Well if that doesn’t put some giddy up in your Hump Day step the hump in your day is probably a mound of dirt over your grave!

Lets Laugh!

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son’s family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year- old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time — just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn’t feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed.  Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said she would take their granddaughter for the drive. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was ill and still in bed.

“Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?” he asked. “Oh, yes, Paw Paw, it was really wonderful. You should go where Grandma drove today. We didn’t see a single asshole, blind bastard, dipshit or son of a bitch anywhere we went!”

 

Bear Attack in Churchill , Manitoba , Canada

 

These are pictures of an actual polar bear attacking a man.

The pictures were taken while people watched and
could do nothing to stop the attack!
Reports from the local newspaper say that
the victim will make a full recovery.
Prepare yourself, The photos are below.

 

 

May your troubles always be smaller than your imagination!

 

Jewish Apple Cake

This yummy apple cake is baked in a tube pan.

Prep Time: 20 minutes
Cook Time: 1 hour, 45 minutes
Total Time: 1 hour, 65 minutes

Ingredients:

    6 Granny Smith Apples, peeled & thinly sliced
    2 Heaping Teaspoons cinnamon
    5-6 Tablespoons granulated sugar or to taste
    3 Cups all purpose flour
    2 1/4 Cups sugar, half granulated, half dark brown
    3 Teaspoons baking powder
    1/2 Teaspoons salt
    4 Eggs
    1 Cup vegetable oil
    2 1/2 Teaspoons vanilla extract
    1/3 Cup freshly squeezed orange juice

Preparation:
Oil and flour a tube pan – not a fluted one – or angel food cake pan. Set aside. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

In a medium bowl, mix the apples, cinnamon, and sugar.

In a large bowl, mix the rest of the ingredients together and beat with a wooden spoon until the mixture is smooth.

Scoop half the batter into the prepared pan can cover with half the apple mixture. Scoop a second layer of batter over the apples and top with remaining apple mixture.

Bake for about 1 3/4 hours. The crust should be crunchy. Cool in the pan for 15 minutes and remove to wire rack to finish cooling.

Serves 12.

Great lightly toasted the next day in a toaster oven w/ a little butter for breakfast. No toaster oven? No problem! lightly butter it and grill it until both sides are nicely toasted in a griddle pan!

Not Only Blonde but probably an AOL user too!

COURAGE?

What is the  meaning of courage? Is it to fight a bull in a bullfight without any weapon?

 

Is it to fly a fighter plane in combat?

Is it to practice free fall parachuting?

Is it bungee jumping, white water rafting?

Bullshit… those are nothing!

 

THIS my friend is COURAGE!!!

 

Last picture I have of my dog “Lucky!”

Longest Nerve in the Body?

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that  connects the eyeball to the anus? 

It’s called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.

If you don’t believe it, try pulling a hair from your ass and see if it doesn’t bring a tear to your eye!

The Top 5 Texts Sent From a Damaged Plane

A 4-foot hole tore open in the fuselage of a Southwest Airline plane, bringing a view of the blue sky into the cabin. During an emergency descent, many passengers chose to quickly send a few text messages before the plane eventually landed safely.

5> 30 secs 2 liv & im txting my shrink? im such a loser!

4> so much 4 clean undies

3> i’m afraid we’re not going to naked… make it! stupid autocorrect

2> we’re going down faster than your sister when she’s drunk

and The Number 1 Text Sent From a Damaged Plane…

1> screw em, i’m smoking

[ Copyright 2011 by Chris White/TopFive.com ]

I hear our buddy Karl a.k.a K-Squared’s wife favors this method. That’s why he does the majority of the housekeeping!

 

Well it’s finally happened, the thing we here at Dragon Laffs have been holding our breath over has come to pass. On April 2nd we here in DL Corporate suddenly heard the blaring of klaxons and all our computer monitors and lap top screens immediately began flashing a “DefCon ‘O’ Alert Status” message.

Obama had announced his bid for re-election using the ominously Socialist sounding tag line, “It begins with us.”

