Good Saturday Morning!  I hope you all have a wonderful day and a terrific, safe weekend.  Now, let’s laugh!

A soldier from Lake Station, Indiana, has suffered horrific injuries. He has lost both legs and an arm. I do not know him personally, but learned of his situation from the newspaper.  According to his friends, interviewed in the local paper, he is facing some very hard times.

Please…. thoroughly check out the web site they have put together to help him and his family.
http://www.johnmasson.com http://www.johnmasson.com

Thanks for your time,

(Leanne)

You got it Leanne!  Thanks for writing in!

One of my favorites!

• According to a new poll, 51 percent of Americans feel that their lives were better two years ago before President Obama took office. To which President Obama said, “Join the club.”  Jay Leno

• The Nobel Prize for fiction went to “It Was an Allergic Reaction to Medication,” by Charlie Sheen.  David Letterman

• George W. Bush’s daughter, Jenna, just put her home in Baltimore on the market for $500,000. The real estate agent said, “I just want to warn you that offers have gone way down ever since the economy was ruined by . . . someone.”
• A couple in Toronto had their Facebook friends vote on the name of their newborn daughter. So congratulations to the couple and their baby girl, “Like.”

Jimmy Fallon

• When Miley Cyrus’ dad, Billy Ray, found out that his daughter was taking drugs, he kicked her out of the house — until he realized she owns it.
• Johnny Depp recently said he’s very anti-Hollywood. He said it from his trailer on the set of “Pirates of the Caribbean 4.”

Craig Ferguson

I always hang mistletoe in the same spot…the middle belt loop on the back of my jeans!

A GREAT Story submitted by our dear camper friend

An Italian Merry Christmas

I thought it would be a nice idea to bring a date to my parents’ house  on Christmas Eve. I thought it would be interesting for a non-Italian girl to see how an Italian family spends the holidays. I thought my mother and my date would hit it off like partridges and pear trees.

So, I was wrong.   Sue me.

I had only known Karen for three weeks when I extended the invitation. I know these family things can be a little weird,” I told her, “but my folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun on Christmas Eve.” “Sounds fine to me,” Karen said. I had only known my mother for 31 years when I told her I’d be bringing Karen with me. “She’s a very nice girl and she’s really looking
Forward to meeting all of you.”

“Sounds fine to me,” my mother said.

And that was that. Two telephone calls. Two “sounds-fine-to-me”. What  more could I want? Christmas was set!

I should point out, I suppose, that in Italian households, Christmas Eve is the social event of the season – an Italian  woman’s raison d’etre.
She cleans. She cooks. She bakes. She orchestrates every minute of the entire evening. Christmas Eve is what Italian women live for.

I should also point out, I suppose, that when it comes to the kind of women that make Italian men go nuts, Karen is it. She doesn’t clean. She doesn’t cook. She doesn’t bake. And she has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being.

I brought her anyway.

7p.m. – we arrive .
Karen and I walk in and putter around for half an hour waiting for the other guests to show up. During that half hour, my  mother grills Karen like a cheeseburger and cannily determines that Karen does not clean, cook, or bake.

My father is equally observant. He pulls me into the living room and notes, “She has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being!”

  7:30p.m. – Others arrive.
Uncle Antonio walks in with my Aunt Mafalde, assorted kids, assorted gifts.! We sit around the dining room table for antipasto, a symmetrically composed platter of lettuce, roasted peppers, black olives, salami, prosciutto, provolone, and anchovies.

When I offer to make Karen’s plate she says, “Thank you.  but none of those things, okay?” She points to the anchovies.

“You don’t like anchovies?” I ask.

“I don’t like fish,” Karen announces to one and all as 67 other varieties of foods-that-swim are baking, broiling and simmering in the next room.
My mother makes the sign of the cross. Things are getting uncomfortable.

Aunt Sophia asks Karen what her family eats on Christmas Eve. Karen says, “Knockwurst.” My father, who is still staring in a daze, at Karen’s chest, temporarily snaps out of it to murmur, Knockers?” My mother kicks him so hard he gets a blood clot. None of this is turning out the way I’d hoped.

8:00p.m. – Second course.
The spaghetti and crab sauce is on the way to the table. Karen declines the crab sauce and says she’ll make her own with butter and ketchup. My mother asks me to join her in the kitchen. I take my “Merry Christmas” napkin from my lap, place it on the “Merry Christmas” tablecloth and walk into the kitchen.

