplating it.
“So..how is the drink?”, asks Paddy.
“Ah,it’s fine… fine…”, replies McTavish, taking a third, tentative sip.
“But, I dinna see the smile o’ a man enjoying good Irish whisky,” says Paddy…”…the drink… is it not to yer likin’?”
“No, no… it’s fine,” repeats McTavish, “I do have one wee question, though… when ye poured the drink, did ye put in the whisky, or the water first?”
“Why, ye were right here… ye know full weel I poured the whisky first!”
“Ah,” says McTavish, nodding “…good…I’ll be comin’ to it soon then!”

 

Erin go braugh is a phonetic version of “Éirinn go brách,” which in Irish (Gaelic) means “Ireland Forever.” It was an Irish blessing used to express allegiance to Ireland. It could also translate as “Ireland ’till doomsday,” “Ireland until eternity,” “Ireland until the end (of time)” or “Ireland until the Day of Judgment.” (Éire and Éirinn are both used as names for Ireland.)

 

 

Now a days with so many Irish folk spread so far and wide however its taken on the additional connotation of preserving Ireland’s true heart, the magical, mystical, mirthful and merry way we Irish look at and approach life.

 

A fellow was talking to Lethal Leprechaun and said, “I gotta stop drinking that Irish whiskey.”

“How come?” asked Lethal.

“Because every Saturday night I go out and drink a fifth of the stuff, come home, make mad passionate love to the wife, wake up Sunday morning, and go to church.”

‘

“What’s wrong with that?” Lethal asked. “A lot of good Irishmen go out on Saturday night, drink a fifth of good Irish whiskey, come home, make love to the wife, and go to mass on Sunday.”

“I know,” said his friend, “but I’m Jewish!”

 

 

 

I switched him from Jameson’s to Bushmills and now every Sunday he’s off with them Orange Boys. We’ll try him out on Tullamore Dew next and see if we can’t bring him ‘round to the Church of Ireland at least!

 

 

 

                         

An  Irishman moved into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry.  He walks into the local pub orders three pints of Guinness, takes them to a table and proceeds to drink them taking his time. He repeats this two times and then leaves the pub.
A few nights later he returns to the pub, orders three pints of Guinness, takes them to a table and drinks them taking his time. He repeats this two times and leaves the pub. He continues this for several weeks. Soon the entire town is talking about the “Three Pint Man.”
Finally, one day the pub owner on behalf of the entire town broaches the subject to the man. “I don’t mean to pry, but folks are quite curious why you order three pints each time you come in.”
The man replied, “I have two brothers – one in America and one in Australia. When we parted ways we all promised that each time we had a drink, we would order an extra two pints as a way of keeping up with each other.”
The pub owner and the entire town thought this was wonderful and were pleased that the brothers meant so much to each other. “The Three Pint Man” became a celebrity not only to the town but to the surrounding area.
One day the man came into the pub and orders only two pints of Guinness. The pub owner poured them with a heavy heart knowing in his soul that something dreadful must have happened. The news spreads around town and people are offering prays for the “Three Pint Man.”
This went on for a few weeks and the pub owner says to the man, “I want to offer our condolences due to the death of your brother. We are all heart broken.”
The man gave him a quizical look, and the bartender explained ” You know the two pints and all.”
The man ponders this for a few minutes, smiles with realization and replies, “You’ll be glad to hear that my brothers are alive and well. It’s just that I, meself, have decided to give up Guinness for Lent.”

Saint Patrick’s Day    

(Irish: Lá Fhéile Pádraig) is a religious holiday celebrated internationally on 17 March. It is named after Saint Patrick (c. AD 387–461), the most commonly recognized of the patron saints of Ireland. It originated as a Catholic holiday and became an official feast day in the early 17th century. It has gradually become more of a secular celebration of Ireland’s culture.

It is a public holiday in the Republic of Ireland, Northern Ireland,[one of the few things both places have always managed to agree on] Newfoundland and Labrador and in Montserrat. It is also widely celebrated by the Irish diaspora, especially in places such as Great Britain, Canada, the United States, Argentina, Australia, New Zealand, and Montserrat, among others.

 

In this picture I’m celebration Impish paying his legal fees and betting losses finally!

What It Means To Be Irish

You think you sing very well. (Are you kidding? Dogs and Cats join in ta try and help me carry a tune!)

You’re strangely poetic after a few beers. (I leave the poetry to others…I’m a pub philosopher!)

You have no idea how to make a long story short.  (Ok this one ‘tis true)

You do the total opposite of what the doctor says. (Bah! What do they know?)

Your skin’s ability to tan not so much. (But all them freckles make up of the lack of a tan and last year round!)

You have never hit your head on a ceiling. (Wanna bet? I’m 6’ 2”!)

You have great respect for the truth, and you only use it in emergencies. (True, true it’s too boring  and usually incriminating otherwise)

At least one of your cousins holds political office. ( Only one? Must have been one of those rare honest families you hear stories of he’s talking about! I know Irish families where politics IS the family business! Can you say Kennedy?)

You swear very well. (Often, at great length, creatively, in at least half a dozen languages and with great feeling and conviction too!)

 

Saint Patrick

Little is known of Patrick’s early life, though it is known that he was born in Roman Britain in the 4th century, into a wealthy Romano-British family. His father and grandfather were deacons in the Church. At the age of sixteen, he was kidnapped by Irish raiders and taken captive to Ireland as a slave. It is believed he was held somewhere on the west coast of Ireland, possibly Mayo, but the exact location is unknown. According to his Confession, he was told by God in a dream to flee from captivity to the coast, where he would board a ship and return to Britain. Upon returning, he quickly joined the Church in Auxerre in Gaul and studied to be a priest.

In 432, he again said that he was called back to Ireland, though as a bishop, to Christianize the Irish from their native polytheism. Irish folklore tells that one of his teaching methods included using the shamrock to explain the Christian doctrine of the Trinity to the Irish people. After nearly thirty years of evangelism, he died on 17 March 461, and according to tradition, was buried at Downpatrick. Although there were other more successful missions to Ireland from Rome, Patrick endured as the principal champion of Irish Christianity and is held in esteem in the Irish Church.

Paddy is passing by Mick’s barn one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right rubber boot, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers .
Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.
‘What on earth are you doing Mick’ says Paddy
‘Jayzuz Paddy, ye frightened the livin’ shite out of me’ says an obviously embarrassed Mick.  ‘Me and the missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.’

                         

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

                         

Paddy visited his parents the day after his wedding.
His father took him aside and asked, “How did it go last night, son?”
Paddy winked and elbowed his dad. “Gee, great. You know, the way she was acting, I think I could have screwed her.”

                         

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.
“Please, you have to come right over,” pleaded the distraught young mother. “My child has swallowed a contraceptive.”
The physician dressed quickly; but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again. “You don’t have to come over after all,” the woman said with a sigh of relief. “My husband just found another one.”

 Wearing o’ the Green

Originally, the color associated with Saint Patrick was blue. Over the years the color green and its association with Saint Patrick’s day grew. Green ribbons and shamrocks were worn in celebration of St Patrick’s Day as early as the 17th century. He is said to have used the shamrock, a three-leaved plant, to explain the Holy Trinity to the pagan Irish, and the wearing and display of shamrocks and shamrock-inspired designs have become a ubiquitous feature of the day. In the 1798 rebellion, in hopes of making a political statement, Irish soldiers wore full green uniforms on 17 March in hopes of catching public attention,  The phrase “the wearing of the green”, meaning to wear a shamrock on one’s clothing, derives from a song of the same name.