 

Being the helpful sort we would like to suggest an alternate slogan:

Obama 2012: FOUR MORE YEARS Because We Haven’t Totally Screwed Everything Up Yet! Relax we’re not supporting his bid for re-election. On the contrary my purpose is to launch our grass roots grumble over this liberal lunacy. If Obama’s slogan is going to really be “It begins with us” Then I say our counter rally cry should be “It stops with you”.

 

 

 

 

Good Morning Campers! 

Today is Tuesday, from the English word two meaning…um…two. Right or the second crappiest day of the week.  (Monday maintaining it’s first place distinction with a record unbroken in several hundred years.)  There is some argument that the English translation is actually the way to go, since the Viking’s came to America first, many years before that Columbus dude and they held out that Tuesday was a special day for drinking special ale.  It’s true.  Where do you think the Tuborg Gold company got it’s name from?  Tu = Tuesday and borg = beer.  And when looked at another way, it means that Captain Picard and crew were being harassed by being that was not only a mixture of man and machine, but were alcoholics as well!

Okay, so I’ve now done my level best (which, granted, isn’t the greatest, but it is only Tuesday, after all) to completely screw with your mind this morning and since we’re all a bunch of screwballs anyway, it would seem that my job is done here!  So, let’s all take our marshmallows and our morning coffee and get to laughing!

Let’s Laugh!

 

Answers we have been looking for…. as guys, of course!

What are the small bumps around a woman’s breast for?
It’s braille for “suck here”.

What is an “Australian Kiss”?
It’s the same as a “French Kiss”, but “down-under”!

Why do girls rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
Because they don’t have any balls to scratch.

What is a man’s ultimate embarrassment?
Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

Lewis & Clark air rifle

Interesting engineering in the 18th century. 

O.K. how many of you very knowledgeable folks out there even knew that a rifle like this even existed, especially back then? Seriously, I would like to know, because I sure didn’t. A must watch.

This is an interesting bit of information. Would like to get one now, but I believe it would cost too much.

The phrase “Peace through Strength” is shown here!!

http://www.network54.com/Forum/451309/thread/1296928404/This+is+just+to+cool+not+to+spread+around

Nominated as the world’s best short joke….
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
”Mom”, he asked, “are these my brains?”
”Not yet,” she replied

This one speaks for itself. It’s amazing that it’s an advertisement for a bank.

Blue Angel fans?  Aren’t we all?
http://www.neptunuslex.com/2010/12/10/good-day-at-the-patch/

Look deeply into my eyes……
You’re getting sleepy….sleepy….
Now, you will go to the kitchen and open tuna fish cans….
Lots and Lots of tuna fish cans!

This is cool.  Well done…

 

Batelco – INFINITY
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=qvl7kG82EfI&vq=medium

 

then watch this…

The Making of Batelco INFINITY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DEluA6LFw6k

Take one minute….just one click, every day, helps more than you can imagine!

Now, I’ve heard this next one several times, but this is the first time I’ve seen an actual company name associated with it.  So, what does that mean?  That it’s true this time?  Probably not.  Just means someone took the time to try to add a little reality to an obvious “Old Tale.”

If you’ve ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

 

 

And speaking of oldies…

The   inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle,  Arthur Davidson , died and  went to  heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur.  ‘Since  you’ve been such a good man and your   motorcycles   have   changed the world, your reward is, you can  hang out with anyone you  want to in  heaven.’

Arthur thought about it for a minute  and  then said, ‘ I want to hang out with  God.’

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne  Room, and  introduced him to God.

God  recognized Arthur and commented,  ‘Okay, so you  were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson   motorcycle?

‘Arthur said, ‘Yeah, that’s  me…’

God commented:  ‘Well, what’s the  big deal in inventing something that’s pretty   unstable, makes noise and pollution and can’t  run without a  road?’

Arthur was a bit  embarrassed, but finally spoke, ‘Excuse  me,  but aren’t you the inventor of woman?’  

God   said, ‘Ah, yes.’

‘Well,’ said Arthur,  ‘professional to  professional, you have some  major design flaws in your invention  !

1  There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2.   It chatters constantly at high speeds

 

3.   Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4.   The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The  maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

‘Hmmmmm,   you may have some good points there,’ replied  God, ‘hold  on.’

God went to his  Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few  words  and waited for the results.

