Morning Readers,

Yup its finally Friday which means the weekend draws near once again. Saints be praised and Baileys in everyone’s coffee on the Dragon! (If that doesn’t wake him up and get his heart going nothing is going to!)

OK OK quiet down you rowdy rabble ya or I’ll have the hoses turned on the like o’ ya! “Tis sumthin’ ta say I have!

As Impish said yesterday GMTA yadda yadda yadda and we occasionally wind up stealing each others planned jokes and/or graphics. Occasionally this even extends to Last Word subjects. see I called Impish Wednesday night after watching Monday’s episode of The Daily Show With John Stewart with Molly. We record it because its on at an inconvenient time for us and wind up watching it a day late. Confess I must I usually watch it to be polite to Molly but lately more and more I have been coming around to her point of view regarding the show and its merits. ‘Twas from John I learn about this Sterns jackass and the unjust slap in the face he was giving those 9/11 Ground Zero Heroes.

When I alerted Impish to this travesty I figured he already had a Last word in the can for today’s issue given it was like 8PM his time and that at best he might get it out as a Last Word on Saturday. I chose not to use it because I already had my next couple largely written. See one of our biggest problems is not finding things to be outraged about or Last Word worthy but rather finding time to write about all the tings we DO find worthy and space to include them in a timely manner and while still topical.

The more I thought about it the more I decided I was going to write a Last Word on it for today and offer to give Impish one of the ones I had mostly finished to make up for it. I opened Thursdays issue to see I was too late Impish had already struck while iron and ire were both hot and done a damned fine job too…as far as he went. IMHO he left out one thing. Probably not because he wasn’t thinking it but more likely because he is not me. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but a key difference between Impish and myself (others are covered below see the Introspection today) is that I’m not afraid to call a spade a spade and say what it is everyone is really privately thinking. To wit:

HEAR YE HEAR YE BY THESE PRESENTS Know ye all members, guests and friends of the Lethal Leprechaun, Impish Dragon and Dragon Laffs et al, that we hereby do award and invest the Right Dishonorable and Contemptuous Buffoon Rep. Cliff Stearns (R-FL) with the first issuance of our Meritorious Badge of Assholedom for his inane asinine ill conceived over the top symbolic slap in the face to such men and women whom may seek just and long overdue aid and comfort from the James Zadroga 9/11 Health And Compensation Law (9-11 First Responders Act).

SPECIFICALLY : Rep Cliff Stearns (R-FL) added the amendment during the bitter debates over the bill, which provides $4.3 billion in compensation to help workers who fell ill after the attacks. The bill also provides compensation for people who lived or attended school near Ground Zero. Workers will be informed by their medical providers before July that they need to be screened to ensure they are not terrorists.

It is our strongly held belief that not since Janet Napolitano called those opposing illegal immigration, supporting gun rights, and our military all potential terrorists has there been an insult of the American people or American Heroes by our Government of this proportion.

 In our opinions Rep Cliff Stearns distinguished himself in dishonor above all other members of the  House and Senate Committees which finally managed to pass the long overdue bill by treacherously adding this amendment at the last possible moment thereby adding the final insult to already grievous (and in many cases mortal) injuries.

It is our sincere and fervent hope that the people of the 6th Florida Congressional District will be so ashamed and appalled over the behavior and buffoonery of this braying jackass that he will be so soundly defeated in his 2012 re-election bid as to make it an embarrassment that he even ran again.

This presentation ceremony of epic shame is hereby thankfully concluded.

NOW LETS LAUGH

 

ARE YOU TIRED OF SIN?

The sign on the Baptist church in a Texas community read:

“If you’re tired of sin, come on in.”

A ‘lady of the evening’ walked by, read the message, took out her bright red lipstick and wrote below it:

“If not, dial 999-123-4567.”

 

A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the
heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of
one ear.

Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the military and
eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always
sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a
Marine Gunnery Sergeant  for his personal staff.

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great
interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you
notice anything different about me?”

The Master Chief answered, “Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you are
missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your
hearing on that side.”

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of
his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same
question, answered,

“Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.”

The Admiral threw him out also.

The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant . He was
articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two
Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead
with the same question.

“Do you notice anything different about me?”

To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant  said, “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly
tactful Marine. “And how do you know that?” the Admiral asked.

The Gunny replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with
only one fuckin’ ear.”

He SHOULD have said “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with
only one fuckin’ ear.” SIR!

Recently I was asked by a reader how to tell Impish and I apart, what the primary differences was between us. Now this I guess was an understandable question, given that he’s prone to type in blue when making comments where we are both present and me in green. Him being the size of a double-decker bus, purple, possessing  the wing span of a 707, breathing fire and reeking of brimstone. Mean while I’m just clearing 3 feet dressed in green trousers and jacket with gold trim and vest wearing a bowler hat, carry a shelleigh and sport a large red mustache and chin whiskers,  a scent reminiscent of heather, old money, pipe tobacco and Irish whiskey. I can certainly see how we’d be hard to tell apart or easily be mistake for each other. Undoubtedly this has to be confusing for some.

To cut down on the confusion I answered this way, “Somebody has said  there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” (that ‘twould be meself for two reasons; one an Irishman is forced ta speak with the Lord ta talk with an equal, two it scares the bloody hell out of him that I’m up and about and preparing to wreck havoc another day. I also make it a habit ta  greet the Devil in the morning too, pretty much for the same reason, because it scares the bloody hell out of him that I might take a notion to come down and take over meself)  and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.” (which of course would be Impish Dragon greeting the new day. Ta be sure he says a bunch o’ other things too- but they’re mostly profane, pitiful cries for coffee or in Dragonese the language o’ Dragons which really loses something in the translation and is really hard to repeat unless you have a forked tongue or the gift o’ gab. Occasional when he’s really feeling eloquent or severely hung over, he manages all three at he same time.

“Tis me hope this clears up any confusion ya might have been experiencing in telling us apart for the like o’ ya in the future.

 

 

Impish was waiting at the bus stop with his pal Lethal when a truck went by loaded up with rolls of turf.

Impish said, ‘I’m gonna do that when I win lottery.’

‘What’s dat?’ says Lethal.

‘Send my lawn away to be cut,’ says Impish.

Banana Pudding

Ingredients:

2 lb.      bananas, ripe but not mushy
36          vanilla wafers
2 cups   milk
1 can     (14 oz.) sweetened condensed milk (not plain evap.)
1 box    (family-size, 4.6 oz.) cook and serve vanilla pudding mix
1 tsp.     vanilla extract

Directions:

       Slice bananas and layer them with vanilla wafers in a 1-1/2-qt. casserole.  Mix milk and sweetened condensed milk in a saucepan and let get hot over medium heat, but do not let them boil.  Using a wire whisk, stir in pudding mix.  Cook only until pudding begins to thicken.  Remove from heat, add vanilla, pour over bananas and vanilla wafers.  Crush a few extra vanilla wafers and sprinkle them over top.  Serve warm.  Makes 8 servings.

