Good morning …. er … Good Afternoon Campers! Although it’s got to be morning, somewhere, let’s be fair. It’s afternoon here, even if just barely, so afternoon it is. Good Afternoon Campers! I know a lot of you were looking forward to your Dragon Laffs to have with your coffee before you had to go out and run chores, shovel snow, clean the gutters or toil in a gang-infested laundry. There are more forces at work here than are readily apparent to the naked eye. So, while I try to get the damn dwarves up out of the cellars, where Lethal conveniently, “gave them the day off as soon as they were done working for you this weekend”, all the dwarves heard was “day off” and now they’re all drunk! If I can get them to run the presses without printing today’s issue out on the unconscious bodies of their drunken brethren, then you will have Dragon Laffs delivered directly into your mail boxes! So, while I work out the details, why don’t you…
So, the boss met with both teams and said: “Here’s what we’ll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job.”
Both teams headed right out.
At the end of the shift, the Irish guys came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed, and they said that it was
tough going, but they’d put in twelve.
Forty-five minutes later, the Aggies came back in and they were totally exhausted. The boss said, “Well, how many poles did you guys install?”
The team leader wiped his brow and sighed, “We got three in.”
The boss gasped, “Three? Those Irish guys put in twelve!”
“Yeah,” said the Aggie leader, “but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground!”
Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.
The World’s Luckiest Soldier
Another Oldie, but goodie
Grandma & Grandpa
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, “I don’t think you should take one Dad; they’re very strong and very expensive.”
“How much?” asked Grandpa.
“$10 a pill,” Answered the son.
“I don’t care,” said Grandpa, “I’d still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I’ll put the money under the pillow.”
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, “I told you each pill was $10, not $110.
“I know,” said Grandpa. “The hundred is from Grandma!”
Understanding the dynamics of an accident
Have you ever driven by a crash and looked and tried to figure out how it happened? Pretty common, right? Did you know that there are specialists in this field who study vehicle damage, skid marks, road conditions and a myriad of other things to explain how an accident has happened.
Sometimes though, it isn’t easy to figure out how this happened:
Harvey’s grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, “Vat sims to be ze problem?”
Harvey says, “I’m not sure, but it doesn’t go ‘tick-tock-tick-tock’ anymore. Now it just goes ‘tick…tick…tick.'”
The old man says, “Mmmm-Hm!” and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over to the grandfather clock. He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, “Ve haf vays of making you tock!”
Comes the next Saturday morning, the Rabbi gave old Abe a bowl of cough drops and instructions to give to a cough drop to any congregation member who was coughing.
So following his Rabbi’s orders, every time a member coughed, old Abe walked over and gave them a cough drop.
The Rabbi noticed that each time he did this, the member then stood up left the sermon. At the end of the service, half of the members were gone.
After services the Rabbi calls old Abe at home and asked what he said to the members that made them leave the hall.
Old Abe says, “So vat did I say ? … All that I said wuz, ‘the Rabbi said for cough!'”
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten greatgrandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living.
I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.
Instead she sat back and said, “If there’s anything you want to know, just ask me.”
Time Limit: One Month
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
(a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
(a) Bed time (b) 5:00 (c) am or pm? (d) Happy hour
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America’s far north called?
(a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners (d) foreigners
9. Spell — Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy’s (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky (e) Prince
12. Can you explain Einstein’s Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes (b) no (c) He wasn’t my relative
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- Just spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Europe
18. Advanced math.
If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
(a) B.C. (b) A.D. (c) still waiting
*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify to play.
“You’ve got it all wrong, Major,” an Air Force sergeant replied. “The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch about the salary.”
What it’s like being a Mets Fan:
Me: “Paper or plastic?”
Male customer: “I’d like double-bagged paper, and I’d like you to make each bag as heavy as possible.”
Customer: “In case you’re wondering, I had a fight with my wife, and it’s my turn to pick up the groceries.”
Me: “Uh-huh, sir.”
Customer: “It’s also HER turn to unload the car!
Eating my burger, I glanced at my receipt. It turned out she had given me the senior-citizen discount. Bitch!
As to today’s Last Word. I have to be honest with you. This is the second time I am writing this article, having the first one mysteriously “disappeared” this morning. Seems as though a certain number of electrons didn’t “survive” the evening last night and decided they were going to leave town and join the circus. Or at least that is the story that my head editor would have me believe. Well, as an understanding boss as I am, I’m sure that’s highly possible, and although I wish those electrons a very happy career in the circus, it does force me to recreate the following article. Oddly enough, it also happens to open up the job of head editor here at Dragon Laffs Industries. I hope the old editor has a highly satisfying job at the … um … dog food factory, where he now has gone to toil.
So, maybe the guy who wrote Lethal this letter would like the job ….
Sir or Madam,
Okay, stop right there! Sir or Madam? This guy has got to be a real new guy if he doesn’t even know that we are both guys!
First, I must say that I LOVE Dragon Laffs — I read every word every day.
Well, that kind of shoots the whole “new guy” theory all to hell. Right down the drain…
But, at the risk of seeming to be a nit-picker, there are a couple things I must note. I have held the position of “Editor” for several publications in my lifetime and some errors just jump off the page.
Today you wrote: “part of the Welfare Reform Act this country is WAY over do for” and you should know that the word you needed was “overdue,” not the erroneous “over do.” In the past you have also spelled the word “lose” as “loose,” an altogether too common a mistake these days, but the use of which is a pet peeve of mine!
Oh lord, another one of these letters.
You are writing for a public, and you should be aware that your spell-checker will not catch these mistakes because it does not consider the context — only that “over,” “do” and “loose” are, in fact, English words (as are “overdue” and “lose,” I hasten to mention) even though you may have used them incorrectly.
Yeah, you’re right or should I say your write….sure, some of us make spelling errors because we’re righting so fast, we miss the obvious and are spell checker doesn’t catch it. So, we rely on our high priced editorial staff to catch all those errors before printing, since we are, after all, only the artistic talent. And maybe you think we should be fired because we’re not worth the money if we can’t catch all those silly mistakes. And maybe you’re right. Except….well….Lethal put it SO MUCH better than I can… I’ll let his answer suffice… but also know that people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones…this guy is gonna write to us and bitch about “editorial minutia” and the subject of his missive? “Wriring” which I’m sure was supposed to be “Writing”.
Thank you for the time and effort you put into your blog.
Yours, a faithful reader,
Now, I read Lethal’s response and begged him to let me use it in my Last Word. Not only is it funnily appropriate, but it allows me, with very little effort, to put out a GREAT Last Word…so here it is:
I am at your disposal in this matter should your require to take it further sir.
Some What Peevishly