The computer  printed out a  slip of paper and God read  it.

‘Well, it may be true that my   invention is flawed,’ God said to Arthur, ‘but  according to these  numbers,  more   men  are  riding my invention than yours’.

I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down.

Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from “Mas-a-what?” to “You’ve got to be kidding.” One guy just laughed.

I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor’s Garage. “Vic,” I said, “you’re my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?”

There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. “Yes,” he replied. “Oil.”

Way cool optical illusion advertisement.  A GREAT way to advertise a printer.
http://www.makeuseof.com/tech-fun/cool-optical-illusion-commercial-samsung/

It’s simply called, “It’s a trap!” Brothers, can I hear a “No kidding!” This dumb ass deserves everything he gets!

And people wonder why I don’t have a facebook account…..

And this car was advertised with “Fully Electric Windows”…that’s why I bought it!

 

 

I Hate Mondays. It seems like the world is out to get you on Mondays!

Is it safe? Coast clear? Anybody know where Impish is? Boy! You play a couple of pranks on the guy because he’s been gone and it’s April Fool’s Day and he practically issues a “fatwa” on your butt for “besmirching the image of a dragon”. Like he hasn’t besmirched himself beyond redemption already on his own!

Looks like the coast is clear and I can stop skulking about. I need something to smile about since the UCONN ladies lost last night and tanked my bracket. Might as well be a caffeine hyped up Dragon’s antics so <Wickedly Diabolical Grin> now its time to go swap out the coffee he replaced the decafe I swapped for his no April Fool’s Day with Espresso and watch him bounce off the walls and ceiling! Mean while its time to…

Get Our Laugh On!

Undoubtedly what Impish will be like after getting an entire 12 cup pot of Expresso in him. Heck we might even see a little work out of him! Below is an artist rendition of how he appeared Friday on the Decafe:

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandma replied, “Well, let me think a minute. I was born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill.

There were no credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens. Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man had yet to walk on the moon.

Your Grandfather and I got married first and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, “Sir”- – and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, “Sir”.

We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President’s speeches on our radios. And I don’t ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with ‘Made in Japan’ on it, it was junk. The term ‘making out’ referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut, McDonald’s, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Coke were all a nickel. And if you didn’t want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600 but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon. In my day, “grass” was mowed, “coke” was a cold drink, “pot” was something your mother cooked in, and “rock music” was your grandmother’s lullaby. “Aids” were helpers in the Principal’s office, “chip” meant a piece of wood, “hardware” was found in a hardware store, and “software” wasn’t even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us “old and confused” and say there is a generation gap….. and how old do you think I am?

This woman would be only 59 years old!

~Source Unknown~

 

 

 

An Arizona couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asks, ‘What can I do for you?’ The man says, ‘Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?’ The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an  elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, ‘There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..’

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, ‘I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?’

The man says, ‘We’re not trying to find out anything.

She’s married; so we can’t go to her house.

I’m married; and we can’t go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

SHAME ON YOU FOR LAUGHING AT THAT…

Haiku Error Messages

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
countless others exist

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

Everything is gone;
Your life’s work has been destroyed.
Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?

Windows Seven crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again

The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Errors have occurred.
We won’t tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.

Server’s poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.

This site has been moved.
We’d tell you where, but then we’d
have to delete you.

Wind catches lily
scatt’ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault

ABORTED effort:
Save and close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
“My Novel” not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist.

Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can’t bridge.

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that

To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?

Hal, open the file
Hal, open the damn file, Hal
Open the file, please Hal

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you’re seeking
Must now be retyped.

The ten thousand things
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.

Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: “File not found.”

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

(I dedicate that last one to ImpishDragon for his resemblance to it)

An advertisement in Popular Science of February 1932.

Using the exhaust gas of the automobile to clean the upholstery is the accomplishment of a recently invented device. An aluminum attachment is fastened to the exhaust pipe and the engine is allowed to idle. As the exhaust gas passes through this device suction is created at the inlet hole. Collected by a nozzle, the dust and dirt are drawn through the hose and expelled into the air at the rear of the car. It is made in three models, for cars of different size.

