Huh? What? Are you guys back again?! The Dragon took another powder on you guys and its up to me again?

Snow? OH! Snow SHARKS! He’s worried about snow sharks and can’t get to a computer! What idiot sold Mister Gulliable on SNow Sharks?

 Oh…wait…that was me. Damn! I hate it when a great joke backfires like that! Now I DO have to post a Leprechaun Laffs!

OH WELL, LET’S LAUGH (NO, NOT AT THE DRAGON!)

Well ok, maybe just a LITTLE bit, he DOES look pretty silly shivering and dancing  fearfully on that picnic table.

Ok! I take it back! There IS apparently such a thing as too much Customer Service!

A young boy asks his grandmother how old she is.  She replies “That’s none of your business.”
       He asks her how much she weighs, and again she replies, “That’s none of your business.”
       He asks her why she and Grandpa sleep in separate bedrooms.  Grandma gets angry at this point and sends him off to play.
       The boy goes straight to his Grandpa and explains what happened; his grandpa tells him that Grandmothers are like that, but if he really wants to know, to sneak a peak at her drivers license in her purse.
       Later, the little boy approaches Grandma and says, “I know that you are 64 years old, weigh 147 pounds, and that the reason you don’t sleep with Grandpa is because you got an “F” in sex!!!”

 

This almost groaner comes from K-Squared:

THIS IS QUITE REMARKABLE. PLEASE DON’T CHEAT!

In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of fruits on it. They are:
A. Apple
B. Banana
C. Strawberry
D. Peach
E. Orange
Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don’t rush into it.

This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about you!
Test results: Please SCROLL DOWN

 

 

 

 

 

If you have chosen:
A. Apple: That means you are a person who likes apples
B. Banana: That means you are a person who likes bananas
C. Strawberry: That means you are a person who likes strawberries
D. Peach: That means you are a person who likes peaches
E. Orange: That means you are a person who likes oranges
I hope you find fulfillment in this new insight about yourself.

May it bring you peace and understanding, tranquility and all that other profound stuff.
Also, I bet that right now you would like to find me and kick my butt!
Well, you won’t find me….because I am still hunting down the misfit who sent this to me!

 

 

WOW! And here I always assumed Impish was exaggerating about Mrs. Dragon’s Mood Swings & Irish temper!
Just think! He has a daughter to survive going through this yet whom already seems to possess a temper at 9!

God have mercy on his poor sanity and if not, at least his soul!

Sitting in the bar George asked his 40-year-old friend John, “How come you aren’t married?”
John: “I haven’t found the right woman yet.”
George: “So what are you looking for?”
John: “Oh she’s got to be real pretty, – a good cook and house keeper, she’s got to know how to
handle money, have a nice and pleasant personality — and money, she’s got to have
money, and a nice big house wouldn’t hurt either.”
George: “A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!”
John: “Oh, it’s okay, if she is crazy.”
_______________

I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who has that calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear. The lady, who was obviously crying, said, “Pastor, I was born blind, and I’ve been blind all my life. I don’t mind being blind but I have some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed.”
The pastor asked her, “Tell me, do you carry one of those white canes?”
“Yes I do,” she replied.
“Then the next time someone says that hit them over the head with the cane,” he said, “then say, ‘If you had more faith that wouldn’t hurt!’”

 

STRONG LANGUAGE ADVISORY!

This next video is NOT for those with weak hearts, sensitive ears, young children in the room/area, or who are easily offended by profane language!!

Having given that warning, I suspect that the vast majority of you will be able identify with the lyrical subject matter addressed and how they poor guy expresses his feelings over the wrong he has been done.  (Thanks to my wife Molly for turning me on to this one.)

 

 

Another of my ‘a picture is worth a thousand words’ Last Word Rants. This one is sure to set fire to your short and curlies

The below photo is real.

Why wasn’t the person with the threatening sign arrested for making terroristic threats??

We are the ones that will have to pay for the welfare of these immigrants!

“Get it Done, Arizona , you are in our prayers” !!

Boy-oh-Boy, this needs to travel around the U.S.A. Don’t let it die folks!

Hey someone want to do me a favor and tell Impish its ok get get off that picnic table as there is no such thing as snow gators or sharks that Calvin just happened by and was bored so he made a few snow sculptures? I’m going to be very busy making myself scarce and getting ready for the bitter cold that supposed to hit us starting later today.

