About noon or so yesterday, I started feeling kind of odd…like I was beginning to dream while wide awake. Then, I swear to you, I started to hear voices….inside my head! Yes, I did! I thought I was going crazy! Absolutely nuts! It started with a barely audible moan, followed by a whimper, then a very tiny voice, very weak said, “Impish? Impish can you hear me?” Then there was some more moaning and groaning and then, “fecking St. Patrick…fecking flirtatious fairies…thrice fecking sunlight.” Then there were some more moans. I swear, I thought I was tuning into an old radio broadcast of Ebenezer Scrooge, where Marley’s ghost keeps moaning and rattling chains, with me playing the part of Ebenezer! “bloody hell you twit of a dragon, I’m talknig to you inside your warm ridden skull will you listen to me! Don’t make me shout!” I was beginning to recognize this voice. “My head will pop!” More of Marley’s Ghost moaning. “a pot of gold for a cup of strong coffee! DRAGON YA BLOODY BUFFOON! (oh bloody hell my head!) answer me! It smells inside your skull and everything looks like moldy cottage cheese.”
I felt safe enough now to say, “Lethal? Is that you? Where are you?”
“Shhh! Not so fecking loud! Use your in your head voice” (Okay, like that made any sense) “Listen, I’m badly hung over and I’m in a spot o’ trouble…need your help.”
“Yes, I’m here, now for the love of god WHISPER schmuck! My head feeling like an over ripe melon about to explode.”
“Dude, I’m not even talking. Just thinking the words to you.”
“Then think less intensely, do nae concentrate on it so bloody much! The last thing I remember was a couple of fairies asking me if I wanted to go home with them. Lovely redheaded twins they were, with the most amazing curves. They did the most delightfully naughty things with those gossamer wings, too.”
“That sounds just great, so what’s the problem?”
Lethal quiets down a little and says, “Well, when I woke this morning, it was face down with sea water splashing me in the face, in the bay outside of Slago near a fairies’ circle. I’m in Ireland! …and starkers, too.!
I couldn’t help it, I started laughing. Trying to mask how the sound would travel in my head. “What can I do to help you, my friend?”
Rushing his words a bit now, “I need you to send the G-5 to Knock…with a spare suit that’s hanging in an over night bag behind my office door. I’ve arranged some transport from Slago to the airport at Knock. Tell them to bring a thermos or three of hot black coffee, me emergency flask of Bushmill’s and me Doctor of Quackery medical bag, too.”
“Okay, clear. Stand by while I get the crew started. I don’t even know who’s on duty or sober enough to fly. Hell, more than half the staff are still MIA. Mostly the ones you took with you last night…and some others.”
I rushed around like a mad man trying to get things set up, I’m sure it seemed like an agaonizing eternity to Lethal. He probably spent the time counting his pulse by the pounding behind his eyes.
“Okay. They’re launching as soon as your stuff makes it to the airport. I used your Flying Monkey’s Messenger Service account to get the stuff there right away.”
He lets out a great sigh of relief, “Oh blessed Holy Mother Mary dats grand! Okay, I’ll be leaving your mind now…I already feel like I need a shower and to bleach my mind from being here in yours just this long. And sport, I’ve got to say…Teletubby Porn? Seriously? You need help dude. A lot of it. And soon.”
“Dude, that was your own brain echoing back at you. Keep me in the loop. I may be slow in answering. Spending a lot of time on bail and retrieval of employees. Had to send the magical extraction team into some really bad areas twice already today. Your little staff pub crawl has got our people scattered all over the globe.”
Lethal manages to croak out, “Look for file marked ‘Post S.P.D. Retrieval Contingencies’, find sub file for each missing employee and follow instructions in each.”
I told him, “Yeah, already working that. Started that process hours ago. But not everyone is where they are listed as being.”
Lethal begins to babble on in another direction, “We did nae start out crawling, cobble stones are too bloody hard on the knees for that. Until the last five pubs we swaggered with pride to the rest only when we kept falling down when we tried swaggering die we start crawling.”
I couldn’t help it, a tone of chastising rose up in my voice, “Yup, but when you magically transported everyone from put to pub, city to city, and country to country, following the time zones for the World’s Record Longest Pub Crawl on St. Patrick’s Day, you didn’t always transport everyone you were supposed to and you transported some you shouldn’t have! Seems as so long as the numbers were right, you didn’t care who was with you towards the end. I’m still trying to put back some of the tag-alongs that ended up back here. Some of them don’t even speak English, or any of the bloody mythical languages.”
Beginning to whine, “I made the last call for this pub announcement 3 times before we left. If they didn’t come gather round and join the circle I figured they were getting lucky and left them to their own devices. Damn man! You think I could bloody count by that point? We were fecking lucky I could navigate well enough to find the next pub on the list!”
