Grr! Arrrgh!  Leprechaun need cauldron of coffee. Had late night working. Morning come too soon with more work. Wicked not get rest. Dragon speak now.

Good Morning Campers!
I had to share this with everyone….right off the bad, Dreamweaver wrote back and called bullshit on my Last Word from Dragon Laffs #1167…and referenced this snopes article: http://www.snopes.com/science/microwave/plants.asp NICE JOB Dreamweaver!  Calling Bullshit on us is a GOOD thing.  ( what’s this US thing Impish? It was totally YOUR issue!) We like it when people disagree with us and find us wrong. (not really that’s more Dragon bullshit, we actually get pretty annoyed with ourselves and feel pretty stupid)  We just don’t like it when they do it meanly or by name calling.  Thanks for straightening us out Dreamweaver.  Maybe we need the golden bullshit ( more like the golden dragon meadow muffin since he is usually the one that doesn’t check before publishing!) award or something….
How about this:

 

It’s Friday.  The day of the week we all look forward to…that is…if you have the weekend off.  If you are in a service industry job, whether it’s police or cook, fireman or waitress, you guys tend to work when the rest of us don’t.  Having been there before and, to a degree, still am, we here at Dragon Laffs Enterprises salute you and your dedication to working while we are playing.  And our military camper friends are working all the time.  So, here’s to you guys!  Thanks for your service!
Now, let’s laugh!

 

It’s Friday once again and here at Dragon Laffs Headquarters recently that’s meant two things, the posting of the weekend edition and Impish at his desk in his ‘Casual Friday’ attire. NOT a pretty sight I assure you. You scoff? Well see for yourself and don’t say I didn’t warn you!!

TOLD YOU it wasn’t pretty! Now if you’ll excuse me while you good folks continue to laugh I’m going to go bleach my eyeballs and pickle my brain in Irish Whiskey in hopes of removing that image from them again this week.

 

 

 

Occasionally even we mythical and fairie folk find ourselves getting hoodwinked by an Urban Legend or incorrectly quoting or misattributing something. It’s bound to happen sooner or later because even us magical creatures are bound by some of the same inconvenient universally constant laws as you mere mortals. Murphy’s Law(s), the Laws of Probability and such things pop immediately to mind.

Now in our defense I have to say as a Leprechaun and a conniving, I mean contriving, I mean ENTERPRISING business man I have to say I know more than a little about the Con Game and making things look so legit that someone doesn’t feel the need to do more than take it at face value and ever I am occasionally impressed by some of the malarkey that crosses my desk.

Apparently such was the occasion yesterday when Impish posted his bit about the evils of microwaving food and drink.

( I had this portion mostly set last night to go before the Dragon decided to try and redeem himself so I didn’t take it out. Personally if you ask me he was afraid of what I was going to say about his shoddy journalism practices)

TLC Promo

 

A woman’s husband comes home hammered every night
and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.
One day she decides to try some reverse psychology.
When her husband staggers in that night, she’s waiting
for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair
and gives him a backrub.It’s getting late, big boy, she
says after a few minutes. Why don’t we go upstairs to bed.
We might as well, slurs the husband. I’m going to be in
trouble when I get home, anyway.
______________

The couple ahead of me at the swanky hotel desk, were
asking for a room with a king, queen or double bed. The
clerk apologized and said that the only rooms available
had twin beds.Disappointed, the man remarked, “I don’t
know. We’ve been sharing the same bed for 44 years.”
“Could you possibly put them close together?” the wife asked.
Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented,
“How romantic.”Then the woman finished her request with,
“Because if he snores, I want to be able to punch him.”

The great USA where:

1-Where the greatest modern intelligence coups are achieved via Wikileaks.
2-Printing money goes wrong
3-We worship “freedom” and don’t know what it means
4-There is no need for immigration laws
5-We give half of our working class jobs overseas, and don’t say anything about it
6-Where we give other countries billions of dollars in aid annually, while our economy, children and senior citizens suffer.
7-We criticize every president we ever had and every politician, even if they did not do anything!
8-We protest over anything largely because our media does anything BUT report the news truthfully.
9-We are the most divided country in existence and we call ourselves the United States, maybe out of irony

…..and yet we are surprised and indignantly shocked to be laughed at by most of the rest of the world!

FAIRLY certain that violates the “No Torture” aspects of the Geneva convention and opens him to war crimes charges! It sure as HELL isn’t going to do anything positive for our image abroad either!

Graciemj writes us:

Just goes to show you how disgusted America is with what’s-her-name’s performance at the Super Bowl…

Saturday Night Live – National Anthem

http://www.hulu.com/watch/124965/saturday-night-live-national-anthem

 

A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”
“Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”
“Twelve thirty.”

==========
PINOCCHIO
 
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
 
Gepetto suggested he try little fine sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
 
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, “How’s the girlfriend?”
 
Pinocchio replied, “Who needs a girlfriend?”

Be  alert next Monday.

ALIENS ARE COMING TO EARTH ON MONDAY!

THEIR MISSION IS TO ABDUCT ALL GOOD LOOKING &

PEOPLE.

I JUST EWANTED TO SAY  “GOODBYE”.

DON’T WORRY, IMPISH WILL STILL BE HERE FOR YOU

Seems as though it all comes down to genetic predisposition!

 

 

A golfer playing in  Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer’s ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

‘Arrgh!  What happened?’ the Leprechaun asked.

‘I’m afraid I hit you with my golf ball,’ the golfer says.

‘Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.  Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?’

‘Thank God, you’re all right!’ the golfer answers in relief. ‘I don’t want anything, I’m just glad you’re OK, and I apologize.’

And the golfer walks off.

‘What a nice guy,’ the Leprechaun says to himself. ‘I have to do something for him.  I’ll give him the  three things I would want… a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.’

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

‘Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,’ the little guy says. ‘I just want to ask ye, how’s yer golf game?’

‘My game is fantastic!’ the golfer answers. I’m an internationally famous golfer now.’ He adds, ‘By the way, it’s good to see you’re all right.’