 

Good Morning my tiny campers… (Sung to the tune of Elton John’s Tiny Dancer)…

Anyway…

Get ready for the blizzard of 2011!
The National Weather Service has issued a “Winter Storm Watch” for everywhere in the world.  Personally, we could see up to a foot and a half of snow.  Snow falling at 3 inches an hour; winds up to 30 mph which could potentially form drifts high enough to close roads and cover your house.
Wooo Hoooo!  I can hardly wait!  I’ll take pictures and try and keep you informed.  In the meantime, check this out: http://www.weather.com/outlook/videos/dangerous-winter-storm-this-week-365
Yup, effective over 100 million people and 29 states.  Gonna be great fun.  So.  Make sure you have enough staples for the next couple of days, make sure you have a full tank of gas and a back-up plan incase the power/heat goes off.  What’s your plan B?  You gotta have a plan B.
What’s my plan B?  Well, since I don’t have a fireplace to keep us warm in case the heat goes out and because it’s supposed to get WAY down there in temperature, my plan B is to move my little family about a mile down the street to billeting on base where they have a generator.  I also have a plan C in mind and the workings of a plan D…. just in case.
Anyway….why are we talking about all this gloomy stuff?  It’s gonna be great fun! We’re all gonna get buried in the snow for a couple of days (the heat and power are going to stay on) and we’re all going to cuddle and have fun with our families and even fall back on the great Eskimo past time of getting buried in the snow and making babies all winter long….or at least practicing to make babies.

Okay, enough!

Sheesh!

Get on with it dragon!  Let’s Laugh!

(Wow, where in the world did all that nonsense come from?  I gotta get some new material…

…and now, I’m talking to myself….

…through the keyboard…

…in the e-zine…

…man, I need help…)

Young Brian was an absolute nut on physical fitness.  Every morning before his early breakfast, unless the weather was unusually cold or foul, he put on his gym suit and jogged around the reservoir in the park. That done, he would indulge in calisthenics of some sort.

One morning, when the sun was peeping over the horizon and the dew lay refreshingly cool on the grass in the deserted park, Brian, his jogging done, threw himself down behind a line of hedges and began a strenuous series
of pushups.

That same morning old Lushley was also in the park, wending his way home; but for him it was still the evening before. His tuxedo was incredibly rumpled, his hat unimaginable askew; and there emerged from him in every direction a powerful aroma of some alcoholic beverage. His tottering footsteps somehow brought him behind the row of hedges, and he stopped short as he watched Brian at his pushups.

After a few moments, he extended his cane uncertainly and managed to tap Brian on the shoulder. “Young man,” he said, “I hate to be a bearer of ill tidings, but if you will take a close look, you will notice that your girl is no longer there.”

Tips re: English Grammer

1. Don’t abbrev.
2. Check to see if you any words out.
3. Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.
4. About sentence fragments.
5. When dangling, don’t use participles.
6. Don’t use no double negatives.
7. Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
8. Just between You and i, case is important.
9. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
10. Don’t use commas, that aren’t necessary.
11. Its important to use apostrophe’s right.
12. It’s better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive.
13. Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without an object.
14. Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized. also a sentence should.
15. begin with a capital and end with a period
16. Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-word phrase.
17. In letters compositions reports and things like that we use commas
18. to keep a string of items apart.
19. Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into our language.
20. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
21. Avoid unnecessary redundancy.
22. A writer mustn’t shift your point of view.
23. Don’t write a run-on sentence you’ve got to punctuate it.
24. A preposition isn’t a good thing to end a sentence with.
25. Avoid clichés like the plague.

Seriously, what the heck does this mean?

An Oldie, but goodie…

A One-Wish Genie

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold ‘a genie’ appeared! The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, “Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I’m a one-wish genie. So… what’ll it be?”
The woman did not hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.”
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I’m good but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.”
The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know, one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time and is faithful. That’s what I wish for… a good man.”
The genie let out a sigh and said, “Let me see that map again…”

 

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”
Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
Jacob: “How about suppositories?”
Pharmacist: “You bet!”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer’s?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely..”
Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
Pharmacist: “We sure do.”
Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”
Jacob: “Adult diapers?”
Pharmacist: “Sure.”
Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”

 

Okay, this is WAY Cool!  I don’t understand it, but it is WAY Cool!

This is a technique in photography known as Tilt Shift. It’s a severe forced focusing that limits the focused focal plane to a very specific area. The result makes the subject look like a miniature.

This is an example of motion tilt shift that is sped up. It looks absolutely fake. It isn’t.

The Sandpit

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fk9EBOOAYiU&feature=player_embedded#

Does this mean that I am on the Island of Dr. Moreau?

