Dragon Laffs #1165


I really didn’t mean for this issue to get this huge….it just kinda happened on it’s own.  But, you guys either get the present or the curse, depending on how you look at it, by getting this size of an issue.

What Leprechaun told you was true.  I tried a double lutz on the front driveway and it turned into a double klutz!  I did manage to crawl to the computer and put this together for today though, so….let’s take advantage of the fun and get to laughing!

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China’s President Hu Jintao will come to the White House and meet with President Obama this week. Our president is very anxious to talk with the Chinese. We’re a month late on the rent and he wants to explain that it’s the fault of Sarah Palin and talk radio. -A. Hamilton

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The  woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you this: “Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons? 

“Well, as a matter of fact, I have!” I’ve been divorced three times, owned 2 Toyotas, and I voted for Obama.”

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(Notice that a medium is a size 14 to 16!)

 

 

 
 
 
 
Remember making an apron in Home Ec? Read below:

 
 
 
The History of ‘APRONS’

4cI don’t think our kids know what an apron is. The principal use of Grandma’s apron was to protect the dress underneath because she only had a few. It was also because it was easier to wash aprons than dresses and aprons used less material. But along with that, it served as a potholder for removing
hot pans from the oven.
It was wonderful for drying children’s tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.
From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.
When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids.
And when the weather was cold Grandma wrapped it around her arms.
Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow,

bent over the hot wood stove.
Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron.
From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.
In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.
When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.
When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men folk knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.4b

It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that ‘old-time apron’ that served so many purposes.
Send this to those who would know (and love) the story about Grandma’s aprons.

REMEMBER:

Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool. Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw.
They would go crazy now trying to figure out how many germs were on that apron.
I don’t think I ever caught anything from an apron – but love…

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Groaner Zack

I was at a gas station the other day and noticed a man was getting gas

and he was smoking a cigarette.

 

I went inside to pay for my gas. The man outside somehow caught his arm

on fire. He came running inside the gas station and the clerk pulled out

a gun and shot him.

 

I asked the clerk why on earth he shot the man, and he replied,

“C’mon, you saw him. . . he had a fire arm.”

 

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Walk with me by the water, worth the read.
 
                      Try not to choke up.
 
I really think you will enjoy this, it is so . . .
…………………it’s just so hard to put into words.
     
A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLDER:
4d

SHIT!!
I forgot what it was……….

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Something new for all you apple fans out there.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my iPhone…but I don’t think I’m going for this gadget.  http://www.makeuseof.com/tech-fun/ihand-the-latest-must-have-gadget-for-apple-fanboys/

 

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It’s been touted as the best hotdog commercial ever….and they’re probably right!

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A very funny skit….imagine a world without photoshop http://www.makeuseof.com/tech-fun/imagine-a-world-without-photoshop/

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Housecleaning Hints

— Windows: Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.

— Cobwebs: Artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb,thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If someone points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim “What? And spoil the mood?” (Or just throw glitter on them and call them holiday decorations.)

— Pet Hair: Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter.)

— Guests: If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, “I’d love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive.”

— Dusting: If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that “This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes.”

— General Cleaning: Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh, I clean and I clean and I still don’t get anywhere.” As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and haven’t had time to clean… Works every time.

— Another favorite, I think from Erma Bombeck: Always keep several get-well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you’ve been sick and unable to clean.

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You can never get enough of Achmed the Dead Terrorist!

 

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A real eye opener as to the WW II Iwo Jima conquest!

All 132 photo’s are worth a review.


http://picasaweb.google.com/7thfighter/IwoJima?authkey=Gv1sRgCIW06db_6oth&feat=email#slideshow/5299163150448181842

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Farmarama

Feats

geek

A letter to the editor…

Dear Imp,

You wrote:

I happen to work with a bunch of engineers and they’re a great bunch of guys!
Fully half of them have a personality…
sorta…
maybe…

Well, like you, I used to be indecisive too.

Now…. I’m not so sure…

K-Squared

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The New York Mercantile Exchange saw oil near a hundred dollars a barrel Friday. Gas prices could be headed back up to four dollars per gallon once again. By the time summer vacation arrives it will be cheaper to mail your car to wherever you’re going. -A. Hamilton

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WOW!  Look at this…
Toowoomba Flood 2011.01.10
Amazing footage of East Creek near Chalk Drive / Chalk Lane rising and washing away lots of cars during Flash Flood in Toowoomba on Monday 10 January 2011.

