Good Morning again readers. We are taking the unusual step (since migrating to the blog anyway) of sending out a second posting today. This is because of the import of the information that has recently come to light. We here at DragonLaffs Headquarters felt that this situation represented a very credible and possible danger to our readers, so much so that we felt it was our duty to take this rare step.

Please read the information below and pay special heed to it. Forward the e-mail or  link to the blog page ( https://dragonlaffs.com/2011/05/04/dragonleprechu…affs-psa-extra/ ) to all your friends and families. The last time this sort of issue occurred, back in June 2004, the damage done was considerable and those responsible are an order of magnitude more dangerous and sophisticated then back in 2004. You just might save yourself, a family member or someone you know a boat load of grief!

Wednesday, May 4, 2011 Breaking News

The FBI warns against e-mails claiming to show the death of bin Laden

The IC3, the Internet Cybercrimes Division of the FBI, warned Internet users against unsolicited emails that claim to show pictures or videos of the assassination of Osama bin Laden. In a statement released on Tuesday 3 May, the F.B.I. said that these e-mails may actually contain an attachment, the virus that can steal personal information or infect a computer.
According to the FBI, these malicious e-mails can be sent by friends or relatives who do not know they contain a virus. The Federal Bureau of Investigation also urges users to update their privacy settings on social networking sites to limit the release of unwanted links on their profile page.

The Internet Crime Complaint Center (IC3) urges computer users to not open unsolicited (spam) e-mails, including clicking links contained within those messages. Even if the sender is familiar, the public should exercise due diligence. Computer owners must ensure they have up-to-date firewall and anti-virus software running on their machines to detect and deflect malicious software.

The IC3 recommends the public do the following:

• Adjust the privacy settings on social networking sites you frequent to make it more difficult for people you know and do not know to post content to your page. Even a “friend” can unknowingly pass on multimedia that’s actually malicious software.
• Do not agree to download software to view videos. These applications can infect your computer.
• Read e-mails you receive carefully. Fraudulent messages often feature misspellings, poor grammar, and nonstandard English.
• Report e-mails you receive that purport to be from the FBI. Criminals often use the FBI’s name and seal to add legitimacy to their fraudulent schemes. In fact, the FBI does not send unsolicited e-mails to the public. Should you receive unsolicited messages that feature the FBI’s name, seal, or that reference a division or unit within the FBI or an individual employee, report it to the Internet Crime Complaint Center at www.ic3.gov.

Additionally Several Versions Of SPAM and Malware Are Emerging

The computer security company Sophos has also warned that other risks exist to spread malware by e-mail. The company said in the case of spam, the email text has the appearance of an item of information, and points to a link, which is actually fraudulent. Sophos has also stressed that malicious programs are spreading virally, through social networks like Facebook. Links claiming to show footage of bin Laden being killed by US troops and photos of the dead terrorist are already doing rounds on popular social networking sites like Facebook. Some links on Facebook claim that “exclusive footage” that will “leave you speechless” has been leaked by “Wikileaks” and organizations like “CNN”, playing on users’ curiosity to see the world’s most wanted terrorist in his last moments.

The message, which purports to show the video of the death of bin Laden, requires the user to “love” a Facebook page and then requires him to answer a survey, which has absolutely nothing to do with the head Al-Qaeda. Once a user clicks on the link, it is automatically pasted on the walls of all his contacts. “Cyber criminals are making money every time the survey is completed, so they have every interest in ensuring that the link be widely disseminated,” concludes Sophos.

assembled and edited for readability for your cyber protection and safety by the LethalLeprechaun from the following sources:

http://tech-news-buzz.blogspot.com/2011/05/fbi-warns-against-e-mails-claiming-to.html

http://www.fbi.gov/news/pressrel/press-releases/malicious-software-features-usama-bin-laden-links-to-ensnare-unsuspecting-computer-users

http://www.denverpost.com/breakingnews/ci_17990330

http://www.indianexpress.com/news/fbi-warns-against-virus-osama-photos-videos-on-internet/785612/

http://nakedsecurity.sophos.com/2011/05/02/osama-bin-laden-death-video-scam-spreads-virally-on-facebook/

 

Well its Hump Day again. Been a fairly interesting couple of days at least getting here watching all the developments in the Osama bi Laden news cycle. Look for some final comments on the subject before we move on to other issues in today’s Last Word which includes some exceptionally fine words from one of our NYC readers on the subject.

Then yesterday we had the dragon’s mysterious coffee related illness, which if you read my comments at the end of his issue was not so mysterious at all.  More great entertainment for all, unless you were Impish.

Been an exceptionally fine couple of days here in Houston with mild weather and I’m going to take full advantage of today by doing a little outside work on my patio before things get really warm again so with out further ado….

Let’s Get Our Laugh On!

Beats the hell out of dealing with snotty or dumber than doorknob baristas that’s for sure!

 

The makers of Colt 45 malt liquor are introducing Blast, a fruity new drink boasting twice the alcohol as some malt liquors. The drink resembles soda pop, in colorful 23.5-ounce cans, but has an alcohol content of 12% — as compared to the 4%-6% of a typical beer.

( Just what we need, gang bangers getting drunk faster because it’s more powerful and tastes better)

The Top 10 Great Names for Alcopop Drinks

10> Grape We-Hi
9> Dead Bull
8> 7-F#%ku-Up
7> Canada DWI
6> Jolt 45
5> A&W Woot! Beer
4> Dos Wreckies
3> Mountain DUI
2> Orange Crunk

and The Number 1 Great Name for an Alcopop Drink…

1> Coca-Coma

          [ Copyright 2011 by Chris White/TopFive.com ]

 

I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish.

“I want to live forever,” I said.

“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant wishes like that!”

“Fine,” I said, “then I want to die after an honest Congress gets their heads out of their asses!”

“You crafty bastard,” said the fairy.

 

 

 

The Osama Manhattan

Ingredients:   2 shots and a splash!

 

 

 

Mrs. Dragon goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
It’s for my husband Impish, she tells the clerk.
Did he tell you what gauge to get? asked the clerk.
Are you kidding? she says.
He doesn’t even know that I’m going to shoot him!

 

 

THE BOOTS

Impish & family finally heeded the Leprechaun’s wise advice and  moved to Texas.

