Well here we are again campers, for the third straight time!
If I were the Dragon about now I’d start worrying about getting “downsized” or “out sourced”. I have a bunch of Asian Pun Lung Dragons willing to do his job for a couple bowls of rice and a picture of a virgin per day never mind the actual virgin, that’s far less than his salary.
Relax, I just wanted him to wet himself by spilling his coffee down the front of himself. Nothing says morning like the roaring of a shocked surprised Dragon bellowing in pain. Starts the day off on the right note by scaring the crap out of all our employees! Besides if I got rid of him who would we have around for comic relief and to be the target of all my jokes?
Or being here in Hell I could just use the tried and true Flip Wilson line… “The Devil Made Me Do It!”
I’m starting to get used to Hell. The temperature is a lot like that of Houston’s but it’s a “dry heat”. The smell off all the sulfur and brimstone reminds me of being in the Dragon’s office several hours after lunch on Mexican Mondays.
When Lucifer first saw me arrive he was a little nervous. Seems he thought I was here to take over. I have to admit I was also a little nervous as this is the sight that greeted me when I arrived in Hell, I do have to admit it explains a lot though!
Its all good though, we worked out a deal where he won’t try to keep me and I promise not to stay…once he’s back from his vacation that is. It’s seems I’m the first person since the creation of the concept of hell he’s felt comfortable leaving in charge in his absence for any length of time.
Am I afraid he’ll stick me with the job for a prolonged time? Not really. See I scheduled the installation of a Central A/C system, an upgrade of his computer system to Windows Vista and a Democratic/Liberals/PC Police fact finding junket for the first of the month. I told him if he wasn’t here the installations and visitation go on as planned.
So Now Let’s Laugh Like Hell!
Our opener is thanks to GinneyK9
The Old Pecker!
An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.
He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.
“You see that thing, woman?” he happily exclaimed. “What do you think we ought to do with it?”
With one eye open, his wife replied, “Well, now that you’ve got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it!!
Cooter Ronnie Donnie
Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. (Apparently they wuz installing a hunting blind on the tower) As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, ‘Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.
Donnie says, ‘OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.’ Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, ‘Where did you get that beer, Donnie?’
‘Cooter’s wife gave it to me,’
Ronnie replies. ‘That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?’ ‘Well, not exactly’, Donnie says. ‘When she answered the door, I said to her, “you must be Cooter’s widow.”
She said, ‘You must be mistaken.. I’m not a widow.’ Then I said, ‘I’ll bet you a case of Budweiser you are..’
Rednecks are good at that sensitive stuff.
New Illinois License Plate
We expect to see these on the road any day now:
Explanation: Instead of the portrait of Abraham Lincoln and the “Land of Lincoln” slogan of old plates, the new plate shows two Illinois politicians: Governor George Ryan and his successor, Governor Rod Blagojevich.
Ryan is serving time in prison for corruption. Blagojevich was impeached and has recently been convicted of trying to sell the United States Senate seat vacated by Barack Obama when he was elected president.
Thus the new state slogan: “Where Our Governors Make Our License Plates”.
In a related news article, not to be out done by Illinois, Indiana today announced a special license plate program for their most famous criminal son, ImpishDragon. The plate is pictured here:
Indiana’s new state slogan: We Don’t Need Our Politicians To Shit On Us, We Have a Dragon To Do That!
Why Airplanes Have Pillows
Bill passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch.
A neighbor witnessed this and quickly dialed 911.
When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.
“It was enough to make anybody faint,” he said. “My son asked me for the keys to the garage and instead of driving the car out……he came out with the lawn mower!”
Deep Fried Gummi Bears
These could be single handedly responsible for bringing back the desert fondue crazy again! (Shudder)
Deep Fried Klondike Bar
Another whole sick, twisted level of what people would do for a Klondike Bar just opened up and became possible!
Deep Fried Peeps
HEY! Who is wussing out here? Peeps is marshmallows. That coating appears to be graham cracker based so where it the chocolate sauce for these Easter themed S’mores?
Deep Fried Twinkie
Half the Diabetics in our readership just went into sugar comas from the powdered sugar on that fried Twinkie alone!
Deep Fried Cookie Dough
Butter and sugar battered, deep fried and drowned in chocolate sauce no less! Suren ‘tis Heaven’s own manna come down ta Earth. Saints be praised and ready that flat line cart!!