 

 

 Saint Patrick’s Day In Ireland

 

Saint Patrick’s feast day, as a kind of national day, was already being celebrated by the Irish in Europe in the ninth and tenth centuries. In later times he become more and more widely known as the patron of Ireland. Saint Patrick’s feast day was finally placed on the universal liturgical calendar in the Catholic Church in the early 1600s. Saint Patrick’s Day thus became a holy day of obligation for Roman Catholics in Ireland. The church calendar avoids the observance of saints’ feasts during certain solemnities, moving the saint’s day to a time outside those periods. Saint Patrick’s Day is occasionally affected by this requirement, when 17 March falls during Holy Week.

In 1903, Saint Patrick’s Day became an official public holiday in Ireland. This was thanks to the Bank Holiday (Ireland) Act 1903, an act of the United Kingdom Parliament introduced by Irish MP James O’Mara. O’Mara later introduced the law that required that pubs and bars be closed on 17 March after drinking got out of hand, a provision that was repealed in the 1970s. The first Saint Patrick’s Day parade held in the Irish Free State was held in Dublin in 1931 and was reviewed by the then Minister of Defense Desmond Fitzgerald. Although secular celebrations now exist, the holiday remains a religious observance in Ireland, for both the Roman Catholic Church and the Church of Ireland.

 

 

In the mid-1990s the Irish government began a campaign to use Saint Patrick’s Day to showcase Ireland and its culture.  The government set up a group called St. Patrick’s Festival, with the aim to:

    — Offer a national festival that ranks amongst all of the greatest celebrations in the world and promote excitement throughout Ireland via innovation, creativity, grassroots involvement, and marketing activity.
    — Provide the opportunity and motivation for people of Irish descent, (and those who sometimes wish they were Irish) to attend and join in the imaginative and expressive celebrations.
    — Project, internationally, an accurate image of Ireland as a creative, professional and sophisticated country with wide appeal, as we approach the new millennium.[14]

The first Saint Patrick’s Festival was held on 17 March 1996. In 1997, it became a three-day event, and by 2000 it was a four-day event. By 2006, the festival was five days long; more than 675,000 people attended the 2009 parade. Overall 2009’s five day festival saw close to 1 million visitors, who took part in festivities that included concerts, outdoor theatre performances, and fireworks.

As well as Dublin, many other cities, towns, and villages in Ireland hold their own parades and festivals, including Cork, Belfast, Derry, Galway, Kilkenny, Limerick, and Waterford.

The biggest celebrations outside Dublin are in Downpatrick, County Down, where Saint Patrick is rumored to be buried. In 2004, according to Down District Council, the week-long St. Patrick’s Festival had more than 2,000 participants and 82 floats, bands, and performers and was watched by more than 30,000 people.

The shortest St Patrick’s Day parade in the world takes place in Dripsey, Cork. The parade lasts just 100 yards and travels between the village’s two pubs. < To be fair it should be explained… Dripsey (Irish: Druipseach, meaning “Muddy river”) is a village in County Cork on the R618 regional road. It is situated on a tributary of the River Lee, the Dripsey River. It is in the Catholic parish of Inniscarra. Other areas in this parish are Berrings, Cloghroe, Tower and Mathey. The village has two pubs (The Lee Valley Inn and The Weigh Inn) , one shop (Mary Lars) which also doubles as the post office. Dripsey has one primary school and one play school with many of the children attending secondary education in the nearby village of Coachford. So basically if you are coming up on Dripsey on the R618 and suffer a case of the sniffles you’ll have past it by the time they are over! >

Christian leaders in Ireland have expressed concern about the secularization of St Patrick’s Day. In The Word magazine’s March 2007 issue, Fr. Vincent Twomey wrote, “It is time to reclaim St Patrick’s Day as a church festival.” He questioned the need for “mindless alcohol-fuelled revelry” and concluded that “it is time to bring the piety and the fun together [IMHO piety and fun are mutually exclusive terms regardless of the presence or not of alcohol. Especially when you heap the fun sucking Roman Catholic Church into the mix, to say nothing of their hand into your pocket! When you stop to consider in the history of the Catholic Church just how many non-Catholic Festivals, Events and Holidays they have deliberately bulldozed, paved over and obliterated, one would think they could tolerate the slight side tracking of one MINORLY religious holiday in the name of cultural pride.]

 

This offer good for females only…Impish don’t go getting no ideas!

               

“Ya know” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a little bar called McTavish’s. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks, he will buy the fifth drink for you.”
“Well” said the Englishman, “at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”
“Ahhhhh, that’s nothing,” said the Irishman. “Back home in Dublin there’s Ryan’s Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.”
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman’s claims, but he swears every word is true.
“Well,” asked the Englishman, “did this actually happen to you?”
“No, not me meself, personally, no,” said the Irishman. “…but it did happen to me sister.”

                         

Murphy said to his daughter, “I want you home by eleven o’clock.”
She said, “But Father, I’m no longer a child!”
He said, “I know, that’s why I want you home by eleven.”

                         

Maureen O’Murrah had taken a Manhattan taxi home from work, since both of the ladies she usually carpooled with had taken sick. In the confusion of the short-handed office staff, and hurrying downstairs to meet the cab, she had left her purse behind. As the cab pulled up to her apartment building, she was looking about the seat for her purse when the driver told her the price of her ride.
In great embarrassment, she said, “Ach. I’m not believin’ I did this, Sir, but me purse isn’t here. I must have left behind. I’m sorry, but I’m not havin’ the money to pay you just now.”
The driver was… well, he was a Manhattan taxi driver. He said, “That’s all right Missy, I’ll just pull down into that dark street ahead, and get back there with you, and I’ll just take your panties off.”
Maureen chuckled, and said “Shure, an’ it’s the poor end of the trade that you’ll be gettin’. These panties only cost eighty-nine cents.”

All this joke telling ‘tis thirsty work. Since none o’ the likes of ya have offered me a pint or a dram ‘tis me own I’ll be getting. Be right back in a quick shake. PUBLICAN! A GUINNESS IF YA PLEASE!

Ah! Now that’s the ticket!

Now where were we?

Seems as though even St. Patrick’s Day humor is not immune to groaners!
Being I’m of a generous mind today here’s 3 to suffer through!

They’re making a new XXX movie.
It’s about an anorexic Irish prostitute who hops from bed to bed.
Her name’s Tramp O’Lean

Did you hear about the Irish gay couple? Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael.

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

Castle Blarney

The famous Blarney Castle in Ireland was built in 1446. Over the years, it has become a world landmark and one of Ireland’s most popular attractions. Many travelers believe that a trip to the medieval Blarney Castle can’t be missed; it’s on par with the Guinness Brewery and other attractions as an intrinsic symbol of Ireland and Irish heritage. It is located in Blarney Village, about 8 km northwest from Cork City in the southern Ireland.

Blarney Castle history is an intriguing one. It was the third structure to be built on this site. The first one was a wooden structure built in the 10th century, and a stone structure replaced it in 1210 A.D. This building was torn down because of foundation problems, and the final, medieval Blarney Castle was built by Dermot McCarthy in 1446. At one time, the castle was occupied by Cormac McCarthy, King of Munster, who allegedly sent 4,000 Munster men to held Robert the Bruce at the battle of Bannockburn. According to legend, Robert the Bruce gave half of the Stone of Scone to McCarthy in gratitude, which was incorporated into the structure of the castle, becoming the Blarney Stone. The Blarney Castle history includes stories about Cromwell, Queen Elizabeth, and other famous figures, which visitors can read about during their tour of the castle.

