Leprechaun Laffs #23


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Good Morning Campers!  Happy Valentine’s Day!  Or should it be written like this “Happy Valentine’s Day?”  The Leprechaun and I had gone back and forth on how to handle this most dreadful of holidays.  We were discussing which side of this holiday to come down on.  “Yeah, Valentine’s Day!”  “Happy Valentine’s Day!”  “Let’s do something special and romantic today!”  “Oh, I asked her to marry me on Valentine’s Day!”  “Isn’t that just the sweetest thing!” or the other side of Valentine’s Day…..the Dark side of Valentine’s Day…..
I LOVE the way the Leprechaun puts it, so let’s listen to him….

Wadda you all going on about?? Oh It’s support the Floral, Greeting Card and Candy Industry Day again? Pay 3 times the normal going rate for Half Dead Roses Day? National Rip Guy’s Wallets Off in the Name of Fickle Insecure Materialistic Lovers to Avoid Being in the Doghouse or a One Way Bus Ticket to Dumpsville Day? The day guys dread more than all other gift giving occasions of the year rolled into one?

A TRULY romantic person would think about all the wonderful things to do on Valentine’s Day, all the exciting, giggly, sexy things we true romantics think of and then do them on the other 364 days of the year!  If you are truly in love, EVERY day should be Valentine’s Day.  You shouldn’t need Hallmark to tell you how/or when to be romantic.

Personally Molly and I feel that if we have to go out of our way one day a year to prove our love for each other we are seriously doing something wrong the other 364 days of the year!

One more point….ladies, what are YOU doing today?  Are you making the day special for the man you love?  Or are you hoping that your man is going to do something special for you?  Are you waiting for some unknown “secret” valentine to surprise you, take you away from it all to live happily ever after?  What about you guys?  Are you doing something super romantic for today?  Are you just buying a dozen roses and having them delivered?  Is your SECRETARY ordering flowers for your wife (“don’t go a dollar over fifty bucks!”) While you’re picking out something nice for your girlfriend in the hopes of getting a lunch-time quickie at the hotel?  How many of you guys are secretly hoping for some mystery valentine to appear, throw herself at you because she has loved you secretly for so long, she just can’t stand it anymore and then drag you into a supply closet for that universe-shaking blow job? (NOW I understand your insistence on a Murphy Bed as part the supply closet fixtures! Dude I keep telling you, Fantasy Island does not exist!! it was only a TV show! Besides Brooke Burke, Catharine Bell, Nigella Lawson and Ellie Krieger are all HAPPILY MARRIED.)
I have known people, men and women, who’ve done some pretty wild and crazy things on Valentine’s day.  But you know what?  Most of these same people did wild and crazy things all the rest of the year as well.  They were completely, wholly, madly in love and would do whatever they could to surprise, excite or titillate their partner(s) EVERY day.  They didn’t wait….or expect….or punish…they did.  With no thought of “what’s in it for me?”  They gave and gave and gave…..who cares what the calendar says. (for example Mrs. Dragon gives Impish a ration of shit every day all year long god bless her sassy Irish heart!)
Happy Valentines Day?  Happy February 14th!  Happy EVERY day!  Go do the Valentine’s thing every day of the year.

 (EDITORIAL DISCLAIMER:  The romance advice in blue is the sole opinion of Impish Dragon, who has possibly the ultimate WORST track record with women and romance I have ever  seen outside of celebrities and does not represent any official advice and is not the official corporate line of Dragon Laffs Enterprises. Your mileage may vary widely. Please remember this disclaimer when naming defendants to your Divorce or Pain & Suffering litigation)

 

Valentines Day

 

Two Performances – 47 Years Apart – The Diamonds

Watch the top clip, then scroll down to watch the 2nd clip

That Was Then

 

This Is Now

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Unfaithful Wife
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man’s head.
The wife shouted,
“Don’t do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money.”
“He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake.”
“He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!”
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, “What would you do?”
The cabby said, “I’d cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold.”

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The Best Foods For Better Sex

It’s no secret that the unhealthy American diet is contributing to an epidemic of obesity. But there’s another hidden epidemic that our fatty diets are at the root of: a national sex crisis. Beyond slimming you down, changing what you eat can boost your performance in bed – these six great foods will help combat the crisis.

In 1996, the average American had sex 138 times a year. Compare that to 2007, when people reported having sex just 85 times a year. That’s a staggering 38 percent decrease in a little more than a decade. Furthermore, psychologists estimate that as many as 1 in 5 couples are in a sexless marriage, which means sex less than 10 times a year. In other words, our sex drive is in a deep dive.

These foods also contain ingredients and nutrients that strategically boost sexual attraction and performance, you’ll squeeze even more satisfaction out of each and every sexual encounter.

http://eatthis.menshealth.com/content/best-and-worst-foods-better-sex?cm_mmc=ETNTNL-_-2011_02_14-_-HTML-_-hed

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“http” or “https“—-What’s the difference?

VERY IMPORTANT!

“http” & “https” – Do YOU Know The Difference ?
Once in a while, there is something that comes down the pike that is of real importance. What  is the difference between http  and https ? Don’t  know how many of you are aware of this difference, but  it is worth sending to any that do not…..

