Yup its that time of the week again folks! I’m happy to report I finally got rid of that headache that plagued me the later half of Wednesday and made it so hard to concentrate, I simply returned it to Impish…along with interest!

Time grows short for me here and I still need to do a bit of polishing on todays Last Word before I post this so let us skip the chit chat and get right to it shall we?

 

 

Before we get down to laughing until we break a rib today, please join with me in wishing my dear friend Impish Dragon and his lovely wife the happiest of 16th Anniversaries.

 

OK, NOW Let’s Laugh Until It Hurts!

According to all the charts on anniversaries I was able to locate there is no traditional special gift for a 16th Anniversary, so I decided to get Impish a new car. Here it is:

 

Umm… NAH! Too easy and it IS his anniversary after all.

 

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a $1,000 bet for anyone to prove them wrong. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice from the lemon would win the money.

Many people tried to win the bet over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day, a scrawny man wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit came in and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter died down, the bartender said, “Okay,” grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?”

The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

Paddy was trapped in a bog and thought himself to be a goner when Big Mick O’Reilly happened to wander by.
“Help! Help me!” Paddy yelled, “Oi’m sinking!”
“Don’t you worry yourself, Paddy,” said Mick assuredly. “Next to the Strong Man Muldoon, Oi’m the strongest lad in Erin, I am. Oi’ll pull ye right out of that mess, I will.”
With that, Big Mick leaned over grabbing Paddy’s hand and he pulled and he pulled, but to no avail.
Two more times, Big Mick pulled, but still no luck. After the last attempt, Mick said to Paddy, “Sure, but Oi cannot do it, Paddy. The Strong Man Muldoon could do it alone, maybe, but Oi’ll have to go get us some help.”
As Mick was preparing to leave to get help, Paddy called out, “Mick! Mick! Do ye think it would help if Oi pulled me feet out of the stirrups?”

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, “My hands are freezing cold.” The mother replied “Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.” The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, “My hands are freezing cold.” The girl replied, “Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.” He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, “My nose is cold.” The girl replied “Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up.” He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, “My penis is frozen solid.”

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, “Have you ever heard of a penis ?” Slightly concerned the mother said, “Why, yes. Why do you ask ?” The daughter replies, “They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don’t they ?”

Polite Way To Pee

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners to fifth graders asked her students the following question :

“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom ?”

Michael said, “Just a minute , I have to go pee.”

The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite.”

What about you Peter, how would you say it ?

Peter said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I’ll be right back.”

That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom
at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners ?

I would say : “Darling , may I please be excused for a moment ? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine , whom I hope you’ll get to meet after dinner.”

The teacher fainted !

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.”

“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”

“Is it common?”

“Well, It’s Not Unusual.”

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”

“I don’t believe you,” says Dolly.

“It’s true; no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”The doctor replied, “I know, I amputated your arms!”

13. I went to a seafood disco last week…And pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.

“But why,” they asked, as they moved off.

“Because,” he said. “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named ‘Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him ‘Juan.’ Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good)…A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Me too! I can’t believe I actually posted all those really horrendous puns!

Ray Stevens – Come to the USA

 

The political flow chart

No matter what your political views are, this is funny!

When top level guys look down, they see only shitheads;

When bottom level guys look up, they see only assholes.

Never seen a Flow Chart describe it so clearly.

I was gratified to see that Wednesday’s Last Word garnered 3 responses, even if one didn’t really count because it was from Impish. While he is certainly entitled to comment and welcome to, I really don’t count his comments when I gauge the effectiveness of a Last word by the number of  readers comments. He HAS to read the blog as part owner and besides as the C.O.D. (Chief Operating Dragon) it’s his responsibility to keep tabs on me, what I am up to and do his level best to stop me or barring that bail me out!

But seriously, I’m not gratified because its an ego trip or something that I got responses to an Op Ed I wrote. In the old days of the e-mail issues we had quite a few people who commented on the Last Words very often which we then posted for all to see read and comment on the comments. We had some quite lively and thought provoking three, four, five way discussions and debates on issues some times lasting the course of an entire week.

Sadly, when we converted formats to blog style those exchanges instantly and mysteriously dried up for reasons both unknown and not understood. Both Impish and I dearly miss those discussions and debates dearly. When I see a bunch of comments on a Last Word like Wednesday it stirs a faint flicker of hope within me that we might someday return to that level of reader participation.

4 Responses to Leprechaun Laffs #89 for Wednesday 07/13

cloie says:  [sic]

What about the rights of the young girl , that was killed by is man? You do the crime you pay the price. The Mexician goverment should stay in their country and work on their problems of which there are many. If an American conmitted this crime in their country there would be no questionsd as to what would happen to him. The USA needs to wake-up and stand by the laws of this country, they have worked for a few hundred years so far. Clean out Washington DC in 2012 let them go form a country of their liking elsewhere am tried of the BS.

Jack Daniels says:

Texas should hold an old-fashioned public hanging for Garcia, thus thumbing their nose at Mexico, the U.N. and Obama.

ImpishDragon says:

The part that pissed me off the most…and there was a LOT about this story that pissed me off…is the fact that Obama sided with the rapist/murderer instead of the victim. He is supposed to be our representative to the world. I would’ve felt better had he just kept his fucking mouth shut (although that would’ve been wrong, also) but to openly ask for a stay of execution for a sleez-bag…..I’m ashamed of him…and by extension, us.

lethalleprechaun says:

Cloie you got my point exactly but I realized last night that we are not taking the entire situation regarding Mexico and their butting into sovereign US National and State affairs far enough.
More on what occurred to me after I hit post last night on Friday either in a reader response segment of as a continuation of this Last Word.

Jack~ I say hanging is too good for him…or at least it WAS as was lethal injection he got since it wasn’t DRAINO being pumped in his veins. DO they honestly think his peaceful painless death makes up for 1% of the pain and suffering that girl went through before she died or the pain and suffering of her family for all this time?.

IMHO he should have had his punishment mirror his crime. His victim’s head was bashed with a 30- to 40-pound piece of asphalt and she was raped, strangled, bit and then left nude on a dirt road with a piece of wood stuck in her. Would have been OK with me in view of his “Viva Mexico” last words if that dirt road were actually an open ditch full of raw sewage on the Mexican side of the border.

I like the way you think though, now if we can just get you to convert to real whiskey! LMBO!

Impish~ sadly but respectfully I must disagree with you. Not about being pissed with Obama over selling our National interests and identity out, while having the colossal Chutzpah to  simultaneously ask that we delay the execution so he can in act a law to usurp our state right to render justice to this murdering rapist rat bastard’ even though that is a new low for him. Rather I disagree with your being ashamed of ‘US’ over this.

By and large ‘US’ (the people) are incensed over his actions. Those who are likely did not vote for Obama. We have no cause to be ashamed of these folks who are adding this double effrontery to Obama’s ‘Litany of Sins’ to be trotted out when he runs for reelection to hang him with.

The ones that are incensed over the execution most likely ARE those who voted for him. THOSE are the people to be ashamed of, the illegals who ACORN packed the voter registration in Chicago with, the Looney Liberal who are automatically against anything non-progressive, socialistically utopian or Star Trek futuristic in concept despite the fact that society is not morally developed enough to support these concepts and the entitlement minded, half of which are again illegals. THESE are the ones we should be ashamed of. Fortunately more and more they are appearing to be a minority, for the moment.

As for Obama I’m not ashamed of him, its not a strong enough sentiment to express my feelings towards the man and what he is doing to the country. What IO an is <expletive deleted> disgusted!

In fact I think stewie from Family Guy summed up my Obama feelings best when he said:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Resign!
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.

