Good afternoon campers Leprechaun here once again~
Well we’ve heard from the Dragon yesterday with his update that could have easily been called The State of Dragon Laffs Address. While I will endeavor to pick up as much of the slack as I can there is no way I can fill his scales or pick up all of the duties on a daily basis in the long term. I have a myriad of ongoing issues and problems here at Firebase Leprechaun which are eating up considerable amount of my personal time and efforts which unfortunately have to take precedence. I truly hate it when life gets in the way of the Internet. Consequently it is likely that you will be receiving something slightly longer than normal and on an every other day basis until such time as things begin to sort themselves out and what passes for normalcy and sanity here or at the Dragon’s Den returns.
Speaking of Impish, as the resident Doctor of Voodoo, Witchery, Holistic Medicine, Quackery and Veterinary Care here at DragonLaffs at Impish’s request I was forwarded a copy of all the results to his medical poking and prodding of late. After careful review and the studying of entrails as well as several procedures of my own designed solely to make Impish scream about cold hands and instruments because its so much fun to do, I have arrived at my own conclusion with which Impish is inclined to agree. His problem is all psychosomatic, a fancy way of saying its all in his mind. See, he has been pretending that he is a Dragon for so long that he’s finally convinced his brain he is a dragon and where the brain leads the body follows obediently. In actuality what is grown on his spine is not a cyst etc, but in fact the beginnings of a Dragon’s tail! Now if I could only contract the same affliction and grow a pot of gold!
And now with out further ado….
On With The Merriment!
The family all got together recently, and were just hanging around at Mom and Dad’s.
My sister was browsing through an almanac and laughed at a little piece of trivia she had found in the book, which she then read aloud; “Did you know that a woman’s breasts increase in size by 10% during sex?”
My brother-in-law, a notorious joker, shot back, “So, how come yours don’t?”
My father, from behind his newspaper and without even a pause, replied, “You’re not pumping hard enough.”
A guy walks into a country bar down in Arkansas and orders a white wine.
All the rednecks sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some Yankee.
The bartender says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”
The guy says, “No, I’m from Idaho .”
Not knowing where Idaho is, the bartender says, “What do you do in Idaho ?”
The guy says, “I’m a taxidermist.”
The bartender says, “A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?”
“No, a taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi. I mount animals.”
The bartender grins and hollers, “It’s okay boys. He’s one of us.”
A NEW JERSEY ITALIAN BOY’S CONFESSION:
‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl’.
The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?’
‘Yes, Father, it is.’
‘And who was the girl you were with?’
‘I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation’
Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.
‘Was it Tina Minetti?’
‘I cannot say.’
‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’
‘I’ll never tell.’
‘ Was it Nina Capelli?’
‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’
‘Was it Cathy Piriano?’
‘My lips are sealed.’
‘Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?’
‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’
The priest sighs in frustration. ‘You’re very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.’
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ‘What’d you get?’
‘4 months vacation and five good leads. ‘
A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis to socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but, mushrooms are expensive.
She then told her husband, no mushrooms, they are too high. He said, ‘Why don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed..’ She said, ‘No, some wild mushrooms are poison.’ He said, ‘Well, I see varmints eating them and they’re OK.’
So, Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol’ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful.
Ole’ Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol’ Spot and the wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.
After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played Phase 10 and Mexican train dominoes. About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet’s ear, ‘Mrs. Williams, Ol’ Spot just died.’
Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, ‘That’s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We’ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone’s stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.’
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMT’s and the doctor had suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, ‘I think everything will be fine now.’ Then he left.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room, and about this time, the helper lady came in and said, ‘You know, that fellow that ran over Ole’ Spot never even stopped .’
Women are like country western songs.
They’re annoying and they all sound alike, but if you really listen to
them, you’ll get depressed and drink a lot.
“If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can’t
have a headache and sex at the same time?” — Billy Connolly
A man goes into a Barnes & Noble bookstore and asks the young lady
assistant, “Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?
She replies, “I’m not sure if it’s in yet.”
The man said, “That’s the one! I’ll take a copy.”
A guy broke into our apartment last week. He didn’t take the TV just the remote.
Now he commits drive by channel changings nightly.
Oddest Stories of 2010 Part 10
This is the last part in our 10 part series.
The dog who swallowed a $20,000-worth diamond in a jewelry.
A diamond dealer never imagined that his $20,000 dollar diamond would make for a good dog biscuit, but a dog named Sully had other plans. In March 2010, the dealer brought the $20,000 dollar gem into the Robert Bernard Jewelry Store to show owners Robert Rosin and George Kaufmann, but dropped it when he went to pull it from his pocket. In the blink of an eye, Sully, a golden retriever, pounced on the diamond and sent it down the hatch; it was by far the priciest dog treat Sully had ever tasted. Sully’s expensive taste sent the owners of the jewelry store owners into a panic. A quick call to the vet and the owner’s had a plan to retrieve the gem — allow nature to take its course and don’t leave Sully out of your sight.
Owner Kaufmann says it was an unpleasant experience, as he had to no only follow Sully, but also check up on the dog’s bathroom breaks in hopes of finding the diamond.After three days of careful search, Sully gave up the goods and the owners were able to return the stone back to its owner — after a thorough shine and polish. Sully is back on a steady diet of regular doggy treats. (Link)
Ok I admit it this one has me stumped for a witty retort beyond the obvious puns!