Where am I?

It’s dark again. 

I have memories of a laptop and then darkness and then horrible dreams and then a laptop again.

I don’t know where I am, but I know that that Leprechaun put me here…and after I told him I was cured.

So what, if there was a few pies lying around?

So what, if I had a couple stashed here and there?

I’m not an addict!  I can quit anytime.

Dark…

Nightmares…

I remember flashes

There is evilness

And that crazy doctor who wanted me to sing with him was there….

A couple of different times…

It’s all so weird.  And I know, when the light comes back, and I can type on the laptop again, I’ll have to try and be funny….but….it’s not very funny right now.
I’m afraid there is an evil pastry chef somewhere right now…

baking me an evil pie, that I will try to eat and it will eat me, after squeezing me to death first…

Oh…

Here comes the light again. 

I need to finish this writing so all my friends and fellow campers will still know I’m alive, even if they don’t know where to find me…

So please…

 

Let’s start today off with a video that Ginny and Paul found funny…I’ll bet you will, too.

Must be New Jersey Roaches…

 

 

 

This is an outstanding video.  It shows the inequality of pay and the fact that even monkeys get it when it isn’t fair

This reminds me of the old experiment ….

Five monkeys are in a cage.  At the top of a set of steps is a banana.  Every time one of the monkeys climbs the steps to get to the banana, all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water from a hose.  It very quickly reaches a point where any time a monkey goes for the steps, the other four monkeys beat the living daylights out of him.

Next, we remove one monkey and put a new one in the cage.  He doesn’t know anything about the cold water, so he makes a move for the steps and all the other monkeys beat him up before anything can happen.  He doesn’t understand it, but learns his lesson quickly.

Then, we remove another of the original monkeys from the cage and replace him with a new monkey.  The new monkey makes a move for the stairs and the other four beat him up, including the last monkey who has no idea why he’s beating up the new monkey.  Once the second monkey learns his lesson, we repeat the experiment with another new monkey until all five of the original monkeys are replaced.

Now, when a new monkey enters the cage, the other four beat the hell out of him.  None of these monkeys have been sprayed with water, none of them understand why they are getting beaten up, but all of them participate in the beating of the new guy.

And that, boys and girls, is how the government works.  All of them doing what they’re doing, even when it makes no sense, because that’s the way we’ve always done it in the past.

 

 

Okay, so I guess this is just video day…this next one is CRAZY!!!!!!!

 

This is my evil little brother…on my dragon side.  (I also have a wolf and an owl as brothers, on my mythological sides).  I’d tell you his name, but to mention it is to invoke his presence.

 

 

 

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
“You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or
this is going to be my lucky day!” Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?” 

 

Since we’re on a video kick, let’s add another one…that’s just for fun!

 

Would you believe our Mechanical Drawing/Drafting Instructor?

 

Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit. “No way am I getting on an airplane,” was the inevitable answer. 

 

 

I have the distinguished honor of being on the Committee to raise $50,000,000 for a monument to Hillary R. Clinton.  We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore, until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C. Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed.  It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside her husband William J. Clinton, who never told the truth, since Hillary could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all.  He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was.  He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else’s money.

Thank you,
Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee

p.s. The Committee has raised $.16 so far.

 

 

There are only 11 times in history where the 4 letter word “F…” has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:

11. “Where the f… is all this snow coming from?”   — Hundreds of People, Buffalo, NY, 2014

 

10. “What the f… do you mean, we are sinking?”  — Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

9. “What the f… was that?”   — Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945    

8. “Where did all those f…ing Indians come from?”   — Custer, 1877

7. “Any f…ing idiot could understand that.”   — Einstein, 1938

6. “It does so f…ing look like her!”   — Picasso, 1926

5. “How the f… did you work that out?”   — Pythagoras, 126 BC

4. “You want WHAT on the f…ing ceiling?”   — Michelangelo, 1566

3. “Where the f… are we?”   — Amelia Earhart, 1937

2. “Scattered f…ing showers, my ass!”   — Noah, 4314 BC

1. “Aw c’mon. Who the f… is going to find out?”   — Bill Clinton, 1998

 

Yes, it’s a geek joke.

 

Just a start to the whole Holy Shit…. run.  Tune in next week for the continuation.

 

Sure, and why not another video?

 

Is it wrong of me to really, really, really want to know what this cat is leaping after?  Whatever it is, it’s moving back and forth across the room.

 

Good dog!  Get the ball!  Get the ball!

 

How Elsie the cow appears in my nightmares. 

 

You’ve seen the coffee mugs that say, “Sometimes The Best Part of My Job is that the Chair Spins”?  That’s definitely what’s going on here.

 

“Oh my gawd!  And you have the NERVE to complain about my litter box!”

 

 

Barack Obama steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “OBAMA IS AN ASSHOLE” written in urine across the snow.

 

 

Today’s Last Word is going to be a couple of medical updates.  First, from Lethal Leprechaun:

As you can see my instruction was interpreted quite literally, though most of Chai is on the arm of the chair as Molly’s abdomen is still extremely painful. I figured that my attempt at slowing Molly down by attaching a cat to her was a total loss at this point, especially in light of the photo I got about 5 minutes later. Little did I know Chai had an extremely sneaky and devious plan concealed behind those blue eyes:

It’s so not surprising to hear that Molly is keeping Lethal in line while not following her doctor’s orders and that Lethal is keeping Molly in line while doing every thing he can to follow the doctor’s orders and the Ninja Kitties are the ones really in charge and keeping peace, harmony and health in that household.

 

Many of you have asked me how my brother-in-law is doing after being run down in the street by a car.  I’ll try to answer here in generalities and such because the lawyers are gathering and we don’t want too many details on line.

He has been in and out of hospital and rehab several times since the accident, has had another brain bleed that required surgery and is currently resting at home with 5 days a week of out-patient therapy.  The thing that all of us need to remember about said B in L is that he is a tough, obstinate, single minded guy who will definitely not give up the fight.  And THAT will see him through.

Cheers my friends,

Until next week

Impish Dragon

As you enter the Conference room still hung over from your St Patrick’s Day celebrating your nose is assailed by the comingling of the scents of Air Freshener, commercial cleaning solutions, Murphy’s Oil soap and freshly brewed coffee all competing with the odor of burnt ozone and electronics.

You see the massive mess that was Impish’s amateurish attempt at animatronics has been cleaned off the stage, the room has been scrubbed free of aerially delivered  pies and that here appears to be actual real brewed coffee set out for everyone along with other traditional hang over remedies, namely OTC head and stomach relief, small amounts of materials for ‘hair of the dog’ curatives, small bottles of water w/ individual plackets of Gatorade or Emergen-C, cheap sunglasses and ear plugs. A single team from the same hangover treatment company Lethal provided for the post Marti Gras aftermath is set up in one corner standing by in the event someone is in a bad way which apparently several of you were as a couple treatments are ongoing.

The patrons seem to be dining on Corned Beef Hash, Poached Eggs on toasted Irish Soda Bread (Hollandaise optional) and having taken pity on you, Lethal has provided fresh scones for those in the cheap seats. to accompany your coffee.

Lethal is down front surrounded by Diaman, Ginny and Paul. They are apparently engaged in an argument. No, that not right, after rubbing your blood shot eyes you can see they are not arguing with each other but with something Lethal is holding. After several deep slurps of hot coffee (not the normal instant Maxwell House stuff either) and donning sunglasses your double vision finally clears enough to figure out they are apparently having the argument with someone they are probably Skyping with on Lethal’s tablet.

Lethal: You bloody well not only welshed on our agreement, you back slid while you were away!

Impish: Hey! I was under a lot of stress! Queen Tiamat is scary even for Dragons, there was the audiences the private discussion in the garden and the financial inquisition…uhhh… audit. I just needed a little something and then when I found out about Pi Day I took it as a sign so…. OK! SO MAYBE my little joke wasn’t as funny as it sounded in my head, haven’t you all ever made a joke that fell flat.

Paul: Not THAT flat! Besides Dude, you’re never getting better if you keep lying to yourself like this.

Impish: …. and besides it wasn’t like I was gorging on them or anything. It was only just that one time and that single (gross) of pie[s].