“I don’t want to start any trouble,” my mother says calmly, clutching a bottle of ketchup in her hands, “But if she pours this on my pasta, I’m going to throw acid in her face.”

“Come on,” I tell her.  “It’s Christmas. Let her eat what she wants.”

My mother considers the situation, then nods. As I turn to walk back into the dining room, she grabs my shoulder. “Tell me the truth,” she says,”are you serious with this tramp?”

“She’s not a tramp,” I reply. “And I’ve only known her for three weeks.”

“Well, it’s your life”, she tells me, “but if you marry her, she’ll poison you.”

8:30p.m. – More fish.
My stomach is knotted like one of those macramé plant hangers that are always three times larger than the plants they hold.

All the women get up to clear away the spaghetti dishes, except for Karen, who, instead, lights a cigarette.

“Why don’t you give them a little hand?” I politely suggest.

Karen makes a face and walks into the kitchen carrying  three forks.

“Dear, you don’t have to do that,” my mother tells her, smiling painfully.

“Oh, okay,” Karen says, putting  the forks on the sink.

As she reenters the dining room, a wine glass flies over her head, and smashes against the wall. From the kitchen, my mother says, “Whoops.” I vaguely remember that line from Torch Song Trilogy. “Whoops?” No. “Whoops is when you fall down an elevator shaft.”

More fish comes out. After some goading, Karen tries a piece of scungilli, which she describes as “slimy, like worms.”

My mother winces, bites her hand and pounds her chest like one of those old women you always see in the sixth row of a funeral home.

Aunt  Sophia does the same. Karen, believing that this is something that all Italian women do on Christmas Eve, bites her hand and pounds her chest also.

My Uncle Antonio doesn’t know what to make of  it. My father’s dentures fall out and he almost chews a six-inch gash in the tablecloth with his fingernails.

10:00p.m. – Coffee, dessert.
Espresso all around. A little anisette. A curl of lemon peel. When Karen asks for milk, my mother finally slaps her in the face with a cannoli.
I guess it had to happen sooner or later.

Karen, believing that this is something that all Italian women do on Christmas Eve, picks up a cannoli and slaps my mother with it. 

“This is fun,” Karen says. Fun?  No. Fun is when you fall down an elevator shaft.

But, amazingly, everyone is laughing and smiling and filled with good cheer – even my mother, who grabs me by the shoulder, laughs and says, “Get this bitch out of my house.”

Sounds fine to me.
THE END

(If you aren’t in stitches by now, you don’t
know Italians!)

For you space buffs (Wheats?  You listening?) and those of you interested in GREAT wallpapers, here is a FANTASTIC site sent into us by our dear camper Lynn.  Some really fantastic, once in a lifetime, high quality photos….Enjoy!

Don’t click on the CLICK TO START bar – just scroll down and see these stunning photos

http://triggerpit.com/2010/11/22/incredible-pics-nasa-astronaut-wheelock/

So this one really brought a tear to my eye…

Twas a Night in December — from our Troops to us!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=1j_icz3ZEHw

Servicemembers stationed from Antarctica to Afghanistan lent their talents and time to craft, “Twas a Night in December,” based on the popular holiday story, but rewritten with a military twist. More than 40 commands around the world, representing every branch of the military service, participated. Along with the military people who contributed to this creative effort, country music star, Toby Keith introduced the video, reinforcing his long-term support for military and their families stationed around the world.

 

The Christmas (Pat Down) Song

Grandma Got Molested At The Airport

You may have to turn your speakers up quite a bit to understand their conversation.

Good Morning Campers!  Another Thirsty Thursday is upon us.  Overwhelming evidence to the contrary, it really doesn’t feel like the weekend will EVER get here!  This week has been going on and on for a month now.  I don’t know about you, but I REALLY need a laugh…so, let’s get started!

Pass to all 50 yrs and older
Cardiovascular Exercise
The  older we get the more important it is to incorporate  exercise
into our daily routine. This is necessary to  maintain cardiovascular
health and maintain  muscle mass.
If you’re  over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then  do
more repetitions as you become more proficient and  build stamina.
Warning: It may be too strenuous  for some.
Always  consult your doctor before starting any exercise  program!
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NOW  SCROLL UP
That’s  enough for the first day. Great  job.
Have  a glass of  Wine.

