Leprechaun Laffs # 24


DL - Leprechaun Laffs

Sup my minions!

The dragon finally got around to making me my Leprechaun Laffs banner. Got a couple other new graphics that will be making their first appearances over the next few days as well as we try out some new features too.

I’d like to take this opportunity to wish Mrs Impish dragon a belated Happy Birthday! 300 years is quite the milestone! I remember my 300th birthday celebration quite fondly…what little of it I as sober for that is.

And now without further ado I give you our own far from famous and decidedly less cute answer to the Geico Gecko…IMPISH DRAGON !

Good Morning Campers,
Wednesday morning.  Hump day, on the way to a three-day weekend!  I can hardly wait! I hope everyone is doing well.
I want to thank everyone who has contributed to this year’s fund raiser so far.  As yet, it’s been kind of a slow start, but I expect you campers, being the great guys that you are, will throw in some loose change or whatever you can spare into the jar.  For those of you who wish to contribute, it’s easy through paypal.  Just click on the link:
https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=P894L2VX896HN and you don’t even have to have a paypal account.  Credit card, debit card, or just plain bank account will work and for those of you who don’t want to use paypal but still wish to contribute, please email me at and you don’t even have to have a paypal account.  Credit card, debit card, or just plain bank account will work and for those of you who don’t want to use paypal but still wish to contribute, please email me at impishdragon@yahoo.com and I can give you an address for a check or money order.
Please understand that there is no requirement to donate, we’re going to be here anyway, but it helps with the expenses and keeps us from having to advertise on the blog.  I hope this year to be able to pay for the more expensive wordpress account where we don’t even have any of THEIR advertising on the site, but for right now, that’s a bit out of our reach.  Anyway, that’s it for the plea for today.  It’s past time to get to the laughs, so let’s do this!
Cheers my friends,
Impish

 

Want A Refill

Dat better be da leaded stuff too!

Three golfers, Bob, Max, and Ted, are looking for a fourth. Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday.

“Sure, I’d love to play,” says George, “but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me.”

Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00, and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed, and beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he’d like to play again the following Saturday.

“Yeah, sounds great,” says George. “But, I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me.”

The following Saturday, all four golfers again show up on time, but this time George plays left-handed, and beats them all. As they’re getting ready to leave, George says, “See you next Saturday. But, I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me.”

Every week from then on, George is right on time and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same message.

After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he says, “Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about ten minutes late, but you’re right on time and then you beat us either left-handed or right-handed. What’s the story?”

“Well,” George says, “I’m kind of superstitious. When I get up in the morning, I look at my wife. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed, and if she’s on her right side, I play right-handed.”

“So what do you do if she’s sleeping on her back?” Bob asks.

“Then I’m about ten minutes late.”

freeair

Wonder what I can get for one of those on Pawn Stars!

DL Introspection Header

Since I’m pretty sure that my exposé on Catholic iPhone & iPad Sin Apps has gotten me a First Class Seat on the Hell Express direct flight, I figured in for a penny in for a pound so here’s a few more Catholic jokes.

Why Go to Church?
    One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was
time to get ready for church, to which he replied, “I’m not going.”
    “Why not?” she asked.
    I’ll give you two good reasons,” he said. “(1), they don’t like me, and
(2), I don’t like them.”
    His mother replied, “I’ll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to
church:
    (1) You’re 49 years old, and (2) you’re the pastor!”

      The Picnic
    A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town’s annual 4th of
July picnic.  Old friends, they began their usual banter.
    “This baked ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi. “You
really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t
understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know
what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s
prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down
and try it?”
    The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding.”

    The Usher
    An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly
usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
    “Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.
    “The front row, please,” she answered.
    “You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said. “The pastor is
really boring.”
    “Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.
    “No,” he said.
    “I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.
    “Do you know who I am?” he asked.
    “No,” she said.
    “Good,” he answered.

    Show and Tell
    A kindergarten teacher gave her class a “show and tell” assignment.
Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.
    The first student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David.”
    The second student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Mary. I’m a Catholic and this is a Rosary.”
    The third student got in up front of the class and said, “My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole.”

The fourth student got in up front of the class and said, “My name is Impish. I’m a Cranky Dragon and this is Coffee”

The fifth student got in up front of the class and said, “My name is Lethal, I’m a Leprechaun. This WAS your lunch money its mine now!”

