As you exit the elevator and stairwells you are greeted by new discrete but prominently placed signs indicating the unacceptability of possession of a certain type of baked good on this particular level. As you entered the building you also noticed signs listing several levels where such baked items were not allowed and directing you what to do with any in your possession.

As you enter the room you notice quite a few of the DL/LL Electronic Media Senior Staff in attendance today. Obviously they are expecting something noteworthy to occur here this morning.

A few of you are surprised to see Impish in his recently unused but accustomed place curled up on the side of the dais. While appearing thinner and gaunter as though he’d recently been quite ill, his appearance is remarkably pristine and his manner low key. His scales seem freshly polished, no food drips can be seen down his front and nothing (nobody?) is currently stuck in his teeth. His eyes are clear and sharp and lack the sedated look that they had recently as well as the previous familiar look that his mind was always on something else even when he was here with you readers.

Uncharacteristically he actually appears quite intently focused on what Lethal and the two unfamiliar figures with him, (one obviously by the cut of his suit and mannerisms a lawyer the other, female ,exceptionally professional looking, polished and at ease) seem to be discussing with him. Not only that but Impish looks to be actually following along on the sheaf of papers in his hand and asking questions which cause all three to debate before providing an answer which Impish then makes margin notes of.

As you find your seats they seem to be finishing up their meeting. Suit hands Impish a card which he places under the paper clip on the papers in hand as does the female who’s hand rather than lick 1/2 way up her arm Impish politely takes and appears to be sincerely thanking her.

Lethal gestures them off stage. While Impish store his papers carefully in a  budging satchel which has been between his feet the entire time Lethal approached the podium. He is joined by his assistant Terrance who seems to be inventorying the contents of the satchel and insuring that everything is secure in it.

Good Morn’ ta ya all. If you’d be so kind as to settle we’re a wee pressed for time at the moment.

As you can see Impish is here this morning rather than in Draconia. Weather conditions here and along the flight route plus the loss of power for roughly 6 hours in single digit weather at his human aspect residence caused Queen Tiamat to grant Impish 3 days hardship delay for his required appearance. He’s to leave shortly but the staff and I wanted to wish him all the best as I’m sure you do was well. In fact the staff and myself have prepared a little going away surprise for him to show our support in our own inimitable way.

So lets get this rolling!

OK. The obligatory proprieties having been observed lets get on with our good by for Impish.

The curtain pulls back to reveal a complete girl band consisting of Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Lethal Personal Assistant Friday whom are all sisters. They all dressed in skin tight LBDs, hair severely pulled back into buns, fire engine red lip stick, black seam up the back nylons and four inch stiletto heels. The kick drum sports a ‘No Pie’ symbol and the bands name which is apparently Forbidden Desserts. All the guitars are wedge bodies which have had graphic skins applied to resemble pies slices and the guitar necks done to resemble cans of aerosol whipped cream. they immediately strike up a familiar chord as Lethal leans into the mic once more.

Ladies and Gentleman I give you our surprise guest vocalist…ROBERT PALMER!

Lethal appears slightly miffed as do the girls in the band. As Friday tightens Mr. Palmer’s already perfect tie Lethal unbuttons his coat and reaches into his vest meaningfully, but does not withdraw what ever it is he’s grasping. He places a hand over the mic but you can still hear him if you listen hard

Bobby bubala, you’re going to do it again, this time just like I rewrote it…or next time you sing, it’s going to be thru one of them electronic voice boxes you hold to your throat.

We simpatico now? GOOD!

Ahem! Ladies and Gentleman I apologies, as great as that was it was not what we had planned Mr. Palmer apparently didn’t understand my lyrical changes for today so we’re going to try this again.

Lethal Leprechaun’s  Addicted to Pie

Your lights are on, but your brains not home
Your mind is not your own
Your heart races, you’ve got the shakes
Another wedge is what it takes

You can’t sleep, you constantly eat
There’s no doubt, you’re in deep
Your stomach is tight, you can’t breathe
Another sliver is all you need

Whoa, you like to think that you’re immune to the stuff, oh yeah
It’s closer to the truth to say you can’t ever get enough
You know you’re gonna have to face it, you’re addicted to pie

You see the signs, but you can’t read
You’re flying at ludicrious speed
Your heart beats in double time
Another bakery and you’ll be fine, you’ve one track mind

You can’t be saved
Sweet or Savory its all you crave
If there’s a slice left or two
You don’t mind if you do

Whoa, you like to think that you’re immune to the stuff, oh yeah
It’s closer to the truth to say you can’t ever get enough
You know you’re gonna have to face it, you’re addicted to pie

Might as well face it, you’re addicted to pie
Might as well face it, you’re addicted to pie
Might as well face it, you’re addicted to pie
Might as well face it, you’re addicted to pie
Might as well face it, you’re addicted to pie

Your lights are on, but your brains not home
Your will is not your own
You’re heart sweats and teeth grind
Another wedge and you’ll be fine

Whoa, you like to think that you’re immune to the stuff, oh yeah
It’s closer to the truth to say you can’t get enough
You know you’re gonna have to face it, you’re addicted to pie

Might as well face it, you’re addicted to pie
Might as well face it, you’re addicted to pie
Might as well face it, you’re addicted to pie
Might as well face it, you’re addicted to pie
Might as well face it, you’re addicted to pie

And now we all bid a Bon Voyage to Impish, wish him all the best, and a speedy (rescue not required) return, both to us his friends, as well as his duties for the blog and the Draconian Ambassadorship to the Mundane World.

Impish shoots Lethal a thumbs up to which he responds with a curt nod and then becomes heavily invested in cleaning his glasses vigorously with his handkerchief. Waving to you all he turns to shuffle off stage towards the 2 waiting figures from earlier at the start of a green carpet runner and the elevator pausing to talk to Robert Palmer and the band for a moment with Terrance in tow.

As he leaves the band Terrance  turns the band’s microphone towards his self in a faux Jersey accent calls out:

“Dead Dragon walking the Green Mile!”

Instantly all of those in the Patron Reader’s Area rise en masse and bow their heads. Impish stops looks around bemusedly looks at the carpet then at a barely maintaining solemn composure Terrance before smartly fishing his turn towards the carpet and with a swish of his tail swatting Terrance arse over tea kettle…literally into the hot water kettles set on the table for the instant beverages in the gallery seating area.

That’s for mixing your movie metaphors and spoiling it Terrance you wannabe wise guy.

OK folks we’re done for today though I’m going to try to get Mr. Palmer to sing again at some point.

Enjoy the rest of the issue!

A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex:
Husband: “Sukitaki. Mojitaka!”
Wife replies: “Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!”
Husband says angrily: “Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!”
Wife on her knees literally begging: “Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!”
Husband shouts angrily: “Na miaou kina Tim kouji!”

I can’t believe you all just sat there trying to read this – you don’t know Japanese!   I swear you guys will read anything as long as it’s about sex…. Your all in need of serious help!!!  Sometimes I worry about you folks.

http://edition.cnn.com/2015/02/27/entertainment/feat-obit-leonard-nimoy-spock/index.html?eref=edition

(CNN)Leonard Nimoy, whose portrayal of “Star Trek’s” logic-driven, half-human science officer Spock made him an iconic figure to generations, died Friday. He was 83.

Nimoy died this morning in Bel Air, California, his son Adam Nimoy told CNN.

According to his granddaughter, Madeleine Nimoy, the cause of death was chronic obstructive pulmonary disease.

His “Star Trek” co-stars, including William Shatner and George Takei, expressed sadness at his death.

“I loved him like a brother. We will all miss his humor, his talent, and his capacity to love.” -William Shatner http://t.co/U8ZN98tVYp

— William Shatner (@WilliamShatner) February 27, 2015

“We return you now to the stars, Leonard. You taught us to ‘Live Long And Prosper,’ and you indeed did, friend,” Takei wrote.

Nimoy’s career in show business spanned more than six decades and included stints as a stage actor, television guest star, series regular and movie veteran. He also directed a handful of films, including the box-office hit “Three Men and a Baby” in 1987. He was a singer (of sorts), a published poet and an accomplished photographer.

But his lasting claim to fame remains Spock, a native of the planet Vulcan whose pointed ears, unemotional manner and frequently uttered “fascinating” endeared him to millions. Astronaut Chris Hadfield remembered him as an “inspiration.”

Leonard, you lived long and prospered, and were an inspiration to me and to millions. Rest in peace. pic.twitter.com/NESJKvTepm

— Chris Hadfield (@Cmdr_Hadfield) February 27, 2015

He felt a close connection to the character.

“Spock is definitely one of my best friends. When I put on those ears, it’s not like just another day. When I become Spock, that day becomes something special,” he told Starlog in 1989.

To the stars

Leonard Simon Nimoy was actually born in Boston, far from Vulcan, on March 26, 1931. (His longtime “Trek” colleague, William Shatner, was born four days earlier in Montreal.) His parents were Russian immigrants, and he was raised in an Orthodox Jewish family.

He incorporated some of his religious heritage into the “Star Trek” character, most notably the hand gesticulation accompanied by the phrase “Live long and prosper.” It was adopted from a blessing given by a Jewish priestly class called the kohanim. Nimoy credited writer Theodore Sturgeon for the phrase “Live long and prosper,” a variation of a spoken blessing.

Nimoy continued to use the phrase long after his “Star Trek” days: On Twitter, he would close his tweets with the abbreviation “LLAP.”

A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved, except in memory. LLAP

— Leonard Nimoy (@TheRealNimoy) February 23, 2015

FCC adopts historic Internet rules

Commission approves measure 3-2

NEW YORK (CNNMoney) –

The FCC has passed a historic measure to more strictly regulate the Internet.

The new rules, known as “net neutrality,” act to provide equal opportunity for Internet speeds and access to websites.

The central question was whether network owners — like Comcast or Time Warner Cable — can discriminate what runs on their cables. The FCC’s answer on Friday was: No.

The Democratic-led commission approved 3-to-2, split along party lines, to assert extra government authority over the Internet.

Now for the wild claims on both sides: “We saved the Internet!” or “We’ve destroyed it with government bureaucracy!”

Don’t believe the hype. Take a deep breath. It’s a long, tricky road ahead.

The FCC rules won’t be official until maybe summertime. Then major telecom companies will challenge new rules in court. A judge might put the rules rules on hold. The next president, if Republican, could let this fizzle away.

That’s why, in the near term, nothing changes. No, Netflix won’t suddenly stream any faster. No, AT&T and Comcast won’t abruptly stop laying down high-speed fiber cables in your neighborhood as retaliation. And yes, Netflix can still cut deals with broadband companies for faster access to a network.

So what just happened, exactly? The FCC just granted itself the power to defeat a raging, fire-breathing monster: the monopolistic network owners who can kill Internet freedom by blocking websites — or by creating an Internet fast lane for the privileged few rich tech companies that can pay for it.

But this monster is actually a phantom menace. Sure, in the past, telecoms have been bullies. Verizon blocked Google Wallet. AT&T can’t block video chatting apps. Comcast slowed down file-sharing websites like BitTorrent. Rural telephone provider Madison River blocked Vonage’s over-the-Internet phone calls. However, the FCC used existing rules to fix those problems.

That’s why some worry about how the FCC just ensured net neutrality. To enforce fairness rules, the agency will regulate network owners by scooping them up under Title II of the 1934 Telecommunications Act, a specific set of regulations that apply to phone companies. Telecoms say the rules don’t match the services they provide. They don’t trust the FCC’s promise that it will apply only a tiny fraction of those rules and won’t regulate rates and increase taxes.

“Assurances like these don’t tend to last very long,” warned Republican FCC Commissioner Ajit Pai. “Expect … regulation to ratchet up as time goes on.”

Meanwhile, Tom Wheeler, the FCC chairman who ditched his original dialed-back plan for this one, assured this isn’t a government power grab.

