Lord I hope so, it’s blame it on this or the Super Moon & the Spring Equinox and this happens more often than either of those or St. Patrick’s Day!

Top o’ the Morn’ Campers! Every one have their coffee, bagel and their seat? Good. A few minor things I want to cover this morning before we start laughing until coffee come out our noses.

First thanks for the coffee and bagels to the Dragon who has agreed to share his with us every morning form now on! What a guy huh? Who knew he could swipe so much coffee and breakfast munchies from the base mess!

I’d like to take this next moment to thank ALL those who send us material for possible inclusion. Some of you do it regularly (a couple multiple times a day even) some of you only occasionally. Some of the material makes it some does not but all of it is appreciated. I know we give credit regularly to a few contributors whose material we use on a regular basis but we appreciate it all.  You may even see your material used sans credit. That isn’t a snub more than likely we’ve gotten it from multiple sources and if we spent the time thanking them all you’d have an issue of nothing but thank yous.

Also if you are sending us stuff and you are not seeing it used please don’t be upset. We regularly receive so much material from you good readers that it’s often a case of so much material so little blog space. Not that we are bound by any particular size limits but in fact more by time limits. The larger the post the longer it takes to assemble and edit, the longer it takes to read and from my experience the less enjoyable it is. We try to keep things to a reasonable length and follow the old show biz axiom ‘Always leave them wanting more’.

While we’re n the subject of submissions I’d like to make a request on behalf of Impish and myself. Well 2 actually. The first is please label you submissions with a subject line we can refer back to later. We get a LOT of submissions with blank subject lines. First of all, a lot of Spam comes appearing like that  and that trips Spam filters into committing thing to Spam and trash folders, occasional errantly and especially if you are not a regular  contributor. It also makes it harder for us to locate material for inclusion at a later time. Even the first line of the joke or title of the video would be a great help. The word submission alone, not so much. Secondly those of you that submit commentaries or articles that could potentially be urban legends can help us out greatly by doing a little fact checking before submitting and citing the link you checked.

Usually this simply requires running a search at http://www.snopes.com or even just Googling a ‘news story’ or editorial and seeing if you can find the newspaper, wire service or original source it came from. I can’t say how much time the Dragon spends but I spend up to 4 hours a week checking the truth of things we receive before considering them for publication. A little help from you submitters with this would help make things easier for us plus cut down (in theory) the amount of unfounded mistruths, propaganda and straight up B.S. running around the internet making it a better place for all of us!

A 13-year-old Ohio student has started a company called Man Cans, which makes candles in manly scents such as pizza, campfire and bacon.
                

The Top 5 Scents of Man Candles

5> Already Mown Grass
4> Vegas Stripjoint
3> Napalm in the Morning
2> Belching Contest
    and The Number 1 Scent of Man Candle…
1> Pizza Meadow
          [ Copyright 2011 by Chris White/TopFive.com ]

Top 10 Rejected Obama Mission Names

Apparently the White House tossed out a number of perfectly good names before arriving at “Operation Odyssey Dawn”:

10.Operation Nine Months In The Senate Didn’t Prepare Me For This
9. Operation Organizing for Libya
8. Operation Double Standard
7. Operation FINE! I’ll Do Something
6. Operation Enduring Narcissism
5. Operation So That’s What the Red Button Does
4. Operation France Backed Me Into A Corner
3. Operation Start Without Me
2. Operation Unlike Bush Wars This One Is Justified Because Hey Look A Squirrel
1. Operation Aimless Fury

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph ‘s Hospital. She timidly asked, 
“Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is
doing?”
The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the
patient?”
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,  “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The operator replied,  “Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.” After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
“I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her lood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”
The grandmother said, Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”
The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”
The grandmother said,”No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me
shit.”

Man upset at burrito inflation starts standoff at motel

Chronicle News Services  March 21, 2011, 9:10AM

SAN ANTONIO — A man who barricaded himself in a South Texas hotel in an apparent drive-thru fast-food dispute is expected to face three counts of attempted capital murder.

San Antonio police say nobody was hurt in the standoff that ended Sunday night.

Police say the customer, who allegedly was unhappy that the price of what he was ordering at Taco Bell had gone up, is accused of shooting an air gun at the restaurant manager, displaying a semiautomatic assault rifle and pistol, then exchanging gunfire with three officers.

The Express-News said the man was ordering seven Beefy Crunch Burritos and was surprised to learn that the price had gone from 99 cents to $1.49.

Sgt. Chris Benavides says tear gas had to be used to get the man out of the room. The weapons were recovered.

The suspect’s name was not immediately released.