The Blarney Stone is without a doubt the most famous part of Blarney Castle. Also called the legendary Stone of Eloquence, it is located at the top of the castle’s tower. Legend has it that if you kiss it, you’ll be struck with eternal eloquence and you will never be at a loss for words.

Aye afore ye ask, kissed it have I, thrice. Once each time I’ve been in the Auld Sod. There’s even some say I‘ve so much the gift o’ Gab I must have French-kissed the bloody thing!

 

 

Besides the fabulous medieval Blarney Castle in Ireland, visitors can check out the Blarney House. It was built at the beginning of the 18th century by St. James St. John Jefferyes. It is a Georgian gothic house located against the keep of the castle. The Rock Close, a landscape garden, was created at the same time. In 1820, the house was destroyed by fire, but the wings remain. In 1874, the family decided to build the new house in Scottish baronial style, south of the present keep. It has been the family home ever since.

 

Rock Close is certainly worth a visit, although many people find it rather creepy at night and wait to explore it in the light of day. There are many interesting things to see, including many Druid-related structures. For instances, a sacrificial stone is situated so the first rays of the sun strike it at the appointed time for sacrifice. Other sights to see are the Wishing Steps, the Witches Kitchen, the Head Druid’s Cave, the Witches Stone, the Fairy Glade, and the Druids Circle.

 

The Poison Garden

One of the most intriguing features of the castle grounds of Blarney Castle for a scientist is the castle’s “Poison Garden”. A collection of plants embracing the world’s most deadliest toxins, one can walk amongst danger and see, smell, and view from close proximity what plants take the lives of hundreds of thousands of human lives annually. The garden has been active since the 18th century and a popular tourist attraction along with the other gardens on the grounds as the estate extends to over 1,000 acres of gardens (the poison garden is just a small tiny yard). Some of the more noted species in the garden are:

 

    American Mandrake
    Camellia sinensis Tea
    Castor Oil
    Deadly Nightshade
    Delphinium
    European Mandrake
    Foxglove
    Henbane
    Love Lies Bleeding
    Oleander
    Opium Poppy
    Poison Hemlock
    Rhubarb

    Wolfsbane   Wormwood,    Yew Tree

The Blarney Castle in Ireland should be at the top of any traveler’s itinerary. With the intriguing, somewhat eerie Rock Close, the beautiful castle, and the entertaining Blarney Castle history, visitors leave feeling like they’ve touched (even kissed) a genuine part of Irish history and tradition.

The Top 5 St. Patrick’s Day Pick-Up Lines

5> “Well, lass, we’re the only ones still standing. How about it?”

4> “I named my pee-pee ‘Guinness’ Ye can see ‘e’s ‘angin’ out. And when ‘e saw ye with ‘is eye, ‘e went from pale to stout!”

3> “Lassie, it’s your ancestral duty to drive the snake out of my pants!”

2> “I work for Aer Lingus Culinary Department. Do the math.”

and The Number 1 St. Patrick’s Day Pick-Up Line…

1> “You’ve already had seven Guinness draughts? Brilliant!”

[ Copyright 2007 by Chris White/TopFive.com ]

Suckers! They’ll buy that ‘converted my gold to stocks or debit card’ shtick every time!

 

 

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he’d like a drink.
He replied in disgust “I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!”
Paddy handed his drink back and said “Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice!”

                         

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says “You know what I want, don’t you?”
“Yeah,” says Paddy. “The whole feckin’ bed by the looks of it!”

                         

Q. What’s a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?
A. A black coat, white collar and you’ve got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

                         

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to ya, that you’re from Ireland .’
The other woman responds proudly, ‘Yes, I sure am!’
The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?’
The other woman answers, ‘I’m from Dublin , I am.’
The first one responds, ‘So, am I!! And what street did ya live on in Dublin ?’
The other woman says, ‘A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.’
The first one says, ‘Faith and Begorrah, tis a small world it is! So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?’
The other woman answers, ‘Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.’
The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I! Tell me, what year did ya graduate?’
The other woman answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’
The first woman exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!’
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’
Michael asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’
Brian answers, ‘The Murphy twins are drunk again.’

                         

Only one thing wrong with being a Leprechaun:

When it rains, they’re the last to know!

Et tu Karl? Really?

                         

THE  IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily.
“Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?”

The girl, crying, replied, ‘Sniff, sniff… Dad…. I became a prostitute.’

‘Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot!   Sinner!  You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.

‘OK, Dad… As ye wish.   I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that’s parked outside, plus a membership to the country club… (takes a breath)… And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.’

‘Now what was it ye said ye had become?’ says Dad.

Girl, crying again, ‘Sniff, sniff… a prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.’

‘Oh!  bloody hell!    Ye scared the bejaisus out of me girl! I  thought ye said a  Protestant. Come here and give yer old Da a hug!!!’

Celebrating St. Patrick’s Day In the Traditional Irish Manner

 

Damian McGarvey left Donegal, Ireland, and came to New York in 2004 to work for the now-closed Harp & Fiddle.

He recently talked about how St. Patrick’s Day is celebrated in his homeland.

“It is a religious holiday in Ireland,” he said. “St. Patrick was the patron saint of Ireland, and everyone goes to church on that day. You put on a shamrock before you go to church. After church, you come home and have lunch, usually the same as a Sunday dinner, maybe a roast beef,” he said.

The meal might also include champ, which is mashed potatoes with chopped spring onions or scallions, he said.

McGarvey said the meal would not be corned beef and cabbage. “That’s an Irish American thing. I never had corned beef until I came here.”

Some grow shamrocks in the garden while others buy them, and as a youngster it was fun to see who could find the biggest shamrock, he said.

“They wear an item of green clothing, but we don’t dress all in green like a leprechaun,” McGarvey said.

Then there are the parades.

“Most towns have a parade. There is a huge one in Dublin every year,” he said.

After lunch, the family often sits down to watch television coverage of the St. Patrick’s Day parades all over the world, and most folks usually go out in the afternoon or evening and “drown the shamrock,” meaning they have a few beers at the local pub, he said.

“Everyone around the world celebrates St. Patrick’s Day and that makes the Irish people proud. On St Patrick’s day everyone is Irish,” McGarvey said.

Actually the bit about Ireland not being technologically advanced is a misnomer these days. In fact Ireland is fact becoming the leader in the E.U. when it comes to computers software and programing. In actuality more than 2 in 5 of those ‘help me get money out of a poor African nation’ spam e-mails now originate in Ireland according to Interpol’s Cyber Crimes Division!

                         

 

OK, now we’ve had a pint’ (or 15 in the Dragon’s case) a wee bit of a lesson on the reality and history behind  an authentic St. Patrick’s Day, told a few jokes and my expense (just wait ‘til Monday- ‘tis back to the True Tales of Impish Dragon I am with a vengeance!) and we’ve sung a few proper St. Patrick’s Day songs. ‘Tis high time I’m on me way as it’s a big day for me with lots doing ta be sure! So lets observe one final proper Irish custom and have The Parting Glass!

 

Thank ya for your kind attention on this best of all days to be an Irishman! ‘Tis a wonderful audience ya’ve been. IF you plan on drinking today until ya think you’re Irish, please walk (stagger?), take public transportation, a cab or have a designated driver! Oh! And would someone see that Impish remembers ta pick up the tab for all this and gets driven home safely? I’ve called for a flat tow for him in place of a cab. he’d wind up ruining a cab in the condition he’s in. And if we could just let him discover the green eye shadow, lipstick and nail polish on his own that would be grand too.