I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald’s and think that it’s a four star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer’s day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple;
When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn’t bother you, because you didn’t know what you didn’t know and you didn’t care.
All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible.

I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again. I want to live simple again. I don’t want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

I am officially resigning from adulthood.

And if you want to discuss this further, you’ll have to catch me first, cause…….. …..

“Tag! You’re it.”

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term
exam.
The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk,’
worth 70 points or none at all.
One student who had also partied the night before, was hard put to
think of seven advantages.

He wrote :

1.) It is perfect formula for the child.

2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3.) It is always the right temperature.

4.) It is inexpensive.

5.) It bonds the child to mother , and vice versa.

6.) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck.
Finally , in desperation , just before the bell indicating the

end of the test rang , he wrote …

7.) It comes in such cute containers.

He got an A !

A little Celtic+Cajun infusion action going on here with this recipe! I actually first encountered this is a little hole in the wall restaurant sporting a Cajun cook in a place called Shamrock Tx.

CABBAGE JAMBALAYA

1 pound ground beef
1 pound smoked sausage, cut into 1/4 inch slices
1 onion, chopped
3 stalks celery
1 clove chopped garlic
1 medium head cabbage, chopped
1 (14.5 ounce) can stewed tomatoes
14 1/2 fluid ounces water
1 cup uncooked rice
Garlic powder and salt to taste

In a large stock pot over medium high heat, combine ground beef, smoked sausage, onion, celery and garlic. Cook until beef is evenly brown. Stir in cabbage, tomatoes, water and rice. Season with garlic salt. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat to low. Cover and cook for 35 to 40 minutes, or until rice is done.

 

Personally I like a little shredded carrot in this so I tend to use the Coles slaw mix in the bag. Saves time too You can also use broccoli slaw if you want a change. Should you desire it spicy you can use a Jalapeno smoked sausage, 2 cans of Tomatoes with Green Chilies (they are smaller cans than the tomatoes) or substitute a 16 oz jar of chunky salsa for the diced tomatoes.

 

Nope you need at least a 15” wide screen in high def 1080p for that!

The Dead Parrot

At dawn the telephone rings. “Hello, Señor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker.”

“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”

“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead”.

“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?”

“Si, Señor. That’s the one.”

“Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.

What did he die from?”

“From eating the rotten meat, Señor Rod.”

“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”

“Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”

“Dead horse? What dead horse?”

“The thoroughbred, Señor Rod.”

“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”

“Yes, Señor Rod. He died from all that work pulling the water cart.”

“Water cart? What water cart?”

“The one we used to put out the fire, Señor.”

“Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?”

“The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”

“What the hell?

Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!”

“Yes, Señor Rod.”

“But there’s electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”

“For the funeral, Senor Rod.”

“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!”

“Your wife’s, Señor Rod”. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the Custom Wenig Exhibition-Grade Stock.

Very long pause. . .

“Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you’re in deep shit.”

That’s why I never swim with or after the dragon!

Many years ago I was acting as the system administrator for a test system in a large publicly held company. Periodically I would receive a call from someone who had not accessed the system recently, forgot their password and locked themselves out trying to logon. I would look up their password and unlock the system for them and they would go on their merry way.
One day I received a call from a young lady who was in just such a predicament. I looked up her password and informed her that it was ‘DOME’ and, just to be playful, told her the price for me being gracious enough to unlock her sign-on was an explanation of the meaning of her password. She became very embarrassed over the phone and pleaded that she could never reveal her secret.
I, of course, replied that I would not give her system access until she did. After negotiating for several minutes she finally acquiesced but made me promise to never reveal her password meaning to any of her colleagues to which I gladly agreed.
“Well, what does it mean?” I asked.
She hesitated and then replied, “It’s two words.”
There was pregnant pause. I unlocked her system and simply said, “Have a nice day.”

Sounds suspiciously like Dragons!

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the
subject of marriage counseling came up.
“Oh, we’ll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship,”
the husband explained. “She was a communications major in college and I
majored in theatre arts.” He continued, “She communicates well and I act
like I’m listening.”

My Last Word on Wednesday seems to have resonated with a few of you as I have shown earlier. At this time I’d like to continue with that Last Word from Wednesday. As I stated to Cloie in response to her post (see above), I had additional thoughts on the situation, or at least fueled by the situation after hitting post on Wednesday. I’ll continue with those now.

The Mexican government could not run without our continued and never ending financial assistance. It had $11 billion in foreign direct investment and received $23 billion in remittances in 2009.  This does not count charitable disaster relief, food and medical supplies, donations of military equipment, assistance rendered  in wildfire fighting etc., just cold hard US dollars. Most of this assistance is apparently finding its way into the pockets of the corrupt Mexican government officials because it is sure as hell not accomplishing what it is supposed to which is;

• fight crime– do the Zeta’s look fought? Is the flow of Mexican criminals with a history of violence crossing our borders stemming any? Are U.S. farmers and civilians protected from Zetas firing across the border into the US indiscriminately or from fatal cases of mistaken identity? Are our Diplomats and DEA agents safe to move about in Mexico without being assignation targets? Let me see HOW MANY Mexican police officials have been assassinated sans fear or reprisal?

 

• justice system reform – Oh please! STOP! Laughing like that gives me a headache and makes coffee spurt from my nose! Mexican law enforcement is so corrupt they are by and large nothing more than crooks with badges. At least the Zetas are honest and upfront about what they are.

 

• aid in stemming the illegal narcotics industry in Mexico and organized trans border drug trafficking – do the Zetas and other cartels Mexican or Columbian look like they are hurting so badly from drug interdiction raids that they are considering new lines of work?)

 

• reduce the crushing poverty and  improve the quality of life by improving their infrastructure there thereby by reducing the flow of  illegal immigration. Gee now maybe the Mexican definition of “shithole” differs from mine, but I have yet to see any substantial improvement in the cross border towns let alone an abatement of the tide of illegals

 

• assist Mexico in better securing both its borders while simultaneously helping them identify terrorists entering Mexico via their southern border whose intention it is to sneak into the USA. Again,

please! STOP! Laughing like that gives me a headache and makes coffee spurt from my nose! I’d comment further on the laughability of this but I would need an entire Last Word for that alone. Besides as reader Jack Daniels pointed out last week, I’d only be preaching to the choir

 

• prevention and control of infectious diseases – We here in Texas are continually treating Illegal Mexican immigrants in our hospitals at our expense for things like HIV/AIDS and Tuberculosis. We are treated by Mexicans like their free clinic. Got a health issue can’t pay? Sneak across the border them stupid Gringos will fix it for free. Once you are better join an anti American protest demanding they give you free welfare programs that are SUPPOSED to be for their citizens only, burn a US flag threaten US citizen on their home soil with a violent illegal immigrant uprising. Better yet commit a violent crime against an American citizen then demand special treatment by the police and immunity from the death penalty because you country does not approve of it.

 

• support bilateral cooperation – apparently Mexico interprets this as having the caveat “only so long as it is in Mexico’s best interest and screw the Gringos interests” or better yet “as long as it helps us screw the Gringos out of their money period”

Mexico is unmindful, ungrateful and disrespectful with regard to the USA, its sovereignty, its laws, it the rights of the states that border Mexico. In my view point they are the North American land based equivalent of Somali pirates attempting to hold the US hostage with the threat(s) of deliberately making their internal problems our problems via their (IMHO) deliberately ineffectual border control and governmental corruption. I say that attempting to aid Mexico in anyway is pointless since Mexico is not interested in aiding itself .  We are doing nothing but throwing a very expensive box of Rid-x into a vast and bottomless cesspool of greed, corruption, oppression and anti-American sentiment.

