Dragon Laffs #1161


Good Morning my tiny campers… (Sung to the tune of Elton John’s Tiny Dancer)…

Anyway…

Get ready for the blizzard of 2011!
The National Weather Service has issued a “Winter Storm Watch” for everywhere in the world.  Personally, we could see up to a foot and a half of snow.  Snow falling at 3 inches an hour; winds up to 30 mph which could potentially form drifts high enough to close roads and cover your house.
Wooo Hoooo!  I can hardly wait!  I’ll take pictures and try and keep you informed.  In the meantime, check this out: http://www.weather.com/outlook/videos/dangerous-winter-storm-this-week-365
Yup, effective over 100 million people and 29 states.  Gonna be great fun.  So.  Make sure you have enough staples for the next couple of days, make sure you have a full tank of gas and a back-up plan incase the power/heat goes off.  What’s your plan B?  You gotta have a plan B.
What’s my plan B?  Well, since I don’t have a fireplace to keep us warm in case the heat goes out and because it’s supposed to get WAY down there in temperature, my plan B is to move my little family about a mile down the street to billeting on base where they have a generator.  I also have a plan C in mind and the workings of a plan D…. just in case.
Anyway….why are we talking about all this gloomy stuff?  It’s gonna be great fun! We’re all gonna get buried in the snow for a couple of days (the heat and power are going to stay on) and we’re all going to cuddle and have fun with our families and even fall back on the great Eskimo past time of getting buried in the snow and making babies all winter long….or at least practicing to make babies.

Okay, enough!

Sheesh!

Get on with it dragon!  Let’s Laugh!

(Wow, where in the world did all that nonsense come from?  I gotta get some new material…

…and now, I’m talking to myself….

…through the keyboard…

…in the e-zine…

…man, I need help…)

959

Young Brian was an absolute nut on physical fitness.  Every morning before his early breakfast, unless the weather was unusually cold or foul, he put on his gym suit and jogged around the reservoir in the park. That done, he would indulge in calisthenics of some sort.

One morning, when the sun was peeping over the horizon and the dew lay refreshingly cool on the grass in the deserted park, Brian, his jogging done, threw himself down behind a line of hedges and began a strenuous series
of pushups.

That same morning old Lushley was also in the park, wending his way home; but for him it was still the evening before. His tuxedo was incredibly rumpled, his hat unimaginable askew; and there emerged from him in every direction a powerful aroma of some alcoholic beverage. His tottering footsteps somehow brought him behind the row of hedges, and he stopped short as he watched Brian at his pushups.

After a few moments, he extended his cane uncertainly and managed to tap Brian on the shoulder. “Young man,” he said, “I hate to be a bearer of ill tidings, but if you will take a close look, you will notice that your girl is no longer there.”

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DragonPapa1 (93)

Tips re: English Grammer

1. Don’t abbrev.
2. Check to see if you any words out.
3. Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.
4. About sentence fragments.
5. When dangling, don’t use participles.
6. Don’t use no double negatives.
7. Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
8. Just between You and i, case is important.
9. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
10. Don’t use commas, that aren’t necessary.
11. Its important to use apostrophe’s right.
12. It’s better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive.
13. Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without an object.
14. Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized. also a sentence should.
15. begin with a capital and end with a period
16. Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-word phrase.
17. In letters compositions reports and things like that we use commas
18. to keep a string of items apart.
19. Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into our language.
20. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
21. Avoid unnecessary redundancy.
22. A writer mustn’t shift your point of view.
23. Don’t write a run-on sentence you’ve got to punctuate it.
24. A preposition isn’t a good thing to end a sentence with.
25. Avoid clichés like the plague.

960seriously,whatdoesthismean
Seriously, what the heck does this mean?

An Oldie, but goodie…

A One-Wish Genie

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold ‘a genie’ appeared! The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, “Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I’m a one-wish genie. So… what’ll it be?”
The woman did not hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.”
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I’m good but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.”
The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know, one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time and is faithful. That’s what I wish for… a good man.”
The genie let out a sigh and said, “Let me see that map again…”

 

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Aah, the Golden Years!
SPECIAL POEM FOR OLDER FOLKS
A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won’t stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won’t shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I’m happy when I’m not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze..
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won’t fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I’d really like to know………..
Is what tells each one where to go!
 

961

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”
Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
Jacob: “How about suppositories?”
Pharmacist: “You bet!”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer’s?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely..”
Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
Pharmacist: “We sure do.”
Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”
Jacob: “Adult diapers?”
Pharmacist: “Sure.”
Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”

 

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Okay, this is WAY Cool!  I don’t understand it, but it is WAY Cool!

This is a technique in photography known as Tilt Shift. It’s a severe forced focusing that limits the focused focal plane to a very specific area. The result makes the subject look like a miniature.

This is an example of motion tilt shift that is sped up. It looks absolutely fake. It isn’t.

The Sandpit

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fk9EBOOAYiU&feature=player_embedded#

961meanwhileonthe island of dr moreau
Does this mean that I am on the Island of Dr. Moreau?

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.”
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.”
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School and said, “Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?”
She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”

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Think Outside Your Box
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car. Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
THINK ABOUT IT BEFORE YOU SCROLL DOWN. THINK THINK THINK WHAT DID HE SAY?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
He simply answered: “I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams.”
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to “Think Outside of the Box.”

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This guy wanted a parrot who talked. He asked the pet store manager if there was a bird who was already speaking. The manager directed the guy to a bird by the window. “This bird has a vocabulary of 1000 words and another 50 phrases that would fit most occasions.”

The guy bought the bird and took it home.

Next day, the guy was back in the pet store to complain. The bird hadn’t said a word.
The pet store manager said, “That’s not unusual. Why not buy a few of the toys the bird had been used to playing with while here and put it in his cage. That should get him more
comfortable with his surroundings and loosen him up.” The man paid for the toys and took them home to the bird.

Two days later the guy showed back up. “Still not talking, huh?” asked the manager. “Well, perhaps a birdbath would do the trick.” The credit card was whipped out, the purchase made, and the guy was back home with his new birdbath.

And, like clockwork, two days later the guy was back to complain that the bird STILL hadn’t said one word. This time the shop owner scratched his head and said, “You know,
sometimes the bird would be praised in his training and allowed to ring this bell.” The guy was hesitant, but he really wanted to hear the bird talk, so he reluctantly purchased the
bell.

Two days later, the guy was back in the shop. This time the pet shop owner suggested the bird was lonely. The guy was upset that he’d have to purchase ANOTHER bird when the
first one wasn’t talking. The pet shop owner told him that, no, he wouldn’t have to do that. Just buy a mirror and trick the bird into thinking he had company.

You guessed. Two days later, the man was back in the store, this time with the parrot. The parrot was dead. “What happened! Didn’t the bird ever talk?” asked the pet store
owner.

“Yep. Right before he died it said, ‘Don’t they sell any fucking birdseed at that pet store?'”

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Very interesting study…..

Robert Krulwich: Why Can’t We Walk Straight?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYcvLw_jkkk&feature=player_embedded#!

962

Hilarious British Animal Voiceovers

http://www.wimp.com/animalvoiceovers/

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Future

Gator

The Old Country Boy’s
Do ya know or do ya care
Words!

”Stewardesses” is the longest word typed with just the left hand
And “lollipop” is the longest with the right

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple

“Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”

There are only four words in the English Language which end in “dous”
Tremendous, horrendous, stupendous and hazardous

There are only two words that have all five vowels in order:
”abstemious” and “facetious”

“Typewriter” is the longest word that can be made using the letters of only one row of the keyboard.

A “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second

The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing

963

My wife told me I was no longer romantic, so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine’s night.
The problem was she sucks at snooker & eight-ball.

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naughtiest-advertisements-ever-24

naughtiest-advertisements-ever-29

Amazing!
Truly and utterly Amazing!

If you don’t shoot clays or play golf, you can probably still have some understanding of how LUCKY this shot is!
Click on the link below.

http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=24990

964

You didn’t honestly think we were going to get through the whole issue of Dragon Laffs without some sort of input from Zack, did you?  Really?
Groaner Zack

If I were to become disillusioned and leave my job working the guillotine during the French Revolution, I doubt I’d have the guts to ask for some kind of severance package.

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Okay, let’s just go ahead and start the fight… (thanks to dad for sending me this one!)

The Green Bay Packers Are Good For America!

Every Red Blooded American Packers1should jump in line to support the Green Bay Packers! The (angelic) chicago_bears_helmetPackers defeated the (evil) Chicago Bears on Sunday afternoon thus earning them the opportunity to go to the Super Bowl. By doing so, they saved the Hard-Working, taxpayer-screwedRed Blooded, Taxpaying Americans money wavingliterally several million dollars of tax money.
MoneyHow you say?
Simple… we were told that if the
(evil) Chicago Bears had won that President Obama (and probably his family)would be attending the Super Bowl to cheer on his hometown team. Since the (evil) Bears lost…the President won’t be attending. The money saved from not using Air Force 1, Air Force Onethe limousines, all the additional security, and let’s not forget  Michelle Obama’s entourage, is literally several million dollars!  Therefore every American should cheer on the (angelic) Green Bay Packers at the Super Bowl to show them our gratitude.With that said…let’s circulate this email to everyone we know so they can understand why they should cheer for America’s team…the
(angelic) Green Bay Packers!

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(Funny, but I feel driven to explain that the foregoing was written with tongue, firmly implanted in cheek!  And if you guys didn’t get that in the first place…then go ahead and get mad and write back.  I can’t wait to see those letters!  lol!)

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One Response to Dragon Laffs #1161

  1. Tom says:

    GO PACKERS! I’ll bet not many think about how much could be saved if Obama would give up even a few of his vacations or just take a permanent one. Could I say GO OBAMA! instead?
    I was looking at some statistics while trying to figure a way to get us out of dept. $114 million could be saved in only one year by executing those on death row just in California. I looked at several sources that said if we did this nationwide we could save about 8 billion dollars in a year. Why keep these people alive at such a high cost when there is no hope for them? The money spent on good ol’ Charlie Manson alone could have sent several illegal mexicans to school.
    I’m not sure about all the figures because they were not consistent, but the California ones are. I found that in the 1960’s the number on death row in the U.S. was around 350 and now it’s close to 4000.
    The number of child killings, murder by rape and cop killings might be reduced if the offenders received a more harsh penalty than a drunk driver does.
    Where is Judge Roy Bean? I say we need to resurrect him!

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