‘Oh, I’m fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know.  And tell me, how’s yer money situation?’

‘Why, it’s just wonderful!’ the golfer states.. ‘When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn’t even know were there!’

‘I did that fer ye also.’ And tell me, how’s yer sex life?’

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, ‘It’s  OK.’

C’mon, c’mon now,’ urged the Leprechaun, ‘I’m wanting to know if I did a good job.  How many times a week?’

Blushing  even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,  ‘Once, sometimes twice a week.’

‘What??’ responds the Leprechaun in shock. ‘That’s all? Only once or twice a week?’

‘Well,’ says the golfer, ‘I figure that’s not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.’

======

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, ‘If I had all the beer in the  world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’
With even greater emphasis he said, ‘And if I had All the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, ‘And if I had all the whiskey  in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’
Sermon complete, he sat down..
The song leader stood very cautiously  and announced With a smile, nearly laughing, ‘For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, ‘Shall We Gather at the River.

You all can sing, me I’m heading down to the river to drown me sorrows!

Such understated eloquence! Kind of brings tears to your eyes too doesn’t it? Sort of a new variation on the old “I come in peace, accept it or I’ll leave you in pieces.” nuclear shock and awe speech from the good old Cold War days!

Two days in a row of doctor’s appointments and I’m really ready to go back to work today.  I know, that sounds so…un-American, but you haven’t been in my shoes for two days.  Be that as it may, I’m really ready to go back.
Thanks again to all who’ve contributed to our 2011 campaign.  For those of you who’re still interested in helping us out with bandwidth, overhead, food costs, drug and drug paraphernalia, pizza and Nacho chips, and all the other items it requires to run a successful e-zine, you can still click the icon down below to contribute to our great e-zine.  You’d be amazed by our monthly electron bill alone!  Send your loose change, quarters found in the couch, dollars found tucked in the pockets of winter coats. 

Anyway, if you want to help you can, if you don’t want to, you don’t have to…the same great jokes, stories and articles are going to continue to appear in our publication.  Now, let’s get on with the laughter!

And behind the curtain, we present to you……..TA DA!  The car of the future!  It’s here. http://www.flixxy.com/gm-hy-wire-concept-car.htm Hydrogen Fuel Cell, drive by wire technology. No gasoline, no battery, no exhaust and there is already one built right now!  The price tag is a bit high at the moment at $8,000,000+ or £5,000,000 and you’ll have to wait 10 to 15 years (or more) for mass production, but it is here!  

If you don’t get the “Make Use Of…” e-zines or e-mails, you should check them out.

3 Awesome Historical Google Maps Mashups

Have you ever wondered how your favorite place used to look like 50 or 100 years ago? Would you like to refresh your childhood memories and find out what your native town looked like when you were a kid? Here are three Google Map projects that turn back the clock…..Click here to keep reading or : http://www.makeuseof.com/tag/3-awesome-historical-google-maps-mashups/

Geeky fun!

Folks, this was done in 1986….to some of you that was ancient history, but to most of us, it wasn’t that long ago…25 years ago…..Are you hearing me?  This was only 25 years ago!  We’ve made that much progress in less than a quarter of a century!  Unbelievable!
http://www.makeuseof.com/tech-fun/1986-cell-phone/

Scared yet?

One of the places we, at Dragon Laffs, draw our material from is a group called “Make Use Of”.  They are an outstanding organization based in England who are both funny and helpful.  Kind of like us without the ranting and soapboxes.  Anyway, one of the things they do VERY well is publish helpful books.  I’ve read several and have gotten something useful out of each and every one, so here is their latest, sent to us in email format….you get the same way we got it.

Hey Everyone,

MakeUseOf just published another excellent guide. Make Use Of it and share it!DOWNLOAD Windows On Speed: A Free PC Tune Up Guide http://www.makeuseof.com/tag/download-windows-speed-free-pc-tune-guide/

There’s no question that Windows slows down over time. Don’t fear though, because you can speed it up. The Windows On Speed, includes all the information you need to speed up your slow PC!
– Why Windows slows down over time
– How to separate your data and operating systems with partitioning
– The importance of defragmenting your hard drive
– Free software for speeding up your PC
– The perils and overpromise of registry cleaners
– Easy steps you can take to speed up your PC

DOWNLOAD Windows On Speed: A Free PC Tune Up Guide

http://www.makeuseof.com/tag/download-windows-speed-free-pc-tune-guide/

Like all MakeUseOf manuals, the “Windows On Speed” is completely free. Please share it with your friends on Facebook and Twitter. We need your help.
Enjoy!

MakeUseOf Limited
105 Collingwood Road
Colchester, C03 9BB
Essex / UK

A very old joke, but one of my favorites!

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared The computer industry with the auto industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.”
In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: if GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to re-install the engine.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You’d press the “start” button to shut off the engine.

Well? 

This is WAY COOL!  I Want One!
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=cuIJRsAuCHQ 

No kidding!  Thank Goodness for Global Warming!

This Japanese Beer commercials is incredible, detailed w/fantasia. Seriously, this Japanese beer ad is like watching an adventure movie.

CLICK BELOW TO VIEW-TURN UP SOUND

YouTube – Sapporo Beer Commercial – Legendary Biru

Here’s another oldie, but goodie:

The children began to identify the lifesaver flavors by their color:
Red…………………..Cherry
Yellow………………Lemon
Green………………….Lime
Orange ……………Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste. The teacher said, ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.’
One little girl looked up in horror, spat her lifesaver out and yelled, ‘Oh my God! They’re ass-holes’!
The teacher had to leave the room!

This one is really, really bad!  Please be very careful in the handling of this joke!