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS  (from our dear camper friend Jeannie…)

1.  Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare… You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand and wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”

Have a great holiday season

and Merry Christmas, Happy New Year! 

A SPECIAL POEM FOR OLDER FOLKS

A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won’t stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won’t shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I’m happy when I’m not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze..
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won’t fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I’d really like to know…
Is what tells each one where to go?

There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here right now thinking how nice it is that wrinkles & fat don’t hurt.

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, ‘You know what? ‘You have been with me all through the bad times. When

I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side…  You know what?’

‘What dear?’ she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

‘I think you’re bad luck… get the fuck away from me.’

It was a dark and stormy night. Mark was walking through the cemetery. Suddenly, he heard a voice cry out, “Mark! Mark!”  Pretending not to let it bother him, he pulled his coat a little tighter and kept walking.

    Again the voice said, “Mark! Mark!”

    That did it. Mark took off full speed and didn’t stop till he was well outside the cemetery gate. As he stopped to catch his breath, the moon broke through the clouds enough so he could see what had been following him.

    It was a dog with a speech impediment.

Okay, this definitely falls under the category of WOW!

http://www.smartplanet.com/business/blog/smart-takes/implantable-artificial-kidney-may-cure-chronic-kidney-disease/12941/

A smart, artificial, implantable kidney!

I’ve used this link before…amazing people doing amazing things:

http://forum.gon.com/showpost.php?p=5445396&postcount=1

Yes, I know it’s political (although, there is a jab at the Republicans in there, too) and yes, I know I’ll hear about it….but you gotta admit….it is funny!

Conservative Christmas List

Dear President Obama,

Age disabuses us of many of the sweetest fables of our childhood. When I was younger, I believed that one man circled the globe every Christmas Eve giving away the products of someone else’s labor without regard to merit. Now I realize that’s basically your job. It’s probably for the best – eventually the elves would’ve unionized, the sleigh would’ve failed its emissions tests and the old man would’ve figured out that it just made more sense for him to kick back at the North Pole and collect unemployment.

Since you’re the one in the business of dispensing plenty, I thought I’d address my Christmas list to you this year. This should be pretty easy for you. You see, I’m a conservative (we’re a major political movement that … you know what, just look it up). And because I’m a conservative, I don’t want much more from you than to be left alone most of the time. Thus, my list this year is of things I’d like you to take away, not things I want from you. Please give some thought to getting rid of the following:

Your Wife’s Crusade Against Junk Food – Here’s the thing: I’m a stress eater and nothing stresses me more than a woman with a personal chef hectoring some kid in the suburbs for eating a Twinkie. So if she stops, I’ll stop. Deal?

Every Cabinet Department That’s Named After a Sector of the Economy – Education, Health and Human Services, Housing and Urban Development, Energy, Agriculture, Labor; is it just me or are all of these departments just an excuse for you to throw money at people you like until a Republican wins the presidency and gets to throw money at all the people he likes?

Your Weekly Video Addresses – So you can sit in a chair and deliver endless self-important monologues. I get it, but that’s not especially presidential, okay? Really, the camera is the only thing that makes you any different from the guy that everyone tries to avoid in the rest home rec room.

Intrusive Environmental Regulations – I’m a reasonable guy. I turn the lights off when I leave the room, only use my A/C when it’s needed and limit my electricity consumption by stealing my neighbor’s Internet. So please stop bugging me about what kinds of light bulbs I’m using and whether or not I’m driving a Prius. John Wayne would shoot out the tires on a Prius. As an American, that strikes me as a reasonable yardstick for judging public policy.

Julian Assange – One of the few things I expect from you to is to keep us safe. But how can I trust you to go nose to nose with Al Qaeda when you can’t stop a guy who looks like the Keebler Elf with the fastest modem? I don’t care how you punish him, but I could think of worst places to start than with a TSA patdown.

I know you’re a busy man, so I’ll limit my requests to those few items. One tip though: If you are able to deliver some of these gifts this year, I’d recommend knocking on the door instead of coming down the chimney. My family clings to their guns pretty bitterly.

Sincerely,

An American

Yes….it’s that bad that it needs two warnings!

What a great picture!

Why are you scrolling down?

It’s your turn to say something…