Good Morning Fellow Campers a teeth chattering and shivering Leprechaun here~
As I am writing this in my palatial tree house I evicted those Keebler guys from for non-payment of their 1000 year lease and promptly remodeled (do you have ANY idea how long the odors of chocolate and burnt cookies hangs around?!) on the outskirts of Houston Texas, less than an hours drive from the Gulf of Mexico electronic device galore are telling me its 31 degrees outside and FEELS like 24! Now SOME of you may be thinking that’s NOT a big deal, particularly fairies that spend time in Minnesota. You need to understand that homes here (particularly tree houses built during the early 1970’s were built to keep cool during our warm/hot/I’m-going-to-spend-the-summer-in-Hell-because-it’s-cooler-there season which starts about March and runs until mid November. Heating and staying warm here are after thoughts. We actually have businesses that are closing today or closed for the day because it’s too cold in them for the employees to work!
You may notice this edition of Leprechaun Laffs is labeled “Weekend Edition”. Due to an overwhelming and crushing workload as well as other personal appointments the Dragon will likely not be joining us until Monday or possibly as late as Tuesday. Normally this is NOT an issue for us and there would be two issues of Leprechaun Laffs, one for Friday and one for Saturday. Unfortunately I am again experiencing issues with AT&T’s U-verse service and my internet connection is at best for the moment unreliable and has caused me much lots time grief and aggravation over the last 3 days. Allegedly a line crew is coming to fix the issue which is supposed to be sole their problem and outside the house. The thing is all I know is it will be sometime today and before 8 PM. <<Update: after 2 separate visits things are STILL not fixed and a 3rd is scheduled for Saturday Morning>>
Since this means it is unlikely that I will be uploading this until probably late today combining the two issues into a longer one seemed to make sense and had a higher probability of me not testing the upper limits of my blood pressure or discovering the point at which I stroke out in frustration.
Now, Lets Find Something To Laugh About Shall We?
It’s either THAT or a high-rise for Dogs!
Terms to Know
TRAFFIC LIGHT — apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.
DIVORCE — postgraduate in School of Love.
PIONEER — early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.
PEOPLE — some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what’s happened.
SWIMMING POOL — a mob of people with water in it.
SELF-CONTROL — the ability to eat only one peanut.
SALESMAN — man with ability to convince wife she’d look fat in mink.
CANNIBAL — person who likes to see other people stewed.
EGOCENTRIC — a person who believes he is everything you know you are.
FOREIGN FILM — any movie shown in Texas theater that isn’t a western.
OPTIMIST — girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
MAGAZINE — bunch of printed pages that tell you what’s coming in the next issue.
COLLEGE — The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.
EMERGENCY NUMBERS — Police station, fire department and places that deliver.
OPERA — When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.
BUFFET — A French word that means “Get up and get it yourself.”
BABY-SITTER — A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.
TATTOO — Permanent proof of temporary insanity.
Oddest Stories of 2010 Part 8
The baby who survived a seven-story fall
In November 2010 a 15-month-old baby girl survived a seven story fall after she bounced off an awning into the arms of a man in Paris. The tot had been playing unsupervised with her older sister when she fell out of the window. A young man saw the baby starting to fall and alerted his father, who raced to get into position, arms outstretched, to catch her after she hit the awning. “He must have played rugby for years to have developed reflexes like that,” a bystander reported. The baby was lucky: normally the cafe owner closes the awning because people throw their cigarette butts on it. The baby girl is in the hospital, but is virtually unscathed. (Link)
I can think of SEVERAL NFL teams that should try signing this guy as they need ALL the help they can get!
Gratuitous Leprechaun Photo
Who Needs All Them Dragons Anyway?
From Loyal contributor Mike R.:
Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, “You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they’re fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it’s a wonder any work is getting done, and it’s making a mess all over the ship. I don’t know what to do!”
The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. “Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams. Then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold.”
“Well that’s a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I’m out a bag of gold every trip!”
“Not so,” replied the other captain. “After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time.”
The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend’s advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel.
When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. ‘This is great,’ thought the captain, ‘before long, I’ll be able to buy a new boat!’
This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out, “What’s the meaning of this?!”
“You sick bastard,” replied the cop. “Do you remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?”