Diaman: And that single pie locker full you brought back

Ginny: and the ones in the storage facility you had me buy in Jersey

Lethal: (sighing scrubbing his head with his hand in frustration) Impish the pies have all been confiscated. Including the one on your secret Alter of Pie worship. You’ll remain in the Addiction Boot Camp program until you’re totally cured this time. Ill inform Queen T that you suffered a nervous collapse upon return and have been checked into a clinic for a rest and recuperative stay of indeterminate length at this present moment. I’ll alert Quack the ALFLAC duck to process your claim starting back with your kidnapping return so you’ll have some income. Also you’ll start attending P.I.G.O.U.T. (Pie Intensive Gluttons Outpatient Un-obsession Therapy meetings by remote proxy for two hours twice a day every day.

Impish: What? No! COME ON! Lethal BUDDY, pal, friend o’ mine! DON’T DO THIS TO ME! Not AGAIN! It was only ONE little slip up! (Impish’s voice starts fading out) HEY! You clowns on the ropes! I KNOW WHERE YOUR PAYCHECKS COME FROM! I’ll… (indistinct voices) SO HELP ME IF……. OWWW! THAT’S HURT! Oooo! …Sparkly in my head!

(Lethal taps on the tablet apparently closing out the Skype session then looks up)

And that will just about do it for any pre-issue commentary this morning. My apologies for your having to ease drop on that, to say nothing of having had pies fall from the ceiling all over you on Saturday. Please take any clothing in need of stain removal to the Dry Cleaners in the Lobby and present your DragonLaffs subscription information and the dry cleaning bill will be paid by Impish.

Don’t worry there will be a Molly report a short way into the issue. Mean time let’s get things underway I now have a mountain of paperwork, several court orders to obtain and a delusional dragon to transport to the Bat Shit Crazy Barracks at Lethal’s Addiction Boot Camp.

If he want to continue with his denial then let him convince the Doctors, Headshrinkers and Drill Sergeants that he’s cured. Have no contact of any kind with pies means just that and he broke the agreement!

OR is that a bunch of hung over to the point of being green at the gills humans? Either way it’s a bloody terrifying sight.

Rusty Humphries: Sneakin’ In To The USA

 

Childhood Diseases

Yeah, it’s silly, but I love this one, especially since telling it to Molly helps tick off the last box on her post procedure pre-released check list!

– – –

A young couple arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, “Ewww — what’s wrong with your feet?”

“I had tolio as a child,” he answered.

“You mean polio?” she asked.

“No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.”

The bride was satisfied with this explanation and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.

“What’s wrong with your knees?” she asked. “They’re all lumpy and deformed!”

“As a child, I also had kneasles,” he explained.

“You mean measles?” she asked.

“No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.”

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

“Don’t tell me,” she said. “You also had smallcox, didn’t you?”

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, “WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!”

 As you read in Saturday’s DragonLaffs issue. Molly’s procedure on Thursday went extremely well. By 11 Pm she was out of recovery in an outpatient room had been up and around and had some Jell-O, her first food in almost 32 hours and first anything by mouth in over 14.

Friday morning her mother was with her as I had an appointment with a client and the stress was starting to take a serious physical toll on me as well.

It was 3 Am Friday morning before the cats stopped complaining that Molly had not come home and I got any serious sleep. Then her first text came in at 06:30 just before my 7:00 AM alarm.

I’d received about a dozen text messages from her with requests and instructions already Friday morning by the time I arrived at my appointment. I had to leave my phone, weapon, knife & keys with security when I went into this particular client today (they are in a government building).

When I came back to retrieve them the guard was like “Thank God! I don’t know who keeps texting you, but I’m tired of Yoda scaring the crap out of me and everyone going through the scanner”! (Molly’s personalized text message alert is Yoda saying ”Hear you nothing that I say?”) I told him to be thankful she hadn’t called because suddenly the hall would have erupted into ‘Hail to the Chief’. He roared and asked me to send him the ring tone so he could use it for his wife too.

By 10:30 she’d eaten a decent breakfast, showered, had been walking around, had had the IV and other things removed and was ready to come home.

They’re were just waiting for one more box on the post procedure check sheet to be ticked before releasing her. Unfortunately my wife in addition to being a fiery German/Scot was raised in part by two very old fashion grandmothers. They were and are every bit the Southern Ladies and Molly herself very much one when it comes to certain things. This was one of those things that Southern Ladies simply do NOT do, much less ever admit to having done, – which of course they’d never have to, it simply not being done by a lady.

I feared this was going to cause a problem with her release as they could only keep her as an outpatient for 23.5 hours. Fortunately one cannot stop the course of nature. A couple small joke to make her chuckle and the last box was ticked off. Molly was released arriving home about 12:45 and I had her ensconced in her recliner by 1:00 PM.

She seems not to have lost as much of a step as I had feared probably due to the use of a robotic surgical assistant for her procedure. As soon as I started getting insistent about her getting off her feet she sassed me right back telling me to back off, that she was headed there as soon as she got and did what she wanted. She finally settled feet up watching gymnastic on TV with her Mom with her pillow, blanket, clad in pajama pants, an Alabama long sleeve T and slipper socks.

She ate a late lunch of her favorite fast food (Chick-Fil-A) napped, watched TV and read a bit. By dinner time she was waiting for the clock to say it was pain medication time and then ate some dinner but wasn’t all that hungry due to pain and some post procedure abdominal cramps. She flip flopped back and forth between watching TV through closed eyelids (though I am forced to admit she has a point when she insists one doesn’t need to watch Jeopardy to participate in it) and out right napping.

Saturday:

She got up a couple times during the night and walked as the Doctor has ordered but made it from midnight until about 9AM w/o any pain medications. This may have been a bit of a miscalculation however as the moment she was up (I didn’t hear her get up and she decided she was making her own breakfast of tea & toast w/ jam) she wanted  it badly.

She is doing well enough that my Mother In Law is talking about going home earlier than she had planned leaving on Monday.That’s why I’m trying to finish this issue by Sunday  despite the distraction of Impish’s melt down, the paper work involved in involuntarily committing him to Addiction Boot Camp and overseeing the clean up of his celebration surprise.

Sunday:

Sunday started out with Molly learning an important lesson about skipping pain med dosages in the middle of the night because she’s sleeping good- don’t do it you’ll pay for it when you  do finally get up.

She came in and woke me as I told her to if she needed anything asking for a breakfast more substantial than the one she made herself yesterday but had already made herself a cuppa something in her Keurig on her own.

Her first shower is on tap for today as she was tired last night and afraid of trying it. Already bored wit TV she’s returning to her school studies already mindful of approaching deadlines for a paper and a quiz.

There was a lot of pain after the shower and all the school work which while it sounds mean to say I’m a little thankful for because it’s taken some of the wind out of her sails and underlined the point is is just 2 days post procedure. Pain is a hell of a teacher and its teaching her she can’t rush and push things.

Monday

Yup I definitely like Morning Molly better then she takes that 3AM pail medication. I was up before her and had her breakfast almost completed before she got up. They’re working on the foundation of our building which apparently involves singing in Spanish using jackhammering for the bass line. This means no TV watching so she is on her laptop no doubt checking work emails a head of when she is due back to work. Sigh! At least the constant jackhammering precludes her using her phone for meetings and tiring herself out too much.

There will probably be one last short Molly report in next Saturday’s issue or a report of my committal to the Loony Tune-ium if she starts pushing herself too much again.

 

 

 

Supreme Court revives Notre Dame’s Obamacare contraception objections

By Lawrence Hurley WASHINGTON Mon Mar 9, 2015 12:20pm EDT

(Reuters) – The U.S. Supreme Court on Monday revived the University of Notre Dame’s religious objections to the requirement for contraception coverage under President Barack Obama’s healthcare law, throwing out a lower court decision in favor of the federal government.

The justices asked the 7th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals to reconsider its decision against the South Bend, Indiana-based Roman Catholic university in light of the June 2014 Supreme Court ruling that allowed certain privately owned corporations to seek exemptions from the provision.

The case is part of national litigation concerning religious objections to the contraception provision of the 2010 Affordable Care Act, known widely as Obamacare.

The law requires employers to provide health insurance policies that cover preventive services for women including access to contraception and sterilization.

Various challengers, including family-owned companies and religious affiliated nonprofits that oppose abortion and sometimes the use of contraceptives, say the requirement infringes on their religious beliefs.

Mark Rienzi, a lawyer with the religious rights group Becket Fund for Religious Liberty who has been involved in similar cases, said Monday’s action was “a strong signal that the Supreme Court will ultimately reject the government’s narrow view of religious liberty.”

