Some idiot philosopher once said :

Virtue is its own reward; good will be rewarded (and evil punished).
 

Then there the whole  Isaiah 57: 21-22 Bible thing about

20: But the wicked are like the raginge see, that ca not rest, whose water fometh with the myre & grauel.
21 Eueso ye wicked haue no peace, saieth my God.

(or in King James English: There no rest for the wicked)

Well here’s proof of that – I’m stuck doing Saturday’s issue while the Dragon is off making merry at a family wedding. His hastily scribbled memo says something about sinful? Sluty?Saucey? Maybe its Sexy? Saturday being his theme.

(Wiping his mouth and crumpling the memo) Eh who cares I’m here he’s not, if he was worried about it he could have written it clearly. Tell you what I’m just going to continue on like I was yesterday, irascible, irreverent, rowdy and rambunctious. How’s that sound?

ALL IN FAVOR? That’s about what I thought but for proforma sake… ALL OPPOSED? HEY! WHO LET THEM DAMNED HOLY ROLLERS IN HERE? THROW THEM OUT OR SHOW THEM TO IMPISH’S HARIM IF THE QUALIFY!

AND NOW ON WITH THE LACIVITY AND LAUGHTER!

 

 

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says,
“I hear that you’ve been telling people that I’m ugly!”
“Oh, no! I’ve just been saying that your new hairdo makes you
look less attractive.”
“I also heard that you’ve been calling me fat!”
“Oh, no! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes
you look larger than you really are.”
“I also heard that you’re saying that my husband has a wart on
his dick!”
“Oh, no! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his
dick!”

Broetry

(Thanks to my own dear sweet Molly for POINTING ME TO this one)

As contemporary poets deliver entire volumes on subjects like incest, menstruation, and pine cones, regular guys are left scratching their heads. Who will speak for Everyman? Who will articulate his love for Xbox 360, for Mama Celeste’s Frozen Pizza, for any movie starring Bruce Willis?
Enter Broetry—a stunning debut from a dazzling new literary voice. “Broet Laureate” Brian McGackin goes where no poet has gone before—to Star Wars conventions, to frat parties, to video game tournaments, and beyond. With poems like “Ode to That Girl I Dated for, Like, Two Months Sophomore Year” and “My Friends Who Don’t Have Student Loans,” we follow the Bro from his high school graduation and college experience through a “quarter-life crisis” and beyond. Packaged in a small gifty hardcover and illustrated with tasteful black and white illustrations, Broetry is a funny and sly look at modern masculinity.

here’s one of Brian’s broems that you won’t find in the book. A haiku.

Airport Dating Service

They should sit single
guys next to hot single girls.
Maybe charge extra.

Hardcover, 128 pages  Published July 5th 2011 by Quirk Books

ISBN 159474517X (ISBN13: 9781594745171)

Available at Amazon and Barnes & Noble.

Riddle of the Day

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn’t have one.

The Pope has one but doesn’t use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Obama is one.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi’s.

What is it?

Answer below!

The answer is: ‘A Last Name.’

You didn’t think I’d send you a dirty joke, on Impish’s watch did you?

Well OK I WOULD but Impish made me promise more or less  to restrain myself in his absence since I AM standing in for him after all.

I’ve “peeked” at a few in my lifetime (Ok so more than a few) ~~~ But this is the first time I ever  had one peek back at me….

What? I DID say he made me promise “more or less”…this is just some of “the less” part! Speaking of the less part here is a bit more of the less part so the women readers feel like they are being treated equally.

No drooling on those 600 thread count sheets now!

8 Career Mistakes of Superheroes

Written by: Matt Brownell 07/07/11 – 12:01 PM EDT

NEW YORK (MainStreet) — Superheroes such as Batman have to deal with everything from muggers to evil alien gods. But sometimes life can be more difficult outside the costume.

Most superheroes have to juggle their crime fighting with a legitimate job, but it’s a juggling act many find difficult. Various comic book superheroes have lost their jobs when their obligations to the greater good intruded on their careers. And others still have jeopardized their careers in ways that had nothing to do with fighting crime. It seems even supermen and women have bad days on the job.

Here are eight heroes who have made career mistakes, with sometimes disastrous results.

 Peter Parker (Spider-Man): Revealed his secret identity
Peter Parker has always had an awkward professional life. While he spent time as a high school teacher and scientific researcher, his most gainful employment has been as a photographer for the Daily Bugle — a New York tabloid that just so happens to consider Spider-Man public enemy No. 1.

This awkward dance comes to a head during the 2006 Civil War storyline, when Spider-Man decides to reveal his secret identity in support of an effort to make superheroes registered government employees instead of vigilantes. Parker’s boss, J. Jonah Jameson, doesn’t react well when he discovers that his sworn enemy has been drawing a paycheck from him for years and promptly fires Parker on the front page of the next day’s paper.

Take a lesson from Spidey: While honesty is the best policy, it’s sometimes better to keep your mouth shut if you want to keep your job.

Michael Jon Carter (Booster Gold): Trusted the wrong man

Most superheroes fight evil for the greater good and keep a day job to pay the bills. Booster Gold became a superhero because he wanted to become rich and famous, even going so far as to hire a manager and build a company around his personal brand. Unfortunately, his selfish and fame-seeking ways catch up with him when his manager, Dirk Davis, reveals himself to be part of a cult of evil robots. He drains Booster’s bank accounts and leaves him penniless, destroying the hero’s already poor reputation in the process.

The lesson? Be careful who you go into business with.

Clark Kent (Superman): Never at his desk
When you’re a reporter in the city of Metropolis, your job is simple: Report on the exploits of Superman. Unfortunately, Kent never seems to be around when the Man of Steel is fighting the latest villain above the streets of Metropolis, usually leaving fellow Daily Planet reporter Lois Lane to always get the big scoop. In fact, Kent has a bad habit of sneaking away from his desk at various points throughout the day without explanation.

Despite his constant truancy, Kent has established himself as a top-notch journalist, and the comic writers have generally played his workplace conflicts with editor-in-chief Perry White for laughs rather than as a serious plot point.

“Even if you go back to the old 1950s series with George Reeve, Perry White was always fuming because Clark Kent wasn’t around,” recalls comic book historian Mark Evanier. “Then he’d suddenly show up with the story.”

Jean-Paul Beaubier (Northstar): Might have used his powers to get ahead

The occasional X-Man, who has the mutant power of super speed, is probably best known for being one of the most prominent openly gay superheroes in comics. But before the French-Canadian mutant became a superhero, he had a burgeoning career as downhill skier, where he won various medals in professional competition.

Years after retiring from skiing to become a full-time superhero, Northstar is participating in an exhibition race when he is forced to reveal his secret identity to save a young girl’s life. Upon discovering that the famous skier is a super-fast mutant, spectators question whether he’d ever used his powers to cheat in competition. Northstar admits that he may have subconsciously used his powers without realizing it, and later relinquishes his medals. While he had already ended his professional career, any hope of returning to the sport is crushed.

Tony Stark (Iron Man): Drinking on the job
It’s not easy juggling a superhero identity and a civilian job, especially when that job is running a multibillion-dollar corporation. In the 1979 “Demon in a Bottle” storyline, the stress of these dual identities finally starts to weigh on billionaire industrialist Tony Stark, who moonlights as armored superhero Iron Man. His constant drinking begins taking a toll on his professional life as owner of Stark Industries, and at one point he suits up as Iron Man while drunk, with predictably disastrous results.

His undoing comes when he drunkenly snaps at his loyal butler, Jarvis, who resigns from his position and sells his shares of Stark Industries stock on his way out the door. SHIELD, a United Nations spy agency that had long coveted Stark’s military technology, quickly buys up the shares to take a controlling stake in the company that Stark built. Seeing how his constant boozing has caused his life to unwind, Stark finally decides to lay off the sauce.

Nick Fury: Disobeyed orders

As commander of SHIELD, Fury was responsible for combating superpowered threats in the Marvel Universe. But when the president of the United States refuses to sign off on military action against Latveria, a fictional country supporting superpowered terrorism, Fury takes matters into his own hands. He recruits a team of superheroes, sneaks into the country and strikes a crippling blow against Latveria’s government. He then mind-wipes the superheroes to keep his illegal actions a secret.

When the deposed Latverian leader retaliates a year later with an army of supervillains, Fury’s insubordination becomes public. Needless to say, Fury loses his job as top spy and is forced to go underground as a fugitive from the law. The lesson? Don’t disobey your boss, especially if your boss is the leader of the free world.

Bob Parr (Mr. Incredible): Assaulted his boss

The former Mr. Incredible never quite took to his job as a claims adjuster for an insurance company, and was constantly in trouble with his boss due to his bad habit of actually helping clients get the insurance money they deserved. But the last straw came when Bob’s boss, Mr. Huph, prevents him from stopping a mugging taking place outside their office. The enraged Parr strangles his boss and throws him through several walls. Bob’s career in insurance comes to a swift end.

Shortly thereafter, Mr. Incredible makes another career blunder when he agrees to a series of freelance superhero jobs for an employer who turns out to be a supervillain. Some heroes just don’t take to the professional life.

Charles Xavier (Professor X): Endangered students

These days, a public school teacher can be fired if he or she so much as breaks up a fight. So it’s probably a good thing for Professor X that he owns a private school and doesn’t have to answer for his actions. The telepathic mutant founded Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters ostensibly as a prep school, and while his teenaged students do get a top-notch educational experience, they’re also routinely sent into extremely dangerous situations as the X-Men.

Xavier’s habit of endangering his students’ lives eventually catches up to him, though. He steps down from his position as headmaster after a student body riot kills three students, and shortly thereafter it’s revealed that he had sent several previously unknown students to their deaths in a mission gone horribly wrong. The revelation furthers his alienation from the school he founded, and former prized pupil Scott Summers (Cyclops) now heads both the school and the X-Men.

It’s a valuable lesson for any leader: No matter how lofty and high-minded your goals, you still need to treat your followers with respect.

You catch that last part Impish? FYI: The boys in the Print and Mail Rooms was well as me self  happen to be EXTREMELY fond of Wedding Cake!

Mouse Pads For Guys To Help Avoid Carpel Tunnel Syndrome

They even come with wrist wrest that ensure proper positioning!

That top one in white reminded me a classic commercial not seen in the US.