    The Best Way to Pray
    A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby
    “Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.
    “No,” said the minister. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”
    “You’re both wrong,” the guru said. “The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.”
    The repairman could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted. “The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”

    The Twenty and the One
    A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.
    As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
    The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
    “I’ve had a pretty good life,” the twenty proclaimed.. “Why I’ve been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean   …”
    “Wow!” said the one-dollar bill. “You’ve really had an exciting life!”
    “So, tell me,” says the twenty, “where have you been throughout your lifetime?”
    The one dollar bill replies, “Oh, I’ve been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church   …”
    The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, “What’s a church?”

   Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner.  While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
    “Goat,” the little boy replied.
    “Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?”
    “Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Dad say to Mom, ‘Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.’ “

    Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

Thanks to Mike for these who doesn’t know it yet but has the seat next to mine on the Hell Express!

laziness2

Or so claims K-squared who sent us this.

Stay

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center, and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Yellow Lab Puppy had enough fresh air.

She was stretched-out on the back seat and I needed to impress upon her that she must remain in the car.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Stay . You stay.

Do you hear me?” “Stay !!! Stay !!!”  I said over and over again.

Suddenly, the driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young woman, gave me a strange look and shouted, “Why don’t you just put it in “Park”?”

========

HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS BITCH
Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement, not even her parent’s nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ”Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ”Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.”
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ”Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.”

Her mother just smiled and replied, ”Of course I do, dear. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.”

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!

Women are Angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly … on a broomstick. We are flexible.

PMS SWAT_Team

DL - LastWord 2

CULTURE WAR IN SOUTH DAKOTA TAKES A RADICAL TURN…. A month into the new legislative session in South Dakota, Republican efforts have gone from odd to frightening with disconcerting speed.

Two weeks ago, one Republican lawmaker in the state had a very silly proposal to force residents to purchase firearms. Last week, GOP officials in the legislature launched a plan to make surrogacy arrangements for couples who can’t have children a felony. (thanks to J.S. for the tip)

But Kate Sheppard reports today on just how far Republican culture warriors in South Dakota’s legislature are willing to go.

South Dakota Moves To Legalize Killing Abortion Providers

A law under consideration in South Dakota would expand the definition of “justifiable homicide” to include killings that are intended to prevent harm to a fetus — a move that could make it legal to kill doctors who perform abortions. The Republican-backed legislation, House Bill 1171, has passed out of committee on a nine-to-three party-line vote, and is expected to face a floor vote in the state’s GOP-dominated House of Representatives soon.

The bill, sponsored by state Rep. Phil Jensen, a committed foe of abortion rights, alters the state’s legal definition of justifiable homicide by adding language stating that a homicide is permissible if committed by a person “while resisting an attempt to harm” that person’s unborn child or the unborn child of that person’s spouse, partner, parent, or child. If the bill passes, it could in theory allow a woman’s father, mother, son, daughter, or husband to kill anyone who tried to provide that woman an abortion — even if she wanted one.

For all the ridiculous paranoia on the right about creeping “sharia law,” here we see a Republican plan at the state level to make it legal to assassinate medical professionals as part of a larger culture war.

Not sick enough to your stomach yet? No? Well you should be! Read more about the departure from sanity here:

http://motherjones.com/politics/2011/02/south-dakota-hb-1171-legalize-killing-abortion-providers

or here:

http://qwstnevrythg.com/2011/02/s-dak-legalize-killing/

Anyone else reading this think this is total bullshit? (well it IS but just not the urban legend hoax kind) see here in all its legal “glory”:

http://legis.state.sd.us/sessions/2011/Bill.aspx?File=HB1171HJU.htm

https://legis.state.sd.us/sessions/2011/Bills/HB1171HJU.pdf

Leprechaun here. Best get comfy, I have not ranted about anything in a goodly while and I’m fixin’ ta pitch me a real hissy fit over this as they say here in Texas.

I thought long and hard about using this for a ‘The Last Word’.  NOT because its not comment worthy but because it evokes such  strong passionate sentiment and debate in so many people on both sides of the issue. See my point in posting this is NOT about being Pro or Con for the bill. Rather I did it for several reasons that have nothing to actually do with the issue of abortion at all, namely;

1.) because the bill is a poorly written travesty of law. Why? No seriously, you have to ask why it is a travesty of law? The answer to that is not blatantly and painfully obvious?! Because first of all as it stands it can be theoretically used by any John Q Public to circumvent any abortion clinic worker’s or doctor’s Constitutional right to Due Process under the Law! How about that for starters? You need more? Ok what if some wing-nut in a zealous fervor decides that shooting each worker in the clinic is too time consuming and that he’s likely to be stopped before he kills all those threatening the fetuses so he uses a bomb? What if the abortion is taking place in a hospital setting? Bullets and hospitals should be mutually exclusive things unless the hospital is removing a bullet from a shooting that occurred elsewhere!