 

In my case I’m fortunate enough to never be able to envision ever even thinking this sort of thing much less begging the doctor for it. She rearranged her schedule appointments and life to drive 6 hours and stay here to help me with Molly until Molly is at least partly back on her feet.

Ouch! Somebody remind me to get that Learners Permit for Bus Driving away from Diaman!

Hey! That’s yesterday’s lunch! How’d that get used? Even better question- we got enough makings for another one? It was the only St Patrick’s Day tradition I followed yesterday, Corned Beef for at least one meal.

Baked Nutella French Toast With Mixed-Berry Sauce

 

 

Serves 8-10
Prep Time  50 minutes

French Toast Ingredients
10 1-inch-thick brioche slices or challah-bread slices
4 large eggs
2 cups heavy cream
1/2 tsp. vanilla
1 tsp. freshly grated nutmeg
1/4 tsp. salt
1 cup Nutella

 

Berry Sauce Ingredients
1 12-oz. package mixed frozen berries
2 tbsp. sugar
2 tbsp. unsalted butter
Finely grated zest from 1 orange
2 tbsp. fresh-squeezed orange juice
1 6-oz. container raspberries or berries of choice

Instructions
1. Preheat oven to 350°F and grease a 9 x 12-inch baking dish.
2. Divide Nutella among 5 slices of bread, spreading evenly. Top slices with remaining 5 slices and cut each Nutella sandwich in half so you have ten halves.
3. Beat eggs with cream, vanilla, nutmeg, and salt until uniform in color. Dip each Nutella sandwich in the egg mixture briefly, making sure to coat entire piece. Place sandwiches in the baking pan as they are ready, tilting them slightly onto each other so they are layered like dominos, with the cut side facing the bottom of the pan.
4. Place the baking sheet in the oven and bake for 30-35 minutes until French toast is golden brown and lightly crisp to the touch.
5. While the French toast is baking, heat a small saucepan over medium heat. Add the frozen berries, sugar, butter, orange zest, and orange juice and bring to a boil. Turn down to a gentle simmer and allow to simmer for 15 minutes, until berries are broken down and sauce has thickened slightly. Remove from heat and add fresh berries.
6. Serve French toast directly from oven with berry sauce on top or on the side.

Beef Stroganoff with Buttered Noodles

Short ribs have been on sale a lot lately and I was looking for something to do with them besides braising and BBQ/Smoking them. That’s when I came across this recipe. I like using the bone in ribs because bones means flavor. goes great on mashed potatoes too.

 

 

Total Time: 2 hr. 35 min
Cook: 2 hr. 35 min
Yield: 4 to 6 servings
Level: Easy

 

 

 

Ingredients

4 cloves garlic, roughly chopped, plus 2 cloves, minced
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
Extra-virgin olive oil
1 sprig fresh rosemary, leaves removed
1 large sprig fresh thyme, leaves removed
3 pounds beef short ribs, cut into 2 ribs apiece
1 1/2 pounds cremini mushrooms
1 1/2 pounds white button mushrooms
1/2 cup chopped shallots
1/4 cup cognac
2 cups heavy whipping cream
1 tablespoon Dijon mustard
1/2 cup sour cream
1 pound egg noodles
3 tablespoons unsalted butter
2 tablespoons freshly chopped flat-leaf parsley
2 tablespoons freshly chopped green onions

Directions

Preheat oven to 300 degrees F.

Place the chopped garlic, salt and pepper into a bowl. Add enough extra-virgin olive oil to create a paste. Add the rosemary and thyme leaves to the bowl and stir to combine.
Set short ribs out on a roasting tray and cover with herb paste. Roast in the oven for 2 hours and 30 minutes until they are falling apart.

Heat a large sauté pan over high heat and add a 3-count of olive oil. Add mushrooms and cook for 3 minutes until brown. Add shallots and minced garlic and toss to combine. Season with salt and pepper. Cook for a further 2 minutes until garlic and onion become fragrant. Remove pan from heat and carefully add cognac to deglaze the pan. Return to heat and add cream. Reduce heat and simmer until reduced by half. Turn off heat and stir in Dijon mustard and sour cream. Season with salt and plenty of freshly ground black pepper

Cook egg noodles in salted boiling water according to directions on package. Drain and toss with butter while still hot.

To serve: Pile the noodles high on a plate, top with stroganoff sauce and finish with rib slices. Garnish with fresh parsley and green onions.

Depending on my whim I’ve added chopped fresh ginger, soy sauce & orange juice to the paste and served over Asian noodles or veggie fried rice (Omit the sour cream & stir a tablespoon of cornstarch into the mustard before adding to the pan). I’ve also added Worcestershire sauce, liquid smoke or Franks Cayenne Pepper Sauce. Usually in this case I  remove the bones coarsely chop the meat adding it to the gravy forgoing the noodles in favor of tortillas or toasted rolls and shredded cheese.

Meatloaf Lasagna

 

Total Time: 1 hr. 45 min
Prep: 1 hr.
Cook: 45 min
Yield: 8 servings
Level: Intermediate

 

 

 

Ingredients

Kosher salt
8 sheets dried lasagna noodles (about 6 ounces)
1 tablespoons olive oil, plus more for tossing and greasing
2 cloves garlic, 1 thinly sliced and 1 finely grated
Pinch crushed red pepper flakes
One 14-ounce can whole peeled plum tomatoes, crushed by hand
2 to 3 fresh basil sprigs
5 slices bacon
12 ounces ground beef chuck
12 ounces ground pork
1 cup plain dried breadcrumbs
1/2 small yellow onion, grated
1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley, plus more for garnish
1 tablespoon tomato paste
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
2 large eggs
Freshly ground black pepper
2 cups shredded part-skim mozzarella
1/4 cup grated Parmesan
Ricotta, for serving

Directions

Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Add the lasagna noodles and cook until al dente. Drain and toss with olive oil, to keep them from sticking, and let cool.

Meanwhile, make the tomato sauce. Heat the oil, sliced garlic, red pepper flakes and 1/2 teaspoon salt in a large skillet over medium heat. Stir as the oil heats up; once it shimmers, add the crushed tomatoes, 3/4 cup water and the basil. Bring to a high simmer and cook, stirring occasionally, until the sauce thickens slightly and the water has evaporated, 15 to 20 minutes (will be about 1 cup). Remove from the heat and let cool to room temperature.

Arrange the bacon in a large skillet and cook over medium heat until brown and crispy, 4 to 5 minutes per side. Remove and finely chop when cool enough to handle.
Combine the bacon, beef, pork, breadcrumbs, onion, parsley, grated garlic, tomato paste, Worcestershire sauce, eggs, 1 1/2 teaspoon salt and 1/2 teaspoon black pepper in a large bowl. Use your hands to thoroughly combine.

Adjust an oven rack to the middle position and preheat to 350 degrees F. Line a rimmed baking sheet with foil and brush with oil. Combine the mozzarella and Parmesan.
Shape half of the meatloaf mixture into a 9- by 5-inch rectangle in the center of the prepared baking sheet. Make a slight indentation down the center and fill with 1/2 cup of the cheese mixture. Top with the remaining meatloaf mixture and pat to form a loaf with a slightly rounded top, making sure to pinch and seal the sides.

Top the meatloaf with one-third of the sauce and sprinkle with one-third of the remaining cheese mixture. Lay 4 lasagna noodles, crosswise and slightly overlapping, over the meatloaf, completely covering. Top with another one-third each of sauce and cheese mixture. Repeat with the remaining noodles, sauce and cheese.

Bake until the meatloaf reaches an internal temperature of 165 degrees F, 40 to 45 minutes. Sprinkle with parsley and let cool slightly. Slice and serve with dollops of ricotta.

IF you can by any miracle manage leftovers, this makes a KILLER sandwich the following day stuffed into a split (don’t slice all the way through do it like a hotdog bun) toasted garlic roll. Smear the roll liberally inside with warmed left over tomato sauce place the slice of lasagna meatloaf in the roll carefully top with just a smear of sauce some more cheese and slip it back into the hot oven for about 5 minutes to warm through and melt the cheese. I usually wrap them in parchment paper covered foil before putting in oven because this makes them WAY less messy and easier to eat. Other wise I suggest eating it topless leaning over your kitchen sink with half a roll of paper towels or a hand high stack of napkins handy.