“This is no more a plan to regulate the Internet than the First Amendment is a plan to regulate free speech,” he said. “They both stand for the same concept: openness, expression and an absence of gatekeepers.”

How did we start caring about this? Credit comedian John Oliver, who got enough viewers of his HBO show that a record 4 million Americans sent comments to the FCC.

He framed it from the point of view of the average person dealing with their Internet service provider. Plans are expensive, service is inexplicably spotty and you have little choice. Clearly, the network owners are the bad guys.

But wait, there’s a third option. As this fight makes its way through the courts, Congress has the opportunity to stand up and write rules that work too. [Because gee THAT happens so very often! ]

After all, both network owners and the websites that flow data through them have a point. Outright blocking and anti-competitive behavior is unfair and should be illegal. On the other hand, for technical reasons, network owners need to manage traffic. Your video stream needs to move faster than your email for your experience to feel smooth.

That’s why critics call the Title II approach — what the FCC did today — a blunt instrument. But it’s not clear that it’s as wonderful — or terrible — as everyone says.

3 questions YOU should be asking about net neutrality

Despite outlining new rules in a five-page press release, no one outside the FCC has actually seen the 300 pages of regulations that will now govern Internet access in this country. The two dissenting votes, Republicans Ajut Pai and Michael O’Rielly, said that part of the reason they opposed the Open Internet Order was because of the lack of public, transparent debate over the specific contents.

The first question you should be asking your congressman is what’s with all this secrecy? Most insiders expect the full text of the regulations to be released within the next few days, but it’s disappointing to me that the whole debate took place behind closed doors.

The second question you need to ask is what was the problem in the first place? My data wasn’t slowed down and I haven’t met anyone who says theirs was, either. I don’t like the idea of making more rules and laws and growing government especially when there isn’t really a problem that needs to be fixed in the first place.

It’s true that Verizon has publicly admitted to throttling speeds of customers who purchased unlimited data plans as an “incentive to limit usage.” On the surface, this seems like a ploy to force customers to pay more for un-throttled data plans, however, Verizon assured everyone that it’s to optimize speeds for more customers. Netflix users also experienced heavy, systematic slowdowns of their streaming content. However, Netflix worked out a deal with Comcast and other ISPs to pay undisclosed sums to avoid future slowdowns. That’s the free market at work.

The third question is how could the Internet be more free and open than it is right now? Have you seen the kind of websites there are operating these days? Tom Wheeler “promises” that his new rules will keep government out of the Internet, but I’ll believe it when I see it.

I don’t know about you, but I want answers to these questions. The FCC isn’t a lawmaking agency. Congress can still pass new laws that override these regulations. On top of that, you can expect these rules to be met with serious legal challenges. We may have to wait a long time for the courts to decide before we have closure on this issue. In the meantime, I encourage you to contact your representatives in Washington to let them know what  you think the future of the Internet should be.

Meet the Gutsy Dad That Started a Car Wash to Help His Son Find Purpose

The Federal Witness Protection Program has come up with a sure-fire method for making absolutely certain that people entering the program are NEVER found by anyone.
They just change the witness’ name to G-Spot.

Might I be so bold as to suggest this applies to the Abortion issue and should be a guiding rule for all those Sharia Law zealots in the US insisting we kiss their camels?

Prep time: 15 minutes
Cook time: 20 minutes
Serves: 8

You can make Olive Garden Chicken Gnocchi soup just like the Olive Garden does. Just a few ingredients and you can enjoy this famous soup at home.

Ingredients

• 4 tablespoons (1/2 stick) butter
• 1 tablespoon extra virgin olive oil
• 1 cup finely diced onion
• 1/2 cup finely diced celery
• 2 garlic cloves, minced
• 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
• 1 quart half-and-half
• 2 (14-ounce) cans chicken broth (if you enjoy a thicker soup, use 1 can)
• Salt
• 1/2 teaspoon dried thyme
• 1/2 teaspoon dried parsley flakes
• 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg (optional)
• 1 cup finely shredded carrots
• 1 cup coarsely chopped fresh spinach leaves
• 1 cup diced cooked chicken breast (you can use a rotisserie chicken)
• 1 (16-ounce/500g) package ready-to-use gnocchi

Instructions

Melt the butter into the oil in a large saucepan over medium heat. Add the onion, celery, and garlic and cook, stirring occasionally, until the onion becomes translucent. Whisk in the flour and cook for about 1 minute. Whisk in the half-and-half. Simmer until thickened. Whisk in the chicken broth. Simmer until thickened again. Stir in 1/2 teaspoon salt, the thyme, parsley, nutmeg (if using), carrots, spinach, chicken, and gnocchi. Simmer until the soup is heated through. Before serving, season with additional salt, if necessary.

Sauteed Vegetables with Garlic & Soy Sauce

INGREDIENTS:

• 3 tablespoons soy sauce
• 1 tablespoon honey
• 2 teaspoons minced garlic
• 2 tablespoons Canola or Peanut Oil
• 2 medium zucchini, cut into matchsticks
• 2 cups fresh snow peas
• 2 cups matchstick carrots
• 1 teaspoon sesame seeds (optional)

PREPARATION DIRECTIONS:

1. COMBINE soy sauce, honey and garlic in small bowl.

2. HEAT oil in large skillet or wok over medium-high heat.

3. ADD zucchini, snow peas and carrots. Sauté 1 to 2 minutes, just until tender. Add soy sauce mixture. Cook an additional 1 minute, stirring constantly. Top with sesame seeds, if desired.

Oven-Fried Chicken Chimichangas

Prep 20 min.

Total 45 min.

Serves 6

 1 chimichanga each

Bake: 25 min.

Here’s a delicious way to enjoy chimichangas without all the mess from deep-frying…and guess what?  They actually taste better this way.

What You’ll Need

2/3 cup Picante Sauce
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1/2 teaspoon dried oregano leaves, crushed
1 1/2 cups chopped cooked chicken
1 cup shredded Cheddar cheese (about 4 ounces)
2 green onions, chopped (about 1/4 cup)
6 flour tortillas (8-inch), warmed
2 tablespoons butter, melted

How to Make It

• 1 Stir the picante sauce, cumin, oregano, chicken, cheese and onions in a medium bowl.
• 2 Place about 1/2 cup of the chicken mixture in the center of each tortilla. Fold the opposite sides over the filling. Roll the tortillas up from the bottom and place them seam-side down on a baking sheet. Brush the tortilla rolls with butter.
• 3 Bake at 400°F. for 25 minutes or until they’re golden brown. Serve with additional picante sauce.

Don’t have Picante on hand? No problem just use salsa as is instead or give it a quick pulse in blender or food processor and it basically becomes Picante

That’s Norris on of the Ninja Kitties Kitty-Fu masters thrashing one of the local subversive squirrels. He seems pretty perturbed which isn’t like Norris at all. Wonder what that’s all about?

Well THAT goes along way to explaining why Norris is mad at the squirrels, that was either the last piece of Pepperoni & Anchovy pizza (I always save him a piece  of any Anchovy topped pizza to stay on his good side) or a piece of that Bacon Crusted Deep Dish pizza.

Speaking of Norris and the rest of the Ninja Kitty Clan they’ve been really busy of late so I was forced to look into getting them some help.

Better watch out! George isn’t curious anymore! Now he’s a poo flinging monkey with a phenomenal aim, a diaper full of ammo, hair trigger temper and a mean streak!

President vetoes Keystone bill, confused frat houses begin protesting outside White House

Bill O’Reilly in virtual tie with Brian Williams, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert for Press Association’s “Most Trusted Name in Fake News” award.

The Top 5 Signs Your Candidate Doesn’t Have a Chance of Winning the Democratic Primary

1. Their first speech demands equal rights for the BLT community.
2. They were recently released from Guantanamo Bay.
3. Promises to pick a running mate with “Bobby Kennedy’s heart and Dick Cheney’s balls.”
4. He’s currently the vice president.

And the Number One Sign Your Candidate Doesn’t Have a Chance of Winning the Democratic Primary…

1. His name isn’t Hillary.

When we last left our zero err hero(?) he had been more or less pinning in place on his back by a sleeping cat after several mishap adventures/discoveries having recently been introduced to unicorns and bacon. We now more on the the second of the diaries (dragon claws write fairly large and boldly when used as pens to say nothing of size being a relative term to them)

    Dragon Diaries Part Two

Merchant had big trunk of amethysts. Purple Sparklys! Purple Sparklys! Purple Sparklys!Purp…oh, little woozy there. Time for a lie down.

Met a knight-at-arms, alone and palely loitering. Ated him. Ated pretty lady he kept whining about too. Hard and cold on the outside, but soft and warm on the inside. Yummy!

Thinking of lounging on my hoard today. Dragons are supposed to do that sometimes, aren’t they? And Nap + Sparklys = Win!

Was thinking about gardening, heard you could grow your own food from cuttings, but cat says it doesn’t work with knights. 😦

A man with a skinny bendy sword came to the cave. He said he was more nimble than armor-knights and he would slay me easily. When he poked me, skinny sword broke on skin. I ated him.

Saw the pointy-face horse again today. Still looks delicious. Want! Maybe cat is wrong about obsession being unhealthy…

Just realized that pointy-face horse is kind of Sparkly… Sparkly! Sparkly! Sparkly!

Sadness. Sticking fake horn on normal horse doesn’t make it sparkly. Doesn’t improve flavor either. Ated horse anyway.

Very long day. Ated 2 knights, 5 squires, 3 pages, 2 horses, and a quintain. Ated 11 bystanders and a set of bleachers too. Maybe overdid it a bit. Tired now. Zzzzzz

The stage is quiet and the curtains are drawn as people settle into their seats.  There are only a few minutes left before the normal start time, although nothing has been normal around here lately.  Crazy is a relative term when used with anything that has to do with DL&LL, but lately a whole new level of insanity has been reached.  Impish has been mostly gone or in captivity from one group or another.  The A.S.S.H.A.T.s had him locked up in Gitmo for a while and he escaped with the help of…well, you know it’s supposed to be classified, but let’s just say that he was rescued by a mythical creature and some cats, as well as flying mammals.
Now, he’s in a center for addiction withdrawal for a horrible pie addiction that has caused no end of drama around here.
As you are pondering these events, the speakers around the room crackle and you can hear your favorite blue dragon saying:
…and a direct line in, press this button and …

The picture resolves into Impish, sitting in a room with plain concrete walls, a small metal desk with a laptop upon it and our hero sitting behind it, turned to his left, facing the camera.  A long cigar is hanging from his mouth and what can only be described generously as a brown bowler hat is perched atop his head, slightly cockeyed due to it’s being slightly larger than fits between his horns.
He pulls the stogie from between his lips and blows a cloud of pale blue smoke towards the camera.

Good Morning Campers!

A lot has happened lately and I’ve got a lot of news to share with you.  I’m very sorry that I can’t be there with you in person, but I’m under house arrest …. um… I mean, self-imposed withdrawal from everyone and everything while I finish these reports for my dragon Queen.

You can hear what sounds like several large old locks being opened and then the sound of a huge dungeon door swinging on very rusty hinges.  Impish looks off camera and reaches for a thick stack of papers that are handed him.  A low, guttural, gravelly voice comes from out of view:

Here be the papers the Green One sent ya.  He be says to check ’em close like, since you’ll be havin’ ta be explainin’ dem to youse queen.  Oh, and he sent ya dis, too.

A VERY large mug of steaming coffee is passed to the dragon.

Thank you Terrance.   This is very kind of you and Lethal, but can you tell me…what’s with the weird accent?

Terrance continues, in a much smoother, more precise speech.

Oh, quite sir.  For the … audience…you know … the ones who are watching on the video.  We trolls do have a certain reputation to uphold.  People expect us to act and sound in a particular manner and it behooves us to reciprocate with their expectations.

Impish stares off camera for an additional second and then mumbles.

Uh huh…well…okay, then.  Carry on then Terrance, carry on.