2.) to prove what we here at DragonLaffs have stated numerous times when we get accused of coming down too hard and often on Liberals or Democrats, which is we call bullshit on BOTH political parties when and as we see/encounter it at ANY level of government, local, state, or federal.

Well I’ve seen it, stepped in it and I’m calling it BULLSHIT!

3.) to prove to everyone that “loonies” do not solely populate the liberal fringe but can be found in equally frightening numbers (and with equally frightening ideas/agendas) on the conservative side of the aisle as well.

4.) To clearly demonstrate why it is important that we here at DragonLaffs and other like minded sites and blogs do what it is we do, drag these disgusting things out of the shadows and in to the light where (a bet while ridiculing them) we can call attention to them because too many of you think your responsibilities with and for our government stop after election day. Were SOMEONE not watching and crying “FOUL!” on odious pieces of legislation like this there is no telling how much worse off the country would be than it already is!

REMEMBER ours is a government FOR the PEOPLE, BY the People and OF the People, ALL OF THE PEOPLE!  Those we elect are there to represent us and OUR WILL.  Again, that’s ALL OUR WILLS, not just those who’s wills coincide with their own values and beliefs or that of special interest groups with deep pockets who can help them get re-elected and make a career out of something that was never intended to be.

The laws made should be for the BETTERMENT OF ALL SOCIETY AND ITS MEMBERS.  If ANY PARTY cannot represent us and our will, following our instructions by heeding our opinion in a fair honest and responsible manner and/or author or support such shoddy and poorly conceived legislation then it is up to us to raise a cry and hue SO profound that they be removed from their office regardless be they be Republican, Democrat, Green Party,  Tea Party or Independent!

ONLY once we start doing this on a regular basis will the message be clearly received by all levels of government and only then will government stop representing its own best interests and go back to representing us and ours!

Thus endth this rant.

About lethalleprechaun

I believe in being the kind of man who, when my feet touch the floor in the morn', causes the Devil to say "BUGGER ME! HIMSELF IS UP!" ======== I'm a White Married Heterosexual who fervently believes in the war(s) we are fighting, the Second Amendment which I plan on defending with my last breath and my last round of ammunition as well as Arizona's stringent law on Immigration and the need for the border wall. I'm a right of center Con-centrist with Tea Party & Republican sympathies who drives an SUV. I am a Life Time Member of the NRA, a Charter Member of the Patriots' Border Alliance and North American Hunters Association. If there is a season for it and I can shoot one I'll eat it and proudly wear its fur. I believe PETA exists solely to be a forum for Gays, Vegetarians, Hollywood snobbery to stupid to get into politics and Soybean Growers. The ACLU stopped protecting our civil liberties sometime after the 1960s and now serves its own bigoted headline grabbing agenda much in the same way as the Southern Poverty Law Center. I am ecstatic that WE the PEOPLE finally got mad enough to rise up and take back the Government from WE the ENTITLED and reverently wish the Liberals would just get over the loss and quit whining/protesting all the time. After all they're just reaping what they've sown. I am Pro-choice both when it comes to the issue of abortion AND school prayer. I believe in a government for the people, by the people which represents and does the people's will. Therefore I an Pro States rights and mandatory term limits but against special interest group campaign contributions and soft money. I think that sports teams who allow their players to sit or take a knee during the National Anthem should be boycotted until the message is received that this is not acceptable behavior for role models for children. I believe Congressional salaries should be voted on bi-annually by the people they represent and not by themselves. I think Congress should be subject to every law they pass on the populace including any regarding Social Security or Healthcare. Speaking of the Healthcare bill (or con job as I see it) I hope Trump will overturn it and set things back to normal. I oppose the building of an Mosque or ANY Islamic center at or within a 10 mile radius of Ground Zero in New York. I will fight those in favor of this until hell freezes over and then I will continue to fight it hand to hand on the ice. Further I think the ban on immigrants from certain nations known to harbor and promote terrorism is a justified measure, at least until we can come up with better methods of vetting and tracking those non citizens we allow in the country. We did not inflict this measure on them those who refuse to point out, denounce or fight radical religious terrorism brought this upon themselves.
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