“There’s a 1-800 Call for retrieval number in sharpie on each of their forearms or foreheads. GREEN sharpie I hasten to add. I put it there meself on everyone before we left in case this sort o’ thing happened like last year. Now, do me a kindness please and take a huge dragon sized greedy honking slurp o’ coffee. I’m hoping the feelings will filter through the fairie phone exchange and help me head. Ahhhhhhh! That helps a wee bit…you should wash that cup every hundred years or so, though.
“Hey, you don’t like my cup, you can always wait the 6 hours for the G-5 to arrive with yours!”
“Begorrah! I hope the plane has coffee enough for 3. I’ve just found Clarence and No-name and it looks like they got farie rolled, too. Ok, I’m going ta have to be going now. Seems, I have to be finding some poor fellow who’s still passed out and rolling the bloody fool for his wallet… I MEAN borrowing enough from him until the plane arrives for 3 sets of clothes and 6 pair of sunglasses.”
And then it was a click, like hanging up a phone and my head was quiet again. Well, as quiet as it ever is, which is to say, not very. So, that shows you how my day went, so let’s press on into our weekend and start it off right with some laughter!
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol- Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation – What did you learn from this demonstration???
Impish Dragon was sitting in the back, quickly raised his hand and said, ‘As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!’
That pretty much ended the service
This is a GREAT puzzle. So, you think you know the United States? Bah! See how well you do!
For more you can go here:
Lag: An Animated Story of High Latency
Someone has done a REALLY great job of editing on this one:
Spock Overshares on Facebook
The thing that I like about the late night commentaries, is that they are just a tiny slice of what’s going on in the world today….and some of them do it very well…while others… well, they suck. Here are the ones that made me smile:
The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
Lindsay Lohan has been charged with stealing a $2,500 necklace. According to the law for celebrities in Los Angeles, 600 strikes and she’s out.
President Obama hosted Republican leaders for lunch at the White House. Obama had to do without salt, bread, pepper, and butter, but not for health reasons. The Republicans refused to pass anything.
The problem in Egypt is that so many government officials are rich and the people are poor. I think it’s a pyramid scheme.
Late Show With David Letterman
We have over 40,000 potholes because of the snow in New York City. One is so big that it has a scenic overview.
Regis and Kelly celebrated the 10th anniversary of their show. Regis has been on TV so long, his first co-host was Eve.
Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
On the “Today” show, Michelle Obama called the Bush twins “magnificent” and Chelsea Clinton a “solid young woman.” In fact, the only president’s kid she didn’t compliment was George Bush Sr.’s.
Sprint is coming out with a two-screen phone called the Echo. One screen is for you, and the other displays an apology to the person you’re eating dinner with.
Ten thousand angry demonstrators demanded that Egypt’s President Mubarak leave office. Police tried to disperse them with tear gas and when that didn’t work, they brought in a Black Eyed Peas halftime show.
A California man is suing Disney because he was trapped on the “It’s a Small World” ride for 40 minutes. When they heard it, the Chilean miners said, “Wow, we got off easy.”
The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson
Russian astronomers say an asteroid is heading toward our planet and will hit us in 2036. You have to keep in mind that Russian astronomers use empty vodka bottles for telescopes.
The United States led the world in shark attacks last year. In your face, Australia.
American Sharks are so aggressive that most shark attacks these days are taking place in Oklahoma.
The flu always rears its ugly head this time of year, in late January or early February — like Ashton Kutcher movies.pic
Today if Dorothy met some old guys who had no heart, no brain and no courage, she wouldn’t be in Kansas or Oz,
she would be in Congress
Great Fun! My Blackberry’s not working!
A guy, out hunting in Alaska, accidentally shoots a polar bear. Realizing his mistake, he reports the incident to the local ranger.
A week later, he gets a letter in the mail, telling him that he is being taken to court by the park service. Arriving at court, he explains to the judge what happened, and the judge comes to a decision.
“As you didn’t kill this protected species intentionally, I don’t intend to send you to prison”, the judge says. “However, it is still a serious error on your part, and I intend to deal with you by way of a fine, based upon the body weight of the animal”. “For every one pound of body weight, you will be fined $10”.
Consulting his records, the judge finds the weight of the bear, as recorded by the park services, and calls for a calculator. After a minute of two, he calls the hunter to the bench, and gives his judgment; a fine of $9,000.
The representative of the park services jumps to his feet, and approaches the judge. “Your Honor”, he says, “With the greatest respect, I believe you’ve made a mistake in your calculations”. “We weighed the animal shortly after it was shot, and it weighed a
total of 1000 pounds”. “Surely, based on that measurement, the fine should be $10,000”.
The judge looks at the ranger, and says, “I made a calculation, taking into consideration, the animals’ weight, minus its two front paws”.
“Because”, the judge replies, “Every American has the right to bear arms!”
The GREATEST example of teamwork, EVER!
Playing golf with his buddies, George had to make a slick twenty-five-foot putt. As he lined it up, he announced, “I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?”
His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. Too bad, George missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money. George pulled out a dollar bill on which he had written, “I can make this putt.”
His pals are still trying to collect on the bet… and George is, too!
How many seconds you have been alive on this earth and when
You were probably conceived. Enjoy.