Morning St Patrick’s Day Pub Crawl Survivors!
The Doctors have discharged me from the “green beer recovery ward” and all is well again. Leaving the IV in and refilling it with coffee was my idea not theirs.
My thanks to Impish for his help in coordinating my retrieval as well as that of Clarence and No-name.
I see we’ve finally all managed to get rescued or find our own way back home safely. I even see that the majority of you have managed to get the green Sharpie off your forearms and/or foreheads as well. For those of you still having a spot of trouble, try a little WD-40 on a paper towel held over the writing for about 10 minutes followed by a good scrub with Dawn Dishwashing Liquid.
A little actual serious business before we commence laughing hopefully until our sides hurt. Impish and I recently had a head shed over how to best continue to bring you as much Dragon and Leprechaun Laffs as possible balanced against our hectic and sometimes impossible schedules and life demands. We have decided to commence a split load schedule starting today. If this works out you’ll be seeing LeprechaunLaffs on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. On Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday you;ll be seeing DragonLaffs. On Sundays we’ll be seeing our pillows, families, our Honey-Do lists and hopefully getting a jump ahead on the following weeks issues.
Now Let’s Laugh Until It Hurts!
As for Impish’s denial of being a fan of teleltubby pornography, the handy (abet unpleasant) thing about making a fairie circle phone call to his head was that I then knew where he was hiding it. So with out further preamble and as our first laugh here is Impish’s teletubby porn movie.
Hey I’m not suffering alone here! That was on a nonstop loop playing in the middens pit that passes for Impish’s brain the entire time I was talking to him! Just you trying seeing that with an epic hangover the size of a third world country!
How the world works lately…
If a man cuts his finger off while Slicing salami at work, He blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day For 40 years and die of lung cancer, Your family blames the Tobacco company.
If your neighbor crashes Into a tree while driving home drunk, He blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners, You blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, You blame the gun manufacturer..
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, And the passengers kill him instead, The mother of the crazed deceased Blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.
So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED ASS is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to blame Bill Gates (and ImpishDragon) .
OH YEAH! Like THAT thought running around in his head for an entire 18 holes is going to help his game!
True Tales of the Impish Dragon # 9
Impish’s Baby Picture
I should have posted that one under the fantasy pix header because I doubt Impish was ever THAT small or THAT cute in real life!
Impish was complaining he spent $50 on E-bay for a penis enlarger and apparently got taken…………..
“Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.!!.” he bitched.
(Guess he DID get taken, he needs at least a jeweler’s loupe to enlarge that thing!)
Impish came running (waddling?) up to me excitedly grabbed my arm and said, “I figured out why I’m fat! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says “For extra volume and body”.
“Ok” said I fearful of what twisted kernel of dragon logic might be coming next “and….”
“I’m gonna start using Dawn dish soap.” he responded, “It says ‘Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove’.
Mrs. Dragon gets off the phone and announces “My cousin Cedric has passed on.”
The littlest dragon asks “Mom? You have a cousin named Cedric?”
Impish Dragon (a.k.a. Captain Insensitive) replies “Not anymore she doesn’t!”
(I understand Mrs. Dragon got a very good 2 for 1 deal on the burial and saved money by sticking Impish in with poor cousin Cedric…of course Impish was still alive at the time.)
Impish and his wife are watching TV when an evangelist comes on and promises to heal the sick.
The evangelist says, “Pray with me, placing your right hand in the air and your left hand on the afflicted area.”
So Impish (ever the joker) places his right hand in the air and his left hand on his crotch.
Mrs. Dragon says, “Honey, he said heal the sick, not raise the dead.”
Impish Dragon and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon “quickie.”
“Don’t worry,” he purrs. “My wife is out of town on a business trip, there’s no risk.” As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, “We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!”
“No problem,” Impish replies. “I’ll get my wife’s diaphragm.” After a few minutes of searching, the Dragon returns to the bedroom in a fury. “That witch!” he exclaims. “She took it with her! I always knew she didn’t trust me!”
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. Impish came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, ‘What is a seven-hundred- ten?’
He replied, ‘You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine; I have lost it and need a new one.’
He replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave him a piece of paper and a pen and asked Impish to draw what the piece looked like.
Impish drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took him over to a car just like his which had its hood up and asked ‘Is there a 710 on this car?’
Impish pointed and said, ‘Of course, it’s right there.’
