Morning DragonLaffers….

Coffee and Monday all in one graphic.…ya gotta love it!

WOW! You all look terrible! Icky green pallor, lethargic, one hand covering either your stomach or mouths. Oh! I GET IT! Easter candy after effect coupled with with sugar induced near comas! I know Impish so over did it he is in a coma currently or must be, he didn’t even blink or flinch when we started power washing all the smeared melted  chocolate off him.

Well double espressos no sugar all around. That should help some until the effects wear off. Now lets get some air in those lungs, a little adrenaline and endorphins in the blood stream and a twinkle back in those eyes….

Let’s Laugh Until You Feel Better

Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know of?’ The first man replied, ‘A THOUGHT.’ It just pops into your head. There’s no warning. ‘That’s very good!’ replied Jennifer.

‘And, now you sir?’, she asked the second man. ‘Hmmm….let me see ‘A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened.. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.’ ‘Excellent!’ said Jennifer. ‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.’

She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.. ‘Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch.. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. ‘Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of’. Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. ‘It ‘s hard to beat the speed of light,’ she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, ‘After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.’ ‘WHAT!?’ said Jennifer, stunned by the response… ‘Oh sure’, said BUBBA. ‘You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.’ BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.

 

A woman in her thirties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called “The Knob,” where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman’s head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted “The Knob.” Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful-the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

“All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them.”

The doctor looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts.”

She said, “No point asking about the beard then……….!”

We were all green once and didn’t know it

In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that plastic bags weren’t good for the environment. The woman apologized to her and explained, “We didn’t have the green thing back in my day.”
That’s right, they didn’t have the green thing in her day. Back then, they returned their milk bottles, Coke bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, using the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But they didn’t have the green thing back in her
day.
In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two blocks. But she’s right. They didn’t have the green
thing in her day.
Back then, they washed the baby’s diapers because they didn’t have the throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts – wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right,
they didn’t have the green thing back in her day.
Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house – not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a pizza dish, not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand because they didn’t have electric machines to do everything for you. When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used wadded up newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. But they didn’t have the green thing back then.
Back then, they didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by working so they didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she’s right, they didn’t  have the green thing back then.
They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty, instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They refilled pens with ink, instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But they didn’t have the green thing
back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar and kids rode their bikes to school or rode the school bus, instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn’t
need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.
But that old lady is right. They didn’t have the green thing back in her day.

I have to admit while not quite as green as this lady’s, my youth was certainly 90% of that and a whole lot greener than any of my second cousins or my nephews, let alone the current generation. I still have and prefer to use a fountain pen to write actual hand written notes and cards. In fact I sign all documents and contracts with one. But I have an idea that could make us a whole lot greener by 2013:

The Answering Machine

“Hello. You have reached Nana and Gramps. We’re not able to come to the phone right now. If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select from 1 to 5 in order of “arrival” so we know who it is.

If you need us to watch your children, press 2.
If you want to borrow our car, press 3.
If you want us to do your laundry, press 4.
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5.
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6.
If you want us to have you to dinner on Sunday or to bring it to your house, press 7.
If you need money, press 8.
If you are calling to invite us to dinner or a movie, start talking; we are listening

.”

Opt Out of Being Tracked Most Everywhere You Go

On-Line Easily and Quickly

It’s no secret that advertisers are buy tracking you online or that it’s big business. They’re like a pack of bloodhounds set on a fugitive. You’ll see ads following you from site to site and ads for things you have recently looked at on-line popping up on the homepage of your browser. It can be very creepy and unsettling. To make matters worse they are using your own computer to do it to you and oft times at the detriment of its performance for you. Personally I find this extremely annoying, I mean I already pay a pile of money for advertisers to have easy access to me in the form of my TV and cable fees. Now they want to monopolize my computer too?

There is a lot of buzz about opt-out systems. Most major browsers have anti-tracking technology built in. However, it will take a while for that to become mainstream or for people to learn to locate it and use it consistently. Plus by then the advertisers will have found a work around to it. Advertising is a billion dollar a year industry so they are not doing to sit idly and just be shut out.

Today’s Leprechaun Tech Talk/ DragonLaffs PSA site will help you to opt-out of being tracked right now. You can see a list of the tracking cookies on your computer. Plus, you can see what companies haven’t started tracking you yet. You can choose to opt-out of every advertiser or should you wish (Lord only knows why you also select only specific advertisers to opt-out of. Clicking an advertiser’s link tells you more about it.

The system works by placing an opt-out cookie for each advertiser you select. Those cookies are good for several years. They should keep your activities from being tracked. Currently (as of writing this) it covers 119 advertisers domains.

Note that this doesn’t cover every advertiser out there.  Some other advertisers deliberately don’t make it very easy to opt-out of their systems by burying request links requiring you to e-mail them (which they ignore) or make the request via snail mail in writing. Being thrown out of your computer and personal life on their arse while in the best interest of you & your privacy is not in their best financial interest so the less scrupulous ones will do what ever they can to discourage you from successfully making the request(s). Others use flash cookies which are all together entirely different technology despite the similar sounding names. 

