Good Morning Campers… Congratulations need to go out to our dear Lethal Leprechaun who just recently passed his centennial mark with Leprechaun Laffs #100.  I fear I missed the mark the other day and he is already up to #101, but ‘tis not too late to run the congratulations!  Congratulations dear friend!  Tis surely a tremendous milestone you’ve reached!  But, that’s not all we are celebrating with LL today!  Wait till you get down to the end of today’s Dragon Laffs to find some wonderful, off-the-cuff humor created by our favorite green mythical maniac in response to a spammer who’s been trying to get his bull-shit website in our comments section for months now…
anyway, I won’t ruin the surprise for you, you’ll just have to reach the end of the blog to read it yourself.  Now, let us be on our way to laffter and fun!  

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Times are tough!  I’m telling you, times are so tough that…

~ Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries for their vibrators.
~ Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
~ A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
~ I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
~ McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
~ Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
~ Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
~ My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
~ A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
~ A picture is now only worth 500 words.
~ When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
~ The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates

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The Perfect T-Shirt from our buddy K²!  He says, “She must be one of the 52% who actually pays taxes and isn’t on the dole!”

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Our dear camper buddy Ginny sends this golden oldie….

More living proof that women should be running the world!

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 20 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent: Oil Change:$29.00 Coffee: Complementary TOTAL: $29.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner; use your debit card for $40.00.

2. Stop by liquor store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under son’s bike.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19. Remember drain plug from step 11.

20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21. Drink beer.

22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25. Begin cussing fit.

26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.

28. Beer.

29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30. Beer.

31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32. Beer.

33. Lower truck from jack stands.

34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35. Beer.

36. Test drive truck.

37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38. truck gets impounded.

39. Call loving wife, make bail.

40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.

Money spent: Parts: $50.00 DUI: $2,500.00 Impound fee: $75.00 Bail: $1,500.00 Beer: $20.00 TOTAL: $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!

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I just keep hearing “Coo-Coo!  Coo-Coo!”

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marriage. Apparently they don’t want to miss out on the windfall

of marriage counseling once gay married couples realize what they

have gotten themselves into.

And another oldie, but goodie…

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I was tempted to put this as a Last Word, but as uproariously funny as it is, I determined that it is best served in it’s own glory.  In case you still aren’t reading the blog on line and therefore are still missing out on the wonderful fun we’ve been having with the comments section, let me explain the back story  just a little bit here.
We have a spammer.  “Little Dick Matt” who is so convinced of his own inferior gifts of manhood that he believes that everybody needs to partake of his particular brand of penis enlargement that he has several times tried to spam our comments section with snow shovels full of bull shit saying how great we are.  We know how great we are, but the comments are so generic that …. well… read for yourself:

Congratulations on possessing certainly one of one of the vital sophisticated blogs Ive arrive across in a while! Its just superb how a lot you’ll be capable of think about away from a thing mainly simply because of how visually gorgeous it is. Youve place collectively an incredible weblog site space –nice graphics, films, layout. This is definitely a should-see web site!

All in an attempt to get his web address inserted in our comments section.  Well, Lethal has been having such fun with him, we’ve actually been allowing his comments…after editing out the web address, but yesterday was the topper of all toppers.  Our dear Leprechaun was in rare form when he replied to the above bovine excrement…

Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt….sigh….

Excuse me a moment while I hose all the BS you threw around the blog off it and my Wellies.

I have to admit that is an impressive manure spreader you have there, I think it slings more and faster than even a Dragon is capable of producing it! With a spreader like that and such skill in wielding it I am forced to inquire if you are somehow involved in politics and the Democratic Party in particular?

To be honest while its possible I am reading something into your post, I have to say that I am a wee bit insulted by your blind insinuation that my manhood needs enhancing. It should be readily apparent from my comportment and attitude in the blog that I possess a set of McGoogles the size of duck eggs made of the finest Connemara marble and engraved with gold and platinum filled ancient sacred Celtic runes of manhood fertility invincibility, love, loyalty, longevity and prowess in combat.

Under the right conditions when I walk and they clack together lighting shoots out my bum and consumes Democrats and Spammers whole where they stand. At other times they cause me to fart shamrocks (a side effect of having a Leprechaunish heritage) and ooze charm combined with woman attracting by the scores pheromones.

As to the other half of me manhood, lets just say that the rest of the world is grossly misinformed regarding the term “shelleigh” and why Irishmen are so renowned and famed for possessing them and leave it at that. Modesty (and Molly who fears I have said too much already and now all the women who read the blog will want me) prevents me from saying anymore on the subject. Molly has suggested before you going telling me (and therefore through me, her) that my member is not of sufficient size that you either make your wife available for a second opinion or that you yourself bend over so that I might drive home the point that its not for you to say!