Impish always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some real garishly ornate ones a real Texan of course would never be caught dead in on sale at Cavender’s, he promptly bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Mrs. Dragon looked him over. “Nope.”

Frustrated, Impish stormed off into  the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Mrs. Dragon, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Mrs. Dragon looked up and said in her best deadpan, “Impish, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Impish yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN ?”

“Nope. Not a clue”, she replied.

“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!”

Without missing a beat Mrs. Dragon replied, “Shoulda bought a Stetson, Impish. Shoulda bought a Stetson.”

Impish goes for a job interview

 

I never would have married you if I knew how stupid you were!” shouted Mrs Dragon to her husband!

Impish replied, “You should’ve known how stupid I was the minute I asked you to marry me!”

According to what he mumbled to me they should be unwiring his jaw in about 6 to 8 weeks

===========

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. Lethal Leprechaun picks it up,  and the following conversation ensues:

“Hello?”

“Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

“Yes.”

“Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”

“What’s the price?”

“Only $1,500.00.”

“Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much…”

“Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2012 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price…  and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…”

“What price did he quote you?”

“Only $60,000…”

“OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

“Great! But before we hang up, there’s something else…”

“What?”

“It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and… I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s on sale!!
Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property…”

“How much are they asking?”

“Only $450,000 – a magnificent price… and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…”

“Well, then just go ahead and buy it.”

“OK, sweetie…Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”

“Bye…I do too…”

Lethal hangs up, closes the phone’s flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:

“This is Impish Dragon’s cell phone isn’t it?”

The Pasta Diet and Your Health

ITALIAN PASTA DIET — IT REALLY WORKS !!
1.. You walk pasta da bakery.
2… You walka pasta da candy store.
3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.
You will lose weight!

AND….

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the English.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
5.. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

When you get it, you’ll be humming it, all day. No need to thank me. Yes I know I’m evil, thank you for the complement.

Don’t EVEN get me started on this!

Anybody else see a problem with this, or is it just me?

                            

 

2 Polish hunters got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.

The hunters objected strongly saying, “Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both…. and he had exactly the same airplane as yours.”

Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.

However, even under full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Stan survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Stosh asked Stan, “Any idea where we are?”

Stan replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

 

This is from  Dan  from NYC  and taken from our comments section on Monday in response to my Opening Comments lead off announcement that bin Laden was now just a bad memory. Not only his observations on the big picture and how this relates to it but his personal insight as someone living in NYC make his comment well worth reposting. Especially since I know many of you still refuse to be dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st century and view the blog on the website and therefor probably missed his excellent comments. Unlike Impish who (yes I agree I DID give him my permission, I mean what the hell, he foists off most of his work on me anyway to open is schedule up for extra naps already) shamelessly took the easy route out and used my comments for the bulk of his Saturday Last Word I will have some additional thoughts at the end of Dan’s.

Dan writes:
“First, I am really thankful that our troops executed the mission without any injury. I am personally very, very happy that we have finally taken out this sick animal and sent him to his just recompense. We have cause for joy and should savor this moment.
Tonight, I headed over to the WTC site for a bit. It was still a small (for NYC) but full throated celebration with me joining in on the Pledge of Allegiance and The Star Spangled Banner. But my quiet sense of satisfaction and homage at the day’s news didn’t match up well with the exuberance of the crowd.
We have won a victory that is more the winning of a battle of undetermined value than winning the war. It is my sense of things that we must be careful against allowing our joy to transform into smugness. That was the mistake we made following the WTC attack on February 26, 1993 which helped pave the way for 9/11.
The war continues and will continue until the motivation to subjugate others by force to a global Caliphate fades away to the point of becoming a gnat on an elephant’s ass.
Come the morning we will still have work to do and battles to fight and win.”

Well said sir! (Would you perhaps be interested in replacing Impish Dragon? Whoops! Made Impish choke on my coffee with that one! <snicker>)

Mark Twain’s famous quote comes to mind,

“I have never wished a man dead, but I have enjoyed reading a few obituaries”.

I wish I could honestly say that was the truth in my case but, in truth, I have been lusting to see him sport a 5.56mm “beauty mark” in the center of his forehead from about ten seconds after the first plane hit the WTC everyday since September 11th 2001.

Personally, it makes me happy that Frank Sinatra was right when he sang…

“Fairy tale can come true. It can happen to you, if you are young at heart.”

Guess it’s time to start concentrating on rubbing me shamrock and rabbits feet for wish #2 now: the total eradication of Al Qaeda and it’s inherent brand of Radical Fundamentalist Islam. This is not the time, however, to let down our collective guard. If anything, it is a time when every U.S. citizen should carry a heightened sense of awareness. Al-Qaeda, as it has demonstrated, doesn’t get even; it gets ahead. And for that organization the ugly game of one-upmanship could have devastating consequences for the U.S. and its allies around the globe. [Especially in view of the revelation yesterday from the White House that Osama was unarmed when he was shot for resisting. http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/ap/top/all/7548344.html ]

See, as Dan maintains, we are far from done in this thing, we just hit a mile stone that is all. The worth and import of that mile stone is and will continue to be of much debate, even between Impish and myself. Also, I agree with Dan’s point that we must not become over confident and lose our focus, sight of the larger picture or buy into the propaganda that the current administration about limiting the scope of this solely to Al Qaeda. At best what we obtained was a morale (no, not moral..morale) victory and some measure of personal and national closure for the tragedy that befell us on Sept 11th 2001.

Texas State Sen. Brian Birdwell,( R-Granbury, was a lieutenant colonel in the U.S. Army, assigned as an aide to a two-star general in the Pentagon on the morning of Sept. 11, 2001), who was badly injured in the terrorist attack on the Pentagon solemnly reflected on the death of the man who organized that attack, saying he hoped that Osama Bin Laden’s death would send a message to potential enemies of the U.S. that “the American public will be unrelenting. The culture that fosters this hatred is not dead,” he said. While Bin Laden was the face of that movement, “it’s very possible someone else will step forward to be that face.”

While his mood was subdued, Birdwell said he was not offended by joyous celebrations that broke out in New York and Washington. “The seminal difference between the jubilation that Americans were feeling last night than the jubilation I saw on tapes of 9/11 of people celebrating in the Middle East when the Twin Towers came down is we have done justice to a murder who got the death he deserved. We were celebrating the justice that was done. Our enemies … were celebrating the slaughter of innocent life.  What we celebrate makes us uniquely special in the United States.”

