Holy Mary Blessed Mother of Jayus b’gosh & b’gorrah! It actually finally rained here! When I say rained I mean steadily and gently for some where in the neighborhood of five or six hours straight.

We here in Texas have not seen any appreciable rain probably since January and that ‘tis nae blarney.

I woke up Wednesday morning rather abruptly to the notion that yet another fecking liberal was pissin on me and trying to tell me it was rain. Then there was a prolonged loud building shaking rumble, followed by the immediate express arrival of two very freaked out cats to my bed. I then thought that perhaps it was Impish pissin’ on me for any one of the couple jokes I had made at his expense in Wednesday’s issue and that the rumble was simply him ‘outgassing’ as he is want to do frequently.

A bright flash suddenly filling the strangely dim for the hour room prompting a flurry of run and hide activity from the cats on the bed (across me apparently being the most direct route to wherever) and made me realize that this was natural metrological phenomena rather than something man or dragon made. The TV weather guessers had finally come thru on their empty promises it was raining! Even better it was mostly a gentle but steady soaking rain as opposed to the frog strangling deluge we normally get where 90% of it runs off after damaging crops! While it sort of puts the axe to my plans to grill up a storm to keep cool when the heat returns I call it a fair trade.

If it keeps up for most of the day while not out of our drought problem (the worst its been in 10 years) we will probably be out of the dangerous grass fire situation that has been plaguing us around here (three major one and within 5 miles of me in the last 7 days) Now if you’ll kindly excuse me I’m going to go outside and pay mother nature for her benevolence by mowing the fecking lawn that has grown 2 inches almost overnight.

Let’s Laugh Our Way To An Early Quitting Time!

(Impish that does not mean you! Sit down and dummy up you big dummy!)

Dear Customer:

We apologize for the delay in getting your order to you.

However, your item is on back order at this time. We didn’t anticipate such great demand for this item, and we have simply been unable to keep them in stock!

28 million are currently on back order, and we should be receiving more from the manufacturer soon. We will ship your order at the earliest possible time.

We thank you for your patience, and for your continued patronage!

ABC NOVELTIES COMPANY.

 

A Muslim kid can’t find his mother in the supermarket.
The store attendant says ‘What does your mother look like?’
The kid says “How the hell should I know?”

 

 

My 17-year-old niece asked me if she could use my name as a reference on her resume, which she planned to submit to a local fast food restaurant. I agreed.

A few days later, she called and asked me to meet her at the restaurant later that afternoon. When I asked her why, she replied, “The manager wants me to come in for an interview and she told me to bring my references.”

 

The Polish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they’re going to drill for their own oil.  Impish is already in search of a kielbasa skin turban to wear and telling everyone to call him ‘sheik Dragon’. Word has it this was his ‘brilliant’ idea

 

Wheelbarrow Bet

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.”

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in. “

 

Today’s Important PSA comes from Rick of WolfsWallpapers Yahoo Group: wolfswallpapers-subscribe@yahoogroups.com or visit their homepage: http://tech.groups.yahoo.com/group/wolfswallpapers/ where when not slaving for the dragon you’ll find me backstopping Rick and doing the Fantasy Friday Wallpapers.

 

 

A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem.
The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway.
When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked, but if it would help solve her problem, she thought she had better do what the doctor said.
As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs and when she did he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very positive ‘yes, yes’ type noises the doctor instructed her to get dressed again.
Afterwards, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much liquid before going to bed.
“So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?”
“Well,” said the doctor, “my wife is right, a beard would suit me.”

 

Ask about my 3 for 1 special and my satisfaction guarantee! Remember me lucky charms are magically delicious too!

( This offer only good for human females 18 to 60. credit check required for those over 50. Graciemj you quit that shoving & line cutting now! wait your turn  polite  and lady like!)

 

 

Five (5) pearls of Leprechaun wisdom to remember:

1. Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle. (it’s even more comfy in a Rolls)

2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard’s name. (as well as his D.o.B, S.S.N and C.C. numbers, then give me a call. I’ll do the rest and for a reasonable 40% including the laundering too!)

3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again. (help him get into even deeper trouble however and he’ll avoid you like the plague)

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them. (well that and they will not chlorinate the shallow end of the gene pool and require an IQ test before allowing them to breed. But seriously if they were not around who would we give the Darwin awards out to?)

5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk. (so why take chances the milk might be spoiled or wasn’t pasteurized properly? I’ve yet to hear of a case of spoiled Irish whiskey)

 

 

Ronald Reagan tells joke about Democrats

 

Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, ‘Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!’ The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?’

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him, “You gonna try again.”

Why Male Elk Have Long Antlers

 

 

 

 

 

It’s a guy thing, regardless of Species

 

 

Oops! is a word
That I don’t care
To hear as someone
Cuts my hair.

Another time
It’s not a thrill
Is when the dentist
Holds a drill.

An Oops! escaped
From pilot’s lips
Can do me in
On airplane trips.

But nothing’s worse
Than Oops spoken
When one finds out
The condom’s broken.

 

 

An Occupational Story

“You don’t measure up,” said the baker, deadpan.
“You’re such a drain on me,” said the plumber, plunging into the sea.
“I knew that would get a rise out of him,” the baker said, rolling over to cook his back in the warm sun.
The pro bowler, adjusting the frames of his glasses, noticed the split between the two men he thought of as pinheads.
“Please spare us,” said the bowler, “you don’t strike me as hostile…”
The architect surveyed the baker and the plumber, two pillars of the community, and tried to give them support. He shot the archer nearby a look.
“The baker has a point,” said the archer.
“But why must he needle the plumber like that?” asked the tailor, hemming and hawing.
“Oh, oh!” the plumber cried, wrenching in pain, his face growing flushed.
“Why is he yelling?” the shepherd asked, sheepishly.
“The plumber’s goose may be cooked,” the baker cried with mixed emotions.
The tailor was the next to realize that the plumber was hanging on by a thread.
“Save him,” the banker shrieked with interest, hoping the plumber would soon be safe.
“Help!” the plumber charged, his throat clogged.
“Someone should help him,” screamed the fireman, alarmed.
“He’s blue,” the singer noted, joining the chorus of onlookers.
The baker brushed by the painter and the dentist, swam quickly to the plumber and dragged him ashore with relish.
He cleared the plumber’s pipes.
“Tanks,” said the plumber, spouting off.
“Donut mention it,” said the baker, sweetly.

 

 

 

 

One lazy Sunday morning the wife and Impish were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when Impish said to her unexpectedly,

“When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately.”

“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” Mrs. Dragon asked.

“I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other asshole using my stuff.”

She looked at Impish intently and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?”

Speaking of our fearful (of Mrs. Dragon) leader, it’s been a while since I posted a LIVE candid of him on a casual Friday at the office off the hidden security cam in his private lair. I figure its high time we corrected this oversight and so with a couple of mouse clicks…Eureka!

and suddenly I remember why it’s been so long and why it’s going to be even longer until the next LIVE candid of him!

 

 

 

 

Here is a picture of the apparently well satisfied wife which allegedly accompanied the article:

Ah huh, as DragonLaffs’ resident Doctor of Quackery, I think I see the problem. I’ll need to see her privately three nights a week for six months in a four star luxury suite to confirm my diagnosis however.

 

These sound so good! Heaven help us…LOL!

1/2 bag frozen tater tots, about 40 pieces
1 pound sliced, lean bacon, about 20 slices

Preheat oven to 425.

Cut bacon strips in half making 2 equal size pieces, about 4 inches each.