There’s these two French Legionnaires in the desert, and they’ve been separated from their unit and are lost. They’ve been wandering for several days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them.
Naturally, they can’t believe their eyes and think it’s a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stall holders’ cries, and they eventually reach the market and realised that it’s really there.
So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stall holder, “Stall holder, we have been travelling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us. Tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?”
The stall holder shook his head and replied “I’m sorry, french legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly,topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake.”
The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stall holder, “Mr purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been travelling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water.”
The stall holder looked at them embarrassed, and confessed “Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me. All I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top, there,” he said, pointing out the glace cherry.  “I cannot help you.”
The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stall holder, “Look, mate,” (cuz they’d stopped talking funny all of a sudden) “we need water or we’ll die. We’ve been travelling without water for days and need some now. Do you have any you can sell us?”
The stall holder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, “Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake. I can’t help you. I’ll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration.”
The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each stall holder whether they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but each stall holder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands of
pieces of fruit and cake.
Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun.
As they did so, one turned to the other and said, “That was really odd, a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake.”
The other turned to face his companion and replied, “Yes, it was a trifle bazaar.”

 

Okay, here’s one for debate that I think will be quite interesting in hearing from all you guys on your thoughts on this…um…unusual topic.  Thanks to Stephanie for starting this one off:

Microwaved Water – See What It Does To Plants Below is a science fair project. In it she took filtered water

and divided it into two parts. The first part she heated to

boiling in a pan on the stove, and the second part she heated

to boiling in a microwave. Then after cooling she used the

water  to water two identical plants to see if there would be

any difference in the growth between the normal boiled water

and the water boiled in a microwave. She was thinking that

the structure or energy of the water may be compromised by

microwave. As it turned out, even she was amazed at the

Sup my minions!

The dragon finally got around to making me my Leprechaun Laffs banner. Got a couple other new graphics that will be making their first appearances over the next few days as well as we try out some new features too.

I’d like to take this opportunity to wish Mrs Impish dragon a belated Happy Birthday! 300 years is quite the milestone! I remember my 300th birthday celebration quite fondly…what little of it I as sober for that is.

And now without further ado I give you our own far from famous and decidedly less cute answer to the Geico Gecko…IMPISH DRAGON !

Good Morning Campers,
Wednesday morning.  Hump day, on the way to a three-day weekend!  I can hardly wait! I hope everyone is doing well.
I want to thank everyone who has contributed to this year’s fund raiser so far.  As yet, it’s been kind of a slow start, but I expect you campers, being the great guys that you are, will throw in some loose change or whatever you can spare into the jar.  For those of you who wish to contribute, it’s easy through paypal.  Just click on the link: https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=P894L2VX896HN and you don’t even have to have a paypal account.  Credit card, debit card, or just plain bank account will work and for those of you who don’t want to use paypal but still wish to contribute, please email me at and you don’t even have to have a paypal account.  Credit card, debit card, or just plain bank account will work and for those of you who don’t want to use paypal but still wish to contribute, please email me at impishdragon@yahoo.com and I can give you an address for a check or money order.
Please understand that there is no requirement to donate, we’re going to be here anyway, but it helps with the expenses and keeps us from having to advertise on the blog.  I hope this year to be able to pay for the more expensive wordpress account where we don’t even have any of THEIR advertising on the site, but for right now, that’s a bit out of our reach.  Anyway, that’s it for the plea for today.  It’s past time to get to the laughs, so let’s do this!
Cheers my friends,
Impish

 

Dat better be da leaded stuff too!

Three golfers, Bob, Max, and Ted, are looking for a fourth. Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday.

“Sure, I’d love to play,” says George, “but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me.”

Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00, and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed, and beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he’d like to play again the following Saturday.

“Yeah, sounds great,” says George. “But, I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me.”

The following Saturday, all four golfers again show up on time, but this time George plays left-handed, and beats them all. As they’re getting ready to leave, George says, “See you next Saturday. But, I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me.”

Every week from then on, George is right on time and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same message.

After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he says, “Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about ten minutes late, but you’re right on time and then you beat us either left-handed or right-handed. What’s the story?”

“Well,” George says, “I’m kind of superstitious. When I get up in the morning, I look at my wife. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed, and if she’s on her right side, I play right-handed.”

“So what do you do if she’s sleeping on her back?” Bob asks.

“Then I’m about ten minutes late.”

Wonder what I can get for one of those on Pawn Stars!

Since I’m pretty sure that my exposé on Catholic iPhone & iPad Sin Apps has gotten me a First Class Seat on the Hell Express direct flight, I figured in for a penny in for a pound so here’s a few more Catholic jokes.

Why Go to Church?
    One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was
time to get ready for church, to which he replied, “I’m not going.”
    “Why not?” she asked.
    I’ll give you two good reasons,” he said. “(1), they don’t like me, and
(2), I don’t like them.”
    His mother replied, “I’ll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to
church:
    (1) You’re 49 years old, and (2) you’re the pastor!”

      The Picnic
    A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town’s annual 4th of
July picnic.  Old friends, they began their usual banter.
    “This baked ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi. “You
really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t
understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know
what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s
prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down
and try it?”
    The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding.”

    The Usher
    An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly
usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
    “Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.
    “The front row, please,” she answered.
    “You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said. “The pastor is
really boring.”
    “Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.
    “No,” he said.
    “I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.
    “Do you know who I am?” he asked.
    “No,” she said.
    “Good,” he answered.

    Show and Tell
    A kindergarten teacher gave her class a “show and tell” assignment.
Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.
    The first student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David.”
    The second student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Mary. I’m a Catholic and this is a Rosary.”
    The third student got in up front of the class and said, “My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole.”

The fourth student got in up front of the class and said, “My name is Impish. I’m a Cranky Dragon and this is Coffee”

The fifth student got in up front of the class and said, “My name is Lethal, I’m a Leprechaun. This WAS your lunch money its mine now!”

    The Best Way to Pray
    A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby
    “Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.
    “No,” said the minister. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”
    “You’re both wrong,” the guru said. “The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.”
    The repairman could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted. “The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”

    The Twenty and the One
    A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.
    As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
    The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
    “I’ve had a pretty good life,” the twenty proclaimed.. “Why I’ve been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean   …”
    “Wow!” said the one-dollar bill. “You’ve really had an exciting life!”
    “So, tell me,” says the twenty, “where have you been throughout your lifetime?”
    The one dollar bill replies, “Oh, I’ve been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church   …”
    The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, “What’s a church?”

   Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner.  While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
    “Goat,” the little boy replied.
    “Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?”
    “Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Dad say to Mom, ‘Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.’ “

    Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

Thanks to Mike for these who doesn’t know it yet but has the seat next to mine on the Hell Express!

Or so claims K-squared who sent us this.

Stay

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center, and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Yellow Lab Puppy had enough fresh air.

She was stretched-out on the back seat and I needed to impress upon her that she must remain in the car.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Stay . You stay.

Do you hear me?” “Stay !!! Stay !!!”  I said over and over again.

Suddenly, the driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young woman, gave me a strange look and shouted, “Why don’t you just put it in “Park”?”

========

HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS BITCH
Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement, not even her parent’s nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ”Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ”Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.”
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ”Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.”

Her mother just smiled and replied, ”Of course I do, dear. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.”

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!

Women are Angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly … on a broomstick. We are flexible.

CULTURE WAR IN SOUTH DAKOTA TAKES A RADICAL TURN…. A month into the new legislative session in South Dakota, Republican efforts have gone from odd to frightening with disconcerting speed.

Two weeks ago, one Republican lawmaker in the state had a very silly proposal to force residents to purchase firearms. Last week, GOP officials in the legislature launched a plan to make surrogacy arrangements for couples who can’t have children a felony. (thanks to J.S. for the tip)

But Kate Sheppard reports today on just how far Republican culture warriors in South Dakota’s legislature are willing to go.

South Dakota Moves To Legalize Killing Abortion Providers

A law under consideration in South Dakota would expand the definition of “justifiable homicide” to include killings that are intended to prevent harm to a fetus — a move that could make it legal to kill doctors who perform abortions. The Republican-backed legislation, House Bill 1171, has passed out of committee on a nine-to-three party-line vote, and is expected to face a floor vote in the state’s GOP-dominated House of Representatives soon.

The bill, sponsored by state Rep. Phil Jensen, a committed foe of abortion rights, alters the state’s legal definition of justifiable homicide by adding language stating that a homicide is permissible if committed by a person “while resisting an attempt to harm” that person’s unborn child or the unborn child of that person’s spouse, partner, parent, or child. If the bill passes, it could in theory allow a woman’s father, mother, son, daughter, or husband to kill anyone who tried to provide that woman an abortion — even if she wanted one.

For all the ridiculous paranoia on the right about creeping “sharia law,” here we see a Republican plan at the state level to make it legal to assassinate medical professionals as part of a larger culture war.

Not sick enough to your stomach yet? No? Well you should be! Read more about the departure from sanity here:

http://motherjones.com/politics/2011/02/south-dakota-hb-1171-legalize-killing-abortion-providers

or here:

http://qwstnevrythg.com/2011/02/s-dak-legalize-killing/

Anyone else reading this think this is total bullshit? (well it IS but just not the urban legend hoax kind) see here in all its legal “glory”:

http://legis.state.sd.us/sessions/2011/Bill.aspx?File=HB1171HJU.htm

https://legis.state.sd.us/sessions/2011/Bills/HB1171HJU.pdf

Leprechaun here. Best get comfy, I have not ranted about anything in a goodly while and I’m fixin’ ta pitch me a real hissy fit over this as they say here in Texas.

I thought long and hard about using this for a ‘The Last Word’.  NOT because its not comment worthy but because it evokes such  strong passionate sentiment and debate in so many people on both sides of the issue. See my point in posting this is NOT about being Pro or Con for the bill. Rather I did it for several reasons that have nothing to actually do with the issue of abortion at all, namely;

1.) because the bill is a poorly written travesty of law. Why? No seriously, you have to ask why it is a travesty of law? The answer to that is not blatantly and painfully obvious?! Because first of all as it stands it can be theoretically used by any John Q Public to circumvent any abortion clinic worker’s or doctor’s Constitutional right to Due Process under the Law! How about that for starters? You need more? Ok what if some wing-nut in a zealous fervor decides that shooting each worker in the clinic is too time consuming and that he’s likely to be stopped before he kills all those threatening the fetuses so he uses a bomb? What if the abortion is taking place in a hospital setting? Bullets and hospitals should be mutually exclusive things unless the hospital is removing a bullet from a shooting that occurred elsewhere!

2.) to prove what we here at DragonLaffs have stated numerous times when we get accused of coming down too hard and often on Liberals or Democrats, which is we call bullshit on BOTH political parties when and as we see/encounter it at ANY level of government, local, state, or federal.

Well I’ve seen it, stepped in it and I’m calling it BULLSHIT!

3.) to prove to everyone that “loonies” do not solely populate the liberal fringe but can be found in equally frightening numbers (and with equally frightening ideas/agendas) on the conservative side of the aisle as well.

4.) To clearly demonstrate why it is important that we here at DragonLaffs and other like minded sites and blogs do what it is we do, drag these disgusting things out of the shadows and in to the light where (a bet while ridiculing them) we can call attention to them because too many of you think your responsibilities with and for our government stop after election day. Were SOMEONE not watching and crying “FOUL!” on odious pieces of legislation like this there is no telling how much worse off the country would be than it already is!

REMEMBER ours is a government FOR the PEOPLE, BY the People and OF the People, ALL OF THE PEOPLE!  Those we elect are there to represent us and OUR WILL.  Again, that’s ALL OUR WILLS, not just those who’s wills coincide with their own values and beliefs or that of special interest groups with deep pockets who can help them get re-elected and make a career out of something that was never intended to be.

The laws made should be for the BETTERMENT OF ALL SOCIETY AND ITS MEMBERS.  If ANY PARTY cannot represent us and our will, following our instructions by heeding our opinion in a fair honest and responsible manner and/or author or support such shoddy and poorly conceived legislation then it is up to us to raise a cry and hue SO profound that they be removed from their office regardless be they be Republican, Democrat, Green Party,  Tea Party or Independent!

ONLY once we start doing this on a regular basis will the message be clearly received by all levels of government and only then will government stop representing its own best interests and go back to representing us and ours!