In a speech on the Senate floor, Birdwell said, “Is this going to bring great retaliation? That’s the wrong question. The question isn’t whether we are making our enemies mad. The question is, what are we doing to make our enemies learn never to make us mad.”
(quotes obtained and edited together by me from the AP & Houston Chronicle)

Obama would have us believe we are not at war with Islam and that simply denuding the Muslim  tree of the evil fruit and branches is sufficient remedy. Were we only concerned with mainstream Islam this might be true. This however does not take into account Radical Fundamentalist Islam, the religion of Al Qaeda which in my opinion bears as much resemblance to Islam as the Inquisition does to a Catholic’s Confession! I am reminded of the following quotation I have kept for some time now.  (In it I see elements of the philosophy espoused in Matthew 7: 17 – 19 but to date I have been unable, despite frequently seeing this quote all over the internet, find out who said it.)

“An evil tree bears evil fruit. You can destroy as much fruit as you want, but it will always grow back and it will always be evil. Tear the tree from the ground by the root and burn it. Burn it to ash and grind out the embers with your boot until nothing is left, not a single spark, not a single seed. This is how you deal with evil.”

Radical Fundamentalist Islam is an evil tree! NO good can ever be born of it.  In order to have stability, safety, security and peace in the Middle East, as well as the rest of the world, it must not be allowed to flourish but hunted down wherever it grows. It must be ruthlessly eradicated lest it return to afflict us again with its malevolent fruit of intolerance, hatred oppression, and discrimination.

Is this a popular job? Nope not in the least. Dirty nasty, filthy, business? Most assuredly. Likely to be over anytime soon? Given the scope of the infection and the difficulty of finding the evil tress to rip them all out, definitely not. Could someone else do this? Yes probably, but then seriously, who are we REALLY going to trust to do such a nasty unpleasant and unpopular job, seeing it all the way through to the last seed is burned and its ashes ground to dust? Any nominees? Any at all? Seriously just one? Didn’t think so!

Our government at the highest levels recognizes the potential for retaliation. We should all do the same. While we celebrate, let us be forever vigilant that Al-Qaeda and evil are far from dead. Only the head of the serpent has been removed. The venom remains as potent and toxic as ever.

I AM the Lethal Leprechaun and I say, “Life, Liberty the Pursuit of Anyone or Anything that threatens it or us, until we eradicate it from the face of the earth like an unwanted medical affliction .”

I know this has been a rather lengthy Last Word (but let’s face it it is a historical event worthy of one) however I would be remiss if I did not make one final point about this accomplishment. In order to be as short as possible I will fall back on using a picture worth a thousand words to make my point.

Thanks to Graciemj for helping me make this final point so eloquently and tersely. Which is we, and ESPECIALLY President Obama, should give credit where credit is due. It seems only fair after all since Obama is so quick to credit his predecessor for all his failings that he give the credit due Bush for doing the lion’s share of the work for his major success.

 
Osama Bin Laden is dead.  High praise to the men and women who got it done, and who got it done without losing any of their own.  I’m proud of all of you!

But now is not the time for any of us to let our guards down.  I’ve already heard people mumbling about, “now we can bring the troops home.” I’m sorry, but that shouldn’t and probably won’t happen.  And as average Americans, we need to be very much focused on the fact that, most certainly, his followers are going to do something spectacularly stupid.  The problem is, that when they do something stupid, innocent lives seem to get taken at the same time.

Be vigilant, aware of your surroundings and know what your family is doing and where they are.  The biggest and most important thing you can do, is keep your eyes open.  See what’s really there, not what your eyes expect to see.  If it’s out of place, or feels wrong, then it probably is wrong.

Don’t let the bastards win through our own complacency. 

You might ask, “Impish, are we still talking about terrorists or are we now talking about politics?”

My answer?  I kinda figured they were both about the same.  Remember: DO NOT let the bastards win through our own complacency.  Open your eyes.

Okay, I gotta find that darn coffee nurse.  Lethal hired a new medical person the other day and her job is to give me my coffee through an IV every day.  Well, she did fine this morning, but this first IV bag is empty and I can’t find her anywhere.  I really dislike eating new employees on the first day….why don’t you guys go ahead and start laughing without me and I’ll catch up in a few minutes.

Sounds like the same people who are running my career field….and most of the government as well.  Still can’t find the nurse.

Ron and Kim were doing some shopping. Having purchased everything they needed, they returned to the parking lot to drive home.

“Where’s the car? Good golly, someone has stolen it!”

They notified the police from a phone booth inside the mall and made a report at the Police station. A young detective drove them back to see if any evidence remained from the scene of the crime. But, what do you know, there is the stolen car, back in the exact spot! A note is on the windshield with two tickets to a concert attached. The note thanks the young couple for the use of their car, but the culprit’s wife was about to give birth and had to be rushed to the hospital.

The young couple’s faith in humanity is restored and they go to the concert and have a wonderful time. They arrive home late that night to find their entire house robbed, with a note on the door reading, “Well, I gotta put the kid through college, don’t I?”

I know, I know, but I just had to run this picture again.  Randal Spangler is a MASTER at the cute dragon.  His website (http://www.randalspangler.com/) is a fun place where dragons play baseball with chocolate chip cookies being the bases and fairies flit around the library of the master.  One of those sites that you could sit at for hours and hours and still not see it all.  His pictures are all for sale and they are quite interesting, all.  I highly recommend the site.

Now, I have to go find that nurse.  Seems there are some voices coming from Lethal’s office.  It’s a bit early for him to be in yet…I wonder…

Two matronly sisters lived together and managed a farm.  All their lives they had both had an extreme fear of thunder storms and lightning.

One day one of the sisters was visiting a neighbor, and while walking home was caught in a severe thunder storm. Lightning was streaking across the sky and thunder was booming all around. Totally terrified, she ran to a nearby haystack and buried her head in the hay like an ostrich, so she could not see the lightning or hear the thunder.

With her head buried in the hay, her rear end was exposed, and the wind blew her dress up exposing a long unused part of her anatomy.

Along came the local stud, and seeing the poor soul’s predicament, he did the only thing a well endowed stud would do in such a situation.