The one positive thing I will say about Canada is that they DO have some better commercials.

Mowing the Lawn and Electric Fences.

(Thanks to reader Chuck for this one.)

We have the standard 6-ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had; made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8-ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I’m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6-hp big wheel push mower… The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece-of-**** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire.. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences … but Dad always had those piece-of-**** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8-foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. ‘Damn!,’ I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think ‘Oh God please die … Pleeeeaze die’. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day … he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sum***** now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because t was better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long..
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don’t understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow

And now for another electrify cautionary tale….

Taser Test
2007 Urban Legend

Darwin says, “This story is an Urban Legend according to Snopes.com. Since it’s a phenomenal story of nearly-fatal poor judgment, it merits being included among the Darwinian Urban Legends.”

Dear Carl,

Last weekend I was at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn looking for a little something special for my wife, Renee. I came across a 100,000-volt pocket taser. Its disabling effect on an assailant was described as short-lived, with no long-term consequences, but would allow my wife–who would never consider a gun–adequate time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed, but then I read (yes, I read the instructions) that if I pressed the taser against a metal surface and pushed the button at the same time, I’d see a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs, to verify that it was working.

Awesome!!!

I have yet to explain to Renee that new burn spot on the face of her microwave.

There I was, home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? I sat there in my recliner, reading the directions, my cat Gracie looking on intently. Trusting little soul. I got to thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second. She is such a sweet cat, but if I was going to give this device to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So there I sat in shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant, a two-second burst would cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control, and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. A burst longer than three seconds would be a waste of batteries.

I’m sitting there alone, with Gracie looking on, her head cocked to one side as if to say, ‘Don’t do it.’ But I was reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!

Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up from my recliner, and body slammed us both onto the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, tingling legs, nipples on fire, and testicles nowhere to be found.

SON-OF-A… That Hurt Like HELL!

If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a taser, you should know that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that taser until it is dislodged from your hand by your involuntary violent thrashing about on the floor.

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was relative at that point) I collected what wits I had left, sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it was shot up with Novocaine. My bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. And I’m still looking for my testicles!!

I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,

Jacob

Seen at: http://www.darwinawards.com/legends/legends1999-11.html

 

Pillsbury Doughgirl!

In response to calls for sexual equity, Pillsbury recently added a new Pillsbury Doughgirl character to the well known Doughboy. Unfortunately, she couldn’t come to work this week because she had a yeast infection.

 

NO! You STILL don’t get none o’ me ‘Brown Gold’ Coffee!

391 Places for Free Books Online

http://www.techsupportalert.com/content/50-places-free-books-online.htm?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+gizmosbest+%28Gizmo%27s+Best-ever+Freeware%29

<quoting the web site>

Introduction

This is a listing of 391 sites that legally offer free books (eBooks) for download or for online viewing.

Some time ago I went looking for some free eBooks and was surprised to find that there are many resources for this. I decided to put together this list of sites that offer free eBooks as a reference.

I have tried to make certain that all of the eBooks at these sites are legally available for viewing/downloading. However, it is possible that I have made a mistake. If you suspect any of these sites of illegally offering copyrighted materials, then please let me know through the comments below.

Putting this together was exhausting, but the list is not exhaustive, so I encourage you to post any sites that you know of that are not listed here.

The listing here is in alphabetical order. Given the size of this list now, it may be easier to search by genre. I have set up 16 pages here of different genres. If you do not see one that covers your interests, let me know and I may be able to put one together.

I have also put together a listing of sites that offer free and legal audio books at

• Free Audio Books Online

<end site quote>

 

You Know You’re Too Stressed If…

…relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.
…you can achieve a “Runners High” by sitting up.
…you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
…the Sun is too loud.
…trees begin chasing you.
…you can see individual air molecules vibrating.
…you begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
…you wonder if brewing is really a necessary step in the consumption of coffee.
…you can hear mimes.
…you believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
…things become “Very Clear.”
…you ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
…you begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.
…you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
…you keep yelling “STOP TOUCHING ME!” even though you are the only one in the room.
…your heart beats in 7/8 time.
…you and Reality file for divorce.
…you can skip without a rope.
…it appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
…you have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can’t quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.
…you can travel without moving.
…antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
…you discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
…you begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.
…teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.
…you have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.
…you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

 

The teacher says, “Let’s discuss what your fathers do for a living.”
Mary says, “My Dad is a lawyer. He puts bad guys in jail.”
Jack says, “My Dad is a doctor. He makes all sick people better.”
The teacher says, to Little Johnny, “John, what does your Dad do?”
Johnny says, “My Dad is dead.”
She says, “I’m sorry to hear that. But what did he do before he died?”
Johnny says, “He turned blue and shit on the carpet.”

 

We have sort of a triple Last Word Today. Something from me a response to something I wrote in Wednesdays Issue from a reader and finally what is apparently an article sent in by someone as a potential Last Word .

Regarding the issue of your rights both electronic and personal, I received a couple of yeah ok thanks but its not like you can’t trust the cops comments. Nay nay say I! I sent the links to those two posts to a legal friend of mine and ask them if they had any comments if we had left anything out or gotten anything wrong. I asked to be left out of the discussion for valid professional reasons however he DID forward me this quotation, the true author of which I have been unable to locate and he did not know.

“Because of what appears to be a lawful command on the surface, many citizens, because of their respect for what only appears to be a (the) law, are cunningly coerced into waiving their rights, due to ignorance.” ~ Author Unknown

You SERIOUSLY need to remember and keep 2 things in mind –  no joke.

1. Ignorance of the law IS NOT a defense.
2. It is NOT up to the police to educate you about your rights, protect those rights or educate you on the particular laws involved in your case, that what lawyers are for.

The police are legally required to advise you of CERTAIN rights you have (the Miranda Act) but that is IT. They are legally free to use any and every means in their power to arrive at the truth and/or a confession. This includes using your ignorance of the law against you and attempting to discourage you from exercising your rights.

This from reader Dan-NYC regarding my Independence Day Last Word on the VA Cemetery Director and my subsequent Wednesday follow up on it covering the spontaneous Independence Day protest.

Lethal,

There may be reason for dismay but not because overall we don’t care but because you are preaching to the choir and we are all too familiaer with the overreach and abuse of authority.

The 1st amendment issues raised by the Ocasio diktat is run of the mill oppression by the likes of those who the Obamaites truly represent. There are so many examples and so many fronts that each locality has to raise their own hell. I’m not a religious person but do respect the fact that most folks are. I’ve been to many a Christian funeral and have never heard insurrection preached, only the hope of the salvation that they believe is in Christ Jesus.

The likes of Ocasio should be brought to court and sued for harm, damages and recourse by those affected by her personal interpretation of what is allowable speech. The BS that people like her try to impose despite the freedoms that are unalienable are indefensible.

I am disgusted by this kind of prohibitory action but that changes not a good God damned thing. Here in NY do you think a stern letter to Gillibrand or Schumer or Nadler will make a difference? These asswipes ARE the problem! There are organizations such as the ACLJ that specifically dedicated to these issues that affected parties can turn to and should.

There is a hope that if we get rid of Obama and his ilk we’ll be marginally better off. The Republicans are also a huge part of the problem. The only thing they seem to stand for is an light version of the socialist agenda.

So then what outrage would satisfy? If we are blind idiots we’ll hope 11/2012 will change it all like some kind of magic eraser. That’s utter rotted stank assed morinic crap. Even if we held the ground in the executive, the Senate and the House to tear away every last shred of the crap that has been fisted on us since 2008 we would need to hold that ground and go back to LBJ’s, “Great Society” and tear that away from the American consciousness for the next 16 to 20 years at a minimum. Otherwise they’ll come along with some version of the hope & change illusion that was foisted on the idiotic gen pop to begin with. – Yes, a prison term for a captive group with no memory of anything political.

There are no messiahs in the realm of men. Were that the case we would be living under the illumination of the likes of Reagan or Eisenhower or even to some extent Kennedy. But that isn’t the cards we hold. We are the boob tube generation that thinks that the new and improved Tide detergent is actually either.

We, as a society, will have to crash and burn. There will have to be a generation removed from our’s that learn from within their own hearts and minds the the value of real freedom. Then they will sow the seeds of the next iteration. This one is dying on the vine.

Finally now lets hear from Ginny K9 who has been patiently awaiting her turn on the soapbox since last Sunday:

Earl Spicer

Obama: Where are his girl friends????? even his friends???
Where are his girl friends????? Strange that none have popped up!!!!
Strange to the point of being down right WEIRD!
OK… this is past the ‘birthers’ questions…. this is just plain old common sense, no political agendas for either side.
Just common knowledge for citizens of a country, especially American citizens, who even know that Andrew Jackson’s wife smoked a corn cob pipe and was accused of adultery, or that Lincoln never went to school or Kennedy wore a back brace or Truman played the piano.
We are Americans! We are known for our humanitarian interests and caring for our ‘fellow man.’ We care, but none of us know one single humanizing fact about the history of our own president.
Honestly, and this is a personal thing..but it’s niggled at me for ages that no one who ever dated him ever showed up.
The simple fact of his charism a, which caused the women to be drawn to him so obviously during his campaign, looks like some lady would not have missed the opportunity….
We all know about JFK’s magnetism, McCain was no monk, Palin’s courtship and even her athletic prowess were probed. Biden’s aneurisms are no secret. Look at Cheney and Clinton–we all know about their heart problems. How could I have left out Wild Bill before or during the White House?
Nope… not one lady has stepped up and said, “He was soooo shy,”
or “What a great dancer!” Now look at the rest of this…. no classmates, not even the recorder for the Columbia class notes ever heard of him.
I just don’t know about this fellow.
Who was the best man at his wedding? Start there. Then check groomsmen. Then get the footage of the graduation ceremony.
Has anyone talked to the professors? It is odd that no one is bragging that they knew him or taught him or lived with him.
When did he meet Michele and how? Are there photos? Every president gives to the public all their photos, etc. for their library. What has he released?
And who in hell voted for him to be the most popular man in
2010?????

Does this make you wonder?

