Leprechaun here Campers~

I had a brilliant idea yesterday, brilliance and ideas being my forte rather than the Dragon’s and after confiring with the Dragon he decided upon due and careful consideration (read that half an hour in the Little Dragon’s Room with a copy of Mad magazine) to give my idea a try. I’m going to do the heavy lifting with regard to assembling issues and he’s going to be responsible for the opening comments. This makes things easier on both of us and he doesn’t have as much to do and I don’t have to struggle with opening remarks which I find difficult. We’ll still probably be sticking to my original plan of an every other day posting with slightly longer posts however.

So without further preamble I give you the founder of DragonLaffs our C.P.O. (Chief Pontificating Officer), ImpishDragon!

Good Morning campers!

We hope everyone is doing well or as well as can be expected on a cold and windy Thursday.
What?  You say it’s not cold and windy where you are?  Well, isn’t that odd.  And here I thought that where ever I was, was the center of the world and all other places derived from there.  Hmm….I’ll have to give that some thought.  That alone ought to take most of a day.
I wish to thank EVERYONE (and I do mean about everyone) for all the wonderfully kind messages and emails sent on my behalf.  Right now I don’t know anything more than I did the last time I wrote you.  I’m just waiting on the doctor to get a hold of me and set up an appointment.  The good news is….or would seem that the longer it takes them to make me an appointment, the less likely it is to be important.
Nah!
They’re just screwin’ with me!
LOL.
Anyway, what do you say, we get on with the laughter and jokes?

 

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

“I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”

“Very good, Jenny,” said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn.

The teacher held her breath …

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467,” he said.

“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”

“Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny.

“Toothbrushes!” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?”

“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.”

They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like dog poop!”

Then I would say,”It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”

“I used the progressive liberal government’s strategy of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get that taste out of your mouth.”

 

 

The 100 MPH Goat

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The  first hunter says, “Wow, that’s some hole; I can’t even see the bottom; wunder how deep it is.”

The  second redneck says,” I don’t know, let’s throw somethin’ in, then listen and see how long it takes to hit  bottom.”

The  first guy says, “There’s an old transmission over there in the grass, give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and see”.

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, two, three, and throw it in the hole.

They’re standing by the hole listening and looking over the edge, and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head  first.

While standing there looking at each other and looking in the hole trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

“Say there,” says the farmer, “you fellers didn’t happen to see a goat around here anywhere, did you?”

One of the rednecks says, ” Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!”

The old farmer says, “That’s impossible, I had him tied to an old transmission!”.

 

 

 I’m guessing Zack is none too happy abut all the competition for a daily groaner because I have received quite a few from him. In truth I practically had to steal Mr. Peabody’s Way Back Machine to find the last time we used one of his. He’s brought his A game to the table this time though!

A university professor is lecturing a class, the subject for the day being the mating habits of the alligator. The professor says, “The female alligator lays three million four hundred thousand eggs at one time. The male alligator eats three million, three hundred and ninety-five of those eggs.”
From the back of the room, a student raises his hand and asks, “Sir, why does the male alligator eat all those eggs?”
The professor answers, “Because if he didn’t, we’d be up to our asses in alligators!”

President Barack Obama said in Turkey : “We do not consider ourselves a Christian nation or a Jewish nation or a Muslim nation. We consider ourselves a nation of citizens who are bound by ideals and a set of values.”

I  found this, (if not like most of the things that spill from his lips ill informed and grossly misstated) very interesting .
Do you know the Preamble for your state?

Alabama 1901, Preamble We the people of the State of   Alabama , invoking the favor and guidance of Almighty God, do ordain and establish the following Constitution.

Alaska 1956, Preamble We, the people of   Alaska , grateful to God and to those who founded our nation and pioneered this great land.

Arizona 1911, Preamble We, the people of the State of  Arizona , grateful to Almighty God for our liberties, do ordain this Constitution. 

