Dragon Laffs #1194


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Osama Bin Laden is dead.  High praise to the men and women who got it done, and who got it done without losing any of their own.  I’m proud of all of you!

But now is not the time for any of us to let our guards down.  I’ve already heard people mumbling about, “now we can bring the troops home.” I’m sorry, but that shouldn’t and probably won’t happen.  And as average Americans, we need to be very much focused on the fact that, most certainly, his followers are going to do something spectacularly stupid.  The problem is, that when they do something stupid, innocent lives seem to get taken at the same time.

Be vigilant, aware of your surroundings and know what your family is doing and where they are.  The biggest and most important thing you can do, is keep your eyes open.  See what’s really there, not what your eyes expect to see.  If it’s out of place, or feels wrong, then it probably is wrong.

Don’t let the bastards win through our own complacency. 

You might ask, “Impish, are we still talking about terrorists or are we now talking about politics?”

My answer?  I kinda figured they were both about the same.  Remember: DO NOT let the bastards win through our own complacency.  Open your eyes.

Okay, I gotta find that darn coffee nurse.  Lethal hired a new medical person the other day and her job is to give me my coffee through an IV every day.  Well, she did fine this 1_thumb[11]morning, but this first IV bag is empty and I can’t find her anywhere.  I really dislike eating new employees on the first day….why don’t you guys go ahead and start laughing without me and I’ll catch up in a few minutes.

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Sounds like the same people who are running my career field….and most of the government as well.  Still can’t find the nurse.

Ron and Kim were doing some shopping. Having purchased everything they needed, they returned to the parking lot to drive home.

“Where’s the car? Good golly, someone has stolen it!”

They notified the police from a phone booth inside the mall and made a report at the Police station. A young detective drove them back to see if any evidence remained from the scene of the crime. But, what do you know, there is the stolen car, back in the exact spot! A note is on the windshield with two tickets to a concert attached. The note thanks the young couple for the use of their car, but the culprit’s wife was about to give birth and had to be rushed to the hospital.

The young couple’s faith in humanity is restored and they go to the concert and have a wonderful time. They arrive home late that night to find their entire house robbed, with a note on the door reading, “Well, I gotta put the kid through college, don’t I?”

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I know, I know, but I just had to run this picture again.  Randal Spangler is a MASTER at the cute dragon.  His website (http://www.randalspangler.com/) is a fun 1InvestigatingCaffeineplace where dragons play baseball with chocolate chip cookies being the bases and fairies flit around the library of the master.  One of those sites that you could sit at for hours and hours and still not see it all.  His pictures are all for sale and they are quite interesting, all.  I highly recommend the site.

Now, I have to go find that nurse.  Seems there are some voices coming from Lethal’s office.  It’s a bit early for him to be in yet…I wonder…

Two matronly sisters lived together and managed a farm.  All their lives they had both had an extreme fear of thunder storms and lightning.

One day one of the sisters was visiting a neighbor, and while walking home was caught in a severe thunder storm. Lightning was streaking across the sky and thunder was booming all around. Totally terrified, she ran to a nearby haystack and buried her head in the hay like an ostrich, so she could not see the lightning or hear the thunder.

With her head buried in the hay, her rear end was exposed, and the wind blew her dress up exposing a long unused part of her anatomy.

Along came the local stud, and seeing the poor soul’s predicament, he did the only thing a well endowed stud would do in such a situation.

After fully satisfying himself he zipped up his pants and went on his merry way.

Soon the sister pulled her head out of the haystack and rushed home, calling to her sister,

“Sissy, Sissy, let me tell you something! I was just hit by lightning… and we never have to be afraid again!!!!!!”

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To our friends who may not understand the passion we feel for planes and particularly planes from WW11, this is Fifi. It is the only flying B-29 Strato Fortress in the world. This is one of the combat airplanes that flew from Iwo Jima, Saipan, Tinian islands to bomb Japan and help win the war.  It was usually escorted by P-51 Mustangs to protect her from enemy fighters, but many thousands of planes and aircrews were lost fighting for our country.

 
This happened at a time in history before we had long range missiles and electronics.  These planes were flown by men from our farms and cities who left their families at home and risked their lives in high altitude gun fights.  It was up close, brutal and extremely dangerous but they risked it all to protect our country.  Many never came home again.  We love, respect and honor all of our veterans.  But we also have a love affair with the planes.  It is a permanent addiction for us so we preserve these wonderful aircraft so you can see and experience the marvelous machines that preserved our freedom.