Terrance replies, again using his Troll voice.

As you wishes, boss.

Shuffling of feet can be heard and the squeal of the door hinges lasts but a second, Impish turns his attention back to the camera, but is interrupted from off camera again.  Terrance in his Troll voice:

Oh, by the way, Impish … or um… boss.  I’ve gots some loverly blueberry biscuits that just be comin’ out of de oven.  Shall I… or … um… ya want sum?

Not right now Terrance, I’ve got all this work to finish, but you might hold me back a dozen or so.  For a little snack later, you understand.

As you wish, sir…or … boss.

As the door begins to close again, you can faintly hear Terrance say: Egads!  That was bloody awful!  The things I do for that fat lizard.

The door slams with a deep rumbling boom.

Now, where was I?

Oh yes, Queen Tiamat… she is going to expect my report by later this afternoon and I must be ready.

He leans toward the camera conspiratorially.

My dear friends and fellow campers.  I must tell you now, that if, for whatever reason, I am not here next week or otherwise <gulp!> detained, I want it to be known that YOU have made it all worthwhile.  These have been the best years of my life and I will remember it always…to my grave.

Now <sniff!>

Well, currently, I have got to finish these reports, so let  me show you a video that I made earlier that describes everything that has happened to me over the last week or so.  I want you to hear MY side of the Dr. Phil debacle.  Here’s a video from the hidden camera:

The screen fades out and you see:

The screen fades and opens on our blue dragon laying against the wall, throwing a tennis ball against the floor, bouncing it off the far wall and catching it again.  Then repeating this over and over again.  After several minutes of this mindlessness, the door below the camera opens and an unidentified man pokes his head in and says, “Mr. Dragon, there’s a doctor here to see you”

Another bloody doctor?  You can’t send me a damn baker in here?  A pastry chef?  Dessert girl pushing a cart?  No.  You send me ANOTHER doctor to poke and prod me and tell me that my addiction is all in my head.  And I keep telling EVERYBODY, it’s not in my head, it’s in my damn STOMACH!!!!

The attendant steps out and a bald man walks in, with a brief case.  He carefully places the briefcase across the room, with the edge facing towards Impish, while speaking, “Good evening, Mr. Dragon.  Impish.  Can I call you Impish?  Good, good, how are you Impish?”

Who are you?  You’re not one of the regular bone breakers in here.  What do you want?  To poke me with some of your instruments there in your brief case? 

Not at all, not at all.  You don’t recognize me?  Not at all?  Well, that’s discouraging, and well, this can be edited out.  Don’t worry about my briefcase, it just contains some of my notes.  That’s right notes.  How are you feeling?  That pie desire eating you up inside, is it?

Dr. Phil, whom you easily recognize on the video moves back over to the brief case and adjusts it slightly so it points more directly on end towards Impish.

Let me just ask you a few questions, shall I?  You seem to have a real problem here, yes sir.  A real problem.

I’ll say I have a problem, my problem is that I don’t like doctors and you don’t even look good enough to eat.  You look old and stringy.  Lethal says I have an addiction to pie.  I guess, well, I guess maybe I do.  I don’t mean to let it control me, but it just does.  Although after eating pie with drugs and being kidnapped by the government, I suppose I should be over it, in fact…

Yes, yes.  Lethal is that Green fellow, is that correct.  Tried to keep me out.  But, I have fans everywhere.  Yes I do.  You sure you don’t recognize me?  Maybe from TV?  Let’s talk about this hallucination of yours that you were kidnapped by government forces.  You do realize now that it was a hallucination now, right?  You know, I think the best …

Impish begins to pace.

It was NOT my imagination, why Lethal had to send (beep) and his (beep) along with Lethal’s (beep) to get me out!  Then I was taken to the (beep) where I…

Dr. Phil gets up, grabs the brief case and attempts to keep the edge pointed towards Impish as he paces back and forth.

My, my.  You certainly seem to have a vivid imagination.  I know.  I know.  Why don’t you sit down and hold still and we can sing a song together.

I don’t want to sing a damn song…

Now, sing with me.  Pie is bad.  Pie is bad.  The government men are all very good…

What the hell is wrong with you?  That’s it, baldy, old and stringy or not, you’re dragon food.

Impish lunges at Dr. Phil who tries to fend him off with his briefcase.  Just as he manages to get the doctor’s bald head in his mouth, the door bursts open and two attendants rush in.  They rush to the doctor’s aid, pushing Impish away.  Our blue dragon spits and hacks, looking like he’s going to throw up.

Oh my gawd.  You taste as bad as a movie star!

Then he spots the open door and quickly slips out while the attendants are helping Dr. Phil.

The scene switches to an outside view, where you see the blue dragon waddling down the street.  He looks behind him and sees the attendants pursuing him.  We watch as he looks around…

Ah, a sports car!  They’ll never catch me.

The scene switches again to the view from the camera mounted on the front of a vehicle, we watch as Impish Dragon, who barely fits in his “sports car” is suddenly surrounded by smoke from above and then shortly loses control and crashes into a fence.

The last thing we see, is Impish being led away by the attendants.

The screen fades and we hear Impish’s voice over the darkened screen:

So you see, my friends.  None of this was my fault.  Now, I’ll leave you to get back to today’s issue…

Here’s a cool one, worth clicking on.  Thanks to Ginny for sending this one in.

This one is so great!  Funny as can be!

Thanks to Paul for this one.  It’s well worth reading and heeding:

A mouse looked through a crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife opening a package; what food might it contain?

He was aghast to discover that it was a mousetrap!

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning, “There is a mouse trap in the house, there is a mouse trap in the house.”

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, “Mr. Mouse, I can tell you this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me; I cannot be bothered by it.”

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, “There is a mouse trap in the house.”

“I am so very sorry Mr. Mouse,” sympathized the pig, “but there is nothing I can do about it but pray; be assured that you are in my prayers.”

The mouse turned to the cow, who replied, “Like wow, Mr. Mouse, a mouse trap; am I in grave danger, Duh?”

So the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected to face the farmer’s mousetrap alone. That very night a sound was heard throughout the house, like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey. The farmer’s wife rushed to see what was caught.

In the darkness, she did not see that it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer’s wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital.

She returned home with a fever. Now everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup’s main ingredient.

His wife’s sickness continued so that friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.

The farmer’s wife did not get well, in fact, she died, and so many people came for her funeral the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide meat for all of them to eat.

So the next time you hear that someone is facing a problem and think that it does not concern you, remember that when the least of us is threatened, we are all at risk.

Another one of our teachers.  What does she teach?  You’re not going to believe it… Algebra.  She has a PhD in molecular physics, but loves teaching kids math.  Who knew.

Rules of a new Golf Club:-

1. Ladies are prohibited from touching gentlemen’s balls, either with hands or clubs.

2. All holes must be kept clean.

3. Gentlemen making a hole-in-one, must change lady partners in the second round.

4. Ladies are requested to remain quiet while gentlemen are taking short strokes.

5. Partners are requested to tee off together at each tee.

6. When the lady partner goes off first, the gentleman must not delay the stroke but continue to play.

7. In cases where the lay is impossible, ladies have the privilege of choosing a new position.

8. When the gentleman finds this impossible, he may choose a new lay starting at least a ball’s length from the hole.

9. Players are requested to refrain from playing any holes under repair or with red flag in white background.

10. While the management strives to improve the course in every way, they cannot be held responsible for the loss or damage of balls in the brush or around the holes.

Ginny sends this next one with her apology; in fact, her exact words are: “Sorry for this Post.”

Okay, I understand exactly what she means….and quite frankly, I’m really sorry for the post as well.

Those clever nuns.

And speaking of the bitch Pelosi, I just read this today, from Jim Treacher, Blogger on the dailycaller.com :

Nancy Pelosi: Congress Is Living Paycheck To Paycheck

So you think you’ve got it bad? Try being in Congress. Those poor bastards are practically homeless.

You may not know, or care, that the deadline for continued funding of the Department of Homeland Security is tomorrow. But if something isn’t done immediately, if those miserable Republicans don’t stop being evil, small children and wheelchair-bound grandmothers at airports will be forced to humiliate themselves.

Nancy Pelosi to the rescue:

Hell, Pelosi is so down on her luck these days, she had to burn the Constitution just to keep warm. Also, because she hates it.

Wait… Didn’t Obama just get done saying we shouldn’t enforce our borders? America is all about immigration, after all, whether it’s legal or not. He’s telling ICE not to do their jobs, and Pelosi is trying to shame us into paying them anyway.

Guess that’s because they’re so much smarter than us! Never mind.

Not being able to live without our paycheck?  It wasn’t that long ago that you furloughed my ass and asked … no TOLD me to do just that.  And you want us to feel sorry for congress?  Who make at least double what the average American makes?  NONE of this would even be happening if your boss, didn’t decide to change the laws, disobey the constitution and make his own rules!

Kiss my ass you stupid witch!

Classes for Men Now Available

Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each. Sign up early and get a discount on registration.

1. HOW TO FILL ICE-CUBE TRAYS. Step by step with slide presentation.

2. TOILET PAPER: DOES IT GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Roundtable discussion.

3. DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY BASKET AND THE FLOOR. Practicing with hamper. Pictures and graphics.

4. THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: DO THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES? Debate among panel of experts.

5. LOSS OF VIRILITY: LOSING THE REMOTE CONTROL TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. Help line and support groups.

6. LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING. Open forum.

7. HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH. PowerPoint presentation.

8. REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST. Real-life testimonial from the one man who did.

9. IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? Driving simulation.

10. LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE. Online class and role-playing.

11. HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

12. REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE. Bring your calendar or PDA to class.

13. GETTING OVER IT: LEARNING TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME. Individual

As a jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

“Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth 50,000 years ago at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep.”

The blonde lady sitting next to me exclaimed: “Wow, look! It just missed the highway!”

As you finish up the issue and begin to gather your things and stand up, the screen lights up one more time and you see Impish back again behind the laptop.  Now, he’s gathering his papers together and putting them in a briefcase.

Hi campers.  Just a couple more things to round out today’s issue.  I’m now on my way to see Queen Tiamat.  For those of you who don’t know, she is the ruling queen of dragonkind and has been so for as long as any of us can remember.  Dragons live a VERY long time. 

I must report to her about my ability to continue to act as the Draconian Ambassador to human and mythical kind.  Seems she is concerned about the latest fiasco with me being kidnapped and held hostage at … well … an undisclosed location, where the government A.S.S.H.A.T.s tried to get information out of me about a certain mythical personage and this persons logistical superiority.  Anyway, I certainly don’t expect to come out of this smelling like a rose, but I do hope to come out of it in one piece.  Maintaining my ambassadorship would be a huge plus and what I am truly hoping for. 

I  would expect that you might hear something on Wednesday from Lethal’s post, if not sooner.

But, on another note.  There has been real world tragedy in my family.  Last weekend, my brother-in-law was on his way to work in the snow when his truck broke down.  Since he was only about a quarter mile from home, he decided to walk home to get help.

While he was walking on the side of the road, he was struck by a car and ended up in ICU at the local hospital.  Sadly, we don’t know too many of the actual details of the accident because the last thing he remembers was walking away from his truck and then waking up in the hospital.

He has 7 broken ribs, broken bones in his back and neck (not threatening his spinal cord, thank God), a punctured lung and bleeding and swelling on his brain.  As of this writing he is out of danger, but will suffer many months of recovery.  He will also have to hire a lawyer to recover any recompense from the accident as the local sheriff’s department is being less than helpful. 

For help with lost wages, medical bills, legal fees, etc., His niece has set up a fund site for donations.  I’m not asking any of you to give anything, I know it’s tight for everybody and it seems like every time we turn around there’s another worthy cause we can give to, but I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t at least put it out there for any of you who might have a dollar or so to put towards it.  You know as well as I that every little bit helps.