Arkansas 1874, Preamble We, the people of the State of   Arkansas , grateful to Almighty God for the privilege of choosing our own form of government.. .

California 1879, Preamble We, the People of the State of   California , grateful to Almighty God for our freedom…

Colorado 1876, Preamble We, the people of   Colorado , with profound reverence for the Supreme Ruler of Universe….

Connecticut 1818, Preamble.. The People of Connecticut , acknowledging with gratitude the good Providence of God in  permitting them to enjoy.

Delaware 1897, Preamble Through Divine Goodness all men have, by nature, the rights of worshiping and serving their Creator according to the dictates of their consciences. ..

Florida 1885, Preamble We, the people of the State of   Florida , grateful to Almighty God for our constitutional liberty, establish this Constitution. ..

Georgia 1777, Preamble We, the people of   Georgia , relying upon protection and guidance of Almighty God, do ordain and establish this Constitution. ..

Hawaii 1959, Preamble We , the people of   Hawaii , Grateful for Divine Guidance … Establish this Constitution.

 Idaho 1889, Preamble We, the people of the State of   Idaho, grateful to Almighty God for our freedom, to secure its blessings..

Illinois 1870, Preamble We, the people of the State of Illinois, grateful to Almighty God for the civil , political and religious liberty which He hath so long permitted us to enjoy and looking to Him for a blessing on our endeavors.

Indiana 1851, Preamble We, the People of the State of   Indiana , grateful to Almighty God for the free exercise of the right to choose our form of government.

Iowa 1857, Preamble We, the People of the State of Iowa , grateful to the Supreme Being for the blessings hitherto enjoyed, and feeling our dependence on Him for a continuation of these blessings, establish this Constitution.

Kansas 1859, Preamble We, the people of Kansas , grateful to Almighty God for our civil and religious privileges establish this Constitution.

Kentucky 1891, Preamble.. We, the people of the Commonwealth are grateful to Almighty God for the civil, political and religious liberties..

Louisiana 1921, Preamble We, the people of the State of   Louisiana , grateful to Almighty God for the civil, political and religious liberties we enjoy.

Maine 1820, Preamble We the People of Maine acknowledging with grateful hearts the goodness of the Sovereign Ruler of the Universe in affording us an opportunity .. And imploring His aid and direction.

Maryland 1776, Preamble We, the people of the state of   Maryland , grateful to Almighty God for our civil and religious liberty…

Massachusetts 1780, Preamble We….the people of Massachusetts, acknowledging with grateful hearts, the goodness of the Great Legislator of the Universe In the course of His Providence, an opportunity and devoutly imploring His direction

Michigan 1908, Preamble..   We, the people of the State of   Michigan , grateful to Almighty God for the blessings of freedom, establish this Constitution.

Minnesota, 1857, Preamble We, the people of the State of Minnesota, grateful to God for our civil and religious liberty, and desiring to perpetuate its blessings:

Mississippi 1890, Preamble We, the people of Mississippi in convention assembled, grateful to Almighty God, and invoking His blessing on our work.

Missouri 1845, Preamble We, the people of   Missouri , with profound reverence for the Supreme Ruler of the Universe, and grateful for His goodness . Establish this Constitution. ..

Montana 1889, Preamble. We, the people of   Montana , grateful to Almighty God for the blessings of liberty establish this Constitution .

Nebraska 1875, Preamble We, the people, grateful to Almighty God for our freedom . Establish this Constitution.

Nevada 1864, Preamble We the people of the State of Nevada, grateful to Almighty God for our freedom, establish this Constitution. ..

New Hampshire 1792,   Part   I. Art. I. Sec. V Every individual has a natural and unalienable right to worship God according to the dictates of his own conscience.

New Jersey 1844, Preamble We, the people of the State of New Jersey, grateful to Almighty God for civil and religious liberty which He hath so long permitted us to enjoy, and looking to Him for a blessing on our endeavors.