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.”
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.”
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School and said, “Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?”
She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”

Think Outside Your Box
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car. Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
THINK ABOUT IT BEFORE YOU SCROLL DOWN. THINK THINK THINK WHAT DID HE SAY?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
He simply answered: “I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams.”
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to “Think Outside of the Box.”

This guy wanted a parrot who talked. He asked the pet store manager if there was a bird who was already speaking. The manager directed the guy to a bird by the window. “This bird has a vocabulary of 1000 words and another 50 phrases that would fit most occasions.”

The guy bought the bird and took it home.

Next day, the guy was back in the pet store to complain. The bird hadn’t said a word.
The pet store manager said, “That’s not unusual. Why not buy a few of the toys the bird had been used to playing with while here and put it in his cage. That should get him more
comfortable with his surroundings and loosen him up.” The man paid for the toys and took them home to the bird.

Two days later the guy showed back up. “Still not talking, huh?” asked the manager. “Well, perhaps a birdbath would do the trick.” The credit card was whipped out, the purchase made, and the guy was back home with his new birdbath.

And, like clockwork, two days later the guy was back to complain that the bird STILL hadn’t said one word. This time the shop owner scratched his head and said, “You know,
sometimes the bird would be praised in his training and allowed to ring this bell.” The guy was hesitant, but he really wanted to hear the bird talk, so he reluctantly purchased the
bell.

Two days later, the guy was back in the shop. This time the pet shop owner suggested the bird was lonely. The guy was upset that he’d have to purchase ANOTHER bird when the
first one wasn’t talking. The pet shop owner told him that, no, he wouldn’t have to do that. Just buy a mirror and trick the bird into thinking he had company.

You guessed. Two days later, the man was back in the store, this time with the parrot. The parrot was dead. “What happened! Didn’t the bird ever talk?” asked the pet store
owner.

“Yep. Right before he died it said, ‘Don’t they sell any fucking birdseed at that pet store?'”

Very interesting study…..

Robert Krulwich: Why Can’t We Walk Straight?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYcvLw_jkkk&feature=player_embedded#!

Hilarious British Animal Voiceovers

http://www.wimp.com/animalvoiceovers/

The Old Country Boy’s
Do ya know or do ya care
Words!

”Stewardesses” is the longest word typed with just the left hand
And “lollipop” is the longest with the right

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple

“Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”

There are only four words in the English Language which end in “dous”
Tremendous, horrendous, stupendous and hazardous

There are only two words that have all five vowels in order:
”abstemious” and “facetious”

“Typewriter” is the longest word that can be made using the letters of only one row of the keyboard.

A “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second

The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing

My wife told me I was no longer romantic, so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine’s night.
The problem was she sucks at snooker & eight-ball.

Amazing!
Truly and utterly Amazing!

If you don’t shoot clays or play golf, you can probably still have some understanding of how LUCKY this shot is!
Click on the link below.
http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=24990

You didn’t honestly think we were going to get through the whole issue of Dragon Laffs without some sort of input from Zack, did you?  Really?

Okay, let’s just go ahead and start the fight… (thanks to dad for sending me this one!)

The Green Bay Packers Are Good For America!

Every Red Blooded American should jump in line to support the Green Bay Packers! The (angelic) Packers defeated the (evil) Chicago Bears on Sunday afternoon thus earning them the opportunity to go to the Super Bowl. By doing so, they saved the Hard-Working, Red Blooded, Taxpaying Americans literally several million dollars of tax money.
How you say?
Simple… we were told that if the (evil) Chicago Bears had won that President Obama (and probably his family)would be attending the Super Bowl to cheer on his hometown team. Since the (evil) Bears lost…the President won’t be attending. The money saved from not using Air Force 1, the limousines, all the additional security, and let’s not forget  Michelle Obama’s entourage, is literally several million dollars!  Therefore every American should cheer on the (angelic) Green Bay Packers at the Super Bowl to show them our gratitude.With that said…let’s circulate this email to everyone we know so they can understand why they should cheer for America’s team…the (angelic) Green Bay Packers!

(Funny, but I feel driven to explain that the foregoing was written with tongue, firmly implanted in cheek!  And if you guys didn’t get that in the first place…then go ahead and get mad and write back.  I can’t wait to see those letters!  lol!)

 

 

And now a word from our very own C3PO (Chief  Pontification, “Prattlelation” and Procrastination Officer):

Good Morning Campers…

403 Subscribers…

Wow, that’s amazing to me.  And the thing is, you guys have all hung in there through thick and thin. 