 

Personally I ‘d like to know how he recognizes the odor of a rancid goat liver!

 

 

Ok we had a serious Last Word yesterday and a serious opening today. This is Friday however so I thought a lighter more humorous Last Word would be in order to set the mood for the weekend.

ICE-T on life: There’s no luggage rack on a hearse

 

Next week, Ice-T (aka Tracy Marrow) delivers advice from the street in his new book: ICE: A Memoir of Gangster Life and Redemption — from South Central to Hollywood.

Here’s a peek at a few sage points from a long list at the end of his memoir. To learn how to be a player, read on:

1. Life isn’t about the material things you own. (There’s no luggage rack on a hearse.) It’s about the exceptional experiences you have.

2. As you grow, the game you play gets more advanced. Never let the minor league players pull you back to their level.

3. It’s not about being mad at everything; it’s about being really mad at the right things.

4. A player doesn’t lie to women; his ladies all know what’s up. If you’re lying and sneaking, you’re not a player, you’re a cheater.

5. Sometimes we choose to reject good advice because it’s not what we want to hear. Remember, medicine doesn’t taste good.

6. Slow motion is better than no motion, and low profile is better than no profile.

7. People always hate up. You never think twice about someone below you. It’s the people above you who create envy in you.

8. In the game, spectators, commentators and critics don’t get the trophies — only the players do!

9. You’re only wasting your time trying to tell people how fly you are. If it’s real it’s gonna show.

10. You don’t need a yacht — you just need a friend with a yacht!

 

Good Morning Campers!  What a great issue Lethal Published yesterday.  Whenever I read something and I find that I’m saying, “Hell yeah!” or “I wish I’d written that.” I know that I’ve enjoyed the writer’s voice.  Very nice job my friend.
(Now, will you remove the damn wires from under my carpet, I can’t get anything done, it keeps shorting out my computer!)

I had to “borrow” the picture to the left….it’s just too perfect not to run again.  The funny thing is, and Lethal and I run into this all the time, I had this picture set up and ready to use today anyway.  It’s funny how often we get the same things ready at the same time….GMTA!

Today’s excuse to party: Crew of the HMS Bounty mutinied (1789) “Why did they mutiny?” you may ask.  Well, I may answer that one of the reasons was that the captain cut off the crew’s rum!  So, lift a glass, mug or bottle of your favorite beverage and remember The Bounty!

We don’t need an excuse to laugh.  We have plenty of reason right here.  So what do you say we get this party started?

Let’s Laugh! 

Yup, Bears is ‘tupid, Dragons is not!

Okay, so this one is bound to offend at least a couple of people.  Good on ya Jeannie!

Mrs. Yetta Rosenberg gets off the plane in Miami and, being tired from the flight, goes to the first hotel she sees in order to get a room.  She walks up to the desk and tells the clerk, “I’m Mrs. Yetta Rosenboig, and I desire a room for the night.”
       The clerk looks disdainfully at her and coldly says, “I’m sorry, madam, but our hotel is completely booked.”     Just then, a man with his suitcase in hand, drops his key and a check at the desk, and heads for the door.  “Oy, vot luck, says Mrs. Rosenberg.  “I can take ‘his’ room.”
       “I’m sorry, madam,” says the clerk, “but I thought you understood my meaning.  To be blunt, we do not cater to Jews.”
       “Jews?” exclaims Mrs. Rosenberg.  “So, who’s a Jew? I’m a Cat’lic.”
       In obvious disblief, the clerk asks her, “If you’re a Catholic, then answer this question:  Who is the Son of God?”
       “Dot’s easy,” says Mrs. Rosenberg, “Jesus Christ.”
       The clerk, still not convinced, then asks, “Who was Jesus’ mother and father?”
       “Mary and Joseph,” replies Mrs. Rosenberg, testily.
       Then the clerk asks, “And where was Jesus born?”
       “In a manger in a barn,” answers Mrs. Rosenberg, becoming agitated.
       “And why was Jesus born in a manger in a barn?” asks the clerk.
       “Cause a shmuck like you vouldn’t rent a room to Jews!”

The Artist, Spangler, is one of my favorites.  His dragons are always SO adorable….unlike real life where we’re all rotten so-and-sos

Michelle Obama says her husband, President Obama, has quit smoking. Fox News reported this as ‘Obama Destroying the Tobacco Industry.’ (Craig Ferguson)

 

A group of women were talking together.  One woman said, “Our congregation is sometimes down to 30 or 40 on a Sunday.”
Another said,  “That’s nothing.  Sometimes our congregation is down to six or seven.”
A maiden lady in her seventies added her bit, “It’s so bad in our church now on Sundays that when the minister says ‘dearly beloved,’ it makes me blush.”

“They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a native American, that number is more like 300 million.” -David Letterman

Distilled Logic: If you believe in creation as espoused in the Bible, then Adam and Eve’s children would actually have had to have sex with one another for the earth to have become populated.
This could be used as proof that Alabama was at one time the Garden of Eden.

The site is behind in clicks.  As a group, let’s try and click every day to help women get mammograms who would otherwise not be able to get them.  This link is in every issue of Dragon Laffs.  It’s easy and takes such little effort to help.  File this under the category of “The Least We Can Do.”  Please.  It only takes a minute.

A great golden oldie:

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. So he decides to try it out at dinner. Dad asks his son, “Where were you today during school?”
The son says, “At school.” The Robot slaps son. “Ok, I went to the movies. “
Dad says, “Which one? “
The son says, “Toy Story.” Robot slaps son again. “Ok, it was A Day with a Porn Star.
“Dad says, “WHAT?! When I was your age, I didn’t even know what porn was.” Robot slaps dad.
Mom says, “HAHA!! After all he is your son.” Robot slaps mom.

Just so there is full disclosure, this is Lethal’s cat.  This cat can step dance, river dance and reel.  How is this amazing feat accomplished?  I’m not exactly sure, but from what I understand it involves a room with wooden racks, splints, whips and rewards of Irish whiskey and sexual favors for those who perform well.  But this is just rumor, of course.

This was sent to me and at first I was disbelieving and then I started thinking about it and I realized that I had seen exactly everything that this send describes.  What do you think?