Thus endth this rant.

Good Morning Campers!
Well, it’s that time again.  The time of the year where we throw ourselves on the mercies of our wonderful campers, prostrate ourselves on the ground of generosity and ask you wonderful people to help us out with our costs and expenses.  Bandwidth isn’t free (nor is it cheap), overhead, advertising, electricity, coffee for the break room, graft, bribes, payoffs, gratuities, lap dances, equipment update, maintenance, repair, replacement….the list goes on and on.  None of us hear at Dragon Laffs Enterprises are independently wealthy, we have to do this for free.  We love what we do, truly we do, but what we do costs us money.  We would hate to have to stop doing what we love simply because we could no longer afford it, so we ask for help.  And the wonderful campers that you are, you always come through for us.  So, help us pay the bills.  Click on the little blue guy above, click on the dollar sign to the left or go here and donate (https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=P894L2VX896HN) Thank you ever so much!  You are the best!

Now, let’s laugh!

 

 

Not really sure what to make of this… I can’t imagine this really working…unless it has something to do with the forward momentum of the subway car.  Any ideas?  Explanation?

 

 

New Doll
The latest toy has hit the shops – a talking Muslim doll.
Nobody knows what it says because no one has the guts to pull the cord.

 

This was sent to me by a good female friend….so does that let me off the sexist hook?

THE PERFECT DAY – FOR HER
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed – Freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents – expensive jewelry chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo condition, blow dry
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
12:45 Catch sight of boyfriend’s ex and notices she has gained 7kg
13:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
15:00 Nap
16:00 3 dozen roses delivered by florist – card is from secret admirer
16:15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
17:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror
19:30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers
22:00 Hot shower [alone]
22:50 Carried to bed…[Freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen]
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.

THE PERFECT DAY – FOR HIM
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast – rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked buxom wench
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several Whiskeys en-route to airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear Jet
9:30 Limo to Riverside Oaks Golf Club [Blow job en-route]
9:45 Play front nine [2 under]
11:45 Lunch – Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine [4 under]
14:15 Limo back to airport
14:30 Fly to Monte Carlo
15:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew [all nude]
16:30 Land world record Marlin [1234lbs] on light tackle
17:00 Fly home – massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson
18:45 Shit, shower, shave
19:00 Watch news – Brad Pitt assassinated; marijuana and porn legalized
19:30 Dinner – Lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon, big juicy fillet steak followed by Ice cream served on a pair of tits
21:00 Napoleon Brandy and Cohiba cigar in front of wall size TV as you watch Match of the Day
21:30 Sex with three women [all with lesbian tendencies]
23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and cleansing ale
23:30 Night cap blow job
23:45 In bed alone
23:50 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room

 

 

“Did somebody lose a cat?”

Now this is a gun show!  Dan, are you watching?
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=OQnU1t7UzgM

 

Stupid Amazon Products With Impressively Sarcastic Reviews…

http://tinyurl.com/25wgbv6

 

So many Zack wanna-be’s….this one is really pretty bad.  The young lady who sent this in even said she was embarrassed to send it….but it didn’t seem to stop you, did it?

Miguel Rodriquez long suffered from insomnia. It was a rare night that he slept more than an hour. He had consulted numerous physicians in Mexico and the United States but none had been able to help him. Even the strongest sedatives could not give him a restful night of sleep.
One day, Miguel met and fell in love with a beautiful senorita named Esta Gonzales. Now when he wants to sleep he just looks at her picture. Miguel has known from his childhood that when you see Esta, you sleep.

Thanks to Mike for this great one.  Watch full screen and turn the music WAY up!  Okay, then turn it back down when the neighbors start to complain.  Enjoy!

30 minutes compressed into 4 minutes. Landing LAX at night. The last minute of the video made me a bit dizzy, LOL
Twilight Landing At Los Angeles LAX (Cockpit View)

Okay, I just read this and I’ve got to put it in the e-zine, right now.  This if from Doug, and as you will read, he’s from Canada.  You can read the original comment in the comments section to the right of the e-zine on the main page, but here it is so EVERYONE can read it and so that we can start the conversation back up.  For the record, I agree with Doug’s thinking 100% and he very eloquently expresses his opinions, doesn’t get nasty with the opposing views, doesn’t have to resort to name calling, etc.  Nice job Doug!  I’m with you, bud!  Here it is:

OK, I wasn’t gonna comment on the ‘open carry’ concept, but if most people are against, I gotta weigh in. First of all, I’m Canadian. There’s no possibility of an open carry law here in the foreseeable future. We just spent upwards of a billion dollars to register all the hunting rifles and shotguns in the country (with an economy based on about 10% of the US population).
That being said, I am strongly in favor of the US 2nd amendment, the rights it guarantees and specifically the open carry concept.
A full explanation of why would be too lengthy for this forum; an incomplete one is likely to be unconvincing. Suffice it to say that I believe that there IS such a thing as deterrence. Crime rates are simply lower where there is police presence, the likelihood of being caught, or the possibility of personal harm (and in small towns: a sense of anonymity contributes directly to the crime rate). Sure, if everyone carried a gun, ‘crimes of passion’-type deaths could go up, because a readily available mortal weapon would allow confrontations to escalate. OTOH, those crimes are usually solved in a matter of minutes, and there would almost certainly very quickly be a movement toward emotional control in society, if the consequences of a momentary loss thereof were so drastic.
Accidental gun discharges are rarer than most people believe, and a gun that is always on your person (like your cellphone) is difficult for a child to access.
So what other arguments against are there?.. that it is ‘uncivilized’ to carry a weapon? Tell that to the police, the armed forces and most of the societies in history. Or maybe it’s that guns are evil and/or frightening? Frankly, EVERY person on the planet has a seriously skewed assessment of risk. For just one example, how else could we enter a car every day without a care, and fear airplanes which are statistically far safer. This is not about fact, it’s about emotion. The fact is that an armed population is safer… but most people don’t FEEL that way. Maybe TV is to blame. After all, there’s gotta be a murder an hour on the TV every hour of the day and night.. and gun violence makes the news, too. It’s rather difficult to look past all that at the real risks and statistics. So frankly, I don’t think open carry is likely to fly very many places… which is too bad. Because a gun equalizes the force equation between a 120lb woman and a 200lb man, or even a group. As the old saying goes, ‘God created man, but Samuel Colt created him equal’.
Or maybe the other old adage is even more appropriate: ‘The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is that good men do nothing’. It is not possible to take the guns away from the criminals. Ceding the field to them unopposed is insane. Police simply cannot be everywhere. Good men should also be armed. It just makes sense.