Through good posts and bad and through prolific laffs (gotta love the way that little phrase rolls off the tongue…

“prolific laffs”

“prolific laffs”

“prolific laffs”)

and through …. um … not      so      prolific      laffs…

Okay, so that kind of ruined the whole thing.

Anyway, thanks for being there guys.

No news on the health front, I’ll let you know what the doctor has to say when I go.

Gearing up for a possible nother winter storm, should be great fun.  We’re kinda due one more

before the end of the winter.  We’ll have to see whether it pans out or not.

Anyway, what do you say we stop listening to me prattle and get to the fun stuff?

Let’s Laugh!

Terms to Know

TRAFFIC LIGHT — apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.
DIVORCE — postgraduate in School of Love.
PIONEER — early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.
PEOPLE — some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what’s happened.
SWIMMING POOL — a mob of people with water in it.
SELF-CONTROL — the ability to eat only one peanut.
SALESMAN — man with ability to convince wife she’d look fat in mink.
CANNIBAL — person who likes to see other people stewed.
EGOCENTRIC — a person who believes he is everything you know you are.
FOREIGN FILM — any movie shown in Texas theater that isn’t a western.
OPTIMIST — girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
MAGAZINE — bunch of printed pages that tell you what’s coming in the next issue.
COLLEGE — The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.
EMERGENCY NUMBERS — Police station, fire department and places that deliver.
OPERA — When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.
BUFFET — A French word that means “Get up and get it yourself.”
BABY-SITTER — A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.
TATTOO — Permanent proof of temporary insanity.

 

The Top 5 Things Overheard at Jack LaLanne’s Funeral

(Fitness guru Jack LaLanne, who guilted us all from our TV screens for decades, died Sunday January 23rd at age 96.)

5> “Per Mr. LaLanne’s request, his remains were juiced this morning. Now, if everyone would take a seat, we will each
     have a shot of Jack.”
4> “So I guess in the end, all that exercising didn’t do one damn bit of good. Who’s up for pizza?”
3> “I’m sure at this very moment, he’s on the Stairmaster to Heaven.”
2> “Calm down, everyone! That’s just reflexive muscle contractions from a lifetime of doing sit-ups.”
                 and Topfive.com’s Number 1 Thing Overheard at Jack LaLanne’s Funeral…
1> “If this guy ever comes back as a zombie, we are are all SOOOO f$%^ed!”

[ Copyright 2011 by Chris White/TopFive.com ]

 

The more you think about this one, the funnier it gets.

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour
shift.  Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of
her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she
looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:
‘Well, that’s great….that’s just great….Some asshole’s got my pen!’

From our Loyal Camper K-Squared.

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then – just to loosen up and be a part of the crowd.

Inevitably, though, one thought led to another and soon I was more than just a  social thinker.

I began to  think alone — “to relax,” I told myself — but I knew it wasn’t true.   Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was  thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home.  One evening I turned off the TV  and asked my wife about the meaning of life.  She spent that  night at her mother’s.

I began to  think on the job.  I knew that thinking and employment don’t mix,  but I couldn’t help myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius,   Camus and Kafka.  I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, “What is it exactly that we are doing here?”

One day the  boss called me in.  He said, “Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem.  If you  don’t stop thinking on the job, you’ll have to find another job.”

This gave me a  lot to think about.  I came home early after my conversation with  the boss. “Honey,” I confessed, “I’ve been thinking…”

“I know you’ve  been thinking,” she said, “and I want a divorce!”  “But Honey,  surely it’s not that serious.”  “It is serious,” she said, her lower lip aquiver.

“You think as much as college professors and college professors don’t make any  money, so if you keep on thinking, we won’t have any money!”

“That’s a  fallacious syllogism,” I said impatiently.

She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.

“I’m going to  the library,” I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some John Locke.  I roared into the  parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass  doors.

They didn’t open.  The library was closed.

To this day, I  believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night..

Leaning on the  unfeeling glass and whimpering for Emerson, a poster caught my eye,  “Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?” it asked. Stop before it’s too late for you.

You probably recognize that line.  It comes from the standard Thinkers  Anonymous poster.

This is why I  am what I am today: a recovering thinker.

I never miss a  TA meeting.  At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was “Porky’s.” Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.  Life just seemed  easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.  I think the road  to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today I took  the final step… I joined the Democratic  Party

Impish and I are looking for those of you willing to help out with Karl’s Intervention before its too late to return him to common sense and rational thought.