She also suggests that if you are hinting that my libido is starting to flag and wane that you make your wife or yourself available to pick up her slack when she refuses me. In short my darling loving Molly is more than a little miffed at your unwarranted, unwanted and (in her words) grossly unneeded offer of help, going so far as to suggest you put up or shut up by placing your or your wife’s body where you spam is.

Even Impish is in agreement with Molly that you’ll not find a bigger Irish Leprechaunish prick blogging anyplace on the internet!

Speaking of Impish, as to his own manhood…first of all what part of HE’S A FECKING DRAGON is it you do not understand? Ok, admittedly his endowment in recent years has atrophied a bit due to lack of use I’ll grant you that. However I strongly disagree that daily ingestion of lawn and garden clippings mixed with dried ground animal penises is going to seriously do anything in this regard. Were it so, then he’d already be in possession of a member best compared to the boom of a heavy lift crane as those things are already found in prodigious quantities in his daily diet do largely to his indifferent eating habits.

It’s much more likely that a more frequent use of his manhood (a.k.a. exercising it more oft) will have a fair more beneficial effect on its deterioration than any snake oil you shamelessly and inconsiderately spam. All he truly requires is some intensive hypnotherapy so he remembers to screw his dinner date before dining on her to see a reversal of his diminishing condition.

Mayhaps you did not chance to read my reply to your comment Matt on LL#92 Wed 08/03 when I basically said that I’d be drinking hot tea in Hell for its warmth before you would be allowed to spam our blog? What part of out fervent Anti-Spam/Death to Spammers Philosophy escapes you? Is the fact that your first half dozen spam attempts went straight into the toilet something you failed to notice? Are you that attached to your perception of reality altering Democratic Party Goggles that you cannot see the writing on the blog wall in all caps 72 pt. font block letters that says your only wasting your time and giving me ammunition to make fun of you by spamming here?

Stop thinking with your brain damaged from using your own products little head, cut your losses and move on. The abuse is only going to continue to get worse!

Hecklingly, Disrespectfully & Irascibly as possible,

Lethal Leprechaun

And even if nobody every forwards Lethal’s response (hint, hint) to the email address that he so happily puts in all his comments (see the comments section) we are definitely having an AWFUL lot of fun at his expense.

And what more could you possibly ask for on a Thursday morning!

Cheers! 

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Today’s Last Word…comes from our buddy Bob.

Thom Hartmann’s blog

Lord Have Mercy It’s Hot!

It’s so damned hot here in Texas that the fish are coming out of the Rivers Lakes Streams & Gulf poached already!

Blistering heat is expected to continue to bake the Houston region today and throughout the week as a ridge of high pressure remains parked above the area.

Triple-digit heat and dry conditions are likely for at least the new few days, according to the National Weather Service. The heat index could reach to between about 104 and 108. A heat advisory is in effect through at least 10 p.m. Wednesday. No rain is forecast.

Forecasters said the coolest spots in the area could be along the coast, which will be breezy with high temperatures expected to be in the lower to mid 90s.

The coastal areas may offer only little relief from the heat, however. Galveston tied a record high temperature for the date when it reached 94 degrees Monday, forecasters said. The low in Galveston Monday was 85, which is a new record high minimum temperature for the date. The previous record was 84 degrees set in 1987. Heat indices in some coastal areas could be in the triple digits.

Today, in the Houston area the high will top out near 101 under sunny skies. The low will be near 80. The heat index-how hot the air feels when temperature and humidity combine—could be as high as 107.

The searing heat continues Wednesday and through the weekend. The highs will be near 100 degrees under sunny skies. The lows will be about 80.

Yadda… Yadda… Yadda….Ok enough chit chat.

Quick, Let’s Laugh Before It Gets Any Hotter!

It’s Not Just A Luxury~ In Texas It’s Survival!

 

 

“A Few Fishing Definitions”

HOOK – (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish.

(2) A clever advertisement used to lure a fisherman to spend his life’s savings on fishing supplies.

(3) The punch administered by said fisherman’s wife after she learns what he spent their life’s savings on. (Usually accompanied by word “right” or “left.”)

LINE – Something you give your coworkers when they ask how your fishing trip went.

LURE – An object that dangles from the end of your fishing line and is supposed to encourage fish to bite it. It is the fisherman’s equivalent of sports cards, comic books, buttons, lint, and other things you collect that generally have no purpose.

REEL – A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

ROD – An attractively-painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

TACKLE – What your last catch did to you right after you brought him into the boat and right before he jumped back overboard.

TACKLE BOX – A box shaped alarmingly like a good first aid kit, only a tackle box carries an extremely large number of sharp objects, so that when you reach in blindly to grab an adhesive bandage, you soon find that you will need more than one.

TEST – (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range.

(2) A measure of your creativity when trying to come up with yet another explanation for why you have come home once again empty-handed.

2 who heeded call at massacre are losing jobs

Associated Press Aug. 8, 2011, 7:44AM

FORT HOOD — Two civilian police officers credited as the first responders in the 2009 Fort Hood shooting massacre are losing their jobs as part of military budget cuts.