New Mexico 1911, Preamble We, the People of New Mexico, grateful to Almighty God for the blessings of liberty..

New York 1846, Preamble We, the people of the State of   New York , grateful to Almighty God for our freedom, in order to secure its blessings.

North Carolina 1868, Preamble We the people of the State of North Carolina, grateful to Almighty God, the Sovereign Ruler of Nations, for our civil, political, and religious liberties, and acknowledging our dependence upon Him for the continuance of those…

North Dakota 1889, Preamble We , the people of   North Dakota , grateful to Almighty God for the blessings of civil and religious liberty, do ordain…

Ohio 1852, Preamble We the people of the state of   Ohio , grateful to Almighty God for our freedom, to secure its blessings and to promote our common.

Oklahoma 1907, Preamble Invoking the guidance of Almighty God, in order to secure and perpetuate the blessings of liberty, establish this

Oregon 1857, Bill of Rights, Article I Section 2. All men shall be secure in the Natural right, to worship Almighty God according to the dictates of their consciences

Pennsylvania 1776, Preamble We, the people of Pennsylvania, grateful to Almighty God for the blessings of civil and religious liberty, and humbly invoking His guidance….

Rhode Island 1842, Preamble. We the People of the State of Rhode Island grateful to Almighty God for the civil and religious liberty which He hath so long permitted us to enjoy, and looking to Him for a blessing…

South Carolina 1778, Preamble We, the people of the State of South Carolina grateful to God for our liberties, do ordain and establish this Constitution.

South Dakota 1889, Preamble We, the people of  South Dakota , grateful to Almighty God for our civil and religious liberties …

Tennessee 1796, Art. XI..III. That all men have a natural and indefeasible right to worship Almighty God according to the dictates of their conscience.. .

Texas 1845, Preamble We the People of the  Republic of  Texas , acknowledging, with gratitude, the grace and beneficence of God.

Utah 1896, Preamble Grateful to Almighty God for life and liberty, we establish this Constitution.

Vermont 1777, Preamble Whereas all government ought to enable the individuals who compose it to enjoy their natural rights, and other blessings which the Author of Existence has bestowed on man ..

Virginia 1776, Bill of Rights, XVI Religion, or the Duty which we owe our Creator can be directed only by Reason and that it is the mutual duty of all to practice Christian Forbearance, Love and Charity towards each other

Washington 1889, Preamble We the People of the State of Washington, grateful to the Supreme Ruler of the Universe for our liberties, do ordain this Constitution

West Virginia 1872, Preamble Since through Divine Providence we enjoy the blessings of civil, political and religious liberty, we, the people of West Virginia reaffirm our faith in and constant reliance upon God .

 Wisconsin 1848, Preamble We, the people of Wisconsin, grateful to Almighty God for our freedom, domestic tranquility. ..

Wyoming 1890, Preamble We, the people of the State of  Wyoming, grateful to God for our civil, political, and religious liberties, establish this Constitution. ..

After reviewing acknowledgments of God from all 50 state constitutions, one is faced with the prospect that maybe, Obama, the ACLU and the out-of-control federal courts are wrong! God have mercy on their souls!

Good afternoon campers Leprechaun here once again~

Well we’ve heard from the Dragon yesterday with his update that could have easily been called The State of Dragon Laffs Address. While I will endeavor to pick up as much of the slack as I can there is no way I can fill his scales or pick up all of the duties on a daily basis in the long term. I have a myriad of ongoing issues and problems here at Firebase Leprechaun which are eating up considerable amount of my personal time and efforts which unfortunately have to take precedence. I truly hate it when life gets in the way of the Internet. Consequently it is likely that you will be receiving something slightly longer than normal and on an every other day basis until such time as things begin to sort themselves out and what passes for normalcy and sanity here or at the Dragon’s Den returns.