If you’re not sure what a 710 is …..
I TOLD you True Tales would be back with a vengeance for all those bad Irish jokes!
My latest ranting in Leprechaun Laffs #34, regarding Alaska Airlines, struck a chord with a few of you. Several of you were moved to post comments here as well as e-mail Impish and myself privately. A couple of you wondered what happened to Common Sense or lamented the lack of it now a days. Sadly I must inform you all, Common Sense passed on 13 years ago.
There was not much fan fare at the time, but it’s passing was noted March 15, 1998 by one columnist who’s Obituary for the much missed quality in people is reprinted below:
The Death of Common Sense
By Lori Borgman
Three yards of black fabric enshroud my computer terminal. I am mourning the passing of an old friend by the name of Common Sense.
His obituary reads as follows:
Common Sense, aka C.S., lived a long life, but died from heart failure at the brink of the millennium. No one really knows how old he was, his birth records were long ago entangled in miles and miles of bureaucratic red tape.
Known affectionately to close friends as Horse Sense and Sound Thinking, he selflessly devoted himself to a life of service in homes, schools, hospitals and offices, helping folks get jobs done without a lot of fanfare, whooping and hollering. Rules and regulations and petty, frivolous lawsuits held no power over C.S.
A most reliable sage, he was credited with cultivating the ability to know when to come in out of the rain, the discovery that the early bird gets the worm and how to take the bitter with the sweet. C.S. also developed sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adult is in charge, not the kid) and prudent dietary plans (offset eggs and bacon with a little fiber and orange juice).
A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, the Technological Revolution and the Smoking Crusades, C.S. survived sundry cultural and educational trends including disco, the men’s movement, body piercing, whole language and new math.
C.S.’s health began declining in the late 1960s when he became infected with the If-It-Feels-Good, Do-It virus. In the following decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of overbearing federal and state rules and regulations and an oppressive tax code. C.S. was sapped of strength and the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, criminals received better treatment than victims and judges stuck their noses in everything from Boy Scouts to professional baseball and golf. His deterioration accelerated as schools implemented zero-tolerance policies. Reports of 6-year-old boys charged with sexual harassment for kissing classmates, a teen suspended for taking a swig of Scope mouthwash after lunch, girls suspended for possessing Midol and an honor student expelled for having a table knife in her school lunch were more than his heart could endure.
As the end neared, doctors say C.S. drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed of developments regarding regulations on low-flow toilets and mandatory air bags. Finally, upon hearing about a government plan to ban inhalers from 14 million asthmatics due to a trace of a pollutant that may be harmful to the environment, C.S. breathed his last. Services will be at Whispering Pines Cemetery. C.S. was preceded in death by his wife, Discretion; one daughter, Responsibility; and one son, Reason. He is survived by two step-brothers, Half-Wit and Dim-Wit.
Memorial Contributions may be sent to the Institute for Rational Thought.
Farewell, Common Sense. May you rest in peace.
WOMEN’S ASS SIZE STUDY
There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses.
The results were pretty interesting:
30% of women think their ass is too fat.
10% of women think their ass is too skinny.
The remaining 60% say they don’t care. They love him, he’s a good man and they wouldn’t trade him for the world.
(Impish and I’d both like to find one of the 60%)
Doo Wop Quiz
Thirty great memories about music that caused our parents and teachers grief!
Take the quiz and see how you score as a true ”Oldies Fan.”
Write down your answers and check them against the answers at the end.
Don’t cheat! (Impish they wrote that on the quiz special for you)
1. When did ”Little Suzie” finally wake up?
(a) The movie’s over, it’s 2 o’clock
(b) The movie’s over, it’s 3 o’clock
(c) The movie’s over, it’s 4 o’clock
2. ”Rock Around The Clock” was used in what movie?
(a) Rebel Without A Cause
(b) Blackboard Jungle
(c) The Wild Ones
3. What’s missing from a Rock & Roll standpoint? Earth_____
4. ”I found my thrill … . …” where?
(a) Kansas City
(b) Heartbreak Hotel
(c) Blueberry Hill
5. ”Please turn on your magic beam,__________ bring me a dream,”:
(a) Mr. Sandman
(b) Earth Angel
(c) Dream Lover
6. For which label did Elvis Presley first record?
7. He asked, ”Why’s everybody always pickin’ on me?” Who was he?
(a) Bad, Bad Leroy Brown
(b) Charlie Brown
(c) Buster Brown
8. In Bobby Darin’s ”Mack The Knife,” the one with the knife, was named:
9. Name the song with ”A-wop bop a-loo bop a-lop bam boom.”
(a) Good Golly, Miss Molly
(c) Tutti Fruitti
10.. Who is generally given credit for originating the term ”Rock And Roll”?