10 THINGS TO LEARN FROM JAPAN

1. THE CALM
     Not a single visual of chest-beating or wild grief. Sorrow itself has been elevated.

2. THE DIGNITY
Disciplined queues for water and groceries. Not a rough word or a crude gesture.

3. THE ABILITY
The incredible architects, for instance. Buildings swayed but didn’t fall.

4. THE GRACE
People bought only what they needed for the present, so everybody could get   something.

5. THE ORDER
No looting in shops. No honking and no overtaking on the roads. Just understanding. 

6. THE SACRIFICE
Fifty workers stayed back to pump sea water in the N-reactors. How will they ever be repaid?

7. THE TENDERNESS
Restaurants cut prices. An unguarded ATM is left alone. The strong cared for the weak. 

8. THE TRAINING
The old and the children, everyone knew exactly what to do. And they did just that. 

9. THE MEDIA
They showed magnificent restraint in the bulletins. No silly reporters. Only calm reportage.

10. THE CONSCIENCE
When the power went off in a store, people put things back on the shelves and left quietly.

Thanks to Lynn for this hilarious piece on how mothers and daughters talk about sex…..

Way way Tooooo funny!!! 

http://minnesota.publicradio.org/display/web/2010/04/06/wits-sweeney/

Performance reviews are easy to read and understand when you have the proper dictionary to translate the terms…

Job Performance Review Terms

AVERAGE EMPLOYEE:
Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Made no major blunders – yet.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks a lot.
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Spouse drinks, too.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the cops.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.
QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for mistakes.
CAREFUL THINKER:
Won’t make a decision.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
Conceited.
PLANS FOR ADVANCEMENT:
Buys drinks for all the boys in the office at happy hour.
FORCEFUL:
Argumentative.
AGGRESSIVE:
Obnoxious.
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS:
Gets someone else to do it.
A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.
EXPRESS THEMSELVES WELL:
Speak English.
CONSCIENTIOUS:
Scared.
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nit picker.
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES:
Is tall or has a loud voice.
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGMENT:
Lucky.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
Knows a lot of dirty jokes.
STRONG PRINCIPLES:
Stubborn.
CAREER MINDED:
Back Stabber.
COMING ALONG WELL:
About to be let go.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
Gets to work on time.
RELAXED ATTITUDE:
Sleeps at desk.
EXPERIENCED PROBLEM SOLVER:
Screws up often.
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY:
Too ugly to get a date.
INDEPENDENT WORKER:
Nobody knows what he/she does all day.
FORWARD THINKING:
Procrastinator.
GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS:
Able to BS well.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Spends lots of time on phone.
LOYAL:
Can’t get a job anywhere else.

Did you guys see this headline?

9/11 First Responders To Be Run Through FBI Terrorism Watch List Before Getting Health Care Benefits (click on the headline to go to the full article)
A couple of key points in the article before I make my point…
Point #1: Medical providers will soon inform 9/11 first responders about a provision in the James Zadroga 9/11 Health And Compensation law that requires them to be run through the FBI’s terrorism watch list before they can receive health care benefits.
Point #2: The provision was tacked on by Rep. Cliff Stearns (R-FL) during the contentious fight over the bill in December, which was blocked by Republicans at the time. Stearns’ amendment adds a paragraph stipulating the “disqualification of individuals on the terrorist watch list,” and requiring each potential beneficiary to be run through the list.

Point #3: Stearns said in a statement that “this amendment … merely requires that the names of those receiving health benefits be cross-checked with the terrorist watch list to ensure that no terrorists get these benefits.”
Okay, now here’s my point….This jack-ass Sterns, who never met a bill he couldn’t put a rider on, says that it merely requires these heroes names to be checked against a list.  That sounds fine on the face of it, but why these people?  Why aren’t people who receive medicaid, medicare, social security, food stamps, unemployment, credit cards, student loans, tuition assistance, welfare, car loans, boat loans, home loans, gun permits, explosive permits…. need I go on?  Why are we choosing, 9/11 First Responders, the men and women who stayed in some of the worst possible response situations, for days and days upon days, who are now suffering from cancer and a gazzillion other ailments, why are THESE PEOPLE chosen to have to be made to wait for their chemo while THEIR names are checked against a terrorist watch list (not to even mention the fact that it is TEN YEARS AFTER THE FACT!!!) while so many others don’t have to?  Let’s see….who’s more likely to be on the terrorist watch list, a New York City Fireman, a Washington D.C. cop, a New Jersey EMT or ……. well hell, ANYBODY ELSE???!!!
How insulting!
Hey ACLU!  Where the hell are you guys?  One of two things need to happen real friggin’ fast.  Either these people get this requirement to be checked against the FBI TWL taken away or every person who gets any kind of government assistance in ANY manner, needs to be checked the EXACT SAME WAY!

Personally, I don’t have a problem having everyone checked against the list…and while we’re at it, let’s check and see if they’re legal American’s at the same time.  And, if you are applying for assistance, how about you pee in this bottle, too?

What is wrong with this country that we can let a Jack Wagon like Sterns, make us question the loyalty of our first responders?  I would’ve had a hell of a lot more respect for the man, and the program, if they said, “okay, we want to do this for all government assistance, and this is where we are going to start.”  But the way it stands now, it’s a slap in the face to all of them, AND to all of us.

Another Hump Day arrives, oh the joy. As if that’s not bad enough I have the Dragon inciting you all to get me electrocuted by doing something that will get you arrested if it happens in public (see Introspection below) and the weather guessers are guessing T-storms for me today. I’ve got some heavy copper braided grounding cable here. Think its time I wired myself to the Dragon’s chair, stepped off the rubber mats, take off me rubber Wellies stand in a puddle of salt water and see how funny he thinks it bloody well is when its his arse getting shocked by a couple of teravolts of static electricity!

Here’s something for ya ta be thinking on while you are all trying to get me lightening bolted, your dear Mothers all told you I’m sure if you didn’t stop that you’d go blind. Since we don’t offer a braille version of DragonLaffs, how do you expect to read it once you do go blind from trying to get me fried and making that demented dragon happy?

Now pardon me while I run some heavy cable under the carpets before he gets in and do me a favor- stay away from any TSA Agents until I get this set up please. Mean while you people amuse yourself… NOT LIKE THAT!

BY LAUGHING!

A Dragon size thank you to K-squared for todays coffee banner as well as the following not so humorous and all too real graphic. K-square comments:

With the ever-increasing price of gasoline for my vehicles, I’ve been forced to revised the readout on my truck’s fuel gauge:

.

Ain’t it the sad (and expensive) truth?

And MORE proof that TRUTH is stranger’n FICTION!