Mexico cannot continue to run as a Government without the continued influx of US aid both material and financial. This is not unlike the situation of client states of the former USSR back in the cold war era by comparison so I say we have two choices with regard to Mexico and what future direction to take. Serious consideration needs to be given to taking  one or the other and even more serious consideration needs to be given with regard to taking both options.

1.) Shut off all aid to Mexico immediately. Use the $28 billion to fund US Military and National Guard resources to patrol and close off the Southern border, enlist Security subcontractors such as we do/did in Iran and Afghanistan. Fly armed drone patrols. Issue the US Border Patrol combat gear and armored vehicles. Serve notice at the UN that we intend to defend our sovereignty and our borders. Inform them that those caught attempting to enter at places other than approved check points or sans proper documents will be dealt with as harshly as other countries do. Advise the UN that those who chose to ignore orders from our Border Enforcement Personnel, attempt to evade or open fire on them will be deemed terrorist, enemy combatants and a threat to our National Security and sovereignty and dealt with via lethal forcefully that we have no intention of entertaining much less paying remuneration to the families of those whom lethal force is employed against as they were forewarned as to the consequences and we are not accepting “he didn’t understand and wanted to press 2 for your warning in Spanish” as an excuse for the defense of the actions of those killed. Last time I checked, the business end of a fully automatic weapon pointed at you, hearing that safety click off and curt gestures being made for “down on the ground and kiss dirt” were pretty much a universal language in all countries and practically impossible to misinterpret.

2.) Treat Mexico as the client state it has become. A Client State is defined as: “a country that is economically, politically, or militarily dependent on another country”  this would certainly seem to be the case with Mexico and I for one think its high time we force Mexico to acknowledge this dependency on our continued aid benevolence and good will. strip Mexico of the attitude and notion it is anything BUT our Client Nation and force it to act accordingly. This is not some hideous new or Communist concept I am suggesting. Quite the opposite in fact. One of the fundamental components of U.S. foreign policy has been the acquisition and protection of client states. This aspect of U.S. foreign policy appears to have remained unchanged for over a century.

” At least as far back as ancient Rome, powerful political units have acted through a network of clients. To the patron, the advantages of having clients rather than, say, imperial provinces are twofold: the administrative and political costs of administering clients are considerably less than those occasioned by direct rule; and to have clients (referred to by the Romans as “friends”) is significantly more flattering to one’s self-image as a free political unit than to have subjects. Counterbalancing these benefits, of course, is an obvious disadvantage: clients, by virtue of their formal independence, are often obstreperous and able to manipulate the patron for their own ends.”

Gee, sounds pretty much like our relationship with Mexico doesn’t it?

“Client state networks also require considerable resources to maintain. Frequently, the patron needs to provide economic and military aid; and if the client in question is faced with an insurgency, the patron also needs to move troops and ships to help in stamping out the revolt.”

(cited passages from Was Luce Right? Simulating the Growth of U.S. Client States – A paper prepared for presentation at the 43rd Annual Convention of the International Studies Association, New Orleans, March 24-27, 2002 by  David Sylvan  Graduate Institute of International Studies, Geneva & Stephen Majeski University of Washington   http://faculty.washington.edu/majeski/isa02pap.pdf)

Again sounds a lot like the US/Mexican relationship, especially if you pronounce “insurgency” drug cartels and illegal immigrants doesn’t it?

What does “treat Mexico like the client state it has become” entail? In fact not really much more than we are currently doing. What it DOES mean is Mexico would be forced into to accepting US governmental advisors and over site. All US aid monies and programs would be administered by US officials directly from with in the Mexican government’s infrastructure and the Mexican government would be responsible to account for the expenditure of all US funds to the US. US forced would have the right to go into Mexico and deal with things like the Zeta’s, LA Raza, Human Trafficking, and forcibly stem the tide of illegal immigration without interference and/or protests by Mexico and cries of effrontery over incursions into their sovereignty, the exact same sovereignty which they choose to ignore as it relates to the US on a regular basis. What it WOULD mean is that finally the US would have direct intervention in the Mexican government caused issues that are plaguing it from south of our border as well as far better control over our Southern border and a hard accounting of where how and when our money is getting used plus a cost benefit analysis of its effects of the successes and failures.

In summation, it HIGH TIME our government adopted the attitude if you are going to depend on us for your continued existence as a country you are bloody well going to not bite the hand that is Pouring countless U.S. tax dollars down your gaping maw. NO MORE taking our money telling us to butt out while you squander the money and then condemn us on our internal system of justice because you are philosophically opposed to a portion of it which we would not have even had to invoke if it wasn’t for the fact you cannot police your own criminals!

 

 

 

Good Morning Campers!   According to the blog site we’ve got some new people visiting today.  I would love to introduce you all by name, but it doesn’t work that way.  Suffice it to say that we have new campers in the campgrounds and we are glad you’re here.

Lots of excitement going on lately with the blog.  Lethal’s Last Word yesterday created about as much reply traffic as we’ve seen on any topic.  For those of you who are still just reading the e-zine in your mail box, you’re missing out on a good part of the fun by not being able to read the comments.  you should go to the website to get the full effect of this great issue.

I’d like to take a second to wish Mrs. Dragon a happy Anniversary.  We’ve been together for 400 years tomorrow.  (That’s about 16 years in human terms.) And I can honestly say that each and every year has been better and more fun than the last.  To my best friend…

Now…. on with the laughter!

Here’s an oldie, but goodie to get us started:

A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, ‘I would like to buy some cyanide The pharmacist asked, ‘Why in the world do you need cyanide? ‘The lady replied, ‘I need it to poison my husband.

‘The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, ‘Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!

‘The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, ‘Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.’

Oh my gosh!  Thank you, thank you, thank you to Ariel for this marvelous attitude adjustment!!!!!!

And here’s the words so you can sign along!

Gonna put the the world away for a minute
Pretend I don’t live in it
Sunshine gonna wash my blues away

Had sweet love but I lost it
She got too close so I fought her
Now I’m lost in the world trying to find me a better way

Wishing I was knee deep in the water somewhere
Got the blue sky breeze and it don’t seem fair
Only worry in the world is the tide gonna reach my chair
Sunrise there’s a fire in the sky
Never been so happy 
Never felt so high
And I think I might have found me my own kind of paradise

Wrote a note said be back in a minute
Bought a boat and I sailed off in it
Don’t think anybody gonna miss me anyway

Mind on a permanent vacation
The ocean is my only medication
Wishing my condition ain’t ever gonna go away

Cause now I’m knee deep in the water somewhere
Got the blue sky breeze blowing wind through my hair
Only worry in the world is the tide gonna reach my chair
Sunrise there’s a fire in the sky
Never been so happy 
Never felt so high
And I think I might have found me my own kind of paradise

This champagne shore washing over me
It’s a sweet sweet life living by the salty sea
One day you could be as lost as me
Change you’re geography 
Maybe you might be

Knee deep in the water somewhere
Got the blue sky breeze blowing wind through my hair
Only worry in the world is the tide gonna reach my chair
Sunrise there’s a fire in the sky
Never been so happy 
Never felt so high
And I think I might have found me my own kind of paradise

Come on in the water it’s nice
Find yourself a little slice
Grab a backpack realize 
You never know until you try 
When you lose yourself
You find the key to paradise

Oh no, your mom died too?

Sincerely, Bambi, Belle, Ariel, Cinderella, Anastasia, Jasmine, etc

 

Dear 2011 Winnie the Pooh movie,

You better not ruin this for me.

Sincerely, worried nostalgic

 

Dear Pinocchio,

If you said ,”My nose will grow now,” and it doesn’t, that would mean you were lying. But if you were lying, that would make your nose grow. Thus, making your nose grow by telling the truth.