Josh Groban Sings Kanye West Tweets

 

Opinion: Patriotism decried as civil rights violation

Written by: William Lutz 12/21/2010 11:27 AM

Earlier this year, the elected State Board of Education passed new social studies standards that insist that children learn why America is unique and special among nations. The State Board of Education wants kids to know more about Thomas Jefferson and George Washington than just the fact that they owned slaves.

But that doesn’t sit well with the Obama administration. The U.S. Department of Education is mad at Texas because Gov. Rick Perry refuses to hand over the authority to decide what Texans learn in schools to unelected bureaucrats in Washington DC. Specifically, the Texas Education Agency declined to participate in the federal government’s “Race to the Top” program that required adopting federal government curriculum standards.

It’s not terribly surprising, therefore, that Obama’s friends at left-wing civil rights organizations such as the National Organization for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) and the League of United Latin American Citizens (LULAC) are playing the race card on this. They raise money by finding racism everywhere. According to today’s Houston Chronicle, these groups have filed a complaint with the civil rights division at the U.S. Department of Education alleging discrimination. This complaint gives the Obama administration opportunity to try and harass Texas officials for insisting that our school curriculum get adopted by our elected State Board of Education, not the federal government. Hanging in the balance is whether schoolchildren in Texas public schools will learn about America’s founding fathers or get force-fed the same liberal, race-baiting garbage taught as multiculturalism at most major state universities.

Location: Blogs Lone Star Report: Will Lutz’s Blo

Leprechaun here Campers~

I had a brilliant idea yesterday, brilliance and ideas being my forte rather than the Dragon’s and after confiring with the Dragon he decided upon due and careful consideration (read that half an hour in the Little Dragon’s Room with a copy of Mad magazine) to give my idea a try. I’m going to do the heavy lifting with regard to assembling issues and he’s going to be responsible for the opening comments. This makes things easier on both of us and he doesn’t have as much to do and I don’t have to struggle with opening remarks which I find difficult. We’ll still probably be sticking to my original plan of an every other day posting with slightly longer posts however.

So without further preamble I give you the founder of DragonLaffs our C.P.O. (Chief Pontificating Officer), ImpishDragon!

Good Morning campers!

We hope everyone is doing well or as well as can be expected on a cold and windy Thursday.
What?  You say it’s not cold and windy where you are?  Well, isn’t that odd.  And here I thought that where ever I was, was the center of the world and all other places derived from there.  Hmm….I’ll have to give that some thought.  That alone ought to take most of a day.
I wish to thank EVERYONE (and I do mean about everyone) for all the wonderfully kind messages and emails sent on my behalf.  Right now I don’t know anything more than I did the last time I wrote you.  I’m just waiting on the doctor to get a hold of me and set up an appointment.  The good news is….or would seem that the longer it takes them to make me an appointment, the less likely it is to be important.
Nah!
They’re just screwin’ with me!
LOL.
Anyway, what do you say, we get on with the laughter and jokes?

 

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

“I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”

“Very good, Jenny,” said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn.

The teacher held her breath …

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467,” he said.

“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”

“Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny.

“Toothbrushes!” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?”

“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.”

They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like dog poop!”

Then I would say,”It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”

“I used the progressive liberal government’s strategy of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get that taste out of your mouth.”

 

 

The 100 MPH Goat

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The  first hunter says, “Wow, that’s some hole; I can’t even see the bottom; wunder how deep it is.”

The  second redneck says,” I don’t know, let’s throw somethin’ in, then listen and see how long it takes to hit  bottom.”

The  first guy says, “There’s an old transmission over there in the grass, give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and see”.

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, two, three, and throw it in the hole.

They’re standing by the hole listening and looking over the edge, and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head  first.

While standing there looking at each other and looking in the hole trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

“Say there,” says the farmer, “you fellers didn’t happen to see a goat around here anywhere, did you?”

One of the rednecks says, ” Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!”

The old farmer says, “That’s impossible, I had him tied to an old transmission!”.

 

 

 I’m guessing Zack is none too happy abut all the competition for a daily groaner because I have received quite a few from him. In truth I practically had to steal Mr. Peabody’s Way Back Machine to find the last time we used one of his. He’s brought his A game to the table this time though!

A university professor is lecturing a class, the subject for the day being the mating habits of the alligator. The professor says, “The female alligator lays three million four hundred thousand eggs at one time. The male alligator eats three million, three hundred and ninety-five of those eggs.”
From the back of the room, a student raises his hand and asks, “Sir, why does the male alligator eat all those eggs?”
The professor answers, “Because if he didn’t, we’d be up to our asses in alligators!”