       A 47-year-old gay man was arrested at San Francisco International Airport after ejaculating while being patted down by a male TSA agent.  Percy Cummings, an interior designer from San Francisco, is being held without bail after the alleged incident, charged with sexually assaulting a Federal agent.
       According to Cummings’ partner, Sergio Armani, Cummings has “multiple piercings on his manhood” which were detected during a full body scan.  As a result, Cummings was pulled aside for a pat-down.  Armani stated that the unidentified TSA agent spent “an inordinate amount of time groping” Cummings, who had apparently become sexually aroused.  Cummings, who has a history of sexual dysfunction, ejaculated while the TSA agent’s hand was feeling the piercings.  The TSA agent, according to several witnesses, promptly called for back up.  Cummings was thrown to the ground and handcuffed.
A TSA spokesperson declined to comment on this specific case, but said that anyone ejaculating during a pat-down would be subject to arrest.

Seems to me if the TSA agent groped him long enough and well enough for Sergio to “rocket” the wrong person is being charged with sexual assault! For both their healths sake’s I hope it was safe sex!

The typewriter has joined the ranks of obsolete technology, as the last company on earth to produce the typewriter – Godrej and Boyce – has shut down it’s production plant in India. (Oh goodie, more telemarketers, help desk employees & 7-11 operators just hit the “I Can’t Understand A Fecking Word You are Saying Cheap Outsourced Labor” Job Market!)

I wonder if we can find a “green” use for all those old manual typewriters floating around, like say manual full sized keyboards for iPads?

What do you think? Uses no batteries to pollute landfills and you never have to recharge it. Combines the function of desktop stand and keyboard into one handy small footprint unit too. Not your style? You don’t have an iPad  you say?! (How’s Steve Jobs supposed to afford all those cashmere turtlenecks? Well maybe we can recycle them into desk top computer keyboards like these examples instead!

How about an “All in One”  made from a Lap Top that fits entirely in a manual typewriter?

And before you ask YES they are ALL fully functioning works of art. Each one took an enormous amount of ingenuity craftsmanship,technical know how and some serious scrounging and one dedicated hobbyist to create!

If he has to get it ALL in there its likely to take a while so the rest of you get comfy! I Hope the Doctor capable of treating electrical burns of an arse that’s the size of a bloody short bus! Bloody well sodden conspire to get me fecking lightening bolted on a regular basis will ya?

World’s Oldest Man Dies In Montana At 114

Breuning Was 26 Days Younger Than Besse Cooper, World’s Oldest Person

MATT VOLZ, Associated Press Posted: 7:43 pm EDT April 14, 2011Updated: 7:02 am EDT April 15, 2011

GREAT FALLS, Mont. — Walter Breuning’s earliest memories stretched back 111 years, before home entertainment came with a twist of the radio dial. They were of his grandfather’s tales of killing Southerners in the Civil War. Breuning was 3 and horrified: “I thought that was a hell of a thing to say.”

But the stories stuck, becoming the first building blocks into what would develop into a deceptively simple philosophy that Breuning, the world’s oldest man at 114 before he died Thursday, credited to his longevity.

Here’s the world’s oldest man’s secret to a long life:

– Embrace change, even when the change slaps you in the face. (“Every change is good.”)

– Eat two meals a day (“That’s all you need.”)

– Work as long as you can (“That money’s going to come in handy.”)

– Help others (“The more you do for others, the better shape you’re in.”)

Then there’s the hardest part. It’s a lesson Breuning said he learned from his grandfather: Accept death.

“We’re going to die. Some people are scared of dying. Never be afraid to die. Because you’re born to die,” he said.

Breuning died of natural causes in a Great Falls hospital where he had been a patient for much of April with an undisclosed illness, said Stacia Kirby, spokeswoman for the Rainbow Senior Living retirement home where Breuning lived.

He was the oldest man in the world and the second-oldest person, according to the Los Angeles-based Gerontology Research Group. Besse Cooper of Monroe, Ga. – born 26 days earlier – is the world’s oldest person.

In an interview with The Associated Press at his home in the Rainbow Retirement Community in Great Falls last October, Breuning recounted the past century – and what its revelations and advances meant to him – with the wit and plain-spokenness that defined him. His life story is, in a way, a slice of the story of the country itself over more than a century.

To read more about this man’s incredible memories of a life time spanning a century plus:

Sex Study…

It has been determined that the most used Sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

In Impish’s case there’s even some panting, whining and a really pathetic look to accompany the begging! He told me that recently he and his wife had finally achieved sexual compatibility…seems they both had headaches on the same night and didn’t want any!

I think old Rin Tin Tin there wants some gum!

This was in the Waco Tribune Herald, Waco, TX 18 Nov 2010 and  was apparently from what I can tell a “Letter To the Editor” authored by Alfred W Evans 1SG, USA(Ret) Gatesville, Texas. It comes to us courtesy of reader Paul Bader. Thanks Paul I had this once before in my files but I think I lost it before I got to post it. It comes with a disclaimer that we at DragonLaffs are very serious about.

Paul writes: This was in the Waco Tribune Herald in Waco, TX on 11/18/10 . . .  does it
make sense??

Put me in charge of food stamps.  I’d get rid of Lone Star cards; no cash for Ding Dongs or Ho Ho’s, just money for 50-pound bags of rice and beans, blocks of cheese and all the powdered milk you can haul away.  If you want steak and frozen pizza, then get a job.

Put me in charge of Medicaid.  To get it the first thing women would have to do is get a Norplant birth control implants or tubal ligation.  Then, we’ll test recipients for drugs, alcohol, and nicotine and document all tattoos and piercings.  If you want to reproduce or use drugs, alcohol, and smoke or get tats and piercings, then get a job.

Put me in charge of government housing.  Ever live in a military barracks? You will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair.  Your “home” will be subject to inspections anytime and possessions will be inventoried…  If you want a plasma TV or Xbox 360, then get a job and your own place.

In addition, either you will present a check stub from a job each week or you will report to a “government” job.  It may be cleaning the roadways of trash, painting, and repairing public housing, whatever we find for you.  We will sell your 22-inch rims and low profile tires and your blasting stereo and speakers and put that money toward the “common good.”

Before you write that I’ve violated someone’s rights, realize that all of the above is voluntary.  If you want our money, accept our rules.  Before you say that this would be “demeaning” and ruin their “self-esteem,” consider that it wasn’t that long ago that taking someone else’s money for doing absolutely nothing was demeaning and lowered self-esteem.

If we are expected to pay for other people’s mistakes, we should at least
attempt to make them learn from their bad choices.  The current system
rewards them for continuing to make bad choices.

Alfred W. Evans, Gatesville, TX

At some point someone had clearly tacked on the comment: “AND while you are on Government subsistence, you no longer can VOTE!”. While the rest of the letter is certainly not only well though out but feasible and legally defensible, public assistance is not prison and these people are not by and large convicted criminals. Hence you cannot take their constitutionally assured and protected right to vote away from them.

