Dragon Laffs #1164


Below, in it’s entirety, is the issue that should’ve posted yesterday.  I have no idea why it didn’t but we’ll try again today and see what happens. …. Still not working the way it should.  It appears in the post list, but doesn’t make the front page.  Let’s try an update.

Good Morning Campers!  It’s another great day in the land of Dragon Laffs, where dreams come true and …
and…
You’re not buying any of this, are you?
Okay, how about this…..

GET YOUR ASSES OUT OF BED AND HIT THE DECK YOU LAZY BUNCH OF JACK-WAGONS!!!  TODAY IS A NEW DAY AND YOU WILL LAUGH!  DO YOU HEAR ME!

Was that better?  No?

Okay, let’s go a different way….

The Green Bay Packers Win Super Bowl!
or
Christina Aguilera Decimates the National Anthem at Super Bowl!
The Packers are to be congratulated.  Both teams fought a GREAT fight.  Screw ups and fantastic plays on both sides.  It was a really good game right down to the end.  As for the National Anthem, if you haven’t seen it, check it out here
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hvIv5dh4yys&feature=player_embedded and then I think three things should happen.  Aguilera should apologize for that horrendous version of the country’s anthem, she should give any monies that she made off that gig to a charity that supports our troops and the person who hired her to sing should be summarily fired….or shot.  One or the other.

Now, it’s time to wrap this up and get to the laffing!

Our Lead in Story for today answers a question that I know has been bugging a lot of you campers out there….2

Everyone is buzzing about the contrail that took off vertically off the coast of California recently. Most think it was a rocket or a jet, but military officials say they did not launch any rockets and can find no scheduled jet aircraft flights for that time. Many people commented about what they thought it was.
This is my favorite comment:
“Until I am told otherwise by a skeptical and credible investigative media, I remain convinced this was a test of Nancy Pelosi’s new broom to replace the government jet she will soon lose for her private use.”

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According to some news outlets that carried the story, doctors would be using women’s own belly fat for a one-hour breast-augmentation procedure
that could be available as early as next year. Turns out it was too good to be true. But what if?
The Top Names of One-Hour Boob Job Stores
–  Breast Buy
–  TJ Raxx
–  The Dome Depot
–  Victoria’s C-Cup
–  In-N-Out Bigger
–  Gold’s Gems
–  One-Hour Melonizer
–  Jiffy Boob
and The Number 1 Name of a One-Hour Boob Job Store…
–  Bazonga Republic

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1aWhen my daughter was three, we watched Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs for the first time.
The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and my daughter was spellbound.
Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious. As the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up. “See, Mom. She doesn’t like the skin either.”

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The Resurrection of Jesus Christ
This is beautiful!  The 12’x40′ painting will be displayed in a Dallas museum.  Amazing.

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Since this was sent to me by a woman (I won’t say an older woman because, quite frankly, I don’t know, nor does it matter) so I feel safe in posting this:

IN PRAISE OF OLDER WOMEN

An older woman can wear any hat she chooses and nobody will laugh. A younger woman wearing the same hat will always look like a lampshade in a brothel.
An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night & ask you, “What are you thinking?” An older woman doesn’t care what you think.
An older woman always carries a purse full of emergency supplies. Young women go hungry and bleed to death every time there’s a natural disaster.
An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.
An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of a herbal tea.
The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets… Which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men. (this one ain’t always true – wink, wink )
An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Older women can run faster because they’re always wearing sensible shoes.
An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so there’s no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent lover! (child)
Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you’re acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her.
An older woman puts herself on a pedestal.
An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know…
Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can’t help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.
An older woman will never accuse you of “using her.” She’s using you.
Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call…
Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out.
An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she’s with you, in case you get any ideas…
Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.
Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don’t wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.
Older women know what Kegel exercises are.
An older woman will agree to go to McDonald’s with you for a meal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.
Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.
Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can’t get it up. A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact.
An older woman has lots of girlfriends… And most of them will want to boff you too.
An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.
An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.
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Yes, when you see this sign, you are getting close to my house.

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We all wondered what happened to Becky after the trip to the buffet in the Gulf Port, Hard Rock Casino…

(Hi ya Becky! Hope you are well!)

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Now this is just bloody awesome!!!!!

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One of my all time favorites!!!

“So let me get this straight,” the prosecutor says to the defendant. “You came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man.”

“That’s correct,” says the defendant.

“Upon which,” continues the prosecutor, “you take out a pistol and shot your wife, killing her.”

“That’s correct,” says the defendant.

“Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?” asked the prosecutor.

“It seemed easier,” replied the defendant, “than shooting a different man every day!”

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Groaner Zack
Oh Zack!  This is bloody awful!!!!!!

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes.
“Oh,” said the counselor, “I see what the problem is.  You can’t decide whether to marry for batter or verse.”

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Keep the date open!
June 31, 2011!

Gaelic Envisioning Travel and Sensual EXcursions
(G.E.T. S.EX)
(A wholly owned subsidiary of Dragon Laffs Enterprises and Leprechaun Unlimited)
is planning a canoe trip to the home of one of the earliest Indian settlements.

