Leprechaun Laffs # 45


DL - Leprechaun Laffs

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I Hate Mondays. It seems like the world is out to get you on Mondays!

Is it safe? Coast clear? Anybody know where Impish is? Boy! You play a couple of pranks on the guy because he’s been gone and it’s April Fool’s Day and he practically issues a “fatwa” on your butt for “besmirching the image of a dragon”. Like he hasn’t besmirched himself beyond redemption already on his own!

Looks like the coast is clear and I can stop skulking about. I need something to smile about since the UCONN ladies lost last night and tanked my bracket. Might as well be a caffeine hyped up Dragon’s antics so <Wickedly Diabolical Grin> now its time to go swap out the coffee he replaced the decafe I swapped for his no April Fool’s Day with Espresso and watch him bounce off the walls and ceiling! Mean while its time to…

Get Our Laugh On!

!cid_X_MA3_1301701862@aol

Undoubtedly what Impish will be like after getting an entire 12 cup pot of Expresso in him. Heck we might even see a little work out of him! Below is an artist rendition of how he appeared Friday on the Decafe:

seasonsturn

kellssmallborder

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandma replied, “Well, let me think a minute. I was born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill.

There were no credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens. Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man had yet to walk on the moon.

Your Grandfather and I got married first and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, “Sir”- – and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, “Sir”.

We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President’s speeches on our radios. And I don’t ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with ‘Made in Japan’ on it, it was junk. The term ‘making out’ referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut, McDonald’s, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Coke were all a nickel. And if you didn’t want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600 but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon. In my day, “grass” was mowed, “coke” was a cold drink, “pot” was something your mother cooked in, and “rock music” was your grandmother’s lullaby. “Aids” were helpers in the Principal’s office, “chip” meant a piece of wood, “hardware” was found in a hardware store, and “software” wasn’t even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us “old and confused” and say there is a generation gap….. and how old do you think I am?

This woman would be only 59 years old!

~Source Unknown~

 

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!cid_1_3426727441@web36905_mail_mud_yahoo

An Arizona couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asks, ‘What can I do for you?’ The man says, ‘Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?’ The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an  elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, ‘There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..’

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, ‘I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?’

The man says, ‘We’re not trying to find out anything.

She’s married; so we can’t go to her house.

I’m married; and we can’t go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

SHAME ON YOU FOR LAUGHING AT THAT…

hp_112105_windowsBugs

Haiku Error Messages

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
countless others exist

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

Everything is gone;
Your life’s work has been destroyed.
Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?

Windows Seven crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again

The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Errors have occurred.
We won’t tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.

Server’s poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.

This site has been moved.
We’d tell you where, but then we’d
have to delete you.

Wind catches lily
scatt’ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault

ABORTED effort:
Save and close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
“My Novel” not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist.

Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can’t bridge.

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that

To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?

Hal, open the file
Hal, open the damn file, Hal
Open the file, please Hal

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you’re seeking
Must now be retyped.

The ten thousand things
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.

Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: “File not found.”

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

(I dedicate that last one to ImpishDragon for his resemblance to it)

dl you-aint_thumb2_thumb1

carexclean

An advertisement in Popular Science of February 1932.

Using the exhaust gas of the automobile to clean the upholstery is the accomplishment of a recently invented device. An aluminum attachment is fastened to the exhaust pipe and the engine is allowed to idle. As the exhaust gas passes through this device suction is created at the inlet hole. Collected by a nozzle, the dust and dirt are drawn through the hose and expelled into the air at the rear of the car. It is made in three models, for cars of different size.

Too bad we can’t adapt that to politicians microphones so they could suck up their own bullshit!

kellssmallborder

A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by
climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a
blanket for them to jump in.

The firemen yell to the Brunette, “Jump! Jump! It’s your only
chance to survive!” The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank
the blanket away. The Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a
tomato.

“C’mon! Jump! You gotta jump!” say the firemen to the Redhead.
“Oh no! You re gonna pull the blanket away!” says the Redhead.
“No! It’s Brunettes we can’t stand! We’re OK with Redheads!” “OK,”
says the Redhead, and she jumps.

SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened
on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the
firemen yell, “Jump! You have to jump!” “No way! You’re just gonna
pull the blanket away!” yelled the Blonde.

“No! Really! You have to jump! We won’t pull
the blanket away!” “Look,” the Blonde says. “Nothing you say is
gonna convince me that you’re not gonna pull the blanket away! So
what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from
it…”

kellssmallborder

Warning!

 

Whoever forgot his wife or girlfriend at my place last night after the BBQ is asked to please come and get her ASAP.

My wife insists she’s got to go!

!cid_2_2879208900@web36901_mail_mud_yahoo

 

DL Closing Credits

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About lethalleprechaun

I believe in being the kind of man who, when my feet touch the floor in the morn', causes the Devil to say "BUGGER ME! HIMSELF IS UP!" ======== I'm a White Married Heterosexual who fervently believes in the war(s) we are fighting, the Second Amendment which I plan on defending with my last breath and my last round of ammunition as well as Arizona's stringent law on Immigration and the need for the border wall. I'm a right of center Con-centrist with Tea Party & Republican sympathies who drives an SUV. I am a Life Time Member of the NRA, a Charter Member of the Patriots' Border Alliance and North American Hunters Association. If there is a season for it and I can shoot one I'll eat it and proudly wear its fur. I believe PETA exists solely to be a forum for Gays, Vegetarians, Hollywood snobbery to stupid to get into politics and Soybean Growers. The ACLU stopped protecting our civil liberties sometime after the 1960s and now serves its own bigoted headline grabbing agenda much in the same way as the Southern Poverty Law Center. I am ecstatic that WE the PEOPLE finally got mad enough to rise up and take back the Government from WE the ENTITLED and reverently wish the Liberals would just get over the loss and quit whining/protesting all the time. After all they're just reaping what they've sown. I am Pro-choice both when it comes to the issue of abortion AND school prayer. I believe in a government for the people, by the people which represents and does the people's will. Therefore I an Pro States rights and mandatory term limits but against special interest group campaign contributions and soft money. I think that sports teams who allow their players to sit or take a knee during the National Anthem should be boycotted until the message is received that this is not acceptable behavior for role models for children. I believe Congressional salaries should be voted on bi-annually by the people they represent and not by themselves. I think Congress should be subject to every law they pass on the populace including any regarding Social Security or Healthcare. Speaking of the Healthcare bill (or con job as I see it) I hope Trump will overturn it and set things back to normal. I oppose the building of an Mosque or ANY Islamic center at or within a 10 mile radius of Ground Zero in New York. I will fight those in favor of this until hell freezes over and then I will continue to fight it hand to hand on the ice. Further I think the ban on immigrants from certain nations known to harbor and promote terrorism is a justified measure, at least until we can come up with better methods of vetting and tracking those non citizens we allow in the country. We did not inflict this measure on them those who refuse to point out, denounce or fight radical religious terrorism brought this upon themselves.
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