Let me add a few additional thoughts to this with a single picture. I think you’ll all take my meaning from it. For the record this point of view does not stop or is it strictly limited to those of the ilk in the picture but to everyone. Those who chose to act and dress like this regardless of race, with facial piercings, excessive tattoos, weird haircuts or other manners of dress designed to raise eye brows or provoke a reaction. If its possible you are on the dole because you cannot seem to find a job, even one flipping burgers then this comment is especially for you!

WE are not holding YOU back, rather YOU are holding YOU back and YOU are expecting that WE will pay the freight for YOU until YOU finally decide to wise up straighten up and grow up! Personally I say its HIGH time we ALL say “OH HELLS NOT!” and make “dressing for reasonably successful expectations” part of the Welfare Reform Act this country is WAY over do for.

Infringes on their right to free speech and personal expression you say? Oh nay nay say I! On the contrary, ‘tis simply a matter of timing and appropriateness of their expression. You want to dress like that at home or on weekends while not working, ‘tis your Constitutionally mandated choice to do so. HOWEVER, when you are out trying to get a job or working at that job you dress like you are out trying to get one or lucky you have one and want to keep it! Insist you have the right to dress in an anti-socially acceptable manner 24/7? Not a problem you have that choice but then I should have the choice of not paying for your belligerent, entitlement minded, anti-social attitude, the world owes me and can kiss my ass minded ass too.

We invite your polite, civil, courteous comments on this issue either in the comments section or the the e-mail address shown in the closing credits.

SPEAKING of the closing credits, as Porky would say…”Duh…..duh…DAT’s ALL FOLKS!” Catchya on Friday!

Okay, here’s a picture that’s really and truly worth a thousand words.  One professional interacting with another:

Special Thank-you’s go out to the owl for the above picture.  What a simply marvelous testament to the power of love and humanity.  In case you don’t get it, that’s a seeing-eye dog (you can tell by the square frame he’s wearing) taking time out to be loved by Pluto.  Wish I could hang this picture up everywhere!  Take time out of your day to be something special to someone else.
Your family
Your friends
Your co-workers
even a stranger
It’s not that hard! 

You wanna know what’s hard?  I’ll tell you what’s hard: sitting down at this computer and making 500 (more or less) people laugh!  Now THAT’s hard!
Okay, nah, I’m kidding.  It isn’t really.  I’ve got the best side gig in the world right here.  Who else can say that they can talk to 500 of their closest friends, every day, and share a laugh, a tear or get pissed off together?
What a great life!

Now!

Gas just hit $4.17 a gallon here yesterday!  Are all the predictions coming true?  It was said after the last bout of high gas prices that the next time, no one was going to bitch when gas got all the way to $5 a gallon.  And it’s on its way and I don’t hear a single friggin’ word out of anyone!  What the heck campers!  It is time for us to drill for oil in our own country!  We are way too reliant on the rest of the world, who are basically holding us hostage, over a barrel of oil!  I don’t like a gun pointed at me, even when it is shaped like a gas pump!
I’m gonna get a crap load of static on this one but “Screw the environmentalists who are standing in the way of us having our own oil supply”!  Why the hell are we keeping our country pristine for the Chinese when they foreclose on the loans we have with them and they walk in and take it all over?
Here’s the deal.  We drill for oil, safely and cleanly, like we already do so many places now.  We get gas down to a buck a gallon (it’s like 50¢ a gallon over in the Arabic, oil producing countries) but we charge $1.50.  Okay the actual price of the gas is going to be … let’s say 75¢, then we dedicate another 25¢ strictly for environmental issues due to the drilling for oil in our own country.  With that much money involved, the tree huggers of the world would be able to do a lot of good, so that issue is handled and then the other 50¢ a gallon goes toward getting the monkey off our back.
Which monkey?  Take your pick. 
Our debt
our reliance on fossil fuels for power
our OWN hungry, homeless and needy people.
Okay, you guys will not be charged for that rant.  It was an extra, a freebie, done on the spur of the moment when I saw the above picture and the price of gas yesterday….and nobody has said a friggin’ word.
Or maybe I’m just not paying attention.
Yeah, that’s what it probably is.

APPARENTLY ‘REAL’ RESIGNATION LETTERS I do believe we need to take the word “apparently” at face value….
An offer of 1 million pounds plus free sex with a page three girl could not convince me to stay with your company. A position of junior goat herder in Mongolia would be a more positive career step, than staying here. What a shame. Our group have worked well,
but, yet have been criminally overlooked.
Finally: If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
———————————
Dear Unpersonable B*tch
As per the piece of crap I signed on my first day of this dreaded job, I hereby give 2 minutes notice of my intention to leave this awful company. I want to thank you for all you have not done for me in my employment here. It has been sheer torture working for you and representing this crappy company. It is now time for me to move on and I have accepted a position as a garbage person. This decision was quite easy and took little consideration. However, I am confident that this new role represents a step up from this
piece of crap job. I wish the company would go to pieces and hope one day you too will realize that you cannot manage your way out of a paper bag.
Glad to be gone,
———————————
Dear Editor,
I would like to confirm my status as the latest rodent to vacate your increasingly leaky vessel.
Yours,
———————————
Dear John:
Please take note of the fact that I am hereby tendering my resignation from, effective, September 1, 2000. While I have a high degree of personal respect for you and the opportunities you have offered me, I am no longer comfortable working for a technology
organization largely populated by politocrats, vengeful rivalries, and fiefdoms reminiscent of imperial Chinese literature.
In fact, I dare say that I would rather be tied in a leather bag with ravenous, rabid ocelots than remain at this company any longer than the next two weeks. It was my sincere hope that the reptilian extraterrestrial tyrants who clandestinely own and operate the Technology Group would reveal themselves during my tenure here, but it appears they are far cannier then I ever gave them credit for. Hopefully, their insidious plot to befoul the American financial industry with foolish and ill-advised technology policies will eventually be revealed, but until then it seems their plans may march on uncontested. I give you due credit, for choosing to remain here to fight this hideous alien menace from within.
God’s speed, and may the Force be with you.  Sincerely,
———————————
Mr. X,
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of “cut and paste” for the hundredth time. You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at.
Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.
Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.
1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is “I prefer not to comment.” I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your “favorites list”, which I conveniently saved when you made me “back up” your useless
files. I do believe that terms like “Lolita” are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to “take pictures of your mothers b-day”, you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.) Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never mess with your sys admin, because they know what you do with all your free time.
Sincerely,

Banana Dragon!  Now to me…and this is only a personal observation, the perfect next picture is the dragon disappearing into a lovely woman’s
mouth
…
yes, I said and meant mouth, you perverts!