  • The excursion will consist of a trip to the Cherokee Nation, and a guided tour along the river which runs through it
  • Cost of the river trip is $1,590.89 per person
  • This price includes all foods and beverages, sleeping accommodations (sleeping bag), and guaranteed spot by the nightly campfire.
  • The price does not include personal gratuities paid to the staff, lap dancing fees or pole dancing incentives.

Sight-seeing, wildlife photography and white-water rafting are just some of the highlights of this trip!

What makes the trip especially meaningful is our river guide, who is a full-blooded Cherokee; born and raised in the area, and extremely knowledgeable of the surrounding territory, river and any obstacles that may be encountered on the journey.

If you are interested, please respond as soon as possible since space is extremely limited and the opportunities go fast!  The trip is normally booked several years in advance, but due to a late cancellation of a large party, there are some seats open for this summer.

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This is the area that we will be exploring and following the river in the canoes you can see that it will be an exciting journey!  This part of the country is known for its wildlife, rugged outdoors and beautiful vistas.

Our Guide!3f
Her Cherokee name is Ucan Tuchum. Tribal names were often given for sites that were especially prominent during the child’s birth.  Ucan Tuchum comes from the word “ucan” meaning beautiful or succulent and “tuchum” which comes from the ancient word for mountains or possibly large hillocks.

Don’t forget!  Let me know as soon as possible if you’d like a spot on this wonderfully entertaining and exciting canoeing trip.    Your Best Regards, Chief Beaver Hunter, CEO of G.E.T. S.EX.

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During World War II, Selective Service wasn’t always so selective.  My near-sighted friend went before the draft board to explain just how poor his vision was.  “If I lose my glasses, I won’t be able to see at all,” he told them.
“Don’t you worry,” replied the sergeant in charge.  “When we attack, we’ll stick you in front of the battalion.  You won’t miss a thing.”

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Bitch

Buzz

December

As chaplain in a university residence hall, I am supposed to uphold all of the school rules.  These include a ban on pets.
That changed when a kitten adopted me.  The freshmen in my dorm kept my secret.  They covered for me by calling my kitten “the Book,” since I had so many in my room.
One morning I was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a carrier. A student stopped me and asked, “Where are you taking the Book?”
I explained that I was taking the kitten to the vet. “She’s getting neutered today,” I told him.
“Hmmm,” the student responded, “no sequels.”

980

What a cool perspective!  Read on, dear camper.  Read on!

I never really looked at our hunters from this perspective. A blogger recently added up all the hunters in just a handful of states, and comes to a striking conclusion:

The state of Wisconsin has gone an entire deer hunting season without someone getting killed. That’s great. There were over 600,000 hunters. Allow me to restate that number. Over the last two months, the eighth largest army in the world – more men under arms than Iran; more than France and Germany combined – deployed to the woods of a single American state to help keep the deer population at bay.

But that pales in comparison to the 750,000 who are in the woods of Pennsylvania this week. Michigan’s 700,000 hunters have now returned home. Toss in a quarter million hunters in West Virginia, and it is literally the case that the hunters of those four states alone would comprise the largest army in the world.

His point? America will forever be safe from foreign invasion with that kind of home-grown firepower. Hunting — it’s not just a way to fill the freezer. It’s a matter of national security.
“That’s why all enemies foreign and domestic want to see us disarmed.”
That’s 2,300,000 in just 4 states!

You aint
w (1)

y1

I am a member of the Air Force Emergency Management Association (AFEMA) and this is the exact email that I received recently.  Check out the link, it is WELL worth the time!

A message to all members of The Air Force Emergency Management Association

A little departure from our normal emergency management related news, but well worth sharing.  These guys deserve a salute from all of us…these are different from any of the other pictures you may have seen…these are inside a “Pedro”. 

Heroes with publicity

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In preparation for our Last Word…
3c

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I’m interested in hearing from people on this subject.  I know that people are going to fall on different sides of this issue due to how they feel about guns and the right to carry guns.  But, my question is…do you think that having laws that allow “open carry” will have the affect of deterring crime or increasing it.  I know that there are an awful lot of cops, military, former cops and former military who read this ezine and I would especially like your opinions on this topic, specifically, as a cop, on duty, would it help or hinder you to have “open carry” laws in your jurisdiction?  Let’s go!

In wake of Arizona shooting rampage, Florida gun bill proposes ‘open carry’ 

 

After the shooting that wounded U.S. Rep. Gabrielle Giffords and killed six people in Arizona, some federal and state officials are calling for stricter gun laws, especially control of automatic weapons and super-sized ammunition clips. But in Florida the tide is turning in the other direction, toward greater freedom for gun owners.

Senate Bill 234, filed in Tallahassee in December, would make the “open carry” of firearms legal in Florida for the first time in decades. Under legislation presented by Sen. Greg Evers, R-Crestview, people with concealed weapons permits could wear handguns on their hips in public view.

Evers said people with permits to carry concealed firearms have sometimes been cited by law enforcement agents when a gun inadvertently becomes visible.