Ever wonder why no one ever came forward from Obama’s past, saying they knew him, attended school with him, was his friend, etc. ?
Not one person has ever come forward from his past.
VERY, VERY STRANGE… This should really be a cause for great concern. To those who voted for him, you may have elected an unqualified, inexperienced shadow man.
Did you see a picture called The Manchurian Candidate?
Let’s face it. As insignificant as we all are…someone whom we went to school with remembers our name or face … someone remembers we were the clown or the dork or the brain or the quiet one or the bully or something about us.
George Stephanopoulos of ABC News said the same thing during the 2008 campaign.
He questions why no one has acknowledged the president was in their classroom or ate in the same cafeteria or made impromptu speeches on campus.
Stephanopoulos also was a classmate of Obama at Columbia –the B class of 1984. He says he never had a single class with him.
While he is such a great orator, why doesn’t anyone in Obama’s college class remember him? And, why won’t he allow Columbia to release his records?
NOBODY REMEMBERS OBAMA AT COLUMBIA Looking for evidence of Obama’s past, Fox News contacted 400 Columbia University students from the period when Obama claims to have been there, but none remembered him. For example, Wayne Allyn Root was, like Obama, a political science major at Columbia , who also graduated in 1983.
In 2008, Root says of Obama, “I don’t know a single person at Columbia that knew him, and they all know me. I don’t have a classmate who ever knew Barack Obama at Columbia … EVER!
Nobody recalls him. Root adds that he was also, like Obama, “Class of ’83 political science, pre-law” and says, “You don’t get more exact or closer than that. Never met him in my life, don’t know anyone who ever met him.”
At the class reunion, our 20th reunion five years ago, who was asked to be the speaker of the class? Me. No one ever heard of Barack! And five years ago, nobody even knew who he was. The guy who writes the class notes, who’s kind of the, as we say in New York, ‘the macha’ who knows everybody, has yet to find a person, a human who ever met him.”
Obama’s photograph does not appear in the school’s yearbook, and Obama consistently declines requests to talk about his years at Columbia, provide school records, or provide the name of any former classmates or friends while at Columbia …
NOTE: Root graduated as valedictorian from his high school, Thornton-Donovan School, then graduated from Columbia University in 1983 as a political science major in the same class in which Barack Hussein Obama states he was.
Some other interesting questions… Why was Obama’s law license inactivated in 2002?
Why was Michelle’s law license inactivated by court order?
It is circulating that according to the U.S. Census, there is only one Barack Obama but 27 Social Security numbers and over 80 aliases.

WHAT!?

The Social Security number he uses now originated in Connecticut where he is never reported to have lived.
No wonder all his records are sealed!
Please continue sending this out to everyone.
Somewhere, someone had to know him in school…before he “reorganized”
Chicago and burst upon the scene at the 2004 Democratic Convention and made us swoon with his charm, poise, and speaking pizzazz.
Keep this Going, Maybe someone will remember him.

 

   For ImpishDragon –

 

 

 

O.K. apparently its official, I’m evil, beyond redemption and therefore I’m going to hell. At least that is according the the 2 e-mails I have gotten, the Jehovah’s Witnesses that have been to my door 3 different times this week and the 3 different Baptist groups holding traffic hostage where my side street empties out on to the main road for forced donations.

Since they all concur I am hell bound for engendering their wraith by refusing to submit to them my right to religious freedom I see no point in wasting any further time being good, at least for this issue. I’m going to react the exact same way I would when someone tries to force or blackmail me into doing something. I’m going to go over the top and to extreme excess in the exact opposite direction It’s Friday so I’m starting the weekend early and on a irreverent, rowdy and rude note ta boot!

If you are easily offend, particularly thinned skinned or religiously intolerant todays issue is DEFINITELY not for you. You’re safer and better off looking elsewhere for you morning chuckle today.

However if you are an unabashed sinner like me and as tired of the moral minority predetermining your chances in the hereafter because you refuse to listen to their narrow point of view yet wide open mouths or been verbally abused for refusing to contribute your money to their cause because you do not agree with them and are ready for an irreverent and adult good laugh please join me in making fun of an laugh at the hypocrisy of all religion read on!

ALL ABOARD! The Leprechaun Special Non-stop Express Hand Basket To Hell is leaving the station!!!

SCROLL AND LAFF AT THE RISK OF YOUR SOUL!

 

 

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

The Lord spoke unto them saying, “I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie….Hell is waiting for you.

To the first man the Lord asked, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?” The first man replied, “Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife.” The Lord replied, “Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.

To the second man the Lord asked, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?” The second man replied, “Lord, I cheated on my wife twice.” The Lord replied, “I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.

To the third man the Lord asked, “So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?” The third man replied, “Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times.” The Lord replied, “I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.

A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. “Why are you crying?” the two men asked. “You got the mansion and limo!”

The first man replied, “I’m crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was CARRYING A TENT AND RIDING A SKATEBOARD!”

 

The Sign On Impish’s Office Door:

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, ”You had a good idea to replace the
first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.”

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, ”And you told me adding a little
more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock ‘n roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.”

”Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. ”I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”

”All of these ideas have been well and good,” said the elderly priest, ”But I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”

”But, Father,” protested the young priest, ”my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”

”Yes,” replied the elderly priest, ”and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot ‘n Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof!”

 

Annual Obesity Report: Connecticut is the 3rd thinnest state; Mississippi is the fattest state

By MARY CLARE JALONICK Associated Press  Published: Thursday, July 07, 2011

WASHINGTON (AP) — In 1995, no state had an obesity rate above 20 percent. Now, all but one does.
An annual obesity report by two public health groups looked for the first time at state-by-state statistics over the last two decades. The state that has the lowest obesity rate now — Colorado, with 19.8 percent of adults considered obese — would have had the highest rate in 1995.

The percentage of obese adults in all 50 states according to new report.

1. Mississippi 34.4
2. Alabama 32.3
3. West Virginia 32.2
4. Tennessee 31.9
5. Louisiana 31.6
6. Kentucky 31.5
7. Oklahoma 31.4
8. South Carolina 30.9
9. Arkansas 30.6
10. Michigan 30.5
11. Missouri 30.3
12. Texas 30.1
13. Ohio 29.6
14. North Carolina 29.4
15. Indiana 29.1
16. Kansas 29.0
17. Georgia 28.7
18. South Dakota 28.7
19. Pennsylvania 28.5
20. Iowa 28.1
21. Delaware 28.0
22. North Dakota 28.0
23. Illinois 27.7
24. Nebraska 27.6
25. Wisconsin 27.4
26. Maryland 27.1
27. Maine 26.5
28. Washington 26.4
29. Florida 26.1
30. Alaska 25.9
31. Virginia 25.9
32. Idaho 25.7
33. New Hampshire 25.6
34. New Mexico 25.6
35. Arizona 25.4
36. Oregon 25.4
37. Wyoming 25.4
38. Minnesota 25.3
39. Nevada 25.0
40. California 24.8
41. New York 24.7
42. Rhode Island 24.3
43. New Jersey 24.1
44. Montana 23.8
45. Vermont 23.5
46. Utah 23.4
47. Hawaii 23.1
48. Massachusetts 22.3
49. Connecticut 21.8
50. District of Columbia 21.7
51. Colorado 19.8

At her father’s wake, a woman told her priest that ever since she was a child she and her father had discussed life after death. They had agreed that whomever went first would contact the other. They had discussed this again just two weeks before his death. He died in her home.
A few days after his death the smoke alarm in her garage went off. She had lived there 28 years and it had never gone off before. She couldn’t turn it off, so she called the security company that installed it.
The next morning the smoke alarm sounded again…and the reason finally dawned on her. She said aloud, “Ok Dad, I missed the signal yesterday, but I get it now! Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other side. Now turn the thing off so I don’t have to call the security company again.”
And it went off. She immediately called her priest to tell him the good news. The priest hesitated and then said, “Dear lady, if every time your father sends you a message, he sets off the smoke alarm, just where do you think he’s calling from?”

 

One day, there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very worried and nervous look, and another priest saw him and wondered what was wrong. The second priest thought he should try to help, so he approached his distraught associate and asked him what was wrong.
“Well,” the first priest said, “have you ever heard of a Freudian slip?”
“No,” said the other.
“Well,” said the first, “it’s when one slips and says something one is thinking usually when it is the least opportune time.”
“Oh,” said the priest, “so, what happened?”
“Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part when you say ‘I now pronounce you man and wife’?” asked the first.
“Yes,” said the second.
“Well that is what I meant to say, and what I actually said was, ‘I now sentence you to death.'”

 

 

Might as well have a few drinks while we wait for the Hand Basket Express Shuttle to arrive! These drinks are perfect for “warmer temperatures and/or summer time!

Meloncello

Prep Time: 5 min   Level: Easy Serves: 1 drink

Ingredients

    Yellow or pink cocktail sugar or sanding sugar (sold at specialty stores), optional
    1 cup cubed seedless watermelon
    Ice cubes
    3 1/2 ounces limoncello
    1/2 ounce lemon-flavored or light rum
    Splash club soda
    Lemon wedge

Directions

Rim a rocks glass with the sugar, if desired, and put in the freezer. Puree the watermelon cubes in a blender until juicy.

Fill the prepped glass with ice. Add the watermelon juice, limoncello and rum. Top off with enough club soda to give the drink a light bubble. Garnish with the lemon wedge. Drink.

 

Honey Punch

Level: Easy

Directions

Dissolve 1/2 cup honey in 1/2 cup boiling water. Let cool, then pour into a pitcher; add the juice of 2 lemons, 2 cups apricot nectar and 1 cup vodka, if desired. Chill. Add a bottle of sparkling apple juice to the pitcher. Serve over ice with lemon slices.

 

Champagne Cocktails

Prep Time: 10 min  Level: Easy  Serves: 2 drinks

Directions

Combine 2 ounces each orange juice and raspberry liqueur (such as chambord) in a cocktail shaker. Fill with ice and shake well. Strain into 2 flutes and top with sparkling rose. Garnish with raspberries.

Both Martini & Rossi and Yellow Tail makes an affordable and easily obtainable sparkling rose.

 

OK that’s  one warning at the beginning and TWO warnings in a row for this link if I have to explain more than that put your computer back in the box and take it back where you got it.

Sure Beats Solitaire

Guys ( ESPECIALLY Impish) will be playing this all day {Click below to start )

Match the Snatch

Didn’t like the link or my comments? Since it’s already been ordained by the rabidly self- righteous overly opinionated religious hypocrites here abouts I’m going to hell anyway, I have a graphic expressing my sentiment for that too.