 

What a great title that is…kind of rolls right off the tongue…”Additional Words, on Today’s ‘Last Word’”.
Although, that would, technically, make this the Last Word.
But, if this “Last Word” is making comment on the Earlier “Last Word”, then this isn’t really a “Last Word” but a “New Word” on the “Last Word”…
Okay, so now my head is starting to hurt.

I just wanted to share with you some of the comments that, I’m not sure, are readily apparent to those of you on the other side of the column, as is were. 

Let’s start at the beginning with Lynn:
The 1st time I flew to Israel alone my father didn’t tell me about these men praying and about 1/2 way thru the flight many got up and went to the back of the plane. I had no idea what was happening but many of us were scared to death. There are rules for these things when the time is right and the place is wrong. They were wrong and the airline owed them no apology. You have no idea how secular tempers flare on El Al flights when this takes place.Gotta love an equal rights ranter!!!! Lynn

Thanks Lynn…that tells me that it happens on El Al (Israel’s airline) and people don’t like it there, either!

Next is from Don:
The situation on Alaska Airlines just proves once more that Political Correctness and lawyers are the downfall of this country, R.I.P common sense, courtesy and logic………Don

Thanks Don.  Sadly, common sense died a horribly brutal death several years ago.  My, oh, my how it is missed.

Then we have this little gem from Hank:I loved your rant today and think it is high [time] we stop bending the rules for every weird Tom, Dick and Harry

Hank, you are absolutely right!  The Air Lines owe no one an apology, except maybe the other passengers, for not opening the door at 30,000 feet and kicking the offending assholes off the plane.  What they were doing was wrong.  Plain and simple.  They endangered the other passengers, the flight and the entire crew.  The pilot should’ve just pulled over and let them out.  Safety Rules are in place for a reason.  PERIOD.  You don’t break them for religious, political or ANY OTHER reason.  For Rabbi Motti Seloigson, I would be more than happy to put you in touch with some people who can teach the Orthodox Jews the importance of airline safety for EVERYONE and to Deborah Lauter, I understand that these rules can be a little difficult to understand and I’m more than willing to write them out for you to give a little additional training to anyone, of any religion that has trouble understanding their importance to EVERYONE.

Thanks Lethal.  GREAT RANT my brother.  I will stand shoulder to shoulder with you, anytime!  (Great issue overall.  I laughed my butt off.  And you know that’s an awful lot of laughing!)

Impish Dragon

 

That wonderful smell wafting from your e-mailed issue of Dragon Laffs or from the blog is actually emanating from my kitchen. That’s the smell of hot baked scones being made, partly for my breakfast and partly for St Patrick’s Day tomorrow. NO YOU MAY NOT “JUST TRY ONE”! THESE ARE MINE! ALL MINE YOU HEAR??!! Keep your grubby paws and claws (that goes for you too Impish) off my scones! If you’re lucky you might find an Irish scone recipe or two below for you.

On and be sure to catch todays The Last Word been a good while since I went off on a rant and a recent event has me Irish up and is sure ta put a burr under your saddle as well when you read it.

Now stop sniffing all the fragrance out of my scone, go bake your own and…

Let’s Laugh Already!

When Impish said he was immersed in coffee culture he wasn’t kidding…That’s HIS scaled claw rejecting the button from the coffee!

 

COLUMBUS, Ga. (AP) — Aflac Inc. said Monday it has fired Gilbert Gottfried, the abrasive voice of the insurer’s quacking duck in the U.S., after the comedian posted a string of mocking jokes about the earthquake and tsunami in Japan on Twitter over the weekend.

The tasteless tweets are particularly problematic for Aflac because it does 75 percent of its business in Japan. One in four homes in Japan buys health insurance from Aflac.

Hope HE has Aflac insurance as part of his contract, because after shooting his own foot off he’s sure going to need it!

 

Scones, Scones and MORE Scones!

Raisin-Apple Scones (from Claridge’s Hotel, London)

3    c. self-rising flour
1/2 c. sugar
3/4 c. (1-1/2 sticks) unsalted butter, cold and cut into small pieces plus more at room temperature for serving
1    c. buttermilk
1    lg. egg, beaten
1    sm. green apple, peeled, cored, and grated
1/3 c. raisins
sugar crystals for sprinkling
clotted cream for serving

Preheat the oven to 350° F. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.

Combine the flour and sugar in a food processor. Add the cup of butter and pulse 8 to 10 times, or until the mixture resembles coarse crumbs. Transfer to a large bowl, then stir in the buttermilk and egg with a wooden spoon until a soft dough begins to form.

Transfer the dough to a lightly floured work surface and, with floured hands, knead in the apples and raisins. Divide the dough in half and form each half into a ball. Flatten each into a 1-inch thick disk. Place on the prepared baking sheet and, with a serrated knife that has been dipped into flour, score the dough into 6 wedges. Sprinkle the tops with sugar crystals. Alternatively, you can bake these in large (8) or mini (16) cast-iron scone pans.

Bake the scones for 25 to 30 minutes, or until the tops are golden and a skewer inserted into one of the wedges comes out clean. Remove from the oven and let cool for 10 minutes. Serve warm with butter or clotted cream, if desired. Makes 12 scones.

Cranberry Orange Scones

Scones
– 3 c. self-rising flour
– 1/2 c. sugar
– 1 stick unsalted butter
– 3/4 c. – 1 c.buttermilk
– 1/4 c. orange juice
– 1/2 c. chopped cranberries (use fresh, freeze until firm and then chop in food processor)
– Zest of 1 orange
Glaze:
– 1 c. powdered sugar
– 2-3 T. orange juice
Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Combine flour and sugar. Cut in butter until mixture is coarse and crumbly. Add cranberries and orange zest or peel. Add orange juice to 1/2 c. buttermilk. Stir this mixture into the flour mixture to make a soft dough. If mixture is too dry, add more buttermilk. Turn out on a floured board, form into a circle and cut into 8 pie shaped wedges.
Place scones close together on a cookie sheet sprayed with vegetable oil. Bake in preheated 400 degrees oven for 12-20 minutes or until nicely browned and done — depending on your oven. Brush with glaze while still hot. Enjoy!
Scones are best served warm. They can be stored in a sealed container and may be reheated in foil before serving.
Makes 10-16 scones depending on the size.

Chocolate Raspberry Scone Recipe:

2 cups (260 grams) all purpose flour

1/3 cup (65 grams) granulated white sugar

1 teaspoon baking powder

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1/4 teaspoon salt

6 tablespoons (75 grams) unsalted butter, cold and cut into pieces

2 ounces dark chocolate chunks or chips (about 1/2 cup) (50 grams)

3/4 cup fresh or frozen raspberries

1/2 cup (120 ml) whole milk plain yogurt

1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

1 large egg, lightly beaten

Raspberry Scone: Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (177 degrees C) and place rack in middle of oven. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.

In a large bowl, whisk together the flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Cut the butter into small pieces and blend into the flour mixture with a pastry blender or two knives. The mixture should look like coarse crumbs.  Stir in the chocolate chunks (chips) and raspberries. In a small measuring cup whisk together the yogurt, vanilla extract, and egg. Add this mixture to the flour mixture and stir just until the dough comes together. Do not over mix.

Transfer to a lightly floured surface and knead the dough gently four or five times and then pat, or roll, the dough into a circle that is about 7 inches (18 cm) round and about 11/2 inches (3.75 cm) thick. Cut the dough into eight triangles. Place the scones on the baking sheet.