Speaking of Impish, as the resident Doctor of Voodoo, Witchery, Holistic Medicine, Quackery and Veterinary Care here at DragonLaffs at Impish’s request I was forwarded a copy of all the results to his medical poking and prodding of late. After careful review and the studying of entrails as well as several procedures of my own designed solely to make Impish scream about cold hands and instruments because its so much fun to do, I have arrived at my own conclusion with which Impish is inclined to agree. His problem is all psychosomatic, a fancy way of saying its all in his mind. See, he has been pretending that he is a Dragon for so long that he’s finally convinced his brain he is a dragon and where the brain leads the body follows obediently. In actuality what is grown on his spine is not a cyst etc, but in fact the beginnings of a Dragon’s tail!  Now if I could only contract the same affliction and grow a pot of gold!

And now with out further ado….

On With The Merriment!

Must…Follow..Instructions…of…Strangely…Compelling…Signage!

The family all got together recently, and were just hanging around at Mom and Dad’s.
My sister was browsing through an almanac and laughed at a little piece of trivia she had found in the book, which she then read aloud; “Did you know that a woman’s breasts increase in size by 10% during sex?”
My brother-in-law, a notorious joker, shot back, “So, how come yours don’t?”
My father, from behind his newspaper and without even a pause, replied, “You’re not pumping hard enough.”
______________

A guy walks into a country bar down in Arkansas and orders a white wine.
All the rednecks sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some Yankee.
The bartender says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”
The guy says, “No, I’m from Idaho .”
Not knowing where Idaho is, the bartender says, “What do you do in Idaho ?”
The guy says, “I’m a taxidermist.”
The bartender says, “A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?”
“No, a taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi. I mount animals.”
The bartender grins and hollers, “It’s okay boys. He’s one of us.”

 

A NEW JERSEY ITALIAN BOY’S CONFESSION: 
‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned.  I have been with a loose girl’. 
The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?’ 
‘Yes, Father, it is.’ 
‘And who was the girl you were with?’ 
‘I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation’ 
Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell  me now. 
‘Was it Tina  Minetti?’ 
‘I cannot say.’ 
‘Was it Teresa  Mazzarelli?’ 
‘I’ll never  tell.’ 
‘ Was it Nina  Capelli?’ 
‘I’m sorry, but I  cannot name her.’ 
‘Was it Cathy  Piriano?’ 
‘My lips are   sealed.’ 
‘Was it Rosa Di  Angelo, then?’ 
‘Please, Father, I  cannot tell you.’ 
The priest sighs in frustration. ‘You’re very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I  admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave  yourself.’ 
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ‘What’d  you get?’ 
‘4 months vacation and five good leads. ‘

“Church Supper”

A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis to socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but, mushrooms are expensive.

She then told her husband, no mushrooms, they are too high. He said, ‘Why don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed..’ She said, ‘No, some wild mushrooms are poison.’ He said, ‘Well, I see varmints eating them and they’re OK.’

So, Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol’ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful.

Ole’ Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol’ Spot and the wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played Phase 10 and Mexican train dominoes. About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet’s ear, ‘Mrs. Williams, Ol’ Spot just died.’

Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, ‘That’s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We’ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone’s stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.’

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMT’s and the doctor had suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, ‘I think everything will be fine now.’ Then he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room, and about this time, the helper lady came in and said, ‘You know, that fellow that ran over Ole’ Spot never even stopped .’

 

Women are like country western songs.
They’re annoying and they all sound alike, but if you really listen to
them, you’ll get depressed and drink a lot.
—
“If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can’t
have a headache and sex at the same time?”   — Billy Connolly

—

A man goes into a Barnes & Noble bookstore and asks the young lady
assistant, “Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?

She replies, “I’m not sure if it’s in yet.”

The man said, “That’s the one!  I’ll take a copy.”

A guy broke into our apartment last week. He didn’t take the TV just the remote.

Now he commits drive by channel changings nightly.

SICK BASTARD!

Oddest Stories of 2010 Part 10

This is the last part in our 10 part series.

The dog who swallowed a $20,000-worth diamond in a jewelry.