 

This one has been published many times before, but it is well worth repeating in that we can never, ever find enough good to write about sex:

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when woman make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which make hair shiny and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It’s more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don’t need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases the body endorphin into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones.These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

Okay, there are SO MANY tremendously perfect lines that go with this picture, that I couldn’t just limit myself to just one…so I’ll leave it up to you, the reader to supply the answers.  Anyone who would like to submit a response can do so by writing to ME at impishdragon@yahoo.com
Oh, and I have to add to this (just before publication) I DID NOT make this picture.  It was sent to me with the wording.
Tee Hee Hee!

 

20 Obsolete English Words that Should Make a Comeback

From the MatadorNetwork
Written by Heather Carreiro

During my undergraduate studies as a Linguistics major, one of the things that struck me most is the amazing fluidity of language. New words are created; older words go out of style. Words can change meaning over time, vowel sounds shift, consonants are lost or added and one word becomes another. Living languages refuse to be static.

The following words have sadly disappeared from modern English, but it’s easy to see how they could be incorporated into everyday conversation.

Words are from Erin McKean’s two-volume series: Weird and Wonderful Words and Totally Weird and Wonderful Words. Definitions have been quoted from the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Jargogle

Verb trans. – “To confuse, jumble” – First of all this word is just fun to say in its various forms. John Locke used the word in a 1692 publication, writing “I fear, that the jumbling of those good and plausible Words in your Head..might a little jargogle your Thoughts…” I’m planning to use it next time my husband attempts to explain complicated Physics concepts to me for fun: “Seriously, I don’t need you to further jargogle my brain.”

2. Deliciate

Verb intr. – “To take one’s pleasure, enjoy oneself, revel, luxuriate” – Often I feel the word “enjoy” just isn’t enough to describe an experience, and “revel” tends to conjure up images of people dancing and spinning around in circles – at least in my head. “Deliciate” would be a welcome addition to the modern English vocabulary, as in “After dinner, we deliciated in chocolate cream pie.”

3. Corrade

Verb trans. – “To scrape together; to gather together from various sources” – I’m sure this wasn’t the original meaning of the word, but when I read the definition I immediately thought of copy-pasting. Any English teacher can picture what a corraded assignment looks like.

4. Kench

Verb intr. – “To laugh loudly” – This Middle English word sounds like it would do well in describing one of those times when you inadvertently laugh out loud while reading a text message in class and manage to thoroughly embarrass yourself.

5. Ludibrious

Adj. – “Apt to be a subject of jest or mockery” – This word describes a person, thing or situation that is likely to be the butt of jokes. Use it when you want to sound justified in poking fun at someone. “How could I resist? He’s just so ludibrious.”

6. Sanguinolency

Noun – “Addiction to bloodshed” – Could be a useful word for history majors and gamers, as in “Genghis Khan was quite the sanguinolent fellow” or “Do you think spending six hours a day playing Postal 2 actually fosters sanguinolency?”

7. Jollux

Noun – Slang phrase used in the late 18th century to describe a “fat person” – Although I’m not sure whether this word was used crudely or in more of a lighthearted manner, to me it sounds like a nicer way to refer to someone who is overweight. “Fat” has such a negative connotation in English, but if you say “He’s a bit of a jollux” it doesn’t sound so bad!

8. Malagrugrous

Adj. – “Dismal” – This adjective is from Scots and may be derived from an old Irish word that refers to the wrinkling of one’s brow. An 1826 example of its use is “He looketh malagrugorous and world-wearied.” I’m tempted to also make the word into a noun: “Stop being such a malagrug!”

9. Brabble

Verb – “To quarrel about trifles; esp. to quarrel noisily, brawl, squabble” – Brabble basically means to argue loudly about something that doesn’t really matter, as in “Why are we still brabbling about who left the dirty spoon on the kitchen table?” You can also use it as a noun: “Stop that ridiculous brabble and do something useful!”

10. Freck

Verb intr. – “To move swiftly or nimbly” – I can think of a lot of ways to use this one, like “I hate it when I’m frecking through the airport and other people are going so slow.”

11. Brannigan

Noun – “A drinking bout; a spree or ‘binge’” – Brannigan was originally a North American slang word, but it is now rarely used. “Shall we go for a brannigan on Friday?” can be a more sophisticated way to discuss such activities.

12. Perissology

Noun – “Use of more words than are necessary; redundancy or superfluity of expression” – A useful word for editors: “Thanks for your 4,000-word submission. Unfortunately there is too much perissology in this piece for us to publish it.”

13. Quagswagging

Noun – “The action of shaking to and fro” – This can also be used in verb form, to quagswag, and is pronounced like “kwag swag.” It could definitely work as the name for a new type of dance, or possibly serve as an alternate way to describe a seizure.

14. Hoddypeak

Noun – “A fool, simpleton, noodle, blockhead” – This one doesn’t need any explanation as to how you could use it; you may already have someone in mind who fits the description.

15. Bibesy

Noun – “A too earnest desire after drink.” – “Bibesy” may have been completely made up in the 18th century and it’s unclear whether it ever made it into common use, but it could easily be used today: “Wedding guests waited anxiously for the bar to open; bibesy should be expected after such a long, dull service.”

16. Scriptitation

Noun – A 17th-century word meaning “continual writing” – Matadorians taking part in this year’s National Novel Writing Month are getting good practice at scriptitation!

17. Widdendream

Noun – “A state of mental disturbance or confusion” – I can start using this obsolete Scottish word right away: “While working on writing my thesis, I find I am constantly in widdendream.”

18. Yemeles

Adj. – An Old English and Middle English word meaning “careless, heedless, negligent” – Pronounced as “yeem-lis,” this is another word that could prove useful for teachers around the world: “Handing in messy and incomplete work just shows me you are being yemeles, and I won’t hesitate to give you a zero for the assignment.”

19. Twitter-light

Noun – “Twilight” – Used in the early 17th century, “twitter-light” sounds like a romantic way to refer to the hours as the sun goes down.

20. Illecebrous

Adj. – “Alluring, enticing, attractive” – Alright, so at first this word kind of sounds a way to describe something diseased, but if you put the stress on the second syllable for emphasis, it does sound like a compliment: “That girl was so illecebrous; I’ve got to figure out how to see her again.”

Refused a smooch, 92-year-old woman fires gun?

– Wed Mar 23, 11:24 am ET

ST. PETERSBURG, Fla (Reuters) – Helen Staudinger, 92, wanted a kiss.

But authorities say after her 53-year-old neighbor refused, the central Florida woman aimed a semi-automatic pistol at his house and fired four times.

“If my head would have been over just a little bit further, (a bullet) probably would have hit me in the back of the head,” the neighbor, Dwight Bettner, told Reuters.

Staudinger remained in jail on Tuesday, a day after being arrested on charges of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and shooting into a dwelling. Her next court date is April 26.