 

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Unbaked Yeast Rolls 

Those of you who have animals will probably appreciate this the most. It is a story that is hilarious in itself and the person who wrote it is a good writer and made the story even better. Enjoy…

 

We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper.  He came to us in the summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10 year old child about whom you know nothing and committing to doing your best to be a good parent.

Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies.  He will only sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as he can get without actually performing a French kiss on me.

Lest you think this is a bad case of ‘no discipline,’ I should tell you that Perry and I tried every means to break him of this habit, including locking him in a separate bedroom for several nights.  The new door cost over $200.  But I digress.

Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house.  Although the cost of the project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended family, and a lot of friends that I like more than family most of the time.

I was assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend.  I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly.  It was the only appliance in the whole darn house that worked, thus the assignment.

I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wed evening to reheat Thurs am.  Since the kitchen was freshly painted, you can imagine the odor.  Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams #586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise for a few hours.  Perry and I decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour.  The rolls were ready to go in the oven.

It was 8:30 PM.  When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to my shock, one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty.  I called out to Jasper and my worst nightmare became a reality.  He literally wobbled over to me.  He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin Tire man wrapped up in fur.  He groaned when he walked.  I swear even his cheeks were bloated.

I ran to the phone and called our vet.  After a few seconds of uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be okay; however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the night.  God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when they were sick.  Suffice it to say that by the time we went to bed the dog was black, white and pink.  He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed for the night.

We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing, put the dog out to relieve himself.  Well, the dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first leave.  He was running into walls, falling flat on his butt and most of the time when he was walking, his front half was going one direction and the other half was either dragging the grass or headed 90 degrees in another direction.

He couldn’t lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee at the same time.  When he ran down the small incline in our back yard he couldn’t stop himself and nearly ended up running into the fence.

His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon.  I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk.

He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours, and to keep giving him Pepto Bismol.

Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up and took him with us to my sister’s house for the first Thanksgiving meal of the day.

My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch, (10 to 15 minute drive).  Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and I, we took off.

Now I know you probably don’t believe that dogs burp, but believe me when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP.  These burps were pure Old Charter.  They would have matched or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station.  But that’s not the worst of it.

Now he was beginning to fart and they smelled like baked rolls.  God strike me dead if I am not telling the truth!  We endured this for the entire trip to Karen’s, thankful she didn’t live any further away than she did.

Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister’s garage with the door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the day.  The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunken dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper’s latest endeavor to walk without running into something.  Of course, as the old adage goes, ‘what goes in must come out’ and Jasper was no exception.

Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put a concrete block up my behind, but alas a dog’s digestive system is quite different from yours or mine.  I discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karen’s house.  Having discovered his ‘packages’ on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor.

This was another naive decision on our part.  The blast of water from the hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop on the floor withstood the blast from the hose.  It was like Portland cement beginning to set up and cure.

We finally tried to remove it with a shovel.  I (obviously no one else was going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor.  And as if this wasn’t degrading enough, the darn dog in his drunken state had walked through the poop and left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed too.

Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home and dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner at Perry’s sister’s house.

I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to normal both in size and temperament.  He has had a bath and is no longer tricolor.  None the worse for wear I presume.  I am also happy to report that just this evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door.

It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea.  Now, I’m doing research on the computer as to:  ‘How to clean unbaked dough from the carpet.’

And how was your day?

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The hardest damn test you’ll ever take.  You need only get 4 questions correct (40%) to pass…are you ready?  Now, no cheating by looking at the answers!  I just barely passed with 4 out of 10 correct!

 

Question #1: How long did the Hundred Years’ War Last?

 

Question Mark1

 

Answer #1: The Hundred Years’ War lasted 116 years!  Come on.  Didn’t you get that one?  Okay, here’s the next one…

Question #2: From which country do we get Panama hats?

 

 

Question Mark2

 

Answer #2: Of course, the obvious answer is that Panama hats are made in Panama…right?  Nope, wrong!  Panama hats are made in Ecuador!  Who’d of thunk it?  Better luck with question three.