DUDE! OK I agree, the price of fast food for what you get is a crying shame and out of control. I mean six or seven bucks for a decent burger sans meat fillers value meal should be a felony crime, but to throw down over of all things Taco Bell? Not even Taco Cabana?

As me good wife Molly ( a born and bred Texas girl who proudly admits to both a Mexican food addiction and being somewhat snobbish about eating non authentic Mexican Food) would be lighting quick to point out, that’s not even real Mexican food!

To top it all off now you’re on the run for the borders for real besides! 

Here in Texas we have an Onion called the Texas 1015. Basically its our answer to the Georgia Vidalia onion. They are just starting to hit the stores now and that made me remember this recipe I make every year when I can get either onion.

I make fast work of the dicing issue and well as assure consistent uniformity of dice size by using a Chef’s Mandoline style slicer I have because I usually make a double batch. I like this on grilled brauts too

Apple and sweet onion marmalade

Serve over roasted chicken or pork.

SERVES 8

Ingredients
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 teaspoon mustard seed
2 large Vidalia onions, diced
1/2 cup apple juice (I use unsweetened apple cider)
1/2 cup chicken stock, vegetable stock or broth
2 Granny Smith apples, peeled, cored and cut into 1/2-inch dice
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1/8 teaspoon ground allspice
2 tablespoons chopped fresh flat-leaf (Italian) parsley

Directions
In a sauté pan, heat the olive oil over medium heat. Add the mustard seed and onions and cook, stirring occasionally, until the onions are lightly golden, about 10 minutes.

Add the apple juice and stock and bring to a boil over high heat. Add the apples, salt, pepper and allspice. Reduce the heat to low and simmer, uncovered, until the apples are tender, about 12 minutes.

Remove from the heat and stir in the parsley. Serve warm or at room temperature, or transfer to a container with a tight-fitting lid and refrigerate for up to 1 week. Bring the marmalade to room temperature before serving. Makes about 2 cups.

Cow, Ant, And Old Fart

A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest  of the three of them.
The Cow:  I give four gallons of milk every day and that’s why I am the greatest!!

  The Ant:  I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry  52 times my own weight and that’s why I am the greatest!!

Why are you scrolling down?  It’s your turn to say something…

JANE FONDA MEMORIAL WALL—VERY HEARTWARMING.

After more than 40 years the Viet Nam Veterans of the United States of America raised a phenomenal amount of money to memorialize another one of Hollywood’s loyal American citizens who went out of her way to aid and abet the enemy and congratulate them on their treatment of US POW’s.

This memorial says it all!

Can I get an “Oh HELLS yeah!” from my fellow military brethren in the readership? Personally I think they chose too nice a spot for the memorial, I’d have sited it next to or better yet in a sewage treatment plant!

Good Morning Campers!  I hope everyone is doing well this morning.  Okay, before we get started, I want to file a quick complaint…. whoever is in charge of the damn weather around here, enough is enough already!  Been nice…really nice around here the last couple of days. Between 55 and 65 every day.  Thursday’s outlook?  A high in the low 30’s and RAIN!  Come on!  I want my global warming and I want it NOW!

Well, enough frivolity for one day, let’s just jump right into the laughter, shall we? 

A wise man once sat in the audience and cracked a joke.

HAZY THINKING: When police in Farmington, Conn., asked a caller if he had
  an emergency, he replied “Well, I have a legal question.” He was
  reminded that he was calling on an emergency line, so he said his
  matter was a “Crime in progress, possibly.” OK, what’s the issue? “I
  was just growing some marijuana and I was just wondering what — how
  much trouble you can get in for one plant?” When told that possession
  of marijuana is a crime, he thanked the dispatcher and hung up. Of
  course, since he was calling on 911, his address showed on the console,
  so a car was dispatched. Officers found drugs, and Robert J. Michelson,
  21, was charged with illegal cultivation, drug possession, and
  possession of drug paraphernalia. At the police station, he raised both
  of his middle fingers to the dispatcher. (RC/WTNH-TV) …To signal his
  I.Q.

If they were the smart ones, they wouldn’t be criminals

NO REALLY — IT WAS AN EMERGENCY! “Arrest Report: Man Called 911
  Requesting a Hooker” — Lexington (N.C.) Dispatch headline

When purchasing a bicycle…..

no matter how cute you are…..

be SURE to consider the color of the seat!

http://wimp.com/johnnymac/

Run Zack!  Run!
I’ll try and hold them off!

Paul was not the brightest lamp in the chandelier. Every day, when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money.

Finally, Paul decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route, but also take some self-defense classes so this wouldn’t happen again.