Sincerely, ultimate paradox

Thanks to Sue for pointing us towards this hilarious clip:

 

Thanks to Jeannie for pointing to this one on the Life With Cats website…
Craigslist Guy Has The Right Idea

Actual Austin TX Craigslist ad placed after the guy’s girlfriend said his cat had to go. It’ s making the rounds now.

We don’t know if the poster’s girlfriend really gave him the ultimatum, but this is an actual Craigslist post. The photo image is from the ad but was taken off of the internet and is not the poster’s cat.

Girlfriend says cat has to go!! Free tonight!!

My girlfriend said the cat has to be gone by 12:00 tomarrow. She left a little while ago to hang with her friends. I put all her crap on the lawn and will try my best to find her a new home but if not there is always the shelter.

So what we have here is one mildly attractive yet bitchy soon to find out she is a homeless exgirlfriend. She is somewhat house broken (but i think she is still connected to her mom by the umbilical cord).

She is in her midtwenties and is NOT SPAYED (though she usually takes the pill) Lot of life left in this one. She is up to date on her shots and is great with dogs and small children, but does not seem to get along well with cats.

She is playfull and bathroom trained (If takeing over every inch of horizontal surface with her stuff in the place is house broken. Then she is the Queen of house brokeness!!!).

She has somewhat of a special diet though i never figured it out fully, but pretty much it is dictated by what ever her closest friend of that week is into (Raw, vegan, atkins, hostess) You get the picture.

She will be coming with a whole lot of stuff!! (If it is still there when she comes home, but when iam done here Iam heading right over to the free section so maybe not) There will not be a rehoming fee (As a matter of fact i got $34 cash if you can get her tonight, If you need more we can hit the atm unless you have paypal then we have lots of options).

The main reason I am rehoming her is becuase she moved in about 9 months ago, and for three months everything was great, but then she started bitching about my cat. My cat has lived with me for 11 years since he was abandoned in my yard at about 3 weeks old, and i had too bottle feed him and teach him how to do everything a cool male should know (hunt, nap, play, hide, chirp like a bird. how to use a litter box!! This was the most challenging as i did not know how to use one myself. That made for some awkward moments) In other words Misdemeanor and I have been kicking it for a long time, and if she thinks I would even consider kicking him to the curb. Well need i say more?

I may put her up for auction on ebay tonight if my lawyer gives me the okay.

__________

We do not include the poster’s contact information for fear he will be inundated with offers for replacement girlfriends.

and how about a follow up to Craigs List guy from the Life With Cats website:

“Hello! And thank you all for the comments!! You all are making my recent break up much easier” … says Craigslist Guy to those of us who’ve read his amusing breakup post, sent him well wishes, and said we’d like a guy like that. He tells Life With cats readers what it has been like for him since he offered his girlfriend free to a good home when she told him to get rid of his cat companion of 11 years.

The Austin TX man posted in a roundaout way about his breakup on Craigslist, by publicly ditching the gal with great humor by offering her “free to a good home” in a listing that mirrors one that might have been used to give away a cat.

If you haven’t read his ad or want to visit it again, read Craigslist Guy Has The Right Idea for the delightful “Girlfriend says cat has to go!! Free tonight!! post.

Now he tells Life With Cats readers what the experience of his ad going viral has been like, and how he’s faring.

Craigslist Guy aka username “misder” has checked in with us a few times since returning home from a getaway after making the now famous Craigslist post in the Austin TX edition of the online bulletin board.

The poster, who more than a few ladies have admitted to having a little crush on, seems like a nice, friendly guy and says he appreciates all the messages and comments he has gotten in recent days.

He tells all of us who’ve read and commented at Life With cats:

“Hello! And thank you all for the comments!! You all are making my recent break up much easier. )

It has taken 2 days to read all the emails and not one person wanted her. This has been an amazing experience. I posted that ad for her cuz i knew one of (her) friends would see it, but this is so much better. I don’t think she even saw it, or has not yet…..

Oh and for any-one that is curious?? She is gone I don’t even know where she is staying. I left my phone and computer and went to the beach to meditate for the weekend. I came in late last night and had a few hundred e-mails to filter through.

Thank you all so much!! I did not even have a single hate mail. Everyone has supported me in this. )”

Craigslist Guy sounds like a pretty cool guy and we are happy to have crossed paths with him. As so many readers have said, he’s a good man for staying true to his cat and knowing who should stay and who should go when the ultimatum came.

An off shoot of the “You’re so ugly” joke:

These three guys are sitting at a bar arguing which one has the ugliest wife. The conversation begins to get heated to the point of the barkeeper telling them to get the hell out or shut up! In fact he says, “why don’t you settle it once and for all and just visit each others house and decide for yourselves…”

Damn Good idea they agree, finish their drinks and make off for the first guy’s house.

Upon arriving, he bangs on his door and the wife answers, she’s not pretty and he turns to collect the bet from the other two.

“Not so fast,” says the second, “I got that beat.”

And off they go to his house… He bangs on the door and his wife comes to answer the door opens and all three step back in fright; she’s damn ugly.

He asks to collect the bet but the third guy says, “Sorry, I’ve got you both beat.”

He goes to his house and walks right in, there’s no sign of anyone around. He stomps his foot on the trap door in the floor and they all hear this voice say, “Is that you honey?”

“Yeah it’s me,” he says.

“Do you want me to come out?” she asks.

“Yes please,” he says.

“Should I put the bag on my head?” she asks.

He says, “No. I don’t want to fuck you, I just want to show you off!”

A woman went to the doctor and complained that she was suffering from knee pains.

“Do you indulge in any activity that puts a lot of pressure on your knees?” asked the doctor.

“Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor doggy style.”

“I see,” said the doctor. “You know, there are plenty of other sexual positions?”

“Not if you want to watch TV there ain’t!”

Lethal Leprechaun arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.

An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

“No,” replied the Leprechaun. “I’ve lost all me luggage!”

“How’d that happen?”

“The cork fell out!” said Lethal.

A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can’t possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, “Congratulations son, we’ve been waiting a long time for you.”

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says “Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don’t remember doing anything really special when I was alive.”

“Congratulations for what?” says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man’s modesty. “We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!”

The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says “Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty.”

“That’s simply impossible son,” says Saint Peter. “We’ve added up your time sheets.”

How to make sure your mom connects to the correct WiFi…

A man walks into a bar and looks depressed. The bartender comes over and, with a great show of compassion, gives him a beer on the house.”Something bothering you, pal?” the bartender asks.

“The wife and I had a fight,” the man said, “She doesn’t like it when I say the word, ‘bitch’.”

“Why is that?”

“She thinks I need to learn her mother’s real name.”

It seems as though I’m a roll with people sending me stuff to help me.  Ariel earlier with the song and now Brian sends this fantastic treatise on Stress…

The True Meaning of Stress

A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience; with a raised glass of water, and everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, ‘half empty or half full?’….. she fooled them all…. “How heavy is this glass of water?”, she inquired with a smile.. Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz. She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you’ll have to call an ambulance. In each case it’s the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.” She continued, “and that’s the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won’t be able to carry on.” “As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we’re refreshed, we can carry on with the burden – holding stress longer and better each time practiced. So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don’t carry them through the evening and into the night… pick them up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you’re carrying now, let them down for a moment. Relax, pick them up later after you’ve rested. Life is short. Enjoy it and the now ‘supposed’ stress that you’ve conquered!” 1 * Accept the fact that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue! 2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. 3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. 4 * Drive carefully… It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.. 5 * If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague 6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.. 7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 8 * Never buy a car you can’t push. 9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won’t have a leg to stand on. 10 * Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance. 11 * Since it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late. 12 * The second mouse gets the cheese. 13 * When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane. 14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.. 15 * You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. 16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once. 17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box. 18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. 19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today. 20 * It was I, your friend! *Save the earth….. It’s the only planet with chocolate!