A diamond dealer never imagined that his $20,000 dollar diamond would make for a good dog biscuit, but a dog named Sully had other plans. In March 2010, the dealer brought the $20,000 dollar gem into the Robert Bernard Jewelry Store to show owners Robert Rosin and George Kaufmann, but dropped it when he went to pull it from his pocket. In the blink of an eye, Sully, a golden retriever, pounced on the diamond and sent it down the hatch; it was by far the priciest dog treat Sully had ever tasted. Sully’s expensive taste sent the owners of the jewelry store owners into a panic. A quick call to the vet and the owner’s had a plan to retrieve the gem — allow nature to take its course and don’t leave Sully out of your sight.
Owner Kaufmann says it was an unpleasant experience, as he had to no only follow Sully, but also check up on the dog’s bathroom breaks in hopes of finding the diamond.After three days of careful search, Sully gave up the goods and the owners were able to return the stone back to its owner — after a thorough shine and polish. Sully is back on a steady diet of regular doggy treats. (Link)

Ok I admit it this one has me stumped for a witty retort beyond the obvious puns!

Good Morning Campers!!!!
It is now time to catch everyone up on what’s going on. where we are, and where we are going.

The Good News: I don’t have cancer (probably).

The Bad News: I do have a growth (fluid sac, lesion, cyst) on the S-1 joint of my spine. This is pushing on the nerve bundle that is down in that area.  Consequently causing pain, dizziness, pain, shaking, pain, weakness, pain, nausea, pain, and overwhelming, completely distracting pain.  (For instance…for what you have read so far of this piece, it has taken me over 30 minutes to write.  I continue to be distracted by falling asleep at the key board, pain and an inability to really concentrate.)

Okay, so let’s take out five minutes to feel bad for the dragon……………

………………………

Okay, we’re done.

So, now, what do we have to do?  Well, I have to go see the doctor, follow his instructions, and do whatever I can to make myself healthy and better.  I have to be nice to myself…..it’s time for me to put myself first.
What does that mean for you?  Well, you have to understand that Dragon Laffs is not going to continue to come out like it did.  I’m sorry for that.

Our dear friend Lethal, with the help of all of you, will continue to put out a fine e-zine.  And before you think that I’m going to disappear for ever, it’s not going to happen.  I’m going to be around, I’m going to continue to do Dragon Laffs, just not as fast as I used to do.  Mostly because it’s going to take a lot longer to put together.

Thank you all for understanding and sticking with us through thick and thin.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Morning campers Assistant Camper Director and Head Shenanigans Councilor Leprechaun here!

Seems the Impish one and I just cannot catch a break as of late. He worked extra long and extra hard (well relative to his NORMAL work ethic which isn’t much of one) so as to be able to catch at least SOME of both play off games yesterday. AT least that was his plan. Seems he over did it with work (as unaccustomed as he is to it) and was forced to retire and rest after managing to last long enough to see the Packers win. Well, it was either that or profound sadness and depression upon my explaining the “Cheeseheads” was only a nickname owing to the color of Greenbay’s helmets and that the players were NOT actually made of cheese and therefore a potential part of a Dragons diet.

On top of that from the limited conversation I had with him (3 lines worth) seems some VIP felt the need to have his ego masturbated and pulled a no notice “I’m-important-in-my-own-mind-so-I-need-a-tour-of-shit-I-have-no-business- or-right-to-be-getting-one-of-and-right-now” dog and pony show for which the Dragon is responsible for making happen.