Bake for about 18 to 20 minutes or until golden brown and a toothpick inserted in the middle comes out clean. Remove from oven and place on a wire rack.

Although not necessary, if you want the tops of the scones to be crispy, then turn your broiler on high. Sprinkle confectioners (powdered or icing) sugar over the tops of the scones and place them under the broiler. Broil for just a few seconds, turning the pan as necessary, until the sugar has melted and turns golden brown. Make sure to watch the scones carefully as the sugar will burn very quickly.   Transfer to a wire rack to cool.

Makes 8 scones.

Impish & Mrs. Dragon his wife were awakened at 3:00 a.m. on the night of St. Patrick’s Day by a loud pounding on the door.

Impish gets up and goes to the door where a drunken Lethal Leprechaun standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the Dragon, “it is 3:00 in the morning!”
He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife..
“Just a very drunk Leprechaun asking for a push,” Impish answers
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it’s 3am in the morning and it’s bloody pouring rain out there!”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says Mrs. Dragon. “Can’t you remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and Lethal and his buddy helped us?  I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! “God loves the drunken Wee Folk too you know.”

Impish does as he is told, ( wisely knowing he has no choice and will get no peace until he does) gets dressed, and goes out into the driving rain.

He calls out into the dark, “Hello, Lethal! Are you still there?”
“Aye that I am,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the Dragon.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where the hell are you?” asks Impish.
“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunken Leprechaun.

Thanks to Beamrider for this next bit o’ wisdom….

An Irishman’s Life Philosophy
“In life, there are only two things to worry about,
either you are well, or you are sick.
If you are well, there is nothing to worry about,
but if you are sick, you have two things to worry about;
either you will live, or you will die.
If you live, there is nothing to worry about,
if you die, you have two things to worry about;
either you will go to heaven or to hell.
If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about,
but if you go to hell, you’ll be so busy shaking hands with your friends,
you won’t have time to worry!”

“Tis true Beamrider ‘tis very true indeed. We Irish have a saying… ”If you’re lucky enough ta be born Irish, then you’re lucky enough!” Fortunately for the rest of you poor folk once a year we take piety on you non Irish people!

That’s a photo of an actual beam in the entrance to the Guinness Brewery

Now me own dear Molly has seen fit ta “grace” us with a groaner! Is there no end to these torturous things!

So this ghost floats into a restaurant. He asks the waiter for a glass of water. The waiter says he can’t serve him. The ghost leaves. He tries three other places, but gets the same response.

When he’s refused a fourth time, the ghost gets angry. He demands to know why he can’t get a glass of water anywhere in town. The waitress smiles apologetically and says, ‘This is a dry county, we can’t serve spirits.”

Well it seems I’ve lost me Leprechaun Libations Graphic for now so we’ll just have to wing it. If you ask me this next libation is the prefect mid afternoon accompaniment to those scones I’m sure you have baking by now

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp.
“What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.
“Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,” says Paddy.
“That little shit, O’Conner?” says Sean, “He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.”
“That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it too.”
“Well,” says Sean, “you should have defended yourself, didn’t you have something in your hand?”
“That I did,” said Paddy. “Mrs. O’Conner’s tit and a thing of beauty it was, but bloody useless in a fight.”

Snakes, Mimes, Lawyers, Dragons, what’s it matter they’re all bloody annoying away way!

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, “Ain’t no use knockin’, there’s no paper on this side either”.

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
“Come have a look over here,” says Paddy, “It’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.”
“That’s nothing”, says Sean, “here’s one named Patrick O’Tool. It says here that he was 95 when he died.”
Just then, Shamus yells out, “Good God, here’s a fella that got to be 145!”
“What was his name?” asks Paddy.
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.”

 

Airline apologizes for plane prayer scare

By Eric Marrapodi, CNN Belief Blog Co-Editor March 15th, 2011 02:01 PM ET

http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2011/03/15/airline-apologizes-for-plane-prayer-scare/?hpt=T2

“Alaska Airlines embraces the cultural and religious diversity of our passengers and employees. We apologize for the experience these three passengers went through after landing in Los Angeles as well as for any inconvenience to our other customers onboard,” Alaska Airlines spokeswoman Bobbie Egan said.

“Flight attendants observed unusual behavior from three male passengers that continued during the four-hour flight,” Egan said in a statement issued late Monday.

Egan said three specific instances that went beyond the men’s prayers appeared to be unusual behavior to the crew:

Flight attendants instructed everyone to stay seated with their seatbelts fastened as the aircraft flew through turbulence shortly after takeoff. The three passengers disregarded repeated requests, however, and stood up several times to retrieve objects from their luggage in the overhead bin that the crew had never seen, including small black boxes fastened with what appeared to be black tape. The crew learned after the plane landed that these were tefillin boxes worn during the prayer ritual.

The men prayed aloud together in a language unfamiliar to the crew while wearing what appeared to be black tape and wires strapped to their forearms and foreheads and wires on their chests. Their actions and behavior made some other travelers and the crew uneasy. The three passengers responded, but provided very little explanation, to a flight attendant’s questions about the tefillin boxes and what they were doing.

Later in the flight, two of the three passengers visited the lavatories together while the third waited in the aisle and continually looked around the cabin and toward the flight deck door. Flight attendants thought he appeared anxious, as if he were standing guard.

During weekday prayers, some Orthodox Jewish men wear teflillin, or phylacteries – black leather straps wrapped around the left arm and around the forehead. The straps are connected to small boxes with tiny scrolls containing Jewish scriptures. Many Orthodox Jewish men also wear a prayer shawl called a tallit under their clothes, with knotted fringes at each of the four corners.

Rabbi Motti Seligson, a spokesman for Chabad-Lubavitch, an Orthodox Jewish movement, explained the ritual further to CNN:

Tefillin are two leather black boxes with sacred parchment inside hand-crafted by a special scribe. The boxes are bound on the arm and head during prayer to spiritually align the mind and heart. I would encourage airlines to sensitize its employees to the salient effect of the tefillin ritual – and would be more than happy to put them in touch with local rabbis who can teach their personnel more about this tradition.

According to the Anti-Defamation League, this issue comes up occasionally. Last year after a similar incident, the ADL and Chabad sent a letter and a flier to all the major airlines explaining teflillin, said Deborah Lauter, ADL’s director of civil rights.

“We understand these prayer items may not be familiar. We gave them the suggestions that they do training about it. We had hoped they would include this in their training,” Lauter said.

She said she is sending a letter to Alaska Airlines again to remind them.

Lauter said there is an onus on both parties in such a situation.

“The safety of passengers is paramount, and in this age of heightened security people are on edge. I think it’s understandable why people would have this reaction. There has to be a give and take too with the passengers. If they weren’t cooperating, that’s a different problem than religious sensitivity,” she said.

“Education is a two way street. We hope airlines will include this training with their staffs,” Lauter said. “It also wouldn’t hurt for passengers who are going to be participating in this ritual to alert the staff ahead of time.”

WHAT UTTER BRAIN DEAD BULLSHIT!

With apology to my friends on here of the Jewish persuasion as well as any additional readers of the Hebrew faith, I have to speak out on this as I see this as a totally inane situation from the get go and both the reaction and response to it as asinine. This is a clear demonstration of what is wrong with this country and why the liberal touchy feely mindset is killing us and leaving us wide open and unprotected to our terrorist enemies.