After fully satisfying himself he zipped up his pants and went on his merry way.

Soon the sister pulled her head out of the haystack and rushed home, calling to her sister,

“Sissy, Sissy, let me tell you something! I was just hit by lightning… and we never have to be afraid again!!!!!!”

To our friends who may not understand the passion we feel for planes and particularly planes from WW11, this is Fifi. It is the only flying B-29 Strato Fortress in the world. This is one of the combat airplanes that flew from Iwo Jima, Saipan, Tinian islands to bomb Japan and help win the war.  It was usually escorted by P-51 Mustangs to protect her from enemy fighters, but many thousands of planes and aircrews were lost fighting for our country.

 
This happened at a time in history before we had long range missiles and electronics.  These planes were flown by men from our farms and cities who left their families at home and risked their lives in high altitude gun fights.  It was up close, brutal and extremely dangerous but they risked it all to protect our country.  Many never came home again.  We love, respect and honor all of our veterans.  But we also have a love affair with the planes.  It is a permanent addiction for us so we preserve these wonderful aircraft so you can see and experience the marvelous machines that preserved our freedom.

 
We have completely rebuilt this aircraft and those powerful prop engines to bring Fifi back to life.  It took years to accomplish, many thousands of donated dollars and thousands of hours of work by many unpaid volunteers to make this happen so that everyone can share this important part of our history.  This is a unique flying museum.

 
If you get a chance to see her at an air show, don’t pass up the chance.  You are watching history and she is the only one left out of thousands.  This is truly a rare aircraft.  Enjoy the video.

 
Col. Tom Leo
Golden Gate Wing
Someone did a nice job of filming Fifi , the only flying B-29 .
http://vimeo.com/17388627

Keeping with the Randal Spangler theme…yes, I know they’re dragons, but they are also VERY fitting.  Especially to today

Feeling weaker…need my IV.

And now we have a new player on the scene.  This one is from Rick Rose…and it’s a stinker!

The great German actress Brunhilda Von Divagruber had achieved everything she wanted in life but for one honor: She’d never won an Academy Award.

One day she was called by the great director Meyer Schmidtenlager and asked to review a new script he had. She read the script and immediately rejected it. “Iss nicht my type of script, Meyer, and I’ll not do it.”

 
“But honeykins,” he cried, “it’s a wonderful script.”

 
“I didn’t say it vasn’t vunderful or goot, but I’ll not do it.”

 
“But sweetiekins,” Meyer continued, “with my direction and your acting and name, the film will make us millions.”

 
“More geldt I don’t need. Ich do nicht like the script.”

 
“But, darling, don’t you see? With my connections, I can almost guarantee you an Academy Award for your performance.”

 
Brunhilda thought a moment then agreed, musing, “Oh, I’d luff to be an Oscar winner, Meyer!”

 

 

Again, as many of you know, I belong to the Air Force Emergency Management Association.  Recently they sent out this email:

Although May and June are normally the peak period for tornadoes, the recent super tornado outbreak on Wednesday, Apr 27 that impacted multiple states is now the deadliest outbreak of tornadoes to hit us since before the depression. The number of deaths now tops 300.  The only rival so far is the 1925 “Tri-State Tornado” that ripped through the upper Midwest on a 219 mile track, killing over 700 people.

On Wednesday, at least 164 tornadoes tore across a region that stretched from Mississippi to Virginia, flattening homes, flipping over cars and leaving a trail of destruction. See the Preliminary Tornado Tracks from the storms.

AccuWeather.com said more than 900 tornadoes had been reported since April 1 in an onslaught of severe thunderstorms that has spawned flooding and deadly twisters in parts of the Midwest and Southeast.  “This could turn out to be one of the worst years for severe weather and tornadoes in history,” said Dan Kottlowski, expert senior meteorologist for AccuWeather.com. He said the weather phenomenon known as La Nina was making it easier for cold air that normally sits over the Northern United States to move deeper into the warmer South, a clash that frequently triggers more storm activity

Here’s a picture that the link takes you to.  For a more detailed copy of this picture, follow the link above or the picture itself…if I did it right, lol.

Pretty friggin’ wild!

I’m pretty sure this is an oldie, but you gotta love the logic and ingenuity involved here:

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I’VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:
‘I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it.  I’m scared.  I think I’m going crazy.’
‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..’
‘How much do you charge?’
‘Eighty dollars per visit,’ replied the doctor.
‘I’ll sleep on it,’ I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.. ‘Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?’ he asked.
‘Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!’
‘Is that so!’ With a bit of an attitude he said, ‘and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?’
‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed! – Ain’t nobody under there now!!!’

FORGET THE SHRINKS..
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!
May your troubles be less, Your blessings be more,
And nothing but happiness come through your door!

 

One Liners worthy of a rimshot!

My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

I won’t say I was a slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.


After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn’t wash my shorts for a month.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

I drew a gun. He drew a gun. I drew another gun. Soon we were
surrounded by lovely drawings of guns.

We’ve got stained glass windows in our house. It’s those damned pigeons.

I found my nurse….sitting on Lethal’s lap.  She immediately got up to get another IV bag, so I suppose it’s okay.  But, she did say the strangest thing, as soon as she saw me she blurted out, “How can you still be alive?”  Then Lethal shushed her and she got another IV, although she was shaking a bit.  I must really look bad in the morning…
That’s what she was talking about, right?

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke….. And well worth the wait!

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, ‘Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.’

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, ‘Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.’

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ‘ Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too…’

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said, ‘If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!’

The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, ‘I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.’

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife. The blonde’s wife said, ‘Don’t look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.’

 

This new coffee IV feels kind of funny.  Not sure of the coffee brand, but they’ve got the coolest logo for their company.  Looks like this:

Now THAT’S some awesome coffee!

 

Love the way she cuts to an early commercial when she’s called out.   He didn’t make an ass out of this “reporter,” she did it all by herself.  This man knows exactly what’s going on over there (and here.)   Former CIA Analyst Michael Scheuer, YOU ROCK!!

Former CIA Analyst Michael Scheuer Schools CNN Host

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDVt_hSo_EU&feature=player_embedded

And I love the fact that he calls out both the democrats AND the republicans for being in people’s business where they have no business being.

The police recently busted a man selling “secret formula” tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.

He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983….