President Barack Obama said in Turkey : “We do not consider ourselves a Christian nation or a Jewish nation or a Muslim nation. We consider ourselves a nation of citizens who are bound by ideals and a set of values.”

I  found this, (if not like most of the things that spill from his lips ill informed and grossly misstated) very interesting .
Do you know the Preamble for your state?

Alabama 1901, Preamble We the people of the State of   Alabama , invoking the favor and guidance of Almighty God, do ordain and establish the following Constitution.

Alaska 1956, Preamble We, the people of   Alaska , grateful to God and to those who founded our nation and pioneered this great land.

Arizona 1911, Preamble We, the people of the State of  Arizona , grateful to Almighty God for our liberties, do ordain this Constitution. 

Arkansas 1874, Preamble We, the people of the State of   Arkansas , grateful to Almighty God for the privilege of choosing our own form of government.. .

California 1879, Preamble We, the People of the State of   California , grateful to Almighty God for our freedom…

Colorado 1876, Preamble We, the people of   Colorado , with profound reverence for the Supreme Ruler of Universe….

Connecticut 1818, Preamble.. The People of Connecticut , acknowledging with gratitude the good Providence of God in  permitting them to enjoy.

Delaware 1897, Preamble Through Divine Goodness all men have, by nature, the rights of worshiping and serving their Creator according to the dictates of their consciences. ..

Florida 1885, Preamble We, the people of the State of   Florida , grateful to Almighty God for our constitutional liberty, establish this Constitution. ..

Georgia 1777, Preamble We, the people of   Georgia , relying upon protection and guidance of Almighty God, do ordain and establish this Constitution. ..

Hawaii 1959, Preamble We , the people of   Hawaii , Grateful for Divine Guidance … Establish this Constitution.

 Idaho 1889, Preamble We, the people of the State of   Idaho, grateful to Almighty God for our freedom, to secure its blessings..

Illinois 1870, Preamble We, the people of the State of Illinois, grateful to Almighty God for the civil , political and religious liberty which He hath so long permitted us to enjoy and looking to Him for a blessing on our endeavors.

Indiana 1851, Preamble We, the People of the State of   Indiana , grateful to Almighty God for the free exercise of the right to choose our form of government.

Iowa 1857, Preamble We, the People of the State of Iowa , grateful to the Supreme Being for the blessings hitherto enjoyed, and feeling our dependence on Him for a continuation of these blessings, establish this Constitution.

Kansas 1859, Preamble We, the people of Kansas , grateful to Almighty God for our civil and religious privileges establish this Constitution.

Kentucky 1891, Preamble.. We, the people of the Commonwealth are grateful to Almighty God for the civil, political and religious liberties..

Louisiana 1921, Preamble We, the people of the State of   Louisiana , grateful to Almighty God for the civil, political and religious liberties we enjoy.

Maine 1820, Preamble We the People of Maine acknowledging with grateful hearts the goodness of the Sovereign Ruler of the Universe in affording us an opportunity .. And imploring His aid and direction.

Maryland 1776, Preamble We, the people of the state of   Maryland , grateful to Almighty God for our civil and religious liberty…

Massachusetts 1780, Preamble We….the people of Massachusetts, acknowledging with grateful hearts, the goodness of the Great Legislator of the Universe In the course of His Providence, an opportunity and devoutly imploring His direction

Michigan 1908, Preamble..   We, the people of the State of   Michigan , grateful to Almighty God for the blessings of freedom, establish this Constitution.

Minnesota, 1857, Preamble We, the people of the State of Minnesota, grateful to God for our civil and religious liberty, and desiring to perpetuate its blessings:

Mississippi 1890, Preamble We, the people of Mississippi in convention assembled, grateful to Almighty God, and invoking His blessing on our work.

Missouri 1845, Preamble We, the people of   Missouri , with profound reverence for the Supreme Ruler of the Universe, and grateful for His goodness . Establish this Constitution. ..

Montana 1889, Preamble. We, the people of   Montana , grateful to Almighty God for the blessings of liberty establish this Constitution .

Nebraska 1875, Preamble We, the people, grateful to Almighty God for our freedom . Establish this Constitution.

Nevada 1864, Preamble We the people of the State of Nevada, grateful to Almighty God for our freedom, establish this Constitution. ..

New Hampshire 1792,   Part   I. Art. I. Sec. V Every individual has a natural and unalienable right to worship God according to the dictates of his own conscience.

New Jersey 1844, Preamble We, the people of the State of New Jersey, grateful to Almighty God for civil and religious liberty which He hath so long permitted us to enjoy, and looking to Him for a blessing on our endeavors.