Too bad we can’t adapt that to politicians microphones so they could suck up their own bullshit!

A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by
climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a
blanket for them to jump in.

The firemen yell to the Brunette, “Jump! Jump! It’s your only
chance to survive!” The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank
the blanket away. The Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a
tomato.

“C’mon! Jump! You gotta jump!” say the firemen to the Redhead.
“Oh no! You re gonna pull the blanket away!” says the Redhead.
“No! It’s Brunettes we can’t stand! We’re OK with Redheads!” “OK,”
says the Redhead, and she jumps.

SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened
on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the
firemen yell, “Jump! You have to jump!” “No way! You’re just gonna
pull the blanket away!” yelled the Blonde.

“No! Really! You have to jump! We won’t pull
the blanket away!” “Look,” the Blonde says. “Nothing you say is
gonna convince me that you’re not gonna pull the blanket away! So
what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from
it…”

 

Whoever forgot his wife or girlfriend at my place last night after the BBQ is asked to please come and get her ASAP.

My wife insists she’s got to go!

 

Good Morning Campers!!!!!
First, I’d like to thank you all for all your very kind thoughts, prayers, well wishes and condolences on the loss of my little brother.  It has been an incredibly difficult week, as you can well imagine, but it was made easier by the strength I received from all of you through your deep and heartfelt concern.  Thank you, my dear friends.

April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month. By clicking on the blue ribbon, it will take you to just one of the many Child Abuse websites around the net.  Through out the month, I will try and bring you different articles and websites concerning this terribly tragic problem that is ever growing across our country.  This is definitely not a laughing matter, so what is it doing in a humor e-zine?  Because, like breast cancer, it is something that I believe in supporting so it is something I will endeavor to convince you to support.  Sounds pretty easy, right?

Right!

Now…..we can get on with the laughter!

Tis True….we do launch birds into pigs…

Better Living Through Chemistry

Table of Elements:
C = carbon
Ho = holmium
Co = cobalt
La = lanthanum
Te = tellurium

CHoCoLaTe – Better living through chemistry!

Just watch…you’ll be glad you did.  Funny guy.

A woman’s dream come true in a vegetable garden

Maharajah of India
The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree.  He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country’s leader.  The decree was honored until there were so many Bengal tigers running loose that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power.  This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game.
And yes, you’re right Steph…you should be ashamed!

Breaking News: Facebook, an original CIA program:
http://www.makeuseof.com/tech-fun/cias-facebook-program-dramatically-cut-agencys-costs-video/ 

Anyone of us could have seen THIS one coming….

Dear Waldo,

Please join us. We could use a sneaky bastard like yourself.

Sincerely, ninjas.

 

Dear snow covered car,

Please take the five minutes to remove the snow before you start driving 70 mph down the interstate.

Sincerely, the car in the avalanche behind you

 

Dear McDonald’s chicken nuggets,

Really? Now with 100% real meat? What was it before?

Sincerely, about to throw up

 

Dear yellow traffic light,

Challenge accepted.

Sincerely, a driver running late.

 

Dear Europeans,

Please get a grip, you have 2 inches of snow, it’s not the next ice age.

Sincerely, Canadians.

 

Dear high school skanks,

What a lovely shade of slut you’re wearing today.

Sincerely, please put on some underwear.

 

Dear children,

Please stop seeing how long you can hold your breath at the bottom of the pool.

Sincerely, the lifeguard who just had a mini heart attack.

 

Dear Tic Tacs,

Do you have to be in the loudest container ever?

Sincerely, didn’t want to share.

 

Dear CDs,

Why are you so hard to open? No one is going to steal you, that’s what the internet is for.

Sincerely, annoyed.

 

Dear iPod,

You fought bravely.

Sincerely, washing machine.

 

Dear new car owner,

BOMBS AWAY!

Sincerely, birds.

 

Dear 1994,

So you brought us both the death of Kurt Cobain and the birth of Justin Bieber? Not cool man…. Not cool.

Sincerely, the world.

 

Dear tourists,

Go heart your own city.

Sincerely, New York.

 

Dear villains who are always trying to destroy the world,

…then what?

Sincerely, realist.