You should also know that, clearing of your browser’s cookies during a standard disk clean up clears the opt-out cookies as well. You will want to bookmark this site and check back occasionally to replace the lost cookies.

http://selectout.org/

[A tip o’ the Tam-o’-shanter to KimKommando.com for the topic idea and some of the info that appears here]

Here’s a DragonLaffs Tip to help you go Green effortlessly…..

Just recycle all your old Charlie Sheen jokes and turn them into Nicholas Cage jokes! BAM! Your funny, topical and Green all at the same time and no unsightly old moldy jokes laying about! Impish has been recycling his jokes for years!

And Charlie Sheen…and Nicholas Cage…see how simple and easy it is?

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife,

‘You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:

BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,

BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,

BELL 3 rings and we’re on the fire truck ready to go.

When he yelled ‘BELL 2!’, the wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled ‘BELL 3!’, they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled ‘BELL 4!’

‘What the hell is BELL 4?’ asked the husband?

‘ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,’ she replied   ‘ YOU’RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.’

 

Good Morning Campers!  It’s Easter weekend!

I know yesterday that the Leprechaun said that mine would be the more dignified and respectful of the two issues, but you have to understand, Lethal is not really sure what the words dignified and respectful mean.  We’ll have some fun today and poke some fun today and hopefully, you’ll start your Easter holiday off with a smile!

Well, come on!  Don’t most people have a nice dinner for Easter?  Why should us dragons be any different?

Origins of Easter*

Easter is perhaps nowadays seen as a mostly Christian festival but in fact its origins lie in three religious faiths – Pagan, Hebrew and Christian.

Pagan tradition suggests that the name Easter is derived from Ostara or Eostre, the Anglo-Saxon Goddess of Spring to whom the month of April was dedicated.

Another Pagan tradition that can coincide with Easter is the vernal equinox or the Festival of Spring in March, which symbolizes the rebirth of nature following the cold days of winter.

Even today Pagan symbols live on in the celebration of Easter with the hare, a symbol of fertility, becoming the Easter Bunny and brightly decorated eggs which were originally used to represent the colors of the new spring. Eggs were also an important fertility symbol.

Easter is also connected to the Hebrew “pesach” (Passover) festival that is an important date in the Jewish calendar commemorating the flight and freedom of the Israelites from Egypt and slavery when the angel of death “passed over” their dwellings offering them protection.

Passover is celebrated over eight days and many of the early Christians, who were of Jewish origin, regarded Easter as a new feature of the Passover festival.

According to Christian tradition Easter is a major celebration marking the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus Christ. He was crucified on what is known to Christians as Good Friday and was resurrected three days later on Easter Sunday. Rolling decorated Easter Eggs is seen to represent the rolling away of the rock from the tomb of Jesus.

Easter marks the end of the period of Lent that begins on Ash Wednesday and is a time of penitence in preparation for the highest festival of the church. Although there are 46 days from Ash Wednesday until Easter Sunday Lent itself only lasts 40 days as Sundays are excluded.

The last week of Lent is celebrated as Holy Week and begins with Palm Sunday that marks the triumphant entry of Jesus into Jerusalem as the crowds laid palms at his feet. Holy Thursday marks the Last Supper before the anniversary of the crucifixion on Good Friday.

Easter is a moveable feast as churches in the west celebrate it on the first Sunday after the full moon that occurs on or following the spring equinox on 21st March. That means Easter Sunday can be as early as the third week in March or as late as the fourth week in April.

*Special thanks to happy-easter.com for this informative article

A man wanted an Easter pet for his daughter. He looked at a baby chick and a baby duck. They were both very cute, but he decided to buy the baby chick. Do you know why? The baby chick was a little cheeper!

Why do we paint Easter eggs? Because it’s easier than trying to wallpaper them!

Why did the Easter Bunny have to fire the duck? Because he kept quacking all the eggs!

What’s pink, has five toes, and is carried by the Easter Bunny? His lucky people’s foot!

“Why are you studying your Easter candy?” “I’m trying to decide which came first-the chocolate chicken or the chocolate egg!”

Awwwwww……is that not adorable?  What a shame.  We start out so cute and cuddly and grow up to eat your virgins and burn your villages.  It’s only because we are so misunderstood.  We’re actually such nice friendly people…..loving …. and … nice …. and
Why do I get the impression you’re not buying any of this?  Okay, on with the laughter then.

To me, there is nothing more beautiful than the bible in the King James version with the old English writings and spellings.  Here, the Easter Story as told by Saint Matthew:

Matthew Chapter 28
In the end of the Sabbath, as it began to dawn toward the first [day] of the week, came Mary Magdalene and the other Mary to see the sepulcher.