Though none of the articles I have read on this say clearly, (I have read multiple. In addition to the above referenced also http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2011/03/14/prayers-spark-scare-on-airplane/, http://www.vosizneias.com/78659/2011/03/15/seattle-wa-airline-apologizes-for-plane-prayer-scare/, http://www.ktla.com/news/landing/ktla-suspicous-airlines-prayers,0,2384037.story , and lastly http://www.theblaze.com/stories/passengers-prayers-trigger-cockpit-lockdown-on-la-flight/ , where I HIGLY recommend reading some of the responses which I will in edited from be quoting here.) as near as I can determine the prayers in question are known as Shacharit or Shaharit from the Hebrew shachar or shahar  “morning light.” They can be said anytime from the crack of dawn up until noon and still fulfill and Orthodox Jew’s religious requirements! Can anyone then explain to me why it was necessary to make such a big show of them mid flight and why they felt so compelled to start that they figured their prayer needs meant they could disregard the orders of the flight crew and endanger their safety as well as those of the other passengers? Surely special dispensations must exist for extenuating circumstances. If not and they were so concerned with having the opportunity to pray is it not more reasonable to expect them to book their travel around their prayer requirements rather than expect the airline and the other passengers to accommodate them? What that axiom I was taught as a child? Oh yeah! “The good of the MANY must ought way the good of the FEW or the one.” Guess that one never got translated into Hebrew!

The airline has NO reason to be making any apology to ANYONE for following Safety and Security Protocols which are in place because of the unpleasant realities of modern air travel specifically for this reason and situation! If anybody needs to be making apologies it’s these 3 stooges for having their heads inserted so far up their over religiously zealous asses that they scared enough people tripped enough warning sign and refused to follow flight crew instructions as to cause an incident in the first damned place!

Lets take a HARD look at what the flight crew was confronted with: 3 men who from what I gather they had information were Mexican Nationals disobeying the flight crews orders almost immediately from take off. They take unfamiliar (dare I say unusual or uncommon?) boxes out of their luggage while disobeying the flight crew to obtain them and then strap them to their body concealed under their clothes. They then began speaking and chanting in a language that was not Spanish or English (presumably the only two languages an air crew on a Mexico City to Los Angles run would be expected to be fluent in) that might or might not be Arabic to the untrained ear. Now add in their refusal to explain what they are doing (ok GRANTED the rules of their religion prohibit stopping the prayers or speaking other than the prayers during them but how are the air crew expected to reasonably know that?) On top of this lets add the en masse trip to the rest room while the other one appears to be standing watch the entire time.

Now lets consider this being for a minute say El Al (national airline of Israel) who has similar rules to ours for similar situation and lets say they 3 in question were American and doing the same thing but speaking for example Gaelic ( a language we can assume reasonably would be unknown in Israel). Exactly how far do you think the situation would have been allowed to progress until they were forcibly taken into custody aboard the flight by IDF personal that are on every flight? Further do you think for ONE SECOND that the MINUTE the passengers ignored the flight crew to retrieve items from their luggage and secrete them on their bodies that an El Al flight crew would not declare an emergency and either do an immediate 180 or divert to the nearest alternate landing site?

The Air Alaska crew continued an approximately 2900 mile flight and landed at its destination and then asked that the strange behavior and the repeated refusals to obey the flight crew be investigated. Let’s also keep in mind that had an Air Marshal been aboard the flight their repeated refusals to obey the air crew was in and of itself more than enough justification to arrest them and press charges! Anyone see an over reaction here on the part of Air Alaska? Anyone at all? Speak up! No? I shouldn’t think so!

The Anti-Defamation League (which IMHO is nothing more than a religious version of the ACLU and like the ACLU never misses a chance for a sound byte or headline) should never have stuck their noses into this much less made a comment on it. There was no defamation, no religious persecution or oppression. This ENTIRE affair should have been a nonstarter ESPECIALLY in light of the fact that the three were not charged with anything INCLUDING failure to obey the flight crew which IS an offense!  The Anti-Defamation League’s call for what amounts to religious “sensitivity training” and special consideration of Orthodox Jews is not only unwarranted but wholly uncalled for to the point of being out of line! They need to wake up and realize being Jewish, even Orthodox Jewish is not a get out of jail for not acting socially responsible card! How can I say this? Several reasons.

1.) Exactly how many Mexican National Orthodox Jews are there that one can reasonably expect that flight crews operating in and out of Mexican airports should be expected to recognize them on sight and correctly interpret their actions and behavior?

1b.) Just how many languages should we expect these flight crews to be fluent in or be able to identify/distinguish?

2.) If Airlines are going to be expected to go thru religious training extensive enough that they can recognize Orthodox Jewish prayer rituals do we end the religious training there? What about Taoism, Confucianism, Buddhism? Some Catholic monastic orders observe the offices of the day and night with Gregorian Chanted Hymns and Antiphons. Do we require them to have religious sensitivity training for these religions as well or are we just treating Jews and Muslims special? (CERTAINLY we’re NOT guilty of discriminating in their favor or reverse profiling!)

3.) Since when does being of a certain faith confer the expectation or right that you can disregard federal flight laws much less with impunity? If being famous or a member of our own government does not bestow these rights on an air traveler where to these there get off believing being overly devout foreign Orthodox Jews on a US air carrier does?

4.) Quoting from the readers comments in: http://www.theblaze.com/stories/passengers-prayers-trigger-cockpit-lockdown-on-la-flight/

a.) Why would any sane person go through these kinds of rituals on an airplane? Forget “security” and the Gestapo-esque thing we’ve turned air travel into a moment and think simply of consideration for your fellow man, would you really go through a huge ritual on an airplane like that? WTF?

b.) (amplifying on the absurdity of “a” above for just a moment)

The people praying on that plane were doing it as a public display, for whatever reason they felt it necessary.
Jesus told us in his Sermon on the Mount;

Matthew 6:5 “Also, when YOU pray, YOU must not be as the hypocrites; because they like to pray standing in the synagogues and on the corners of the broad ways to be visible to men. Truly I say to YOU, They are having their reward in full. 6 You, however, when you pray, go into your private room and, after shutting your door, pray to your Father who is in secret; then your Father who looks on in secret will repay you. 7 But when praying, do not say the same things over and over again, just as the people of the nations do, for they imagine they will get a hearing for their use of many words. 8 So, do not make yourselves like them, for God YOUR Father knows what things YOU are needing before ever YOU ask him.

So I’m forced to ask just how devout and sincere these strict Orthodox Jews actually were that they should make this scene in public calling attention to themselves and creating a disturbance, to say nothing of a security incident?

c.) @SELAROMYAR and others thinking the same. I went to a university with a large Jewish population, had a Jewish roommate, lived and worked in Miami Beach, FL and NEVER saw or heard of this prayer ritual. Until, it occurred on a flight last year. It is NOT the flight crew’s responsibility to know every religious ritual. It IS their job to safely conduct a flight from point A to point B, while insuring the safety, and security of their passengers. And, should anything appear to, or actually jeopardize those priorities, the crew should and must take appropriate precautions and actions. WAKE UP America, those who want to do us harm are patient and vigilant. And, will use any means possible to “PING” the system. Perhaps the traveling public should be aware of what makes flight crews and fellow travelers suspicious and uncomfortable, and brief the crew of their intentions (since as I am sure you know, while performing this prayer ritual they are not supposed to speak to others). Better yet, I am sure God would hear and answer their prayers if they were said on the ground, before or after the flight. Let’s all be a part of the solution, and not part of the problem.