PB&J Tiramisu

An Adult slightly decadent way to use PB & J. Can’t get lady fingers? In a pinch a fresh pound cake sliced thin and trimmed up (no crust) will work. Slice and stack several slices to trim crust and cut to size to make short work of the chore.

 

 

Total Time: 30 min
Prep: 30 min
Yield: 8 to 10 servings
Level: Easy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ingredients

1/2 cup creamy peanut butter
8 ounces cream cheese, at room temperature
1 1/4 cups confectioners’ sugar, plus more for dusting
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup heavy cream
1/2 cup seedless raspberry jam
1/3 cup Framboise (raspberry liqueur) or raspberry juice
14 Italian-style crisp ladyfingers
4 cups raspberries
Shaved chocolate, for topping

Directions

Beat the peanut butter, cream cheese, confectioners’ sugar, vanilla and 1/2 cup cream in a large bowl with a mixer on medium speed until smooth and fluffy, 3 to 4 minutes. Add the remaining 1/2 cup cream and beat until creamy, about 2 more minutes. (Do not overbeat.)

Whisk the jam, framboise and 1/3 cup water in a bowl until smooth. Spread about 3 tablespoons of the jam mixture in a 9-by-5-inch glass loaf pan. Cover with half of the ladyfingers, arranging them lengthwise. Brush with half of the remaining jam mixture. (Don’t worry if it looks like a lot of liquid; the ladyfingers will absorb it as the tiramisu sits.)

Spread half of the peanut butter cream over the ladyfingers. Top with 2 cups raspberries and the remaining ladyfingers. Brush the ladyfingers with the remaining jam mixture and spread the remaining peanut butter cream on top. Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate at least 8 hours.

Uncover the tiramisu and top with the remaining 2 cups raspberries and shaved chocolate.

Dust with confectioners’ sugar [and go put on your fat pants before digging in]

NOW, if you want to REALLY get nuts, you can substitute some or all of the peanut butter for Nutella.

Wait for it…..

Wait…..

THUD!

and there go Ginny’s knees right on cue.

An admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command.

While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The Chief replied, “I’d be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.”

Horrified the Admiral exclaims, “That’s very unhygienic!”

The Chief shrugs and replies, “Well, if that’s the way you feel, Sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts.”

 

Disputing credit report errors could get easier under new rules

The three largest credit reporting agencies will change the way they handle records in a major revamp long sought by consumer advocates.

Disputing a mistake on your credit report could get easier and the effects of medical debt less severe under changes being made by the three largest credit-reporting agencies.

The Monday announcement by the agencies — Equifax, Experian and TransUnion — comes after months of negotiations between the companies and New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman.

Consumer advocates have long sought a revamp that would reduce errors on credit report and make correcting them easier. Data collected by the agencies on hundreds of millions of people are used to create credit scores, which can determine who gets a loan and how much interest is paid on it.

“The nation’s largest reporting agencies have a responsibility to investigate and correct errors on consumers’ credit reports. This agreement will reform the entire industry and provide vital protections for millions of consumers across the country,” Schneiderman said in a statement.

Under the changes announced Monday, people who contest items in their credit reports will receive more information concerning those disputes, including instructions on what they can do if they don’t like the answer they get. In a bid to increase accuracy, medical debts won’t be reported until after a 180-day waiting period to allow time for insurance payments to be applied.

The agencies agreed to remove from credit reports previously reported medical collections that have been or are being paid by insurance companies.

This comes after a move in August by Fair Isaac Corp. (FICO), the company behind the commonly used FICO credit score, in which it announced that medical debt would have a smaller effect on the score. It also said at the time that debts that go to collection agencies and are repaid wouldn’t count against a consumer’s FICO score.

To read the rest of the article click here

 

Homemade Microwave Popcorn – From Scratch

 

 

An Irish Priest is Transferred to Iola, Texas. He rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new East Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
“Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?”

“And the best of the day to yourself. This is Father O’Malley at St. Ann’s Catholic Church. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’ yer lads to take care of the matter.”

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, “Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!”

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Then, Father O’Malley replied, “Aye, ’tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.”

I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call or text.

Don’t look now Impish but I think another one of your books is missing!

When we last left our zero err hero(?) he was sleeping off a meal of owls and no doubt contentedly burping feathers.

Am entertaining job offer from Fafnir, Fafnir, Bahamut & Lung, dragons at law. They tell me it’s mostly just about ateding opposing counsel. Mmmm, lawyers.

Still not sure about this dragons at law thing. Like the idea of hourly billing for ateding enemy lawyers, but less up on whole actually becoming a lawyer thing. Would rather not have to extend professional courtesy to sharks and barracudas in off hours–they’re too nomable.

Ordered the Jumbo Book of Unicorn Recipes—prepared properly they’re supposed to _stay_ digested. Cool bonus, comes with list of puffer-fish side dish preparations. The blackened unicorn with fugu etouffee, looks especially yummy. What could go wrong?

My Jumbo Book of Unicorn Recipes has arrived. It’s published by DRACME so it must be good. Totally gonna pwn that pointy-face horse.

Enchanted Forest Board elections coming up fast. Gryphon opponent ran nasty ad about me so I ated him. Then I got rude questions from reporters about gryphon so I ated them. Really full now. BTW, gryphon tastes like chicken, reporters more like squid. Think it’s the ink.

A gnome replaced the gryphon I ated on the Enchanted Forest ballot. Seems only fair. Turns out I replaced a gnome the gryhpon ated. Am starting to really understand politics.

Thinking about trying pot-pie recipe from pointy-face horse cookbook. Requires unicorn-corer-peeler-slicer for execution. Also unicorn magnet. Wonder where I can get them.

Tiamat’s Witnesses came to door today and tried to get me to convert. Ated them. Tasted awful. Also, roasted whole stack of pamphlets.

Door again. Salesghoul for Beanie Cthulhus. Bought Strawberry Short-Cthulhu, and Rhinestone Cowthulhu. Sparkly!

…Sparkly! Sparkly! Sparkly!

Cat is curled up asleep with beanie Cthulhus—very cute. Unfortunately, is sleeping on wing so I can’t move. Sigh.

Good Morning Gentle Readers,

Before we get things started this morning, it’s only right that we get our priorities in order, putting the most important thing first.  And to that extent, the most important thing I can think of is a report from our dear friend, Lethal Leprechaun:

Thank you Lethal, and thank you God for keeping your hand on your daughter.