 

Dear face wash commercials,

Nobody actually splashes their face with water like that.

Sincerely, my bathroom is sopping wet now.

 

Dear 2011,

You better be awesome. 2010 sucked and we’re all dying in 2012.

Sincerely, cheers.

A missionary heard about a native who had five wives.

“You are violating a law of God,” he said, “so you must go and tell four of those women you can no longer live here or consider you their husband.”

The native thought a few moments, then said, “Me wait here. You tell ’em.”

Take one minute….just one click, every day, helps more than you can imagine!

Old Jack was in his club on a Friday night when he pulled a $100,000 jackpot on a poker slot machine. When the club manager was presenting him with the check, he asked Jack how he was going to spend the money.

“Well”, said Jack, “first I’ll spend $25,000 at the races, and I’ll spend $25,000 on beer, wine and whiskey and another $25,000 on loose, fast women.”

“Goodness!” said the manager. “Then what are you going to spend the other $25,000 on?”

“Ah … geez,” said old Jack, scratching his head, “I’ll probably just bloody squander that.”

Glad to see he has his priorities in a row

Doctor: “That’s a big slash cut on your head. How did that happen?”

Boy   : “My sister hit me with some tomatoes.”

Doctor: “That’s incredible, I can’t imagine how any tomatoes would make a cut like that.”

Boy   : “They were still in the can.”

The Teacher was trying to get the class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.

“How would you feel,” she asked, “If someone showed up on your doorstep looking very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn’t you be a bit scared?”

“Nah” one boy answered, “I’d just figure it was my sister’s date.”

A trio of old veterans were bragging and joking about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.

“My great grandfather, at age 13,” one declared proudly, “was a drummer boy at Shiloh.”

“Mine,” boasts another, “went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn.”

“I’m the only soldier in my family,” confessed vet number three, “but if my great grandfather was living today he’d be the most famous man in the world.”

“Really? What’d he do?” his friends wanted to know.

“Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old.”

Another great installment from that snide British commentator.
 
GO HERE:
 
Click here: http://dotsub.com/media/b5ee5ada-5b37-4b0b-9916-e0896337ec4b/e/m

If Google Search had a sense of humor

http://www.cracked.com/photoplasty_172_if-google-search-results-had-sense-humor/

Cat o’ nine tails…or um…plugs

The History of Child Abuse Prevention Month

Increasing public awareness of the need to ensure the safety and welfare of children led to the passage of the first Federal child protection legislation, the Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act (CAPTA), in 1974. While CAPTA has been amended many times over the years, most recently by the Keeping Children and Families Safe Act of 2003, the purpose of the original legislation remains intact. Today, the Children’s Bureau, Administration for Children and Families, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, is the Federal agency charged with supporting States, Tribes, and communities in providing programs and services to protect children and strengthen families.

In the early 1980s, Congress made a further commitment to identifying and implementing solutions to child abuse. Recognizing the alarming rate at which children continued to be abused and neglected and the need for innovative programs to prevent child abuse and assist parents and families affected by maltreatment, Congress resolved that the week of June 6-12, 1982, should be designated as the first National Child Abuse Prevention Week. They asked the President to issue a proclamation calling on Government agencies and the public to observe the week with appropriate programs, ceremonies, and activities.

The following year, April was proclaimed the first National Child Abuse Prevention Month. Since then, child abuse and neglect awareness activities have been promoted across the country during April of each year. The Office on Child Abuse and Neglect (OCAN) within the Children’s Bureau coordinates Child Abuse Prevention Month, providing information and releasing updated national statistics about child abuse and neglect each April.

In 1989, the Blue Ribbon Campaign to Prevent Child Abuse began as a Virginia grandmother’s tribute to her grandson who died as a result of abuse. She tied a blue ribbon to the antenna of her car as a way to remember him and to alert her community to the tragedy of child abuse. The Blue Ribbon Campaign has since expanded across the country, and many wear blue ribbons each April in memory of those who have died as a result of child abuse. In other communities, special fundraisers are held to support prevention activities and treatment facilities for victims, and candlelight vigils are held as a remembrance. Most recently, the focus has shifted to a more positive message of celebrating “blue ribbon” individuals, organizations, and communities that have done much to prevent child abuse and neglect.