 

 

Some of you may be getting this twice. Its late I’m tired and finishing up this issue, primarily the Last Word took way longer than I had anticipated and I screwed up the banner and totally forgot an opening.

Now I have Impish’s headache which he has apparently kindly forwarded to me. So in the interest of getting me to my rack faster let me just say that if the extremely thin skinned dragon thinks chainmail skivvies are going to help him he’s neglected to factor in electric trains and the all powerful third rail!

 

Now Let’s Snicker Because Laughing Hurts My Head!

And four Extra Strength Tylenol please!

Pecans in the cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

‘One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,’ said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, ‘One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me…’

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

‘Come here quick,’ said the boy, ‘you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!’

The man said, ‘Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.’ When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, ‘One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.’

The old man whispered, ‘Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord…?

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, ‘One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done…?

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

Whoa, baby! Texas mom delivers 16-pound newborn

LONGVIEW, Texas (AP) — A Texas mom expected a big baby, but nothing like this: 16 pounds, 1 ounce (7.3 kilograms).

Janet Johnson on Monday remained in an East Texas hospital after giving birth to what her doctors called one of the biggest newborns they’ve ever seen. She was awaiting word on whether her son, JaMichael Brown, ranked among the biggest births in state history.

“Everybody was amazed that he was so big,” Johnson, 39, said. “I don’t think too many people have heard of having a 16-pound baby.”

JaMichael was born Friday at Good Shepherd Medical Center in Longview. Johnson has gestational diabetes, which results in bigger newborns for many mothers. Doctors had estimated JaMichael would be around 12 pounds (5.44 kilograms) prior to the cesarean birth.

The hospital has asked the state’s vital records department whether JaMichael is big enough to approach any Texas newborn records, said Victoria Ashworth, a hospital spokeswoman. He is certainly the biggest in the history of the Longview hospital and was born, Ashworth said, almost two years to the day after the hospital delivered its smallest baby ever, who weighed just 15 ounces.

Guinness World Records says the heaviest newborn ever recorded weighed 23 pounds (10.43 kilograms), 12 ounces (340 grams), born to an Ohio woman in 1879.

Ashworth said JaMichael, whose father is 6-foot (1.83-meter)-7 inches (17.78 centimeters), was likely to be transferred Monday from the neonatal intensive care unit and into the regular nursery. Johnson said she hoped to get her son home later this week — and return his newborn clothes that won’t fit.

Not to mention, Johnson said, get her son out of the spotlight finally.

“It’s gotten overwhelming,” Johnson said. “But if I had heard of someone having a 16-pound baby, I would probably want to have heard about it, too.”

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/parenting-family/babies/story/2011/07/Texas-mom-delivers-16-pound-newborn/49284628/1

This proves true two adages about Texas.

1. Everything IS bigger in Texas. (Including our babies… and by extension therefor our baby making “equipment” <wink>)
2. Don’t mess with Texas is sound advice because not only will we shoot you and stomp you into the ground with a herd of cattle &/or illegal immigrants our babies can beat up your babies….just by rolling over on it!

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn’t told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what
was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily — if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, ‘Get well soon . from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.’
Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn’t it.

 

Politically correct wacko’s strike again

A Seattle teenager said she was told while volunteering at an elementary school to refer to her Easter egg treats as “spring spheres.”

The 16-year-old private school student, who asked to be identified only as Jessica, said she was volunteering at a public school, which she declined to identify, and prepared plastic eggs filled with treats for a third-grade class, MyNorthwest.com — KIRO Radio & TV, Seattle, reported Wednesday.

Jessica said she was concerned about the “abstract behavior rules” at the school so she checked with a teacher before bringing the eggs to the class.

“I went to the teacher to get her approval and she wanted to ask the administration to see if it was okay,” Jessica explained. “She said that I could do it as long as I called this treat ‘spring spheres.’ I couldn’t call them Easter eggs.”

The teenager said she presented the “spring spheres” to the class, but the students were not fooled.

“When I took them out of the bag, the teacher said, ‘Oh look, spring spheres’ and all the kids were like ‘Wow, Easter eggs.’ So they knew,” Jessica said

I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them. (Thomas Jefferson)

 

Sitting together on a train was Obama, a Texan, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

The blonde girl thinks:
Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks:
The Texan must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Texan thinks:
I can’t wait for another tunnel, so I can slap the shit out of Obama again.

 

 

What Lutherans do with their booze bottles

Performance by the St. Luke’s Bottle Band, St. Luke’s Lutheran Church, Park Ridge, Illinois, May 6, 2007. http://www.bottleband.org

 

Dear Impish,

My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and lets our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest. Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he’s with Muslims. Finally, the last straw. He’s demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It’s just so horribly creepy! Can you help?

Signed,
Lost in DC

————————————————–

Dear Lost:

Stop whining, Michelle. You’re getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with him for two more years!

Signed,

Impish Dragon

Do you know what happened 160 years ago last fall…. Back in 1850?

California became a State.
The people had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically, nothing has changed except then
the women had real tits and the men didn’t hold hands.
That, my friends, is the history lesson for today!

 

 

A motorcycle enthusiast complained that he couldn’t decide whether to buy a bike with high top speed and poor acceleration, or one with lots of torque and fast acceleration, but a poor top speed. Eventually he decided on the second one, because it cost a lot less. After all, torque is cheap!

Three men were sitting on a bench in heaven discussing how they died. The first man said “I died of cancer.”
The second man said, “I died of tuberculosis.”
The third man said “I died of seenus.”
The first two men said, “No, you mean sinus.”
The third man said “No, I mean seenus. I was out with my best friend’s wife and he seen us!

Mike and Chuck are talking about their boss’s upcoming wedding. Mike says, “It’s ridiculous, he’s rich, but he’s 93 years old, and she’s just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?”

Chuck says, “Well, we have a name for it in my family.”

“What do you call it?”

“We call it a football wedding.”

Mike asks, “What’s a football wedding?”

“She’s waiting for him to kick off!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We’ll finish this up with Part Three on Friday.

 

He must have AT&T U-verse too!

As you may or may not be aware there has been a controversy raging over Texas and it’s application of the death penalty for the past week. For those of you for whom we are the only source of news allow me to recap.

Stay rejected for girl’s Mexican killer

Texas Board of Pardons and Parole denies request for 180-day reprieve, spurning international clamor

By ALLAN TURNER HOUSTON CHRONICLE July 5, 2011, 9:48PM

Texas thumbed its nose at the White House and the United Nations on Tuesday as it cleared the way for Thursday’s execution of Humberto Leal Garcia Jr., a Mexican national who was denied access to his nation’s consulate after being arrested for a San Antonio rape-murder.

The Texas Board of Pardons and Parole’s 4-1 rejection of Leal’s bid for a 180-day reprieve marks the second time in four years that Texas has resisted national and international calls that it observe the U.N.’s Vienna Convention on Consular Relations, which guarantees foreign defendants contact with their governments’ representatives.

His fate now rests with the U.S. Supreme Court, which is considering a stay of execution request from the Obama administration.

Leal, 38, was sentenced to die for the May 24, 1994, murder of 16-year-old Adria Sauceda who was killed in a gruesome attack in which her head was bashed with a 30- to 40-pound piece of asphalt and she was raped, strangled, bit and then left nude on a dirt road with a piece of wood stuck in her.

A reprieve for Leal, if granted by the Supreme Court, might give Congress time to act on a bill introduced by Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-Vt., chairman of the Senate Committee on the Judiciary, that would provide for federal review of capital cases involving foreigners denied consulate contact.

About 100 convicted killers nationwide would be eligible for such reviews.

