Leprechaun Laffs #21


DL HEader

Well the deal was Impish was to write the openings and I would do the rest. However “Twinkletoes” our very own “Lord of the Prance” did his “best” Brian Boitano imitation (Just think about a dragon trying to ice skate, much less gracefully to music!) on a patch of ice yesterday afternoon culmination in a “double dignity dip” flat on the ice. Ergo no comments from Dragon for opening…well ok there WERE multiple ones about winter, ice, lack of sanding and his intense dislike of gravity, but none that were fit for publication at least.

Setting Laughter Selector to “ON” Mode!

Drink Coffee do Stupiid faster

Just Ask the Impish One!

CATHOLIC CODE WORDS

This information is for Catholics Only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics The less they know about rituals and code words, the better off they are.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN:  The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE:  Holy Smoke!

JESUITS:  An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original ‘Jaws’ story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON:  The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy)

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO. (The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION:  The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL:  The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS:  People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS:  The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.

Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas :

There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the Offertory, some worshipers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings – some are hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash. And he, of course, is known as ‘The Chip Monk’.

So embarrassed

I Hear the President’s Last Visit to the Troops Didn’t Go So Well

obama visits troops

Thanks to K-Squared for that one.

Houston suffered some fairly serious (for this far south) icing on Friday. When we finally thawed out there had been over 1000 accidents (most of them multi vehicle) and 700 Emergency Services calls all for less than a 1/4 inch of black ice. Just imagine if we had gotten conditions like are show above in Brazil Indiana!

Brazil Ind IcyFence2-1-453x340

According to the NWS we can expect more of the same anytime after noon today but most likely after 3 to 4 PM…just in time for the afternoon commute! Tighten your seatbelts boys and girls and pay attention to your airbag’s self diagnostic test, here we go again!

fasten

A guy walks into the doctor’s office and says,

DDDDDoc, I’ve bbbeen stut-stuttterrrering for Ye-yeears, and
IIII’m tired of it. Ca-ca-caan yoooou hellllp me?”

The doc says, “Well, I’ll have to examine you to see what’s going
on.”

So he examines him, and says, “Well I think I know what the
problem is.”

The guy asks, “We-we-well wwwhat is it, dddoc?

The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your penis, it’s about a foot
long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal
cords.”

The guy asks, “Wwwhaat ca-can we dddo?”

The doctor says, “Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter
one.”

The guy replies, “DDDDDoooo it!”

The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back
into the doctor’s office and says,

“Doc, you solved the problem and I don’t stutter anymore, but
I’ve only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn’t
like it anymore. She liked it better with my long one. I don’t
care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back
on.”

The doctor says, “NNNNope a ddddeal’s aaa dddddeal!!!


Executive

Why Men Wear Earrings

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense”

The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, “So, how long have you been wearing one?”

“Ever since my wife found it in my truck!”

(I always wondered how this trend got started.)

and now we know….

Bill CLintion 2011 Resolution

DL - LastWord 2

The Mount Vernon Statement

We recommit ourselves to the ideas of the American Founding. Through the Constitution, the Founders created an enduring framework of limited government based on rule of law. They sought to secure national independence, provide for economic opportunity, establish true religious liberty and maintain a flourishing society of republican self-government.

A Constitutional conservatism based on first principles provides the framework for a consistent and meaningful policy agenda.

* It applies the principle of limited government based on the rule of law to every proposal.
* It honors the central place of individual liberty in American politics and life.
* It encourages free enterprise, the individual entrepreneur, and economic reforms grounded in market solutions.
* It supports America’s national interest in advancing freedom and opposing tyranny in the world and prudently considers what we can and should do to that end.
* It informs conservatism’s firm defense of family, neighborhood, community, and faith.
* If we are to succeed in the critical political and policy battles ahead, we must be certain of our purpose. We must begin by retaking and resolutely defending the high ground of America’s founding principles.

Sounds like a decent platform for a presidential campaign!

Leprechaun & Dragon 2012!

Sort of has a nice ring to it don’t you think?

DL Closing Credits

About lethalleprechaun

I believe in being the kind of man who, when my feet touch the floor in the morn', causes the Devil to say "BUGGER ME! HIMSELF IS UP!" ======== I'm a White Married Heterosexual who fervently believes in the war(s) we are fighting, the Second Amendment which I plan on defending with my last breath and my last round of ammunition as well as Arizona's stringent law on Immigration and the need for the border wall. I'm a right of center Con-centrist with Tea Party & Republican sympathies who drives an SUV. I am a Life Time Member of the NRA, a Charter Member of the Patriots' Border Alliance and North American Hunters Association. If there is a season for it and I can shoot one I'll eat it and proudly wear its fur. I believe PETA exists solely to be a forum for Gays, Vegetarians, Hollywood snobbery to stupid to get into politics and Soybean Growers. The ACLU stopped protecting our civil liberties sometime after the 1960s and now serves its own bigoted headline grabbing agenda much in the same way as the Southern Poverty Law Center. I am ecstatic that WE the PEOPLE finally got mad enough to rise up and take back the Government from WE the ENTITLED and reverently wish the Liberals would just get over the loss and quit whining/protesting all the time. After all they're just reaping what they've sown. I am Pro-choice both when it comes to the issue of abortion AND school prayer. I believe in a government for the people, by the people which represents and does the people's will. Therefore I an Pro States rights and mandatory term limits but against special interest group campaign contributions and soft money. I think that sports teams who allow their players to sit or take a knee during the National Anthem should be boycotted until the message is received that this is not acceptable behavior for role models for children. I believe Congressional salaries should be voted on bi-annually by the people they represent and not by themselves. I think Congress should be subject to every law they pass on the populace including any regarding Social Security or Healthcare. Speaking of the Healthcare bill (or con job as I see it) I hope Trump will overturn it and set things back to normal. I oppose the building of an Mosque or ANY Islamic center at or within a 10 mile radius of Ground Zero in New York. I will fight those in favor of this until hell freezes over and then I will continue to fight it hand to hand on the ice. Further I think the ban on immigrants from certain nations known to harbor and promote terrorism is a justified measure, at least until we can come up with better methods of vetting and tracking those non citizens we allow in the country. We did not inflict this measure on them those who refuse to point out, denounce or fight radical religious terrorism brought this upon themselves.
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One Response to Leprechaun Laffs #21

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