As you enter the facility and sit down, order your favorite morning beverage and settle in, you notice a sight on stage that has you a tiny bit confused and even a little concerned.  Right in the front of the stage is a life sized mechanical automaton that looks like Impish Dragon.  It is standing up straight and waving its hand in greeting, and moving from the waist back and forth.  Its lips are moving, but not even close to being in time to the words that are coming out of its mouth.  It is obviously a mechanical creation and not a good one at that.
Good Morning boys and girls, please take a seat and order your drinks and breakfast.  Today’s issue will begin momentarily.  Good Morning boys and girls, please take a seat…
It keeps repeating over and over again.
As you settle in with your beverage and pastry of choice, you look around for any of the familiar faces…Lethal, Diaman, Ginny, Paul, they all seem to be missing.  Before you can ask someone, the repetitious monotony of the mechanical Impish changes.
Good Morning boys and girls, please take a seat and ord…..crick! pop!
Good Morning boy….clunk!
After a pause, the voice picks up again.
Good Morning boys and girls, today’s issue is about pie….and … pi!  Ha! Ha! Ha! Get it? Pie and Pi.  Ha, Ha, ha. The horrible laughter sounds like a toaster being kicked by a kangaroo.  I know, I know…I’m supposed to be facing my addiction, but it’s okay.  I can talk about pie without really having any pie.  Besides, this issue was recorded a while ago in preparation for just this occasion, so while it’s playing, you can rest assured that I am somewhere very safe from any distraction.
A high piercing scream rips through the walls.  Everybody jumps and looks towards the door as the mechanical dragon dud keeps going.
And since it’s March 14th…
The bellowing sound of Impish’s real voice echoes in from the outside hallway.  I’m fine I tell you!  It’s my Saturday!  What could be so wrong about me being here?
You can hear Diaman’s voice trying to calm the dragon, “Impish, I just don’t think this is a good idea after just getting back.”
And Ginny saying, “Just listen to Diaman…”
And Paul, “Impish old buddy…”
And the real  Impish again, “What the hell is wrong with all of you?  Get out of my way!”
And Lethal, obviously speaking into a radio or a cell phone, “…the sedation crew. Code 1!  I repeat Code 1!  Yes, to the auditorium.”
And the mechanical Impish, “…3.1415 so you see…”
And the sound of the real Impish again, “Diaman, Ginny, ladies.  What could possibly be so …”
Mechanical Impish adds, “And with that… TA DA!”
Several things happen simultaneously; As the mechanical impish throws up his mechanical arms, the ceiling opens and thousands of pies, big ones, little ones, tarts, apple pie, pecan pie, cherry pie, every pie you could ever imagine, comes floating down from the ceiling on little balloons, as well as pi signs and shapes of all sizes and colors.  Lights are flashing, and people are applauding.  At the exact same time, the real Impish dragon bursts through the front doors with Ginny holding one arm and Diaman holding the other; Paul is standing in front and Lethal is in the back, motioning towards others coming down the hall.
As the doors slam open to the sides of the room, everything goes silent.  All you hear is the breathing of the blue dragon, and the sound of balloon floating pies lightly hitting the floor.
Just as the moment couldn’t get any more tense, Impish throws his head back and roars with laughter just as Lethal motions with his hand and you hear the sounds of several shots being fired.  Slowly Impish stops laughing, his eyes roll up in his head and he falls face first to the floor.
Surprisingly, his face lands in several apple pies, as if arrayed in just that spot.  Once he’s down you notice several darts sticking up out of his back and Lethal bringing in Dr. Ben T. Needle,  the corporations personal vet.
The mechanical impish, in the silence repeats, “TA DA!” at which point lethal pulls a wicked looking pistol from his waist and shoots the mechanical dragon in the face.  The head explodes and the metal behemoth falls over on its side.  He whispers in Diaman’s ear and as the men, under the vet’s watchful eye start to remove Impish from the room, snoring softly in his pie, Diaman approaches the mic and says, “Dear friends.  It seems as though our blue dragon is going to be indisposed for a short while, so Lethal asked if I wouldn’t mind wrapping up the opening statements and getting you started on today’s issue.”
She glances down disgustedly at the mechanical dragon that has begun to stink and smoke a little bit.
Well, as this thing started to say, today is international Pi Day.
Impish called it a “Special Pi” day because Pi Day is celebrated every March 14th since the first 3 digits of pi are 3.14 today is extra special since the next 2 digits are 15 and that matches up with our date very nicely.  3.1415 is March 14, 15.  Taking it one step further, at 9:26:53 am this morning, it will be the perfect pi time or 3.141592653….Which, you will all notice, is not that far away.  So, while we wait for that time to arrive, why don’t you all start on today’s Pi/Pie centric issue and enjoy.

 

Pi Day is an annual celebration commemorating the mathematical constant π (pi). Pi Day is observed on March 14 (or 3/14 in the month/day date format), since 3, 1, and 4 are the first three significant digits of π in decimal form. In 2009, the United States House of Representatives supported the designation of Pi Day.^[2]

Pi Approximation Day is observed on July 22 (or 22/7 in the day/month date format), since the fraction ²²⁄₇ is a common approximation of π, which is accurate to three decimal places and dates from Archimedes.^[3]

A sequential time will occur on 3/14/15 at 9:26:53 following the sequence of pi.

History

The earliest known official or large-scale celebration of Pi Day was organized by Larry Shaw in 1988 at the San Francisco Exploratorium,^[4] where Shaw worked as a physicist,^[5] with staff and public marching around one of its circular spaces, then consuming fruit pies.^[6] The Exploratorium continues to hold Pi Day celebrations.^[7]

On March 12, 2009, the U.S. House of Representatives passed a non-binding resolution (HRES 224),^[2] recognizing March 14, 2009 as National Pi Day.^[8]

For Pi Day 2010, Google presented a Google Doodle celebrating the holiday, with the word Google laid over images of circles and pi symbols.^[9]

The entire month of March 2014 (3/14) has been observed by some to be “Pi Month”.^[10][11]

In the year 2015, Pi Day will have special significance on 3/14/15 at 9:26:53 a.m. and p.m., with the date and time representing the first 10 digits of π.^[12] That same second will also contain a precise instant corresponding to all of the digits of π.^[13] However, some argue that 9:26:54 a.m. and p.m. on 3/14/15 are more accurate because of the 11th digit of π being 5, which would cause the 10th digit to round up to 4.^[14]

Observance

Pi Day has been observed in many ways, including eating pie, throwing pies and discussing the significance of the number π.^[1] Some schools hold competitions as to which student can recall Pi to the highest number of decimal places.^[15][16]

Massachusetts Institute of Technology has often mailed its application decision letters to prospective students for delivery on Pi Day.^[17]Starting in 2012, MIT has announced it will post those decisions (privately) online on Pi Day at exactly 6:28 pm, which they have called “Tau Time”, to honor the rival numbers Pi and Tau equally.^[18][19]

The town of Princeton, New Jersey, hosts numerous events in a combined celebration of Pi Day and Albert Einstein‘s birthday, which is also March 14.^[20] Einstein lived in Princeton for more than twenty years while working at the Institute for Advanced Study. In addition to pie eating and recitation contests, there is an annual Einstein look-alike contest.^[21]

 And….believe it or not, there is a real, honest to goodness Pie Day.  By my way of thinking, it ought to be today, but then that would probably be too confusing.

American Pie Council

And how about some more PI stuff?

π has a long and interesting history!

 That the ratio of the circumference to the diameter of a circle is constant (namely, pi) has been recognized for as long as we have written records.

A ratio of 3:1 appears in the following biblical verse:

And he made a molten sea, ten cubits from the one brim to the other: it was round all about, and his height was five cubits: and a line of thirty cubits did compass it about. (I Kings 7, 23; II Chronicles 4, 2.)

The ancient Babylonians generally calculated the area of a circle by taking 3 times the square of its radius (=3), but one Old Babylonian tablet (from ca. 1900-1680 BCE) indicates a value of 3.125 for pi.

Ancient Egyptians calculated the area of a circle by the following formula (where d is the diameter of the circle):

This yields an approximate value of 3.1605 for pi.

---

The first theoretical calculation of a value of pi was that of Archimedes of Syracuse (287-212 BCE), one of the most brilliant mathematicians of the ancient world. Archimedes worked out that 223/71 <  < 22/7. Archimedes’s results rested upon approximating the area of a circle based on the area of a regular polygon inscribed within the circle and the area of a regular polygon within which the circle was circumscribed.

 

Beginning with a hexagon, he worked all the way up to a ploygon with 96 sides!

 

---

Archimedes’s method for approximating the value of pi.

(Source: http://www.math.psu.edu/dna/graphics.html#archimedes)

The approximate area of the circle lies between the areas of the circumscribed and the inscribed hexagons.

 

 

 

 

 

 

---

More pi history:

European mathematicians in the early modern period developed new arithmetical formulae to approximate the value of pi, such as that of James Gregory (1638-1675), which was taken up by Leibniz:

 

π/4 = 1 – 1/3 + 1/5 – 1/7 + . . . . . . . . . . .

 

One problem with using this formula to calculate the value of pi is that you would have to add 5 million terms to work out a value of /4 that extends to 6 or 7 decimal places!

---

In 1706, another mathematician named John Machin developed a refinement on Gregory’s formula, yielding the formula still used today by computer programmers to compute pi:

 

 

Using this formula, an Englishman named William Shanks calculated pi to 707 places, a labor of many years, which he published in 1873. (Only 527 places were correct, however!)

---

The symbol for pi:

was introduced by the British mathematician William Jones in 1706, who wrote:

3.14159 = 

This symbol was adopted by Euler in 1737 and became the standard symbol for pi.

 

 

And from my brother, the Owl, we get this addition to the last message…

 

 

 

On the USA Network show “Psych” the digits of Pi are painted around the trim of a crazy perpetrator’s bedroom. Shawn & Gus look creeped out. I’m sure they catch the guy.

Even the logic of Spock is overwhelmed when he considers pi….. or is it maybe pie?

 

 

 

**********   AN IMPORTANT SAFETY MESSAGE   **********

The older you get, the more important it is to protect your nose from the sun.

 

 

Ginny wrote to us with some wonderful news about what a lucky day she was having…

I won a Nigerian lottery according to an email from a Nigerian prince.   He holds the sum of ONE MILLION DOLLARS in my name and he wants to send it to me FREE!   All I have to do is give him my bank account numbers and send him $500.00 US dollars cash, to show my good faith so he can transfer the money!   And then I got ANOTHER email.