Deep Fried Nutella
After all, the liberals, vegans, vegetarians and gays need artery hardening temptations too!
Deep Fried BUTTER.My left arm is beginning to tingle now and I’m sweating like a frosted mug. The only thing possibly better than that is Deep Fried Thick Cut Bacon or Pork Rinds with a side of Country Gravy!
Deep Fried Snickers
Because it might not already be enough of a caloric nightmare and sugar rush as is sans batter and half a kilo of powdered sugar
Deep Fried Oreo
WHAT?! OMG they cheaped out! That’s not even a Double Stuffed or Chocolate covered!
Ok so maybe its not fried, but it’s still whole hog wild.Do not attempt to make any of these treats at home. You WILL die and if the treats don’t kill you Impish diving head first into your kitchen from 5000 feet up to claim some probably will.
Look for Part Two… I was GOING to say Wednesday but at the rate things are going I’ll say the next time I post since it might well turn out to be tomorrow.
<muttering> Freaking Dragon! You TRY to be nice to him and take his Saturday ‘cause he’s “got too much on his plate” (like that’s ever a problem with him at meal times!) Can you get one stinking lousy piece of Wedding Cake out of him? NOooo! Too hard! Too much to ask! Too soused and busy dancing with an entire chandelier on his bloody noggin! But he’ll whine about being thrown under the bus if you bust his balls a little. Well bollox to that! NEXT time he gets bloody well chained to the Southern & Pacific heavy freight line tracks!
The night before her wedding, Maria talked with her mother. “Momma,” she said, “I want you should teach me how to make my new husband happy.”
The mother took a deep breath and began, “When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing…”
“I know how to screw, momma,” Maria interrupted. “I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagna.”
This is an excellent point!
The world’s largest army… America’s hunters! I had never thought about this….
A logger added up the deer license sales in just a handful of states and arrived at a striking conclusion:
There were over 600,000 hunters this season in the state of Wisconsin .
Allow me to restate that number..
Over the last several months, Wisconsin’s hunters became the eighth largest army in the world.
More men under arms than in Iran … More than in France and Germany combined.
These men deployed to the woods of a single American state to hunt with firearms, and no one was killed.
That number pales in comparison to the 750,000 who hunted the woods of Pennsylvania and Michigan ‘so 700,000 hunters, all of whom have now returned home.
Toss in a quarter million hunters in West Virginia and it literally establishes the fact that the hunters of those four states alone would comprise the largest army in the world. (4 states = 2.3 million hunters)
Now lets add in Texas where total number of hunters is 1,061,181. That’s over ONE MILLION PLUS or roughly half the other 4 states combined!
Now were looking at 3.36 million hunters.
Now lets look at a couple other numbers quickly to get some perspective on just what that represents.
An Army Division is between 10,000 and 15,000 men so lets use the figure 12,500 right smack in the middle. The gives us roughly 269 Army Divisions.
The Army consists of four corps and 18 divisions. There are generally 3 to 5 Divisions in a Corps.
In the active Army, there are ten divisions: two forward deployed in Europe, one in Korea, one in Hawaii, and six in the continental United States.
The remaining eight are Army National Guard Divisions. The U.S. Army had 28 Divisions – 18 active and 10 National Guard — in 1991. Eight Army divisions were deployed to the Persian Gulf, just as eight Army divisions had been deployed to Korea four decades earlier.
The oft misattributed to Isoroku Yamamoto quotation which was probably never actual said by anybody..
“You cannot invade the mainland United States. There would be a rifle behind every blade of grass.”
is true. America will forever be safe from (any organized formal) foreign invasion with that kind of home-grown firepower.
What we ARE vulnerable to is the sort of invasion we are experiencing now, an uncontrolled, uncheck invasion by illegal aliens and/or other non US citizens who have NO interest in assimilating and becoming citizens but are rather intent on taking us over internally by the weight of sheer numbers without ever firing a shot!
What’s ever worse is the liberals and Democrats are helping them! Not ONLY are they welcoming them with open arms and Socialist support programs paid for with YOUR money, THEY WANT TO DISARM OUR HUNTER ARMY TOO!
Hunting — it’s not just a way to fill the freezer. It’s a matter of national security!