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair – there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?”
“Ever go fishing?” the policeman suddenly asked the man.
“Um, yeah…” the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, “Did you ever catch all the fish?”

Three elderly ladies were at the doctor for a cognitive reasoning test. The doctor says to the first gal, “What is three times three?”
“297,” was her prompt reply. “Ummm humm,” says the doc.

The doctor says to the lady, “It’s your turn now. What is three times three?”
“Friday,” replies the second lady. “Ummm humm…”

Then the doc says to the third, “Okay, mam, your turn. What’s three times three?”
“Nine,” says she. “That’s wonderful!” says the doc. “Tell me, how did you get that?” “Simple,” she says, beaming… “I subtracted 297 from Friday!”

Don’t tell your friends about your indigestion.
“How are you” is a greeting, not a question.
~Arthur Guiterman

“Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking
they hit a triple.” –Barry Switzer

It’s those right-wing wackos’ fault!
They’re a bunch of Nazi fascists!

It’s those left-wing loonies’ fault!
They’re all Marxist communists!
Political discussion in America is nothing
more than a shouting match at this point.

The Top 5 Signs American Politics  Has Become Too Divisive

5.  Capitol rotunda to be replaced by a steel-cage octagon.

4.  Against the strain of trying to reconcile his left side with
    his right side, Independent Joe Lieberman’s body subdivides
    like an amoeba.

3.  Even the decision to recess for lunch is filibustered.

2.  Your 7th-grader was elected class president, but can’t take
    office until you produce an original birth certificate.

and The Number 1 Sign
American Politics Has Become Too Divisive…

1.  At the Senate swearing-in ceremonies, there were 14 Bibles,
    six Torahs, two Qur’ans, a Book of Mormon, a Boy Scout
    Handbook and a copy of the 2011 NASCAR schedule.

The Old Country Boy’s:
DID YA KNOW OR DO YA CARE?
Early in the history of telephones, there were about 300 com-
peting phone companies in America. You could call only the
people who did business with the same company as you.

My buddy Smitty sent this to me, just as a way to say hi, and he even told me that he remembered when I sent it to him, but you know, it could just as easily have been from a couple of other “friends” that I have from “those days” and some “friends” that I have from now.  Veteran’s are friends who’ve had the same life experiences as you, even if you never met until after…  the last little bit says it all, and puts all of us in a different category from all of them….at one point in our lives we wrote that check….that blank check….
and that made all the difference.  To ALL my veteran friends, even those I haven’t met yet, this is for you:

Veteran to Veteran…..
When a Veteran leaves the ‘job’ and retires, many are jealous, some are pleased, and others, who may have already retired, wonder if he knows what he is leaving behind, because we already know.
1. We know, for example, that after all of the camaraderie that few experience, it will remain as a longing for those past times.
2. We know in the Military life there is a fellowship which lasts long after the uniforms are hung up in the back of the closet.
3. We know even if he throws them away, they will be on him with every step and breath that remains in his life. We also know how the very bearing of the man speaks of what he was and in his heart still is.

These are the burdens of the job. You will still look at people suspiciously, still see what others do not see or choose to ignore and always will look at the rest of the Military world with a respect for what they do; only grown in a lifetime of knowing.

Never think for one moment you are escaping from that life. You are only escaping the ‘job’ and merely being allowed to leave ‘active’ duty.

So what I wish for you is that whenever you ease into retirement, in your heart you never forget for one moment that you are still a member of the greatest fraternity the world has ever known.

Civilian Friends vs. Veteran Friends Comparisons……
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Get upset if you’re too busy to talk to them for a week,
VETERAN FRIENDS: Are glad to see you after years, and will happily carry on the same conversation you were having the last time you met.
—————-
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
VETERAN FRIENDS: Have cried with you.
—————–
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it’s yours.
VETERAN FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
———- ——-
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
VETERAN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
—————–
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that’s what the crowd is doing.
VETERAN FRIENDS: Will stand by you no matter what the crowd does.
——————-
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Are for a while.
VETERAN FRIENDS: Are for life.
——————–
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Have shared a few experiences…
VETERAN FRIENDS: Have shared a lifetime of experiences no citizen could ever dream of…
——————–
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you’ve had enough.
VETERAN FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say, “You better drink the rest of that before you spill it!” Then carry you home safely and put you to bed…
——————
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will ignore this.
VETERAN FRIENDS: Will forward this.
——————
A veteran – whether active duty, retired, served one hitch, or reserve – is someone who, at one point in their life, wrote a blank check made payable to ‘The Government of the United States of America ‘ for an amount of ‘up to and including my life’.

From one Veteran to another, it’s an honor to be in your company.

 

Good Morning Campers!  Happy Valentine’s Day!  Or should it be written like this “Happy Valentine’s Day?”  The Leprechaun and I had gone back and forth on how to handle this most dreadful of holidays.  We were discussing which side of this holiday to come down on.  “Yeah, Valentine’s Day!”  “Happy Valentine’s Day!”  “Let’s do something special and romantic today!”  “Oh, I asked her to marry me on Valentine’s Day!”  “Isn’t that just the sweetest thing!” or the other side of Valentine’s Day…..the Dark side of Valentine’s Day…..
I LOVE the way the Leprechaun puts it, so let’s listen to him….