Here’s the link for any of you who might be interested: http://www.gofundme.com/mxe7ko 

And with that, I’m off to face the Queen.

Cheers my friends,

Until we meet again.

As you arrive things seem pretty normal, which is abnormal in itself around here of late. Despite the blustery frigidness of the outside its warm and inviting in here. True to his word the non patrons section has hot water for instant coffee, hot chocolate or oatmeal  to warm you. The patrons mean while;e appear to be enjoying a repast of hot backed good, coffee and what appear to be pre-warmed fleece lap blankets are being offered. It seems that every Patron who accepts a pre-warmed fleece also gets a complimentary Ninja lap cat, several who expertly burrow under the blankets after claiming their just due in petting and praise

The only thing appearing out of place you see is Diaman who appears to be attempting to warm her back side near a stove while staring longingly at the blankets.

Not only is she on stage at the podium with Lethal, she is dressed in a very tight white raw silk t-shirt that pretty much informs you that is all she is wearing on top. It is tucked into the top of a wide black belted mini skirt length kilt short enough that the fact she is wearing a g-string with it is frequently evident from the rear. Thigh high white nylons with lace tops and some black 3” square heeled Mary Janes complete the outfit.

In the patrons section Ginny seems to be slightly jealous and Paul Bader seems to be constantly tripping over his tongue much to Ginny’s annoyance. This to say nothing of the maintenance guy with the bucket and mop chasing him around to wipe up the drool.

Once your seated Lethal dives right in

OK folks set yer gobs ta simmer now will ya kindly?

As you know there was an…incident Saturday with Impish and a psychologist (the aftermath of which we’ll get into in great detail in a bit) which resulted in an enraged Impish exploding,  attempting to eat said psychologist, and temporarily making good on an escape attempt. We are now prepared to identify the trespassing/interloping psychologist as Dr. Phil.

Exactly how this bleeding heart liberal managed to gain access to the mountain much less the secure area where Impish is being held is still under investigation. Several individuals of interest are being put to the question that is questioned, but we have no clear answers as yet.

Impish managed to escape briefly only to be thwarted in fleeing the area aerially by a squadron of Knock Out & Paralysis gas spewing fighter jets.

Being denied an escape route via air ,Impish was forced to waddle away flee slowly on foot, now slightly drowsy and uncoordinated due a whiff of the gasses from the jets, until he managed to find transportation he could hijack by over powering its occupant.

This resulted in a slow speed chase which caused some to flash back to visions of a White Ford Bronco. Unfortunately for Impish his flight from rehab was cut short a brief time later when  a Mall Cop on a Segway who had joined the low speed chase executed a bump maneuver by kicking the rear end of Impish’s escape vehicle several times causing him to crash his stolen transportation:

Thankfully no one was injured and the damage to the vehicle has been made good via its replacement with a battery operated electric Hummer.

Impish was back in his cell in just under 2 hours from his initial attack on Dr. Phil whom I am informed by the Bideawee Sanitarium, is making excellent progress in the recovery of both his composure as well as control of his bowels. Once they complete a course of  liquefied liberal bullshit infusion via IV and re-inflate his ego with hot air he should be good to go.

At this point it was quite obvious to me that the intervention was not going as well or as swiftly as planned. I had neglected to factor into the plan that not only are Dragons thick headedly stubborn by nature, but being exceptionally long lived tend towards taking a long view of situations often winning out over an adversary simply by biding their time and waiting for an opportune moment as clearly demonstrated by his escape.

After some personal reflection upon the issue,  review of our partnership documents, corporate financial statements and discussions with the Ninja Cats about removal and disposal of large bodies, I decided that the only way this was going to works was if Impish was well and truth motivated. I needed to place a figurative gun to his head and make him chose between keeping his brains between his ears or his pies. This meant playing serious hardball on a level I was loathe to resort to, but felt I had no choice remaining other than to use, if I wanted to help Impish recover and return to a normal (a relative term in regards to him to be sure) life.

To that end, I sent off a message and received the exact reply I had expected, abet with far less of a time table than I had planned for.  I immediately went to see Impish in his confinement, something I had not done since his attempt to flame broil me and turn my bodily organs into a Dragon savory pie filling more than a week ago.

The following is a transcription of that conversation. My side of it is in green and Impish appears in his normal blue font

Lethal: Dude seriously? You were stupid enough to listen to Dr Phil? Not being able to stomach him I can understand I mean he’s like concentrated condensed mamby-pamby touchy feelie liberal bullshit. I don’t think anything can survive by eating that except maybe other liberals

Impish: Moan!  What?

Hose drawing from bottom of snow run off pond now frozen over hits Impish @ 200 psi for 30 sec from hatch in door

Lethal: Don’t give me that delirium bullshit or the next hose you see will be connected to a concrete pump truck I swear ta bloody St Patrick! I’m mentally tougher and meaner than the guy in Poe’s tale of the Still Beating Heart.

Impish: Aaaaaaaaggggghhhhhhh WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT???????!!!!!!

Lethal: You .

Tried.

To.

Eat.

Doctor.

Phil.

Some moron let him in to help you because fuck for brains thought he could make TV mileage out of secretly filming it.

Made you compose and sing some fucked up pie song…badly too.

Impish: What? When?  How?

> MORE HOSE<

Impish: Aaaaaaaaggggghhhh Damn that’s cold! That asshole was Dr.  Phil?

Lethal: Don’t give me that reality break shit! You were with it enough to try and parley it into an escape! Yes that asshole was Dr. Phil in the balding flab- who else would think song singing about your problem would actually fix you? Sure as hell would have made for some seriously Hasselhoff melt down like TV footage though!

Impish: Dude. I’m telling you, as your friend,

#1 I had no idea that little monkey was Dr. Phil and

#2 if you hose me down again I’ll be looking for Leprechaun pie next.

Lethal: Addicts have NO friends. As for the hosing, you needed both a shower & wake up call because shit just got sodden well serious. I couldn’t delay any longer- I had to file report w/ Draconian Court over abduction this morning.

Impish: If that’s what you think why are you helping me?

Lethal: Oh we WERE friends right up until you fell through the flaky crust into pie filled addiction. We might well be again if you’d unscrew your skull from your sphincter and get clean. 

As I was saying, as a result of my report to the Draconian Court, you’re being called home for consultation and a physical/metal fitness assessment. Queen T wants to make sure you’re still trustworthy enough for  government secrets. She (and I) need to be sure that you haven’t gone GITMO GONZO for Obama and the Liberals. How do you think an Ambassador w/ an easily accessed pressure point of addiction going to fly w/ Queen T much less around here as a walking talking security breach?

Impish: Oh geez!

(Puts head in hands and mumbles from under arms)

Impish: Can you hit me again with that hose?

Lethal: With bleeding pleasure!

>45 seconds of glacially cold water< There is a sliding sound  and when water stops 5 gal coffee thermos and 25# ham, cheese & egg sandwich are waiting.

Lethal: You ask for pie next and so help me that concrete hose is just 30 feet away. I’ll have a brass plaque in the shape of a pie with your name and the epitaph “He chose pie over living” stuck on the sealed tomb.

Impish: Nope. No pie. Thanks for the coffee and sandwiches.

Lethal: You have to present yourself with a complete report not later than 10 days hence.

Impish: Ten days huh?  Ok. I’ll need a lot more coffee.

Lethal: The report is to include a detailed accounting of the manner of your abduction. I have, as Leprechaunian Ambassador, flatly refused to reveal details of how you were rescued citing security concerns by our protection detail.

Impish: Makes sense.

Lethal: Unless that is you’d LIKE it known SANTA and a bunch of PUSSIES pulled your fat ass out of the fire. Personally my money is on you being sedated and in whatever passes in Draconia for a straight jacket by the time you mention the candy cane pattern enhancers for teleportation and flying reindeer with gun pods on their bellies. Also the reason[s] US government agreed to back off are by legal agreement  between all concerned parties confidential , so you can’t mention the whole ultimatum delivery deal.

So you can see how much focus the abduction will get. I’d spend some time on the shell game we played hiding you in plain sight too, since I’m sure word of that became common knowledge back home the second your stand ins returned.

Impish: I understand. Brb  (goes to corner and retches in a barrel)

Lethal: Coffee will be available upon request as will food. NO PIE or baked goods for now. As long as you are calm behaved and rational none of it will be drugged.

Impish: Understood. Can you get me a computer or word processor in here?

Lethal: You going to smash another laptop against the wall when you get refused pie if you get one to start spinning your fantasy?

Impish: No. I gotta work out the details of my abduction that will cover our ass and satisfy Queen T

Lethal: OUR asses? What’s this WE bullshit you Limey bastard? YOU let FEDs from A.S.S. in here. YOU ate untested pies.

Impish: You don’t want the ninja cats or SANTA involved so yes, our.

Lethal: Hey I already told her that section was redacted to the point of omission. Personally IDC if it gets out as its YOUR reputation & dignity, what little of it that exists, that’s on the line. Of course now I can’t speak for the cats or Santa, they might have a complaint about their reputations being dragged down by association with yours. That undoubtedly would result in a visit from Brutus so I would say it is YOU that doesn’t want their involvement publicized from where I sit.

Impish: Ok. I get it. I’m on my own

Lethal:What?! You think your addiction caused problems with your people should be MY problem, or Santa’s or the Ninja cats ?! SERIOUSLY?! WHERE’S THAT DAMNED HOSE! He’s still delirious!

Impish: Did I say that?

Lethal: Sounded like that’s what your whine meant, you expected me to voluntarily jump in the pool full of gators with you, to help shoulder responsibility for your personal choices. OH HELLS NO! I try helping you with an intervention and I almost got flamed and threatened twice now (and there better not bloody well be a third time) with being made pie filling! Friendship and intervention help does have its bloody limits!

Impish: Not at all. I got this.

Lethal: Too bloody right you do! Now…shall I send for pies?

Impish: No. More coffee- and some hot sausage sandwiches please?

Lethal: Ok I’ll get right on that, with you not eating half the kitchen staff has been screwing off anyhow. Mean time a Laptop should be here in about 5 minutes…sans Internet access- can’t have you distracted trying to order pies.

Impish: Agreed. It’s still… Difficult

Lethal: Oh almost forgot- she wants your personal income tax filing for the year as well as all the financials for ambassadorship for audit

Impish:  (groaning) Of course she does.

Lethal: Actually those were asked for in her name by The Exquencher of the Holy Hoard

Impish: Hmm. Your my lawyer, isn’t there a loophole there someplace?  Like I only answer to her?

Lethal: His review of the accounts vs. your answers and she judges. If you’re feeling particularly lucky you could wing it, but I’d say you’ve got better odds of getting the Beatles back together given they way your luck has been running recently. Need I mention the Play Offs and Super Bowl by way of illustration?

Impish: (sighing and shuddering) I see. No please don’t I’d like to forget that.

Lethal: Are The ambassadorial books and your personal taxes in need of my creative accounting expertise? I will assist w/ those PROVIDED the irregularity issues are not addiction related

Impish: That would be great. Thank you.

Lethal: Happy to be of billable service. I’ll get your food request to the kitchen immediately and get started right away on those financials. Mean time I’ll have Terrance set up a temporary office out here in the hall so he can assist you. Undoubtedly you’ll want to dictate more of your memoirs?

Impish: Uhh…yeah that would be great. Thank you.

Further developments will no doubt forth coming from one or the other of us as the occur. For now… [you hear Lethal murmur something to Diaman about Wednesdays being poultry day and suddenly she jumps forward slightly, squeals, then blushes as she swats indignantly at a chuckling Lethal and mouths ‘I said later for that- not here! then moves towards the podium]…my guest helper will intone the sacred words of remembrance to get this issue rolling, and IF she knows what will be good for her later on they won’t be “Live from New York it’s Saturday Night!”