The Austin American-Statesman reports Monday that officials on the Central Texas post say Kimberly Munley and Mark Todd are among officers hired year-to-year who will not have their employment renewed.

Todd and Munley were the first law enforcement officers to arrive at a busy medical processing center after a gunman killed 13 people and wounded more than 30 others. Maj. Nidal Hasan is charge in the shooting. He faces the death penalty.

According to pretrial testimony in Hasan’s case, Todd fired the shots that paralyzed the Army psychiatrist. Munley testified that her gun malfunctioned and that she was shot three times.

http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/metropolitan/7688094.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+houstonchronicle%2Ftopheadlines+%28chron.com+-+Top+Stories%29&utm_content=Google+Feedfetcher

Once again the freaking government’s respect and gratitude to our National heroes boggles the sane mind. Risk your life against a terrorist they are too damned blind to find right under their noses, get wounded in the process and then once he’s convicted get kicked to the curb.

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a shot of whiskey. A few minutes later the bartender hands her the order. The Woman drinks the beer and pours the shot of whiskey into her handbag.
She orders another round of the same, so the bartender takes her two glasses and refills them. Once again, she drinks the beer and pours the shot of whiskey into her handbag.
The bartender says, “Look Miss, I don’t mean to bug you, but my curiosity is killing me. Why do you keep pouring the shots into your handbag?”
The woman says, “It’s none of your damn business! And if you be givin’ me a hard time, I’ll be breakin’ yer face!”
Suddenly a mouse pops his head out of her handbag and says, “And that goes for your fuckin’ cat too!”

 

Oneliners

Inflation hasn’t ruined everything. A dime can still be used as a screwdriver.

No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

There are no new sins….the old ones just get more publicity.

There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

Think about this….. No one ever says “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make them all yourself.

One of the quickest ways for a young man to fail in life is to work so hard the boss will think he’s after his job.

A backyard barbecue draws two things…..flies and relatives.

The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

I’ve reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

Those who say money can’t buy happiness never spent it on a puppy.

Now they have a jigsaw puzzle for people you don’t like. None of the pieces fit and the four

corners are missing.

The minister had a special filing drawer for his bills. It was labeled: ‘Due unto others.’

When people say to me, ‘Have a nice day.’

Why do they limit me to 24 hours of happiness?

An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger.

Quality rather than quantity determines your success.

The best things in life are free . . . or have no interest or payments for one full year.

A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself and asks, “May I buy you a cocktail?”

“No thank you,” Maxine replies, “alcohol is bad for my legs.”
“Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?”

“No, they spread.”

Must be an Irish lass!

Seeing as its so dang hot out I thought a couple cool drink recipes might be a good idea

Sweet Tea Mojito

Prep Time: 10 min  Cook Time: 10 min  Level: Easy

Directions

Steep 4 or 5 black tea bags, 2 cups turbinado sugar and 2 handfuls of fresh mint in 3 cups simmering water for 5 minutes, stirring to dissolve the sugar. Strain into a pitcher; add the juice of 3 limes, 1 1/2 cups light rum, 1 cup cold water and another handful of mint. Stir vigorously, crushing the mint with a wooden spoon; chill. Serve over ice with lime and more mint.

Turbinado Sugar is simply another name for raw sugar.
It’s often available in Mexican Markets or the Ethnic isle of larger groceries in a  flat topped cone shape. If you cannot find Turbinado or Raw Sugar you can use dark brown sugar in its place.

Two Fruit Frosty

Ingredients:
1-1/2 cups fresh or frozen blueberries or raspberries
1 cup frozen unsweetened sliced peaches, thawed
1 cup milk
1 cup (8 oz.) vanilla yogurt
1/4 to 1/3 cup honey
1/2 tsp. Ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp. Ground nutmeg
cinnamon sticks, optional

Directions:
Combine blueberries, peaches and milk in a blender; cover and process on high speed. Add yogurt, honey, cinnamon and nutmeg; blend well. Pour into glasses. Garnish with cinnamon sticks if desired. Serve immediately.
Yield: 4 (1-cup) servings

 

Crazy Bitch

1 ounce Peach Schnapps
1 ounce Triple Sec
dash of Lime Juice
Cranberry Juice

Fill a cocktail shaker with ice.  Add peach schnapps, triple sec and lime juice.  Shake crazily.  Pour all contents into a tall glass.  Fill with cranberry juice. Garnish with a lime slice.

White Kiwi Sangria

Prep Time: 20 min  Level: Easy Serves: 4 to 6 servings

Ingredients

    1/2 cup sugar
    1 cup water
    1 (750 ml) bottle white wine
    1 cup orange liqueur, see Cook’s Note*
    1/2 cup lemon juice
    4 kiwis, peeled and cut in thin slices (save a few slices for garnish)
    2 green apples with skin, cored and cut in 1/2-inch cubes
    1 1/2 cups green seedless grapes
    1 bottle soda water (1 liter)
    Ice cubes

Directions

A small saucepan, heat the water, add the sugar and stir to dissolve to make a simple syrup.