He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well with it. So one day, on the way home from work, Paul confidently decided to take his old route home and, sure enough, there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued.

The next afternoon, Paul went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip. His instructor was shocked and asked for an explanation. “Well,” explained Paul, “I took my old way home last night so I could beat up those guys who used to steal my money.”

His instructor said, “What happened?”

Paul replied, “They jumped me before I could get my  shoes and socks off!”

Conversation between Lethal and Molly over a chessboard: “This reminds me when we were dating.”

“We never played chess in those days, Molly.”

“No, but even then it took you two hours to make a move.”

Boeing unveiled its hydrogen-powered Phantom Eye unmanned airborne system during a ceremony in St. Louis . The demonstrator, which will stay aloft at 65,000 feet for up to four days, is powered by two 2-liter, four-cylinder engines that provide 150 horsepower each. It has a 150-foot wingspan, will cruise at approximately 150 knots and can carry up to a 450-pound payload.

Eventually, they’re going to build one that only has to come down for an engine overhaul. 

   http://www.boeing.com/Features/2010/07/bds_feat_phantom_eye_07_12_10.html

You can imagine what Boeing is doing currently if they are willing to show the World this project !

An elephant asked a camel, “Why are your breasts on your back?”

‘Well,’ said the camel, ‘I think that’s an entirely inappropriate question from somebody whose dick is on his face.’

The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

• Justin Bieber is Canadian, and so is Celine Dion and William Shatner. It makes me wonder: Are we guarding the wrong border?
• The whole world has Bieber Fever. It’s what happens whenever a pop frenzy becomes a disease. There was also Beatlemania, the Miley Cyrus Virus, and the Hasselhoff Cough.

 At the end of the broadcast, you can hear the news lady say, that the Islam board or somebody said that she COULD remove it at the behest of law enforcement, so she was full of shit all the way around.

Morning St Patrick’s Day Pub Crawl Survivors!

The Doctors have discharged me from the “green beer recovery ward” and all is well again. Leaving the IV in and refilling it with coffee was my idea not theirs.

My thanks to Impish for his help in coordinating my retrieval as well as that of Clarence and No-name.

I see we’ve finally all managed to get rescued or find our own way back home safely.  I even see that the majority of you have managed to get the green Sharpie off your forearms and/or foreheads as well. For those of you still having a spot of trouble, try a little WD-40  on a paper towel held over the writing for about 10 minutes followed by a good scrub with Dawn Dishwashing Liquid.

A little actual serious business before we commence laughing hopefully until our sides hurt. Impish and I recently had a head shed over how to best continue to bring you as much Dragon and Leprechaun Laffs as possible balanced against our hectic and sometimes impossible schedules and life demands. We have decided to commence a split load schedule starting today. If this works out you’ll be seeing LeprechaunLaffs  on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. On Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday you;ll be seeing DragonLaffs. On Sundays we’ll be seeing our pillows, families, our Honey-Do lists and hopefully getting a jump ahead on the following weeks issues.

Now Let’s Laugh Until It Hurts!

As for Impish’s denial of being a fan of teleltubby pornography, the handy (abet unpleasant) thing about making a fairie circle phone call to his head was that I then knew where he was hiding it. So with out further preamble and as our first laugh here is Impish’s teletubby porn movie.

Hey I’m not suffering alone here! That was on a nonstop loop playing in the middens pit  that passes for Impish’s brain the entire time I was talking to him!  Just you trying seeing that with an epic hangover the size of a third world country!

How the world works lately…

If a man cuts his finger off while Slicing salami at work, He blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day For 40 years and die of lung cancer, Your family blames the Tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes Into a tree while driving home drunk, He blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, You blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, You blame the gun manufacturer..

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, And the passengers kill him instead, The mother of the crazed deceased Blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.

So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED ASS is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to blame Bill Gates (and ImpishDragon) .

OH YEAH! Like THAT thought running around in his head for an entire 18 holes is going to help his game!

True Tales of the Impish Dragon # 9

Impish’s Baby Picture

I should have posted that one under the fantasy pix header because I doubt Impish was ever THAT small or THAT cute in real life!

Impish was complaining he spent $50 on E-bay for a penis enlarger and apparently got taken…………..

“Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.!!.” he bitched.

(Guess he DID get taken, he needs at least a jeweler’s loupe to enlarge that thing!)

==========

Impish came running (waddling?) up to me excitedly grabbed my arm and said, “I figured out why I’m fat! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says “For extra volume and body”.

“Ok” said I fearful of what twisted kernel of dragon logic might be coming next “and….”