**The  main difference between http:// and https:// is  it’s all about keeping you secure** HTTP stands  for Hyper Text Transfer Protocol

The  S (big surprise) stands for “Secure”..  If you visit a website or web page, and look at the address in the web browser, it will likely begin with  the following:  http:///. This  means that the website is talking to your  browser using the regular ‘unsecured language.  In other words, it is possible for someone to  “eavesdrop” on your computer’s conversation with  the website. If you fill out a form on the  website, someone might see the information you  send to that site.  This  is why you never ever enter your credit card number in an http website!  But if the web address begins with https://, that basically means your computer is talking to the website in a secure code that no one can eavesdrop on.

You  understand why this is so important, right?

If  a website ever asks you to enter your credit  card information, you should automatically look  to see if the web address begins with https://.

If it doesn’t,  You should NEVER enter  sensitive information….such as a credit card number, SS # etc.

PASS  IT ON  (You may save someone a lot of grief!!!).

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Damned Impish Dragon! Trying to steal a Fairies’ candy!

And on Valentine’s Day of all days!

 

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Sin tracker? There’s a app for that!

Confessions on the iPad

A screen display of a new app for the iPhone and the iPad designed to help Catholics prepare for confession is seen

Wednesday, Feb. 9, 2011 in New York. (AP Photo)

Can your iPad or iPhone bring you closer to God?

A new application for the devices aims to help Roman Catholics who haven’t been to the confessional booth in a while keep track of their sins, one Commandment at a time.

The $1.99 “Confession: A Roman Catholic App” can’t grant forgiveness – you still need to receive the sacrament from a real, live priest like always. The app’s designers and some believers see it as a way to spur Catholics back into the habit of repenting.

“There’s a reason we designed it for these mobile devices: We want you to go to confession,” said Patrick Leinen, one of the developers and a co-founder of the company Little iApps.

Over the last several decades, American Catholics have been receiving the penitential sacrament less frequently, and many of them may not know how it’s done.

“As somebody who’s heard thousands of confessions, there are some people who get so scared coming in that they lose their train of thought and they’re not able to remember everything they planned to say,” said the Rev. Dan Scheidt, pastor of Queen of Peace Catholic Church in Mishawaka, Ind., who advised the developers.

The text-based app takes the user through the Ten Commandments, with a slew of questions attached to each, a process known as an examination of conscience, which penitents undergo before confession.

Questions range from “Have I wished evil upon another person?” to “Have I used any method of contraception or artificial birth control in my marriage?” and users can check a box next to each sin they’ve committed.

Once that’s done, the app lists the user’s sins and displays a written act of contrition, a prayer recited by the penitent. From there, it walks the user through the rest of the steps of confession and even advises when to say “amen.”

http://www.dailynews.com/ci_17345049   

Give Sin the Slip with 40 Days – Lent Observance Tracker

It’s that time of the year again. Lent is around the corner and many Christians will have to soon decide what they want to give up for the 40-day fast. Whether you decide to give up sweets, beer, smoking or procrastinating, help to maintain your commitment can be right at your fingertips with the 40 Days – Lent Observance Tracker app. This app from Samadhi Games is the perfect adversary to the temptations that can easily lead one astray whilst on the path to a sin-free Lent season.

The app offers several choices on ideas for what to give for Lent, like bad language, complaining, caffeine, fast food, lying and even Facebook. You also have the choice to enter in something to give up that may not be on the list, like your tendency to drunk dial old boyfriends. Feeling extra pumped about giving up something for Lent? Then you’ll be happy to know that 40 Days allows you to choose or add several items to your Give Up list for Lent. If you happen to back slide and break your commitment, 40 Days makes sure you atone for your mishap by allowing you to assign dollar amounts to each pledge. That way, if you break your vow, you will literally have to pay for it.

40 Days also allows users to set up a prayer schedule for themselves during Lent. Some of the prayer options include the Rosary, a bible reading, the Our Father Prayer and meditation. You can also add your own prayer. The frequency of each prayer can be scheduled for either Fridays, Sundays or everyday. Penalty fees can also be assigned to prayers in the event that one is missed.

Lastly, 40 Days gives users the option to fast. You can either choose to do a full fast or simply elect to abstain from eating a certain food, like meat. Each fast can be assigned for either Fridays or Sundays during Lent; and you can choose to fast from a certain food daily as well. And of course, you can assign a fail fee for any fast that you don’t make good on.

http://www.theiphoneappreview.com/02/40-days-lent-observance-tracker-iphone-app/

Sin tracker was developed in Indiana? Yo Impish! I think the church is sending you a message about those one line confessions of yours!

Now if Catholics could just Tweet or Text their confession lists in and receive their estimated penance back we’d have Instant Confession and no Catholic would ever have to live in a state of sin! That could do a “Sin Audit” when all good Catholics do their “Easter Duty” and pony up any owed penance for Mortal, forgotten ( and reminded of by Mothers wives and lovers) or sins not listed then just like filing a tax return. Bring back the Inquisition as the churches “Sin Tax Service”! What the heck April 15th already ruins a perfect good month so might as well do all our suffering at one time and get it over!