Mean while here at my tree house my U-verse service basically has a 300 foot bandage on it temporary bandage on it, a wire has been run from the far opposite end of the building across the rear of the entire length, in one of my windows and nearly the entire depth of my apartment to their Gateway to make things run. After 2 different techs pointed fingers at each other Friday I had another here for five hours Saturday who has finally (an more importantly convincingly) accessed the blame for the problems on the forty year old building wiring between their box and my apartment. SIGH! NOW the property management company for the complex I live in has to get involved and get an electrician to come out and run new wiring before U-verse can come back and put things to rights. This means that because the repair ticket is not closed that every four hours I get a call AND a text message from ATT demanding I declare the repair complete OR schedule an appointment for completion. Well the repair is NOT complete and I can’t schedule the repair until I know when the new lines are being run. Apparently everyone at ATT is in subservence to their computer (anyone ever see the 60’s Science Fiction movie Colossus the Forbin Project? )

 

Now Lets Get to the Laughing Shall We?

Responsible Texan

I saw a fundamentalist Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River this morning; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.

Along with him was an illegal Hispanic drug cartel member who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.

If they didn’t get help, they’d surely drown.

Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff ‘s Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.

I’m starting to think I wasted two stamps….

A Very unusual herd of deer…

An Iroquois legend proves to be true.  A very unusual herd of deer…whitetails…yes, but more.  Wisconsin near border with Michigan’s U. P.

Turn up the sound and enjoy!

http://www.pbs.org:80/wgbh/pages/frontline/video/flv/generic.html?s=inwi10s22a3q81f

 

 

 

Seems everyone wants in on Zack’s Groaners. Today comes from Bob:

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

How was he killed?” asked one detective.

With a golf gun,” the other detective replied.

A golf gun?!

What is a golf gun?” ”

I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.”

This  morning a coalition of Muslim leaders warned the United States that if  military action against Muslim countries continues, they intend to cut off  America’s supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers. If this action does not yield  sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, ATT and  AOL customer service reps. Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened  not to send us any more Presidents either. It’s gonna get ugly,  people.

Gratuitous Dragon Photo

 

Recently Impish told me he was tired of my riding his ass all the time and I had better find something else or another dragon to ride. So just to annoy him, I did both! Here it is, it even kind of looks a a little like him!:

I will say that the exhaust that comes out of THIS dragon is a lot easier to tolerate than the exhaust that comes out of Impish!

Oddest Stories of 2010 Part 9

The Flight Attendant who quit his job during a flight using the emergency slide.

In August 2010, Steven Slater, a flight attendant of JetBlue airlines, got into an argument with a passenger during boarding at a Pittsburgh airport. He finally had enough of his job, quit, and opened the emergency slide on the plane in order to leave. He grabbed the intercom and said: “To the passenger who called me a mother ——, —- you. “I’ve been in the business 28 years. I’ve had it. That’s it.” Mr. Slater then activated the emergency exit and slid down the inflatable slide on to the tarmac. He then boarded a train to the terminal, stripping off his tie and discarding it to the astonishment of bemused onlookers. Slater was later arrested and charged with reckless endangerment and criminal mischief. (Link | Via)

“Slip sliding away, slip sliding away. You know the nearer your destination, the more you slip sliding away.” ~ Simon & Garfunkel

Continuing with my less is more commentaries via photo or cartoon that seem to have been doing so well as of late here’s another that needs no additional commentary after it.

Good Morning Fellow Campers a teeth chattering and shivering Leprechaun here~

As I am writing this in my palatial tree house I evicted those Keebler guys from for non-payment of their 1000 year lease and promptly remodeled (do you have ANY idea how long the odors of chocolate and burnt cookies hangs around?!) on the outskirts of Houston Texas, less than an hours drive from the Gulf of Mexico electronic device galore are telling me its 31 degrees outside and FEELS like 24! Now SOME of you may be thinking that’s NOT a big deal, particularly fairies that spend time in Minnesota. You need to understand that homes here (particularly tree houses built during the early 1970’s were built to keep cool during our warm/hot/I’m-going-to-spend-the-summer-in-Hell-because-it’s-cooler-there season which starts about March and runs until mid November. Heating and staying warm here are after thoughts. We actually have businesses that are closing today or closed for the day because it’s too cold in them for the employees to work!