Diaman takes a deep breath made all that much more impressive by the clinginess of the tight  t-shirt and says-

I hear there are more than a few of these in Connecticut and New Jersey too

Here- these should help Diaman!

I feel ya dude! I usually have to put my phone down and pinky type to avoid typos in serious text messages or use the dictate function. I even went as far as buying a roll up Bluetooth keyboard for my tablet.

OUCH! Sorry Impish! Who knew Diaman could drive a bus?

Thanks for the video and this next feature too goes to my special guest helper Diaman (now sporting an ankle length fur coat with the fur turned inside and a naughty smile of pleasure)

Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:

1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor,
You may be a Muslim.
2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes,
You may be a Muslim.
3. If you have more wives than teeth,
You may be a Muslim.
4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean,
You may be a Muslim.
5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim.
6. If you can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared jihad against,
You may be a Muslim.
7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing,
You may be a Muslim.
8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs,
You may be a Muslim.
9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four,
You may be a Muslim.
10. If you find this offensive and don’t forward it,
You may be a Muslim.

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”
The older doctor says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit.  Cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”
As they left, the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman? How did you come to the diagnosis so quickly?”
You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? Well, when I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick.”
The younger doctor said, “Pretty clever! If you don’t mind, I think I’ll try that at the next house.”
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.  She said that she just didn’t have the energy she once did and said, “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”
“You’ve probably been doing too much for the Church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”
As they left, the older doctor said, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she’s very active in the church but how did you arrive at it?”
“I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed.

Put a stop to pesky robocalls

Author: Amy Davis, KPRC Investigative Reporter/Consumer Expert

HOUSTON – Federal laws ban companies from using autodialers to call your cellphone, they’re called robocalls, but scammers still do it.

Consumers Union, an arm of Consumer Reports, wants phone companies to give people free tools to block those annoying calls.

They said technology already exists to identify telemarketers as they’re calling you. You could then see on the display that it is an unsolicited call, and you could choose to block or ignore it. Phone companies in other countries have similar practices for their customers but companies in the U.S. say they can’t.

[What they really mean is they won’t because it will cost them money to deploy and money again in the robocalls they lose out on as a result of deploying the tech as well as charging you for the wasted cell minutes!]

If you like the idea, you can sign this online petition.

https://consumersunion.org/end-robocalls/

There are currently more than 93,000 signatures. Consumers Union will send the petition to the FCC to try and get it to make phone companies put an end to robocalls on your cellphone.

Dang! Not only can Diaman drive a bus but she can back one up pretty good too!

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat 
and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman 
sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started 
talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart.
It's Sue. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, 
but I had a long meeting".

"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. 
It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned 
over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone 
and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

Pantry-Raid Recipes

No you dirty minded sex fiends! Not PANTY…PANTRY– as in the place you store your staple food stuffs! Sheesh!

No time to run to the store? These flavor-packed dishes are made using only nonperishable pantry ingredients.

Applesauce Waffles

These Belgian-style waffles are crispy on the outside, but the applesauce keeps them moist and almost muffin-like on the inside. Even better, you can make them when you are out of milk and eggs.

Total Time: 25 min
Prep: 5 min
Inactive: 5 min
Cook: 15 min
Yield: 8 waffles
Level: Easy

Ingredients

2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
3/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
1 1/2 cups evaporated milk
1/2 cup applesauce
1/3 cup brown sugar
3 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 teaspoon vanilla
Powdered sugar, ground cinnamon and maple syrup, for serving

Directions

Special equipment: a Belgian waffle iron
Preheat the waffle iron. Preheat the oven to 200 degrees F if you plan on holding the cooked waffles in the oven. Whisk the flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt together in a medium bowl.
Whisk the evaporated milk, applesauce, brown sugar, oil, vanilla and 3/4 cup water in a large bowl.
Fold the dry ingredients into the wet, and stir until combined. (Don’t mix too much-some lumps are OK-just make sure the flour is coated.) Allow the batter to rest at room temperature for 5 minutes before baking.
Ladle enough batter into the waffle iron to fill it to the edges, and cook until crispy and brown, 6 to 7 minutes. (You can tell the waffles are ready when very little steam comes out of the waffle iron.) Continue in batches until all the batter is used. Keep the cooked waffles warm in the oven or covered with foil on a plate while you make the remaining waffles. Sprinkle with powdered sugar and cinnamon, and serve with maple syrup.

You know the whole chicken on a waffle deal? I’m considering trying these waffles with pork on top!

I’m going to give Ginny’s knees a break and not even talk about the desert possibilities of these waffles.

Quick and Easy Minestrone

Soy sauce is great for more than just Asian-inspired dishes. In this hearty pantry-based soup it adds instant depth and the savory flavor called umami, which is associated with foods like Parmesan cheese and mushrooms.

Total Time: 25 min
Prep: 5 min | Cook: 20 min
Yield: 4 servings
Level: Easy

Ingredients

1 tablespoon olive oil, plus more for serving
One 8-ounce can corn kernels, strained
2 tablespoons tomato paste
1/2 teaspoon dried rosemary, chopped
1/4 teaspoon dried oregano
1 quart chicken broth
One 14-ounce can diced tomatoes
3/4 cup small-cut pasta, like small shells
One 14-ounce can white beans, strained, reserving half the liquid
1 teaspoon soy sauce
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
One 14-ounce can cut green beans, strained

Directions

Heat the oil in a medium soup pot over medium-high heat. Add the corn and cook until it starts to brown slightly, about 3 minutes. Add the tomato paste, rosemary and oregano and cook, stirring constantly, until the tomato paste begins to darken in color, about 1 minute. Slowly whisk in the chicken broth until the paste is smooth and then incorporated into the liquid. Add the whole can of diced tomatoes (including the liquid), and bring the mixture to a boil. Stir in the pasta, the white beans and reserved liquid and the soy sauce. Season with salt and pepper. Cook the pasta until al dente, 7 to 8 minutes, stirring in the green beans during the last 2 minutes. Serve in individual bowls with a little oil drizzled on top.

Don’t forget a little fresh grated Parmesan cheese and a hot garlic buttered bread stick!

S’mores Bark

We’ve combined all the elements of a s’more into this delicious bark. It’s got crunch from the graham crackers, richness from the chocolate and fire-roasted flavor from broiling the marshmallows-easier than toasting them over a campfire (though admittedly not as much fun)

Total Time: 1 hr. 20 min
Prep: 5 min  | Inactive: 1 hr. 10 min | Cook: 5 min
Yield: about 1 pound of bark
Level: Easy

Ingredients

2 cups mini marshmallows
1 pound dark chocolate bars, chopped
6 graham crackers, broken roughly into 1/2-inch pieces

Directions

Line a baking sheet with parchment. Heat the chocolate in a medium microwave-safe bowl in the microwave at 75 percent power until soft, about 2 minutes. Stir the chocolate and microwave again until melted, up to 2 minutes more. (Alternatively, put the chocolate in a heatproof bowl. Bring a saucepan filled with an inch or so of water to a very slow simmer; set the bowl over, but not touching, the water, and stir occasionally until melted and smooth.)
Position the oven rack 3 inches below the heating element of the broiler and preheat the oven to broil. Place the marshmallows on a rimmed baking sheet so they are not overlapping, and broil until the tops just begin to toast, about 10 seconds, turning the pan for even browning. (Alternatively, you can use a kitchen torch to char the marshmallows.) Allow to cool at room temperature for 10 minutes.
Fold half the marshmallows and graham crackers into the chocolate, and stir to coat. (Some of the marshmallows may melt, but that’s OK.) Pour the chocolate onto the prepared baking sheet, and spread evenly with an offset spatula into an 8 1/2-by-11 inch rectangle. Poke the rest of the marshmallows and the graham cracker pieces into the chocolate in a random yet attractive pattern. (This part may be messy, but stretching the marshmallows into the bark will look cool.) Lightly press down the toppings. Allow the bark to set in the refrigerator for 1 hour. Break into pieces to serve.

[warning] Propane gas torches are highly flammable and should be kept away from heat, open flame, and prolonged exposure to sunlight. They should only be used in well-ventilated areas. When lighting a propane gas torch, place the torch on a flat, steady surface, facing away from you. Light the match or lighter and then open the gas valve. Light the gas jet, and blow out the match. Always turn off the burner valve to “finger tight” when finished using the torch. Children [and Dragons] should never use a propane gas torch without adult supervision.

Ok I can help with that! Here is a tip for painless weight loss!

There was a young lady named Constance
From boys she wouldn’t stand any nonsense.
If her partners grew deft She would lead with her left;
The results wouldn’t weigh on her conscience.

There once was an old man of Lyme
Who married three wives at a time. When asked,
Why a third?
He replied, One’s absurd! And bigamy, Sir, is a crime.

My sweetheart and I just wed.
Already I wish I were dead.
Two weeks she’s been spending.
It was time never ending.
We are thousands of pounds in the red.

Said the vicar to old Bishop Price,
My wife’s just had twins, ain’t that nice?
But the Bishop said, Father, in the future I’d rather, you abstained, or were not naughty twice.

Speaking of Diaman, here is a guest mini rant courtesy of her. Let me help you up on that soapbox Diaman WHOOPS! Excuse where those fingers accidentally wound up!

I bought a bird feeder.  I hung it  on my back porch and filled it with seed. What a beauty of  a bird feeder it was, as I filled it lovingly with seed.

Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.

But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.

Then came the shit. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table … everywhere!

Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.

And others birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn’t even sit on my own back porch anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down
the many nests they had built all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like it used to be ….. quiet, serene…. and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now let’s see……

Our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care and free education, and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.

Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen
by an emergency room doctor; Your child’s second grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn’t speak English.

Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to ‘press one ‘ to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than ”ours” are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe it’s time for the government to take down the bird feeder.

If you agree, pass it on; if not, just continue cleaning up the shit!

Well that was so good I think we should let her continue! Besides, Impish gives Ginny a lot of ‘air time’ so its only fair. Encore! Encore!

Rattlesnake Logic in dealing with terrorists …

After the Boston bombing the news media spent days and weeks trying to determine why these men did what they did.  They want to know what America did to make these brothers so angry with us.  They want to know why these men were not arrested before they did something so terrible.  The media is in a tizzy about this new era of homegrown radicals and about why and how they can live among us and still hate us.

A Texan explained it:
Here in west Texas, I have rattlesnakes on my place, living among us.  I have killed a rattlesnake on the front porch.  I have killed a rattlesnake on the back porch.  I have killed rattlesnakes in the barn, in the shop and on the driveway.  In fact, I kill every
rattlesnake I encounter.

I kill rattlesnakes because I know a rattlesnake will bite me and inject me with poison.  I don’t stop to wonder WHY a rattlesnake will bite me; I know it WILL bite me because it’s a rattlesnake and that’s what rattlesnakes do.  I don’t try to reason with a rattlesnake or have a “meaningful dialogue” with it.  I just kill it.  I don’t try to get to know the rattlesnake better so I can find a way to live with the rattlesnakes and convince them not to bite me.  I just kill them.

I don’t quiz a rattlesnake to see if I can find out where the other snakes are, because

(a) it won’t tell me and

(b) I already know they live on my place.  So, I just kill the rattlesnake and move on to the next one.

I don’t look for ways I might be able to change the rattlesnake to a non-poisonous rat snake… I just kill it.  Oh, and on occasion, I accidentally kill a rat snake because I thought it was a rattlesnake at the time.  Also, I know for every rattlesnake I kill, two more are
lurking out there in the brush.  In my lifetime I will never be able to rid my place of rattlesnakes.

Do I fear them?  Not really.  Do I respect what they can do to me and my family?  Yes!  And because of that respect, I give them the fair justice they deserve… I kill them.  As a country, we should start giving more thought to the fact that these jihadists’ are telling the
world their goal is to kill Americans and destroy our way of life. They have posted graphic videos on the internet showing them beheading Americans.  They are serious.  They are exactly like rattlesnakes.  It is high time for us to start acting accordingly!

