Good Morning Campers!!!!
It is now time to catch everyone up on what’s going on. where we are, and where we are going.

The Good News: I don’t have cancer (probably).

The Bad News: I do have a growth (fluid sac, lesion, cyst) on the S-1 joint of my spine. This is pushing on the nerve bundle that is down in that area.  Consequently causing pain, dizziness, pain, shaking, pain, weakness, pain, nausea, pain, and overwhelming, completely distracting pain.  (For instance…for what you have read so far of this piece, it has taken me over 30 minutes to write.  I continue to be distracted by falling asleep at the key board, pain and an inability to really concentrate.)

Okay, so let’s take out five minutes to feel bad for the dragon……………

………………………

Okay, we’re done.

So, now, what do we have to do?  Well, I have to go see the doctor, follow his instructions, and do whatever I can to make myself healthy and better.  I have to be nice to myself…..it’s time for me to put myself first.
What does that mean for you?  Well, you have to understand that Dragon Laffs is not going to continue to come out like it did.  I’m sorry for that.

Our dear friend Lethal, with the help of all of you, will continue to put out a fine e-zine.  And before you think that I’m going to disappear for ever, it’s not going to happen.  I’m going to be around, I’m going to continue to do Dragon Laffs, just not as fast as I used to do.  Mostly because it’s going to take a lot longer to put together.

Thank you all for understanding and sticking with us through thick and thin.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Morning campers Assistant Camper Director and Head Shenanigans Councilor Leprechaun here!

Seems the Impish one and I just cannot catch a break as of late. He worked extra long and extra hard (well relative to his NORMAL work ethic which isn’t much of one) so as to be able to catch at least SOME of both play off games yesterday. AT least that was his plan. Seems he over did it with work (as unaccustomed as he is to it) and was forced to retire and rest after managing to last long enough to see the Packers win. Well, it was either that or profound sadness and depression upon my explaining the “Cheeseheads” was only a nickname owing to the color of Greenbay’s helmets and that the players were NOT actually made of cheese and therefore a potential part of a Dragons diet.

On top of that from the limited conversation I had with him (3 lines worth) seems some VIP felt the need to have his ego masturbated and pulled a no notice “I’m-important-in-my-own-mind-so-I-need-a-tour-of-shit-I-have-no-business- or-right-to-be-getting-one-of-and-right-now” dog and pony show for which the Dragon is responsible for making happen.

Mean while here at my tree house my U-verse service basically has a 300 foot bandage on it temporary bandage on it, a wire has been run from the far opposite end of the building across the rear of the entire length, in one of my windows and nearly the entire depth of my apartment to their Gateway to make things run. After 2 different techs pointed fingers at each other Friday I had another here for five hours Saturday who has finally (an more importantly convincingly) accessed the blame for the problems on the forty year old building wiring between their box and my apartment. SIGH! NOW the property management company for the complex I live in has to get involved and get an electrician to come out and run new wiring before U-verse can come back and put things to rights. This means that because the repair ticket is not closed that every four hours I get a call AND a text message from ATT demanding I declare the repair complete OR schedule an appointment for completion. Well the repair is NOT complete and I can’t schedule the repair until I know when the new lines are being run. Apparently everyone at ATT is in subservence to their computer (anyone ever see the 60’s Science Fiction movie Colossus the Forbin Project? )

 

Now Lets Get to the Laughing Shall We?

Responsible Texan

I saw a fundamentalist Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River this morning; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.

Along with him was an illegal Hispanic drug cartel member who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.

If they didn’t get help, they’d surely drown.

Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff ‘s Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.

I’m starting to think I wasted two stamps….

A Very unusual herd of deer…

An Iroquois legend proves to be true.  A very unusual herd of deer…whitetails…yes, but more.  Wisconsin near border with Michigan’s U. P.

Turn up the sound and enjoy!

http://www.pbs.org:80/wgbh/pages/frontline/video/flv/generic.html?s=inwi10s22a3q81f

 

 

 

Seems everyone wants in on Zack’s Groaners. Today comes from Bob:

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

How was he killed?” asked one detective.

With a golf gun,” the other detective replied.

A golf gun?!

What is a golf gun?” ”

I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.”

This  morning a coalition of Muslim leaders warned the United States that if  military action against Muslim countries continues, they intend to cut off  America’s supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers. If this action does not yield  sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, ATT and  AOL customer service reps. Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened  not to send us any more Presidents either. It’s gonna get ugly,  people.

Gratuitous Dragon Photo

 

Recently Impish told me he was tired of my riding his ass all the time and I had better find something else or another dragon to ride. So just to annoy him, I did both! Here it is, it even kind of looks a a little like him!:

I will say that the exhaust that comes out of THIS dragon is a lot easier to tolerate than the exhaust that comes out of Impish!

Oddest Stories of 2010 Part 9

The Flight Attendant who quit his job during a flight using the emergency slide.

In August 2010, Steven Slater, a flight attendant of JetBlue airlines, got into an argument with a passenger during boarding at a Pittsburgh airport. He finally had enough of his job, quit, and opened the emergency slide on the plane in order to leave. He grabbed the intercom and said: “To the passenger who called me a mother ——, —- you. “I’ve been in the business 28 years. I’ve had it. That’s it.” Mr. Slater then activated the emergency exit and slid down the inflatable slide on to the tarmac. He then boarded a train to the terminal, stripping off his tie and discarding it to the astonishment of bemused onlookers. Slater was later arrested and charged with reckless endangerment and criminal mischief. (Link | Via)

“Slip sliding away, slip sliding away. You know the nearer your destination, the more you slip sliding away.” ~ Simon & Garfunkel

Continuing with my less is more commentaries via photo or cartoon that seem to have been doing so well as of late here’s another that needs no additional commentary after it.

Good Morning Fellow Campers a teeth chattering and shivering Leprechaun here~

As I am writing this in my palatial tree house I evicted those Keebler guys from for non-payment of their 1000 year lease and promptly remodeled (do you have ANY idea how long the odors of chocolate and burnt cookies hangs around?!) on the outskirts of Houston Texas, less than an hours drive from the Gulf of Mexico electronic device galore are telling me its 31 degrees outside and FEELS like 24! Now SOME of you may be thinking that’s NOT a big deal, particularly fairies that spend time in Minnesota. You need to understand that homes here (particularly tree houses built during the early 1970’s were built to keep cool during our warm/hot/I’m-going-to-spend-the-summer-in-Hell-because-it’s-cooler-there season which starts about March and runs until mid November. Heating and staying warm here are after thoughts. We actually have businesses that are closing today or closed for the day because it’s too cold in them for the employees to work!

You may notice this edition of Leprechaun Laffs is labeled “Weekend Edition”. Due to an overwhelming and crushing workload as well as other personal appointments the Dragon will likely not be joining us until Monday or possibly as late as Tuesday. Normally this is NOT an issue for us and there would be two issues of Leprechaun Laffs, one for Friday and one for Saturday. Unfortunately I am again experiencing issues with AT&T’s U-verse service and my internet connection is at best for the moment unreliable and has caused me much lots time grief and aggravation over the last 3 days. Allegedly a line crew is coming to fix the issue which is supposed to be sole their problem and outside the house. The thing is all I know is it will be sometime today and before 8 PM. <<Update: after 2 separate visits things are STILL not fixed and a 3rd is scheduled for Saturday Morning>>

Since this means it is unlikely that I will be uploading this until probably late today combining the two issues into a longer one seemed to make sense and had a higher probability of me not testing the upper limits of my blood pressure or discovering the point at which I stroke out in frustration.

Now, Lets Find Something To Laugh About Shall We?

It’s either THAT or a high-rise for Dogs!

Terms to Know

TRAFFIC LIGHT — apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.

DIVORCE — postgraduate in School of Love.

PIONEER — early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.

PEOPLE — some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what’s happened.

SWIMMING POOL — a mob of people with water in it.

SELF-CONTROL — the ability to eat only one peanut.

SALESMAN — man with ability to convince wife she’d look fat in mink.

CANNIBAL — person who likes to see other people stewed.

EGOCENTRIC — a person who believes he is everything you know you are.

FOREIGN FILM — any movie shown in Texas theater that isn’t a western.

OPTIMIST — girl who regards a bulge as a curve.

MAGAZINE — bunch of printed pages that tell you what’s coming in the next issue.

COLLEGE — The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.

EMERGENCY NUMBERS — Police station, fire department and places that deliver.

OPERA — When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

BUFFET — A French word that means “Get up and get it yourself.”

BABY-SITTER — A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.

TATTOO — Permanent proof of temporary insanity.

 

Oddest Stories of 2010 Part 8

The baby who survived a seven-story fall

In November 2010 a 15-month-old baby girl survived a seven story fall after she bounced off an awning into the arms of a man in Paris. The tot had been playing unsupervised with her older sister when she fell out of the window. A young man saw the baby starting to fall and alerted his father, who raced to get into position, arms outstretched, to catch her after she hit the awning. “He must have played rugby for years to have developed reflexes like that,” a bystander reported. The baby was lucky: normally the cafe owner closes the awning because people throw their cigarette butts on it. The baby girl is in the hospital, but is virtually unscathed. (Link)

I can think of SEVERAL NFL teams that should try signing this guy as they need ALL the help they can get!

Gratuitous Leprechaun Photo

Who Needs All Them Dragons Anyway?

From Loyal contributor Mike R.:

Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, “You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they’re fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it’s a wonder any work is getting done, and it’s making a mess all over the ship. I don’t know what to do!”

The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. “Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams. Then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold.”

“Well that’s a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I’m out a bag of gold every trip!”

“Not so,” replied the other captain. “After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time.”

The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend’s advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel.

When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. ‘This is great,’ thought the captain, ‘before long, I’ll be able to buy a new boat!’

This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out, “What’s the meaning of this?!”

“You sick bastard,” replied the cop. “Do you remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?”

“Sure,” said the captain. “What about ’em?!”

“Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!”

 

 

Unitary Conversions

This is pretty heavy scientific stuff:

1. Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

 

Really Impish You CANNOT Expect To Leave Photos Of Yourself

Just Laying Around And Think I Won’t Use Them!

 

From our good friend K-Squared:

“So let me get this straight,” the prosecutor says to the defendant. “You came home from work
early and found your wife in bed with a strange man.”

“That’s correct,” says the defendant.

“Upon which,” continues the prosecutor, “you take out a pistol and shot your wife, killing her.”

“That’s correct,” says the defendant.

“Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?” asked the prosecutor.

“It seemed easier,” replied the defendant, ” than shooting a different man every day!”

Gratuitous Dragon Photo

Apparently Impish was afraid you would forget all about him because I was taking such good care of you and sent this photo of himself allegedly hard at work. Not that he appears to be doing what he normally does when this was taken…not much!

Now it seems Lynn wants to muscle in on Zack’s groaner turf too!

The Indian With One Testicle
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was ‘Onestone’. He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,’ If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!’
The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, ‘Good morning, Onestone.’   He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do. Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until a woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away. Yellow Bird, who wasBlue Bird’s cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
and said, ‘Good to see you, Onestone.’
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn’t die!
Why ???

OH, come on… take a guess !!!

Think about it !!!

You’re going to love this !!!

Everyone knows…

You can’t kill Two Birds

with OneStone!!!

 

 

 

Well all good things must come to an end and despite the fact its Saturday Morning now and I am still unsure as to when i will be able to post this since my Internet is still undependable it time to put this issue to rest. Hopefully the crew that is scheduled to work on the lines leading to my apartment from the road today will correct the issues and I have this up by afternoon.

At any rate today’s Last Word comes to us courtesy of MikeR.

American taxpayers pay an enormous cost because of illegal immigration.   In Los Angeles County alone, taxpayers paid $1.6 billion for food stamps, education and public safety services for the children of illegal aliens in the year 2010.  That $1.6 billion is for just one county in the U. S.  No wonder California is $48 billion in the red.

Is there any doubt that we need to change the policy of giving citizenship to the children of illegal aliens?

California taxpayers pay record amount in benefits to the children of illegal aliens.

http://www.examiner.com/immigration-reform-in-national/california-taxpayers-pay-record-amount-benefits-to-children-of-illegal-aliens

Los Angeles Supervisor Michael D. Antonovich has just released data from the Department of Public Social Services which shows that in November 2010, $53 million in welfare benefits ($22 million CalWORKs and $31 million in Food Stamps) were given issued to illegal aliens for their U.S .-born children in Los Angeles County.

The record amount is an increase of almost $3 million from November 2009, and represents 22 percent of all CalWORKs and Food Stamp issuances in L.A. county.

In 2009, CalWORKs and Food Stamp benefits given to illegal aliens totaled almost $570 million. The total amount issued to illegal aliens cost in 2010, is estimated to be well over $600 million.

On Monday, Supervisor Antonovich told reporters: “When you add this to $550 million for public safety and nearly $500 million for healthcare, the total cost for illegal immigrants to county taxpayers exceeds $1.6 billion dollars a year — not including the hundreds of millions of dollars for education.”

In August 2009, Antonovich made public the-then staggering amount, which the taxpayers spent on illegal aliens, living in L.A. County. In June 2009 alone, the county paid out $48 million to the children of illegal aliens, an increase of $10 million over June 2007.

$26 million of that total came in the form of Food Stamps, while another $22 million was given to the illegal alien families in welfare checks. That is in addition to the more than $1 billion that the county spends annually on the medical treatment, education, emergency services, and incarceration of illegal aliens.

These figures continuously rising amounts explain why not only L.A. County, but the entire state of California are now in financial ruin.

In 2003, the American Southwest saw 77 hospitals enter bankruptcy due to unpaid medical bills incurred by illegal aliens. A staggering 84 hospitals in California have been forced to close their doors because of the growing crisis. Hospitals, which manage to remain open, then pass the unpaid costs onto the rest of us, which translates into more out-of-pocket expenses and higher insurance premiums for all Americans.

With 20 percent actual unemployment, huge trade deficits due to the loss of our manufacturing base, and a soaring national debt, we simply cannot afford to pay the bills for this nation’s illegal alien population.

If we are to once again find ourselves on firm financial footing, we can no longer accept elected representatives who choose to better represent a foreign national population, rather than those of us who actually pay their salaries.

Okay, everyone have a seat please…thank you.
You guys are going to love this trick.
It’s truly amazing!
I am going to make a fairy laugh.  Guaranteed.
First, I’m going to tell you how I’m going to do it and then I’m going to tell you who I did it to, and you’ll understand completely.  But this fairy WILL laugh. 
Now, just a little background information on fairies, just so you know how amazing a trick this is, fairies don’t laugh!  Oh, they’ll titter and giggle with their girl-friend fairies and smile and point at the cute boy fairies, but none of them will ROFL (as they say).  Okay, this is me doing it…
We have an “Urgent – Winter Weather Message….
The National Weather Service in northern Indiana has issued a wind chill advisory, which is in effect from 11 PM EST/10 PM CST this evening to noon EST/11 AM CST Friday.
*Wind Chill values (15 below) to 20 below from late this evening through Friday Morning
*Other Impacts, wind chills at these values may cause frostbite to exposed skin within 30 minutes”
Now for the amazing trick… She is laughing right now….probably not even reading this any further because she lives in Northern Minnesota and they don’t issue warnings until the temperature is at least down to –20 regular with a –40 wind chill.  At our normal 20 to 30 degrees they are romping in shorts and tee shirts. 
Anyway, this was kinda fun, just teasing Ariel.  Good Morning All!!!!!!!

Let’s laugh!

 

Here’s an oldie but good……never mind.  It’s just an oldie.

Two old women lived way out in the country, only going into town on Sundays for church. One Sunday, there was a strange pastor, a very handsome man, in the pulpit, preaching away quite merrily. One of the women, quite deaf, had to turn her hearing aid up fully.
As the old women were returning home, the pros and cons of the new pastor was their main subject of conversation. “I thought he was lovely,” said one.
“He was, rather, wasn’t he?” said the other.
“He was very loud, wasn’t he?”
“Eh?” said the other, “what cloud?”
“I said he was very loud.”
“Eh?”
“I said, he was very loud,” shouted the other. “Bawls like a bull!”
“Has he?” said the first. “I never noticed. The pulpit was in the way.”

As some of you know, I used to do the 911/Police dispatch thing.  Honestly, it was the best job I EVER had.  Really felt like I did something everyday when I went home.  This next clip is SO NEAT!  I NEVER had anyone this calm on the phone before.  Everyone needs to watch this clip and to my dispatcher buddies who are still out there…die with envy guys that someone else got this call.  I would’ve loved to have gotten this call:

http://www.maniacworld.com/stay-calm-dad.html 

 

 

 

Sorry folks, that’s all we have time for this morning.  Have a great day!

Today’s Last Word is combined with a

Information you NEED to know to survive in the work place…

So, I really, really hope this was worth the wait!  It has been a long hard couple of days for me folks.  Bear with me and together we can get a tiny laugh out of life that puts us in these crazy situations.

Love you all, thanks for hanging in and thanks for Lethal stepping up and covering for me….again.

Now, let’s laugh!

I know we’ve seen this before…but it is just such the perfect Dragon Laffs answer to a mundane problem:

Cleaning

I don’t see what the fuss is about house cleaning. Seems easy enough to me.
1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it “Housework.”
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, “Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?”
6. Answer calmly, “Yes,” and press the mouse button firmly…..
7. Feel better?

 

What a great idea!  No drippy mess to clean up, just run a fast rinse cycle and it’s all done!

One heck of a slippery mess!
http://www.youtube.com/user/twisternederland7 

Now, that’s just not fair!
I happen to work with a bunch of engineers and they’re a great bunch of guys!
Fully half of them have a personality…
sorta…
maybe…

This is WAY COOL!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=DmrCuaZRO7A

There is no way that this sort of thing should’ve been allowed to happen!  Dear God!  Can you imagine the smell of that place?  And Lethal things MY den smells bad?

 

Okay, so this one’s bad…and it’s WAY TOO EASY to turn it around on Lethal…so of course, I won’t.  But LL…know the thought was there buddy.

A skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and
sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the
little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: ‘7 feet tall, 350
pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.’

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big
guy says, ‘What’s wrong with you?’

In a weak voice the little guy says, ‘What EXACTLY did you say
to me?’

The big dude says, ‘I saw your curious look and figured I’d just
give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me…… I’m 7
feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles
weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.’

The little white Irishman says:
‘Turner Brown?!….Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, ‘Turn around!

Weather information across the country at the tip of your pointer!  Amazing!
http://www.wrh.noaa.gov/zoa/mwmap3.php?map=usa

cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would

be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named

Christo, who identified himself as a

26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. 

He is something of a Greek god – with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted

his aerobics class after my workout today.

the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week !!

________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy

iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.

His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT !! It’s a whole new life for me.

_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my

mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t

try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.

His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he 

scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster.

Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back

in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late – it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the

restroom. He sent some skinny little bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing
machine — which I sank.

_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other

human being in the history of the world.

Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body 

I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t
have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the
floor, don’t hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

__________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up

today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however,

I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up 

catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________
SUNDAY:
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.

I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun — like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds !!!

Yeah, yeah, yeah…Politics!
Pick a side with this one. 
Doesn’t matter, it’s still funny!

Two women were bemoaning the state of Obamacare…
One said, “Do you know, my ninety-three-year-old mother has been waiting over a year for her operation?
“That’s appalling,” said the other woman. “What a terrible way to treat someone of that age.”
“I know,” said the first woman. “It got so bad that at one point I even said to her, ‘Mum, do you really need bigger boobs?’.”

This ought to get your blood boiling!  What the hell is going on with our financial system right now?  Good Lawd!

And we wonder who Really Pulls the Strings. Keep This going and going and going

This is Unbelievable!

Subject:  Foreclosure Video that will BLOW YOUR MIND!!!
Please take a moment to watch this video and get more informed about
  who the mortgage bailout is really helping…Its Unbelievable!!!
Click on the link below to get the real story, it will make you very mad.
http://www.youtube.com/user/fiercefreeleancer  

I STILL know all the words to this song.  My sister almost strangled me over playing this album over and over and over again!

Snoopy Vs. The Red Baron” The Royal Guardsmen

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oxzg_iM-T4E

Things Babies Born in 2011 Will Never Know

by Stacy Johnson
Wednesday, January 5, 2011

                          

Huffington Post recently put up a story called You’re Out: 20 Things That Became Obsolete This Decade. It’s a great retrospective on the technology leaps we’ve made since the new century began, and it got me thinking about the difference today’s technology will make in the lives of tomorrow’s kids.

I’ve used some of their ideas and added some of my own to make the list below: Do you think kids born in 2011 will recognize any of the following?

Video tape: Starting this year, the news stories we produce here at Money Talks have all been shot, edited, and distributed to TV stations without ever being on any kind of tape. Not only that, the tape-less broadcast camera we use today offers much higher quality than anything that could have been imagined 10 years ago — and cost less than the lens on the camera we were using previously.

Travel agents: While not dead today, this profession is one of many that’s been decimated by the Internet. When it’s time for their honeymoon, will those born in 2011 be able to find one?

The separation of work and home: When you’re carrying an email-equipped computer in your pocket, it’s not just your friends who can find you — so can your boss. For kids born this year, the wall between office and home will be blurry indeed.

Books, magazines, and newspapers: Like video tape, words written on dead trees are on their way out. Sure, there may be books — but for those born today, stores that exist solely to sell them will be as numerous as record stores are now.

Movie rental stores: You actually got in your car and drove someplace just to rent a movie?

Watches: Maybe as quaint jewelry, but the correct time is on your smartphone, which is pretty much always in your hand.

Paper maps: At one time these were available free at every gas station. They’re practically obsolete today, and the next generation will probably have to visit a museum to find one.

Wired phones: Why would you pay $35 every month to have a phone that plugs into a wall? For those born today, this will be a silly concept.

Long distance: Thanks to the Internet, the days of paying more to talk to somebody in the next city, state, or even country are limited.

Newspaper classifieds: The days are gone when you have to buy a bunch of newsprint just to see what’s for sale.

Dial-up Internet: While not everyone is on broadband, it won’t be long before dial-up Internet goes the way of the plug-in phone.

Encyclopedias: Imagine a time when you had to buy expensive books that were outdated before the ink was dry. This will be a nonsense term for babies born today.

Forgotten friends: Remember when an old friend would bring up someone you went to high school with, and you’d say, “Oh yeah, I forgot about them!” The next generation will automatically be in touch with everyone they’ve ever known even slightly via Facebook.

Forgotten anything else: Kids born this year will never know what it was like to stand in a bar and incessantly argue the unknowable. Today the world’s collective knowledge is on the computer in your pocket or purse. And since you have it with you at all times, why bother remembering anything?

The evening news: The news is on 24/7. And if you’re not home to watch it, that’s OK — it’s on the smartphone in your pocket.

CDs: First records, then 8-track, then cassette, then CDs — replacing your music collection used to be an expensive pastime. Now it’s cheap(er) and as close as the nearest Internet connection.

Film cameras: For the purist, perhaps, but for kids born today, the word “film” will mean nothing. In fact, even digital cameras — both video and still — are in danger of extinction as our pocket computers take over that function too.]

Yellow and White Pages: Why in the world would you need a 10-pound book just to find someone?

Catalogs: There’s no need to send me a book in the mail when I can see everything you have for sale anywhere, anytime. If you want to remind me to look at it, send me an email.

Fax machines: Can you say “scan,” “.pdf” and “email?”

One picture to a frame: Such a waste of wall/counter/desk space to have a separate frame around each picture. Eight gigabytes of pictures and/or video in a digital frame encompassing every person you’ve ever met and everything you’ve ever done — now, that’s efficient. Especially compared to what we used to do: put our friends and relatives together in a room and force them to watch what we called a “slide show” or “home movies.”

Wires: Wires connecting phones to walls? Wires connecting computers, TVs, stereos, and other electronics to each other? Wires connecting computers to the Internet? To kids born in 2011, that will make as much sense as an electric car trailing an extension cord.

Hand-written letters: For that matter, hand-written anything. When was the last time you wrote cursive? In fact, do you even know what the word “cursive” means? Kids born in 2011 won’t — but they’ll put you to shame on a tiny keyboard.

Talking to one person at a time: Remember when it was rude to be with one person while talking to another on the phone? Kids born today will just assume that you’re supposed to use texting to maintain contact with five or six other people while pretending to pay attention to the person you happen to be physically next to.

Retirement plans: Yes, Johnny, there was a time when all you had to do was work at the same place for 20 years and they’d send you a check every month for as long as you lived. In fact, some companies would even pay your medical bills, too!

[Watch: Toddler Can Name U.S. Presidents]

Mail: What’s left when you take the mail you receive today, then subtract the bills you could be paying online, the checks you could be having direct-deposited, and the junk mail you could be receiving as junk email? Answer: A bloated bureaucracy that loses billions of taxpayer dollars annually.

Commercials on TV: They’re terrifically expensive, easily avoided with DVRs, and inefficiently target mass audiences. Unless somebody comes up with a way to force you to watch them — as with video on the Internet — who’s going to pay for them?

Commercial music radio: Smartphones with music-streaming programs like Pandoraare a better solution that doesn’t include ads screaming between every song.

Hiding: Not long ago, if you didn’t answer your home phone, that was that — nobody knew if you were alive or dead, much less where you might be. Now your phone is not only in your pocket, it can potentially tell everyone — including advertisers — exactly where you are.