And that last comment in my opinion is the best argument of all! We cannot afford to be tolerant understand lenient or lax because the terrorist are always probing and looking for angles, loopholes and weakness to exploit without us creating additional ones to help them!

Flying is a privilege not a right! If you are going to abuse bend fracture or twist the privilege to suit you because in your pinheaded narrow minded but wide open mouthed chip on your shoulder liberal opinion you’re “special” and above the rules then by god you should expect those rule to snap right back and knock you flat on your ass. Then the Air Marshals, Tasers  at the ready and guns drawn should come t publicly humiliate you by cuffing you to drag your ass off for a forced education in modern social etiquette and travel safety and by GOD I hope it hurts BAD when they do it too!

Those three praying trouble makers are the ones who owe the Air Alaska and every person on the plane, as well as the entire Flight crew and everyone on the Emergency Response Team an apology! Then they should be hauled off in front of a Federal Judge to justify their actions and explain why they should not be charged with creating a disturbance on an Air flight and placed on the Prohibited From Flying For Showing Epic Stupidity No-Fly List.

Particularly Lord every terrorist bastard with evil in his eye and the murder of innocents in his heart! In fact Lord, I’d be much beholding ta ya if you could see your way clear to turning their neck as well…. just until they snap that is!

Be sure to watch for our special St. Patrick’s Day Edition Tomorrow!

Good morn’ ta ya all

The best day of the year is right around the corner. What day is that you ask? Why Saint Patrick’s Day you heathen non –Irish wretches! I mean REALLY come on! It’s NOT like they celebrate a Dragon’s day annually! Look for a fun and fact filled special issue on Thursday!

Mean Time Let’s Guffaw!

 

Damn! And all mine does is wake you to fill the food dish and goes

klepto for anything shiny jingly or crinkly objects!

 

excerpted from newsletters of & with thanks to http://www.komando.com/

Protect your laptop from thieves

LAlarm is like a car alarm for your laptop. It’s pretty easy to use. When you get up for that coffee, lock your computer. Just press Windows Key + L. If your power adapter is unplugged, an alarm sounds at full volume. It can’t be turned off without logging back in.

Now, not everyone plugs in their laptop everywhere they go. You can also use a thumb drive as the trigger. If it’s removed while the laptop is locked, the alarm sounds. Of course, a thief could take the laptop and thumb drive. You’ll have to attach the drive to something else. Go here for instructions. 

Cost: Free

Link: http://www.lalarm.com

System: Windows XP, Vista and 7

===========

Prey – This free program tracks your laptop should anyone try and steal it. As soon as the thief turns on the laptop, Prey will try to broadcast its location. The location data is sent to Prey’s computers. You must log in to see the location information. No one else can see where your laptop is located. Once you have the information, you can contact the police.

Cost: Free

Link: http://preyproject.com/

System: Windows XP, Vista and 7

===========

An Apple MacBook is a sleek and stylish laptop. It’s hard not to look cool carrying one around. That cool factor also makes them attractive to thieves.

A simple solution is to keep an eye on your MacBook. But you can’t do that every minute of every day. A cable lock will help you lock down your laptop. But those are a pain to use at hotspots like cafes and airports. So, is there another way to scare off criminals?

That’s where iAlertU comes in handy. It’s like a car alarm for your laptop. It works with your Apple remote. Just hold the Menu button until you hear a single beep. Your Mac will display the message Protected by iAlertU. To deactivate it, hold the Menu button until you hear two beeps.

While activated, the alarm can be set off several ways. If anyone touches the keyboard or trackpad, the alarm will sound. If anyone closes the screen, the alarm will sound. iAlertU also uses the MacBook’s built-in Sudden Motion Sensor. If someone moves the laptop, you’ll know about it.

The alarm is very loud. In fact, it forces your speakers to their loudest volume. It can’t be muted or turned off. You can set the length of the alarm. It will stay on between 10 seconds and two minutes. The screen will also flash while the alarm sounds.

Now, the loud alarm should scare away most thieves. But a determined thief may just run down the street, alarm blaring. But iAlertU can help catch that thief, too. It can work with your built-in iSight camera. When the alarm sounds, it will snap a photo of the criminal.

But a photo on your stolen computer won’t do much good. So, iAlertU will e-mail that photo to any address you’d like. You may end up with a great mug shot to show police.

Cost: Free

Link: sourceforge.net

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years. Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won’t beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don’t want to start a brain drain, I’m willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It’s a deal! Thank you, sir!
Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

St. Patrick’s Day is right around the corner, so I thought I’d post an easy recipe for Bailey’s Irish Cream Fudge. This recipe is adapted from Fantasy-Ireland.com and brought to me by me darlin’ wife Molly where she found it on: http://dyingforchocolate.blogspot.com/2011/03/baileys-irish-cream-fudge.html.

Bailey’s comes in different ‘flavors’, and your fudge can change, too, if you use their Mint Bailey’s Irish Cream or the Coffee Irish Cream or Creme Caramel Irish Cream. Try them all.

BAILEY’S IRISH CREAM FUDGE

Ingredients:
2-12 oz milk chocolate (35-45% cacao), chopped, or 2-12 oz packages of milk chocolate chips
12 oz. dark chocolate (65-85% cacao), chopped or a 12 oz. package semisweet chocolate chips
2-7oz. jars of marshmallow creme
2 teaspoons of Madagascar vanilla extract
2/3 cups of Bailey’s Irish Cream
2 cups of chopped nuts (optional)
4 1/2 cups of granulated sugar
1-12oz. can of evaporated milk
1/2 pound of unsalted butter, softened

Directions:
1. In a very large bowl, combine the milk chocolate chips, semisweet chocolate chips, marshmallow cream, vanilla extract, Irish Cream, and nuts (if you are adding them). Set this mixture aside.
2. Line a 10 X 15 baking pan with foil and spread lightly with butter.
3. In a medium saucepan, combine granulated sugar, evaporated milk, and butter. Bring to a gentle boil over medium heat and cook slowly, stirring constantly for about 10 minutes.
4. Pour the milk mixture into the the chocolate chip mixture. Stir slowly by hand to combine. It is very important to do this by hand and NOT use any kind of mixer.
5. Pour the fudge into the prepared pan and chill until set.

 

SETTLING IT THE OLD FASHIONED WAY:

Dale G. Robertson, 25, was driving   through Sunnyside, Wash., when he spotted a familiar pickup backing out of a driveway. According to police spokeswoman Charlotte Hinderlider, the two drivers had been having a long-running dispute. Police said Robertson decided to settle the dispute by ramming the unnamed 27-year- old victim’s truck. Robertson then allegedly got out with a weapon — a sword, of all things — and started swinging at the man. Thinking fast, the victim grabbed a machete that just happened to be lying in his yard and defended himself. The victim’s mother, who was still in the car, called 911, and Robertson fled in his vehicle shortly after. Police caught him and held him on assault charges. (MS/Yakima Herald, Bellingham Herald)

The victim’s mother only heard the assailant say one thing: “Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

taken from http://www.thisistrue.com/

Type in only the year of your birth.

Click your mouse here:  Year of your birth

Thanks to Betty for that one. Its really quite well done.

The Idiot’s Guide to Internet Success!

Let’s begin (Please take note of the sarcasm in these):

Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?
A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month.

Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?
A: No. This is the Internet.

Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?
A: Yes. This is the Internet.

Q: How do I proceed?
A: As you’re surfing around the net you’ll see banners and links that say things like “Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!” Simply click the link to get started.

Q: It won’t really take ninety days though, will it?
A: Of course not. They just say that so you’ll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn’t sound like hype.