I love this country.  It’s the damn government I’m afraid of!  Why?  Look who’s new in the White House!

· Arif Alikhan, Assistant Secretary for Policy Development for the U.S. Department of Homeland Security

· Mohammed Elibiary, Homeland Security Adviser

· Rashad Hussain, Special Envoy to the Organization of the Islamic Conference (OIC)

· Imam Mohamed Magid, Obama’s Sharia Czar from the Islamic Society of North America

· Eboo Patel, Advisory Council on Faith-Based Neighborhood Partnerships

This is flat-out scary!  The foxes are now officially living in the hen house…  Now ask me why I am very concerned! Do you feel OK with this?  How can this happen? – and when will we wake up?

We are quiet while our country is being drastically changed!

IF YOU ARE NOT CONCERNED, JUST DELETE THIS AND CONTINUE TO KEEP YOUR HEAD STUCK IN (YOUR)  A HOLE.

Otherwise, pass it on – please!

Here let me help you down off the soapbox Diaman. Whoops! Sorry again about the hand! Is that a thong or a G-string you’re wearing?

I’m just going to borrow my soapbox for a few follow on thoughts if you don’t mind.

As long as we insist on maintaining the “moral high ground”, we will NEVER win the war on terrorism!  We’re in a conflict which we absolutely INSIST in playing by the rules – against a maniacal group who have NO rules!

Richard Grenier in a column in the Washington Times newspaper written in 1993 said: “As George Orwell pointed out, people sleep peacefully in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.”

As formerly (and proudly) one of rough men, I can tell you the reason you are not sleeping peacefully in your beds at night is because the liberals and Islamophiles in our Government are tying our hands by refusing with their indignant moral outrage to allow us to take the War on Terrorism to our enemies on and in terms they can readily comprehend. In other words by inoculating them with a dose of their own medicine. Nothing hurts a cause greater or demoralizes its supporters more than to be hoisted on their own petard and losing to someone playing their game by their rules.

These people have made a careful study of your beliefs, political-social values, global economic priorities and our marked preference for appeasing rather than using the big stick lest the last remaining superpower be labeled a bully. They use all of this and our instinctive need to be the worlds policeman and sanctuary for any and everyone seeking something they cannot find in their country against us.

Respect is mutual, a two way street. They do not respect us our values or our beliefs but require that we be accommodating and overly respectful of theirs. This not only includes the fundamentalist terrorists of Al Quida and ISIS but every Arab Nation and Arab who by insisting we kiss their Islamic way of life asses in their presence are defacto accomplices in aiding and abetting the terrorist.

If Islam was truly ‘the religion of peace’ then no fundamentalist Muslim would stand for the actions of the terrorists by refusing to grant them aid, resources or sanctuary of any sort. Yet they do because it is profitable for them. We pour money down a dry well in an attempt to get these people and countries to aid us in the war on Islamic Terrorism.

Show me anybody getting free money despite not doing what they are supposed to with/for it that wants the money to dry up! It’s time we turned off the money tap and let the incentive to do the right thing be the ability to sleep peacefully at night and not having to worry about a sky full of America the last  Superpower’s Rough Men bombing you permanently back into the century your beloved religion is mired in!

Well that  goes a long way to explaining the success of Liberal’s Bullshit and logic now don’t it?

Oh shit! OK that’s officially bad!

275,000 Dominoes – Enjoy Your Life (Guinness World Record – Most dominoes toppled in a spiral)

Would you believe this about our favorite beverage of summer? 

Shocking! This is alarming & scary stuff!

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that’s right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:- 

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense. 
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn’t drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!!

The doorbell is going digital and it’s getting smarter.

The Wall Street Journal’s tech writer recently gave these gadgets a thumbs up.

The Ring and the Skybell video doorbells let you see and hear who is at your door. When someone rings the bell, the devices send an alert to your cellphone and show you real-time video of the person at your door.

You can also talk to the visitor through your phone, as in “I’ll be right there” or “We don’t want any”.

Both devices run about $200 and The Wall Street Journal says installation is fairly easy.

More info on these products:  http://www.skybell.com/  or  http://ring.com/

When we last left our zero err hero(?) he had become frustrated with his in ability to concentrate on counting his hoard of gold and decided to express his frustration by taking them out on the only person giving him good advice, his friend cat. We rejoin him after an uneventful night.

Tasted cat again this morning. Same result as last two time. Couldn’t ated something that tastes like friend. Off to find Baron now. Cat says they’re like knights, but with more marbling. Have high hopes.

Found Baron hiding in castle smokehouse and ated him. Now know Cat was right, Baron good. Also now know bacon better! Bacon!

Bacon! Bacon! Bacon! Cat said: Bacon, baron, tomayto, tomahto. I replied: Screw the tomatoes and the lettuce! Bacon! Bacon! Bacon!

Stoking up my tummy with shiny black rocks and mesquite chips for experiment in smoking fresh caught barons. Hard not to ated them now!

Minuses: Owe cat apology-fishes for near perforation. Ambushed by sheriff and troop of archers today. Pluses: Tasty tasty archers.

Saw horse with horn on face, tried to ated it. Now covered in sticky rainbow and cat laughing at me. Stupid cat. Stupid pointy-face horse.

Saw pointy-face horse again. Cat suggested hunt to learn habit first, ated later. Followed to beauty shop. Took next chair. Now have pink claws, argh! Pink. Claws. !?! Stupid beauty shop. Stupid pointy face horse. Stupid cat.

Had to burn nail-polish off with fire-breath. Ignoring pointy-face horse in future, no matter how very very tasty it looks. Really!

Coldwetmiserable out. Wanted to sleep in but too hungry. Tasted cat again. Still tastes like friend. Also just not enough there to bother ateding. Agreed to go get fishes. Wet anyway plus felt guilty.

Saw pointy-face horse again. Still looked delicious, but I promised cat. Found knight instead. Ated him, but only for horse. Do I have a problem?

Bumped into pointy-face horse while casually lurking in forest near beauty shop. Did not ated for cat’s sake. Also, pointy-face horse is fast!

Couldn’t figure out why I can’t stop thinking about ateding pointy-face horse till cat said unicorn sparkly. Sparkly! Sparkly! Sparkly! Then cat sighed.

Sparkly! Sparkly! Sparkly! Want sparkly! Sparkly gold! Sparkly gems! Sparkly jewelry! Less sure about sparkly pointy-face.

Was going to hunt sparklys but rolled on back to scratch wings and cat curled up on chest and started purring. Can’t move now. Cat sleeping. Shhh.

Ated merchant and took his sparklys. Ated his horses too. All white like pointy-face. Pretty things. If only they had horns…

and thanks to my magically delicious & fantastically horizontally naughty special guest contributor Diaman!

Up on stage, at the appropriate time, the lights dim and the video screen lights up.  As the sound comes up, you can hear an unusual sound that you can’t place.

Thump – Thump – Foomp!
Thump – Thump – Foomp!
Thump – Thump – Foomp!

As the screen lightens up, you see your friendly blue dragon pal, sitting on the floor of a concrete room, throwing a base ball against the wall, bouncing it against the floor first and catching it in a base ball glove.

Thump – Thump – Foomp!
Thump – Thump – Foomp!
Thump – Thump – Foomp!

As the base ball thumps against the wall, the dragon starts to sing in a very low voice,

“Nobody knows, the trouble I’ve seen,
Nobody knows, but my pies.
Nobody knows, the hunger I’ve seen,
And apple is still my favorite.”

He sits in the dark and grimy room, throwing the ball and singing his sad song….as the lights go down on the video, the sound of the thumping fades away. 

You sit in the darkened room, wondering what it all means, wondering if Impish will ever really be back to you or whether this horrible addiction will be the end of him and the end of….

While the screen remains dark, voices can still be heard coming from the speakers:

Okay, cut!  Are we off air?  Good, good.  How was that?  Are you happy?  I really don’t understand why you think this was a good idea for my recovery process, but I did as you asked.  Are you going to give me my pie now?  What???  NO?????

The sounds of crashing and breaking come clearly through the speakers along with human screams and people running.

YOU PROMISED ME PIE!!!  NOW YOU MUST DIE!!!!!

With one final Crash the speakers go silent…and you are left to wonder what’s going on and what to do next…

So you decide to read the rest of the issue.

Let’s Laugh

A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided to try and have kids. 
They had not been using birth control for the entire time they

had been married, so they thought they may have a problem conceiving. The woman decided to go to the gynecologist and see if the problem was with her. She had been hard of hearing since she s little. The doctor examined her and came in to give her the conclusions. He said, “I’m sorry, but the problem is with you. You have insufficient passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a miracle.” The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband got home and asked her what was wrong. She said, “The doctor told me I’ve got a fish up my passage and if I ever have a baby it will be a mackerel.”

Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said, “Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten, miserable beasts I have ever seen.”

Remember, Target Identification is So Important!

A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: “One Marine is better than ten Isis fighters”. The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice once again calls out: “One Marine is better than one hundred Isis ‘S.O.B.’s'”. Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The voice calls out again: “One Marine is better than a thousand Isis fighters.” The enraged Isis commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought ….. then silence.

Eventually, one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men … it’s a trap. He is really a Navy Seal!

 
King of Jordan: Gets word of the barbarous murder, cancels everything and heads home to Jordan.  Orders two terrorist prisoners to be executed.  Immediately upon return to Jordan visits family of murdered pilot.  Promises revenge and ramps up military operations.

Here’s a really simple golf trick that anyone can do with just a little practice.

This is a very special picture that was created for us by Boris.  He was so enamored with out Magical Mysteries in Histories instructor that he just had to paint her in context.  If you ever get a chance to visit our on site school, this picture is hanging up right down the hall from the Magic’s Wing.  It’s well worth seeing in person.

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

‘How do you feel about sex?‘ he asked, rather tentatively.

‘I would like it infrequently‘ she replied. 

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered – ‘Is that one word or two?’

Last week, the highly anticipated movie, 50 Shades of Grey came out.  I understand that this is a still from the movie:

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.  She

puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front

of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room. 'Why are

you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day

we met.'

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating?

I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears.

'Yes, I do,' she replies.

The husband pauses.  The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside

him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my

face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to prison

for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too,' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'I would have gotten out

today.'

Very interesting infographic.  Have you ever wondered what a body is really worth?

As you get off the elevator you see a large sign directly across from it:

You see that the hall has a double runner down its length to deaden foot falls. As you approach the conference room you hear a few low moans and can smell coffee.

Upon entering the uncharacteristically dimly lit room, your jaw drops in shock. Your first impression is that a tornado sucked up the contents of a The Party Store franchise someplace and dumped it all here. Confetti, party hats, feathered masks and boas, various garments obviously from both sexes, empty cups and bottles lay literally strewn all over the place. A semi torn down banner over the stage touts something about Marti Gras in gold and purple glitter. The projection screen over the bead draped podium is down and seems to be split into 4 sections. Despite the beads hanging off the projector attached to the ceiling you manage to make out 4 different views of what you take for the French Quarter of New Orleans showing very little if any activity.

Nurses and a doctor all in surgical scrubs seem to be attending to the party’s survivors though you think it might be a bit premature to say anyone survived. Small bottles of Gatorade are passed out by one of DL/LL Enterprises staff along with the recipient’s choice of over the counter analgesic for headache relief, dark wraparound sunglasses and ear plugs.

Several hooded, robed and sandal shod monks are working their way about the room checking wrist bands and a applying a smudged sign of the cross to the heads of those Catholics they find out of small bowls of what appears to be muddy ashes.

You spot Diamen and Ginny whose costumes seem to at one time largely have consisted of body paint now totally smudged each nearly drowning in beads in a tangled heap with who can only be No name judging by the balaclava and camo body paint. Unless you’re greatly mistaken Ginny is sporting hand and leg cuffs and Diamen’s body paint had been done to resemble a Dominatrix’s leathers and that’s a cat o nine tails next to her.