“I’m gonna start using Dawn dish soap.” he responded, “It says ‘Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove’.

=========

Mrs. Dragon gets off the phone and announces “My cousin Cedric has passed on.”

The littlest dragon asks “Mom? You have a cousin named Cedric?”

Impish Dragon (a.k.a. Captain Insensitive) replies “Not anymore she doesn’t!”

(I understand Mrs. Dragon got a very good 2 for 1 deal on the burial and saved money by sticking Impish in with poor cousin Cedric…of course Impish was still alive at the time.)

===========
Impish and his wife are watching TV when an evangelist comes  on and promises to heal the sick.

The evangelist says, “Pray with me, placing your right hand in the air and your left hand on the afflicted area.”

So Impish (ever the joker) places his right hand in the air and his left hand on his crotch.

Mrs. Dragon says, “Honey, he said heal the sick, not raise the dead.”

==========

Impish Dragon and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon “quickie.”

“Don’t worry,” he purrs. “My wife is out of town on a business trip, there’s no risk.” As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, “We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!”

“No problem,” Impish replies. “I’ll get my wife’s diaphragm.” After a few minutes of searching, the Dragon  returns to the bedroom in a fury. “That witch!” he exclaims. “She took it with her! I always knew she didn’t trust me!”

============

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. Impish came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, ‘What is a seven-hundred- ten?’
He replied, ‘You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine; I have lost it and need a new one.’
He replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave him a piece of paper and a pen and asked Impish to draw what the piece looked like.
Impish drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took him over to a car just like his which had its hood up and asked ‘Is there a 710 on this car?’
Impish pointed and said, ‘Of course, it’s right there.’
If you’re not sure what a 710 is …..

I TOLD you True Tales would be back with a vengeance for all those bad Irish jokes!

My latest ranting in Leprechaun Laffs #34, regarding Alaska Airlines, struck a chord with a few of you. Several of you were moved to post comments here as well as e-mail Impish and myself privately. A couple of you wondered what happened to Common Sense or lamented the lack of it now a days. Sadly I must inform you all, Common Sense passed on 13 years ago.

There was not much fan fare at the time, but it’s passing was noted March 15, 1998 by one columnist who’s Obituary for the much missed quality in people is reprinted below:

The Death of Common Sense

By Lori Borgman

Three yards of black fabric enshroud my computer terminal. I am mourning the passing of an old friend by the name of Common Sense.

His obituary reads as follows:

Common Sense, aka C.S., lived a long life, but died from heart failure at the brink of the millennium. No one really knows how old he was, his birth records were long ago entangled in miles and miles of bureaucratic red tape.
Known affectionately to close friends as Horse Sense and Sound Thinking, he selflessly devoted himself to a life of service in homes, schools, hospitals and offices, helping folks get jobs done without a lot of fanfare, whooping and hollering. Rules and regulations and petty, frivolous lawsuits held no power over C.S.

A most reliable sage, he was credited with cultivating the ability to know when to come in out of the rain, the discovery that the early bird gets the worm and how to take the bitter with the sweet. C.S. also developed sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adult is in charge, not the kid) and prudent dietary plans (offset eggs and bacon with a little fiber and orange juice).

A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, the Technological Revolution and the Smoking Crusades, C.S. survived sundry cultural and educational trends including disco, the men’s movement, body piercing, whole language and new math.

C.S.’s health began declining in the late 1960s when he became infected with the If-It-Feels-Good, Do-It virus. In the following decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of overbearing federal and state rules and regulations and an oppressive tax code. C.S. was sapped of strength and the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, criminals received better treatment than victims and judges stuck their noses in everything from Boy Scouts to professional baseball and golf. His deterioration accelerated as schools implemented zero-tolerance policies. Reports of 6-year-old boys charged with sexual harassment for kissing classmates, a teen suspended for taking a swig of Scope mouthwash after lunch, girls suspended for possessing Midol and an honor student expelled for having a table knife in her school lunch were more than his heart could endure.

As the end neared, doctors say C.S. drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed of developments regarding regulations on low-flow toilets and mandatory air bags. Finally, upon hearing about a government plan to ban inhalers from 14 million asthmatics due to a trace of a pollutant that may be harmful to the environment, C.S. breathed his last. Services will be at Whispering Pines Cemetery. C.S. was preceded in death by his wife, Discretion; one daughter, Responsibility; and one son, Reason. He is survived by two step-brothers, Half-Wit and Dim-Wit.

Memorial Contributions may be sent to the Institute for Rational Thought.

Farewell, Common Sense. May you rest in peace.