² And, behold, there was a great earthquake: for the angel of the Lord descended from heaven, and came and rolled back the stone from the door, and sat upon it.

³ His countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow:

⁴ And for fear of him the keepers did shake, and became as dead [men].

⁵ And the angel answered and said unto the women, Fear not ye: for I know that ye seek Jesus, which was crucified.

⁶ He is not here: for he is risen, as he said. Come, see the place where the Lord lay.

⁷ And go quickly, and tell his disciples that he is risen from the dead; and, behold, he goeth before you into Galilee; there shall ye see him: lo, I have told you.

⁸ And they departed quickly from the sepulcher with fear and great joy; and did run to bring his disciples word.

⁹ And as they went to tell his disciples, behold, Jesus met them, saying, All hail. And they came and held him by the feet, and worshipped him.

¹⁰ Then said Jesus unto them, Be not afraid: go tell my brethren that they go into Galilee, and there shall they see me.

¹¹ Now when they were going, behold, some of the watch came into the city, and shewed unto the chief priests all the things that were done.

¹² And when they were assembled with the elders, and had taken counsel, they gave large money unto the soldiers,

¹³ Saying, Say ye, His disciples came by night, and stole him [away] while we slept.

¹⁴ And if this come to the governor’s ears, we will persuade him, and secure you.

¹⁵ So they took the money, and did as they were taught: and this saying is commonly reported among the Jews until this day.

¹⁶ Then the eleven disciples went away into Galilee, into a mountain where Jesus had appointed them.

¹⁷ And when they saw him, they worshipped him: but some doubted.

¹⁸ And Jesus came and spake unto them, saying, All power is given unto me in heaven and in earth.

¹⁹ Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost:

²⁰ Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, [even] unto the end of the world. Amen.

 

Well, I don’t know.  So far, a bit more dignified and respectful than Lethal’s offering yesterday, so maybe it’s time to lighten the mood a little….

Yeah, me too….. I’m gonna run and go fill up on some Easter Pizza that was left for me by the Easter Pizza Bunny, while you guys laugh at some of this other stuff:

Are we still having fun?
Good!
What do ya say we get into one of our regular features……

One thing I’ve discovered…..with a decent search engine and a little imagination, I could do this all day long!  Hope you had as much fun with these as I did finding them!

This thing is going to take all day to load, lol.  I’ll wrap the cartoons up with a real classic!

Not really what we had in mind when we asked the girls for a peep show…

Well my friends, it’s time for this dragon to get his ass draggin’ on to other things.

May you have a beautifully special day tomorrow and may you have all the blessings of an Easter Sunday.

I figured  being  Easter Weekend we needed a little something with Pizazz and some Easter eggs and of course todays issue features lots Easter jokes! Impish will also be doing an Easter issue which will likely prove the more dignified and respectful look at Easter tomorrow. I decided hey its FRIDAY, it’s the WEEKEND, who wants to be respectful and dignified on Friday night?

Am I right?

Oh, by the way, before Impish tries to get too much mileage off being the respectful dignified one this time around? I might mention that I know for a fact all week long he has tried (to no avail) to order a chocolate covered Playboy Bunny!

Now Let’s Laugh!

 

Why the Easter Bunny Brings Eggs

10. Big tax write-off.

9. Who ever heard of Easter Bricks?

8. Consider all of the varieties: scrambled, over easy, hard boiled.

7. He gets a good deal from the local chickens.

6. Secret plan to eliminate human race by cholesterol overdose.

5. Pressure from the Egg Marketing Board.

4. Because if it brought bottle rockets it would be the Independence Bunny.

3. Would you want to hunt for waffles?

2. He thinks guys should get chicks at least once a year.

1. Because the Energizer rabbit got the good job.

 

 

 

 

While on a road trip, Harry and Martha stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, Martha unknowingly left her glasses on the table. She
didn’t miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they
could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, Harry became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed, complained and scolded Martha relentlessly during the entire return trip. The more he chided her the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t
let up one minute. To Martha’s relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.As Martha got out of the car and hobbled inside to retrieve her
glasses the old geezer shook his fist and yelled …
” While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat, and the credit card.”

Top 10 Signs the Easter Bunny is Nuts

 

10. Neighbors describing him as “a quiet loner.”

9. Removed from a department store last December after screaming at Santa, “You’re going to die up there, fat man!”

8. Can’t stop washing his paws.

7. Colorful eggs now filled with Prozac.

6. Apartment walls covered with photos of Sharon Stone.

5. Met with Dr. Kevorkian about the possibility of a “suicide egg.”

4. Rotting corpse of Energizer bunny recently discovered in his crawl space.

3. Won’t come out of his compound in Waco, Texas.

2. He’s hippity-hopped up on crack.

1. Keeps rubbing himself for good luck.

 

 

This week marks the one year anniversary of the accident leading to the BP Oil Spill in the Gulf. BP marked the anniversary by suing the maker of the blowout preventer and the rig owner. They also claim that environmental conditions in the Gulf have already returned to near pre-spill conditions.