(a) Dick Clark
(b) Wolfman Jack
(c) Alan Freed
11. In 1957, he left the music business to become a preacher:
(a) Little Richard
(b) Frankie Lymon
(c) Tony Orlando
12.. Paul Anka’s ”Puppy Love” is written to what star?
(a) Brenda Lee
(b) Connie Francis
(c) Annette Funicello
13. The Everly Brothers are .. . ….
(a) Pete and Dick
(b) Don and Phil
(c) Bob and Bill
14. The Big Bopper’s real name was:
(a) Jiles P.. Richardson
(b) Roy Harold Scherer Jr.
(c) Marion Michael Morrison
15. In 1959, Berry Gordy, Jr., started a small record company called…
16. Edd Brynes had a hit with ”Kookie, Kookie, Lend Me Your Comb” What TV show was he on?
(a) 77 Sunset Strip
(b) Hawaiian Eye
(c) Surfside Six
17. In 1960 Bobby Darin married:
(a) Carol Lynley
(b) Sandra Dee
(c) Natalie Wood
18. They were a one hit wonder with ”Book Of Love”:
(a) The Penguins
(b) The Monotones
(c) The Moonglows
19. The Everly Brothers sang a song called ”Till I ______ You.”
20. Chuck Berry sang ”Oh,___________, why can’t you be true?”
(a) Suzie Q
(b) Peggy Sue
22. ”I’m like a one-eyed cat .. .. . ….”
(a) can’t go into town no more
(b) sleepin’ on a cold hard floor
(c) peepin’ in a seafood store
23. ”Sometimes I wonder what I’m gonna do . . …. . ….”
(a) cause there ain’t no answer for a life without booze
(b) cause there ain’t no cure for the summertime blues
(c) cause my car’s gassed up and I’m ready to cruise
24. ”They often call me Speedo, but my real name is .. .. . . . .”
(a) Mr. Earl
(b) Jackie Pearl
(c) Milton Berle
25. ”You’re my Fanny and nobody else’s …….”
26. ”I want you to play with my . . . ”
(c) ding a ling
27. ”Be Bop A Lula ….”
(a) she’s got the rabies
(b) she’s my baby.
(c) she loves me, maybe
28. ”Fine Love, Fine Kissing ….”
(a) right here
(b) fifty cents
(c) just for you
29. ”He wore black denim trousers and …. . .”
(a) a pink carnation
(b) pink leotards
(c) motorcycle boots
30. ”I got a gal named . . .”
(a) Jenny Zamboni
(b) Gerri Mahoney
(c) Boney Maroney
Scroll Down so you aren’t tempted to cheat (as if cheating were needed here).
* * * * * * * * * * * *
1. (c) The movie’s over, it’s 4 o’clock
2. (b) Blackboard Jungle
3. (a) Angel
4. (c) Blueberry Hill
5. (a) Mr. Sandman
6. (c) Sun
7. (b) Charlie Brown
8. (a) Mac Heath
9. (c) Tutti Fruitti
10. (c) Alan Freed
11. (a) Little Richard
12. (c) Annette Funicello
13. (b) Don and Phil
14. (a) Jiles P. Richardson
15. (c) Motown
16. (a) 77 Sunset Strip
17. (b) Sandra Dee
18. (b) The Monotones
19. (b) Kissed
20. (c) Maybelline
21. (b) Bully
22. (c) peepin’ in a seafood store
23. (b) cause there ain’t no cure for the summertime blues
24. (a) Mr. Earl
25. (b) butt
26. (c) ding a ling
27. (b) she’s my baby
28. (a) right here
29. (c) motorcycle boots
30. (c) Boney Maroney
So THAT’S how the Rush Limbaughs of the world are created…from Michael Moore clones!
Finally this bit of sage wisdom and advice from our good friend Karl.
Be Careful When Using Google Streetview!
I was just looking at my house on Google Streetview and I saw my wife through the
window in the front room, shagging the postman.
It was only after I’d bludgeoned her to death that I realized that the image was two years old….
When I used to be a postman.
DOH! I really hate it when that happens!