 

 

I have this exact same problem!  Sigh.  Life is NOT fair.

A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.  Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, “I don’t think that’s going to help.”
       “Sure it will.” he said.  “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

 

 

Why?  Just….why?

Gangsta has really changed.  Not sure I could handle being young anymore.

Believe it or not, this is an invention that is supposed to keep you alive during a fire.  Not sure how healthy that air is going to be, nor how long it will last, but the theory, at least, is there.  Can I just say, “YUCK!”

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.  Lo and behold, that horse — a very long shot — won the race..
       Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track.  Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
       Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.  Again, even though it was another longshot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
       Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race.  The priest again blessed a horse.
       Mitch bet big on it, and it won.  Mitch was elated..
       As the races continued the priest kept blessing longshot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
       By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money.  By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.  He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest’s blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
       True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.  Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears and hooves of the old nag.  Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
       He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last.  Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.  Confronting the old priest he demanded, “Father! What happened?  All day long you blessed horses and they all won.  Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile.  Now, thanks to you I’ve lost every cent of my savings — all of it!”
       The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.  “Son,” he said, “that’s the problem with you Protestants; you can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.”

As a foreman for a construction company, my friend, John, was interviewing an applicant.  He asked the plasterer to bring his tools in so he could see what he could do.  The fellow returned with tools slung over his shoulder and hanging from his pockets, and in one hand he was holding an unidentifiable object covered in plaster.  John asked what it was.
       “My radio,” the chap answered.
       “All right,” said John, “you can start tomorrow.”
       The applicant looked surprised.  “That’s it?  You don’t want to see what I can do?”
       “Any plaster man who has a radio looking like that one,” John said, “must have put in at least three years of work.”

Well, writing the rest of this from the infirmary.  Seems my coffee had gone bad!  Can you imagine?  What are the odds of the nurse that Lethal just hired for me, that I found sitting on his lap in his office, who was frightened when she saw me alive, and got me a new bag of IV coffee and it turned out to have spoiled.  Hmm, what are the odds?  What a long shot!  I sure play the lottery with those kinds of odds working in my favor.  It sure is a good thing that Dragons are immune to all poisons and potions.  Not many people know that and even fewer know that that also means we are immune to almost all food products that have gone bad, or turned. 
Sure is Lucky For Me.
Yup, Sure is.

How about a tribute to a Marine who took an impossible shot…and lived to tell about it.  I think it’s a fitting and apt ending to today’s crazy issue.

Sgt. survives sniper round to the head

By Brian Shane – Staff writer
Posted : Tuesday Apr 5, 2011 5:08:53 EDT

Manning the top of a compound south of Sangin, Afghanistan, Sgt. Paul Boothroyd III took a sniper round to the head. He landed face down onto the muddy roof with a thud.

Fifteen minutes later, Boothroyd was bandaged, smiling, smoking a cigarette and giving the “thumbs up” as he waited for the medevac helicopter, to which he walked under his own power.

It’s a “you-gotta-be-kidding-me” story that earned Boothroyd, a signals intelligence operator with 2nd Radio Battalion, a new call sign from his team members: Headshot.

“It was a one-in-a-million shot that the sniper was even able to hit me,” he said in an interview with Marine Corps Times, “and a one-in-a-million chance that the bullet didn’t destroy my brain. It wasn’t my time.”

Early March 4 in Helmand province, Boothroyd, attached to the 26th Marine Expeditionary Unit, was on a rooftop providing over-watch for a local security patrol. It was his first deployment. Insurgents opened fire, “and I got hit by the first bullet,” he said.

The bullet pierced his helmet. The Kevlar caught and turned the round, he said, “so instead of going in and thrashing my skull,” it entered through the neck and lodged itself above and behind his right ear.

“It was like being hit by a train,” he recalled. “I remember what I was doing. I remember being hit, then I was face down in the mud on top of the building. I really wasn’t terribly concerned because I could hear bullets whipping above me, but I still had the presence of mind not to stand up. I thought, ‘Well, I don’t have any brain damage, at least at this point.’ ”

“My lieutenant pulled me to the edge of the roof so they could take a look at me,” he added. “I got a little upset when they were pulling my Kevlar off. I said, ‘Hey, if that’s holding my brain together, I’m going to be upset if you take it off.’”

The corpsman examining him found the bullet behind his ear. Now he hopes to keep it as a memento.

Boothroyd, 22, said his survival came down to the single-digit millimeters separating the 7.62x54mm Dragunov sniper round from his spinal column and its main arteries.

Boothroyd’s firefight was one many Marines have faced in Helmand province’s Sangin district, which has become one of Afghanistan’s most violent and casualty-heavy arenas.

Two days after the incident, Boothroyd was transported to National Naval Medical Center Bethesda, Md. Surgeons on March 16 removed the bullet with no complications. Boothroyd received the Purple Heart for his combat injury.

“It’s one of those things where I feel like I’ve been given an unearned vacation,” he said of his 30-day recovery. “In the surgical ward, I was only one of two gunshot wounds. Everyone else, they’re all guys who have lost legs to [improvised explosive devices]. I look at those guys, and I think, ‘Do I really deserve a Purple Heart compared to these guys?’ ”

Meanwhile, the Marine Corps and Army continue to test a new, stronger helmet to better combat enemy bullets, including 7.62 rounds.

Boothroyd said he hopes to return to Afghanistan for a second deployment this fall, if possible. In the meantime, he’ll convalesce at home through mid-April with his immediate family, his wife, Ashley, and 2-year-old son, Paul IV, in Midland, Mich., before returning to his battalion at Camp Lejeune, N.C.

“The neurosurgeon says he’s miraculously fortunate,” said the Marine’s mother, Carol Boothroyd. “It hasn’t damaged his enthusiasm for, frankly, going back or anything. He really loves the Marine Corps. We’re just really, really thankful that he’s OK and he walked away from this.”

 

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BEFORE WE GET STARTED LET ME ON BEHALF OF DRAGONLAFFS SAY TO OUR TROOPS WHO-YA! SEMPER FREAKING FI GUYS! OSAMA BIN LADEN IS DEAD AND WE HAVE HIS MANGEY FLEA BITTEN RAGGIDY BULLET RIDDEN ASS TO PROVE IT!  OUTSTANDING JOB GUYS!