You may notice this edition of Leprechaun Laffs is labeled “Weekend Edition”. Due to an overwhelming and crushing workload as well as other personal appointments the Dragon will likely not be joining us until Monday or possibly as late as Tuesday. Normally this is NOT an issue for us and there would be two issues of Leprechaun Laffs, one for Friday and one for Saturday. Unfortunately I am again experiencing issues with AT&T’s U-verse service and my internet connection is at best for the moment unreliable and has caused me much lots time grief and aggravation over the last 3 days. Allegedly a line crew is coming to fix the issue which is supposed to be sole their problem and outside the house. The thing is all I know is it will be sometime today and before 8 PM. <<Update: after 2 separate visits things are STILL not fixed and a 3rd is scheduled for Saturday Morning>>

Since this means it is unlikely that I will be uploading this until probably late today combining the two issues into a longer one seemed to make sense and had a higher probability of me not testing the upper limits of my blood pressure or discovering the point at which I stroke out in frustration.

Now, Lets Find Something To Laugh About Shall We?

It’s either THAT or a high-rise for Dogs!

Terms to Know

TRAFFIC LIGHT — apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.

DIVORCE — postgraduate in School of Love.

PIONEER — early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.

PEOPLE — some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what’s happened.

SWIMMING POOL — a mob of people with water in it.

SELF-CONTROL — the ability to eat only one peanut.

SALESMAN — man with ability to convince wife she’d look fat in mink.

CANNIBAL — person who likes to see other people stewed.

EGOCENTRIC — a person who believes he is everything you know you are.

FOREIGN FILM — any movie shown in Texas theater that isn’t a western.

OPTIMIST — girl who regards a bulge as a curve.

MAGAZINE — bunch of printed pages that tell you what’s coming in the next issue.

COLLEGE — The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.

EMERGENCY NUMBERS — Police station, fire department and places that deliver.

OPERA — When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

BUFFET — A French word that means “Get up and get it yourself.”

BABY-SITTER — A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.

TATTOO — Permanent proof of temporary insanity.

 

Oddest Stories of 2010 Part 8

The baby who survived a seven-story fall

In November 2010 a 15-month-old baby girl survived a seven story fall after she bounced off an awning into the arms of a man in Paris. The tot had been playing unsupervised with her older sister when she fell out of the window. A young man saw the baby starting to fall and alerted his father, who raced to get into position, arms outstretched, to catch her after she hit the awning. “He must have played rugby for years to have developed reflexes like that,” a bystander reported. The baby was lucky: normally the cafe owner closes the awning because people throw their cigarette butts on it. The baby girl is in the hospital, but is virtually unscathed. (Link)

I can think of SEVERAL NFL teams that should try signing this guy as they need ALL the help they can get!

Gratuitous Leprechaun Photo

Who Needs All Them Dragons Anyway?

From Loyal contributor Mike R.:

Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, “You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they’re fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it’s a wonder any work is getting done, and it’s making a mess all over the ship. I don’t know what to do!”

The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. “Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams. Then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold.”

“Well that’s a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I’m out a bag of gold every trip!”

“Not so,” replied the other captain. “After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time.”

The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend’s advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel.

When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. ‘This is great,’ thought the captain, ‘before long, I’ll be able to buy a new boat!’

This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out, “What’s the meaning of this?!”

“You sick bastard,” replied the cop. “Do you remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?”

“Sure,” said the captain. “What about ’em?!”

“Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!”

 

 

Unitary Conversions

This is pretty heavy scientific stuff:

1. Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

 

Really Impish You CANNOT Expect To Leave Photos Of Yourself

Just Laying Around And Think I Won’t Use Them!

 

From our good friend K-Squared:

“So let me get this straight,” the prosecutor says to the defendant. “You came home from work
early and found your wife in bed with a strange man.”

“That’s correct,” says the defendant.

“Upon which,” continues the prosecutor, “you take out a pistol and shot your wife, killing her.”

“That’s correct,” says the defendant.

“Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?” asked the prosecutor.

“It seemed easier,” replied the defendant, ” than shooting a different man every day!”

Gratuitous Dragon Photo

Apparently Impish was afraid you would forget all about him because I was taking such good care of you and sent this photo of himself allegedly hard at work. Not that he appears to be doing what he normally does when this was taken…not much!

Now it seems Lynn wants to muscle in on Zack’s groaner turf too!

The Indian With One Testicle
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was ‘Onestone’. He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,’ If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!’
The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, ‘Good morning, Onestone.’   He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do. Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until a woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away. Yellow Bird, who wasBlue Bird’s cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
and said, ‘Good to see you, Onestone.’
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn’t die!
Why ???

OH, come on… take a guess !!!

Think about it !!!

You’re going to love this !!!

Everyone knows…

You can’t kill Two Birds

with OneStone!!!

 

 

 

Well all good things must come to an end and despite the fact its Saturday Morning now and I am still unsure as to when i will be able to post this since my Internet is still undependable it time to put this issue to rest. Hopefully the crew that is scheduled to work on the lines leading to my apartment from the road today will correct the issues and I have this up by afternoon.

At any rate today’s Last Word comes to us courtesy of MikeR.

American taxpayers pay an enormous cost because of illegal immigration.   In Los Angeles County alone, taxpayers paid $1.6 billion for food stamps, education and public safety services for the children of illegal aliens in the year 2010.  That $1.6 billion is for just one county in the U. S.  No wonder California is $48 billion in the red.

Is there any doubt that we need to change the policy of giving citizenship to the children of illegal aliens?

California taxpayers pay record amount in benefits to the children of illegal aliens.

http://www.examiner.com/immigration-reform-in-national/california-taxpayers-pay-record-amount-benefits-to-children-of-illegal-aliens

Los Angeles Supervisor Michael D. Antonovich has just released data from the Department of Public Social Services which shows that in November 2010, $53 million in welfare benefits ($22 million CalWORKs and $31 million in Food Stamps) were given issued to illegal aliens for their U.S .-born children in Los Angeles County.

The record amount is an increase of almost $3 million from November 2009, and represents 22 percent of all CalWORKs and Food Stamp issuances in L.A. county.

In 2009, CalWORKs and Food Stamp benefits given to illegal aliens totaled almost $570 million. The total amount issued to illegal aliens cost in 2010, is estimated to be well over $600 million.

On Monday, Supervisor Antonovich told reporters: “When you add this to $550 million for public safety and nearly $500 million for healthcare, the total cost for illegal immigrants to county taxpayers exceeds $1.6 billion dollars a year — not including the hundreds of millions of dollars for education.”

In August 2009, Antonovich made public the-then staggering amount, which the taxpayers spent on illegal aliens, living in L.A. County. In June 2009 alone, the county paid out $48 million to the children of illegal aliens, an increase of $10 million over June 2007.

$26 million of that total came in the form of Food Stamps, while another $22 million was given to the illegal alien families in welfare checks. That is in addition to the more than $1 billion that the county spends annually on the medical treatment, education, emergency services, and incarceration of illegal aliens.

These figures continuously rising amounts explain why not only L.A. County, but the entire state of California are now in financial ruin.

In 2003, the American Southwest saw 77 hospitals enter bankruptcy due to unpaid medical bills incurred by illegal aliens. A staggering 84 hospitals in California have been forced to close their doors because of the growing crisis. Hospitals, which manage to remain open, then pass the unpaid costs onto the rest of us, which translates into more out-of-pocket expenses and higher insurance premiums for all Americans.

With 20 percent actual unemployment, huge trade deficits due to the loss of our manufacturing base, and a soaring national debt, we simply cannot afford to pay the bills for this nation’s illegal alien population.

If we are to once again find ourselves on firm financial footing, we can no longer accept elected representatives who choose to better represent a foreign national population, rather than those of us who actually pay their salaries.