The case of the kiss that wasn’t occurred in Fort McCoy, Florida, about 20 miles northeast of Ocala.

Bettner, a former law enforcement officer and boilermaker, said his elderly neighbor has seemed attracted to him since he moved in six months ago. He’s not sure why.

“I’ve taken her trash out for her, just neighborly stuff,” Bettner said. “I guess she just took that as something else.”

He told Marion County Sheriff’s deputies that Staudinger threatened to shoot him recently when he told her he had a girlfriend but didn’t follow through.

Just after noon on Monday, Bettner argued with Staudinger when she came to his house and refused to leave, according to an incident report.

“I want a kiss before I leave,” Bettner said Staudinger told him.

No, he said.

“Just go back to your property, and leave me alone,” Bettner recalled saying.

Bettner was on the phone with his father when he heard gunshots moments later. One bullet went through a window, spraying him with glass.

Staudinger told deputies that she fired at Bettner’s new Mitsubishi 3000GT, a car “that he loved so much,” the incident report said.

Bettner said on Tuesday that he would probably move out of his rented home.

“I just don’t need the stress or the hassle,” he said. “I thought this only happened to younger people.”

Wow, talk about your sex crazed senior citizen.  I don’t blame him at all for moving because it could only go downhill from there.  It’s not like you can ignore someone who can actually come and stand on your front door step…with a gun.  If she was aiming for the car and hit the house, she’s even more of a danger to the neighborhood!  Time to get out and find somewhere else to live….before she gets released from jail!

“Impish is walking by my window…..hey Impish!”

Take one minute….just one click, every day, helps more than you can imagine!

Ain’t it the truth!  Just got the littlest dragon’s latest report card (straight A’s) and she’s upset because the kids are supposed to get their parents to sign the card and send it back and I won’t do it.  It doesn’t matter that I’ve spoken to her teacher and she says that we don’t have to, that rule is for the kids who really DON’T want to show their parents their report card.   She thinks it still has to go back.  Are you kidding me?  I’m saving all those fantastic report cards for when she complains to me about how tough it is, I can shake this under her nose and say, “Look kid!  It’s worth it!  You’re making your old man happy as can be!”  I did ask her teacher about the kids taking responsibility for their grades and she admitted that most parents blame the teachers and not the kids.  What a shame.  What an absolute shame.  That damn entitlement mentality rearing its ugly head.

 

I attended electronics college for a 20-month course, leaving with my Associate Degree. One day in lab class, my partner decided he knew enough about circuitry to screw with a breadboard design by himself. The result was that he managed to get his hands across the 1350 volt oscilloscope vacuum tube leads, knocking him off his chair several feet. When my prof asked what happened, I told him, “Dave thought he was an engineer. Turns out he was only a conductor.”

Sniff!  Sniff!  Does this link work?

And in the category of oldie, but goodie….

MEXICAN HURRICANE

A CATEGORY 5 HURRICANE hits Mexico . Two million Mexicans die and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn’t know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (except France ) is
sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.

God Bless America !!!!

When they say, that a picture is worth a thousand words, as we were speaking about earlier, what words is this one saying?  If you can’t read between the lines here, you need to go get some serious help.

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. “Follow me son” the father shark said to the son as they swam to the mass of people.

“First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.” 
And they did. 
“Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.”
And they did. 
“Now we eat everybody.”
And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first?  Why did we swim around and around them?”

His wise father replied, “Because they taste better without the shit inside!”

yes, indeed…..except virgins.

And yet another, oldie, but goodie and absolutely tremendous advice!

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him.  When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty jam jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2″ in diameter. He then asked the students if the jam jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.  He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.  Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

“Now,” said the professor, “I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, your children – things that if everything
else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.  The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff.”

“If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing.  There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.” Take care of the rocks first – the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

But then… A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is: that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for a BEER.

OMG!  What the heck is going on????

Ummm…. okay, so I’d rather deal with the bees, but it’s a toss up with the gator.

That’s okay monk, I do the same thing EVERY morning when I get up and get ready for work.  That first look in the mirror can be scary as hell.  Sure makes me jump!

You gotta love kids!

The Bible According to Kids

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.)
– In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
– Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
– Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears.
– Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
– The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
– Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
– Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
– Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
– The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
– Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments.
– The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
– The seventh commandment is “Thou shalt not admit adultery”.
– Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

– Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
– The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
– David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
– Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
– When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
– Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager.
– Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption.
– St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
– Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you.
– He also explained that “Man does not live by sweat alone”.
– It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
– The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibles.
– The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
– One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
– St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
– A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

 

 

And in the category of: “The Wrath of God!”…..the nominees are:

The only voices you hear are speaking  Japanese, and the only other things heard are sirens and the sound of the water.   AMAZING!
Seeing the end of this video puts the FORCE of the tsunami into prospective.    WOW!!!

The photographer has to keep moving up the stairs as the rushing ocean continues to rise and move everything by on up the hill and into the countryside.

Stick with this video.  Things get worse at the end.

Puts perspective on the power of water.

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=c3rqPPJPwLg

Why is it that just about any website I go to, even my own bank, has a button as a way to donate MY money to help out the people in Japan?  Okay, now I don’t deny that those people need help, truly I don’t.  But why is it that we don’t have a button to help out our own people?
What kind of buttons should we have?
What kind of easy donate $10 text message should we have?  You know, send the word “help” to this number to automatically have $10 put on your phone bill to help ancient red panda bears in North Jersey or something.
Here’s some that I’d like to see:

Clicks on a website to help pay for drug tests for support recipients
Text the word “FENCE” on your cell phone and your $10 donation will add another foot, to the fence between the US and Mexico
(I’m NOT taking anything from the worthy charities who do this now) how about $1 little paper Dollar Bills at the checkout stand and every dollar gets donated to lower the national debt
Clicks for better tornado sirens in poor counties
Text “READ” to donate a buck for literacy
An advertisement in the shape of a bullet and every little paper one you buy sends a real one to the military…or to the border patrol…or the coast guard…and we protect and close down our own borders FIRST!
Oil exploration in our own country (could be a little oil well and every time you click on it, it spurts a little cartoon oil drop out of the top)
Community storm shelters for people who live in trailer parks and don’t have anywhere to hide in a storm.  (Before you start going off on trailer park people, sometimes that’s the BEST they can afford and they are trying to do the very best they can for their families.  Okay, so other times they’re just trash, but we’ll only help the good ones cause the other ones are gonna be drunk anyway)
Mrs Dragon says she’d like to have a button for donations for shirts for people who shouldn’t got shirtless or the proper sized pants for “plumbers” with butt cracks showing.
I want one to help develop a device that you can aim at cars driving by your house at all hours of the day and night with that stupid bass booming.  What a total and complete lack of respect for other people.  One quick shot and the speakers melt.
The Littlest Dragon says she would like to have “clicks for maids”.  Every click you give goes towards paying a maid to spend time cleaning a deserving nine-year-old’s bedroom.  Now, we’ll have to go through and change that after she turns 10.

What kind of text messages, buttons to click would YOU like to see?  Remember that address up farther that was for sending in the quotes for the picture?  Use the same address to tell me what buttons you’d like to see.  But, do me a favor and kind of put something in the subject line to let me know what you’re talking about.  It will make it easier for me in the long run.  That’s: impishdragon@yahoo.com

Have a GREAT DAY my campers!

 

 

Morning DragonLaffers….

Coffee and Monday all in one graphic.…ya gotta love it!

WOW! You all look terrible! Icky green pallor, lethargic, one hand covering either your stomach or mouths. Oh! I GET IT! Easter candy after effect coupled with with sugar induced near comas! I know Impish so over did it he is in a coma currently or must be, he didn’t even blink or flinch when we started power washing all the smeared melted  chocolate off him.

Well double espressos no sugar all around. That should help some until the effects wear off. Now lets get some air in those lungs, a little adrenaline and endorphins in the blood stream and a twinkle back in those eyes….

Let’s Laugh Until You Feel Better

Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know of?’ The first man replied, ‘A THOUGHT.’ It just pops into your head. There’s no warning. ‘That’s very good!’ replied Jennifer.

‘And, now you sir?’, she asked the second man. ‘Hmmm….let me see ‘A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened.. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.’ ‘Excellent!’ said Jennifer. ‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.’

She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.. ‘Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch.. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. ‘Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of’. Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. ‘It ‘s hard to beat the speed of light,’ she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, ‘After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.’ ‘WHAT!?’ said Jennifer, stunned by the response… ‘Oh sure’, said BUBBA. ‘You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.’ BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.

 

A woman in her thirties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called “The Knob,” where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman’s head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted “The Knob.” Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful-the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

“All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them.”

The doctor looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts.”

She said, “No point asking about the beard then……….!”

We were all green once and didn’t know it

In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that plastic bags weren’t good for the environment. The woman apologized to her and explained, “We didn’t have the green thing back in my day.”
That’s right, they didn’t have the green thing in her day. Back then, they returned their milk bottles, Coke bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, using the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But they didn’t have the green thing back in her
day.
In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two blocks. But she’s right. They didn’t have the green
thing in her day.
Back then, they washed the baby’s diapers because they didn’t have the throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts – wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right,
they didn’t have the green thing back in her day.
Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house – not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a pizza dish, not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand because they didn’t have electric machines to do everything for you. When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used wadded up newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. But they didn’t have the green thing back then.
Back then, they didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by working so they didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she’s right, they didn’t  have the green thing back then.
They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty, instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They refilled pens with ink, instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But they didn’t have the green thing
back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar and kids rode their bikes to school or rode the school bus, instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn’t
need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.
But that old lady is right. They didn’t have the green thing back in her day.

I have to admit while not quite as green as this lady’s, my youth was certainly 90% of that and a whole lot greener than any of my second cousins or my nephews, let alone the current generation. I still have and prefer to use a fountain pen to write actual hand written notes and cards. In fact I sign all documents and contracts with one. But I have an idea that could make us a whole lot greener by 2013:

The Answering Machine

“Hello. You have reached Nana and Gramps. We’re not able to come to the phone right now. If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select from 1 to 5 in order of “arrival” so we know who it is.

If you need us to watch your children, press 2.
If you want to borrow our car, press 3.
If you want us to do your laundry, press 4.
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5.
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6.
If you want us to have you to dinner on Sunday or to bring it to your house, press 7.
If you need money, press 8.
If you are calling to invite us to dinner or a movie, start talking; we are listening

.”

Opt Out of Being Tracked Most Everywhere You Go

On-Line Easily and Quickly

It’s no secret that advertisers are buy tracking you online or that it’s big business. They’re like a pack of bloodhounds set on a fugitive. You’ll see ads following you from site to site and ads for things you have recently looked at on-line popping up on the homepage of your browser. It can be very creepy and unsettling. To make matters worse they are using your own computer to do it to you and oft times at the detriment of its performance for you. Personally I find this extremely annoying, I mean I already pay a pile of money for advertisers to have easy access to me in the form of my TV and cable fees. Now they want to monopolize my computer too?

There is a lot of buzz about opt-out systems. Most major browsers have anti-tracking technology built in. However, it will take a while for that to become mainstream or for people to learn to locate it and use it consistently. Plus by then the advertisers will have found a work around to it. Advertising is a billion dollar a year industry so they are not doing to sit idly and just be shut out.

Today’s Leprechaun Tech Talk/ DragonLaffs PSA site will help you to opt-out of being tracked right now. You can see a list of the tracking cookies on your computer. Plus, you can see what companies haven’t started tracking you yet. You can choose to opt-out of every advertiser or should you wish (Lord only knows why you also select only specific advertisers to opt-out of. Clicking an advertiser’s link tells you more about it.

The system works by placing an opt-out cookie for each advertiser you select. Those cookies are good for several years. They should keep your activities from being tracked. Currently (as of writing this) it covers 119 advertisers domains.

Note that this doesn’t cover every advertiser out there.  Some other advertisers deliberately don’t make it very easy to opt-out of their systems by burying request links requiring you to e-mail them (which they ignore) or make the request via snail mail in writing. Being thrown out of your computer and personal life on their arse while in the best interest of you & your privacy is not in their best financial interest so the less scrupulous ones will do what ever they can to discourage you from successfully making the request(s). Others use flash cookies which are all together entirely different technology despite the similar sounding names. 

You should also know that, clearing of your browser’s cookies during a standard disk clean up clears the opt-out cookies as well. You will want to bookmark this site and check back occasionally to replace the lost cookies.

http://selectout.org/

[A tip o’ the Tam-o’-shanter to KimKommando.com for the topic idea and some of the info that appears here]

Here’s a DragonLaffs Tip to help you go Green effortlessly…..

Just recycle all your old Charlie Sheen jokes and turn them into Nicholas Cage jokes! BAM! Your funny, topical and Green all at the same time and no unsightly old moldy jokes laying about! Impish has been recycling his jokes for years!

And Charlie Sheen…and Nicholas Cage…see how simple and easy it is?

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife,

‘You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:

BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,

BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,

BELL 3 rings and we’re on the fire truck ready to go.

When he yelled ‘BELL 2!’, the wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled ‘BELL 3!’, they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled ‘BELL 4!’

‘What the hell is BELL 4?’ asked the husband?

‘ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,’ she replied   ‘ YOU’RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.’