AFTER 9 YEARS 7 MONTHS AND 20 DAYS DING-DONG THE BIG BAD TOWEL HEAD IS GONE!

[We now return you to our regular programing]

Groan! Not Monday again. Bah! Yeah I know what I said about the differences between me and the dragon on Friday and its still true I’m not pissin’ and moanin’ about the morn’ being here, just the fact that its MONDAY morn again. See there IS a difference there. You know what the basic problems with weekends are?

• They take too long to get to. I mean seriously, I have to wait 5 more days for another one? What is up with that? Who’s brilliant arrangement was this?
• Weekends are only 48 hours long. The rest of the week is 120 hours. Does this seem like a fair division of time to you? It doesn’t to me!
• They all end in Mondays, the beginnings of which come far too early in the day. If you have had any sort of a decent weekend at all. Of course its different if you are ImpishDragon who defines the crack of dawn as noon when his blood shot eyes first crack open and he mumbles 2 things “LETHAL!! Coffee!  PLEASE HAVE MERCY! I need coffee now!” followed by (half a 2 gallon cup later), “Did I miss breakfast yet?”

Think about it while you laugh but I think the the entire weekend thing needs a totally revamping.

[That’s a Caffeine Molecule…the source of all intelligent life…especially when it relates to Dragons!]

How Gullible Are We?

[Granted in Impish’s case it’s a rhetorical question!]

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High School won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmist practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical “Dihydrogen monoxide.”

And for plenty of good reasons, since it can:

1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting

2. it is a major component in acid rain

3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state

4. accidental inhalation can kill you.

5. it contributes to erosion

6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes

7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical Dihydrogen, monoxide. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was really… water.

The title of his prize winning project was, “How Gullible Are We?” The conclusion is obvious.

~Author Unknown~

MURDER AT WALMART

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed. A ‘friend of a friend’ put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of ‘Artie.’ Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money. Artie
insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened
his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Super Wal-Mart
store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded
to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman
drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce
department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to
leave any living witnesses behind, ol’ Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store’s security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. The next day in the
newspaper, the headline declared…

(You’re going to hate me for this…)

‘ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!’

Oh, quit groaning! I don’t write this stuff, I receive it from warped readers like Paul Bader and then send it on to you.

NY case underscores Wi-Fi privacy dangers
By CAROLYN THOMPSON, Associated Press – 04/24/2011

BUFFALO, N.Y. – Lying on his family room floor with assault weapons trained on him, shouts of “pedophile!” and “pornographer!” stinging like his fresh cuts and bruises, the Buffalo homeowner didn’t need long to figure out the reason for the early morning wake-up call from a swarm of federal agents.

That new wireless router. He’d gotten fed up trying to set a password. Someone must have used his Internet connection, he thought.

“We know who you are! You downloaded thousands of images at 11:30 last night,” the man’s lawyer, Barry Covert, recounted the agents saying. They referred to a screen name, “Doldrum.”

“No, I didn’t,” he insisted. “Somebody else could have but I didn’t do anything like that.”

“You’re a creep … just admit it,” they said.

Law enforcement officials say the case is a cautionary tale. Their advice: Password-protect your wireless router.

Plenty of others would agree. The Sarasota, Fla. man, for example, who got a similar visit from the FBI last year after someone on a boat docked in a marina outside his building used a potato chip can as an antenna to boost his wireless signal and download an astounding 10 million images of child porn, or the North Syracuse, N.Y., man who in December 2009 opened his door to police who’d been following an electronic trail of illegal videos and images. The man’s neighbor pleaded guilty April 12.

[Article continues here: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110424/ap_on_hi_te/us_wi_fi_warning]

Having wireless capability is great. For the longest time the only one in our house with it was Molly. I was a desktop computer man and a fanatical wired connection devotee. Nobody eaves dropping on my internet surfing via a wireless signal for THIS computer security specialist!

Then when I got my new lap top a few months ago, we decided to make some changes in our home office/guest room where I had been working out of which required me to disconnect the old desk top for a while. No problem I could use the new lap top and learn Windows 7 via ‘forced immersion” but (horror of horrors) this also meant letting got of my beloved Cat 5 hard wire connection! Argh! My security! Would someone I didn’t want to have access to my network? Was my archive of compromising Dragon photos safe?

As it turns out after checking some sites and doing a little reading and poking about it was because I was running a closed secure network with the security option already set to either WPA or WPA2 by the providers installer. I took things one step farther at that point and reset the default passphrase to one that was long enough to be nearly unbreakable by hackers but easy enough for both Molly and I to remember.

To check these settings and change your default ISP issues passphrase I suggest you contact your Internet Service Providers Help Desk as you risk messing up your router seriously if you are not familiar with them and comfortable with how they work and what the different settings mean.

A few minutes of prevention could well spell the difference between security and peace of mind vs a 2 AM search & arrest warrant serving SWAT team nightmare!

Also if your router (they are usually provided by your ISP as part of the deal) is older than 5 years ask about getting a new one. The new ones are faster and have the better WAP or WPA2 security option as opposed to the old WEP option. Impish ran into this situation for different reasons a few months back and it seems if you don’t occasionally squeak loudly as you roll along the information superhighway, you don’t get the oil of upgrading. Provider say no? Ask for their supervisor. Many times this is enough to get the tune to change as the base level CSR are not authorized to send you a new one but will not tell you that. Still not getting one? Mark it down and remember to make an issue of it comes to new contract time. When they find out you are willing to leave and go elsewhere to get a new more secure and faster Router you’d be surprised how reasonable the retention people can be!

Me McGoogles are aching and twinging like they were drop kicked just looking at that pose!

5 PEARLS OF IRISH WISDOM TO REMEMBER

1. Money cannot buy happiness but…somehow, it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle…

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard’s name.

3. Help a man when he is in trouble & he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it’s BLOODY illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.

I know there must be some Irish in me – – but maybe it’s just what I had for a nightcap.

Today’s Last Word comes to us courtesy of K-Squared. When I saw that this guy is a frequent guest host of the Rush Limbaugh radio program I have to admit my finger was hovering over the delete key. Rush has publicly stated that his program is not about intelligent discourse its about taking any side or angle so extreme as to generate disharmony and controversy so as to promote ratings!  Unfortunately too many of the people who also think Professional Wrestling is real and unscripted also listen to Rush taking his words as gospel and allowing him to do their thinking for them.