Paul Bader seems to be snoring loudly from his recliner in the Patron’s Section, which seems so normal as to be out of place for the scene. That is, until it dawns on you that the snores are emanating from the foot rest end of his recliner and he’s in it upside down.

K2 not to be out done by Paul has taken 4 of the recliners tipped them forward and arranged them and a table cloth into a tent under which he is quite happily ensconced along with toga clad Wednesday…with the exception of his feet which both sport party hats.

As you watch several recognizable mythical entities wake up, roll over and manage to crawl or stumble to a circle in the corner before disappearing with a groan

The doctor and nurses work hard at checking everyone over before establishing rehydration IV with a vitamin B-12 complex piggyback and giving all O2 masks. The large medical cart they are obtaining their supplies from is emblazoned with the logo of a famous facility for the treatment of epic hangovers. Apparently Lethal as usual was well prepared.

Speaking of your host, you spot him slumped against the front of the Podium a crown tilted jauntily to one side and several Gatorade bottles empty nearby. The head of a curvaceous Redhead in a dress that appears to be primarily made of feathers rests in his lap. He appears to be gently trying to wake up the lady. The redhead however seems to be reluctant to co-operate with Lethal’s intentions, momentarily raising her tiara festooned head to glare at him…and growl before dropping her head back in his lap and resuming snoring softly!

Lethal sighs, shrugs and motions over one of the nurses. After a brief discussion the redhead (whom you presume to be the legendary Molly) gets a rehydration IV with a vitamin B-12 complex piggyback and an O2 mask carefully tucked between Lethal and her face. When the nurse moves to start the same on him Lethal waves her off, accepting the O2 and gesturing to the coffee pot besides which sits a liter sized mug. The nurse crosses reads what must be mixing instructions on the mug and in short order returns with it brimming full to Lethal who swigs deeply from it accepts 3 Tylenol and waves her away. The moment her back is turned his ever present flask appears and is upended into his cuppa. After quaffing deeply again from it he suddenly starts looking slightly less the worse for wear.

When he notices you he calls softly to two of his employees, gestures at you all standing in the doorway and then to the top of the podium and makes typing motions. One moves to the podium and retrieves a wireless keyboard and Lethal’s noise canceling headphones from it then moves to refill Lethal’s coffee tankard. The other approaches you with a finger to his lips gestures for you to remove your shoes and to take your seat.

Lethal begins typing furiously on the keyboard stops and cranes his neck in an attempt to see the big screen. Someone catches his attention and shoots him the thumbs up indicating he has control of it and he goes back to typing.

SHH!!! That sign in the hallway isn’t a joke! Welcome friends, please excuse the mess. We had a little Marti Gras party last night in honor of Fat Tuesday…ok so we had a LOT of party last night in honor of Fat Tuesday. Well no that’s not quite right either it was more of an all-day all night lot of party.

Anyways- we’ve got a lot of terminally hung over people and more than one or 2 mythical deities in disguise with nearly terminal hangovers so I’ll be typing out things this morning to avoid any unpleasantness with or for anyone.

I’d like to take a moment to address…

(off in the distance you can hear a blood curdling scream followed by the loud plaintive bellow “PIE! Just one pie! PLEASE! I just need one to take the edge off! Lethal buddy? Terrance my left hand? Diaman my favorite Cali Beach Bunny? Ginny muh Jersey home girl? PLEASE! I gotta have just ONE! <sobbing and quieter now> It’s ONLY pie!”

Lethal sighs deeply, heaves on his O2 a moment then wipes a tear from the corner of his eye before gently patting fondly a stirring at the noise Molly and murmuring words of reassurance to her then continuing

…as I was saying to address the issue of Impish and my actions last Wednesday and Saturday as some of you perceived them. Allow me to speed this along by reprinting some of the comments made after Saturday’s Shaving Cream pie incident:

Ginny Submitted on 2015/02/14 at 20:01

My heart was breaking as you were searching for PIE, I so wanted to ease your pain……so I called a top notch bakery and placed my order for one dozen, they will arrive next Saturday, just in time for your issue. I can’t believe Lethal being so cruel with his shaving cream pie….and you call him your friend?????? J

Just pay him back on his upcoming holiday….dragons don’t get mad….they get even…right????? Your VD issue was fantastic…. BUT my one worry….is my friend Diaman ever going to walk again? I must say, DL/LL Digital Media Enterprises really knows how to PARTY!

lethalleprechaun Submitted on 2015/02/17 at 13:24 | In reply to Ginny.

Ginny as mean as I appear I do have good and valid reasons for my actions which I assure you are in Impish’s best interest and will become clear in tomorrows issue. As for my method of announcing the onset of the event,- considering the effort that more than a few had to mount to get him back having gorged himself on Roofied Pies, (after I have repeatedly told him not to accept pies from strangers w/o having them checked out first) coupled with his near derailment of the negations to keep him free and his head attached to his neck because “hiding out is boring and lonely”, to say nothing of his incessant interruption of my introductions with his new annoying theme song, wasn’t I deserving of a little fun at his expense? Besides he challenged me! He thought he was untouchable and had to be shown he wasn’t!

Mean while the congregation of Knights of St George thanks you for your generous pie donation to them. Your pies will be rerouted upon arrival to them before ever reaching the mountain.

As you can clearly see, Impish’s fondness for pie has passed from fondness to obsession and on to uncontrolled addiction. There have been several ugly encounters between Impish and the baking staff as well as anyone unlucky enough to be caught just taking a short cut past any of his ever expanding pie vaults or even eating a slice outside the commissary.

The final straw was when it became clear to No-name and myself that his addiction presented a security risk both to him and to DL/LL Digital Media Enterprises. If he wasn’t so deep in his Pie Addiction even Impish with his near total lack of shame would be embarrassed at the ease with which A.S.S. got to him under his own roof and waltzed him right out of here and into Gitmo.

Hence what you witnessed Wednesday and Saturday last or heard just now was not and is not my being mean to my dear friend. It was in fact a somewhat comically staged announcement of an intervention. As you can see from my response to Ginny above I did have my own slightly selfish reasons for doing it in that manner I’ll freely admit. Aside from the selfish reasons, just a scant 3 days earlier I had incinerated all his pies, did any of you really think I was going to lose my mind enough to sit down in an enclosed area with Impish and proceed to inform him he was the subject of a one Leprechaun intervention and that I was not going to allow him access to anymore pies? Seriously? I mean that’s like liberal level moronic!

As I recently told Impish over the PA (last time he saw me he tried to flame broil me)

I might not be all hearts and flowers when it comes to taking care of or dealing with you. But I’m your Paddy and I take that responsibility very seriously. I’ll always have your back, your best interests at heart and a plan.

In a rare second of lucidity Impish managed to acknowledge that I was a great Paddy to him and that he understood this was for his own good…right before he promised to make an Offal Pie out of my guts.

I know I could be sending Impish off to some sanitarium or clinic or wellness center or any of a half dozen other euphemisms for addiction treatment centers currently in vogue. Truth is I want him to do this cold turkey. I want this to be hard on him. I want it to hurt, physically, mentally and emotionally.

See the problem with all these cure centers is they make it easy and relatively painless. You got the crawlies? Hey not problem we got a pill or a shot for that. We got activities and head shrinking to take your mind off your addiction. We’ll fill your head with bullshit about forgiving yourself because you’re sick. As a result you see all these people go in and dry out for 30-45 or 90 days come out and in 6 months they are a bigger mess than when they went in the first time. It becomes an endless cycle in which the only benefits are to the treatment center’s bank account. I want the memory of Impish’s quitting and getting straight to be so horrific for him that even the mere thought of having a slice of pie will cause him to break out in a cold fear sweat. THAT is the ONLY way he’s going to remain in control of his problem. Hard? Yes. Harsh? Admittedly. Seriously tough love? Definitely. Regrettable? Most certainly. This hurts me as much as it’s hurting my pal. The truth is I bought every one of those pies because I couldn’t get the bakers to agree to promise not to sell to him. I could with a single blast text have enough pies here inside 3 hours to fill one of his vaults but I won’t because as much as it would make Impish happy it would be doing him and our friendship a grave disservice. THAT is what being a Dragon’s friend means, you protect him from himself even when it hurts you and makes him want to make Offal Pie out of your insides.

Now I’d appreciate it if the rest of you would stop jumping to conclusions and/or trying to sneak him pies!

Ginny- I’ll use your upturned butt for a set of Conga drums while doing my Desi Arnaz ‘Babalu’ imitation- the long version where the drum solo goes on 5 minutes straight. It’s been quite a while so I’ll probably need to do it about a dozen times before I get it right.

Diaman- don’t test me, I know you tried all night to reverse positions with Ginny and get in those hand & leg cuffs yourself. I might grant your wish which is something you’d do well to be carefully of having granted by me.

As for the rest of you, I’ll drug you, smear pie filling on your face and you’ll wake up in Impish’s round rubber walled cell with a note pinned to you saying that I sent you with a pie for him. I don’t think given his current state I have to explain that scenario any further than that.

Unfortunately the strain on Impish has been considerable despite the sedation we have been able to slip him. His concentration is  currently shot and his last issue draft consisted of the names of all 125 variations of pie and their sub types. DO NOT have high expectations for Saturday’s issue.

So for now, I’d like a nap- let’s get the issue started shall we? And QUIETLY!

Since yesterday was Fat Tuesday that means today  (if your Catholic) is Ash Wednesday and the advent of the Holy Season leading up to Easter lets start out with a solemn video appropriate for Catholics shall we?

FYI: The former alter boy from my days of serving during the Latin Mass in me wants desperately  for me to tell you that their chant “pie jesu domine, dona eis requiem” translates “Merciful Jesus, give them rest.”

What? Shocked I speak some Latin? Liber est autem non?

Hmm…that ‘pie jesu domine, dona eis requiem’ chant just might apply to the North East and the snow too. Except I think they bang snow shovels against their foreheads in New England about now!

Adam & Eve’s Pets

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.’”

And God said, “I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal and God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”

And God said, “I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, ‘Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.’

And God said, “I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased..
And Dog was happy.

And the Cat . . . 

didn’t give a shit one way or the other. (Please excuse the cat’s language!)

Gun safety IS NO LAUGHING MATTER! The life you save JUST MIGHT BE YOURS OR A LOVED ONES. If its not in your hand or on your person then its unloaded and stowed securely always but especially in a house with young kids. Teach your kinds about guns gun safety and gun respect. By doing so your not fostering the next generation of gun crazed fanatics, you’re preventing the next generation of gun related tragedies!