WOMEN’S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses.

The results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their ass is too fat.

10% of women think their ass is too skinny.

The remaining 60% say they don’t care. They love him, he’s a good man and they wouldn’t trade him for the world.

(Impish and I’d both like to find one of the 60%)

Doo Wop Quiz

Thirty great memories about music that caused our parents and teachers grief! 

Take the quiz and see how you score as a true ”Oldies Fan.”
Write down your answers and check them against the answers at the end.

(Answers  Below)

Don’t cheat! (Impish they wrote that on the quiz special for you)

1. When did ”Little Suzie”  finally wake up?
(a)    The movie’s over, it’s 2  o’clock
(b)    The movie’s over, it’s 3  o’clock
(c)    The movie’s over, it’s 4  o’clock

2. ”Rock Around The Clock” was used in what movie?
(a)    Rebel Without A Cause
(b)    Blackboard Jungle
(c)    The Wild Ones

3. What’s missing from a Rock & Roll standpoint?   Earth_____
(a)    Angel
(b)    Mother
(c)    Worm

4.  ”I found my thrill … . …”  where?
(a)     Kansas City
(b)    Heartbreak Hotel
(c)    Blueberry Hill

5.  ”Please turn on your magic beam,__________ bring me a  dream,”:
(a)    Mr. Sandman
(b)    Earth Angel
(c)    Dream Lover

6.  For which label did Elvis Presley first record?
(a)    Atlantic
(b)    RCA
(c)    Sun

7. He asked, ”Why’s everybody always pickin’ on me?”  Who was he?
(a)    Bad, Bad Leroy Brown
(b)    Charlie Brown
(c)    Buster Brown

8. In Bobby Darin’s ”Mack The Knife,” the one with the knife, was named:
(a)    MacHeath
(b)    MacCloud
(c)    MacNamara

9. Name the song with ”A-wop bop a-loo bop a-lop bam boom.”
(a)    Good Golly, Miss Molly
(b)    Be-Bop-A-Lula
(c)    Tutti Fruitti

10..  Who is generally given credit for originating the term ”Rock And Roll”?
(a)     Dick Clark
(b)     Wolfman Jack
(c)     Alan Freed

11.  In 1957, he left the music business  to become a  preacher:
(a)     Little Richard
(b)     Frankie Lymon
(c)     Tony Orlando

12..   Paul Anka’s ”Puppy Love” is written to what star?
(a)     Brenda Lee
(b)     Connie Francis
(c)     Annette Funicello

13.   The Everly Brothers are .. . ….
(a)    Pete and Dick
(b)    Don and Phil
(c)    Bob and Bill

14.   The Big Bopper’s real name was:
(a)    Jiles P.. Richardson
(b)    Roy  Harold Scherer Jr.
(c)     Marion Michael Morrison

15.   In 1959, Berry Gordy, Jr., started a small  record company called…
(a)     Decca
(b)     Cameo
(c)     Motown

16.   Edd Brynes had a hit with ”Kookie, Kookie, Lend Me Your Comb” What TV show was he on?
(a)     77 Sunset Strip
(b)     Hawaiian Eye
(c)     Surfside Six

17.   In 1960 Bobby Darin married:
(a)     Carol Lynley
(b)     Sandra Dee
(c)     Natalie Wood

18.   They were a one hit wonder with ”Book Of  Love”:
(a)    The  Penguins
(b)    The  Monotones
(c)    The  Moonglows

19.   The Everly Brothers sang a song called ”Till I ______ You.”
(a)     Loved
(b)     Kissed
(c)     Met

20.   Chuck Berry sang ”Oh,___________, why can’t you be true?”
(a)     Suzie Q
(b)     Peggy Sue
(c)     Maybelline

21.   ”Wooly_______”
(a)     Mammouth
(b)     Bully
(c)     Pully

22.   ”I’m like a one-eyed cat .. .. . ….”
(a)     can’t go into town no more
(b)     sleepin’ on a cold hard floor
(c)     peepin’ in a seafood store

23.   ”Sometimes I wonder what I’m gonna do . . …. . ….”
(a)     cause there ain’t no answer for a life without booze
(b)     cause there ain’t no cure for the summertime blues
(c)     cause my car’s gassed up and I’m ready to cruise

24.   ”They often call me Speedo, but my real name is ..  ..  . . . .”
(a)    Mr. Earl
(b)     Jackie Pearl
(c)     Milton Berle

25.   ”You’re my Fanny and nobody else’s …….”
(a)     girl
(b)     butt
(c)     love