However knowing that Karl usually doesn’t steer me wrong as he thinks  fairly much in step with Impish and myself I figured to skim at least the first couple of paragraphs before consigning the e-mail to electronic oblivion.

While fact checking this as I try always to do before posting something with a person’s name attached to it I found that is is in fact incorrectly attributed to Dr. Williams and that this was done mistakenly by the original posting concern.

http://econfaculty.gmu.edu/wew/RiteOn.orgApology.pdf

http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/nomatterwhat.asp

(Consequently I have removed the errant references to Dr. Williams so as not to perpetuate the problem of misattribution as we here at DragonLaffs try our best to only present true and accurate facts.)

Regardless of who wrote this the more I read the article more frightened I became. The logic used to state his case is not only elegantly simple but spot on and anyone knowing anything about human nature and modern society will find it damned hard to refute. I fervently hope this guy has it all wrong, but something tells me that sadly his words may well be all to prophetic regarding the 2012 election. To me personally that is as frightening a thought as the scariest Stephen King novel coming to life.

No Matter What (Obama Does A Full Eight Years)

Can President Obama be defeated in 2012?… No. He can’t.

I am going on record as saying that President Barack Obama will win a second term.

The media won’t tell you this because a good election campaign means hundreds of millions (or in Obama’s case billions) of dollars to them in advertising.

But the truth is, there simply are no conditions under which Barack Obama can be defeated in 2012:

The quality of the Republican candidate doesn’t matter. Obama gets re-elected.

Nine percent unemployment? No problem. Obama will win.

Gas prices moving toward five dollars a gallon? He still wins.

The economy soars or goes into the gutter. Obama wins.

War in the Middle East? He wins a second term.

America’s role as the leading Superpower disappears? Hurray for Barack Obama!

The U.S. government rushes toward bankruptcy, the dollar continues to sink on world markets and the price of daily goods and services soars due to inflation fueled by Obama’s extraordinary deficit spending? Obama wins handily.

“You are crazy. Don’t you understand how volatile politics can be when overall economic, government, and world conditions are declining?”

Sure I do. And that’s why I know Obama will win.

The American people are notoriously ignorant of economics. And economics is the key to why Obama SHOULD be defeated.

Even when Obama’s policies lead the nation to final ruin, the majority of the American people are going to believe the bait-and-switch tactics Obama and his supporters in the media will use to explain why it isn’t his fault. After all, things were much worse than understood when he took office.

Obama’s reelection is really a very, very simple math problem. Consider the following:

1) Blacks will vote for Obama blindly. Period. Doesn’t matter what he does. It’s a race thing. He’s one of us.

2) College educated women will vote for Obama. Though they will be offended by this: they swoon at his oratory. It’s really not more complex than that.

3) Liberals will vote for Obama.. He is their great hope.

4) Democrats will vote for Obama. He is the leader of their party and his coat tails will carry them to victory nationwide.

5) Hispanics will vote for Obama. He is the path to citizenship for those who are illegal and Hispanic leaders recognize the political clout they carry in the Democratic Party.

6) Union members will vote overwhelmingly for Obama. He is their key to money and power in business, state and local politics.

7) Big Business will support Obama. They already have. He has almost $1 billion dollars in his re-election purse gained largely from his connections with Big Business and is gaining more everyday. Big Business loves Obama because he gives them access to taxpayer money so long as they support his social and political agenda.

8) The media love him. They may attack the people who work for him, but they love him. After all, to not love him would be racist.

9) Most other minorities and special interest groups will vote for him. Oddly, the overwhelming majority of Muslims will support him because they won’t vote Republican. American Indians will support him. Obviously homosexuals tend to vote Democratic. And lastly,

10) Approximately half of independents will vote for Obama. And he doesn’t need anywhere near that number because he has all of the groups previously mentioned. The President will win an overwhelming victory in 2012.

Now ‘lest this Last Word give all you Liberals and Dems false hope, fear not we are NOT going to stop discussing alternative candidates to Obama, we are NOT going to stop fighting his reelection and MOST OF ALL, we will NOT stop pointing out the incredible stupidity and epic damage of his actions and policies!

P.S. Karl? Thanks for all the nightmares over the next two years pal!

Good morning …. er … Good Afternoon Campers!  Although it’s got to be morning, somewhere, let’s be fair.  It’s afternoon here, even if just barely, so afternoon it is.  Good Afternoon Campers!  I know a lot of you were looking forward to your Dragon Laffs to have with your coffee before you had to go out and run chores, shovel snow, clean the gutters or toil in a gang-infested laundry.  There are more forces at work here than are readily apparent to the naked eye.  So, while I try to get the damn dwarves up out of the cellars, where Lethal conveniently, “gave them the day off as soon as they were done working for you this weekend”, all the dwarves heard was “day off” and now they’re all drunk!  If I can get them to run the presses without printing today’s issue out on the unconscious bodies of their drunken brethren, then you will have Dragon Laffs delivered directly into your mail boxes! So, while I work out the details, why don’t you…

Okay, so it’s Saturday…and it’s late…and we REALLY need something cute

There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers and the boss had to choose between a team of Aggies (Texas A&M) and a team of Irish guys.

So, the boss met with both teams and said: “Here’s what we’ll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job.”

Both teams headed right out.

At the end of the shift, the Irish guys came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed, and they said that it was
tough going, but they’d put in twelve.

Forty-five minutes later, the Aggies came back in and they were totally exhausted. The boss said, “Well, how many poles did you guys install?”

The team leader wiped his brow and sighed, “We got three in.”

The boss gasped, “Three?  Those Irish guys put in twelve!”

“Yeah,” said the Aggie leader, “but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground!”

 

Now Diaman is getting in on the act!  Have you people no shame!
After a cold winter, will deciduous trees be releaved?

Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.

The World’s Luckiest Soldier
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GjHVMxkodio 

Another Oldie, but goodie

Grandma & Grandpa
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, “I don’t think you should  take one Dad; they’re very strong and very expensive.”
“How much?” asked Grandpa.
“$10 a pill,” Answered the son.
“I don’t care,” said Grandpa, “I’d still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I’ll put the money under the pillow.”
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, “I told you each pill was $10, not $110.
“I know,” said Grandpa. “The hundred is from Grandma!”