In a large pitcher, combine the white wine, the Triple Sec the lemon juice, the kiwis, the apples and the grapes. Add the simple syrup, the soda water and the ice. Stir and serve in sangria glasses decorated with a kiwi slice.

*Cook’s Note: We suggest using Cointreau as your orange liqueur for the best tasting White Kiwi Sangria.

Honey Punch

Level: Easy

Directions

Dissolve 1/2 cup honey in 1/2 cup boiling water. Let cool, then pour into a pitcher; add the juice of 2 lemons, 2 cups apricot nectar and 1 cup vodka, if desired. Chill. Add a bottle of sparkling apple juice to the pitcher. Serve over ice with lemon slices.

Use the higher proof Vodkas for this

Ah winter time in the South Central Region…simply electrifying…how I miss it at the moment

 

His name was Lethal Leprechuan, he was from Texas ….. and he needed a loan, so…….

he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Ireland for the Guinness festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so Lethal handed over the keys to a new Maybach Zeppelin 62 limo. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. Lethal produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the man from the south for using a $820,000 Maybach Zeppelin 62 limo as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the limo into the bank’s private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, Lethal returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni of the USNA and WPI, a highly specialized consultant an entrepreneur and a very wealthy man with real estate and a vast financial empire. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Galveston and South Padre Island. You flew to Ireland on your own private G-5 jet, Shamrock One. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow a trifling $5,000?”

The wise ‘ole Leprechaun replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my $820,000 limo for two  weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?”

How often do you suppose this guy gets pulled over?

Three guys are fishing together one spring morning, when Fred gets up to get a beer, loses his balance, and falls out of the boat.
Ed says, “What should we do?”
Bill says, “You better jump in after him, he’s been under water for a while and he might need some help.”
So Ed jumps in, and after some time, he surfaces. He says, “Help me get Fred back in the boat.”
They wrestle Fred back into the boat.
Ed says, “What do we do now, it doesn’t look like he’s breathing.”
Bill says, “Give him mouth to mouth.”
Ed starts to blow air into Fred’s mouth and says, “Whoa, I don’t remember Fred having such bad breath.”
Bill says, “Come to think of it, I don’t think Fred was wearing a snowmobile suit, either.”

Her teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account. “The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store,” she said.
“Oh good,” he said, “Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!”

 

Two Bubbas are fishing, but they haven’t caught anything all day. Then another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish.

They ask him, “Excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?”

The other fisherman replies,” If you just go down the stream until the water isn’t salty, there are a ton of hungry fish.”

They thank him and go on their way. Fifteen minutes later, one fisherman says to the other, “Fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty.”

He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. “Nope. Still salty.”

Thirty minutes later, he asks him to check again. “Nope, still salty.”

One hour later, they check again.

“Nope. Still salty.”

“This isn’t good,” the fisherman finally says. “We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!”

“I know,” says the other. “And the bucket is almost empty!”

 

 

Good Morning Campers…
It’s Tuesday again
The second day of the work week
The second farthest from the weekend without having a cool gig like Monday does
There really isn’t a whole lot that Tuesday has going for it … except … it is one of the days of the week that you can get Dragon Laffs!  That means that it’s a fantastic day!

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Another rousing round of Dear: (Blank)
Sincerely: (Blank)
(and yes, before you say anything, I do, in fact know, that some of these are repeats)

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn’t leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping
through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about
that.
Sincerely,
Logic

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma’s a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic

Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada

Dear Yahoo,
I’ve never heard anyone say, “I don’t know, let’s Yahoo! it…” just saying…
Sincerely,
Google

Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea…Just kidding! They’re all dead.
Sincerely,
BP

Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God

Dear Nickleback,
That’s enough.
Sincerely,
The World

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely,
Black people

Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain…..no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin

Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son’s virginity.
Sincerely,
Parents Everywhere

Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely,
Superman

Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Global Warming,
You’re the best imaginary friend ever!
Sincerely,
Al Gore

Dear Ugly People,
You’re welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol

Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because
some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans

Dear White People,
Don’t you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User

Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,
Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?
Sincerely,
Terrified

Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up…
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore

Dear Man,
It’s cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant

Dear Dr. Phil,
Look man, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here first.
Sincerely,
Dr. Pepper

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Chocolate vs. Sex.
1) You can GET chocolate even if you are ugly and fat.
2) “If you love me, you’ll swallow that” has real meaning with chocolate.
3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4) Two People of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7) If you bite the nuts too hard, the chocolate won’t mind.
8) You can safely have a chocolate while you are driving.
9) The word “commitment” doesn’t scare off chocolate.
10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11) You can have chocolate any time of the month.
12) You don’t get curly hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13) When you have chocolate it does not keep the neighbors awake.
14) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
15) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
16) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
17) With chocolate there’s no need to fake it.
18) Chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant.
19) Good chocolate is easy to find.
20) With chocolate, size doesn’t matter.
21) You can have some dark chocolate if you want something different.
22) You can get creme filled chocolate and suck out the creme and swallow it.

So, is it wrong that I thought this song was good?  And accurate?  LOL!

http://www.makeuseof.com/tech-fun/dungeons-dragons-song-tonight/

Except the slaying dragons part, of course!

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Investors are reeling after the Dow Industrials fell 512 points.

The latest drop means President Obama’s approval ratings have now

fallen behind Casey Anthony.

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It might be Shark Week at Discovery channel, but hot dogs & high school football kill more people than sharks. A good reminder that a fear of sharks is irrational. Check out this list of 20 things that kill more people than sharks every year. Among them….hippos, lightening, tornadoes….oh, and hotdogs (which target CHILDREN!).

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A recent NY Times-CBS News poll showed 82 percent of Americans

now disapprove of the way Congress is handling its job.

Shocking! 18 percent actually approve?

That’s a really good point.  We really aren’t much afraid of fire.

Isn’t it funny how often our games mimic real life…

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Q: Why did the orchestra have such bad manners?

A: Because it didn’t know how to conduct itself!

Q: Why do tropical fish live in saltwater?

A: Because pepper would make them sneeze

It’s true…the democrats don’t have a lock on this whole stupidity business.  The Republicans have been digging their own holes and leaping in head first for quite some time now.  Independent, Libertarian, Constitutionalist, Moderate … it’s been said many, many times before, but why do we pick from so many for the Miss America Contest and from only two for the president?  You ought to get your one, four year tour and then stop the friggin’ campaigning and get to work!  While you’re running the country the Presidential Pageant could take place on the boardwalk in Atlantic City and the fifty top candidates from across the country could compete (after winning bigger and bigger local pageants).  It could be a multi-week event where candidates get eliminated through different competitions they’d have to participate in.  Some of the competitions might include:
■ The Honesty Panel – Representatives from the FBI, CIA and IRS do extensive background checks on all the contestants.  They don’t make any judgments about what they find, just about whether or not the contestant was up front about it or not.  The panel wouldn’t care if they found out if you smoked pot in college or not (whether you inhaled or not) but if you were open and upfront with it, then it would be up to the judges (the American People) to decide if that was presidential activity or not.  We all know we’re all human, so it may actually work in your favor.
■ Military Service Panel – Pretty much just what it says.  Not that you have to have served (necessarily, although service certainly would get you higher points here) but a straight Q and A with the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
■ Public Speaking – with and without teleprompter.
■ Meeting Foreign Nationals – This one has several parts…knowing which Foreign Nationals to treat with respect and which ones to snub … proper dress and attire for official travel … properly representing the United States as the world’s leading super-power.
■ Business suit competition
■ Your FAMILY’S dress and appearance
You get the idea… At every step of the way the lowest five candidates are dropped by the Electoral College, until we get down to the last sweet 16 and at that point, the American people vote in an 8 day event.  The first day the bottom 8 are eliminated, then there is one day off to reset the voting places and again, half, this time 4 are eliminated.  Another day off followed by the play-offs and we get down to the final two.
In a gala all day televised marathon the last two compete for first and second place.  First place will be the president while the first runner up becomes the vice-president, ready to take over for the president if he is ever unable, or unwilling to do the will of the people.
If American Idol, America’s Got Talent, Dancing With the Stars, Top Shot and all the other competition shows can get it done with far less at stake, this ought to be a TV channel’s DREAM SHOW!
I’m sure there’s bugs to be worked out, but it can be done and would probably get us a better quality of candidate than what we do now.  Tell me what you think…

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It’s even too hot for the dogs outside.  If we’re going to swim, we’re swimming in the house, dammit!
http://www.wimp.com/swimoutside/

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Today’s Last Word…comes to us in part, from Fox News, with this pretty good look at the “Blame Game”

History Shows Presidential Blame Game Is a Risky Political Move

In 1979, as the U.S. was reeling from skyrocketing interest rates, high unemployment and an energy crisis, President Jimmy Carter delivered a televised address that would later infamously be labeled, “the malaise speech.” He never used the word, but rather blamed the poor economy in part on a “crisis of the American spirit.”

 

In hindsight, that speech now seems like a hard lesson on the political liabilities of the blame game — something critics say President Obama has failed to grasp more than 30 years later.

 

Obama has suggested that blame for the stagnant U.S. economy lies in places other than the Oval Office. The latest example occurred Monday, when the president said, “There will always be economic factors that we can’t control, earthquakes, spikes in oil prices, slowdowns in other parts of the world.”

 

This tactic from the Obama administration is not new. Five days ago, the president suggested “messy democracy” bore some blame for economic stagnation. “When I said, ‘change we can believe in,’ I didn’t say ‘change we can believe in tomorrow,’” the president said.

 

He has at times leveled blame at Wall Street, commodity traders, natural disasters, Washington inaction and Republicans — specifically the previous administration.

 

Obama’s top Republican critics say there comes a point in any administration when the passage of time means a president should take responsibility for the problems he inherits.

 

“Presidents who try to blame circumstances on their predecessors don’t fair very well with voters,” conservative pundit Michael Barone of the Washington Examiner said. “[V]oters sense they have greater responsibility for the situation America is in after they’ve been in office for one term.”

But Barone concedes this old tactic has worked for some.

 

“You know President Franklin Roosevelt for many years did continue to blame the depression on his predecessor President Hoover,” Barone said. “That was a pretty good political tactic for Roosevelt.”

In an undeniable sign that Obama is facing one of the deepest crises of his term, once supportive friends on the left are now echoing the complaints heard from the right.

 

Over the weekend, the New York Times featured an opinion piece by Obama supporter Drew Westin, a professor of psychology at Emory University in Atlanta, and it was far from friendly.

 

“Those of us who were bewitched by his eloquence on the campaign trail chose to ignore some disquieting aspects of his biography: that he had accomplished very little before he ran for president, having never run a business or a state; that he had a singularly unremarkable career as a law professor,” Westin wrote.  (As has been said in this venue many times before, the only thing that Obama brought to the presidential table is the ability to speak.)

 

Perhaps most daunting to Obama is that the tide of bad news this summer is not limited to the economy. Months after President Carter delivered his “malaise speech,” the media was saturated with images of Carter’s failed hostage rescue mission in Iran. Pictures of burned American bodies and wrecked planes in a Middle Eastern desert left many Americans with a vivid image of a nation whose better days had passed. It helped seal the fate of a doomed presidency.

 

The day this August that marked the S&P downgrade of U.S. credit was also the deadliest day for America in the Afghanistan war. Thirty Americans, including 22 Navy SEALS from the same team that killed Usama bin Laden, died in the crash of a Chinook helicopter, apparently at the hands of the Taliban.

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2011/08/08/history-shows-presidential-blame-game-is-risky-political-move/#ixzz1UWQqEnRJ  
So, do the American people catch on?  Do they stop drinking the Kool-ade? Or do they allow the charlatan to continue to push this country toward economic, social, and political ruin?  The election is coming!  Pay Attention!

 

That shamrock looks about how I feel

Cough!…groan…Morning Readers

Leprechaun here coming to you from what feels like my death bed with a near lethal case of what the “Doctor” so sagely described as “yeah that’s going around there’s not much to do for it except enjoy it” Some alleviator of human suffering! I swear if I recover enough to make it to my secret financial fortress on my hands and knees I’m going to tank his 401K and credit!

I was doing better and thought I was on the mend until I got up Saturday morning and just couldn’t function at all. Currently I’m waiting for Molly to return from the store with some much needed groceries and more needed cold meds before collapsing probably for the remainder of the day into my bed.

Except for sweating my way though laundry tomorrow with Molly, I may well spend all day tomorrow there too. I have to be careful though because Molly has stated that if I start whining about being sick as bad as Impish does she has no compunction about being the “Late Mrs. Leprechaun”. Oh the joys of living in a communal property reality!

Sunday: Heat Advisory Warning has been extended through Monday Evening already. Hopefully ERCOT, The electric Reliability Council of Texas, will not see a need to institute Rolling blackouts because of electricity demand again Sweating from excessive heat while sweating from a fever sucks.

For Now, Lets Moan…I MEAN Laugh!

 

 

A Well Planned Life

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
One asked the other, “You were always so organized in school. Did you
manage to live a well planned life”?
“Yes,” said her friend. “My first marriage was to a millionaire; my
second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher
and now I’m married to an undertaker.”
Her friend asked, “What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life”?
“One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go.

Robert Knight, after his team had been sent home from the tournament, began considering his career, his future, and, as his thoughts turned that direction, the afterlife. So he contacted his local minister to discuss the issue.
“Reverend, will I be able to coach basketball in Heaven?” he inquired.
Now, of course, his minister didn’t want to give a glib answer, so he told Bobby that he wanted to pray for a while and ask for some divine inspiration before responding to his question. After a week of prayer, the minister called the coach into his study, and asked him to take a seat. “Robert,” he said, “I have some good news for you, and some bad news.”
“What’s the good news?” asked Coach Knight.
“Well, the good news is that yes, you will be able to coach basketball in Heaven,” replied the minister.
“And the bad news?” asked coach Knight.
“Well, Bobby,” responded the minister, “you’ll be coaching the visiting team.”

 

Cory Smits of Two Rivers, Wis. was convicted of operating while intoxicated for the fifth time since 2004, according to The Herald Time Reporter, testifying at least to his consistency.
Smits, 29, was convicted on July 7 for his latest offense, which occurred on Feb. 12, the paper said. Cops said that Smits had a blood alcohol level of .29. They had to blast him with pepper-spray to control him after he repeatedly hit his head against the police car’s back seat.
The judge who handled Smits’ trial took away his license for three years, ordered him to maintain total sobriety and to submit to regular urine tests, among other punishments, the newspaper said.

Smits’ real punishment though, should be for this stunning display…
Yes, those are tattoos. Maybe Cory’s tattoo artist should be punished instead. A two-year-old with a Sharpie could have done better!

What no piercings? With that face it couldn’t hurt none! might help it!

 

Speaking of Piercings, here’s the first functional ones I’ve seen

How To Keep A Bikini Top In Place

SO THAT’S WHAT THEY ARE FOR!!!

 

See what can happen when you leave you camera unprotected Graciemj?

Impish you just quit that drooling now and show some respect! Thou shalt not covet her coffee cup for its size!

 

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.

As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked,

“Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”
The little boy replied,

“Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right.”
The man thanked the boy kindly and said,

“I’m the new pastor in town.
I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday.

I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”
The little boy replied with a chuckle.

“Awww, come on… You don’t even know the way to the Post Office.”

A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.
‘Son, where were you today?’
Son says ‘at school dad.’
Robot slaps the son!
‘Ok, i watched a dvd at my mates!’
‘What dvd?’
‘Toy story.’
Robot slaps the son again!
‘Ok, it was a porno’ cries the son.
‘What! When I was your age I didn’t know what porn was’ says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Mum laughs ‘HaHaHa! He’s certainly your son.’
Robot slaps The mum!

A man moves into a nudist colony.

He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one

in half and sends her the top part.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his
grandmother.

The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the
bottom half.

He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part,
but then remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is and hopes she won’t notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, “Thank you
for the picture.

Change your hair style? …it makes your nose look too long.”

 

 

Dictionary of Musical Terms
JAZZ: Five men on the same stage all playing different tunes.
BLUES: Played exclusively by people who woke up this morning.
WORLD MUSIC: A dozen different types of percussion all going at once.
OPERA: People singing when they should be talking.
RAP: People talking when they should be singing.
CLASSICAL: Discover the other 45 minutes they left out of the TV ad.
FOLK: Endless songs about shipwrecks in the 19th century.
BIG BAND: 20 men who take it in turns to stand up plus a drummer.
HEAVY METAL: Codpiece and chaps.
HOUSE MUSIC: OK as long as it’s not the house next door.

 

 

The agent of a beautiful actress discovered one day that the actress had been selling her body for 100 dollars a night. The agent, who had long lusted after her, hadn’t dreamed that she had been so easily obtainable. He approached her, told her how much she turned him on, and how much he wanted to make it with her.
She agreed to spend the night with him but said that he would have to pay her the same 100 dollars that the other customers did.
He scratched his head, considered it, and then asked, “Don’t I even get my agent’s 10% as a deduction?”
“No, siree,” she said. “If you want it, you’re going to have to pay full price for it just like the other Johns.”
The agent didn’t like that at all, but he agreed.
That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a local nightclub. The agent did her at midnight, after turning out all the lights.
At 1 a.m., she was awakened again. And again, she was vigorously done. In a little while, she was awakened again, and again she was made love to again. The actress was impressed with her lover’s vitality.
“My goodness,” she whispered in the dark, “you are so virile. I never realized how lucky I was to have you for my agent.”
“I’m not your agent, lady,” a strange voice answered.
“He’s at the door selling tickets.”

It was testimony night in the church. A lady got up and said, “We are living in a wicked land where sin is on every hand. I have had a terrible fight with the old devil all week.”
Whereupon her husband, who was sitting glumly by her side said, “It’s not all my fault either; she’s tough to get along with.”

A husband was having great difficulty getting along with his wife, nothing but arguing and friction, so he decided to consult a marriage counselor.
After they had talked for a while, the counselor said, “I suggest that you run five miles each day for a week. Then please call me back.”
A week later the counselor received a call from the husband, “Well,” asked the counselor, “how are things going with you and your wife?
“How should I know?” said the husband. “I’m thirty-five miles away.”

Joe, the Governor’s most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The Governor had depended on Joe for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Joe had been his closest friend.
So, it was understandable that the Governor didn’t take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Joe’s job. “They don’t even have the decency to wait until the man is buried,” the Governor muttered.
At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor’s side. “Governor,” the man said, “is there a chance that I could take Joe’s place?”
“Certainly,” the governor replied. “But you’d better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished.”

 

Good Morning Campers…  It’s Saturday!  The day we should all be sleeping in, regretting what we did the night before.   So, here it is … 520 am and I’m not sleeping in, I’m on my way to work…
So rest easy there campers, Impish is on Duty…and when you wake up, you will all be able to partake in the ancient and honorable rite of…

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Congressional Black Caucus chair Emanuel Cleaver called the final debt

ceiling deal a “sugar-coated Satan sandwich.Really? Doesn’t that title

already belong to the Krispy Kreme Bacon Cheeseburger?

(Yes, it is a burger using doughnuts as buns.)

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CNN Poll:
The way Congress behaved over the debt ceiling debate:
Acted as responsible adults: 14%
Acted as spoiled children: 84%
Undecided: 2%

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President Obama and George W. Bush agreed to appear at Ground Zero

next month on the tenth anniversary of the World Trade Center attack. What

a scene. They’ll be standing on the rubble of the U.S. economy, pointing

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Some Really Good Questions!

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled In the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack?
What is a whack?

6. Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?

7. Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” Mean the same thing?

8. Why do “tug” boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there?

10. Why are they called ” stands” when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?

12.. Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?

13.. Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?

14. Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?

15. Why is “phonics” Not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17.. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18.. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed And have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21.. Why do you press harder On the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?

25.. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas – What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

My wife’s been very concerned about my drinking, so she brought it up to the doctor.

The doctor told me I had to cut down to just ONE beer per week!

I was devastated!

I feel much better now!

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Now you’ll see why you should not hold anything for a fellow traveller or stranger, not even an old auntie or uncle or pregnant lady.

‘Cause you may end up “Digantung sampai mati”(hang to death) for illegal drug trafficking.

Lesson: Never…Never ever carry anything from any strangers in the airport.

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You wouldn’t think that Gas Station Attendant would be that dangerous of a job…

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Thousands of donors pay more than $30K each to attend fundraisers in honor

of President Obama’s 50th birthday. For that money, each donor got dinner,

a picture with the president, and their very own IRS agent.

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The bad news is the U.S. debt has now Reached 100 Percent of our GDP. The

good news is our GDP is about to collapse, so our debt will go down with it!

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A plan by government health officials calls for dedicated blood donors

to be tapped to give blood again in as little as two days during a national

disaster. Because they know how to get every last drop of blood, the

program will be handed over to the IRS.

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Today’s Last Word…

Is from the New York Times Political section…

”The debate over raising the debt ceiling, which brought the nation to the brink of default, has sent disapproval of Congress to it’s highest level on record and left most Americans saying that creating jobs should now take priority over cutting spending, according to the latest New York Times/CBS News Poll.”

A record 82% of Americans disapprove of the way Congress is handling its job.  This is the highest ever since the Times started tracking this in 1977, and it’s even higher than 1995 when politics led to an actual shutdown of the federal government.

The recent political debate was:	More about gaining political advantage than what was best for the country80%+
The debate had harmed the image of the United States:	75%+
Who did you disapprove of during the debate:	72% disapproved of the way Republicans handled it. 66% disapproved of the way Democrats handled it. (Pssst!  That means a significant number of people disapproved of the way BOTH parties handled the debate.  You can include me in that category!)
How did Mr. Obama handle it?	47% disapproved 46% approved
How do you now view the Tea-Party Movement:	40% Unfavorably (Up from 29% in mid April) 26% Favorably
Do you support raising taxes on those households earning $250,000 a year or more?	63% over all agreed 80% of Democrats 61% of Independents 52% of Republicans
Cut Spending or Create Jobs?	62% said create jobs!

And with a GREAT Article from the Middletown Press (Middletown, CT)

Americans Say Dump Entire Congress: Poll

Written by: Joe Deaux 08/04/11 – 1:34 PM EDT

NEW YORK (TheStreet) — A whopping 62% of Americans would dump all current legislators in Congress if they could vote today, according to a new poll, which might surprise no one as the story was almost the same in the 2010 midterm elections.

A poll released Thursday by Rasmussen Reports found that voters continued to have abysmalconfidence in their local representatives, while only 15% of telephone respondents said they would keep the existing House.

The 2010 Congressional elections saw Democrats lose 63 seats in the House in an American referendum that triggered a 36% swing of power back to the Republicans.

Apparently, U.S. voters’ frustration wasn’t swayed by the nasty debt-ceiling debates that embroiled Congress for more than a month.

“During the debt ceiling debacle, voters listened to members of Congress like they were the boy who cried wolf,” said Scott Rasmussen, president of Rasmussen Reports. “While official Washington obsessed over the minute-by-minute silliness, voters expected all along that the debt ceiling would be raised without making significant spending cuts.”

The telephone survey was conducted nationally on July 30 and 31 among 1,000 likely voters.

On July 26, Rasmussen found that a paltry 6% of Americans approved of the job Congress was doing.

— Written by Joe Deaux in New York.

The election is coming!  Don’t blow your chance!  Get out there and vote!