Well as a person who lives near the Gulf I can tell you that when it comes our beaches…

THERE ARE WORSE THINGS THAN OIL ON THE BEACH!

 

Think that’s bad? It gets worse, there’s more!

This next example of beach damage might even be a Hurricane Ike remnant

Previously once scenic vistas still exhibit hideous natural beauty marring scars

Even the tourist industry is being hit hard by the damage

Fish and wildlife are still not recovering and may species show signs of gross abnormalities like the Texas mullethead shown here missing most of its tail area covering.

Even the water fowl still suffer lingering effect like these bearded dorks storks..

Whales still beach themselves regularly…

You even occasionally still find an occasional oil covered animal like this nipple ringed  beach baboon

SO BP STOP TELLING ME OUR TEXAS BEACHES ARE PRESTINE ONCE AGAIN ‘CAUSE IT JUST AIN’T SO!

 

The Night Before Easter

‘Twas the night before Easter. All was calm and laid back.
Impish the Dragon in the kitchen, snarfed down a late snack.
The eggs were all dyed but still drippy and sticky…
To be honest, they looked just a little bit icky.

There were big jelly beans, chocolate bunnies and such,
And as Impish stuffed his face, he sighed, “This is too much!”
Lethal and Molly were in bed watching late night TV,
While munching saltines with low-sodium Brie.

Then a sudden commotion rang out in the night.
It shook Lethal and Molly, really gave them a fright.
Lethal’s hair stood on end, and his eyes bugged out fat…
Molly whipped off the covers and knocked off her cat.

They lunged to the window, yanked open the blinds…
What they saw was amazing; it boggled their minds:
Across the night sky, with a noise like the dickens,
Soared a minivan drawn by eight overgrown chickens!

At the wheel sat a bunny — cute, fuzzy and fat —
In designer blue jeans and a Panama hat.
Like a speeding space shuttle, those chickens they flew,
As the van driver called to each hen in his crew:

“Now, Ashley! Now, Sheila! Now, Kelsey and Bo!
On Bethany, Liza! On Daphne, on Flo!”
The van made its landing lickety-split …
Nearly wiped out the shrubs and the barbecue pit!

Then up on the roof, much toLethal’s consternation,
They squawked of egg prices and space navigation.
They made so much noise that Lethal started to stammer,
“If you guys don’t shut up, I’m dropping the hammer!”

Fuzzy hopped down the chimney, amidst all this racket,
And emerged from the fireplace, adjusting his jacket.
This bunny was chic, he had class, he had flair ..
Not your average bozo, not your typical hare.

His ears were enormous; his huge overbite
Was right under a nose like a pink neon light.
His manner was smooth, he was hip, he was cool;
This floppy-eared bunny was no fuzzy fool.

“While I’m here,” he smiled, “Everybody relaxes …
I’m not selling storm windows, won’t audit your taxes.
I’m just here to bring you some fun and delight.
Eat, drink, and be merry! Let’s party tonight!”

So they sipped diet soda and swapped silly jokes,
Those birds and their bunny just being plain folks.
Then flop-ears said, “Hey, friends, we’ve had quite a ball,
But my chickens and I are now due in St. Paul!”

He crossed both his eyes. Then he wiggled one ear,
And he yelled to his chicken team, “We’re outta here!”
As the minivan rose in the 3 a.m. sky,
He called out, “Later, Lethal and Molly! And to you, Impish, good-bye!”

As he sped out of sight, his three friends heard him say,
“Happy Easter to all! Have a beautiful day!”

Author Unknown With poetic license & liberties taken by LethalLeprehaun

It’s so nice to see Impish getting modeling gigs again! He let himself go so bad when he got depressed after losing the title role in Eragon, I was afraid he’d never get modeling work again. Pretty good likeness too, they really caught his wide side!

1^st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class.  She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.  It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.  Their insight may surprise you.   While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

 

Gabriel goes to the Lord and says, “I have to talk to you.

We have some Texans up here who are causing some real problems.

They’re swinging on the Pearly Gates; my horn is missing; they’re wearing T-shirts instead of their robes; there’s barbecue and Picante sauce all over everything—especially their T-shirts; their dogs are riding in the chariots and chasing the sheep; they’re wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats—instead of their halos; they refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean; their boots are marking and scuffing up the halls of Wisdom; there are tortilla chip crumbs and watermelon seeds all over the place; some of them are walking around with just one wing; and they insist on bringing their darn horses with them.”

The Lord said, “Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all of my children.          .  If you want to hear about some real problems, call the Devil.”                             .

So Gabriel calls up the Devil. When he answers the phone and says, “Hello—hold on a minute . . .”

When he returns to the phone, the Devil says, “O.K., I’m back. What can I do for you?”