The Top 5 Words That Need to Be Part of the English Language

5. FPMS (noun) – A temporary chemical or mental imbalance that makes you want to go all “Call of Duty” on someone’s ass

4. Misclaimer (noun) – Denial of a tendency immediately preceding a statement confirming said tendency, such as “I’m not a racist, but…”

3. Narcistick (noun) – The pole for holding a cell phone to take a selfie

2. Roobella (noun) – Any disease caught by someone too stupid to follow basic medical advice

And the Number One Word That Need to Be Part of the English Language…

1. Beastmodel (noun) – A person who is clearly the best person for the job even though someone else got it instead

Cheese Boat

I cannot emphasis the importance of having a good fresh bread for this recipe. Don’t limit your self to just the French or Italian bread suggested in the recipe either. Just choose a good fresh bread you like. I prefer Sourdough, Rye or Pumpernickel when I make it. The reason for making a point out of this is once you’re done with the contents of your bread bowl you them have the yummy bread bowl itself to eat where the cheese and everything have soaked into the bread! Deli Corned Beef, Pastrami, Capicola (Hot or Sweet) Imported Boiled Ham and Turkey Pepperoni (the other kind is too greasy in this) as well as Finely dices and sautéed Spam or Canadian Bacon all work well in this. I’m thinking jerky might too but I have not tried it as yet. Don’t use a summer sausage they are either too greasy or basically dissolve when heated. IF you like the summer sausage idea leave the meat out of the recipe and spread the cheese mixture on a cracker then apply some summer sausage to it. Same goes for non turkey pepperoni

Total Time: 50 min
Prep: 20 min
Cook: 30 min
Yield: 10 servings
Level: Easy

Ingredients

1 loaf French or Italian bread
Two 8-ounce packages cream cheese, at room temperature
10 ounces sharp Cheddar, grated (about 2 1/2 cups)
6 ounces corned beef, such as Carl Buddig, finely chopped
1 bunch green onions, finely chopped
1 medium tomato, finely chopped
1/2 red bell pepper, cored, seeded and finely chopped
1/2 teaspoon hot sauce, such as Tabasco
1/2 teaspoon chili powder
Large corn chips, for serving

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.
Cut an oval in the top of the load of bread, scooping out the bread in the center and make a “bread boat.” Place the bread on a cooking sheet.
In a large bowl, mix the cream cheese, Cheddar, beef, green onions, tomatoes, bell peppers, hot sauce and chili powder until fully combined. Spoon the mixture into the hollow center of the bread loaf. Bake for 30 minutes, until bubbling, and serve warm with corn chips.

Got left over? (unlikely but possibly) Spread some on the inside of a pita fill with any of the Deli meats listed in my comment above and toast in a toaster oven for a great lunch sandwich with a bowl of soup.

Slow Cooked Cuban Sandwich

Total Time: 6 hr 20 min
Prep: 20 min
Cook: 6 hr
Yield: 6 to 8 servings
Level: Easy

Ingredients

2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
1 tablespoon kosher salt
2 teaspoons ground cumin
2 teaspoons dried oregano
1 teaspoon ground black pepper
1/4 teaspoon crushed red pepper
3 to 4 cloves garlic, minced
Juice of 1 lime (2 tablespoons)
Juice of 1 orange (2 tablespoons)
3 to 3 1/2-pound boneless pork shoulder
One 24-inch sub roll
Yellow mustard
1 pound Swiss, thick-sliced
1 pound honey ham, thinly sliced
2 cups dill pickle chips
2 red onions, thinly sliced

Directions

Mix the oil, salt, cumin, oregano, black pepper, red pepper, garlic, lime juice and orange juice in a small bowl. Make slits in the pork with a paring knife and rub liberally all over with the oil mixture. Place the pork in a slow cooker and top with the remaining juices from the bowl. Cover and cook on low until tender, flipping once halfway through, about 6 hours.

Remove from the slow cooker and let cool slightly. Shred the pork into thick chunks with 2 forks. Set the pork aside and keep warm in the cooking liquid.

Slice the roll open and smear both sides with mustard. Layer on the Swiss, ham, pulled pork and pickles. Place the onions over half the sub and cut into portions. Or, start on opposing ends and race to the middle.

Better to spread the mustard on one side (bottom) and dip top in the pork juices!

Chicken Tamale Pie

Total Time: 1 hr
Prep: 5 min
Inactive: 15 min
Cook: 40 min
Yield: 6 servings
Level: Easy

Ingredients

3 cups diced cooked chicken (about 12 ounces)
1 1/2 cups prepared salsa
One 15-ounce can black beans, drained and rinsed
1 1/2 cups chicken broth
1 tablespoon chili powder
2 scallions (white and green parts), sliced
3/4 cup cornmeal
1 cup shredded sharp Cheddar cheese
1 tablespoon unsalted butter
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
Sour cream, for serving

Directions

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F.
Heat the chicken, salsa, beans, 1/2 cup of the broth and the chili powder in a 10-inch cast-iron skillet over medium heat, stirring, until simmering. Stir in the scallions and remove from the heat.
Meanwhile, combine the cornmeal with the remaining 1 cup broth and 1 cup water in a medium pan. Bring to a simmer over medium heat, stirring, until very thick, 5 to 7 minutes. Remove from the heat and stir in the cheese and butter. Season with 1/4 teaspoon salt and 1/4 teaspoon pepper.
Spread the cornmeal mixture over the filling and bake until cooked through, about 30 minutes. Let stand for 15 minutes. Serve with sour cream.

I don’t like black beans and would rather starve than eat them. Considering I have eaten things in my life time that were considered National delicacies where I was but would make a Billy-goats retch any place else, in the world that’s saying something. I replace black beans with pinto beans and in soups sometimes kidney beans all of the time.

Here is an important two part tip for you. When it comes to cooking the corn meal;

1.) Never stop stirring or you’ll be sorry!

2.) Use a nonstick pot that way when you ignore my first tip you’ll still have an easier clean up time.

Finally forget the butter, use bacon or sausage grease for a more authentic taste.

Old-Fashioned Potato-Beef Casserole

Total Time: 1 hr 25 min
Prep: 40 min
Cook: 45 min
Yield: 6 servings
Level: Easy

Ingredients

3 pounds red potatoes, peeled and sliced 1/4-inch thick
Salt
Vegetable oil, to coat pan
1 pound lean ground beef
1/2 onion, chopped
4 tablespoons (1/2 stick) butter
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
Black pepper
2 cups milk
2 cups grated sharp Cheddar
1/2 cup unseasoned dry breadcrumbs

Directions

Place the potatoes in a large saucepan with water to cover by 1 inch. Add a generous pinch of salt and cook for 15 minutes, or until tender. Potatoes cook quickly. Test often for tenderness and don’t overcook them. Alternatively, cook the potatoes in a pressure cooker for 5 minutes, releasing the pressure immediately to prevent overcooking. Drain the potatoes and arrange them in a 6- by 9- by 2-inch casserole dish.
In a large skillet, add a little oil to coat the pan. Combine the beef and onion and cook together over medium heat until the beef is browned and the onion softened, about 10 minutes. Drain excess fat.
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.
Melt the butter in a medium saucepan and whisk in the flour to make a roux. Cook over medium heat, whisking constantly, until the mixture bubbles and the flour turns light brown in color. Gradually whisk in the milk and continue to stir while cooking over medium heat. When the mixture thickens, season with salt and pepper, then stir in the cheese and browned beef and onions.
Pour the ground beef mixture over the potatoes and bake the casserole for 20 minutes, until heated through and bubbling. Sprinkle the breadcrumbs on top of the casserole and bake until the crumbs are toasted, about 5 minutes longer.

I find it easier to microwave the potatoes to almost done prior to slicing if you don’t have some sort of a mandolin slicer. Just cut a small flat side on the bottom so it sits stabile when you’re cutting your 1/4 slices. Plus if the skins are thin enough you can go right from slicing to assembling and save a pot you’d have to wash later!

I always add sliced fresh mushrooms when I am making this and top it with more cheese real bacon bits and Panko bread crumb for the last step.

Slow Cooker Peach Cobbler

Total Time: 3 hr 30 min
Prep: 15 min
Cook: 3 hr 15 min
Yield: 4 to 6 servings
Level: Easy

Ingredients

6 ounces dark brown sugar
3 1/2 ounces rolled oats
4 ounces all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground allspice
1/2 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon kosher salt
1/4 cup unsalted butter, at room temperature, plus extra for the cooker
20 ounces frozen peach slices

Directions

Combine the sugar, oats, flour, baking powder, allspice, nutmeg and kosher salt in a large bowl. Add the butter and work into the dry ingredients until a crumbly texture is formed. Fold in the peach slices.
Butter the bottom and sides of a 3-quart cooker. Add the mixture to the slow cooker and cook on low for 3 to 3 1/2 hours. Serve immediately.

You can substitute other fruit for the peaches. Frozen Apples meant for Pie filling work well too. I’ve even had it done once with Pumpkin pieces. Hmm…come to think of it this might be something to try with sweet potatoes if you like them with marshmallows or drowned in Maple Syrup! I suppose in the case of the sweet potatoes or Apples a drizzle [Molly’s definition of that is less than 1/4 of the bottle] of Maple Syrup wouldn’t be out of place either

Crock pot liners are your friend when it comes to this recipe! Don’t forget the ice cream! French Vanilla, Bailey’s flavor or something with caramel streaks in it works really well.

Yup, there goes Ginny knees! She’s on the floor again!

That’s kind of why I keep Impish around but I had to substitute a halter top for the t-shirt because of our limited advertising budget and the fact t-shirts and wings don’t mix well. HE says the halter makes him look like a drag queen but I keep telling him it’s the body glitter, eye shadow and lip stick not the halter!

Guess we’re all going to have to wait until after Easter to follow the advice in this next video.

Uhh <groan> I think after last night Charlie Sheen could bloody well take a few lessons from us!

When we last left our zero err hero(?) he had just retired for the evening after being introduced to the allure of gold. We rejoin him the following morning.

Stayed in bed today. Cat says it was so I could look at SPARKLY gold on pillow. I say I’z just tired. Oh, and I ated a troll.

Troll left me feeling a need to clean out the digestive system. Ate more black rock. Flaming troll belches…yech. Still, fire!

Having trouble sleeping because my back was very itchy. Asked cat to scratch it and shed some skin. Turns out I have wings!

So far wings do not equal flying. Wings equal falling less fast. On the upside, landed on a gryphon and ated it. Most yummy!

Still not flying. I hope these wings aren’t just decorative. I like being pretty as much as the next dragon, but want to fly! How else am I going to ated more gryphons? Or hippogryphs? Oh, and I want to try Roc too. Cat says birdies are ated heaven.

Cat says that dragons don’t really fly with their wings, they fly with their minds. Confused. How do you flap your mind?

Tried cat’s suggestion about flying with my mind. What’s the sound of one mind flapping? It’s “Aieeee—thud.” Stupid cat.

Rainy day. No flying. Ated a knight, two squires, four horses and a page. Napping now. Zzzzzzzz.

Said to cat “If cat so smart/ let cat fly with mind. What the sound of one cat flapping? “Buzzzip, buzzip—we can fly, we just don’t.” Stupid cat.

Cat says if I bring home big fishies, cat will teach me to fly with my mind. Still think it would be easier to just use wings.

Woke up hungry from flying attempts. Ated princess. Better than mime, but not as good as knight. Need to find new knight bait.

Monk came by to talk about evils of ateding thinking beings. Lots to ponder there. BTW, monk tastes better than knight.

Brought cat fishes to teach me flying. Said I had to put my mind in opposition to the ground. Still not flying. Stupid cat.

Okay, maybe cat not so stupid after all. Mind in opposition to ground plus flapping wings really hard is working. Flew after a feathered serpent and ated it.

BTW, flying snake tastes …like chicken…. Only more feathers to get caught in your teeth. Ptui.

Hungry, check. Want sparklys, check. Need a new princess, check. Flying, check. Time to find a castle. Cat agrees. Sparklys!

Found a pretty castle full of happy singing people. Tried to ated them, but they were plastic. Ptui. Cat says: Stupid Disney.

Tried another castle. Downside, everyone ran away so I only ated 2 knights. Upside, they left their sparklys. Yay sparklys!

Sparkly! Sparkly! Sparkly! Sparkly gold and sparkly silver. Sparkly jewelry and sparkly gems Sparkly! Sparkly! Sparkly! Whee!

Not sure why, but cat’s been muttering about dragon-nip and attention span since we brought the sparklys home. Silly ca—Ooh…Sparkly! Sparkly Sparkly!

Cat says that gold doesn’t exist until you count it. One-two-three-Sparkly. No. One-two-three-Sparkly. Damn it! One-two-three-Spa-argh! Stupid cat.

Five-hundred-and-twen-sparkly. Argh! OK, that’s it, going to ated the stupid cat… And…sigh, nope. Still tastes like friend. Sorry cat.

I don’t think Impish’s Friend ‘Cat’ is too happy with all this licking and tasting! I’ll be back with more of Impish’s embarrassing hatchlinghood next week!