I Hate Mondays. It seems like the world is out to get you on Mondays!
Is it safe? Coast clear? Anybody know where Impish is? Boy! You play a couple of pranks on the guy because he’s been gone and it’s April Fool’s Day and he practically issues a “fatwa” on your butt for “besmirching the image of a dragon”. Like he hasn’t besmirched himself beyond redemption already on his own!
Looks like the coast is clear and I can stop skulking about. I need something to smile about since the UCONN ladies lost last night and tanked my bracket. Might as well be a caffeine hyped up Dragon’s antics so <Wickedly Diabolical Grin> now its time to go swap out the coffee he replaced the decafe I swapped for his no April Fool’s Day with Espresso and watch him bounce off the walls and ceiling! Mean while its time to…
Get Our Laugh On!
Undoubtedly what Impish will be like after getting an entire 12 cup pot of Expresso in him. Heck we might even see a little work out of him! Below is an artist rendition of how he appeared Friday on the Decafe:
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
The Grandma replied, “Well, let me think a minute. I was born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill.
There were no credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens. Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man had yet to walk on the moon.
Your Grandfather and I got married first and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, “Sir”- – and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, “Sir”.
We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President’s speeches on our radios. And I don’t ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with ‘Made in Japan’ on it, it was junk. The term ‘making out’ referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut, McDonald’s, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Coke were all a nickel. And if you didn’t want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600 but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon. In my day, “grass” was mowed, “coke” was a cold drink, “pot” was something your mother cooked in, and “rock music” was your grandmother’s lullaby. “Aids” were helpers in the Principal’s office, “chip” meant a piece of wood, “hardware” was found in a hardware store, and “software” wasn’t even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us “old and confused” and say there is a generation gap….. and how old do you think I am?
This woman would be only 59 years old!
An Arizona couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asks, ‘What can I do for you?’ The man says, ‘Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?’ The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, ‘There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..’
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, ‘I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?’
The man says, ‘We’re not trying to find out anything.
She’s married; so we can’t go to her house.
I’m married; and we can’t go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.
SHAME ON YOU FOR LAUGHING AT THAT…
Haiku Error Messages
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
countless others exist
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
Everything is gone;
Your life’s work has been destroyed.
Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?
Windows Seven crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again
The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.
Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
Errors have occurred.
We won’t tell you where or why.
Server’s poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.
This site has been moved.
We’d tell you where, but then we’d
have to delete you.
Wind catches lily
scatt’ring petals to the wind:
Save and close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
“My Novel” not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist.
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can’t bridge.
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Hal, open the file
Hal, open the damn file, Hal
Open the file, please Hal
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you’re seeking
Must now be retyped.
The ten thousand things
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.
Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: “File not found.”
All shortcuts have disappeared
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
(I dedicate that last one to ImpishDragon for his resemblance to it)
An advertisement in Popular Science of February 1932.
Using the exhaust gas of the automobile to clean the upholstery is the accomplishment of a recently invented device. An aluminum attachment is fastened to the exhaust pipe and the engine is allowed to idle. As the exhaust gas passes through this device suction is created at the inlet hole. Collected by a nozzle, the dust and dirt are drawn through the hose and expelled into the air at the rear of the car. It is made in three models, for cars of different size.
Too bad we can’t adapt that to politicians microphones so they could suck up their own bullshit!
A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by
climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a
blanket for them to jump in.
The firemen yell to the Brunette, “Jump! Jump! It’s your only
chance to survive!” The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank
the blanket away. The Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a
“C’mon! Jump! You gotta jump!” say the firemen to the Redhead.
“Oh no! You re gonna pull the blanket away!” says the Redhead.
“No! It’s Brunettes we can’t stand! We’re OK with Redheads!” “OK,”
says the Redhead, and she jumps.
SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened
on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the
firemen yell, “Jump! You have to jump!” “No way! You’re just gonna
pull the blanket away!” yelled the Blonde.
“No! Really! You have to jump! We won’t pull
the blanket away!” “Look,” the Blonde says. “Nothing you say is
gonna convince me that you’re not gonna pull the blanket away! So
what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from
Whoever forgot his wife or girlfriend at my place last night after the BBQ is asked to please come and get her ASAP.
My wife insists she’s got to go!