(If you place each slice on a cutting board and run the back of the knife along it you can flatten and stretch the bacon so you can probably get three tots per piece)

Place a tater tot on the end of the half-strip of bacon and roll it around the tot, slightly overlapping by 1/2 inch. Cut off any excess bacon. Pierce with a toothpick and place bacon wrapped tot on a baking sheet. Bake until the bacon is crispy, about 15-20 minutes.

I put them on a wire rack so the grease drains while they bake. This also seems of cause them to be done closer to the 15 min mark too.

Leprechaun’s Hint:

Soak toothpicks in a bowl of water before sticking into the tots and hot oven.

  BE sure cardiologist Emergency Room and 911 are all on speed dialer then bid a fond fair thee well the the view of your toes before eating these.

Career Choice

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A Bible…
2. A silver dollar…
3. A bottle of whisky…
4. And a Playboy magazine…

‘I’ll just hide behind the door,’ the old preacher said to himself. ‘When he comes home from school today, I’ll see which object he picks up.

If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a Blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he’s going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.’
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table…
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month’s centerfold.

‘Lord have mercy,’ the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
‘He’s gonna run for Congress!’

I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 5-year-old goddaughter and I asked her, “What day is tomorrow?”
She said “It’s President’s Day!”
She is a smart kid. So, I asked “What does President’s Day mean?” I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln … etc.
She replied, “President’s Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment.”
You know, it hurts when coffee spurts out your nose…

Speaking of Obama….

Teacher Arrested

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy
International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of
a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning
press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a
member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
‘Al-Gebra is a problem for us’, the Attorney General said.. ‘They
derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in
search of absolute values.’ They use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and
refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every
country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘There are 3 sides to
every triangle’.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, ‘If God
had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.’ White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President – It is
believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

Since I don’t have to say or add anything to this Last word  again I’m sneaking out of here while you read it. Friday please post the closing credits for me and then when they are done show the readers out please. Then join me in the hanger I’ll have the G-5 warming up for our little weekend get away… I mean fact finding trip!

When will Obama crack in public?

Posted: April 19, 2011 by Mychal Massie

At a time when many Americans can barely afford Burger King and a movie, Obama boasts of spending a billion dollars on his re-election campaign. Questioned at a recent appearance about the spiraling fuel costs, Obama said, “Get used to it” – and with an insouciant grin and chortle, he told another person at the event, who complained about the effect high fuel prices were having on his family, to “get a more fuel-efficient car.”

The Obamas behave as if they were sharecroppers living in a trailer and hit the Powerball, but instead of getting new tires for their trailer and a new pickup truck, they moved to Washington. And instead of making possum pie, with goats and chickens in the front yard, they’re spending and living large at taxpayer expense – opulent vacations, gala balls, resplendent dinners and exclusive command performances at the White House, grand date nights, golf, basketball, more golf, exclusive resorts and still more golf.

Expensive, ill-fitting and ill-chosen wigs and fashions hardly befit the first lady of the United States. The Obamas have behaved in every way but presidential – which is why it’s so offensive when we hear Obama say, in order “to restore fiscal responsibility, we all need to share in the sacrifice – but we don’t have to sacrifice the America we believe in.”

The American people have been sacrificing; it is he and his family who are behaving as if they’ve never had two nickels to rub together – and now, having hit the mother lode, they’re going to spend away their feelings of inadequacy at the taxpayers’ expense.
Obama continues to exhibit behavior that, at best, can be described as mobocratic and, at worst, reveals a deeply damaged individual. In a February 2010 column, I asked, “Is Obama unraveling?” I wrote that it was beginning to appear the growing mistrust of him and contempt for his policies was beginning to have a destabilizing effect on him.

At that time, I wrote that not having things go one’s way can be a bitter pill, but reasonable people don’t behave as he was behaving. He had insulted Republicans at their luncheon, where he had been an invited guest. I had speculated that was, in part, what had led him to falsely accuse Supreme Court justices before Congress, the nation and the world, during the 2010 State of the Union address.

It appeared, at that time, as if he were “fraying around the emotional edges.” That behavior has not abated – it has become more pronounced.. While addressing the nation, after being forced to explain the validity of his unilateral aggression with Libya, America witnessed a petulant individual scowling and scolding the public for daring to insist he explain his actions.

But during an afternoon speech to address the budget/debt, he took his scornful, unstable despotic behavior to depths that should give the nation cause for concern. Displaying a dark psychopathy more representative of an episode of “The Tudors” television series, he invited Rep. Paul Ryan, R-Wis., to sit in the front row during his speech and then proceeded to berate both Ryan and Ryan’s budget-cutting plan. Even liberal Democrats were put off by the act. MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough questioned the sanity of Obama’s actions.

Today, criticism is coming from all sides. A senior Democrat lawmaker said, “I have been very disappointed in [Obama], to the point where I’m embarrassed that I endorsed him. It’s so bad that some of us are thinking, is there some way we can replace him? How do you get rid of this guy?” (“Democrats’ Disgust with Obama,” The Daily Beast, April 15, 2011)

Steve McCann wrote: Obama’s speech “was chock full of lies, deceit and crass fear-mongering. It must be said that [he] is the most dishonest, deceitful and mendacious person in a position of power I have ever witnessed” (“The Mendacity of Barack Obama,” AmericanThinker.com, April 15, 2011).

McCann continued: “[His] performance was the culmination of four years of outright lies and narcissism that have been largely ignored by the media, including some in the conservative press and political class who are loath to call [him] what he is in the bluntest of terms: a liar and a fraud. That he relies on his skin color to intimidate, either outright or by insinuation [against] those who oppose his radical agenda only add to his audacity. It is apparent that he has gotten away with his character flaws his entire life, aided and abetted by sycophants around him. …”

With these being among the kinder rebukes being directed at Obama, and with people becoming less intimidated by his willingness to use race as a bludgeon, with falling poll numbers in every meaningful category and an increasingly aggressive tea-party opposition – how much longer before he cracks completely?

The coming months of political life are not going to be pleasant for Obama. Possessed by a self-perceived palatine mindset, that in his mind places him above criticism, how long before he cracks in public? Can America risk a man with a documented track record of lying and misrepresenting truth as a basic way of life, who is becoming increasingly more contumelious?

Mychal Massie is chairman of the National Leadership Network of Black Conservatives-Project 21 – a conservative black think tank located in Washington, D.C. He was recognized as the 2008 Conservative Man of the Year by the Conservative Party of Suffolk County, N.Y. He is a nationally recognized political activist, pundit and columnist. He has appeared on Fox News Channel, CNN, MSNBC, C-SPAN, NBC, Comcast Cable and talk radio programming nationwide. A former self-employed business owner of more than 30 years, Massie can be followed at mychal-massie.com.

OK so I did think of one last thing to say, a warning to those Democrats and Liberals who are now foaming at the mouth and madly scrolling to locate the comment link:

Heed our warning! We welcome opposing view points if they are couched in facts ands truth not spun of bullshit and misquotes! A few of you are already in danger of being permanently muzzled for this and I have no compunction against making any other Dems or libs who try baffling us with bullshit look like lying ignorant clueless asses.

What? Are you STILL reading this?! The bloody issue is done! Leave! Go Away! Get a life! No you can’t have any Brown Gold! Friday call security!

Good Morning Campers! 
Is it just me, or does it feel like today is the fourth Monday this week?  Getting older sucks.  It sucks
for many
reasons, but the main reason today is that the older you get the more friends you have that pass away.   
I’m not to the point yet that I have many friends passing away from old age, but I do have friends that are moving on for other reasons. 
I just had a dear friend pass away at a very young age from renal cancer.  I worked with this guy when I was a dispatcher for the State Police.  He always had a smile on his face.  I can’t remember a time ever when he didn’t.  We shared a love of books and I can remember when the Kindle first came out how excited he was.  I normally followed him on shift and I can remember the night I came in and he practically shouted at me, “You’ve got to look at this!  This thing holds like a thousand books!  I could carry my whole library with me, well most of if, anyway, and you can read newspapers and you can download books wherever you are!”  He was so excited.
I wonder sometimes, what books he might have left unread.
I wonder when I go, whether I will have managed to read all the books that I want to read?  Probably not.