In Title II of the CAPTA amendments of 1996, the Children’s Bureau was charged with identifying a lead agency in each State for Community-Based Child Abuse Prevention (CBCAP) grants. These grants support the development, operation, and expansion of initiatives to prevent child abuse and neglect, as well as the coordination of resources and activities to strengthen and support families to reduce the likelihood of child maltreatment. CBCAP grantees within each State often take a leadership role in coordinating special events and preparing materials to support Child Abuse Prevention Month. Regardless of their role, CBCAP grantees are required to report annually on their Child Abuse Prevention Month activities.

In 2003, as part of the 20th anniversary of the original Presidential Proclamation designating April as Child Abuse Prevention Month, OCAN recast the National Child Abuse Prevention Initiative as a year-long effort. This initiative was launched at the 14th National Conference on Child Abuse and Neglect, which was devoted to the theme of prevention. A national press conference there was the setting for the release of the publication Emerging Practices in the Prevention of Child Abuse and Neglect.

The expansion of the Child Abuse Prevention Initiative was consistent with priorities of the Administration for Children and Families and the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. OCAN and Child Welfare Information Gateway (formerly, the National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse and Neglect Information) partnered with the broad child abuse prevention community to raise awareness of the issue through a variety of tools, resources, activities, and public awareness events. Many of these materials, such as the annual Resource Guide, have been made available in print and on the web to related Federal agencies, organizations, and concerned citizens in communities nationwide.

In 2004, there was emerging consensus among national child abuse prevention organizations and related Federal agencies that building public will for child abuse prevention required engaging the public in efforts to strengthen and support families and enhance parenting skills. Building on this national momentum, OCAN shifted the focus of its child abuse prevention resources to incorporate a family-strengthening message promoting parenting and community support. Today, the Child Abuse Prevention Initiative is an opportunity for communities across the country to keep children safe, provide the support families need to stay together, and raise children and youth to be happy, secure, and stable adults.

 

 

That’s right boys & girls it’s that second most dreaded day of the year (the foremost dreaded day will be here in 14 more days…Tax Day) it’s April Fools Day again!

One second while I check off my “Prank Impish List”

Swap his coffee for decafe…check
Switch newspaper for prank one announcing Obama & Biden’s joint resignations…check
Drivers seat way forward, radio on Rap Station & all the way up in Dragonmobile…check
Vanity plate “I-H8-Cops” installed (upside-down) over legit back plate… check
“Bad Cop- No Donut” bumper sticker installed (rightside-up)…check
Fake 60 Minutes van parked outside his office entrance & in his spot…check.
Annoying strange noise device hidden in his office & set to random intervals… check
Lotto ticket in his top drawer swapped for fake with winning numbers…check
“Our Founder” picture in outer office swapped for image of Barney in same pose…check
Office staff all primed to comment on excellent likeness of the Our Founder photo…check
Upholstery tacks hidden in his office throne pillows…check
Rear legs of office throne lengthened half inch so chair is pitched forward…check
Favorite pen replaced with a “zapping one”… check
Photo adhesive sprayed in all draw slider tracks in Impish’s desk…check
Shrink wrap across toilet and urinal in Dragon’s personal washroom…check
PAM cooking spray liberally applied to Dragon’s toilet seat…check
Dragon’s personal washroom automatic air freshener refilled with skunk scent…check
Suite of 30 remote command executed pranks installed on his office computer…check
All water bottles in his office fridge replaced with sealed ones full of ocean water…check

Umm lets see did I forget anything…OH! Right!

Spoofed text message from Mrs. Dragon saying results from latest Dr’s visit are back and she’s pregnant with twins…double check!

Emergency Escape Plans (15 total) in place and ready to go…check & double rechecked

Yup I’m ready for today how about you?

Now, Let’s Laugh – Before the Laugh Is On Us!

 

Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Chuck Norris.

<wickedly evil grin> Just heard the first “Damn it Lethal!” out of Impish on my answering machine awwww….I think he missed me! He’ll be here soon, excuse me a second while I make myself scarce.

Solution to the problem in Libya:

They want a new Muslim leader.  I say, give them ours!

