Dragon Laffs #1188


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What a fantastic issue yesterday … now I know how all the rest of you guys get to feel and look forward to reading Dragon Laffs … or in this case, Leprechaun Laffs… every morning!  Great job!  And the subject matter is very topical and the direction this e-zine is headed. Our freedoms have never been challenged as much as they are right now.  And any of you who think otherwise aren’t paying any attention.  Our country and our way of life is being systematically disassembled before our eyes and the entitlement sheep our not only going along quietly to slaughter, they are goading on the herd.  Things need to change.  And I’m sure as heck not talking about the current hopey changey 2bovine excrement, I’m talking about changing BACK to the way America was.  Back to being proud of our country and the direction she is moving.  This current administration, on both sides of the fence, is deplorable.  There is NO feeling of working toward a common good, a unified country.  There is only what can I get out of it!  No compromise, no togetherness, no unity or desire to make America the best that she can be.  No.  There is only the grab for the gold.  What can I get for ME and MINE.  Our politicians are bought and paid for.  Our country sold down the river.  It’s time for change!
It’s time to throw the bums out!
It’s time to take it upon ourselves, each and everyone of us.
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YOU can make a difference.
YOU can push the brake
YOU can say ENOUGH!

It’s time to take our country back.

little dragonThe best way to start the day, whether it be going to work, or overthrowing the country, is to start with a smile and a laugh.  It lightens the load and eases the trip, so, like we have said all along….
Dragon Laffs: Getting throw the day, one laff at a time.

Let’s Laugh!

 

Texting and driving is becoming one of the major causes of motor vehicle accidents.  But, texting and walking isn’t such a great idea either….
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Back in my day….
I can remember my dad telling us that as kids, he had to walk to school every day, and it was uphill, both ways!  And their schools NEVER closed for snow days.  They’d walk, uphill, (sometimes they were even barefoot), in snow over their heads to school and back again.  I will admit that even Dad didn’t tell that story with a straight face….

The Washington Post had a contest wherein participants were asked to tell the younger generation how much harder they had it “in the old days.” Winners, runners-up, and honorable mentions are listed below.
Second Runner-Up:
– In my day, we couldn’t afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In winter, we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.

First Runner-Up:
– In my day, we didn’t have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you’d weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were way too small, so we’d use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn’t adjust our skates, which didn’t really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them not like today.

And the winner:
– In my day, we didn’t have rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.

Honorable Mentions:
– In my day, we didn’t have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes.

– In my day, we didn’t have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.

– In my day, we didn’t get that disembodied, slightly ticked- off voice saying ‘Doors closing.’ We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out, it scraped along the tunnel all the way to the next station and it was a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a dollar.

– In my day, we didn’t have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.

– Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise.

– Back in my day, ’60 Minutes’ wasn’t just a bunch of gray- haired, liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray- haired, liberal 60-year-old guys.

– Back in my day, they hadn’t invented electricity. We had to watch television by candlelight.

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10 Stories of Weddings That Ended in Disaster

Posted: 13 Apr 2011 05:00 PM PDT

Your wedding is supposed to be a day to remember. For these people it will be, but for all the wrong reasons.


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Okay, I’m from New Jersey and I had no idea they were this prolific…

Sounds Like New Jersey!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_jNT3vJai0&feature=player_embedded

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And here’s ANOTHER Really Good Point (RGP)

I never really looked at our hunters from this perspective. A blogger recently added up all the hunters in just a handful of states, and comes to a striking conclusion:

The state of Wisconsin has gone an entire deer hunting season without someone getting killed. That’s great. There were over 600,000 hunters. Allow me to restate that number. Over the last two months, the eighth largest army in the world – more men under arms than Iran; more than France and Germany combined – deployed to the woods of a single American state to help keep the deer population at bay.

But that pales in comparison to the 750,000 who are in the woods of Pennsylvania this week. Michigan’s 700,000 hunters have now returned home. Toss in a quarter million hunters in West Virginia, and it is literally the case that the hunters of those four states alone would comprise the largest army in the world.