I guess what all this rambling this morning is all about is that you’ve got to take the time now, to do what makes you happy.  Take time now to laugh, to read, to play with the kids.

Life is too short.

Start your day with a laugh with Dragon Laffs and carry that attitude around with you all day.  Conquer the bull-shit with laughter!
We’ll give you the stuff to be angry about, too.  But, be angry in a positive way.  I know it’s hard, but it makes sense if you try.  If you are a regular reader of DL, you know what I’m talking about.

Now, let’s get this day started the right way…

Not that we’re starting a tradition here or anything, but let’s start out today with a couple of groaners…this time from our good friend and fellow camper Zack

Q: What rock group has four men who don’t sing?
A: Mount Rushmore.
Q: Why didn’t the oyster share the profits from his pearl?
A: He was shellfish.

Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?

A: Because it had the drumsticks.

Q: What does a dancer like to drink?

A: Tap Water

10 Peanuts Characters You’ve Probably Forgotten (Or Didn’t Know About)
Submitted by: K²

1. 555 95472

One of the most bizarre characters in the Peanuts universe was “555 95472,” or “5” for short. Introduced in September 1963, 5 explained that his father was so upset about people being seen as “just a number,” he renamed the entire family as a series of digits. The family’s last name is taken from their ZIP Code, though when spoken, 5 insists there’s an accent on the 4. The ZIP Code, by the way, is the real one for Sebastopol, California, where Charles Schulz lived at the time. 5’s sisters 3 and 4 made a few appearances in the strip before disappearing, but 5 was occasionally a background character until 1981. You’ve probably seen 3, 4, and 5 already and didn’t even know it—all three appear in the famous dance sequence in A Charlie Brown Christmas. 3 and 4 are the twin girls in purple dresses, while 5 is the spiky-haired kid in orange. 2. Charlotte Braun Charlotte Braun was written as a female version of Charlie Brown. In fact, she looked just like him, except she had curly hair. She, too, was ostracized by her peers, but it was because she was loud and obnoxious, a fact she constantly pointed out during her appearances in the comic strip. Shortly after her introduction in 1954, Schulz received a letter from Elizabeth Swain, a young fan in Pittsburgh, who told him to get rid of Braun because Swain found the character annoying and unfunny. Schulz wrote Swain a letter (which is now in the Library of Congress) saying that he would soon “discard” Braun as requested. He added a touch of dark humor by saying that Swain would “have the death of an innocent child on your conscience. Are you prepared to accept such responsibility?” Next to his signature, he included a sketch of Charlotte Braun with an ax stuck in her head. Braun showed up in the comic one more time, but then never returned. 3. Snoopy’s Fiancée (Genevieve) After disappearing one night, Snoopy returns in the morning to say he has met the “beagle of his dreams” and he’s getting married. But on the day of the nuptials, Snoopy’s fiancée runs off with Snoopy’s brother, Spike, who was set to be the Best Beagle at the ceremony. Soon after, a heartbroken Snoopy receives a letter from Spike saying that his ex-fiancée ran off with a coyote. Snoopy’s fiancée was never seen in the comic strip. But when the storyline became the basis for the 1985 TV special, Snoopy’s Getting Married, Charlie Brown, she’s both seen and given a name—Genevieve. A few other changes were made as well – instead of a beagle she’s a poodle, and she doesn’t run off with Spike, but with a golden retriever. 4. Tapioca Pudding When Tapioca Pudding was introduced in September 1986, she said that, with her blond hair, smile, and catchy name, her father believes they could make a million dollars by licensing her image for products like t-shirts, lunch boxes, and greeting cards. It’s all she ever talked about. Tapioca was a jab at the many cartoon characters in the 1980s created purely to be licensed for use on products. Her name, as well as other hints throughout the storyline, suggest that the real target of Schulz’s satire was probably Strawberry Shortcake, a character originally featured on a line of greeting cards. When the cards became big sellers, 32 similar food-themed cartoon friends were created and appeared on everything from toys to clothing to a Saturday morning cartoon. 5. Shut Up and Leave Me Alone When the Peanuts gang attended summer camp in 1971, Charlie Brown introduced himself to his tentmate, a boy sitting on a cot, with his back to the reader. “Shut up and leave me alone,” he responded. Throughout this series of summer camp strips, Charlie Brown repeatedly tried to get his tentmate to come to lunch, to join him at an astronomy lesson, or to meet Peppermint Patty. But the kid never moved, and all he ever says is, “Shut up and leave me alone.” Despite the cold shoulder, Charlie Brown writes to his tentmate after camp is over. He’s surprised to get a letter back, but the single sentence reply is entirely predictable. 6. The Goose Eggs After Charlie Brown took a bite out of his old nemesis, the Kite-Eating Tree, he received a stern letter from the Environmental Protection Agency. Convinced he’s headed to jail, Charlie Brown went on the lam. He met a group of Little Leaguers—Austin, Ruby, Leland and Milo—who asked him to coach their team, The Goose Eggs. The kids are young and small—the catcher’s mask completely covers Leland’s head, Milo can’t even lift the bat to swing it, and Austin asks how he’s supposed to get down from the pitcher’s mound—so they’re underdogs to be sure. Of course their first game is against Charlie Brown’s friends, who refuse to play because they’re afraid they’ll step on the little kids. It’s here that Charlie Brown learns he can go back home, as the evidence against him was destroyed when the Kite-Eating Tree blew over in a storm. 7. Truffles While hunting for truffles in the countryside, Snoopy and Linus found the next best thing—a young girl named Truffles, who was visiting her grandfather’s farm. Linus instantly likes her, but he can’t find his way back to the farm to see her again. They talk on the phone a few times, but Truffles soon goes back home and they lose touch. Then, in 1977, Linus went back to the farm where he met Truffles, and the two picked up where they left off. Sally was jealous and the girls start arguing. Unwilling to be part of the squabble, Linus climbed to the roof of the barn, but was too scared to come down. So Sally hired Woodstock and Snoopy—who can fly by spinning his ears like helicopter blades—to rescue her “Sweet Babboo.” Sadly, Truffles was never seen again. 8. Emily In February 1995, Charlie Brown met a girl named Emily who asked him to be her partner in a dance class. After they shared an “enchanted afternoon,” Charlie Brown was smitten. But at the next class, Emily was absent. When Charlie Brown asked the instructor where Emily is, he’s told there’s no one by that name in the class. It turns out Charlie Brown was dancing alone and talking to himself the whole time; Emily was merely a figment of his lonely imagination. Emily and Charlie Brown danced again in 1996 and 1999. There was never any mention of her being imaginary, and in one instance, Snoopy even joins them. But with no other characters meeting her – and Snoopy having a pretty wild imagination himself – many fans believe that Emily never actually existed. 9. Peggy Jean Charlie Brown and his girlfriend, Peggy Jean, met on the boat docks at summer camp in 1990. Peggy Jean gave Charlie Brown his first kiss, said she loved him, and wrote letters to him after camp was over. Sadly, he never received those letters. That’s because upon meeting her, he was so nervous that he introduced himself as “Brownie Charles,” a mistake he was too embarrassed to correct. So when the mailman tried to deliver Peggy Jean’s letters, Sally turned them away, saying no one by that name lived at the address. After appearing periodically for many years, the last Peggy Jean comic was on July 11, 1999, when the two met on the docks at summer camp once again. But this time, Peggy Jean told Charlie Brown she can’t stay because she had to go meet her boyfriend. Devastated, Charlie Brown used a pay phone to call the one friend he could always count on—Snoopy. 10. Joe Shlabotnik It’s fitting that Charlie Brown’s favorite baseball player would be a guy whose career was anything but spectacular. After batting .004 in one season in the majors, Joe Shlabotnik was sent back down to the minor leagues, where his most notable highlight was throwing out a runner who’d fallen down between first and second base. When Shlabotnik became the manager for the Waffletown Syrups, Charlie Brown finally got to meet his hero. While in the stands, Charlie Brown snagged a foul ball, and he wanted Shlabotnik to sign it. Unfortunately, Shlabotnik had been fired in the middle of the game. By the way, don’t bother looking for pictures of Shlabotnik. Like all adults, he’s never actually seen.