 

Understanding the dynamics of an accident
Have you ever driven by a crash and looked and tried to figure out how it happened?  Pretty common, right?  Did you know that there are specialists in this field who study vehicle damage, skid marks, road conditions and a myriad of other things to explain how an accident has happened.
Sometimes though, it isn’t easy to figure out how this happened:

 

And other times the explanation is readily apparent:

Yup…that’d do it.

Seems as though we have a plethora of these today…

Harvey’s grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, “Vat sims to be ze problem?”
Harvey says, “I’m not sure, but it doesn’t go ‘tick-tock-tick-tock’ anymore. Now it just goes ‘tick…tick…tick.'”
The old man says, “Mmmm-Hm!” and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over to the grandfather clock. He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, “Ve haf vays of making you tock!”

It was cold and flu season. The Rabbi was not happy with the constant coughing disturbing his sermons so he decided to call on old Abe to help him solve the problem.

Comes the next Saturday morning, the Rabbi gave old Abe a bowl of cough drops and instructions to give to a cough drop to any congregation member who was coughing.

So following his Rabbi’s orders, every time a member coughed, old Abe walked over and gave them a cough drop.

The Rabbi noticed that each time he did this, the member then stood up left the sermon. At the end of the service, half of the members were gone.

After services the Rabbi calls old Abe at home and asked what he said to the members that made them leave the hall.

Old Abe says, “So vat did I say ? … All that I said wuz, ‘the Rabbi said for cough!'”

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten greatgrandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.

Instead she sat back and said, “If there’s anything you want to know, just ask me.”

College Exam for Football Players
       Time Limit: One Month
       1.  What language is spoken in France?
       2.  Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre
Trudeau.
       3.  Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
(a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY
       4. What religion is the Pope?
       (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one)
       5.  Metric conversion.  How many feet is 0.0 meters?
       6.  What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
(a) Bed time (b) 5:00 (c) am or pm? (d) Happy hour
       7.  How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
       8.  What are people in America’s far north called?
(a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners (d) foreigners
       9.  Spell — Bush, Carter and Clinton
       10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth.  Name the previous five.
       11.  Where does rain come from?
       (a) Macy’s (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky (e) Prince
       12. Can you explain Einstein’s Theory of Relativity?
       (a) yes (b) no (c) He wasn’t my relative
       13. What are coat hangers used for?
       14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
       15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- Just spell  your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
       16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
       17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
       (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Europe
      18. Advanced math.
       If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
       19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?
       20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
       (a) B.C. (b) A.D. (c) still waiting
*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify to play.

The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft.  “Obviously the Air Force knows there’s no such thing as a ‘perfectly good aircraft,'” the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, “because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump.”
       “You’ve got it all wrong, Major,” an Air Force sergeant replied.  “The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch about the salary.”

 

What it’s like being a Mets Fan:

Scene:  The checkout line at the supermarket where I work.
       Me:  “Paper or plastic?”
       Male customer:  “I’d like double-bagged paper, and I’d like you to make each bag as heavy as possible.”
       Me:  “Okay.”
       Customer:  “In case you’re wondering, I had a fight with my wife, and it’s my turn to pick up the groceries.”
       Me:  “Uh-huh, sir.”
       Customer:  “It’s also HER turn to unload the car!

 

The woman taking my order at a fast-food restaurant was about twenty-five.  She was attractive and had a bubbly personality and a warm smile.  Even though I’m forty-five, I felt there was “chemistry” between us.  Before I walked away from the counter to sit down, we made eye contact and again exchanged smiles.
       Eating my burger, I glanced at my receipt.  It turned out she had given me the senior-citizen discount.  Bitch!

As to today’s Last Word.  I have to be honest with you.  This is the second time I am writing this article, having the first one mysteriously “disappeared” this morning.  Seems as though a certain number of electrons didn’t “survive” the evening last night and decided they were going to leave town and join the circus.  Or at least that is the story that my head editor would have me believe.  Well, as an understanding boss as I am, I’m sure that’s highly possible, and although I wish those electrons a very happy career in the circus, it does force me to recreate the following article.  Oddly enough, it also happens to open up the job of head editor here at Dragon Laffs Industries.  I hope the old editor has a highly satisfying job at the … um … dog food factory, where he now has gone to toil.

So, maybe the guy who wrote Lethal this letter would like the job ….

Sir or Madam,

Okay, stop right there!  Sir or Madam?  This guy has got to be a real new guy if he doesn’t even know that we are both guys! 

First, I must say that I LOVE Dragon Laffs — I read every word every day.

Well, that kind of shoots the whole “new guy” theory all to hell.  Right down the drain…

But, at the risk of seeming to be a nit-picker, there are a couple things I must note. I have held the position of “Editor” for several publications in my lifetime and some errors just jump off the page.

Today you wrote: “part of the Welfare Reform Act this country is WAY over do for” and you should know that the word you needed was “overdue,” not the erroneous “over do.” In the past you have also spelled the word “lose” as “loose,” an altogether too common a mistake these days, but the use of which is a pet peeve of mine!

Oh lord, another one of these letters.

You are writing for a public, and you should be aware that your spell-checker will not catch these mistakes because it does not consider the context — only that “over,” “do” and “loose” are, in fact, English words (as are “overdue” and “lose,” I hasten to mention) even though you may have used them incorrectly.

Yeah, you’re right or should I say your write….sure, some of us make spelling errors because we’re righting so fast, we miss the obvious and are spell checker doesn’t catch it.  So, we rely on our high priced editorial staff to catch all those errors before printing, since we are, after all, only the artistic talent.  And maybe you think we should be fired because we’re not worth the money if we can’t catch all those silly mistakes.  And maybe you’re right.  Except….well….Lethal put it SO MUCH better than I can… I’ll let his answer suffice… but also know that people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones…this guy is gonna write to us and bitch about “editorial minutia” and the subject of his missive? “Wriring” which I’m sure was supposed to be “Writing”.

Thank you for the time and effort you put into your blog.

Yours, a faithful reader,

Now, I read Lethal’s response and begged him to let me use it in my Last Word.  Not only is it funnily appropriate, but it allows me, with very little effort, to put out a GREAT Last Word…so here it is: