Dragon Laffs #1222


Dragon Laffs3Good Morning Campers! welcome  According to the blog site we’ve got some new people visiting today.  I would love to introduce you all by name, but it doesn’t work that way.  Suffice it to say that we have new campers in the campgrounds and we are glad you’re here.

Lots of excitement going on lately with the blog.  Lethal’s Last Word yesterday created about as much reply traffic as we’ve seen on any topic.  2For those of you who are still just reading the e-zine in your mail box, you’re missing out on a good part of the fun by not being able to read the comments.  you should go to the website to get the full effect of this great issue.

I’d like to take a second to wish Mrs. Dragon a happy Anniversary.  We’ve been together for 400 years tomorrow.  (That’s about 16 years in human terms.) And I can honestly say that each and every year has been better and more fun than the last.  To my best friend…
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Now…. on with the laughter!

Here’s an oldie, but goodie to get us started:

A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, ‘I would like to buy some cyanide The pharmacist asked, ‘Why in the world do you need cyanide? ‘The lady replied, ‘I need it to poison my husband.

‘The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, ‘Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!

‘The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, ‘Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.’

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Oh my gosh!  Thank you, thank you, thank you to Ariel for this marvelous attitude adjustment!!!!!!

And here’s the words so you can sign along!

Gonna put the the world away for a minute
Pretend I don’t live in it
Sunshine gonna wash my blues away

Had sweet love but I lost it
She got too close so I fought her
Now I’m lost in the world trying to find me a better way

Wishing I was knee deep in the water somewhere
Got the blue sky breeze and it don’t seem fair
Only worry in the world is the tide gonna reach my chair
Sunrise there’s a fire in the sky
Never been so happy 
Never felt so high
And I think I might have found me my own kind of paradise

Wrote a note said be back in a minute
Bought a boat and I sailed off in it
Don’t think anybody gonna miss me anyway

Mind on a permanent vacation
The ocean is my only medication
Wishing my condition ain’t ever gonna go away

Cause now I’m knee deep in the water somewhere
Got the blue sky breeze blowing wind through my hair

Only worry in the world is the tide gonna reach my chair
Sunrise there’s a fire in the sky
Never been so happy 
Never felt so high
And I think I might have found me my own kind of paradise

This champagne shore washing over me
It’s a sweet sweet life living by the salty sea
One day you could be as lost as me
Change you’re geography 
Maybe you might be

Knee deep in the water somewhere
Got the blue sky breeze blowing wind through my hair
Only worry in the world is the tide gonna reach my chair
Sunrise there’s a fire in the sky
Never been so happy 
Never felt so high
And I think I might have found me my own kind of paradise

Come on in the water it’s nice
Find yourself a little slice
Grab a backpack realize 
You never know until you try 
When you lose yourself
You find the key to paradise

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DragonPapa1 (137)

Dear Nemo,
Oh no, your mom died too?

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Dear Boss,

I have enjoyed working here these past several years. You have paid me very well, given me benefits beyond belief. I have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and a health plan that most people can only dream about.

I plan to take the next 12-18 months to find a new position.  During this time I will show up for work when it is convenient.

In Addition I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks associated with my current job. Oh, yeah, if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be back With no loss in pay or status.

Before you say anything, remember that you Have no choice in the matter.  I can and will do this.

Sincerely,

Every Senator or Congressman running for President.

Try that at your job and tell me how it works out.

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Thanks to Sue for pointing us towards this hilarious clip:

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Thanks to Jeannie for pointing to this one on the Life With Cats website…
Craigslist Guy Has The Right Idea
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Actual Austin TX Craigslist ad placed after the guy’s girlfriend said his cat had to go. It’ s making the rounds now.

We don’t know if the poster’s girlfriend really gave him the ultimatum, but this is an actual Craigslist post. The photo image is from the ad but was taken off of the internet and is not the poster’s cat.

Girlfriend says cat has to go!! Free tonight!!

My girlfriend said the cat has to be gone by 12:00 tomarrow. She left a little while ago to hang with her friends. I put all her crap on the lawn and will try my best to find her a new home but if not there is always the shelter.

So what we have here is one mildly attractive yet bitchy soon to find out she is a homeless exgirlfriend. She is somewhat house broken (but i think she is still connected to her mom by the umbilical cord).

She is in her midtwenties and is NOT SPAYED (though she usually takes the pill) Lot of life left in this one. She is up to date on her shots and is great with dogs and small children, but does not seem to get along well with cats.

She is playfull and bathroom trained (If takeing over every inch of horizontal surface with her stuff in the place is house broken. Then she is the Queen of house brokeness!!!).

She has somewhat of a special diet though i never figured it out fully, but pretty much it is dictated by what ever her closest friend of that week is into (Raw, vegan, atkins, hostess) You get the picture.

She will be coming with a whole lot of stuff!! (If it is still there when she comes home, but when iam done here Iam heading right over to the free section so maybe not) There will not be a rehoming fee (As a matter of fact i got $34 cash if you can get her tonight, If you need more we can hit the atm unless you have paypal then we have lots of options).

The main reason I am rehoming her is becuase she moved in about 9 months ago, and for three months everything was great, but then she started bitching about my cat. My cat has lived with me for 11 years since he was abandoned in my yard at about 3 weeks old, and i had too bottle feed him and teach him how to do everything a cool male should know (hunt, nap, play, hide, chirp like a bird. how to use a litter box!! This was the most challenging as i did not know how to use one myself. That made for some awkward moments) In other words Misdemeanor and I have been kicking it for a long time, and if she thinks I would even consider kicking him to the curb. Well need i say more?

I may put her up for auction on ebay tonight if my lawyer gives me the okay.

__________

We do not include the poster’s contact information for fear he will be inundated with offers for replacement girlfriends.

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and how about a follow up to Craigs List guy from the Life With Cats website:

“Hello! And thank you all for the comments!! You all are making my recent break up much easier” … says Craigslist Guy to those of us who’ve read his amusing breakup post, sent him well wishes, and said we’d like a guy like that. He tells Life With cats readers what it has been like for him since he offered his girlfriend free to a good home when she told him to get rid of his cat companion of 11 years.

The Austin TX man posted in a roundaout way about his breakup on Craigslist, by publicly ditching the gal with great humor by offering her “free to a good home” in a listing that mirrors one that might have been used to give away a cat.

If you haven’t read his ad or want to visit it again, read Craigslist Guy Has The Right Idea for the delightful “Girlfriend says cat has to go!! Free tonight!! post.

Now he tells Life With Cats readers what the experience of his ad going viral has been like, and how he’s faring.

Craigslist Guy aka username “misder” has checked in with us a few times since returning home from a getaway after making the now famous Craigslist post in the Austin TX edition of the online bulletin board.

The poster, who more than a few ladies have admitted to having a little crush on, seems like a nice, friendly guy and says he appreciates all the messages and comments he has gotten in recent days.

He tells all of us who’ve read and commented at Life With cats:

“Hello! And thank you all for the comments!! You all are making my recent break up much easier. :o )

It has taken 2 days to read all the emails and not one person wanted her. This has been an amazing experience. I posted that ad for her cuz i knew one of (her) friends would see it, but this is so much better. I don’t think she even saw it, or has not yet…..

Oh and for any-one that is curious?? She is gone I don’t even know where she is staying. I left my phone and computer and went to the beach to meditate for the weekend. I came in late last night and had a few hundred e-mails to filter through.

Thank you all so much!! I did not even have a single hate mail. Everyone has supported me in this. :o )”

Craigslist Guy sounds like a pretty cool guy and we are happy to have crossed paths with him. As so many readers have said, he’s a good man for staying true to his cat and knowing who should stay and who should go when the ultimatum came.

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Last Saturday afternoon, in Washington , D.C. . , an aide to Nancy Pelosi visited the Bishop of the Catholic cathedral in D.C.

He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day’s Mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the
congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

The Cardinal replied, “No. I don’t really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi’s views.”

Pelosi’s aide then said, “Look, I’ll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you’ll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint.”

The Cardinal thought about it and said, “Well, the church can use the money, so I’ll work your request into tomorrow’s sermon.” As Pelosi’s aide promised, Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated

herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle.


As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Speaker Pelosi was present.

The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, “While Pelosi’s presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip- flop on many other issues.

Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self -absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit.. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed.. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative
obligations both in Washington , and in California . The woman is simply not to be trusted.”

The Cardinal concluded, “But, when compared with President Obama, Pelosi is a saint.”


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An off shoot of the “You’re so ugly” joke:

These three guys are sitting at a bar arguing which one has the ugliest wife. The conversation begins to get heated to the point of the barkeeper telling them to get the hell out or shut up! In fact he says, “why don’t you settle it once and for all and just visit each others house and decide for yourselves…”

Damn Good idea they agree, finish their drinks and make off for the first guy’s house.

Upon arriving, he bangs on his door and the wife answers, she’s not pretty and he turns to collect the bet from the other two.

“Not so fast,” says the second, “I got that beat.”

And off they go to his house… He bangs on the door and his wife comes to answer the door opens and all three step back in fright; she’s damn ugly.

He asks to collect the bet but the third guy says, “Sorry, I’ve got you both beat.”

He goes to his house and walks right in, there’s no sign of anyone around. He stomps his foot on the trap door in the floor and they all hear this voice say, “Is that you honey?”

“Yeah it’s me,” he says.

“Do you want me to come out?” she asks.

“Yes please,” he says.

“Should I put the bag on my head?” she asks.

He says, “No. I don’t want to fuck you, I just want to show you off!”

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A woman went to the doctor and complained that she was suffering from knee pains.

“Do you indulge in any activity that puts a lot of pressure on your knees?” asked the doctor.

“Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor doggy style.”

“I see,” said the doctor. “You know, there are plenty of other sexual positions?”

“Not if you want to watch TV there ain’t!”

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Lethal Leprechaun arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.

An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

“No,” replied the Leprechaun. “I’ve lost all me luggage!”

“How’d that happen?”

“The cork fell out!” said Lethal.

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A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can’t possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, “Congratulations son, we’ve been waiting a long time for you.”

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says “Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don’t remember doing anything really special when I was alive.”

“Congratulations for what?” says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man’s modesty. “We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!”

The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says “Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty.”

“That’s simply impossible son,” says Saint Peter. “We’ve added up your time sheets.”


How to make sure your mom connects to the correct WiFi…
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A man walks into a bar and looks depressed. The bartender comes over and, with a great show of compassion, gives him a beer on the house.”Something bothering you, pal?” the bartender asks.

“The wife and I had a fight,” the man said, “She doesn’t like it when I say the word, ‘bitch’.”

“Why is that?”

“She thinks I need to learn her mother’s real name.”

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It seems as though I’m a roll with people sending me stuff to help me.  Ariel earlier with the song and now Brian sends this fantastic treatise on Stress…

The True Meaning of Stress


A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience; with a raised glass of water, and everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, ‘half empty or half full?’….. she fooled them all…. “How heavy is this glass of water?”, she inquired with a smile..

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it.

If I hold it for a minute, that’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you’ll have to call an ambulance. In each case it’s the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.” She continued, “and that’s the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won’t be able to carry on.”

“As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we’re refreshed, we can carry on with the burden – holding stress longer and better each time practiced. So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don’t carry them through the evening and into the night… pick them up tomorrow.

Whatever burdens you’re carrying now, let them down for a moment. Relax, pick them up later after you’ve rested. Life is short. Enjoy it and the now ‘supposed’ stress that you’ve conquered!”

1 * Accept the fact that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue!

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

4 * Drive carefully… It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker..

5 * If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague

6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it..

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8 * Never buy a car you can’t push.

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.

10 * Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

11 * Since it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.

13 * When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live..

15 * You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.

20 * It was I, your friend!

*Save the earth….. It’s the only planet with chocolate!

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3 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1222

  1. Jeff says:

    Well said, Lynn Fux!
    Here in Israel I think that dogs are only human too.
    “If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.” Will Rogers, 1897-1935

  2. Dan- NYC says:

    Happy Anniversary to Mr. & Mrs. Dragon!

  3. Lynn Fux says:

    Well,Congrats Impish! If Mrs. Dragon didn’t have to pay you to write all that wonderful anniversary stuff than I have been right all along,you REALLY ARE THE SWEETEST DRAGON ON THE BLOCK!!!!

    tHE VIDEO WITH THE LITTLE GIRL AND DOG AT THE WATER FOUNTAIN IS FROM Israel; you can tell from the very beginning when the little one keeps telling the dog DIE,DIE which is actually a Hebrew word for stop stop. Also unlike some other outsiders animals seem to be afforded the same status as humans in Israel,well loved family members!!! Again Mazal-Tov ,Lynn

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