It’s from a KENYAN prince who wants to give me FREE healthcare for life!

All I have to do is give him:

my BANK ACCOUNT NUMBERS,

MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER

MY CONFIDENTIAL HEALTH INFORMATION

and pay $700 per month for a policy with only a $10,000. deductible.

Then he can make it happen!

I’m sure he can…

Ginny also sent us this belated Valentine’s Day Story…

Little Thelma’s Valentine…

Little Thelma came home from first grade and told her father that they had learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.

And, “Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” she asked, “will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?”

Thelma’s father thought a bit, then said  “No, I don’t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?”

“The ISIS terrorists,” she said.

“Why the ISIS terrorists?” her father asked in shock.

“Well,” she said, “I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give the terrorists a valentine, they might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to the terrorists, they’d love everyone a lot.

And then they’d start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved us and how they didn’t hate anyone anymore.”

Though skeptical of the idea, her father’s heart swelled and he looked at his daughter with newfound pride. ” Thelma, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard.”

“I know,” Thelma said, “and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of them!”

 

And that my friends, brings us to the end of today’s issue.  Oh how I pie-ne away wishing it could have gone on forever,…

But it can’t…

So this is the end…

Now, go eat some pie.

Cheers!

As you enter the first thing you spot is Lethal sitting on the edge of the stage. He is haggard and decidedly less natty than his usual wont. His coat lays discarded to one side, his tie loosened and shirt color is undone. The shirt on contrast to his always freshly pressed Irish Linen appears well wrinkled and possibly slept in. He’s apparently engaged in serious conversation with some of the patrons appearing somber and far less animated than his normal self.

As soon as you take your seat he weakly smiles at the Patrons before standing to address you all.

Good morning. Thank you all for coming. Let me say first of all that my appearance and demeanor have nothing to do with Impish. A last communication with him everything was going about as we expected. The ‘Visual Anti Addiction Distractions’ I sent with him appear to be working well… (coughing and mumbling) thanks to the subliminal messages I hid in them.

Ahem..uh… I’m going to be honest. This issue is not my best work. Hell it’s likely not even in my best 275 issues. It and my appearance are due to a personal family issue. While Molly and I have known about the issue for sometime recently information came to light which caused the issue to be of much greater concern and made correcting it an immediate priority. I apologize for being vague about the situation but I am deliberately being obtuse out of respect for Molly’s privacy.

It will suffice to say that Molly learned last Tuesday that the correction of this serious issue could be dealt with tomorrow and elected to proceed. While I supported her decision this seriously compressed our time table for preparing for the aftermath of this situation domestically as well as our professional work schedules and increased our desire for time spent together. As a result something had to give and it was the amount of time I was able to devote to the blog. generally I spend about 24 man hours putting an issue together. This one will have gone together in roughly 4 to 6.

Depending on what new information we learn after the issue gets dealt with tomorrow, how well Molly tolerates things and deals with it once back home will determine if you get another second rate issue next week or no issue at all. I am trying to start one now (Friday 3/6) while I have a moment because I’ll be very busy most of the weekend but I have no way of knowing if I will have the time to complete it between now and then.

In the interest of full disclosure and looking at all the possibilities, there is a worst case scenario in all of this where Molly doesn’t do well and I don’t come back at all.

Let me thank you in advance in anticipation off all the comments of prayers offered as well as support & well wishes for Molly & myself. Please understand if I do not publically acknowledge, respond to or thank you for them. I’m not being stand offish callous mean or curmudgeonly, it’s just that my priorities are and have to be elsewhere.

Since I’m touching on priorities I have to announce that for the first time in over 25 years I will not be observing Saint Patrick’s Day in my accustom manner. The Legendary Lethal Leprechaun St. Patrick’s Day 17 Irish Pub in 17 Countries in 17 Hours Pub Crawl is hereby canceled. There will be no St Patrick’s Day issue this year.

While the problem is Molly’s and I cannot begin to imagine how it is for her facing it, personally I’d rather charge an ISIS stronghold butt naked armed with a plastic knife sporting a Star of David tattoo on my chest and a depiction of Mohammad on my ass than to have to go through this with her and support her. Not that I would ever consider not being there and supporting her 110% but it literally scares the crap out of me where as the ISIS situation would merely have me a tad on edge. I’ll take an enemy I can confront even if the odds are overwhelmingly against me to one I am powerless to fight or have any effect on any day. The absolute worst thing you can do to me is render me impotent and helpless in any given situation, especially when my family and friends are involved. It literally eats me up inside and signs of this are already manifesting themselves.

Impish is aware of the situation and will likely have an update for you come Saturday on both Molly and I as well as what you might expect from me and when.

Speaking of the Dragon, he is currently expected to return home in  sufficient time for next Saturday’s issue. Though his voice message has caused me some unease as he seems to have some ‘perfect pie’ related theme planned for his return issue.

Finally, before you get to the disappointing non-substantive issue let me remind you that our second of three Friday the Thirteenths for this year is a scant 2 days hence. This time it’s followed two days later by the Ides of March. Sadly there seems to have been a run on rabbits feet, shamrocks and luck tokens in general so I am unable to offer you any to combat any possible ill effects. I suggest unplugging, turning off and remaining in bed from Thursday night until Tuesday morning as you best option for defense. This not only avoids Friday (the 13th #2) and Sunday (the Ides) but gets you past ‘OMG! It’s Monday again- GROAN!’ and right into St Patrick’s Day where I would expect you all to make an attempt at picking up my slack this year.

<blowing his nose and wiping his eyes with a large shamrock patterned handkerchief>

I  thank you for you kind attention.

 

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

‘Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!’

‘I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there!’

‘If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!’ she replied. ‘He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!’

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude?’ one asked.

‘Oh yes!’ he replied, gasping in air. ‘It feels so wonderfully free!’

Another runner moved a long side. ‘Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?’

‘Oh, yes’ our friend answered breathlessly. ‘That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!’

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, ‘Do you always wear a condom when you run?’

‘Nope . . . just when it’s raining

 

Leonard Nimoy – Highly Illogical

 

Chicken Stew

Total Time: 50 min
Prep: 10 min
Inactive: 5 min
Cook: 35 min
Yield: 4 to 6 servings
Level: Easy

 

 

 

Ingredients

2 tablespoons olive oil
2 stalks celery, cut into bite-size pieces
1 carrot, peeled, cut into bite-size pieces
1 small onion, chopped
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
1 (14 1/2-ounce) can chopped tomatoes
1 (14-ounce) can low-salt chicken broth
1/2 cup fresh basil leaves, torn into pieces
1 tablespoon tomato paste
1 bay leaf
1/2 teaspoon dried thyme leaves
2 chicken breast with ribs (about 1 1/2 pounds total)
1 (15-ounce) can organic kidney beans, drained (rinsed if not organic)
Serving suggestion: crusty bread

Directions

Heat the oil in a heavy 5 1/2-quart saucepan over medium heat. Add the celery, carrot, and onion. Sauté the vegetables until the onion is translucent, about 5 minutes. Season with salt and pepper, to taste. Stir in the tomatoes with their juices, chicken broth, basil, tomato paste, bay leaf, and thyme. Add the chicken breasts; press to submerge.
Bring the cooking liquid to a simmer. Reduce the heat to medium-low and simmer gently uncovered until the chicken is almost cooked through, turning the chicken breasts over and stirring the mixture occasionally, about 25 minutes. Using tongs, transfer the chicken breasts to a work surface and cool for 5 minutes. Discard the bay leaf. Add the kidney beans to the pot and simmer until the liquid has reduced into a stew consistency, about 10 minutes.
Discard the skin and bones from the chicken breasts. Shred or cut the chicken into bite- size pieces. Return the chicken meat to the stew. Bring the stew just to a simmer. Season with salt and pepper, to taste.

Lentil Salad

Ingredients

1¼ cups lentils
6 cups water
½ red onion, finely diced
½ red bell pepper, finely diced
1 tablespoon minced garlic
1 lime, juiced
1 ear corn, kernels removed, raw
¼ bunch cilantro, chopped
1 tablespoon chili powder
¼ cup rice wine vinegar
1 teaspoon cumin
½ teaspoon cayenne pepper
1 teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon pepper

In a saucepan, place water and raw lentils and bring to a boil. Stir lentils to avoid sticking and reduce heat to a simmer. Allow to simmer for 15 minutes covered or until tender. Remove lentils and strain running cold water over them. Place in a medium mixing bowl and add cut vegetables and spices to the lentils. Season with vinegar, lime juice, salt and pepper. Toss well to ensure evenly mixed and chill for later. Serves 4 as a side dish.