Q: Okay, I’ve found one that says “Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!” Is that good?
A: Perfect.

Q: What does MLM mean?
A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains.

Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it’s the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since it’s MLM, by the time my third level is operating I’ll be making $345,915.45 per week.
A: Conservatively.

Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?
A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ… uh, clients. You can switch your mother’s long distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her support group.

Q: That sounds a little fishy.
A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people substantial savings on long distance. It’s for their own good.

Q: How else can I get new business?
A: Spam. Spam. Spam.

Q: I thought spam was bad.
A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it’s bad is just jealous because their brains are too small.

Q: But won’t I lose my web host and ISP?
A: In the get-rich-quick business, it’s important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers.

Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?
A: Here’s a list of suggestions:

–Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners.

–Join every free banner exchange.

–Get your own free-for-all links page.

–Join every opt-in email list with the word Money, Rich or Lackwit in the title.

–Buy software that submits your site URL to the 15,000 most important search engines. –Buy software that submits your ad to the 50,000 most-read free classified sites.

–Hire a bulk emailer.

–Sponsor a golf tournament.

Q: Okay, I’ve done all that and I’m still not rich. I haven’t even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong?
A: It’s possible that you’re not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I don’t have any friends who have retired on their Internet earnings?
A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I’ve never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings?
A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.

Must be Stevie Wonder’s also blind sister. Let’s not tell her the truth either.

 

Not since the Piggly Wiggly started charging me for paper bags anyway! (Brown paper shopping bag + Playmate picture taped to it (with duct tape of course) + 12 pack of Bud Lite = Redneck version of Plastic Surgery on a budget but requires daily maintenance.)

You might be in the minority on that one darlin’!

In the Don’t Mess with Texans/Local Boy Defeats Muslims category comes this News piece about the revenge a guy near me the Muslims tried to steam roll and just pissed off.

The way I see it this is further evidence its high time we stopped playing Mr. Nice Considerate and Tolerant Guy with Muslims and started playing “Cowboys & Towelheads”, especially here in the USA.

 

Good Monday Morning Campers!  I hope everyone is doing well and had a great weekend.  Did everyone remember to set their clocks forward by one hour?  For those of us who do that sort of thing.  Growing up on the east coast where we had Day Light Savings Time, we got used to having it, but you never really thought about it.  Joined the Air Force, moved all over the world, some places had it, others didn’t.  Still didn’t really think about it.  Moved to Indiana where, at first they didn’t have it.  Well, most of them didn’t have it, some counties did and some counties didn’t and some counties were on eastern time and some were on central and they thought about it all the time, and after a long battle, the state adopted DST and now there is STILL a huge debate and they talked about it all the time……..

it was much easier as a child…..

now, as an adult, I have children asking me …. “Why do we have daylight saving time?”  “Why do we change the clock?”

and you know, they don’t take it very well when you, as an adult representative, the one they look up to for answers, the god of their short existence, they look to you and ask the questions and your response is intoned, with deep regard for the truth, “How the heck should I know?”

It doesn’t go over very well….

and you lose credibility.

So, instead…………….  Let’s Laugh!

We might as well get it out of the way as soon as we can.  All I can say is, “Zack, you ought to be ashamed!”

Q: Where can you find giant snails?
A: At the end of giant’s fingers.

Because I’m a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.
Calling AAA is not an option.
I will win.
__________________________________________________________

Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at.
If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.”
We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
___________________________________________________________

Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan.
You’re a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
_________________________________________________________________

Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “cumin” or “tofu.”
For all I know, these are the same thing.
_________________________________________________________________

Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
______________________________________________________________

Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator instead (applies to engineers only)
______________________________________________________________

Because I’m a man, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so just don’t ask.
______________________________________________________________

Because I’m a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t… and if you are feeling amorous afterwards . . then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
______________________________________________________________

Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. It does not make your ass look too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?______________________________________________________________

Because I’m a man, and this is, after all, the year 2011, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I’ll do the rest. Like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.
______________________________________________________________

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.
You’re welcome.

This is one of my favorite computer wallpapers

Tommy is attending a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, rump and chest. After a few minutes of watching, Tommy asked his father: “Dad, why are you doing that?” His father replied: “Because when I’m buying horses I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy them.” Tommy gets a worried look on his face and says to his dad: “Dad, I think the Fedex guy wants to buy mom.”

I was eating lunch today with my 12 year old grandson when his mom asked him
“What is tomorrow?”  He said “It’s President’s Day”
She asked “What does that mean?” …. I was waiting for something profound…
He said, “President’s Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow,
we have 2 more years of unemployment.”
I almost snorted my iced tea.

 

A couple of REALLY cool weather videos

The Weather Channel Video

http://www.weather.com/outlook/videos/iwitness-snow-explodes-off-semi-19594?from=video_email

Oh, it surely did, Owl.  It surely did.

Awwww!

It only takes a minute of your time….click it every day!

We are in trouble…

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal
government.

Leaving 20 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 17.2
million to do the work.

Take from that total the 15.8
million people who work for state and city Governments. And that
leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are, Sitting on your ass, At your computer, reading jokes..

Nice.   Real nice.

 

 

What a great piece this is…

One bitterly cold winter’s day a police patrolman came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.  “What seems to be the problem?” asked the policeman.

“Carburetor’s frozen.” was the terse reply.

“Pee on it.  That’ll thaw it out.”

“I can’t.”

“Sure you can.  Watch, I’ll show you.”

The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised.  The bike started and the rider drove off waving.  A few days later, the chief constable received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.

It began: “On behalf of my daughter, who was recently stranded……….” 

 

This little guy is GREAT!  All enthusiasm!  You can’t help but get some of it by watching him!  I hope you enjoy and thanks to Mike (and now, several others) for sharing this one:

http://www2.choralnet.org/268945.html 

Today’s last word in in the form of a
And something I’m sure you can all get on board with…. Let’s tune in and see how Impish is doing, shall we?  Make sure you keep your head covered, stay low, and use available cover and protection.  Everybody have their flame-retardant undies on?  Good, let’s go!

Oh, this REALLY pissed me off:
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/da/806.html
Please, take the time to watch the video and then read on: (Special Thanks to Mike Richard for bringing this to our attention)

This should put the government of California and every other state who has similar problems (which I’m quite sure is ALL of them) to SHAME!!!!!
How can you allow this to go on!  HOW CAN YOU ALLOW THIS TO GO ON!  I’m busting my ass day after day, going to work in pain, every single day, to pay taxes so that people who are at best, malingering and too damn lazy to get a job and at worst, stealing and defrauding those of us who DO work for a living. 

And again, let me state, right up front, that I’m NOT talking about those people who have paid their dues, who really CAN’T work and need the assistance that this money is actually designed for.  That being said….

This is another example of where our “Urinalysis for State Support” should have some affect.  But, come on!  Why are we paying for them to go on a vacation we can’t even afford to take ourselves????  My tax dollars are paying for a cruise that I’ll never get to go on?  WTF! 

State support is for those who can’t get by to help them get by.  Get by is not gambling in Las Vegas.  Getting by is being able to buy food AND medicine out of the same pay check! And how many of us have had to make THAT crappy decision?  “Beans and rice and macaroni and cheese AND blood pressure, diabetes, (whatever) medicine OR let’s splurge this payday and get some ground beef, but we’re gonna have to cut back on your blood pressure meds….just don’t get excited about anything for two weeks, okay?”

And our elected officials are allowing this to go on, with no more worry than if they are getting THEIR cut…. shame on you.  And shame on US for letting it go on.