Do you have the right time on your computer?

Check by clicking on the link.

http://www.asriran.com/files/fa/news/1389/8/16/155486_922.swf

How about a couple of puns from the queen of pun herself….Diaman:

Cholesterophobia: The fear of frying.

I was against the construction of tennis courts in a nearby park as
I thought they would cause too much racket.

My hematologist said my outlook is good since I’m a B Positive type.

The lesson of the day is don’t get caught downrange from a .50 BMG !

Caliber Effectiveness!

http://www.thesniper.us/?p=8748

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director was in urgent need of looking for a replacement.

A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They tested him.

They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said: “It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.”
“That’s correct”, said the boss.

Another glass.
“It’s red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels.”
“Correct.”

A third glass.
”It’s champagne, high grade and exclusive” calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.
“It’s a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month and if you don’t give me the job…….
I’ll name the father!”

An ant knocks on the door of a house. The house owner opens the door.
“I want a place to stay,” said the ant. “I have a vacant room which you 
can occupy for free of cost,” said the owner.
The ant went inside and occupied the vacant room.
After some days, the ant brought in another ant and requested to 
the owner, “Can you please allow this ant to stay with me?”
“Oh sure, you can do so without paying any rent,” said the owner.
After some days the ant brought one more ant and requested the 
owner to allow the ant to stay with it.
The owner agreed to it without asking for any rent.
This continued as the ant brings in one more and and the owner agrees 
for it.
One fine day, the ant brought in a tenth ant and requested the owner 
to allow him also to stay with it.
The owner said, “OK, you can all stay here but you all need to pay rent.”
Now the question is: Why did the owner ask for rent when the last ant 
came in?
        Because they are now tenants! (insert drum roll here!!!!!!)

Thought for the day. 

 

:

After the Packers/Bills game, Buffalo released quarterback Trent Edwards.

During the Packers/Eagles game, the Packers injured Philadelphia quarterback Kevin Kolb.

Philadelphia then had to play backup quarterback Michael Vick.

During a playoff game against the Eagles, the Packers injured Michael Vick and another backup was needed.

After the Packers/Cowboys game, Dallas fired Wade Phillips.

After the Packers/Vikings game, Minnesota fired Brad Childress.

Four weeks after losing to the Packers, the 49er’s coach Mike Singletary was fired and replaced.

During the Bears Playoff game, the Packers injured Jay Cutler and backup Todd Collins forcing the Bears to go with 3rd string quarterback Caleb Hanie.

Question:  Is it just me or did the Packers create more jobs than Obama last year?

 

It was way too much fun working with you, Mike in a job that was probably the craziest, most fun, most satisfying job I’ve ever had.  Every single day, when we went home, we felt like we had done something.  You were a good teacher and a great friend.  Thank you for touching my life.  You are now 10-42, rest in peace my friend.

 

 

Yup yesterday was Molly’s birthday. Impish and I walked a fine line with her birthday announcement but we managed to survive relatively unscathed. My thanks to Impish for helping out with that little birthday wish.

Her favorite birthday present received was a 32 oz. jug of pure grade A extra Dark Vermont Maple Syrup which arrived in the mail from my family in Connecticut Monday. I got thrown to the wolves in terms of dinner Monday night as a result of it’s arrival as she immediately and somewhat frantically set about making French toast to consume it over. That is once she was over her orgasmic moment of taking the freshly opened jug and sticking an iced tea spoon in it and then licking it clean.

Well the unseasonable oppressive heat is supposed to finally break today as a “major cold front” pushes on through the area. I plain language that means the mercury only hits 88 today for me before going back to 90+ tomorrow when the sun returns. think maybe I’ll take advantage of it by grilling up a few items while its semi cool out today. When its 95 on the patio in the shade it just too dang hot to play with the grill, unless  that is I want to come in looking like a piece of Leprechaun jerky.

OK enough of my prattling on already!

 

Grab Your cup of Coffee and LET’S LAUGH!

See? I even made a fresh pot!

 

 

Pilgrimages to Bin Laden’s grave have started

Polite Dinner

There are two polite people having dinner together. On the table there is a dish with one big piece of fish and one small piece of fish.
They politely say to each other: “You may choose first.”
“No, you may choose first.”
And this goes on for a while.
Then the first person says: “OK, I’ll take first.”
And he takes the BIG piece of fish.
The second person: “Why did you take the big piece? That’s not polite!”
The first person says: “Which piece would *you* have taken?”
The second person replies: “Why, I would have taken the SMALL piece, of course.”
The first person says: “Well, that’s what you have now!”

A rich man was having a house built on a large piece of land.
He told the architect, “Please don’t disturb that tree over there because under that tree is where I had my first sex.”
“How sentimental,” said the architect.
“Yes, and don’t touch that tree over there, either, because that’s where her mother stood watching us.”
“Her mother watched?!” gasped the astonished architect. “What did she say?”
“Baaaaaa!”

Why We Never Let Impish do the Hiring at DragonLaffs Despite Being the C.E.D.

See what I mean?

 

Before his untimely death at the age of 55, Arthur had worked for 30 years as a waiter in a posh restaurant in San Francisco. Soon after he passed away, his widow fulfilled her promise to attempt to contact him, with the assistance of a psychic.

During the séance, the widow was sure she saw Arthur standing in the corner, dressed in his waiter’s uniform.

“Honey!” she cried. “Come closer and speak to me!”

A hoarse voice from the corner replied, “I can’t.”

“Why not?” asked the widow.

“It’s not my table,” said Arthur.

Paraprosdokians

[Paraprosdokians] Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation. Example: “Where there’s a will, I want to be in it,” is a type of paraprosdokian.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. (or a liberal!) He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. (Besides arguing with an idiot liberal [oops if I ‘forget’ a slash there?] is a lot like trying to teach a pig to sing. It frustrates you and wastes your time while annoying the hell out of the pig!)

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list. (unless you’re the Dragon then its third or fourth)

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. (We get a LOT of people here that prove this, especially the liberals)

4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong. (Better you agree with us here at DragonLaffs and then we’ll all be right!)

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. (DragonLaffs readers and Impish Dragon specifically excluded from this observation.)

6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left. (Not to mention who had the coolest, most destructive toys and the biggest military technology budget)

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. (BTW wisdom is ALSO keeping your fruit out of my salsa which is essentially a chopped tomato salad!)

8. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t. (And if its FOXNEWS never let you get a word in of an opposing view point about it either!)

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. (to turn around and then sell it to the highest bidder is Industrial Espionage and very profitable)

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. (and its where all Impish Dragon’s work stops.)

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks. (Working for myself and for Dragon Laffs turns out I got neither, plus  a pair of S.O.B.s for bosses.)