Question #3: From which animal do we get catgut?

 

 

Question Mark3

 

Answer #3: Right now your saying to yourself that you may not know the right answer, but you definitely know the wrong answer.  And the wrong answer is that catgut comes from cats.  And you would be correct that that is a wrong answer.  But, what is the correct answer?  Well, believe it or not, cat gut comes from Sheep and Goats!  Wikipedia says: “It is a type of cord that is prepared from the natural fiber in the walls of animals intestines.  Usually sheep or goat intestines are used, but it is occasionally made from the intestines of a hog, horse, mule or donkey.  While the name contains the morpheme ‘cat’, strings have never been made from the guts of cats.”  Wow, huh?  Okay, better luck with the next one…

Question #4: In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

 

question Mark4

 

Answer #4: Having caught on to the game, you know the answer is not October, but which of the 11 others is it?  Oh go ahead, take a shot in the dark.  What have you got to lose?  Ah, but if you are just guessing and just happen to get it right then you really didn’t get it right and you can’t really count it as a correct answer…at least…not to yourself…not if you have any integrity…okay, the answer is November!  November, already!  Put the gun down!

Question #5:  (Boy, you sure are getting mean when you keep getting these wrong) What is a camel’s hair brush made out of?

 

question mark

 

Answer #5: I’m not going to tease you or anything anymore…you are dangerous when animatedSquirrelyou get cranky!  A camel’s hair brush is made from squirrel fur!  Now, think of all the fun we COULD’VE had with this if you weren’t so mad at missing so many answers.  Sheesh!  Just remember, it’s all your fault.

 

Question #6: The Canary Islands, in the Pacific, you remember them.  Right?  The Canary Islands?  Okay, so what animal are the Canary Islands named after?  You got this one, right?

 

question_clipart

 

Answer #6:  The Canary Islands, in the Pacific, are named after dogs!  dogrunsYou got that one, right?  No?  You better get it together, you have to get all the rest of them right to get a passing score on this test… let’s go!

 

Question #7: What was King George VI’s first name?  Ok, now this one ought to be super easy…

 

question1

 

Answer #7: Albert!  It was Albert!  Albert was King George VI’s first name!  I can’t believe you didn’t get that one.

Man, let’s just get this over with…

Question #8: What color is a purple finch?

 

Clip Art Graphic of an Orange Guy Character Holding A Curvy Question Mark

 

Answer #8: A purple finch is the color crimson.  What else would it be?

Question #9: Where are Chinese gooseberries from?  And no…before you even go there, they’re not from geese!

 

 

question

 

Answer #9: Chinese gooseberries come from New Zealand….not from geese!

And finally, to put us all out of this misery….Question #10: What is the color of the black box (you know the black box, that indestructible thingy that they ought to make the whole plane out of if it’s so indestructible) in a commercial airplane?

 

airplane5plane006plane15

 

ORANGE!!!!! The black box on a commercial airplane is orange!  Of course!

You failed, didn’t you?

Sigh!

Hope you had fun, just the same!  Until later!

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3 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1165

  1. Ianmd says:

    Re the Last Word quiz, a few little errors:
    Q 6 The Canary Islands are in the Atlantic Ocean, not the Pacific,
    Q 9 Chinese gooseberries really do come from China! Good marketing in NZ came up with the name Kiwi fruit when they were first sold in the USA as China was not on good terms politically when they were first exported from NZ to USA. It’s also said that Italy markets the greater portion (35%) of the world share.

    • impishdragon says:

      Ianmd…(Dr. Ian? anyway…) To ruin a perfectly good quiz with facts is just unacceptable in today’s society! You should be ashamed, Dr. Ian, ashamed!
      Okay, seriously now, thanks for sharing the info. I think the correction to question #6 is a moot point and think we’ll just chalk it up to ignorance on the test giver and as far as the info on question #9…that was some good stuff, I didn’t know that. So, everyone give yourself an additional half a point credit for #9 whether you got it right or wrong…and give yourself a whole point credit if you did say china.
      There, fixed that one, let’s move on.
      Oh, and thanks for writing Dr. Ian.
      Cheers!

  2. Jeannie says:

    Hooray for Zack! I love his groaners!

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