His point? America will forever be safe from foreign invasion with that kind of home-grown firepower. Hunting — it’s not just a way to fill the freezer. It’s a matter of national security.
“That’s why all enemies foreign and domestic want to see us disarmed.”
That’s 2,300,000 in just 4 states!

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A Day Made of Glass – WOW!

I want mine!!!!

 

Motorcycles made from old watch parts…..I’m not sure, but I think the timing is off….
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Would this fall under the category of “Too Much Time On My Hands”?

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Take one minute….just one click, every day, helps more than you can imagine!

 

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A fellow was talking to Lethal Leprechaun and said, “I gotta stop drinking that Irish whiskey.”

“How come?” asked Lethal.

“Because every Saturday night I go out and drink a fifth of the stuff, come home, make mad passionate love to the wife, wake up Sunday morning, and go to church.”

“What’s wrong with that?” Lethal asked. “A lot of good Irishmen go out on Saturday night, drink a fifth of good Irish whiskey, come home, make love to the wife, and go to mass on Sunday.”

“I know,” said his friend, “but I’m Jewish!”

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Johnny Carson and Betty White in the Garden of Eden…..classic laffs!
http://wallythekat.tripod.com/A_Pages/AA-Videos-YOU-Tube/Johnny-Betty-White.html

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I’m late because…

In college I had a professor who said he’d excuse us from any test if we ever gave him an excuse he’d never heard before.
I did it.
“I was in the darkroom developing pictures for the newspaper and I couldn’t see the clock.” I said. It was true so I was exempted from the test. This was back in the day of chemical-based photography which had to be done in the dark. Light ruined the film and paper.

List of most bizarre excuses for being late to work,
missing an appointment etc.>>>>>>>>>>>>

My Botox appointment took longer than I expected.

My cat attacked me.

I was delayed due to public transportation. Employee produced a note signed by “The Bus Driver.” (Reminds me of the child turning in a note signed “My Mom.”)

I didn’t get any sleep because my boyfriend’s wife threw me out of the house.

My car was inhabited by a hive of bees and I couldn’t use the car for two hours until bees left.

I knew I was already going to be late, so I figured I’d go ahead and stop to get donuts for everyone.

My hair was hurting my head. (Note. This is, to my thinking, a legitimate excuse. In college I actually woke up one Sunday morning and my hair hurt. I do not remember a great deal of what happened the night before.)

My Karma is not in sync today.

I’m not late — the company clock is wrong.

While rowing across the river to work, I got lost in the fog.

Someone stole all my daffodils.

I had to go audition for American Idol.

My ex-husband stole my car so I couldn’t drive to work.

My route to work was shut down by a Presidential motorcade.

I have transient amnesia and couldn’t remember my job.

I was indicted for securities fraud this morning.

The line was too long at Starbucks.

I was trying to get my gun back from the police.

I didn’t have money for gas because all of the pawn shops were closed.

One person reported taking a second shower after walking into a spider web.

A woman said her husband thinks it’s funny to hide her car keys, so she is late to work since she has to find them before she can drive to the office.

A man claimed the left-turn signal on his car was broken so he had to drive to work making only right turns.

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The Idiot’s Guide to Internet Success!

Let’s begin (Please take note of the sarcasm in these):
Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?
A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month.

Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?
A: No. This is the Internet.

Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?
A: Yes. This is the Internet.

Q: How do I proceed?
A: As you’re surfing around the net you’ll see banners and links that say things like “Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!” Simply click the link to get started.

Q: It won’t really take ninety days though, will it?
A: Of course not. They just say that so you’ll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn’t sound like hype.

Q: Okay, I’ve found one that says “Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!” Is that good?
A: Perfect.

Q: What does MLM mean?
A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains.

Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it’s the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since it’s MLM, by the time my third level is operating I’ll be making $345,915.45 per week.
A: Conservatively.

Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?
A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ… uh, clients. You can switch your mother’s long distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her support group.

Q: That sounds a little fishy.
A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people substantial savings on long distance. It’s for their own good.

Q: How else can I get new business?
A: Spam. Spam. Spam.

Q: I thought spam was bad.
A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it’s bad is just jealous because their brains are too small.

Q: But won’t I lose my web host and ISP?
A: In the get-rich-quick business, it’s important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers.

Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?
A: Here’s a list of suggestions:
–Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners.
–Join every free banner exchange.
–Get your own free-for-all links page.
–Join every opt-in email list with the word Money, Rich or Lackwit in the title.
–Buy software that submits your site URL to the 15,000 most important search engines. –Buy software that submits your ad to the 50,000 most-read free classified sites.
–Hire a bulk emailer.
–Sponsor a golf tournament.

Q: Okay, I’ve done all that and I’m still not rich. I haven’t even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong?
A: It’s possible that you’re not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I don’t have any friends who have retired on their Internet earnings?
A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I’ve never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings?
A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.

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Breaking News!!!!!
The Artic ocean is warming up, icebergs are growing scarcer and in some places the seals are finding the water too hot, according to a repot to the Commerce Department yesterday from Consulafft, at Bergen, Norway.

Reports from fishermen, seal hunters and explorers all point to a radical change in climate conditions and hitherto unheard-of temperatures in the Arctic zone.  Exploration expeditions report that scarcely any ice has been met as far north as 81 degrees 29 minutes.  Sounding to a depth of 3,100 meters showed the gulf stream still very warm.  Great masses of ice have been replaced by moraines of earth and stones, the report continued, while at many points well known glaciers have entirely disappeared.

Very few seals and no white fish are found in the eastern Arctic, while vast shoals of herring and smelts which have never before ventured so far north, are being encountered in the old seal fishing grounds.

Isn’t this horrible news!  Al Gore was right!
Well, not hardly, I forgot to mention that this report was from November 2, 1922.  As reported by the AP and published in the Washington Post – 88 years ago.

http://www.snopes.com/politics/science/globalwarming1922.asp

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Two women were sitting in the doctor’s waiting room comparing Notes on their various disorders.
“I want a baby more than anything in the world,” said the first, “But I guess it is impossible.”
“I used to feel just the same way,” said the second. “But then Everything changed. That’s why I’m here. I’m going to have a Baby in six months.”
“You must tell me what you did.”
“I went to a faith healer.”
“But I’ve tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly A year and it didn’t help a bit.”
The other woman smiled and whispered, “Try going alone, next time.”

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Motivational A Jump  B Shoot

You guys

winning

TRICKLE-DOWN ECONOMICS
You’re at a bar with a friend…. let’s call him George.
1. Explain to George that the two of you are going to share a beer. But he’ll have to front you the money for it, but there will be enough beer for the both of you if he’ll only help stimulate the economy a little!
2. Purchase said beer, making sure to get a glass, and drink it. At some point, George is bound to wonder where his portion of the beer is, since after all he paid for it. Should he ask you, remind him that he must be patient and wait for market forces to go to work. If he asks you more than once, wag your finger and accuse him of making class war, and remind him about the market forces a gain.
3. At some point you’ll have to excuse yourself for obvious reasons. Make sure to take your glass with you. George will want to know why, and he may be more than a little annoyed by now. Chalk it up to market forces, of course.
4. This part should be pretty obvious. Why else would you need the glass?
5. When you return, make a big thing of presenting George with the glass. When he asks what in the hell this is supposed to be, as well he should, let him know that the market has spoken, creating a whole ‘nother beer (assuming the glass is full). Thanks to the market’s power of beer creation, you both got a FULL beer instead of half a beer!
6. George may get suspicious and speculate that perhaps you’ve just stolen his money or whizzed in his glass…. stinkin’ socialist!

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 I think I put my Last Word as my opening statement this morning, so instead, let’s throw one more good laugh in to start the weekend:

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