26.   ”I want you to play with my . . . ”
(a)     heart
(b)     dreams
(c)    ding a ling

27.   ”Be Bop A Lula ….”
(a)    she’s got the rabies
(b)    she’s my baby.
(c)    she loves me, maybe

28.   ”Fine Love, Fine Kissing ….”
(a)     right here
(b)     fifty cents
(c)     just for you

29.   ”He wore black denim trousers and …. . .”
(a)    a  pink carnation
(b)     pink leotards
(c)     motorcycle boots

30.   ”I got a gal named . . .”
(a)     Jenny Zamboni
(b)     Gerri Mahoney
(c)     Boney Maroney

Answers:
Scroll Down so you aren’t tempted to cheat  (as if cheating were needed here).
* * * * * * * * * * * *

1.    (c)   The movie’s over,  it’s 4 o’clock
2.    (b)    Blackboard Jungle
3.    (a)    Angel
4.    (c)    Blueberry Hill
5.    (a)    Mr. Sandman
6.    (c)    Sun
7.    (b)    Charlie Brown
8.    (a)    Mac Heath
9.    (c)    Tutti Fruitti
10.   (c)     Alan Freed
11.   (a)     Little Richard
12.   (c)     Annette Funicello
13.   (b)     Don and Phil
14.   (a)     Jiles P. Richardson
15.   (c)     Motown
16.   (a)      77 Sunset Strip
17.   (b)     Sandra Dee
18.   (b)     The Monotones
19.   (b)     Kissed
20.   (c)    Maybelline
21.   (b)    Bully
22.   (c)    peepin’ in a seafood store
23.   (b)  cause there ain’t no cure for the summertime blues
24.   (a)   Mr. Earl
25.   (b)     butt
26.   (c)     ding a ling
27.   (b)     she’s my baby
28.   (a)    right here
29.   (c)     motorcycle boots
30.   (c)     Boney Maroney

So THAT’S how the Rush Limbaughs of the world are created…from Michael Moore clones!

Finally this bit of sage wisdom and advice from our good friend Karl.

Be Careful When Using Google Streetview!

I was just looking at my house on Google Streetview and I saw my wife through the
window in the front room, shagging the postman.

It was only after I’d bludgeoned her to death that I realized that the image was two years old….

When I used to be a postman.

DOH!  I really hate it when that happens!

About noon or so yesterday, I started feeling kind of odd…like I was beginning to dream while wide awake.  Then, I swear to you, I started to hear voices….inside my head!  Yes, I did!  I thought I was going crazy!  Absolutely nuts!  It started with a barely audible moan, followed by a whimper, then a very tiny voice, very weak said, “Impish?  Impish can you hear me?”  Then there was some more moaning and groaning and then, “fecking St. Patrick…fecking flirtatious fairies…thrice fecking sunlight.” Then there were some more moans.  I swear, I thought I was tuning into an old radio broadcast of Ebenezer Scrooge, where Marley’s ghost keeps moaning and rattling chains, with me playing the part of Ebenezer! “bloody hell you twit of a dragon, I’m talknig to you inside your warm ridden skull will you listen to me!  Don’t make me shout!” I was beginning to recognize this voice. “My head will pop!” More of Marley’s Ghost moaning. “a pot of gold for a cup of strong coffee! DRAGON YA BLOODY BUFFOON! (oh bloody hell my head!) answer me!  It smells inside your skull and everything looks like moldy cottage cheese.”

I felt safe enough now to say, “Lethal?  Is that you?  Where are you?”

“Shhh! Not so fecking loud!  Use your in your head voice” (Okay, like that made any sense) “Listen, I’m badly hung over and I’m in a spot o’ trouble…need your help.”

“Okay”

“Yes, I’m here, now for the love of god WHISPER schmuck! My head feeling like an over ripe melon about to explode.”

“Dude, I’m not even talking.  Just thinking the words to you.”

“Then think less intensely, do nae concentrate on it so bloody much! The last thing I remember was a couple of fairies asking me if I wanted to go home with them.  Lovely redheaded twins they were, with the most amazing curves.  They did the most delightfully naughty things with those gossamer wings, too.”

“That sounds just great, so what’s the problem?”

Lethal quiets down a little and says, “Well, when I woke this morning, it was face down with sea water splashing me in the face, in the bay outside of Slago near a fairies’ circle.  I’m in Ireland! …and starkers, too.!

I couldn’t help it, I started laughing.  Trying to mask how the sound would travel in my head.  “What can I do to help you, my friend?”