Solves two problems.

Makes a HELL of an April Fools Day joke on the Libyans as well!

Get a FREE case of Beer!

I stopped by the Kroger last Friday and the store manager was there talking to a new distributor for Caricacell beer (it’s an Italian beer, pretty good. They had a tasting last Thursday I was told). Anyway, he gave me their web site address, they have a promotion now through April 20th where they are giving a coupon for a free case of beer. The coupon is good anywhere in the U.S. and is valid for a year. All you need to do is go to their web site and click on the “special promotion” on the left side and print the coupon. That’s it. I redeemed my coupon & picked up my free case of beer on my way home last night. Here is the web address: http://snipurl.com/CaricacellBeerPromo

Google Postcard: Search the Web by Snail Mail

Now you can search Google without the computer or a mobile phone Just write your search query on this postcard and send it to Google office via Snail Mail.

Get them at your local Post Office or Starbucks!

 

Words That Should Never Appear in the Same Sentence

Some things go together like peanut butter and jelly.
Other things go together like peanut butter and spackle.

The Top 5 Pairs of Words That Should Never Appear in the Same Sentence

5> grandma, bikini
4> tasty, panda
3> colonoscopy, barbwire
2> pimp, tractor

and The Number 1 Pair of Words That Should Never Appear in the Same Sentence…
1> amateur, circumcision
          [ Copyright 2011 by Chris White/TopFive.com ]

 

 

 

 

Some people will go to extraordinary time and effort for an April Fools Day prank…

<attempting to stifle hysterical giggles> Begorrah! The blue language coming out of Impish’s office! You know I think it just might be directed at me!

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at a Monte Carlo casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand  Euros on a single roll of the dice. She said, ‘I hope you don’t  mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude’. With  that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish  brogue yelled, ‘Come on, baby, Lassie needs new clothes!’
As the  dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed…’YES! YES! I  WON, I WON!’ She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her  winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared  at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, ‘What did she  roll?’ The other answered, ‘I don’t know – I thought you were  watching.’

MORAL OF THE STORY –

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men….are men.

<hysterical giggles of mirth> Forgot I replaced the mirror in his office mirror with glass and a picture of Barney! Just heard an angry indignant “I DO NOT LOOK LIKE BARNEY!” followed by a panicked yelp when he looked in the mirror.

April Fools’ Sushi: Rice Krispies Nuggets

Recipe courtesy Food Network Magazine

 

Directions

Looks like: Sushi

Make a batch of Rice Krispies Treats; shape into small oval mounds while still warm. Top with a dab of pistachio paste, then cover with whole or minced red and orange gummy candy (such as Chuckles or Sunkist Fruit Slices). Wrap with a strip of green fruit leather, if desired. To make a sushi roll, flatten a warm Rice Krispies Treat mound into a thin rectangle on a piece of fruit leather and arrange gumdrops down the center. Roll into a cylinder and slice into pieces. Serve the sushi with wasabi, ginger, and chocolate syrup as soy sauce. Cut a sour-candy belt to look like a grass garnish.

Looks like: Pickled Ginger

Soak 2 tablespoons shredded coconut in 1/2 cup water with 1 drop each of yellow and red food coloring.

Looks like: Wasabi

Pulse 2 tablespoons finely chopped pistachios, 1/4 cup cream cheese and 2 tablespoons confectioners’ sugar in a food processor.

 

Submarine Racing –  Awesome  Pictures

The 2009 World Submarine Racing Championships held from New London Connecticut to Hamilton Bermuda   It was quite a nail biting finish! See below:

 

Well, ….What did you expect to see? They’re submarines!

 

Oops! I just heard an string of invectives lasting a full 90 seconds in 6 languages with no repeats ending in “I’m going to KILL that *#$^&@& of a @#$%ing Leprechaun when I catch him” and they are paging the entire maintenance staff to his executive washroom! Time for me to make an early tactical withdrawal. Time sure flies when you’re up to mischief! ‘Tis a shame I won’t be here when he gets that text message from Mrs. Dragon. Oh well better to live to prank another day!

 

OBTW…those Google postcards? APRIL FOOLS!