“A gust of wind makes a suit coat flap open and the person is in trouble,” Evers said. Or an air conditioner breaks, and a person removes a jacket and exposes a firearm.

He said the purpose of his bill is to end such instances, and he expects most licensed gun carriers will continue to conceal their weapons.

But he also said he is not averse to more people displaying their firearms.

“Do I think that will deter crime?” he asked. “Absolutely.”

Dana Sanchez Quist, South Florida spokeswoman for the Washington-based Brady Center to Prevent Gun Violence, opposes the bill.

“What do they want, to bring back the Wild West?” she asked. “We are supposed to be a civilized country and we are encouraging people who say, ‘Respect me because I have a gun.’ ” Sanchez Quist said she fears that firearms worn in public could easily end up in the hands of the wrong people.

“If you can snatch a necklace off a woman, you can snatch a gun off someone who isn’t expecting it, too,” she said.

She also expressed concern for Florida’s economy, saying the open display of firearms by civilians might drive away tourists.

“We have bad economic problems and this could just make them worse,” she said.

According to opencarry.org, a website that supports greater rights for gun owners, 43 states generally allow open carry, although licenses are sometimes required, specific locales are often off limits – such as elementary and high schools – and municipalities can retain the right to enforce their own prohibitions. Florida is listed as one of seven states that expressly prohibit open carry; the only exceptions are for people going directly to or from target shooting, fishing, hunting and camping expeditions.

But Brian Malte, legislative director for the Brady center, said the issue is being debated in many states and some regulations could change.

“For example, California currently has no law on the books, but there is a bill introduced this year to ban open carry,” he said. “And in Texas, which currently bans open carry, there is a move to allow it.”

Evers’ bill also would make it legal for licensed individuals – who must be 21 or older – to carry firearms on public college and university campuses, a practice that is now outlawed. Activists who favor allowing guns on college campuses point to the 2007 Virginia Tech massacre and say that if someone had been able shoot back at mass killer Seung-Hui Cho, 32 people would not have died.

But Sanchez Quist and other gun control proponents disagree. “This will not add to safety on campuses,” she said.

Meanwhile, on the Florida House side, a bill filed in December by Rep. Matt Gaetz, R-Fort Walton Beach, would levy fines as high as $5 million on public entities, including police departments, that in any way abridge gun rights contained in Florida statutes.

Although state gun-rights laws have been on the books for years, municipalities sometimes violate them because no penalties exist for doing so, Gaetz said.

Gaetz and others point to two cases, in Palm Beach County and the city of South Miami, where local elected officials enacted laws mandating trigger locks on weapons. In 2002, the state courts ruled that those laws violated state statutes and the principle that only the legislature can adopt gun and ammunition laws in Florida.

“The fines are a disincentive for the government to violate the law, to violate the Second Amendment,” Gaetz said.

The bill also would prohibit government entities from using tax money to defend any employee who knowingly abridges gun ownership rights as defined by the legislature.

The Brady center’s Malte said he had not seen such language in any other bill nationwide.

“It’s bizarre,” he said. “You have public officials trying to do their duty and being threatened with this. There seems to be no end to what the NRA will do.”

He was referring to the National Rifle Association, the country’s premier gun rights organization.

Marion Hammer, NRA spokeswoman in Tallahassee and former national leader of the group, defended the bill. She said it is so expensive to sue a local government that citizens can’t afford to defend themselves when their rights are violated.

She also said she believes the bills will pass despite the Arizona killings.

“What happened in Arizona should not affect what happens here,” she said.

Nationally, some politicians are clamoring for more gun control. Cory Booker, mayor of Newark, N.J., has called for closing loopholes that allow sales of weapons at gun shows without mandatory background checks. He also wants an end to “fire sales,” a procedure that he says allows gun shops going out of business to sell their inventories without doing background checks.

In Washington, Rep. Carolyn McCarthy, D-N.Y., is sponsoring a bill to outlaw ammunition clips of more than 10 bullets for sale to civilians, and Sen. Frank Lautenberg, D-N.J., will present it in the Senate. Such clips were illegal under a previous ban on assault weapons, which was allowed to expire in 2004.

Jared Lee Loughner, 22, the suspect in the Arizona killing spree, used a clip holding 33 bullets.

In 1993, McCarthy’s husband was killed and her son seriously wounded when a gunman opened fire at random on a train of the Long Island Rail Road .

Also, many politicians are calling for better data­bases listing people with serious mental problems, who should not be allowed to buy guns.

Loughner is said to fit that description.

“Our authorities need somehow to have more information on people like that,” said U.S. Rep. Alcee Hastings, D- Miramar. “We need to do all we can to prohibit those persons from purchasing guns.”

Staff researcher Niels Heimeriks contributed to this story.

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2 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1164

  1. Jack Daniels says:

    Arizona law permits open carry of firearms by people who can legally purchase them(n0 felony convictions). Also, recently passed legislation permits concealed carry by anyone who can legally purchase a firearm.

  2. Pingback: The location of the hidden issue | Dragon Laffs

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