Gabriel replies, “I just want to know what kinds of problems you are having down there with the Texans.”

The Devil says, “Hold on again—I need to check on something . . .”

After about 5 minutes, the Devil returns to the phone and says, “I’m back. Now what is the question?”

“Gabriel says, “What kind of problems are you having down there with the Texans?”

The Devil says, “Man, I don’t believe this! Hold on . . . .”

This time, the Devil is gone 15 minutes. When he returns, he says, “I’m sorry Gabriel—I can’t talk right now! Red Adair just put out the fire down here—and now Brown & Root is installing air conditioning!”

It’s wise to recall . . . we TEXANS survive . . . despite the odds!

Short Easter Jokes

When one breeds an angora rabbit with an Easter Bunny is that a cross hair?

Good Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Easter.
Bad Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Xmas.

Alzheimer’s Advantage #2 :- You can hide your own Easter eggs.

Q. What do Easter Bunny helpers get for making a basket?
A. Two points, just like anyone else.

Q. What’s invisible and smells like carrots?
A. The Ether Bunny

Q. Why did the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
A. He doesn’t want the other bunnies to know that he was fooling around with the chickens.

Psalm 2011

Obama is the shepherd I did not Want.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.

He restoreth my faith in the Republican Party.
He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the Valley of The Bread Line,
I shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with me.

He has anointed my income with taxes,
My expenses runneth over.

Surely, poverty and hard living will
Follow me all the days of my life,
And I will live in a mortgaged home forever.

 

Sure beats where jelly beans come from!

All I need to know I learned from the Easter Bunny!

• Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.
• Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
• There’s no such thing as too much candy.
• All work and no play can make you a basket case.
• A cute tail attracts a lot of attention.
• Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
• Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
• Some body parts should be floppy.
• Keep your paws off of other people’s jelly beans.
• Good things come in small, sugar coated packages.
• The grass is always greener in someone else’s basket.
• To show your true colors, you have to come out of the shell.
• The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.

May the joy of the season fill your heart.

MAY GOD BLESS YOU!

And from those of us here at DragonLaffs who won’t be getting any candy because Impish will eat or swipe it all… Happy Easter!

Good Morning Campers!
Thirsty Thursday is here!
I love Thursdays.  Thursdays our the days that we drink all day.  We start off in the morning and Lethal shares his secret coffee mixture that he calls “brown gold” with the staff.  Now, personally, I think that he’s not sharing the REAL “brown gold” but it’s still better than the usual coffee we use.  Then for lunch on Thirsty Thursday, we have either a wine tasting or micro-brew beer tasting or something like that.  Today, from what I understand, the dwarves are presenting us with several different ale and mead samples for us to taste and judge.  After work, we have a buffet dinner with the winners of the tasting contest set out as barrels to enjoy with the dinner.  It’s really a great day.
What does your office due to celebrate Thirsty Thursday every week?

Today’s issue needs to be put out before the tasting begins or it won’t really be worth reading.  So…. Let’s get started:

Let’s Laugh!

This will keep you on the edge of your seat:

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

• The day after daylight-saving time is supposed to be the worst day of the year for car accidents, because the lower sun in the sky makes it hard for people to read their tweets while driving.
• Singer George Michael told a judge this week that he deserved to go to jail for his behavior as a celebrity. To which Lindsay Lohan said, “Will you shut up? You’ll ruin it for everybody.”
• Lindsay asked the judge if she could be excused from court this Thursday because of what she called “the holiest day of the year.” Saint Patrick’s Day.

Lethal Leprechaun spied a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND”.

Lethal spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.

A Note to all hunters:

The sad part is that this person probably drives, votes and may have already reproduced!  In response to this person we have this picture, of an unkilled hamburger:

Take one minute….just one click, every day, helps more than you can imagine!

Whatever happened to our favorite Disney characters?
MICKEY MOUSE:Died of venereal disease after visiting multiple
prostitutes because Minnie said “No” for 50 years.
DONALD DUCK:Served as a main course at Epcot’s China Pavilion.
PLUTO:Caught by dogcatchers, put to sleep after he was never claimed.
GOOFY:Assassinated during first term as President of the United States.
SCROOGE McDUCK:Died in extreme poverty after being audited by the IRS.
HUEY, DEWEY & LOUIE:Involved in an underground child pornography ring.
CHIP & DALE:Extracted from Richard Gere’s colon.
SNOW WHITE:Fell for the “apple trick” again.
DOPEY:’nuff said.
SNEEZY:Died of pneumonia with Jim Henson.
GRUMPY:Executed after gunning down 15 people in a local McDonalds.
HAPPY:Killed by insane gunman at a local McDonalds.
DOC:Was sued for malpractice, lived the rest of his life living under
bridges and eating out of used cat food cans.
SLEEPY:Never woke up.
BASHFUL:Now a stripper with the Chippendales.
MARY POPPINS:Shot down over Iraqi airspace.
CHRISTOPHER ROBIN:Male prostitute, died of a heroin overdose.
WINNIE THE POOH:Had a heart attack caused by a cholesterol level of 570.
PIGLET:Gunned down in a mafia hit.
RABBIT:Died of an aneurism while watching over his garden.
EEYORE:Committed suicide.
TIGGER:Accidentally bounced off the edge of a cliff.
PETER PAN:Christopher Robin’s lover, committed suicide in despair.
TINKERBELL:Caught by some kid who forgot to punch holes in the lid.