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’ (You can Never get a Doctor on the phone in a hurry. I put ‘the closest sober person to me with medical training who isn’t Impish Dragon’ on mine.)

13. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. (Sound upper management and political practice on both sides of the aisle right there)

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. (Britney Spears came close to prove this one true.)

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. (&/or a twitter account showing his penis to her)

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory. (That fuzzy memory is a sign of too much imbibing, a political career in danger or a combination thereof)

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. (Amateur! You steal a million dollars, buy a top of the line bike, then you ask for forgiveness. That way you wind up with your bike, $990 Thousand plus in profit and the forgiveness!)

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. (Parachutes are of course strictly optional for current U.S. Presidents, members of Congress, Democrats, Liberal, Politicians in General, Lawyers and Impish Dragon who seems to enjoy doing a face plant at 200 mph from 20,000 feet judging by the number of times he’s done it since I’ve known him)

19. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. (Same goes for love, money cannot buy love, but if you have enough money I know tons of women willing to rent their love too you!)

20. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away. (Yeah that last part is what Impish likes to call foreplay.)

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure. (Delegate decisions to underlings so you can blame and sacrifice them when things go wrong or get discovered. It’s called plausible deniability and is part and parcel to our political & management systems)

22. You’re never too old to learn something stupid. (Or, looking at our politicians and their dumb ass sex scandals, apparently never to old to practice that stupidity you learned either.)

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. (If you have to actually aim at a specific object to be sure to hit it, you’re not using a large enough weapon. How large a weapon is large enough? If it leaves enough of the target behind to determine if you hit it then you need a larger weapon. I have just to words: ‘Area Effect’ )

24. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be. (That’s because times are not what they used to be. Who wants to look back and will fondly recall all the crap that’s going on presently? If things ever manage to sink so low that this is fondly recalled as the good old days I hope I am long dead and buried!)

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. (Or from Politicians, in particular Obama)

26. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. (I know a LOT of people who are capable of putting on a FAR more convincing act as a car than they are as a Christian)

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip. (bullshit! that’s an Irishman with the gift o’ the Blarney stone!!)

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were. (Hell if you’re that good at being insincere put your skill to works for you and make some money with it! Open a B & B, go into politics, become a news reporter or a televangelist!)

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lime, and a shot of tequila. (Just remember..One Tequila, two tequila, three tequila…floor!)

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. (so fight fire with napalm, its WAY harder to put out! better yet follow the example of the guys that put out oil wells use high explosives!)

WANT SOME GOOD OLD ENTERTAINMENT?

SELECT YOUR CHOICE AND ENJOY

JUST CLICK ON A DATE AND SIT BACK AND ENJOY. This is awesome, pick out one of your favorites from below and give it a try…

1. JACKIE GLEASON ON THE ROCKY MARCIANO SHOW THE MAIN EVENT (1960)

2. JAMES DEAN: HIS FINAL TV APPEARANCE (1954)

3. ELVIS SINGS BLUE SUEDE SHOES (1956)

4. A TRIBUTE TO ELVIS PRESLEY, THE KING OF ROCK & ROLL (1959-62)

5. THE EDSEL INTRODUCED ON NBC (1957)

6. BOBBY DARIN’S “MACK THE KNIFE” (1959)

7. WESTINGHOUSE DEBUTS HI-TECH “ADVANCED TV” (1951)

8. WILLIAM BENDIX AS LOVABLE

CHESTER A. RILEY (1956)

9. ICONS I: WHAT MADE 50’S TV GOLDEN(COMPILATION, (1952-60)

10. THE PATTI PAGE SHOW (1958)

11. BLOOPERS FROM THE HONEYMOONERS (1957-58)

12. THE CENSORED JERRY LEE LEWIS HERE UNCENSORED! (1957-59)

13. A TRUE 50’s DOO WOP TV CLASSIC (1958)

14. FAMILY AFFAIR (1966)

15. ALAN FREED’S BIG BEAT DANCE PARTY DANCERS (1959)

16. THE STEVE ALLEN SHOW (1957)

17. The Inventor Of TV Sketch Comedy ERNIE KOVACS(1954)

18. THE RED SKELTON SHOW (1959)

19. ICONS: THE DELINQUENCY RAMPAGE!(COMPILATION, 1957-60)

20. FATHER KNOWS BEST (1953)

21. PETTICOAT JUNCTION (1962)

22. OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST BOB MATTHIAS(1956)

23. DANCES OF THE 1950’s: THE HAND JIVE (1957)

24. GROUCHO MARX YOU BET YOUR LIFE (1959)

25. DRAGNET (1959)

26. THE IMMORTAL MUSICAL COMEDY OF VICTOR BORGE 1951

27. EDDIE FISHER SINGS A MEDLEY OF HIS BIGGEST HITS 1953

28. ABBOTT & COSTELLO: WHO’S ON FIRST? 1951

29. MORE DANCES OF THE 1950’s THE JITTERBUG1958

30. THE HONEYMOONERS … IN COLOR! 1969

31. THE ORIGINAL FLASH GORDON SERIAL theatres-1939; TV-1960’s

32. THE LONE RANGER 1955

33. THE ENDEARING GRIMACES OF EDDIE CANTOR1952

34. BOBBY DARIN NERVOUSLY HOSTS A BEAUTY CONTEST 1957

35. MORE DANCES OF THE 1950’s: THE LINDY HOP1959

36. SHAKE, BABY, SHAKE! IT’S THE KILLER AGAIN!1958

37. THE DANNY THOMAS SHOW 1958

38. SID CAESAR: YOUR SHOW OF SHOWS 1957

39. HERE COMES TOBOR! 1954

40. THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN 1954

41. THE ADVENTURES OF FLIPPER 1964

42. SPIKE JONES 1951

43. CAPTAIN VIDEO & HIS VIDEO RANGERS 1950

44. THE LIBERACE SHOW 1952

45. MEDIC 1954

46. THE BIG VALLEY 1965

47. THE ROOTS OF TV BASEBALL 1950-57

48. Mc HALE’S NAVY 1962

49. HOPALONG CASSIDY 1952

50. DARK SHADOWS 1966

51. FADS & FANCIES OF THE 50s & 60s

52. I LOVE LUCY 1952

53. THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW 1962

54. THE BEATLES FIRST TELEVISION APPEARANCE1963

55. BAT MASTERSON 1958

56. MARTY ROBBINS ON THE JOHNNY CASH SHOW1964

57. FRANK SINATRA SPEAKS CANDIDLY 1954

58. PASSWORD 1962

59. STAR TREK TV ON DEMAND 1966-present

60. MORE DANCES OF THE 50’s: THE SWINGBACK1958

61. THE LIVE TV FRIDGE COMMERCIAL CATASTROPHE 1954

62. THE ARTHUR GODFREY SHOW 1957

63. BUILDING THE 1958 DODGE 1957

64. FIGHT CLASSIC: ROCKY MARCIANO vs. JERSEY JOE WALCOTT 1952

65. AND MORE GREAT ICONS OF THE 50’s VOL III1952-59

66. ALFRED HITCHCOCK PRESENTS 1959

67. SATURDAY NIGHTLIVE~~ BEFORE SNL 1954-58

68. FELIX THE CAT 1959

69. THE DONNA REED SHOW 1958

70. THE GOLDBERGS 1952

71. LUCILLE BALL & CAROL BURNETT 1965

72. THE LITTLE RASCALS 1955

73. HIGHWAY PATROL 1956

74. LOST IN SPACE 1966

75. BEULAH 1951

76. BEWITCHED 1966

77. I DREAM OF JEANIE 1966

78. SEA HUNT 1957

79. DYNAMITE JOE RINDONE 1954

80. THE MILTON BERLE SHOW 1957

 

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.”