Is ‘religious humor’ an oxymoron?

November 19, 2002|Todd Leopold CNN  http://articles.cnn.com/2002-11-19/entertainment/religious.humor_1_religious-humor-religion-e-mail/2?_s=PM:SHOWBIZ

People take their religions very seriously.

Step over the line, and you invite lines — of picketers and protesters, letters to the editor, and in the worst-case scenarios, terrorists and suicide bombers.

Chicago artist Dick Detzner found that out first-hand when his painting, “The Last Pancake Breakfast,” was displayed in a suburban Chicago gallery.

The work depicts the icons of several breakfast products — Tony the Tiger, Trix the Rabbit, Quisp — surrounding a Jesus-posed Mrs. Butterworth in a parody of Leonardo da Vinci’s “The Last Supper.”

Very quickly, the painting was the center of a controversy.

“I’d shown the painting in Chicago and Champaign. People enjoyed it — there was no big fuss,” says Detzner. But when it hit the suburbs, “People petitioned the museum to have it removed. … I got tons of e-mail, with various forms of outrage.”

Robert Darden wishes it were otherwise. As the editor of The Door, “the world’s pretty much only religious humor and satire magazine” (as he describes it in an e-mail), he says religion needs humor if only to burst a few overinflated balloons.

“At its best, religious satire fulfills the Old Testament mandate to break down idols,” Darden says in an e-mail interview. “As a culture, we’re idol-makin’ fools — wealth, glory, prestige, power, personalities. … If fallible, wounded People of God resist that [mandate] — be it [idols such as] a Golden Calf or a golden-throat TV evangelist — then they’re doing themselves a grave disservice.”

Religion and humor have a checkered history. There are a few stories in the Bible, such as the story of Esther and the tale of Eutychus in the Book of Acts, that have humorous elements, and Darden mentions that Martin Luther was capable of funny asides.

Then there are the countless “rabbi, priest and minister” jokes, though many of them make fun of the messengers, not God or religion themselves.

Mostly because, in history in general, to laugh at religion was to invite harsh criticism, ostracism — or worse.

Darden refers to a 17th-century admonition that banned “games, sports, plays [and] comedies” because they didn’t agree with “Christian silence, gravity and sobriety.” The penalty wasn’t specified, but people have been killed for less throughout history.

Steve Lawler, an Episcopal priest who advises organizations on ethical questions, believes the humor-impaired are the ones that truly lack faith.

“Laughing at oneself and one’s own beliefs shows a kind of faith that escapes the literally minded,” he observes.

“The idea that there is a particular line to be drawn gets complicated right away. Who gets to draw the line? What happens to those who cross it? And, probably my biggest question — what are you so worried about?”

He notes that many religious festivals celebrate life-cycle events of the seasons and of human beings. Ironically, those festivals have sometimes been hijacked by people who miss the point of celebration, he says.

“These festivals have stories and activities that are meant for fun and for humor. It is the deficit of literalist and fundamentalist traditions that make the world less enchanted and more dour,” he says.

“They are proudly ignorant of their own histories and the practices of those others who have a stronger claim on the essential understanding of their tradition.”

Some religions seem to be more comfortable with humor than others. Mark Wallace, a professor of religion at Swarthmore College in Pennsylvania, theorizes that Judaism and Catholicism tend to have rich traditions of humor, particularly in America, because of the marginalization of their immigrant communities.

“I think humor comes out of pain,” he says. Jewish and Catholic immigrants, who found it hard to climb the ladder in the United States early on, used their pain to make fun of their betters and themselves, he says.

Lawler also has an explanation of why America’s Protestant denominations have less of a humor tradition.

“If we look at the Calvinist form of religion that undergirds American civil religion, we can see why there is a lack of books on the humor of folks in those traditions,” he says. “Anti-emotion and anti-body, there goes the belly laugh.”

Are norms changing? In the Western world, Darden believes they are.

“We’ve seen a lot more films and TV shows dare to wade in the once-forbidden waters of religion and humor, ranging from [Kevin Smith’s film] ‘Dogma’ to the Church Lady to anything Jerry Falwell says,” he says.

“Today, pastors do feel more free than ever before to crack the occasional joke from the pulpit — for which we’re all so grateful that we generally laugh much louder than the little jape deserves.”

For his part, Detzner — who says he was raised Catholic — points out that he’s piercing the idols of commerce, not so much religion. He has a whole series of paintings he’s titled “Corporate Sacrilege.”

“If I were to try to skewer religion, they’d know it,” he says. “There are times I tell people, the only way I can take your complaint seriously is saying Jesus is a syrup bottle.”

Besides, humor reminds us that we’re human, says Lawler.

“I have done a couple hundred weddings in my life,” he says. “I have noticed the people standing before me doing one of four things: crying, being stone-faced and fearful, being sincere, and giggling.

“Too many of the humorless have loss the fullness of their humanity. They stand stone-faced and scared before God. The sad thing is that they think the rest of us should as well.”

 

 

 

 

It is important for all of us — of all faiths — to recognize these four Religious Truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God’s chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Southern Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters or in the liquor store.

Why do Baptists object so strongly to pre-marital sex?

They’re afraid it might lead to drinking and dancing.

Two hundred Southern Baptists were stranded on Treasure Island in Disneyland Sunday night.

They refused to take the ferry.

Now the Southern Baptists are boycotting `The Flintstones’.

They absolutely refuse to have a gay ol’ time.

How many of Baptists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

FORNICATION!  It’s a sin to screw anywhere, even in light bulbs.

A Fundamentalist Baptist Minister in Alabama, sorely tempted, finally propositioned the Choir director one night after practice, when they were alone in the Church.

“Where should we do it, Reverend?” she enthusiastically replied.

“Right here on the floor!” he panted.

“It’d be too cold.” she whispered. “How about standing up?”

“Good Lord, girl!  Have you taken leave of you senses?” he shouted.

“If anyone came in, they’d think we were dancing!”

You might be a Southern Baptist if:

– You think God’s presence is strongest on the back three pews.
– Your definition of fellowship has something to do with food.
– You honestly believe that the Apostle Paul spoke King James English.
– You think Jesus actually used Welch’s grape juice and saltine crackers.
– You think someone who says “Amen” while the preacher is preaching might be a Charismatic.
– You clapped in church and felt guilty about it all week.
– You are old enough to get a senior discount at the pharmacy, but not old enough to promote to the Senior Adult Sunday School.

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard, when suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing and stopped, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After several hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘Choose Life’ license plate, the ‘What Would Jesus Do?’ bumper sticker, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.

Today’s Issue seem a bit….excessively irreverent? Harsh? Sour? Seem a little over the top even for my usual level of curmudgeonliness and sarcasm? Wonder what it is that has my knickers in a knot?

Don’t miss today’s last Last Word then where all shall be made clear!

One day a man dies, who was a devout Christian. Saint Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and begins to give him a tour of Heaven. As the tour goes on, Saint Paul points out all the different Christians. “There’s the Catholics, there’s the Lutherans, the Methodists, the Presbyterians”, and so forth. As they come to this one group way off to themselves, Saint Paul motions for the man to come closer and whispers. “Now, for this next group, we need to be really quiet. They are the Baptists and they think they’re the only ones in Heaven.”

 

The Catholic Church’s air conditioning broke down, so they had to hire a man to crawl around in the ducts and figure out what was wrong.
As the man peeked down through one of the vents in the sanctuary, he saw little old Mrs. Murphy kneeling by the altar, apparently saying her rosary. The man thought it would be funny to try and mess with the lady’s mind.
In his best authoritative voice, he said, “This is Jesus. Your prayers will be answered.”
The little old lady didn’t even blink, just kept on saying her prayers. The man decided maybe she didn’t hear him, and tried again. “This is Jesus, the Son of God! Your prayers will be answered!”
Again, she didn’t react at all. Mustering up a big breath of air, the man decided to try again. “THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD! YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!”
The lady looks up and says, “SHUT UP! I’M TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER!”

The Devil in Mr. Bean

 

The religious cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!”
“Not really,” said the cow. “Your name is written inside the cover.”

 

 

 

Well that goes a long way to explaining their justification for being so narrow minded!

Am I the only one concerned that it reads ‘that ass’ as opposed to her ass?

Some jokes are just too easy to even make!

and…

and…

leads us to…

Yeah well with all that tongue going on that’s not much of a surprise now is it?

Again They are Making It Too Easy For Me! Especially After All That Tongue Stuff Going On

WOW! he must be SERIOUSLY disappointed!

Oh I’d say they got their real message across just fine! Then again maybe that’s the problem with it!

My point EXACTLY!!

I’m confused… I thought Leviticus made it clear this type of thing was strictly forbidden.

He wasn’t really sick probably just as disgusted with his fan club as I am

Now THAT would be enough to frighten the HELL out of me for sure!

Redneck Church

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …

the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ’em.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … when the pastor says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,” four guys stand up.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … on the opening day of deer season the church is closed.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of”

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … the choir is known as the “OK Chorale”.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … people think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized “Wheeling” washtub.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob’s Barbecue.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … the collection plates are really hubcaps from a 1956 Chevy pick up truck.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … “Thou shall not covet” applies to huntin’ dogs, too.

You know You’re in a Redneck Church if … the final words of the benediction are, “Y’all come back now, Ya hear.”

 

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything.Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said, “Preacher, why did you ask us to come?”
The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I want to go.”

I see a frightening Obama parallel here

Good News / Bad News for a Pastor

Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

Good News: The women’s group voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

Good News: The pastor-parish relations committee accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it that they asked the bishop to send a new minister capable of filling the position.

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of the parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: Your biggest critic just left your community.
Bad News: He has been appointed as your conference bishop.

Good News: The youth of the church came to your house for a visit.
Bad News: It was in the middle of the night and they were armed with toilet paper and shaving cream.

Good News: The Church Council has agreed to send you to the Holy Land for study.
Bad News: They are waiting for war to breakout before sending you.

 

 

Apparently refusal to agree to any religious organizations beliefs immediately condemns you to their particular flavor of hell, especially if you are not one of “them” and refuse to hear their conversion pitch or are extremely rude to the bible toting Q-tip army when they pound on your door for 15 minutes at 7:45 on a Sunday morning to invite you to their Sunday Service because “they have “noticed” that for 4 Sundays straight you have not been out on Sunday morning in time for Services anywhere.