“Sure,” said the captain. “What about ’em?!”
“Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!”
This is pretty heavy scientific stuff:
1. Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
Really Impish You CANNOT Expect To Leave Photos Of Yourself
Just Laying Around And Think I Won’t Use Them!
From our good friend K-Squared:
“So let me get this straight,” the prosecutor says to the defendant. “You came home from work
early and found your wife in bed with a strange man.”
“That’s correct,” says the defendant.
“Upon which,” continues the prosecutor, “you take out a pistol and shot your wife, killing her.”
“That’s correct,” says the defendant.
“Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?” asked the prosecutor.
“It seemed easier,” replied the defendant, ” than shooting a different man every day!”
Gratuitous Dragon Photo
Apparently Impish was afraid you would forget all about him because I was taking such good care of you and sent this photo of himself allegedly hard at work. Not that he appears to be doing what he normally does when this was taken…not much!
Now it seems Lynn wants to muscle in on Zack’s groaner turf too!
The Indian With One Testicle
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was ‘Onestone’. He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,’ If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!’
The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, ‘Good morning, Onestone.’ He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do. Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until a woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away. Yellow Bird, who wasBlue Bird’s cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
and said, ‘Good to see you, Onestone.’
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn’t die!
OH, come on… take a guess !!!
Think about it !!!
You’re going to love this !!!
You can’t kill Two Birds
Well all good things must come to an end and despite the fact its Saturday Morning now and I am still unsure as to when i will be able to post this since my Internet is still undependable it time to put this issue to rest. Hopefully the crew that is scheduled to work on the lines leading to my apartment from the road today will correct the issues and I have this up by afternoon.
At any rate today’s Last Word comes to us courtesy of MikeR.
American taxpayers pay an enormous cost because of illegal immigration. In Los Angeles County alone, taxpayers paid $1.6 billion for food stamps, education and public safety services for the children of illegal aliens in the year 2010. That $1.6 billion is for just one county in the U. S. No wonder California is $48 billion in the red.
Is there any doubt that we need to change the policy of giving citizenship to the children of illegal aliens?
California taxpayers pay record amount in benefits to the children of illegal aliens.
Los Angeles Supervisor Michael D. Antonovich has just released data from the Department of Public Social Services which shows that in November 2010, $53 million in welfare benefits ($22 million CalWORKs and $31 million in Food Stamps) were given issued to illegal aliens for their U.S .-born children in Los Angeles County.
The record amount is an increase of almost $3 million from November 2009, and represents 22 percent of all CalWORKs and Food Stamp issuances in L.A. county.
In 2009, CalWORKs and Food Stamp benefits given to illegal aliens totaled almost $570 million. The total amount issued to illegal aliens cost in 2010, is estimated to be well over $600 million.
On Monday, Supervisor Antonovich told reporters: “When you add this to $550 million for public safety and nearly $500 million for healthcare, the total cost for illegal immigrants to county taxpayers exceeds $1.6 billion dollars a year — not including the hundreds of millions of dollars for education.”
In August 2009, Antonovich made public the-then staggering amount, which the taxpayers spent on illegal aliens, living in L.A. County. In June 2009 alone, the county paid out $48 million to the children of illegal aliens, an increase of $10 million over June 2007.
$26 million of that total came in the form of Food Stamps, while another $22 million was given to the illegal alien families in welfare checks. That is in addition to the more than $1 billion that the county spends annually on the medical treatment, education, emergency services, and incarceration of illegal aliens.
These figures continuously rising amounts explain why not only L.A. County, but the entire state of California are now in financial ruin.
In 2003, the American Southwest saw 77 hospitals enter bankruptcy due to unpaid medical bills incurred by illegal aliens. A staggering 84 hospitals in California have been forced to close their doors because of the growing crisis. Hospitals, which manage to remain open, then pass the unpaid costs onto the rest of us, which translates into more out-of-pocket expenses and higher insurance premiums for all Americans.
With 20 percent actual unemployment, huge trade deficits due to the loss of our manufacturing base, and a soaring national debt, we simply cannot afford to pay the bills for this nation’s illegal alien population.
If we are to once again find ourselves on firm financial footing, we can no longer accept elected representatives who choose to better represent a foreign national population, rather than those of us who actually pay their salaries.