36 Creative Cleaning Hacks To Get Your House Spiffy In A Jiffy

Hate cleaning? These time-saving tricks will be helpful next time you move. Or people are coming over.

http://news.distractify.com/beth-buczynski/creative-cleaning-hacks/

Sounds like the Government & Military

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says, ‘Male or female?’

Customer says, ‘Female.’

Counter guy asks, ‘Black or white?

Customer says, ‘White.’

Counter guy asks, ‘Christian or Muslim?’

Customer says, ‘What the hell does religion have to do with it?’

Counter guy says, ‘The Muslim one blows itself up.’

 

Pigs, Lipstick and Islam

 

Think we’re making mountains out of turbans here you liberal loons in the wood work (we know you’re there)? Consider this story then:

Writer and social critic Avijit Roy

Born in Bangladesh, Avijit studied in Singapore and worked as a mechanical engineer in the United States, where he also became a citizen, living in Georgia. He was also a writer and social critic. His Bangladeshi blog, Mukto-Mona (“free mind”), served the country’s rationalists, skeptics, and freethinkers — and provided space for counter-arguments. His ideas met firm resistance: Bangladesh is a secular state, but its population is 90 percent Muslim. “Avijit Roy lives in America,” wrote Bangladeshi Muslim Farabi Shafiur Rahman in an online post. “So it’s not possible to kill him now. But when he returns home, he will be killed then.” It was just one of many threats. Avijit always defied such threats, so he and his wife went to Bangladesh to attend the Ekushey Book Fair in the capital city of Dhaka to speak about his latest two books, Obisshahser Dorshon (The Philosophy of Disbelief) and Biswasher Virus (The Virus of Faith), which were critically well received and popular in the country. After leaving the fair, Avijit and his wife were pulled out of a pedicab by several men and hacked with machetes; despite it being on the street in the crowded city, no one came to their aid. Avijit was killed, and his wife severely injured. Minutes after the attack, police say, Rahman posted photos of the scene online, and has been arrested for murder.

“Let’s not be mistaken about why Avijit was killed,” said Bangladeshi-British journalist Alom Shaha: “he said and wrote things some people didn’t like. There will be more such killings. More people will die because they say, write or draw things that other people don’t like. More people will die until we are all united in stating unequivocally that anyone who commits such atrocities is entirely in the wrong, that it is unjustifiable to kill people who ‘offend’ you, that blasphemy is a ridiculous notion and that no one should ever, ever be killed for ‘insulting’ a religion or drawing a cartoon.” The Dhaka Tribune editorialized that Avijit wrote “books on science and religion that forcefully pointed out the inadequacy of religions to stand up to enlightenment, science, and humanism,” which “inspired tens of thousands of curious minds to know more about the beauty and wonders of science and to be bold enough to question religious dogmas that fail to stand up to reason.” And that’s the problem, it continued: their inadequacy is the “source of insecure rage of the religious fundamentalists; they cannot counter him with words and reason.” Avijit was hacked to death on February 26 for openly promoting reason and thought; he was 42.

Sources: http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/mar/02/avijit-roy-hacked-to-death-bangladesh-dhaka-religion-free-speech  http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-31690514

NOW, flap them liberal-touchy-feelie’’-“Can’t-we-all just-get-along?” butt cheeks you talk out of about ‘the religion of peace’ for me again!

 

 

When we last left our zero err hero(?) he had been completely tuckered out after a long day and barely managed to complete his diary entry before falling asleep face down in it.

Have decided to ated pointy-face horse. Am thinking of buying DRACME. rocket-propelled unicorn net for job. Thoughts?

Stupid cat vetoed DRACME rocket-propelled unicorn net as “dangerously silly.” Am thinking about alternate plans. Suggestions?

Considering opening bring your own fire restaurant for dragons, calling it Hot Knight Out.

Have acquired the perfect bait for catching pointy-face horse. It will be mine. Oh yes, it will be mine. And I will ated it.

Need cat-sized princess dress, plus fairie wings and very small strap-on golden unicorn horn. No reason.

Dress never showed up, am going to have to paint cat to look like a virgin-unicorn-fairy-princess-bait for pointy-face horse.

Needed to get large nose-shaped bandage this morning. Had to tell clerk, “No I don’t want to talk about it.” And then, “Bugger off.” When that didn’t work, I ated him.

Perhaps looking at pointy-face horse problem wrong. I’m a dragon, it’s a variety of lunch. I just need to pounce and ated it. Keep things simple.

Ateding pointy-face horse much less fun than wanting to ated it. Tasted like burnt rainbows and soggy glitter. Also, is being very hard to digest.

Rainbows! Oh. My. Dragon. God! Rainbows are coming out of my butt! Stinky rainbows! Stinky! Stinky! Stinky! This is soooo not Sparkly!

OMDG! The rainbow is bubbling and boiling. Something is rising out of it! This is seriously not Sparkly!

Hate stupid pointy-face horse. Has risen from the rainbow-ashes of my lunch like horror-show phoenix…only with horn on head.

Stomach still upset from stupid pointy face horse. Slept the day away, but now up to plot my revenge!

Have been nominated for Enchanted Forest Board of Governors by shoe elf. Ated elf, but did it too late. Already on ballot. [Note: a ‘shoe elf’ is the Dragon language term for a Leprechaun. I was not aware of this incident in Impish past. From now on this ‘shoe elf’ will make it his personal mission to insure every pair of shoe Impish gets for his human form are uncomfortable in revenge for this affront!]

May have to ated polling station.

Cat talked me out of ateding polling station, says ateding should be reserved for actual polti…polict…polst…elected people.

Still not happy about this whole politics thing, but cat is starting to convince me. Says I should see it as Enchanted Forest (Smorgas)Board of Governors and to think of public service aspects of ateding widely among forest dwellers ruling class.

Dwarf from Enchanted Forest builders association came by with voter guide poll. Also offered gold to help with my campaign if they liked my answers on question about new development projects. I ated him.

Cat says I did it wrong, you’re supposed to take the bribe _before_ eating the bagman. I say it’ll all come out in the end. Either way, I get Sparklys.

Ated a potential constituent today. Gnome came to cave. Thoughted he was trying to sell garden services. Bad election strategy, but he was delicious. Does that make it all right?

Gremlins brought me new iPhone that they “liberated” as a propitiatory gift. Sparkly, till it rang—phone company, with bill. So I ated phone, also ated gremlins.

Taking a break from the political thing, went knight hunting. Ated one sushi style and hung the rest in the smokehouse.

Woke up to cave full of owls. Like fluffy who’s who convention. Ated them. Went back to sleep. Stupid owls.

After Impish Dragon’s departure from headquarters on Wednesday, he moved slowly down the hall, to his office in the complex of DL&LL Electronic Media, LLC to retrieve the papers and reports that he will need for his meeting with Queen Tiamat, the dragon matriarch for all dragonkind. 

Tiamat is a supremely strong and powerful draconic goddess.  She is not only queen, but mother of evil dragons.  Also known as the Chromatic Dragon, due to her five, different colored heads (one for each of the five evil dragon races, with accompanying powers of each) in just one of her many dragon incarnations.  Most dragons have only one incarnation, but some, like our Impish, has two.  Very few have three; and none, other than Tiamat have ever displayed more than three.  Not surprisingly, Tiamat’s incarnations have never been numbered.

The Queen, also has other duties, other than ruling dragonkind.  She is the ruler of Avernus, the first layer of the Nine Hells.  She has also been known to manifest as a dark-haired human sorceress.

This creature is to who Impish Dragon is preparing to present himself to.  Impish Dragon is the Queen’s ambassador to humankind and has functioned as ambassador-at-large to most of the mythical,  magical and ordinary species of the realms.  Today, he was going to have to defend himself and his actions over the last several months and answer the charges of pie addiction and incompetence in the face of being captured and tortured by A.S.S *** led by the A.S.S.H.A.T.s****.