In addtion to the tings I outlined in my opening comments additonal I’ve gotten two e-mails this week, one from a religious nut case who is apparently local here to Houston as well as one from the Pastor of said nut case. I don’t know how many of you have read the “About Lethal Leprechaun bio blurb that appears (at least on the blog where you are SUPPOSED to be reading this) at the end of each blog. Well it contains a few honest comments like the following which apparently have sealed my fate as hell bound:

• I believe in being the kind of man who, when my feet touch the floor in the morn’, causes the Devil to say “BUGGER ME! HIMSELF IS UP!”
• as well as ( believing in) Arizona’s stringent law on Immigration.
• I am a Life Time Member of the NRA, a Charter Member of the Patriots’ Border Alliance and North American Hunters Association. If there is a season for it and I can shoot one I’ll eat it and proudly wear its fur. I believe PETA exists solely to be a forum for Gays, Vegetarians, Hollywood snobbery to stupid to get into politics and Soybean Growers. The ACLU stopped protecting our civil liberties sometime after the 1960s and now serves its own bigoted headline grabbing agenda much in the same way as the Southern Poverty Law Center.
• I am Pro-choice both when it comes to the issue of abortion AND school prayer.

The highlighted phrases were apparently religiously incendiary and offensive to this ‘saved again” individual. Which raises a question in my mind…’the phrase ‘saved again’ bothers and confuses me profoundly. Does that mean they were not saved correctly the 1st time? CAN they sue for religious malpractice? Some place down the line will a religious sect of those “saved yet again” pop up because they didn’t get it right this time either?

Of particular blasphemy apparently were my Pro-choice views and stance on the Southern Poverty Laws Center. These in the “Pastor’s view” apparently require (and no I am NOT joking) that I submit to the Preacher contact information for my over 70 and in poor health mother so that he might discuss my apparently religiously improper and deficient upbringing and warn her she is hell bound as well! It pains me unfortunately that I cannot under advice of council, local law enforcement and a fervent request from Moll,y as well as out of respect for Impish’s health (to say nothing of his shaky sanity) name names here as well as name the particular religious organization they belong to. Rest assured that this issue is being dealt with and swiftly via formal & official channels.

Don’t get me wrong I have my set of religious beliefs same as the next man and hold them as tightly and as dearly. I’ll grant you to some they may seem hard to understand and possibly, given the amount of partisan religious indoctrination (pronounce that brain washing) we are given as children, hard to accept but they are MINE and I have the exact same right to them as you do. In fact unless you have actually served in defense and protection of those rights I arguably have MORE right to them than you do!

The freedom to worship or not worship as you see fit and WITHOUT FEAR OF REPRISAL, coupled the right to free speech are IMHO two of the greatest things about the U.S.A. HOWEVER, I DO NOT hold to the notion that either of those give you the right to perpetually proselytize your religion in my face, harass and persecute me for refusing to tolerate this behavior, not accepting your religion into my life or gives you the right to pass your hypocritical final judgment on me. Likewise your self-righteous, self-superior narrow minded religious zealotry DOES NOT grant you the right to be a jackass about it, ignore common societal courtesy, and civil law or disregard consideration and respect for the privacy of others because “you are doing God’s work!”

Lastly it has not escaped my notice that the exact same people, having failed to forcibly convert me to their religion to control my way of thinking and the choices I make to match theirs with threats of hell and damnation now are seeking to meddle in our nations politics to achieve their ends. I say it has not escaped my notice but actually its been going on for a hell of a long time. The Pro-Life/Pro-Choice Issue is a campaigning politician’s nightmare and is capable of causing as quick a death for a campaign as the issue of Social Security reform which was once known affectionately as the “third rail”of US politics.

I think if religions are going to attempt to achieve their agendas by interfering in  our elections and lobbying Congress that we should return the favor and take away their tax exempt status and make them register as political interest groups and /or lobbies. I think their accounting books ought to be open to governmental inspections and audits and that they should be subject to the same labor laws, and taxes as any other business and/or charitable institution is.

I can hear them screaming already can’t you? “FIRST AMENDMENT!! SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE!” In fact I am sort of reminded of an Editorial cartoon I ran some time ago regarding religions hypocrisy in a related area:

 

If you re-label the Atheist as  Congress and change the religious zealots words in the first picture to reflect all or all of the things they are constantly trying to force legislators to pass NOT because any of it is in the national interest but because they wish to impose their beliefs and values forcibly on others with total wanton disregard for any other belief systems and their values, I think you get the idea pretty clearly. Threaten to treat them the same as other special interest groups and political activists, they start screaming just like in the second picture and whining about the First Amendment.

Well I have news for them, the First Amendment DOES NOT SAY that government cannot make rules concerning religion OR REGULATING ITS BEHAVIOR! What it DOES say is that:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof;

I say either religion backs off and stops trying to Become our government AND THERE BY VIOLATE MY FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHTS or the rest of us are going to see that our Government in acts laws regulating the participation of religions, churches and their spokes people in our government process as well as laws which cause you to be treated just like every other corporate entity, special interest group or capitol hill lobby group!

I’m the (very livid) LethalLeprechaun and I say to the self-righteous, self-superior narrow minded religious zealots of the world:

My religious beliefs and their practice are just that MINE! They are not subject to your scrutiny comment or judgment. This guaranteed me by virtue of my civil rights as defined in the Fist Amendment of the Bill of Rights. I respect your rights to your religion and beliefs now leave me and mine the hell alone!

Good Morning Campers!  It’s Thursday and the weekend approacheth.  Even though it’s only been a four-day week, it seems like it’s lasting forever.
I hope everyone had a safe and happy holiday and that we’re all back, safe and sound.  Everyone look around.  Check on your tent-mates and cabin-buddies.  Make sure everyone is accounted for.  Please report anyone who is missing to the Lost and Found desk in the Camp Leader’s cabin.

Okay, grab your coffee and let’s go.  Got a lot of ground to cover this morning.

So?  Everybody ready?

Okay then….

Let’s Laugh!

You guys remember this picture from the other day?
Do you remember the caption that was under it?

Our good buddy and fellow camper Jonathon writes:

I wrote back and told him that he was the only one who spotted it and wrote in.  (Others of you may have spotted it, but didn’t write in.)  He was so happy that his 5th grade history paid off that he’s trying to get a spot on the TV Show, “Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader”.  We’re right behind you Jonathon.  You go for it!

 

 

I found this next bit very interesting.

The Four Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,

The second man was an Accountant,

The third man was a Chemist, and

The fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, “T-square, do your stuff.”
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and
promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, “What can your cat do?”

The Government Employee called his cat and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.”

Coffee Break jumped to his feet…….

Ate the cookies……..

Drank the milk……..

Crapped on the paper…….

Screwed the other three cats…….

Claimed he injured his back while doing so……

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions…….

Put in for Workers Compensation………………

and Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave…………


AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

Okay, I must take exception to this joke!  I work for the government and I have to tell you that there ain’t no way in hell that cat could’ve filed the paperwork for the grievance report for unsafe working conditions AND the paperwork for Workman’s Comp and had any time left in the day to take off sick!

Okay, who’s been taking pictures of me at lunch?

Here’s a couple of quick Q & A groaners from our old pal Zack:

Q:What do you call a haunted wigwam?
A: A creepy tee-pee.

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Unplug it!

Okay, this is GREAT!  First we get 74 year-old former Astronaut Buzz Aldrin punching a Moon Conspiracy Stalker dead in the face, then down below, you get the myth buster guys proving how the whole moon landing hoax is a myth, by using their own proofs back at them.

http://dailybail.com/home/must-see-video-74-year-old-former-astronaut-buzz-aldrin-punc.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+TheDailyBail+%28The+Daily+Bail%29

Mary Maxwell is one funny lady, proving that laughter is the best medicine: http://www.caregiverstress.com/2010/07/a-reminder-that-laughter-is-the-best-medicine/

I was wondering why I hadn’t seen Bubbles around lately.

Thanks to Ginny for these True Definitions:

True Definitions

TRAFFIC LIGHT — apparatus that automatically turns red when your car
approaches.

DIVORCE — postgraduate in School of Love.

PIONEER — early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the
woods.

PEOPLE — some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the
majority has no idea what’s happened.

SWIMMING POOL — a mob of people with water in it.

SELF-CONTROL — the ability to eat only one peanut.

SALESMAN — man with ability to convince wife she’d look fat in mink.

CANNIBAL — person who likes to see other people stewed.

EGOCENTRIC — a person who believes he is everything you know you are.

FOREIGN FILM — any movie shown in Texas theater that isn’t a western.

OPTIMIST — girl who regards a bulge as a curve.

MAGAZINE — bunch of printed pages that tell you what’s coming in the next
issue.

COLLEGE: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the
telephone.

EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, fire department and places that deliver.

OPERA: When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he
sings.

BUFFET: A French word that means “Get up and get it yourself.”

BABY-SITTER: A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults
who are out can behave like teen-agers.

TATTOO: Permanent proof of temporary insanity.

 

 

I gotta tell you, as someone who’s had to sit on his ass quite a bit doing paperwork lately, this one bothered me a lot:

Risks of Sitting Down

Did you know, Sitting down for more than six hours a day can increase your risk of death by as much as 40%! From increased risk of heart disease and obesity in the long term, to sharply hampered cholesterol maintenance in the short term, the negative health effects of sitting are starting to weigh heavily against the benefits.

Here is a fantastic info-graphic on the health risks of sitting, very informative!

What one man and a chainsaw can do: http://lumberjocks.com/Grumpy/blog/8378

Redneck Skeet Shooting

The answer is 8. (Click here for explanation, then look for definition #4)

I’m not sure American audiences are ready for this type of commercial just yet! 

Fleggaard Holding A/S, through its subsidiaries, markets electronic appliances.  The company specializes in selling televisions and radio sets.   

Fleggaard Holding is based in Krusaa , Denmark .  Just across Germany ‘s northern-most border with Denmark you’ll find an incredible superstore called Fleggaard.  There, you can buy everything you need – tubs of gummi bears, cases of wine, industrial strength dishwashing soap – at prices 30% cheaper than you’ll find in Denmark .  It is Denmark ‘s Costco, packaged as a German loophole. 