Rushing his words a bit now, “I need you to send the G-5 to Knock…with a spare suit that’s hanging in an over night bag behind my office door.  I’ve arranged some transport from Slago to the airport at Knock.  Tell them to bring a thermos or three of hot black coffee, me emergency flask of Bushmill’s and me Doctor of Quackery medical bag, too.”

“Okay, clear.  Stand by while I get the crew started.  I don’t even know who’s on duty or sober enough to fly.  Hell, more than half the staff are still MIA.  Mostly the ones you took with you last night…and some others.”

I rushed around like a mad man trying to get things set up, I’m sure it seemed like an agaonizing eternity to Lethal.  He probably spent the time counting his pulse by the pounding behind his eyes.

“Okay.  They’re launching as soon as your stuff makes it to the airport.  I used your Flying Monkey’s Messenger Service account to get the stuff there right away.”

He lets out a great sigh of relief, “Oh blessed Holy Mother Mary dats grand!  Okay, I’ll be leaving your mind now…I already feel like I need a shower and to bleach my mind from being here in yours just this long.  And sport, I’ve got to say…Teletubby Porn? Seriously?  You need help dude.  A lot of it.  And soon.”

“Dude, that was your own brain echoing back at you.  Keep me in the loop.  I may be slow in answering.  Spending a lot of time on bail and retrieval of employees.  Had to send the magical extraction team into some really bad areas twice already today.  Your little staff pub crawl has got our people scattered all over the globe.”

Lethal manages to croak out, “Look for file marked ‘Post S.P.D. Retrieval Contingencies’, find sub file for each missing employee and follow instructions in each.”

I told him, “Yeah, already working that.  Started that process hours ago.  But not everyone is where they are listed as being.”

Lethal begins to babble on in another direction, “We did nae start out crawling, cobble stones are too bloody hard on the knees for that.  Until the last five pubs we swaggered with pride to the rest only when we kept falling down when we tried swaggering die we start crawling.”

I couldn’t help it, a tone of chastising rose up in my voice, “Yup, but when you magically transported everyone from put to pub, city to city, and country to country, following the time zones for the World’s Record Longest Pub Crawl on St. Patrick’s Day, you didn’t always transport everyone you were supposed to and you transported some you shouldn’t have! Seems as so long as the numbers were right, you didn’t care who was with you towards the end.  I’m still trying to put back some of the tag-alongs that ended up back here.  Some of them don’t even speak English, or any of the bloody mythical languages.”

Beginning to whine, “I made the last call for this pub announcement 3 times before we left.  If they didn’t come gather round and join the circle I figured they were getting lucky and left them to their own devices.  Damn man!  You think I could bloody count by that point?  We were fecking lucky I could navigate well enough to find the next pub on the list!”

“Uh huh…”

“There’s a 1-800 Call for retrieval number in sharpie on each of their forearms or foreheads.  GREEN sharpie I hasten to add.  I put it there meself on everyone before we left in case this sort o’ thing happened like last year.  Now, do me a kindness please and take a huge dragon sized greedy honking slurp o’ coffee.  I’m hoping the feelings will filter through the fairie phone exchange and help me head.  Ahhhhhhh!  That helps a wee bit…you should wash that cup every hundred years or so, though.

“Hey, you don’t like my cup, you can always wait the 6 hours for the G-5 to arrive with yours!”

“Begorrah!  I hope the plane has coffee enough for 3.  I’ve just found Clarence and No-name and it looks like they got farie rolled, too.  Ok, I’m going ta have to be going now.  Seems, I have to be finding some poor fellow who’s still passed out and rolling the bloody fool for his wallet… I MEAN borrowing enough from him until the plane arrives for 3 sets of clothes and 6 pair of sunglasses.”

And then it was a click, like hanging up a phone and my head was quiet again.  Well, as quiet as it ever is, which is to say, not very.  So, that shows you how my day went, so let’s press on into our weekend and start it off right with some laughter!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol- Dead

The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead

So the  Minister asked the congregation – What did  you learn from this demonstration???
Impish Dragon was sitting in  the back, quickly raised his hand and said, ‘As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!’

That pretty much ended the service

• Russian astronomers say an asteroid is heading toward our planet and will hit us in 2036. You have to keep in mind that Russian astronomers use empty vodka bottles for telescopes.
• The United States led the world in shark attacks last year. In your face, Australia.
• American Sharks are so aggressive that most shark attacks these days are taking place in Oklahoma.
• The flu always rears its ugly head this time of year, in late January or early February — like Ashton Kutcher movies.pic

Yup, it’s all made out of chocolate.