Yup, the artist is in the picture

Thanks to Molly for this one!

This is why cops are using cameras. This camera turns on when police activate a Taser gun at defendants. Note the difference between what the defendants, their mothers and their wives, say to the Judge BEFORE the video plays! Look at the size of the last guy.

If for some reason you can’t see the above video, since I’m still new at adding them myself, try going here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pTuBx0yrJGg 

An Arizona couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asks, ‘What can I do for you?’ The man says, ‘Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?’ The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an  elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, ‘There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..’
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, ‘I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?’
The man says, ‘We’re not trying to find out anything.
She’s married; so we can’t go to her house.
I’m married; and we can’t go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

At first glance, this next picture looks like a horrible fire, with a small wind twister to make it more fun…

On second glance, with our special cameras that can see into the fantasy realm, you can see that the fire actually had a bit of help…

Now, before you go thinking that one of my brethren was causing trouble somewhere, be assured that the fire dept and dragonkind have worked together for years on training exercises and such.  This picture was taken at just such an exercise where Horatio (the Dragon) lit up an abandoned building so that the fire dept could put it out.  With the high intensity of Horatio’s fire, he could set the same building on fire three or four times before the building was completely wiped out.  Here we’re looking at the third time that he set it on fire and the Fire Dept was going to put it back out.  You can see that there isn’t much left standing so this was the last time they could use this building.  The nice part about using dragon fire on an exercise like this is that when it’s all over, there isn’t much clean up since there isn’t much left.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

“Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.”

“Tell him he should drop dead!” yells the wife.

“I’ll go tell him,” says Goldberg.

Thanks to George for this one….  You know… I was with you, right up to the twenty-two cents…

Impish
This story was published in the Columbus Dispatch on Tuesday, March 22.  I thought you may get a laugh out of it.  That has to be one large cavity and a lot of loose change.
Scranton, Pa. (AP)- Police in northeastern Pennsylvania say they recovered more than 50 bags of heroin, plus cash and loose change from a woman in a cavity search.
Authorities say that 27-year-old Karin Mackaliunas was detained last weekend after a crash,  Scranton police say they found three bags of heroin in her jacket.  After being taken to the police station, she told investigators that she had more hidden in her vagina.
Adoctor performed a search and recovered 54 bags of heroin, 31 empty bags vsed to package heroin, prescription pills and $51.22.
Mackaliunas was jailed in lieu of $25,000 bail on charges including possession with intent to deliver a controlled substance.
Take care     George

One of my favorite jokes of all time!

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a  good time to tell her mother what she wanted.  ‘Mom, I want a bike for  my birthday.’

Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol’s mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday.  Little Carol, of course, thought she did.  Carol’s mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday.  Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

———————————————————–

LETTER 1:

Dear God:

I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Carol

Carol knew this wasn’t true.  She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.

———————————————————- LETTER 2:

Dear God:

This is your friend Carol.  I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you, Carol

Carol knew this wasn’t true either.  She tore up the letter and started again.

————————————————————

LETTER 3:

Dear God:  I know I haven’t been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you, Carol

————————————————————

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset.  She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol’s mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad. ‘Just be home in time for dinner,’ her mother said.

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar.  She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.

—————————————————————

LETTER 4:

I GOT YOUR MAMA.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed, YOU KNOW WHO

What a fantastic Article!  You will probably see some of my, humble comments sprinkled into this piece….I hope you can easily pick them out!

From a Korean war era fighter pilot

Think about this when you read the rest of the  letter below. What happened 
to our Air Force? We used to go to the  Officers Club Stag Bar on Friday 
afternoons to drink, smoke and swap  lies with our comrades. 

Drinking became frowned on.  Smoking caused cancer and could “harm you”. 
Stag bars became sexist.  Gradually, our men quit patronizing their clubs 
because what happened  in the Club became fodder for a Performance Report.. Same 
thing at the  Airman’s Club and the NCO and/or Top 3 clubs.

Now we  don’t have separate clubs for the ranks. Instead we have something  
called “xxx” Air Force Base Club. It’s open to men and women of all  
ranks….from Airman Basic to General Officer. Still, no one is there.  Gee, I 
wonder why.