The 100+ women do stunts in the air – while free-falling – holding hands to spell out “Half-off on Dishwasher soap at Fleggaard.”  You’d be hard-pressed to find a man in Denmark who hasn’t seen and fallen in love with that commercial.  It was geared strictly to men.  The ad is real! 

Here is a link to simply the best advertisement ever made.   
  
http://www.m2film.dk/fleggaard/trailer2.swf

Okay, so I’m REALLY short on time and I’m going to be lazy and make today’s Last Word one of THE funniest stories I’ve ever read.  I know we’ve all probably seen this one before, but it’s worth repeating:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home… I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ‘Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE… !!!
I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

• My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
• The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
• My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
• My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
• I had no control over the drooling.
• Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
• I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

Morning Campers!

Welcome to  another LeprechaunLaffs and another oh so non-glorious Wednesday. The only thing it has going for it this week is it’s a four day week so this is actually only the second work day of the week instead of the third. Of course I don’t know how it is with the place you work but the jerk I have for a boss is making me work four ten hour long days to make up for Monday. Oh, did I mention I’m self employed?

Damn! Them sunburns still look painful! Some of you are sporting killer sets of “sunglass eyes” too. Ya look like a bunch or reversed red raccoons!

We keep it up the moisturizer and the cool water with white vinegar compresses on the really bad areas. Also ease off on the caffeine and increase the old H²0 intake for a few days

I decided to hold off a week on Warrior Wednesday since we already got our patriotic pride on with the 4th of July and all this week already. I get you guts too amped up on that stuff you’re liable to go all Rambo on me and storm Washington or something.

LETS LAUGH IT UP!

 

 

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rip, and every once in a while a $20 would fall out onto the sidewalk..
Noticing this, a policeman stops her and says, ‘Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.

”Oh really? Darn,’ says the little old lady. ‘I’d better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me.’

‘Well now, not so fast,’ says the policeman. ‘How did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?

”Oh no,’ says the little old lady. ‘You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thingy through the fence, I grab it and say, $20 or off it comes!’

‘OK, that seems only fair,’ laughs the cop. ‘So good luck to you… Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?

”Well, you know,’ says the little old lady, ‘not everybody pays!’

The Google Guitar Song

Because groaners come in all forms!

 

 

Some Myths About Sunburns Debunked

Some of you really looked like you could use this advice.

1. Have you wondered if you can get sunburn or tan through a window? A window acts like a sunscreen. It does not block all the UV radiation but it does block the most dangerous wavelengths of UV radiation. Glass absorbs short wavelength ultraviolet light, but it does pass 350 to 400 nanometer ultraviolets. While this longer wavelength ultraviolet is less harmful than the shorter wavelength variety, you can still tan or burn if you get enough exposure. You will burn much more quickly when driving with the windows down and exposed to the sun as compared to driving with the windows up and exposed to the sun.

2. It is erroneously thought that a tan is healthy and protects you from sunburn. In actuality, a tan results from the body defending itself against further damage from UV radiation. A tan does somewhat protect the body from the sun, BUT a tan over white skin acts only as about an SPF 4 sunscreen. A tan may look beautiful, but that does not mean the skin is healthier than non-tanned skin. Sunburns greatly increase the risk of skin cancer, wrinkles, freckled skin and leathery skin later in life. The use of tanning beds and laying out in the sun results is long term damage to the skin if done for several years (especially fair-skinned people).

3. It is an incorrect notion to think that if the skin feels cool it will not sunburn as quickly. Although a cool breeze, swimming, or cooler temperatures will make the skin feel more comfortable, it is getting the same dose of UVV radiation as when the wind is light and temperatures are hot. Some people make the mistake of staying out in the sun longer since they don’t feel hot. Then they go inside and realize they overexposed themselves.

4. Another myth is thinking that taking breaks while sunbathing reduces the chance for sunburn. In actuality, sunburning exposure is cumulative during the day.

5. You may have heard this: “you can get a sunburn just as quickly on a cloudy day as compared to a sunny day”. In many cases this is completely false. On an overcast day, especially an overcast rainy day, the amount of UV reaching the surface is significantly reduced. Any overcast conditions will reduce UV radiation reaching the surface. With this said, partly cloudy conditions do NOT reduce the sunburn risk much. Some people make the mistake of staying outside longer when there is cloud cover. This increased time can make up for the fact there is less UV radiation reaching the surface. This mistake is worst on a partly cloudy day.

6. It is sometimes erroneously thought that water is a sunblock. Shallow water offers minimal protection from UV, and reflections from water can enhance the UV exposure also.

7. Sunblock is not a perfect protection from the sun. It is easy to miss spots on the skin when putting on sunblock. The sunblock does not protect the eyes. Some people make the mistake of staying out in the sun much longer when they have the sunblock on. Given enough time, the skin will burn even with sunblock on. This is especially true if sweat and swimming wear off the sunblock effects.

The man tells his doctor that his wife hasn’t wanted to have sex
with him for the past 7 months. The physician tells the man to
bring his wife in so he can talk to her.

When the wife comes to office, the doctor asks her why doesn’t
she want to have sex with her husband any more.

“For the last 7 months,” the wife replies, “every morning I take
a cab to work. I don’t make much money and my husband doesn’t
give more than bus fare, so the cab driver always asks me, ‘So
are you going to pay today or what?’ I always give him an ‘or
what’. That makes me late for work. I’m late, so the boss asks
me, ‘So are we going to dock your salary, or what?’ That’s
another ‘or what.’ On the way home, I take the cab and again I
don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going
to pay this time or what?’ And, again, I do an ‘or what’.
So you see, Doctor, when I get home I’m all tired out and I don’t
want sex any more.”

The doctor thinks for a second. “So,” he says, “are we going to
tell your husband or what?”

 

“School Excuse”

At the school where my mother worked, the two first-grade teachers were Miss Paine and Mrs. Hacking. One morning the mother of a student called in the middle of a flu epidemic to excuse her daughter from school.

“Is she in Paine or Hacking?” the school secretary asked.

“She feels fine,” said the confused mom. “We have company and I’m keeping her home.”

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.

“Good man,” the fairy said, “I’ve been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children.”

The man told the fairy, “Well, where I come from we don’t have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.”

The fairy looked at the man’s almost toothless grin and — PING !– he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
“What else?” asked the fairy, “Two more to go.”

The refugee claimant now got bolder. “I need a big house with a three-car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country.. I want to bring them all over here” — and — PING !– in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three-car garage, a long driveway,and a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

“One more wish,” said the fairy, waving her wand.

“Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans” —and — PING ! — The man was transformed – wearing worn-out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt, and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

“What happened to my new teeth?” he wailed. “Where is my new house?”

THIS IS GOOD . . . . . . . . NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD . . . . . .

The fairy said, “Tough shit, Amigo, now that you are a white American, you have to fend for yourself.”

 

Today’s response comes from…ME! OK so actually its more in the form of an update than a response r rebuttal but I don’t have a graphic for that just yet and no time at the moment to make one so I am making due.

The subject of the update is the issue I brought to your attention in Monday’s Last Word regarding local veterans and volunteer groups accusing the Department of Veterans Affairs officials of censoring religious speech — including the word “God” — at Houston National Cemetery.

Well apparently I was not alone in my outrage over this, a lot of local vets, church officials and just plain patriotic American folk were angered enough to stage an impromptu demonstration at the Houston National Cemetery on the 4th of July.

Houstonians take a stand for God

Hundreds protest over reports of censorship at ceremonies in Houston National Cemetery

By LINDSAY WISE Copyright 2011, HOUSTON CHRONICLE July 4, 2011, 9:25PM

http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/military/7639350.html#ixzz1REvXRvkI

Hundreds of flag-waving demonstrators converged on Houston National Cemetery on Independence Day to protest reports of religious censorship at burial services there.

“We felt it was one of the best ways we could have spent this time of the Fourth of July,” said Marine veteran Steve Cranston, a 58-year-old pastor from Houston who attended the protest with his wife, Judy, 66. “We feel like it’s our duty.”

“And I believe the ones who are already buried here would be right with us,” his wife said.

The Houston Area Pastor Council planned Monday’s protest in support of a federal lawsuit filed by the nonprofit Liberty Institute on behalf of American Legion Post 586, Veterans of Foreign Wars District 4, and National Memorial Ladies, a volunteer group that attends burials at the cemetery.

The suit accuses U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs officials and Houston National Cemetery director Arleen Ocasio of banning members of these groups from invoking the names of “God” or “Jesus” at burials, and forbidding the recitation of religious messages unless the deceased’s family submits the text to her for approval.

Ocasio has not responded to requests for comment. Other VA officials, however, say the names of God and Jesus are not only allowed during interments, they are freely spoken at national cemeteries across the country.

“We cherish the religious freedoms our Veterans secured for us,” Steve Muro, VA’s Under Secretary for Memorial Affairs, said in a statement published online Friday. “At all VA national cemeteries, families are free to choose and use the burial rites and rituals that are meaningful or sacred to them. … Families are equally free to have a service without religious references.”

Bikers, vets and moms

Such reassurances did little to assuage the anger of protesters clad in red, white and blue who rallied Monday in the Hemicycle, a large, circular memorial at the heart of the cemetery. Bikers in leather jackets stood shoulder-to-shoulder with women in tea party T-shirts, and veterans in combat fatigues. They sang God Bless America, waved Bibles and flags over their heads, shouted God bless yous and prayed.

“Thank God Ocasio and Obama don’t write the Constitution,” read one woman’s sign. “Just wish they would READ it!!!”

“Take back America!” read another sign.

The crowd booed every mention of Ocasio’s name as they listened to preachers and lawmakers deliver speeches from a generator-powered public address system.

“The director of this cemetery, since she got here about a year ago, has engaged in systematic oppression of religious speech on this ground,” said Dave Welch, executive director of the Houston Area Pastor Council.

Welch said the strong turnout demonstrates to veterans’ groups and volunteers who attend burials at the cemetery that they’re not alone.

“They’re not going to fight this battle by themselves,” he said. “We’re here to tell them that you are not, on our watch, going to tell them that they can’t invoke the names of God or Jesus Christ.”

Paul Bettencourt, former Harris County Tax Assessor-Collector, led a chant calling for Ocasio’s resignation. He urged the crowd to shout loud enough to reach the ears of Eric Shinseki, Secretary of Veterans Affairs, in Washington D.C.

