I’ve been under the weather and consequently I’m crankier than normal. Besides witty introductions are overrated. So let’s just skip the pleasantries and get right to it.
I’ve caught a stray parrot on my balcony.
All he says is, “good morning you old prick.”
…I figure it belongs to Impish.
The Donald is running for president.
That’s right, bazillionaire megalomaniac Donald Trump wants to be the first reality TV show host to become president of the United States, saying that what the country needs right now is a “dealmaker.”
The Top 5 Donald Trump Campaign Slogans
5> You’re Fired — Up!
4> Hair That Crazed Third-World Dictators Respect
3> I Got Guys Who Can Run the Middle East
2> America, You Sicken Me
and The Number 1 Donald Trump Campaign Slogan…
1> This Land Is My Land
[ Copyright 2011 by Chris White/TopFive.com ]
Robert Klein…I don’t like getting older
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the ‘Chicken Surprise’, The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. ‘Good grief, did you see that?’ she asks her husband. He hadn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
‘Please sir,’ says the waiter, ‘what you order?’
The husband replies, ‘Chicken Surprise.’
(You’re going to love this……….. You’re going to hate yourself for loving this!…………..) . . . . .
‘Ah! So sorry,’ says the waiter, My mistake ‘I bring you Peeking Duck!’
I was in Afghanistan speaking with a reporter as a soldier packed her things. The major came over and noticed some odd-looking pieces of cloth on her cot.
“What are you doing with all these eye patches?” he asked, lifting one up.
Taking it from him, she mumbled, “Um … this is my thong underwear.”
Had to have happened in an Air Force enclave. Why you ask? Simple.An Army officer would have probably recognized it for what it was having seen it on countless strippers and the female soldier would have screamed sexual harassment. A Marine officer would have also known what it on sight was but a female Marine would have strangled him with it for presuming to touch it.
ALCOHOL: BAD FOR LEGS
Impish walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches a woman sitting by herself and asks, “May I buy you a cocktail?”
“No thank you,” the stunner replies, “alcohol is bad for my legs.”
“Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?”
“No, they spread.”
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE, NOW GET OUT: “I’m proud to be an American soldier,” said Ramdeo Chankarsingh, 44, of South Ozone Park, N.Y. He was promised if he served in the military he would be given citizenship, so the Trinidad native enlisted in the Army in 1991 and served nine years as a medic, with tours of duty in Italy, Germany, and
Kosovo during the height of the first Gulf War. When his green card expired in 1999, a military judge ordered him to file for citizenship.
However, he was then told that because he served during peacetime, he needed a valid green card. A year later he received an honorable discharge, and has been in limbo ever since. Immigration and Customs Enforcement has begun deportation proceedings. “My husband has been here for more than 30 years,” said his wife, Savitri, noting they have
two children, both U.S. citizens. “In his heart he’s an American citizen. It’s just paperwork.” (MS/New York Daily News, WABC-TV)
…And in a bureaucracy, we all know proper paperwork is more important than proper respect.
Makes perfect sense to me! Let’s keep the Imams bad mouthing the U.S. who promote violence against us and all the jobless illegal immigrants looking for a free ride but toss out the guy willing to actually defend a land he was not yet a citizen of to get citizenship in it. More liberal Obamaitics at work?