Dragon Laffs #1220


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Good Morning Campers!Welcome to camp  It’s Thursday and the weekend approacheth.  Even though it’s only been a four-day week, it seems like it’s lasting forever.
I hope everyone had a safe and happy holiday and that we’re all back, safe and sound.  Everyone look around.  Check on your tent-mates and cabin-buddies.  Make sure everyone is accounted for.  Please report anyone who is missing to the Lost and Found desk in the Camp Leader’s cabin.

Okay, grab your coffee and let’s go.  Got a lot of ground to cover this morning.

So?  Everybody ready?

Okay then….

Let’s Laugh!

You guys remember this picture from the other day?
Do you remember the caption that was under it?
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Thomas Jefferson (left), Benjamin Franklin, and John Adams draft the Declaration of Independence in 1776. (Illustration courtesy of Jean Leon Gerome Ferris, Library of Congress)

Our good buddy and fellow camper Jonathon writes:

OK – SERIOUSLY?????? Thomas Jefferson is STANDING ON THE RIGHT! Benjamin Franklin is seated on the left, leaving John Adams seated in the middle!

I wrote back and told him that he was the only one who spotted it and wrote in.  (Others of you may have spotted it, but didn’t write in.)  He was so happy that his 5th grade history paid off that he’s trying to get a spot on the TV Show, “Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader”.  We’re right behind you Jonathon.  You go for it!

 

 

I found this next bit very interesting.
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The Four Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,

The second man was an Accountant,

The third man was a Chemist, and

The fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, “T-square, do your stuff.”
T-square pranced over to the desk,
took out some paper and pen and
promptly drew a circle, a square,
and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do
better. He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the
Government Employee and said, “What can your cat do?”

The Government Employee called his cat and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.”

Coffee Break jumped to his feet…….

Ate the cookies……..

Drank the milk……..

Crapped on the paper…….

Screwed the other three cats…….


Claimed he injured his back
while doing so……

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions…….

Put in for Workers Compensation………………

and Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave…………


AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

Okay, I must take exception to this joke!  I work for the government and I have to tell you that there ain’t no way in hell that cat could’ve filed the paperwork for the grievance report for unsafe working conditions AND the paperwork for Workman’s Comp and had any time left in the day to take off sick!

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Okay, who’s been taking pictures of me at lunch?

Here’s a couple of quick Q & A groaners from our old pal Zack:Groaner Zack

Q:What do you call a haunted wigwam?
A: A creepy tee-pee.

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Unplug it!

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Okay, this is GREAT!  First we get 74 year-old former Astronaut Buzz Aldrin punching a Moon Conspiracy Stalker dead in the face, then down below, you get the myth buster guys proving how the whole moon landing hoax is a myth, by using their own proofs back at them.

http://dailybail.com/home/must-see-video-74-year-old-former-astronaut-buzz-aldrin-punc.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+TheDailyBail+%28The+Daily+Bail%29

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Mary Maxwell is one funny lady, proving that laughter is the best medicine: http://www.caregiverstress.com/2010/07/a-reminder-that-laughter-is-the-best-medicine/

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I was wondering why I hadn’t seen Bubbles around lately.

Barack and Michelle are at a White Sox game.

Sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind them,

one of the Secret Service guys leans forward and says something to the president.

Barack stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes

his head violently.

The agent then says, “Mr. President, it was a unanimous request, from the owner of the team down to the bat boy. And…the fans would love it!”

So, Barack shrugs his shoulders and says, “If that’s what the people

want.”

He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and throws her right over the wall onto the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, and screaming — and the crowd goes wild, cheering, applauding, and high-fiving.

Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, “You were right, I would have never believed that!”

Then noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what is wrong.

The agent replies, “Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!

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lumberjack

This is fabulous!!!!!

I can’t imagine anyone of any age not enjoying this!!!

The video clip in the attached link is amazing. An American robin lays her four eggs in a hanging basket and the home owners set up a camera to film the results. To see it all, click here.

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Thanks to Ginny for these True Definitions:

True Definitions

TRAFFIC LIGHT — apparatus that automatically turns red when your car
approaches.

DIVORCE — postgraduate in School of Love.

PIONEER — early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the
woods.

PEOPLE — some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the
majority has no idea what’s happened.

SWIMMING POOL — a mob of people with water in it.

SELF-CONTROL — the ability to eat only one peanut.

SALESMAN — man with ability to convince wife she’d look fat in mink.

CANNIBAL — person who likes to see other people stewed.

EGOCENTRIC — a person who believes he is everything you know you are.

FOREIGN FILM — any movie shown in Texas theater that isn’t a western.

OPTIMIST — girl who regards a bulge as a curve.

MAGAZINE — bunch of printed pages that tell you what’s coming in the next
issue.

COLLEGE: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the
telephone.

EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, fire department and places that deliver.

OPERA: When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he
sings.

BUFFET: A French word that means “Get up and get it yourself.”

BABY-SITTER: A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults
who are out can behave like teen-agers.

TATTOO: Permanent proof of temporary insanity.

 

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I gotta tell you, as someone who’s had to sit on his ass quite a bit doing paperwork lately, this one bothered me a lot:

Risks of Sitting Down

Did you know, Sitting down for more than six hours a day can increase your risk of death by as much as 40%! From increased risk of heart disease and obesity in the long term, to sharply hampered cholesterol maintenance in the short term, the negative health effects of sitting are starting to weigh heavily against the benefits.

Here is a fantastic info-graphic on the health risks of sitting, very informative!

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What one man and a chainsaw can do: http://lumberjocks.com/Grumpy/blog/8378

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Redneck Skeet Shooting

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Computer Terms

State-of-the-art –
Any computer you can’t afford.

Obsolete –

Any computer you own.

Microsecond –

The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

GUI –

What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (Pronounced “gooey”).

Keyboard –

The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse –

An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Portable Computer –

A device invented to force businessmen to work at home,
On vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash –

A typical computer response to any critical dead-line.

System Update –

A quick method of trashing ALL of your soft-ware.

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The answer is 8. (Click here for explanation, then look for definition #4)

I’m not sure American audiences are ready for this type of commercial just yet! 

Fleggaard Holding A/S, through its subsidiaries, markets electronic appliances.  The company specializes in selling televisions and radio sets.   

Fleggaard Holding is based in Krusaa , Denmark .  Just across Germany ‘s northern-most border with Denmark you’ll find an incredible superstore called Fleggaard.  There, you can buy everything you need – tubs of gummi bears, cases of wine, industrial strength dishwashing soap – at prices 30% cheaper than you’ll find in Denmark .  It is Denmark ‘s Costco, packaged as a German loophole. 

The 100+ women do stunts in the air – while free-falling – holding hands to spell out “Half-off on Dishwasher soap at Fleggaard.”  You’d be hard-pressed to find a man in Denmark who hasn’t seen and fallen in love with that commercial.  It was geared strictly to men.  The ad is real! 

Here is a link to simply the best advertisement ever made 
  
http://www.m2film.dk/fleggaard/trailer2.swf

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Okay, so I’m REALLY short on time and I’m going to be lazy and make today’s Last Word one of THE funniest stories I’ve ever read.  I know we’ve all probably seen this one before, but it’s worth repeating:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home… I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ‘Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE… !!!
I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:

If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

  • My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
  • The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
  • My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
  • My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
  • I had no control over the drooling.
  • Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
  • I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS:
My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

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