Wadda you all going on about?? Oh It’s support the Floral, Greeting Card and Candy Industry Day again? Pay 3 times the normal going rate for Half Dead Roses Day? National Rip Guy’s Wallets Off in the Name of Fickle Insecure Materialistic Lovers to Avoid Being in the Doghouse or a One Way Bus Ticket to Dumpsville Day? The day guys dread more than all other gift giving occasions of the year rolled into one?

A TRULY romantic person would think about all the wonderful things to do on Valentine’s Day, all the exciting, giggly, sexy things we true romantics think of and then do them on the other 364 days of the year!  If you are truly in love, EVERY day should be Valentine’s Day.  You shouldn’t need Hallmark to tell you how/or when to be romantic.

Personally Molly and I feel that if we have to go out of our way one day a year to prove our love for each other we are seriously doing something wrong the other 364 days of the year!

One more point….ladies, what are YOU doing today?  Are you making the day special for the man you love?  Or are you hoping that your man is going to do something special for you?  Are you waiting for some unknown “secret” valentine to surprise you, take you away from it all to live happily ever after?  What about you guys?  Are you doing something super romantic for today?  Are you just buying a dozen roses and having them delivered?  Is your SECRETARY ordering flowers for your wife (“don’t go a dollar over fifty bucks!”) While you’re picking out something nice for your girlfriend in the hopes of getting a lunch-time quickie at the hotel?  How many of you guys are secretly hoping for some mystery valentine to appear, throw herself at you because she has loved you secretly for so long, she just can’t stand it anymore and then drag you into a supply closet for that universe-shaking blow job? (NOW I understand your insistence on a Murphy Bed as part the supply closet fixtures! Dude I keep telling you, Fantasy Island does not exist!! it was only a TV show! Besides Brooke Burke, Catharine Bell, Nigella Lawson and Ellie Krieger are all HAPPILY MARRIED.)
I have known people, men and women, who’ve done some pretty wild and crazy things on Valentine’s day.  But you know what?  Most of these same people did wild and crazy things all the rest of the year as well.  They were completely, wholly, madly in love and would do whatever they could to surprise, excite or titillate their partner(s) EVERY day.  They didn’t wait….or expect….or punish…they did.  With no thought of “what’s in it for me?”  They gave and gave and gave…..who cares what the calendar says. (for example Mrs. Dragon gives Impish a ration of shit every day all year long god bless her sassy Irish heart!)
Happy Valentines Day?  Happy February 14th!  Happy EVERY day!  Go do the Valentine’s thing every day of the year.

 (EDITORIAL DISCLAIMER:  The romance advice in blue is the sole opinion of Impish Dragon, who has possibly the ultimate WORST track record with women and romance I have ever  seen outside of celebrities and does not represent any official advice and is not the official corporate line of Dragon Laffs Enterprises. Your mileage may vary widely. Please remember this disclaimer when naming defendants to your Divorce or Pain & Suffering litigation)

 

 

Two Performances – 47 Years Apart – The Diamonds

Watch the top clip, then scroll down to watch the 2nd clip

 

Unfaithful Wife
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man’s head.
The wife shouted,
“Don’t do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money.”
“He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake.”
“He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!”
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, “What would you do?”
The cabby said, “I’d cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold.”

The Best Foods For Better Sex

It’s no secret that the unhealthy American diet is contributing to an epidemic of obesity. But there’s another hidden epidemic that our fatty diets are at the root of: a national sex crisis. Beyond slimming you down, changing what you eat can boost your performance in bed – these six great foods will help combat the crisis.

In 1996, the average American had sex 138 times a year. Compare that to 2007, when people reported having sex just 85 times a year. That’s a staggering 38 percent decrease in a little more than a decade. Furthermore, psychologists estimate that as many as 1 in 5 couples are in a sexless marriage, which means sex less than 10 times a year. In other words, our sex drive is in a deep dive.

These foods also contain ingredients and nutrients that strategically boost sexual attraction and performance, you’ll squeeze even more satisfaction out of each and every sexual encounter.

http://eatthis.menshealth.com/content/best-and-worst-foods-better-sex?cm_mmc=ETNTNL-_-2011_02_14-_-HTML-_-hed

“http” or “https“—-What’s the difference?

VERY IMPORTANT!

“http” & “https” – Do YOU Know The Difference ?
Once in a while, there is something that comes down the pike that is of real importance. What  is the difference between http  and https ? Don’t  know how many of you are aware of this difference, but  it is worth sending to any that do not…..

**The  main difference between http:// and https:// is  it’s all about keeping you secure** HTTP stands  for Hyper Text Transfer Protocol

The  S (big surprise) stands for “Secure”..  If you visit a website or web page, and look at the address in the web browser, it will likely begin with  the following:  http:///. This  means that the website is talking to your  browser using the regular ‘unsecured language.  In other words, it is possible for someone to  “eavesdrop” on your computer’s conversation with  the website. If you fill out a form on the  website, someone might see the information you  send to that site.  This  is why you never ever enter your credit card number in an http website!  But if the web address begins with https://, that basically means your computer is talking to the website in a secure code that no one can eavesdrop on.

You  understand why this is so important, right?

If  a website ever asks you to enter your credit  card information, you should automatically look  to see if the web address begins with https://.

If it doesn’t,  You should NEVER enter  sensitive information….such as a credit card number, SS # etc.

PASS  IT ON  (You may save someone a lot of grief!!!).

Damned Impish Dragon! Trying to steal a Fairies’ candy!

And on Valentine’s Day of all days!

 

Sin tracker? There’s a app for that!

A screen display of a new app for the iPhone and the iPad designed to help Catholics prepare for confession is seen

Wednesday, Feb. 9, 2011 in New York. (AP Photo)

Can your iPad or iPhone bring you closer to God?

A new application for the devices aims to help Roman Catholics who haven’t been to the confessional booth in a while keep track of their sins, one Commandment at a time.

The $1.99 “Confession: A Roman Catholic App” can’t grant forgiveness – you still need to receive the sacrament from a real, live priest like always. The app’s designers and some believers see it as a way to spur Catholics back into the habit of repenting.

“There’s a reason we designed it for these mobile devices: We want you to go to confession,” said Patrick Leinen, one of the developers and a co-founder of the company Little iApps.