Leahy’s bill is an outgrowth of a 2004 U.N. world court decision, stemming from a Mexican lawsuit against the United States, that hearings be held for dozens of inmates to determine if their cases had been hurt by their inability to contact their consulates.

Not first time in spotlight

Last week, three members of the Texas Court of Criminal Appeals – which rejected a separate Leal plea for a stay – suggested that the paroles board and Perry might act in the killer’s behalf even though the court could not.

If the Mexican-born Leal, who has lived in the United States since age 2, is executed, it will mark the second time in four years that Texas has defied international demands that it observe the Vienna Convention.

In August 2008, the state executed Mexican citizen Jose Medellin for the 1993 strangulation of two Houston teenagers, Jennifer Ertman and Elizabeth Pena.

“Texas is not bound by a foreign court’s ruling,” Cesinger said. “The U.S. Supreme Court ruled in 2008 that the treaty was not binding on states and that the president does not have authority to order review of cases of foreign nationals on death row in the U.S.”

O.K. My points one and two for the moment;

1. Obama is once again kissing another foreign country’s ass as well as the U.N’s and putting their wants ahead of a states rights. Basically Obama and his justice department have no legal ground to have their nose9S) stuck in this or be telling Texas what to do in this case. None. This isn’t my opinion, this is cold legal FACT as decided by the Supreme Court as shown above. Obama wanted a reprieve so that he could rush a bill through Congress usurping Another of our states rights, the right to determine the criminal’s punishment for a crime committed in a state’s domain.
2. “Mexican-born Leal, who has lived in the United States since age 2”  This guy is about as authentically Mexican as the food at Taco Bell! He sure as hell knows the laws o the US and the penalties for breaking them apparently having been educated on our dime in the US schools system where such things are generally taught. One would have to presume that given the fact he has been here since 1975 and was arrested in 1994, that in nineteen years as a kid growing up, he learned to speak and understand English at least as well if not better than he does Spanish. One also has to figure that he should have known and been reminded often that as a foreign National living outside his own country in the event of problems with the police he needed to contact his embassy. Especially since that generally means free legal representation and much closer scrutiny of your case and much faster. If he did not then his family should have known so and one has to wonder why they did not contact the Embassy on his behalf. We spoke here at both Dragon Laffs and Leprechan Laffs just a couple days ago about you knowing your legal rights and how the police were not obliged to advise you of anything more than your Miranda rights. Since none of the appeals seemed to focus on Miranda issues I have to conclude that this was done properly and never contested. Why is it incumbent therefore for police to treat someone who has been living in the US for the majority of his life as a special case and give him advice and counseling that US citizens do not get because of his foreign birth?

Mexican gov sends lawyers to stop Leal execution

© 2011 The Associated Press July 7, 2011, 3:04PM

MONTERREY, Mexico — The governor of Humberto Leal’s birth state has sent lawyers to try to halt the scheduled Thursday execution of the Mexican national.

Nuevo Leon Gov. Rodrigo Medina says he also wrote a letter to his Texas counterpart, Rick Perry, asking him to stop the execution.

Leal’s relatives visited the Nuevo Leon statehouse on Wednesday to request the governor’s help. The 38-year-old convict was born in Monterrey and moved to the U.S. as a child.

He was sentenced to be killed for the 1994 rape-slaying of a 16 year old from San Antonio.

Ok Point Three;

3. This is the second time (Arizona’s Immigration Act being the first) Mexico has presumed to send their lawyers into the US to instruct us on OUR laws and how to enforce them in effect interfering in largely internal matters. Mexico. The running joke of North America and arguable the choicer of the two places where you would insert the enema nozzle were you intent of giving this country one (The other being Washington DC).

This is the same country that cannot control its citizenry, its boarders, its law enforcement and allows Drug cartels to wantonly run entire areas and they would presume to instruct the US on its own laws??!

Mexico has a hair across its national ass regarding our death penalty and does not have one of its own. I submit it is because of this and because so many of Mexico’s criminals escape to our side of the border that we have the crime problems we do and why Mexico is such a foul shithole!

This is just proof that the distain for America evidenced in the attitude of all the illegal immigrants and groups like National Council of La Raza (NCLR) extends all the way up and well into the Mexican government.

Mexican national executed in Texas

By Bill Mears, CNN Supreme Court Producer July 7, 2011 9:30 p.m. EDT

By ARIANE DE VOGUE (@Arianedevogue) WASHINGTON, July 6, 2011

“I am sorry for everything I have done,” Leal said at the Huntsville facility before he was executed. “I have hurt a lot of people. Let this be final and be done. I take the full blame for this.”

Leal then shouted “Viva Mexico,” followed by “I’m ready warden, let’s get the show on the road.”

What made Leal’s conviction unusual was that he was not informed about his right to contact the Mexican consulate upon his arrest — a right guaranteed under a binding international treaty. Leal’s appellate lawyers argued such access could at the very least have kept Leal off death row.

“The violation of the Vienna Convention in Mr. Leal’s case was no mere technicality,” said Sandra Babcock, who serves as Leal’s lead counsel. “The Mexican consulate would have provided experienced and highly qualified attorneys who would have challenged the prosecution’s reliance on junk science to obtain a conviction and would have presented powerful mitigating evidence at the penalty phase, including expert testimony regarding Mr. Leal’s learning disabilities, brain damage, and sexual abuse at the hands of his parish priest.”

Mexico strongly condemned the execution, saying it violated an International Court of Justice ruling ordering the United States to review capital convictions of Mexican nationals.

The Supreme Court justices split 5-4 along conservative-liberal lines in denying a stay of execution. In an unsigned opinion by the majority, the court refused to delay the execution until Congress could pass pending legislation giving federal courts the authority to hear similar claims from foreign inmates.

“We decline to follow the United States’ suggestion of granting a stay to allow Leal to bring a claim based on hypothetical legislation when it cannot even bring itself to say that his attempt to overturn his conviction has any prospect of success,” said the majority.

The Supreme Court noted that it could not grant a stay to allow for the possible passage of the Leahy bill. “Our task is to rule on what the law is, not what it might eventually be,” the court ruled.

The court also discounted arguments that “grave international consequences” may follow Leal’s execution.

“We have no authority to stay an execution in light of ‘an appeal of the president’ presenting free-ranging assertions of foreign policy consequences, when those assertions come unaccompanied by persuasive legal claim

Points Four through Seven

4. Well what do you know I find it amazing that these mitigating circumstances, including the excuse de jure sexual abuse at the hands of his parish priest are just coming out now when all the anti death penalty activists picked up on the case. Brain damage? According to press accounts he works as a mechanic. He was found competent to stand trial. Learning disabilities? Seriously? The man was able to learn to be a mechanic a task FAR harder than learning right from wrong! Its NOT like we are talking grey areas here, we are talking capitol felonies RAPE and MURDER!

5. “I am sorry for everything I have done,” Leal said at the Huntsville facility before he was executed. “I have hurt a lot of people. Let this be final and be done. I take the full blame for this.”  Gee wiz, all that “junk science” and we convicted the right guy who was playing the system and letting liberal anti death penalty activists and lawyers make him the cause celebre because it was costing him nothing.

6. “Mexico strongly condemned the execution”  Shit, that is about as surprising and news worthy as me electing to get my first cup of coffee in the morning before switching my computer on!  Mexico as a matter of policy condemns every execution of one of its citizens at our hands with blatant disregard for the fact that in general they have committed the most heinous crime possible against a US citizen. Not only that but I’m guessing roughly HALF of those we do execute had criminal histories in Mexico and like as not fled Mexico to escape arrest coming here to continue their criminal acts. Mexico ought to be apologizing and offering to pay for the incarceration of all these scuzzballs that they cannot seem to police themselves.