The father asked, ‘Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?”
The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.” The next day the grandmother died. “Holy crap” thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: “God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.” He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said “I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?”

He said “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”

She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me.
This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!”

 

After both suffering depression for a while, me and the wife were going
to commit suicide yesterday.

But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot
better, so I thought Fuck it, I’ll soldier on..!

 

 

Crybaby Liberal Pundit Rips Off Mic, Storms Off Fox News Set

http://www.breitbart.tv/crybaby-liberal-pundit-rips-off-mic-storms-off-fox-news-set/

Ok pay attention now Liberal loonies and deluded Democrats… I think this guy handled the situation exactly right and with a great deal of class. Fox has a notorious reputation for not allowing the opposing view point to get 2 words in edge-wise in rebuttal. The only mistake the guy made was agreeing to be on a FOXNEWS show at all.

However, that’s not my point here. My point is that while its true the Dems do take there ball and go home spouting dire predictions of death and apocalypse, the Republicans are just as guilty when it comes to their rigid inflexibility on the issues of SS and MC. As long as Democrats remain so stiff necked and the Republicans continue their bullyboy “its my way or the highway” tactics there is no way for any solution will be found to a very serious and looming crisis.

Personally I think we ought to put a private word in with the Capitol & DC police, the FBI and the Secret Service, then call a combined session of Congress and lock them in with a bottle of water and a power bar each. No A/C, laptops, cell phones, PDAs, internet, staff, aides or congressional pages. No coffee, smoke, bathroom or lunch breaks.

Just an enforced-by-the-people (you remember the people don’t you Congress? You know, as in ‘government of the people, by the people, for the people’? OR maybe you know them better as the one you bamboozle, baffle with lies and outright bullshit to get those cushy jobs every few years!) round the clock session until they arrive at a workable Social Security and Medicare fixing compromise and pass it .

Oh yeah, and for extra motivation for them not to keep us waiting? We’re going to start going through all these personal electronic devices, laptops, Day planners etc. looking for things that prove they belong right beside Weiner in the ‘previously employed in politics’ line at unemployment. Then we’ll just hand feed them right to the shark-like media pool covering the event just waiting for an opportunity for a sound byte. To be fair about it, we’ll do both parties simultaneously, starting with the most senior congressional members and working our way down the seniority ladder.

Got motivation that is in your party’s and your own personal best interest now, bitches?

 

And we’re pissed!

Good Morning Campers!  And what a fine morning it is, too!  We have a lot to go over this morning, so let’s lead off with something that is near and dear to all of our hearts…. a birthday!

Today is Molly’s Birthday!  Who’s Molly?  Wow, you really aren’t paying any attention, are you?
  Molly is the better half (actually, the MUCH better half) of Lethal Leprechaun.  To the left, you will see a picture of Molly that is a couple of years old.  According to Lethal, this is the last known picture that Molly sat still for.  Already the budding author, little did anyone know at that time what a future she had in store for her.  Now, to the right, you can see a picture of what Molly might look like today if a) She would allow a picture to be taken and 2) if anyone had the guts to try.  As to her age, after much consideration and discussion (as well as much ale and good cigars) amongst the Chief Executive Partnership of Impish and Lethal, it has been decided that neither one of us wish to have cockles or mussels alive, alive oh (or dead) inserted in any orifice in our anatomy.  Therefore, the most we’ll say on the subject is:

 

Such a nice way to start off the day.  Everyone come on up for cake, don’t push, there’s plenty for everyone.  Coffee urn is set up over on the side there.  No, sorry, it’s not the stuff that LL uses….yes, I know it’s better…yes I know you’d rather have that “Brown-Gold” stuff.
Sigh!
This is the best I have…just eat your cake, drink your coffee and be happy before I have to come over there and have YOU for breakfast!
Sheesh!
Some people!

Now, on with the laughter!

We’ll start the day right off with a real groaner courtesy of our dear camper Stephanie:

We took my sons, ages seven and five, up to Friendship Park for a picnic.
 
My seven year old read the sign with the playground rules to his brother.
 
“Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion.” “Go down the slide while sitting, only.” “Only one child on a swing at a time.” (There were a good twenty rules.)
 
The boys promised to obey them if I would let them play without Daddy standing by. So, I joined my wife at the picnic table.
 
Just before it was time to eat, I went over and watched them play. They were obeying the rules, that is, all but one. On the tall semicircular slide, they were coming down head first!
 
I took them over to the posted regulations. We read them, again. I asked the boys what they had to say for themselves.
 
“Oh, don’t be silly, Dad…no one uses the slide rule anymore!”

And here’s a couple of puns from our Queen of the Pun, Diaman:

Automobiles may have welded bodies, but there are still plenty of nuts in them.

 He had only a skeleton crew, and made no bones about it.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

This is so much fun.  I know that in the distant past we’ve used this before, but it’s well worth bringing round again.  Here’s the write up that K² sent along with the clip:

Believe it or not, all of the statistics in the lyrics are
Accurate. Turn up the sound . This clever piece originated in
Australia . It is so very well done most folks don’t realize
How much info he is sharing! Just click once on the link below
Photos by NASA. Enjoy Your Journey….!!!
http://dingo.care2.com/cards/flash/5409/galaxy.swf

Every person is a fool for at least five minutes every day…
wisdom consists of not exceeding the limit.

 

Here’s a couple of videos from the dragon’s private collection: 

Three Reasons To Quit Drinking

That’s gonna leave a mark…

 

Can’t see the movies?  Go to the website to view at http://dragonlaffs.com

I was baby-sitting my two grandchildren around suppertime and both
hands were submerged in hamburger when Rufus, the family dog,
barked at the door. I asked six-year-old Nathan to let him out,
and he did. A few minutes later Rufus barked to come back in,
and again I asked Nathan. He told me that the house rule is that
someone else has to do it. I told him his sister was too far to hear
me and politely reminded him that Rufus is his dog. As he stomped
past to let him in, he muttered, “He’s your granddog, you know!”

Mr. Double Talk Pranks Bridgestone Tour Team
http://www.dump.com/2011/06/06/mr-double-talk-pranks-bridgestone-tour-team-video/

Chooka Parker – Australia’s Got Talent 2011 (Audition)

Chooka Parker is a 16 year old self taught piano prodigy from a small country town in Australia. He makes up this song on the spot with no preparation.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sp5XzRnNyJ0

One of the coolest videos I’ve ever seen

Everything is possible…with training and practice

I brought a porn film home for me and my girlfriend to watch as she was saying we needed to spice up our sex life but when I told her it was a homemade movie involving a local girl and two guys, she told me to sit down as she had something important to tell me.

I can’t believe she’s had a twin sister all these years and she’s only telling me now.

At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children’s
world travels: one son was teaching in Boston,
another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was
completing a yearlong research project in India.

One co-worker’s quip, however, stopped me short. “What is
it about you,” he asked, “that makes your kids want to get so
far away?”

 

The Window from which we look


A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast,
The young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.
“That laundry is not very clean”, she said.
“She doesn’t know how to wash correctly.
Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry,
The young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a
Nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:

“Look, she has learned how to wash correctly.
I wonder who taught her this.”

The husband said, “I got up early this morning and
Cleaned our windows.”

And so it is with life. What we see when watching others
Depends on the purity of the window through which we look

Okay… I bow down to the master!  This has got to be the worst most incredible groaner of all time…

When former Vice President Hubert Humphrey was just starting in politics, the accepted way of meeting prospective voters and contributors was to organize afternoon teas and serve light refreshments. The idea had been used for a long time and it wasn’t as effective as it had been.
Hubert, always the innovator, kept trying new methods. He had a good friend in the actor, Alan Alda, who — in his spare time — managed a number of different entertainment groups.
One of the groups was a singing quartet, The Kingsmen. Hubert employed this singing group, as well as a second Alda group, several beautiful and amorous ladies from Norway, to spice up his parties. But it didn’t work.
The newspapers the next day headlined, “Alda’s cling Norses and Alda’s Kingsmen couldn’t put Humphrey’s dumb teas back to gather again.”