The latest brilliant thought out of  Washington is that the “pilots?” 
flying remote aircraft in combat  areas from their duty station in Nevada or 
Arizona should draw the  same combat pay as those real world pilots actually on 
board a plane  in a hostile environment. The Politically Correct Logic? The 
remote  vehicle operator is subject to the same stress levels as the combat  
pilot actually flying in combat. REALLY!!!???

Now that  I’ve primed you a little, read on.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Where Have All The Fighter Pilots  Gone?

There are many who will agree with these sentiments,  but they apply to 
more than just fighter pilots.  Unfortunately,  the ones with the guts to speak 
up or push for what they believe in  are beaten down by the “system.”

Unfortunately there  is a lot of truth here.

Supposedly, Secretary Gates has a  force beating the bushes to learn who 
wrote this.  
____________________________________

Subject: Where Have All The Fighter  Pilots Gone?
Answer: Good Question.

Here is a rant  from a retired fighter pilot that is worth reading:

It is  rumored that our current secretary of defense recently asked the  
question, “Where are all the dynamic leaders of the past?” I can only  assume, 
if that is true, that he was referring to Robin Olds, Jimmy  Doolittle, 
Patton, Ike, Boyington, Nimitz, etc. 

I’ve got the  answer. They were fired before they made Major.

Our  nation doesn’t want those kinds of leaders anymore. Squadron  
commanders don’t run squadrons and wing commanders don’t run  wings. They are 
managed by higher ranking dildos with  other esoteric goals in mind.

Can you imagine someone today looking for a  LEADER to execute that 
Doolittle Raid and suggesting that it be given  to a dare-devil boozer-his only 
attributes: he had the respect of his  men, an awesome ability to fly, and the 
organizational skills to put  it all together. If someone told me there was 
a chance in hell of  selecting that man today, I would tell them they were 
either a liar or  dumber than shit.

I find it ironic that the Air Force put  General Olds on the cover of the 
company rag last month. While it made  me extremely proud to see his face, he 
wouldn’t make it across any  base in America (or overseas) without ten 
enlisted folks telling him  to zip up his flight suit and shave his mustache 
off. I have a feeling  that his response would be predictable and for that 
crime he would  probably get a trip home and an Article 15. We have lost the war 
on  rugged individualism and that, unfortunately, is what fighter pilots  
want to follow; not because they have to but because they respect  leaders of 
that ilk. We’ve all run across that leader that made us  proud to follow 
him because you wanted to be like him and make a  difference. The individual 
who you would drag your testicles through  glass for rather than disappoint 
him.

We better wake the  hell up! We’re asking our young men and women to go to 
shitty places,  some with unbearable climates, never have a drink, have 
little or no  contact with the opposite sex, not look at magazines of a 
suggestive  nature of any type, and adhere to ridiculous regs that require you to  
tuck your shirt into your PT uniform on the way to the porta-shitter  at 
night in a dust storm because it’s a uniform. These people we’re  sending to 
combat are some of the brightest I’ve met but they are  looking for a little 
sanity, which they will only find on the outside  if we don’t get a friggin’ 
clue. You can’t continue asking people to  live for months or years at a time 
acting like nuns  and  priests.  Hell, even they get to have a beer. Who 
are we afraid of offending?  The guys that already hate us enough to strap C4 
to their own bodies  and walk into a crowd of us?  Think about it.

I’m  extremely proud of our young men and women who continue to serve. I’m  
also very in tune with what they are considering for the future and  I’ve 
got news for whoever sits in the White House, Congress, and our  so-called 
military leaders. 

Much talent has and will continue  to hemorrhage from our services, because 
wanna-be warriors are tired  of fighting on two fronts–
One with our  enemies, 
Another against our lack of  common sense.  

The “make nice-nice” concept that has helped ruin the military is not confined thereto. I’ve seen it degrade many a corporation & college. If your employer tells you they want leaders & want people to “tell it like it is,” assume they lie.

The insanity is nearly complete, & those who should be inmates are in charge.   Combat pay for U.S.-based remotes?????

RCE

FOR ALL>>>

It appears that a form of “multiculturalism” has developed within the AF over the past several decades and probably other services as well — an attitude of submission to bureaucratic dictates from bookeepers and bureaucrats secure in bunkers, promoted and promoting only those who display a “balanced” and regimented attitude, one that stymies and limits “unorthodox displays”, aggressive attitude or discordant behavior that might infect the qualities of the current “management” style of operation and social behavior within the military.

Leadership qualities of individuals are determined by how one blends into the social fabric among associates regardless of rank, insignia or function.

America has not really won a war since WW II, despite being involved in many…none of which had a real purpose other than to further the schemes and line the pockets of the international banksters who profited the most from them. Our blood and money littered those areas wherein we were involved, but what has it profited America for its involvement? Our former enemies and allies, Germany, Japan, Korea as well as other regions now produce product such that America no longer can sustain its own workforce or produce even the goods necessary to maintain an army…Even our uniforms come from other nations.