Today if Dorothy met some old guys who had no heart, no brain and no courage, she wouldn’t be in Kansas or Oz,

she would be in Congress

Good Morning Campers!  Hmm, I only see about half of you, are the rest still abed?  Rough night last night celebrating St. Patrick’s Day?  Well, we are having a similar problem here at Dragon Laff Studios.  Seems our resident Leprechaun decided he was going to take some of the staff and “celebrate St. Patrick’s Day the way the good lord himself intended it to be celebrated.”  Well, after making that comment and marching off with about 30 staff members, humans and mythicals, it wasn’t long afterward that the police started calling and asking if certain individuals belonged to us and can we please come and pick them up.  Seems as though none of them were being charged with anything.  Lethal wouldn’t let any of them drive or anything like that.  Everyone was magically transported from one pub to another around the world.  But, that’s where the problems began.  I understand that he lost almost half the Mountain Dwarves when the went from the first Dublin Pub to the second one.  Less than a mile away and right off…5 (or so, we’re not really sure) chunky-assed dwarves, didn’t make it to the second pub.  I understand at one point they ran into Santa and due to some past history between Santa and the ownership of Dragon Laffs Enterprises, Santa didn’t take too kindly to drinking in the same pub as Lethal.  Well, long story short, Lethal arranged for Santa to be found…um… drunk in the back alley of a pub in London, in a compromising position with a reindeer.
Anyway, most of the human staff have been found and returned to either their homes or the clinic for alcohol overdose and addiction, some of the mythical creatures have come back, but there is at least a slim possibility that some of them are still with Lethal.  The last we heard was that they were going to follow the time line around the world and make St. Patrick’s Day last as long as possible.  He’s probably somewhere in search of another pint.  But, please.  If you find him, mail him back to us.

Now, let’s laugh! (as if you weren’t already)

More Breaking News
From our own Jeannie….

F.W.A.T.

A new childhood anti-obesity  initiative is set to become law later this year.  Experts in the field of childhood obesity are excited at the prospect of curbing and reversing the out of control rising level of obesity in young children and teens.  The initiative called F.W.A.T. (Feed, Weigh And Tax) is the brainchild of a childhood obesity think tank committee formed by the current administration.

F.W.A.T. creators believe that the new law’s implementation will be simple and easy to understand for parents.   Through  coordinated efforts of  local schools and the federal government, every school age child will be weighed monthly at their school.  The individual weight data will then be entered into a federal data base which will be overseen by a new obesity czar.  The data will be tracked and the parents of children who are found to be overweight or obese will be taxed on a per pound basis.   The tax will be added to the parent’s annual income tax and will be monitored by federal obesity agents to ensure prompt payment.  While the exact cost of the new fat tax has not yet been declared, obesity experts predict that the per pound cost of the offending youngsters will fall somewhere between the per pound cost of butter and boneless pork roast.

In addition to the monthly weigh-in, schools will be expected to help with the initiative in other ways.  All educators will receive special adipose surveillance training from Homeland Security.  According to a department spokesman, the most important concept for all teachers to remember is that “if you see something, say something.” 

Parents who believe that their circumstances present a hardship may apply for a F.W.A.T. waiver which will relieve them of any tax liability in their child’s obesity.  Failure to pay the F.W.A.T. tax under the new guidelines may result in garnishing of the parent’s or child’s wages and or relocation of the entire offending family to any of several new federal Weight Re-education Camps.

More information can be found online at fwat.org.gov.

YES, it’s satire, folks!!  The way this administration operates, it’s believable though, isn’t it.
And the real shame is that she felt obligated to TELL you that it was satire.

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming.
Sincerely,
The Titanic

Dear Yahoo,
I’ve never heard anyone say, “I don’t know, let’s Yahoo! it…” just saying…
Sincerely,
Google

Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WHAT happened?!
Sincerely,
1985

Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely,
Unimpressed

Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely,
Stevie Wonder

Dear Nickleback,
That’s enough.
Sincerely,
The World

Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain…..no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin

Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son’s virginity.
Sincerely,
Parents Everywhere

Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely, Superman

Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Global Warming,
You’re the best imaginary friend ever!
Sincerely,
Al Gore

Dear Mr. Gump
What are you talking about? There’s a little diagram on the lid that tells you EXACTLY what you’re gonna get….
Sincerely,
Jenny

Dear Haiti,
Is it too early to ask what’s shakin’?
Sincerely,
Seriously Going To Hell

Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User

Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up…
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore

Dear Man,
It’s cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant

Dear Dr. Phil,
Look man, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here first.
Sincerely,
Dr. Pepper

Could a Japan-like mega-tsunami hit America? Yes, and there’s proof.