Okay, am I wrong, or does this guy make sense?

Get Radical: Raise Social Security

By THOMAS GEOGHEGAN

Published: June 19, 2011

AS a labor lawyer I cringe when Democrats talk of “saving” Social Security. We should not “save” it but raise it. Right now Social Security pays out 39 percent of the average worker’s preretirement earnings. While jaws may drop inside the Beltway, we could raise that to 50 percent. We’d still be near the bottom of the league of the world’s richest countries — but at least it would be a basement with some food and air. We have elderly people living on less than $10,000 a year. Is that what Democrats want to “save”?

“But we can’t afford it!” Oh, come on: We have a federal tax rate equal to nearly 15 percent of our G.D.P. — far below the take in most wealthy countries. Let’s wake up: the biggest crisis we face is that most of us have nothing meaningful saved for retirement. I know. I started my career wanting to be a pension lawyer. In the 1970s, lawyers like me expected there to be big pots of private pensions for hourly workers. By the 1980s, as factories closed, I was filing hopeless lawsuits to claw back bits and pieces of benefits. Now there are even fewer bits and pieces to get.

A recent Harris poll found that 34 percent of Americans have nothing saved for retirement — not even a hundred bucks. In this lost decade, that percentage is sure to go up. At retirement the lucky few with a 401(k) typically have $98,000. As an annuity that’s about $600 a month — not exactly an upper-middle-class lifestyle. It’s too late for Congress to come up with some new savings plan — a new I.R.A. that grows hair, or something. There’s no time. We have to improve the one public pension program in place. Should we means-test it? No. I don’t care if they go out and buy bottles of Jim Beam: let our elderly have an occasional night out at a restaurant.

The most paralyzing half-truth in this country is that people hate taxes. People are willing to pay taxes that they spend on themselves. Two-thirds of those surveyed in a CBS/New York Times poll in January were willing to pay more taxes to save Social Security at its modest level. To “save” it, most of us don’t need to pay. We could lift the cap on high earners, the 6 percent of workers who make over $106,800 a year. If earnings above the cap were subject to the payroll tax with no increase in benefits to high earners, there would be no deficit in the Social Security trust fund in 2037, as projected.

If people are willing to pay more just to “save” Social Security, they should be glad to pay more to raise it.

What does it take to get Social Security up to half the average worker’s earnings? According to the National Academy of Social Insurance, to close the deficit and raise benefits to nearly half of average worker earnings, we would need to find an additional 5 percent of taxable payroll, or find the money elsewhere. If we lift the cap on the payroll tax without paying more benefits to those above it, that gets us 2.32 percent (or a bit less if we slightly increase benefits to the rich). Dedicating revenues from the estate tax at its 2009 levels to Social Security gets another half percent. A few other tweaks, like covering new public employees, add another 0.42 percent. The remainder can be found by raising the payroll tax by roughly 1 percentage point for both employees and employers.

I can hear the argument: It will discourage jobs, blah, blah. While I sympathize with the health costs employers pay (I am an employer, at our tiny law firm), they have had a windfall on pensions. In 1975, when I left law school, around two-fifths of American workers were in defined-benefit plans. Now it’s just a fifth, and dropping. For employers, that’s not the real bonanza.

Retirees today are shortchanged on Social Security because they have been shortchanged on wages for their entire working lives. The labor economist Richard B. Freeman points out that the hourly earnings of workers dropped by 8 percent from 1973 to 2005 while productivity shot up 55 percent or more. The United States is one of the few developed countries where workers are routinely cheated of a share in higher productivity.

And where has the money from the extra productivity gone? It’s gone right to the top, to the top few percent. If wages had been paid fairly based on productivity, there would have been enough money subject to the payroll tax to avoid even a modest shortfall.

As I write, the Democrats are proposing to cut payroll taxes — supposedly to create jobs. But the last cut in the payroll tax, a few months back, led to little or no hiring. And did I mention the Paul Ryan plan? Just wait until the Democrats accept some “reasonable” version of this Republican document.

A bigger pension — a raise in Social Security benefits — is the stimulus this demoralized country needs. Come on, Democrats: think of F.D.R., Robert Wagner, or heck, even Lyndon B. Johnson. Let’s ask ourselves: Who are we for?

Like LL said the other day, I love it when a contributor does all the work…well, today, I was the contributor, or at least the finder of this article… I would love to hear some opinions on whether or not you think this would work.

That’s not my ass dragging, that’s all the ice I have crammed in my pockets to try and keep cool! Seriously, if this oppressive unseasonably high heat and humidity keeps up much longer I’ll no longer have any reason the restrain myself and behave as I will have totally lost all fear of hell!

What? My tablemates in hell consist of Michael Moore, Nancy Pelosi, Richard Simmons, Dr. Phil, Roseanne Barr, Barack Obama and Impish Dragon? Ok so maybe sweating and behaving isn’t so bad after all!

Besides after the unpleasant very sad news of another true musical talent passing this weekend I have yet another reason for making it to the Pearly gates, to see and hear a concert by the Heavenly Rock Band. BUT More on that in a few minutes

 

What’s coffee without a little breakfast ‘nosh?

It’s about 10 p.m. on a Wednesday night, and a guy sitting at a bar finishes his drink and is about ready to go home.

Before he gets a chance to walk out, the bartender says to him,
“Hey buddy,” why’re ya goin’ home so soon? I usually see you here until past midnight. Something wrong tonight?”

The guy responds,”No ain’t nothin’ wrong, just gotta sore butt from sittin’ on this bar stool for so long.”

“Buddy, I got just the thing for ya,” says the bartender as he’s reaching up to the top shelf behind the bar. He pulls down a bottle of pills, opens the bottle up, and hands the guy two white pills.

The guy looks at the pills in his hand and says, “What’re these, aspirin?”

“Nooo,” says the bartender….. “stool softener.”

Wisdom from Grandpa

– Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

– Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin’ his salt, that he forgets his sugar.

– Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

– When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

– If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, he will never turn into an old nag.

– On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past – but never the present.

– A foolish husband says to his wife, “Honey, you stick to the washin’, ironin’, cookin’, and scrubbin’. No wife of mine is gonna work.”

– The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.

– Many girls like to marry a military man – he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he’s already used to taking orders.

– Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.

– The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

– Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

– How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

– When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, remember about Algebra.

– I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

– One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

– Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

– Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don’t recognize you.

– If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.

I’ve learned to say this while sleeping in defense of Impish’s lengthy whinings.

 

 

E Street Band’s Clarence Clemons Dies at 69

The legendary saxophonist had suffered a stroke on June 12th

By Andy Greene June 18, 2011 2:59 PM ET

Clarence Clemons, the legendary saxophonist in the E Street Band who played alongside Bruce Springsteen for the past 40 years, died on June 18th. Clemons had suffered a massive stroke on June 12th. While initial signs had been hopeful after his hospitalization and two subsequent brain surgeries, he reportedly took a turn for the worse later in the week. He was 69.

Clemons – known affectionately to fan and friends as the Big Man – was the heart and soul of the E Street Band. His playing on tracks like “Born To Run,” “Thunder Road,” “Jungleland,” “Dancing In The Dark” and countless more represent some of the most famous sax work in the history of rock & roll. “The story I have told throughout my work life I could not have told as well without Clarence,” Springsteen wrote in the introduction to Clemons’ 2009 memoir Big Man: Real Life and Tall Tales.