But then it appears that this may have been the Plan after all..as those hiding behind the curtain formed the attitude that alien politicians like Henry Kissinger considered proper as regards the use of America’s military…Simply a tool for the use of the elites..

That old Marine General Smedley Butler  who saw through this misuse of our military considered that it was being done to further the goals of the banking internationalists. He said that “War is a Racket”.  Probably the best summary analysis of them all. JRN

Congratulations Reader!

If you’re reading this it means you have made it to Hump Day this week and are heading down the back stretch towards the chocolate covered sugar encrusted gluttony that is Easter Weekend for some.

I’ll be continuing my long standing tradition of having the Easter Bunny for dinner…quite literally, while most of you I suspect will be having some form of Pork or Lamb product.

After lunch I suspect a trip to see some of Molly’s nearest relatives will ensue which likely means a marathon game of Monopoly, which if I have any hope of sleeping in my bed that night I will gracefully lose.…badly.

Before we begin laughing coffee out our noses I’d like to take a quick second to thank those readers who wrote us in support of the comments I made in Monday’s Last Word. Your continued voices of appreciation and support let us know we are still on the right path and doing the right thing and we are grateful for them.

Now Let’s All Have Good Laugh

 

The minister was  preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to  ask the congregation to come up with more money  than they were expecting for repairs to the church  building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that  the regular organist was sick and a substitute had  been brought in at the last minute. The substitute  wanted to know what to play.”Here’s a copy of  the service,” he said impatiently. “But, you’ll  have to think of something to play after I make  the announcement about the finances.”During  the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the  roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and  we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”
At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star  Spangled Banner.”And that is how the substitute became the regular  organist!

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled  the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.”When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.”

 

I saw Impish Dragon the other day dragging himself into the office looking like hell. I asked him why he looked so bad. He answered “I got too much stress. See I picked up a hitchhiker,  a beautiful hot girl. Suddenly she faints inside the car and so I took her to a hospital. Now that’s stressful.”

“Yeah, in the short term it must have been” I allowed, “but surely that briefly stressful incident could not be responsible for your looking THAT bad.” as I slid a drink to him

Impish moaned “No there’s yet more at the hospital, they say she is pregnant & congratulated me saying I was going to be a father. I told them in no uncertain terms that I was most definitely not the father, but the traitorous  girl said I was. This is now getting very stressful. So then … I had to request a DNA test to prove that was not the father. “

“Well that should have put an end to the stress right then and there…. right?” I responded.

“You’d think so but instead, it got even WORSE”  by this point Impish was almost sobbing into his drink “You see after the tests are completed, the doctor says that I’m infertile, and probably have been since birth. So, I’m NOT the father just like I said all along.”

“OK you were extremely stressed, but should be very relieved now its over and you have been vindicated. So would ya be kindly getting to the root o’ the fecking problem soon? Me drink ‘tis almost gone and so your time is almost too” I retorted getting a wee bit impatient with how long this was taking.

Sobbing now and pounding on the bar now Impish continued, “I was on my way back home, and I WAS relieved, or at least that is until I started to think about my three kids at home. “

NOW THAT’S THE STRESS I GOT!!

Impish came running (well OK more like waddling actually) up to me shouting, “O.M.G., I’m rich! I never thought I’d accumulate such wealth!”

Being his Financial Advisor, Accountant, Lawyer, as well as the CFO, Bookkeeper and Office Manager for DragonLaffs Enterprises, I was in a position to know exactly what he was worth and for the life of me could not figure out what he was talking about and told him so bluntly, “’Ere now, what is it your prattling on about?”

Impish explained (sadly he was rather proud of this too)

Silver in the Hair

Gold in the Teeth

Crystals in the Kidneys

Sugar in the Blood

Lead in the Ass

Iron in the Arteries

And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.

When I pointed out he had failed to list all the empty potential storage space between his ears as an asset he got mad and chased me about 300  feet until he ran out of breath! Well OK to be honest I’m not completely sure if he ran out of breath or spotted the buffet table and got distracted.

 

 

 

My television currently thru U-verse offers me something like 330 channels including 1/2 a dozen each of HBO and Cinemax currently though that’s about to expire. I figure if you discount the all Spanish, Asian, Towelhead, Shopping, News, Sports and Religion all the time channels that leaves me roughly 250 channels of programing that theoretically varies once to twice an hour.

Despite this Molly and I watch a scant 2 to 3 hours a night & slightly more on the weekends. This isn’t because we are particularly busy but rather because there is so little quality programing anymore. We record a lot from the BBCA and such English language foreign channels and watch it when we want. More so than we do with American programing of a non documentary nature.

Here is an example of why. It’s truly riotous and you can’t help but laugh regardless of your sex!

 

And all American TV can come up with is Dancing With The Stars and Celebrity Apprentice??

What the hell is THAT in the pool?

Let’s just SEE him try and get that grass stain out of his face without pretreating and soaking!

I didn’t know Mr. Fantastic played soccer!