What we sinners REALLY need though is an app listing all the possible ways of sinning as I personally am more worried about finding out after I died I missed out on some really good ones!

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Gratuitous Sensuous Love Scene…

(Probably the best actual LOVE depiction scene ever)

 

 

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Valentine’s Day Statistics

Valentine’s Day, the season of love, romance, and more love. For many, Valentine’s Day is a mad rush act of booking the perfect restaurant, ordering the perfect arrangement of jaunty roses, and wrapping that perfect, extravagant Valentine gift. While for some, the season of hearts passes by quietly, unceremoniously, just like any other day.
Valentine’s Day has often been criticized as just an excuse for consumerism, an opportunity for businesses. Consequently, cynics everywhere have also unfairly stained the well-meaning tradition of sending Valentine cards. As if it is Hallmark’s fault that people are only sending cards perfunctorily, without thought at all, but just to get over the holiday. Indeed, Valentine’s Day is the second largest card-exchanging holiday next to Christmas, making Hallmark the unmistakable industry leader.

Other Valentine’s Day statistics are:
-85% of all Valentine cards are bought by women.
-73% of flowers are bought by men, and only 27% are by women.
-Chocolate and candy sales reach profits of $1,011 billion during Valentines.

-Approximately one in four Americans do not celebrate the holiday at all. In addition, 15% of American women (and even men) send flowers to themselves on Valentine’s Day.

-There is no shortage of places where you can buy flowers for your valentine: there were 26,400 florists nationwide, employing 123,600 persons, in 1995. 

-2005 Valentine’s Day Consumer Intentions and Actions Survey, found the average consumer will spend $97.27 on Valentine’s Day, down slightly from $99.24 last year.
-BUT 61.8 percent of consumers plan on celebrating the holiday, which is up from 59.8 percent one year ago.
-In all, 2005 Valentine’s Day spending was forecasted to reach $13.19 billion.

These Valentine’s Day statistics and facts illustrate United States trends regarding flowers, cards, candy, and jewelry — the classic Valentine’s Day gifts. There is no definitive origin of Valentine’s Day. It’s possible that it was a Roman fertility festival. Another legend assigns the holiday to commemorate St. Valentine, a Roman clergyman. St. Valentine was executed on February 14, about 270 AD, for marrying couples against the mandate of the emperor.

Regardless of the origin, the holiday is now entrenched in our culture. And if you think you aren’t going to take part, beware: 53% of women in America would dump their boyfriend if they did not get them anything for Valentine’s Day.

And you thought my opening comments were off base and harsh huh? Pony up, do it in an excessive and spectacular fashion or I don’t put out, you sleep on the couch or I just kick your ass to the curb for failing to meet my materialistic expectations. Now THAT is harsh!

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DL Closing Credits

About lethalleprechaun

I believe in being the kind of man who, when my feet touch the floor in the morn', causes the Devil to say "BUGGER ME! HIMSELF IS UP!" ======== I'm a White Married Heterosexual who fervently believes in the war(s) we are fighting, the Second Amendment which I plan on defending with my last breath and my last round of ammunition as well as Arizona's stringent law on Immigration and the need for the border wall. I'm a right of center Con-centrist with Tea Party & Republican sympathies who drives an SUV. I am a Life Time Member of the NRA, a Charter Member of the Patriots' Border Alliance and North American Hunters Association. If there is a season for it and I can shoot one I'll eat it and proudly wear its fur. I believe PETA exists solely to be a forum for Gays, Vegetarians, Hollywood snobbery to stupid to get into politics and Soybean Growers. The ACLU stopped protecting our civil liberties sometime after the 1960s and now serves its own bigoted headline grabbing agenda much in the same way as the Southern Poverty Law Center. I am ecstatic that WE the PEOPLE finally got mad enough to rise up and take back the Government from WE the ENTITLED and reverently wish the Liberals would just get over the loss and quit whining/protesting all the time. After all they're just reaping what they've sown. I am Pro-choice both when it comes to the issue of abortion AND school prayer. I believe in a government for the people, by the people which represents and does the people's will. Therefore I an Pro States rights and mandatory term limits but against special interest group campaign contributions and soft money. I think that sports teams who allow their players to sit or take a knee during the National Anthem should be boycotted until the message is received that this is not acceptable behavior for role models for children. I believe Congressional salaries should be voted on bi-annually by the people they represent and not by themselves. I think Congress should be subject to every law they pass on the populace including any regarding Social Security or Healthcare. Speaking of the Healthcare bill (or con job as I see it) I hope Trump will overturn it and set things back to normal. I oppose the building of an Mosque or ANY Islamic center at or within a 10 mile radius of Ground Zero in New York. I will fight those in favor of this until hell freezes over and then I will continue to fight it hand to hand on the ice. Further I think the ban on immigrants from certain nations known to harbor and promote terrorism is a justified measure, at least until we can come up with better methods of vetting and tracking those non citizens we allow in the country. We did not inflict this measure on them those who refuse to point out, denounce or fight radical religious terrorism brought this upon themselves.
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