New Mexico 1911, Preamble We, the People of New Mexico, grateful to Almighty God for the blessings of liberty..

New York 1846, Preamble We, the people of the State of   New York , grateful to Almighty God for our freedom, in order to secure its blessings.

North Carolina 1868, Preamble We the people of the State of North Carolina, grateful to Almighty God, the Sovereign Ruler of Nations, for our civil, political, and religious liberties, and acknowledging our dependence upon Him for the continuance of those…

North Dakota 1889, Preamble We , the people of   North Dakota , grateful to Almighty God for the blessings of civil and religious liberty, do ordain…

Ohio 1852, Preamble We the people of the state of   Ohio , grateful to Almighty God for our freedom, to secure its blessings and to promote our common.

Oklahoma 1907, Preamble Invoking the guidance of Almighty God, in order to secure and perpetuate the blessings of liberty, establish this

Oregon 1857, Bill of Rights, Article I Section 2. All men shall be secure in the Natural right, to worship Almighty God according to the dictates of their consciences

Pennsylvania 1776, Preamble We, the people of Pennsylvania, grateful to Almighty God for the blessings of civil and religious liberty, and humbly invoking His guidance….

Rhode Island 1842, Preamble. We the People of the State of Rhode Island grateful to Almighty God for the civil and religious liberty which He hath so long permitted us to enjoy, and looking to Him for a blessing…

South Carolina 1778, Preamble We, the people of the State of South Carolina grateful to God for our liberties, do ordain and establish this Constitution.

South Dakota 1889, Preamble We, the people of  South Dakota , grateful to Almighty God for our civil and religious liberties …

Tennessee 1796, Art. XI..III. That all men have a natural and indefeasible right to worship Almighty God according to the dictates of their conscience.. .

Texas 1845, Preamble We the People of the  Republic of  Texas , acknowledging, with gratitude, the grace and beneficence of God.

Utah 1896, Preamble Grateful to Almighty God for life and liberty, we establish this Constitution.

Vermont 1777, Preamble Whereas all government ought to enable the individuals who compose it to enjoy their natural rights, and other blessings which the Author of Existence has bestowed on man ..

Virginia 1776, Bill of Rights, XVI Religion, or the Duty which we owe our Creator can be directed only by Reason and that it is the mutual duty of all to practice Christian Forbearance, Love and Charity towards each other

Washington 1889, Preamble We the People of the State of Washington, grateful to the Supreme Ruler of the Universe for our liberties, do ordain this Constitution

West Virginia 1872, Preamble Since through Divine Providence we enjoy the blessings of civil, political and religious liberty, we, the people of West Virginia reaffirm our faith in and constant reliance upon God .

 Wisconsin 1848, Preamble We, the people of Wisconsin, grateful to Almighty God for our freedom, domestic tranquility. ..

Wyoming 1890, Preamble We, the people of the State of  Wyoming, grateful to God for our civil, political, and religious liberties, establish this Constitution. ..

After reviewing acknowledgments of God from all 50 state constitutions, one is faced with the prospect that maybe, Obama, the ACLU and the out-of-control federal courts are wrong! God have mercy on their souls!

Good afternoon campers Leprechaun here once again~

Well we’ve heard from the Dragon yesterday with his update that could have easily been called The State of Dragon Laffs Address. While I will endeavor to pick up as much of the slack as I can there is no way I can fill his scales or pick up all of the duties on a daily basis in the long term. I have a myriad of ongoing issues and problems here at Firebase Leprechaun which are eating up considerable amount of my personal time and efforts which unfortunately have to take precedence. I truly hate it when life gets in the way of the Internet. Consequently it is likely that you will be receiving something slightly longer than normal and on an every other day basis until such time as things begin to sort themselves out and what passes for normalcy and sanity here or at the Dragon’s Den returns.

Speaking of Impish, as the resident Doctor of Voodoo, Witchery, Holistic Medicine, Quackery and Veterinary Care here at DragonLaffs at Impish’s request I was forwarded a copy of all the results to his medical poking and prodding of late. After careful review and the studying of entrails as well as several procedures of my own designed solely to make Impish scream about cold hands and instruments because its so much fun to do, I have arrived at my own conclusion with which Impish is inclined to agree. His problem is all psychosomatic, a fancy way of saying its all in his mind. See, he has been pretending that he is a Dragon for so long that he’s finally convinced his brain he is a dragon and where the brain leads the body follows obediently. In actuality what is grown on his spine is not a cyst etc, but in fact the beginnings of a Dragon’s tail!  Now if I could only contract the same affliction and grow a pot of gold!