 
We have completely rebuilt this aircraft and those powerful prop engines to bring Fifi back to life.  It took years to accomplish, many thousands of donated dollars and thousands of hours of work by many unpaid volunteers to make this happen so that everyone can share this important part of our history.  This is a unique flying museum.

 
If you get a chance to see her at an air show, don’t pass up the chance.  You are watching history and she is the only one left out of thousands.  This is truly a rare aircraft.  Enjoy the video.

 
Col. Tom Leo
Golden Gate Wing
Someone did a nice job of filming Fifi , the only flying B-29 .

http://vimeo.com/17388627

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Keeping with the Randal Spangler theme…yes, I know they’re dragons, but they are also VERY fitting.  Especially to today
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Feeling weaker…need my IV.

And now we have a new player on the scene.  This one is from Rick Rose…and it’s a stinker!
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The great German actress Brunhilda Von Divagruber had achieved everything she wanted in life but for one honor: She’d never won an Academy Award.
One day she was called by the great director Meyer Schmidtenlager and asked to review a new script he had. She read the script and immediately rejected it. “Iss nicht my type of script, Meyer, and I’ll not do it.”
 
“But honeykins,” he cried, “it’s a wonderful script.”
 
“I didn’t say it vasn’t vunderful or goot, but I’ll not do it.”
 
“But sweetiekins,” Meyer continued, “with my direction and your acting and name, the film will make us millions.”
 
“More geldt I don’t need. Ich do nicht like the script.”
 
“But, darling, don’t you see? With my connections, I can almost guarantee you an Academy Award for your performance.”
 
Brunhilda thought a moment then agreed, musing, “Oh, I’d luff to be an Oscar winner, Meyer!”

 

ashamed

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Again, as many of you know, I belong to the Air Force Emergency Management Association.  Recently they sent out this email:

Although May and June are normally the peak period for tornadoes, the recent super tornado outbreak on Wednesday, Apr 27 that impacted multiple states is now the deadliest outbreak of tornadoes to hit us since before the depression. The number of deaths now tops 300.  The only rival so far is the 1925 “Tri-State Tornado” that ripped through the upper Midwest on a 219 mile track, killing over 700 people.

On Wednesday, at least 164 tornadoes tore across a region that stretched from Mississippi to Virginia, flattening homes, flipping over cars and leaving a trail of destruction. See the Preliminary Tornado Tracks from the storms.

AccuWeather.com said more than 900 tornadoes had been reported since April 1 in an onslaught of severe thunderstorms that has spawned flooding and deadly twisters in parts of the Midwest and Southeast.  “This could turn out to be one of the worst years for severe weather and tornadoes in history,” said Dan Kottlowski, expert senior meteorologist for AccuWeather.com. He said the weather phenomenon known as La Nina was making it easier for cold air that normally sits over the Northern United States to move deeper into the warmer South, a clash that frequently triggers more storm activity

Here’s a picture that the link takes you to.  For a more detailed copy of this picture, follow the link above or the picture itself…if I did it right, lol.
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Pretty friggin’ wild!

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I’m pretty sure this is an oldie, but you gotta love the logic and ingenuity involved here:

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I’VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:
‘I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it.  I’m scared.  I think I’m going crazy.’
‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..’
‘How much do you charge?’
‘Eighty dollars per visit,’ replied the doctor.
‘I’ll sleep on it,’ I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.. ‘Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?’ he asked.
‘Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!’
‘Is that so!’ With a bit of an attitude he said, ‘and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?’
‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed! – Ain’t nobody under there now!!!’

FORGET THE SHRINKS..
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!
May your troubles be less, Your blessings be more,
And nothing but happiness come through your door!

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One Liners worthy of a rimshot!

My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.
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I won’t say I was a slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.
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After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn’t wash my shorts for a month.
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It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.
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I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.
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I drew a gun. He drew a gun. I drew another gun. Soon we were
surrounded by lovely drawings of guns.
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We’ve got stained glass windows in our house. It’s those damned pigeons.
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I found my nurse….sitting on Lethal’s lap.  She immediately got up to get another IV bag, so I suppose it’s okay.  But, she did say the strangest thing, as soon as she saw me she blurted out, “How can you still be alive?”  Then Lethal shushed her and she got another IV, although she was shaking a bit.  I must really look bad in the morning…
That’s what she was talking about, right?
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WTF7

WTF

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke….. And well worth the wait!

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, ‘Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.’

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, ‘Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.’

The blonde opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too…’

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said, ‘If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!’

The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, ‘I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.’

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife. The blonde’s wife said, ‘Don’t look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.’

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This new coffee IV feels kind of funny.  Not sure of the coffee brand, but they’ve got the coolest logo for their company.  Looks like this: skull

Now THAT’S some awesome coffee!

 

Love the way she cuts to an early commercial when she’s called out.   He didn’t make an ass out of this “reporter,” she did it all by herself.  This man knows exactly what’s going on over there (and here.)   Former CIA Analyst Michael Scheuer, YOU ROCK!!

Former CIA Analyst Michael Scheuer Schools CNN Host

And I love the fact that he calls out both the democrats AND the republicans for being in people’s business where they have no business being.

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The police recently busted a man selling “secret formula” tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.

He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983….

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I have this exact same problem!  Sigh.  Life is NOT fair.

A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.  Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, “I don’t think that’s going to help.”
       “Sure it will.” he said.  “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

 

 

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Why?  Just….why?

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Gangsta has really changed.  Not sure I could handle being young anymore.

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Believe it or not, this is an invention that is supposed to keep you alive during a fire.  Not sure how healthy that air is going to be, nor how long it will last, but the theory, at least, is there.  Can I just say, “YUCK!”

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.  Lo and behold, that horse — a very long shot — won the race..
       Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track.  Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
       Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.  Again, even though it was another longshot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
       Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race.  The priest again blessed a horse.
       Mitch bet big on it, and it won.  Mitch was elated..
       As the races continued the priest kept blessing longshot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
       By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money.  By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.  He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest’s blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
       True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.  Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears and hooves of the old nag.  Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
       He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last.  Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.  Confronting the old priest he demanded, “Father! What happened?  All day long you blessed horses and they all won.  Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile.  Now, thanks to you I’ve lost every cent of my savings — all of it!”
       The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.  “Son,” he said, “that’s the problem with you Protestants; you can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.”

gif penguin

As a foreman for a construction company, my friend, John, was interviewing an applicant.  He asked the plasterer to bring his tools in so he could see what he could do.  The fellow returned with tools slung over his shoulder and hanging from his pockets, and in one hand he was holding an unidentifiable object covered in plaster.  John asked what it was.
       “My radio,” the chap answered.
       “All right,” said John, “you can start tomorrow.”
       The applicant looked surprised.  “That’s it?  You don’t want to see what I can do?”
       “Any plaster man who has a radio looking like that one,” John said, “must have put in at least three years of work.”

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Well, writing the rest of this from the infirmary.  Seems my coffee had gone bad!  Can you imagine?  What are the odds of the nurse that Lethal just hired for me, that I found sitting on his lap in his office, who was frightened when she saw me alive, and got me a new bag of IV coffee and it turned out to have spoiled.  Hmm, what are the odds?  What a long shot!  I sure play the lottery with those kinds of odds working in my favor.  It sure is a good thing that Dragons are immune to all poisons and potions.  Not many people know that and even fewer know that that also means we are immune to almost all food products that have gone bad, or turned. 
Sure is Lucky For Me.
Yup, Sure is.

How about a tribute to a Marine who took an impossible shot…and lived to tell about it.  I think it’s a fitting and apt ending to today’s crazy issue.

Sgt. survives sniper round to the head

By Brian Shane – Staff writer
Posted : Tuesday Apr 5, 2011 5:08:53 EDT(photo courtesy Sgt. Paul Boothroyd III) Sgt. Paul Boothroyd waits for a medevac helicopter after sustaining a sniper round to the head March 4 in Helmand province, Afghanistan.

Manning the top of a compound south of Sangin, Afghanistan, Sgt. Paul Boothroyd III took a sniper round to the head. He landed face down onto the muddy roof with a thud.

Fifteen minutes later, Boothroyd was bandaged, smiling, smoking a cigarette and giving the “thumbs up” as he waited for the medevac helicopter, to which he walked under his own power.

It’s a “you-gotta-be-kidding-me” story that earned Boothroyd, a signals intelligence operator with 2nd Radio Battalion, a new call sign from his team members: Headshot.

“It was a one-in-a-million shot that the sniper was even able to hit me,” he said in an interview with Marine Corps Times, “and a one-in-a-million chance that the bullet didn’t destroy my brain. It wasn’t my time.”

Early March 4 in Helmand province, Boothroyd, attached to the 26th Marine Expeditionary Unit, was on a rooftop providing over-watch for a local security patrol. It was his first deployment. Insurgents opened fire, “and I got hit by the first bullet,” he said.

The bullet pierced his helmet. The Kevlar caught and turned the round, he said, “so instead of going in and thrashing my skull,” it entered through the neck and lodged itself above and behind his right ear.

“It was like being hit by a train,” he recalled. “I remember what I was doing. I remember being hit, then I was face down in the mud on top of the building. I really wasn’t terribly concerned because I could hear bullets whipping above me, but I still had the presence of mind not to stand up. I thought, ‘Well, I don’t have any brain damage, at least at this point.’ ”

“My lieutenant pulled me to the edge of the roof so they could take a look at me,” he added. “I got a little upset when they were pulling my Kevlar off. I said, ‘Hey, if that’s holding my brain together, I’m going to be upset if you take it off.’”

The corpsman examining him found the bullet behind his ear. Now he hopes to keep it as a memento.

Boothroyd, 22, said his survival came down to the single-digit millimeters separating the 7.62x54mm Dragunov sniper round from his spinal column and its main arteries.

Boothroyd’s firefight was one many Marines have faced in Helmand province’s Sangin district, which has become one of Afghanistan’s most violent and casualty-heavy arenas.

(photo courtesy Sgt. Paul Boothroyd III) The sniper round surgeons at Bethesda Naval Hospital removed from Sgt. Paul Boothroyd's head March 16.Two days after the incident, Boothroyd was transported to National Naval Medical Center Bethesda, Md. Surgeons on March 16 removed the bullet with no complications. Boothroyd received the Purple Heart for his combat injury.

“It’s one of those things where I feel like I’ve been given an unearned vacation,” he said of his 30-day recovery. “In the surgical ward, I was only one of two gunshot wounds. Everyone else, they’re all guys who have lost legs to [improvised explosive devices]. I look at those guys, and I think, ‘Do I really deserve a Purple Heart compared to these guys?’ ”

Meanwhile, the Marine Corps and Army continue to test a new, stronger helmet to better combat enemy bullets, including 7.62 rounds.

Boothroyd said he hopes to return to Afghanistan for a second deployment this fall, if possible. In the meantime, he’ll convalesce at home through mid-April with his immediate family, his wife, Ashley, and 2-year-old son, Paul IV, in Midland, Mich., before returning to his battalion at Camp Lejeune, N.C.

“The neurosurgeon says he’s miraculously fortunate,” said the Marine’s mother, Carol Boothroyd. “It hasn’t damaged his enthusiasm for, frankly, going back or anything. He really loves the Marine Corps. We’re just really, really thankful that he’s OK and he walked away from this.”

 

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One Response to Dragon Laffs #1194

  1. lethalleprechaun says:

    Spoiled me arse! You betrayed me generious nature in which I shared with you a sample of me private coffee blend by continually stealing from me stash 0′ Brown Gold. That was bad enough, but in the name o’ friendship and for a business partner (who whines like a 9 year old when he doesn’t get his way) I was willing ta forget and forgive. Then you made it’s existence not only known to the entire staff, so that I had to produce prodigious quantities of me own special PRIVATE PERSONAL blend available every Thursday to that gluttonous horde, you announced its existence and loudly proclaimed its praises TO THE ENTIRE READERSHIP!

    You miserable closet Socialist Democrat of a Dragon! You’re trying to single-handedly start a Brown Gold Entitlement Program for all the employees and readers with me footing the bloody bill!

    While Dragons may be immune to the ill effects MOST poisons, potions and spoiled foods, you are NOT immune to the newest ingredient addition to my secret Brown Gold recipe as your feeling its ill effects today from a 1/100th portion dosage confirms. I think the Dragonsbane adds sort of a pleasant mellowing effect similar to chicory don’t you agree?

    The really nice thing is it’s totally ineffectual on any creatures other than dragons. In fact I like what it does to the Brown Gold’s taste so much I’m upping the Dragonsbane to a 50% of lethal dosage to dragons tomorrow to see if that helps the taste anymore. I KNOW it will help stop the wanton pilfering by certain parties most assuredly.

    Oh yeah and finally, expect a bill every Friday morning to be deducted from your salary at the going rate of $5/ cup for every cup consumed by the employes the previous day. If I have to buy it, mix it, brew it and serve it with all the condiments you can bloody well PAY for it and be party to the Entitlement you created!

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