Bruce Springsteen on Clarence Clemons: ‘His Loss is Immeasurable’

So much has been said and written about the stormy night in Asbury Park in 1971 when Clemons met Springsteen that it’s hard to separate fact from myth. At the time, Springsteen was a struggling musician playing the New Jersey bar circuit and Clemons was a former college football player who spent his nights playing sax in clubs along the shore. “It was raining and thundering like a motherfucker,” Clemons wrote in his memoir. “When I opened the door it blew off the hinges and flew down the street . . . Somebody introduced me to Bruce, everybody knew everybody, and he asked me if I wanted to sit in.”

Clemons soon became part of Springsteen’s backing band (not yet known as the E Street Band), and when Bruce recorded his debut LP Greetings From Asbury Park in the summer of 1972, Clemons was brought in for the sessions. Over the next two decades, Clemons became the most recognizable member of the E Street Band – for his massive size, equally huge personality and his onstage role as Springsteen’s foil.

He’s the only member of the band on the cover of Born To Run with Springsteen. “When you open it up and see Clarence and me together, the album begins to work its magic,” Springsteen wrote in Clemons’ memoir. “Who are these guys? Where did they come from? What is the joke they are sharing? A friendship and a narrative steeped in the complicated history of America begins to work and there is music already in the air.”

In the 1980s, Clemons began a second career as an actor, appearing in TV shows like Diff’rent Strokes and movies such as Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. He also scored a solo hit in 1985 with “You’re A Friend Of Mine,” a duet with Jackson Browne. He was on tour with Ringo Starr’s All Star Band in 1989 when Springsteen phoned him to say he was breaking up the band. “I didn’t speak or even attempt to interject,” Clemons wrote in his memoir. “I got very quiet and stopped smiling. In fact, it looked to Ringo like I was being told about somebody dying.”

The E Street Band reformed in 1999 and has been incredibly active ever since. Clemons loved being back on the road, even as he battled incredible pain with his knees, back and hips. Earlier this year, he played sax on two tracks on Lady Gaga’s new album Born This Way. He appears in the recently released video for “Edge of Glory,” and his final live performance was with Gaga on the season finale of American Idol.

Good bye Big Man, Rest in peace, you will be sorely missed by your fans. We take only small comfort in the knowledge that the heavenly horn section just got even cooler by your passing.

If you believe in forever
Then life is just a one-night stand
If there’s a rock and roll heaven
Well you know they’ve got a hell of a band,

Righteous Brothers – Rock And Roll Heaven

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a Hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for Dinner. After a while he started advancing on her when she
Stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man. “It’s o.k.,” He replied, “it’s written in the Bible.” So after a wild night of sex the hat check girl asked to see where in the
Bible it says it’s okay.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil – “The hat check girl puts out!”

A couple is driving along the freeway and the husband is bitching
and complaining about everything: The heat, the long drive, the
bad drivers, the country, etc.
His wife is getting tired of his depressing talk, so she says to
him: “For twenty years I’ve listened to your constant whining,
one more complaint and I’ll cut your penis off with my pen-
knife”.
About half an hour later, he starts complaining again and before
he could blink his wife pulls out her knife, slices the guy’s
dick off, and throws it out the window.
Driving behind the couple’s car is a family of three: husband,
wife, and 6-year-old daughter. The penis lands on their car’s
windshield, and the father, in an absolute panic, quickly turns
on the windshield wipers to get it off the windshield and out of
view of his daughter.
The observant daughter asks, “Daddy, what was that?”
Her father, still in a panic, says, “Oh, it was only a . . . uh .
. . a butterfly”.
“Wow!” replied the daughter. “Did you see the size of its dick?”

 

 

Porn publisher Larry Flynt offers job to Weiner

Larry Flynt, porn publisher and erstwhile snoop into the sex lives of politicians, has offered a job to disgraced former U.S. Congressman Anthony Weiner.

The actual publically made offer can be seen here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/larry-flynt/anthony-weiner-resigning-_b_878667.html

(quoting the offer)

We are a serious corporation which, as you know, has been heavily involved in the political environment of this country for over thirty-five years. Our key missions have consistently included the crucial fight of battling hypocrisy within the federal and state governments. Flynt Management Group, LLC and Hustler Magazine have been dedicated to decades of serious political commentary. Just as we do not undertake insincere political crusades, we do not make insincere job offers.

While this employment opportunity is being offered in large part due to your qualifications and clear passion for making a change, I feel that your unfortunate resignation is a prime example of unfounded political pressure and the hypocrisy that has invaded democracy in Washington D.C. I hope you will sincerely consider this offer, and I look forward to your response.

OMG I think I’m going to bust a rib laughing over this! Where do I even start? “While this employment opportunity is being offered in large part due to your qualifications and clear passion”  Yeah Larry I’d say he went to great “length” to demonstrate his “passion”.

I imagine Jon Stewart ( host of ‘The Daily Show with Jon Stewart’) should have a boat load of fun with that one!
Lets see if I can beat him to a couple of the jokes first.

I can see Weiner’s Hustler column now, ‘Washington Perverts Exposed’ or ‘De-panting the perverts of Politics’. How about ‘Weiner’s Briefs: How Does Your politician Measure Up?’

But seriously how can Flynt even expect weiner to consider the offer? He’d be evermore known in the annals ( or should that be anus?) of politics as the Sleazy Congressional Crotch shot specialist who when asked to leave before being humiliated and tossed out went to work for the Porn King who speicalized in shots of Sleazy crotches!

 Maybe Weiner should give ole Tiger a call and see where he went for his sex “addiction” treatment…it seems to be working!

(Or at least we can hope anyway!)

 

This is my favorite kind of Last Word, one where the guest ranter makes all my points and says all there is to say so I don’t have to add anything to it.

How Liberalism Is Like A Cartoon Movie

Cartoon movies are aimed at kids, and the makers of these movies use the children’s sense of powerlessness as a key plot device.

Liberals have cultivated that same feeling of powerlessness to the point that it has become an entire narcissistic, victim-centric worldview.

In short, like children attracted to cartoons, liberals have yet to grow up and accept responsibility for their own existences.

So, here are the ten top ways the liberal view of reality resembles a cartoon movie:

10. Liberals’ entire universe is divided into Good Guys and Bad Guys, Nice People and Mean People, Us. vs. Them.

9. Liberals are powerless; their puny little lives are controlled by big ugly mean monsters or corporations that don’t care and want to hurt them.

8. Birds and animals and fish and trees can think and feel and talk.

7. Transportation can be effected with little or no fuel consumption, via vehicles such as broomsticks, magic carpets and pixie dust. Much like the cute little hybrids and electric cars liberals love.

6. There is no God, just an unreasoning faith in some inchoate force you might as well call “The Circle of Life.”

5. Reality revolves entirely around what they are thinking, feeling and experiencing, as if the universe were a movie in which they had the starring role.

4. Nobody understands or appreciates them. And this fact is somehow of the utmost importance.

3. Collapsing in a puddle of tears is an effective coping strategy; they expect someone to turn up who actually cares.

2. There’s no hope at all for a happy ending unless someone more powerful than they magically comes and saves them. In their case, though, it’s not a fat genie or a fairy godmother. Instead, it’s some heroic and compassionate government initiative.

And the Number One way that liberals view the world as a cartoon movie…

1. To get something, they don’t think they should have to plan for it, work for it, or make any kind of sacrifice for it. Instead, they should only have to want the thing a whole, whole, whole, whole lot. (Wishing on a star optional.)

Written by: Gregory Oatis

http://blog.progressivesocialists.com/?p=112