7.  “‘an appeal of the president’ presenting free-ranging assertions of foreign policy consequences” Would those be the same “consequences” that Texans crossing the border have been subject to for years with out any appreciable redress by either the US or Mexican governments? The systematic robbery, beating, kidnaping. extortion and abuse of US citizens by MEXICAN LAW ENFORCEMENT PERSONNEL? THOSE “consequences”? What about the “consequences” of Zeta drug cartel members firing across the border into the US on civilians? MAYBE Mexican officials should take notice of Texas’s attitude toward Mexican criminals who come here and commit crimes against her citizens and get the message straight instead of pulling that “No hablo inglés” bullshit:

“If you commit the most heinous of crimes in Texas, you can expect to face the ultimate penalty under our laws,” Perry spokeswoman Katherine Cesinger said a day after convicted killer Humberto Leal was put to death in Huntsville.

IMHO Mexico lives in what one might in the politest of circles call the worlds largest glass house. They first need to clean up their law enforcement act and gain control over their country and their borders before looking to point fingers anywhere else. Granted our system of justice may not be perfect and mistakes of “protocol” may occasionally happen though I would debate hotly where the blame for these mistakes lays and just how it was divided.

There was a time that we extended them all the niceties of a civilized law abiding nation. for this we routinely got our National face slapped and our citizens treated like shit. Texans have a long memory down here they still remember Pancho Villa and the Alamo. They see the attitudes and behavior of all the illegal immigrants the weight of which we stagger under daily while Obama and the Democrats seek to make this an even more attractive place for them.

We’re sending a clear message about not concern for the safety of the citizens of Texas but with the inactions of both the Mexican and US governments to do anything meaningful about it while we simultaneously throw Obama a Bronx cheer and a Lone Star Salute for trying to usurp yet another of a states sovereign rights.

Good Morning Campers!  How is everyone this morning?  Good I hope.
I’m very appreciative of Lethal Leprechaun covering for me on Saturday.  I went to a wedding on a day that I was supposed to be working.  Well, in order to do that I had to get things set up on Friday for Saturday and I ran out of time.  I’m sorry for not sending in my issue for Saturday, but not only because I missed talking with you guys…. my back and tail are killing me.
What does that have to do with Saturday’s issue you ask?
Well, I’ll tell you:
Whenever LL covers for me, I end up getting thrown under the bus/truck/train or in the case of Saturday’s issue, a little Winnebago by him in the issue he is covering for me on….and sometimes, the issue after that, also.  It’s all in good fun, but my vet is wondering how I keep getting these tire marks and dirt stains up and down my tail. 
It’s embarrassing!   
So, I’ve got a plan.
The next time I have to have Lethal cover for me, I’m wearing my new, Stainless Steel Underwear and tail cozy.  Then I’ll derail anything that he sends my way!  Hee, Hee, Hee!  I can’t wait!
Now, on with the laughs!

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Here’s two similar pictures on the same theme….some poor lizard getting hacked!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t let aging get you down, it’s too hard to get back up!

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

You know….we’ve asked for your help with a lot of charities, special interests and other things.  You have come through with prayers, clicks, money and your good will.  Here again, we’re reaching out to you, our loyal readership to dig a little deeper and help out with this, truly worthy cause:  (Thanks to K² for drawing our attention to this VERY SPECIAL problem!)

Can You Help???

ATTENTION:

Since September 11, 2001, Americans have come together as never before in our generation. We have banded together to overcome adversity. We have weathered direct attacks on our own soil, wars overseas, corporate/government scandal, layoffs, unemployment, stock price plunges, droughts, floods, fires, mad cow, SARS, high gasoline prices, and a myriad of economic and physical disasters both great and small. But now, we must come together once again to overcome our greatest challenge yet.

Hundreds of Professional Football players in our very own nation are going to be locked out, living at well below the seven-figure salary level. And as if that weren’t bad enough they could be deprived of their life giving pay for several months, possibly longer, as a result of the upcoming lockout situation. But you can help!

For only $27,080 a month, about $902.75 a day (that’s less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an NFL player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem as it barely covers the annual minimum salary, but it’s a start, and every little bit will help!

Although $900 may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a football player it could mean the difference between spending the lockout golfing in Florida or on a Mediterranean cruise. For you, nine hundred dollars is nothing more than a month’s rent, a mortgage payment, or a month of medical insurance, but to a football player, $900 will partially replace his daily salary.

Your commitment of less than $900 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio .

HOW WILL I KNOW I’M HELPING?

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. Plus, upon signing up for this program, you will receive an unsigned photo of the player lounging during the lockout on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean (for a signed photo, please include an additional $150). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples’ suffering.

HOW WILL HE KNOW I’M HELPING?

Your NFL player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won’t know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case additional funds are needed for unforeseen expenses.

Remember, a lifestyle is a horrible thing to waste…

———————————————————
YES, I WANT TO HELP!

I would like to sponsor a locked out NFL player. My preference is (check below):

[ ] Offense [ ] Defense [ ] Special Teams [ ] Entire team

Please charge the account listed below $902.75 per day for the duration of the lockout. Please send me a picture of the player and my very own Roger Goodell (NFL Commissioner) pin to wear proudly on my hat (include $80 for hat).

Your Name: ____________________Telephone Number: ___________________
Account Number: __________________Exp.Date:_______

[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other

Signature: _______________________

Alternate card (when the primary card exceeds its credit limit):
Account Number: _______________________ Exp.Date:_______
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other

Signature: ______________________

p.s. If you have a little extra, please enclose for the cheerleaders. Contrary to public opinion, cheerleaders are people too

p.p.s. If you are really considering donating to this “worthy” cause, I’ve got an even better cause you can donate to by clicking on the link at the top of the right side of this web page….

 

 

Ghost Productions
Celebrating 15 years in Medical Animation Excellence
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=xMYjfb_M9wM&vq=large

A special offer for Dragon Laffs readers only.  Thanks to our dear camper friend Lynn for this special offer:

 

 

 

Has a light bulb been burning continuously since 1901?  You ain’t gonna believe this one: http://www.snopes.com/science/lightbulb.asp

A new theme song for Dragon Laffs?

Okay, to say I’m completely wowed by this would be the understatement of the year!

Here’s some special laughs from Kim! They made myself and Mrs. Dragon laugh so hard that I just had to feature this as a Last Word.  I hope you have the same fun with it as we had.  Thanks Kim!

Okay, those were terrific fun. Still laughing hard at that one.

Well here we are again campers, for the third straight time!

If I were the Dragon about now I’d start worrying about getting “downsized” or “out sourced”. I have a bunch of Asian Pun Lung Dragons willing to do his job for a couple bowls of rice and a picture of a virgin per day never mind the actual virgin, that’s far less than his salary.

Relax, I just wanted him to wet himself by spilling his coffee down the front of himself. Nothing says morning like the roaring of a shocked surprised Dragon bellowing in pain. Starts the day off on the right note by scaring the crap out of all our employees! Besides if I got rid of him who would we have around for comic relief and to be the target of all my jokes?

Or being here in Hell I could just use the tried and true Flip Wilson line… “The Devil Made Me Do It!”

I’m starting to get used to Hell. The temperature is a lot like that of Houston’s but it’s a “dry heat”. The smell off all the sulfur and brimstone reminds me of being in the Dragon’s office several hours after lunch on Mexican Mondays.

When Lucifer first saw me arrive he was a little nervous. Seems he thought I was here to take over. I have to admit I was also a little nervous as this is the sight that greeted me when I arrived in Hell, I do have to admit it explains a lot though!