And now with out further ado….

On With The Merriment!

Must…Follow..Instructions…of…Strangely…Compelling…Signage!

The family all got together recently, and were just hanging around at Mom and Dad’s.
My sister was browsing through an almanac and laughed at a little piece of trivia she had found in the book, which she then read aloud; “Did you know that a woman’s breasts increase in size by 10% during sex?”
My brother-in-law, a notorious joker, shot back, “So, how come yours don’t?”
My father, from behind his newspaper and without even a pause, replied, “You’re not pumping hard enough.”
______________

A guy walks into a country bar down in Arkansas and orders a white wine.
All the rednecks sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some Yankee.
The bartender says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”
The guy says, “No, I’m from Idaho .”
Not knowing where Idaho is, the bartender says, “What do you do in Idaho ?”
The guy says, “I’m a taxidermist.”
The bartender says, “A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?”
“No, a taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi. I mount animals.”
The bartender grins and hollers, “It’s okay boys. He’s one of us.”

 

A NEW JERSEY ITALIAN BOY’S CONFESSION: 
‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned.  I have been with a loose girl’. 
The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?’ 
‘Yes, Father, it is.’ 
‘And who was the girl you were with?’ 
‘I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation’ 
Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell  me now. 
‘Was it Tina  Minetti?’ 
‘I cannot say.’ 
‘Was it Teresa  Mazzarelli?’ 
‘I’ll never  tell.’ 
‘ Was it Nina  Capelli?’ 
‘I’m sorry, but I  cannot name her.’ 
‘Was it Cathy  Piriano?’ 
‘My lips are   sealed.’ 
‘Was it Rosa Di  Angelo, then?’ 
‘Please, Father, I  cannot tell you.’ 
The priest sighs in frustration. ‘You’re very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I  admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave  yourself.’ 
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ‘What’d  you get?’ 
‘4 months vacation and five good leads. ‘

“Church Supper”

A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis to socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but, mushrooms are expensive.

She then told her husband, no mushrooms, they are too high. He said, ‘Why don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed..’ She said, ‘No, some wild mushrooms are poison.’ He said, ‘Well, I see varmints eating them and they’re OK.’

So, Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol’ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful.

Ole’ Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol’ Spot and the wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played Phase 10 and Mexican train dominoes. About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet’s ear, ‘Mrs. Williams, Ol’ Spot just died.’

Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, ‘That’s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We’ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone’s stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.’

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMT’s and the doctor had suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, ‘I think everything will be fine now.’ Then he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room, and about this time, the helper lady came in and said, ‘You know, that fellow that ran over Ole’ Spot never even stopped .’

 

Women are like country western songs.
They’re annoying and they all sound alike, but if you really listen to
them, you’ll get depressed and drink a lot.
—
“If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can’t
have a headache and sex at the same time?”   — Billy Connolly

—

A man goes into a Barnes & Noble bookstore and asks the young lady
assistant, “Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?

She replies, “I’m not sure if it’s in yet.”

The man said, “That’s the one!  I’ll take a copy.”

A guy broke into our apartment last week. He didn’t take the TV just the remote.

Now he commits drive by channel changings nightly.

SICK BASTARD!

Oddest Stories of 2010 Part 10

This is the last part in our 10 part series.

The dog who swallowed a $20,000-worth diamond in a jewelry.

A diamond dealer never imagined that his $20,000 dollar diamond would make for a good dog biscuit, but a dog named Sully had other plans. In March 2010, the dealer brought the $20,000 dollar gem into the Robert Bernard Jewelry Store to show owners Robert Rosin and George Kaufmann, but dropped it when he went to pull it from his pocket. In the blink of an eye, Sully, a golden retriever, pounced on the diamond and sent it down the hatch; it was by far the priciest dog treat Sully had ever tasted. Sully’s expensive taste sent the owners of the jewelry store owners into a panic. A quick call to the vet and the owner’s had a plan to retrieve the gem — allow nature to take its course and don’t leave Sully out of your sight.
Owner Kaufmann says it was an unpleasant experience, as he had to no only follow Sully, but also check up on the dog’s bathroom breaks in hopes of finding the diamond.After three days of careful search, Sully gave up the goods and the owners were able to return the stone back to its owner — after a thorough shine and polish. Sully is back on a steady diet of regular doggy treats. (Link)

Ok I admit it this one has me stumped for a witty retort beyond the obvious puns!