Impish glances at the clock on the wall and mumbles, “Calm down Impish.  You’ve got time.  Make sure you have ALL the papers you may need and all the documentation that Lethal provided for you.  Damn! I really wish I had a pie right now…just to take the edge off.”

He sighs, pulls the rest of the papers he needs off his desk and shoves them into an already jam packed leather valise.  He looks wistfully around his office, “I sure hope I can come back here.  Maybe not as Ambassador, but at least with all my dragon powers intact.  I could still co-manage DL&LL…I am the original founder, after-all.  But she could take all that away…and more.”

A small blue tear slides down his scaled cheek.  As he scrubs it away he mutters, “Damn allergies!” And exits the office.

Striding down the hallway towards the portal chamber, he again has the overwhelming urge for pie. “Hey!  Lethal said that if I got too antsy, I cold open this application on my iPhone and it would help.”  He slows his travel through the tunnels and hallways as he taps on his phone. “He said it would be different as I needed help with my thoughts, so let’s see what it gives me this time.” As he hits the icon a small picture pops up on his screen

Laughing uproariously, he tucks the phone back into his pocket and enters the portal chamber.

Turning to Terence, he says, “Are the controls set for the Imperial Castle?”

The only answer he receives is a nod and a hand extended pointing toward the swirling mists inside the stone surrounded opening.

Without a word, he lifts his chin, sets his shoulders and steps through the portal.  He immediately stumbles into the other side due to not being able to see his own feet with his chin lifted and his shoulders set.  Pulling himself together on the far side of the kingdom, he looks around, hoping no one has seen his misstep.  When he lifts his head, he is struck by the awe-inspiring sight before him.

The Castle of the Dragon Queen:

Eventually, he reaches the massive gates that enclose the entrance the great castle.  He lifts the horned door-knocker, realizing too late that the horns are the tusks of some huge beast.  As he gasps and lets them fall, a dull boom echoes through the door.

A small panel slides open above his head and a green dragon head pops out, “Whatcha Want!  Oh…hi … uh Impish.  You’re here to see the queen, right?  Well, come right in, come right in, she’s expecting you.  You are to go immediately to the throne room and report.  Good luck, pal.  She’s in an even more evil mood than usual.”

Impish smiles weakly and proceeds through the castle front hall.  All the dragons on guard duty come to attention, and as one, turn and face their back to him.

“I really need pie.  I need pie.  I need pie.  I need pie.  I better check that phone app again.”

When Impish presses the button on his phone the app opens and he see’s:

He stands there mesmerized mumbling, “pie, I really … need  …. pie … I … really … need … boobies … I … really … wow …. boobies!  I really need boobies…”

After gazing at his phone for an inordinate amount of time, another functionary dragon approaches him and says, “Um… Mr. Ambassador, right this way, please.  The Queen will see you now.”

“Ah… yeah.” He puts his phone away, the thought of pie completely gone from his mind.  “Let’s get this done.  It were breast … or um… best done quickly.”

As he continues down the hall, his confidence returned, he strides to the huge doors which swing open upon his approach.  Without slowing, he continues into the throne room where his Queen is waiting for him at the far end.

Impish strides to the far end of the throne room, stops at the proper, respectful distance, comes to one knee, bows his head, with his fist striking his left breast and states, “Your highness, Ambassador Impish Dragon, reporting as ordered.”

Tiamat stares down at the small blue dragon, who has chosen his second, smaller dragon form, for what seems like hours to Impish, but perhaps is no more than a minute.

“So!  You have finally decided to answer my summons!  And you DARE to present yourself to me as a lesser peer?!  Prostrate yourself before me as the sniveling worm that you are!”

Impish, with his head bent and wings slightly unfurled, sneaks his phone out of his pocket and presses the app again

His nerve restored, he lifts his gaze and meets his queen’s and says, “Until such time as I am officially removed from office, I AM your ambassador and as such, will present myself in this manner as your Royal Highness’s importance demands.”

The Queen’s eyes widen and smoke seeps from her nostrils and she raises her head and roars, “ALL OF YOU, LEAVE MY PRESENCE!  CLOSE THE CHAMBER ON YOUR WAY OUT AND I WILL DEAL WITH THIS BLUE DRAGON!!!”

The guards and functionaries and clerks and others scramble over each other in a rush to get out of the chamber as quickly as possible.

As the door slams shut at the other end of the room, Queen Tiamat leans down her long neck, locking her gaze eye-to-eye with Impish Dragon, and quietly says, “Now, what is it you were saying?”

A lot of people see these types of things and think they are statues of dragons and monuments on buildings.  Actually, they are real dragons that have allowed themselves to be caught by humans and they have to “freeze” and pretend they are statues and part of the building to avoid detection.  If you were to go by this same building the next day, likely the dragon would be gone, having taken the opportunity to fly off while no one was looking.

 

I think this is a marvelous idea and one that should be adopted in the US.

 

This is so true!  Which is why female spies are so much more effective than males.

This is the same basic ploy as my enemies providing me with drugged pies to get what they want.  A tried and true method of achieving evil goals.

Damn!  No wonder my shirts look so bad….

Ain’t Karma a bitch!

This is Lois.  She’s in admin and is responsible for the new students that register for the school.  She has that look on her face because most of our students are the children of employees and our employees are… well … let’s just say that they are a diverse bunch.

I’m relatively confident in saying that, as a country, we are way better off with Bill Murray pursuing his career in comedy rather than his potential as a doctor.

Let’s be thankful that more professions don’t offer similar guarantees.  For instance…
Satisfaction Guaranteed or:
Surgeons – Your tumor back
Dentists – Your cavity dug back out
Plumbers – your kitchen filled back up with water…
You get the idea.

And the really incredibly sad part is….that if the company were sold off, it still wouldn’t be enough to cover our national debt!

Okay, let’s do a fast brace of cartoons that are definitely politically incorrect

and that’s all the excuse you’ll ever get from me!  I know some of you think I’m wrong for picking on Obama and the current Ass-ministration, but I also know that most of you who speak publically about me that way, privately feel the same way and also laughed at the previous cartoons.  If not….then it’s time for you to

Dang!  Maybe I should’ve given that recipe over to Lethal for his Celtic Cooking….nah.  Probably not his style.

Okay, back to more unusual facts:

I wonder if our old friend Paul was 14 in 1838?

Why doesn’t this surprise me? 

Sigh!  There’s got to be a way I can eat the cat and not piss off the humans.

 

Get away!!  GET AWAY!!!!  AAAAaaaahhhhh!!!!

 

Ha, ha, ha!  You can’t eat me! You can’t eat me!  The humans will get rid of you quicker than you can blink!

 

Oh dear, dear, dear!  You’re not going out wearing THAT, are you?

 

The CAT beacon has been set off and it’s up to SUPER CAT to dive into his secret tunnel that leads him to his underground CAT LAIR!  To the FELINE MOBILE!

 

A child asked his father, “How were people born?”

Well, let’s hope we can make better decisions than 2200 mice…. um …. well, thinking about the current administration… maybe not.

Egads!  That’s so life like it’s frightening!

 

And women will still bitch about men leaving the seat up!

 

This is a very popular hobby.  I know lots of people who enjoy this hobby.

 

Yup, see the above motivational picture…

 

You know… I like sex just as much, if not more so than the next guy.  But there are some lines that just can’t be crossed!!!

 

Now THAT, is another great idea!

 

 

“So, Impish, I’m glad we had this conversation.  I’m satisfied with your explanations and accountings, so long as you remember the deal we made.”

The two dragons sat opposite each other at a little lattice worked metal table  in a small garden bordered on a wild forest outside of the castle.  Impish was in his human form, sipping a hot coffee while Tiamat was in her human form, drinking tea.

“I will discuss it all with my partner, Lethal and we will let you know what we decide.”

“Oh yes.  The Leprechaun.  And what will you do if he decides not to back your play?”

“You let me worry about that.  He is NOT part of the deal for you one way or the other.  He is MY partner, MY friend and is not, will not be involved or manipulated by you in any way.”

“As you wish, Impish.  Now, I’m afraid it’s time for me to return to my duties.”  Tiamat stood up, walked around the small table and leaned forward to whisper into Impish’s ear. “Take care of yourself my stalwart dragon.  You are very important to me.”  Cupping his chin with her hand, she turns his head, kissed him deeply on the lips, turned and left.

Impish sighed and swallowed the last of his coffee, turned into his large dragon self and flew off into the darkening sky.