 Its all good though, we worked out a deal where he won’t try to keep me and I promise not to stay…once he’s back from his vacation that is. It’s seems I’m the first person since the creation of the concept of hell he’s felt comfortable leaving in charge in his absence for any length of time.

Am I afraid he’ll stick me with the job for a prolonged time? Not really. See I scheduled the installation of a Central A/C system, an upgrade of his computer system to Windows Vista and a Democratic/Liberals/PC Police fact finding junket for the first of the month. I told him if he wasn’t here the installations and visitation go on as planned.

 

So Now Let’s Laugh Like Hell!

 

Our opener is thanks to GinneyK9

The Old Pecker!

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.

He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.

“You see that thing, woman?” he happily exclaimed. “What do you think we ought to do with it?”

With one eye open, his wife replied, “Well, now that you’ve got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it!!

 

Cooter Ronnie Donnie

Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. (Apparently they wuz installing a hunting blind on the tower) As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, ‘Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.

Donnie says, ‘OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.’ Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Ronnie says, ‘Where did you get that beer, Donnie?’
‘Cooter’s wife gave it to me,’

Ronnie replies. ‘That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?’ ‘Well, not exactly’, Donnie says. ‘When she answered the door, I said to her, “you must be Cooter’s widow.”

She said, ‘You must be mistaken.. I’m not a widow.’ Then I said, ‘I’ll bet you a case of Budweiser you are..’

Rednecks are good at that sensitive stuff.

New Illinois License Plate

We expect to see these on the road any day now:

Explanation: Instead of the portrait of Abraham Lincoln and the “Land of Lincoln” slogan of old plates, the new plate shows two Illinois politicians: Governor George Ryan and his successor, Governor Rod Blagojevich.

Ryan is serving time in prison for corruption. Blagojevich was impeached and has recently been convicted of trying to sell the United States Senate seat vacated by Barack Obama when he was elected president.

Thus the new state slogan: “Where Our Governors Make Our License Plates”.

In a related news article, not to be out done by Illinois, Indiana today announced a special license plate program for their most famous criminal son, ImpishDragon. The plate is pictured here:

Indiana’s new state slogan: We Don’t Need Our Politicians To Shit On Us, We Have a Dragon To Do That!

Why Airplanes Have Pillows

http://www.buffaloschips.com/hjfrfdty.htm

Bill passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch.
A neighbor witnessed this and quickly dialed 911.
When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.
“It was enough to make anybody faint,” he said. “My son asked me for the keys to the garage and instead of driving the car out……he came out with the lawn mower!”

1

Deep Fried Cadbury Egg

As if Easter candy was not fattening and deadly enough already!

2

Deep Fried Gummi Bears

These could be single handedly responsible for bringing back the desert fondue crazy again! (Shudder)

3

Deep Fried Klondike Bar

Another whole sick, twisted level of what people would do for a Klondike Bar just opened up and became possible!

4

Deep Fried Coca-Cola. How??

A better question might be WHY?

5

Deep Fried Peeps

HEY! Who is wussing out here? Peeps is marshmallows. That coating appears to be graham cracker based so where it the chocolate sauce for these Easter themed S’mores?

6

Deep Fried Beer.

Bejaysus…it does exist!

7

Deep Fried Twinkie

Half the Diabetics in our readership just went into sugar comas from the powdered sugar on that fried Twinkie alone!

8

Deep Fried Cookie Dough

Butter and sugar battered, deep fried and drowned in chocolate sauce no less! Suren ‘tis Heaven’s own manna come down ta Earth. Saints be praised and ready that flat line cart!!

9

Deep Fried Nutella

After all, the liberals, vegans, vegetarians and gays need artery hardening temptations too!

10

Deep Fried BUTTER.

My left arm is beginning to tingle now and I’m sweating like a frosted mug. The only thing possibly better than that is Deep Fried Thick Cut Bacon or Pork Rinds with a side of Country Gravy!

11

Deep Fried Snickers

Because it might not already be enough of a caloric nightmare  and sugar rush as is sans batter and half a kilo of powdered sugar

12

Deep Fried Oreo

WHAT?! OMG they cheaped out! That’s not even a Double Stuffed or Chocolate covered!

13

Ok so maybe its not fried, but it’s still whole hog wild.

Do not attempt to make any of these treats at home. You WILL die and if the treats don’t kill you Impish diving head first into your kitchen from 5000 feet up to claim some probably will. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Look for Part Two… I was GOING to say Wednesday but at the rate things are going I’ll say the next time I post since it might well turn out to be tomorrow.

<muttering> Freaking Dragon! You TRY to be nice to him and take his Saturday ‘cause he’s “got too much on his plate” (like that’s ever a problem with him at meal times!) Can you get one stinking lousy piece of Wedding Cake out of him? NOooo! Too hard! Too much to ask! Too soused and busy dancing with an entire chandelier on his bloody noggin! But he’ll whine about being thrown under the bus if you bust his balls a little. Well bollox to that! NEXT time he gets bloody well chained to the Southern & Pacific heavy freight line tracks!

 

The night before her wedding, Maria talked with her mother. “Momma,” she said, “I want you should teach me how to make my new husband happy.”

The mother took a deep breath and began, “When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing…”

“I know how to screw, momma,” Maria  interrupted. “I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagna.”

 says…..

 

This is an excellent point!

The world’s largest army… America’s hunters! I had never thought about this….

A logger added up the deer license sales in just a handful of states and arrived at a striking conclusion:

There were over 600,000 hunters this season in the state of Wisconsin .

Allow me to restate that number..

Over the last several months, Wisconsin’s hunters became the eighth largest army in the world.

More men under arms than in Iran … More than in France and Germany combined.

These men deployed to the woods of a single American state to hunt with firearms, and no one was killed.

That number pales in comparison to the 750,000 who hunted the woods of Pennsylvania and Michigan ‘so 700,000 hunters, all of whom have now returned home.

Toss in a quarter million hunters in West Virginia and it literally establishes the fact that the hunters of those four states alone would comprise the largest army in the world. (4 states = 2.3 million hunters)

Lethal here–

Now lets add in Texas where total number of hunters is 1,061,181. That’s over ONE MILLION PLUS or roughly half the other 4 states combined!

Now were looking at 3.36 million hunters.

Now lets look at a couple other numbers quickly to get some perspective on just what that represents.

An Army Division is between 10,000 and 15,000 men so lets use the figure 12,500 right smack in the middle. The gives us roughly 269 Army Divisions.

The Army consists of four corps and 18 divisions. There are generally 3 to 5 Divisions in a Corps.

In the active Army, there are ten divisions: two forward deployed in Europe, one in Korea, one in Hawaii, and six in the continental United States.

The remaining eight are Army National Guard Divisions. The U.S. Army had 28 Divisions – 18 active and 10 National Guard — in 1991. Eight Army divisions were deployed to the Persian Gulf, just as eight Army divisions had been deployed to Korea four decades earlier.

The point?

The oft misattributed to Isoroku Yamamoto quotation which was probably never actual said by anybody..

“You cannot invade the mainland United States. There would be a rifle behind every blade of grass.”

is true. America will forever be safe from (any organized formal) foreign invasion with that kind of home-grown firepower.

What we ARE vulnerable to is the sort of invasion we are experiencing now, an uncontrolled, uncheck invasion by illegal aliens and/or other non US citizens who have NO interest in assimilating and becoming citizens but are rather intent on taking us over internally by the weight of sheer numbers without ever firing a shot!

What’s ever worse is the liberals and Democrats are helping them! Not ONLY are they welcoming them with open arms and Socialist support programs paid for with YOUR money, THEY WANT TO DISARM OUR HUNTER ARMY TOO!

 

 

 

Hunting — it’s not just a way to fill the freezer. It’s a matter of national security!