Over the last several decades, American Catholics have been receiving the penitential sacrament less frequently, and many of them may not know how it’s done.

“As somebody who’s heard thousands of confessions, there are some people who get so scared coming in that they lose their train of thought and they’re not able to remember everything they planned to say,” said the Rev. Dan Scheidt, pastor of Queen of Peace Catholic Church in Mishawaka, Ind., who advised the developers.

The text-based app takes the user through the Ten Commandments, with a slew of questions attached to each, a process known as an examination of conscience, which penitents undergo before confession.

Questions range from “Have I wished evil upon another person?” to “Have I used any method of contraception or artificial birth control in my marriage?” and users can check a box next to each sin they’ve committed.

Once that’s done, the app lists the user’s sins and displays a written act of contrition, a prayer recited by the penitent. From there, it walks the user through the rest of the steps of confession and even advises when to say “amen.”

http://www.dailynews.com/ci_17345049   

Give Sin the Slip with 40 Days – Lent Observance Tracker

It’s that time of the year again. Lent is around the corner and many Christians will have to soon decide what they want to give up for the 40-day fast. Whether you decide to give up sweets, beer, smoking or procrastinating, help to maintain your commitment can be right at your fingertips with the 40 Days – Lent Observance Tracker app. This app from Samadhi Games is the perfect adversary to the temptations that can easily lead one astray whilst on the path to a sin-free Lent season.

The app offers several choices on ideas for what to give for Lent, like bad language, complaining, caffeine, fast food, lying and even Facebook. You also have the choice to enter in something to give up that may not be on the list, like your tendency to drunk dial old boyfriends. Feeling extra pumped about giving up something for Lent? Then you’ll be happy to know that 40 Days allows you to choose or add several items to your Give Up list for Lent. If you happen to back slide and break your commitment, 40 Days makes sure you atone for your mishap by allowing you to assign dollar amounts to each pledge. That way, if you break your vow, you will literally have to pay for it.

40 Days also allows users to set up a prayer schedule for themselves during Lent. Some of the prayer options include the Rosary, a bible reading, the Our Father Prayer and meditation. You can also add your own prayer. The frequency of each prayer can be scheduled for either Fridays, Sundays or everyday. Penalty fees can also be assigned to prayers in the event that one is missed.

Lastly, 40 Days gives users the option to fast. You can either choose to do a full fast or simply elect to abstain from eating a certain food, like meat. Each fast can be assigned for either Fridays or Sundays during Lent; and you can choose to fast from a certain food daily as well. And of course, you can assign a fail fee for any fast that you don’t make good on.

http://www.theiphoneappreview.com/02/40-days-lent-observance-tracker-iphone-app/

Sin tracker was developed in Indiana? Yo Impish! I think the church is sending you a message about those one line confessions of yours!

Now if Catholics could just Tweet or Text their confession lists in and receive their estimated penance back we’d have Instant Confession and no Catholic would ever have to live in a state of sin! That could do a “Sin Audit” when all good Catholics do their “Easter Duty” and pony up any owed penance for Mortal, forgotten ( and reminded of by Mothers wives and lovers) or sins not listed then just like filing a tax return. Bring back the Inquisition as the churches “Sin Tax Service”! What the heck April 15th already ruins a perfect good month so might as well do all our suffering at one time and get it over!

What we sinners REALLY need though is an app listing all the possible ways of sinning as I personally am more worried about finding out after I died I missed out on some really good ones!

 

Gratuitous Sensuous Love Scene…

(Probably the best actual LOVE depiction scene ever)

 

 

Valentine’s Day Statistics

Valentine’s Day, the season of love, romance, and more love. For many, Valentine’s Day is a mad rush act of booking the perfect restaurant, ordering the perfect arrangement of jaunty roses, and wrapping that perfect, extravagant Valentine gift. While for some, the season of hearts passes by quietly, unceremoniously, just like any other day.
Valentine’s Day has often been criticized as just an excuse for consumerism, an opportunity for businesses. Consequently, cynics everywhere have also unfairly stained the well-meaning tradition of sending Valentine cards. As if it is Hallmark’s fault that people are only sending cards perfunctorily, without thought at all, but just to get over the holiday. Indeed, Valentine’s Day is the second largest card-exchanging holiday next to Christmas, making Hallmark the unmistakable industry leader.

Other Valentine’s Day statistics are:
-85% of all Valentine cards are bought by women.
-73% of flowers are bought by men, and only 27% are by women.
-Chocolate and candy sales reach profits of $1,011 billion during Valentines.

-Approximately one in four Americans do not celebrate the holiday at all. In addition, 15% of American women (and even men) send flowers to themselves on Valentine’s Day.

-There is no shortage of places where you can buy flowers for your valentine: there were 26,400 florists nationwide, employing 123,600 persons, in 1995. 

-2005 Valentine’s Day Consumer Intentions and Actions Survey, found the average consumer will spend $97.27 on Valentine’s Day, down slightly from $99.24 last year.
-BUT 61.8 percent of consumers plan on celebrating the holiday, which is up from 59.8 percent one year ago.
-In all, 2005 Valentine’s Day spending was forecasted to reach $13.19 billion.

These Valentine’s Day statistics and facts illustrate United States trends regarding flowers, cards, candy, and jewelry — the classic Valentine’s Day gifts. There is no definitive origin of Valentine’s Day. It’s possible that it was a Roman fertility festival. Another legend assigns the holiday to commemorate St. Valentine, a Roman clergyman. St. Valentine was executed on February 14, about 270 AD, for marrying couples against the mandate of the emperor.

Regardless of the origin, the holiday is now entrenched in our culture. And if you think you aren’t going to take part, beware: 53% of women in America would dump their boyfriend if they did not get them anything for Valentine’s Day.

And you thought my opening comments were off base and harsh huh? Pony up, do it in an excessive and spectacular fashion or I don’t put out, you sleep on the couch or I just kick your ass to the curb for failing to meet my materialistic expectations. Now THAT is harsh!