Dragon Laffs #1193


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Warning!Warning
Good morning …. er … Good Afternoon Campers!  Although it’s got to be morning, somewhere, let’s be fair.  It’s afternoon here, even if just barely, so afternoon it is.  Good Afternoon Campers!  I know a lot of you were looking forward to your Dragon Laffs to have with your coffee before you had to go out and run chores, shovel snow, clean the gutters or toil in a gang-infested laundry.  There are more forces at work here than are readily apparent to the naked eye.  So, while I try to get the damn dwarves up out of the cellars, where Lethal conveniently, “gave them the day off as soon as they were done working for you this weekend”, all the dwarves heard was “day off” and now they’re all drunk!  If I can get them to run the presses without printing today’s issue out on the unconscious bodies of their drunken brethren, then you will have Dragon Laffs delivered directly into your mail boxes! So, while I work out the details, why don’t you…
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Okay, so it’s Saturday…and it’s late…and we REALLY need something cute

There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers and the boss had to choose between a team of Aggies (Texas A&M) and a team of Irish guys.

So, the boss met with both teams and said: “Here’s what we’ll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job.”

Both teams headed right out.

At the end of the shift, the Irish guys came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed, and they said that it was
tough going, but they’d put in twelve.

Forty-five minutes later, the Aggies came back in and they were totally exhausted. The boss said, “Well, how many poles did you guys install?”

The team leader wiped his brow and sighed, “We got three in.”

The boss gasped, “Three?  Those Irish guys put in twelve!”

“Yeah,” said the Aggie leader, “but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground!”

 

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DragonPapa1 (111)

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Now Diaman is getting in on the act!  Have you people no shame!
After a cold winter, will deciduous trees be releaved?

Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.

261 top 5 downloads

The World’s Luckiest Soldier
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GjHVMxkodio 

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f332

Another Oldie, but goodie

Grandma & Grandpa
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, “I don’t think you should  take one Dad; they’re very strong and very expensive.”
“How much?” asked Grandpa.
“$10 a pill,” Answered the son.
“I don’t care,” said Grandpa, “I’d still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I’ll put the money under the pillow.”
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, “I told you each pill was $10, not $110.
“I know,” said Grandpa. “The hundred is from Grandma!”

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Understanding the dynamics of an accident
Have you ever driven by a crash and looked and tried to figure out how it happened?  Pretty common, right?  Did you know that there are specialists in this field who study vehicle damage, skid marks, road conditions and a myriad of other things to explain how an accident has happened.
Sometimes though, it isn’t easy to figure out how this happened:
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And other times the explanation is readily apparent:
1b1
Yup…that’d do it.

cancer candle
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Seems as though we have a plethora of these today…
Groaner Zack

Harvey’s grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, “Vat sims to be ze problem?”
Harvey says, “I’m not sure, but it doesn’t go ‘tick-tock-tick-tock’ anymore. Now it just goes ‘tick…tick…tick.'”
The old man says, “Mmmm-Hm!” and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over to the grandfather clock. He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, “Ve haf vays of making you tock!”

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It was cold and flu season. The Rabbi was not happy with the constant coughing disturbing his sermons so he decided to call on old Abe to help him solve the problem.

Comes the next Saturday morning, the Rabbi gave old Abe a bowl of cough drops and instructions to give to a cough drop to any congregation member who was coughing.

So following his Rabbi’s orders, every time a member coughed, old Abe walked over and gave them a cough drop.

The Rabbi noticed that each time he did this, the member then stood up left the sermon. At the end of the service, half of the members were gone.

After services the Rabbi calls old Abe at home and asked what he said to the members that made them leave the hall.

Old Abe says, “So vat did I say ? … All that I said wuz, ‘the Rabbi said for cough!'”

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HANGOVER

Is it just me

Jedi

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten greatgrandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.

Instead she sat back and said, “If there’s anything you want to know, just ask me.”

gif owl

College Exam for Football Players
       Time Limit: One Month
       1.  What language is spoken in France?
       2.  Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre
Trudeau.
       3.  Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
(a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY
       4. What religion is the Pope?
       (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one)
       5.  Metric conversion.  How many feet is 0.0 meters?
       6.  What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
(a) Bed time (b) 5:00 (c) am or pm? (d) Happy hour
       7.  How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
       8.  What are people in America’s far north called?
(a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners (d) foreigners
       9.  Spell — Bush, Carter and Clinton
       10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth.  Name the previous five.
       11.  Where does rain come from?
       (a) Macy’s (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky (e) Prince
       12. Can you explain Einstein’s Theory of Relativity?
       (a) yes (b) no (c) He wasn’t my relative
       13. What are coat hangers used for?
       14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
       15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- Just spell  your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
       16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
       17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
       (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Europe
      18. Advanced math.
       If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
       19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?
       20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
       (a) B.C. (b) A.D. (c) still waiting
*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify to play.

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a67

a68

a69

The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft.  “Obviously the Air Force knows there’s no such thing as a ‘perfectly good aircraft,'” the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, “because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump.”
       “You’ve got it all wrong, Major,” an Air Force sergeant replied.  “The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch about the salary.”

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What it’s like being a Mets Fan:

Holy Crap!
h23

h24

h25

Scene:  The checkout line at the supermarket where I work.
       Me:  “Paper or plastic?”
       Male customer:  “I’d like double-bagged paper, and I’d like you to make each bag as heavy as possible.”
       Me:  “Okay.”
       Customer:  “In case you’re wondering, I had a fight with my wife, and it’s my turn to pick up the groceries.”
       Me:  “Uh-huh, sir.”
       Customer:  “It’s also HER turn to unload the car!
 

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The woman taking my order at a fast-food restaurant was about twenty-five.  She was attractive and had a bubbly personality and a warm smile.  Even though I’m forty-five, I felt there was “chemistry” between us.  Before I walked away from the counter to sit down, we made eye contact and again exchanged smiles.
       Eating my burger, I glanced at my receipt.  It turned out she had given me the senior-citizen discount.  Bitch!

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As to today’s Last Word.  I have to be honest with you.  This is the second time I am writing this article, having the first one mysteriously “disappeared” this morning.  Seems as though a certain number of electrons didn’t “survive” the evening last night and decided they were going to leave town and join the circus.  Or at least that is the story that my head editor would have me believe.  Well, as an understanding boss as I am, I’m sure that’s highly possible, and although I wish those electrons a very happy career in the circus, it does force me to recreate the following article.  Oddly enough, it also happens to open up the job of head editor here at Dragon Laffs Industries.  I hope the old editor has a highly satisfying job at the … um … dog food factory, where he now has gone to toil.

So, maybe the guy who wrote Lethal this letter would like the job ….

Sir or Madam,

Okay, stop right there!  Sir or Madam?  This guy has got to be a real new guy if he doesn’t even know that we are both guys! 

First, I must say that I LOVE Dragon Laffs — I read every word every day.

Well, that kind of shoots the whole “new guy” theory all to hell.  Right down the drain…

But, at the risk of seeming to be a nit-picker, there are a couple things I must note. I have held the position of “Editor” for several publications in my lifetime and some errors just jump off the page.

Today you wrote: “part of the Welfare Reform Act this country is WAY over do for” and you should know that the word you needed was “overdue,” not the erroneous “over do.” In the past you have also spelled the word “lose” as “loose,” an altogether too common a mistake these days, but the use of which is a pet peeve of mine!

Oh lord, another one of these letters.

You are writing for a public, and you should be aware that your spell-checker will not catch these mistakes because it does not consider the context — only that “over,” “do” and “loose” are, in fact, English words (as are “overdue” and “lose,” I hasten to mention) even though you may have used them incorrectly.

Yeah, you’re right or should I say your write….sure, some of us make spelling errors because we’re righting so fast, we miss the obvious and are spell checker doesn’t catch it.  So, we rely on our high priced editorial staff to catch all those errors before printing, since we are, after all, only the artistic talent.  And maybe you think we should be fired because we’re not worth the money if we can’t catch all those silly mistakes.  And maybe you’re right.  Except….well….Lethal put it SO MUCH better than I can… I’ll let his answer suffice… but also know that people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones…this guy is gonna write to us and bitch about “editorial minutia” and the subject of his missive? “Wriring” which I’m sure was supposed to be “Writing”.

Thank you for the time and effort you put into your blog.

Yours, a faithful reader,

Now, I read Lethal’s response and begged him to let me use it in my Last Word.  Not only is it funnily appropriate, but it allows me, with very little effort, to put out a GREAT Last Word…so here it is:

Dear Sir
 
Thank you for you kind words regarding our blog. It is gratifying to see that people appreciate our unpaid efforts which we work so hard to make time for in our busy lives.
For example today’s issue was hastily put together and finished last night at midnight when I realized an early morning appointment was likely to run very long and hence I would not be able to post until well into the afternoon. I arose from my bed to accomplish this. Such is the dedication we have to the blog.
 
However given that the subject title of your e-mail is “Wriring” as opposed to “Writing”, your editorial skills having missed this rather readily apparent first impression giving error, and  given the main intent of your e-mail being to point out the short comings of my grammatical and spelling skills, (not excessively high on the academic priorities list at the U.S.N.A. as opposed to a college of Literary Arts endeavors), you’ll excuse me if I do not lend your criticism the weight it might have had. Those in glass houses etc…
 
For the record we have repeatedly said neither of us are literary or writing professionals. We do place greater emphasis on getting our facts correct and in presenting the humorous aspect of things when and where possible than the blog reading like the Editorial section of the New York times. Perhaps in the future at some point where the blog generated sufficient income for us to make it even a part time occupation we shall be able to raise the level of grammatical and spelling scrutiny which each issue under goes.
 
In the mean time please accept my humblest of apologies for having offended your editorial senses as well as for being human and possessing an education that apparently is not quite up to standards in certain areas. If you would care to forward us the URL to YOUR DAILY BLOG we will certainly save it and refer to it as a shining example of what to aspire to.

Should my sincere apology not be satisfactory, might I suggest you have your second contact mine, who is Impish Dragon so that we might meet on the field of honor at dawn and settle this like gentleman. I suggest we limit the choice of arms to handguns, cream pies, bladed weapons and loaded skunks. Please be sure to have a business card from your undertaker of choice upon your person so as to facilitate the removal of your body from the field of honor as quickly as possible as the days grow quite warm here and you would ripen rapidly. I shall do the same in the event of my demise.

I am at your disposal in this matter should your require to take it further sir.

Some What Peevishly

Lethal Leprechaun

 
Loaded skunks…. that cracks me up!!!!!  Thanks Lethal, for a much more apropos response to a ‘nit-noid’ problem.

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9 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1193

  1. femmeflashpoint says:

    LOLOLOL!!!!!!!

    Excellent last word!!!!!!

  2. Lady Rose says:

    My Dear Wonderful Sirs,
    I am writing, as one who enjoys receiving your blog daily. I am fascinated with men who are intelligent and those who can take words and transform ours lives.
    You take the written (typed to be accurate as seems the subject of the hour) and lead me away from the daily grind and drudgery of the day. My maids and cook and all the staff have departed the castle and I, Lady Rose, am left to clean, cook, and do all those silly chores myself.
    The castle wall gets scaled every day with a hoard of dirty and noisy heathens and they leave a messy trail.
    I escape to what we elegantly call the computer room ( with 10 bodies in our humble home it is in accuality a glorified corner of a bed room) and open your emails and I smile and laugh and enjoy myself for a little moment of time. I would say that some beef cake pictures would be appreciated if you either one have some of yourselves.
    And I must admit some of the rantings have puzzled me but “You say it so well” that I read it and file it away.
    To complete my little statement I “says yo are doin a vury good job men~!!~”My compliments to the writers! And my thanks too!
    Humbly Yours
    Lady Rose
    P. S. Where is the spell check? LOL

    • lethalleprechaun says:

      “Beef Cake” like beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Personally these eye have absolutely NO intention of beholding no Beef Cake. Leprechauns may be of the “Wee Folk” and cavort with the likes o’ the Faries but it doesn’t mean we swing that way. So alas your Beef Cake will just have to be served up elsewhere.

      That is unless the Dragon harbors some secret Beef Cake viewing fetish(es) after the Teletubby Porn incident of St Patrick’s Day I put noting past him and live in fear of accidental discoveries practicing an “I don’t ask and I pray he doesn’t tell me” policy to maintain my sanity and my lunch in its proper place.

  3. lethalleprechaun says:

    To be honest Pat, all the skunks I have ever encountered were “self loading” so I’m not 100% sure on that. The thing is skunks fall into 2 basic categories, loaded & recently unloaded. Now we all know carrying a concealed unloaded skunk isn’t much use to anyone ( and none to pleasant to be around either). So make sure yours is loaded as you never know when you’ll be needing it. Rely on your nose to tell them apart and for god’s sakes if you are carrying a loaded one please make sure the safety is on!

  4. Pat C says:

    Just for the hell of ,I have to ask…. How do you “load” a skunk????????

    • impishdragon says:

      Pat, Skunks are self-loading. It is possible to have an unloaded one, especially if someone has recently used it, but it is only a matter of time and the skunk will be reloaded. I hope this answers your question.
      Impish

  5. George Sadler says:

    Impish
    Your breast cancer connection did not work today. George

    • impishdragon says:

      Nope George, you’re right. But, if you couldn’t tell, I wasn’t at my absolute best this morning. I believe I just forgot to put the link in there. BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you look to the right of the main page at DragonLaffs.com, you a BRAND NEW, PERMANENT link to the breast cancer site, so it is always up. That way, doesn’t matter who posts, the link will always be on the home page!

  6. Tom says:

    That was a grate responce to the moron who crticked yer spelling and geammer. You guys do a good job to get your point to us readers and that is what matters. We all make mistces and what you do is too imortant to ignore. Wans’t too herd to understand wat I sed, wus it? Keep up the good work! I’m always on your side.

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