‘We want a new director!’ protesters shouted.

“What is it if you can’t say the word God at a national cemetery?” Bettencourt asked.

“Tyranny!” the crowd roared.

U.S. Rep. Pete Olson, R-Sugar Land, told protesters he was furious.

“I apologize,” Olson said. “Outraged is the only word I can think of to say because as a Navy veteran, all sorts of words are coming to my mind right now.”

The congressman was among several lawmakers who spoke at the protest Monday, including U.S. Rep. Ted Poe, R-Humble, state Rep. Allen Fletcher, R-Tomball, state Rep. Debbie Riddle, R-Tomball, and Harris County Clerk Stan Stanart.

After the protest, Vietnam veteran Jim German recuperated from the blazing heat in a patch of shade at the edge of the Hemicycle.

“I have a lot of friends who are buried out here, and who paid the ultimate price,” said the 63-year-old retired Continental pilot. “To have the director of this facility try to censor religious speech, to censor the name of God, is a slap in the face to not only every American who believes in God, but it’s a slap in the face to every veteran who fought for our freedom.”

I was rather dismayed that so few of you were moved by this issue enough to even leave a comment in support of my stand or expressing your outrage over such an affront. This may seem like a local issue to you but I assure you its not, your veterans are being systematically disrespected and slapped in the face by the VA on a daily basis all over the USA.

I’m glad to see that now I may have just been out front of the pack a little howling for blood and that maybe the ground swell of opposition to this travesty has started.

Flash Mob at Cape Cod Stop and Shop

At 5pm on July 1st, 2011 in Orleans, Cape Cod, MA, shoppers stocking
up for the 4th of July got a surprise shot of patriotism to start their
weekend!
This flash mob was organized by http://www.SpiritofAmericaband.org to wish everyone a happy 4th of July!

 

 

A woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a
refund for the toaster she bought because it won’t work The clerk told her
that he couldn’t give her a refund because she bought it on special. *
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,
‘PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES !’
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks,’Ma’am what’s wrong ?’*
She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he
can’t give her a refund because she bought it on special. *
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,
‘PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES !’
Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd !

In shock, the store manager pleads,

”Ma’am , why are you saying that ?’

In a huff , the woman says ,

‘BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I’M BEING SCREWED !’

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded !

Did you ever wonder how old some of your favorite cartoon characters were? Well, here are their real ages. They may surprise you. Our third and final installment in the series.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the
wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the
biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, ‘I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go
up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive
is going to cost us.’

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A voice with a warm lilting brogue said, ‘Come on in.’

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was
all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side
near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, ‘Are you the people that broke my
window?’

‘Uh…yeah! , sir. We’re sure sorry about that,’ the husband replied.

‘Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see,
I’m a Leprechaun, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll
give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one
for my self.’

Wow, that’s great!’ the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted
out, ‘I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.’

‘No problem,’ said the Leprechaun ‘You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do.
And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life!’

‘And now you, young lady, what do you want?’ the Leprechaun asked.
‘I’d like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete
with servants,’ she said.

‘Consider it done,’ the Leprechaun said. ‘And your homes will always be safe
from fire, burglary and natural disasters!’

And now,’ the couple asked in unison, ‘what’s your wish, Leprechaun?’

‘Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, and haven’t been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your
wife.’

The husband looked at his wife and said, ‘Gee, honey, you know we both
now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?’

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, ‘You know, you’re right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about
you, honey?’

You know I love you sweetheart,’ said the husband. I’d do the same for you!’

So the Leprechaun and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
the afternoon enjoying each other. The Leprechaun was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the Leprechaun rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your
husband?’

‘Why, we’re both 35,’ she responded breathlessly.

‘No Kidding,’ he said.   ‘Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in Leprechauns?’

And THAT is the TRUE story of how I met Impish Dragon and his wife.

 

 

Impish sort of stole some of my thunder for today’s PSA with is piece from the Electronic Freedom Foundation on your search and seizure rights. I was planning on covering those rights along with your more conventional rights if stopped in your vehicle, on the street or they come to your house for any reason. Since Impish has taken the easy part I’ll finish the job.

I’ll let the following pictures do most of the talking for me.

 

 

 

 

Here is a link to the above card in Pdf format for you to print out, cut out and carry with you. http://ssdp.org/assets/files/resources/promotional/Know%20Your%20Rights%20Wallet%20Card.pdf

Now here is some more excellent advice from an expert source. This time on what to and more importantly what not to say to cops and why you should never agree to speak with police without legal council present. I will admit this is a bit lengthy but I would strongly advise watching it fully and paying close attention. You could potentially save yourself some nasty experiences and very large legal bills.

Don’t Talk to Police

An law school professor and former criminal defense attorney tells you why you should never agree to be interviewed by the police.

 

The true meaning of “I’ve got you by the balls”

 

CONFUCIUS DIDN’T SAY BUT IMPISH DRAGON DID!

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up womans’ leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS NO SAY. . .

A lion will not cheat on his wife, but Tiger Wood

 

We do not have just a guest author of a Last Word today folks, we have a self professed “Guest Ranter”. Take it away Tom, the floor is all yours!

What prompts people to rant about things? Some just like to bitch, as the professional protesters. We all have our own reasons for what we do. I do it to possibly educate, or inform and yes, to blow some steam before the overpressure plug erupts.

I was listening to some discussion about what is the greatest threat to America and heard several answers. The main concern was the economy although there were others. Fears range from terrorism to global warming.

I disagree. The most serious threat to America and the world is Barack Hussein Obama and his administration. Anyone who has a military background, or knows about it, also knows that we are obligated to fight all enemies, foreign and domestic. We have a domestic enemy destroying our country from within. Obama hates this country and what it stands for. Billions of dollars are given to nations that support and breed terrorism. Obama is not creating jobs, but destroying jobs with taxes and regulations that force business out of the country, or out of business.

Obama says we cannot drill for oil in the Gulf of Mexico, yet he encourages Brazil to do so and promises that the United States will be their best customer.

Obama says that our friendship with Israel cannot be broken. Really? Why is Israel on his list of countries that sponsor terrorism? I.C.E. Treats Israel the same as Iran, Syria, Somalia and other terrorist sponsored countries. Is that how he shows friendship? He treats what allies we have like a bunch of pigs and then bows down to communist dictators who want to kill us.

Since Obama took office, there have been no new prisoners brought to Guantanamo Bay. Captured enemies have been either killed, or released. I don’t think that is because the prison is full.

Guns, ammo, drugs and illegal immigrants flowing across the Mexican border causing murder and chaos on both sides and the laws are ignored, or not enforced. Explain that to the families of the thousands of murder victims.

More restrictions and objections to American rights are surfacing every day. Veterans told that they can’t use the words God, Jesus, or peace in their ceremonies is wrong. Citizens taken to court for displaying the American Flag is ludicrous. The omission of God in our National Anthem and Pledge of Allegiance is no accident. NO ONE is that stupid.

Watch out for the media! They tell us that all the things the government does is good for us. They want to tell us when to get up and when to go to bed, how much salt or sugar to eat. What car to buy and how to do almost everything. They tell us what light bulbs to use or we will be fined. It’s a small start to us losing everything, one piece at a time. It’s almost too late and maybe it is.

Now 3.2 million teachers will be giving to the Obama campaign. Not a choice, but a requirement by the union. Is that fair, or legal? No, but the law and constitution means very little, or nothing to Barack Hussein Obama. He even said, “I’m the President. I can do what I want.”

I was asked if I had any suggestions. Start with a trash can for Obama Care before it leaves 72 million American workers without health care. Zero capital gain tax would bring overseas jobs back where they want to be. Stop the EPA regulations that are killing business and jobs. End the expansion of big government and give it back to the people. Stop aid to countries who hate us. Bring back our troops and put 50,000 of them on the Mexican border to enforce it and another 50,000 to remove the illegal immigrants.

Obama is not an idiot. Those who voted for him are and those who continue to support him will get what they deserve. For the rest of us, we need to educate and show the truth.

George Washington did not have wooden teeth, Benjamin Franklin was not a President and Barack Hussein Obama did not kill Osama bin laden. Stop the political correct bullshit and tell people how you feel and get the backbone to stand up for what is right!

Good Morning Campers!
Rise and Shine!
I know we were all out late last night, watching fireworks, eating burgers and dogs from the grill and drinking a cold beverage, but it’s Tuesday…time to get up and get back to work.  Go grab yourself a cup of coffee from the chuck wagon, grab a seat around the fire and relax a little before you have to actually get moving.

Wasn’t yesterday’s 4th of July, Independence Day, America’s Birthday issue super?  LL put an awful lot of effort into it and it sure showed.  Very nicely done my friend.

Well, let’s get this party started….or this agony, whichever is more appropriate this morning.  Probably a little of each if you’re like me.

Let’s Laugh!

Independence Day Myths Debunked…thanks to K²

Thomas Jefferson (left), Benjamin Franklin, and John Adams draft the Declaration of Independence in 1776.  (Illustration courtesy of Jean Leon Gerome Ferris, Library of Congress)

Many time-honored patriotic tales turn out to be more fiction than fact. In anticipation of the Fourth of July, here’s a look at some memorable myths from the birth of the United States.

1. The Declaration of Independence Was Signed on July 4

Independence Day is celebrated two days too late. The Second Continental Congress voted for a Declaration of Independence on July 2, prompting John Adams to write his wife, “I am apt to believe that [July 2, 1776], will be celebrated, by succeeding Generations, as the great anniversary Festival.”

Adams correctly foresaw shows, games, sports, buns, bells, and bonfires—but he got the date wrong. The written document wasn’t edited and approved until the Fourth of July, and that was the date printers affixed to “broadside” announcements sent out across the land. July 2 was soon forgotten.

In fact, no one actually signed the Declaration of Independence at any time during July 1776. Signing began on August 2, with John Hancock’s famously bold scribble, and wasn’t completed until late November.

2. Paul Revere Rode Solo

Patriot Paul Revere really did hit the road on the night of April 18, 1775, to alert the countryside that British troops were on the move. But the image of an inspired, lone rider isn’t accurate. Revere was part of a low-tech—but highly effective—early-warning system.

The system did include lanterns at Boston’s Old North Church, from whose steeple the church sexton, Robert Newman, held two lanterns as a signal that the British were coming. However Revere wasn’t watching for them that night.

Revere and fellow rider William Dawes, who was sent by a different route, successfully reached Lexington, Massachusetts, to warn Samuel Adams and John Hancock that they’d likely be arrested. But Revere and Dawes were captured by the British with third rider Samuel Prescott soon afterward.

The liberties later taken with the Revere legend weren’t mistakes but deliberate mythmaking by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, who intended his famous 19th-century poem to stoke patriotism on the eve of the Civil War. The ride’s real story is told at Paul Revere House, the Boston museum where Revere once lived and from which he left on that fateful night.

3. July 4, 1776, Party Cracked the Liberty Bell

U.S. Independence surely prompted a party, but joyful patriots didn’t ring the Liberty Bell until it cracked on July 4, 1776. In fact the State House Bell likely didn’t ring at all that day. It probably did ring, along with the city’s other bells, to herald the first public readings of the Declaration of Independence on July 8, according to a history of the bell published by the Pennsylvania Historical & Museum Commission

As for that crack, well, the bell had been poorly cast and cracked soon after its arrival in 1752. The bell was subsequently recast, and re-cracked, several times but was intact during the Revolutionary War.

Today’s iconic crack actually appeared sometime during the 19th century, though the exact date is in dispute. It was also during this period that the bell became popularly known as the Liberty Bell—a term coined by abolitionists.

4. Patriots Flocked to Fight for Freedom

This enduring image is accurate—when describing the beginning of the Revolutionary War. But as it became clear that the struggle for independence would be long and difficult, the enthusiasm of many American men for fighting began to wane, while their concerns for the well-being of their farms and other livelihoods grew.

After initial enlistment rushes, many colonies resorted to cash incentives as early as 1776 and states were drafting men by the end of 1778, according to historian John Ferling in a 2004 Smithsonian magazine article.

5. The Declaration of Independence Holds Secret Messages

Some revolutionary myths are of modern origin. There’s no invisible message or map on the back of the Declaration of Independence, as depicted in the film National Treasure. But the National Archives admits there is something written on the back of the priceless document.

A line on the bottom of the parchment reads “Original Declaration of Independence dated 4th July 1776.” Why? The large document would have been rolled for travel and storage during the 18th century, so the reverse-side writing likely acted as a label to identify the document while it was rolled up.

6. John Adams Died Thinking of Thomas Jefferson

Incredibly both John Adams and Thomas Jefferson did die on the Fourth of July, but there’s no real evidence to suggest that Adams’s final thoughts were with Jefferson or that he uttered “Jefferson survives” on his deathbed.

Even if he had, he’d have been wrong, as Jefferson beat him in death by several hours. The day does seem inauspicious for presidents, however. The less celebrated James Monroe also died on July 4, in 1831.

7. America United Against the British

The Revolutionary War also pitted Americans against Americans in large numbers. Perhaps 15 to 20 percent of all Americans were loyalists who supported the crown, according to the U.K. National Army Museum. Many others tried to stay out of the fight altogether.

Records from the period are sketchy at best, but an estimated 50,000 Americans served as British soldiers or militia at one time or another during the conflict, a significant force pitted against a Continental Army that may have included a hundred thousand regular soldiers over the course of the war.

8. Betsy Ross Made the First American Flag

There is no proof that Betsy Ross played any part in designing or sewing the American flag that made its debut in 1777. In fact, the story of the famous seamstress didn’t circulate until it was raised by her grandson nearly a century after the fact, and the only evidence is testimony to this family tradition.

To be fair, there’s also no conclusive evidence that Ross didn’t sew the flag, and there are several reasons why she just might have done so. The Betsy Ross House on Philadelphia’s Arch Street (where Ross may or may not have actually lived) tells the whole tale and leaves visitors to draw their own conclusions.

9. Native Americans Sided With the British

“(He) has endeavored to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes, and conditions.”

The Declaration of Independence made this claim against King George III, and many Native Americans did eventually fight with the British. But many others sided with people in the colonies or simply tried to stay out of the European conflict altogether, according to Dartmouth College historian Colin Galloway, author of The American Revolution in Indian Country: Crisis and Diversity in Native American Communities.

Most New England Indians supported the Continentals, and the powerful Iroquois Confederacy was split by the conflict. Native “redcoats” fought not for love of King George but in hopes of saving their own homelands—which they thought would to be the spoils of the War for Independence.

Those who allied themselves with the British saw their lands lost in the Peace of Paris treaty, but Native Americans who supported Americans fared little better in the long run.

An Irishman walking along the beach found a bottle lying in the sand. He picked it up, brushed it off, and out popped a genie. “Since you have freed me from this bottle, I will grant you three wishes.”
The Irishman thought a moment and said, “I’m feeling a might thirsty. I think I’ll wish for a pint of stout.” And poof! there was a pint of stout in his hand.
He drank it down and started to toss the bottle away, when the genie said, “Look at that bottle before you throw it away.” He did and watched as it magically refilled itself with stout. “That’s a magic bottle. It will refill itself whenever you empty it. So what are your other wishes?”
The Irishman grinned. “I’ll be taking two more of these!”

**And here’s the rest of the story…the Irishman was actually Lethal Leprechaun and before you start thinking of how silly it was for him to ask for two more “never emptying” pint glasses be assured that in the space of the few seconds it took him to ask for them, he had already figured out how to open two separate Pubs with discounted (very slightly) Stout based solely on the uses of these glasses.  He’d make a fortune….another fortune.

Thanks to Molly for sending this one and she’s right when she says: “This guy is more than a little nuts! Awesome!!”

Although a lot of the advice in the next panel seems self-evident, is it just me or does the whole thing feel just a tad paranoid to you?

NEW MOBILE iPHONE- A must Buy

This new Apple I5 cell phone will be on sale soon.

They’re not  exactly sure of the date but it will be later this year.

I put  my name on the list, and you may want to do the same.

Unfortunately, the sales rep said I was the 9,587,693rd person to request this phone.

Don’t know what it will cost, but I’m sure it will be worth it.

Here’s a short demonstration so you can check it out for yourself:

 

 

I had this picture planned for today before I saw that Lethal had used it yesterday.  As I sit here contemplating replacing it I decided that it is such a GREAT pix that I am going to leave it here and to make up for it being a duplicate, run an additional Fantasy Pix below it. 

 

Here’s a new play on an old joke:

A woman (married three times) walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

‘Of course, madam,’ replied the sales clerk, ‘exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?’

The bride-to-be said: ‘A long frilly white dress with a veil.’

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, ‘Please don’t take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time—for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?’

‘Well,’ replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk’s directness, ‘I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.

You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo enroute to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.’

‘What about your third husband?’ asked the sales clerk.

‘That one was a Democrat.’ said the woman, ‘Every night for four years he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.’

And another play on the same joke:

A middle aged man and woman fall in love, and decide to get married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite and the bride says to her new groom, “Please be gentle… I am still a virgin.”

The startled groom says “How can that be? You’ve been married twice…” 

The bride responds… “Well you see it was this way:  My first husband, he was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about sex. Catching her breath, she says “My second husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was…………. Oh God, I miss him!”‘

 

 

There is now conclusive evidence that Osama Bin Laden is DEAD.
Last week he registered to vote in Chicago !

Norwegian lottery

Ole and Sven were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

Ole said, “I’m gonna do dat when I win da lottery.”

“What’s dat, den?” asks Sven.

“Send my lawn away to be mowed

 

 

What an amazingly funny prank.  “Dude, watch my car!”
http://www.wimp.com/disappearingprank/

 

Thanks to dear Ariel for these fantastic Grand Parents jokes.

Grandparents
1.   She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she’d done many times before.
After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said,
“But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!”  I will
probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing
the toilet paper good-bye….

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.
He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62.   My grandson was quiet
for a moment, and then he asked,  “Did you start at 1?”

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old
slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.  As she heard
the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,
putting them back to bed with stern warnings.  As she left the room, she
heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?”

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own
childhood was like.  “We used to skate outside on a pond.   I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard.  We rode our pony.
We picked wild raspberries in the woods.”
The little girl was wide-eyed,  taking this all in.
At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

5.  My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you
know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo and I said,
“No, how are we alike?”  “You’re both old,” he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word
processor. She told him she was writing a story.
“What’s it about?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” she replied.. “I can’t read.”

7.  I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her.  I would point out  something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct.  It was fun for me, so I continued.  At last, she headed for the door, saying, “Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors  yourself!”

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin,  we kept the
lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.   Still, a few fireflies followed us in.  Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not
sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” he advised  “Mine says I’m 4 to 6.”

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
“Grandma, guess what?  We learned how to make babies today.”  The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting.” she said. “How do you make babies?”
“It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”

11. Children’s Logic: “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a
teacher.  The small boy wrote:  “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.”   The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked.
“Sure,” said the young boy confidently. ‘It means carrying a child.”

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day
when a fire truck zoomed past.  Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children started discussing the dog’s duties.
“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one child.
“No,” said another. “He’s just for good luck.”
A third child brought the argument to a close.”They use the dogs,” she
said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.  “Oh,” he said, “she
lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her.  Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth!  He teaches me good  things, but
I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over,  you  hear gas leaks
and they blame their dog.

Walk With Me …. Well Worth The Read..

A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLDER:

Dammit…
I forgot the words.

 

If Celebrity Tweet Were Honest

What a Fantastic Story….

The Old Country Boy’s:

DID YA KNOW OR DO YA CARE ?

Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country.
Ninety percent of the world’s ice covers Antarctica.
This ice also represents seventy percent of all the fresh water in the
world. As strange as it sounds, however, Antarctica is essentially a desert;
the average  yearly total precipitation is about two inches. Although covered with ice (all but 0.4% of it, ice.), Antarctica is  the driest place on the planet,
with an absolute humidity  lower than the Gobi desert.

How Google Helps Drunks …. get more drunk!:

 

“You and your husband don’t seem to have an awful lot in common,” said the new tenant’s neighbor.  “Why on earth did you get married?”

 

“I suppose it was the old business of ”opposites attract”,

was the reply.  “He wasn’t pregnant and I was.”

Today’s Last Word is purely comical and no matter what side of the aisle you prefer to sit on, you have to admit that these are funny: